We Might Be Drunk - Ep 122: Dustin Nickerson & Tom Collins

Episode Date: April 10, 2023

Get ready for another hilarious episode of "We Might Be Drunk" with hosts Mark Normand and Sam Morril! In this episode, they're joined by the talented comedian Dustin Nickerson, who's promoting his new comedy special on YouTube, "Runs In The Family". The guys start off the show by sipping on Tom Collins cocktails and diving into a range of topics, from sports in Seattle to the Krackens and Seattle Super Sonics. Dustin brings his own unique brand of humor to the conversation, sharing hilarious anecdotes and riffing off Mark and Sam's quick wit. If you're a fan of comedy, sports, or just looking for some lighthearted entertainment, you won't want to miss this episode of "We Might Be Drunk". Use the hashtags #WeMightBeDrunk, #MarkNormand, #SamMorril, and #DustinNickerson to connect with other fans of the show and join the conversation. With plenty of laughs and witty banter, this episode is sure to brighten up your day!  @DustinNickerson  Support the show by going to sheathunderwear.com & use promo code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order. Support the show by going to https://Zocdoc.com/DRUNK &; download the Zocdoc app for FREE. Pretty Litter: https://www.PrettyLitter.com/Drunk Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/shows Dustin Nickerson: https://www.dustinnickerson.com/ Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com/shop Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/

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Hey, guys. How are you? Hey, I wasn't ready. Sorry. A little jumpy. Been a long weekend. Keep going. Nice kicks.

The Giannis' baby. Wow. Yeah. Look at that. It matches your Pepto bottle in the green room. This is the Pepto. This is the Jewish pair of Giannis'. We got a special guest today, Dustin Nickerson.

New special on YouTube. It runs in the family. March 28th? March 28th. Yeah. Sweet. There you go. YouTube's the move, baby.

Yeah. I saw Chad Dales last night. He's doing one. Ari just did one. Ari's just so good. Yeah, they're out there. For people playing the how many times Mark burps and farts drinking game at home. Early.

Early. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was quick. I mean, you've gotten more burps than Iarts drinking game at home? Early. Early. That was a quick one. I mean, you've gotten more burps than I've gotten words so far. Sorry. We're going. We were talking baseball before you got here, because you're like, first off, you're wearing a Seattle Kraken hat. Yeah, yeah.

You're a Seattle guy. I'm a Seattle guy, but I don't know hockey. So I'm like a fan because it's a new team. But I'm like, what's icing? Like, I don't know the rules to the game yet. And I almost don't want them to, because they're pretty good right now. They're like first in the Pacific. But I almost don't want them to win because I haven't suffered enough.

I haven't hurt. Yeah, I haven't earned it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a comic. Getting too much too early. You didn't pay your dues. That's what I feel like Getting too much too early. Right, right. You didn't pay your dues. Exactly. That's what I feel like as a Kraken fan.

I was like, no, I got to, especially Seattle, which is a very long-suffering sports city. Just the energy of that city is just, it's like suicide. It is. You just walk in. Are they number one? I think they're number one in suicide rate. No, Alaska. Wow.

I didn't count them. That's a given. We didn't count that. The other thing is Syracuse, too, but I'm like, that's another one. You can't even count that. Seattle's a real city with suicide. And if you think about the things that Seattle's known for, like coffee and music, art, software, all indoors.

Also, coffee's also like energy. It's weird to be caffeinated and then kill yourself. Oh, good point. Yeah. Maybe they need it. They're high energy suicides. Right. They don't lull. Oh, good point. Yeah. Maybe they need it. They're high energy suicides. Right. You know, they don't lull. It's a high energy.

They couldn't get off the couch to jump without a Starbucks. Yeah. So actually coming in at number one with a bullet is Wyoming. Oh. That's another one. Nobody lives there. And it probably takes like a week to find the body. Yeah, that's a state too. We're going city here. Oh, city. But you think

Seattle, you think like Frasier, you think like, you know, oh, Niles. You don't think like a guy hanging himself. No, no. But the weather, we were there recently. And by the way, more theaters, like the most beautiful theaters. That's one of the best rooms in the country. I think that might be my favorite venue we played so far. Incredible.

Yeah, I opened for Nate there a couple years ago. And it's like, I grew up going to this. And like, Alice in Chains has a famous live album there. Oh, yeah. And like, Houdini played there. Wow. I know. Isn't that crazy?

Pearl Jam climbed the thing there. Yeah, yeah. I feel guilty doing what I do when I hear shit like, like Houdini played there, and I'm like, here's another abortion joke. Keeping that tradition on. Well, he's making things disappear, too. But also, Seattle Kraken.

That's the animal, the weird... What is a Kraken? It's a sea monster, right? It's a sea monster, yeah. It's a very Seattle weird name. But it's kind of a cool name. It is a cool name. And they have the most Seattle name ever

for the arena, the Climate Pledge Arena. Oh! I thought you were going to say the syringe. I was thinking they should call it the Soundgarden. Yeah. The Soundgarden. It was. Oh, there you go.

That took me a second. That's very good. When Selkie's bombed, it does this. He did the Mr. Burns thing there, too. Yeah, I think Jerry Bruckheimer is one of the owners of the Kraken. Oh! Yeah. Wow.

I had no idea. I think he is. Google it. I think Jerry Bruckheimer is one of the owners of the Kraken. Oh, wow. I had no idea. I think he is. Google it. I think he is. The reason the Kraken exists, though, are to try and get the Sonics back. Oh, is that right? The Sonics lost. We lost the Sonics in the 2000s.

And it was like a thief in the night type situation where Stern, the CEO at the time, gave his buddy Clay Bennett a team in Oklahoma City. And they were like, ah, the arena's trash. It was a key arena. It was fine. But they had to renovate it and show that it could be a good space to now try and court the NBA back to Seattle. Wow, what a move.

Yeah. They should have a team. It's pretty crazy. I mean, I grew up on those Sonics, green and yellow. Yeah. Yeah, Detlef Schrempf. Cool team. Sonics, Green and Yellow. Yeah. Yeah. Detlef Schrempf. Cool team.

Good years. Yeah. Just another set of Hall of Famers that Jordan kept from getting a title, which is his real legacy of the 90s. Yeah. That was, I mean, speaking of basketball, I did Giannis Antetokounmpo's benefit last night. Wow. Holy shit.

Amazing family. They're so cool. Shout out to Hasan Minhaj. Hasan Minsan minaj i'm sorry hassan hassan minaj uh he put it together and it's like literally mayor adams the ambassador wow uh to greece and then me holy shit and then ronnie chang and then oh thank god okay yeah i got a buffer. But it's crazy. I'm doing literally, I'm just like, I went up like half in the bag. I was like, I'm fucking nervous. I'm looking at Mayor Adams.

Wow. Not an easy gig. I was a few Manhattans deep. By the way, Stavros, whatever, he was supposed to come with me. He didn't. Long story. But I'm like, I know I'm going to get drunk. So I just start pounding all this like really great Greek food they had.

Ooh, nice. I'm looking in the front. And I'm trying not to make eye contact the front table is yannis thanasis and their mom oh my god people are like crying before they bring me on they're just like this incredible woman yeah who brought these men up to be such and they're like all incredible people they're all good human beings yeah give back and yannis is the greatest basketball player right now i think you know if you if we're going yeah two-way freak yeah and and and and i look over and the brothers are laughing and i was like thank god and then i look to the left the mom is not laughing i'm like it's okay the brothers are laughing that's what's important yeah and then I look over, Mayor Adams fucking loving me.

Oh, really? And then pull up the video, Matt, after the show. Because Stav did not come with me. Incredible. Wow, Greek guns. That's a good friend move. Also a dirty friend move. I didn't ask for the video.

We were just talking, and I said, I'm so bummed because one of my best friends was supposed to come with me tonight, and he couldn't come, and he's so upset about it. And he goes, let's make a video for him. Oh, man. I would not have brought it up. I'm not that dude. He's Greek. He should have been there with a flag on. You want to hear why Stav wasn't there? He literally texted me before. He's like, I up. Oh, man. I would not have brought it up. I'm not that dude. He's Greek. He should have been there with a flag on. You want to hear why Stav wasn't there?

He literally texted me before. He's like, I can't wait, dude. I can't wait. Can I wear my Greek, can I wear my Adidas track suit? And I was like, I mean, it's the Rainbow Room, dude. It's like, I was the worst dressed person there, and I was in a button down, you know? And I was like, you should probably wear something, you know? And then he was like, dude, I'm looking around.

I don't have one dress shirt. And I was like, you did five wear something, you know. And then he was like, dude, I'm looking around. I don't have one dress shirt. And I was like, you did five shows at the Wilbur this weekend. You don't have one dress shirt? And he's like, no, I don't have a dress shirt. So I was like, fuck it. Just wear the track suit. And he goes, no, I don't want to drag you down. Like, I don't want to, like, be that bad.

And I was like, just do it. It's fine. Then he fell asleep and woke up. I was explaining this to a friend. And I was like, he just fell asleep and i was like i was like he just fell asleep i was like hey he's fat you know yeah that people just fall asleep yeah you hear a cat naps you never hear a fat nap i was hoping you're gonna say he just showed up in a toga just to throw you for a loop because that is the uh the garb of the day

no he uh he was and then i tried to sway him when i was there because i was like dude the entire milwaukee bucks team is here. Wow. And he loves the whole team. So I was kind of like, dude, comment. He woke up to that video like, fuck. Damn, my wife would have showed up. I did like 10.

Yeah. That's not an easy year. I got a big laugh and I was like, fuck it. I didn't even get the light yet. I was like, fuck it, I'm off. Yeah, yeah. I was like, there's no need for me to overstay my welcome and a benefit. Wow.

And you sat next to him. No, I didn't sit next to to overstay my welcome and a benefit. Wow. And you sat next to him. No, I didn't sit next to him. I found him after the show. Wow. I just bought him. He is well-dressed, too. Really? He's a dapper man.

He's an easy guy to root for. I love him. I don't think anyone hates Giannis. No. Pappas, yes. But not that one. Very different Giannisis very different different energies wow that's funny that's a that's a what do you call it a milestone that's a it's fun as hell

yeah great awesome the man for doing that yeah that's awesome we gotta get him on one day do you have any uh yeah we do have to get him on do you have any uh do you have any recs any recs like recommendations yeah uh sure yeah i'm always like way behind on like tv and like it's like that old gaffigan joke you know you remember this joke it was like i love this joke it was like i'm gonna mess up the exact details right it's like you ever watch a movie oh that's a great joke yeah hey you guys ever seen heat they're like yeah like five years ago but i want to talk about it now yeah i love that a lot i want to talk about heat now i want to talk about heat now it's the perfect movie that's a

little bit of like the parenting thing like because we like i get like me and my wife like if we're watching a show it's like 40 minutes at the end of the night and we're like we can start a new thing or we can watch larry sanders again like something we know we're gonna love it's amazing how many references larry sanders has gotten on this podcast. Oh, really? We're all obsessed with him. Big fan. He literally answers the phone, hey now.

That's right. Yeah, that's what my wife got me for Father's Day last year was a hey now shirt. Yeah, it's a big one. You have three kids. Three kids? Yeah. Yeah, I know, right? Whoa.

Get him this drink immediately. He's got three kids. How old are they? they my oldest he's a junior in high school he's 15 he's like learning to drive i had like a whole life before comedy when i showed up my first open mic i was 27 and had two kids and a third on the way so wow so when you said hey wife i'm gonna do comedy she said great yeah there was like it was i think it is why like go ahead i just want to say shout out to uh patrick from joey roses for coming through we really appreciate it

yeah thank you joe de rosa's bar in the lower he's one of the best uh dives in the city in the city great bar 174 ribbington street hell yeah and great hair and boy look at that skin he's like a ken doll from utah uh i'm from Atlanta, but I'm from Salt Lake City. If you guys remember the High West episode, I'm the guy who gave you the bottle. I remember that. I still have it. I still have a little bit left. I have a hard time just...

I usually just get a new bottle. I don't like to finish the bottle. Keep it going. It was campfire, so they stopped making that one. So I got some of the last. Great whiskey. You do have one of those looks that I don't think I could get your age within 10 years. Yeah. A decade.

If you said mid-20s, okay. Mid-40s, I also wouldn't be surprised. There's Jason Cooper, the face is a little bit younger. You could be a character on The Boys, for sure. Yeah. Right. What are we drinking here? Tom Collins.

Ooh! So this is your drink. Good choice, Dust. It's my cocktail of choice, yeah. Really? I love, I'm not even a big gin guy, but I love your drink. Good choice, Dust. This is my cocktail of choice, yeah. Really? I love, I'm not even a big gin guy, but I love this drink. It's very, especially for day drinking, which we're very much doing. It's very easy to go down.

Cheers. I don't even know what's in a Tom Collins. Gin, simple syrup. Lemonade. Basically, no lemonade. Yeah, lemon juice, right? I don't like it too sweet. I like to use agave.

Simple syrup is just sugar. Right. It's just fresh squeezed lemon, agave, a little bit of club soda on top, and then gin. The gin I brought you is also from Utah. The quick funny story behind that, the guy in this bottle is Utah's

first drag queen. Brigham Young's son, Brigham Young Jr. Wow, really? That's first drag queen. Wow. And now, Brigham Young's son, Brigham Young Jr. Wow. Really? That's what drag queens say now, Brigham Young. All right. He came back from his mission from Hawaii, and he found out he had a falsetto voice,

and he started doing drag shows. Wow. People thought he was a woman. Wow. They have a big drag population in Utah. I went to a bar, and I saw a few drag queens. I was like, all right, Utah. Yeah, don't get too drunk. Don't make that mistake.

I was. Hell yeah. I'll be there on Sunday. Yeah? Yeah, me and Ari and the boys all go skiing once a year. We do a show at Wise Guys. We sell it out. We make a ton of money and then just go skiing with it.

Nice. Fun. That's him? Yeah. Mikey Thompson also, shout out to him. Give that guy a shout. That sushi was amazing and he brings it to the green room. Yeah.

Killer. Good egg. Love Utah. So you were talking about, yeah. Sorry. You had a whole life before comedy. Yeah. And then we went into day drinking, which fits.

Where are you from? Seattle. Oh, wait. I knew that. The Kraken. Yeah. Sorry. Seattle. But I started, I knew that. The Kraken. Yeah. Sorry. Seattle.

But I started, but I live in San Diego. And that's where I started comedy. Good choice. So, yeah. It's a perfect little city. Great city. Yeah. Maybe the city I would move to if I didn't live here.

That's what I hear a lot, yeah. And it's an underrated comedy scene. You have like six clubs. You can get up as much as you want. Three of them are right there downtown. Do you go up a lot during the week? I do, yeah. I try to.

It depends how busy the touring is, but usually at least once or twice a week I'll do, because we have a lot of good indie shows. And then before the pandemic, I ran a show. You did it, Les Sets. Right. Yeah. And it was a cool indie show that lasted like 15 years. Wow.

Every Tuesday, 9 p.m., like 100 college kids would come in. And so I did that at minimum. But, you know, I can, depending on what I'm doing, between San Diego and L.A., I usually still go up a few times a week, you know, and then go out on the weekends. So, yeah. So, but started, I just like showed up at an open mic at 27. And, but I was doing that like meandering,, what do I want to do with my life thing?

And then I did stand up and I was like, oh, this is it. I found the thing. Sure. But I think because I started later, there was an urgency to get good and be a pro. And with kids. You got to pay the bills, keep the lights on. Yeah, because I wanted to do it for a living. So I was on the road within six months.

Wow. You got to pay the bills, keep the lights on. Yeah, because I wanted to do it for a living. So I was like, I was on the road within like six months. I was like, wow. You know, just bad, terrible casino gigs throughout the Southwest where you're doing like 25 cold. You're like to open. You're lucky if you get an overhead announcement. Like a lot of time you just walk to the sandwich too. And like the real bad ones, you'd still be open to the casino. Yeah. Not even an enclosed room,

just people walking by, you know. And so I did a lot of road pretty early on, but most of it was in San Diego. That's good. That's still where I go the most. Casino gigs are hard when it's all your people. Yeah, right? They're hard always.

Yeah. There's something about it that just brings out, I mean, of course it brings out the worst in a person. Right. Literally flushing your money down the toilet. I did it on Friday. I was just like, take my money. You know when you get that level of drunk where you're just like handing them chips?

I do that thing. This is a total comic thing I do where I'm like, people aren't paying attention to me right now. Hey, guys, look, $200 on one hand. Right, right. You got to make a scene. Yeah. And then I just lose all my money. I'm like, it was worth it.

Yeah. Well, and it is a comic. They're similar to like New Year's Eve gigs where you're like, you know, you're just a part of what they're doing that night. Yeah. That's not their whole. Right.

They go to a comedy show in Vegas. That's usually stop one. It depends though. Yeah. I mean, the tickets are pricey. So I think, I right i think if they they do giveaways but those casino gigs like you do a casino gig it's your people right yeah sure but as you said it's still tough there's something about it being in that that room and it just it's not it doesn't feel like your show you feel like the casino is giving you a little time yes true right then you're out there. When you go to a comedy club or a theater,

it's like, this is my show. You know, but a casino, the casino wins. Because you know that they want people back out there. Yeah, exactly. There's a limit on how long the shows can run. Totally. When you do a club out there, it's like 80 minutes max.

Because they're like, get them out on the floor. This is great, you know, that they're here. But really what we want them is out on the floor. And it's also weird to be working a casino because I can't help them out on the floor. This is great, you know, that they're here. But really what we want them is out on the floor. And it's also weird to be working in a casino because I can't help but shit on the casino. I can't either. And they don't want that. It's like that Louis episode where they're mad. And I'm like, that's what we do.

But so then I just like start shitting on AC instead. I'm like, that I could do. Right, right, right, right, right. Yeah, I only did Atlantic City once. And I was like, I called it Les Vegas. I was like, I don't like this place at all. That's better than mine, Vegas with AIDS. Yours is way better.

Yours got a harder punch, though. That's not clever. Only spirit flies there. What? That's all you need to know about Atlantic City. No spirit leaves. There we go. It's a rough city.

My brother did his bachelor party there, and I just remember a strip club with a woman who had a Star of David tattoo. And I was like, this is what happens to Jews in Atlantic City. It's rough. No, it's a... Sorry. I'm going to keep moving. If Mark decided not to say it, it was bad. Better than a Jew with another tattoo.

All right, there we go. Oh, my God. Good. What are you talking about? it, it was bad. Better than a Jew with another tattoo. All right, there we go. Oh, my God, good. What are you talking about? Oh, okay, okay. I'm trying to dial it back. That's a good line. Dial it back. When have we done that?

Yeah, good point. No, AC is interesting. Very good. Very good. There's a comic years ago I was doing, Looney's in Colorado Springs. Oh, I've been there. I heard you talk about it.

Yeah, with Nate. Yeah, and but the host, this comic Ella Gale, I think of this joke, I think of this joke once a week and certainly anytime

I have a gin. She goes, if you want to know what gin tastes like, just drink the water under the Christmas tree. Oh, I like that. I think about it

every time I have gin and I still like it but it's pretty apt. Yeah, there's always jokes that just live in your head. You know, you're in the show, you're like, oh, yeah, that Todd Berry joke. Like, I always think of this joke maybe once every four days. Like, whenever I see a guy with a neck tattoo, I always think, you forgot to not do that.

It's the weirdest joke, but I love it. That is so Todd. They go deep, yeah. They live in you. For whatever reason. That's just a perfect line. Gaffigan's got a few of those. Seinfeld's got a few.

Yeah, they just live there in your head. Nick Griffin's got so many of those. Oh, yeah. He's one of my favorite joke people. Yeah. So many. You hear his joke about, I don't know if I've said it on the pod, maybe I have, but about his, he talks about his divorce and he's like, I really did love my ex-wife.

And his friend goes, how do you know? He goes, what? I got to convince you too? Oh, that's killer. That's great killer that's a great joke killer your your cadence is easy is fun to do oh hey it goes in and so way hey comedy like my my son does it what around the house i was like listen you can watch this i'm not allowed near him yeah yeah comedy Yeah, comedy, we're doing it. My wife. Any Jews here? Too many. You know, like. Yeah.

I got a garbage guy. I drove, I was in Queens early. Garbage guy went, comedy, out of the truck. Yeah. I was like, yeah. I'm getting to the working man. Yeah. Like around the house of Joel, my son starts it.

And if my wife's there, like the younger daughters are there. It's like, you can do the start, but don't get to any of the actual jokes. Not around here. If you and your friends are doing it, sure, that's fine. But not around the nine-year-old. Hopefully you don't do it to her in bed. No. The Taurus.

We're really doing it. All right. We're doing it. Yeah, so wait. I might have some rugrats someday. What's the key? What's the advice? What would you say as a comedian?

Oh, yeah. You remember Mulaney's episode of Comedians in Cars? He so perfectly summarized it when Mulaney was being really like, I don't know. I don't know if I can do it. I can't do everything. And Seinfeld goes, they don't need all of that. They just need you.

And I think that's really out as just having like, cause I work the road, you know, just as much as any of us on the weekends. And you're like, but as long as you have a relationship with them. You say that like that's the easy part. The relationship is the hard part. Yeah.

The me being me. Yeah. The stuff I can give. Yeah. It's easier just to set like an old school road dog, send the hard part. Yeah. The me being me. Yeah. The stuff I can give. Yeah. It's easier just to set like an old school road dog, send the check home. Exactly. I had a girl on my show the other night and she was like, that was so good. And I was like, well, it's all downhill from here.

Yeah. Right. The other one's just hanging out. That's the one I'm good at. Yeah, exactly. The hanging out, that's the hard part. I don't know anything. I can't compare it because I only have done stand up as a dad.

Sure, sure. You know, so like that, when people are talking about- That's pretty ballsy. I know. Yeah. Three. Yeah. It was, well, like my wife's an artist and she gets like the-

Oh, that helps. For it, you know? And also like as a, I also make more money in comedy than I did at any meandering day. Oh, all right. It's not like I was killing it in life. Sure. I think it was more like, yeah, I was like the last job I had, I was middle managing at a rec center.

So she's like, yeah, I mean, might as well try comedy. That's a bad rec. Maybe this is the thing, you know? Great job. The fact that you're a clean comic must have helped early on. Because I knew comics early on I was jealous of. We knew those guys early on, they were just squeakyaky clean and they would book corporates and they would get gigs to the top and i would be like oh man i want to fucking do that but then i just said i want to

fucking do that so i can't do that yeah it definitely helped get money gigs early um it wasn't necessarily always like for i always say with like clean comedy like it's it oh it shuts you out of nowhere but it does open certain doors for you for sure still do any gig but what's annoying is the guys who like really market themselves as a clean comic and they're like I'm the clean comedy you know I won this clean comedy like if you can't be your whole brand you the goal is to find your act and like whatever you're writing it still has to work in the clubs like you have to be totally you gotta kill comic you have to be on the front lines of comic but when you can work

clean there you're like oh i got it i got a thing here i got you know so that helped and it did help me around because there were a couple big church comics that brought me out. Whoa. And they brought me out because I was clean, but I had no church jokes. So you didn't step on those. Exactly. There was no like, you ever show up late to church? Like, I got none of that. Everyone's giving you the eye. Church meet and greets.

Yeah. I got none of that. You ever not go to church? Yeah. That's my bit. Yeah. But I don't swear if that's what you want. There you go.

Yeah. Yeah. Which is huge. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah's what you want. There you go. Yeah, yeah, which is huge, yeah. Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah. That being said, there are some killers on there. Oh, sure, sure.

I thought he's old-tan. I think you know. Oh, I love Zoltan. He did a dry bar? Yeah. Oh, he's so underrated. I agree. Well, you go where the eyeballs are, and they have a big subscription base.

Right, right. Yeah, oh yeah, they're huge. There was this era in San Diego comedy when I started where Madhouse, which is where we first met. You probably don't even remember. I was hosting for you one weekend seven years ago. Oh, yeah, that was a tough room. Yeah, well, it was kind of on, it's like-

It's not a good name for a comedy club. Madhouse Comedy Club. Well, it was a great club. I's like. It's not a good name for a comedy club. Madhouse Comedy Club. Well, it was a great club. I'll be at the Cuckoo's Nest Comedy Club all weekend. Yeah, it is. Those are the loony bins. Yeah. It's not a good.

There are a lot of them out there. Also not in your room. No. Crackers, not a great name. Bonkers. Yeah, Bonkers. Oh, gosh, the Bonkers. Bonkers with a Z?

Bonkers with a Z. That's the infamous Joe List weekend. Yeah. What does that mean? Where Joe and I just fucking had a week of hell gigs. Wow. A lot of those casino gigs that I did in like Vegas, or that was when I started in Vegas, you're not even in Vegas.

You're in Prim. You're in Laughlin. And Pahrump, like all the borders towns. You just, yeah. Pahrump. You're just trying. Pahrump. Pahrump. It just sounds like a bummer. Yeah. And they just trying it sounds like a bummer yeah and they

just it's not a gig they just set up some tables in a side room you're like this is really this is really yeah i think i did that joke like this is named after the little drummer boy or whatever and uh but yeah those those those were brutal yeah the strip is sad until you're off the strip right right right this is fucking sad the strip can be fun I was in AC for one night and I was like that's great I had a great one night

it's a hooker you don't want to date it that's what's tough about those Vegas clubs though like I do Brad's club a lot and it's like a week seven days way too you get in Monday, you leave Monday. That's so cool. It's so many. And they put you up in a really nice room,

and the show is fun, but it's like, goodness gracious. That's way too long in Vegas. It gets real sad. That's why I never, I know a lot of guys who have gambling problems, real addictions, and I just couldn't, I like to gamble, but it's so sad in a casino That it keeps me From gambling

Well I do it Doing it alone is sad But when I'm with A bunch of people I'm kind of like I lost some money But it was entertainment That's true

Yeah you're paying For a night out The drinks Yeah Yeah those two vodka sodas So that was really worth The 900 I lost But the slot lady

And the respirator And the smoking And the old lady With the camo hat and the limp and the rascal. The tracheotomy. The fucking slot machine. The sad two mile walk back to your room. That's a long fucking walk. That can be bleak. The bad carpet.

Yeah. The ding, ding, ding, ding in the background. Brutal. I'll do Vegas once a year usually if I do Brad's Club, but I'll make a trip out of it. My family will come or something. It's just way, way too long. It probably keeps you from gambling too.

It's smart. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. And Vegas is like an entertainment city now, so there's enough for them to do. Sure, sure. But even then, you're like, I don't know if this is making it happier or sadder being here with my kids like oh yeah all that like all like the characters they're like why does elmo got stains on him that's what they come like here why is

pikachu crunchy yeah don't touch him yeah what they'll be like i'm out cookie monster yeah i remember one time it was right after the the dark knight rises the last one bane came out yeah and my son goes why is bane fat it's like a sad love handles bane because he didn't do his homework yeah so no as i said uh manhouse had this like era when i probably like was a few years into comedy where it was like a headliners club but it became a showcase club and i think it was in part because like the middles there were so strong oh really our class like they were coming up you would catch like it was uh it was me taylor thomason uh brian simpson uh derek poston like there was and then we also had guys like zoltan right headliners and it was

like a that's the nightmare when you're headlining. You have some local headliner who's middling. And if you're not selling tickets, they go up for 25 and you're in the back of the room like, I don't got this. That's why I bring Gary Vee around the road. He takes a nice little dive. And they got like 10 minutes on the city. Yes. Oh, no.

Any comic in Boston. Yeah. Just buries you. Yeah, I did a weekend at Tacoma Comedy Club with Dennis Regan years ago. Oh, yeah. Dennis is very funny. Funny guy. Some of my favorite jokes.

Classic, yeah. Yeah, and he goes, I was like, I'm from there. And he goes, you better not do any local crap up there. Like before it went up. And I get it now as the headliner. What's up with these homos in Revere? And they're like yeah all you have to do is say the name of a place totally part is when you go back to a city

enough times that you can do the local yeah there's a headline that's true that's kind of fucking that's nice i remember dennis reagan i've worked with him a few times yeah uh man he had a joke i loved on letterman where he goes uh my dad he had one of those reversible belts going up like on one side it was brown and the other side he would beat me with it just a great mystery and then the button is like i always preferred brown he's got uh he's got one of my favorite jokes too he goes talks about staying in a hotel and he goes uh yeah i i could hear the couple next to me in the room having sex and it just went on for so long. And it was so loud that finally I called down to the front desk.

And I was like, hey, like, it's a problem. Like, the couple next to me is having sex. And I can't hear the woman. Oh, that's great. That's good. But, yeah, I think we all have. I got like four minutes on each city now just from the road. But if I can't think of a bit about the city, I just go opioids.

Like, ah, you guys are all addicted to opioids. And it's such an epidemic that it works every time. It applies to everyone. Yeah, because everybody knows somebody on Oxycontin. Patrick? Hey, it's Utah. Oh, Utah. Happy Valley.

It's bad. Forget about it. In Salt Lake downtown, it's like a video game. You're literally like, this doesn't feel like real life. It's Meth Frogger. It really is. Yeah. There's a documentary called Happy Valley.

Called Meth Frogger? It's about the rich Utah housewives, how they all just had, you know, they're all strung out on opioids. Whoa. Damn. 5.1. And it's so textbook like you go to utah a lot of mormon blah blah blah but there's like one half of the audience is covered in tats crazy haircut piercings leather jacket the woman's got fake jugs crazy blonde dyed hair and you're like oh you guys were then you got out they all have to overcompensate. And the other half is still wearing their secret underwear.

Exactly. The dudes look like Sid Vicious, and then the still Mormons all look like Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock. It's crazy. Yeah, totally. Sheet white. The area called Draper is a little south. They call it Milf Mountain.

Ooh, I want to ski there. Holy hell, Milf Mountain. Yeah. You guys watching Milf Manor? What's that? I want to ski there holy hell MILF mountain yeah you guys watching MILF manor what's that oh I don't want to tell you

you'll never come back the show will have to end what is it it's just a new Bravo show that's about MILFs trying to get laid and they're all old

this is literally they did a thing on 30 Rock about this remember did they it was like a joke. Hilarious. Oh, this is real.

Milf Island? Yeah. Milf Island, yeah. This is the same shit. Incredible. Holy shit. See, they're all divorced and horny. I wasn't married for 14 years.

I want to get a chance to do me a little. Young men have much more energy. See, they want the young boys. See, they're all horned up. Yeah. Was that going somewhere? No, I just wanted to confirm that fact. What's going on here?

Someone said it sounds exactly like Nikki Glaser, and the guy who does deepfake put her face on. No way. no way damn wow yeah this show is fun because I hate these dumb reality shows my lady watches all of them but this one I'm like put it on that's on Disney Plus

that'd be great if they just made a total shift. It's mom's based. It's BET. Oh, there it is. Porno. Oh, porno. Abort, abort. All right, I can't find it.

Pull it up. Abort, abort. Woo. Yeah. Cracking. Any peeves, guys? Oh, I had a good one. Oh, yeah.

Hold on. Oh, wow. Do you have a Oh, I had a good one. Oh, yeah. Hold on. Oh, wow. Do you have a list? I had one today. I brought this up to my wife like two days ago. I was like, do I have any? And she just laughed so loud. She's like, you're irritated by everything.

Totally. I have like categories of them. But you can go first if you want. No, no, you go. I'm noodling. I want to get your guys' take on this one because this is like an ongoing debate in the Nickerson household is AirPod rules. When you should and shouldn't have a min around other people. Because it drives me crazy when you're with somebody and they have one in.

Or you see right now a lot of employees have the min. Yeah. And it's like very old school like boomer dad of me like you give me the good customer service that I deserve. Yes. But you'll be like checking into a hotel right but really what bothers me in like conversation where you're like am i not good enough for you yeah is that that's what it feels like to me i was like do you do you have to have a soundtrack to me yes like all right i got a podcast in this year but then if dustin says anything interesting maybe i'll take it out did you have that bit about if

you take one out that's like sometimes people give people will give you one ear, you know, but they won't give you both. Oh, that's funny. Somebody has that bit. They'll give you a chance. Yeah, exactly. Similarly, people will do the thing where they'll just be on their phone all the time and then they kind of chime in when they want to. It's a similar energy of like, you're not important enough for my full attention.

I know two guys in my head who do that all the time at the cellar. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Every time. They sit at the table and they want to be in the group, but they'll just wait until something pops up that they care about or they can say something about and then they go back. Yeah.

It's probably an insecurity and my need to be liked and all, but I'm like, come on. It also might just be like a, with that guy, it might be like an ADD thing where they just can't focus. Right. I get it. I mean. I have i have add but my insecurity weighs it out and my my people pleaser cancels that out yeah i'm with you i need you to like me and i want to know that you like me so uh how about what if you what if you're going for like a coffee would you have one in or no i'll take it out when i order that's what i do yeah yeah same that that's that but like you know if you're shopping or whatever you're walking that's great

that's fine you know i walked around the city earlier today that's fantastic but as soon as i want to talk to somebody it just feels feels really rude to me no i'm with you what about a run-in on the street with someone what do you what do you give them it does it depend on how close you are yeah that's a good one. I think one ear is customary. Easily. You've got to give them at least one ear. You've got to do one. Like our relationship, I would take them both out for you.

I'd do one ear for you. We're closer. I know you better. We text about sports more. All right, I've got to work up to that ear. You know what else is bad? When somebody's jogging or something, they see you, but they keep jogging in place so you're like oh this won't last long yeah you know they're not gonna break their stride for me maybe that's maybe it's a nice thing that they stop because they

that's true they could have just given you the wave and kept going that's good point it is annoying when you work out and you see someone you know that's true like that's the worst like the work center i used to work at like we still have membership there and i'll do shifts based on when i my friends aren't there because i'm like ah they're just gonna want to talk to me and catch up and stuff like that and you're like i don't know you need places to zone out especially exactly us being expected to be on all the time you need places yeah right you don't want to be irritable yeah hey funny guy like i don't want to do this oh yeah brutal but we play hoops in the rec center like every day on the road.

And it's like how we- I heard you bought shoes for the guys, right? Incredible. Giannis. And then I willed this to happen by buying the shoes. Yeah. I willed this into existence. I dream it into existence.

He was bummed I wasn't, by the way, breaking news here. I don't know if this is going to get picked up by Bleacher Report, but he asked me, Giannis asked me, he goes, are you a Bucs fan? I said, I'm not. I'm a Knicks fan. I said, but I do love your team. I really respect you guys. And he goes, he was like this, and he goes, well, you never know next time I'm a free agent

where I might end up. And I was like, dude, don't do this to me. Don't you fucking do this. Do you want to be on a losing team for 25 years? We're fucking five seed right now. We're the five seed. Put some respect on our team.

Yeah. Oof. If Giannis were Nick right now, we're the best team in the NBA. I mean, that applies to a lot of NBA teams. Yeah, but it's true. Not the Sonics. Oh. So sad. But again, if Giannis said, I'm signing in Seattle, I might be a team man. Not the Sonics. Oh. Oh, so sad.

So sad. But again, what if Giannis said, I'm signing in Seattle? You're never going to get a team back. That's true. That's how good he is. Damn, never get that ear, is that what he said? If he held out. Yeah, that's done. We're done here.

If he held out, he said, I won't play until Seattle is a team. They'll have a fucking team tomorrow. Oh. Yeah. That's probably what it takes, right? Because it's like of a lot of our old guys. They're like our old coach, like George Carll and they're like yeah nobody cares about that you know yeah john yannis could do it so i gotta peeve yeah tell me my grocery store

it's one of these like uh hippie dippy places and every time i ring shit up they go do you have a bag and i go no and they go and they like look pissed, how dare you? So then I have to buy a bag. But I'm like, I'll just buy the bag. What's the problem? But they want me to bring the canvas tote in. And so they shame me every time for buying a bag. What place is this? Morton Williams on Bleecker.

Suck it, Morty. Yeah. Another overpriced. So overpriced. You know what bugs me about the Morton Williams, Dustin, I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but anyone who's lived here long enough knows, the Morton Williams, the D'Agostinos, the Gristidis. Oh, D'Agostinos.

They're all shitty grocery stores, and they all cost more than Whole Foods. That's right. They're like, Gristidis is like filthy. So worse and more expensive. Yes. Great. It's awful. Filthy.

Yeah, it's a good business strategy. Yeah. Yeah, and here they are again, shout out. Pull up the guy who owns Gristidis. Filthy. It's a good business strategy. Yeah. Yeah. And here they are again. Shout out. Pull up the guy who owns Gristiti's. Look at this guy, John Casamatiti's. Weird looking fella.

Wow. You know the guy's name? That's crazy. Yeah. He did a mayoral run for a minute. What? Whoa. Oh my gosh.

Yeah. It's not John. Casamatiti's is way better looking. That guy looks like a Will Ferrell character. Oh, Casamatiti's. Yeah. Casamatiti's. What is it Oh, Cassamedes. Yeah. Cassamedides. What is it?

Cassamedides. Wow. C-A-T-S-A-M-E-D-I-S. So you know what it is? We used to have neighborhoods where, like, that was your grocery store. So you kind of had to go there. But now we have options. But they're still hanging on with these overpriced. Whoa.

That looks like a melted eraser. Holy hell. Oh, it got worse somehow. Jesus. He's got a bee sting. Yeah. That's what I was going for. Incredible.

But he's rich, so you know that he gets some. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Holy shit. Put them side by side. Wow. Who would you rather have go down on you? Oh, I'll take the fish.

Jesus Christ. Wow. No way. Damn. Ouch. I don't like those kind of jokes. Why is it called the Jew fish how do you spell it the Jew fish

damn I thought that was the salmon or the white fish that's more Jewish right gefilte imagine this guy's dirty talk check out this fresh produce don't forget to lick the bag there we go hey i don't understand like i'll come to you know

new york been here like 15 times or whatever but i don't know that i don't know like i'll walk around i'm like where are the schools like you know like where do you play catch they play catch with your son? I know you didn't have a dad, so it doesn't apply to you. They're tucked in. It is weird. There'll be like a bodega, a high school, and then like a toilet. Yeah.

Like a Home Depot or something. Yeah, I don't know how just normal domestic life functions here. There's a shitload of basketball courts. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. But that always bugged me, the people who played catch on the court, because they take up the whole fucking court. That's true. It is a selfish move. Baseball's a big game. There's no way to get some grass.

We need this court. Well, you got Central Park, Washington Square Park, Madison Square Park, Riverside Park, Bryant Park. What's the one in Brooklyn, the big one? Prospect Park. There's a lot of parks. Let's get eight parks. So many parks. You just got to know where they are.

You'll find them. Yeah, let's play in the street. I got a peeve. All right. The guy who tries to make you let you know that he's happy, even though you know he's miserable. That is a peeve for me. Just fucking own it.

It's a longer story that I'll tell another time, but a guy I met in AC was starting shit with us at the tables and he was like i got a family i was like where are they yeah right where are they you're at the table losing money right next to me you ain't better than me bro i got a family what is that people do that i got a family okay that's the make you happy the menendez brothers had a family yeah not everyone's happy yeah that could really go either way like i'm is that saying you're happy or you're sad oh good boy he was saying as in he's fulfilled and we were okay yeah clearly yeah yeah he's an ac

yeah good lord fucking loser i got it got heated? I mean, I'll tell you what happened. Oh, please do. Did you take their college money? Well, it was Blackjack, so no. But the dealer did. Okay. And no, what happened, he just kind of kept starting shit. And he was like, you know, he kept saying annoying. She was hammered.

He was like a fat. Like antagonistic? Yeah. And he was kind of a fat, annoying, fake, jolly, happy, you know, but he was like a fat antagonistic yeah and he was kind of a fat annoying fake jolly happy you know but he was like miserable

sure and he was kind of making sarcastic comments every time and then and then at one point I get I bust on five cards

I get like I think I had like it's like the fifth card I got like 22 or something what a run and he goes my grandpa Charlie

they call he'd talk like that he's from Syracuse but he's a southern accent my grandpa Charlie they call he'd talk like that he's from Syracuse but he's a southern accent my grandpa Charlie he said on a five car they called him

five car Charlie and they said if you know if you get five cars you ought to win anyway and I turned to the dealer and I go well five car Charlie

says so and I think we should rewrite the casino book what do you say and he was pissed at that because I was hammered I was half in the bag yeah he was but he would. I was hammered. I was in the, I was half in the bag. Yeah.

He was, but he would have been annoying before that. And then. I do declare. And then he starts getting more and more annoyed. And he, and he, he gives him like,

Oh, I'm Syracuse. He keeps bragging. He keeps bragging. He's from Syracuse. That's worse than the family flag. Yeah. I was like,

dude, I'm fucking hammered. So I just say, Syracuse is a fucking dump and everyone at the table laughs yeah not wrong and he goes you've just never been there i said dinosaur barbecue i start naming people i've been there multiple times i was like and to tell you how not prejudiced i am i think buffalo and rochester are pretty cool yeah everyone's like people people at the table are side with me a lot of them were there with me. That's how crappy Atlantic City is

is that you can crap or like you can or how crappy Syracuse is that you can be in Atlantic City and be like, that place is a dump. I know.

Like to be in the trash, bad mouthing a worse trash. Incredible. Well, then he goes, where are you from? And I said, New York City. And he goes,

I'm from Syracuse. You fucking loser. so it keeps getting more and more heated then I was with a woman at the table very pretty woman and he goes he tries to like

high five us after a hand and he'd been rude so we were just like fuck it we were just like ignore him and he goes

I've never had this happen in all my blackjack years and she says and then he bought a slave. I'm getting the vapors. We're annoyed by him. So he goes... He says, I've never had this happen.

And she goes, really? A woman has never asked you not to touch her? And that gets a huge... Oh, good. That's a funny line. You're crushing him. And then he goes, he calls her ugly oh and and i was like dude she's i said i'm hammer so i don't i'm out of my wittiest i go you have four chins

you fat fucking syracuse uh crease creature is what i say oh boy and people are like okay and then she and i was like she's not unattractive at all she's very pretty and he goes he goes well she's ugly on the inside i was like well that's not important to me i was like that's that's fine with me and it keeps going and it keeps going and it just it's like all night and i was like this is a fucking we're just like fighting with this guy on and this is this is the low point i'll tell you the low point he keeps coming at me and by the way i didn't even notice your danger field shirt. I fucking love it. Whoa, that's killer. But I say, I turn to one point. After he said the comment about her looks, I'm wasted.

So I turn to my tour manager and I say, Brian, I say, what if I just sucker punch this motherfucker? And he goes, it's a casino. It doesn't matter that you just sold a lot of tickets here. They will arrest you. And I turn and I pause and I go, but it'd be good press, right? And he goes, it would be good press yeah this is who's guiding my career i might sell tickets in other markets because of this yes losing atlantic city i can already see the funny other headline funny man takes a gamble i'm getting handcuffed i was like, five car Charlie would be okay with this. I do declare.

That's him making fun of New York thing or hating it. That's actually another peeve of mine. I hate when you tell someone where you're from or a city you like, and then they just tell you they don't like it. I did do that to him in his defense. Well, Syracuse, no defense. Syracuse, come on. But he wasn't saying how much he liked. My favorite city to go to is San Francisco.

I love SF. I love SF. Anytime you go to, it's exactly, people do that. They go, oh, what a dump. Oh, well, don't go. Right. It's not for you then. Yeah.

We're not actively seeking more people in our city. Yeah. Right. I live in California. A bunch of people left. Everyone's leaving. You're like, good. That's our main problem. Too many people. When is New York the best? When it's kind of

dead. Right. Oh, yeah. Pandemic, baby. Really? I loved it. No traffic. You loved what? New York City and the pandemic. Yeah. Really? The city was ours. There were no tourists. Less senior citizens. You heard it here.

Matt Salicus loved when all the family businesses were struggling. He hates nursing homes. Thank you. Quit bragging. Yeah, big time. A woman asked me where I was from, and I said New York. And she goes, ah. Whoa.

You know, it's right there by Louisiana she's like what about the politics I'm like who cares that's what's funny about living in San Diego though is people will like hate on California and they're like ah you know liberals, socialists, communists, whatever and then they go where do you live in California

San Diego and they go we love San Diego you do kind of get a different reputation. Yeah you get a pass why is it it's a little purple there well yeah because it's a big navy town and so it is

a good kind of like that might be why it's the best comedy city it's such a good comedy city I mean SF crowds are good

LA crowds are good yeah as long as you're not like if it's your people in LA they're great but it's you know the random pop ups can be whatever it's a good mix of if it's your people in LA, they're great. But it's, you know, the random pop-ups can be whatever. It's a good mix of people.

It's a party city, but not there. They don't get offended easily? No, not at all. It's very laid back. It's like, it's because it's a beach town that's a city. Yes. So it's like a city and everyone's chill and unmotivated. But still hot somehow.

Yeah, it's a city full of part-time lifeguards is what I would say. It's like they're all content because they're like, well, what more could I aspire to than to live here? So there's no like big companies there. There's no like world-changing entrepreneurs from there. They're just like, no, I'm just a longboard of the beach, baby. They don't have that pretension of L.A. that like I'm an actor and all that. I'm a big shot. What do you drive? They don't have any of that there because they're from there. Everybody in actor and all that. I'm a big shot. What do you drive?

They don't have any of that there because they're from there. Everybody in LA is not from there. Nobody's from there. Yeah. Everybody moves there and gets a Dodgers hat and you're like, all right. Right. Spare me. Yeah, but San Diego.

Unfortunately, it is a cool logo. It's a great logo. It's a great logo. Pull it up. It is, yeah. Dodgers logo is a good logo. Who can have a logo, though? The LA, it looks good.

I mean, it's a classic. Second only to the Cleveland Indians. All right. That's a solid logo. Those are classics. I do like good logo. Who gave it a logo, though? The LA? It looks good. I mean, it's a classic. Second only to the Cleveland Indians. All right, that's a solid logo. Those are classics. I do like the logo. But I don't, yeah, no, I hate that, too. Yeah, it's nobody's, when you have a- Yeah, it's a good hat.

Yeah. Well, you have in LA- I think it's a check on the New York one, that interlocking NY for the Yankees. The New York one's better. Yeah, I'd say so. This is a little square. It's a little- As a non-biased person,

I'll call them equals. There you go. I think that they are, you know, I have no skin in the game here. Oh, that's a beauty. Mets are a great logo. Both.

Yankees and Mets. Fantastic logos. That's a, New York's fucking winning that. Come on. My favorite, again, I have no skin in the game here.

I heard Giannis might play for the Nets. There we go. Don't you dare. All right. I heard Giannis might play for the Nets. There we go. Don't you dare. All right. I like, there's some great hockey logos, too. I like the San Jose Sharks. That was a classic. Yeah, like the Penguins.

Roy Wood used to always, because of the colors, Roy Wood told me he used to always wear Charlotte Hornets gear as a kid. Hornets gear, yeah. Oh, it was baby blue. It was gang neutral colors. He always said to me. Yeah, I like a shark biting a hockey stick. Hey, ZocDoc.

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That's prettylitter.com slash drunk to save 20%. pretty first order that's pretty litter.com slash drunk to save 20 pretty litter.com slash drunk oh yeah that in the mugsy teams that was a weird era of dudes dressing like women that no one cared wait what grandma yeah pull up grandma rodman rodman dresses a woman oh the wedding dress wedding dress yeah grandma this was LJ's alter ego. I forgot. I've met LJ a few times. He was on Sports Illustrated for kids. Oh, I remember that. Wow.

He did it on an episode of Family Matters. That's right. Wow. Incredible. It was LJ. And Urkel can kind of hoop. Yeah. Oh, Jaleel White, yeah.

He's doing that. Ellen's kind of. And then Penny Hardaway had those. That's right. Oh, there's them together. Incredible. This is my whole childhood. And then Ellen came out on those. That's right. Oh, there's them together. Boy, this is my whole childhood. And then Ellen came out on ABC a couple years later, very ahead of the curve. Madea.

Great Shane Gillis joke. I watched Hidden Figures. Is it Hidden Figures? Yeah. And he goes, or as my dad calls it, Madea goes to space. Oh, my God. god damn he's funny damn i love it yeah jabbar did did an episode of full house too did someone that's right larry johnson there yeah there's some family matter scandals out there too like the eddie guy the kid who played Eddie, he killed somebody. What? Oh, my God.

Eddie? Yeah, in real life. One of the daughters was in porn. Yeah, one of the daughters was in porn. What? Jaleel White had some problems with, like. How did I miss all this? Yeah, it was the 90s.

You know, there wasn't the internet. What did Jaleel White do? He just, you know, he's, like, all fucked up because Urkel, like, he can't get a gig. Whoa. All right, Sally. Careful there. What is with all the porn searching today, Sally? It got to porn so fast.

Yeah. He's a good Christian comedian over here. What the hell are you doing to this guy? He's working on the, yeah, of course. Was that weird getting those Christian, because you probably got a lot of, you're doing like arenas, right? There were some ones that were like, and I was like so new into comedy, and they were like,

so we're doing Grand Canyon University today. I was like, okay, I don't know what that is. And you're walking in like it's 7,000 people. Whoa. And you're like, I'm like four years in. Oh, wow. Which maybe was good to be that blissfully naive to it, you know, and you just walk out and you're like,

oh my gosh, this is gigantic. That's insane in the early the early years yeah to do that yeah it was uh i was very fortunate in that way and like i got to be a pro faster because of that sure yeah i don't i don't love the arena gig i'm not i don't either a little too echoey you know the best one i did i did fully loaded one weekend and we did the kfc in Louisville. That was great. That's a great room. Yeah. We did that once.

Yeah, it was super fun. But all the other ones you're like. I love comedy in Louisville, though. You don't love it? I like Louisville. If I'm in Lexington, if I'm in Kentucky, I prefer Lexington. Yeah. Have you done the new club?

Norwest opened a new one. I did. It's all right. It was a bit of a heckle fest. A lot of booze. It was a heckle fest. It was. A lot of hooting and hollering. Klingu was a weird city.

It's two most iconic figures are Muhammad Ali and the KFC guy. And George Clooney. Yeah, there you go. And Diane Sawyer. He's Lexington. Yeah. Who? Again, this is a weird mix of people.

All over the map. All over the map. Which makes sense of why the grounds would be so weird. I believe Johnny Depp. Ronan Hershberg? Yeah. Ronan's got the best joke about that, about being a Jew from Kentucky.

And people always say, well, how did that happen? He goes, when my grandparents fled the Holocaust, they weren't picky. That's a great joke. That's a good line. No, Lexington's great, though.

There's like a good energy in the air. Good energy there, yeah. I mean, on Broadway, that one club. Great club. Hidden gem. Classic. Yeah, it's one of those old school clubs. Great guy. They used to do a lot of cocaine in these clubs. energy there yeah i mean on broadway that one great club classic yeah it's

one of those old school clubs i used to do a lot of cocaine in these clubs oh yeah it's in the wood you can feel it yeah well that's a classic room and uh the cool thing about kentucky is whatever bar you're in even comedy clubs you're like i'll have an ocean aged scotch or something like whatever yeah they have like amazing whiskey not scotch bourbon, whatever. But they have great whiskey menus. They have like the way, like a diner menu, but for whiskey. Right. Right.

That's their thing there. Bourbon, horses, a little bit of racism. A hint. At least there's some racial tension. You think? Yeah. Oh. In Kentucky?

I don't know this anymore. Well, having Louisville in the middle of Kentucky, it's kind of like Atlanta in the middle of Georgia. It's like this is like an iconic city, and the rest of the state is really upset about a black little mermaid. It's weird for to have it that way. Join the club. Yeah, I prefer outside of Atlanta, personally.

Better than a Jewish mermaid. You guys can't fuck with shellfish. Hey. I prefer outside of Atlanta, personally. Better than a Jewish mermaid. You guys can't fuck with shellfish. In fact, Kentucky was neutral during the Civil War. Neutral. Like Switzerland. Or Charlotte Hornet jacket. So nobody liked them.

We had the Hornets for 10 minutes in New Orleans. So both sides. Just, yeah. There you go. Imagine being neutral. Just imagine being, it's like the Seinf New Orleans. Yeah, so both sides. Just, yeah. There you go. Imagine being neutral. Just imagine, it's like the Seinfeld episode, I choose not to race. Right, right. It's almost more offensive to be like, ah, I don't really care one way or the other about humans owning humans.

I'm neutral on that one. Hmm. I don't know. I kind of like it. Did they set up Kentucky as like, you know, like in tag, they have base? Oh, yeah. It's Kentucky base. You're like, you can't fight here.

We're safe in this area. We all have coffee here. Right. Yeah. It seems like good living. Like every time I go to Lexington, I'm like, maybe I'll buy a place here. This is not Rolling Hills. I mean, I won't, but it just seems nice.

It's quiet. Nobody bothers you. It's unassuming. It's one of those places the plane ticket is always way too expensive that's true they know that you won't need to get there that's right you have to cheat the system maybe flying to cincinnati or do some right yeah there's some weird taint dick balls asshole stuff going on with ohio and kentucky you fly in ohio but you go to kentucky or you fly into kentucky you go to ohio it's all wacky over there ohio i mean it's easy for you guys but coming from the west like anytime you do like hilarities you're like this is this is more challenging than it should be but same thing no one knows you're just like i'm going to cleveland

for vacation oh no you have to go i will say these days we usually if we go east to west don't you leave a day early usually? I never do. Really? I can't do it. I've been doing it just because I don't want to, especially if I have two shows that night, I don't want to travel. I don't want to do a six-hour flight and then do two shows. I want to make sure I'm on my game.

Yeah. So I will try to fly in the night before. I get it, but I have this happy, fulfilled life as a father. I got a family. I got a family. I got a family. It reminds me of something Granddad Charlie once said to me. He said, a man is not fulfilled. My family back in Syracuse.

I got to spend every second with them. He did have a fat face. It was a funny face. He was so outraged when I called him fat. I'm picturing the D'Agostino's owner in my head. He did kind of look like that. Oh, wow. That's lovely.

I kind of saw something like that, too. He also was way younger than he looked. Oh, that's really good. He had a haggard fucking look. He lived a life, yeah. That's one of the things that hurts the most in internet comments when people call you old. Yeah.

I don't know if you guys get that, but I do. And it stings. I had one. Well, they probably just think you're old because you're probably my age. But it's. I'm 38. How old are you?

Oh, I'm 36. The stash, the glasses, your dad. Well, I did like a joke about like being a millennial. People are like, this guy's the oldest millennial in history. This guy, this guy. These are horribly tame. I get way worse at this. It got worse.

Yeah. I'm talking F word, N word, R word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just what you're saying. Yeah. I'm writing my own comments. word, R word Yeah, that's just what you're saying Yeah I'm writing my own comments Somebody had to caption that Somebody had to create a graphic that came up on that No, but

I had one day where it was just like A video went pretty big and everyone was just telling me how ancient I look And then The internet, like Lord Algorithm, blessed me And they put up Soder's old clip Of saying he was 29. And then I immediately went to the comments. And because Soder's a good looking dude.

Oh, yeah. And they were like. Buzz Lightyear. They're like. Is that what you say? Buzz Lightyear? That's funny. Yeah, yeah.

And the top comment was, this guy's been 29 for 10 years. Oh. And then the one under that goes, this guy's 29 the way Brittany Griner is a female. Damn. And I was like, this made me feel so good. Well, she is a female. Yeah. But just to read them and go like, all right, this is just what it's like out here.

People say don't read the comments, but that's easier to do when you're big and successful. When you're starting, you're like, there's two comments. But you know what? You do sometimes get a bit at it. Sometimes I laugh when I read it. Sometimes it's an insult to me and I fucking laugh. Oh, you post them sometimes.

I like to post them too. Yeah, yeah. It's cathartic. Someone wants comedy. He looks like George Clooney's failed clone. Oh, that's good. That's solid.

That's pretty fucking funny. That's true. That's true. Actually, the opening bit on my special Runs of the Family villain on YouTube is about cyberbullying

and someone called me like this guy is an uglier, less funny Ned Flanders. Oh, wow. And that's the opening joke about cyberbullying. And it was someone called me like, this guy is an uglier, less funny Ned Flanders. And that's the opening joke about cyberbullying. I was like, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. Flanders is funny. Flanders is a funny one to hit.

Yeah. The reference is everything. Yeah. I used to get a lot of Michael Phelps with Down syndrome. That was a big one. Yeah. I got. Michael Phelps.

What? Yeah. I had one that said I looked like a really sleepy Donnie Wahlberg. And I was like, that's already the less attractive Wahlberg. And then why you gotta add sleepy? You know. They gotta have some zing. You're a tedious Daniel Baldwin. Tedious is so funny.

Because otherwise he's quite pleasant. One time I got Shia La-ugh. That's good. That's good for a comment. i wouldn't even know how to write that yeah yeah he put a dash in there that works so people said uh on our subreddit that you look like eddie canter i see it a little i could definitely see it yeah i see it who's he oh my by the way the guy who guy who founded reddit hosted this benefit last night. Stop it. Wow. That's a billionaire right there, right?

I know. I got my first big laugh shitting on him. Oh. What was it? You're ruined. Your algorithm is ruined now. I said, he brought me on stage. He was very nice.

And he did a great job hosting, actually. He was heartfelt, but also self-deprecating. I was like, oh, he did a good job. So I go up immediately. I go, hey, man, thank you so much for finding Reddit reddit without you how would i know i'm an unfunny one eyebrow dipshit and i got a huge pop oh my god that was the first joke that was the first and there's such a relief yeah and when those weird gigs you're like oh if i get a good one early they told us not to curse too so it was just like my first line is dipshit and they got

a big laugh i was like i'm cursing yeah i tested the waters yeah if you kill they never care they never yeah i've been told that a million times you do that sometimes with those gigs where you send out some feelers like you're like when you like crap on the company or like a city or something like that and you're like you like that one because i got a worse one behind me right i got something even meaner here but if you give me this one but they always want you to shit on it because you go go into your, Uber's weird, and they're like, yeah, all right, all right. But then you go, hey, Bob's a douche.

They're like, yes, Bob! Talk about Bob! Yeah, we hate Bob. It's so weird and foreign for you to be talking about yourself in a setting like that. Of course. You're like, yeah, so I got kids. They're like, I don't even know who you are. You keep it going.

You're like, Bob's a weird looking guy. Everyone's cheering. You're like, and I heard he sexually assaulted some employees. You're like, what? You're too far. Listen, I've done some crowd work at corporates that I'm not proud of. Really? Give us some.

Well, you know, you just find the thing that they like. You're trying to get into a bit usually, like if you can. But like you say, you're like, oh, this guy. uh like if you can but like you say you're like oh you know this guy and with the what i found is good is if you can uh get the lower plate employees if you can get them and realize that you're on their side not the boss or the corporate like i did one it was like like a winery and it was for some tech company and like i came in i don't even remember exactly what the jokes were but i was like hey one thing i got common with with you guys is I'm not getting paid enough either. And we all I did a Norman voice, apparently.

I was like, I like that one. It was a good way to get in. And like the boss, he's rich. He laughs. He doesn't care. I am treating him like crap, but it doesn't matter. So there are things like that where you're just like, this is just survival. I just have to hit my time-h i had some bad every man line though to get everyone on board

dude i did a i did a like uh early on i got i had a gig where a guy's like hey i got like a company party in my house and i was like okay and he's like i don't have like a sound system though could you bring it and i was like i guess and it was like for like 400 but i was new yeah and he's like okay go set it up there on that side of the pool and they'll all be on the other side oh no and he's like you do like 25 30 and i was like okay fine i was really new all i had was material i didn't know how to survive in a gig like that and i bombed for a solid 30 i mean not like people kind of just went back to partying yeah i just just kept going on because I was like, I gotta do my time. And I was just like looking

at the sound system that I brought. I was like, I want to jump into the water with these. And then I ended the gig and then I had to tear down the equipment and like take it back up to my car. I just picture you doing like the Bill Murray and Rushmore just collapsing.

That's exactly what you want to do, yeah. And the guy like didn't look at me when he gave me the money he just kind of like looked away and gave me some cash that was a lot of that early on and then Handy like crumpled up money and they'd be like here yo real quick I'm like this isn't illegal you don't have to be so weird about this

what I did did feel illegal I didn't want anyone to know about it didn't you get fired from a corporate gig like halfway through the gig? Yeah, a few of them. I've fucked up every corporate gig almost I've ever had. But two of them were really like, it shook me. I was traumatized for a day or two. But one, I've told this story a million times.

I'll give you the quick version. A guy sent me the seller. He goes, come to my company, hedge fund. We do it upstate. I'll pay for your train ticket. It's a zillion dollar hedge fund. I get there, it's Ferraris, Lamborghinis, the whole thing in the driveway. And it's like white tablecloth.

All the waiters are just serving champagne. Everybody's loaded. Right. And the guy gave me a rap sheet. And he goes, I want you to be vicious. And I go, you got it. So I go up and I'm like, hey, kenneth everybody knows you're gay and his wife's there she's like i knew it you know she leaves in a huff and i'm like oh that was weird all right

and then i'm like hey richard hey we all know you got a coke problem when you go in that break room we know what's happening and he's like shut the fuck up and you know his nose is bleeding or whatever and i just did that with like eight people and eventually the guy just went boom and that made that feedback. He just took the mic from you. He just took the mic and goes, all right, we're good. Okay, we hit the band or whatever. Did they pay you?

He did not want to pay me. I remember he had a cigar in his mouth. He was like, just take it and get out of here. Just get out. And I was like, I did what you asked. Fuck him. Oh, yeah. He was like a big, fat, rich guy.

The problem is when they see you at your best. Yes. Yep. In the right best. Yes. Yep. In the right environment. Right. Where everything aligns. They assume that's just how it always goes. Right, right.

That happened to me once. I remember at Eastville, these guys were like, booked me for a gig. And it was a gig in Bridgeport where I got chased off stage. But they booked me being like, well, I mean, if you're this good here, I'm like, what, on a Saturday night in a comedy club? Yeah, yeah, yeah. For 12 minutes for 12 minutes yeah you think i'm gonna crush in a weird fucking part of connecticut right it's not how it works not how it works yeah they always think they want comedy they don't want comedy they don't want to sit and listen to your kids you know like they don't care about that my observations on life around us they don't want any of that they picture everyone laughing and

then being like wow i brought this guy i'm the man that's what they picture but it's not that that happened to me i got booed off a stage at a college whoa and it was they booked me they're like i love you you're great stuff and we'll see and it was this like tiny you know a lot of these college gigs you're like i'm not even a real place i really don't anymore because yeah when's the last time you did a college it's been years ago for This was years ago for me, too. Yeah, this was probably. I mean, I did it when I started out. Yeah, this was probably seven years ago. And it was like day 13 on the road for me, which is a long time. Like, I don't stay out that long.

Yeah, that's a doozy as a dad. And yeah, it was. And I was like. Yeah, tits. Yeah. And then I was like, I had like a, I had like an infection on like a cut. I was like sick, too. And I was like, all right, but this is the last gig I have to do.

And it's in like in the middle of nowhere, West Virginia. Driving through and there's all like, I saw multiple garages that doors that had been painted as Confederate flags. Oh, wow. Which is a big statement. Not just the flag. Yeah, yeah. It was like a guy came into that town and was like, this is a service I could offer.

And six of the homes all said, yeah, that's exactly what I'm looking for. Is there any party after the 14th one where you're like, I'll just say the N-word just to get them on my side? Yeah, just to get them on my side. Just to get it going. I don't believe any of this, but all things to all people here. A kill's a kill. I'm pissed about the Civil War, too. I'm not happy either.

I thought it was about states' rights. It wasn't even about slavery, right? Exactly. Just pander. I think Abe Lincoln was a pussy. You drop a hint, this is a cotton-picking good time. You know what I mean? All right.

So I go. One too many. All right, one too many. You're all right. You're all right. Good teacher. Really seems to care. That's its own pod with just you

one too many by the way there's one of my favorite things about this pod is when you guys go to your sponsors my favorite one

is when you go you'll be like hey are you guys you know we all need therapy you know we all we got some problems

in our life you need to talk someone in your life you got problems and then anyways use promo code drunk

for therapy which is like it's's what's right on. Oh, yeah. There's a market that that's exactly what they want to hear. You got that right. They're not going to forget it. It is ridiculous. We've also like health ones.

Hilarious. Like athletic greens. It's like promo code. Oh, yeah. We have a lot of ones where we're like, yeah, I don't know if this is. But that's like made me, it's made me more healthy. Yeah, we need it. Who needs it more than us?

Yeah. Booze bags. We need the greens. It's a great promo code. We made me more healthy. Yeah, we need it. Who needs it more than us? Yeah. Booze bags. We need the greens. It's a great promo code. We should make a healthy therapy. An athletic green cocktail. Yeah. I don't know how that's going to taste, dude.

That's why we got the mixologist. Sure. Dustin, I know you're a bored dad because you listen to the commercials too on the pod. Yeah. I do too. Oh, really? Yeah. I'm like, I eat all this. I'll take two AirPods out for two of the kids. I've never heard us do the pod. Yeah. I eat all this. Oh, really? Yeah. I'm like, I eat all this.

I'll take two AirPods out for two of the kids. I've never heard us do the ads. Obviously we do, but I've never, I don't think I've ever, I don't listen to the pod. That one just caught me.

I don't either. Full disclosure, I was fast forwarding, but that was the last one and I just heard, therapy, use promo code drunk. Yeah.

Fantastic. Good time. So wait, so what happened to college? Oh, yeah, yeah. So it's like the classic college gig where it's not really even a show. They're just like, hey, you're going to go up here at six. And I walk in and there's like one table and like two kids kicking a soccer ball in the back of this room.

Jesus. And they're like, so you go on. And you're like, oh, do I have to? It seems like nobody wants this. And what I didn't know was class got out at 6 15 or no class got out at 605 and we were in like the cafeteria so people started coming in about 5 10 minutes into my set and but they're way far away from me they're like 25 yards away from me ordering the side of a campus pool yeah exactly yeah ordering their dinner. And all I can hear is like the sandwich lady being like, Sam, turkey on rye. That's all like it's not happening. Yes, yes. It's a non-gig. And I looked at, like, I started talking to the table.

And I was like, oh, they're trying to do anything to survive. And she was like, why are you talking to us? I was like, oh, well, there's like a comedy show here. And there are three girls studying. And they go, we didn't ask for this. Oh. And I go, you're right. You didn't.

I'm in your study space right here. And I'm just like, but what's happening is a lot of kids, probably like 70, 80 kids are all now in the back, far away from me, but they kind of get wind that there's a comedian bombing. And it starts to kind of like, and I start getting heckles in the distance. You suck, boo. This is awful. And I'm just trying to survive.

And I go, I'm trying to do anything. I got a bit about names or something. I was like, what's your name? The guy goes, D. And I go, what? trying to do anything. I got a bit about names or something. I was like, what's your name? The guy goes, D. And I go, what? And he goes, D's nuts. Yeah, classic. Comedic pause, eruption.

Yeah. Like, ah! People started standing on the table. Oh, got him, got him, got him. It was like insane how ruckus it got. And I'm supposed to do 60. And I look down at my phone. And it says 17 minutes.

There are 43 minutes left. And they're all booing me. And I go, I'm good. And I just walked out. Good for you. Because part of me, the comedy and comic is like, I got to do my time. I was like, there's no winning here. There's no.

And so I just like walk off and I go take a red eye from Baltimore back to the stinking city. And then I wake up the next morning to like, there's all comments all over my Facebook. Deez nuts. Got him. Got him. Like this kid's like trolled me the next day. Now here's the worst part about those gigs is you get off stage and the producer or whatever lady is like, oh, that was bad.

And you're like, your fault. It was your fault. This is not my fault. I'm a comedian. I know what I'm doing. I didn't even try to get money. I actually was a little scared. Yeah.

Like, it had gotten so wild that I was like, I think I'm safe. Right. But if nothing else, they're going to verbally abuse me as I leave. I mean, there are 30 kids in this city that think I'm the worst comedian of all time. And then I got on stage the next night just to, like, get rid of it. Well, you do stink. It is like a fish. It does.

Yeah. You stink until you, that next set's the show. I think about that set pretty regularly. Yeah. Even though like you get off and you're like, you do a set the next night and I had a great set and you know, you're like, no, I can do this. And, but you're like, oh, you know, you're better for it. You know, I was like, yeah, I still wish it wouldn't have happened.

Of course. And also you're not better for it. You would have been fine without that you know, you're better for it. You know, I was like, yeah, I still wish it wouldn't have happened. Of course. And also you're not better for it. You would have been fine without that. Yeah, you're right. That's one of those gigs where I relate to that so much that looking down and seeing 17 minutes and you've already thrown out your like guaranteed crowd. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes. And you're like three of these minutes have been on TV. Exactly. I got none of this fuck. I got none of my weapons left. Right. And now it's like, it's like now it's like you're just in a shootout and you're like just throw the guns now you're like

fuck hand to hand I guess you got nothing left it's not your fault it'd be like if you were really good at basketball and they're like we got you a basketball game it's in a cornfield and then you're like well where's the ball and they just give you an anvil and you're like what the hell this isn't fair I thought you were a good shooter

I've been through the hicks yelling at you you can't dribble with that anvil yeah you're like what the hell this isn't fair i thought you were a good shooter yeah i've been to the hicks yelling at you you can't dribble with that anvil yeah yeah i had a gig this was a lot of money for me a lot of money and it was in philly and i had to get a tux custom made that's how high end this gig was it was a pharmaceutical event or whatever and uh it was at this crazy hotel ballroom in philly they got me a limo all the way from here to philly got my tux on had to get fitted the whole thing i get there three hours early they gave me a stack of note cards i'm hosting an award show for the best this is the best sleep aid nominees are and then i would do the whole thing it was like a four hour show it was like the oscars for pills and i was like all right here we go a lot of money and they're like do 15 up top then we'll

get into the award show they had the ladies back there who would hand the trophies and everything it was big time yeah and i go up and i go all right this is gonna be a cakewalk it's like 500 people in the crowd ballroom beautiful chandelier and i'm bombing immediately immediately bombing immediately bombing and i bombing, and I go, alright, I'm just gonna go into a little dirty. I was supposed to be clean. I'm like, just get a little dirty, maybe just get them. And I did a joke about how self-checkouts

are kind of like a vibrator. You know, you do it to yourself. It's usually That's the little dirty. It kills. Little dirty. So you know when you're fingering yourself? Well, I did it on Conan. No, I know. I've done the same show.

Yeah, so it's like clean-ish. But this lady goes, that's enough. And she throws the napkin down like a Marx Brothers movie, and she runs out. And then the husband runs out after her. She's going to throw a pie in her face. Yeah, and I go, some square old bag. We don't need her. Back to the show.

Bombing, bombing. some square old bag we don't need her back to the show bombing bombing and then uh eventually a guy comes up to the side of stage goes and i go excuse me everybody hold on i walk over and he goes you're done you're done i was like ah he goes you're done i'm gonna do it i'm gonna take so he just takes the mic out of my hand and he goes you just go back sit down i had to sit down at the front table with like all these guys. And I go, what happened? They go, that was the CEO's wife. And the CEO ran out.

And I was like, ugh. And so they're like, you're fired. And we'll send you back in the limo. You just got to get out of here. And I remember I left, and I saw her crying in the lobby. He was consoling her. And I was like, Jesus, your husband's like a pharmaceutical guru. Yeah, you're literally

killing people. You're killing people. Let's go back to putting drugs on the streets. Yeah. He gets a phone call, he's like, more opioids.

Yeah. That comedian was so offensive. Yes, exactly. Imagine being that rich. We created a homeless epidemic, but that dirty joke, that's your fault. Yeah.

Well, imagine being that rich and being married to that. Right.less just somebody yeah and also have some fucking compassion yeah if i yes if i see an artist of any kind i'm not calling this artist but if you see like a musician performer a performer struggling yeah i don't i don't fucking i don't think they suck i'm just like man that's that's tough yeah yeah maybe it's because we've been through it and we relate to it. But like, shit, man. No, it's cool. Even if I don't like their act, I'm just like, eh, I try not to be hard on them.

Right. Yeah, of course. Like the girl going, why are you talking to us? Even that's a little harsh. Like, you know why I'm talking to them. They booked me. You think I want to be here? This sucks.

It's fucking horrible. It's bad for everybody. Yeah. Sometimes it's just like, yeah, that wasn't meant to be. Your comedy should not have been in that. No comedy should have been in that. Nothing should have been in that room. Yeah.

I did a gig in one of the ballrooms at University of Utah where they asked me to open for a clean comic because I was doing open mics. I got the same thing. It was like they had to pull people from the computer lab next door because there's nobody in the audience. And it was dry campus and i got i pulled out a pass on stage hilarious incredible that's amazing that is the opposite of the apollo pull-off is a that is funny when

you're a clean comic and like like you i can get in a level now where i sell enough tickets that i can say to the club like hey, hey, if you could book someone clean-ish, that'd be great. But I'm not selling enough that I'll demand it. So I was at Helium in Philly and I told the guy, I was like, did he tell you? And he's like, yeah, I'll work clean. And the first thing he goes out, very first joke he goes, so I got a baby

dick. It was the first thing he goes. Eight pounds, six ounces. Which is not a bad joke, by the way. Which is not, I laughed at it. That was a real laugh right there. Yeah, no, it's a bad joke by the way which is not i laughed that was a real effort yeah no it's a great joke and finishes into a diaper i like it but it was very funny i was like i think the definitions that we have of clean here are different but yeah i will say that the crowds that i do have there they get it they're like yeah it's funny we're all yeah my friend opened for galifianakis. This is 10 years ago.

And Galifianakis, like, I'd like a clean comic to open. And I remember being like, that's kind of weird. Galifianakis, he's pretty dirty. Right. And it's only because that you can just come out and go, so he jizzed in my ass last night or whatever. And you're like, ah, that's just too dirty. Yeah. Like, it's not even funny.

It's just, you're just saying crazy shit. No, I've done that too. I'm not by any means a clean comic, but I don't like when it's excessive. I agree. I agree. Because then it kind of just is like, well, now it's just kind of like cheapened a little bit. Right.

Totally. Totally. And I have no problem if they do that, obviously, on their own, but on the show I'm doing. Yeah. I don't want that. I think there's a little bit of aging there, too, where you're like, I've heard enough of this. Sure.

Zoltan had an old joke about it. It becomes unspecial. Yeah. Zoltan had an old joke about it when he went and saw Wolf of Wall Street. He's like, I knew I was old because I was watching. He goes, this is just a bunch of smut up here. Smut's a great word. That's a very, very funny.

Smut's fun. This is fun. Yeah, this is just a bunch of smut. Yeah. I do like that movie, though. It's a great movie. Great movie. Yeah, yeah.

Midget wrestling or whatever. That was fun. Midget tossing. Right. That was in that movie. Yeah, yeah. I like how you thought you corrected yourself with the tossing. Right. That was in that movie. I like how you thought you corrected yourself with the wrong word. Thanks for cleaning that up.

Thanks for making that. We can air it now. It's fine. It's not problematic now. Should we do a bit? I have plenty of midget friends. What? They're on a short list. It's a small world. Yeah. Should we do a bit? Oh, let's do a bit all right what do you got dustin you want to lead us all my list here uh sure i've been kicking around this like idea i try it once of um it's kind of it's it's uh another aging thing

where like as the the health goals that my doctor have given me like as we're talking about what we should do he's like well well, like, you know, like you got to go on a lot of walks. Like you got to do, just walking, like not even running, just like walk. And he's like, and like pushups, like body weight stuff, but you don't have to do a full pushup, just like push your top half up,

which I'm like, these are literally the fitness goals of a toddler. That's the goal where you're just trying to get yourself. This is all I need from you is if you could stay straight up and then you can walk and then i was thinking about how a lot of my pain comes from being on airplanes ah that's why and i'm sure you guys which is very embarrassing that that's what hurts us because sitting you sit and you have a you have a thing a tray and people give you snacks which is the closest version of an adult high chair that you're going to get.

So I think there's something in there of just like it's gone toddler-ish of like. That's the type of bit you would think of, too. I like the bit. That's a very Normandy. I love a good comparison like that. It is. Normandy beaches. But yeah, that's interesting.

It is funny that that, because you think about like pro athletes, they fly everywhere. Right, right. That's not where they're getting hurt. No, no, no, no. Yeah, it's never like Giannis is out two to four weeks with, you know. The spirit air. They get to it, it's like, just move. Just like, like hiking is like almost excessive.

Like you don't even have to do a hill, just walk. Just the basic. You get to a point where like it's not even technically exercise anymore. We could just get you to walk and push yourself up. Yeah, that's funny. I think there's something in there, the idea of connecting it to a baby. Because if you're raising kids, you're so proud of your little kid when they push themselves up for the first time. Like, oh, they've got good head control.

Yeah, you could do connections, too. Like when your baby starts walking, you're like, he's walking. And then when you're trying to work out, they're like, Dustin's walking. He's doing it. He's doing it. He's exercising. It might be funny, too, about you and the baby. You celebrate it with candy or something.

Yeah. You get ice cream. And a nap. Get a crustable. Yeah, get candy and a nap. Yeah, you're back in there. Well, also, when you take a breather that's like a time out you know you're like i need i need a break yeah it's time out well that's the other thing is that you're

supposed to do yoga or whatever when a lot of that is just laying just like you can just like lay flat the the as you hit near mid-age it's just the the expectations of the goals for what you're doing in fitness are just bare minimum just yeah you don don't even, they don't even, we get to the age where they don't even really want you to run anymore. Like, that's too much. It hurts. It does. Yeah, I think I heard you.

That's true. You were talking to Nate. You played with, like, at the rec center and was in Dallas or something. And you're like, you thought you broke your back. I thought I broke my back. I was playing with these young kids and they were fucking fast. Oh, yeah. And it's like, I do that thing where I'm like, I will play as hard as I physically can.

Yeah. And I did. Yeah. And I i was like i think i broke my back it was like a cramp but i was like on the ground for a second and i was like and then i was like i gave it like 10 minutes i was like all right i can play again yeah but there was a moment where i was like wow yeah i went just as hard after that we switched the half court after that i was kind of like guys i mean that full court what i had to pretend that's hilarious there's a half court after that. I was kind of like, guys, I mean, full court. I had to pretend like it wasn't. Hilarious. That's hilarious. Look at this, a half court right here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Full court is crazy. It's a lot. That's too much. As you sneak up on 40, you become a half court game guy. Yeah. We don't need to run. But when you're younger, all you want to do is run full.

By the time I get a jump shot, I'm like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Those first two runs in full pickup too. You're like, oh my gosh, I haven't done this in a while. But your pick and roll game has gotten a lot better. Oh, yeah.

We're doing all the sneaky shit. We're pulling on shorts. No, I mean, it's funny. You think I'm a crafty veteran. Brian, who's my tour manager on the road, is like, it's funny. We got in Portland, and these dudes dudes one of the dudes was like recognized me he's like oh fuck i'm pumped to play against you and i was like all right cool yeah and he was playing like we were playing like a friendly game but his friend was going at my tour manager hard

and he could play this guy but brian my tour manager's like he's got his pride he's playing fucking d he's in his face to the point that i'm like there's gonna be a fight whoa you ever see that happen with incredible yeah the guy it's the dude's fault it wasn't Brian Brian was just like he was bumping into him and he was like

well I'm not gonna fucking back down now right yeah so it gets to that point where I was like we're gonna fight and like thank god

the game ended but it was like we were right fucking this seems to be happening on the road a lot for you yeah I'm worried about it you've told two road stories

well five car Charlie used to always say if a game's not over you end it my friend funny I do a lot of the like this new hour

that I'm developing is all around like that 40s thing like kind of connected is this not the one that's out right now yeah totally yeah I'll start

I'm running like new stuff now and in town spots and then like but when I my tour kind of kicks back up in May

and that'll that'll be a completely different hour than the runs in the family because you gotta give them that new stuff but yeah i am like it's it's this is kind of connected to that of like and this is connected to that bit of like it's because i'm near 40 and 40s is the last age where you're anyone no one will call you young in your 40s the only way you're young in your 40s is if you die oh that's good there's no like he's so young it's uh he was so young right right it's only in the past tense yeah exactly so i'm trying to find this idea but if crowds get you know they're there to not think about dying that's so when you're talking about that yeah i'm trying to be a funny oh yeah there you go that's a way to soften it a bit yeah it's like i know you're here not to

think about death but i'm going through some stuff. I got to talk about it, you know? And I can't afford a motorcycle. So this is me doing the midlife crisis stuff. Right. So I think it's all around kind of in those things. A lot of mortality stuff. Yeah.

Do you find, yeah, when you talk about yourself dying, I don't know. You can see how crowds get real tight. Oh, yeah. We drink this stuff. We try not to think about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We try not to think about this here in this podcast, Dustin. Yeah, yeah.

But seriously, what happens? I had a bad idea I was thinking about. I saw a guy on the street the other day, crazy guy, just in the middle of the sidewalk. Everyone who walked by goes, he goes, I'll fucking fight you. Next person goes by, I'll take your fucking head off. He goes, fuck you. I'm going to fight you. No one even acknowledges him.

No one even bats an eye and i think the angle i'm thinking of is like man even for crazy people in new york it is hard to find what you're looking for you know i mean like you're a single person you're looking it's like it's hard it's like yeah you know this guy can't find another crazy guy to find you can't find it you can't link up with he's gotta get uh's got to get on a dating app to find unhinged. Unhinged. There we go. There we go.

We matched. Yeah. You know when your buddy's like, man, I hooked up with this girl. She's fucking nuts. He's like, bring her on. He wants the crazies. What do you mean? The alley.

Always the alley. Yes. You could also play it off like a one night stand. Like he beats the shit out of the guy. And he's like, we should do this again sometime. And he's like, yeah. That's great. Something there.

Don't call me again. Yeah. Or something. Yeah. There's something there. All right. Unhinged, I like. That's funny.

All right. What is it? Bumble. Bumble. That's funny. Bumble. Interesting. Bumble rumble.

Yeah. What, Mark? What funny. Bumble. Interesting. Bumble rumble. Yeah. Mark, what do you got? All right. This is a weird one, but I was at a bar, and this girl comes up to me, and I was like, I might be a fan. You know how it goes. And she goes, excuse me, are you gay? True story.

Yeah. She was a fan. Yeah. She was a big fan. And I was like, no, no. And she's like, okay, okay. I'm not, you know, you're getting all the fans. I'm like, no, I'm just saying I'm not.

And she's like, all right, all right. She was pretty drunk. And I'm like, I'm just saying I'm not gay. You asked me if I was gay. I'm saying I'm not gay. She's like, there's nothing wrong with being gay. Like, now she's going off on a thing. Right. And she keeps harping on it.

She won't let it go. And I was like, I'm not gay. Get out of here. And she was like, there's nothing off on a thing. Right. And she keeps harping on it. She won't let it go. And I was like, I'm not gay. Get out of here. And she was like, there's nothing wrong with being gay. So eventually I snap and I go, well, you're pregnant. And she's like, I'm not pregnant. And I'm like, whoa, nothing wrong with being pregnant. And it hit at the bar with my friends.

But I think that could be something. Because it's like, just because there's nothing wrong with it, which I'm not saying there is, but I'm like, it still can be weird. I'm still saying I'm not. Right. So the pregnant thing is like, obviously the other one would be pregnant, but you still want to be called pregnant. Yeah.

I like that the stigma of gay and pregnant are the same. Well, I just needed something that she could be. You needed something that she would be repulsed by the idea of. It is the attention that she put on you. Like, why is this my fault? I didn't do anything. You came up and asked me the aggressive question. You just don't want to be not who you are. Right, right.

It's funny. It's like you never hear my truth as like a straight guy, but that's. Yeah. And I don't, you know know i'd rather be gay than pregnant you know i get ready for pregnancy yeah good point oh there's conversion yeah you can shock it out yeah you know yeah i don't know i just needed something that i could call her part of the bit i think that's the bit. Okay. Yeah. I'll try it. I think the bit is just the turn.

I think the bit is... Are you pregnant? No. There's nothing wrong with it. Nothing wrong with being pregnant. It might be a tag. Yeah. There's probably a tag in there. But it's like this...

You don't have to talk about what you're not. Yeah. Yeah. That's the deeper meaning. What's the same formula as your Lena Dunham joke? Oh, right. Right. So it's like...

You're full of shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you look like her. Right. Fuck you. Exactly. That's like of shit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, you look like her. Right. Fuck you. Exactly.

That's like that formula. But... Yeah, it might need a tag at the end just to put a button on it. Yeah. To tie it up. Like, just throw the N-word in there. She was white. Normandy up a bit.

What about... I've never said the N-word on stage. I don't know where you're getting this. I thought she was a fan. I think you're gay. Why? Because you always say, I'm gay on podcasts. That's what my wife, that's what they said.

She was like, well, you do go around saying I'm gay. I was like, ah, touche. She just saw a clip of you doing that. Touche. I also like that you said I've never said it on stage. I've never said it on stage. Ah, text. Yeah.

It's said when I'm brought to stage on accident sometimes with my last name oh yeah yeah yeah and people go i always say dustin n word son yeah yeah yeah but what about uh yeah so this tag may be like uh yeah it sounds like you're the son of a black guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like pregnant and... I'm trying to think of a comment between pregnant and gay. Yeah, is there something other than pregnant? Or do you think that that's the... Pregnant's pretty good.

Pregnant's pretty good, yeah. All right, I'll keep it. Yeah. It sounded pretty dumb. Crushed at the bar. What more do you need? That's true. But they were my friends.

It's like him at the poker table. I know. I had some bad vibes. It's like a bringer show. Right, exactly. I called him a fat creature from Syracuse and it killed him. I'm like, that's not my best material. I've had 11 drinks.

Creature was good, though. To pull creature out in a drunken stupor is impressive. Creature Lawson. All right. Well, watch Dustin's new special on YouTube now. Thanks, guys. And thanks for coming on, man. We got some dates.

You want to plug some dates? Yeah, plug some dates. Yeah, sure. Go to the website. We're rolling out a new hour here in, speaking of Utah, there we go, 19th to 20th. We're doing Salt Lake, Brea, the 23rd. Do I say the dates themselves? May 26th, 27th, Des Moines, Chicago in June, San Diego,

home gig, LA, Tampa. I'm out there. I'm doing things. A lot of dates. A lot of dates. More to come. Check it out. Sammy, where you at there, fatty? I'm all over, man. Wait, when does this come out?

Late March. Okay, so I got Miami, Orlando, shit. Ponte Vedra. I don't know if it's already past this, but yeah. Atlanta, Charleston, Durham, Charlottesville, Norfolk, D.C. Late show added D.C., nice. Wilkes-Barre, yeah, baby. Port Chester, San Diego, L.A., Sacramento, SF, and there's a few more coming.

I mean, we've got all kinds of others here. How are you doing the Balboa in San Diego? That's great. We've got Columbus coming up. We haven't announced it yet. Cincinnati, Indianapolis, Kalamazoo, Pittsburgh maybe, Baltimore. My website's way behind. Philly, Wilmington, all over.

Portland, Maine, Richmond, Hampton Beach. I mean, so much shit. Just go to my website. Charlotte, Knoxville, Memphis. Website, samorell.com slash shows. Yo, announcing a theater tour this summer. Back out on the theaters. Australia going to UK doing the whole rigmarole.

I want to thank everybody for coming out to the Vic in Chicago for the special. And yeah, Mark Norman comedy.com. I got to update this. I'll be in Oxnard, California and a few other places. But get a bottle of bodega. Get on the Patreon. Get a glass. Get uh get a bottle of bodega get on the patreon get a glass get a shirt get a bodega cat sweater watch dustin n wordson special and uh yeah bodega cat whiskey.com queef it up sunday's the day for my next bender a bit of peivorecki, no, the beer juice close I've had a little too much bourbon

And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her and I get down

in the same way we might be true