We Might Be Drunk - Ep 124: Ms. Pat And Amaretto Sours

Episode Date: April 24, 2023

Welcome to "We Might Be Drunk" with Mark Normand and Sam Morril! This episode, the duo is joined by the hilarious comedian and podcast host, Ms. Pat, for an hour of non-stop laughs and good times. Listen in as they discuss everything from parenting to politics and crack jokes over refreshing Amaretto Sours. Don't miss out on the fun and join the conversation with these hashtags: #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #MsPat #ComedyPodcast #AmarettoSour #Cheers #LaughOutLoud And if you're looking to make your own Amaretto Sour at home, we've got you covered with this simple recipe: Ingredients: 2 oz. amaretto 1 oz. fresh lemon juice 1/2 oz. simple syrup Ice Lemon slice and cherry for garnish Directions: Fill a shaker with ice and add amaretto, lemon juice, and simple syrup. Shake well and strain into a glass filled with ice. Garnish with a lemon slice and cherry. Thanks for tuning in to "We Might Be Drunk" and be sure to share your Amaretto Sour creations using the hashtags above! Now, let's end on a joke: Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing! Thanks for listening to "We Might Be Drunk"! Support the show and get up to 33% off some sweet new metal art with the code DRUNK at https://displate.com/wmbd?art=6247414ceddb3 Support the show and; get 25% off your Fitbod subscription (or try the app for free) at https://www.fitbod.me/DRUNK Support the show and go to https://www.hellotushy.com/DRUNK and; use promo code DRUNK for 10% off plus free shipping on your first bidet order. Get rid of useless subscriptions with Rocket Money. Go to https://www.rocketmoney.com/DRUNK Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/shows  Ms. Pat: https://mspatcomedy.com/ Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com/shop Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ #marknormand #sammorril #wemightbedrunk #comedy #comedypodcast

hey folks here we are we might be drunk special guest uh miss pat what's she we're just saying have we met i met you years ago i don't know if you remember it but we met on last comic standing oh briefly was you uh part of the last group absolutely not i was gone early oh i think i made it one one episode yeah how about you you were on for a while i made it till they picked they ate that's pretty good yeah that's good tv time oh it's it sucked it got eliminated on my that what damn harsh it was keenan rosanne and um russell peters norm oh wow norm was really cool to me but uh keenan i think buried me and i was like i'm done i didn't think uh norm like me oh okay well he's been known to be racist he would say that after he's dead you'd have never said that shit if he was alive

no we would try to get him on although I think Roseanne was the one who took Ambien oh that's true that was before Ambien she was very nice to me I knew her before I love Roseanne I do too

we call her BA before Ambien was she nice to you? yeah I did a show called The World Funniest Mom, and she was like the host of it. Oh, nice. Years ago. And so, and I opened in Vegas for a couple times. So she was always nice. Yeah.

And then she went Trump crazy, and she blocked me on Twitter. No way. She blocked you? Yeah, I was like, I thought we was friends, Roseanne. Wow. Yeah, she blocked me on Twitter. No way. She blocked you? Yeah, I was like, I thought we was friends, Roseanne. Wow. Yeah, she blocked me on Twitter. I feel like she's back on the scene now. I see her doing sets.

Yeah, I see her out, you know. I see her pop up here and there. I bet if you saw her, she'd be cool with you face to face. Yeah. Okay. I mean, you know, people, we all get a little crazy here and there sometimes.

Here, here. We all go a little mad sometimes. here here we all go a little mad sometimes huh we all go a little mad sometimes psycho yeah ain't nothing wrong with that shit scream also it's what scream scream also yeah oh yeah skeet orich he was a sexy that guy from the 90s that actor scream scream i don't want to give it to you. He's as good as it gets. Yeah, he's as good as it gets. The hate crime is as good as it gets. Yeah. Beats up Greg Kinnear.

Yeah, that's him. Remember him? Well, he do. Oh, he was just quoting him in the movie. He literally says that. He goes, Anthony Perkins, psycho. Yeah, he quotes him. He said we all get a little mad sometimes.

Oh, okay. Going off what you said. What are we drinking tonight? Today. It's the day for us. We're doing Amaretto Sours. Somebody must have told you that's what I drink. That's what you drink?

Yeah, we asked Roseanne. Do you do a traditional one? Well, damn, not. What kind do you usually do? Just like sour mix and disarona? Sour mix and disarona. Are you open to a fresh one then? Yes.

Look at you with the limes all lined up. What a pro. Where the hell y'all get this sexy ass boxing? I know, right? How y'all seen a boxing on a podcast? I grew up in Atlanta just like you. Really? What's that a thing?

I'm from Norcross. Oh, he's from where the money at. I was born in Northside Hospital though. Oh, Northside Hospital. That don't even take Medicaid. You got to be insured to bring your ass over to Northside Hospital though. Oh, Northside Hospital. That don't even take Medicaid. You gotta be insured to bring your ass over to Northside and open up your vagina. They will push that

baby back in your ass and send you down to Grady Hospital. I was born at Northside Hospital. You'll never hear me say I was born at Grady Hospital. At Grady, they dropped the kids and gave them id and told them get a job the day they come out the vagina i don't remember the hospital i just remember my mom kept the pamphlet because my brother and i were on the front of it

like it was like what from the late 80s they was on the pamphlet at the hospital that's what you know you're a cute definitely all white kids though for sure oh no it's all white kids you gotta tell me shit yeah we're trying to move black kids now it's changed it's changed wow you guys are lucky i was born in a living room really yeah i thought you're gonna say i was born in a holler i thought he's gonna say a trailer oh i wish hey pam. What happened? Your mama was loose and just let you go? She was on the toilet. She forgot. No, she...

An Elvis birth. Yeah. I think she was just, you know, procrastinating. She was procrastinating if you just fell out like that. Yeah. Who cut your coat? I think my dad. Oh.

Well, you know, your parents probably planned this shit. Maybe. They're a little hippy-dippy. Yeah, because, you know, white people believe in having their babies underwater and, you know, being born at the house and let the other kids slap it to make you cry. Black folks are like, I'm going to the motherfucking hospital where they give you mayonnaise and I can steal the napkins. We ain't going to be pushing all babies out anywhere. You know, probably, what are you 20 what 30 maybe 39 i'm old yeah yeah you yeah you you getting up there yeah so your mom probably was

a hippie they smoked a little weed they wanted to be free exactly you probably got your afterbirth in the freezer yeah yeah the placenta yeah yeah she was fun but no no, I mean, no drugs. Who didn't do drugs? My mom, like no epidural. She went natty? Natty, which is insanity. Which is fucking crazy. Crazy. And when people say that, I think they're, I mean, personally, I think they're stupid

because that shit hurt like nothing else. But some women are able to take that. I was like, let me tell you something. Give me enough dope for me and the baby. You hear me? Both of us need to be high. The baby need to push itself out of me. I want all the drugs.

Give me stitches I don't need. How many kids do you have? Four. Oh, wow. That's a lot. Good for you. You ain't got no kids? No, no.

I'm barren. What the fuck you mean you're barren? I'm infertile. I shoot blanks. How you know? Unlike Alec Baldwin. Well, I can... I've just...

Was that an Alec Baldwin fucking joke? Somebody gonna whoop your ass with these undercover jokes you keep putting out? No, he's catching strays, and I see him in my local coffee shop all the time. Baldwin? Yeah, and I'm nervous because I posted a lot of jokes about him. Did you get an espresso shot? All right, all right. Yeah.

I wanted to say hi, but I couldn't pull the trigger. I seen him one time at a, I don't know what side of town I was on. He was at like an Italian restaurant. I went with a producer one time, and he was sitting next to me with a whole bunch of other celebrities. And I guess they wanted me. I felt like they wanted me to say, oh, Alex Bob. I was like, I'm not speaking if you're not speaking. Right.

Yeah, you don't want to start that. Yeah, I didn't want to run up on him and shit. The man was eating noodles and shit. I didn't want to fuck with him, but he was sitting right next to me. It was before the whole incident. Sure. Yeah, he catches a lot of strays on this podcast but you shoot a lot of strays you weren't nervous no i wasn't what do you mean i ain't been

shot on no movie set shit ain't nobody made the mistake and shot me they was trying to shoot me right yeah he was playing with a pilster yeah that's how you got shot no that's how he shot oh yeah yeah he's trouble is he going to jail no it's up in the air i thought it was a manslaughter or like involuntary manslaughter i think it's a different news story every week about it i don't think nothing gonna happen to it i think it was an honest mistake it was an accident yeah at least that's what i hope yeah he's a nice guy he looks exhausted he's got like seven kids. Oh, I seen him again at the hotel in Beverly Hills where they shot Pretty Woman at. Oh, yeah. She got shot too?

I'm kidding. What? Beverly Hills Hotel. I saw him there coming out with his wife and a whole bunch of babies and a nanny. Oh, really? A whole bunch of toddlers and small kids and a nanny. Well, his wife had so many kids that she speaks like a Hispanic person now. Here she is.

I don't get it. Fake accent. She's like George Santos. What? She was born in Boston. Is that his wife? Yeah. Now she can do a fake accent for you. Beverly Hills. She was born in Boston. She has a fake accent.

Two white, regular American parents. She puts on this fake Spanish accent because she lived in Madrid. Why? Well, no one knows. It's very odd. Is she undercover as Alice Baldwin's wife? Because he in trouble? No, it's cultural appropriation.

She's just pretending to be a... Hispanic? Yeah. No one knows why. She want somebody to feel sorry for her? I think that might be it. Oh, white women. Always stealing the world. What you gonna do next, bitch?

Be the nanny? She's done half a Dolezal, basically. There you go. She's gone like halfway. Vocal Dolezal. What do you mean? Rachel Dolezal, remember her? Oh, yeah.

Rachel fooled black people because we really thought she was right. You black. Rachel really worked hard to get her skin to accept cocoa butter. Now look. Pull her up. She's doing OnlyFans now. I know. I'm a member.

Are you? You signed up? I like black women. Well, that ain't no fucking black woman. You don't give it to the fake black woman? Porn is getting so specific, though. Now it's like white women who act black. Yes, yes.

Now you get a category. Who don't want to be black? We're the coolest people in the fucking world. You are cool. When you go all the way and use all the Vaseline, and she tricked us, but we did not know that was a white woman. Let me tell you something about Rachel Dolezal. The bitch ran the NAACP, and she tricked us, but we did not know that was a white woman. Let me tell you something about Rachel Dolezal. The bitch ran the NAACP, and I'm right.

When you can play to be black and get all the way to the NAACP, you black. She should get an Oscar. That's impressive. What she should have did was open up her vagina and say, I'm black. A pussy with a screen negro in the words of roseanne i didn't know the bitch was black but you know what i gotta tell you i the lady who he she called who she said that to i saw her at the breakfast club years ago and was like, that was a pretty damn good joke, Roseanne. Yeah, it's kind of a funny tweet.

Pull her up, because she is kind of ambiguous looking. Who? She's a politician. Look at him using the correct words. I don't think she was a politician. Was she, Eric? I thought she was. I think she was.

Like a senator or something. He's on it. We call him Google Bitch. Here we go. I thought the bitch was white. Oh, I thought the bitch was black. Sorry. White.

Valerie Garrett. Valerie. There you go. All right, let's check out Valerie. Valerie Jarrett. We got to get Roseanne on here. I love that she says, I thought the bitch in the apology. Yeah, that's a good point. Look, she's kind of all over the road here. I love that she says I thought the bitch in the apology. Yeah, that's a good point.

Look, she's kind of all over the road here. Look at that. I mean, Meghan Markle's blacker. Let me see. Meghan Markle is definitely blacker. Oh, yeah. I mean, that is a little ambiguous. Is that the reason?

If you go back in time, she's... Look at that. Okay, okay. Wow, she's like a reverse Dolezal. She's getting whiter. She's going the other way. She's fucking black. She's just light-skinned. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, wow, there you go. They're kind of alike, really. They should do a podcast together. They should do a podcast. After she ruined her career, took her show off TV, I don't think so. Well, that was more Netflix, I'd say. But who knows?

That was not Netflix. Oh, I thought it was a Netflix thing. Roseanne, it was ABC. It was ABC. She had the highest number. Oh, I thought it was sorry. I mean, she was getting like 20 million views. Yeah.

She was like bringing back TV. Totally. Like it was, you know. She was killing that shit. Yeah. And it was good, too. Was it? Yeah. She was like bringing back TV. Totally. Like it was, you know. She was killing that shit. Yeah. And it was good too. Was it? Yeah, but what's crazy is they still on without her.

I know. It's kind of harsh. I better not say the wrong thing and they keep my shit on. How many seasons are you in now? Three. Don't take Ambien. This is season three. Whoa.

Congratulations. That's really cool. Thank you. And you got an Emmy nomination. I got an Emmy nomination. Whoa. Congratulations. That's really cool. Thank you. And you got an Emmy nomination. I got an Emmy nomination. Whoa. First time for BET or BET+. That's the first time a BET show has gotten that?

Yeah, ever. What? That's huge. Or BET+. Yeah, it's pretty good. Wow. We over there trying to make a little bit of noise. They be trying to ignore them.

We be knocking on the door. Hey, motherfucker, we over here too. How do you find out you get an Emmy now? Who tells you that? Well, it just comes out. Like, it comes out. You found out on, like, Twitter? No, no, we over here, too. How do you find out you get an Emmy now? Who tells you that? Well, it just comes out. It comes out. You found out on Twitter? No, no, not Twitter.

My co-producer found out. Somewhere they let it go before the public knows, like for writers and stuff, through the writer's gear. How did they find out? They announced it at ceremonies a little bit. The noms, the nominees. No, they didn't. Jordan knew it before i hit the internet he was watching it as they was nominated huh

i don't know where the fuck he from i thought he found it on some secret website and he came in my trailer jumping up and down said we got nominated for him and i was like what the fuck you talking about we don't bet that shit don't happen over here right he's like no we got nominated for Emmy. And I was like, what the fuck you talking about? We don't BET. That shit don't happen over here. And he's like, no, we got nominated for an Emmy for the first season. And it turned out

to be true. Who'd you lose to? We lost to Ted Lasso. We won't go away. That's tough. That was a good show. Even just to be, the director got nominated,

but even just to be, you know, on that platform and to be up against the shows that we was up. Yeah. I think Ella Elementary was in there. Ted Lasso was in there. Murder, what is it? Murder at the Elevator, some shit.

Murder in the Building. Oh, the Steve Martin show. That'd be a hard show to write, murders only in the elevator. We got to keep killing people in this one spot. This is tough. But we was up against some good people, and it was damn good. It was just nice to be there. It's just not really strong.

I'm not a big alcoholic person. Thank you, sir. These guys look like they drank every day. Oh, shit, he got the fruit and everything. Wow. Cheers. Hey, mazel tov. Cheers to the Emmy nom.

Nothing wrong with that. And it was for a pretty provocative episode, right? The nomination? It's display time. Get your own artwork printed on a metal poster that only takes 20 seconds to install. Just pop that magnetic sticker on the wall and hang that poster. No holes in your wall and change it in seconds. They have officially licensed design from fight club alien

south park and more if you can think of it they can print it on a metal poster click the link in our description to see some of our favorites and get get your ready to hang piece of art that's 27 percent if you buy one or save 27 if you buy one or two and get 34 off when you buy one or save 27% if you buy one or two and get 34% off when you buy three or more discounts will automatically be applied to your cart when you click the link or use code drunk when you visit display.com that's display.com code drunk or click the link below the show notes fit bod is a new app that creates an exercise program around your goals, equipment, and schedule. It's the easiest way to work out. Hey, man, we're all trying to get fit.

Oh, yeah. Look, we take horrible cares of ourselves. Cares? That's how hungover I am. I just said cares instead of care. We take bad care of ourselves. We're trying to get fit. We're trying to stay in shape here so, you know, we don't feel bad.

I don't know. I feel terrible right now. FitBod varies your routine for you to avoid overtraining. Way cheaper than a personal trainer, FitBod is easy to use on both iOS and Android devices. Their video tutorials make it easy to learn a new routine. You can get a full year of personalized workouts with FitBod for less than the cost of one session with a personalized trainer. Join FitBod today and build a routine that grows with you without slimming down your wallet. 25% off your subscription or try the app for free when you sign up now at FitBod.me slash drunk.

That's F-I-T-B-O-D dot me slash drunk. The baby daddy.. The baby daddy. About my baby daddy. That guy nominated. Wow. About my baby daddy. That's nice. I'm gonna take you home. You can fucking make it. This guy is a sexy... They're not using you right. I feel like this is the perfect way to use him. I don't know.

I don't want to fuck him. I'm fine with this. Speak for yourself maybe a few more there you go that is damn good very good it's got bodega cat in it

not too much but a little bodega cat whiskey you say got what in it I was going to go to you want one y'all want one yeah they do

two this shit is better than what we had last night hell yeah he's a pro Pam do you want one? Y'all want one? Yeah, they do. Two. Keep them going. This shit is better than what we had last night. Hell yeah. He's a pro. Pam, do you want one? Pammy? That's going to get us.

You got a whole little cherry shit you got. Absolutely. Here. Get one, Pam, so you can fall out on the way to the end. Pam, does your dog want one? Does Noodle want one? You got your dog here? I thought you...

She brings her everywhere. Oh, okay. I know. The fucking dog. Okay. Boy, that is damn good, sir. You should do the shirtless. I heard that Norman Lear hit you up.

Whoa, the legend himself. Yeah. I went to his 100th birthday party. What? Wow. So he just hit you up because he's a fan. Well, he saw the show and he heard about the show and they sent him some episodes and he called me. Whoa.

And I was fucking blown away. And my co-creator is more like of a sitcom geek than I am. And he just called to say how much, you know, he really liked the show. You know, a lot of stuff we doing back in those days, he was trying to do what they would only let him get

so far. Right. And then he gave us a big shout out on the internet. And then he ended up inviting me to his 100th birthday party. Wow. It was really nice, you know, to hear Norma Lear say, hey, you got something here. That's incredible. And it's the first thing I ever created for TV. And you get a call from Pimp Daddy Norma Lear. Yes.

The TV king. Yes. And he's so lucid at 100. Norman Lear. Yes, the TV king. Yes. And he's so lucid at 100. It's amazing. He's like with it. I mean, I went to his birthday party, and the first thing I said, how in the fuck are you still awake? Exactly.

I'm 50. I've been asleep three times in the back waiting on my time to get on stage. I'm tired as hell. Right. But he was really nice. He's really nice. Yeah, what did he say? Have you asked him how is he, is that rude to be like, how are you still alive? No, I was just hoping he stayed alive until his birthday party, you know, because Betty White checked out.

So I really wanted to go to his party. So I was so happy to know that my ticket, my plane ticket wasn't going to be wasted. Right. Thanks for not dying. United's a real bitch to get refunds from. Let me make going to be wasted. Right. Thanks for not dying. United's a real bitch to get refunds from. Let me make it to the party. Let me make it to the party. And he walked in like a champ.

What was the party like? A bunch of people that was on his show. And a bunch of people he worked with in the industry. And just stuff like that. Jimmy Kimmel was there. I met Jimmy Kimmel that night. Love Kimmel. And so it was nice

the food suck ass really well you know hollywood people don't eat oh good point a lot of anorexia they chew they don't eat they don't swallow right i don't want the real calories like my ex she didn't swallow but yeah is you a part of this podcast are you just over there running your mouth fuck is going i like that he explained the joke i do that all the time like this is why this is why it should have worked who did somebody dump you no no i'm married you married yeah so who didn't swallow the eggs the eggs yeah. You didn't think this joke was going to be broken down this hard, did you? No, I didn't.

I'm like, who the fuck is he talking to? I just thought he was talking to somebody on the wall. Well, I'm just making a joke. I like that. It's a comedy show. I enjoyed it. It kind of scared me when people just randomly run in their fucking mouth. Really?

I'm from places where people run their mouth like there's something wrong with it. That's why I'm looking like places where you know people run their mouth like there's something wrong with that's what i'm looking like you the fuck okay i probably have some problems like because i need to know if i need to hit you or get the fuck no don't hang out you just randomly a bitch didn't swallow who the fuck tell me what's going on i mean i'm, ain't nobody invisible sucking your dick, is she? No, no, she was pretty big. You have the whole conversation by yourself. No, no, I'm just joking around.

Didn't mean to scare you. A little bit you did. You know you got that little school shooter face. So I gotta be careful. I never finished school. But. You didn't finish school? I'm joking I finished It's all jokes

I went to community college No college for me Oh yeah? Who needs it? I regret it I wasted six years You know my daughter was in She was on her third degree

I was like please drop out this bullshit. Yes. All it does, it puts you in debt, and you're never going to leave out the house. Right. So you haven't been out the house. You never had a job. Now what the fuck you keep getting all these degrees for? Sounds nice.

Huh? That sounds really nice. And so I told her, I said, come write on my show with me. So she been writing all three seasons. Your daughter's writing on your show? Yeah, all my kids work on the damn show beautiful wow that's great yeah nephatism whatever the fuck they call what do they what do they all do my son work in construction my one of my daughter does makeup um and then i have a uh

daughter-in-law that works in another department and then i have a um my daughter writes on the show wow my friends and stuff like that is your daughter really funny she she should be a comedian she's very funny well she's kind of technically a comedian she's a comedic writer right yeah but she she could do stand-up too she really could she really could but she won't yeah kind of shy but she she she's been writing on there now for three seasons and we also developing some other stuff we We just sold another show together. Wow. Where did you sell it?

BET Plus. Damn. They have something over at Netflix, too. Oh, my God. I wish you were my mom. Wow. Just saying. My mom wasn't as cool.

She didn't do a good gig. She made me mow the lawn. I wasn't getting a writing gig. I'll tell you that. My kids did the same shit. Oh, okay. Wow. A 40-year-old with your kids did the same shit. Oh, okay. Wow. A 40-year-old with your 50-year-old, they fucking mom.

How old is your daughter, by the way? 36. Are you kidding me? Wow. No, I'm not kidding. That is, yeah. I had her when I was 14, so we're three years apart. Wow.

Yeah. Do you like that you're so close in age? No, somebody fucked me. Oh my God. I didn't plan to be 14. That question really backfired on me. Welcome to the club. Hell no.

Somebody fucked me and I can't break it. Well, I'm sorry about that. Don't be sorry. It wasn't that bad. Oh, okay. Still still you got a great relationship with your daughter you work together you're selling shows but not that daughter oh daughter is 24 i'm married to her daddy got it's the first daughter who does he have my gay daughter gotcha okay and i'm gonna i assume you don't speak to the guy who fucked you at that when you

were 14 he didn't rape me he fucked me oh okay i had two kids by him he's married oh okay oh wow yeah does he write on the show no he don't write he can't fucking read no he don't write on the fucking show he last time i talked to him he had like three open heart surgery wow wow yeah well so he i don time I talked to him, he had three open heart surgeries. Wow. I don't really talk to him. He always send me a message through Facebook.

He speak emojis. But it's cool you guys are still you're cool. I mean, I don't have a relationship. I've been married 31 years. I have nothing to say to him. Yeah. We had a really crazy relationship sure i was 12 he was 22 when i

met him wow that's uh wow that's young wow so long what was young 12 is young yeah i mean anyone else hard i'm was you're not supposed to do that yes yes you're not supposed to fuck a 12 year old how was that that was the wow i was not on epstein island another joke i think the women on epstein's island were older i think they were i think they were older than i hope so yeah yeah not that much older but older. I think they were. I think they were older than Woody Allen. I hope they were older. I hope so, yeah. Yeah. Not that much older, but older.

Yeah. Like 14, 15. Yeah. So I got a real question. Is it difficult disciplining a kid that's like 14 years younger than you? Because I'm 30 years older than my seven-year-old, and I can't control him. What?

You can't control a fucking seven-year-old? He's starting to talk back. Look how weak he is. You're letting a seven-year seven year old talk back exactly i can you come over and handle some shit for me i will beat the white off your back the fuck a seven year old talking back see we just i mean as black and white people we just raise different yeah italians and mexicans and blacks we kind of all the same people white people y'all just be like y'all read too many fucking books to do shit stop reading the book and take the fucking life way set your motherfucking ass down you notice back in the day i'm 50 so back

in the days was not a such thing as adhd right you know my i had a special need uncle and when my special need uncle actor my granddaddy whooped his ass whoa he's like Cecil and he was crippled I told you don't piss at school before or after the beating he would tell him I'm gonna whoop your ass cuz you pissed on that school bus oh damn double whammy how is Cecil doing now he been there been dead. He's right on the show. I feel like this is a cautionary tale. I don't know what the point of this story was. My uncle Cecil was special need, and he got his ass beat when he acted up.

That's not good. He used to like to call 911 because he was fascinated with the police uniform. No, because he was scared. This was before police really started whooping niggas' asses. So they used to wear bow ties in Atlanta. with the police uniform. No, because he was scared. This was before police really started whooping niggas' asses. Right. So they used to wear bow ties in Atlanta. Really?

And he loved to choke the police out. And he choked a white woman out one time, and I'm not lying, I think I seen the police department

falling out the air. They whooped my uncle's ass. They fold my crippled uncle up because he was crippled. Especially, they fold his ass up like an envelope. envelope. And they drug his ass in that paddy wagon. He went to jail

and when he got to jail, they knew he was special needs. And they let him go. They ended up letting him go. My granddaddy beat his ass because he used to love to die 9-1-1 and hang up. And back in those days, there was no Star 69. The police just came out. And when they got there,

he would be anything in uniform. If my granddaddy was alive now, and you could, like, he would put a change around my uncle's waist because he loved people. He loved to beat the shit

out of people in uniform. So when he took him to the grocery store, he would have a change around his waist. So when he'd act up, he would yank him back. Is this in the show?

This is good stuff. That is hilarious. We can't put this shit in the show. I mean, that's gold. That's pretty funny. Oh, a flashback scene. You just make it look a little fizzy when you shoot it.

Yeah. Oh, about my granddaddy. I'm quite sure you haven't watched my special, but my granddaddy, my uncle was, he was especially, back in those days, we could say the retarded, but we can't say it anymore. Sure. He would have seizures.

So my granddaddy thought it was only because he couldn't bust nuts. So he would buy him pussy. And once he bought my uncle pussy, he thought that would calm down the seizures. And me and my sister had to go in there and help my uncle get ready with the prostitute because he was crippled. You know, crippled people's knees go in like a kangaroo. So we would go in there and pull his legs apart so he could get some pussy. And, you know,

I didn't mind helping my uncle get pussy. It's the excitement. Because, you know, he was special needs. I stopped smiling, sticking dick in this bitch so I can go play Pac-Man. That was the first dick I ever seen.

And it was so big. It was so fucking big. There was times I would whip guys. I'd be like, it was so big. It was so fucking big. There was times I would whip guys. I'd be like, you ain't got no Uncle Cesar dick. Wow. It was so big. What a waste.

No, it was not a waste. Wow, but he's only fucking whores, though. You don't get to. My granada ball, my Uncle B's been there tearing them bitches up with his knees knocking. Wow. Well, special needs dick is bigger. Yeah, what is that? Retarded dick is bigger, I think.

I grew up with a special needs kid, no Cecil, and we didn't buy him any whores, but he had a real honker. Really? I mean, it was like a parking cone. It was insane. It was orange. It made a shape like a triangle. He was so fucking white.

What was that? A honker. A honker. That's a real piano leg. By the way, what is Salicu's looking up? Is he looking up like a honker? I see you Googling. What is this?

Google retarded dick, and you will see some real tree trunks. I'm not going to Google that. How quickly is this episode going to get demonetized? Why aren't we making money off the retarded dick episode? I'm telling you, retard telling you we lost all our sponsors and retard strength is no joke yeah i mean that's the truth because my uncle he used to like to eat rice we wouldn't eat grits and we from the south you know we love grits oh yeah he would only eat out of a pot with the handle burnt on the end whoa so my granddaddy ended up shooting his neighbor

like eight times because she called him a big black faggot or some sissy or some shit. I don't know. I'm just telling y'all. These are stories. So don't come after me for those words. Right, right. Other people's words. And so my granddaddy pulled out two pistols because his name was 38.

He shot her. Wow. With both pistols. And so he ended up in jail. And my mama had to keep Uncle Cece. And we fucked around and left his pot somewhere one day. He wouldn't eat. And my mama said, Ceesar, take the goddamn plate.

And he's like, how about the plate, bitch? How about the goddamn pot? My mama slapped Cesar upside the head with all that rice went down his trauma, his ear. We was taking rice out of his ear for two weeks. Oh, man. I've heard of cauliflower ear, but this is crazy. She stuffed so much rice in my uncle ear. And I remember when he passed away,

and I had never seen a person who was crippled die. So I was like, how y'all going to put him in a casket? And they was like, we're going to break his leg. His dick was that big? No. It was an open casket. No, because his legs would be in the air when he was sleeping. No. It was an open casket. No. Because, you know, his legs would be in the air when he was sleeping.

So his legs would be in the air like a bridge. But they broke his leg and he was laying straight. And he was actually a pretty tall man after he died. Wow. Damn. You go on. There's your parenting tips. You good?

Beat your kids. Yeah. Big dick. Shoot your neighbor right now he shot him and they both i'm assuming died from this no she didn't die she took he shot him eight times and they didn't die she didn't die it was a woman he got like 10 years for shooting her wow i was sitting on the porch with him that day he shot her finger off damn she was pointing at it it's like a tarantino movie this is wild i was holding his leg and he said now bitch i put all that hot leg in hot lead

and he told my aunt rana she's like why you shoot him daddy he was like fuck her go back there and put that moonshine out so they don't lock me up you going to jail you don't shout the shit out this lady and she was just laying in the grass bleeding i had to be about eight years old wow and my uncle why you shoot her that fuck her that's what he was saying fuck her damn and they came and locked him up he had both his guns he had laid them down police pulled up he said i shot the bitch damn holy moly fuck her fuck her is also what he said to cecil apparently yeah yeah wow what a story that is crazy that was a Tuesday it was

during the week yeah how do you make the weekend even come close I know right well you get Cecil the hooker Cecil's a great name that really is ain't nobody named Cecil no fucking except that lion yeah

remember the lion cecil he was also shot also the huge cock yeah he got a huge cock too i don't know all right peace cecil you'll be missed damn how long ago did cecil pass oh probably 20 years ago he's been gone a long time that's a crazy story that you helped cecil have sex oh all the time me my sister and my granddad would give us 50 cent to go play pac-man all right once he gets started because once he stuck the dick in he he was good he could hunch i'm the same way he just he didn't have he didn't know how to hold his penis and just get it in, I guess. And I guess me and my sister put it in his leg. We gave him aim. Man, that's a close-knit family.

Damn. You got to write this into your show. No, I'm not going to write this into my show. I don't think they'll let me get away with that one. I'd say it's BET+. It's right. Well, I write a bunch of crazy shit in there, but I did it on a special, so I don't know.

Yeah, but you could, I mean, it's probably a flashback. Flashback. But I don't even know. I don't, where would I get the actor from? You'd have to get a special needs person now because they get mad if you. If you imitate them.

Yeah. I don't blame them. They was taking money out of their pocket. That's true. Get your ass out of that wheelchair and let me who be in the wheelchair for real being there there you go i don't want you for playing a big fat black woman that's not fair to me you gotta get a real prostitute too for that oh yeah yeah did uh busting the nut cure his seizures no i don't know where my granddad came with that stupid shit caesars still has caesars all the fucking time. He would have seizures and we would put spoons

in his mouth and shit. And it was... We was trained as kids. Just get a spoon. We couldn't use a good spoon. We couldn't use plastic either because he could swallow it. So we'd just get a tablespoon and stick it in his mouth and let him chew and spin.

And he'd lay there. And he lay there. And we always had a good cold Pepsi waiting for him when he woke up. Nice. He liked Pepsi. All right. So there were some good times. This prostitute, we got to get her on the pod, too. I want to talk to her.

That's a hell of a- Cecil was a handful. That's what we call that episode. Quite a make-a-wish. That is. Yeah, I guess that doesn't cure diseases, but I think we could definitely treat more illnesses that way. Make-a-wish that is oh yeah i guess that doesn't cure diseases but i think we could definitely treat more illnesses that way make a bang hookers yeah exactly kids don't get to do that but that's a great i never went to disneyland what would you have to meet mickey mouse or bang a whore exactly you know what people don't realize

that special need people need sex too oh they're horny yes they're backed up they need fucking sex too of course but we just sit here and treat them like they don't want to bust a nut. My granddad knew Cecil wanted to bust a nut. Oh, yeah. Every Friday and Saturday, he had him a whore. And he would give them pussy. Like, they would get a half a pint of gin because that's what my granddad sold.

He sold moonshine, and he sold corn looker, and he sold gin and single cigarettes. Wow. So if you go back there and fuck Cecil, you get a half a pint. Nice. Damn. That's worth it. That was like maybe $2 back in the day.

Well, the girl got a full pint. Cecil. Damn, that is crazy. That's a crazy story. It's so visual, too. And the fact that you helped with the pulling the leg, all that shit. Me and my sister would pull his leg. Wow. If I saw my brother naked, I was was running for the hills let alone my special needs uncle and he said he said like he's always begged for nickels and he loved he's like hey girl

give me two nickels two nickels make a dime but he didn't like dimes so he would have a pocket full of change so he always had on two belts because all he did was ask everybody went in the bootleg house for nickels wow so when we had to get those pants off him you'd let that belt go it sounded like a fucking jackpot damn damn take him to a coin star huh there was no coin stars back then oh yeah i think they're going away again they're hard to find those little well changes out okay yeah change it's all venmo now strip clubs take venmo true story hey you probably think you spend around 80 a month on subscriptions when the actual total is closer to 200 most americans do you can be wasting hundreds of dollars each month on subscriptions you don't even know about.

That's why we love Rocket Money, formerly known as Truebill. Rocket Money shows all your subscriptions in one place, even the ones you didn't know you were paying for, and cancels whatever ones you don't want. You may even find out you've been double charged for a subscription. It happens. To cancel

a subscription, just press cancel and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. Easy. Tell them out. Get rid of useless subscriptions with Rocket Money now. Go to rocketmoney.com slash drunk. Seriously, it could save you hundreds per year. That's rocketmoney.com slash drunk. Cancel your unnecessary subscriptions right now at rocketmoney.com slash drunk.

Hey, folks, where we might be drunk is brought to you by Tushy. Hello. Taco Tuesday was a great time, but let's be honest. Now things are rough down there. Thank God for Hello Tushy, the bidet that keeps things clean. No matter what junk you put in your body, you got to use Tushy to wipe that b-hole clean, especially now with the, what's it called, fornicating and the old eat in the back door,

if you know what I mean. That's very popular these days. You don't want to have a nice snail trail back there, and you definitely don't want to have a couple of shreds of TP and a peanut and a piece of corn. So get yourself some TUSHY folks and clean that back porch because people want to go in there. Yeah! So the Hello TUSHY bidet cleans two times better than wiping and prevents poop particles from spreading to your hands and everything you touch. It attaches to your existing toilet requiring no electricity or additional plumbing and it cuts toilet paper usage by 80%.

Save the planet, you kooks. If you do the math, Tushy pays for itself in just a few months. Every Hello Tushy bidet attachment comes with a 60-day risk-free guarantee and a 12-month warranty with over 100,000 five-star reviews. See why millions of people already love Hello Tushy. And be part of taking care of business the cleaner way. Go to hellotushy.com forward slash drunk and use promo code drunk to get 10% off plus free shipping on your bid day order. On your first one, 10% off.

That's hellotushy.com slash drunk for 10% off. Get on it, folks. How do you pay this? Guy who's been to a strip club recently. I went last weekend. Where'd you go? Rochester. What?

Yeah. Why? There's nothing else to do. Yeah, but that's not where you go? Rochester. What? Yeah. Why? There's nothing else to do. Yeah, but that's not where you want to go to the strip club. Well, that's why we went. We're like, let's go see some down and dirty. How was the talent there? Not great.

Where was you at? Rochester. I forgot the name of it. You was in Rochester? Doing a gig, yeah. New York? Yeah. Oh.

It was fun. I don't know. I thought he was talking about North Carolina. There's a couple of Rochesters around this great nation. Isn't there a couple of Rochesters? There's one in Minnesota as well. Yeah, there you go. There's Rochesters.

Yeah, I would never go to a strip club in Rochester. There was still a lot of Cecils walking around. Why? The women were Cecils. The women were Cecils. Oh, yeah. Big dicks. Damn. Yeah, we popped in. Oh, yeah. Big dicks. Damn.

Yeah, we popped in. It was weird. Who, you and Murphy? No, it was with Andrew Youngblood. He was open. He's from there. And we popped in. We popped out.

Damn. Yeah. That sounds rough. But I'll tell you, you go to one of these small towns. You go to the strip clubs. I got two tequila sodas. It was like four bucks or something really yeah because they want you to buy the hoes not the sodas i guess so but in vegas

you go to a strip club in vegas they're like you know you get two then they're like buy me one and buy my friend one you're like all right they're like that'll be two hundred dollars you're like what exactly i haven't gotten the dance yet i know it's crazy two hundred dollars for somebody no not really but it's crazy expensive. No, Vegas is expensive. Oh, yeah. Strip clubs in Vegas are crazy, and New York, too. Why are you going to a strip club when you're married? Well, that's why.

You know, you look, don't touch. Right? I like how she's passing judgment after she helped her uncle get... I was a kid. You need to shut your damn mouth. Whoa. I stopped at seven years old from whooping your ass. You know what? I'm with her. Shut the fuck up, Sal mouth. Whoa. Stop that seven-year-old from whooping your ass. You know what?

I'm with her. Shut the fuck up, Sal. Yeah. Fuck you. What the hell? You should hire me to be your nanny. Yeah, you should. Get some discipline in that kid. She'll kick your ass, too.

He's running rampant. Piece of shit. He's going to bore a girl. Do we really talk back? Yeah. What does he say to you dude he's like uh no i won't do that or stop it he'll stop it wow people learned it from me i said yeah but that's when you're trying to touch him inappropriately oh my god okay you beat me you're seven you'll

tell you to stop it and do you stop it no the try to talk to him. Like, you can't talk like that. Like, I'm trying to reason with him. No. Give him a taste of the back of the hand. A little raspberry. No, the front. He pass the back. He get the front.

Oh, jeez. Yeah. Ray Rice him. Yeah, it's tough. Dude, cut him. Who gives a shit? Cut him. Cut him.

He's already circumcised. You married? Yeah. And what does she do? Do you run over her, married? Yeah. And what does she do? He run over her too? Yeah. Yeah. Did you see that thing on Netflix where those people down in...

The Murdochs? Yeah, that's what you're about to become. We're not rich. You're about to be the Poe Murdoch. You're about to be the Murdoch. That's what you raise. Is there another way to do it other than hitting him is there some other you got you got you got to figure out that's a good one uh you got to figure

out a way that you got the baby y'all have letting this seven-year-old take control of the situation you gotta jack his ass up to let him know that you're fucking serious because you lost control. When a child can tell their parents no, no, you done lost control. Yeah. I got a 14, a 10, 11. Ain't no motherfucking body in my house telling me no. I will slap your motherfucking eyes in your eardrums. There you go. And get a metal chain if you go to the grocery store.

And yank that kid around i love your call bags yeah thank you for catching that yeah you you losing control yeah i mean you can get it back now as the child is seven yeah all this time out this is no respect yeah here he is i'll tell you this guy's got no respect at Now, what about if your woman's out of control? Can I hit her? I'm joking again. Try to see where you end up at. I don't know. She's already in a wheelchair, so that helps.

My wife's in a wheelchair? Yeah. Yeah, but he pays for her prostitutes, too. That's right. I pushed her down some stairs. You're a damn little... White men do not put their wives in wheelchairs. You just kill them.

Good point. That's true. Good point. Murdoch. Yeah. Shot his wife in the face, I believe. Didn't he get busted from the Snapchat or the video with the dog? When he shot his son.

Yeah, the dog. No, the son was on Snapchat when he shot him. Yeah. What? Isn't that amazing? That's how he really got caught. He didn't know his son was on Snapchat when he shot him. Yeah. What? Isn't that amazing? That's how he really got caught. He didn't know his son was on the internet. Wow.

Something good came out of that app. Yeah. That app stinks. Yeah. No, it's amazing. He almost got away with it. Well, he got away with killing the housekeeper. They killed the housekeeper.

Hold on. The dogs killed the housekeeper. That's unacceptable. No, he killed the housekeeper. They killed the housekeeper. Hold on. The dogs killed the housekeeper. That's unacceptable. No, he killed the housekeeper. They killed the housekeeper. The other son supposedly killed a gay lover. I know. So either that son is gay or he's gay.

Well, they never know. His name is Buster. Come on. And who else did they kill? They had like five or six bodies on their hands. Oh, yeah. Boating accident. Boat. Boat killed the girl on the boat. She was cute. And they bodies on their hands. Oh, yeah. Boating accident. Boat.

Boat killed the girl on the boat. She was cute. And they got away with it. Yep. Yeah. Damn. They really ran shit in that town. Oh, yeah.

Everyone. For years. For years. Snapchat. Did anyone like it? But, yeah, they ran. Their reactions are as fun as a joke right now this is i'm quite sure they got a bunch of lights after you heard boom boom like what the fuck hey they get down over there yeah you know what i did think watching that though when they when they showed the boyfriend run off

the boat and he was shirtless i was like this dude's got a good body that's true he was a hunk guy works out a lot clearly he was i could tell that i'm getting older i was like look at this young buck right here oh yeah that family should have been stopped long time ago yeah yeah that family but you know even in those small towns you know what even if he hadn't killed his wife and son that boy by now would have been so far out of hand because they had covered up so much bullshit yeah he i mean he is the epitome of of all what is it called white what old boy network privilege white privilege there you go yeah and it was one of those things watching the doc that even though they're wealthy it's like watching succession you know even though they're super wealthy you're like this doesn't look fun this doesn't look like you're having a good life oh

they're all miserable every picture they look fucking miserable and they're drinking their sorrows away oh yeah and the family When you see how much they were drinking. If you was in North Carolina. I think it was South Carolina. South Carolina, wherever. Any Carolina. I mean, with 100 acres and all the money and nobody still likes you. Did you not see Buster?

I mean, they wasn't the best looking. The friends was way better looking kids than they were. He looked like Chucky, for fuck's sake. But he was still pulling ass. Well, they're the rich kids. The power. Yeah. If he had a lot of money, he could ask.

Well, he got ass. Yeah, he's got a wife and a hot kid. Look at that red ginger cunt. Jesus. This is a cunt. Yeah. He's got to have a tough. Sorry about the language.

He's got to have a tough life now. He's lost everybody in his family. He got all the money. Oh, he'll be doing stand-up comedy. He was got to have a tough- Sorry about the language. He's got to have a tough life now. He's lost everybody in his family. He got all the money. Oh, he'll be doing stand-up comedy. He was just in Vegas. Really? Was he? Yeah, he was in Vegas doing the trial.

Him and Rittenhouse are doing a podcast. But the dad looks like Gary Busey, too. Look at that. And he shaved his head. That's never a good sign. Oh, bad look. No, the daddy lost all that fucking weight, too. Look at that. And he shaved his head. That's never a good sign. Oh, bad look. No, the daddy lost all that fucking weight, too. Oh, that's a scary, horny.

You know, he look like Woody, White Man Can't Jump. What's his name? Harrelson. Yeah, he look like Woody Harrelson. Oh, come on. Woody's better looking than that guy. That guy. Murdoch?

Pull up Woody Harrelson now. Woody looks, I'm going, Woody looks better than this dude. Yeah, man, he looks like Woody Harrison. That's not bad, actually. Damn. The charm goes a long way. Yeah, he ain't killed nobody. This guy's not pulling Rosie Perez in White Man Can't Jump.

Oh, she was hot, huh? Well, that dude, that ain't pulling Rosie Perez in White Man Can't Jump. That's when he was younger. Right. Yeah, true. Willie Hoyle. Rosie Perez looks pretty good these days still. Still holding up.

Still holding up. Puerto Rican don't. Puerto Rican got that what we got. That shit don't, you know, it don't fade too quick. You do not look 50. That's crazy that you're 50. Well, when you don't do drugs and cigarettes and alcohol and that much, you know, our skin hold up pretty good.

There you go. But I'm 50. Chris Rock has got to be 58. He looks amazing. Yeah, he looks good. There you go. But I'm 50. Chris Rock has got to be 58. He looks amazing. Yeah, he looks good. Incredible. It's nothing like black skin with money. Yes.

It's a whole nother different level. How about like Gabrielle Union? She looks ridiculous. Have you seen her? You're ridiculous good? Yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, she looks good.

She do. Nia Long too. What? Nia Long's at the end of that Chris Rock special. She looks the same as when she was in friday she's beautiful yeah she also got fucked over by that self old celtics coach he was like fucking in-house that coach her husband's just fucking he was trying to keep it on he was trying to keep it in-house and they let it go well you can't you can't be fucking people's wives in-house

is that she was married uh other people he was people who was fucking were married i believe i think that's why he got let go damn i thought he was only fucking one person no i think there were multiple people yeah i think it was a good morning america situation where he was fucking a lot oh you cannot what was his name throwing all that dick around good morning america cecil oh matt lauer oh matt lauer he's a cute guy that was not matt no i'm talking good morning america the the interracial yeah yeah and they was trying to hate on him yeah he was slinging some good old d to that uh blonde lady it was more than that blonde lady uh-oh he fucked everybody on that show i mean if you're fuckable yeah he's got's got those nice eyes. Oh, yeah.

He fucked quite a few of them and they're together now, right? Ear to ear. He's happy. He's getting, that guy's got no jizz left. That's a happy guy. He's got an empty sack for sure. Oh, yeah.

The fuck is... Well, you know, he's jizzing a lot. Oh, y'all saying the man nuts empty? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because he fucks a lot.

The man is old as fuck. I'm quite sure they only have full fill anyway. That's true. This is like Freud. Is the ball sack half full? He's an optimist. He's shooting prune juice. Well, I'm quite sure he's happy he's shooting prune juice.

He should be done with having kids. So mommy dust pops out of his cock when he comes? He's an older fella. Oh, no, he's just older. Just a bang, a little flag. Somebody should have gone over my head. Sorry, sorry. No, he's, I did their show once.

They couldn't have been nicer. They were great. Oh, yeah, you were in the way. Did you swing? I would have if they asked me to. Oh, really? No, but I think she's pretty hot. You never did a threesome?

No, I did have the guy walk in on me once. Never had the threesome. Did he jump on you? No, I'm not doing that kind of shit. No, it's not my thing. You've done a threesome? Yeah, a couple. Devil or regular?

Miss Pat, you were there. No, I wasn't. Look at that threesome right there. That's a hot three-way. That's a handsome three-way. We've got a gold, a Jew, and a black. This is like walking to a bar. Why was you on Good Morning America?

I was promoting a special. He's a big Matt Lauer fan. I used to love Matt Lauer while you were talking that bullshit. Oh, yeah? He was hot. He was a good-looking dude? He's very good-looking. What is he doing now?

Chilling in the Hamptons? I don't know what he's doing. What is he doing? I know he got fired for a bitch that's sucking his dick for positions, but supposedly, allegedly, allegedly. Katie Couric was pretty damn hot. Eh, she had a moment. She's hot. What do you do when you're, what's your nationality, white?

Italian and French. White. My nationality, you're asking? I'm like Eastern European Ashkenazi Jew. So pretty much white people, right? Yeah. So what do you do with your women? Because as African-American women, most white women start about 35 and they start to fade

form. Oh, yeah. Especially the Irish. A couple of pumpkins. But what are you asking? What the hell are you doing? You're like Cecil. So how did that make you feel?

I mean, do you stick with them when they start to wrinkle? Do that stuff bother you? I mean, do you stick with them when they start to wrinkle? Do that stuff bother you? I mean, I'm single, but I... Well, that's why you see Leo with a couple of 11-year-olds, you know, because he's trying to get in early. Who the fuck is Leo? DiCaprio. No, 19, but that's pretty...

Leo DiCaprio with a 19? Yeah. Pull it up. Does it bother you? It bothers me that he dates 19-year-olds? When they age like that. When women age? Yeah.

No, it's part of... It's a bummer. You deal with it, though. Yeah. Where the fuck did you get him from? But you love him, so you stick with him. And then now there's all kinds of cracker... It doesn't bother me because I'm not...

I don't think I've been in a relationship that long. They got cracker lotion. Oh, yeah. Botox, the lotion. Pam, you're on half that shit. You know, it's they got the shots and the peels and the surgeries. What's that?

You know what, Pam? Pam doesn't get to disclose my relationships. This is pretty rude. Seriously, my publicist is trying to fucking bury me here. Yeah. Yeah, we're taking shots. I didn't know Pam was my publicist is trying to fucking bury me here. I didn't know Pam was your publicist. She talks a lot. She never stops talking. It's crazy.

You want to come on here or what? She's really good at what she do, but so many times. And I really enjoy her as a person. I do, but I hang up on her all the time. I know. I'm always like, enough, Jesus. Yeah. Oh, but she loves to talk.

I was like, Pam, if you suck dick at that speed, you a bad motherfucker. I don't say that to her because that could get me in a lot of trouble at some point. She can't suck dick. She's still talking. Can't get the dick in there. But.

You as stupid as fuck you don't know the fuck you're talking about because I know people who suck dick while they're talking wow really that's a small dick I can barely talk with a toothpick in let alone a penis you suck dick? No, I'm just saying if I...

You get it. No, I don't. I tried to suck my own once, and I got a lick in. Yeah, it's good to get a lick in. Yeah, I got a lick. Are you serious? I tried. Every guy tries.

See? No, I've never tried to eat my pussy. Well, that's much harder to get to. There's no length. Yeah, no. Unless you got crazy labia. Yeah. What is labias?

Labia, the flappies. The lips. Oh, I call them lips. Oh, okay. Lips. Yeah, no, you'd have to have a really meaty situation down there to reach the tongue. It's just not going to happen. Or a huge clit.

I have no... Who wants to eat their pussy? I've seen my draws. I don't want to eat that. Yeah. I think eating pussy is great. I'm a fan. I don't care who I offend here.

I think eating a lady's vagina is great. Yeah. I don't care how many female listeners I piss off. Until you've seen. I don't care. Until you've seen the underwear we hid. Don't show me the underwear. The hidden underwear?

Is that like Legend of the Hidden Temple? I put on goggles when I do it. Do you? Yeah, oh yeah. That's how much squirting happens? Yeah, big squirter, the wife. That's crazy.

She can put on a candle. On the wheelchair? Yeah, the wheelchair. She can't feel anything, but it's shooting. I put a broomstick in the wheels. Really?

Yeah, she can't get away. Is she going flying? What is that cartoon character with the yellow on with the big glasses? Yellow on with the big glasses. They look like little... Dilbert? Oh, the Minions? The Minions. That's what you look like eating pussy.

Exactly. That's what you look like with your glasses on. Yeah, well, you eat pussy. That's what you look like eating pussy. Exactly. I'm like... That's what you look like with her glasses on. Yeah, well, you eat pussy. That's me. And I get a miner's hat with the light on it. Man, they are cute little things, those minions, huh? Look how cute. What are you doing?

Fixing a wheelchair while you're eating there? Yeah, I'm screwing in the hubcaps. Yeah, big, big fan of the clam dive. Clam dive? You know, eating the gash. No, I don't know. You know, enjoying the clam dive. Clam dive? You know, eating the gash. No, I don't know. You know, enjoying the ham wallet.

The hatchet wound. The honey pot. The twat. The pomegranate. Yeah. Come on. What did you say? He can do five more.

The love hole. The vajayjay. The vajayjay. The cooter. The coochie. The beave. The beaverayjay. The cooter. The coochie. The beave. The beaver. Yay!

The cooter. It's like the weirdest episode of Family Feud ever. Fast money. I'm from Louisiana. We said cooter. Is that the name when you're sleeping with your cousin? Cooter. I had a second cousin who was pretty hot.

Would you? Second cousin. Really? Did you fuck her? I tried. You ain't got no goddamn sense. You buy Craigslist a damn empty wallet. An empty wallet.

That's a good one. All right. That's great. Do you have any pet peeves miss pat what is my pet peeves uh i don't like my feet to be cold oh that's a big one i get bad circulation too i sleep in socks all the time really yeah i don't like my feet to be cold i don't really want to be touching my feet interesting. What about sucking the toes? Ain't nobody never sucked my fucking toes, okay? I got dog

feet. Really? Yeah, my mama said when she was pregnant with me she had a little dog that liked her and I came out with his feet so I don't have no toenails. What? They're very small. They're like little dots. Prove it. Fuck you. Woof. Fuck're like little dots. Prove it. Fuck you.

Woof. Fuck you mean woof. The dog feet. Woof, woof. But wow, okay. What about dirty feet? That's a problem too. You ever have dirty feet and you go to bed?

You gotta wash them. You just gotta wash them. Yeah. I get in bed with dirty feet. You're gonna get the sheets ruined well you gotta wash the sheet anyway then you take a bath every night when you go to bed no i don't either i think that's such a waste of water i agree how often do you clean the sheets at home do you think about once a week that's way better than me that's women women are better that's true than guys are especially those dirty ass feet. Those dog feet.

My motherfucking feet ain't dirty. You saw him, bitch. I said I got dog feet. I ain't told you nothing about it. It was fucking dirty. Your fucking feet dirty. That's true. They are.

But at least I got toenails at least. I have a peeve. Please. You ever have that friend who calls you but they only have like a three minute window where they call you and then you miss the call and you call back and they can't talk again for like a week

oh yeah they in jail well done you're my friend dog feet in the house. That was good shit. Mark, you motherfucker. He's so fucking silly.

The good one, though. The guy who can't. The call window guy. The call window. Yeah, that's no good. Then you got to wait a week. And what if it's important? It's never important. But it's just annoying that they're like they're like i got three minutes now and then i have to be around people for another week right my i gotta peeve

how about this one the guy who's grilling you while you're eating no pun intended but he's like i'm eating a burger and he's like so when what time's this when is that i'm like when you got a tomato hanging out of your mouth? I'm like, let me finish eating. It's like Alec Baldwin. You let him eat at the restaurant. You mentioned that earlier. But I'm just, don't quiz me while I'm eating. Let me get the food down, and then we'll talk.

No, I know. The rapid fire. It's not the question that bothers you. It's the oozy-like intensity. Yeah, while my mouth is full. See, that's your fucking problem you don't know how to multitask you need to learn how to swallow and speak you'll talk with the food in your mouth anybody can do that i'm trying to eat pussy here well you say you were

eating a burger oh well that's what i call it now why is somebody drilling you by eating pussy is the pussy alive sure i hope you look like you licked them pocket pussies from Amazon. Well, I practice on those. But yeah, no, but they're the burger. I like that you added it from Amazon. The ultimate insult. Not only is it a pocket pussy, you needed it in one to two business days. What a slam.

I have prime. Get it to you quick. There a slam. I have prime. Get it to you quick. Get it to you quick. Need that Bezos kiss. Why am I on second alcohol and y'all still drinking the first one? Oh, you got a point there. You got a point. I'm on it. Putting them back, sister. Hang tight. This ain't what you usually

drink, is it? No, I'm not a big sweet. I don't like sweet cocktails, but this tastes very good, I have to admit. That's a killer. You did a good job. Sour. I'm more of just a whiskey guy. If I do a cocktail, more of a Manhattan maybe or like a, you know. Don't know what that is.

Just whiskey, vermouth, bitters. This is a bitch drink. I know this is a bitch drink. But it's a good bitch drink. I mean, try to beef it up with the bodega cat a little bit. It's got egg white in it, too. That's what the smoothness is. You did egg white, too?

You didn't do it like crustacean. That's how they do it at crustacean in L.A. Oh, really? They put the egg white in it. Is that a cool spot? Yeah, it's a very cool spot. Very expensive, very good crustacean. Do you like going to L.A. or no?

I don't like L.A. I don't like New York, either. Whoa. You live in Atlanta. Neither? Usually you've got to pick one one i don't like neither this place is so dirty that's true this is a dirty and i've the people walk right here like they don't even see the fucking rats the rats are on their way to work i fucking cannot stand this dirty and then they don't have normal crazy people they have crazy people like

the lady who was doing my makeup she said she was coming to do my makeup and do walk them say i'm a sex defender so i'm about to touch you what kind of bullshit is that she said well i have a knife he said never mind what kind of bullshit is this damn so the people here are just like i can't then i've never seen people getting arguments with cars they don't care how they hit you they walk out in the road it's just too many people in this motherfucker it is a lot of people dude i don't know if you guys walked in when i walked in but when i was coming up this block there was an ambulance that was stuck yes did you guys see that it just wouldn't move and this is classic new y shit. I'm on a phone call and I'm like, oh, come on.

All right. Literally, there's maybe a person dying in there and I'm like, mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. But it wouldn't move. And it was, I shit you not, like seven minutes on one block. Wow. Which for an ambulance is fucking bad. But that's New York. It's that.

Congested. It shouldn't have gone up a busy block in Times Square. Right. True. They literally, whoever they was picking up should have told them to meet them at the end of the street

so he wouldn't block the fucking whole street. Right. So where do you live? I live in Atlanta. Oh, you're still there. Okay. I was in Indiana for 15 years.

I just moved back last year. That's an upgrade, I think. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't like Indiana at all. I like Atlanta. I love Atlanta. And LA is just too fake. Everybody vegan. Everybody want to take you Indiana at all. I like Atlanta. I love Atlanta. And L.A. is just too fake. Everybody vegan.

Everybody want to take you out at dinner. They chew and then they go to the bathroom and spit the food out. Right. They're just too fucking fake. I agree. They're a bunch of, there's a land of goo goo lies. So I don't like L.A. And it costs too fucking much.

Yeah, and the traffic and the smog and the homeless. You can keep going. The homeless, you know, like in Atlanta, the homeless is positioned in certain places. In L.A., they just be laying out in the street like they had the Marriott. You're like, excuse me, sir. He's like, fuck you, bitch. It's my bedtime. You're trying to parallel park as a whole human being.

Right. In that parking spot spot because that's where they're gonna sleep tonight i'm like what the fuck is wrong with it how do you get control of this homeless problem i don't know what to do yeah it's the weather well the drugs have made it so much worse no it's the weather is so good it's easy to sleep outside when it's always 80 degrees yeah if i was homeless here i would just start walking just give it la until the last week this winter hasn't been that bad here yeah it kicked up it kicked up the wind the wind the snow it snowed yesterday yeah there was no snow that was this white shit falling out there that was cocaine

that's why i do this shit so i like the south i really like like the South. Atlanta's cool. I like the South too. Yeah. Point of raise. Yeah, I'll be there soon. I like going there. Where are you coming to?

Tabernacle. Okay. Should be fun. I've done the clubs for years there. Laughing Skull. Is that still there? Mm-hmm. Punchline.

Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there.

Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there.

Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there.

Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there.

Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there.

Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there. Punchline is there yep see the jello while you're doing your stand-up oh that's fun classic no i played that room for years uh what do you think about buckhead why are you here to say it like that well i'm doing a gig there i want to get your take what buck is really nice where you're doing it at bucket theater really fucking nice oh really yeah all right i saw bill cause st regis there it's not what it used to be used to be party central oh really yeah it's like real cleaned up there, it's not what it used to be. It used to be Party Central. Oh, really? Yeah, it's like real cleaned up.

Yeah, it's bougie. Why are you here? I've been in Atlanta in a long time. I moved here from Salt Lake City, but I grew up in Atlanta until I was like, I moved when I was 15. Oh. Too gay? In Salt Lake?

Yeah, no, Atlanta. Atlanta's pretty gay. Is it now? Oh, yeah. No, I'm not. What? What's wrong with me? Really? I thought you were gay. No. Is it now? Oh, yeah. No, I'm not. What? What's wrong with me? Really?

I thought you were gay. No. Ah, well, fire this guy. No. Everyone's gay for the right price, Mark. You got that right. What's in it for me? I'll give you a little buckhead.

Mark actually pays him a dollar. He's like, oh, this is actual Buckhead. This stinks. Yeah, Buckhead is really nice. You're going to like that theater. It's beautiful. All right. Thank you.

I'm excited. What's your favorite barbecue spot in Atlanta? Uh-oh. I just got back last year. I don't know. I haven't had any fucking barbecue. How about just like good food in Atlanta? I go to this place called, where we go breakfast is barney's

it's right over there by grady hospital remember grady hospital well they don't gentrify it all that shit they don't ram my people out and the good old white people don't came in there to plant flowers they thought my people couldn't plant flowers so so you know they it's it's it don't even look the same like when i grew up so it's really nice restaurant popping up every fucking where a night scenery because it's something to do there every damn night right all right let's do it my little barney's so if you go call me and then i get you in because it's hard to get it. Oh, really? The line is down the fucking street. All right. I'm excited. I can throw your name around.

The line's down the street. Don't walk in there and say my name. Oh, okay. Just call me and I'll tell them you're coming. I appreciate it. Yeah, don't walk in there and say, Miss Pat, you probably get your ass whipped. Cecil Hooker's going to hit me. I don't know if it's still there.

You got to go check out Fat Matt's. You remember that place? I think it was called Fat Matt's Ribs. Is it still there? Is it? She said it's still there. You've got to go check out Fat Matt's. Do you remember that place? I think it was called Fat Matt's Ribs. Is it still there? Is it? She said it's still there. I think the first time I came to New York, and this is like five, six years ago. Well, it's not the first time.

But I went to go see Aladdin on Broadway. And the lights came up at the intermission. And sitting like two seats over from me was Andre Benjamin. And he was wearing a Fat Matt's barbecue t-shirt. Wow. How good? Yeah yeah the most dressed down like no he's dangerous now yeah like but compared to the you know the green suit and the splitting like the long hair he was just in the barbecue t-shirt so like i was the only person who recognized him too underrated handsome guy and kind of an underrated actor he's actually a pretty good great actor yeah i mean obviously outcast is amazing but look at that he's a hunk he just

i think he just said hey i made my money i don't have time for the bullshit i want to walk away wow is he done with showbiz you think i don't know because i haven't seen we hoping one day for another album i know outcast was killer he got back together for Coachella a couple years ago. Oh. Big Boy stole. He's always around. I ran into him at the airport

not long ago. Oh, yeah? Did you say what's up? Yeah, he did. I didn't recognize him. My assistant recognized him. He had grown a beard and mustache.

I didn't recognize him. Yeah. When you're on the road, do you do the road pretty hard? Yeah. Do you have any things you do do you do the road pretty hard? Yeah. Do you have any things you do like you're like, you got to go to a good restaurant? Is there like a routine you have?

No, not really. I don't get out into the city. I go to my fucking hotel, go to sleep, perform, and go back to sleep. Gotcha. Because I do a morning show in Atlanta, and then I'm always working on something, trying to develop or whatever during the week and I'm building a house so I don't have time for anything yeah it's a big house I heard

it is oh that's exciting I heard from Pam yeah I uh I decided to be my own general contractor and I built a 17,000 square foot house wow that's huge yeah no wonder you like atlanta you're living good yeah you could too if you come on in there with me i'll i'm down you're leaving new york for atlanta wow if i can check up with old patty i'm down i missed the sound no stay your ass up here because you're not shaking up with no old patty i didn't mean it like that i just mean old o-l-e share stories i lost virginity to a hooker well i'm not a fucking

i mean I mean, we both have experiences. I'm not selling you no pussy. Merger's digging himself a bigger hole here. I'm not saying you're a hooker. Obviously, you're an established lady. I fucked prostitutes before. I'm not a fucking prostitute. I know, but you dabbled with the ladies, so I was just trying to relate. You're not doing a good job. All right, all right.

This is a horrible speed date. But, love Atlanta. Hot Lana, they call it. do like atlanta i'm excited to go i'm excited to be there again great comedy town underrated audiences yeah great crowds how big is the theater y'all doing i don't know mine's not that big i think mine's like nine on nine hundred it's pretty big i think i don't know yeah tabernacle's definitely big yeah i'm only doing a show there but it'll be fun i'm pumped i think bill bird did the did the black and white special there oh wow yeah It's pretty big, I think. I don't know. Yeah, Tabernacle's definitely big. Yeah, I'm only doing a show there, but it'll be fun. I'm pumped. I think Bill Bird did the black and white special there.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Fuckhead Theater holds 1,800. Holy shit. Let's go. You doing 1,800? I'm excited. That's good.

I made that fuck you easy, sir. Oh, Mark, you could fucking do it easily. What are you talking about? I didn't know it was 18. Yeah, you could. Stop it. Oh, boy. If I could do it, you could do it.

All right. Well, pull out my old fat Matt shirt. Yeah, you could. Stop it. Oh, boy. If I could do it, you could do it. All right. Well, pull out my old fat Matt shirt. Well, what's a tabernacle? Pull that puppy up. Atlanta. It's both of them really nice. I thought you said tabernacle was 1800.

Pat Nonswell did his, I think he did the Cotton Club. His shit is 1800. That's too much. No, I think mine is close to that, too. There's several rooms inside of it. Oh, okay. Maybe I'm doing the Cotton Club. His shit is 1800. That's too much. No, I think mine is close to that, too. There's several rooms inside of it. Oh, okay. Maybe I'm doing the small one. Sorry, it says 2600, but that can't be true. I think it's 18.

Wow. It says 2600 right here. I think it's pretty big. That might be for music, though, with standing room and shit. I think for stand-up, it's 18. Wow, 1911. How about that? Isn't that cool?

That's the cool thing about theaters is they're like Houdini play here. It's the most random. I just started in September. I have my first theater tour called Young Girl Done Made It. And I'm moving into theater, but I really like clubs. Clubs are fun. You need both, I think. You got to mix.

Clubs to build and the theaters to hone, you know? Right. Is that what it is? I think. I mean mix clubs, clubs to build and the theaters to hone, you know? Right. Is that what it is? I think, I mean, what do I know? I mean, it's,

I agree. I think it's good to theaters are cool. It's cool to do them, but I think, I mean, I'm looking forward to it. I'm excited about moving into theaters, but it's also,

cause you know, clubs, you're so personal and in theaters, just out there, you know, in a club is easy to control 400 yeah but now you gotta control 1800 but so no check spot no chicken wings no heckle it's it's a little more uh happy to be there yeah it's a it's chris rock said this once he goes it's velvet seats

oh he's got something about velvet seats they behave better it's true all right that's a bigger ticket price yeah it's more expensive they really have to want to be there as opposed to clubs sometimes those clubs have like a mailing list you know they know who you are but they they're not as invested i think in the clubs but i i'm with you i love clubs too i i did clubs for so long. I love, I mean, I, I,

you learn to love it. I mean, it's part of, you know, you're going to slip in a theater, like a dirty foot in a sheet. You're going to love it. You're going to slip right in like a toenail,

this hoof in the bed. Just calling back. All right, all right. What is that, fat mats, you say? I got to check that out. I thought Cecil got fucked. I'm just saying, I think you're going to like, when you start doing them, you're going to love it.

I agree with Mark. I think you're really going to. I'm excited. I'm excited. Oh, yeah. I got about 13, 14 dates so far. So I'm excited. I agree with Mark. I think you're really going to. I'm excited. I'm excited. Oh, yeah. I got about 13, 14 dates so far. So I'm excited. That is exciting.

Yeah. It's a jump. The big house, the theaters. Killing it. You're going to like it. You got to sell a liquor. Have you thought about that? No.

Amaretto. Oh. Miss Pat's. I do like Amarillo. And I'm ready to go because he looking cute to me. All right. I turned you around. Have you been with the Whitey?

Never been with a Whitey. Oh, I'm a good transition. No, you're not. You won't even feel me. I'm quite sure I won't. You'll feel me because I'm going to have to probably be on top. I'll take it.

All right. Bring it on. You're smashing the shit out of you. You wake up and you're going to be dead and you don't want white people to die. You leave them out too long and you turn into black people.

Tell that to Dolezal. Something to look forward to. Yeah. Something to look forward to is dying. Something to look forward to. All right. I'm Blake. Well, I'll suck those nail-less toes all day. Oh, shit.

Okay. All right. So you got some clubs coming up, it looks like. When does this come out, Matt? I'm in Kansas City. Well, when does this come out? April what? April 7th and 8th.

Okay. In the Kirkstown Comedy Club in Oklahoma okay that's a good room classic great i'll have a podcast going on that week oh make sure y'all get the tickets to that hell yeah yeah april 28th and 28th in tac say? New date. Those are theaters. Yeah. That's it. Don't walk around too much in that downtown area in Tacoma. A little messy. A little messy. Messy. A little messy.

When I was there with Gary Veeder, we were in the hotel in the power. We were in the nice hotel in the area, but the power kept going out. So it's like we would just be in the room. I'd be like, dude, is your power out? He'd be like, the power's out. Then we get in the elevator for the building, and it's's broken they're like oh be careful the elevator it's broken what is be careful it's we're on the 23rd floor what do you mean be careful so we get in and it's stuck and gary's trying to get us out and some guys are drunk they're like it's fine it's fine gary pushed

a guy out of the way wow to get us out and i was like and then they got stuck so we got we got fucking lucky yeah but uh it is a good club though Tacoma yeah I like Tacoma also I wanted to mention about Pat

that her theater tour starts in September okay get those tickets now and it starts in Louisville on September 8th and on the 9th in Indianapolis

ooh going back to the home went on sale this week this week it sure did hell yeah go to miss pat comedy.com for all the dates and and you gave me get your tickets i love it we can hang out now

we're talking and so toenail yeah this suck my toes tour that's pretty good this girl done made it and uh sammy you got your dates up here yeah but i got they're adding more we got like you know la san diego sacramento and uh sf but we're adding a bunch of stuff we got columbus cincinnati indy kalamazoo perrysburg york pennsylvania bethlehem i'm all over pennsylvania wilmington delaware baltimore philly uh what so what why are you laughing at me you just hear the work you're gonna have to do too that's pam oh yeah because i'm gonna tell her to get me on local tv and burn a hole all right uh hampton beach portland maine connecticut richmond virginia greensboro ashville charlotte knoxville memphis uh birmingham so much more coming. You know, Denver, Santa Fe, San Antonio, Houston.

Let's go. Hell yeah. samorell.com slash shows. All right. I'm coming to a theater near you and. Do you want me to read this? No. And this is my website, ladies on fentanyl.

So this is all out of whack. Oh, no. But I'm coming to do a theater tour announcing it soon. And I'm coming to Australia. Whoa. This summer, June. So I'm coming to do a theater tour, announcing it soon, and I'm coming to Australia this summer, June. So say hello down under. And marknormancomedy.com, get some Bodega Cat. Check out, what was your podcast?

My podcast is called The Pat Down. The Pat Down. Make sure y'all go and watch season three of The Miss Pat Show, because it's out now. Oh, awesome. And if you've never heard of The Miss Pat Show, because i've never done this podcast and it might be a new audience start at season one i'm gonna start watching it i'm pumped i'm pumped this is really good it's really good emmy nominated folks i'm gonna give it a plug real quick uh as always i'm at joey roses tuesdays come down see me at the bar

there you go bartender for real i am yeah it's down Joe DeRosa's place on 174 Rivington Street. Sing it, sister. Sister? Sister? You ain't shit. Y'all better start listening to him. He always talking mad bullshit. You didn't hear that?

You better start listening to him. There's something wrong with you. We're ending this on you ain't shit. You're the only person who listens to me. All right. The Pat Down. The Pat Down with Miss Pat. That's funny.

That's the name of Rudy Giuliani's podcast. I barely got that out. But yeah. It should have been the Pat Down. Stop and frisk. You got it. All right. I thought you got Arnold Schwarzenegger the groping

Oh that too Alright look great episode So nice to have you on the show Thank y'all for having me And all you guys Matt Peter Salamanca everybody Pat We're rocking This kid you beat this kid up

Fuck yeah I beat the dog too Great episode Thanks for listening to We Might Be Drunk baby ass. This kid, you would beat this kid up? Fuck yeah, I'd beat the dog too. You see that dog? Great episode. Thanks for listening to We Might Be Drunk. Keep drinking. And I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming. And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her.

And I get down in the same way. We might be true.