We Might Be Drunk - Ep 109: Elf C*M

Episode Date: January 9, 2023

Last episode recorded in 2022, the guys clean out the fridge and enjoy some Egg Nog until the Bartender arrives. Cheers to 2023! Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/shows https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com/shop https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://betterhelp.com/Drunk and get on your way to being your best self. Go to https://RocketMoney.com/DRUNK Visit www.liquidiv.com and code Drunk  

All right, let's rock. You ready? Oh, yeah. Where the hell's this beer, Jew? Where is he? Hey, folks, here we are. We might be drunk. We're back. It's the holiday season. Uh-oh, wait, when's this come out? March? Early January, probably. Oh, okay. We could do some resolutions.

Hey, I like it. Now, when do you have the New Year cut off? Your Happy New Year? I think early on. I think you get the first week or so, and then after that, it's like, what are we doing? Okay. It's the New Year. It's the New Year. We got it. We got some eggnog. I can't think of eggnog without David Tell's Elfcom bit. Elfcom.

You can't look at eggnog without thinking it's Elfcom because of Dave. That's a sign of a good bit when you can't not think of it when you're just hanging out. I said it before, Todd Berry. Anytime he sees a guy with a neck tattoo, he forgot to not do that. Let me smell it. I got a really good nose. I just put it in my coffee.

Oh, shit. It's been open before? He's like a toucan, this guy. He's a bloodhound. It's got so much sugar, it's probably fine. That's what they said about Ralphie May. All right, that's the last Ralphie May. It smells sweet, not sour.

Okay. Mmm. Tastes good in the coffee. Here, I'm the eggnog expert. So do you load that with booze also? You put booze in that? Or does it come loaded? No, no.

Pour a little of mine so I can get you more booze now. Beardrew's running late, so we're starting with some eggnog. That's perfection. I need more eggnog in my life. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's like, why only once? I guess once a year is good for eggnog. It would be weird to have it in July.

Yeah. You see a dude in July with eggnog, you're like, that's a little rich. Milk was a bad choice. Yeah, I just bought a quart. I've already finished it. But it's crazy to think that size of eggnog is in my body now. I've been drinking throughout the week. A bodega cat.

A bodega cat. A little BC. Get the morning started right. Before Christ. Woo! Before cock. So I'm watching Mad Men. I'm re-watching it.

Oh, best show. So good. That's why you're in a drinking mood this afternoon. Yeah, maybe you're right. But there's that one scene. I don't want to give too much away but that the alcoholic guy who pisses his pants oh freddie rubson yes freddie the whole show i didn't realize he's just pouring screwdrivers and shit like you know the one guy was breakfast huh but i didn't catch it until seeing it again now that i know he whizzes himself one of my favorite scenes in the i don't know if we ever pulled it we might have played it on the show, but the scene where Pete tries to fuck over, spoiler,

tries to fuck over Don by being like, you know, this man is a deserter at best, you know? Oh, yeah. And Burt Cooper just looks at him and was just like, who cares? He goes, this country was founded with men with much worse records. Yes. And he goes, and even if what you men with much worse records. Yes. And he goes, and even if what you say is true, it's in the company's best interest to forget about this.

Yeah. It's such a great fucking moment. Great moment. Now, this is a real alcoholic move. My dad does the old spinnock. Did he ever do it to you? Oh. A little Subway handrail on that one. Yikes.

This is good. Oh, yeah. It's actually, it is hitting the spot. Is an eggnog usually rum or whiskey or does it not really matter? It started with rum. That was the original. But this works. Now it's rye.

Yeah, rye. I like rye better. Yeah. So I got the peat here. I'm not sure this is the one he insults peggy and then don puts him in his place no no no no it's uh put in burt cooper i mean i basically just said the scene i don't know if we need to do it you know what you guys gotta see someone showed me this the other day you ever see mark mcgrath from sugar ray snap on some fucking kid no it's one of the funniest clips i hope I'm not building it up too much.

This guy is out of his mind. Is this the one? I don't know. Let's see. Sugar Gay. Yeah, he calls him Sugar Gay. Move it! Sugar Gay! Who said Sugar Gay? Who said that? Chip? Did you say that?

No, I didn't say anything. Did I say anything? No, I did't say anything. Do you want to be smart? Did I say anything? Did I say anything? Did you say something? No, I did not say anything. I took your fucking head. That could have stood his own there. No, it keeps going. Oh, man.

No, you can't. You can't. All right, cool. You beat the fuck out of that guy right there. I've never seen this. I took your fucking face. That's probably 2004. I don't know.

It was a different time. That's all it took to set him off Yeah Well he's heard it before Imagine this guy when he discovers twitter It keeps going. Oh it does? Yeah look how long that is Oh yeah I'll fucking choke your fucking face

You see me in it? You're done? I'm standing right here I'm standing right here It's almost like he's angry at himself. He's like, this is like insults. You'll never make it in this business. He's like, why did we rhyme our name with gay? Yeah. It was a layup.

Wow. Wasn't he the host of Extra? Yeah. He left touring for that shit. Yeah. It was a layup. Wow. Wasn't he the host of Extra? Yeah. Yeah. He left touring for that shit. Wow. He probably could have made Bank on the Road. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. And he's a hunk of a guy. Oh, yeah. They had a couple good songs. You were all right. I just want to fly. I think he just wants to fight. Like, who's that for?

Who's he doing that for? Go to the end, because it gets crazy. Oh, you're right. Look at this. I just want to fly off the handle. This guy right here is almost homeless. Over here. Over here.

Right here. This guy needs to pay the bills. This guy. Right here. Right there. Look at him. Not just race. I'll fuck you in the ass.

Wow. I'll fuck you in the ass? This kid's got a poster. He wanted a signature. What a 180 this kid had. I'll show my fart, but nothing but my little fart. What'd he say? He goes, you got nothing but my little fart?

Mmm. Lots of language. It's not exactly roast battle. He's taking pictures too! Ahhhh! That's the most insulting part. This guy is badass! You got some new fans over here, Mark! This guy's badass.

You got some new fans over here, Mark. I love Sugar Ray now. See this? Yeah, I see this. I'm going to go buy me a Sugar Ray and see if he's around. Oh! Wow. What a find. What a find. Some Mark McGrath snapping. wow what a fine what a fine snapping he's just he's probably just a fan yeah i know he thought he was being fun i thought he

was like a playful roast yo beard you in the house oh you gotta take a shit oh here he goes if i snapped on every fan who called me gay i would would be a busy guy. You'd be an MMA fighter. Yeah, exactly. MM gay. Man. I went out. I got kind of housed last night. I'm hurting.

Admittedly, I text Peters and Norman this morning. I was like, how do you guys feel about an IV while we drink? Just to get me back on my feet. But I hit the gym. I sucked it up. I feel all right. This will help. This will help. This will help.

But I did a benefit last night. The Ally Coalition. The singer Jack Antonoff puts it on. It was at Skirball. It was a big thing. It was fun. Wow. He's a huge comedy guy, right?

Yeah, he was really cool. Skirball. He's really talented, man. He's a really talented guy. That's a big room. Yeah, it was big. It was a cool show. Birbiglia was on it.

Nice. Jackie Novak. Oh, yeah. I knew Jackie. And cool show. Birbiglia was on it. Nice. Jackie Novak. Oh, yeah. I knew Jackie. And some musicians. I'm like, I don't know anything about modern music. So my friend John Weisberg's with me. And he's like, that's Phoebe Bridgers.

And I was like, I don't know. Is that the fleabag? No, that's what I thought for a second. No, it's a singer. It's a singer. And then she went out and got the hugest ovation. I'm like, I'm out of touch. And touch she was amazing they might not know who we are either well they yeah but they're way bigger that's true that's true she's like a huge star apparently i'm

i mean uh yeah and burning bridges all right and then we yeah we got sauced it was a pizza guy from razza a jersey city place unreal and then we, it was one of the things where we kept drinking through the night. So we ended up at a bar in the, all I remember is we ended up at a bar in the West Village, wrecked. Saw Jared Freed there. That's hilarious. And then some people recognized me at the bar. So I'm just getting wasted with these people. And all I remember them being like, where were you tonight?

I said, I did a benefit. And I was so drunk. I was like, what was it for? And I and i was like teenage abortion it was for teenage abort and then we started singing the hanukkah song and we walked them because we kept singing the hanukkah oj simpson that was great not a jew paul newman wrecked half yeah. Cody Hawn's half Jewish. Paul Newman's half Jew. There it is. Put them together with a fine looking Jew. That was a great song.

That song changed the game. I'll put it up against any Christmas song. Easy. It's all we have. Easy there. Sandler. Where have you been, man? I've been around.

I just moved? Yeah. We started without you. I mean, uh, what are you in Queens? Ah, sorry. I heard every Upper East Side's got every fucking train now. Yeah. I got the queue up there now. And De Niro just got robbed up there.

I saw that. Yeah. That's the story. I didn't hear it. Worst thing to happen to him since Little Fuckers 2. And the comedian. Oh, man. That was rough.

We were in that. Oh, yeah. Our headshots were in it. Yeah. Someone said that to me, and they're like, you're in a movie. I'm like, what? I wasn't so... I've been that surprised to have a headshot since Kennedy.

All right. I couldn't get it out. The joke works, though. It's a good joke. I was floundering. No, but these are already hitting us. No, we... That's crazy.

He got robbed. Yeah. Wasn't it by an extra in one of his movies or something? No, it was by a lady who's a serial robber, and they caught her under the tree. Literally, came downstairs. She's under the tree, and the cops ran in. Damn, if he's got kids I gotta be like Santa's a woman.

No, because women just take. She's 30 years old and she had a string of robberies. Damn. It's weird. I know. Bad Santa's one of my favorite holidays. Oh, great movie. Great comedy. There she is.

Shanice. 30. So she robbed his house or robbed him? Under the tree. But he was home for it. He was home. Did she know it was De Niro's place? I don't think so.

Imagine being a robber and De Niro walks out. Yeah. That's got to feel pretty rough. Are you robbing me? Do you think that's, like, as a robber, do you think that's kind of cool? Or are you like, oh shit, I love casino. Yeah, good question. How do you feel, do you think?

I would have gone for the Oscars. Fuck that. Fuck the presents. Get the gold. Yeah, once you see an Academy Award in there, you're like, oh shit, this might be a news story. I know, but you're like, is this Polanski? Is this Harvey? It could be anybody. It's definitely not Polanski. Oh yeah, he's overseas. This might be a news story. I know, but you're like, is this Polanski? Is this Harvey? It could be anybody.

It's definitely not Polanski. Oh, yeah. He's overseas. He ain't here. Where did he go? Spain? Like 20 years, he'll be like, we should stop raping. Right.

Right. Woo. That's really where you get a, you really can just get, or like where Switzerland is another one. Where do you live? I guess Europe. Oh, yeah. You just go to Europe.

It used to be Mexico, and I was like, go to Mexico. I feel like that's over. I mean, Louis said in his new special, he goes, so I've been in France for the last two years or whatever, for obvious reasons. So I guess that's where he went as well. Yeah, I guess that's the spot. Me Too Riviera.

The French really... They made a statement. The women made a statement. Not me. That was their whole thing. Instead of Me Too, they. The French really... They made a statement. The women made a statement. Not me. That was their whole thing. Instead of Me Too, they did Not Me. They did Not Me. Which is like, we should take a road trip.

When the French president, Mitterrand, died, his widow sat next to his mistress at the funeral. They sat side by side. It was like, this is what we do. We both have claim to this guy's life. Carmella never would have sat next to a guma. Never. No, they're more, I mean, dude, how about Macron?

His wife is like, was his teacher. That's like a porno. What? His wife with his fucking teacher. Like in college? I think so. Yeah, she's like at least 20 years older than him. Wow.

She looks, she still held it together. Yeah, good looking lady. But 20 years older than him. Wow. She looks so held it together. Yeah. Good looking lady. But I mean, she was his teacher. Uh-oh. She's got teacher vibes. Yeah. Hmm.

Whoa. Whoa. Yeah. I mean, he's definitely younger. Women love when a guy's dating an older lady or married. Or they're like, oh, that's so sweet. And you're like, shut up, just because it makes you feel better. It's better.

But that's how it goes. This is hidden, dude. The problem is you can drink 17 of these, then you don't shit for a month. Yeah, all the milk and cream. Eggnog and rye? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, this is definitely a festive drink. Yeah. It's a time of year. Is there anything else? I guess warm spiced rum is really good. Hot toddy. Hot toddy. Mold wine.

Yeah, mold. Warm alcoholic drinks are kind of underrated. Underrated. What was the one you said we got to try? The wine one? I think that was the mold wine, yeah. We haven't tried that yet, though. We can definitely do mold wine.

It takes a day to prep. We can fortify it with brandy or whiskey. Make it really have a punch. Then there's hot cider. I love hot cider. That's one of my favorite drinks. Yeah, it's nice. Hot cider with some herbs in there, like sarnas and cinnamon.

Oh, baby. And a little bourbon. What is that? It's delicious. Hot buttered rum? Whoa. And a little bourbon. What is that? It's delicious. Hot buttered rum. Whoa. Sounds like a gay thing. My nipples are harsh.

Look at that. Holy hell. Oh, my God. Who knew? Where were you last weekend? San Francisco, baby. Oh, did you go to Sotomayor? I did.

Oh, dude. Love that town. I had a great time. That town is magical. You hear all the news stories like they'll cut your head off, they'll steal your watch. It was great. Oh, it's one of my favorite cities. Because you know what?

As New Yorkers on the West Coast, that's as close as we get. Yes, exactly. You can take a walk. That great bookstore, City Lights. City Lights. Dude. Yeah, I just walked to the pier every day. Then I went to Little Italy.

Then I went to Chinatown. And I'm just walking up and down the hills and my ass hurt that was from the castro but just a great time crowds were great it's dude i love sf sf the sun was shining and it was kind of chilly it was a perfect perfect weather the whole thing was great yeah great food that chowder oh the chowder got dim sum where you go uh some you know yank sing that's the spot there oh really some yeah my boy adam swig is like the mayor there he'd take he's literally like lebowski he just looks like lebowski and he just takes me to all these spots and uh he had he's taking me to uh he took me to a giants game last time i was there

fucking great maybe the most beautiful ballpark i know and it's right in the city it's gorgeous and he took me to a Giants game last time I was there. Fucking great. Maybe the most beautiful ballpark in the country. I know, and it's right in the city. It's gorgeous. Gorgeous, yeah. SF has got some problems, but it is a beautiful city. I opened with that. I was like, I went shopping today. It was all under a thousand, so I got it for free.

And they were like, ah, he knows about us. Cobbs is an epic weekend. And your photo's on the wall. Is it? Yeah, you got a bit like, you know know, Geraldo, Attell, you. I'm honored. Yeah. Wow.

It's fun seeing your peers on the wall. Because, you know, coming up, it was like, oh, there's John Panett. Or, oh, there's, you know, Louis C.K. Or there's Chris Rock. And now it's us. I'm like, oh, there's Soder. You move the Panett photo, it's room for three more. Yeah.

Legend. He's a legend. Oh, yeah. Funny guy. But now it's like Soder. It's, you know, all these guys we know. I love that, dude. So it yeah funny guy but now it's like soda it's you know all these guys we know that's fun yeah it's fun i saw soda at the airport the other day it's fun just like thursday when you go to the airport you're like who am i gonna see nothing better than comics at the airport yeah that is the best it is really fun you feel like you're both like paratroopers

like where are you headed you know you're like you're both going to battle. I'm going to Denver. Oh, I'm going to Phoenix. Yeah, it is the best, man. We, Vita and I fly into, we're flying to Tacoma last weekend and six hour flight. Yeah. There's a crying baby. No! The entire way. It didn't stop. That hurts.

Six hours. For the whole time? Stamina. That's impossible. Yeah. Wow. Oof. Brut Wow. Oof. Brutal.

Six hours. How far back? Are you in first? We were in first. Veeder too? Veeder got the upgrade, baby. I don't know. It kind of bugged me seeing those feet dangling in first.

Come on, man. You know, you could use a Delta Comfort. It is funny when there's a tiny dude in first. Yeah, right? There's a baby in first. That's crazy. That should be part of first. You don't have to deal with the baby.

That's true. That is true. Adults first. You want to see the flight attendant just walk over like, hey, can I just see the baby and just put a chloroform rag on it? Oh, my God. Just knock it out. Look, I used to fly with my ex-girlfriend.

I had a tiny dog. We'd give it Benadryl, and the thing would be like, it was a yappy chihuahua. It was the biggest cunt of a dog on the planet. Like something about Mary? Yes, exactly. And it would be like dead, and you'd get to pet it and poke it, and it was great.

Why not give a baby a Benadryl? That's all. Give it a half. You're going to be a great dad. All right. You know what, though? He's a good dad for the community. Yeah.

Thank you. The community thanks him. Drug your baby. I got on a plane next to a baby, and the mother handed me a little Ziploc baggie, and it had a candy in it and earplugs. And she was like, I'm sorry. Wow. Yeah. Because she knew what was going to happen.

See, I like that, because I'm an anxious guy, and if I was crying, I would be freaking out. When you hand her a sleeping mask, you start masturbating. Oh, my. I'm sorry, too. I have a problem. Here's a Benadryl for you. I'm sorry for that one. You know, we had, Vito and I were getting, I'm getting sauced on the flight.

They have those tip-top old-fashioned cans. Oh, I love those. So I start getting smashed on the flight, and Vito and-top old-fashioned cans. Oh, I love those. So I start getting smashed on the flight and Vito and I keep doing, whenever the baby goes, wah, Vito and I just start going, ah. And I posted a couple of them

on Instagram stories and someone responds, you know, because I'm doing the Q&A thing, they respond, you know, it's really cruel to make fun of a baby for that

because the altitude really hurts their ears and they're in a lot of pain. I was like, isn't it more cruel to take a baby on a plane then? Oh, good point. Come at me. It's a fucking vacation he's never going to remember. Great point. Unless it's a funeral

or something. Hopefully it's the babies. Oh my god. In which case the baby needs to be there for the eulogy. Yeah, exactly. I've never been to a baby funeral. Do they for the eulogy. Yeah, exactly. I've never been to a baby funeral. Do they have a teeny tiny casket? They do.

We saved some money there. That's true. That's nice. That's something I've always wondered. Do bigger people pay more for clothes? Because it is more fabric. I think so, yeah. You do?

I mean, it's only fair. I guess it isn't fair. If you're born 6'8 or whatever. Yeah, I pay more for clothes. Really? I also have to get special jeans and stuff because I'm not huge and tall. I'm just tall. We're really attacking everybody in this episode.

We're going after babies. We're going after the big and tall. Uh-huh. Man. Well, big shoes definitely cost more. It's more material, right? It's more material. They're also harder to find.

Thankfully, I found a few places around the city that are just lifesavers. Yeah. What size shoe? 14 1⁄2. Wow, that's a hard size to half. Yeah, it's kind of annoying. At that point, do they even go halves? Sometimes, but not really.

You've got to go one way or the other. But I wear a lot of boots, which helps. Boots help. Yeah. What are you? I'm 13. Wow. That's a tiny little baby foot you got there. That's a hoof. Yeah. What are you? I'm 13. Wow. That's a tiny little baby foot you got there.

That's a hoof. Yeah, 29 and a half. Woo! Dude, wow. That was really cute the way you just did that. Yeah. Twirling them around. That was really, oh, dude.

Peters. You're adorable. Doing it for you. 14. Koi. 13. Wow. Big feet in here.

Jesus Christ. Man. I gotta say mine. I'm 11. I'm not going to say mine. I'm 11. I'm 11. But my dad, eight size, eight shoe, huge dong. So that is a myth. Yeah, for sure.

When was the last time you saw your dad's dong? 1984. No, no, probably. It was a Tuesday at the wedding. He got really drunk. It was a rainy Tuesday. Yeah. No, I still have the newspaper clipping.

But no. It was probably, I don't know, 89. Oh, well, that's... I don't know. Your memory might be skewed. Yeah, exactly. You were tiny, dude. I was tiny.

Yeah. But he would sleep nude. And it would just really flop and flip all over the bed. Nice. Yeah. Is it big to you because you were little? That's the question. That's how you do it.

You become a legend to your kid. Just show him your dick once when he's like three. Yeah. And no matter how big or small, the kid's going to be like, my dad's got a nice hog. Exactly. That's how you do it. Yeah. Yeah, let the lore build.

Child Services has entered the chat. Just get that dick nice and hard. Show it to your kid. Just once, on accident. I'd be like, whoa! But wait, you guys didn't sword fight with the dad? Whoa, whoa, whoa. You didn't pee together?

We sword fight and lose our head to suck. It was tough. I never won once. So yeah, you sword fight with your dad? Me, my brother, my dad. You know, all in the bowl. It was tough. I never won once. So, yeah, you sword fighted with your dad? Me, my brother, my dad, you know, all in the bowl. Oh, pissing, crossing streams. Yes.

Okay, yes, I've done that with my brother. All right. There you go. You ever do, I think we called that, yeah, crossing stream. What was it called? Crossing the stream because it was a Ghostbusters joke, you know, don't cross the streams. No, every kid did that together. Okay. I think sword fighting has to do with touching penis. Yeah, yeah, that was a Ghostbusters joke. Don't cross the streams. No, every kid did that together. Okay.

I think sword fighting has to do with touching penises. Yeah, yeah. That was a joke I was making. Oh, we didn't do that. They were limp. We intertwined them. Yeah. All right. Then there's docking.

You ever heard of that? Oh, yeah. Yeah, what is that again? I'll bring it up. Pull it up. You want to put your penis in the other person's penis? That sounds horrible. I mean, how does your dick hole that big? That sounds impossible.

Oh, it's not. It's a foreskin thing. Oh, it's foreskin. And they sort of overlap. Alright. Well, you wouldn't have to worry about that. That's good. Also circ'd. Are you circ'd? Oh, yeah. Just so late. I assume we all are. Yes. Oh.

Damn. Okay. Oh, okay. You ever do any docking? Whip it out, beard you. Any docking? No, no, no. I'm going to surf. People say it's mutilation, but I'm going to do it too. Ah, the photos just came up.

That's it. Fuck me. Yeah, I don't like that. I don't like that. You'll surf when you have a kid. You'll surf. It's not helping the nog. What if it's a girl?

Will you surf? Yes. Yeah, get that clit out of there. Who needs it? No, but my friend is 34. He got circ'd at 31 because he kept getting infected. That's brutal. Oh, my God.

That's terrible. I know. Isn't that like, aren't you in the hospital or something for that? Yeah, I mean, he had to get surgery. It has to be, right? He said it was a nightmare. But he's like, I'll definitely do it to my kid yeah i mean a bris is such a weird i remember geraldos joke about how he's like i don't even know what you were to a bris i just wore a tie with the end snipped off oh man that's a great that's a great jokey joke i love jokes like that

that and clean dude uh yeah brises were so weird like, you know, you have bagels and you have, like, whitefish salad and someone's dick gets snipped. Wow. No weenies? It's just weird to be like, what are we catering? Is it a wedding? Slightly different. Yeah. Separations.

Yeah. Man, just that first time you celebrate with a cigar. It really is that. It's the same thing. Damn. Damn. Oh. first time you celebrate with a cigar ah it really is that it's the same thing damn damn oh what a weird gig is a moil you're next pull it out whip it whip it what what a weird you're a child you just get your you don't know what's going on you just start crying yeah you just see a guy with a giant beard and a knife and you're like what the fuck you know where they should do it is on planes the kid's gonna cry

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Get hydrated. What's that? You're going to have a kid one day. Am I? You are. How do you know? He's barren. Wait, think about it you think wait is that

the man thing no it's women what is men infertile no sterile yeah there you go sterile crow um will you um have him that didn't impress me much if you have a I got to soak up some sun. Child, you have him dip? Yeah, yeah. Just so it looks like your dick? I just want bagels. I just want to have a get together. You can do that without it.

Yeah. That's the point. Now here's the question, and this is where we get weird. Is a pedophile enjoying a bris or hating a bris? Because at the first glance, you're like, hey, baby dick, this is great. But is he like, ah, you're hurting the dick, the thing I love. I think it's like a movie where you love the first half. It's like the top 10%. I got you.

Second half kind of goes off the rails. A little too violent. It's like the opposite of Saving Private Ryan. You're like, yeah, I got you. Second half kind of goes off the rails. A little too violent. It's like the opposite of saving Private Ryan. Right. Wow. Right. Yeah. I like the storm in the beach, but yeah.

Okay. Interesting. You're probably right. A bris. You leave early. Yeah. What are we drinking, by the way? I see you're like laboring over there.

This is an intensive drink. I was waiting for you guys to kind of get down the nog a little bit making a cocktail there's gonna be a switch up from that a little bit not gonna be as sweet with a little sweetness not gonna not gonna work is it bodega cat it's bodega cat gold rush oh a gold rush i don't even know i i've heard of this i don't know what's in it so a gold rush is really simple it's um it was basically like um a flip on a riff on the bee's knees um and what was that again good band gin honey and lemon so this is going to be rye honey syrup and lemon and a little bit of like nuttiness to it with some disaronno and a little cinnamon oh disaronno but just remember those ads were kind of sexy ch Chris Imperioli. No, that was...

Michael. No, he did 1809, I think. Oh. He did the tequila. Yeah. Who did DeSaron on the rocks? I don't know. Yeah, it was like a hot woman, wasn't it?

Maybe it was a woman. There was also this suave Spanish bartender who did a lot of those ads at first. Are those fireball shots? I guess. I didn't do any of these, but it's just crazy. Uh-oh. I fucking hate fireball. I do, too.

It's so not my thing. It's Lady Jaeger. That's good. Jaeger. Yeah. By the way. Hot Doug Key over here. Oh, wow.

You're right. Doug Key is kind of hot. Yeah. Kind of. Is this the ad you're talking about? This is it. I guess it was just a hot bartender. You're right.

1809 with Centurioli. Isarono's woman. Yeah, but she's getting, like, moist. You see her take that wave? Oh, yeah. Put a towel down. Yeah, this is what I mean. Look at this hot ass. Wait a minute.

Whoa, she's anemic. Gotta eat ice. That's what anemic people do. But you know the most interesting man in the world? Jewish. Oh, is he? Yeah, not a Mexican. Could be bald. That's what a name of people do But You know the Most interesting man in the world Jewish Oh is he Yeah not a Mexican Could be bald

Finally we're taking their jobs Yeah They are replacing them Huh They are replacing them Yes Yes This is great

Not bad right Oh I gotta get this coffee down A little lighter than I guess the heavy nog But I think that's a welcome Change Yeah this is great Damn Now if I walkog, but I think that's a welcome change. Yeah, this is great. Damn.

If I walk into a bar, I go, give me a Gold Rush, fatty. You'll probably be able to get it in most bars. I've been ordering paper planes at bars. They can all make them. Yeah. Hell yeah. They make them at home, dude. I'm happy with how popular it's been getting recently.

Huge. Like, everyone's really into paper planes, which is nice because it used to be pretty hard to find, like, the the Amaro Nonino anywhere. It's expensive. I didn't know how expensive Amaro Nonino is. Yeah, Amaro's pretty expensive. But you only need a little bit every time. You can also sub out other Amari or if you need Montenegro in a pinch or whatever.

It's so good. You can also use a Partiva Nonino, which is a little cheaper and comes in larger bottles. Okay. So there's a lot of little substitutes you can also use that for a Tivano Nino which is a little cheaper and comes in larger bottles okay so there's a lot of like little substitutes you can get when like a few people

have asked me like a few of our viewers have asked me like where to get that stuff like up in Canada and everything oh yeah

they don't know a good cocktail up there it's like the best well liquor stores it's harder because they're all like imports

right right right it's so it's such a good drink I've been making it at home. I ordered it at the bar last night. We were pounding them. It's satisfying.

It's just nice, refreshing, but it's still bourbon, so it'll warm you up even a little bit. I think we started a movement. I was at a party once, and it was at a bar, and it was an open bar, and I said, give me a paper plane, and some lady goes, what's that? Then she had one, and I had 18 guys drinking paper planes.

It was great. They're big. It's entered my top five cocktails well done beer jew somebody can't uh so apparently like the the only people in new york who like watch her show all come to my club that's fun the other day somebody asked if they could have a paper plane from the beer jew whoa hey it's a club though so i don't have like anything to make it with. I made something similar, but... All right.

Yeah, what do you make if you don't have those ingredients? I mean, I made like a like a bourbon Aperol with like sweetened up a little bit and with like some St. Germain or something like that. Like stuff that I had on hand, like it's like it's just like an uns-uns club, you know, we don't have any like... Yeah. Boy, he must be getting laid. Aperol's solid all solid dude he must be getting laid over there it's literally only uh like younger uh like dudes who uh actually know about us at all oh okay oh it's our it's our fan base very dude heavy oh yeah well we're drinking how do we get how do we how do we get more women on board yeah hit that We'll hit that female. What?

Shirts off. Yeah, we'll snip the dick. Put on the Patreon. We got live on there. All right. Maybe we need more female guests. Well, this will help this story. Speaking of Mari Ilnino Stoudemire, you watching the Shaq doc?

I haven't seen it. Is it good? I love you showing the sports doc. I love a sports doc. It's like backdoor getting you in a basketball. Yeah. Well, I like seen it. Is it good? I love you showing the sports docs. I love a sports doc. It's like backdoor getting you in a basketball world. Well, I like the story. I like the personalities more than just the running up and down the court. I want to get behind the player.

That's why I like comedy because you get to learn about the guy. Or UFC, you get to know about the guy. This guy grew up on a farm and he used to beat up his dad or whatever. I like that part. So the check doc, I didn't know he was a pill head. I didn't know he was shooting himself with Novocaine to get back into the game. I didn't know how bad he was hurting. I mean, he goes all in.

He's the best. He's great. He's a great guy. You just see every video of him. He'll be in a store and he just buys a kid a thing. Yes, an engagement ring. There's a great segment where he tells a kid, you never let a stranger buy something for you unless it's Shaq. Yeah.

Oh, the bike. He bought a kid a bike. I love him, dude. He's a sweet guy. He was a segment where he tells a kid, you never let a stranger buy something for you unless it's Shaq. Yeah. Oh, the bike. He bought a good bike. I love him, dude. He's a sweet guy. He was a cop. His dad was a military guy. The general. Something Harrison, right?

Yes. Sergeant Harrison. Yeah. Dude, he was such a great player. He's so underrated because his window wasn't as long as some of the other guys. Right. But at his peak, I've never seen a more unstoppable dude. No, freight train.

Oh, he was awesome. They talk about the Kobe beef, him and Kobe, where they were like brothers and then they got into it. Sad. I know. Never knowing your boy's going to be gone, you know? Yeah. You ever hear Kobe tell a story about Shaq?

He was like, how come you don't work on your free throws? He's like, we would have 14 championships if you could just work on your free throws. He's like, we would have 14 championships if you could just work on your free throws. He's like, I'm good with making 40%. Yeah. He always would say, I make them when they count. And if you look at the numbers, it wasn't true. It's just like a funny thing.

Like, I make them when they count. Yeah. He didn't train. He wouldn't go to training. He wouldn't go to practice. It must be hard, though, if you're that big. It must hurt your fucking body. Yeah.

He was in pain all the time. Kobe was a psycho. I mean, as a player, that's what you want, a guy who just is like a psychotic trainer. Yeah. I heard that story in the USA doc where he's like, everyone comes back from a night out at like 4 a.m. and he's already training. Yeah. He's already got ice packs on his knees from waking up at 3.

He would just train like a crazy dude. I mean, he was like, I've got to be that much better. It's inspiring, man. Crazy. They go into Penny Hardaway. They hit all the big ones. It's great. I've got to watch it.

I love Shaq. Oh, yeah. HBO? HBO. HBO's got some stuff, man. It's great. Yeah, it's like a five-parter. I just finished Larry Sanders.

I've watched it so many times. Yeah. So good. I've watched it top to bottom. It's such a good show. Hey, now. What are your peak moments? The episode where Hank takes over the show. Yeah. So good. I've watched it top to bottom. It's such a good show. Hey now. What are your peak moments? The episode where Hank takes over the show.

Oh my God. He's very sick, and he becomes a monster. I love that he has like one good set, and he turns into a piece of shit. Yes. I love, dude,

there's an episode where Alec Baldwin, he finds out he fucked his ex-wife, and he's a guest on the show, and he has to walk off set. He says to the producer you know uh rip torn he goes uh all i can do is picture him fucking my ex-wife and and she's on top and he goes lazy bastard so many good jokes i know jeffrey tambor's unreal he is a beast so funny that was the weed whacker what was the thing he was selling? Oh, the garden weasel. The garden weasel.

That's the pilot. Is it really? That's the fucking pilot. Wow. The whole scene with the woman where she says, that producer,

they're trying to get him to do on-air ads and he goes, you know, if you were a woman I'd take you outside. She goes, if you were a man,

fuck, I fucked it up. If you were a man I would take you outside. She goes, if you were a man I'd do it. And he trashes her, she trashes him.

And then it just cuts to him with a black eye. It's a great cutaway. And he's just lying to the makeup person. He goes, yeah, I fell down the stairs. So cool, not to get all schmaltzy, but Larry Sanders was being shot at the same time Seinfeld was being shot. Both comics came up together. TV shows at the same time, so they would get lunch and hang out after. Just hemming and hawing about showbiz and how hard it is to run a show and all that.

How cool is that? That's so cool. Two best buds just show at the same time. So cool. Pretty crazy. And they're both two of the best shows ever made. Larry Sanders is underappreciated. Oh, yeah. It's a great show. Pretty crazy. And they're both two of the best shows ever made. Mm-hmm. Larry Sanders is underappreciated. Oh, yeah.

It's a great show. Great show. In that last season. Fuck. I know. I gotta rewatch it. Oh, dude. HBO's got so...

But they're just getting rid of shit on HBO. Do you see this? Are they taking it off? They're just taking... Not that, but shows like Westworld. Oh, they go away. Which I didn't watch, but they just get rid of them, and you're like, they're fans of that show.

That's gotta suck. I wonder why they do that just keep it up i don't know streaming yeah it's pretty that must suck though if you're on that show and you're like yeah how do i watch and you're like nowhere right well you can watch it on uh-oh never mind got it got it you're illegal uh easy easy uh but when did you get nervous about this well he's here Your legal. Easy, easy. When did you get nervous about this? Well, he's here. If he wasn't here, I could really spell it out. I'm joking.

Mark on every podcast. I got this great hookup. I got it from my good friend. You could go to his apartment. He's located at. Remember the old days you had to go on the roof and like steal cable? Like it was hard to steal cable. I never had a roof to go on. Oh, yeah.

We had to go up there, clean the gutter. Then you do a little finagling. Those were different times. You get a little Playboy channel action. Oh, yeah. I remember like there was a woman. Remember Robin Bird in New York? Channel 35?

Her tits were just out. It was like a big deal. It was a big deal that you would just see a woman's tits out on TV what like Elvira no no

they were actual porn what wait what it wasn't porn it was just a nude woman she wasn't like fucking no she's not the way to spell it you ever seen those

an actual bird came off there we go well double breasted alright you ever seen those Japanese porns where it's a lady delivering the news at a desk, and two guys just stand on top of the desk and jizz on her? No.

I'll send you a link. Geez, I would watch more MSNBC if they did that. The sea has come. I'm like, man, Ari Melber's gotten really bad. Yeah, Maddow. Thank God she's wearing glasses. This is not a good example. She used to do interviews nude.

What? And you could tune it in on your cable box. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And in between there were like ads for escorts and stuff. New York was a seedy place. Oh, she's pretty. That's kind of hot.

Not so fast. All right, maybe not, but I'm into it. This is what it looked like. This is incredible. This is on regular TV. Just flip around past Channel 12. I think it was Channel 35. Yeah, Channel 35.

It's on your basic cable package. What the hell? And these people would get nude. I don't get why this was legal. We didn't ask questions. We just kind of went with it. Isn't that wild? And then she would take these strippers and interview them.

Oh, fun. Boy, New York was fun. New York's kind of getting fun again, though. You think? I think so. I was out late last night, and there were a lot of weirdos out, and I was kind of like, this is where it's at. All right.

I get worried when I see bars going away, like old bars, like Mars Bar went away, and then I think Doc Holliday's might be gone. No, that's still there. That's still there? Yeah. All right. I went by there the other day. That's a classic.

Classic. Classic guy. I went by, you ever go to Pete's Tavern on Irving Place? Oh, yeah. That's a fucking classic. You feel like that place, just the wood, you're like, this place has been here 100 years or something. One of the best bars in New York, easily.

Went there the other night, great night. Some guy sitting across from me, and he goes, we acted in something together. And I was like, definitely not. You don't want to see my acting resume. It's pretty light. He thought you were Totoro. After a few whiskeys, Sam's like, oh, that was at Miller's Crossing. Underrated movieurated movie.

Great movie. Coen Brothers. You know what else is a great bar? About five blocks away from that one, going east, no, going west, is an Old Town bar. Pull it up. 18th Street? 18th and between Park and Broadway. Broadway and Fifth.

Oh, I do know that place. Pull that up. And his ear bar is great on the west side. I've I do know that place. Pull that up. And his ear bar is great on the west side. I've never been to that one. Oh, that's a classic. The ear in, right? Yeah. Maybe it's ear in.

Beautiful. Yeah, that's a beauty. Pull up ear in. Remember Subway Inn? Subway Inn. Ooh, that was a dingy one. Is that the one that was actually in the subway? It was right next to the subway.

There it is, Ear Bar. What does that say? 1817? Get the fuck out of here. They had burgers there, right? I had a burger there once. Yeah. I went there during the day.

See, there's like a little thing to tie off, that it ties ships with right there. Uh-huh. So if you go just a few feet down the road, that is where the water was. Oh, wow. And everything else was built out by men. That's wild. I think I went there with Christian McLaughlin from Comedy Central. Remember?

He's a good dude. Oh, yeah. He was a good guy. Yeah. Last one. Of course, we've got to talk about McSorley's. McSorley's. Old school.

I've been going there once a month now. I think that is the oldest bar in New York City now. Sawdust on the floor. Yeah. You guys ever been to Rudy's? I love Rudy's. Rudy's is classic. Do I lovedust on the floor. Yeah. You guys ever been to Rudy's? I love Rudy's. Rudy's is classic. Do I love Rudy's?

Hot dogs. Yeah. That's when you, you know when you're on like hot dog number three, it's time to go home. Three hot dogs at the bar. And with Sorley's,

you just order lighter, dark beer. That's it? Yeah, because they have their own, like, yeah. Same thing with Rudy's though. They have their own,

like, beers as well. Oh, really? I mean, back in the day, you could get a pint there for like, it would be like $6 or something. Yeah, you could do it in New York. Of the Rudy's red ale, it's still like four or five bucks for a pint. And I was at McSorley's two days ago. I look on the wall, there's all newspaper clippings and everything.

They're all dingy and yellow. 1970, and it's a woman going, that's the photo, and it says, women are finally allowed in McSorley's. There's a picture of her. 1970. 1970. Oh, is that this? There you go. What a hilarious idea for a bar.

I know. No women. I know. It's like a men's club, I guess. Yeah, it's like every bar is trying to do the exact opposite now. Ladies drink for free. They're like, no, you can't. Yeah, ladies night.

Literally, I want to get drunk, and you drunk and you're like alright let's get some women no just dudes I just want to get drunk with dudes just lock the door man yes boys night out

that was like the old stories about Phyllis Diller at the Friars Club she had to disguise herself as a man to get in wow I'm sure there's pictures of it well yeah

wouldn't you want women around it's so weird that was like the old that was like I think all those dudes were probably married and that was their escape i think you're right like it's weird i had i met this guy old school guy from queens irish guy uh what do you call that four leaf clover tattoo we sat down at a diner he did this shit before he ate and i'm there with may my lady and he goes this guy's really dicking you around. Pardon my language, ma'am. And I was like, whoa, I haven't seen that in years.

Damn. It was fun to see. He was talking about you? Yeah. Yeah, and she was like, I don't care. I just drank his jizz 10 minutes ago. But it was cool to see that. I hadn't seen that in years.

Yeah, it's kind of like an old school guy thing. Totally old school. Yeah, he was a construction guy. It's weird when dudes, it's like you can't curse around women. I know people seen that in years. Yeah, it's kind of like an old school guy thing. Totally old school. Yeah, he was a construction guy. It's weird when dudes, it's like you can't curse around women. I know people like that. Like, I curse in front of my mom. Yeah, but that might be not why they didn't want them there. Like, oh, we can't curse and shit if they're here?

Fuck that. So they're like weirdly kind of, it's like out of respect. Maybe. We want to like, we're married. We want to go out and be animals. Yes. And it's just going to be around dudes. And maybe they play cards or some shit.

It was just like your escape. Right. Ah, shit, I had something. Oh, I got mugged outside of Rudy's. Really? Really? I'm not surprised about that. 2009.

Yeah. What happened? Went to Rudy's. You know you're fucked up. Pull up Rudy's, because there's a big pig outside, right? Yeah. Don't call her that. Well, I tried to hook up with the pig. That's when know you gotta go i was like kissing his cheek and whispering in the ear i think you look great but uh went drunk stumbling down eighth avenue or

ninth avenue whatever it is and uh went to a like an alcove like a little apartment with some steps going down i was like i'm to take a little nap there. What? Yeah. You might have invited this robbery. I did. I always have. It's always been my fault.

And I sat down, and I just kind of put my head against the wall and just took a little nap. And I woke up, and like four guys are going through my pockets. And I was like, ah! And they went, he's waking up! Hit me. I went out again, and I woke up. Phone was gone.

Pen was gone. Wallet was gone. was gone wallet was gone joke book was gone keys were gone then you look up they're like oh no they left behind the jokes i wish no that's uh that's that's like less of a mugging and more of just you passed out yeah yeah and scavengers found you yes i got robbed although you did get hit that sucks i got hit yeah but at least i went out easy like they could have just you know roughed me up but i woke up and you know this is 2009 so it was like pre-iphone pre-smartphone so you getting back to your house with zero money and zero credit card it's damn near impossible so i had to jump the turnstiles you know run away get on a train, make it home. It's a little easier, though, because no one's harassing you.

That's true. But, like, no, dude, it's crazy now. I was flying back from Lexington, Kentucky, and I left my phone in the guy's car. My phone is my wallet connected to it. So I'm like, I'm fucked. I have nothing. I don't have an ID, so I can't get on the flight. So I don't have an ID. I don't have a don't have an id so i can't get on the flight so i don't have i don't have an id i don't have a phone to have a ticket and i was like telling them i was just kind of at the

front desk like what do i do and she was like there's nothing there's nothing i was like you know at the end of a weekend you're just fucking exhausted you're like i just want to go home yeah and i was like i'm stuck in kentucky he showed up he found it oh which is crazy i've lost shit all the time and they never yeah but that one i saved the day wow i had a similar thing left my phone in a uber on the way to the airport get out i'm at the airport and you go all right ah my phone and the lady goes oh my god though the lady at the united was like call it and i'm like with what yeah and then she's like well well give me your phone number i'll call it i'm like it's in the back of an uber so she calls it 18 times nobody

answers so you're like what do you do so i just got on the flight and i went to my gig in phoenix how were you able to get on the flight i had my id but i didn't have the phone yeah so you can print out a ticket oh you bought a new phone in phoenix no i just i just uh figured it out like you went a weekend without a phone i went a weekend without a phone it was fucking hell it was so hard yeah why would you not just go to like an apple store in phoenix you know i knew i'd get it back you got it back i got it back when i came back to new york damn yeah i don't think i would i think i would have bought a new phone i think i would have i would have buckled it was tough it was tough. I was like a crackhead.

I was with the draws. It's like modern day Survivorman. Yeah. I was using the business center at the Hilton. Like, oh, there's my email. Oh, let me go on Facebook. Oh, Facebook. You forget how easy it is.

Just pull shit up, text people. I got the opener showing up at the club. He's like, I've been texting you. I'm like, yeah, no phone. Damn. It's a little refreshing every now and then. It it's forced on you but not for a whole weekend i slept great yeah right yeah that is dude i've been using uh blue light glasses so if i watch a show or something before bed i you know those what i'm talking about yeah yeah yeah they sell

them on amazon stuff you just put them on and it's like if you watch a show it's i guess it it's easier on your eyes yeah so it's easy you know you just watch a screen look at the screen all day you don't wind down no it's bad for your sleep i mean we we i think about every study is like what's healthy gut gut health and sleep and we're literally both road comic drinkers we We're not healthy people. No. We just had a pint of eggnog and now we're on, what is it, a gold rush? Sleep is hard, dude.

It's hard to get good sleep. I know, and it's so weird because you're tired but you just can't do it. I'm like, I'm laying there waiting for it to click in.

Come on! Well, it's hard to shut off what we do. We got off stage. You're a performer. You're fucking amped up. Yeah. I think more less about us. How about being a Broadway performer or something? it like we're we got off stage you're a performer you're like fucking amped up yeah i think about

like i think more like less about us how about like being like a broadway performer or something that must be tough as hell because you really can't like i've gone on stage sick they can't really do that no you've got to be at top health yeah and we can go hey i'm sick and make a joke out of it you know but they have to just plow through that is hell they also rehearse like several times each day so i'm sure they're just exhausted by the time they get to bed, whether it's like adrenaline or not. But they don't have hecklers. I got drunks yelling out shit all day long.

But it's kind of fun sometimes. Sometimes. But how about the heckler when you haven't even gotten to the mic yet? I'm walking out and some guy's like, hey, douche. I'm like, Jesus, man. Like, this sets a horrible precedent for the whole show. Like, let me get here. Hey, douche. I'm like, Jesus, man. This sets a horrible precedent for the whole show. Let me get here. Sugar gay.

Sugar gay is fucking insane. The whole thing is amazing. It's like an unwitty heckle followed by a dude being like, I'll fucking, I'll rape you. Anyway, this is it. Dude, I gotta pee for you. Having the farts.

Look, man. Something about chinese food in the winter we've talked about it sichuan chinese i think i mentioned it last week oh man there's a place by me sometimes i'll order that fish and chili sauce not good on the stomach yeah the next day i'm paying for it i'm trying not to fart sometimes at gigs where the crowd is small, you're doing a workout show, and you're like, this is a small enough show that if I fart, they're going to know it's me. Yes. That's a tough position to be in. You really got to be like, let me work on it, do a little Kegel here

and make sure I tighten up. Yeah. I don't think Kegel's is for your butt, though. Yeah, I don't think so either. We should make a Beagle. What the hell? Yeah, I don't know what I'm talking about. But I'm with you.

And you know when you hold in farts for a while, you can feel your stomach like, it's like, come on, man, this has got to come out. And you're like, I know, but I'm in a social situation. You know what gives me the farts? The fucking Delta lounge. I scarf down everything in there because I'm just trying to get all the free shit I can get. Me too. I go to town on those.

Go to town. That chicken, the way they're just dumping it in. I'm like, this can't be healthy chicken. No, no. I eat soups. I eat so much of the soup. The tomato basil. Yes.

A little chowder. I'm drinking it. Where are you at with farting in your seat on the plane? Well, that's what I'm saying. I really try not to out of respect to the, although I was next to Vito, so I let it rip. But normally I try to really fart on that baby maybe that's why

he's crying grab his head hold on that might kill a kid they're so fragile that the gas might hurt him you go to prison

you farted a baby you farted him to death dude I'm in cuffs. What are you in for? Murder one. Shit. How'd you do it?

It was almost a two. Yeah. You farted him to death. Murder number two. Oh, my God. Wow. Yeah, yeah. But that United Lounge, I'm like, what are you doing to me?

I'm going to get on a six-hour flight here, and it's just. Oh, dude, I can't. I have no willpower. No. The road is so unhealthy, you stress eat. I did this club in Tacoma, and it's like doused in candy. Yeah, yes. Every drawer's got candy.

I'm like, we did three shows Saturday. I'm like, you think I have the willpower being here 10 hours? Right. You think I'm not just going to fucking start chugging Skittles? Exactly. I hate myself. You're going to lose a foot in that green room because comics were indulgent people. And it's literally like a chest of drawers.

And it's like Snickers, Reese's, Skittles, M&M's. What do you do? I know it's cute and fun, but we're not eight. Oh, dude, it's disgusting. You say indulgent. I'm like, I'm literally eating. I'm chugging peanut M&M's in one hand and downing bourbon in the other and i'm like wow this is the picture of indulgence yes exactly disgusting your childhood and adulthood are meeting in one but yeah it's bad i'm the same way and you gotta

like have some willpower but it ain't easy because you're there for hours m&ms are so good yeah they really are m&ms dude it's like talk about a fucking home run yeah whoever came up with that i'd like to shake his hand and suck his dick real quick. All right. You fucking nailed it, dude. Melts in your mouth. Do you know why M&Ms were invented? No.

Oh, yes. You tell us, soldiers. You got it. Really? Tell the story. The candy shell, the hard shell, would keep them fresh because they would need to carry them. They would put chocolate bars in their pockets and they would just melt. They would melt.

So they said, how do we get them to carry chocolate without it melting? How could war get any worse? Right. You're already in the fucking trenches. Now your fucking Hershey's can't even hold together. It's terrible. You're right. You're like, hold on, German.

Making all that up for rapper. Chew my shirt for a while. Yeah. God, you see those war videos. Like the Ken Burns shit where they shirt for a while. Yeah. God, you see those war videos, like the Ken Burns shit, where they've got a bonfire going, they're putting their feet in it because it's snow, they're so cold, they've got these dumb little

raggedy leather shoes on. Ah, brutal. Dude, did you see the Peter Jackson one where he colorized? Yes! Oh my God, that was, what was it called? Remember their names? Remember their young? Yeah, I know, that was so good. Beautiful. I saw in the theater theater because Chris DiStefano. Yeah, very briefly.

DiStefano bought tickets and he was, it was back when he did the history pod with Giannis. So they went and then he got two extra tickets and he brought me and Ryan Hamilton. We also. That was beautiful. It was like, oh my God. It was like. Unreal. I've never seen like such a vivid picture of war. It was brutal. But, my God. It was like. Unreal. I've never seen, like, such a vivid picture of war.

It was brutal. But, man, Peter Jackson's pretty damn talented. Oh, yeah. So good. These are 18, 19-year-old kids. I know, dude. Isn't that fucking crazy? And most of them wanted to sign up.

They were just bored. Wow, the British team. And then you think about what's going on in Russia right now. They're, like, literally dodging. I mean, I don't blame them. They're, like, half of them are like, we don't know why we're in war i know and then they're just dodging like if you don't get the draft notice you don't have to report so it's just people hiding right and by the way is that who you want in the war nah yeah i mean that's like you know true you think our fucking problems i know

i know i always say that i'm literally like, there's construction out. These dudes are going to war. Yeah. Have you seen this video? Oh, man. What is this? This is a small shit. What is that? This guy's getting a blowjob from another soldier.

Oh, dude on dude? Yeah. Nice. And then they drop a fucking bomb on them and kill them. Why are we watching? What are you doing to us? How did they find that? Keep praying.

Those are Russians. It's okay, right? Oh, sorry. Sorry, Bridger. Is are we watching? What are you doing to us? How did they find that? Keep praying. Those are Russians. It's okay, right? Oh, sorry. Are you from Russian descent? Am I? Oh, I thought you were. I'm like Polish. Oh, okay. I guess there's some Russian in there. There it goes. Oh! That's homophobic.

Damn. Wow. Good aim. Yeah. I just hit the drone with a bomb and just let go. Two explosions. I stink. yeah i just the drone just with a bomb and just like let go two explosions i stink you give as much to work off there dude's exploding while getting sucked off it's literally like there's sometimes your crowd will like yell shit out and you're like what do you want me to do with that you ever have that that at the show? Oh, yeah. And you're like, I'm not a fucking magician, dude.

Guy will say something horrible, and you're like, all right. Yeah, yeah. I know. I had one this weekend. He goes, what do you prefer in New York, the pizza or the pussy? And I'm like, Jesus Christ, man. That's the question? Though in both cases, they're usually pretty good.

True. Consistent. Yeah. But if you have a really bad one, you're like, how did you fuck this up? Right. It's so simple. How did you fuck this up? Right. It's so simple. How did you fuck this up? You know?

It depends which corner you're finding them on, you know? I just said blot it with a napkin, either one. And you hope there's not a hair in it. Stay away from the Sicilian. You know what I saw the other day in New York? They have those little CBD, like weed Delta 8 stores. Yeah. 20% off student discount.

And I was just like, we've come a long way with weed. Oh, you got that right. This is fucking, can you imagine being in a car with a dealer in like 125th Street in the 90s? Like, I went to Yale, so it's going to be $80 instead of $100, you know? Yeah, we have come a long way with the weed. It's healthy now. It's like borderline healthy.

People recommend it. My doctor says use it to sleep. It's crazy. I was grounded for it. Yes, exactly. My doctor says use it to sleep. It's crazy. I was grounded for it. Yes, exactly. My parents would find it. They would. And my mom didn't try hard.

She would just take it and put it in the closet. And I'm like, I'm going to get it back. You're not. I mean, flushing it away is almost more incriminating, I guess. There's guys still serving time for selling weed. I don't get it. You got to let them out. That's pretty fucked up.

Yeah. We got Griner out, though. Yeah. She had weed. Although it's still very illegal over there. Well, that was hash, right? Yeah.

Yeah. That was a great trade-off. The Merchant of Death. Yeah. She's gonna play this year. Fantastic. I hope so. She's also gonna play.

Yeah, the Merchant of Death. He's in game shape. That was worth it. What about this? A black lesbian dating app, Brittany Grinder. All right. Did you believe she was going to play? I mean, that's a good saying.

Yeah, I mean, good for her. I mean, being in prison. Remember when Plax ago burst? Remember when Plax was in prison for like, I mean, it's like, you're not the same. Yeah, he shot himself. Literally shot himself in the leg. He was pulling out a gun or putting away a gun in his sweatpants and it went off and shot himself in the leg. He was a fucking New York hero, too.

He was awesome. He was a great player. Fucking badass. Wait, why'd he go to jail for shooting himself? Because you can't carry. Oh, can't carry in New York. And also, he could have killed someone else. Yeah.

I think he was in a club in sweatpants or something. Yeah. And that's why he couldn't get it. Oh, damn. Go to jail just for that. Yeah. Sweatpants. Great way to show the package.

Yeah. You put on a sweatpant, no undies. Woo! Nice piece. Get the lady going. Oh, yeah. Yeah, dude. And I'm not even well endowed, but with the sweatpant, you get some help.

You do get help. It's like a padded bra. Yeah, it's nice, right? It's nice. They should make a special one, like Lululemon will come out with it. The cock compression pants. If I was single, I would wear that on dates. Just like, hey, ladies.

Yeah, just get them excited. I think it doesn't look like you're trying on a date, though. That's even better. Like, wow, he's got a big hog and he doesn't care. Whoa. Doesn't care. It does go a long way. I wore pajama pants on a date once.

The girl told me on the date, she's like, that's pretty hot. Really? Yeah, I was in college, but yeah. I don't think I could, I literally couldn't find my pants. But I was like, shit, I got to go on a date. We should do a robe app. Oh, I got a badass smoker's robe. We did one on Zoom, but yeah, we should do that live.

We should do a lot. Batman and Robin. Good idea. You got any peeves? Oh, yeah. Go ahead. Okay. This is, again, relationship shit love it my lady and tell me if you guys have this

you're married you're married i'm alone you're gay all right um she will talk to me from the other room on normal volume terrible and i'm expected i'm like huh i'm in the other room and she's like so what what did we say we were going to get at the store? I'm like, I can't hear you. And she's like, well, come in here. I'm like, you come in here. You're the one who wants to talk. So now we're fighting.

Mark's beating off and noise canceling headphones. I can't get what you're saying. I'm like, don't text me. You'll ruin the screen. But yeah, yeah. So that's a big one. I'm like, you want to get my You'll ruin the screen. But yeah, yeah. So that's a big one. I'm like, you want to get my attention, you got to come in here or yell. I can't just hear you magically.

Just come in. Just come in here. It's wide open. The yell is annoying, too. Yeah, the yell is actually worse, too. Loud volume. Maybe it's because I'm hungover a lot. No, I'm with you.

But loud volume. I was in the store the other day, and the guy, it was this morning, actually, the other day. I'm in the store, and this guy comes in, and I have my headphones in, and he's still too loud. He's talking to the cashier.

He's just like, he's like, so what do you think about, and I'm just like, Jesus Christ, dude. Yeah, what is that? What is that? Do you have the iPhone thing

or the earbuds that close it up, the sound? Yeah, I like that. That is huge. Game changer. Game changer. AirPods? AirPods. Those are fucking, it's so overpriced but god damn it oh they're worth it i lost mine i re-bought them in a second just because they're i need them because you put in the regular

you know that cord ones you hear everything it sucks you hear so little that sometimes you risk getting hit by a car i'll take it but you don't you feel like sometimes like you're walking through i mean i look both ways but like you a horn can honk and you might miss it yeah that's true it's crazy yeah and uh some people are kind of annoying because they walk around with them in all day and like talk to you with them in and i'm like can you hear me i don't know what's going on here even more annoying is the one who takes the one out like like he's giving you like he's like Even more annoying is the one who takes the one out. Ah, the one.

Like he's giving you like, he's like, impress me. Impress me, you might get the second. But right now, he didn't make it. He's going back in. You got a window here. Hate that guy. That's true. Is that a bit?

That's not a bit. Could that be a bit? That could definitely be a bit. The one out and then the two. The one out dazzled me. Yes. Okay, Matt, you're going to have to do some research here, but that was my peeve when we were at the old studio. Get out of here.

Ear butt out? Guy talking with one ear, and I said the same thing. Really? Can I just rip off his allergies? Maybe. Wow, I'm going to feel bad. That happens with deli guys all the time, too, because especially late at night,

they're just talking to somebody on the phone, right? Yeah. They're like, how much is this? And they're just like, and you're like, that 17 dollars or can i yeah like and then he just says something else like in english and i'm like oh what sorry he goes oh no i'm on the i'm like how am i supposed to know which i know cabbies are like that too they're having a full conversation with their uncle in the in the motherland and then you're

like hey is this the turn here the turn they go you're like are we facing mecca what are we doing here so that's a tough one i got i do have other peers i'm looking uh oh here's a fucking peeve you ever see like this is my fault for being on tiktok at all tiktok's the worst but uh you see these videos like would you rather stop racism or be lebron for one day and then it's just like a highlight package of lebron and i'm like well we know which way you're leaning there's not a highlight package if you're like standing down a racist you've seen lebron through that dunk i'm like you know what you want yeah i hate that i hate the one where they're like this was like started on aol back in the day the people who were like for this to 40 people or you're cursed for a year. I'm like, fuck you, you sorcerer.

Fuck. And then these people, they do that on Instagram now. It would be someone like, send this to people or your dick doesn't work for a year. Or something like that. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I hate that shit. You see these people. Fuck these people.

They're preying on OCD people, too. I know. My friend is like, if I don't eat this sandwich, my sister's going to die in a plane crash or whatever the fuck it is. And that's going to fuck them up. Now they're like, if I don't send this, die in a plane crash or whatever the fuck it is and that's gonna fuck them up now they're like if i don't send this i'll get std or whatever yeah some guy's trying to fuck a woman his dick doesn't work he's like fuck i should have forwarded that exactly should have forwarded that video fucked up yeah they remember that was called it was it a chain letter was that what it was called yeah those used to be so annoying

letters he would send a letter to somebody and it said if you didn't write back and send it to someone else, you'll have bad luck. Yes. And it would fuck your head up. Imagine doing that with snail mail. That's what it used to be. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was called a chain letter. Oh, shit. You're right. Dude, I hated snail mail in general as a peeve. Still getting mail. I'm like, what is this, 1992? I know. I'm going through fucking envelopes.

I'm ripping. I'm like, what is this? It's so silly. I do like through fucking envelopes. I'm ripping. I'm like, what is this? It's so silly. I do like getting a check, though. I love getting a check. A check is nice. It's the only good. It feels good.

But you gotta sift through. Don't you hate getting a bill? Hate bills. Hate bill. Flipped it. I'll tell you, I got an E-ZPass bill because I ran a couple toll bridges. Thought I would get away with it. But I got the bill, and it has the QR code.

So I go, oh, all right. Now I can just boop, boop. I'm paid. So that's nice. So thank go, oh, all right. Now I can just boop, boop. I'm paid. So that's nice. So thank you, EasyPass. Online, if it's an online thing, but I'm like, just give me all my bills in email. Yeah.

I just want an email. But sometimes you get the online. You got to sign in. You got to make an account. You got to start a password. I'm like, I'm already out. Oh, dude, I'm so lazy. I'm annoyed when I get like a DocuSign thing

from my agent or something or my lawyer. They just send me like a, you got to sign. I'm like, I don't wantuSign thing from my agent or something or my lawyer. They just send me a, you got a sign. I'm like, I don't want to do it. Yeah, same. I'm literally, and then I try to give my excuses. I'm like, please, I'm drunk at a sushi restaurant. Please don't make me. Not going to hold up in court.

Don't make me. Well, it's amazing how lazy we get. Sometimes I'm texting, and I'm like, I can't go to the numbers part. That's too much work to flip from the letters to the numbers. I'm out. I'm getting fucking lazy. Yes. I mean, that's why you read young people's tweets, and they're just like, no capital,

no punctuation, no period, because that's how they tweet now. Yeah. And I'm starting to relate. Yeah, see you later with the C and the U. And I'm like, yeah, I'm starting to get, I mean, look, I hate, it's weird. That's a peeve also, though. When I get really bad grammar, I am a little annoyed. Yeah.

I'm like phone them with someone else give me your fucking periods yeah we're writers yeah you give me a there there it's with the ie they they fucked that up oh yeah there's some judgment going around when you don't know you're theirs or you're yours i think less of you i think less of you for sure one of my friends i'm not gonna say who we all know him he wrote uh uh where's our car but he wrote where's our car are and i was like where's our car oh boy you're an idiot maybe dyslexic if you're dyslexic i give you a pass that is an actual thing but like it wasn't handley it wasn't handley no it was a different just a dumb guy it was a guy you're always like is this guy dumb and then he sent

that i was like there it is he's dumb it. It was a guy you were always like, is this guy dumb? And then he sent that. I was like, there it is. He's dumb. It's fun to get the confirmation. Yeah. When you're on the fence about if someone's dumb. Right. And then you find out, you're like, yeah, he's dumb. If I get it, will you tell me?

Sure. Bobby Kelly? Nope. Who? Who was the first guy? Bobby Kelly. Well, that makes you look bad to him. Yeah, now you look bad to him. You can't snip that.

Your first guess was, that's not nice. This is a mean game. Bobby, yeah. This is a mean game. This reveals a lot about you, Salamanca. Well, you know, women look at that shit, too. What? I've heard, you know, my lady has all her little hens over, and they start cackling. And they're like, this guy tweeted or DMed me or messaged me, and he had all these misspellings.

It was such a turnoff, I didn't call him again or something like like that. He wrote, suck my dick, with no exclamation point? I mean, what a perv. He's so D-I-K. Yeah. That's a good, at least they're offended over that. Maybe they factor it in. That's nice. I guess so.

I mean, they're thinking about having a kid with this guy. They're like, I'm going to have a kid with a downsy. That's a good point. Exactly. I saw a good response to an unwarranted dick pic being sent to you yeah uh you write back you say the group chat rated this two out of ten i've gotten that response before that's a funny fucking response yeah that's good wait she wrote that oh that's that back oh that's funny that's funny that's's funny. That's great.

Oh, yeah, the ladies talk. Here's a theory. Men talk about who they fucked, and women talk about how the sex was. I don't feel like, like, if you get laid, I'm not like, what moves did you do? How did she, did she do that? We just go, did you fuck her? How was it? Awesome.

All right. Women go, how was the fucking? That's interesting. I feel like we get the rep as being, as guys, we get the rep as being the, like, talking about sex. But we're so in and out with it. It's vague. It's really, like, got laid last night. Cool.

Yeah. Seal the deal. Nice. That's literally it. Maybe they'll ask for a pic. Yeah. But then all you get is a nice, and it's over. Yes.

But they'll go all in, like a full Faulkner. Yeah. It's quite literally in and out. Faulkner. Sorry like a full Faulkner. Yeah. It's quite literally in and out. Faulkner. Sorry, what? Faulkner. I was like, there's a pun on the table and Mark hasn't taken it? What the hell?

He gave me that. I was waiting for it. So you got another one? Oh, I had, here's a wreck. Okay. Nostalgia. Yeah. Wow, it's very popular.

Very popular. But like, dude, you ever just go on YouTube and look up shit you watched as a kid? Oh, yeah. I was like, holy shit, I forgot about Guts on Nickelodeon. Oh, Guts. Legend of the Hidden Temple. Yes. Remember that shit?

That was big. I started watching. Guts. I started watching. I was like, this is a good show. Well, we were the first generation I think where kids

really got some entertainment oh yeah cause before it was like alright you got Sesame Street then you gotta grow up that's it

Sesame Street's fucking great though it's great but that's for like a three year old we had shit for like a twelve year old look at this

dude this looked like so much fun though and if you got on this show I mean you were the king of middle school. Yeah, but you better fucking listen. You know, there'd be a little...

You ever see the big talking, the temple thing? Yes. You'd be like, in 1942, you know, and then the nerds had to really pay attention. Right, right. You couldn't move down those steps. That's true. How about when the guys grabbed the kids when they're going through the temple? Uh-huh.

They would lose. I don't remember that. Do you think a kid ever got abducted by that guy? Pull that up. He just pulls you. You don't remember that? I don't remember the grabbing. He just grabs you and never comes back.

They're like, where's our son? Did that guy sign a form? Please tell me he signed a form. Pull that up. What is it? Legends of the Hidden Temple last round where they're going through the thing. Do you think there's more abductions now? Or there's more abductions in the 50s?

Because in the 50s, you could do it easier. But it felt more frowned upon, whereas now it's harder to do it with the cameras and everything. But it's probably easier to track kids online and stuff like that. True. That's why you have to teach your kid online safety and shit. Don't just put your location wherever you are all the time. I hear about it all day long. Abduction, abduction, watch out.

But I feel like I never heard about it as a kid, but it was easier then. Vitor's got a great bit about, have you heard his bit about the face on the milk bottle? The kid in the milk bottle, he's like, you know the kid's dead. He's like, that kid's expired like this the milk bottle, he's like, he's like, you know the kid's dead. He's like, that kid's expired like this milk. Oh, that's great. That was all they did.

They were like, he's on a milk bottle. Yeah, that was it. That's all he had for you. Yeah, this is, so this is, yeah, they're running through this temple.

Oh, he's looking for the buzzer. Some dude in like a fucking, in some furry outfit just comes out of nowhere and just like captures you You don't remember this shit?

No no Oh he's gotta build Some kind of statue here None of you remember that shit? Am I making this up? No you're probably right This drink fucking rules Yeah

Gold Rush Yeah check it out Okay Kids going down a Some kind of Here we go Shoot an elevator That is slow Okay. Kids going down a low... Some kind of a shoot to an elevator. Man, that is slow. 50 seconds.

Yeah, what is this, the 90s? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Different time. This sucks. Oh, boy. Different attention span. That could have been a fire pole.

They didn't need to do that weird elevator. I think they had those sometimes. Okay, up the mine shaft. This was quality entertainment. It would be hilarious if they just do... I mean, I was on my feet like, come on, Billy! You got this! This reminds me of Saturday or Sunday mornings with a giant bowl of cereal.

Yes! Cheerios. Reese's Peanut Butter. Oh, those were good. Those were so decadent. Very decadent. That's a hard way to start the day Even as a kid

You know what started all this off Was Double Dare Yeah Double Dare was fucking good Was that Mark Summers or something Yes Yes That guy was great

I think he was a comedian Was that where you got slimed Yeah Holy shit Nostalgia See Nostalgia's fun dude Oh yeah There it is

Double Dare That was a big one Look how 90s it is with the graphics. This guy fucked for sure. He showed up to the bar in that pink blazer and you know the ladies flocked. You were so nice to my son. Are you a single mother? You want to get slimed?

Man, this is a good app. We got some zingers this app, baby. I'll tell you, I watched the Sheryl Crow doc on the flight home from San Francisco. I cried like a baby. Why? Well, she went through hell to get there. She's like a young Canadian lady. She got screwed over in the business, the harassment.

She got breast cancer. It's crazy. Yeah, Lance Armstrong. D lance armstrong during the scandal they were together she's like god i finally find a guy i meet and this shit goes down or i finally and they broke up uh yeah they broke up damn yeah lance armstrong that guy's i kind of want him on the pod oh he's awesome he's kind of he's kind of a badass dude i know he cheated but he's still fucking He's kind of a badass, dude. Big alpha. I know he cheated, but he's still a fucking badass. In the words of Bill Burr, our roided up guy be your roided up guy. It's still a win. His doc on ESPN was incredible.

Killer. That was a great 30 for 30. Yes. Where he's just like, you get him, man. I mean, it's like he was a psycho. I mean, I know he cheated, but he was the best. He was the best. And when did you give a fuck about cycling before him? Oh, it's like Michael Phel psycho. Yeah. I mean, I know he cheated, but he was the best. He was the best. And when did you give a fuck about cycling before him?

Oh, it's like Michael Phelps. Yes. Did you care about swimming? Nope. Nope. Same with Liam Thomas. Michael Phelps, he made us care, yeah. I didn't care about women swimming before that.

Yeah. But yeah, it's true. You're right. He put it on the map, and he had the arm, remember the bracelet? Yeah. Livestrong. That was huge. Yeah, he also had the cock ring.

Livestrong. Put it on your cock. Well, he also had ball cancer? Yeah. Livestrong. That was huge. Yeah, he also had the cock ring. Livestrong, put on your cock. Well, he also had ball cancer. Yeah. So the first time I heard the joke, he must have jizzed on her tits. I think I moved away. I had to go to the mountains and think about how great I loved that joke. Yeah. Because she got the breast.

I mean, it's too good. He fucking rolled. That's so scary. He fucking rolled. That's so scary. Do you see that cycling at like a fast pace? How scary that shit is? They're dropping like flies. They're going so fucking fast. Sharp turns.

I'm like, that's... And it's muddy. It might be scarier than... It's not scarier than like Formula One, I guess. No, no. But it's right there. Oh, yeah. It's crazy.

The road is like this thin, and they're all like elbowing each other and then they fall and eight other guys fall It's crazy. We need a good cycling comedy. Yes get will Ferrell dude. Just do Talladega Nights, but cycling guys menstrual cycle Like a bridesmaids what a surprise we don't have more female viewers Really bombing here. This is really a fucking boy. Why don't we have more female viewers? A room of six dudes.

Why don't more women like us making puns about their pussies? What the hell? We had Natasha. 1968. Mick Sorley is over here. Yeah. A woman comes in, we're like, get out. This is a boys club.

Need to wait two more years. Fortune Feimster, Natasha, Dina. Oh, yeah. Rosebud. We've had some good. Rachel Feinstein was the first guy. We've got to get Rachel back. She fucking rules.

Killer app. Dude, yeah, the Natasha app just came out. That was a great app. That was a fantastic app. Loved it. Loved the messages. app just came out that was a great app that was a fantastic yeah a lot of messages a lot of good oh great laugh yeah she's like an old timey soul yeah i like old souls man good egg yeah um yeah a lot of good messages about that love the app love the men and women she also has like really cool style she came in that crazy green dress always just awesome always fun out styles fun yeah it's it's cool because not everyone gives a shit it's cool to give a shit

yeah especially if you have your like your own thing where you like take the time to like always do that because i wear the same three things they're all black it's tough for a guy because a guy can be like wow that's fun or like what the hell come on well this i mean look growing up i felt like i was like, man, suit comic. That's cool. But I'm like, I don't care enough to be. But then I see a guy go up in a suit. You see like a Tom Popper or someone.

Yeah. Man, he looks real good. I know. What do you think about that? Well, I think it's got to be you. It's just not you. It's not me. Yeah.

So remember Louie tried to do a suit for 10 minutes and it just didn't work? Right. But then he kind of aged into the suit. I guess. He did that later special in the suit and i thought he looked good yeah but he's already back to black shirt yeah well yeah maybe it was him at that moment right maybe maybe it's like i remember we're talking about that half hour special he's in a suit and yeah it didn't look right no but then when he got older i thought it looked kind of when you're older you kind of age into a suit i think as a guy yeah it is weird for a young dude to be in a suit it looks like you're older, you kind of age into a suit, I think, as a guy. Yeah, I think so. It is weird for a young dude to be in a suit. It looks like you're trying a little hard, I think.

Well, Mulaney pulls it off. I was about to say Mulaney. He's got an old soul. He's rare. And also, he's playing in Radio City. That's true. There's a lot of factors here with Mulaney where it's like massive venue, fits the style. But then I've talked to people who say, like, you know, I'd love to see him in, like, a fucking just a regular jacket or something.

That'd be nice. Because maybe we're going to look dumb as shit in, like, 20 years in these bomber jackets. I know. The way comics wear, like, leather jackets. They're like, what's with these bombers? Oh, Seinfeld already. He made fun of me. He's like, you guys are all wearing this jacket.

Don't you realize you're all wearing this? And I'm like, well, you're wearing a fucking sport coat. Yeah, with Nike shocks. Yeah, exactly. So, like, what's the difference? It're wearing a fucking sport coat. Yeah, with Nike shocks. Yeah, exactly. So, like, what's the difference? It's just a different updated jacket. Yeah, we all look dumb. Yeah, exactly.

Well, just get a fucking jacket that fits and you're fine. Who gives a shit? And comics have this huge fear of standing. We want to blend in. Because, you know, every comic book. Standing out is good. It is good, but we have that fear of every comic going, what the fuck is this guy wearing?

You know, you walk into the room and you're like, ah. Yeah, but if you back it up, who gives a shit what you're wearing? It's true. You've got to get over that hump. Eddie Murphy looks fucking ridiculous and delirious, but he's got a great act, so who gives a shit? And he's cool as shit. Same with Chris Rock. He wore that crazy leather shit, and it worked.

Yeah. Because he owned it. It looks weird now. It does. It's a baggy leather jacket. Then he wore a red suit, that maroon suit. That looked pretty cool. That wasn't bad.

It never scared Rock. I thought he looked kind of badass. I think it's good because it places you in that era when you look back at pictures. For sure. You're like, this is this one. This is that special. Yeah. And it's a great fucking special.

I'm just saying like... Like the Jim Carrey shoulder pad suit. You know the mustard yellow one? Yeah. You know which one I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. That one's ridiculous. Yeah, the Clint Eastwood faces.

What if we're going to talk about comics dressing wildly on stage? Cat Williams. I mean... But he's a wild guy. So I think he's... If he wore a pilgrim outfit... Yeah, exactly.

He would not look... I want Cat Williams on this podcast. Can we make that happen? That would be great. Can we will that into the world? Cat Williams? That would be amazing. Can we will that into the world? Cat Williams? That would be amazing. Can we tag him, folks?

We might be drunk. I think he'd be a great guest. I think he's funny as shit. He's hilarious. Would he? Do you think he would come on? I think he would come on. You just got to get it out to him.

I don't know how long he can just sit for. He's a wild maniac. That's true. He'd have to be across the room. He's rambunctious. We need to put a GoPro on him. He You have to be across the room. That's hilarious. He's rambunctious. We need to put a GoPro on him. He'll just be running down the street. Yeah, I can see him getting real amped up and

walking and talking and pacing down the hallway. No, because he has so much energy on stage. He's sprinting across the stage constantly. The ask this week was that Matt Peters, our producer with A Great Call, saw Simon Rex, a podcast favorite, was in town, so I did message him and ask him to come on.

And he agreed, forgetting he just had back surgery. So he's recovering right now. And I was like, dude, you're on drugs and you have spinal surgery. And he goes, you're right. That's how much he wanted to come in. Wow. Shout out to Rex. We love Simon Rex.

Speedy recovery Simon Rex. See his movie Red Rocket. He's on Pete Davidson's new show coming out. Oh, nice. A lot of guys on that. Yeah, and we love Simon, man. Good eggs. That's all we're saying here.

We love you, Simon. And if you haven't heard the other ep with Simon, it's one of our best. Oh, great ep. One of our best eps. Killer ep. Feel better. Feel better, Simon. Got that back blown out.

Is he going to get nominated for something, you think, this year? Well, that I think already passed, right? Yeah, it's over. Oh, yeah, maybe he could get nominated, right? Oh, I don't know. No, that was last year. That came out last year. Oh, I saw The Whale over the weekend.

What do you think? Excellent. Really? It looks like an exercise in torture. It is a little bit. There's no exercise. No exercise. I heard it was mid.

I heard that's how he walks. He waddles. Yeah, I heard it was just like so-so. It's like a real sad-off. Yeah, yeah, it is. They show his body, right? Is it as good? In the shower.

Wow. Was it hard sitting there with an erection? Is it better than The Wrestler? No. Aronofsky's a great director. Yeah, he's amazing. Movies fucking, dude. Seen him in a theater?

Get to the fucking theater, bro. Yeah, I saw that in Angelica. Oh, nice. Angelica. Good for you. Classic. I love that you hear the subway every 20 minutes. Yeah, right. You think it's part of the movie. Yeah, you think it's an IMAX. You're like, oh yeah, it's an indie you. Classic. I love that you hear the subway every 20 minutes. Yeah.

You think it's part of the movie. Yeah, you think it's an IMAX. You're like, oh, yeah, it's an indie film. It's probably not. How about this realization? Angelica is on Houston. Angelica Houston. Come on.

That's something. Blew my mind. All right. I thought of that while high once. Yeah. Angelica Houston. She was fucking. She was sexy. I got a rec for you. Hit me. Angelica Houston. She was fucking... She was sexy.

I got a rec for you. Hit me. Angelica Houston movie? Yeah. The Grifters. I don't know it. Stephen Frears directed it. It's young John Cusack, young Annette Bening with Full Frontal.

Really? Cans. Cans. It's a good movie. Yeah, really dark movie. I've never heard of it. Scorsese produced it. I didn't know that. dark movie. I've never heard of it. Scorsese produced it. I didn't know that.

Frears. I don't know Frears. Oh, he did High Fidelity, man. Oh, okay. Oh, wow. She was... The lady with the loot. It leads to betrayal.

You're working some angle. Don't tell me you're not, because I wrote the book. What do you sell anyway? Self-confidence. You're working some man. Don't tell him you're not because I wrote the book. What do you sell anyway? Self-confidence. You're not scheming this big, baby. Oh, well, you know. Flip the butt here and the butt there. Really good movie.

I'm in. Who wrote the book? It's a famous book. Was it John Thompson or something? No, not Tom Wolfe. It's in the noir. Was it John Thompson maybe? Who wrote it?

Not John Thompson. Jim Thompson, I mean. My dumbest maybe? Who wrote it? Not John Thompson. Jim Thompson, I mean. My dumbest shit. Who wrote it? I've never heard of it. Yeah, you got it, Jim Thompson. Yeah. All right.

No, it's like a cool, it's a really cool movie and dark as shit. Yeah. Really well made. Loved her in Witches. What's that? Remember Witches? Oh, man. It was like a kid's movie, but it was super dark.

Oh, was that? It's an old book. Is that based on the, what's his name, Matilda author? Yes, I think so. There she is. Great movie. She steals it. She rules.

She's the head witch. Dated Nicholson for all those years. I know, I know. Couldn't have been easy. No, no. Imagine that, those nights out, the blow and the booze and just driving up and down the Hollywood Hills in some convertible. Yeah, no, she's a Hollywood royalty, man. Oh, yeah.

John Huston. She was great in Life Aquatic. She's the wife. Yeah, Royal Tenenbaums. Yeah, Zizo Shoots Blanks. Dude, her fucking dad directed, did he not direct The Maltese Falcon? Wait, he did The Searchers. No, he didn't.

No, that was. That's a different Houston. Sam Houston? What did he direct? John Houston. Sam Houston's the airport. That's the city's name. No, he did African Queen.

Maybe he did some Bogart movies. Oh, Maltese Falcon. He did direct it. That was like his big break. Treasure of Sierra Madre. It's not The Misfits, but I don't believe that what do you mean don't believe it i thought that was uh what's his name skeptical salamon believe all oh nope wait a minute dude no maltese falcon was a movie that like they didn't think he had what it took and it was a hit that was like the big he was fucking around too he was in the tabloids dicking around

on her mom too oh really yeah wait what about uh who's who who's the searchers uh john ford oh boy that was way off yeah sorry everybody that's a great fucking movie oh yeah spielberg's favorite is his favorite movie oh yeah dude spielberg on npr great interview have you seen the fablemans yet I didn't love it. Really? I thought it was a little slow. Damn. Yeah, and it looks great.

It's well done. The acting's great, but it's eh. I got to see it. It never grabs you. You don't care about anybody. You see a lot of movies. What else do you see? Well, I saw The Shack.

I saw The Sheryl Crow. So I was on a documentary kick. The lady saw Whale and thought it was solid. I'm not dying to see it. I'm not either. I want to see that movie Tar with Cate Blanchett. That's supposed to be good. Ah, we're talking. I'd like to see that.

She's hot. Super hot. And great. Also, Babylon looks fun. Didn't it get, like, trashed? Oh, did it? It's Damien Chazelle. That guy's fucking great.

The trailer looks amazing yeah yeah man um y'all check it out all right all right yeah movies fucking right hey man it's a long app we sometimes we fucking sometimes we just talk people throw this on the background though who gives a shit do you think movies will be okay you think they'll keep making them you know what bums me out about movies that they're like a lot hinges on the success of avatar and i'm like why don't fucking like those movies. I don't like these. It is hilarious in every article.

Like, this is just about, like, cultural appropriation. Like, it's hilarious that it is literally. I know, but it's hilarious that it is the classic story of the white dude who becomes one of them. And is the best. Oh, is that right? Yeah. Do you know that they took the first Avatar and then took the official plot synopsis of Pocahontas and just changed the proper nouns?

Yeah. It's the same exact thing. Yeah, yeah. No, the story's been told a million fucking times. It's a very unoriginal story. And I think the first Avatar fucking blew. I saw that in the theater. Yeah, I did too.

Because it was 3D. It was a big deal. No, I saw it too. But in the theater. Yeah, I did too. Because it was 3D. It was a big deal. No, I saw it too. But I'm left being like, I feel nothing. I don't know if it was, but I think the Social Network came out around the same time. I remember being like, that's a fucking movie. Great movie. You've got writer brain.

You're not into spectacle. You like good writing. Dude, I think James Cameron makes some great fucking movies. I love Terminator. I love T2. I love True Lies. The Abyss. Yeah, I just am not that into blue fucking.

It looks like you're watching a fucking scene in a video game. Yeah, I'll watch the Blue Band Group. You know what I do when I'm playing Halo? I skip that horse shit because I want to play. I don't give a fuck about the little in-between scenes. I'd like to watch them fuck. Can we get an Avatar porn? They do fuck.

They do? Yeah. Oh, great. Yeah. What color is the jizz? Is it also blue? I got questions. That'd be a great review.

I didn't see the jizz, so I can't. I can't wait. Oh, shit. Fullsuck.com. Fullsuck. Someone. Fullsuck. Someone spent a lot of money on making this. I don't know. I don't like how quickly Salamanca had this.

Holy shit. This guy really was like, I got this fucking clip ready to go. Wow. It was bookmarked. You know what annoys me, though? There's so many great movies out. It sucks that it's got to be a movie like that or a Marvel movie. I know.

Movie theaters are depending on the survive. It's a bummer. It's so many great. Well, we've dumbed it down. You need big explosions, blue people, spaceships. Good dialogue and all that kind of out. People are lazy because exactly you know that you have so much access to shit at home you you know all these streamers

it's expensive too so going to the movies is expensive but then you look at you know all the stuff you could watch at home and you're like well it better be a reason to get me out and i think that's where the why the only reason the big budget movies are what they're depending on but like fuck I wish they'd make I thought Knives Out 2 was really good everybody's raving

about Glass Onion Glass Onion people are raving about Edward Norton it's cool to see a big budget movie with a brain yeah

it's good writing Rian Johnson I mean he's made big budget movies that are smart I thought Looper was a big budget smart movie

he's got a great resume he's fucking great, that guy. Just did, uh, what the fuck? Oh, I gotta listen to that. Yeah. Uh, he's great. Big fan. Hold on. Shit, I had another thing about him. Uh, I mean, what is

the last great movie? The last great movie? Great, like the whole country's talking about it. I'm talking like Pulp Fiction-y kind of. I don't know if that happens anymore. That's what I'm saying. Shake and run. Shake and run. I don't think the whole country's united on anything. White Lotus. I haven't heard

anyone say anything bad about White Lotus. I don't like it. He's the one. There you go. But that's a good nominee because I thought it was great. The second season's phenomenal. Really? Do I have to go back to it? The second season is better than the first. You can start with the second season. Really? Yeah. It's all different cast and everything. I should give it a shot?

Yeah, it's layered. It's nice. Very layered. Good dialogue. Makes you think. It has two sides fighting where you're like, well, maybe you got a point there. Maybe you got a point there. Which the country kind of needs right now. Maybe I'll give it a shot. You guys might have just fucking talked me into it. There you go.

I mean, I'm watching Mad Men. I'm going, this is good writing. This is great and heavy and smart. And it makes you want to drink in the afternoon. That's what we're doing. Yeah. Mad Men is really one of the top shows. We talk about it so much.

I know. It's just so good. Draper's so hot. He's so hot. The chiseled jaw. My friend went to the SNL party last week. It's the last one of the year. It's just so good. Draper's so hot. He's so hot. The chiseled jaw. My friend went to the SNL party last week. It's the last one of the year. It's like a big deal. He said, I don't know if I'm supposed to say this, but he said,

the whole party sucked. Everybody's a queef now. But **** showed up. Not even on the show. Just showed up. Blacked out. You shouldn't be saying this. All right.

I mean, he was there in public, but he sat on a be saying this all right all right i mean he was there in public but he was sat on a couch indian style and like just you know living it up we can't do that all right he didn't do anything bad he was just trashed you can't we don't want to say that though about him you know i think he know people know he drinks but but all right. I will say, that's a guess we need on this pod. Let's get... How do we get him on the pod? One of my favorite drinking scenes. What the fuck?

I was looking at Mad Men porn. He's supposed to be like our footage guy. He's just watching porn now. Everything goes to porn. You're like, what, chicken run? Hold on. Pull that porn up here. He has rule 34 embodied.

No, that drinking, that was like one of my favorite drinking scenes or like bartending scenes in general where he helps the older like mogul

make a old fashioned party. Oh yeah. Like hops over the bar. That's a great fucking scene. That's such a good scene. And he does it correctly too. Yeah. For that time. Sure. That's the great fucking scene. And he does it correctly too. Yeah. For that

time. Sure. That's the end. That's literally the episode where Roger Sterling does a blackface at a party. Oh yeah. You're like wow. They really throw you back and forth with some of these characters. Yeah. He's a great character. I mean it's a great. Fuck that's a great show man.

How did they try it out to be Don Draper? Who? Sterling oh if you re-watch it now they do a disclaimer before they say uh we don't condone blackface oh really and it's like i guess i have to keep it in the series otherwise i have to take it out like it's so fucking funny that they have to write that like anyone's watching like this is still cool right is this okay to do at a party yeah uh no they well they got rid of the episode of it's always sunny and 30 rock where they do black and it's one of the funniest sunny episodes great app it's a great it's where they do the uh lethal weapon oh yes

yes i'm getting too over this shit uh they do it on seinfeld kramer does blackface at one point the chicken one well no he gets a really crazy tan. But that's what he's waving with the chicken, right? The chicken wing? I think it's before that. I think it's before that. I know that one. But that's Kenny Roasters.

This is earlier where he gets a really crazy tan. He falls asleep in a tanning bed, and he's dating a black girl at the time, and he goes to meet her parents. Oh, you're right. And they're like, what the fuck is this? They thought he was mocking them, so they kick him out. It was funny. Damn. It can be funny. I know it's them, so they kick him out. It was funny. Damn.

It can be funny. I know it's offensive, but that doesn't mean it's not funny. Luckily, that was the only time Michael Richards ever offended a black person. Good point. You had it. You had it. No, that's the N-word rant. Don't pull that up.

It'll get me inspired to start writing. There we go. No, that's the N-word rant. Don't pull that up. It'll get me inspired to start writing. There we go. Yeah, later up maybe. Oh, maybe you're right. Maybe it is the chicken one. See, he's meeting the family. She's like, what the hell? Is this going to get pulled off YouTube for us showing this shit?

Oh, it's on YouTube. Never mind. That was it. Man, itinfeld. There's a couple of dicey scenes, but it's 1993 or whatever. Yeah, you're not going to... Even Seinfeld's low-key kind of edgy. Yeah. You're going to...

That's Larry David. Yeah, you're going to walk that line occasionally. You're worried about the blackface Kramer thing, but not worried about the Avatar porn that I... Well, that's fake. Oh. That's a cartoon. Yeah, I just assume he's going to bleep the... You know.

He's on it. That would be great if we got pulled for the blackface, but not the two blue people fucking. Blue face. Blue face. I'm blue. I hated that song

so much boy does that get stuck in your head that was an epic era of dog shit music oh I'm a Barbie girl I was going to that next

holy shit we're in sync periods another terrible band bye bye bye thanks a lot folks we'll see ya should we wrap it up

on something sure I'm still proud of Menstrual Cycle. We got to get that movie made. We had some fucking clips in this episode, I feel like. I mean, look, we did ramble a little, but we had some fucking moments. Oh, yeah. No, good stuff.

Good app. I felt like the last one, I wasn't on my game. You were great. No, no. This one, we were back. I was off. Me and Salakius talked later. He agreed.

Really? Yeah. Damn. Fucking twisted the knife, Salamonka. I mean, I had to stop him from watching porn for one second to talk to me, but yeah. We're at the diner. He's just fucking like, oh, fuck. Look at that shit.

He's like, oh, when Harry met Sally porn. Even worse, when Harry met Sully porn. Fucking on a plane that just barely landed. How great is Sully? I know they made a movie about him, but that guy's a fucking real badass. That guy rules. Yeah, real hero, that guy. I think about that all the time on Turbulence.

You're like, man, does this pilot have Sully balls or is he a bitch? If we have to land in the fucking water, can he stick it? Yeah. Talk about great movies. Flight. Denzel is the drunk. I only saw parts of it, but I remember liking it. Yeah, I do remember.

So good. John Goodman, I remember being good at. There's that great scene where apparently something happens with the plane where it fucks up, something with the malfunction, and he lands it. And they go, we tested 10 other pilots in a simulator, and nobody could land it like you did and you were drunk and they go we found two bottles of vodka in the garbage only you had access to it and he goes well it was actually three and they arrest him because he has like invert the plane or something yes the plane goes upside down it's a whole thing man denzel's a fucking based on a true story right

i think it is yeah i think they obviously embellished a lot. I think all the flight movies are based on a true story. Besides Airplane. It is weird when you see someone watching them on a flight. Yeah, that's true. You know what I mean? You're like, is this like the extension of the prep video? Or the shaky plane.

I don't like seeing it on a plane. No, no. I don't like thinking about it. Final Destination is one of the options on United. I'm like, what are you doing? It's crazy. I remember thinking that movie fucking stunk. Yeah, it's like putting Schindler's List on an Amtrak, you know?

They don't have movies. The premise is they cheated death, so now death is pretty pissed off. Yes. You fucked, dude, you were supposed to die. Yeah. And now I'm going gonna kill you one by one and we're like horrible way possible my death is a fucking kind of a woke cunt yeah death sucks what a cuck all right uh do we do it do we do it wreck wait a few okay okay just do a bit i don't know

what i have oh yeah i gotta do a bit i don't know if I have any good bits, bro. I'm bad at comedy. I'm scraping the barrel here. Anything I can't... I have one I can't fucking finish. All right. It's not good. Here we go.

Can I try it? Please. I have some... All the other new shit's just either hidden or not hidden. This is one I can't crack. So I don't know if I ever did this on the pod, but I saw a man on a leash. Wait, what? He's in full leather bondage on a leash getting walked by another man in the West Village.

Where else? And my friend turns to me and he goes, hey, it's a little weird, but he's just doing his thing. You got to respect it. And I was like, do I? I accept it. I have to respect it and i was like do i i accept it i have to respect the right like you know like he's walking by i gotta be like yo that's fucking dope dude i love you like i don't think that's what aretha franklin was singing about this is very respectable so i want to think about how like you know this is the angle it's like i can't

sometimes people will say homophobic shit like how do i explain gay to a kid i'm like pretty easy this on the other hand a bit more complex yeah if you're a dad talking to a kid like daddy why is that man on a leash well my guess is he was sexually humiliated at a very young age and uh well now he likes it and he's like well well why in public well he's what's known as a submissive uh you know he he just you know he wants people to know but what about the guy walking him he's a dom he likes to be in control but why not just walk a dog well anyone could walk a dog a human that's uh that's real obedience and power and then i it's like daddy why do you know so much about this and that gets a pretty big pop i don't know where the fuck to go right go where it's like uh because i'm a sick fuck too i just dress better than these people i don't know what to say that's not the bib it needs something sure

you know what i mean it's like right there i like it maybe something about how you do your sick shit behind closed doors yeah with the shades yeah that's like that's how deep do you want to that's why you're on a leash timmy like i don't know like a Yeah, there's a lot of kids on leashes. Yeah. How weird do you want to go with, you know? Well, it's something about, like, how you're, like, I think the point in life is, like, just, also, the first thing I know about you should not be your fetish. Oh, that's a good angle. I should know what gets you off, but not your name. Yeah. You know what I mean?

You do an act out where you're the dad and the kid, and then the kid, like, pulls his leash. He's like, well, why do we have this dad? That's a good twist and then the kid pulls his leash. He's like, why do we have this dad? That's a good twist at the end. I like that. Why do we have this dad? Because I don't trust you. Also, you could save the dog thing. Don't mention the dog thing.

And then when the kid's walking the dog later, it'd be like, oh, is that your dog? Like, I'm a dom. You know, like the kid's using the lingo. Yeah. Well, that's good. I mean, it's right there. It's right there.

I think the kid on leash is not bad. Yeah, the turn is that he's on the leash. I thought of that originally. I just am like, is that... I don't know. It's a very New York thing. Well, you're going to have to get, like, full, like, gross with it.

It's like, but why am I on a leash, Dad? Right. Because you're not. Yes, yes. Put your snout back on, Timmy. And you keep harping on how weird it is, how weird it is, and then so it'll make the misdirect even harder when the kid's on the leash. Yeah.

Pretty good. Your kink is weird if you can fucking shop for it at Petco. Yeah. Is the guy shitting, too? Like, is he full dog? No, no. He's just on a leash. You've seen that in New York, right?

I've never seen that on a guy. I've seen it on a kid. No, I've seen it on, like, people walk around. Really? People on leashes. Wow. Have you ever been to, like, the, what is it, the East Folsom Street Fair? It's not a fair.

It's, like, a huge, like, kink convention out on the street, like, in Hell's Kitchen. Right under the High Line. So you see people getting paddled and shit. It's like four square blocks. Oh, wow. Also, maybe the angle is too, like, it's weird to see a fetish alone.

Like, you see furries. It's a convention. They're together. This is weird because it's a convention they're together this is weird because it's just happening isolated it's isolated a furry a you know dominatrix you're in the wild yes yes so close all right what do you got um all right so uh i was in spokane washington not bragging yeah and there was a white pride march and i was like what are you doing there's no black people here like it's the most pointless you're you're rebelling against something that's not even a problem you know there's no black people in spokane it's all a bunch of like

blonde toothless in washington yeah yeah meth guys and i'm like that's like going to that's like being like we got to get rid of these as. And you're like, we're at a community college. That's not here. They go to real college. I like that the turn is, I like that it's like, yeah, that's funny. It's also funny that you're like, yeah, you're, guess what? Everything's a white person march here. Right, right.

You're just going to walk. It's a white person march. Yes. Oh, that's good. You don't need a parade. Yeah, well, that was my other angle is like, you could have a parade. We're celebrating. Right. The celebration would make more sense than the actual anger.

Yeah, it's weird. It's like a white person. You hear about that all the time with places. It's like a white person march, and you're just like, but it's only white people. Yeah, it's pointless. It's like having a Weight watchers in somalia it's unnecessary i don't want to shit on somalia it's it's like uh spokane washington yeah you picked the way it's funny they did a thing in uh i remember in whitefish montana there was like an anti-jew

march i remember being like, Whitefish? Oh, that's funny. That's funny. Whitefish is where you're doing it? Where's the next fucking march? Smoked Salmon, Georgia? The Filth of Fish, Arkansas. No, but it's like, yeah, you're right.

Google Arizona. There's something funny about the, you're doing a march. It's pointless. They're not even here. Yeah. Yeah, why are you angry it seems like you picked the right place to live exactly exactly that's my point um so the asian thing what was the march about it was just it's like white pride white pride you know and i'm like but you did it

it's over yeah it's a waste of time yeah you live in a shitty city yeah enjoy your white by the way it's like no disrespect to spokane the downtown's got a few nice parts but it is one of the things we were like the better cities are diverse yes if you want if you want to have like your white power thing just fucking you know yeah yeah i think the bit there's not much to it that's the problem i think that's the bit, there's not much to it. That's the problem. I think that's the bit. It's like an Asian at a community college. That's funny. It's like you're like, yeah, I mean, they're not even here.

Yeah. That's why your tests are so bad. You know, you have no one to cheat off. So that was one of these bits I tried to blow out, but it's really just like a two-liner. Yeah, it's done. It's done, yeah. It's funny. So I got another one that I need your blow out, but it's really just like a two-liner. Yeah, it's done. It's done, yeah. It's funny.

So I got another one that I need your help on, but it's quicker. Okay. NASCAR. You know, it's from Prohibition. Guys would soup up their cars to get away from police. That's how we got NASCAR. Huge American sport built from a criminal activity. Pretty crazy.

No other sport is like that. No guy was ever banging a lady. Her husband comes home, cocks a shotgun. He runs out the back door, jumps on a bike, swims to a lake. Pretty crazy. No other sport is like that. No guy was ever banging a lady. Her husband comes home, cocks a shotgun. He runs out the back door, jumps on a bike, swims to a lake. Triathlon. That's great. Didn't you do this last week? Oh, I think months ago.

Oh, I can't. Well, triathlon is new. Triathlon's new. It was something else before. Maybe you can text this to me. That's a great bit. It doesn't kill. It does like a, ah.

Triathlon. Maybe it's too long. It's such a long setup. maybe there needs to be jokes in it i don't know say it one more time i try to spit at the prohibition thing quick nascar okay nascar from prohibition criminal activity yeah criminal led to a major american sport no other sport has an origin story like that yeah guy's banging a woman husband comes home grabs a shotgun the guy runs out the back door jumps on a bike swims through a lake problem is that's not criminal activity turnstiles is jumping up what's that hurdles oh yeah there's got to be some criminal activity you're like the catholic what's the one where you shoot a gun and swim biathlon is a ski and shoot ski and shoot it's

gonna be like you're robbing a liquor store the cops show up right you shoot your way out then you shoot a duck uh something like uh it's got to be more like uh what what's a crime that's fun maybe it'd be funny if it was like a more white collar crime too because it's so different it's like you know you rip a bunch of people off you uh you know you do a ponzi scheme you vote people off you uh you fled really quickly in a lamborghini you go in circles right you go from the hamptons back to your house in new york what is that formula one yeah okay i can't i'm that's not the right angle That's not the right angle. It's like... Could be, you know, Tour de France.

Yeah. I do think the triathlon thing is funny. I think it's so long, and then it's just like triathlon. People are like, oh, okay. So the first part is... It doesn't really see it coming, too. It's a crime. I need more of a crime.

So the first part is it's NASCAR we did it maybe it's like something more opposing government that way you make it about like abortion or something or guns like embezzling or something money laundering this is

something could be the high jump something could be what's the thing when they're with your leftover boner So something could be the high jump. Something could be... Oh, yeah, high jump. What's the thing when they're scaling... Pole vault with your leftover boner when you're running away from the husband? Oh, God. I'm not that well-endowed. That's a great punchline, though.

You're like, my dick is so fucking big that I just pole vault with him. I was like, yeah! Yeah. Yeah, this one is a it's a tricky one for sure because it's like started with a criminal i think another problem is people people don't know this so it's like they're learning something and then exactly exactly because i didn't know that i'm giving a lot of information uh it's there's also a brilliant racist joke from like the 60s brilliant it's clever it's really clever so it's like uh hey you know black people steal uh shoot and something else basketball so they're kind of similar i don't know if it's brilliant well you, it's brilliant. Steel Shed, there's another one. I can't remember what the other one is.

Something about basketball. Damn it. But not brilliant, but it's like, oh, that's clever. You know, boom, boom, boom. Run, jump, and steal? Run, jump, and steal, maybe. Okay. And shoot.

Run, shoot, and steal, yeah. I don't know. But so I was trying to think of something in that way, not that I'm using the racist joke as my muse. It would be hilarious if all of Mark's jokes had origins. I'm like, Mark, there's a joke from the Klan from 1914. Just the brilliant ones. He's like, it's really good.

I mean, there's cleverness in these jokes. No, of course. Even ignorant premises have something sometimes. So, okay, you're... How do you stop black people from jumping on the bed? Oh, boy. Let's not go down this road. You don't know that one?

We know it. All right, all right. I don't, but I don't want to know it. Okay, it would work for Sam, too. That's true. All right, do it for Sam. Put Velcro on the ceiling. All right.

All right, all right, okay. The audience is laughing at home the show ended ten minutes ago I'm glad that most people stopped watching long into this episode

alright well we got the witches they cut out this is worse than your chunk this is fucking what is it

let me get us off the air here besides but besides besides starting nascar the prohibition also led to the rise of like al capone and all those so it's like the prohibition was also like the prohibition against weeds so you can go into like a little more historical fact gives you a little more room to make jokes yeah i'm just scared about giving i don't want to do a fucking TED Talk up here on prohibition. But that's true. It led to a lot of organized crime.

Yeah, it started the American mafia. Yeah, also started border towns. That's how we got Mexican border towns. People were just like, I need a drink, I'm going to fucking Tijuana. I'm trying to think about this bit still. Yeah, something here. We just need the right sport. Pole vaulting over the border? I don't know. Oh, something here. We just need the right sport. The whole thing over the border?

Oh, yeah. Ski vaulting is the ski one. It's funny because that's already a funny thing. Bob sledding is funny. If the sport is funny, it might help the bit. Seinfeld had a great bit. He's like, Bob's the weirdest thing. There's no sled. It's just Bob.

Great bit of his, but still nothing on that basketball black but uh all right joking what uh what uh what is the fuck i know we need the right sport i hate when there's not a i also thought something could be funny about maybe that's why they drove in a circle in nascar because they were hammered, you know? So now you could go after drinking a NASCAR, connect those somehow. He was against government. You've been noodling on this for months.

That's how I work. I feel like if you can't crack this, it can't be cracked. No, you way off. I got bits eight years in the making. Really? Hell yeah. No, we all have. I mean, Mark can tell you,

my white knight bit took fucking, what, five years? Yeah. Bits take fucking, bits take long sometimes night bit took fucking, what, five years? Yeah. Bits take long sometimes. And it turned out great. It was a closer. Bits take long. I almost put it in a special before thinking, and I was like, I'm glad I didn't. Yes.

Sometimes you got to sit on some shit. And there's no rush. No rush. Pull this quote up. Einstein. I'm not smart. I just sit with problems longer. Where did I learn that one?

Einstein. Einstein. Einstein. I can't jump on a bed, but I'm pretty cool. He also said creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. And he was a patent clerk. Is that right? Brilliant guy. It's not that I'm smart. It's just that I stay with problems longer.

There you go. You just stay with bits a long time, and you eventually get it. Sounds like my ex-girlfriend. But you stay with a bit for a while. I'll tell you, you're right. People don't know you sat with that bit for four years. When they see the bit, they go,

that's fucking great. This guy's a genius. You're like, it actually took me 10 years, but they don't know that. My wife, she's all right. She's all right. She's all right. She's got to that point where I'm drunk, Rodney. Good teacher.

Really seems to care. Can I tell my Jeff Ross story real quick? Yeah, please. Oh, sure. So, as you know, Carolines is closing. RIP to Carolines. Great club. New York State.

Did we give them a... I think we did on the last show. Yeah, we had great times there. I heard they're moving, so there might be another iteration. I hope so, yeah. It would be an end of an era. Apparently it started in South Street Seaport. I didn't know that.

And then it moved to Broadway 40 years ago. It started in Chelsea. Chelsea. It was a cabaret, and they had Monday night comedy night. And it did so well, they said, let's do Tuesday too, and then it took over the whole thing. Sorry. No, yeah.

Comedy nerd. So they're having some big guys close it out. So last weekend was Jeff Ross. Next weekend is Attell. I don't know when this airs. Attell has done every Christmas. So that's what he's doing. He's done it every year since I was in high school.

I went to see. No way. I have a signed playbill from Dave Attell from 2004. Are you going to be in town on the 28th? I won't be, unfortunately. I'd love to. The 28th is a Thursday. I know I'm flying to Spokane, dude.

I remember that playbill because you called him Sugar Gay, and he got mad. He was like, what the fuck? I'll kill you. He beat the shit out of me. I was like, Sugar Gay? Put me in a fucking headlock. Oh, yeah. He called me Sugar Gay.

Then he made me suck his dick it sucked get to the store I'm gonna keep going with this what's going on and then I'm acting it out so you know

Tell is going next weekend but you know comedy people are coming out families of like Gilbert Gottfried's family came out

to pay respects Rodney's family were sitting. Oh, nice. To pay respects. Rodney's family were sitting in the front row. Shut up. And Jeff Ross was like, so who are you guys? And she was like, I'm Rodney's daughter. Whoa. And he's like, oh, very nice. And who are these people?

And there's like these older kids. And he's like, these are my kids. And then Jeff starts roasting them in Rodney's voice. Wow. With Rodney's material. Wow. He's like's material. Wow. He's like, hey, you have any kids who lived? And he just kept harping on them.

At least you knew she wasn't Two-Face. She'd be wearing her other face. He was doing this to his family. Were they loving it? No. Arms folded. Oh. I just picture eight kids in suits with a red tie.

Someone animate that, please. They're sweating the whole time. They're like, ooh. Yeah. This Ross guy is really bombing. He's all right. No respect. No respect.

I haven't seen a bomb this bad since that guy got blown in Ukraine. Oh, my God. All right. Let's get it. Wow. That's a wild sight right there. Well, kids, you've got to realize the son or daughter or whatever of a comic isn't a comic. You ever seen Kelly Carlin?

She's like a nice, normal lady. George Carlin, one of the greatest comics of all time, is his daughter. She doesn't do it with comedy. No, but she gets comedy. She's cool. If you hear her talk about comedy, her observations very, you know, her observations are astute. She's a smart person. She gets it.

Yeah, but she ain't one of us. Yeah, it's a different life. It's a different life. That's what I'm saying. But she's a smart person. Yeah, it's not like your wife has to be a comic. Exactly. Damn it.

But yeah, touche. I came home. I see a guy jogging naked. I said, sir, why are you jogging naked? He goes, because you came home early. Yeah. So my doctor said, you got cancer. He goes, I want to get a second opinion.

He goes, all right, you're ugly, too. Classic. Rodney is the best. Yeah. I was an ugly kid. My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend. All right?

I was so ugly when I came out, they slapped my mother. I got no respect. I used to share a locker with a mop, I tell you. That's a nice throwaway. That's a classic. Yeah. Oh, I love all those fucking old Rodney bits, dude. He gives me hope because everybody goes,

comedy doesn't age well. It rarely ages well. And Rodney, those Tonight shows still hold up. All the jokes are timeless. And they have millions of views, which I love. I love that young people are like, wow, this is funny. Because they hate anything old. I went to the bartender.

I said, surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife. I said, who said he could sleep with my wife? He said, everybody. Wow, that's a double. Killer. I was wondering, my wife cut me down to sex once a week. Some guys,

she cut out all together. That's a great one. Brilliant. My wife, she told me once to have sex in the car. And she wants me to drive. They still work. They still work. She wants to talk during sex.

The other week she called me from Chicago. I've never heard that one. He's great. That's a killer. He's the best. And they're so short, and they still murder. I'm sitting here with Spokane nonsense, and this guy's got 20 in a row in like 11 seconds. I asked her if she wanted a cigarette

after sex. She said, no thanks, one drag's enough. Oh. Woo! Man. Now I want you to pull it up, but we'll be here all night. We'll be here all night. All right. All night. You've been all right. Sorry, I got my Rodney

Tourette's going. I love it. Arteez. All right, folks. Thanks a lot. We might be drunk. Happy New Year. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. See us on the road.

Merch. We got merch for Bodega Cat, too. Oklahoma City this weekend. Then fucking theater tour starts, baby. So New Orleans, Austin, Dallas. Tulsa. Tulsa. St. Louis. My eyesight's blurry. Tulsa. Tulsa. St. Louis.

My eyesight's blurry. Las Vegas. Vegas. Las Vegas. Las Vegas. Vegas. Let's see. Vancouver.

Seattle. Portland. February 4th. Big, big, big dates. Salt Lake City. Valentine's Day. I'll never be more alone in my life, I'll tell you. Huntington. Huntington. Atlantic City. Royal Oak. Nice. Oh. I'll never be more alone in my life, I'll tell you. Huntington, Atlantic City, Royal Oak.

Yeah. Nice. Minneapolis, all that shit. Boston, out of fourth there, so come out, please. My schedule's all out of whack here, but I'm back in the clubs because I need to build a new hour. Zany's in Nashville. We got like eight shows ready to go.

Love that. That's fucking great. Then I'm going to Hawaii to go. Love that. That's fucking great. Then I'm going to Hawaii-E. Blue Note. Tickets are not moving. Then Miami Improv. All kinds of fun day. MarkNormanComedy.com.

We're going back to Spokane. And then Jacksonville. I'm doing some rough ones. Dayton. Toledo. I'm running it through the mud. Where in Toledo? Funny Bone.

Oh, George, what are you doing? I don't know. Hey, look at it. City of Glass, my friend. Easy, Fort Wayne. On Thanksgiving. We don't love ourselves. No, no, it's a problem.

But yeah, come on out. I need you to fill these rooms with our people, so I'm not reminded I'm in Toledo. Toledo, the type of room you go into the hotel, you check the ceiling fan to see how much weight it could hold. Oh my god. Is that his? No, it's me. It's me and Rodney's voice. That's killer.

Yeah, I'll kill myself. That's what the tour's called. And yeah, we'll see you in hell. Get some merch, get some bodega, beer Jew. Mark Norman voice. Suicide! Beer Jew is at Good Room in Greenpoint every Friday. Otherwise, I'm at Say Less. And I'm in the U.S. for another month or so.

And then if you want to meet me somewhere in Southeast Asia, hit me up. Oh, interesting. You're going to be the tallest. You're going to be like Mothra. Girlboys. What's that? Exactly what I was going for. Jeez. Sal to be the tallest. You're going to be like Mothra. You hear that 14-year-old boy? What's that? Exactly who I was going for. Jeez.

Salamanca coming hard. What'd you say? You hear that 14-year-old boy? Oh, yeah. He's going to be grabbing them like the end of the Hidden Temple. Anything to promote Salamanca? No, I'm just shooting this Caroline's Last Days doc. Can't wait to see that. Can't wait to see that.

Can't wait to see it. It's going to be great. Excited for you. A classic club. So we're sorry to see you go, Caroline, but we can't wait to see where you end up. And thanks for all the gigs over the years and all the free drinks and chicken parms. We appreciate you. Hell yeah.

Yeah. I think we both won contests there. I think I came in second. Me too. I think we both lost contests there I think I came in second. Me too. I think we both lost contest there. Oh, yeah, good point. I lost to Soder. It was a great night, though.

I still had fun. I still had fun losing to Dan because he's great and he's a good friend, so it was a fun night. Yeah, those Christmas parties, my God, great time. I still remember Rich Voss spin kicking Jason Cantor and breaking his ribs. Yeah, crazy. Good times. Parties, Cantor and breaking his ribs. Yeah, crazy. Good times. Parties.

Parties. Broke his ribs. All right. Those were the days. You guys, you good? We'll see you all in hell. We love you guys. We'll see you soon.

Thank you. Comedy. Sunday's the day for my next offender. A bit of Pivoreck, you know the future's close. I've had a little too much bourbon And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming

And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her We might be drunk.