We Might Be Drunk - Ep 123: Jim Norton

Episode Date: April 17, 2023

Get ready to laugh until you cry with the latest episode of "We Might Be Drunk" featuring the one and only Jim Norton! Join hosts Mark Normand and Sam Morril as they sit down with Jim, a celebrated comedian and actor with decades of experience in the industry. As the guys sip on their coffee and share hilarious stories, they cover a range of topics, from Jim's experiences in comedy to current events and everything in between. Jim's razor-sharp wit and quick comebacks are on full display, making this episode an instant classic. If you're looking for some much-needed humor in your life, this episode of "We Might Be Drunk" is the perfect cure. So grab your favorite drink, sit back, and get ready to laugh with Mark, Sam, and Jim. And now, a joke to send you off: Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! Support the show and get 15% off your first order at https://www.zbiotics.com/DRUNK promo code DRUNK Save 20% off &; free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com promo code DRUNK Visit http://babbel.com/Drunk for up to 55% off learning a new language. Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/shows Jim Norton: https://www.jimnorton.com/ Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com/shop Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/

Hey, hey, folks. Here we are. We might be drunk. We're here. We're clear. We've got a fun guest today. Jim Norton. I hope.

The weather is crazy out today, right? Yeah. I want to come in and just do bits. Yeah, right? How about that trans shooter? The guy in the elevator the other day, I was with someone, and she goes, so I'm going to California. And he goes, you're going now just so the weather's going nice.

And I'm like, ah. Good. That's a good one. When it rains, like, oh, you brought it with you. I guess you brought it with you. I'm like, no, I didn't bring anything. I'll actually agree with him, though, and go with the bit and go, yeah, more. Keep it coming that's a lot of

peeves this week I have a lot of peeves a lot of annoying you know what annoyed me recently is people that don't put their dogs on leashes really annoy me there's a hallway and they're just running through the hallway

and they're just like come? and the dog doesn't come and you're like get a leash yeah yeah but then there's a problem with the leash guy who stretched out the leash all over the sidewalk it's a domination thing it's one of those things where they want to show you the control they have over their animal so what happens is I hate when the elevator opens

and then they take the leash off and they let it run down the hall it's like wow this, this fucking Beastmaster. Yeah. It is kind of annoying. I understand. That's true. Yeah, it sucks.

Now they're having a big problem with dogs are shitting on planes because they'll have like multiple service dogs now. Oh, wow. So there's all these videos online like TikTok. There's just dogs. People stepping dog shit in the aisle of a Southwest flight. Damn. It's out of control. Didn't they stop allowing all those animals on?

Didn't they say like, no, no more, or we're only going to allow certain service animals and no more comfort dogs? I think you get the paperwork, you're good to go. Oh, okay. I think anyone can bring a dog on. I remember the whole United thing. Remember, they were having a bad week. They dragged the person off the plane.

Oh, Asian guy. And they killed a dog. That's right. In the overhead. Yeah. Fucking hilarious. Imagine being the guy who's waiting to get off your connecting flight and there's a 13 year old holding her fucking dead

puppy and you're like i don't want to be a dickhead here but i'm gonna fucking fight in 15 minutes oh i guess i guess i only have one uh check bag now i do kind of like that guy though because he's like i feel bad about the dog so i'll put it up here that's pretty considerate i mean it's not for the dog no it wasn't he didn't do it no they made him do it no one wants to voluntarily put their dog in the overhead oh I thought he was a nice guy

no it was the flight attendant I guess the dog was too big for under and this is what like great owners they were it was like a two and a half hour flight and they didn't notice that the dog wasn't making any noise they didn't check on the fucking dog for over two flight and they didn't notice that the dog wasn't making any noise. Oh boy. Like for two hours. They didn't check on the fucking dog for over two hours. Yeah.

And they got a sad slash hilarious surprise. It'd be great if the dog was screaming. They just had noise canceling on their computer. Yeah. That's that whimper. Hate a dog whimper. You wouldn't think those are airtight though, would you? No.

I would think that you could get air in there. Totally. But maybe a bump jerked him around or something. Maybe the poor little guy was just so frightened his heart quit, hopefully. We've lost every dog lover in the first three minutes of this podcast. Keep off the flights, goddammit. But my ex had a chihuahua, and she was a great gal, and she was a fun lady, but that dog was a nightmare.

It was hell. Everybody hated the dog. We didn't have the heart to tell her. It got brain cancer eventually. We all had a party. Sure. I thought you were going to go the other way with that, where you're like, oh, but the dog was all right.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Wasn't it like the Jesalynk joke? Great gal. Yeah. The dog was fun. But she would drug it with Benadryl to get it on a flight, because it was just so yappy, and it was the best dog when it was on Benadryl. Sure.

But otherwise, it was hell. I imagine the brain cancer mellowed it yeah a lot you don't typically see more hyperactivity with a fucking lump in the head poor little guy how long did he last after they got the terrible prognosis very a couple months but he would do a thing where he was shitting diarrhea his whole body was all fucked up but he was shit next to the pee pad like used to shit on it and then he was shit next to it because pad, like used to shit on it. And then he was shit next to it because of the brain cancer. And it just made you want to go, come on, die already. Yeah. Yeah.

That's almost like an angry thing by the dog. Like he knows the pee pad is there. And he's like, I'm going to shit on the rug anyway to tell you something's wrong. Exactly. Exactly. Cats would do that too. I had a cat years ago. I had three roommates in Brooklyn and I was on the road every weekend.

So every time I would leave, the cat would just be like, meow, meow. And I'd be like, I got to work. And then at a certain point, you're just like, all right, well, I got to get rid of it. Every time I would leave, the cat would just piss on someone else's shit. So now I'm getting home, and they're like, your cat peed on my bag. And I'd have to be like, all right, how much was the bag? At a certain point, I was like, I got to get rid of the cat it was your cat yeah oh it was my friend's sister is dan hall who bartends at the cellar it was his sister's cat and she asked me to watch the cat

for a week and i was like all right yeah i could watch a cat for a week and then she just moved so i'm just stuck with a cat damn yeah but then the cat was pretty cool until this shit happened right i had two i never had pets i had cats growing up and i'm so stupid i was five when i I was just stuck with a cat. Oh, damn. Yeah. But then the cat was pretty cool until this shit happened. Right. I had two cats. I never had pets. I had cats growing up. And I'm so stupid. I was five when I got a Manx cat with a tail.

Oh, yeah. And I named him Susan because I didn't know it was a guy. So I named him. You always were trans. I know. You're always into it. Yeah, believe me. I've made these mistakes many times.

I named him Susan. They're like, oh, it's a boy. So I called him John. And then the other cat was I named William. I named him Susan. They're like, oh, it's a boy. So I called him John. And then the other cat was, I named William. We found her outside, but it was a female. Twice I made the mistake of naming them opposite gender names. They're both dead now. It's the only animals I've ever had.

Yeah, yeah. But I have a cat now named Greg. So I'm continuing the human name. Isn't it weird? Like a weird, I don't know why. I was a kid though. When you're a kid, you don't know how to fucking name things of course not so that makes sense but i'll tell you this i have a cat and people come over they go i don't know how you do it the litter box

the scratching but they have kids and i'm like you have fucked up kids that you know fall off the stairs or cry or shit themselves like you're gonna give me shit when you got a kid yeah at least i can back over this thing in the driveway when it annoys me you have to tolerate it until it goes to college. It's also weird to say, you know, like Susan has cancer and you're like, oh my God, and you're like, it's my cat.

It's the cat. That's true. That's true. And when you say Cookie has cancer, you're like, oh, cookies. Yeah, like Magic Johnson's upset. What if you're like, ah, Susan's shit on my bed?

You're like, oh, what's up with this girlfriend of yours? Susan's an amazing name for a cat. Isn't it an awful? Yeah, it is an adult, but it's such a plain shit name that a boy would want to call his cat Susan. I don't know why. I was a little fucking fruit. Well, you grew up in New Jersey, huh?

The suburbs. Yeah, yeah. It was all teenage angst. You know, that fucking melodrama, you know, fucking cutting yourself. Like, fuck, I like the devil. You know, i was like an emo douche before it was popular i remember i was on the uh the road once and uh no actually i wasn't this wasn't even there i was like it must have been like a family thing i was in a hotel room with my brother i was very young i remember watching i think it was monster rain your special oh it was just on tv and my brother didn't know who you were so his

intro to you was the fucking monster rain bit I hope you and your brother made eye contact alone Things should happen, but it's like when you like don't know what to expect he turned me was like this guy's really funny Hey Monster rain. Yeah, I still I saw that porch whenever I'm gonna do the stress factory I go back to that apartment complex because I always think something else happened there because I'm so fucked up I'm like something else happened, but I still look fucked up. I'm like, something else happened, but I still look at that porch that we used to crawl under.

It's now made of wood. I think it used to be metal. And then there's a basement window under it. And I kind of vaguely remember being in that basement. And I'm like, eh, it's probably not good, whatever it was. Right, right. Wow, was it, did you, you were probably dying to get out, dying to get to the city.

You know how it is, man. I lived with my parents until I was 30. Whoa. I used to get hookers, and I would park in my parents' driveway and put up the sun thing that blocks the sun, and I would get blown in the driveway. Wow. I would back into the thing, so I couldn't take them in the house.

Yeah, of course. So, yeah, I liked living at home, but it was time to move out. I moved in with Florentine. Wow. I think he was 90. Is this when he had long hair? I don't know if he was still jamming Jim he used to be jamming Jim Howard Stern named him jamming Jim the rock and roll comedian so when I met him he was jamming Jim and I fucking hated him I was like who is this ass he had on like snakeskin boots but he wound

up getting me my first paid gig in in 1991 so Jim has been there since like day one i love him he's the first comic i ever did a weekend with and he was fucking awesome isn't he great he's such a great guy yeah yeah no one's ever bad mouthed florentine like no one thinks florentine's a dick no no no and he gets laid quite apparently women find him attractive which i find surprising yeah i know i knew him in his heyday he used to make us like he would walk by a woman and he would go tell me if she gives me a cheek peek. And he wasn't being ironic. He wanted to see if the girl looked at his ass.

And if she looked at his ass, he knew she was interested. And I watched it many times. Wow. It would work. I mean, Florentine had great numbers. Oh, yeah. He was banging Robin Quivers for a while. Yes, he did date her.

I don't know how long. That's insane. I mean, that's like a high profile black lady. Yes. Well done. Yeah. don't know how long it's insane i mean that's like a high profile black lady yes well done yeah i don't know how long it lasted or or exactly what broke it up i don't think i ever asked him about robin i probably should have yeah and i know she's a size queen so really he's doing all right he's big balls oh he's big ball like like he's he's all ball he used to like showing a scrotum off his dick he called it a baby hippity hop because the balls were big and the dick was like fine okay it was all ball ari's like that too he's all ball having huge balls is not doing your dick any favors it's like having huge quads yeah

but you get the package in the pants because the balls help the bulge so that's a decent at least you get them in the door so if it's like an Anthony Weiner underwear pic it's exactly yeah yeah yeah bring your own infant of course he didn't even have a great bulge

Weiner's I've seen his dick that actually got decent dick it was fine I mean it was like dumb Brett Favre's dick when he fucking

he aims it was the worst dick picture ever Brett Favre aimed his dick down towards his fucking shoes yeah he was wearing like those beach shoes.

Yeah. That was such a bad dick. Was that when he sent to Jen Sturger? Was that who it was? I believe so. Yeah. And he isn't pretty thick. I thought it was wide.

I found it to be remarkably unimpressive for a future Hall of Famer. Damn. Yeah. Okay. I don't know if it's out there, but I've seen the dick pic and it was just, he was like holding it to make it, like tilting it at a weird angle, and I was like, that's a bad pic, man. Oh, no. Well, he's older, so he's not hip to the dick pic world.

Yeah. He's in a lot of trouble, isn't he? Didn't he do some shit? Well, he's suing Pat McAfee. There's this weird back and forth where he was involved with some type of, it had something to do with his kids, a tennis court or a volleyball thing for their school. And then there was allegations that the fucking funds got diverted. Was it like welfare or some social services?

And they said that Brett knew about it. I don't know the details, obviously, by the way, I'm talking about. But then McAfee said something that I guess he thought was actionable. And he's suing Pat McAfee and somebody else. But I don't know any more details about that uh than that it's a tough time colin quinn said it best you can get a lot of trouble where you say and all we do is talk now into microphones yeah where we used to not do this we do it all day every day and now you get more trouble just saying crazy shit and we're just

giving it out there and the more we talk the less we're actually informed we're just talking all the time true not great. Well, nobody wants to listen to anybody. It really is just like when you're just waiting, all right, here's my chance to make a point. That's why I don't listen to any of it.

I listen to none of it. I can't. You don't listen to the backlash or you don't listen to anything people are saying? I don't check at mentions because I just don't give a fuck in the comments.

You know, I hate when people go, I've read your comments. Fuck you. Like, create because you want to create something. Yes. Not because commenters are, you know, we have enough feedback I've read your comments fuck you like create because you want to create something not because commenters are you know we have enough feedback from live audiences completely agree

it's like I get enough attention like it was bothering me that like how much how much complete validation do you need I was just made me sick the way I was so I just stopped and you dwell on it somebody's like hey your earlobes aren't connected I'm like I know but now I'm in the shower going, ah, the earlobes, you know?

And it doesn't do anyone any good. That's like the best thing someone could say. Who cares about that? Take the earlobe thing. Yeah, the earlobe thing would be a home run in my atmosphere. Fucking, yeah, yeah. But, like, I also think about that. Mark checks every comment.

Mark reads a lot of comments. And I think about, like, how many specials you must have put out where there was no comments. Like HBO. Oh, those were the days. Comedy Central, all these specials. And then Netflix. And then now the specials that popped for Mark and myself were on YouTube. It's just all comments.

Right. And it's okay to let people make them. But I find that reading them, I know what I do on stage, so I can tell if it worked or not by the reaction. True. We're not doing things in a vacuum. And I think it was just unhealthy for me. I just kept obsessing over it, and I was like, what are you doing? Who the fuck cares?

Good for you. Even if these people like you. It was like, I don't like myself. The neediness of it annoyed me, and I got out of the habit of doing it. And we're driving the ship. We've got to remember that like we'll have no guest on then we'll have a guest and be like yeah i guess fuck the guests or i like it better with no guests or whatever and you're like oh maybe we should do that but then you go no we're doing our show stop telling us what to do yeah you have on who you want to have on and you know you know what's funny you know

it's not funny you know yeah that's what i try to uh live by it's hard though i mean it's really hard people will insult me in my mentions well the question is you've seen both sides of this comedy industry where it was like all audience no internet traveling on the road doing gigs you had your radio show but now it's just all internet it feels like it is all internet but i've been getting bashed i mean i'm kind of immune to feeling bashed online i just don't care because it's been happening for over 20 years like yeah first time i read negative shit about myself was right after 9-11 i was i did some joke on the radio people like that's fucking too soon maybe but i remember reading it like one of those message board yeah things so you get used to it after a while you just become numb to the fact that no

matter what you do people are going to be cunts. I guess so. Do you remember the joke? No, I don't even remember. It was on the air. It was a radio thing. So it was just, you know, made fun of something. I remember on 9-11, I called. Oh, sorry. No, no, that's okay.

I remember I called in Opie and Anthony because we couldn't get into the city. And I remember calling in. It was like the naval planes were circling. Oh, wow. And I wanted to do a joke. I remember because I used to always plug it in appropriate times. But I was to do a joke. I remember because I used to always plug it in appropriate times. But I was like, I remember almost plugging gigs.

But I'm like, ah, don't. Even in that moment, I'm like, ah, this will be a bad. Don't do it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you can smell smoke. You should probably not plug. But the question is, have we gotten easily offended? Or is it just easier to get the offended out there in public?

You know, because like Seth MacFarlane said when he started Family Guy, he would get bags of hate mail, like garbage bags, and they would just throw them in the dumpster. But now they get read online and then they catch. And everybody goes, yes, you are homophobic or whatever.

That must be weirdly satisfying. Deleting an email doesn't feel great, but taking a bag and just throwing it in the dumpster. Literally, and then light it on fire. Knowing they haven't been heard. Yes! That's the best. That's why I don't block. I mute. Keep talking, you stupid motherfucker. Yes, I'm the same way. And somebody had to write down

and fold it and lick it and put a stamp on it and send it, and we don't even read it. But Mark and I talk about this all the time, like, how... I'm not one of those comics who's like, people are easily offended now. I don't care. Most crowds are pretty good for the most part still, but your generation was so much tougher at the table just hanging out like your generation of you colin you know bobby patrice burr nick yeah kiosk but you also at that time

it was different because we were dealing with political correctness from like 1990 like you know what i mean like so we had it too it was just a different it just layers up or levels up every few years it gets exponentially worse like you know what i mean like that's the beauty of this like all these people now these woke people they are committing a sin somehow that they're not aware of is a sin but people who are being born now in 15 years will tell them what their sin is yeah so that's the only thing that i hold on to is all these little fucking uh that's a problem oh are you gonna fucking get it in 15 years right because you don't know the sin you're committing is a sin right now yeah i actually saw someone i follow on twitter this uh this political guy matt welch post uh yesterday this woman was getting torn apart online i just saw him quote tweet it and he wrote remember when you call me a transphobe

like this isn't fun oh i love that and he basically was it wasn't like hateful it's just kind of like matt welsh or walsh welch oh i don't know he's like uh he has a podcast uh he's on bill mars oh okay but yeah welcome to the party get in line this is this is what you guys do it sucks right it's yeah it's all endless so it's like you may as well chill out yeah you may as well ignore it i got called a transphobe like uh it was some caitlin jenner joke i had done i don't remember what it was something about yeah i was shocked it was something about in politics and tying in with being one thing and not the other um and people fucking they were a few this hill you want to die on and like you're transphobic. It's just – Fuck you.

Ariel get called a Nazi and you're like, look at his face. I know. Come on. I know. He's a propaganda post. Exactly. But what bugs me the most is I get it. They're stupid people.

They're angry. They want clicks. But when you go, hey, I'm Jewish, they go, ah. They don't care. They don't care. But you should go, oh, shit, I didn't know that. My bad. Nazi doesn't make sense.

Take it back. Because it's not about the point. It's about being angry. And it's almost like if somebody tells you and corrects you and then you go, oh, then you can't be angry. It's all a lie just to excuse being angry. It feels good. That's a good point. So people don't want to not be angry.

Yeah. Do you think – is there any party that satisfied these people that come after you and then find out that you were with a trans person or like maybe or do you think that makes no difference to them? I mean, if it was if it was a trans person, but I put quite a few through college. But no, I don't ever think of it like that. Like if they don't know, they don't know. Like, I don't care because, again, it's never about I don't even think they're being legitimate when they accuse me of it. So me not being a transphobe doesn't mean anything because their accusation is a lie. Right.

So I don't care. And I don't care even if they mean it. Really? Go ahead. I don't – you know, trust me. Talk to my fucking – talk to my tonsils. They'll tell you the truth. But as comics, I feel like we want to be accurate.

We want to be right about everything. So when they're not right, you're like, wait, why aren't you ashamed of being incredibly inaccurate? Because we deal with hecklers. Like if a guy heckles you, it's right there. You deal with it. It's addressed. Yes. You know what he said.

They all know. It's almost like you have the judge and the jury in the same room. Yes. But you don't have that online. No. No, but that thing you said, it's too diluted. But in a club, it's you suck, and then because you know but that thing you said it's too diluted but in a club it's you suck and then you hammer them yeah oh it's so satisfying it's literally a town hall meeting where you get applause after every interruption yes great yeah because you're always gonna win oh yeah if you don't win you can yeah i mean you have a microphone

yeah you should i've gone sometimes you go too hard, you lose. You go, hey, you cunt. And they're like, whoa, easy. Yeah. Oh, shit. It's a kid walking through to the bathroom. But then you can kind of shit on yourself for going too hard. There's still ways to save it. That's true. And you're always going to come off better than them.

Yeah. I mean, early on, I definitely lost. Yes. Oh, man. Early on, I remember some of those where you're like, oof. I saw a legendary one. It wasn't me, but I was at a show, and a comic was on stage doing a fat joke, and a guy in the front row was like crazy obese, like huge.

And he goes, hey, enough with the fat stuff. And he goes, sir, relax. You're going to die in a year anyway. And the whole crowd turned on him. The guy stood up. It got ugly. And I was was like all right noted don't do that yeah hopefully he was right though yeah the guy stood up and he was like

he's reading the obituaries for the next 12 months i was crying i lost once i don't know what the guy said it was probably 1991 or it's like my first two years of doing stand-up and i was getting hammered by this guy in Wildwood, New Jersey. He was fucking relentless. He was funny. So afterwards I talked to him and he was actually a cool guy. He was like, yeah, sorry about that.

And his job was he was a dunk tank clown. Oh my God. So he was used to fucking just ripping people as they, blah, blah, blah. And he smashed me pretty good. I lost that one. That's the one I can remember losing. You take a dunk tank clown, that guy has never heard the sentence, he won.

Right. He lost in life. But see, the sad thing now is I hear that story, I'm like, that'd be a great clip. Because we're so fucking obsessed with the clips. Yeah, but you guys, what you're doing is so good because you're putting out funny, original shit. It gets people to come see you. You don't rely on the business. It's great. That's true. And you're not burning material or the way you do it where you

do so much topical stuff i mean i love following you at the cellar or following colin at the cellar because you guys always have new topical shit yeah i'm always like curious i'm like oh what's your angle going to be on uh dylan mulvaney on the bud light thing yeah what's your angle going to be on this story like i i'm just i know you're going to have something yeah the dylan mulvaney thing has been a tough sell nobody wants to hear well it's the first time I ever jerked off to a beer can well that topic is so nerve wracking that even if you're

positive they're like well I don't know is he being facetious what's going on here yeah I put up a clip about it and it's like I'm sure that people are split on it I'm sure some people think like oh just when they give you a series. But no, but you really need to see. Yeah.

I just don't care. I'm making fun of something. I'm joking about something. I don't care if you don't like it. Don't tell you. Right. Right. There's no final conclusion we're going to have when we walk away as gentlemen who understand

each other. I did a joke. You don't like it. That's the end of it. There you go. And I don't know why people are this angry. I get it. It's a weird choice.

Obviously, it's a controversial choice. It's not a lot of people. I don't know. I feel like a lot of people are kid rock shooting shit with a machine gun. He's shooting Bud Light cam. I'm like. That'll show him. I'll tell you.

That guy. He doesn't really. That guy doesn't fuck around. I mean, he doesn't like a beer can. He shoots it. Get out of his way. You know. Yeah, of course he doesn't like trans beer can he shoots it get out of his way you know yeah of course he doesn't like trans people he looks like fucking fiona apple but it's a fake rebellion it's a fake

thing from all these guys because like it's simply an advertising thing bud light has people who are probably just mostly like these guys that are like a certain type and people are like you should know your core audience well yeah dummy they want to expand their you know what what is a bunch of bud light fans get together as as a group it's it's out it's an alcohol that they want to expand to other people so they probably want young trans people and they get this hot like you know uh um i should say yeah yeah yeah uh hot uh relevant relevant young trans person there you go. I'm not saying hot is wrong, but that's just not my, you know, she's too tight. Not your type.

Yeah. It's also a reminder that they have the guns, because when Chick-fil-A said they were against gay marriage years ago, there were no left-wing people like, see this chicken breast? I'm going to fucking shoot it. That's true. That's true. It's a reminder, like, there's different forms of protest. Yes, yes, exactly.

There's boycott and picketing and then there's AK-47. That's why I don't eat a Chick-fil-A. I don't like it and I don't like the fact that they were against gay people. I just like, fuck them. But I'm not going to tell anybody else

not to eat there. I don't care who else goes there. I just, I'm like, eh, fuck them. It's a good product. I don't feel the need. I know everybody loves it. I should try it. I didn't love it.

But I don't feel the need to put a bunch of shit in front of a lake and walk around and go, huh? It all tastes pretty much the same to me. So if I'm going to eat fried chicken, I'll fucking go to the place that wasn't vocal. Right. We're against gay marriage.

But I do think it's like this religious thing. They're all about religion, Christianity. But what about the other groups overseas who don't like the gays? Why don't people boycott that? Because Christianity is like the OG and it's a safer one to boycott. It's safer. Because people aren't worried that somebody who's Christian, they might have like an occasional abortion doctor shooter. I'm not saying they're all great.

Yeah. But you're not worried that Christians are going to run into your place of business with an explosive. So people criticize what they feel safe. Is that what it is? Christianity is the safe one to go after. Right. Other people feel like they're going to be in danger going after. Jews are safe to go after.

People go after Jews, too. Yeah. But I think Christians and Jews are the ones that people feel like they can get away with it. But other religions, they're afraid, will respond violently. And you could be called xenophobic. Yeah, I guess so. Going after a different race or skin color or whatever Yeah I guess so

I don't know why anybody cares I just don't think it fits their narrative I think that's another part of it I want to ask you because I'm looking at you And it's Norm and Bob Saget behind you And I'm remembering that you did the Saget roast Two who are and one who should be You had a great set in that roast that was a great

roast i remember uh i mean norm set was so amazing that was the famous anti-comedy norm speech or yeah he kind of i mean was there a point i watched that live and i remember being like what is he doing and then by the end i was like this is amazing brilliant yeah it was very funny the crowd was kind of in and out on it, but it was still funny. Of course. Like, you knew it was weird, and I had to address it. But people thought, like, he didn't get what Norm was. Of course I fucking got.

I'm doing stand-up 15 years at that point. I got it. It was funny. Right, right. I enjoyed it. But you had a roast. I'm not going to stand up there and just applaud you. Yeah.

I'm going to make fun of him. And then you had a great line. How did you come up with that blueberries line? I just, I have very, very limited movie taste, and I God something fucking falls into the un-Golden Pond universe. Right. But he had a great comeback. He had a great comeback. He had a great line.

We'd all love to watch Henry Fonda picking blueberries. I mean, it was perfect. Holding the newspaper and he folded it. He goes, well, who wouldn't want to? I mean, he's such a fucking beast. Yeah, he was awesome. And Saget was such a – I was only on that roast because Bob requested me like uh i you know comedy central never put me on any of that stuff but bob is like i want jim on it and he was a good dude man he was a really a sweet guy and i i you know he's

one of those guys i remember i sent a dirty text to a girl about who used to jerk me off but i accidentally sent it to him and uh that became like this great bonding moment between us because for years we laughed about it but i sent him something about was like a code like hey i think i really need a hand and he writes back he's like what and i'm like oh fuck i told him and he was fine with it yeah of all the comics probably the best one to send it to on accident yeah absolutely yeah of course he's the dirtiest guy ever yeah he was a bit of a pig but a nice guy and one of the most famous guys i've ever been around like you couldn't go anywhere him and sherman hemsley whoa who i remember me and vos saw him do stand up at caroline's one

time and it was kind of sad it was like half full and he's kind of coming on and off to the jeffersons but we went down to the cellar with him to have wings what and homeless guys screaming like everybody knew i sent him a dirty text one did you really yeah no yeah what does weasley's pussy taste like what that's hilarious you hung out with him yeah i know i loved him you know who had that was a deep cut you have to google this when kids at home barry sobel i would walk around midtown with barry so every black guy in new york would come out of windows, Barry! Hey, Barry! And I was like, what the fuck? But he was on Eddie Murphy's show once, 227 once.

Oh! That was it. I thought it was a hit thing. He used to do a stand-up where Barry Sobel used to do hip-hop. He was like the white rapper. He was a Beastie Boy type guy. Yes. Before anybody did that in comedy, really, Barry Sobel started that. That was an epic Dangerfield lineup. It was like, Barry Sobel, that. Wow. That was an epic Dangerfield lineup.

It was like Barry Sobel, Robert Schimmel, Bill Hicks. Was that the Dice one or no? Dice was on it too. Wow. Harold Leifer, Dom Herrera. Wow. I remember that one because I watched that one a ton. Yeah.

Schimmel was so fucking funny. Schimmel was amazing. I think that Dice, he said that one of those other guys i was either sobel or it might have been robert schimmel one of them was gonna wear a leather jacket and dice was the guy who wore it and then they said no no dice wears the jacket only dice damn yeah i remember the first place i was when i saw dice like you don't usually remember that with comics but i was 18 and i was dating this girl and she's like jim come in here this guy's so dirty and i sat down and we watched this danger field special and it's like i'd never seen anything like no that shit that was insane

it was so innovative and original yeah kinnison too i mean it's crazy how many amazing comics came from those rodney specials i remember seeing nick to follow did seinfeld come yeah he was on that roseanne right yeah i remember Robert Townsend? Bob Nelson? Yeah. Robert Townsend. Did Bob Nelson die or no? Was he sick? He may have been sick.

His career did. But I think he's in Long Island. I don't know Bob. I heard he was sick. And I was like, he didn't die, did he? No, I don't think so. He's got the helmet on. He's fine. All right.

I feel bad saying that. You never want to wonder if a comedian died. It sounds disrespectful. Right, right, right. But you know. I'll cover that part. All right. But wait. You were going to say something a comedian died. It sounds disrespectful. Right, right, right. But, you know. I'll cover that part. All right. But, wait.

You were going to say something. Robert Townsend. No, maybe not. No, it was Robert. There was another name. It was Nick DiPaolo. DiPaolo. First time I saw Nick, I remember, it was on him and Janine.

And I forget who else it was. It was an HBO Young Comedian special. I remember those specials were fucking great, too. But I watched Nick DiPaolo talking about if if uh testing like monkeys can cure aids like because people were complaining about primate testing i was like this guy is fucking mean yeah he's great his jokes were like it was just like he's a machine so i mean his first letterman is lights out it's so good and it's clean and still great yeah nick is a very underrated comic Yeah, he's a great comic He's got some of the classic jokes I always think about on the road

He's got so many good road jokes I mean, I think about the one about checking into the hotel And seeing a poop in your toilet And I called the front desk and said You know, most hotels leave a mint on your pillow That's such a great joke Great joke And just the way he would talk about

Is there anything we could do to make your stay better? Oh, yeah, how about you take the jet engine out of the air conditioner? Just fucking, just a shitty, cranky vibe. So funny, man. So funny. He's got that great joke about he gets hurt and he goes to the emergency room and he goes, I don't want to say I waited a long time, but the guy before me had a musket wound.

That's fucking brilliant. You know the tag. Is there a John Quincy Adams here? Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah, he that's fucking brilliant. You know the tag. Is there a John Quincy Adams here? Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah, he's a fucking machine. And what I like about Nick is I've been in, like, writer situations with him. We did when Tough Crowd started.

It was, like, it was Colin, I think, and Ken Ober in one room. Nick and Geraldo wrote in the other room. Holy shit. Like, they had different offices. And, you know, Sherrod, Brian Tucker were out in this main office. And me and Keith were in one getting nothing done. nick and giraldo and colin and kenno but they were writing sketches and me and keith did zero did absolutely nothing but nick is comfortable pitching jokes like he's not ashamed to pitch jokes and whether it works or not in a room

and i always admired that because i'm so afraid of doing that like i'm so ashamed of course i don't collaborate well with guys i like you write stuff whatever and then i'll look at it and i'll write you back right i don't collaborate well in the moment well throwing it out there it's so vulnerable and when they when it bombs it fucking stings yeah yeah because it's other guys who know what funny exactly i can't blame them for being stupid yeah they get it they just comics you know i remember i remember reading in your book you said it was something about uh a tough crowd you would do a joke where you would ask people how they're doing and then just slam the slam the door in their face yeah and the only people you didn't do it to were were john stewart and paul mooney

oh i don't remember did i not do it to those guys i think you said in the book you were like i was too nervous to do it to paul mooney probably said in the book you were like I was too nervous to do it to Paul Mooney probably yeah I wanted Mooney to like me because he he wrote for Pryor and I love Richard Pryor so much and Mooney was actually he was a weird I didn't know him well but he was very nice to me I guess because we had done that before and he had been on

Opie and Anthony and he was one of those guys that would like test you a little bit to see if you can handle being teased and he was always responsive if you hit back. He wasn't a baby about it. But I didn't know him very well. Who got mad at me? Hal Sparks, I think, got mad at me.

Because I got everybody. And I would always be happy that Patrice or Nick would, I would stand out and say, so you've been on the road. I would just kind of put my hand on the door, and I would see Patrice start to laugh because he knew what was coming. Because no comic doesn't want to talk about their road experience. How's the road been? Well, I've been in that fucking door coming closed.

It was like beating cancer, that feeling. But most people probably laughed at that, though. All of them did. Hal, I think, I didn't know him well or at all. So I think he might have thought I was a dick. I think Colbert really enjoyed it. I got a few guys that you wouldn't think. Yeah.

But he's like an improv guy. He probably was like, he probably. like he probably i loved it he's like yeah this guy's a douche and he got it he was he was fine with it but i think that hal is the one and i didn't remember not doing it to john or but you know john at the daily show is probably who the fuck am i yeah you know he's humiliating too because he wouldn't like it i think he's a fun guy yeah but i didn't have the faith. I get it. You know what I mean? It was Jon Stewart, so I probably was trying to be respectful. Yeah, but you've met everybody. I've been to your apartment. Just the people on your wall alone, the photos you have with people is insane.

Yeah, I have. I've met every hero I've met, I think. Wow. I think I've been lucky in that way. I got to meet Kennison briefly. It was just like a five-minute. He came out to the open mic at Rascals and I didn't do photos back then but he talked to some of the young comics

and I got him to sign a napkin oh cool which I still have um yeah I was like I was happy I got to say hello to him Richard Pryor very brief yeah I didn't get to talk to him uh yeah I lit his cigarette I was with Patrice actually at the comedy store in 1995 or six. How bad would that be if you lit him on fire? I would have been too. Yeah, because he was looking for his lighter and I just lit his cigarette. And yeah, it would have been hilarious if a wind came through. Not again.

But Patrice didn't walk up and talk to him. But I'm glad I did. And I got him to sign my business card which i still i used to get autographs on the back of my business card because it felt like it was personal right so i got him to sign that but i never got to talk to him it was brief yeah i wish i had a photo wow man remember business cards i used to have 2000 printed yeah from vista print for like eight bucks and i would pass them out at open mics like a fucking chooch i had a little joke on it too it would say jim norton bill discreetly to your Visa or MasterCard. You know, a little phone sex, you know, folks, for those that like that.

They would tell you, older comics would be like, you got to stand by the door and hand out your business card. Yeah. Fuck, well, then I'm not going to make it. Yeah. I can't do it. I love the guy, too. It says, like, director, photographer, comedian, writer, actor. And you're like, all right, what is this, Vaudeville?

Yeah. You can do everything? Come on. Or you're getting ahead of him. I had him. It was humiliating. Yeah. When was your first headshots?

I was kind of talked into it. An older comic named Gemini. John Lombardi's like, you got to get headshots. Like, I just waited. Do you remember your first one? Yeah, Mindy Tucker. We shot it on, like, the sidewalk in Brooklyn. And that was it.

It was just a shitty yeah you know it was bad I don't remember who it was but yeah I remember getting them and I'm like yeah I look fucking worse than I look now yeah it's embarrassing right embarrassing they're the worst I even see them at the cellar and I'm like oh these are all bad isn't that your favorite part of it though like when you do like the comedy cabaret in Doylestown or even like this or the old Atlanta punchline I love looking at all those headshots on the wall of people I don't know because like when that guy

you know what I mean Mike Stetton you know you see a guitar stem and you're like that guy had the same dream I had it's like a fucking mini museum you go to the Royal Oak Comedy Castle it like wraps around oh yeah

gary shanley uh leno yeah it's kind of you're like holy shit they played this room yeah right then yeah you're right the ones you've never heard of you're like what the fuck is what happened kids death suicide what happened i remember one time this is like years ago joe mackie and i were at the comic strip and we were pointing. We were like, there's some heavy guy with a mustache. And we were like laughing. We're like, who's that guy? And someone walked over.

They were like, he's not a comic. He was the guy who would do the delivery for the cash. And one night he got shot in the head. Oh, wow. We're like, oh. Jesus. Well, he's fat. Exactly.

Tape a flower to his fucking picture. Yeah, we're like, you can't do that to us. Yeah but some of those uh some of those headshots are like it's amazing amazing of the time you could tell the time they were taken and i'm i would never get bored of standing there looking at people i don't know who they are i could do that all day because i'm just like what fucking happened to you i know what mistakes did you make were you not funny was this a part-time thing were you a drunk yep i love those stories a lot of drunks a lot of drugs in the 80s i've been a lot of coke heads oh yeah don't you love those stories of guys who like hey he's on the tonight show and then he drank it like you learn from those guys you're like i'm so glad i didn't fucking if wherever i go i go but i didn't wreck it by being self-destructive were you when did

you become sober i was 18 i was a. I was a young fucking suburban problem child. But how did you know at 18 to go sober? Like I would go, maybe I'll drink less or I won't black out. But to go sober has got to be tough. My father was sober in a program. And I went to rehab for wrist slicing and calling the FBI drunk. I used to call the Klan members and tell them how wrong they were. I was an asshole.

Suburban angst, you know. Well, this could be worse. I thought you were going to say members and tell them how wrong they were. I was an asshole. Suburban angst. You know. Well, this could be worse. I thought you were going to say you called them like, you guys are doing great. I remember that. Dude, I fucking I remember I read some book on the Klan and I was a little SJW at 15 and I looked up his number and information and he was a Klan preacher and I called him and I'm like, it's

wrong that you're racist. And he actually talked to me on the phone. He said, well, you know, I don't do that anymore. I left and then that you're racist and he actually talked to me on the phone he's like well you know i don't do that anymore i left and then we had like a chat he talked to me on the phone this guy and then i you know i don't remember what happened after that but you joined sure i was like well now that that pussy's out there's an opening that's amazing you called an ex-clan yeah you dial 411 and you dial 155 whatever the number was to that local thing and the guy got on i couldn't believe he got on the fucking phone wow that's crazy i thought people were accessible now with twitter and shit you can just call it he's like i still don't like jews but the rest of them are okay yeah he admitted that he was

wrong about i guess he was realized like oh somebody's calling my The phone was great back then because you didn't have to worry. I remember calling and I called in bomb threats to my high school. I actually cleared the high school. I was like, we were all drunk, me and my friends. I used to call this nun thing that they would rescue problem kids and I would always tell them I was being molested. Oh, good times. And we would all giggle.

But I cleared the school with a bomb threat. Whoa. I get that. I remember watching from my friends. Like, we were watching from his patio or whatever. We could see people walking into the parking lot. Whoa. Because I had called in.

So it's like, I get why. I would never have been a school shooter, but I get why people want that impact. Of course. Like, why you want people to, like, you've done something that moved the needle. Yes, yes. And when you do clubs on the road, I call in a bomb threat. But that would explain why the curtains always pulled it's the worst one on early show saturday when they pull the curtain back i didn't know that was a curtain i thought i was just half sold but uh i saw tracy morgan this is years ago he was on uh stern and he said he would shit he would

go to the white neighborhood to the community pool and shit in the pool and Howard Stern's like why'd you do that he's like because everyone had to go out of the pool it was like a little power thing kind of like the bomb threat I'm causing these kids to get out this is on me I did this the poop in the pool is a little more hands on yeah

and then the downside is you've had impact but you're now standing with your own shit in water. They can kind of pick you out of a lineup at that point. That's the guy. He's still there. The guy with the fecal matter on his elbows in a semicircle. He pooped in the pool.

That was a big move, he said. That's hilarious. People did it. I respect that. The early school shooting was shit in the pool. Nobody died. Yeah. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by babble baby if you're taking a summer trip abroad in 2023 you might want to be able to walk

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by this kid by the way his last name's sturgeon which like uh you know they're like hoop star popular kid shoots up a school i guess he shot like four people in the bank yesterday. Oh, the Kentucky. Louisville. Tennessee. Oh, wow. He was a bank guy. He had gotten fired. But there's a weird... I wonder if he had CTE because he had

like this... I think OJ had CTE. I'm guessing they'll figure out when he's dead. But they said he got so many concussions he had to wear a helmet when he played basketball. I thought it was a typo in the article. I thought he was like, well, you know, he's baseball and he wore like a helmet in the field or something. I've never seen a dude play basketball in a fucking helmet. I've never either.

It looked insane. Yeah, he looked like an ass. Yeah. And, you know, so I think that's probably, you know, maybe they'll. And he was dunking in the picture. I'm like, maybe don't show a picture of the school shooter throwing down. Yeah, exactly. Cool look. Exactly. Show him going like this. He got fou like, maybe don't show a picture of the school shooter throwing down. Yeah, exactly. Cool look.

Exactly. Show him going like this. He got fouled. You can't show him taking a shot. Sorry. Very good, Mark. I should get a helmet. But, yeah.

I got to pee. I'll be right back. Well, I think there was a Colorado guy. They stopped him. He was going to shoot up a school, and they stopped him. I kind of vaguely remember that. It was like a week ago. Was it like from shit he had written?

Yeah, I think so. And I think they caught him on the way in with the gun and they just grabbed him. I was thinking today, I was talking to my trainer at the gym. They should have something on guns where like all apps can detect when there's a gun nearby. So like if a gun gave up, like you have that find my when you lose your keys. Yes. Some kind of an app that can tell you

when like everything but with police or something. Right. So you don't know when they're coming to bust you. You get the fucking alert. That's a great idea. Yeah.

I mean, gun owners would never go for having a little thing put on their weapon, but still. I guess, but he can make it a law and some guys just have them right here anyway.

So they're already visible. Yeah, but. That's a great call i know but nobody will go nobody will go for it well do you guys stay on while he's pissing you're good right yeah we're okay good i never piss i've wet the bed as a kid so i've built my bladders this big i did too and i i've wet the bed as an adult i pissed the bed multiple times as an adult even with my girlfriend in bed i'm like i pissed a little bit i've done that too yeah it's embarrassing well i only do it when i black out drinking but you do it i'm sober totally sober wow yeah one too many

coffees after 3 p.m and i pissed the bed yeah this is what's bedtime for you because you got the morning show i get i go to bed by 12 and i get up at like 6 45 but i usually don't fall asleep to like 12 45 one o'clock i'm a bad sleeper same yeah i get up at like uh like i envy your life though like when you look at you and sam you guys who are doing like that nightlife i love that life of going going out one o'clock in the morning i got a spot or you can go to like the party at the cellar tomorrow night i uh i gotta be home like by 9 30 10 o'clock like a fucking old lady it sucks but do you kind of like the structure like all right i know where my money's coming in i know where my my job is is there anything to that or do you like or do you hate the structure?

No, I like the fact that it makes me go to the – I'm able to go to the bank and do normal person things. Oh, yeah. Because when I have all night to myself, I'm just basically – I'm online all night. I'm jerking off. I'm watching – it's dysfunctional. I do my spots. I go to bed at 7 a.m. Yeah.

Like when I was doing Tough Crowd, I would go to bed at like 7 o'clock, 8 o'clock in the morning. Wow. Wake up. doing tough crowd i would go to bed at like uh seven o'clock eight o'clock in the morning wake up sometimes if i had a no episode that day i would sleep until 4 30 oh um or if i had an episode i would go to bed at like five and get up at one like it was just totally upside down and then nothing gets done nothing gets done and you become depressed because you're like oh now i'm up and the sun's down and then now i'm up or down and the sun's up it's it's fucks with your cerebellum i don't know serotonin whatever whatever it is yeah we're talking about going to just being upside down like i envy your schedules that you guys are just out like living road comic lives like i love that schedule oh really yeah being up all night oh yeah yeah and you just

can't do it because of the radio you mean yeah it sucks like it's like having a it lets you help like a real life where you can okay i can do can do these things that I would never – I wouldn't have a mortgage if I was up all night because I just never would have went to the bank. But now I'm like, yeah, I kind of feel like a regular person. And you still get a set in. I do two a night. Two a night. That's great. Yeah, I usually do Monday through Saturday two a night.

I was only doing one before the pandemic. But after the pandemic, I was like I wanted to just kind of get my shit back, and I just love doing Two a Night now. Two a Night's huge. How much does the radio burn you out writing, though? It helps because you start thinking in directions you wouldn't think of. I agree. You're reading news stories every day, and you're like, oh, yeah, is there an angle on that?

Is there not a funny angle on that? And normally the answer is, of course, no. But I mean, you try, and it gets your mind working. I agree. I mean, that helps you and it gets your mind working. I agree. You guys do so much. I mean, that helps you do so much topical stuff, I guess. Sometimes you do podcasts. I just feel like it hurts my writing because I'm just like,

I only have so much creativity in my head per day, and I'm just burnt the fuck out. But I guess if you have news stories, you're like, this is like a goal. And it's that day. It's live. It's live. Like, people are listening now. So I know that it's like, whatever's it's a lot it's live like people are listening now so i know that it's like whatever we're doing we're gonna burn um so get it out of the way and then tomorrow it's got to be something new so it kind of feels like you have to rifle through news stories real

quick and see what's if there's anything a lot of times we don't get to him but i read him anyway yeah i think that's healthy and then that's a good exercise just going all right i need a dylan mulvaney joke yeah know, it gets the brain going. Although I write on stage. I'm really – Colin is so good. Like you'll see him with like a chicken scratch papers. And I don't not do it out of artistic anything. I'm just not good at that.

I'm much better at writing on stage. And part of it is probably laziness. Like I just – Sure. I get an idea. Like you know how it is. You just talk it through and see what's there. But writing it down is probably so much better.

I think so because I always say I'm going to write it on stage, and then I get up there in that wave of like, oh, this isn't going that well, and I get frazzled, and then I can't think of anything. Yeah, I've gotten used to that over the decades. Oh, did I fucking eat shit last night? Oh, not even aggressive, but I was bombing, and they didn't hate me.

They were just like, no, we're not enjoying what you're doing. And I don't know if it was because it was a bunch of trans stuff after Judy Gold had gone on. So maybe we hit the same topic. Like, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. We might have hit it in a similar way. I haven't seen Judy set in years. So it could have been that with like, yeah, we just kind of heard something along this highway.

I don't know. Yeah. And Judy rants and raves. So she can cover everything. Yeah. She's funny too. Hilarious. Yeah.

Do you ever feel like following people at the cellar with the amount of new stuff you do i mean i i feel that sometimes you're following some new guy at the cellar and they just are murderers and they're doing their greatest hits yeah the a-game yeah and then you go on you're like this happened the news today and the crowd just like what yeah if you're not as zippy as they are they kind of like oh is this guy bombing? Because some of the new comics there are fucking killers. They're killing, yeah. And they're not doing new shit

because they're at the cellar and they don't want SDC. I don't like SDC-ing me, Bob. I've been there since 1995 and she walks in and I'm like, ah, panic. Fucking, John Bobbitt. I just fucking, I fall apart. So no, I don't really,

I don't care who I'm following there because so many of them kill. And on the road, you got to follow guys that are fucking murdering. And over the years at the cellar, you got to follow Chappelle. Like I remember one weekend I was – he was working on his Showtime special. So he was doing longer sets and I was on after him every – you get used to like not giving a fuck. But the only thing I care about is I'll ask somebody, hey, did you do anything on the Dalai Lama?

Like if Rogel comes off for anybody, because you don't want to do the exact same subject. But then you have guys like Dave Attell who are so good that he goes on last, and everyone's done the Dalai Lama, but his is still the best one. Because you never see it. It's so infuriating. You never see it coming.

I know. He's that good. Yeah, you never see it. He's so infuriating. You never see it coming. I know. He's that good. Yeah, you never see his joke. He throws a curveball, even though we know how jokes are structured. And fucking Dave, every fucking time. I know. Comes out of left field. I wonder if he's in his apartment going, no, no.

Is he punching himself in the face? Is he pacing? How does he come up with it? I don't know. He's probably some weird process. He probably just sits on the toilet and flip-flops smoking. It's probably something that you wouldn't think of. Anthony Jeselnik would do the same shit, too.

I never guessed the punchline. And you're trying the whole time. You're like, okay, I got it. Yeah, but I never guess it. No, same. And with him, it is frustrating because Jeselnik is so good. He's very much he has a certain pace to his jokes and a certain we're walking here we're walking here and i'm

gonna hate and the punch line is still coming from where you don't see it coming from he's great yeah he's really really good who's a good writer i just saw um i was like fuck the right ricky velez i watched ricky velez at the patrice benefit oh yeah and he was talking and he followed dice who fucking killed. Wow. And then Ricky goes on, and he's talking about a soup kitchen and depression and all this real shit. Yeah. But it was so funny.

I'm like, this guy is really good because the writing is so good. He killed. He followed him with really personal stuff. Yeah. He didn't fucking panic. It was good to watch a guy like that. He's not even a young comic anymore. He's been around, but not panic. him since he was probably 18 or 19 Yeah

I remember he was just this kid like sprawled out in the fucking Yeah Back room at the Broadway comedy club Right, right But yeah, no, it's awesome It's awesome to see like people just, you know, become who they are To watch them not panic Like to watch a guy in front of 2,500 people

Following a guy who is a legend And who is really funny. Still funny. Still funny. Dice is still funny. Yeah. And to watch this guy just walk up and do his own fucking thing. He's a bro.

Yeah. Like I don't care how long someone's in the game. Like you watch a guy like that and you're inspired by it. You're like, yeah, man, you just do what you do. Don't ever worry about what the guy in front of you does. Totally. Totally. Yeah.

That Patrice benefit is so fucking fun because we all do all these little sets all over the city and then to get to do this theater in the middle of manhattan with these ladies like bill burr john stewart was on that one right yeah yeah so john yeah insane did you close the door in his face no i didn't i forgot that i had done that but i'm but i'm probably even after all this time still too much of a coward to do it to him because it's like, hey, he's going to get something soon. I know. Maybe he'll have me on. Sorry.

Oh, no. I heard he threw out a couple of R's and F's out there. He did. Yes. Yes. I love it. All right. It's Stuart.

What about Stuart? How well did he know Patrice's comedy? Because I remember when Geraldo passed away, he did a really nice piece on Geraldo. But I didn't know how familiar John is with the truth no man i'm sure that by this point like you know ricky gervais loves patrice like he says his favorite comedian so because of everything and the special and all this material he might have reef like a lot of guys just go back and watch stuff so i don't know how familiar but i'm sure he knew his stuff because we were doing tough crowd while he was doing the daily show so you couldn't not know patrice he was on so often um an elephant in the room killer i've never seen the whole thing i stopped no i was there when he shot some

of it i think i went in between shows to see him but um or i came in because we had the same manager jonathan so i might have stopped i think he might have been on stage i don't remember but it's hard to i can't really watch his shit. It's too difficult. Yeah, it makes me sad. But I'll watch like an occasional O&A bit or something I'll listen to. I'm like, it always makes me laugh. Yeah, he was so good off the cuff

and his stand-up was great. According to Will Silvansi, he did two hours that night. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's so much unreleased stuff too that like, would he want that? Would he not want that? Right. Who knows?

That's tough. I know. Right. But, hey. If I die and it can make people money in my family, just release it. I don't care. I don't think Patrice would give a fuck. What, are you going to cancel me?

Yeah, he loved his mother. What about the Mr. P album? Yeah, which is great. Did that have his blessing? I don't know. I don't know um i don't know i know jonathan who's again still my manager um i i know that he's careful about that stuff and he's very protective and he was really good with getting like all these royalties and kind of because patrice was not the most fucking organized uh guy with his finances so jonathan was good at helping

get everything in order and get to family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah, his O&A stuff, I still go back and listen to it. It's great. Because that's one thing, not to blow you, but you guys added a buddy element to comedy. Comedy was, it always had edge. You had your Kinisons, your Dice, your Eddie Murphy.

But you guys had that tough crowd group. And I think people love a group. You know, people like, these are the Rogan guys. These are the L.A. guys. This is the, this crew over here. You guys started the crew thing, I think. Well, it was also, as the internet was getting, like, all these things kind of got passed around in a different way, too.

So, like, it's just shitting on each other. And then Colin managed to turn it into a TV show. Right. And we would do it all the time and then just coming on opiate anthony even the first version of that which was on new in the afternoon playing each other's old tapes and they crucified me my old stand-up from 93 was so bad it was who was in the room it was colin it was boss patrice might have been there and paul mercurio i think i don't remember who was there i want to say it was colin patrice and boss um and then just having yourself crucified like that on the radio it was humiliating i can't imagine colin's like i can't

even look at it but it could make you fearless at a certain point because you're like what else can they fucking yeah it's almost like eight mile when he just turns himself right what else when you get used to the one advantage to that like we were just friends shitting on each other that's all it was yeah but when you are used to being called out on everything by guys who are legitimately funny you know bill burr and and fucking and colin and these guys are ruthless when they call you a bobby bobby's a mean fuck oh you know bob Kelly is a fucking, you know what, and he catches himself. But these guys calling you out on stuff, you knew they were right.

You know what I mean? Taking each other to hack court, which was always... So hack court, from what I've heard, it's you take someone's bit and you break down whether or not it's hack. Whether or not you're a hack. And it was always Keith and Patrice and Kevin. And it was like nobody was rooting for the other guy. Believe me believe you did not have a lot of defenders it

was all like we want to call you a hack yeah um but it did make you more aware of like i have to write good stuff because again you see guys like colin going on well when patrice would go on he was just such a naturally funny person right you feel You feel guilty and like I'm going to get shit on coming with the same thing every night. I remember being on one night and just doing some weak joke and Colin walking through the room and he just went, nice writing, lazy. And he walked out. And it made me laugh. I wasn't mad at him. And the crowd didn't understand, but I knew he was right.

It was a fucking shit. Like, you know what I mean? LA, you know, New York, people are different type of fucking level of shit. Sure, sure. And when you have guys that are going to make fun of you, you kind of. I mean, if a comic did that now, it'd be like front page comedy talk. Yeah, that'd be like, well, look at this dick going through talking to her. My said heckling me.

What a piece of shit. Also, you think comics would ever do it to your fucking face? I feel like now it's all on social media. That's true. And now it's like to get engagement. Right. This person sucks and now it's like to get engagement right this person sucks and it's like to get retweets and you're like hate it oh yeah it's it's there's no kindness behind it like what colin's doing is actually warm oh yeah and he knew i could take it and he knew i would gladly yell at him like it was a friend it was never right there wasn't an ounce of anything shitty he knew it would make me laugh uh yeah but if it was a different thing he would have you know started a new twitter

handle anonymously i would know who it was though yeah hey mumbling old idiot insulted me oh i see mark or joe in the doorway doing this during my set i fucking laugh every time we dude making the fucking stink face at keith robinson i got yelled at for that there was a comic and we would do it to each other all the time. You fucking suck. Just to try to distract each other. So I was doing it to a comic I knew on stage at the Cellar.

And I'm like, boom, like fucking yeah. And then he saw me at the Cellar later that night and he goes, what the fuck was that? He exploded on me. He was a bigger guy. I was was like what the fuck and he goes you fucking cocksucker really fucking vicious

I was like I'm sorry man I was just having fun with you I didn't know what to do because there was no ill intent it turned out A we didn't know each other that well I guess but he had just quit smoking and when you quit smoking I remember I had a big fight with Colin

when I quit smoking. I was crying. Oh, wow. Your emotions are fucking crazy. Sure. The male version of being pregnant? Yes, it really is. And I was so upset.

And it's like, when you quit smoking, you're a fucking maniac. And he did apologize for that. He's like, I'm sorry, man. I just... But yeah, some guys didn't take as well as that.

There's always something behind it. It's usually not not about this thing there's always some internal thing going on yeah because i didn't mean it i was just having fun it was fun telling someone they i love looking at marina on stage yeah and just and knowing they catch your eye and you're just like oh wow it's the last time i fuck with ben bailey geez no it wasn't ben i think ben we all know is crazy enough to fucking throw you through a window oh yeah oh yeah i've heard stories yeah everybody knows ben has a fucking you know ben's a great No, it wasn't Ben. I think Ben, we all know, is crazy enough to fucking throw you through a window. Oh, yeah. I've heard stories. Yeah, everybody knows Ben has a fucking, you know.

Ben's a great guy, but you know. Yes, and he's huge. It is funny when people try to fuck with your set. I was definitely drunk on stage the other night, and Rachel Feinstein and Liz are in the doorway just doing this my entire set. It's like such a great... It's fourth grade. You just turn over and see. You're you're like all right that's great we used to i remember when vos was on stage at caroline's one time and you know the curtain was uh pulled to the shock of no one and uh me and florentine were on different sides of the room and like

florentine used to love to start groans so like vos is on and and And I'm on one side And Jim is on the other But it was Jim's thing And he would go like Oh And then you hear People groaning And it was so

We ruined his whole set That's amazing 40 minutes of it And Voss is going What the fuck And he's snapping at the audience And it really wrecked his set And he had no idea

That it was coming from us That was satisfying That's great Yeah And he's an easy guy to groan at yeah oh he is yeah is he offensive is it awful who knows right either both i'm just going to get the fedora when i was a young comic i did a bringer show at caroline's and my mom came and i fucking sucked but my mom saw rich voss and he said to a woman lady you're

at two on a tuesday my mom turned me me, she goes, he's repulsive. Here's why he's repulsive. Because he used the syllable two on a Tuesday. That's why he's repulsive. Lady, you're a three on a Tuesday. It's funnier. Two on a Tuesday sounds like you got caught up in your word economy. Two, yeah. It doesn't sound right.

No. It's just an insane thing that you go to a comedy club, you get done up, and Rich Voss goes, you're a two on a D. Yeah, I mean. Hilarious. Well, had the woman heckled him or something? She probably said something he didn't like. Probably.

But, I mean, I was laughing. But, yeah, it's. I did a country club gig at like a rich, hoity-toity Long Island country club. And it was me, Voss, Jessica Kirsten, and somebody else. And everybody. I had to go first. I ate shit. I died. These people weren't having it.

Kirsten goes up, murders. And then Voss was last. And I was like, how's he going to do this? He annihilated it. He trashed everybody in the room and they loved it. And he did it sitting on a stool. He has a crazy, because Voss is so fat. His thinking is so fat.

Yeah. Voss will butcher a word. he'll say the dumbest shit uh but like he's like great minds think a lot there's no iron but his mind there's such a genius to the way his mind works and he'll just sit there and it's so confident he fucking murders murders like that where you think he can't follow people or whatever, he slows them. Todd Barry I admire too because Todd will always talk at his own pace. He never changes and he brings people in. And that's what Voss does. He has the ability to do that.

I panic. They couldn't be more different, but yeah, you're totally right. I mean, and Voss, the quickness. I remember at the roast, Colin called him the master of the counterpunch. Yes. Holy shit. So true. That is Voss. Yeah, he is. And he can get beaten up for a long time. The quickness. I remember at the roast, Colin called him the master of the counterpunch. Yes. Holy shit. So true.

That is Voss. Yeah, he is. And he can get beaten up for a long – it's fun, by the way, when guys like that are murdering you. Like when you walk in – like the worst would be when you would walk in and you'd hear like, ha. And like Keith was already laughing before you got in. And you're like, I know I'm going to get attacked. Yeah. But having funny people just attack you, it's fun. Like it would make me laugh

that these guys who are so good at being mean yes are shitting on me you can't enjoy that i was walking around the corner last night from the mcdougal room to the village underground room on my phone sending an email and i just hear look up stupid and it's keith on a cane walking by me i'm like he just he'll never say it's amazing he'll never stop i love it he also never complains to keith is keith i've never met a person who complained more when they were healthy and less when they weren't he is fucking amazing keith never feels sorry for himself all right never complains he does his material he's like i'm an asshole i deserve it like keith is a really interesting guy the fact that he his material is so fucking funny.

His new shit is insane. It's crazy, yeah. It's so funny. And he's unbreakable, like, with you being teased and made fun of. You say anything to him, he doesn't care. Yeah, he'll laugh at any—you call him the N-word, he would just laugh. Try it. Let me know how that worked.

I bet he would. I bet he'd go, what? Oh, you're crazy. I remember I had just seen 12 Years a Slave and I was sitting down at the table with Keith and I was like oh it was excellent

he goes shut the fuck up I was like oh yeah you shouldn't describe that movie as excellent to a black man it was a good movie

it was good but I still shouldn't have said it that way yeah yeah yeah Keith will call you out on it but the guy we would always talk about those guys were never sensitive to it no no they knew where it was coming from

you're just having a conversation about what gets people in trouble and there was never any like hey watch what you say to yeah to keith or patrice or kevin those guys didn't know we were at the cellar one time and it was like a headline news this black guy was shot in philly and we were all like talking about it kind of tiptoeing and keep goes what'd he do and so I said the story he's like he's deserved it you're like okay there you go Keith approves but everyone else was like no he's the victim whatever but he was just like no no fuck that guy yeah I've been with Keith when the police bothered us I dropped him and Patrice might have been him Patrice and Kevin they lived in Woodbridge together at the time I think so I drove them and it was just me and those three in a parking lot.

We were just talking. And a cop pulled up and wants, what are you guys doing here? And Keith goes, ah, we're just talking. And I'm like, dude, will you fucking shut up? Yeah, right. Immediately confrontational. Right. Yeah, I mean, Keith was raised in a very tough Philly area.

Sure. So he did not get along with the police. But I've seen it firsthand how fast he went from zero like funny keith it was out the window and it was what the fuck you guys want interesting yeah which uh you know i i groveled and talked my way out of a problem but yeah i was like fucking come on man what are you doing so i don't know if you know this but i had for my audition at the cellar i had to follow you did you yeah and it was 2013 it was the height of like the radio show yeah so you got a huge pop and people are yelling stuff at you like inside jokes and all that i was fucking trembling on the side of the stage and then a girl walked by and she was

super hot and she had huge boobs and you were in the middle of a bit and you're like whoa what's your name sister and she's like i'm sheila and you're like i'm gonna fuck sheila in the bathroom and you're killing with all this shit and i was just going up there with my dumb jokes. I was terrified. Well, obviously, you killed. Look at you now. I mean, you fucking got in at the cellar and you're selling out theaters. Well, I remember that night, by the way, because Mark was fucking.

You called me before the audition. I was terrified. Mark is not a caller. He's a texter. So I'm like, fuck, Mark's calling me. What is he calling about? And then I remember I was like playing a shithole in Somerville, South Carolina. I remember that week. Wow. I've never even heard of that town. Yeah, it's calling me. What is he calling about? And then I remember I was playing a shithole in Somerville, South Carolina. I remember that week.

Wow, I've never even heard of that town. Yeah, it ain't good. Damn. But yeah, I remember that night. Yeah, and the only reason I got over on the audience, because they were still buzzing from your set, I just said, well, I was dating Sheila until a minute ago. And that saved me. If I didn't have that riff, I wouldn't have gotten in.

That's hilarious. It's funny though but it was a risk it was a risk she used to audition people I think when I auditioned there it was on a I got in at the

Seller Dangerfields on the same day Rick Dorfman was my manager at the time he worked for Caroline's and this was like before he went out on his own and I think

I don't know who you have to follow but she would put you on like after Angel Salazar and he would fucking annihilate on a late show Friday. Like it wasn't a lot of times. I think now it's earlier, but back then there was only a couple of shows.

So you would go on a lot of times on the late show Friday. Yeah. And it was rough. And that's the worst show. Always. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're drunker, they're tired, but you had to do well to,

but there were less spots there anyway. You know what I mean? There was X amount of spots and then food spots. Right which you know i did for years you just get paid in a meal was the seller the seller then or was it just a club no it's a club i mean it was the seller but it was half sold on a monday there would be one long show started at like 9 p.m and i did food spots for years and noam saw me once and he goes he should be on regular paid spots so they gave me a paid spot but i bombed right back to food spots for a while what does that mean you get a free meal and not a paycheck you get 10 yeah it would happen like 11 or 12 it would switch to 20 minute paid

spots to 10 minute food spots and everybody like you know myself rusman eve judah all those guys would just do 10 minutes and you get paid in a full meal damn that's when you want to eat midnight yeah yeah yeah you want to go in earlier russman eve would always eat for six people he was amazing watching that compulsive idiot fucking shuffle it was inspirational like russ is getting his fucking money's worth but it made you better yeah you had to be funny or you wouldn't get spots anymore cbs where we got free meal oh Oh, man. That was good food. That was great food. I remember, oh, Wayne Rader. Yes, yes. Oh, yeah. I remember him.

He was pocketing a lot of that money. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was interesting. Now, what do you think about this? And feel free to kick me in the balls here. You get a free meal every show. And the food was incredible.

It was like chicken marsala. It was like high-end shit. We're all poor. So this was like a big deal. Yes. So I had just eaten, and i got the free meal ticket or whatever and i said i'm gonna come back tomorrow and cash this in so i came back tomorrow and they're like you don't get a free meal the day's over i'm like but i did the set so what do you

think here i think that um you're broke at that time i think they should have uh given you the free mail but but but never allowed you to come back in again. I think they should have given you a meal and said, take it to go. Yeah, I mean, a free mail for a guy. You never forget the places that fuck you like that, that won't feed you. I know. It was a fight. I brought a date there on New Year's.

Oh, where was that? It was on the corner of McDougal and Bleeker. Yeah, and I bombed in front of her, but then we ate a good meal. Oh, there you go. Did you fuck your date? Yeah, we were dating. Oh, and I bombed in front of her, but then we ate a good meal. Oh, there you go. Did you fuck your date? Yeah, we were dating. Oh, it wasn't just the first. Is there anything worse than when you bring a girl to a fucking show?

Been there. And you go up there and you fucking, oh, you shit the bed. I brought a girl. I was currently fucking. She was a cute blonde, and she loved the fact that I was a stand-up. I turned her on, and I brought her to a show, and I ate shit, and she never fucked me again. Oh. Yeah. Did she say anything about it?

She was just like, well, you got to get out of here, you know. I was like, well, the crowd was tough. I tried some new stuff. She was like, all right. She was already in a cab. Yeah, that's the worst because like a lot of times, any girl that's ever fucked me, it's never a fucking physical. It's always like a personality thing or the thing about being a stand-up.

But when they see you bomb, it's like the little bit of mojo you had is gone. Exactly. And I see you for what you are. Yeah bit of mojo you had is gone exactly for what you are yeah man we get shit for being like oh she's too heavy or whatever but if they see me bomb it's over yes that chick the worst i'm doing the more my side fat and tits are visible yes yes fitzsimmons has that great thing where he's like after a good set you're a superhero for three hours but once that three hours goes away you start if you don't hook up with the girl within that time or get back to her place or whatever it is it starts fizzling you're a superhero at that location yes yes you take him to another location those powers don't work your

clark can't yeah yeah you got you got it you got to rope her into your thing like she has to like you by the time that time is up right then when you go out then she's like oh okay i already like this guy and you know the first impression was a a good first impression yeah well what are you 68 i'm 54 54 i will be 68 hopefully keep taking that prep but here by the way by the way the fact that i gave you a this is why i should be drummed out of show business the fact that you're riffing and i go no i'm 54 you fucking weak-chinned idiot but do you are you getting the ladies like oh i like older men this is hot because yes my age group is a no-go from my end it's a no-go not that i'm gonna fuck anyone who can get pregnant anyway at this point in my life

um no yeah i i I tend to date young. I have a girlfriend. I've had a girlfriend for a while. It's like, it's weird not... And you're living together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's a big step.

It is. Yeah, and I like it. I mean, it's like, the other shit, even when I'm single, if I'm not fucking a lot of girls, you jerk off,

you watch porn. It's endless. It's an endless cycle of dopamine that makes you feel bad when you're done. So I actually like it. It's good to come and not that makes you feel bad when you're done. So I actually like it. It's good to come and not be sad. Well, I didn't say that.

I didn't say that. I mean, I come and then all of a sudden she'll take the rope off her neck and get down from the stool. Put it on your neck. Thanks for the visual. Then you come. Yeah, no, the sex is is but it becomes i like being a little domestic because i would never have been it's the first time i've ever lived with anybody it's the first time i've ever done this stuff and like when i was 53 it started so it's like yeah i

like it i like i've done every other angle and uh being the first time you live with someone never did it before wow never that's impressive you made it that long i know but it's like now i'm for all these things i'm like my life is a hack 80s set like you know what i mean you hold the purse on the wall like all the stuff i never did i'm doing now so i like it though it makes me feel human yeah i cook together all that stuff yeah yeah you should cook like fresh fish and stuff and i just like i'm so happy she's there yeah i'm like i really love her and i'm like i'm happy she's at my place like this once in a while you're like fuck i would love to but then like that stuff always made me feel bad yeah exactly and the head games of like she didn't respond or maybe i'm being too annoying or whatever and just

worrying about what she's thinking and if she likes you yeah all that shit drives me crazy the dating stuff oh yeah the apps and stuff you're just like this is a fucking it and then you you're not satisfied you want to like meet someone else it it's oh it's never ending completely it's never carlin had a thing he talked about like with people taking different like you know uh vehicles on trips but he was he said too many choices america it's not healthy yeah and he was so right like i it's not healthy for me when i can just swipe or look a lot it's like there's no there's nothing invested in any of these it's just a moment a moment a moment and then you're just alone i mean how many times you sift through

netflix for like two hours you never even picked anything you just kept sifting and then you're done you're like i gotta go to bed that's a great point tv you had cable and you were like this is casinos on i'm watching it we were watching something recently where the god it was some it was i was watching this movie really good movie by the way good rec if you haven't seen it blow out the depalma movie oh is that with uh john travolta nancy allen yeah really good movie i'd never seen it but uh anyway there's a local newscaster and he's like my show gets eight million viewers and you're like a local news show that gets like people didn't have options and that's kind of good it was better because you know what when it's shit on tv you watch less tv that's right and now when you can do anything like tiktok mark and i were talking about this when we were walking over here we were just like holy

shit the amount of shit on tiktok right now the amount of options the fact that it knows you you just it's it is crack yeah it is so hard it's hard for us adults to get off it like i can't imagine what it's like for kids oh my god i know my lady is younger than me and i'll go to the bathroom and i can tell she's like oh i can look at tiktok for three minutes or whatever two minutes and i'm like geez that's an addiction it's hard not to because there's really interesting stuff too it's like a lot of it is shit but a lot of it is like i'm watching pilots in turbulence i'm like i've never been able to see that i want to see what it looks like in the cockpit fucking turbo i want to watch a guy climbing a building with no harness yeah all those like urban climbers like there's a lot of shit

that's interesting to watch well you're going wholesome i thought your tiktok would be a lot crazy i don't have tiktok i took it off the phone tiktok is wholesome though is it i mean i got 13 year old camel toe twerking really in yoga In yoga pants. We got different alogos. You know, I just didn't like TikTok. They said that, like, it got too much of your information. I'm just like, eh. And you don't need it. Yeah, it's not my thing anyway.

I don't do great on social media. Democrats and Republicans are, like, this is, like, the one issue they're coming together on to destroy TikTok. That's true. Only because it's Chinese and they think that the Chinese government is using it. Here's what will happen with TikTok. They'd be dumb if they were using it. Of course they would. The American, the Chinese government will remove its interest or ability to check it

and then it will stay. They're not going to take it off the app store. I don't think so. Really? I don't care if they do. I'm not on it, so I don't care. Well, it's funny because they're acting like Facebook and all this shit isn't doing the same thing.

They're all taking the data. I know, but it's our country taking the data. It's American and they probably can monitor it easier. The regulations for American companies is probably different than in communist China. It's probably harder to get information. And then the irony is China only allows you to use TikTok for like two

hours a day. Does it really? Yeah, they have a governor on it and we don't. And it's their app. And they're probably like, if they wanted to, you could make us look at anti-American shit probably. Yeah, yeah. More than anything else. True. And it's young people on there.

True. They probably have more algorithm control. Oh, for sure. Yeah. I just can't do it. I'll look once in a while on Instagram, but I'm like, yeah, I like the camel toe stuff too. Or I'll see like workout video. But I'm like, ugh, this is just is just awful on the road it's bad though the last time i'm trying not to jerk off

and the last time i was on the road and doubt i was a fucking it was just like literally all three days yeah hours of jerking that suck when you're like all right and then you're just like no i'm just gonna jerk off yeah i don't write i type with my left hand there's a difference um because my girlfriend wasn't with me. Yeah. But I got to a point recently where I'd wait for her to fall asleep and just sit in the other room

and fucking... Yeah, I do that too. It's like what a married guy does. You know what I mean? You're like, this is what my life is. I know. It's like your mom again.

You're like, oh, I can't let her find out. You're hiding socks. Oh, I thought you were going to say I have to hope she walks in. Yeah. I got to ask you about one of your specials where you have De Niro in the intro. Oh, yeah.

That's insane. You had fucking Robert De Niro in the intro. It was one of your Netflix shows, right? Yeah, it was the one Netflix. Yeah, I did the other ones I did for Epix and HBO. But, yeah, I got into this thing where I would get people I love to intro me. I had Ozzy do it one year. Wow.

You had Michael K. Williams from The Wire. Michael K. Williams, yeah. love to intro me i had ozzy do it one year wow michael k williams from the wire michael k williams yeah that got one of the biggest pops ever because my face uh everybody knew i was obsessed with omar from the wire and we finally interviewed him and uh it started with my face and tape on my mouth and then the people saw him lean in and then he uh said something he just licked my head and the place went fucking wow that. That was a highlight. But De Niro. How did you approach him for that? I texted him.

I asked him. I asked Michael. I knew him. So we interviewed him finally at Opie and Anthony and he recognized me from Lucky Louie. Oh, wow. And then I would see him occasionally after that and we traded numbers. And I just texted him and said, would you do it? He goes, yeah, I would.

And he didn't ask for the script. I also, with De Niro, I didn't show him the full script either I had written to his people years before that because I wanted De Niro to introduce me and I never heard back but then we I worked on that movie The Comedian with him and Taylor Hackford who was the director because I didn't ask for any extra money when I helped with certain jokes. I was fine with it. And he goes, well, Bob really likes you. You could just ask him. Because I've had meetings with Taylor and De Niro just talking about stand-up or whatever. It was so bizarre.

I was so scared that I wasn't scared. It was like I was just sitting and it was just me, De Niro, and fucking Taylor Hackford sitting and having coffee talking about it. They're both awesome, I've heard. Yeah, I mean, Taylor was great to me. He can be very tough.

But he loved me because I would just throw out joke ideas and we just clicked for some reason. So I think he helped pave the way with that. And I asked, I sent a message to De Niro through his PayPal and they wrote back, Bob would love to do this for you. Wow. I couldn't fucking believe it. But I wanted De Niro to spank me, but I kept that out of the thing. And I think that when I sat down with him in his office, because his assistant said, hey, why don't we get everybody out and just let Jim and Bob talk about what this is going

to be? And he's amazing because he's like, what do you want me to do? Like, you're directing him. You're telling him what you want. And I told him, and and i got there's gonna be a thing right where you spank me i go but i brought like uh i brought like a brush for you uh but he goes i don't care i'm like good remember you said that because i'm like i'm gonna drop my fucking pants over your lap so we're doing the scene and he's slapping me um and he goes you

want me to miss you i'm like no hit me and so he hit me lightly and i'm like i'm like no you should really you're like done away in chinatown i'm like hit more like him in fucking raging bull come on hit me harder right but i'm told him to really hit me and he did he slapped the fuck out of me and it hurt and then when he spanked me i pulled my pants down got over his lap and he spanked me uh but then i he goes let's do one where we're standing and that was the one we wound up using he was right he just knew how that would play on camera and he fucking he was it was so it murdered on the special wow but that was um yeah I was very lucky I also Gervais and Louie were in that opening too Louie was the hardest one to get Louie was the busiest and uh he was the last one

I finally shot wow but um But yeah, Ricky did it. And then Louis and then De Niro was like at the end. But yeah, I'll never top that. Yeah, it's got to be hard to do a special after that because that's so big. It's hard to follow it. Yeah, I'll probably. I mean, I'm ready to shoot something now. I'll probably just YouTube it and do very poorly and have to have everybody see how poorly the numbers are doing.

Nah, we'll all push the hell out of it. But I'll never top that. I'll never get. No, that's insane. And that was, was that the Netflix one where you did it? You did like that one crowd work moment in there? I think so, yeah. Somebody said something and I just kept it.

I just liked it. I don't remember what it was. I remember you did that and I remember like, wow, not a lot of specials do this and I kind of liked it, you know? Yeah, I think they wanted me even to not do it, but I just liked that moment. I don't remember why.

I don't remember why that stayed in. I have no idea. But I never mind leaving that stuff. No, leave it in. Because that's the stuff that catches now. That's the stuff people talk about is that crowd work moment. Yeah, I mean, I guess it was a good special, but I don't watch any of them back once they're finished. You know how it is.

You guys understand. You watch it once while you're editing and you're done. And then I'm like, but that opening I would watch again. Like that, I feel really. That was awesome. Yeah. Stand-up is hard for me to watch in general at this point. Like back in the day I would watch specials all the time.

I feel like Mark still does at times. I try. I try to. I just, I like the beginning. To me I'm like, let me see how they set this special up and what they do different, what room it's in. But yeah, it's tough to watch a full hour. Like Big Jay's got one. It just hit a million.

Yeah. And I think Big Jay's hilarious. so I watched most of that one. Kinane has a new one that's incredible. Might be his best work. Kyle Kinane, check that out. So there's a lot of good comedy, but there might be too many specials. There's a special every 10 seconds. I know.

I don't watch them because I'm just terrified of – like I have to know where a joke came from. Like people accuse me – they said I took something from Norm. It was something very similar we had done in our specials apparently but i shot my special first and i didn't see norm do stand-up so i knew in my exactly where this came from like i knew where this bit came from because i remember when it started in my real life uh but if i don't know where it comes from and it's something similar i will drop it like you know what i mean but i always have to know so if i watched a lot of stand-up,

I wouldn't know where it came from. But I have to be able to trace back where a joke came from. I feel similarly. And even if you do come up with it on your own, there's such a thing as parallel thinking. Yeah, of course. I mean, that actually happened to me with a Norm bit that I actually didn't know.

Really? Yeah, what my mom said to me about Epstein, the worst part is that he's a Jew. And I didn't know that was a Norm. The Cosby is that he's a Jew and I didn't know that was a norm that no one has Cosby yeah I know that until I posted the on thing oh I pulled it you know when people go like like this is like for people who are not stamps go you it's like you took that it's like no there are thieves and we but we kind of know who the thieves and concept Steelers are

like most comics are gonna step on each other's dicks going for a topical joke once a lot of angles are there I mean especially like that's why a lot of us will you know steer clear of you know a trump thing you're like oh my god how many fucking angles exactly yeah like i don't watch people i like i do a whole thing about trump and how his hair is perfect i'm hoping nobody's stepped on that but yeah yeah yeah but i like it you think the late night guys would uh get on board with this i watch colbert then you watch chef meyer then you watch trevor noah then you watch what and it's all the same trump stuff you're like come on you guys are all on at the same time that's why i mean i happen to

love greg gutfeld because he's been he's been good to me for years and i love the fact that he's beating all of them only because it's a different angle it's like it's not the same angle they're coming from if those guys would switch it up they would do great again i know exactly and now fallon's doing politics you're like you're not that guy what are you doing you're the ping pong guy or the lip sync guy he's doing politics yeah a lot of politics up top don't let it come from the same angle like carson would shit on every you never really knew where he stood on because he was just making fun of all of them that's's it. You don't need this. That's not a friend of comedy.

You're fucking – I agree with you. Well, in the setup, when people are clapping in the setup, you've got yourself a fucking problem. You're dead in the water. And that's like – that's a lot of what it is now. It's not even a joke. It's like a pander. Yeah. It's agreeance comedy.

Yeah. Like I don't need – I would much rather have them not agree with me but think the punchline is so good they laugh like i like doing pro trump stuff and pointing out why i think people who don't like him what's wrong with you like i like doing that in new york because i know i feel them fucking holding back and i know where i'm going with it and i i know satisfying it's going to be when they hear it and they just go fuck it that's funny and they laugh you know what i mean like that's comedy i don when they hear it and they just go, fuck it. That's funny. And they laugh. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's comedy. I don't need them to agree with me.

A reluctant laugh is worth more. Oh, yeah. It's way better, way more impressive, too. But I did a Trump arraignment joke. I'm like, you know, he might go to jail. And the audience started applauding. And I was like, well, this is over. This is fucked.

Yeah, because I don't need them to. But again, they've been kind of taught that that's a good thing. I know. They're all signaling to each other. I'm good. Are you good? Yeah, we're all good. Yeah, we're heroes.

There's fear. Yeah, but I don't. Thank God I don't get it on the road. But I do feel it sometimes in the city where they're just like. Definitely in the city. Yeah. But the other shit happens on the road. Like, I fucking hate.

I don't care if people make fun of trans people. But I hate the legislation, the anti-gay shit. It drives me fucking crazy. So I was mocking it in Texas. I'm like, in here, where the pro-abortion stuff is probably not going to do as well. You know where you are, the stuff that's going to make them go until they hear the punchline. You know what I mean? It's just the total opposite there than it is here.

But people who think that they're so free-thinking, you fucking Texans, you're as awful as New Yorkers are. I know. It's weird. And vice versa. You're the same fucking people. Same people. Stop thinking you're such freeans you're as awful as new yorkers are i know it's me and vice versa you're the same fucking people same people stop thinking you're such free thinkers dummies because you just get upset at different things and it's very take that out i gotta go to texas it's very paint by numbers too like this group's gonna get mad about this this this topic and this group's gonna get mad about this this this topic and they think they're so different but it's just the same side of a different yeah there's certain parts of my new hour that i feel pushed back in different parts

of the yes and i'm like maybe that's good maybe that's good yeah you're not making everybody happy right yeah i'll read a bill burke like i'll look at a youtube and you read his comments like this fucking libtard pussy he's lost his age and the next one's like oh that's all right piece of shit you're like all right they don't even know where he's at. It is funny when you do a joke and people both politically come at you and either think you're on their side. Like because of what Carlin talked about free speech, a lot of conservatives are like, this is the guy. Right. Yeah, watch the rest of the hour. And it's like, do you not know that he would have hated your stance on gays and abortions and everything else that's the brilliance of carlin is that literally people from every thought you know and any political ideology are sharing his clips like

see that's yeah and you're like i i don't know i mean but that's when you're that good an entertainer and it's that well written i mean but carlin would kill for everybody he would and he was also he was he was so good because he was talking about the people in the room. Like those were a lot of his fans, but he wouldn't say you – he would just talk about people and they would laugh, and half of them were bankers or whatever he was talking about. But it was so good. But they were able to laugh at themselves. Yeah. I know. And that's like – and that's great that you could actually make someone laugh at themselves.

And you're doing it without being like you fucking – kill yourself. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I went to one of his special tapings in that before i did stand up it's like 1989 i was gonna start comedy and i wound up going to uh this something the second one he shot at the state theater in new jersey and you could see me in the special in like the third row um and some of the angles it's hard but i'm sitting there i have like a little turtleneck and I think a chain. And it was like 89. So after the show, I wanted to meet him.

So I walk up and I'm like, hey, I'm a comedian. I lied. I'm like, can I meet George? Like, he's not meeting anybody. I'm like, I'm a comedian. The guy's like, all right. Wow.

Brought me backstage and I got to go upstairs and meet Carlin. And he was, again, he signed my fucking ticket stub. And he was very nice. You know what I mean? He gave me, I forget what advice he gave me.

I think I asked him something about his wife being sober. But he was nice. He worked the whole room. He talked to everybody. But yeah, I was very happy to meet him. That's amazing that that's the password. It worked. I'm a comedian.

I'm a comedian. Yeah, but it doesn't work with everything. No. Try that at the fucking garden to meet Sabbath or one of the Knicks. I'm a comedian. Yeah, but it doesn't work with everything. No. Try that at the fucking garden to meet Sabbath or one of the Knicks. I'm a basketball player. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. I met Carlin, too, and he gave me a little razzing, and it met the world to me. What did he say about you?

I took off work. I skipped work, and he was at Borders Books on Wall Street signing shit, and I waited in line like an idiot with with all the other people and i was watching everyone go up to him he's sitting there at a table and they're going like i loved you in jersey girl i love you and bill and ted i love you in this and i was like ah so i was like i'm gonna be the stand-up guy so i go up and i had brain droppings and all these books i looked like a real dweeb and i go up there and i go hey ge, George, big fan. I love back in town. I love jamming in New York. And I'm dropping all these special names on him. And he's like, you're a comedian?

And I go, yeah. He goes, you sound like a comedian. I go, oh, thanks. He goes, you got a real talent for jacking around. I'm still not sure what that means, but I'll take it. And we got a photo. Oh, you did take one? Oh, it's on my wall framed.

Yeah. Yeah, I got one with him two years later. I always loved Colin for this. When he did Tough Crowd, I got to do it with him it's on my wall framed. Yeah. Yeah, I got one with him two years later. I will always love Colin for this. When he did Tough Crowd, I got to do it with him. I got to be in the sketch. I wasn't supposed to be in the sketch. It was Colin and Colin as priests. And then Colin goes at the end, we want you to dress like an altar boy and break the fourth

wall and ask Colin to sign a record. Oh. So I interrupted the sketch and asked him to sign. And he called me a cock sucking motherfucker and the thing he was he goes I said I love your seven dirty words he goes yeah that you can't say on television he goes here's seven more dirty words you'll never hear on television

welcome to the Jim Norton show everybody seven more things you'll never hear yeah so it was the highlight of my tough crowd time and Jerry was on once too I believe yeah I just found photos. I did a thing with Seinfeld. I was on

once with him, but this was in I think 2002 when they were, it was eight episodes or whatever before they knew if it was going to go. The first one was Janine and I think, I forget who else was on. That one had Jerry and somebody else. It might have been Sarah. I don't remember.

Yeah. But I did that with Seinfeld, Voss, and somebody else, and I was very nervous. It's crazy watching those, because there's like a young Kevin Hart, and he's getting trashed, and now he's the biggest. And then there was a young- But he still would get trashed. Oh, yeah, yeah. He would still take it. That's the beauty of it.

And then a young Chappelle. And you can see they don't have like this glow of like super fan uh super stardom yet but it's so fun to see i mean they were young comics yeah hungry dave was already famous though i remember we saw him we were going to comedy central to do some meeting he was getting on the elevator talking about this new show he was working like he was just starting up with chapelle show but he was known by that like dave was already well known yeah yeah yeah people i think the nutty professor softly right right oh, he's so fucking good in Nutty Professor. Oh, we'd be shopping.

That scene is hilarious. Amazing. Eddie Murphy, that's an underrated, I mean, just that performance is fucking insane by Eddie Murphy. It's like, it's insane. Oh, yeah. That was the Hercules. Yeah.

All the fat suits. Ridiculous. Yeah, he played the mom, the son, the brother. Yeah, incredible. So Eddie Murphy and Eddie Murphy, like when they were promoting yeah oh dude that was so yeah young chapelle he'd done he'd done a decent he did that movie with norm too oh yeah that's right stretch that's right what was the movie screwed i think it's called yeah i think that's it i think you got it screw yeah um norm started i never knew norm that well but he started We started talking After Shane got in trouble

And he was really fucking upset About Shane He would call Shane Yeah he started DMing me He wanted Shane to come on our show But Shane was like Waiting to do his own thing Which was smart

Because it blew up his podcast Perfect playbook Yeah Yeah yeah yeah But Norm was really Bothered by how much Shit he was getting And that SNL had been destroyed

Yeah For him But it worked out better for Shane He's more famous now Than he would have been Sure I think Shane would have was getting and that SNL had been destroyed for him, but it worked out better for Shane. He's more famous now than he would have been. Sure, and I think Shane would have blown up on SNL too. I think he's inevitable. He had this thing now where people like this guy absolutely got fucked, and now we're gonna

see what he had, and he's great. Even the Times had to admit how funny, you know how fucking hard that must have been for them to write that article? After they completely agree probably with him getting fired, to have to admit this guy shouldn't have been fired. I've seen comics walk up to him. I'm not going to name names, but they're like, I shit on you. Sorry.

And I'm like, yes. Good for them for admitting it. Yeah. Did they apologize? Yeah. I mean, because I definitely remember when I was getting trashed and like, you know, for a joke. I remember people trashed me.

Really? Really? All right. Well, I want a list. Yeah. But you remember who it was yeah and you'll never forget no of course not like 9-11 that's right yeah you never forget the guys who fucking uh treated you like shit well i've had good success the first guys

to be nice to be in the city were mark maron louis and colin like all those guys and they were established by that point but in new york they were the guys who weren't insecure about me taking their spot yes like you know a lot of comics in my you know anytime you meet guys in your your area they're worried or they're just like you're the new guy but those guys didn't give a fuck they knew i wasn't going to do anything to hurt what they were doing i've seen that trend the funny guys are never the meanest it's always the you know shaky comics marginal guys will try to sabotage you because they deep down even if they're arrogant and narcissistic they know that they're kind of frauds those guys knew that they weren't like then you know colin's no one's taking colin or louise or fucking mark maron spot maron i feel

like was underrated back then was he not i feel like i mean lou i feel like louie probably got more shine uh colin obviously had the tv show but mar marin i feel like i remember he told me once he's like i did like 37 conan yeah i couldn't sell a fucking ticket on the road that's right yeah i remember being kicked off the radio being and being in florida listening to mark on um it was uh i think it was called morning's edition like morning sedition when he had like the air america show and i was so jealous but back then people didn't, the podcast blew him up, obviously. Right, right. And he's a good actor, so he does like, but he's a great interviewer. He's a good

talker, he's comfortable, he can keep it going for two hours. So that podcast, he used to do that in our studio. When that started, he would come into Sirius and use an Opie and Anthony studio or production studio to do his podcast in. I didn't know that. No, but I'm not saying it was our doing. It was just one of the places

he would tape. Back then, people didn't really... Comedians respected him, though. Comics always respected Mark. Among us, he was... He had a show called Nevermind the Buzzcocks, which I did with Coolio and the woman who sang in Berlin, Take My Breath

Away. It was a very bizarre panel. A lot of range. And you, I heard your interview with him and he had a lot of respect for you. It was a good interview. Oh, I don't remember. I mean, it was on his, he's always been very cool to me. Like, I love Mark. I know a lot of

guys didn't, they thought he was aloof or whatever. But it's because he was kind of you always knew where you stood with him. Like, he was kind of, again, emotionally you stood with him like he was kind of again emotionally honest he was a blunt guy but it's weird there's always going to be heads bumping like I remember listening to some radio show where Geraldo and Patrice

Patrice was like I hated you for a while and now we're cool but if I saw you I wanted to fight you and Geraldo was like really I didn't even know that he's like oh yeah I hated you and you're like man no matter what time or what level you're at, there's always some beef. Yeah, there's always a guy that reads something wrong or it's jealousy

or whatever the fuck that you just like, ugh, I don't, there's people I just don't like. And sometimes I don't know why I don't like them. Yeah. I love Rosebud because like there was somebody she didn't like and there's a bunch of us just sitting there and when the person likes, she's like, I don't fucking like him. And I'm like, the fact that she said it to all like like she didn't care if any of us right i i

really like that she's very blunt yeah we had her on she's great yeah she is she's to the point there's something yeah there's something about having beef though when you get to a certain age where you're like this is fucking i know what are we doing i don't yeah i i had a weird thing with a guy and i just texted him i was like what are we doing and it was kind of like we kind of squashed that's a comedian yeah but i was like what are we doing? And it was kind of like we kind of squashed. Was he a comedian? Yeah, but I was like, what are we doing? And it's fine now. But you get to an age where you're like, I don't want to fucking dread running into an adult.

I know. It's just so stupid. So stupid. Yeah, but don't we – like this is such a fun fucking gig. Like there's enough problems without worrying about bumping into another – it's just annoying i don't want to worry about shit that isn't new jokes yes you know i don't want to worry about shit that isn't you know the job and then you think about you're like oh this is going to take up a part of you know any part of my mind for tonight i don't want to deal with it i completely agree yeah do you avoid eye contact

do you not say hello what do you like i found out there was a guy within the last two years a year somebody told me like yeah he was shitting on your set while you were on and i really want to call him out on it um it's like like like i what are you fucking you think you're a brilliant joke writer you idiots um but i i'm like ah it was told to me kind of in confidence and i'm like and what are you gonna gain by confronting yeah i apologize it's all arrogant i mean how bad was it not terrible but like misreading the point i was making like i hate and like and it was a seller set it was yeah it's like a also a workout set and you've earned you've earned enough respect to be like let him fucking let me find let him find somebody who

didn't like the angle i was taking because i don't double down on either side i think he was one of those people that thinks that if you loathe each side that you're afraid to take a stand uh which you know it's just i would love to have had that chat with him uh yeah about what a fucking who cares i'm afraid to take a stand i'm trying to be funny what was this stand shit am i a politician exactly and it wasn't even that it really wasn't even that. It really wasn't that. It was just, it was annoying his misinterpretation of it and the fact that he said it to another comic and the other comic told me, which I loved.

Yeah. But I've also never, you're never a comic who have been like, this dude's scared to say something. That's true. No, but it was more like, or maybe he thought it was, hey, yeah, I hate when guys did like like i don't know i i think that he thought that i was like playing both sides of it but because i i was worried about and it's like no i just don't think your fucking hive mentality is brave dummy like i i we define it differently yes but i would love to have had that argument with him um but it just he didn't

say it to me so i can't betray somebody else's... You know what I mean? I hear you. I'll tell you after this. I bet I know who it is. Yeah, I'll tell you after the show. Yeah. Anything you want to plug? Just, when does this air?

Probably this weekend now, right? I guess Sunday. Okay. Don't you hate when you're taping with somebody and they're like, look, is this going to be out by 7 tonight? Yeah, I got a bunch of gigs coming coming up i'm in cleveland 21st 22nd i have uh what do i have uh hilarities i got oh best club great isn't it great that's like my

favorite nick is the fucking coolest i've only done it once oh it's that's great that's like top five for me i love it bethlam pa the uh 19th of uh. Wellmont Theater in Jersey, the 20th. And I'm on Bert's tour, 17th to 18th. And I'm doing it of June. I'm in Rogan's Club in July. Oh, nice. But I don't think that's on sale yet. And I'm sure if Joe tweets it, it will hopefully sell.

It'll sell, yeah. I hope so. But yeah, that's it. I'm finally going back out on the road. I was just uninspired for a long time. Thank you guys for having me. I love both of you guys. You guys are so inspirational, what you're doing.

Seriously, the way you guys are blowing up just using your material. Like, you're not working. Like, you're putting great jokes out, and you're forcing people to go, this guy is funny and coming. I love what you guys are both doing. Honestly, I really respect that. We write a lot because of guys like you, Louis, Colin, you know, Attell, like the guard in New York that's like, you know,

the New York legend. So that's why we write jokes, you know. Thank you. I will say thank you very much for that, as much as people will object to you putting me in that category with those guys. That'll be your number one comment. Like, really? Yeah, Colin, yeah, but this guy.

I've exhausted all my cities, so I'm going to weird towns. I'm going to Bozeman, Montana. I'm going to Great Falls, Montana, Dayton. Then it's off to Australia, going down under. So come to Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Auckland, New Zealand. Holy shit. It's going to be nuts. That's exciting.

Say hello, marknormancomedy.com. San Diego, Sacramento, Columbus, Cincinnati, Indianapolis. Tickets low as fuck Kalamazoo in a 1500 seater for some reason help me the fuck out it's a tough town

Perrysburg Bethlehem Wilmington Delaware also could use a bump there so Baltimore Philly Hampton Beach

Portland Maine Connecticut Richmond all of yeah you see it samorell.com slash shows Denver

Nashville San Antonio, Houston. See you on the road. Wait, what is that? Go back down a little bit. There's a misprint. I've never seen that. What is it?

Late show added. Never seen that on my website. There you go, folks. You're here first. Follow Jim. See him on the road. One of the best. Drink Bodega Cat Whiskey, guys.

Bodegacatwhiskey.com. We hear it's very close to being legal in New York. Yes. Nice. Fingers crossed. Hallelujah. Finally. So, yeah, get a bottle.

Go gay. Check out Jim, and we'll see you in hell. Yep. Sunday's the day for my next bender. A bit of Pivorecki, no, the beer juice close. I'm an ex-offender, a bit of Pivoreck, you know the beer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon, and Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope. And I get down in the same way.

Up on the roof like a cop's coming, and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true