We Might Be Drunk - Ep 130: Lemongrass Margarita

Episode Date: June 5, 2023

Get ready for a hilarious and unfiltered episode of "We Might Be Drunk" with your favorite hosts Mark Normand and Sam Morril! This week, they take you back to the roots of the show with no guest, diving headfirst into a wild ride filled with news stories, bits, and more laughter than you can handle. Join the conversation and share the laughter with these hashtags: #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #ComedyPodcast #NewsStories #BitsAndLaughs #BackToTheRoots #LaughOutLoud Visit Mark Normand's website at marknormandcomedy.com for more hilarious content and updates on his upcoming shows. Check out Sam Morril's website at sammorril.com to stay in the loop with his latest comedy specials and live performances. And now, to leave you with a dirty joke: Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Get ready to laugh till it hurts as they dive into news stories, deliver hilarious bits, and keep you entertained from start to finish. Don't miss out on this episode that captures the essence of "We Might Be Drunk." Cheers to laughter and a fantastic podcast experience! Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ Support the show &; get 20% off & free shipping at https://www.SheathUnderwear.com promo code DRUNK Support the show and get up to 34% off some sweet new metal art with the code DRUNK at: https://displate.com/wmbd?art=6247414ceddb3 Cancel unwanted subscriptions &; manage your money at https://www.rocketmoney.com/DRUNK  

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The best. Yo, yo. Hey, hey, folks. We're back. We might be drunk. And it's just us. Ah, finally. I know.

All these fucking guests. Dead weight, I call them. Yeah, dude. Fuck them. All these fucking guests. Dead weight, I call them. Yeah, dude. Fuck them. Yeah. And Sally. Speaking of dead weight, Salicu's is here. But no, it's good to see you, buddy.

Hey, good to be back. Just us. Just us. We can be alone. So much to talk about. Yeah. You've been on the road for years. A year.

You too. That's true. We don't have lives. No, I like it. I like the road. Me too. You know, no i like it i like the road me too you know people like oh the road must be so hard i'm like i'm in a hotel room eating ice cream naked yeah it's great what the hell am i complaining about i love the road you can eat ice cream naked at home ah i got a wife you know that might turn her off a little or Or turn her on, but you sleep in.

I got an ice cream rack for you, motherfuckers. Oh, okay. Jenny's? No, that's a good one. All right. Ben & Jerry's churro flavor. Whoa. Cinnamon ice cream, dude. It's like 1,200 calories per pint.

What is it? It's mad good. All right. Trey for churros. Yeah. Damn. That's a good one, dude right i'm down yeah i'll tell you i gotta i gotta you want to talk sweets i'm eating puffins daily you read puffins they're good yeah it's so good cereal yeah yeah it's so good trader joe's always yes peanut butter get the peanut butter you'll you'll jizz i like the, yeah, I love peanut butter cereal.

Dude, I was in the supermarket. Hadn't been there in a while. And there's some ice cream brand. I'm in Texas. There's some ice cream brand where all the people on it are special needs. And it took me a second. I was just, you know, they're all on the cover. And I kind of just hold one up.

I was like, oh, I think everyone on here is special needs. And a guy walking by without even breaking goes, yeah, and if you eat it, you'll turn into one of them. Didn't even break. That's pretty good. Yeah, it was a drive-by zinging. Yeah, I love those. Wait, why are there special needs people? Because they give money to give special needs people employment.

It's a good cause, but you know. I mean, the guy's got a point because you look at the underwear commercials or the underwear ad, and it's a good cause it's but you know i mean the guy's got a point because you look at the underwear commercials or the underwear ad it's always a ripped guy you don't turn into them you don't turn to them i guess you're right so you're not going to turn into that guy either yeah special needs so yeah you're fine to eat howdy yeah it looked good actually birthday cake flavor all that love birthday cake anything holy shit oh yeah love that birthday cake good flavor uh i had a fudgy the whale last night yeah you ever had that no is it good it's a it's an ice cream i know it is i don't think i've had it no i never had it either i'm from the south and it

was amazing blew my mind yeah dude fudgy the whale there he is look how cute you guys like ginger ale yeah sure not the people just the food um i'm joking we do like him you know this was a local cookie puss cookie puss that's great got a dick on his nose oh yeah and a puss in his name yeah good for him that's it that is a dick nose for sure i think they knew what they were doing yeah so i was just in montana speaking of And a puss in his name Yeah Good for him That is a dick nose For sure I think they knew What they were doing Yeah

So I was just in Montana Speaking of the road Never been It's beautiful out there It's a bitch to get there But Did Bozeman And Great Falls

We go to the hot springs That's like their thing there It's just It's freezing cold It's mountains But they have these hot Kind of ponds You can sit in And it's so nice like a hot tub and uh after you get in the hot springs you go into the shower and some guy goes i'm talking to my friend in the shower and he goes

you sound familiar and i go oh yeah i'm with a naked guy and i'm like oh i thought this was some gay code and i was like oh yeah yeah and he goes i don't have my glasses on but you sound like a comedian i know and he was like doing the squint like the he had no glasses on and i was like yeah yeah i'm a comedian and he goes uh yeah i don't know what your name is but i like this comedian and we got to talking He didn't know it was me, but he knew my voice because he couldn't see me. That's crazy. So it was like a great moment.

Was it a steam room? So it's like cloudy? Cloudy. That's so cool. I was talking to my friend in the steam room. He was like, you sound familiar. And I was like, oh, it's not me. It's not me.

And I was like faking it. And he was like, man, you sound just like this comedian I know. And then he goes, this guy Mark Norman. I go, he go he's good he's good i'm like blowing myself up and then eventually i told him better to be recognized by your voice than your dick true that's uh no that's crazy man so i that happened to me i was actually at a knicks game and uh with stav and both happened to. We got a few times we, you know, got stopped,

but one of the guys grabs me, goes, I fucking love you. And he puts his arm around me and takes a picture. And he goes, thanks, Mark. And the guy did it to stop.

Do you walk by? And he goes, he goes, you man, Steve. You got some of the letters, right? Steve stuff.

Has he, have you ever gotten me? I've gotten you. I've gotten you. I've gotten you a couple times. Yeah, I get it like on social media. They're like, oh, this guy's so funny. I love Sam or whatever. I've gotten Mark a few times.

It's funny. Yeah. And also when I do Q&A, I go, shout out like a news story. They go, Sam Morrill. I get you too. That's a big one. Yeah. What do you say for me?

Because I never know what to say. I say he's dying of AIDS. All right. It's very hard to talk about. Yeah. What do you say for me? I say funny guy, big eyebrows. Because you got to say something silly.

Eyebrows. I got to pee for you. All right. I saw a guy describe someone recently as just a straight guy, just like a regular white straight guy. He goes, well, this person was a bundle of joy. I was like, what are you, a fucking chat bot? GBT? That's not how people speak.

Right. It felt like manufactured. Yeah. It didn't feel like an authentic thing to me. I don't like bundle of joy because people usually only use it sarcastically like you're a real bundle of joy that's how it should be used yeah it's a ridiculous calling a person sincerely a bundle of joy is insane it's insane yeah my p coach in fourth grade hated me and my mom came to pick me up one day and he goes excuse me miss is this your bundle of joy and she's like yeah and then he just shit on me in front of my mom for like five minutes it was brutal and my mom hated it

but uh that's the only time i heard someone refer to me as a bundle of joy and it wasn't good that's good yeah he was a dick how about you got any peeves uh yeah i got a couple actually because we haven't seen you in a while but uh how about this one? I got the guy who said... Hold on. I wrote these down. Hold on. Hold on. I got a few, too.

I want to make sure I don't forget. Because when I don't see you for a while, I like to write them down. Hold on. What do you got here, Sally? Sally's got some... I got a peeve here. Some plagiarism. A listener called in here.

Uh-oh. Hold on a second. Let me find it. Okay. Hold on. We're all looking find it. Okay, hold on. We're all looking at screens. Yeah, not good. Not good.

I got another pee for you while we're waiting. All right, please. I love when a giant beloved celebrity dies and someone will write it in their obituary. They go, I hope I'm remembered like this someday. You won't be. You won't be. Because if I outlive you, i'm writing one of the instagram posts and you ain't harry belafonte motherfucker okay yeah how much you earn it earn it we're not just

gonna talk about you like harry belafonte he's harry belafonte it's kind of like when you get to a crash with uh you're in the flight i'm playing with kevin hart it's kevin hart died and a bunch of other people exactly what do you got you got? Hold on. I can't find it. Sally, play your video. Okay. So I have a listener, a viewer called in a video peeve here. What am I like? You know what my Larry David moment is?

Is when people are in the passing lane and they're going as slow as everyone in the regular lanes. And they block the whole thing. And you can't get around because I like to, yeah, yeah, I got to move. And when I feel trapped, I go all Larry David on them. Thank you for calling in Brad P. Oh, that peeve stunk. That was Brad Pitt. All right.

Well, I'm glad to know he's a fan of the pod. Yeah, thank God you're handsome. It is funny to hear Brad Pitt be like, I'm like Larry David. You're not, really. Right. Oh, man. Larry David was at the Lakers game the other day. It's literally Nicholson, Larry David.

You're just like, man, two people I'd like to hang out with very badly. Of course. But Larry David the whole game just legs crossed. Just looks grumpy, Larry David, the entire time. By the way, it's so funny that so many of the big Lakers celebrities are Knicks fans. Oh, really? Larry David, Sandler. They're Knicks fans, baby.

Really? They're ours. They're New York people. Yeah. Well, I think Sandler was born in Brooklyn. His dad is a New York sports guy, so he's a New York sports guy. Uh-huh. So he's like Knicks, Jets, Yankees, Rangers. Uh-huh.

And Larry David, obviously, sheepshead big. Brooklyn, yeah. So there you go. Alright, hold on. I had my peeve. Give us a peeve! I'll tell you, we need a peeve, man. Oh, it was big. It's a good one. My peeve is when people don't write down their peeves. I know, I know. I got a million notes that I can't sift through. was big it's a good one my peeve is when people don't write down their peeves i know i know i got

a million notes that i can't sift through well one is uh i have a guy who always says exactly he says exactly to everything yeah but everything can't be exact so i'll be like uh i was late i got stuck behind some guy he's like oh exactly and i'm like no that doesn't make sense to what i said but he just says exactly every time so he'll be like you owe me two bucks and i'm like no that doesn't make sense to what i said but he just says exactly every time so he'll be like you owe me two bucks and i'll be like oh here's three is that all right he's like exactly i'm like that doesn't fit he says exactly for everything hitler killed six million jews exactly wasn't six million and one now by the way a lot of black uh down syndrome gay and uh gypsies yeah in the whole i was i was reading i was reading is that uh they did like they did these uh trials i believe about for you know like to when you

nuremberg the d not no the denazification they did like classes you would have to do it's not nuremberg it was like uh so people like hugo boss who manufactured Nazi uniforms, they do like, what level Nazi are you? And he had to pay a fine. He was a low-level Nazi, but the fine was for having slave labor. Wait, what? Which, guess what? Pick one. Yeah, wait a minute.

Don't be a Nazi and have slaves. It's kind of shitty. Whoa. Yeah. That's wild. Yeah. Slave labor. And his kids rebranded.

So his kids made Hugo Boss, you know, like 1948, like, you know, Nazi light. Well, that was the guys of the work camps. They called them work camps. They would have to work to help the German war engine. That was the idea. Yeah. So that they were slaves. Uh-huh.

Do you guys want employment for no money? Sounds like slavery. No, it's work. Right. You don't like work? It's amazing that Hugo Boss is still around because, you know, some guy shits in the ice cream thing at McDonald's. And we're like, all right, McDonald's is fucked. We got to shut it down.

I guess Subway is still going. Yeah. So I guess these re-branding. But Jerry wasn't the founder. True. Well, I guess Hugo Boss wasn't either. If Steve Subway was a child diddler. Or Bobby Blimpy.

Bobby Blimpy. But no, it's Puma and Adidas Nazi Party people. Puma! I know. I found out. I'm bummed. I fucking, I like Pumas. Coco Chanel, too.

Yeah, that's right right she blew a bunch of nazis apparently yeah i think she was just a collaborator ah that's enough yeah collaborate with nazis doing a collab collab i'm gonna send you a nazi request damn why isn't she canceled? She's dead. Yeah, but that doesn't stop other people. That's true. We got mad at John Wayne or whoever.

This smells fucking insane. Is it ginger cocktail? That's lemon grass ginger margarita. What the fuck? I hope you don't say that when you go down to your lady. This smells insane. I guess I'll bring something back from Southeast Asia, right? That's good.

I like to go down and go, your pussy is redonkulous. Should we collab? Say it again, what is it? Lemongrass ginger margarita. Like Thai? Yeah. That is incredible dude very nice boy you're on fire today yeah damn i guess i gotta bring something back to the trip right there you go besides the clap yeah

this is really fucking i'm not a big margarita guy admittedly i love how you make palomas i like i don't like sweet cocktails i like like i like like bitter i like like as sweet as i get is like a manhattan that's kind of as sweet as i'll go but you're in old fashion but like manhattan's not entirely sweet right i don't like sweet drinks really i drink like if i drink like non-alcohol it's like seltzer i'm not yeah i had an opener this way and getting those blue drinks like those blue hawaiis and i was like, no. How old is this opener? He was about 23. And I was like, you got to grow up, man.

You got to grow up and be a real alcoholic. Yeah. No, I see a blue drink. I'm like, fuck that. It always cracks me up when you're at a comedy club and they can't make a proper cocktail. But they'll be like, we can do a yellow gummy bear. I'm like, you can't do a fucking Negroni. I know.

And the amount of sweet drinks going out. I see the bar lady making all the... It's like espresso martini with the chocolate rim. But the espresso martini is not chocolate rim, but straight up espresso martini is pretty fucking good. Oh, I've never had one. You don't think those are good... Uh-oh.

His mic's not on. Did we lose all of it? Yeah. Ah. Muted. I've never had an espresso martini. So they're pretty good. Was that all not usable?

No. Just say three lady boys into the mic and we'll just use that. Three lady boys. Three lady boys. Three lady boys. We, uh. Yeah, I was making martinis over the weekend, man. Just like a fun.

Just make a fun martini, man. Throw some blue cheese olives in that shit. If that's what you're into, absolutely. Do you not like that? I don't like blue cheese olives in my martinis.'s what you're into absolutely do you not like that i don't like blue cheese olives my martinis what do you like how about a jalapeno olive i love a jalapeno you know what's really good uh uh pickled banana pepper that's really good martinis fantastic interesting uh but the blue do you do the banana pepper do you do the banana pepper uh juice as well a little yeah. I'll do a little bit of the juice. That sounds amazing. The only thing for me with the blue cheese

is that if you add any... I'll do the normal olive brine and then put the blue cheese olives on top because otherwise it gets oily, which isn't a good feel in your mouth. It's funny. I was just shitting on comedy club cocktails, but Hilarity's in Cleveland

used to do a banana pepper martini that was outstanding really hilarity's like a classy club you know it's never heard of that it's a really good drink and not a lot of people do it it's very good yeah i like that i like i mean i was a lot of like at home drinks i had i had a lot of people try bodega cat over the weekend and they and they loved it hell yeah yeah. People were loving Bodega Cat. Get a bottle. It's online. Yeah, a lot of old fashions, Manhattans, you know. Nice. Straight up.

Keep them coming. I wish it was on the shelves. In New York. Well, hopefully, maybe by now it will be. Maybe. This might not come up for a while, so. Praying to God. Any other peeves? Ah, I can't remember my peeve.

I had a good one, and I had it today. It'll come to me. It was something with the wife. The wife is a peeve factory. A peeve cave. I think I've mentioned this before. Two thing women like being called. Peeves and caves.

Well, she does the thing where she'll talk in the other room. She'll be like, can you believe blah blah blah? And I'm like, I'm in the other room. She'll be like, can you believe blah, blah, blah? And I'm like, I'm in the other room. Yes, this is bullshit. This is bullshit. You know this? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So then I'm like. She expects you to hear what she's saying. What? What? And she's like, are you listening to me? And I'm like, well, you got to come in here. And then I end up going in there for her dumb story. And I'm like, you want me to hear this?

You come in here. So now we're fighting. We have two rooms. It's a New York apartment. And she's never come in either of those rooms. That's true. Well, yeah, that's, there's something about that, like the talk in the other room, like come here.

There's something fucking annoying about that. Oh, yeah. It's tough. It is hilarious when you see people that have been together for a long time just fight over shit that has nothing to do with that actual like my parents will do that sometimes we're like we were driving and my parents were driving to my sister's place in brooklyn and my parents just it's that thing with my dad we had the car and he's like there's no parking here my mom's like what he goes there's no parking here and i'm like could have maybe just tried it one more time yeah yeah they might

have been there might be something else that led into this. There's underlying issues there. That preceded this, yeah. Well, one good moment is my lady will just leave everything open. Like, she leaves the cupboards open. She'll go in and get the puffins and then leave it wide open. So they just get stale. So I go, hey, hey, you got to close this.

They're going to get stale. Do you hate me? Are you inconsiderate? What is it? Why can't you just close it? And she's like, I didn't think about it. I'm like, I know, but it's inconsiderate. And so I was like, that's mean.

Then I came back later and she had her shit open. So she does it to her shit too. So I apologized. Because I was like, oh, you're just out to lunch. You're not doing it to spite me. You're just doing. Oh, you thought it was an attack on you. Well, not really an

attack but like hey i ate your shit but i i don't respect you so i left it open oh wow i don't think she would do that to you i know i know but after telling her like hey you got to stop leaving this open all my shit's getting stale i thought she might stop doing it but she didn't so i was like oh this is just you're doing it to spite me but she does to her shit too so i was like all right you hate yourself we're good so that that was a peeve but i realized she does it to her own stuff so i felt better what i got one yeah what do you got people who pretend to be hurt uh the victimhood yes remember that kid growing up you'd be like you were really young you're playing soccer and you get hit very lightly but he would go down like he just got fucking hit by lawrence taylor yes oh yeah yeah when i'm really hurt i'm like i'm okay i'm okay that's when i'm

really hurt that's when you know i'm really hurt when i'm like no it's okay good point when i when people like fall down after they get like you know shouldered by a bicycle yeah like call an ambulance it's like get the fuck up right good point when you're really hurt you fake it exactly when you're not hurt you fake it yeah you fake it salicus hit the dude with his car he's like oh fuck you you pussy jesus christ oh yeah stacy my wife she stubbed her toe on something that i just left laying around and she was like, really? You got to milk it. Milking it.

And Matt was like, I'll fucking show you pain. Jesus Christ. You think that hurts? Get Miss Pat in here. So she's like, and then I was like, I'm sorry you stubbed your toe. Like, this is the most I can do. And she was like, you're not sorry. You just think I'm playing it up.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I think you're playing it up. Projecting. just think I'm playing it up. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I think you're playing it up. Projecting. She knew she was playing it up. So she called you on it. So you'd have to deny it.

Yeah. You'd have to delete all those beaters. No, no, no. It's staying in. Did she listen? No, she didn't listen. All right. They'll be using the trial of Salacuse versus Salacuse. Yeah.

I think my lady has a podcast. So she's like, I'm not listening to your podcast. I got my own podcast. Oh, that's great. Yeah. I've dated women who listen to me on podcasts, and it's like they just come up with fights with shit I said on the podcast. Ah, that's hilarious. And I'm just like, oh, so now I got to be cautious?

I don't want to be cautious on a podcast. Right, right. I mean, I'm drunk. I have to be drunk and be like, was that a bad thing to say and we're already worried about the internet now i gotta worry about you coming at me she was you said something bad in the podcast i was like yeah i might have been drunk yes that's the name of the podcast why we named it that it's a disclaimer lady exactly yeah it's uh it's like i have to fight all black twitter and you. Yeah, right.

It's a thing. Sometimes people will do that when they listen to your pod, especially early in the relationship. They want to hear you on pods, stuff like that, and you're like, ooh, this could be a problem. Oh, yeah.

I don't think I'm that bad on pod, but at the same time. I think you're the voice of reason. Yeah. Mostly. That's a nice one on here. But every once in a while, every once in a while,

you say shit you're not thinking. You're like, hey, I'm just trying to be. The intent is always the joke. Of course. You know? Of course. But it is kind of crazy. I can't imagine ever listening to a woman, like I'm dating on a podcast and just being

like, we need to talk. No. I am a little upset with something you said. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think we're wired differently. I think women are like oh he's on this podcast i'll listen i'll learn more about him whereas we're like i'd like

to not learn about you you know i don't know your stuff and what you've done mark's like i was hoping you would speak less i would never seek out extra talking i mean this is crazy i would have to learn in person and get to know you let's meet let's hang out absolutely i mean strong silent type joke give us oh yeah it's an old job i can't remember the the premise is basically like a woman is allowed to say i want a strong silent type but a guy can't be like i like a woman who talks very little you know something like that shut the fuck up is what you said yeah there you go shut the fuck up yeah that's that's the right punch right there that's good i mean there's something about... It's a double stand. Also, it's not like I don't get bothered in relationships.

I just try to say like, hey, this didn't make me feel good. Like, just be quick. And then I say, okay. I go, okay, we're good. That's it. Just don't do it again. That's it. Yeah.

Why do we need to draw it out and make a whole fight about it? Just don't do it again. Yeah. I mean, another one is people who are like like this is kind of a peeve where uh it's always people who like think therapy is a sham who i'm like you kind of need it oh every time you know what i mean i'm not saying everyone needs it but it does feel like the people who are the most just adamantly against it i'm like you should do it yes you know what i mean there you get the people they're like i gave it it a shot. It didn't work.

I'm like, I can tell. It didn't work. I can tell it didn't take. It's like the people who on the street say, like, don't tell me how to raise my kids. They're the ones that need to know how to raise your kids. Raise them. Good point. So true.

Get Miss Pat in here. Also, why can't people tell you how to raise your kids? You're horrible at it. I was watching an old Mad Men episode where one of the kids is running around recklessly and it's like season one and another dad

slaps him in the face and you think that kid's dad is gonna be like don't do that but he's like you see you should behave you were allowed

to hit other people's kids back then oh yeah I got hit by other parents I think that's fucking awesome I think we should bring that I think strangers should's fucking awesome. I think we should bring that. I think strangers should be allowed to hit. I think we should be on a flight.

The kids are like, wah, I should be able to smack them around a little. It's like outsourcing. Yeah. Getting this pad in here. Yeah. So you got hit by other parents? Oh, yeah. I mean, I didn't get beat up, but it would be like, hey, stop that.

I was like, it's very jarring when you get hit by another parent because you're like, I don't know how to feel. You know? When you get hit by your own mom, you're like I was like, it's very jarring when you get hit by another parent because you're like, I don't know how to feel. You know? When you get hit by your own mom, you're like, fuck you, mom. But when you get hit by someone else's parent, you're like, I'm going to come. Yeah. My first direction. Woo.

Now I need to get my balls stomped on by a stranger. That's how it starts. How about those Wall Street guys? They love getting the balls stomped on. Yeah, what is that? Like you're dominant in real life and the sub in the sack? Is's how it starts. How about those Wall Street guys? They love getting the ball stomped on. Yeah, what is that? You're dominant in real life and the sub in the sack? Is that how it goes? That's cliche, but is that real?

It must. I mean, I don't think. I can't say it's always real. My guess is they're the guys who can pay for it. And so we hear about it. Well, they're so powerful that they have to flip it. Well, you think they feel guilty for all the money they're making and the way they're're making it and they're like let me pay someone to stomp on my nuts a little bit i'll keep making the money but i do i should get my kit my nuts stomped there's something to

that stomping on everyone else's nuts yes yeah yes i think it's the same way like the super trillionaire millionaire is like this big uh charitable guy because he kind of feels guilty about how much money he has so he's like here let me put a bunch in the charity it was like the wolf of wall street guys i got my money by you were ripping off a bunch of people let me have a prostitute just punch me in the face a few times you know yeah it's guilt it's probably guilt and something like subconscious you know yeah i've never had that urge i've never made any money i've never had that urge either i've made a few bucks but i've never been like i needed i get enough shit all day i don't mind like a tease like a woman like kind of like a hint of insult, a little hard

to get, but like not like humiliation. That to me is like- Duh. Humiliation is like, I get enough of that at work. Exactly. You know? A new material. I'll just go back to Toledo.

I'll tell you. Rough crowd. I was just there, and it wasn't pretty. Oh my God. Brutal. Neither of the people, I'll tell you. Rough city. I timed it.

Check spot took 40 minutes. 40? 40? My act was 55. So it's a 15 minute non-check. Brutal. I timed it. What were you, the funny bone?

Yeah. Yeah, that one I've had some rough ones there. Oh yeah. Toledo's just not a good place. It's a bummer. The good thing is you can call out how shitty it is and how much it sucks there, and they're like, we know, we know. No, I bet it'd be more fun now. I played there a good amount coming up, and I was like, man, I am fucking bombing.

I remember playing a club there once, and it was called Laughs Inc., L-A-F-F-S. I've heard of this place. Yeah, didn't last long. And I was the last comic ever to perform there. Yeah, you got the last laughs. If you squeeze that together, it's Laughs Inc. Why would they make that? It's Laughs Inc.?

Laughs Inc. Like Laughs Incorporated. I know, but if you... Oh, okay. I spelled it wrong. There you go. So I remember getting to the airport after this guy drove me there, and I was like, oh, you know, thanks for having me, whatever.

Tough weekend, but, like, thanks. They were nice enough. And I got to the airport. My manager at the time was like, did you cash the check yet? And I was like, I'm at the airport. What do you mean, did I cash the check? He goes, cash it immediately. And I was like, what?

He goes, they're done. So I remember, like, texting the guy, like, dude, I'm so sorry. And he goes cash it immediately and i was like what he goes they're done so i remember like texting the guy like dude i'm so sorry and he goes about what and i was like i'm not fucking i'm not gonna be the one to break the news jesus christ whoa i've heard a walk in our room i've never heard of closing i closed it holy shit i closed that room down wow yeah last i almost wish we had like some of the footage from the early days just to see how we handled some of that shit because some of those guys i mean i don't want to watch it but everyone part of me like the masochist in me wants to see it a little bit yeah for sure because you do get some

moments in those rooms because they're you your back is against the cliff and you're this young comics you just pull every sword out of your or every tool out of your tool belt trying trying to get them over and anything. And it's ugly. And the beauty of those rooms, though, the one shining light is that there's no stakes. And there's no comics there to judge you. So you can just hack it up, fuck with a guy, call a lady a coos, or call that guy a douche, and get away with it.

Yeah. It's in the middle of nowhere. Oh, I remember saying shit where I'm like, ooh, I'd be in trouble if anyone of any importance was in this it. Yeah. It's in the middle of nowhere. Oh, I remember saying shit where I'm like, ooh, I'd be in trouble if anyone of any importance was in this room. Exactly. Just going, I remember doing prom shows and like, holy shit, if there's video footage of these, the shit I was saying to these kids,

like, you're just like, oh boy. Oh, for sure. Remember when Tosh got in trouble for that rape joke and he's like, I hope you get raped right now. And it got a big laugh and it went on the news and he got in tons of trouble. I was like, man, I said that on Thursday in Youngstown. Mark wasn't even on stage.

He said it to a woman at the mall. I was talking to a Girl Scout. But yeah, a lot of... Yeah, I mean, it's just really... You deal with so many just rude pieces of shit that of course you snap. course it's if you didn't snap that's the person i'm worried about because they're holding it in and they're gonna murder a fucking person at some point yeah richards was right let's finish it up yeah yeah i think he

did nothing wrong and now that was that's not how you handle it obviously but uh damn, what's the funniest screamer? So somebody said something to me today. They said, COVID killed some cities. And I said, well, which ones? He said San Francisco. Oh, no. Come on. I was just there. It's great. It's great? Yeah. It seems like it's falling apart. Getting a lot of bad press.

A lot of it's the media, dude. It's like, here's my issue with it. It's like, I think a lot of it's like the media. Like, they want you to think it's a good story like yeah sure like california government has been atrocious but i think a lot of it's a good people did this with new york new york's dead it's not fucking dead shut the fuck up like yeah we got some problems but every city has problems every major densely populated city has problems but you see it with the media where, like, the Cash App guy gets murdered. Oh, yeah. You can see how badly they wanted it to be a crazy homeless person.

Totally. No, guess what? No, it was some fucking dude that he knew. Yeah, he was dating some dude's girl and the guy, a sister. So that guy killed him for dating a sister. But they really were trying to tee it up like, I guess this city's gone to hell. A guy got murdered. And you're like, no.

I didn't know that. No. Yeah, somebody knew. And look, I think San Francisco is a great city. So I hate when that shit is – I hate when people are like, this city's dead. Shut up. Cities go through stretches. You know what I mean?

Like, it's a great city. Well, I think the real test – I didn't know that about the cash app guy that's crazy the real test is how many people are leaving i think when people are like really exodus on a city that's a sign because i don't live in a lot of people a lot of people left new york i mean there was a mass exodus for sure here but you know but guess what new young people come here and that's okay some, you want to move to the suburbs, move to the fucking suburbs. You were probably going to move there anyway. You just probably moved there five years earlier because of COVID. Good point.

And the problem with New York, when COVID hit, New York, the city is what you're paying for. You're paying for all the restaurants and the nightlife and the energy and all the people. So when the city shuts down, you're're like all i have is this tiny apartment i don't get the whole city and i'm paying out of the yin yang for all this fucking this tiny apartment and the groceries are expensive so i get why people it's like fucking a girl like you're dating her but she's got a bad personality and then she's like no more sex you're like i gotta get out exactly that's what it's like great analogy yeah perfect i'll tell you the sex stopped in here. Do we have any good emails?

Yeah, we got a few. Well, do you want to do news stories first? Oh, yeah. We got news. Oh, yeah. Bring on the news. Disregard. Fake news.

The news will not replace us. All right. Here we go. This smells so good, too, by the way. Yeah. When you crush up the lemongrass it just lets out all the aromas that's like unreal very nice the thing is like if you have this stick you put it in your nose you don't smell anything but you crush it up everything comes out it activates it yeah that is

like one of the best drinks i've ever had i'm not a margarita margarita guy at all it's like when your uh toilet clogs if you let it sit, the smell will go away. But right when you flush it, it activates it. That's exactly how I like to think about my drinks, dude. I clog every toilet on the road. So it's like just after I take a number two. I'm going to put that on the next menu.

Thank you. Poop, poop, platter. You know when you drop a deuce? In the We Might Be Drunk recipe book the we might be drunk that's the highlight all right so um new york 3-1-1 that's our non-emergency hotline is there to log complaints about noises or rats but it's also uh has been there to field some bizarre requests like uh can you check if my boyfriend is married? Someone asked that. Ooh, I like it. Please transfer me to a UFO-ologist.

And then one caller asked to be talked through the steps of boiling a live chicken, while another wondered if they can claim their dog on their taxes. Wow, the taxes is not bad. Yeah, it's interesting. That's a good idea. Because it is a- Dependent? Well, it lives with you. It's a roommate who's not paying rent.

So I guess that is kind of dependent. You feed it. You house it. You medical it. You play with it. I'm going to guess that person was a Jew. The chicken person was Haitian. And there's a new game show.

And they- Oh, I love Drunk Sam. What was the other one? Sorry. Ufologist. Sorry, that guy's a psycho. We know that. Oh, my God.

And can you check if my boyfriend is married? That one I get. Yeah, but that's not for 311. That's like, again, it's rats. You've got to hire like a PI. Yeah, connect me to a PI. A PI. That's what a PI does. I feel like that's most PI jobs hire like a pi connect me to yeah connect me to a pi a pi that's what that's what like a pi does they're like they i feel like that's most pi jobs you just like rang that's you

know yeah can't check social media for that this is what sucks about being a lady is there's so many man lies well i bet a lot of men have if you are the type of dude you do that you probably like a private ah true true yeah there's so many dudes out there who because they say women want the top one percent of guys and so all the other guys are getting getting nothing so like the top 10 of men like the successful tall good-looking uh cool guys are getting all the pussy so i think a lot of guys have to lie and a lot of the guys who are already married who are in the 10 still want to fuck other chicks so they have to start a whole new profile does that make sense the other guys aren't getting

laid so i feel like the women are going after the same guys who are already married because that guy's in the 10 interesting yeah, yeah. See what I'm saying? I mean, it's one thing to be like, this guy I'm seeing, is he married? My boyfriend, is he married? That's fucking, that sucks. That's like, okay, you're in it, and you don't trust this person at all.

That fucking sucks. Yeah. I mean, that's like. That's tough. Can you imagine, like, how long is this dude disappearing for? That's what I want. Like, dude disappearing for? He's married? Yeah.

What the fuck are you doing? Yeah. What tipped it off that you're like, this guy's married? What was the clue? I love that you're calling it 301. There's too many rats in this city. Also, does this guy have a wife? Yeah.

Does he have another family? Yeah. If you ask me, she's the rat. Thanks. Okay. All right. A diner divides opinion? Okay.

A diner divides opinion. Am I reading this wrong? Diner divides opinion? Yeah, keep going. Okay. After putting banana on pizza. This sentence doesn't make sense. No, it makes sense.

Diner divides opinion. People are divided on if that's good or not probably, right? Yeah. Oh, I thought it was a place. This is a guy. I thought it was a diner. Okay, so it's a single guy. A guy divides opinion after putting banana on pizza.

People have been left miffed at the fact that the diner person has put banana on pizza. Sparking a debate about whether fruit actually belongs on it or not. People can't decide. I'm in the minority. I think pineapple and pepperoni, if you do it right, it can be really good. We went to this good place in L.A. We had it delivered to the venue, and it was like pineapple, jalapeno, pepperonioni was fucking great it was like a specialty pie i thought i i think pineapple can be good i know that's like some people think of faux pas but no the hawaiian hawaiian slice but i like pepperoni instead of ham oh interesting i'm with you on the

on the pizza but i don't like the pineapple but that that's just me. So I'm all for it. If other people like it, go for it. But I don't dig it. As long as the pineapple is in a circle slice and not the big chunks, I think that's the move. But banana I've never heard of. Banana's weird. Banana's no good. It's weird when you kind of are trying to be an innovator there, too.

I don't like it. Part of me, I know it's not, but part of me is like, are you just trying to get attention? Yeah. I talk about these people the way Republicans talk about trans people. I'm like, are you just trying to, what are you doing? Do you really feel that way? What are you doing?

Or are you just faking it for a little buzz online? I don't know. I think he's getting buzzed. This is a Dylan Mulvaney of pizza. This guy. Nobody wants banana on a pizza. I'm sorry. It sounds pretty gross, honestly.

Yeah, imagine biting into a warm, cheesy pizza with a banana on it, then getting some dough and tomato sauce with grease and banana. Get out of here. I'm not... It sounds pretty gross to me. And every once in a while,

I'll be shocked by flavor combos. Like, look, prosciutto and melon should not work. It's fucking good. There are some combos where you're like, okay, that's fucking good. But this one sounds a little, you know. A little suspect. Yeah. Buying gifts is hard, whether you're on the hunt for a present for Father's Day

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hiding under her bed thinking that the two felines thinking that the two felines may have been sleeping under her bed she reached underneath it

only to find her fingertips touching the human skin Dave terrified the 61 year old woman dialed 911 wait a minute is he dead

oh hold on. Okay, sorry. Still developing. The man who had been hiding under her bed crept out and then fled via the back door. Whoa. 25-year-old Christian Vatovec. They got him. He was later apprehended by police near a canal in the area.

He was found in possession of a digital camera and a gold ankle bracelet. Wow. And he got one of those fancy prison bracelets. Damn. That's fucking creepy. That is terrifying. That sucks because, like, I still, like, you know, everyone, you ever just check into a hotel and you, like, open the closet door?

Oh, yeah. You look into the, you know, the shower. You pull back the shower. Definitely. It sucks that, like like now this woman's gonna have to do that for the rest of her life like we really have to do that yeah wow she's gotta get a boyfriend this poor lady he's just a creep yeah it's weird you assume the worst like he's gonna try to kill you like thank god that didn't happen but it's just weird to see a dude

under your bed and he's just like all right right, bye. And he leaves. Yeah. Also, forget the cats. Get a Doberman. You got to have a dog around now. These cats apparently are just licking the guy, you know, while he's under the bed. Around 80 applicants responded to an unusual job advert. These must all be English, right, Peters? European. Okay.

A small advert searching for a cat chef. Okay. A small advert searching for a cat chef. The job description stated that the worker has to take care of the town's approximately 70 stray cats. The small town also erected a cat statue and added a feline to its emblem to rebrand itself as Russia's foremost cat-loving community. Okay. Well, that's the last ere direction going up in that town. But do you need a cat chef?

How about Prerina? Sheba? Meow Mix? We don't need a chef. Why are they eating this well? The strays? Yeah, put on a glass of milk. What did I say?

Man, you were really slipping, Salicus. He said chef. I'm dyslexic, and this is painful for me. We need a non-dyslexic Google page. What the hell?

We should have had that written in your job requirement here. By the way, I can't read. Jesus. That's fucking great cat chef that changes everything all right all right uh drunk man steals car and realizes he doesn't know how to drive

damn uh police noticed this strange behavior is this is this about me that's what i was thinking uh the police noticed strange behavior of a man sitting in a car parked in front of a cafe when asked to identify himself the man had no formal documents no driver's license no The police noticed strange behavior of a man sitting in a car parked in front of a cafe. When asked to identify himself, the man had no formal documents, no driver's license, no registrations for the vehicle that he was sitting in. He also exhibited signs of intoxication. Well, it'd be funny if it was you and then you're like, fuck, I'll get on a bike. Ah, shit. Can't do that either.

I'm kind of incompetent. I like vehicles. You're not going to vehicles. I'm not a big vehicle guy. I saw someone try to zing me like he's 36 and doesn't even have a driver's license. I've got a license. I just can't drive. That says more about our driving test in America. I charmed my way into my license.

There you go. I failed twice and the third time I go, please don't fail me. And she laughed and I passed. Oh, really? Yeah, it was terrible. But she found me funny. I was like, and the third time I go, please don't fail me, and she laughed, and I passed. Oh, really? Yeah, it was terrible, but she found me funny. I was like, all right. In Midtown? I was in the Bronx.

Whoa. I was like, please don't fail me. I've already failed twice, and I got a laugh at her. I was like, all right. That didn't work with my age test. I was like, please, I failed two. Okay, this is our last one. Thank God.

High school sophomore. How much of this are we actually keeping? I think half. Keep going. High school sophomore discovered to be over 30 years old. Whoa. Charity Ann Johnson attended Texas High School. What's going on in Texas?

For eight months after enrolling as a 15-year-old sophomore. Damn, she must look good. Pull her up. Here we go. Can we see what Charity Ann Johnson looks like? This is like a bad 80s movie. You know, hey, I'm going back to school. I got to learn my squared roots.

Oh, there she is. Yeah, she looks young. Not in the mugshot jesus christ that's she aged a lot from one to two right there yeah holy shit you rarely see people look good in a mugshot true yeah gary bucey yeah not a good james brown you think of the mugshots yeah nick nolte nick nolte that's what i'm thinking not gary bu Yeah. Nick Nolte. Nick Nolte, that's what I'm thinking, not Gary Busey. Nick Nolte's is rough.

He's got a Hawaiian shirt on. Pull up Nick Nolte's mug shot if you can. Oh, sorry. Salicuse's mug shot. Brutal. Yeah, and he looks rough. He's in a Hawaiian shirt.

His hair is all out of place. Easy. I hear he's dyslexic. Yeah, weird bass breast shirt. I think he's dyslexic. Yeah, weird best breast. I think he's rather handsome. Are you kidding? He was a handsome guy.

Yeah, he was. Look at that. He looks like hell, this crazy hair. Jesus God. That's the movie as he goes back to school. I'm a second grade student everyone's like what second grade

fucking Gary Busey's in second grade I used to get that mixed up just remake Billy Madison with Gary Busey it's the R rated Billy Madison you got any bits you're working on yeah let's do some bits. Let's redeem this shit.

We're going to have to cut a lot of that, man. That was fucking rough. We got to look at those before, I think. I think so, yeah. We didn't have Becky Owen here with the paper. What is this shit right here? It's spicy. No, this on the rim? Oh, that's saheem.

Saheem. Got to put this on my lady's ass. Yeah. It's like a little chili salt. Woo. Woo. Oh, you wrote them down on like fucking by hand? I always go hand.

I have them too, but I put them on my phone also. I have to email myself. I got some real bad takes, some bad ideas, some half-assed, half-baked thoughts. Yeah, what do you got? All right. Is this anything? Yeah. I was watching the NFL draft.

You know, fun seeing these young guys, you know, their whole dreams are coming true. But wouldn't it suck if the NFL draft was like the military draft where they just recruited randos? Like, if your number got called, like, hey, sir, I know you're a 5'8", 150-pound gamer, but you're playing for the Browns. You got drafted. I don't know if that sucks. I think that'd be hilarious.

That's how it should work. That would be fun. Yeah, I think that's how we should do the – actually, they have to take one guy that's horrible and play him every game. Yes, yes. And he's like, whoa, I can't play. You got to do it for your country.

You got to guard Odell Beckham for one possession. Yes, yes. You're on the Patriots. Yeah, I think that's funny. All right. I can't remember if it was a comedian or something not like that. But he was like, to make baseball interesting, you know how you have the ceremonial first pitch? He goes, I think that should count.

I think you should have Danny DeVito throwing out the first pitch. Oh. And then Fernando Tatis hits it for a home run. Who is that? I don't know. Oh, that's funny. I think it's, man, you know what a great joke back in the day Dwayne Perkins had a joke about in the playoffs. The guys always come on like, this is all about who doesn't want to go home.

And he's like, what's about more than that? You've got to be talented. Like if you take the Oakland Raiders and put them up against a bunch of abused abused kids those kids don't want to go home that's a great joke that's great yes that's a fucking great bit um all right nfl draft all right i'll keep it then you think there's something there legs yeah halfy halfy okay i got something about an idea about uh like these bakeries who won't make uh wedding cakes for gay weddings. Oh, yeah. I just think it's like funny to like you spend your whole life like you're making sweets and you're just hateful.

Like your entire day you're in the back room with like frosting and sugar and pastries. You're just back there like, you know what fucking pisses me off? You know, I think there's something about that. It's like the gayest occupation in the world. That's what it's like it's like a very like it should be like a happy it's like being an anti-semite and you just like work in a toy store or something right it's just weird yeah yeah definitely i don't know yeah mate you're making cakes for a living yeah and it's weird to be like i'm in love with with this guy. Like, eh, that's a little too far. Yeah.

You make red velvet. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's not natural. Neither is red velvet. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? You have rainbow sprinkles. You're right there.

You're so close to gay weddings. Yeah, rainbow sprinkles. I hate the rainbow. That's the color of your sprinkles. Yeah, yeah, there you go. Fuck the rainbow. Yeah, that's something there. You're already packing fudge.

Okay. Ooh, there we go. Fuck the rainbow. Yeah, that's something there. You're already packing fudge. Okay. Ooh, there we go. Okay. Yeah, well, they can stop you from selling it, but they can't stop you from deep-throating a Claire in front of them if you go in there. All right, I don't know. What do you got? All right, is this anything?

So my lady's always giving me shit. She's like, you don't listen, you don't listen. And she's right. I'm not a good listener when she's telling a story. But she doesn't listen during movies. Every movie watch is like, who's he again? Why are they fighting? And I'm like, I don't listen to you, but you don't listen during movies. And at least with movies, we can pause it. I wish I could pause her and be like, hold on. I got to let me rewind this part's boring i'll fast forward and then she's like so i uh i got no fight with my friend at work and i'm like i've seen this one that's the punchline then maybe maybe she goes and you go oh fuck this i'll just watch it tomorrow oh yeah yeah exactly uh yeah i'll binge yeah oh yeah you you say oh i binged i binged this show i would never binge your stories yes i don't

be like i can't wait for the next one right right and i know you have that woody allen joke that's a classic joke about like i was dating a girl and she came home and she's like uh she keeps talking i'm trying to watch annie hall and she goes are you ignoring me during annie hall and i was like was your story nominated for seven academy awards great joke yeah So I didn't want to get too close to that. No, I think you're fine. But I think, yeah, the remote thing. I would never binge your stories. There's something like about like, yeah, it's also like I've heard your stories.

That's the other thing. It's like. I hate reruns. Yeah. That was another joke I had. It's about like, you know, when you walk in, you're like, you're passing a store and you're like, I love that Chinese restaurant. She goes, you've told me that.

I was like, yeah, well, you're the only person i hang out with like i spend all my time with you there's gonna be reruns i can't i can't bring it every night you know right the bit was like something like a tv show like dayton is like a tv show where the writing gets progressively worse like season one you're like this is fucking good and then season three comes around you're like we gotta kill off a character oh yeah i remember that one rooftop special but i think yeah but i think you're i think that's far i think this bit is far from both of those okay great it'd be great to have a remote with a lady yeah i'll pause it yeah i'll pause it i'll pause it check it out later what oh click oh yeah yeah yeah also can i read the info bar

see if i want to listen to the story give me the trailer maybe you're like you got anything on sports yeah you should mute it and do the subtitles ah the mute well that's the problem we're so used to controlling everything that we take in and then she's choosing now. Oh, good point. You're like, fuck, I don't want to hear this. Can I do a different story? Right. No, you got to hear this one.

Yeah, like when a podcast does ads, you can just skip. Be nice to do that with a lady. Or a guy. All right, what else you got? So I found out I say the word Nazi too much. I call peoplei too much i say i call people nazis too much i get angry and i was it was taking me forever to board uh on amtrak and i was like fucking nazis and i realized if they were actually nazis i'd be on the train by now oh that's great you know what i mean like that's great look the destination

wouldn't be as good but we'd get where i was going yeah that's great all right there we go i was going to auschwitz instead of columbus yeah i'd be there they were efficient they were efficient you got to give them that yeah efficient people the nazis yeah no delays no with nazis although you wouldn't get your luggage they just threw all that in a pile. You're like, where are my shoes? Don't ask. Yeah, you wouldn't get your luggage. Also, you'd have to ride with your family, maybe.

No seats. But yeah, it's true. There's a lot of delays on Amtrak. Also, on Amtrak, the only difference is we're trying to get on the train. You know, like everybody's like get a bottleneck going to get on that thing. There was no cafe car with the. You don't have any bagels? Yeah.

That's big. There's something that that bits. What else you got? Stage ready, I think. What do you got? All right. So I was playing a video game the other day, which I rarely do, and the lady came home. She's really upset.

She's crying. She's like, I got to go fight with my boss at work. I hate her. She drives me crazy, blah, blah. I'm like, yeah, I'm fighting with the boss too here. And then she's like, are you playing a video game? You're so mature. You're so childish.

And she ripped the controller out of my hand. And I remember being like, oh, geez, this is like a whole other video game you're so mature you're so childish and she ripped the cord out or the controller out of my hand and i remember being like oh geez this is like a whole another video game you know and i'm like i went from a video game to an escape room i'm like how do i get out of this you know you got to beat this boss to get back to that boss exactly yes and then the joke or the it keeps going that part i can't really figure out And then it keeps going where I'm like I am childish, I am immature But women, you guys are immature in the bedroom You like to be spanked You call us daddy We play with all your toys

And then I thought maybe I could rip the vibrator out of her hand Like that to be like a Tie it all up I don't know, I don't know where to go with it Vibrator's funny, yeah So I got the toys i got the spank i got the the daddy those are all immature that's their vibrating controller or something yeah yeah or like uh her uh there's something funny about like how both our toys vibrate

yeah true i don't know. Something about... It's kind of two different bits that I'm trying to connect. Right, right, right. Fighting with her, because the original joke was, you're going to call me childish while you're crying? That's pretty bold. And I thought, well, that's... Then she shits her pants.

Yeah, I don't know. It's a tough one. I can't i can't crack it yeah well it's two different bits yeah because the first one is about like you know but i think they're connected right yeah because they're both immature thing i'm playing a video game she's getting spanked she's calling me daddy she's using toys she's mad at you for you're ignoring her for the video game. Yeah, she's ignoring me with the vibrator. The difference is maybe the joke is when you play with the vibrator, when you want to play, it's kind of like when she wants to play video games. You're like, all right, but you're not that good at it.

Ooh, that's interesting. You know what I mean? Yeah. Maybe I invite her to play the video game with me. You're just hitting the same button. She's like, well, that's what you're doing with the vibrator. Yeah. You know what i mean yeah maybe i invite her to play the video game with me you're just hitting the same button she's like well that's what you're doing with the vibrator yeah that's not bad i don't know well do you know how like when you're getting hit by a boss in a video game your controller vibrates that's supposed to be like a bad thing right but when her vibrator vibrates that's a good thing right, right? So you just, like, tie those two together. It's like, I'm getting killed over here, but I'm living over here.

Right, right. Yeah, do people know about that, the vibrator vibrating? I think everybody knows. Okay, okay. That's a tough one. I think people know. All right, all right. I'll try to connect the vibrator with the controller.

Yeah. I had one about, like like you ever date a new person and uh it makes you realize that your past 17 relationships are all toxic because she's actually like nice to you like uh like this is too real she woke up she woke up from a nightmare and i was like i am so sorry and she was like why are you sorry it's not your fault and she was like, why are you sorry? It's not your fault. And I was like, oh, my God. It's not my fault. Yeah. It's something about like it just puts in perspective, you know what I mean, everything.

Yeah. Maybe it's like you've worked in all these horrible jobs and you finally have benefits. Yeah. And you're like, can I get all? Yeah, you have eight days of vacation time. You're like, what? You know, comparing it to something where you're like, wow, this is crazy. It's so much easier. Maybe you lived in a work camp your whole life in Russia, and then you get to America.

You're like, hey, I can live freely. I think you're right. I think it needs an analogy probably. Well, maybe it's when you move out. It's like you live with your parents, and they're just busting your ass all day, yelling at you, making you do chores. Then you move out and live with eight guys and you're like, well, we can eat cake in the morning.

Yeah, there's something I don't fucking know. What do you got? There's something there. You've been beating your whole life. Hold on. All right. All right. Is this anything?

uh you've been beating your whole life hold on all right all right is this anything i'm so annoyed how addicted to my phone i am i'm so addicted to my phone and i think it's two things have fucked young people up is phones and adderall and they're actually quite similar they're addictive they keep you up at night and our parents gave them to us so we'd stop annoying them you know and then i'm like uh the phone and when you run out of adderall or you your phone dies you act the same way you're like i gotta call my provider you know uh i gotta get hooked up i need another line another line like phone line line line is i don't know if it reads it might people. People do snort Adderall. I never did that shit, but I think some people do it. Yeah. I could change the Coke.

You know, you could say, hey, it's addictive. I think Adderall is better. I think a line might work. Does it hit? I haven't tried it, but I'm worried. Phone line almost sounds like a landline because no one talks about a phone line. Yeah. Wait.

So say the last part again. When you run out of Adderall or when your phone dies or, you know, let's say you flush it down the toilet, both of them, you're like, I got to call my provider. I got to get hooked up. I got to pay some money. Got to get a new line. I got to get a new hookup.

Yeah. I got to get a new, yeah. Yeah, there's 5g uh five grams there's some guy out here who's a you need the 5g 4g lte oh yeah yeah right buy it in chinatown buy a knockoff you can't trade in your old coke for a better coke yeah yeah you can't be like this is uh this is bad coke can i get good coke yeah this is a samsung yeah yeah it's a tough one i love a good comparison joke these two things are alike and you start throwing about throwing out examples of how they're alike yeah um phone uh-oh a lot of dead air on this one no no we're thinking that's fine it's uh the phone and adderall you need a subscription or with a phone you need a prescription

with a phone you need a account what With a phone you need a... account? What do you call it when you get a phone? There's no family plan for Coke. Oh, there is for Adderall. You know, your parents buy it for you. Yeah. Kind of have to go through your mom to get it. On both accounts the government is listening.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Phone keeps you up at night. It connects you with people. Adderall, you're making connections. You're dealing. You really want to start a business with both. Maybe when you drop either in the toilet, you're like, fuck my life.

Yeah, yeah. Coke or a phone, maybe. I don't know. There's like. Right. Yeah, there's a lot of examples here. Yeah. Screen time.

Maybe there's a way to connect them. When you use Adderall, you look at your phone too much. Ah, shit. AI. Adderall intake. Oh, boy. All right. Let me try another.

Hit me with another. Is this funny at all like i want to think about writing folks this general does this generation even know what what wedgies are or something i wrote like i feel like the the bullying is so different like now it's all like you used to get your underwear ripped up your asshole and it's like it was a simpler time now what do you do you like ruin someone's life over the internet? Yeah. So I think the angle is like, it just doesn't have the personal touch. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? We were like goons back in the day, and these kids are like international supervillains.

Right, right. We're like, we just like ruined your underwear. These kids are like, what's your social security number? Oh, yeah. Or something like that. I don't know. Yeah, back then we'd swirl you. Now it's steal your identity.

There's something to that, right? Yeah, yeah, for sure. back then it took a little sweat you had to burn some calories to fuck with a guy swirly wedgie dunked them in the toilet uh he hung their shorts up on the flagpole there's a little effort a little effort but it was also just like not nearly as nearly as bad. No, no, no. You might come home. You might. There's an older bit I used to have about, like, how, like, back in the day, they would, like, beat the shit out of you. But now it's, like, you get catfished.

Yes. It's like, you know, you would, like, get a black eye back in the day. But now you, like, take a greyhound to Syracuse. And you're like, I thought you'd be a woman. Yeah. You know, it could be a funny joke back in my day you got wit willied now you get catfished yeah it kind of sounds similar but yeah that was an older bit fuck catfish that this is big i like jokes are fucking hard they're so hard but this

is good yeah it was so uh micro now it's like a macro like we ruin your life we take your credit card account we take your social security we get your credit card account. We take your social security. We get your identity. Oh, my God. How many texts do you get now where it's like, this is UPS? And I'm like, no, it ain't. Yes, exactly. This is a Nigerian prince.

You got anything else? It was very analog back then. Like a wedgie is very hands-on. Yeah. Versus, you know, scamming old people. All right. this is horrible. What do we have? Anything else?

I got a bit for you. Please. People always say, if you have sex with your clone, is that gay? But nobody ever asks, is it pedophilia? Because clones have to start as babies and you raise them up. When I was 12 and masturbated, I didn't get arrested for touching a 12-year-old. But if I helped jerk off my clone, is that pedophilia? Interesting.

That's fucking... I mean, this is a complex bit here, man. Yeah, very complex. We talk about going back and killing baby Hitler. We never go back to fucking ourselves. This is a sci-fi novel here. Yeah. Is it pedophilia?

Well, I guess it depends at what age. It's also incest. Did you groom yourself? Now you got pedophilia, incest I guess it depends at what age. It's also incest. Did you groom yourself? Now you got pedophilia, incest, and cloning, and gay. Yeah. There's a lot of boxes we're checking here. I think we hit most of Reddit. Yeah.

Oh, man. I think that's cool. I was going to say, I think it's really cool. Mark Norris says, thumbs thumbs up fucking yourself is fine you know it's kind of like how you can make a joke about yourself like you can't make a joke about black people because they're like hey you're not black that's weird but if you make it you fuck yourself it's okay let me try another one all right i was talking to a guy and he goes he goes you know wasted potential is the worst thing in the world.

And I was like, oh, it's pretty bad. And he was like, you know, this is a weird example, but Hitler, you know, and I was like, uh-huh. That is a weird example. That is a weird one. He goes, you know, could have been much bigger, you know, could have been much bigger, made a few wrong choices. And I was like, yeah, man, I don't know if that's wasted. Like, I don't like Hitler. I wouldn't call him an underachiever.

I feel like he did his damage. It's also weird to be like, you know who wasted? Like, I think wasted talent. I'm not like, you know who comes to mind is Lindsay Lohan and Hitler. Yeah. Both should have had a bigger impact. Yes. He should have.

Yeah, he should have maybe made a few different decisions, maybe in Dunkirk. And she should have tried to find a way to sign on for Mean Girls 2. I don't know. Right. He could have taken a few vacations. He's literally the poster guy for doing too much. Six million Jews is a good number. Right.

He killed it. I wouldn't call it a good number. Well, you know what I mean. It's a high it's a high not a very upsetting number actually it's a big number i think there's a louis ck but he's like he killed a few too many jews yeah yeah no that's great it's so true it's a weird choice and but he was uh he achieved a lot. You know, you can't deny that. Yeah. Like home and overachiever. Yeah.

Yeah. He definitely achieved too much. Yeah. Yeah, he did a lot. I mean, the camps, the trains, the rounding up, the not to mention. What's that? The invading. Invading, the manufacturing.

He made all these planes. Great painter too yeah solid painter i'd say he's one of my favorite yeah i'm a big francis bacon and hitler man those are my two he's an artist the man's an artist uh no that's big yeah all right this is this is horrible all right what do you got all right so but i was thinking back to my single days and how hard it was to like meet a lady you know like go up to a woman and a hit on her just cold i remember you're doing pretty damn well well i i learned the the ropes a little but it it was a lot of it was this is what i equated to hooking up with a woman you don't know is like trying to get through tsa without a ticket you know you had to like go hey i'm a good guy you know you have to be charming you have to work

your way through but once you've already hooked up with a girl that was like pre-check she's like oh yeah you're good come on in but once you get married then you're part of the flight crew she's like you again you're here i didn't even know you were here today or whatever i need a good marriage one it's funny too that like except you're the one trying to pat them down oh yeah but uh yeah you're you're in you're in when you're a ticket yeah no ticket is single they're like why would i let you in i know nothing about you yes exactly exactly i need to vet you a little yeah but once you're in you got pre-check come on in you know you don't have to get dressed or you're trying to get your stuff in here

right right but marriage is clear yeah no one knows what clear is what about marriage is like the pilot trying to get the gate of the plane into the gate. Oh, like... Like talking to the control tower. The pilot versus the control tower. Yeah, but now we're on security. They know him, but they still won't... Right, right.

They still won't let him in. Oh, that's not bad. Because he's like, we got to wait. We got to wait till they let us... That happens every time, right? Yeah, we're going to taxi a while. So now I'm like the horny husband who's like, I'm waiting for you to be ready. Oh, that's interesting.

We flew in a little early, even though the control tower wasn't letting us because of overcast sky. Yeah, yeah. There's some red clouds on the horizon. You're in line of security behind the dam and going to the Disney World with all their bags. It's going to take forever. You're not going to go anymore. There's something about not letting you in. I need to make sure that you're not dangerous.

Yes. Treat you like a terrorist, I think. Yes. The word dangerous, I think, resonates for both. Right. Because women are like, I can't go home with you. I don't even know. You could be a murderer.

Yeah. What you had to go, I'm not a murderer murderer i'm a good you know here's here's my id trust me i'm supposed to be on this plane you know like i think uh i think you're gonna want me to get through security but then when you once you've already had sex with them then it's you're in then you're stamped pre-check then you're like you up and they're like come on over and that's when a pat down actually makes a difference like all right what are you carrying here huh right have you enough yeah um but the marriage thing that's where i'm struggling it's like that's not bad control tower control tower is not bad like like the vagina is a control tower you think about like the movie airplane like that was the whole thing like yeah that was a great movie that was like a running that's my favorite hangover movie oh really every time like yeah absolutely so good dad and grandma's boy all right love grandma's boy

uh i got one i have a whole chunk on like companies uh you know trying to let you know their opinions on thing i kind of make fun of netflix and hbo like trying to be like allies and i have a bit about you know bud light and now i'm i'm working on a bit like you know basically saying like years ago chick-fil-a made this mistake telling us they were anti-gay marriage which is like you know you make chicken no one gives a shit no one like if you have poultry opinions, great, but, like, no one gives a fuck. If you want to tell us you're fucked up social commentary, at least work it into the ad. You know what I mean? Like, we at Chick-fil-A, we're against a woman's right to choose unless you choose the morning chicken biscuit breakfast sandwich or something like that.

Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm going for here? Sure, sure. I'm flubbing the delivery here, but it's something there, I think. Wait, wait, you're saying... If you're going to have... Like a controversial opinion. Yeah, at least work it into the ad somehow

so it's not just out of nowhere. You're just, like, shocking us. Oh. Like, why are you telling us your anti-gay man has nothing to do with your product? Oh, interesting. But if they work it in the ad,

they won't sell. I know, but at least then it, like, makes sense. It makes no sense why you're just telling people uh-huh you know you don't like gay people get married it's kind of like why did you even say that you're a chicken place you sell chicken yeah tell me about your sides or something or your fucking you know lemonade i don't know oh at least make it uh make Right. Oh, that's funny. Yeah.

Make it relevant. Like put it into the pitch. Right, right. Yeah. But you got to put it in the pitch where the food is still sellable. Exactly. Yeah. All right.

We're against gay marriage, but we're not against the meeting of chicken and Polynesian sauce or something. Yeah. Is that the Polynesian sauce place? Oh, yeah. Yeah. They got Polynesian sauce or something. Is that the Polynesian sauce place? Oh yeah. They got honey mustard, they got barbecue. Never eaten there before in my life. A side of double butter oppression potatoes.

It is good. That homophobia really adds to the flavor. We put the home in homophobia. Yeah, there you go. Home cooking. Homo cooking. Yeah. I like putting that in the ad and then you could do that for the beat the cake you could call back i'm trying to connect all

this shit yeah the cake is like uh see us on the road folks and it all it all come together we don't approve of uh laying down with another man We don't approve of laying down with another man, but we do approve of laying down seven layers of icing or something. Right, right. All right. Well, this is all shit right here. Should we wrap it up? I think so.

Well, I'm buzzed. We've been drinking all day. This is probably too much alcohol in our lives, but what are we going to do? Can you get out of that box right there? Oh, we got boxes. That banner. We won a contest. Wow.

The YouTube channel Joke World did a March Madness. Oh. And we won. Is that right? Yeah. I don't even know what that is. How does that work? They put a bunch of different podcasts, comedy podcasts against each other, and we came out on top.

What? Who did we beat out? Last round was Chrissy Chaos. Oh, my God. Suck it, Christy. An honor to be against our good friend, Chris DiStefano, and also suck our penis, Chris. Yeah. Blow me with your weird glasses.

We love you, buddy. Thank you. That's a great YouTube channel, Joke World. Check it out. And what is this? Dick fuel? Oh, they give me T-shirts. That guy makes zines.

Not magazines. Zines. He took the MAGA out of magazine. Oh, we got a card here. Open bar, free food. Need we say more? Save the date. We're tying the knot.

Dear Sam and Mark, we know Atlanta's a long way from NY, but we wanted to tell you all we're saving a seat and a paper plane in honor of our favorite comedian's pod. Thanks for putting on some of the best shows you've ever seen. Cheers, Colin and Alex. Hey, mazel tov. Thank you very much. How cute. That's a hot couple. pod thanks for putting on some of the best shows you've ever seen cheers colin and alex hey mazel tov very much how cute that's a hot couple send us photos that you guys making out hold on wait a minute did they send us this oh okay this is different what's that there you go there you go sam and mark we got a little card here whoa nelly what do we got here it says uh

well this is a long thing but sam and mark i caught your neil brennan app where you guys all said you don't feel sexy i know this is a podcast by comedians with other comedians and a few randos. So I am 98% certain you were all joking. But in case, here's a reminder to feel and think of yourselves as sexy. Seriously and genuinely. Sure. Seriously and genuinely. I am fat as fuck.

All right. Sexy bitches. I'm a fat as fuck brown girl not lizzo another one can feel sexy and relate to dj khaled's song for free then you two can feel it too i had sorry the handwriting is a little jumbled i had these small tokens with an affirmation made for you to always remind you of your sexiness well it ain't gonna it ain't going to work, but I appreciate it. For free is a song where Drake ruminates on his own sexual prowess. By the time he reaches the chorus,

he realizes he's so good at sex that he should be compensated. Well, I will never feel that way, but thank you. Wow, what a nice lady. Read that. Sam, for those hopefully rare times thatary can't join you on the road trigger warning corny cheesy encouraging messages feel free to toss in the trash if it's not your jam what is it did i fart in this card maybe whoa a gift card mark you seem to get uncomfortable when complimented and praised so i will try to keep this short and emotionless as possible oh god i can't read this this is gonna be sappy and gay you opened it so check it out it's this gets worse free shirts are awesome and stolen shirts

are thrilling to you but you also deserve to choose one and buy a shirt for no other reason than you feel and look good in it please treat yourself to a shirt that makes you feel worth it. Be it a leopard print, silk button-up shirt, or plain, well-fitting shirt. Whatever you get, get something that you love but would normally talk yourself out of because of cost or because you already have enough shirts. P.S. Bert Kreischer seems passionate about a James Purse t-shirt, or maybe he's just sponsored by them. Those are fancy shirts. Are they? Yeah.

We love you guys. Thank you. Thank you so much for listening. I got a Walgreens gift card I see here. What is yours? Visa. Oh, yeah. No, mine's too, but I think it says Walgreens. Oh, yeah. I guess they bought it at Walgreens. Thank you. This is too much money. Whoever that was. This is stupid. Thank you. This is too much money, whoever that was.

This is stupid. Thank you so much. We love you, and should we plug some dates or something here? Yeah. When does this come out, Matt? It'll be the end of May. Man, we are backlogging like motherfuckers. All right, well, you can see me in Portland, Maine.

Fucking. Good city. Oh, I love it. Hampton Beach new hampshire mashantucket connecticut uh richmond virginia greensboro north carolina ashville charlotte knoxville memphis birmingham chattanooga nashville denver uh santa fe san antonio houston way more so many dates coming up they're all on samorell.com. Yeah, we got Columbus on there. We had to reschedule that in Cincinnati, Bethlehem, York, all that shit.

But it's all on my website now. See you there. Hell yeah. I'm all over the road. I'll see you in Australia. I'll see you in Austin, Toronto. You name it. Check out the website.

Then I'm announcing a theater tour. It should be already out by the time this comes out. So check my website. Check the tabloids. You name it. Thank you. Netflix special coming out soon. And we'll see you all in hell.

Thanks a lot. Praise Allah. We love you. We put up. Sunday's the day for my next offender. A bit of fever wrecking, though the future's close. I've had a little too much bourbon,

and Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope. Did I get down in the same way? Up on the roof like a cop's coming, and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. We might be drunk.