We Might Be Drunk - Ep 129: Mike Vecchione

Episode Date: May 29, 2023

Get ready to have your funny bone tickled with an episode of "We Might Be Drunk" featuring the dynamic comedic duo Mark Normand and Sam Morril! This time, they bring you an absolute laughter extravaganza as they dive headfirst into an episode dedicated to non-stop jokes, jokes, jokes! Joining them is the incredibly talented comedian Mike Vecchione, renowned for his impeccable comedic timing and hilarious punchlines. In this joke-filled episode, Mark, Sam, and Mike unleash a barrage of side-splitting humor that will keep you chuckling from start to finish. From clever one-liners to hilarious anecdotes, they leave no stone unturned in their quest to bring you the best comedy experience possible. Make sure to check out Mike Vecchione's comedy special "The Attractives" available on Nateland from Nate Bargatze. It's a must-watch for all comedy enthusiasts! And now, to leave you with a hilarious Memorial Day joke: Why do comedians love Memorial Day? Because it's the perfect day to roast hot dogs and tell "fireworks" jokes! Tune in to "We Might Be Drunk" and get ready to laugh your heart out as Mark Normand, Sam Morril, and Mike Vecchione deliver a comedy extravaganza. Don't forget to spread the laughter by using the hashtags above. It's time to indulge in a plethora of jokes and create unforgettable memories. Enjoy the show! Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/  Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/shows Rachel Feinstein: https://rachel-feinstein.com/ Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ Head to https://www.hellotushy.com/DRUNK &; use promo code DRUNK for 10% off your 1 st bidet order Support the show &; get 50% off your first Factor Meals box at https://www.factormeals.com/DRUNK50 promo code DRUNK50 Get 20% off &; free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com promo code DRUNK    

Hey! Here we are. We might be drunk. We're back. Good to see you folks. It's been too long. You've been on the road and a bus. I don't even know who you are.

Our good friend Mike Vecchione. Hey, Mike. Thank you. Fresh off his new special produced by our other pal, Nate Bargatze. Yes. And directed by him. Yes. And available for free now on YouTube.

I'll start with a plug. And it's killer. Mike is one of the best joke writers. Killer. In the biz. Give him a watch. Over a million views already. Yes.

So if you're late to the party, get on it if you haven't seen it. Yeah. Hell yeah. Nateland. Nateland Productions. I love it. I love the- Comics helping comics. Yes. Late to the party is a weird expression because it is good to be a little late to a party. Oh, yeah. Nateland. Nateland Productions. I love it. I love the- Comics helping comics.

Yes. Late to the party is a weird expression because it is good to be a little late to a party. Oh, yeah. You want to be late. That's true. The first person at a party is kind of a tool. Right. You don't want to be too late.

You don't want to miss it. The first person talks about themselves in the third person. All right. This is a good- I'm going to text Seinfeld that bit premise. Late to the party. You don't want to be too late. All right. This is a good, I'm going to text Seinfeld that bit premise. Late to the party. You don't want to be too late. All right.

But yeah. How do you feel? You got it out. It's done. It's all. It's good. It's done. And now I'm just doing the other half of the business, which I didn't expect, which is

the promotional part of it. We thought the writing of it and the performing of it and getting that together was hard. Oh, yeah. The podcast tour now and getting Instagram clips and getting things to go viral in order to sell tickets. Well, I'm sorry. I was happy to see you. Sorry. This is such a chore, Mike.

This is the best. No, we're happy to have you on here, man. No, but I know what you mean. Doing the press. You know what I mean? It's like we all just want to do it and then put it out and have it get seen but unfortunately that's not where we live now no so it's like we have to go out and like push it and pump it and everything to get people to look at it it's bittersweet though but then when people

do look at it they're like this was amazing and they it's kind of like they have to make the discovery on their own yeah you know it's like or if you say it or if you say it, both guys say, Mark, Sam suggested this. And it's like, now I'm hooked. So it's like them taking the suggestion and them watching it. Then they become a fan. Love it. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a bitch to do, but it's better to get the views. Yes, it is. You might as well do it. Yes, it is. And you never know. You might get a new fan. Right. So you got to do it.

Right. But it does suck. Or only fan ah only fan yes that's a joke heavy a lot of people are on that yeah only fans is huge it's insane maybe do the next special that way they did a roast on there yeah sorry i stepped on the two roasts on there oh really well whit? Well, Whitney and Burt were on it. Oh, yeah, on OnlyFans. Yeah. I think they're trying to legitimize and go over to non-pussy. Is that the new platform? That's one of them.

It's either that or Reddit. Ah, I'm scared of Reddit. Tear you down. I guess the creator of the OnlyFans was at my show in Miami, and Whitney just gave him my number. So he's like, I got a bunch of chicks here and I was like don't be so OnlyFans all the time maybe suggest a restaurant

we could go to damn did you go? I did we were off to the next gig that'd be funny if you hooked up with a girl and she's like that'll be $5.99 you are an OnlyFan women I feel like every woman just sells pictures of their feet. Who are these feet people?

They're huge. They're out there. He's one. They hide. They hide in the woods. Well, that's more of them responding to the demand from men, for sure. I mean, we demand feet now, I feel like. You guys feet guys?

I'm not. I wish I was, because there's feet everywhere. The sandals, the open toe, the beach. It's a jackpot. I like pussy. You don't see that around. And if you do, it's never good. It's always a lady on the sidewalk.

I hope his wife's not listening. No, I mean, like I'm saying, random puss. You don't ever see clam out in the wild. Right, that's true. What is the attraction to feet, that's true. What is the attraction to feet though? What, uh, anyone? What is it? I think people find them sexy. Yeah.

It's like another set of hands. I don't find hands sexy. You find a hand job. Yes. A hand job, a foot. A foot is another set of hands. Foot jobs are a thing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. There's foot job, hand jobraffles. No, that's another one. Dude, foot jobs are a thing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's weird.

There's foot job, hand job, boob job. Blow job. Blow job. Blow job. A lot of jobs. What a country. This is a Seinfeld bit. What a country.

Someone takes your girlfriend, they're taking your jobs. We need more jobs. That's what Obama said. These prostitutes are taking our jobs. There's boob jobs. more jobs. That's what Obama said. These prostitutes are taking our jobs. There's boob jobs. Steve jobs. What are we drinking here? Tech bust.

That was up to Steve Jobs. And welcome back, Beer Juba. Oh, yeah. You've been all over the world. He got his fill of ladyboys, and he's back for more. Yeah. He got a tug job. All right.

I thought you guys would all be drinking bud lights or as i call it gender fluid but budweiser is still for straight guys but bud light oh my god you got to pull up the options this is i can't stop watching this old ad remember the coors Light twins commercials and the twins this is what viewer commercials used to be pull this up Matt it's on YouTube just the how would you we cut you off completely there I mean saw a lot of ladyboys

saw a lot of beaches not actually I stayed on the islands but hung out everywhere and like saw a bunch of stuff. Went to like, I went all over like nine different countries. Wow. Saw some We Might Be Drunk fans. Hey.

In Taiwan. Really? Taiwan. Yeah. We have quite a following there apparently, and they showed me around. It was awesome. We like to Taiwan on. There you go.

Oh. See you all in hell. We just lost our Thai fans. Taiwanese. Thailand, Taiwan. Different. Right. Yes.

You're turning into William Shatner? What the hell? What was that? Play this ad real quick. This is what beer commercials used to be. Oh, you go far. What is this? This isn't the ad. That was like when I was about to blow a low and they show the guy's face in the photo. Go just type in the Coors Light twins.

I did. That's what came up. There's other ones. You were a bad Google bitch. I found this instantly. What year are we talking here? It's at 2001. Wow.

That was when I graduated this instantly. What year are we talking here? It said 2001. Wow. That was when I graduated high school. I'm watching my team win with the twins. Meanwhile, he probably wrote about his children. You can't even hit a quarterback like that. That's dirty. Right. It was a different time, folks. This was not even weird.

That was normal. That was normal. Just Don Draper in a room. What are people like? Twins. Fucking twins. This is what it used to be. Just like the most pandering shit.

Watching my team win. This is the most pandering shit ever. And that's Coors Lake. Can you imagine what Coors was? Oh, man. Good point. Dude, it was just football, eating too much, and twins. Twins.

Twins. They did a thing of it. It wasn't just football. It was violent quarterback sacks. Yeah. I love that. You can see the CTE happening. Right.

And then cut cuts twins. They should do one now, but it's just like shit you don't like. I hate all these mashudines. Toxic masculine. But I like twins. It cuts the Minnesota twins. Damn, it's really, beer commercials went went a different way yeah yeah let me just say back to the the hand job foot job blow job okay hand job is good yeah foot job is good blow job

good boob job is worked on you see what i'm saying you fuck a foot you fuck a hand you fuck a mouth for a blow job hand job foot job but a boob job means you got your boobs done. Right. It's called a titty fuck. Ooh. Yeah. You see what I'm saying? Yeah.

All right. Yeah. Shouldn't have brought it up. Yeah. I think I got something there. No. Yeah, those guys all do. One is, three of them are all work.

For the dick. And one is getting, is like the object. You're getting work done to. Yeah, yeah. It's not fucking tits. Yeah. Whereas fucking a foot is a foot job, though, is a butt job. Yeah, yeah. It's not fucking tits. Yeah. Whereas fucking a foot is a butt job. A butt job, though, is a butt fuck.

Oh, yeah, butt job. No, no, butt job means you got a lift. Yes. Yeah, a lift. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Interesting.

A lift? In England, it's an elevator. Yes. Or the opposite of Uber. Right. Okay. All right. Back to twins.

And twins. That's what beer used to be yeah yeah i was reading about them because the guys who made it like they're like yeah you can't they hated it and they wanted to sound like a limp biscuit song like this is like america yeah you know and they get it's hilarious that someone wrote that jingle i know someone's job i paid a lot of money for that right and they said they hated it they had like they had a meeting i read this article about it they said everyone hated it and they had this meeting they're like this idea sucks but then they heard all their other ideas and they were way worse oh i don't like to say he took it to a focus group and everybody was like high five chest bumping each other like i guess we we suck yeah just fucking people in the thing

yeah yeah dude it was uh but apparently they're like, trust us. The twins thing is going to work. And it fucking blew up. It was huge. Yeah. It blew up. You know what? Oh, sorry.

It came out. It was like, I think it came out like right before 9-11 too. I think it was like early. Right. Yeah. Back before it all went to shit. Yeah. What about the-

And Twin Towers. Sorry. Oh, Twin Towers. That's great. That's great. That's great. Twin. What about the Real Men of Genius? That was another Bud Light ad.

That was killer. Was that Bud Light? Yeah, that was a really well done ad. Isn't it ironic that that's a Coors Light commercial that came out during the Bush administration? Inside job. Bush Light. It's all those commercials. Remember Budweiser was the frogs, too?

Oh, that was big. Budweiser. That was like just sloppy frogs. Yeah. Then there was Wazza. Oh, yeah. Was that Bud Light? What was that?

Or was that Taco Bell? Wazza. They even did it on Scream, the movie. Yeah. Hanging around drinking a Bud. Commercials were big because everyone watched them. Bud wasn't. Now we skip them all.

We were forced to watch them. You were forced, and it brought the country together. Yeah. All right, what do we got here? What are you doing? Oh, do you remember this one? This is a takeoff of the Antwins one. Okay.

No, this is way before Antwins, dude. Oh, it was? Oh, yeah, it must be. It's 90s. This is early 90s, yeah. I guess all these ads were the same back then. That blew my mind when I saw it. See, the beauty of this joke or this sketch is there's no hate.

It's just they're having a blast. Ah! Ah! Ah, Farley, so good. There's not one word in this ad. Gold. I think there's a tagline at the end flip up

that's Phil Hartman damn it's so great gold beer is fucking it's just the commercials used to be so damn funny and now it's like, what are the commercials? Do they still have beer commercials?

I don't know. Commercials are all serious. But it's like Corona. It's like a bunch of your friends on the beach and it's like, how'd the meeting go? It's like, killed it. That's what like a commercial, because we used to make fun of our roommate Dan Soder. We used to make fun of our roommate Pete because it's like, oh, he's a walking corona commercial yeah that's how he is with his friends he's like how was the meeting killed it everybody cheers is right it's like that's what he can add where the dude was

just always on a boat like every dude was just partying on a boat like this is not connecting your average heineken drinker probably no no i think heineken's mostly black. Is it? I think it's a black beer. Yeah, my black friends drink it. Yeah, same with mine. They got the same friend. Chris Allen's ears are buzzing. I was thinking Che. Che always drinks Heineken.

Oh, does he? Mm-hmm. This is good, by the way. What are we drinking? Canadians. That's like a Brazilian limonada. It's just like a Brazilian limeade. So good. Yours is spiked with rum that's just straight up limeade oh okay a little bit of like sweet condensed milk the frothiness is what makes it yeah yeah usually you blend it up but i want to cause like a ruckus these guys are getting drunk and this is a sports

drink i'm gonna go like i made you a powerade on the rocks it It's coconut flavored. There's electrolytes in you. I like Brazilian ones better because they don't have the pussy hair in it. Those are just crushed up real fine. It's lovely. For the fiber. Are they ladyboy hairs, though? Not in Brazil. Okay.

They don't have hairs. Should we do some news? Hell yeah. I got some news stories queued up. All right. Whoa. Read them queued up. All right. Whoa. Read them off, Solomon.

All right. So we have the first one is Jada Pinkett Smith produces a new documentary about Cleopatra claiming that she was black.

History supports that Cleopatra was from northern, it says Greek, but it probably should be, oh, northern Greek

descent, but she would have been very fair skinned. Okay. What a waste of time. We're trying to pinpoint the race of dead people from thousands of years ago who cares just make her hot we're out of racial problems i know exactly yeah yeah i do kind of like this though because it's funny when it's like hey we made this guy white everybody's mad and now it's like all right

let's make this lady black. And everybody's still mad. So just make the fucking movie. Yeah, maybe they'll make a We Might Be Drunk. They'll do a doc on us in 400 years, and we're black. Oh, yeah. 400 years. They're like, we have footers of them white.

And they're like, yeah. Right. What are you thinking? I don't know. Let me check my... Oh, man. I thought Cleopatra was trans. Maybe that's how they should settle it.

Hold for applause. Either way, it all sounds like a pyramid scheme. All right, put that in the hand job, tug job. If you disagree with Jada's vision for Cleopatra, Will Smith shows up and smacks you. Hey, I like it. Cleopatra was married to Mark Anthony, who was the fresh prince of Egypt.

I think making up stuff in movies is good sometimes, because in every Jada Pinkett movie, she has hair. Oh, good point. Good point. I think if you check, Cleopatra did have alopecia. Was that her daughter? Fire. Yeah.

We're rolling. All right. So we got another story here. Oh, what do you got? A man in China was sentenced to six months in jail. Is that scarring or scaring? For scaring 1,100 of his neighbor's chickens to death. The man, identified only by a surname Gu, that's G-U.

Is that his pronoun? Snuck onto his neighbor Zong's property and used a flashlight to frighten the chickens in the first incident. That's only the first incident. Oh, now this sounds like a pretty good way to kill chickens. Yeah. You know, because instead of chopping their heads off or murdering all of them, you just go in the flashlight and they all die. Yeah.

Yeah, they trample each other. By the way, this doesn't make me feel bad about eating chickens. Like, you're a fucking dumb animal That's how you kill yourself. Yeah, you deserve to be on a fucking bun Can I say that I have to this man having to be cooped up for six? I think the judge was probably a vegan That joke was excellent It was a jury of three roosters, four turkeys, and five Cornish hens.

Twelve angry hen. Hey, there it is. Yes. That's a feather in your cap. In China, they read the verdict like a fortune cookie. They open it and then read it. Under Chinese law, you have the right to lo mein silent. Yeah!

Got it! Got it! Check out the special. You know you're not very high in the evolutionary. Like, as animals, if you trample each other. Humans, we don't do that. We don't trample each other to death. Unless it's a...

Yeah. All right. Well, when I order, like like a chicken parm i always get him back to some ladyboy island the timing impeccable when i order a chicken parm or something i'm like how are these chickens killed were they afraid were they scared to death they trample each other that's the dish i want nice i would pluck that one out. All right. Since we're still doing puns, I heard he bird flew the coop. Timing.

You just had to wet your beak, didn't you? All right. Do you want me to go on the next one? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Oh, boy. A woman who was addicted to pulling out and eating her own. You had me at pulling out.

A woman who was addicted to pulling out and eating her own hair had a giant hairball measured 15 centimeters removed from her stomach, according to a medical journal. Wow. It's called a hair job. This actually happened to me, too. I didn't pull my hair. I just ate at a diner Not Brazilian But instead what she says She goes

There's some food in my hair Instead there's a hair in my food Right Alright That is like What is that thing people have Where they pull your You pull your hair out

That's like a thing Remember that movie Young Adult Yes I had an ex who did that And she had a bald spot That's a What's that called

That's some kind of a disease. It was some anxiety thing. Mark used to date Ed Begley Jr. When someone has a lot of hair, I guess she thinks it's an all-you-can-eat. All right, anyone want to try that first word? Trichotillomania. Trichotillomania. There you go. What about it? You want to try that first word? Trichotillomania. Trichotillomania.

There you go. What about it? For you to pull out your own hair. Oh, known as trich. And it's something different when you eat it, right? Pulling out your own hair and eating it. And when you pull out someone else's hair, that's a world star video. It's also funny that so many people do this. This is pretty common.

In show business. Pull they want people to eat like couch cushion or they're like styrofoam peanuts oh yeah there's all these uh documentaries about that yeah that's just even if you eat a subway but then it's weird when a girl won't blow you. You're like, come on. You can't blow me? What if I put my dick in the couch? This is like my strange addiction. If I put my dick in the couch, I cum. Okay, from chicken to beef, we have

beef star David Cho. We're pushing for the pushing. David Cho was slammed after a podcast detailing rapey behavior resurfaced. Social media users are questioning Cho's casting in a Netflix show, pointing out a 2014 podcast where he said he was a successful rapist. Well, at least he's successful. Better than a broke rapist.

I hope Netflix makes a show called Rapy Behavior so we can bring back Kevin Spacey. I miss that guy. He's good. I think season two of Beef is going to be called Beef and Broccoli. Nice. I heard they were very suspicious of his rapy behavior when the casting director said that she didn't want him on the show and he wouldn't take no for an answer.

The podcast was called Erection Quest, by the way. He was on a porn show. Is the rape like Netflix where she's like, are you still raping me? Here's a rape we suggest next. By the way, this is a podcast we played in 14 years when we tried to have

Netflix shows. They could have a rapey, a successful rapist section. It's just Harvey movies. It's Miramax. It's called Miramax. So I guess what, what does he do?

Go to podcast prison? He goes to some kind of a virtual. He has to do Zoom. He has to get at least 1,000 five-star reviews. Right. It's called Luminary. So do you guys know who this guy is? Well, his name is, can I get the joke?

His name is David Chose, which implies consent. His body is Chose. Sorry, what were you saying? Do you know who he is? Oh, wait, we have more. Oh, no, I was just going to say that copyright infringement is also a crime. That's what he was complaining about. That they posted the clip.

Really? And it was copyright infringement oh yeah his admission of rape versus copyright infringement yeah right yeah he didn't consent to them using the clip so this guy cho he's an artist and in 2008 or 2010 when facebook started um they commissioned him to paint a mural on their new offices and it was like a 15 000 gig and i can't remember the guy's name who the napster guy he was part of facebook and he said to cho he's like take stock and set instead and he said no no i need the 15 grand he's like trust me take the stock and set instead and then in when it went public whatever year he made 250

million dollars that day on that 1500 painting where it was so why is he still acting i don't think he's an actor i think they just cast him in this oh my god wow wow so he did take the stock he took the stock and made 250 million wow well his whole argument on the podcast was that he was doing, he was an artist and he was kind of like doing, I guess it was, correct me if I'm wrong. He was doing a character. He wasn't speaking authentically or he was making up a story for entertainment reasons. Because that's his, that's when people called him on it. They're like, oh, you're admitting to a rape.

He goes, no, no, no. I'm an artist and I'm telling a story from an artist's perspective. I don't know. Whoa. Yeah. Yikes. That'd be a great – This guy's either a rapist or the best actor. Ted Bundy was like, it was a joke.

I was doing a character. By the way Brando Had sex with a woman On film In Yeah the Tango in Paris Last Tango in Paris

Yeah And it wasn't written Into the script What He just had sex with her Right there Yeah he raped a woman Yeah that's rape

And he could say I was acting or something I don't know Whoa But he really Had sex with her right there It's like when people smoke on stage. They're like, ah, it's part of the act.

Right. So they allow it. Yeah. Weird. It's not exactly the same. No. I like that we all played along with that for a second. We're like, yeah.

A cigarette. It's kind of like a sexual assault. Oh, my God. The Surgeon General says no to both, by the way. Rape and smoking. By the way, does he need to both, by the way. Rape and smoking. By the way, does he need to be, he's not a surgeon or a general. No. That's a weird term.

Surgeon General. I love how he tells you not to smoke, but he won't tell you why X-rays are eight grand. It's eight grand for X-rays. Like, smoking is terrible. Yeah. All right, kids, have a good one. I don't like that. It's up there with landlord.

It's two grand. Yeah. Surgeon General kids, have a good one. I don't like that. It's up there with landlord. It's too grand. Yeah. Surgeon General. You're neither. It's like lawyer astronaut. All right, we got another news story here. All right. Wearable beanbags are here.

A Japanese company comes up with an innovative solution. Was this a problem before? What was the solution? Were people complaining about beanbags? Well, this is why Japan's better than us, because we just make our own. We're just obese. We just sit on our own fat ass. They have to actually strap a bag to them.

It looks like Chris Christie there. Yeah, it does look like they're wearing a fat suit. Yeah. Very Gwyneth in Shallow Hell. Yeah, it's look like they're wearing a fat suit. Yeah. Very Gwyneth in Shallow Hell. Yeah, it's very Nutty Professor. Hercules! Does this come with a vagina candle? You know she lit one after she won that courtroom thing.

I love that. She's skiing into people. More celebrities, she just skis into people. We'll never know what happened. It was her versus an optometrist, right? Yeah. Yeah, he was some kind of a doctor, and that's great that she's skiing. An eye doctor.

He didn't see that coming. Oh, man. Hey. People are beanbag chairs. Japan is, they're unbelievable. They really are. It's like people are complaining for, they have nowhere to sit, and these guys come up with the solutions. Beanbag chair.

People become beanbag chairs. This is the only way you see a fat Japanese person. Exactly. Yes. Really. But it's like you sit on them, and they tell you their own opinions. You have to listen to them for like two hours. By the way, it shows how much food we have here that we made chairs out of food.

It's full of beans. You can eat that. It's a protein-heavy seat. All right, we've got another story here. The U.S. government is storing 1.4 billion pounds of cheese in a cave in Missouri. Yeah. Apparently, the government has been storing away cheese for decades, even since the 70s, when former President Jimmy Carter

offered dairy farmers a break by having the government buy and store cheese from farmers. Mmm. That's what I call Brie Larson's pussy. Cheese cave. Brie? All right. That was a stretch.

I heard they were only doing that until recently. They just started doing it. Before that, they were storing it in a Kirstie Alley, I think. Woo! It's okay. She's dead. She'll never hear it. It was a cheese that killed her. Storing it in a magma mountain.

I heard it costs a lot of cheddar to kill. There we go. Cheese cave. That's what I call Swiss bank. Swiss. All right. Well, isn't cheese mold and doesn't mold grow in caves? So isn't it just, why are we

True. The first guy to eat cheese was pretty bold. Hey, this milk's gone bad. I don't know. I don't know if it has. I prefer hiding the cheese to cutting it. It's a fart joke. Save that for the corporate gig. That's squeaky clean.

You doing some birthday parties? They give you one. You do a corporate gig, and they give you one guy. They're like, this guy farts a lot. That's a great thing. You're just picking a guy for 40 minutes. You're like, but seriously, your gas is a problem. You're a fucking, you're a slob.

You're a fucking slob. This next one, they won't let that go. What is it? I keep hearing gays are causing natural disaster. I've heard that my whole life from like religious people. Yeah, a guy who says God sends natural disasters to punish gays has his home destroyed in a natural disaster. What a horrible way to find out you're gay. I think it depends on the disaster.

I think you're gay if it's a sinkhole. Or a mudslide. Yeah, I don't know. I think women are more prone to natural disasters because they take your house. After a few hurricanes, I'm gay. Well, doesn't a hurricane or a tornado just blow you into another guy? Good point. Or a cow.

It's definitely like, it's a weird, these guys don't believe in climate change, but they see two clouds forming, they're like, I guess two women just got a back alley abortion somewhere. Right. What about gays? I mean, you can't blame them for natural disasters because they got the rainbow. So that rainbow is when everything, you know,

the clouds clear. If a hurricane destroys a gay neighborhood, they redecorate quickly. That's true. destroys a gay neighborhood, they redecorate. That's true. Story blows. Hey, there you go. This is hot. This one's hot.

All right. Hold on. I didn't preview this one. Oh my God. And twins. Should I just go on to the next one? I don't know. No,

no, no. This is the best story. All right. This is great. This is crazy. All right. Conjoined twins Lupita and Carmen Andrade have shared the details of their lives, including

the fact that one of them has a boyfriend, even though they both share a vagina. First of all, why are they dressed like they're in the Middle Ages? Wow. Yeah, you're right. It's very Renaissance fare going on here. That is crazy. I mean, this is like an ad for noise-canceling headphones right here. You get those Bose headphones, you strap them on the sister, you're like, how good do these work?

Yeah, right. But he's dating one and then not the other one. Yeah. Does the other one feel it? Oh, yeah. One is heterosexual and one is asexual. Is that right? Yeah.

It's like having a permanent chaperone on every day. They share a vagina, so I guess they have to schedule the days differently. It's like I get it Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I get it on Thursday and Saturday. Friday. I get it Wednesday, Saturday. Right, right. And what does the one who was asexual use the vagina for, storage? Ah!

Geez, get that out of there, I need it. Geez. Geez, storage. One of them's a drug mule. Yeah, also look, I grew up with sisters. They can't share anything. So I don't know how that's going to work with the masturbating. The masturbating.

I guess this is like one of those cases where, like, speaking of rapists, this is where you roofie the other sister. Oh, yeah. Not your dame. You roofie the other one. If you don't want to fuck your wife's sister, you're in luck. Yeah. We don't know how long she's out. Is this a genre of porn?

I don't know. Incest threesomes, I guess. Skin specific. What kind of twins are they? They are conjoined twins. A conjoined twin threesome. Do you want me to look that up? That'll blow Pornhub probably away.

All right, let me look it up. Conjoined twin threesome. It looks like they're trying to sneak into a movie theater. You know, there's two of them, but they have to dress up. Ah, that's dunk. I just want you to notice that Pornhub didn't populate on my thing here. All right. I haven't been here before.

Ah, this looks all too familiar. This is me on the road with my cell phone going, all right, which will do the job quickest? It would be so great if it just finished typing whatever Matt typed in. He put conjoy and it finished it. It would be great if Pornhub sent you a message that said, cut it out. Cut it out. Get back to work. Pornhub's like, we're disgusted with what you've been looking up.

We've never written an email like this before. Oh, they got it. Conjoined twins. I think it's AI. Oh, come on. AI, anal insertion? Jesus Christ. It's just a mirror.

That's a mirror. All right, well, these gals could clean up. I'm sure this is a new, it's going to be a fetish. I wish they would clean up. Wait a minute, one pill per day for bigger size? Hold on, click on that. Click on it. That's good stuff.

All right, this is too distracting. It's crazy that they share a vagina. Him. They share a pussy. Yeah. All right, a German court said that a landlord sunbathing naked in the courtyard of his building wasn't a reason for his tenants to reduce their rental payments. of his building wasn't a reason for his tenants to reduce their rental payments.

The case involved the building in an upper market residential district in Frankfurt, which included an office floor rented by a human resources company, HR. The company withheld rent because it objected, among other things, to the landlord's naked sunbathing. In response, the landlord sued. Interesting. The Nazis are at it again. Naked sunbathing? Wow.

They figure out a way. Yeah. What's human resources like in Germany? You kindly board the train? Damn, so the landlord's the one doing it. train. Damn. So the landlord's the one doing it. Yes. Interesting.

And there's a human resources company in the building. Oh, that's a nightmare already. That is... I mean, I don't know if you should lower the ramp, but you should fucking... You should definitely arrest the guy probably, right? But it's his building. It's his courtyard, right?

Yeah. I guess. Jeez. But it's like I need something fixed up here, and it's like I don't have time right now. I'm nude sunbathing. Yeah. You see me.

You see the nude sunbathing. Also, that's not great for the HR company because some lady comes in like, some guy looked at my tits. He's like, hey, bitch, look outside. We got bigger fish to fry. There's a ball sack in the courtyard. You're worried about getting called, you know.

It's always terrible looking people who are these nudists. Yeah. And they're just so like, we got the right to do it. And people just, I mean, check out. If you were just a little bit hotter. Yeah. You know? The wrong people have body positivity, right? The wrong people are like, we need to be positive about our body. I'm like, you got to fucking go little bit hotter. Yeah. You know? The wrong people have body positivity, right?

The wrong people are like, we need to be positive about our body. I'm like, you got to fucking go to the gym. Yeah. We need like- Hit the naked gym. Yes. I was in a yoga class last week and there's a dude in there fucking, it's like a fat dude with a ponytail in his underwear.

Yeah. And he's got a pierced nipple. And I'm like, dude, pick like one of those things. You don't get to do all those things. Yeah. Good underwear. Yeah. And he's got a pierced nipple. And I'm like, dude, pick like one of those things. You don't get to do all of those things. Yeah. Good point. Underwear? Underwear.

That shit, he's got to put shorts on. No one says shit, though. Wow. Because it's too freewheeling, man. We're all free. But it's weird because yoga is freewheeling, but it's very, at least the Bikram yoga, and I know he's a rapist, but the Bikram yoga is very, very tough. He's a successful rapist.

He left the country, actually. That documentary came out, and he left the country. And now it's like, I guess he's out of our jurisdiction or something. Wow. I don't know. He said namaste, and he went on his way. Namaste. Namago.

No, I'm going to stay. No, I'm going to go. Okay, so Iranian-born crypto entrepreneur Sina Estavi purchased the NFT of Jack Dorsey's first tweet. Estavi? Estavi, baby. Estavi, baby, yeah. Estavi, baby. Jack Dorsey's first tweet for $2.9 million in March 2021. He announced on Twitter that he wished to sell the NFT and pledged to give 50% of the proceeds to charity.

The auction closed. Selling price? $279. Wow. So that's a $2.9 million bath. That's a hilarious auction. When you're expecting it to go to $2.9 million at least and it gets $297. I know.

You're just left there going i don't you know elon musk is like finally someone else lost money on twitter not just me that'd be great if he bought the nft it's 297 but you get a blue check mark right how come some people get the blue check for and they don't pay it's all whacked up it's all wacky yeah because some people bought it and then they sent it back at something i don't know now i feel like it's like uncool to have the blue check yeah well because people could buy it yeah right you had a great tweet about that the class ring oh yeah that was great i said basically like whoever pays for it it's like basically the dude that bought a class right that's great yeah he's great i bought the class ring and i regret

it my i was like dad can i buy it i need a hundred dollars he was like you're not gonna wear it and then i bought it and never wore it totally regret it yeah i remember mentioning to my dad he was like don't buy that fucking i wear it now because i'm not married so it's like i want people to know i'm dedicated to the classes doing donuts in the parking lot dog i stayed cool forever just like i wrote in everybody's yearbook yeah you're like sandler who pulls up and billy madden with the camaro and the t-tops class rings are fucking weird oh yeah and letterman jackets too i mean i graduated high school in florida and it's like get a letterman jacket it's a

it's too hot it's too hot to wear it right and so it's like we i got it anyway wait why'd you go to high school in florida sophomore junior and senior year whoa i was in ohio and then went to florida sophomore junior senior year graduated in florida i'd say that's an upgrade yeah yeah it's great florida was great man i had a great high school experience really yeah really great when all these guys talk about i don't know how how you guys view your high school experience. Most people are like, it was a nightmare. It sucked. I hated it.

It's like, I loved it. I loved every minute of it. It's like good people around, good friends, sports was just wonderful. Hell yeah. But then it's like if you have a great high school, you get it either way. If your high school experience sucks, then you suffer then. And then you get into the real world, you're like, oh my God, I feel like myself. But then if you have a great high school experience, then. And then you get into the real world. You're like, oh, my God, I feel like myself. Yeah.

But then if you have a great high school experience, then you get thumped by the real world. Right. So it's like you're getting it one way or another. Yeah. Well, wait, what city? Boca Raton. Oh, man. So you're on the beach.

I was on the beach. It was beach on the weekends. It was really great. Woo-wee. A lot of juice. A lot of juice. Good people. I said it like it's a good thing. You said it was like a what a juice lot of juice good people I said it like

it's a good thing you said it was like a little bad thing no I've done gigs here I love Boca Raton Florida's an underrated comedy place oh yeah

the awful cities are awful but the great cities are like Orlando's fucking good crowds Orlando, Tampa Tampa

the west coast too Naples I hate Naples are you fucking kidding me? Dude, because it was like, I'm not going to. Are you fucking kidding me? I thought that was a joke you were making. No, no.

It was an older crowd. Have you not seen my merch? Pull up my merch. Pull up the merch. Pull up the merch. Pull up the merch. I thought it was great. You fucking like Naples?

I loved it. Man, what else did you like? Germany? Love Naples. Damn, someone profited off a blue version of that shirt. you fucking like naples man what else did you like uh germany love naples damn someone profited off a blue version of that shirt that ain't me uh-oh and a sweatshirt damn it's funny those fucking those i only really sell them hard in like florida because everyone in florida if i'm in florida everyone buys those but other where they're like yeah but in florida everyone's like Naples. I got to send this to my dad. I'm like, geez, all right.

Don't like it. Wow, you love Naples. I did love it. But what's that other? What's that town above Miami? Fort Lauderdale. Great town. Great.

Great club. What is that, the Dania? Dania. That's a great club. Great club. Dania Improv. Miami's a little bit of a slugfest because they're all hot and coked up. They're too vapid.

Everybody's hot. Everybody can rollerblade off on a show that they don't like. Yes, yes. I did the Fontaine Blue when I was there. It's like one of those like Sinatra played here. I'm like, I don't think they've updated it since then. It's the Dangerfields of Dade County. Yeah.

Sinatra punched a woman right in that corner right there. Sinatra's romanticized. I love him and everything, but he was just wildly unstable. He was a man of the press who hit women and had mob ties. He was a maniac. I think he tried to get Ava Gardner back by just shooting a bunch of holes in a mattress. He was like, I'm crazy without you. And she came back.

Wow. Yeah. I should try that. That worked in the 50s. Yeah. What was the girl? He's passionate. I'm like, he's got a gun.

And he's unstable. Yeah. What was the guy, the Rosemary's baby? The lady. Oh, Mia Farrow. Mia Farrow. He was 60 and she was 21 when they were married. Yeah, and he was like, get her out of that picture.

And they were like, no, we're keeping her. And she went down to the set and raised hell. Then he flew out of there and divorced her. Apparently that scene in The Godfather where he's like, I've had every girl in the world. And he ruins a girl, the guy Waltz. Yeah. The Sinatra character, that's supposed to be about me a pharaoh oh i gave her singing lessons dancing lessons and then your guinea charm

he pulled her away oh wow look at that yeah yeah he's like you shouldn't be making hollywood movies you should be fixing my toupee at home like a lady yeah fun fact his dad owned a bar named sinatra's and he had to change the name to O'Connor's because you couldn't have an Italian couldn't own a bar. That's great. I think that should apply today. I think Irish shouldn't be allowed to have restaurants. Yeah, they need not apply.

Yeah. Okay, we got another story here. Japanese police have arrested two men who posted a video on social media showing one eating pickled ginger with his chopsticks directly from the communal container. Is that a garbage can? I kind of didn't understand the story. I think he took chopsticks and he ate it out of the communal ginger bowl. Oh, okay.

So it's just for everyone and you're just eating like this, getting your germs in there. I like their impolite as our normal way of doing things. It's true. It's just accepted in our society. They're like, whoa, this is forbidden. This is a criminal law.

Right. It's part of a series of pranks that have hit sushi chains and become known as sushi terrorism. Man, terrorism there is so much lighter.

We got people flying into buildings and blowing up stadiums. We shoot up schools that are like, you ate the communal food. You're a monster. He's the ginger terrorist.

Our thing would be sucker punching a ginger person. Yes, yes. Our ginger terrorist were the Murdochs. There we go. Can I get another one of these, Beer Jew? This is A-OK, buddy. Very nice. I think it's amazing.

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my first case yeah that's a great fucking joke i believe that's in your first fallon yeah yeah that's a great set check that out you still do late night sets you're like one of the few comics where like your material works well for a late night set yeah it's like you know it's like an old school type of comedy mark and and I love that too. Oh, yeah. Getting together because we're all good in like – we're good in five minutes. Yes, yes, which is rare now. Once you get to know me, I suck, but for five minutes. Because we're all of the – I think we're all of the mindset. It's like hit them hard and then get the confidence with the first joke.

Yes. And then just like every seven seconds. And then even after the seven seconds, you still look at the joke and go, well, is there a punchline on the way in? Yes, exactly. So I think we all look at it like that. Jack came with him like four times really hard. And then I'm like, I'm done. You get the light.

Yeah, no, I agree. Because I think with club comedy, you have to win them over. That's like half the battle. Getting them to trust the, oh, this guy, we should listen to him. Right. Yeah. But how are you finding guys, because you guys have followings now, big followings. So how has it changed on the road where it's like you had to earn it like that.

And now people know you. Yeah. And is that better? Is it better? It's nice, but it's also bittersweet because you're like, is this good? Or are you guys just like me you guys just into me and like my act and know me and get my cadence or is this actually funny so then you got to try it again in front of strangers right yeah you get that momentum laugh that's totally

true mark is uh you get they get that pop sometimes because they know your rhythm and they know you and and that's why you got to try it i think at the cellar where they they don't know you oh yeah you know so yeah it's it's but you were saying like we're talking off air where it's like you can come at them with something edgy and it's if it's your crowd they already know you yeah so it's like you don't need that much of a setup for to yes but if they don't know you you come off looking like a psycho unless you pad it yeah on both sides of the joke like it's hard to open with a holocaust joke you're right not your craft right yes which gets annoying because you're like no no this is good i know i know it's jarring for you guys because you don't know me but this is good so it does get annoying but i get it they don't know you so they're like

whoa is this a nazi you know well you gotta earn it right i mean even for your crowd it's funny we're like even for i think if i'm on the road even for the crowd that comes to see me i i do have to to some degree earn it because not all like most of them are fans but sometimes they're like they bring a friend but your placement still matters like you don't want to come out too hard it's like it's like going out on a date and immediately you're like sex right you have to you have to be like so what do you like somebody so you kind of you know but if you've been dating a couple years then that's what it is that's what it is yeah but but if you're i still find that you have to like kind of like i have an abortion joke i'm like let me put that like minute 18 let me like build up

maybe some dating stuff up top maybe some lighter stuff yeah just just ease into it work into it chronologically and i close on getting arrested in oklahoma it's my closer you pull up one of mike's jokes here play it i love i'm a big fan i also think your album is one of the best oh i think that if you haven't heard Mike's album, The Worst Kind of Thoughtful, there's a 10-minute bus chunk. It's just all about the bus, and it's one of the best bits. Every line is incredible. Mike, they said this without you here. Oh, yes. That's been said without you here.

And Muscle Confusion. Yes. I believe won, like, Album of the year with a couple things and that is so good it's tight as a drum thank you as a cheese cave as a cheese cave so tight as a german landlord sphincter yeah i'm a huge boxing fan i love all kinds of boxing and i was watching this one fight it was a female fighter and her brother was the promoter and they were interviewing her and they're like how did you start fighting and it's a tragic story she goes when I was young I watched my father hit my mother haha I was too weak to do anything about it so I learned to fight

and it never happened again like wow that's pretty powerful then I thought that the brother the promoter grew up in the same home so he must have saw the same thing and thought to himself I can sell tickets to this now that's so great because what's impressive about that bit obviously it's a funny joke

but there's a lot of information to to get to the audience there you know and that is the way you made it so simple and accessible that's a skill on its own but usually i don't have the patience to get into the bit i need a joke into the bit sure there was no joke into that yeah so it's like i realized in some bits like yeah because i'll see some guys just have the patience and then wait for the payoff, and that's also valuable. So it's just like usually I like that joke on the way in. I agree. But there was – I couldn't get one off in there. It needs to be informational.

But the punchline is strong enough. Yes. Eight seconds of setup, but that's not a lot. Right. And the fact that it was so much information so concisely and so simply that's a skill on its own right so i don't even think you needed the job i like a joke in the setup too but you know i mean i think it's actually uh i don't know how you guys feel about it but i feel like it was it was like a stage fright thing that's developing it's like punch it up every seven seconds because you don't want to i don't want

to sit in silence yeah neither do i yeah but i feel that in your comedy like you're very much like you feel guilty wasting even like a word right it's it's a great thing but yes there's also a time where you're like shit man you could take a deep breath like you earned it yeah you could take a deep breath and and look we talk about placement for an hour and yeah you if i do a story i usually do a like one at least one or two long stories per hour. And I put them at the end. It's kind of like, all right, this is where it goes, where I feel like I can prove. And you're like, I remember a tell once in a late night set.

It says this first joke and it kills me. It goes, I've proven I'm funny. And it's like, that's kind of what it is. You're like, okay, I've proven I can do well here. Give me a minute to let this longer one build up to a bit. Right, right. and it's like that's kind of what it is you're like okay i've proven i can do well here give me a minute to let this longer one build up to a bit right right you know yeah yeah he earned it well i realized on the road when i first started headlining that it's like i just had such a new york mentality where it's like you just go up and just just uh machine gun them with jokes

and it's like i realized like oh they're there to see you yeah like even if they don't know you they're there to see you so it's like kind of relax into the rapport with them and you're you are you're armed with all of the jokes already you're right they're not going anywhere you could use them at any time you want but instead of just going up there like a city set and just being like, boom, boom, boom, boom, just like relax into them. Get to like get the rapport going. You don't have to rush into it. And then drop the jokes in wherever you see fit.

Yeah. But don't I mean, I'm speaking personally. I have that fear they'll get bored because stand up is kind of boring. It's a guy on stage talking or a girl on stage. It's not a ton of some guys will hump on a stool or doing backflips. But for us, it's just this. So I think you got to hammer them. But maybe I'm wrong.

No, that's – I just think like the mentality of the road is like also it's 15 minutes in a city. True, true. So it's like you got to get up there and just like you have to prove it and then you have to like hit them with – like when you have an hour, it's like, all right, all right it's yeah yeah it's just like let's take our time right you know what i mean that now we're so much easier like i always feel bad like whoever's opening doing like 20 everyone's like that's the kill spot i'm like yeah i guess but it's like 20 minutes is harder it's harder to do 20 minutes in an hour right i think if the crowd's if it's your crowd yeah oh it's a good crowd,

absolutely, yeah. I want to fucking do... I want to usually come off and tell you that they're a headliner if they just weren't. But also, you've got to think Columbus, Ohio or Denver, Colorado, they're not as fast-paced as New York anyway.

If you're kind of slowing down, they don't even notice it. Well, that's the New York mentality everywhere. You go into a fucking diner yeah sit down go sit down yes exactly you go to a diner in the south they're like they're like we'll get to it oh you ever go to a salad place here i mean you gotta know you go down the line like uh olives yeah if you stumble they're like come on you faggot you're like wait what what are we doing here yeah this is legitimately good it's so good not bad right yeah oh yeah but yeah they uh everything is faster but they make it up for you in the south and other places with um kindness you know what i mean so everything takes longer but in the middle of it taking longer they're actually nice to you they go

how's your day right they really want their how is your day it's like all right you know i mean it's good it's like the weather we're getting here and they're like they sink into a conversation totally whereas in here it's just like they nobody people look through you yes yeah that's the biggest thing hardest thing that people have adjusted to new york's like sitting on the subway she's like looking through people yeah yeah just because there's so much stimulus coming in and you have to like yes wall some of it off i find this up here so it's like yeah but like you know when you're on the road and like can you do our podcast at the club at four then you got a show at seven a show at 9 30 then you got to sell merch after the first show you

got to meet the host you got to meet the feature it's a lot of stimulus and you're like i should be saving some of this for the show what am i doing here well that's what i always remember with these clubs where they have you do like morning radio and like you do the show thursday night and then they're like all right morning radio is at us pick up it's at 6 a.m yes i flew in yesterday and i'm going to bed at three yes wires from the thursday night show maybe a few pops yeah and then you're just like you're on radio like i remember i was on muscle relaxers on one of them and i i had to have like a manager pull it down because i was just like making no sense and oh wow we gotta get that in the but i'm like this is what they made me be here and i'm just on there they're like i'm like

and they're just like okay i'm like two. And they're like, no one's coming. Based on this sales pitch where he's slurring. This guy's the next Hedberg. They're like worried about you. It's actually called the next Hedberg, not for your comedy. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you know, those morning radio. And then, of course, you do two shows that night.

And you're just exhausted. Yeah. I mean, it's like, I'm not complaining. It's a great fucking gig. But it's one of the things where you're like, yeah, you need to conserve energy. Oh, yeah. I always check the morning radio with 6 a.m. I judge whether to have coffee or not.

And the way I judge it is like, okay, it's 6 a.m. It's like, how long am I on for? And if they go, you're on for the whole morning. You're on for an hour because i want to be on as long as possible because if we're gonna if i'm gonna get up that early of course let's try to sell some tickets right i mean so keep me on as long as possible i hang through the break i'll do traffic whatever you guys yeah but if i'm getting up that would if i have to get up for five minutes i'm not drinking coffee i want to go back to sleep yeah good point now can

you guys sleep i can't nap no i don't i don't know i can really yeah i can sleep if i don't drink the coffee and i'm doing five minutes i just and they're fine oh we got mike that gown here and you have a better t-shirt it's like all right man thanks for stopping by then i leave and i'll go back to sleep yeah i had i'm only an asshole when i get two hours of sleep and that's like there's that clip of me that where i'm just fucking with the morning people and it's because i got two hours of sleep i was flew from L.A. to Sacramento like a couple weeks ago. And it was just a long day. It was like, you know, you do the shows in L.A.

Then you wake up the next morning and you got to take the early flight to Sacramento because you can't chance it, right? So we land. We get at the gig. We don't get a hotel because we're like, let's just chill at the venue all day. And it's like a beautiful theater, the Crest Theater. But it's not a good theater for like hanging right downstairs it's it's like and i used to live in an apartment like this where like all the doors don't go up to the ceiling

and that's what all the green rooms were so i literally i hear my video guy james just like belching i hear a video on like facetiming with his kids every door slamming all the people are like slamming the door and i'm like trying to sleep and i can't sleep and at one point i just get up and i go shut the fuck up motherfuckers and everyone's like what the fuck and i'm just like sorry and i just like go back into bed but everyone shut up i was able to sleep only time i'm taking a nap in like years wow i don't nap i'm not even sleep you don't nap i just i can't do it i did it because I was so fucking tired and I was sick. So I was like, but no, if I'm on a flight, I'll like doze off sometimes. But I don't know. I don't.

But it takes so long to nap. Like a 10 minute nap or 20 minute nap takes me like three hours because I have to like shut down. I have to turn the lights down. I have to lay there. Look at your phone a little bit. Jerk off. You know, you get it. But the conserving energy.

People don't understand that um that early morning flight because you don't want to chance it what you just what you said and that's really the truth it's like i could leave at two and get there at four and then the show is seven but the thing if the flight gets delayed at all i'm i could miss the show you know i mean yeah i'm screwed so it's like it's either that two o'clock or a six a.m it It's like, I got to take the 6 a.m. to be safe. I take the 2. I got to get up at 4. Take the 2.

I did it for the Knicks game. I came back in a 6 a.m. flight to go to the Knicks game on Sunday. And I was like running on fumes. I was like, fuck, I'm getting drunk. Yeah. Just started pounding. That's great. But see, the other end of that is the Knicks game.

Yeah. So you get that to look forward to. I was so pumped. Yeah. We lost, but I was so pumped. Ah. Yeah yeah but the drink it helps it does wake you up it's temporary but it helps when you're on fumes good nice and we saw i was with stav and we saw we saw a rod going into the building and adam glenn you know he works for tmz now he's like you guys should annoy a rod i was like that's a great idea so we just stop and i just run up to a rod and we're like yo a rod can we take a picture with you and he's like sure

and his handlers are like fuck they're like trying to push us away we got one pick off it's just a great pick of stuff lurking behind a rod yeah trying to sniff j-lo but also the thing about the five minute radio this what kills me, and this is where I sound like Mark Cuntman Norman, but it's not just five minutes of radio. It's getting picked up by the club manager who wants to chit-chat at 6.20 in the morning, and he's like, so, how's New York? Oh, it's good. Oh, yeah, all right.

And then you get to the radio, and then you've got to chit-chat with the makeup lady. You've got to chit-chat with the dog lady in the green room with you. Who's doing the makeup for radio? Well, I'm sorry. Morning TV. TV. And then there's the dog lady, and then there's the chef guy who's going to make the skewers today and all that. And it's just so much extra shit.

It's like the guest spot. Can I do five minutes on your show? All right. Yeah, it's just five minutes. But then you've got to sit in the green room with him. You've got to hang out with the guy. He feels weird, so he's doubling down on the convo because he doesn't want any silence. on your show? All right, yeah, it's just five minutes, but then you got to sit in the green room with him and you got to hang out with the guy. He feels weird, so he's doubling down

on the convo because he doesn't want any silence. And then the guy comes in for the sound check guy comes in and he goes, is he doing a guest set on the second show?

And now it's awkward, so you got to be like, okay, the whole thing's brutal. The morning TV thing is the best when you're in the green room with whatever lady. She's like,

I'm coming on after you to show a cooking recipe. And you're like, oh, that's nice. And then you come in afterwards and you just see the look of horror on her face. She doesn't look at you the same. She's like, you're not a good person. But you guys are the best because you make the most of that. You realize what the opportunity is.

And you make the most of the morning radio. And if they don't have you back, you guys don't. They're never pleased with us. No, never. But that's why it's good. That's why it's good. Don't have me on if you don't have you back, you guys don't care. They're never pleased with us. No, never. But that's why it's good. That's why it's good. Don't have me on if you don't want me to be me. Yeah. You know?

Who am I, Barbara Walters? No, I'm going in. No, you're alive. Yeah. But do you ever do that thing where it's like you go to another town and you're like, I wonder what, in an alternate universe, what my life would be like if I just had a regular job and I lived here and how that would be? now here's a question what would you do if you had to have a gig outside of comedy

ideally i'm not saying you're qualified for every gig but if you could pick a sport something sports related sports announcer writer yeah writer announcer, announcer, maybe even like a sports. I don't know, something sports. Okay. How about you? I would go UPS guy. No office. You're outside.

You got a car with no door. You got shorts on. You might fuck a couple of housewives with the packages. That would be mine. Most of these packages are left outside these days, I feel like. True. Might fuck a doorman. There we go.

And I get on some ring doorbells. Maybe I'll go viral. I'll do a dance or something. It's an idea, actually, to go to Martin Scorsese's house and hopefully as a ring, just audition into it. That's great. Marty! Yeah. That's good.

Just keep going, give me the money, you cocksucker! It's like, that's got to fit somewhere into a Scorsese movie. Marty just, he opens the door, he's like, you got the gig. You got the gig. He hugs you. So that's an idea.

These ring lights, that's a good way to audition. That's not bad. I would actually be a TikTok dancer. No! Yeah, I'd be a big dancer. All right. No, I can't dance.

My thing is, you know know i would own a small if i had like a town the middle of the country something i would own a small business you'd have to because that's kind of what we're doing now it's like small business you would throw everything behind that that would be your life that's what we're doing with this is yeah throwing everything into it so uh but i like the um my fantasy is a food truck is a food truck guy because i feel like once you get the permits you know i know there's some red tape with the permits but you could just go anywhere it's like where where people construction site at lunch and then uh people getting out of work like boom you set up a set up there and sell

and then if you just if you need extra money it's like wherever the clubs let out at 2 in the morning. Oh, yeah. Sell just a limited item, but jack the prices. It's just like a moving money machine. Yeah. You just make money. Good point. Yeah.

Yeah, you get the drunks. But you got to get the drunks. That's a providence, I think, that Federal Hill, it's like people would come out from drunk, and it's just like there's just food trucks lined up. Yeah, they have really good food trucks. Really good. Providence is kind of cool. Next to the cellar, there's that food truck when you come off the subway from West 4th.

It's like spaghetti. Oh, yeah, that's right. It's a spaghetti food truck. I'm too scared to eat there. Is it any good? I don't know. Maybe you guys want to put me as a reporter. Go try it and tape a short segment and then send it back to you guys.

There's a Mexican food truck right outside of Christopher Street. The one. So good. Shout out to them. I forget what they're called. Oh, yeah. They are really good. Very good.

$10 burrito, taco. Those tacos are mad good. Very good. They always burrito, taco. Those tacos are mad good. Very good. They always have a line. Yeah, it's like a great late night. Great spot. Surprisingly good, too, because you like Mexican food.

I feel like New York is like, we're just not, we have so many good cuisines, but we just, we have good Mexican spots, but that's like not our thing, New York. Right, right. Like, you know, Texas, California.

Yeah, yeah. Houston. Houston, good Mexican food San Antonio is amazing San Diego LA is good Mexican food I find New York is great for food because I came from Philly I started comedy in Philly and New York has great food

but you're going to pay for it as soon as they realize they have great food everybody jacks the prices up and it's like a five star Michelin whatever but in Philly in South Philly where the Italians are it's like there's corner places that are delicious and cheap just because they take pride in their food interesting new orleans is similar like you can't get creole here i've tried it's another one that for some reason also barbecue barbecue too kind of barbecue there's a couple but like yeah

of course there's like a few i know people are gonna like get the comments dallas barbecue yeah dinosaur barbecue yeah like oh dude like kansas city barbecue or like oklahoma or texas yeah so good texas st louis st louis barbecue yeah nashville but you can't get creole but in new orleans you can go to some hole in the wall place get a po' boy like a shrimp po' boy it's the best thing you've ever eaten but it's the culture yeah yeah but i gotta go to south field i've never been to South Philly. That's where Rocky runs through. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I got to go there. Is it still Italian? I think so, yeah. Wow. Because I think a lot of Italians moved to South Jersey because they wanted a house and space and all that. But I think that property taxes went up and all the South Jersey, Washington Township Italians moved back to South Philly.

So I think it's like a thing. All right. South Philly. But the food is unreal. a thing. All right. South Philly. The food is unreal. We used to go to this place called, I dated a girl down there and I worked down there. And we used to go to this place called Evelyn and Shank's. I don't know if it's still there.

I doubt it. But it was just a hole in the wall. It was like three tables and like three Italian, old Italian women cooking. I love it. And they have a fried meatball platter, broccoli rabe. Broccoli rabe is solid, dude.

You just want a fat lady with a dirty apron. That's all you want out of a restaurant. You want to see fat tits with a little sweat. Yes. Yeah, maybe a hairnet. She calls you hun. Or she tells you, calm down. Yeah, it's coming.

I like a sassy. Man, there was this place in AC called Tony's Baltimore Grill. Oh, yes, I love it. Those old Italian women. Love Tony. That place is so solid. That reminds me of the South Philly place. I like a sassy man there was this place in AC called Tony's Baltimore Grill and it's just oh yes I love it those old Italian women love Tony's Baltimore Grill that place is so solid that reminds me of

the South Philly place I love that spot there's something about it and also like I remember one week I was there and I just got loaded there like every night

you'd order like a a Jack and Coke it would come in a pint glass it was like five bucks like this is a fucking problem right here but the food is like great food was great yeah and

they were open all i mean pre-code but they were open 24 hours yeah all the people all the wait staff and stuff from the casinos would get off work and go there you get some real dregs of society there yeah i brought one of them he was my friend adam was like really a fucking problem he's like a degenerate gambler i literally he's like that dude where you know you go to a casino and he's and you're playing a gig and he's just there yeah he'd be like oh i thought you were doing a gig here so i figured i'm like oh boy that's awesome yeah oh yeah hey so you worked did you ever work the trop stop down there uh okay so no you did yeah i got fucking i got uh scam there right they didn't pay me when it was going out right yeah okay so but you remember you have to

you'd have to stay in that nucky thompson building yes where boardwalk empire i remember the real bill i remember walking into that building shit face and just seeing a giant cockroach and stomping it and just collapsing onto the bed that's like my memory of that weekend that's like a noir movie yeah like a half bottle of whiskey. I just stopped the cockroach. I just walked over the bed. It just fell flat in my face. It's really great.

But the thing is, it would be the trap was across the street. And what you would have to do is, and you don't know any of this beforehand when you do it for the first time. So it's complicated. But you drive your car around. You take your suitcase up. Or you drive the car around and just you have to let it sit there and then go across the street to get the keys. Then come back and then put your luggage up and then drive your car to the garage and put it in. So there's like a bunch of steps. But my point is whenever you would drive up, the security guard for that place would come out and be like, you can't park every time.

Every single time it was a new guy just waving his hands going you can't park here you can't leave your car here and it's like i know dude i have to go over get the keys and come back but it's like after a while i just leaned into it and just be would be like because people like sometimes with these jobs they just they have information so it's like you gotta let them you gotta let them get it out yes so he goes you can't park here i go are you i can't and he goes no you cannot park here it's like oh thank you thank you for letting me know i'm gonna can i just leave here for a couple seconds and then go get the he goes all right that's good you know what i mean but it's like it's like they feel empowered right you know what i mean flip it on them yeah i remember doing that gig because you work with

two other comics right we have a three headliner show and i remember one of the guys i was working with was just like he was just betting on first off we got scammed on money so we didn't get paid for the week but also the guy i was working with was like a crazy sports gambler so he was just bet on like meaningless baseball games you can't bet on baseball there's 162 games in a season they're like they're meaningless, the games. So every time he'd look down, he'd be like, on his phone, he'd be like, can't catch a fucking break. That was the whole week. And then by the end of the week, I was like, man, he really can't catch a break.

We got fucked. But it was always how they would not pay you. It was like, you'll get it in two weeks. It was always that. Which just means never. It meant never at the end, I think, when he was going out of business. I had such a fucking weak agent at the time. He was such a fucking weasel.

I remember telling him and he's like, well, these things happen. I was like, that's not what you say. That's not what you say. No. I was like, well, you got to do something. And he's just like, no. I'm like, well, you can't commission me for a while. I was like, that's not how it works.

I'm like, wow, these guys are a piece this guy's a piece of shit you fired him of course yeah these things happen how do you like it no it was really uh that was like a classic you know it's a bad gig at a casino when they won't put you up in the casino oh good yeah not even they're not even giving you a hotel room yeah what kind of deal do they have like how much are they shaving off the top they can't comp you a fucking room right you know because you work a good casino like they take care yes oh yeah casinos are that's the hospitality business totally you go to vegas like you won't get better service than vegas you ever take that deal where they're like, we'll pay you in chips?

Don't take it. No, what? I heard they do that, right, Mark? They do it, but they're talking about lays. Sorry, I'm in joke mode. Hand you a bag of Fritos, you can't catch a fucking break. Jesus Christ. But, you know, we were talking about the South Philly plays, the Creole plays. You know what New York has that I worry is going away is the diners.

You guys got these hole-in-the-wall shitbox diners, the greasy spoon. They're so good. I love a greasy spoon. They're dropping like flies. I feel like they're not around as plentiful. The flies are in the omelet. No, I love a greasy spoon. I love a good, like, something about, like, an omelet on i love uh i love a greasy spoon i love a good like something about like an omelet

on the road to or like two eggs and bacon or like or like you know just fucking crispy ass hash brown yeah a cup of coffee sit there all day read the paper we go to la boboniere on uh on hudson and it's it's gotta be a health violation in there. But it's so good. Best feeling ever is when you're like a regular at a diner and the guy will just come out like, I know what you would like. Yes. Yes, we have that guy, Paco. I know what you like. Marco. Marco.

Feels good to be seen. Yes, it does. But I like that breakfast all day and then I'm open late, which doesn't happen anymore. I feel like COVID gave people an excuse to be like, no, we're closing at 10. Right. And any Starbucks and any hotel, it's like never. Never open. It's like we're open from 9, 10 to 9.

To like 2 p.m. How about every fucking road coffee shop? They're like, we close at 2. And you're like, people like coffee after 2. Yes. People work at night. Why wouldn't you put one person there just to make the money? Say we all bought Hampton Inn.

They got coffee around the clock in the lobby. You can take as much as you want. You take 10 cups if you want. When I'm feeling bad, I use a little bit of that hazelnut creamer.

I'm a real fucking piggy. You're living. A little French vanilla. Oh, that's what killed Kirstie Alley. And the cheese. Cheese cake. Cheese cake.

You ever had like a 7-Eleven and you just fucking dumped that almond joy creamer in there? at Kirstie Alley. And the cheese. Cheesecake. Cheesecake. You ever had like a 7-Eleven and you just fucking dumped that almond joy creamer in there? Oh. It's just straight sugar. It's all sugar. It's like oil and sugar.

Yeah, I'm just like, oh, I want a coffee. I want to be an adult. And then you're like, let's put some cake batter creamer in there. See, that's what the diners are leaving

and the 7-Elevens are taking over. 7-Elevens are bad. They're terrible. I mean, it's tough, too. I feel like they didn't come in for the diners. They came in for those corner stores. Yeah, yeah.

Right. Classic. Also, how many fucking vape shops? I know. I hate the vape. It's literally like, I don't feel like people. Is vaping going to be forever? Is that a thing?

I guess it will be. I think it's cheap overhead and they make money. But yeah, I hate them. They're everywhere. And they got the neon lights flashing. It's a new bong store, I guess. It used to be the pipes. And then also then there's a bunch of if the screen is broken on your phone stores.

Yes, yes. Broken screen store? I don't even know. This is a great podcast. Three aging white guys don't like change. And you know what else I don't like that's changing? You know what really grinds my gears? They should have finished that wall.

That's really what this is turning into. All right, we got to wrap this up before this turns into a 60 Minutes. Mickey Rooney. You got some dates to plug in? Yeah, I have two big ones, which is Rosemont, Illinois. Yeah. Good room. Please come out to that one.

I love that club. And Levity Live in Nyack. Nice. So those two dates. Palisades Mall, right? Yeah. So Nyack and Chicago. May 26th and 27th for Chicago.

June 8th through 10th at Levity Live. Nice. And please watch the special on YouTube, Mike Vecchio and the Attractives, and follow me on social media at ComicMikeV. I'm putting out content constantly. One of the best comics. Great joke writer.

And one of the best dudes as well. I really appreciate you guys having me on. I know I cold texted you, Sam, and I appreciate you really having me on like i know i cold uh texted you sam to uh and i appreciate you really having me on to hang out number one and to promote also one of the best comics since since i as long as i can remember prolific and uh and a fucking great dude so it's nice nice always nice when it's both a lot of people we have on here and they're funny but they're pieces of shit yeah you got that right successful rapist i don't first guy i ever saw at the cellar by the way i went to the cellar when i first moved

here and it was giraldo oh my god it was a tell it was you and norton that was a show and it was a banger and then somebody i can't remember somebody i think he's not doing anymore but you killed and i brought a friend. He was like, that guy who looked like a cop never stopped telling jokes. That's awesome. Because everyone else kind of, Geraldo was hammered. Right, right. And Norton fucked with a guy in the crowd.

But you just, boom, boom, boom. It was great. That's an insane lineup. Yeah. That's really fucking cool. Good times. When does this come out? May 21st.

Okay. All right. Before you do your dates, Sam, this comes out May 21st. Okay. All right. Before you do your dates, Sam, this comes out May 21st. What's your prediction on the playoffs? Let's see if it comes true. By the way, my prediction on the playoffs. Dude, you know I'm fucking. I know, but I want to hear how you think it's going to play out.

My prediction is I'm all in on the Knicks, baby. Always. Man, that's not a good prediction. I bet with my heart and I live by the fucking sword, brother. I don't think that makes sense. But you know what I'm saying, brother. This is going to be you on May 20th. Can't catch a break.

All right. So May, let's see. May or June 1st in Hampton Beach. Oh, New Hampshire. Yeah. Portland, Maine. Mashantucket, Connecticut. Don't know what that is.

It's a casino, I guess. Oh, Fox. There we go. Richmond, Virginia. Purley's, baby. Hey It's a casino, I guess. Oh, Fox. There we go. Richmond, Virginia. Purley's, baby. Hey, great diner. I'm heading to Purley's, my favorite Jewish spot. Great diner.

Yeah. Greensboro, Asheville, Charlotte. Knoxville, Memphis, Tennessee on June 9th. June 10th in Birmingham. June 11th in Chattanooga. 9th, 10th, 11th, three different cities. That's impressive. You had a bus? Three nights. We're on the bus for that one. June 13th in Chattanooga. 9th, 10th, 11th, three different cities. That's impressive. You get a bus?

Three nights. We're on the bus for that one. June 13th in Nashville. The rhyming is great. June 22nd. Oh, you're doing the rhyming? Yeah. Wow.

That's a beauty. One of the great venues in America. A late show added at the Paramount Theater on the 22nd. Also a great venue. Yeah. Santa Fe, San Antonio, Houston. You get the deal. Tickets at samorell.com slash shows.

And Bodega Cat. And I do believe, tell me if I'm wrong here, Mark, your comedy special is out? No. Not yet? Not yet. Not yet. I think July. Okay.

We got some time. And this is a special I directed for Stavros. It's about to hit a million views hell yeah wow stavros is on fire it's on youtube four nights in new york city nice one of the best one of our faves so funny uh and am i am i nick's brother now that janice got knocked out once the bucks lose stav is all in on the nick so there you you go. I'll be in this weekend when this comes out. I think I'll be in Austin doing that mothership. Nice.

I'm going to check that out. And then I'm going straight to Australia from there. Oh, my God. I'll see you in Sydney, Adelaide, Perth, Melbourne, New Zealand, Brisbane. Austin to Sydney. That's not a direct. No, it's going to be ugly. I'm coming back to New York, then flying out.

Oh, wow. But it's going to be a nightmare of a flight. But I'm staying there for a while. And we're adding shows like crazy. So jump on board. Get on it. Oy, oy, oy. And then announcing, by the time this comes out, I'll have my theater tour announced.

And we'll go from there. Doing all the big cities. See you in hell. Thank you, Mike. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. Yes. Doing all the big cities. See you in hell. Thank you, Mike. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. Yes. For your Bodega Cat. We're making moves.

By the way, I was just in Texas. I'm holding one up in the fucking liquor store. I saw it. Specs. How crazy is that? Amazing. It's in the store. Bought a couple bottles because I want them to know shit's going down.

Yeah. I want them to know product's moving. There you go. But, yeah. BeerJu, you got anything? BeerJu is in New York for a while. going down yeah i want them to know products moving there you go but uh yeah beer jew you got anything beers you is in new york for a while come see me at good room brooklyn and greenpoint hell yeah i'll be here for a while until i go to australia as well oh okay well there you go all right sally thank you peters queef it up we love you Peters. We love you all at home. Thank you for listening and tell a friend.

There you go. Keep drinking. Sunday's the day for my next bender. A bit of Piverec, you know the beer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon and Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope and I get down in the same way. We'll be right back. Like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true