We Might Be Drunk - Ep 133: Yannis Pappas & Paul Virzi

Episode Date: June 26, 2023

Head to https://www.tryfum.com &; use promo code DRUNK to save an additional 10% off on your order Cancel unwanted subscriptions & manage your money at https://www.rocketmoney.com/DRUNK Episode 133 with guests Yannis Pappas and Paul Virzi coming in late to the party.  We have a lot of fun on this episode sharing a lot of drinks and laughs.  Find Yannis and Paul on the road near you, also check out Mark Normand and Sam Morril on the road: Paul Virzi: https://paulvirzi.com/ Yannis Pappas: https://www.yannispappascomedy.com/ Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/

Hey folks, we might be drunk, here we are, we're back! We're back, we're here, good to see you buddy. You too, what do you got there? I got this little We Might Be Drunk shirt on, and you got one too. That's a beauty, yeah. Where can we get these shirts, Matt? WeMightBeDrunkPod.com WeMightBeDrunkPod.com

Are we the same person or not? And you also got us... I saw this. Someone posted this that I follow. Sunny Delight... Sunny D. Is it like KFC? They're not actually Delight anymore?

No. It's not real Delight. Maybe. Like it's not real chicken at KFC? Right. That's true. Sunny D. Vodka Seltzer. I always have to try this.

We gotta try it. Is it ice? No. It's a seltzer. It's a seltzer. It's cold. Sunny D Vodka Seltzer. I always have to try this. We gotta try it. You want ice? No. It's a seltzer. It's cold. You put it in the fridge. Thank you. Oh, this is great for getting kids drinking. That's what I like. Get the youth. Hey. To a new beginning. Yes.

I need my vitamin D. Not bad. Hey. I kind of like it. It goes down easy. And we're not getting paid for this. This is pure curiosity. Yeah.

Zero sugar. 95 Cal. It's all chemical, but it's good. All right, kids. If you need to start drinking, this is the one to do. This is like, remember, this is the shit that you're like, if you don't get orange juice, you drink? Yeah.

My mom hated this shit. I was like, can we get Sunny D? I wanted Sunny D because I was a dumb kid and I saw the commercials. It worked. Purple stuff, fruit juice, Sunny D. Oh, my God. When I was a little kid at summer camp, they'd give you the pure sugar water. And I'd be like, this is what we should have in the house.

And my mom's like, you're a fucking idiot. Yeah, yeah. That's not real. There's no nutrition. Totally. What the hell are you doing? This is a Sunny D commercial. I'm queuing it up. Let's not real. There's no nutrition. Totally. What the hell are you doing? What is this, Alec? It's a Sunny D commercial.

I'm queuing it up. Let's see. Wow, what year? 91. Wow. They got me with this shit. Me too. Look at that bottle.

Oh, it's glowing. Purple stuff. Purple stuff. I fell for it it worked wow she had a second one backed up by the way no kid this age is nice to their mother that's true you know this is bullshit no there's no 15 year old their friends who's like oh cool mom you should hang out with us all right right. Oh, yeah. And guess what? If the mom was hanging out this much, one of the kids is fucking her. Yeah. I was trying to be like, I'll give you some D.

It ain't sunny, though. It's dark. I got to be honest. I kind of dig this. It's pretty good. Goes down easy. I'm a sucker in the summer for these trashy, I like White Claw. I do, too. I like all that shit. High Noon trashy, I like White Claw. I do too.

I like all that shit. High Noon is great. That's a great beverage. But now I got my morning drink. Oh yeah. So this will be good. Start early. Yeah.

It was all sugar back then. The cereals were sugar. The Sunny D was sugar. The Kool-Aid was sugar. It was all sugar. Kool-Aid. That was the Bert Kreischer app. Oh.

We combined Kool-Aid with alcohol. That fucked me up. I was hungover for like nine hours at night. That night, I was like, ugh, my head. Yeah, that one fucked us up. Yeah. A three-hour ep where Bert just doesn't stop drinking. Cut to Bert.

He's at the cellar just like, woo! I was like, ugh, my head. I was popping Tylenol. He's like, you're a fucking pussy. If this were a movie, it would just cut to us at Bert's funeral. We're just like, that guy partied way too hard. Yeah. I don't want to see the end of that film.

Well, we're going to, probably. Yeah. True. And we got to see his movie. Oh, yeah. At least he got that in the can. Good for you, Bert. I'm going to hang out with him tomorrow. We're both doing the mothership. Oh, yeah. At least he got that in the can. Good for you, Bert. I'm going to hang out with him tomorrow.

We're both doing The Mothership. Oh, shit. Yeah. We got to get him back on here when the movie comes out. Yeah, he's in New York a lot. He'll be doing press. So, yeah, we'll have him back. All right.

Just buckle up because it's going to be a long one. I know. That's one. We can't double up. We've been doubling up some of these days because, you know, Mark's going to Australia. Yeah. Doing a two-week bus run. Great. But it's like shit it's a lot it's a lot but man that time off's gonna be wacky we're gonna be coming back rusty and i'll be tan i'll have an accent

good day mate i'll go on an attic date for you same that was my australian that was very good look yeah uh yeah i like the jacket too oh thank you it's a free one from the netflix fest looks good yeah i hate the artist though that's a little cheesy you know what sucks about this i was on a flight once and this lady goes are you an artist and i was like oh shit yeah i'm an artist she goes what are you what kind of artist singing dancing and i was like painter shut Singing? Dancing? And I was like, painter. Shut up. You said painter? Yeah, I was like, I'm a painter. Leave me alone.

I didn't want to talk. Yeah, she said, I'll paint you naked. That wasn't Titanic. They painted her. Oh, yeah. Pull up that clip that I sent you, Salacuse. Uh-oh. Someone sent me this one.

Do you have the audio on? Yeah. I don't know where to start it, but. Wait. Can you make it bigger? Do you want... Actually, there you go. There we go.

Start it over. Just someone sent me. It's a guy singing a song. You can't make it bigger than that? No. Is this a mentally challenged fellow? Yeah, there we go. I don't know what's going on here.

Stand by. I'm getting in trouble for this clip. I don't know. What does it say here? It's on Twitter. It says, new wheels on the back? On the block. on twitter it says new wheels on the on the back on the block new wheels on the block

why is there a laugh track people bear problems I'm not gay I'm not gay. I'm not gay. This is gold. This is the Muslim national anthem. Who are these guys?

We got to get these guys on here. This is the number one show in Yemen right now. Wait, we... Oh, shit, sorry. Oh, man, we've got to get them in here. I mean, if I was Simon Cowell, that's a pass. We started, play it again. This is from the top.

Five, six, seven. This is gold. This is insane Yeah Is this your feed? Who is laughing at this shit? I am I mean besides In the crowd I mean

Thank god for the subtitles Let's be honest Without the subtitles This is just I hate crime So I'm producing the crowd It's like Without the subtitles, this is just a hate crime. Some record producer in the crowd is like, Kid, you've got the goods.

This could go straight to number one. Cut to, you know that sound you're looking for? This is it. Barry Gordy. Kid, you've got the goods. Oh, wow. This is comedy gold is comedy goal you gotta be bringing stuff in like this more often this is really something man new wheels on the block peter it's funny there's another one i could send you they're like mentally challenged or physically challenged but yet they're being dicks they're like like, at least I'm not gay. I'm in a wheelchair, but I ain't gay.

That's gold. And they can get away with it. Mark wishing he was in a wheelchair right now. I know. I'm like, oh. Mark's like, I would push all kinds of boundaries. Oh, yeah. I'm curtailing my act and pulling shit out.

Man, if I was one of these guys, I'd have it made. No, I couldn't find it it was another one that was pretty good that is good stuff guy and girlfriend on a roller coaster without a seat belt those roller coaster videos are insane where the guy's like not strapped in and everyone's else having a great time he's like oh great all right these are awesome is that it i feel for the guy a black couple i don't know all right let's see if it's a prank he's going T-Rex. Oh, man. She's having a great time. Meanwhile, we can put the music.

I'm not gay. This looks like me and my wife having sex, except I'm the guy enjoying it, and she's like, ah, this sucks. Oh, there we go. That was some great movements. This shit is gold. That was just involuntary, straight-up fear. Pete Correale used to have a joke about, he goes, when I have sex with my wife, it's like she's tanning and I'm getting in her light.

She's just like, ah. One of the first jokes I ever wrote was trying to get ahead with my girlfriend was like trying to feed a kid medicine like big bit of mine that was the early days i remember all my early stuff yeah yeah yeah so bad in bed uh me my first girlfriend decided to lose their virginity to each other i bled i remember that one that was a big i remember my first joke it was like you know my english teacher said i think you're like a young hemingway and i was like because i'm a good writer she goes no you're an alcoholic who's gonna kill himself that's a good joke that holds up it's a young one yeah yeah let's see what else did i have that was like one of the first ones that hit yeah yeah i had a whole thing about

people i say oh my license picture i'm so ugly in my license picture. And I'd go, no, that's what you look like. That's good. That was a big one. That's a good joke. I remember those when we were doing those, like, comic sets. Remember? Oh, yeah.

14th and 9th, baby. Well, you had that big Sage Theater show. Yeah. Which, for, like, a Brooklyn open mic alt guy, that was, like, heaven. That was a good show. It was packed. It was young people. They were drinking. That was crazy. I don't know. That was a good show. It was packed. It was young people. They were drinking.

That was great. I don't know. It was in a warehouse. I mean, a theater. Yeah. That was awesome. I still have videos of that on my app, on my, what do you call it? iMac.

That was crazy. Yeah. I pull those on the Patreon. Damn. Oh, should we pull, we don't have guests here. Should we play the one of our trailer? Yeah, you have it? Can we play that real quick? How long is the trailer? It's like three minutes.

Oh, shit! Party's over. Yeah, you want one? Try it! They're pretty good. Purple stuff. Oh, shit. Alright, I'm sending this to you. You can just play it, right? Yeah.

You guys spend a lot of time getting kicked out of class. I'm not gay. Oh, yeah. I get kicked out of class all the time. What for? Oh, cutting up, talking, and just saying shit. A little bit of this. Wow, that was a great one.

I was a pro. That's Norman Farsh in real life. I'll do the... Whoa. You got that down. Pretty good. Can you teach me that? Really? Yeah.

I could never do it. We got to do the fast ones. Whoa. And then you got the other one, the... Damn. It's a slow one, yeah. I had to have all the tricks. Man, that was impressive.

Wait, what are you pulling up here? Nice. Good memory. What do you call me sometime when you have no class? You were right. You were right, Shelly. Did you send me that thing? I sent it to you.

Thank you. So this is what we talked about in the Greg Warren app, where we said we couldn't sell a special that was like a blue-collar comedy tour style special. This is the trailer. It's three minutes. Should we play it? Yeah style special. This is the trailer. Three minutes. Should we play it? Yeah. I mean, if they can stomach three minutes.

I think it's pretty cool. Now, what year are we talking? Five years ago. No way. It's way longer. 2015, 16. All right. We'll play it.

That's the comedy seller. Great shot. Awesome. Who shot this? Jason Katz? Yeah. Yes. This next guy, you know him from his hour special.

He's fucking hilarious. Sean Donald. Oh, yeah. This is me, Norman, and Joe List trying to sell a joint special. We're living in weird times, you know. People are mad at men right now. We've got to make some changes. I'm watching less office porn, personally.

Because I used to really like office porn, but now when I see it, I'm like, he should not have done that. He's like, hide a Weinstein. There should be a guy that comes on at the end, like, he does not work here anymore. That was unacceptable. Keep that clap, he's gone. Put your list, lady. We had a great time with me and Norman.

We were at the airport the other day. Right. We were at the airport in Queens. They were playing Welcome to the Jungle. Oh, that was a great joke. At the airport. That's a weird airport song, don't you think?

It's a little much. I'm a rock and roll guy. I'm cool. I can rock. I'm just walking to the terminal. I hear da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. What? Hey, can we cool it down a little bit?

It's 7.30 a.m. Also, it's a little unnerving to be boarding a flight and hear, you're gonna die! Keep that clapping going for Mark Norman, ladies and gentlemen! Did we all have sets that night, or did we work this out? No, we worked it out.

Oh, okay. This guy would not shut up. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a no small talk option on the end? But there isn't, so you've got to find your own way to quiet the guy. I like to scare him. I wonder if this will be a Jew joke. He's like, how about this traffic, huh? What do you think's causing this? I'm like, probably the Jews. But there isn't. So you've got to find your own way to quiet the guy. I like to scare him. I wonder if this will be a Jew joke. He's like, how about this traffic, huh? What do things cause in this?

I'm like, probably the Jews. He's like, what? I'm going to give this ride five stars of David. Had to get a pun in. Three NYC comics.

She's like, I don't want to have sex. I said, oh, that's fine. She goes, wow, you're a great guy. I was like, that's all it takes?

That's an old thing. I'm pretty sure the alternative is a felony. Can we maybe hold off on that for a second? We're literally playing audio, motherfucker. Jesus Christ. One second. Just puts an ax to the table. Jesus Christ.

Hold on. One second. More noises. Once I get more noises. There we go. Daniel passed on the special too. It's hard to talk dirty when you're married because you have to segue back into your regular life together. You know what I mean? You can't get too dirty. It's hard to be like, step on my balls and choke me.

And then be like, I'll do the dishes if you vacuum. Is that cool? I went to the women's march. That was cool. Although I gotta say, I haven't heard the word pussy yelled that much since that time I rollerbladed to high school. It's a little dark.

Every mad shooter, he's like, he was a quiet man. That's what they say. He was very quiet. That should be part of the background check for guns. Like, you want this gun, you better be fucking chatty. Chatty, perfect word. I get very anxious when I fly. I'm not afraid of a crash. I'm afraid of a conversation. That's what I hate about flying. I was on a flight the other day. The guy next to me was like, what do you do?

And I was like, I mind my own business on airplanes. One of my friends is like a big beer guy. He's like, we gotta go to a brewery. Like, why can't we just go to a bar? He's like, it's fun. You can see how it's made. I don't care how it's made. Look, I like porn.

I don't need to go to a broken home. I think it was a pretty cool thing we did, and we couldn't sell this, but it was, you know, it was. What was the exact premise? Because obviously it's three comics. Jokes, jokes, jokes. We're like, a lot of comics are doing the one-man show type shit. And our premise was just all of us doing 20 minutes hard, fast jokes. Yes.

And that's why we shot it like this. And we couldn't sell it, but it was fun even to make it, honestly. Yeah. Well, I mean, not saying it was our idea, but then Netflix came out with the 15 minutes and then the half hours,, this was a good idea. Yeah, I think they wanted, I think we were probably too similar on one show, but I thought that's what was kind of cool about it. I thought so, too.

We were all just guys who were, like, kind of throwbacks. Yes, and the other alternative title was Three of a Kind, you know, because, like, hey, we're similar. We have jokes back to back. Yeah, but, yeah uh yeah you know fun thing to do but uh it's funny if you got berkowitz on this now this would this would sell for a couple mil and we'd say fuck you we're going to the road i mean we'll do our own hours it was it was very discouraging i remember yeah trying to sell this and getting like a maybe from quibi it's like

it's like literally like a joke like a company that folded and like too much was like we'll see yeah and their idea was like we'll make it a series so then another group of three friends will have a show then another group of three and we saw the sauce is right there in front of you these three guys and we felt weird about doing that we i think mark and joe and i were all kind of like and we feel weird about because then they're going to get involved in the book. If we get to book all the comics, we were down. Which they didn't like. But then also, do we even want to be bookers?

Exactly. And then they were throwing out suggestions. We were Peters do it for the podcast. We don't want to book people on the podcast. Yeah. And they were like, how about this guy? Or how about this lady? And we're like, oh, they suck.

And they're like, yeah, yeah, but she's in a wheelchair. And we're like, I don't care. And they didn't like that yeah his punchline is i'm not gay i'm like you gotta listen to it man it's fucking crazy i'm not gay i'm still straight that's cool that's like sitting on a cock because i'm gay that's what it reminds me of great bit oh dude man good to see you hey beard you what's shaking sorry about that we were uh we were in a moment right there yeah we're in a time you were basically the guy walks into the movie theater late and he's like hey where are we sitting sharon stone's uh crossing her legs here so yeah yeah that was a good scene oh yeah i've rewound that movie a lot as a kid oh yeah oh yeah the ice pick all that shit yeah if you jerk off the murder yeah well a naked woman

killing a guy it was the same with gone girl there's something hot about a woman being that fucking bad shit yeah i don't know what it is but like what was the first uh moment you knew you were straight you're like oh i know mine what is it uh dirty dancing wow feel free to pull this up the underwear scene where jennifer gray and the other blonde lady are dancing together and like kneeling and walking crawling crawling towards each other. I got my first boner that I ever remember. That was at my old house in New Orleans. Parents were there.

I didn't know what was happening. I thought something was broken. Very exciting. Must have been like 89 or something. I got a confession to make. I've never seen Dirty Dancing. Whoa. I mean, it's not great.

It's one of those movies. You always miss a couple. Yeah, yeah. And that's one that I know is a classic. It's just a sexy rom-com-y kind of. Does it work? Yeah, it's when the girl. I saw Roadhouse late, too.

I was late in a couple of sleazies. I saw that late, too. Great movie. Great fun. But like, and Sam Elliott and shit. This is it. He's watching them. And the music's great.

They're all hot. They're all sexy and sweaty and they're in a warehouse after hours learning a dance this is my first boner i just think about that montage that it was like at the beginning it's guy girl then it's uh i mean look at these three way and then it's a guy watching two girls. Yes, yes. Which is doing. Structured like a porn. Oh, you might have something here. That blonde is so hot.

And Jennifer Grey was so pretty. Remember Tom McCaffrey's joke about the guy who's jerking off in the corner in the porn? Like, I thought that was weird. And I realized, oh, that guy's there. So I have a character that I can relate to. Such a simple premise. So funny. Man, he's great. He's great. Great comedy mind mind this was it the underwear i mean come on i was you know a wee toddler and this this is pre-internet porn so

this was really something i'm thinking of what year did wild things come out that was a big one for me 96 i'm gonna say no i mean well then yeah i mean that was, I mean, Denise Richards, Neve Campbell, it's pretty hot for sure. Are you going to go off of that? I was enjoying that. Man, that was bringing me back. Also, it was a simpler time when you didn't have just MILF access at your fingertips. So you really had to cherish these bikinis and everything. Uh-oh, who's this?

Looks like a guest. Bring him in! Hey! Happy birthday! What's shaking? Good to see you, buddy. So is our next guest going to sit here? Yeah, there or there.

Whatever you want. Whatever, I don't care. We're talking our first boners to sit here? Yeah, there or there. Whatever you want. Whatever. I don't care. We're talking our first boners. Yeah. Wild Things, Dirty Dancing. Wild Things was up there for me. I think just like young Denise Richards. Starship Troopers, too.

Oh, forget about it. I mean, any of those 90s, like, you know, sexy. What were your, like, early movies, guys? Porky's. Porky's was big. Revenge of the Nerds. Revenge of the nerds revenge of the nerds although a lot of those scenes are rape if you look back i mean they could double as like an svu episode now but in the time i was like fucking we've got bush let's go yeah yeah he did didn't

he give her oral without her consent and then yes she decided afterwards she liked it yes okay which they you know he was sweating. He was like, thank God. Yeah, which I guess in Sweden now, you know, it's like... What's that? They changed the law. Oh, really? Whoa, really?

Rape convictions went up 75% in Sweden. Whoa! Because you need, like, contractual paperwork now. No! They've widened the definition of rape to include being in the room. Damn. What? Yeah. Oh, wow. of rape to include being in the room. Damn. What? Yeah.

Oh, wow. So we cancel that honeymoon. Yeah. Full consent. It has to be consensual. It's not enough that it was forced. It has to be like, there's got to be like a video documenting that she's. Jeez.

Wow. I'm not making that up. That's tough times over in Sweden. Damn. Or good times if you're a lady. I get, but I think a lot of ladies like a little bit of, you know, mystery. You better keep that talk out of Sweden. Hey, I'm married.

Mystery's a great way to put it. How was your sexual assault? Mysterious. Mysterious. It's like an Alfred Hitchcock novel. But I don't think a lot of ladies are like, hey, we're in the mood. Sign this. That's right.

I'm just saying my wife would hate that. She likes a real slam against the wall, you know, drugged, knocked out. No, I'm just kidding. All right. Norman and Tassel, why I ought to. Yeah, they do. Why are you on Spank Bank? I couldn't find this anywhere else.

Oh, yeah, the old Jamie Lee. What a body. Jerkmate. Don't you hate when you're in a hotel room and it's like, welcome to Jerkmate. You're like, keep it down. You know, she was a hermaphrodite. That's not true. That's one of those rumors.

That's not true. That's Richard Gere had a gerbil in his butt. Yeah. Phil Collins invited that guy to the concert as revenge. And Jamie Lee Curtis has a penis. And none true, right? I don't think any of them not true. That's Richard Gere had a gerbil in his butt. Yeah. Phil Collins invited that guy to the concert as revenge. And Jamie Lee Curtis has a penis. And none true, right? I don't think any of them are true. Don't forget Rod Stewart drank a gallon of cum or whatever that was.

That was another one, yeah. Well, here we go. A gallon of cum. Yeah. How did that even happen? I don't know. But this was a movie seller. A gallon is good.

Half his body weight. But back in the day, if a woman had tits out in a movie, that was oh we gotta go see that movie yeah like that was enough yeah she had a great rack there yeah can you imagine trying to yank to that now oh forget about it it's my dick would be like don't even wake me up for this what are you doing look down there'd be no skin left yeah right what is phil hanley's line about that like this girl she gave me a still photo she's like i want you to jerk off to this and he's like what am what am I, a World War II GI? Oh, that's funny. That's a good point.

Yeah. They could just read a letter. Yeah. My dearest Hannah. That was an old Geraldo bit. Yeah. So good. I used to lay the magazines out like Calvin Klein ads and then do like moving pictures

with my eyes. It's like a compilation for it. Yeah, I do a compilation. I look over here, I with my eyes. It's like a compilation porn. Yeah, I do a compilation. I look over here, I look over there. It's the Amish version. That was back when you needed a VHS. Yeah. And they weren't easy to get.

No, no. It wasn't easy to get. And they were weird in blue or orange. Mine was orange, my porn. The hard thing, before everything was accessible on the internet, you would have to like go to a weird bodega and a guy with a lazy eye, I'm telling my story, would sell it to me and he would just give us free porn.

Free? If we bought one, he thought it was funny that we were so young. We were like kids. I remember he gave me one that was just like fat chicks. When I was a kid, I was curious. I was like, I want to see. It was called Older Rod Riders. It was the other one.

It's older women. I remember my dad found that DVD and he was like, what the fuck? And I was like, that was a talk. Older Rod Riders. That one good. No, yeah. That's what you guys used to pay porn forward. You know, you'd use it and pass it on.

Yes. Yeah. It was like doing good deeds. You'd use it, done with it, pass it on. The cool older brother in every teen sex comedy was like, I bestow to you my DVD collection. And you would like the VHS, you would rewind it so much or fast forward. Yes. It would rip and then you tape it back together.

Wear and tear. And there'd be a little slither part. Yeah. And you'd fast forward past it and you'd have to enjoy it with the fuzz in it. Totally. You'd fast forward past it, and you'd have to enjoy it with the fuzz in it. Totally. I lived in a building in college with a bunch of dudes in this building, and we all had a different unit. And when one guy left, we all made friends.

One guy left, and in my mailbox was just a wad of Wii. Remember Wii? O-U-I? Pull this up. Wii. It was a magazine. It was a porn magazine. Wii is yes in French.

Oh, so this is New Orleans stuff. Yeah, yeah. Oui. It was a magazine. It was a porn magazine. Oui is yes in French. Oh, so this is New Orleans stuff. Yeah, yeah. So this was scummy, slimy. I mean, this was beyond Penthouse. This was naughty. Way better than another French magazine. No means no. Isn't this just like a regular like vanity fair for French people? I guess so. I guess so.

But he left me a wad of these and it was the best day of my life as a college kid. There was some of that shit you would do it too early as a kid. I guess so. But he left me a wad of these, and it was the best day of my life as a college kid. There was some of that shit you would do it too early as a kid. I remember the first time I saw Cherry magazine, I was like, I'm not ready. Cherry's big. I need to stick with Hustler or Playboy. I wasn't ready for Cherry. Yeah, Cherry was young girls.

Was it? Oh, was that what it was? I think that's why they called it Cherry, because you were popping the cherry. Oh. Oh, I didn't even know. Well, I remember Club was a little more hardcore. Yeah, yeah. There was a couple of them.

Club, Wee. I think Cherry was like Teens. It's kind of weird that Teens is still a Google-able category, right? Isn't Teen... Well, 18 is legal. But only for two... Then there's like seven other Teens. That's true.

There's more Teens that are not legal than there are... It should be called Late Teens. It should be called Late Teens It should be called late teens. You're right. Or it should just be called 18 and up. Yeah, why are we tempting any, you know? It's just teens, it seems. All right, you're killing me with this porn here.

You're distracting me. I can't listen to you. You look like the dude that goes to the porn store in that dumb hat right now. This was full Muff era. You look like you're wearing a disguise right era. You look like you're wearing a disguise right now. You look like you're in an old jerk theater. Yes, yes. You look like what's missing

is the fake mustache you have on. You look like the cops have removed the raincoat to book you. You're just a giant erection. We're like, oh my god. Man, have you heard Ronan Hirschberg's bit about how we owe Pee Wee Herman an apology? That's a great bit.

For doing what he was exactly supposed to be doing in a porn movie theater. Fred Willard, too. He did it, too. He got busted in a porn theater. Yeah. I guess the thing was he was Pee Wee Herman, so it's like he was a kid. Nah. Right.

He was a kid star. We should know that by now. Like, whatever you think the person is or whatever they're famous for, they are probably the opposite of that. Ellen. Yeah. Ellen Cosby. It's just priests. Yeah, priests.

It's so true. Yeah, there should be a word for that. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Well, like, a lot of clean comics are fucking psychos. Oh, yeah. Yeah, ones who don't curse. Those are the ones you got to watch.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, Keith Albersnstadt, look under his back. There's a dead prostitute somewhere in the Midwest. You hear that, Andy Hendrickson? We're coming for you. No one knows who these people are. They're nicest guys, too. Yeah, funny guys, nice guys.

This was the muff days when it was just full, when you were, it was full bush. Yeah. So you could see a penis disappearing into the abyss when it was just full. It was full bush. Yeah. So you could see a penis disappearing into the abyss. It was just like. It gets messy. The wetness, the jizz in the hair. It's not a great moment. It was definitely harder on oral.

Yes. You're doing this shit. You're sifting. I mean, muff made me think I was gay for a couple of years. Oh. That was because I wasn't into oral because every time I went down there, a lot of the fumes get caught in the hair. Oh. So I was like, well, I guess if I don't love oral, that means I probably should check in on penises or whatever.

Right, right. Plus, you got the muff right on the nose. It was right there. You get hair in your mouth. Even in the 90s. Yeah. I mean, there was no girls when we were young shaved. It was like Kobe in the 90s when he had the little mini fro. Oh, yeah. And then it was like

2008, he shaved it. I was like, thank God. And they both had a chopper. Alright. Jesus Christ. But yeah, he did have a little cute fro. Jesus, would you pull the darkest... What is that? Blackface? What are you doing here? Is that Al Jolson?

Oh, there we go. What are you drinking, by the way, Beer Jew? What's on the... We're just doing like a little margarita action. But if you want to get experimental, I was thinking of doing like a little cross between like a traditional margarita and a paper plane. I would love a weird little journey. I just thought he was there supposed to be mixing drinks the whole podcast. I just heard ice shaking.

I was like, how long does it take to make three? The worst audio podcast idea ever. Just a guy... It's authentic. Is that what AMDR is? ADM? SMR? What is that?

It's where you get turned on by noises? I love ASMR. What is that? So it's like girls like whispering to you really yeah it's great if you have like a cold mom yeah yeah you didn't get enough hugs girls who whisper to you and you just they help you fall asleep and feel nice what yeah try this and they'd make like sounds on the mic they go they make like crackle noises oh and it's just like a lot of them are hot and they make a lot of people tune in.

Some of them got millions of views. What? Yeah. Damn. Because I do the babbling brook and the rain. I've done all that shit, but I never did a lady. Oh, check out ASMR. Yeah.

I do a noise machine. You got to have something going these days. Yeah. You can't just be sober. No, I put a podcast in one ear. Yeah. Yeah, there's ASMR. It gives you like tingles it feels like someone's

interesting yeah that's how burnt out we are we need to go back to the just the senses you know i think this girl was on cherry magazine yeah it's getting uh we're at content overload a little bit yeah yeah we are it's all all our rods and cones are fried. I was just walking through Manhattan and it has a Cleveland-like feel out there. Thank you. And I was thinking probably like 70% of office space is now podcast studios probably. Oh, 100%. Like this was probably a law firm at one point. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, definitely. Norman DeMorrell. Yeah. What can we do for you? It starts out as like sweatshoppy, you know. Cheers, fella. Great to see you, Jan. It's been too long.

It's been a while. A lot of escape rooms, too. You know, and vape shops. Those took over a lot of spaces. But it started out as like sweatshop warehouse shit, like Soho, Tribeca. That was all like meatpacking, sweatshops, fabric making, sewing machines going 100%. And then it was apartments, and now you're right. It's going into podcasts.

It's the worst thing you can say about a city is it's got a Cleveland-like feel. I love Cleveland, but it means things are going a little down. Even the most loyal Cleveland fans did not take that positively. They knew exactly what I was talking about. I will say too, Hilarity is still one of my favorite clubs in the country. It's great to get a bat that you can't bring on the plane.

It's so random that Nick gives you a bat after you're done at Hilarity's. Put your name and engrave your name in it. What's the connection between a club and a... There is none. It's random. He's got like a friendship with a guy who makes

like wood and stuff. It's like he just came on one night and my wife just had a fishing rod for me. Right. All right. Yeah. Hey, Versace!

Oh! Another guest here. We need another... We need a fourth drink. There we go. Hello, brother. How are you? What's up, man?

Thanks for doing it. We're just hanging out. Get this man a drink, will ya? Can you drink? Yeah. All right. I didn't know if for doing it. We're just hanging out. Get this man a drink, will you? Can you drink? Yeah. All right. I didn't know if you were driving. We also have Sunny Delight vodka if you want to try this.

No pressure. It's not bad, actually. We try to seduce children with this. Yeah, they're definitely not being subtle about who they're marketing to. I know, right? Yeah. Poor kids. That's horrible.

Are you Hispanic? No. did you grow up on grape drink are you trying to fuck the dominican kid next door have you have you did you grow up on yellow water with sugar how you been next we got a yeah how you been? Rum Drake cakes. All right. That was a stretch. Have you been on the road? Yeah. Touring, man. Yeah. You? I'm just still devastated about the Knicks.

It feels like we just got on a train at different stops. Yeah. What's going on? Let's do a podcast. Start jerking off. I need a pop, man. It feels like a train. Someone choke out a homeless guy. Yeah.

I almost saw a shootout on the A train on the way here. Yeah. Guy had a knife. Really? Two cops holding the guns, you know, just like, oh, don't do it, man. Don't do it. And the guy is like, it's just a knife. Just a knife.

Then I got on the train. Yeah, New York. Was he black? The guy with the. It was a guy with the. Yeah, yeah. Black. Black.

Two white cops. Black guy. And the worst part was there was some lady with her head shaved and she was filming it like she was a hero. She's like, in case something goes down, I'll get the footage. You're like, get out of here. Let the cops do their thing. What are you doing?

This guy's got a knife. That's so bad. Now that do something means grab your phone. Completely. Yeah, they don't even do anything. They just look at it. They just watch somebody get beaten. It's fucked up.

You ever think about how rare it is to have an unfilmed moment? It's wild even when someone kills someone or something like now you can watch the security footage of like the whole murder like yeah you could like the documentary is just like him going into the apartment him coming out him going to the store to buy the cleaning products it's like everything is filmed well that george floyd thing was like awkwardly long how they just watched it for that long i know it's It was like fast forward, fast forward. And it was just still. Can I get some editing in here? Come on.

Mark's looking at the DVDs like, skip scene. I wanted the commentary. Sorry. But yeah. No, it was so long. It was crazy. It was long. No, it just.

Yeah. You think like the Irishman. It needed some editing. Some of the It was crazy. It was long. No, it just, yeah. It was like the Irishman. It needed some energy. Except the violence was way more realistic. I wonder if the guy who filmed the Zapruder footage, they were like, come on, asshole, always filming. Enjoy the moment. Back then it was weird.

Yeah. Now it's like, do we not film anything? Four guys who are on a podcast right now. No, we film everything. Yeah. Oh, dude, thank you. Thank you so much, dude. Cheers. Cheers, everybody.

Cheers. Salud. Cheers. Thank you, beer Jew. What kind of tequila are we doing? Casa Amigos. Oh, that's good stuff. It's really nice. It like a little bitterness to it too

So if something's a little sweet It takes it off I love it Really well done Yeah Very nice Real nice Let me just say this

Booyah Oh shit Oh did you just shit yourself? Dude that's a shit your pants That's what you call an uncooperative fart Mark is like LeBron He's slowing down I mean

Yeah Years of farting perfectly And then you, you know, he hits a certain age. Oh, dude, I felt your pain with that. That was rough, dude. That was like the George Floyd video. It was so long. But it did happen, but it was... We just kept watching.

It was like... It was one of those... Except now we can't breathe. This will play well on the internet. Four white guys talking about this. Actually, that's what thrives on the internet. Have you seen Tim Dillon? He's doing very well.

This is what you call right-wing Hollywood. Well, Tucker's out. We might be drunk as hell, I guess. No writer's strike here. Austin's like Republican L.A. now. Austin? It's still pretty progressive. I feel like Austin's real liberal.

Like the business, you know? The Rogans, the Seguras, the whatever, yeah. Yeah, it's like tax evading kind of. It's more like libertarian. It's like it's distant. It's libertarian. It's, you know. Other than the comedy scene, it's a dump, dude.

It's a fucking dump. Yeah, I feel like, what are the cities in Texas you guys can handle? Zero. Really? Oh, I love Texas. No, I like Dallas, like the Addison Improv. I like that. Great club.

San Antonio's great, you know. Great Mexican food. That's about it, yeah. Yeah. Got the Spurs. You got a basketball team. Yeah, that. Great club. San Antonio's great. You know, great Mexican food. That's about it. Yeah. Yeah. Got the Spurs. You got a basketball team. Yeah, they got a team.

They got Wimbanyama. There's people walking up right there. They just go, yeah. You got the river walk, that fake kind of canal. Yeah. That dirty stream you could jump over. They call it a river. Dirty stream.

You could take a gondola ride and see a Best Western sign. There's a needle Needle floating next to you People fought and died here Now fat people wear fanny packs And walk past there It's you know It's awkward when the Mexican

Goes to the Alamo He's like this is cool Is it It's weird when you go to those cities That have all those just scooters Just flung about The bird scooters I'm always like

Is anyone worried about All these missing kids Yeah Yeah Is there a killer clown around here Why are there fucking... We'll find them. We just got to jangle these.

Children? No, no, no. Do you like Texas or you don't like it? I do. Houston's like a little boring. It's, you know, it's fine. It's so sprawling. It's so...

That's my problem with Texas overall is like... San Antonio, cool city, but you want to go anywhere. It's 25 minutes. Everywhere. Highway. The same problem with L.A. That's true. Yes.

Like you go to L.A. and you're like people like come hang out. You're like cool. Oh, on my ways it says that you're an hour and a half away. Yeah. Ten miles, you know. Yeah, there's no subway or anything. You could never leave New York, right? No.

But you're outside the city, but you're still here. Still here. Yeah anything you could never leave new york right no you but you're outside the city but you're still here still here yeah i believe you i'm i'm buying a place in brooklyn i'm here to stay i just like it here i i go somewhere else it's fun to visit it's fun to leave new york but you got to come back right it's the best yeah yeah because if the treadmill's not on i won't run and new york the treadmill is definitely on, I won't run. In New York, the treadmill is definitely on. It's like a narcissistic woman who you're in a relationship with who fucks really good. Yes. But is toxic. Yes. The crazy ones are good in the sack.

Right. The city has an inflated sense of self. Yes. It tells you how great it is all the time. And you're like, you're not that great. And she's like, why don't you leave? And you're like, I can't. You're pretty great.

Yeah. I can't, God damn it. You're pretty great. Her pussy stinks.'t, goddammit. You're pretty great. Her pussy stinks. I mean, it smells horrible. Always. Yeah,

sometimes, yeah. Yeah, but it's good. It's good puss, but the bags are piling up. I saw a rat run out of it once. That's a,

but, still great vagina. Isn't it good? Yo, this is like dangerous good. He's a pro. This is like, these would go down too good. Oh, yeah.

I got a lot of them, so don't worry. All right, keep them coming. Do they got you a stool back there? He just had attention the whole time. I got a stool back there. I was hammered on a plane last night. Oh, yeah? Yeah, from L.A.

Me and my wife went to a wedding up in wine country. Ooh. Yeah, we were just hammered on the plane that's great because we got to the delta sky lounge like two hours early two hours early and they just started making cocktail oh dude like free like they just give you purple margaritas dude stacy got hammered she passed out and then i just stayed up and i was eating meatballs and shit it was i could never get on a plane drunk why Why not? Really? It's a great time. Occasionally I'll have a panic attack on a plane.

Wow. I get on a plane and I prepare for war. I prepare for anxiety war. I'm like, anything could happen. Don't you think your boobs would chill you out? No, the boobs dehydrate you and then I worry I'm dehydrated. Then the low oxygen. No, see, that's what weed would do to me.

There he is. I'm back. I'm back, baby. LeBron year 17. I'm back, baby. LeBron, you're 17. Yeah. Suck it, Curry. You know, I had my first panic attack ever like a couple weeks ago in Baltimore. Ever?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Your first ever? I had like a couple bad highs. Weren't you in your late 30s? Yeah. You should fucking call a synagogue and report that. It's possible to go past

35 without having to. That's a fucking record. It was like an hour long. I woke up in the middle of the night just shaking. It was awful. You were sweating and all that shit? It was the middle of the night. Like you woke up to a thing. Dude, I had my first one in the third grade and I didn't know

I thought I was dying. I was just sitting there just looking around freaking out in third grade. Like that's unbelievable, 35. Third grade. Damn. What's the problem?

Nah, it was just brutal divorce. Third grade, so young, you don't even know what the world is. Yeah, it's true. Yeah.

Yeah. So what was yours? Your bad dream or something? Bad dream and then, I don't know, I just thought, I was like, I'm dying. I thought I was dying. It was like an hour of me thinking I'm dying. So what was yours? Your bad dream or something? Bad dream. And then I don't know. I just started. I was like, I'm dying.

I thought I was dying. It was like an hour of me thinking I'm dying. War heart racing, right? A woman I was with was like talking me off a ledge. And I was like, I'm okay. I'm okay. But it took me like an hour to think I was okay. And then the next day I was shaken up. And then.

Yeah, that's a nice hooker. So then she convinces us to go. I'm on tour with like my whole crew. It's, veder gary veder uh james webb who films and then uh we have a tour manager brian and she's like we should go to a yoga class we go to a bikram yoga class which by the way i started going to like hot yoga i love it bikram sucks i don't like bikram it's an hour and a half it's the hottest room we're in baltimore it's the hottest room i've ever been in and And my tour manager, Brian, who like try to get deals everywhere, which is like great. I love him for doing it. We have a restaurant.

He's like, I'm touring with an artist. He's a comedian. He'll do stuff. She does that when he does a yoga reservation. We go in there. So she goes, I hear we have a comedian in the room. And I'm just like, oh, no. And she's like, do you want to tell a joke?

And he could tell. I'm like, fuck you. So he falls in the sword for us. And he goes, I'll tell a joke. Good guy. He does one of my bits. This is the bit he does. He goes, so my friend goes, my girlfriend just had a miscarriage in the shower.

And I go, wow, worst baby shower ever. That's the joke he tells in a yoga class full of women. And the teacher goes, well, I'm triggered. No laughs? No laughs? There was one jacked black dude who laughed his ass off. She goes, well, I'm triggered. But then she goes, but you know what?

Being triggered sometimes is good. And she goes, I think it's important to be triggered. And then I was like, geez, of all the fucking jokes, you're like, that's the one that came to me. I was like, all right. Ryan, God bless you. Yeah, yoga teacher. It's an oldie. It's a good one.

It's an oldie. Yeah. Just not appropriate in a yoga class. Yeah. He could have picked so many others being on the road with you. You look kind of like the Jackie Robinson of rape jokes. Oh, thank you. Oh, yeah.

He was early. You were an early cancel. I think of myself more as a Rosa Parks, for sure. Because I said no, too. When was that? When was that shit you got? You were early. It was 2013 when they came at me.

Oh, because Colin Quinn talked about that. I remember we were at JFL, and he did that, because Colin Quinn talked about that. I remember we were at JFL and he did that address and he talked about that. I know. You didn't like that he did that? No, I loved Colin. It was like the first big thing that happened to me. And you were kind of like, I was thinking it would be Conan. But here I am getting blasted on the internet for jokes.

I was like, they're structured jokes. I wasn't trying to actually offend anybody. You're telling jokes. It's just a jokey joke. I remember when you opened for Jim Jeffries, I was standing next to him. You did that joke? And he goes, that's a good joke. Yeah.

And I love Jim, by the way. But I remember, yeah, I wrote a response to all these hit pieces, jokes taken out of context and all that. And I remember I knew Colin well enough at the time to be like, would you read this? And he was like, yeah, it's a good response. I would take this one line out. It makes you sound like a pussy. And I was like, all right.

So that was Colin being like supportive as hell. Yeah, it was early on. It's interesting to think about that because it's like history now. You're like, wow, yeah. And you could see where it went from there. That was like the start of it. Every article wrote about me, but they were writing about me in the most passive-aggressive way, where they'd be like, Daniel Tosh did it too.

But then a guy with no career, Sam Morrell, did it. And I was like, all right. Well, I guess it's cool to get even bad press. It kind of worked that way. You got Montreal. Yeah. Yeah. I remember Robbie Praugh, who Netflix now, but ran Montreal at the time, was like, there was no way I was going to let them win.

I was like, I mean, whatever. I'll take it. Yeah, yeah. Do you like my act? Yeah, yeah. I'll take it. But I was appreciative that he said that. That Tosh thing?

That was big. That made the news. Big, big. First big one. Yeah. It was around 2012 where it started. Well, what was the joke with him?

It was a heckler in there. He did a rape joke. It was a rape joke, yeah. And a woman was like, that's not funny. By the way, it killed. And she's like, that's not funny.

And he goes, wouldn't it be funny if a bunch of guys raped you right now? And that killed too. Not a bad line. That's a little aggressive. That's a little aggressive. That's a little aggressive.

A little aggressive in the moment. He was angry at her because she interrupted the show and they played that on the news. So all these people were like, can you believe it? And Bill Burr is the great point. He's like, you can't take it out of here

and put it here where everyone else sees it. It's a different thing. That's like taking a stripper out of a strip club and putting her on the news. But now that's what the internet is, right? put a tweet everyone's just like it's not your audience it's not just your twitter people are over i'm feeling that already i'll be right back

he's gonna call his agent and scrub this but yeah you got drunk on a flight that That's fun. It was fun, man. It was cool to just be like up alone, drunk, dark. Yes. One in the morning. My wife just passed out and I'm just like drinking Prosecco and shit. You had a nice little sober. Well, yeah.

So I just I stopped drinking for 60 days until like a week ago. Whoa. So I had like 60 days clean. No hangover. It felt amazing you're sharper oh dude everything everything in your life is better but then i was like then i was at some outdoor you know thing with like the hard cider over where we live and live music and someone's like you want a hard cider i'm like yeah it's over that turns into 100 yeah yeah well i'm

just the one the thing with me is and janice will will tell you, I can't. When I get the buzz, when I get the wheels greased, nobody will outlast me. Yeah, I see. Oh, really? Nobody. No, no, no. Nobody. I'll go seven, eight in the morning and just steady do it until everyone's down. I said he's like a franchise player.

He's a franchise player. You can build a team of partiers around him. Really? Oh, dude, I won't go down. Have you gone with Burt? What's that? Kreischer? I never partied with Burt. Yeah. Have you gone with Burt? What's that? Chrysler? I never partied with Burt.

You would out-drink Burt. But the thing is, Burt would go down before me. Yeah, because he's got, it's almost like an indomitable will. It's like Jordan of Plymouth. Wow. It's like he does it to spite. Right. Like to spite life and health.

No, I just like the... We were... Giannis was at the house. We had a little party. It's 3 in the morning. Everybody left. He's like, we're watching a doc at 3 in the morning. And I had Lagavulin next to me.

Yeah. And he just starts going... And he just saw me pouring it. And he goes, why? I know. We'll be like 4 in the morning. He's like, why the fuck? Like, I'll be falling asleep.

We've had drinks all night. And then I'll hear a beer open. He'll go to the fridge. I'm like, why? I'll literally go, why? It's four. We're watching TV. I'm not proud of it, but there is nobody that will outlast me. Interesting.

Once I get the wheels greased, once I start drinking, it's just like a marathon of seven o'clock in the morning. I just don't want the party to end. But everyone goes down, so I'm just alone. I get that.

Giannis is like, yeah, let's watch a doc. And I think he's going to actually watch it. And he's just snoring, and I'm pouring Lagavulin by myself. That's a great scotch. Yeah, a little smoky. You like smoky scotches? How are you as a drunk? You still good?

I think I'm pretty good. What do you think? Yeah. We get banged up on the weekends on the road. That's my move. Yeah. But after shows, right? You're not after shows.

I like it too much to abuse it. That's a gentleman right there. I don't want to have to quit. So if I become so bad that I have to quit, then I don't ever get to drink. That's what I'm monitoring. I'm the same way. Does the missing dad ever come out when you get hammered? Somebody goes, hey, you were mean to me last night.

I'm like, sorry, that's my dad left. That's when that comes out. I don't think I'm a mean drunk, really. No, no, no. I mean, he's seen me fucking wasted a ton. Yeah, you just get louder. Really? Yeah, yeah. And you lean in. You're like, he's seen me fucking wasted a ton. I mean. Yeah, you just get louder. Really? Yeah, yeah.

And you lean in. You're like, oh, let me tell you that. But it's all positive. It's all fun. Yeah, Mark is like an old. I feel like we're like drunks the way like they drink on Mad Men minus the sexual assault. Right. Yeah.

We just want to have fun. We're just kind of like. Yeah, we're just drinking like old school drinks. We get lit up. But we're like, we're pretty good. I don't think. You drink during the day. I won't ever admit I school drinks. We get lit up. But we're pretty good. You drink during the day on the road? I won't ever admit I'm drunk. That's the problem.

That's the fight I get in with women I'm dating. I'll come home fucking shit-faced. And you deny it. And they'll be like, you're drunk. I'm like, I had two drinks. I can't admit that I'm drunk. That's like a cop. Yeah, I'm like, I had two drinks.

But they're like, you're slurring your words. I'll be like, you think I'm drunk?. Yeah. I'm like, I do, but they're like, you're slurring your words. I'll be like, you think I'm drunk? That's what I'm like. That's where I piss the women off with just a line where I'm like, I'm not drunk. It's like that city councilman. Did you see that? No. What city? He just got caught sleeping in his car with a crack pipe in his... No way.

Oh, dude, that was... And he goes, I'm napping. I'm napping. He had a crack pipe. Dude, he goes like this. He's holding it and he's just out cold and he just goes, dude, what happened? He goes, I'm napping. And they go, you. He goes like this. He's holding it, and he's just out cold. And they go, dude, what happened? He goes, I'm napping. And they go, you have a crack pipe in your hand. You were like dying. You're like struggling to breathe.

He's like, hey, I got sleep apnea. He's holding a crack pipe. He's holding a crack pipe. And the funny part is when they look at his ID and his badge, and they find out he's a city councilman, and then you see this moment of hope in his face, like he's about to get off. He's like, yeah, that's me. And the guy's like, nah, you know, we're on tape now. You got to go in.

Wow. Yeah, he's out. Rhode Island? Look, look, he tried moving it. Oh, he checks the shifter, too. This was me on the plane last night. Wow, I would vote for this guy. Dude, that's that good crack sleep he was getting.

Yes. That nice REM cycle crack sleep. It's a portable CPAP. Yeah. I would have almost felt bad waking him up if I was that cop. I'm like, that dude is having a good crack sleep. This happened to me in New Orleans. I got woken up by a cop. Crack?

No, no crack. I was, I don't know, 17. My parents were out of town, so I took my dad's Lexus, went to a crazy house party, got drunk, said I could drive home, woke up on Martin Luther King Boulevard. And you know the Chris Rock joke, if you're on Martin Luther King, there's some violence going down. So whatever, I'm asleep in the Lexus. Sun's coming in. Knock on the windshield.

He's up. He's alive. Somebody called him he says there's a dead white kid in a lexus in the projects holy so the cops swarmed and i was like oh hey what's up officer they're like get out of the car get out of the car and i pissed myself and it was leather seats so it just pooled it just pooled so i get out there's a puddle there i'm soaking wet guy goes give me your id that's wet the whole thing's wet it's all covered in piss and they look in the car somehow by the grace of god i had taken the keys out of the ignition and put them on the floor oh thank god i don't know why and uh that's why i didn't

get a dui holy yeah but i had to walk home have you ever gotten a dui no you sam i should i can't drive i have a license but i can't drive I got a license on like a fluke. I can't drive. That is so New York. That's hilarious. You guys can all, you can drive. But I didn't, same New York. I didn't start driving until I was like 28.

Wow. Crazy. I got my license at 28. Yeah. No, I got 16 because I was upstate. But upstate, you got DUIs. We got DUIs because they would wait at the bar. Oh, yeah.

And then everybody leaving, they look for an excuse. And you got a bad one. I got a DUIs. We got DUIs because they would wait at the bar. Oh, yeah. And then everybody leaving, they'd look for an excuse. And you got a bad one. I got a DUI. I was 21, and I was drinking Long Island Iced Teas. That'll do it. And, dude, it was two driveways from my bedroom. So he pulled me and my buddy go there. I had like four Long Island Iced Teas.

I was hammered. That's, I think, what, 20 drinks? Oh, dude, I was. 20 beers. Different beer. Different drinks. And I could have walked, but it was just like right around. So he was just hanging out.

He pulled me over. He goes, yeah, your license plate bulb is out. And then he looked in my eyes and he goes, keep it drinking? And I go, I did this shit. I go, yeah, you listen, I'm going to be honest with you. I had one. I go, I had one. And he goes, yeah, you listen. I'm going to be honest with you. I had one. I go, I had one. And he goes, yeah.

And he goes, what do you know? And I go, yeah, I had one beer. And he goes, and then I came out and I, like out of like 13 tests, I failed 11 of them. And I go, officer, you see that light right there? It's a true story. You see that light right there? I go, that's my bedroom, man. I was like, I'll leave the car here.

Can I just? And he's like, ah, dude, I got to take you. I got to take you down. I have a question. Why do you 13 tests when you fail that many yeah aren't you just wasting time they're like they ask you for letters they ask you to walk they ask you to touch things they ask you to walk and touch your nose so you do it all he's got like the chart and he's like dude you failed everything he's like do you like my penis you're like no he's like that's another fail unfortunately he's like

that's 12 13 does seem excessive. Dude, I'm buzzing my nuts off already. This is wild. You know what Paul has? He has, like, great energy. Good energy. It's just, like, good enthusiasm. Yeah.

You know what? That's why I'm a good Nick fan. That's why I'm a good Nick fan, dude. Well, you guys. Oh, shit. It's already hitting him. His pocket's going to be nine hours long Sorry, sorry guys

No, because you have that thing That a lot of Knicks fans Giannis jumped ship Masochism No, no, no Giannis jumped ship Which I can't I love him

I'm here I love him I went to all three home playoff games against the Heat I took my son against game three against the Cavs It was incredible I'm diehard. I'll support him. I'll tell you what.

You know what these finals have shown me? These Eastern Conference finals have shown me the Knicks were the second best team in the East. That's what I've learned. If Randall played better the first, and he will next year. Your loyalty to the Knicks is baffling. How, though? He seems only the positive. But it's your team.

It was my team. Yeah, but imagine jumping, though. You jumped away from a team. I don't imagine I did it it's your team. It was my team. Yeah, but see, imagine jumping, though. You jumped away from a team. I don't imagine I did it. Yeah, because of- I walked away. It was an unhealthy relationship. Who are you with now?

I'm nobody. Dang. See, that just shows you. Yeah, but when me- It was so toxic that I- You're like the Incredible Hulk just walking along the highway. But dude, when me, Sam, Jerry Ferrara are crying, what are you going to do? You know what I mean?

Like, we're going to have that moment, dude. We're going to have that. Jerry Ferrara is like you two. He's a real Knicks fan. I love him. He's the man. It's never going to happen with Dolan at the. Yeah, it will.

Yeah, it will. Dolan had nothing to do with this year, and we went that far. Shit rolls downhill. Who has you at the top? It'll happen. You guys believe. Damn. All right.

You're hanging in there. I love it. Both of you. I love it. Dude, I got my son. Jalen Brunson, we're going to be fine. My son's like, Dad, I'll die. He's like, I didn't, because I told him, I said, you'll never love the Knicks more than

me. He goes, I'll give my life for this. I said, well, let's not get crazy. My son goes, my son. So when we lost, when we lost, my son, my son's like my wife. When we, when me and my wife fight, she drifts quietly. When they fight, like me and my daughter, get it out now. Get it it on the table now i want to have a fucking good night get out my son and and wife they migrate away process it yeah so the knicks lost he just he put a hoodie up and he

just goes up to his room and i go what's up man let's watch the laker game and he just give me a second and dude he went in and he just sat in his room and he just he was tearing he was crying and then and then he came downstairs and he sat there and he processed it. But you know what? I felt like I'm a good father, man. I'm a good father, dude. You gotta roll with it. Wow. You can't jump ship, Jan. I've been

jump ship. I'm way out. Well, guess what? We'll welcome you back anytime. I told him that. It feels like I'm like, you know, You missed out on a hell of a year. You missed out on a hell of a year. You missed out on a hell of a year, buddy. You guys are working Scientology. It's wild to hear you talk about it. This is our year. Leah Remini.

And Randall's the answer. We're not kidnapping anybody. We're not violent people. We're not kidnapping family members. We're not dangerous people. New Yorkers. We're good people. Well, the Jets are worse. The Jets are worse. It's masochism, yeah. They just got Aaron Rodgers.

You never know. That's true. Yeah. All right. New York sports, baby. We're alive. We're well. The Rangers are going to be back next year.

New York sports are back on the fucking map, dude. There you go. Loser talk. That's such a loser talk. Let's go Liberty. We are. That's like you lost a hat after we gave you a beating for it. That's fucking loser behavior.

You stick with the hat. There you go, Taylor.. That's fucking loser behavior. You stick with the hat. There you go, Taylor. I'll stick with that. There we go. You look like this picture should be on a fucking mug shot somewhere. I know, right? There should be a wanted registered sex offender sign on the street with this image right here. That looks like a crack pipe should be in his hands.

Yeah. You wake up in the car. Officer. I was just napping. He didn't make the naval team. You look happy, though. What a happy guy. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. He likes to be trashed. Really fucking. Yeah, he does look happy. That's like a guy that you want in your corner. Like a Nick fan, like that. You're a Nick fan? I'm a Nick and a Met fan, so I'm loser, loser.

That's rough. Hey, you never, dude, you never know, man. Come on. Steve Cohen is, I'm a Yankee fan, but Steve Cohen's, loser. That's rough. Hey, you never know, man. Come on. Steve Cohen is... I'm a Yankees fan, but Steve Cohen's a great... I think he's a great owner. I think things could turn around. Bill Maher sold his Mets...

Whatever, his stock. He was invested in the Mets. Bill Maher? Yeah. Bill Maher watching the Mets. Oh, okay. You're going to make another error. Really?

You believe in God? Okay. There's only two pronouns. Okay. I do like that show a lot. He kind of flip-flopped big time, huh? He's all over the road now. He's a little fluid.

I feel like he went almost conservative a little bit, would you say? No. He's attacking the woke stuff. He's still left. He's still left. He started attacking the woke stuff. Yeah, yeah. He's still left. He's still left. He just shits on the left a lot. Well, the left is giving us more ammo, you know?

More comedy. Yes. Yeah. The left got silly. It got silly, yeah. Got silly. You know, it's a lady jerking off in a bathroom. There's all kinds of stuff going on with the left.

You look at some of this catch-or-leave stuff, it's hilarious. Like the new laws in San Francisco, now New York. If you steal some, it's like... Oh, yeah, $1,000 of merchandise. It's almost like you've got to apologize to them for having merchandise. Right, right. How has society failed you? Like how much Target is losing every year now?

Yeah. It's just like, how has society failed you? Dude, Adrienne Appaloochee had that great joke when she opened for Louie at the Garden when she said a trans family shooting a transgender person, killing a family, and then people going, how bad they feel for them. It must be so hard for you. What you're going through after this is so... Damn, she's great.

She's got great stuff. Louie picked her up because she had that bit about... Well, not literally. It's tough to pick her up. That's true. Louie scooped her or started using her sorry because she had that joke about the uh the catholic schools they put the uh oh the ash ash and he's like looks like target practice shooters louie's like who's this gal my new opener yeah there you go yeah she got great i mean she got one of my favorite jokes of all time the one about how her boyfriend threatened i probably said

on the pod before but my boyfriend threatened to, I probably said it in the pod before, but my boyfriend threatened to kill himself, and I was like, great, now I can't kill myself or people are going to think we were in love. Oh, that's a great joke. Brilliant. That's like a perfect, perfect one-liner. You can't write a better joke than that.

Especially when you know it's about Chris Italia. That's fucking hilarious. That's a great joke. It's perfect. There's like zero fat. Well, not on Natalia. That's a great joke. It's perfect. There's like zero fat.

It's just... Well, not on Natalia. No one will get that, but it worked in the room. Sometimes that's all that matters. Yeah. Sometimes it's... Damn. Yeah.

These drinks are fucking hitting, bro. Dude, no. Dude, I'm fucking... Slow down. I got shows today. This is our second episode today, so we are going to be fucked up. Oh, shit. But you know what?

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an additional 10 off your order today fume so you guys uh you're doing the youtube train with these specials or what yeah i did two of them i think my next one i'm gonna do that yeah i'm gonna do that yeah sal volcano is doing a youtube he's got all the fans in the world he's like fucking i'll just do youtube rogan's doing a youtube clips it's clips too man it's like it's crazy how it changed i think i'm gonna do the youtube one i love it now because nobody would touch us so we're like yeah we'll put it on here yeah why not the game has changed people are making movies just doing like, yeah, we'll put it on here. Yeah. Why not? The game has changed. People are making movies just doing like people. Yeah.

Like it's going to that place now. Good. Where you're just going to be able to. I mean, obviously, you're going to have to have money, but you can invest in a cast and you can invest in the cameras and make a movie, dude. You know what the industry feels like? It feels like the girl who was hot in high school and now she's like put on a few pounds. She's got a little older and she's like, wait, wait, come back.

I'll blow you now. Yeah. And then you come back and she's like, you got to wait six. She's gotten a little older. And she's like, wait, wait. Come back. I'll blow you now. And then you come back and she's like, you got to wait six months for me to reply to a text. And you're like, you? Yes. Yeah. No, that's the problem. It's like now with the writer's right, too. We've talked about this.

But, you know, things took long before this shit. Like for them to be like, okay, we have to talk to another. Just try setting a meeting with an industry person. Dude. Try setting a meeting. They're like, okay, well, is three weeks out from now? And you're like, what? Yeah.

You don't have a window before three weeks? That's to meet. And then you're like, okay, we'll brainstorm. Then you're like, well, how about I pitch something? That's in eight weeks. Yeah, exactly. No, dude, it's so true, man. Projects are.

We were supposed to get something done by January, and it still wasn't done, and then the writer's strike happened. It's like... But people are getting hit harder than us. I mean, thank God we have stand-up. You know what I mean? I know. The writers right now, that's some bullshit.

That's your bread and butter. I think it's going to be everybody. And it's just like, pay the writers, dude. Pay the fucking writers. Yeah. It's like every show that you love, that you say is great, is because of these writers. Just pay them.

I know. Yeah. I think about that all the time. i you know uh i re-watch i i don't watch as many new shows as i should i just kind of re-watch shows i really love like sopranos mad men the wire shit like that and like you watch these shows you're like why do i love this show it's a fucking i mean of course the acting is great of course like right you know the the filmmaking is great all that stuff but the writing is really no it, it's everything. Why you're there. That's the arc.

That's the, you know, why the actors get to be so good. Yeah. Yeah, I was talking to Brad Garrett about Everyone Loves Raymond. And he's like, dude, he's like, as great as we got, you know, chemistry and stuff, he's like, the writers did all of that. Oh, yeah. But he's a humble guy. He's like a really good guy.

And he's like incredibly, like, he's so talented. He's a funny guy. But nobody's, I think a lot of it too is just nobody's watching either. You look at the TikTok, the amount of time on TikTok versus even Netflix, streaming services, TikTok is like. It's noncommittal. Yeah. You have to commit to a show.

Whereas TikTok, you just, 10 seconds, next, 10 seconds. So then you're on the same amount of time, but that time was, it was like you went in without a commitment. Right. But that also, that hurts us too, though. That'll hurt us too if you want to put something out that you worked on for a long time that's long-winded. Now you got kids just going like, I want to see 19 seconds of it, you know?

The thing about comedians is we're like rats and roaches. We will adapt. Yes. We'll find a way in. We do. So whatever will hurt will also help us because we'll find a way in we do so whatever like we'll hurt hurt will also help us because we'll find it'll kill a few of us right but then we'll co-headline with ai yeah we'll figure it out it'll be yannis mauricia and artificial intelligence on one bill

there was cops there was like there was comics on rooftops like parks yards parking everywhere like it just we're like roaches. We survive. That's true. Yeah. We figure it out. Yeah, that's why when you ever meet those comics, they're like, I don't go to that room anymore because they don't get me.

And you're like, you're not going to make it. Yeah. Because you've got to be able to just figure it out or make it work. Or like, I'm not going there to fucking do that. It's like, dude, you've got to play the game a little bit. A little bit. You've got to hit some cities that might make you uncomfortable.

Yeah. Yeah. You know? You got to hit every city. I mean, I've done bagels. I've done a bagel store in my life. I've done. I mean, I've performed comedy.

I actually do better in the bagel stores. Yeah, bagel stores. Great. I mean, we've do the rooms we did coming up. Like, I remember there was a laundromat show. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I did a show in an apartment.

Yeah. Oh, many of those. Yeah. I remember when, like, someone would see you at a club and then hire you for a private birthday. Yes. And it's a horrible idea, but they're giving you, at that time, like, 500 bucks or 1,000 bucks, and you do it.

You just go in, and you're in someone's fucking living room. Oh, I did that. And there's, like, six people on a couch, and you're like, all right, here we go. Yeah, yeah. You're just counting the minutes. I walked around a pool when a kid graduated from high school and i just had a wireless around a pool in jersey it was fucking horrible christmas parties dj stops and you're like here we and nobody's listening oh the worst dude i just did a corporate gig i haven't bombed that bad since the

80s it was brutal brutal and it was the worst thing too i did this corporate gig guys like i'm a huge fan i watch everything you do i know all your act can you do this joke he knew i know my whole act so i'm like i'm killing this this guy knows my whole act he loves me he's like do whatever you want no restrictions it's a bunch of crazy real estate millionaires up there they don't they don't get offended i was like great i go up there you know immediately the feedback like out of a movie the fucking mic's going crazy and i open with a couple things about a guy in the front row and they're like no all right i'll go into my act no anything we had to set up and like talk about a bit or like have a you know there's like a premise to it they were out but if i called him gay that would kill

well that's what's frustrating too with those gigs i mean you're obviously not getting paid like it's a regular show pay was great yeah but at the same time you do those gigs and i remember like you'll go into a story you're like well this story works for my crowd and then you're like well my crowd pays attention they don't pay attention they don't pay you need to hit them quick i'm like this bit like it needs like it builds and it builds and it builds but it doesn't hit in the first three minutes you're fucked yes so you're like oh and the worst oh, I suck. And the worst thing was the guy who hired me was like sitting in the front row. And he was looking at me like, do it. What are you doing?

Oh, that's the worst. Show them why I love you. I'm doing it. That's a nightmare, dude. It was a nightmare. I did a private for a guy. He literally sent a special of mine to all his friends coming. Like, you're going to love this guy.

They just didn't give a fuck. They were like, yeah, whatever. I don't give a shit but he was like this is the guy they're like all right i don't know i love those gigs like you you the gps tells you to take the tunnel and there's traffic in the tunnel and then you go back take the bridge there's traffic at the bridge it's like i'll do crowd work that doesn't work then you go back there's fucking traffic everywhere and you think on the way home what could you have done and there's nothing that you could have

not much it was just traffic everywhere there was this country club gig and they're like hey man they're giving an award out they give it every year

to this guy he goes he's a billionaire his wife's name is Lindsay roast him talk about how she's got fake tits talk about how she's got fake tits

and talk about this and he's got all this money so I'm up there and I'm kind of dying and it's all just one percenters. Yeah, yeah. Like ice sculptures and people just carving meat off of a thing and they just came off a golf course and they're all smoking cigars, right? So then I finally go, where's, what's his name?

The guy winning the award. So they go like this. And I just go like this. I go, yeah, this guy, man. Talk about his money. I go, he's got his hands on a lot of paper and plastic. And I go, and by plastic, I mean his wife, Lindsay's tits. And everyone just goes, guy, man. Talk about his money. I go, he's got his hands on a lot of paper and plastic. And I go, and by plastic, I mean his wife Lindsay's tits. And everyone just goes, whoa, no.

No. And the old man goes, no, dude, no. And I'm going, what? So anyway, then I started making fun of Chris Christie. And I started calling him a fat. I started doing it. And somebody said he leaned over. Jason Lawhead was there.

Somebody goes, hey, man, we just threw Chris Christie a $3,000 a plate fundraiser last weekend in South Carolina and I start shitting on him. And one old man, he was 80, he was like, all right, all right. Like, in other words...

Wow. Yeah, and I had a check for $2,000 in my pocket. I walked offstage into the parking lot and I just text the other comic. I go, in the car. Wow. It was fucking.

It was brutal. Yeah. It's so funny. You don't know you're ruining your career with roasting this bill. You're like, roast this bill right now. You're like, start shitting on some guy. You're like, who is this? Like, Jeff Bezos?

You're like, oh, fuck. I know. Yeah. That was my life. Also, if it was $3,000 a plate, Chris Christie, he must have spent $40,000. Yeah, I've had these corporate guys did a corporate for big pharma and man did i die and he's one of those bombs where you're like that worked on the tonight show you know when you're like bitter now because you've been bombing for 12 minutes and like nothing's working and then i eventually hit on a guy's wife or attacked a guy's wife she starts crying it's the fucking

ceo's wife so he has to run out and She starts crying. It's the fucking CEO's wife. So he has to run out and save her. And they're like, the guy comes back. He's like, cut it, cut it. So they replaced me mid-show. Well, it's Big Pharma. You can get her some antidepressants, I'm sure. It'll be okay.

I know. I made a lot of those jokes. I was like, you guys are fucking drug dealers. Fuck off. You notice how it's always the great gigs with money that are just the worst. The worst. You just say no to them. It's just like, no.

They're like, hey, you want to do a Christmas party? Depends how much money. Yeah. Start the car. You just start the car and do the jokes and bomb it up and leave. I remember I bombed a private event once so hard and I ran into Mulaney at the comedy cellar right after and he was like, how you doing? I was like, I just bombed a private event.

He was like, yeah, great. How you doing? What's going on? We all bombs. I bombed a private and he goes like, yeah, great. How you doing? What's going on? We all bombed. I bombed a private. And he goes, he goes, oh. He chewed me up. He was like, oh, you know whenever I'm bombing one of those, I think about, I just think

about what I'm going to buy. Oh. I was like, that's actually good advice. That's not bad. Yeah, that's definitely good advice. You just bomb me. You're like, oh, buy this thing. So I'll get some Adderall.

Oh, that's really good advice. 20 grams of Coke. When he said he was doing drugs since 14, I was like, what the fuck? You just don't see that. You never saw that. That goes back to our point before. Yeah, the cleaner comics. Yeah, the more together someone seems.

Even he said that. I saw him on some podcast talking about it. He was like, isn't it always that way? Even he was admitting it. I think it was Theo Vaughn. Yeah, that was a great. I would have never thought it was. And he was like, but that isn't that always what it is? The guy who you think is the opposite together.

And you're like, yeah, it always is kind of like every time. There was a serial rape. There was a serial rapist who was cleaner than Cosby. Yeah. He would go to his champ. And they looked at they got him by looking at his schedule. Yeah. Because he was just raping like raping girls and tour. It matched up with his matched up with his Yeah. Because he was just raping girls.

It was like tour. It matched up with his tour. It matched up with his tour. And he was squeaky clean. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And he would give comics shit about their cursing and stuff. Just like Cosby.

Just like Cosby, yeah. You got to get it out somewhere. That's so weird. Everybody evens out. You got to get it out somewhere. Yeah. Well, when you go that extreme, it's like, why? What are you hiding?

Yeah. There's a reason for it. I always- Well, to be clean is one thing, but then to scold other people for not being yeah that's that's when i'm becoming a little suspicious yeah another one being clean yeah it definitely opens you up for more it's that holier than thou it's been talked about to death but politicians same shit i mean when you when you're doing the whole thing like you know gay shouldn't have this and you're like dude just let's let's just skip this scene real quickly yeah yeah you're fucking a dude yeah let me see your credit card let me see

your credit card bill why were you at the super eight what's going on it's always a motel always motel yeah it's cheap it's quick and there's no reason to be that mad about it exactly there's no reason to be like how could you be with another man if it's like why would you why are you getting like that yes oh you're projecting your own shit that's why i love the like people who cancel people and then people start looking shit up and they're like oh yeah the baby in 1981 with the you know you choked out a baby there's always something it's like when they're mad about the drag queens dancing i'm like they're dancing right who gives a fuck yeah but, but the kids, I mean, why are drag queens doing story hour? It started in Texas, and it became wildly popular, and then other people, oh, it's my drag queen alarm.

It is a weird mix. Even like a longshore. Longshoremen are teaching kids. That's a weird one, too. I don't dislike longshoremen. Yeah, because it's a nightclub act. Right, right. That's the weird thing.

There shouldn't even be comedy shows at kindergarten. Even if Nate Bargatze showed up, I'd be like, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is weird. Well, if you're a comic and you're performing for kindergartners, you've got a brain injury. Yeah, yeah. Why are you? What are you doing?

Ishi-poo, ishi what are you doing that's your act you're not a cop but it is weird for like a drag a grown man to dress in drag and go to a first grade school like that's just why very strange sure yeah i wouldn't kindergarten kids i always think about them like i wouldn't even want a comedy show coming to my kids of course of course and it's weird that's a g almost showing up at my daughter's second grade i'm like whoa and he's got kids yeah he's got kids and be like no i don't want him to watch the show well i was draped i was raised by a drag queen i our nanny was a big drag guy big black guy in a wig and all that and like really he didn't do it at the fuck's going on in new orleans well

it's new orleans it's lawless you know but wait a minute that was like your babysitter yeah it was like our name he cleaned the house but he would would also kind of take care of me and my brother. My parents were workaholics. So he was always there, and he taught me how to drive a stick. He taught me how to shave. But he had a wig on and high heels. But it was just normal. And my parents were like, you know, cool it with the drag act.

Like, they wouldn't want him being like, ba-da-boom, ba-boom, ba-ba, you know? But he was still a hell of a nanny. Wait, they told him to cool it with the drag act like they wouldn't want him being like ba-da-boom ba-boom ba-ba you know but he was still a hell of a nanny wait they told him to cool it like like yeah like they didn't want him uh but they hired him and they were like they hired him he was a good guy he was a great dude but he it was they didn't want him to wear the heels no no they were fine with the heels just don't don't like dance it up don't get the boa out and do all that shit. Was it bizarre seeing a guy with authority with high heels on talking to you? You got used to it pretty quick, actually. And now I can't get hard unless I see a picture of RuPaul. But it's still weird. Other friends would come over like, what the fuck's up with this guy?

I'm like, ah, that's just Enos. He's cool. That's amazing. That's a true thing? True story, yeah. He was eventually killed because he hooked up with a guy in a van, and the guy thought he was a woman. Then the dick came out.

Oh. A little street justice. Was he passable? No. But, you know, you get a couple of Versys out there. Yeah. Were you, like, were you fucked up over that? A little.

I was in college by that point. That must have been i mean that was like a guy who helped raise it was crazy yeah it was the whole big thing with the family that's interesting yeah true story did you go to the funeral no funeral no family no family yeah and we gave him that van that was our van that we gave him did you get it back yeah we didn't get the van back it's a lot of blood on it who are your parents that they hired a drag queen? They're like the most liberal, open-minded Southern people ever. Yeah. New Orleans people are interesting.

Very weird, eccentric. A weird mix of eccentric kind of. For sure. It's almost like not American, the city. It almost feels like foreign, you know? Like a mix of Frenchy people. Sure. Yeah.

French are always into something weird. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it always into something weird. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it's a lot of black influence, so it's a good mix. Well, the French are weirdly, like, judgmental, but also open-minded. Yeah. Yeah. The kids are drinking wine, smoking.

Yeah. They're, like, way cooler about, like, affairs and stuff. Oh, very sexual people. Very cool. Remember when there was a Me Too thing started? The French had the Not Me movement. Yeah. All people. Yeah, very cool. Remember when there was a Me Too thing started? The French had the Not Me movement. Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Damn. We're the opposite. We're not cool about sex, but shoot shit up. We want to shoot things. Oh, yeah. Yeah, diving gun guy shits the gold nugget. That's every American movie.

Yeah, we're very repressed. Yeah, we get it out in other ways. And then you watch their movies. It's like everyone's making out. Everyone's having affairs. Yeah. You know, it's... Well, that's what's weird about the super left now.

Like, I'll do shows for, like, super left. And they're almost Christian conservative. Like, oh, how dare you? And I'm like, you guys are like Nancy Reagan out here. It's very strange. They're supposed to be the people. Yeah. They're supposed to be the people that are, like, not down.

They're, like, proverbially whipping themselves. Like, where's the... Did he say trance? can't like smile they're like where's the open-minded yeah and all that yeah they're nervous they feel like they're complicit yeah rather than just seeing a show and yeah exactly should we do some news here we go from gilligan dude i'm buzzing my nuts are you guys buzzing? Oh yeah, second show. Yeah, we're buzzing, baby. This guy said he can go all night. He's like, fuck that one, two drinks.

Listen, don't get, I mean, don't get it twisted. Don't tease him. He's one of those dudes that I think gets drunk with a second drink, but can have 40 drinks. Oh yeah, yes. I think he's one of those. All right, this is good for when I fart. We'll get one of these in the studio. Is Dyson's air purifying, Bane mask a breath of fresh air?

See, my wife has breathing problems, so I'm going to get this for her. But really, it'll just double as she can't talk. It's hard enough to meet a person. Now they're wearing this shit. I thought we were done with masks. We should be done. When I see a person wearing a mask now, I'm like, that should be illegal now. I almost feel threatened.

I'm like, are they about to rob a store? That's over. You can't just. Oh, yeah. For sure. You should have to paint the rest of their face on there so you can be identified. Because now you're a bandit. Right.

Right. Dude, LAX yesterday packed with masks. Really? Yeah. Yeah. It's weird. Well, if they're Asian, I let it slide. No, these were like, actually, I saw all different black couples walking masks. Yeah. It's weird. Well, if they're Asian, I let it slide. No, these were like, actually, I saw all different, like, black couples walking masks.

Interesting. I thought it was going to be like, no, these are actually normal people. These are people you don't want to be violent against. It is weird. The Bane mask is... These were real people. These were people. That's a weird...

It's a weird... Not Asian. They were people. I don't understand why you can't... Is this... You wear this out in public or do you wear this at home only? Well, we have a cat

and my wife's alert to cats. Yeah. But she just loves cats because she's allergic to them. It's kind of a weird paradox. So should I throw that thing on? Yeah. I was like,

should I get you this? She's like, well, look at this. She's yapping it up too. Like, throw the Dyson on your fucking cat. Exactly. Stop yapping.

Okay, there's another story here. There's a China's backlash against a comedy... Against a comedy... I saw this shit. Exactly. Stop yapping. Okay, there's another story here. China's backlash against a comedy. I saw this shit. There's fear of a clampdown. One joke by a Chinese comedian. Hold on a second. Fear of a clampdown?

You're in China. You're like, whoa, things are getting a little sensory. Where's our daughter? Fear of a clampdown coming. A clampdown. You can't even, you're not allowed to look at the internet over there. A $2 million fine, a police probe, and a sweep of canceled shows. $2 million fine?

What the fuck is wrong with this comic? Dude, know your audience. Yeah, right? You go to a fucking yeshiva and do Holocaust jokes? Move here. I would, actually. But yeah, sure. Yeah, you could do it. But it's like, you're in China.

Death to the West jokes. That happened on my quarter. Taiwan's Chinese jokes. That's it. Yeah, that's it. What are you, crazy? Move here and open for Ali Wong. Yeah.

Well, you know what it is? It's like they say something like, it's somewhat free speech in China. I'm like, well, that ain't free speech. It's like, it's free speech in China the way it's like free speech with your girlfriend. It's like there's certain shit you can say and then shit where you're like, yeah, I'm fucked. Right, right. They're not allowed to search certain things on Google. Like, yeah, they can't.

They can't get on sites and stuff. And they have a limited amount of time with TikTok, which is weird because they invented it. They must be so annoyed with us complaining what we could talk about. I know. Like these Brooklyn comics. Their TikTok is different. They show... Yeah. It's completely controlled. Oh, it's like engineering videos.

All science stuff. Yeah, that's fucking brilliant. Work, work, work, work. Is she 14? Too old. Swipe. I mean, this is a new, this is sad. I mean, China was already, this is a new low main. Yeah.

We can't trust China. They've already built a wall. Yeah, they built a wall. Yeah, they got it done. They got it done a long time ago. Yep. I wonder if there's still someone in China like, cancel culture's not real. Like, bitch, I gotta pay

two million over here. Can I get a top off? Absolutely. In China, our podcast is called They're Totally Not Drunk. Yeah. But seriously, I blame the comic. Because he should have known better. Just know your audience,

man. Well, you know Veer Das. He's an Indian comic. He's got like 12 lawsuits going. It's insane. If you haven't heard of Veer Das' episode, great episode. I mean, crazy. Fascinating guy. It's not going to be a comic that changes it, though.

No, no, no. It's not going to be like, there's not going to be no comic who's up there who changes a culture. I don't know, dude. Lenny Bruce, he pushed back. I mean, he did. It was the conservative right back then. Now it's the left. True, true.

He's like Dick Jokes Jesus. He kind of is. He's the guy for us to be able to say fucking whore and cunt and stuff like that. Yeah. Cocksucker. That's what he went to jail for. What, cocksucker? Cocksucker, yeah.

It does say in China that stand-up comedy is a rare refuge for free speech. Yeah, but we say that shit here. It's the last bastion. Yeah. Only time you hear the word bastion. Do you know in those, you know in like in Scandinavian countries, they kind of look down at comedians?

They kind of look down at comedians here. Yeah, but I mean, like not like blue collar, like regular people. I feel like the industry like we're the lowest on the totem pole. Oh yeah, show business for sure. But I mean, we still get to be stars and people like excited over there. They're like, you're a comedian, they look down because they're so educated and they just. Yeah.

It's not a lofty profession. Thank you, buddy. Thank you so much. Well, I mean, it's kind of like how it was in the, you know, the court of justice. Thanks for having me. Oh, I love it, buddy. Yeah, I think they kind of accurate. They more accurately see us for who we are.

Yeah, yeah. It's like we're still a guy who you know you're a guy who shit his pants in new orleans exactly your dad's new orleans your your dad also didn't say we're fucking broken toys yeah yeah but that's what's fun we're having a good time that's really i mean that's the thing is like this is a fun life oh yeah it's great i'd rather be here than there i don't want the celebrity i don't want to be fucking no comics are the most down-to-earth people they really are really close that's what makes it when you guys you guys be successful is it tough it's weird

it's getting weird a little i don't like it i want to go back yeah it is a blue car blue blue collar art form it really because you got to just grind grind grind go back to work go back to work fail it's a lot of failure. But weirdly, if you think about it, even being a Broadway actor is weirdly blue collar. The work you have to do, the work ethic you have to have is insane. Yeah, but they're throwing them

flowers and shit. Of course, it's a different energy, of course. It's respected. There's no one doing Othello in a bar outside of New Hampshire. Fair enough, Fair enough. Fair enough. But I'm just saying like the work you have. Maybe blue collar is the wrong word.

But like the work ethic you have to put in. Yeah. I mean, have you ever gotten like a Broadway show? These dudes are fucking insane. Oh, it's incredible. It's incredible. But I feel like they get respect. They have assistants.

They work out. They only do six months out of the year. I think it's a little more pampered. Fair enough. We can go on drunk. There is a difference. That's true. That's's the only thing when i did america's got talent i'm like these people like stretching and like trying to get ready i'm like i'm like two beers in yeah sometimes we go up with no show sometimes yeah yeah it's like we are kind of the lowest we're

just like we go up there and talk yeah sometimes we're not even doing jokes we're just like where are you yeah but one yeah but we also forget, though. You also forget, sometimes you have a killer bit, or like that bit you said about Adrian with that thing. Brilliant. Yeah, so like sometimes it's a really smart... So the whole thing of like traveling clowns, I was talking

to maybe Brett Ernst or somebody like, oh, we're clowns. It's like, yeah, well, clowns really don't make you think. That's true. Comedians make a good bit or something that really, you know, as much as you want to say it's a low art form, it's a smart thing. I love how it bothers you at the low art. You have too much pride. That's a Sicilian pride. No, no, no, but here's the thing.

It's kind of a part of that. No, but here's the thing. Because Soder was on a podcast. We were talking. It was like, you know, because Jessica's like, I'm a traveling clown. And Soder's like, yeah, we're traveling clowns. And I go, yeah, but clowns don't make you think all the time. I agree. And you could do a bit like richard i'm looking at richard prior

has done things where you're just like dude that's so fucking brilliant that that's you could say it's the lowest form but not many people are doing that yeah yeah and how many people on the road go like you got me through it my mom died you got me through it i like being i like being thought of as a traveling clown and then hopefully exceeding expectations. Yes. There you go. As opposed to the opposite where they raise us up and then we have to – then they're like, that's it? Yeah.

You don't want to be important. It's almost us being – like almost us not liking compliments and saying – so you're just like – but you are kind of – when somebody goes, hey, man, that one bit, dude, is so funny and I really love – that's a thing, dude. That's huge. It's a social service we do. We're social workers. it. That's a thing, dude. That's huge. It's a social service we do. We're social workers. Yeah. We're like roofing.

We're roof social workers. You sounded very Jewish when you said that. We're social workers. It's a social service. It's a social service we're doing. Are you finishing the news for us, Peter? Are you mic'd? Yeah.

We lost the skipper. Yeah. He didn't even say bye. It's a three-hour pod. This is a weird mix of producers you got. We got a whole thing. You got like the prototypical football fan, a drunk sailor, and a metrosexual Jersey bartender. There's a three random male generic stereotype. This is a sick white man.

Yeah, white men is the common thread. Oh, no. Oh, dude. That would have been all right. Well, they got to be on time. You should get your Nick friend comic friends here and watch Nick's game. And call it real? Oh, dude, call it.

In real time? That'd be fun, dude. That would be fun. That would be pretty fun. All right. A teacher in Florida is under investigation for misconduct god these kids today got it made under the states don't say gay laws after they showed the film strange world oh never mind character i don't even i don't even i don't know the movie i've never heard of the

movie but every disney movie has a gay character jafar uh basically every villain is they're all gay well that one executive admitted it there was one there was one uh woman executive she goes listen she goes i wanted to put you know i wanted to put that in in there and like it she was getting some like you know some kind of you know i guess backlash a little bit oh she went a little inclusive with some gay because i think she might be she might be a lesbian she might be a lesbian so she wanted the characters to be like her and stuff like that, but it's... But why is this a news story? I mean, this is like... Are they eating each other's ass, or is there just a gay character?

Right, how do they know the character's gay? Right. He might say it. Dude, I mean, you could watch a Disney... Did it come out with, like, Tina Turner tickets? You could watch a movie and know. Like, how do you... But that's the thing.

It's like, they shouldn't be talking about sex in disney movies so it's like are they just assuming the characters i don't know it's like hi maybe but yeah they're all gay the seven dwarves uh you know scar from uh lion king it is weird how sexual shit is happening around kids you can't kind of deny that that's kind of you know like we were talking about before with the drag queen thing it's around kids you can't kind of deny that that's kind of oh you know like we were talking about before with the drag queen thing it's around kids a bit it's weird mark and i aren't dads you guys are dads i mean yeah i i don't for me i just like i don't really watch kids movies here's the deal i i thought it was like that was a great backpedal right and then i was doing what no i'm joking yeah

i was in jersey doing a show it was like during during the pandemic. It was an outdoor show. And I saw one. I actually. You saw what? It was like seeing a bobcat. What? I saw a drag story out. Oh. I saw one live. What?

Yeah. It's like seeing a bobcat or a black person in our neighborhood. It's like, whoa. I finally saw it. And so I watched it. So you got firsthand experience. I got firsthand experience. How was it?

I got firsthand experience seeing it. I got to say. Disturbing. say disturbing it felt forced right it felt weird it felt like what is going on it just makes a little kid go what is mommy why was that man dressed like that there's that that's an honest question well here's what i here's what i witnessed i witnessed the kids being kids right yeah but you know here's what i say to that why is that man dressed like that i grew up in new york city it's like who gives a shit i'd see that all the time and i would and my mom would just say well that's how they are well this is why i agree with you i didn't have like a moral objection to it per se it just felt forced but why was it a screw but i guess the question is

why is it at school it wasn't a school it was an outdoor event so i don't know if it was affiliated with school but it was definitely drag queen gays-themed, like, story time and music. And, like, there's kids. It felt – it does feel like a pushing of a thing. Right, right. You know, like, oppressed people do that. They get a little louder. We're here now.

They, like, want to – Sure. Because the kids are not paying attention. The kids are being kids. Yeah. The kids were all, like, looking at each other, playing around, running around. And you just saw these drag queens, like, trying to get their attention. But kids are, like, picking their nose, throwing shit at each other.

Because they're four. They don't want to watch a concert. Yes. And so it was just like, and the parents were overly going like, yeah. So it was like a concert for the parents. Where were you? This was in New Jersey. Well, they're kind of signaling.

Like, we're on board. Exactly. Yeah. Because I think that's the type of parent who brings their kid to that event. Got it. It's like, I want people to see me with my kid here. Yes. Because there's going to be no neo-Nazis in my periphery.

Right, right. We're an accepting family. You're sending a message. It's fake. Yeah. I get the force thing. It's like when you watch a movie where the female star is beating up all the guys. You're like, I get what we're doing here.

We have to pretend like this lady can fight 38 dudes who are bigger than her. And nobody's mad at drag queens. No. It's just that doing that, pushing it into school just doesn't seem necessary. It's a nightclub act. It really is. You know what's funny? When people say it's pushing schools, what does that mean?

There is a whole thing called the drag school. In New York, there's a drag queen story hour or something where they go to schools and they do it on ferries. And they like drag queens read books to kids. Yeah. So drag queens will come in and they'll do like splits and they'll be like, hey, kids. You know what's funny, though? You know how honest kids are when they're young. They're like a little mean.

I love that. You know there's going to be some kid going, you're a man with a dress. No, no, no. You're a man with a dress. Mom's going, don't say that. He's going to call her her. He's like, I meme. I love that. I know there's going to be some kid going, you're a man with a dress. No, no, no. You're a man with a dress. Mom's going, don't say that. He's going to call her her. He's like, I can't call her her. He's got a beard.

His name's Dennis. Right. By the way, the kids just sound like an anchor on Fox. That's all it is. I'm like, oh, I think he just got an hour show. That's a crazy looking drag queen, though. They don't all have to look that insane, by the way. But yeah.

All right. That's fun. Weird times. Yeah, it's dragstoryhour.org. So it is happening. Weird times. Yeah. It is happening.

We should book one. Yeah. It should be interesting. I'd love to ask questions. I'm curious. I'd love to get to the bottom of it. Hey, I would love it. It's fun.

Drag shows are fun. But I do understand other people's points of like, why in school i do of course i understand that and my point again i'll just because i know people may get upset my point is just like i wouldn't even want comedy in a school right nothing that's like right it just seems pushed and forced when it's not necessary that's not against them it's for

adults yeah yeah i hear you you know drag queens don't go out there with, like, librarian outfits on. Sure. Wasn't there, like, a Wesley Snipes movie with drag queens when they ran out of a bar? Too Long Foo with Thank You for Everything Julie Newmar. Never seen it. Yeah, no, it's a fun movie. Wesley Snipes, Kurt Russell, and I think John Leguizamo. I don't know it.

Yeah, it was a show in the 90s or a movie in the 90s about drag queens. Good times. All right. We got a Twitch streamer went viral after being banned from the platform. Now we're talking. For running a queefing for sex live stream. Oh, my God. We should get her in here.

I want to challenge her with some farts. Yeah. Dude, isn't that how Howard Stern got big ratings? What's the problem here? I don't understand. I don't get it. Let her queef. Yeah, let her queef. Queef't understand. I don't get it. Let her queef. Yeah, let her queef.

Queef it up. That's a good shirt. Let her queef. Yeah, I'm pro-queef. Where did you find this article? The Wall Street Journal? Where are we pulling this from? Pop Crush.

Whatever that is. What the hell? Where did we get these articles? Queefing for subs? Did the captain just fucking die? Where is he? He had to undo the boats. He didn't come back.

Yeah, he's at the schooner. Yeah, but I mean, you know, it's weird that you're not allowed to queef on Twitch. It's Twitch. Yeah. Who gives a fuck? You can fart, but you can't do that. Yeah. Why is it bad?

What about OnlyFans? Is that the same thing or not? No, that's where she went to go queef it up. Queef it up. Yeah, good for her. Queef Latifah. That's her handle on Twitter if you want to look her up. This is American.

Again, it's like you go and you watch 911 call videos and it's no problem. But if you queef, you got to get banned. I saw one of the tweets. It was like, we need to normalize women. I i'm like normalize this isn't mlk like maybe dial it back a little queefs are great though i love a queef pussy farts yeah i mean they are it means you're doing well i mean i don't know if i would call them great well they're funny they should teach kids how to queef they're funny unless your dick causes one. Oh, is that bad?

Because when your dick causes one, that means there's a lot of air around it. Your dick is up to small. Well, now you just ruined my day. I'm the queef king. Yeah, a queef is sort of like a small dick alarm. The more they queef, that means your dick is not really filling up what you need to be. Really? Yeah.

Oh, damn it. I haven't heard a queef in years, by the way. I queef every time. I've heard a few. All right. You're doing all right downtown. I'm average. All right.

That's what I thought I was. Yeah. He's the least. I love when guys go, I've never had any complaints. It's like a woman's going to go, I'd like to make a complaint. Can I speak to a manager here? I order two more inches of dick. Two more fingers.

Would you take a bigger dick or going longer? Bigger dick? Bigger dick, dude. What kind of question is that? Bigger dick or what? Jesus Christ. Going or lasting longer. Oh, yeah.

No one cares about lasting longer. That's like from her perspective. I'll take the bigger dick. I don't care if I last longer. No, but I'm talking about like you can't give... Do you know how depressing it's going to be for you to every time? Every time you're going to do 20 seconds. I could still eat her pussy. I don't have to

use my dick for that. Yeah, you could jerk off before and get a Viagra. The lasting longer thing is like almost a nuisance. Yeah. Well, too big. Wait a minute, though. You don't go too big. Really? Like, you want to give a little. If you last too long, though, then she's, like, annoyed. How often do you go, like, when she's trying to talk sexy, like, I want you to come.

And you're like, you're not enjoying this. No, I know. There's a lot of that. What do you think the average is? Like, six, seven minutes average? Average? Six, seven minutes. It depends on condom or no condom.

There's a lot of factors here. How hot the girl is. Yeah. How drunk you are. That's a big one. There's a lot of factors here. How hot the girl is. Yeah. How drunk you are. That's a big one. That's a big one. Oh, you want Coke? Is she making fun of you for being adopted?

There's a lot of factors here about whether or not you're coming. Is her stubble showing? Did I say that out loud? Is she a drag queen? Yeah. Right, right. The wheelchair. You know what's funny is when you try to ignore the truth of stereotypes, but it's in your face and you can't help it.

True for a reason. I played basketball. I'd be in the locker room, and it's just true. The black dick. I mean, it's just. It's crazy. They're just uncomfortably big sometimes. Yeah.

And I've seen big white dicks. They're out there. They can be up there, but when they're big, it's like they black when they're like whoa yeah yeah for sure but maybe it's just my tiny dick talk but i've heard a lot of ladies like that the big ones they heard they can't it's a myth we don't like it yeah that could be just i don't know but this is why i proposed yeah but i mean dude i there's i've seen some uncomfortably big black dicks. Oh, yeah. It's crazy.

That's just on my desktop. Yeah. But also there's some math involved, too, where you're like, all right, I'm looking at that guy's dong. It's 46 inches. But how long till we hit the sternum here of a lady? You know? Like, how far can you really put that in logistically? Well, they only have a sternum.

Yeah, no. Well, Theo Vaughn actually had a theory. Please. In the culture, he feels like the dicks correlate to the ass size. I've heard this from a black guy. I heard this. Yeah. I don't know if that's a theory.

I thought it was funny, but then I gave some good scientific consideration. I thought it was a theory like he's Isaac Newton. I don't know if that's a theory. E equals MC squared. But that explains the Asian. It explains the Asian if that's a theory. I think a beaker's going. E equals MC squared. But that explains the Asian. Look at her ass. It explains the Asian. That's what he said.

The Asian, small, no asses, flat. Well, women's white asses are getting bigger, so maybe white dicks will get bigger as well. You know? With evolution. It's an interesting theory. I like it. I had a black guy tell me that. Because you've got to get past the ass to inseminate.

Right. I don't know if I can get there. Yeah. I don't even know if I can get there, dude. I had a black guy tell me that. Yeah. Because you got to get past the ass. Right. To inseminate. Right. I don't know if I can get there. Yeah. I don't even know if I can get there, dude. I know. My dick would have to wear lifts. I'd have to be on the shoulder of another dick in a raincoat. It's like rush hour on a Sunday getting back in the...

I don't even know if I'm going to make it. I don't even know if you can make it. Wow. Okay. It can stretch to four to eight inches. Who is this? I heard eight was the... Oh, eight. Eight was the max that you could give it. Okay. It can stretch to four to eight inches. Who is this? I heard eight was the max that you could give it. Yeah.

Oh, all right. Interesting. I hope she doesn't get too aroused. I think there's something just small dick dudes created to make us feel better. Only the first two inches are sensitive. Dude, that baby dick thing is brutal. What's that? That condition that dudes have where they have a dick that's like a fucking-

Oh, micro. Like a micro dick. Hitler, right? What? Did he? Hitler had a micro dick. No, did he have a micro dick? He probably did.

I know he had one ball. That explains a lot of anger. You don't do that with a big dick. You don't give speeches that angrily. Yeah, if you have a big dick. That's true. True. Yeah, you just don't.

But that micro dick is tough when it's like one of those things on a roulette wheel where you can't even tuck it. Bet on black. Don't go there. All right, last story. A girl discovered her stepfather is her biggest OnlyFans supporter, spending over $2,000. Oh, my God. How about a thank you? How about a thank you?

Yeah, you're welcome with the money. Yeah, but there could be something behind it. You got to figure out what that is. Guy's living with her. And it broke up her wedding with her mother. Oh, wow. She's pretty hot. Worth it.

Damn. I mean, that's definitely, that's a tough conversation with your mother. Like, Mom, your boyfriend's looking at pictures of me naked on the Internet. She's like, there are pictures of you naked on the internet? She's like, one thing at a time. Let me ask you a question, though. If you date a woman and you found out her hot legal daughter, her hot legal daughter, only fan page, how do you not?

My question is, how do you not? There's not even a chance. That's horrible. How do you not what? You can't do that. How do you not order it and look? How do you not? You can't do that. It's too tempting. You do you not what? You can't do that. How do you not order it and look? How do you not? You can't do that.

It's too tempting. You can't do it. You can't not do it. You can't do it. No, you can't do it. No, you can't do it. What are you guys? Gay?

What are you talking about? I mean, it's just too good. Are you a glutton for punishment? Are you out of your mind? I'm dating her. Are you nuts, dude? It's my stepdaughter. Do you know how creepy that is?

What's creepy about that? Sneaking to look at the woman that you're dating's daughter naked? Woody Allen did this, but minus OnlyFans. Well, his was a little different. He was more of a father figure to her. Sure. He married her, though. Made an honest woman out of her.

I think he's still with her. Good point. But she's pretty hot. I think he's still with her. Good point. But she's pretty hot. She is attractive. She's very hot. I mean, Angelina Jolie and, like, you know, they're on their second go. Ben Affleck. Yeah.

And Young Fi and Woody are still together. What's her name? Sung Fi? Soo Yi. Soo Yi. But I have a question. Is everyone on fucking OnlyFans? Yes.

Oh, yeah. Because I hear about this all the time. Yes. And I've never done it I've never clicked on it or anything But it's amazing There's another thing on the internet called porn I've never even heard of it

I know what it is I have no idea what it is I'm serious There's enough porn on the internet That if I need a look I can look It's fine Dude you could get off tour If you put pictures of your feet up there

My feet? No I don't think so You're never going to stick a regular porn And you want to see Carrie Fian's feet It's five. Dude, you could get off tour if you put pictures of your feet up there. My feet? No, I don't think so. You ever get sick of regular porn and you want to see Carrie Fian's feet? It's five bucks a month. I've seen her in a flip-flop. I'm good. Yeah, I don't want it. She's got like 20 grand a month or something.

Oh, she's killing it. She's killing it. But, you know, it's just weird. But I read this article, and it was like she was complaining, like, yeah, my stepdad, she was like, we narrowed him down to six suspects. Like it's a fucking Knives Out or something. But we narrowed it down. And she goes, and I knew.

And it was him who watched me fuck my boyfriend for weeks on the Internet. And I'm like, I got a great idea for you. Maybe stop fucking your boyfriend on the Internet. That might be the solution. Stop putting it out there if you don't want creeps to watch. I mean, why are you turning away good paying customers? Yeah. I mean, dad paid.

I bet she kept the money, too. Yeah. She wasn't like, here you go, stepdad. I'd be upset if he pirated it. But she lives with him, dude. Yeah, but it's a stepdaughter. He's dating the mom. There's no blood.

You're going to look me in the eye all three and say, if you were living with, and you had this hot, the mom, the woman you were dating's daughter was this hot and she had an OnlyFans page, you're not going to take a peek. I promise. You're going to lie to me. Not only would I not do it, I would be so away from it that I would be disgusted by it. You have to put blinders on when she comes

in the room and knowing she's OnlyFans. Maybe look at her Instagram. Get a swimsuit. Oh, hey Mark, I'm going to take it a step further. She's private. Oh, all right. Well, there you go. Now I have to just peek at the bathroom. Are you taking a peek?

Because here's the deal. You're having breakfast with her in the morning. Like, you fucking, like. Peter, as you're opening her bedroom door, you're just peeking in. That's free. That's free. I didn't know any fans. No subscription there.

This ain't $5.99 a month. No pop-up blockers. You guys do know he's not related to either one of these girls. Yeah, yeah, but he's dating the mom. We're not. This is not an incest thing we're judging for. We're saying, like, you're fucking the mom. Maybe don't try to fuck the daughter, too.

This isn't the movie of your life, bro. Why, though? Why? What are you guys, the fucking Pope or something? Like, why? The Pope? Yeah. Because you don't fuck your girlfriend's daughter.

Unless she's good. But you didn't fuck your girlfriend's daughter. Unless she's... Well, you didn't fuck her. You see, you're saying he fucked her. You didn't fuck her. Well, you don't desire... Okay. Yeah, dude, it's a bad look. To desire her in your head is different than subscribing to pictures of her fucking another

What would be the difference if he jerked off to her in the shower? Wait, wait. Does he watch her in the shower? No. But she's not... But she... What, jerks off to her in the shower in his mind? Yeah, it's just in his mind.

That's fine. It's very different. That's fine. She's advertising it. She wants people to pay. No, but there's no evidence. Watching her in the shower would be like...

She doesn't want people to watch her in the shower. This is how you know that OnlyFans is not admirable at all. I'm sorry to say if you're on it, but because if I had a stepmom

who bought my comedy album, I'd be like, thanks. I wouldn't be like, you're fucking weird. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's a good point. My other thing is, don't put this shit out there if it bothers you who's watching. That's my point. I agree with that.

But my other thing is, also, don't fuck, don't date a woman and then, at least publicly, jerk off to the daughter. If you're least publicly jerk off to the daughter. If you're going to jerk off to the daughter in your head, no one can stop you from your imagination. And nobody knows that. Don't do it unless you want to think about something unbelievably hot. I think you wait for him to break up with the lady, then do it once you're broken up.

This is too weird because you're in the home. He's in the house with him. That's the weird part. Look, he's in the crib. I know you guys are lying. No. We're not. I'm really not. I've in the crib, dude. I know you guys are lying. No. We're not. I'm really not. I've been farting all night. I got nothing to hide here. No, we're not. We're admitting she's

very hot. Let's see what the mom looks like. Can we see what the mom looks like? Oh, pull up the mom. If the mom's all jacked up, she's probably just with the mom to jack off to her. By the way, this is a big difference than giving a girl like, hey, would you like $2,000? I want to give you. Or it girl like, hey, would you like $2,000? I want to give you, or it's like,

hey, I gave you $2,000 jacking off to you. It's a big difference. Big difference. Either way though, $2,000 is still in your pocket. True. I mean,

I know I sound like her attorney because I kind of- Unless he's a super supportive stepfather. I mean, he could be great in every other way. That's true. I'm curious what the mom looks like too though. Yeah,

we got to find out what the mom looks like. It could be a pillar of society. Isn't the mom on the right? Isn't that, that's not her. No, no, that's her in a different hairdo. Oh's true. I'm curious what the mom looks like, too, though. Yeah, we've got to find out what the mom looks like. It could be a pillar of society. Isn't the mom on the right? Isn't that? That's not her. No, no, that's her in a different hairdo. Oh, okay. Oh, is that the family?

I don't know. Oh, okay. Oh, I wish. The guy's got his arm around the neck. Yeah. What an unromantic reason. Like, you have to tell your friends, like, why'd you call off the wedding? He was jerking off to my daughter.

Yeah. But he was paying for it. But do we know for a fact that he was jacking off to her? What if he was just monitoring her to make sure she wasn't doing anything crazy? I think he would have written a check. You think so?

Yeah, I think if he was just into supporting her, you just give the money, you don't privately... That's what I would have said. I'm just monitoring it. He's a cyber guardian. Yeah, I just want to make sure

you're not doing anything too crazy. He's got to get into college. I'm just monitoring it. He's your cyber guardian. Yeah, I just want to make sure you're not doing anything too crazy. He's got to get into college. I would have made you lie to the mother. I would have been like, look, I was going to tell you. I was doing a secret investigation. Yeah. I was watching her for you. And yes, I mean, attractive woman, but I don't think you date someone and then pay to jerk off to the daughter.

Yes, you do it for free while she's changing. You don't pay for it unless she's got an OnlyFans. I guess so. And then you do it. At least make a fake account. This guy was going right out of his bank account. Dude, that gross thing on the right, I just can't get out of my head. Is there a way to get that off?

I mean, it's hard to be looking at this and then see that decrepit dick. I was confused. That's what a zip-dead your arm looks like after all the guilt. After the jerking. Wait, can we just see her on Insta? Let's see what we're dealing with here. Because maybe he could have just gone for free and looked at her old bikini pics. Dude, I'm buzzing my fucking balls off.

I'm not going to lie. I'm drunk right now. I'm not feeling a thing Like not Really? Not feeling a thing Well I had three Oh you had three

Yeah Oh that's different Yeah I'm sipping one He's ready for another one By the way Yeah I'll just do one more top off And then I gotta really call it too

Cause then it's gonna get weird Is it really not See it's not available Maybe that's the problem I guess you're right Private profile Dude this is the best podcast ever Yeah

Dude you get booze And fucking, you're watching fucking. Oh, and he broke out the log of Olin, too, because he said he drank. Oh, shit. You're going to get a DUI, baby. Oh, did you see that fucking, you know the way there's like these vigilante going against pedophiles? Like they find you. Oh, yeah.

They find you in like a Target. And they're just like, dude, you came here to meet like a 15-year-old boy? Dude, this guy, did you see the one where the guy was in a parking lot in Denver? And he goes, call your wife right now. Call your wife and tell her what you did, dude. And the guy was married to her for like 40 years. And he just goes, and he goes, no, tell her. And he goes, hey, babe.

And she goes, hey. And they were married forever. And he goes, go tell him what you did. And he just goes, I was here picking up a 14-year-old boy. And she just goes, dude and she just goes what? and he goes no tell her it was the fucking it was actually one of the hardest things to watch

a guy's whole life and the confusion of his wife know that everything that they built together was fucking over it was fucking brutal he goes no tell him and he just goes I'm here in Denver meeting with a 14 year old boy and he goes tell him why and he goes tell him for sex and he goes no tell me he just goes i'm here in denver me meeting with a 14 year old boy he goes tell him why and he goes tell him for sex and he goes for sex and she's just like what are you kidding me oh it was fucked up man that guy makes the only fans guy look like a prince

yes yeah that's the thing it's it's all it's a spectrum yeah i guess so that guy is on the spectrum you should you should not fuck kids. Yeah. That's a bad decision. No, fucking kids is bad. Yeah. It's crazy that there's people out there that do it. I'm just looking at pictures.

I feel like I know this girl's whole life now. Matt's just been pulling up pictures of her nonstop the whole podcast. We can't get one gander at the mom, huh? Nah, she'll be on OnlyFans soon, I bet. OnlyFans is a crazy invention. I'm just saying, I put myself in that position. Like, if I'm dating a mom with a kid, we're grown up, I'm in my 60s. She's 25. I'm not there for a second marriage.

I'm there to get my rocks off. I'm jerking off to everybody. Yeah. I'm jerking off to the daughter, daughter's friends, her. Jesus, Yanni. How many kids do you have? This is a dark one, right? How is he the drunk one right now?

What the hell? I mean, I'm not drunk. I'm jerking off to the kids. I'm jerking off to the friends. I'm jerking off to everybody. Everybody's adults. Grown adult, parents. Yanni says next marriage, miss, I'm not here for you.

I'm here to get my rocks off, all right? I'm here for a good time what's your daughter's account I mean it's a fascinating case it's very a complex case because she's putting the shit out there yes and he's looking at it

and she's attractive it is a tough spot but you know if you live with the lady you gotta wait until you're broken up it's been a very long time man thank you

this is a paper plain margarita. Can you tell us the ingredients breakdown? Because I think people are going to want to make this. I wish he was my stepdad. It's two ounces Blanco tequila, about three quarter ounce Aperol, and lemon juice, and a little bit of triple sec. Nice.

Get one. We'll go smoke a stick. I got a car. Yeah, me too. He's driving. But I'm in town for a while. You doing spots tonight? No, I'm doing more pods later.

What else you got, Paul? Me and Bobby Kelly are doing. Oh, man, you're going to ruin that one. You're going to be throwing out the N-word. It's going to be wild. Bobby Kelly drunk. That's so funny. I'm not here for you.

I'm here to get my rocks off. Get my rocks off. It's been a killer ep, though. I mean, it's been a classic. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's been a good time. Did we finish the news? Yeah.

Okay, great. Just checking. I might get on OnlyFans. We're done? We just got a drink. Oh, you got a... Well, we might as well finish off the drink. Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry. Do you guys have any recs or pet peeves? Anyone? Like, sometimes we do recommendations on this podcast, and it will be something that Mark's Let's go a little longer. I'm sorry. Do you guys have any recs or pet peeves? Anyone? Sometimes we do recommendations on this podcast, and it will be something that Mark's recommended. We rec movies sometimes, a book, whatever. Mark has recommended taking a walk. I think it's a great fucking rec, actually.

It's a great walk. You know what I just say? I'm getting into jury duty. You guys watching this? Is it good? It's great. I hear it's amazing. What do you mean? Sorry?

Is this OnlyFans? That's her mom? What is this? Is that the mom? No. Oh, jeez. Was that her? I want to see what she's posting.

No, that was a different picture. That's her, though, right? Yeah. Let's see the video. I want to see what they're posting. This video is my wreck. First day trying a new active wear. Oh, that's her.

She's blonde in this one. All right. She's, like, that's her. She's blonde in this one. All right. She's like well into her 20s. Yeah. Yeah. She could be 30. Oh.

How is this content? I don't get how people post. Certain shit I don't get what you're posting. You know what it is? You get to know them. So you're like, now I know this girl

who's getting naked. I don't know. It's become like just mind-numbing stuff. It's truly mind-numbing. We're getting dumber. I feel dumber after watching that. It's really the lowest right now. The fact that some of these TikTok, when you see some of these TikTok videos that got 14 million and you see what it is, you're going like 14 million people took the time to watch that shit?

My favorite of the crowd work videos where the audience is funnier than the comic yeah you know everyone's just throwing them up now yeah it's pathetic content is the bar is getting so low yeah where are you from florida yeah florida you guys together uh we're just friends oh he wants to fuck you dates dates come down yeah um this is brilliant stuff the thing is it's a like all bubbles it'll burst because all the a lot of those people will get some people to come out and see them and they'll be a little disappointed short money and so what do we have another year of this podcast i mean how long i mean look i'll keep doing it but i'm just saying like how long does the is the podcast bubble gonna burst? I can't believe people listen to this. And I love

shopping up with Mark every week, but I'm blown away. People listen. People listen. They need content. Some of them will go away. But the good ones, the funny guys, people always tune in to you two guys, no matter what you do, because you're, like, incredible comics. So whether you're sitting with

I was literally just showing a girl i'm dating uh mauricia the other day and she was laughing her ass off i was like this is one of my i was like let me show you one of my favorite things and it was yannis doing mauricia which is like i love that it's one of the oh it's so i think it's a brilliant character brilliant and also that the music video does it i mean it was like i mean that should be a fucking show you should have you should do a show as Mauricio. It's a little dicey now. I don't know, dude. I think go all in.

Fuck it. I do remember that that was the end. I think it was like 2012. I kind of remember. But dicey now, it's over. It's not dicey anymore. Yeah, it's over now. Yeah.

I think it's over. I also think it could be, you didn't do it in a mean way. You did it in a way where you're like, this is like a real human. It was a character. You did it in a way where you're like this is like a real human. It was a character. You did it. You did it as like a three-dimensional character. Yeah. And I remember watching you do it live and laughing my ass off.

And the crowd ate it up. And they were like – it was like a diverse, cool crowd. Killed. You got to be a real asshole to get mad at that character. Yeah. That character is – Nobody really has. No.

No. I was at a wedding and they were like, these old Greeks were like Topanos. Yeah, it's a comedy character. It's just, hey, we're trying to get out here making you laugh. Yeah. Getting mad at that. But that's why I'm kind of like, man, that's like a sitcom. Like, that's like, I mean, you

and Serge and Yamanika, I mean, that's like a... It was great. But you know, I think that era's kind of over anyway. It's just like, hey, make's like a... It was great. But you know that, I think that era's kind of over anyway. It's just like, hey, make videos. It's the same thing. But you could. Yeah, yeah. You could make that into something.

Yeah, yeah. You could. I totally could be a character. I could be in sitcom. A lot of things could. But I just don't know if anyone's watching sitcoms anymore. Nah.

Yeah, but you could make your own web show is my point. Absolutely. I mean, there's other shit you could do. And Mark Jersitty's watching a show. I mean, Jurgi Jurgi. People still watch it. It's just you got to jump through more hoops to make it. But you could still. And Mark Draciti's watching the show. I mean, people still watch it. It's just you got to jump through more hoops to make it.

But you could make something like that yourself, I think. Yeah. But I think what Giannis was saying, too, is that people are going to continue to watch content of people that they know when they go see are going to deliver, continue to be there, and are great at what they do. It's the people that have a podcast or do a TikTok thing and they blow up real quick and the crowd gets filled up in a theater and everyone goes, oh, my God. Yeah. And that's happening where people are going 15 minutes in. They're going. Everybody's like, oh, dude, I just kind of like their YouTube channel. We shouldn't have came to this. I'm never coming back. Well, here's that's what it is. I think where I think Hollywood is being short sighted.

This is my opinion. I'm probably right. Because it's just the thing about everything becomes trite when it becomes saturated, right? So screens are everywhere. So it's not special anymore to be on a screen, to watch someone on a screen. But going to see someone live is very special. I think that's why you're seeing such a boom in live. This is the biggest boom in the history

of humanity. There's never been more comedians or live performers. And there's nothing better than doing it for an hour and just having a great time live. And those people love it. It used to be watching a TV show would be special because you're watching something on a screen. So you're like, how did you get on there?

It's so few people on a screen. Great point. But now it's like the rare thing is to see someone live and have it be an amazing show. Isn't that weird? Seeing live entertainment I feel like a hundred years ago was a thrill. We've come full circle. Exactly. And then

you're like, the moving pictures. It's the movies. And now it's, you're right, it's completely back to where it was. Because it's become it's trite. It's like, you can watch anything on a screen. You can watch someone queefing on a screen. You can watch your stepdaughter fucking her boyfriend on a screen. And anybody can upload to to youtube and anybody it's so commonplace but not

everyone could go and kill and make an audience go crazy for an hour and so eventually that'll be the thing that your tv show will be your life you'll see like a bunch of live game shows yeah are you garbage stand-ups like a live great show but then the special event by your logic will live get boring and then go back to something else absolutely okay but no i don't think a live performance that's good will never get boring well it'll become old it'll become like you know everything it does nothing goes forever it'll you know like broadway was hot for a while everything yeah like radio changes things i hope i hope that like some production companies get it together though because like i love movies i love i love movies

too i really do i love like good movies and movies that take risk and it's harder i think it's harder to make a movie that's risky like they'll always be there i just feel like but i feel like so many of the movies that are like getting made now are like superhero movies and like no that's yeah horror movies enough horror like superhero movies and like horror movies enough horror but yeah but at least horror can

they're coming at it with an original way sometimes I feel like the superhero shit is just and nothing is more sad than when you see the behind the scenes

of those Marvel movies and it's just all those huge A-list actors standing in front of green screens they're all just standing in like the same room looking up

it's fucking awful and some of them are fun but they've just made so many of them in front of green screens. I know. They're all just standing in like the same room and like looking up. It's fucking awesome. And some of them are fun, but they've just made so many of them. Yeah. You long for the days of like, Mark and I romanticized

like the late 60s, 70s period of film where we're like obsessed with like- Give me like a cuckoo's nest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Fuck yeah, dude. But where you're like, this is a fucking movie. Yeah. Where you feel something and I don't know. There's less of those. Air was enjoyable. I don't know if you saw Air.

I can't wait to see it. It feels like a movie. My older brother just texted me. He said it's incredible. It's really good. He said you got to watch it. And the fact that it's true. You know, some movies you're watching, you're like, this would never happen.

But it's true. So you're locked in because you're like, this really happened. That makes it more fun. I think people still watch stuff when it's amazing. well that but i think but that goes to what we're saying about comics like you know you've been doing com i've been doing comedy over 20 years you've been doing comedy over 20 how many years 16 how many years around that yeah yeah so it's like once when somebody is just doing spots for years yeah and has been to those rooms yannis was saying where you're in somebody's living room but you're also at the cellar you're also done theaters you've also done when you do that

for a long time that's going to just be a better show than somebody that's not so that was going to get phased out for sure that's just going to get phased out it's so fun because i see these young comics running around like you do the roads you have some host open for you and he's like 22 he's green he's like this guy's got eight million views he's got 40 000 followers and you're like but they are they're all bad and they can't see the the forest from the trees they're like he's got 100 million followers what the hell but i'm like he's got no act right it comes back to the act you gotta be able to kill you gotta be good when you focus so much on building the brand yeah you're neglecting yes you know and that's not i'm not calling this an art

settle down i'm not like trying to sound pretentious with this shit i know we're clowns as we said before traveling calm down but like you know uh there is you neglect this and you focus on the other aspects of it and look it's two different businesses that's right it's fun in the moment it's fun and it's great to build this and and it makes it easier when people come out to see you but man you really gotta mark and i talk this about this to death is like the more shit you do to promote this to sell tickets on the road the more you're taken away from what we did every day like mark and i is open micers meeting a a coffee shop and bouncing bits. And that was really the premise. That was the podcast.

That was like, we used to, like, get fucking coffee and just be like, is this funny? No. Is this funny? You know, I mean, we labored over jokes. And I miss that sometimes. I mean, there's still time. But I feel like we're losing time. No, phone calls used to be, hey, man, I wrote this joke about this.

And what do you think? And now it's going like, hey, man, if I do this, you think I could get like a thousand more followers? Yeah, exactly. It is fucked up, man. Will this go viral? Has this been done? Yeah, it's not the same. But that being said, this is good, what we're doing right here.

It's great. I'm enjoying this, and I think this is like, I think hopefully people enjoy this, and there's still ways to be creative. Sure. But I want to make shows. I want to do other stuff. It's not just like there's a lot you can do here, and I want to be creative in other ways, you know? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I think it's out there. It's possible. Yeah. Sometimes you just do it yourself. You can just do it yourself.

That's what you got to do now. Maybe just take your money and just make something. yourself. That's what you got to do now. Maybe just take your money and just make something. That's what I got to do. It's like we were saying with the industry. They take eight million years to get a meeting going. And we have notes. And the notes take two weeks. And you got to apply the notes.

That takes another two weeks. Just fucking make it. Yeah. Well, that's why they couldn't compete. Because they were doing that. And people were just putting stuff out on the internet. And then when the quality evened out with the technology coming down in price it was just over right because they they rely on so many so much bullshit to justify so many people's jobs that that's why they stretch it out

like somebody's got to be the guy who calls you then this guy's you know exactly it's like when elon came and slashed yeah they still ran you they still ran. You're like, what's going on? But you need that. I don't. You need people who have fake jobs because what are they going to do now? Well, no one's working now. Yeah. I mean, I'm scared.

You guys aren't scared about this? A little. Not for us. We're going to be fine. First of all, I don't know if we're going to be fine. We'll be okay. Comedy will always. Comedy is like the bar business.

People go there when they're feeling sad. And since life is shit, we'll always okay comedy will always comedy's like the bar business people go there when they're feeling sad and since life is shit we'll always be in business it's only two things that go up in crisis it's alcohol and entertainment by the way it's like the classic soprano thing the two things that are the recession proof the mafia and most forms of entertainment yeah i would think sylvia was saying that to tony but uh i don't know if i believe it with comedy because i i you know you never know what happens i mean with covid we lost so much and like thank god it came back but like you never you never man we survived yeah but what do you think what do you think what what do you think would happen in comedy where people i don't know context they can't robots don't do context yeah and they don't have the emotion we'll see i i don't know i i hey man i

don't want to be a pessimist here but who the fuck knows how smart this technology gets? How about they just stop the robots now? How about it just stops, dude? That's the weird thing. Well, technology, it never stops. It always wins. The horse and buggy's out, you know? But the weird thing is the head of Google was like, this is bad.

We got to shut this down. And you're like, you made the goddamn thing. And you kept the money. you cum guzzler. How about you give up your house? Yeah, exactly. The scary thing is they're all saying this is bad. No, but didn't the one robot go, like, to take over the human race? Didn't it say that?

They asked, like, what's your goal? And one of them was, like, to take over the human race. And they were like, all right, off button. Yeah, but now they can animate. It can draw. You can do legal work. It can make songs. Jeez, what is it, Matteo Lane? Yeah. It's really as talented as him. You can do legal work. It can make songs. Jeez, what is it?

Matteo Lane? Yeah. It's really as talented as him. It's Vaudeville. They can put Christian Walker in Fast and Furious movies for the rest of eternity. Paul Walker. Paul Walker. Yeah, Christian Walker.

Christian Walker is Herschel Walker's gay son who I love. It's the best. It's the best to hear right- wing talking points out of that left wing boys no immigration there's a comic i'm not gonna say who but he went on stage at the cellar last night he was like i'm gonna read an ai joke and i'm gonna read a joke that i did but i won't tell you which one is which and he read the he read the first one and i was like oh it was cute whatever kind of something then he read the second one and it killed and he was like thank god i wrote the second one and you're like all right we're still okay well it's like yana said the ai can't get the emotion of the story of the jokes like when

you you know when you bomb a joke and you go well that joke bombed and that gets a laugh ai won't be able to do that ai will be able to they won't be able to feel that like oh shit i'm bombing awareness and yeah to be able to yeah and they won't be like look at her tits and uh that guy won't shut the fuck up you know and the room's weird you know you make fun there's a chandelier in here i'm talking about my dick by the way ai's listening to this podcast they're like look at her tits killer punchline i'm bombing start to recognize will ai be able to scan tits i think of the movie Ex Machina all the time. Ah, great movie.

It's such an incredible movie. But like, oh, my God, that's like a terrifying glimpse of like, who knows? Maybe, right? Well, the scary thing is, yeah, context, that's what makes us human is context. Yes. That's where the soul lies in context. Yeah, AI can't discern the difference. And, you know, it's interesting that we don't never think about the difference and you know that's i it's interesting

that we don't never think about the fact that we've been conditioned by ai like we're being raised like these generations are being raised by algorithms oh yeah and then when you see people acting because people act like ai now they hear a word and they're like i'm offended you're like he didn't hear the context you're a robot that's interesting why are you acting like i do so many interviews where people are like, you're a robot. That's interesting. Why are you acting like a robot? I think about that all the time. Well, I was raised by one. I do so many interviews where people are like, are you worried about censorship in comedy? I say, I'm not worried about people being offended.

Right. I could give a fuck about that. I'm worried about algorithms hearing certain words, like the word Nazi. And I can be condemning Nazis in a joke, but they hear the word Nazi, so they just bury the joke. And I'm like, well, that's nuance right there yeah you're ignoring nuance so i worry about that in terms of like you know burying jokes but i don't worry about people being like that joke is offensive fuck

them who could give a fuck about them they weren't gonna they weren't gonna get the joke anyway right if they tuned out you don't feel it really live you don't really feel anything especially on the road yeah on the road you don't feel it but But yeah, I mean, people on the internet act like robots. Because there are people. They know what to expect. Yeah, they're real people. Live. The context is live. They're people. They get it. They see your expression. They know the context of we've gathered into this comedy club to hear

inappropriate things said in jest. They get sarcasm. They get irony. But, you know, not AI. What do you think it is? And your fans know you. They know me. Your fans are coming for you. That's not ever going to be. That's a huge head start. They know what to expect, yeah.

But what do you think it is about a joke that really gets under people's skin, where it's like an action movie or a rape scene or a murder? It's the truth. Is that what it is? It's the truth. Well, suicide is true. No, I disagree. No, it's not the truth.

I think it's that in the movie they've accepted that these are characters, and on stage they think this is you. I think that's what it is. I think the political divide and everything that the media does and separates people, when you say something up there, they automatically, I think they put you in that category, whichever aisle they think you're on. And I think that they're judging you on that, too. Well, I think the algorithm has done that done that too has increasingly made everyone extreme I think the algorithm where people are like literally weren't meant to see the joke well like you're like the people who meant to see the joke but then the random people are just going to open the door and be like I don't like that joke you weren't meant to see it yeah they're peeking it

I mean now everyone sees the joke yeah yeah well the people who get angry at it, that's content for them. They're content creators. But when we were talking before, we were talking before about the drag queens. And I said on this podcast, I go, why are they? I just want to know why they're in a school with an eight-year-old. Yeah. And now somebody could listen to that and go, oh, Verzi's a fucking. But no, you don't know my.

But that happens everywhere. You don't know how I really feel about everything. I'm just saying that type of thing, I could see it being confusing and don't understand why it's there. But now somebody listens to this going, fuck him. He's against fucking. And they put you in a box. And I'm in a box, right? They want to take you down.

They'll find something. They'll find a way. The only thing that protects you is that you're not famous enough. If you get famous enough, they'll find something. Because it's content for that person. Yes. That person. I remember hearing Colin Quinn say, if they if they want to cancel

you all they need is wi-fi yeah they'll they'll find a reason yeah they'll find something they'll take a clip here they'll they'll figure it out that's why it's good not to get famous you don't want to get too famous yeah you don't want to fly too close to the sun right you want to stay right but can we ever get to a point where we're getting where we're calling out these people who use our livelihood as content well i think isn't that evil yeah well i think people are sick of it i think it's like it's a boy i think it still works could you imagine there's levels there's levels like you want to cancel harvey i get it we're making alec baldwin jokes we're using his livelihood for

our comedy there's but he's already done i wouldn't do it if he wasn't done what do you mean like he already killed a lady yeah the lady's dead it's in the news by the way there was a story that he was like a dick to a server at the yeah and you're just and you're just like you murdered someone you can't be nice for like a year and a half you can't give us like a year and a half of being nice. Like Alec Baldwin shot a woman in the face or whatever he shot her. She was a mother and like a wife. And then like literally immediately he's like,

you're a nothing to a server. You're like, fuck you. You got to be nice for a year and a half at least. That should be his sentence. Like you got off and the judge should be like, you can't ever be rude to a waitress, a waiter. Well, Gillis admittedly said he's like, after I got nicer, I got way nicer after I got canceled. So that's kind of nice.

He got also a lot more famous as well. So that helped. But you know what? Shane got famous because he didn't get bitter. I mean, that was one of the beautiful things about Shane, I think, is that he could have that could have happened to him and he could become a huge dick but i think what happened was he was like i'm just gonna go all in on on my stuff yep and being funny and being funny and he was he was like nice in his comedy i thought i think there was like a humble like in like in a way yeah i talked to him about it and he's i was like dude look what you did you're

out there doing your thing now you're not he oh, thanks, man. It was about being silly and funny. He didn't get crazy. There was no malice and bitterness. Because you get guys that go far the other way. Yeah, exactly. And all of a sudden, they're fucking doing podcasts in the woods. I remember I talked to him after it happened. I said, I really hope you don't ever go that way.

And he goes, I won. I said, good. He's too smart. Yeah, but I – He's funny. He's talented. Funny guy. Some guys, they just go, oh, fuck you.

You did this to me? Well, now I'm going to go in the woods and do a podcast by a fucking bonfire. And they put their chips in the other way real big. Yeah. I got bad news for you. There's already a podcast called The Bonfire. So you're in big trouble. But here's the thing.

You can't ignore the fact that those things do backfire and make people more famous. What? Canceling? Yeah. I mean, it does put your name. It depends on the scenario. If you're huge, it takes you down. But if you're a little unknown. Yeah, but I think your actions after are a big part of it.

If it's over a joke, it could possibly inflate your ticket sales. But if it's over something behavioral, you're finished. Kind of finished. I mean, D'Elia's got two sold-out shows at the Beacon. Does he? Yes. After the last... Who does?

D'Elia. D'Elia. Oh, really? He's still doing a sold-out theater. Wait, did something... Whoa. I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow. Geez. I mean, his fans don't care. Now, listen, and it sounds like he did that. He sold out four shows at a middle school, too, which I thought was a little weird, but... Here's what you call Black Friday shopper. He shows up a little too early to the store. You're like, hey, guy, it's not open yet.

Interesting. Whoa. But it's just still people. Well, the Bud Light lady, whatever, Dylan Mulvaney. Yeah. Huge. Very nice of you to call the lady. Oh.

Well done. Is it still Dylan? Dilliana. No, you never know. think dylan could go either yeah okay but yeah huge yeah i mean but dillia's yeah you can't get worse than that and he it's still sold out theaters two of them speaking you know and then all the other ones i think his whole fucking schedule is sold out so wow yeah the problem with this stuff is i think they go too far you know it's like some people deserve some people deserve to have consequence culture take them down but why were the rolling

stone article on them and it was pretty uh it was rough it's pretty troubling it's rough yeah yeah so it's a troubling but i think when you try to cancel everybody you kind of you numb people too yes yes or the cry wolf And so that's when you do anything too much. We do it with racist, Nazi. Louis and Aziz got swept in with that fucking Weinstein and Cosby thing and they shouldn't have.

Aziz lost that show. I remember CNN did a thing where it was like people who have been canceled this year and it was Cosby, Weinstein, and Shane Gillis. And I was like, this is like an sat question which one doesn't belong right that's horrible it's just so fucking unfair that's so ridiculous horrible it's a one-size-fits-all kind of nation system yes it's like this is ludicrous this is completely crazy and i want to talk out of turn here but i will be honest like i'm speaking as a dad with a daughter but i'll be honest like asking a woman

if you can take your dick out is kind of the nicest way to take your dick out. Is it kind of the way you look at it? Literally Swedish law. Yeah. Hey, ma'am, do you mind if I take my dick out? I never ask. As long as it's a wife and not their stepdaughter. I think it's one of the funniest questions ever.

Do you mind if I take my dick out? It's the funniest question a man can ask. As a father who will one day have a daughter who will grow up, I can only hope that a guy would say, do you mind if I take my dick out? Right. It's a very polite thing to do because usually I just take it out. Yeah. Right?

Yeah, yeah, that's true. That was my old way. I kind of liked when the woman was like, do you mind taking a dick out? Yeah, that's kind of hot. That was a better way, but. I just sign up for their daughter's OnlyFans. That's my thing. But, yeah.

Yeah, it's all topsy-turvy and it's tough. And it's weird what's controversial. Like, just that statement is controversial. Yeah. And you're like, but isn't that kind of normal talk? I don't know. Well, I think it'd be funny. So I don't know what he did.

I mean, I wasn't in the room. Right. I don't know. He's a great cop. Well, you know what? I talked to like old timers who said that was the way. Like I talked to dudes that were like back in like the day, you would be on a date and you would like, if you pulled pulled it out it was like the fucking

I don't know about that in the restaurant no no no no I'm saying what you said back in the day it was like hey what are we doing with this I gotta be honest with you and I'm serious I could not for me I was always had to be like the she had to be the

aggressor I was always afraid I was like that too but you still can't deny the fact that nobody asked. I still didn't ask. It was just like I took it out. We were like, she got undressed. I took it out. Yeah, but I think there's... Well, that's different.

If she's getting undressed, you take your dick out. But there's a read in the room. Right? Yeah, you got to read the room. You got to know the feeling's right to do that. I've never taken out when a woman that's 100 right but i also never politely asked which is very nice yeah for me they asked me to take it out and then i do and then they're mad yeah they're like oh yeah that that's it jesus you

have to be queefing all night nothing was worse than his eases yeah but i tell you the only reason he got in trouble was he was wearing the fucking Me Too pins that's what got him don't he was what he gotta be quiet he was wearing the Me Too pins

at the Oscars and shit it's like look if you like to fish hook it was the very beginning it was also the very beginning of it it was a very but it fucked him up

like he said he no I remember he looked for ways to kill himself and all that it's brutal he lost that show that show was great

no it came back it was a master of none no but he got kicked off the show. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he was removed from the show because he fish hooked a girl. And that's what kills me is it's all about,

now it's about compassion and being not, like if you call a gay guy a homo, you'll get crucified. But like, how is that, what they did to Aziz not inconsiderate

and immoral and mean? Yeah. That's a different kind of mean. I think there's, I think nuance and there's layers to this shit and i think he was kind of made an example of i think i think it's but that's not nice i mean it's cruel i'm not saying it's i'm not at all saying it's okay i think it was like the beginning of a lot of penta banger and and none of this has been dealt with and i mean i think aziz was dealt with before harvey weinstein which i'm like i mean i might be fucking up the timeline here but like maybe we deal with the predator first i don't know no aziz was the worst one because nobody read that article and thought

he was wrong not one person read that article and was like well it wasn't on a real article it was on babe.net i know but it still got him canceled from the show, which is crazy. It still messed up his career. It still was. He's back. His parents had to know what he likes to do. It's like that girl did a messed up thing. That's a wrong thing she did. I think this works both ways, though. I completely agree with you.

The Aziz thing was insanely fucked up. But then rape laws are insanely fucked up. The fact that try getting an order of protection in certain States when a dude has actually tried prosecuting a dude has actually raped you. It's insanely hard. So I agree with you, but I think, I think it works both ways.

I mean, yeah, I didn't think this was going to get this heavy, but we're two and a half hours into a podcast. I've been drinking heavily. Nowhere to go, but I kind of like it. I think,

I think it works both ways as well. And I think as I agree with you, as he's got fucked, but this. I kind of like it. I think it works both ways. And I think, as I agree with you, Aziz got fucked. But, like, it is insanely hard, you know, prosecuting rape. Yes, yes. No one believes you. Even the cops are like, what were you wearing? There's a lot of that. Especially the 80s.

It was insane. The 90s were insane. It's very bad. There's definitely an overcorrection. But as long as we can realize it's an overcorrection that's what we got to do now we should be i think the guy who gets correct i think all i'm saying is this is gonna sound preachy but like get just as angry as the dudes who are maybe still touring and selling out two shows of the beacon i'm very angry at that you know you know who is going to that show, ironically? Who? Ladies. Well, I'm opening.

That's not a neat and clean world. It's the same thing. It's like when women yell at us about the WNBA. It's like, ladies, we're not watching either way. And guess what? I watch more WNBA than you do, bitch. Exactly. I love Breonna Stewart.

Liberty or Stack this year. Let's fucking go. I mean, that's where I draw the line. That's where I draw the line. That's where I draw the line. But let's plug some dates. Where are you guys going to be coming up? When does this come? When does this come? Let's put this out before the one we just did.

2028, I bet. Because this has been a banger. June 11th. So, yeah, Paul, where are you going to be? Oh, June 11th. Oh, June 11th. I'm going to be at SideSplitters. Hell yeah.

One of my favorite ones. I'm going to be at SideSplitters June 15th to the 17th. Check me out. Then the next two in June I'm going to be Houston Improv and Dallas Improv. All dates at paulverzi.com. Is that three podcasts? Can I plug those? Plug them.

Plug more. Plug everything. I got the Verzi Effect podcast, which is now in studio doing great. I got Bone to Pick podcast with Bobby Kelly. Anything Better with Bill Burr. And Nocturnal Admissions is on Netflix right now. You guys can check that out, man. Thank you guys so much for having me.

Support both these guys. Great comics. Great dudes. Go see them on the road. Watch all their stuff. Yeah. Nobody's listening probably still by now. But just go to my website.

They are. They're definitely listening. I've got loads of dates. The next one I'll be at is the Wilbur in Boston. Please help me sell the rest of those tickets. One of the best clubs. One of the best theaters in the country. Easily.

Easily. And then the Paramount in Long Island, August 17th. Nice. And then a bunch of other dates. I saw Wise Guys there, too, which is one of my favorites. Yeah, I love Wise Guys. Blue Room's great. That's a great.

Calgary's killer. Don't sleep on Calgary. Dude, Wise Guys Utah might be one of my favorites ever great toronto you got there red bank the vocal these are great rooms oh i love the google oh come san francisco sony hall new york just go to yannis pappas comedy.com in my podcast the yannis pappas hour hell yeah where you at sammy uh you know denver santa fe san antonio Houston. We just added a bunch of shit. We got Montreal coming, Providence, Northampton, Massachusetts, Burlington, Vermont. Oh, no, not Syracuse.

We didn't do that. We're doing Albany instead. I like my life. So I decided to make that change. Toronto, all over. Phoenix, we just added. You know, a lot of California dates. Cincinnati, Columbus, Indianapolis. So much good stuff coming up. all over phoenix we just added uh you know a lot of california dates cincinnati columbus indianapolis

so much good stuff coming up buy bodega cat whiskey at bodega cat whiskey.com norman what's going on dude i'll be in australia for a little more time come out and say hello we're selling like hot cakes out there and then i'm coming back to do an american tour milwaukee des moines los angeles new orleans alabama mississippi louisville san diego cincinnati springfield chesterfield missouri hershey pa dc oklahoma dallas portland maine providence you name it get some bodega cat get some shirts we got a rick and morty over there i love this one this one made me happy I just saw this before the show check out our specials July 25th for Netflix we got

Mom Love check out my specials online Mom Love thank you Nocturnal Admissions Netflix hell yeah these are two real deal comics support them check them out on the road watch their shit thank you guys we don't have people on the show we don't respect that time.

I appreciate you. Yeah. I mean, classic episode. This is like, what, three hours? How long was this? Three? No. 220.

All right. All right. I felt like three. What's the record? Where are you going to be, Danny? Beer Jew? I'm still at St. Les in Midtown and Good Room in Greenpoint. So come out.

I'll make you a drink. Hey, you heard it here first, folks. We'll see you in hell and support Aziz. We'll see you at the Beacon. We'll see you at the Beacon. Sunday's the day for my next bender. A bit of Pivorec, you know the beer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon.

And Norman's talking shit about the fucking poke And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way. We might be true.