We Might Be Drunk - Ep 140: Just For Laughs in Montreal (On Location)

Episode Date: August 14, 2023

We come to you recorded live at the Just For Laughs Comedy Festival in Montreal. Not offically affiliated with the festival, we just setup in a conference room at the hotel across the street! Lots of great guests on this one. We start out with Geoffrey Asmus and add in Brian Simpson, Daniel Sloss, and Ali Macofsky. So many good moments on this episode, lots of laughs and a lot of comedy. I suggest you watch this episode on YouTube. Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Geoffrey Asmus: https://www.whitecomedian.com/ Brian Simpson: https://www.briansimpsoncomedy.com/ Daniel Sloss: https://danielsloss.com/ Ali Macofsky: https://alimacofsky.com/shows Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/  

yo yo we're live from montreal bonjour queefs here we are in the w hotel all this is kind of i feel like we're in like a madman episode here but with burnouts we're in a boardroom here this is fucking great yes all white men drinking here we are we need a secretary to come in here and say, that'll be all, Peggy. Yeah, and wear the shorter skirt next time. I got to tell you, this is the first time I've booked a conference room in my entire life. Yeah, I'm sure we're going to be saying shit in here that's not normally said. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

We're talking about how many drink tickets we earn this quarter or whatever. We're joined by the hilarious Jeffrey Ausmus who has a new special, The Only Funny White Man on YouTube now. Yes. One of the funniest comics we've ever seen.

Watch it. Yeah, watch it right now. Mark Norman has a hot new Netflix special, Soup to Nuts. Check it out. Killing it. It's number two.

It's only downhill from here. Yeah, baby. But while we're on the top, let's ride the wave. Number one is The Sound of Freedom, though. Is there really? I don't baby. But while we're on the top, let's ride the wave. Number one is the sound of freedom, though. Is it really? I don't know. I think that's on like 4chan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's huge on 4chan. I don't know what channel that is. And hey, Madison Square Garden Theater, November 4th. Get the fuck on it. I'll see you there. Hello. Is that still the WAMU?

The WAMU? It used to be called the WAMU? The WAMU? It used to be called the WAMU. Oh, shit. No, never mind. Washington Mutual? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's even better. Fuck the WAMU.

Sounds better. It was the Hulu. There you go. The WAMU. Fucking Jessica Kirsten. The Wawa? Finally, the Wawa. Are you doing tomorrow too, honey?

No, we're out of here. You're done, bitch. Your whole career's over. He's out of this town. We may or may not have a rotating group of surprise guests coming this episode. I'm excited for it. I hope you guys enjoy this. Who knows what will pop in?

It's going to be like a variety show in the 50s. It's going to be with booze and less cigarettes. And all white. Yeah. Well. We mix it up. Yes. No, we're progressive one we'll see what happens but yeah here we are in a conference room it's montreal's right outside

we're doing the fest we did a weird show last night that was crazy that was terrifying sorry you guys had to see that set that was we did a show from meta which uh was only crowd work the money was bad but he did beat the for Meta, which was only crowd work. Meta world peace. Meta world peace. The money was bad, but he did beat the shit out of us, which was cool. And no, we got, we're doing it for Meta. So they're like, no Zuckerberg jokes. Fine, whatever.

I'm sure Musk would do the same shit to us if it was a Twitter show. They'll do an X show soon. They'll do an X show, right. It's not even, yeah. Oh, yeah. It changed. It's all over the place. But, you know, they're saying like you can't, they literally, as we get there right it's not even oh yeah they changed it it's all over the place but you know

they're saying like you can't they literally as we get there it's PG-13 and Mark and I just look at each other like we are trained

in pedo abortion and mass shooting jokes right that's all we got what does PG-13 even mean it means like it's so like it's vague

opaque it means nothing yeah PG-13 that's great she's all that that was a funny movie yeah yeah all those great PG-13 comedies.

Yeah, exactly. And they tell you right before you go on, PG-13. No bullying, too, didn't they tell you that? No bullying. That's the whole point of crowd work. I know. That's the only fun part of interacting with people. Does anyone go to a live comedy show and go, I was bullied?

I think that's probably happened. I liked when he complimented my hair. That was really funny. When he asked me what I did. Yeah, you have a great job. Hey, have you lost weight? Yeah. Whatever you're doing is working.

I don't understand that. I know. All these rules. They always try to put comedy in this weird box. It's like when they give you a corporate gig. Like, just go up and do four hours, clean, no cursing, and don't talk about the company or money or women. You're like, what the fuck?

clean no cursing and don't talk about the company or money or women you're like what the fuck oh but the best every once in a blue moon you get a corporate where they just know who you are and they're like they let you rock and yeah really i remember i did one for lawyers and it was literally the comic before me told like eight minutes eight minutes of abortion jokes and i was like well i guess we can just do they didn't give a shit yeah lawyers they've dealt with shit they can't act like high and mighty that makes sense yeah that's true but man i don't think i've done well on one corporate yeah i love you guys do a lot i feel like you're not money to hire us they're bad lawyers right they're evil they got fucking they're like we got epstein protected for 10 years but do not make no cursing. Don't do any. We defend pedophiles,

but you can't talk about pedophiles. Sure, sure. And the worse the company, the more rules they have. Like I did one for their big pharma, and they kicked me out. I got fired. I got yelled at. It was ugly. They kicked you out of the show? I offended the guy's wife in the first eight minutes.

Oh, God. I mean, I called her fat. No, no. But they gave her a Zephyr because she no but they gave her their pills weren't working exactly their diet pills get the ozempic that's why they got ozempic was you made fun of his wife he's like we need to get you on a pill honey we need to get a better diet pill but yeah i did a vibrator joke and she was like oh how dare you and she walked out and i was like oh look at this dumb idiot. And it was the wife of the CEO. Oh, my God. That's what it always is.

Someone who doesn't even work there. It happened to me. I did a thing once for Delta Dental or something. You know, it's like an insurance thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. And, oh, my God. They were like, we were furious. And I was like, who's we?

It was the wife. There you go. About just your act in general. It's always a wife. I'm like, you're not even supposed to be here. Why are you at this? It's a company. Don't you have your own life?

Why don't you go home and cook them a fucking hot meal? I think there's a subconscious thing where they're like, I want to kind of make this about me. Because it's not my company. It's not my hire. My husband's very successful. I feel kind of bad maybe. Your husband works too much. You don't feel like you get attention.

You found a way to get attention. Exactly. Or she's mad she doesn't have a vibrator and her husband hasn't made her come in decades and she's realizing she's unfulfilled well they did make blue chew so they're doing something really oh yeah they did all it was the big drug thing and i went down swinging i was like you guys are all fucking drug dealers you're killing the country opioid addiction you get taken out in a headlock yeah you were just screaming look what you did to Appalachia as you get dragged off the stage. Yeah, I just yelled fentanyl to the floor for me.

Oh, my God. Don't tase me, bro. Jeff, what are you doing while you're here? What shows? I've been on the nasty. I've been here for a week. What? I've been here for eight days, actually.

Yeah, I've been here since last Tuesday. Oh, are you climbing the walls? This town is beautiful. The people suck. These French Canadians are the biggest. I hate to be racist, but I kind of hate them. I really dislike them. Snooty.

They're all snooty about speaking French. Cut the French. I'll be on the counter like, bonjour. I'm like, hi. They're like, bonjour, as if I'm going to suddenly know how to speak French. You're a mile from Vermont. Drop the charade. It's like they're clinging to this culture.

Not a mile, an hour. Sorry. It's not far. Yeah. But they're like, I guess they passed a law like a year ago that everything has to be in French. Right. It's like a French dictatorship.

Oh, I had to buy a shirt and I'm checking out and I'm like, I guess I can do this. I'm doing self-checkout in French. Yeah. Right. Yeah. They don't have english options any it's like a law the english people here are like second-class citizens yeah they're like really clinging to this loser heritage they're like really proud to be french yeah right italian's cool but french i know what are you it's lame i don't get it but yeah yeah, wow, that is tough. Good food, though. Good food here. Great food.

I've had poutine like seven times. It's great. Oh, I can't eat this. But they're not fat. I don't get it. They're not fat. No one's fat here. They smoke.

It might be the cigarette. There is no like tubs walking around here. No, it's weird. Well, that's the women in France. The women are beautiful. Yeah, the women here are beautiful. It's insane. The thing with the women in France, all they do is eat cheese and drink wine, and they're,

what, 90 pounds so full? Yeah, it's insane. It's incredible. No cigarettes. Processed. Yeah, all the food's really natural. It's incredible. It's kind of a great place. It's kind of good.

The audiences are stupid as hell. I agree. Audiences are tough. When we were here, it was the French version of the festival. We were the only English show. Oh, why would they put it in there? So the audiences is like half of them don't really speak english so every time i do like a joke that was a little smarter they'd

be like what yeah we we no no you just had to say pussy and then they'd be like oh okay okay we like that that's funny yeah yeah yeah right right it's. It's like, where's Gad? Where's Gad? Oh, yeah, that's their guy. Where's Gad Amelie so bad? There's like a whole scene here of French comics, I guess, who are like superstars here. Really? And they'll do like 20,000 person shows, but just in Quebec. I know.

Isn't that weird, though? But then they're like, you're right next to America and you can't do shit. Yeah, they don't do English comedy. It's crazy. They go to Paris or something. Except for the host of the nasty show this guy mike ward he does in english he's like he's really funny he's really funny and he got he's the guy who went to the supreme court here for a joke he got him yeah

and he talks about it he like made fun of this like i don't know maybe retarded i don't know if that's the word but yeah kid who was kept saying he was gonna die But didn't die and everyone kept giving him money and he made a joke like just die already And they like sued him and he won though It took his time it took like year it went to three levels of court cases or something funny though if they made if they Made like a movie about this. He would be the good guy. Yeah. Yeah Just fucking die ready and like he's our hero yeah he hated on the retard yeah damn what a credit though yeah this next guy at the supreme court yeah canada's like they're like uh passive-aggressive fascists remember there was

that comedian who got an hbo special yeah and he just won his whole thing was like i'm done oh i i know who you're talking about yeah and like ellen was like he's dying and i'm producing named after a famous music producer yes yes and he just and he just he's alive to this day it was it was like it seemed like it was uh you know six months to live he said he had terminal cancer yeah that was eight years ago i bet it's a shitty move because now people are mad you're alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a weird way to live. You're still around? Fuck you.

You can't do another special. No. What do you do after the I'm about to die special? You're like, dating's weird. Well, he's like the Sandler and funny people guy. Oh, right. Well, now he's like, although, you know. Wait, what was that premise again?

Well, he was about to die in funny people, wasn't he? just, although, you know. Wait, what was that premise again? Well, he was, you know. He was about to die in Funny People, wasn't he? Yeah, and then he survived. Oh, yeah. There's some differences with that story. Sure, sure. But you know what I mean. People like Sandler. Yeah, he was funny, yeah.

But that's crazy. I mean, is he still working, do you know? I don't think so. I don't think he does, no. I think he kind of got got i think he realized that he used his shot that was his check he cashed it and he's out yeah that's smart smart smart i respect that and he got a special i mean if i had terminal cancer i'd do a special about it i'm not i don't get a lot of plastic surgery and he's now gerard carmichael still associated with hbo coming out as gay i'm actually wasn't dying i just didn't realize i was

gay it was churning inside me and caused cancer yeah my next trick i will be a trans comedian hbo special that's coming uh have they had one a trans comic with an hbo well jay mcbride had like a netflix 20 minute oh yeah yeah okay yeah i know she's funny yeah yeah yeah good egg from buffalo which is right around the corner albany oh albany you know she opened for me years ago and i didn't i kept doing i was doing trans jokes on station i didn't know she was trans oh i would have done them anyway but yeah yeah why aren't these hitting and then afterwards she was like like, oh, I'm trans. And I was like, well, I guess that's a compliment. Yeah, you didn't know. Oh, yeah, they did a good job.

Yeah, you got a good guy. You got a good doctor. Oh, my God. Hold on. Oh, wee, wee. Damn, there we go. I had to get us out of that trans stuff. Sorry about that.

That's how you stay not trans. You got to fart fart let it out it's the end of that chapter right there i wouldn't mind being trans i wish you could switch back quickly if you could like go for a year being a woman and then switch back i'd like to be a woman for a year that'd be fun the woman who did an experiment it was like a man for a couple weeks, and she killed herself. What? Yeah, true story.

What did she do to be a man? She just cut her hair, changed her outfit, got some facial makeup, a little beard action. Women can't take it. They can't live the life we live, gals. They couldn't do it. I guess being a man's harder, clearly. It's hard. We get paid more because it's harder.

We die younger. You're like, well, why are we killing ourselves? I do realize how easy it is to be a guy. You ever just date someone and it takes them like an hour and a half to get ready? And you're like, you're just like, oh, two minutes. I'm like, I'm good. Even at this festival, all the women are like really working on their outfits. And I just throw on the same sweater every single day. I've showered three

times in a week no one gives a shit the best smelling person here yeah yeah exactly yeah yeah it's gonna be tough the getting ready is a real i always say biology is the biggest misogynist the menstruation the pregnancy yeah it's like god's the misogynist we didn't do that i didn't know if i had designed you i wanted to given you menstruation yeah we can i want to put that in there you can make a girl pregnant like mick jagger is like 7 000 years old he got a girl pregnant who's the al pacino is the real he's the ninth oldest man ever i read that in recorded history to make a woman pregnant yeah he's 83 or 84 crazy Hoo-ah! Crazy. Can you imagine?

She's 27. Whoa! You know how weird, it'd be so cool to have Al Pacino be your father, but then you don't get him to be your father. He's like for six years,

you're like, do you remember Al Pacino as your father? The kid's like, what the fuck? I didn't know he was my dad. And he's got to go back to the old movies.

He's like, this guy in Godfather? Right. Yeah, this guy was great. Then you're like, well well here's jack and jill and you're like damn uh jack and jill this guy you got some fun moments oh wow he's pretty fun in that holy yeah simone he's in a couple of rough ones that one had kind of an interesting premise so it just didn't work it was kind of ai yeah before ai it was like one like it's not ex machina was like that was a good one that was a great movie no i don't know that one mark and i watched too many movies yeah you

guys are movie guys i'm not a movie guy you haven't seen oppenheimer i haven't i want to see that but i don't watch movies at all but the way oppenheimer and barbie are it's like very big in the news everybody's talking about that's how all movies used to be yeah there was always like a week like who are you seeing this was always a week like, who are you seeing this weekend? Always a battle. They planned to put those. I'm sure the studios collabed like,

let's do a little meme thing together. Let's collab on this. Release them the same weekend. Well, they couldn't promote because of the strike. Oh, so we've been promoting for them. Yes. We should get paid for posting these memes. And it also shows how these companies should spend millions on millions on advertising and look you don't have to it's all yeah the viral

thing is what matters yeah exactly yeah but it probably wouldn't have hurt if they had you know killing murphy on hot ones yeah i just want to see what it looks like that guy eating jesus christ you see he ate an almond every day for oppenheimer that was his diet one almond one almond a day why did he have was he fat and he had to lose weight? Oppenheimer was super, you know, he's emaciated. So he wanted to look like that. So he was chain-smoking and eating one I don't know why one almond was the number, you know, care boss is like welcome to my world I do I do half an almond method acting is so creepy. They never do it. No one's ever like i method actor for dommer yeah just locked a couple gay kids in my house so they saw what the screams sounded like

well it's only dramatic actors you're never like you know rob schneider's never like i actually was a european gigolo for a while i really did it yeah adam sandler was a wedding singer he would be a fucking awesome wedding singer for three years. He would be a fucking awesome wedding singer. He would be good. He would be good. No, but the cast is insane. That's the cool thing about Christopher Nolan. He could just get anyone. Some fucking A-lister just pops on for four lines.

Oh, really? That's kind of cool. Damn, really? Do you see Barbie or no? I haven't. James was just saying how good it was. I haven't seen it. But people are loving it.

Ben Shapiro hated it, I read. Which is weird to go to a thing you know you're going to hate and then be like, I fucking hate it. And then just get like 45 minutes out of it. What is he mad about? Is there like man hate? Oh, is it man hating? Really? Yeah, there was like zero man hate.

Really? The scene where they kind of described it was like, to be a woman. That's like it. But the way we're like, we've got to get a Barbie joke out there. That's his Barbie joke. He's got to take that angle. He has to be mad. He can't be like, I kind of like Barbie.

No one's going to click on that thumbnail. Ben Shapiro loves Barbie for 45 minutes straight. No one wants that thumbnail. That would be more interesting to me, though. Yeah, that would be more interesting to me though yeah that would be great jordan jordan peterson's like here's what i loved about margot robbie's performance jordan peter comes around on women for three hours straight no one's clicking on that i i hear it's great i haven't seen i kind of want to see now that i'm back in the movie theater like i saw oppenheimer in imax and and it it's one of those experiences where you feel the chair vibrating and the bass and the noise.

That's great. It makes it fucking incredible. You're like, oh, this is what I love about going to the movies. I miss this. It's just some non-Marvel shit. We can't have no more superhero movies or sequels. By the way, can we get those seats in a porno theater? Wouldn't that make more sense?

You're like, whoa, someone's poking my ass. These seats are really good. CP, we're herming in line in front of you. You're like, you're back, baby. No, it's, you know, it made me, and also like it's not just, as you said, a Marvel movie. It's like a historical movie. It has artistic value in it. It isn't just this like lame billion dollar franchise.

Exactly. They're just like creating these cookie cutter stories over and over and it's silly it's like people we've heard of it's it's art it's also amazing you think of war you think of like badass dudes in the trenches or something but these are just nerds who are good at math who right bomb yeah like and they ended the war as heroic as the soldiers were these guys kind of want it yeah it's also kind of fun because you're like everyone's kind of bad if you think if's also kind of funny because you're like, everyone's kind of bad. If you try to distance yourself, you're like, I'm rooting for Cillian Murphy because he's

the star. But you're like, Oppenheimer's kind of a piece of shit, too. Sure, sure. Yeah. I mean, you saw it, right? He's fucked up after. Yeah. You should be.

Well, that's kind of- If you're doing the math in your head and you're like, 220,000 Japanese people, think about how much we talk about 9-11 which is that was 3 000 yeah it's a lot of 9-11 there were people louie would say what is this joke how many 9-11s 70 of them holy shit there's people who were at like i can't remember which say was first nagasaki and then they fled to hiroshima no there were people who were at both. Yeah, because they were close together.

So they're like, oh, go to Hiroshima. It'll be safe. That is some bad luck. Can you get hit again? You're like, God does not want me to live. You're at the U-Haul like, moving sucks. Jesus. Don't you hate moving?

Well, a lot of the people that got hit by it, they were okay. But then they died from the- Oh, yeah, yeah. But you're thinking about one of the great- I don't want to do a spoiler but just one funny thing about the movie is there is a scene where they're deciding what and i don't know how accurate this is i don't know what i looked up a lot of stuff but from this uh there's one part where they're deciding where to nuke in japan they have like

12 cities and the guy one of the guys in charge is like i love kyoto my wife and i uh honeymoon there so that's how they get rid of kyoto and i'm like i don't like i don't know if that's real but it's also a weird thing to make up yeah this guy's just lying like oh don't get kyoto i had sex there once yeah you know the japan won't play the movie yeah i'm oh really yeah they won't play it that that makes sense i don't know i feel like we would play it if they made a movie about us yeah if they made a pearl harbor or whatever yeah i'd love to see we like a little way more people died and well we won that's why we like it it's we in the end we still win we kind of get it i did a joke about it on stage about like how uh i posted something about like how uh everyone's like you know in

you know barbie robinheimer like they're not saying that in japan they're like barbie oh yeah that was a great one but then someone commented like actually the soviets uh lost way more people in world war ii and i'm like who who suffered from the nuke what's the movie about i'm not denying the soviets you know that's such what about is um it's like well actually during the black plague in the middle ages more people died so it's actually really not a tragedy at all. Under that, it's like, why does it have to be a Black Plague? We can do this all day! The real tragedy is opioids, which Mark Norman performed for.

Exactly, exactly. You can't win. I did a joke about arthritis on Twitter, and I got shit for that. How? What happened? It's the dumbest joke on the planet. I just said I did an arthritis convention, and the guy after me killed, and i'm not sure if the mic drop was intentional and i got like a guy like really man this is kind of ableist oh my god i'm like oh geez did an arthritis convention audience was pretty stiff yeah get a grip yeah it's also one of the

things that like almost all of us have or will have yeah it's it's not ableist you're just i'm gonna have arthritis probably my mom has it but yeah exactly you have levels of it too there's like levels of arthritis is that right i have arthritis what yeah there's levels of it it's like an autism spectrum yeah it's a spectrum it's so arrogant to think that you're the only person affected by arthritis too like the guy commenting is like we all know someone who has debilitating arthritis exactly there's no that's also like there's more offensive shit that we're making jokes about that you have laughed at it's like it's true right mike di stefano rest in peace used to always say you know i threw up the ball it landed on you for once and you got fucking upset shut up i got made fun of everybody they

laugh at a child porn joke because none of their uncles like child porn but one of them has arthritis so that's bad yeah but guess what you got a cute nephew so look out i could be coming you could do it all day like hey you shouldn't make fun of this like you know they always say like hey it's father's day but some people didn't have fathers so maybe don't do a post about it you're like but some people don't have legs, so maybe don't do a post about it. You're like, but some people don't have legs. I'm still walking. Yeah. You know, like we got to live our lives here.

That's annoying. Also, I think those people, like, I think tiptoeing around people can also be offensive. I think they can. Oh, sure. When you. True. When you're trying too hard not to offend, maybe that's reminding them of that even more. Sure, sure.

Are people who don't have dads mad that I have a dad? I don't think that. Yeah, well, they're mad that you're flaunting your dad. Are they really? I saw some of that even more sure sure are people who don't have dads mad that i have a dad i don't think that you're flaunting your dad are they really i saw some of that yes i don't do i don't do a fucking father's day instagram post because my dad ain't on instagram like it's not for him i call him and i go to dinner with him that's what you should be doing yeah i'm not bragging like thank god my dad has good genes and he works out every day and my dad's still around just like i like my dad oh man my dad's so healthy yeah thank god he kept it tight you know thank god he didn't get into drugs yeah i know people find anyway i had my famous story i did a retard joke and a lady came up to me in the merch line she waited and she was like hey look

you got to drop the uh the. And I was like, why? She goes, I have a niece with Down syndrome. And I go, how'd you like the Holocaust stuff? She goes, that was great. Yeah, yeah. I was like, all right. So what are we doing here? My mom was a special ed nurse.

She says the word. No one cares. Oh, really? It does nothing to, it's not mean at all. Yeah. If you actually care about them, like, vote for mental health funding or stuff like that. We're not politicians. I know. We're not politicians either. Hitler wasn't very nice to people with down syndrome either that's true you want to read a fucking history book i know yeah it's uh no people

whatever triggers them in that moment and it's fine like you we all feel that everyone feels that but it's just weird to fucking wait around i know being offended is fine we all get offended by things just don't like just like walk home no i didn't like that joke whatever it's not a big deal i used to watch bt comic view as a kid they'd be like the white man man i was like that stings a little but you know i didn't write in right you know that black half impression sounds just like me yeah you've been doing a little too much white devil material on BET recently. Can we switch it around? Yeah, exactly.

I'm definitely... Writing it would be the whitest thing I could do, too. Dear BET. Dearest BET. Sincerely, Mark. I was devastated. So how much longer are you here? I'm here. It's when?

What day is it? Wednesday? I've been here so long i'm here for two more days yeah just two more thank god it's almost over this is like the party time too so it's it's been it's fun now hell yeah have you been drinking heavily here and i a little bit yeah they they like they party here they're really they're it's a huge party culture here i don't get why more people don't do bachelor parties in montreal oh it is the big bachelor party for canada it is canada but i don't like even americans like because you it's like prostitution is basically

legal here yeah it is now we sound like real people no it literally is like it's like not but you go to the strip clubs and there's like a red light aisle you go down there's rooms and shit yeah marks out marks out you hear the door. Yeah, right. Wow, I didn't know it was legal. So yeah, someone was telling me last night they go to the strip club. There's like a row of rooms. You just go in and you get a massage. But like everyone knows what the deal is. Yeah.

I'd like a massage from the stripper, please. At 3 a.m., please. I'm kind of tight. Yeah, I know she's really good. Seven martinis deep. I have a really bad knot in my penis. If you could just suck on it a little bit, I know she's really good with seven martinis deep. I have a really bad knot in my penis. If you could just suck on it a little bit, the knot will come out.

I don't think I've been to a Montreal strip club. I think we went to one in Vancouver on Valentine's Day. Oh, yeah, the big orange. Are you fans of strip clubs? I'm not a big fan. Not really. I think it's kind of not sexy honestly to me i agree i think it's also i'm getting too old like all the women that are so fucking young they're so and they're just like good it's kind of pedophilic a little bit and they look younger

than they are that's like they purposely do that i feel the same hooters hooters i'm like god i can't do this she's like i'm in college i'm like okay i don't want wings anymore here take 20 good luck yeah it's not fun gary veder's got one of my favorite jokes in his new special should i not say this james i fuck it doesn't matter gary's got a joke about how a stripper came up to him and she goes i'm gonna give you the best night of your life he goes really the best night of my life better than the day my children were born and better than the day i married my wife and she goes yeah and he goes all right fuck it let's do this it's a good night yeah strip clubs i did a thing we went to a strip club when i got new faces this is years ago and uh they go five bucks a song for dancing and i was like that's a good that's a

deal holy but of course i was dumb, and full of semen. And I blew it. And I did like 12 songs. And I was broke. And they were Ramones songs. You did 12 in a row with the same woman? Yeah. That's wild.

That's fun. Because the songs are like these techno bullshit. They all blend together. They make them shorter. And yeah, you don't even... I don't know what the break is. I'm waiting for Stairway to Heaven. Give me a 12-minute song here.

You make your own mix. You're like, it starts with November rain. Let's do this. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. That's funny. But no, she got me. She told me.

Yeah, of course. What are you going to do, a two-minute lap dance? You're like, this is incredible. Yeah, and I blew my whole profit from New Faces, which was like a $12 check. Right. Mark and I were New Faces together. The same year? What year was it? Mark and i's careers for many years paralleled each other i think we both auditioned four straight years and every year uh you know for people that don't know about this

it's like a new you get a new thing in montreal it's like the introduction to the industry whatever and uh yeah every year i was like mark you're going you're like i'm serious i didn't believe you that you weren't because you can't tell each other when you get it yeah yeah well i mean we would have told each other but i didn't but i didn't believe him i thought he was saying i thought he was like i don't know if you were like maybe trying to protect my feelings that you got it and i didn't and i was like no i want you to go right but i thought you were just lying to me to maybe protect my feelings oh wow but but it out. That's amazing you got it the same year. No, no, no.

That year you told me. But every year Mark was like, no, I'm not going. I didn't believe him. Oh, right, right, right. Because I was just like, he should be going in my mind. I got it the year they fucked us over.

Have you heard about this? I got it in 2016. They completely ruined the show and they apologized afterwards. And it's like legendary. They're like, yeah, 2016. They really fucked the new faces over. I was here.

We were here that year. You probably might have been. Wasn't Janelle James on your show too? Yeah, Janelle James was on my show. She was complaining to me about it, and I was like, oh, so people just didn't go or something? The show didn't start until like 11.30 at night.

And this is like a big deal for a young comedian. It's huge. I was three years in, and it was amazing. I don't know how i got it honestly it's crazy but they they said it was sold out but it was only half full the first like six rows of the theater were empty and then i don't know if i should say the name of the host but the host was an older comic who did not care that he was there yeah and just did bad crowd work forgot jp mcdade's

name and had to go to the side of the stage be like what's your name again i wish you would wait can i guess if i guess it's like an older old comic yeah black or white black mark curry no he's a he's actually a good comic too but he just did not care about this show damn cosby has the same same initials as our first president. First president? Yeah. George Wallace. Yeah, yeah.

Damn. He did not give a shit. He did not give a shit. That was pretty easy. Come on. I thought I kind of threw that softball at it. I was thinking George Jefferson. I don't know.

President Jefferson. George Wallace is funny as shit, though. He's funny, but he just didn't want to be there, which I get. It's below him. But you do have a duty to help out the duty he did and he like made them turn on the house lights at one point so he could see the crowd and then they didn't turn them off for like 10 minutes and it was like a disaster i went up like eighth or ninth out of 12 and the industry was gone they'd laugh it's a brutal it's a brutal thing yeah it was i almost quit comedy i was like this is it well you feel

like it's rigged in those moments i remember when i auditioned at the comic strip it was a big deal for me i was a young comic and that club meant a lot to me and i was i was waiting it's like you have a lottery to audition you're like okay there's six spots it's after the regular show so the regular show starts at eight we go into like 10 15 so it's already hard yeah maybe 10 30 who knows so they restarted like guys stay these are new guys auditioning so a lot of the crowd was nice enough to stay out of the six So it's already a hard spot Oh god Yeah Maybe 1030 Who knows So they restarted They're like guys stay These are new guys auditioning So a lot of the crowd Was nice enough to stay

Out of the six comics I draw fucking number six Oh god And everyone before me sucked Okay The guy who's number five Before me I shit you not

He has a nervous breakdown On stage And he's bombing so hard That he's like I shouldn't be doing this What the fuck And he starts freaking out He walks Out of 80 people in the room, I'd say 68.

Oh, my God. And I'm watching this and I'm like, in my head, I'm like, it's over for me. Why am I? It's rigged. I have no chance. And I just said, fuck it. I'll do what I can with 12 people. And I just was riffing and I was making fun of him.

And Richie Tinkin, who ran the club at the time, was like, I like you for not giving up there. Wow. I wasn't great or anything. He passed you? He passed me for late night. Oh, wow. There we go. But it was a moment where you're like, this can't be fucking happening to me.

It's just not fair. But it was for late night. It was just for late night spots. But it was something. It was something. Wow, that's huge. How long was the set? Five minutes.

He walked 68 people in five minutes? It was... That's talent, honestly, in its own way. If we tried to walk 60% of the crowd in five minutes, you couldn't do it. Couldn't do it. That's amazing. He had a full-on meltdown.

Like, there's... That's so funny. You sure it wasn't his act? Yeah. Like, that wasn't his thing? He's the meltdown guy. Oh, shit. He goes, America's got talent.

Heidi, they all just start applauding. They're like, this is a fucking good meltdown. You got tape face and meltdown guy oh shit he goes in america's got talent heidi they all just start applauding like he this is a fucking good meltdown holy shit just watching all 68 walk out oh my god and you're just pleading with them please stay yeah it was i wanted to i was you're like there's nothing you can do but those moments for the you know you you feel like you only have one shot, but then later on you realize. You realize you get 150 shots. You get a lot of shots. Yeah, exactly. I know a guy who did new faces and lost his manager.

Who? I'll tell you later. Oh, my gosh. His manager? Yeah, because he had a, it was, you know, he's a hilarious guy, but it was a tough setup. And the manager was like, I don't know if it's going to work out. Just whatever. It didn't feel right.

And he was like, all right. Is he doing well now? He's killing it now.'t know if it's gonna work out just whatever it didn't feel right and he was like all right is he doing well now he's killing it now so it's just you can't dump a guy from one set that shows you didn't believe in the guy's no longer even in the business oh good so it was he didn't know what he killed himself it's fine he's not in the business of life anymore he had a meltdown at the strip it was the whole thing but yeah i had a really i got a really bad review for my show too there's those on top of that this lady left a terrible review of my set i actually did pretty well yeah but she just didn't get a joke of mine she like completely misinterpreted and she's like i don't know if i should say is a joke right like would know all the capitals of every country and i would say like i always say i don't

know the presidents too and shout out shout out a Canadian prime minister. I'm like, I'll do it for Canada. Tell me a prime minister. I'll tell you something about them. And they yelled it out. And I was like, white male. I like the joke, like, obviously. And she's like, every Canadian prime minister is a white male.

So I defeated the comedian. It's like, that was the joke, lady. Jesus. These reviewers. It's like, why are you the one lady who didn't get the joke that reviewed the exactly i hate i got reviewed in australia i did some gig theater hot crowd great show and she goes uh the hour was very good and full of jokes but he did the classic mistake as a comedian and i'm like oh no what the hell did i do what's the plan she goes he opened it up at the end to crowd work. And I'm like, that's my thing.

That wasn't a mistake. Mark and I, it's a fun way to open it up. How is that a mistake? By the way, I learned that from Dave Attell. You clearly know more about comedy than the fucking Jedi Master. Exactly. I said, like, shout out a thing. That was Toronto?

No, that was in Australia. She works for the shout out a thing. That was Toronto? No, that was in Australia. She works for the Adelaide Times. She's like huge comedy critic. Amateur move. I'm like, why would an amateur open it up?

You know? Yeah, they would be bad at it. The bad reviews are the funnest. I don't know why I thought you said Toronto, but it made me,

reminded me of a thing. I did a JFL Toronto one a few years ago and I posted a review because i thought it was so funny it was like you know he he didn't let up and his set was a little too dense with punch lines too funny for toronto the food tasted too good and it made me feel good because gaffigan messaged me and he's like what are these people doing they're crazy there we go oh a third a third member of the fucking Top Gun fleet here Eric God

I'm the only guy without sunglasses now god damn it what's shaking get on the mic Ryan Simpson everybody oh okay do you want to dress as what are you drinking which are drinking around to or no I'll do a beer. We also have soda, water, Red Bull. Yeah, we got a full bar downstairs. We can get you whatever you want. Vodka, soda, whiskey, tequila. Can I just get a screw driver?

I like that. I'll do a Peroni. You know what? And a glass of ice and a water. We got water in there. Oh, wait. How should we get a... Okay.

Are you going round two, two-ass awesomeness? I'll have a gin and tonic. Whoa! I'll stay until that. Yeah, yeah. I love a gin and tonic. I'm going to stick with the girl that brought me here. That a baby.

Lady Bloody Mary. She's on a rag. I hate to tell you. A glass of ice. All right. Brian. ice. Alright, Brian. Well, we lost Brian, but we had a good run. There you go, get whatever you want out of that mini fridge

there. Yeah, they have the cartons. Five missed calls from my publicist, Pam Loshek, right now. No way. That would be funny. Pam pam loshek classic new york uh angry lady i tell my i i don't know pam loshek she's a hilarious publicist but literally the other pam pam literally texted me the other day uh it's just always podcast stuff but she

goes and of course he didn't call back and i was like what and she goes oh wrong wrong text we've been on the phone before where she's just talking. She's like, oh, my God, a bird just shit on me. Anyway, do you want to do this? She can't be stopped. She can't let a thought not leave her mouth. Yeah, classic. Hold on.

She's conked. Oh, here we go. Oh, shit. We lost her. So what's shaking, Brian? You got shows tonight, tomorrow? I'm doing the surrounded shit. Oh, good luck.

Are you on Nancy again tonight? Or no? What's the surrounded shit. Oh, good luck. Are you on Nasty again tonight? Or no? What's today? Wednesday. Fuck. I don't know. You might be. I think I'm on the Comedy Store joint.

Oh, nice. I'll see you there. Is that the midnight one? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm going to be at that. I'm going to watch that. I might slide by Nasty.

Nice. And you got surrounded. That's a night. Yeah, yeah. It's stressful as hell, dude. I shouldn't be drinking. I ain't stressed about shit well actually I would say it's good to go in with a buzz for

surrounded yes I've done it before see I did it when it wasn't shit like when they thought of it I did it in cause it started out as a show in the lab at the improv and then I did it in at Moon Tower when they were like I think trying to sell it yeah and now they got me doing it, trying to sell it. Yeah.

And now they got me doing it. Oh, you know what it is. Did they censor you at all those shows? I don't know, man, but that's not my problem. That's an editor problem. Yeah. Thank you. That's what I say.

I like that. I like that. I refuse to stress for people I don't respect. Sure. The paycheck's good. It's like, I'm funny, and you don't get to tell me what's funny. So it's like, whatever, man. You hired me. You're going to get me. You're going to get the track gonna get me well mark got off and they said we could use about two minutes of that

they made you keep stretching they kept making you go i was over doing over 20 minutes all of us were like this is wow that's stressful well it's not that bad because like at that point you're just kind of like i'm it's you know it's like did you know the first few minutes suck and then you're kind of like it's all right did you know it was more than 15 you can feel that yeah i felt like it was a while yeah it also it goes by weirdly quickly too because you just fuck you just i mean i fight or flight i was just fucking with people i was just like this isn't how i do crowd work normally i can't go in with no worry you know yeah because i can't function that way so i'm gonna get a little fucked up i'm gonna get a little high get a little buzz go. I'm just going to go in and just whatever.

Are you on early or late? I don't even know. I love that. I don't know anything. I just know they want me to show up at 5 o'clock for a rehearsal, which is crazy. What do you rehearse? I don't understand. It's before they can just tell you where to stand and shit. It's complete.

Like, you know what? This is what irritates me. TV people love to waste your fucking time. They really do. Every time I film anything, they're always like, yeah, we need you here at noon noon and then i ain't doing shit till 7 p.m right right yeah and i'm like so i'd never show up on time i'm never there for good i'm not they say be there i'm gonna be there yeah what's the rehearsal like you get to ask how they met you get to ask what do they do guess what it's always like where to stand guess what is there going to be an x in tape on the

thing i'll figure it out yeah i've done. We've done this before. It's over here. I'm like, I would have found that. The light is a yellow light? Okay, I'll probably see it. Yeah, yeah. You know what it really is? Because the festival people do this too. What it is is, and they don't realize what they're doing, is basically what they're doing is they're transferring their stress onto you.

Right. They're stressed out about whether you'll show up, whether you'll be on time with the show. So they want you there four hours early so they are less stressed. Right. And they don't give a fuck what it costs you. It costs you your time, your free time. Oh, they just literally, the festival is texting me panicking because Ian Lara is supposed to open my show tonight.

Oh, they hate that. And they're like, he's fucking, his flight's delayed. We need backup options. I was like, I just text him. It'll be okay. They're like, we need a backup. I'm like, there's a pretty big fest here. We'll figure it out. If he doesn't make it. You can't find text him. It'll be okay. They're like, we need a backup. I'm like, there's a pretty big fest here. We'll figure it out.

We'll find someone. We're not just going to drop the gig from him. And guess what? Push come to shove. I'm a headliner. I'll just do the whole thing. If every comic in Montreal refuses to open for me, I'll just do 90.

What are you scared about? We literally do comedy every night without you. How do you think when we're here, we can't figure it out? They think these are the only shows we're doing all year. Exactly. This is the vacation for us in anything. But see, you a comic, you got to understand, they don't think like us. No, no, no.

We obviously, we don't make good decisions. We don't have the same shit that they're afraid of. No, no. That's why you do this. they're afraid of. No, no. That's why you do this. They're afraid of failure in a way we're not. You gambled your whole life on a crazy fucking thing. Yes. They're not those kind of people.

I know. They were freaking out. So the shit that they're like, oh, my God, the sky's burning. We're like, chill out. When I got here last week, they had walkers to take us to the venues. I'll figure it out. What about Joe Biden? We had to meet a walker and she walked me there.

They had a shuttle bus for us and we looked at the thing and we were like, it's.2 miles. We'll walk it. It's a walking city. They thought I would be attacked by a mob of fans. You know what it is? One guy ruined it in 1989.

Doug Stanhope blacked out at the tube. And they're like, we can't leave these comedians on their own devices. They lost Sam Kinison. Sam Kinison was drunk driving in Northern California. Every club you go to, you ever go to a comedy club where they charge you for alcohol and you're like, this is because Vic Henley came here in 1998. Shane Moss rolled in here. And he had four bottles of whiskey a night. And they were like, it was top shelf.

We have to. When he had it like 20% sold, he just fucking wrecked the bar. If they only give you one drink ticket, you know it's a bad club. Every time, it's going to be a bad club. If they don't let you drink for free, it's never good. There's a reason they're skimping on the bottom line. It's because they're not making enough money. How do y'all feel about...

This is my first time here. Y'all been here? Hey! Congrats. I've been here once. You were never a new face? I was a new face, but it was during the pandemic. Oh, so you did it in LA.

So you did it in LA, right? Whoa. Which I loved, because I was like, I don't want to leave the country. For what? But you did it with Sarah Sherman, right? Was she on it? I don't know. Oh, yeah.

SNL lady. Maybe she's a blur. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the next morning i got so no i mean you weren't bummed to not do this like i'd be bummed to not do the thing no i was so relieved really he lived in la yeah i was like i don't want to leave you just took an uber to do new every time i leave america i'm like i prefer i prefer america like i don't want to go other places if i don't have to well you also You also missed out. Was Jeff Singer the guy you auditioned for?

He was. So this guy. Yeah, I remember Jeff. Oh, yeah. He's like, that N-word's got it. But the day I auditioned for him the next morning is when I got the Netflix thing. So I wasn't excited about New Faces. I was like, well, okay, sure.

Oh, wow. Right, right. I mean, it was still cool. But it is annoying auditioning for a dude who wore a fedora it was sad to see him get like canceled because i was like he really liked my comedy well it was wild to hear all that shit that came out about you know i was like yeah i can't believe a guy in show business was sleazy this is insane i tell people this all the time women are lucky that there isn't a Me Too for them.

Because it's really about power, right? And almost every woman with power is creepy too. In show business. But it's like no one would give a fuck. If men started being like Mike, you know, she... In like 10 years they will though. No one would care.

But if we really wanted to, we could get a lot of these hoes canceled we were talking about this last night you know it's a touchy uh producer lady she's rubbed my arm she's touching us and we were like but i but i get it though i until i got in show business i didn't understand but it's like yeah they be you were like bitch i'm i'm not i'm not attracted i don't stop standing so close to me and touching my dick right mark and i were kind of flattered by the attention but i understand i was single i did i fucked like two producers oh man was that a mistake or no it was great i mean i got an album yeah still got a netflix special today thanks joanne i will say this what the same thing i love about this place is the same thing i hate about it. French. The French.

It is the French. It's very chill, but no one's in a hurry. The service is terrible here. The service is awful. I know. Every restaurant's crazy. I tried to get a coffee before I got here. I'm standing at Starbucks.

It took everything in me not to be like, bitch, are you going to help me, bitch? Wow. They're mad that you ordered a coffee. A coffee here? What? Why would you? Nobody will tell you anything. No one.'re like mad that you ordered a coffee. Like, a coffee here? What? Why would you? It's like nobody will tell you anything. No one.

I knew he'd come with peeves. I like this. No one's like right with you. None of that shit. They just like, I smoke cigarette. It's 9 a.m. You work at Starbucks. You can't smoke a cigarette.

It is fun to see a French homeless person, though. Yeah. I've never seen a homeless person speak French. They're like, oui, oui, baguette. I'm like, oh. Look like a bad poet. He's just a poor poet. It was amazing. It was amazing.

A homeless dude walked up to me. I didn't know he was homeless because, like he said, I just thought he was like a disgraced professor, right? He walked up to me. He's like, parlez-vous français? I was like, no, English. He's like, I am the homeless. He's like, I am the homeless.

It's kind of nice because we can go, I don't understand. You finally get that on your side. You're like, I thought you were a new face. They don't get paid a lot, you know? You're the homeless? Like, you the leader? I am the homeless. It's the only place you see hobos with scarves, too. Yeah.

With a little bit of style. Hobos with jewelry on. They got a couple rings. Is that a Ro-Wax? Nice. It is a little, it is kind of a sexual place, though. Oh, you can feel it. It feels like everyone wants to fuck you, doesn't it?

I know. It's like everyone, you got to get used to that and shake it off, because it's not what's happening. No, no, it's just French. It's European vibes. Oh, right. They be looking you with the, fuck me out. It's flattering, though. But it's just, no just french it's european vibes oh right let me look at you with this fuck it's flattering though but it's just they're just saying hello yeah you don't get

this greeting in ottawa i don't think this is this is montreal energy for sure definitely the women here stunning yeah yeah it's a it's a i don't know about that i agree i agree they're very very beautiful here yeah they're beautiful but like in a different way. You know what I mean? It's not like they're like. It's like fake tits, blonde, you know, like porn star shit. It's not the cookie cutter beautiful. Right. It's like I woke up and just washed my face.

Sure, sure, sure. Yeah. Oh. Thank you. Thank you, lady. Hell yeah. Thank you, man. So, what is for lunch?

The screwdrivers for right here. Gin and tonics right there. So funny. We're like, man, the service in this town sucks. And this is great. This is great. Thank you so much. Beer for me and a cup of ice for Brian over here.

Mark, how the fuck did you get a fancier hotel than everybody else? I said, fuck it. I can't stay with the comics. It's too anxiety inducing. So I'll spring for a W. There's three levels. The new faces get a different hotel than everyone else. I said, fuck it. I can't stay with the comics. It's too anxiety inducing. So I'll spring for a W. There's three levels. The new faces get a different hotel than everyone else.

Really? So there's three levels of comic hotels. Room 814. I thought the Hilton would be the move. I thought it was like, but then I forgot

because I think the Hilton until Friday, Saturday is okay. That's when I don't want to fucking be there. That's when everyone's going to hang. Yeah, yeah. Really? I don't mind it for two nights That's when everyone's going to hang Yeah yeah I'm going to go to Mark and check into this motherfucker Really?

I don't mind it for two nights And I'm usually a hotel snob But it's like I kind of I look at this as a festival And I want to see comics I've been here since Sunday Sure sure

Well that's the problem I came here Because I had I was originally supposed to go to West Nyack Wait you were here Sunday? Yeah because I was I was going to go straight from West Nyack to here Oh that's right

Cheers Cheers to Montreal. There we go. Man, we should have got soda in this motherfucker. Well, we got some over there. No, Dan. Oh, he left. He left.

He was only here one day. We got more poppins coming. We got a crew. No, there's two more people. We might as well get a hang going. Yeah, more people are popping in. Yeah, my nigga got the alien wear. Are you a gamer or are you just yeah my nigga got the alien wear are you a gamer or you just he's got the fortnite skin that is like that's the starcraft guy's computer i feel

like it's nothing wrong with starcraft if you got that laptop you want people to know you play video games you know what i'm saying yeah those muscles you see how the back of it just light up for no reason he's playing diablo the whole time. He's like, I'm Googling. No, he's on Diablo. Most gamers can't bench what James can bench, though. James is a big boy. You can bench a gamer. Yeah, right. And they're big. And they're big. Yeah, there's some big

gamers. A couple of the Asian ones. The white guys are fat as shit. You don't see fat Asians. Not really. Rarely see a fat Asian. I'm the fattest person in Montreal. We just talked about that. He was talking about. I'm the fattest person in Montreal. I was. We just talked about that. He was talking about how you're the fattest guy here.

We had a whole episode about how you're the fattest guy in Montreal. It's incredible. Oh, yeah. Because everybody walks everywhere, probably. I see. The food's healthier. They don't use the same chemicals we do. None of these fucks.

None of them will break the rules. They all just wait for the fucking light. They have cops waiting for jaywalking. We tried to jaywalk and they're like, no, no, no. The cops were like, don't do it. Canadians are the slowest drivers. I've never seen people obey the speed limit this much. It's infuriating.

Yes. If you're in a rush, you're like, I got a fucking flight. I was leaving Edmonton and we're going like 28 in a 40. I'm like, dude, what are you doing? I'm trying to get to the airport. 28 in a 40. Maybe that's why they, what are you doing? I'm trying to get to the airport. 28 in a 40. Maybe that's why they don't have mass shootings is like these little things. This society of politeness.

They're like, no, they say we can't. That's so many rules to break a mass shooting. When I was walking here, we were in one of those situations where it was a one-way street this way and me going this way. Yeah. And there was no cars coming, so I just started walking the street. And the lady was like, you know, something in French. I was like, bitch. I got a life to live.

I can't waste time here. I swear to God, I literally was like, I literally Googled like, fuck your mother in French. You know what I mean? What is it? What is it? It's something de mer. Yeah, mer is French. Fuck your mother in French.

Mer is also the C. C word. All right. Beste mer. B de mer. Yeah, mer is French. Fuck your mother in French. Mer is also the C. C word. All right. Beste mer. Beste mer. Beste mer, bitch. That's so funny. And I don't know if it really translates.

They might not mean the same thing. Right. But it made me feel good. I kept asking the French comics, what's retard in French? And they said there's no word for it. Retard. I've just been saying retard in English. Really?

They said there's no translation for retard in French. That's our R word just been saying retard in English. They said there's no translation for retard in French. It's retard in French. They said it didn't have the same oomph. It doesn't mean the same in French. It means like slow here. It just means... That's what it means in America. Oh, it just means delay.

Because the word tard is everywhere on signs here. Well, that's why they've numbed them to it. That's why. There's a sign that says super tard somewhere I saw. And it really killed. I always think about the fact that for most of the instances, the French were known as being

badasses. Sure. And then they just didn't help us one time in World War II. And we would just put the word out like hey they pussies

and that's all we're going to ever refer to They fell off. We're going to joke about like none of us were alive when this happened but if you call French people pussies

everyone still laughs. Yeah. Until we die that's always going to be the joke. And they I don't know if they really are pussies now

but it was like There's some badass badass french people they conquered all of europe yeah they were the last people to do that we both lost in vietnam we have the french and us yeah but they also they they needed a lot of help uh and yeah lack of work ethic bad war record armpit hair bad war record well yeah they beat all of europe i know but they need a lot of help though yeah they needed a lot of help to beat europe yeah okay all right world war one they got kind of slaughtered i won't have to get together but yeah us baby actually let's see twice right didn't napoleon do it twice napoleon did a lot yeah he like 20 years he kind of he wasn't even french though napoleon's Corsican. He's not even French.

And they have some of those badass special forces and shit. That's what I mean, like Krav Maga and shit. I'm not saying they're not pussies, but they're not any more pussies than the rest of Europe. Right. Sure, yeah. Swedish aren't. And the Swedish are weaker than the French. I just think of them as more chill.

I mean, I think of like the, what, 35-hour work week or whatever the hell they do. Cigarettes and chocolate. I like that. I feel like the French had their empire and they're like, we're done with that. We kind of like

not being a world power anymore. It's stressful to be a world power. It's a lot of work. They just want to drink wine. Yeah, Greece was the king of the castle. And now they've done nothing. They invented pedophilia.

They got tourism. They're great. They got tourism. They got wildfires right now. Who do you think next after us? Who's next? China. China's got it. Oh, they're already, they already passed this probably, right now who's next china china's got it oh

they're already they already passed this probably honestly yeah they probably did for a while too but yeah dutch had everyone's had a run at it yeah the british to the good but that's now we're talking work ethic the chinese they work harder they work really fucking hard we're getting lazy just because they don't have a middle class yet wait until they their middle class is getting bigger and bigger they're gonna have like that's true because they don't have a middle class yet. Wait until their middle class is getting bigger and bigger. They're going to have later. That's true. Is that right? As soon as their next generation of kids that grew up, that grow up with shit, once they

start getting consoles. Right. That'll. Because they were all poor as shit. They're like, we got to work hard, work hard, work hard. When they start identifying their genders and shit. Yeah. That'll slow them down.

Yeah. Good point. Because don't forget. Because that costs time talking to your father, reconciling. That's a whole, that's like a few weeks right there. Don't forget, we still dominate culturally. Like everybody still wants to be in American culture. You got that right.

They know who Kim Kardashian is over there. We don't know their equivalent. Michael Jordan is. Right. Although I feel like soccer is like sports-wise just so much. Soccer is the biggest cultural thing. Look at what athletes are getting paid. This player.

Messi. No, no, not Messi. No. Mbappe. How do you say his name? Mbappe. Mbappe. The French guy, yeah.

Fucking $1.1 billion. Whoa. For one year. For one fucking year. To kick. I don't think that goes to him, though. $37 million or something. Maybe after.

It was more than Lebron made in his whole career in his whole nba career even jordan everyone talks about jordan he made his fortune from from the shoe not from playing sure the top athlete earners are all soccer top 10 are all but nba's jumped up like just 10 years ago the highest played player was mike conley was like 153 mike conley was the highest paid player it was just at the right time it was like 153. Mike Conley was the highest paid player? It was just at the right time. It was like he signed at the right time. But then Jalen Brown just signed for three something. Yeah.

Which is crazy. It's crazy money. Their contracts are guaranteed. They're guaranteed. Yeah. Interesting. Football players are getting fucked now. Why the fuck would you choose football?

Running backs? I would not let my kids play football. No. Really? There's no upside. CTE can't. Because even if you have the potential to be the greatest football player that's ever lived, you still will make a tenth of what any other sport.

And more of the damage. And you might do a murder-suicide when you're 40. I think Barkley may be the best running back in football, and he's not going to get paid. It's crazy. He's like, well, yeah, we're not going to pay you. Yeah, and I'm a Giants fan. Like, this fucking sucks. I love that guy. And the injury. Yeah, it's crazy. I love you. Yeah, and I'm a Giants fan. This fucking sucks. I love that guy.

And the injury. Yeah, it's crazy. I love it. Why is that bad? We got two Super Bowls on the Patriots in the last 20 years. Are you a Knicks fan too? I'm a huge Knicks fan. The biggest.

Oh, wow. What do you think? Look at this shirt. No, I empathize with you because I'm a Commanders fan. Okay. Which one is that? The Redskins? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Say that again. Sorry, sorry. Don't dead name them. No dead naming. We were the Redskins, and then we were that the redskins yeah yeah yeah don't dead name them no dead naming and then we were just the football team which was way better than the new name i thought that was kind of a cool name actually that was like old that was like what they do in soccer they're like just football club that's what they do yeah sometimes they still go the new york football giants yeah i like that right but but i call them the casinos Dude Jalen Brunson's Fucking awesome I love our team so much Right now do you have a basketball team or not

Not really I mean you know If you put a gun to my head I'll say You know the Wizards They've never been good though really have they They've made the playoffs a few times Yeah but not really I love Gilbert Arenas man He was the man Gilbert was dope

You know he was kind of dumb He was the man. Gilbert was dope. You know, he was kind of dumb. He was crazy, but that's why I loved him. But he was that dude. I remember that Kobe game. I just saw some of him talking about that. I did a sports podcast and he was a guest. And that was the whole episode was about that game.

The 60 point game. Oh, wow. Trying to call yourself the Black Mongoose. Yeah. That'sose yeah that's cold that's cold that's great that's some cold shit to say to Kobe Bryant

that's great fuck what you talking about yeah but he was a great player though Kobe came back because I heard so there was somebody else in that game

I can't remember the dude's name but Kobe because he tells a story about how in the fourth in the fourth quarter of the next time they played he went up to him and was like, you had a good game. And then Kobe put up like 40.

Oh. You know? Were you a big Kobe guy? Fuck no. He was fun to watch, though. I'm not a basketball guy. Right. But I was never a Kobe guy.

You were a football guy. Because the Lakers to me were like the Cowboys. Yeah. They were like the bandwagon team that you root for. You can't root for the Lakers. You don't know shit about the sport, they were like the bandwagon team that you root for. You can't root for the Lakers. It's kind of like the Yankees. People that ain't from LA root for the Lakers.

Because when we were kids, like my generation, when we were kids, that's who was winning. I'll put it like this. I don't respect anybody that's both a Lakers fan and a Cowboys fan. Or a combination of Yankees. Right, all that. They're like, oh, I like the Yankees, the Cowboys, and the Lakers.

Like, you just a fucking. It's a hack. It's like liking Jeff Dunham. You have no character. You have no character. Believe in something that don't mean things. That's why Knicks fans are fucking awesome, man. We're loyal.

Like in Minnesota, our teams never win. Well, your team's fucked for a long time. You got the Vikings. But we never win. We're good, but we never win. The Twins did win. The Twins did win once, yes. The Vikings won a Super Bowl, right?

No, they've lost four. They've lost the most without winning of any team. That's not true. The Bills lost four in a row. But the Bills have won one, I think. I don't know. Have they? Actually, can you?

Oh, they haven't won? Okay. They might not have. I thought they did. I like the Seattle Storm. The Bills lost four in a row. They did win a row. They lost four in a row. They The Bills lost four to the NFC East. Did the Bills ever win a Super Bowl?

I don't think they did. I actually don't think they did. I went to a game. It was amazing. Oh, Buffalo. Oh, they love it. They're hardcore. I love them there, dude.

They live in America's Beirut. It's like a post-industrial wasteland. Yes, exactly. Great Italian food in Buffalo. Really? They got chefs, man. America's Beirut. Is it like a it's like a post-industrial wasteland. Yes. Great Italian food in Buffalo. Really? They got chefs man. Great.

I mean it's good food there. Really good food. I got a lot of love for Buffalo. Any of those towns where all there is to do is drink

the food's great. Sure. Yes. Like you go to you ever been to Billings Montana? I have actually. Yeah it's like

one of those places where you're like this is the middle of nowhere but the food is amazing. There's a lot of depression and alcoholism. Oh, yeah. Is that where Big Sky was? Oh, yeah. Was that Billings? Okay, yeah. It was my second favorite WNBA team. Big Sky.

Big Sky. I just saw a thing where a lady retired from the Women's Football League. Oh, Megan Rapinoe or something. Megan Rapinoe? I didn't even know that there was a league. I didn't either. Yeah, she retired.

In the World Cup, they were huge. Yeah, she was very famous for the Olympics. Oh, she went to Chappelle. The World Cup. Did she? She said Chappelle is the... Wait a minute, is this a big girl we're talking about? No. No, okay.

We're not talking about the same person. She's got purple hair or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She said Chappelle's responsible for all the trans violence. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Really? She said that? Yeah. Pull it up. said chapelle's responsible for all the trans violence oh okay okay yeah really yeah yeah pull it up okay i think that's probably true yeah i think she probably did say that now that no that she's not that she's right but then she said that oh that no no what were you what were you saying like half of the trans violence is just trans people no no i that's true you ever live good

point like so in in san diego the gay neighborhood was hillcrest right and it's like bro if you were ever there after like midnight you would always see two trans people that's fucking oh throwing hands in the middle of the street people are just people yeah they're just gonna fucking each other up yeah but especially like when you're in that community and you can just fuck people like you could just pull up an app and go somebody wants to fuck right it's like you're gonna that community and you can just fuck people. You can just pull up an app and go, somebody wants to fuck right there. It's going to always be drama. It's going to be some drama.

Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? It's going to be drama. I don't know. Gay guys seem to be pulling it off. Yeah, but it's like you see somebody running out of an apartment with their wig and their heels in one hand. Yeah. That was the best thought of my life.

Yeah. Gay guys have it good. That is almost like their gym bag right you just take it in the air and you're like yeah it's the closest thing that humans will ever have to being like back to being primal yeah just fucking where you can just go like a wolf can go to the top of a hill and just horny and everybody will show up good point point. Like a parrot screeching. They call that a steam room. We got feelings and reflection and so it keeps people from being nasty. Yeah, so true.

Damn. If you could get a room full of people and you could snap your fingers and be like, everybody do whatever you want for the next hour. Snap. And they couldn't resist that it would be a lot everyone would jack off you're right every single person would jack off probably no i would probably not try to get laid at the same time when sandy hit new york this hurricane all

the power went out in all of new york which is insane millions of people with no power within 20 minutes i lived in lower east side which was already kind of a dicey area 20 minutes nothing but glass breaking women screaming and babies crying wow really bottles like flying past your window and shit it was wild i love it was scary we're very close to anarchy we don't even know how close we are right there 20 minutes without wi-fi i'm ready to throw a fucking punch. Let's do this. No 5G? Let's go.

Speaking of gay, remember that movie? I'm grabbing my high heels and I'm throwing down. Remember that Bill Burr joke where he shoulder checks a lesbian on the street? It's like a big bullseye. And he's like, why the hell are lesbians always so mad? Oh, they deal with women. That's a great joke. That's a great bit.

Exclusively with women. That's his new special. That was so funny Yeah Was that Red Rocks? Yeah It was a recent one I know so many lesbians

That's in abusive relationships For sure Mentally No I mean No physically Physically Yeah Really

Yeah get physical Man that's our thing Cause there's no stigma They're stealing our shit That's appropriation There's no one There's no one to be like Oh that's not appropriate.

No one's going to judge you. Most people say it's shit out of your wife. Well, they say it's a fair fight, but someone's bigger and a better fighter. Right. Someone straps on the dildo. That person has an advantage. Hear, hear. Lesbians have the highest rate of domestic violence.

Whoa! No! Toxic female. 64% of lesbians and 61% of bisexual women have experienced forms of VR word and physical violence. They've been hurt more than Buffalo Bills fans. That's terrible. Yeah, and more consecutively, too. They won two AFC championships.

They won two AFC championships. They never won. I was wrong. Washington lesbians. I always say they should have funnier names like Memphis Menopause and shit like that. Right, right. Houston Hormones. There's going to be so many people mad about it.

I know. For sure. We losing our sense of humor. Oh, tell me about it. We are. We take out some. Well, we don't. But a lot of people take themselves too serious.

Well, it's weird because everybody has a voice. So they can just tell you when they don't like. That's the problem. So I just keep doing it. I didn't change it. I put my special out, good to see real comedy. I'm like, I'm just doing comedy. It's not real.

It's just comedy. I don't know. Stop calling it real comedy. I don't know if people are more offended. They're just more able to share their offense. In the old days, they just would watch David Letterman get mad at a joke, and they'd be like, ah, Youngstown, Ohio.

You couldn't tweet about it. It's just like, oh, Danielle doesn't like Letterman. Chappelle said in some interview when the show was on, so it was like less internet going on, and he said he would get bags, like garbage bags full of hate mail, and they would just throw them in a dumpster. Oh, wow. Yeah, they used to just write letters like, Hank Aaron, we hate you, or whatever. Yeah, exactly. That's what they used to do. But that was only the most dedicated person. Now it takes way little effort.

Yeah, it's way less effort. Exactly. You can just, oh, I hate you. Yeah, Twitter's so easy. So easy. They have way too much. I mean, look, it's helped all of our careers, the fact that they have this kind of access to us.

But it's also, you're going to get some of that shit. We should limit posting. You should get like two tweets a week. Then you wouldn't waste it on these frivolous things. It's like Chris Rock's bit about bullets. They just base it on your IQ. Oh, right. Chris Rock's like it's not the guns about me. Make bullets really

expensive. Oh, I love that. You have my property. That's great. Rock's got a lot of fucking classic bits. A lot of gems. Yeah. Oh, my God. I don't know don't know see man i'm scared to get that rich because i don't i think i'm gonna stop being funny when i'm that rich it seems to happen i would quit i was on a plane with jay-z a private jet you get less relatable shit you just get less relatable shit and also it's like you write this because

you kind of have to and then you get to a point, I think, when you're at a fucking party with these famous people. It's not just wealth that makes you less funny. I think it's comfort that makes you less funny. Irritability is an important part of this. You came in here annoyed, and it was funny. You're not going to be as irritable if you showed up here with a driver. It's just different yeah you can't be you can't be like you guys know how hard it is purchasing a yacht and everyone's like oh yeah that's an annoying process yeah yeah

did i remember i went i went to i went to i went to visit a friend and i rented a car and then and now you when you go when you go to pick up your car there's always what they do now there's a there's a luxury vehicle uh-huh sitting right you go to pick up your car, there's always what they do now. There's a, there's a luxury vehicle sitting right there where you pick up your car and it's like for just an extra 25 bucks, you know, you can rent this one. And I was like, you know, you know, yeah, 25 bucks. Yeah. And then, and, and cause I was always one of those people, like when I was working at the store, the comedy store, people would pull up in all these fancy-ass cars.

I was like, I would never spend $90,000 on a car. That's crazy. And I'm going to get me a little Civic with the full package. Reliable. No, but then I rented this car. And I got back because I'm buying a car now. And I was like, I need ventilated seats. Ventilated.

It's a must. It's a must. It's a deal. I don't even know what that means. It means like that. So when you turn on the AC. Oh, the air goes through. Oh, that's nice. You get the arm.

Heated seats too is huge. That's nice. All the air is blowing up your ass and all that. Oh, shit. Normally you sit in the car, you're just sweating on the leather. Right. Right. But you need, I think as long as you're putting yourselves, that to me is not making the difference.

As long as you're putting yourselves in relatable situations so you can still connect to people. Separate yourself from the people. You can't live in an ivory tower of money and stuff. Mark and I have a lot of jokes about flying and shit like that. People relate to that. Once you start flying private, you lose that. But the thing is it's inevitable if you get too big you're gonna you have to right because you're gonna get to the

point where you have to find other ways you can't walk in the airport Dave Chappelle can't walk through the airport no no right Joe Roker can't walk through the airport but I think you got to keep yourself in check right like that's the key because you have that little guy inside you you were you homeless for 10 minutes yeah like that's still in you so i think as long as that guy is in you keeping you in check you'll be all right because you're still that guy yeah yeah you can't be like colin jose like you ever have a private a private like pilot who's like puerto rican it's a tough one i don't know i don't know i don't know that guy at all. I love Collins.

We actually texted him to come on here last week. He didn't answer me. He just reminded me, and that really bugged me. He just was a rich guy who popped in my mind. Dave Attell keeps himself in check. Oh, absolutely. But he's always like, that was a little hacky. I've got to work on that.

That's not there yet. That's what you need. You don't need the yes man going, you're the GOAT. You're amazing. You're flawless. James, howames how often do i when we're on the james films me on the road how often do i tell you like i feel like you're too nice to me sometimes i'm like tell me that's not fucking funny right i know i love that i was like please tell me i suck i don't want to hear i'm good it's like yo have you ever seen me with an entourage just fuck just fucking lay into me there you go have you ever seen me show with more people than need to be there you need a no man you need a no guy who's like yeah your new half hour kind of

sucks man yeah yeah marcus arise hired a guy to just walk around be like you're not shit he really did yeah and he's that in meditations yeah book yeah he hired a guy to follow around but there is a balance to be you know you need a balance in this business you need you can't just you know live a bad life i mean you that's true too i ran into chris rock on the street the other day i was walking i was on facetime and i just hear a voice go sam morrell i'm like holy shit what the fuck that sounded like chris rock and i look up it's rock and he's like how you been i and i told him, I was like, I went on my first actual vacation recently.

And he's like, you gotta take a vacation. He's like, gotta take, he goes, even LeBron has an off season. Is he pacing? He's still pacing. But like, that's true as well. He was like, you know, Rock is, none of us would say Rock isn't one of the best ever.

Yeah, I love him. And he's a dude who fucking knows how to take time off so there's there's a balance where like he's still talking about relatable shit but he's doing all these things we're talking about he flies private he does you know he vacations he chills he's got a good life he's got a family i think the family can keep you relatable too you have a family kids are always really kids are always raised a kid i'm gonna have a kid just for are always relatable. Kids are always relatable. Everyone's raised a kid. Talk about struggle. I mean, kids are hell.

I'm going to have a kid just for the material. It's just going to help my career. Yeah, I'm going to lose a kid just for the material. I want to fucking clap them, dude. Also, you don't need to hire a guy to tell you you ain't shit when you got major depressive disorder. That's what I'm saying. It's in you. Yeah, it's already in me.

It's in the wiring. Do you feel that a lot? I mean that is that a struggle oh it's a big time struggle yeah i mean i mean i do drugs too so you know not not major i mean i smoke weed a lot yeah and every now and then mushrooms are you on antidepressants you ever do that i stopped doing them which ones were you on i was on i did like i tried like six of them oh yeah so i did zoloft for a while yeah what cy Or Cymbalta I mean Yeah And then I did this

Other shit that Man what the fuck is this But it It all had side effects That I couldn't fuck with Yeah I just microdosed Psilocybin

That's the only thing that's That shit And the NAD shit That's the only thing That's made a difference You do You microdose every day No no no

Every other day Oh that's awesome. But it's like, I was on one. One of them made me motherfucking, like, turn me into a zombie. One of them made me randomly, like, have to shit my pants. Yeah, they make you really tired. The one I was on made me tired. I was tired.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I could come, but I had to, like, tap into some cavemen. Even just masturbating and watching my favorite porn, I had to like i had to like tap into some caveman even just masturbating watching my favorite porn i had to be like you know you know what i mean like i could use all your energy for the day your poor roommate everything he's jerking it again i might have like a bruised pelvis when he's on that zoloft again holy shit what so it just kills the sex drive they all do a lot you can get like not to be too personal oh speaking of not being able to ejaculate daniel but i don't know you brian what's going going on, brother? What's up, man? Do you want a drink?

What are you drinking? We got a beer. We got a full bar. Whatever you want. I'm going to take one more. I'll have a whiskey. Just straight up or rocks? Scotch.

Scotch, neat. You're always drinking that. And James, can you get him another screwdriver? Double, Brian? Easy. You got a full night ahead of you. No, not a double, a single. Not a double?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't believe you got this pitch drinking. It wasn't easy. Look at those shades. He's like a gay Lennon. We're talking about dealing with depression here, and Brian is talking about microdosing and weed. Do you ever do any of that stuff?

I don't fucking trust um we went to a wheat store together yesterday yeah i spoke wheat all day every day oh really all day every day wow yeah i'm always high you've seen so not high yeah though that's part of the you know the the the addict's illusion is like that's the thing if you can get away with being high and nobody knows you're high you can be high all the time right because nobody's judging you but yeah i don't get baked i don't get like my fucking head i'll be right back but i get like i i will you know i want a joint every fucking really is it medic like a medicine it's yes you imagine it quite quite well it's medicine and i'm an addict it just it quiets the the the the chatter in my fucking head and i just and i'm a nicer person when i'm an addict it just it quiets the the the the chatter in my fucking head and i just

and i'm a nicer person when i'm high hey i'm more patient i'm more empathetic when i'm sober if somebody in the street were to talk to me i would be like how fucking dare you yeah talk to me when i'm just like and whereas if i'm high and somebody's like hey how are you i'm like i'm fucking great man how are you yeah let's try right i'm just not good at being altered for real shit. Like if I have to do something, I can't be altered. I'll fuck it up. I can, listen, I can be high as long as I'm doing something that I've done a thousand times. That's what I need.

Like if I'm doing something new, I can't be fucked up. If I'm, you know, if I'm playing Madden or I'm doing stand up, I can't be fucked up. If I'm playing Madden or I'm doing stand-up, I can be a little high. Anything that I've done a million times, I know like the back of my hand, I can be fucked up. Because then it's fun. Right. But it fucks with your short-term memory. Oh, is that right? Yeah.

So it's like if you're trying to learn something new and you're high, it's like you keep forgetting the shit you were just told. You don't store it the way you're supposed to oh no that's scary yeah it's comics you need that memory do that recall yeah but i do feel like people who smoke it's like it opens up a different part of your brain for me i can't do it but i understand why people do it but some people got a problem yeah you don't get high you can't get high i can't do it dude i get i get just negativity in my head i don't i don't alcohol silences the can't get high? I can't do it, dude. I get just negativity in my head. Same. The bad goes out. Alcohol silences the voices and weed heightens them for me. Really?

Same here. So you a happy drunk? I'm a good drunk. Oh, yeah. You would say so. Right? I think I'm pretty good. He stops hitting his girl.

Y'all are both pretty positive when I'm around y'all. Yeah. Try to keep it positive. Yeah. I'm not around y'all that often. I don't want to bring people around me down. I don't want to be that dude. Me neither.

I hate motherfuckers that tell me all their problems. Get a therapist. I complain, but I do it in a positive way. New York is very much, can you believe this shit? But then it's like, after 30 minutes, you're like, but we're good, right? Things are good. This is a bit I'm working on.

But this is also my real opinion. Please. Your emotions are like bodily fluids right that is for people that love you to have to deal with like if you shit your pants at the party i'm gonna be like who brought mark help clean it up it's not for everybody that's for your loved ones to be like let's get him out of here wipe his mouth you know what i'm saying so it's like people nowadays think that everybody's responsible you don't come on a stranger for how they feel right you don't come on a stranger right you know well wait wait don't

we've all had a dude shoot a hot load all over our face it's actually worse if it's warm right it's warm I've taken public transport. Right, right. It's actually worse if it's warm, right? It's warm. The warm cum is way worse. Cold cum I can handle. That's a sunscreen. When my cum is cold, it's concerning.

Surely cold cum is worse. Surely you want warm cum. Warm cum is fresh. What is the temp of cum? I don't even know. It's pretty warm. Is it warm? Yeah, right. So if it comes out cold, it means it's alarming. Is that a bad thing? It's like a donut. You don't want know. It's a body temperature. Yeah, right. So if it's cold, it means it's alarming.

Is that a bad thing? It's like a donut. You don't want it sitting around. You drink it right away. You don't let it sit. Yeah, yeah. If your cum is cold, your next generation, there's no next generation. That's an internal problem.

That cum's not working. No, that's dead cum. That's dead. That's just ghost. It's just ghosts. It's just go it's just We've been around the wet blanket at the party the guy who corners you we were like fuck I'm stuck talking to this guy Yeah, the guy who's like this fucking guy doesn't call me back anymore. And you're like gee. I can't imagine why you're so pleasant We've all been around that person

I was around one of them at your wedding and I was like this I'm watching people see this person approach and everyone does the same face like fuck it's my wife all right yeah yeah that's i had this guy recently like why don't you like me i'm like i like you what do you think he's like why come on you don't like me i can tell you don't like me i don't know i got no i don't even think about you i like you what's what he was like you don't like me i can tell you don't like me i'm like i don't know i got no i don't even think about you i like you what's what he was like you don't like me and eventually i was like this is why i don't like you i just snapped because he wouldn't stop i'll tell you and i get it and it sucks to not be liked but he made me not like him one of the a terrible thing you guys probably don't deal with this but at my level like people will be like i'll follow you they'll just hold

their phone be like follow me on instagram like right now they'll be like qr code scan the code i'll follow you like what the fuck yeah let me scan the code, I'll follow you. Like, what the fuck? Yeah, let me decide. I'll decide. I'll follow you and unfollow you on the way home. Sure, if that's what you want. Yeah. It happens a lot.

It's more aggressive than a phone number. It's kind of like... Yeah, yeah. Right. That's the upside of being 40. You know, once you hit about 40, you stop giving... Like, yeah, sure, you know,

your testosterone's dropping and, you know, you got those kind of things going on. But you don't care that much. I don't need you. You don't get mad about stuff like that. I don't need people to like me. You know, it's still there. Like it bubbles up.

But then I'm like, why do you give a fuck? You don't even have you don't even a good friend to your friends. Let me rephrase that, because a lot of people make the mistake of thinking that i'm a fun friend i'm not the fun friend i'm the i'm the friend you call when you have a problem i'm not the friend you call when you're having a party i know but some people they they put me in the other category we all going no i'm not fucking going to whatever the you'd rather be the problem friend i'm rather i know there's a downside to being the problem but you gotta pick one but yeah but i'm not built for new people like i'm not trying to be around 100 people i need we got like 10 more guests coming yeah yeah i mean

my environment to be in i needed to be less variables i don't need strangers because the more people you with you ever i put it like this you ever go out with a big group of people yeah the more people are in the group the you are you the more you're going, I put it like this, you ever go out with a big group of people? Yeah. The more people are in the group, the more you are going to have a problem. Yeah. I agree. Something will happen. You're going to have to take care of a motherfucker.

You're going to have to make sure somebody gets home. Right. I'll go to dinner, but as soon as you tell me that it's more than six people, I'm out. Got it. I'm out.

Uh-oh. And I'm only going if we know who paying for what. Well, that's why they do the gratuity is guaranteed at a certain level because people get shittier as you get bigger right the coffin more people what's cracking

he's getting the smallest amount of whiskey on the planet he's a Scotsman alright can we get a mic as well? Alan McCoskey, everybody. Hi, I'm Allie. Jeffrey, I feel like we met once in New York. Allie, do you not drink?

I've never seen Allie drink. Is this even plugged in? We just assume it is. We just assume they are. It does seem like it isn't, though. No. This looks fake. I for so fucking long I really thought

Like it was like When you play computer games With your brother And they give you The fake controller This was so clearly Just a fake fucking microphone I'm like

Did they just want my face In like the thumbnail for this They're like Yeah you're part of the podcast You see how his laptop's glowing? That motherfucker don't got fake electronics. It's all real.

It's all real. He's a virgin. It doesn't even have a fucking charge point on the bottom. It's so fucking weird. The sound is coming through, just to be sure.

All right, just check if the levels are... This guy will not fuck us. No, no, no. He put that outfit. But it is wild. You know, the last time, the last two times I did

Ari's podcast, my audio wasn't recording. No. That's crazy. That's brutal because that means you just hung out with Ari. That is awful. For nothing. No. He came to my house and we did it in my house.

Damn. And then the episode came out. It was like the audio was just fucked up. Cut to a clip. Bullshit. An Air Force guy said, I don't think you're air force material and then i i featured for him in denver and we did it in the green room and this time there were three of us it was like the opener me and ari and we did this whole fucking podcast and then

and the next thing he's like you're not gonna believe this the audio's oh did you like do it where you would like go on stage but keep the podcast going we did that in philly in the green room during the show i wouldn't like that i mean you know ari's kind of like by the seat of his pants type shit right yeah that's what we yeah so i don't know what his i don't know if it's like an organized thought yeah he's just like let's do a podcast let's just swing it but yeah and now he's not doing it anymore. Yeah, the Jew. Ari the Jew. I think. You know more than one Ari? I know more than one Jew.

In Scotland? Are there a few? No, no. They're all from here. Yeah, there aren't many Jewish people in Scotland. No, there's not. Not because we did anything to them. They just never came. Too cold.

Too cold. Too cold. Jews and black people have a long history. Yeah. I think we're good right i think there's uh-oh let's squash the beef right now was there beef no i know james baldwin wrote some nasty shit about jews i mean he was just like you know with he knew jews only as like landlords and like you know that's i think he was talking about israelis no i mean eastern european jews and

there's a lot of type of jew But then overall, I think Jews, you know, black, civil rights stuff, we're good. We link together. Yeah, well, everything. Because you know the word ghetto, that was first Jew, right? Yeah.

So every time y'all struggled and went through some shit and got through some shit, we came in. Like basketball, y'all started, y'all was, the NBA used to be all Jews. You guys are slightly better than us. Yeah. The jury's still in are slightly better than us. Yeah.

The jury's still in. I don't know. Comedy. Comedy. There's something about the suffering or the being like directly targeted. And your talent comes out. Well, it's culturally, I think culturally we have, it's important to be funny. Yeah, a lot of similar shit.

Are there Jewish NBA players still? Dolph Shades was a beast In the 50s In the 50s I mean don't The real big difference Between Jews and black people Is that we don't

Like We don't suffer on purpose Like y'all We don't do shitty We don't do like No cause a lot of the Like the holocaust You kinda asked for it

A little bit No not the holocaust But look I'm talking about Like a lot of their holidays Like they gotta eat That shitty bread And like Hey you guys got the same hair Can't we come together On the hair Like the unseasoned soup The filter fish But look, I'm talking about a lot of their holidays, they got to eat that shitty bread. Hey, you guys got the same hair.

Can't we come together on the hair? The unseasoned soup. Gefilte fish, it's disgusting. It is. It's wrong. It's gross. I actually like it. You like gefilte fish? I do.

I don't know why, but I do. Are you a Jew? I wish. Oh. Okay, but yeah, gefilte fish is gross. I like it, but I know I'm in the minority. What about the unleavened bread? Y'all fucking fuck with it?

No, it's bad. But that's the point. It's supposed to be bad. It's for a fucking holiday. You're not going to be the blacks on foot. They get the NBA and they get cuisine. I don't know, Duke. Gefilte fish, fried chicken, it's pretty close.

We don't have any holidays where we suffer on purpose. Right. Right. Interesting. But the Jews have a couple of them where it's like, okay, now you've got to be sad today, and you've got to eat bread that doesn't taste like shit. You know? We don't have that.

The Catholics have that too. Yeah, a lot of guilt. Like no meat on Fridays and stuff. We don't have that. We don't have that. We don't do that. That was in my act 10 years ago. Dude, no, Jon Stewart used to have a great joke

about, like, black people. You know, you have the blues. Jews complain. We just never thought to put it to music. It's true, though. You did stand-up. You did stand-up. That's your blues.

Hey, there you go. No, but a lot of Jews are, like, producers, right? Producers? Huh? A lot of Jews are musicians, right? Oh, yeah. Wait, musician producing producers i don't i think that was some also some tension there where we jews might have not paid r&b picture hesh and the sopranos but multiply it by a shitload what about this what about that uh

that netanyahu guy? The Israeli Prime Minister? No, no, no. The other guy. There's another Netanyahu? Metzenyuhu. Jeff Netanyahu. It's a Jewish musician. The nigga plays flutes. Oh, he's a rapper. Modest Yahoo. I love Modest Yahoo.

That's close. Is he not Jewish? He's a big Jew. He was a Siddic and then came back. This is going to come off real crazy. He came back? He's just like normal Jewish. He's pro-Palestine now.

Oh, he's not Hasidic anymore? He's not Zionist anymore. Wow, really? Yeah, he came back. He's cool. I know, I know. Hey, Allie, how the hell are you? Allie, thanks for coming through.

I hate group podcasts like this. I'm sorry. Because if I try and talk too much, then it becomes really annoying. Right. You know? But then I just, I'm just picturing the comments. Oh, YouTube comments. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck the comments. Talk. So I prefer to just, but then also in an environment like this, I take it too far because I want to be one of the boys Like when you were talking about that Like I had so much stuff going on in my head That I'm like I can't say Say it Rogan helped me get over that

Like doing When I first did his podcast The whole time I was thinking about What people outside the room like what they would think what they would say but it's not good that way you just gotta roll the dice

yeah talk about elk and aliens I feel that same pressure sometimes but now every time I go on a podcast I'm just like the only thing that exists is this shit there you go there's also the fact that they gave us fake mics I know it's a confidence you to live an all-time low. There you go.

You're a big girl. You're on the broadcast with all the boys. Oh, fuck you. We gave you the bootleg Xbox controller. Yeah. Like, what the hell is this? Well, what shows you got tonight? I'm doing Best of the Fest, and then I'm opening for Curtis Conner.

Aha. Old CC. Oh, that YouTube guy. Yes. See? Yeah, he's huge. See Connor. Aha. That YouTube guy. Yes. He's huge. See, they know about the YouTube guy. Is he a comic? I do not know what he does, if I'm being honest.

I know he has 4 million subscribers. Rave reviews. So that's huge. He's been doing comedy for 10 years. Wow. I think he's funny. I think he's funny. I don't know.

We'll see. I'll let you guys know. No, it does not. It might just mean that they are unrealistic. Well, you do keep it in the room. No, I don't even know who we're talking about. It's almost like

somebody going, that dude's gay. And somebody goes, well, he has a wife and kids. That doesn't mean shit. At least for 10 years, you have to have at least some stock lines where it's like he might not be really funny, but he's got something to work with. He has 10 minutes of material.

Yeah. Or he might be hilarious. I'm going to show you a picture of him. You make a judgment call within one second on whether he's funny or not. What's this person's name? Curtis Conner. He's going to destroy us on his platform of 4 million.

Oh, that's not what I pictured at all. Is he a funny stand-up? I'm going to say... Well, hey. But also, I think he's more in the alternative scene. He's doing a different type of comedy. Yes. The vibe he gives me is he...

Ah. Let me see. All right, that's Steph Kolev. No. Sarah Sherman Yeah yeah Would any of us say that the other Person here was funny from a picture Though is that fair

You have a funny face He's the only one you'd say that's so funny I would go I would go you If somebody told me you were a comedian I'd be like I would go you. If somebody told me you were a comedian, I'd be like, I'll go. I prefer humor. What she said to me was not a compliment,

but it still makes me feel pretty good. You have a funny face. I guess that works. That's what I do. Did you mean Jewish? No, you have a very menacing kind of You have a very greedy face Mine

Look like you control the media Alley went from I'm concerned with you and my thing to like full on How much is in your bank I've never been called greedy before by my face. No, I can just tell like we could see you on stage, but like at moments I couldn't hear, but just your face, I'm like

you just look like you should be doing comedy. You know what it is, you always look like you have something to complain about i i do i gotta can i give you guys a peeve please yeah norman and i we do a ton of peeves on here norman and i were having like a very you know had a few drinks in this last night we're having like a hardcore conversation in the street and some guy just walks up to us and goes how old are you guys oh yeah you interrupted a fucking good combo for and we just turned like

we were this old then go back and we're like Our momentum is gone Was he a homeless guy trying to lead into a bitch? No it was a comic It's a weird one A comic that you guys knew? No we didn't know him at all He said how old are you guys?

How old are you guys? That doesn't matter in comedy It's not even interesting. No, because you know, this is what I love about it, too. It's a bizarre thing we all do, and we never really acknowledge it. But if an old man shows up at a, you know, if this is his first year of comedy, you don't respect him like an old man. God, no. Absolutely.

There's no second sense. He's a new jack. It doesn't even matter if he's your father's age. He could have been in the fucking war. If he's an open sport, he better not look me in the eye. He's got a puppet. It's a weird thing the way age doesn't work. It doesn't matter at all.

I'm 40, but I'm in the class of comics that all of them are like 20, 25. Right. Unless you're a young female comic, then you get a lot of respect from sure. You get extra respect. Suddenly you're getting a lot of shows, a lot of stage time. Everyone's asking to write with you.

All your respect is in your tits. She's really respected. With her, you should ask the age. How long have you been doing this? I mean life like how long have you been on this planet yeah well you've been sexually active i did have there was a guy when i first started who was like do you want to write with me and luckily i was like i was young but i was smart enough to know that I wasn't funny at that point. So it didn't even come off as some kind of advance. I was like, how pathetic that he wants me to help him ride.

He's this bad taste. He must be in a bad place where I can help him in some way. His career is not going anywhere. Yeah. Of course. Damn. Did you go? No.

No. I also was living in Long Beach at the time. And he's like, I'll get you an Uber to my place. And I was like, oh, no. I also was living in Long Beach at the time, and he's like, I'll get you an Uber to my place. And I was like, oh, no. I got to get you these ideas. This guy really wants to write. He loves his career. He's a BTK serial killer.

We should write together. We should work on jokes. He showed up, he's like, what's the deal with blowjobs? It's so hard to get. work on jokes. He'd show up, he's like, what's the deal with blowjobs?

It's so hard to get. Yeah. I feel like Mark has gotten some pussy with that line before. Mark, tell them your pickup line. Oh,

my pickup line worked. I'd go up to a girl, I'd go, man, I'll tell you, if I wasn't gay. So now you're non-threatening

because they're like, oh, he's gay. And then they're like, but they're still flattered. And then you're like, ta-, oh, he's gay. But they're still flattered. And then you're like, ta-da, I'm not gay. And then they're flattered that they cured you. I shouldn't have said cured.

Cured was the wrong word. Fixed! Repaired! No! God damn it! Reversed! Made not a sin. She sucked the gay out of you like a snake bite. Yeah, there you go. Do you think Bill Cosby had a pickup line or it was just like...

Oh yeah, can I buy you a drink? And can you go to the bathroom while I do it? He apparently did the assistant would be like, Bill really wants to meet you, Mr. Cosby. He's in this room, whatever. Oh, really? He's like, you ever heard of the Spanish fly before? Wasn't that his thing he bragged about it on larry king really what is he was like yeah he there's it how bad you know you're a rapist you're so powerful you're like

i'm gonna i'm gonna talk about it on tv what did he say on larry king he just said he's like that's what i do i drop it in the drink really yeah oh my. Oh my God, a confession. Yeah. Jesus. And what is Spanish flour? I know what it does, but what is it? I think that's what they used to call the GHB or whatever. That was what they called it in the 70s or 60s. So it was GHB. I think it was the same thing.

Because I think a lot of people would pick it up from Mexico. I'm completely talking out of my ass. I think you're right, though. I think you're right. I do think that there's truth to that. Also, how sweaty are my hands? I went like this just a whole month.

By the way, I love that Mexicans come here for a better life and we're like, I'll go to Mexico to get the roofie, I guess. That could be pretty good, you know?

A better life for some. Or Cosby. How's his life? Or get my wildly unnecessary Brazilian butt lift. Yeah. I feel like that's how every influencer dies.

If you're going to go to another country to get a surgery, you should go to the country it's named after. You don't go to Another country to get a surgery You should go to the country It's named after You don't go to Mexico To get a Brazilian You know what I mean

Well I get a Brazilian wax And a European wax center And European wax center They don't even have them In Europe What's a European wax They just leave all the hair on No you're

Well They don't do anything It's the name of like The chain of wax places. They're called European Wax Center. Oh, it's a chain. Yeah, but they're not in Europe. I feel like Russian women are the best at that, right?

From what I've heard. It's just a lot of women who are kind of down on their luck and don't want to start an OnlyFans. They're like, oh, look at other women's vaginas. No, who's the waxing, though? What's the race of the people? It's just random women. Oh, really?

It's an assortment. I thought it would be like the nail salon. European waxes were like, they'll pay for all the medical bills if something goes wrong. Right, right. Yeah, it's universal health care but for waxing. That's what I like about it. Everyone up here is so fucking confident. I envy it, but it irritates me.

They know they can go to the doctor whenever they want. We're like, I might not get in for four months. You don't need to look both ways when crossing the street in the UK or Canada. You're just like, some people will take me up and give me free healthcare. I'm like, you fucking loser. You know what it is? This is a city full of people that have all come recently. Like somebody made them come.

They out here fucking. They rolling these dice because they know they can go to the doctor. So they all got this little- I want to get hit hit by a car so I'll get to go to the doctor For free Can you also check on my moles too You might have to wait And you might get like the second best shit I've been roofied

Me too Me too in college I cock blocked a roofie person A guy A guy blocked a roofie person a guy a guy tried to a guy roofied you a guy tried to roofie what happened was i was at a college party and a guy handed a girl a drink and she said i'm too drunk and i and i was wasted i was like 19 i was like i'll drink it and he just i remember he looked at me angry and i fucking drank it and i just woke up the next morning like you're here i got fuck yeah i have i used to do a joke about that where

i said i have negative one rapes you know but yeah i mean yeah i got roofie and another dude got roofied with me too i don't i hope none of the women did man how annoyed that fucking rapist must be he's like i've wasted two fucking roofies yeah these random fucking teenagers are drinking my roofied fucking drunken holmer simpson shit we just keep drinking his fucking roofied beer i wonder i wonder if it's kind of like uh open mics like he had to get 10 000 hours beer. He's like, I wish I was gay. I wonder if it's kind of like open mics. Like he had to get 10,000 hours in. He wasn't good at it yet. He bombed that night.

When did you get roofied? I took a Rohippadol. Oh, you took it? You roofied yourself. Do y'all know Jamar Nabors? Yes. So he does like this avant-garde comedy. His, right.

His first album was called America's Nigger. You ever seen it? You ever listened to it? So he has a joke on there. I wouldn't have the confidence to type that title. He has the funniest joke, the funniest roofie joke I've ever heard. But he goes, yeah, I roofied a girl, and I brought her her home and I laid her on my couch and I tucked her in

and I went in my bedroom and I went to sleep. And then I came outside in the morning and she was like, what the fuck happened? Where am I? He was like, yeah, so you at my house.

I roofied you last night but I brought you home and I tucked you in and nothing happened. You got all your clothes on and all this other stuff. So now that you know you could trust me oh it's so good good twist you know I love a joke where you don't know where it's going right not know where it makes you uncomfortable the whole time that's his whole thing his whole man that motherfucker's funny man

yeah he is you ever hear the joke Dwight York you remember that guy yeah he used to have a joke he goes to my girlfriend says the best. Yeah, he is funny. You ever hear the joke, Dwight York? You remember that guy? Yeah. He used to have a joke. He goes, my girlfriend says the best sex we ever had is when I came in through the window wearing a ski mask. I have no idea what she's talking about. That's a good joke. Great joke.

That's a good joke. Man, there's some great shit out there. His name was Dwight York? Yeah. Who is that? I've never heard of him. He's a one-liner. He's a Midwest guy.

All one-liners. He's funny. Oh, is he like Wisconsin or Minnesota? I have heard of Dwight York. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah is that? I've never heard of him. He's a one-liner. He's a Midwest guy. All one-liners. He's also a Man United football player. I have heard of him. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he had a great one about, I'm going to butcher it

because that one was great and I'm going to fuck it up. But he said, if I was homeless, I would just sleep outside a Ticketmaster. You know, meaning like, see.

But, that happens to me every time. Some people don't know. Some people don't because you used to sleep outside Ticketmaster, like get tickets in the morning. Oh, to wait in line for tickets. Okay. Generational gap.

It's an old reference. You got to say like the Apple store now or something? I don't know. Yeah, that's a good question. He had another one. He said, I saw a homeless guy said, we'll work for food. So I threw him a coconut. That's a good joke.

That's great. I'm joke. That's great. I'm back. That's great. I'll get it. Because you've got to work to open that thing. Oh, okay. All right. God damn.

That's a clever joke. I'm so slow. I should not be drinking in the middle of the night. Yeah, no, we shouldn't either. We didn't want to start a drinking podcast, but it did not help our alcoholism. Yeah, that was nothing for you. No, Jesus. Mark and I were like, we'll start a podcast, and it just turned start a drinking podcast, but it did not help our alcoholism. Yeah, that was nothing for you. No, Jesus. Mark and I were like, we'll start a podcast, and it just turned into a drinking podcast.

I've been here for three days, and everyone's been trying to drink with me this whole time. And I've been like, hey, man, I got things to do. I'm not going to drink until after I record. Right. But y'all just ruined it. No, you'll be good. As long as you pace yourself, I think it's good to go into the show

you're doing with the buzz. Disagree. I think you've got to go harder. You've got to fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have three more. Once you veer off the road, you have to steer into the skits.

You need to be doing doubles. You need to be doing more. The only way you'll get through the show is if you get the drunken confidence to believe that you can do anything. I say keep going too fucking hard. That's the only way. My problem isn't confidence

is arrogance i gotta i gotta temper the confidence okay well then let's go whiskey that'll make you sad i'm talking about just when i'm on stage i'm not confident when i'm walking around but when i'm about to walk on stage i i'm napoleon bro really hell yeah i've always said you were pretty sure yeah before i go on the pulley and I start scratching, I'm like. You're going to die alone on an island? No, but I was. Oh, fucking syphilis. Yeah, he died of syphilis alone on an island.

Oh, really? Yeah. They made him be an island in the Atlantic that's in the middle of nowhere. Oh, in quarantine? Yeah, like the last six years. Yeah, he was in a cabin on this island. Yeah. And they're filming on Epstein's Island.

Why didn't they just kill him? What? Why didn't they just kill him well why didn't they just kill because the people would have revolved they fucking loved that cut he he just went tell you what i'm gonna go get all of this land and win all of these battles that we should win because we're friends he won almost every battle you know what he fucked up he fucked russia. Russia. Russia. You don't invade Russia. Bro, the only people that have ever gotten away with it was the Mongols. Sure. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. They're kind of the exception to every. Hitler and Napoleon, though. They fucked up. Hitler and Napoleon both tried to go at Russia. And it's like, and you might beat them or whatever. You might kill a lot of them. But that winter going to come and fuck your shit up.

It's going to take a long time in Russia. We've all had so much fucking alcohol that at three in the morning we all thought we could take Moscow in December. We'll be in Moscow by December. There's no way we won't be. We'll be there before winter. Come on. It's so fucking terrible. I'd always just be like, what the fuck is there? I don't want anything there.

I've performed in Moscow. I've been there. You've been everywhere. I have. You've done everything. Yeah, we did India for the first time earlier this year. Whoa. How's Moscow? How was that? Moscow was really cool.

It was like 3,500 people. And everything you hear about them in our media is obviously that they're all fucking backwards. But in every country you go to, in every city, there are cool people there. The audiences were really fucking sound. They were young. They were liberal. They fucking hated their government. Didn't they say you couldn't say pro-gay shit?

Yeah. Russia said I couldn't do pro-gay shit, but I still did pro-gay shit. And I kissed a bloke while in Russia. Oh, wow. India is the place where they're like, not only can you not insult the government,

you can't say that you cannot insult the government. And while you're on state, and they're like, and by the way, there are government officials in this audience, and they will be there, and they are watching, and it doesn't matter if you're white, you will still go to prison. You'll not die, but you will go to prison for a couple of days, you'll be put on the list.

And you can't have a hamburger, right? Like the cows are sacred? It depends, India's a billion fucking people. It's so big, It's like America. There's states. If you're an Indian comedian, there's parts of the countries you can't perform in because it's a different culture. It's a different race of people.

It's a different language. It's a different fucking sex of the religion. Yeah, we think they're all Indian. There's like a hundred different ethnicities in India. Should Mark and I go to India? Because we've talked about this. A hundred percent. I'll get you the fucking promoters, man.

It is one of the wildest. Should we do a joint India thing? Sure. That would be fun. Sam, don't do that. Do it. Bro, because you, I'm afraid for you. Because I don't know you that well.

Yeah. But I know that there's a piece of you that has to rebel. Like if somebody tells you you can't say. You kind of want to get arrested in India. It's a piece of you that's like, I Like if somebody tells you you can't say... You kind of want to get arrested in India. It's a piece of you that's like, I'm going to say it. And then Mark is not... My damn menacing face. Mark ain't going to talk you back.

He's going to fucking... Do it, do it. Mark's going to open with, I'm gay. Talk about raping Modi, Mark's like. Go for it, go for it. But I'll rape him towards Mecca. To be fair, Delhi's the rape capital of the world. Whoa.

You know what? That doesn't surprise me because I spent a lot of time in chat rooms growing up, and it's always these horny little pesky Indian men who are just so desperate to see something. Wow. And it comes off very rapey. So you're saying New Delhi is the rape capital of the world? There's heaps of fucking rape there.

I had a show which I spoke about rape and sexual assault in and it's very big in India because... So you're saying if rape was in the Olympics... Apparently it's so bad that if you get raped in Delhi you don't go to the police

because the police will just do it. It's a really, really bad thing. Holy shit. You've got to remember, India is so... The population of Delhi is something like 55 million people, right? Yeah. It's 10 times the population of Scotland, the country. And it's their second biggest fucking city.

The crowds are unbelievable. The food is amazing. It it's real big culture shock But it's like if you thought the Brits were racist to Indians, you should see how racist Indians are to India They just they just pass some shit here where because the cast shit is over here, too. So you know how there's a lot of brown people working at Microsoft and Facebook and all that shit? But they're like, hey, motherfucker, I know from your family last name,

I know you're in this cast, so we ain't hiring you. They don't say it like that, but they're like, yo, you this last name? Nah, fuck out of here. You got all the degrees and all that. And so they had to put a stop to that shit or they trying to

but they shit they brought that shit over here like we were some of the shows and I love the shows I do that I cannot wait

to go fucking back I do highly recommend like it's weird it's different it's a culture it's a beautiful you made a lot of Ruples

yeah yeah they it's oh for fuck sake sorry thought they're in Delhi they at the end of the show they click their fingers right when all the staff are out and these 20 people i've not seen not sound techs not security come out in like racks they're all darker skinned and they start

cleaning up all of the chairs and stuff so because me and kyle my support we thank all the staff at every venue we go to regardless so we make a point to like go in and thank these people. And the people we're with are like, oh, don't feed the pigeons. Like what are you doing? But even like trying to, and we're like making the point to engage with them. Even they, when we were like, hey, thank you very much. They were like, whoa, hey, man. Because man, they are poor and you're a white man talking to them.

If you're doing that, that's the worst thing that could happen to them. I like this. They feel like they're in trouble. Oh my God. We've lost that. We should. We should. We don't have that anymore.

We gotta be back. We gotta go to India. We gotta go to India. We gotta be on top again. We gotta stop selling it to them. They'll come. Geez. It'll be like the 1990s all over again.

Y'all don't go over there like, ah, brings me back. Yeah. And you're a Jew. They got a new deli. And a deli too, yeah. You get a brown person scared of you, like, I feel the power of my ancestors.

Colonized. Oh, man. Wow. Did you ever see, did you ever watch any, like, any of their cinema? Oh, the Bollywood. No, but yeah, I just watch the Bollywood.

Because I hate musical shit. So every time I watch an Indian movie, it always starts out as a dope movie and turns into a musical. Right, right. They're all musicals. Did you watch RRR? I watched RRR. RRR was dope.

What? That's a lot of retard. All right, I'm enjoying it. Makes you sound like one of your fans. No, the opening scene of that movie. Or a stuttering pirate. Sound like a dog eating pussy. It's a British,

like the villain of that movie, the opening scene, that guy, he's in a village. And I forget what the fuck he was mad about. But he wanted to discipline one of the Indian what the fuck he was mad about but he wanted to discipline one of the Indian people and he told one of these guys like take care of this and the guy went to go shoot him and he was like you know how much it costs to make

that bullet and ship it from England he's like no beat the fuck out of him don't shoot him he ain't even worth the bullet that type of shit yeah yeah that's cool that's capitalism and then they went into like song and dance. I'm just thinking of the environment. Yeah, yeah.

How green do you want to be? We keep talking about that. A green dictator. But it was a lot of good martial arts and shit, but it was a lot of dance. It's like three hours long. I'm not a fan of that. And for a country that is not that big a fan on the homosexuals, God, they love blokes being best friends, loving each other, holding hands in public. Oh, really?

Dancing together. And you're sure gay marriage is illegal? They're like, yeah. Why wouldn't it be? I'm going to go hold hands with my best friend and have dinner together. Okay, buddy? No hip thrust. We had Veer Das on the pod

and he was in a Bollywood movie. Veer Das? He's the biggest Indian comic. Bro, I feel so bad for that guy. He got fucked. What? He literally got fucked and got in trouble for it? No, no, no.

Why do you feel bad for him? No, just because this was years ago. Government jokes. Yeah, when I first started, it was literally like my first week being a door guy at the comedy store. And he showed up. And he was like, he didn't have his ID. He didn't have his passport, nothing. He was like, I'm this guy.

And I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about, man. He was like like I'm this guy and I'm like I don't know I don't know what you're talking about man he was like I'm the biggest comic in Indy I got more followers than Kevin Hart he showed me all that shit and the manager came over and was like yeah you need to go back to your hotel and get back he was like literally the biggest comic in the world

he really did he showed me I got more followers than Kevin Hart and he showed me and I was like damn I got more followers than Kevin Hart. And he showed me. And I was like, damn, I'm sorry, bro. The manager, I don't know what to do. This is my first day, my first week. I don't know what to tell you. That's like when Bill Burr went to LOL in New York. He went to the LOL club in Times Square.

And they wouldn't let him perform there after he headlined Madison Square Garden that night. He's like, I'm on the wall. And they're like, you're not passed here. You can't do a spot. He's playing the garden. Yeah, they wouldn't let him on. He's not on the wall. Did they not know who he was? No, they didn't know. That makes me

fucking so jealous. How much do you love fucking stand up that you do Madison Square fucking Garden and then walk past a shitty comedy club? The worst worst club in New York. The worst comedy club. I want to jump up. Chris Rock walked into Dangerfield.

That's insane. Chris Rock walked into Dangerfield? Chris Rock walked into Dangerfield, and the door guy was like, and he was like, I'm Chris Rock. And he looked at the, this is how little they cared about stand-up there. He looks at the bartender,

and the bartender's like, all right, fine. Chris Rock, fine. Oh my god. I went to London with Rogan and did the O2 Arena. So we were doing the O2 Arena the next day and I popped in at this place that

I always saw it online. It was like the secret Top secret. And I walked over there because I'd known people that were there last week. They were like, yeah, they'll pop you in over there. So I walked over there and was like, hey, can I pop in over here? And they were like, we, something like that. Oh, good room. And I walked over there because I'd known people that were there last week. They were like, yeah, they'll pop you in over there. So I walked over there. I was like, hey, can I pop in over here? And they were like, we don't do that.

I was like, what do you mean? They were like, yeah, we don't do that here. I was like. Yeah, apparently once they, they can't be fucking shitting for it. Like, Aziz Zazari was over and they didn't let him jump on. Aziz Zazari was over doing some shows and popped into Top Secret. We were like, can I jump on? And the guys were like, no. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't know who you are. They don't know. what happened I see Sinzari was over doing some shows and popped into Top Secret and jumped on and the guys were like

no oh really they don't know so I'm like how is someone running a comedy club over here and they don't know anything about comedy

I know it's weird welcome to London baby welcome to comedy I didn't get mad about it but I did I was irritated but I'm just like you shouldn't be running this

because it's not like a do you know who I am type shit but it's like you should know who I am. I just did the O2. Right. I just did the fucking arena over here and you and you're fucking

clueless. You run like the main comedy club in the city. But you're right. It's to your point. It's like we fucked Giselle and then we're like let me go see what I'll go eat out Kathy Bates. And then Kathy Bates is like, I'm good. Who are you?

I just I just masturbated. It's all clammy. It's done down there. Damn. Misery was on TV the other day. It's such a good fucking movie. People don't look back at this episode of this podcast like that was the end of a lot of careers. One episode just...

No. We can sleep out that fucking Curtis guy. Who's that? Oh, yeah. We maybe shouldn't say his name. Yeah, James, make a note to believe him. We can take it from him. We said he didn't look funny.

Did we say anything bad about him? We said he didn't look funny. He doesn't look funny. But he probably is funny. I bet he is funny. I funny. He doesn't look funny. But he probably is funny. I bet he is funny. I'm not saying he's not funny. I bet he is not. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're going to go on a record and say a YouTuber's funny? I'm just going to say a YouTuber is funny just for my career. When YouTube takes over, I want them to know I love them. Why don't you get Mr. Beast? Can we go in here? Is that a question? I don't know about that. Hold on.

In this conference room, yeah, I bet they have police a W. I bet they have police watching this room right now. They're ready for Jay Walker. Sometimes it's better to ask forgiveness than permission. How the fuck can we cut the brine in a fucking prison like Brittany Briner? In a French prison. He becomes our new Brittany Briner. Oui, oui. I've said it every day I've been here.

I've complained to you about it every fucking day. I will never forgive the fucking Canadians for letting the French put their language first on everything. As if you're a fucking French. Grow up. It's crazy. It's male and female. It's not hommes and femmes. Fuck off.

Put it in smaller writing underneath. Why is the English in smaller? How fucking dare you? Are people greeting dictators? You heard Daniel. There's only two genders. Hommes and what is it? Homs and femmes.

Homs and femmes. Are people like greeting you in French? Yeah. The first thing you say. Okay. Because I wasn't sure if I should take it as a compliment. Like I seem like maybe I could be French passing. Like I look like maybe I have French french features but if it's happening to everyone

i'm like you know i'm like look at my fucking no it's like a law here that is the one positive about this place is like everyone's like effortlessly beautiful because they're not trying to be beautiful you know what i mean that's what that's what make everybody here sexy they're not they're trying. You know somebody with too much makeup, their hair's not overdone, they're not wearing some designer shit. They're just sexy. They're just walking down the street like,

I own this motherfucker. I got free healthcare. Yeah, yeah. Is that your type of woman? Huh? You like French women? I don't know. I guess I do now.

I didn't know that before. They all look like they worked out this morning, too. Yeah, and they all look like they don't care if I notice them. Well, I think it's also like the weather because it's kind of like warm and humid. Everyone's just wearing kind of like a sexy top that looks like it's an indoor, like just at home top that they brought outdoors. A little slightly glazed, like a glossy magazine sheet. How many eyelash extensions have you seen since you've been in Montreal? It's a good point. None. Good point.

Oh, I hang around with some gays, so I've seen a fair few. I'm doing the drag. Why do you hang out with gays? Because they let me say faggot. Yeah, that's the same reason Mark hang out with black people. You let him say faggots?

Man, I'm founding a black guy. Definitely the first time a lot of these words have been said in this conference. Mark said,

you can't call Bill that. Oh, man. What a fucking crying. Fucking Montreal. We're going to have a fun night tonight. We're going to do it up.

This is the best. This is comedy summer camp. It's comedy summer camp. Yeah, this is the only thing that makes it worth it to me. Yes. Because I, you know. Shows are shows. Nothing against Just for Laughs in particular.

I feel the same way about every festival. I think it's just a way to exploit comics that you know whatever but it's also a chance for us to like be around our tribe we don't get a hang like this anymore no there's no hangs because listen when you're back in your own city you're around comics but you're also around the ones that are like bitter and like negative you know what i mean like to be the chance to be around comics that are all like on the upside and the positive and like secure in their careers it's a whole it's a whole different thing even the people that i don't like when i see them here i'm like hey i love that they're cool here yeah i just like being around my own people sure yeah

because you know what it is you do this long enough you you relate more to comics than you do to your own family oh completely you know what are you getting You do this long enough. You relate more to comics than you do to your own family. Oh, completely. You know? What are you getting? Sometimes I'm on the phone with my own mother and I'm like, Jesus. Tell me about it. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I'm like, this is not interesting at all. I've heard this story five times. You ain't punched it up. Yeah. I told my mom. You know? I told my mom I have a special. She goes, how long is it?

I was like, God damn. Right. How long is it? But you around around comedians. This conversation could go on forever. Sam's over there trying to find a point to stop it. Are you the guy who stops it? Is that you?

Do I have to wrap this, you mean? No, are you the guy who's always looking for the time to stop? To wrap up the part? No, I thought, okay, never mind. I thought Brian saw something. Never nevermind I thought I thought Brian saw nevermind no I ruined everything I'm just trying to

I'm just trying to read people it's a great thing about podcasting though how many people you know in comedy I've never had a full conversation with you I'm a fan

but this is great with the pods because you hand somebody a mic and now we're stuck with an hour right you almost become friends through podcasting

I know it's like the first time you meet a friend you interview each other for an hour and then don't see each other for like three weeks and then you're like hey remember we met at work and now we're buddies it's very surreal and everyone heard our conversation yeah the public decided that we were friends so i've now decided to invest in our friendship the public approves of it you know you know that was funny is i think i think it's like it's one of those it's like it's like Jewishness it's like bring it back

no it's like once you meet somebody and you know they're a comic for real like after you talk to them and you can tell they're like really it's like how's this Jewish yeah oh now you're one of us right so you invited to the fucking to eat the shitty bread.

You know what I mean? What's the Jewish potluck? Yeah, yeah. Matzah. Is that what it's called? Matzah, the flat, dry bread. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay.

That's what it's called. Yeah, but instead of wandering the desert, we just wandered through shitty open mics for a while. And you're like, all right, we're here. We made it. We're in Montreal. We did it. The promised land here.

No. You thought somebody would have made an exception. Yeah, right? Or something. Like, if you marry, you can put some butter on it or something. No, you can put butter on it. Oh, you can? Yeah.

You can spice it up. You put horseradish on it? Yeah. I didn't know that. You are? Yeah. Here we go. I didn't know we had this many.

You've been leaving money on the table. You're supposed to fucking leave money. I do love that Jews can be like spies too like she unveils herself well I am half Jewish so it depends on who I'm with we're all playing it up your mom or your dad

my dad's Jewish that doesn't count right they say it doesn't count but we still look we claim who we claim you know what I mean it didn't count to Hitler right wasn't he mom only? Oh, yeah. Didn't he say you had to be a mom?

Yeah, I thought. That's Jew. Yeah, I think so. That's Jew. No, it's because his dad was Jewish. Yeah, because he couldn't be like, they're Jewish, because he would have been. Yeah, exactly. So you're saying I could be Hitler?

You could be. You could have a lot of power one day. This whole time I thought it was Larry David, but now. I assume you have a micro penis. So yes, you could be Hitler. How bad is your arc what oh yeah

yeah right no it's uh this pisses me off man what cause I gotta go to this fucking 5 o'clock rehearsal for this 10 o'clock set

oh true I have a I have a fucking 10.30am call time tomorrow for a 7.30pm fucking gala no

yeah I'm at the same wall yeah we're at the same wall just turn up in my fucking I'm not staying there all day are you in this variety watch I'm doing one of the fucking Peter's ones the comics to watch no no the Russell Peters gala the gala okay yeah we're in the same one okay so I'm not okay

I don't even get up at 7.30 7.30 that's what you just said 7.30 or 10.30 10.30am. 7.30 or 10.30? 10.30. 10.30 a.m. for a 7.30 p.m. show. Oh, yeah.

I don't get up at 10.30. That's silly. No, I'm going to fucking drink until 4 a.m. tonight. What are you talking about 10 a.m.? I don't do nothing before noon. No. Never.

No, I don't schedule nothing before noon. And you know what's funny, too? Your people, your agency, all those people, they'll try to make something like super important and try to be like,

but they're only available at 8 a.m. Then that ain't happening. I became a comic so I wouldn't do things before noon. That's one of the main reasons. That's why I hate when comics do that. Sam, I will be forever grateful. You didn't even hit me up till 1 p.m. This is a last minute thing together.

Mark and I are fucking sloppy. We're not together, but hey. But comics are always like, when I meet a comic, it's like, can you do my podcast? Oh, yeah, sure. Okay, so yeah, we meet at 8.30. That's crazy. Also, I'm not going to be, I mean, I haven't been a great example of it here, but I'm not going to be funny at 8 in the morning.

No. Sometimes I'll have to do like radio interviews and they're, even 11 in the morning, I'm like, I'm not, I'm not. No. You're not there. Those radio interviews are brutal. Pro athletes, do they play even 11 in the morning i'm like i i'm not i'm not no you know the radio interviews are brutal pro athletes do they play at 11 a.m basketball is at 7 30 right you're not up yet let us get up unless they go to europe you know like nfl europe yeah i guess right but yeah you're right but normally not i'm never i'm never ready for it it doesn't work every time a club asks me to do radio, I want to fucking murder somebody.

I know. I know. It's brutal. I'm finally now, I'm getting to the level where I can just say no. You have to talk after living on a prayer just played at this classic rock station. So I heard you went to a wedding last weekend. That was Bon Jovi. Here's Jeffrey Osment.

I was about to do an interview with somebody. All they did was just read your bio. So I'm a huge fan. So it says here's Jeffrey Osment. And he's got to do an interview with somebody that all they did was just read your bio. Yes. So I'm a huge fan. So it says here you're from Chicago. What the fuck? What I'm supposed to go on from here? Do you ever get the cuts that they've,

the only research they've done into whatever your fucking standup is, they've watched a clip of your standup and they will try and set you up for nine-year-old jokes that you've not done. They'll be like, so I heard that your mother caught you masturbating the other day. And you're like, I'm 31. Like, that is from fucking the Paul O'Grady show in 2007.

For some comics, that joke still works. I still live at home. George W. Bush right here. So are you going to go against the war in Iraq? How does that? No, some of those morning shows, you're gonna get into the war in iraq how does that some of those morning shows you're just like these dudes well you guys are legendary for clowning trolling them well the weird thing is if you do everything they don't want it's good you know like oh my publicist loses their shit i remember she booked me on ari melber and they were like they just kept

it's an msnbc show and i'm like why are you booking me on this show? This is gonna be a nightmare. And she's like, it's good. It's good ratings. I'm like, all right. So I'm in the green room and I'm just, they change every topic at the last minute. So I'm like, I'm just going to burn a hole in the room. Fuck this. And then, and then he does the thing where he starts trying to make me look corny.

And I'm like, I'm going to ruin, this is live TV. You're the one who has the career. I'm going to make this uncomfortable. So I just start doing Epstein jokes and they're the one who has the career. Right. I'm going to make this uncomfortable. So I just start doing Epstein jokes, and they're just like mugging the camera like. And I'm just like, I mean, this is, for you, this is, I don't give a shit. You're the one with the credibility. Right, I got fans. I'll never be here again.

Exactly. I know, I just assume. But it's like when they, some of those guys have that thing where they like they can't just let you shine they kind of have to go toe to toe with you and make you look corny and you're just like I fucking hate the radio jockeys when it's like there's some

long-suffering woman who's been in this job for 20 years and she's just been passed to male co-host who was then fired for sexual harassment who was fired for sexual harassment. She's on like her seventh fucking guy and he's just not been caught yet. And he's

just there and he thinks he's funny like you are and he starts putting in these shitty fucking hat jokes and just her dead eyes are like you hate this seven minutes? Try doing it every day for 25 fucking years. They all make jokes about wanting to fuck her and stuff. minutes try doing it every day for 25 fucking years these people who like try to fucking bury you on tv and you're like dude letterman and conan try to make you shine like this is such

small dick energy it's all they got just set the person up to succeed on your show yeah but you know you gotta let people be you know they they're the king of their little kingdom. That's what it is. I ruled weather. In Albuquerque. You don't get to come in here, Mr. Comedian Man. If you knew it was raining, it was because of me. The king of KSTP. I warned everybody I warned everybody

about hurricanes 30 minutes before what the fuck do you do make fun of it that's all they got yeah radio is so fucking sad

it's barely hanging on by a threshold every once in a while you get a good one yeah you get a great one that's true where they shock you I did one in Denver that was great.

Really? Yeah, and then I went upstairs and did one that was awful. There you go. I did a few, but the first guy was fucking awesome. Every once in a while, there's still people that give a shit and take it seriously,

but yeah, when you get the cornball, you're just like, this is like hell. It's like a bad date. It's just like, you're just like, this is a waste of my fucking time.

Right. And then I go to the, because I'm so against it like every time i get talked into it i go to the show and i go who here heard me on the radio and i record it and i send it yeah oh really i love that yeah really because it doesn't work it doesn't work they insist that it works sometimes it works every like i've probably done radio like 100 times. Yeah. And it's worked like three times. And not like drastically.

10 people. I probably sold like 25 tickets. Some cities it pops. I mean, it's some cities like that. It's usually like cities that are still like living in the 80s. Yeah. Like Oxford, Illinois. They're still beholden to the radio DJ there.

I'll do radio in Florida. Like if it's a Florida city, I'll do radio. I did a radio show in Tampa once, and the guy, he's like a shock jock guy, and he goes, you ever just bang a skank? I'm like, that's my lead-in? This is my lead-in? I know that guy.

And I know that skank. This is my kind of show. You're like, I never just bang a skank. I call them afterwards and make sure they're okay. Check up on Facebook. It's like banging me is what made them a skank. I was their rock bottom. Once they fucked me, there was a mush joint.

Mush joint. How's the strike affected y'all? Oh, yeah. Once they fucked me, that was a must join. You know? Must join. Woo! Speaking of which, how's the strike affected y'all? Oh, yeah. It hasn't affected us. I had a show I was working on, but other than that, I mean, like, it's not like I'm a writer. My career was not going well enough to be affected by the strike. I am unaffected by the strike.

I am absolutely going to go to fucking Hollywood in the next six months and be like, I'll cross the picket line. I'll do it. I'll act. What do you want? I'll do any of the fucking acts. It's the only way I'll get employed in Hollywood. You're going to get so many angry

TikToks. Yeah, but he's going to be the new Spider-Man. Yeah. And the new Black Panther. I'm doing it all. I get all the parts. Nobody's doing it. The union's not international. How does it work? Do other countries... They don't care? It doesn't matter, right?

I'm not sure. I'm not an actor. I got luck because Union's not international? How does it work? Do other countries, they don't care? It doesn't matter, right? Okay, it didn't matter. I'm not sure. I'm not an actor. No, but I got luck because I, you know. This is Bollywood's chance. Oh, yeah. Throw some films in America. They'll see it.

They got to have some true crime shit. Yeah, yeah. A true crime musical? Yeah, there we go. Ooh. I'm down for that. Now we're talking. How about that Go Go Beach guy? guy you know that like every it's so

fucked up now the biggest long island guy yeah whenever a murder happens like you know like netflix hulu oh yeah they're all like bidding for who gets the right for a true crime right for sure it's kind of sick yeah gogo beach killer he killed four sex workers recently and they found like 12 or 14 yeah more probably but that's confirmed i think but then uh then there was like a toddler and he was like that one's not mine i do i'm a monster i'm not a people always always target sex workers yeah they're anonymous yeah but also like i feel bad for him but at the same time i'm gonna start here we go no because i'm like bro why are you walking

the street like you can go online with it like well i think i think they're escorts he ordered yeah he orders them yeah no he one of them while his wife was out of town yeah well one of them he met for uh dinner and and he was like talking about the murders with her dinner he took her to dinner yeah he's not that bad mark you're not missing he chews on his with her. He took her to dinner. He took her to dinner, yeah. He's not that bad. Mark, you're not missing. He cheated on his wife. He took her to dinner and he was bragging about the murders to the point that she, like, he didn't say he did it, but he was like, he was talking them up with like his eyes lit up and she was like, fuck, and she like got out of there. So she didn't die.

That would be a weird thing to bring up on a day. What are your interests? Did you see how many times he stabbed that bitch? It was like a world record amount they're saying. They said his cardio must be amazing to have stabbed her that many times. That's a huge car. Why did he take her to dinner? Shouldn't that have been the first suspicion?

I think some of them are probably like, you know, I want to meet you first. I followed my friend. And she, for like a very small period of time put herself on one of those websites where you like pretty much just go to dinner and get money and i i was sitting outside at the restaurant just watching and um it's not it's always just like dudes who are kind of like misogynistic and just like sad where it's like at the end i was following them and and they walked to the car and he was like can i hug you and to imagine like the opposite of that is like they're either really shy and awkward or they're just like murderers

that's so embarrassing i've done that without paying women to go to dinner like can i kiss you on the forehead can you imagine being such a fucking loser that you pay to take a woman out to dinner you pay like i will pay to pay for your food he's married with kids too i have a friend who's uh was doing sex work out in australia she was doing a degree and everything. She only had like two clients, but one of her clients would fly across country to like do her, like type up her university work for her,

cook her dinner, clean her house, everything, and never fucked her, never kissed her, nothing. He just, he would pay for himself to go out there,

be a servant for her for like five fucking days and then go back and that was his fucking kink she was like it's the best she's like I never saw his dick we never fucking kissed like some people are just hella fucking lonely and they don't owe too much his kink is to do all our work for free

that's like those those fin dom people their kink is to to like to be almost broke what if like women yell at them and stuff no no to like

spend money they don't have oh wow they want to be financially abused damn so they want the woman to be like

I need a Gucci bag and he's like I can't really afford it he's like buy it motherfucker just buy it that's a kink that's a kink

they should just do comedy pay pics pay pics pay pics crazy never a poor guy like that I'm sorry bro it's like bro Just buy it. That's a kink? That's a kink. They should just do comedy. Pay pigs. Pay pigs. Pay pigs. Never a poor guy like that. I'm sorry, bro. It's like, bro, you know. I feel like Mark is just using Jew as a punchline in this episode.

This is getting egregious here. I'm trying to get you guys fighting again. There's a silence. He's like, Jew. I'm like, God damn it. I don't love you that much. She's half pissed. Jill, my goddammit.

I don't love you that much. She's half pissed. Shouldn't you be so good? Shouldn't you be an expert at masturbating by this point? Well, it gets old. You've done every trick. No, it don't get old to me. But if you had money to pay a woman to do this stuff, would you do it?

Oh. Because at the end of the day, you pay every woman true true right i mean so yeah like you maybe maybe not maybe not directly but it's like you because because it's weird that people go oh it's legit if i if i talk you into going to dinner and it's like you still paying for dinner well i talk you into going on a vacation you pay for vacation it's this real thin line between whether it's like sex work or just courting. You know what I mean? That's true.

It's the same with sex work and porn. Yeah. If I film this, it's porn. Right. But if I fuck you in a car, I'm a John. This is where we make the Jordan Peterson turn on the podcast. All women are sex workers when you really think about it. all women are sex workers when you really think about it

I think the main difference Brian is between sex work and dating is that they're not fucking other dudes while they're dating you it's the exact same but I just mean ain't no free pussy that's like there's no such thing as a free lunch it's gonna cost you something

it's like the other economic term it might not be money but if you're trying to get laid it's gonna cost you something. It's like the other economic term. It might not be money, but if you're trying to get laid, it's going to cost you something. I don't know. You can get laid for free. Is there free dick? Well, dick's all free. Yeah, I think most dicks are free. They're easy to come by.

No, listen. Dick is like that jar at the fucking club where it's just condoms in it. You know what I mean? Dick is just available in at the fucking club where it's just condoms in it. You know what I mean? It's like dick is just available in abundance. What the fuck? The market value. Oh, but you know what?

They're called gay bars. Oh, right. Or karaoke bars. I guess good dick is never free because as a woman, you pay for yourself to look better to attain that kind of dick. There we go.

Interesting. So you gotta buy makeup and you gotta buy a razor to shave your legs. Interesting. You gotta buy makeup and you gotta buy a razor to shave your legs. Interesting. Yeah, but you're doing all that shit anyway. No, that's gonna cost you your heart being broken.

Now he gets serious. Now everyone starts crying. When have you ever had some amazing dick that's just yours? Oh, like you weren't sharing with another lady. Right. Anybody that's fucking like that is fucking a bunch of people.

Yeah. Yeah. That's how you get that good at fucking. You can't just come out the womb like that. Interesting. Level 10 dick is not yours. I know a guy with a great dick, and he's terrible in bed. Stop talking. All right, sorry, sorry.

It's good to see you again. Y'all are fucking super straight. Yeah, I'm straight. I'm super straight, but when I was single, I would make sure every two years when drunk, I would kiss a plug, just to double-check really I am just staring at him. Right. Sure. And so then I would get drunk and I'd kiss a boobie.

But like, that is not. Well, beautiful people are beautiful people. Yeah. Yeah. You can't. But sometimes you're just like, are you so beautiful? But not in India. I'm like, I'm part of the answers. No.

No, you still do. We've all taken a big poop and been like, if it felt that good. And it's brown. It's brown. And it's brown. Long, hard, and brown. Hollywood. Yo, how are you going to edit this? I'm not editing this.

I think we didn't go too bad. I don't think there was anything that bad. There's a lot of knocks and bangs and the mics. That's all part of the fun. We'll cut out the anti-Semitism. My mic just died. We should wrap it up anyway.

Everyone got some plugs. Brian. I'm BS comedian on socials. My Netflix special will be out at the end of the year. Hell yeah. You got a title?

No, I haven't named it. Anti-Semite. Anti-Semite. No pussies free. No pussies free. All women are sex workers. All women are sex workers. I think tentatively I'm going to call it looking good, but we'll see.

Looking good. I like it. Allie, what do you got coming up? I'm doing some shows. You can follow me at notalliemac. You got a pod? No. Okay. No, you start resting, bitch.

I stopped it. Why? Because it was bad. I agree. All right, so we're going to hear it now. Any road dates or anything you want to play? Not particularly. Alliemacofsky.com slash shows.

Go to the website. What do you got, Dan? Oh, just shit. Daniel Sloss. Google it. Check it. Google Daniel Sloss.com slash shows. Go to the website. What do you got, Dan? Oh, just shit. Daniel Sloss. Google it. Check it. Google Daniel Sloss. Jeffrey Osmus.

My new special on YouTube. The Only Funny White Man. Please watch it. Yes, very funny. Go to whitecomedian.com for my shows. I bought that URL years ago. I own whitecomedian.com. So go there.

That's fucking beautiful. That's hilarious. We've got a lot of dates coming up. You know, Albany, Vermont, Northampton. The Garden. Providence. Yeah. MSG Theater.

Let's go. Chicago Theater. Toronto. Ooh, baby. York. Bethlehem. Cincinnati. Columbus.

India. A ton of shit. Jesus. See you guys on the road. Oh, and Australia just announced. Oh, shit. It'll be all over Australia. Because of you, motherfucker. You talked me into it. And you talked me double into it. So I'll see, and Australia just announced. It'll be all over Australia because of you, motherfucker.

You talked me into it and you talked me double into it. So I'll see you in Australia in November. Tickets on sale. Oh, no, I've also got Netherlands promoters

for you both. Oh, okay. There you go. Let's do it, Mark. Mark Norman's new fucking Netflix special. Hey, specials out. MarkNormanComedy.com

for dates. Get some Bodega Cat for the folks at home. It's online. Oh, yeah, Bodega Cat. Yeah. We couldn't get it here. You want to do a shot of that? I wish we had it.

We don't have any? No, the Canucks won't carry it. We could have snuck it through. We could have gotten it through. Probably. You're the strong one. You're the one who could have fought back. You're the muscle. Did you have to pay for the flight?

no alright we flew him out and put him up plug some gigs oh I had to fly all kinds of gigs Denver you name it it's on the website yeah it's on the website

there you go thanks for listening to We Might Be Drunk Montreal edition but it's on the website. Yeah, it's on the website. BronsonSubsAccomedy.com. There you go. Mark Drummond Comedy. Thanks for listening to We Might Be Drunk. We love you guys. Wooden App, Montreal Edition, JFL, Jus Pour Rire, Fuck the French, Kiss Our Ass. Yeah. Fuck them.

And thank you to James Webb for coming up and doing all this dirty work for us because our producer, Matt Peters, is somehow banned from Canada. Yeah, he ran over a kid in 88. But... Retardé de France. Yeah, he he's a retard a but we love you know the beer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon, and Norman's talking shit about the fucking pump. And I get down in the same way.

Up on the roof like a cop's coming, and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her and I get down in the same way We

might be true