We Might Be Drunk - Ep 102: Matteo Lane - Gobble Gobble

Episode Date: November 21, 2022

Coming to you from the dining room in Mark's new house we have Matteo Lane at the Thankgiving table with us! Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/shows Matteo Lane: https://www.youtube.com/@matteolanecomedy Visit www.betterhelp.com/Drunk for 10% off your first month. Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code DRUNK for 20% off. Get 20% off with the code DRUNK at https://wwwLucy.co https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com/shop https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com

Hey! Hey! Happy Thanksgiving! We did different ones. Gobble gobble. Shit. Here we are. Gobble gobble's a peeve.

Already with a peeve. I got a peeve already. I don't like gobble gobble. Okay. What are you saying on gobble gobble? To be honest with you, I don't think I've heard anyone use it so freely until right now. I should have seen my ex. Gobble gobble. To be honest, I don't think I've heard anyone use it so freely until right now. I should have seen my ex. Gobble, gobble.

All right. Well, you guys can both get stuffed. I have yesterday. I think he wanted to. Yeah. Well, we're joined by one of our good buddies, a comic we love. Give it up. Mateo Lane.

Happy Thanksgiving. The perfect Thanksgiving guest. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Not related to Nathan. comic we love give it up mateo lane happy thanksgiving yes yes yes thank you not related to nathan no but um someone said to me at a restaurant the other week this waiter comes like i'm such a huge fan of your work i love you nathan lane and i said you know what i said that's wrong but honestly it's right yeah and then he said then he gave me a discount he was like but sorry for messing up your name it's the nathan Lane discount. I was like, okay, work. There you go. Wow.

I love Nathan Lane. I'll take Nathan Lane. He's a legend. Yeah, yeah. The Birdcage is one of the best movies of all time. Huge. Take that, bros. Just kidding.

Well, how about, dude, Guys and Dolls. Isn't he Nathan Detroit in Guys and Dolls? I know he's in the producers. He's in Guys and Dolls as well. Guys and Dolls from like the 50s with Frank Sinatra? Yeah, they did a redo with Nathan Lane. Oh, they did? Yeah.

Guys and Dolls, because he's got that very, I can see what's happening. Yes. Haven't got a clue. Ooh. Wow, now I'm gay. That's all it takes. Let's switch seats. I want some of that.

All right, get in there. I want some of that voice it won't help your career apparently all right we'll talk about that later sorry that was off mic you know if i was straight i would have already won an oscar really i'm teasing speaking of twinks can you hand me a twinkie yeah thank you these are not shaped like twinks wait are those are they pumpkin spice twinkies i don't know know. Hey, by the way, Dan Soda, we tried these for you. They hated them. I thought it was decent.

Dan, no. They're eggs. Too overkill. I like the normal sweet tarts. These are awful. And nerd ropes are great. So don't try and come for nerd ropes and be like sweet tart ropes. Grow up.

Are these pumpkin twinkies? No, I'll tell you right now, but they don't look like it. I don't know. I don't like twinkies. I did try the pumpkin Oreo, and it was very good. Oreo's getting cocky. Oreo's everywhere. It's like, Oreo's

really... What are they doing? I saw mint Oreo. They're like the Pop Heads. Oreos are now like the Pop Heads of flavor. It's just like... Do you know what I'm talking about? Those Pop Heads with every character is like one of those Pop Head action figures. Am I the only nerd here? Okay, sorry. This reference is not hitting. Oh, I know what you're talking about.

It's very Asian. It's like a Japanese thing. Yes, yes, yes. It almost looks like a Hello Kitty, but it's like it could be anything. Like X-Men or like, you know. Those are cute. They are very cute. Yeah.

I've had two fans make me them and I'm very easy to do because I'm just Freddie Mercury's head and Storm's body from the X-Men. Remember we did like a roast battle thing. It never aired it was on Crashing. Why didn't they air that? They didn't air it. No and I'm still credited

for Crashing it was like they took me and Sam out. By the way they said we had to cut you for time I'm like it's HBO

there's no commercials. That's a great point. And then so one of my lines in Mateo was you look like you got Freddie Mercury poisoning. This is when you were skinnier though.

I know. This is before you were skinnier, though. I know. This is before you were Jack. Before I had all my muscle. Now you're shredded. That's a great joke. And you ran those by me, and I was like, these are great. You're going to kill it. I forget what my jokes were.

Do you remember? You had some good ones. You had one about like. I'm not a good roaster. You were good. It was funny. You had something on me about like. It was something like Sam loves basketball, and you can tell because he's tall.

His career is going to end in his 30s, and he's never met his father. That's pretty good. That was a good one. That's a great joke. I think I had one of you. Mateo, what was it? I'm very easy on Rose. Mateo's from Brooklyn, but he spends all his time in Queens.

That was one. Was it fun? That's a good one. I love Rose, but I'm bad at Rose. I'm easy to Rose, and I'm bad at Rose. It was on TV, so I was like, I'll tell you, because you were nervous, I remember, before. And I was like, I'll tell you all my jokes about you. Nothing's mean.

Right. I had a roast that I wrote, because they asked us to write roasts for Pete Holmes. And so my roast that they said, which I still think was funny, and I love Pete. I'm friends with him. But I said, Pete, why does your face look like the third version of the Mrs. Doubtfire mask? I thought that was kind of funny. That's good. Toodle-oo.

I had one they used on him. I think I gave it to Jamie Lee where it was like, you know, Pete's a born-again Christian. Pete, Jesus isn't coming back and neither is your wife. They both got nailed and are in a better place. Oh, God, Sam. That was mine. Yeah. That was a good one.

Man, you got to keep that in your back pocket. Just reuse it? Yeah. For anyone. Twinkies are fucking got to keep that in your back pocket. Just reuse it? Yeah. For anyone, yeah. Twinkies are fucking good. I haven't had one forever. I wonder why they last. Can I have a Twinkie?

I'll try it. I haven't had a Twinkie in so long. What are these we're drinking, by the way, Bill Drew? So today we're drinking kind of like the trendiest cocktail in the last month and a half or so. Spagliato with a splash of Prosecco. A Negroni Spagliato. Do you guys know what that was? That famous?

That was going around? No. Oh, so the girl in Game of Thrones, the new Game of Thrones, House of Dragon, she meant to say Negroni Spagliato, which already has Prosecco in it. So for some reason it took off online.

She was like, my favorite drink is Negroni with Prosecco Spogliato. Like she just said it wrong. And now it's everywhere. Like it just blew up the internet. And like every bar has them because people are asking them. Because of this actress? Yeah.

This is good. It is a pumpkin? I don't think it is. It is. I don't like Twinkies. What? These like went through the Holocaust. Can't they, like, last 10 million years?

They don't go bad. It's like cockroaches and Twinkies. It's Cher. That's how you know it's not good quality food. I know. I know. It's just couch cushion and shit. I was trying to be on my diet, and here I am sitting in front of a bunch of...

I was eight, like... I ate everything in Italy last week. You don't get a diet, dude. No, I did a lot. I was smoking cigarettes, drinking. You smoke cigarettes? Only in Italy. I'm one of those white women it's like it's disgusting and then the second you get there i'm like i'll have a cigarette i was vaping like a motherfucker the other night because i'm out with my agent gab and she just takes a vape out in the bar and i'm just

like i guess i'm just i'm just you're drunk so you're just dragging it all night but is it a nicotine is it a hookah? Oh, okay, but it was like some never satisfying a cigarettes. No, no Cigarette will hit you. Yeah, it's old you guys ever smoke. I've had a few Drinking smoke, you know never yeah, never I was never like I need a cigarette sober. I'll do anything when I'm drunk And we're neighbors no, that's right, that's right don't pick up if i call don't pick up get married oh my god you got married oh yeah thank you unless you got cold feet yeah well we might die down in new orleans you think so well

we're gonna go hard i'm assuming i'm getting there a night early good and i think you're flying out the next morning oh it's gonna be going to be rough. That's going to be real rough. Yeah. That's going to suck. I'm going to try to get a later flight, but I'm going straight to South Carolina. I don't have a lot of options. That's true, but it's not too far. I know, but the options suck.

Yeah. You don't want to drive the six hours either. I don't want to drive ever. No, me neither. You're so New York. I love you. You're such a New Yorker. I can't drive.

Because as someone from Chicago, it's kind of fascinating and exotic in a way to meet someone growing up in Manhattan you have public you have public yes but nothing you were like 13 getting on like the four five six that's crazy to me younger than that I think oh yeah yeah that is why this is disgusting too pumpkin so we got to try pumpkin soda no crack it you need an Nope. I already got Gary Veeder. Same size. That's fucking rough. With the fixins? Hold on.

Y'all get your fixins. Where did you find this shit? Clan Rally? Why? Pumpkin is overrated. I'm going to get sick, you guys. What is this? Pumpkin? It's just sugar. It's the Mc, you guys. What is this? Pumpkin by Lester's Fixing.

It comes out once a year. That's right. That is disgusting. That's not good. You see that place in Cleveland, right by Hilarity's, it sells like 500 of those different flavored things. They have like vomit flavored pumpkins. Like the Harry Potter beans.

Remember like the beans that had all those flavors? Boy, you are a nerd. I am. I have no idea. I wasn't a big Harry Potter fan, but I mean, I just tried watching Lord of the Rings, the new Lord of the Rings, because I'm watching House of the Dragon and Lord of the Rings, and Lord of the Rings was really terribly written. I never watched it.

They spent a billion dollars on this show, and it was a flop. Really? Yeah. It was the new Lord of the Rings. Amazon did a TV series, and it just was terribly paced. Really, Mark? You like it? Give it a little kick.

You're a spongliato. The House of Power was great. Or House of Dragon. Oh, is it good? I loved it. I'm very much in it. I never watched Game of Thrones. Oh, it's fun. It's good. You know what? You're on the road a lot. You should is it good? I loved it. I'm very much a... I never watched Game of Thrones. Oh, it's fun.

It's good. You know what? You're on the road a lot. You should start watching it. I might start, but you know what the problem was? I really started getting pushed to watch it the last season, and every week they were like, you gotta watch it. And then after every episode came out, they're like, it's the biggest piece of shit I've

ever seen. It got way worse towards the end. Just the last few episodes. No, I heard it's great. I gotta watch it. But if you're... Like, we're all... I don't know if anyone travels more than us.

So it's like, if you're on a plane, just watch it because it makes the flights fly by. You know what I was watching again that, like, I'd never finished. So I started from the beginning and I started watching again is Atlanta. It's really good. I never watched Atlanta. Atlanta's great. It's such a good show. Great, right.

Donald Glover's fucking good. Donald Glover, he's great. He's great. He can rap, write, sing. It's like Black Louie. Yeah. Yes. But about music and not comedy.

But it's like that type where it's like one episode could just be like anything. Yeah. I just started watching The Office again. Oh, still good. I love The Office. I got into it during the pandemic. You never watched it before? No.

It was wildly offensive. When you watch it, you're like, whoa, that was a retard joke or that was a gay joke. That was a black joke. They went for it early season and it was nbc the episode where the oscar was gay and then michael was like kissing him i mean even like it's so even as a gay guy i was like oh this is so painful to watch it's so michael is suck but he's like because george costanza i'm obsessed with seinfeld but george gives meita. I get so anxious watching George. But for some reason, Michael doesn't in The Office. It doesn't give me the same kind of.

Yeah, I wonder why that is. Well, it's so over the top. Well, I think the problem with George is you know that Larry David really did a lot of this shit. Whereas with Michael, you're like, well, this is an insane. That's how they get away with, or at least got away with that type of behavior where they're like well this is clearly an imbecile right but that's comedy you should be allowed to make characters like that i do think it's harder to make even like an anti-hero like you couldn't make eastbound and down now you don't think no way no one would make that shit what's the same with all in the family you got a racist he's the center of the whole show and

people are like you can't have that but like he was the punchline he was the butt of it work because like and then you have the over-the-top liberal son-in-law. Right, exactly. Maud. That's where Bea Arthur came by, where it was discovered with Maud. Oh, that's right. She was the sister and she came in

and then they were like, she's so good, they gave her Maud. Yeah, yeah. Same with Frasier. Frasier was a spin-off of Cheers. Oh, that's right, off of Cheers. I never got into Frasier. Frasier's so good.

I never. I think you would like it. It does seem like they're all gay. Oh. Oh, yeah. Just like. It's a very gay Straight show Yeah

I mean it was like Will and Grace Before It's like Will and Grace With no Butt to butt It was high society But it's gay

Will and Grace is also Oh Leslie Jordan Just died Will and Grace I met him once Really He could not have been Any nicer

We did a gay cruise together Which I'll never do A cruise again I absolutely hate What's a gay cruise like Isn't it just a cruise? Literally, you can't even word the out part. Yeah, it was pretty horrible.

Cruising. Cruising, just because... Have you seen that movie with... It's been a while, with Pacino? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So offensive. I got all my gay knowledge. It was that movie.

It was from Cruising? Yeah. This is more fun than Family Thanksgiving. It's going to be by a lot. And I love my family, but this is more fun than family Thanksgiving it's gonna be by a lot and I love my family but this is more fun yeah

Thanksgiving wasn't a big thing for my family well because it was my dad's side of the family my mom's the Italian Mexican side so my dad's side

was just the you know Irish white side and so and I love his family but they're not as many or interesting you know

so all my cousins and I were just like missing each other on thanksgiving because we're like we can't be with each other and then obviously christmas is all italians that was fun but thanksgiving was always like just kind of american food and i'm gonna catch a lot of flack for this i think we should just do chinese food on thanksgiving whoa i love it what the hell you crazy we got the turkey we got the stuffing we got the i don't like turkey and i do not like stuffing i don't like gravy i said it there's a turkey

shortage there's all these turkey problems just get or at least at least dry and bad gobble gobble dry and bad kind of like my last relationship that was my last relationship this thing on but uh at least we'll start it slow we get a side of general so's in there maybe some mooshu a couple egg rolls you're like china you're you're inkling in slowly your troops are at the gates but very like i love chinese food especially and i'm i'm because i get mad at people and they don't know what real italian food is i know i'm the dumb American that has no idea about anything about Chinese cuisine besides what's in Manhattan

there's a style of New York Chinese food very much so Sichuan around in this neighborhood dude pretty good pretty damn good and you have to get

something like General Tso's chicken you have to get in the restaurant otherwise it comes too soft you know when you order it online it comes like mushy mine's in the last relationship

also same don't order it online I know when you order it online? Oh, yeah. It comes like mushy. Mine's in the last relationship. Also same. Yeah, don't order it online. Yeah, I know what you mean. But I'm not a big fan of, I know it's controversial, I'm not a big fan of turkey or gravy. Mashed potatoes I like. Turkey, I like deli turkey. I don't like like.

I'm hanging out with ISIS here. Come on. We gotta have turkey. We gotta have stuff. Green bean casserole. No, not that goddamn green bean casserole I do like the Marshmallow yams On the time

Marshmallow yams Why don't you put these on You fucking eight year old Jesus Christ I like when someone Makes macaroni and cheese Mashed potatoes Okay

Mac and cheese Is overrated too Unless it's got the Get out You've never had Good macaroni and cheese The bread crumb crunch on it I'll give it to you

But if it's just soft. That's white people's macaroni and cheese. Real macaroni and cheese does not have breadcrumbs on top. No one wants breadcrumbs on top of their macaroni and cheese. I want a crunch. Because the cheese is supposed to be so like on top. That's your crunch. Okay, then that's acceptable.

But I think I've had a lot of mediocre mac and cheese. I will take you to a place that's got great mac and cheese. Take me. Yeah, there's restaurants that just do mac and cheese. Smack? That's the one. Smack is all right.

I've never been there. Although, can I say something really, I mean, also controversial? I do still love Kraft. A box of Kraft mac and cheese. It reminds me of college.

Yeah. My friend from Italy, Alessandro, was like, I don't understand why your cheese is orange and powder but it's very good yeah i'm like i know it's not bad you're freezing it you know yeah i like it but i um if i have a cheesy craving in new york it's like pizza every time sure of course of course now what kind of pizza do you guys like best? Because I'm born in Chicago Of a super Italian family

Not living in New York I love Chicago pizza I prefer thin crust I got Chicago pizza with you for the first time We got Giordano's No we did Luminati's Luminati's was good But it's a day ender that type of pizza

You have two slices You want to put a rope around your neck But you're so heavy after that shit It would break the rope You know what I mean? It's terrible Break the rope No it's I mean it's terrible break the rope no it's uh i like uh thin crust cold oven we just went to arturo's last week oh that's me liz

rachel keith robinson and we uh keith we had fun we got arturo's we got uh i love joe's joe's is good joe's for like a late night slice i love uh shit john's we've done john's before john's is good john's on uh i'm ble. I've not gone there yet. Pies only, no slices. Really? That's their thing. I could get down with that. I had a slice on, it's on the Lower East Side. I want to say, it was like another famous place. Chris DiStefano's picture was on the wall.

Really? Yeah, yeah. It's all Dagos, all Guineas. And I was like, oh, there's, of course, Chris DiStefano. I fucking love this pizza. It's so fucking good. It's my favorite. My daughter loves it. I was like, I fucking love this pizza. It's so fucking good. It's my favorite. My daughter loves it. Fucking Titi loves it. Everyone loves it.

Yeah. It's fucking great. I know. Lombardi's. Lombardi's is good. It's good, but it's a little overrated. Best pizza in New York, which is a Naples pizza, is Robalta on 12th Street and Broadway. We went there together. I don't know that one.

And it's on the Broadway. Andrew Santino there, too. Yeah. Only Dave was like, he loved it. He's such a wop. Good pasta there, too. Really good pasta. Yeah, we did it up. We got to go back there, too. Only Diego. He loved it. He's such a wop. Good pasta there, too. Really good pasta. Yeah, we did it up.

We got to go back there, man. What's it called? I want to go. Ribalta. Ribalta. All right. Kitty Corners of the Strand. Oh, all right.

Great. But everyone's from Italy. Even the clients. It's all Italians. Okay, because Joe's is all Mexican now. Have you been to Joe's? Yeah, of course. That was the old Michael J joke.

Remember Michael J had that bit where he's like, I want some authentic pizza brought to me by mexicans yeah yeah that was great being both italian and mexican it's you know what's funny is is like if at restaurants where there's italians and mexicans working with each other or italians and at least latinos is the mix of italian and spanish it's like its own language right because they're so similar and you can hear this like it's like there's so much to do some kind Of documentary. It's literally this made-up language in these restaurants that the Italians and Latinos are oh really Yeah, bind them they combine the languages which is great. This is rib, Alta Okay

This is like they have two types of pizza But like the individual style like the ones above are like a doc is what I get on the right Doc yeah, that looks good Broccoli Rob on a pizza with sausage that sounds pretty nice too they also have great uh meatballs really soft not like you know you have some what did uh martin scorsese's mother say you take some you throw it against the wall the wall cracks yeah um really good dessert they have something called um i didn't realize scorsese's had like five wives by the way. Did you know that? He has? He's had like, I think, maybe at least three. Really?

Also, Dennis Hopper had like five wives. All these guys in Hollywood, you're like- Scorsese kind of shocks me. I just went down a Scorsese rabbit hole the other day on YouTube. Yeah. And he seems like such a family guy. Really? Oh, my God.

In the fucking 70s and 80s, he was like uncontrollable. You know what? Good for him. Hell yeah. How many was he? He married Isabella Rossellini? Yeah, dude. Gorgeous. Beautiful. One, two, three? Good for him. Hell yeah. How many was he? He married Isabella Rossellini? Yeah, dude. Gorgeous.

Beautiful. One, two, three, four, five. Helen Sherman. Not all. He dated Elena Douglas. Oh, yeah. Damn. She's in a few of the movies.

I think he dated or at least slept with Liza Minnelli. I'm not kidding. He did. Oh, no doubt about it. Yeah, he was banging her on a movie he was directing. I think it was New York New York, right? And it was so fun. Maybe.

Or King of Comedy. Wait, so the Mars Capone. That was Sandra Bernhardt. I think they're both in it York and it was so fun maybe or King of Comedy wait so the marscapone that was Sandra Bernhardt I think they're both in it oh maybe you're right you're right that is um it's whipped marscapone

like sweetened I can't describe it but it's fucking it's great oh boy it's really really really good alright love it all tough

is that your favorite dessert marscapone yes in New York City this is my favorite dessert alright well James Corden will hate it. What did he do?

He went to Balthazar, which, by the way, I'm a native New Yorker. I've never been to Balthazar. I went once. It's fine. I went once. It's not great. It's a thing, I think. It's a scene.

I was drunk walking by with a friend the other day, and he's like, we have to go. And I was like, all right, all right. But I hate making forced plans. I also hate waiting in lines, there's always like huge lines around unless you like know somebody or i don't know and the real housewives are there i was there once i saw jared leto he's so hot he looks fucking great he's like 50 or something he's 29 would you jared leto are you fucking kidding me if he was like eat my shit i shit, I'd be like, yeah. You'd eat his poop? No, I wouldn't go that far.

But, you know, I'd at least consider it. I mean, he's hot. That's how you know you're hot. Yeah. When you're like, would you eat my poop? And you're like, give me five. Yeah, it depends on what you eat. Let me call my friends.

Let me consult. All right. Jared Leto? He looks, doesn't he look fabulous? I mean, he looks a little, he's looking a little, like right there. He's getting a little Kristen Stewart. Yeah, holy shit. He's transforming slowly.

I feel like he doesn't have a gender at this point. Right. Like he hasn't picked it. Damn, he's fucking ripped. He's a guy. He's ripped. All right, he's back. Did you guys hear about how he found out about the, like the quarantine and pandemic?

Because he was like doing a retreat in the desert in Nevada or Arizona or somewhere for like three months. Of course. And then came out in the middle of it having heard nothing about it because there's like no cell phone service or whatever it's just like a little cult of shit that he's doing so he came out and he goes you know what i'm not doing this i'm going back in just like retreated back into the desert that sounds like a nightmare yeah a desert like everyone who goes to fucking burning man i'm just like no who, thank you. Who are you? Who are you? No, Mary.

Oh, my God. I was just talking. A girl was messaging me. She's like, I got to tell you all. Let's get a drink. I'll tell you all about Burning Man. I was like, I'll get a drink with you if you promise not to talk. I know.

Because, Sam, that's the most interesting thing that she's done in her life. She wants to tell you about shitting in sand and having sand in her fucking armpit and nose and vagina. If you went to Fyre Festival, I'll listen. Oh. All right? If it's Bernie, man, I don't give a fuck. I'll tell you, I had chlamydia twice one year. They called me Bernie.

All right. Yeah. Stefano had three times. Chlamydia doesn't burn as bad as gonorrhea. Stefano got chlamydia three times in one summer. Oh, he beat me. The summer of Chrissy. Yeah.

Gonorrhea is worse than chlamydia. Oh, yeah. Really? By a long shot. You get some, what do you call it? Discharge. Oily? With the Ghana.

Yeah. It's rough. Yeah. Thanks again for that. Yeah. No problem. You said you needed sugar and one thing led to another. So Jared Leto, who else is like a hot celeb?

Oh, that's a good question. Hot celeb. You know who I used to love back in the day was Eric Bana. Oh, yeah. He's a hot celeb? Oh, that's a good question. Hot celeb. You know who I used to love back in the day was Eric Bana. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's a hot guy. I thought he was fucking hot. Dude, and he's Munich, so he's fucking up. Yeah, he's like a badass Jew, so extra points.

Oh, is he? Oh, have you not seen Munich? I have seen it. I didn't know he was Jewish. That's a great movie. No, no, he's always- I'm thinking of him in Troy. Oh, he's playing a Jew, right.

Type in Eric Bana in Troy. This is when he was like, I was like, I remember being like, he's so hot. Where did he go? He kind of went away. I think he's probably making better films. Yeah, let's see what he's been up to. Oh, yeah, he's a hunk.

Yeah, he's really hot. I mean. He's like a manly or Hugh Jackman. Why were we looking at Brad Pitt in this movie? Oh, just because he can sing? He's fucking Wolverine, dude. Ah, good point, good point. It's enough of, I'm done with good point. It's enough of Wolverine.

I'm done with Wolverine. It's enough. Really? It's enough already. I haven't seen Logan. I hear it's great. It's fun. I don't care about that fucking character.

What do you want him to be doing? More music, man? I want, like, let's get Storm right. They've got, like, seven. Don't. Mark, get out. You are. This is the gay Marvel corner.

This is the gay Marvel corner. Gay dudes love Storm. Why is that? Because she was like a drag queen kind of. She was so over the top. Every time they would use her powers, they'd be like, Storm, can you open the windows? She's like, winds rise and sweep the thorns. She was a sorceress.

She was dramatic. She had the hair. I mean, amazing. I'm so wet. All right. That was a rain joke. But Halle Berry fucked up that character. Why?

Because she was just like. It should have been Angela Bassett. I feel like that's what. That's what everyone says. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Now she's in Wakanda in Black Panther. So now you can't mix it.

You can't mix the worlds. What's his name? Brolin is Thanos and Deadpool, right? Excuse you? Wait wait you're thinking Ryan Reynolds is Deadpool no he's Cable in Deadpool oh

he is yeah he's like the main villain in Deadpool 2 come on well you know what maybe because I can hear the vaginas

drying out there all this nerd talk but all the dicks are going up yeah I guess so alright demographic

well you guys have more men or women men for sure yeah men for sure I think two are probably gay yeah The dicks are going up. Yeah, I guess so. All right. Demographic. Will you guys have more men or women listening? Men for sure. Yeah. Men for sure. I think two are probably gay. Yeah.

They're hosting the show. Get over it. Yeah, my demographic is mostly men. Although on YouTube, it's more women. Really? Interesting. I think it's like cook or something. I don't know.

Yes, yes, yes. My lady will suck up any cooking stuff. Really? Loves to cook. British bake-off, all that shit. Yeah. Obsessed., yes. My lady will suck up any cooking stuff. Really? Loves to cook. British Bake Off, all that shit. Obsessed. Yeah. Obsessed. But yes. The plight of a comedian. You gotta bitch. Bitching's part of the job. I agree. That's, I love

complaining and I hate when you hang out with normal people and they're like, you complain a lot. I'm like, God, I miss comedians. That's New York energy too. It's not just comics. It's New Yorkers. This is how New Yorkers relate to people. You complain for 30 minutes, and then you go, but life's good. Yeah.

That's how we talk to each other. And we get it out. And it's more fun to complain than going, life is great. How great is everything? I hate, there's no sense in being false with one another. You know what I mean? Yes, exactly. Like, we're all like, everything's wonderful and great and grand. It's like, I don't know.

Yeah, well, I've collected a good crew. Just make the bitching somewhat funny. Yeah, everything's wonderful and great and grand. It's like, I don't know. Yeah, well, I've collected a good crew. Just make the bitching somewhat funny. Yeah, that's the key. Because she goes, all you do is complain, and now you have a peeve section on your podcast. You're monetizing your whining. Hell yeah. That's called comedy. I love your mother.

I mean, what do you think Seinfeld and all that? Pat Noswell has that great joke about, he's like, it sucks. I love my wife, which is not really funny. Hey, hey, cuddle time. Love you. Hugs and kisses. You know, it it's not funny yeah playing is funny i might my crew of like my crew of gays are very very funny bitchy mean to each other type of people what gays yeah that's true gays are pretty mean no in a fun way a fun way. In a fun way. In a fun way. New York gays at least are culturally sassy, I think. Yes.

Yeah. I mean, I think just like, you know, we sort of run this town. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, you got Broadway. Got Broadway. We've got all the west side.

Yeah. And it's also funny, like dead of winter, there's still walking around with an iced coffee. That's gays. I'm never a nice coffee me neither i'm always hot because summer i'm still hot same yeah yeah well the gays are interesting because they get labeled as like wussy you know twink boys but they've irish what is that uh hell's kitchen used to be like irish gangs and now it's all gay they won the village ch village Chelsea yeah you got the whole

west side it's impressive the gang stepped back for a sec they're making this area pretty nice yeah exactly fuck the gangs

gang bang let's go all in gang bang what other actors other than um can I throw one out Michael B. Jordan

okay he's a hunk I can't even look at him it's so hot like that kind of face you're like i wouldn't even know what to do if you were in the room with me i would literally jump out a window it's like too good looking um i don't know that's cool when you get a gig where you just have to be in shape so he's just got trainers all day making sure he's ripped for like another creed. Yeah, what am I training for? Pictures, I guess so.

I haven't done those kind of photos in a long time. Now I just do comedy. Ooh, go back to the pics. Oh, come on. I don't feel anything for Helmsworth. Really? Why not? The ladies love him.

I think they're beautiful, but I just, no Harry Styles. No? I'm not into Harry Styles. I think I like what he represents, and I like his music, but as a sexual... Do I want to have sex with Harry Styles? Why is that? I don't.

Because he's a homewrecker? Yeah. Or also with The Rock. I'm not... He's hot. I understand he's hot. Is he basic? Yeah, he's just boring.

I get enough... He doesn't seem interesting. Okay, Brad Pitt, of course. I mean, beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. Idris Elba, yeah. Yes, I could. Okay.

All right. I think Idris Elba's hot. Oh, my God. Look at Michael B. Jordan. I mean, he is like the hot. That's fucking hot. He's got like an eight pack. What is his arm doing on the right?

I know. It's bursting through that sleeve. I mean, it does look a little Photoshopped. I'll be perfectly honest with you. Oh, you would know. Yeah, dude. We all look the same shirtless. It's bursting through that sleeve. I mean, it does look a little Photoshopped. I'll be perfectly honest with you. Ooh, you would know. Yeah, dude, we all look the same shirtless. Come on. Fuck that shit. Whoa, how did he make it in? Paul Rudd? He's like 50-something. Jewish.

Is he? Yeah. Hey, score one for the tribe. I'll tell you, we're alright. He's my number one. Really, Henry? If I was gonna go for a guy, that would be my guy. Really? Top or bottom? Oh, he's gotta be a top. I would be my guy. Top or bottom? Oh, he's got to be a top. I would take the hit. I would check your sources.

Oh. Really? I'm kidding. I have no clue. You are sassy. I have no clue. That was sassy as fuck. Speaking of Game of Thrones, I just hated Aquaman so much I have no respect for him.

Oh, wow. I was watching it at Stav's place one day and we're just watching. I was like, damn, Amber Heard is really hot. Not that wig. She was. I like that red hair. It's kind one day, and we're just watching. I was like, damn, Amber Heard is really hot. Not that wig. She was. I like that red hair. It's kind of sexy. Oh, it was awful.

That wig was worse than that divorce trial. Zac Efron, who fucked up his jaw, almost died, and I think had to get reconstruction surgery. How? And probably got some other filler or something to even out whatever happened, and people just read him for filth. They were like, he fucked up his face. Look at his fucked up plastic surgery face. How did he fuck his jaw up?

He ran into a wall or something and his jaw dislocated. Damn. And then he made some comment about it. He was like, yeah, I almost died, but thanks for making me feel like shit. And I was like, okay, it worked. Interesting. Jason Statham. Yay or nay?

Nay. Nay. He's pretty cool, though. Fine. That's all it took? I don't know. You can do worse. George Clooney, this photo is awful.

Yeah, he's young here, though. This is an awful, awful photo. Really? Well, it looks like one of those, I don't know, Ann Lebowitz, a child gave birth. We're putting it in a flower type photo. What is this picture? It's a weird one. It's a weird photo.

I'm uncomfortable. Robert Downey Jr., I do not think he's attractive. I like the smoking. Okay, you're like a bad boy. Jared Leto, we've discussed it. I said yes. Is he your number one? No, no, no, no, no.

He's number one. He's up there. Probably Michael B. Jordan. I mean, that is... I also... Bradley Cooper's hot, but also, not like, I don't know. Sometimes we're told people are the hottest man ever. I hear that.

Aren't they? I agree. There's a lot of ladies like that, too. Like who? Well, they tell you like, Julia Roberts is so hot. I'm like, she's pretty. She's like a pretty lady. She's very beautiful.

I'm not like, there's no sex appeal with her to me. Really? Yeah. I just think she's like a pretty lady. I wouldn't say you don't want to throw her down and give her the business. I met Johnny Depp. For some reason, I was at Jimmy Kimmel. My friend was working there or something.

When you go in, I went through the back, and he was outside smoking. This must have been a rough time in his life because it was a little heavier than usual. Oh, boy. But when I walked by him, he was smoking, and I thought to myself, that person would be a perfect Johnny Depp imitator. Oh. But they might be a little too unkept, a little doughy. Because I was so used to- You'd be a great Johnny Depp if you weren't so fat.

Can you imagine? Yeah. And it's not even- I'm not using the word fat. It's just I was used to one Johnny Depp and he looked very unkept. And I think it was during his drinking. Sure.

Wow, Amber Heard's not the only one throwing shit. Alright. It was wild when she shot the bat. Anyway, so it was funny that I walked by him. He's very attractive. Like young Johnny Depp is very hot. Insane. Gorgeous. Oh my god. Gorgeous. Ed Wood? Yes. Gorgeous. Ed Wood? Yes.

He gave me Ed Wood. We were all thinking the same thing. Thank you. Good actor. Really seems to care, right? This is kind of a fun list. Is that it? That's the end of the list? Oh, Cho-Cho.

He's good. I don't think I know who John Cho is. Harold and Kumar. He's in a ton of stuff. He's in Columbus. Oh, I know him. Cowboy Bebop live action. Oh. Mm-hmm. I think that guy. He looks good in a ton of stuff he's in columbus cowboy bebop live action oh i think that guy he's handsome i think he's a handsome guy he's handsome ryan gosling cute cute

and fucking great in the nice guys come on leonardo dicaprio is a little i don't quite get it well he's aging out a little bit he as a kid he was well that's gorgeous to't it be funny if he just went the way of brando and just got super fat but was still fucking everyone he might he might go there he could go there he could totally do it he could be like apocalypse now brando and we'd be like yeah whatever so when you're when you're a 22 year old victoria's secret model and you go on a date with johnny depp you know the expiration date like he only dates 20 year olds so you're Leo, you mean. He's only with Leo. Yeah, Leonardo. That's all he dates.

Right. Because then it's like, then he breaks up with them. Once they reach like 26 or 27, it's like done. Yeah. So in my mind, I'm like, do you think like the girls are thinking, well, I'll just go along for the ride. This is kind of a credit. Or like, I'm going to change him and marry him. Probably a little of both.

Or like, I'm going to change him and marry him. Probably a little of both. I think there's a lot of, I get to bang Leo. You know, that's on my resume now. And it's like a comic. You know, with a bad crowd, you're like, I'll get him. There's a lady probably like, I'll get him. You see the comic, a comic you respect bombing before you're like, they don't know how to reach him.

I'll turn it around. Exactly. comic you respect bombing before you're like they don't know how to reach him okay i'll turn it around exactly how do you handle like when like a really bad heckler like not even in a fun way just keeps like kind of fucking up the vibe i i hate it i go nuts and i've been getting that more and more like i'm getting now you do you guys get i'm getting the super fan who's so excited that he's ruining the show yes i just had that and I kicked him out last week and a couple weeks ago in Dallas. Drives me insane. Front row. They're like, I love you.

You're great. I'm a fan. Like, all right, you're ruining me. That's what you get in Texas, honestly, because you get a combo of like the best people and just animals. Like you get Dallas. Houston's another one. Houston.

Dude, they fucking, well, they party in Houston. Oh, yeah. So you get that like, you get that fucking party in Houston. Oh, yeah. So you get that fun guy energy. So part of the crowd is like the best crowd you've ever had. I had one dude, the whole show was like, please just take a picture with me. I'm like, now? I know. And I was like, fuck it.

Just to shut him up. I take my mic. I go down. I take a selfie with him. And then he just keeps going. I was like, god damn it. Yeah, you rewarded bad behavior. I did.

I didn't know what else to do. Because I go to great lengths to not get someone kicked out yes i don't want them to get kicked i do really because i what what bothers me is i'm on stage the my biggest thing i don't mind if someone's like you know like the worst thing to me is if i'm in the middle of a bit and someone's talking at me it fucks up my it's like music it fucks up my rhythm same and then i can't get into the rhythm and then i'm stuttering and now i've lost the rhythm and the connection with the crowd yeah and it's like because this guy won't shut up and i'll say i'm like if you don't stop talking like i know you're i'll give him a warning like hey i'm like i know you're excited to be here but just like i'm letting you know like you're talking it kind

of messes me up blah blah blah and if they keep doing it i'm like you gotta. You're talking. It kind of messes me up. Blah, blah, blah. And if they keep doing it, I'm like, you got to go. I get warnings too, but I really, really don't want. I feel for drunks. I really do. I don't. I've been there. I do not. Well, Mark and I drink more than you.

So I think there's a part of us that's like, we've been that young drunk kid. So I think there's. Then this is where they learn their lesson, how to hold their liquor. Maybe. Otherwise, you're rewarding bad behavior. And the next comedy show they go to, they drink even more. Because I just got the worst message ever. I'm sure you guys hate this message.

Let's hear it. I'm coming to your show in D.C. next week. A bunch of friends and I are going to get- Oh, I thought you were going to say I'm pregnant and it's yours. But, okay. A bunch of friends and I, we're going to get wasted and come to the show. I get that all the time. I hate that.

And I wrote back. I said, okay. I said, just letting you know, they will kick you out if you disrupt the time. I hate that. And I wrote back, I said, okay, I said, just letting you know they will kick you out if you disrupt the show. Yeah. That's what I wrote back. People, there's this weird

misconception that a comedy show is a party. You know, like the Burt Kreischer's of the world. We're all gonna, woo, take our shirts off and, you know, fist pump and do shots.

And that's the after party. That's the after party, yeah. But I have a set. I got a performance. I got to do it for an hour. I think people see the videos. I'll say most of my crowds are very well behaved. It comes out to see me.

I mean, you have some wild people in your crowd. But I also, you have to realize, I record every set and I do a shitload of sets. So people think that, but I just do so many shows. Yeah. So what is that? One out of like 10 shows is a weirdo? Sure. It's nothing.

Maybe even less. And you get the clip. And you get a funny clip to promote shit where I don't have to burn material. But no, I think they're actually, my crowd's really well behaved. We have a similar crowd.

Mine too. Oh, dude, I just did your show and they were awesome. That was so fun. But yeah, I will get that occasional message. People are like, it's my friend's birthday.

Can you roast him? I'm like, no. I don't know anything about roast him. I know. That's like for your close friends. It's a kind of narcissism. It is. It's a real narcissist.

I always say to people when they interrupt shows, like there's 600 people and one person. I, what I, my go-to line, cause we all have go-tos. I'm like, I will point them. I want everyone to see this is what a real narcissist looks like. It's so loaded coming from a person holding a microphone that isn't that shocking how ironic but it's true i said so many people flew here or got babysit well not baby no one has kids in my shows but i'm like you know i'm like the people came from long distances and you came here and thought tonight's about me no one else has behaved this way but for some reason it's okay by me so everyone this is a real narcissist that's good that's good it's a good title for a special though

real narcissist a real narcissist i we at least we get it out in a healthy way that's true we're getting it i guess so i think so it's entertaining and you can kind of shut off and be a person i think that's that's not bad because they do like seeing like like like what's going on behind the curtain oh they love it Once you stop the performance aspect and you get really real. Because for the most part, they really do think we're just talking off the top of our heads. Right. So when you're really getting real, they're like, come on. Some of it's off the top of our heads.

I mean, no one show is the exact same as another show. No. No, no, no, no. Not at all. Ideally, it would be. But, yeah. But also, you know what i kind of like being thrown just a little bit just a little bit it keeps you from going on autopilot yeah yeah

just a hint even you want it to be different i feel like it's bad for your brain to do the same that's true i'm forcing myself now i said i know i have my hour and i'm working to i'm just doing the first 25 minutes are just new material well good for you i just can't and it's the best to do on the road because everyone's excited exactly but i'm like i'm so sick of my jokes i heard a comic once say uh if you have a joke where you say so five years ago but just the next time say four years ago and the time of that say six because it makes you not go on autopilot because you have to remember to change it i heard stories that david tell you i'm sure he still does this but uh he would just he would have a tag that killed and he would just do a

different tag every show yeah people be like you that you have it works why and he's like well i just want to try i mean it makes sense it keeps you present it keeps you looking for more keeps your brain alive it's strange that you're in front of like a thousand people and you're like you're you're fighting with yourself you're like front of like a thousand people and you're like, you're fighting with yourself. You're like, get into it. Like, you know, like if you go on autopilot, you're fighting the autopilot. I know. Do you know what I mean?

Not that it happens often, but the times that it does and you're like, isn't that strange? But we're not Broadway actors. I mean, this isn't a scripted show. I mean, look, there's a script that we break. It's almost like more closer to like a Cur curb episode than it is where you're like, you have, you know where it's going to go and you have lines, but I think you do have to keep trying different things or you'll get bored. Yeah, that's for sure.

I was trying to run my hour in Dallas and it was like, I had six shows and I was like by the fourth show, Caitlin Palufo, who's a fucking amazing comedian. We got to get her on here. We got to get her on. She drinks too. She'd be perfect. Oh yeah. she's the group she's so amazing killer yeah killer and uh and fun to hang with great super fun um yeah we did a gig together a while back and we had a ton of fun oh she's the best she's like the best like an old sailor she'll throw them back yeah parties she um uh but with the last two shows she kills yeah hard follow and it's but it's good though i

like that too i'm like she's murdering right now so good i gotta step up my pussy yeah i gotta get up there and really try but the last two shows was like fuck it i just took out my notebook of the shit that i'm working on at the cellar put it on stage and just did as much as i possibly could and it was like you get off stage and like i feel like i have a soul again yeah it just fills you up so much i know what i do is i do a full 45 50 and then i do a q a and i can tell they're like oh we can we can relax a little because you know i was gonna ask you about that do you just say like ask me any question i go thank you that was the set they applaud and i go you guys have any questions and i say shout out a news story or something yeah i do the same thing i've been doing for a while because i'm just like, I get bored.

And it's a way to scare myself. Like, can I do this? I remember opening for Dave when I would open for a tell. He would bring me up on stage or whoever was opening because he would get bored. I think it was a way to challenge himself and be like, I can make this work. And with news stories, it's a way to be like, all all right i read the news yeah i have an angle on everything i don't have a bit but i always have a way i have an inkling yes where i could go and that's enough it's to guide you and to scare you in a like you know trust that muscle memory like i'm a comic let's fucking think of a joke on the

fly yeah you're on your toes again and i love that and the crowd is so invested a joke on the fly. Yeah, you're on your toes again. And I love that. And the crowd is so invested. They're on the edge of their seat like, oh, what's he going to say? Or what am I going to yell out? I think that too. They're like, should I say this? I should do that. And they're asking their friends like, should I ask this? Should I ask that?

Yeah. You know what it's like? It's like you're a power hitter and the pitcher is throwing the ball all over the place. And there's like a ball over here and a ball over here. But every once you get one right down the fucking pipe and you just destroy it. And you get that extra love because they're're like holy shit spontaneous i just shot a crowd work special but i called the advice special so i did just when is that it should be november 20th so maybe by now but who knows on youtube.com slash mateo lane yeah mateo lane um and it was shot

beautifully we did it at the village underground we did two shows back to back but the first show was like we got on that one you were the second show which i'm gonna do something with also we had fun i had a blast with you you didn't know i knew that much about musicals did you well then i'm like oh you're new york and jewish like of course you do like you know what i mean um but it was it was like kind of like that where i said just ask me give me it ask me a question. I'll give you advice. So instead of me being like, you, you, you, they started shouting.

And of course, it's all gays. So it's not just going to be like, I think my boyfriend's cheating on me. This one guy was like, so I'm sleeping with this guy. And he lives on the floor above me. But he doesn't speak any English. And he told me that he has to stop seeing me because he needs to get closer to his wife. I'm like, this is great. I spent 15 minutes on him.

Yeah, we did Q&A at the end of your show. That was so fun. It is fun to do that because it's like. It is testing our skills in a way. Yeah, like am I actually funny or can I just write some stuff? And it's fun. But I think you get into this because you're naturally funny. But there's two types of comedians.

There's comics who are like in their head. kind of writer types and there's people who are just like on all the time right right you know and then there's some people who have a little bit of both glassman rick glassman shout out rick glassman i think my i always like because i can't i know like do you go to coffee shops and write no I used to all the time I don't have a fucking free minute anymore I know it's crazy you need to rest

really yes because you and I are going through the same thing and he texted me I'm exhausted I said same don't put in

at the cellar come home and do nothing for two days two days to do nothing two days oh that's crazy I have to come on

well you go to the gym and have sex oh okay yeah i should do that i should do both those things you should i the way i grew up with all my cousins and stuff everyone is very witty it's very one-uppy like everyone one-ups each other here mark take mine because i'm not gonna drink and um uh so i realized like your family's very cool they're yeah they love they're obsessed with we We met in Chicago and they're so,

they're so nice and warm. And they're very funny and I think now I'm like, oh, when I'm on stage, I write the best because it's like the same sort of bouncing off energy.

Yeah. So that I need an audience in order to write. Interesting. Yeah, I've gotten so many, not so many, I've probably got like five bits

out of the riffing. It's good. It's good for you. Did I make this too serious about comedy no I love it hey man we go up and down with this all right I think this pod it's great best stand-up so hell yeah talk to you guys dude I love I love watching you because you're always doing new shit so I'm pumped to see the special this is it's the my special that I'm hopefully gonna make in January who God knows what's gonna happen with it

but um my hours I'm very excited about my hour. But the crowd work special, it was like I was really, I had a fucking blast. Yes. It was amazing. Amazing. I can't wait. Those are fun. And those do better.

People like those better, I think, than written stand-up. Yeah, I think so, too. It's like freestyle rap versus like an album. They're like, holy shit, they came up off the top of their dome there. It's like, it's kind of cool oh yeah it's like a bar fight versus you know a boxing match what is it mma mma mma yes what do you have any peeves lately is anything bugging you a lot lately um i'm traveling a lot and i i hate sick people on planes. I was just flying back from Italy. It's probably me too. Because it's like, it makes me so, this woman next to me on the plane was coughing like she should be in the ICU.

Really? That's the worst. I mean, literally. And she did have a mask, but I kept putting that air thing to like, to blow, like to defend myself. Just the noise is. But also too, it's like, you knew, she was like sick. Yeah.

I was like, bitch, you knew you were this sick and you got on an eight and a half hour flight? This is how Ebola started. I know. And then you could hear the gurgle. There's that phlegmy. That's when you know

they're really sick when it's like wet. Yeah. That'd be a great, just be a short sketch. You're just sitting there kind of reading a paper and the person just like,

ugh, ugh. They just die next to you. I do the thing. I give the gay look of disapproval. Yeah. So every time she coughs. I do the thing. I give the gay look of disapproval. So every time she coughs, I do the... Because I wanted to know she made a mistake.

She shouldn't have done that. I was so mad. No, I do get annoyed. Sick people in planes. I was pretty sick in a flight recently. I was really sick coming back, but I was like, I don't want to make that noise. I was like fighting to not... Did you wear a mask? I had a mask on. I didn't have COVID, like, I don't want to make that noise. I was like fighting to not.

Did you wear a mask? I had a mask. Yeah. I didn't have COVID, but I was just, I just don't want to get people sick. Sure, sure. I was, I just had a really bad upper respiratory infection. I was sick as fuck. And I'm just like, just wear the mask just to not get people sick.

I had an allergic reaction. I ate an octopus in Spain once years ago. And it, is that gay code? Honestly, that's the straightest thing I could have ever said. That I had octopus in Spain. This is like one of Hemingway's early works. Yeah, right. It was 1874.

I had octopi in Spain. In the Liberian. And it caused a rash all over my body. I had a really bad reaction and the girl next to me like kept like going like that like I was gonna give her leprosy or something. I'm like bitch is this an allergic reaction? I looked like a freak.

I mean I looked like people were like oh like flight attendants were scared of me. Yeah well the coughing in the words of Theo Vaughn since COVID coughing is the new N word. You know like when someone coughs you you're like, whoa, whoa, what the fuck? But if a black person does it, I'm like, it's okay. You made it cool.

No, it is definitely, the coughing does make me uncomfortable, but I also realize I'm like, part of that's the media. I'm programmed to feel that way now because of how much I've watched with sickness but i hate i just don't want to get sick i know i don't because i'll perform sick but it is it to do what we do sick like thank god i'm a low energy comic i'm in phoenix sick as a motherfucker my agent's like can you go on and i was like if i were sebastian the answer would be no but because i'm like this is my energy yeah and I talk like this on stage, I'm going to tough it out. You'll Lavelle Crawford it. You got the rag. Whitney Houston.

She's always at the top of her wig is sopping wet. I wish my hotel had a tub. Oh, my God. Whitney. That new movie was horrible. You loved Whitney. She was amazing. It was pipes.

Whitney was just. Anna Hott. And you're a big Mariah person. I'm a big Mariah person. I've had a tempestuous relationship with her in the past. Why is that? Well, I used to make a bunch of jokes about Mariah, and I don't make them anymore. Uh-oh.

I publicly apologize. I was an angry young homosexual. And, you know, the more you're in this business, the more you get it. Yeah. I see. I get it yeah i see you're so not i mean we all go through like phases of anger but you're such a chill guy you're so you don't you don't strike me as an angry person no no i don't get angry unless i'm unless i'm arguing with someone about like pasta or something like some stupid arbitrary but yeah with mariah

you get a rabbiata i'd be out there yeah i, isn't that angry? I do get angry, yeah. Bravo. That's the type of pasta. Oh. Wait, what? Arrabbiata. Arrabbiata, yeah. I'm confused.

Well, it means angry, but they call pasta arrabbiata when it's like spicy pasta. Oh, interesting. I think it's calabrese, like a bunch of spices in it. Mmm. But yeah. All right. Are you seeing someone now or no? No, I had a thing with this guy who i really liked and we're

supposed to friends but like it was almost five months of talking every single day and then we had a great vacation with each other and i i said i brought up i was like hey like should we do long distance and he and rightfully so in his own right he was like i just can't i can't do long distance and i was kind of gut punched because i was like, oh, but like what we were working towards. You know what I mean? And honestly, whoever dates any of us has to do with long distance. You got that right. Because we're not home.

No. Anyone who wants to be with me is a red flag. I agree. Yeah. Same. Hey, what the hell? But I know what you mean. That's why the road is great because like my lady gets it, obviously.

But it's a built-in relationship saver. Like, I go on the road for three days. It's the perfect amount of time where you start to miss him again. You come back. You're excited. Then when you get annoyed, you leave again. Yeah. It's perfect for a relationship.

I don't know. I really like this guy. I liked him a lot, but it just does not- Are you still talking to him? Like, less. I mean, I basically was like- Where does he live in? Oh, boy. He lives far enough. America? Yeah, he lives in America. Oh, okay. It mean, I basically was like... Where does he live in? He lives far enough.

America? Yeah, he lives in America. It's shocking for me. Usually, my boyfriends are looking for a green card. My girlfriend lives in Canada. How's he packing? How's the noodle? Is it rigatoni or angel hair?

It was a nice manicotti. He was great. He was a great guy. But I get it. get it he couldn't do it so it's hard to date i feel it's hard i feel slightly more isolated than i don't we're so busy that just giving up a night i'm like i'm like this this girl better be cool as fuck if i'm not doing seller spots i get this more and more as women will like uh they'll be like i can't do before nine i mean after not after nine right so i'm like well i want to do at least one spot just in case this date sucks exactly you know and then they're like already he's choosing his job i'm like you're damn right yeah what the hell yeah

it will be the never-ending the the unwinnable war of trying to date a comedian to see if they can overcome dinner is a sign of stability to women yeah and dinner a show a movie a play i mean it's all i'll do dinner but why can't we do like a 9 30 dinner uh yeah that's not too much you know what i mean like new york and guess what i'll breakfast and lunch the shit out of you you got that right but like dinner it's tough for us i'll do it some nights but like oh man i'm i'm gone so much on the road that when I'm here, I really do want to go up at the cellar. Yeah, but here's why I'm a cunt. You would never go, hey, I'll meet you at 1130 a.m.

Well, I'm at work. Well, hey, bitch, I'm at work at nine. That's a great point. I said the exact thing to a woman recently. She goes, I'm always working around your schedule. I say, well, the fact that you're saying that just shows you'll never accept my lifestyle. But it's also about they don't respect they don't actually respect what we do if they if you would never say to a doctor I'm always working around your schedule obviously doctor saves lives. We're not saving lives

And I'm just saying it's a respect towards a job. You're saying to me. You think what I'm doing is not it's just fun Sing it sister. You don't think I don't take a night off because that it's a slippery slope You get me take this right any night, and I'll take any night off. And it's like shit I was fighting with for years, where people were like, well, I can't do this. It's a routine. I have to do it every night, or I won't. Once you break it for anything, you'll break it for everything.

And then you break it more and more and more. Yeah, exactly. I have been taking off, because I'm home for three days, and my body is- Health reasons for recharging, because the road is the truth. So that's where... But a date isn't recharging. No, you're right. A date is work.

The road is where we make our money and where we find our new jokes because it's hard in the shorter sets in the city, but it is a routine thing. Oh, yeah. I'm home all December, so I'll be putting in spots every night. Yeah. I'll be putting in spots, but that's a healthy way. I was trying to do the road, then come back and do spots, and my body physically

cannot take it. Really? I just can't take it. Certain performances. We go to the gym how many of those days a week, too? Yeah. Listen, I... That's different.

But no, I mean, that's also being physically healthy also helps me on stage. Like, I have to eat healthy. Tell me about it, dude. I exert a lot of... Some comics... Give me a cookie. Yeah, I know. Those me about it, dude. I exert a lot of... Some comics... Give me a cookie. Yeah, I know. Those Oreo cookies are pretty good.

But I do exert a lot of energy on stage, and I kind of come off collapsed in a way. I get that. I get that, yeah. And then I drink on the road, so that doesn't help. Then you get... How do you...

First of all, how do you maintain a great body and also drink on the road and have enough energy to, like... It's not easy, but I don't eat bread, and that really helped me. Okay. You eat a lot of bread. I eat a lot of bread.

I don't eat bread. I've watched you eat bread. Have you? This is fucking delightful. Sam, what are you eating? I don't know. This is like a pumpkin cupcake. Well, where'd you get that thing?

Pumpkin cupcake. Whoa. Uh-oh. Is it because... Let me try it. I just want to bite. I don't... This is solid. cupcake this is whoa uh-oh is it because let me try it i just want to bite the arm i don't oh this is solid god damn there's cream in the middle too

oh hostess it's i'm just so sick of pumpkin this i blame white women it's whitey oh yeah that's solid it's dry as hell yeah it's so pretty that was my ex right i did not that was not good you don't like this no that was really good actually these are solid that was the worst one i have oh i like this one a little cream cheese frosting or something on there right but yeah see i thought that was the fun part about being gay is you could just, you want a relationship. I don't know why. Right now, I'm so career focused. Better. Better than this.

Oh, yeah. I don't know what I tell you. I do not know what I want. Right now, I'm so career focused because I'm on a nice little momentum. Momentum. So, I don't know. I'm kind of just like throwing caution to the wind. The career, weirdly, everyone's like, comedy is such an unstable pursuit pursuit but it's the only thing that's ever been stable in my life same you

know i mean uh in that in that regard so you're like yes and no i mean it's it's with the only thing that matters in comedy are your jokes and other comedians i've decided yeah nothing else matters right like our what i'm doing on stage, is this good? Yes. Right? So the audience is included in that. And then my relationship with other comics. Everything else is like, yeah, who cares? And when the jokes are good and your relationship is good and you're sane, the career gets better. That's right. So, but the hard, here's what annoys me, and this is where I'm going to get shit online.

But like a lot of these. A lot of these ladies are like, hey, you know, you don't take off. What the hell hell you can't give me a night and you're like well look i'll hang out with you but what uh are you gonna be fun like if you hang out with her are you still shucking jiving well that's that's a hard mentality to go into it when you're when you're like well you better bring it if i'm taking a night off but i definitely think that way but you're gonna bring it yeah i always bring it if I'm taking a night off, but I definitely think that way. But you're going to bring it. Yeah, I always bring it.

I think we always do it like, okay, I'll do what normal people do. And then 45 minutes in, you're like, how do they do it? So true. I miss Keith Robinson. Come to this party, and you're just like, no. You're like, bar, bar, bar. Never a party. I want a table with comics chatting.

We're friends with our coworkers, and that makes life so easy. I'm literally excited to go to work every day. Right. You check the lineup. Ooh, who am I hanging out with tonight? Yes, exactly. I just am at the table. Sometimes you're like, oh, God.

Oh, yeah. No, don't get me wrong. Some of those are rough. But you just sit at the table. Someone you love sits down. You're like, oh, this is so easy. Keith sits down. My heart just swells.

Yeah. I mean, I know we're going to. His new material is fucking incredible. Keith Robinson. He's so good. He's so good. I married him. We were dating during the pandemic.

It was like him, me, Liz, and Jose. We saw each other every single day. Made dinners at the cellar. He's a new bit about taking a Viagra as his flight lamp he's pissed drunk he knows he has a second stroke coming but he's about to get laid so he ignores this is the second time he's ignored a stroke wow you think he'd know better he goes and fucks this woman is tells this whole story but the only part of his body that's working is his dick he's walking to this woman like it's the night of the living dead and he still fucks her and it's like dude you had a second stroke that's amazing he did it for sex and then he ends up basically by being

like i don't want to give away too much but the gist of it is like don't you ever tell us that you think you like sex as much as men yeah i mean it's like you're like jesus keith he said something we were at dinner together and he said something so offensive. And I just looked at him and said, Keith, God has smited you so many times. And he's still going. And he's just. That's the beauty of it. He just keeps saying fucked up shit.

I remember immediately after the Me Too thing, he defended Cosby. Like kidding, obviously. Come on, Keith. But he's defending Cosby on stage and it's killing. I'm like, that's how you know the joke is fucking hilarious. a guy goes up there goes like oh come on he's a real guy he always goes against the grain during the height of blm he was like i look at black people like fire exits there's one over there that's a great joke well he likes to sort of like see he gets excitement it's like a science experiment if i add this chemical to that chemical, what's the reaction

I'm going to get? Right, right. That's where his jokes He's poking you, but it's never maliciously. No, that's the thing. That's the beauty of it. You can tell with Keith.

Some people you meet, you're like, oh, there's like, you ever talk to someone and like, you can just tell talking to them like there's a dark side. Oh, yeah.

Like real thinly veiled. Like there's a, with Keith, he can say the most horrible shit, but you do see very clearly, like, Keith has a great heart. Yes. And he's a good father.

Very good father. And he's a questionable partner. But he's a great father. And he's a hilarious guy. And he's supportive of comics. He is. I remember auditioning at the comic strip many years ago, doing that dumb late night thing.

They got judges. They got comics. Judges? It was awful. They tried doing America's Got Talent type thing. Girl. The type girl judges oh i was furious paula abdul uh it was all brutal and then we uh i remember going on and uh a lot of comics were kind of dicks to me but keith was like nah that was good he was like the only the only guy and he was the only guy on the fucking panel who i respected so yeah it meant a lot but i was like holy shit and uh harrison by the way is a great gig in vegas what's he doing he's killing he's doing

magic and hosting i'm like that is good for him good for harrison you have to live in vegas some people like some people like vegas i don't i mean i want i haven't asked harrison when he thinks of vegas but i asked him how he thinks of Vegas. I hate Vegas. Oh, really? I don't think he likes it. I absolutely fucking hate it. Vegas is terrible.

Hate it. I'll be there at the Mirage late January. Terrible place. Two shows. I like the part of Vegas that's not the strip. Do you know what I'm talking about? You're in normal Vegas. It's like, oh, it's cool.

You're just hanging out. There's good restaurants and stuff. But it's that strip life. Yes. That in normal vegas it's like oh it's cool like you're just hanging out there's good restaurants and stuff but it's that strip life yeah that is the word it's like soul you get there and you're like yeah god like i just it's awful i grew up in new orleans that's like real real big like what's culture there's food there's music there's architecture then vegas is just they should be a bigger bachelor party destination than new orleans because you have casinos too but you say new or Orleans should be bigger that's what I'm saying oh yeah I'm sorry yeah yeah New Orleans you have Harris right yeah we got you can't bullshit in New Orleans yeah you can bullshit in Vegas you can act a fool and bullshit New Orleans is not

gonna put up with that no you'll get jumped or something people leaving Vegas look like they just got the shit kicked out they look like people going into Vegas even if you won you look like they just got the shit kicked out of them. They look like the people going into Vegas. Even if you won, you look like you got the shit kicked out of you. Yeah. Yeah. Well, the flight there and the flight out is very different. The flight there, the plane lands, everybody claps. They've been drinking Jack and Cokes the whole flight.

And then the flight out is like, I'm getting a divorce. There's paramedics waiting for you. Yeah. Give me a coffee. But the saddest thing is to see a woman in her early hundreds with an oxygen tank smoking a cigarette. It's ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Right.

And you're like, God, the indignity. I know. It just makes me like, ugh. Social Security check. New Orleans, there's music, there's food, there's life. It's a party. It's amazing. The house and your body has gone against you.

Yeah, yeah. Terrible. Oh, yeah. It's bad news. Yeah. But we know it's sadder than Vegas. Reno. against you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Terrible. Oh, yeah. It's bad news. Yeah. But we know it's sadder than Vegas. Reno. Thank you.

Oh, I had to do... Two weeks there, I remember. Two weeks? Yeah. Where were you? That's a six. Silver Legacy. Okay.

Where they shot the last scene in Casino, by the way. Oh, not Casino. Kingpin, rather. Oh, well, that makes more sense. They shot the last thing in Kingpin. That's where they did the championship for bowling. Oh, bowling? Yeah. I had to do Lake Tahoe. Oh, that makes more sense. They shot the last thing in Kingpin. That's where they did the championship for bowling.

I had to do Lake Tahoe. Oh, that's different. Lake Tahoe is much nicer than Ring. It was the dead of winter, and it was Lake Tahoe, and it was some casino, like a casino gig. I mean, just like I felt like the shining. And I just wanted to get out. I was like, oh, I just want to kill myself. The only thing I could watch, the only thing on TV was the Harry Potter marathon. I was like, I guess I'll watch Harry Potter.

I don't even like it that much. There's entertainment that has saved my life on the road. Oh, dude. Tell me about it. There's shit that's been on TV. Video games. Video games is good. I remember when we were on the road.

We were both in Dayton, Ohio at the same time. Mateo brings his N64. We're playing Mario Kart. This motherfucker is incredible at it. I am so good at Mario Kart. It's so annoying. You don't lose. Never.

And we did it on the tour bus with Aziz. Remember that shit? I always win. Yoshi. And watching. Lorsi. I usually pick Tanuki Mario. Oh, okay.

I don't even know what that is. He's got the raccoon outfit on. Oh, the raccoon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And when we were open for a Z's together, Phil Hanley, I never saw Phil, because Phil is always very chill. Put together. He was losing his mind.

His last words, screaming, I was in the mix. I was in the mix. I could have been a contender and him and Will Sylvain's I mean the two of them playing and yelling at each other comedy gold dude that's a web series comics playing video games and trash talk we do a patreon in here where we play video games that's all my god yeah we showed her in here bitch yeah all these guys these guys. That would be great. Let's get an N64.

Let's get a fucking PS. Perfect Dark. Or no. Goldeneye. Double seven. And get the original controllers. But you have to find the right TV because I just bought an N64. You're annoyingly good at every video game.

You're one of those dudes. We got to brush up. I need a N64 man. Let's get Madden. Let's see how he fucking holds up. I used to like Madden. Oh okay. What about NBA Jam? Madden 64 was good. Okay. Because fucking holds up. I used to like Madden. Okay. Madden 64 was good.

Okay. Because you could like, it wasn't just like football. You could like fight each other. Wayne Gretzky 3D hockey? Pack it. All right. Finally, it wasn't the beer juice that it was. Goldeneye, though.

Oh, my God. No odd job. No odd job. And no proximity mine, either. god No odd job Childhood No odd job And no proximity mine either What was odd job thing He was too short Too short so you'd miss him Yeah

Damn GoldenEye was Kind of revolutionary I would play Oh I'm I could nerd out about this A lot Yeah

Yeah yeah yeah I love your nerdy tendencies man All I do is play video games Fortnite Wow And you play with like Yamanek We gotta get Yamanek Yamanek is so She'll be in the tournament I love your nerdy tendencies, man. All I do is play video games. Fortnite. And you play with Yamanika. We got to get Yaman. Yaman is so fucking funny.

We were playing Fortnite. Her new shit's so funny. I watched it the other night. Yaman is the best comedian in the country. She's a hilarious comic. I'm just putting it out there right now. I love her, dude. She's killing it. She's literally the best comedian I've ever seen.

Yamanika Saunders, followers. She's so funny. Kill her. She says shit when you're playing Fortnite. I mean, now, don't get it wrong. Her and I fight like cat and dogs. We scream at each other. But there were times in the pandemic, because we played every single day with each other

for a year and a half. And I mean, when I say we were laughing with tears, Yamanika playing Fortnite is one of the funniest fucking things ever. But that is how I survived. Before I was putting shit up online and all that other stuff i was kind of tanking yeah and the only way i could pay rent during the pandemic was twitch what i would play video games and do like six hour shows and it was kind of great i wrote a ton of material wow that's not relatable um i wrote a ton of material and it was like you

gotta hear my new tanuki mario chunk yeah right can you imagine i mean that's really not relatable tanuki mario i mean i think it's a new heart when you when you click on him again tanuki but um i'm so good at voices oh thank you how much voiceover do you do um not as much as you would think i did a cartoon show once and i played like an evil villain um i was this close to making it and luca pixar's luca for the villain they flew me to pixar i met with the director he's from italy we spoke in italian the whole time i did the audition and it went to the one other person and then who was cut to a year later i'm having lunch with my friend salverio in rome who's a comedian in rome and he goes yeah i just did the voice for you know i said salverio i was who's a comedian in Rome and he goes, yeah, I just did the voice for, you know,

I said, Salverio, I was the other person. He's like, oh my God, Mattia, I don't want to play today. I'm not dying yet.

Then you hit him with a red shell. I did. Say the talented Mr. Ripley just beat him and throw him off a boat. I don't know what happened to him. I do like doing voices.

I do a lot of like women voices and stuff like, I mean, because Evan Williams is my best friend. He does all like the male impressions. Yeah. You got to pull up Evan Williams on TikTok doing.

It's so funny. You got to pull up Evan Williams doing like. What are the best ones on TikTok? I could just call him. No, no, no. But we have like. We want to show one of his clips on TikTok where he's doing like Guy Ritchie or any of the shit he does.

You'll send me these clips. I send them all the time. I love Evan. Here, I'm just going to. I'm going to call him and make him do impressions. Oh, great. Will that come through, Matt? Yeah, yeah. I do this all the time.

I call my friend Nick all the time. But get him on... Evan Williams. Oh, my God. I'm going to... Oh, no. Pull this one up. We got him here.

Oh, this guy. Yeah, I've seen him. You've seen him? Restart it, Matt. It's the GTA and the Guy Ritchie movie. Every Guy Ritchie movie, Evan Williams. Now, I do the perfect Evan Williams. restart oh this guy yeah I've seen him you've seen him restart it Matt and just every every Guy Ritchie movie Evan Williams now I do the perfect

Evan Williams oh okay I'll show you I'll show you we gotta hear him first alright well sideways Susan naps the cash

you know what boss Big John who's Big John I'm Big John that's Big John been a recruit for five months where have you been I never met Big John. That's Big John. Been in the crew for five months. Where have you been? I never met Big John.

I drove you here. He's the one that drove you here. Can I use the bathroom? He's the dumbest lot I've worked with. Wow. He's so good. Get on as a guy who likes Guy Ritchie movies. He's done other shit.

What are the best ones he's done? He does really good GTA ones. Why is there a car burning outside? I grabbed his car and I crashed it and it started burning and then I walked in here. I never played GTA.

Really? Nah, I never got into it. Really? I stopped after Tetris. Here's Evan. Hold on. Here we go. Evan, you're on with Sam Morrell and Mark Norman. We'd want you to do a bunch of impressions. Wow. Okay.

So what is... What's up, guys? Hey, we're big fans, and give us the hits, baby. Yeah, what are some impressions you do? It's never too early to play holiday music, and it's never too early to start thinking about gifts, whether it's just for a friend or the friends of your pants. It's your penis and your balls.

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I'm walking outside. I don't know how good the audio is going to be. No, it's perfect. Jesus Christ, Evan. I'm right. I'm right. I'm right. I mean, a little Jason Statham.

Hey. I was in the movie Snatch. It's when it's not stuck in two small holes. Get on. One man, one desire. Pablo Francisco has a cocaine problem. Damn. One more.

One more. One more. Skeletor. Skeletor. Skeletor Skeletor yeah wow alright one more

one more one more one more one more figure it out sorry I don't know dude I'm thinking

I'm thinking you know yeah Christians with it's all very that's really man I don't know we put you on the spot we put you on the spot we love you evan we're promoting you we love you evan check him out on instagram and tiktok his tiktok is so good wait scroll down so i do a perfect evan williams so you'll see that one mateo does evan sketches and i just do all of his Whoa. Turn up the V.

What you do is so easy. Yes, it is. Just showing off his biceps here. Huge. You wouldn't be able to do what you wanted to. Did you ever see his Mad Lib things? No. They're great.

I'm going to hang my partner. This is all Evan Williams shit. By the way, he directs everything, writes everything. Yeah, yeah. We can turn me off. I'm so mad. No, it's fucking incredible what he does. I love it.

Hi, Howard. I got four stars. You got me? You're going to have a lot of fucking money. I hate you that's great and he just came out I'm teasing I'm joking he's not gay

he's hot he's a hot guy he's so hot in every game oh my god I can tell he directed it because the last shot was him like this

shredded showing off the veins in his arms he's got the guns for sure He's so hot in every game. Oh, my God. I can tell he directed it because the last shot was him like this, shredded, showing off the veins in his arms. He's got the guns for sure. That's so funny. His meds are hilarious. No, dude, he's excellent. I mean, he's- And a good comic.

Yeah, he is. A really good comic. Does he do the road with you at all? We do. We just did that cafeteria together. Oh, quick break. No, I- Okay, I'm not going to say the name. okay, I'm not going to say the name.

No, I'm not going to say the name of the club. It's a legendary club. And I get there and they go, oh, this is our temporary club. I go, excuse me? And they go, yeah. I walk in, it's a cafeteria. What? And they didn't tell me or my agent or my tour agent.

I was losing it. Did you get the cafeteria food? Oh, yeah. Remember? I called you in a panic. I was like, Sam, get the did you get the cafeteria food oh yeah remember I called you in a panic I was like Sam am I being a diva or is this incredibly rude

cause I sold out on the show am I being a diva or is performing in the cafeteria shitty and not telling me yeah can you imagine though

I'm like I can't even believe I should have walked out but everyone paid for the tickets comedians are so much more low maintenance than any can you imagine can you imagine if like

a singer was like you're in like you're in a you're in a cafeteria yeah you're at the DMV tonight although they probably get similar shit honestly maybe

probably nah I don't know I don't know if you're starting out as a musician it's gotta be pretty rough yeah I guess that's true although you're not

starting out you've been you sold a shitload of tickets yeah exactly so did your fans show up to it oh yeah it was sold out I rose to the place

every show spent like 20 minutes did you get your sloppy joes yeah here's your sloppy joe was it hard with the school bell going on kids moving running around everyone's like keep it down i did a cafeteria once me too at a college yeah me too university of delaware oh damn tommy pucciani who's now a fucking agent he's's an agent now at William Morris. He reps like Phil and Joe List. A lot of comics we're friends with. Oh, yeah.

He was a University of Delaware kid and he booked me. That's how long ago it was. He saw me open for Jim Florentine in like 2010. Wow. Comics. And he was like,

I got to get you in my school. So he's at William Morris. I'm like, oh, he's like a legit fan. He really is. But he booked me and I brought Chris DiStefano with me. To open? Yeah.

We performed in a fucking cafeteria. And Chris is playing Bieber the whole fucking ride. I want to kill him. I fucking love him. I think he's great. Isn't it funny thinking about back in the day? I moved to New York 10 years ago. Exactly.

10 years ago. September 2012. And it's just so funny. All the open mics were like you you michelle wolf yeah michael chay michael chay like all these but you you rose up quick i feel like you you had a talent you had a an it you could sing you were confident you were comfortable on stage i will say when you're a good performer you can make up for other shortcomings early on and then the rest comes together. That's right. It was a quick rise because I was different in doing it.

But then it was like I had to play catch up. I had to really learn how to write jokes and be taken seriously. And so there was a big dip. And I just spent all that time writing and writing and writing and writing and writing. And then it slowly, you know, I've always just kind of okay. And then the last year, I just started putting everything online. And then it just erupted. Sure.

How long did I tell you to fucking do that for? You know what? It came at the right... Everything happens at the right time. Because I had this hour a year ago that I was trying to sell to streamers. And everyone said no. And so then Schultz was like, just cut it up and put it online. And then a year later, I've done that.

And it's like, like okay doing the beacon there you go wow really sold it out whoa when is it march 2nd love it dude excited jesus congrats man thanks but i still can't sell a special uh well it's okay well why do you want to sell a special to sell tickets that's right that's right that's right so good good for you for taking the dip and like working on the act and getting it getting it good getting good at comedy and because a lot of people will just go off and that's short money it is short money and i do think too like i really like being a comedian and and i never pull the gay card but there is a i'm doing a it's a little bit of a battle to be taken seriously because i think people think, well, he's talking about being gay.

This is a he's it's a clutch or whatever. You know what I mean? Like he's using this. But like I have to really balance your life. Right. I have to balance. Like I also date and I, you know, like, so how do I describe my perspective? I think that people do it similarly with women when they dismiss them as dirty.

And I'm like, no one says that shit about men. That's true. I do think I do. People do it similarly with women when they dismiss them as dirty. And I'm like, no one says that shit about men. That's right. That's true. I do think. That's true. I mean, if they're criticizing you for being gay, it's like, well, that's your fucking life. Right.

Well, you get both. I mean, a recent criticism was, you know, we want to hear more about your personal life and not about arbitrary things. And I'm like, but I also and it's just such a weird balance that a lot of people don't. I think women have to go through. just such a weird balance that a lot of people don't that i think women have to go through anyone who's sort of marginalized kind of has to sort of figure out like yeah how do i how do i do this in a way that i'm getting respect and also showing that i'm a good writer it's it's it's still challenging yeah but but it should be challenging it is and i enjoy the challenge and i and i you know recently was offered a tv role and i said no to it because it would have I would had to cancel my entire tour. And what was the role?

It was, you know, like a gay character. And it was a fantastic role and show. But I said, you know, I was like, I take stand up really seriously. Like, I don't look at like the TV thing is more important. And then I'll get the state like I do view stand-up in my mind just as important as anything else so to me i was like i bet you're making more money on the road than you are from the show that's what i mean so it's kind of like it's less i bought this new hair it looks great well this is this is this is my old hair the new hair hasn't come in yet but this is a sculpture

michelangelo would blush at and uh but you, the hair has taken a while to come out. No. My hair. I came out way earlier than my hair. I did not take me four months to come out. So wait. What's it going to be like? Because it looks full right now.

Okay. So right now I have it pulled forward. And then I have to straighten it because I have really curly hair. You have curly hair? Exactly like Mark's. Really? It's the exact same. Yeah, my hair is exactly like Mark's. Really? It's the exact same. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That pie's on. But once it grows out, I'll show you. But I have a really bad widow's, like really pulled back, and I was losing my hair. A widow's what? The pallet power alleys. Is that a widow's peak? Is that for hair? The widow's peak is in the front.

But it comes down like this. Oh, I see what you're saying. And the crown, too. And so I just kind of master. I use a topic spray and hairspray but then it's like avoiding wind avoiding pools avoiding any the rain you know anything oh my god just horrified i just don't see you till april right i'm good so then i found a really good doctor in new york and um i went to him and he he uh he asked a bunch of questions i'm writing all these bits about it now but but one of his questions was, he goes,

was there balding in your family? I said, no. He was like, your dad? Nope. He's your brother? Yeah. Balding? Nope.

He goes, what about your mom's dad? And I said, he was a Mexican with a one-inch forehead. Like my grandpa, Mexican grandpa's hairline started there. He's got a two head. Literally. So, you know, but I can show you the picture. I don't want to show them. I can show you the picture.

You want to see when I got the. It's fun. I did show you. That's right. Is it with the bandage and stuff? No, I didn't get to do the bandage. Because I saw you right after. But that's where they put the hair.

You can see like. You can see where my normal hairline is. Is this you? Yeah. He does a good job. A day after the surgery. Holy shit. But see where they put. Is this you? Yeah. He does a good job. A day after the surgery. Holy shit. But see where they put the hair?

Wow, yeah. And then it falls out. The hair they put in takes 10 days to lock in. And it's such a fucking process. Ice your head, sleep like this, spray that. And then after 10 days, you can resume your life. Okay, well, that's impressive. And I didn't have to go to Turkey and shave my head or anything.

Wow. But in four months you start to see the results and by a year it's like are you excited i it's like a gift from me that's my christmas present yeah i'm excited to watch the whole thing go down i'll be exciting i know you will it's gonna be exciting sky's the limit well is christmas your favorite holiday um yeah i think i think. What's yours, Mark? Uh, well, it was Thanksgiving until you guys trashed it. You know what?

I like Mardi Gras, but I know that's biased. I still like Thanksgiving. Look, I trashed the turkey. The ritual is very American. I respect that. I just love Chinese food. I like Chinese food, too, but you can have that on Christmas. I do have it on Christmas. Let us have the turkey.

I will honestly say, this is going to sound weird coming from a Jew, but I fucking love Christmas. Because Christmas is now, it's not even like a who gives a shit about Jesus. It's about like the music and the lights and the food. Religion is out. This is what I do on Christmas. I order Chinese food and I

watch basketball for 12 hours. And the night at the cellar. Well, and the night the night the cellar it's great uh i thought you love balls and traveling not the traveling part but the balls i do enjoy like in italy i love uh good point good point you're right you're right i love i had a good date last week too oh okay i love i love christmas i love that time of year too there's something magical about new york city I had a good date last week, too. Oh, okay. I love Christmas. I love that time of year, too. There's something magical about New York City in the winter, but it hasn't gotten really bad out yet. It's just kind of a little cold.

That is nice. There's also something magical about being drunk and leaving a bar. Yes! And the wind just hits your face. I love that. Fuck yeah. And there's a couple Christmas lights in the distance, the trees at Rockefeller Center, there's the dirty Santa with the bell. I love the whole thing. I love it. I do. I love that. Fuck yeah. And there's a couple Christmas lights in the distance, the trees at Rockefeller Center, there's the dirty Santa with the bell. I love the whole thing.

I love it. I do. I love it. I mean, I love that time of year. I don't know. I mean, Thanksgiving is nice, so it is nice to just be with family. It's just such a dumb, I don't like Thanksgiving. No, I like it.

It's special. It's like shitty foreplay to Christmas. Like, just get to Christmas. I know, but it starts the insanity. It starts it. It leads us. There's no music to Thanksgiving. Okay, and you don't get sick of Christmas music?

They're playing it by Thanksgiving. I started listening to it today. Well, you're like Mariah, so that's a lock. Oh, my God. She made $8 jillion on that song. She wrote that song in a Casio keyboard. No. In less than a day.

Jesus. She writes all of her own music. Pull up how much she made on that. I mean, because just the residuals alone has got to be more than Elon. Damn. But, yeah. much she made on that i mean because just the residuals alone has got to be more than elon damn but yeah my way carrie's done a good job she really looks good she looks great she's still hot i think i jerked off to a poster of her and she had roller skates on in some video and like short jean shorts and i remember fantasy yeah and i jerked off to a still photo of that wow as i remember back in the day sears catalog oh the underwear guys how many kids did nick cannon have with her just two they had twins oh okay all right she seems like a good mom too how many kids

does she have total two oh yeah cannon dumped the load and kept on moving. That's right. Yeah. That's right. All I want for Christmas is alimony. That's better. But yeah, I think I'm getting, she's coming to. Alimony. She's fucking, he's getting the alimony. Yeah, good point. I think she's coming to Madison Square Garden.

Oh, you going? Yeah, but I've been to her Christmas show nine times. Wow. She'll probably hear this. She won't. Yeah, you're right. We got a reach. We don't have that big a reach.

Yeah, you're right. I did meet her once. Really? Yeah, because the used to be a show on MTV where like your biggest, the fans would be surprised on an elevator by their favorite celebrity. So like people would be on an elevator and then Backstreet Boys would just walk in or whatever.

Oh, that's fun. So I got a call from Stucky who was a producer at Guy Code. And he's like, Matteo, we got a surprise for you. But I can't tell you what it is. I just need you to be at MTV. I said, I know it's Mariah. He goes, God damn it, boys. He knows who it is.

So they had me go there. The elevator door was open. And there she was she was well well lit and nervous as i imagined her and i sat on an elevator with her and fans and her makeup artist for like probably 15 minutes and we all sang always be my baby um i was on her good side so she couldn't quite look at me uh she was lit and her every once in a while i hand i had no doubt she was lit no she was she seems very sober and together but every once in a while a hand

with a brush would come out and just like paint her face and then like curl back into the corner and um yeah she was very nice and everyone's freaking out I think because we're comics we're used to adrenaline so I was quite comfortable and she had just been on tour in China so everyone's like Mariah it's good to see you Mariah and I was like oh how was your tour in China

and she was like fine you know like she so everyone's like Mariah's gonna see Mariah and I was like oh how was your tour in China and she was like fine you know like she talked to me she hugged me like I was the help but she was great she did a whistle tone

that's a good guess if you did a show with me it would be like me and Elliot Gould in an elevator it wouldn't be as exciting hold on Sam we got Leonard Cohen

20 years ago Rodney Dangerfield you're alright you're alright get out of my way, kid. All right? Oh, my God. Good elevator.

It really seems to... What do you think it was like one-on-one? Dangerfield? Yeah. So fun. I think he was depressed. Depressed, but I bet the highs were great and the lows were dark. Bathrobe, hooker.

Balls out. Balls out. Weed. Booze. But enough about me. So stupid. Good cupcake. Good cupcake. Really seems to... This elevator, I'll tell you, booze. But enough about me. So stupid. Good cupcake really seems to good. It's elevated. I'll tell you, it's got its ups and downs.

Did you guys try the Oreo yet or not? Because that's the only thing I like. This is the best one for me. I don't like Oreo. I'll give you an Oreo. Try the Oreo because at least it's got like a kind of saltiness to it too. Is it all pump? Ooh, look at that. Mmm. It's alright.

You didn't even have the cookie part of it. You need both. It's fine. I'd like to dip it in maybe an eggnog. Yeah, it's pretty good. It's not bad. I'm just sick of pumpkin already. I'm done with pumpkin.

After today, I mean, this is enough. I want to beat the shit out of a pumpkin. Yeah, I'd love it. Get a baseball bat and fucking break a pumpkin, dude. We should do this is enough. I want to beat the shit out of a pumpkin. Yeah. Get a baseball bat and fucking break a pumpkin, dude. We should do that on Halloween. You want to do that? Sure. Let's do it tonight. Did you guys carve pumpkins this year? Nah, I bought a few and put them on the stoop. Oh, you bought a place. Yeah.

You guys bought a place. Did you move in yet? No. It's a long story. We're suing our contractor. He tried to screw us. It's a whole thing. The place is still dilapidated. But are you still keeping your apartment in where we are? Probably not. Okay. You think I should?

You could rent it out to people and make a lot of money. It's a really good location. Yeah, I might do that. Do it, dude. But I did that first, and we had this cute, nice Asian lady, and the whole building hated her. And they're like, you got to get rid of her. The board.

Damn. You know the board. It's all these stuffy old New Yorkersers i fucking hate boards hate a board oh my god there's a woman in my building you know we got an old a lot of old jews in my building this woman it's like i are you allowed to have a trainer in here i said yeah we ran it up the ladder it's all fine i got doctor's forms they're stuffy but having trainers in the gym i know and they go well i'm on the gym committee and i go well excuse me well look at you the gym committee and my trainer's laughing because i'm just i'm just mocking i'm like the gym committee you're so fast what did it take to get on there nothing

yeah let me see your six-pack so we fucking oh she's got a trainer with her it's a fucking it's madness there's another guy was rude as hell he's rude to my fucking trainer old man he goes i want to use the bench. I said, you can use it in a minute. We're almost done. And he goes, well, I've been waiting. I said, what is the first you've said of it? And he goes, he's just being so rude.

And I was like, hey, man, you know, there's a way to talk to people. We're speaking respectfully to you. And then he goes, well, you know, I'm having a bad day. I go, I don't care. Right. Yeah. I don't give a fuck about your day. And then finally goes, I've already apologized three times.

I was like you haven't apologized once right wow in his head he thought isn't it funny like when

normal pedestrians come up to comics and like we already have 50 jokes lined up you're never gonna win this oh my god I was like

literally thinking of roast jokes while I'm looking at him like you're fucking old you're a loser I'm like I'm like I'm like

you're gonna be dead soon like that'm like sizing jokes are just insults oh yeah yeah not jokes i'm like you're gonna be dead soon like that's not a joke i've been waiting yeah yeah so is god coming up there but yeah i hate that shit and also you're like i could attack your appearance but i'm i'm being nice you know i couldn't disintegrate that's what i said i could say that you're gonna be dead soon but i'm not that's not the type of person i am joan rivers had one of my favorite jokes where she was like i hate old people because old people I could say that you're going to be dead soon, but that's not the type of person I am. Joan Rivers had one of my favorite jokes where she was like, I hate old people because old people, if you're here, get out. I don't want to see you. And I hate old people that buy at Costco.

Like, you're buying 18 jars of large mayonnaise. Unless God likes sandwiches, you are an asshole. I was like, good one, Joan. We have Joan on the wall behind you. She's my favorite comedian of all time. She made me want to do comedy. Really? Yeah, because I first got into comedy with Kathy Griffin.

Sure. Because, I mean, not to sound so sad, but it's like comedy wasn't really for gay people. No. She was specials on Bravo. That's what I'm saying. She was the first person I remember in my entire life ever speaking positively about gay people in a funny way. Like she still roasted us, but in a way that I knew was accepted. Oh, good point.

I was so internalized with my homophobia. She was an ally for you guys. I remember thinking to myself, she shouldn't do that. She'll lose her career. Wow. That's how internalized my homophobia was. And she made it like she was the first person in my life. I was 16 that I ever heard say anything positive ever about gay people she

didn't lose her career but it was over something completely unrelated i know but then i saw joan and because because she did some special on bravo when i was in college and i was like kathy was always sort of lauded as like the new joan rivers i'll check out joan pencils down yeah hands like this and i thought i want to be a comedian it's just joke joke joke joke and she commanded that stage she's she's like you know one of the greats mount rushmore and she got she was one of his favorite comedians really yeah well she was she was done dirty by carson i thought that was pretty i think so too the fact that if you don't know i mean she was she was she was a regular guest host when carson sat out and uh she was very popular and then she was told

she would not get the show. She was told that when Carson's done it's not going to you. You're not on the list. And she got a show, a late night show and Carson basically was like your blacklist. Told every show not to book her. Really fucked up. Her husband committed suicide. Her husband did?

Oh yeah. Really? Because of her show. He was getting into arguments with the producers of the show. When she lost the show he committed suicide her husband did oh yeah really because of her show he was getting into arguments with the producers of the show when she lost the show he committed suicide wow she was a tough person and i used to watch her first of all i watched the d-list that's how much i love comedy great that was a great show she had the fat husband that was fun but uh joan on she made red carpet bearable oh yeah a guy like me i guy like me, I'm watching the red carpet, and she was merciless with the, what are you wearing? Ugh, why?

It preceded Ricky Gervais, right? Yes. The way Ricky was kind of mean to celebrities, Joan was doing it. Joan has the same thing Keith has, where like, can I play a 30-second clip of Joan? Please. Do you want us to play it on the thing?

Type in Joan Rivers, red carpet and a nicole smith speaking of crutches keith as a crutch and speaking of d-list those titties don't lie all right folks all right uh you what what you're about to hear um no it has to it's a 30 like a go to youtube actually and type in joan rivers and nicole smith that's like oh these cocktails are fucking money beer drew it what she says you could never there it is top one you could never ever ever say this today claiming to be the father and now lance bass has come out claiming to be the real mother i mean just claiming to be the real mother. I mean, just... The war is continuing, and the authorities say they have found no drugs in her system,

just a lot of sperm. Ah, wow. What's exciting to me is Trent Spahr has continued to run her ads, claiming that in the last two weeks alone, Anna Nicole has lost yet another 70 pounds. Ah, that's great. What a balls.

The balls. I'm a girlfriend who can't say no. And I mean this sincerely, and you know I can be sincere, TV viewers. Even in death, everyone in Anna Nicole's family is trying to make money off of her so they can buy new sets of tires for their trailers. Oh, damn. Wow. Only good news. I'd like to end this monologue on trailers. Oh, damn. Wow. The only good news,

I'd like to end this monologue on that. Andy Griffin's still on. His body will be flown today to the Bahamas, photographed one more time for Playboy, and then buried. Wow. Imagine. Wow.

Imagine saying that today. I mean, that would be lose your sponsors, you'd lose your network, the whole thing. She lost so much she didn't give a shit. Yeah. What are you going to do to me? When you were punished like that, I mean. But that was comedy.

That was gold. I mean, you could never do that now. They would cut the whole show and go for the Indian head and the whole, you know. What was that thing called? You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I don't know the name of it.

But yeah, that is crazy. It's just a different time. Yeah. It's just a different, she's from a completely different era. You know, Phyllis Diller did 20 minutes of how fat her mother-in-law was. Right. 20 minutes of it. Yeah.

It was just fat jokes. It was a different time. Well, you didn't have social media able to write in immediately going that was despicable that was unacceptable you know and to be fair she wouldn't care the point well the point joan said that because she was the network she meant it to be mean and she meant it to be despicable that was the goal yeah um exactly there's something i mean obviously i you know the comedy's changed a lot But I watched that in the same way I watched, like, you know, I don't know, like a great painting or something that defined a certain time. Where you watch it and think, okay, this wouldn't stand for today.

But it is cool to see, like, how monumental she was in comedy. And, like, the fact that she was able to do that is just so badass. Badass. I completely agree. Yeah. I always loved that Lichtenstein though where they uh call kissinger a pussy no all right long timelines all right but yeah she she was she was great but i watched you know i would watch her as a kid and it you'd go oh that was wild

oh that was fun but then you'd move on with your life i never like stewed on it like jesus christ well you didn't have anywhere to go with it yeah i guess so you know what i mean no it's cool to just go balls to the wall and just have fun and you don't sense that she was malicious she sent that she was like fun she was malicious but it didn't feel that way still even though as mean as she was it didn't feel mean i think it felt kind of silly i think she was crazy looking that ad that helps if you look like that it to be an insult comic if you don't look like Don Rickles. Or Jeff Ross. Yeah. I think, too, it's like I think you can hear like she's mastered her voice so much.

Right. The way she speaks. Like she's saying this like, hey, I get it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Because sometimes you hear people say mean things. You're like, I don't know what I'm going to mean.

Right. It's like, why is Keith? Keith gets away with saying the worst shit. He gets away with it. But it's like, oh, yeah, he's a good guy. When it really matters, he's a good guy. It matters when you do that type of comedy that people can sense you're not an actual monster. Mm-hmm.

And I think with her, it probably helped that she had so much plastic surgery that they're like, well, this person doesn't like herself. My face has seen more knives than a Benihana. And then Dave Letterman was was like you don't look like the joan i remember and she goes i take that as a compliment wow yeah i think you nailed it she hates herself too she's also insecure you guys would love a lot there's a lot of drag queens you would love oh drag queen comedy the ballsiest joke tellers of all time people like this guy yeah they're the craziest yeah lady bunny have you ever seen lady bunny can you real could you mind if i do this i read my time bring it up

just type in lady bunny stand up and hanging out this thanksgiving dinner bro oh yeah uh okay click on uh yeah you can click on the first one if you want to. So, Lady Bunny, we have paused real quick. Is Lady Bunny still cooking? Is she still? She's still. Oh, yeah. She's a DJ. She's been around forever.

What she does is she writes all of her own jokes, records her jokes, and then lip syncs her jokes, and then adds a beat in between it. So, between each insult, if she's an insult comic, she does it to Dan. Oh, wow. So this is warning you now, if you're triggered, you'll be triggered. I can't wait. Listen, folks, if you're triggered. It's like Bernie Mac. I ain't scared of you motherfuckers.

Okay, okay. Hi, my name's Lady Bunny, and my preferred pronouns are slutty and sugar tits. Some are really cheesy, and then some are like the best jokes. Okay. I see a therapist.

I said, I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman. He said, just pull your pants down. I said, no. He said, you're a woman. That's clever. That's a great joke. A wise old man once said, my name is Catering Jitter. That's clever. That's a great joke. Where is this? Is this New York?

Yeah. I love it. Ah, that's great. That's a great joke. Now there's hashtag me too, hashtag time's up, and don't forget my movement, hashtag where's my leg? I love it. I love the pull the pants down joke. At this point, I'd be grateful if a dog humps my leg. Be grateful if what? If a dog humps my leg.

And who needs hashtags? I've got skin tags. This is fun. That's a fucking dad joke, though. Yeah. Phone sex, but they make the phones so small these days. I mean, it's so silly. I'm having a blast.

This is real New York. Yes. Black joke and a Mexican joke. You've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal. That's a great pun. It's weird that it's like an offensive Mexican joke. You've heard Juan. You've heard Jamal. That's a great pun. It's weird that it's like an offensive dad joke. Right. It's like... Also,

I don't want to be cremated. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's fun. I like it. I'm going to book her. That pull your pants one is a killer yeah it's always a cosby one shit she is stuff i love that's that is real drag yeah that's real drag new york drag and you'll see lady bunny everywhere and sometimes i don't know she usually djs at the monster in the west village on every sunday night but um every time i run into her i

never remember if she's gonna remember me or not remember me it's because she's yeah she's a legend lady bunny's legend writes all her own jokes does songs writes all her own songs she like does song parodies where like once she's richard she did a duet with richard gear's mouse in her ass so she's like singing a duet with him and like she just like she and she does long interviews about like political correctness and what that means and what like you know she's she's really smart really fascinating and and um has she been in you know gotten in hot water at all and well she did get kicked off twitter but then everyone voted to get her back on twitter so we got we got lady bunny back on yeah we need her but she's she's uh she's like kind of a perfect example of someone who's like,

she survived the AIDS pandemic. She survived homophobia. She survived like everything. And she's coming out just still doing her. She's a legend. This is like fun New York energy for sure. Do you remember Lucky Chang's? Did you ever go there?

Yeah, of course. It was on First Avenue or Second Avenue. Lower East Side, East Village area. It's gone now. It was a drag bar. Yeah, I did shows there all the time. Then drag queens would come on after you. And I thought I was edgy.

Then they would go on. I was like, Jesus Christ. It was cool. Bianca Del Rio, Bob the Drag Queen, Trixie Mattel, great joke writers. Yes. Really great joke writers. Wow, I love it. Good stuff.

House of the Drag. It's fun, man. That's also, too, it's fun. Good stuff. House of the Dreg. It's fun, man. That's also, too, like, it's fun. I think that helps jokes that walk that line is, like, a smile, a silliness, like, this type of shit. I mean, just showing that you're not a fucking monster. I mean, a lot of it's presentation. Like, gift wrap that shit. For sure.

What's the intention? We've lost that. Bloggers never fucking take intention into i got canceled once i did that comedy seller show i have a whole bit about this but um trying to think of how much i can get into without ruining my bit who gives the news show where you do the news headlines this week at the cell this week at the cell yeah and one of them was the the type the subject was mike pence And so I was like, I'm gay. I'll cover that one. And I did a whole joke about how he wants to jail gays. And if they sent us to jail, I'd be like, you want to put me on an island with a bunch of gays?

I'll come and I'll come. We'll just reenact all the musical scenes from Chicago. And before people put stuff up online. By the way, they gave us a day to write those jokes. I know, right? It takes six months sometimes for a joke to come up. Of course. Of course. So I put it on. And you don't care. And you don to write those jokes. I know, right? It takes six months sometimes for a joke to come up. Of course, of course.

So I put it on. And you don't care. And you don't give a shit. I was just trying to eat. Right, right. They paid well. They gave us the stuff and I put it on my Twitter,

which I don't have anymore. And this gay blogger got wind of it and said, Mateo Lane is dangerous to the gay community and promotes gay men going to jail.

And I was like, what? Promote? I was like, what? Or supports gay men going to jail and i was like what promote i was like what or supports the gay men going to jail jesus christ no it was crazy and then like thousands of tweets like you monster i hate you like what about uganda i was like what about uganda like how did we get to you i'm gonna start bringing up separate stuff i'm talking about mike pens you know like and also too like my too the point of the joke was the target audience of Comedy Central at the time was white men 18 to 35. So I was like alright I'm gay. I'll let them know Mike Pence doesn't like

gay people. That was the point of the joke. The intention of the joke was to tell people about how destructive he could be. And they spun it. And they spun it for themselves to say like. That's how they get eyeballs. And they're the good guys. I love that. They are trying to make their name in a way that's trying to destroy you like them getting clicks is all they care about right because they they use someone who grows actually has to put

themselves in front of people right and say you know but i mean it was kind of a good experience these people never get dragged the way we do. No. Who? Drag queens? They get dragged. Trust me, they get dragged. No, these blogger types who are like trying to go after you, but you're like, none of your shit is out there. You don't have to deal with any backlash. All of our shit is out there. Yeah.

And we're trying to get laughs. We're trying to evoke humor. But look, I mean, that's the deal. That's what Patrice said. Patrice was like like the jokes you like and the jokes you don't like came from the same place yeah well i'm not i've had disagreements i don't like everyone's and they're allowed to dislike it but when you try to drag us and try to take out of context what we said for your own gain you're a fucking pig you're a piece of shit you're the monster you're a pig and you're masking as and our shit's all out there and their shit isn't and it's not in that way it's not a

fair fight but at the same measure we will usually have a bigger following than they do because because we earned it by putting that shit out there people read like keith always says people see bullshit and so like i think like you know for me it wasn't a bad experience at the time i was it was a nightmare because I didn't experience that. I also had no followers like I was. I was just trying to write a comic, you know, and but but I got to see what it was like. I got to see what it was like for everyone to hate you and to misconstrue what you say. And yeah, and it hurts.

It hurts. But in fairness, I was like, you know what? That's his gig. And how I react to it is what he says is not my problem it's how i react to it which is such a kind of gross thing to say mature very mature so you know and now i'm using it as a bit i'm talking about it on stage and you know a bit about a person who had to cancel me in 2013 right now that's hitting pretty hard that's when i met you i met you eating a burrito at the cellar or at the creek in the cave

and you were going through that do you remember that? and I came up to you and I said I'd never met you before but that's where I first met you my very vivid memory and I was like I'm sorry what you're going through and you're like you were very Sam about it sucks what are you going to do

they don't get it and you're just like going into this burrito that was just an open mic. Some things never change. No, but at the same time. Same way it's pussy. Fuck the world. Where's the hot sauce?

No, it happens to you and it's a good taste. It really is. I mean, it shows you what a lot of people's intentions are and because our intention i get it look i've even had podcasts where we argue with each other and stuff like that you know i'm certainly not mr pc and don't want to tell anyone what to say but there's also times i'm like we have to distinguish what a joke sure because just saying words doesn't make it a joke yeah but that's a whole other topic. I think generally speaking, all comics are just trying to make people happy at the end of the day. Make light of things, dark things.

If you have a school shooting joke, I did a joke in a New York comedy club not too long ago. And it was a joke about school shootings. And that's already a dicey topic. And I have this whole bit about how a lot of these guys are incels. They just need to get laid. So we should – that's a a dicey topic yeah i have this whole bit about how like a lot of these guys are incels they just need to get laid so we should that's a whole prostitute bit and a woman was like fuck you fuck you you're promoting sex trafficking and i'm like promoting i'm doing a bit about it's a silly bit about bringing prostitutes into school to fuck the weird kid and she's like fuck you so they're throwing her out and she's like, fuck you. So they're throwing her out. And she's like, suck my dick. I have it all on tape.

But I had some good responses. But I was just like, you're so off. I'm not a government official. Yeah. This is how laws are passed. What you're talking about. But it was her moment. To your point, I think people have confused everything to be.

Everything used to be different. In other words, a comedian was a comedian and a politician was a politician. Right. Not that people haven't gotten shit before. But now anyone with any kind of platform is viewed equal. Uh-huh. And so in a way, people have confused because of online. We all see the same thing on one app.

So whether you're a dog trainer or a politician or a comedian, we view you parallel. It's all on the same plane. So we expect you to everyone to have the same morals but in reality you know people are upset online it's like this this isn't this isn't a comedy show so there is a kind of agreement we make right conscious agreement we've signed a contract to say i'm sitting here to listen to what some things that could offend me but under the agreement that it's funny because we all know what happens when you make a joke and everyone laughs in a comedy club because you've built up

right that you've built up the environment to show that i'm safe and you i'm i'm not trying to hurt anybody right which gets cut out and then thrown online exactly exactly like like i'm at some sort of rally right i'm like i'm at I'm at the Ha Ha Hut. Yes, yes. Oh, my. Literally, that was literally my response to a woman who just yelled out, free Palestine in my show. And I go. That was fascinating.

And I was just like, what? And she goes, I'm trying to make a point. I was like, at the Omaha Funny Bone? Right. Exactly. I do love that we're making, we're trying to have this like, you know, hardcore comedy discussion. Mateo's in his gobble, gobble, gobble shirt.

I love it. You're in my, he's my sweet potato yeah we're trying to be fun I love it dude hey you keep it fun and light I'm with you man I think you have to understand we talk about intent we talk about being silly we talk about like anyone who gets really offended at a show it's

not about the joke it's something it's about some other shit that happened to you that day that week maybe that you haven't dealt with in therapy I can't tell you how many people i've you know dealt with in my life where they're screaming at me i'm like this isn't how i communicate yes i go to therapy i've kind of worked on myself you work on yourself then come back and we'll have this conversation or don't i don't want to talk don't work on yourself i don't give a fuck walk in front of a bus i could give a shit i do feel i mean i don't go quite as dicey in my, I mean, you guys really go into subjects

and I really admire it because I don't have the forza. I don't have the strength to like go into something. I think it's more boredom. I think it's more just silliness. I can talk about cookies, but let's go, let's talk about riots or whatever. I don't think we're being edgy. I think we're just fucking bored. Yes, it's interesting.

Not edgy. But I'm saying is like every comic has like their different side. You know what I'm trying to say? But it's like I never – I've heard a bunch of – I've heard gay jokes that I don't like. But I would never think to walk up to someone and say anything to them. I mean people have asked me about gay jokes. And then if they ask me, I'm saying, well, you've asked me. And I'm guessing that you want my opinion.

I'll give you my opinion. But generally speaking, I've heard some gay jokes that are great. Like your pride joke, I always go back to, like, the sex is brutal. That's an old Mark's joke. Oh, wow. That's old. I know, but that's one of my first memories of you. Right.

Also, my first memory of you was you got Conan, you ran it at the Creek open mic and farted on stage. That's my first memory of Mark. That's my big closer. Yeah. I got the best compliment. There was a gay waiter at the cellar years ago. He had glasses. He was a short guy.

I forgot his name. Darren? I can't remember. But he got fired or something. And his last day, he goes, every comic has gay jokes. They do the gay voice. It drives me crazy. And you never did that. You have gay is gay jokes they do the gay voice it drives me crazy and you never did that you have gay joke you never did the gay boy hello that i don't like i don't

like that i don't like it either and i never did it and he was like that meant a lot to me and i was like oh great all right but i never forgot that i don't like the making the gay dudes in the one guy i never i don't like that either and i was kind of a woman or whatever i don't do a black voice why am i doing same why am i doing a gay voice so it's kind of like that either. Or a black guy or a woman or whatever. I don't do a black voice. Why am I doing a gay voice? I will say as a gay person, it's very fun to do gay voice. It's a fun voice. It's a fun voice. But I was always kind of like, if the joke doesn't stand on the writing, I don't think it's worth doing.

My joke on gay voice is that it's so funny because in my head I sound like, yeah. But in real life, we just don't know we have gay voice. And you hear your voice back. You don't know? Well, now I know. I listen to my sets every night. You know what I mean? But before that, I was like, I sound like Gaston.

I sound like Tony the Tiger. So it's so funny. Tony the Tiger. Yeah. That's so funny. That's your idea of a strike. I thought you were going to say like John Wayne. He's like, you know the guy from the serial?

John Wayne is as gay as a picnic basket. Really? Let's get one thing straight. You don't think so? The costumes, the drag, drag the horse the role play oh please please howdy partner yeah beans clearly was a bottom i um wow you heard it here first guys uh-huh yeah but any gay boys exist in every language too like in italian you can just hear gay voice oh really i'm like it's so funny we all have that voice spanish yeah hi that's fascinating why is that why does the the gay ness make you sound a certain way i were more fun yeah probably more fun more musical more

it's also like a mating call a little bit right right? I mean, like, you have a different sound, well, you have a different sound, so you're attracting people to hear you. And by the way, my brother's also gay. You would never, stereotypically, in quotations, you just would never know. Well, Tim Dillon's gay. He doesn't have the gay voice.

Well, Tim has... You have to listen to what Tim says, not how he sounds. Because Tim has some of these funny like quick like that only a gay man could talk about sassy he's got sass Tim is really funny yeah he but he has that like long

island voice like I'd work on a truck you know yeah he prefers a ferry but but yeah yeah it's funny with gay boys it is it is so strange yeah Yeah, he prefers a fairy. But, yeah. Yeah, it's funny with gay boys. It is so strange. Yeah.

I love it. I used to be so ashamed of it. Now I love it. Go with it. Embrace it. Yeah, yeah. Do you feel happy right now in life? Because things are going well for you.

I feel... It's weird. A gay used to mean happy. Back in the day, yeah. And it's so ironic because no gays are happy. Especially not New York gays. No. yorkers are just cranky fuck but is there a better place to be gay than new york well there's so many hot guys you get the hottest guys but you only see them once for three minutes it's over and then everyone's rude to each other but then you have great but i don't know yeah the bodies the six But my life is so, I have a bit of a, like, I don't live that life.

And I sometimes feel left out. Like, I see all these gays and getting up in costumes and going out to parties and doing these, you know, like, long dancing and stuff. Because it's hard to go in comedy. I'm so, I'm just so knee-deep into comedy. Me too. That I, don't get me wrong. I love, if I walk into a club i feel i'm being judged by my looks if i walk into the cellar i know i'm being appreciated by my intellect

you got that right and i i love the cellar so i don't ever look back and regret it because you know i i don't have to the problem is we're sick of proving ourselves we're sick of trying because as a comic you prove yourself for so many years and you just walk into the cellar and you're instantly accepted yeah you know you go on these dates and it's like dazzle me you're like i've been doing it for two years it's like being an open mic yeah i'm done i'm tired so i think that's kind of why we love the comedy cellar in the comedy family i mean you know i think about steve you know who he just lost it's just absolutely tragic and it's like it is weird how hard like comedy he's the head of security the comedy seller just passed away it's weird how hard comedy family deaths hit you where you're like i was thinking i was like man i'm really fucking

sad yeah yeah that was i see him every time i go to the cell every i have a show at the shake hands every night we're silly together you have that kind of weird because you have so much time to kill together so you just have to create this silly relationship yeah and he was like the antithesis of a bouncer he was like super intellectual super well read he took he took photos did you ever see with his camera oh yeah he was like brilliant guy and then he's like this giant bouncer guy super warm super friendly you'd always say whenever we're like a tank top he's like mateo why are you out here making all of us look bad just stop it mateo warm big hugs good to see you how are you yeah it's it's really quite he and also he when he because sometimes he used to be at mcal. He's been at Village Underground more recently. But at McDougal, he loved watching comics sets.

Yes. And knew our jokes and knew we were working on new stuff. Yes. And was like, that kind of stuff I fucking love. And hated a few guys, by the way. Yeah. Which also means he was watching. Which also meant he was a part of the comics.

Yeah. He was all like gossiping. I got into it with a guy on the sidewalk outside of the cellar. You know, a guy was like, you know, there's just rando weird guys walking around. And this guy was giving me shit. And I was walking towards the cellar to go to a spot. And I just had enough. I was having a bad day, like your old tenant.

And I was like, fuck you. Fuck you, bitch. And we started going at it. And this guy would have killed me. Sean Patton walks up. He shows me his knife. Like, if anything goes down, I'll stab this motherfucker. Sean Patton is just a pirate.

He's a pirate. He's a fat pirate. He should have a parrot, like, right here. Yeah. And I was, like, kind of backing up. And the guy was, like, coming towards me. But I knew I had Steve there. And that's all I needed.

Because, like, even if this guy beat the shit out of me, Steve would just pick him up like this. Oh my God, they protect us. They protect us. I mean, we run our mouths and they're the guy like, oh, you got a problem?

Yeah. Check out this guy. He got between us and he was like, get the fuck out of here and the guy was like, whoa, okay. There's another seller

who saw some guy, I got to know the guy out there because it's madness down there. It's madness. And he had a fucking weapon on him and I was like, hell yeah, dude. Just knowing he had that, you do get cocky. Yeah. Not a dangerous weapon on him and i was like hell yeah dude just knowing he had that you do get

cocky yeah not a dangerous weapon but enough what are we talking pistol ak-47 like a black oh is he rafael numchuk oh is that a ninja turtle i don't know if that was your ex wow a nunchuk that's always a weird sign. That's the one thing I love about the cellar is like, you know, I think we're all lucky enough to be like working there for a long time. Yeah. And it really does feel like a home. It's very nice.

You get to go in and catch up. I'd go in less if it wasn't so fucking fun. And other clubs are good, but it doesn't have the same vibe. No, the cellar is completely different i love walking in and seeing how mad liz is at me every night yeah the manager of the cellar she's always mad at me and liz is good too because liz i literally the best summer of my life was june july and august of 2020 because um i got a new apartment near the cellar near near our home oh yeah and um it was like it was kind of a strange time because no one was working.

There was no FOMO. Everyone had left New York. And the only people that were there was Jose and Liz. And so at 12 o'clock they open. I go downstairs and I would leave at 8 o'clock. Yeah. We'd grow a garden. We'd figure out what are we eating for dinner tonight.

We'd hang out in the street like it's the 1970s. Yeah. And yeah. And then the next summer when everything came back, me, Liz, and Jose all texted each other like, oh, I'm going to miss. That was like such a special time. Yeah. We would cook in the cellar kitchen and make dinner and invite Keith and like set out a table. Wow. And then all eat. It was fantastic.

That's great. It was weird. That community. That FOMO was weird. I mean, weird that community that fomo was was weird i mean i think about that with my ex like we would just go to dinner every night and i was like you know i do miss that weird like nothing brings you together like that just movies and and pajamas and pajamas and dessert night with yamanika and not and not having gigs to go on every weekend so yeah holy shit we're we were being together right like a family

this is actual togetherness right oh maybe we should take time off we're not healthy or happy no no no i do feel happy i remember i'm happy too i have one moment do you have a moment in your life where you realize the life i'm living is not what i want i'm missing out on something yes because i was my whole childhood basically decided me to laugh no no no this is your delivery um i was not the giorno di giorno do you know what that means no of of the day um of the day di giorno of the day of the day okay but um i remember i was at like uh in michigan in the winter my friend got a cabin and all my friends went up my friends i grew up in chicago and and i love them but everyone was drinking and just and i remember laying in bed really depressed and

i was like i just don't that was like 24 i was like i just don't think this is what i want and then the second i started doing comedy, I never looked back. Same. Never looked back. Same here. I would get blackout drunk to hang out with my friends. And I didn't think that was weird because we all just drank so much. We were like degenerate pieces of shit kids.

But then when you found comedy, you're like, oh, I have a goal. I have something to work towards. I have a bit to write. I have a show tonight. And isn't it crazy to think about where we started and how many people just peeled off? I know. There's so few left. There wasn't meant for them. Yeah. tonight and it's a crazy thing about where we started how many people just peeled off i know few left well yeah it wasn't meant for them yeah yeah and also i think like man how many degenerate

pieces of shit we drink with now so we've grown but at least we have something common we have something common and it's easy and and you find that's the thing if you're young and you haven't found your group yet you'll find your group yeah yeah you'll find your people and keep looking and keep looking don't settle for people that you don't connect with because your people are out there and uh if you're thinking about isis that might be for you yeah that's what i'm saying still a group i have to say my gay crew uh bob the drag queen mona exchange my friend nick if at all very similar drag queens are very similar to comedians very similar same life writing jokes getting writing jokes, getting on stage, dealing with assholes, something that bonds you with other people in a very specific type of performance.

Yes. So when I'm with drag queens, like my friends, Bob Monet, I feel very much like I'm with comedians. Yeah. I want to meet these drag queens. Oh, my God. Let's all go out for an Italian dinner. I would love to.

Great. Bring us with you. And plug dates, man. There's been a killer app. Oh, my God. Sorry. Yeah. i hope i wasn't long-winded oh there's my dates right there uh we've added a bunch of shows guys one of my favorite great club sold out you love to see that sold out i know most of my that's yeah all right he's at the pittsburgh improv in december you know what i'm doing i'm uh uh I'm at the Cincinnati Funny Bone in January. Oh, Stand Up Live Phoenix, Arizona.

Oh, that's a big one. We have one show left. So if you want to come, that's November 18th and 19th. And then I'm going on a theater tour. Queen Elizabeth Theater, February 9th and 10th. Added our third show. Ace Theater downtown Los Angeles. Added second show.

Neptune Theater. Added our fourth show. Hell yeah. Palace and Fine Arts San Francisco. Added second show, Neptune Theater. Added our fourth show. Hell yeah. Palace and Fine Arts, San Francisco. And then Beacon, New York. All right. I love Toronto. That's going to be fun.

All right. Okay. What day is this, Matt? God, Mark, your schedule. Aren't you fucking tired? I'm wiped. I'm wiped. I'm shitting blood.

How do you look so good? And this is your schedule. You know, black don't crack. Joy Theater in New Orleans. The Wilbur. We got a fourth show at the Wilbur. College Street Music Hall in New Haven. Fillmore in Philly.

Helium Buffalo. Cobb's Comedy Club. Always wanted to do it. Zany's in Nashville. The Blue Note in Hawaii. Oh, yeah. That'll be fun. And yeah, MarkNormanComedy.com for dates.

Hey, we got Springfield, Missouri, Fort Wayne, Indiana. Oof. Kansas City, Missouri, Tacoma, Spokane. Oklahoma, make-up date. I'm sorry about that. Then the theater tour starts. New Orleans, Austin, Dallas, Tulsa, St. Louis,

Vegas. Vegas, baby! Vancouver, just added a late show there. Seattle, Portland, Salt Lake City, All-Star Week in basketball. I'm hanging that week. Atlantic City, Royal Oak, Minneapolis, Madison, Milwaukee, New Haven, Boston. Added a late show there. We'll hopefully add more there. Miami, Orlando, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Charleston, Durham, Charlottesville, Virginia, D.C., all this shit.

Wilkes Bar PA in Port Chester. Yeah, bro. Oh, really? Are you really? Yeah. SamRoyal.com slash shows. Tour bus, baby. Let's fucking go.

I hope Vita's on there. Oh, little Gary's going to be getting fucking tortured on that bus. I taught Gary how to make coffee. Oh, dude, we're going to have a great time. And get Bodega Cat Whiskey, the best whiskey in the business. Bodegacatwhiskey.com. You got that right. Subscribe to this podcast.

Beer Jew, what do you got going on, man? Beer Jew's still at Say Less NYC on 38th Street. Come check us out. We're rolling out the new fall menus. And pay your plan NYC for all your hospitality consulting needs. Let me help you make your restaurant or bar. We love it. I mean, shout out to Matt Peters, who's been crushing the studio. I mean, look at this layout.

This is better than my house in New Orleans. This is great. I love it. I wish you were my dad. That's Bill Burr waiting outside. Last time Mateo was here, Burr went long, Mateo had to leave and we felt fucking horrible about it. I was like, Bill Burr can do whatever the fuck he wants. I am never going to tell.

Bill, can you hurry up so I can talk about Mariah? This is a great ep. A killer ep. But in our defense, Bill's like, I'll give you an hour. I can do an hour. And then he wouldn't leave. Yeah, because you guys are great. And we'll fucking, hey, man, we were grateful to have him. Thank you so much for having me on the show you guys know we love you man

We love you. We're proud of you and you're a buddy. I mean, this is a killer app We might be drunk pot subscribe to the YouTube channel subscribe everywhere you get this shit Yeah, and and drink this fucking bodega cat. Everyone's loving it. It's a little man Instagram Mateo lame hot hot funny The whole package it's on there on Instagram. It's HaleLame. Hot, hot, funny. The whole package. It's on there, too. We love you. In jeans.

And get on the Patreon. Get a bodega. Give them hell. Ciao. Sunday's the day for my next offender. A bit of Pivorec. You know the future's close. I've had a little too much bourbon,

and Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope, and I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming, and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans, this woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way. We might be true.