We Might Be Drunk - Ep 139: Nick Griffin

Episode Date: August 7, 2023

We are joined by Nick Griffin on todays episode, Sam is behind the bar making some drinks for everyone except nick. We have a lot of fun talking about his rock bottom moments, his many many late night sets and a lot of comedy! Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Nick Griffin: https://nickgriffin.net/ Support the show by going to https://www.sheathunderwear.com &; use promo code DRUNK to get 20% off your first order Find Liquid Death on Amazon or a retailer near you, &; take 20% off your 1 st Liquid Death apparel purchase at https://www.liquiddeath.com/DRUNK Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/    

Hey, hey! Hey-ho! Here we are. Look at this. We're joined by one of our favorite guests. Thank you so much. We're joined by one of our favorite comedians working. Great comic. Oh, yeah. The best in the biz.

Mark and I used to use you as the example of, like, the best comic on late night. You would do the best late night sets. Yeah, I got to do late night for a lot of sets there. But I was different from you guys because I was obviously older than you. And so my whole exposure to comedy was just watching Letterman. Sure. So I thought that was what you were supposed to do, right? Five minutes and put it on TV somehow.

And I think that's kind of going away a little bit. Oh, it's 100% gone away. But I think at the time, it still moved the needle. Yeah, yeah. I remember Mark messaged you. Didn't you message Nick when you were like, I'm doing Conan. Like, what do I do? Do you have any advice?

Didn't you do that? Yeah, yeah. I don't know if you got it. But I was a huge fan. Because you did, what did you do? Do you have any advice? Didn't you do that? Yeah, yeah. I don't know if you got it, but I was a huge fan. What did you do? Four Lettermans? Four? You did way more than four.

I did 11. 11? What the hell? Wait, 11? What the hell? And then a couple of Conans. Yeah. And then a Ferguson or two, if I'm not mistaken.

Old Fergie. Yeah. Old Fergie, the alcoholic heroin addict. Great host. Yeah, he wasn't there. I think he was there for one set, but... Wow. Ferguson wasn't there?

Well, yeah, he taped it beforehand. That's so weird to do a show and the host isn't there. I know. Do they do that to musicians, or is it just us? Well, yeah, I think sometimes they just can't make it. Who was the guest host? Well, no, Ferguson was there, but they tape it way before. Oh, I see.

And then they plug it in when they don't have a guest at the end of the thing. Right, right. It takes away the thrill of the experience. I mean, I have good experiences on late night where Bill Hader would knock on my dressing room door and you have a moment. It takes away from any big guests you're on with yeah i was on with my first one was with uh that um guy from the columbus zoo jack hannah oh wow he's a legend yeah but i think i But I think that was the one I got bumped because his dogs went long. Seriously, the dog. Yeah.

That's rough. Yeah, that was tough. Sorry, Nick. Noodle stretch tonight. Rough, rough bumped you. Yeah, yeah. But my mom was there, and she said, even after the show ended, she's like, you didn't come on. And my sister said, yeah, mom thought you were going to come even after the show ended, she's like, you didn't come on. And my sister said,

yeah, mom thought you were going to come on after the show. They would just let you do that. That's how TV works. 11 Letterman's though, that's 55 minutes of comedy. That's insane. You did a special worth of Letterman sets. That's

incredible. Plus Conan's, plus Ferguson's. That's a lot of jokes. And that's a lot of TVman sets. That's incredible. Plus Conan's, plus Ferguson's. That's a lot of jokes. And that's a lot of TV clean comedy. And your act has edge. I mean, it's very rare that a comic with a real strong point of view and edge can do that many late nights. Yeah, again, all my

favorites were Jeff Stilson and Jeff Cesario and obviously Hicks and Stephen Wright. And all those guys had bite to them, obviously, yeah. But I remember watching them going, that's exactly what I want to do. And coming home, you know, drunk and half high from high school and turning on Letterman was like, that was just like gold, baby.

Yeah, of course. You don't want to cut anyone off here. Let me get the old. There we go. Look at you guys. You don't want to cut anyone off here. Let me get the old. There we go. Look at you guys. That's Sam's cooking up on Negroni. Yeah, we do. What do you think?

Let me know what you think. That's good. Got the heroin spoon stirring. Nice. Can I take this off? This is the Negroni, right? Oh, yeah. Ah, smells like freedom.

Not bad, right? Oh, yeah. Ah, smells like freedom. Mmm. Not bad, right? Oh, delightful. That's an easy one to make. It's just three parts, right? Perfect, though. Campari, sweet vermouth, and some good Monkey 47 right there. Hey, nothing wrong with that.

This is what success looks like to me. Oh, yeah. It's also what being a failure looks like, too. Yeah, it's the same thing. Drinking in the afternoon. It's the exact same So how long have you been sober? Me? I've been sober 25 years

Wow That's a run Were you doing stand up when you were Yeah I did stand up for 10 years Until I was about 30 And then We shut it down The team got together What did the going out of business sale look like? I was about 30, and then we shut it down.

What was... The team got together. What did the going out of business sale look like? It was just bad. It was actually in Cleveland, and... Was it Hilarities? No, it was the improv down at the Flats. Sure. Yeah, it didn't look good.

I mean, it's just all the things you would imagine, and I just said this. You know, it's just all the things you would imagine. And I just said this. You know, I was never actually very good at drinking. I just always got hammered and threw up and passed out and started trouble and just everything. It just wasn't working. Yeah. I didn't think I could continue to do it in a productive manner. Were there incidents at the clubs that were the impetus?

Oh, yeah. I got banned from the Comedy and Magic Club for drinking. Wow. And that's the club where they tell you not to curse, too. Yeah. Yeah. No, they were so good to me. And I did so many sets there.

But I got drunk with Slayton there one night. Bobby Slayton. And I couldn't drive. And they asked for my keys, and I said, okay, here's my keys, and then I went, ran out to my car, and I had to hide a key. And they had to pull me out of the car. That's not so bad. No. Except for the kid you ran over after that. But other than that, I thought you were going to hit somebody.

No, there was no... Well, yeah, sure. But no, there was no deaths or prison or anything like that. That was the height of it. But yeah, I stopped in Cleveland. And look, it's uncomfortable.

It's not fun to not drink. Sure. It's easier to drink not drink. Sure. It's easier to drink and relax a little bit, but that's not how it works. Tough place to quit, though. You don't want to be sober in Cleveland. That's a wake-up call. Right, sure.

Yeah, absolutely. And you don't want to be sober in comedy. No, no, no, you don't. A lot of discomfort, a lot of assholes. A lot of awkwardness. A lot of bombing. I don't know. Do you hate drunk hecklers as much as I do? Yeah, the worst.

It's just when they aren't coming at you with anything real, and you're just like, wow, this is this guy's big moment, and I'm in the middle of it. Yeah, it's the worst. And you go, shut the fuck up. And then they pull the guy out, and he goes, I was laughing. I'm like, you called me a homo. How's's that a laugh i was trying to help is the best one you said you hope i get aids and die that was you helping exactly no it's uh it is i resent the bad

drinkers because i think they make us all look bad yeah i don't like like whenever there's someone who does like a drunk driving thing i'm like you're supposed to behave on this shit right so we can keep doing it yeah you know good point keep it at least you're in new york you know i was in la and drinking and you have to drive everywhere and that's not this is pre-uber yeah oh yeah definitely pre-uber definitely pre-uber i remember one time i lost my keys and it was like four in the morning actually it was here in new york when i lived here in like 91 92 and um i uh i knew that my window was open in my apartment so i climbed jumped on the fire escape and climbed up the fire escape and went into the apartment and got into the bedroom and realized i'm in the wrong fucking apartment

oh man that was scary because there was people in there and what do they say and got into the bedroom and realized I'm in the wrong fucking apartment. Oh, man. That was scary because there was people in there. What did they say? They were asleep. Oh, my God. B&E. Jesus Christ. Yeah, oh, my God.

A host of crimes there. That could have been a lot worse. Yeah, for a million. So no one woke up? No one woke up. Wow. The worst thing is you're like, this is so easy to do, is what you realize. Damn.

Was she hot at least? What is this, Manhunter? Well, that sounds like a porno start. Or a start to a porno. Who am I, Yoda? That is crazy. Wow, that's wild. But, you know, it didn't devolve into, like I said, to where it's insanity where you're wrecking cars.

I mean, I wreck cars, but like, you know, DUIs and jail time. Did you ever get arrested for it? No. Oh, you're fine. Yeah, I should get back out there. Yeah. I'm a team. Got a full bar here.

Look at that. I have those drunk nights where I'm like, I can't believe I'm alive. You know, like high school nights and college nights. Holy shoot. I woke up once on the railing of the interstate in my car. Like the two wheels were up on the rail. And I had to pull off. You had to throw away the suicide note.

And you never went, this is not being good. No, no. I said, oh, I'm glad I survived that, and I went to a bar. Yeah. Yeah. It was bad. How about you, Sam? I just like it too much to quit.

It's so much fun. That's the thing. It's so great, and it tastes good. When I was younger, of course I had those blackout nights where I was like, what am I doing? I'm an idiot. Yeah, I could have gotten killed. But, you know, I've hitchhiked drunk.

I've done stupid shit. That was not safe. But you're too young to know any better. Did you hitchhike in Manhattan? It was in New Orleans. Oh, wow. I did this shit and some guy just picked me up. I was wasted.

Whoa. Yeah, and he fucking handed me a joint and we smoked it. And I didn't end up getting sodomized. So's a win i guess yeah not bad but uh i mean yeah dude no you do dumb shit all the time and uh but then you get older and you're like yeah i don't want to have to quit because it's nice and it's a nice way to end yeah you gotta weigh the uh positives and negatives yeah the hangovers are a problem but you know you know, you deal with it. First dates have to be hard sober. They're the worst. They're either,

yeah, really awkward or someone leaves. Yeah. Yeah, well, there's always that. I always put in my, I used to put in my profile

that I was sober, you know, I'd always put, I don't drink, so if that's a problem. Yeah. Do you think that scares people away? Oh, my God, yes. Really? know, I'd always put I don't drink. So if that's a problem. Yeah. Do you think that scares people away? Oh, my God, yes.

Really? Yeah, I think so. I don't think women want to sit there with John Quiet. The worst superhero ever. John Quiet. He's in the library again. They order four Manhattans and you're just like, keep going. Right, right right right

wow so but some women are sober too and you guys probably have a bond yeah i don't think i've ever uh met them really i'm trying to think maybe i have but nothing jumps out oh yes uh the woman i dated for seven years was sober or not even sober she just didn't drink she didn't have a problem but she just was uh kind of a health nut uh-huh and uh so that went well that was good for that's good you you want the other person to be the healthy one you want to be the fuck up in the relationship yeah because it's cooler right it is you got edge i think i think of your jokes all the time like i was reading the einstein book and you have a great Einstein joke. Oh, yeah? About something that's like, oh, yeah, I'll read this book.

Maybe I'll come up with a joke. And I was like, oh, yeah, Nick Griffin already has the best Einstein joke about being divorced. Yeah, Einstein got divorced. And you're like, it shouldn't be, do you take this woman to be your wife? It should be, do you think you're smarter than Einstein? Einstein, yeah. That's brilliant. That's a great one.

Yeah, that was a big one. That was like, I hadn't done TV. Matter of fact, I was also down in New Orleans, and I hadn't gotten on Letterman yet. And I'd just written those like five to seven jokes about divorce. Were you freshly divorced? Einstein was one of them. What's that? Was the divorce very recent?

Yeah, yeah. Well, it wasn't like, it was probably a year. And I remember I was there, down there with Havy, there was an improv at some casino down there. Harrah's. Harrah's.

And it wasn't very good. It was like in a ballroom or something. Yeah, shit, it's gone now. Comedy town. Anyway, I... It's not for me. Not a good comedy town. Anyway, I... It's not for me. Not a good Comedy Town.

Anyway, I got a call that night. I got back from the show, and I got a call that night from the Letterman Show. We want you to do the show. We love the Einstein bit. Whoa, what a feeling. Yeah, yeah. That Einstein bit, I really...

Every now and then you write something, you go, this is going to kill. Yes. It's not like every 10th joke, but maybe every 20th joke, you just go, wow, this is going to definitely destroy. It's a gift from the gods. Yes.

Thank you. It's a gift from showing up in front of the fucking notebook. Yes. All right, here, we'll treat you. Exactly. But boy, when they come, you got to be grateful. Oh my God, yeah, because it's going to be, yeah, six months, a year before it happens again.

Wow, I can't imagine being in New Orleans with Havy. That must have been a fucking hoot. We had a blast, yeah, yeah. We were down there, and, again, that wasn't a great room. I can't even remember. How old were you back then? What year are we talking here? Probably 2000, something like that, maybe 98.

Yeah, I was in high school. No offense. You've been at it a while and I remember playing a club called Looney's in Colorado Springs many years ago and I text Nick

a picture of his headshot on the wall. He must have been 25 in the headshot and he just wrote back, please don't send me the stuff like that. I tell you to do that in every club if he'd find my first headshot and you just wrote back please don't send me the stuff like that tell used to do that in every club he'd find my first headshot and send me a picture of it pull that up yeah i bet you

were a handsome devil i feel uh yeah i feel like you and attell are the late night black coffee cellar drinkers oh yeah maybe a diner 3 a.m yeah dave loves to go to a... Oh, Jesus Christ. Let's see. What do we got? That one in the red shirt's pretty embarrassing. Did you get the... Oh, yeah. What a hunk. Look at that hair.

You look good. Beauty. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Now, did you get the sitcom all that hype back then? Because that felt like the... That seemed to be the blueprint.

Yeah, I did the Letterman there and had a really good set with that uh divorce stuff and um some writer called and uh letterman's company and they put us together and we we got a deal to write a sitcom and then we went out and pitched it with uh producers from the letter from the letterman company and we sold it to ABC, but then we just sold the script, and once they read the script, it wasn't one of them that they chose to shoot a pilot for. Was it a little darker? No, they kind of, no. Well, if you sold it, that's already a win, because I've never even gotten that far, and I've pitched 20 shows.

Really? Oh, my God, yeah. It's different though now. Yeah, it's totally different, right? It's totally different. Yeah, you kind of think, like, man, how long did it take to develop a show pre-Strike? And now you're like, so much of it's like, do we need them? I know, like, I don't know.

It's tough. You don't have a burning desire to have a TV show, do you? Not at all. Especially now. I got into it wanting a sitcom. I didn't even back then. I always just wanted to be a great comic. And, of course, I loved to have the money, and it was going to help me fill seats in a room.

But I wasn't like, I've got to get a sitcom. I get bored. It's a lot of waiting. I i know it's a lot of waiting but if you work with someone else it is a different thing it's fun to like write a show with someone else and i've done that a few times that never worked out and you know developed into anything but i like that i like working with like one other person and creating something but uh i mean stand up will never not be number one yeah but if you guys can create and be creative and make your own thing that's great but you got to create give it to these retards in the suits and then they go I don't know change this here's your notes apply that

then resend it and you're like well now it's different but now do we have I don't know if we have to do that anymore we could just kind of make sure and put it on our YouTube channel that's how I feel just put it out yourself yeah but you're right it does get softened down to where you go i don't even want to do it now yeah exactly exactly oh my god i remember working with the production company with the changes they would try to make to our show they would they would make no sense that was this a sitcom it was an animated show i wrote with dana gould and i loved it i really loved what we made great dan is brilliant and he's uh i had like a very loose idea and he liked it and he was like

we can make this into something great and he he developed it into like 3d like characters with heart and an arc and it was so fun yeah he's brilliant i love i love him and he's also like become a good friend of mine but he uh we working with this company, and the changes they're making, they would contradict the notes in the first paragraph. Exactly. They would contradict the notes in the second. And I'd be like, do you understand that if we pull a thread, it undoes everything? Right.

So we got really frustrated. It was like seven months of building something. I'm sure Dana Gould had been through that a million times. A million times. But he really is like a savant when it comes to building stuff i mean he really was uh the simpsons yeah he's just and he also stand against evil which that's up your that's in your wheelhouse right there horror comedy oh yeah uh he's done a lot of great and his stand-up's great but i mean uh it's it's a tough thing to do it's tough and it's better to make it on all the committee it ruins it it muddies

the waters that's why why a curb is great. It's just one guy's vision. Yeah, even Seinfeld, man. They said they wouldn't take... Larry David said he wouldn't take notes after two or three rounds of notes for Seinfeld. He said, I'm not taking notes. And it's the best show, sitcom ever. Ever, yeah.

So leave us alone. And then sometimes they give you notes. It's like you said. There are people that give good notes. So I've worked with people also the opposite of who I like i'm like these are really constructive notes they weren't forcing me to take any of their notes they were more like what if you did this and i was like oh that's interesting if they're not forcing you and it's more of a conversation right i welcome another voice sure sure you know but if they're trying to just muddy something that you've created and

make into something else and now fuck that it's a waste of time yeah and then it takes a year and a year and a half goes by and people go, whatever happened to that? You're like, well, actually we're still in development. And then you wrote 18 jokes since then. Yeah. I'm the same way. I, I, that's that, that process took like two years and it was always like, have we gotten a call?

Have we gotten a call? And then I'm the guy. This person's on vacation. We can't contact them this week. It's a, it's a holiday. It's Martin Lutheruther king day we can't contact them you know what and in two weeks it's gonna be you know it's another holiday right by the time they respond it's fucking thanksgiving and then like everything's shutting down exactly it's christmas no one works november i wonder who will be on sitcoms in five years or whatever it's not going to be so many comics or it's probably comics

that don't want to be you know comics so much one robot that netflix created one fat robot and then one really hot robot and the fat robots look i don't even know how i got this chick and there's a and there's a laugh track yeah he's like this is the fucking show right here yeah it's it's like king of queens but it's a fucking, they're robots. That's funny. That's funny. You drink too much. Shut up, bitch.

It's okay that he hits her because they're not real people. Right. I'm watching the game. Leave me alone. And he's got a black friend. There's a black robot. There's diversity. So, you know.

Yeah, yeah. It's tough out there. So, yeah. Stand-up's the best. You can just do what you want there so yeah stand-up's the best you can just do what you want yeah stand-up's the best it's like we were saying you know you find that joke uh out of nowhere after you know six months and it makes it all worthwhile then you get that excruciating anxiety from not getting a joke for six months and then you find that joke again six months later i followed you new joke again six months later and i followed you new jokes a couple nights ago and i love that you're always doing new shit and and when you write stuff uh it's like your writing is so concise so there's like i i'm trying to like find a way to

describe your style but it's almost like it's autobiographical it's slow but it's it's autobiographical but also kind of like mr x right and Right. And also, it's like, I don't know. There's very few people who have a style like that. And it's observational as well. Observational. You can break down the couch. Philosophical at times. I broke down the couch.

Yeah. And also, like, it's so short that it's so hard to accumulate. You guys put out a year as well. You're a short joke. Short, short. It is exhausting. It takes forever to put 45 minutes together an hour. I know.

This would be a great segue into new bits. Sometimes we talk about new bits we're working on that are half-cooked. Do y'all have anything like that? I have mostly horse shit right now because we did a two-hour episode just recently where I threw a lot. But most of my ideas are either in the act right now or they're garbage. But I'm sure I have a couple things. Yeah, I got a couple ideas. You want to do one? Well, this one's horrible and everybody hates garbage, but I'm sure I have a couple of things, but yeah, I got a couple ideas. You want to do one?

Well, this one's horrible and everybody hates it, but I think it's got legs. All right. Uh, you know, you got Anne Frank's diary. All right.

My, uh, my buddy's got a kid, a girl who's like 15 and he, the mom found the diary and she was reading and she was like, Jesus Christ, this is terrifying. The hooking up with boys and all that. And she was like, Jesus Christ, this is terrifying,

the hooking up with boys and all that. And you're like, thank God Anne Frank wasn't two years older because it would be mostly handjobs in the diary, you know? So that would, like, the dad would be reading it like, yeah, these Nazis are bad, but Jesus Christ, you blew a guy? Come on! Last night I heard you do it and you were like, thank God she got caught when she did.

Yeah. Oh, my God. For the sake of the family. It's close. There's something here. I think it's an idea because she hasn't gotten horny yet. Thank God she died early. That the dad is like, Jesus Christ, I hope they get us now.

Yes. Yeah. She's in that attic alone. Who knows what she's thinking? Yeah. And she never thought anybody would read it. So she's going to really open up,

you know? That's an idea. Yeah, well, she had a crush on that boy, right? Yes. That could have been. Oh, she did? I haven't read it.

It's been years. I read it in high school. And I saw the play with a young Natalie Portman. Whoa. No. Jewish. Yeah. Perfect, perfect. Whoa! No! Jewish. Yeah.

Perfect, perfect. Well, you never know. You're right. They don't cast Jews a lot as the, yeah. They don't. But I've always said Jews have had a really hard time in Hollywood. And it's a big belief of mine. No, she was great in it.

She's always great. Went to Harvard. Did she? Yeah. She's got it all together. She's always great. Went to Harvard. Did she? Yeah. She's got it all together. She's got an Oscar. Yeah. Is that right?

From Black Swan. And marital problems. Get in there, buddy. Just recently, yeah. I think the guy cheated. Yeah. Wow. I think he's like a ballerina, too.

He was? Yeah. Whoa. You never know what's going on behind closed doors, but that sentence doesn't read well. Ballerina cheats on Natalie Portman. All you're waiting for is the picture of who he cheated with because you're not sure which way to go. Well, it's never, I mean, it's not going to be Natalie Portman.

But you're backstage with all these hot ballerina ladies. I think, you know, it's got to be tempting. Yeah. Oh, of course. And he's like, he's like the... We're just saying on paper, you're like, what the... Of course, of course you know they're all and he's like he's like the we're just saying on paper you're like what the i mean of course of course yeah of course yeah anyone at work is anyone with a sexy type job is gonna have yeah i remember being 16 in a bar drunk and peeing in a urinal and they you know they they wrote all over the walls and one guy wrote the hottest girl you've

ever seen some guy's tired of fucking her and i remember being like whoa 15 year old 16 year old drunk i was like that's unbelievable because i wasn't i never got laid i was a nerd you know yeah so i couldn't fathom fucking a hot girl and getting tired of it it didn't even register that's definitely a quote that when you see as a kid it does you're like yeah yeah that started that's the beginning of growing up. Cause you're just like, I'm just trying to get laid once. Yes, exactly. Exactly.

But my, my wife's always like, who would cheat? Like the M Rada, what's her name? Emily Ratajkowski. Her husband cheated. Yeah.

And she's like, you know, the supermodel, super hot lady. And you're like, it's just different. It's not about who would cheat. By the way,

try having a conversation with her. I'm sure it's, I'm sure that's when you cheat. I'm sure the first time you're fucking her, you having a conversation with her. I'm sure it's I'm sure that's when you cheat. I'm sure the first time you're fucking her, you're not thinking of cheating. I'm sure it's like three months in. Who's the comic who went out with her? Oh, Eric and Eric. Oh, wow. She likes comics. Yeah, I should make

jokes about her. Comics have a chance, it seems. She seems very smart and well-read. She's awesome. Big fan. And I would love to hear her opinion. I read her book. I don't even know if she has's awesome. Big fan. And I would love to give her an opinion. I read her book. I don't even know if she has a book. A diary. It's all about fingering herself

and blowing her goddard. We'll have you as a guest. Come on in, sister. Yeah, I know. She's an attractive woman. Beautiful. Beautiful. To Emily?

Yeah, yeah. Emily or Portman? She almost looks like an alien. I saw her at the Knicks game. That kind of works. I know. No, like sexy aliens. It's like the chicken Mars attacks.

I'm like, I'd fuck her. What's his name's girlfriend? Who? Tim Burton's girlfriend. Oh. The redhead? Oh, I know. Hell of a bottom Carter.

No, he had a girlfriend before that named, fuck, I can't remember her name, something, but she was in Mars Attacks. She was so hot. Oh, yeah. That was a weird movie. Jack Nicholson. It didn't really work. No.

It's weird to see Nicholson in a comedy. Yeah. It was like, I love him in a comedy, but it just didn't work. Crazy cast, though. Oh, dude, I remember Jack Black and a lot of names. Lisa Marie. Lisa Marie, that's who it is. I don't know her.

Who's that? She just passed away. That was Tim Burton. She did? Lisa Marie Presley? No, no, this is just Lisa Marie. No Presley. Oh.

Yeah. Jack Black, DeVito, Annette Bening. I mean, Pierce Brosnan. Annette Bening. She was a dime piece. I think Martin Short's in it. Michael Jay, Sarah Jessica Parr, Natalie Poore. Everybody's in Martin Short.

Martin Short, yeah. Christina App. Everybody's in this. Old Appy. Oh, yeah. Good Lord, what a cast. I might have to make another Negron. This is fucking good, dude.

Get a Negron. Rod Steiger. I love it. I love it. I've just been drinking on the beach all day, so I'm trying to pace. Oh, you were in Brighton Beach? I went to Brighton Beach. Dude, I've never, I'm a New Yorker.

I've never been there. It's beautiful. It's all Russian. Great Russian food, right? Great Russian food. We got Russian food with the wife. We took the car down. Beautiful day, by the way.

Beautiful. Yeah. And I did a podcast last week on Brighton Beach, and I was like, I walked out, and I said, let me see the water. Clean, pretty, empty. I was like, everybody talks about Rockaways or Jacob Reese or whatever the fuck. Yeah, I heard Jacob Reese yesterday. See?

But Brighton Beach is a hidden gem. What, do you take the R train there? I drove, but you can take the F or the R. Yeah, it's right down there. It's on the way to Coney Island, and it's beautiful. It's in Perogies. Yeah. Busy? Not too bad. Not too bad today. It's on the way to Coney Island, and it's beautiful. It's in Torogues. Yeah. Busy?

Not too bad. Not too bad today. Jumped in the water. I was in the ocean today. Yeah? It's just right there, and we all take it for granted. What was the ethnic mix there? It was a big mix.

It was very Eastern Bloc. Yeah. I've seen only white people there is what I was trying to get at. There was some Hispanic as well. But yeah. But it was great. It seems like they kind of keep a stiff arm. There's some Hispanic as well but yeah. But it was great. It seems like they kind of like

keep a stiff arm. There's a little of that. Yeah. On diversity? I think so. Really? It's more communist there than Russia

I heard because they all moved here in the 60s when communism was kicking and then they never evolved whereas Russia even evolved but they just stayed you know

the same way. Yeah Russia seems like a really chill place right now. Jeez. I was reading the the pudin book by uh what are you uh i was just on vacation you read on vacation you sit by the fucking water let me get some light reading and get a pudin's biography well i i didn't finish i read the first couple hundred pages i was just curious but it's literally it's interesting because but it reads like a fucking novel because every chapter is like,

you're like, I bet this is like a really interesting history in Russia. And then you're just like every chapter, they introduce a new guy and I'm like, I bet this guy gets shot in the face. And curve ball. He does every time. Every time some guy's like,

I don't think Putin's a good guy. And then he's like, you know, like a dimly lit staircase and the light goes out and he gets shot in the face. That's literally every chapter. The proof is in the Putin.

Someone opposes Putin, and they just get murdered. Yeah. Did you pause the Stalin podcast you were listening to to get through the Putin book? Jesus, that's dark. What a vacation. Well, you know, I live two blocks from the Strand bookstore, so you're bored, you're killing some time, and you're like, ah, that could be interesting. Whatever's going to maybe fuel a bit, I don't know. Yeah, and the biographies are the best.

Yeah. Nothing's better than a biography. I don't know. That's great, though. I'm proud of you. That's a good look, though, sitting in Greece reading a Putin book. Yes. You know, you look like a talented Mr. Ripley or something.

Yeah, you look like a diplomat or something. Right before I killed a guy in his boat. Yes. Good movie. Great movie. Not bad, yeah. I think that was the height of Gwyneth Paltrow's beauty. She's not, like, super sexy, but she looks...

She's super hot in that movie. She kind of glows. She glue. Yeah. Glue? Goop. And also Philip Seymour Hoffman is incredible. Oh my God.

It was on TV the other day. It's a great movie. And a great fucking book. Patricia Highsmith. There you go. Oh, a couple. You could read a couple Ripley's. You're a big, you're a horror guy.

I like crime too. I read a lot of crime, yeah. True crime or like noir? No, noir stuff. Like a lot of Patricia Highsmith. She's good. Yeah, she's great. So there's a 90s Ripley movie with...

John Malkovich? Malkovich. Yeah. Yeah. Not handsome at all. Oh. Oh, a remake. It's an original.

Original from the 90s. He plays... He plays... He plays Ripley. Huh. Who's the other guy? Yeah, who's the... Oh, look it up.

Who's Dickie? Or is that Matt Damon? No, Dickie. Dickie's Jude Law. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Whenever I hear Jude Law's name, I think of Rock. Jude Law.

Remember when he trashed Jude Law? Remember Sean Penn defended him? Yes, yes. That was great. Wow, that was amazing. That was the original Will Smith slap when Sean Penn checked in. Really, yeah. That was a weird Oscar.

That was like an oral slap. It was like right when actors were slowly not being able to laugh at themselves. Yes. That was like preceded the Ricky Gervais just torching everyone. I feel like Rock went lighter, and they were just like, I remember Sean Penn came out like, Jude Law is a really good actor. That's a pretty good Sean Penn. That's not bad. It's 2002 called Ripley's Game.

Yes! It's not a remake. I remember this. Oh, that must have been after it though, no? Yeah, it was after. I think Talented Mr. Ripley was in the 90s. Really? 90s? No, no way. I think it was 90s. I think Ripley was late 90s. Talented. Yes, that's what I'm saying.

So this is 2002. Oh, sorry. Okay. Wow. What a weird jump it is. We talk movies on this podcast like a motherfucker. We love movies. You're going to see Oppenheim?

Of course. Does that interest you? I can't wait. I can't wait. Yeah, I haven't seen it. I might. It's hard to get me to go to a movie. I know, but this one is like, this one I think you got to see in the theater.

And Barbie. It got tremendous reviews. Oh, good. Thank God. I even want to see Mission Impossible. I mean, I feel like is like, this one I think you got to see in the theater. And Barbie. It got tremendous reviews. Oh, good. Thank God. I even want to see Mission Impossible. I mean, I feel like it's like a fun. It looks so good. Yeah.

He's just like, at a certain point, you just got to applaud. Yeah, his movie stardom. He's so solid. I just rewatched. Here's my rec. I just rewatched Captain Phillips. It's good. Great.

I've never seen it. With the Tom Hanks one? Yeah. I'm the captain now. It's so good! You would love it! It's a true story, too. Great movie. Just riveting. You're on the edge of your seat the whole time. The acting's great.

Tom Hanks kinda nails the accent for the first time in his life. There he is. What was that guy supposed to be? Somali Pirates. Where is he from? Vermont from? Somali pirates. No, but where is he from? Oh, I can't remember. Vermont. Oh, he's an American?

He's a Vermont guy. But where's the boat supposed to be? They're off the some kind of... Somali? The Balkans. They're in water. They're by the Balkans, whatever that means. What's that one?

Not... Kajubi. Kajubi? Mabuti. Djibuti. Djibuti.ajubi? Mabuti. Djibouti. He's right by Djibouti. It's basically like the formula for Air Force One, but on a boat. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

But it's real. Yeah. It happened. Ted Alexander had that great bit about, boy, pirates have really changed. He's a guy with a parrot and a fucking eyepatch, and now it's some Somali guy who's trying to steal your cargo. How come they don't carry guns on these ships? There's no guns. Why not? He's got a parrot and a fucking eyepatch, and now it's some Somali guy who's trying to steal your cargo. How come they don't carry guns on these ships?

There's no guns. Why not? If you guys are attacking with guns, how come you don't attack them? That's what I said. I don't know. Maybe they can't have them in certain waters or something. I don't know. I don't know, but that was a big thing. International waters?

They have a meeting. I don't want to ruin it, but they have a meeting in the hull with all the crew, and they're like, if there ain't no guns here, let's go home, Captain. Let's get out of here. They're coming back. They're coming back. And he's like, no, we're gonna do our delivery. Oh, the Somalis didn't have any guns. No, no, they have guns. Oh, they do. They have AK-47s. Those guys don't have guns to shoot

back for some reason. Yeah, they have hoses. That's all they got. Hoses. That's a lot of good that does. I know. Well, tell that to the civil rights. I'll make you wet. That's all they got? Sounds like me with my wife.

But yeah, great movie. Check it out. Yeah. You ever do any movies? You mean be in any movies? Yeah. No, no, I haven't been in any movies. I'd like to be in a horror movie.

But you write movies. You love horror. Yeah, I'm a big horror movie fan. Mark and I feel like we don't know horror as well yeah well there's you know there's a new one uh relatively new in the last three years called antlers that i thought was really really good that it was with carrie russell oh okay it was and uh she was lovely right lovely great mission impossible she's one of them and she was a uh And she was a Mickey Mouse girl, a Mouseketeer. That's a real skyrocket to fame.

She's been in show business forever. Some of those people have been, yeah. Ryan Gosling, Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears, a lot of Mouseketeers. Have you seen- Mouseketeers. I came with a couple recommendations. Please, lay it on me, Fetty. Salt and Sea.

What is that? Is that the book? No, it's a it's a noir movie with Val Kilmer pull it up never heard of it

I fucking love Val Kilmer oh he's great I just watched Real Genius for the first time I'd never seen it I'd never seen it

80's classic he's amazing he's great he steals it it's pretty funny what is Real Genius with Val Kilmer

oh it's so funny it's so well done I love him smart movie smart jokes and that another 2002 movie hmm this is around the year you went to you got letterman yeah probably yeah bd wong oh he was good yeah Yeah. I like him. It's all about meth. The meth trade. This is right after 9-11 when things got dark. Fight Club. They always had the same vibe.

Oh, Goldberg. Goldberg, yeah. Oh, this is very druggie. It's all about drugs. I've never heard of it. This looks fun. And what's his name? Fuck.

Who's that guy? Sarsgaard is so good. I thought he should have gotten an Oscar nomination for this movie. Dude, Mark loved, Mark turned me on to the Val Kilmer documentary, which I watched. How was it? It's incredible. It's heartbreaking, though. Heavy.

Yeah, it's incredible it's heartbreaking though i mean yeah it's it's on amazon it's i mean it was like it breaks your heart because he's so he's just great i he's one of those dudes that i feel like was just in a lot of bad movies yes but when but when he got a meaty role he just crushed it yeah there's another good uh val kilmer movie called spartan i don't know it was written by David Mamet, the guy who wrote Glengarry Gooders. Sure, yeah. I love Mamet. That's another crime movie. I don't know Spartan. Spartan, yeah. I'm watching both of these. I'm watching these too. These are great.

How do we miss these? Ed O'Neill. Love Ed O'Neill. Mamet. And directed. A fat woman came into the shoe store today. Let's rock. No, ma'am. Still acting.

Boy, he was a hunk. He was a hunk, man. And he was just so fucking funny, too. Funny, top secret was great. Top secret rules. Wow. You know what movie I love him in is Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Oh.

Great movie. I fucking love that movie. Great popcorn. And he also just crushes it. That's Shane Black, I think. I love Shane Black. I watch The Nice Guys like every three months. I just watched half of that on a plane.

It's on Netflix now, so I just watch it. It just puts me in such a good mood. It's just a fucking good vibe. I'll tell you, I watched it about two months ago. Half of it you couldn't do today. Is that Robert Downey Jr.? Yeah, every joke is like,

slur, slur, Asian, gay, a lot of gay stuff, a lot of women stuff, a lot of rape stuff. Yeah, but he's gay in it. That's true, that helps.

Who, Val Kilmer? Yeah, he's Gay Perry, the PI. Gay Perry. That movie, we watched it on the tour bus and everyone was kind of like,

here we go, and then within like, five minutes, everyone was like, this is fucking awesome. It's great. It's so good. I saw someone post this scene yesterday on a TikTok video, and it reminded me of it. It's like a realistic version of what this actually happens when you try and break somebody's window. Oh, yeah.

It broke all the rules, this movie. Oh, losing a lot of blood here. movie oh losing a lot of blood here it's the same scene where they go up to like stop the shootout and they uh they go up in the elevator and they just see everyone getting shot and they just puss out and go back in the elevator i mean it's like you never see shit like that in movies they're always like heroic but they're great when stuff is like that it's so good yeah shame black is is fucking great man the saint is another is another good Val Kilmer movie. Yes. Wasn't he a blind guy?

No. Was that with... No, that's the one he turned down for... That's Love at First Sight, you're thinking. Oh. The Saint is the one he did. He turned down the Batman movie to do that. Oh.

And that fucked him. That was his second Batman movie? Yeah. That would have been his second movie? But he hated doing Batman. Yeah, the first one sucked. Second one sucked second one sucked who's the bad guy in in batman was that mr freeze yeah that was the one that would have been

schwarzenegger second we're talking like the technically they were the third and fourth right counting michael keaton but it was like i think that was uh yeah i like the keaton ones too they were fun tim burden yeah but remember uh mr free chill out yeah cool down he had always had a cold line although uh uma thurman is poison ivy unreal gorgeous oh yeah good looking lady yeah but then no one made the batman movies fucking cool as hell nolan he's the only one who's allowed to promote oppenheimer because he's in the director's guild. They're not striking. Yeah, but I think they all probably feel weird. It's weird to have something come out now.

Of course. Boy, even the... My uncle. Even the costumes back then didn't look as good as they do now. It's like cosplay. They look cheap. Yes, it's like a Comic-Con bitch.

That was the problem with this movie is that they were trying to be like kind of campy, but it just didn't work. Yes. And then Nolan went dark. I mean, campy can work, but like it just didn't work here. And then they did Dark Knight. I mean, the Batman McGinnis was incredible.

Oh, yeah. Changed it up. Was that the first one? Yeah, that was the one where he's like training and shit. Yeah. And a badass. I mean, that was an incredible. Everyone talks about The Dark Knight because of Heath Ledger,

but I thought that first one was pretty damn good too. Oh, it was great. That was Liam Neeson? Yeah. Killian Murphy. You've seen pictures of Nick Cage as the Superman. What the fuck? How did that?

Whoa, that never got made, right? No, that was supposed to be with Kevin Smith? No, Burton. Oh. What? Yeah, and they tried him out and everything for it. Oh, my God. He looks like the guy from The Room.

What is he doing? Hello, Mark. He looks like trans Nicolas Cage there. He does. Nicole Cage. Nicole Cage. He's too intense to be Superman. You're right.

Aye. Yeah, everyone at the Daily Planet would have caught on. Yeah. Like, dude, you were fucking emo. Right, right. Right. He looks, yeah, he just looks like an alcoholic or a heroin addict here. He looks like the guy on the Sunset Strip who's dressed as Superman.

You're like, dude, it's not going to work. Dude, Face Off was on TV. Yeah, that hair does not work at all. Face Off is a great action movie. Holds up. It's insane. Talk about campy. They nail it because they're so over the top.

That's John Woo, right? Yeah. It's fucking hilarious. That's a campy movie that works. You know what I realized? They just cut out any part of like story they're like we're just gonna lose

story or bad just make every scene insane woo damn you good looking so bad Face Off is amazing but good Con Air

all those The Rock loved all of that those are both good but I think Face Off is on another level Face Off I like both of those too

I mean Connery was so fucking cool you know what I got a great rec for you guys. Hit me. Old school Connery and Michael Caine, The Man Who Would Be King. I haven't seen it. I don't know that one.

Incredible movie. Pull it up. I haven't seen it. The Man Who Would Be King. I bet it's got a hot Rotten Tomatoes. Christopher Plummer's in it too. Oh, he's always good. That's a badass movie.

It's like they basically take over. It's got like Apocalypse Now vibes. He takes over this little village and they basically like they think he's a god and it's fucked up it's really great what did i just watch with plumber it's about the newspaper what did i just watch with plumber about the newspaper oh and pacino insider i told you to watch insider amazing i told you that's michael mann he's the king i say that's michael mann's best movie and i love michael easily but the insider is a fucking 10 and russell crowe killed it isn't that a great movie great you were texting i told mark to watch there's a guy who can

pull it together at any moment is russell crowe yeah he could he's so good but mark's texting me while he's watching he's like this is fucking insane I was like about to go on stage and Mark's like dude this movie rules yeah and it's there's not much action

but you're like it's a lot of talking but you're just sucked in you're locked into it it's so good that's good filmmaking when it's

you can get that kind of suspense out of a thriller without any violence that's one of just good writing Val Kilmer's best roles as Heat oh Heat yeah he's got a small he's got a small part but it's great for him I love him so good That's one of Val Kilmer's best roles is Heat. Oh, Heat, yeah.

He's got a small part, but it's great for him. I love him. So good. Damn. He always rings the most, even in Top Gun, he was like, I'm just this hot blonde guy. Now I got to, he had to make us a meal out of it. Right, make us something, yeah. Yeah, he rules.

I heard a conspiracy theory that the Connery character from The Rock is 007 after he got retired. Oh, really? That's fun. And there's little hints if you look inside The Rock that he's saying, I had this case that I was working on. He mentioned some case he was working on why he got arrested. And it's what happens in one of the 007 movies

that he starred in. Wow. You know who the new Bond's gonna be? Who? Dylan Mulvaney. Just gonna know. You gotta love Reddit new Bond's going to be? Who? Dylan Mulvaney. Just going to announce. You got to love Reddit because of the shit they throw on there. They're like, we got a conspiracy for you. And you're like, oh, and it's like a cool one like that. And then the next one is like, Jews eat babies.

And you're like, all right. I mean, you guys have range. I'll give you that. There was one about you guys last week. What? Yeah. Which one of you actually drinks more? What do you think?

It's the same. I think it's about the same, but I think it varies. Like every now and then I'll go on a bender and you're doing good and you'll go on a bender and I'm doing good.

I think I hear stories about Mark because I was just doing the Great Outdoors Fest and Laura Peek was on the show and she was like, Mark and I drank till 5 a.m. And I'm like, damn, I don't really do that anymore.

So I was like, in my head, I'm like, maybe Mark has the edge. Well, we were in Grand Rapids. You're getting competitive? We had to drink, yeah. But I also just, you know, but then Salacuse mentioned this to me before the pod,

and he was like, but Mark does shrooms, and you only drink. So that's where. You might take a night off and do shrooms. You don't do shrooms? I don't do anything but alcohol. Do you? I just like alcohol. Oh, you would love him.

You would love him. He's in the program. You're the kind of guy who would love him. Well, I think he can dabble in a vegetable. Yeah, that's possible. I got some gummies you want to try. He's sober. But you put on the thing.

You put a pot of tea on, have a shroom gummy. It's a great night. Mark, will you do one more of these or are you done? Sure, I'll do another one. All right. It's early. Want to put the mic back on? Yeah, mic pack.

Hand me a drink. This is exciting. It's an action-packed episode. You're moving around. I'm moving, baby. I'm moving and shaking, I'll tell you. All right. So you're still on the road constantly.

Yeah, I probably do. Well, I probably, not as many. I used to do 40, 42, 43 weeks a year, but now I probably do 30. Yeah, I do less. 30 is still a good number. 30 is a lot. Yeah, that's a good number. Yeah, I do less. 30 is still a good number. Yeah, it's a good number. Oh, yeah. But you love it, though, don't you?

What's the one you look forward to? You mean what city? Yeah. Oh, geez. Come on, Nick. You've been to every goddamn city. You did two nights in Wuhan last year. You know, a lot of those Midwest cities

I like because they're just... People are into it. I like Omaha a lot. Omaha's funny bone is incredible. One of the best funny bones, for sure. And she's so nice. I love Colleen. Colleen!

I've been drinking. Forget I brought it up. No, no, Colleen. When I played the club, she was talking about how much she loves you, and I was like, fuck it. Oh, yeah. We've been friends forever. Did you guys hook up?

No. Come on, Nick. Resist that silver fox. Yeah. Omaha, what else do you like, Nick? She's more of a mother figure to me, which actually doesn't stop me from... That's a genre of porn. That's right.

No, but I like Omaha. I like Kansas City. I like... Oh, you're a Midwest man. Yeah. Aren't you from Kansas? What's that? Yeah, I'm from Kansas.

Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Damn, you got a New York vibe. Yeah. Maybe it's just the depression. Maybe that's... I mean, it probably is a little, yeah.'t know that. Yeah. Damn, you got a New York vibe. Yeah. Maybe it's just the depression. Maybe that's it. I mean, it probably is a little, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

But I think that's part of your act that I like, is that you have like a Midwest sensibility, but there's like something very New York about you, too. Right. Yeah. I think it's because I kind of got my start in New York. I went there after about two years of doing stand-up, and I only stayed for like three, four years,

but I got that just running around doing sets you know hurriedly anxious and all that stuff yeah and there was so much going on back then like back then there was like 20 cable tv shows you could get on and everyone was trying to do it and who are the kings of new york back then when you well just uh the likely suspects you know uh louis dave sarah mark maron uh were you cool with all of them jeff ross yeah but i i kind of kept to myself um who else was back there did the tough crowd crew bother you no i wasn't there oh you weren't there i moved to la before that oh gotcha yeah and some of those guys weren't even here yet i mean colin was here he was killing it and

oh yeah ray romano was killing it and judy gold was killing hell yeah all those people yeah all still doing it that's nice to see yeah hey everybody we might be drunk is brought to you by sheath underwear i bet I'm wearing it right now. Yeah, same. Are you checking? Oh, look at that. Boom. Bam, folks.

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or at a retailer near you plus we might be drunk listeners get 20 off their first liquid death apparel purchase available exclusively at liquid death.com slash drunk. Exclusions may apply. That's liquiddeath.com slash drunk. Thank you. Keep the burp. Yeah, well, who was, like, were there anyone, did anyone do you feel like took you under your wing at that point, or was it kind of like?

You know, the head writer for Conan now, well, the guy who used to be head writer. Brian Kiley? No, Mike Sweeney. Oh, yeah. He's great. He was super, super nice to me. Mark Cohen was super nice to me.

I hung out with the Tell. Yeah, most of those guys. Todd Berry a little bit. Tell might have the best line about you. You guys did some podcast that I listened to, and you said something, and the room got bummed out, and Tell goes, let me open a window and let the sad out. Yeah, that's true.

That actually did happen. That was such a good line. No, it was great. I remember thinking that is the perfect. He's the king of that. He's the king, that he's the king and it's just so natural and easy

and but yeah he's I mean I remember I mean I hate to make this about Dave Attell but I remember from

91 people coming down from upstairs at the Olive Tree to come down and watch Dave do sets and it's still happening

still happening and he's also just a great guy yeah it helps so much that he's just the coolest also but yeah i wonder when he's gonna put that next special i know he shot something in sf and uh yes of course i text him i'm like dude i can't wait to see it and he's just like it's okay yeah that's what i was so pessimistic it was amazing i was there he murdered every night he killed yeah roof came off. His comedy just made, it's like, he's a dude that like, cause I watched him since I was a kid.

So he's the dude that when I go down, I watch, I feel like I'm a kid again. Everyone does. You just forget your bullshit and you're like, oh, this is what it feels like to pay for. Cause we all get jaded doing this for this long. But then when you watch Dave, there's something that like, it takes you out of this and you just feel like you paid for a ticket and it lost the comedy.

It just all works. You know, the look and the tone and obviously the world class jokes. It just, in one package, it just doesn't get better.

I don't, it doesn't get better than that. He's the king and I always say he won't, this is gonna, this is dark, but I don't think

he's gonna get the love he deserves until he dies. Let me open the window here. Let me open the window here. But I'm saying when he dies, everybody's going to come out. The outpouring is going to be insane. But it should be insane now.

I resent that shit. I really resent that shit. I do too. That's why we try to blow him every show. And I really like when the fucking fake Patrice fanboys come out of the woodwork and they're just like i always knew and i'm like were you buying tickets when he was alive exactly oh are you just a fucking poser right i hate that shit it bothers me because you know we've lost so many great comics in the last you know 10 to 15 years you know we were fortunate i remember like one of the

best nights of my comedy life as a spectator is watching greg giroldo's hour with mark at you and me in the back of comics just fucking laughing our ass off comics right i mean 14 but dude but we were like inspired like this is what comedy is greg giroldo dude like shitting on hecklers doing social, personal stuff. Like Greg was so sharp and funny. Yeah, he was great. He was amazing. I love this stuff. I loved it.

I saw him at Gotham. I saw him at Comics. I remember one magical night, Mark Maron's podcast was new and kind of niche. It was like a fringe thing, a podcast. It was so new. And he did a live one at Comics with Mark Maron, Greg Giral david tell and morgan murphy wow and david tell and and giraldo ran it they just had a million great lines and it was fucking amazing and mark maron kind of just threw his hands up he's like you guys just go yeah they were killing so hard

just riffing and zinging on maron a lot which is great at one point greg's like morgan i think you fucked all of us you know she's a really funny she's a great joke writer she's an underappreciated comic i agree well she writes on every show in l.a like she's a sought after but you brought up brian kiley a minute ago man i saw i saw some brian kiley bits the other day like fucking brilliant one-liners oh my god yeah he. Oh, Mr. X. He's amazing. He had a joke about how I knew a nice mafioso when I was young. He would actually pay me just $20 every day just to start his car. Just such a sweet guy. That's a great joke.

They were all Mr. X. We were like, damn, he's great. I call my wife Pumpkin because you get smashed around the holidays. I'm so Irish, my blood type is around the holidays. I'm so Irish. My blood type is O apostrophe. I mean, he's brilliant. He's got a million of them. I love his stuff.

That's funny. Yeah, he's awesome. I love just straight jokes. I do, too. It's rare. It's so great to see a great joke. Just what, you know, every night. It's awesome.

Yeah, he's like, my name's Brian Carley, which is very Irish. My uncle's even more Irish. His name is Potato McSmallpenis. Just hard jokes. They're just hard jokes. I love them. It's amazing that you can create something that never existed and then make it funny. Yes!

That's impossible. Yes, exactly. Think of something that's never existed. Now make that funny. Yeah. Oh, he had one about something about a bouncy house. And he's like, my dad was so broke, he never could afford a bouncy house. But he wrote a couple of bouncy checks or something like that.

I'm butchering it, but it was great. Yeah, he was so cool. He's a dude I met when I was like 18 or 19 doing stand-up. And I remember like. Sweetest guy. He was chatting me up at the bar. I think he was kind of curious because I was like a child in the bar. And he was like, he was so fucking nice, you know? That sounded creepy. Yeah, what the hell, man? He was like, you're kind of curious because i was like a child in the bar and and he was like he was so

fucking nice you know that sounded creepy yeah what the hell he was like you're kind of a cute kid now yeah uh no he said uh i remember he was telling me sandwiches i don't know i went up to him and i was like man i like your comedy a lot i knew he was and uh and he told he was telling me i was like i saw you on dr cats i like. I liked Dr. Katz as a kid. Sure. My brother watched Dr. Katz, so that made me watch Dr. Katz. It was like that line on Comedy Central, Dr. Katz and the Critic, which was like the best fucking line on TV at the time. I loved both those shows.

But he was just talking. He was like, yeah, man, I do crowd work, and I'm like filthy when I do crowd work. And then I do my act, and it's squeaky clean. So people are like, what the hell is wrong with you? But I remember he was so freaking nice. And then whenever I do Conan, he's a writer there. So he and Laurie Kilmartin would always, like, say what's up and chill. They were awesome.

They're cool. She's got great jokes. I saw her at the stand, I don't know, a month ago, and she had all this killer new stuff I'd never heard. It was gold. Yeah, she's fucking funny. Yeah, she's great. She writes a ton.

Oh, yeah. She writes a lot. Oh, yeah. Just sharp. Boom, boom, boom. Yeah, those Conan writers just have that muscle where they every day. Well, Conan's not going to hire scrubs. Conan's a fucking great comedian.

I wish Conan would come back on the TV. I just. Yeah, I thought he was doing something on Max. What's going on? Isn't he doing something? The podcast is big. Yeah, the podcast is huge, and it may just be enough for him. He's just so...

Was Conan your Letterman guy or Conan, or was it a little bit of both? It was a little bit of both, but I was really, really, really into Letterman when I was young. My favorite Letterman joke ever was they were riffing. Dave was at the desk, and Paul said, hey, what did you do this weekend, Dave? And he goes, I did the same thing I do every weekend. I sat at the end of the bed with my face in my hands. I remember being a kid going, wow, that is fucking dark. Yeah.

Also, it's got some you in it. I feel like there's an influence there. But it's just so, wow. Wow, because this millionaire TV star is still sad. Yeah. That's fucking great. And it was funny, but man. Yeah, he was quick.

Is there something about that, like, you can reach the pinnacle and you're still like, well, this ain't it. This isn't what i said something i think about all the time where somebody said hey do you like being a celebrity he's like well i'm so insecure that if i wasn't celebrity i don't know if i could handle life because i need people being that nice to me and i remember like whoa that's interesting yeah that is interesting it's such a positive that is like the definition of a celebrity, too. Yes.

It's like people being nice to you just to make sure you're okay. And for a guy to admit it like that. You know, everybody tries to act cool, like, oh, yeah, it's all great. But he said that, and it blew my mind. I had such a positive experience with Dave that it was like, I mean, it was like crazy. It was crazy that he was that nice. I feel like I got him at an amazing time because he had been. Was that a festival?

We did the Netflix Fest. So he interviewed me on his show. Yeah, I saw that. So I'm just sitting down with Letterman and I'm like, dude. Insane. I went and watched. I had to see you two together. The world's colliding.

It's fascinating. But yeah, no, it's like when I'm like Norman's, I literally, there was other people on the show that had like 40 people there. I had my agent and Mark I'm like that's all I have real let down people have like family there and I'm like

I got Norman and Berkowitz that's what I got so you know but I'm there and of course you know the first show we did two the first one

you were pretty nervous but the second one I'm like you know first one went pretty well but the second one I fucking I was like I'm in

I'm ready because he was so nice and chill I mean I think he when he did those shows it was five episodes a week four or five episodes a week

he's kind of run down he's probably cranky because how do you do that job and not be cranky but when I did it like I remember reading an Apatow's book this interview with Dave

he goes I'm so isolated right now that I just I'm talking to random dudes in the coffee shop because I'm bored I miss it so I just I'm talking to random dudes in the coffee shop because I'm bored I'm missing you so I'm like can you imagine you're in a coffee shop and David Letterman starts interviewing you he's like so what are you up to yeah right so I got that Letterman where he was like so happy to be doing this and he was such he was so positive and like

talking about our rooftop special Matt like wow I'm in. I'm in the green room with Dave before, and he was like, this is so interesting to me that you just created something out of nothing. And I'm like, I got that Dave. Not edge of his bed with his hands in his hands. No. I got a very,

he was very positive, and he was very kind, and I was like, man, it's funny when you're a kid, you're like, I'll do anything to get on Letterman, and then you're like, well, it's not that Letterman I'm on, but this is like, this was fucking crazy. It's almost better in some ways.

For me, it was like, you know, Mark and I have done our fair share of late night sets. And, you know, they're cool. But I remember one time I met, I had a conversation with Norm MacDonald at Caroline's about late night. I was just like, man, I would kill to do, I know, I love the shirt, but I was like, I would kill to do panel. And he was like, no, stand-up's better because you don't have to wait for someone to tee you up. You just tell the jokes.

And I was like, in my head, but I was thinking like, but I think the bar is lower when you're on panel because they just set you up. And if you're funny, the audience is like, oh my God, that was like a riff. So true. So to me, I didn't agree with that but that's how i felt it was like man the uh we're so dialed in now because we're just so used to podcasting we're so used to talking and we're so like i have jokes in my back pocket if the conversation ain't going well but i think

you're just given such a bonus if you hit on panel as opposed to stand up where they're like if every line is not a fucking home run you're a failure whereas if you have one home run on a panel set people are like holy shit that was killer like rodney on carson like every every line it was a hit every line and let's be it was a setup joke but whatever yeah of course and let's be honest no not to throw shade as the kids say but you get a madonna on there what the hell she's talking about and then you come out there with some killer stories and some mr x you're gonna you're gonna win yeah i i like what i would do late night and maybe this is true for you but like you would have i don't want to name names but if

there's like a dud first guest you'd be like like, this is great because they're going to be so eager. Yes. The audience is going to be so eager to hear something funny or entertaining or whatever. And those Letterman crowds were white hot. I also found that sometimes the best Conan's that I ever had was following Bill Burr, though. Oh, really? So I think sometimes when someone whips him into shape. Oh, interesting.

The guests on that show were Bill Hader, Bill Burr, and then me. Wow. And I feel like Bill Hader killed, Bill Burr just annihilated, and then I go out and they're just like ready to rock. Right. Whereas I remember some of the sets I wasn't as pleased with,

the guests weren't good. So I think sometimes it can work both ways. Yeah, it could. I had JWoww one show, and I was like, oh, I got this. You know, I'm going to save this whole fucking show. I had a rough set one show and I was like oh I got this you know I'm gonna save this whole fucking show I had a rough set but that's to your point no I think sometimes having a great killer guest before you can really save the day oh yeah um but yeah I mean the hunger is it is a thing I mean and you're definitely watching them like I'll bring it around but sometimes I'm watching them

like you're fucking killing the whole I remember following Cory Booker and Fallon. And I'm like, you think I'm going to follow? Yeah, from Newark. Yeah, I'm like, you think I want to follow Hope? I'm fucking, this is brutal. And then, of course, it's hilarious. He comes to the green room afterwards. And my mom is there.

My mom's like, Mr. Booker, what you've done for Newark? I'm like, great. Now he's going to hang for like 30 minutes. And he did. He's a good politician. He was like, I gotta vote right here. Let me fucking work it. Very nice guy. Very nice guy. But, you know, I was kind of like, this guy buried me.

This motherfucker buried me. With your own mom? Oh, well, I hope I didn't bury her. I had Nick Offerman once, and he was funny in the green room. He was in that common area. For Conan? Yeah, and there was one point where I had to walk through with a towel on

because they were steaming my shit because it was all wrinkled. And he's like, shave the boy and send him to my room. And everyone's laughing. I was like, whoa, Offerman's on. Yeah, yeah. He's so damn good. He's a talent. I mean, he's like a great actor, but he also, I mean, like Parks and Rec, that shit's pretty legendary.

Oh, yeah. Solid, so solid. And he's married to Megan Mullally. Can you imagine? They're just both pretty cool. So funny, so cool. They look like showbiz. I mean, and not in the old fashion, but just like solid talent.

It's like Spencer Tracy and Hepburn. Yeah. But comedy. Yeah. But comedy. There was apparently Spencer Tracy back in the day was such a drunk that the studio would hire someone to shadow him when he'd go to bars. And if he would get too blackout, they would just like carry him into a car because they didn't want it to be a news story. I got to get that guy.

Yeah, you do. What a gig. What a legendary drunk yes yes because he was such an icon that you couldn't let him fuck up too much i guess man wow i love that old hollywood show but i mean it was like it was just like a cooler time and now it's like so corny i feel like but like back then so corny so corny camera on you every moment like that he'd say some horrible word at a bar and he'd be ruined but you can't be like that anymore exactly or you'd be ruined in a second but i mean there's something so fun about being like an old showbiz drunk totally totally with the studio having a car for you

and all that stuff and making sure it all works out and yeah yeah that is nice you know like i was on the beach today and i told the wife i was like hey watch this and i just stood on the sand and started peeing you know in the bathing suit and it's dripping down i had a few margaritas and uh i just kept thinking like thank god all these people are russian and don't know who the fuck i am because i can do this otherwise they're like headline tmz mark norman defecates on beach or whatever the fuck and you're like let me just be an idiot

like Spencer Tracy I don't know how he was like bragging about how pristine these beaches were and he's like I pissed all over him I buried it you know

I moved the sand around that's a classic the peeing on yourself I went in the ocean it's a classic I don't know I thought everybody did that is that not a common

that's a pretty low classic wow Mark shits his pants in a comedy? That's a pretty low classic. Wow. Mark shifts his pants in a bar. I'm doing a bit. It's a classic. Woo, it killed. It was something like Asian Kid.

I was on vacation with a woman, and this is my classic bit. Okay, here we go. We're in a nice pool in Greece. It's like a nice hotel, and I'm like, I is funny i'm like come here a second i just fucking simone drop her i just and it gets a laugh from everybody she's like you're a fucking idiot you're a complete fucking idiot wait wait where she was in the pool she's in the pool i just i was like hey come here a second i just like i put my arm over my, flip her over and just flip her in the water. I love it.

She's like, you asshole. That's what life's about. She was cracking up. Good. Yeah. That's great. But then headline, Sam Morrell abuses women. That's where we're at now.

That's what people do. But that's fun. Same day as they catch you peeing. It's in the paper in the same podcast as Rune's. I think I did a decent job with beer drink here you're hitting hard right

look at you Negronis are fucking I'm like I'm old school with cocktails what is Negroni it's sweet vermouth gin and Campari

so it's one part of each and it's the classic cocktails are the best I mean everyone's making these new cocktails

and look cool keep trying, whatever. But I always go back to like martini, Manhattan, Negroni. Old fashioned. Old fashioned. Yeah, like the classics. The classics are the best drinks. It's like genders.

The classics. Those are the best. Paper plane is a new one that I love. That is a solid one. I love paper plane. A little sweet, but good. A little too sweet for me. But it's a cool one to dazzle someone with.

Yes. A woman's like, I don't like whiskey. And you're like, check this shit out. Oh, the ladies love it. Did you get the Paper Plane guy? He's coming in, the inventor of the Paper Plane. No way. Yes.

No, that's not possible. It was invented in like 2007. Yeah. See? Oh, you're talking about. Not this. Not a drink. It's a cocktail.

I didn't even know there was a paper plane. It's whiskey, Amaro, Aperol, and lemon juice. Do you get money for that? Like, do you get credit somehow? We should get credit for the paper plane because we... We put it on the map. We put it on the fucking map. The way Don Draper brought back the old fashioned, Mark and I blew the fucking paper plane up.

Hell yeah. I don't mean to be talking out of school here, but all you motherfuckers know I'm right. Yeah, I get a million DMs. I added my first paper plane. I'm hooked, baby. And then they drive it off a cliff. We blew, yeah.

And then they die of alcohol poisoning. But for a moment, for a fleeting moment, we feel good about ourselves. And no one can take that away. I shared the story. Boy, you got to be jealous, huh? Look at you drinking that salsa water like a cuck. That's the worst.

Nick, so your special's on YouTube right now. It's on the 800-pound gorilla YouTube page. I wonder when it tells us coming out. I hope it's not the same. No, it doesn't come out in five years. So your special, what's the name of out in five years. So you're special. What's the name of it? Absolutely Wonderful.

Nice. Absolutely Wonderful. You are really, truly, I mean, one of the best comics working. One of the great, great writers. There's two Negronis to get to that. No, I think I opened with saying you're one of the best. No, I know. I love your comedy.

Oh, thanks. I've always loved your comedy, and I think I remember the first time I met you, actually, which is I was working the door downstairs at Broadway working the door at Broadway wow amazing that you remember and I remember

I was reading the book called A Fan's Notes and Nick said I've read that book many times and I was like that's a dark motherfucker

because this is a dark book yeah that's a dark that's a dark book it's a brilliant book yeah it's so good but the fact that Nick was like I've read this multiple times. No, but dude, I would work at the door at Broadway, and you were like one of the guys

that I would look forward to seeing, because a lot of comics sucked over there. And then I'd get like a refreshment of Nick Griffin, or someone like Al Lubell would go up and bomb. Who? Al Lubell. Too smart for the room. Oh, Al Lubell, yeah. But I fucking loved his jokes.

Loved Lubell. I thought he had killer jokes, but it was too smart for the room. It was too smart for the room but I fucking loved his jokes love Lubell I thought he had killer jokes but it was too smart for the room it was too quirky for the room yeah but I loved watching him but there would be a lot of hacks going up there

oh yeah but then I'd see Nick pop in on the lineup and I'd be like thank god yes yes you know

that was nice oh thanks you, Vecchione Vecchione was the king and he was so cool too but I mean yeah we love Mike, obviously. But you were another dude that I was like, and you were nice to me as a young comic,

which went such a long way. Yeah, that means a lot. Because we both, Mark and I would be like, man, Nick Griffin, like, that's a fucking, that's how you do a late night set. Yeah. We were all over you. I mean, I would watch you to go, oh, that's how you do it. If you haven't seen his google nick griffin letterman

there's 11 sets and i shit you not they're all killer they're like they're must watch sets i don't know it was 11 that's crazy that's so impressive and there's one do you remember where he fixed your tie yes your collar collar yeah i was hanging out yeah that was really because you know you know he doesn't give you a lot after the show. No, no. He shakes your hand and walks away. He's not warm. But he was real nice. You could tell he knew it was a big moment for you. Yes. So he was really present in that 15, 20 seconds that he was with you. But I know it seems weird, but he really was.

You could tell he was admired. But how meaningful was that for you to watch this guy and then be next to him on the Ed Sullivan stage? Crazy. I can't tell you how many times I came home half drunk and high, sitting in a chair, and everyone's upstairs asleep, and I'm watching Letterman just going, what is going on? This is insanity. The show was so different back then.

Oh, yeah. He's throwing stuff off the roof, fucking with the bodega guy. Yeah, all that stuff was so great. Do you think you were attracted to the depression side of Letteman? Well, I'm sure the sad part of him was good, too, but also just the quirky. His monologue jokes weren't like Leno. They were just kind of quirky and weird. Yeah, and some would bomb bomb and he would own it.

Oh, yeah. All that stuff was great. And Paul was great. He kind of got Letterman, so he would do the music with his bombing. It was so fun. Yeah, and a lot of the bands that he liked I thought were really cool, like Warren Zevon would come on. Yeah, Pearl Jam.

Steve Earle. You ever see Warren Zevon would come on pearl jam yeah you ever see warren zeevon on uh on larry sanders that great episode where he's like i'm not doing fucking werewolves of london i'm not doing it and and they're like of course not and then of course they go to the actual episode he does a song that's newer and then larry goes we got a little extra time would you do werewolves of london that's what it is. Larry Sanders is such a great show. Such a great show.

It just makes me so happy. So good. Everyone was so real. Man, that show just was awesome. That was definitely amazing. Amazing. They nailed showbiz. They really did.

The pettiness of it, the selfishness. And they got everyone to go in on it. All those people who just guest starred on it were so good, too. So good. And fucking Rip Torn. Sharon Stone was so good. Oh, fucking rip torn so good oh my god torn yeah another wreck we talk about wrecks from this pod from our fucking alice and brie app at norman and alice and brie wrecking defending your life got me to watch that another rip torn classic you never saw that i'd never seen it till you guys were like raving about it brilliant movie defending your life yeah oh my incredible so innovative so uh

outside the box brilliant i remember that when they go back to the past lives and that like kind of burly older man is watching one of his past lives and it's just a girl brushing this doll's yes yes so good so good albert brooks is a genius. Yeah, he's cool. But we'll get him on soon. I think if he was in New York, why not? I'm sure he would. Why can't we? I don't know. I mean, we make jokes about this, but we've been hit up by some fucking interesting people.

Why the hell? Why not? I would love to have. I would be starstruck. Has Dave been on? Attell came on Mark. We did a bachelor party episode for Mark, which I did as a surprise for Mark. He's a tough

guest. And it was literally dealing with Dave. So I got like eight guests that episode. We had like Shane Gillis, Joe DeRosa, Sean Patton, Godfrey, Attell. I got a ton of guests. Gary Veeder.

And Attell shows up. It was booking Dave, nailing Dave down is tough. I was like, Dave, please. It's like a surprise bachelor party for Norman. It's going to mean, like, I know the look on his face when you walk through the door. It's going to be just disbelief. Yeah. Because he won't believe that you actually showed up to this.

And he was like, I'll try. And it was like me nagging Dave, and he did show up. Yes, he did. And shit on all of us. Oh, well, we're all doing shots. And at one point he stood up and walked around. I go, what are you doing, Dave? He goes, I'm looking for punchlines.

He was so bored because we weren't zinging and zanging every two seconds. Yeah, he doesn't want to do it if it's not going to be jokes. Well, we try. And, I mean mean hopefully when his special comes out he'll come back on we we love dave so much and uh i mean he's uh he's huge influence on anyone in new york comedy he's been influenced by dave or colin quinn totally his jokes to me are like beatles songs where like everyone has their favorite and yeah i can't believe how good it is it's like plucked from the heavens

kind of sounds like it later like ah yes yes sounds like them the influence whether you know it or not yeah right you hear a weezer song and you're like beatles right yeah i did a thing last night and i go i'm i'm terrible at bed you remember to a lady you know it's just a fun goof and i'm like is that an Attell thing? It just feels so Attell that I'm like, I can't even tell if that's his or if it just sounds like him. Quick punchlines in a club sound like Dave. Yeah. He almost has copyrighted quick punchlines in a comedy club.

That's how good he is. And so innovative. He'll be like, what are you drinking? A guy goes, cider. He goes, mmm, cider, the gateway to pottery. I'm like, pottery how did you think of that that's the funniest thing i've ever heard yeah it's like he found the perfect word for every example pottery pottery is just so silly pottery come on who thinks of pot we love david tell what about uh what about uh Hit me baby This is a tell joke about I like porn

You ever have your dad walk in on you when you're watching porn You know what you don't want your dad to say When you're watching porn Move over My favorite tell joke ever is I think this is one of the greatest jokes of all time, where he goes, you remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman, and then you grow up and you realize he's just a drunk who wears a cape?

Yeah, that's a classic. That is like a layered philosophical brilliant joke in the form of a one-liner. It's like a Hemingway line or something. It's unbelievable. It's so crazy. I saw a great one the other night. He goes, you know, ladies, I think you like a vibrator because it sounds like it's listening. I love him.

Genius. Yeah. Genius. Savant level. But you saw him. Did you see him in the beginning when he sucked or did he never suck? No, I never saw him suck. I can't imagine.

I don't think he ever did suck. I mean, he had some jokes he's probably not proud of like we all do, but I remember early on in maybe 91 he had a joke about being a waiter in a mental institution. Huh. Is that real? No. Oh, okay.

I didn't think so. You never know. And what was the joke? It was something like you'd go to the table, the guy would be like, cheese sandwich? And he goes, you want a cheese sandwich? I am a cheese sandwich. Even his clean stuff was good.

The mafia weather. That was a great joke. Oh, my God. Jihad? Yes. Oh, man. I still think of that joke. In the Middle East, it's a very sacred place.

No one has sex, but they all smell like they just did. Jesus Christ. He's going to hate this. Oh, he won't. He'll hate it. We literally just, we love it to hell, so what are you going to do? The king. The king.

I mean, I've told the joke before, and it's the last time I'll say it. I swear to God, internet. He's on stage. All the comics ate shit. He goes up. There's these two Hispanic women in the front row, and they won't laugh at anything. Their arms are crossed. They're chewing gum.

And he goes, oh, what happened, ladies? Did Selena die again? I mean, that's amazing. Dude, another great hotel riff. I remember watching three people in glasses. Because in the cellar, the bathroom is in the corner. So people all just walk out. You see it from the stage. Three dudes in glasses all in the cellar, you know, the bathroom is in the corner so people all just walk out. You see it from the stage. Three dudes

in glasses all come out at the same time and he goes, what is that, a nerd portal? Killed. Wow. The quickness. The guy. He's the guy. He's Highlander. Oh my god. The legend. Who are other guys

that when you were coming up you were like I fucking love this guy I don't know if you know it but like Ray Romano

was an amazing joke and he was it was married jokes but it had edge and really cool stuff Colin Quinn yeah

Romano's such a cool I mean I love sweet guy we know CQ well and we love Colin but like I don't know Ray Romano as well but he's so I love CQ sweet guy we know CQ well and we love Colin but like I don't know Ray Romano as well

but he's so freaking nice he was so nice to me he was another guy who was super nice to me I would do these late night sets at the cellar and he would drive me home

to the East Village and just give me a ride home as he was heading to Queens and just you kind of knew he was going to be a big deal oh really I can't think of anything I can't think of anyone else that I and just kind of knew he was going to be a big deal.

Oh, really? I can't think of anything. I can't think of anyone else that I... I mean, Attell was gigantic. You ever hear of Ronnie Shakes? No. Oh, he was a beast. But I know the name. Oh.

Greg Carson says. Yeah, he did a couple of... Really? I thought you would love him. Mark, I love that you're fucking... Mark is such a comedy nerd. I'll look that up. And I love that you...

Because I remember watching Ronnie Shakespeare. Really? This dude's got, he's got the goods. Pull this up. We experience life a little differently. Give you an example. Last February, I had occasion to fall eight stories down an elevator shaft. I was happy to be alive, but I was ticked off.

I missed my floor. Hold on. hold on. That's a good joke. That's a good joke. My big problem is I spend money with reckless events. Last month I put $5,000 at a reincarnation seminar. The very Stephen Wright. You've got to think of what to help.

You all live once. That's smart. we all live once that's smart my favorite joke of his is I figured I'm going to kill myself I'm going to commit suicide and I thought I'm going to walk out to the ocean and just end it

and I realized I wasn't 100% serious when I brought a towel I love his joke about how he goes how do you know of Ronnie Shakes? we watch old YouTube sets I love his joke about how he goes after 5 years you know of Ronnie Shanks? Well, we watch old YouTube sets, but I love his joke about how he goes, after five years, my therapist said something that brought a tear to my eye. He said, no hablo ingles.

After five years. That's great. I mean, he had great shit. I think Mark and I were just, like, we bonded over what nerds we were when we were open micers. And, like, you know. Died jogging, you know. In Cleveland. Even worse, you know. Died jogging, you know. In Cleveland.

Ah. Even worse than your story. Yeah. Full circle. But yeah, no, he was a great joke writer. Jeff Stilson was a great joke writer. I don't know his stuff as well. You don't know his stuff?

Pull him up. Pull him up, Stilson. He's got maybe the best Jeffrey Dahmer joke I ever heard. Oh. What is it? I can't remember it exactly, but it was something about... I've heard the name, but I don't know his stuff. Evening at the Improv.

Wow. We're getting... Oh, my God. Evening at the Improv. ...up to whom I gave birth. Sorry. I have great respect for women. I really do, especially mothers.

You know, I could never raise a child to whom I gave birth. You know, because a newborn is about the size of a basketball and if I had to expel a basketball from my body via a very restricted passageway, I would never want to see that basketball again.

Yeah, this is early, but he had a Dahmer joke about Jeffrey Dahmer drugged, ate, killed people, and then had sex with their dead bodies. And he always wore a condom. He goes, isn't that unusual that the only message that got through to Jeffrey Dahmer was wear a condom? That's a funny angle. Wow. Gives you hope, though.

You see that last joke, the basketball joke, and you're like, all right, all right. Well, it's like a setup. It's also. But I get it. I got a million horrible jokes from my early days. It is kind of like inspiring in the sense that it's not that great and you go, I could probably come up with something. Yeah, yeah.

But that's not the message you want to send with your comedy. No, no. I want 14-year-olds being like, I could do that. He was a Letterman writer. He created the Osbournes. Oh, I didn't know that. That's a big paycheck right there. Yeah. Wow, Stills a big paycheck right there. Yeah.

Wow, Stillson. There you go. I love that your backdrop is Tom Waits. He used to write all these cynical jokes about not wanting to get married, and he has like four kids now, and he's married. And I remember going up to him at the Comedy and Magic Club, and I said, how'd you get married? I can't believe you got married.

I go, I grew up getting information about how bad marriage was for me and he's like i found the right girl i just and i hated doing stand-up at the late show on friday night i just got it couldn't wow anymore yeah he went into writing bill burr at like that's a very romantic way to propose to someone i hate doing comedy on fridays what do you say i'm done with late night. Let's get hitched. Yeah, yeah, Bill Burr had all these jokes about not getting married. Marriage is stupid.

Is this the line to lose all my shit? That was his big joke. But he got married, you know, it happens. I didn't get married. I still don't. I had fun at your wedding, though.

Nah, it was a good wedding. It's funny you have the Tom Waits thing there because I just saw a Tom Waits thing. It was like, man, he's got some words of wisdom. I mean, I love Tom Waits' music, but you know what the crazy thing about Tom Waits is? His first album, he's like 24, and it's some of the most insane shit you've ever heard. I mean, he's really brilliant, I think. I mean, you're clearly a fan if you have his badge up there.

Yeah, no, he's got some great quips on Letterman, by the way. Very funny. Some great stuff. Oh, my God, he has a couple great appearances on Letterman. He's got some great quips on Letterman, by the way. Very funny. Oh my god, he has a couple great appearances on Letterman. He's killer on Letterman. So cool. Cool and got wisdom. Can we get Tom Waits on here? We wouldn't be able to interview him. Does he live in New York? He wouldn't be able to...

No, he lives in Northern California. He'd be a killer guest. Tom Waits for no man. We also lost a legend here. Oh, wow. Yeah, Tony Bennett. Oh, we did? Yeah, he died yesterday. What?

And I was reading his old... Oops, sorry. I love Tony Bennett. Okay, sorry. Come save. He liberated Dachau. What do you mean? Yeah, I saw that.

He was in the army, and he was one of the first people in to be like... Get the fuck out of here. I know, I saw that. It's insane i didn't know that till he died honestly wow i'd have that on my t-shirt that'd be my merch liberated daca over here and sang with lady gaga i mean two two big things wow wait what were just oh yeah i love tony bennett man he was he was a fucking he was a gangster and he you know what's cool about Tony Bennett?

He did it till 95, dude. We talk about Rickles, Joan Rivers, Tony Bennett. They all did it till the end. Exactly. Not just did it till the end, but they did it well till the end. So a toast to the great Tony Bennett. TB. Every time I go to SF, I can't not think of I Left My Heart in San Francisco.

Oh, yeah. Where's he from? I think he's from Brooklyn. He's got to be. I'll look it up. Every time I go to SF I can't not think of I left my heart in San Francisco Oh yeah Where's he from? He's gotta be Is he Italian or is he Jewish? I think it's Benedetto I'll let you know in one second He's amazing He's the crooner of all crooners

I love Tony Bennett Nothing wrong with a good crooner He's the last of the crooners It's the end of an era, man. It is. Anthony Benedetto. There you go. Don't think that's a Jew.

No. But it's funny how everybody back then would change their name to sound whiter, and I think now people are changing their name to sound less white, like a Tom Takar, who used to be Tom Brady. Well, there was other issues with that. That's true, but he's from Long Island City. You know what his used to be Tom Brady. Well, there was other issues with that. That's true, but he's from Long Island City. You know what his name

was before Tom Brady? I didn't even know that was a city back then. Oh, shit. All right. You got spots tonight? Yeah,

I have one until 1130. Hey! Well, Nick, the name is, it's absolutely wonderful. It's Nick Griffin.

It's on YouTube. I mean, truly, Mark and I absolutely wonderful. It's Nick Griffin. It's on YouTube. I mean, truly, Mark and I talk about this guy. It's hard to do it in front of him, but he really is one of the best comics. Oh, thanks. And we love him. Old and new stuff. All great. He's prolific.

He has incredible word economy. Yes. The writing is so good. I remember watching, this is so fucking weird to say, but I remember watching your set with my grandpa before he died.

Wow. He was dying of esophageal cancer. That's my audience. It killed him. No, but I'm watching with, it's me,

my mom, and my grandpa. There's three generations and we're all laughing. And that's what I think is beautiful about Nick's comedy. And I get that

with Matt Rife. Matt Rife's a good guy. We like like matt i'm good we're rooting for him he's struggling he's having a really hard time i'll open for you but nick you know your shit is so good thanks buddy and if you're not watching watch the letterman sets yeah new special absolutely wonderful it's just like They're just It's great for literally Every generation Because it's like Relatable

It's Yeah it's relatable And it's just Such concise Smart writing And it's got emotion in it You somehow pack A lot of emotion

In these quick Punchy jokes Which is hard to do I really love his comedy I know everyone watching Is going to love his comedy So I really hope you watch His new special

and see him at Sidesplitters July 27th through 29th at The Grove and St. Louis, Missouri, The Funny Bone August 24th through 27th. Great. I love that club. Love it. And, you know, you can see him weekly at the Comedy Cellar. He's always around. And he's got other albums on, you know, Amazon, on Spotify, wherever you get your stuff. It's all killer.

And you were sad before it was cool. Everybody's sad now. Everybody's depressed and on Prozac. But you were doing it early. I was. I started that whole thing. Hell yeah. Me and Tom Waits.

I got a special out now on the Big N streaming service. Soup to Nuts, check it out. And then I'm all over the road. Milwaukee, Des Moines, Los Angeles, San Diego. Are these all theaters you're playing? Now it is, yeah. Cincinnati, Springfield. You want to open?

Yes. No, we couldn't follow you. Then we're going to Europe. We're going to Lisbon and Norway and Denmark and Netherlands and Germany and all that London, whatever. Dublin, Scotland, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Portland, Providence, Cleveland. Going to get sober in Cleveland. Wow, Glasgow and then Hershey, PA follows the next week. That's comedy, baby.

Holy shit. That's comedy. I went from fucking Greece to Edmonton. There you go. You go Emily Ratajkowski to Kathy Bates. You know, you got to mix it up. You know what? Kathy was great in Misery.

And that's the state I'm in in some of these places. So we got, what do I have coming up? We got, oh my God. So Providence, Northampton, Burlington, Albany, Calgary. What does that mean? Bethlehem, PA. Bethlehem, York, Toronto. That's a fucking big theater.

So please come out. The Chicago Theater is huge. Please come out to that. That's in September. We got Phoenix. Stand Up Live. I love that place. And we got...

Moon Hall, PA? That's Pittsburgh. Don't be Munn Hall. Why the fuck did they write Munn Hall? It's Pittsburgh. It's five minutes outside of Pittsburgh. Don't be Munn Hall. Why the fuck did they write Munn Hall? It's Pittsburgh. It's five minutes outside of Pittsburgh. Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, and the big one, MSG Theater, New York City. You better come out.

And we just added fucking Australia. What? Because of you, motherfucker. Oh, God. I hope it works out. So Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Adelaide. Go see this juke, please. All these motherfuckers.

You better come out. That's a pricey fucking round trip ticket. Big ticket. And I'm losing two days of my life for this shit each way. Yeah, yeah. I love you guys. I hope you come out. We love you.

Drink Bodega Cat Whiskey. Bodegacatwhiskey.com. You can order it. That's me and Mark's shit. Yes. We're so close to New York. I can feel it. That's me and Mark's shit. Yes. We're going to be so close to New York. I can feel it. Yeah.

I want it. We're getting in there, baby. And watch Nick Griffin's special. Absolutely wonderful on YouTube. Truly, I say this again. Yes. Please watch it. I mean, he is-

You won't be disappointed. A true comics comic. This is a dude that is deeply respected in the industry. And the specials, I haven't seen yet but everything i've seen from his killer i love following him at the cellar because it's he's he's putting good shit into the air yes it's great comedy it's great writing please watch you won't be disappointed if you like stand-up comedy it's good comedy and uh and we love you guys and thank you for listening and uh salamanca you got anything no he was a good comedian where'd you get that shirt uh someone sold it to me on

instagram they're like they targeted ad like you must like norm mcdonald i do damn damn do they do they also do a targeted ad you must like cock that's a norm joke. He loves cock. All right, we love you guys. Thank you for listening. Take care. Yeah. All right, Nick. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking pump And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans

This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true