We Might Be Drunk - Ep 105: Bobby Kelly & Liz Furiati

Episode Date: December 12, 2022

Bobby Kelly and Liz Furiati are in studio this week. Great stories from the Comedy Cellar, the road, and much more. Bobby tells the guys about meeting Jerry Seinfeld, so great! Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/shows Bobby Kelly: https://robertkellylive.com/ Liz Furiati: https://www.comedycellar.com/ Go to https://RocketMoney.com/DRUNK Support the show by going to sheathunderwear.com &; use promo code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order. Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code DRUNK for 20% off. Visit https://www.ounceofhope.com and use code DRUNK for 20% off your first order.

there you go bobby kelly in studio oh hey we're here let's start the show off on a nice you know one of our friends is dead here's a gofundme uh yeah well we should we gotta plug it you know yeah you do we love you i mean they're almost there here's the problem with gofundme they always no matter how much they do it they they do too low. Right. You got to just drop a mil. They're already at 100 grand. If you put a mil, you would have got 500 grand. So does it stop? Like if I give a thousand dollars, it'll just not do it? It keeps going.

But when I look at it, I'm like, look, I'm out. Right. You got what you wanted. The bar was too low for the kindness. They always put the bar too low. Aim higher. Yeah. Steve, if you don't know

was our beloved uh head of security at the comedy cellar and uh great guy was there 22 years yeah dante put this up his cut is 40 percent and then another 10 goes to caa yeah dante's gonna roll up on a new motorcycle he He's going to have a new earring, like some type of gazelle bone earring, a real rhino tusk earring. How does he do it? Every time I show up at a club, he's parked insanely illegally, and he never gets towed, never gets a ticket. He's got a giant Jeep on jacked-up tires.

That's how you do it. Is that the secret? Not 100%. Not one ticket. Pull up in a Hyundai, and they're going to give you a ticket. You pull up in an apocalypse vehicle, and you look like a- Mad Max vibe, for sure. Mad Max vibe.

And he literally has animal bones sticking out of parts of his body. He does, yeah. He's an ex-pimp, right? Yeah, he's an ex-pimp. And a stripper. He was a stripper. What? Dude, he was a male stripper.

Wow. He would smack himself when he got out of line. With his own cock. Yeah. That's crazy to be a stripper. That's like a crazy job. I got asked to do it once. Really?

What? Young Bobby? Sexy Bobby. Oh, thank God. Sexy Bobby was a stripper? This girl who I knew was a stripper And we used to tan together When I went tanning

Sexy Bobby had to go tanning You gotta go tan Listen, you gotta play the role If you're gonna go in, you go in I'm gonna wear tight jeans and a wife beater And not tan Yeah, you don't wanna be pale with the veins I'm gonna have tan arms and then some farmer shit So you lay in want to be pale with the veins yeah i'm gonna have tan

arms and then some farmer shit so you lay in one of the beds with the little things on your little things i went in and get those cancer eyes i manned up yeah i had two little dots on my butt i don't know if you know when you go tan and when you your bone presses against it doesn't tan so you have a little all tanning people have two little dots and then white dots in their butt yeah we used to tan together she came on my name she goes can i ask you something i was like what she goes um i dance i strip and uh i do private stuff but sometimes they want bachelorette parties and stuff and i'll i'll do we'll do like a uh i like they want a couple's thing would you do that with me i was like did you just ask me to strip wow nice that's a compliment it It was a compliment.

Did you think about it? For two seconds, Robert Patrick Kelly, I don't have the peace. I don't have a peace to be stripping. The Irish curse. Yeah. Plus, back then, I got hard too quick. You know what I mean? I just got hard at anything.

So I would just show up just with a rod, just like a five and a half inch or just sticking out of my little gold-made G-string. Five and a half? That's not terrible. No, I mean. For your height? That's all right. It's not bad.

It's not bad. When I was a kid, we had a strip club, and if you turned 18, they'd bring you on stage, and all the girls would dance on you, and if you got a boner, you would have to pay. But if you didn't get a boner. You were gay. Yeah. You had to pay later in life to your father.

You had to suck the owner's dick. That's how I met Mateo. Well, that's like you go to those, remember Bachelor Party, the two strippers in Bachelor Party? Oh, yeah. Is that Liz? Holy shit. Liz Criotti. Liz.

Wow, look who's late today. Wow, you're late. This is who's late. Is that Godfrey? Is that Sherrod? This is weird. Jeez Louise. It's fun because you yelled us for being late

And now you're late Dude what the fuck Why is your clubhouse in the middle of hell What the fuck It's unbelievable I'd rather do this in the favelas of Brazil You're just like the free prostitutes in Brazil That's true Not free but very cheap

Basically free if you're American Great Good to have you You both drove in that's why That's true. Not free, but very cheap. Basically free. Basically free if you're American. Great. Good to have you. You hate Cumberland. You both drove in, that's why. Yeah, but we're regular people. I didn't think it was going to take fucking 45 minutes in an Uber to get here. Wow.

45. Take a train. The train takes three minutes. Not all of us have Van Wilder just walking through the city every day. I got it. Is that what he did? I don't know. That's what Van Wilder did. I think city every day. I got it. Is that what he did? I don't know. That's what Van Wilder did.

I think he was like a college party guy. I just love Ryan Reynolds. I like to squeeze him in where I can. Sometimes it doesn't work. He's very cute. By the way, we had his gin here, Aviation Gin. And when Phil Hanley was on, he's a gin snob. I only drink Monkey 47.

Whatever. I only drink that. So we literally got aviation gin, that bottle. That's all we had. And we just put a fake sticker of Monkey 47. He has no clue. I've never seen this bottle before. And we never told him.

Idiot. He just drank gin. They were like, this is a great drink. We're like, hey, you fucking piece of shit. He's a fake snob. There you go. First of all, this hack. I mean,, this is a great drink. We're like, hey, you fucking piece of shit. He's a fake snob. There you go. First of all, this hack.

I mean, it's hack at this point. We love Patrice. It's our wall of death. It's just dead people? Oh, these are all dead people. It's all dead people.

You were almost on there. I was just about to. Oh, Bobby. You have half a picture of Keith up here? Just a silhouette. He was booked a month ago. He's still not here.

He's working. This area of town sucks. I know you got a deal or whatever it is. I don't know what happened. This, to get here, if you don't live in this city, stinks. The train is up there you can't take the train you'll get murdered

I should have fucking just taken the goddamn A train we're taking the train back clearly yes as you should leave the car

come back another day I took a loan out to park the car over here how much was the parking it's a hundred something bucks probably we'll pay for it I got it down to 55

I gave him a hand job did you yeah young Bobby dude yeah young Bobby hot Bobby yeah he had uncircumcised so I knocked it down to 55. I gave him a hand job. Did you? Yeah. Young Bobby, dude. Yeah, young Bobby. Hot Bobby. Yeah, he had uncircumcised, so I knocked him down another 10. I was like, that's gross.

I'm not doing that. He was like, okay. Dude, look at that. Clean it out. Look at that hair you have. Yeah, that's American Indian Bobby right there. Wow, Theo Vaughn looks good. Yeah, that's sexy Bobby.

A little after that, though, when I had my... And you took it down, I think. What? I don't know. The what? The seller photo. The sexy one. Oh, that's a hot pic? Hot Bobby?

Hot Bobby's still there. No, no. Estee likes to rearrange. Well, I got... You know where I am with Estee. I love you in the E Street band. What is that? O-Town?

That's Rock and Roll Bobby. Toxic Rock. Dude, what about Eyebrow Bobby? Pointing Eyebrow Bobby Pointing eyebrow Bobby What is that That's sexy ball Bobby Who is that That's

Oh Damn There's Puerto Rico Bobby Puerto Rico Bobby How did you get your beard like that That is Dude it took a lot If you fucked it up

You had to start over too Wow Did you do it with a switchblade Yeah It's so nice Yeah look at that I'm hanging myself Because I'm so disgusted

You dousted like the hot dude in prison there oh yeah you got great skin look at those beautiful bones i do i do have great skin i think my great great grandmother fucked a filipino woman nice yeah how many women do you think you've laid in your day yeah how many have you bedded at the cellar in your day. Yeah. How many have you bedded? At the cellar?

Bobby? Yeah, let me tell you. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Colonel Curse. I'm going to stop you. That's doctored.

Now I'm fat. Somebody did something to that. He needs a doctor. Oh my God. That's not. That's not. No. Oh my God.

That was real. That was real. That's real. That's Brando. Yeah. That's in. Can Brando Yeah That's in I Can you make some more noise

I feel like I'm in a shitty comedy club right now Oh my god I'm in a fucking traffic I get this fucking shidrula Shaking a fucking drink The blender's next I'm sorry buddy Take your time

Yeah those are all That's doctor That's doctor No No way That's a good image That's real Bobby Oh no that's real That's a good image That's real Bobby Oh no that's real

That's fat How is that fat I was gonna die You were gonna die I went on the wall anyways You should be I want old Bobby dead That's not doctor

That's you need to go to a doctor Yeah Yeah I did And go to And get my stomach Thank God dude Cut down Was that scary

What get my stomach Yeah Tell us everything Well the operation was terrifying Because you know know, you want to do it. I did it, tried to do it for years. I couldn't do it. So finally, I was like, all right, I'm going to do this thing. But it takes a while.

You have to, you can't just go in and get it. Some doctors do that. But if you have a doctor that's like, yeah, come in Tuesday. I'll cut your stomach up. Don't do it, right? Wow. He answers his own phone. Yeah.

And there's a lot of people. Yo, what's up? What's up, dude? Yo, dude. I saw your special.

I'll be in Midtown. What's up, Matty? I don't want my doctor knowing my, like, following me on Instagram. But, there's people that have done it,

that we, it's like being gay. Because, all these people have done it, that I know, but they're not out. I came out. Good for you.

Thank you very much. I can't wait for you to do it. It's the same with the hair plugs. A lot of guys hide the hair plugs. I was going to say it's like the hair shit, right? But Soda and Mateo are very open about it. Oh, yeah.

Soda got him? Oh, yeah. He talks about it. Well, now he's out. Now he's out. It's in his act. It's in his act. Oh, okay, okay, okay.

You're that guy that outed the kid By accident growing up He's a Jew Get him I feel bad for Mateo I think I was the cause Of Mateo getting hair plugs

No no no What? Mateo was as bald as you are Well he was going One day we were getting I didn't notice it We were getting into it He always yelled it the right way

That shit was A master One day we were getting into it And I was like Listen buddy Your hair is going You did say that If you gain eight pounds You're out of the business You're done I made it like this shit was one day we were getting into it and i was like listen buddy your hair is going you did you gain eight pounds you're out of the business you're done i made it like this

you did say that i felt bad about that too he's such a funny guy and a hunk he's a hunk you're you're a perfectly uh perfect head that's my mother my mother takes care she rolled me every 20 minutes in the crib i swear to god really 20 minutes, you're supposed to roll the baby. If you just let the baby sit. I don't know about that shit. If you see a dude with a flat back head, his mother didn't care about him. Oh, no. She just was smoking cigarettes on the front porch talking to Helen.

I got a waterfall back here. It goes straight off a cliff. Your parents didn't care about you. Yeah, your mom does give great head. But, yeah. She does give great head. But yeah. She has mediocre head. I'm pumped for these. Beard you.

What are we drinking? I hope it's fucking good. Espresso martinis. Oh, God. Wow, looks great. Breakfast. I mean, this guy's real. Oh, he's a mixologist.

I mean, look at that fucking apron, man. He paid money for that shit. Yeah, he's got steampunk jewelry and everything, right? There's leather on that. Holy shit. What's going on with the rings there? What do those say? They don't say anything.

They just say, don't fuck with me. Oh, shit. Well, there you go. That's the end of that fun. He doesn't have an excess of rings on. They're fucking with each other. Nothing's tougher than a guy in an apron. You can't fuck with a guy with a hairline like that.

That's a beautiful Russian hair. That is legit. Are you Russian? Yes, I am. Oh, perfect. This is great. And Ukrainian, so don't. Oh, great.

That's awesome. Yeah, I guess. This is the guy you want in a comedy podcast. This is the guy who's going to spice things up. Yeah, I dare you to say you don't like that drink. You got the little bean in the top, too, the garnish. Oh, that's great, man. Well done.

This is fancy. Thank you very much. Now what do you do for the rest of the time? To Bobby's health. All right. Let's toast to Bobby's health. Thank you so much. You're being back.

We love you. We're so glad to hear it. Glad you're healthy. New special out. Check out his new special. Killbox on louisck.com. Yes. One of the funniest dudes in comedy.

One of the hardest follows. Please check this out. louisck.com. Oh, shit. That's so good. There's cinnamon. Sorry. I got distracted by the cinnamon.

Hey, Liz, you want to shut up while they're doing my plug? No, no, no. I got distracted by the cinnamon. What an ass. Oh, my God. Out of anybody who supports me. It tastes like cake. This is delicious.

This is so weird. Bobby, you would have been distracted, too. This is delicious. Oh, this is have been distracted too. This is delicious. Oh, this is really alcohol and food. This is what you want to do to me on this podcast? Sorry. Oh, that's delightful. Watch your penis.

It's so sweet. That is ridiculous. No dairy at all. Wow. I'm going to need another one. Oh, yeah. Mark sees Liz last night. The seller is like, do you think you can handle day drinking?

As he's saying it, she's got an Aperol Spritz this tall. I think so, yeah. Oh, no, actually, it was a martini. It was a big martini. Yesterday was a martini day. She was drinking a pint glass martini. Oh, yeah. And it was not her first, I don't think.

No, and you were in the basement alone. The second. I got to come back. You know I haven't worked a cellar in over a year. What? I have been on the cellar stage in over a year. Why? Is this because of the operation?

No, no, no, no. Because I went away for the summer. I've been on the road. I got a family. Yeah. It's like I go and I do Tuesdays, and I don't need to. Friday and Saturday night, I've been on the road for months. months and then you come home and you want to spend the Friday and Saturday COVID fucked and ruined me.

Yeah. Up until then, I was, I was there at least three times a week on weekends. If I had a weekend off, I'd be there at least four or five shows. I lost, like, I don't even know how to be funny anymore. Like, I don't know how to write a joke. lost like i don't even know how to be funny anymore like i don't know how to write a joke i have a bunch of things that i write down but i don't know how to take it to i don't know how it becomes a joke anymore come on you'll get it right back you go up two three times you put out a special i but i did a special but it's i have nothing left yeah but

that's how you always feel after a special you just put out one out too yeah it's the worst feeling in the world I got gigs coming up And now The curve Fear is good I think it's a good motivator It's good to have nothing Because you have to figure it out

You have no choice But to figure it out Yeah I think I guess so I mean But it's a Fuck like I gotta go this weekend

To Cleveland And it's like Oh yeah Hilarities Hilarities Top five club in the country Top five I think it's in there

Great club First one. We don't count the... Can't count cellar or lake clubs. I'm talking like road clubs. Side splitters. Side splitters in the mix. Solid.

I would say top five. Bobby loves that. Great club. I love it. Side splitters are great. I love side splitters, but hilarities is like... Everybody loves hilarity. Hilarity is great. Comedy works it's everybody works hilarious great comedy works i would say but comedy works in denver yeah yeah but she don't work me no more so i gotta take her out

of my head so she's gone i love wise guys i don't know isn't that weird i have no idea that is the worst i mean work there consistently great club was cool but then it's funny because we're all gonna have beef with one of these clubs right i love madison madison love madison top five yeah top five hilarious has got to be in there just top five okay top five top five but then there's a couple sleepers like uh utah i love utah what does that one call wise guys that's a great club wise guys the fucking man i love wise guys wise guys a great club that tempe improv Improv is solid. I don't know. I just did CB Live and I liked it. Oh, really? I really liked that club.

I just did Stand Up Live. I love all those. I like those three clubs. Phoenix is cool, man. Stand Up, that's all brands. We won't have balls. Let's talk about the top five suck clubs right now. Oh.

I remember a club I did called Looney's with two E's. Colorado Springs. Wow. One of those clubs where all week the guy was like, you going to drink? And I was like, I'm just not feeling great. He goes, come on, have a beer, you pussy. And I was like, all right, fine.

So I started drinking. Then he hands me a bill for all the drinks. Same thing happened to me at the Funny Farm. I'm working the club. Yeah, Funny Farm in Youngstown, Ohio. Suck my ass. That guy, he upsold me. He's like, you got to get the swordfish.

And he's like, here's a good wine that goes get the swordfish and he's like here's a good wine that goes with the swordfish i'm like okay you know i'm the comic here and then he gives me a bill for 200 bucks no way yeah that was like half my my pay jesus christ youngstown ohio famous for their swordfish yeah exactly good yeah landlocked what is it i any club with the guy's name in front of it. Vinnie Brand. Nah, Stress Factory's solid. I love Stress Factory, yeah. Not Bridgeport, but. Oh, that one, holy shit. If you do Bridgeport, Stress Factory,

at least one show, you're gonna get near attacked. There's gonna be heckling that borders on the point. I mean, I got chased off stage in Bridgeport, Connecticut. Really? At the little Bijou Theater. Someone chased me off the points. I mean, I got chased off stage in Bridgeport, Connecticut. Really? At the little Bijou Theater. Someone chased me off the fucking stage. They were right. Vinny's Club?

No, it was at a different venue, but it's like, that's the vibe. Bridgeport's tough. Well, they keep saying, oh, dude, it's coming back. It's not. Where's the camera? That camera? It's not coming back. Guess what, Connecticut?

Bridgeport, you're what you are. You're like my mother. You ain't ever gonna change. That's it. That's it. That's a man who's in therapy right there. Yeah, he's goddamn right. It's not coming back. It's not coming back. I don't care how many brew houses. They think they had a brew house

and a nice breakfast place with lesbians and said, town's coming back. That only happens in New Hampshire. Right. That only happens in New Hampshire. Right. That only happens in the woods. In Vermont. Portsmouth, New Hampshire

is like a cute little city. Portsmouth is great. It happens in woodsy towns. Yeah. You can't take an urban city that fell down. You can't make Detroit,

you can't take a couple gays and three lesbians and make Detroit have a big comeback. Yeah, they can save a neighborhood but not a city. Yeah, you can save a neighborhood with a piece have a big comeback yeah they can save a neighborhood but not a city yeah you can save it with a piece of pizza you can save a certain

section detroit pizza yeah but you can't walk out the door you have to get right into your car yeah right seamless that's what you do let him get shot yeah yeah you can't yeah you'd always be the always be the first person to walk out never be the middle press like snakes the middle guy gets bit you know right yeah dude when you come out of a place in a bad neighborhood get to the car all right don't be the second or third guy because that's the guy they're like i get go go go go go the first person's the guy who gets yeah right no first yeah no no no no they when you're outside and you see a gang of kids or something like that they're gonna notice right they're gonna be like yeah man fuck that what

the fuck was this shit you're by there at the car you're just talking about what's going on they're gonna go to you hey and you'll go what huh come here what and you'll walk over i don't know why why we we just walk over you ever have somebody do that some fucking lunatic go come here for a second you walk over what what's wrong i've been there and then they knock the books out of your hand yeah because they don't have they don have, they've never been beaten up. It doesn't, in their head, they're not like, this guy might need some help. Right. Did you ever do that when you were a kid?

Like, hey, hey, come here. And then kick the shit out of someone? A hundred percent. Yeah. Really? That's why you know it's the middle. And I feel, I still feel, I still feel bad about, because let me just say this. I got beat up a lot.

I got really abused by kids a lot this I got beat up a lot I got really abused by kids a lot I got beat up all the time I used to have to hide in 6th grade I would I was full

we were all wrestling one day and one of the kids got hurt and he told his older brothers that were in 7th and 8th grade oh shit they all would every day for months

I would I would have to they would dismiss us i would go into the bathroom and hide look out the window and you'd see kids in the bushes waiting for me and then i'd hide under the stairs until like three and then i'd i'd make my way home every day i walked home and fear like i was gonna get killed yeah until seventh grade and then seventh grade this kid used to i mean i just get you know picked on bullied and there's one blonde kid it's always like a always a ginger you know yellow teeth and braces you know that fucking christmas story douchebag yeah the white trash kid yeah it's always

that yeah that just irish asshole right uh he got me in the hallway but i broke my wrist and i had a cast on my wrist uh and you broke it hitting him no I broke my wrist and I had a cast on my wrist. You broke it hitting him? No, I broke my wrist playing. Then he had a weapon. Yes. He got me in the hallway. I was going to the bathroom and he got me in between the stairs and then there's the door and then the hallway to the classes.

What am I, a fucking hallway? so uh yeah he got me in there and i i i got so so so it all just came out i just started beating the fuck out of him with my cast until it was bloody and he was crying and i walked away and i don't ever fuck with me again i went back to class and i was just shaking and then over the pa you hear uh anybody with a cast on their right arm please report to the office so i went to the office it was like two other kids with cats crying and i walked in with blood all over my i was like i did it whoa yeah that's a tough lineup right there to get out of yeah yeah no i i did that stuff and then i hung out with kids i mean the kids i hung out with i was 13 hanging out with 30 yearyear-olds. Damn. And I was hanging out at parks with these drug addicts.

Kevin Spacey. I was waiting for him. What is that? So it's Kevin Spacey. I was like Epstein or Spacey. Which one's he going to pick? I was just watching. Yeah, dude.

I got beat up a lot. We used to drink at my park. We'd have potion night. So the oldest guy. Just like Kevin Spacey. that's actually bill cosby they would um the guy would go down everybody would give all your money a dollar five dollars whatever you give it to the big guy mikey cats he would go down 30 year old guy he'd go down and buy mudslide mixes all kinds of mixed drinks they called the potion night he would come back

and you get cheese cups and he would mix all these like you. He was you except he murdered people. Not that you don't murder people. I understand. He's killed a few hookers. Tell about your fucking John Wick beard. But he would make drinks and he'd give you a drink

and he'd walk around. And when he'd go, here's how we know how, you had to drink, you had to trug it. What's a cheese cup? Cheese cup, red cups. Oh, like a red solo cup.

Those were Italian, I've never heard anyone call that a cheese cup. Well, that's what they were for back in the Italian delis. They would put grated cheese in those. Oh.

So we called them cheese cups. Look, Kasha's Bakery had the cheese cups. You get those. And if you didn't drink your drink, he'd fucking, you'd get punched in the face. What did he say to make here's how we know how we'd all have to just drink whatever

was in you how as much as it was the cult i'm 13 shrugging down these drinks and if he looked in your cup and saw a little bit left he'd wrap you right in the head i mean these are the guys i hung out with right at 13 he was 30 30 yeah and then other people in this group were like how old were they 18 20 25 and we we hung out this park uh at night during the day it was a regular park for kids at night it was our little gang or whatever not gang but it was all the italian kids hung out there and we would hang out and just drink and do drugs all night and and and fuck with other fuck with people you know yeah if you walk through that park at night, it was a scary thing. Are you in touch with any of these people still?

No. Once in a while, they came to the cellar. Two of them came to the cellar one night, and they were fucking trashed. They were like, fucking Bobby, we saw your fucking name, dude. What the fuck? And I got them in the cellar. Guys, you got to calm down. I will calm down.

We'll calm down. Who you fucking here, dude? And I got them. I said, you gotta calm down I will calm down We'll calm down Who you fucking here dude And I got him I said stand in the hallway They watched me go up And they were like What the fuck They were nuts

And they were like We gotta go They didn't We gotta go They were like We gotta go We're getting some They were doing drugs

And all fucked up But yeah They're walking up to an old lady Finish that drink I mean dude They taught me At I think 11 No 12 How to drink alcohol Like you would get a pint I mean dude They taught me At I think Eleven

No twelve How to drink alcohol Like You would get a pint Or a half a pint Of Soco And they This guy

Jake Gagliotti Taught me how to One sip it So you drop your tongue So that That's how you suck dick If it doesn't hit your tongue Different story

Well I taught him How to suck dick You got me a drink This is very similar We're on the same text tree yeah yeah but if you drop

your tongue it doesn't hit your tongue you don't taste it you don't gag got it I could one sip a pint really

I could do a half a pint of my drink was Alan's 101 pep mishnops and a rack of toss oh my what

I would half sip you were 13 go easy on me I guess so but schnapps is hard I'd rather love it no but schnapps and a rack of talls oh my what i would have said you were 13 go easy i guess so but schnapps is hard i'd rather love you like no but schnapps is sweet like when you kick peach schnapps same peppermint schnapps pepman schnapps i had a saying uh alan's 101 uh w pleasure w fun w vision with alan's 101 nice and we thank you and then uh good, what are you doing here? You got a future in ad sales. You're a poet. Yeah, I remember that.

And I used to drink Wild Hour's Rose. What is that? That's, they're called bum juice. Very cheap. It's like. Like a whiskey? It's whiskey and wine mixed. Yikes.

Oh my. Yeah, but you can get a gallon of it for wine. Whiskey and like 250. Right. So when you're 13 and you know. Oh, it's like Mad Dog 2020. Yeah it's Mad Dog

Mad Dog 2020 same thing. It's syrupy I know that stuff. I hate that shit. That right there I used to get that and I would hillbilly it

I would just whip it on my shoulder drink half of it be fucked up for the night. Damn. Yeah I drank a lot of that shit right there. Remember the kids

who would do the peppermint schnapps and just pour Hershey syrup in it and make a peppermint patty? No I didn't know about that. It was fucking disgusting but it tasted pretty good i don't know but then you're like did i just get drunk on peppermint it's like you feel horrible of course it's all sugar but it's dude it's it tasted pretty good what's that drug that you take that uh what's

that drug you take it you don't get a hangover that doesn't heroin heroin you don't feel the hangover yeah you don't feel any pain. No regret. You just keep going. It's great. I feel I hate myself the day after these. Oh, yeah. And the day before.

Yeah. But I saw heroines up in the village. I saw like a couple heroines last night. Oh, they are everywhere. They're doing it. I got out to do Jim and Sam a couple weeks ago, and the guy was just doing it. Two dudes just shooting up right there at the parking lot.

On 9th Ave. It was Opie. It just sucks. That's a shame. I don't know why that made me feel bad. I didn't feel good when I said it either. Dopey. All right.

Yeah, heroin's up. It's all up. It feels like old New York again. Subway slasher, guy at McDonald's with the fucking hammer. It's getting wild out there. Yep. It was a stampede at the Halloween parade. What do you mean a stampede?

Just a bunch of guys running. Somebody take their dick out. It's got an energy back. I know it's a little dangerous, but you do feel out it's it is it's got an energy back i know it's a little dangerous but you do feel like it's kind of fun again it does feel like a video game down there it's gta it's not fun no i mean no i mean i understand because i was here in the 90s yeah and it was still fucked up um this is on the way to getting it's like that again but i think it's a little worse than that yeah because back then we had Giuliani Yeah Who was

Literally just setting up A mobile cop unit At Washington Square Park Really Yeah And it got so bad though With Bloomberg They were giving out tickets

For being too loud What They went too far Yeah It was a loud ticket Well this is now The opposite end of that Spectrum

I mean literally like On Bleecker Street Yeah It's just dudes just needles in every part of their body yeah just heroin nodding yeah they break into my building all the time really all that's scary that'll stop waving oh yeah what happened in your building what happened there was someone in the building recently that you saw yeah there was they're like all the cellars are connected in those old tenement buildings so someone went in like two blocks away and came out on the kitchen at carbone and was like what's up whoa that's hilarious like rats they're just popping up

everywhere yeah me and billy burrow lived on 97th i think in 97 or 98 and i we would come out on our stoop in the morning and there was a regular chick would just be shitting underneath our stairs and she'd be like don't worry baby i'm gonna pick it up and she would she'd like a dog would just scoop it up with her hand and take it with her and i'm like thank you she's wanted a little cubby hole to take a shit yeah she'd want to do it between you know two buicks so you should have invited her in oh my god yeah me and billy used to hang out we used to do our laundry in the projects like two blocks up we'd have to go on the projects to do our our 97th and what 97th between the third and lex oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah i mean taking the train home from the city to walk to Astor Place, wait seven hours. And take the local. I mean, there was no AC trains back then. Well, you get the express. You can get it on 96. Oh, there you go. 96th Street. Oh, late, yeah. 96th Street.

Go to the bodega, grab a little treat, and then go back over to the stoop. That was dangerous over there. I thought you guys lived in the- Hell's Kitchen. No, the Italian, Little Italy. No, we lived in Hell's Kitchen. kitchen no the italian little italy no we lived in hell's kitchen i'm billy moved to hell's kitchen joe derosa moved in with billy and i bought an apartment on 47th in hell's kitchen uh-huh and we lived there for i lived there for a long time was it gay then

because it's super gay it's newly what do you think i moved there for my wife was hot it's pretty newly gay i mean it's not not anymore now it's families it's like oh really turning did they call it still pretty gay hell's kitchen they call it healthy now what yeah it's healthy is that where you live yeah yeah but i mean i see gay flag gay bars it's still gay okay oh it's gay i had a gay club across the street from my house, which I had a joke in my act about, where I said, if that was a regular guy banging every night, Tony, you fucking get the fuck in the car. The gay club is so quiet.

You don't even hear him. Every once in a while, the door opens like, you spin me. And that's it. I remember that bit. I remember it seemed to be a bit like back in the day. I felt bad. Me and Patrice one night Patrice would drop me off

some nights and we pulled up one day and in front of us we felt so bad about this but in front of us there was a a car just rocking just someone was fucking

in this Toyota the windows were steamed and it was rocking and then this old guy just stuck his head up and looked around. And then this young little twink was like looking around me like, oh, shit. So we called the cops.

What? Poor big girl. Not because they were gay. We didn't realize. We felt bad. We just called the cops to fuck with them as a joke. So the cops pulled up. Somebody's having sex and blah blah blah and they

pull up and they walk up to the thing and they knock on the window and he looks in and he just spins around and went back into his car but then they got out we were like ah this old dude was getting some nice dick yeah and we fucked it up we were like we felt we almost talked to him like hey man we're sorry We did it Your cock blocks Yeah we cock We literally cock blocked These two guys I felt bad

But fuck Dude It was a different time Go get a room Right Go fuck in the bathroom A good car bang Every now and then

Is fun That's my favorite line You ever see Meet Wally Sparks With Rodney Dangerfield He walks up to a couple Making out at the dance floor He goes

You two should go get a room Then he walks up to a fat couple dance he goes you two should go get a warehouse that's a great joke classic yeah but that street i lived on had a crazy house across the street from it and they would the they would uh now those guys are all on the street but they would walk around the street all day long just screaming shit and yeah yeah i confronted a guy one time because he was just like screaming at me. And I was with my wife and he's like, what the fuck are you?

I'm like, shut the fuck up. Then I called the place. I go, you guys out front. And they were like, hello. I'm like, the guy, they're like, hello. They were just fucking with me. He's probably getting six bucks an hour. He's like, hello.

And I'm like There's one of your people out front Fucking And I started to get you know Crazy I was like dude Fucking with citizens I used the word citizens

Of New York Who does that mean? And all of a sudden he went Hello I was like It might have been one of the guys The crazy motherfuckers Answered the phone

But if it was the staff At what point were you laughing at that? At the fourth hello. I was like, this motherfucker. At the fourth hello, Bobby's just red. But I was enraged and laughing at the same time. Because I didn't want to give up. I wanted to get him.

And then he went, hold on. And he just never came back. So I called again, and he went, hello. Oh, dude. I missed it years ago. I did a thing. I booked a flight on something called Cheapo Air. And he just never came back. So I called again and he went, hello. Oh, dude. I missed a, years ago, I did a thing. I booked a flight on something called Cheapo Air. I know Cheapo Air.

Cheapo Air. It used to be, so it's not Expedia. It's cheaper because you get Connect flights sometimes, but they'd be different airlines. So if you missed a flight, you're rolling the dice. Neither airline's accountable. You're just fucked. So I remember doing a festival in Grand Rapids. I missed a Connect flight. I'm freaking out. I go to complain. I think it was Delta. And they're like fucked so i remember doing a festival in grand rapids i missed the connect flight i'm freaking out i go to complain uh i think it was delta and they're like we're

not doing anything and the guy just he's just laughing at me because he's like cheapo hair and i was like fuck you dude i was so mad and he just kept looking at me like this like and him just holding that laugh i saw i got me yeah i was out like 583 bucks and i was still fucking i was like that it's pretty funny just like if I take myself out of this it is pretty funny how dumb I am yeah cheapo air Jesus Christ it is funny when they get you at the airports those people

are professional at making you snap and stepping back I mean they have no poker face better than wives because they have all the chips they're holding all the chips. There's nothing you can do. They literally read like TSA

and then they'll have you arrested. There's federal shit behind them. No, the thing they have to do is get you to swear. That's it. Or threaten them. Once they get you to swear. You're out.

Doesn't take much. Once they get you to go, you fucking bitch. Yeah. I'll fucking murder. You're done. You're never getting tackled by a bunch of people.

Yeah, that's all their goal is. Is to go. they do it. It's all tone. It's like you it's like your wife for you My help you excuse me. Oh, no, that's fine. You can do that. Is it fine? You fucking do you know what it's the head tilt because I do it I literally do it. Uh-huh. No, it's the it's the it's the waiting It's this At the airport Where they're like this One second Ah the clicking

One moment please And you know She's not doing nothing There's nothing She's hitting buttons Yeah I missed my first flight ever Yeah

Coming out of Skank Fest No I had first class Coming out of Skank Fest You were the only one I went to I went to I got the bump

I got your seat I got the bump. I got your seat. I got your seat then. I was so mad. Just the eight juggalos walking right past you. Right, right. A lot of fingerless gloves on that foot.

This just happened. It just happened. I get... Skankfest was awesome. Yeah. It was so great. It looked amazing. I heard it was great.

It was so... It was one of the best festivals I've ever been to. The way it was set up, the rooms were all connected, heard it was great It was so It was one of the best festivals I've ever been to The way it was The way it was set up The rooms were all connected But it was huge Outside

It was awesome Hell yeah The clip of you Norton Attell And everyone I mean that looked so fun It was fucking great

Can I just say though The most respectful Amazing comedy fans I've ever The best crowd Fucking seen The best I mean I went to that show

That you did with Tony Woods, Attell. The Legends. The Legends show. And Voss, but he hosted. He was not a legend. He's just a legend in his own shirt. I have that shirt. Not one person filming.

Not one. They don't? Not one. And I'm standing by the bar and that's like I see that shit. I can't turn it off. They're the best fans ever. Not I'm standing by the bar. They love comedy. And that's like, I see that shit. I can't turn it off. They're the best fans ever. Not one phone app. Easily. The best fans ever.

Because they listen to the podcast. They're more sophisticated fans. Yeah. Comedy fans have become smarter. Hard fucking core, man. They love you. They're podcast fans too, though. Hard core.

Right. They love the podcast from us talking about what a good fan is. They've kind of, all right, cool, I can do that. And those fans are the best. I had such a great time. I get in, the car comes, I get to the airport, I go to the, I have the Platinum, so I have the Centurion Lounge.

Whoa! That is banger, yeah. Never been in there. Dude, they got fucking risotto. I mean, it's nuts. You know, we could, i don't know about that centurion lounge in vegas you didn't like it breakfast was not everything i hope for and more i feel like we're married right now i mean you really just jump i mean i'm trying to build the

story go ahead we're going i'm going from fucking skank fest fans uber came centurion loud we're going. I'm going from fucking Skank Fest fans, Uber came, Centurion, we're building. And you just fucking jump. You're missing the flight either. Yeah, I'm getting there, but I had fucking my fucking comedy wife step in and went, the eggs are a little runny. Oh, fuck yourself.

Liz is like Mormon where it's like, you've got a lot of comedy husbands. You've got a lot of people that annoy you. A lot of us annoy you. So I get, I'm in the lounge i take american airline uh which i hate i do delta terrible horrible airline i'm for isis here's why they're fucking terrible yeah on the app delta app it says boarding departure yes on american airline it says departure land oh i don't give a fuck when I get there.

I want to know when I need to be at that stupid gate to get on before all these fucking savages start panicking for overhead space. And they close the door on you. And they close the door. I looked at 850. That was departure. I show up, 850. The plane's still there.

And she's going, you know. and get new keyboards by the way we don't need that right it's so loud oh i mean get an apple keyboard on a fucking dell what is this 1997 gateway yeah they want the click they like it they want to go old fashion it's annoying hear that oh it's so annoying. And they're just typing in, this guy is a piece of shit. He's on Facebook. I'm going to make him snap. Fuck him. Fuck all his family. I hope he never sees his kids again.

That really is annoying. I go, the plane's right there. Can I just, I start begging. You know, you beg first. Can I please? And then it goes into lying. I got to meet my kid. He's got cancer.

It's a make-a-wish. He just lost a leg in a bullfight. So, no. Sir, I can't. No. 15 minutes, they say. It's right there. Just open the door.

I'm here. They love it. They live for this. She looks up. She goes, I already gave your seat away. Oh! No! My stomach. first class seat oh you know dave smith sitting there like

and and then as i i get more she starts controlling the situation more she knows the powers in her and she goes back to the keyboard. She starts typing and looking up every once in a while. Sir, I can try. I can try to get you on the next flight. Because now I'm pissing her off. So I'm like, ugh. So I got to go.

I got to swallow it. I got to swallow it. Or attack her face. Bite her Achilles off. Right. I got to really maim her so she'll never forget this. You either have to hit her with a smile or you have to say, is your mother a piece of shit too?

Yeah. You have to pick one. You have to pick one. You have to do that. Is she white? No, she's- You hope for white just so there's not an extra weirdness. You don't want there to be like a racial barrier.

You heard Mark here first. American Airlines only hire white people. Yes. Yeah. And you get 20% off Yeezys right now at adidas.com. I'm just saying, if she's black and you're yelling at her, it's a different look. What are you going to say about Jews? Jesus Christ.

I don't know what she was. I think she was Asian, if that matters. All right, Asian's fine. You can yell at an Asian. Nobody cares about that. He's trying to fucking muffle you out right now. You know what I'm talking about. Also, that glass is still up at the airport,

so you have to do the fucking thing where you yell through the hole there. What airport are you at? What airport? I fly out of Newark. I just tried to say yes. It's a little dicey. That's gone.

Bulletproof glass. Come on, catch up. All right, all right. And then she puts me on the wrong flight. She puts me on a flight that left Sunday. Thank you. So she fucked me totally. So she fucked up.

No, she fucked me again because I was being an asshole. Thank you. She put me on a wrong flight. So I called Dawn panicking. I'm like, I got to go. I'm going to Austin. I'm going to do Segura and Rogan. Oh, you can't miss that. So I'm like, I got to go. I got to get there. I'm such a, gotta go. I'm going to Austin. I'm going to do Segura and Rogan. Oh, you can't miss that.

So I'm like, I gotta go. I gotta get there. I'm such a, I'm gonna lie about my kid having fucking, you know, monkey pox. And then you say, I'm on Rogan. She's like, I'll get you on the next one. You should have said that. I know, that's a bigger deal. I'm on Rogan. She's never heard of your son. Will you talk about the benefactors of ginseng? Please bring that up.

I love elk and aliens. Dude, I had the same thing happen to me on american airlines they fucked me it was when i was coming from rogan and i was flying to i had to go from uh austin to vermont so we had to connect in philly and i know i'm not going to make the connection like the the flight's on the ground too long so i sprint to the gate and as i get there the woman's shutting the door i scream please don don't shut it and she looks at me and goes I'm sorry and shuts the fucking door I was like why no

I said please and she goes I can't do anything now that the door is shut I was like you shut it you fucked me I missed the gig they're bad people I lost my shit that lady is a saint thank god

thank god no one's filming. That lady is a fucking saint. I was looking around. I go, no. I was just screaming in the airport. They were like, this is a good. It was literally the day my special came out. I was like, I'm about to go viral. Welcome to show business.

For getting arrested. For airport behavior. I put my foot in the door once, and the lady looked me in the eye and she goes, if you don't move your foot, I'm calling security. I was like, come on, it's not closed yet. She got me.

What is the closed thing? It's just a made up bullshit. What is it? Is it Minecraft and it's like another universe happened? Why is it with the closed fucking thing once they close the door? It's 9-11 shit.

What is that? Is it? No, but it's before that. Is he the resident genius? Yes. He does look like it. He looks like the guy in the closet in Real Genius. What's his name?

Pull him up, too, while you're at it. Let's get that visual. God damn. Salamanca. Now you frazzled him. He can't Google. I'm going to get you guys the new shirt I have. Fuck the check spot.

Oh, I love it. We got to get rid of I'm going to get you guys the new shirt I have. Fuck the check spot. Oh, I love it. We got to get rid of the fucking check spot. So people, if you don't know what the check spot is, it's when they drop checks while a comic is on stage.

Not a comic, the comic. The headline. They paid for a... There he is. Oh, there you go. I always wanted that guy. Oh, that's funny.

Dude, the guy, they flew there. They flew there. They're paying all the money. The people came to see. That's a great point. They came to see.

What you're going to do, you're going to give the best spot of the night to the local middle guy. 100%. Who does 25 minutes. God bless you. I love feature acts. I know it's a feature, not a middle. You're welcome, Rich Voss. Right?

But you get the best spot. So the guy goes up, warms him up for 10, 15 minutes. Then you're going to give that guy the primo fucking spot. And he's selling merch. They're not too drunk. I hate that. They're not too drunk. They're focused.

They're ready to laugh. And you're going to put him up for 25 minutes. Right. And then bring me up at the end, right? And right when I'm going to, 15 minutes before the movie's going to end, everything builds up. I got him. You're going to send a fucking team, a horde of waitresses

that could give a fuck about me or stand up. They're just trying to get to a cigarette or a joint or a drink somewhere. They want the fuck out, which I understand. God bless them. God bless them all because it's a fucked up job to do. They're going to just pass this. And the good ones are like on another level. Like if you're a quiet wait staff like we fucking notice it and we appreciate it.

100%. That's a tough gig. I had a girl give me the finger at CB Live. First of all, she walks out in the front. Okay, now you said it here. I'm texting Brandon. I'm telling him. I'm telling him. Walks out in the front. Okay, now you said it here. I'm texting Brandon. I'm telling him. I'm telling him. Walks out in the front. I got a video of it.

I got the video. Yeah, put the video. Send me the video. You want me to send you the video? Send me the video. I'm sending it. I'm going to bring up the video, and you can send it to yourself. Yeah?

I don't know how that works. I don't know what that meant. What does that mean? What are you talking about? I'm going to give him my phone. Oh, that's okay. So he can do it. Because I don't want to go, what is it? Brandon 765. What does that mean? What are you talking about? I'm going to give him my phone. Because I don't want to go, what is it? Brandon 765. Can you also send it to me so I can send it to the club?

Yeah. All right. But this is my question with the check spot that I don't understand. You have one show on a Saturday night. Yes. The next show is an hour later, half an hour later. What the fuck are they dropping the checks in the middle of your shit for? They don't have anything else after.

The seller doesn't do it and you guys have like 10 shows. Seriously, there's no point. I don't understand the logic of it. I asked the club owner because I said, hey, can we do no check spots? He goes, what do you want? What do you want this week? I'm a big fan. We sold some tickets. What do you want? I go, no check spot. He goes, we can't do that.

He's like, we'll give you champagne in the green room, whatever. I'll tell you why. Yeah. He goes, A, we don't have a bouncer here. So people could just run out. I'm like, nobody's going to run out. Secondly, he goes, it fucks over the wait staff. Why?

Because people tip less after. No, they don't. Which I'm like, that's bullshit. That's bullshit. And then at the end he goes, we just don't want to do it. We know how to do it this way. We don't want to change. Want me to drop it to you?

Let me. Okay. It's all about change. They're just used to doing it a certain way. They don't want to change. That We know how to do it this way. We don't want to change. It's all about change. They're just used to doing it a certain way. They don't want to change. That's it. That's all it is. It's laziness too. Also, hire a fucking bouncer. Well, that too. Are you kidding me? Just put the fucking bartender at the door. You don't need a bouncer.

Here's how you solve the fucking problem. You need a bouncer at a comedy club. Here's how you solve the problem. Ready? You take the host. He goes up and does 10's how you solve the problem. Ready? You take the host. He goes up and does 10. Then you take the feature. God bless you. Go up and do 20.

You do 20. And then I go up and I do my time. I do an hour. As a headliner, I believe you should be doing an hour. Yeah. You do 45 minutes. Okay. God bless you.

I understand once in a while. But if you're doing 35 40 you're not a headline right right okay but go up and do your hour and then have the mc go back up and do 10 more minutes number one it gives him it makes him a better comic he's gonna go up do all your dumb ads they already know who he is he's the host he's the guy let him go up fuck with the people hey you had a good time how about that thing blah blah blah that's good let him go up. Fuck with the people. Hey, you had a good time. How about that thing? Blah, blah, blah. Make sure you tip your weight. Oh, that's good. Let him go up.

You're adding. So the time that they're still paying the checks that I'm not up there, they're just getting entertained. You're dropping all your bullshit. Instead of letting them know that a better comic's coming next week in front of me. Right? Hey, guys, Damon Wayne's coming next week. Oh, good.

Fuck, why don want to just give them their receipts now so they can have them do it that way they're they're bullshit these clubs they don't want to change that's it they don't want to fucking change this they're like an applebee's they just fucking churn out riblets and this and this is how we do it and fuck them i'm done with the check so unnecessary i love all the waitresses god bless him sure but then i'm not a fucking monkey you know i this girl was funny though she did give me the finger and it was kind of funny do we have it it made me laugh i can't wait to send this video but here's what the finger didn't bother me the finger made me laugh actually it really did

kind of arouse me watch this confidence she's in the not even a duck the chick the blonde is this from how long ago this is a week two weeks ago the blonde yeah it's the worst it's the worst she don't even bend down she don't give a fuck i mean stop pause that for a second having a blast doing this that look at she walked in front of everybody yeah and stood there like not even quickly right I mean and I'm just like wow good sorry not sneaky at all she's like fuck you fat boy keep going she threw up my show and you gave me the finger. Yeah, on her side, you fucking dirty Americans.

That's why this country's fucked. You see a vagina. Let's get behind it. Also, why does it look like she just came out of 7-Eleven in that outfit? Where is this? Phoenix. Oh, nice. Well, the problem is a lot of of people hire people who want to be comics

and so that to her that was like her moment i mean look she i don't i don't she made it funny and all that it's not i don't give a fuck about that and it and it relieved the pressure of it she was actually pretty cool but when you when you don't teach a staff to even duck down serve from behind from behind yeah you don't walk out. You're literally taking them. Do you understand how the joke works? I know. I gotta fucking get them into the story, the setup. And they're going, wait, who had the Mai Tai?

Hold on, wait, you only put two dots. That's comedy poison. Unbelievable. No other fucking thing do they do this in, by the way. And here's the nail in the coffin. Yeah, they don't do that at Hamilton, you know. Here's the nail in the coffin. I did a show, I did a gig once, I did an album there at this club. I'm not gonna by the way. And here's the nail in the coffin. Yeah, they don't do that in Hamilton, you know. Here's the nail in the coffin. I did a show, I did a gig once, I did an album there at this club. I'm not going to say the club.

What's it rhyme with? Say it. Comedy on hate. And it's a great club. I already knew it. This is your first album. Yeah, first album and second album. So then they go, alright, since you're doing a taping, we won't do checks, we'll do them after. So they can do it. That's the worst part is you basically told me you can do it. Anybody can do it. Don't tell me you won't do checks we'll do them after so they can do it that's the worst part is you

basically told me you can do it anybody can do it don't tell me you can't do it if the comedy seller does it the seller 17 shows a night oh my god sold out i taped a special the seller they didn't serve drinks everyone ordered drinks at the beginning two drinks everyone orders drinks at the beginning so there wouldn't be waitstaff in the fucking shot. They're fucking smart. And they know the show is the most important part. If you distract these people at all, it's going to fuck up the show.

Of course. If you let them watch the movie, they'll enjoy it. Yeah. You know what's great for comedy? Reminding yourself of your finances. That's what I want to think about right now. Or having some fucking Phoenix 7 walk in the front row while you're with your Phoenix 2 wife.

Can you imagine you're with Avatar 2, someone comes in, who got the Mai Tai screwdriver? Exactly. Old fashioned. We didn't leave tip on it, so if you want to leave good tip, shut up, move it.

Right, right. Do you have other peeves other things that are bothering you either you yeah i got i got a real i'm the peeve that's a good peeve why is he a peeve sam why is he a peeve why is he my pet peeve i just want to go off i come on it's every fucking day he does bobby i what do I do I want to get you I don't understand what I did I want to get you a little backpack And one of those boom boxes

With the hoops With the whole outfit It's very Chola today I know I slept in I slept in I don't understand what I did You're stupid

I don't understand We'll do Phil Hanley next Sam I'm telling you Bobby This is literally Every day of my fucking life Liz you mad Liz You mad Liz You mad Liz please And not I'm telling you, Bobby, this is literally every day of my fucking life. Liz, you mad? Liz, you mad?

Liz, you mad? Liz, please? And not P-L-E-A-S-E. He texts me P-L-S, which also fucking infuriates me. Just fucking write please, motherfucker. Write please. Yeah, Liz. Liz, please.

Liz, you mad? You mad? Why you mad? Why do you have anger issues? You mad? You're my fucking anger issue, motherfucker. Like every fucking, every day. He's needy.

Sam's really, really needy. You do the K as well. He's needy. You don't say, okay, you write K. You're like, come on, man. Give me an O. You have an iPhone. Really?

Yeah, the K is tough. Can I ask you? The K is tough. Are you mad? Because it does seem like you're. Cut the fuck up, Danny. I can't tell if you're mad or not. Shut up.

I love you. Shut the fuck up. I don't know what the problem is. You maybe come to Midtown. That also pills you. But whatever. We're getting your day drunk not. Shut up. I love you. Shut the fuck up. I don't know what the problem is. You maybe come to Midtown. That also pissed me off, but whatever. We're getting you day drunk. It's fun. There you go.

After this one, she's going to be in a better mood. You got that right. She's an espresso martini drinker. I do like the espresso martinis. For Liz, it was either Aperol Spritz, Dirty Martini, or Espresso Martini. I know what you're drinking. How good was the espresso martini at Arturo's? Arturo's, cold oven pizza.

Delicious. Great spot, right? You've never been there. Have? Arturo's, cold oven pizza. Delicious. Great spot, right? You've never been there. Have you been there? I've never been. Bobby. Oh, I should say this. I've never been invited.

Oh, you were on the road. My pet peeve. We'll go on the just salad next week and we'll bring it. It'll be killer. I always get invited too. You guys sneak away at night too. It bugs me. We do?

Yeah, you and fucking Liz and fucking Thin Phil. He is the... Yeah yeah you sneak away where's liz i don't know she's gone and you guys are at some fucking trendy spot sucking down something sticking something in your face yeah phil's talking about his dumb set or some watch he got and you're pretending to be interested and pretend to be his friend i don't pretend to be interested in the watch nobody does i've never pretended to be i'm not interested in watches at all yeah do you know if phil dies i get two of his rolexes wait when phil dies he told me i can't remember because it means nothing to me but i get i'll kill him if you give me one all right because i have no idea which i want the thunderbird or the thunder whatever the fuck it is are you a watch person person? Yeah. Yeah, show him, Bobby.

Holy shit. Show him, Bobby. It's beautiful. Liz and Phil actually came with me to get this. What? You're just trashing us. What am I going to do?

I'm trying to be funny. I'm going to fucking tell you how much I love the guy and how much we have in common. I'm not a big watch guy. I'm a huge watch guy. That's a great watch.

That's a diamond. But I'm worried. I just think like walking around with a Rolex, you're's a great watch but i'm worried i just think like walking around with a rolex you're like a fucking mark well you're a mark if you don't know what the fuck you're doing phil hanley's you know what i mean phil hanley is a mark yeah what's he get he'll bore somebody to death though we should jump him in a ski mask he showed up to philly like, I should bogey. No, if we corner Phil and we're just like, give me just a watch. I don't care about your phone.

Just your watch. He's like, ah. Then take it. But let me do the talking. Your voice is not threatening. I know. Because you sound like a kid trying to be, let me get the watch. Hand it over, mister.

Give me your fucking watch, you cocksucker. I'll fucking murder you right now yes now you fucking thin Canadian piece of shit oh you hit him in the face Sal Acuse

it worked it worked here's your wallet back dude I would be nice immediately if you went on for two more seconds he'd be sucking your dick I mean

what a well that was very that was fucking better than carrot topping threw a prop right at me genius let's do that to Phil yeah watch Phil Hanley's special ooh la la ooh la la Well, that was fucking better than Carrot Top. He threw a prop right at me. Genius. Let's do that to Phil.

Yeah, watch Phil Hanley's special, Ooh La La. Also watch Ronan Hirschberg's new special. Oh, and Ari's is out. Yeah, and Ari's special, Jew. I mean, but if you want to laugh, watch Kill Box on LouisCK.com. But if you really want to laugh, LouisCK.com, Bobby Kelly's new special. Yeah, watch that. I've seen it. You've got to pay for it, and that's why it's worth money. What is it, like $10?

It's nine something. Oh, there you go. I bought it. You bought it? I bought it. I'm gonna buy it. Here's the thing. I've boughten boughten? No. I've bought comedian specials. Thank you. Who have you bought? The guy in the closet. I bought Louis. I told you.

The fucking super nerd in the closet saved the day again. He's good. I bought specials Anytime it comes out I just bought Gillian Keeves Oh yeah I gotta buy that

I bought that It's so good I buy it We love Gillian I watch it on the road Or the plane Just to support You know what I mean

You gotta So you can still watch comedy A lot of people A lot of comics are like I can't watch any of the comedy I actually was becoming I think maybe six years ago That that bitter old fucking, what the fuck are they?

But now that I watch comics, I like comedy again. I actually, I watch comics and I'm like, wow, it's funny. Like, what's his name? Mateo. That asshole, man. Dude, he makes me, his jokes are fucking, he's so good. Yeah. And it's funny because I remember him when he first came in.

Right. It was all right. You know what I mean? So that's why I was kind of like, what the fuck? These young guys come in. Right. Even you guys. I watch your stuff and I'm like, this is a fucking great joke.

Like, I laugh out loud. I try to comment on it too, but I enjoy young comments now. You notice, right, like how people get funnier? It's wild. It's crazy, right? Yeah, you guys all get funnier it's it's wild it's crazy right yeah you guys all got funnier uh joe list oh he's a beast is so funny right night and day shit it's like yeah it takes time you know it's like you find yourself you get comfortable i mean it's a process but it's like i came out like when i first saw you guys i was here doing my thing and then i was like yeah and then i came out of it and all of a

sudden i'm looking at your comedy on instagram like the bits and i'm like that's fucking great so it's a weird feeling for me to be to see the i never i didn't see the transition it just happened yeah over time right so now you guys are all killers right it sometimes feels like I mean I see these Idiots every fucking day And it feels like All of a sudden today I'll be like Oh shit like when the fuck did this person get funny You know It's like all of a sudden the penny drops

And you're like what the fuck It's so crazy It's so To come back I gotta come back to the cellar But I'm nervous about spots the cellar I gotta start doing spots again gotta come back but I'm nervous about spots

you'll bomb I'll love it it'll be great I know but I'm so it's just good to be around that energy that comic energy

you just see people you're like even when you're not on stage being around comedians when I was out and I did the Rogan that he was like I'm doing the Vulcan tonight

you wanna go on I was like yeah but I was so nervous because I haven't really done spots. And they had all these young bucks in front of me. And they're going up. And they're great. Hilarious.

And then I went up. And I was like, you know, that thing. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, where you go to the cellar and Norton's on or someone's on. And they're crushing. And like, what do you want me to say? And then they're like, you do you want me to say? And then they're like,

you guys, you gotta, you know, slide on the stage and you're up there and you're like, fuck it, you touch the ceiling and then you get,

as soon as you get that laugh, you're good but I, on that stage with them, I was killing and I was like, oh my God, it's like,

it takes over. Yeah. Yeah. And then I was off and I was so jacked oh yeah i gotta go back to spots yeah comedy it's good it's a good skill set to have like you kind of get too caught up in the hour structure because you're writing a new hour and the bits get longer and it becomes harder and harder to do 15 but it's it's a necessary skill it's like auditioning to acting to getting

the gig to to booking the gig auditioning is a way different animal than actually acting. When you get the gig, it's a whole different thing you got to do. But when you audition for it, you got to go in that room, you got to look around, look at the people in the eyes, you have to kind of absorb their energy, take away their power,

kind of absorb it and be like, oh, this is my time right now. And who am I? I'm working with you hey what's up i'm rob what's your name great uh i'm gonna do this okay i'm gonna over here where's the camera take over yeah it's like a whole thing you have to do and then when you're ready go i'm ready can we start great you know do your thing and then do and then just you and that person until you're done and then you go great that's it like if you don't do that if you walk in and that's the way spots yeah like it's so much pressure and it means nothing only to you right no one else it's like it sucks when

you're doing a set and you just see someone you respect walk in the room and you're like fuck i'm working on shit dude i hate when comics come in and watch when i'm doing new jokes that feels like when comics watch the most how about when when they leave? I had De Niro walk out. What? I almost said something. I went, Bob! This next one's good. What happened? I had Ricky Gervais. I bombed

in front of Louie and Ricky. They were laughing at the bombs. Bobby bombs are the best. Bobby bombs are the best bombs. There's nothing better than seeing Lee. She has some sixth sense when I'm going to bomb. Yeah. She'll stand under the light.

Right at the Village Underground, there's one light. So if you look over, you'll just see her like this. Waiting, waiting. And just watching you just eat your own shit for like 15 minutes. And I got energy, so I'm like. And there's nothing. Dude, I was in the, I was fucking,

it was after your bachelor party, when we did the episode and we got shit faced. I can't wait to go to the wedding, man. It's gotta be awesome. We'd love to have you. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't get to fucking invite you. I sent it to Phil. That's his worst.

Did you do Rogan? No, not yet. We do Norman's. We do get wasted on the episode here. We go to an old homestead. We get drunk there. Then Mark and I end up at the cellar. I'm on stage struggling to get through the set.

And I just see Liz and Rachel Feinstein in the doorway. Oh, my God. The entire set, they're doing this. I'm just trying to keep a straight face. I'm struggling enough just to enunciate words. I think he winks at us at one point. Yeah, I did. I got a huge laugh. I looked at him, I go

That's a drunk little wink. We were like That was the worst. We were assholes. Why did De Niro walk out oh dude I just have no charisma

like I don't have it you know what I mean like is that the number one guy that like that's like who else would hurt

that much walking out I don't know it hurt that's like top of the fucking yeah that's happened to me a bunch of times

I mean Conan O'Brien people were doing a showcase yeah i stand up new york and as soon as i went on they walked out wow i fell to the floor what i just started talking to the ceiling i was just like i worked all week on this set as they're walking out because they told me that i might get a chance to get on conan o'brien and as i'm on this is i go god you hate me and i hate you god and i hate you back i was just talking to god and they were like that's jessica kirsten's

what you're doing right there that's new heart yeah dude it's happened but deniro was bad he came in to see people for that movie oh the movie yeah with k Kirsten. And he came and he was watching everybody. Wow. And they go, hey, give it up for Robert Kelly. And somebody, just all of a sudden, I saw a couple seconds, maybe 30, 40, maybe a minute or so. Hey, what's going on?

And I had nothing that caught his eye. Ah, man. Well, if it helps, the movie sucked. It just came for you? helps, the movie sucked. Is it Cape Fear? Yeah. The greatest laugh ever. Damn. I love when they spoof this in The Simpsons.

He was a very sweet man. Yeah, yeah. I got none of that. That's what I thought. I was going to get Cape Fear De Niro. Right. No, I didn't. I got the one where he was retarded in the chair with Robin Williams.

Awakenings. I got Awakenings, Robin Williams. He could be, I think, a great guy. where he was retarded in the chair with robin robin awakenings well i got awakenings i think a great guy but i also read like dude i've read he was such a dick to sybil shepherd on taxi driver like such a fucking dick deniro really oh taxi i thought he was probably i was thinking the show taxi deniro famously well he only likes black women to be honest well i think he just didn't think she could act don't you yeah yeah he well dude it's funny that he's a huge jim norton fan i know oh he was in the opening he's a special that's right he pulled that up huge norton fan and that's from that movie but

he was bobby he was so sweet he was like the nicest was he Was he? Really? I heard he was very sweet. I'm not saying he's good or bad. He was really. I'm blaming myself. I'm blaming the lack of it. Don't blame yourself. Honey, if you walk on stage, if you're there as De Niro looking for comedians for a movie about comedy and a guy gets on stage with me, hey, what's up, blah, blah, and it does nothing for your palate, you literally go you ready hey i'm ready and you walk out you don't got it yeah i would agree bobby you have it thank you you have it you have it yeah well type 2 diabetes is it not anymore

i'm so happy you're healthy It makes me happy Oh thanks man Yeah You'll be back Me too What the fuck Can we probably An actual cheese cup

With cheese in it I want to get on this wall No I have a gold medal We're not putting you on No But yeah DeRosa was here

Not bragging But we had him on And he was He was saying like I don't do spots in the city it's worthless i go on the road i do comedy shut up it's not that he doesn't do spray he can't he can't get spots oh yeah yeah i think he said that yeah he has liver spots at this point he's like i'm in 815 with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich right and uh yeah 1025 with a turkey

club yeah i'd rather be here than slinging sandwiches. You can't find it? I guess. Bummer. What is on Netflix? It's Norton's... The movie? Yeah, he... I heard that movie was terrible, though. Maybe he could have watched a little more Bobby. It's never too early to play holiday music,

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I'm not good with famous people, dude. I'm just not good. I'm not really either. Oh, you have the famous Jerry story. Oh, do tell. Oh, my God. Tell that story. That's a great story. Get your hands off me. I'm just not good I'm not really either who oh you have the Jerry the famous Jerry oh oh my god tell that story that's a great story get your hands off

I I was that a Rolex I can't have another drink I'll have another drink yeah you heard the lady I think everybody

heard that story no not on here tell it again it's the best story. I'm going to give you, you have to go buy my special right now. There you go. Buy his special right now and he's doing, and it's louisck.com.

Louis. Louis. Yeah, don't do Louis. Don't do Louis. There it is. There it is. There it is. Fourth of July, right there.

Stop the pop anymore? What the fuck? But you're in that movie too. Scroll down. Where is it? You were amazing in that movie. Where am I? Jesus. Oh my God. She got buried. Text somebody text that son of a bitch i love that you're i love that

you're under his special sorry right under his next special i fucked up i mean what's going on text you're texting right yeah i'm calling oh get him on speaker yeah this is leah call me we love leo though we love leo leo hey leo you're live on uh mark mark i'm promoting uh kill box uh that you are producer on hey leo executive and we're yeah we're promoting it but i sent them to we're sending sending them to louisck.com, but we can't seem to find where it is on, it was at the top and we don't know where it is at louisck.com. Hang on one second.

Louisck.com. And then I think it is. It's at the bottom. Go to where it says shows and specials. Oh, my. I'm not at the top. Home page. Home page.

I'm not on the home page. I'm making a call right now. I mean, I still got big. I got two weeks of promoting this special left. We're in the money. We paid. This is profit time, Leah. And you got that movie Fourth of July. I mean, that's over.

You're in Fourth of July, though. It did it. I'm in Fourth of July, but look at it. I didn't get any money out of that. Listen, me and Leah trying to make some cash. Fourth of July, I mean, good movie. Fuck your list. Fuck your list. That's a rip. It is no... That's a great movie.

Fourth of July is a great movie. It's a great movie. Get that. You can get Louis special. But go. I mean, we gotta have it. No, it's a great movie. Fourth of July is a great movie. It's a great movie. Get that. You can get Louis special. We gotta have it. It's a whole series. I bought it. It's great. It's a great show.

I steal cable. Go to Shows and Specials. It's right at the top. We're gonna get it back on the homepage. We're gonna have it right up on the site. Love you, Leo. It's number one tell the jerry signfield story please all right listen so i this is this is why and colin quinn if somebody famous comes in will take me out of the building he will say bobby it's time to go home in the middle of hanging out ray romano's anybody

famous comes in colin will go bobby it's time to go i'm funny goes bob we need to go and he'll take me outside and go because no he knows now he's good like that i'm bad with famous people oh okay so jerry's coming down with the um crew to film comedian comedian this is you know you remember j Jerry used to hang out a little bit? Yeah, yeah. I'm pretty scared to text him. I'm like you. Sam had to save it, be your friend. He's filming all this stuff. Jerry Seinfeld, I mean, he's the biggest comic in the world.

He's filming this thing. Cameras everywhere. I don't want anything to do with it. I don't want to be that guy. In my head, these are thoughts I had. I'm letting you in on the inside. I don't want, if that guy if in my head this these are thoughts i had i'm letting you in on the inside i don't want if we become friends to happen organically i don't want to be i don't want to be in this if you wanted me in this he'll have me in it i don't want to you know beg to be in it or kind of suck up to be in it i'm gonna you know what i mean yeah because there's

comics there that are just sitting at the table trying to have a combo to get in the fucking movie i stay away i don't even say nothing to him him he's filming it to respect his you know fame or whatever so one night i'm sitting there was talking about the rangers and we're talking about the year gretzky won did he was he there the one the year they won the stanley cup i'm saying yes i don't know they're saying no we're big bet going on doll i'll take a dollar he goes i'll take some of that action right there jerry jerry 20 million dollars right and a car his is the producers the camera guy i'll take all right so we have this organic connection my goal broke the ice we all right boom you're in you're in jerry's in bang so now i gotta go away i gotta do a gig i have to fly into buffalo it's an afternoon gig i have to hire my own they won't pick me up i have to hire my own

guy so i hire a guy shows up in a minivan with captain's chairs oh yeah okay i get in there's a vcr with headphones he's got headphones every episode episode of Seinfeld. This is that weekend. So he goes, I love Jerry Seinfeld. Well, I watch him all day long. I pick people up. He's all like whipped up. He goes, yeah, put it on. We'll watch.

It's a sign. So we're watching Seinfeld episodes. I'm in this thing in the back of a van. Like, you know, those 80s love vans. Oh, no. Get your old duct taped in the trunk. All right. I love Seinfeld.

So we go to the he takes me i take him to lunch because i i the show's at three o'clock you take the minivan guy to lunch i gotta go to lunch so he comes with me well there he's calling me jerry the whole time he's like i love it jerry i'm bobby he's like i know but i just love jerry i'm like okay this is sick. What is happening? This is like Kathy Bates in Misery. Yeah, right? We don't even have time. So the gig, I don't know this gig.

It's a college thing. It's outside. It's a beer fest. Outside. Bad news. After a metal band. In Buffalo. This keeps getting worse.

In Buffalo. On and off rain showers. Next to a skydiving simulator. So every five minutes, a jet engine will go off. On and off rain showers. Next to a skydiving simulator. So every five minutes, a jet engine will go off. A college student drunk will be just flying next to me. So the band gets off. I get up there.

It's hell. It starts raining. They go 50 yards back under another tent. It stops. They come back out. I'm fucking working it. I'm like, boom. I get them.

I lose them. The fucking jet goes off. I'm like, boom. I get them. I lose them. The fucking jet goes off. Guy comes by. Phone all. They're fucking wasted. The sun's out. The rain comes. It's so bad.

I hit 45 minutes contractually. Thank you. Good night. I'm like, but the guy grabs me like the A-team, takes me through mud, throws me in the back of the van. I got like maybe an hour and 10 minutes to make my plane. Goes all the way. As we're driving, I'm going to get you there. Don't worry about it, Jerry.

I'm like, it's Bob. We get to the airport. I make it to the plane. He goes, can you just do me a favor? Can you get me a signed autograph of Jerry? I go, listen, dude, I met him the other night. It might happen. I can talk to him. listen, dude, I met him the other night. It might happen. I can talk to him.

Oh, my God. You can't say that. I got the best story in the world, right? This hell gig. This is up his alley. Yes. Right? So I go back to the cellar the next night.

Oh, my God. I'm on right after Jerry. Wow. So I walk downstairs. The hallway's packed with people watching Jerry. Of course. The camera crew's there. He's on stage. This is 2002, by the way. He's the biggest he the camera crew's there he's on stage this is 2002

by the way he's the biggest he's been the biggest he's ever been he walks off stage organically we're friends he walks off and I go hey dude you won Gretzky wasn't on and I had the buck and he took he looked at me like who the fuck oh yeah and he took

the buck and then he walks up two steps. I go, hey, dude, but I got a great story for you first. Oh, no. He goes, you want your buck back? And I was like, oh, no. Whatever. Takes another two steps.

He turns around. He goes, hey, listen, I'm going to be up at the table having food. As soon as you're done, come up. We'll talk. We'll have some food. And we'll talk stuff out. And I was like, dude, i got a great story for you man i went to buffalo you're gonna love this story i can't wait to tell you he goes not you oh he was talking to the he was talking to the lady next to me oh she's not you she just looks at me she. And he just walked away, never to talk to me again.

Ah. Never to talk. That's soul crushing. That's worse than if he stuffed the dollar bill in your mouth and kicked you down the stairs. Yeah, right. Not you is more painful. Just as, you know, Jerry, not you.

Oh, damn. And then he walked away. And a crowd of people around me, too. It just went silent. Do you remember the comics you were there? Oh, dude. It was like somebody, like. Was it Norton? Somebody got caught, like, fucking somebody in the ass like that type of silence like oh you guys that's a bad fucking her in the ass dude oh my god it was bad it was so

bad it's amazing you feel this big but that's my company name now not you inc oh good for you it's like the n-word. You spin it. How do you spin it? Did they put it back up top? No. Absolutely not. Let's see. No.

Yeah! Leah! Leah! Leah! Leah! Leah! Leah! Holy shit.

Text her and tell her she's a fucking champion. That was impressive. She's a fucking champion. Louie's on a podcast promoting his special right now, and he's like, where the fuck is it? There you go. Good for her. Man, that's a pro.

That's a pro. She's a fucking monster. Leah! Leah! Leah! Leah! I love you. I got work tonight.

I'll see you later. Thanks for putting it up. Two more weeks, baby. Two more weeks. Two more weeks. Two more weeks. All right. She's the best.

She's the best. Do buy Bobby's special. We love Bobby. He's one of the funniest. Really is. Killer. It's annoying. Yeah, thank you so much.

You guys too, dude. I tell you what the best part about promoting this special was for me is getting to do everybody's podcast and not to be faggy, but the love of the... Keep it, keep it. Leave it in. Hey, not to be a silly bitch. There we go.

That's the name of my production company. Not to be a retarded homosexual. Which you don't see a lot of. I'll get it. I'll get it. Not to be a, you know. He just says the N word. We're like, all right, this is not going to be good here.

No. Not to be an emotional asshole. How's that? Or too sappy. Sure. But the love of the comics, all the comics, podcasts. The fact that we don't have to go to people and get a yes from people I don't even know. Right.

Who might not be fans. That we can just do this. Yep. And we can sell our albums, put our stuff out. We don't have to ask permission anymore because we're just taking care of each other and getting our fans to like Skank Fest,

Rogue, and you guys. All the podcasts I did promoted me more than any show I could have ever went on or anything I could have done. Well, these late night shows, they're such a bitch to get on. And then it's like,

you didn't even move the needle. I know. And you gave me a million rules. You made me kill my joke. Yeah. You got to jump through hoops. Yeah. It's great.

And the comic love is real because we are a family. And not to be sappy as well, but not to be a homosexual as well. A silly bitch. You are. You are. No, we,

it is a family. And's why like we talk about steve earlier in the episode we love him and like if you if you've been to the cellar this is a dude who let you in this is the best the best guy the best we all loved him like you you should have seen the scene there we were there the night after it happened and it was like dude there were flowers in this seat he sat in that people From the neighborhood were dropping by Literally like People from the neighborhood

People walk by and were like hey We heard Everyone from the blue note came over One at a time last night He was the nicest guy because every time I was there He You go away for a while and you come back and there's a new person at the door.

Right. It's like, hey, excuse me. It's like, what? Yeah. Fuck you. What are you, out of your mind? You know what I mean? But 22 years, man.

Every time you, Steve, you're like, Bobby, what? I try to get in. He goes, not you. But Steve was just, you know know he would talk to you it wasn't a yo what's up it was hey man how you doing Bobby right

how's your wife how's your son how's fucking this piece of shit had him saying hey Liz you mad you know we were filming it

because he would go up to her and he would make sure I was in earshot so I could enjoy it and he would go Liz can I ask you something and she'd be like oh yeah and he'd go

are you mad and she'd be like ah oh yeah. And he'd go, are you mad? And she'd be like, ah! Fucking awesome! That's all right. Dude, my parents, I texted my parents and they were like, he took such good care of us. Yeah, my parents said the same thing. He would like, literally when my parents were there,

he would like recognize they were family. I think Luis Gomez said it the best. When I showed up at the cell, they didn't ask me who I was. Yeah. Wow. Which is huge. That's a first. That's crazy. Yeah is huge yeah that's the first that's crazy yeah

that's like wow that's crazy yeah but lewis uh told me that shout out to lewis for the skank fest you're doing great things but he said a guy a big corporation tried to buy it and he said nah because it'll ruin it you can't you can't they're starting to show up which is oh really what i said industry came this year. I told you. I'm like, you can't let them. Don't let them in. They're going to ruin it.

They're going to be on their phones. There's no way Lewis is going to let a legitimate company with legitimate lawyers and accountants show up. AT&T presents Gang Fest. Absolutely not. How's he going to afford his Lexus?

Absolutely not. There's no way he's letting them in. God bless him because he built it. I mean, it's really cool and it's for the fans. And it's not just Louis. It's Jay and Dave and Christine. It's very cool. Let me tell you something about that staff.

They're so good. Yeah, they're on it. They're so good because they know who you are. They know what you mean to the festival. And they treat you. I can't tell you dude i was like i need a chair we got a chair for you mr kelly there's a guy who's probably a comic but he's he you know and he there's no ego involved they're like look man we're glad to

be here too and they work all day all night for four days five days straight longer than that like setting up all that shit like they're looking at it walking in there's so much that goes into that they're working for months and then on site. It's gonna be bigger and bigger and bigger. Oh yeah. It was so much fun.

And it's all based on fucking atrocious, evil, fucked up, hilarious comedy. It's not bending one second. I walked in on whatever, Saturday.

The first thing. That's gang thing. The first thing I walked in on whatever Saturday. The first thing I walked in on was that boxing match where it was four dudes with shock collars, blind folded, kicking the shit out of each other. It was amazing. Look it, I'm not going to trash

meaningful comedy. I think that's what I call it God bless you Meaningful comedy It's the opposite of comedy But people want Look it, the fart is still king Sure, esotericism is king

When everyone's trying to make a point What makes you laugh harder Than just pure silliness When every late night host was like, trump this, Conan would just go out and do jokes. Yes. And there was something kind of beautiful about that. And if you're all doing Trump, it's over. It's ruined.

It's not edgy. No. No. I was next to Luis Gomez. He lost a bet with Jay. We're in front of thousands of people on live streaming, on Moment. And they stuck a Nintendo Duck Hunter gun

in his bum. I held the mic to his mouth. Play the music the sound effect for the Duck Hunt and it was I mean dude Jake Shields a champion in fighting there was all the girl comics.

Everybody was on stage. They raffled off two stage seats for guys to watch it at $1,500 a pop. And Big Jay stuck a gun in Lewis's butt. Yeah! And it was the greatest, one of the greatest things I've ever seen. I love it. It was so funny, outrageous, and stupid. It made no sense.

And I think comedy, all kinds of comedy should exist. Like, you say the meaningful comedy, that's great that it exists. Yeah. But you need, if you have that, you need the other end of it. But no one's trying to take away meaningful comedy. That's what feels weird about this. Like, people are like, hey, we got to shut that down. It's racist.

It's homophobic. If you do meaningful comedy, to to me you better fucking take it on the road and focus test it a little bit cause when you're just doing it well make it comedy you should do that but they don't have to you don't have to but you should because it'll make it better it'll make it tighter and it can

still have meaning and be tight and honed and good there's something about not being famous that makes you funnier because you're in a room full of people that like you and then there's a bunch of people that don't know who the fuck you are and you have to get them. Yes. So when you're at a club and you have to get 25%

of the room who just came because they got tickets or whatever that makes you have to you know what I mean? Bring it. When you show up and they're all there to see you, which is awesome. Sure. Greatest feeling in comedy. That's the goal. When you show up and they're all there to see you, which is awesome. Sure. Greatest feeling in comedy. That's the goal.

But you get away with a lot more silly shit. But on the other end of that, when no one knows who you are, you have to kill every time. And you can't write new shit. Absolutely. That's definitely. The middle. Yeah, I think you're right. There's a middle ground to that.

But it does make you better. But the meaningful comedy, which I which i dude i don't hate you know what i mean good it's good gary gulman's uh depression is a road brilliant writer gary is is a real comic but that special yeah gary's moved me so much i because i know i love him and the fact that he went away to get healthy first and then came back and was a comic second you know what I mean those are brilliantly written jokes if you haven't seen it the Great Depression HBO

go to louisck.com first it's on the home page I met you guys for the first time together in Atlanta like must have been like 2010 or something yeah and you were both I was a fucking young ass comic and you guys were both so cool to me and it was like, you know.

That was a mistake. Yeah, we really fucked up. Yeah. You fucked up. Are you mad? Are you mad? I'm a little upset, Bobby. A little upset.

Call this episode You Mad. A little upset. You mad? I saw Gaffigan downstairs at a comedy club and Legion of Skanks were upstairs doing their crazy horse shit

and Gaffigan's like, man, thank God of Skanks were upstairs doing their crazy horse shit. And Gaffigan's like, man, thank God for them. And I'm like, what? He's the cleanest comic on the planet. I'm like, you like them? He's like, they keep moving the line. Otherwise, other people will just move it all the way that way. Without them, you need both sides to keep moving it. You needed Dice.

You needed Kinison. You needed Pryor. You needed this motherfucker. Right. You need those guys to push the boundaries as far as they can push it and then we have so much room to play in right so much more people can exist yeah yeah that's a good

point I mean even though if he was around today he'd be a corporate shill I'm kidding there's no way he'd be around today unless he got that surgery look at this shit have Have you seen this? The Richard Pryor singing? This has been going around.

Oh, God. It's amazing. He has a good voice. Why did... Can I... Before you play it, before this ruins everything in my life... That's what I say.

It's weird. I get it. He's a good singer, but it's just... Why does every comic, when they make it, a lot of them think they can put out a song? This is before we made it.

No. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 1966. He hadn't made it yet. I mean, he's still a comic at this point. Oh it. No. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 1966. He hadn't made it yet. I mean, he still has comics at this point. Oh, my God. Yeah.

I can't. Please stop. It's incredible. Are you going to cry? No, Bobby's going to cry. No, I'm not going to cry. This literally is ruining prior for me. All right, close. That's how I feel. It's gonna cry i'm is this literally is ruining prior for me all right close that's how i feel it's great that sweater is i love it singing ruins

him for you but him freebasing and lighting himself on fire is good that helps that helps brings him up dude i mean if you saw burt kreischer sing like that you'd be like that's the most insane thing i've ever seen in my life that'd be a mind fuck he has that ability dude what are you talking about he grew up in a whorehouse. That's how he made his money when he was 10. Yeah. Fucking walk around.

Baby, go sing for the gentleman. He is Don Draper. He's basically the Don Draper of comedy. This tragic fucking life. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no. No, no, turn that. I'm going to throw up. Are you losing your mind, Mark? Just there? Oh, wow. All right, all right no no tits alone are bothered yeah i know that's a lot that's a real milker yikes any any other any other peeves or wrecks anyone i mean you can't really top the ones we do i mean i have peppy i i just have people who break the law but not just the not the law of the land a human law we have a lot like

halloween this is the first year that our neighborhood had we got kids in the last few years we our neighborhood dies neighborhood i don't know if he knows but neighborhood will die uh families move in the 50s they have kids the dies. I don't know if you noticed, but neighborhood will die. Families move in the 50s. They have kids. The neighborhood's popping. Those people get old. The kids move away. The neighborhood dies.

Those people die. New families move in. They have kids. The kids get older. They play on the block. It's rejuvenated. That's what happened to my neighborhood. My street never did trick-or-treat on my street

because there was no kids. It was all old people. Now there's kids. So we did trick-or-treat on my street because there was no kids all people now there's kids so we did trick-or-treat we had a party and uh we did we walked around the neighborhood we sent out flyers hey number one if you have a pumpkin if you have lights or any decorations for halloween and you don't have candy or you're not answering your door you're an asshole you should be slapped in the face yeah you're right. You're a fucking piece of shit. Interesting.

If you lit your house up orange and had a pumpkin, a hologram pumpkin on your fucking side of your house, and my kids ring your door, and you, and I can see your TV, your hundred foot plasma on the wall

watching the fucking stupid sports, and you don't answer the door, I should be able to crawl in your window and slap you in your fucking face. And then take your remote and throw it in the woods. I just have a picture of Bobby banging on someone's door screaming, you fucking asshole!

I do it from the street. With these kids behind you. Where the fuck's the candy? I do it from the street. I'm going, I just kept going, we see you! Of course. We see you. Of course.

And now here's another one hello damn that was impressive that's what's going on what candy are you giving out at your home dude we gave out everything full size or fun size no you can't do full size that's too much you can't it's too much it's too full size was like an 80s thing 90s killed ralphie man yeah you gotta give i but i let them take as much as they want that's what i say take as much as you want now now let's not get carried away if the little streety fucker goes in it's like i meant three yeah as much as you want is three to four. Right.

You go five, six, I'm slapping your hand. I'm looking at your dad going, this is what you raised? This piece of shit? Right? But here's another thing, too. That's what happened

with the bowl on the, oh, shit, here we go. Dude, I got, I'm telling you. What the fuck? These, because these savages. They take all of the bowl.

They took the bowl. It never works. This is the gateway to juvenile hall the bowl. It never works. This is the gateway to juvenile hall right here. This is why communism doesn't work. But why do you leave the fucking bowl outside? Yeah, I raped a girl. It happens. What'd you do?

I stole a bowl of candy and white planes. It started with a box of Whoppers. It ended with a knife and gun. You have a good Whopper. The guy was in there. I saw him, but he didn't come out, so I took the whole bowl. My ring camera went off.

Probably no joke. 15 times. Halloween night. All of it. And I took some screenshots. All of it. Hey, take one. Not the whole bowl.

I'm not kidding. This is a thing now. These scumbags, these piece of garbage kids who don't have fucking morals because their families suck are just going up, taking. There's a bowl. First of all, I blame you, you lazy cocksucker. If you're in there, open the door. Open the door. No, I'm blaming the person between these two.

Okay, okay. The resident. The resident next door. Yeah. If you're in the house, open the fucking door. Get a mask. Do something and say hey how you doing

participate teach these your job as a candy dispenser on Halloween is to teach these little kids one fuck face

gotta regulate one and then they know they go to the next house one one one you hear one one one one one you know to take one

but all these lazy fucking Halloween couple millennial shit people who left New York one one one you hear one one one one one you know to take one but all these lazy fucking halloween couple millennial shit people who left new york to go to fucking westchester and get a house like you bobby i know i know but i have i have morals i have good morals i don't have a dad but i have good morals you do you do not you but they take the they not only do they this is why these kids suck they take all the candy and they have a bag to put in but they take the they not only do they this is why these kids suck they take all the candy and they have a bag to put in but they take the bowls no i'd kick them literally the bowl the physical bowl and some of these people are using these great bowls these nice bowls that they like

which is stupid that's not smart on their part though but why why can't you leave a bowl out that you should be able to but i don't i still don't think it's in 1953 you you leave a bowl out? That's crazy. You should be able to, but I still don't think it's... I've never heard of that. In 1953, you could leave a bowl out. I don't think you could... 1980s, leave a bowl out. 70s, leave a bowl out. Dude, in the 80s, when I went trick-or-treating, first of all, two pillowcases.

I would go out by myself, and we went up... He was a Klansman. That's what. Yeah. That was my outfit. I needed one for the outfit, and to get into the club later that night. Oh, my outfit. I needed one for the outfit and to get into the club later that night. Oh my God.

I didn't think I was going to see my uncles. Oh my God. Dude. Mom's stealing the candy too. Oh, it was this bitch. That's where he gets it.

Oh God. They're garbage people. They're going to have drones that you can buy at Amazon soon and it's going to shoot up and you can threaten kids. Right. It'll shoot little things.

Here's what I'm going to invent. I'm going to invent a steel thing that you drill into your deck and it dispenses one candy. Like a Halloween pez dispenser. It dispenses one candy. This is all COVID shit too. People don't want to touch little kids. And I get it.

Nobody wants to be touching a bunch of little fucking rugrats. But you don't have to. Just fucking have the ball. Yeah, they're there. Trick or treat. I get it. People just want to stay in the house. But then don't do the ball. Yeah, they're there. Trick or treat. I get it. People just want to stay in the house. But then don't do the candy.

Yeah, you're right. That's who it is. It's one or the other. I blame that. It's one or the other. And the fact that you're not going out with your kids. There's 10-year-olds going out. You got to go out with your kids now.

But kids suck now. Our generation, my generation, we had morals. You got an ass whooping. If you got caught stealing the candy, what? Morals is an ass whooping. you got caught stealing the candy what more of those is an ass whooping that's how you get them you got you never got beat

that's why you sit there in the chair well you threw your you heard one loud voice you threw your wallet across the room it's true I've never heard

an older person say that their generation was better before this is crazy you guys are better at a lot of things. Bobby was 13 drinking in a park with 30-year-olds. Let's not say his generation. They forced you to get drunk at 13.

We're trick-or-treating. If I took more than one candy, I'd get a beating. I don't know. I blame both people. I blame the scumbag kids, but the people who don't, who just, when you just put a bowl out, you're a piece of shit. Yeah, that's what you mean. Stay home. Stay home.

Where are you? Where are you on, what was it? Monday? Yeah. Where were you? Where are you at on the no costume kids taking candy? I think you gotta dress up. No costume, no candy. I'll tell you what, if you catch them, you should be forced to dress them in whatever costume you want to put them in. Ah, blackface. Wow you what if you catch them you should be forced to dress them in whatever costume you want to put them in ah ha

blackface wow what if now you gotta go home with that do you want I mean most most of them

Norman just stands at the door with tar just waiting for it we're making clan and race jokes we know that the booze has hit should probably wrap up soon

yeah you do a blackface on black face? Get down. I'll be sober. I'm going to sell a special. Take that out. Watch Bobby Kelly's special

Kill Box. LouisCK.com. It's at the top. Home page. Top of the home page. Love it. Top of the mountain top. 10 bucks,

you'll laugh your face off. What piece of shit that was like, let's move this down? Probably Louis. No, no. I blame Joe List. Why? For his dumb movie because his shitty movie was on the top. Jesus Christ. I mean, let's move this down? Probably Louis. No, no, I blame Joe List. Why?

For his dumb movie, because his shitty movie was on the top. Jesus Christ. I mean, it's a great movie, and you were really good at it. Yeah, buy that, too. I've had three drinks for breakfast. No, it's a great movie. Fantastic. I mean, everything-

Fourth of July is amazing. Everything Louis is doing is great, because he's literally making his own Netflix, and then giving other people opportunities like myself and Joe. So cheers to Louis. Here, here. Yeah. All right. Well, thanks Louie. Here, here. Yay. Alright, well thanks Bobby. Thanks Liz. And let's plug some of Bobby's tour dates as well. Yeah, you on the road? I got a podcast

too. I don't know if you guys have heard of it. You know what dude? Oh, you got Bargotsi coming up. Tonight we got the Regs, Louis, Joe, Dan, and Nate tonight. And we might have a Louis, CK might stop by. No! It's a big one. And we might have a Lewis. CK might stop by.

No! I'd like to get you guys on it sometime. I'd love to. I'd love to come by. All right. That's great. I'd love to. It's so weird when you ask somebody to do a podcast.

You're like, really? They're like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to be everywhere. Comedy Connection in Rhode Island. Laugh Boston. That first time in three years I'll be back in Boston doing a club.

Mike Drop Comedy. Mike Drop in San Diego Off the hook comedy club Ugh Governors Tim Gage is opening For you at Governors Comedy club Buffalo

Easy Yeah You and Tim Gage Easy He's on the verge of suicide Who Tim Gage Oh yeah Fingers crossed

I watched his audition set It was wild Fingers crossed Fucking face He doesn't have a podcast Fuck Tim Gage Alright So yeah Oh, yeah. Fingers crossed. I watched his audition set. It was wild. Fingers crossed. Fucking Lace. He doesn't have a podcast. Fuck Tim Kitch. All right. So, yeah.

BobbyKelly. RobertKelly.com. Yeah. RobertKellyLive.com. There you go. RobertKellyLive on Instagram. All that shit. Follow me on that.

I guess that's what the kids do nowadays. Remember, don't take all the candy. Just take one. You got to get the watch and build it in an hour. Dude, that looks like Blade Runner. Yeah. Yeah. That was James Webb who made that. Just take one. You got to get the watch and build it in an hour. Dude, that looks like Blade Runner. Yeah. Yeah. That was James Webb who made that.

We love it. Kansas City coming up. Tacoma, Spokane. Then OKC, we've moved that. And then the real tour starts. We got St. Louis, Dallas. I don't fucking know. Go to samro.com.

Go to the website. It's always on his fucking Instagram. Jesus. Dallas, all this shit. It's going to be fucking Instagram Dallas All this shit It's gonna be non-stop You can't have a family I don't have a life He has no family

Do you want a kid someday? Oh please no Yeah I'd love to What? Yeah I have a kid I'm a few steps removed A few? Sure sure

But hey let's go one step at a time I'm literally hitting every city Boston, D.C That's not your website Literally everything Samuel.com Slash show So just go to the website Class Act Mark Mark Look at Mark Does not like being married I'm literally hitting every city, Boston, D.C. That's not your website. Literally everything. Samuel.com slash show. So just go to the website,

Class Act Tour. Mark, Mark, you look at Mark does not like being married. He's away every fucking week. I mean, you hate your wife. She's opening for him. She's going to take my wife to her. Yeah, I'm in New Haven,

Wilbur, New Orleans, Philadelphia, Nashville, Buffalo, you name it. My God, you hate her. I like the road. I like the road. This is like fucking ACDC's tour. We're married to the sea, my friend. Yes, yeah, we're married to the sea.

Exactly. Sea word. And she's very nice. She's a good egg. And huge tits. Very lucky guy. Queef. I can't wait for this. Mark's trying to express you doing huge tits. Very lucky guy. Queef. I can't wait.

Mark's trying to express you doing your vows. I love you. You're the best. Queef. Something. I'm giving up. Wait, wait, wait.

Did you write, are you writing your vows? I got another comic to write them. But I paid them. Orny Adams. You're good. I'm the best.

But you're good BodegaCatWhiskey.com Buy the whiskey We love you Liz you can see At the cellar It would be nice If you could sell it

In New York And you could Oh Jesus And we could have it At the cellar It'll be here by Christmas At the cellar The merch is coming too

Might be out already by now I need merch Yeah Bobby it's delicious I know But I'm just letting you know It's worth Falling off the wagon at the cellar. The merch is coming too. It might be out already by now. Yeah. I need merch. Yeah. Bobby, it's delicious. I know, but I'm just letting you know. It's worth falling off the wagon for, Bobby. No, it's not. First of all, I'll come back here

and slap you in the face if you don't drink it. Bodell, this is awesome. Good for you guys. This is like you're in money. We're trying. This is Ryan Reynolds. This is aviation.

This guy loves talking Ryan Reynolds. Love him. I try to squeeze him in wherever I can. He's great. What was the name of that poem you guys say when you drink? It's double your pleasure, double your fun,

double your vision with Allen's 101. There you go. All right. You two, what do you got going on? Still a say less. NYC on 38th Street

and pay your plane NYC for all of vitality, bar, restaurant needs. All right. Salamanca, Liz, anything? I'm directing Daniel Simonson's special. Whoa! Comedy on State, November 18th. No check spot, I hope. Yeah, no check spot.

All right. I love those people, Comedy on State. Good egg. Great club. The best. Eve and Anna. If you can, please donate to the

Steve King GoFundMe. I mean, buy my special first. Yeah. Spend $10. Listen, spend $10 on Bobby's special. Worth it.

I mean, they did hit the hundred. He also spelled Conquist. They both kill. They should have put a million. Thank you. They both kill.

Jesus. We love you And we'll see you very soon Thanks for listening guys Bye Bye Bye Bye

Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye

Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye

Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye

Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye

Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye

Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye

Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye shit about the fucking pope and I get down in the same way above the roof like a cop's coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New

Orleans this woman doesn't look like I remember her and I get down in the same way we might be true