We Might Be Drunk - Ep 128: Rachel Feinstein & Vodka Soda

Episode Date: May 22, 2023

It's time for We Might Be Drunk featuring the dynamic duo Mark Normand and Sam Morril! Joining them on this uproarious adventure is the talented comedian Rachel Feinstein. With her razor-sharp wit and infectious humor, Rachel is sure to bring a whole new level of comedy to the podcast. In this side-splitting episode, Mark, Sam, and Rachel dive into a range of topics that will have you in stitches. From discussing the quirks of Jewish culture with a nasal voice to sharing their hilarious encounters with Uber drivers, these three comedic powerhouses deliver non-stop laughs and uproarious anecdotes. So grab your headphones and get ready to join the laughter-filled conversation with these hashtags: #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #RachelFeinstein #ComedyPodcast #JewishHumor #UberTales #LaughOutLoud And now, to leave you with a hilarious Jewish joke: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Because it interferes with their suffering! Remember, laughter is the best medicine, so don't hold back those chuckles! Tune in to "We Might Be Drunk" and prepare for an unforgettable comedy experience with Mark Normand, Sam Morril, and Rachel Feinstein. Share the joy and spread the laughter by using the hashtags above. It's time to unleash your laughter and enjoy the show! Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/  Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/shows Rachel Feinstein: https://rachel-feinstein.com/ Support the show and get 20% off and Free Shipping at https://www.SheathUnderwear.com with the code DRUNK Head to https://www.tryfum.com/DRUNK to save an additional 10% off on your order Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com/shop Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/        

Hey, hey. Ho, ho. This penis party's got to go. We're waiting on a guest. Ladies, always running on lace, got to put their makeup on, their good face on. Yeah, yeah, the tampons, the maxi pads, you name it. Nah, I'm joking. Let's open with a peeve.ve okay this is one of my best friends

rachel feinstein who's on the episode today and this is her excuse why she's running late she called me and she goes uh oh thank you very much this is a campari soda it is oh she wanted a vodka soda thank you danielle let me tell you something when it's hot out like this and the city's getting warm again, I crave a Campari soda. There's something old man Italian about it. I kind of like it. It's a summer drink. It's refreshing. It's a good cocktail.

Oh, yeah. All right. What do I got here? Gin and ton? Vodka. Vodka ton. Vodka soda. Vodka soda.

Nothing wrong with that. So, this is a peeve. That's got a kick. I put in the old studio address. Yeah. And then she tells me she's on 44th Street. I was like, well, that has nothing to do with the old studio. You caught her on that one.

I didn't say that. I let her have it. Well, we're going to let her have it when she comes in here. Yeah, the old studio. To the moon, Alice. Yeah, one time a guy got me me he goes uh why didn't you answer my call he called me and i didn't answer and i texted him and he goes why didn't you answer i go i'm driving and he's like so you don't answer the phone when you drive but you text and i was like damn it he got me i actually had a friend who was so dumb he would do that what he would i would call him, and he would text back,

driving right now, and I was like, yeah, he's dumb enough to do this. Ah, yeah. It wasn't you. He's a guy who's actually dumb enough to text and drive, but he's like, I shouldn't talk on the phone, but I'll text. Right.

I think it's illegal to talk on the phone while driving. Is it? Is that illegal? Maybe not with the car play, because you can just go, boop, hey, how are you? But the texting is definitely illegal. They're getting a little carried away on the iPhone with the driving thing. I was walking the other day and it said, are you driving?

I was like, I'm walking slowly. Oh, yeah. What are we doing here? I know. One time, I'll ever tell you this. I was driving in L.A. and I was texting, and I look over and a guy's in a car next to me. He goes, and I was like, oh, shit.

It felt like a dad. I wanted to blow him. I was like turned on. guy i was like you're right you got me dude got me dead to rights good spanking after that yeah bend me over take it daddy i uh i did that once i walked into some we were both on our phones and we walked into each other and we were both mad at the other person like my phone thing was more important than your phone thing. Right. Yeah, I've seen a guy walk into a pole before while texting, and that's very satisfying.

It's a stripper. They're not even paying attention while they're dancing anymore, I tell you. These strippers, no respect. Strippers are taking Venmo now. Are they really? Yeah. They get a little barcode temporary tattoo with a little QR. The homeless have got to figure Venmo out.

Oh, no shit. They're getting crushed. Killed out there. No one has cash. No cash. I know. I love cash. I'm all cash.

Yeah, well, we still get paid in cash. It's nice having cash on you. I love having cash. Yeah. And it's easier for tipping. You throw one in the bucket, you know? Yeah, which bucket? What, the bathroom attendant or something? Well, like at the pizza place. You pop one in the bucket, you know? Yeah, which bucket? What, the bathroom attendant or something?

Well, like at the pizza place. You pop one in the jar at the coffee shop. I never pay by cash, though. Yeah, it's fun to throw in whatever tip. I'm all okay. I hate the fucking screen turning around, and you go, oh, I give you the 20%, and you have to sign. I hate that thing.

Here's a one. Here's a two. Yeah. I'm not signing shit why do you hate it i just don't like them looking at me tipping so they know yeah it's too intrusive because this way it's more like it's unexpected like the expected tip isn't exciting they're like yeah yeah no you should give this but when it's you're like oh no and here's something exactly it should be on my my ownition. That makes sense. Yeah.

I don't want you to ask me to tip. Now I have to tip. The tipping is the whole point of it is, here you go. It's a gift. Yeah. Now it's an obligation. Look at us in our bodega cat shirts. Oh, yeah. We're looking kind of cool.

Repping, baby. Look at that. This is a little small on me. This is a tight, but this is all they had. Yeah? Yeah. I'll wear it. You'll wear it?

I'll wear it. All right. I'm going to take it off now. You don't want to see my hairy physique. Not now, but at a future time. You don't want to see this Holocaust body? Oh, I'll wear it. You'll wear it? I'll wear it. All right. I'm going to take it off now. You don't want to see my hairy physique. Not now, but at a future time. You don't want to see this Holocaust body? Oh, yeah. Are you kidding me?

It looks like a garlic knot that fell on the floor of a barbershop. Where do you stand on garlic knots? I think it's overrated. It's all just bread. They can be done really well, a garlic knot. But, yeah, I'm at the pizza place. Why am I going to get garlic? Exactly.

Here we go. Look who it is. Come on. She's here. It's just like a Kramer entrance. Sit down. There's your mic. How are you there?

Hey, Rach. Good to see you. You're like Mary Poppins. You whisked in here. Well, you need a microphone here. This is Danielle. I'm Danielle. Nice to meet you.

Danielle, hi. You got your water cash? You're out of breath? What's going on? Because I put the wrong address in the Uber. Usually, we were trying to poke holes in your wrong address here. Look at my Uber. You can look at my Uber.

I know, but you said you're on 44th Street. That's why I don't understand why it makes a difference. Well, because of two dumb things. But look at my Uber. I want to hear the other dumb things, what adds up. I'm Columbo-ing you. No, it's extra dumb. There's one more thing that was bothering me.

It's extra dumb. All right. Okay, so I accidentally went to, I put in the Uber. Okay, first of all, you guys moved addresses. That's true. That's true. A year and a half ago. A year and a half ago.

So I haven't been here since then so then um i was like oh the old one was right by caroline's so i put caroline's in there but i put caroline's school or something like it reconnected which is also no longer here which is also no longer here and then i was just like on the phone then all of a sudden i realized i was like oh wait not only are we not there but we're like at caroline's school like not even their comedy club but like their school and i was like fuck and i only are we not there but we're like at Caroline's school like not even their comedy club but like their school and I was like fuck and I was so proud of myself too I was gonna be a few minutes early

like I have my shit together this is a new fucking reach and I was like I'm gonna get a slice on the way in all of a sudden I was like oh god yeah and then Sam called me and I was like really hoping that you guys didn't run a tight ship but weirdly enough for being like such a mess you run a tight fucking ship we gotta have a regimented schedule but I'm, for being such a mess, you run a tight fucking ship.

We gotta have a regimented schedule. But I will say that I'm usually on time, and I was on time last time. That's not true. No, no, not for social engagements, but for work. Oh, okay. Which one is this? Is this social or work?

I guess this is both. You are one of the friends where I'm like, I'm gonna show up 15 minutes late, and then I'm still 15 minutes early. Oh, yeah. Definitely. No, socially, I'm pretty worthless. You do have a kid, though.

At least you have that excuse. Having a kid gives you, you know, that's an excuse. That's going to be what my book is. It's going to be like, as a mom, juggling it all, something, something, Jaeger. I saw a clip with Chris D. And he's like, anyone who doesn't have kids who complains is a fucking retard.

You got to go get your shit done. You don't have kids. I have kids. It's so hard. You can't find a relationship. Fuck you.'t have kids who complains is a fucking retard. You got to go get your shit done. You don't have kids. I have kids. It's so hard. You can't find a relationship. Fuck you. I have kids. It is funny.

I feel like the things that your friends without kids will complain about, they'll be like, oh, yeah, this girl wouldn't leave after I fucked her. And I'm like, you know what, dude? I told you that in confidence. I wasn't going to say your name, by the way. I literally thought myself. That was pretty rude. But also, kids never leave. Good luck trying to get rid of one of them

they're always there that's why pedophiles should know yeah but my like I don't know if I'm allowed to say this on the podcast but we can bleep it if we don't but like James like he was supposed to shoot something with me and my husband on Sunday and he's like a mom excuse

he'll be like oh my daughter has a fever or whatever or something. You know, anything like that. James Webb, the director. James. I love James. Directed both of me and Mark's Netflix specials. James is like, I was like, so we're going to definitely shoot Sunday.

He's like, I'm thinking about tripping. Just doing drugs? He's like, I might do shrooms is the best excuse and the most honest excuse I've ever heard. That's the moment where you're like, just make up something. Don't be like, I might decide to trip, but I haven't decided yet is a worthless. Damn, he's honest. I respect that. It's fun because he shot my special and I got all these big wig agents there and he

wouldn't give them a time of day and you could tell it really fucked with them. They're like, who's this guy? A jacked, muscly dude walking around in a tank top and all these suits are trying to talk to him and he's just walking around looking like a Blade Runner extra. Yeah, he's got the gear on, the big steadicam body armor. James lived with me for a while and it was hilarious. He was going to come to New York.

He's the father. Yes, he's the dad of my child. Yeah, he knocked me. James banged me for a while. He's a hunk. You got stuffed by James? I got stuffed up by James. He's showing web.

No, actually, not only does James, like, not even file me in the category of a woman, but I was telling him something once about, like, you know when you're like, does this person even know I'm a woman? Like, I'm like, I don't think he even realizes it. I was actually, like, telling a story about somebody that was clearly hitting on me on Instagram, and James was like, nah, I don't see it. I mean, come on. There's no way.

Even Sam was like, no, I think he had a pretty direct DM hitting. He's like, nah, couldn't be possible. It's a dick pic. He's like, no way. You're reading into this. Every story where I even forward a light compliment, James is like, come on. I've crunched the numbers on that impossible you're dreaming yeah he just doesn't even see me as a female which is fine that's fine some people file you under female some people do you ever feel

like that like where you're where some women register you as a man and other ones you're like of course yeah yeah yeah i'm a twink or a you know i, I'm just a blah. I'm an asexual. I'm neutral. You know? It's a bad feeling when a woman calls you, like, buddy or pal. I'm like, that fucking, I don't care for that. Even if I know they're married, I'm like, you better, I want them sexual tension in the mix still. Yes. Yeah.

Of course. Although women are trickier whether they're attracted to you. And I've said this to you before, Sam, because sometimes, like, you'll think somebody is not into you. And I'm like, no, that's just her playing a highly manipulative subtle game and I've done that too so yeah she might be buddying you because she wants you to sure but then you have the guy who uses that like oh she oh that girl hates you no no that's how she flirts and you're like no no she hates you so there's that side of it too she gave you the finger across the street she wants yeah it is a convenient place to file anybody that's mean to you or rejecting you. My brother said that to me once, just probably because he felt sorry for me.

I was like, this guy is really mean to me. He's like, he's probably attracted to you. And I'm like, that's such a healthy thing to tell yourself. Right, right. Whenever somebody's just not interested in hanging out with you or doesn't care for your comedy, too. Probably really aroused by me. Yeah, but you see guys the whole time like, oh, they're just jealous they shit on your my act yeah but they're just jealous i'm like i wish i had that i'm like yeah my act does suck i go i agree with him i have a friend who's so confident

with women and he's like i remember he went to a girl drunk in a bar once he goes let's be honest you came here to get fucked and she was like no i didn't and he was like, no, I didn't. And he was like, yeah, you did. Holy shit. That's a marvelous line. Would you believe it didn't work? That was actually my great aunt, Edith Schneider's pickup line. She also used to say that. Yeah. That would work well for a woman.

She would often walk into the deli and just see a guy, you know, and be like, hey, Seymour, you came here to get fucked. Come on. You want one thing, and that's this sweet pussy. Let's be honest. You came here to get fucked is one of the funniest things. It's an all-timer. You got a good pickup line?

Nah, not. I mean, I have a few things that are fun. What would you go to? My go-to is, man, if I wasn't gay, and then they go, oh, too bad. And I go, I'm not. There's a man, if I wasn't gay, and then they go, oh, too bad. I go, I'm not. You see me do that.

Rachel see me do one of them, which is the one. Well, I'll go up to a bar and I'll pretend to be on the phone and I'll be I'll be like 20 million for the Children's Hospital. That's not enough money. We have to make more. I'm sorry. I have to take this call. It's very important. That's good.

That usually works. That's good. Usually at least a smile. I've never seen it not work way back in the day when we used to actually go out together and like try to wig each other sam would pull that one and it would be it would be a which is a way better look for men being with a woman because you're like he's not a murderer he's with a woman but it doesn't do her any favors to be with me no you're like this guy's drunk right right no people were just like highly suspicious of me and sam like you know it worked for sam foley i'm like oh you could trust him i'm a i'm like an appendage

to trusting him exactly yeah uh but yeah when he would like hang around near me and i would talk to a guy they'd just be like are you what are you guys trying to do are you trying to rob me or like or co-rape me like what's happening it's? It's not good luck. Sam would be like, hey, the Knicks, something. And the guy was just like, I think I'm gonna be... I'd be like, look at her. See her? Not gonna kill you.

Come here. I use Will for that. I have Will standing there. I'm like, ah, black joke, black joke. Hey, Will's here. We got Will here. Will Silvins, everybody. Will.

The thing is, you can get away with with Will next to you on stage when you're yabba-dabba doing. Oh, my God. Forget about it. The worst is when you're riffing with will and the audience groans and you're like i went too far with will yeah that's a bad sign true because he you really gotta get it he gets

to get a jail-free card with the juice stuff with me though yeah oh my god good point did she um this is like such a twatty way to start a sentence that I realize I come off as an absolute twat, but my housekeeper. Poor me, my hard life. No. Okay. She comes every couple of weeks. She doesn't live with me. But anyway, so we've had a pretty close relationship for, you know, for like she comes every couple weeks to like clean.

Overshared with her to a great degree. I thought probably like webs had been held by her. It's not good. Wow. Anyway, but I thought we were like super close. And I swear to God, she was like in the middle of cleaning and she stopped and she goes, she goes, my friend Mariana, she works for Jewish people. And she's like, bad people, no? Oh, no.

She didn't know. And she said, no, she knows. Oh, that's even weirder. She thought I would check out the story. That's why she was asking me. She's like, it's, no, she knows. Oh, that's even weirder. She thought I would check out the story. That's why she was asking me. She's like, it's bad people. And I was like, no. And then I was like, are they like Hasidic?

I slowly gathered that they were like Hasidic Jews, you know? And she's like, they're not nice to her. They make her wash the walls. They make her eat outside and separate the food. So I tried to explain like being kosher to her, you know? And then I was like, I was really proud of my like speech. I was like, well, with, with any extreme religion, I was like, you're gonna get a lot of repression. A lot of these guys go to prostitutes, you know, and things, any extreme religion, you

should go in a hooker and all kinds of weird stuff's happening for any like fundamentalist religion. I'm like really thinking, I'm like, wow, what a marvelous monologue you're weaving to teach her not to hate Jews. And then she goes, but Jewish is a bad, right? you're weaving to teach her not to hate Jews. And then she goes, but Jews, she's a bad, right? And then I tried to explain the Holocaust.

And I was like, some of the reasons why she goes, they have 10 kids. It's gross, right? Not necessary. I have 10 kids. I was like, I mean, I don't disagree with that. No, that is weird. It's a weird look. Yeah, but you know, it's kind of lost when you have to explain the Holocaust. I know.

It might be over. When you're throwing that in. Let me explain the 1940s to you like no it's too late we're ready once you're like searching up the jury's on your phone it's not a good life but jewish is tough because you can't always tell it's not like a black guy or an asian guy so you must hear some jew stuff some jew hate and people go oh i didn't know that was you because you know you might not know you're jewish out of the gate i've got i've gotten that before people think italian sometimes yeah yeah oh yeah you could be from a lot of italian too

i'm like no i'm just jewish and french canadian yeah after i heard you speak i'd be like definitely a jew really the prettiest girls are always french canadian i. I'm not hitting on you, I swear. She doesn't register as a woman. We're just an entity. Wait, what do you mean? What did you say? How do you know she was Jewish when they're speaking? Nasally, I don't know. Oh, really?

Nasally? No, not nasally, but it's a Jewish voice. It's a Jewish voice. All right, I'm learning. People under all my videos just talk about my voice, so apparently I have a very annoying, like, under all my videos just talk about my voice. So apparently I have, like, a very annoying, very, like, nasal problematic. Yeah. You just, like, looked at me like you were trying not to agree so quickly.

Like, I'm going to give it a second. I'm just staring off, listening. No. No, it's a fine voice. I mean. I mean, look who's talking. I sound like a fucking robot, you know? I'm inviting the comments to just explode right now.

Oh, bring it on. We need the algo. We need the comments. Keep commenting, guys. Yeah, fight in the comments to just explode bring it on we need the algo we need the comments keep commenting guys yeah fight in the comments go nuts yeah and i also when i showed her the picture of the of the holocaust like i actually brought up a picture of like some kids i was like see they killed all these people and here they are like shaking a fence and i was like oh my lord i was like so that's the reason why they want to have so many kids by By the way, please feel free to fact check me because I have no information. I think you're right. That's why Jews want to marry Jews, too.

Right. And why they because they don't know if the Holocaust is ever going to happen again. So I explained it to her and I showed her like some of the some like Jewish kids holding a fence. And she was like, she just kind of shrugged. Like she was like, yeah, she never heard of the Jews. She didn't know about the Holocaust. I'm not sure. Wow.

But it was one. I thought we were doing pretty good PR, getting it out there. Yeah. PR is hilarious. My mom will do shit like that where my mom will call me and be like, I had a taxi driver today and he was just saying how Jews are cheap and bad people. So of course I didn't leave him a tip and I'm like, good job, mom. You showed him.

Yeah. Way to break the the stereotype you just reminded me to tip the uber driver that I got okay well I'm glad I brought that up I always do it at my next uber does anybody do that like I don't remember to put it he just looks up he goes Feinstein I don't put it in until I take the next ride is anybody else I'm the same way you forget about it yes okay so I just kind of think that's an okay time to do it. Is that true or no? Sure. Yeah. As long as you tip them. Okay.

Good. Yeah. Well, the tough thing about the Uber is what do you tip a cab? Two bucks? Well, I just tipped him 20 because I promised him to pay him cash if he would take me here because I realized I already ended the ride with the wrong address. And then I realized I didn't give

him anything. Oh, that's hilarious. But it was only four blocks difference. Okay. You're a good person. Just remind him of how it cost. You didn't tip well. Look at these children. Pull up a photo. Look at that. They're hugging a fence.

The photo is such a dumb moment. Why did he need to show her a picture? And I Googled like cute pics. You need to watch Holocaust Docs as a Jew because we complain so much culturally that it does for just a brief period put things in perspective where I'm like, this fucking happened. There's construction in my building. And then you watch it like, oh, Otto Frank wasn't granted citizenship and they died as a family.

Yeah, all you have to do is look up typhus. If you think I'm being a twat in a store, just be like typhus kids holocaust. Uh-oh, I don't know what typhus. Well, they all just like died of typhus and all kinds of other gangrenous diseases in the camps, which is why I can be like a fucking cunt in a deli. Yeah, sure. That makes sense. No, I think that, I feel like we were pretty good. We both tip pretty well

as Jews, but we just overanalyze everything and like complain. Also like, yeah, I think a lot of people were in our heads, but I do think it's like a very New York thing. Like so much is coming at you all day that you'll be on the subway like, you know, like, oh my god like this fucking, this asshole, this fucking asshole here. here no respect no decency and then you see someone come

on with no legs and you're like what am i complaining about i'm a fucking asshole then you get to the next stop and another guy bumps you and you're like this fucking cocksucker right you know it reminds me of that scene from sci-fi one of my favorite scenes ever when like they're all at their funeral and she's like and then like then, like, everybody's just, like, wailing, sobbing. And Elaine's like, I feel like I wear the same thing. Yeah. Again and again and again. Yes. So true.

Everyone's got their own process. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A friend of mine, she has, like, twins. And she's, like, talking about trying to get their house ready because one of them can't walk. And they need, like, a, they need to, like, you know, wheelchair-proof the house and put these, like, ramps up. And then I'm just like, I feel like i should be playing larger theaters

i always feel bad whenever i see a wheelchair at an airport i sit in it because i'm like a seat and then somebody will be like hey i'm using this like the helper i get it i'm like look at this iies. Did you just find this out right now? This is amazing. You guys don't do that? No, but I will use an occasional handicap stall. Oh, I just use one. No one's ever.

You never get that. Wait, I can literally never tell if Mark is joking. Do you? I thought you were being ironically. No, no. I don't think that's crazy. I get the wheelchair. Well, if you see the wheelchair person come up, you move.

I don't think it's crazy. I don't deal with it. The wheelchair person is incredible. The guy hobbling. The handy capable guy. I was dating this guy once and his mom was complaining and complaining to this Russian guy about how

they were like, they had no friends when they first moved to the country. And her example of how her kids weren't popular, she's like, she was like friends with the wheelchair person. And she said this like openly. She was just appalled at what the degradation they had to deal with

when they first moved here. She's like, Marina, she's a friend with the wheelchair person. It's a disaster. We have no popularity. There's something beautiful

about people that don't fully know the language because their blunt honesty is kind of beautiful. But that's still pretty shitty to say. Of course. It's so much of a loser. They're friends with the old cripple.

Yeah. My friend was once – I dated another guy before that and his mother – not my friend, my ex. His mother also – I came in one day and she was weeping in the kitchen. Also, people that don't know they're racist but are aggressively racist. I love them. She was weeping in the kitchen. Also, people that don't know they're racist but are aggressively racist. I love them. She was weeping in the kitchen and I was like, what is wrong? What's happened? And she's like, well, I tell you, this nice girl, her family, she's dating a person with a darker skin.

That lovely doctor that she's dating and she's like he's like from like a place like maybe even the boat won't go that was her way of saying it just weeping like genuine weeping yeah and i was like yeah you know i'm she's a sounds like a really lovely and like positive person why do you think the color of his skin is like so upsetting to you and she's like maybe i'm like this thing like if you don't like these different dresses or something i love that she was like openly trying to figure it out i'm like yeah racist yeah i'm like yes yeah i like that you have to cheer her up too like it'll be okay it's all right yeah she's like it plays like even the boat won't go come on that's like poetic yeah i mean it is nice when somebody's that openly because at least you know where you know where you stand and the word choice is so nice too the

boat that's beautiful right yeah it's like old-timey race like a hemingway yeah Because at least you know where you stand. And the word choice is so nice, too. The boat. Good to know. Beautiful. A boat, right. Beautiful. That's like old-timey racism. Like a Hemingway, yeah. I love Mark's joke about how-

Hemingway racist is amazing. Mark has a joke about how when someone's being racist with you, you almost appreciate it because you're like, wow, that was terrible, but I didn't know we were so close. Yeah, you can trust them. That is hilarious. Yeah, if they're racist, you're full of of hate but at least you connect with them you know intimacy yes exactly no that is true when everybody do another one of those thank you danielle oh yeah thank you sexual stuff too is always good when someone opens up like i like this like

what's his face i'm not gonna say who but he loves getting pegged and he was telling me all about it by the way everyone knows who you're talking about no no sorry okay he's open about it it's in a special it's in his act yeah it's Ron on Hirshberg he loves a good he doesn't love it but he did it once oh he doesn't no the joke is that he didn't like it oh the joke but everyone I heard the peg part and I moved on I didn't listen to the ending this is like a headline for you. You just saw the headline and you're like, that's good enough for me. He said he liked the finger in the butt, so he tried peg in peg. It turns out a finger is the perfect size. Oh, I missed that part.

That's the joke. That's funny. But his mom saw the special, so I'm sure he'll have a joke about the mom seeing the peg. Ooh. Yeah. That is. So respect for putting that in the special. Rough. Yeah, good for Ron on. Thank you, Daniel.

But yeah, pegging. I see him very differently now. Yeah? Yeah, I can't. It doesn't seem right. Could you be with a guy you've pegged? Like, if you pegged a guy, could you keep dating him? I have never done anal since you asked, Mom. You've never done it to you?

Never done, had it done, never had a desire to do it. I don't like a lot of foolishness. I don't like a lot of fanfare. Toys are a business. Toys are not. It's a whole business. I went to a sex store with a woman once. She paid, by the way.

She put her card down before I even get in. It was over $400 worth of sex toys. We didn't use one of them. We tried the first one. We're like, by the way. She put her card down before I even get in. It was over $400 worth of sex toys. Whoa. We didn't use one of them. Really? We tried the first one. We're like, this is stupid. Oh, my lady likes them.

Really? Oh, she's got a drawer full of goodies. Really? Oh, yeah. It's a toy chest. It's wild. And she knows how to use all of them? Oh, my God.

Do you do it with her? I think my problem is my EDD because I can't read the instructions. I'm not going to follow any instructions. Well, it's pretty self-explained. They vibrate. They penetrate. They wiggle. There's one we used, but it was from a previous.

She already had it. And all the stuff we bought, I was like, this is excessive. This is ridiculous. Yeah, well, I'll finish pretty quick. You have to charge it all. You feel ridiculous. You look at my nightstand. We had like four things charging at my nightstand.

I know. I look like a fucking predator. What is this shit? I don't remember what the podcast is, but they you all these um sex toys oh yeah so i got like 50 in the mail do you know i'm talking about i can't remember i've gotten the fleshlights and whatnot so so the same housekeeping i just talked about uh-oh organize them like in on my top shelf just like this bouquet of sex toys so he just walked into my room and it's just like i look like just a godless inexhaustible whore yeah it's like it's like on into my room and it's just like, I look like just a godless, inexhaustible

whore. It's like on the open shelving. It's just like one shelf full of text with like a teddy bear of frankincense on the end. And you've got a surge protector. And there's no way I can discuss it with her and be like, I don't use all of these because it just sounds like all I do is just jam them right between my shoes at home. Sure. She comes home, you come

home, she's dusting them off the shelf. They were organized in these cute little things. They are kind of cute. They're little and pink and blue. One time I was like, I have to become more interesting in bed because I'm like, nobody's ever even bothered to tell me I'm the best they've ever had. No one would tell me that lie. No one's been able to look in my eyes and be like, it's never been better.

I got to step it up. And so I tried to look up like some sort of sexual thing and i googled like like like naughty games on amazon i was like i really feel like i'm 60 looking this up yeah and then i got like a sex game i was like oh maybe we'll play a game and the game is just covered in cocks it's just like a million drawn like cocks and badges like why would that be the artwork like be discreet you know it should Yeah, this classy, this board game should have class and dignity that you're trying to learn how to fuck better. My sexual board game is sorry.

Damn. Yeah, but now the lady- So she uses a lot? Well, I finish in like two seconds a lot. So then I'll just go to town with the- Got the same problem over in our household. Oh, really? Ah.

Yeah. Really? So she's trying yeah really so she's trying to so she's trying to get i you know i feel guilty so i want to get her off as well so we'll pull out the old toy chest okay and you're pretty good about it and you're like yeah i want her to get off and i'm get that little egg thing you worked there i love the egg yeah i love the egg sometimes we get two going at once two eggs yeah oh yeah i yeah. I'm cooking. I'm scrambling. Where do the eggs go? Poached. You know, you put one up top, one maybe on the shoulder, a little massage action.

Get a hard day. Get a Theragun going on her tris. Remember when they used to advertise that? It'd be clearly like a magic wand dildo, and they're like, oh, it's good for the neck. Like that was a commercial on TV. Yeah. Have you guys ever had like weird sex dreams about somebody that you're not even attracted to? Yes.

Some insane, highly sexual dreams. Yeah. Okay. Dildo alarm. Yeah, about the same. And they're hot. I want to stay in them. I'm like, whoa, Estee, all right.

How about this? That was mine. It was somebody that I was like, actually, I mean,. And they're hot. I want to stay in them. I'm like, whoa, Estee, all right. How about this? That was mine. It was somebody that I was like, actually, I mean, Estee is Lisa's attractive woman. I was like somebody that I'm not attracted to at all. So like, okay. It was, I was. She's the book of the Connelly seller for people at home. Yeah, we can probably cut that out.

No, keep it in. It's very important for our product. That's what she said. Keep it in. probably cut that out no keep it in it's very important for our product that's what she said keep it in i had a dream that i like went down on my why am i telling this tell it the housekeeper this is the problem with drinking no on my like 12th grade um i'm sorry senior year history teacher who was like 85 like oh wow like aggressivelyous. She had like white hair in her ears. She's probably dead now. Oh, it's a lady.

Yes. Whoa. And it was like, and I dreamed that I just like just went to town. How did her vagina look in the dream? Was it better than you expected? I think it was. No, because I think that the dream was that like, first of all, I woke up like, why the fuck would I dream that I went down in Alberta?

Like she was like this very serious militant NSL government teacher who was like 85 years old. Wow. There's no way that I'm like secretly attracted to her. I think it was like the fact that everybody at school knew. Like, not only was she just like spread eagle, just what she should have been teaching NSL government. And I was just deep in her snatch. But everybody in school knew that i'd gone down like i think they all walked in and they were like oh we can't start nsl government because

wow have you ever been with a lady no wow that's fascinating i like i made out with a girl once but you know that's what everyone in the world sure yeah but no i've never like um but yeah i just i woke up just rocking with shame and horror that everybody at my high school would know were they mocking you in the in the class or no it was just like quietly getting around it was worse than active mockery it was like i was getting strange looks odd interactions they're like hmm weren't you just 69 teacher in the beginning of class and i was like an impediment to them walking in the class because I was just there just really working it out.

Really fisting the history teacher. I've had a few dreams like that where there's that soft knowledge around that I fucked someone in a very inappropriate place. Like on the floor of the cellar when everyone's trying to get in. They're like, ah, your wrist would get railed there. I thought the band was annoying.

Here's Rachel plowing away. It's always just like some sort of heinous scene. I think a lot of this is like, I don't want to get too therapy on you. Please, analyze it. Like, great shame with sex. Oh, yeah, obviously. Because it's weird. This is an element to your sexy dreams is the shame part and the public

part of them it's only just that i'm in public just you know really interesting yeah you're right it must be like a deep shame and it's also in public places i mean yes so you think it's like you're like you're maybe whatever houses you's gonna get out uh-huh yes now i'm ignorant but i thought jews had less sex shame. Really? I thought the Christians were all sex shame. Really? I think that that's true.

Christians are more known for the sin associated with sex, but I feel like everybody has sex shame. You guys just have it like a kind of a corner on the extreme. Yeah. Well, when I was a kid, the Jewish gals were the ones putting out. Oh, thanks. The BJs. BJs were out of this world.

Shout out to Jewish ladies for sucking us off early on you know who you are thank you something something america thank you noah i was actually talking about like summer camp when you're jewish and you go to summer camp when you're like learning how to do things when you're in like sixth grade that you should be in when you're maybe in high school yes that's what like propelled oh the jewish stay away camp you learn lots of things really young and then you kind of just try them out and everyone knows objectively everyone's terrible what they're doing and then you go from there it's funny because my best friend and um jewish sleepaway camp we used to like call each other lesbian lovers because we didn't understand that that wasn't like funny

we were just like oh we're lesbian lover like you know because we didn't understand that that wasn't like funny. We were just like, oh, we're lesbian lovers. So we would just always do that and sort of like hang on each other all the time. And they had like a big dance where the boy camp. I don't know if your Jewish sleepaway camp was like this, but there was like a boy camp and a girl camp. And they had a dance like on like I think it was like the night before Shabbat. And all the counselors gather around this one boy that I was just so attracted to. I'm sure I just humped a pillow thinking about him for many a night in my bunk.

And then they all decided it was between me and another girl with straight hair. I always wanted just like straight, silky, like Hitler Youth kind of hair. Oh, yeah. And they were all disgusting. We all want the opposite. Totally.

All these aunts with like frizzy hair. I'm like, just give me some fucking straight hair. Yes, yes. Hate the frizz. Yeah, you're like a nice, clean blonde. Not a speck of any evidence. You're a shabby blonde. That day we were in youth.

He's like, clean her off. Clean them out. And I like Jewish women, so there you go. Yes, you like what you didn't have. Exactly. They all went in a huddle around this guy. And he was trying to decide whether he should dance with me or this other girl, Sarah. And the huddle was so quick.

They were like, oh, no. And I heard one of the guys permanently traumatize me. One of the camp counselors was like, her? No, she's gross. It's not really a good question. That doesn't even option. Those are the two we're arguing about? And he was an adult?

Yes. He was a camp counselor. He's like, she doesn't register as a Those are the two we're arguing about. And he was an adult? Yes. He was a camp counselor. He's like, ah, she doesn't register as a woman. Come on. Exactly. Have you heard the voice? Come on. He goes, if I was going to fuck a kid, it'd be a much hotter kid.

All right? What's with you guys in the camps? I thought you were done with the camps. You go back again. It's a different camp. We don't do the same things in those camps. Ah, okay, okay. They feed us.

Oh, got us Oh got it Do you do canoe and stuff? Yeah sure You did that? I did We do like archery We do a lot of fun loving sports And then every Shabbat we have to wear like white

And there's some sort of dance or performance Really? Did you do a performance at your Jewish camp? I did yeah I got on stage for sure How did you fare at Jewish camp? I did, yeah. I got on stage for sure. How did you fare at Jewish camp? I did pretty well. Yeah, no, I got big laughs, yeah.

Oh, you did a routine? I won funniest camper, yeah. Whoa! Funniest camper? Yeah. We got to get that on the wall. Is that okay? Holy hell. I don't know if I would have done as well in a Nazi death camp.

I'm like, hey guys, let me do five minutes here. Funniest camper. Nothing to sneeze at. I'm like, get him. Get his campers. Nothing to sneeze at. I was proud. Yeah. I got in trouble because I made some dumb, I didn't understand the Holocaust at that age, and I made some dumb song up to try to make my friends laugh

about the biggest whore in a concentration camp called the biggest tramp in the camp. And it was like, I could see your ribs through that shirt. Every time the guards walk by, you flirt. She's the biggest tramp in the camp and my parents both picked me up with like a serious talk about the holocaust they're like we've heard about biggest tramp in the camp and we need to tell you this is not fun like i got a seer how he was that is so fun you know what's hilarious i got in so much trouble with this

camp because i remember i was must have been like 11 and i and i would do like a michael jackson impression where i would like grab my dick and i'd'd be like, oh, you know, be doing the Michael Jackson. Yeah, I would be doing that. And it would kill when a child's doing that. Of course. Even the counselors would be laughing. It's a kid doing this shit. And I would be doing whatever I could, vulgar jokes.

And I remember the head counselor pulled me into his office. And he was a very serious man. And his name was Paul Schwartz. He was a great guy. He passed away recently. man and his name was paul schwartz he was a great guy he passed away recently he brought me into his camp his uh the little like little cabin to like scold me and i was a child i didn't know and he was uh and he sat me down he goes it's coming to my attention that you think it's funny to grab your genitals and squeak like a girl and i was like i'm doing michael jackson i don't

understand this guy doesn't get it get mad at mich Michael. And he was like, this is disgusting. You're a disgusting shot. Really scolded me. Wow. The best part is years later, he was on Facebook. He would comment on my every post. Like, phenomenal. Amazing.

He became a fan. I won him over. It took me near 20 years, but God damn it, I did it. Yeah. Well, tell him not to watch BET Comic View because it's all Michael Jackson impressions. Look, I was doing hack material when I was 11. It was the 90s. Do you remember at the time feeling like ashamed when he told you?

So ashamed. It's such a terrible thing to take a kid aside about things like that. I felt horrible. I kept doing it, but I felt like shit. I couldn't stop. I had like a nervous Tourette's where I needed to make people laugh so I couldn't stop

you had you have back in the day when I was younger you were right you were right hey I won class clown I was proud of it

yeah you got class clown oh yeah it was the biggest thing I've ever done no that's huge huge you've done bigger stuff

ah maybe but at the time I got most likely to eat up mrs it was only a dream mark signs his netflix special this is the second biggest thing i've ever done well i was such a nobody in high school and i even brought a date to we did the announcement at prom like best dressed whatever biggest flirt and i was like oh and my date it wasn't nothing to do with me and i think she was off with some other guy. And I won that.

And I remember she kind of moseyed back over. Whoa. Did you close at the end of the night? No, no. She went down on the history teacher. But. She was an easy girl, I'll tell you. In high school, she was voted most likely to conceive.

Still holds up. Also, I drove a convertible a 71 cutlass and it broke down on the way to the dance which was also kind of a bummer my father dropped me off and I never went to we didn't have any dances in my next school because I was in like basically juvie after that but he dropped me off

from school freshman year of high school I was a big public high school in our Datsun that my family called the Feinstein barf mobile because my brother had puked in And so many times that it just reeked of barf none of the doors worked except for the back door Which my dad held open with a broomstick Climb through the back doesn't say so much about why I'm a comedian Yeah, yeah Y'all had to climb through the back of the Datsun and then open the rest of the doors

to get out. So we all had to come through the back. Oh, boy. Somebody would have to get out to get the broomstick out somehow because there was no hinges on the back door. And that's how I was dropped off at school. Ooh. Rough.

Ooh, that's tough. That'll scar you. Yeah. So I wasn't really cleaning up dick-wise since everyone... Born in the house without a broomstick. Dang it. Yikes. Oh, boy.

Those were tough days. I'm going to regret some things that I said today. No. This is the funny point. We had the high drug. Now maybe we hit a low and we go down. No, this is all up on this episode. Let's go to a caller.

It's your history teacher. I had sex with a teacher in film school, but that's old news. That's a legendary story. Oh, yeah, it was hot. She was probably 47. I was 21, 22. Do you still talk to her? We're still friends.

Not friends. How did it go down? How did you guys hook up? It's a long story, and I've told it before, but i'll give you the quickie i had lived in her i lived in crown heights i had no hot water so i was just kept putting off the showers in the middle of winter it was too cold so eventually i smelled horrible and i was at this film school like going around going can i shower your your apartment your dorm whatever you got and everybody's kind of like i I don't know, maybe I'm busy. And then she got wind of it. And she was like, you can shower my house.

And I was like, okay. Oh, my God. But she goes, she was quirky, too. She had, like, weird earrings and polka dot dress and beehive hairdo. Were you attracted to her at that point? A little, but I still would, like, put her off. You really were just in it for the shower. Yeah, I just wanted that shower.

I was trying to be, I was a student, you know? This is very pornographic. It was so porny right it's such a porn plot like who really starts it off like it's an innocent show or all of a sudden i'm inside of her 100 innocent and here's the crazy part i go to her house and she's got a dinner dinner bubbling on the stove eight plates eight pots go on the whole dinner table is like place settings and candles and glasses and bowls and whatever and i was like oh my god she goes i'm having a dinner party.

They're coming at 8. And it's like 6 o'clock now. So just shower and get out. I said, you got it. I don't want to be in your way. I shower. I get out. I got the towel on my head, you know.

I love that you wear a towel on your head. I got curlers in, you know. I'm picturing Mark. Please, somebody draw a picture of Mark. I think that's artwork we all need. So she goes, have a glass of wine. I go, all right, I'll have a glass of wine, then I'll get out of your hair. And she goes, yeah.

Then I had another glass and another glass. And I'm like, wow, it's like 745. I should get out of here. You're going to have a party in 15 minutes. She goes, yeah, I have one more glass. So we get hammered. Wait, how old were you? 22, something like that.

Okay, perfect. No one shows up. And we ended up making out. And then we had sex all night. And then I went back to school the next day. So there was no dinner party. I guess not. But she set this whole thing up.

She had food. I ate her food. Did you ever ask her or follow up on where the people were? The sex was so hot and fiery and passionate that I didn't even think about the food. Did you ever? I mean, here's the two ways to look at it either she did that as like a backup in case she didn't want that's what it was like oh i is to get you out or she is that crazy or no one showed up and i was like like her

consolation prize no way i don't know but she had a lot of food cooking what do you think i think that she wanted to fuck you the whole time really Really? I think so. There's no way. I think women usually know, right? It's too much to plan. But why would you make all that food? What kind of food? Did you eat it? I ate it.

You're not thinking properly about the amount of food. I mean, like, I'm sure it was just some food. Yeah, like, how much was the actual amount? It was probably like two pots of food, like spaghetti, spaghetti sauce, and a side. And she probably thought that she would feed you after you fucked her. But she didn't want to make it seem like she was trying so hard. So she was like, I'll cook up some food. You never asked where is everybody? I think I kept saying, I got to get out of here.

I got to get out of here. I don't want to be in the way. But how did she first come on to you? She gave me the glass of wine. And I had one before the shower. And I was 22. I wasn't like a wine guy. Did you already start to think in the shower, maybe was 22 i wasn't like a wine guy did you

already start to think in the shower like maybe she's attracted to me i was so not uncomfortable i was so like oh she's an adult i'm a child this is not a thing she would never be attracted to me i'm surprised when all my age during the first glass of wine i was like man i'm getting like a vibe here but i kept squashing it in my head i was like that's this crazy and i remember being in the shower going like man this is something she took off all her like polka dot kimonos and all her stuff like then was she hot hot body she had red hair she was super sexy dirty talk oh yeah she was a filthy filthy whore you remember anything she said i do i remember what she said well the the first line out of her mouth was, we were standing on her couch.

She was showing me paintings around her house. And I was like, oh, this is pretty. And she's like, oh, come up here. And we're standing on her couch. And we're both like, you're me, I'm her. And she's like, this one is from 1941. And we catch eyes. And she goes, I want you to come on my face.

And I was like. Wow. Oh, my stars. Yeah. Oh, my dear. So at that point, I was like, oh my stars yeah oh my dear so at that point i was like i think i'm in you came into face and you came to her class yes what a story was a screenwriting teacher and then afterwards how did you guys close things out it's always a tough like i slept over and i went to school whoa you slept over yeah and she was like? Oh, yeah. And did you re-fuck in the morning?

I didn't because the bell rang and I had to get my homework done and catch the bus. This is when the Saved by the Bell theme should play. You were 22. He's saying this like he had to get a yellow school bus. Well, we decided to be at school at nine or whatever, but... Yeah, it's the college year, Saved by the Bell. Also, I don't want to get too graphic here. Please.

As I get more graphic. As you dip your nose into it like it's a taco. Hey, hey, folks. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by sheath. This is all I wear now. I bet I'm wearing them right now. I'm not even going to... I'm not, but I usually am.

I am, but there's no logo. Oh, there it is. Sheath, baby. If sticky balls is your thing and your dick is stuck to your leg, isn't your thing, it's time to try Sheath. The underwear features two pouches, one for your dick,

one for your crown jewels to keep things separated. Cool and breezy, it comes in tons of awesome patterns to help you look and feel great. It's all I wear. I throw out all my other ones. I'm all sheath all the way.

They don't rip either, which is good. I feel like all my underwear turns into Swiss cheese eventually. It's good underwear. Yeah. Yeah. They last. They look good. Ladies, I feel like, like them.

They love them. They're tight in the right areas, not in the wrong areas. Whether you get to show them off to someone or just know in your heart that you're wearing Raptor, red boxer brief designed by Donald Cowboy Cerrone. Wow, you're winning either way. For the ladies, check out Sheath Sports Bras, bikini briefs, and boys shorts. Everything is lightweight, breathable, and ready for the summer heat. Go to SheathUnderwear.com and use promo code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order.

Plus, Sheath's underwear, 100% money back guarantee. That's SheathUnderwear.com, promo code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order, plus Sheetz underwear, 100% money-back guarantee. That's SheetzUnderwear.com, promo code DRUNK. Get Sheetz underwear, support the show, and support your balls. Thank you. Going cold turkey to quit a bad habit can send your brain into panic mode. Why not just make things easy on yourself? Just remove the bad from your habit with Fume. It's the innovative, award-nominated

device that can help you replace your bad habit. No electronics. Fume is completely natural. No vapor and harmful chemicals. Fume uses air and all-natural delicious flavors. You like this stuff, right, Mark? Oh, yeah. Fume, it tastes good. It feels good.

Good airflow. I'm a fan get on it nice to hold feels good in your hand yeah it's an adjustable airflow dial and movable parts and magnets for fidgeting it helps reduce stress and anxiety while you break your habit stopping is something we all put off because it's hard but switching to fume is easy enjoyable and even fun fume has served over a hundred thousand customers and has thousands of success stories and there's no reason that can't be you join fume and accelerating humanity's breakup from destructive habits by picking up the journey pack today head to fume.com and use code drunk to save 10 off when you get the journey pack today that's try fume.com f-u-m try f-u-m.com and use code drunk to save an

additional 10 off on your order today get some fume yes but uh she was uh you know what oh my god menstruating oh so it was a crime scene. But it didn't slow me down. You're like David Caruso. Yes, yes, exactly. I was a blood, not a crib. This is getting more and more fascinating. Yeah, and so it was a mess. So I went back to school without showering,

so I was now a different kind of filthy. But I was fine with it. It's a better stink to walk around with. Yeah. Stink of being a man. Yeah. and my guess is that you told everyone oh you i wrote a school uh screenplay about it if i know mark he was in like it was the morning announcement mark stands up with like a little speaker attention everyone she's like well i did it on a's show. This is not happening. Of course. So it's out there. Oh, yeah.

There's not much with you that isn't. It was all gravy, all in the up and up. It was a great time. Menstruating. That is hilarious. You know what I hate when guys will brag about going down on a woman when she's bleeding? People do that? Do they brag about it? You've never heard a guy be like, I don't give a shit.

I'll fucking do it when she's bleeding. I'm like, maybe you should give a little shit. Do they brag about it? You've never heard a guy do it? We were like, I don't give a shit. I'll fucking do it when she's bleeding. I'm like, maybe you should give a little shit. Do they brag about it to other men? I would think that would be the way they would try to, like, I didn't think that was, like, something that guys brag about together. Do you guys brag about, like, how well you go down on girls? No. It's not well.

Just we're up for anything. Right, right, right. Interesting. I didn't know that was, like, a, yeah. I had a guy once tell me that he was, like, a real oral magician. Like, he's just a comedian that was like talking about how. Keith Robinson. He's like, oh, apparently.

You pulled a card out of your vagina? Like, eh? Ace of spades? He's got the ribbon. He always brings it up when we're like, hey, yeah. He's like, apparently I do this thing that women like, eh, who knows? I'm like, well, we were not in any way talking about this. He's like, I guess I have a trick that dazz dazzles every woman in sight he's an older man well yeah

anyway i know who he is it is always funny when someone just volunteers this information like you're just having dinner talking about talking about the knicks game last night he goes if anyone needs their pussy and i'm kind of a master at that. Very good at eating vagina. I know. Everyone's talking about Ukraine and he's like, I guess I have a special trick that makes women cum three times in a row. Whatever you call it. Yeah, he always works it into

conversation. I just learned about the sucking is the move. Oh yeah, the top. Nikki Glaser taught me that. Nikki's talked about sex before? That's crazy. Nikki's given me some very important tips. Oh, yeah.

I always feel like Sandy from Grease when I'm talking to any of my other... I'm like, I have what down there? Well, I never thought I had a thing in there at all. Wait, there's two parts to it and other ways you can... No, I like... Tell me more, tell me more. Like, did he have a car the best line that's on this did he did she put up a fight what are you a rapist oh my god i forgot about that line that doesn't age well does she put up a fight oh yeah she put up a fight is

rough yeah how did that slither past us all well the whole the grease lightning song is pretty wild well i made a cream oh yeah i mean or whatever it's the whole thing is about how about that how about that new commercial with travolta and they're singing oh that's a fucking i haven't seen it i haven't seen it oh my god pull it up it's with the guys from scrubs it's a rough commercial he's a homosexual now i think he's come out the way you just said it no i, I think he's come out. The way you just said it. No, I don't think he did come out. I regret that I said that.

Oh, really? I figured he was out with the massage. Have you seen this commercial? Sting. Oh, this is brutal. This is brutal. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I just fell into, like, a low-grade depression. This is so irrelevant. How uninspired is this ad room? I know. It's like, let's butcher a fucking classic musical. Yeah. That one dumb jump in the middle is such a sadness to that little move. And these guys aren't even on TV.

The Scrubs was over 20 years ago. This is crazy. Well, they make stuff, I feel like. I guess so. But I mean, it's just a weird... Oh, if if i was travolta this would really bum me out olivia newton john is she's you know she's from the grave like i'm fucking glad i'm dead she got out easy but it was also very confusing yeah there's a lot a lot of questions yeah underrated hot lady i wouldn't have olivia newton john oh yeah who underrates her oh my god i feel like she doesn't get brought up as a hot... She's hot. She was stunning.

Yeah. Stunning. Stunning blonde. What was the music video, Let's Get Physical? Come on. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, man. My friend and I used to dance to that when we were little kids all around her.

She's kind of got an Alison Brie thing, but blonde. Yeah, there's an innocence to her. That's why it's so exciting when she puts the cigarette out in the end and she wears the black leather outfit. The leather was hot. It taps into the fact that we all want to corrupt a good girl. You got that right. We don't want an already bad girl.

We want a good girl to be bad. Yes. You want a nice, clean as a whistle girl that you can turn into a cuddling. Look at that. That's not her. Daughter. That's not her. Oh, that's her daughter.

Hachi machi. If I wasn't gay. Holy hell hell Hold on The last scene She wears this like Black leather outfit Yeah super hot In which she puts out

Like a cigarette And she's She just has the Tiniest arm And I want I just used to look At that arm And be like

Your arms are never Going to be like that Just let it go You're going to have A kind of arm I remember mentioning That to my brother once That if I only had

This kind of arms And him saying I don't know if he was Trying to make me feel better My brother being like arms aren't a thing like guys don't really talk about the size of woman's love a small arm We have a small dainty wrist. Yeah, I love a clavicle to good clavicle on a lady. That's good What I would do for a good arm, oh, yeah You know like look at how I mean

Yeah She was just stunning and then she had that little she put the cigarette out and i always thought that was a cool way to quit a job put a cigarette out and like stomp on it like i'm leaving here trying from the usa yeah that was like a hot scene when she showed up it It never really works like that, though, does it? When you show up at a party where a guy doesn't think you're going to be. Yeah, they're like, oh, you and you're hot. Right.

That's why it's such a badass scene. I know. I remember Keith used to have some girls come in the stand Christmas party and you tell her to go back to the car. And I was like, you think that you're that level of man that you can tell a woman to wait for you in a car? Wow. Nah, nah to go back to the car and I was like you think that you're that level of man that you can tell a woman to wait for you in a car wow nah nah go back to the car and I'm like how long has she been out there what's the point of that I don't get

that I guess it's a power move but I don't understand I don't know if she was his ride or what this was pre-stroke so don't feel sorry this was way before his stroke he still does this with the stroke yes he always makes somebody wait in the car that's like what your dad does This is way before his stroke. He still does this with his stroke. Yes, he always makes somebody wait in the car. That's like what your dad does when he has a gambling addiction. You snap your fingers, the car zips around, picks you up. It's not even like a good car.

It's like a Subaru. Yeah, that's what you do if you have a hot car. Make somebody pull it up. Subarus are pretty nice, actually. I don't do that with a Ford Taurus. I mean, it's all right, but it's not like a snap your fingers and go get my Subaru, bitch. And then get some head in a Subaru.

It's not like a story. You couldn't be like, I was getting head in a Subaru. She sucked me. I sucked off a dude in a Subaru. That's not an empowering story. I fucked her in this grocery getter. No, it doesn't really.

I got roadhead in a Toyota Camry. Cloth seats. Have you guys had sex in a lot of strange locations? Sure. Movie theater. Monsters, Inc. Wow. Yeah, Pixar, baby.

Like Monsters Stink. You fucked in the movie theater? Yeah, she got on top. That's a kid's movie. What the hell is wrong with you Well I was She was a kid No

Yeah on top Watching the movie We're the only people In the theater Back row Watching Billy Crystal I fucked in all kinds Of weird places

Monsters Inc Toy Story 4 Minions What else A lot of cars I don't know A lot of cars. I don't know. A lot of roofs.

I like a controlled environment. Yeah. I don't want to fuck outside either. I don't want to go camping. If you found me in the woods, something's gone terribly awry. I have no desire to camp. Yeah, outdoors is not hot. Yeah. Especially for New Yorkers.

Yeah, it's not a good look. Mosquitoes is a good point. It's like you wake up and your back is just bitten. Yeah, that's bad. good look. Mosquitoes is a good point. Yeah, that's bad. I'm not into camping. No, camping sucks. Jews aren't really known for our bravery, are we? We're not campers. No, we're not campers.

I want a hotel room and air conditioning. Agreed. Also, I feel like we have enough of crazy, our lives are crazy enough that we don't need to set up a possible risk. No, no. We don't need to set up stakes. Our lives are kind of annoying and crazy. Yeah, New York's intense enough. We're good.

I don't even like hiking. Everybody goes on hikes in LA. I'm like, fuck hikes. I know. The coyotes and shit? Yeah. There's always one that like- Never cared for a hike?

No hike. Never cared for a hike. I'll sit by a pool. I love a pool and I love a beach, but I've always felt guilty for not wanting to hike. Don't care for a hike and don't care for a fucking? No hike. I'll sit by a pool. I love a pool and I love a beach, but I've always felt guilty for not wanting to hike. Don't care for a hike and don't care for a fucking museum. I always feel sorry for the things inside the museum. There's some cool museums. I'm aggressively bored

in every museum. I feel sorry for if there's interesting things, why do I have to see them in a sterile place? They should be in a more fun-loving environment. That's a good point. I'd put them in a party or something. Right. I've only pretended to look at things in a museum. And that's a lot of work to go, oh, a naked lady, bowl of fruit, get out of town. What is that?

The Renaissance era? Impressionist? Yeah, it's all fake. You too? You're not into museums? Not really, but I went to the Pez Museum, and it was awesome. Because it's Pez. I can get behind it a little bit.

There's a whole museum for Pez? Oh, yeah. What's going on? Well, they got all the Pez. I can get behind it a little bit. There's a whole museum for Pez? Oh, yeah. What's going on? Well, they got all the Pez through the years. It's when they started in the 30s, and there's collectors, and it's fun. There's some cool museums. I mean, there's the one in Madison's really cool, the military one. Oh, yeah.

Then there's the Warhol one in Pittsburgh's really cool. Oh, actually, that I would enjoy. I went to the Johnny Cash Museum. Yeah, there's a lot of cool museums. Okay, if it's really interesting subject matter, maybe, or if you can go inside of people's houses. I like to go through people's stuff. Like Mark Twain's house or something?

If there's one of those museums where there's a room you can go inside or you could see the room the way it was at that time, I like to go through people's drawers. So if there's any way that I could shoplift it. That's a great idea for a museum. Yes. Anything. I remember there was an exhibit that my mom told me about

where you could like go inside of a house and I'm like yeah can you take stuff like that's all I want we went to my friend Heather's house and we like went through

all her mom's stuff and um it'd be great if you're just robbing houses I was just like robbing this is an exhibit like this is this is someone's home

I don't know I actually did do that once I went to my girlfriend's house when we were little kids and she lived on the street and I wanted her white communion dress and I wanted that fucking dress. I wanted a communion. I wanted to be able to eat that little Jesus snack.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Day. And I went there with a fucking plan. I hung out there a few hours. We made some fucking small talk. And then she told me that I could borrow her little ukulele toy and I stuffed that fucking dress in there.

Oh, I put it on. I just kind fucking dress in there and I ran like hell down the block and I put it on and I just kind of looked in the mirror like I'm Christian now. Oh my God. Christ loves me very, very much. I'm with you. My friend used to go to church when I would sleep over his house

and I wasn't religious, so they let me sleep in and I just go through the whole house, you know, jerking off in here, looking at the mom stuff, looking at dad stuff, drawers open, closet. Jerking off to a picture of his mom? Oh, yeah.

Hell yeah, dude. Really? Yeah, yeah. She was a hot Belgian lady. And I had the whole house to myself. I was eating candy. I was jumping on the bed. I was Kevin McAllister.

I'm still like that when my husband leaves. It's like, yeah, it's just like one of those 80s movies where everybody goes away and I'm like, it's time to party now. You slide it on your socks like Tom Cruise. Yeah. I'm like doing dances. Whenever I find out he's working a 12-hour shift instead of a 24, I'm like, fuck! Put the coke in a drawer! Sometimes I go home, I just start jacking off.

I'm like, oh, I live alone. I can do this whenever I want. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah, I definitely feel like, I don't know, there was something about Christian Girl stuff that especially, and I feel like if I, I would have the same thing as a friend of mine and my thing would get foul so quickly. And I used to think like, you know, I just want her, her things.

I would hit the same thing even, and it wouldn't work. You can get that bitch's thing and then you're still going to want to be that bitch. You don't want it now because it's yours. Right. You know what I'm saying? Right. I wanted everything my friend Kristen Pazek had and

she was like a child model and so she had all her children modeling pictures up and there was this one picture with the skateboard a lot of those kids don't age well though John Bonet she looks horrible these days have you seen her? she's a little jacked up she's a little bloated am i right i would not hit that i would not i'm a little suck it in not my type no yeah i mean i

just wanted to be that i wanted that whole kind of yeah like that whole look and then i would just she had like these like a pair of skates and she would put them on top of her shoulder like this. And it was like this modeling shot that she had. And it was also fake modeling school because you could send your kids to a school if you're rich enough. And her dad was like a minor league baseball player or something, or a major league baseball player.

I mean, not minor. And I think that you could send your kids to a school and they could pretend to be a model basically at that school and get like modeling style shots but i didn't know all this i thought she was a model right and yeah and i just would try to recreate her modeling shots and just put on her clothes and it was really some weird silence of the lambs kind of did she get creeped out like easy rage you're you're kind of like suffocating me here i've talked about this on stage so i don't want to get too into it but i uh we used to like like make out with each other

and stuff and play like one was the girl and one was the boy and it was her idea I got blamed for it but it was her idea and of course the dirty Jews idea to play the humping game I think a lot of kids played things like that I did that too yeah I think it's pretty common but she would talk to me first about Christianity

before we would make that was the part that was a little strange like she had a cross and a few catholic like scriptures and we would go like in our nightlight and we would have this sort of serious christian conversation before we um that's heavy she'd tell you you need to find jesus and you'd be like shut up and eat my muff all right i do think it's pretty common shut up and eat my. That's a t-shirt. I feel like kids around that age always do some weird shit. Sure, sure. You're finding yourself. We used to jerk off in the same room, all the guys.

Yeah, just kind of far away from each other. Eh, you know, an inch. No, but we would do a thing where one time we all finished and I go, I dare you to taste it. And my friend tasted it and we made fun of him for about an hour. That's it? Yeah, you know you to taste it. And my friend tasted it, and we made fun of him for about an hour. That's it? Yeah, you know. It wasn't bad, but we watched the Pam and Tommy video and really went to town. Really?

Oh, yeah. It's so funny. You would jerk off to anything when you were young. I mean, it didn't take much. No. You were so innocent. I know. You had cleavage.

You'd come to cleavage. Sure. It's a simpler time. Yeah, Victoria's Secret catalog, huh? Oh, yeah. Baby oil. Woo. That was a party. Lubriderm. you'd come to cleavage sure it's a simpler time yeah victoria's secret catalog huh oh yeah baby oil that was a party yeah those poor socks yeah they were crunchy i feel like guys need like a time limit on their beating off too like you need like a hard out because otherwise you'll just do it all day like that's just my guess but i feel like it's kind of like a play date, like a beginning and an end time.

Yeah. It's like screen time. If you let a guy do it all day. They go hand in hand. You're talking to your penis. You're like, you better hurry up. I have a hard out in 20. Right.

Right. Yeah. Because the road is not good for like comics. I feel like you just lay straight and just. And now you had a phone with porn on it. It's over. The good thing about the tour bus is I jack off so much less. Oh, yeah, and you've got to be quick.

Can we play some soft piano music? I'm like, Gary, turn around. I'm rubbing one out. Oh, you've got the cot. Or what do you got? The bunk. But I haven't. Come on.

I haven't. I did the bunk. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, you told me this. Why? Why? You know, duty calls or whatever. You're going to listen to burt kreischer screaming you're just like shut up i had i had one headphone in

but you see i'm shirtless enough you're like all right listening to cigar in the other headphone yeah yeah you know how about when you're home visiting your family depends on how many days yeah can only make it so long yeah damn do you go home a lot i would do anything to just watch mark at home oh just one day to try to get to the bottom of mark and just to really it's not pretty it's out it's very quiet my house is my parents like a dark house they read a lot yes they ask horrible questions they don't care about the answer it's like a museum there's a lot of weird art. So it's very pleasant. No. Pleasantries.

I wouldn't say pleasant. But pleasantries. Yeah. But it's very serious in my home. Yes. And very quiet. Yes. I've had dinners with people like that where I'm like, see, at our dinners, we have these very, there's no lulls at our dinners.

Oh, I'm all lull. I would kill for no lull. I'm sitting there i got my lady and it's fun to expose her to it because she's like this is fucking weird i'm like yes yes thank you so they don't like start a new topic no no it's just a lot of yeah because i was dating a guy once and i felt like whenever we went to his family's house it was like it was like nobody really wanted to talk at dinner like there was just these long silences in between things. And then I would try to say interesting shit to shake it up.

Yeah, I'd try to do that. Even just in lives, I'd be like, oh, yeah, I just played Dan Frank in a row. Trying to get attention. And they were like, no follow-up questions about that. Never about my family. You're just at the table like, I think Epstein's innocent. Yeah, you could throw anything out there just to get a bite. Yeah, see, in in my mind when you get

together over dinner or something like my instinct is to want to connect so i whenever i go out with people like that i always have to like make a pack with myself like don't overshare you don't need to tell them everything that's ever happening to you happen to you true in order to try to connect to them and it also doesn't work because how do you say that crazy ass shit that you did not need to tell this person who's not particularly intrigued by you in the first place you don't need to be like I guess I finally forgave my father you know they don't want to know then it's just another lull

after that yes and it's a weirder lull it's an awkward lull when you're sitting down with someone who gives nothing in conversation when they just give you like two word answers that's my mom how's work it's going well. That's it?

I know. Elaborate. William, I'm dying here. Share something. Tell me something. But what my mom will do is throw out the saddest thing on the planet. Like she'll be like, it'll be quiet for eight minutes. And she's like, you know, Reginald died.

And you're like, ah, is that right? Reginald died. How'd he die? Mmm, cancer. He was battling it for a while. That's all my mom talks about. And we're back. Yeah. I have a joke about it.

We call it pain chambering because we always get caught in this pain chamber because she wants to tell us dark stories about people we don't know. Yes. And the weird thing is, Pete, she can't pain chamber my husband because he's like a repressed Catholic fireman. I'm like, you're not going to pain chamber him. It's impossible. His whole life is about not confronting or dealing with anything emotional.

And she has like one leg up and just really sasses out and tries to tell him dark information. And she'll be like, guess who has COVID-19? I'm like, no one says the 19. No one. No one says the 19. And she doesn't want you to say that something could be okay. She doesn't care for that. Oh, yeah.

Those are fun. I'm like, I'm sure he'll be fine. I don't think so exactly he's immunocompromised right she's like yeah she loves the term immunocompromised oh yeah my mom's the same way they love immunocompromised what is that like he can't get well she's like saying that he's got some problem with his immune system i see yeah that's hilarious it's just suggesting that things won't be okay there's a gloominess that appeals to them i think ah yeah like i was fast asleep once in high school completely fast asleep

i just heard the door creak and my mom was like sweetheart that love and i'm like yeah what and she goes that lovely lady the one you watch in the show in the in the soap opera she's died and her husband killed her like she couldn't wait until I woke up to tell me that. She was so excited that at five in the morning, she's like, the perky blonde one, she's dead. Had to tell me. Have you ever heard Damien Lemon's joke about this? It's such a great joke about people who love telling you people died. No.

They get off on it. The friend, it was when Michael Jackson died. He goes, yo, yo, Michael Jackson's dead. And's dead and they're like what he goes you heard it here first that's funny they want to give you the scoop yeah they're the people that have like a whole album on their phone of just them and every person that might die soon right then you get the people that are even better the other people you ever get the friend who tells you like a week later a week after james g Gandolfini died, he's like,

dude, Tony Soprano's dead. I'm like, we heard. Yeah, yeah. Are you kidding me? Where are you getting your news? The fucking Week Lake Gazette?

Right, right. I get that. Gary Veeder does that all the time and I don't know if it's because he has kids or he just lays his... He'll send me like a sports highlight

from like five days ago. I'm like, yeah, that one made the rounds, dude. Yeah, that's not a thing. Everyone's seen that one. Yeah, yeah. My mom came to stay with me once I was doing this college and we were gonna like have

like a girl's mom and daughter night we're about to go to sleep and i could tell she wants to tell me something dark she wants something fucking dark and upsetting but we got through the night i'm like we did pretty well i'm like we're laying there in darkness my mom goes sweetheart do you remember my friend Daphne? I'm like, that's not even a name. No one's name is Daphne. She's like, well, honey, she's bipolar. I'm like, she couldn't wait.

She couldn't fucking wait. She just had to tell me some personal, and there's just no need. I'm like, I'm sorry to hear that, mom. She's like, well, she's acting out sexually. I'm like,'m sorry to hear that mom she's like well she's acting out sexually I'm like why are we they're like TMZ for bad shit you know they love it boom boom she's got herpes and I just started laughing and I'm like no way she drove her like Hebrew school car like carpool I had no idea she was like a godless whore and my mom's like honey it's not funny sweetheart it's part of the disorder.

And she acts out and we're afraid she's going to get an STD. And I'm like, so you're telling me that Daphne is like just never met a dick she doesn't like. You want me not to crack one joke? And then she gets mad. And then she goes into the wounded kind of movie. Yeah, like we can't talk about this. And I'm like, well, I've got press at seven. Well, you heard it here first, guys.

The name's Daphne. It's a very particular name. There's probably only a couple. Look up Instagram. She's never met a dick she doesn't like. Give it a search. There you go. And it was like very much.

My mom also bring up old stuff that already happened. I think she runs out of new shit, you know? Yes, yes. Like one of my friend's dad killed himself we were in high school and then so somebody will die and she'll be like and then you remember scott's dad killed himself yes we know that what do we say yeah you're right way to bring it back yeah you're only supposed to do that with funny shit yeah you don't watch reruns of fucking tragedies i know well where do you where do you go from here? What do we say? One of my mom's favorite stories is about somebody who went to a hot air balloon and

it didn't, like that balloon popped or something. Oh boy. It just fell back down. And I'm like, that's not even a good story. Forget the fatality part. It's not even a good tale. Not much happens in it. Yeah.

Yeah. She loves to round back to that hot air balloon whenever she can. She gets very jazzed up about that. And then you start wondering when bad shit happens. Are they like, yes, I have some material. I got some new shit now. They don't celebrate, but a part of them inside gets excited. I think so.

It's like a little dopamine rush. Not to say that we're not like that a little bit, but we're in it for the jokes at least. Yeah. And our gossip's a little lighter, you know? It's like, Ari Shafir got punched in the face. We're like, ooh, that's something. And it's a fun little Knives it's like uh ari shafir got punched in the face we're like oh and it's a fun little knives out mystery it could be anyone yeah probably it could be anybody got that oh there you go take a swig so when are you filming your next special rachel do you know

yet or not yet no i'm waiting for your new hours fucking great oh boy i heard webb might be doing it it's really really great thank you i can't wait for people to see it thanks you guys i probably think it's your best i think it's your best uh stuff oh boy yeah thank you you just told me that women shouldn't do comedy i know and that's how funny i think it is i think you should be allowed to do this special i think others shouldn't be allowed to but i think uh what you're doing is really good. So you didn't mean it when you said that I should stay in bed with the covers over my face? I think after this special you should, but for this one you should release it because it's really good. There you go.

No, thank you, Sammy. Sammy Murill. Hey. Hey, clips. To a new beginning. There we go. To women in comedy. Hey.

To a new beginning. So where are you shooting it? No, I'm actually, when I look at my phone, it's because I'm trying to remember the things that my pet peeves. Oh, okay. We'll take some peeves. Oh, I've got some. I'll give you some. Do you have one?

I texted myself a few. No, no, no, no. You can do Sam's first, because I texted myself a few, and that's what I was looking at, just so you know. Oh, I got one. I don't know if we've done this one on this on this before but uh annoying wi-fi passwords oh like like good one here's like i'll be in a green room and i'll be like what's the password they're like it's olive but instead of uh oh it's a zero and instead of i it's an exclamation point i'm like jesus

fucking crazy v is capital and there's a number at the end. And then it's Olive at, but it's A at, as in, you know, with the circle, but then the letter T. And I'm like, none of this makes fucking sense. And it better not come

with a story either. But I'm like, my dog did this one thing when we were on vacation. Fuck off. Yeah, right. I'm trying to check my email, bitch. Yeah.

And I get wrapped into a dog story. It stinks. Yeah. So that's that's a peeve I had oh another one

I had someone say something shitty to me and I and I was like I kind of said oh that wasn't cool and he goes

well I didn't mean to bum you out and I was like no you say I said a shitty thing don't put it on me that's a yeah no no

that I hate that's good that's gaslighting another good one when they say something shitty you say I didn't care for that. And then they go, didn't mean to bum you.

No, you said something shitty is what you did. And you probably did, in fact, mean to bum me. You just didn't mean for me to call you on it. Yes. Good point. Yeah, damn. Boy, years of therapy right here. Juice, juice, juice, juice, juice, juice, juice, juice, juice.

I'll tell you too much, the Gestapo is going to come in here. Keith started saying that right after like all, there was like a bunch of anti-Semitic things that happened in a row, like Kanye and then every time Keith would see me, he would just be like, the Jews will not replace. It's so stupid. That's fun. That's a funny thing to chant. That's fun. That's a funny thing to chant.

That's a hilarious thing to say out loud. As a joke. That's what it goes to show you that it's just, it's like, you need your fucking friends to say the dumb shit. Keith is so good at ball, but we were just talking about it with jim norton how keith is so fucking good at making fun of people yes yeah and i feel like keith is like he'll say something that would never even have occurred to you like he is that he is the he infuriates me and i don't like to promote him in any way but he is nobody is one of the funniest people i've ever met and he told me that whenever his mother

that his mom would always get annoyed with him with his dumb questions and he'd have dumb questions as a kid and he said whenever he would come up to his mom this always stuck in my head then whenever he would come up to his mom with a question she didn't care for she'd be like boy you make my butt itch wow you'd be like with questions, you're making my butt itch. These are dumb questions. There was like a time where it's like now we're so hyper-focused on kids. Like anything my daughter says, I'm like, let me stop and honor this and hold it up in the light and make sure she feels heard and seen. And it used to be like my friend Dave Juska, he said he would watch a whole movie with his dad. And before he watched the movie, the dad would say to him, don't you dare ask me one fucking question in this movie like now i wait for my daughter's

questions like oh what's she gonna be right and he said apparently he was watching some mash movie it's so evil that it's hilarious he was watching some movie about mash or some i don't know i guess there was a film a mash film there was a film with elliot yeah yeah so he was watching that what is it called by the way mash mash okay the tv show is based on the Yeah. So he was watching that. Robert Altman. What is it called, by the way? MASH. MASH, okay. The TV show is based on the movie. Yeah, so he was... Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah. Elliot Gould, badass Jew. Yeah, you're teaching us a lot of things today. Great movie.

Can we get Elliot Gould on here? I like movies. Does Elliot Gould have social media? Get Elliot Gould on We Might Be Drunk. Who? No, Elliot Gould. Damn. Who's that? It's a singer. Oh. Elliot Gould damn who's that it's a singer oh Elliot Gould she thought I was saying Ellie Goulding it is a similar name that was a fair guess that was yeah Elliot Gould yes he was in MASH yeah he's the sexy guy he's a cool yes yes yes he's appealing yeah so apparently he was

watching the MASH movie and he was told just one thing I he's appealing yeah so apparently he was watching the mash movie and he was told just one thing i just think it's so funny what like assholes men were allowed to be oh yeah can you imagine just not wanting to hear one innocent question from your what kind of an absurd asshole do you have to be and then he just said apparently there was some part of the movie where they were using nets in some way and he goes dad like he just wanted to know what they use the nets for and he's like dad what do they use the nets for. And he's like, Dad, what do they use those nets? He's like, God, the fucking God damn it. And he just like threw him across the room.

He's like, but the nets, what are those? Oh, for fuck's sake. I told you my dad would do a thing where if I was bothering him during TV, I'd be like, Dad, it's cool. And he would go and point to the TV, like, focus on that and leave me alone. And I was like, okay, point taken. My dad would never,

whenever we'd watch a movie as a family, he would never be awake. This is if every movie we'd watch, two minutes in, he'd be like, oh, cool. And then we'd just look over and be like this. No, no, just snoring. That was like a guy of a different era type thing oh yeah

dads now have more energy but my dad just was a workaholic my grandpa was that way too he'd be like let's watch the Yankees game I'd be sitting on his lap two innings in I'd look up he'd just be like this his mouth open sleeping my dad also aggressively naps everywhere but I don't remember working hard I feel like he's always just like

refreshing himself from nothing at all my dad couldn't sleep he was always like i can't get comfortable and he would like jitter and move around all day and like move pillows he's like god i can't relax i just can't relax would he talk about it like he would never would he talk about his anxiety that's interesting not really but he would just always be fidgeting and like laying on the floor he's like give me another pillow i just can't relax relax. Wait, what are you trying to sleep in the middle of the living room? Why would the family be involved? It wasn't sleeping. Like he would just try to like

get a pillow on the floor and watch the movie with us. Well, that's the funny thing. My dad is the most particular sleeper on the planet, but then, you know,

but he would fall asleep anywhere. But then you see his bed. He's got like a reflux pillow. I'm the same way. I have like, I have like, I had a woman sleep over. She's like,

you have like 12 pillows. And I'm like, and she's like, and none of them were like decorative. They're all like actual pillows. Oh, really? Yeah. I have a I have like I had a woman sleep over. She's like, you have like 12 pillows. And I'm like, and she's like, and none of them are like decorative. They're all like actual pillows. Oh, really? Yeah. I have a lot of like, you know, like different medical things.

Like K-Pac latex, that type of thing. Oh, yeah. I love them. I love those good pillows. A lot of respiratory pillows. That's always a good. I got that sweet hospital bed. Oh, yeah, that's true.

You got the nice retractable. I turn myself into a little taco. Yeah. Get the legs up. Oh, yeah, that's true. You got the nice retractable. I turned myself into a little taco. You get the legs up. Oh, it's great. My dad slept bottomless. That was a treat to walk in on. Yeah, my dad also was often without pants or underwear. One time he told me and my friends to be quiet at a sleepover.

Fuck ass naked. No. Howie Feinstein. Just imagine. That's not good. They said, oh, you girls suck this dick. That's a crime he was like be quiet

he was just like dumb and spastic and wasn't aware he went down the hallway he was like be quiet but it was just

like horrifying Sarah Stern never came over again that was Sarah Stern's last sleepover which is what my memoir is going to be called

sleepover no but that was a rough night such a Jewish name I know so Howie Feinstein I mean that's just oh Sarah my memoir is going to be called. Sleepover. No, but that was a rough night. Such a Jewish name. I know. Howie Feinstein. I mean, that's just. Oh, Sarah Stern, I was going to say.

Oh, Sarah Stern, too. Yeah, it's not. How was the dad sneezing? My dad would sneeze. My dad sneezing was archaic. It was insane. Why is this noise necessary? It's ludicrous.

Achoo! Yes, every time. Achoo! Or when, like, the San Francisco Giants lost, my dad was like, Oh! Why? Could it mean any less to you? Like if the fucking San Francisco Giants, who could give a fuck? Even if you're a sports fan,

get upset. But this, like a sound that you could never have even invented. If you'd been mixing sounds like a perfume in a laboratory. Yeah, it's like an elephant and a T-Rex combined. I agree.

I think putting it all on the San Francisco Giants is stupid. The Knicks, on the other hand, if they don't win. The Knicks are doing pretty fucking well right now. The Knicks are fucking rolling. Who knows when this comes out, so we don't know if they'll still be doing well. But right now, they're fucking killing it. There you go.

But my brothers are always- And we met Jalen Brunson at that game. We met Jalen Brunson, and my brothers are freaking the fuck out. So we see Jalen Brunson at the game. It was at a Rangers game. With the Rangers game. And he was wearing, wasn't he wearing a Rangers jersey?

It was me, Liz, the manager of the cellar, Gary Veeder. And I see Jalen Brunson, a Rangers jersey. And the Knicks PR guy is there. And he's like, I think Brunson's coming. And he's like, just so you want to keep your eyes open. I'm like, yes, I'll keep my fucking eyes open. For point guard Jalen Brunson. So I'm obsessed with Brunson.

So we see him. We're in this little room with him. And I'm like, I'm going to go up to him. And Liz is giving me shit. She's like, I've never seen you look less cool in real life. I'm like blowing it. I'm like, thank you so much for coming to the Knicks. Like, you're making such a difference at point guard.

And Liz runs over and sees me fumbling it. And she goes, he's a comedian with a Netflix special and he's like oh cool I need something new to watch that's cool that she had your back I was like Sam was so cute he walked up like shake it was like a kid saying thank you for coming at his birthday party so anyway

thank you for having me I'm like wait this is Jalen Brunson like yeah he was just like I love him it was so cute like he looked like he was falling in slow love he's just turned the Knicks around he was fucking lovely at the game was he nice he was just like I love him it was so cute like he looked Like he was falling in slow love He's just turned the Knicks around he was fucking Lovely at the game was he nice wearing his jersey One of the nicest guys expression big fan He just sat there and softly

Tolerated Sam's like you know Anxiety whatever convulsing I was just I was Grateful I'm like dude you turn the team around I love you it was yeah yeah Kind of softly face rake him and then I Kissed him on the cheek and i was like i love you i want you inside me and he was like security uh the hard part is how do you get out of those you go like okay no yeah i took a picture with him and then oh you got a photo all right and i did too for no reason

but because i'd learned that he was the person i should take a photo with so i was just like some dumb twat you know right and And her brothers were bugging out because they're Jews who love basketball like me. Yeah, like Jews love basketball. We love basketball. It's everything that we're not. So my Jewish brothers, and I send them this. But also a lot of Jews grew up in urban environments.

So I think like if you grew up in a city environment. Right. But baseball too. Jews love baseball, it seems. I think basketball even more so. I think Jewish dads and dads of our generation, like our dads love baseball and get weirdly emotional over baseball so yes they love baseball too in sports

but there's a thing with jews and the nba like my brothers it's like everything they're not like you know these like nebushy jewish social worker and he it's like it's like everything he's never there was never a thing that he could have crunched the numbers in his own head and i could have ever been a part of this yes so it's so far away from us that they're completely obsessed and they get so jealous of me because sam takes me to these games they all love sam too but i just text them a picture of me and jaylen brunson my brother was like fuck you there's no way you appreciate this moment like they were so angry like you don't even understand what just happened to you yeah like they were like mad fun my brother was like

that was devastating for me that was the last straw of your life and i'm like jalen brunson i'll be honest if i saw you post that and i wasn't there i'd be like are you fucking kidding me yeah no it was we saw the rangers beat the penguins the rangers have been fucking hot too the new york great new york sports is it's back, baby. There you go. What about the Mets? I think I posted it on my stories. Slow start, but they'll get there. They lost their closure for the year.

You know, no, there's something about New York sports. I put it on my story with Jalen Brunson. I just put like Jalen Brunson on my dick. And I think somebody was like, yeah, I wouldn't I wouldn't leave that up. And I was like, that's fair. That was me. I was like, he's married. You shouldn't't post that get off my dick jalen brunson i'm such a moron why would i have needed to be told to not post that that's not bad you don't

have a dick it's jokes yeah that's what i thought no it's not really bad but he was very yeah he was very like cool but cool shit yeah and it was a fun a fun, I will say like, no, I don't know a thing about hockey. I'm very, you know, just generally attracted to every guy that plays hockey, but couldn't be less intrigued by the game. Oh really? But even live,

but no change my mind. I mean, I just didn't care. I like that kind of guy. I like, I like like sort of a thick neck sort of guy, but I guess, it's a weird combo,

like kind of graceful, but also a bad-ass. Cause you have to be graceful escape. And then you also have to kind of guy like like sort of a thick-necked sort of guy yeah it's a weird combo like kind of graceful but also a badass because you have to be graceful to escape and then you also have to kind of fight yeah i went to a game recently i went to a game like against the uh damn who they're playing tampa bay there were like six fights hockey's so funny because the rangers were up they were killing them it was six three i think and everyone's like the cheap shot's coming the cheap shot basically means a dude's just gonna sucker punch your team at the end of the it's insane that's just a sport where they're like oh we're winning but there's

gonna be another fight because this team loses like everything you teach kids not to do right there's literally a box where you put guys in for fighting yeah that's part of the game this is fascinating to me so hockey I'm just learning about this so hockey they fight every game there's like a fighting time. Pretty much, yeah.

It depends. It's fucking fascinating. It depends. But yeah, there's still fights. But there's usually just like an arranged fight, like let them fight, like animals, like true beasts. I think some guys on the team are goons and they're kind of like, I'm probably going to have to fight this dude tonight.

But sometimes I think it happens organically, like a dude hits you hard and you have to defend yourself. Yeah. But don't they have like a fighting section of a hockey game am i getting this wrong no there's a penalty box if you're punished for fighting you get to go i sound like such a dumb hole right now but isn't there a place that they put there's a party you fight inside of it hockey's fucking fun but i will say this fucking didn't know shit about hockey hockey but i was like that was so much fun that rangers

game yeah we got fun we were all the best yeah that might be it helps when you get loaded at these things you gotta have a couple beers yeah and you get into it you start cheering on it is a fun hang punch the glass i better not but thank you and the rangers won right i'm good thank you and they won by a couple points yeah they won they played like a really good game it's a fun hang i had a lot of fun it's a fun time hockey again you're not a big sports guy right i like live you're like live live is fun live is the best baseball basketball hockey you name it the game i was at last week uh f murray abraham was there whoa and you know every movie amadeus yeah everything white lotus what yeah he's in a he and his whole family are in rangers jerseys which i was like this is adorable they put the camera on him

i'm like i wonder what kind of ovation f murray gets at a hockey game yeah i know he's a big actor but i wonder dude the place explodes and not only they put the camera on him he's ready for it he's standing in his seat doing this to his jersey and i was like fucking f murray abraham this guy rules because he seems so intellectual it doesn't seem like he'd be a hockey guy well it's a great sport you know i'm just saying it doesn't seem like he'd be like a jersey hey look at this thing i know the other team i love their dicks it is fascinating that also that level of like die hard thing oh yeah like sam like we went to we went to the Writers Guild Award with Schumer's show, and Spike Lee was getting a Lifetime Achievement Award, and he stops in the middle of his acceptance speech to ask for the score of the Knicks.

Oh, that's pretty cool. And then says, fuck Boston. Hey, that's pretty great. He's like, and you know what? Fuck Boston. He's like, my wife, who's been there all up, but if I could just pause. And say, I was like, that's so's been there all up, but if I could just park. I was like, that's so fascinating to have that level of

like... Well, I went to a Knicks game once and it's just this row of killers. It was Andrew Yang, Spike Lee, Jon Stewart, and then Timothy Chalamet. Front row. I was like, this is amazing. Andrew Yang, maybe we remove him and get another... I don't like Yang. Yeah, we were talking like fucking Spike Lee,

Jon Stewart. We might not have led with Yang. Maybe we shouldn I don't like Yang. Yeah, but you're talking like fucking Spike Lee, Jon Stewart. He might not have led with Yang. He shouldn't have led with Yang. Who was there? Pete Buttigieg? Leonardo DiCaprio? Hunter Biden? He had a laptop open. Hunter Biden had his laptop. That would be a hilarious

courtside. I know. Hunter Biden's here tonight? He can't use a laptop anywhere now. No. He must be papped every time. He's at Starbucks. He's like, no, no, I need this. Hunter Biden, he's the dude at Starbucks.

Will you watch my laptop for a second? No, I won't. No, I will not. I will not watch your laptop. That's a bit. That's a bit. That's hilarious. Yeah, that definitely is.

Do you have any any peeves you know one thing that bugs me is um you know when somebody tells you something frames it as if it's kind of like a neither here nor there thing but it's like you're taking a dig so like i was visiting my girlfriend and she was like and um i asked her for some advil and she's like that's your thing right you're like a medicine taker. Oh, interesting. You're such a medicine taker. I'm like, what do you mean? Wait, how did this just happen?

Yeah, how did you zing me? And she is one of those people that like, she like will break a pill apart in like four pieces. You know what I mean? Like she's so nervous. I'm like, whatever it is, fucking slam it in my dog. I'd ask no questions. I'm like, two?

Fentanyl. How about four? Yeah. Yeah, right. I mean, it's Advil, you know, like whatever. She's like, oh, but this is just like i mean it's advil you know like whatever she's like oh but this is no this is your thing pill taker feeling better medicine you're just wow you're like a fat bitch that's who you are no i rob it's your thing you're like you know you're kind of like a you know a weird twat

you have fun with that and your friendships are based on that right right interesting wow it's amazing people can find any way to insult you know yeah and i think that she probably just has anxiety about taking medication um or something but i don't yeah i don't have anxiety about stuff like that i know yeah i don't care about like yeah an Advil, whatever. Who gives a shit? Yeah, that annoys me. Also, when somebody tries to take back their apology. Yeah, so my husband is really pretty. He's, like, well-known for that. Oh, yeah? Give me an example.

He'll, like, lose it. Like, you know, I mean, you know, he's a. He'll, like, get mad about some dumb ass shit you know what i mean like we were my daughter had a play date that was like on our way over my house was like just like screaming right before they like come in yeah can you maybe not like punch a wall like right before we have a kid coming yeah right you know and then later i'll be like can we just loop back around to that moment where you like lost your shit yeah the thing is i'm not anal you could have like some fucking twat wife

that wanted everything to be like this and like this and like this i'm not particularly hyper organized but when somebody's coming over i'm like oh we should probably like clean for a few minutes so pete will come back from the firehouse after being gone for like a 24 hour shift so it's like 24 hours i've been on my own with a toddler and i'm like hey we should organize stuff this girl's on her way over with her parents and pete will pick up a there's like a guitar on the floor he picks it up and starts playing it like i'm like don't take this moment to explore guitar like fuck off yeah we're cleaning away you know but i didn't even say that i was just like can we probably yeah it's like ah they're just like screaming yeah you can't scream like that right yes also he is probably the more organized one out of the two of us

like you yell at me about cleaning so just clean with me yeah yeah right explodes irrational yelling he's good at that in a minute later being like I feel better now I'm like yeah I bet you do yeah you do so then we have like a playdate and then afterwards I kind of loop back around to it he's like yeah yes I shouldn't have done that and then he always goes no need to worry i'm like that's not an apology no need to worry it's not also nothing it doesn't fall into the column of worrying i'm saying that you were a wild like ridiculous asshole unnecessary dick i don't think you need to put that in the column of like something that i'm concerned about right right you know like like covid when nobody needs to be as worried about it yeah he's like no need to worry but you won't catch it i'm sure you got your flu shot i'm like

no you were a dick can you just say you're sorry right so his sorry is i'm always he says i'm sorry hey no need to worry you feel better now right i'm like yeah i do but can you not do that yeah yeah and then later but he'll give me like a the exact apology that i want i have to like write it to him and like pass it over to him. He just signs his name at the bottom? He just signs his name at the bottom. He apologizes the way a kid writes in a yearbook. He's like, it all started, but things got out of hand.

We had a great summer. No need to worry. I'll see you next year. I'm like, no, none of that. Stay fresh, player. Stay fresh, class cloud. Yeah, so it's kind of like that. And then he'll sort of that. Stay fresh, player. Stay fresh, glass cloud. Yeah, so it's kind of like that. And then it'll sort of like softly take it away again.

I get it. I'm like, if you're going to apologize, apologize. Yes. And then don't loop back around. One time he was like, you know, sometimes I feel pressured into apologizing. I'm like, you can't be an inexplicable asshole. Say you're sorry and then be like, I felt a little forced to have empathy. I'm like, no, no, that's what would be called upon yes exactly i get you i was a little too energized about my peeve yeah mine is similar that's a good one mine is similar it's the guy who says don't

worry about it too much you know when you have a genuine question and he's like don't worry about it i'm like but i need to know. I did a club and I brought merch. And I was like, where should I set this up? He's like, don't worry about it. We'll get it going for you. And I'm like, yeah, but where do I go when I get off? I need to know where the merch is because I got to sell it. And he's like, don't worry about it. Relax.

Sit down. Sit down. And I'm like, well, just answer the question. He's like, easy, buddy. Easy. He's like an Italian guy. He's like, easy, big fella. Get yourself some pasta, a glass

of wine. It'll be fine. I'm like, I need to know where to go. Yeah, where do you actually go? Yeah, so now he's making me feel like some kind of neurotic weirdo. I'm like, I just need to get an answer and I'll get out of your hair. And he's like, yeah, have a beer. Chill out. The guy's a doctor. You're like, is this tumor growing? He's like,

I got you. He's like, don't. You're in your head about it. gotta relax you gotta learn to relax settle down i've been treated like that so much in my life yeah drives me crazy no i just need some actual answers yes yes do i take a right or a left of the south sign don't worry about it all right i'll just park here and google it and that really just translates to i'm lazy yes and i don't want to think about this right now. That's it. So instead, I will make you, I'll talk to you like you're crazy. Right, right. It's the same with a-

I'll talk to you like you're crazy. We'll figure it out. Hey, what time should Rachel come by? We'll figure it out. No, you're just lazy. You don't want to think about it for a second. It's so dismissive of your feelings. It's very dismissive.

Yes. Yes, we need to just arrange something. Yeah. We're trying to make an arrangement. Right. That's infuriating. Infuriating. And that happens to me quite a lot

yeah it's basically like calm down yeah yeah relax calm down don't get your panties in a bunch right yes you don't have to set up something on a table yeah it's almost like just being like shut up that's what it is shut the fuck up that's what he's really saying yeah shut up about this it's not something my mind wants to think about right right calm down is so oh my god calm down is tough yeah that's a bad one that is nothing there's nothing that you want to do less than calm down i know he says that to you and now you're worked up ironically yeah yes exactly how about you sammy oh no i told you the the oh sorry the guy in the wi-fi i'm like and now i'll be the host for a minute i got i got one more wreck though i gotta i don't know if I did it because I wrecked the De Palma one recently.

I've been watching a lot of movies. I got cable again, so I just was watching The Untouchables on TV. Oh, that's a great opening scene. It's amazing. Oh, my God. This fucking shootout scene. Yeah. That's two De Palmas, by the way, you wrecked.

I know. I know. I don't think I've ever seen The Untouchables. It's pretty cool. Yeah. It's Kevin Costner, Sean Connery, Danny Garcia, De Niro's Capone. And it's not one of those movies where men are looking at maps a lot. I don't like movies.

No map. Any movie where there's like four men huddled around a spread out map, I'm like, no. It's just a bad ass movie. Okay. It's just like, it's like a fun movie. It's about prohibition. Oh, I would love this because I love Peaky Blinders. It's just like, it's like a fun movie. It's about prohibition. Oh, I would love this because I love Peaky Blinders.

There you go. So this is like up my alley. I like a fight. I like it when they fight, just not when they look at like directions too much. So you don't like a submarine movie or something?

No, I hate a submarine movie. Some of my most archaically bored moments as a child was like when I was watching men watch maps. Sure, I get that. Who would think that would be a good scene?

Men arguing about coordinates? Get me the damn coordinates! Stinks! Men love maps. They do love maps. Because there's answers on the map. Rachel, I got another rec for you. It's called U571. It's a submarine film. It's lovely. Have you seen McHale's Navy?

Oh, God. If you're in the mood for a comedy, Down Periscope is a great one. No, I want things to go down. Down Periscope. Wait, what is that? That's a horrible submarine movie that no one likes. When I was a kid, and it was actually a camp story, we were allowed one movie per summer.

And I remember everyone wanted to see U571. And I was like, for the love of God, don't make me see this fucking movie. We get one movie a summer. I love movies. And I saw Mr. Deeds was playing the sandler movie so i literally went up to the counselor who was in charge and i was like will you do me a favor and he goes well he goes just lie to everyone and tell them that you saw mr deeds and it's the best movie you've ever seen and he did he said everyone we're driving back from a thing he goes guys i just saw the new sandler movie mr

deeds best movie i've ever seen. And they were like, really? And they're like, incredible. So everyone changed their vote to Mr. Deeds. And we fucking got to see it. You did those kids a favor. You were like a young entrepreneur. Yeah.

We saw Mr. Deeds. And I fucking, yeah. And then you blew him. And then he got on his hands and knees. And I sucked his cock. How about this? You say this, I suck you off. He's like, you called it a blowjob and he punched me in the face.

It's crazy. Well, my rec this week is Hunt for Red October. But I did watch 12 Angry Men. Have you guys seen it? Amazing. Never seen it. Yes, that's an amazing movie. Amazing.

What's in that actor, Martin Balsam, who's in fucking everything? He's in everything. He's great. Not only an incredible movie, but- Still holds up, by the way. The Schumer sketch they did to parody him. Oh, yeah. The Schumer sketch.

Oh, my God. I saw that before I saw the movie. 12 Angry Men. Amy Schumer won a bunch of awards. Absolutely incredible. Yeah. Paul Giamatti's in it and shit. Yeah, and Nick DiPaolo.

DiPaolo's incredible. He can act. He's an amazing actor. Yeah. That's a great fucking movie. What made you watch that? I texted Salicus, our pal, and I just go, give me an old movie. I need to watch the movie tonight.

And he goes, 12 Angry Men. I was like, eh. And I looked it up. It's black and white. It's 1957. I was like, eh, I don't know about this. And I just powered through and I was,

I was hooked within 10 minutes. No, it's incredible. And it's like those, it's a play. So it's like those old, those old plays with killer dialogue. You're just like,

oh, there's not a wasted word. No, I just made a woman watch, uh, it's a good point. Yeah. Out of the past.

Oh, which is like maybe my favorite noir ever is robert mitchum it's fucking insane kirk douglas is in a jane greer is it late 40s oh dude every fucking line rules in that movie yeah just a killer script like uh you know there's a line where he's like uh she goes i don't want to die and he goes me neither baby but if i gotta go i'm going last just like cool as fuck Mitchum that's great bad to the bone I love these films also

because there's always like a man comes home because he gets to go out and like do things and a woman just sits there like re-combing her already pumped she just sits there

like profoundly bored just crunching on any pill she can find and drinking he puts a gun on the table just like a guttural alcoholic

and he's just like and then she's like's, I can't remember what the film was. Please help me if you see this and know, because I often need people to finish my own stories because I don't know what I'm talking about. She's dressed to the nines always. She's got like a ball gown on. Yeah. Yes, and she's always just sitting there, you know, and he gets to actually have a life and she's just, yeah, chewing on different medications.

And then he slaps the shit out of her when he gets home that's funny you say that because that's basically what happens I please tell me the movie I'm talking about probably many movies like this but what but she he walks in and she's like you you know, I've been thinking. Well, I've been thinking a whole lot. He's like, I told you never to go. You shouldn't be thinking, you dame.

Well, I thought about a couple of things and I contemplated on them. And he's like, I told you. Not only am I going to go out without you, not involve you in any part of real life, but I'm going to tell you you're not to contemplate anything while I'm gone. He goes up to me, touches her forehead, he's like, damn it, you're sick.

You kooky broad, I'll give you the taste of the back of my hand. We had to talk about this goddamn shit. You're not to fucking think when I'm away. Yeah.

Like, well, it's just that my mother passed and I got to reflecting on her life. Fucking shit. All right. Where are you going to be, Rachel? What do you got coming up?

Give us some dates, some plugs. Oh, in terms of a recommendation, too. Oh, yeah, please. What was that octopus film called? Because I can't remember. Oh, Octopus Master? Teacher. Octopus Teacher?

I think Teacher, yeah. Octopus Teacher. Yeah. I heard it's going to make me not want to eat octopus. And I really do like it. I was able to stuff it right in my mouth. Oh, good. I didn't miss a beat. I was very touched by their relationship yeah this guy he goes out swimming this was out a while ago i'm also watching everything that's pretty obvious that everyone's watching like

succession and white oh yeah so but so but the octopus movie um never been like a i don't know really into like and she's a person and they're an animal and then they're friends. You do the math kind of movies. But he was like, he went on the ocean every day and he just followed this octopus

and tried to figure out its life. And it's completely fascinating. Very moving. It's a great movie. Yeah. I mean, if he was my husband doing that, I'd be fucking furious.

Like I'm angry my husband's on the phone in the bathroom like you know i'm like imagine if he's just going to spend seven hours with an octopus and be like fuck off please that's true yeah yeah i like get annoyed when he's playing chess in the bathroom i can hear the chess sound and i know okay so i'll be at emlyn theater and manumaranek i can't even say the name new york um yonkers comedy club and also wait this weekend I'm in Sarasota, New York at Comedy Works as well. And I'm going to be in Dubai. Whoa! Yes, I have a show in Dubai as well.

I'll be at the Capitol Theater in Olympia, Washington and the Comedy Club of Kansas City. Oh, that's a good one. Nice. In Kansas City, Missouri. But also, yeah, Dubai. I'm in Dubai, I think, in like the third weekend. I, that's a good one. Nice. In Kansas City, Missouri. But also, yeah, Dubai. I'm in Dubai, I think, in like the third weekend. I'm doing the Dubai Comedy Festival. So check it out.

Damn, not a lot of women on that lineup, I imagine. Actually, there's some other women on that show. And there should be a lot of good people in Dubai Comedy Festival. That's amazing. What a cool mom. That's so fun. Thank you. I wish my my mom you were my mom my mom's like stand-up which more normandy you know i'm hitting pearlies again oh you gotta do it best jewish deli great deli my fave greensboro north carolina ashville charlotte

knoxville memphis birmingham alab, Chattanooga, Knoxville, Nashville rather, Denver, Santa Fe, San Antonio, Houston, and more. Samuel.com slash shows. Hell yeah. Also, I wanted to, I forgot to give you this book, Sammy. What is it? Speaking of recommendations. It's a book.

Oh, you're old. It's an awesome book. Oh, you're the best it's uh marlon brando's autobiography that he wrote i think with another author as well but it's called songs my mother taught me it is a fucking fascinating i can't wait really i bet you didn't know this about brando if you're watching at home loved the jews had your same fetish mark very no he's an anti-semite i thought he told. Maybe later on. He said Hollywood was run by the Jews and all that. Oh, maybe that was later when he went crazy.

But at this point in his life, he was really into Jews. People always blame the Jews in the end. When they're trying to use their marbles, they're like, the goddamn Jews. But early on, he learned theater from Stella Adler. And he became really obsessed with Jewish women. I liked it. really yes and he just he has a lot of hilarious stories one of my can i say one more thing about this book okay please one of the he was funny i feel like he could have been a comic okay brando brando hilarious goes to his school everybody

everybody called him bud when he was growing up he went to his school and thought everybody was obsessed with this mascot. Hated school. I think he went out to some military school or something. Anyway, thought it was dumb. Thought school spirit was annoying. They had a mascot. Everybody was obsessed with this mascot.

It bugged him. He was like, fuck you and your dumb mascot. So he decides one night in the middle of the night to dig up this mascot, like a big statue in the middle of the campus, and bury it, like 15 minutes outside of town. And then everybody loses their shit. They're like, where the fuck is the mascot? Everybody called him Bud in high school. They're like, Bud, where the fuck?

Everybody's looking for the mascot. He's like, I don't know. Starts a committee to find out who took this mascot. So he decides, like, not only do I not know where this mascot is, he fucking stole it. I'm going to get to the bottom of this. Then everybody joins the, like, the committee. This is almost as good as my Mr. Deeds move.

This is incredible. Yeah, basically, he basically starts a committee. This is almost not as good, but. Yeah. Yeah, then he starts a committee to try to get to the bottom of who took this mascot. And then finally exhausts, like, the nerds, the very people that bugged him that bugged him at a certain point he was like the most gung-ho one he's like if you're in or you're out we're gonna do this five days a week we're gonna get to the bottom of who took this thing like he was real difficult and exhausting and then finally basically they

came to him and they were like bud we gotta let this go the mascot's gone yeah but it was him who took it all along funny fucking guy songs my taught me. I always relate to that story about him. You know, he married that Indian woman and took care of her because she was so ill. And then when she got better, he lost all interest. Oh, really? He just took care of her like day and night. And then she was fully healed. And he was like, eh.

Wait, was that Little Feather? That's like Sam. That's like Sam. I know. I was thinking that too. You love a bruised lady. Was that the woman on the Oscars? No. Oh, okay. That was a protester he had. Got was thinking that too. You love a bruised lady. Was that the woman on the Oscars? No.

Oh, okay. That was a protester he had. Got it. Got it. Which, by the way, I just saw in the Bill Maher new rules thing, he brought up how everyone loves to say Hollywood is not. But he's like, people booed when he did that. They booed her.

Now when they do it, everyone like applaud. It's like. Oh, really? They booed. It's a good point. They booed her. It's about where the wind's blowing. When he said the thing about Native Americans.

Well, he wasn't there. He had Little Feather go. Oh, right. Yeah, Little Feather go. Yeah. Because he won for Godfather. That was kind of ballsy. That was his comeback movie.

I know. He was like, suck my dick, Oscars. Yeah. That is kind of cool, actually. And they didn't make a big, but everybody was booing in the room. Oh, yeah. On camera, they were like, boo. Pull it up.

It's on YouTube. It's such a funny thing to boo. It's so reasonable and positive. I know. It's just like, hey, can we support Native Americans? They're like, yeah, fuck off. Oh, people run pretty dumb, don't they? It was pre-Twitter.

You could still boo. Plug dates. I'm in Australia. Come see me in Australia. I'm all over the road. Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, New Zealand, Auckland, Perth,

you name it. Going down under. Say hello. And yeah, get some Bodega Cat. Say hi on the road. We got the shirts on. Shameless plug. Thank you, Danielle. Killing it. She's a Jew. We learned that today. we got the shirts on shameless plug thank you Danielle killing it she's a Jew

we learned that today not Italian I knew Danielle was a Jew I didn't know now I think less of her and we'll keep it moving thanks we'll see you next week congrats on your special Mark

when's your special coming out? late June July late July sorry where did you tape it? Chicago the Vic

the Vic Theater. I heard it was absolutely incredible. It was fun. From multiple people, I heard it was an incredible tape. I'm the only douche who thought to film on St. Paddy's Day, which I didn't think about. Apparently it worked out because I heard it was an incredible tape. It went well. Thanks to Webb and the gang.

James Webb. James Webb. Killed it. Our boy James Webb. We love you, James. We love you, James. Yes. All right.

We'll see you guys next week. You're the best. Bye. Sunday's the best. Bye. Sunday's the day for my next bender. A bit of Piverec, you know the beer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking poke. And I get down in the same way.

Up on the roof like a cop's coming. And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way. We might be true