We Might Be Drunk - Ep 107: Ari Shaffir & Hanukkah Boys

Episode Date: December 26, 2022

The festival of lights is getting lit on this episode of We Might Be Drunk with guest Jew, Ari Shaffir. Ari's special on YouTube is well over 5 million views and is the worst thing Kanye has ever seen. Give the special a watch and enjoy this special episode of the Hanukkah Boys. Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/shows Ari Shaffir: https://www.arishaffir.com Visit https://www.ounceofhope.com and use code DRUNK for 20% off your first order. Go to https://RocketMoney.com/DRUNK Visit https://boxofawesome.com and use code DRUNK. https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com/shop https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com

and we're off hi guys welcome to we might be drunk the number one podcast featuring me today oh yeah my host today are mark norman and sam murrell thanks for having us on yeah you're welcome good to see you again all right jew on youtube boy you might have beat stavros's record it's already at 4.3 yeah do you feel like you got a bump due to Kanye? No question. No question. We worked it out for a while. He was like, I'm ready to go off.

I'm like, dude, give me three weeks. I'm releasing this thing in no time. Just give me a few weeks. He's like, all right, I got to meet Trump, then I'll meet with you. Yeah. He goes, it's the Arabs or you? I'm like, make it the Jews. Yeah, Kyrie too.

You got a couple. You got a couple of nice bumps. You know what's scary about the Kyrie stuff is is i'll go click on it and it's just people going facts yep sing it sister and you're like oh that's when you get scared when it's some crazy guy's talking it's funny about kanye too is like he posted like he was like i saw this here's a link to this thing i saw everyone's like fuck you fuck you and it's just on amazon though yeah It's not like he uncovered it from the hidden Nazi chambers. It's readily available. Everyone's like, no, that's fine.

But him watching it? No, no, no, no, no. Oh, yeah. I knew the anti-Semitism got bad because I got written up in this article recently as openly Jewish. Openly Jewish. That's how you know shit's getting kind of dicey. Yeah.

Well, I think the eyebrows said that. This could be. This could be. That's true. That's true. That's true. You could blend. I could blend. You can do some cast. I got some Turkish in here.

You could collaborate. We got some vodkas here. I want to try a vodka, dude. Vodka's just sour cream. Damn it. We just ate at a deli. We should have waited. You could have a vodka.

Idiots. Do you have vodkas there, too? No, I don't. Beef, barley, and a cabbage with the meat in it. Stuffed cabbage? Oh, I love a stuffed cabbage. Mark really is like this close to being a Jew. I wish.

He really is. You're like on the... Except for the hatred. I'll take everything else. I would say you're the Rachel Dolezal of Jews. Ooh, Dolezal. You're trying so hard. Yes, I'm Rachel Dolezberg.

You're Rachel Dolezal. You're Rachel. Well, thanks, Peters. You really did it up here. This is almost offensive. I was like, I didn't sign up for any of this. I'm just here to talk about my new book. Well, do you have a bit of a hatred?

Because you went so far in, and then you got the hell out. You were orthodox for a hot minute, and now you went the other way. It's like a preacher's daughter thing where you got horny so what are you saying so i'm saying do you have like a weird uh resentment towards the hebes no i did for a little bit ah now i kind of have enough distance now i have enough distance i love him but i'm like jay leno you know he got off the air for a while i've been like fuck him he sucks jay walking is lame and then you're like ah this guy's got cars he's all right i love i like. I like Jay, man. And I'm glad he's okay. You heard he just went up the other night

at the Comedy and Magic. No! His opener was, yeah, but he just was lit on fire. And Menorah got him. Wait, oh, no, I did not hear that. You didn't know he was on fire? He's all jacked up. He's okay. But his opener was, I didn't know I was a roast comic. Like, he addressed it. He had fun with it.

He got caught on fire by a menorah? No, it was an engine gasoline fire, and it got on his face, and his face caught fire. Yeah. Yeah, you didn't hear about this? It was the worst episode of Comedian Cars yet. Very hot coffee. The show really is like Comedians in Cars, but for people with germophobia. There he is, and still in the denim.

They got up denim scrubs just to be nice. We were doing an actor strike. I took out my SAG card. The commercials union was going on strike. And so we're out there picketing. Shit I didn't care about. I just needed that card. Yeah.

And he rolled by. Rolled by three times. He's like, you keep fighting. Damn. Look at that. He looks like a sack a little bit. He's got the burns. He looks like he was keep fighting. Damn. Look at that. He looks like a sack a little bit. He's got the burns. He looks like he was taken by a flip phone.

I think he looks a little off the chin. I text him. I know him a little bit. Whoa. I know him a little. I sent him a whole new OK text, and he wrote back immediately. Oh, wow. Who's this?

No, he wrote back, thanks, Sam. Wow, that's fire. Yeah. All right. Who are these fucking nurses taking a picture with a man who's just been scarred? Like, let's take a fucking public picture now. Well, he's a tough guy. He's like already back at it, rolling with it.

He'll never stop working. He hates the victim thing. There's a story that he went in one day on the Tonight Show with a broken leg. What? He broke his leg and still went in. And just went in? Yeah, he just liked doing the Tonight Show. He was like, someone will take my job.

I know it. Yeah, probably. What do we have going. He was like, someone will take my job. I know it. Yeah, probably. What do we have going on here? Whoa, watch out, Leno. Oh, my God. High-priced drinks for low prices. You said thematic, right? Yeah.

You got a shot of that there, Pete? How weird would it be if he lit himself on fire, right? I know. That'd be so appropriate. I'm taking one of these. Get a lot. Yeah. With the sound. Great touch, Petey.

How many Google sessions did you have to do to figure this out? Danielle Mavis? What? Damn, now I'm even more attracted to her. What are we doing, Beer Jew? Is she Jewish? Danielle, come on. No wonder she likes soda.

Soda could pass. How many comments could pass? A good amount. A good amount. What do you call this? Is that challah? This? Yeah.

No, it's marble rye. Or babka. No, babka. Babka gold weight. And then what's the try for there? That's a hamantashen. Hamantashen. You want a story of that?

Please. Okay. Didn't Glassman tell this story? Uh-oh. What is it? There was a king. Hamant. No, there was a king, Achashverosh.

And anyway, he didn't like his queen. He was like, hey, bring in this queen. Hey, dance naked for my fucking friends here. And then she was like, no. And he was like, you're banished. The story is she probably had herpes. Herpes scars. She wanted to show them off to the fucking card game.

Anyway, so he wanted to hunt for a new queen. And this guy Mordechai, Morty, as it were, told his niece, he had one hot niece, and he was like, Esther. And he goes, Esther, I want you to enter the competition for best queen ixnay on the u-nay don't fucking say you're a jew it's gonna work against you anyway smart move by a

fucking smart manager she hides it she wins queen he's like you're the hot one let's fuck so they fuck for a while you know um and then the king's right-hand man haman he wore this three-cornered hat that'll come back yep yep and uh he goes hey you know the jews and i was like yeah he goes can we should like kill them right and he's like uh yeah whatever that's cool and so then he's like everyone's like all right by eating the king you kill fucking jews and jews you can't fight back and they're like fuck the law's the law. And then right then, Esther's like, hey, I got some

news for you. He's like, what is it, my love? She's like, I'm a fucking Jew. Oh, shit. And he's like, what? Oh, you're going to hate this law. She goes, no, no, no, I know about it. Can you change that law? And he goes, you can't change Edith of the king. And he goes, okay, no, no, I know about it. Can you change that at all? And he goes, you can't change it easily to the king.

And he goes, okay, well, then how about Jews can fight back? And he goes, all right, good compromise. So the big win was we were allowed to defend ourselves. And at that point, the people were like, this isn't as fun. So they went and got Hamon. They fucking strung him up. Three-cornered hat he always wore. So now.

This is a tribute. Yeah, it's a tribute to the fucking, who we hung. Whoa! Yeah, and then something in there is we got, I think, Achashverosh dead drunk or something. And so now we're supposed to get drunk on Purim. Oh, wait, that's Purim. Uh-oh. That's a Halloween.

Oh, yeah. No, completely wrong story. Ah, jeez. You should do a special about this. Can you hand me a hemoglobin? Wait, these aren't for Hanukkah. Huh? It's a Purim thing.

They're still good. All right. You're like a cool rabbi. Yeah. There we go. Let me grab one. Ooh. You're not interrupting me.

I feel like a congressman. Who's got that old joke? I went into the Jewish deli and I said, how much does the challah cost? That's pretty good. Al Franken? I think it's Big J, actually. Big J and the in the roast he made me read it that's a funny joke yeah holla cost said we all missed that one it's right there so uh yeah man hanukkah what day of hanukkah are we doing this on by the way is this the last day eight crazy nights yeah when is it exactly do you still

celebrate it or no? No, but I'll light up a menorah. If I'm going to a holiday party, it's fun to bring a menorah and you're allowed. You know, regular fucking Christmas party. Look guys, I got you. And then everyone left lighting it up. It's so fun and odd. How do you feel about Christmas songs in a bar like this time of year?

Not loving them. Yeah. They're not good songs. Okay. Some of them are good. Some of them, eh. Come on. Yeah, yeah. Santa Claus is coming to town. The Waitresses is a good song. They have a good song.

The Waitresses? Yeah. It's like I'm skipping Christmas tonight. Man, those are great. It's the best song. Waitress is a Christmas song. That's those are great. Yeah, those are good cookies. It's the best song. Which is a Christmas song. That's it. You got it. I was flying all day, and I was literally just thinking about when I could have a drink.

Yeah. I don't want to blow the energy, you know? Thank you. I wanted some energy for this shit. Cheers, by the way. You didn't have to connect. Congrats on Ari Shafir, too. Oh, yeah.

Guys. On, I don't know where it's going to be by the time this comes out. Let's assume five million. Oh, yeah. That'd be very nice. Welcome to the YouTube club. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, we're all in there. You guys fucking broke down the barriers.

It'll be an 11 million. I remember we'd have these long sidewalk conversations, Ari and I. I'd be like, YouTube? And Ari's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's a move. Like, it's the future. You were thinking about it like a while back. Yeah.

Where you're like, maybe I'll put it on like a while back yeah we were like maybe i put it on rogan's youtube maybe you were like you didn't know but now it's like you built up yours and now it makes the most sense oh yeah yeah i'm so stoked on it so many people see it very good yeah and it's niche you're the only guy who could pull this niche off if somebody else did a show about just a la or something it wouldn't get four million. It'd be on the FBI's Most Wanted. Yeah. I tried to make it funny. That was what I wanted to do. Above all, get laughs. Yeah.

And it did. And it looked great with the candles. It looks so fucking good, right? And I think it's at your place. Roulette, right? Yeah. It's a testimony to fucking just do some set dressing. Things don't look the same oh yeah you can't really tell

Chris DiStefano shot a special there Gary Goldman so many people is that right yeah they all look so different I went and scouted it

and I was like okay have you ever done a special here and they're like those two Sam Morillo I was like oh I was at that

you were there and I didn't even remember I got a picture of you giving me the finger like two inches from my face in the green room it's a gem that is a gem

I don't know. I think Rich was too autistic. Yeah, dude. Look how pretty. I mean, what is that? 4,000 candles? 6,000 candles. Wow.

Almost 6 million. Almost. Getting there. All right. Yeah. It's been really good, though. Have any prominent Jews reached out to you? Ooh. No. you would think

somebody would. I'm waiting for Ben Shapiro to be like, what's up? Let's go. Yeah. No one, no one. There's got to be someone. Woody Allen? Prominent Jews. No, you would think it would come across their radar. It's only been out for three weeks. Yeah. Harvey's a calling. If Harvey calls, I'm taking that call. If Epstein were

alive. Collect call from Ben Shapiro. Oh my God, I just watched a Jel If Epstein were alive. Do you collect call from Benetton? All right. Oh, my God. I just watched a Jelaine Maxwell Netflix doc. Have you seen that? Does it have a doc on her already? Yeah.

No Epstein doc? There is. It's the same one. Filthy Rich. Oh, okay. I've seen that. Hanukkah Gelt, baby. Hanukkah Gelt.

The candy that's shaped like money. The people who can't stop thinking about it. Not doing wonders for our stereotype. Not really at all. Wait, it's called guilt? All right. No, that's what they call it can't stop thinking about it. Not doing wonders for our stereotype. Not really at all. Wait, it's called guilt? All right. No, that's what they call it if you don't get it.

Oh, so it's the same doc. Yeah. All right, all right. It's a new one, though. She got her own. Oh, she got her own. Yeah, Jelaine Maxwell, Filthy Rich.

Oh, they couldn't even put her on the cover. No, she got her own. Okay. All right, we get any side boob? She was a piece back in the day, dude. She was a piece.

She was a dime piece. Oh, yeah. Well, she's a rich kid. Imagine going from dime piece side piece to just groomer. Yeah. Bummer. That's how much she loved money. She couldn't stand being poor, so she's like, I'll just get this father figure.

Some girls. Epstein. She couldn't stand being poor, so she's like, I'll just get this father figure. Some girls. Epstein. She's like, I mean, it goes to show how much the dad and parents that all play a role, but her dad was like Epstein, minus the pedophilia. Was he really? He was always fucking around the mom and a shitty guy. And then she's like, I'll just attach myself to another guy like my dad. But he's like, well, this daddy has got some even weirder quirks.

Yeah. Yeah, I describe pedophilia as a quirk. That was probably a misfire. But she was in on it. She was scouting for him. She was the front office. Right. Yeah, she was making the moves.

She was making the moves in the early days. Oh, yeah. She was hot in her day, though. Don't love her eyebrows. Look at her with Trump and whoever the fuck that is with Trump. She's hot. Young Julie ain't giving those foot massages on a jet. Who's that chick with Trump?

Was that Melania? She's one of the hottest chicks in history. She was something back then. She still looks good. I've seen her naked. Have you? Yeah, pull them up. Who, Melania?

It's my wallpaper. But yeah, she was like a cover girl for a hot minute. And an escort, I believe. Remember she was the first lady? Oh, yeah. Wasn't that wild? There we go. Wait, that's Gisele? That's Melania? Oh, yeah. No, for a hot minute. And an escort, I believe. Remember she was the first lady? Oh, yeah. Wasn't that wild? There we go. Wait, that's Gisele?

That's Melania? Oh, yeah. No, it's like Debbie Harry. Yeah. Debbie Harry. No hair on her. Debbie Harry. Look at that.

I mean, come on. That's the first lady, folks. What a country. What a cunt. Tree. Man. This is pretty good. This is pretty good. What do we do? we do men with ketam grape juice all right so there's this there's this popular golf course drink called the transfusion it's just grape

juice ginger ale and vodka okay so we made it honokin you know in light of in light of special in light of doesn't sound right at all well we, we're lighting the monocle. In honor of. In honor of. Fair enough. So it's Ketam grape juice, ginger ale, and our bodega rye with a little bit of lemon. And then a little lemon with brown sugar roasted. What is Ketam? Is that a Jew thing?

It is. It's grape juice. It's a Jew thing? It is. It's grape juice. It's a Jew juice thing. It's just a grape juice that's used. Grape juice. Isn't it funny? In lieu of like red wine and stuff. Okay.

Well, Norman's got that joke about how like we're lucky we're not attracted to kids. Like when I was- Oh, yeah. How's that go again? When I was a kid, I liked grape juice. Now I like red wine. When I was a kid, I was attracted to young girls. Now I like older women.

But I still like grape juice. Yeah. yeah something like that that's been a while it's like it's like man i think of that every time i see grape juice all right that's so great you see a bit like i'm thinking about it every time i see a neck tattoo i think of todd berry's bit you forgot to not do that so easy or so simple but so funny and in his voice just like the sarcastic dick yeah atel's got a million of those where you're like oh that's an atel bit oh man i was watching atel on ian fydance late i was it was wednesday night of thanksgiving and i was just wasted liz and i were just pounding martinis i love drunk sam and and i was just in the doorway watching atel and ian and i was just it was like, you ever just like watch comedy?

You don't do it enough anymore. I was dying, man. And you just hope Dave doesn't see you because then he's going to bring your ass in. He saw me and he was like, he goes, is that one okay, Sam? Come on, man. That's for a laugh. I'm dying. I'm dying. Yes, it is. Literally the quickest guy on the planet. I saw him

talking to a lady the other night. He goes, ma'am, you like a vibrator? She goes, I just use my fingers. He goes, mmm, acoustic. He said to Ian, he goes, are you dating anyone? He goes, I just had a breakup. He goes, I didn't know you could break up with a cat. That's nice. So good.

So good. They have a great rapport. They do. They're so good together. Yeah, they really do. What a combo. And they share cigarettes, which is cute. They share cigarettes? No, they have, I rapport. They do. They're so good together. Yeah, they really do. What a combo. And they share cigarettes, which is cute. They share cigarettes?

No, I mean, like packs. They don't only pass one back and forth. No, that would be weird. That would be weird. Hey, Dave, let me get a hit off that. What? Jewish food? It gets a bad rep?

I'm loving this shit. Jewish food's great. Yeah. You know why we get a bad fat? Gefilte fish. It's all basically about what it is. That's gross. And guess what?

Gefilte fish is kind of good. Come on. If you put horseradish on it. If you put the horseradish, the red kind or the white kind. It's just jello, right? It's jello. It's a meatloaf. It's fishloaf instead of meatloaf.

I love that this is so ingrained in who Ari and I are that we can't turn on gefilte fish. It starts with gefilte fish and then it goes to kugel. You can't have it. We're the NRA. It looks like hell. I like it. We're the NRA. Oh, it looks like hell. I like it. I know. We're going to get killed in the comments.

They got me that in helium once, and they're just like, we got you a thing of gefilte fish. And I was like, I'll play this place again. Oh, wow. He took it out of your pay. Oh, yeah. That's, yeah. No. That's the gross.

That's the natural kind. You want the unnatural kind. Right. That's the natural kind. You want the unnatural kind. That's its original form. Peanut butter. You don't want that oil. Give me the jif. The oil's too much. The peanut butter oil is like, get the fuck out of here.

You're going to stir it like you're a wicked witch. What am I, Amish? Give me the jif. That's what you want. The unnatural kind that you're slicing up. What? That's what it looks like? That's the better kind.

I thought it was green For some reason What do you think it was I was picturing jello You ever eat like And also a lot of Jewy food is also like Kind of that Ukrainian Russian type food

That I like Borscht Borscht What do you call those Polaro Polaro I got a bit of guys At Cholent sometime

Over this winter I don't even know What that is It's an Eastern European Jewish stew Pull it up C-H-O-L-E-N-T. Let's call it that.

Cholent. There we go. This goes down. Oh, yeah, baby. I'm bringing it in. It's hearty. Looks like a chili. Mm-hmm.

Pierogi. That's what I'm thinking of. Slow cooked. Pierogis are great. So good. 15 hours. Wow. That does look good.

It's like a slow cooker if you're not bombing anybody with it. It's like a pot roast. Damn, that looks so good. Oh, that's right cooker if you're not bombing anybody with it. It's like a pot roast. Damn, that looks so good. Oh, that's right up my alley. Especially in the winter, man. Yeah. Boy, that'll make you really shit. I kind of, going back to the Christmas music.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I kind of like a good, like getting loaded in a bar with Christmas music playing. Rocking around. Why? You already feel like you're a tourist? A little bit. You feel like you're passing through.

Yeah. And then you go out and that cold wind hits you in the face. It's kind of fun to drink. Also, you know what I love about the winter drinking is the warm drinks. We've got to get on that. We've got to get on Liz. We've got to get this either mulled wine or hot cider. Hot cider is big.

Mulled wine. Hot toddy is underrated. Hot toddy is a killer. Hot toddy is underrated. Love it. That's what we should call Todd Berry from now on. Hot toddy. I've been getting on it for years.

Make a fucking mulled wine. Love a mulled. Don't do it. And you smell it in the distance. Smell it. Got the apple stick or whatever that is in there. Mulled wine is definitely the move. Cinnamon stick.

Over a hot toddy I would say. Really? Because it's easier to bash and easier to serve out to a lot of people. What is mulled wine? Hot toddy is like you're going to have to do it individually. But you can just warm up something in the microwave or something. Yeah. I mean, no. You have a kettle or whatever What is mulled wine? Hot toddies, you're going to have to do it individually. But you can just warm up something in the microwave or something. Yeah, I mean, no, you have a kettle or whatever, but mulled wine is just nicer.

It's hot sangria, effectively. It's hot sangria. I don't know if I've ever had that. No, mulled wine is delicious. It's good, it's good. Really, really good. It will make me stop. If I see a sign outside a sandwich board that says mulled wine,

I'm going in. 100% yeah. And it warms you up. We've got to do an ep with that. We can absolutely do that. All right. When I back over the summer. And then what is in a hot tub?

That's whiskey. Whiskey, tea, cinnamon. It's for when you're sick. Usually cinnamon, cinnamon and other spices like cardamom. That's what alcoholics drink when they're sick.

It's like Boston people. Like this will help you get better. Don't not drink. Just get better. Speaking of Boston people. Yeah. Like I was in Fort Wayne over the weekend and we're just watching movies in between the shows so dina had never seen the town and i was like oh the town is so good such a fucking good i love the town so good that's so fucking

underrated that movie it's great like what do they take over fenway yeah of course yeah like every scene affleck's rocking like a brun shirt. He's like, can I wear my own stuff? Buy the movies you can wear your own shirt. No costume designer. There was a hot minute when the 10-year, 9-year span where Boston was everything. It started with Good Will Hunting and then it went to town. It was like townies. Departed.

Mystic River. Gone, baby, gone. It was a lot of Boston. It's because of that writer Dennis Lehane. They could just adapt every one of his books into a movie. They just fit perfectly in movies. Right, right. What's the one he did with that chick from E.T.? Drew Barrymore?

Yeah. They had a romantic comedy. Oh, Fever Pitch. Fever Pitch. Another one. Boston. Now the Beantown. And then they just won every championship in sports for 15 years.

Yeah, that's true. Nobody liked that. No one rooted for them. Oh, dude. They had one Red Sox. Now Brady's gone. Oh, the cop. Can we play this?

Yeah, we can play this. All right. Yeah. They let him go. He's like, get out of here, man. Do we kill this guy? That's very realistic. I could see a cop just being like, ah, fuck it.

Yeah. Literally looking the other way on the nose. Also, the scene with the florist where he's cutting the road oh yeah scary guy that's the one that like really got me pete posselway's how's that guy live with himself how about you know he's like fuck i'm dead if i do anything if i just but also they're gone now calling it oh that's true and he made a deal with him he He's honorable. What about the classic? It's such a cliche, but it's such a badass line where Affleck just walks in. He's like, I need you to beat up some guys with me. You can't ask me about it now.

You can't ask me about it later. And we're going to hurt some people. And Renner just goes, whose car are we taking? Oh, that's a badass moment. I butchered the line. That's a friend. Oh, yeah. It's badass a friend. Oh, yeah. It's badass as fuck.

Oh, the fighter was another one? Yeah. I can't tell you what it is. You can never ask me about it later. I'm going to hurt some people. Yeah, you nailed it. This is his best role, Renner. Renner?

This is before Marvel, right? Yeah. Dude, I did a commercial with him. You did a commercial with him yeah jeremy my first commercial he was he was he we did two kia commercials he was in the other one we had to go to the grand canyon what did he go to monument valley pull it up wow but yeah he did the other one is that it there he. I was friends with that girl. I feel like Ari's about to get cut out. This wasn't the one I was in. This is the other one, but this is the one he was in.

Why? He's so young. That girl was so hot. I was friends with her. She looks like Branovich or the Miss Maisel. Maybe not. Was he reading the manual? Wow. Here we go, Ari. No, that's Jeremy Renner's. Was he reading the manual? Wow. Did he get this one? 2001? Oh, here we go.

R.A. It'd be that, but no, that's Jeremy Renner's. I'm in a different one. Oh, I thought you said you were in it with him. We both, we shot, he shot that one, I shot mine the same day. We were out there together. He said he had just done this movie. They wouldn't release it yet called Dahmer.

Oh, really? It's an independent movie. They won all these independent spirit awards, but he goes, they won't release it. I'm on fucking SAG. They're helping me out with my rent, because I can't pay my fucking rent this movie's gonna come out i don't know it might do something they want all these awards and boom boom boom i didn't realize he was a diamond i didn't either cool guy this is uh oh that was ari oh that was the old ari let me see he had the hair and the beard hey now is this after Amazing Racist?

Yeah, right on the same time. Man, you had a moment. Yeah, this is after. Good to have you back. Thanks. All right. That's like the Ari that would have been a rabbi. Yes.

I was shortly out from that. I couldn't feel how to put it in both worlds. Now, where are we at on pay? Because commercials used to pay. Dude, that Kia commercial, it's not up there i guess but like but like it gave me like 20 or 40 grand over like a two-year period which is like you know you get making nothing the taxes on the shoe were the biggest check i've ever seen how was the audition easy i just got out of my car and yelled my fake car come to mind my valley look at that well you had a look i had a look that's most of it can you pull up me in a toyota commercial no way yeah yeah comedy central thing

yeah i remember this i think i made you know six grand on this but still i remember you got that i was like whoa it was huge they closed down brooklyn bridge i got to drive across it with a big uh oh this is it how did you find this? Salamanca. He's good. Comedy Central brings you on the road. Kyle Kinane. Look how young. I was fresh-faced. There's me working on bits, fakely.

In a place you can't afford. Thank you. The whole gag is I'm driving around and I see shit. I'm like, that's a bit. Like you would never be able to drive in New York. That's an LA thing. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Old New York Comedy Club, too. Yeah. That took two days. Wow. That was a nightmare. Yeah, it was a nightmare. What was that Doritos one? I don't remember Doritos one.

You did a Doritos commercial? I don't remember Doritos commercial. That's a big ad. All right. Oh. Oh. all right oh oh i remember this i was doing fake commercials to cover up for the fucking drug sponsors i'd always have i can't put that on youtube i'm kind of loving these sweatshirts right now. Oh, man. Not bad at all. Matt Peters bringing the heat. Yeah.

Every week. People be, should we light them an order and say the prayer? We'll do that later. I want to hear it. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to be all over the place, but I know the words. I just don't know the order. Now, here's the question.

Would the Defamation League go after you guys if you said an offensive joke, or is that okay? No, they've gone after me. I was in the Simon Wiesenthal Center for hate speech once whoa really yeah wait there's a center for hate speech how do i get tickets you got it let the shamish first you did it right wait all right now do the prayer i gotta know it wait wait you gotta say the prayer first I got to know it. Wait, wait, wait. You got to say the prayer first. Then you light it up. You got it? Baruch atah Adonai. Whoa. Is this right?

Yeah, yeah. So far. Eloheinu melech olam. No, this isn't right. This is the wrong one. Yeah. Like we would know it. L'hadlik nersho Hanukkah?

Yeah, that's the ending. Yeah. There's something else, though. Hava. Hava nagila. You couldn't even get the right two words. Hold on. Hold on.

I'll get it. No, it's Bahut. This is adorable. I don't know. It's a beautiful language. Bring it up. I'm a shitty Jew, guys. I'm sorry.

You're doing pretty good. It's been a long time for me. Don't forget to watch my special on YouTube right now. Yes. Eloheinu melech olam. Ashir kedishana b'mitfasov. V'tivan lechler. V'hadlik ne'er she'fah nu'ka. Wow. Hey.

Suck it, Kanye. Yeah. There we go. How do you remember that? It just sounds. No, mixing up the order there. Ouch. You missed.

T'adonai. Five million, that's for my hits. My hits on YouTube. You gotta do a party for 6 million. This one's for the Jews that died. We're even now, guys. Yes, yes. This one's for the days we have to give before we evict you. And half a candle for Lenny Kravitz. And 8 is how long the Jewish chicks periods

are. Alright. Great blowjobs from Jewish chicks. Shalchanukah. Here's why this is not real. Because a chick's singing it. Not in my community. It's messed up, bro. Oh, I had a great moment on my Connect flight today where, you know, you have to gate check

all the bags with the pink tags. Yeah. And you're in that little thing where they pull down the thing and they have to gate check all the uh bags and the pink tags yeah and you're in that little thing where they they pull down the thing they have to lift it all the way up you either get it handed to you the bag or you get the thing they have to pull up like the garage door yes this woman was we're all freaking out because it's atlanta we're trying to make our connection all of us and it's all these fucking midwestern people who are too polite to say anything thank god they got a new yorker there but all the people there like the woman's like i can't get it open they're like all like ha ha ha but i was like lady we got fucking connections yes come on and she was like okay i'll call help and she called help it's two other women with like long fingernails i'm like yeah this is gonna help

they come they can't figure it out 20 minutes of this well i'm like i'm gonna miss my connection because they can't figure out how to open a door. A thing that they've used multiple times. It's not, but it's their job. It's a janky, it's like from the 80s. We were talking about this.

I've seen those. So then they call a guy, I shit you not, a guy shows up in a hat, kicks it, it just opens. Fonzie showed up. I was like,

come on. And you want to vote? I'm like, guess what? If the New Yorker doesn't snap, we don't make our flights there's a place for politeness it ain't there

that's a good sketch a New Yorker in certain areas where you need them getting shit done whoever you are it's like fuck we're not getting anything done they need us to drive you somewhere we're like yeah we're fucked Alec Baldwin shows up he's like alright I'm out of here some tuk tuk driver's trying to shake you down for some extra Thailand bot and you're like oh I don't know New Yorker's like I know the price you've got to'm out of here. Some tuk-tuk driver's trying to shake you down for some extra Thailand bot. And you're like, oh, I don't know.

New York is like, I know the price. You've got to be out of here. We're good at confrontation. Yeah. Yes. That's one of our only skills. It's because there aren't guns in the city. That's why we're good at confrontation.

That's a bit. I do have a bit along those lines, but that's not the bit. But it's true. That's why we are good at confrontation. Yes, interesting. I still remember some fucking lady, norman and list seeing an awful casey affleck movie about a ghost casey affleck oh movie stars spent 95 of the movie in a an actual sheet it was so bad it was trying to be artsy pretentious brutal worst 100 What? No. No, it's not. Pretty high up. Pretty high.

Casey Affleck is a ghost? And Rooney's in it. That girl, Mara Rooney. Rooney Mara? Rooney Mara? Is it Rooney Mara? Yeah, the ghost. Look at him.

He's in a fucking ghost outfit. Whoa, I didn't know that. That's him. That's Casey Affleck. Where'd he use your actor? It looks like a parody. Salacuse could have done this role. So bad.

Sundance. Get out of here. Get the fuck out of here. This must have been the cheapest movie to shoot of all time. 5.2 million views. Wow. For this trailer? 8.24 is a little bit on their own dick.

Oh, yeah. A little bit like, you know when they throw up the- An 8.24 film. You could just feel them being like, yeah, we're fucking 8.24, dude. That's right. We'll do whatever we want. But anyway, we're walking, strolling, eating eating some ice cream and some lady's like oh like i should try to get by us you remember this oh yeah and and somebody one of us was like what's her problem we're all like

she's gonna die soon she's gonna fucking rush this fucking bitch fuck you it was just like why did i pick on comics yeah we're trying to make a movie here, sister. Yeah, that movie's stuck. I remember I stole a bunch of beef jerky. Stole beef jerky. He took the highest level priced item. I turned, bought some popcorn. You fucking five-finger discount. They serve beef jerky? What's one of these high-end theaters?

High-end. 824 type theater. And we were the only people in there, by the way. Yeah, sushi turn for my popcorn. Snitchy snitch. Yeah. There used to be a theater on the Upper West Side. It was like 61st Street or something, and they had cashews.

And it's like, you know you're getting some good movies. Yeah. And they're serving cashews. You're a high-level nut. You know you're getting a fucking foreign or a Woody Allen film. Right, right. If you do insulted nuts at the concession. You're getting a nice snack.

The Angelica used to serve quiche. No joke. I remember that. I swear to God. Yeah, they might still do that. They might still do that. They might still. Yeah. Yeah, I went there on a hot date in 2007. The quiche was the hot part.

Yeah, it was warm. Did you score? I think I did. What did you say? Juno. Oh, good movie. That's a winner. Jason Reitman's got some fucking winners. Oh, yeah. He's good. Thank you for smoking. Up in the air. Oh, yeah. He's good. Thank you for smoking up in the air. Oh, yeah.

He's got some bangers, dude. What is Ivan? Ivan just passed away. He did? He did. Of what? I don't know. It was sudden.

He was like 75. I met him. I met Ivan. I met with his company a long time ago. He was a nice guy. Wow. Jason Reimann always came to the belly room. One belly room show.

That's right. Either Roast Battle or Ding Dong Show. Roast Battle. Roast Battle He was a nice guy. Wow. Jason Reimann always came to the belly room. One belly room show. That's right. Either Roast Battle or Ding Dong Show. Roast Battle. Roast Battle. Yeah. Cool guy. Yeah, he's a fucking great director. Fuck him. Ivan's a legend. I mean, Ghostbusters, Stripes, that guy made so many classics.

If there was a good comedy with titties in the 80s, that guy made it. Yes. He really used a titty he did yeah he really used one was pre-porn yeah pre-internet porn that tit was a big deal yeah it wasn't skating by it he was letting you see it it's funny because a tit still hits like i was on a you know we see tits all day long you can put your fucking instagram they almost show tits twitter has tits but i was on an airplane and i could see like eight screens over A boob was on the screen And I was like

I could have put it on mine But the fact that it was On someone else's Was so hot It's a more forbidden tit Yes Yeah It's a voyeur tit

Yeah And it's a public place too It's a show me It's also a voyeur Envoyer It's like meta It's like a meta tit Yeah

Meta tit Meta tits are the best tits Yeah There's something about it. He directed Aislinn and Tigress of Siberia? Oh, okay. He produced Aislinn. He also made Todd Phillips' career. Really? He produced

he found Todd Phillips. Where'd you find him? Because he was Todd He did, no, I mean he found him, I think he produced Road Trip which was his first big movie. Whoa. Do you think your presence in Joker put Todd Phillips over? over yeah i think he was teetering on the edge and i i definitely yeah i definitely helped i heard that theory before it's called the marilla effect oh look at that dick fuck me i hate you just see a picture of yourself you're like fucking kill me oh yeah

sam a real on his role and who who that's a youtube for you sam's mom cut this oh come on what are you doing oh you can hear it yeah no but todd if you it's a musical yeah i have got pipes you need someone to sing Luck Be A Lady I'm your guy It's a musical Luck be a lady Tonight They call you Lady Luck Is that Moe Sislak? Yeah

If you're doing The Muppets movie Sam was there for you Dude you gotta That Muppet Babies Theme song Has been in my head Long and hard

I can't believe No Jews have reached out Because this is like You're This is great I'm a little upset That no Jews I've been off the grid For the last 10 days That's a problem People have reached out because this is great. I'm a little upset that no Jews. I've been off the grid for the last 10 days.

That's a problem. People have reached out and you haven't checked your Instagram. Yeah, maybe I'll ask Kyla. Any Jews reach out? Because she's like, I don't know. They all look like Jews to me. Well, we got lucky because we got Ari a day before he's going to disappear to Thailand or wherever the fuck he goes for three months.

He's going to be gone like Rambo or something where some general has to find him in a hut. Except instead of a general, it's an assistant from CAA who has to knock on the door while he's meditating. Ari, we have a gig for you. Enjoy the beacon. There you go. This was a banger in my day, dude.

Now, do you have the thing where because you did a special a couple months ago you just had one out now yeah right now and now you gotta go you're gonna sell some tickets off the back of this thing you gotta have a new you gotta have a new shit i was very lucky this time because the lakers came after me pretty hard so i had to stop doing this hour for a little while oh i already worked on another hour. Plus, it's so long building this one. All my leftover material, all the shit that was like...

By the Lakers, who do you mean? Blacks from LA. Because I just picture like, you know, John Sally. There's the pipe, you know. Rick Fox. An early Vlade. Yeah. Yeah, so I had leftover material. Like any like a weird like i got a dog it's like it doesn't fit in the jew hour but like i still do bits about it so i

had like leftover jokes i was already ready to go ah so that was no problem and i'll talk to schultz about it it is annoying you finish especially like oh fuck that's why he's in fort wayne well you built i i've got like a new 50 that's passable. I can get by with like 50. Well, it's not like special worthy, but I can get by with it. It's sellable worthy. Yeah, it's getting laughs. You can morally charge a crowd for this. Yeah, it's hitting all the way through.

It just needs to be better to be put in a special. So I'm going to take my time with this next one. Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm going to do? Because I did it this time where I stopped, whatever, put it away, went on fucking holiday for, you know, COVID and then whatever else, and then did other material. And then I was like, all right, let me try to do this fucking special. So then I started doing it again for eight months or so.

But then I left it for like a year, and I was like, damn, I could fucking tighten all these bits. I saw it like fresh again. You know, you guys are better joke writers than I am. But like i could see it from the outside going like damn that's too long a setup these two jokes are almost exactly the same right what's your process for that when you listen to bits like how do you how do you cut the fat and how do you like i have trouble with it cutting the facts i'm like this is good this

is great this is great this is good i'm like well good and better i want to keep it but you gotta be like nah the good's not that good yeah sometimes there's a line for you. That's the problem, though. Sometimes there's a line for you that you want to walk that line between being indulgent, because there's bits where I'm like almost cut, and it turns out to be someone's favorite line. Well, yeah. When I was doing This Is Not Happening editing, I was like, you know, showed the

comics. The comic section wouldn't let me, but I just did it anyway. I was like, hey, tell me your notes on this. I'll pretend like they're my notes. And so I one to mark and i was like i'm gonna cut this line this line tell what you think and mark's like no no that's like a catchphrase of mine i want to keep that in oh yeah okay like i would never have known tried to cut comedy yeah i think something like that when he's like comedy like that's a weird tick uh what that was i didn't get a laugh but you know out of all the shows we've, no one more hands-on with the editing

than you. That was pretty great. I don't know if you guys saw. And you fought for comics fucking hard. Oh, yeah. Like, I mean, the Doug Smith set, which I think is like an old timer. Oh, my God. What a banger.

That's an old timer. Him and Louis Katz, too. Yeah. Yeah. I had to go down to the New York Comic Club so many times to watch Doug do that. I was like, hold on. I got 10 minutes. I'll go watch it.

Who's doing that, by the way? That's insane. That's very cool by the way that's insane that's very cool yeah like what's your show i mean you wanted you took pride in your show i think that's yeah how it should be came with another way to lie to get new york comics in be like we don't have the money to fly people in it's first class and we have to put them in a hotel we just don't have the budget for that and i was like what if they were just here randomly like well then we could look at those locals i'm like i'll talk to you guys in a minute look at that yeah he made it happen i booked norman that way i booked big that way. I booked Big J that way.

I booked Norman that way. And then Norman's agent called and was like, hey, where's this offer? What about the hotel? What about the flight? And I was like, talk to your client. I think he's going to be in LA anyway. Yes. I stayed on some gal's couch.

I was plowing. Dude, you can get here. I can get you on. But I can't get you here. Yeah. That's what the offer said. Mark's plowing. He's plowing this shit. It's pl is plowing. You can get here. I can get you on, but I can't get you here. Yeah. That's what the offer said. Mark's plowing. He's plowing this shit.

It's plow contingent. I hooked up with your makeup lady, by the way, on that show. You hooked up with her? Yeah, yeah. I can't remember. Damn. Oh, yeah. Old blonde.

Did she regret it once the makeup came off? The black face. Didn't you hook up with one of the strippers there? Huh? Didn't you hook up with one of the strippers there? I got a number, but it was, I called it, it went, boo-doo-doo. This has been disconnected.

It was a payphone at LAX. This is a seven-digit number here. What the hell? That's the right amount of digits. Hookers. Strippers and comics, we have a kinship, I feel like. We do, yeah. There's a weird, I mean, there's something about, like, you know,

putting yourself in front of people. Right. Vulnerable. It's going to be rough. Bad childhood bad childhood yeah parents are disappointed in you yeah the good shows is bad although comics can turn it around at some point the higher up you get in the strip world it could get worse it is true you don't want to be a world-renowned stripper yeah but i guess that's kind of the goal i guess yeah i guess so but it's not going to turn around. I think it's comics almost like PIs, like those old books. Right.

Comics are like fucking waiting for the phone to ring. Right. Weird hours. You're going to weird places. You're waiting on a check to clear. It's almost more like a PI situation. Hungover, pizza boxes. You go to a diner.

Somebody follows you to your car to fucking beat you up yeah three days you made a vinyl for same time tomorrow i didn't make it someone sent it in someone made it or no we get all stuff from our listeners we don't i don't know that's not a working vinyl no oh i don't know that i think i made a vinyl for out to lunch and they sold like hot cakes yeah i gotta make a vinyl for jew i can give you guys the info it do that you got it i didn't do a i just promoted it the the company ships it yeah they give you the money yeah i love that out to lunch album money part uh-oh uh-oh oh god i don't know what that is 25 finals are the best buy for if you're going to see a band best value buy like 25 30 bucks same

price as a t-shirt oh vinyl for fucking ever do you sell t-shirts on the road are you no i used to i just i need like 30 minutes to calm down after i get off stage i know what you mean what about like didn't you used to sell those weed grinders that was a great for your fan base was a great it was ed brooke was like we want you to sell some weed relay I told him a story of me in Toronto before I was famous but like an occasional recognized and someone was like

are you Ari Shaffir and I was like yeah he goes can I smoke a joint with you and I'm like have you got one and he's like let's do it

smoke three hits and he's like keep it let's go I told Ed Brook that I go you gotta start selling some weed shit yeah

he's a fucking hilarious agent yeah he is the best you gotta lean into this drug shit he's the least agent agent he is the least agent agent he's a good dude hey he was telling me once i was i was like getting i don't know i was like flying with

weed goes ari if you get caught with weed and you missed your fucking gigs in minneapolis this is a long time ago it's gonna hold you back no one's gonna want to book you if you suddenly get an arrest and can't do a fucking show it's not good for your career i'm like what if i get like big like doug benson like won't it eventually help me he goes we'll get to that stage from here and then at some point like years later i was like hey man if i get arrested for weed now it'd be cool like it would help my draw right he goes yes do you think the kobe thing obviously the the initial shock was bad but do you think it kind of helped a little in the end because it was a huge splash yeah yeah when i got when i got during covet i think these black kids

like hey ari and i was like uh oh it's like this is like 24 year olds like hey can we get a picture okay and they're like kobe and then i was like oh i think i'm the guy who they trust goes for it oh doesn't worry about his own safety that's funny you say that because i remember hanging out with gillis after that whole thing happened and all these asian guys like we gotta get a photo and they just love sending that photo my old roommate dory asian guy fucking loves gillis there you go i think he's my favorite comic and i saw him go over g Gillis and tell him. I could see Gillis turn to me and like. I remember when Ari, after the Kobe thing, we were at the stand. And I was like, I'm going to the cellar.

And Ari's like, I'll go with you. And I was like, let's take a cab. Like taxi? Everybody was so worried. I don't want to walk this with Ari. Sam's reaction was one of the best. Norman went hard on me, towards, for me. But Sam, they came after comics like, disown Ari. Sam's reaction was one of the best. Norman went hard on me, towards, for me.

But Sam, they came out their comics like, disown Ari. It was so weird. And you're like, what do you think about Ari? And he goes, oh, he's consistent. He's just pretty much like, I'm not getting involved with this. I don't know. He's hated the Lakers for a while. I love Kobe.

I was a basketball fan, but Ari's my actual friend. It's great. Those reporters. I was opening for Hannibal after the Cosby thing broke, and he was like, no, no, enough. Leave me alone. It's too much. We'll give you 10 grand for five-minute interviews. Like, no, leave me alone.

Wow. The women said to Cosby, too. You didn't listen. Yeah. 10 grand. Leave me alone. But yeah. So they went on it.

Yeah. I think overall, it increased my fucking who i am damn that's a pretty good d you got there thanks buddy you want to feel me up what are you doing yeah what is that oh there we go yeah wow that feels all right dude dip your face in it for a sec let's see what oh yeah wait give me mortarboard give me that one motorboat for your age they feel great look at that damn all right look at that i just passed out of the bar no big deal oh what oh my god i don't want oh yeah man that brought me right back to my childhood this is this is mark's mom i actually met her it's nothing like that oh Oh, no. She's dead. Lovely parents. The wedding was so great. I'm sure you talked about it.

Oh, yeah. We did. We don't wait. I mean, that gas station, Ari. Oh, the Stavros fucking Muriel Shafir disgust out. By the way, we're eating all this fried food in the hotel lobby, and Ari just dips. He made us feel so fucking cheap. I didn't want you to dip before I dipped.

Well, we were staying upstairs. I dip, you dip, we dip. But Ari just fucking finishes his hero and he just runs away. We're like, what the fuck? I felt like he just nutted on us and ran out. I called an Uber six bites out. I was like, it'll be a ride at the right time. And then it was like, I won't finish

by. Was it any good? It was great. It was great, but it was disgusting. I mean, it was like great, disgusting. We were eating fried seafood, but if you're going to do that, do it in good? It was great. It was great, but it was disgusting. I mean, it was like great, disgusting. We were eating fried seafood, but if you're going to do that, do it in a New Orleans gas station. Yeah. Sam got the splitskis like a fucking boyfriend-girlfriend combo. That was hot.

We looked at each other. We both knew it. Who would be the first to break the silence? I want to know what guest. Because we couldn't decide. And then it is good when you can split with a friend. Sam, I'm going to throw something out to you and you're like, I'm already ahead of you. Yeah, yeah.

Yes. Because we couldn't decide between fried oysters and soft-shell crab, and I was like, what if we split? And then Stav is literally calling the drink. He was calling us rookies. What did he order? He ordered the thing to get that wasn't on the menu. Fried catfish. And he was, were you on the flight back?

He waited until 30. He should have ordered first. What? He got like a po' boy to go. He got like, on the flight back? He waited until 30. Should have ordered first. What? He got like a po' boy to go. He got like, on the flight back, he had just finished another po' boy. Liz from the cellar sees him covered in mayonnaise. What? You're disgusting.

If that guy doesn't be careful, he's going to get fat. I like to picture Stavros walking in and going, the guy's like, free catfish? I know you. I've heard. That's where we're going. He's like, like norm and cheers the highlight was when i when i was fucking wrecked just saying man imagine eating this shit sober and stop goes i haven't had one drink oh man he can hang i mean what a fun hang when you're sober everybody's drunk it's hard but

he he doesn't budge he doesn't flinch he doesn't right he's not like worried about it at all it sucks to be with a shaky sober alcoholic yes those are no fun yes and they're judging you gotta be able to spit wine in someone's face yeah no we definitely that was a fun wedding that was yeah it was a fun hang with that was mad fun i mean and that second night too i mean uh shit there's a great picture of ari and stav well ari just looks fucking oh that's it that was my classic that's the closer on my dude may so we get to the bar after the wedding look at it oh yeah we get to the bar after the wedding whatever bar that was our bar yeah may and her friends it was also very interesting because there's two separate um ages of comedy at that wedding yeah it's a

bunch of headliners and a bunch of openers. Yeah, so it's like, oh, hey. I don't know. I know everybody. I know some of them. Anyway, so May and her openers, they're like, Ari, Ari, come here, come here. And I'm, I mean, fucked up. And she goes,

hey, we have these mushroom chocolate bars. Can you pass these out? Oh, that's fun. was like okay there it is oh that's yeah that was my closer on the reel that looks like the cover of like a buddy comedy yes that's like the new harold and kumar but uh ari and stav yeah right ari and stav go to po boy central or or something? It's two New Orleans detectives. We got Mardi Gras and boudin.

Damn, that left eye is left. Oh, yeah. Good times. Wait, what was I talking about here? That's so fucking fun. Oh, yeah. He really is. He's just the best. He's so good.

He looks like a chef. All right. So what'd you say? So she gives me this chocolate bar. It's four big chocolate bars. Oh, yeah. And I was like, all right, hand them out. So I them out so i just find one guy i go to fucking glass you're doing a line off his cock i'm literally like about to stop stuffing your head down i'm trying to stuff it down with him apparently making his 10 minute appearance yeah i know right what a diva handed

one chocolate to one guy found somebody else like hey mushroom chocolate sure then to a third guy and then one of may's friends like like, oh, no, no. Break it up. They're not pieces. And I'm like, I'm already on mushrooms. Why did you give me this responsibility? You're the shaman. I guess so.

But fucking talk to me yesterday. You are kind of weirdly trustworthy with shit like that. I'm $19.20 times the perfect doser. Really? The 20s was Bert? Yeah. Braden. And I i will say i got the right amount in him i saw bert then i can vouch he had a fucking ball yeah he was having a great time he was having a great time yeah he was fun i mean i didn't know he had dinner with his kids and had a flight at 6 a.m but he had a great time yeah or you're gonna serve you all the drinks with napkins on top that was enough you had a good domino of uh scandalous shit yeah yeah but you've cleaned

it up it seems it up i'm all hanukkah i'm a jew jew i've rediscovered religion watch my special orish fair jew on youtube right now yeah but people don't realize there's a dark side you know you're you're the fun guy you're the go for it guy. You're the do-si guy. Do-si-do. I like these are the fun sides, yeah. But, but,

there is the guilt where people go, what are you crazy? And you have to go, am I? And they go, are you a bad person? You go,

am I? So it's like we say with Hemingway. Sure, he was a fist fighting, whiskey slurping, gun toting, booze bag.

But at the end, he shot himself. But I'm sure he had some mornings where he's like, ah, I got to clean it up. I get anxiety. I get hangover anxiety like a mother. Dude, I did Sober October, and I never felt less anxiety. Really?

I was like, dude, I'm free. I thought it was the weed. I talked to Bert, though, and he was like, I feel nothing, too. It might be the booze. Booze is bad. Booze is great. Who would have thought that alcohol is Bert's problem?

That's crazy. I thought it was shirts. Who would have thought that alcohol is Bert's problem? That's crazy. I thought it was shirts. Who would have thought? No, I get hangover anxiety. I get it before I go to bed. Like, I definitely had a few too many last night because, you know, I'm in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and it's Sunday. What do you want from me? Going to bed before his flight?

No way. I had a bunch of glasses of wine in the green room, and I'm like, you know, I'm fucking, and then I'm up late at night. Like, fuck, I'm anxious. Yeah, I get that that how was your video hey folks when you want a smooth high that you know is made right here in the u.s of a look no further than ounce of hope based out of memphis tennessee ounce of hope is your one-stop shop for delta 8 delta 9 Delta-9, and CBD edibles, oils, and more. I use this stuff every night literally to go to sleep. I love it. It's not too high.

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with rocket money now go to rocket money.com slash drunk seriously you could save hundreds per year that's rocket money.com slash drunk cancel your unnecessary subscriptions right now at rocketmoney.com slash drunk. Get on it. Did you guys get party buses in high school? No. No. We did a couple. It was just a BJ fest.

It was great. On the bus? On the bus. Girls didn't know what to do, so they were like. I didn't know what to do. It's all seats, so you can't really. What should I do? You can't really dance.

Also, we all have a jigsaw. Should we have a conversation? Yeah, we should just suck everyone off, right? Yeah, you're on to things to talk about to talk about so we gotta get this party boss It's just coming on each other's faces everyone's like this is the worst episode of it's just coming on each other's faces. Everyone's like, this is the worst episode of We Might Be Drunk Yet. What were we supposed to do, talk? Yeah.

On a podcast? We blew each other. We sucked each other's dicks. Oh, man. No, I'm actually, like, actually it was weirdly, I was excited in the cab from the airport to come here. Yeah. Because it's like. Also, you've just been on the road alone.

Yes. No, I DNA hash him with me. Oh, okay. We saw movies. We had fun. But, fun but you know we uh no i'm coming from the airport it's a connect flight i'm tired i knew i knew booze would put me in a better mood and you're seeing friends would put me in a better mood it's like you know it is where you get to always come back go right to the comedy store and just like rejuvenated yeah i'm at the cellar right after this i might have to take my fucking luggage. Oh, yeah.

What are you going to do? Winter move. Oh, is that it? That's your luggage. My luggage. Nice. Oh, I love people's luggage. You're a rollback person. So you got to carry on with the side bag.

Yeah. Nice. Laptop in the side bag. Oh, you got to have the laptop with you. Oh, yeah. Since the show has bottomed out, let me ask you. You guys got any new bits hold on i'm doing a to me review here yeah i got some bits you guys got bits i got a jew bit i wrote

for you guys i'd like to run it by i think you're gonna hate it okay oh yeah all right so you know with the anti-semitism bubbling up i've been. Thank you, my media. I've been talking to people. By the way, this is how Mark starts every conversation. So I've been talking to some people and one guy was like, oh, these Jews, come on, they're acting like babies. It's no big deal. They're acting like babies. And I was like, I don't know. I think it's, you know, whatever.

But I do think, however, babies are acting like Jews. I was at a diner with a friend and he was jewish or he's jewish and there was a baby a table over and they were doing the same shit you know they both had little hats on the baby spit up my friend got indigestion and i could do eight examples and then the bill came and they both started crying all right it's so funny jews don't cry when the bill comes up until then it's funny i think oh well it's a satire i think it't cry when the bill comes up. Until then, it's funny, I think. Oh, well, it's satire. I think it works. How about the bill came and they both pooped their pants and made an excuse to leave?

I like that better. Really? Yeah. Okay, okay. They both pooped their pants to try to get out of it. And make no mistake, these babies will replace us. No, I would say the babies both went to the bathroom and tried to get out of it. Oh, that's good.

That's what an adult would do. There we go. It's a hard time to get out of it oh that's good that's what that's good okay there we go it's a hard time that's a funny bit they faked their you already had me laughing when you said babies are like jews because i defend the jews and i do i do a reverse flip all right i'll try it i like it i had one that was tried last night that hit is new but i think there's maybe more here about like sex robots how everyone's gonna have sex robots in the future we're going on all these dates you go on the dates and the and then you're like well in the future we won't go on dates because we'll just like i mean you get lazy when you jack off think about when you have a sex robot even poor people have sex robots in the

future right you you'll have the high-end ones it's like spotify premium then you'll have the shitty ones that's like they you get an ad every once in a while you're fucking it you're fucking the sex robot and like right as you're gonna come it's gonna be like liberty liberty liberty liberty me undies are coming off there's something there yeah that's funny the ads during sex is great ads during sex yeah you should get a casper your bed sucks you call this a bed yeah yeah all right early ad for uh i think sattva matches one of those places segura got it for everybody he was like hey they're giving money out for ads do an ad read and i did one it was all about how fucking christina straps the strap on on it fucks tom in the ass it fucks and makes him bleed and just he's crying, but his knees are very soft on the sofa mattress.

And I mean, they loved it. Everybody loved it. Sofa was like, no. Absolutely not. Take that down. Who was that who said we need an ad, but you can use anybody but Ari? Did you hear about that?

Yeah. Who was that? Chuck told me. Who was it? Blue Chew. Blue Chew was like, hey, we need an ad done. I'm going to go gonna go ahead and say this shame on blue chew for having an ego your dick pit came around though they came around they said hey do you want to do a sponsor like what I was the name you couldn't use but why you I mean they didn't say Harvey Weinstein they said Ari Shaffir didn't add for them I don't think

they're doing ads with Harvey well he could use it I did an ad for my skeptic thing was it I was talking about dogs with me and Adrian. And I was like, for blue chew, I was like, let's say you want to fuck your dog, but you're not sexually attracted to him. Feel the way you can get there by using a blue chew. The only way to connect. You're not attracted. You're not a fucking pedophile.

Here's the thing, though. You are still endorsing that their product works. That's what I was saying. I'm just saying, if you want a good ad already he's gonna get you there yeah point and then they were like no and i was like all right we're done all right all right so what's the bit uh how about this i've only done it a couple times but i don't know if it'll work yet pill you know you say your friends keep you in check you know they'll correct but i don't think that's true your friends rarely ever give you real advice and say like, hey, what are you doing?

That girl sucks for you or whatever. It's a pill that turns you temporarily autistic and allows you to have no shame and say whatever you want to anybody. I think I'm taking it. You got to take the antidote. Wait a minute. Why? Why would you want to do that?

Your breath smells. I don't like it. Oh. And they go, what the hell, man? You go, oh, I took the pill. Right back. I'm sorry. I'm on something.

Yeah. You can do it better. By the way, they have that already. We're drinking it. It's cold. You can pause and be like, actually, you know what? It's alcohol. I just invented alcohol.

By the way, I'll do another if we're still rocking. I don't know. I just got to top off. Retardol. Retardol? I don't know. I need some off retard all retard all all right all right a pill that makes you autistic temporarily it's also a truth serum yeah truth that's i think i have no shame suddenly you're just like just do whatever you want to do don't feel bad about anything interesting and you can hit three pointers because autistic kids fucking nail those threes

you also do your taxes yeah just knock it out because you're autistic that's not bad all right all right what about peeves do we have peeves anyone oh i forgot i just had a peeve my head from last night i got one all right and just notice this just come back i was in Mexico City for Thanksgiving Mexico and Mexico City man you get around to get around notice this you love Mexico City great town right I've never been to Mexico really north rome um soon as we land i'm listening i love you norman what the fuck i know a little spanish soon as we land we haven't even got to the gate yet the they start standing up opening up the fucking what's it called overheads yeah and they're like guys sit down we're not at the gate we're not even like there but not

docked we're not even there we're still moving yeah they sit down and they immediately start standing back up like guys stop we're not there yet notice the same shit thank you uh going to dominica republic i asked uh jesus trejo about it he said it's a latino thing ah those latinos don't trust their stuff with white people so What? So they want to get it immediately. What are we going to do? I don't know. All right. It's a weird stereotype about whites, I guess.

Interesting. Yeah. So that's the peeve? That peeve. Sit down. That's the peeve. Sit down. A bunch of people, a bunch of honkies tried to move to Mexico City during the pandemic

and there were so many of them that they gave a whitey a 10-day allowance. What do you mean? Like you can't live here. You can come here for 10 days and visit and do the bullshit, but you can't live here. Who were they sent about? They said they're going to build a wall, and they're going to make us pay for it.

Oh, wow. Crazy. They're not happy about the Americans coming. No. There's a lot of Americans in Mexico City now, in Roma, and in La Condesa, and they're like, what, they're driving up home prices? Yeah.

Back up to fucking normal prices. So I'm fucked because the lady, I was complimenting her on the wedding. I was like, you did a great job on the wedding. And she was like, yeah, maybe I get a knack for event planning. And I was like, yeah, plan some events. But she's never done it? No.

And so she goes, maybe for your 40th, I'll have a big party. And I was like, no, I don't want to party. I hate a party. I don't want to be at the center of the party. You already married Joe List. I know. I'm like, I don't want to party. Thank you, Joe.

So I said, I want to go to Mexico City. I've never been. She goes, all right, we'll do that. Do a party there? No, just go. I just want to go there. I'd rather go somewhere than have a party for myself. What do you use Chick for?

Huh? What's she add? Well, she'll plan it. Kayak will plan it. That's true. Well, I'm married to the woman. I should bring her. Oh, May.

Yes. Oh, I thought you meant the event planner. No. May. May did most of the wedding. I was like, damn, Ari's kind of callous. I know. I was like, let's see where this goes.

But there was this thing where I was like, man, Ari's really. I was like, what's what? I was like, what's going on here? No, it's interesting. Yeah, man, I got to do a vacation again at some point. I don't do that shit. I got to really. You need a girlfriend.

I know. I went on one alone. I do. I went there for one night, and I texted my friend Chase was like get the fuck up here and he came you see the buddy go somewhere we did it together it was actually really fun we had a great time dude we go with a friend it's kind of fun it helps they're gonna make a group trip to Iceland this summer whoa Iceland's beautiful I have is that what you've heard yeah I've heard it's fucking incredible especially in the summer yeah I heard it's weak. I heard everybody kills themselves.

Those Nordic areas? No, that's Syracuse, New York. Ah, got it. Same weather. Yeah. But there's a lot of suicide up there because there's no sun. In the winter. Yeah.

But the summer's supposed to be beautiful. Okay. Yeah, it's great. And a cheap flight, I hear. You can do stopovers on the way to whatever. Free stopover as long as you want on Icelandic air. Free stopover. If you want to go to England or Glasgow, whatever, you can just layover in Iceland and stay here for five, six days on your layover.

What? No extra cost. Wow. Air. Have you been there? Yeah, three times. You're fucking traveling. Man.

Love Iceland. Your passport must be just covered in stains. Same. Yeah. You got a new country and what? You have to sew in extra pages. No, but I'd love to. I want to make a wallpaper out of all the stamps. Oh, that's good.

When's it coming out? Hanukkah? Guess where I'll be. Guess where I am right now. Where? Guatemala. Damn. Never ends. Leaving my phone at home. Leaving my computer at home. I'm just going to fucking bring my credit card. Mark and I are not like you it's interesting like we're so nervous and not that way take some buses you are

like the rambling man of comedy picture you without a shirt on just like walking through a desert Lawrence of Arabia or some shit walking stick at your shirt around your head tied up I just picture are like Moses Ari's the most biblical comedian I'm like I'm not going anywhere it might be cold there yeah are you going I'm on the road every week yeah yeah that's a different road I like it though I do like it I would do that you should I'm going now who you you already planned no but i'm thinking about it who you with my agent we have to talk about this on air this is like an off-air conversation i think but uh i'll tell you know i'm with i'm with willie morris okay they have a they have a

they'll figure it out department yeah yeah yeah i'm planning mine for April, May. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah, he's going with your girl. Who's April? April, Macy, and May. Good for you. Yeah, Europe's so fun. You did it with Burr, but you've never done your own thing. I did London. You should do it.

And that was awesome. I'm trying to, I slossed for recommendations. It goes, go to Estonia, go to Slovenia. Wow. A couple like off the radar things. Estonia is like the weak country in nato that's like the one we're kind of babysitting you know oh really yeah something like that we're like we have them for fucking you know namesake it's another name just toss

them on good name for a weed by estonia but yeah estonia bella rue louis says that was right we have jumped the shark on this episode. I think we've... Dr. Pepper, whatever the fuck we're drinking is so good. These are for sure good. No, I mean, I'm fucking... I've got a nice little buzz on right now. Oh, yeah.

Estonia, by the way, fastest internet connection besides South Korea in the world. Look at old Slur Factory over here. Estonia. Why is that? That's all they got. Well, I'm just saying, anytime you go to a shit place, they tell you what they have. When I went to Fort Wayne, they're like, you know, we invented the sewing machine. I'm like, that's it?

I just got off the plane. How about a nice restaurant? What's a good bar? Sewing machine. Guess what? They make clothes fucking everywhere. I know. I know.

Also, they were bragging to me. They have the big microphone thing. They have a big microphone company in Fort Wayne. I'm like, the mic went out on me. Three straight shows. That's hilarious. Literally, each time I have it, I have two long stories in my set. Every time it went out, it was in the middle of a long story.

Wow. Building the fucking momentum. Wow. And I was like, you you guys fucking kidding me and it wasn't the club's fault it was this goddamn camera guy who was trying to connect the thing and he was like i got you and i was like you don't connect to the fucking thing again and he was like i won't and i was like you did you fucking did well you got arthur running the camera over here that's a lush i am so sorry i team i should drink your prostitute i thought i was just doing very well with you that's pretty good that's a day i've seen that movie so many fucking times well we haven't seen that movie that's a fucking old timer you talk about the russell brand version

no no no yeah who wanted to redo that movie? I know, right? It's like when I heard they were going to redo Back to School. I'm like, dude, who's popping Rodney? Who's doing Rodney? The other guy, the son? Anybody could do that. Young Downey Jr. though in that time. That was pretty fun.

He's the son's friend. The weird artsy friend. And then you got Burt Young. I loved Downey Jr. before he burned out. Oh, yeah good right less than zero Yeah, less than zero is the picture of beer every seven minutes until someone passes out then bring us one every ten See I've got two impressions I got this album. Oh, there it to me. And this one. Oh, play this. This is classic.

Classic. Nice pop-up, Salicus. You know what? You're watching it all. Oh, my God. Hey, sexy. What is this, college? You're a bad boy, Matt.

Oh, man. Oh, my God. She seems nonplussed. Good girth on that guy. That guy's girth was off the charts. Solid girth. She wasn't seeming happy about it. Yeah.

Yeah, she looked in a mood, huh? Yeah, yeah. No. I can't find this clip. All right, all right. You just don't want us to see what else is going on. I know. Jesus Christ. These do get you after a little bit.

Oh, yeah. We're drinking hard whiskey, brother. They catch up on you. Oh, here we are. This is one of the great soundtracks, too. In Jerry's Dad. Oh, yeah. It's Jerry Stiller.

It's Liza's dad. No, no, no. Jerry Seinfeld's dad. Really? Yeah, the guy who plays Jerry's dad in Seinfeld. It's not Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, I see. I see.

All right. Well, great movie, folks. Check it out. 1981. Check it out, Arthur. That's a fucking old timer. Some old New York shots, too. Oh, Liza Minnelli's fucking great in that movie that's a classic i didn't realize scorsese was married

to until recently yeah i didn't know that you know they used to play liza minnelli version of um uh new york new york um when the yankees lost and sinatra's version when they won what and now which is always sinatra she heard and complained. What? Yeah. That's fair. What? It's sort of fair. You don't want to be associated with losing. I guess, but then just don't play the song when you lose. Just don't play the song.

They got to walk out to something. They got to leave to something. Do something else. Play fucking Jay-Z. I don't know, man, but you can't play the same song for a win or a loss. There's nothing to it. That's true. There's something magical about walking out of Yankee Stadium.

You can't do it to New York, New York, though. That is the... I think they should play a win or loss. They should play Sinatra. That makes sense to me. I watched New York, New York recently. It's like 1977. And the whole movie is like De Niro and Minnelli.

She wants to be a singer and he wants to just be a writer. It's basically La La Land. And he's like, I want to stay true to being a jazz musician. And the whole time he's like composing to stay true to being a jazz musician and the whole time he's like composing new york new york the song and i'm like watching him compose it and watching her like write the lyrics i'm like this is so trite i know what's gonna happen the song's gonna be great the truth is that song wasn't a song before that movie oh really yeah they wrote it they wrote it for that movie that's amazing i didn't know It hit in 1980 when Sinatra sang it later. What?

Well, wait. It's the same song, though. Yes, same song. How bad is hers that they play it on The Losing? Well, imagine Sinatra's version sung by Lazio Minnelli. She can sing. Fuck her. I mean, she's famous, right, for singing. For singing, yeah. Yeah, no, she's good.

Hey, we just brought in some gay fans with Matteo and Fortune Femeses so don't push them all away they're right now they're like what the fuck this guy has a chance we're getting everybody we got Jewish fans now this is good God free brought in a black guy oh yeah sorry piece of shit

well they heard your prayer I tried guys in this silence don't forget to watch Ari Shaffir on YouTube right now. Almost, probably, over 5 million views right now. Yeah, even if you're anti-Semitic, just put it on and let it play. Get it to 6 million so we can remind everyone of the fucking greatest story in Jewish history. Well, hopefully, because when yours ends, it rolls over to mine and vice versa. Hopefully, you'll get in the mix.

I think I'd go to Shane's. Oh, all right.'s oh all right well there you go yeah mine goes right to but yeah there'll be a mix of like a youtube comic good cycle oh uh this this one they should play with no yankees lose this is a bummer Walking out you call that a fucking swing stanton I just see some kid lighting these candles I'm picturing the lady in Schindler's List the the girl. Goodbye, Jews. That's a great Louis joke. Great joke. Great joke. How did we miss that one?

Bye, Jews. Bye, Jews. Try it again. Okay, hold on. Man, Spielberg. Here's another wreck. Spielberg on NPR Fresh Air talking about his new movie, The Fablemans. Yes.

He does a rare interview. He doesn't do a lot of interviews, Spielberg. He's just talking movies. And you're like, man, his life is so fucking interesting. He's like, I mean, he's American royalty. Oh, yeah oh yeah like you think of the movies he's made like jaws you know nothing about him exactly and jaws is fucking we're talking about like blockbusters like think about what blockbusters are now avatars fucking trash jaws is a great movie 18 years ago 15 years ago they're making a second and they spent $2 billion on it. $2 billion.

But Jaws. What's his peak? Spielberg? Yeah, what's the one that's like, this is your Hall of Fame. ET. Schindler's List. Jaws is up there though. Saving Private.

Jaws is up there. ET, I feel like, was the blockbuster. Maybe it's because I was a kid. Well, Jaws was the first summer blockbuster and it's his first movie. Isn't that insane?

No, really? It was his first feature film. He came up with Lucas and they were like, it was like Star Wars and Jaws. Oh, is that true? And then Indiana. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, Indiana Jones.

Well, that's where they came together. Right, right. That's when they met. That's like a young Sagalor on my cannon. I would say Raiders of the Lost Ark is one of the coolest fucking movies. They were trying to make the shittiest action movie they can make, and they ended up with Raiders of the Lost Ark. Yeah.

They were just like, okay, what is the basis, the lowest thing that we can write? And they ended up with Raiders. It's a great fucking movie. It's great. College professor turns archaeologist, whatever the hell. And the fucking score. It shows how far a score will take you. Yes.

Like Star Wars and Indiana Jones. Like, you hear those songs forever. John Williams. Iconic. Ba-ba-da, ba-ba-da-da-da. Yeah. Ba-ba-da-da-da-da. That's a Ford, I mean.

Yeah, yeah. He's a ball. Don't forget. He's one cool motherfucker. Never mind. I was going to say Back to the Future. That's not Spielberg. That's not Harrison Ford either.

No, that's Zemeckis. Zemeckis. Zemeckis. Also great. He did that and fucking Retardo, Forrest Gump. Yeah. Benjamin Buttons, which is exactly like Forrest Gump. No, that was David Fincher. Yeah. What?

Yeah, bro. Come at me, bro. Oh, same writer. Sorry, same writer. All right. Good save, Wario. Nice try, bro. All right.

We went into movie land there. We're movies i've drank this episode in the last seven episodes this is a good fucking app though we're rolling man i do like hanging out with you guys yeah this is great you can tell i'm getting drunker because i keep eyeballing that butane fuel play with that thing and light this whole thing up the best was at your wedding uh so they had the just explodes yeah don't do this indoors we had the sparklers yeah they had everybody line up and then mark goes through it you know like a fucking uh hora and uh easy she's she's my wife we're lighting up but there's some drunks there oh and we're waiting we all dip it in fucking alcohol and then we're just waiting and there's girls like

this like whatever they're like all right light your things and she's like all right just trying to hold it she keeps trying to like hit people with it she's like barely hold it right waiting for you guys to come out people like watch it because i am watching it oh my god damn i didn't know that i definitely got cornered by a few of mark's like drunken childhood friends at the end of the night i got married they would be cornered my friends would be cornering mark oh yeah you know what i mean i saw the photos and you can see them they're like and you're like where's stavros that was just jason canter but uh well yeah my childhood friends they literally i was at the altar and i look at my phone because i'm i got there a little early and one guy goes

don't get married yet i'm in an uber and i'm like that's a classic text from a childhood friend right there married that is a great picture stop just stuffing ari's face and it was but we're such fucking degenerates degenerates and by the way that cock tasted great greek yeah it tastes like tzatziki wow i have no memory of this at all boy that might have been the ugliest group at the wedding right there jesus christ what a lineup whoa list, Big J had the best line. Big J, he goes, man, I heard you got married at Joe List concert. Damn, that's hilarious. Joe fucking ruled on the fucking mic. That was so good.

Sober guy. Killing it. And he's like, I don't know what to do. Just right in. By the way, Sally, we paid a douche to take photos, which I regret. I still haven't gotten his he's like i'm not topping what you did pull up some more of those pictures they're fucking incredible man the hell oh that's a great oh wow that's our bar oh we brought those cigars that were great

that's not fun there's her dad hey that's a classic that is a great is that the um is that the walk around the block second. You can see the horse manure right there. Oh, we got some liver spots coming in. Hello. A lot of spots there. Where did that come from? Well, a leopard. Wow, that's your John Goodman Lebowski sunglasses.

Yeah. That's kind of fun. No Donnie. Will Silvins is Donnie. Wow, that's a great one. He really is. That's great. I love that one.

He came in an insane outfit. That's a picture to post when Joe List dies. We were friends. I think he might outlast us based on the path we're all on. Well, he has McDonald's three times a day. Yeah, he told me. He actually texted me recently. He was like, yeah, I went to the doctor, and some of my health is not good.

I was like, gee, it wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that you eat chicken parm three times a fucking day. And two yeah and a diet you think a fucking one green tea a day is saving you from all the fucking degenerate shit you're putting in your body it's good point oh that's a great action shot i wonder what's going on there yeah ian sodes he's calling you jew and you're saying that's the name of my special good times what a fucking fun town to do this in now aren't you glad imagine if you saw these photos and you weren't there no offense everybody else in the room but you'd be like ah come on we missed it oh that's a that's a divorce coming right there get get out of that one the caption that picture i'm sorry i left the baby in the car i thought i rolled the window down that background is so good that that wallpaper

peters are we going to show these pictures during the pod can you yeah why not yeah they're on the ground that's a good one let's see it pull that what is that oh i love the velvet jacket mark oh thank you that was my after after ceremony jacket my shoes my feet were killing me i got band-aids on my feet tarantino's gonna love that one that's how we book quentin yeah oh badass that's a bodega cat photo oh yeah well i'm banged up right there yeah oh there. Ah! I took a similar one. Yeah, Stavi. It was hard to find a pig without Stav holding cake.

That's my childhood friend. Yeah, he was fun. I was talking to him for a minute. He's a good egg. I liked him. Alright. Is this bad pod? Hey, Doug Key! This is visual stuff. Alright, we're sorry guys. We've been drinking. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. YouTube.com slash WeMightBeDrunk. Ari Shafir. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. YouTube.com slash we might be drunk.

Ari Shafir, you. Or is it we might be drunk pod? It's what? We might be drunk pod. Was we might be drunk taken? Yeah, my dad had it. He's a drinker. I love your dad.

Wow, you're the one. He's so quiet. Well, there was one moment where- I do declare. Stav and I were doing that the whole weekend. We went, I do declare. Just taking dollar bills. I do declare. and i were doing that the whole weekend with i do declare just taking taking dollar bills i do declare sir you have insulted me if any fine woman would like to suck our pecker we are strapped full of cash i guarantee i will come quickly uh my dad he was

talking to me at one point and uh you know i'm him back. He won't respond. You were there. I think you had checked out. Very quiet. And List is across from me, and List is getting all uncomfortable. And my dad walks away, and List goes, I've never felt closer to you. And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, your dad is more awkward than my dad. And I was like, all right.

I'm glad you got to see it. So that was a nice moment. Damn. Couldn't get a word out of him. Then he roasted the shit out of me on the speech. Oh, yeah. He got you good. Oh, yeah.

Oh, fucking bed wetter over here. Hey, Mark, remember when you pissed your fucking bed for years? Yeah. Pretty much. That was a speech. That was about it. Well, good luck getting married now. I know.

He's like, I've been sitting on all this. He's giving you shit for being too old to do it. I'm hearing that. I'm like, I guess the clock's ticking for me, too, then. I'm nowhere close. So funny. He's like, you know, he's 30. How old are you?

39. He's like, he's 39. I'm like, that's not old in my world. I don't know who you're talking to. Both of you live, damn it. Live. Live. I'm living through you at this point.

This is the Billy Madison screen. Grab your cheeks. Yes, yes. Stay here as long as you can. Dude, every time I go to the beach with my high school friends we go to Dewey Beach all the time

like you're gonna fuck this weekend I'm like no I'm hanging out with you guys we should fuck some slut I'm like guys

calm down do you bring your lady to Guatemala or you just go I go I just hang out with myself you don't bring your lady

I hang out with myself wow I didn't see the world you don't want to bring your lady I feel like that's the point of being in a relationship

Mexico City. Some on, some off. This is exploration. I love it. How does she respond to that? I don't know. I turn my phone on silent. She knows what she signed up for.

She knows what she signed up for. In the words of Bert, Ari's good for small doses. I've been sitting on that for about a week and a half. Oh, boy. Mark, thanks for pulling us out of a 10-minute lull. The shammish is done. We're literally commenting on photos for 10 minutes. Mark's like, I got one locked and loaded.

Just call me Sully. That joke just knocked out the shammish. I don't know what that is. Is that shammish? It's a middle candle. Oh. That joke flew higher than Kobe, I'll tell you that much. I'm just trying to work with what we have here, folks.

We should have brought some Kobe beef. All right. All right. Mamba. The black Mamba, yeah. You could have gone after his kids. You didn't. That was nice of you.

All right, let's not paint him a hero, you fucking idiot. He's a good guy. Fucking idiot, come on. I'm not saying the kids. I'm just saying he could have. Let's not get carried away here either. It's not like he's bringing dates up. I guess we're getting clapped off here.

Oh, no. We lost a tit. We lost a tit. No, dude. Those tits are fucking important. I'm not going to be able to get them. We need the tits. Come on.

Use those arms. All tits matter. Come on. Yeah. Tit for tat. I have a tit. All right. Use those arms. All tits matter. Come on. Yeah. Tit for tat. I got the tits. All right. Plug some dates coming up, man.

This is a Bob Nelson gig right here. Pittsburgh in January. Salt Lake in January. Tampa in February. Denver. I'm doing a greatest hit show. I've never done this before. What does that mean?

My best hits from over the years. That's fun. Oh, wow. I don't remember mine. Yeah. I got to look them up. I got to really prepare. You listen to albums. Vancouver in February. Show just added. San Jose. That's fun. I don't remember mine. Yeah, I gotta look them up. I gotta really prepare. You gotta listen to albums.

Vancouver in February. Show just added. San Jose. I got Seattle that just went on sale. And the Beacon Theater in New York City. The biggest show I've ever done. Whoa! March 24th. Get tickets at rhsjaffer.com. That's big, baby. You're gonna compete with Seinfeld.

Is he there March 25th and 3rd? He's way back at the beacon. I don't think my audience is... We got Spokane, OKC, and then all theaters from here on out building up. So New Orleans, Austin, Tulsa, Dallas, St. Louis, Vegas, Vancouver added a show there.

Seattle, Portland added a show. Back down to Vancouver. So you're doing it a month before me. Oh, shit. You're not doing the... Sold out? Nice, bro.

Keep going. Go down. I just did that one. It's a killer theater. We've got fucking Salt Lake City. Hopefully I get into that NBA All-Star weekend. We'll see what happens. AC, Royal Oak, Michigan, Minneapolis.

We're adding there. I think we did already. I don't know. Madison, fucking Milwaukee. When are you going to be in New Haven, Connecticut? New Haven. I don't know. March 9 when are you gonna be in new haven connecticut new haven i don't know it looks march 9th oh boston we got a couple there we'll add another in a second so fucking finish that one off uh miami orlando we're almost done here you got this atlanta charleston march fucking durham charlottesville that's going slow you're big You're not Norfolk big. No, I'm not.

I'm fucking not, bro. Norfolk, D.C., and Wilkes-Barre, PA, along with Port Chester. See you on the road. SamRoyal.com slash shows. Let's go. Hell yeah. You're doing like the country run. Damn.

You're doing the fucking- Virginia and North Carolina. Tour bus, baby. We're doing a tour bus? We're doing a fucking bus, bro. I'm thinking of doing that next year. It's going to be fun. Who are you going to go with? I'll blow you.

Me, Vitor, James Webb are directing my special, and we got a tour manager, Brian. Hell yeah. What's James Webb doing? Videographing or opening? No, video. Great. Good video on that bus. You and Vitor playing video games.

Who gets the big room? I think I'm just going to do two lounges and bunks. You're going to take a bunknges and bunks. Yeah. You're going to take a bunk, too. We'll do a quiet lounge in the back and a loud lounge in the front. If people want just some space. I like it. Because I don't need that.

I don't think you sleep in that bed for real. I don't think anyone actually sleeps there. Nah. No one does. I think everyone sleeps. I sleep overnight, though. But let everyone sleep in the same situation. I think we sleep in the bunks.

I think we kind of all do. Bunks are probably better anyway. Is it quiet, though? Oh, yeah. The bunks is quiet? Bunks is quiet. They lull you. Yeah, but doesn't that open into the main room?

There's no door. No, no, no. No, and we get the back lounge where we can just kind of chill. I'm like, that one will be if you want to get away from the hang. Right. And the front one will be if you want to hang. Cards, videos. Love it.

We'll put on a good movie, maybe a fucking game or something. Play some PS5. Wait, wait. Scroll up. Oh, shit. You missed it. Back. It's gone.

But yeah, we did the. You can see that's the Vita door down in the bottom middle. The doggy door. Yeah, the doggy door. Come and go. You can't poop on the bus. He has a little litter box. Vita does represent the Lollipop Guild.

Lollipop Guild. Mark, where are you going to be, man? Yeah, Mark, tell me about your dates. I have not updated my website, but I got it up here. When is Hanukkah again? December 20th. Start January 12th. Oh, no, no, no.

Hanukkah does not start in January, dude. 17th. 17th. He's at Cobbs nowth 17th maybe this is over cops might be over then i'm at zany's comedy club the blue note in hawaii done it it's great really yeah and now hold on how are you going for how long you're going for uh well i was gonna go for four nights no i got a place in kawaii you gotta stay kawaii yeah yeah i'll let her hook you up later i was waiting for that i was gonna jump on that I was going to go for four nights. No. I got a place in Kauai. You got to stay. Kauai? Yeah. Yeah. A letter? I'll hook you up later. I was waiting for that. I was going to jump on that.

You can add a show to pay for it if you want, but I got a spot for you. Yeah, let's go. Then doing Miami Improv again. I'm doing a bunch of clubs. No, I like the Miami Improv. It's good, dude. Improv is great. Miami is great.

Gross. I mean, I was just in Fort Wayne, Indiana. It's like you're carried away with what's gross. Fair. Good people. No, no. Nice people're carrying away with what's gross. Good people. No, no. It'll be a good show. Good people. Miami is a good hang.

We get some good Cuban food. Oh, yeah. Go to the beach. I don't hate Miami. South Beach is cool. I hate Miami. I'm going there a day early for my tour because the Knicks are playing the fucking heat in Miami the night before my tour starts in Miami, motherfucker.

Damn. That's great. Me and Lil Gary are going gonna be fucking behind the bench giving middle fingers to jimmy butler yeah not really because jimmy butler's scary but uh and i respect him too much but slightly behind your own finger just like you know what's back i'm friends with duncan robinson but i'm scared to ask for tickets because i'm gonna be rolling in a fucking knicks jersey you can't do it i can't do it when you ever get you ever get those, like, the fucking, you know, producers or whatever, like, agent tickets for the Knicks or the Rangers, they're like, come, you cannot wear the opposing.

And I'm like, well, I'm not a fan of the Rangers or the fucking Knicks. What am I going to do? Yeah, well, I am. Yeah, you are. Go, Pals! The Knicks have been quite a, Pelicans. Yeah. The Knicks have had quite a roster of celebs at the front lines you notice

that gaffigan came out i saw that i mean front lines well no what do you call it court side it's not warm mark it's a good thing do you see who was in the trenches of the garden last night you mean third row you see the foxhole seats that's what what I call the box. By the way, bodegacatwhiskey.com. Yes. I met the guy in Austin. He's a great guy. He gave me a fucking bottle. I met him.

He's a great guy. He handed me a bottle for someone else. We love him. We love Chris. Good egg. I'd like to add fuck him. There you go. Yeah, you know what?

Fart that guy. He changed my mind. Did he come to the wedding? No. I invited him the day before. Last minute. Yeah, I told him to invite him the day before, and Mark was like, I'm on it. I was like, probably doesn't him the day before last minute yeah i told him to invite him the day before and mark was like i'm on it and i was like probably doesn't work the day before yeah but it's still it was still like you remember you're like oh shit yeah he's close i bet he'd come there you

get the invite we tried all of mark's invites were fucking evites that's right you did it well i don't know i didn't do any of it we love you guys thanks for listening watch ari shafir special jew on youtube right now he's a good friend we're proud of him we're happy he came in today uh salamanca akoi peters beer jew beer jew what do you got to promote here brother all i got to promote is that i'm uh here in december at say less still you've been drinking these bro not at all what are you talking about i have no idea i'm a slurry drunk because you can tell I know what level you're at. After that, if anyone is in

Malaysia, Indonesia, hit me up. That's where I'll be traveling. Where are you going? Malaysia. I got some spotting. Beardjuice got sassy on you. Silver tongue. And then a little bit of Vietnam and then South Korea and Japan.

How long are you going for? I have a one-way ticket to Kuala Lumpur and then work from there. Nice. Shouldn't this be a gingerbread temple? Come on. It should be. Jewish in the front. Oh, is it?

Yeah. What does that mean? It's circumcised? Party in the back, brother. Yeah, that's what I call my haircuts, too. All right, all right. Well, this has been a great episode. We love when Ari comes by.

Classic, as always. Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk, and thanks for listening, guys. Get a glass and free Palestine. Free Palestine. Day three's about to go out. Day three's out. Those were the nights of Hanukkah I remember long ago Day three's out. How I miss domino roll lights when we were all so young Bobby burned the latkes every Hanukkah Forgotten them in the frying pan each year

While we were having fun playing dreidel Smoker lines were wailing everywhere Firemen were breaking all the windows Sadie closed his eyes and began to pray Those latkes had no luck Our mouth been down and stuck But Bobby made us feed them anyway Those were the nights of Hanukkah I remember long ago When our family got together, little eyes aglow Gold-colored candles burning

As the joyous songs were sung How I miss the menorah lights when We were all so young Uncle Jake bought donuts by the dozen He warned us that in birth we couldn't bake But Uncle Jaime ate while singing Ma-oh And that was Uncle Jaime's big mistake Our parents stood there beaming as they called us

And handed us the presents one by one Fading the light The menorah burning bright Sweet memories as ruined as the sun Those were the nights of Monaco, I remember long ago. When our family got together, little eyes aglow. Both the colors, candles burning, and the joyous songs were sung. How I miss the menorah lights when we were all so young. Those were the nights of Hanukkah I remember long ago

When our family got together Little lies of love Moldy colored candles burning And joyous songs were sung Now I miss the mineral lights when we were all so young Where are those eyes full of thought, full of life? I can still hear their laughter and song But though they are gone, their spirit still lives on For Bobby Bob is still alive and strong Those were the nights of Hanukkah, I remember long ago When our family got together, little eyes aglow

Multicolcolored candles burning as the joyous songs were sung how I miss the menorah lights when we were all so young those were the nights of honest love spent with family and friends

filled with dreams and laughter that we thought would never end Share your moments together It's what Bobby would have done And we wish a happy Hanukkah To everyone