We Might Be Drunk - Ep 10: Tito's Soda & Casamigos Soda

Episode Date: February 15, 2021

One more drink, one more drink You know in the morning for sure we gon' stink One more round, one more round It's 5 a.m., you pricks, the barkeep frowned This is what we do, catch up for a few We'll riff and talk some shit and then we'll sleep till two talk some shit and then we'll sleep till two yo we're here baby good to see you good to see you man it's been a minute i gotta i gotta uh

what's the word confess last week i was week, I was so fucking hungover. I felt like I slacked off. I didn't bring the heat. So tonight, I snorted some Adderall. I did some emergency. I'm ready. Oh, dude. I mean, I'm so glad you said that because I might be slacking this episode, man.

And first off, I didn't notice you slacking. You're always hilarious on this. But I was fucking, I didn't notice you slacking You were always hilarious on this But I was fucking I'm dying right now I did like a pinch of vodka In this giant soda Just because I don't want to be a douche God damn, dude

Yeah, yeah I can see it, you got the pale going By the way, I love booze in a kid's cup That's the ultimate sadness You might as well go sippy at that point some tequila in a sippy cup i do realize i gotta step it up with like wine glasses and martini glasses but like fuck man there's something about there's something about a dumb kid's glass and getting fucked up combining like childhood nostalgia with a drug it is yes it's so true i

mean gaffigan had that great joke. He's like something about the container. Like you got a guy drinking a wine glass with red wine. You're like, hey, but if you're like, hey, refill my Yahtzee shaker. You're like, oh, this guy's messed up. They don't make a crack pipe with Krusty the Clown on it. I don't think. Good point. Yeah, it's true.

It's weird how that we're like it's weird how the carton or the container makes it look like if you drink whiskey and pour it in a rocks glass that's fine but if you drink it out of the bottle you look like a psycho and the same with ice cream out of the carton you're golden i mean you're you're a weirdo but out of the bowl you're great i do ice cream out of the carton all the time i mean i do it too but i'm just saying if you put ice cream in a bowl You look like a better citizen Yeah, I'll say this though too With like booze You're drinking shitty ass bourbon If you're down to just like backwash that shit back in there But yeah, it is like a look thing

Like in the pint of ice cream You're like, alright Ice cream is just like an intimate snack now Like it's like you're alone at home Whereas like booze,'re like oh i'm i can't wait to pour it into a glass i don't know why but it was 10 times sadder that's what it is you couldn't take the time to put the ice cream in the bowl you had to have it right then that's how much of an addict you are or same with the alcohol yeah that's interesting i i never i was never an out of the I guess when you're a kid I mean, you'll do 40s and shit

Oh, yeah But that's beer I think beer You know, you tend to drink it out of a bottle Also, what's sad is the The liquor in plastic The handle of liquor that's plastic Like the jug

That's a bummer Yeah, it is a bummer Like a jug of anything is kind of like Because jug doesn't sound classy Like Matt, miss, would you care like a jug of anything is kind of like is because jug doesn't sound classy like matt miss would you care for a jug right it sounds like moonshine like it's got the three x's on it you don't even know what it is you're just like all right it'll fuck me up i want to say good point just so our listeners have to take a shot now because i know that's one of our our uh words good point take a drink so what what What were you sipping on there

That led to this Cocktail flu I did A lot of bourbon Just a lot of bourbon And And then a few nights ago I went hard too

After a show I had This is I feel like a real asshole Telling this story But I'll tell it anyway A friend of mine Comes to shows all the time

And he always brings a hot date And he always blows it. Like we it's become like a running gag of how many hot dates he'll bring. And after the show, like it's me and Phil Hanley and a high school friend of mine. And we're just like, we're bombed. We're all wrecked. We're drinking. And she's asking us to date if he's a good guy. And I have just enough booze to be like he's such a good guy i mean you know all his charity work have you heard about his charity

jerking off the homeless and uh he's like he's looking at me like cut it out cut it out i'm like the homeless are freezing right now and he jerks them to completion because it's it's a real problem out there and phil starts jumping in we're just going we're just pounding on him and he's so drunk that he's like dude you promised ah that's see there's a real art to see i don't know how he does it because he can get a date but he can't close i was the other way around if i got a date i could close but it was hard for me to get a date well i think also like once she sniffs that drunken insecurity it ain't good because he is a he's a good dude he's a cool dude but yeah every once in a while if you're a bad drunk you ain't closing no god no and you

ain't getting it up either but he should just fake the laugh he faked the laugh you look like a pro he grabbed phil at one point it, you're making a big mistake. And the girl's laughing. She's laughing. So I'm like, come on, dude. But Phil was like, is he threatening me? I'm like, hey, he's going to forget tomorrow, which I think he did. But I was like, he did threaten you.

Yeah. I hope Phil went home with her. I mean, Phil's a smooth cat. He's in a thing. He's in a thing Oh Alright, Phil He's the most vague, secretive guy on the planet He might have my favorite

Relationship joke ever When you meet the right person You know right away How come when you meet the wrong person It takes a year and a half That's beautiful That's a good joke It's got layers, it's funny that's a good joke that's got layers it's funny and so it's

well written and it's poignant and it's one line yeah that's comedy that's why comedy is better than poetry what oh and so my boy dennis from childhood is at the uh show and we're hanging he's his dad passed away a few years ago His dad was like the coolest He was like the dad who would go drinking with us He passed away, he was so funny He was like a vulgar drunk We'd be at bars And he'd walk up to women and be like

Lady, what I would give to take you in the bathroom Right now, and they'd be like, they'd slap him It was like I love that guy He did that once, and I was was like oh my god i'm so sorry about him this woman goes finally a gentleman and she kissed me right in front of him and he gave and he gave me a wink i'm like oh he's doing this shit on purpose he's digging a hole so that we get to swoop in and be the hero that's a great dad i mean what a guy taking the hit for the for the

kids great friend i don't know great dad yeah great wingman Great friend, I don't know great dad Great wingman Great wingman, I don't know if he's paying the bills No, he was awesome He was a really funny guy And this guy Dennis who I see every once in a while As a character and he's like literally the last time I saw him He was like, I need your urine And you can't ask why

And I was like, it's a drug test And he goes, alright yeah it's a drug test What else would it be? I literally met him with my urine at a chipotle i was like here geez what did you put it in i i think actually you know what i he gave me a chipotle cup and oh i guess he asked for a water cup i don't know we have a water cup which proves my point that no one has ever put water in a water cup at chipotle even still um yeah so that was we got into a lot of stuff i've just been drinking too much it's that it's we're getting to that point of the pandemic where it's like

yeah it's winter in new york city yeah i'm gonna and by the way i got rudy's uh 44th and 9th just closed down behind that's my backdrop if you're watching us. Rudy's is done? It's done. It was a legendary New York bar if you guys didn't know it. There was like two affordable bars in Times Square that aren't tourist traps. Rudy's and Jimmy's. And Jimmy's just died on 44th.

But Rudy's, man. Remember the free hot dog with every round? Of course. I got mugged outside of Rudy's in like 08. Yeah. Oh, my God. It was my fault. Well, how? Well, I got drunk with Bjorn. Remember Bjorn?

A little bit. He was you and Joe List's manager. Yeah, but he was just a booze bag, and he never did a lick of work. We just got drunk and paid for everything. Back then, you were like, that's a good manager. Exactly. I was like, this guy's the man. He gets me. He knows I'm an artist.

You get the free hot dogs. I was just pounding beer, eating, pounding beer. I leave the bar. I lived in Crown Heights, by the way. Getting home was like an excursion. I said, all right, I got a big ride ahead of me. What are you off to? The 4-5 or the 2-3?

What were you off? I was off the A on No Strand. big ride ahead of me. So let me take a nap. Were you off the 4-5 or the 2-3? What were you off? I was off the A on No Strand. Ooh, that's fucking out there. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I was like, all right, I'm going to take a little nap in an alcove. There was like four steps down into an apartment. And I was like, yeah, this looks kind of warm.

It's well lit. Just going to rest my eyes. And I get down there. I conk out immediately. I wake up and like a bunch of guys are going through my pockets, like four guys. And I was like, what the fuck? And I just down there I conk out immediately I wake up and a bunch of guys are going through my pockets Like four guys And I was like, what the fuck? And I just did this

And one of them goes, he's getting up And just hit me And I went out again I woke up, they took my phone, my wallet My joke book, my pen, my keys, my change I was like, gee, you took the joke book? Come on You're a real comic because you said joke book before keys

That's how you know you're legit That's hilarious Oh my god, it's awful But it's hilarious because you're okay but like goddamn dude those four dudes yeah i mean i was a sitting duck it was such an easy i was i was a mark it literally i was so easy it was like i'm sleeping i'm a young guy there's four of them over i hate a fucking it's like you know what it's like people going hunting against animals and you have a gun it's like that's what four dudes mugging one guy is they're hunting yeah and at least shoot a deer in the in the wild while he's grazing

i was a sleeping deer you know like i was too easy i just brutal i just realized I was not recording. I have to restart this. I'm sure Harry can save it from the Zoom audio, but God damn it. All right, Harry. My bad, dude. But yeah, the toughest thing is nobody tells you is you're like, all right, well, now I got to get home. But you don't have a MetroCard.

So you're like, all right, now I got to buy one. But now you don't have a credit card, or cash Or a phone So you can't Venmo So getting home was a nightmare, I had to jump the turnstiles Oh, it's like After Hours, Mark Norman edition Yeah Man, that's crazy, they didn't even have Venmo in 2008 So I mean, you had like

Did they have Uber in 2008? No, no, I just had to go And I couldn't get a cab either, I had no money No card, no cash So I had to go And I couldn't get a cab either I had no money No card, no cash So I had to just take the subway And you were fucked up And I was fucked up, yeah So it was a long night

I guess a payphone was your option back then? I guess, but they took my quarters Back then you had three quarters in your pocket That was some real loot Quarters? That was usable I can't believe that shit Fucking Rudy's man

And that's a long excursion there What are you drinking right now? Oh yeah well I always like to show the people at home That this is the real deal We're going with Clooney's again Good round Cosamigos

Cosamigos tequila And my lady got Some kind of drink with a lime in it So I stole her lime and her cup And I'm just going tequila On the rocks with a splash of soda We're going similar I'm doing

A splash of vodka with Club soda because I'm fucking Dying right now I apologize my energy sucks I didn't notice you having bad energy last week Oh I was really faking it until I made it So what's the hangover

This is a booze podcast basically What's the hangover recipe from a true booze bag I make eggs I mean I had to go back to sleep It was that bad Yeah that helps I took like a 2pm nap which you're like man you feel like a real piece of shit taking it it's like it's not a power nap it's like the opposite

of whatever a power nap is so i'm out a weakness nap failure nap i did that i did uh yeah i wake up i make eggs toast throw some cheddar in some turkey, try to get some protein and some, but it tastes good. Then I shitload of drip drop, which is like the Pedialyte. It's like the alternative Pedialyte. That's good. I think it's. I don't know that. That's what we called chlamydia.

I think it's a drip drop. It's, I think it's stronger than Pedialyte. I think it's got more electrolytes. I could be wrong, but that's what I heard And I just went with it A little bit of that, a lot of water A lot of club soda Coffee?

For the first time I did coffee on Friday When I was hungover I couldn't do it today What? That's the ultimate helper for me I was that ill I couldn't keep it today What? That's the ultimate helper for me I was that ill I couldn't keep food down for a while I couldn't keep

Until like five I couldn't keep food down So Yeah Oh yeah You are in bad shape man I'm alright now Last week I was in rough shape

Alright you know Except I'm Actually I was alright a few weeks ago But now I'm in rough shape I should No it's It's tough man

I'll be good tomorrow though Yeah Yeah It's funny Because when you're hungover like this Which I've been there a million times You want to kill yourself You question every decision

You ever made You're like What am I doing with my life The anxiety But at like 10.30 at night You're like Hey I feel pretty good And you almost want to grab a beer

Here we are right You wake up at 10am Im., I'll never drink again. 2 p.m., well, I'll drink again someday. Just not right now. 9 p.m., ah, one won't hurt. And then at midnight, you're in a headlock again. Right, right.

It's like women who date those, you know, fucking abusive guys. Never again. And two years later, they're like, ah, Frankie's nice When he wants to be Back with Tito Anyway Tito's not so bad

No Yeah It's a mess man So you're with a lady right now Any Valentine's Day stuff Or what? Well Luckily

She had a thing tonight And She was super hungover today So we like ordered in And had like you know the hangover sex And like sideways on the couch And nobody could move And I was on no sleep

So it was a beautiful beautiful Valentine I love when she's hungover Because she's younger than me And she's got all this energy I want to just hang out That's huge It's great too when they're feeling like shit And you're like I ordered in Thai for you

You know what I mean Like we, I ordered in Thai for you. You know what I mean? Like we're doing the lazy day for you. That's the best. I don't, you know what I hate is all these flower websites that are like, like pro flowers, 1-800 flowers. It's like, it's like $30 and then you get the checkout and it's like 110. And you're like, wait, how did that happen? Service fee These cunts These florist pieces of shit And these

These like All of us Douchebag Procrastinating Idiot guys We wait till the last minute They rack it up You know

And they know they got you By the balls Cause you need those flowers Fucking flower guys Yeah they They should They should be like An amateur flower website

It should be like Not as good a job And like You know what I mean? Yeah, it's got dirt on it still They took it out of a lawn Or a cemetery They don't even like deliver it perfectly

Like throw it against your door You have to find it You know, but you're like Alright, that's something Yeah, that's a perfect day I was a bum today I didn't do shit Yeah, I was glad Because I was on no sleep you know these these flights now coming i'm doing

all these midwest gigs and it's like 6 a.m or a 7 a.m 7 p.m like that's all you can get so you got to take the 6 a.m then you got to lay over in chicago and that's a three-hour delay and that's because there's just less flights. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's horrible. Horrible. And it's like, you want to get out, but fuck, I hate a 6 a.m. flight. Oh, it was brutal. And man, I got to tell you, for some reason, I flew out of Chicago to Newark,

and the whole flight was Hasidic Jews, which is fine, but they all knew each other. So they're hanging out. They're all in the aisle. They're playing cards in the aisle way. The girls are on the floor, and they're passing babies across from me. I think I saw a kid get circumcised. It was bananas. They're so comfortable.

The masks were down here. These guys are living the life. They had the whole plane. I felt like I was in Pearl Park. They were hanging low. They were doing the whole plane. So I felt like I was in Pearl Park. No, they were hanging low. They were doing the fake chin mask. I hate the chin mask. Yeah, they...

I couldn't believe it, but I was outnumbered. Yeah, it's funny. I was talking to an Orthodox Jewish girl once, and she said... For some reason, we just started talking about Colin Kaepernick. She was like, I don't get it. She was like, I just don't... She was like, I don't get it. I don't understand it.

And I was like, all right, well, you want to get a drink sometime? And she's like, no, I got a 7,000-person wedding to attend. I can't. And you're like, I just don't. She's like, I don't get it. Like, I don't understand it. And I was like, all right, well, you want to get a drink sometime? And she's like, no, I got a 7000 person wedding to attend. I can't. And you're like, oh, yeah. Fuck, man. That's brutal. That's brutal. 6 a.m.

Yeah, it was tough. It was. And they are, you know, they're up and at them. It was like the kids. It was so many kids. And, you know, the lady would come by the the flight attendant be like ma'am your mask and she'd go oh oh she put it up and right when the lady walked away she'd go and like roll her eyes I was like man these oh these uh Jews don't give a fuck

they're just they're doing the Hava Nagila they're high-fiving it was it was bananas that stresses me out for travel because I'm getting back out there soon I'm like oh boy That's one where you're like Alright Jews it's like they're either the most neurotic Hypochondriac or they're that You know You either get Woody Allen and Hannah and her sisters Where he's like I got a tumor I know it

And they're like you're fine Yeah or it's like Borat or whoever Although I know he's Kazakhstan Yeah, man What a Yeah, but good to be back

Good to come back on a I had a Sunday show And I moved it to Saturday And I'm just coming back on a Sunday Such a game changer You did a third show, you mean? Yeah, we added a show And did it like, you know

Early in the day Did the Blue Room Oh, it's a great room Great, great room Great Great club Great time Chris is so fun He showed me the whole town

We went to a bunch of strip clubs The Ozarks You went to strip clubs COVID strip clubs Yeah The gals are wearing a mask Only because their Their faces are bad

But like It was crazy Just We went and had a steak He's one of these guys Like I'm like I'm from New Orleans He's like

I gotta show you the town He just keeps taking me to strip clubs i'm like i've seen i've seen strip clubs this isn't weird to me hilarious i need to i live i need to show you the town it's like oh yeah let me let me see a strip club in the ozarks that's uh that's that'll blow my mind coming from bourbon street yeah it's it's that's a great club though and that and he's a great guy when i was there i actually ended up in the hospital when I was there uh had some like horrible bug I don't know what it was but I like could not keep food down I couldn't I couldn't eat I couldn't crap it was like the worst I ended up in the ER with an IV in my arm they're like yeah you got some bad bug no food for 20 another 24 hours I went straight from the hospital to the gig.

Did two shows. They were the best crowd ever. And my back was out. And he paid for a massage for me. He's a great dude. He's really a great guy. He kept buying me things. I was like, stop, stop.

We'd go to Come and Go, which is their 7-Eleven. And he's like, I'm buying you a Come and Go t-shirt. I'm like, I don't need the Come and Go t-shirt. And he just throws it at me. He's like, I bought it. When are you going to wear the shirt? I'll wear it to bed. I don't know.

Anytime you say. That's always the answer. Anytime you don't like a shirt, I'll wear it to bed or I'll go to the gym in it. And then you're like, slowly you find a gym shirt. You're like, it's gone. Why even get it? Right. I'll jizz in this sleeve of this thing once in 10 years.

That'll be it. I'll use it to mop sleeve of this thing once in 10 years and that'll be it. I'll use the mop up the counter. So disrespectful. Come and go. With the jizz and a gift. So disrespectful. Well, if it's a fleshlight, what are you going to do? I guess if it's a fleshlight, but it's a weird, he's not going to give you that.

Have you ever tried a fleshlight? I haven't. I'm shocked that I haven't Because I grew up fucking the couch Fucking the mattress Fucking the fridge You know, all my friends were like If you heat up half a cantaloupe It feels just like a gash

So like I tried all these You tried the cantaloupe? Oh yeah I mean I had days off in the summer What else did they do? Yeah, it's weird They make stuff specifically to fuck And that's where we draw the line

I think it's almost like It takes the creativity out of it Also I don't want to go to a store Do you have to clean it? My hand's perfect We're fine, we're doing alright I agree I like the idea of jizzing and something

And then just putting in the wash or putting in the garbage I don't want to keep it around What is it, dishwasher safe? It's fun to go MacGyver of snatch. I don't think you put it in the dishwasher. I'm going to put it next to my cereal bowl. I don't think that's the solution.

Well, I mean, you ever seen smacks? They look like little vaginas. But I don't know. It's just like do I wash it in the dish to the sink? I mean, what do you do? You got to wash it somewhere. I think you wash it in the sink, but you got to make sure all the dishes are out. You don't want that going in the coffee pot, you know?

Yeah, that's true. Cream in the coffee. But I just, I don't, to me, that's sadder somehow than actually using a flashlight. Of course. I think Mike Cannon did a bit about this where it was like the cleaning was the part that drove him insane. I think it Cannon did a bit about this Where it was like, the cleaning was the part that drove him insane

I think it's horrible There you go Yeah, I'd rather a sock Give me a wigwam, anything A wigwam? Would you... You'd ruin a sock They wash, you can put it in the washer

Yeah, I kind of... It's on your foot the rest of the time It's not like we're treating these things like a pillow I go green, I shoot it in the hand and I'm done with it Yeah, I go green Mine's too It's like a sawed off shotgun I've got spread

I guess I've done it I mean, this is going to sound gross I have done it in the bathroom sink before I just feel like that's It's just an easy way Like, right let's clean i i just i don't like cleaning no well you're a tall guy too so you have better you better aim at it like from an upper level you know i don't think you're i don't think you're struggling with aim into a sink i think you're all right well if you're if you're you know mugsy bogues or danny devito you

know you might have to get on a squatty potty to get the height. Danny DeVito's got little doggy stairs to jerk off into a sink. Like the kids with the teeth brushing. Doggy stairs. Jerking it. So many dumb ads over the years. Doggy stairs was one of the dumbest ones of all time. Yeah, but that squatty potty, that made millions Yeah, that one makes sense though, I think

Yeah, and actually, my friend likes it, he swears by it I go to his apartment, it's sitting right there Is there anything else that was huge? Was ShamWow big or was it just mocked? I think it was pretty big, the guy cleaned up Was ShamWow big or was it just mocked? I think it was pretty big I mean the guy cleaned up You know like auto places would buy it And car wash places

So they would all get it But then you had the Pet Rock guy Made a couple bills How about Slap Chop, was that big? No, what is that? Slap Chop, you just slap stuff And then you chop the food I don't know

Oh I don't know that one What do you call it The George Foreman grill That's probably where that started Huge Hulk Hogan turned it down Huge Whoa

A lot of dough So So it wasn't made by Foreman I thought he thought of it No I think it was like Someone made it And Let me fact check that right now

But I Remember Hogan I heard Hogan say that he turned it down um wow that's like uh will smith turning down the matrix it's worse same thing yeah will smith is getting more movie options these days than hulk hogan that's true but i i blame the, I mean, look, the guy did well, but I blame the entrepreneur. Michael C. Baum is who that guy should be getting out there and selling his own product. That's what you do. I guess.

But maybe, maybe it's way. I mean, George, George Foreman grill. It's like, maybe that's why it's that big. Although it's like, it's like the opposite of Stallone, right? Rocky. He was like, this is my baby. I'm in Rocky. They offered him more money.

Stallone still was like, I'm Rocky. This dude went the other way. He was like, no, this is George Foreman. Yes, you got to own it. I mean, it's your product. Papa John, the MyPillow guy, somebody else who says the N-word. You know, you got to own your product.

You got to get behind it. And you are the face of it. Man. But hey, look, got to own your product. You've got to get behind it, and you are the face of it. But hey, look, the George Foreman did great, but you're going to lose 30% of the profits going to Foreman. Huh, yeah, I wonder. I mean, that is, I wonder who would have been, like, the next choice after Hogan, Foreman. If Foreman turns it down, who's your next guy?

I mean, you could have Lou Ferrigno, but that's too much of a bummer he's got the speech impediment i was gonna say muhammad ali the whole parkinson thing might be an issue too it's like a thing where it's all about precision coming down yeah he's more for the shake weight uh had to do it shake weight was that big uh oh yeah? Oh, yeah. That had its moment in the sun. I don't think... I see it at gyms. It's sitting there.

Nobody ever uses it. It's ridiculous. It's too embarrassing, but it's around. People bought it. The Nutribullet had a real good time. It's just a blender, though, isn't it? It is, but it was quick and one push or two push. It's a gimmick.

Yeah. Anything else? Are we missing anything? Wasn't there something where you cut your hair and it vacuums it? Remember that? That might have been the 80s. There's also those Teflon pans do pretty well. Clap on.

Clap on. I bought a clapper. Yeah! That was the original Alexa. When you think about it, because you didn't have to move. Yeah, it was really like every fucking hack joke, too, was like, I got a standy, no. I fucked her.

I got a standy, no. I was not sure it was huge for the, hmm. The problem with the clapper, though, is it never worked when you wanted it to Like you're at home clap and it would turn off But when you had friends over you're like watch this Hold on you know it never worked When you needed it to

Yeah and it's also one of those things like you're like It was the most depressing ad it was like basically the lady from the life alert commercial She was just like And then she rolled over and you're like that's the whole fucking ad Yeah that was it Life Alert commercial, she was just like And then she rolled over and you're like That's the whole fucking ad? Yeah, that was it Oh, what about the Craftmatic adjustable bed Had a moment Oh, that would make the bed kind of go up?

Yeah, so the old people could sit up And watch TV and then go back to bed There you go That got around That was big It's kind of a nice thing actually If you think about it, it's kind of a nice thing, actually, if you think about it. It's kind of cool.

Yeah, and this is the 90s when there wasn't as much competition. If you got an invention together, there was no Shark Tank. There was no Amazon. There was no website. You had to get on TV and hock that product. Yeah, damn. That's a good point. Now it's like you can just put a website out or a YouTube video hey look what i made it's pretty cool apple bought it for two billion whatever and but back

then it was like this is all me in a garage in indianapolis now i gotta get it get a tv commercial crazy different times man what uh what are you watching? You got any recs? Read anything? Watch anything? Movie? Anything? Yeah well I just finished Well I don't know if I finished it Because it's still going but The Lady and the Dale I hear it's amazing I'm like a doc behind you or two

It's unbelievable I read about it so I know I just read the story because I was curious Yeah it's insane Yeah it's crazy This woman who did this whole journey Is like so ballsy And weird

And criminal and adventurous And then I'm only on episode 3 But I think the other one hasn't come out yet But it's the HBO Duplass Brothers from New Orleans by the way But Netflix, these cum guzzlers They they stretch out these docuseries for 12 episodes. They don't need to.

Which ones? These HBO ones. Making a Murderer, that was too long. Too long. I'm watching this other one now that Ron Howard just did about the lady who died at the Cecil Hotel in L.A. And they found her in the water tower. It's like a classic old true crime story But they finally did a doc about it

And it's so drawn out They just keep saying the same things over and over again And you're like, then each episode they give you one nugget And you're like, alright, now I gotta watch another one Yeah, everyone's talking about that one But they could have one episode Yeah, making a murder drove me nuts The only long one that I was okay with

Was The Staircase Because it was I know you love that one Yeah fuck man They're all too Just get it done I watched Tiger because of you I watched the Tiger Woods one

Oh again HBO So fucking good There was that one line the Tiger one Where some journalist comes on and goes once you conquer the world the world is gonna want us for revenge i was like oh my god fucking heavy tiger woods you feel bad for that dude because he he was so fucking good but he was like a more machine than man definitely definitely the only part of the man the only man thing about him Was his sex drive and his ego He was so competitive

Whatever that Australian guy was The good golfer I forgot his name Cool guy I can't remember his name Maybe that's it Handsome guy That was the one where Tiger was like

Yeah that was a pretty good hit But I usually hit it harder Or hit it longer. Oh, not Mickelson. Jesus Christ. Phil Mickelson, he's not Australian. He's from California. He was hilarious because he's just like a chubby dude with all the goods, and Tiger fucking hates him.

He's just like a fat dude. He's not even fat, but he's not Tiger. He doesn't look like an athlete for sure. Yeah, Tiger's ripped out there in a polo shirt but yeah it's just like hey man relax have some fun but he couldn't do it but i part of me is like is that what you got to do to be that good to be to be that is there a balance to be the best ever probably to be the best athlete i mean shit dude To get where he got And win

Yeah I think maybe you have to like It's a combination of like Physical gifts that you're born with But then also having a dad Who like it's so weird That his dad like it's kind of It's weird because he's two years old on what is it like Some show some talk show

Merv Griffin or some shit And he's hitting the ball and he's hitting the ball yeah and he's hitting the ball and you're like oh this you're smiling you're like this is amazing but you're like man it's also kind of sick that you're like bless you but then it's like the people judging it's like why aren't you doing this shit with your kids on tiktok if your kid was that if your kid was that good you'd be milking that shit for fucking views too And Tiger Great point

It is fucked up that the dad just He's just banging women in his trailer While Tiger's just out hitting balls So were those prostitutes? No, I think he like gave women golf lessons And he just had game I think that was Wow Damn good for him i mean crazy to do that in front of your kid he's cheating on his wife but

like i'm impressed that he could pull these like they were like he's pulling these hot young blondes i'm like how this guy looks like uh you know uncle ben on the rice box he's not even that good looking of a guy but hey his name was what was his name like mordecai or archibald or some shit some old guy name yeah he just kind of looked like a little puffy he was like a little like a puffy dude he just he looked he looked like a fucking north face you know like right but uh yeah But uh He would Pull chicks I think he was also I think when you're like a good athlete which he was

He obviously wasn't Tiger but he was like an athlete And he was in the war I think some of those Dudes just have like a fucking swagger and kind Of like I think when you've Once you've done that shit you're like yeah I'll fucking Ask for a number you know Yeah so true I've seen Charlie you know whizzing

Bullets by my head and I've you know watched One of my friends die I can hit on this Tiffany yeah dude I mean he and he was the Best I mean like At like 19 he was like the Fucking best Unbelievable yeah and It's this is gonna sound harsh

But it's still crazy how good he was And his rise and fall. And he still didn't beat Mickelson's record. Did he not? Which one? What was his record? Well, he's got like some crate, like 42 green jackets or opens or whatever you call it.

Yeah. And Tiger has like 39 or something. But isn't Tiger, I don't know enough about golf, but isn't Tiger still considered the greatest? Oh, for sure. He's a better golfer. He just never got there because Mickelson's been around for 65 years or whatever. Damn.

No, he's only five years older than Tiger, they said. He also, yeah, he's not that much older. Well, he does look terrible then. I don't think he's that old. I thought he was like 75. Phil Mickelson? Oh, who am I thinking of? I thought these golfers were like old honkies

Phil Mickelson? Well, he was the guy going against Tiger He's 50, he's not that old Oh, jeez All right, well, I'm the wrong guy Well, anyway Yeah, no, it's fucking incredible, though And Tiger

Like, I felt bad for him I remember Rachel you could tell used to come to Gary Veeder's shows Remember that it was your show with Gary Yeah she was at the show At Irish Yeah I saw her in the crowd once She was a good laugher I'm like yeah she tours family apart

But you know what she laughed At my jokes one time Gary said she was super nice Always She tore his family apart But you know what She laughed At my jokes one time And you know She seemed enthusiastic Gary said she was super nice Always Wow I'm I'm kind of into her

She's kind of Something about her She's just so down And trashy And fun Like I don't want to marry the lady But something about her is fun I think that was

Maybe the problem with Tiger It's like You're like This chick's fun I don't want to marry her It's like well then Don't fucking That was the fucked up thing Is that like He didn't just have Affairs He like tiger it's like you're like this chick's fun i don't want to marry her it's like well then don't fucking do that was the fucked up thing is that like he didn't just have affairs he like let them

think he was in love with all of them they all were like he broke my heart i'm like jesus you're not just cheating on your wife like you have bad cheating etiquette like there's and apparently they were pissed because he didn't pay for shit. Like even in the documentary, she was like, so I flew to Florida. I'm like, he didn't fucking fly you out. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. He didn't fly you places.

It's making a hundred million a year and he can't fucking get you JetBlue mint or something. You know what I mean? Right. Right. What the fuck? Oh, that's horrible. I didn't know that But yeah, I think they say psychologically You do that whole thing with women

Where you go like, I love you, you're special to me My wife, don't worry about her, you mean a lot to me I'm in love with you Because you feel bad about what your mom's been through Oh wow, his mom was through a lot Yeah, so it's in a weird way It's like, I feel horrible with what my dad does my mom, so I'm going to make these women feel good Well, short term

I guess, yeah, they were not Happy with him, I mean that's Crazy, it's also hilarious To think of Tiger Woods just in Vegas Out with MJ and Charles Barkley He's just like the geeky one Yep, yep, yep So true, now here's a horrible question that nobody wants to hear,

but I can't help myself from thinking it or asking it. But no one's listening, so hey. I don't think that's true. I think people are listening. Oh, shit. All right. Maybe I brought this up before, but if you are a black and Asian, you got the huge dong On the black side

The tiny dong on the Asian Does it meet halfway Or do you think you still go black dong You know I don't know It's an interesting question I think If we're basing this purely off stereotypes

I think he's doing alright Would be my guess I figure he guess too because he's built more black i'd say there are asian guys have you seen bruce lee yeah but he's still petite i'd say he's thin but he's built all right i hear you so he's like a he's ripped he's shredded Hmm It's a question I think sometimes swagger says a lot too And he had swagger He did have swagger, well if you're that good Yeah, that is the other thing

Just being great will give you swagger Yeah, I don't know, that's a great We'll have to go to the listeners Do you think it's huge, tiny Or in the middle And we're basing this only off stereotypes, of course. Yes. Obviously, some black guys have tiny dongs,

and some Asian guys, I'm sure, have huge dongs. But I'm just going off what I've seen in the video. Even that sounded condescending. You said, I'm sure. You're going off some myth. Look, I'm sure it's possible. Right. That's got to be kind of fun.

Maybe it's a gamble, but if you're a girl who fucks white dudes a lot Every white dude is It's like, who knows It's up in the air I've seen some white guys I know with huge dongs And I've seen white guys I know with tiny And so every woman's going in completely blind Interesting

I guess you could say the same with a vagina But it's not the same Like, like wow i guess there's not the range right right maybe the outdoors look a little messier or clean the porch is messier or cleaner but the inside is usually pretty simple yeah the interior is the same i'd say for the most part yeah yeah uh yeah that's a good point is the uh the penis a gamble it is a gamble you're going in not knowing it's kind of like watching a movie and not reading anything about it yeah that's great that's great or or or seeing a comic you're just like we're gonna see comedy and then sometimes you get gaffigan and sometimes you get fucking uh you know cory holcomb crazy reference you got to be a comedy fan um interesting so my record i realize it's it's interesting what about so i'm a tiger yeah that

was my favorite doc in a while that one was that's my wreck this week your wreck is what was it again called well i was just i got a this week. Your rec is What was it again called? Well, I got a different rec. You were asking What I was watching, but I'm trying To mix it up with the recs Because I feel like every time I give a documentary Or a movie So I'm going

With something, and this is perfect For me and you You showed me this in I don't know, 2012? 2013? We went to Montreal. We were in your hotel room, which was filthy. We were pre-gaming

before a show, and I mentioned your facial hair. And I was like, your facial hair is always perfectly even, and not long, but not short. And you said, you gotta get this shaver oh the norelco the norelco i love this thing i've had it since you told me about it i bought it the next day on amazon i've had the same one it's the best thing i rarely charge it it cuts perfectly

we were talking about late night infomercials that just kind of looked like one for a second this is the best thing i use it every night uh right then you get the black and white where i'm like no i love that thing i use it i use it constantly starburst he has one for his pubes and one for his face perfect yeah those greek pubes i'm sure i need a need a real trimming but yeah um yeah. I like this. We're doing more than just... I like this rec thing where we can do anything. Yeah. I'm branching out.

I'm outside the box. Last week, I did a band. This week, I'm doing that. I listened to some of it. And I'm also going to rec... Oh, nice. What was the other rec? It's fun.

Well, I'm a big self-help douche with these motivational queefs and all these guys, and I love all this Zen Buddha shit and all these successful tips. And if self-help is too pretentious and too annoying, a good way to transition is a YouTube channel called After School and school with a k and they illustrate it all so they you they play some guy like some tim ferris type guy and he's talking and they illustrate it while he's talking and it makes it so much more captivating so much more accessible and they are the art is really cool and they pick great little clips to put up and uh can't recommend it sounds good i was funny you said after school i just pictured like Mary-Kay Letourneau. No, that's fucking, that sounds great.

That sounds cool. I love, I love stuff where you're like, I mean, I got into, I listened to a few episodes of Malcolm Gladwell's podcast. Cause you, I like,

I like your recs, man. I go, I go right to them. Oh, thanks. Yeah. You know,

you try to, try to branch out. It's all about open-mindedness and new things. And there's so much shit out there that we just stay in our little tunnel. We go, I like this. I like this. I'm sticking with it. If you branch out, there's so much great shit. I'm the king of that. It's like, man, it's a pandemic.

You got to mix it up. Your life is the same. I got to stop watching The Sopranos and The Simpsons all the time. I got to chill. Yeah, well said. I'm going to do that for sure. I'll check out after school. Yeah, like Joe List bought a mandolin. He's like, I've always wanted to try a mandolin.

And I was like, yeah, what the fuck? So I bought a piano. I bought a keyboard. It's on the way. It's shipping right now. Are you going to become like Galifianakis on stage now? God, no, no, no. I mean, I love Zach, but no.

Are you going to do like Dimitri Martin shit where you just do like one-liners? Yeah, I got an easel coming and a projector. But no, I just want to be the guy, you know, when you're at a party, it's kind of dead. And, you know, you're looking around. You're like, what is that? You blow the dust off. You blow the little cover off. And then everybody starts dancing and somebody throws you a beer you know

i like that your vision is just like you're just like the dude in the heineken commercial yeah you're the fun guy in every 80s comedy where every dangerfield movie every dangerfield movie for some reason he would just start singing and it made notes like like uh fucking back to school meet wally sparks he's He's singing with all the wives Goodness greatness Great balls of fire You're just like Why is this in the movie?

I know Was that his idea? So funny though But yeah A pretty girl gets on the piano Starts dancing And she kisses me My tie is like on my forehead

For some reason Yeah I can't wait I love it I love that you're gonna be I know this is good I'm to be at a fucking party with you Hopefully sooner rather than later And this shit's going to fucking You're just going to go right for it

I'm going to be like, oh, this is what It paid off, this is what it was for Yep, yep, exactly And it's going to be a nightmare learning how to play And getting the finger strength and all that But I'm in a pandemic. What else am I doing? Yeah, I should do something productive. I say that I won't, but I should start thinking about something.

I'll figure something. You write a lot, at least. And, you know, you got a couple pods and you got... Play ball sometimes. Yeah, you got stuff cooking. And you read. I play ball. Oh, yeah.

And you play ball. I do some Oh, yeah. And you play ball. I do some stuff. Yeah. But it's not new. Something new. I feel like that's good for your brain. I feel like that's got to be. Yes.

Agreed. What? Any pet peeves? Yeah. Yeah. Well, we should do this. Oh, yeah. Let's do an ad.

Speaking of pet peeves, I'll tell you what's not a pet peeve. Lucy's nicotine gum Have you tried this, Mark? I have I'm a fan Great flavors So good, right? You got pomegranate

You got cinnamon Wintergreen I mean, you're gonna like You know how women kiss you And they're like You taste like shit You're a smoker Now you actually taste good

And you still get that Four gram of nicotine rush. Because it's hard to quit smoking, right, Mark? Oh, it's got to be the hardest thing out there. I mean, there's books and tapes on it. People kill themselves over this shit. So get this gum, and if you don't like gum, get the lozenges. They got cherry ice lozenges.

They taste great. The gum tastes really good. It's got the nicotine in it. And get rid of those cigarettes. Unplug your vape. Throw out your dip and get a pack of Lucy. Do yourself a favor and subscribe. It'll show up at your doorstep each month and you'll always be ready.

Get out there and create a better and cleaner you with a nicotine alternative. They're supporting the show, so go support them. 20% off all products, including gum or lozenges, at lucy.co with code DRUNK. That's 20% off lucy.co, promo code DRUNK. So clearly, you know, this sounds like a good deal.

And here's the part the lawyers will make us say. Warning, the product contains nicotine derived from tobacco nicotine is an addictive chemical but you already knew that so 20 off lucy.co with code drunk yes there you go all right now you gave me your wreck okay okay uh so i gotta tell you this pet peeve, and this is going to be another weird one because I get annoyed by weird shit, but you ever have this one? Some guy is telling you a story

or telling you a fun fact or something, and you start laughing, and they go, no, no, I'm serious. And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, but it's still funny. And they're like, no, no, I'm serious. Like, yeah, all right, but I still can find serious stuff funny. And they're like, I'm telling you, yeah, yeah, I know, but it's still funny And they're like, no, no, I'm serious Yeah, alright, but I still can find serious stuff funny

And they're like I'm telling you, man, this guy murdered three people I'm like, wow, three people? No, seriously I'm like, yeah, I know, that's why it's funny He was butt naked when he did it And you're like laughing, he's like, seriously, his dick was wiggling everywhere And you're like Yes, yes, I'm aware

It's serious, I've just got a fucked up Sense of humor, baby, let me laugh Also, it's serious I've just got a fucked up sense of humor maybe Let me laugh Also, there's that line from that That Barenaked Ladies song I can't believe I'm quoting the Barenaked Ladies But I'm the type of guy that laughs at a funeral I'm like, that's every comedian

Doesn't mean we're bad people We're fucking We laugh at weird shit Good point, yeah People are attracted to other stuff Let me attract a horrible humor We're dead inside We need a, you know

We've explored everything else So we need maybe an extra jolt Of darkness to jumpstart This is our life, it's like of course dark jokes You think like fucking hookers just only bang Missionary We're into the getting choked Of comedy probably

I don't know We like a dark joke here Completely Yeah I mean some preacher Can kick back with a high life We're like hey how about an eight ball And a tequila We have to kick it up a notch

We're in too deep I'm totally with you People get annoyed at me Do not laugh How do you tell someone not to laugh I know man i i totally i'm totally with you people get annoyed with me though do not laugh and i'm like how do you tell someone not to laugh like what i know how about you let them fucking yeah i don't know i'm with you i'm serious yeah yeah yeah i know exactly who cares it made me live it triggered an involuntary response like you telling me it's serious

isn't going to change how i am yeah it's weird it's kind of like it's usually someone who doesn't really know you though it's like they're really going to be like if they're really going to be like uh you know why are you laughing at that you're like well you don't you don't know me yeah yeah and and to be clear it's not always about offensive stuff like it could just be about anything like this dude bought another couch and i'm like oh wow another i'm serious i'm like yeah yeah i know it's just funny he bought another couch i believe you they i think they think you don't believe i sometimes laugh harder in dark movies than i do in Comedies Silence of the Lambs is hilarious

Like put it The bunny in the The lotion in the basket Are you doing Con Air there for a second I got screwed up with the bunny in the box Good catch Yeah Con Air is hilarious Con Air is fucking funny

By the way young Dave Chappelle in that And can you imagine being that comic at that age? Like, I'm working with Nicolas Cage, John Cusack, like, John Malkovich What the fuck? Yeah, I mean, he worked with Mel Brooks when he was even younger, right? I mean, Robin Hood, Men in the Tides He was probably not starstruck at that point, I would think I guess, but at least Mel Brooks Robin Hood, Men in the Tights. He was probably not starstruck at that point, I would think.

I guess. But at least Mel Brooks, I feel like he's a legend and a hero of mine. But he's still a comedian and in the mix. This is like A-level Hollywood shit. Yeah, dude. Is there anyone who's more hit or miss than Nicolas Cage in history? It's insane. I know. I'd say more miss. hit or miss in Nicolas Cage in history. It's insane. I know.

I'd say more miss, but, I mean, leaving Las Vegas is unbelievable. Yeah, he's great in that movie. It's also like, you know what he is? He's the, I don't know what this white dude's penis is going to look like of movies. Yes. Great callback. Leaving Las Vegas.

Adaptation's incredible Raising Arizona Incredible Great, so great, yeah, so true And he can act when he wants to But he just picks these ghost writers Moonstruck is great Oh, Moonstruck, he's hilarious in that He's so fucking funny in that movie

And I heard he had A ton of gambling debts and has to take these movies to pay that's what i heard that's that's actually i don't want to see that movie it's just like a fake nicholas cage just on set of shitty movies played by nicholas cage right right talking to some bookie but like but he's like but he's like bad Lieutenant Nicolas Cage in a Nicolas Cage movie. Right, right. Also not a bad movie. But Face Off is like objectively silly and ridiculous, but I enjoy the hell out of it.

I guess we found the other guy who is the most hit or miss is Travolta. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. I mean, I don't want to say Adam Sandler because we're fans, but I mean, he's had some real misses too, like Jackie Hill. I think comedy is also like... I thought Quick was pretty good, actually.

Really? I didn't hate it. I thought it was... Maybe I'm one of the only... It's a wonderful life vibe. I don't know. I didn't hate it. Christopher Walken Was so good I'll give you that I like Walken

No comedy I think I think every Big comedian Is in hit or miss Movies If you're like I mean

Kevin Hart isn't You know Fucking Jim Carrey Come on Like everyone's hit or miss Everyone's hit or miss Big A-list

Will Ferrell's been in duds He's one of the funniest dudes ever Yeah He's amazing Will Ferrell, I feel like They just say a genre Of a sport, and then Will Ferrell Ice skating and Will Ferrell

We'll take it, car racing and Will Ferrell We'll take like ice skating and will ferrell we'll take it car racing and will ferrell we'll take it basketball will ferrell we'll take it you know it's it's just him it's all him yeah they were all pretty good i didn't see that i didn't see semi-pro but i thought i mean i i just kind of like will ferrell man i uh talladega knights is saying great so good sasha baron cohen is great in that, what do you think of the new Borat? Did you like it? I actually never saw it. I'm not a huge Borat guy.

I love Baron Cohen stuff. I love Ali G. I love the first Borat. I saw it in the theater. It was unbelievable. But as I get older, I'm not crazy about the tricking people and making them look stupid stupid And that's the joke I don't know, I just feel bad for them

And they tend to be a lot of idiots and yokels So that makes it even weirder to me That's interesting, you know what I've kind of felt similarly about I love Bill Maher's show I'll listen to Bill Maher's show every week Me too But Religious is like

Bill Maher's super He's a super smart guy And he's fucking with Cadill And he's like fucking with like Cadillac priests Where I'm just like These dudes aren't fucking legit I know they have big followings but it's like You're dealing with idiots here And then occasionally you get like a politician

Like this should have been the whole movie Going after smart con men Right right Yeah yeah I'm with you He's in a gun salesman Or a trailer park church And you're like, dude, these people need this shit They're down and out, they're all addicts

That felt like very Hollywood But as I said, I'm a fan of the show I think his show is great I think his show is great too I think he keeps it real and all that But yeah, that was a little tough I'm with you And I'm from the South too So there's like a little bit of like a

Alright, easy on these fucking rednecks, will ya? They're just trying to survive What about Yeah, that's interesting I totally see what you're saying That's what I kind of like about Impractical Jokers Because I do feel like it's them Yes

Fucking with each other Yes, yeah It's a brilliant comedy move Same with Jackass, they're shooting each other out of a cannon They're running away from bulls, they're shooting each other With like a stun gun It's them It is weird to like pitch

You're like, yeah I just fuck with strangers on the street And you're like, yeah we all fucking hate that guy But we're watching I don't know I don't like I don't like it I feel like There's a lot of hypocrisy with the politics You'd be mean to this side

Because I'm not on this side But if you're mean to that side, it's mean But you should be compassionate I don't know, it's all very strict I like the we're friends and we're the butt of the joke That's my favorite Of the hidden camera thing And the same goes with stand-up

If a stand-up's just up there going This group sucks, fuck you You gotta hit yourself every now and then You gotta be humble and be human too You always tell me that Like I'll have a joke You're like, it would work better if you shit on yourself In the beginning

And I'm like, you're right Yes, I mean that's why every comic Almost every comic will open Self-deprecating on late night or something To get that quick kind of You know So yeah Heads up

I don't like me either You know Marin Yeah He said this great opener Where he would Come out on stage and go Alright

Take a moment to judge me I remember that I sleeped it on Conan But it's like I remember that. I see you did on Conan. But it's like, you need that quick joke where you show yourself. I think that was great, because that shows self-awareness as well. So it's like, you want to show them that you're aware.

Yeah, yeah, totally. It's a hacky move, but it works like a charm when the comic goes, I know, I know, I look like this, and that guy fucked Or I look like John Goodman fucked A coke machine or whatever the fuck it is You know, and it always hits

Because they go, you too It's the icebreaker Right, right, exactly Yeah, if you show yourself I mean, look, if there's a way to make Sometimes the joke is only funny if you're shitting on someone else So It's not like a perfect recipe But if you can make it about you There's a way to make Sometimes the joke is only funny If you're shitting on someone else So Someone Of course

I'm not It's not like a perfect recipe But like if you can make it about you Yeah That I think I think helps Yeah

Yeah Agreed Alright you got a What did I just give you? The pet peeve Yeah When you laugh When they laugh

When you laugh And they go You know what I mean? You asking what you said? Oh my pet peeve is Alright I have a few, I gotta choose one I wrote down a few things bugging me

This bugs me When people go He's got a family As like a defense for someone being a piece of shit Give him a break He's got a family I have to be an incredible human being because I don't have a family? Yeah.

What the fuck? Everybody's got a family. You're only existing because of your family. I think they mean he's got a wife and kids, though, I think is what they mean. Ah, okay. I gave a friend of ours shit. He goes, he's a good guy. He smokes cigars and he's got a family.

I'm like, that's all it takes? I was like, what? So I drink green juice, i'm a piece of shit and i'm single you know i'm alone right that's a great point it's so anybody i mean every tom dick and harry's got a fate you just jizzed in some some skank and she had a she didn't have birth control so now i'm gonna be nice maybe i'm actually a better person because i didn't i didn't dump a load in a stranger and know that i would probably be ready to be a father so i i i hate the uh he's got a family that's a great catch because you people say that all the time you go all right all right but yeah fuck that why are we letting that be a thing Let me do one more I'm with you When people go I love you but They preface it I love you but

And you're like alright What is it and they're like can you lower the volume And you're like why do you have to Tell me you love me before that Just say hey do you mind I'm sorry just lowering the volume How soft do you think we are as people That you have to cushion that with? Hey, I love you.

Yeah. What does your love have to do? Right. It's, it's pretty shitty. That's, that's a sloppy, lazy version of the humbling thing that we were just talking about. I love you, but can you, can you hand me the salt shaker? You're like, just ask me for the fucking salt shaker. Don't try to, you're trying to ask for something, but still be a good guy.

It's totally transparent. I don't like that either. I hate that. Yeah, so those are my two big ones, I'd say. Yeah, you know what else in that same ballpark is the, I had a friend who would change his voice. He would go down a few octaves when he would ask for something. He'd be like, Hey, yeah, you know

Can you give me a ride to the airport? And you're like, just ask me for a ride I don't know what the voice changes He would try to sound cuter or something Women do that in the cabs when they need a favor Or the, excuse me, can I have a cigarette? Yes, yes, they do That's dead on

We can see through it, Skanks, come on Excuse me, sir Excuse me Can I have a camel? That's true That's hilarious I should try that Excuse me

The guy would give it to you What the fuck is wrong with this guy with this guy that guy exists in the west village honestly can i have your coat buddy ah excuse me the voice okay i got one more one last one one more i have a lot of these this is coming. This is like a prior set. My friend, here's another people who deserve an inoperable tumor at the base of their spine. Here's another group of people

who has which health plan included abortion. I love, dude, the best, you know what the best one in that special is, is when he goes,

people who say my daddy. Well, my daddy used to say, blah what my daddy used to say fuck your daddy fuck your daddy uh it's not even great writing but it's so fun it's not a good joke but it gets me every time like i'm like that's not a joke but i laugh every time i hear it he got got real loose on that special, and I was 100% behind it where he goes, you know what I hate? Guys named Todd. Like, what the, what basis do you have for hating guys? You've never met everybody named Todd.

He's like, you know what? I like a guy named Eddie. And you're like, I love where you're going. I get it. But man, you are taking some, this is a big jump here. I listen to that special a lot. It's a funny, that's a fucking funny one, man. you're going. I get it. But man, you are taking some. This is a big deal. I listen to that special a lot. It's a funny. That's a fucking funny one, man. You're right.

It's so loose. Is that complaints and grievances or is that back in town? No, it's complaints and grievances. Okay. Man, I used to listen to that in my college dorm, like fist pumping. Yeah, I would laugh so hard that I re-listen to it every now and then. I'm like, it might not be as good as I remember it, but I still love it. Yeah, dude.

I mean, those old Carlins. If you listen back now, how much has changed with all the can't say that and canceling? It is so harsh, a lot of the shit he's saying. He says the N-word a few times. He's like, you know what I call feminists? A cum catcher. You're like, whoa! I can't believe he's saying this shit to a microphone

It's weird how he would be like so reasonable at times And then so unreasonable And you're kind of like, eh, it's fucking Carl You just, I think you're just going, going like Yeah, if you're a Carlin fan You gotta know you're not gonna love everything you hear that night But it was that funny It didn't fucking matter

Exactly And you could tell he was a good guy He was on the right side of everything But he still just liked making fucked up jokes That's the best I think he's the best kind of comedian You know, like, he's gonna do abortion stuff He's gonna do black jokes

And feminists, making fun of women But like, he's like, we gotta take down these politicians These priests are fucking kids Like, he was always The war is stupid, like he was on the right side We gotta take down these politicians These priests are fucking kids Like he was always the war is stupid Like he was on the right side We gotta take down these pedophiles We gotta take down these politicians We gotta take down guys in visors

What's up with guys that wear their hats backwards You're 48 Jeff Turn that fucking head around It's ridiculous Here's another one all right oh wow all right so I got my friend got invited to everything's on zoom now I'm going nuts I did a zoom benefit the other night you know to raise money for this like rotary club in Connecticut and uh this woman starts first off she starts heckling me in the thing but it's a guy and I go fuck you

Steven you fucking pussy so I start trashing him and then he goes this is his wife vivian i go oh i fucking hate you so so i just start piling on it felt so satisfying to destroy someone with a mic i'm like people have so much fucking confidence behind a keyboard you know but uh but then when you start turning on them and all the other people on the keyboards are like fuck her get her i'm like yes it was satisfying my point of this is zoom everything on zoom like my friend goes i got invited to a zoom bris a zoom are we not taking this too we can't do a private bris now you're gonna make me watch you fucking you're gonna watch your baby get circumcised without free bagels or coffee that's the point you're going there for the hang.

Right, right. It's a family affair. It's a tradition or a religious thing. Like, this doesn't need to be Zoomed. I'm not going to a Zoom baptism either. It's too much. You know what I would say? I was like, hey, can you give me recording clearance?

Can I record this too? Yeah, you don't have a Tubin situation Or a Jubin But it's just crazy Because now I'm watching a baby dick on my computer My whole life is about not ever doing that What's even weirder is I've got another window open With a baby dick Yeah, exactly

I don't know which baby dick to watch Those are my things Any news stories? Anything good? You're a machine with these. I got to tell you, I had not much news. I'm not even crazy about this segment. We could change this segment for something else.

Yeah, maybe we should. You got any, like, a toast? We talked about doing a toast. Is there anything impressing you or something you're proud of? I'll come up with a toast next week. Let me think of a toast now anything i feel like i'm much better at uh i might have to spin some pet peeves into positives for my toast people not inviting me to that's the thing it's like i'll say this i'll toast a toast the one good thing about this pandemic i have not been invited to

weddings oh you hate i just hate like i hate how annoyed people get when we don't go Because it's like Just look I'll go to some But understand it's a big ask That's all I'm saying It's our job It's like literally the equivalent of us being like Take Monday through Friday off work

Oh yeah Oh yeah Get a plane ticket, put on a suit, sit through a fucking service, go to the reception where you don't know anybody, you know, uncle Dale and he's weird and you gotta,

you know, get a headlock from him. So then you get really drunk just to get through it. Now you're hung over. You gotta get back on a plane. I mean, it's a nightmare. Do you have a,

do you, do you hate going to weddings too? Or, I mean, I don't hate them. I, I have fun at them. I just, I want to nightmare Do you hate going to weddings too? I mean, I don't hate them I have fun at them I want to do stand-up, especially now Think about all the weddings that have been backlogged

Oh, you're right It's going to be mayhem, dude It's going to be Anytime I see a friend of mine post a thing like We decided to get married at City Hall ourselves Because of the pandemic I'm like, fuck yeah, dude. Hell yeah.

I'll send you a gift. Yeah, weddings are tough. I mean, I love if it's a friend and you're like, I'm going to know half the fucking party and I'm going to see a band and get drunk in a suit and dance with my lady and all that. Yeah, sure, it's good. But it always cuts into your, all we have are our weekends.

That's where I make my money, so it's tough. And I love doing stand-up so much. That's the other thing, and I miss it so much. With the regularity, we used to be able to do it. Yeah, no, you're right. I love Liz's wedding, Rachel's wedding. I've been at weddings where I've been like, this has been the most fun, but yeah, I want to do stand-up.

Yeah, yeah, no, I'm with you, I'm with you. When I was in college and I wasn't doing stand-up. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm with you. I'm with you. Like, when I was in college and I wasn't doing stand-up yet, a wedding was awesome. It was like, oh, free drinks and music and, you know, friends. But, yeah, now it's a chore. And then especially when you're like, this isn't going to last anyway. What the hell am I doing here? I went to one wedding and it ended like two weeks after.

They got a divorce immediately Yeah, I'm not going to say who You know the guy Oh yeah, I do know him And it sucked It was kind of like He tricked me Damn

I mean, it still sucks to get divorced Of course, of course Yeah, he's doing great now and all that But it was just this weird thing I think the girl's parents made him do it Which is so stupid Because now you just paid for this And it's over

I don't know, traditional shit How about You want to do a joke or a toast? What are you thinking? I got a bit here It's in the rawest form And I need your help on here I tried it on stage and it got something

But it was clunky as hell so i think there's something there all right i find it so interesting like the bio biology of humans like you can see a girl and you can see her like oh she's got pretty hair and immediately you're like i want to fuck her so it's kind of crazy that your body and your mind see this woman with pretty hair and you automatically think i want to make a baby with her but your mind knows you're not going to have a baby you're just going to simulate having a baby you're just going to do the the fun part you know but your body thinks you're going to actually do the baby thing that's why you get a boner you know so your your brain's going let's go fuck

this chick or fake fucker and your dick doesn't know Your dick's like I'm in let's make that kid But maybe that's why you can't get it up sometimes Because your brain and your body Are too in tune So your brain's like let's go fuck her Why aren't you hard and your dick's like what am I an idiot I know what's happening here I know there's no baby

I love it I think there's something There's a lot to unpack There's something funny about the idea You throw a condom over your dick. It's like almost like like a mafioso walking into a room thinking he's going to get made. And you just like put a bag over his head. This isn't what you thought it was. You know, that's that's the semen. We're killing the semen. So no baby will be made. Exactly. Literally. Exactly. You're not getting made.

Literally you're not getting made Yes That's great That's a great angle It's just so crazy Because your dick has no idea But your brain knows Your brain's like I'm not going to ever see this woman again It's a one night stand

I'm in Missouri But your dick is like let's go Here we go And if it does know It's kind of like why would I get out of bed for this Yeah it's such a big idea I love it I think something about

Having to trick your penis Is so funny Like He's really like But I think you make a point That's why the condom is so Because it's harder to get a boner With a condom

Maybe because your dick's Kind of starting to figure it out Like wait a minute Why wouldn't you want Why wouldn't you want a baby Yeah I thought that's what we're doing here What the fuck Your dick thinks you're just going to knock someone up Right

But you need your brain Because the dick doesn't ask any questions The dick isn't like hey you've only known her for 40 minutes The brain is The brain is protecting the entire body. The penis is just thinking about itself. Ah, yeah. Yeah, that's true.

All right. Yeah, the dick is like, it's almost like, you know, they say you're thinking with your penis. It's like, no, you're thinking with your brain. Yeah. Because, well, hold on. You're thinking with your penis and you go, yeah, but I'm controlling him. Right. It's almost like when your parents are like, hey, kids, how are you?

And then you tell your wife, like, we got to go to the D-O-C-T-O-R. And the kid's like, what? What are we doing? You're like, we're getting ice cream. You know how you have to spell it out for the wife and the kids have no idea? Yeah, that's interesting. And maybe that's how you work in the can't get it up angle. Right.

I'm bringing kids in, which is odd. But yeah. There's something. Kids with a boner. It's a tough sell. But you see what I'm bringing kids in, which is odd But yeah Kids with a boner It's a tough sell I totally get what you're doing You kind of have to mislead There's something very mafia About it to me, where you're like

We're going to this place And then you take them there and you're like This isn't the clack Boom! Yeah, right, right this place and then you take him there and you're like this isn't the clack you know boom yeah right right yeah because pesci thought he was about to get made and they shot him in the head there's something about having to lie and you're lying to yourself your penis is a part of you yes yes but your penis doesn't realize its power. Like, this thing, penis, you're just thinking, like, yeah, you were made to, you know what it is?

The penis was made to have babies. That's the whole purpose. Yeah, but we've made some advancements. Like, penis doesn't have eyes. Penis doesn't know what's on the internet. Penis doesn't know where a lot of his shit ends up a lot of the time. And thank God for that. Penis would look and be like, you're putting it where? This is horrible.

What if penis is just like a really sweet person? I'm here to make babies. Right, right. Why does it smell like shit in here? Why am I on her breasts? Yeah. Even the mouth must be confusing to the dick. Right, right. Why does it smell like shit in here? Why am I on her breasts? Yeah, yeah. Even the mouth must be confusing to the dick. Like, why are there teeth in this pussy?

This is getting pretty dirty, but I think it's an interesting idea. I like the... I like this end up a lot of... And I'm a step slow. I apologize. I'm hungover as fuck But I think the Don't push it

I think Finding a second use That's kind of what the penis is It's almost like when the phone got a camera Where you're like, no, you can do other shit now We do Right Right

That's not it The penis has a second use now Second use, I like that And it kind of hasn't caught up yet And thank God it hasn't Oh man, Can you imagine? You'd have to. I mean, that's what you're doing, though.

You have to drug the penis sometimes. Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. Like, you have to lie to it. Yeah, no. Definitely having a baby. Maybe it is. I mean, you could maybe like you're trying to sweet talk.

Come on, penis. Think about all the times I give you massages maybe like, you're trying to sweet talk penis. Come on, penis. Think about all the times I give you massages. I'm so good to you, penis. I don't know. I'm getting too dirty now. Well, what do you got? I had an idea for a bit about this woman was trying to set me up on a date.

And she was like, so what kind of woman do you like? Like, give me a type of woman that you want to be set up with. And I think, um, it revealed to me, like I watched too much porn because I was like, you know, mature,

busty, uh, handjob, uh, Asian. Yeah. I did the other night at a handjob. Got a nice something.

Yeah. Yeah. Mature, mature mature neighbor uh stepmom she's like wait what right right ebony call her ebony it has it's just a quick one that's no that's there's a lot there i think and you could keep going like yeah you know uh in a where do people fuck like in a in a what do you call those uh in a test home you know like you're a realtor oh yeah like a realtor try finding a new house stockings they're like what Yeah That's interesting like Because a woman would never do that

A woman goes off a romcom You know like funny ambitious smart Charming And you're going off of porn That's a good point yeah a woman is going off A type of dude Like I feel like they're going for It's funny I feel like they're going for It's funny

I feel like guys go for like Fake professions and women want real professions Oh Interesting yeah Even at a male strip club All the dudes have jobs Right You know which has been done before

They come out as like a fireman cop Whatever construction worker Whereas a stripper just comes out as a fireman, cop, whatever, construction worker. Whereas a stripper just comes out as hot. That's true. I feel like someone must have done that angle, though, no? Yeah, yeah, I'm sure. I'm just throwing up spitball on different ideas. But I think comparing it to what a woman would say, because a woman's gone off a romance novel Or a rom-com Or some guy they actually already like

And you're going off of porn Handsome, lawyer Handsome, successful I've never been like She needs to have a big apartment Yeah It's funny because success Has nothing to do with our fantasy

But with women it's like I'd like a guy who's ambitious Makes money, good job, doctor I feel like this must have been done though I don't know You don't think so? I don't think the porn thing has been done That's funny, that's very you too

I think that feels like a thrill Alright That porn joke from the old special Was like It makes women sound better It's so politically correct It's not a cum shot, it's a facial That bit was huge

Big, beautiful woman Cosmo is meaner to women than porn That was a bit You're not fat in porn There's no fat and old Cosmo, but there's fat and old porn, right? Cosmo's like, how to shed that last 10 pounds. Porn is like, you're perfect.

We have a category for you right here. You're not fat. You're a big, beautiful woman. You're not old. You're mature. You're not covered in semen. You're getting a facial. That's a great bit.

And half the fun of that bit Well not half the fun But a funny part for me Is picturing you with your dick in your hand About to jerk off going Oh I got something I gotta write this down Isn't that funny

Do you ever do that when you're like You know with May or something You know you're just doing your thing And then you're like Can you give me a second Yeah oh yeah that's the worst I mean but you gotta get that bit down or else you'll forget it. Yeah.

Got to write it down. We were fooling around the other night, and I was like, oh, let me turn the lights on because she wears contacts, and she didn't have her contacts in. And she's like, let me turn the light. I was like, let me turn the lights on. You probably can't see me because you have bad vision. She was like, no, it's kind of hot. And I was like, ah, geez. You know, the lights on you probably can't see me because you have bad vision she was like no it's kind of hot and i was like ah geez you know it's hotter if you

can't see me so i was like i gotta write this down and it totally hilarious yeah i had uh during quarantine uh she gave me a haircut you know and she goes wow you don't look like yourself at all and then she started kissing me and i was like why are you fucking kissing me After you tell me that Right, right, exactly But you gotta write it down Well, people Make sure to keep emailing us at WeMightBeDrunkPod at Gmail We'll read those on the Patreon app

We got a lot of Patreon people already, dude Woo, yeah, yeah Send us stuff, we'll read it You could get your shit read on the live app, on the Patreon. Some funny stuff, some great premises. A lot of talented drunks out there. Is that what we're calling our people? I like the drunks.

So the booze bags, or the booze hounds, or the bar flies. I don't want to leave out people who are in recovery. That's my only fear. Because we have a lot of listeners who say they're in recovery So I like that too So we'll think of something though Yeah, yeah, that's true Addicts, I mean alcoholics could go both ways

That's, Alkies Alkies I like that, that's good, there we go The Alkies, alright, until further notice That's what we're going with Alright, perfect Well, good stuff, baby Guys, keep listening, subscribe to the Patreon All right, until further notice. That's what we're going with. All right. Perfect. Well, good stuff, baby. Guys, keep listening.

Subscribe to the Patreon. Give us a nice review on iTunes. And keep on listening. Oh, and follow the Instagram page. We might be drunk pod. Oh, yeah. Oh, shout out the email address. Oh, we might be drunk pod at gmail.com.

There it is. We got so many emails already. So we appreciate it. We changed the email address Oh, we might be drunkpod at gmail.com There it is We got so many emails already So we appreciate it We changed the email to, you know To a new one But I think this is the keeper We figured it out finally Yes, hear, hear See you on the Patreon, guys

Bye