We Might Be Drunk - Ep 111: Yamaneika Saunders & Paper Knife

Episode Date: January 23, 2023

Huge laughs on this weeks episode of the podcast with Yamaneika Saunders. Great clips, funny farts, great stories. Instant classic of We Might Be Drunk Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/shows Yamaneika Saunders: https://www.instagram.com/yamaneika/?hl=en Go to https://RocketMoney.com/DRUNK Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code DRUNK for 20% off. Save 10% by using code DRUNK at https://www.tryfum.com/ https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com/shop https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com

on that note are we rolling oh hey we might be drunk folks welcome how the hell are you we got uh we got yamanika saunders here old pal fellow comedian yes she just woke up from a cosby i did wake up from a nap oh man, man. You came straight from the gym. I came straight from the gym. I did some extra steps today. I walked back on the subway, back in poverty time, back on the subway with the poor people. Uber has really, Uber's a rich man's game, a consistent rich man. You can't be on hiatus from nothing if you want to stay on Uber. Wherever you're going after this, we got your Uber.

You really do? Of course, yeah. Shit, I ain't got nowhere to go. I'm walking up to my psychiatrist and get some pills. Even better. Just take it to him and drive around the block a few times. You guys are so cute. I should have known y'all had the Uber hookup. Oh yeah, we got the app.

Yeah, we got the hookup yeah are you worried about the subway at all like that seems like the slashings went up yeah i mean i haven't for two and a half years i didn't go into subway at all whenever the pandemic start to whatever it kind of like died down a little bit then you know um i'm not i don't want to be i don't like being around people in general so you know i mean you don't already added murder to the shit too you added murder to some shit i already don't want to do like oh i'm really not gonna be here now you know it's a good point crazy the dmv it's even worse yeah it's like and it's a poor person's game too I hate to talk about poverty and poor

but this is you know I don't want to die like that people want to die stabbing is a bad way to die first of all the thing about stabbing is this how slow do you have to be moving to get stabbed but then

also you gotta remember sometimes you can't break away that's my thing because like if i got open air it's gonna be hard for you to stab me if i'm awake right you know i'm saying like a foot gotta go out an arm gotta go out when you on the subway and everybody's sitting down and all this other nonsense the stabbing it can't happen immediately because you ain't got nowhere to go yeah but the only thing that could possibly save you is that the person can't get enough velocity in their arm because they can't go back but so far and then it's a light stab hard to stab at rush hour yes no room you need the yeah the rotation sure yeah what about one of these you next somebody you know you hit him with the old That's not a knife, my friend.

You know what? One of my friends said he used to be, I don't know if I should tell this story. I'm not going to say his name. He was in prison. Oh, boy. Cosby. Yeah, I wish. You never know. I wish I had

got access to Bill Cosby back in his pill days because I would have sued him so hard. You know, I get it. You want him just to be vilified, but I also want some cash. Sure. You know what I mean? Like, you know, the statute of limitation is up, but hush money never expires. My friend, he was in prison and this you know it sounds like somebody tell

you something and it sound like a lie but they tell it to you so well you're like oh is it believable and then now you got to go on a deep google search to see if it's possible right so he told me this guy kept messing with him whatever he's a thin guy he said he got a piece of paper he was collecting paper keeping paper, letting it get crunchy. Is this a money thing? What do you mean money thing? Paper. What do you mean paper hard? Newspaper.

I forgot. I forgot. Ain't y'all millennials? Y'all don't know about newspapers. Oh, okay. We used to keep the paper hard. What else? Who else?

What a paper. I didn't know what that meant. Sorry. I don't want to show my occasion. Did y'all think about newspaper when I instantly said paper or y'all didn't say i thought paper was money i gotta make that paper child i can't even mess with y'all i mean i get it but who even touches paper now paper's obsolete i got paper on me you're talking about cash yeah you got cash i got a ton of cash i don't have no cash they said they stopped printing paper that's what i heard on the conspiracy theories ah they said no more paper and then they're gonna go to the yang or some shit

like that but i don't know you know i get my news from bet basketball player um next thing you know they got the man said he uh my friend said he went was crunching up the paper making the paper hard so paper could be super hard paper gotta be super hard crunchy you gotta wait i guess months for the paper to get hard i don't know how long it takes for paper to get hard why would you wait months well because he rolled the paper up he said he finally got the paper hard he rolled the paper up and made a shank out of it so when the guy came he said he backed with a piece of paper the newspaper i see and he said the guy was gushing blood. I said, gushing off of what? I said, was it obituaries? I don't even know. To me, it was so crazy that you could even get paper like that.

Yeah, yeah. So I had to start Googling, but I never found anything that said it was actually factual. I don't know. Not even a prison lore. Toilet paper knife. I mean, they get crazy creative in prison. Toilet paper knife. Can we see that? Look at that. Who made a toilet paper knife? I mean, they get crazy creative in prison. Toilet paper knife? Can we see that?

Look at that. Who made a toilet paper knife with the handles real? If you jizz on anything, it'll get hard. I mean, have you seen a crunchy sock? Do you think when the warden grabs him, he's like, look, this is terrible, but A-plus for creativity. Right, you get a gold star. Look at that. What are we drinking, by the way?

What is this? Oh, yeah. What the hell am i drinking that's like a basil and um kind of cranberry with a little gin i want to try that actually i want to try that can you make me one i'm not drinking because i've stopped drinking but i definitely when you said all of that i want that it's good with gin or just without i can make it without make without the gin yeah don't don't don't without the gin don't fall back I wasn't no alcoholic

honey my addiction ain't alcohol it's food what kind of food are we talking oh my god well first of all my system I'm this way because of a disability okay that hasn't I'm trying to get it up to congress oh boy um when you got a

slow metabolism it's a disability okay so that's my situation a lot of people have that problem um i love macaroni and cheese i love anything with a crust anything that's cheesy yep i like anything that's like um you you um you ever had like a um a fondue right but then you have like a cheesy fondue and then you got like a chocolate white chocolate fondue oh yeah my lowest point because i'm not eating like that anymore because my diet you've lost a lot of weight i have lost a lot even though people go they gotta see a side by side right because i'm not eating like that anymore because my diet you've lost a lot of weight i have lost a lot even though people go they gotta see a side by side right because i'm still fat right so like when fat people start losing weight it's like well bitch don't stop here you know so people try to withhold the congratulations until you you get where you need to get. And then they start to go, oh, okay. You know, I'll write us a little bit. So, what was I talking about?

Fondue? Yeah, that was my ex-girlfriend. She was Asian. Fondue. Oh, no. Yes. Let me tell you something. Mine was Jewish. Her name was Won't Do. Listen, this is... Let me tell you something.

And Baby Shark, do-do-do-do, they say. Clip it, clip it. Somebody said that, said everything do rent do, pay do, baby shark do-do-do-do. Y'all need to jump on black Instagram and Twitter. It's more fun. Oh, black Twitter is amazing. And what is it, hood clips? Oh, my God.

Oh, all of that. Yeah, you can't. I realized I had to start following a lot of white girls because it was too many pink organization amazon um box reveals for me it's like and they always got miniature shit white girls love little teeny shit tell me about it. It's a problem. Oh, man. You know what? I'm just going to relax and enjoy this show because I like to laugh, too.

Good. That was crazy what y'all just did. That's wonderful. And by the way, the only reason we didn't bring a drink out for you, I feel bad now as host is because I heard you don't drink. Yeah, I don't drink. I eat. Right.

And I can't you know what i'm saying i can't do that like that anymore because you know my system my metabolism i've had to cut out so much stuff that i love i love cilantro number one thing i can't have so i went and did uh got blood work done which everybody should do because you don't know you start following the things that they say you're supposed to have and not supposed to have but you need to follow the things that are happening for your body in particular thank you so much my love that looks delicious gut health yeah all of that so when i went and got the blood work it said i

couldn't have cilantro there we go wow cheers thank you to the paper knife oh that's good you came up with this yeah to the paper knife. Oh, that's good. You came up with this? Yeah, he's a hunk. You know, we have the paper plane. This is the paper knife. I like that. I love it.

Well said. Ciao, Mark. I can't take... This is what I'm talking about. This is some shit you'll never see on a black podcast. She's trying to talk about her journey to weight loss. Put a poot out of his ass. And he know I'm the wrong one to do that shit to. I went and took a shower to come here from the gym.

And you're going to raise your little stank ass up and let that air. And then put it in your damn eyeballs. That's crazy as hell. And this is exactly why people be getting murdered on the train because of shit like that. That's insane. We're all adults here. Insane,

Mark. I can't believe it. And you heard how it came out like it was surprise. It was surprise. You know what it was? it was like a fart the way a guy would like peek behind the door right right because it saw me out here was like not why this black lady's here but we already being pushed out i treat everyone equally that's why i thank you but also i'm offended oh it's out of love i didn't know i appreciate no no that's

it's a comfort thing of course it doesn't smell great either but i can't talk about food now with this you know shit lingering in the damn air that's crazy you need to go see no no no i have to tell it let me finish because i went and got blood work done i still got a couple more they took so much blood the woman said to me at the lab she said do you want me to take all this in one sit down so i was like yeah who cares of course why would i want to come back here and get more blood and this and that right she came out with like 40 little vows and i said okay well whoa she clearly the bitch not gonna fill up all of these right it's gonna be a drop here drop there drop drop drop drop by the 10th one i was like listen what so do people be passing out from this yeah it's just like yeah all the time

all the time that's why i asked you if you wanted to do a certain amount i said okay well i said listen what number do they pass out because i just want to beat the person that passed out at. And so we wound up doing 20 in one day or so. Damn. I had to come back and do more. There's four more that I had to do. So it's, you know, so it's based upon my body. So my blood, I can't have almonds.

What? So, you know, I had been making adjustments with almond milk because they said with healthy living, you want to do almond milk instead of regular milk. That was fucking me up because I can't have almonds. It like it shoots through my system big time. It causes me to withhold and blow and all kinds of shit in my system. I can't have peanuts. I can't have cashews. I can't have cilantro.

I can't have green beans. Wow. I can't have peanuts i can't have cashews i can't have cilantro i can't have green beans wow i can't have any like i had to stop italian food which is really hard for me because i had i can't have basil i can't have oregano this has basil in it doesn't it does it this has just like the flavor of it there's no actual what is that green thing. Yeah, you don't eat it, though. Oh, no. The way you just did. What was that? I just want to say now, if I start bloating up, it's because of the basil. But it's a lot of things that you have to think about when you assist them.

I've just been throwing food in my body because I want it and I was hungry and I'm eating it. To be fair to myself, I don't eat all the time. I just eat shit that I just want. Don't think about it. We need to all think about the things that we put in our mouths, what we eat. Ladies, don't think too hard, though. I mean, you know, semen is good for some women in their diet. Is it? There you go.

I'm sure somebody has a semen benefit. Yeah. It ain't me. I don't think doctors are giving you that information with your blood work. You should have more semen benefit yeah it ain't me i don't think doctors are giving you that information with your blood work you should have more semen well a lot of women i'm sure come in with a lot of semen already yeah and they probably like continue to do that because that's actually reducing a lot of the bacteria and candia in your system yes yeah not good for the eyes though no we've all been there or the belly of yours is hairy.

Yes. You ever shoot it up on your belly, you're like, ah, now I gotta take a shower. It's fun to make the hot tub though. Little belly button. I'm never going into a hot tub. I cannot believe you would jerk off on a hot tub. No, no, I'm saying the belly button's like a little hot tub

with the jizz, oh boy. No, I don't know, what? I wouldn't do it in a hot tub. I can't get hard And who pulled up 14 things to know About swallowing semen Oh shit

And why was it Bookmarked on your Computer Mac What are the 14 things We need to know About swallowing semen Please First of all

Is it actually Safe to ingest Of course We've all done it For the most part Yes Sure It's not the same As food Is it actually safe to ingest? Of course, we've all done it For the most part, yes It's not the same as food Is it as protein rich as everyone says? You can put them in your shakes

Wow, zinc is in semen? This shit could fight COVID See, but this is the thing about the semen Look at this It's got sugar in it Sodium, also a problem chloride problematic too much calcium problematic damn okay it's lactic acid come on now it's literally what the hell is that damn are you just saying that because it's it's urea oh what's going on

you know that for sure because i'm this i said 2023 i'm gonna stop just trusting white men when they tell me definitions of words because sometimes it don't even make no sense yeah sure because we all believe a white man right wow i didn't know but what about uh squirt women squirt is that urine it is urine it is urine i'm gonna tell you how i know because i take oh wait no please don't finish space no let me not go no come on ah yeah let it out sister okay so one time a guy i was with a guy i did not know because let me tell you something take the skill it's a guy this is a specific guy that can get a woman to do that. Yep.

And then when it happened, I was like, oh, my God, I think I peed on the bed or some shit. So I was like, what is that? But then, you know, like an idiot. Isn't everybody's first reaction is to be like, put their finger inside them and go like that? Sure. Right? Yes. And I was like, oh, that tastes like pee.

I was like, oh, I peed. But it is some pee. It's some pee, but it's not all pee. It's not all pee. It's a little bit of pee. I kind of like it because it's- Oh, you got women out here squirting like that? Yeah, a couple times.

Well, me and my cousin are very close, but a couple times. It always be the niggas that be farting out their ass and get a woman to squirt. That's crazy. I'm very comfortable with my body. You guys take the goodiggas that be farting out their ass and get a woman to squirt. That's crazy. I'm very comfortable with my body. You guys take the good with the bad. Yeah, hear, hear. But yeah, a couple squirts. One time a girl squirted my face and it got in my mouth.

Oh, it did? It was pretty hot. Damn. Because it was like a return. Like, I know how it felt now. Wow. You know? What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Wow. I remember many years ago I was in a comedy condo uh quit bragging and uh and a woman just squirted everywhere and i was kind of like whoever has to clean this up i i feel just i just feel terrible that's that's what is the worst is that when you open for roseanne hey she was already on ambient what happened to good old Roseanne? She had that one tweet and disappeared. I didn't know the bitch was black.

That wasn't bad. I used to like Roseanne's show. She'll be back at some point. She's a good November. We share the same birthday, November 3rd. Oh, there you go. Yeah, so Roseanne, shout out to her. But you know what?

Mental illness is real. Yeah. Sure. And we all just teetering. I know I am. Are you? I'm te illness is real. Yeah. Sure. And we all just teetering. I know I am. Are you? Sure. Teetering on mental illness.

You just be like, one slip and you're going to be back right over there. Those are the best comics when they're right on the edge of psycho. Yeah. Yeah. She owns a nut farm, which is kind of appropriate. But yeah, she owns a nut farm in Hawaii. Who, Roseanne? Yeah.

Oh. And she got hit by a car when she was young, and she totally changed her personality. What is this, A&E, a biography? Why do you know all this shit about her? I know everything about comedians. I love comedians. Yeah.

I know your bio. You from Maryland? Oh, shit. Let's slow it down. All right. Because already you're hitting the right things, and I don't know how much i need out there in the streets so you like that ginger beer too that's pretty good right i love this and it

you know they said well it's diet but i don't taste the difference brood in australia let me tell you something any place that got kangaroos do not fuck around that's true how many places kangaroos besides australia whatever else is in australia are there kangaroos besides Australia? Whatever else is in Australia. A koala? Are there kangaroos over here? I don't think so. No, in zoos. Why did Trump get rid of a few of them? In Oregon, they have kangaroos?

What? Really? I did not know that. Is it called a wild kicker? No, he's fucking around. Yeah, wild kicker? No, he's joking. So when they come to America, they call them wild kickers?

That's not a bad name. We're so lazy as a people. Yeah. Wild kickers. Does America have a secret kangaroo? If they don't, they will. This is QAnon's next thing. They're like, the Jews hide the kangaroos.

It rhymes. It makes sense. Yeah, yeah. Even the kangaroos are like, what the fuck am I doing in Detroit? Look at him. Whoa. He's in Detroit? Kangaroos in Detroit.

That's hilarious. That's a Pixar. That is a Pixar movie. Eddie Murphy does a kangaroo. What the hell am I doing here? He's rapping. Mom's spaghetti. You ever seen the kangaroo video where he fights the guy?

They went viral. That's a classic. Oh, I want to see it. Where the farmer punches the kangaroo because it's strangling his dog? Yes, that's the one. And the kangaroo just looks at him like, fuck. This guy has got balls of steel for doing this. And the kangaroo kicks his ass?

Well, I don't want to ruin it. Oh, look. He fucks with his dog. He's choking his dog. So he runs over. Wait a minute. Make it bigger. Make it bigger. Please. Wait a He fucks with his dog. He's choking his dog. So he runs over. Wait a minute. Make it bigger. Make it bigger.

Please. Wait a minute. How did the dog? Damn. Dog's all bloody. Oh, shit. Dog is fucked up. Whoa, he squared up to him?

Yo, he said, yo. This is exactly how it is. And that's it? No, no, no, no, no. Oh, the poor dog. Look how fucked up the dog is. Neck all chopped up. I know.

Oh, boy. And watch the kangaroo. He gets hit. That kangaroo. Oh, neck all chopped up. I know. Oh, boy. And watch the kangaroo. That kangaroo's like, I'm from Detroit. Right, no, he... Oh. What, bitch? Oh, he said, oh, you... He turned his back to him, too.

He was not scared. Oh, yeah, but he looked like he about to come back. Oh, man, that was my boxing class today. I've been trying to execute that move but you know what it is you know where he fucked up you supposed to punch and then retract immediately that's true that if he was if the kangaroo was going to come back wow wide open and get punched yeah but you're supposed to punch like this and come back bro and he could have hit him with a left too and that kangaroo just sat there and took it? Or is this the part in white man's

history where y'all end it? Because that's the last punch he got in. And then after that is the kangaroo grilling this nigga's ass down to the ground. Because I want to see after this. Why it stop right there? The kangaroo that had a response to that? That's a good point.

That's a lie. That must be so confusing Why it stop right there? The kangaroo didn't have a response to that? That's a good point. That's a lie. That must be so confusing to punch a kangaroo. You train as a human. You're like, you know, maybe get in a schoolyard fight. You know how to punch a human. You see a kangaroo. I'm like, pardon me, but maybe you kick it.

You throw like a little fucking. Sam, it stood up. I know. kick it you throw like a little fucking it stood up i know your initial reaction to a person doing a whatever entity if a car stood up to me like that i punched that car in the face it's the adrenaline yeah why are you at my level come on bro yeah it boxed it squared up i mean they don't have a box kangaroos the pictures of the jack kangaroos? Oh, they're hot. They're insane. Oh, wow. They're fucking frightening. That's cute.

Oh, look at the little eyeball brows on him. That's adorable. Little eyelashes. That's a joey, they call that. Yeah. Damn, yeah, they're ripped. Oh, they fight each other. See, they practice.

But they can stand on their tails and kick forward. What? Oh, shit, that other. See, they practice. But they can stand on their tails and kick forward. What? Oh, shit, that's what I mean. Right in the pouch. Damn, we need some more kangaroo video games. That's a fun animal to control. Oh, that's got to hurt. And he was on his tail.

Imagine you could just get your tail. I haven't been able to do a complete burpee without a problem. Oh, my God. Look at that shit. And they fighting over a bitch, too. That's how they get down. Yeah. And the little one looking, because he's like, in a couple years, I'm going to have to whip

this nigga ass for the woman. Oh, yeah. This is Jerry Springer. Look at that. Do he have one leg? Or what's going on with the other leg? He's walking like a 78-year-old Jew I saw on 6th Avenue, hunched over. Oh, my God.

You know what I want to see? Can you type in little black kids with raccoon? Oh, shit. I can't wait for y'all to see this. Yamanika is bringing some good Google searches this time. I know. I can't wait. This is all y'all need from me.

Bring it on. Please. Yes. You got to do audio, too. You got to do. All right. You know what go go to the hood clip

because even though it's shorter the short one turn it up okay you got a kid in the neighborhood with a raccoon under her arm you gotta start from the beginning with this they gotta hear

look how she holding a raccoon like it's a newborn baby. I'm telling you. These kids. Fuck Steve Irwin. This little black girl right here. I mean, may he rest in peace. Okay, I forgot he was not here. A raccoon. What is the raccoon doing?

His mama. Look at the raccoon. He's scared of the little girl over there. Wow. He's scared of the little girl over there. Wow. Oh, wow. Y'all better be careful because if the mama raccoon sees that, she's going to attack y'all.

They know where the mama raccoon lives. Oh, God. They took a blood test. Holy shit. Wait. Look at. That's another one. Okay.

Oh, my God. That little girl, she did her own show on Animal Planet. Yes. Why doesn't she have a raccoon? You ever tried to touch a raccoon? Oh, my God. Are you kidding? Have I ever tried to touch a raccoon? They're vicious.. Are you kidding? Have I ever tried to touch a raccoon?

They're vicious. They are. They got little claws. She about to pick the second one up. They about to have two raccoons. Look at that. She grabbed a raccoon. Oh, my God.

Come on, bro. This woman's a pro. And the... Jesus Christ. What? Where's it got to be? The South? No, them niggas is in New Jersey.

I think they like in Philly or some shit like that. What? I thought they was too. I thought they was also in the South. Look how the one raccoon. I'm blown away by this. That girl is so in control. Right, he like, help me. The raccoon, no, them kids.

Wow. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. They need a cell phone. I never say this about a kid, but give that kid a fucking iPad. Jesus. Ow! Oh my God. They are so, listen, I want them kids to be discovered because first of all, they so damn

adorable. But it's like, have you ever seen, show raccoons at they nature. I don't think y'all understand how raccoons get down. Because raccoons is cute and shit, right? Yeah. You see a raccoon, one tried to jump me in Central Park. What? I'm telling y'all.

They have like little fingers. Oh, yeah. They got a, you think a cat. Look, look, look, look. And they racist too, because instantly they hate the white girl. Yeah. Because you see they didn't do that to the little black girl. Look at that.

Oh, fuck. Oh, he ripping her apart. Oh, shit. Oh, no. And she got on them LA Gears. You know they hate LA Gears. Oh, look at the mama had to get a ball. Oh, shit.

He's still. A mom will save any daughter. Yeah, she's like, get in the house, bitch. I'm trying to get doing something here. Get in the house, you idiot. Look at that raccoon. He's still fighting. Oh, yeah.

Kick it. Punt it like a football. It's like a piece of toilet paper stuck to your foot. Jeez, the cleaners on this lady. Look at it. Wow, that's a great mom.

He's a rabbit raccoon. Damn, my mom would have felt this. Oh, shit. That's all she could do. Oh, man. It came back? Oh, no, that was the beginning again. It's all she could do. Oh, man. It came back? Oh, no, that was the beginning again.

It's a replay. Damn. I was like, man, that's a feisty animal. Every time I see you, bitch, it's on site. See? It's a shame that America's Funniest Videos is gone, because that would have cleaned up. But you know what?

They would have never put that on there, because they don't want to see no violence. That was what was wrong with you. I know, but that would have been fun if you do like four light ones in a row, and then out of nowhere it's just a raccoon eating a child's face with the sound effects. Can you type in, let me just go through my Instagram history. Oh, here we go.

Let's say this is the Yamanika show and merged in here. You might be drunk, or it might be, and you might be Yamanika. You might be drunk or it might be you might be yamanika you might be a red can you type in woman wins lottery 43 million dollars and they give the bitch a steak dinner because they told her some nonsense that's a long google i'm talking to what right well you're supposed to put give the bitch yeah there we go there you go tape it in good steak dinner i gotta go to my save I was just reading this woman this bitch yes is that her I don't know

that's Bobby Lee a lot of things came up here okay here we go New York resident wins nearly 43 million at a slot machine and takes home nothing as casino claims it was a malfunction offers steak dinner instead is this it i think he's talking

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and the new version 2 Fume to help kickstart your positive habits. That's tryfume, F-U-M,.com and use code DRUNK to save an additional 10% off. What? That's fucked up. Okay, let's pause that right there. I want everybody to take on it before I give my take. Wait a minute.

What you gonna do? What y'all doing? This is illegal. They can't say a malfunction machine. Give them the money. Listen, listen, stop thinking like a white man, okay? Because they be doing all kinds of shit to black people. You know, that's how we got here in the first place. They say, oh, y'all want to cruise somewhere?

We say, yeah, we got here. No fucking cruise. No destination. No hottie-totties. No pina coladas. No nothing. Yeah, but 43 million is way better than a cruise. That was slavery.

But first of all, y'all said that's unfair, right? Yes. Illegal. Yes. You use a lot of terms that they not gonna allow her to use because they're gonna try to play this black woman she can't go to legal right route she got to go murder somebody over there you know what i'm saying like now look how she crying i wouldn't even be crying 43 for 43 million dollars i fuck your steak dinner. I'm not even leaving this place. Yep. I live here now. This is most of my home.

And so I recoup $43 million. That's your sitcom, by the way. You just living in the sitcom and you're always mad at them? It's like the terminal, but at a casino. That's good. It writes itself every day. We'll call it Don't Slot Shame. All right. That's good. It writes itself. Every day. We'll call it Don't Slot Shame. All right.

That's so embarrassing. You know what's so embarrassing? I remember I was a little kid. I've told this before. And I was at Disneyland. Which one is in Florida? Disney World. World.

Disney World. Right. The world's in Florida. Lynn's in California. Yes. Anaheim. I was at Disney World. I was at Disney World.

My grandmother kept saying, you know how they had the Electric Street Parade? Oh, yeah. Right? So after you go see Minnie and them and Daffy and them, you go out there and have a little parade. My grandma said, get involved in the parade. I said, I can't. They told all the kids you can't get involved. I said, I can't get involved. She said, no, get up there. And she wound up pushing

me up there with Snow White and then security. The witch is coming. I came. get up there and she wound up pushing me up there with snow white and then um security the witch is coming i came and i was because i made up on one of the little trolleys too quick with the heave ho it's the eighth dwarf sassy first of all mark the next time i see you on the streets without cameras you and i are fighting immediately did you say say that? Abe Dwarf sassy. You were kidding. On sight,

I'm going to warm your ribs up right off camera. Don't raccoon me. Yo, I hate you so much. On sight. It's about to be on sight. All right. They took me off the trolley

and I got embarrassed in front of everybody because, and I told my grandmother, my grandmother said, you should have went up there. I said, up there i said i told you they said don't and then we got some type of thing where i had to like go just fill out some paperwork to make sure i wasn't trying to do something to snow white or something like that it was an

assassination attempt i'm seven i know right i might have been a little bit bigger than that but um how old were you i probably was like 10 oh okay you know what i mean yeah you know i got breasts of like nine and a half so i look like a you know i probably look like a bitch trying to steal some shit but um yeah that was embarrassing that's about equivocal to this this woman first of all her name is bookman her last name bookman bitch you better book a hotel room in there damn so how did it end i mean she got to sue you got to sue these people no because there's always some shit like i think they just be putting shit in the black women's

account because it was another black woman that woke up to like uh 40 million dollars in her bank account and they was like oops we put it in the wrong account you got to give it back oh no bitch finders keepers losers do what figure it out this is it right here i guess so what how is it very clear stop stop stop stop. Did they just put this black woman's face on a white one? What in the fuck is going on here? I will say this. There are not a lot of black heist casino movies. That's true. Things do seem to...

Ocean's Eleven, everything just fits perfectly. This is a black woman. And then, you know, they go, this would be a bad movie. We're like, unfortunately, we have to take it back. Yeah. That's it nah they would kick it in script are these visuals going to be shown okay because i need everybody to get involved in how lazy this was it took more time to crop her face to this portion did it they could

have found something else at this we didn't need this this is on a white body there and when they keep saying bookman version like she got some different version of reality did she lose 43 million dollars or not when she swindled out of 43 fucking million dollars because i seem like that's everybody version yeah how do they justify this joe list Joe List. Mm-hmm. There we go. Where the hell is that?

Queens? Pause it, pause it, pause it. When your lawyer look like this, like this heavy ass receding hairline, but he's still got a little bit of dust in the middle, you're going to win your case or you're going to epically lose it. It ain't no like we coming back. It's like he already fell hard. Bitch, you about to own a casino and it's about to be called Bookman's.

Okay? Come down to Bookman's. All the machines work. You can't claim a machine is broken because you want it to be broken. Does that mean it wasn't inspected? down to Bookman's. All the machines work. Aha! Get him! Wow. Resorts world good point pause it now let's say i go in there and i get i push a button and it comes up Good point. Machines run 24-7, and the possibility of them breaking down is too large for preventative measures.

Pause it. Now, let's say I go in there, and I push a button, and it comes up zero. Can I go, hey, the machine's broken? It only is broken in their favor. It's never broken in our favor. Right. Think about how often you go to the gym, and a machine's out of order or something, or you go to an arcade out of order. Yeah.

This must happen. You don't hear about it, but it must happen. True. But not in the tune of $43 million. I'm with you there. Yeah. That's the problem. And they would give me my...

I wouldn't give a damn if it was broken. I don't care if your grandmother installed it and she forgot to put a hearing aid in to balance off all the baubles in there. I want my 43 million when it said 43 million dollars that's what it said it's a casino nigga this ain't no uh fairy tale land this ain't candy land this ain't oh come on down a bit you breast deal. This is a casino? No. They put the no in casino. Okay, right.

But you better call it a casino, yes. Because I better get my $43 million. I mean, I'm going to tear everybody to shreds. She lost the case so badly, she's now a waitress at the casino. Serving steak. They don't have the money. That's what it's about. Because if they was doing, what's $43 million? I would have told shit shit to them too oh what's 43 million dollars y'all y'all must be

losing then you mean you ain't got 43 million dollars laying around here yeah i mean the casinos they do have that kind of oh they got money they legally have to be able to keep cash on deck to pay out any possible winnings that night. Hard paper. Actually, promotion's 11. There you go. Or 12 or something. And I wanna see the security cam footage of her getting told no. That's what I wanna see.

I wanna see the back and forth between. Yes. And I hope there's no words that we gotta interpret it. I want earrings coming off, I want a shoe in hand. All of that, a thing of Vaseline showing up. Yeah. Ding, ding. A thing of Vaseline showing up. Yeah. Ding, ding. Every time, every clip of him, his hair get less and less.

Is that him when he was young? That's him. No, stop. Wait, wait. Has this case been going on since this nigga look like this? We got Robert Shivel. No. Yes.

That's my point. Oh, stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Printing cash ticket. Bitch, did you get a ticket that said $42,949,672.76? Because, bitch, if you got a ticket that said that, kaboom! Yes, no tiki, no laundry. Oh, you better.

First of all, she too calm in that picture. If I just want $42 million, my whole dog, let me tell you something, child, I'd be kissing this. My lipstick would have been all over the screen. Tongue, everything. I'm telling you, she's too calm. Like, she'd just be winning $42 million a day

all the time. And she'd just look at me again winning $42 million. Girl, it ain't a thing. Yeah, ticket's a ticket. If you have that ticket in your hand, that's it. At the arcades now for the kids, they do away with the tickets. It's all in that card. Ah, I don't like the card.

Oh, yeah, I don't like that card either. That card, because it starts taking money off of you. Uh-huh. Yeah, I want that role. This lady said she type in 50. No, wait, we got to hear the end of this. Yeah, I need to know how it ended, because I'm worried she got fucked.

I seemingly knew that his client would never win that. Oh! She told interviewers she was glad she'd get the max payout that her machine could give. Here, here. $500. No! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. He's already failing.

Yeah. Let me tell you something. $43 million to $6,500? Big drop. Let me tell you something. tell you something any woman whose teeth curve like that at the bottom is not trying to get $6,500 or nothing you hear me I can guarantee you the words get right come out of her mouth is I want my 42 million dollars this clown told me he could get it for me. He said he was out here suing this one and suing that one. And now I don't even have enough to get my hair braided at the end.

I know. How much does this lawyer cost? Oh, you know he's in it for the money. She got to pay him. $6,500. Yeah, exactly. What about, yeah, what did she get here? I want to see.

I agreed with him and I hope this would be the least she was a word. Oh, no, pause it. Pause it. oh no pause it you know she didn't say that that's why they did a voiceover you know she did not say well that woman was in the camera going does anybody know another lawyer

that I'm tired of coming in to his office looking at these raggedy degrees that couldn't get me my $42 million. I don't understand what work. They just be playing black people all the time. Mark said it's illegal. Yes. And they would have immediately gave you $42 million. They would have immediately gave you $42 million.

They're going to go back and forth with this black woman about $42 million because she don't have a team of people behind her that's going to get this $42 million. But she needs to do her own Ocean's Eleven. Oh, yeah. Get that money back. And I hope this hurt the casino because I'm not going in there now knowing they got faulty machines and they're going to take my money. Mark, they just put in an offer for us to co-headline. I'll be there.

$6,500. $6,500 each's there all the oh let me tell you something all the people from january 6th said oh we're going to that casino that's been robbing black people yeah they're gonna go there it's a january 6th casino now it's in new york city but it's got to be in deep queens i assume oh is it is it the one that's in our queens i assume but it's got to be in Deep Queens, I assume. Oh, is it the one that's in Queens? I assume, because it says New York City. I've been to that one. It's a New York resident. She's a New York resident, but is it in New York? I swear on the sign, it said, give me a goog on the address there, Maddie.

I know where we should film the next episode. Oh, yeah, at the slots. I want to be there, and I want to win $42 million so y'all can get witness of me going crazy. It's in New York City, wow. Give me a Queens. What is that? Oh, they definitely ain't got no money. Jamaica. I knew it. Nah.

She better call some of them Rastafarians out there and get the word. A bunch of people with machetes walking. Yeah, all of that. Slicing off dealers' hands. Yeah, everybody. Call anybody. I would get everybody together. What kind of grid line is this?

Oh, wow. You got the street view. Is that the street where the casino is? No wonder they don't have that kind of money. Why are they in an industrial residential neighborhood like that? Yeah. Apparently, after 6,500, they went down to one bacon, egg, and cheese. They could pay her from the nearby burger.

There it is. There it is. They didn't even want to give her the $6,500. Wow. I like that we have this Google view, doesn't it? It feels like we could pull off a heist when you have all this shit. Oh, totally.

They definitely ain't got no money over there. Ain't nobody, them roads look like they barely ran. Yeah. That's not a casino you go to in a good place wait does that say applebee's on the ground go to your right i thought it said applebee's too oh aqua duck oh it's right by the racetrack so that's out by the airport well somebody would give me my money it's either them or the horses somebody every every time i wouldn't get my money every

day a horse would turn right into glue you ever done the horse bets i've done it i don't how do you bet on horses the race they race you know i know you bet on horses on the race but how can you tell which one of them ain't stupid they can't that's how can you tell which uh driver ain't stupid if you i don't know it's it's fun you can tell which one well and when nascar the dumber they are the better that you drive because their brains don't tell them that they got to stop with these turns. But the race car or the racetrack or the car. One of the horses ran off.

I was in Kentucky at the Keeneland, and one of the horses just ran off before. So they had to disqualify it. So anyone who bet on it, you got your money back. How did the horse run off? When was the person that was on it? He was on it. Or he wasn't on it yet, and the horse ran off.

They had to get him. Did they get it? Yeah, they got him. Oh, okay. And what happened to him? Because you know they be murdering these horses when they get broke. Oh, yeah.

They make glue out of them. Not a good life. No. But that horse even goes for top dollar. That's true. The studs. But the way you goes for top dollar. That's true. The studs. But the way you got to get it is, you know. I heard it has less lactic acid.

Yeah. You don't swallow that one. You just shoot it on your chest. Oh, boy. I shoot it on my calf. I want to know what happened. I'm intrigued. Yeah, I guess she didn't get it. Those involved know what they agreed on. Katrina got her money, but the casino just shoved her to the side.

If she didn't get some kind of satisfactory compensation, we imagine she'd be very vocal. Ah, poor lady. They settled and had to keep it quiet, so scammers won't try to use it as a loophole to rip off the casino. This definitely isn't the first or the last time malfunctioning... Uh-huh. ...fair malice... Okay, it's a honky. Equal opportunity scamming here.

He had won $58 million. Oh! Even more. That sweater vest is a problem. What is going on with this place? It would have also been breaking the law. It's a sham. Mmm.

What? Uh-oh. That guy was at the Capitol. He looked... He hit it big when the wheels hit the jackpot and his machine told him his prize was four hundred thousand eight hundred and ninety five dollars Unfortunately a jamming error caused the machine to roll its wheels back. What the fuck? The malfunction made it seem like Joe won the jackpot, but it only counts if it were part of the machine's random number That's horseshit. That's horseshit.

How you supposed to verify that kind of shit? There's a malfunction. You're not ready. No, fuck that. I mean, that's why slot machines are bullshit, because they're programmed not to let the person win. I know. You got to go cards.

Like, you play cards, you can see what the dealer's hand is or whatever, but with a computer, like, it can just tell you to fuck off every time. That's why I don't play them. I play them all the time i got the one i don't want to sound racist because it's not racist but the little chinese man with the hat oh yeah the one you know what you want with the chinese man but oh fun do yeah no not fun do is it called fun do sing one or something like that but i don't know i was doing a callback like i just want to tell the chinese community i'm not being racist but i'm surprised the slot machine is still going

because he got the little yeah, he looks so damn Chinese in this shit. It's like who let this shit still stand? And he got a panda next to him. It's almost like nobody got on top of this with the cancel culture. He don't need to look like that. I mean, we done

already changed Aunt Jemima into some different shit. Gave her a perm and let her become a lawyer. What happened to Aunt Jemima? What is it now? They pulled her off the shelf. Aunt Uncle Ben, too. Dr. Jemima. It's called, what's the name of the place?

It's called whatever the company's called. Something Bookman, I think, now. She bought the syrup game. What are they? Pearl Milling Company. Yeah, that's what it's called now. What are they? Pearl Milling Company. Yeah, that's what it's called now. What about Uncle Ben? He's out.

He's out. Uncle Ben is out. First of all, ain't nobody eating rice no more. Oh, my God. This is what I tried to get one time. I won so much money on this shit. And then the thing about this is it gets you. It knows when you're new because I think it reads your retinas.

Whoa. And so when you sit down within the first... It knows when you're new because I think it reads your retinas. Whoa. And so when you sit down within the first about hour, if you sit for an hour, you're going to win at least a thou. Okay. But then you get that monkey on your back.

Yep, yep, yep. And then you go chasing it and then you're going to wind up being in the hole. I see. You don't win three Ks in a row either. I mean, for sure.

But sometimes it comes up a lot when I'm sitting there. There it is. Holy shit. Well, I don't play slots now. I'm done with slots. I'm going right to the blackjack. Yeah, I usually play blackjacks in my game usually.

I get embarrassed because I always have to – I'm not good at math. You know what I mean? I'm not a fast math person to do math in my head, so I'm always like counting and stuff and i and i think that that's embarrassing right to be like a grown person going i don't know six that ain't not that you know yeah yeah how many can i but i like that they give you information um you can ask them you know like should i hit should i not they'll say oh yeah they'll give you a little hey you should hit you shouldn't you know blah blah blah so I like that that they being more generous that's true helpful

but then they kind of know they got a mark yeah I mean but they also win they win when like because tipping culture right you tip them out of chip when you win right yeah the more you win like as long as they don't go overboard that overboard, they get some cash from you too. Yeah, I don't think they're invested. I don't think they feel good when you're drunk at the table. Like, you're fucking cheating. You're fucking cheating, dude.

Right, right, right, right, right. I think they're happier when you're happier, probably. Yeah. Yeah, true. It's always the worst when you're sitting at that table with some guy who's like a diehard

and you can't make jokes and he just sneers at you the whole time old guy sunglasses yes like calm down dude exactly it ain't the poker table you don't need to fucking psych anybody out right hey right we're in reno take it easy reno i get it all right i'm i'm not a big casino guy i don't love them i feel they make me sad dirty they seem dirty yeah the. The old lady on the respirator who's smoking, the guy with the limp, the camo hats. It's a bummer. You spend too many days there and you don't see sunlight. And it's like, where are you going to go?

That's the problem. When you're doing one of those gigs and you're there. I mean, I remember early on. I remember doing those Reno gigs. It'd be like Tuesday through Sunday. Oh, yeah. Am I here for a fucking week? Yeah.

Yeah. He spent a pack a day standing in that building. It's not like you can. And people are like, my mom would be like, take a walk. I'm like, in downtown Reno? Right, right. Where are you going to go? It's true.

Where do you go? They were ahead of the curve with the meth stuff. They were doing that shit years ago. Oh, yeah. Give them credit where credit's due. Yeah, no, they were progressive town. Drugs, you know, when people are on drugs and drugs and you know having all kinds of problems and stuff the first thing they do is they try to go somewhere and play the lotto to get out of

their problems or go to a casino but it's like listen you know you already being cursed i don't i don't know why you thought your luck was gonna be at the casino you don't have no luck you need to go somewhere you need to go to maybe DeVry and start from scratch. You know what I mean? And they sit there for hours and just throw their whole savings away. It's so sad. I had one of my relatives. I can't say which one.

And even saying this is too much, but one of my relatives had a bingo addiction. And almost lost everything to bingo. Damn. That is a funny one to have. That's an 80s addiction. My nephew everything to duck duck goose it was terrible it was uh awful but cheesy oh man yeah but bingo was big was big back in the day oh yeah in the 80s the people was losing and they got addicted to bingo and it was sad and we had you know it was a lot of but you know i feel bad for people when they have

addictions it's sort of out of their control yep um because if you have an addictive personality once you get into something that like gives you that sensation of just being alive and all this stuff you keep trying to chase this thing it becomes a real problem. So I really think we need to focus more on trying to rehabilitate people with addictions instead of like people have shopping addictions. Yes. You know, some things people have addictions who people make fun of them for.

And it's like, but the underlying of it all is that there's an addiction there that is problematic. Trying to fill a hole. People do have a shopping addiction. And to all those people, I say bodegacatwhis we're not feed that addiction two for the price of one shopping and alcohol oh yeah here here yeah booze is our vice yeah could be worse out shopping addiction is a tough one because it's like you booze at least a bar has got to be open you know what i mean the internet hurts i guess you could have alcohol at home but the internet's like you could

be on the fucking train you're just like amazon you know what i mean it's also that the computer now is clocking you right and throwing shit at you right oh of course i needed some um opet tights i'm a thick woman so i gotta go to a thick woman's store to look for opec tights opec tights i went to tour it look for some opec tights now every time i go to my computer tights is everywhere you see what i'm saying because I didn't make the purchase. Now they're like, we got to hustle this bitch down till she go make these tights. And then if I go buy the tights, they're going to offer me something else. Or let me tell you how Alexa is getting in your business.

Uh-oh. This was like a month ago. I forget what she said. I have something to tell you or some shit like that. Or do you want to hear some shit about your account or some shit? Something she said. And I said, yes. She said, hey, you got to go get them makeup sponges.

You should be running out of makeup sponges. Whoa. And she was right. I was out of the makeup sponges. I said, oh, my God. So now Alexa's clocking your needs. Damn. It's too much. You know what's crazy?

I did 23andMe, and it gives you your ethnic background, but it also knows shit about you that's incredible. It's like with your makeup, you would prefer savory over sweet, and I was like, wow, that's true about me. Is that right? One of them was like body hair, and it was like you have a little bit of body hair at like the tip of your back and i was like you fucking nailed it that's all in 23 and me yeah i'm not doing it i got one

called paw base for my cats because i want to see what their makeup is i get it i'm going to just call paw base and i i've been toying with it because i don't know once they can get my information from my cat's information. But yeah, that's the little kit. Oh, that's cute. And you can get, you know, you're supposed to take it in, so it gives you a whole run down. This country's great. Yeah, that's why the terrorists hate us.

There are people starving the world. We're like, I want to know my cat's story. Well, you know, because I also want to know as they get older what could be that, you know, keep them out of certain whatever things and this and that. So, yeah, you know, because I also want to know as they get older, what could be to keep them out of certain whatever things and this and that. So, yeah, you know. Look at how cute he is yawning with his little glasses and sweater on.

That's terrifying. This is the cute... You know what kind of a great photographer you gotta be to get this moment? That's true. Or just a sad cat lady. I did the 23andMe and it just said half gay. I was going to say, with the whole...

Oh, I was going to tell you. Can you tell your kinks or whatever? Oh, sure, yeah. Mine said, likes when you tickle your balls two or three times, but four times is too many.

I was like, wow, that's pretty good. Stop. I want to say something here also. Yeah, yeah. Somebody was saying, we said cat lady, right? Sad cat lady. And I have a cat. I'm a cat lover. lady, right? Said cat lady.

And I have a cat. I'm a cat lover. Oh, let me see your cat. Oh, baby. Because you know I got my two. I'll show you mine. So now, cat, somebody said. I'm really the odd man out on every one of these podcasts.

Now that Mark's married too, it's like married, pet. Oh, my God. Oh, it's a Maine Coon. What? Yeah, it's a Maine Coon. What? Yeah, it's huge. Was he at the wedding? No, that's just a picture on our roof. That's a cute pet.

It's a beautiful cat. He go outside like that. Was he on a leash? Oh, leash. He hates outside. He's a big wuss. Yeah, they don't want to be outside. My trainer just got a cat.

Shout out to Naima. I love her. She trying to teach this nigga to go to the bathroom on the toilet and i'm like come on like you know let the cat be but anyway it's no sadder person on earth than a bitch that owns a pig that lives in new york city my friend said he went out on a date with a woman that had a pig i said don't ever try to embarrass me for having two cats and saying i'm lonely and desperate. And there's a bitch out here with a pig in an apartment.

Pigs should never even be in an apartment. Pigs need to be outside. At least if it doesn't go well, you can eat it. You can't eat your cat, I'm just saying, if things don't go well. You can't eat your cat, but your cats will eat you if something happens. That's true. A long time ago on this podcast we took a long time

shitting on people who owned ferrets and I don't think we've ever gotten more hate. Really? People were like fuck you I own a ferret and we're like

gee I thought we were just having fun here. A lot of people own ferrets and these lab rats. They love a lab rat. Really? You don't like rats? There's a lot of rats

in the street in New York right now and I've never been like you know what I want? That dude inside. You type in grandma prank with rats. I want you to see these fools, what they did to their grandmother with the rats.

Yeah, let me just say this. You should take over for Daniel Tosh on Comedy Central. We've got so many of these locked and loaded. Yum.0. Locked and loaded. Yeah, here we go. Look how he shook the bread I would be the same way

I don't flavor He shook the bread It was french fries Well, we found your mima Can you behave? This is insane That's terrifying This poor woman Horrible shit is funny Can you behave? This is insane. That's terrifying.

This poor woman. Horrible shit is funny. Of course, the fear. Every time you see genuine fear, it's comedy gold. That is horrible. These kids should be... It's in her hair. I gotta find something that's gonna really make y'all giggle if y'all think this shit...

I mean, this is gold. You're killing it with the clips. I mean, just the whole act of shaking it like it's a bag of chips and just- That's what I'm saying. You just shake that shit on your grandmother. Some of these kids really- Look at her. She's-

Do it one more time. She's holding the containers. Oh, this poor lady. The reaction is so good. It's so good. There's no way that your family should be doing nothing like that. She could have had a massive stroke. She might have.

Yeah, you're right. She could have had a stroke. She threw him back out. These animals aren't having a great time either. Ah, good point. Good point. Yeah. Oh, man.

This is so fucking funny. So funny. And she's trying to get out with the seatbelt. Oh, man. First this lady gets fucked in the slots, and now here. This is like the epitome of like, I would be so mad if someone did this to me. But you see it happening to someone else, and it is fucking great. Yeah.

Yeah, I got to come back for it. You know what? The next time I come back, I'm going to come back locked and loaded. We're just going to do a whole. Because I got a bunch of these. We could be giggling and laughing. I'll get an edible going. Actually, I got a little bit of something here.

Oh, baby. You want some? Yeah. They help me sleep. One of them I don't now. You got to read the packaging. You guys really have balls. I don't have the balls to do this.

No, this came from somebody else. So this is an alternative one. But get you one of the little. You sure? I don't want to take your stuff. No, yeah, the balls to do this. No, this came from somebody else, so this is an alternative one. You sure? I don't want to take your stuff. No, yeah, I got plenty of these. Oh, thanks. But look, you might only be able to do the head. The head?

Oh, like that. No, this is a lie. I'm going to get super high with this. Here, I'll just take a... It's a gummy. Gummy bear. Yeah. Oh, thanks.

Is that too much? That's pretty... How many milligrams? Well, I don't take the whole one. So, like, you see this? One of the legs is this. And the middle body is that much. And then the head is like 25.

That's a lot. I usually take 10. So this is going to knock me on my ass. You're going to have a good time with that. Plus the flavor. Oh, boy. I'm excited. I like how you can't eat cilantro, but you'll eat weed.

I definitely will, champ. And that's why my house, I had the munchies so bad the other day. I was so high. I had the munchies. And my whole, my refrigerator, everything is clean because I'm not doing resolutions anymore. But I decided, I said, I want to start getting into a whole food, plant-based, this and that. So I'm slowly getting all the meat out of my freezer so i'm just like i had some chicken um i made this beautiful uh like a stripped chicken

right so i had a chicken breast i seasoned up nice everything i baked it the whole thing then i had some collard greens i had some kale i had spinach put that in there a little bit of onions shredded up that chicken put that and made a nice little stew with some chicken broth in it so i've been eating that so now as i move forward i'm going to try to get rid of the chicken of it but then i can keep that sort of like kind of stew thing going so it's just been really great you know with the seasons and all that so trying to do that is something that you have to think about yeah as comics sometimes we don't have discipline no we just want to go on stage we just want to make you laugh and then everything else outside of that world is dysfunctional

as fuck and as i'm getting older i'm like wow i've been dysfunctional my entire life um you know comedians are very smart um we're we have the ability to be very manipulative also right maybe not in a bad way but in a way of you know definitely trying to get those laughs out we know your vibe we can feel you the whole thing and i just said as i'm getting older i just not. Like, I have friends who wake up in the morning and they're like, oh, I have a list, a checklist. Right, right. Oh, I did this. This is, this is, this. I thought, I said, oh, my God, I don't know how long my cats are going to live now that they, one of them got to take pills all the time.

I'm like, I barely remember to take vitamins. So then I put, like, little notifications. Like, I'm a notification bitch now. Like, oh, there's pills at this time, pills at that time you have to train that's how i lost my cat actually is it you didn't take the pills painkiller addiction he overdosed is that real no i was kidding you know i believe everything you'll store sam so but to dedicate yourself to be someone like that. He was on Percocet? Yeah, it was a cat pill joke. You know I'm going to stop for a good joke now.

I appreciate it. Thank you. Y'all think everything we're saying is sincere. I do feel like a better. I didn't like that, though. You say comics are manipulative, but I watched that. The person dumped the mice on his grandma. I'm like, i've never done that

in a negative way like you know like some people are manipulative like conniving and cunning and stuff yeah i mean when we get on stage obviously and that's why um having so many years of practice not that somebody can't be good right away but taking being good and then also adding years of practice to it you know how to get into an audience you know okay this little spot here let me do this i know what you need over here i know what you need there it's you know is we we focus on those things so a lot of times on the outside of your life We focus on those things. So a lot of times on the outside of your life, everything else could just be being held together. Right.

I made it through school. I was smart. It was easy. I bullshitted my way through everything. I was able to be on his list and all this other shit. Because just because I'm smart, I retain information right away. But it doesn't mean I was really like a collegiate student. You know what i mean like an

intellectual like i just bullshitted my way through that right i think there's a lot of things that we sort of as comics sometimes we just bullshit we can we can make it through this i can go to a party and be charming enough i'm not you know i may not actually be an extrovert but i can go there and be charming i can be the so now i want to be the person that like really has a thing that i do outside of comedy all right i have my list oh i'm gonna go to the farmer's market right oh i'm worried about my health bedtime like none of these things have i ever had in my life to be a function and the people who are my friends i grew up with all have these functional lives and a little bit of me wants like a little bit of function.

But I agree and we're getting older and we need to have shit like that and we need a little stability because we're all wild horses running around. But you don't want to lose your edge either. That's true. I mean, that's true. I don't think you ever could.

I don't know. I'm maybe losing a little bit of my edge. You know what you need to do? You got to get more pet mice. Yes. That would be good for you. Hold on. Yeah.

This whole place would collapse. If you had pulled out a fucking rat, I'm telling you, I would disappear. No, you got to, but you find a different um you know what somebody said now i'm supposed to be on um i'm sure this is breaking news because not everybody knows this i'm supposed to be on antidepressants you're supposed to be so yes i'm supposed to be on antidepressants so i'm gonna wait to get the antidepressants because i really don't need i you know she said i don't you know like i need them but i'm like you know what I mean let me just see so because I

don't like to pop pills you know what I mean so anyway I was reading all these things about the antidepressants that I'm going to be on and videos and people like oh this changed my world my life blah blah blah and one of the things I kept saying was like well I don't know if I want to be on antidepressants because

I don't want to lose there's a little bit of a creep in me saying was like, well, I don't know if I want to be on antidepressants because I don't want to lose. There's a little bit of a creep in me, you know, like that creep creature that's there that's like up for anything. We say anything. We have fun. And sometimes that does that kind of edge can get people in trouble. Right. Because you say anything. You say anything.

And then after you go, oh, I didn't mean it like that. I should have said that or whatever but i was just having fun you know you want to find a way to quiet that just a little bit or at least have that person that little creep inside you think a little bit yeah and then maybe if we let him think or her think or they think a little bit maybe the thought would be a little more developed. You understand? Because a lot of times people go, oh, no, I have no filter. That's why it's so this and that.

But it's like maybe if you put a little bit of cap on that thing inside you and it had time to really go deeper into what it was thinking about, maybe it would come up with something even more brilliant. So I want to find those spaces. more brilliant so I want to find those spaces and I want to do that now because people are getting older now and they really killing it as they getting older yeah I'm following a lot of pages of women and men in their 60s and 70s they not even slowing down 70s going to school taking up a new hobby doing it like it's 70 like back in the day when you was 13 they was already like well where you gonna get your plot because you and your wife got to die by the time you're 21 nobody was living past 21 everybody get out of here so it's just those little things i want

people to think about like what do you as you get older where how do you want to see yourself what do you want to see what do you want people to to see? What do you want people to see about you? What do you want people to think about you, love about you? And you start doing those things. I want people to be like, you know what, Yam, she's very organized. And you know what, she always has some little thing, this, this, this, this. That's what I want. That's a great point.

I'm so funny. We just had Tom Segura on a little while ago. He told us he gets up at 8 with a trainer, trains for an hour, then he plays piano. Then he plays with his kids. He wrote a book. a book he does stand up he does his podcast wow and eats healthy doesn't drink and i was like holy shit because we romanticize these cocaine wild you know sex shit comedy doing the road getting crazy but there is a price to it and you're right with we're getting older but But there's something fun.

Like what if Richard Pryor said, you know what, I'm gonna go vegetarian and not drink. Maybe we wouldn't have some of that fun. We don't get the freebie story. He's dead, yeah. I mean, yeah, I mean, but he, you know, I think in my, like I still do my weed. I have my moments.

Yeah. But I think we just wanna have little moments. We don't want that to be. No, I'm with you you know i play mahjong i take long hot baths i listen to joan baez and that's about it for me no no of course not i drink and i'm a fucking loser what do you want from me you know what's so funny and and uh i'll say this right so i've been processing a lot of stuff everything that i went pro i was a person was like okay i don't want to deal with that.

I just go, whatever. I'm not going to process it. So I was processing something really heavy. You saw it the night that I was processing it. I know. We talked about it, yeah. And thank you for just being a lovely person. I mean, I can't thank you enough.

I feel sad when I see you sad. Well, and because people are not used to seeing me sad. Yeah. And I would always. I had a bag of mice. I was about to pour on you. And then i saw you look sad and i was like another day i guess i mean save it but i never let people see me say

and i always just be you know chew chew chewing through that shit no we usually were laughing together but i saw you there was a heaviness i could tell you were upset it was a process that i realized i had been taking on something somebody was saying something to me this isn't all about relationship but a little bit of part of it was about relationship and somebody said something to me early in the day that made me really sad and then i tried to like push other shit around it and put when um my mother was talking to me she says oh you know what are you gonna oh is your whole life gonna be comedy right you know she want grandkids with this is that i said well you know what are you gonna oh is your whole life gonna be comedy right you know she want grand kids with this isn't that i said well you know listen yeah my whole life since i was 16 has been nothing but comedy then when i think about it i go for the amount of flack i get from certain people

about why i don't have this relationship this is i've never had a functioning a real functioning relationship because i've never had a relationship that didn't be the convenience of being around comedy right yeah so i'm gonna fuck some comic i'm gonna deal with them full cut you know what i mean i've never put myself out there to be like oh there's a whole world of men that have nothing to do with comedy nothing to do with this world you say you regret what we had i mean not until that fought and then I think you know I gotta rethink things alright but no continue by the way when you pursue comics this is what you get

yes remember that you know when it's easy it's just it's just there but also are you bored do you go out with non-comics and you're just kind of bored is that part of it too I don't my problem is my first if a guy I have no i started

doing stand-up when i was 16 right that's all i missed my prom like i went to the first part of my prom and i had a spot i had to go somewhere like i almost missed my graduation like i wasn't fucking around i was very dedicated once i got into stand-up that i was doing stand-up so i didn't enjoy anything like i don't really remember my 20s because after that point everything was about that so when i look and i see friends of mine who are like some of them are married to people they've known you know scholar sweethearts and this isn't that i don't know i'm not if a guy tried to uh other than try to fuck me like if a guy tried to really be like hey you know i'm like what beat it i got shit to do and for women there is a thing where you go i don't have the luxury

to have a family and kids and shit right now because that shit's gonna slow me down that's why i like a lot of times female comics are like we're jealous of the male comics because you guys are gonna have a wife and she's gonna be like baking bread and shit zucchini fries and shit at home waiting for you to come wifting in from the road and darling and look at the kids that i'm here tending to it's like if i had if i got married and i had kids i gotta fucking worry about these kids yeah people like where the mama at and all this other shit and then i you know i i'm i can't be you know i love to beg i love to cook i love to do all those things i can't do that all the time in a relationship with a guy i can't be the woman

that's like oh here's your slippers even if i like to do those things even if i like to take care of a man i don't have the time to do that shit. I mean, I took off December. All of December, I said, I'm not going anywhere. I worked really, really hard. The next thing you know, I got booked on four different things and I had to fly out four different times in December.

It was like crazy. So it's like, I don't know. And I can't be telling people. And I can't. So it's all those things that sort of come to a head right who are you going to be what you're going to be you know I'm I'm sharing my own personal journey of what I'm going through but I hope that whoever's listening or whoever sees this finds a correlation with where they are and what they that everybody has to go through these sort of things where you kind of look up and you go what have i done what am i going to do sure and what do i think needs to be changed

in order to make sure that i have happiness you know because life gets short but life also can be long as shit if life ain't short oh yeah it's well it's hard to have it all i mean it's hard to have the career and and i get it female comics you know you do have to make it or entertainers or just women in that yeah you know you do have to make a choice and the clock is ticking it's really uh it's unfair it's a bummer it's only unfair when um you could adopt a pet rat yeah that would be pretty cool i could adopt children anyway the thing about it is when talking about fertility with women is a dicey thing because there's some women that's out here you know janet jackson wouldn't had a baby at 50 you know should you should you not i think the

only problem is fertility is a very personal thing so i'm not it ain't like i can't have no pain like and my shit ain't shut up you know what i mean i can you know have a pop out a baby my the window is obviously closing do i have time in the next two or three years to go ahead and pop this kid out probably not unless i make some type of sacrifice but at the same time i think women need gentleness from men not to be saying certain shit to women as they get older. If we all could agree not to be shitting on each other. Right. And men going, well, you're not viable.

You're not this because you can't have a baby. Some women don't want children. Some women can't have children no matter what age they're at. True. Putting these sort of like you got to be a wife mother combo on a woman to make a woman feel like she's a woman is the same as telling a man he has to be masculine or he has to be a father or a provider of this and that. It's like when we start to get into these little dicey areas, that's where people start to have their big issues on adjusting. And I was in the swing of that for a long time. As you get older, you're not adjusting to getting older well and

i've had people make me feel bad about getting older and now i'm at the point through healing and looking and what i want and all this where i'm just like hey you know what i'm such a i'm fucking yamanika okay it don't matter how fucking old i am it doesn't matter any under this stuff as long as i'm being a good person or and not impeding on other people's shit and and doing the best i can doesn't mean i'm not going to fail or have faults and just but as long as i'm out here doing me that's all i can do you know and that's all the validation i need you know and i want to make sure that i'm that for other people and not tearing down other people in in the ways that you know could be destructive to them yeah just being nice to other people is such a big part of it i mean like yeah

you're viable you don't have to have kids if everyone had kids it would be fucking annoying try getting on a flight to orlando there's too many fucking kids yeah oh facts i just said that i said when i was flying jet blue and they don't have a sky lounge i um they gotta work on that but then they just lost spirit so i don't think it's getting any better yeah right all i saw was families it's like where the fuck you going as a family oh why would why do you have to travel if you're a family all the niggas you know is in your house stay there who are you going to go meet up with? Another family?

And be even more of a family somewhere? And especially for me, I never traveled. I never went to Disneyland. My parents never took me anywhere. So I see these kids in business class, and I'm like, what the fuck is this? Oh, my God. There was a baby in first class, and I was like, fuck this kid. What a waste of a seat.

I know. That's two grand for something. Although I did eat his meal. I hope so. He took his bottle. But no, it's, yeah, I heard Spirit doesn't two grand for something. Although I did eat his meal. I hope so. He took his bottle. But no, it's, yeah, I heard Spirit doesn't even have a lounge. They have a detention center they throw you in? Spirit ain't got shit.

And all I know is families that travel as families is the gayest thing out. And everybody in the LGBTQ plus community can come for my crown on that. Stop traveling as a fucking family. I know. Be a man. Leave your kid behind. Come on.

Yes. Go get some cigarettes. I just did South America to here. 16 hour flight. I must have been in the nursery plus or whatever the fuck I was in. Whatever section. It was just cradles and strollers and kids they were doing crafts and cutting shit up and making hand turkeys it was brutal i was on jimberie air mark's actually coughing a new

strain of covet on us as we speak oh i wish i let me i gotta tell y'all this so first of all i i always do this joke about this little baby this first class baby that was in first class because i said i suck too much dick to be in first class and this baby ain't suck enough dick to be here that's number one all babies need to be downstairs with the pets in the cage because kids and animals love their time together yes bill's character so let So let me paint the picture. They won't remember the trip anyway. Let me paint this picture for you.

They don't need a leg room. I said the same thing to Gary Veeder. Get back there. No, put him in the overhead compartment. Get rid of him. Let him fly to the wing. Give him a Benadryl. So I get on.

I already see a problem when I go to sit down. This is back in my coach days. So I'm sitting there, and I see a problem when i go to sit down this is back in my coach days so i'm sitting there and i see a bitch she got the baby the baby already doing that stiff board shit right where the baby you know he ran and went and you know bipping and bopping to the side i said oh no i said i hope this bitch is not behind me so now and you know she can't even get the little motherfucker out of his jacket because he's up here doing all this shit so I said oh my god I go to sit down we're not even on takeoff like people still he put I mean kicking you remember when the kids uh now I know I'm a little bit older than y'all,

but we still around the same time when the parents would take the shoes and they would dip the shoes and shit and put them on the. The bronzer. Yeah, they would bronze them. But remember them big shoes you would wear as a kid that had them hard bottoms, but now they put them on the kids that got cerebral palsy. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Like them cerebral palsy oh yeah because they're one

cerebral palsy shoes with the damn i don't know with the brace you don't know the brain but the oh yeah they were like black and white shoes but now they only put them on the set put google search cerebral palsy kid shoes i remember these they were clunky yeah it was it was thick and they had a bottom yeah put yeah put, put in hard bottom. Wait a minute. No. Put in 80s. Because. No, put in 80s baby shoes because with hard bottoms.

Because I'm telling you, those. And let me tell you something. This little nigga almost kicked my back out. Them's the shits right there. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, them Forrest Gumps. Yes. Them's the shits right there. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, them Forrest Gumps. Yes. Them's the one. Yeah, the Air Force.

Get the one with the sole. Look how thick the sole is. Yes. Look at that thing. Now, all of that shit, it look like wood. It's pure steel. It's got more sole than Marvin Gaye. Oh my God. The kid almost can't make it past TSA with these shoes on because they're lethal weapons.

Oh, yeah. Now, this kid had these shoes on. He was kicking a hole. I didn't even know that I had a hole in my back. I had to go to the chiropractor after the flight. He kept kicking and kicking. So I turned around and I did the one little like, you know, the courtesy smile. Yes. And she didn't say nothing whatever so finally the kid was tap tap tap dancing and we was in the sky and

i turned around said hey i said come on now like what's going on with him and the family next to me they had a little kid and it was so sad because I had gotten with this mother so hard that the little kid that was sitting next to me, he was an angel, cute little thing. And he wound up falling asleep and he, you know, he fell over on me. And the mother was like, oh, no, he's fine. I said, no, he's okay. I said, this one, this kid's tap dancing on my back and the mother, whatever. So then after the flight was over i waited because i was like no i want to talk to her so when people come i said

and i turned i said listen i said you have to do something about this kid i said because my whole flight was ruined nobody's gonna get i said i don't deserve this and i understand your mother says well i'm traveling alone and his father blah blah i said listen if you can't take care of the baby on the flight then maybe you should see if maybe the pilot could take the baby during the flight or maybe the flight attendants juggling the baby put him in the windshield do something but i want you to know that he has been a complete inconvenience to my back structure yes and i might have to go see a chiropractor i said he was kicking a lump in the bed and i said and you were doing nothing about it and then she goes what do you want me to do and then a woman other woman comes in because you don't know you must not have any

kids you must not know what it means to be a mother i go here we go with this shit again oh because i didn't oh i didn't have a motherfucker slide through my fucking birth canal i don't know what it means to be a considerate i wish i was on this flight so badly no i got with them fuck you bitch are you kidding no because these 100 mothers against drunk driving or whoever the fuck they are i'm telling you stay on the drunk driving shit don't come over here to the flight shit because i don't need don't not mom shame me non-mom shame me i'm with you and you got a baby tap dancing like he's motherfucking lou roll on the back of my fucking back the whole time bitch yeah i mean what if i brought a crackhead on a plane and he was

just freaking everybody out and drooling on people? I would be yelled at. But what's the difference with a kid? Your responsibility is not my problem. It's your kid. You should, yeah. It's the same with a dog. You bring a dog on the plane, you got to keep control of the dog.

Fuck it, I'm not bringing Vitor to open anymore. I'm going to bring a crackhead to open. There you go. Just so if someone's a baby, I'm like, my guy's more annoying. Yeah. You know what happened to me recently? I was flying back New Year's Day from Spokane, Washington. And, you know, three show New Year's night.

I'm fucking tired. I can't do this anymore. Three on New Year's. One of the crowds stunk, too. Two were good. One stunk. I'm shocked he had that odds. Yeah, exactly.

Anyway, the flight's delayed. Vitor's a psycho. He wants to get back to his kid. I have nothing to live for. I take the later flight out. But Gary's out for the 6 a.m. flight. I take the noon. It gets delayed.

Now I'm like, I might be fucked in my connection. With the change, I'm already landing at like 11. I'm like, they say you might not make your connection. I'm in the air. They say, yeah, you're not going to make the connection. We booked you a hotel in Atlanta. This is January 1st. This is not how I want to start my new year.

And I go, hell motherfucking no. I'm making this connection. We hotel in Atlanta. This is January 1st. This is not how I want to start my new year. And I go, hell motherfucking no. I'm making this connection. We land in Atlanta. I'm losing my shit. I was having a pleasant conversation with the guy next to me until this happened. I was just like, someone do something. I'm losing it. I'm texting my dad.

I'm like, dad, I can't get through on the customer service app. Can you just call? My dad's the best. He calls for me. Says, don't take him off this flight. They moved me off the flight. What? Yeah, because they're like, you're not going to make this connection.

I'm like, I can make it. I can fucking make it. You've never seen me sprint in my life. I believe it. I'm fucking weaving. I'm like, I was like proud of my cardio because I'm not in good shape.

I hope it wasn't Atlanta because that- It was Atlanta. It was fucking Atlanta. It's the biggest airport on the planet. I was dying. I was, dude, I had to go from like B to T. It was brutal. I was fucking Atlanta. It's the biggest airport in the planet. I was dying. I had to go from B to T. It was brutal.

I'm sprinting. T. I get there by a fucking eyelash. I'm sweating. I'm drenched in sweat. I had to run so fast, I didn't even take my beanie off. So I'm in a beanie, drenched in sweat. I sit down.

This is the most dirtbag shit I've ever done. I sit down, drenched in sweat. I go go whiskey soda yeah it is a dirty move to do it no that's not a dirty move that's a reward I know but when you're drenched in sweat it does feel gross

but I need it and it put me in a better mood immediately yes and the second I got the drink I texted my dad I was like I love you you're the best wow parents love doing shit like that little knick knack shit they love that After that second I got the drink, I texted my dad. I was like, I love you. You're the best. Wow. Shout out to your dad. How awesome. Parents love doing shit like that.

Little knick-knack shit. They love that. Damn, my dad would go, who's this? Well, that's my other dad. That's the bio dad. But the kid thing, they should have a thing called family air. Let all the families fly. You guys bring all your kids, bring all your toddlers,

all your unwanted children that your toddlers all your uh unwanted children that you had we're gonna get hate for this well why would you get hate because there was a new york times article about this recently and it was basically saying no kids in first class kids should not be allowed there and it got so much fucking smoke you pull it up i read the comments and they were like fuck this shit but people are gonna complain fuck them listen I grew up in the 80s in a different time listen my mother you had rules and regulations

it's like listen we're gonna go you're gonna get in the car you're not gonna wild out sit down be quiet don't open your mouth now people got parents doing whatever they want I agree I think if you're a parent just fucking parent. If your kid's being outrageous, give the look around, just be like, sorry.

That's all I need. Or do something. That's all I need is a sorry. I'm with you with the crackhead thing. You're not wrong. Thank you. Yeah. I think the parents don't like to be told to be parent.

That's where they get an attitude about the parenting. Because they're like, well, you don't know. Because so-and-so and so-and-so and Skippy got this going on and Skippy got that. And we're doing something different with him. In my childhood, we didn't do this and do that. I'm like, listen, if you know your child has some type of issues or problems or something you can't get a handle on and you ain't got access to Super Nanny, keep your ass at home. Yeah, yeah. I do like the birth canal line the best, so that you said, on the flight.

I say that a lot because I have a lot of most of the women i know are mothers and they they think they they think they've elevated above me like i'm not a common sense person that i couldn't listen bitch all it takes is dick to come inside your vagina and you to ovulate and get the shit popping and percolating for you to become a mother you didn't get any type of damn degrees for that yeah anyone can do it anybody any fucking moron can be a dad anybody can fucking be a parent yes okay but what i'm telling you is stop getting an attitude when i'm telling you that your child is getting on my fucking nerves because i don't think they understand how how much people are taking in consideration that we don't want to say. You know, some people are just assholes and they hate kids.

But for me, I'm not just trying to wild out on you. I'm going to give you that grace. I like kids. I don't want to make the kid feel some kind of fucking asshole way. But after a while, bitch, your kid has stomped a mud hole in my back and you act like you don't know that it's there. Right. Right. Exactly. Just give me

a little courtesy and I get it. If a kid's crying, you know, what are you gonna do? That's it. The kid's gotta cry but just give it

a little, sorry, sorry. Mud hole in my back sounds like a great blues album. I got a mud hole in my back, baby. Cause a toddler

stomped it out. Yeah, it's a tough one. You want to take your kid on vacation. That's a hell of a peeve. That's a great peeve. Can you roll back down and say, first class doesn't promise relaxing? Oh, come on. Oh, that's the whole point.

That's bullshit's whole point. Yeah, that's bullshit. Come on. Kill the kids. Kill them all. Fuck them. Yeah, abortion. I haven't seen no kids.

Oh, you know what? That's a lie. My Delta One flight going to LA, it was kids. But I'm thinking, I think the kids were sitting with the- Delta One's too nice for kids. They have it. Delta One's fucking nice, dude. It's super nice.

It's crazy. Oh, yeah. No, it's super nice. But they did have it. Delta One's fucking nice, dude. It's super nice. It's crazy. Oh, yeah. No, it's super nice. But they did have it for the kids. Each kid sat with a parent. And then they knew the other kids that were sitting three back. It was crazy. And one of them was, I thought, I said, oh, God, they're going to get started.

Because one of them was like, I want to sit with him. And they was like, we wait till everything. And they're like, no. And one was screaming. But then I love the fathers that that are really fathers that you go my happiest moment was when i saw this white man fan his little girl's legs in the grocery store it was so crazy he fanned them little legs this is my grandma say fan the legs we go like that on the legs so he she go she tore something down and he said don't do it and. And she took a magazine. This little girl was bold.

And she ripped that magazine. And all he said, he said, okay, we have to pay for this now. She goes, no. She didn't want him to pay for it. And he said, what did I say? And he popped them little legs. I said, who the hell is this black woman living inside this white man's body? I had never seen a white man pop his kid before didn't

they try they tried a freaky friday with that didn't they did they did they it was like tracy morgan maybe oh i'm surprised that flew but he fanned a little legs wow not in a big like not like a punch that but he popped them little legs and she got a little shit together. Like this? Like I said, like that. Oh, okay. And then she just went on. Not scandal. But I come from a generation where you had to, you know, they was using belts and shit.

Oh, yeah, same, same. Yeah, and switches. And kids were seen and not heard. Like, we sat at the kids' table when we got out. There was a section for us. Right. Everybody had their place. Yeah.

And you got quiet and you didn't open your mouth. You wouldn't dare. You wouldn't dare say something like, dude, so-and-so. If I told my grandmother no, all my lips and everything would be sitting on the floor. You don't say no. Oh, yeah. My dad, when he came home, it was over. He just pulled in the driveway.

It was like, battle stations. But there's got to be a little bit of a common sense. Your dad seems so nice. That's crazy. He's nice now. He's on antidepressants. He lost his edge. True story.

Yeah. Can't get it up. Damn. He used to hit real hard when he beat you, right? Oh, yeah. That's what he beat me with. Now, and see, what they don't understand is nobody's condoning abusing children. There's got to be a good, happy medium.

I think some of the shit in the 80s was rough. Oh, yeah. Kind of crazy. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I'm not here. The thing that breaks my heart is when I see, and I see this a lot up, you know, in Harlem, no disrespect, you know, because a lot of times when it's area with his children and the mothers

Raising kids by themselves they go into stuff they young and also shit They don't have to have a learn to patience yet But it just it bothers my spirit to hear a mother go come on motherfucker some shit like that You know because it's like oh wow like the kid you know I cuss my cats out all the time But they don't pay me no attention. They don't speak human. You can say the N-word to a cat. All the time. But my cats love me and the whole thing. But, you know, I understand like breaking down.

Nobody's here to say break down a child's spirit. We have to be very careful how we talk to children. Yes. You do want to reinforce certain things in children. But you cannot be scared to tell the child that there are boundaries. Some parents just want their kids to live boundary free. Right. I don't want to impede on his growth.

No, you have to teach him or her or them that they are in an environment where other people are also moving around in space and time. We live in a society. Yeah, we live in a fucking society. And it's going to catch up later when they're at a job and they're going why isn't everything going my way blah blah blah and it's just it's just be kind to your neighbor too it's just basic shit just be we're in a shared space right now i don't give a fuck what you do at home hopefully you don't hit your kids but like when you're in a when you're in a shared space be respectful to other people yes common courtesy.

You heard it here first, folks. Yam, are you going to be anywhere on the road? Anything coming up? I'm taping something, but I don't know what I'm supposed to say. Say it. Say it. Just in case.

Oh, look at that. Oh, they got better pictures of me now. Oh, you're on Life and Beth? You're great on it, by the way. Oh, yeah. Life and Beth on Hulu? Well, we start taping, you know. I heard.

I heard. Yeah. I don't know if it's in the streets, but yeah, we start taping. Down south. You was in it. Yeah, I got cut out. But, yeah. I was in it.

He was in it. How did you get cut out? I saw you in it. I'm a horrible actor. No, no. I did see you in it. I don't think so. You must have been in it.

Unless I was looking at some early shit. Maybe they left me in. I did see you in it. I don't think so. You must have been in it. Unless I was looking at some early shit. Maybe they left me in. I looked. I didn't see me in. Well, this is awkward. I got tagged in it a lot. I was a carny. Oh, that's fun.

Oh, yeah. We're doing season two of that. Uh-oh. Yeah. Look. You got a hell of an Adam's apple. It's a problem. You do.

I want to bite it. It's like such an Adam's apple The gays are all over my DMs Oh yeah They want to rub that finger up and down It's crazy I can do a cameo of me just swallowing Going up and down

And I get some big bucks They want to picture their load going down that gullet Yeah lactic acid I had to get mine shaved down Oh what I didn't want to let that go going down that gullet yeah lactic acid i had to get mine shaved down yeah oh what what i didn't want to let that go you're fucking you're picturing you got a seagull right oh i could never transition this is uh but yeah we got uh we got that going on and then you know i got my live with yamanika i do every wednesday on youtube it's on hiatus right now but you know we'll keep

that going up and anytime you type my name in if miss pat don't come up i'm the other one yeah you know we're just having a good time i taped something i i can't talk about i taped something really spectacular i can't wait to see it's supposed to come out in in a couple months oh boy and it's top secret hopefully i didn't get cut out of that shit but they gonna have to do a lot of work to cut me out of it because i was everywhere all right but um i'm really excited about it so if you guys are listening around a certain you know area yeah let me know and then they put my fucking age there in front of everyone cut that out nah it's not i can. I signed up for classmates.com when it first came out,

so all my information is out there. We didn't know it was going to come following us 20 years later. Yeah, right. Well, check out Yam and the new raccoon video coming out. It's going to be big. And she's all over the road. You can see her at the Comedy Cellar all the time. Any road dates you want to plug?

I will be at the Kennedy Center. Yes, it'll be me, Dan Perlman, and Carrie Coddick. February the 16th. I'm also doing Sketch Fest. I think that's the 6th or something in San Francisco. I never put my dates up. So going to that is the wrong move. But thank you for this time.

You know what I really appreciate? I never have wanted to. There's maybe a few podcasts I really wanted. I really wanted to sit down with you guys. Thank you for having me here. Well, we wanted you for a long time. I think we tried you for a long time. I know.

I was texting you for months. You guys have been busy, but I'm so glad this feels perfect now. This is a great app. And I thank everybody for listening. So thank you for having me.

Thank you for coming on. I will be, I guess this is the next week, right? So I'll be in Vegas, Vancouver, Seattle, Portland. Keep adding shows there. Salt Lake, we're adding shows.

Atlantic City added a show. Royal Oak added a show. Minneapolis added a show. Keep going down. A lot of fun stuff. Madison, Milwaukee. Milwaukee, we're moving slowly. New Haven, Boston, we keep adding shows.

Miami, Orlando, Ponte Verde Beach, New Jacksonville. Atlanta, Charleston, Durham,lottesville norfolk dc uh added a show wilkes bar not adding a show portchester new york samorelle.com slash shows more add-ons coming i love you guys i'm gonna try to go off book here hawaii miami spokane appleton uh i'm out but uh yeah doing some stuff with Bert in Phoenix. Special coming? Oh, yeah. We got a taping cooking.

Just a taping. Special will be way down the line. Got to edit. But Rochester, Laugh It Up, you name it. MarkNormanComedy.com. Do you know where you're taping the special? I do. Where?

Can you say it? I guess I can. Why not? Where'd you tape yours? Chicago. All right. Are you really? Can you say it? I guess I can. Why not? Where'd you tape yours? Chicago. All right. Are you really? Yes.

What venue? Different venue. What venue? I'm giving too much away. Okay, I'm sorry. I was trying to get people excited. It's at the Vic. All right.

Okay, great room. All right. All right, and get Bodega Cat, get a t-shirt, get some sweaters, get a hat, and yeah, we'll see you all in hell. Love you guys. Wait a minute, hell. No, no. Praise Allah.

Heaven. Bye. Hey, we'll see you in heaven. Sunday's the day for my next bender. I've read a fever wreck, you know the beer juice pops. I've had a little too much bourbon, and Norman's talking shit about the fucking punk And I get down in the same way

Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true