We Might Be Drunk - Ep 12: Lagavulin 16 & Old Pal

Episode Date: March 1, 2021

One more drink, one more drink You know in the morning for sure we gon' stink One more round, one more round It's 5 a.m., you pricks, the barkeep frowned This is what we do, catch up for a few We'll riff and talk some shit and then we'll sleep till two talk some shit and then we'll sleep till two hey folks here we are get your drink on we might be drunk with mark and sam we're here

what's shaking yo yo I'm chilling, man. What are you doing? I just got back in town today from Raleigh, and I'll tell you, it's an hour and eight minute flight. I love it. And I took a nap, but I'm ready to have a cocktail. Oh, what are you drinking? Well, today I'm going right in with maybe the best scotch I own.

Wow. I want to see this oh man you're going classy lagavulin 16 oh yeah i don't know where i got this somebody gave it to me or it was a gift but special occasions oh class that's a classy man scotch oh yeah or woman that's you know who's always drinking that on tour i'm sure you know amy schumer yes maybe that's where i got it i have no idea where this came from i wish i did know but uh yeah this uh i've been sitting on this one and you know it's the 12th ep that's a milestone i guess you know 12 steps 12 ep what uh did you do this when you were on tour with her? Because a lot of people, you know, may not know this, but the rider, you get the rider, you get it in your dressing room.

You cheat, have the booze in her dressing room, which I'm sure she didn't take. Yes. And then you get the booze in your dressing room, which I'm sure you took. So you took yours and hers. I took mine home. I took hers home and I took all her food. I didn't want to be too high maintenance So I was just like give me one bottle of this

And a couple of granola bars and some beef jerky And I'm out Because you don't want to buy beef jerky On your own That shit's like $8.99 That's such a man rider I love it Granola, beef beef and scotch yes i want to be throw i want to

just be able to throw it in my bag and and get moving i got my my starch my meat and my liquor when i was out with her i think i got your rider a lot of the time so i when i was out with her i remember there'd be like art bag yes which is a great winter scotch. Yeah, Petey. Very good scotch. Well, this is the king of Petey, Laphroaig, and Lagavulin, what you have right now. That's true, yeah. Just that dark bottle. Oh, my God. I love it.

It's so thick. Smells like bacon, man. Yes. Much like my ex. But wait a minute. What is more overpriced Beef jerky or Printer ink

I haven't owned a printer in years Oh yeah me neither Whenever I talk to someone who's like 50 They're like you fucking millennial That I don't own a printer But I'm like why do I need one I guess like if you're writing a script And you want to look at it on a page

Rather than on the screen All I'd really use it for is probably contracts And then what am I going to scan shit? This sounds like a whole I can just download an app, I can write my thing in Why do I need a printer? I know, but there was like a five year period Where you kind of had to have one

Everybody printed their boarding pass You had to print shit out and sign it there was always some need for a printer uh i would go to the i would go to the store and print out my boarding pass and then i would print the return ticket in the hotel uh lobby that's right that in the little conference what do you call that it was like the business suite or whatever bullshit which we've all jerked off in before Let's be honest The business center? The business center, yeah, yeah The center, a little grandiose

I know, I know I'm going down to the business center It's one computer next to a bunch of, like, checks mix From the fucking area Yeah, exactly Oh, I hated that computer It was always so slow You had to log in

You didn't know your password It was a nightmare There was always some old guy on it before you And you're like, please Just let me print out my fucking boarding pass Yeah He was looking He was looking at like sunsets

You're like, what is Oh yeah, oh yeah That was Remember the You might not have had this as a Manhattan kid But growing up in the 90s We had the computer room And you had to have

Yeah You had a Of course Designated room for the computer For porn Of course For eBay For Googling stuff Directions Well room and you had to have it was like you had a designated room for the computer for porn of course bay for googling stuff direction well yeah we did and i remember the aol like log it like it made noise you had to be careful like you were doing a heist just to jack off back in the day yeah that was that was an exciting sound back then. You had the towel under the door for weed, for the sound.

The towel played a big role in adolescence. Yes, and that towel was crunchy, let's be honest. Oh, man, that was a wild time. Remember jerking off with headphones in? Because I was like, oh, I'll be stealthy. But then you're also freaking out because you don't know if footsteps are coming. Damn, that's right. Noise canceling.

It's got its perks. It's also got its problems. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Just every I used to do this thing where I'd watch Playboy TV, the scramble, but you jerk off with one hand and the other hand was on the last channel button on the remote control. That was a big one. The last.

So like someone walks in, you pull it up and you switch. Exactly. Yeah. Boom. I'm back on PBS. Your mom's even more suspicious that you're watching PBS. She'd rather watch you fucking. It's like the thing is like, what's what's weirder?

Watching a 13 year old boy jacking off or walking in. You're like, are you just watching Bob Ross? What the hell? Yeah, I'm watching Julia Child. Mom, get out of here. Hello. Well, I'm drinking an old pal. This is it's called an old pal.

That's the name of the drink. It's a classic drink. It's basically a play on the Boulevardier, which is kind of like a Boulevardier is a Negroni, but with whiskey instead of gin. So it's Campari, sweet vermouth, bourbon, right? Wow. The Old Pal is what I'm drinking is one part Campari,

one part bourbon, and one part dry vermouth, not sweet, dry. Wow. Nicely done's it's a good ass drink some people go a little heavier on the whiskey and a little lighter on the other two i think it goes pretty well equal parts but uh it's a nice drink man it feels it looks good i i drank it at a show the other night and i got everyone there it was like what is that and the bartender tried and goes i'm having one of these oh everyone started drinking an old pal an old pal for an old pal we're doing a old pal is doing a podcast yes

here here that looks it looks kind of almost fruity and and punchy it's not it's kind of like tart but i like i don't like a too sweet cocktail except for the manhattan is like the one sweet cocktail i like yes it's got a bite to it. Where's like a old pal. It's like almost like, uh, I mean, it's weird.

It's like kind of Campari with bourbon. I don't think you see it a ton. So I kind of, I kind of like that. No great choice. I love it. I love, I've never heard of it,

but it's a good looking drink. It just, it's something sad about calling your cocktail, your friend. That's my old pal. You know, the wife left me and this is the only thing i can rely on old tried and true here the only thing worse than old pal is old faithful yeah it's the only thing that i could count on to help me through life i didn't realize how i thought it was like a joyous drink you just made me realize how sad this drink is i mean don't get me wrong i love a good cocktail but yeah there is

something sad about calling your your drink your buddy come here amigo exactly what uh give me uh give me a any toast this week. Oh, geez. I wanted it. This is a weird one, but it's not a thing. It's not a person or an object, but I've been trying to get a little more. I don't know if classy is the right word, but I bought a watch. I got a watch. Let's see.

It's a piece of shit. It's a Casio. It's $30, but I just love this thing I love doing that move I love that And then I have another thing where I'm trying to get a little more James Bond-y Where I wear my jacket And I keep things in the inside pocket I love an inside pocket

Don't you feel cool pulling shades out of there Or pulling a pen Or whatever it is, your wallet? So I'm toasting the inside pocket. Wow, that's a great toast. I love what you just said about the inside pocket because I never wear blazers. When I have a jacket with it, I can't wait till I wear a blazer, by the way. I can't wait till I wear a blazer and it doesn't look ridiculous on me.

Yes, exactly. I feel the same way. think the seinfeld look is like great jeans a blazer and like he's like the only dude left wearing nike shocks like i've never seen anyone else he's wearing like the like 90s nike i think i don't know someone i think has a bit about this how you like you wear whatever year you peaked in forever it's his bit well it's like that's what he did it's like you're wearing the 90s outfit so true but but yeah the inside of the jacket pocket man you it's fun to pull out shades that's like the coolest pull out it just looks so classy you look like a man like you got your shit together and uh it's tucked away i don't know there's something about it and i'm with you on the blazer i love a sports coat but i just can't

do it i mean i'm a child but we're like bomber age we're like you know bomber jacket maybe like i'll have like i have a couple slick jackets but i always feel a little weird you know yeah same but that trench coat you got that's pretty badass yeah i love a trench coat man i just if i see it i'm like i'm not like a big go to the place and shop but i where i found that like century 21 brought down a shitload of money and it's just like oh shit i feel i put it on i was like i feel like a pi i fucking love this yes i love a trench and i like an old gordon gecko like the beige one with the belt yes i just i could never do it see you could you could i don't think i could do that's so

professional it's so uh adult yeah you know what the problem is we still feel like kids so we feel we feel because of our careers like just another thing jerry would always say yeah is that like however many years you've done stand-up is like how old you actually are so we're teenagers right right so you put a you put a jacket like that on as a teenager you were in our heads it's almost like whenever i put an outfit on i'm like what's what's colin quinn and keith robinson the comedy seller gonna say 100 every time and then you take that puppy right back off because I don't want to deal with it. That's why I respect

women. Women just wear what they want. My gal, she dresses very adult and sexy and professional and it looks great. She's got these cool Italian boots with a trench coat and one of those hats. I could never do it, but girls can do it. Girls

can be fashionable. That's because women are supportive. Ah. No woman takes a fashion risk and rolls into a restaurant and has her friend roll her eyes. They might do it internally, like, this bitch thinks she's hotter than me, but you're right.

Or she gets up to use the bathroom, they're like, that was a bit much. Right. But they don't do it to her face Our guy friends do that to our face I can't roll in In like a new outfit Even if it's not bad even if it's just new

They will make second guess it That's so true It's so true what is that in men That why do we do that We do it with everything Even you get a haircut Hey, nice haircut there, Dickless Or whatever it is, you know

You just can't help it And I'm guilty of it myself The only thing worse than nice haircut is Got a haircut I know, I know You're just telling me that I got what I know I got That's all It's almost like we're saying,

I want you to be aware that I'm aware that you're changing things. Yeah, you're not. Like, we think we're getting one past them. Maybe my hair was getting long. Maybe it was time. Yes, people get haircuts. It's not weird. But, yeah, I mean, speaking of...

People need to comment on it, though. You're right. It's a guy thing. And Jerry, speaking of of him he hates the bomber he's like you kids with the bombers like get a get a fucking sports coat get a jacket that ain't a jacket that's like a windbreaker and i'm like ah times have changed you old geezer i don't i i think a bomber can look good man but i hear him i think like you know what he was probably so successful when he was his

our age that he was like it made sense also no one rocked that shit in the 80s you know like he was rocking a suit like look at those old gary shanling clips on on carson he's in like armani i know like like they they were just more adult than us we have gotten younger and and we were dressing younger too like our behavior is younger yes Yes I mean think about it I was just Talking to my friend about this my Dad I saw a photo of him when he was 31 And he's in a full business suit black

Business suit in the Louisiana Heat with a briefcase And I'm like wow 30 I'm 37 I'm wearing a hoodie right now I'm wearing Pajama pants It's crazy it's a pandemic it's weird Yeah I was watching okay so I was watching the odd I'm 37. I'm wearing a hoodie right now. I'm wearing pajama pants. It's crazy.

It's a pandemic. It's weird. Yeah, I was watching. Okay, so I was watching The Odd Couple last night. Old movie, you know, Walter Matthau, Jack Lemmon. Sure. And they have, like, a date. And the women are just coming over to their apartment.

And they're in suits. They're not, like, he doesn't have to wear a suit. Yeah. He just put on the tie. They're, like, getting ready in a tie. I'm like, it's kind of adorable can you imagine if you if like we had a double date come over and i was like you know you're cooking in the other room i'm like putting a tie on i'm like hurry up hurry up with the meatloaf mark so true that's insane but it it is adorable it's like sunday's best or it yeah there's something uh innocent about it but Yeah it's just I don't know when that faded

Away maybe in the 90s but It just doesn't fly anymore Well they're still trying to get laid They just had a nicer exterior Right right They were still being dudes they're still like don't blow This I'm trying to bang these British broads But he's wearing he's got a little tie on

It's cuter it's cute but it was Almost a respectable thing. Like, just have some respect for yourself. Like, we're going into a dangerous zone with sweatpants now. Sweatpants look too fashionable. Yes. I see guys in sweatpants everywhere, and I'm like, if you would have walked around in sweatpants in the 80s,

you'd be considered homeless or unemployed. A pervert. Or, you know, a pervert. Yes. And now they look so normal it's too risky it's not you know what it is it's it became uncool to try like here's the thing like i think of someone like george carlin who like we consider to be one of the great writers of all time one of the great performers of all time imagine george carlin

going into like a brooklyn room right now With like rehearsed material They Carlin's bit they would hit harder if after He'd be like or whatever and he's like reading Them off a sheet of paper yes they don't hit When it's like ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum They're just like look at this guy trying Yeah

Good point good point and we've kind of adapted That or adopted that all over society I mean look at an airplane Back in the day you put a tuxedo on basically to get on an airplane. And now everybody on airplanes got flip flops on and a chihuahua. That's such a good point. And it's because we're we're just jaded. We're not grateful. Flying is incredible. Yeah. Think about that. Flying is an incredible thing. But we're not we're not we're just like I'm fucking I'm wearing sweatpants And look

Security's gotten heightened In our defense Like You gotta I'm not gonna put on like Like what are you gonna wear Like dress shoes To go through security

I'm wearing like Fly knits I'm wearing whatever I can slip off easiest You know what I mean But Good point But you're right

There was something about An airplane was like Man that must have been like hot That must have been like a hot way To like pick up a woman back in the day. She's in like, you know, a blouse. You're in a blazer. You're both on business. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I think a ticket back then was expensive and you appreciated it. And now, I mean, flight, there's 18 airlines, there's Spirit, there's Frontier We've really scraped the barrel here And the ticket's $18, so it's almost like it's become more Greyhound-y, just in the sky That's a good point Yeah, you're not, it's not like, it's not that cool to fly anymore But I miss it, like, I love, I used to, I mean, look, I'm gonna get back at it soon

But, like, I liked my routine of flying where I can just like, you know, zone out from the world. Like there are very few places you can disconnect from the world. We're, we're down in airplanes and showers. That's so true. Yeah, you're right. Great point. Yeah. It's, uh, it's not much.

And I used to be like, oh, my phone doesn't work. But now it's kind of a blessing. Yeah. I mean, I definitely panic when my phone doesn't work. I'm not going to lie. Like, we've gotten way. It's funny when you watch like a revenge movie. You watch like John Wick and you're like, oh, that's how I behave when Wi-Fi goes out for 20 minutes. You know, it's like it's embarrassing, but it's good for us, man.

Like. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, oh yeah. Oh yeah. I mean, just think of all the thoughts you had, I don't know, when you were 18 that were just swirling through your brain that you might not have now because you're on TikTok looking at some dad

doing a dance in his kitchen. It's so true. And man, Scorsese had a great point in an interview recently where he said, movies aren't about an algorithm. You know what I mean? Algorithms are bad because it doesn't put good shit to the top. It puts what's getting engagement to the top and engagement isn't

necessarily good. Whereas this dude, you know, he puts so much work into what he does and like shit. If it was like, if this, if whatever equivalent he was in another, you know,

say he was trying to break on social media No one's going to see his shit They're going to see The Transformers equivalent Right? Yes Great point You could do that with McDonald's

McDonald's has 8 million served It's got 6 million people coming out of there every day But it's still shit I like McDonald's. I like McDonald's, but I like it as shit. Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, of course, of course. But if we're putting top-notch restaurants, you're right. McDonald's is going to be the TikTok above it.

It's going to be algorithmed above it just because it's hit more. So, yeah, that's not a good measure of quality. It's just a good measure of quantity. Yeah i don't know man it's uh it's it's yeah algorithm just the word upsets me for some reason i'm just like i i don't like that i that i know the word i don't like that i that we have to know this much you're so right like people used to just be able to open their minds and just go for a while like i have to be like this clip get this clip done get this clip done get this clip captioned like you can't just disengage like you used to and still have a career I know it's horrible and some people have done it some people have done it but

uh I don't I think at our level we're're not there yet where we can just kick back. But who? Like, name someone. Well, like, I don't think John Mulaney, who's a great comic, I don't think he's sitting around cutting up clips. But he's at that level where people are cutting up clips that they like of him and putting them on. If he popped when we, like, he popped, like, seven years ago or something. It's different. Like, if he popped now, I think it would be different.

Really? I do. Yeah. I think it's maybe not with like Netflix, who knows. But yeah, I think it's, I mean, Mulaney's a beast. So I think no matter what, that dude is just inevitable, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

But. Well, that was another thing you heard a lot. The cream rises, the cream rises. And you're like, yeah, I know the cream rises, but I also got i also gotta you gotta know that i've got cream you know what i mean like just because it's good doesn't mean you know about it yeah no it's it's not and it's another thing when like when people i think another thing people want to discover shit on their own like how often do you recommend a show to someone and they're like yeah yeah i'll watch I'll watch it. But they don't watch it. They want to discover the show. So true.

So true. It's kind of like when you got that cunty boss, you got to let the boss think he came up with it, and then he's on board with your idea. You got to make sure he thought of it in a weird way. It's kind of human nature, but yeah, it's how people are wired. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like a blind date. If I'm like, you gotta go out with this chick You're gonna love her, oh my god You're like, alright, easy, what's her problem? Why are you pushing her so hard? But if you had bumped into her at, you know, the Starbucks You might be into her Yeah, availability is unattractive Yeah

I mean, it's speaking of Woody speaking of woody allen i mean like you know the groucho marx show we've talked about it forever but like the why do we you know i don't want to be a member of a club that's going to have me that's yeah it's so true but in every part of your life i think about that shit all the time and it's yeah by the way speaking of blind dates that was going to be one of my recommendations For this week Rewatching old clips Of the show blind date on YouTube Oh

I used to love that show Dude it's such a good show The writers are fucking witty The captions they're putting It's a train wreck if you haven't seen it It's like from the late 90s and it looks it Like it looks late 90s Yep horrible graphics

Like weird pop-up animation Oh man It was fun though, I mean it was a slice of life It's so good dude And it's usually a train wreck of a date Like they get way too I'm watching them drink and I'm like They just have seven drinks on a first date

Yeah, yeah, they go at it That's like, that is like almost like a Like that, they just have seven drinks on a first date. Yeah. Yeah. They go at it. That's like, that is like almost like a, like that. They're like, this is America. This is what people do in America. They get this fucked up on a first date. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And you can see every time, like you get five minutes in, you're like, they seem normal.

And then 12 minutes in, you're like, she's got issues. He's a piece of shit. You can, you start seeing, oh, this is why you're single. And on a reality show shit you can you start seeing oh this is why you're single and on a reality show you fucking losers but it's so it's so fucking on the nose where like you're right where you're like these people are fine they're normal and then they get a few drinks in them like on one of them this woman went out with this ufc fighter he's like she's like i like bad boys okay well you got set up with a bad boy He's a fucking professional fighter He's a badass

He's like 6'8 He's big And she's like mad that he doesn't drink That's the whole thing She's like you don't drink So he gets fucking drunk on the date with her She's like I'll drink And then she's like

But yeah but you don't drink And it's like Well what do you want? It seems like he's doing everything Seems like you want It's weird when someone's an alcoholic And they're like you're not an alcoholic too It's like well guess what doesn't work two alcoholics ah yes you need a sober guy who will hold your hair back while you're vomiting that's what you need yeah so true

and he's ufc he can carry you home he can get you in a headlock i mean it's the perfect perfect uh matchup you know what is even better or not think Blind Date's better, but do you remember Elimidate? Oh, yeah. There was Elimidate, Blind Date, Fifth Wheel, and Next. Next was trash. I think that was MTV. MTV is trash. Horrible, horrible.

Talk about algorithm dog shit. But, dude, Elimidate was like the four women or four dudes. Yeah, and they're trying to... dog shit but uh dude eliminate was like the the four women or four dudes and the one yeah and they're trying to so it's like the by the fourth by the last round it was always like it was always like what are you gonna do yeah yeah what are you gonna do to to earn this spot and it was like one of them would take their shirt off the other one be making out with them you're like this would not fly now yeah and i fucking love it it's so fun And that was normal TV that was on basic Cable or prime time and

I think singled out might have been the Yes The gateway drug or what do you call it The epicenter the beginning What do you call that when the first one that starts It all The groundbreaker I don't know

You're looking for a negative term. It's just a term. It was the precipice. I don't know. What about, so were you Jenny McCarthy or Carmen Electra? Well, I watched both because I was into both of them, but I think Carmen Electra's got a better face. Yeah.

But I hate Jenny McCarthy't i don't like when we call her funny i'm like no she's wacky she's loud and goofy but she's not funny she's got nothing she's got no zingers you would have to if you dated her you'd have to pull she'd be on like oh oh god i know it'd be a nightmare yeah like look you're beautiful you got a hell of a bod but uh i haven't heard one clever quip You're just farting It's a lot of It was a lot of, like, I'm hot and I farted

It was a lot like Yes It was a lot of, like, I made a weird face And you're like, fucking Jim Carrey Holy shit, this is incredible Yeah, yeah And, by the way, Chris Hardwick What a dream gig

You get to stand there Read a couple cue cards, and talk shit and get away with it. He's smarmy. He's sarcastic. He was just being a cock to everybody, and it was great. Yeah, that was a good. MTV had a minute, man.

It's so funny how MTV just collapsed. It's like Viacom was just like, we're not going to adapt. So MTV I mean it's crazy to think how big MTV was They could break you They could make your career We got it on MTV you're in But it's all

It's all just the internet now It's so funny how it's like MTV What was the last big thing Catfish or like Jersey Shore Catfish Those were both huge i think but it's fucking it's kind of done yeah mtv's over but uh you you know it was crazy about uh what's it called uh singled out was that you know they'd be like blonder brunette and they gotta go blonde so they'd be all right all you brunettes gotta get out of here and then one of

them when the lady was in the chair would go big dick or little dick and she'd go get rid of those little dicks and a bunch of dudes just walked away you're like wow you're on tv just saying i got a little dick and i'm getting kicked out i was like 13 with a tiny dick going oh my god this is so embarrassing this is your tv moment it's a nightmare that's fucking that's hilarious women will fucking do shit with like no body shaming and then fucking that around the corner body shaming is disgusting big is beautiful and you're like all right well apparently only on on your side you know what i mean like totally i mean chris christie jokes are still flying it's it's fuck it is a hilarious about And they'll say, you know, women are more judged for their body, which look, they are. It's true. It's completely true.

But it is hilarious where you're like, Chris Christie is like really fucking fat. You're like, you're making fun of a dude who I don't know how he survived COVID. Like, that's a that's like a tough that we're like, you got COVID. You're like, I'm sorry, dude, this this might be it. Yeah, that's like a tough, that we were like, you got COVID, and you're like, ah, I'm sorry, dude. This might be it. Yeah, you're a goner. That's so true.

And look, women are judged by their looks and all that. But let's not act like it's only men judging. Men do judgment, but so do women. I mean, I'm at a party

with my lady, and this beautiful girl walks in, and I'm like, who's that? And my girl's like, I don't know, but I hate her. I'm like, you never met her. And then if a dumpy chick walks in and I'm like, who's that? My girl's like, I don't know, but I hate her Like, you never met her And then if a dumpy chick walks in

She's like, something about her I like Like, you don't know her either But don't you, if a dude walked into a party And he's like jacked in a tank top Isn't there a party that's like, develop a fucking personality Ah, completely, completely So I do get when women are like She's a skank, I'm kind of like

Yeah, I get it, I definitely have like If a dude rolls's a skank I'm kind of like Yeah I get it If a dude rolls in like that I'm just kind of like Nothing cooler to me than finding out a guy Is low key ripped Oh yeah that is a good one Like our buddy Doug Key Ripped But he doesn't show it off at all

He's like a dude that you only find out he's ripped Because you like you know Went to a swimming pool with him And you're like oh shit that guy's jacked You know Yeah he could have posted 8 million photos And he never did Yeah there's something

I mean like look But also if you're a comic That's the thing Don't you want to lead with your personality Of course of course You'd think I mean for most of us That's all you got Yeah I got let me see what I got

For can I give you a pet peeve Oh please do you have any Part of the show this has become my favorite part of the show To the pet peeves So here's one that's for me Is and I don't mean to be insensitive If you're an addict I think it's great that you're working on shit I really do

But, here comes the but The addict making amends And how it's still all about you Okay So I got a call, he's a friend of mine I still like the guy I really do, but I got a call He texts me first, he goes, I need to call you this week

You know, I was a really bad drunk And I'm sober now me first he goes I need to call you this week you know uh I was I was a really bad drunk and I'm sober now and I'd like to talk to you about it and I said I don't think you were that bad honestly I really I didn't like I'm thinking about him at his worst and I'm like a lot of laughing a lot of high-fiving a lot of good times and he goes I was a really really bad drunk and I said again I don't think you were I said I think you were a pretty good drunk and he goes just trust me I was bad so he calls me i said all right let's talk and he's like all that shit i said about you you know starting out as a comic when i was like ah he doesn't have it all that and i'm like well this is all news to me wow so it's one of the things where i'm like okay well

i'm glad you cleared your conscience. You ruined my day. Yeah, right? Jesus. Now I need another one later about this. Exactly. Well, the addict mentality, it's very good that you're getting sober, but let's also, people that are supportive of you, let's fucking be nice to them, too. I'm supporting you, dude.

Yeah, yeah. Wow. That is wild. I know who this is, I think. No, no, no, you don't. You don't. Not a comic. Ah, wow. That is wild. I know who this is, I think. No, no, no, you don't. You don't. Not a comic. Ah, wow. And I will say this.

He's a good guy. He meant well. But I told him, hey, I don't want to hear it. I like you. I accept you. That's kind of what I said to him. I'm good with it. And for the record, he said, like, I took advantage of you.

And I said, I don't think, I don't feel that you took advantage of me. I would tell you. Like, i'm pretty honest about that i gotta i gotta give kudos to you because i think a lot of people would get that kind of shit and run with it and milk it now like oh yeah keep it coming baby but you're like no no you're fine and you could have made that a whole bigger thing and made it about you but you you you pushed on i think that's that's noble well it's not about me It's his fucking problem Is the thing

So I mean When someone gets sober I give you a lot of credit Because that's not easy And that's a whole thing Like you've changed your life around You know And hey there's a drinking show

But there's a show We respect sober people too Because that ain't easy Can't do it myself Can't No I don't think I could ever do it I like alcohol too much That I don't think I could ever Become it I like alcohol too much that I don't think I could ever

Become a full-on alcoholic Because I enjoy drinking too much Exactly, you don't want to abuse it Because you don't want to lose it I just love it, I love it It's funny, you ever just have a bad day and you have a couple drinks And you're like, this is the perfect short-term solution Yes

I feel good again Right, you just take the edge off, that's it I don't need to get hammered, I just want to relax We talk about Beer goggles, how you see a woman As hot, but you ever get friend goggles? Oh, dude That's what a drinking buddy is

You can barely stand the guy And then you have a couple cocktails You're like, oh buddy, get in here You get monogie, I love you man And then you're like this next day're like, oh buddy, get in here You get manoogie, I love you man And then you're like this next day sober Trying to think of one positive characteristic And you're like, can't do it Can't do it, that's a bit

Friend goggles is great Maybe that's a bit Give me a peeve I would go as far, I think some people have relationship goggles I knew guys in high school who would just get shit-faced With their girlfriend And after the booze wore off They'd just start fighting again I think some people have relationship goggles. I knew guys in high school who would just get shit face with their girlfriend. And after the, the booze wore off,

they just start fighting again. That's tough. Yup. But that's a lot of young couples too. It's like, you see like, uh, fuck man.

It's so often though, those young people, that's why so many hot divorce chicks in their thirties and forties, we were like, all right, well, good. I'm glad he fucked up.

Cause now these like dating apps are going to be fun again You know? And these women are fresh on the rebound They've got a low bar because they were with a fucking douchebag So all you have to do Is show up and be decent And they're like, oh my god, who are you? Oh, nothing better than a woman

Who's been treated horribly For us That was a good save Comparison wise, yeah who's been treated horribly for us. That was a good save. Comparison-wise, yeah. All right. I got two, one little one and one big one. Yeah.

I'll go little, and stop me if I brought this up before, because it just kills me every single time, and I had it today. I'm on the flight. It's an early flight. It's like 10 a.m. or whatever the hell it is. I got the guy next to me, window shade open, sun beaming,

beaming, and he's sleeping in the sunshine. And I'm like, God, I got sunglasses on. I got the safety lecture laminated thing up the glasses to like try to block it. Close the fucking show. Do you sleep at home with a desk lamp in your eye?

It's insane. It's so much light. It's unacceptable. I think that's... On a morning flight, that's a fucking dick move. Undeniable dick move. It's undeniable, but I don't think he was trying to be a dick, because I'm

such a cunt. I sat down before the guy next to me I was in the aisle and I went And I reached over and lowered it Because I was like, yeah, it's 10 in the morning Sun's coming in And then he came in, I got up, he got in his window seat And he was like, ooh, and he looked out He's allowed to look out the window, he's got the window seat

But once you start snoozing Close it, baby It's careless, it's just not a thoughtful move And I try to be a good passenger To people I think it's important Like you know We're all in this together on a flight You gotta be good to your neighbor

Like come on So that drives me fucking nuts man I'm also a big sleeper On morning flights Not even a sleeper, but like a rester Yes Do you bring a sleeping mask for the flights or no? I used to

But I had it either in packed in the bag The bag's tucked away in the overhead Or I forgot it But I was just like, ah, so here's what I did He starts conking out And I just reached right over And put that puppy down and do you say anything he woke up and was like later and was like what the hell and i was like i must have fallen you

know these old planes you never know that is but you know what you're that's i think fair i think if you just if you even explain to him like hey i was you were asleep i was trying to sleep i don't want to invade your space you're in the fucking right dude you're probably yeah if i you're probably right if i had said that it probably wouldn't have been that big of a deal but some people get weird but hey this is my space you you don't want the window shit then you should have sat by the window and been in control whatever it is but yeah i'm with you some people fight for that arm rest too when you're like hey man i'm too old to fight you, but let's fucking be reasonable here.

I also don't like when you're with someone who's huge and you're the seat next to you, so they just think they're entitled. I'm like, hey, man, I'm 6'3". You don't get to just squash me. I'm not a fucking dwarf here. I need some space. Sometimes they come into your area, and I try to like put a i try to put something there to make a divider oh nice well here's my thing about weight and this is this is where we'll

uh we'll piss off the the the chunkies out there but i look at i look at fat people almost like smokers like yeah you're you're allowed to do whatever you want but now you're you're fat or you're i'm getting secondhand fat now yeah you know because you're allowed to do whatever you want. But now you're you're fat or you're I'm getting secondhand fat now. Yeah. You know, because you're bringing that fat into my world. So just because you're huge now, I got to suffer. Most of them are pretty cool, though. I do think it's an occasional thing, but I agree. Hey, man, like, let me if you're going to come into my area, I get to use you as a pillow. That's how I see it. Like if we if we're Dipping into each other's world I'm fucking leaning on you

I've had the muscle bound dude the muscle Bound dude is worse than the fat dude The muscle bound dude is not Even soft right He's a rock it's like trying to sleep on a Fucking brick I'll take The pillow over the brick Give me the pillow any day Louis Katz

Used to have this great joke He's like, I love fat chicks Their whole body is just tits I used to love that joke But yeah, I'm with you If the guy's fat He's allowing me to use him I'm guessing that bit's better with dudes in the crowd than women

Yeah, yeah, yeah But he's complimenting him Oh no louis is fucking funny man i remember we uh remember that show at cbs when i i told this story so you and me were young comics and cbs in the back and you know we're just like young guys drinking in the back whispering like you know shooting the shit gossipy and i remember wayne Rader you know running the club in the back Yeah he would just turn to us and go During the show shut up Shut the fuck up and we would just be like

Ah and then be like I'm so sorry Shots shots for everybody It was like this abusive Yes he was kind of bipolar-y and he would Snap and then apologize Yeah that was a weird time He'd drag us in and put his arm around both of us. And we'd all shoot shots.

We're just like kids. We're like, what are we doing? I know. I know. Oh, yeah. We were just 24, 25. Just there for the alcohol. Yeah.

The place was the size of a postage stamp. And I bombed every time I was there. But. Awful. What else were we doing? I remember when you fucking. Another great one is when you were dealing with some hecklers he's tackling every comic on the show and this guy wouldn't stop heckling you and you like put him down enough ways but it got to a point where you're like all

right dude like what do you want and lewis gomez gets in his fucking face and was like you got a fucking problem dude yeah and the guy the guy just like looks up like what and goes you and me outside i was like is this fucking happening? I watched Lewis drag this dude outside in front of his girlfriend and just yell, pussy! And the guy's like, ah! And he just keeps yelling, pussy! Fight me! In front of his date.

And I'm just like, I am so glad this guy is on our side. Right, right. I know, Jesus. He's not even even angry he just wants to fight somebody he also was like he had that thing where he's like you fucked with my boy like you don't fuck with my boy so i was like i dude i fucking i'm grateful to lewis that's hilarious yeah much respect i still think about that. I appreciate that. Now, here's a CB's debacle I got into. And let me hear your angle, because I got yelled at for this, but I didn't think I was wrong. Okay. It's kind of a Curb Your Enthusiasm moment.

So every night at CB's you performed, you got a free meal. That was like a big perk of the gig. That was, I mean, Wayne, who would underpay us, would be like, he would like pocket the money that he was getting, that he would take from us. And then he would be like, but you need to try the chicken Milanese. It has a champagne vinaigrette. It's one of the finest. And we're eating dollar slices. We're eating McDonald's.

So we're like, oh, my God, a ribeye or whatever it was. I took a girl there on New Year's because of the free meal. I accepted. No, we got, he fed her on New Year's Because of the free meal I accepted No we got He fed her on New Year's But it was like that was a big deal I'm like free meal Yeah alright so I had something happened

Where I went to some show and I got a bunch of free food So then I go to CB's to do a spot And they're like you want a meal I was like no I'm okay I'll get it later And they go oh yeah well just let us know when you want the meal so i do a spot it's fun i leave two nights later i come down and i go hey let me get that uh chicken paprikash and they were like oh you're not on tonight i was like i know i was on two nights ago but i never got my meal and they were like whoa whoa whoa you only perform you only get a meal when you perform and i was like, I did perform

And I never got the meal And now I'd like the meal And they were like, no, that's crazy And I'm like, I performed The transaction is still the same There's just a little bit of time in between Well, here's the argument for both sides The argument for your side is

If you performed that night And you didn't collect your money You still get to come back and get your money oh but maybe the meal is only on the table for that one night yeah the meal is almost like you know it's like the argument is like all right some of these clubs let us drink for free right do you drink for free on nights you're not performing? That's the question Some clubs will say yes If you work there enough, others won't I think the food beverage thing

Is different from the money But if we're talking just purely money You are in the right Okay, interesting See, drinks is a little gray Because it's multiple drinks It's a vague amount of drink But a meal is a meal

One meal I don't know So we got into it And I never got the meal Yeah I mean I would If it was my place I'd be like

Yeah have the meal But I also Right I also get I get where they're coming Here's their argument Yeah So some comic had to leave

What are we feeding Like ten comics Who didn't have the meal now Yeah Yeah I guess I'm just a literal guy I see had to leave what are we feeding like 10 comics who didn't have the meal now uh yeah yeah i guess i'm just a literal guy i see performing you get a meal if i come back in 19 years i still expect a meal 19 years is a bit steep it's probably a different restaurant that's true it's true the city shut down i think it is a gray area I don't think you're right

But I don't think you're wrong I hear you and I think You have a valid point But I do get where they're coming from Alright well you didn't take the meal We owe you for life now Is there How long does this free meal really last in your mind

That's the question I should have gotten in writing Just a bar napkin How long does this free meal really last in your mind? That's the question I should have gotten it in writing Just a bar napkin Hey Wayne, you owe me one meal, you got it You know, like in Dumb and Dumber $350,000, I would hold on to that one What about It was hilarious how he pocketed money

Because he was the most charming guy I really did enjoy him That was the funny thing He knew how to fucking compliment you he knew how to make you feel good Yeah and we were so Bankrupt of compliments or Any success or anything so any Little compliment or nicety

Went a long way back then well like this guy managed Patrice O'Neill yeah Yeah so like he knows talent He managed Patrice you know And he had great taste All the big guys there It was like Vecchione and Big J And Soder and Nate Bergazzi

And I was like man this guy knows comedy Yeah I mean Greer Barnes Had worked there It was all funny people He did have good Adrian Ipollucci he repped Who's a brilliant joke writer Check out her new album uh Baby Skeleton she's

some of the best dude she might have my favorite joke of like the last few years where uh oh really she said my boyfriend threatened to kill himself and I was like great now I can't kill myself are people gonna think we were in love ah that is genius level joke That's like fucking That you're cramming I love jokes that cram so much into one line Yes yes That joke's got depth Check out her album She also did a Degenerates on Netflix

A half hour thing or 20 minutes on Netflix And it's so dark I don't know if I'm allowed to say this But they had to cut one of her jokes So get the album so you can hear all of it. Yeah, I mean, she really is unapologetic. I know people use terms like that in

comedy, but she earned it. She's earned it. A lot of people, you see the hacky bullshit with the caution tape over your mouth and the headshot, but she's an edgy comic. That's who she is. I've spent time with her She's my friend

Like she really is dark But she's a good person Like I love people like that Who are like their minds are dark Their jokes are dark But you hang out with them And you're like you're a good human being Like she rules man

Yeah I tend to believe that a lot of the people Who say the craziest shit on stage Tend to be the nicest offstage And flip that too, look at Cosby You know If you're getting it out on stage In a comedic way In an outlet that's silly

Hey, we're on stage, we're doing crazy shit up here It's almost healthier than doing it in real life That's a good point It's not just comedy, it's almost like anything Where you're like, I'm the sweet guy. Yeah. Like I'm the sweet guy in the show. I'm this,

I'm the musician who's abstinent, you know? But then you're like, then you're like, Oh, this dude's into like fucking femdom getting pegged and like fucking, you know, banging kids and shit.

And you're just like, yeah. Oh, cause he was hiding so much that he just had this dark side. So I guess if you're like getting, there was this famous quote, I think it's Gustave Flaubert It said be violent in your art so you can be ordinary In your life

And that's kind of a cool way to live I think Where you're like alright I'm getting it out You know what I mean Yes I don't think Wes Craven Is killing people you know He nails it in the art Although John Carpenter went on a spree in the 80s That was fucking

But hey Look at Matt Lauer The guy's Sunshine and lollipops At 7am That's not healthy Yeah but then At the same time

Like you know Like I think Like Jimmy Fallon Is that dude I really do Like I think He's that I think he's like

You know A nice I think he's that Nice upbeat guy For real think he is that nice upbeat guy for real yeah he's definitely a nice guy but he likes the sauce yeah he's a drinker but he's old that's how you cut it but fallon is an old school entertainer like he is like i'm gonna sing and shit i'm gonna dance and shit and i'm gonna fucking get lit up on booze like that's how i yeah he's almost like a dean marden type of dude right so i mean yeah i think that's cool too i mean you know i go look i don't watch any late night i'm not gonna i mean

who watches late night anymore really i don't know i think fallon's wife and that's about it but no i'm with you it's it's it's a kind of a dying art, and especially the pandemic Really was almost the nail in the coffin for it So yeah, it's tough But, you know, I respect it I mean, we did a million late night sets And it's fun going to 30 Rock, it's fun putting a suit on So fun, we talked about the suit The suit is only appropriate for like You didn't wear a suit on the Conan

But you wore a suit on like Fallon, Colbert Yeah Do you wear it, those are the only two? That's that's it yeah yeah there's something about that ed sullivan theater there's something about the 30 rock it just feels old school feels suity feels a little more high end and they always they always throw in they'd appreciate it if you wore a suit yes yes exactly and and look i i i hum and ha and i oh, these fucking suits. But I enjoy it. I'm not going to lie.

Yeah, it looks good, man. It's cool to have like one picture of us. We're in like a fucking tailored piece of clothing. Yes, it's rare, but it's nice. You know what's the best? You get a shot of us at Jola's wedding or something. We're all getting hammered in suits. That is my favorite photo

We look cool in suits And we're like, fuck, we would have been like cool businessmen I know, a couple of madmen Doing ad sales or some shit Fuck, madmen, dude That would be my dream If I didn't do comedy Just because it's creative still

You're being creative But you still get to get fucked up It's close to comedy weirdly it really is yeah and it involves pleasing people and all that but it's still a little too much responsibility but let me give you my uh my my big pet peeve please and this is an epidemic all over the world so i'm gonna say this and people listening are gonna go shit i feel seen or whatever the kids are saying. But people are saying the word like too much. It's a problem. I was eating like buffalo wings the other day and they were like so hot.

No, you were eating buffalo wings. You weren't eating like buffalo wings. Drives me nuts. Sometimes you'll get three or four Into a sentence and it's so unnecessary And it hurts language There's adjectives that can really Spice up a sentence And you're saying this is like

Another word it's like this or it's like that Just say what it's like or what it is I love it It's not just like or whatever It's like so okay cool story I gotta send this to you My history teacher in 6th grade was a slam poet And he was fucking hilarious

Like one of the funniest people His name's Taylor Mali T-A-L-I M-A-L-I Really talented Dude he does slam poetry But it's fucking It's written like stand up.

It's like Carlin S type of like wordplay. Yeah. And he has a bit called like I think the one that's really popular is called or like whatever. Well, he where he mocks people who go, I miss people having confidence in what they're saying. So that's the whole thing he's mocking. And I totally agree because uh what happened to that like people used to yeah so he said he's closing line of this rant as he goes it's not enough to question authority you need to speak with it as well

he's very he's very interesting he's very cool so he was a great teacher and he's also just an interesting guy but i remember seeing that and being like he didn't we didn't know he was this like kind of like most deaf is bringing him on stage and these things we didn't know this and he's like i love this guy it's hilarious so wow uh yeah he was a cool guy so anyway yeah i'm with you man like like uh it's just it's in the vernacular now it's part of the culture and and i you got whatever i would throw in you know you know is a big one i did you know uh no you're watching something come on yeah i'm guilty of it especially when i'm hung over here's what i'll do a lot yeah is this what i do i go fucking uh yeah fucking uh is the alcoholic version of you know yeah you just gotta watch it around mom you know oh see i just did it

but yeah you gotta watch it around the the folks with the fucking but i talk to older people and it's kind of refreshing because they're not going uh so i was eating these like uh like cereal you were eating cereal there was no like i have a neighbor who will do one he does this he always goes he sees me in the hallway and he goes hey have a good night huh i think the huh is kind of weird it's like huh like why can't you just say have a good night yeah yeah colin quinn's got that great joke where they answer the question for you. He's like, it's a pretty good day, right? I don't know. Yeah.

How's your day going? Good? That was it. How's your day going? Good? Well, let me say how it's going. Don't answer it. Yeah, we've gotten lazy in language.

I mean, that's what it is. We're just very lazy in how we speak. And people speaking confidently Is refreshing It's refreshing and People speaking with just The right amount of good words And not kind of prolonging it because

They can't think of good adjectives It's so nice A storyteller who can't wrap It up Someone who just takes Just a greedy What if I did this for like five minutes Someone who's just greedy

Someone who's greedy with their language And like whatever Someone who's greedy with their language And Can't wrap it up Use your word economy I know Also you'd think attention spans are getting shorter And Can't wrap it up Like use your word economy Use your fucking I know

Also you'd think Attention spans are getting Shorter and shorter So you'd think We'd be quicker With the shit Getting it out But

It feels almost like We're taking longer We are taking longer Yeah our attention spans Have gotten shorter But our stories Have gotten longer Because we're getting dumber

Hey Now that was a good sentence You got it all in Tightly that was perfect Attention spans are getting shorter Stories are getting longer We're getting dumber boom There is something about that where

When you're with someone who can tell a story It feels so good When you just you're like oh, I can be around you. Yeah, yeah. That's one great thing about hanging with comics is you can tell they've told the story a few times. It's got the beats. It's got the ending.

It comes together. It's got a good, it grips you in the beginning. Nothing worse than the guy who's got the story with no punch. I love a workshop story. Some people are like You've clearly told this to a bunch of people Like what are you working on I'm like give me the worked on story

Yes I want the hits Play the hits I don't want your new stuff on the story front Yeah I don't want to see Fucking Journey work out new material Yeah Play Don't Stop Believing and get off the shave Alright Yeah I don't want Play Don't Stop Believin' and get off the shave, all right? Yeah, I don't want to.

Don't stop, like, believing in things. Whatever, you know. Come on. I got another good. I don't know if I complained about this pet peeve last week as well, but did I say this to people that bail on plans but then text you, where are you? I'm meeting you right now.

Did I give you that one last week? No, what do you mean? Well, people were like, alright, tomorrow night I'll come over You're like, yeah, sounds good, come over tomorrow night And then they're just like, they don't come But then they're like, two days, they text you Where are you? I'm meeting you right now And you're like, wait, what?

Oh, yeah, I don't like that That makes me feel suffocated They think, hey, I blew off this one, but I'm making it up now. And you think, hey, you're making it up for you. I'm not ready. You never checked in on me. Well, that's the tough thing about us

is that like our dates are on websites and shit. So our friends, like we can't blow them off. They could find us. Yeah, yeah, true, true. Ah, that is tough tough but sometimes you're just Not up for a zoom but you can't Really bail on a zoom tough to bail On a zoom also tough to be late on a zoom

Yeah not a fan of that if you're not There on the dot you're kind of A dick yeah at least Send a text like hey I'm running home I'll be There in two minutes something something yeah Just the straight up late is tough On a zoom oh this is zoom This is a good drinking one People who don't accept

That you won't take a shot with them Oh that's a nightmare I'm in my 30s here come on I got a cocktail already you want me to have liquor on top of liquor It's like hey man Whatever okay Yeah No but you know people that don't expect

They don't accept it and you say hey I'm already doing a drink I'm a sipper I'm a fucking adult Adults sip children shoot Okay you want to be a kid or do you want to be an adult Choose a path And stick with it And this assumption that I want that

Dude I bought you a shot what the fuck Yeah but you didn't even ask me. What if I just bought you a dress? You going to put that on? There's no... You didn't even ask me what I wanted. I'll do the shot if you put the dress on. How about that?

There we go. Yeah. You put on a blouse, I'll shoot Southern Comfort with you. Deal? Yeah. What do you got on recommendation? What do you got on recommendation? What do I have?

The Blind Date was one I gotta say, man, I re-watched I've never seen the movie The Odd Couple I've read the play, but I've never seen the movie And our boy Salacuse gave me a ton of shit for it So last night I figured, you know what? Let me late night watch this It's terrific It's Walter Matthau, Jack Lemmon

Amazing writing What I love about it It's on Amazon, by the way you know what let me late night watch this it's terrific it's walter matthau jack lemon amazing writing i mean what i love about it it's on amazon by the way if you want to stream it but uh what i love about it is like it's two guys who are down on their luck who just fucking bond it starts in kind of a dark place for jack lemon who is gonna kill himself so he checks into a hotel to kill himself but his wife leaves him. He tries to open the window, and he pulls his back out, so he doesn't do it. So already, you've combined dark and comic,

so I love that. Love it. He shows up after taking pills to the card game that Walter Matthau, and he lives in an eight-bedroom on Central Park West, which is fucking amazing. He's like, I don't want to be alone. You're like, you fucking asshole. love this playing his car he lives in an eight bedroom but he's making all his friends like fucking ham sandwiches and like uh cigars a refrigerator

that doesn't work so drinking warm beer so jack lemon comes by and they're like he's gonna he's he's gonna kill himself we're scared he's gonna kill himself He tells them he takes a whole bottle of pills They call an ambulance He didn't say what kind of pills It could have been vitamins He could be the healthiest one of all of us Great one-liners like that

It's a great movie I loved it It's a classic It's a Neil Simon, right? It's this huge play, then a movie and then it was a show for like Eight years So yeah and I think they've remade it since then I mean every show is the odd couple

And that's what I was gonna say Every show it's a prototype for all these other shows So that's when you know something's a real staple When they just keep remaking it Yeah I mean Peep Show is one of my all time Favorite shows too it's on Amazon And it's basically The Odd Couple It's like a nerdy history buff

Who works in a county And a guy who wishes he was a musician You know, if you haven't seen that If you haven't seen that show Fucking watch it People keep recommending that to me And I gotta watch it It might be

It's probably top five comedies for me For TV shows, I would say Wow okay I'm such a xenophobe I'm like accents blow me You might not laugh harder at a show ever It's like It takes a minute It's like nine seasons but there's six episodes per season

And they're all killer Alright alright I'll check it out By the way speaking of odd couples It's another 48 hours, rush hour Those are all basically just odd couples Yes The straight edge meets the wild card Black guy, Asian guy, whatever it is

Trading places Yes, odd couple Beverly Hills Cop kind of midnight run Yes Just odd couple in a police setting That's all it is Two dudes who just don't get along Yeah, you're right

It's the prototype There you go, alright, good rec I saw that when I was younger, but I gotta rewatch it I used to love the show Never watch the show Good call Simon Lemon Matthau You can't go wrong

They're so good. If you haven't seen another great Lemon movie, everyone I'm sure has seen this, but The Apartment is like- The Apartment, yeah. Fucking Fred McMurray, Jack Lemon, perfect. Brilliant movie. Great movie. All right, here's my record.

This is a weird one. I don't know if you caught it yet, but I'm going to say the first half of The Patrice Dock- Wow. Is lights out. It's about I'm going to say the first half of the Patrice doc. Wow. Is lights out. It's about an hour long with the first half. I was tearing up. It's so good.

What do you watch? I, well, you know me, I got my, uh, shady little deal there with the television set. I'm not going to get into it cause I got in trouble,

but, uh, I watched it on that and it is is they have so much footage of him starting out he's this fat big guy in boston and he's a nobody and he's got notes on stage and and his ideas are brilliant even though it's new and he's working it out and he's he's green you're like oh you got the best you got a great head for comedy. You got a great mind. And just seeing him move to New York, and he's humble in the beginning.

He's not a cunty dick like he is in regular time. And there's one point where Keith Robinson goes, I showed Patrice Boston Comedy Club, and it was Attell. It was Chappelle. It was Louis. It was all these killers. Kevin Brennan. And he goes, I can't go go on i'm not ready yet and he had to leave and go try get better and then

come back so just all that cool stuff and it made you see comedy for how we used to see it because now comedy's gotten so oversaturated and these horrific netflix specials and who's got heat and who's the it guy or the it gal And it was just funny For funny's sake Who had the best bit Who had the good observation Who had the best takes And it brought me back

And it was beautiful That is so cool I gotta watch it I'll watch it tonight I mean the idea of striving for greatness Is what Patrice was doing I mean if you haven't seen Elephant in the Room

It's comedy central hour I think it's one of the best Hour specials of all time Amazing He was so good He does a thing that I love Where he would like bait you With a provocative set up

And still surprise you Yes The kidnapped white girl bit Every bit The bit about the dogs He really just fucking ruled. And I won't even try to retell his bits because no one tells him like him. But right.

Yeah, I got to watch it. But so much has changed. Like now I'll be writing a joke about a black guy and I'll just make him a Jew in the joke because I'm like, I don't want to deal with the groans or the. So I end up trashing Jews at half my act Because I'm like well this was about a Puerto Rican Or an Indian And everybody's fine with Jews And you just know I'll come to your fucking rescue If shit goes bad

Is that what it is? I just know because I guess you guys are doing so well That people are they can take a joke No I don't think so I mean like there was a whole thing about you know Che got shit you were talking about last week So I started looking into it and of course it's fucking ludicrous of course it's like yeah an inoffensive joke that our buddy che told who's uh so fucking like it was so innocuous i watched it over and over and

so just silly and like che is such a fucking sweetheart it's so weird that people uh and he's also a fucking brilliant comic I mean he really is He's one of the funniest People you know I think it's a great sign That a week ago the right hated him Or the left hated him and then a week later The right hates him that's what you should be doing

As a comic you should just be pushing buttons all over The place not biased It's a good point I mean like Bill Maher is constantly In shit and i like a lot of what he says man i love it i mean i'll say this about bill maher too love him or hate him there is not a human being who has more a more diverse uh group of guests in terms of their views i don't think i don't think anyone on TV Like MSNBC has their Mission where they're like everything's gonna be this

Fox News has their Mission where everything's gonna be this and Bill Maher's Like yeah he leans liberal For sure but he pisses Off liberals more than anybody I know I think people were pissing Megan Kelly on I was like I listened to their

Talk I thought it was pretty reasonable I agree I think people were pissing Megyn Kelly on. I listened to their talk. I thought it was pretty reasonable. I agree. I think a lot of outrage. Outrage is like currency now. Outrage is... I think Bill Maher... I think his show is great. I really do.

It's not only great, and I must sound like a pretentious cunt, but it's important. They give him shit for having Meg's important Because if we don't have They give him shit for having Megyn Kelly on But don't you want to hear If she's the enemy Why would you want to get the ammo Let's hear what the enemy has to say

It's so stupid It's so stupid Close minded Yeah I think more shows need to Kind of have Less of an agenda Yes And more of a show

Because Yeah I think you learn more About not just That but about yourself Where you're like Oh this is actually like a more I hate using the word safe

But like If you have a conservative on MSNBC They're only having that person on To like sell the talking points that they want to sell. Those are like pre-approved questions. Right. Same goes for Fox News. If you have like the Fox News liberals. So it's like when this is HBO, which obviously is a fucking liberal, you know, network.

I mean, look at what they're making. But I mean, Bill Maher kind of has the guests that he wants So it's kind of cool I think it's kind of cool that that show exists I completely agree I see people trying to drag him on social media And I think it's It's unfair

And it's wrong Let the guy do his thing And you're still watching I hate these people Can you believe you had this guest I gotta see what he's gotta say Well then you can't shit on it if you're gonna watch it I also think it's kind of interesting

Like he had Milo Yiannopoulos on when Milo Had all that heat and like guess what Man sometimes you have those guests on And they fizzle out and that dude like he fizzled out You know like People are like To give this person a platform. I think sometimes exposing people

is not having much to back up their ideology. If you have them on, it's kind of good. I think it's kind of nice to let them hang themselves. I'm a little buzzed right now, so I'm not as articulate as I was an hour ago. No, I completely agree. It's almost like

when you get heckled and you you kind of just pause and let the guy bury his own dig his own grave and you barely have to do anything it's the same thing i'm not i'm not welcoming hecklers i'm not approving of it i'm just letting the guy hang himself with his own rope that's a good point isn't it great when you just have to repeat what they say and keep teeing it up and then you just get that one hit And you're like, I'm out Yeah, nothing better than when they say a line Back to you and it gets nothing And you go, it's not that easy, is it?

Yeah, you're not that funny I've been killing for 45 minutes You can't even get one line out You fucking coos Coos is a good one Do you have any bits you're working on? Oh yeah, I got a couple Yeah, I had a fun, productive weekend

Let me see, here we go This one's all over the road But maybe you can I got the same one So we'll help each other So Everybody always says I get the same one, so we'll help each other. So everybody always says, oh, men, they don't like an opinionated woman. Men hate an opinionated woman.

I'm like, I completely disagree. There's nothing worse than a woman with no opinion. Where should we eat? I don't know. What kind of food do you like? I don't care. Whatever you like. And you're're like give me an opinion you know like and then the joke is uh even if a woman's like uh hey is it just me or do chinese people smell different i'm like you're a keeper that it's such a crazy

opinion i'm like this is interesting at least we can bounce ideas off of each other i want an opinion there's nothing worse to me than no opinion Maybe the angle is that an opinion's good When the opinion goes to Maybe I think it's funnier if She's got good opinions at first And that's the third Where you're like, alright, never mind You want opinions to a degree

Uh-huh Yeah, they still have to be good opinions Good fellas sucks You're like, wait, what? Exactly, opinions good But you want the opinions to line up At Book fellas sucks You're like wait what Exactly like opinions good But you want the opinions to line up At some point where you're like She's like fuck

Like feminist that's opinionated I love an opinion But what if it turns into like Feminist where you're like alright I think women deserve equal rights Of course I think men are fucking trash Like alright calm down a second Right And then they go you don't like an opinion of a woman

No I just don't like that opinion Yeah maybe there's nothing No no hold on there is something here Okay An opinionated woman I like an opinionated woman To a point To a point I think

It depends on the opinion I guess Yeah hey if your opinions are if your opinions aren't awful, you think I want to go out with a bore? I'd rather an opinion. But then maybe the angle of the turn is, I'll take even horrible opinions, though, over no opinions. Because at least horrible opinions, I'm engaged.

Yes, that's kind of what I was trying to get at with the Chinese spelling So maybe before you go, she says nothing You're just like, alright, I don't know what to say And then she does that and you go, you're a fucking idiot And you're like, well at least I'm getting a reaction with this Yeah, yeah, exactly You at least have some thoughts here

Yeah, when you go out with someone And they keep saying dumb shit Where you're like, yeah, well at least you're moving things forward Right, right Here's why I like strong opinions I know I can get out sooner If you're giving me no opinions I'm dating this girl for three months

Until she finally says something stupid I'm like, fuck, I could have left three months ago If you'd only opened your mouth Interesting, yeah I get to know you more Even if it's horrible, at least I know what I'm dealing with Yes That's good, that's good

I think strong opinions on a first date are great Great Because I know who you are Right, right Even if it's bad, I still want to know It's almost like when Like my friend of mine, he's a black guy He's like, everybody hates rebel flags I like when a guy's got a rebel flag friend of mine, he's a black guy He's like, everybody hates rebel flags

I like when a guy's got a rebel flag At least I know he's racist I'd rather know Roy Wood, right? Is that Roy Wood? Yeah Yeah, there you go Roy Wood had a bit about

Now we can't tell That's a fucking great Roy Wood bit So anyway He's a beast He's a beast But anyway Yeah, I mean, to me that's kind of Like everyone's on their best behavior on the first date.

And it almost sets us back. It's like, fuck, I bought four more dinners before finding out you're fucking, you know, a lunatic. It's terrible. That was an extra $800, you bitch. You fucking tricked me. I'm six months in. I just found out you think the moon landing's fake. Yeah, you should have told me that the first night. I would have fell in I just found out You think the moon landing's fake? Yeah, you should have told me

That the first night I would have I would have fell in love with you All right, all right That's something Okay Thank you That helps

Because that tightens it up a little bit Mine was a little loosey-goosey No, there's something there for sure I have this angle about So this is like a mass shooting Years ago in Georgia That didn't happen Because this kid came in With 500 rounds An ak-47 whatever and uh he shows up whatever i said

again he shows up and the teacher stops him and she goes what are you doing and the line i said was you know she probably knew but she was an icebreaker you know yeah and uh and he said, no one loves me. So she said, I love you. You know, and I love you. And this fucking idiot kid believed her. Thank God. And he gets arrested and didn't kill anybody. So my angle is like, she stopped the mass shooting, but some women issues were definitely born on that day. You know what I mean?

Like he's sitting in a jail cell like she fucking lied to me i thought she loved me you know yes yeah i don't know where to go quite yet one of my angles one of my thoughts was uh like that's gonna be much tougher to pull that at the at the reunion you know what reunion the the high school reunion He goes back And she's like what are you doing And he's like no one loves me And he goes no I'm not falling for that shit again Don't try to pull that

And he's like I've been burned before And she's like alright I don't know quite where to go with it But like I love you is like a grenade you only get one And so if he comes back Yeah she's screwed luckily he's in jail for life but it also kind of proves that lying can save your ass i mean maybe if there's a woman out there whose husband is abusive and he's like you think i got a small dick she's like no you

got a huge dick and he's like all right i won't hit you i don't know something we're lying can save the day we're taught not to lie all day long, but it can save you. I think lying when the other person's holding a gun is acceptable. There you go. If they're holding a gun, whatever it takes to get out of that gun situation. Yeah, yeah. Also, man, a lot of kids who are doing that shit, young women, tell a guy you love him because they're the ones fucking shooting that shit up. Tell a guy you love him Because they're the ones fucking shooting that shit up

Tell a guy you love him If a guy is pissed About fucking heartbreak He's not going to shoot up the whole school This is because no one loves him he's shooting up everyone I don't know where to go with this But there's something here for sure right There's definitely something here

I mean we've all done it with our girlfriends She's like do I look fat in this? And you're like, if you tell the truth, you'll get stabbed So I'm protecting my ass You gotta lie sometimes I think that's just the nature of life I think, yeah, women say they want honesty at all times Try being honest about everything

And you will get killed You gotta fucking you have to fucking soften it pour some fucking water in it dilute it a little bit like i mean how many times has a woman got like i've seen my boyfriend my boyfriend i've seen my friend and he's got a girlfriend and he's like she's like do i look good in this honey and he's like you always look good babe and she goes that's a good guy. He knows just what to say. He clearly lied, and you're happy about it.

I think it's almost a man with a gun is the same reasoning as a lady all the time. You know, it's life or death all the time. With a guy with a gun And a woman looking For a compliment It's the same situation That's interesting You have to always just go with the lie Whether it's a lady Or a guy with a gun

A guy with a gun and a woman are the same Yeah, either way, you're fucking finished Yeah, either way, you're finished Either way, you're dead Alright, well That's funny This has been a fucking hot ep Again, I'm loving these, dude

We're killing these I hope we're doing well I feel like, you know, I might be not in my most coherent sense Same, same That log of a little goes right to the noggin But this is fun, man Oh, we forgot to do the ad Oh, shit, yeah

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