We Might Be Drunk - Ep 131: Chris DiStefano with Tequila

Episode Date: June 12, 2023

Join Mark, Sam, and Chris as they unleash a comedic whirlwind, sharing hilarious stories, engaging in witty banter, and exploring the absurdities of life. With their quick wit and impeccable timing, this trio will have you laughing uncontrollably throughout the episode. Join the conversation and share the laughter with these hashtags: #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #ChrisDistefano #ComedyPodcast #LaughsAndMoreLaughs Visit Mark Normand's website at marknormandcomedy.com for more hilarious content and updates on his upcoming shows. Check out Sam Morril's website at sammorril.com to stay in the loop with his latest comedy specials and live performances. Visit Chris Distefano's website at chrisdcomedy.com to discover more about his hilarious comedy and stay updated on his upcoming shows and projects. And now, to leave you with a laughter-filled moment: Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field! Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com  Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ Support the show and get 15% you first order with code DRUNK at https://www.shopduer.com Get 20% off and; free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com promo code DRUNK

We got into a huge fight because she ate my ass and I came so quick. Okay. Yeah, this is gold. Yeah. This is gold. We're rolling. Oh, we're rolling? Where the hell is the bartender?

Yeah, where is he? We don't need him. We don't need him. I need a drink. All right, Sam needs a drink. I like this new studio, man. This is all you need. It's good to see you, man.

And this is a shared space, right? So it's not even that fucking expensive. No, this is all ours. No, no, but I'm saying outside is the whole floor. Yeah outside oh yeah yeah exactly garbage has a fucking compound i know i know compound but it's good yeah they're huge talking about foley he's a big smoker oh yeah dude uh last time i saw you was in the nick game oh i know that was fucking brutal brutal i was i was on the street last night after the loss and i'm'm wearing a Knicks sweatshirt. And some guy goes, I'm in my moons.

Just like, let me just eat away the pain. And some guy walks up to me and goes, hey, Sam, why don't you take that sweatshirt off after that game? And I ignore him because I'm in a bad mood. And he says again, hey, Sam. I said, I go, I heard you. Yeah. I go, I fucking heard you. And he just goes, okay, and walked away.

That's the one something about celebrity is they get the other face a celebrity but you know what i mean he knew your name but you are to people he knew you so he goes hey good job or great set sam that's nice but hey sam yeah your knicks suck i'll match your energy there you go if you say good set i'll say thanks right what are you doing a protein shake yeah is that stupid that stupid? I mean, it's a drinking podcast. What I'm saying, I'll get it. You look great, though, by the way. I can only, because I got to cut my eating hours stop in about 40 minutes here, so I just got to get in the last hour.

We'll get you some calories. Are you intermittent? Yeah. Oh. You changed my whole life. I do it, too. Literally. Do you really?

Well, I do it on accident. I was going to say, what I've learned is, and I bet Sam does it on accident, the people who have always maintained, he can use some fasting. The people who can always, no, I'm kidding. The people who can,

who always like had good builds, like you and Sam, always naturally did it. I realized like, I have to force myself to do it or I'm not going to stay in line. My metabolism, so now I pretty much eat 10 a.m. to six, sometimes 11 to five,

depending on the hours. And yeah, dude, it changed my whole fucking life. What do you mean? So before before it was just you would snack before bed you mean before i would just i had no rules i would just eat like you know my daughter would you know my kids be eating it'd be seven o'clock i'd be eating a little bit of their pasta a little bit of their desserts like oh i'm not eating that much but it doesn't matter your body's metabolism is kicking in breaking out of your fasting even if you have anything over 30 calories. So I was never in a state of calorie deficit,

and my body was never burning. My body was never burning its fat. It was always like, you know, so now I do. Now I go 16 to 18 hours with no eating. Are you down for a Manhattan or no? Sure, I can do a Manhattan. You can't make that. Whatever's easiest to make.

He can't make a Manhattan. Are you really making it for us? I did a tonic once. Really? Your wife drinks Manhattans? a gin and tonic once. Really? Your wife drinks Manhattans? Yeah, it's her drink. What? Who's your wife?

Humphrey Bogart? You kind of look like Philip Seymour Hoffman. In a way. In a little way. A good looking Seymour. A good looking Seymour Hoffman. But it's his career that's dead. Oh, nice.

Oh, yeah. I mean, you look like Hoffman now. He was the best. He really was. I mean, honestly, I was watching the other night, Along Hoffman now. He was the best. He really was. I mean, honestly, I was watching the other night Along Came Polly. He's so funny. He's so funny. The basketball scene.

Such a good comedic. Baldwin, too. The second scene of the movie when he walks in and slips on the floor is fucking hilarious. So funny. Yeah. Raindrop. I mean, some of the terms that we use, like sharding, that's from that movie. No.

The first time you ever heard the term sharding, Philip Seymour that might be true it is that that's pulling oh look at that before oh that was raindrop that's in manhattan right isn't that by the cellar is that the one in the west village no no no is it i thought i could be wrong sasquatch oh i got a p for you basketball related i was playing on the road and this dude was shirtless, which I was just like, he just takes his shirt off mid-game. And I'm like, I got to guard the shirtless guy now? And it's wet and slippery. That's a tactic. Wet men.

That's a peeve. Wet men. Tiki Barber told me that a tactic for some of the players in the NFL when he was playing was to not shower, to smell like absolute shit. players uh in the nfl when he was playing was to not shower to smell like absolute shit because he said you had a lot of people who like they would smell so bad or not brush their teeth or just be disgusting that you would kind of think twice about having that guy roll on you or like taking it to him so he was like i people that was like a tactic for people to be not hygienic oh wow huh that makes sense then he told me a funny story once about the Cleveland Browns, about how they played the Browns on one of those Saturday early afternoon games towards the end of the regular season.

And they played the Cleveland Browns, and they beat the shit out of them. And then they weren't going home that night, the Giants. They were going to wait and go home the next morning, so they decided to go out to a nightclub in Cleveland. And they're the Giants, so they all were just like walking in and he said tiki barber was walking in and forgot some other player was walking in and they know he fumbled his id yeah i know no that and they noticed that cleveland browns members of the cleveland browns football team waiting online to get into the club the people at the own in their

own city's nightclub wouldn't let them in because they know that they're like you guys want to just come in with us and he's like we walked in the home team into their own nightclub oh my god and then the guys were just saying it was like how much it sucks to play for that team wow god they get no respect they had that qb bernie kozar in the 80s and the guy just got the shit kicked out of his dad stole all his money yes yeah yeah he was on like the famous broke yeah yeah but he uh he would cut like eight concussions or something and the fans are just booing him like this dude's dying well that's how his dad started stealing his money because he was so concussed and fucked up that his dad was just like this guy's like my son's a retard so now so i'm just gonna take his

money and it's the worst father ever that was definitely a good time he gets another hit he's like that's another 10 grand right there yeah right there didn't jordan's dad die yeah gambling right got killed the russians killed him i think i don't know who killed him they ever proved it but possible he was like pulled off the side of the road the the conspiracy theory that i don't know if it's true is that you yeah you know it's that uh they asked him to take a break from basketball because it was getting bad press and that's why he did the baseball thing for you oh is that why although but the baseball was worse than the dad done but the thing is it makes no sense to me that conspiracy theory because he's the biggest star yeah why would you you'd want him to play. They're going to suspend him for gambling.

Are you mic'd up by the way? They're going to suspend him for gambling and they said that's too bad for the sport so why don't you just take a year off and say you're retiring and you come back in a year. And then his son died as well. Jordan.

Did he? You're thinking of Cosby. Ah. Both side of the road shootings, though. Both side of the road shootings. Sorry. Cosby's son was killed? Yeah, just randomly. Side of the road.

He was changing a tire. Boom. Interesting. Crazy. Maybe it was one of the victims getting a little revenge. Now you go to sleep. What are you doing with the Guinness? This is a starter because I don't have ginger ale for the Manhattan.

You don't put ginger ale in Manhattan's. What is this, the 1940s? I'm telling you, man. No, this is not how you make a Manhattan. It's sweet vermouth, bourbon, and bitters. That's all it is. Okay, I'll make it. Oh, this is bad.

Now I really don't trust this. No, no. Pick me up. Where's the other one? Pick me up. A quarter beer? He's late. What the hell are't trust this. No, no. He said pick me up. Where's the- Pick me up? Where's the other one? A quarter beer? He's late.

He's late, baby. What the hell are we doing? No, the girl. Oh. What was her name? She's nursing. Oh, she had a full baby. Oh, yeah.

Who did? And she's already back. Who? What's her face? The girl. Jamie. Jamie. Oh, yeah.

Couldn't think of her name. Sorry. The girl. She's very hot. Remember when pro wrestling, there was a side character that would come out? Her name was Woman. Ha! That's all they could come up with is a name like you're a woman we should do that with the trans athletes hey woman i saw a hot trans walking over here did you on eighth avenue was fucking ripe with them was she holding hands with jim norton bro it is fucking norton's norton's new material about his trans

girlfriend is so funny he's amazing yeah good comic you so there's a lot of what on eighth avenue tons really like yeah there's a lot of homeless out there today oh it's crazy well the heat you know the sun's coming out so they're out this is a nice building though this is this is really nice you like it you guys been here not that long a. Not a year? I think it's good here. That's great. We love it. We're parked. We're staying.

We're staying, baby. Do you see the trans poker player one? No. Some guy said, I'm going to identify as a woman, and he went to the women's poker and won the whole tournament. Oh, shit. Yeah. Because women can't have a good poker face.

They can't hold anything in. That's true. Yeah. Write that down. That's anything in. That's true. Yeah. Write that down. That's a bit. That's true. But poker should be even. It should be men and women because there's no physical.

Right. But yet, the guy still won. So he identified as a woman to enter. Damn. Slippery slope. Damn. This is how they get you. And I think a guy did that with um weightlifting as well

a guy identified as a woman and won the weightlifting really women's yeah sorry i jerk off to this stuff at all that's fun so wait yeah how was sicily amazing you went with the lady yeah sicily was good i'm half sicilian and um are we on we're good yeah we're rolling oh we've been rolling. Oh, we're cooking, baby. Is this that bad an episode? Oh, good. Oh, you're using this? Yeah, this is the show, actually.

Sicily was great. White Lotus was there. That's where I stayed, in the San Domenico Palace. Is it really fancy? It was really nice. With the kids as well, or just the ladies? No, just Jazz and I. And we had a good time um i learned something i was asking the uh the the the italian guys whoa that guy's

tall the beer jew there it is baby what was your uh beer jew train late uh biden's in town is he mike does biden in town no i think he died nice? Is Biden in town? No, I think he died. Nice, buddy. And what he said was, this Italian baggage handle guy, I was asking him questions. I was like, what do you see? Like, what is anything you learned from seeing all these people come in and out? He goes, the people with the most luggage have the worst time. He goes, I think the more luggage people bring, and it's usually Americans, always complain, always get into a fight with their wife and kids, always are sitting down in the bar alone. He said the people who come with almost nothing, with just like a knapsack or one little travel or one little carry-on, have a great time.

It was like pack light. That would be my advice. It's a metaphor for life. Yeah. You don't need all this shit, all these material things. You just need your family, your friends, and a cocktail. But who normally really brings the extra bag? It's women.

They need a million outfits. Women. Well, that's what I said. That's what I said to him. I was like, well, because I saw him. I was sitting at the bar by myself. I was like, I brought almost nothing. Yeah.

And I'm having a bad time, but I'm having a bad time because my girl ate my asshole a few hours ago, and then I came in too quickly, and she thinks I'm gay now. That's the real thing. What's the male G-spot right there? That's what I said. I was like, what are you talking about? Like, you can't. Did she really call you gay?

Yeah, she was like crying. She was like, this confirms it. And she was just like, I swear to God, she was like looking out. Wait, that was the test? No. She didn't do it for your pleasure. She did it to see. Our room had like this nice little balcony, and she was like literally weeping.

Like, this confirms it. She was sipping prosecco looking out at the mediterranean like what am i gonna do yeah i was like well i'm gonna go downstairs and find a fucking guy then i'm gonna find armand on the way out you should have been you should have walked and your shoes are terrible yes damn but it was it was great it's the only place that i've been to where i actually fell in love with the people. You know, like when people say that. I never understood that. But I was like, oh, the people, their way of life.

Not everything is about money. Not everything is about the hustle. Not everything is about, oh, I saw this idea on Shark Tank. Not everything is that. They're like, we just live. We make enough money to live our life. And it was sweet. I was like, well, if I took that attitude, I wouldn't be staying in this fucking hotel. So get me another

Diet Pepsi for a man. It's always funny when people give you that advice. You're like, what is this, $2,000 a night? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

No, dude, more. The fucking white. What? Yeah, it was like $4,000 a night. What? Well, here's what I do. Here's how I live my life

because that does sound like a lot of money and it is. But I do one trip every 18 months. I don't do it every year of money and it is yeah but i do one one trip every 18 months i don't do it every year i do it every 18 months this is that trip where i just have a guilt-free spending trip that i'm consciously thinking about taking a percentage of my income monthly to put towards this guilt-free spending trip and that was this well she made you feel guilty she called you exactly i know i was like i should have taken mateo

also are you gay when you're signing that check at the end, huh? Yeah. Yeah. How gay am I now, lady? Yeah, exactly. Fucking unbelievable I'm gay. I did pick out the stucco, which is gorgeous in the backyard, though. You're like, I'm not gay.

Now put on this strap on real quick. Peg me. Yeah. But yeah, it was good, man. That doesn't make you gay. That's ridiculous. How do you say eating ass? And there's nothing wrong with being gay, by the way. We can't start until, what do you think? But, yeah, it was good, man. That doesn't make you gay. That's ridiculous. How do you say eating ass? And there's nothing wrong with being gay, by the way.

Well, he's going to make a real cocktail. All right. Yes, gee, Salicu is really not filling in well. Yeah. Pouring us a quart of Guinness here. I know, this is like a before and after. It's like room temperature. It's like tequila, right?

It's like me and someone with tequila? Yes, sir. Or like a little antihistamine and pinot grigio? A hundred percent, dude. You look like a professional soccer player. You look like some type of Viking guy. Yeah. Isn't he a Viking?

You know they invented shitting on the chest, supposedly? Really? Supposedly, I don't know what the Viking leader, who it was specifically, but supposedly they would come and raid and, you know, your standard Viking stuff, raid, pillage, rape, kill the kids, all that fun stuff. But then they would, what some Viking clans would do is in in an effort to show dominance they would keep a couple of people that they were going to make slaves alive and before they killed the top chieftain of that tribe they would hold them down and each member of the new viking clan would

come and shit on his chest i could take that. To me, a chest shitting is way better than getting raped or pillaged. It would suck, though, if you're like the one constipated Viking. You're just like, I can't get enough. Or a blood shit. Or you're just shitting out little rabbit pellets. Oh, yeah.

It's like getting slimed on Nickelodeon, but even worse. Yeah. Damn, that's... I mean, although the Germans decided to make it a sexual thing, I guess. Yes, yes. They made it a humiliation thing,

but the Germans... And Odell Beckham enjoys it. Does he? Supposedly, yes. Well, supposedly they say he's gay. Supposedly. Yeah, supposedly he likes his bucket, Neaton. I wonder why.

I think... What's his face is definitely gay? The way he speaks. Oh, God. Who? Kevin Spacey. Kevin Spacey's gay. Me, Chrissy D.

I'm blanking. Somebody, it's like, he's so openly gay. Wouldn't it be funny if the Minnesota Vikings did that when they won the game? Just shit on the other team? Yeah. Well, that's what Lizzo means when she's like, boyfriend on the Minnesota Vikings. She just loves getting shit on the chest. Now, that would be a scary shit because you're like, oh, God.

That's a lot of chipotle dump yeah big dump i'm attracted to lizzo though he's got a pretty face some ways yeah i like her i like her confidence and energy sure yeah she's vegan is she oh yeah that's a lot of grass yeah that's a lot she's got a graze yeah look at this i bought you guys gifts i bought you guys treats from uh angelina bakery you guys have to go there right by your studio here i don't want it don't throw it yeah and then i got you know what this is you know you know what bugs me about this yeah this guy comes in drinking protein shakes working out he's trying to fatten us up. Yeah.

And then he brings this shit. Yeah, look at this. Come on. Oh, my God. Pistachio, strawberry, Nutella, and I came in that one. Well, Mark wants a Nutella, I know. Oh, yeah. And then I think that one might be a hazelnut cream or anything.

I said, I know you guys aren't fat, but your staff is. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm a fatty as well. I love eating this shit. I try to only eat it on the weekends. Which one is that? That's like some hazelnutty.

Ooh, baby. Yeah. They're all good, man. So they're cream filled. They're all cream filled. Yeah, the place is not, I don't want to give away your location, but it's not far from where you are. It's down the street. You know where it is?

You ever been there? It's right on 8th Avenue. It's i do donuts donuts coffees yeah italian sandwiches they got real actual like italian gelato they have you know the gelato is real when they have the rectangular um you know polders that they have yeah i know what you mean that's real gelato i want that nutella if you don't mind. The Nutella, yeah. Now, what are you doing? Look at all that in there. Look at that.

That's pistachio. Wow, that's high end. High end, baby. Look at that. Classic Manhattan kid going after the pistachio. Oh, sugar right on the pants. We're real slops. That is fucking good. Oh, man.

That's very good. Would you like some, man? Anybody? Peters? I see you drooling over there. Oh, you don't see me? Do you really, Peters? He's like Norm over there.

It's good, right? Yeah, they have good coffee as well. He goes right for the cakes. Oh, wow, that's a lot of newt. Oh, yeah. Oh, baby. You know, that actually comes from a Viking's butthole right there. Thank you, my friend.

Absolutely. Sam, dirty martini for you. What is everyone else doing? I got some tequila. Yeah, it's like a little tequila margarita action. Thank you, my friend. What are you doing? I'm doing that.

I'll do what everyone's doing. I'm a team player. Oh, wow. Yummy, yummy in my tummy. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Have you been on the road heavy, Chris? I just got, I just came back from a shout out to good people of Buffalo, Ithaca, and Albany.

Uh-oh, quit bragging. Did you go to that restaurant I told you about? No, we didn't go. I couldn't make it. But I had food in Ithaca. I went to this place, I think it's called Red's in Ithaca, with some of the best food I ever had in my life. It was good, but now I'm on, I got a couple more, I think it's called Red's in Ithaca. It was some of the best food I've ever had in my life. It was good, but now I'm on... I got a couple more... I got one more

date in Newport, Rhode Island May 28th, and then I'm taking the summer off. Is that the Rogue Island? That's a fun fest. Yeah, I'm doing my man Doug Key. I'm doing two shows there somewhere. Doug Key. Love the Doug. But then, yeah, summer off, and then... You do that off for your kids?

For my kids, yeah, and for my And then. You do that off for your kids. For my kids. Yeah. And for my own. I haven't really taken any time off from since like we got back at it from the pandemic. So I was like, let me just take some time. And yeah, July, June, July, like hang with the kids. And then August, I go back heavy. I got Radio City, September 22nd.

Whoa. Local boy makes good. Yeah. And then the theater at Madisonison square garden september 23rd yeah baby and then um and then uh and then i'm gonna put a fall tour on sale you know soon and you're gonna ask for a custom chrissy d nicks jersey i want it whoa do you know like the path like like we here's the thing with us right is we no, you don't know if it's going to happen, but like, we're, you know, Sam and I are New York boys.

We are on a, like, you will sell out the Hulu Theater at MSG, and then you might even add a second one, probable add a second one. Let's take it one day at a time. No, but I'm saying it's probable it's going to happen. And then, you know, like, the thing, again, not that it's going to happen, but we have an actual chance. Like, it's not out of the realm of possibility to perform at, like, the real Madison Square Garden. Sure. It's not out of the realm of possibility to perform at like the real Madison square garden.

It's not out of the realm of possibility. It's no, it's like there's people who are in line to do it. All three of us are, but it's like, as New Yorkers, it's like, if that happens,

it's almost like, it's almost like if that happens, then like, where do you go from there? What do you do? What are you even, what are you doing? Everything else is just like,

all right. Yeah. I think weird sex stuff. Yeah. That's what it is. That's when you get into kids. That's true. I mean, look at Epstein.

He had everything. Where do you go? What's your, because obviously New York is where the garden, but is it your garden as well? Eight-year, nine-year-old. I mean, the garden is great. Something about Carnegie really scratches my taint. I love that Carnegie. You could do Carnegie now. How many seats is that?

3,000. Oh, really? You could do that right now. Oh, I would love to do Carnegie. Easily. Yeah, but I like all the rules. I like the Ryman is special. Right.

Is there anything in New Orleans that's like special to you? The Sanger. The Sanger is like our beacon, kind of. And I would love to do the Sanger one day. I opened for Schumer there years ago, but to really headline the Sanger would be something. But I think you could do it now. I could do it. I mean, give me three years.

It's probably like 5,000 seats. Is it? Yeah, and that's a lot in New Orleans. I know, but I feel like where you're from is easier. I don't know. But I'm like you. They say never buy your dream car, because then where do you go from there? It's depressing.

Yeah. So I like just running around, doing all the rooms. Do you have a dream car? Yeah. Do you even drive? Do you even have a license? I don't. I don't.

I got a Beamer. I got a 73, so I kind of have my dream car. Oh, yeah. Do you have a dream car? A dream car? No. I have a Lincoln Navigator now. It's pretty nice.

Oh, that's very nice. For the family. See? Look at that. It's a sweet ride. 73. Oh, yeah. You got a sick car. Oh, yeah. I don a Lincoln Navigator now. It's pretty nice. Oh, that's very nice. For the family. See, look at that. It's a sweet ride. Oh, yeah, you got a sick car. Oh, yeah. I don't have a dream car. Thank you, Birju.

I would say, um. Cheers. Cheers, Mazel Tov. Mazel Tov. Mazel Tov on the Hulu Theater and the. Yeah, and the Radio City. And Radio City. And Radio City, baby.

Hold on. There it is. There we go. That's a toot for the toot. He always leans it my way. I love it. Out of respect for the guest. He's a guest, yeah.

Mark's farts are cute. Oh, thank you. Mark is kind of the closest to a cartoon character we have. Yes, yes. Tell that to my wife when she's eating my ass. I'm gay. She's eating his ass. Chipotle.

Comedy. Because you're a wife now, married guy, do you guys think about like the future like kids finance investing do you do any totally totally i think all that stuff's fun i like saving for the future i like i'm buying a house i'm buying a brownstone in brooklyn whoa so like that's fun and i'm thinking about you know you got to think about schools all that bullshit you're gonna leave manhattan go to brooklyn, just get a little more space. I've done my Manhattan time, and I loved it. What part of Brooklyn?

Fort Greene. Oh, that's where I went to college, St. Joseph's College. Fort Greene, you would not have been welcome 20 years ago. It's changed quite a bit. Jesus. I used to move furniture, and we moved this gay couple into Fort Greene. It was from New Jersey to Fort Greene, and they had this huge place moved this gay couple into Fort Greene. And it was from New Jersey to Fort Greene. And they had this huge place right on the park in Fort Greene.

I remember being like, oh, my God, one day. And I moved all these ancient artifacts because they're gay, and they had all this cool shit and expensive shit. I nicked one vase. This thing was about this big from Zimbabwe. And I nicked it, and this guy goes, ah! And he just flipped out. You should have wrapped it up. What's he doing?

I don't know, but we moved every single artifact. It was like Indiana Jones moving this shit and then I nicked one thing and he flipped out on me. Brutal. That's like Mike Racine. I hired Mike Racine once to move for me. I was moving from my apartment. I was moving from an apartment in Brooklyn

to another apartment in Brooklyn. Yeah. But then one of the but then one of the couches that i had i was going to bring to my dad's house who was living in staten island so mike's like hire me i got it don't worry so i'm waiting for him he calls me he goes we're coming around the corner so he comes down the block it's just him in the moving truck i was like where's your team he was like it's just me i was like you made it seem like you were a part of a moving organization it's like nah it's just me it'll was like, you made it seem like you were a part of a moving organization. He's like, nah, it's just me.

It'll save you money. It'll just be me and you. I'm like, I don't want to move this shit. Now you're carrying couches. I don't want to do that. I would have paid more to not do it. He's like, it's fine. So we do it.

We're going, whatever. Drop everything off. We're on my way to my dad's. We drop stuff in my apartment. I'm not keeping track of all the inventory. That's his job. We get to my dad's house. He opens up the back.

The couch isn't in there. He left the couch at the first place. I'm like, the only reason we crossed the bridge to come to Staten Island was to drop off this couch. He was like, can I get some money to go back? I got to pay the toll. And I was like, oh, my God. You can't hire comics. But I paid him and fucking.

I did a couple of those with him, and he's just got a cigarette in his mouth the entire time. He's breathing smoke in your eyes the entire time. And you got to sit in that little front part of the truck, whatever you call it. The white windowless van. You're like, we're pedos. Makes great sauce, though. Oh, yeah. Mike Racine, and a great comic.

You know what the secret is, is the carrots. Oh, really? He puts just a little bit of carrots in there. Don't give it away. The bison. That's all he has. It's the Flaming Moes episode. Oh, yeah.

Love Mike Racine. Mike's a great comic. We actually just rewatched one of his Conan sets, and he's like, dude, he's got so many good jokes in that set. He's got a kid now, too. Everyone's having kids. That's right. That's right.

You want to do it. I want to do it. All right. Yeah. Give me a year. Give me a year. Do you guys have like 401ks and investments and do stuff like that, or you don't think like that?

I got all that shit. Yeah, I do. Do you have a financial planner that does it, or you do it? I have a financial planner that does i have a guy with the same guy russell yeah yeah my god that's my guy oh yeah but but that's your accountant yeah yeah yeah yeah we got probably got the same schwab guy too charles schwab right got it yeah jordan belford is my guy he's uh very good yeah because you'd be surprised how many of our peers don't have any of that i want to start like wait are you telling me people in entertainment are not smart with money well i'm thinking of the ones of us who have it the ones

of us who kind of you know not to wear financial experts but if any of us can become financial experts it'd be a good business idea for us to create a company where the comics invest with us the ones who can't do it and we do it for them and they trust us this sounds like a horrible idea what do you think because i because i don't know shit about i know i hire people to do it for me we if we're involved then it goes south we're criminals easy made up but you're giving up so much money to these financial planners you don't even realize one percent you're like oh that's not a lot but it's like it is over the course of 30 years you're going to give them like millions of dollars but if we can learn it ourselves yeah well you guys both fired your

managers right yeah but then i re-hired another one oh i'm still giving away 20 of my money i am too and it's kicking my ass not me i get these guys doing all my shit but i'll say this about my manager emilio savone aka the italian woman i'll say this he's got a ponytail yes i'll be careful i said this he's got a ponytail he's going to a midlife crisis so not great woman but what he's what i like about him is because he he has graduated you know from being a manager and all that he's kind of in the new world where it's not just he's not like booking my flights it's not what he does it's like he's digitally marketing me he's he's all that stuff it doesn't matter if you call into a radio station anymore and get on. It's fun, but nobody cares.

It's the digital marketing. It's the Facebook. It's the Instagram. It's all that. And he does all that. It's the constantly on the venues that you're going to, like, you know, getting their email list, email. He's controlling all that. So for me, that's like worth the money.

Oh, yeah. But what about the little thing? Because I'm a retard. I can't book a flight. I'll fuck it up. I'll drive to LaGuardia when I'm going out of Newark. I do all that shit. He would do that too.

But I just, for me, I guess since I became a dad, I just know where I'm supposed to be always. But if you need that, yeah, I just like to do it because I like to pick my flight. I like to use my points. I like to take some time. But he would do that too. Okay, okay. Because I can't do any of that shit. Any kind of planning.

Mark had his manager book his honeymoon. Honeymoon, wedding, vacation. Did you take a commission? Yeah, because I'm already paying the guy. So I'm like, you want my 10%? I think managers are running scared a little bit. I think they know that this is kind of a dying thing, these management companies.

How bad do we really need them anymore? I mean, you don't have one. You're doing all right. It's been years. Yeah. Yeah, and you get 10%. I save that and I invest that in video stuff. I pay for...

I just try to put it all back. That's a lot of money. Well, I put everything back into my... Career. Into the shows and the road. But you make a million dollars a year. You give them 10%. That's 100 grand.

That's a lot of fucking money. Yeah. That's more than Salke's ever seen or paid for a sweater.'s a tax write-off but it's still money it's still a lot true true it's a lot of i think that we're all i think because here's the thing here's the thing is i told i i went you know i've been trying to do my own investing now right i have the vanguard account i've been trying to like watch my own things look at my own just be a little i still have the money with all these guys that we have because I'm like, trust experts. You got to delegate and trust experts.

I'm all about that. But I'm like, I need to start to be on the path to try to know this stuff and understand this stuff for my kids. Right. Oh, same here, dude. I'm like, GameStop is due to make a comeback. I'm going all in. 100%.

I'm going all in on that. You should do that. Get your money in crypto right now. Dogecoin. But one thing, because sometimes like we don't realize i was talking uh you know an independent you know planner he's just a friend of mine he has not does not i try to talk to people now that are not incentivized to make money off me because then you get like the real talk to a mob incentivized to make money off you they're gonna

they're very cunning at like put your money with me even i'll make you more of a return it's all capitalism which i'm for because i love this country but i will say talking to an outside source he was asking me he was like he showed i showed him my gross income and then my net is so radically different it's so much radically lower than the gross where he was like you know where is where is all this money going he was like are, are you overspending? I was like, no. And I'm showing him, I have like charts and everything. He's like, where's 20% of your money? Like every month you're giving so much of it away. I was like, that's to the manager and to the agent. And he said, he was like, I have no idea about,

I'm not creative. I have not the slightest clue of what goes on in the creative world. He was like, I am telling you. He's like, I've been doing this 25 years. I am telling you 1000's like i've been doing this 25 years i am telling you 1000 that's a racket that is the definition of a racket there is no there is no way anybody figured out mathematically why you have to give 10 to a manager and 10 an agent they are just saying you have to do it because you have to do it it's mafia shit

that is absolutely that's why i got rid of a man he was like you are being ripped off there is no way that they should be taking that much this is what i'm saying he said a professional athlete gets a contract they give them what one percent two percent of the contract maybe three percent and the argument will be oh well that's because i only make a one-time negotiation for you at three percent so that's why it's so much less but i'd argue that it's like it's the same with me you're you've taken me in as whatever a commodity right a commodity a talent so it's like why do you get like so the 10 the work that you do for me at 10 now is the same work that you're going to get 10 of when hopefully i'm five times as big you're the same how does this make sense how long before

we get artificial intelligence as an agency? Oh, it's coming. That's another thing I want to talk to you about. I'm working on it. It's coming. It's called Chris GPT. Is this the manager we went through five years ago? Because they helped you grow.

So maybe they deserve a little bit of sort of back pay. But you get bigger and you're still paying them 10% of the more money you're making. But you wouldn't have gotten to. This is just their side of the argument. You wouldn't have gotten there without this. Right. And I understand that. I understand that wholeheartedly.

The truth is it's their argument because they're being in a position to say, how else am I needed unless I tell you if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be there. Of course, the fans don't give a shit. They pay to see Sam. They don't care who you're repped by. I think you cut the manager and you invest that 10% in analingus and prostitutes. I think that's what you do. That's what I want to do.

Keep morale high. That's what I want to do because I've sat my children down and told them, like, I need prostitutes so I keep the relationship fresh with your mother. Yes. Here, here.

That's my daddy. That should be your sitcom. It's just that, but with a laugh track. I'm sorry. I bang whores sometimes. Just a huge explosion. I have jazz and I have jizz. My dad sat me down when he was 16.

He's like, Chris, the key to success is whores. Do we have news? Yeah, we got some good ones. I like your shirt, by the way. Thank you. It's old school. You're the one. Sent me an ad got some good ones. I like your shirt, by the way. Thank you. It's old school. You're the one. Hey.

Sent me an ad. I was like, I like that. Is it on Paul Fredericks? Oh, I don't know. Okay. PFs. You look good. Well, you look good.

I like it. Thank you, gentlemen. Yeah, very old school. I've got a news story here. Robert De Niro has revealed that he has become a father for his seventh child. He is 79 years old. Can we make the font smaller? What do you think?

I saw that today. There we go. Wow. Father of the seventh child. His age? What is he, 78? 79 years old. His worst decision since Meet the Fockers.

You didn't like Meet the Fockers? Nah, I liked the first one. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. Meet the Parents was great. That was great. I have nipples. Let me take a wild guess. The kid's half black. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. I like the first one. Meet the Parents was great. That was great. I have nipples. Let me take a wild guess. The kid's half black.

Oh, he loves the dark. Hey, so do I, my friend. They got divorced, though, is him and his wife, who is- He found another one. He's got a string of black women. Yeah. Easy. He used to date one of the waitresses at the cellar.

Really? Yeah. He dated the waitress for years, and then he would come to the cellar. That was like his side piece. Are we allowed to say her name? Is that public? Yeah. She loves the home.

Let's leave the name. I think she dated a **** at Ida. Oh, okay. I fucked her. We all had a turn. She loves white dick. All right. He's got a kid now, and I didn't know he's 79.

Well, Jagger just had one as well, and he's got to be up there. So the male sperm can really swim. Ready for this fact I just learned? The last living person whose father fought in the Civil War, which was from 1861 to 1865, just died two years ago. So that means there was a guy walking around two years ago whose father fought in the civil war because his the father fought in the civil war when he was 16 he had this kid at 90 years old he was 90 when he had this kid and then that kid grew on to i think

the guy died when he was like 101 wow so it's at 90, this guy had a kid and he had fought in the Civil War. So he fought someone probably 50 years younger than him. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because the women, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And he fought for the South. Yeah, he fought for the South. He's probably his cousin.

Yeah, yeah. Wow. Well, you know, Ari Shaffir's dad was in the Holocaust. True story. Really? His dad. That's how old Ari is. Right.

Yeah. So, I mean. Well, how old is Ari? In his 50s? No. I'd say so. No, he's 51. A lot of these guys are sleeper picks, man.

Oh, yeah. You think they're young and they're like, they're close to 50. Will Savinza's 68? Something crazy. I don't know how much Ari is in Jew years. Bert Kreischer is only 24. Don't look up Ari's age. Tom Segura is only like 43.

Tom Segura is not that much older than us. It's crazy. He's killing it. He looks good. He looks great. He's got a trainer. Every day at 8 a.m. he trains. He looks very good.

Two kids. They both look good. Let's stay on track here with the Jews. Yes. An ice cream stand near Aus go off yeah don't get the train great segue matt thank you uh an ice cream stand near auschwitz concentration camp causes a bit of a controversy okay i don't know ice they have ice they serve ice cream great idea after that shit show you need a little pick meme-up. Exactly. You know, it's happiness after this hell.

Yeah, were we supposed to starve these kids too? What the hell? Oh, my God. I like that. I'm glad you said it. Yeah. Do I have free license on this topic? Oh, yeah.

I mean, look, it's far away. It's not like there's a dude in there with, like, hot dogs and beer being like, get your hot dogs, you know? Kosher, kosher. Made from the real bodies made from the same oven yeah i went to um dachau in uh in uh was it germany concentration camp and they had to say they had to tell us before we got off the bus onto the you know into the dachau do not make please, please do not go on Snapchat.

Do not do any Instagram filters. Please do not take any fun selfies in front of the ovens or on the fields because people do that all the time and it really upsets the locals. Yeah. I was like, wow. That upsets the locals?

Not burning six million Jews? Well, these influencers go out there and go, here we go, folks. I'm here. And they make a joke about it. Some guy's selfie just like. exactly yolo yeah well it's uh no i think i think the who cares it's ice cream right i mean i guess people need to eat you know hashtag genocide yeah well it helps like it helps kids learn probably right if you're if you're like oh we'll get ice cream after it's something

to look forward to but it's kind of a Jew-y move. Like, how can I make money off of this? Right. Hey, I don't care. Sell ice cream. Just don't sell any Bud Light. No, sell it all. I'd love to fuck Dylan McKavy.

Yeah. You know. I think if it's a Jewish guy selling it, it should be all right. Let him get some money out of this. Yeah. Why the hell not? That's reparations. He owns the ice cream stand. That's a good flavor reparation yeah over 1 million jews died at this you know in australia

she's like well i'm dying for some fucking rocky road yeah let's do this six million flavors there we go hey folks we might be drunk is brought to you by Dewar. Oh yeah. Well, when Dewar sent us over their top of the line shorts, I didn't expect them to be this good. Dewar makes the most comfortable pants, breathable, lightweight, and durable. They never go out of style. I'm wearing them right now. I feel free.

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get left behind get 20 off at manscape.com with promo code drunk here here here's another news story iowa couple charged with leaving their child behind to take a trip to Kansas City. Wow. How bad is Iowa? You need to live it up in KC. Yeah. I mean, that's... Yikes.

Where did they leave the child? Like a home alone situation? Yeah, home alone situation, yeah. This is real life home alone, though. You don't have this. You have, you know, a kid wandering for fentanyl. Yeah. Do you...

How old was the kid i'm checking here he's young i think by the way what's his fucking last name matt uh-oh also i think they're dressed the same let's see we got uh chancy mariah raylan and oh that's there's a lot of kids buford no no there's another name in there. Oh, Jacob Burrell, 30 years old. Whoa, doggie. He spells it differently, though. He's not a real Jew. Yeah, that's not a drug of choice, usually. But, yeah, they left the kid on like a...

Oh, a seven-year-old. Seven. Wow. Seven is... It's illegal. I'm trying to think. I have a seven-year-old daughter. She would...

If I left her alone for a day, I think she'd survive. Give her an iPad. Well, this kid survived, right? Yeah. But yeah, you can't, yeah, but, yeah, no, no. Yeah, I don't,

that's not good. What age kid could you leave on the streets of Manhattan and like, they could live? Like, for a day or two. Do they have the apartment or on the street?

They're on the street. Well, Manhattan is much easier than being abandoned on a highway here although i'm looking at their mug shots i think this kid might be better off i don't know yeah true the guy's not bad looking the lady's terrifying but yeah now wait they didn't leave him in the home they literally left him on the street yeah yeah that's crazy why did they do it were they in like a drunken, drug-fueled stupor? I think Kansas City is just that good.

Yeah, they wanted that barbecue. Right. Damn, that is rough. What can you do? Fuck that kid. They're better off. I mean, these kids will go to a foster home and live it up. Honestly, if I was at foster care and I took in that kid,

first thing I'd do, take her to Auschwitz get some ice cream we're getting ice cream where? get on the flight I'm looking at her face the barbecue ain't the only thing slow

in uh yeah right by the way Haagen Dazs sounds like a concentration camp I'm taking you to Haagen Dazs

no Van Leeuwen a lot of German Breyers I don't think Van Leeuwen? A lot of German. Breyers? I don't think Van Leeuwen's German, but it sounds it. It's got the van. Kids love a van. All right, so a cow in Poland escaped a slaughterhouse and swam across the river to an island where it remained for weeks.

The cow became a symbol of freedom and was eventually pardoned by the president of Poland. Then they ate him. The cow, now named Saved, lives out his days in a farm sanctuary. What is this, Cool Hand Luke? What the hell is going on? I know, right? I didn't know cows could swim. Yeah, me neither. Interesting. I think the udder helps you

float. Maybe, yeah. Yeah. Utter madness. Oh, there we go. Oh my god, look at that. Even the black cow. Alright. Okay. There at that. Even the black cow. All right. Okay. There it is. Clip it.

They're not good swimmers, though. That doesn't look silly. They were hanging in there. They were hanging in, but I don't know. So he gets to live, but then he has to watch all his friends get turned into a Big Mac? Right. That's a weird existence. So you're safe.

Every other cow is dead. Dude, I watched a documentary i think it's something about fish is it sea spiracy one of those yeah fish are disgusting like i thought you're eating fish reading a cleaner meat a wild salmon it's all lies like salmon is not that salmon that we eat that's pink that's not its actual color at all like it's not oh really no if you look at it like the the videos, they have like rashes all over them and blisters because of like the contamination of like the water. Fish is worse for you, even wild fish, than red meat, they say, because of all the toxins. Really?

Which you don't know. Yeah. Like I was getting these omega-3 fish oil pills from Nordic Naturals, which is like I thought like, oh, it's Nordic. It's the Vikings. It's free fish. But they're like, it's all fish farm. So it's like loaded with chemicals where you should be getting your omega-3s from algae

because the fish eat the algae and that's where they get the cardiovascular benefits. So if you just like go to the source and eat the algae pills that's supposedly that's better than fish oil that's better there's a new fad every three years they would say a fish oil was good for you know add and it gave you health benefits and stuff like that now they're saying that because of all that was true but now because of all the you know chemicals in these fish farms and over production of fish and oh it's going to get to the point where like the fish and most of the food we eat is all going to have to be genetically made in a in a lab yeah it's just going to have to be because the wild animals we've polluted the earth

so much that it's it the only way to do it is to now just home just make like the chicken from kfc is some of the healthiest chicken you can eat because it's genetically made in a lab whoa so it's like it removes all of it. Oh, no, dude. I've seen the people who eat it. They don't look that healthy. I know. Well, no.

Fried chicken is bad, but it's like the healthiest type of fried chicken. Right. That makes sense, but it's so funny that the people who are so anti-vegan are going to be eating food that's prepped similar to how vegans are eating. Yeah. Because if it's made in a lab and it's altered. It's just where we're going. Yeah.

It was wild. We've got so many people that you have to keep pumping in these drugs to these animals to make them grow and get bigger and bigger because we need to feed everybody right so yeah they're full of drugs and contaminants so you're right i think the lab shit will be cleaner yeah we've depleted something like we've depleted something like 80 percent of the fish source fish sources in the atlantic ocean are gone already from like from just like a hundred years damn yeah it's wild dude we really will ruin some shit but hey right now but hey man we're going down man yeah let's get going down now it's the time to go down have fun and ice cream it sucks because i actually like seafood i love seafood

seafood's probably my favorite man i ate a bunch of crawfish the other day, and I just think of Norman every time I eat it. No, I know. It's in New Orleans? No, it was in Texas, but that's like Mark's favorite food. I had a big old bag last week in New Orleans. Just eat it right out of a bag. Crack it open. I had crawfish ravioli once.

It was awesome. Really? Very nice. You can put anything in ravioli. True. Yeah, you can put anything. Viking shit, whatever. Auschwitz ice cream. I love ravioli true yeah you can put anything biking shit whatever al schmidt's ice cream i love ravioli ravioli tortellini i'm a big cheese filled pasta guy yeah no it's the best

yeah i mean it's just cheese and pasta i think italian food's the best food and i really don't think it's like when people try to debate it they just it's like just shut up it's just it's the safest food it is a say i mean is it i mean it's just it's all noodles it's a different shape and then a sauce what's mexican food right you can go to an italian restaurant and you could just pretty much know that at least something on the menus you're gonna oh that's true that's true you can't go wrong i just feel like italian is safe like i feel like you can't really bring anyone out although these days who knows people have like weird gluten shit and this car a lot of carbs yeah i went to food in sicily everyone talks about how the food in italy and sicily is like amazing and mind-blowing and maybe it's because i went in there with like this notion

of like this food's going to be great but like every other meal was like not that good yeah it was like a couple of dishes that i had like this is the best pizza or best positive ever out of my life but then every other dish was like this is like fine right i think they we have so much preservatives and salt and stuff in our food that it's like america we just have the best food like they don't have this shit in italy this size they just don't have it well you can find it but it's like in the tourist parts for americans like they would never eat this and i'm like you know yeah this is how you have to live they also don't have this size in italy no you can't you can't even attempt to buy clothes in italy like i i went to um in h&m in palermo sicily just like killing time walked around and i my size waist is a 36 and i put on

what a 36 is there and it was like i couldn't even get my thigh it could they wouldn't come past my thigh wow and i was like what size would I be here? Like a 44? And they're like, oh, we only have up to 38. Prego. Everything is prego. Your next special size 40 waist. Yeah. I ate too much prego. That's what they say.

Prego, prego. But that's like, yeah, no, something about New York food. People will say like New York, like, you know, New Haven is the best pizza. But I feel like New York is so consistent. Very good Joe's. We may not have the best food, but we like new york is so consistent like we may not have the best food but we're just so consistent can't go wrong yep yeah i mean like i you just walk into this random bakery and there's not even a line and it's some of the best sweets you've ever

had where it's like there would only be one of these in another city and it'd be like a two-hour wait to get in but we just like any pizzeria you walk into new york will like blow somebody's mind from another city well there's so much competition. You got to be good or you're gone. That's it. But Gomez told me he went to Italy, ate pasta and pizza

every day, lost weight because they have so much less preservatives and sugar and all that shit. And you walk so much. And you walk. Yeah, that's what I did.

I drank wine, ate pasta and pizza every day, went off my sweets rule, went off my intermittent fasting and I gained, I'd say the exact same weight. Isn't that weird?

And they drink wine and smoke cigarettes. headaches with the wine either i did not get one headache from drinking wine i was just because they don't have the sulfates in them yeah it's organic or is it well we have to put sulfates and preservatives and even when we import the wine but there they don't have to the sulfates really would i think give you the hangover yeah really well remember when we would drink that natural wine and we never got hangovers? No problem at all. No. But then the wine snobs here will trash the natty stuff.

Yeah, they're like, oh, that's fucking garbage. Try this. These wine guys don't know anything. I think if you put two different things in front of them, they couldn't tell. They're putting their nose in there. They're oaky. It's berry. Get out of here.

They must know something. You give your life to it. You've got to know something. I don't know. I'd like to see a blind taste test you ever seen a suave shampoo they put it in all these different bottles and they asked everybody what's the difference with scientists and they're like it's all the same really yeah suave and per plus and uh organic whatever bullshit it's all the same yeah people just follow they just have these political talking points and then when you ask

them one follow-up question they're like what i saw this video of this college kid this girl she was like i'm sick and tired of straight white men getting things that were designed for us and they're taking things that we deserve and blah blah blah blah blah and then the interviewer was like what's one thing that the straight straight white man has gotten from this university that you haven't gotten and she was like i have to go to class video and i'm like yeah i get it it's like he took he took that youtube video and got a lot of hits yeah yeah i was just like you know yeah if you're gonna fucking protest something just just have reasons why you're doing do the research don't just do it because everybody else is doing it part of being young is having that angst and not knowing well knowing why i feel like sure this

person was 45 going back to school yeah and now it's all over the internet before it was like annoying young people were annoying and you go all right whatever and you move on but now it's like in your face on tiktok it must be embarrassing you know being young and having this weird record of just doing dumb shit do you see dina dina shem what Oh, it was great. You know, she got kind of canceled or whatever for making that rapper joke years ago and like death threats and I'm going to come to your house and kill you. It was crazy.

She got doxxed. She got doxxed. It's crazy. Horrible. And people actually showed up to her house. I don't know about that. But she flipped out. She was really scared.

It fucked her up. Whatever. So she posted the other day. Where is it? She showed the direct message. It's on her stories. It might be gone by now. But she showed the other day where is it uh she showed the the direct message it's on her stories it might be gone by now but she showed the direct message it was like i'm gonna kill you bitch you talk like that about a rapper i'm gonna come to your house and slit your throat and then that was 2018 you can see the date one message later i can't believe i was this cringe sorry and you're

like whoa people can change people can wake up later a couple years later they were like geez that was you know what still fuck that guy yeah still like like great that you had some growth but like you're writing to someone you're gonna slit their throat but you got a thousand of those that's the truth there there is truth to that what sam's saying too because i think about that a lot as well i'm like you know yes so and so we're all different whatever but it's like i was 18 once i've been through consequences i never told everyone anyone i want to slit their throat of course do this i wasn't dming women yeah violent threats yeah like i think i think progress is good but also like i'm

not going to celebrate his fucking uh growth i'm not saying he's a hero but i think it's a good sign that people can come back to earth and wake up a little. But no, I agree. This guy's a piece of shit. We want to be in a society of forgiveness. I agree with that. But it's like, for me, it's like sometimes if the person has that in you, then you have that in you. Like, you know, like if you have it in you, you have it in you.

And yes, you've grown. Apology accepted. Fine. But it's also like, don't ever come in my space again. It's like, you know. You're evil. You got evil in you. You have it in you. So it's like you know you're evil you got evil yeah you have it in you so it's like i don't want to be near that yeah right now there's this uh what

do you call the southern baptist the gay hating god hate convention no no the guy that fags people the westboro people they're all like you know go to gay funerals and pro that good you're going to hell gay guy your gay son sucks whatever you're all going to hell and then a lot of them now have come to light and be like oh shit that was crazy sorry about that and i think that's good you know as much as i hate those people and they're they're ignorant and stupid no it is better than just them staying like that yeah forgiving someone in my opinion like you forgive them and whatever if they but that doesn't mean i have you have to be in my life every day i can forgive you and move on and good point but it's like good point we don't have to be friends yeah i think dina should

hang out with that guy he seems cool that'd be yeah i'd pay good money to watch that i get so angry dude i get like i i left the uh i left the doctor and uh oh my god you know what fucking happened to me is this may be a bit here but this happened to me i was leaving the uh doctor yesterday they fucked up my appointment like i i took it down very no way it was my fault i was like you took it i sound fun a date right now uh there's no way this was my fault no they gave me the they took down the wrong date i so i go in they're like no this is your fault i said no it's not i took this down correctly and the woman starts laughing in my face and i was like you know my neck's in pain you're laughing at a person in the hospital and she just goes

she goes i'm sorry oh but i still was angry i'm like what do i do with this anger that's big of her though i know that's big of her to say sorry i know no i appreciate it but now you gotta punch something because you gotta get it out somewhere yeah can i still hit you in the face real quick right he's like all right yeah no i uh oh sorry i was walking my dog yesterday on my block and a car pulled up and the window rolled down this woman just dropped a can of coke out the window i hate that and i'm like right in line with her so i'm eyeballing her i'm walking dog and she hits me with i litter i'm a bitch deal with it yeah i'm a murderer there's acceptance in the honesty of it yeah anyway well i was telling my mom this whole thing that happened afterwards you know i'm on the phone

my mom and i'm complaining about because it took her a while to apologize she didn't just say i'm sorry i was like you know this is really rude and and i kept my cool but you know i wanted to call it a horrible name gd i'm telling her to process shit as a GED. I'm telling my mom this shit. And I go, what a trash bag of a humor. My mom goes, where did you learn to speak like this? I don't speak like this. And I'm thinking maybe the angle for the bit could be like, yeah, men my age don't learn to speak from their mother.

You think guys are just having confrontations? And as I'm walking out, I'm like, I have never. Ever. I said good day. How dare you? I'm going to write a letter. I'm like, I have never. Ever. I said good day. How dare you? I'm going to write a letter. I'm going to get your father. That's a funny bit. Maybe there's a bit there.

Definitely a bit. Yeah. I don't know. I didn't teach you to speak like this. Yeah, yeah. I also know a lot of dirty talk. You didn't teach me that either, lady. No, they put the needle.

I went today. I got the neck injection. And it's so weird having to leave because I i'm like hey guys hurry up i'm there for a while i'm like hurry up i've got to be somewhere i got to be at a work thing and they're like oh you have a work thing and i'm like i have to get drunk in the afternoon please i have to yeah but uh no man but she did apologize so that she apologized i did appreciate that and i saw her again today and there was like a nod i didn didn't, it was, you know. There was no.

Listen, people acknowledge they mess up. That's fine. I think, I think it's the, yeah. When the people who like, they get so insecure about their fuck up that they just like, well, now I'm going to just stand. They dial in. Because it's like, there's a dishonesty there. Yes.

But being honest about it, it's like, you know, it's like in the revolutionary war, honest about it's like you know it's like um in the revolutionary war major john andre he got he was british and he got um caught spying for the british and because he was a major they said george washington said well you know you're a major so you spied though and he was like listen i spied i know i spied you guys caught me i'm not even trying to deny this. I'm a spy. And because of that, they were like, look, the penalty for this is firing squad. That's what happens. But since you're the major and you were honest, we're going to let you hang yourself. Well, you can hang instead. We have to kill you one way or another.

You have to get executed. Wow. But they let him choose his own execution because— it's like the worst version of the prices right yeah you either get firing squad or you eat viking shit ravioli yeah so what did he do he hung himself he got well he was probably better but and is this from the david mccullough book i'm sure they mentioned it but i just know that this is actually i actually learned about That's probably better. Is this from the David McCullough book? I'm sure they mentioned it, but I just know that this is actually, I actually learned about Major John Andre from the show called Turn. It was about the Washington, George Washington spiring, Culpepper spiring.

Very interesting. But what they do is for him, for him, what they did is rather than just letting him hang there and like let his eyes bulge out of his head, they hung, they brought his, you know, they wrapped the noose around his neck and then they brought him up to the next branch up, and they just let him drop, so he broke his neck. Whoa. It's an instant death. That's better. Better. Not great. Be honest, kids.

Don't spy, I guess. That might help your neck. Yeah, for real. They give the major John. I feel a lot better right now after this injection. What did they inject you with? Cortisone? No, it wasn't cortisone.

I couldn't be drinking those cortisone. It was some sort of. Yeah, you can. I mean, I have. Yeah. But you're not supposed to. Yeah. No, but I'm glad it's.

Yeah, because that next shit. Having like a debilitating injury like that, it just makes you feel like it reminds you to be grateful when you're not in pain. Yes. Because a lot of times we're only reminded of being grateful when we're in pain or really sick, but it's like you've got to think about it every day. So true.

You've got to be grateful every day. Because the neck goes out. You have a bad night's sleep, and you're like, oh, this sucks, and I never think about it when it's not bad. It sucks, and I'm trying to exercise through it all the time, but I'm just in pain. It sucks. But also you don't want to be that dude who's complaining all the time.

Right. I already complain all the time. I'm a comic. It's like, you know. Yeah. I know. How about those OnlyFans twins? Oh, from my Instagram?

Yeah, they were pretty hot, right? What happened? They were pretty hot. I missed this. Oh, they were in San Diego. Yeah, you did. Everybody's talking. We were talking about the mall trip,

the guys who I was with. I've been potting all day. I haven't seen this. You got hit up by twins? No, they were in the crowd and they were like pretty hot only fans twins and uh it's hilarious i'm we're all jerking off to sam moral's instagram and i literally uh and literally um a girl i'm seeing is like did you uh did you sleep with them and i was like i spent the night with you what are you you talking about? She's like, I'll ask you again. They were really smoking hot.

Oh, really? Do they show themselves? They should have thrown up their OnlyFans. Someone tagged them. Someone in my comments tagged them. I think they're pretty popular. A big screen here. There we go.

Look at these twins in slow. And then, of course, there was an OnlyFans guy there, too. With his girl. Where he's like, I just show cock. Was that the Crest Theater? Was it Sacramento? No, that was the Balboa. Oh, Balboa was a good theater too, right? Yeah, it was beautiful.

I love San Diego. San Diego is one of the best. Beautiful women too. San Diego. Nice Republican gem. It is red. It's like, it's in the, it's purple. Yeah, it's purple.

It's purple. I'm kidding, yeah. But no, San Diego is a great comedy crowd. Great crowds. That club, that American comedy company there was always cool because they'd give you weed and edibles and stuff right in the green room there if you wanted. Really? I couldn't work there because he called my agent the C word in all caps, and that cost

a lot of clients' work. And then he would always offer way more money than what the comedy store offered, but I was like I guess I'm gonna go with the one that didn't call her the C you kind of like

you almost hope the other club can you call her a cunt too this one has more money but now we got Berkowitz so he's like call me a cunt all day yeah I like it

he turns me on the club just explodes what the hell Berk's upset if you don't call him a cunt he's like what the fuck I thought we were doing a good deal here

you're supposed to tell me you want to kill me and my family. It's so funny. Chris and I have this power agent, but then he's just at the Knicks game the other night, and he's just texting me, and he's just like, I'm so sad. It's so weird to see a guy who you just used to be like, fuck you, give me the best deal, and you're like, yeah. Then he's just like, I'm not happy with you.

He's just like one of us. Yeah. Yeah, he's like, I know was like he was like it's so beautiful to see the way you are with your daughters sometimes i want to feel like that i'm like no you don't you need to be a fucking hard-ass motherfucker don't go soft on me yes you're rooting against them having the life at all yeah no i'm like i want you to get a vasectomy now you're always available it's great i want you to be mad he raps like bill burr and kevin hart and

he still gets back to like all our texts because he just doesn't stop working wow it's pretty awesome yeah good for him yeah that's what you want i'm waiting i remember one time i had an agent who accidentally sent me i think it was like jb smooth's offer and it was like something this was like a few years ago it was like he sent me he's like hey got the money up you're gonna be making you know a hundred grand for this thing and i was like oh my god yes i like told my family like you know like it was like that um from our fresh prince of bel-air when the butler thinks he won the lottery and it's like telling everyone fuck you fuck you and then he was like sorry man that was for jb smooth yeah he was like you're a 1500 for cap city

you're literally like i'm gonna be leon on curb and they're like no you're the new caesar sports book guy no he's a really cool guy jb great guy i barely know him couldn't be nicer a couple times i met him he was like the nicest dude i did jim and sam with him once i don't know what he said he talked the whole time i didn't understand any of it but then he took photos with us after he was super nice jb smooth one time one of the first opportunities i ever got like in you know when i was like just doing comedy as a full-time job was i got to be in a nike commercial for carmelo anthony's when he was on the knicks

like his new sneakers oh yeah and jb smooth was like the lead guy and i was like somebody on the train that like would talk to him or whatever and it seems like yeah yeah chris de stefano carmelo anthony jb smooth nike commercial i don't know and i know you did this yeah it was like it was like 2013 and um and and just what was it for it was for carmelo anthony's like sneaker like nike sneaker what yeah it had to be nike yeah i think is this it jordan stay mellow this is it stay mellow so the this is the fortune teller one yeah that's me and him oh look at that yeah and then we did one on a train so you got to meet mellow too no mellow Mellow too. No, Mellow didn't come. Yeah. But watching. You're right with him.

Right with him. Yeah, I just, I was doing comedy like whatever, two years. Someone made $100,000 for this. It's great. Yes. Yep. And so. Those are pretty cool shoes.

They were good. They were comfortable. Did they give you a pair? Yeah. Not only did they give you a pair? Yeah. Not only did they give me a pair, they gave me a pair of the Carmelos. And then they gave me 10, because it's all with Jordan. They gave me 10 pairs of Jordans. Like the 1s, the 2s, the 5s.

They gave me the Laneys. They gave me all these different types of Jordans. My daughter had just born. No, that wasn't it. I got in with Nike in a way. And then when my daughter was born a couple of years later, they sent her like 10 pairs of Jordans with Nike sweatsets, Jordan sweatsets for like each year. Like I still have Jordans and they went all the way up to size 10. Like they were so cool but

then i don't know what happened i lost contact with them but anyway watching carmella watching jb smooth interact on a set and keep it funny the whole time and learn everybody's name yeah i was like oh shit like that's how you do it watching him i was like oh okay so he's humongous star and he acts this way so it's like don't ever you know think that you're bigger than you are because i saw a guy at his level be so kind and down to earth and cool i was like the ones who you see or hear about are like just like dicks to everybody i think they're just really like insecure and like they don't want to be bigger than they are exactly because the ones who are confident don't act that way every time every story you read about nicholson on set back in the day he was like the coolest dude. He was awesome to everybody.

And you're like, yeah, that's what you fucking do. Yeah. But that shouldn't even be celebrated. Like, that's how it should be. We've all had that headliner that you opened for who was super mean. And you're like, but I don't even respect you. You're bombing every night. You're a hack.

You have a puppet. Yeah. You hear that, Dunham? No. No. Did you ever work with him? I never worked with him. He seems like a nice guy, Jeff Dunham.

He's a zillionaire. Oh, my God, dude. He sells out like arenas. Huge. We sell out like one night or so. Exactly. Exactly. It's just like he's – I was doing Dallas.

I was doing the House of Blues or something in Dallas a few months ago, and he was doing the arena. Yeah. There were people for his show at my hotel, and I was going down the elevator, and one of the kids that was with his family like recognized me he's like oh you're here i was like yo you guys coming to the show they're like now we're going to see jeff dunham yeah i was like oh man i was but then but then

when my show i realized my show ended at like 8 30 i was doing seven o'clock shows his only started at eight i was like oh i want to get in yeah i want to see him but i couldn't get in oh that's my jeff dunham alarm it's interesting that you did, but I couldn't get in. Oh, that's my Jeff Dunham alarm. It's interesting that you did that ad with Mello and JB. I mean, it's so amazing. These athletes just get paid. They don't even have to show up. I know.

They're just using a clip of him with a basketball. No, I'll tell you. I'll be honest. This was 2013. I had no money, had just started. But I, me, two lines in that they gave me 100 000 wow 100 000 of like i couldn't believe it like i remember i was crying my dad was like because that was like the first time i ever made anything yeah you know and so i was like holy shit so i was thinking even back then if i got a hundred thousand dollars i'm like nothing well you have a shoe deal what did jb get what did carmelo get you know you see these ads now where it's like

kevin hart and and iverson and steph curry and it's like it looks like they're all photoshopped in it looks like they didn't even all do they're all so busy that i think they they just used uh cgi or whatever is that right they did and just for that like i don't think kevin hart's going onto your set for something like a chase commercial whatever for you have to give him like a million dollars easily easily are they together there's no way they're together why not they're probably all too busy yeah but they do look a little fuzzy that's what i'm saying i bet kevin was there and the rest weren't because he's got a visa thing he's got like a Chase contract, I think. Interesting.

That could be the future. Just CGI. Why do we need Chris D? Right. We'll just put a little image up of Chris D. That's it. Why not? Getting his ass in.

Oh, I know who I think is gay. Mitchell Robinson. Who's that? I think Mitchell Robinson from the Knicks is gay. It's possible. It would be awesome if he was. I think he is. He's our first gay star.

Yeah. I bet I can tell by the way he dribbles. Is Mitchell Robinson gay? I think he is. Oh, super gay. That's a wrap. Hey, man. I'm working on a dish, man.

It is what it is. He might just have a lisp. I don't know if he's definitely. Mateo pops up from underneath the thing. We love Mesh. I thought, yeah. I could see it. I thought he was.

I love Mitchell Robinson. It'd be great to have an actual NBA superstar. Especially in New York. Who's gay? We need it. Who is it? That might be a nice tactic right now. Like, you're a bubble player or whatever.

You're looking for a max deal. You come out of the closet. You're getting it. That's a good point. You're not getting the deal, but you're getting endorsements. Be gay for the deal. That's my new reality show that I'm pitching. Take it to the butthole.

Gay for the deal. Take it to the butthole. Hey, rip job. Do we have any other news stories or we've touched them all? We touched them all? We got another one. A man in Pennsylvania was arrested for attempting to mail a live snake. The man attacked the snake into a box and attempted to ship it to another state.

The package was discovered by a postal worker who contacted authorities. The man was charged with recklessly endangering another person. Now, was that really a dildo? And he was like, it's a snake. Just shipping a snake. I read this one. He actually, it was to his ex-girlfriend. Oh, he was to his ex-girlfriend. Oh.

He was trying to kill her. Yeah. I mean, but that's like, can you imagine you get a package from your ex and you're like, finally, I got my shoes back. Right. And it's a live snake. Whoa. He's like a stalker.

He's a creep. Yeah. Yeah. Damn. Do you mail stuff back after a breakup? No. No. I mean, for me, it's like, if we break we break up you know i just i anything that you want

there's nothing that i really need or care about that much that i would need to get back i mean do you send it to her though oh um i usually cut my losses too i don't i don't ask for shit i just don't know no keep the kids what's the best thing you left behind sam i don't know that's a good question good question probably his heart i broke up with this girl and uh we lived together she was like i'm coming to take all my stuff i was like no problem she had the key i was like i won't be there she took the fucking soap she bought me like half used bar of soap. Wow. That's petty. That's petty. She was mad. I really liked these purple chairs that I had.

I had these purple like upholstered chairs. And when I moved out, she got to keep the chairs. And then I swear to Christ, like month later, maybe three weeks later, I would like walk past like the old apartment just to like, you know,

smell her, whatever I was going through. And the chairs were out on the side by the fire hydrant for a garbage collection. Come on! They threw away the fucking chairs, yeah. And they were all fucked up and had all marks on them and stuff. I was like, fuck. I didn't think

the ass-eating was gay, but the purple of post-credit. You ruined my furniture! Yeah, yeah. I'm going to say right now I'm dating Mitchell Robinson. I had an ex- once mail me back i didn't ask for it but she mailed me back a julius randall jersey that i had and after this playoffs i'm like you could have kept it yeah as a matter of fact you're the reason why he's playing so bad you bitch but no i'm trying to think it's probably like sports related shit that i left there that you care about. Yeah. I don't, yeah, I'm just,

I don't really, but it's a passive aggressive move sometimes to mail it back. Of course. It's a message. It's a horse head. Sometimes it's them being nice. Like, Hey,

I miss you here. I'm sorry. Here's your stuff. But sometimes it's just like, no note here. Good riddance for my life. Yeah. I never bring shit over.

That's my move. Really? I keep it very separate segregation. I like it. I believe in it now, but yeah, I don't bring anything over. That's my move. Really? I keep it very separate. Segregation. I like it. I believe in it. No. But yeah, I don't bring anything over there.

And when I break up with them, I take it myself. I don't want to have to get any mailed or come back over. I don't want to see them again. Like you like to be where it's done, it's done,

it's separate. That's it. We're never talking to each other or seeing each other again. Totally. I usually don't want the shit back. I'm just like,

keep it. Even if it's like, you know, maybe it was like sneakers or something it's like the worst thing i lost yeah it's like you can buy new sneakers yeah they were never like like really expensive or anything well i'll tell you what you can't get the carmelo anthony sneakers in 2013 and i think it had something to do with my commercial you you got paid i got it now you know a lot about history yes i love history you're a buff i'm a buff baby well i'm

not a buff i'm not uh but i like certain parts of history i like to learn about it because i kind of feel like when you start to delve into history you realize there's really no new problems yes there's just new leaders there's new technology but the problems and the human the way the human mind works it's been exactly the same since the beginning of time yeah human nature nothing's new man history repeats itself and it can be comforting right yeah where the hell is he going but he was he's offended oh divorce he's gonna pick up oh what a good dad i love it um i wish he was my dad but it does help it's like it gives you comfort that you're like this shit has all happened before it really yeah yeah and it's like cold cold war with russia been there yeah we have the vaccine stuff been really oh yeah benjamin franklin was one of the first proponents to be

like get they would call it inoculation back then not vaccination but it's like get inoculated because his son died of um typhoid tuberculosis it was something uh was a typhoid his son died of what they thought at that time to be a preventable disease a lot of times people would get leeches you would get i think it was it might have been typhoid where you would get you had it i would put a leech on you suck your blood out infected blood give myself a little bit of it just enough to make me sick to build up the antibodies to to beat it and that and it was very controversial back then the same protests that were going on interesting the same exact thing except it was about leeches and inoculation

not about covid and vaccination interesting and you had people for it people against it the government getting involved the same exact thing just different technologies and different mouthpieces but the problem is now we have a megaphone before you were just like the i hate the inoculation guy on his porch you could all it was only a few people yes right yeah now it's just like it's all over viral this and that everybody has an opinion yeah that that is a that is an issue but it's a new factor honestly i think the way to solve that too is is like for me like i'm on social media i don't even run my own social media anymore i'm on social media so infrequently really because i'm like you made that decision no the cancer of it so what happened was it is evil is really so i lost like 40 pounds and got off so and and got off social media the beginning of the weight loss and the intermittent fasting and the social media coincided with each other. It was last August where I was like, I hate the way I

feel in my body and I hate the way my mind is. So I was like, I sat down for like hours one day and I was like, how do you fucking fix this? Like, you know, I'm always worried, you know, I'm still always worried about my kids, my family, but I was like, take a step away from them just for a few hours, go sit in a park, which I did shout out fort wadsworth park staten island sat there and it was a british stronghold during the revolutionary war but then we beat we got it back because we're americans fuck you limeys yep and and so i said figure this out and the way i came to i said i had seen i was on social media scrolling like mindlessly not thinking and i saw uh elon musk had tweeted this is not an ad this is not a plug i lost a lot of weight using this app called zero

fasting app intermittent fasting and i was like that i feel like that's a sign i said take this guy's advice take it and then so the mindless scrolling that you're doing that's stopping tomorrow doom scrolling yeah so i did that and i was like and and and it and i don't think that Take it. And then the mindless scrolling that you're doing, that's stopping tomorrow. Doom scrolling. Yeah. So I did that. And I was like, and I don't think that I've been able to continue my fasting and my weight loss stuff and my like staying focused on what I need to do in my career if I was still on social media.

Wow. Because I didn't realize subconsciously every day I was comparing myself to somebody else or comparing my life to somebody else's life that was all manufactured anyway. And then when I got rid of that and I started only thinking about me and my life and me and my world, I was like, I'm happy. I have what I want. So what if I'm not selling as many tickets as so-and-so or so what if this guy's more jacked than I am? It doesn't matter. And I don't see it every day if i see it i see it if i hear now when if i hear about a friend doing well i'm just genuinely happy for them as opposed

to comparing myself to them at nauseam all day every day so i'm doing great but you can't take that in because you're comparing i have a similar problem where i can't feel like the good a lot of the time it's just it's tough it's like i'll be bummed at one venue's not selling to my agent we'll be like this is like very good you're doing but that's okay because at least It's tough. It's like I'll be bummed at one venue who's not selling and my agent will be like, this is like very good. You're doing very good. But that's okay because at least it's,

I mean, it's, you know, we want to be happy all the time, but it's like, at least you're only comparing yourself to yourself. What happened to me was

I would be in a city and be like, oh, I sold out Baltimore and then, you know, because of geo tracking and tagging and all that because of these algorithms,

I would then see an ad for, you know, you guys are doing Baltimore next week and you have two shows sold out. So then it would automatically make my win feel like a loss when it's not a loss. It's just there's so much goes into that, though. Maybe like, you know, we all tour so much. Maybe you just played a city that was close to it. Right. Maybe it wasn't spaced out oh yeah no no there's all logical reasons why but for me it's like the you know like teddy

roosevelt says comparison is the thief of joy and i was like that's all i do all all social media is to me is a comparison yes compare and you will despair that's it for us it's you know it's it's a it's a networking tool and it's a publicity tool. It's a marketing tool to sell our tickets. So I'm fine with that, but I don't have anything to do with it. I give the guy who runs it the content. I approve the flyers and then he posts it because that's all I'm using it for. If you're doing it for anything else, then either you're comparing yourself to others or you're comparing you to you at a time in your past. Or you're comparing you to you at a time in your past.

And then what's going to start to happen is you're going to forget that six months ago you took that perfectly crafted picture of yourself with the right lighting. And you're like, man, I got to look like that guy again. But you actually look better than that guy. But you forgot that that image of that guy was just perfectly crafted and not real. So I don't even compare me to me. I only compare me to like present day me. Was I better yesterday? Am I trying to get a little bit better than yesterday? That's okay. so i don't even compare me to me i only compare me to like present day me yeah like was i better yesterday was i you know am i trying to get a little bit better than yesterday that's okay but when you're talking about me from a year ago i'm like i don't know so many things have

happened since then but we forget that you're living and then also not taking in the social media comments yes the negative is everybody knows about the negative of how much it hurts no matter what but the positive too the positive will throw your ego off the positive will make you kind of you know you'll get like this kind of version of yourself that like you have no balance and you're like oh these people are saying i'm awesome so i must be or these people saying i suck i must be when it's like really like both are probably true yeah right so you stay in the middle and we're all okay yeah and it's like you know and and i just think like and you got to compare yourself to what you wanted to be if you could see yourself now from 2010 or 2011 you'd be like what the fuck can i complain about think about any of us sitting at caroline's march

madness thing that we did in 2012 if any of us had the careers we have now, we'd be like, we would never complain. But yet it's 10 years later and all we do is complain. All we do is complain. You've got to be great. I complain about little dumb things. That's like I'm just irritable. You don't have to speak about the Chinese like that.

But, no, I'm happy. I'm pretty happy. I hope you can absorb and take it in because all of us, what we've done is pretty insane. You just fought with the doctor today. Yeah, but that's a little thing. You fought with the neck doctor. I'm like, why? No, I get cranky, but I'm, like, happy genuinely.

Little moments throw me off, but they don't throw me off like a day. But that's the thing. What I'm saying about me and social media and my fasting, it works for me because I needed to do that. But you may not need to do that. It's like some of us, we're here having a casual drink and it's fine. But some of our peers, if they did that, they'd be dead in a week. Yeah. So it's like whatever works.

You've got to find what works for you. I think that's what this game of life is. It's like what works for you? You've got to have discipline, too, because my lady's obsessed with TikTok and she won't get her eyes off it. We'll put a movie on. She can't stop. We're at a restaurant.

I have to take her phone away from her. And then she'll delete TikTok because she's like, it's ruining my life. And I'm like, great, good for you. Two days later, back on the phone. I'm like, whatever. She's like, I got TikTok again. And I'm like, you're it.

She'll find a reason to justify why she needs it. It's so sophisticated what they do to hook you in. I i mean they literally take the shit you look at the most that's the type of stuff they feed you you know what i get a lot here's a tiktok peeve is a ttp a ttp the people who are cooking but just like on their counter uh they're making nachos but they're just like throwing everything they're not using a tray it It's just chips, sour cream, cheese. I'm like, that's your table. These super cuts. A mouse ran across that thing an hour ago.

They don't care. Yeah. Yeah, but she loves that shit. I hate it. She's all over those. I mean, look, I watch, but that's why. Clearly, on some level, I'm into this cooking stuff or food stuff. Right.

I know, but I think it is bad, and it consumes so much of our brain space. I think I write less jokes and have less ideas because of the internet. You're not giving yourself that moment to just be isolated. We used to have that moment so much more where you would just kind of be, Louie used to call it being in the abyss. Yeah, that's a great thing. He once said to me, put the fucking phone down and be in the abyss. That's where the jokes come from.

What does he mean by that? Just in the isolation, alone, feel the sadness. And that's when the thoughts will come in. He's right. He's completely right. He did that bit on panel once. Great bit. He doesn't want his kids to have a phone because you get to just look at the phone and not feel sad.

But feeling sad is a part of being a human. And you've got to learn to deal with that or else you'll never be able to deal with it right i just think it's good for creativity to to not have a crutch to just lean yes yes because sometimes those low moments is when something really funny hits you like you know i was cranky about the doctor i'm like well maybe that's a joke what i just you know what i mean like you have those things where you're like yeah if i just looked at my phone it was like i'm cranky you don't you have to just like let yourself feel totally for a second i know my mom and then it goes away and you're good my mom told me once i wrote you know call her whatever like every other day and you know it's like after months and months and months of like always calling her she was like

you're always calling me like when you're driving alone and i was like yeah i mean like i'm bored i want to just be in the car alone driving to wherever she was like but you should be she was like you feel like you're you're making up reasons to call people because you don't want to be alone she was like but you should just practice being alone if you and if and it's a baby step to just hang yourself i know that's what i ate on in my childhood bedroom next to her i'm like and the note is you made me do this no but but she's right like and now i think about that sometimes i still cave and i'm like make up a reason to call a friend or text a friend or a family member but i'm like yes you you like we're so scared we never really have to be alone because of our phones but like being alone is like it's a great great thing yeah it's scary

though well that's that was so much of our early years of the comic oh it's just being in a hotel room and just being like i have to write because i'm alone i gotta do it right where now we take all these people with us and it's great. We've leveled up. But it's like, yeah, it's less time to write, less time to be creative. Or we're creative in another way, I guess, with the filming. And you got to do podcasts and that's time consuming. So, yeah, we have we need more content now and we have less time.

Well, that's something I've been actually actively thinking about. And that's why I think like I'm trying to get more into like finance or like quality over quantity because i'm like you know i started comedy and got into comedy because i didn't want a day job and we've put so much stuff on our plate that it's a day job now sure right it's it's a thing it's a beast you have to feed over and over and over again and i'm not saying it doesn't have to be like that because it might just be like this is the phase where it has to be like that but i'm trying to actively think of ways where it doesn't have to be like that yeah it's like you can just like get out of it because it's like every week i'll look at my schedule and i'll be like oh i'm not on the road this week i have nothing to do and then it's every day it's podcast meetings this that and it's like

well you realize there's there's power in saying no to shit and i think that's something that we forget because so many years of just true unpaid gig shitty paid gig weird thing that you have to just end there like you don't ever i remember mike di stefano you don't say no to nothing like that's the shit you would say you're like all right and then uh you get to a point where like you can say no i mean i had a meeting like like a general meeting and i was like there was something i wanted to do this day and now it's like in the middle of my day i can't do anything and i was like fuck this shit why am i doing there's no reason by the way with with in my opinion too especially with social media and what we do for a living there's no reason to ever have a general meeting you see what i yes just make the choice man google every my life is

on my life is on the internet exactly and we have the same cut you give me a water you go how you been no doing the road yeah we'll be in touch shut up yeah you got any ideas actually i do okay bye it's just it's just one of the things but like you realize you can say no like you don't have to do everything like people i think people expect us to do everything and and you don't have there are days where you just be like i i'm gonna take a day off well i think too going back to italy that's another thing that i learned is they're okay with you not getting better every day and it's a very american ideology that we have to be the best with you not getting better every day. And it's a very American ideology that we have to be the best. And, you know, we'll always say like, whatever happened

to that guy? It's like, well, to them, that's a part of life. It's like, you get really big and successful and whatever, and you're good. But it's like, if it doesn't always stay going up, that's fine. You're going to level off. That's like being a human being where like, we look at that as like, no, so-and-so fell off. You can't go backwards. They look at that as like, what are you talking about? They had a great year last year and now they're having a normal year this year. That's part of life. What's the difference?

So it's just our way of looking at things sometimes, especially being New Yorkers and in entertainment. It's like we're always like, we got to keep getting better. I don't want to sell a 2,000-seater this week and then a 500-seater next week. It's like, well, if that's what happens, that's what happens. I know. That hurts. Well, sometimes you're doing so much radio and so many podcasts because you're like, fuck, I've got to sell more tickets for this gig.

I'll get on this podcast. I'll do this. I'll do that. And then you're like, maybe I could just take a W and not trying to keep adding shows. That too. But it's hard for us. I think you're right. We're wired in a way where we have to keep edge adding shows that too but that but it's hard for us i think you're

right we're wired in a way where we have to keep leveling up so what i think what i've been doing mostly now though there's not every weekend but like for example i just came from albany right and uh at the egg great venue and i could have added a second show i sold out my show like two months in advance so i could have easily added a second show and come close to selling out but i didn't because i was like what's more worth it for me We're in Albany. The show's at seven o'clock. It's two hours away from home. Is the extra money that I'm going to make on the second sellout worth it to get home at 4 a.m. or have to get home the next day and not be able to take my kid on the bus to school? Or can I get home by 1130, get a good night's sleep and take my daughter to

school in the morning and sacrifice the money and i sacrificed the money and it's like it was so much better to walk my daughter to school and that's what the money's for is to do stuff like that yeah and i do that a lot now i'm like i can go back i feel like you can't go back it's like i could have added a show even in ithaca if i wanted to but you know what instead I got done at 830 and I had like a great dinner this motherfucker runs upstate New York yeah baby I'm the fucking real Cuomo nipple rings and all

I'll sexually assault everybody so I you know instead had like a great dinner with Mike Cannon was on the road with me and I had a great dinner with Mike Cannon and we had fun and I was like this is as opposed to you know eating pizza in between sets right just being buried in our notebooks not talking i'm like not everything is money man like not yes i feel like you gotta what i've tried to do is like make money as a currency that i need for

me and my family to survive but it's not the only currency i deal in it's like time is a currency oh huge being away from my family is a currency so i evaluate all that freedom is a currency freedom's a currency so i'm like if i don't want to do the second show even though it's leaving money on the table it's like well that's not the only thing i deal with i'm getting time back and i'm getting you know stress back and and there's the people will be there next year yes exactly yeah it's uh unless there's another wuhan weezer but we're not going anywhere too we're in this for the long haul we'll be doing comedy for years and that's why you have to protect yourself yes and not run yourself down i mean look i i have a hard time saying no to gigs like i'm out for like 12 days at a time but i do kind of like it but you

like it and here's the thing if you like it i like it that's the thing so if you like it you like it i like not i like you have you have a family kids so so i so but again but if i didn't i would be like what be out have fun but for me it's like you know i don't uh you know i don't even with radio city like you know burke was like you should add a second a second show at radio city on the same night will sell out quicker than theater at msg most likely but i was like you should add a second a second show at radio city on the same night will sell out quicker than theater at msg most likely but i was like yeah but then i have to do two in one night it's new york it's big for me it's my family's gonna be there my daughter's gonna be there i don't want to yeah then what then i like can't really focus on them it's like we have a whole dinner plan like

i'd rather just take my chances do the show the next night at the theater at msg and see what happens maybe i sell it out maybe i don't and that's another thing too like with radio city you know it sold out so quick that then we put a theater at msg on sale and that wasn't selling as quick of course and the people in my team were like oh maybe this is big maybe this is taken i was like wait wait we're forgetting to celebrate the win of radio city like forget about i'm glad you said forget about the theater at msg if it sells no tickets, who gives a fuck? Radio City sold out.

Yeah, good point. That's what this was about. Great point. So I've kind of released myself from it, and I've released myself from the comparison. Go buy Chris. Oh, yeah. Please, please.

If I don't sell out theater at MSG, I'll kill myself. And I might be there in November or so. Yeah. And if I kill myself, Sam can take my date. Yeah, go see his show. It's a good date, September 23rd. Definitely buy it to go see. It's a great show.

Can we get the, I guess we don't have the Google, bitch, but can we get his dates up here? Yeah, there it is. All I got right now on sale is the only thing you can get tickets for is Theater at MSG, September 23rd. I might be adding, I'm going to be adding a fall tour, but it's not on sale yet, so just go get those tickets in New York. And check out his

Netflix special. He's got podcasts up the yin-yang. Christy Chaos, Hey Babe, yeah, patreon.com says Christy Comedy.

Yeah, man, we're fucking doing it. Hell yeah. Hit me up for your investment advice. Yes. And a Netflix special, Special Weshie.

Chris is hilarious. One of the best. Comedy Central specials. Oh, yeah. Terrific comic. I'm sure most of you know him anyway, but, you know. Yeah, check it out. Thank you, man.

And drink Bodega Cat Whiskey. And thanks for the goddamn donuts, baby. When does this come out? June 4th. Oh, good date. See me. I'll be that week. Yeah, you got me.

Greensboro. Oh, Greensboro, North Carolina. Asheville. Oh, the orange peel is great in Asheville. I can't wait knoxville memphis moving slowly help me out guys birmingham chattanooga nashville denver uh santa fe santonio houston you get the gist you can't sell in memphis you're falling off man you gotta start you gotta work harder you keep saying no to shit sam Samuel.com. All right. I'm all be in Australia during this time.

So if you're there, come see me. I can't wait. I haven't been in years. Got a lot of dates. We're adding shows. And come on out. I'm not coming back for a while. So say hello.

And then I'll be announcing a theater tour in July. And the special's coming out in late July. So praise Allah. Good stuff cooking. Be nice to yourself. Get some time. Good stuff cooking. Be nice to yourself. Get some time. Get some freedom. Play with your kids.

Say no. Get a cupcake. And go fuck yourself. Thanks a lot. Quiff it up. Thank you, guys. Bye. What an app!

Bye.