We Might Be Drunk - Ep 106: Natasha Leggero

Episode Date: December 19, 2022

Wine enthusiest and funny lady, Natasha Leggero takes a flight from LA to NY and also a wine flight with the guys. A classic We Might Be Drunk. Grab Natasha's Book! "The World Deserves My Children" https://www.simonandschuster.com/p/the-world-deserves-my-children Or at Amazon and Barnes and Noble  Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/shows Natasha Leggero: https://www.natashaleggero.com/ Visit www.betterhelp.com/Drunk for 10% off your first month. Visit www.liquidiv.com and code Drunk Get 60% off 1 st box by going to https://go.factor75.com/DRUNK60 and use code DRUNK60 https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com/shop https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com

Yo! Hey, hey! We're here. We might be drunk. Welcome. How are you? We got Natasha Leggero here, one of our favorites. Good to have you. Very happy to have you. Thank you guys for having me. Thanks for coming in from L.A. Yeah, man, it's really hard to get around here. Really? Are you one of those L of those LA people that hates coming here?

I lived here, and it's just bringing back memories of just pounding the pavement crying. I feel like that was me for like five years in New York. That's most of it in the beginning. And then I sat at a sad sandwich shop and just ate an egg salad sandwich because it was like snow raining. And you guys were like right across the street. So, you know, I was like waiting for an hour. Is it raining? It's like snow raining and you guys were like right across the street so you know i was like waiting for an hour is it raining it's like snow i thought that was part of the sad new york story that was just that's what i'm saying was like bringing back memories and then then i was like this happens

to me too now like i sat down because you don't sit down by yourself in public in l.a you know and i sit down and then this like old man was sitting at this like communal table across from me. It was Al Franken. No, it wasn't Al Franken, but the guy did smile at me. This is starting to happen to me where I'm like, do you think that this would ever happen? Like men in their 60s. I don't know what kind of vibe I'm giving off. Well, he probably thought you were a Disney princess.

I think with the outfit maybe. I don't know. But yeah. Thank you giving off well you probably thought you were a disney princess the outfit maybe i don't know but yeah thank you mark no but you look great fashion fashion comes naturally to you yeah i got 11 year old skateboarder come on this is like every male comic i know sam's wearing like a nice adult shirt over he's got a nice jacket going yeah i had to bring when natasha go natasha should have brought it i was on a date last week when I know. At least Sam's wearing like a nice adult shirt over it. He's got a nice jacket going. Thank you, yeah. I had to bring one. Natasha. I should have brought it. I was on a date last week when Natasha texted me to come on,

and literally 10 minutes before she texted me, this girl goes, you know who my favorite comedian is? No. Natasha Leggero. Stop. Oh, come on. She said Michelle Wolf. You must have gotten some action after like showing her the text. Not as much as I should have for showing that text. I feel like that should have gotten me action after like showing her not as much as i

should have for showing that text i feel like that should have gotten me more he just got pegged yeah that was it fuck me in the butt but that was after i showed her yeah but yeah uh i opened for you year do you remember that at caroline's you know people say this to me and i really have a bad memory mark all right i was not remember i was a new comic was i nice to you at least you were so nice okay good and todd berry was a dick and you stood up for me and i never forgot it and i appreciate it wait todd was a dick to you well i i'm like i was so green and annoying you're doing the guest spot mark yeah yeah go run the light todd was running a letterman this is how long ago this was todd was running a letterman so you were like yeah sure come do five i'm at caroline's and i was hosting and i was you know excited and annoying and uh you guys went out after and i was like oh where are we going and todd's like not you

something like that i mean he was half joking but half todding and you were like no no don't worry you can come and you you said it like off to the side when he couldn't hear you. You're like, you come, you come. And the whole time I was like, I didn't say a word because you guys were talking. Did you come? I weirdly showed up and just hung out to the side. And we went to some hotel bar and you guys talked about show business. That is brave, Mark. If someone told me to not come, I like that.

Well, it was probably a bad idea. Actually, usually when a woman tells me not to come, I come instantly. So did I. Yeah, I still that. Well, it was probably a bad idea. Actually, usually when a woman tells me not to come, I come instantly. So did I. Yeah, I still came. Well, I'm glad that we hung out with you, and I'm sorry that you came. I know. It was fun. I mean, you know when you're so new and so green, you're just like watching people who are successful was thrilling.

And now you're so successful. Wow. I don't know. But he still dresses like this. And Todd's still a dick to me. Damn it. I saw him last night. Oh, good.

Tell him I said hi. I will. I mean, Todd is so funny, though. Oh, we love Todd. Let's just let him act how he wants. If you haven't listened, he has so many albums that are just like lights out. I used to listen to him when I started in New Orleans. I was a huge fan.

But what are we drinking there, Beer Jew? Well, who's the time? I picked the drinks for you guys, but this time you get to choose your own, kind of. And we'll figure out... Wait, it's a taste test? Wait, am I... Oh, this is three different ones? Three different Tom Yum Pongs

at three different price points. I don't even splurge for this at the restaurants. Thank you so much. This is like the flight. Right, right. Exactly. And whichever you like best, you get a full glass of or many more if you like. Oh, lovely. And we got the, what is that, a charcuterie? What do you call that?

Cheese plate? Yeah. That's the word. I think the kid's called charcucci board. Charcucci. I don't know. I think I dated her in Harlem. This is amazing.

All right. I did this at my wedding because I really wanted to buy expensive wine. And Moshe was like, there is a wine shop up the street called Trader Joe's. And I'm like, I am not giving my guest Trader Joe's wine. And so I made this huge deal out of it. And then my wedding planners came and we did a taste test and we all picked the Trader Joe's. It was so even. And here's the worst part of the story.

I still bought the expensive wine because I don't want my friends, like, I bought, like, half expensive wine. Right. Because I was like, I don't want my friends to see, like, we're pouring Trader Joe's, you know, Trader Giato. Yeah, it always has some name. Trader Giato. Trader Jose or something. Funny that you mentioned Trader Joe's. I'm kidding.

Oh, is there a Trader Joe's here? No, but they are three different, massively different price points. Maybe we should all do the same one at the same time. Yeah, yeah. Are they in the right order? They have numbers on them. They have numbers on them. They have numbers on them. Oh, they do?

Just choose which one you like. I'm an idiot. I'm starting with three. Oh, jeez. All right. You can start with whichever you like. Okay.

Are these all Sauvblanc? They're all Sauvblancs. Sauvblanc. This was Natasha requested Sauvblanc. Well, you said, what is your cocktail? And I don't really

drink cocktails. I always picked you for like a martini. If I drink a martini, I would definitely vomit. She's five foot one. Martinis are so strong. They are. And those glasses are not fun to hold.

No, they hate the glass. This is pretty good. A little oaky. What are we starting with? That's one? That's three. Okay. Wine has just started to taste like water to me. That's bad, right?

They always say, it's like, why is it so hard to drink a whole bottle of water, but so easy to drink a bottle of wine? Well said. This is good. I like it. And I'm not a wine guy. You're not a wine guy? Nah. I'm not a white wine guy.

I like a red better. No, red is obviously better. It just gives me headaches, so I can't drink it. Oh, yeah. It'll kill you in the morning. Okay, number two. Number two we're going for. Red is obviously better. It just gives me headaches, so I can't drink it. Oh, yeah. It'll kill you in the morning. Okay, number two. Number two we're going for. Okay.

A little fuller. A little nutty. This one tastes more like- My ex. I think I like the third one better than the second. Okay. Yeah, I think so, too. What do you guys think?

I'm following your guys' league. This tastes a little bit like- I'm ignorant. I don't know, like raw alcohol. Like they put a splash of vodka in it or something. Interesting. I feel that, yeah. This tastes a little bit like raw alcohol. They put a splash of vodka in it or something. Interesting. I feel that, yeah.

It does smell a bunch of vodka. Besides that. All right. I don't like the aftertaste. It's got a sting to it. Yeah. Okay, number one. I feel like these are all kind of like flat, simple, dry. Maybe we didn't give you guys the best.

Flat, simple, and dry. They're nothing exotic. Don't worry. Okay. dry something like i maybe we didn't give you guys the best flat simple and dry they're not they're nothing exotic don't worry okay much different right that's dry this is number one that's what dry is when people say dry yeah i'm learning okay is the best i agree i. I'm a three person. I would say three as well, and I'm clueless. So we're all going for three?

But what is it? Oh, if it's Trader Joe's, I'm going to ship blood. All right, so for the big reveal. Okay, I'm wearing a diaper. Let's go with the least favorite was number two, correct? Yes. All right, well, you guys have some samples of taste. That is the cheapest one.

Hey! Look at us. That's the cheapest one. Hey! We did it! Look at us! It's the cheapest one! That's Cupcake. Don't ever buy Cupcake, you guys. Cupcake Vineyards, it's like a budget wine. They have Pinot Grigio, soft longs, everything you need. It's the thing you grab at the 7-Eleven when you're going to a party.

You hope that no one sees what you drop. Right. Because that is not... Everyone knows Cupcake is like $6. Yes, it's like a $12. $12. Okay. Now, and then

our favorite was number two. No, number one, number one. Oh, no, no, no. Three. Three. Three, rather. So three was Gas Station Pants.

Strangely enough, strangely enough, you guys picked the middle best as your best, which is Kim Crawford's salad. I drink this all the time. And also, restaurants do not serve cupcake, but they do serve Kim Crawford.

Actually, my restaurant serves Kim Crawford. Yeah, this is a very popular house sauvignon blanc. Because it's good mid-tier, and it'll get you there. And it's nice to pair with any kind of light meal. How much is the Kim Crawford? Kim Crawford is about $25. $25, $26. It's not too bad.

And then obviously the higher tier was Cake Bread Cellars at $45. I want that one instead. I want a glass of Cake Bread. Oh, that's dry. That's dry. That's dry. That's like when you feel that extreme dryness when it's just been completely barrel aged

for a good amount for as long as a white wine should be. Get that. Wow. I seriously would rather have the expensive one. You know what? Let's drink the expensive one. I like the Kim Crawford. Well, I drink Kim Crawford all the time. Yeah, let's do the good one.

Let's do it. Maybe it'll be lesser of a hangover too, right? This is the mental part of me. I'm tasting the second one we liked and it tastes better now that I know it's the good one. Isn't that fucked up how the mind works? Yeah, we're really trash. What is that? Cake bread? Oh, no, that's me.

There you go. Americans are just trash. We really are. We really are. We really are. It just sucks. I always think of that Richard Jenney joke, how the French have the croissant, and here in America, we go, we made a croissan'wich. Yeah, so true. That's what we did.

Even Canada is better. I went to Vancouver, and it's even a little more refined there. Did you guys know that in other countries, they have like full maternity leave? Oh, yeah. In Finland, they give you a box with full of like a box. The box is for your baby to sleep in. And then they give you like all of this,

like baby supplies, anything you would need. You get like 400 days off for the year that you can use whenever you want. You know, it's like America, we're just like, do your thing, you know, like fend for yourself. Don't get an abortion right i'm not gonna help you with any of this yeah but that's just my biological father

talking to my mom by the way wait so your dad's not a lawyer that's your step no yes my well yeah okay all right and comics you know we all have a story that's the most polite way it's a bumper sticker to be like ew yeah well it's true though i mean that was what really attracted me to comedians you've dated some comics but not even yes dated i always date comedians but also like just when i first got to new york or i think when i from new york i got to la and i would start going to auditions and the actors were so annoying and i'd be in a green room with actors and they were just like all competitive and bragging and boring.

And then all of a sudden you go to an improv audition and like everybody's funny. And I mean, they're still like vain assholes, but you know, at least they're like funny. They're giving back. Yeah, totally. So I just always wanted to hang out with comedians. But then you start talking to him. It's like, oh, you got stabbed when you were little. Oh, yeah.

You know, someone accosted you in an alley oh your brother died you know it's like always something like there's always an inciting incident

we all have something that fucks us up but like there's something about actors having to hide in other roles that makes me feel like they don't work

on it as much comedians we have to live with like ourselves we have to like be in our head for like who we are on stage so I do feel like

on some level we work a little more on it than actors. Oh, yeah. Oh, for sure. We work on- Ourselves. Ourselves. Because we have to.

Oh, more than actors. That's a good point. You have to address the shit. Right. They're just like- Sometimes, do you ever look at someone who's a really good actor, and it looks like there's nothing there? They're a vessel.

Vessel. The best actors have nothing to say. Because they just become something else. Yeah. Yeah. That's what they do. They're the shape shifters. Yeah.

You know, they're not real. They're chameleons. They say you can always tell an actor from the glazed look in their eye whenever someone else is talking. Oh. But maybe that's comedians too. Yeah. Well, that's when you meet a comedian's significant other.

You're like, oh, yeah, yeah. Let me get back to this guy in front of me. Unless they're a comedian. That helps. That helps. Moshe's fucking awesome. Yeah, Moshe's hilarious. Your wife, let me guess.

Did you marry a chef, a nanny? Keep going. Dominatrix. That was yours. Let me think. Nurse? I'm trying to think of what male comics like. Nurse is very giving, right?

Yeah. Nurse is very giving. very good um okay let me see uh gosh i don't even know what the job title is it's like you know it's like a real officey job he hasn't asked her what she does yet but you just got married that's oh wait so what does she do well she's hr she works in uh marketing but also a comedian oh Oh, she's a comedian. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you're good. Yeah, I'm good. We gel.

That's good. Yeah, because I think it's really important to have someone who at least understands the lifestyle. Totally. You're just like on a whim going to be like, I'm gone Wednesday. I'm gone Thursday. I'm going to be staying out till 11, you know. I remember some girl when I was coming up, this like beautiful model and she was doing comedy and she was always getting in these like passionate fights

with her older husband who was like, you can't go out, you can't go out tonight. And she's like, I need to go out to, you know? And it was like, they were always fighting. Oh yeah. You don't want that. And a lot of people will be into comedy and the dating, you know, that kind of world.

And they're like, oh, I love that you're a comedian. And then when you start getting serious, they're like, come on, stop that now. And they're like, oh, I love that you're a comedian. And then when you start getting serious, they're like, come on. Stop that now. And you're like, no, I'm the same guy. But once they get serious, there's some kind of cutoff. I had that with a girl recently where she was like, it's the weekend. We should be hanging out. And I was like, I have work.

What do you mean? I work at night. And she's like, well, it's important to me. And I was like, let's just not do this then. Sam, you give up that fast? Yes. I gave up. I was like, I'm out.

Well, I mean, it's your job. It's your livelihood. It's your passion. If you don't accept me on date three, then yeah, I'm fucking out. It's really important to me that we spend weekends together. Yeah, that's a nail in the coffin right there. Kiss of death. You know, Moshe's been going away.

Like, he's away performing all the time. But last week he went to some post Burning Man party in Reno. Unacceptable. for three days. That's divorce. I mean, I was like, I kept asking him. I was so confused by it. I'm like, are you sure you want to go to this?

I go, this doesn't seem like, this just seems like... That sounds like work. Well, it also seems like something you do if you're single. It's like in a hotel. I don't know. And I'm like,

you really would rather do that than hang out with your cute family. But then he explained to me the other. And I'm like, you really would rather do that than hang out with your cute family? But then he explained to me the other night, he was like, you know, I want to just sit home and watch The Vow with you.

But I start to feel like if I don't make an effort to do things, life slips by and for him to feel alive, he needs to be social. That makes sense. Because it's real easy for us to just slip into that cocoon

as comedians to just stay home and watch shit. Burning Man sounds so bad, though. This isn't even Burning Man, though. This is like a post-Burning Man in Tahoe. And he's sober, right? Yeah, so he's doing this sober. Oh, my gosh. What the hell?

Oh, man, that's a lot of Molly talking. Yeah, I went to Burning Man three times. It was pretty rough. Whoa. Three times? Let's hear it. You know, know before the pandemic i think i was just more game yeah i could see that you know i was just kind of like oh it's cute that's true now i'm just kind of like no no right no that's not happening yeah well you try to be adventurous then you go and right when you get there you're like what was i thinking this is a fucking nightmare and moshe wanted to go so bad this year he wanted he wanted to take

our kid he went with friends or what do you do he go he has like a whole group he used to work there so he has like a whole group that he goes with and he really wanted to take our kid and i said listen if you don't take our kid how about you how about i go how about we do the thing that you asked me before we got married and because he he came to me before i got married he's like what if i just we can open up the relationship just at burning man and i was like no whoa wait what that was his pitch because he had never been in a relationship before ah oh he was kind of a player he was a player but also like didn't have much experience so he didn't know that like that's not OK. And I was so then this past year I said, you know what?

Wait, so he can only fuck around at this festival. No, but we said no. Yeah. But then that was his that was his pitch. But it just he doesn't think things through because like then what? He goes to like Reno or he goes to Louisiana, wherever he's doing stand up. And then, you know, Raleigh. Right. And how do we know that he's not going to like do it there?

You know, so. But also you just want a monogamous relationship. Husband. I would prefer that just because it makes it. He's like, all right, no to Burning Man, but Coachella. I mean, I get that it's like a fantasy to be able to open up your relationship. But for a woman, for a mom, I mean, imagine like this, like, you know, a lactating mom, you know, sidling up to the bar trying to like talk to men. Like it's just not fair for a woman.

Like open relationships are definitely it's I think it's more challenging for the mother. Of course, especially in that state. So then I don't know, though. I think I think I think women have an easier time. Well, it's easier to get laid as a lady, but if she's breastfeeding over here. But not if you're a mom. I'm not breastfeeding anymore.

I don't know if you've heard of this porn category, MILF. It does pretty well. Very popular. Very popular. I was going to say, depending which bar. Yeah. Well, anyway, the point is I told him, how about you can go do whatever you want at Burning Man, but in exchange, you don't take our child there.

Wow, that's a great deal. Wait, so he is allowed to do that or no? Well, then I like, so I told him this and I think he was like, oh, okay. He didn't know if I was kidding or not kidding, you know? And so then I told my therapist about it and she was like, when's he leaving? And I was like, in two days. She's like, you should probably get confirmation. Like what?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I came to him with it and he was like, oh, I thought you were kidding. I would never want to mess up our family. So that was right. Oh, wow. Mark's confused. I'm so confused. This is strange.

He deletes Tinder. Yeah, right. Yeah, no, I got that was a joke. What are you talking about? I mean, this is probably one of your first big relationships, right, that you just got married? No, no. I was in a 12-year before this. You were? Yeah, yeah.

I did not see that. 12 years a slave. They made a movie about it. Yeah. You were really? I was a relationship guy, and then I got out for a couple years and just, you know, went nuts, back in oh with a different person yes yes yes a man no but now a different you were a beautiful uh child did you see her yeah when i was at your place pull her up don't pull her up all right don't you can pull up any baby i'd believe it i mean maybe you know mark's married now but do

you have any advice if he wants yes maybe have a kid? Because you have this new book out. My book, The World Deserves My Children. There's my child. He's beautiful. Thank you. I mean, so you want to have a baby? Eventually, yeah. How old is your wife?

31. Okay, so my advice is by 38, she should freeze her eggs. Oh, really? And that's the cutoff. And then she's an aspiring comedian or up-and-coming comedian, you know? So I'm assuming that she wants to keep working on her career. I mean, 30 to 40, those are your peak money-making years. You got that right.

Those are your peak fun years. Those are your peak, years. Those are your peak development years. So it's like having a baby and then being in survival mode in your 30s and 40s. And I had my baby at 43. So this egg technology is really cool. It's amazing. It's giving women a new lease on life. Yeah, of course. It's giving women like a new lease on life. Yeah, of course.

It's giving us what men have always had. Right. The ability to start a family, second family in their 70s or whatever you guys want to do. I think Mick Jagger just had a kid at like 91.

That's a little much. Yeah, come on, Mick. What are you doing? That is pretty crazy. He's got this Burning Man ultimatum thing going on. It's pretty good. I didn't explain that very well but i you know i only fuck around with women at the fire festival yeah i don't but yeah so i think moshe didn't quite get that like you a relationship is monogamous i guess for a reason right well it's a different time too you know

things are all wacky now and fluid you never know i didn't i didn't know moshe was like that he seems like such a adult you know he does yeah he does but you're married to him he seems like kind of a wise guy he does it i saw him i saw him at the improv last time i was in la and i did this bit about a terrible hookup story and he kind of like he was like talking to me after the uh set and he was like is that a true story? And I said, yeah. He's like,

never go to bed with someone you wouldn't have lunch with. And I was like, wait, what? That's pretty good. That would mean I'd never be cut in half. That's insane.

No, I know. But I was like, that's like an adult thing to say. I never thought about it like that. Yeah. Well, he does have wisdom and we have a podcast, the Endless Honeymoon podcast.

I've done it. It's a great podcast. Yes. And I don't remember who called have a podcast, the Endless Honeymoon Podcast. I've done it. It's a great podcast. Yes, and I don't remember who called when you called, but there's all these- She DM'd me. Whoa. What was her question? I can't believe she DM'd you. I don't remember, but I think she had a breakup, and we were helping her through it or something.

She was hot, but- Would you have lunch with her is the question. How do you find that out if you'd have lunch with someone, though? You can get a vibe, I think. Yeah, I don't know. Well, I'm sorry that one of our callers DM'd you. That's very inappropriate. Thank you. He liked it.

But all these 20-year-olds and even 30-year-olds, I feel like they don't have a lot of guidance and nobody really knows what to do, especially since COVID. Everyone wants to be dating. They're sick of online dating. No one's going out it's like what do you do it's tough now I don't envy you

as a single man these days he's killing every night on stage in New York I bet he like ups and downs do you do that thing that male comics do where you hang out by the bathroom I can't anymore is that the move now that's where all the girls go you know they go to the bathroom

and then they can be like, oh, you're so funny. Oh, that's interesting. I do that in my 20s. I don't do that. You did that? You fucking did that. I never did the bathroom move.

Not the bathroom, but like by the bar. I just sit there with a roll of toilet paper. Hey, I got you. One or two. You definitely hung out by the bar after a show.

I did the bar, but the bathroom I never even thought about. Well, that's the comedy store specifically. I see. The bathroom's right where the male and the male tend the bathrooms right where the male oh yeah in that hallway they're always in the hallway with their arms crossed good point it's so funny because like the idea that i would get off stage and want to talk to some guy going to the bathroom like waiting in line for the

bathroom yeah it would never happen the road is especially in la they're gonna go vomit sense for sure and in other ways too but. But for sure, the hookup. By the way, I don't like hooking up on the road either anymore. I'm getting older. It's not fun anymore. Because I'm like, I'm fucking exhausted usually. I'm on the road every week. Downtime.

Is it like the waitresses usually? Or is it the customers? Almost never a waitress. That's a bad idea. Yeah. Because you've got to be there the next night. I opened for a comedian. I can't say who it was.

But he would come out, look in the aisle, see who was hot. And then he would go tell the waitress, get them chicken nachos on me. And then he would get them the hot girls' chicken nachos. I want to fuck the woman who's bloated after the show. You're busted, Todd Berry. Get her some jalapeno poppers, too. And then he would invite them backstage afterwards and just kind of, you know, let them figure out who it was going to be. I don't have that kind of confidence.

I'd be like, get her the chicken nachos. And then after, I'd be like, where is she? Oh, shit. It wouldn't work out for me. Off camera, I want to know who it is. Oh, I'll tell you. All right. It'll be very obvious.

Patreon. R.I.P. Gallagher. That was a hilarious one where there were not that many nice obits for Gallagher. Oh, that's true. Wait, Gallagher died? Yeah, yeah. When?

Two days ago. Three days ago. That's Wait, Gallagher died? Yeah, yeah. When? Two days ago? That's interesting because didn't his brother go on? His brother was touring as Gallagher 2. That's right. That was a whole thing. I remember he was a dick.

By the way, how do you know it's not a great comic? Right. There's no Carlin 2. Or maybe it's just Gallagher. He's like, I wore out my welcome.

So was he hated? Like, what do you think he was like to his peers? Like, how we, like, was he like Carlos Mencia or something? I heard he was a dick. Everybody, that was the buzz about him, that he was a mean guy. Think about how much we want to love. Or the person that people, yeah, I don't know. But think about how much we want to love comics.

You know, like, this is like such a, it's like a family. Not to sound corny, but you want to love comics you know like this is like such a it's like a family and not to sound corny but really like you want to love your fellow comics so but comics like shit on each other now publicly i just i wasn't trying to shit on carlos mencia i'm just saying i remember when i was coming up people were like we don't like him and i didn't understand why he's like an unapologetic joke thief and he's kind of got a bad vibe i feel like you know where it's like i'm saying if you you have to do so much for us to turn on you I feel like the public will turn on you but comics

rarely turn on other comics unless they're really shitty I think Sam that is not true you don't think so no because people like talk shit about people on their podcasts now that's a bummer that's we try to avoid we're trying to do it either but there is I apologize

you're one of the greats We try to avoid that. We're trying to be. I don't do it either, but there is. Except for Gallagher. I apologize. He won't hear it. We're in the middle of doing it. Rest in peace, Gallagher. You're one of the greats. Wait, there weren't any nice obituaries for Gallagher? There was a lot. A couple were like, you know, he was nice to me one time. Right, right.

Do you think 20-year-olds know who that is? No, of course not. No way. They don't even know who Martin Scorsese is. We lost all our 20-year-old listeners after we had Al Franken on. What was Al Franken drinking? He was drinking a not funny juice. We have a dignified lady here.

Oh, sorry. It's okay. It's the fourth time he's done it. Oh, sorry. I know. I'm used to it. Next time I'll sit on Sam's side. I like it.

All right. All right. I'm sorry. Do you like it? I do. I'm used to it. That's cute. Last one.

I'm used to it. I do kind of like the bell. I've never seen, like, French wine make someone burp. I can declass anything. But, oh, you were on Andrew Dice Clay's show. Remember that show? That was a good show. Yeah.

Oh, now we're just, like, Googling, like, comics. I saw this photo. What, yeah, what was that like? How was Dice to work with? Well, at one point, I remember he was like, he was like, hey, we were doing a bedroom scene. He's like, could you give me a massage? Like, in between, in between takes.

Oh, boy. And I was like, no. And Adrian Brody was there that day. I was like, why don't you ask Adrian Brody to give you a massage? And he's like, fuck no. You know, like. So now he just made it sexual. Right. Well, I mean, but that's the thing. I was like, why don't you ask Adrian Brody to give you a massage? And he's like, fuck no. So now he just made it sexual. Right.

Well, I mean, but that's the thing. Like, he wasn't trying to be rude. It was just like, he's like, hey, you know, we're in a bed. You know, my back hurts, whatever. Oh, boy. But that's the beauty of Dice. He's just like, he is that. He's just like, he's, you know, he's over the top. Yeah, right, right.

I mean, he would go through customs smoking cigarettes. And they'd be like, excuse me, sir. You're not supposed to be smoking. He's like, oh, I didn't see the sign. That's hilarious. I mean, he's just like, who does that? Like one of these two? Yeah, with the x-ray thing. Woo, woo. Going around, he's got a cigarette in there. That's hilarious. I mean, he's just like, who does that? He's doing one of these, too. Yeah, with the x-ray thing.

Woo, woo. Going around, he's got a cigarette in there. That's hilarious. And then it's just like he gets in a mood, and it's just like, walk away. Walk away. Oh, wow. But he's a great father, and his kids really loved him, and I think that's always a good sign. Agreed.

Yeah, I opened for him once, and I'm not the biggest Dice guy, but I was like, he's a legend. I'd like to meet him. So I go up to him and I go, Mr. Dice, I'm your feature. Just saying hello. And he goes, you want a photo? And I go, no, no, I'm just saying, you know, hello. And how much time do you want me to do? He goes, give me the phone.

And I was like, all right. So I just gave him my phone. He took a photo of us with my phone and gave it back. And I didn't know how much time to do. I mean, when you think of the trajectories of comedians, like to be to be at the very tops. I mean, the way he explained it, it was like one day Madison Square Garden selling it out. The first one ever.

The very next day backlash on New York Times front cover. That's right. So, I mean, that is like a massive thing to deal with emotionally. And, you know, I don't know how people would cope with something like that. It's so funny that Dice is playing MSG. Like one night there's like the Knicks or the Rangers. And the next night he's like, this chick is sucking my dick, right? 20,000 people.

But a lot of comedians have played it since, right? Oh, yeah. And then he did the next album. It's hilarious. The Day the Laughter Died. Yes. It's just Dice bombing a danger field for an hour. Yeah.

It's kind of like a weird artistic choice that I really respect. I know. To be like garden to just eating shit. I actually have that record. My friend Brendan Walsh gave it to me, and I'll play it when I'm having a party and I want people to leave. It's like it gives the right cue. People are kind of like, it's jarring in a way.

If you ever divorce Moshe, put that on. And he'll be out there in a bag. Yeah. How long have you been married to Moshe? Seven years. Woo! The seven-year itch. Thank you.

And, yeah, we have this child now. And it's really amazing to have a child. You should do it, Mark. Yeah, you think? Although Moshe told me I should stop telling everyone to have a kid. Well, it's not for everybody. Yeah. But it is once you have it.

I promise you. I mean, unless you get a fucked up one. That's true. Yeah, you don't want to. I had a bad kid growing up, my brother. And he, one of my brothers. Your brother was bad? He was like a problem child.

Is he still bad? He lives in a van that he put an address on. And he, like, he spent the pandemic on probation because he got into a fight at a gas station parking lot. Because he basically, he's like, and it's never his fault. You know, he's like, yeah, I'm in the I'm in the 7-Eleven. And I just said to this guy, I'm like, hey, brother, why don't you put on a mask? And then I'm pumping my gas and the guy steps to me. And, you know, it's because guys like my brother who've been to court a lot, they know what

all the laws are. He's like, he steps within 11 feet of me. He kind of knows like what the cutoff is legally, how close someone can get to you. Yeah. So, of course, he's like, so, you know, I pound him in the face. He was so close. You know, he was within his feet. And then he's got his license taken away.

And, you know, it's like always something heavy. You know, I feel bad for him. Wait, he was pushing the mask or the other guy was pushing that? Surprisingly, my brother was pushing that this guy wear a mask. You don't hear about the liberal badass. Exactly. He's like, hey, buddy, you for a woman's right to choose? No?

Let's fucking dance. So I think he's gotten his license back now. But, you know, it's just. Good for him. Yeah. All right. So your other brother, you're closer to? I'm close to my other brother.

Yeah. But, you know, I do feel bad that my kid doesn't have a playmate. You know, I mean, have you ever tried to play make believe with a five year old? It's exhausting. Oh, it's a lot of work. It's so much work. I zone out. You know, I'm just not good at it.

I like like art activities, but she doesn't want to do that. And then, you know, Moshe is just at a loss. He's just like, OK, we're going to the mall. Or like, he'll just take her somewhere, you know, just to like, because they can, you'll wake up at seven, they'll wake up at seven.

On the weekend, you put it, you give them TV. By the time you wake up, it's been two hours. Right. That's already how much TV they're supposed to watch in one day.

Good point. Then you have from 9 a.m. till 8 p.m. to fill up. It's a lot of time. It's a lot of work. I thought you were trying to sell him on having a kid. I know, right? What's the pitch for having a kid? Because he

has a wife who will if he's lucky, give up her stand-up career to help raise their child and then he can go on the road. You'll pay for everything. You're kind of like, you know, floating right now. While you're fucking, you're going to quit, everything. Yeah. You're kind of like, you know, I'm floating right now. While you're fucking,

you're going to quit, baby? Yeah. You're going to quit? No, I think that, you know, you're young. Well, yeah.

All right. You're selling it pretty good. I'm not trying to sell it. I'm not trying to sell it. I would like to sell my book, though. Yeah, sell the book. That's your real baby. So these are comedic tales. tales no comedic essays because it's

all real um uh based on my experience of motherhood and you know parenting at the end of the world and freezing my eggs and love it you know that's a great cover great cover free and paid you know i feel like no one ever wants to talk about the people we have to pay to help our kids the nannies you know you can't really be like a working professional and not have people you're paying to help you with your kid unless you have parents or something um parenting at the end of the world i mean this was a big thing that i went through because the pandemic happened and you know you're like taking care of this thing and the stakes are so high and then just like if i go get her a haircut am i potentially or eat, dine indoors, am I potentially going to give her long COVID?

It's like every single decision, it's like, this was like, I'm still traumatized. Yeah, it was a nightmare time. It was a lot. I feel like mothers and kids who missed middle school, they probably had it worse. Oh, I know. Wasn't your whole personality developed in middle school. They probably had it worse. Oh, I know. Wasn't your whole personality developed in middle school? Completely.

So kids were like in fifth grade and now they're a freshman? It's like so weird. It's weird. I just feel so bad. And I have so many friends, kids who are like 10 and 12 and they just keep wearing their masks

because that's just how they feel comfortable now. You know? Yeah, it's a tough time. Missing your prom, missing your graduation, starting college, all that is gone. It's not the same. That's a tough time missing your prom missing your graduation starting college all that is gone it's not the same that's a bummer so so i think we have it you know families sing you know single men new newlyweds you guys we all have where you add on the my brother has two infants

and he doesn't allow phones he doesn't allow tv and isn't on ipad nothing and well infants no you're supposed to wait till two sorry i don't know what infant means one's nine and one's four but wait are you serious yeah you know children what's the word yeah what age should you be giving a kid uh but these kids are so smart they do puzzles they write plays they read they've read more books than i have they do art they're nine and he doesn't allow phones no no and it i don't know how he does it does he have a wife who doesn't have a day job he she's a doctor he works from home ah so i guess he knocks it out at home while working kind of sounds like he's killing it maybe he'll be a good a good dad too mark he's killing but he's miserable why is he miserable well it's just a lot of work it's like she's you know it's like

you ground them from the ipad for like saying rude, and then you're like, oh, wait. I wanted you to get on the iPad for me. So you're like, okay, you can watch the iPad, but it's your downtime. But again, this is how people did it for thousands of years, and now all of a sudden we're like, that's crazy. But they had a bunch of kids. That's true, and they raised each other. Oh, that's – I never bunch of kids. That's true. And they raised each other. Oh, that's that. I never thought of it. So we didn't have, this is like the past 10 years you could stick a device with anything in front of you.

Exactly. Before, you just sent them outside and they figured it out. My daughter asked me the other day, she's like, Mom, how do you French kiss? Whoa. She's four. And I go, where did you hear that? And then she was like, oh, I don't know. And that's like when you just kind of pivot and change the subject.

But sometimes on Netflix, she's watching cartoons. But they might be for like teens or like preteens. Well, she's definitely not watching Big Mouth. You don't know? Well, I have the settings for kids. But then I'm like, okay, I guess I have to vet everything. And then she starts watching these things on YouTube I don't know what YouTube is the worst because like I'll hand her a TV show like Bluey or something and then all of a sudden she's on the phone and then I'm listening and

there's like some like it's like bad acting it's like a mother and two kids pretending the mom's pretending she's mad at the kids and the kids are like showing some product it's like some weird like the people no i don't even know what it is it's a genre of like people in the philippines renting out a mansion and like what i i don't it's it's so strict i need to find out what it is and now my daughter knows it's like these empty mcmansions that people are renting is that it's a kid show and and And they like when, I don't know, but I was reading this article about, you know, Cocomelon, that's a big one they all like.

And so basically there's these dudes in Silicon Valley and they are testing the shows. So they put a two-year-old in the room and then in the corner they have on an iPad someone doing really boring things like pouring tea or just like putting dishes in a dishwasher and anything, anytime the kid looks at that instead they flag it so they only want like the things

that grab the kids' attentions the most. So one cartoon that they mentioned, this is in the New York Times, one cartoon they mentioned, they said like, kids school buses, but they also love minor injuries. So then there's a school bus that has a bandage wrapped around it. And so that's how you can get the kid to not look at the coffee pouring or anything else. We're just helping pedophiles at this point. Pedophiles are like, holy shit.

Wait, you go back. What is that? By the way, they're just doing this to adults with the news by the way that's true you're right maybe they're like maybe these parents are like getting money to show toys like these are unprofessional videos and this is all my kid wants to click on it's like and one day she even goes she goes mom this is bad sound right oh wow she knows she knew it was like they didn't have lobs on and this is just like that is an la kid the quality's low low res but yeah it's just like so so anyway back to your brother i mean he's clearly doing the right thing it's just that takes so much energy he's an animal

i don't know how he does is there any difference between like you know showing this shit to kids and then adult it's just like look who, look who Pete Davidson's fucking now. Same shit. Same shit. Same shit. They know how to grab us, too. We're not so sophisticated ourselves. I'm sure that's what the algorithm is, right?

They're testing and figuring out what grabs the most amount of people. Oh, my God. This is scary shit. I hate it. This is weird. You're trying to get us, my God. This is scary shit. I hate it. This is weird. You're trying to get us to have kids. Look at this shit. Look at these pacifiers looking weird.

I know. They're trying to make a buck, too. Everyone's trying to make money. I know. I know. But it is like, I guess I just love living with this little spirit angel who doesn't know who Trump is. It's innocence. It is just like so special and she loves you know she just always wants to be with me and she thinks i'm so cool

and she's just like you know we have fun together and i i just that's great yeah yeah i'm a lot of steps away from this right now but mark you're close i don't know the french kissing thing weirds me i hate to tell your kid as an only fans i don't know but right well that must be like an older boy at her school right it's gotta be maybe the pacifier thing creeps me out too though i don't like these who these like there's some guy who's like i'm a child distraction actor that's what i do yeah i distract children it's my job i mean it's harrowing. And yes, I don't want my kid's face up there. And I don't know if this is true, but I heard someone saying that on some of these videos of kids, you'll see like a time code in the comments. And if you go to the time code, it's like where the kid shows their underwear or something.

underwear or something so it's just like everybody like we're all it's it's it's just like we have to fight against every pedophile in the world is on the internet like why would you want your kid on the internet jesus we'll find a way to make anything sexual and creepy um sorry i didn't i didn't mean to go so no no we have a big pedophile fan base. Anyway, you guys should really have a child. And get my book. Get the book. Unless you're a pedo. You don't deserve her children if you're a pedo. Now I've been drinking.

Do pedophiles have kids? I doubt it. I mean, it's, you know, it's a good high on your own supply. That is a good question, though, Mark. I'm curious. It's an honest question. Is that what he said? I'm just saying.

I mean, if it's just in the house, you don't have to go to a playground. Mark. I'm just raising a point. Maybe there's some snooty pedophiles who are like, oh, fuck a kid, but not my kid. I'm sure there is there. That's incest. Incest, come on. Yeah.

These are the things I think about. We're losing all of our listeners right now. Let's bring Al Franken back. That's a bad idea. Oh, yeah. I brought a pedophile around him and he froze he did not like me or me yeah us i bet he was thinking you guys were cool and he wanted you to think he was cool no we didn't i don't think he liked us sweet man he's 71 He does not care for us at all. He's 70? Really? He looks good. He is a good... He looks good. So I heard that like actresses are all taking diabetes

medication to stay skinny. Is that right? Uh-huh. I've heard like three different people tell me that. Who's taking the diabetes medication? I'm not gonna say it. Come on. Calista Flockhart. But I wonder if like 70-year-olds are doing something too, right? Like some kind of, you know, like what was the thing?

HGH? Yeah. Maybe he's on something like that. He is in politics. They know all about that shit. Possibly. I don't know. Interesting.

I heard the amount of female comedians doing Botox blew my mind. I was shocked. Wait, you didn't know that women did Botox? I didn't know. I thought you did it maybe when you were, you know, 48. I didn't know it was so prevalent. Oh, yeah, people doing, yeah. I know girls in their 20s.

It's preventative, right? Is it? You should not. By the way, if you're 20 and you're listening to this podcast, you should not get Botox when you're 20. There you go. When did you get it? What age?

I don't know. Because I used to hate that Kardashian lip, like that puff. I don't like the puff. They all have that puff around their mouth. I hate the puff. But if you look at what the opposite of that is, like... A little crinkle here. Yeah, it's like...

That's not bad. I don't mind a crinkle. That's natural. Yeah, you know. But I guess... I don't know. Just whatever you do, don't get your lips done. And honestly, men shouldn't do anything.

Have you seen Perry Farrell? I don't know who that is. You guys don't get your lips done. And honestly, men shouldn't do anything. Have you seen Perry Farrell? I don't know who that is. You guys don't know who Perry is from? Jane's Addiction? Oh, no. Well, any man who gets... No! That's like when you get your eyes done, you know, when you get...

Looks like he runs a haunted toy store. That's crazy. Plastic surgery does not look good on men. No. Gay men maybe could get away with it. He's not gay. I don't know. I don't think he's gay.

Maybe he is. But see how cute he was? He was a hunk. I mean, he was like so hot. Yeah. Yeah, it's the eyes. The eyes are bad to do. You don't want to get your lips done.

It's like a picture that you just keep drawing. You know, a little that you just keep drawing. You know, you're like, oh, a little more, a little more. But if you actually step back and look at it, you're like, oh, I did too much. I think that's the thing with plastic surgery. They just keep going. I don't know if I know any guys who have done that. He doesn't look bad there. Wait, did, so Al Franken didn't have plastic surgery?

No, no, no. But he looked good. He looked great. I mean, he's got a full head of hair and he's hanging in there. He looked really good the way he said, huh, no. But he looked good. He looked great. I mean, he's got a full head of hair, and he's hanging in there. He looked really good the way he said, huh, after every joke I bombed. We're focusing too much on Frankie here. Huh? You can cut this out.

Keep it. Give the people what they want. He doesn't know what podcasts are, even though he has one. But, yeah, nice guy. Nice guy. Sweet kid. My best friend. All right.

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And here's the part the lawyers make us say. Warning, this product contains nicotine derived from tobacco nicotine is an addictive chemical but what isn't these days am i right good point no duh get 20 off at lucy.co with code drunk yeah he's the co he's the new co-host how did you two get together are you just like both we've known each other hilarious comedians years and years open mics the whole thing no mark forever and uh and then we during the pandemic we tried we tried this on zoom it was that thing where we talked about the the spirit of the pod was like the end of the night we were like yeah one more drink right and turns into you know 5 a.m 6 a.m we're wasted and it turned into we tried it on zoom

we'll have like a cocktail on zoom and do a podcast and it was really wasted. And it turned into, we tried it on Zoom. We're like, we'll have like a cocktail on Zoom and do a podcast. And it was really fun. Yeah. And it turned into a thing, you know? That's the one thing I will say about having a kid, that feeling you have when you're younger where you're like, let's keep the party going.

You know, like that one where you're like, okay, I could go to bed now, but if I like smoked three more cigarettes and like smoked some pot and then you have another drink and then you're kind of up till three more cigarettes and like smoke some pot and then then you have another drink and then you're kind of up till three or four like that instinct you kind of have to like squash that as an adult well you don't have to but as a parent I find because then you have to get up at seven oh thank you I'm away from my family this week yeah especially

if you don't squash you end up fighting people in a 7-Eleven. No, I know what you mean. Think about being a kid. What was the most fun you ever had? It's when you're at a friend's house, you're sleeping over, and you're pulling all night or watching movies, eating junk food. That's the best night you'll ever have as a kid. Oh, staying up all night.

You're just like, let's watch a fucking movie. Yeah, sleepovers. I remember sleeping at my friend's place and we're like sixth grade just chain smoking cigarettes watching a bootleg fight club. You were chain smoking in sixth grade? Maybe seventh grade. Love it. Really?

We were bad kids. He lives in a van. Did your mom know you were smoking? No, of course not. Until one day. You can smell it. it well we were at a friend's house but i remember yeah my mom found them once and was really pissed at me i blamed her i smoke because of you she's like why i don't smoke i was like i don't know yeah i remember

my ted hit me once and i said i'm telling social services and he was like where the fuck you learned that that was my big move. Yeah. The other day, my daughter, she kind of hit me, and I was like, ow. I said, don't do that, and I just brushed her arm away, and she started screaming police. Whoa. And she's clearly playing,

but also she must have heard that on the playground because their school's kind of mixed. So there's some older boys there and stuff. But she was like, police, police. I think she was like, my mom, she's hurting me. And I was like, that was you. Like, you hurt me. And I said, I moved her hand.

That's pretty smart. That's like diabolical. She twisted it. Oh, no. Yikes. And then somebody comes over. Iabolical. She twisted it. Oh, no. Yikes. And then somebody comes over. I heard police. She said defund.

Yeah, it's so hard. I'm trying to get over the idea that every decision, you know, like I want to make the perfect decision. Of course. Can't bet a thousand. I know. As Dr. Drew would say, just the fact that you're worried about that is already a good sign. He would say that? Yeah, that's what he always said on Loveline back in the day.

So as long as there is like the instinct of love and trying to figure it out. Yeah. Like somebody would call in and go, I'm worried about my daughter. I'm worried about my son. He would go, just the fact that you're trying to fix this problem and worried about it means you're a good parent. Yeah, being present, it seems like such a big part of that, right? I know. And like the whole, so much about having a little kid is like,

let's wrap it up. Every activity, it's just like, so do you want to play pirate ship? And then you can't look at your phone. Bonnie McFarlane told me she used to set a timer to not look at her phone when she was with her kid. And that whole time, she has to listen to Rich Voss. That's very hard.

We love Rich, by the to listen to Rich Voss. That's very hard. But, you know, just- We love Rich, by the way. Yeah. And I love Bonnie. Yeah. We love Bonnie, too. So I'm team Bonnie. We're going to get Bonnie on here, by the way.

I love Bonnie McFarlane. She is so funny. I mentioned her in my book, too. So dry and so witty. Great jokes. She's hilarious. And she has- That was the last one.

She has a great book out, too, that Anthony Bourdain did the foreword to. Whoa. And a great documentary, Women Aren't Funny. But she also, she has a really great relationship with her kid. Like, her kid really loves her. And they just seem like, you know, like, that's kind of how you watch My Kid's Gonna Hate Me. Well, she did start saying this thing lately where she's like, Mom, don't tell people things I say. Jesus. I know. And i'm just like okay so then i was like i guess i can't put this material into a special

she can watch when she's 12 yeah man louie did it it's gonna live right if i put it on tape yeah of course and then you know i think someone's like suing their parents right now for putting them on Instagram. People are very into their rights, which I understand. Then you should actually give all the money back from when you raised them. You should get the sue back. Good point. I won't joke about you. Goodbye college fund.

Raise yourself, motherfucker. I had to pay for my own college. That's why I went to City University. I went to Hunter College. But it was a good education. $1,200 a semester. Wow. What was it like being a college kid in midtown Manhattan?

It was pretty awful. Really? I mean, it was just like being poor. Yeah, yeah. I guess so. I really didn't like my time in New York. So it is always nice to come back here and be able to afford a cab. That is helpful, yeah. There was a lot of buses and subways and rats.

That's the problem with New York, too. Anytime where the rats are like... In the summer, I would see a rat every day. I know you guys do, too, right? Look, you've got to learn to live with the rats. Is that what it is you gotta learn to live with the rats is that what it is you learn to live with them I can't look I'm a native New Yorker I love New York

I can't defend certain elements of the city you just have I was trying to get my ex to live here and it's like you know we'd be walking around and she'd be like this is just like bad and I'd be like yeah yeah it's bad but it's home spoken like a true Neworker but you know look

the uh there's gonna be rats out sometimes you'll see them fucking no you'll see a homeless cock oh yeah that's a good thing to see because you're like all right they're not worried about me yeah they're just fucking each other i am the prize yes you'll see a homeless cock every once in a while, but here's what we have. LA doesn't. Pizza is slightly open later. So we got our stuff too. Yeah.

Here, here. It is getting less. The things are getting less. No, New York has got a lot of problems right now, but I do think some of the crime stuff is being blown out of proportion

by the media. I think they like to create fear. Oh, same with la everyone's saying it's like dangerous to be in la too so i think it's it's the same thing that those people are doing with cocomelon they're like trying to figure out what will not avert anyone's eyes from the story oh right i'll hear from people and they're like i hear the crime's getting pretty bad in in new york city and i'm like you live in downtown Indianapolis oh yeah this is a fucking Whitehaven community like right shit in urban areas there's always

gonna be crime they're densely populated New York there is a there is crime occasionally I'm not gonna like sugarcoat others yeah but I don't think it's as bad as people are letting you well need you to believe it's all is millions of people here so there's always crime. But now it's being kind of a show. I will say this. I saw a guy shooting up on the fucking corner here. I saw a guy shooting heroin into his hand as I'm fucking walking in here.

Today? But that's not a crime. It is a crime, I think. It's a crime, but it's not a crime against another person. Yeah, hurt yourself. People are going to start getting pissed. Yeah, the drug use is up, I will say. A lot of needles.

A lot of needles. Oh, really? I took one before your wedding, buddy. Huh? Stav and I got IV drip in my hotel room before we went to your wedding. It was great. I was hungover as fuck because I ended up at a gas station with Stav eating fried food and Ari.

And we end up in the hotel lobby. And then I was so fucked up. Wait, is this the wedding when you did our podcast? You were on your way to a wedding? No, that was Dana Gould's wedding. Oh, right, right. That was a great time, too. But this was a week ago.

And we were so fucking. We had a funny IV drip guy oh really he was calling us gay it was fucking I'm gonna put some gay porn in this IV drip and we're like we don't know what that means but stop like throw it in there buddy how did you feel

after the needle great it really does help it does it's an absurd waste of money do you guys do this a lot? I've done it. Drink or IV? IV drip. I do it more than I should.

Like once a week? No. Ten this year. Ten? That's a lot. I worked with Bert Kreischer. Yes. He does IV drip?

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. It's the only good thing he puts in his body. Yeah, that's true. And what does it do? Is it feeling high? It just replenishes you. No. It's just nutrients. They put a little hydration. Yeah, that's true. And what does it do? Is it feeling high? It just replenishes you.

No, it's just nutrients. Well, if you have a bad hangover, they put a little... Hydration, electrolytes. Not just hydration, but what's the thing? Zofran, so that kills nausea. Oh, I didn't know about that. Yeah, so they're putting a lot of vitamins in there, and it's just saline. It hydrates you.

You're back. You're like, all right, I can drink again. Could you get that from pounding water? No. It just won't get to you as quickly. No, no no way that's why you usually need to sleep it off this is like right in your vein so you're like oh i'm back i mean you literally i'm so i felt so ill yeah i put it in me and i'm like i could drink exactly really yeah i pour a little wine in my bag there get it right to the vein cake bread or cupcake cupcake yeah the nutrients

this is pretty nice actually it's growing on me now that i know it's more expensive i'm really learning to enjoy it i like white wine yeah red wine red wine can really give you a headache and so i'm just kind of like over that same i can't i can't do it with the kid no it's so hard to stay healthy being a comedian because like it's the only job where someone asks you like four times if you want to drink before you it's like if you're like no i'm not drinking tonight and then someone else comes in they're like hey can we get you something no i'm good and then by the time the third waiter comes in you're like okay fine all right fine i'll, I know. And they'll send shots on stage. I'm like, they don't do that at Broadway. You know?

It's just us. Right. Or theater. If you saw a theater actor drinking before they went on stage, you'd be like, that guy probably has a problem. Exactly. Wouldn't you think that? It's just like-

But also, it's hard to shut down after the show, too. So sometimes I'll have at least one or two because you're just like. After. Take the edge off. It's hard not to. Yeah. Well, you probably do really well on stage. Sometimes I'm like, I'm glad that's over.

You know what it is? My problem is, you guys, maybe you can help me because you're both master comedians. I will kill. But then, like, I never end strong. It's almost like against my principles. Like, it feels very, like, sports'm gonna crush i'm gonna destroy like i used to oh i used to uh open for john caparulo you remember him oh yeah funny guy he's very funny but he would get a standing ovation every night and it would be like at the exact same spot and i'm like what is how many new hours was

he putting out though? I don't know. I mean, I heard he repeated a lot of stuff. I think he's very funny. Oh, you think he figured.

I think when you're playing hits, you're going to crush harder. And like some comics like to do that. But I think if you're constantly trying to do new stuff, you're going to have dips and that's just part of the gig.

But I will say. I bombed last night. It's part of the fucking job. Sure. I was doing new shit. It sucked. You got to work it out. Well, I did this one person show a while ago and I hired this tap dancing troupe of kids

and their teacher to like come in and do a number. And they would do this thing and they're like, okay, well, if we go like this and then to the side and then do the shuffle, then we'll get a standing ovation. Then we'll get the applause break. So they kind of knew physically what people needed to hear to, like, then have everyone erupt. And so it was like this form, you know. And so I'm always like, I wonder if there's something I could be doing. Why don't you say you're crushing in the beginning.

Why don't you just move that material to the end? Yeah, is it an energy thing or what is it? Are you doing newer shit at the end? It's almost like I just, I just, I'm done. I think they can feel that.

They can feel like she wants to go. And if you want to go, they want to go. I have, I don't know. I don't know what it is. I guess it's just this idea

of making people like, wah! Right, right. I don't know. I get it. The closer is always the hardest to write. But you're right. Maybe I should put the opening thing. That's it. The closer is always the hardest to write. But you're right.

Maybe I should put the opening thing. That's killing. And then try to put that at the end. I'm like 23 years into comedy. But it's like I enjoy it so much till the end. Interesting. I don't know why that is. You got to listen to the sudden.

Maybe it's the order or something. But also, what Mark said, maybe it's the enthusiasm. Maybe you're checking out. Possibly. Maybe you're thinking about getting home. Possibly. But I do, yes, I do think that I would love to feel that sort of. Crescendo.

That feeling where I needed to have a couple drinks to come down. Like Sam. Right. He's like in his hotel room, like wired i'm so wired i don't sleep it's a problem i don't either it's uh you don't sleep i'm so bad with sleep yeah i'm on pills to sleep well mosha too he's like we you're on pills to sleep yeah saraquil you should not be taking i know that's know. Are there bad? It's horrible. And it doesn't work that well either.

Yeah, what are you doing? That's very strong. I can't sleep. I can't sleep. Have you tried weed? Like Indica? I'm doing that too. I'm doing the edibles or whatever. Indica. Yeah. But don't take the ones that like activate you. No, no, no, no. And melatonin. So funny the word activate for a weed.

I've been activated. Well well that's how i feel when i smoke weed because i smoke like the more strong you know yeah you smoke a lot um yeah that's all right you have a very you're very pleasing energy your energy is like very uh you're chill you're like an easy yes well i remember that a lot well i asked my therapist i was like should i not smoke pot and he's, I think it kind of works with your personality. I haven't smoked today. But yes, I'm pretty chill. I definitely didn't used to be.

Really? Well, I was like extremely ambitious. I was just like, I wanted to like, you know, I thought I should get into Juilliard. Like I was just like, I was just like, I had my eye. And then I like when I pivoted to comedy, I was just like, I would work so hard. I remember Ari at the time. He was,

were you talking about Ari Shaffir earlier? Yeah. He was just such a hard worker and he really inspired me and he would like, he had this like sign on his,

in his bedroom that said, you're not good till you bomb 50 times, Bobby Lee. And then he had like the numbers and then he would cross out every time he bombed and he was like on 20 and he was trying to get to 30 he's at 4 000 now you beat me to it but i remember i kept a little full i had like a little um you

know like a calendar and i would like make sure i counted every you know i was trying to like beat my record and make sure i went up like 10 times a week or this. I would like take a bus to an ice cream shop and like do a 5 p.m. show, then a 7 p.m. show, then a 9 p.m. show. And I was just like so ambitious for whatever it was, you know? And I think that. Yeah, you have to be in the beginning. That's the reason I guess what I'm saying is like having a kid just puts it into perspective

a little bit Sure, and I feel like my time is more valuable and and you know, I just don't have the energy to close strong What that is an extra incentive, I mean you're you're thinking about getting home to a kid that's not an issue that we have But I also know comedians who had kids and like like, oh shit, I gotta step it up now. They're gonna say, I gotta stretch. I'm doing another hour. I don't wanna see this fucker. No, that's how you know a guy just had a baby

because all of a sudden he puts out his tour schedule and he's in a different city every night. Just gone. I don't wanna be there. But I do think you're right, Sam. Really challenging yourself to do new stuff is hard. Like I followed Sarah Silverman the other night and she was kind of like, she had like a notebook and she was kind of going through all this stuff. And, you know, the crowd was like, whatever.

And then I went up and I was like, I'm going to kill, you know. And it's like, because Sarah was always someone I looked up to and I was like, okay. You know, and then I got off stage and I was like, wow, I can't believe I'm doing, I was so strong out there. And I was like, wait, Sarah was like making herself do all new material, you know? And like, I'm like throwing out the hits and like doing crap, you know, like killing it. And it's like, you have to be able to balance and make yourself, maybe not when you're headlining on the road, on your like tour or tour or whatever, but, you know, just being able to go up there and force your,

because you do have to bomb a little bit. Oh, yeah. Like, you don't know if this thing's going to be funny. And when you're at Sarah's level, like, where are you going to try your new stuff? You're not, like, going to, like, a cafe, you know? Right, right. And by the way, she was killing, but, like, you know,

they were definitely laughing, but it was like she was clearly trying new stuff and it's like I forget to do that sometimes but there's a middle ground you can do your A shit then try the new then go back to the A

then try the new and then you're golden I wish we had like a workshop and we could all like let's do it do you have a bit you're working on um cause I wanna throw one out too

after you guys you go first I'll go first tell me there's something here it did not hit the other night I think there's something here alright It did not hit the other night. I think there's something here. All right. I had a girl over

and we hooked up. I came pretty quickly so I felt guilty. I was like, let me go down on you. I want to make sure you get up. After you come inside her, then you go down?

I was wearing a condom. Oh, okay, okay, yeah. I haven't done condoms. I'm putting my nut in a one night stand. Well, I was thinking, I forgot people use condoms. I can't believe you're still doing that. Still?

I'll be doing it until I'm fucking married. Alright. So you came quick. You went down on her. I'm down there for a while. I've got a bad neck. I'm counting the fucking minutes. I've got a bulge disc. I'm counting.

It was a good 20 minutes for sure. It's a while. Love to smell that stubble. And then finally she just goes, okay, I came. And I was like, that's it? You think she was lying? I think she was. So I said, did you really come?

And she goes, yeah. And I was like, would you tell me if you were lying to me and she goes uh yeah i i came and i was like all right i'm like you promised you tell me i tell you and then we're hanging out watching a movie and she's like uh you know it's a long drive for me home uh do you mind if i spend the night i was like no spend the night and she goes uh are you sure that's okay with you and i was like of course she goes would you tell me if you were lying and i was like sorry to make you come. Is that something there?

I think there's something there, yeah. It just hits me there. Is there something there? Yeah, I like that. I'm trying to think of a way to make it more clear to the audience. Yeah, there's like a step is missing. Yeah. I'm so lost in the dynamics of like she has to ask you to spend the night.

It's all making me like she lied to him and now now you have to lie to her right um but that's clear that's clearly not clear in the bed maybe there's got to be some wording yeah it's like something in between like if you say uh ah i'm trying to think um maybe it's the same thing you guys say to each other. Like, yeah, babe. It's hard when you don't know the person. You should have a little more sarcasm. Of course you can. Of course I did.

Of course I came. Yeah, like if she says something about coming and then you say the same thing later that she said, just so that it really hits home with the audience. That's what I said. I said, she goes, are you sure? She goes, yeah. And she did the same thing to me. She goes, are you sure? She goes, yeah. And she did the same thing to me.

She goes, are you sure? But I think you need something more. More. More accentuated than are you sure. You tell me if you didn't. Yeah, like something like that. Just so it really hits home. Because, you know, the audience, they're idiots.

You got to spoon feed them. Well, it didn't hit with you guys either. I laughed. I laughed. Okay. Oh, come on, Mark. That was the last one. That was the last one. I swear to God.

That was sexy. Hell yeah. I'm trying to fill the dead air here. That was hot, bro. Cut that out. Wait, but we're taking a quick pause. Can we cut in your burp after my fucking bomb of a joke? I can go if you're looking.

I think that's a bit. I have one very quick joke that has been bombing that I thought was funny. All right. Let's hear it. Okay. has been bombing that i thought was funny all right let's hear it okay i was saying like um you know it's it's kind of nice getting older because now i feel like i'm like no longer a rapist first choice and so i can kind of like relax a little bit but all the women in the front you know like the hot women like then i tried to do that with a woman in the front i'm like but

you're doing like good work ma'am like i'm here for you you're in the front lines right but i think it's like do the women laugh or are they freaked out i think i think you don't do rape jokes no no no that's not true that's not true first off it's a funny joke i think it needs one more line to really because that jokes that always like push people a second i think they need one like tag i think that's really funny but i think i would say something like i'm no longer a rapist first choice you know now you know i used to i used to walk quickly home now i you know now i take my time now i linger yeah i linger a little bit i throw on my ear my airpods it'll be fine what about someone who's one out of three women are sexually abused it's like i feel like now we have all of these like statistics and numbers like right

pressing down upon us and it's like i don't want to ever be a part of the problem that makes someone uncomfortable you've been in la too long with that sentence right there holy shit i think you can say that up top be like man this statistics one in three women oh my god that's why i feel good now because i'm obviously the second choice or something like that i see what you're saying soften it a little bit. Yeah. But let me tell you something. You take that to the Midwest.

That joke's killing. You think? Oh, yeah. That's funny. These are LA crowds that are fucking like, are we part of the problem if we laugh? You know what I mean? Yeah. Where it's like, it's a joke.

You're clearly, I think, are you condoning sexual assault? Of course not. Are you mocking victims? No. This is a self-deprecating joke. not. Are you mocking victims? No. This is a self-deprecating joke. Well, it's actually making me, because I remember, like, as a woman, you walk through society and you're, like, always on edge. You're like, who's going to assault me?

Who is going to bother me? I mean, you could, what if you opened it with that? That's funny, too. And that's why I love getting older because I'm no longer. Oh, that's good. So just a little bit of context. Yeah. That's the one thing.

Because I think a rape joke coming out of nowhere, people are like, what? But if you build it up a little bit. I hear what Mark's saying. And then one more line, like, you know, something like, I can take my time. I can, you know. Right. It's about the perks of getting older. Oh, I'll stop and like adjust my, my, my nylon.

Yeah, there you go. I'll try to... But then it's like I'm trying to woo them. I mean, come on. No, that's funny. That's funny. I mean, we're doing comedy here. I feel like we didn't help you at all, Sam, though.

I'm going to come up with a wording that she says. I'm so jarred by all of the... I'm putting myself in this world of like you try to make this girl come and like i'm just like uh i don't know i i feel it's i was trying it's very it's vulgar ah that's not like a rape joke well i think it was also something funny about just like 20 minutes of me going down there and her just going, I came. It's like the end of an indie film or something. You're like, I guess that's the end.

Right. That is how indie films end. They just end. Lost in translation. The credits just rolled? That's a funny. All right. I'll throw that in there.

The credits just rolled? I don't know. Right. Even if you're going, she's like, I came. And you're like, did you come? She's like, oh, yeah. That was great. Or that was good or something. And then she's like, should I stay over? And you're like,'s like i came and you're like did you come she's like oh yeah that was great or that was good or something and then she's like should i stay over and you're like oh yeah

that's a good idea oh yeah because you don't want her to stay either maybe that was a joke that wasn't clearly that wasn't that was not clear it's all we see they help me it's all fit all right what uh what do you got mark all right well mine's mine sucks mine's weird but uh sucked and was weird mine sucked and was weird, too. Okay, well, mine will be weird. We all suck and are weird. That's a new joke. It's supposed to be new and half-baked. We're not afraid. We're putting ourselves

on the line. We're vulnerable. Cake bread. And we've bombed. Natasha, they've watched us bomb so many jokes. Mostly in the Al Franken episode. Yikes. They've watched us bomb so many bit ideas. It's been a while. We haven't done enough bits on here.

I agree. And we should do more wrecks and peeves and make sure we always get those in there. True. Give me a bit. Okay. So I saw a headline that said, transgender inmate impregnates female prisoner. And I thought, holy shit, where's that porn? You know, like it's a news headline

but it feels like i've been watching porn my whole life and it's always elaborate you know these these ridiculous videos where you're like that would never happen come on that's silly but now i feel like i watch the news and i'm like this is insane like i feel like when i'm an adult and i have kids i'm gonna go turn the news off, put some porn on. Porn has gotten so quaint now. It's like, teacher has sex with student. I'm like, that's nice. That's funny. I like that porn has gotten quaint.

Porn seems quaint compared to the news. The news is like, Jesus. Jewish space laser, kids in cages, mass shooting. It's insane. It's also funny that teacher fucks student is just the news, too. It's so connected now. Right's true mark that's definitely something there's something there there's something there like telling the kid to turn the news off what's the headline again transgender inmate impregnates female prisoner and you're like that feels like a porn it's like a prison trans porn you know and i'm

like that's just a news story so the news has gotten so nutty that i'm like i like the idea that that like all of the school shootings and all of the you know everything that's that's all the violence yeah and you know you you the porn is quaint i think you got okay that that's all the violence and then, you know, the porn is quaint. I think you got something there. Okay, that's the meat of it. I think so. All right. Yeah, I'm thinking of porn categories.

Don't make it about trans people. No, I'm not. That was just the headline that grabbed my eye. You know, it's kind of hot. Impregnates female prisoner. I'm like picturing them in a prison, you know.

It feels like a porn title. It does not really impregnate porn, is there? Oh, yeah. They always pull out and cheat on the person's face. That's true. I used to date a guy who always- I guess it's cream pie, I guess. He always wanted to, like, fuck a pregnant woman,

or he always thought it was hot. There is pregnant porn. Like, if you saw one in the grocery store, you would, like, turn it off. That's a category. Is it in a pregnant woman? That is a category. Why?

I don't know. I know guys in a pregnant woman. Yeah, but why is that? Why are you in a pregnant woman? Because it's such a feminine, that's a category why hot i don't know if he was i don't guys in the pregnant women yeah but why why is that why are you in because it's such a feminine that's such a that's a woman big i don't know like what uh a belly voluptuous maybe i don't know being a man must be exhausting are you right are you watching the vow like it's just like people are so men are so horny yeah this guy keith ranieri he's like got a cult. But he's just like every person who comes in the cult, he's like, no, you got to suck my dick. And it's just like the girl was like, I knew that every time we were alone, it was, you know, I had to immediately start sucking his dick.

It's like. Wow. But I think some guys, they just they need sex. Gotta start a cult. Yeah, you said being a guy sounds exhausting. That sounds pretty restful to me. I don't know. Wait, how many times a day would you guys like your dick sucked?

Ideally? If there wasn't like a weirdness to it. You weren't having a cult. It's like Muslims with praying. I think five. No, I'm joking. I'd be good with one, I think. One a day?

One is good. You don't want to abuse it. I think if you do it too much, it's not going to be special anymore, you know? So one a day. And then what about jerk off? Is that like if you don't get the dick sucked once a day, are you probably trying to jerk off once a day? Yeah. Yeah, I'd probably jerk off once a day.

Okay. Two on the road. Because you got that extra time. You got the extra time and, you know, you want to just. That sweet internet access. Yeah, exactly. I want to be clear-headed for the show, too. And does jacking off help you be clear-headed?

It helps me from making a bad decision on the road. That's what I was getting at. Then you don't fuck the fans or the- Well, yeah. I remember I was talking to a comic once who's married now and he was like, how do you not cheat on the road? I was like, I just jack off a lot. It helps.

And he was like, yo, that's fucking genius. That never occurred to you to just jack off? We were like, whoa. That was Adam Levine. He didn't take my advice. Wait, he's the guy who just, was he like DMing the movie? That's Murin 5. He's got a Victoria's Secret model wife, I believe.

No, but did you know what he did? He DMed the girl he was cheating on, his Victoria's Secret model wife with, and asked her, they were fucking, then they stopped. Then he asked her, do you mind if my wife is pregnant, do you mind if we name the kid after you? Oh, that was it. He liked the name sumner sumner damn and so they named yeah it was fucking sumner redstone that's crazy who's that it's like the head of icom right but it's like 95 oh okay pull

up a picture of him the joke works with a picture oh it's a guy oh okay that's even better but that's pretty fucked up. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's quite a move. Man, if we had this picture during that joke, I said it would have been pretty fun. Damn. If we had a time machine. Look at that guy.

I'm just saying. That's classic. I wonder who he thinks. That guy makes Orville Redenbacher look handsome. He had a fucking, he had a young ass wife, obviously. I mean, I'm trying to think. Oh, there you go. There she goes. Same cheekbones.

You just, I don't know what work he had done, but it like suckled the face and the neck. He's actually taking diabetes medicine. Yeah, look at that shit. Imagine fucking him. I was thinking the other day, like, I don't like big tits necessarily. He's got them. But in a woman, like, if you don't have big tits, you pretty much can't be an A-list actress or marry a billionaire. That's not true.

They all want big tits. You can be an A-list actress. What A-list actress has A boobs? I don't know, Matt. Look it up. Selma Blair? I don't know if she's A-list. Claire Danes?

Claire Danes might have small boobs. Okay. Look up actresses might have small boobs. Okay. Look up actors with small tits. Keira Knightley? Natalie Portman? Boom. Okay. All right.

All right. Your search history is going to be real weird for that wife later. Charlize Theron does not have small tits. She's just a tall lady. These are just like. Those are. That's a B. Cameron Diaz does not have small tits.

Okay. Look at that. That's Keira Knightley. All right. Her, I believe. Miley Cyrus? I mean, that's just a picture of her as a child. She has small tits.

Okay. Well, you know, marrying a billionaire? Marrying, but you might have us there. Okay. All right. Oh, Keri Russell. She was pretty. But those are not...

That's a bra. That's a push-up bra. Keri Russell was hot, dude. She's probably still really there. Okay. All right. Oh, Keri Russell. She was pretty. But those are not. That's a bra. That's a push-up bra. Keri Russell was hot, dude. She's probably still really hot. Probably. Oh, yeah. Gwyneth Paltrow. I like a small boob.

Oh, Kate Hudson's got real small ones. Small tits definitely age better than big tits for sure. But, you know. Small boobs. All the models have small boobs. Just snapping. The agreeance snap. He's pretending he's in fucking West Side Story right now.

Just snapping at Noah. I frankly haven't been talking to the bartender enough. Address him as the beer Jew, please. Yes. The beer Jew? It's a long story. Okay. Kanye named him. I'm not at all. Well, there's the Beer Jew, please. Yes. The Beer Jew? It's a long story. Okay. Kanye named him.

I'm not at all. Well, there's the Beer Jew in Glorious Bastards. He's a big, burly man, so we just called him the Beer Jew. Okay, well, I really appreciate you going to all this effort for our drinks. Look at him. There's vibes. Eli Roth. He's a hunk, huh?

You like Jewish men? No, no. That's who we're basing him on. Oh, okay. I's vibes. Eli Roth. He's a hunk, huh? You like Jewish men? No, no. That's who we're basing him on. Oh, okay. I didn't see that movie. He beats up Nazis. What we... Yeah, there was something else I was going to ask you about, and now I fucking lost it.

You wrote a book. You're not on the road. No, I have a tour, but by the time you hear this... Okay. What about Peeves? Do you have any Peeves? Oh, yeah. Good question. The booze is going to my head any peeves? Oh, yeah. Good question.

The booze is going to my head. We've been drinking all day, Mark and I. Franken. I have a recommendation. Please. Okay. Three words. Ooh.

Movie? It's a movie. Oh, okay. We're doing charades. Triangle of Sadness. I hear it's great. I don't know this one was so good pull it up it was definitely my kind of movie like very like class commentary but comedy i mean that's not a

great picture um i've heard the movies and it was so good and it was just it just reminded me what i did you ever see force majeure yes Same director and writer about the guy who like there's a snowstorm coming. And then instead of saving his family, he grabs a cell phone. Right. They remade it. Wasn't that good? But great social commentary. Really amazing.

Funny. I loved it. All right. And I kind of hate everything. Yeah. yeah yeah are you a hater for sure i just did drew barrymore and like she's one of those people who says like she's just like she can't say negative things yeah and so it's like female jimmy fallon kind of as a comedian it is so hard to like, because everything I want to say is dark, you know? Yeah, of course, same.

And it's just like to get out of that, like it is refreshing being around people like that, but I do, I am so drawn to the darkness. I am too. I think most comedians are, you know, and I think that, you know, it's just, why is it only 69%? That was such a good movie.

I don't believe this stuff. No, that shit's off. There's nothing funny about like, well, isn't this great? I mean, that's literally why we do peeves on this podcast. I know. But they're not trying to be funny. People aren't trying to be funny. That's what it is, yeah.

They're just like trying to connect. No, that's my point, though. But that's why we're like, as comics, we're drawn to like complaints, complaining, therapeutic, complaining, funny. As long as you and we have to be very conscious while we're complaining to not be a drain because there's nothing fucking worse than being cornered by a person at a party who's just a drain. Yes. I read that the royal family, that their motto in life is never complain, never explain. Whoa. And I was like, whoa, if you could do that, that would be so epic.

You might become royal. Yeah. Yeah. Or divorced. My lady would hate that. She complains a lot. You've been married for four days, Mark. I know.

It's terrifying. But we both complain. And she's always like, I don't know what you mean. You've got to talk to me. Because I'm a psycho who bottles everything up. And she's a normal person who's like, no, let's talk about it. I'm like, talk about it? No, we'll just go through life being miserable.

No, you've got to talk about it. You've got to talk about it. So she's getting me through it. I never went on a vacation until I met her. When you, it makes me. You know, it's like. Oh, yeah, there you go. You know, like speaking in I statements.

This kind of helps instead of like accusing, accusing, accusing. Right, right. I feel like scripts help me to communicate sometimes. Like when I was navigating my relationship with Moshe, sometimes I would be like, I'll just call you and we'll have this talk. And I would have like I'll just call you and we'll have this talk and I would have like bullet points you know sometimes you just have to like get the right script

that's like not accusatory not gonna set them off you know it's like there's a way to alright sophisticatedly

manipulate people I like that that should be your next book yeah how to sophisticatedly manipulate this I'm gonna see cause I'm worried about movies.

You should definitely go see it. Movies are in a bad place right now. The new Martin McDonagh is supposed to be really good too. What's that? Banshees. What's it called again? Pull it up. A lot of good horror out now and I'm not a huge horror guy.

Well, horror is the new comedy. Exactly. I haven't seen this. The Banshees of... Isherin? Yeah, it's Martin McDonagh who did like Imbrugge. Oh, it's like a sequel. I've seen his.

He had a play recently that I saw. He's awesome. He's so good. Yeah. Oh, good. I'll watch that. We're going to see that. We're going to see Triangle of Sadness.

I like the new Neil Brennan special. I saw that in Montreal. It was amazing. Very funny. Hey, he ended on something serious. Yeah, that was weird. But the jokes were great. No, we was weird. But the jokes were great. No, we love Neil.

We'll have him on. Yeah, Neil's coming on soon. We love Neil. Check out his special. I got a piece for you. Hit me. People posting photos on social media and just the caption being like, so this happened. Yeah, we know.

That's the fucking picture. That's the photo. We saw no no one's commenting i'm confused we know what fucking happened right for some reason that bugs me i'm with you i'm what about when people are like something really big's about to happen i'm posting it wednesday big announcement you guys like that no because it's never big it's never good something big's coming next day i'm getting divorced uh things are bad like that no because it's never big it's never good it's never something i want to hear something big's coming next day i'm getting divorced uh things are bad for me yeah it is big that's pretty big that i would be bad's happening something bad's coming another i got another

p for you not every fucking murderer deserves a true crime on netflix every fucking one they scrape in the barrel too like sometimes i'm watching something i'm like why are there True Crime on Netflix. Every fucking one. And they stretch it too. Sometimes I'm watching something and I'm like, why are there six episodes of this? Oh my god, the bodybuilding woman, Sally. I watched that. I watched it. I fucking hated this woman before I knew she was a murderer. She was a little slow.

This woman's not interesting and then she murdered her husband. I'm like, still not interesting. So you should do this bit instead of the one where the girls. Really? I might. I might have to. You should do this bit instead of the one where the girls really i might i might have to do both i fucking hate it dude yeah that was a weak one are you boys on tiktok i am i pay a guy to do mine i mean i i've just been starting to do it speaking of peeves because oh she is quite something oh yeah so she's a murderer i'm actually interested her husband was abusive. Would you let her do squats on your face?

Yes. Now. There aren't a lot of... How many female murderers are there? Not enough. Are you kidding? There's women who kill. My wife watches all these female murderer shows.

That's how women do it. I don't know if she deserves a pose. She's a murderer and the fucking poster the poster is this she was a marine i know but oh i don't know if you deserve the cover of your murder right you're not in rambo too like you murdered your husband that's a good point that's not a picture of dahmer with an american flag behind him just like this. He's playing volleyball at the beach. But yeah, yeah. There's too many murder docs.

They're scraping the barrel. Do you have a recommendation? Oh, let me see. I got a million peeves and now I'm blanking on them. I just had a wedding. How was your wedding? It was great. Beautiful wedding. My lady planned for months and months

and we fought over it and we spent a ton of money and all that and it turned out great my my thing if anyone's planning a wedding was always just get the cheapest option because they'd be like here's what well not with the wine but like every there's so many decisions they're like do you want white chairs do you want brown chairs do you want bamboo chairs and like everything's like an uptick you know oh yeah when everyone's sitting in the chairs it doesn't matter uh here here here you should i wish you would talk to her she went the exact opposite route uh i mean it happens and i did it in some ways but like sure you know i had a food truck i was just oh look at a Ari, drunk Ari on shrooms on the right. Wait, Mark, you wore such a cool outfit, too.

You guys look so cute. Look at those cufflinks, baby. Why don't men ever wear anything besides a dumb black suit? I went for it. There's style forcing oral sex on Ari. I was going to say, this does not look like. No, that's post-rehearsal time. No, that was the day.

You got a gorgeous wife? I mean, come on. We're all surprised. She was mail order. It wasn't cheap. There you go. There's Joe List. List singing Springsteen.

That was fucking great. What was your bachelor party? Did you have one? We went to Florida with Bert and got after it. Yeah. I wish I was there. Did you let Bert be in charge of your after party? Well, we didn't let him. He took over. after it. Yeah. I wish I was there. You let Bert be in charge of your... Well, we didn't let him.

He took over. But it was fun. I mean, I'm sure you traveled in style. We had a great time. Yeah. That's all I'll say. Great, great wedding. We buried a few ladies.

No, just kidding. Remember that movie, Very Bad Things? Oh, yeah. Christian Spader. Yes. That was a big cast. That was a fucking dark... Imagine trying to sell that now.

We kill a stripper in Vegas and then we all turn on each other. And the lead is Jeremy Piven. It's based on a true story. Well, your wife is gorgeous. I'm a lucky guy. I loved her wedding look. Yes, good look. Headband, cleavage, you name it.

A girl I was talking to at one point grabbed her headband. I'm like, crazy. Crazy. I did my Norman voice. Yeah. That'll do it. At the end, I went, marriage. It was fun.

Did you make your wedding funny? A little. We had Sean Patton do the officiating. Killed it. He was great. And Joe List gave a funny speech. See, I had a traditional Jewish wedding, and Moshe was mad that I was kind of like, I had to do a dance where I dance around him.

And he was like, oh, you kind of made it funny. But, like, it's so hard to not do something funny. And it's such a serious event. So you're a Jew. You converted, right? I did. Whoa! I mean, that's a big deal.

It's not easy to convert to Judaism. No. That's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. And now that I have a kid and Christmas is coming and she's five, I'm like, ooh. You could have Christmas, though. What was I doing? You could have both.

Yeah. Hey, we got the Hanukkah song. Okay, would you be okay if you had a Christmas tree? Yeah. He's not going to marry a Jew. Let's be honest. Ah, okay. That's not true.

Come on. I might. No, you guys would clash. Two annoying people going at it. You need a little yin and yang. Oh, you marry a girl who converts for you. Wouldn't that make you feel like a man? Yeah.

Baby, you better fucking become a Jew for me. You know what? A real power move is getting a Muslim to become a Jew for me you know what a real power move is getting a Muslim to become a Jew for me give up everything give it all up for me Palestine coming in I think I would marry a Jew I would also marry a non Jew

but I do want here's the thing we'll get a menorah for Hanukkah, but I'm cool with a Christmas tree. And also, the kids are going to be Jewish if I'm the dad. Let's be real. They're going to pick up on a lot of shit. A lot of Judaism is cultural.

That's true. A lot of it's taste and mannerisms and behavior. Did you have Shabbat growing up? No, we weren't that religious. See, he's a very loose Jew. I'm a loose Jew. A loo. Yeah.

Someone's seen my butthole. I just can't wait for your kids. Four-year-old. My back. What did I eat? Baby food's room temp. He falls off the jungle gym. Oh, I got a herniated disc in my neck.

Fuck. And my digestion. I think I'm the only comic who has Pepto-Bismol in his rider. Do you really? I do. I have caviar for two in my rider. I think I'm the only comic who has Pepto-Bismol in his rider. Do you really? I do. I have caviar for two in my rider. What? And no one's ever given it to me.

That's hilarious. Yeah, right there. Tell that to Eddie Griffin. How do you get the Pepto? Well, we do do a drinking podcast. I have chugged that many times before we have to drink on this. Sometimes we come and hung over and I'm like, dude, Mark and I had spicy Chinese food the night before we drank. It is one of those things.

So you literally will drink Pepto? Yeah. Rick Glassman gives me endless shit for this. He's like, you should be taking peppermint pills. I'm like, dude. Peppermint pills? What is he, your uncle? He out-juiced me.

You should just drink every other night. No, we don't do it every night, but we try. It's an addiction. You can't just tell a heroin addict. Yeah, we've got a problem. I'll tell you, we've got a real every night, but we try. It's an addiction. You can't just tell a heroine. Yeah, we've got a problem. I'll tell you. We've got a real problem here. You're all right.

I just realized every baby is Jewish. You bring them to a restaurant, they're like, uh. They spit up. They hate the food. You just come up with that? Yeah, that's my bit for the week. The baby, send it back. Yeah.

I don't like it. You guys are funny. You're funny. Yeah, we're fans. We're glad you came through this week. Great to have you. I'm literally, this is how guys are funny. You're funny. We're fans. We're glad you came. Yeah. Great to have you. I'm literally, this is how much we wanted you on the pod.

I'm moving in the morning. And I was like, I want Natasha in here. Aw, well, thank you for having me. No, we're glad you're here. Yeah. Buy the book. See Natasha on tour. Check out her podcast.

Yeah, Endless Honeymoon's hilarious. But this is all in November. Moshe Kasher and Natasha Leggero have a podcast together called Endless Honeymoon. They give you advice. It's good advice. It's funny advice. We have a secrets hotline where you can call in. Oh, cool.

Leave your deepest, darkest secrets. You can also just go to YouTube and you can get all the information if you can hear me above Mark burping. Sorry, last one. You keep saying that. It's like, you're like okay sorry it's cute uh hey you know what you just got married so you're living your life you got that right obviously it's okay with her oh she's a farter and a queefer wait she has farted in

front of you and you've only been married for four days she was farting in front of you and you've only been married for four days? She was farting in front of me a weekend. That's how I knew she was the one. Well, that's good. Yeah. She was sitting on my face all the time. Stop it. It was a fun gag. I gagged.

Now we know this one's run its course. It was a literal gag. Yeah, there you go. Buy her book, The World Deserves My Children. Where can you get it? You know, wherever you get your books. Amazon, Barnes & Nobles. Just go to my website.

Hell yeah. NatashaLeggero.com Definitely. Hilarious comic. Make sure to pick up a bottle. Bodega Cat Whiskey, folks. That's our whiskey. Our whiskey, BodegaCatWhiskey.com.

I will be at Tacoma, Spokane, Oklahoma City. And then bigger tour stars, New Orleans, Austin, Tulsa, Dallas, St. Louis. The I Will Never Meet a Woman Tour. Las Vegas. He's bringing his Pepto, ladies. Seattle, Portland, Salt Lake, Atlantic City, Royal Oak. This is quite a tour. Minneapolis, Madison, Milwaukee, New Haven, Boston. It's like you just had a newborn. Portland Salt Lake Atlantic City Royal Oak This is quite a tour Minneapolis Madison

Milwaukee New Haven Boston It's like you just had a newborn Miami Orlando Jacksonville Atlanta

Charleston Durham Charlottesville Norfolk D.C. Wilkes Bar and Portchester and we'll add more soon

Holy shit That's a lot of dates Samarill.com slash shows Loving it. Hey, we're in Buffalo. We're at Cobb's Comedy Club. We're at the Wilbur.

We're at Zaney's. We're at the Blue Note in Hawaii and then I got to update my website because my website person's a pothead. But we'll get on it. MortonNormanComedy.com? Oh yeah. I'm in Miami.

I'm coming everywhere. It's going to be fun. It'll be a good time. Can't wait. Praise Allah. Love you, beard fun. It'll be a good time. Can't wait raise Allah Love you beard you what do you got to promote buddy? all I got to promote right now is I'm at say less right now and Paper plane NYC for all your hospitality needs. Are you like a traveling bartender? I'm a Bar tender and bar consultant so I can help you

build your bars. Come hit me up. That's all. By the way, speaking of bars and liquor, Specs in Texas, over 200 liquor stores

carrying Bodega Cat right now, just legalized in Texas. It's moving. Yep. Bodega Cat's spreading. I think by the end of December,

this shit's going to be legal in New York City and hopefully you can drink it at the comedy cellar very soon. It's going to be everywhere uh shout out to gotham studios matt peters uh for everything we fucking love you uh koi everybody here salicues the whole gang natasha coming in get her book we love you and uh all right we'll see you guys very soon. Comedy. Comedy. Above the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous

I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be drunk