We Might Be Drunk - Ep 134: Bobby Lee

Episode Date: July 3, 2023

If you have a connect in New York for liquor sales, email us [e-mail] or [e-mail] Bobby Lee joins We Might Be Drunk this week. We learn why he hated Sam before he met him. Why Bobby is a thing, how he got his start on MadTV and why he still loves Khalyla. Put the pressure on Bobby, Santino, Mark and Sam to do a tour of We Might Be Bad Friends! Support the show & get 20% off and; free shipping at https://www.SheathUnderwear.com promo code DRUNK Support the show and; get 50% off your first Factor Meals box at https://www.factormeals.com/DRUNK50 promo code DRUNK50 Catch Mark Normand on tour: MarkNormandComedy.com Catch Sam Morril on the road near you: SamMorril.com/Shows Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/

brought to you by sheath underwear summer's coming and that means sweaty dick season sam might be wearing them right now look at that what's a better promo than that if you're tired of your dick getting stuck to your balls and your balls getting stuck to your leg it's sheath underwear two pouches one for your dong one for your sack nothing sticks together so you stay cool and comfortable all summer long oh i didn't even have to look, and I'm wearing it too. Oh, my God. One for your sack and one for your mistress. Yeah. Sheath was created by U.S. Army soldier Robert Patton. Not only did he make an awesome product, but he can support a veteran-owned company

and a podcast at the same time. For our ladies in the audience, check out Sheath's sports bras, bikini briefs, and boys' shorts. They have tons of cool patterns. You got Dylan Mulvaney sporting them. It's great. So you can have tons of cool patterns and ready for any occasion. Go to SheathUnderwear.com and use promo code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order.

That's Sheath's 100% money-back guarantee. SheathUnderwear.com, promo DRUNK. SheathUnderwear.com, code DR SheathUnderwear.com code drunk for 20% off your first order. Go to SheathUnderwear and let them support your balls. The best. The best. We might be drunk family. We're having some issues getting Bodega Cat whiskey available here in New York.

We need some distribution help. If you know anyone that could help, try khart at houstonwhiskeysocial.com or we might be drunk. Pod. Pod at gmail.com. Email either of those. If you have any hookups to New York distribution, we're having a real pain in the ass here,

and so many people want to sell this shit. Yes, we're drunk right now. It's a great rye. People want it. We're trying to get into the bars here, the comedy clubs, you name it. Let's make some money. Call us. Let's make some money.

Email us. Let's figure it out. Help us out. Bodega Cat Whiskey. Let's make this happen. Everyone's loving it. Yeah. And now enjoy a great episode with Bobby Lee.

Cheers. Hey, hey, folks. We might be drunk. Here we are. Happy Fourth of July. American's holiday. A great day. And we're here with the most American we know, the kooky Korean, Bobby Lee.

I'm a kookster, dude. And we have a special treat for Fourth of July. Oh, do we? We're going to pull that out immediately, huh? Yeah. All right. Here it comes. What do we have here? pull that out immediately huh yeah all right here it comes what do we have here vegetarian korean hot dog whoa did you replace the k with the g you wanted

to say g but you put k in there i'm not korean hot dogs well this is a good combo of america but also our lovely guests looks like your dick look it's all bloody and warts wow what's the you know i don't eat korean hot dogs i like chicago dogs but i'll try it what's the red stuff Oh, it looks like your dick. Look, it's all bloody and warts. Wow. You know, I don't eat Korean hot dogs. I like Chicago dogs, but I'll try it. What's the red stuff? Ah, that's the blood of the Southerners. I don't know. You guys.

This looks disgusting. Yeah. Do I have to eat it later? This is awful. I could eat a Kim Jong-il. I want to eat it later. I would rather eat a hot dog. Yeah, I don't know what that is.

This is disgusting. What is this? This is a hot dog. Yeah, I don't know what that is. This is disgusting. What is this? It's fried, huh? Yeah, it looks fried. There's probably a wiener in there. I think it was potatoes. Let me try it. Yeah, there you go.

What do you think? Is it good? No. Okay. That was $48 on Uber Eats. That's fun for the first gag. Terrible. Yo, so you guys, I want to say something.

Uh-oh. What? No, sorry. So I showed you my penis. Yeah. We have that. And I have little bumps on it, but they're not STDs or anything. They look like razor bumps to me.

I'm not a doctor. I do shave my shit. Yeah, you're fine. Yeah, fine, good. With a razor? Yeah, I do a razor, yeah. What? Yeah, yeah.

You don't go electric? No, I do a razor. What? You don't go electric? No, I do razor. Old school. Damn. I like the cuts. Do you use a samurai sword? You know what I mean? It's like going through a war kind of a vibe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Otherwise they get all long and curly and weird. That's not anti-Semitic. Do you see how purple my penis is too? Do you like it? It is purple. It looks like it's suffocating. Yeah, it's like anti-Semitic. Do you see how purple my penis is, too? Do you like it? The colors? It is purple. It looks like it's suffocating.

Yeah, it's like Barney's. But you got a little Chinaman out there that plays the violin. Dory. Yeah, who is that guy? Dory is my old roommate, and he's a big fan of yours. So when I told him you're coming on, he said, can I come? I know. I said, come by.

I know. He goes, I play violin. I go, what? Yeah, I live with somebody. I play violin. Big bangers. What the fuck? By the way, he's from San Francisco. That's not how he talks.

That's what he sounds like to me. That's what he sounds like to me. You know what I mean? And then he starts going like, you know what I mean? I'm not Korean. He says, North Korean. Are you North Korean? What?

What? No, I'm not. Oh, yeah. Oh. He's cute and fresh. Look at him. Yeah, you are cute. Yeah, you're so cute, dude.

Dory the Explorer. Yeah. And he's playing bluegrass violin now. That's what you said? Wow. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nerd alert. Nerd alert.

Yay. Stop just getting Dory a virgin. I want to get a couple things off my chest real quick. Number one, I did text you, Sam. Ouch. And you didn't get me the things. It's fine. What did you ask for? I asked for

Red Bull and then two dips. I don't even think I got this. Let me see. No, I already got it. Which is fine. I'm totally over it. I'm sorry. We were rolling another podcast, buddy. I didn't check my phone. It's fine. And then there's two things about New York. I just don't fit in in the city, but I'm going to tell you why.

Number one, I bought socks earlier today. And then, look, these are the kind of socks. Oh, you got the toe dip. Yeah, but I'm going to tell you why. You do. Number one, I bought socks earlier today. And then, look, look. These are the kind of socks. Oh, you got the toe dip. Yeah. Like I'm a casual ninja. Ninja please. So that's how fucked up your city is. That's weird. I've never seen that. Yeah. Well, who bought one? Did you buy socks off a guy on the sidewalk? I went to

a fancy store. This was $50. What? Yeah, and I didn't even look at the toe thing. I just bought it, and I was like, and I put it on, and this is what the fuck had happened. Oh, that's50. What? Yeah, and I didn't even look at the toe thing. I just bought it and I was like, and I put it on and this is what the fuck happened. Oh, that's crazy. What store is this?

It was like some Japanese store. That's a new sock. Thank you. I just wanted to make sure. I had to make sure you bought it today. I like that.

I love you. And the second thing is that when I walk down the street, because I have a viral thing about me being molested by a guy with Down Syndrome. Oh, yeah. But normally people go, if if i'm anywhere else they go yeah oh you do

that fucking pocket you talk about the down syndrome but here in new york they go down syndrome and they just point at me and other people look at me like i have down syndrome and i have to do this weird downy wave and it's fucking weird so i don't have down syndrome people in new york okay ah okay okay well you know, the Korean with the down, it can... I don't know. This is going to be dangerous. It's hard. It can blend together.

That's all I'm saying. Yeah. Anyway. Nice little Asian fusion, we call it. Yeah, there you go. I mean, Shane Gillis is downy. Exactly. Right?

So whites can do it, too. Oh, for sure. Whites can have a downy... You have a downy vibe? What do you think about these Asians who do the surgery to look less Asian? My mom got it done. No. Really?

It's called Sankapul. Sankapul. Yeah, yeah. And you write Sankapul, right? And my mom looks like a shocked Mexican now. She's like, what? She looks like ice walked in. Oh, yeah.

Oh, no. Why? I'll never get it done. But the Asian eye is a thing of beauty. I mean, whatever you want to call it. One of my Cyclops. One eye. Asian eye.

Trying to keep it clean. The Asian eyes, you know. That's your signature. Yeah, it's my signature. And also, I just like it. Yeah. I don't see as much as you. True.

Like, see this right here? I can't see them. Wow. That's how we got you. Look, I can't see. In as you. True. See this right here? I can't see them. Wow. That's how we got you. Look, look, I can't see. In the jungle, we got you. But everything's like, you know, me in like Letterboxd, like a movie. It's so cool, dude.

It's not like your TV box. It's Letterboxd. Mine's like a Criterion Collection movie. Criterion. That's for you. Thank you so much. That's delicious. That's a little mango lassie right there.

And then for you guys, we so much. That's a little mango lassi right there. Jeez. And then for you guys, we got the bloody babalimoda over here. Oh. A bloody what? It's a soju bloody merry with kimchi. This is like a meal. Soju, how do you like it? That's like the sitcom moment I have to go.

Dude, that thing looks like mango came in my mouth. Like a mango out of dick. That looks better than what we got. That looks fucking great. You want one? I got one for you. Oh, no, this is good. Whoa, that's interesting.

Kimchi. I don't want Bobby drinking just like fucking tomato juice and kimchi. Yeah, you're right. That's nice. That looks good. I got more. That'll be the second round. Don't worry. All, you're right. That's nice. That was good. I got more. That'll be the second round, no problem. All right.

Put some Red Bull in it. He's dying for a Red Bull. You drink Red Bull? Yeah, sugar-free, man. Why? Why? What's up? Are you on the Celsius kick?

Everyone's doing that now. What's Celsius? You don't know what Celsius is? It's like the new energy drink that people think is healthy and good for your metabolism. Is it not booze? No, it's an energy drink. Oh, okay. I don't know.

Could I just bring something else that I've never mentioned in front of you? And I want to make it uncomfortable because I love you so much. I love you too. You said my house. I love you. Sure, yeah. I love you too, man. Sure.

You've never fucked me over. I fucked you over? What time? What did I do? Oh, shit. You didn't fuck me over, but I was mad. You were mad at me? I was so mad. I didn't know you. Get over what time what did i do oh shit you didn't fuck me over but i was mad i just you were mad at me i was so i didn't know you get it out what i did so i'm gonna show you a photo wow oh this is fun i don't know what i did well you didn't really do much

and that's the problem so so do you know who this guy is? Yes. Yeah, right. Nice guy. So one time, before I met you, you were younger, and we were at the improv. Yeah. And I was supposed to go next, and you went into this guy because he was the promoter of the show. And you said to him, no, I'm going to go up before Bobby. And I remember getting in a fight with him. Whoa. Who is this guy bumping me? Like, I've never heard of this fucking jackass before.

He's a legend in L.A. And then Jeffrey was like, this guy was like, no, he's allowed. What? Like, he was like, a guy I've never fucking heard of. Right? It's not like he was Chappelle or some shit. What is this, last week? And he fucking bumped me, but then I was like, fuck that guy. Forever.

But now we're friends, and I didn't realize, yeah, but now we're good. You know what that was? I think what happened was, I had already gotten bumped by like three people. So you do remember that night? That makes sense. I remember, yeah. Was Leno there that night?

Yeah. Leno was there that night. Leno was there, yeah. I got bumped by like three people and I was like, I'm fucking leaving if I'm not. I already have issues with LA. Right. And I'm sorry the one time an LA guy showed me any fucking respect that hurt you, Bobby. Ooh.

Mark and I get zero respect in LA.A. guy showed me any fucking respect. That hurt you, Bobby. Mark and I get zero respect in L.A. Zero. You know, it's so funny you say that, too, because you're wrong. Really? Yeah, it's in your head. I'm going to tell you something right now. I can't get a spot at the store. That's ridiculous.

But it's true. It's not true. It is true. I'll tell you why it's not true. I had a meeting with Emily. Yeah, I like Emily. Right? And I go, listen, the New York comics, because when me and a bunch of L.A. comics come to New York, the seller opens their door and gives us spots.

Yeah. And the two of us are like family, right? Yeah. And I go, I want the same thing for the New York comics. She goes, they can call me any Sunday and I'll give them spots. Oh, really? Yeah. And you guys don't do it

because now you're like, oh, we have an audience. Because they've never said that to us. You can't just show up! Dude, I have to fucking... I'm sorry. Let it out, buddy. Let it out. I'm too hot. Let's just not say it through this, alright? You showed us your penis within 30 seconds of us seeing you.

So what I'm saying to you is this, okay? Is that you can't just show up and go i want to go up right now well we're not doing that we're not doing that if you could come in if you we know you're coming through right on a sunday like everyone else and you call and go i'm available these nights they will give you spots okay that's all i'm saying all right well who do i mean i go through my agent just This is rejected. Just text me. OK. I will text Emily and I will do it for you.

Wow. It's pretty complicated. It's not complicated. No, you're making it complicated. OK. Because the thing is, your butt's hurt. And I get it. Wow.

I get it, Sam, because you deserve it. You deserve any spot that you get. But, you know, there was a system in L.A. that was set a long time ago. Sure. Right. And, you know, things, you know, institutions, it system in L.A. that was set a long time ago. Sure. And, you know, institutions, it takes a while for them to change. Sure. Okay, Catholic Church.

Jesus Christ. Look, these things don't happen overnight. I'm sorry. We'll just move the priest to another parish. But they, you know, we're going to, you know, whatever you need, we'll make it happen. All right. You're the best. And I remember that night, and I apologize. I remember because Leno went on, then Eliza went on, and I had like an 8-10 spot, and

it turned into like a 9-something. And I was like, guys, come on. Okay, so I think that's what it was. That's what it was. I'm sorry. What year was this? It was a while ago. A long time ago.

You're really holding on to this, huh? Well, I remember, because I get bumped all the time. Yeah. You? Oh, yeah. Like Chris Rock will bump me. Chappelle. All these guys bump, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now there are people that started before me or after me that can bump me now, too, because they've risen. Like an Ali Wong can bump me now, which is fine, right? Same body. But when Sam Murill does it. I didn't know I was bumping you. Yeah it, before anyone knew who the fuck Sam Murill

was, it hurt. Sure. But, you know, I love you too. Yeah. You know, and everything's fine. Did you show your dick before him on the stage and you ruined his whole clothes? Enough bumps for the one evening here, guys. You know, I just got out of the, you know, but, you know, I get that off my chest, you know. just gotta you know but you know i get that off my chest you know i hear

you i hear you yeah you've been perfect though all right thanks mark's been perfect with me every time i have he's hit a home run all right when we did that birthday you wanted to do with me oh yeah that was respectful you know i mean well you know what that jeffrey baldinger that was the comic you showed yeah he. He's an old pal. But you guys, there was probably some Jew bond there. You know, he was trying to help out a fellow heath. It's a Jew thing. Yes.

I've never heard that people benefit from being Jewish in LA. I've never heard that. That's news to me. But if you say so. You hear that, Harvey? Is there anything I can do to change for you guys? No, you're perfect, dude. No.

Really? No, yeah. Tell Kalilah to stop calling me. Every night. Hey, what are you wearing? Yeah. You know, let me tell you something. There are comics, because we were together for 10 years, and there are comics on Raya

that match, like her. I've told you this before. Yeah, you told me. And we talked are comics on Raya that match like her. I've told you this before. Yeah, you told me. And we talked about it on your podcast in front of her. Yeah, so what do you do about this? Do you let that go or do you start wars? Well, I don't think you start an open war. But, I mean, look, you're mad at me over this bumping.

I say you at least hold a resentment against these people. Well, he waited 10 years for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, no, I think you go, hey, you messaged in. What are you doing? I think you confront casually. Right. But there's an actor that I really like.

Uh-oh. I'm a huge fan of him, and he's done my podcast a couple times. Oh. And he's kind of a big actor, right? Does his name rhyme with? Bleep that out. Is that it? You bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep that one.

Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you who it is. Yeah. All right. And then you bleep it out. You got to bleep it out. Is that it? You bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep that one. I'll tell you who it is. And then you bleep it out. You got to bleep it out. Who is it? You know what I mean? What? It's so funny. And then once I brought it up, because I said there's an actor,

and then he texted me every day, like, let's hang out. Let's go to the Lego store. He's playing both sides? Pull him up. I don't know. No, we can't. He said, well, I just want to see it sides pull him up i don't know no we can't he said i just want to see on the tv i want to put it you don't have to play it on the screen so he's got a guilty conscience is what you're saying maybe maybe damn yeah yeah let's hang out the

guy was trying to fuck your wife they always become friends they're in your house they drink your wine yeah yeah but one of the comics that did he texted me frantically and i believe him and he got him that fucking nerd yeah but check it out this is what it is you know the comics and actors we photo bomb on raya so we don't even look at the photo we just go yes yes because rarely do they match with you anyway so you just kind of bombard it with you know i mean it's it's like it's a numbers game yes yes you don't really look at what the profile photo... This is his excuse. Like, I just fucking keep, you know what I mean, going, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

This guy or the other person you're talking about? He didn't say that, but the other guy was talking about... That makes sense. So I could see that that happening, but it's like... And also, she's not going to fuck a comic. Yeah. If she does, it'll be war. Yeah.

Yeah. It'll be fucking war, dude. Does a part of you... You hear that, Matt'll be war. Yeah. Yeah. It'll be fucking war, dude. Does a part of you want her- You hear that, Matt Reif? All right, sorry. Stay out of those DMs with your eight pack. Well, if Reif did it, I would get it. Like, I would fuck a comic.

Okay, okay. Does a part of you want her to fuck a comic just so you can sever ties and be like, it's over? For sure. Or no? to fuck a comic just so you can sever ties and be like it's over for sure or no um well you know i here's the thing is is that i love pain yeah you do i love i do i love you know when i was a young guy i always put myself in unrequited love situations where i really loved somebody and they want nothing to do with me and i'll be in those things for years and i'll like drive by you know i'm not stalker but two in the morning it's not stalker stuff no like one girl named her name was rebecca

i used to um i'll just say her all day i don't care her name is rebecca i can't say her last name tomorrow anyway i would park outside she lived in pacific beach and this is when i was 19 20 years old i would park outside her apartment like 3 in the morning. Yeah. You know what's his name did in Taxi Driver? Martin Scorsese. You remember that? Travis Bickle.

And just start like fucking ranting. Yeah. And I would look at the silhouette of her body through the thing, but I wouldn't jerk off. So that's not weird. That's not weird. Is that weird? No. No, you were a fan.

Yeah, I'm a fan. Yeah, I know where she lived. You know what I mean? Yeah. But then there was a lot of painful things like that where I – then years later, I know where she lived. You know what I mean? But then there was a lot of painful things like that where I – then years later I would try to make a move and they would reject me. And I would cry in a forest. You know what I mean?

I would literally cry. You know what I mean? So I loved being in that painful spot. Interesting. But I don't do that anymore. Now you just have your relationship thing. Well, now I can just fuck. Oh, all right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, when you look like – when you're a little like me. Yeah. Sorry, when you're a little, you know, this little Korean guy, right? What's up, boy? You good? Hello, hello. You like to fuck.

Yeah. Right? Yeah, I've smelled your fingers. But this generation, you don't get the struggle. Because now I go to do shows, and I see, like, you know, a guy that looks like me with a hot white chick, and it's like a normal thing. Back in the day, it was a fucking miracle. It's a good point. You're a trailblazer like me with a hot white chick and it's like a normal thing back in the day it was a fucking miracle it's a good point you're a trailblazer i was a trailblazer when i got white post dude oh my god my dad would go oh good good good good good you know

maybe with applause you know i was like a king dude they made a statue of me in beijing yeah yeah i was like a king you know but when you do it it's like a normal thing so like you know i was a trailblazer i guess you know i mean when it comes to like but you're hooking up on the road yeah yeah thank you so much for saying that yeah he's cleaning it up i'm cleaning it up well i'm you know i'm not doing as good as like some people we know well of course of course but you know like if you and i went like viewers you're you know i know you're in love yes but if you were it you were single and we're both i bet you your numbers would be better than mine well it's a different ball game why well you're in love. Yes. But if you were single, I bet you your numbers would be better than mine. Well, that's a different ball game.

Why? Well, you're a fetish. That's true, I know, right? You're a thing. I'm a thing. You know what's great? I was waiting for what he was going to say with the wind-up, and it was even meaner than I thought it was going to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're right. I am a fetish, dude. Well, you know, you're a thing. I'm a thing, yeah. Like Brad Williams, he does well, too, or he did, but he's a thing. He's got the big head and the little body and the tiny legs. You're right. You're right.

He's a thing. He's a thing, yeah. My buddy is a normal-looking guy, but he lives in a van, so he's a van thing. So he gets laid because they're like, I'll fuck a guy in a van. How funny is that? Right. Women like a thing. Yeah don't what if i don't want to be a thing well it's too late it's too late it's like being a superhero with great power comes great response oh fuck i'm like spider yeah monkey or whatever spider monkey guys so um yeah i'm a i'm a fetish Yeah

But that's cool No You're right Because one time I did this And she goes We were laying in bed And she goes

You know My dad used to take me To Kung Fu festivals In the 70s And I go I don't know why She was telling me that I go

Alright She's like And I just I would watch These Kung Fu movies And I was strangely Attracted to them And now

I like Asian guys Oh wow There was always a root. There's a gateway. Yeah, yeah. They had a delicious bowl of ramen once. Or whatever. And they're like, oh, I like the culture, the flavors or whatever.

I had a Hello Kitty backpack when I was a kid and it just stuck. So I guess I am a thing, you know. Yeah, but nothing wrong with that. And no offense, but you're a little seasoned. So you're a little.. So you're a little... Just let that sink in. Let that sink in. That felt...

You're over 50. Oh, stop for a second. That's not an insult. Also, I'm seasoned. Yeah, you've been around the block. You know a thing or two. You're long in the tooth. You're over the hill.

You're not making it better. Yeah, you've seen a few winters. You're long in the tooth. You're over the hill. You're not making it better. Yeah. You've seen a few winters. You're lucky Mark didn't say been around the walk. Because it could have been worse. I mean, I know this guy. So what you're saying is that you view me as, and I want to know this. You've been around the brock.

Do you view me as an older guy then? I don't. But I think a lady likes an older guy. Whoa. Especially the younger gal. So now you've got fetish and hot, successful older guy. Right. Am I in the same boat as Rich Voss?

Well, he's married and... He's way older. And I think you're more successful. I don't think so. He's a legend. He's a legend. You've got to look at the whole picture. All right.

If you look at the whole career, he's way bigger than I am. Well, you both have fedoras. So that's weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah. He's 15 years older. So I'm now an elder statesman. But I think you have more of a sexy vibe.

He's kind of dad, married guy. He's out. Okay, okay. You've got the cool shirts. We were the Christmas party of the year. Rich Voss spin kicked the comedian we know who has a drinking problem and broke his ribs. No.

Yeah. Rich Voss did that? Yeah. For hitting on his daughter. Wow. He made a cut. He's a blackout drunk. He's a guy we're friendly with, but he's a bad drunk.

And he says to Rich, he's provoking him, he goes, I'm going to fuck your daughter. And Rich just spin kicks him, breaks his ribs. Put him in the hospital. Yeah. Wow. It's pretty cool. It must suck to get your ribs broken by a 65-year-old who wears Air Jordans. That's got to be rough.

Who sells CDs out of his trunk. That's a tough thing because it's like I know LA Comics and you know guys that are really addicted to drugs and alcohol. And they're super talented. And I just don't know how to like get through to them it's so sad you guys have that guys like that in new york where it's like if they just quit they'd be the biggest thing on planet earth totally but they just they just can't do it i've done everything i can but it's like you call and go you know i'm here if you want me to take you to a meeting or whatever and they just don't respond and it's just they're just go, you know, I'm here if you want me to take you to a meeting or whatever. And they just don't respond. And they're just dying before your eyes.

But on the flip side, how many comics have you seen get sober? A lot. So many sober comedians. Yeah, a lot. A lot. Like you, Nikki Glaser, Dan Soder, Joe List. I was at the cellar last night. It was like Quinn, Norton.

I'm like, these are all sober guys. All sober guys. Yeah, yeah. It's a thing now. And the Nework guys like you know voss norton kelly those are the guys that i because you know they have so much time they have a lot of time sober yeah and these are the guys i call like because you know i i go in and out when's the last time you did the last time it was like a year ago a year and a half ago yeah

yeah it went out it was fucking terrible but it's whenever I come back, it's those kind of guys that I call. You know what I mean? It's so nice to know that you have guys that, like, you know what I mean? You can call and go, I need help. What are we talking about? You can call us, too. I mean, we'll fucking, you know. We'll bring you guys with us.

We're all the holics. I know, but we can still chat. We can still listen, Bob. I know. I'm not calling you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, call when you relapse. How about that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm talking about you guys. Okay. Are they? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, wait a minute.apse. How about that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm talking about you guys. Okay. Are they? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So wait a minute. When you do relapse, what are we talking?

Are we talking booze? Are we talking Coke? Are we talking K, special K, fentanyl, uppers, downers, oxy, Percocet, Vicodin? No, I could have answered it like a minute ago. Oh, sorry. Yeah. What the fuck? No, I just drink and smoke weed. Heroin? I mean, i've done all those things in my life

like but you're sober i mean normally you're sober what do you mean i mean it's been a year and a half how do you yeah but i'm completely sober now but what's the rock bottom that gets you to stop for this long i think the internet have you seen youtube lately pretty hard what happens is i um i can't stop i just do it 24 hours a day and then the next thing you know it's like i my life just falls apart really quickly it says i can't help it it's like you start losing things immediately yeah and then you're like oh shit if i keep going i i'm lucky that i can see like a head so i'll just do the math like if I'm losing this stuff now, in six months, I'll lose all these things. In a year, pretty much everything.

So I just kind of – it scares me enough to go, you know, I'll nip it in the butt now. Not nip. That's a terrible word. It's a slippery slope. I love it. But yeah, I hear you. Yeah, so I can see further down the road. I love it. But yeah, I hear you. But yeah, so I can see, but further down the road.

And I wish more people could do that. I mean, go, if my behavior is doing this now, what happens three years from now? You know what I mean? Right. Yeah. You guys aren't alcoholics. Well, we like, we drink. I drank, I was in Australia. I drank every night for three weeks

and i'm i'm hurting oh you are yeah it sucks plus you lose the day you don't get to write you know you skip the gym you're hung over so it just has all these yeah i was on a tour bus for two weeks the last couple weeks and i yeah i drank every night i mean it's there it's in my rider alcohol is in my hand so it's like i have wine and whiskey in my rider. So yeah, I'm making Manhattans. I'm killing bottles of wine. You don't think it's a problem? Well, uh... I mean, how do you feel about it?

I'm not judging. I think... I would have more done. I'd be more productive if I didn't drink. Of course, yeah. You would be, right? As long as I look in the mirror, I'd be like, man, I'd be in way better shape. But what we do is we combine work with the booze.

So that's kind of one way to get a little loophole. Yeah. I mean, I think the guy that's kind of one way to a little loophole yeah i mean i think the guy that's sort of like blowing my mind is burke reicher yeah right because like he's like i i watch him and i go wow he's the first guy to party the way he does and still have an amazing fucking career yeah family usually and you lose your career and walk out on your family. And he's just like a dad who parties and makes movies. He's ruining other families

because they're going, no, I can do it. Bert Kreischer does it. And they're like, no, we're divorced. But he's an anomaly, dude. He is. Yeah, yeah.

I think the word machine is apt. Apt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Might be too positive a word for an alcoholic, but sure. But he pulls it off. No, he does. And he's Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he is that guy. Might be too positive a word for an alcoholic. For sure. But he pulls it off. No, he does.

And he's built the world around it. He's got the fully loaded. He's got the shirt off. He's got the movies. He's got the specials. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all booze based. But when you guys drink, though, I'm going to ask, because you guys are both into relationships.

Yeah. Yeah. Don't be scared. I'm scared, dude. Don't be scared, guy. No, I'm good. But is it hard? Because I can only imagine. I'm scared, dude. Don't be scared, buddy. No, I'm good. But is it hard? Because I can only imagine.

I couldn't do it sober. I don't know how you... The booze helps a relationship, I think. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, you know. On the road, I mean. She's not with you the whole time.

No. So when you're at a show, because you guys do theaters and shit, you guys have a lot of fans. Is it hard to, like, push women away? Well, I don't really go out. I used to go out with audience. Like, fuck it, let's go here to the bar. And you try to meet a gal.

But now I hit the show, and I go to a dive bar across town. Right, right. And I avoid them. Yeah, I'm with Gary Veeder. He's married and has two kids opening for me. And he's just like, we need to find a restaurant. And he'll find like, by the way, he thinks he's helping me. He's like, I found a great restaurant.

I'm like, oh, congrats. You found a fucking $40 an entree plate restaurant. This takes a lot of talent. Well done, Gary. And you're buying. Of course. Exactly. That's his talent is getting me to pay for everything.

Smart move on his part. So I'm usually, I'm with three other dudes on the road. And they're just and they're all in relationships so that's good smart so it's easy plus oh trying to get laid takes a lot of time no one wants to i don't want to spend that much time yeah getting to know people like i went that's when gay guys you're so jealous because they're just like you're hot you're hot glory hole or whatever they do yeah yeah yeah yeah but um let me ask you guys this um actually i don't know i'm bringing this up but um oh no i just i don't know how to say it oh boy is it

i'm talking to this girl yeah right now and she's in a deep relationship but i have feelings for her are you fucking my wife no no no, no. And we talk all night. You know what I mean? I don't think we have the same taste. Oh, right, right. No offense. Yeah. Well, what does that mean?

What do you mean? I don't know what she looks like, so I don't even know. You don't like wheelchair? What's your taste normally? You like a honky? What? You like a whitey? Honkies are fun.

Yeah. Honkies are fun. White women? What? White women? I've done them. You know a whitey? Hockey's are fun. Yeah. Hockey's are fun. White women? What? White women? I've done them. You know what I mean? But then I've also gone Asian.

I've gone Mexican. One person, and it's not, I've just, black women don't like me. Are you into black women? I love them. Yeah. Like, I'll go to porn, I'll jerk off to them, you know? Sure. Yeah, but they, what's so funny?

It's just a funny way to say it. Like, a group, they're like, do you like black women? I jack off to them, I'll jerk off to them. Sure. Yeah, but what's so funny? It's just a funny way to say it. Do you like black women? I jack off to them all the time, sure. No, I'm attracted. I just wanted to say I'm attracted to them. Sure, sure. They're worth it. Yeah, yeah.

I would keep that out of the sales pitch if you ever go on a date with one. Have you ever been with a black woman? No, but I put in a lot of time jerking off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's the only type of woman, oh, not type. I bet there's a black woman listening right now going, hello.

Yeah, yeah, I would love it. It's actually probably the best way to get you a black woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like singing out loud, yeah, I would love it. You know what I mean? But I've just never, I haven't had the opportunity.

You know what I mean? But it would be my pleasure to do it. What's the ethnicity of this woman who's in a relationship right now who you like? White. White? I knew it. Where'd you meet her? Dave Matthews fan? She's a ethnicity of this woman who's in a relationship right now who you like? White. White? I knew it. Where'd you meet her?

Dave Matthews, man. She's a fan of mine. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Let me tell you something about my wife. I'll tell you the first time I got white. Oh, please. I'm going to tell you the first time I got white, dude.

What'd you do? Bring a hacky sack out? No, no, no. I was a doorman at the La Jolla Comedy Store. Oh, La Jolla. Magical room. What? Magical room.

Beautiful women in that town. So back in 95, I used to be a doorman there. And I used to, you know, when you were a doorman at the store, on the weekends, you get one of the shows to host, which was a great opportunity. And you would do and that's how i like met paulie and mencia and dice and all these kind of guys yes because i was a doorman down there i got to open for them they got to see my act and they you know they liked my i was weird yeah i'm a weird guy you know whatever you know that's essentially the noise that you would see you know i mean yeah not that i would make that noise but you know see. You know what I mean? Yeah. Not that I would make that noise, but you know what I mean?

Yeah, I get it. And they would see this little energetic, you know what I mean? You were like a baby dolphin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so I went up there one night, and I went, right? And there was this girl in the front, a white girl. Her name was Jennifer,

blue eyes. And at that point, I had never hooked up with a white girl. Oh, wow. In 95, that was like hard. Right? And then after the show, what after the what just saying hey remember that kiddo you've done it yeah i only do oh well

don't do a peace sign what the fuck was that that was fucking weird yeah he's like peace anyway um like those little cats in the Chinese place So then like There was no cell phones back then So I was mopping And Fred Burns the manager Yells Lee You have a phone call And it's like one in the morning I go who

Some girl So I ran over She goes will you come to Oceanside Tomorrow night let's hang out So I drove to Oceanside tomorrow night? Let's hang out. So I drove to Oceanside. And next thing I know, I'm in her mom's closet. She lives with her mom. But she has a big private closet with all these shoes, I remember.

And I was 69ing. Whoa! This is a big closet. Huge closet. Wow. And I'd never 69ed before. Whoa. I did it through instinct. Whoa. Like no one ever taught me. I didn't have a before. Whoa. I did it through instinct. Whoa. Like no one ever taught me.

I didn't have a master. Leave it to Asians to always go back to numbers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't even really know what it was. She was like, let's 69. And I had to see what she did physically. And then she would turn around this way naked. I go, okay, I'll just.

And I kind of flowed with it. Whoa. Right. And then she started blowing me i go and you know and you're on the bottom right yeah and you're like you don't know what did no one ever taught me so i go i think instinctually e2 yeah she ate why not when i'm down there yeah right it's kind of a layup i don't know no he's giving himself a lot of credit here for knowing to eat the pussy. But it's right there in front of you. Well, most guys get blown. They get blown. He's like, I'll get blown. But not when she's in the 69 position already.

I'm going to argue against that, all right? If I've never played baseball before, right, and I hit the ball, and I hit all three things, and I go to home plate, and if I knew that instinctually, that would be fucking amazing. A grand slam. Normally, a guy would hit it if they'd never seen BSB. And then probably sit back on the bench. Like, no one taught you how to do that. I feel like this is like a comp, though.

It's like you just knowing to swing at the ball. What? Never. I feel like this is not the right group for sports conversation. Please do. No, we are. No, no, no. No, I want to argue this.

Okay. Okay. I want to argue this, okay? Okay. I want to argue this, all right? Basically, what you're saying is that you're not impressed, right, that I instinctually knew to eat the vagina when I was down there. And all I'm telling you is that I literally had never even heard of it before, right? So it could have been like, even though the vagina is in front of me, it could have been like...

Let's act it out. Because I can't... Okay, okay. All right. I'm on the bottom? Sure, sure. Even though the vagina's in front of me It could have been like Let's act it out Cause I can't Okay Okay Alright I'm on the bottom Sure sure I gotta be the bottom Let me do the play by play here

What are we doing There Alright hold on This is ridiculous I'll be the lady Alright alright alright Alright let's do it Well I'm the bottom

So can you move Alright This is ridiculous We gotta open the screen Alright so Before we even start Sit down Before we even start Check this out right Alright alright I'm the bottom, so can you move up? All right. This is ridiculous. We've got to open the screen. All right, so before we even start, check this out, right? All right, all right. I'm getting hard.

Yeah, all right. So we're sitting there naked like this. Okay. And you have to say, let's 16. No, don't do that yet. Oh, okay. Sorry. Tell him how funny he was at the comedy show.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, when you opened for Mencia, then he did your same act after you. That was crazy. But he made it Mexican, so it's okay. I was going to say, if you opened for Dice, did she suck your dick like this? So what are we doing now? Oh, yeah. So my mom's got a closet right here.

We're in the closet now. Oh, okay. I know what this is. All right. So let me blow you no you have to say 69 because that's blowing i knew what that was but i thought she didn't she no she goes let's 69 i didn't know what it was but that's my point is why i didn't know she said let's yeah yeah she goes let's 69 and i go i had to instinctually because i can't go what is that i'm with you

now this is not impressive i thought you said you came up with it. No. I thought she was blowing you. This is more impressive. Just play it out. All right, all right. We're playing it out. We're playing it out.

That's 69, right? Okay. So I went, did that look? Right? And I kind of went. Like, how would I know? Did you? Yeah, okay.

Now. It's my instinct. Right? How would I know did you yeah okay now it's my instinct right how would i know i'll blow with a confused look like this no no no that's not do you know what a 69 is oh wait hold on yeah yeah you're gonna go there we go there we go okay this is like this right and then i knew how to eat that right but what i'm saying is that no one ever taught me that it was all instinctual so you just but you had seen porn though bobby right not no dude back then there was no internet okay you get off though i don't know why we had to do all that. I don't understand the dramatization there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was confused, but now I get it. Anyway, that was the first time I had white pussy. No, I'm kidding. In the closet, and it was a good experience? Oh, no. So what I was going to say is when I started doing it, imagine if somebody came up to me and said, because I was so poor, and they said, you won $10 million in cash, no taxes, it's all yours.

Yeah. You would burst into tears if you're poor. That was me. I was laying there, I'm eating vagina, and I literally burst into tears. Wow. Of pure joy. Is there any way this girl came? He got wet.

That's so rude the way you said that. Yeah, there were many ways that she could have. There were many ways she could have, right? And let me say something, dude. I think she did. I think girls love when you cry into their pussy. By the way, this is why men are cooler than women. If a woman cries during sex, it's over.

Oh, right, right, right, right. Okay? If a guy cries, you keep on trucking. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. Here, here. But that was the first time. And then the first time I had, did you mind if I share this?

Yeah, please. Share everything. We love it. The first time I had a Korean woman. Holy shit, dude. I don't know if I've ever had a Korean. You've had a few Koreans. Yeah, yeah.

Uh-oh. Literally no liquid. It just won't move. Oh, look at that. Yeah, yeah. Uh-oh. There's literally no liquid. It just won't move. Oh, look at that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway. It's coagulated. Can I have...

I went to a Korean... Can I have a water? Yeah, exactly. Okay. I went to a Korean camp. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That sounds weird.

That sounds weird. Like a work camp? No, no, no. What it was was... I was on MADtv and a bunch of Korean kids liked me. Yeah. So they go, can you come out to this camp and do like a speech, like, you know, be a role model. Yeah. And one of the camp counselors was an actress.

And she was like maybe four years younger than me. She was like at the time. I can tell you who it is. maybe four years younger than me. She was like at the time. I can tell you who it is. Her name is Patricia Lee, and she was a Power Ranger.

Oh, she was hot. No, not the first one. There was one in space. The Yellow Ranger? The shit. By the way, is it offensive that the Asian one is the Yellow Ranger? And the black one is black? Yeah.

Is that weird? Yeah, Dory doesn't seem to like it. Yeah, that's her her But when she was younger Go younger When she was younger she was so hot She's cute yeah Anyway So Patricia and I met her And we made out

At the camp thing right And then we started dating But I'll tell you why she broke i broke up with her she scared the shit out of me sideways vagina is that a myth yeah but my dick sideways so it is a great movie and she was so cool but one night i wake up i was living in silver lake and um there's your water she was standing like i up, and she was standing at the foot of my bed, staring at me with her hair over her face. Oh, God. Right?

Like the grudge or the ring. The ring. The ring. And I go, what the fuck are you doing? She's like, oh, I sleepwalk. Oh. Right? But the way that she looked in the dark, it was so fucking scary.

That's terrible. I drifted apart. How come no one ever sleep blows? Right, right, right. Why does it always sleepwalk? Are they going to hammer or do something? I'm like, how come you can't be blowing me while you're asleep? Or sleep clean.

Do something. Do something positive. Exactly. Sleep vacuum. It's like the Tim Allen-like type material. You're going to walk in your sleep, but you don't suck, I've noticed. Sleep taxes or whatever. It's always walking around.

Always. Yeah, that's it. Do something is what I'm saying. Do something. Hear, hear. Have you had a Korean-Asian? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had a phase.

He had a phase. You had an Asian phase? Yeah, sure. I'm a Jew. We do it. Oh, yeah. I mean, Woody Allen went through his own daughter. That's how much he liked Asians.

I'll tell you, we like Asians, you know? He only eats her out on Christmas, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How about you, Mark? Oh, yeah. Two Asians. In your life. Yeah, that's it.

And I don't even know what denomination or whatever. Denomination. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't ask? I didn't ask. you don't care i saw the eyes i was in yeah that was it it's a bamboo whistle and uh she asked me to take my shoes off and all this but yeah it was it was great it was great yeah i feel like they think white guys are kind of cool oh yeah which is rare for us it's it's

nice to be you know cool well no it's always been with asian women it's always been like um you know they've always been fetishized and always viewed as exotic sure and asian men have not you know through the media and through tv shows it's Cleaning up. In the last couple of years where you have guys that I look at and I go, that's like Steven Yeun. Yeun. Stevie Yeun. Yeah, yeah.

Do you like him? Who's that? I love him. Not do I like him. He's like a son to me. Oh, yeah. Is he the guy from Lost? Oh, no.

He was in The Walking Dead. Oh, he's cute. But he's on Beef. Oh, Beef guy, yeah. This kid right here, dude, is the future, dude. Really? He was in Nope.

Oh, yeah. He's sexy. Yeah. This dude right here, dude, when he was on The Walking Dead, do you ever see The Walking Dead? How great was he in that? They killed him off.

Yeah, but later, bro. He did five or six seasons. And a lot of people died in that show. Right? But this kid right here, I will tell you at one time. What a hunk. He's a hunk. I yelled at him once.

What? Did he bump you? Let me get Jeffrey Balder on the phone right now. Yeah. I yelled at him once because when I saw him on The Walking Dead, I go, this kid is our Brad Pitt. Yeah, oh, yeah. He can act. He's handsome, sweet. He's got everything. Se thing right hip and at that time i was auditioning for two

lines in these lowbrow comedies i would never even get these roles but they always go two lines as a receptionist right i would always get those auditions i was sitting there in auditions after the walking dead and he was sitting next to an audition. This was after The Walking Dead. And he was sitting next to me. And I looked at him. I go, you're not auditioning with these two lines, right? He goes, yeah, I am. I go, I pulled him outside and I screamed at him.

I go, what the fuck are you doing, dude? This is for me. You're a star. You know what I mean? You deserve the lead. You know what I mean? You're talented. You're walking off one of the hottest shows at the time, right? What do you do? You know what I mean You deserve the lead You know what I mean You're talented You're walking off One of the hottest shows

At the time Right What do you do You know what I mean And he He left the audition That'd be great If you just did that

To everyone in the room Until you got there What do you do Dude you're better than this Man What are you doing That's so good That's what I should do

You're a star Ken Jeong come over here Bobby Lee is Ken Jeong Randall Park Everyone And then I get the role Well good that's what i should do you're a star ken jeong bobby lee is ken jeong randall park and then i get the role well korea is having a moment i mean you got squid game you got parasite you got uh the other thing yeah i think koreans are in yeah remember when trump oh k-pop's another korean thing do you remember when trump said about parasite he's like whatever happened to good old-fashioned movies like gone with the wind it was like dude they're still there yeah right they make new movies yeah yeah and parasite was killer

that was fucking good was that park woo park yeah something chan ho no chan ho park the pitcher you're thinking of matt suey with a Hideo Nomo? No. Yeah, it is interesting that Koreans are coming out with really cool art. Oh, yeah, the best art out of all of Asia. There's no connection, though, between... Sorry. It was silent. Quiet. That was my K-pop.

He was holding a lot in for Ali Sadiq. He did not want to fart on the guy who's been to prison. I don't want to fire an ex-con. But, you know, Koreans don't fuck with American Korean dudes. Oh, interesting. Like, if I go to Korea right now, I'm like a koi fish farmer. I work with rice. Like, they don't...

Really? Yeah, they don't know me at all. Yeah. It's kind of like orth and non-Orthodox. Yeah, yeah. Or, like, Nigerians and American blacks hate each other. Yeah, yeah. They don't fuck around.

It has that vibe. Interesting. So when people go, come to Korea, I'm like, all right. Which is fine, you know what I mean? But it's like. But I bet you would get a lot of people that would still come to see you. Oh, yeah. Come on.

There's no fucking way. Are they treating you like white people there? Is that what it is? No, I'm literally, because now they're basing it on the way I look. And the way I look is like, you know what I mean, that I have rice on my head and I carry shit. Oh. Right? So they're like, you know, pushing me aside.

You know what I mean? Got it. It's like in South Africa, I did shows there. And before. When did you do that? Maybe 12 years ago, whatever. And before the first show, the promoter goes, I just want you to know that in South Africa, Asians are considered like third-class citizens.

Damn. So I go, what? And I was always like first on the lineup. Right. I just put them up first. You know what I mean? It's also a funny thing to say to someone right before they go on stage. Yeah.

Just so you know, your people are garbage. Yeah. Your people are an animal. Yeah. And so then, but it was weird because when I went up,

I crushed. Yeah. Right? But no. But then we would do a meet and greet at the end and no one would say that I was funny.

Wow. And everyone else got it i would watch it you know interesting it was so interesting at that time it was um ian bag oh yeah pablo francisco yep um jeff dunham these are these types of people big comics trevor noah jeez yeah yes um so um so you know that. So it's just interesting that in other parts of the world, I'm not shit. Huh. Yeah, I'm not shit. All right. Well, you're special here, dude.

We love you here. I'm dancing right here. Have you been to Australia? Oh, they love me there. They would love you. Oh, yeah. I know they love me there. I just got back, and they brought you up 18 times. yeah yeah in england too i guess you know i mean they

like us there too yeah yeah yeah white people like you oh no they love me yeah is that your biggest fan base you think white people it's so fucking funny oh yeah gotta be yeah because joe coy has like i mean all of them come off without that, him, you know? Yeah. But, like, me and Ander on tour right now, 2%, 1% is Asian. What? What? Yeah. You got one right here. Yeah, but he's, you know what I mean, a future one.

Uh-huh. Do you have more redheads than Asians in the crowd? Yeah. Damn. Damn. I mean, the Asians that like me love me. Like, you know, I did drugs, too. You know, I'm weird. Oh, I see. But the conservative ones that, like, you know, I did drugs too. You know, I'm weird.

But the conservative ones that like, you know, are accountants and stuff. I'm going to say something. This really happened years ago. This is so fucking... This is going to be crazy.

This is crazy. So I was in the OR at the comedy store and this famous Korean actor was in the audience from America. At the time, he was famous.

I get off stage and he goes, let me, he has an accent. Let me talk to you. Outside, I'm like, oh,

this guy's going to go. Let's be in my new movie or whatever. And he goes, you're a disgrace. That's what I got. You're a disgrace to our people.

You're a disgrace. I go, why? Because I showed my dick? Yeah, you show your asshole everything. I go, I know, I showed my dick? Whoa. Yeah, you show your asshole everything. I go, I know, but that's great. Yeah.

That's called America, freedom. Maybe he just meant as a comedian. No, but he was like, you know, there are those that, like, look at me and they go, no. Wow. You know, that's not us. That's what we want you to portray. You know what I mean? And that's why you have certain comics that, you know what I mean, that are Asian that aren't like me. Yeah, yeah. I still, you know i mean and that's why you have certain comics that you know i mean aren't

they're asian they aren't like me yeah yeah i still you know that's one white privilege a big white privilege we have is like no one will ever go you're not you're not a real white no you're not white enough you know we just i'll get you're not a real jew yeah but i'm talking about white but i do think jews are also like grateful to have jews like thanks for even if you're a half-ass one, thanks for sticking around. Yeah, yeah. But you've heard black guys like, you ain't real black. And you're like, well, white people don't deal with that.

It's true. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, minorities deal with it. Yeah. It's so weird. Even women do it to each other. Like, hey, come on. You got to be more girl power or whatever. And you're like, let me just be a woman.

Yeah. It's interesting. They do do that. But you know what? I don't listen to it. I just do what I do. I can't be anything just be a woman. Yeah. It's interesting. They do do that. But you know what? I don't listen to it. I just do what I do. Good. I can't be anything that I'm not.

Yeah. I can't. I just, you know what I mean? I don't have a lot of diversity. No. I've got to be me. I just fucking write shit down. I say it on stage.

I say it the way I say it now. Right? And I do what instinctually I think is funny. And then people go, I don't like it. That's fine. I can't do anything else. Sing it, sister. You know what I mean? I've sucked dick before. People know that. I've sucked three penises in my life.

And they came in my mouth, but they were accidents. I'm not gay. I think it's weird that that one wasn't in the closet. Like, I've done weird things. I've done meth. I've done, you've done you know i mean i've you know sorry yeah you know how is math it's great it's one of the best drugs ever as an age you say meth or math all right wait when did you do meth in high school damn that's like throwback i went

to a rehab specifically for math, but... Whoa! Yeah. It was... Well, I did... I started doing drugs at like 11. Woo! Like drinking and smoking weed at 11. Damn. But meth is a very white guy drug. When I grew up in Poway at the time, there was a lot of meth going around there.

Okay. And it was like easy to get. And what... What the fuck is Poway? What? Is that a place? Poway? Poway in Korea. Oh, I thought you grew up Is that a place? Poway in Korea. Oh, I thought you grew up in America.

Poway, Korea. You've never heard of Poway? It's in San Diego. I'm the Google guy here. Hey, dude, you're fucking racist. You're fucking racist, dude. We're joking, dude. There's a little town called Poway. It's like a suburb of San Diego.

Oh. What? Oh. What? How Asian he got? Oh. So you were young as hell in rehab. How did that – was your parents like, you got to go to rehab?

Yeah. Well, I mean, I wasn't – at 16 is the first time I went to rehab. Yeah. And I went to three between 16 and 17. And then when I was 17, I went to a place called McDonald's Center. I got sober there. Damn. Yeah.

Why? I'm curious. I don't even know why. It's interesting. I think because I had such a brutal childhood because my dad was so fucking violent. And I was always so sensitive. I was born sensitive. And to see him beat the shit out of my mom and us.

And you're always constantly like... That's why when I walk into a restaurant, I have to know where the exits are. Wow, really? Yeah, I'm always like that. Like, where do I escape? Let me just say this. Yeah.

All right. Shit, I thought that'd be louder. He's telling some fucking... Can you wait till he's done telling the story about his violent father, Mark? You've got to cut the tension a little bit. And that's when my father used to beat my mother. Hold on, let me get that real quick. Well, keep talking.

This is for America. You're going to kill me. Spock Poway, welcome here where no one molests children or beats their moms. Well, you guys had great childhoods? I mean, they were a little rocky. It was mixed, but it was good. Yeah. It was solid.

Yeah, it was all right. I had a weird childhood. Black neighborhood, the white family, transvestite nanny. Whoa. Yeah. Cool. I mean, we talked about it in your podcast. It was a blended family.

There was weirdness, but it wasn't like shit, I mean. Yeah. Did you skate, too, like him? No. I played basketball. Yeah. Whatever. Are you still skating or no?

No. I'm too old and crunchy. I can't do it. My body's stiff. They're skating so good. Do you skate? No, but I'm a huge fan of the sport. Huge fan.

And these kids now are unreal. Even the ladies. Yeah. Killing it, dude. Killing it. What's so funny? That sounded sexist, right? Yeah.

Oh, shit. It's my misogyny joke alarm. I'll do something else. Oh, there we go. Yeah, I can't drink this. I mean, I did. I'm not into it. Catch up, Mark.

Come on. I'm not into it. I'm going to be the only drunk one here? It is a little weird I got you sorry beardy you're talented you're good at what you do

I'm fascinated just cause you know you breaking the sobriety that we is a drinking podcast it just it was interesting to me the rehab

yeah I mean how scary are there people screaming at night you got a guy in your room with you is he trying to fight you are people jonesing

are they scratching their necks? Well, I mean, the McDonald's is a corporate, like, it's out of script, you know what I mean? So it's, like, pretty corporate. You wear, like, you know, the pajamas. If you look early on in my Instagram, I have a photo of me at the McDonald's Center wearing my pajamas and stuff. Oh, okay. Yeah, it was cool. And then when I was – I'll show you a photo.

Oh, cool. Because I just – I literally just – and then – so when I was 17, I went to the McDonald's Center. And then, and I was like, and I met this man, and he changed my life. And I'm going to show you a photo of this man. All right. What? So this man right here. Jesus.

This man right here changed my life. And was he in the Hab? No. this man right here changed my life and was he in the hab no he was a a dude that was korean who was adopted from korea and he was sober for a long time at the time like mr 12 step and he came to the rehab because he found out there was a korean kid there whoa and he once we locked eyes he was just like i'm gonna be your i'm gonna i'm gonna take care of you. And I had breakfast with him last week, so we still. And this is in 1988 when I met him. Yeah.

And he's still a part of my life, and I just had breakfast with him last week. He's like my dad. Damn. Yeah, but the dude saved my life. There was a lot of men back then that really just, because they knew that I had a violent childhood. And stand-up only happened because I was at an AA meeting when I was 22, and I spoke at an AA meeting, and I crushed. Oh, nice.

It was like one of those gigantic speaker meetings. They're like, let the kid be the first speaker. Yeah. I crushed it. You know what I mean? Damn. That was my first kill. And when I went off stage, a bunch of older AA dudes walked up to me and goes,

Hey, kid, you should do comedy. Whoa, you pulled your dick out of an AA meeting? A white woman in the meetings? Yeah, I didn't develop that yet. You know what I mean? But then a year later or whatever, I started doing open mics. But yeah, I got a lot from just being in that environment and people encouraging me so i did you know i did my first seven years um of stand-up completely sober it's only when i

got mad tv when i relapsed again interesting was it just that grueling that's got to be tough beat on fox it was a terrible really one One of the worst times of my life. Whoa. I fucking hated it. I remember Average Asian. Dude, you were fucking, I liked that. Yeah, that was good. That was a good one.

Pull it up. Pull it up. Got it. Average Asian was bad. No, man, it's not good. I don't remember Average Asian. Yeah. It's just like a sketch.

Oh, all right. It was funny, though. Yeah, before the time. Oh, my God. Oh, all right. It was funny, though. Yeah, before the time. Oh, my God. Oh, this is exciting. You don't want to spend the summer at the grocery store or prepping meals? Let Factor do the cooking for you. Yes.

While you keep crushing your health goals, Factor, America's number one ready-to-eat meal kit, delivers nutritious meals straight to your door. It's the easiest way to stay on track while saving tons of time. I've tried their stuff. It's pretty damn good. Oh, yeah. I like them. I love the smoothies.

They're good. I'm a big fan. Love factor. Always fresh, never frozen. Takes two minutes to prepare. Yeah, I mean, I had a ton of these, and they're all really good. You need an extra boost to support your wellness goals this summer. Try Protein Plus Meals with 30 grams of protein or more per serving.

You don't have time to cook. You don't want to waste a super amount of money doing seamless with all those hidden charges. You order a fucking Italian sub, it's $47. Exactly, exactly. Where the hell is the money going? Factor Meals come in a variety of lifestyle options. If you're vegan, vegetarian, keto, calorie counting, there's something delicious waiting for you. Head to factormeals.com slash drunk50 and use the code drunk50 to get 50% off your first box.

That's a lot. I mean, that's big. Some of these discounts, you're not getting that. So 50% off. That's code drunk50 at factormeals.com slash drunk50. 50% off your first box. That is a great deal. Mark, what the hell? 50 at factormeals.com slash drunk50. 50% off your first box. That is a great deal.

Mark, what the hell? You passed out drunk again? Oh, I was out with Alec Baldwin. We were drinking, doing shots. Oh, that guy can't stop. I don't know. He loves a shooter. Oh, man.

You all right? I'm okay. I'm a little hungover. I need a drink and a shirt. Well, I got your shirt. What's with that new merchant? We might be drunkpod.com. All kinds of cool I need a drink and a shirt. Well, I got you a shirt. It's my new merchant. We might be drunkpod.com. All kinds of cool stuff. This shirt, this shirt, and of course I got a drink for you.

Oh, beautiful. Bodega Cat Whiskey. Don't drink responsibly because we make more money if you don't. Yes, you got that right. Keep driving. Oh, he's a terrible. Well, things are about to really heat up because I invited an Asian man. It was a different time. Like Ike. Oh, look how cute. So cute. Ah, the how cute. So cute. The 90s.

Hi, Sandra. I brought you a little gift. Oh, Hideki. You made Urajami. Oh, it's beautiful. Look, everyone. My Asian friend, Hideki, made me an Urajami fire-breathing dragon. Urajami.

It's not a fire-breathing dragon. It's a bottle of wine. That guy at the liquor store just wrapped it up for me. Hi, Tiki. You're so funny. Don't be humble. We all know that your crowd does fancy things with paper. Please, make me a swan.

Swan. Swan. Swan. Swan. Swan. Swan. Swan. Swan. That's comedy. That's great. We got to bring this back. All right, let's turn it off. All right, we got it. I hate watching my show. I get it.

I was a kid. I was so scared then. What were you, 20-something? I was 29. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I, um, you know, when I got on that show, like, everyone, I had never done acting or really, and I had never done sketch or anything like that.

And it's like, I had to, like, I didn't know what a mark was. Sure, sure. You know what a mark is? Norman. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, like, I didn't know what a jib camera was.

So, everything I learned, you know So everything I learned was on that show. But I would fail a lot. And it was really hard. And I've said this before, but the second day I was there, somebody called me in, a producer. And he goes, I just don't think you're funny. Oh! Wow. And he goes, I just don't think you're funny.

You're not right for the show. And I'm this one guy trying to not to not you know I was like against you being the same guy from South Africa he was like you're just not you're just not working and then when he said that

I was just like I just knew when he was saying that in his office I turned around and I literally started crying and I relapsed that night

just like your 69 experience yeah yeah but different you know the feeling was different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, man.

But you, I mean, here's my question. Why would he say that to you? You're on the show. Yeah, but I remember at the time they were like, the only reason why I even got an audition was because my manager managed one of the producers, Lauren Dombrowski. And, you know, no one, like, an agent wouldn't sign me. I didn't have any agent or anything. I just had a manager.

She couldn't get me an agent. So I was just like, you know, I work at the store. And I go, well, can you at least, I don't even know what it's like to audition for a TV show, so can I just at least audition for one? And she called Lauren. She basically goes, like, I have a client. He's new.

And he's just going to, he wants to wants to practice what was your audition do you remember yeah it was like three characters and three impressions that you made up yeah that night that's pretty cool that night yeah because i she's because my manager was like you're not gonna get the show they want a white guy you know i mean that's what they want they want someone young different time yeah and they're like you know but they will see you just to practice so i remember first showing up there going in and there was like no one else there and you know they weren't like even like when i walked in the room they were just kind of like all right let's let's go oh damn and then you know i think that my second character they just kind of the woman that was in there, I love her so much, Nicole Garcia, she kind of tilted her head. She's like, that's fucking funny.

And so afterwards, she's like, yo, can you come back next week? And I go, really? She's like, yeah. But I don't like these things you did. Change these and come back. So I went back the next week, and then she was like, better. But take this out. Do this.

And every week she would call me in. To the point where it was like 9, 10, 11. I don't remember. But it was like a lot. A lot. But by the time I was like at the end, there was more and more people in the room. Yeah. And less and less people in the lobby.

And then it came down to me and Taryn Killam. Wow. But Taryn Killam was in high school. What? Yeah. And I remember being at Fox between him and I. then it came down to me and taryn killam wow but taryn killam was in high school what yeah and i was i remember being at fox but just between him and i and they were like taryn's gonna get it yeah but we both got it oh wow wow that's how i got in but it was like what sorry i was just did you tell karen in the lobby you're better than this i need this get the hell out of here you gotta be here i don't yeah he was like he was in high school

and he was so funny but i remember just going like you know here's the thing i learned you just you gotta just try yeah there you go you'd never know you you know it's like that old saying you know you like suit up and show up and do the best you can if you don't walk through fear if you don't like just try yeah nothing happens here here what hold on keep giving that keep giving that this is beautiful please don't fart again i won't but this is what this is what america's all about let me know if you like it then i'll tell you what it is you gotta just try yeah yeah it's like uh it's like a bodega cat mai tai kind of situation. Mai Tai. Very good.

Like when you guys did stand up for the first time, how scary was it? Terrifying. I had to get blackout drunk. But you did it. Yes. It's funny. I got drunk too for my first one. I was horrified. And it took me about six months to do it again.

That's how scary it was. Yeah. It was. And I bombed so hard that it was like PTSD. I couldn't get back up. But it took six months to get over it were you when you relapsed that night he said that to you like were you just fucking wrecked the whole time you're on the show or what was that two years in so i was using on that show for two years and it got like really bad like to the point where

one time they i did this sketch that was supposed to shoot at Griffith Park. And it was, like, you know, a big crew, and I was the lead of the sketch. I just never even showed up. Damn. I was in Tijuana smuggling drugs through the border. What? Yeah, I would tie bottles of, like, Valium and Somas, and I would take the cotton out. No, I would put more cotton in

and then tighten it so they wouldn't rattle and then I would tape it to my body and I would walk across so that it wouldn't buzz. You know what I mean? You're from Average Asian and Midnight Express?

What the hell is going on here? And I remember one night I was smuggling and then I took like four Valiums, like a super drunk and then I woke up in this hotel room by the border and i remember you know we had cell phones the newer versions of it and i remember going to my voicemail there's like 50 fucking boys like oh my god where the fuck are

you where the fuck are you you know i mean and that was like a constant and the reason why they wouldn't fire me at the time was because i was the only ethnic guy on any of the tv shows on fox right so they were like and at the end so and there was some black people on cops i know no i mean in terms of asian i mean asian guys asian guys i was like the only non-white or black guy you know i mean that was like on really at the time any show i think um i think there was one i think sondra oh was on great anatomy or whatever but you see you know i mean but rare but for fox it was rare that's think Sondra O was on Grey's Anatomy or whatever. Oh, yeah. But rare. But for Fox, it was rare. That's true.

We need to hold on to the China event or whatever. Yeah, yeah. And this is when it was sort of opening up for us. Yeah. So then at the end of the second season, they gave me an intervention, the network and the producers. And it was on a Monday. And I remember i was wearing a turtleneck whoa i was sweating and they're like you you're about to get fired and we we also need you because what the weird thing was is because i was so different that the fans really loved me like i

like if i walked in front of the audience, I would get the huge cheer. I mean, people loved me, even though I was all drugged, addicted, and stuff. And so then they go, can you do one sketch? And I've told this story before. Can I tell it again? Please. Cut that out. Cut that out.

Cut that out. My point is... Start from here. And got that. I got that. My point is – Start from here. And cut here. So they go, we wrote a Connie Chung sketch for you. And I go, okay. And they go, we're shooting live Friday. Can you just stay sober enough to do the sketch?

And I was taking like 30 to 40 Vicons a day. So I – By the way, this is the funniest reason to drop the pills. I gotta be Connie. Did you ever party with Artie Lang? Because he was a fucking No, that was way before. Artie Lang was fucking great on Mad TV. That's my white mama.

That was classic. So then I called a guy named Duncan Trussell. Oh, I love Duncan. So Duncan Trussell, I go, you gotta come to my apartment and wipe out my house of drugs. He came over in like 30 seconds. And he lives like three hours away. What a guy. He just showed up.

He went through my whole apartment. He's like the wolf in Pulp Fiction. I think he made me a fish dinner. I don't know why. But he really did. He brought fish. Wow. He made a fish dinner.

He just seems like one of the best he's a great guy great guy i'd only know him i've did his podcast a few times i just like loved him yeah he's great he just seems cool and he had like a bag bags full of pills yeah he's like later right and then so it was like a tuesday by thursday i was a mess dude i was like shaking right and then by friday i felt a little better and then um but i remember doing the connie chung rehearsal i was sweating a lot where they had to keep you know i mean adding the makeup and this and that and then um live happened and i um i'm out in front of the crowd it was like 400 500 people in the audience whatever tv audience and it's the

lights are out right and they're like three two one and bruce letty the director's like action the lights come out and as soon as the lights came out i just knew i couldn't do it huh i just knew like every line that i had was just completely gone we didn't have teleprompters back then for like doing these monologues. You had to memorize them. Right? And I went, good evening. I go, I'm Connie. And as I said Connie, my stockings were being filled with shit.

Oh! You were just panicking. I shit my pants. Wow. And it was like stockings, and you could see theicking. I shit my pants. Wow. And it was like, you know, stockings. And you could see the shit, you know what I mean? Roll down my stocking. The next thing I know, they're dragging me off set.

I'm sorry to laugh. Why are you so funny? Because it's horrible. I don't know. It's fucking terrible, dude. It's terrible. I've never been there before. No, I'm laughing.

Yeah, yeah. It was fucking terrible. It's literally the worst thing. It's one of the worst things you could ever. I didn't know it, I'm laughing. Yeah, yeah. It was fucking terrible. It's literally the worst thing. It's one of the worst things you could ever. I didn't know it was going to happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you were going to say. I remember Ari Shiff.

I thought you were going to say you flipped a line. But you just shit my pants. I shit my pants. It's way worse. It's not even his pants. It's stock. I feel it's. And then Aries Spears out loud goes, you shit yourself.

Like out loud. Did he do it as DMX or Jay-Z? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember being dragged off. And I remember my manager being there actually i'm still with abby and i just remember people that's in my face and it's just like charlie brownie you know yeah and it was just like and i'm like it's over like like my everything's done my career's over life is over and i remember being in my dressing room and then abby is just like we got to take you to a hospital tomorrow so they drove me to this place in san diego and i got sober and then what happened was a miracle happened so two months in i was going

to meetings i was like two months sober this is is the summer. And they fired me from that. And I was in a meeting. Isn't it a bad look to fire someone for being clearly having a drug problem and not giving them a chance to get help? I don't know. Not back then. Probably not back then. I love how they're like, we love you. We care about you.

But quickly come to this Asian stereotype. It almost feels like. We know you're dying. We know you're dying. We know you're dying. Can you get sober? We need you to be Lucy Liu in a Charlie's Angels parody. Okay? I was in a meeting

and I look across the meeting and Lauren was one of the producers and she looked at me and she goes, wow, you have a sponsor? And I go – and her husband started sponsoring me. One of the producers was mad. And then a month later, I just remember Lauren calling me and goes, listen, you're really doing it. I convinced Fox to give you just like a trial run my third year

but what I did my third year was completely different like usually on Mondays you pitch and I wouldn't go because they wouldn't listen to my pitches right but now that I was like sober again and stuff I'm going to stay here until 2 in the morning until they listen to me and if they didn't write me into a sketch

I would like write my own I learned how to write on my own but what i learned to do was shoot things on my own so i started shooting sketches on my own i like i do this thing called bobby 24 with bobby lee because 24 was such a big show and bob 24 the 24 um sketches that i did were popular but i filmed the first one because they wouldn't write it. So I bought a camera. I had my neighbors and people help me. And then what happened was I fucking brought that thing in

to a table read and I said to Dick Blasucci, the executive producer, I go, can you just air it? It's just like... Sorry, they're not very loud today. I know.

I think that's what's sad about it. I know. That's what really bothers me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the comedy's lost from it. Yeah, you're right. You can't even hear it. It's so sad.

I thought they'd be loud, but I didn't want to shit my stockings. You know what I mean? It's like in an action movie when a guy is out of bullets. Yeah, right. So anyway, I went to a table read. I filmed a sketch on there on there we don't do it that way i go but can you just air i think you'll like it and so at the end of the table read you know the the networks there all the writers everyone

yeah they bring in a tv and they put in a vhs tape of the thing that i fucking shot yeah and it murdered hey and Hey! And then they go, you know, we're going to add some stuff to it, but leave it as is. So what I filmed is a lot of what they used on the show. And so, you know,

the show started going, you know, we're just going to put Bobby Lee into sketches. So Bobby Lee in the wild, Bobby Lee doing this. And I could play myself. play myself so that's how that whole thing started so it leaves the pressure a little bit yeah performance anxiety so you're

back you're rehired yeah and i was on it for six more years wow that's unheard of yeah yeah look at that was that producer who told you you weren't funny he was white well i have a sketch i don't want to say his name because i'm not guy. Oh, you're friends with the guy now. Oh, I love him. Because one of my most popular sketches online he wrote. Uh-huh. And it's called Dragon Hunter 2. You know what I mean? And don't play it now.

Don't play it now. But, like, you know, I mean, he wrote me bangers after that. Hey, all right. Yeah, no, I would. Do you ever have a talk where he goes, I was wrong? No, no, you know what? I'll be honest with you. I sucked.

He was doing that out of love, probably. I was fucking terrible, dude. I really was. I didn't – I wasn't ready for a TV show. Yeah. You know what I mean? I – because of my charisma and my commitment when I perform, I convinced all these people to get me on the show.

But when I showed up at the show – I mean, I'm doing a show with groundling main company guys. Right, right. Mike McDonald, like Michael Hitchcock is a writer on the show. I mean, everyone on there are like sketch gods. And if they were stand-ups, they were like Frank Caliendo, who's a master impressionist. Mary Spears is a great impressionist. I didn't know how to do anything. You know what I mean? master impressionist. Mary Spears is a great impressionist. Yeah. I didn't know how to do anything. Yeah.

You know what I mean? I just had the thing of like, I'm going to go for it. Yeah. Kind of a vibe. Like I'm gung-ho, which is, I think, at the end, that's always worked for me. You know what I mean? Well, gung-ho is your uncle. But, yeah.

So anyway, I mean, it's not funny, but I just. No, that's fucking fascinating. That's an incredible story. That's a great story, because you hear about these John Belushis or Chris Farleys. You got out. You could have gone that way. Yeah, I could have. I could have died, yeah.

Wow. Yeah, it was amazing. And then... Too bad that Korean man who saved you didn't give a shit about white people, or we could still have Chris Farley. Yeah, yes. Good point. Come on.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah. Good point. Yeah, but it's interesting. But I slip. And then after that, I got... After that, I stayed sober for 17 years. Wow. From that Connie Chung thing to...

And then I relapsed again. So it's like, it can happen. But it's pretty far away. 17 years, though, and how long did you fall off for? I can last about three or four months. Wow. I think that's fair. But look at Santino.

I mean, like one time we were in fucking Cancun and he opens the door to my hotel room and there's poo smeared on the walls. There's poo all over my body.

Vomit. And I'm like, confused. I'm like, what's going on? Where am I? Jesus. There's poo all over my hands.

That's... What happened? He's like, Bobby, we're on in five minutes. I mean, that's essentially what it was. What were you doing? Connie Chung again? Yeah, I mean, I get drunk and I just black out. And I just, things happen.

And you do it in secret. Because Andrew, I've drank with Andrew a bunch. Yeah, yeah. He's like, he's like a drinker like us. He's a good drunk. He's a good drunk. Yeah. No, I do it privately.

Yeah. You know, just shot, shot, shot, shot, shot. Oh, that's bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's bad. And I poo myself. I make, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Face makeup, you know what I mean? That's blackface. I kind of want to party with you now. I mean, it sounds pretty fun. But yeah, I'm a mess, dude. Whoa. I'm glad you're sober. How long have we done?

We've been a while. How long has this been? Hour and 20? Hour 10. Hour 10? Well, we cut a lot out. You know, we made a lot of jokes. Let's keep going.

Let's keep going. But yeah. How long did you usually go to? Hour and a half. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we got time. I'm sorry. Did I fuck up the momentum?

No, you're great. Do you have shows to do? No, nothing. Okay, great. I appreciate you being so open and vulnerable, man. I mean, it's... hour and a half yeah yeah yeah we got sorry i fucked up the moment no you have shows no nothing okay great i appreciate you being so open and vulnerable man i mean it's that well no because some of these stories i've told before i just i feel i don't want to like you know i mean i want to come up with something new but like you know i mean i haven't told that story in years but no it's a great story yeah it's also like i didn't mean to laugh when you say that it's just it's so tragic that it's like one of the things i think about i'm like what a bad set but i didn't

shit my pants. That's the thing I actually think sometimes. It could have been worse. I could have shit myself. And you actually shit yourself. It's crazy. But that's the problem with being sober is you get less stories when you're drinking and doing pills and meth. That's a great Jim Jefferies joke.

You know that joke where he goes, all those stories end with, and then I got home. Yeah. I love that. I mean, things happen even in this sobriety i've had the craziest year of fucking imaginable oh really yeah like i had that me and collider breakout yeah that was wild you had that war with brendan shop that was wild i mean there was some canceling things that were still going or is it no that ended but i'm just saying so much shit happened this year.

But great things happened as well. Oh, I hope so. And when you go out and you try to live a big life, big things happen. Big or good or bad. Good or bad. And I just kind of like, you know, stay like this. I try to. I mean, I've been sad and super sad this year.

But I've been super happy. And it's just been. It's a roller coaster. It's a roller coaster. It's a roller coaster, but I have a big life, and I love it. All right. I love every single moment of it, because it's like... Well, you like the pain, which I don't dig. What do you mean, the pain?

You said you like the pain. You go in the woods, you cry. No, that was back in the day. That was when I was a pussy, but what I'm saying is, no, I mean, I don't like pain. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah i mean i don't like pain oh okay yeah yeah and i don't like um but here's the deal dude it's like it's what missy used to say to me man you know she said to me years ago she goes i was driving around when she used to come down san diego and me and freddie soto used to drive around town you know i mean we go to steak houses and stuff and wear my comedy store shirt and stuff and she oneoto used to drive her around town. You know what I mean? We'd go to steakhouses and stuff

and wear my Comedy Store shirt and stuff. And one night we're at Bully's restaurant and she goes, you know what makes a star? And I go, what? She goes, half the people have to love you but half the people have to hate you as well. Interesting.

Right. You just got to keep them talking. Keep them talking. And I go, and i didn't know what she meant by that but i think i have a better understanding of it now yeah i mean reggie jackson said you ain't nobody till somebody hates you yeah or something like that but i just watched the john mackinrow documentary oh everybody hated him but everybody loved him too yeah some of the next game a few weeks ago and he like didn't remember me at all but i fucking bombed one of his dumb benefits oh i did one of his two

oh my god worst worst crowds of all time yeah they were tough oh my god i remember i did get a big laugh out of him though i remember this yeah he's good these women just are in the front row just talking my entire set i go somebody go lady shut the fuck up and i see mack and go yes i got nightmares why do you guys do those they pay well no that was a charity gig Shut the fuck up. And I see Mack and Ro go, yes. I got back in the nightmares. Why do you guys do those? They pay well. No, that was a charity gig. I didn't.

I did very well. Oh, did it? I did one like two months ago. It was killer. And he was in the front row and he was great. But yeah, I did one for free. It was like a benefit. I mean, it was like, you know.

But I mean, aren't you at a point where you can go, you know, I know it's a lot of money, but when I did it was no money. I mean, I literally did it like it's for his charity. So so i was like yeah fuck i'll do a free gig for a charity so you're willing to do anything like a nightmare gig i just did the worst corporate i mean i've done some bad corporates yeah and i did one in toronto not too long ago i bombed for an hour and 20 straight like not one lap not a hiccup why did you do the extra 20 i was trying to get a laugh to end on i'm trying to get out of there yeah yeah it was brutal brutal and the guy this is the worst part the guy in the beginning was like i'm a huge fan can you do that joke can you do that he's quoting jokes i'm like this is gonna be a fucking cakewalk i got the jokes he likes me

i'm gold and he ran the whole company i did all the jokes he said they all bombed and he's looking at me going like like it's my i'm like i told the jokes i don't know what else to do it was it was a nightmare very well they don't realize that it's not it's not always the way it should be they they just they're like i've seen those jokes work and you're like exactly yeah i know i don't know it's the environment i'm in but also i was doing gigs in toronto i said i'll pop over and do this corporate make a nice check and then leave but did they ask they give you rules like you can't do this you can't nothing nothing i asked that ahead of time so you can talk about anything anything and i did if mark and i get booked on a corporate or a private event they usually book us knowing there's no

rules because if they're a fan of what we do, it's like, you know. But it's so funny. You guys haven't gone tour together. Well, there's more money to be made alone. I don't think so. Oh, you and old Ginger, huh? Yeah, me and Ginger. Yeah, we realize now.

Because there are people like the incentive of like, oh, Sam, we love him, but together, some people are like, you know what? I'm willing to take the day off of work or travel further. You know what I mean? All right. It becomes more special. Interesting. And I'm telling you, you guys will. We'd do like a super tour if we added like Stavros or something.

Right. Oh, my God. You guys would fucking kill it. I mean, that's what Tim Dillon and- Gillis. Gillis. I mean, look look i've talked chris de stefano is trying to get me to do it with him oh really it's like you know i talked

to my agent he was like you starve oh that'd be huge my only fear with us is the carryover he's probably right it's like it probably would be bigger money and we could do 20 minute sets when we're building a new app oh yeah and and we you we, you know. Yeah, me and Andrew only do 20 minutes. Yeah. And then we improvise at the end. You know what I mean? It's like so easy. And like, you know, if I go to a place, I could probably sell a 2,000 seat.

You know what I mean? But now we're selling four or 5,000 seats together. Right? And it's like, and it's less pressure. It's more of an event. Yeah. And it's a lot of fun, man. I don't think we do it for like every city because there's certain cities you want to do it alone.

But I think like certain cities we could do it. I'm down. Everywhere I go, they go, Samaroo. We might be drunk. Whatever. I mean, I think if we did certain cities together, it'd be a good experiment. I'm down. I'm down.

And if we did like a super group like you, me, Stav, and like Chris, or you, me, Stav, and Mateo, or someone like that. Oh, yeah. Whoever. Yeah, I'm available too, man. What the fuck? I'm the one that brought it up. group like you me stav and like chris or you me stav and mateo or someone like oh yeah whoever i'm available to him and what the fuck do you i'm the one that brought it up i'm the one that brought it up and that's so fucked up what you're just doing right now we could do we could do we could do a super uh we might be bad friends yeah it could be you andrew and that would that would be amazing we might be bad yeah yeah that would be amazing that's the show We might be bad. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That would be amazing. That's the show. We might be bad.

That's funny. And then we could play like bigger, way bigger places. I love it. Because Tom Segura asked me to open for him in Canada. And usually it's like, I had a cold open. This is six months ago. But that's a big arena or something. Yeah, I know. And in my mind, I'm like, this is going to be a nightmare.

And why am I even doing this? But it's like, what you don't understand is that we're all family. We really are. I mean so many of my fans are your fans. You have people that only like you. That's fine, right? But it's like we're all in the same pot, right? Yeah.

And so when we go out together, it makes sense. Also, we go out together it makes sense also we draw a draw out like there's people that really love tiger belly that might aren't familiar with you right but if we we were out together you would gain more fans because my people would look at you and vice versa it just it's it's great so when i open for tom i couldn't believe it like we're playing these stadiums like 15 000 seats or whatever. And I'm cold opening. And the lights would turn on, and they would say my name, and the place would erupt.

Wow. And I was just like, I couldn't believe it. I love it. I was like, what the fuck? It felt like I was Korean Elvis, man. That's what comedy has that it didn't have before. Yeah, it has that now. It has that now, that crossover thing of like they know theo vaughn

they know santino they know segura they know you they know bert they know everybody they know stav they know gillis yeah and it wasn't like that before you go i like seinfeld i like dave chapelle i like chris rock but it wasn't this family it's a family now last night shane gillis ran his hour me and andrew opened oh and when we walked out they didn't know we were going to be there and place went erupting. That's beautiful. It makes sense. We're all a family.

That's why I'm here. Yeah. You think I want to come here? I get it. I get it. See this fucking guy right here being this racist piece of shit

in the sky right here going, hi, hi, hi, hi, and all that stuff. North Koreans and stuff. You know what I mean? I came here because I want to see my brothers.

Here, here. It's great to see you always, man. Truly, you've always been a good dude. You are in a rare, sincere moment on this pod. You're a good dude. I love you, man. This is when the booze is kicking in. We did an episode before this.

Yeah, this ain't no fucking loaded. Hey, man, you're a good guy. I love you, man. You're a good man. No, that would be fun to do those types of gigs. Yeah, yeah. No, we should do it. Well, any version of it.

You know what I mean? It's like you guys should go out together, you two. We should. Probably should. I even did a couple. I did a few gigs with Adam Sandler. I opened those shows, and it was like I got messages like, holy shit, we did not expect this many abortion jokes on an Adam Sandler show. But then you get those people like, holy shit, I a fan of yours and you know i saw you here so you do get those like it is weird when that crossover works anywhere

yeah you know yeah but in the podcast world it's different because it's like we do each other's podcasts they they do expect it sometimes but i'm sure like to see you and but and santino on the on shane show was like an insane that's a's a great pop. But I think you're right, though. Seinfeld is now doing tours with Gaffigan. I don't know if you saw that. And then Sandler does Spade, Schneider, Apatow. That's the shows I did. Kevin James.

Kevin James. He was on that one, but one of the ones I did was like Apatow, Spade, Schneider hosts. Wow. But even then though Nick was on that one Nick's on some of them Okay But even then

When Bad Friends Was in Detroit Sandler called us And goes Come out And eat with us Whoa So me and Andrew

Went to go eat with Kevin James Is that right And all those guys But my point though Is that even they The ones that are like They know

They understand That this is now, you know what I mean? Like a lot of movements. I don't want to sound like that, but it is a thing. It's a thing. Right? And they can't ignore it almost. I love that. There's so many guys that like you would never used to even give me the time of day.

Yes. That are now like waving at me. You know what I mean? And I want to go, fuck you, piece of shit. But I go way back because I'm a coward. We have the internet to thank for that. Sandler's the nicest dude, though. that are now like waving at me you know i mean and i want to go fuck you piece of shit but i go way back because i'm a coward but we have the internet for that sandler is the nicest dude the nicest guy in the world he's class he's like the best dude he's fucking class man you know all the legends i've met in my life carlin i've met yeah class i'll tell you my carlin's where i was

um in the 90s i was back door at the Hollywood Comedy Store and I check ideas And one weekend he did a weekend there Wow and he came in and I was sitting there. I was so scared Cuz I'm yeah, I'm a fuck blow him. Yeah Like a little snake bite on his dick and he's like I need I would you know me I would Yeah, the blood emergency that's yeah not but I wouldn't like this guy I don't give a fuck you die I like you

but I'm just saying I'm not gonna suck your dick but my point is that's crazy the Korean no way but my point is is that

so Carling walks by me and he goes what's your name kid and I'm like Bobby Lee and he goes comic and I go

yeah and he goes cool and he did a set. A year later, I'm still working the back door, and he does The Weekend again. And he doesn't say hi to me. No, he does that. He walks up and he goes, Mr. Lee?

And he walked right past me. I mean, in his defense, pretty good odds with the lead. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a save. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a save. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a save. Forget about me. I met him, too.

He's a cool dude. He's a sweet guy, and he gave a fuck. Yeah, he gave a fuck, yeah. He said, Mr. Lee. Who are other, like, icons that you met that were, like, that dude's cool? I met Eddie Murphy. He's a nice guy. Oh, cool.

Yeah, I've met, I mean, I don't want to... There are some guys that are pieces of shit, too, though. Oh, yeah. And they're never as funny. What? I always find the meanest guys aren't as funny as the nice guys. We can bleep the name, but who's, like, a piece of shit? Well, I could cover my mouth and bleep it.

Yeah. I mean, either. He's just kind of like... I don't like him. Now you're being real? No, I'm a fan. No, he's talented I'm not saying that

He doesn't go down Some of these guys will They'll reach down And go talk to For me, it's like anyone that I see coming up That's good I'm always reaching my hand down I think you're doing great work

And I'm proud of you That's just the way it should work but there are certain guys that are older that just they just don't act like like i'll just say this now care like martin lawrence like i've opened up before he doesn't never talk to me before in my life right right i was in a green room with martin lawrence once and he was talking through his road manager and then giving me instructions. And he was, like, sitting right there. You know what I mean? That type of mentality.

It's like, you know, I've been around a lot of weird sorts, you know what I mean? Yeah. And, you know, back then, you know, they were, like, huge Hollywood famous guys, right? But I think in the age of the Internet, you can't have that kind of vibe right because it's like you never know you know i mean like this little north korean over here next year you know like he's the biggest violinist yeah you never know you never know right and you know and there's no the road is like it's ambiguous because it's like anyone can make it at any time i know you just got to be nice and you know i mean i'm nice to try to be nice to everybody.

I completely agree. And, you know, they're human beings, you know? Be considerate. That's true. That's true, too. It's not just because of YouTube. What? You could be just cool because it's the right thing to do.

Yeah, you just be nice. Yeah, yeah. But like. But you've always been cool. You've always been an easygoing dude. Yeah. I did a movie with. I was scared because I did a movie with like – sometimes you do movies with like real Hollywood people.

Oh, yeah. So I did a movie with Cate Blanchett and Jamie Lee Curtis and we were in Hungary for two months. Wow. Right? And I remember – this is unbelievable. I remember we were having lunch and like Cate's right here and Jamie Lee Curtis is right here. And I told a joke. I forgot what the joke was and everyone laughed

and then Kate kind of rubbed my back whoa right you know and I was like and you know as like a comic

you're like this is fucking cool right yeah but in my head I was like they're just cool right like if you know

I've done movies with stars that won't even talk to you yes but some cover your mouth who are they what oh look at that that's a great pic with Penn and Tell Like if, you know, I've done movies with stars that won't even talk to you. Yes. But some environments. Cover your mouth. Who are they? What?

Oh, look at that. That's a great pic with Penn and Teller. That was me and Jamie. Yeah. And we went to Burger King. What? Yeah, Jamie Lee Curtis was like, let's go to Burger King. She ate at Burger King?

Yeah. Damn. She's so cool. Great tits. And then they invited me to. I mean, I can't deny it. And then they invited me to... I mean, can't deny it. And then they invited me to a synagogue with a little hat. You know what I mean?

Oh, the yarmulke. Yeah, because, yeah. But it was like, it's cool. And then sometimes you do things and, you know, they're a little distant, but... Yeah. But Cate Blanchett's cool as shit. Oh, my God, dude. She's...

I think a lot of acting's bullshit, but when you're that good, there is a distance. I know. And she is that good. She's the best yeah great and also and she's still pretty hot sexy lady hot but she's also funny yeah like she says dark shit yeah oh i love that and you're like oh cool that was an angel i'm not that she did one but i'm just saying that yeah no no print that you heard it yeahate Blanchett did an age joke. No, no, she didn't. She walked on set. She's like, oh, hello. This chick's awesome.

She did it. She did it. She did it. You know what I mean? And then like- Cate Blanchett, a lot of- Wow, a lot of retard jokes, Cate. Jesus. Another guy I could work with that was cool was Ben Kingsley.

Oh, he's a beast. Like, he's just like the nicest guy, you know what I mean? Sexy beast. Sexy beast, yeah. You know what's great about us is that like when we're in those environments, don't you feel like we don't belong? I like it. There's a part of me that's like the nicest guy. Sexy bitch. Sexy bitch, yeah. You know what's great about us is that when we're in those environments, don't you feel like we don't belong? Of course, of course. Like this was a mistake.

Yes, I shouldn't be here. Yeah, but also it's like, you know what? Whatever. It's like we have our lane and then you get those weird opportunities and they're cool. Fuck yeah, man. We have our lane, don't we not? And they wish they could do what we do. They can't go on stage and kill for an hour it's a different thing i mean

it's a different thing but you're also there because like but they want to be us i'd rather be us than them i mean look they're they're millionaires and famous and all that but like i'd rather be a comic i like that i can dictate my own schedule my career and i can be like i feel like touring this time and just work i love that i love that i'm not waiting on someone to write me something yes yeah yes and audition and you can be you like if a joke bombs you can go well that bombed or hey fuck you man whatever they can't do any of that they're gonna stay in that little box exactly i have mad respect for ben kingsley i love it but but at the same time like i yeah i'd rather be a comedian i love comedy

easily i mean brad pitt i think wants to be a comedian you know he's a funny guy i've never met him but i i think that some of his performances are like very funny he understands comedy he does burn after reading he's insanely wrong that was the movie i was gonna bring up yeah there was a scene where he's like listening to music yeah in the car, and he was doing this weird thing. And there were really funny choices. And I'm like, dude, that guy is fucking funny. The fucking treadmill in that movie, right? So fucking funny.

That's an underrated Cone Brothers movie. I love that fucking movie. Great movie. Malkovich. That's a great fucking movie. I love the Cone Brothers shit. Yeah, there he goes. Me too.

Yeah. Dude, he's so funny in that movie. He's great. Clooney's funny in that shit, too. Yeah, he's funny, too. But I think that... But he's also a big comedy fan. Who, Brad?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. He loves Monty Python. Seguro played in L.A. He showed up. That's right. He loves Jim Jefferies. He did Dave.

He also did Dave. Oh, he was on Dave? Yeah, he just did Dave. Whoa. He did the whole episode. They all want to be funny. They all do. Have you seen him in Bullet Train?

No. I heard it's good. He was hilarious. Have you seen him in Bullet Train? No. I heard it's good. He was hilarious. Pretty good at Bullet Train. There you go. I didn't like that movie, but... Really? Did you like it?

I thought it was pretty funny. Yeah. It feels like a plane movie. Dude, I'm trying to watch fucking that white TV show that everyone's... What's that? It's called Yellowstones. You don't like it? Oh, that's white shit.

That's like redneck. I like it. I like the first couple of seasons, and then after that, I'm kind of like it. I'm watching the first, for the fourth time, trying to watch the first episode. But let me ask you something. Does it get good? Because it's about land and property. It's like, I don't know.

That show will turn you into a Republican. What? You watch it, and you're like, dude, they can't just take his land. That's his land. All right, all right, all right. He should have the whole state of Montana. That's fair. But is it good?

Does it get better? I think the first couple of seasons are good. I think it gets a little off the charts. The daughter is so over the top. Yeah, yeah. There's certain times I'm like, I mean, look, I love that you're naked and that you're hot and over the... But she's so over the top yeah there's certain times i'm like i mean look i love that you're naked and that you're and that you're hot and over the but like she's so over the top yeah i'm like it's not believable it's it to me it's like succession like violent dumbed down succession

oh that's what it is i love success i love succession do you see the last one yeah i haven't seen the last season oh i will i will are you a motherfucker i will i like the boys yeah the boys was fun i like the boys fun great severance i was a little slow for me i gotta give another shot i heard it's amazing great show severance okay everyone loves it yeah i like adam scott yeah he's great no that's the show I got. I started it, and I was drunk, and I was like, I need to pay attention for this show. Do you guys like horror movies? Not really, but if it's a good one, I'll watch it. What, you don't like horror movies?

There's no development. There's no character. What are you talking about? Give me a good horror movie to watch, and I'll watch it. What? Yeah, give me a good one. I'm sure I liked it. Hereditary.

That was great. I got to watch that. Great movie. I like that guy. That was great. Great movie, right? Terrifying. Terrifying. I'm sure I liked it. Hereditary. That was great. I've got to watch that. Great movie. You like that guy? That was great. Great movie, right? Terrifying. Terrifying.

I'm going to watch that. Tony Collette. Yeah, Tony. She's the best. But what's the name of the guy you've directed? I worked with her before. Really? Who directed that movie?

His name is, don't you tell me. Jewish guy. Yeah, Ari Aster. He's good. He's so good. How's Tony Collette? Is she cool? I've never met Tony.

I met with a girl. I think you said you worked with her. No, I worked with a girl. That girl right there. A dancing girl. I's so good. How is Toni Collette? Is she cool? I've never met Toni. I met her with a girl. I think you said you worked with her. No, I worked with a girl. That girl right there. A dancing girl. I worked with her. Yeah. Is that Toni Collette to you?

I thought you said Toni Collette. I fucked up. I pointed at the fucking phone. I never said Toni Collette. I made a mistake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel terrible. You fucked up, dude.

Fucked up bad. Get out of this business. But she's cool. But anyway, so Hereditary was good. How about this one? Have you seen this one? Let the Right this business. But she's cool. But anyway, so Hereditary was good. How about this one? Have you seen this one? Let the Right One In. Oh, great movie.

Well, then you like them. Well, I like a good one. I like a good one. Yeah, that's all I'm asking you. All right. Good ones. Okay. Do you see X?

Didn't like it. Really? I don't like sex. Oh, that's a... I don't like horror movies with sexuality in it. Oh, well, they all have sexuality. Well, not all, but 90%. Yeah, but you have old titties in it, too, right? Yeah. I don't like horror movies with sexuality in it. Oh, they all have sexuality. Well, not all, but 90%. Yeah, but you have old titties in it too, right?

Yeah, tits are weird. I would have thought you liked that because you do a podcast with one. No. Which is, you know, it's working out. It's working. It's good. I had a great time.

Yeah, that's a horror movie. I don't know how you do that shit. Doing a podcast with your ex, that's terrifying. But there's real love there, though, you know? You do love her. I'm in love with her, dude. Me too. Not in love, but I love her like...

I don't know why people don't fucking understand this. No, well, maybe it was... No, no, let me... Can I just say something, fuckface? Quit trying to bump him. What? Yeah, yeah, you're bumping me again you're bumping me again i like you now good callback so what i'm saying is is that i you know when you share a life with

somebody for 10 years and also you start a business with them which is tiger bell was a business right and uh you think so oh yeah it wasn't it wasn't. It wasn't. I mean, it's a very successful business. No, what I'm saying that I don't think is, you know, because I don't view relationships as just of a sexual contract with somebody. Right? It's a spiritual contract with somebody. It's an emotional contract with somebody. And you become friends with that person and you care about that person. So for me, it's like I can't understand why people think that it's weird that i'm doing a podcast still with somebody that i love well just going off of

things she might have done to you no i think bobby what i would say is i think people do understand you know i didn't know what else to do right so it's like i had to do that you know know what I mean? Because that's fighting words. Sorry. Sorry. You need, I think, time to heal sometimes. No? No.

No healing? What do you mean healing, dude? From a breakup. But you have to understand, it deteriorated over years. It wasn't an abrupt breakup, like out of nowhere. True. There were things that were not working for the last couple of years and it was sort of like you know i mean we could kind of see you know i mean the end but my point though is is like i got in a fight with comics that the

comics are like screaming match and we're like you know some of these fucking comics are like now once it's done it's done i don't even ever talk we wouldn't know we don't work there yeah yeah little bitch huh little bit my point though is is that because there are a lot of people online that give her a hard time no i would never they do they fucking they fucking rip on her online i'm tired of it that sucks i hate all the online ripping these nerds out there that's all they have they're not this is their soap opera yeah and it's like you know do we'll say what you have you can have your opinion but i'm just telling you that it hurts me i get it i hear that it fucking hurts me and and clearly you do love her and and you want in your life and they should accept that yeah i'll tell you another thing

friend okay yeah santino yeah right and i want to say this i don't want to get emotional but that Yeah, I'll tell you another thing, friend. Please, yeah. Santino. Yeah. Right? And I want to say this, and I don't want to get emotional, but that dude, right, has stood by me, right, during thick and thin, like a war, okay? I will never betray him. Ever. It's weird when people say that. Like, who is talking about betraying their friends? I know. I'm just telling you, because this is like games of thrones, man.

Well, you should see what he texts me. And I'm going to say this too, right? With you two right now? Yeah, sure. Never betray you. You won't betray us? Never. Really?

Right. I feel the same way about you, man. That's my point. That's why we have you on. We like you. We have no plans of betrayal. There are people on this podcast you don't like that much. Well, the bartender's right here but my point is is that like for me listen i want to say this too

man this is fucking real shit right here dude right my manager i could be with a big fancy colorful you know i mean energetic management company I could pick anyone I want and they would sign me, right? But I have the manager I have because this woman in the 90s, you know what I mean, pointed at me and goes, I believe in you. Wow. And I am going to stick by you. And during my successful time, I'm going to stick by her. I'm not with CAA because they're a big, shiny fucking agency.

They're pretty good. Matt Blake, I know they are. But Matt Blake, I was with when he was at the smaller ones. All right. And I traveled with him to see, hey, I just happened to be there because my guy- This is a great speech. Yeah, yeah. My guy-

Keep going. Keep going. Yeah, my guy, my guy, right? So I'm loyal. Yes. That's all I'm saying. Yes. And I'm loyal to Kalilah.

Hell yeah. That doesn't work. All right. Sorry. But yeah, go stick with Kalilah. You got a relationship. You got a contract. You got a friendship. Yeah, yeah. That doesn't work. All right. But yeah, go stick with Kalilah. You got a relationship. You got a contract. You got a friendship.

Yeah, yeah. Hang out. How do you do this? You got to hold it. Oh. Does it burn? No, you're good. Are you buzzed right now?

Yeah. Is that why you lit this? Yeah. This is our second episode today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I like these monologues you do. They're good. I mean, do you really? Yeah, they're great. They're so drinking. These monologues you do, they're good. I mean, they're great.

They're so dramatic. I mean, you say you don't watch Yellowstone, but this is very Yellowstone. A man only has his family and a man will stand by his family.

Yeah, you're right. I guess, you know, I just, you know, I feel things and I say it, you know? I love that about you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get emotional about it,

but it's like, you know, if there's going going to be a war i'm going to be with you there's no love that there's no work i know there's no war but that's my point by the way if there's a war and you're on our side we're losing this ain't what i mean well i can't fight with charlie or like a nom yeah we hid in the trees and we made tunnels i'm just saying if we're on the same side of a war, I don't feel good about our odds. What are we? None of us are fighters. How do you feel about the Vietnam War?

How do I feel about it? I think it was a waste of time. I think it's about time someone weighed in on this. But you know you lost, right? We lost. America lost. Oh, yeah. We did, yeah.

Not that I'm on the Vietnamese side, I'm just saying. We lost a lot of lives. It wasn't pretty. But you guys did good with the fucking Hiroshima. That was good. Mm- yeah. We did, yeah. Not that I'm on the Vietnamese side, I'm just saying. We lost a lot of lives. It wasn't pretty. But you guys did good with the fucking Hiroshima. That was good. Mm-hmm. That was... Oppenheimer in theaters soon.

Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah, Christopher Nolan. Yeah, that looks good. It looks great. I mean Oppenheimer too, Hiroshima, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm on screen for five seconds, but I do a real dramatic, whoa, you know what I mean, when the bomb hits.

You know what I mean? And my fucking, my nuclear shadow, dude. Well, you know what i mean when the bomb hits you know and my fucking my nuclear shadow dude well you know about so good i do like a nuclear shot like this and it goes under the fucking sidewalk dude imagine your nuclear shadows like if there was a fucking bomb that hit new york right now what would you do oh it'd be podcasting it'd be you would be well i mean we've been talking about stamps.com yeah right yeah i went to pompeii you've been to pompeii was it nice no it's not nice but it's still preserved in ash because they got lava all over whatever it was and this guy's jerking off seriously there's a dog like you know there's a lady like they have a whorehouse where the

guy's in bed waiting to get laid. It's crazy. The jerking off guy. That's got to be rough if that's like your family member. You're like, that was your dad. Yeah, yeah. No, but so they were petrified in ash. In ash.

And that's how fast the volcanic got to them? It dumped on them like this, like a rain. Oh, is that right? Yeah, so all the palmists, whatever it's called, flew up in the air and came down and smoked like this. Oh, my God. And it's still there after all these hundreds and hundreds of years. You can walk around and see a human being jerking off. He's doing this. Wow.

It's all like a black, just a human shape, like a silhouette. And when he goes to heaven, that's probably the fucking body tester he does when he's there, right? Imagine, and you're in heaven. Ah! And Jesus is there. You're Imagine, and you're in heaven. Ah! And Jesus is there. You're like, oh, my bad. Yeah. Right?

Whatever you're doing. Yeah. Oh, fuck, that's real. Yeah, see? He was contemplating what a 69 was. Yeah. Whoa, that looks like he was doing a Connie Chomsky shitting his pants. Yeah, it's a hell of a place.

Apparently in the movie, he says he really wants you to feel the nuke. And I'm like, I don't know what the fuck that means. But if you see that in IMAX, I bet that's some scary shit. Wait, what are you talking about? This? Nolan. Oh, Nolan. Nolan said that?

Yeah, he wants to feel very like. Oh, so they show the nuke in the thing. Oh, wow. So I can't be in Oppenheimer 2. It's in Oppenheimer 1. I fucking missed the casting on that. The nuke hits and they're just Americans dancing. It's just their shit.

Any tips? I've auditioned for 9,000 things, never got one. You get all these gigs acting-wise. So does Santino. Give me a tip. Wait, wait. Do you still audition now i'm back man who farts in the new tarantino movie yeah yeah yes all right i think this is what's

gonna happen for you dude all right it's just gonna happen what the hell does that mean what you're gonna get some what i'm saying is it's like don't think about it. It's just going to come around. Okay. Right? Because that's what has happened to me. There's years where I don't get an acting job. And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I'll just get a call, right? You just got to throw it out there that you want to do it on your podcast.

You want to be an actor, right? Well, then don't do that. Okay. I'd like to do voiceover. What? I'd like to do voiceover, like a Bob's Burger, a Simpsons, a Family Guy, something like that would be ideal. Or do what Bill Burr does. Oh, he made his own thing.

Like a month ago, Bill calls me and he goes, I'm doing a short. And he goes, I want you in it. So the next week, I'm in makeup and I'm doing a short with him. And he spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on a short. And he's got cranes and special effect and the cat was so impressed it was like a movie set yeah and bill burr's directing and give me notes and this and that and it's like in my mind i'm like oh you can just you know make shit yeah yeah you can write shit and make shit and put it out there that's the move because the industry is so slow. And I think we're moving faster than them. Podcasts, YouTube specials.

We're not going to wait. They're trying to figure out how to get here. Exactly. They're trying to get a piece of this. Oh, yeah. Right? Because we kind of... Come on, dude.

The kind of comedy we do, they can't put that shit on TV. Why not? Unless they're with Down syndrome. Why not? You know what I mean? They just won't do it. They're scared. They're all scared. They're scared. what do we do they can't put that shit on tv why less than with down syndrome like you know i mean they just won't do it they're scared they're scared yeah it's all off the boat or whatever the fuck or or uh mike and molly yeah but eastbound and down was a huge hit but i haven't seen that on tv but that's you know you know that's hbo right and um hbo is different that's

a little different but it's not they're also they're a little anomaly they're anomalies you know i mean but at the but network tv some of these screaming streaming things you know i mean it's all cookie cutter comedy and that's not the world that i want to live in no well that's why podcasts are so popular yeah so we're we're kind of taking up a section in people's minds. Oh, yeah. And people will listen to us and don't even watch TV. They don't even know what's out there. Right.

I mean, at work, they can listen to it. This is a great thing. You know what I mean? And, you know. I only watch TV like cable when I'm in a hotel. And it's just so much shit to sift through. And then if you do find something decent, it's 8,000 commercials. And you're like, oh, I'll just go back to YouTube.

People like the commercials so they don't have to invest i guess it's it's you're not investing in the show it's like it's an office rerun you're like i'll fold shit while i do this yeah right right oh so i saw a document i don't want to toot our own horns and maybe you have to cut this out but i knew i wanted to it a little bit you've been tuning all fucking podcasts. You piece of shit. Finally had a loud one. In a weird way, and this is going to sound gross, we might have to cut this out, but I saw a documentary called Meet Me in the Bathroom.

It was a book first. You know that book? No. It's about the strokes. It's about the New York in the 2000s music scene with the Yeah Yeah Yeah strokes, Interpol, and these bands, TV on the Radio, LCD Sound System. Sure. And there was just, in that time period, in New York, in the 2000s, that's where you wanted to be when you were, you know what I mean?

If you liked cool music. Yeah. There was a scene. And I feel like the same kind of things are happening with podcasting. I really do. I think 10 years from now, 15 years from now, somebody might do a documentary about the whole thing. That's how cool it is what we're doing. I mean, I don't want to say – saying it out loud is weird.

And now you can see that there are podcasts out there. I don't want to name names that that are weird what they talk about. Yes. And they want to bring us down. Right. And when you see that happening, there's something going on. Hear, hear.

Great point. That's a great point. I completely agree. We've got to be done, man. All right. Yeah, let's wrap it up. How long is this? This comes out July 4th.

This is our special July 4th, right? So is there any stuff? Yeah. Where are you and Andy going to be? Yeah, you want to plug? What are you going to do? You got some bad friends? You done?

I'm done. You're quitting the business. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No Connie Chung, no sketches, nothing. No road? What do you guys got? All right. A lot of shit, guys.

Yeah, bring it in. Do your dates over the violin wow it's beautiful uh what do i got uh montreal providence uh scroll down motherfucker uh i don't know northampton burlington i can't see shit albany bethlehem, York. Chicago should be on sale. New York next week. Announcement. Special New York announcement. Theater and MSG can't really say it yet, but I'm playing it, motherfucker.

So pay attention to my socials next week. Cleveland, Columbus, Pittsburgh. You see all this horse shit. You get it. I have some dates, actually. There we go. Bobby's got some dates. In the fall, me and Andrew are doing Denver.

We're doing Minnesota, Wisconsin, D.C. So we're going to do a fall tour of me and Andrew. Hell yeah. And what are you doing? He should have played that violin when he was telling his sad intervention story. All right. Taft Theater. I'll be in Louisville, San Diego, at the Balboa.

I can't read that. A bunch of theaters. Springfield, Missouri. Hershey, PA. D.C. Oklahoma City. Dallas. Portland.

Providence. Cleveland. Grand Rapids. Denver. Grand Junk. MarkNormanComedy.com. Check out the website. Get some Bodega Cat. I forgot Toronto, too. Samorell.com Check out the website Get some Bodega Cat

I forgot Toronto too Samorel.com slash shows Go Jays, Trudeau, Blackface Violin Guy, you want to say anything? Dory? He's good Beer Jew Beer Jew is the same place

Good room and say less And I'm finishing up the We Might Be Drunk Recipe book soon. We're going to try to put that out soon. I got the recipes ready. We're going to take photos soon, and then we'll get it out. So look out for it. You put the paper plane on the map and listen to Bad Friends

and Tiger Belly. Which is what I love. Thanks, Gotham Studios. Happy birthday, America. Sally, thanks for coming in. We'll see you all in hell comedy sunday's the day for my next bender a bit of peverac you know the beer juice close i've had a little too much bourbon and norman's talking shit about the fucking poke and i get down in the same way

And I get down in the same way. Above the roof like a cop's coming. And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way. We might be true.