We Might Be Drunk - Ep 135: Greg Warren

Episode Date: July 10, 2023

Greg Warren joins Mark Normand and Sam Morril on this episode of We Might Be Drunk podcast. A lot of great stories, laughs, jokes, and news to riff on. Check out Greg's Special "The Salesman" on YouTube: https://youtu.be/Up0ZM-qEuWw Find Liquid Death on Amazon or a retailer near you, and; take 20% off your 1st Liquid Death apparel purchase at https://www.liquiddeath.com/DRUNK Support the show and get 15% you first order with code DRUNK at https://www.shopduer.com Catch Mark Normand on tour: MarkNormandComedy.com  Catch Sam Morril on the road near you: SamMorril.com/Shows Grab Tickets to see Greg Warren: https://www.gregwarrencomedy.com/   Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/

Hey, folks, we might be drunk. Here we are. A little snafu. Sam has aged and became a non-Jew. You got goyed. Half. Oh, you're a half? Yeah.

Whoa! It's the wrong half. All right. Well, is it dad? Dad's Jewish. They don't count that, man. They don't count it. I'm just as Jewish as you are to them.

All right. Damn. Sorry. I like a little bit. Did you have to do the bar mitzvah and all that? Damn. I went to my cousin's. Okay.

Yeah. Because you couldn't be more Gentile. You think so i mean midwest honky wrestler cauliflower ear uh happy you know fun loving cool guy yeah you're you're a goy okay all right but you know you got your st louis shit on yeah yeah man yeah you got to represent we got got Jews in St. Louis. Oh, you do? Yeah, not a lot, but there's a district. Oh, yeah. The Jew area? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm from New Orleans. We got just a tiny little sect, and it's like this beautiful neighborhood, and they have a beautiful school, and everybody wants to get in. Same with St. Louis. It's nice. They're killing it, those Jews. Yeah. They really do it it's throw it fucks up the whole

minority uh argument because it's like we were marginalized and kicked out and oppressed and here we are killing it yeah and that's why everybody hates them i don't know if the orthodox really uh they're not helping the cause yeah that i i uh that's when I lived here was when I had the first interaction with the Orthodox Jews. Same. And it was interesting. Yeah. I think my favorite thing was I was like walking in Brooklyn one time. And they were in the, what's the, whatever they wear.

Yeah, like the black. Yeah, the suits. Yeah, there they are. Three of those guys. And they were playing basketball. What? Yeah. Yeah, in this. Yeah, there they are. Three of those guys, and they were playing basketball. What? Yeah, in this park in Brooklyn, and they sucked. Not a lot of dunking going on.

Yeah, there was no dunking. It was the first time in my life. I'm terrible at basketball. It was the first time I was like, I could take these guys. Damn, did you have to help them shoot because it was Saturday? You had to throw the ball for him? I can't touch the ball. Yeah, my first interaction with Orthodox was here as well.

I lived in Brooklyn in Crown Heights, which is a Jewish neighborhood. And I'd get drunk and come home at like four in the morning. And they'd be driving around in minivans doing who knows what. And they would go, you're on the wrong side you get in the van they thought i was jewish really i go i'm not jewish and they would slide that door close and peel out of there yeah that was it was ugly over there look at that there they go i see how much fun that is man they're having a good time they're all dressed the same though that would annoy me you want to have a little bit of your own individuality i bet you there's a flare

of something like a cufflink or something uh yeah i don't know maybe like a yankees yarmulke making your own a shoelace of some sort or uh you know yeah yeah i'm not seeing it but i bet you there's something it was also fun too, too, because my landlord was Jewish. Are you guys sitting down? Landlord was Jewish. But he couldn't talk to my girlfriend at the time because they're not allowed to talk to strange women. Yeah. And so he'd come into my house because I was like,

oh, the pipes burst. And he'd be like, okay. It's funny seeing an Orthodox guy with a tool belt, first of all. And he would come in and she'd be like, yeah, it's the one. And he's like, oh, that's pretty good. So I started doing it to her. So I would come home the next day and she's like, you didn't answer. But she hated it.

But we had a good time. I had the same like when I lived down in the Lower East Side, my neighbors were Muslim, you know. Yeah. And Muslim women are not supposed to make eye contact with unfamiliar men. Oh, really? Yeah, so we would pass in the hallway and she wouldn't look at me. But, I mean, you know, like, she really wouldn't look at me. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, like, she gave it a little bit. I think it was her way of saying, hey, even if I wasn't Muslim. You still have no chance. Damn, that sucks because all they have is the eyes, right? I mean, she had a burqa on, I assume. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's nowhere else to look. I think I saw maybe more than I should have.

Oh, really? Like nothing, you know. Like a hair wisp? Yeah, I think I saw at some point because you know you live in the same neighborhood there's gonna be everybody has a bad day sure sure well they they must uh you guys can relate on the bombing all right but oh wait a minute i think that was like they bomb you stand up and i stand up it was sorry i was i was slow on that yeah that was a bomb yeah man no i bombed plenty when i was living here yeah yeah we all did yeah but uh yeah yeah the muslim thing that's tough you know you can't i do you think there must be some fantasy like you're

this this cracker coming through the hallway and she's it's so forbidden that she must want to go down on you man i gotta tell you i like i didn't pick up on any fantasy okay like yeah yeah i it was quite the opposite all right i mean yeah i don't think there was that going on oh okay i would i'd like to believe that now yeah maybe i'm projecting because i've thought it about them and there's porn of his muslim porn uh with these women and they'll like take their burka off and start blowing a bunch of dudes. What? Oh, it's hot. But I think they're banned from their country now.

Are they actors? Well, they're porn actors. But I mean, are they real Muslim women? Well, they're Middle Eastern, but I don't know if they're actually Muslim. Probably not. But the Muslim, you know, empire, what do you call it, president, they hate it. Yeah, what do you call it?

I can imagine. The Shah? No. The Shah is. Persian? Imam. Imam? Imam, yeah.

Imam. Imam, they're the religious leaders, like priests or whatever. Okay, they don't like it. They don't like the porn. I would say most of them, yeah, don't care for it. I don't like the porn. I would say most of them. Yeah. Yeah. Don't care for it. I don't think they care for the gays either. No. They have a penalty for homosexuality in Afghanistan where they push a wall on you.

What? A giant wall on you. And if you survive, you can continue to live. But if you die, you die. Wait a minute. The punishment for homosexuality, they take a wall. Straight up wall. Just a wall like this. A brick wall, and they push it on you.

It's brick, though. Oh, no, it's cinder block. Whoa! Wow. Can I do my act in front of it? I'm used to being by brick walls. Yeah, wow. Smooshing a wall.

Wow. What is that going to do? If he survives, he's still gay. It's a horrible... i don't think so man you think it pushes it out yeah yeah i think it's uh yeah damn not outwardly i would say and look we have conversion therapy here which you know is obviously crazy but it ain't no wall we're doing better we're progressive yeah yeah walls don't work oh tell that to china great wall big wall there big wall great wall i wonder if they got

shit for building that wall you know people like this fucking president he's a oh yeah he's a racist were they uh were they keeping any i'm sure was was it the Mongols or something they were keeping out? Yeah, that was their Mexicans. Also, apparently it's built without any right angles. If you notice, it's wavy like this. Because spirits can pass through right angle walls, but they can't pass through a wall like this. Ah, that's convenient. Wow.

What asshole came up with that? You know, he's like, now we got to curve the wall because of your dumb ideology. Yeah, can you think of the brick layers that we're dealing with? Oh, my God. Have you been to the wall? The Great Wall? No. I've been to the gay thing, but...

I forgot you went there on spring break. Yeah. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, no, they put me in front of it. Do you think they call the wall the grinder? Oh. All right. Sorry.

But I've been to the Great Wall in China, and it's fucking amazing. It's incredible they built it that big back then. Just guys putting stones. No machinery. No bobcat. No bulldoze. Just hand-on-hand action. Insane. no bobcat no bulldoze just hand on hand action insane and you can see it from outer space is that true or is that a is that a thing i think that's true yeah or is that an old i think i've

seen both sides of that where it's like it's true and then i was like yeah you really can't oh wait a minute yeah false here oh shit there it is there it is. There it is. I walked on that. You. Uh-oh. Here we go. Mythbusters coming at you. The Great Wall of China is not visible to the eye. Oh. Yeah.

Man, those jerks ruined a lot of fun, didn't they? They really did. Yeah. Those Mythbusters. Damn. Pop rocks and soda won't kill you, apparently. Okay. So. Hey, man kill you, apparently. Okay. Hey, man.

Hey, there we go. You've been replaced by the Gentiles. No, I mean, you guys can switch and swap. Switch and swap. There we go. Good to see you. Hey, all right. Oh, yeah, I really picked the wrong shirt to come in a cranky mood today.

This is the wrong shirt to have a meltdown in on the subway. It wouldn't move. Mark has a subway story from today as well. Oh, the train just wouldn't move. I was stuck for a while. You know I'm never late. I'm usually like 15 early. Punctuality is important to me.

Was it the A? It was the A. Or the C? Or the N? Oh, interesting. Okay. What happened to you? I was on the C, and a guy had a knife, and the cops were like, put it down, you? I saw, I was on the sea And a guy had a knife And the cops were like

Put it down, put it down So I jumped on the A Damn, that really pisses me He took all my thunder No, no I came in at a moon He has got a better story Tell your little subway story

Yeah Was there a knife? Was there a knife? Well, there we were Sitting there We weren't moving at all No, that's crazy A knife? Yeah, yeah Well, it wasn't that crazy sitting there. They weren't moving at all. No, that's crazy.

A knife? Yeah, yeah. Well, it wasn't that crazy because the cops were terrified. They had hands on the guns, but the guy goes, just take it, take the knife, and he just dropped it. Were there any Marines on board?

No, no. Too soon, too soon. I liked it. All right. Do we have a bartender today? No, what would you like? I need something after that. After 15 minutes of waiting.

Get the man a bodega and soda. I'll do something. Dude, by the way, the special's amazing. Oh, thanks, man. You're such a great comic. Watch Greg Bourne's new special. It's our second Nate Land produced special. Oh, yeah, it was Mike in here?

Yeah, Mike's was so good, man. So good. I loved it. I watched it when they? Yeah, Mike's was so good, man. So good. I loved it. I watched it when they premiered it. It was so great. Dude, so many just good. It's just so tight. It's special.

Oh, thanks, buddy. Thanks. I really appreciate you watching it, man. Thanks. It's so good. And also, Freddie DeMarco is a dude. Oh, yeah, man. That's so cool. Here's a story about a guy, Freddie DeMarco, who I met in Missouri.

Oh, weird. Took me to a Mizzou game. Yeah, this goes way back. Because Sam, I think it was like early in your career. Yeah. And you were like, hey, man, I'm doing Conan. And I really don't have any clubs to go. I want to promote a club.

And I'm real close to that club. Yeah. So I called him. And I was like, hey, get Sam. And they were like, yeah, yeah. They knew who you were. They were like, yeah, yeah. So Sam goes there.

And he calls me. And he's like, is there anything I should do when I'm in a college town? I'm like, well, have you ever been to a college football game, like a big college? And he's like, no. So Freddy's this guy that used to own the club, and he took Sam to it. He's a character, man.

Hell yeah. A character, Italian guy that lives in the middle of Missouri and stuff. Hey, Craig, what are you doing, man? You're busting my boy. He loves Sam, too, man. We had fun. He's a great guy. I was like, hey, this guy Sam. I know that guy, man. He's real funny, man.

He's real dark, man, but I love this kid, man. Tell him I'll take him to a game, man. Hell yeah. The stories in the special are so good, man. It's just like out of the gate. I love when in the first minute and a half it's just like out of the gate like i love when in the first minute and a half it's just like bam bam bam yeah is your is your white knight that's not st louis is it that was cleveland cleveland okay yeah yeah st louis is a wild town man first of

all that that funny bone there oh yeah bananas well there used to be that the other one too next to the bird and the gun store. Oh, that. I never even. Yeah, Valley Park. That was like my whole time in New York, so I never worked it. Barely ever went there. Now there's another one, but it's in a different area. It's kind of nice. Those are like classic.

Classic. Can you still smoke cigarettes in that room? No. I mean, the staff does. I think they just cut it off like three years ago. Yeah, they were the last they were the last to do it so you can't

but um yeah it's a throwback man it's just uh you know it's it's I mean those people are like my family that run that club

the guy in the wheelchair at the door whatever his Dan was a ball buster that guy he's got so many of those things where you think

I'm doing a bit you know like just for example like somebody called the comedy club one day and uh they want to know if the comedian was blue and and dan said the headliner is african-american and the feature act is white i know that that sounds like i'm making a bit up, but I'm not. But he was serious. He was completely serious. And he's worked at a comedy club for 15 years. And he didn't know the terminology blue.

Then they had that waitress there, the blonde lady. She was older. Patty. She had the Bob hairdo. And she's counting money. She's like my sister, man. She was so cool. And I'm drinking.

Just the clubs go over. They're counting money she's smoking and she's like i saw seinfeld in 88 he sucked then and he sucks now patty patty i mean this is this woman is like my sister man i've known her forever but she kind of judges a comic by how much she rang and that's it like like it's like i'm not so sure she did she's funny too she's very funny and but she listens to jokes but i mean she's heavily influenced by like yeah yeah that was uh bill hicks and we didn't we didn't ring very good i was just talking to our buddy ron on about like how well Bill Hicks, his shit holds up. Oh yeah.

It's like better than ever. It's kind of great. Like some of Carlin, I love George Carlin, some of Carlin stuff. It's either amazing or it's just like kind of weird. Yeah. Like Hicks,

it's kind of like all, even the shit where he's just bombing that flying saucer tour. Oh yeah. He's just bombing with his heady material. Yeah. In like Alabama. I know. It's kind of amazing.

I saw him live one time in a club, man. Where? In Houston, where he's from. Oh, the laugh stop? Yeah. No, you're not drinking with me? I'll have a drink. We're doing a couple of drinks.

Ah, sorry, man. All right, Mark. I'll do one, but Salak is famous for his horrific cocktail. Well, these are bottled drinks, thankfully. All right. Thanks, Skipper. You got to put more ice in that, Gilligan. What are you doing?

What the hell? Come on. Jesus Christ. Cosby? How about just a ton of ice and a little bit of bourbon? Really? Okay. Have a give him some bodega cat.

What's that? Here's our whiskey. Oh, it's yours? Yeah. Mark and I made a whiskey. We got a little fuzz on you. I got you. Yeah.

What are we seeing? Hicks. Oh, yeah man what year was this this was uh probably 91 oh wow and i was doing open mic in houston it's they sent me down there to that's what that's special i just sold potato chips and and peanut butter and it was my first job oh wow houston texas and i was doing uh i went to do open mics and uh it was ralphie may was doing open mics at the time wow and i didn't know anything about comedy you're the only survivor from this yeah exactly man now that i think of it there's a lot of guys robert schimmel was there and uh patrice o'neill greg geraldo so i'm like jordan neely and i when i when i was growing up I didn't know much stand-up. I just didn't.

I was real into movies and Saturday Night Live. Who was your SNL people that you loved? Belushi and, I mean, Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy was the first stand-up that I really heard and was like, oh, my God, that's insane. He changed the game. But I was there, and so I didn't know who was who. And Ralphie wasie was like hey this guy we were at open mic and ralphie's like this guy's in town this weekend he's like from here he's a legend you gotta go see him so me and my

buddy monty kilburn just went and watched him and i sat in the back and it's still one of the funniest shows i've ever seen and it was not it's funny because hicks the way all his albums are it's very political and very like slanted and you're like silly still that's what I love about that's he was all silly in that show like all I just man he told this bit about I gotta can't like like asking him he talked about his dad a lot he told this bit about you know asking about some guys who whenever he asked somebody about how they're doing they're dead i can't remember what he's like hey how's your dad he's like oh man like yeah but it was it was so great and he

came out to music which i'd never seen before it's like this really cool like alt rock song and i was this is this guy is a badass wow yeah he how'd he ring that weekend huh how'd he ring patty said he's not good you know yeah did he was he? Was it a big venue you saw him in? No, it was a laugh stop, man, which was before you guys' time. But, you know, 250-seat club. I think he was, yeah, yeah, man. Jeez. Hey.

And go and watch Greg's special right after watching this. It really is killer. Killer. That peanut butter bit about the oil on top. Oh, my God. How has no one done that fucking bit? I know. I've hated that my whole life.

I'll tell you how they haven't, Sam. They didn't sell peanut butter for 10 years, man. I paid for that bit. But we've all seen the liquid on top, and we're like, what the fuck? Yes, and hated it. You didn't live it, though, man. I had to go against those guys, man. But wait a minute so i eat peanut butter

every day i'm hooked on peanut yeah i love peanut butter what kind do you do i just do the shit i do jif and yeah what do you wait whoa whoa whoa did you just say jif well i didn't want you guys to judge me with some organic horse shit i do the the you know the jif is the jif is there's it's a great peanut butter man choosy mom yeah there you go it's, it's a great peanut butter, man. Choosy moms. Yeah, there you go. It's not, it's a superior. It's got a little molasses in there. It's my go-to. No, it's my, I mean, you shit on Chunky.

Chunky is my favorite. I did not shit on Chunky. But you said that they're over, the Creamy's better. I think that I've always felt that there was. I'm a Creamy man myself. You're Creamy too? I'm Creamy all day. I don't want crunch.

Well, Creamy's four to one, guys. Yeah. Is it? I mean, these are 2001 numbers, so I would imagine. He's got the books. I imagine it still holds up. That was one of the first. You know when you're young and you have the jokes that you repeat?

Remember Snaps? Those books of insults? I remember the one where you say to a kid in school, you'd be in first or second grade, you'd be like, dude, your mom's legs are like peanut butter, smooth and easy to spread. That was a big one. That's a great joke. My moms are like peanut butter, smooth and easy to spread. That was a big one. That's a great joke. I was. My mom's are like, they're crunchy.

I think I got most of mine from like Fat Albert. Oh, yeah. You're like school in the summertime. No class. Hey, well, your mom's so fat when she sits around the house. She really sits around the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your mom's so dumb when I said, around the house, she really sits around the house. Your mom's so dumb, when I said, it's chilly outside, she got a bowl.

She's so fat, when she put on high heels, she struck oil. Yeah. You know what was a classic? Your mom's so old, she doesn't have milk in her tit. She's got sour cream. Oh, I never heard that one. That was a good one. Damn. Snaps.

Yeah. Your mom's so fat, she uses the equator as a belt. When I was a kid, that's what I thought adults did. They stood around. They're like, come here. Gather around. Yeah, yeah. Poker table, cigars.

What a disappointment, man. Let me tell you something about your mom. Your mom's so old, when God said, let there be light, she flipped the switch. All right. I know them all. I remember that classic scene in Nutty Professor, speaking to Eddie Murphy. They're just doing that back and forth. And the whole Chappelle, like, should I get him?

Should I really get him? He stole that. And the scene where he's egging him on, Eddie Murphy's like, you the man, Reggie. That movie is so fun. Yeah, man. It's Women Be Shopping. That's where Women Be Shopping comes from. Women Be so fun. Yeah, man. It's Women Be Shopping. That's where Women Be Shopping is from.

Women Be Shopping. Women Be Shopping. Women Be. Oh, yeah. Can you imagine being a young Dave Chappelle killing that heart in front of Eddie Murphy?

Imagine being that funny in front of this huge legend. By the way, Jada Pinkett sitting right next to him, her man's being insulted. She doesn't do shit. Oh.

What? She had hair. shit. Oh. What? She had hair. That's her. What? Here we go. Can we play this, Matt? This is so, man, young Chappelle. Look at the energy. Women do shop. Women do shop.

Women do shop. It's true. Women do shop. She's unbelievable. Look at this. Look like a handful of curly fries. She slapped him She's fucked up when you realize Chappelle's a better high energy comic Than most comics

Better low energy comic All I'm thinking about is all the clips he's getting You think it was like one guy Dave was channeling when he did this There's a couple BET guys in here You think it was like one guy Dave was channeling when he did this? Oh, yeah. There's a couple of BET guys in here. What's the possible direction here for Chappelle? Look at the dance.

I think they just let him go. Excuse me. Oh, no. He's going to get him. It's a fool to like. I think I found what I need, Jimmy Hoffa. That was kind of smart God Eddie Murphy's good Yeah that's a good one there You know what the crazy thing about that movie

Is that Eddie Murphy plays like seven different characters. And they all have depth. I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the mom is like a real human. The dad is like, they're all real people. It's a grandmother. The Coming to America characters were pretty good too, man.

The barbershop, the Jewish guy. He also played the singer in that church thing. Amazing. That was Arsenio, I think. Was that Arsenio? I think that was Arsenio. I think that was Murphy. I don't think so. The What's Going Down episode of That's My Mama guy?

Yeah, with Jerry Curl. Yeah, that guy. Sexual Chocolate. That's Eddie Murphy. No, that's... I think that's Eddie. That's got to be Eddie. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it is. Well, he's also got a good voice. Yeah. I mean, he's got that hit song. Oh, man. That album. Quincy Jones just made him an album. I guess you just couldn't say no to Eddie Murphy in the 80s.

No, no. This is the one song. He's like, just make me an album. He's like, fine. Well, there was Put It In The Butt. Put a bone in your butt. Or put a microphone in your butt. Or put me in your butt. Or put a microphone in your butt. Or put me in your butt.

Or put a bumblebee. So there's that one. But then My Girl Likes to Party All the Time is like a hit. Really? My Girl Likes to Party All the Time. I'll pull up My Girl. Are we allowed to play any of this, Peters? The song is a good song.

You got to go quick. I bet you My Girl Likes to Party All the Time charted top. I don't know the song at all. It was easily top five. Really? I don't know this song at all. It was easily top five. Really? You know it. Is that Rick James? I guess he was robbed of an Oscar for Dreamgirls.

He should have won for that. Yeah, he was pissed about that, too. He was amazing in that. Yeah, but you can't just expect awards if you're a comedian. Well, they gave Rodney a record, too. Don't forget. Oh, my God. Rapping Rodney?

I think it's up here somewhere Rappin' Rodney oh it's over there yeah there it is we gotta get Hedberg oh there he is he's on the wall oh man

Rappin' Rodney he's already funny what's the matter Rodney death where is my sting death where is my sting As a kid, you're laughing at this, but he's like, I hope I die. Yeah, yeah, right. That's crazy. But I found this shit hilarious.

You see you got Hedberg on the wall? Yeah, there he is on our death wall here. Oh, man. Oh, yeah, you're next. It's not that long now i uh i did i got to work with him early on open form like three or four how was that it was great man he was so cool do that and that guy loved comics and he he tipped me one time as a feature like lynn his wife at the end of the week was like she was like hey mitch wanted you to have this you know it's like 100

bucks when you're yeah feature act, man. It's huge. I saw him. What else? You know what's the big deal when a guy who's got a debilitating drug problem is giving out money? Oh, man. Good point.

That's a good dude. I mean, he was, God, this story. I feel like this isn't my story to tell, but I'm telling it, man. Yeah. This is a play. This is not my story, man. Henry Phillips told me this story. Oh, he's funny.

This is not my story, man. Henry Phillips told me this story. Oh, he's funny. He said back towards the end, Mitch and Lynn were living off the grid. And Mitch was huge. And he was making a bunch of cash. He was sweet every time I saw him. He was just generous and nice.

Was he in a van, a trailer? No, I think they just, I don't know that. I mean, they just stayed in hotels. Oh, I see. They were just going hotel to hotel. He lived in a Chelsea hotel for a while. What? I stayed there one time, man. What?

I stayed in his room. What? I was like still selling peanut butter in Houston, and he was friends with my buddy Brian Hersey. He's a comic. And him and Hersey were tight, and we came up to New York, and Mitch was on the road, and we just came to see what New Yorkork was like and uh we stayed in his place and i remember like he had like a calendar there

and he had like letterman on that like he wrote letterman it was so cool to see that's incredible so yeah we stayed at mitch's in the chelsea hotel and uh i still we didn't know like we didn't know anything about comedy you know we just we We just both opened micers or whatever. And we came and we- And when you say stayed, did you just have a huge room or something? It was like a hotel. One guy slept on the bed, I slept on the floor or something. But we just came in.

It was my first time in New York, I think, as an adult. And then we went to the comic strip and Atel was there. And we had met atel before because he worked at a laugh stop down there and he was like we just sort of sit in the bar and atel's like hey why don't you guys go pick yourselves a spot out you know like just making fun of us that we had no idea so uh so anyways this so mitch is living off the grid kind of and just has cash he didn't have credit cards back then just, and he had a lot of cash. Mitch was making huge money. Huge money.

And, so they go to this hotel and the guy goes, I need a credit card. And Mitch goes, I don't have a credit card. And the guy's like, well,

I need a credit card. And Mitch like pulls out a giant thing of cash. He's like, no man, like here, this is a cover, cover it times 10. Yeah.

And the guy's like, I still need a credit card. And Mitch goes goes this is how mitch's mind work he goes hey man no man this this is what the credit card represents check this out check this out he goes he goes so mitch that would be like if you hired a frank sinatra impersonator and frank sinatra showed up and you were like no man we hired the impersonator which is like is that the greatest bit? And that wasn't even his act.

That's just the way his mind works, man. I was like, that bit is better than anything I've thought of. He said, give me your receipt and file it under D for donut. D for donut. Wow. File it under D. That's incredible. Yeah, yeah.

Damn, that is, that's a bit. That's amazing. Oh, it's a great bit, man. It's like everything that I would want out of a bit. Yeah, and it's so Yeah, yeah. Damn, that is, that's a bit. That's amazing. Oh, it's a great bit, man. It's like everything that I would want out of a bit. Yeah, and it's so him, too. I always think Hedberg would have been so good at Twitter. Oh, my God. Because you would have read everything in his voice,

and it would have been, like, perfect. Yeah. He biz Twitter. Yeah, that's his whole act. Yeah. I'm hungry for rice. What do you want? 10,000 or something, or whatever.

That's a perfect tweet. My favorite one was always the one where he goes, I like to, I sit around, and I think of stuff that's funny or if it's of a pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought was not funny. Yeah. Yeah. It's a great show.

Or what's the other, uh, you can't please all the people all the time, but, and last night all those people, that's like fucking perfect. Yeah. He said something one time.

He's like, uh, you know, I always like, if you want to, if you want you know i always like if you want to if you want to buy something after if you want to talk to me after the show i would be shocked he had a million of them yeah i'm against picketing but i don't know how to show it i mean that's like brilliant i think my favorite was the guy that uh he was playing his music

really loud and his neighbor started beating on the wall. Oh, yeah. And Mitch goes, go around. I cannot open the wall. Do you know who the guy in that story is? No. Nick DiPaolo. No way.

Really? They were living in L.A. That makes it even more amazing. I know. His neighbor's that angry. Them together is like a sitcom. Oh, yeah, man. I would watch every episode of that sitcom

you told me a story i don't know was it you told me the the uh ron white story oh yeah another one that's not my story but yeah but it's like the most insane story this is like comics on the road people don't know that we stay in like comedy condos yeah yeah but this is i mean ron is a legend ron is another guy that is insanely cool he was nice he was god i remember one time he was like i had when i was living in la i had like a showcase at the hollywood improv which that it was just never a good crowd it was always industry there did you really yeah i was like they threw. It wasn't like, they were nice enough to even throw me on. The woman who books their readers is like the coolest. Oh, she's so nice.

And yeah, they threw me on. I went on first. The host kind of ate it. And then I was kind of like, well, I guess I'm hosting. You know, so I went up and yeah, it just was work. It wasn't like a hard bomb, but it wasn't pretty. Yeah, it's a real epidemic with these bad hosts. That's a problem.

I blame them, too. Well, they're putting the worst comic as host, because I don't think people want to host. So then as the first guy, you eat your own lunch up there. There's good hosts in New York. But yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah, I got to be honest. I didn't always like following those guys either, man. That's a whole different bag of hammers.

Yeah. Yeah, like Artie at the cellar just killing. And I'd be like oh no man right so much energy different energy yeah yeah all right sorry ron white oh ron white yeah so ron yeah yeah just i was i was doing some showcase and ron and ron was big at the time man i met him doing something and uh we did the road together and uh he like went and sat like in the show and laughed at every one of my dumb jokes which you know when you're like i was like insecure and like i gotta impress the industry i gotta get this tv show or whatever i was trying to get so sweet and ron was just there just like yeah you

know um but yeah the story is i think this was in columbus and it was at a condo and it was like Ron and some guy that was real green on the road this guy real real green act kind of straight arrow type of guy and the headliner was African American and the future was white so Ron

this kid has like some orange juice okay and he puts it in the refrigerator and Ron Ron goes out This kid has some orange juice, okay? And he puts it in the refrigerator. And Ron goes out and does, you know, I've never done drugs, man. I don't even know what, like, but Ron goes out and he brings back a bunch of acid. Oh, wow. People give him some acid and he puts it in the orange juice. Oh, shit.

And the kid wakes up the next morning and he drinks like half the pitcher of orange juice. And Ron stumbles out in the scene. He goes, buddy, you just did about five hits of acid. Oh, shit. And this kid freaks out. He's like, no, no, man. I don't do drugs, man. I don't do drugs.

What's going to happen? What's going to happen? Ron grabs the pitcher, drinks the rest, and goes, I don't know, buddy, but I'm going to be right there with you. And that kid was Ari Shaffir. Wow. You have to get revenge on everyone. That is a crazy story. That's what's so great about Ron is because you think these blue-collar comedy tour,

Jeff Fox, were they Bill Engvall? They're all kind of these clean-cut guys, but Ron's an animal. We brought booze bags, smoking and drug yeah yeah always when i was when i was in the condo with him man it was just he was either eating chicken wings or drinking or you know or high or doing something and i remember this was when he was just about to break like he had done blue collar yeah they filmed it but it wasn't out yet. But he knew it was going to pop. He knew it was on to something. I love it.

So we're in Tulsa at the Tulsa Comedy Club, and it's like one of my first weeks on the road. And the place is trashed. It's just trashed, man. And I'm like, Ron doesn't care. But I'm like, man, I have to come back here. This is going to come back on me. So I'm cleaning up all this stuff,

and I see Ron's check balled up in the corner he just forgot his check and it was like it was like like he forgot it jesus christ i still remember it was for like 2500 ron was working at a club for 2500 and i remember i he had given me yeah i he'd given me his uh his number and i like, hey, man, you left your check. He's like, yeah, buddy, you're going to have to send that to me. Damn. These comics are so unorganized, you know, me included. You know, like Norm couldn't drive.

Nobody knows how to deposit a check. Yeah, not being able to drive. That's pathetic. I mean, who can't drive? Well, at least you're in a city with transportation. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. But, you know, a city with transportation. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. But, you know, Nate can barely read.

Everybody's got – we all got issues. I can barely book a flight, you know. You gave yourself the nicest one there, though. Well, I had to throw myself in there. Joe's got herpes. You're bending yourself down everybody's level. I can't book a flight. Joe has herpes.

A friend of ours has AIDS Greg's homophobic so what you said about Ron laughing at your set it's so interesting

because that shit goes such a long way when you're a young comic I remember doing a festival in Jamestown New York and I was in like the Copa Cabana room

it's the Lucy Fest and Regan comes in Brian Regan and I just and I'm like. And Regan comes in, Brian Regan. And I'm like, in my head, I'm like, fuck Brian Regan. I see him in the corner of my eye. So I'm just like, look away. And I kind of peek back.

He's laughing. I'm like, holy. That moment as a young comic, you're like, holy shit. You'll never forget that, man. Totally. That guy's another prince of a guy. We were supposed to have him on here a couple of times. But just travel shit didn't work out.

Fun Regan. This is how nice Regan is somebody dropped out his opener dropped out so his agent calls me and they're like hey i heard about you we need an opener tomorrow asap will fly you out can you work clean i was like yeah he goes can you be clean though and i was like hey i can be clean he goes send me a clean tape so i sent him a tonight show tape this is years ago and he writes he calls me back he's like are you fucking kidding me i said clean you're talking about gay people you're talking i'm like it's clean though he's my roommate he was gay like he's like you're talking about this you use innuendo and i'm like okay the guy kind of went hard on me oh really i was like geez and he hung up in the bed yeah yeah and i was like jesus christ all right lost that gig tried to send him a clean tape whatever

two days later regan calls me and goes hey i just talked to my agent i heard what he did i watched the tape it was hilarious fuck that guy don't listen to him uh hope hope to meet you one day or whatever and i was like oh my god he didn't have to do that but he called me just because he knew his agent was a cunt no he's a he's a great guy man yeah I can't wait to get him on cuz he drinks we'll have it oh yeah he's fun he came to the show at Irvine we and he was like one of the first comics to drink it so I was like oh yeah I'll put him back I uh one time I it was it was especially came out and as an, I was reading the comments.

Somebody's like, this is a Brian Regan bit. And I just went white with fear. I'm like, oh, no. Yeah, of course. Oh, no. And so I don't know him that well. I know his brother really well. Well, he sold peanut butter for years.

You know what? He's got a bit about peanut butter and jelly, the goober thing. Oh, that's a great bit. I stayed away from that. I always get people, because I'm doing 20 minutes on Peanut Butter, they're like, what about Goobers? I'm like, I can't talk about it. Don't do Goobers.

Dennis is a very funny comic as well. Dennis is great. So I'm freaking out that I stole one of Brian Regan's bits. And I get his email, and I send him an email. And he calls me. He just calls me. I was at lunch with some comics, and he calls me. And I'm like he goes

where are you right now I go I'm at lunch in St. Louis he's like man I thought you'd be in San Quentin with the

you know how much of a thief you are and he goes dude I don't have any material anything remotely

like that you're fine like what a guy I always get nervous for some reason nick griffin is always like one of the first guys i need to because he does so many just short relationship jokes i'm always no but he's always yeah he's i i get so many great great jokes yeah

and there's some of them are so effortless but there's a lot of effort in it so it's yeah well they seem effortless yeah they seem effortless so you think it's like something you could just through osmosis. Dennis has got a bit where he says, it's one of my favorite things. He like did it in the green room in Dallas one time. He goes, yeah, man, I was at this party with my wife. She drugged me too. And she goes, this guy was there, man.

He's one of those guys. I didn't like him. He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. People either love me or they hate me. And he goes, yeah, I bet yeah. People either love me or they hate me. And he goes, yeah. I bet it's not 50-50. Those quick jokes. I mean, Nick has so many of those, too.

Nick has one where he goes, my wife and I, we got divorced. We were supposed to be together until two years. We were supposed to be together until death. I never even got a cold. That's a great fucking joke. He's got a million of them. With Brad Pitt. That's what I was thinking.

He's like, no. Go watch any Nick Griffin Letterman set. He's got a new special coming out, so we've got to get him on. All bangers. Letterman sets are a lesson. It's a master class. How to do a late night set, man.

Totally. I wonder if young comics even think about that shit anymore. Do you think they even? And they probably shouldn't. Yeah. But you know what? Those are clips, right? I mean, you're getting clips, but.

It's five minutes of clips, basically. Yeah, but Nick Griffin Letterman sets are like, to me, a master class. Yeah. Easily. So good. So relatable. Clean. But you don't notice it's clean.'re clean yeah so but there's a bite and there's like yes yeah i hope like same with like a guy like ryan hamilton he's clean but there's like an edge to it oh yeah like i was watching

him last night there's an edge to what he's saying he's great yeah he's he's i was listening to your guys podcast hamilton can dance oh my god really he's good cuts a rug out there i've seen him at weddings he they the floor opens up for him everybody backs out oh shit he's going he whips the jacket off he's doing all this shit really oh my god i saw stone at and stone and his wife at uh list wedding he was he was doing pretty good i think hamilton was dancing at that wedding. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's where I saw it.

It's funny you talk about that blue-collar comedy tour thing because Norman sends me a thing this weekend. I'm on the road, and Norman sends me a thing, and it was of me, List, and Mark. We tried to sell a special years ago. To Quibi? Oh, my God. Was that who?

No, we got an offer from Quibi. Okay, okay. That was the only place we got an offer from Quibi. Okay, okay. That was the only place we got an offer was Quibi. Where are they now? God, can you think how big that special would be right now? Well, I mean, I think there was some inspiration from the Blue Collar Tour. We were like, these are a bunch of dudes. I think the difference is they were so different, and Mark, Joe, and I were just joke guys.

So our theme was like, it was just called Jokes, just called jokes jokes jokes and it was us just doing 20 minutes each like bang bang bang we shot a trailer and everything I forgot we did this oh yeah sends it to me we'll play it we'll play the trailer on a future episode for you guys it's pretty it's pretty good patreon yeah it's a good one uh but it's crazy to look at like like holy shit we were trying to sell it together yeah Yeah. And we just like. And nobody would touch us. I remember at the time, I knew Sandler a little bit and I asked him if he would help. Oh, that's right.

And he did. And Netflix was still like, no. And they still said no. They said no to Sandler? Well, I mean, they said no to us, not to Sandler. He was being, he's the nicest dude in the world. Really? Yeah, he really is.

And he was trying to help us. But, you know, I think it was just, for them at the time, made no sense. Yeah, it's three whitey. You know, we weren't, we had no juice. It wasn't very appealing for the industry. But it was like, it was a funny thing to look back. I was like, man, it's like fun. Even when you don't sell shit, it is kind of fun to make shit together.

Yeah. I got all these like sketches that me and Henry Phillips andillips and uh oh put them up chad daniels nikki glazer was nikki was like a kid like almost she was like in college still drinking uh yeah yeah she was back then yeah i mean they were somewhat man some of the henry henry's a really good actor all those guys great actor great comic funny jamie liso was in it wow yeah it's pretty good st louis is a crazy alumni is liso from st louis no i just it was uh but it's like you nicky tommy john again john again yeah but i i had just like uh nick vader out from st louis as well nick vader out is no pete's wisconsin yeah uh don't don't lump us mid Midwestern. Sorry, sorry. That's like almost death time, baby.

Liquid death, mountain water, flavored sparkling water. I love that lime. I think it's severed lime. Iced tea may look like a tall boy can, but it's a non-alcoholic choice you can enjoy anywhere. With flavors like rest in peach. Get it? You can make any boring event a little more exciting. Yeah, I've had this a bunch.

As I said, lime seltzer. I get in my green room a lot. I love it. You've had this shit, right, Mark? Love it. Big fan. I got them all at home. I like all the flavors.

I mix them with booze. Mountain water. Just don't go with Julian Sands. Bad joke. All right. Rest in peace. Drinking liquid death is great for the environment. They donate a portion of the profits from every can sold to help end plastic pollution.

Why would you drink anything else? Pick up a case and start violently murdering your thirst today. That's right. Genocide on your fucking bod. Let's do it. You can find liquid death healthy beverages on Amazon or a retailer near you plus we might be drunk listeners get 20 off their first liquid death apparel purchase available exclusively at liquiddeath.com drunk exclusions may apply that's liquiddeath.com drunk how about this for

the next drink genocider oh that's pretty good take it liquid death you're welcome all right hey we might be drunk is brought to you by doer wearing them right now do or die look at that big fan they feel great they smell great they fit like a goddamn glove the band the waist is a little perfectly stretchy you look like a summertime mass shooter. It's beautiful. Yeah. I feel like a lesbian who's cleaning out a cage at the zoo. Oh, boy. When Dewar sent us over their top-of-the-line shorts,

I didn't expect them to be this good. I can move in these things. That's big. Lining's everything. Huge, huge. A lot of them are very constricting, but these are really, you can breathe, but they're not too flowy. Your dick feels like it's suffocating in some of those.

It mushes it up. I hate that. Exactly. Choke my dick. Choke the chicken. It makes the world's most comfortable pants. Breathable, lightweight, durable. They never go out of style.

That's true. These are timeless. I got to be honest. I just got these today. I'm never taking them off. I'm going to have sex with my wife in them. I love them. Cool pockets.

They call this a, what is this called? Some kind of weird cargo. A zipper? Yeah. A zipper. That's it. I love them. Cool pockets. They call this a, what is this called? Some kind of weird cargo. A zipper? Yeah, a zipper. That's it. I love them, too. I'm going to have sex with Mark's wife on them, too. There we go.

Doer. Send me the video. I prefer a black guy. If you're a doer, these tough, cool shorts and pants will keep up with you. You're not boring. Don't let your pants be. And it's not only pants, but they've got an entire menswear line of jeans joggers shorts tees jackets and they make you look sharp while keeping up with your busy lifestyle made for

materials like wood chips plants and recycled bottles whoa doer has finally made sustainable clothing that's long lasting and stylish trust me you need to add Dewar to your summer wardrobe. Check out Dewar's flagship stores in LA and Denver or go online at shopdewar.com. Our listeners get 15% off site-wide using our code DRUNK. For 15% off your order, go now to shopdewar.com, S-H-O-P-D-U-E-R.com, promo code DRUNK, shopdewar.com, S-H-O-P-D-U-E-R.com. Promo code DRUNK. Shopdoer.com, promo code DRUNK. Get on it. Pete would be such a good murderer if they made Fargo season five.

Yeah. Wouldn't he be like, oh, geez. Oh, honey. Oh, why are you making me kill you? Red Fox, St. Louis. Oh, you better wash your ass we should get red fox on the oh i love red get him up there sanford and son is so fucking so funny you better keep sucking on that sucka sucka that's my favorite part from that yeah i love that

show well you know what that's what i love about comedy is these guys are all just degenerate, balls to the wall, crazy motherfuckers. And then the industry scoops them up, and then they're supposed to be cleaned up and nice and presentable. But they're still that guy. That's why I love Red Fox. Aunt Esther, the lady that plays Aunt Esther, I can't remember her name. I'm coming to join you. She's filthy, man. Oh, really?

Yeah, she is filthy. She's the one that plays on esther and she's really hot as a younger woman pull her up yeah she was red's friend in high school or something or coming up in st louis and they wanted an actress and and she's a comic and she was and red said well then you're not having a sitcom because she's gonna play on esther because i can tee off on her because she's a comic he didn't feel because I can tee off on her, because she's a comic. He didn't feel right teeing off. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she was hot.

Look at that. She was really hot, man. Wow. Oh, yeah. That was a great- LaWanda Page. LaWanda Page. LaWanda Page.

Go watch those old Dean Martin roasts. Wow. She's like, you whine-o. Yeah. She's so good. There's this story about Red Fox, where there's these two big, big fat guys that were twins out of st louis called uh zach and mac and they were and this was when when red's like you know there's

three channels on tv and sanford and sons the biggest thing going yeah he's at danger fields one night and uh he's just murderous you know he's red fox oh yeah and uh so he goes down the green room in danger fields and zach and mac went stage, and he had no idea who they were. And they're from St. Louis. And Red's – he's listening. He's like, who are these guys up there killing after me, following me, trying to kill after me? And he goes up there, and he sees them, and he laughs.

And then he brings them down to the green room, and he talks to them, and he finds out they're from St. Louis. He's like, I'm going to put you on my show. Wow. Two weeks later, they play bodyguards in on sanford and son wow there's no way you would get that done these days on a no i love that i love helping out the comics even are there anymore there's nothing and also like with the writer's strike that i mean who the fuck i mean hopefully by the time this is out that's over but i doubt it right yeah say in 100 days at least probably it's hard enough to it takes a long enough time to sell a show to make

a show i know and then you put all this shit involved that's kind of and it sucks because like i didn't i love doing this show like mark and i have a ton of fun but like i didn't think this was going to be our thing i didn't think like like i think we got into comedy thinking like i didn't want to get i didn't get into comedy to be like fucking Don Imus. No. I wanted to make a sitcom. I wanted to make a show. And I still do.

And maybe someday, at some point. But it's just, God, the hoops you have to jump over with these industries. Well, that's why pods are so popular. Because you can just do it. You don't need to wait for people and get the yes and the no and the red tape and the red tape and the legal just doing different like steps yeah still in the end say no or i've had friends that have i've seen friends comics and then my writer friends have like gotten it all the way to the end yep and then by the time you get at the end it doesn't look anything like what you started with because they messed with it the industry stinks because how many things have

started online then they go oh oh, that's doing well. We'll buy it. And you're like, well, if I had pitched it to you, you would have said no. But now that you see it kicking ass, now you want it? They have no imagination. They need a complete proof of concept. They can't. You guys should have something, though, man.

Well, at some point, maybe. But right now, we're having fun, you know. Oh, yeah. We got no one telling us what to do. Make a show. Make Salak use my bodyguard. Hey, man, is it true? I need more ice. I'll go get it.

I don't know how this works. We got ice. I'm mad telling somebody to give me more ice. You're supposed to fill the glass with ice. This was a nice little bottled cocktail. I like this. Yeah, these Negronis are all right. I never drink, man.

Really? Yeah, I barely ever drink. Easy. Touch me, man. Sorry. Well, let me ask you, because you're clean. I drink his lace with five hits of acid. Yeah. Yeah, yeah barely ever drink. Easy. Touch me, man. Sorry. Well, let me ask you, because you're clean. Well, that drink is laced with five hits of acid. Yeah, yeah. That's the ice you need.

Every clean comic has a dark side. Really? Yeah, you know, Seinfeld loves kids. But what is your- Ryan Hamilton once raped a baby. The list goes on and on. Wait, you got Cosby. Yeah. You got the other guy, Regan's a booze hound. What is your hook?

I don't know. I like gambling. Aha! Really? Now we're getting somewhere. Yeah, I like to gamble. Okay. I like playing cards.

What do you got on Biden's death? All right. What do you think, is it poker, blackjack, or what do you play? It's that, man. It's a terrible, it's a really dumb game. It's that ultimate Texas hold'em. Oh, that'll suck you in. Yeah, I grew up playing that.

I thought you were going to say like Uno. Yeah. I bet it all, dude. Connect four. I lost my house. No, it's like blackjack. You play the dealer. You play Texas hold'em against the dealer.

Yeah, I was playing this weekend. My roommate in college would pay rent with that shit online. Really? That's so fucking risky. I knew a kid like that, too, but it's so risky. It is. Yeah, it's not a good game, man. No.

You're not going to win. I mean, he was always like, come on, let me borrow 20 bucks. I just like being there and playing. Like, if it's a $5 table, it's great. Because a $ dollar table on that game that means you're betting the way i bet you're probably betting anywhere from 20 to 40 on the hand right with that's a five dollar minimum so i was i was at this and i i could play that all day long you know i it's just i just like playing but if it goes to 10 man now

it's like you know it's an 80 to 150 hand, now it's like, you know, it's an $80 to $150 hand or something. It's like, it's too much. It's too much. It's just too much. So I'll do that, but only when I think I got more money than I really have. So you got the bug, but you're not a psycho. No, no, no. I'm not out of control.

Because guys will lose their families over this shit. No, I don't have a family, but yeah. He already lost it. Damn. All right. I'm so glad I don't have the gambling bug I've lost every hand I've ever played

I lose every slot I've never won I get drunk at the end of the night sometimes and I'm just like just fuck and I'm like fuck you I just like keep putting more on it

yeah really oh my god if I'm hammered sure you don't bet the Knicks do you I don't bet on sports

because I actually like watching sports me neither I don't bet baseball you're such a big Cardinals fan, right? Huge, but I don't like betting. I've got the shirt on right here. Yeah, it's like a mix of my buddy's band who's a comic. He's got this band called Ludo and he's got a song

about pterodactyls. Oh, cool. They did a thing at Bush Stadium. They had a couple big hits at one time. Were you a football fan? Were you bummed when the Rams left? I was bummed when the Cardinals left when I was a kid. The football Cardinals left to go to Arizona. That really hit me.

And then I went to Houston and the Oilers left and went to Tennessee. We're leaving right after this show. We're out of here. Everything's falling apart. And then the Rams left. So I hate the NFL. There's three teams that I've lost. That's tough i wasn't a giant rams fan i followed it but baseball baseball and college wrestling i'm like in as much as you can be in you were legit wrestler yeah yeah i was yeah i was good i wasn't like that next level but i was i was good

i mean that's a tough sport, the cut and wait. It's hand-to-hand. You've got to go at a guy if you're terrified, and it's so simple. Yeah, but you don't want your arms out like that, man. You've got to have them in. You've got to have them in? Yeah, yeah. I think the singlet alone is intimidating. You know, that little onesie?

That's what throws. It's not a onesie. That's not the name of it, man. What do you call it? A singlet. Singlet. Okay, I had it. Onesie sounds like you're taking a shot.

No, no. It is one piece of clothing. It's a legit move. What is that, a butt plug? What's going on there? It's called checking the oil. Oh, man. And they do that?

I've been there. No, it's a rare thing. That looks like my honeymoon. I think that might be it. Oh, wow. Milk in the the prostate why is that the whole did you google that yeah okay i googled your name and wrestling and i got this can you imagine if you went to like a real wrestling match and you just give it up there's a really like there's a picture that shows of me in a singlet that's like oh look it up yeah it's everywhere oh pull it you were a hunk sneaks up on me Just give me another shot. There's a picture that shows of me in a singlet that's like...

Oh, look it up. Yeah, it's everywhere. Can we find it? Oh, pull it up. You were a hunk. That thing sneaks up on me every now and then. I got a wrestling match with my brother where I did that move because you're desperate. You have a finger in the ass?

Oh, yeah. Little do you know, that's what makes you cum years later. It's crazy. It's a good move. W-A-R-R-E-N. Right. Yeah. There's two things on the internet. There that picture very hard words to spell man yeah right wrestling is w-r-e okay yeah let's see this is gay porn look at this it's exactly what you're not supposed to do in a wrestling picture is smile either it's the stupidest thing.

Wrestling pictures and mug shots. You don't smile. Yeah, you don't smile. See in the middle there. In the middle, that's the only match of mine on. Here? Yeah. Oh, here we go.

That's me getting worked by the two-time national champ, man. Whoa. Oh, is this it? Wait, which one are you? I'm the guy getting whooped. In the maroon? I'm the black. You're, man. Whoa. Oh, is this it? Wait, which one are you? I'm the guy getting whooped. In the maroon? I'm in the black. You're the black, okay.

He only lost three times his whole college career. Damn. Wow, he is good. He's ferocious. Yeah, now, if you get, later on, like, he kills me. He kills me, but I did get on top of him. Okay, there you go. In the second period, I get on top of him, and I start cranking on his period i get on top of him i start cranking on his

leg and he had a bad leg you know ah smart this is true man my coach before this match was like he's like i don't care who this guy is warren you take it to him you don't show him any respect you go after him so i and here i am i'm working him pretty hard here on top all right there you go yeah yeah so uh so at one point i don't know somewhere here they stopped the match okay they stopped the match because his knees hurt yeah yeah right there his knees hurt he goes over to his corner see his legs hurt yeah yeah now at this point i go over to my corner i'm thinking yeah roper the coach he's gonna be proud of me goes warren i'm not sure i would have pissed this guy off he was right he was right man the guy ripped my head off after this really this i won a lot this is the only match on the internet

of mine in college wow because you fucked his leg up he was yeah he was pissed he was that's when you got to put him in the figure four leg lock yeah that's what i had him in oh there it is did it to me but way more oh man. Oh, man, he's angry. But see, there's no fucking around in this sport. There's no team to rely on. It's just you and this other guy. That's what I love about it. Yeah, he made me look silly a couple times here.

I watch a lot of fist fight videos, like bar fights and parking lot fights. I feel like they're promoting that shit on Twitter more than ever. Oh, Twitter Fight Haven. Great follow. I know. I don't even follow it, but it comes up all the time. Well, I bring it up because a lot of the guys, especially the honkies, they fight and they go in.

You can tell they took wrestling in college or high school because they go for the legs, they flip the guy over, and then they just get on top and they do a choke hold. And I wish I knew. I wish I took wrestling. I don't think you take wrestling. Sorry. Performed? Yeah, I don't know what to say. It's not like shop class, man. Oh, what do you take wrestling. Sorry. Performed? Yeah.

Majored in? It's not like shop class, man. Oh, what do you take? What do you? You do wrestling. Yeah, you wrestle, man. I wish I wrestled in college. I wrestled my sexuality, but that was about it. So, yeah, aren't you glad you have it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And in the back spot, you can go bar fight. You know more than the other guy already. Yeah, I mean, I don't really need to be getting any bar fights at my age. But you did. You tackled a guy in the village once, right? Yeah, man. There we go.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that happened. I got punched in the face in the East Village, and I shot a single leg on him and took him down. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he was like a... The punch wasn't bad, but after that he had it was like he was on something yeah you know i was new in new york at the time what a fucking welcome i know i know it's that

welcome and i called like i think i called my brother who had lived in jersey for long he's like ah it's just the east coast man i'm like what i called another one of my friends i called vecchione to tell him he's a wrestler yeah he was a wrestler and a comic and i you know i just met mike when i moved here but i immediately loved the guy he's a wrestler he's a great comic great yeah so i called mike to tell him and then i called another one of my friends he's like dude this is because somebody was taping it was was part of the story somebody was taping he's like dude that thing that's gonna wind up on the it's gonna wind up on on youtube man this is gonna be a break for you this is is going to be your biggest thing.

I'm like, dude, I had a Comedy Central special. I was like, yeah, man, it wasn't that good, man. That is what you need. You need like, he's a comedian. We got to look at his shit. Right. Jim Jefferies got punched on stage. He said that broke him.

Bill Burr had the heckle thing in Philly. That kind of broke him. You need to find a guy on Fentanyl and kick his ass let's get the cameras rolling might be a little scary though right he might bite you or something yeah maybe so wait why did a guy he just randomly hit you just hobo just walking down the east village and i go uh it was like you lived right behind me back then in the lower east side that's right i lived on ludlow yeah so i i was walking down and i i just walked by this guy he goes what are you looking at man and uh like i turned around he shouted at me i turned around which judah told me like don't don't don't turn around ever and yeah judah was like don't don't ever turn around well everybody's yelling hey world champion huh he's like just keep going keep going so i turned around and you

know i was like ah it's a crazy guy and then he like literally sprinted towards me he's like i said what are you looking at man and i said something stupid you know and then he and then i like i deserve to be hit like i had my face out almost like like right here is where you want to let me draw an x like i was like hey man where did he just went bam whoa and for a minute i was like i don't know because i was new in new york you feel like a victim of some sorts i was like i was like ah what should i do and i was like wait wait a minute man i practiced this every day for 20 days i know what to do here yeah and what'd you do you single leg to the single leg to the right side took him down yeah yeah went right down and i then i stopped short of like i was kind kind of, I think I had my hand on, my thumb on his neck or something.

Wow. And then I was like, wait a minute, this guy's like, he's a heroin addict, you know? Right. He can't fight. You called your coach and he's like, I wouldn't have done that. Oh, my coach, that's the thing. If that video would have showed up on the internet,

he'd be like, Warren, you still don't know how to your footwork is terrible damn that's pretty wild oh you can you say can you play the video that i sent you matt you sent it to salicus yeah play someone sent me this one mark's gonna love this shit uh-oh we got a fist fight is Is that what it is? Do you have it? I don't have it yet. He's going to text it to you. We could always play it later.

Should we do news or something? Oh, yeah. Let's do some jokes. Do some news. All right. So we got a news story here for you. A prisoner who died and was brought back to life argued that his life sentence was technically finished. This is great.

This guy's a genius. This lawyer is brilliant. to life argued that his life sentence was technically finished this is great this is this guy's a genius this lawyer is brilliant what a great uh way to get out of a life sentence you serve one now you're reborn this is gold yeah i feel like you know because they they outlawed they said sorry man like he lost oh he did yeah he lost of course which i think they had to because you know like prisoners if this worked every prisoner would be like, Doc, Doc, I'm dead. You have a cold. I'm dead. And if you ever want to see your family again, I'm dead.

I know people on the outside. No, it's a cold. I'm dead, Doc. Write it down. I'm dead. We're also here to do not resuscitate, which it's like, yeah, which, by the way, I feel like if you've murdered someone, you should have a do not resuscitate, which it's like, yeah, which by the way, I feel like if you've murdered someone, you should have a do not resuscitate. There should not be a line in the ER. And you're like, why are we waiting so long?

Like, we're trying to save a murderer. Yeah, that's true. It is hilarious that they're trying to. It's a technicality. Yeah. Like he's technically dead. But it's like, yeah, wordplay. I don't know if that's the reason.

I remember there's a story in the news about this guy who showed up to a hospital and he had tattooed to do not resuscitate and there was an argument over the doctor saying is this a contract can we oh you know can we abide by this or do we have to try and revive him interesting they ended up reviving him yeah there's been a house episode i don't know i love that show that was a great show love it yeah no but do news first we'll save this one save the uh they got it they revived this guy with uh epinephrine it said yeah which is that's that truck driver speed you know like those little mini things you see when oh is that right gas station? That's epinephrine.

Oh, really? Which tells you that stuff should not be legal. Yeah, for sale at 7-Eleven. I've had a shot, an allergic reaction. I had an epinephrine shot in my leg. It saved my fucking life. Really? What happened?

I had an allergic reaction. My eyes were bugging out. Wait, what are you allergic to? I don't want to say because someone could poison me. Oh, pussy. I you allergic to? I don't want to say because someone could poison me. Oh, pussy. I'm allergic to pussy. And it only happened to me one time. No, I remember I was walking to the hospital with my mom and a bird shit on my face.

And I was just like, this ain't my day. But they do say that's good luck, right? So, yeah, I walk in, they jam into my leg and i uh you know you're like you know but then i passed out for like five hours whoa it's crazy yeah what you were out i was out yeah how old were you i was like 12 and you're open for ron white stuck something in your drink i had a similar similar thing where I had an alert reaction. I went into one of those WebMD places, whatever it's called. You walk in.

The clinic? Yeah, CityMD. Yeah, CityMD. And they looked at my face. They're like, we're calling 911. I was like, you're 911. I was like, you handle this. What are you allergic to?

I won't say. Come on. What is this? No, I think that's reasonable. All right. I'm allergic to gin. Oh, really? Breakout and Hives. Got to go to the ER, I think that's reasonable. Yeah. All right. I'm allergic to gin. Really? Breakout and Hives, got to go to the ER and get a shot of something.

Yeah. Damn. This is worse than that. This will kill me. That's what I don't want to say. Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This will literally murder me.

Don't let the fans know. Yeah. I got you. Or your lady. You never know. This could be her way out. All right. What do you got?

What's next? An Austrian train plays a Hitler speech on its loudspeaker. Wow. On a train, too. That's really the fucked up part. Yeah. What's next? I didn't even think of that, man.

Yeah. God. Well, you know they weren't real Nazis because this was an efficiently, they would have run it efficiently if it was a Nazi train. That's true. That's true. This is brutal man the story like the only thing i could think was like at least like america's not the only

place with like moron skinhead yeah it's dirt bags you know like they got them over there too that's the mecca too you thought they would clean it up yeah yeah yeah we didn't start this right that's where hitler from, by the way. Austria. Yeah. That's right. But that's, apparently, the air conditioning went down, too, on this train. I was like, two things?

Come on. Although, I did check. The showers didn't work. So that was it. Woo, these poor kids are just on their way to camp. It's also funny. I wonder if the guy was just like he just happened to be a neo-nazi who fucked up it's kind of like

when you leave the porn in the VCR and you're like oh shit that wasn't supposed to play now that's for later VCR porn jokes Mark

sorry I gotta get more up to date that's like a true life tale right there what happened to him right there thank you

it's my era they shouldn't play this on a train, this Hitler speech. They should play it in art schools just so they're like, hey, hey,

if you don't get your shit together, you're going to end up like this guy. You got to paint better. One of the guys at the news said, we clearly distance

ourselves from the content, which I'm going to start doing if my wife catches my DMs. I'm like, I distance myself. Nothing? All right. See you soon. Which I'm going to start doing if my wife catches my DMs. I'm like, I distance myself. Nothing. All right. Hitler speech on a train.

That's like playing Jim Crow at an auction. All right. That's what messed me up. I was thinking. Oh, Jim Crow. I guess he didn't give speeches. David Duke. All right. I was thinking Craig. Oh, Jim Crow. I guess he didn't give speeches. David Duke? I'll take it.

All right, all right. I'll take it. Maybe David Duke on a cruise. Slave ship? All right, all right. He's killed in my apartment. Mark's bargaining with Sal. He's like, come on.

Give me something here. All's like, come on. Give me a fucking, give me something here. Oh, here we go. A Michigan woman charged with caring for wildlife without a permit. The animals were killed by the state officials. So the state officials came in, took her animals away that she wasn't properly caring for, and killed them. That's a weird series of events. It's a little mixed message. And she said, they said

they took it away from her because they don't want, like if you take in a wild animal, chances are when you put it back out in the wild, it's going to die. But the stuff that she was taking was like a one-legged crow. It was a blind raccoon with down syndrome

down syndrome they're gonna die like like i don't see where like if you put them back they're gonna die man i'm with you i was on her side totally and then did you read her tweet was it her facebook post or whatever it sounds a little bit a little much man she said so this old farm gal helps she called them woodland creatures which immediately ah that's adorable yeah i will be arrested please pray i will light be a light for those i come in contact with let my hands continue she's nice but i was like ah she's a handful she was charged with with keeping endangered creatures in captivity. Thank God Hugh Hefner's not still alive. Yeah. Yeah, also.

You think those girls didn't want to be there? Some of them didn't. I think some of them, like, talked themselves into wanting to be there. Yeah, no, I think you're right. I don't know if they really. I think at a certain point, I think there's. And wasn't he on all kinds of pills, like uppers or something? Oh, yeah.

Was it like 1970s? I mean yeah yeah was it like uh yeah like 1970s i mean he was something at that age it's energy it's not a downer yeah that's true but he was like a speed freak kind of guy oh yeah yeah probably and you know the viagra and also he had the strict like it's movie night and like i just want to go hang out it's movie night you're all gonna sit around me and you know watch the movie and pet me. Let me just say this about the wildlife. I've got to get my jokes in that I worked on. It's just a weird series of events where they, hey, you're mistreating these animals, and then we kill them.

You know, what if CPS did that? Hey, you're not fit to be a father all right we got it in thank god they weren't around i like where you're heading with that one though man that's something there yeah yeah there's there's there's definitely a yeah where were these uh animal rights activists during noah's ark go back to the cps thing? Oh, yeah. All right. We got any other news, Sally? Keep it going, Sally. Okay, so masturbation with a sex toy kills a man.

Wait, which toy? I just want to know for myself here, for my future. This is what you're allergic to. He gets electrocuted with ping pong balls up his butt while jerking off in the Czech Republic. Yeah, I actually saw that his parents found the body, which like you should not have this advanced the sexual fetish and live at home. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

You got to pick one. Who didn't? Yeah. How did they not know what was going on? You're electrocuting your balls. You got to at least afford a studio. Who knew and when? The other thing, the Czech Republic, that's an Eastern European country.

They're pretty frugal over there. They're using those ping pong balls again. Somebody's going to be using that. Don't throw away ping pong balls. These are perfectly good. They smell weird, Grandpa. It's fine. It's fine. This guy's up Schitt's Creek with a ping pong ball It's perfectly good They smell weird grandpa It's fine It's fine This guy's up shit's creek

With a ping pong paddle Alright Oh shit Hold on Why is it electric by the way? Why is it an electric ping pong? Because he's I think it was like electrocuted

In his balls or something The ball wasn't electric Yeah have you ever tried To get off with just Regular ping pong? on this tombstone they wrote game set match there's some people who think regular masturbation is a sin can you imagine oh yeah like wow this guy's really a piece of yeah the guy that invented uh cornflakes did it because Kellogg, he was against masturbation and he thought that what caused masturbation was bland, was spicy food. So he made cornflakes as bland as he could.

And he invented graham crackers. They used to be really, really bland. No, Graham invented graham crackers. And this guy was a disciple of his. But he did it because if you eat a bland diet you won't masturbate can you imagine what he thought these people were like eating with like this guy but then his brother his brother like snuck sugar into the cornflakes oh really there's an idiot and that's why kellogg's became like this wow how about that

uh subsequent examination revealed that the electric device malfunctioned when plugged in and the autopsy revealed burns in the skin above the man's penis mmm can you sue that manufacturer yeah it's a pretty embarrassing lawsuit sued man yeah the parents show up all right we want justice all right tell us exactly what happened. Never mind. Why is it electric? I don't get what is an electric ping pong ball.

No, it's the device. Like the metal balls? No, it's ping pong. It's ping pong, man. I don't get how it can be electric. Yeah. Yeah, I'm confused. But all right.

Either way, if he was Amish, he'd be with us. Please don't look for photos. What were you saying, Mark? Nothing. Stand by it. confused but all right either way if he was please don't look for photos nothing man they're gonna be these poor parents are gonna be triggered every time they see a ping pong table you know what are there any other stories yeah oh do you have any more mark no no you don't want to hear it i like the cps thing thank you so a a Colorado driver tries to switch seats with a dog. This is gold. God.

This is great. A Colorado driver tries to switch seats with a dog in a failed attempt to avoid a DUI arrest. Woo, this guy's a real booze hound. You know, little hair of the dog. This guy was shih tzu faced. This guy. This only works if the cop is also shit faced. Right.

In which case he's like, whoa, the dog is driving. I feel like we know guys that would do this. It's because the ingenuity of a drunk. This guy is a genius. They should have let him go. And you know he doubled down, too. They're like, hey, man. He's like, what?

Was the dog swerving? Cause he said he wasn't drinking man If he was drinking It's on me It's on me That'd be great if they did punish the dog Just like he's fine The dog has to do community service

For like three months You see the dog Dog out on the side of the highway I wonder what he did You should just like This guy is kind of a genius. I love this guy. He gets caught, like, fucking his wife's friend.

He just throws the dog. I know he's like, it was him. Right. The dog, bad boy. The dirty dog. Oh, yeah. And the cop's like, ah, got another collar. All right.

Isn't that what they call it? A collar? Okay, okay. So we have a story here. Italy calls crisis meeting over surging pasta prices. Yeah. Well, you know. This is funny because this is exactly what an ignorant person would think they're doing in Italy. They're like, I bet they're fucking arguing about pasta or some shit.

And that is, we're like dealing with like mass shootings and immigration over here. They're just like, we got a linguine crisis. Right. You wonder what wasn't a crisis before this. Yeah, man, there's the mafia is coming back. There's violence in the streets and the infrastructure is crumbling. There's an 8% raise in pasta prices. We got to have a meeting.

This is tragic. Yeah, they're really pinching pennies. It's reached a boiling point over there with this pasta. And, you know, I blame these olive oil tycoons. All right. I'll see you all in hell. Finching pennies. Last one.

What is it? Oh, do you have one more joke or do you want me to read the thing? No, no. Last one. Okay. A man rescued from the woods after sex game goes awry german police say 51 year old man who was left tied up in the woods when a sex game uh went awry lucky escape after a cyclist and a hunter heard his screams for help wow what's going on with me

me and my wife we We have sex sideways. It takes 11 seconds, and then we both watch Jury Duty. Who are these guys going to the woods, getting tied up, doing all kinds of kooky shit? Yeah, what's wrong with the bed? Yes, exactly. Beds are fucking great. Oral is good. Sex is good. You don't need a ping pong ball or a tied up tree.

No judgment, but if it kills you some judgment yes yes agreed did you see that like the woman that did this to him she got a phone call supposedly and that's when she took off and left him there oh yeah which you i want to know what that phone call is listen uh your kid's in trouble at school. They were jumping rope, and he tied somebody up, and it's a real bad joke. It is. She got found by a... Oh, he got found by a cyclist, which is so...

And a hunter. It's so weird. Can you imagine? There's like the different ends of the health spectrum. It's like one dude's working on his cardio, another dude's tied up in the woods. Both of their heart rate is going for a different reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Thank God Dick Cheney wasn't out there. He would have shot that guy. Shot him in the face. Yeah. So that's an old reference. The 51-year-old told officers that he had a box cutter with him for such situations, but he couldn't find it.

Man, those box cutters. Let me tell you something. In the grocery business, those things are gold. Gold. Yeah, like Freddie was the one that told me. Because he was in the grocery business before. That's how you bribe the grocery store. Hey, a couple of box cutters.

Really? Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, we didn't have it, but Freddie said they had like Clorox. That was his company. It was Clorox or Colgate or something. Yeah, some box cutters, man. Interesting.

I knew a guy who was an undercover cop, and he got out of a serious jam with some box cutters. Like a fight? Yeah. Oh, damn. Yeah, those will cut you up. Yeah. Yeah, this is a-

Not just for boxers. Uh-huh. He's lucky, this guy. Yeah, they're kind of like where you can because it's just It detracts. Yeah, yeah. It's like a switchblade almost. Exacto knife

is also pretty deadly. When I was growing up, those were called buck fifties. They would use them for slashing faces on the subway and you need 150 stitches. What? Where did you was called a buck 50. Where did you grow up, man?

You have a buck 50 on you, it meant pox cutter. God. Yeah, don't let the outfit fool you. He's not from Tahiti working on a job. 150 stitches? Jeez. Oh, yeah. Who's the guy, the comic that got that happened to him?

Doug Smith. Doug Smith, man. Amazing bit he has on him Great bit Yeah It's all true though right Like he All true

Yeah Yeah he's a hero It's on YouTube It's on Ari Shaffir's Storytelling show It's great Killer story True story

Do you have any Oh sorry Mark No I was just gonna say This guy's lucky That these guys found him That could've been a lot worse He could've been found By other sexual weirdos.

Deliverance 2.0. Yes, exactly. They're like, well, looky here. We got ourselves a mouth. Thank you, God. Served up on a silver platter. Mow, my cletus. Or he knows him.

He sees these guys. Oh, yeah. Not Charlie. This guy's into some weird stuff. Oh, this dude loves fucking mouths. God damn it. And you can really bribe him. He's like, help me, help me.

And you're like, yeah, you know, I've been looking at this big screen TV on Best Buy. Whatever you want, man. He's like, nine, nine, nine guys. He's in Germany. Ah. Nine is no in Germany. How'd we know? How'd you get to, oh, he's in Germany. Oh, I didn't know he was in Germany. Nine is no in Germany. How did we know? Oh, he's in Germany.

Oh, I didn't know he was in Germany. I see. Sorry, sorry. Pay attention to the date line for some of these things. Sorry, sorry. Any wrecks or peeves or anything? I actually have some peeves. Hit me.

Hold on. Let me pull these up. I don't know if you got any peeves there, Greg. Sure. What do you got? I've been full when when you when you walk into a business and uh and nobody's working there like nobody's the front it drives me insane there's hotels are one so you know you come into a hotel like 11 30 at night and there's like a sign that says

you know i'll be back in 10 minutes or because they went to the back. Like you're the holiday inn. You're this giant company and you have, you can only have one guy working for 400 rooms. You can only have one guy working. He's going to have to go to the bathroom. You guys really can't afford two guys. I know. You know, that is brutal.

Walgreens is another one, which it doesn't hold up as much in the city, but in like suburban Walgreens, you walk in at 11.30 at night, they're open. But there's one guy working the register. Yeah, and he's not there. Right.

You walk in, it's upsetting. You just feel like something, did something horrible just happen? Yeah, Amazon came along. Yeah, but I mean- You feel like you're giving to a mom and pop going to Walgreens. That's true.

That's how strong Amazon is. Yes, you guys, right now, you have one more employee than a vending machine, and you're Walgreens, man. You can't afford two guys. We come with the AI and stuff. I mean, it started with the self-checkout. It's coming for us. Yeah, McDonald's.

You guys scared me so much. I listened to your last episode, and you were talking about robots writing jokes and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, it's coming, coming baby good it's not good they're not great yet i googled i checked to see if i could write a better joke and then they're better than mine tonight but they're not great yet so but give them five years they'll figure it out yeah no soul though no soul no soul they could figure that out. Soul, come on. Soul's a Pixar movie.

I did see that there was a self-checkout that asked for a tip. What? Oh, you got to be kidding me, man. So you're just tipping the company? Yeah. I love that. Like, no one's working here, but let me just give Howard Schultz at Starbucks some more money. Right, right. The thing is, if you're going to steal from that place, how do you get in trouble for doing that?

You don't. You're allowed to steal that. That's going to be the new viral video. Is this robots killing unarmed people? Oh. Yeah, yeah. And they're going to be like, look, we need robots to patrol the neighborhood. They keep us safe.

Yeah, that's going to happen. You're right. Good point. Yeah. All right. I got a peeve for you. What do you got? How about this guy? I hate this guy.

The guy who gets mad that you're mad. So I had the guy go, this guy was fucking me over. I'm not going to get into details. But he's screwing me over. And then I finally see the guy. And I go, hey, what's going on? He goes, don't be mad. I'm like, you can't tell me not to be mad

i'm mad you fucked me over and now you're telling me not to be mad you don't get to do that yeah hate the don't be mad guy i think we need details on this thing man yeah maybe you need details he took some money from me i've been hounding him about it he's like don't worry i'll get it to you and i bumped into him and he didn't think i would bump into him he's like don't worry I'll get it to you and I bumped into him I didn't think I would bump into when he's like hey the money's coming don't be mad I'm like I'm bad every once in a while you just want to gotta be like hit me with it yes be mad man yeah I'm allowing it you can't do that with the police don't be upset I did something illegal you're going to jail slow down I know you're gonna be back come on yeah you're also the cheapest I did something illegal. You're going to jail. No, no, no. You're in a sex dungeon? Slow down.

I know you're going to be bad. Come on. Yeah. You're also the cheapest guy I know in the world. What circumstance did you lend somebody money? I lend money. You guys don't know about me lending money. Was it a comic?

It's a comic. Yeah. Do I know him? Oh, yeah. Everybody knows him. It's Jerry Seinfeld. Now- That'd be great if Jerry was just borrowing money from people.

He's like, dude, just spot me like, you know, just spot me like 10 grand. Well, I've opened some big headliners. They have no cash. It's all tied up, and they got, you know, Swiss banks and real estate and cars and all this shit. Mark used to open for Jeffrey Epstein. Yeah. No cash on Epstein. Good gig.

Good gig, bud. I had to tip all the girls. But, yeah, that is. Don't be mad. Any wrecks? I just saw Air. I heard it's great. It's great. It's so fun.

I'm going to watch it. It feels like a real movie. You would love it. I feel like it was made for me. I can't wait to watch it. I just watched The Fablemans on your wreck. Oh, yeah. That's good.

It's good. It takes a minute, but it gets there. Spielberg's movie, The Fablemans on your rec. Oh, yeah. That's good. It's good. It takes a minute, but it gets there. It's Spielberg's movie, The Fablemans. It's like his life story. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's really good, dude. I haven't seen it. Do you like it?

I haven't seen it yet. You'll like it. I thought you told me it was bad. The first half took me a second. Well, once I got to the second half, I loved it. I think it's good. It's good. I watched it on a flight, but it was a gaps.

That helped me. Yeah. I might be late on this, but beef is very good. I hear it's very good. People a flight but it was uh that got me yeah yeah i might be late on this but beef is very good i hear it's very people rave about beef it's on netflix yeah literally no yeah that's a show uh he's just recommending the food i thought he was talking about the meat man i thought that's a good bit every week he's just one week he's like chicken is pretty good i like chicken this week well the way he said it i'm kind of late on this guys tune in next week salicus is going to recommend fish it's crazy

i got one uh uh briggs and riley luggage i'm all in on that all my shit is briggs and riley it's a lifetime guarantee it's, but it's a lifetime guarantee. What? I bought a bag back when I lived in L.A. in the early 2000s, and it was like $550, which back then was a lot of money for me. Give me an image. It was a lifetime guarantee, and let me tell you something. These guys made a bad deal.

Oh, really? Yeah, I've sent it back like 10 times it's great because it got beat up listen people make the mistake of buying low end luggage and it just breaks

yeah I've had it break on me yeah but then you buy one really good one you have it for your fucking life like I had a bag break

at JFK airport and I was like I'm fucked nothing I went into a store they sell Briggs and Riley bags whoa it cost me

yeah it was like something like 550. Oh, JFK was probably, yeah. No, it wasn't jacked up really. It wasn't that bad, but it was like, man, this is a great. Really? Even when I was putting the stuff in, I was like, wow, this is like kind of sleeker and better. Forever.

Interesting. And honestly, like I just send it back now and they don't, there's no verification. I just send it to them. So I think it's not only lifetime. I think it's like, if you have kids kids you pass that down like that yeah till death sucks in relationships it's great with material goods yes so can i go to a thrift store buy a briggs and riley and send it in i think when i got when i first sent it in i had to tell where i bought it so i don't know uh i'll just lie. Say I bought a JFK.

I don't think that's going to work, Mark. Don't be mad, but I just don't think it's going to work. I'll try it. All right, because everybody says Tumi. Tumi. You always hear about Tumi. No, Tumi's good, too. A lot of companies give.

I think Tumi's way more expensive. Oh, but is it a guarantee? Backpack. Lifetime. I don't think that's guaranteed. I don't think so, either. There's one called Deer Creek or something like that. There's a lot of high-end companies that are lifetime, but Duggan Riley is legit for sure.

Patagonia. Hey, by the way, man, your bourbon's great. Thank you. Nice job, man. Hell yeah, bodegacatwhiskey.com. Bodega Cat online. Get that shit. My one drink of the year.

Patagonia also, you send it in. You got a torn jacket. They'll fix it for free. Really? Yeah, fun fact. I got a torn Patagonia also you send it in you got a torn jacket they'll fix it for free really yeah I got a torn Patagonia send it in baby

really oh yeah they'll fix it alright fun fact they just bank on no one sending it in

people are lazy you bank on laziness you might I'm fucking lazy dude oh yeah I got a million subscriptions out there and i've signed up for this and audible and all this other shit still paying it those people that tell

you like those you know you put in this you tell you put into whatever how many uh subscriptions you have on your phone and yes it's an app holy shit i should get that but i also i'm like i'm fucking i'm lazy i can't even get that They're banking on that. They know it. They're a sponsor? Are they? They're doing great. And they're doing great work. And I love every second of it. Rocket money.

We love you, rocket money. It's a great concept. Rocket money. You guys are the real deal. Yeah, you're saving us. Love what you guys do. Hell yeah. Should we plug dates?

Let's do it. Pull them up. Where are you going to be coming up, Greg? On the road? Yeah, yeah. I'm on the road. Is this coming out soon? When's it coming out, man?

Mid-June something. We're banking here. Mark's going to Australia, and I'm on the road for like two weeks. Yeah, Nashville Zanies in the summer. I'm trying to hit that one. And then the Ice House in LA. Oh, wow. Trying to hit those pretty good, man. When are you in Zanies? Sometime in, Ice House in LA. Oh, wow. Trying to hit those pretty good, man.

When are you in Zanies? Like sometime in, I think, July. Oh, okay. Nashville in June. That would have been fun to overlap. Yeah, man. Oh, August, August. Oh, you got Sunnyvale, Bloomington, Pasadena, Nashville, Appleton, Vegas, Chicago.

Go see Greg Warren on the road. Go watch the salesman on YouTube. Yes. Huge, huge endorsement from all of us here. Great special. And clean. Bring the kids. Bring the kids.

And it's really just quality joke writing. Great stuff. I'm all over, man. Yeah, where am I going to be? Oh, yeah, Denver. 22nd and Denver. 23rd and Santa Fe. 24th and San Antonio.

Adding a bunch of shit. Adding a bunch of shit. Look at that, man. Texas. Houston, Texas on the. Adding a bunch of shit. Look at that, man. Texas, Houston, Texas on the 25th. Woo! Yeah. Edmonton, Alberta. Wow, great outdoors comedy.

Taking some time off there, it looks like. No, we're adding some stuff. Never. We're adding some stuff. Montreal is going to be added. Columbus Theater in Providence, Rhode Island. The Academy of Music in Northampton, Massachusetts. Higher Ground in Burlington, Vermont.

And in Albany, we're going to add as well. And then, you know, Toronto. A lot of stuff's coming. Cincy, Columbus. Indianapolis. Yeah, that Egyptian room in Indy is really cool, man. Is it? It's so big, though.

Fucking Indy, man. Yeah, Indy's really cool, man. Is it? It's so big, though. Fucking Indy, man. Yeah, Indy's a weird area. Hard to get those people out. You guys are killing it, man. I'm proud of you guys, man. Oh, hey, thanks, man. We'll OD eventually. It's awesome, man.

Greg Warren, great comic. Definitely watch this special. Hell yeah. Hoyt Sherman in Des Moines? Yeah. Yeah, man. Awesome. You know it?

Yeah, man. It's great, dude. I love Des Moines. I. Yeah, man. Awesome. You know it? Yeah, man. All right. You're the one person. I love Des Moines. Yeah. I've never been there. I got to go there. Oh, that's fun.

You got to go to Des Moines, man. Yeah. Sorry. After Australia, I'm doing a big theater tour. We're going to Pabst in Milwaukee. Give me some cities just so I'm not. There you go. Milwaukee, Des Moines, LA, San Diego, Louisville, Kentucky, Cincinnati, Springfield, Cleveland,

Hershey, PA. Oh, you put in a Taft in Cincinnati, man. Yeah. That was right by Procter & Gamble, man. Oh, wow. Dude, that's, yeah. Oklahoma City, Dallas, Portland. Cincinnati.

Oh, yeah. Providence, Rhode Island, Cleveland, Grand Rapids, Denver, Grand Junction grand junction colorado hartford connecticut all kinds of day mark norman comedy.com mobile new orleans santa rosa when's the special coming out mark special comes out july 25th on netflix i say horrible things so uh buckle up should be fun and uh i don't do any of these jokes that i did here so don't worry about that and uh yeah we'll have fun. Get Bodega Cat. I tweeted it. It got about 11 likes.

I like it. Suck our pennies, Mark. Also, teasing New York November 4th. I can't say the venue yet because they're being sticklers, but let's just say it's in the theater where the fucking Knicks play. So think about that shit. Really?

Yeah. So just get ready, motherfucker. Oh, shit. All right. Sounds good. And where the field corn grows? That's the old special, yeah. Fish sandwich?

All right. Boy, do you have a new material yet? Man, I got a 15-minute run or something. Yeah, that's where I'm at. Man, I watched Nate the other day. He's got a new hour since his thing came out. He's unreal. He's a monster.

Yeah, I got to get with it. I got to get going. Yeah, it's tough. It's tough to build. Man, it's like two different jobs, isn't it? It's like starting a special and then ending it or polishing it. It's like you're throwing throwing shit the wall and then like honing the shit that you threw at the wall yes so it's uh it's way more fun to start from

scratch even though it's frustrating because you will go to that place where you get frustrated with the crowd again you get yourself it's not pretty and but then when you're honing you're just bored i'm trying to like i have shit that i know works now and i'm trying to just like it's you get so comfortable i can add this this line, but you got to just try new jokes all the time. Step off the diving board. Yeah. But another better one just starts gelling. You're like, oh, I can add that to this.

Oh, that'll finish that. That's really when it gets fun, but I'm not there yet. No, I'm not even close. Yeah. I always have this. I'm like, I don't know if I have another one in me. I know. I think the same thing, but you got it in there

we all do but that's how you feel after every special it's a hangover it's like you're like I'll never drink again and then it's 5 or 6pm you're like I could have one you'll find a way great analogy thanks folks

get some bodega get a shirt get a glass we'll see you in hell. Praise Allah. Thank you, Greg. Thanks, guys. Check out the special, The Salesman, on YouTube. And, Sally, you good? Good.

All right, Peters. There we go. Keep on keeping on. Sunday's the day for my next vendor. A bit of Piva Rec, you know the beer juice folks. I've had a little too much bourbon, and Norman's talking shit about the fucking pub, and I get down in the same way. We might be true.