We Might Be Drunk - Ep 141: Joe List - We Might Be Gay (Tuesdays with Drunks)

Episode Date: August 21, 2023

The King of Content returns - Joe List fresh off the release of his THIRD special in 3 years. "Enough For Everybody" Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkE8_bHaXiU Really fun episode with a lot of laughs. Some weird cuts in this one, join us on Patreon for un-edited full episode. Joe List: https://www.comedianjoelist.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Support the show &; take 20% off your purchase at https://www.liquidiv.com with the promo code DRUNK Support the show &; cool down those spicy poops with a bidet from Hello Tushy. Head to https://www.hellotushy.com/DRUNK for 10% off your 1 st order Support the show &; get your tickets with Gametime. Download the app & use code DRUNK for $20 off your 1 st purchase. Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/

Hey, you got a liquid death in there, Sally? In that little cooler? No, I don't get one in the kitchen. He's going, he's going. Sit down. Dang, whatever you got. We're rolling, by the way. Oh, jeez.

You want to start up? Rolling. Rolling, rolling. Shall we? Let's show. Can I eat a cookie on here? You can eat a cookie. Yeah.

Eat a cookie. This is saving my life. Watch the chewing on the mic. See? He sucks you back in. I know. You start to hate him. Just kidding.

Tom Waits. Are we rolling? Here we go. All right, let's do it. Hey, folks. Here we are. We might be drunk. Woo-wee.

We got a hot guest. Going to be back. Joe List, everybody. Hey, I've never heard you say my name. Yeah, it wasn't fun. Gonna be back. Joe List, everybody. Hey, I've never heard you say my name. Yeah, it wasn't fun. It's weird. Whoa. Oh, my God.

That was terrible. Holy hell, sorry. You gotta catch the can. I caught it on the fingers there. Do three taps. Here, throw another one. Mix up any carbonated can, three taps, it won't explode. Is that true?

It's true. Grab it. What do you got? One, two, three. This is water, so it won't explode is that really it's true grab it. What do you got the opposite of my penis to? Three this is water, so it won't explode will it that one's not oh, it's not carbonated. Oh, you're good. Oh, this is iced tea Let's test it throw it again. Let's see are you on camera? All right three tap three solid tap rhythmic taps Probably too slow like this

All right open it up more huh a little jizz there a little laugh and learn so i missed out on the jfk hotel yesterday i hear oh yeah you didn't miss much. Well, you sit in a pool, you drink. May said, is Sam in? And I said, he's out. Furiously out. You know what? I want to be there. I want to be a part of the hang.

But your wife picks the JFK Hotel. It's crazy. The airport hotel? The place we go every week? And the worst airport, by the way. The furthest one. We sat in traffic. It was a beautiful gesture. We had a good time. But the worst airport, by the way. The furthest one. We sat in traffic. It was a beautiful gesture.

We had a good time. But the getting there is a nightmare. Were you cab or train it? I Ubered. I drove. But then I took the LIRR back, which is a nice little hack. It's the limousine service of public transportation in New York. Yeah, definitely.

But we had some beer. Doug Key's out there. Ruby showed up. We had a good group. He ate chicken fingers. We got to go on an old plane. Salakou's bailed. Jason Katz bailed.

Ari bailed. Wait, should we not put this in? This is bad. Yes, cut this out. Oh, jeez. Ari's dead. Sorry, it's a hack. It's Ari died.

So you're literally, you're watching, you're near planes. It's actually a JFK. We're at the airport. And by the way, the pool, first of all. Do you have to go through security? No. I mean, at this point, it seems like maybe you do. I don't know.

May searched me, but that was it. Well, first of all, the pool, it was a great hang and a great day. And I love Mark and May, let's say. Sure. That's what I say too the the pool when i go swim i want to pull like a party i want to run and jump backflip yeah pie pie dive or whatever you call it uh pencil you want to picture stavi baby jumping in cannonball yeah the water's out of the pool but this is like a three foot you sit and talk in the pool, which is fun. But to me, it's like we could sit and talk outside the pool or inside the pool.

It's a great idea. You see the brochure. You go, wow, everybody's having fun. It's like a Heineken commercial. And then you get up there, or you start driving there, and you're like, ah, I'm going to the airport. Ah, this is tough. And I feel guilty because all you guys i'm like their day is gone i i had anxiety the whole time really also a hundred

dollar entry for sarah and i hundred bucks and then parking was 68 bucks oh my god i got chicken tenders those were 35 bucks wow it's a big $300 day it's a it's a lady day well i'm celebrating my next special at the san jose airport and I hope you all can make it. No, it sounds like a pain in the ass. Why don't we just do like a steak dinner or something? Well, I think she wants to do a big thing. That could be a big thing. I agree.

I love a steak. No, it was awesome. But like all things, and this is where I think you got some problems, Sam. Oh, there we go. All things, once you're there, immediately, as soon as you step out of the car into the carpeted hotel and it's beautiful. You go. All that ride is gone. Right.

It's fantastic. The hump. You're in the pool. You get to see Doug Key shirtless. Salicus didn't show. That was a bonus. That is a bonus. And what the hell is that thing?

That is a pomegranate lemonade. You don't know who you're talking to here. Gateway. is a pomegranate lemonade. You don't know who you're talking to here. Gateway. Yeah. Pomegranate lemonade. It's virgin? Yeah. Great.

Both. But pregnant. But it ended up being unbelievably fierce. Can we still toast non-alcoholic? That's delightful. Bad luck. What do you think of this, by the way? It's very good. Tell me when the pet peeve thing happens. That's all I got luck. What do you think of this, by the way? It's very good.

Tell me when the pet peeve thing happens. That's all I got. We can go whenever. It's a loosey-goose. Peeve us. I was just at a hang. I don't want to name names. At a hang.

Seven, eight people. And is this just Boston Irish alcoholic asshole behavior, or are you with me here? Hit me. You always support me. You're a wild card. or are you with me here? Hit me. You always support me.

You're a wild card. There's like seven of us at the table. Two people order drinks, like the same cocktail, one of these bullshits, but with vodka. Okay. And they go like this. Cheers to us. And then they toast.

Do you find it obnoxious for two out of seven people to toast? Because to me, that's like a fucking insult. Insane. You toast everybody. We got the same drink. Right. What am I, an asshole? Cheers to us.

That's a douche city right there. You can't do that. That's like throwing your own party. Yeah. TWA. Okay. Before we even go into that I apologize for not being there Joe is right

I did get an oven delivered yesterday I need to be there for the oven Jews with the ovens God damn it Mark It's not Holocaust related I need a cook I think Joe is right You toast everyone

Except for Salacuse. Everyone else. There you go. Everyone who's important here. Cookie. Well, Salacuse is too busy shaking with that camera hold. Oh, Michael J. Can't help it.

But yeah, I get that. It's a little, you're clicking now. It's a click on a click. Well, you just feel like, what the fuck? Yeah. We're not toast worthy? Right. Toast everybody. And you're uh causing a infighting in the group you guys are over here now yeah you guys are well i don't want to share my story you guys talk right over here right toast to no one

or everyone yes that's thank you good t-shirt that's the whole thing you get up there it's like the pearl jam album you guys have any go-to cheers things, words you say before? Well, it's funny. You have Tom Waits here. Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends. It's a classic. Ooh, he was good.

Yeah. He had a couple. I did one time. I was in a Baltimore Post show, and it was Magoobies at the bar. They had that little, right when they built that whiskey bar. And I, as a joke, go,

to Hitler's good ideas. And it gets a laugh from the people around me, and then there's a skinhead at the end of the bar who goes, he does have good ideas. No. What? And I was like, ah, crap. That really backfired on me. Oh, my God.

Timonium skinheads. What were the good ideas? I don't know. Out of curiosity. Well, the Autobahn. That's not bad. Oh, that was him? Oh, right.

That is. Okay. And the Volkswagen, which is the people's car Volkswagen. Ah. And. Aryan Purity. That is, yeah. Okay. The Volkswagen, which is the people's car Volkswagen. Ah. And? Aryan Purity. There we go. There you go.

The outfits were very good. Hugo Boss. Yeah. Well, they manufactured them. And they didn't have any, they got no blowback for it. It was like a small, he got, I think the Hugo Boss manufacturer got, it was, the kids inherited it years later. And then he just, his fee was not for manufacturing Nazi uniforms, but for slavery.

He was enslaving employees. Oh, wow. Yeah. I just found out that Schwarzenegger's dad was a Nazi. I never knew that. I missed out on that. They gloss over it. And Gibson's dad's a Holocaust denier.

Kirk Gibson? Dodger's great, Kirk Gibson. Who Gibson? What Gibson? Guitar. Oh, Mel, yeah's great, Kirk Gibson. Who Gibson? What Gibson? Guitar. Oh, Mel, yeah. Oh, Mel Gibson. Oh, I thought you were fucking with me.

No, I literally went straight to Kirk Gibson. And then I thought Debbie Gibson. Mel is the third Gibson that comes into my head. I think we're alone now. We're getting put in the oven because we are Jews now. There you go. Not bad. That's a number one.

Wow. I'm not surprised. I mean, it rubbed off. He had those rants. Yeah. Bell. Not Kirk. But Schwarzenegger.

Mel has such a Jewish name, too, right? Mel? Mel Brooks? Mel Blank? Yeah. I don't know about Mel Blank. He was a Jew. Yeah, Mel Blank was Bugs Bunny.

Okay. Boy, Jews had some killer comedy back in the day. They're over now. But like Sid Caesar, that was all Carl Reiner. It's all Jews. Neil Simon. Crazy. Woody Allen.

Mark Twain. I just don't know what Jews are. Chris Rock. Dave Chappelle. Colin Quinn. Yeah, the Jews. How do you not like Jews? Of all the groups.

I know. My hero, Larry David, get out of here. Yeah. Sandman. By the way, Sandler was at the strip the other night. I heard. Yeah. His daughter did a thing.

Really? Yeah, so he brought her up, and he played guitar behind her. Damn, dude. Yeah, the comic strip, that's, I mean mean that was my home club for so long you guys never really did this strip i did for a minute when it was the junior what's his richie junior yeah i had my own show there yeah uh for a little bit yeah i had a time where i was at the strip i used to take the bus from stand-up new york to the comic strip and i always feel like i was hustling when you take the bus across the park yes i am a comic now that's a nice bus too you just go

through central park it's kind of a nice bus, too. You just go through Central Park. It's kind of a nice. Totally. Absolutely. Yeah, you cut through. You go into that little bridge. It's great. And it's Upper Manhattan, which was crust, upper crust.

That club was great. Great club. Yeah, well, it used to be the, when I, I'm 78 years old, and I started 14 years before you. Right. It shows in our level of success. But the strip, when I first started coming down here. We're plugging your fucking special.

Yeah, the special's great. Check it out on YouTube. Let's get a couple thousand views. There you go. I'll wrap it up, take my own life. But I used to come down in like 2000, 2001, 2002 with this guy, Ed Regal. And the strip was the spot. Yeah.

They had the booths and that's where you went. Nobody hung at the cellar. There was like those eight or nine guys would be there, but like all the other comics. And then at one point, they ripped out the booths. They literally were like, we don't want comics hanging out here. And they got rid of free drinks. They took out the booths. Free drinks. And that's what

Gnome is so great at understanding is you have to, the comics are the most important. You have to make the comics want to be there. Remember those Christmas parties? I mean, I was poor. I was some Brooklyn queef, you know there. Remember those Christmas parties? I mean, I was poor. I was some Brooklyn queef, you know, doing the creek and the cave

and then I'd come meet you. Come to the Christmas party. It was spreads of food, buffet style, potluck, fried chicken, lasagna, and then you remember

you saw Angry Bob. You're like, whoa, Angry Bob. There's Eric I. Boy, I'm really rubbing elbows here. And then the free drinks. My God. I mean, I remember and and then at the end,

they would always do like, the most bitter comic would always give a speech. Really? He'd be like, man, this is a historic club. You know, I don't get spots here anymore. And he'd be like, all right. And then I remember, you know, Richie Tinkin, who ran the club, had a vocal problem from cancer.

And I remember Vic Henley did a sketch where he was just like like he would talk like that and i was like this is uncomfortable because i was right next to him i was like do you laugh or probably not oh yeah but it's kind of funny richard diggan famously eddie murphy's first manager and producer of delirious that's right yeah they had they have all the pictures and that's what they would tell you when you were young comic yes see this picture it's me and eddie murphy they left out that he left them 35 years ago right right at the time you were like fuck eddie murphy but i mean i hope it never closes because you know a lot of danger

fields closed and places closed but this place it's a museum i mean it's like seinfeld's first open mic ticket is on there and young sandler and eddie murphy shots are beautiful like that wall i also remember mackie and I were there one night, and there was a guy on the wall, got his name, heavyset guy with a beard, and we're just laughing. We're like, look at that headshot. And we're like, who's this guy?

And the broker, J.R., comes over, and he goes, that is not a comedian. That was the guy who would deliver the cash, and some guy followed him one night and executed him. Wow. And we're like, well, it's still a funny head shot. You got to give us that. Yeah, it's a good head shot.

You know what famous comedian was the bartender there? Colin Quinn. That's right. Oh, yeah? Old CQ was the bartender back in like early 80s. Wow. You know, it's funny. I have one of Rock's old albums, his CD, and it says Funny White Guys, and it's Jerry Seinfeld

and Colin Quinn. Yeah. Funny White Guys. It was a different time. I love that. But yeah, wow, CQ. Going back to the Jews real quick, I was just on vacation with Sarah's family

and Sarah's mom, we were all hanging, she goes, you know, Jewish people, they're just easier to get along with. And we all did spit takes. Everybody at once was like, what? She's like, they're laid back. They're just really easy to get along with. And I just pictured you with the text being like, we're all going to the airport for Mark's hang.

Yeah, he's easy like Sunday morning, this guy. Great hang. You got to open up a little bit. I went on a vacation this year. He went to Greece. Yeah, that was big. Octopi. Yeah.

Right? I do stuff. We hung in Montreal. We had good hangs. We had a great hang. Oh, man. We did a... Sam had me on his show.

He had a big theater show. Oh, yeah. That's not a hang. That's a show. But keep going. Well, we potted all day. We spent the day together. We went to dinner.

Got it. We had dinner. Dinner something. Now we're getting somewhere. Oh, yeah. We got dinner. Joe Beef. We got Joe Beef.

It's like a big Montreal classic. Mark orders a... Mark's looking at my steak. He goes, damn, that looks good. I Beef. We got Joe Beef. It's like a big Montreal classic. Mark orders the fun. Mark's looking at my steak. He goes, damn, that looks good. I'm like, hey, you ordered a halibut at a steak place? I couldn't. I panicked with the menu. I couldn't decide.

It looked good, but it was no steak. Well, I ate some of Joanne's. But either way. You brought a gun to a knife fight. Either way, we go do a Sam show. It's sold out. Great theater. He goes, you want to do 10?

Fun fact. Fun times. You know, when he comes out, people are going nuts. It was great. Because they didn't expect to see Mark. So there's a line there, and people are seeing Mark. And they're like, holy shit, Mark. Super cool.

Ian Lara opened. And then we do a little bumping mics thing at the end. And it was fun. Ian Lara, we're all having a good time. You know, it kind of starts to, all right, we got to wrap this thing up. Brad Williams pops out. It was a gift. And when you can't think of something to all right yeah we gotta wrap this thing up brad williams pops out it was a gift and when you can't think of something to say and a midget comes out with a microphone it is

rejuvenated i mean it's like a gift from the comedy gods two and a half men yeah i did the same joke on tuesdays but whatever they can hear it it's a gift when you're running out of steam and a little person comes out not just just for us, but the audience. No one's not happy to see a little person. No. They walk in and everyone's like, yes. Exactly. Maybe Willy Wonka.

He had some beef with a few of them. By the way, they got rid of the dwarves in Snow White in the new movie. So it's just Snow White? Well, there's one CGI dwarf of Hugh Grant. Really? It took a job away from seven dwarves and they gave it to a CGI? So the dwarves are picketing. They gave it to a handsome leading man?

Yes, who's of average height. Can anybody see the signs? No, no. It's just the top of them out the window. Wow. I know, it's tough. Poor kids. It's a shame, but these midgets, they get no love.

It's the new Willy Wonka. They're not doing the blue ones. They're just doing the white ones. Oh, is it Willy Wonka, not Snow White? Sorry. Thank you. So what's Snow White doing? Well, it's Timothee Chalamet.

He's got to be pretty short to begin with. So you've got to find a really tiny little person. Yeah. Get some children in there. Maybe Veeder. Gary would work. Hey, Mark, what's that joke about midgets being the N-word? Oh,

Mulaney's got that great joke. He's like, he's like, you can't say midget. It's like saying the N-word. He goes, we're saying midget. It's a little different.

And he's like, if you say midget, you're going to have 400 little people running around this building screaming. He goes, you promise?

It's a great bit. That's great. Yeah, yeah. But, just tough to be a little guy bit. That's great. Yeah, yeah. But just tough to be a little guy these days. Peter Dinklage, he got the last role. Yeah, well, Ian Lara on stage after we were arguing over that word, Ian Lara on stage, he described himself as a midget N-word.

Yes. Huge pop in the theater. When I said it, it got nothing. Ian Lara's a sexy guy. He's cute. He's just cute. Adorable. I think sexy, but you can down, it got nothing. Ian Lahr is a sexy guy. He's cute. He's just cute. Adorable. I think sexy, but you can downgrade it to cute. Well, I think he could be both.

I guess. Yeah. He's both. Let's see him. Like kids, he's cute and sexy. Yeah, he's always well kept. He's got a necklace on for some reason. I thought that was Idris Elba, which you're right, he is sexy.

Yeah, he's a beautiful man. He's got style. He likes us. something he does like that's me and him and todd barry oh wow there's a hang look at that i disagree yeah yeah he's a good he opened he killed up top he was great it was funny it was like a bit up there was a black guy a jew and a midget walking to a bar you know walking to a comedy theater that was fun i mean i was not loving the crowd until i brought you guys i mean they were laughing but they were so drunk yeah i was kind of like let me mix this up yeah you had a guy in the front row who was really just annoying as fuck wouldn't stop he did the thing where he didn't he give you a shot? I took one. Yeah, there you go.

Usually that'll stop him if you're like, I'll give you one. But then, yeah, after that point. I mean, I was in Montreal for three days. I was drunk the entire time. I don't know. You got the hell out of there. At one point I turn around, I'm like, where's Sam? And James is like, he got on a flight.

He's like, he's gone. I did one lap around that industry party and I changed my flight from 2 p.m. to 10 a.m. I was like, get me the fuck out of here. Brutal. Literally bookers whose texts I don't answer cornering me. You never get the hang you want. I got Norman for most of the day, but then you get to that party, and it's literally just people cornering you who you're like, fuck, get me out. I know.

Well, that's the problem with parties. You want a, what's that word I'm looking for? A click? A planned hang. At an airport far away? I'm with parties. You want a, what's that word I'm looking for? A click? A planned hang. At an airport far away? Yeah, yeah. You want to be at an airport hotel on a Tuesday.

Right. Which was fantastic. It was fun. Yeah. You want to curate it. A curated hang. You want to curate the hang. Yes. Well, one of the proudest moments of my life was we were at Moon Tower, all hanging out

late. It was like me, Big Jay. Come on. All right. There's another one. Take. Oh, there is? You ate both.

Did I eat both? Yeah, you pig. Are you serious? God almighty. You had a hell of a metabolism. I feel like you eat like shit. No, you hit a cookie. I didn't hit a cookie.

What am I, hiding cookies over here? I didn't eat two chocolate chip cookies. You got to be kidding. Hit a cookie. I'm not that good. Play it back. What am I, a pickpocket? All right, let me take this.

Sounds like a fight like on Lizzo's tour. I'm starving. Where's my damn cookies? I hid it in my vagina. There you go. Hey, all right, I got a morsel.

We got a morsel. I feel like you eat like shit and you're very thin. I do. I run a lot. I do a lot of pushups. I don't have a, I'm not missing discs

from my back at 28. I mean, I do yoga. I'm-ups. I'm not missing discs from my back at 28. I mean, I do yoga. I'm doing stuff. Compact disc. But I eat some shit and some good. There you go. Yeah. Wait, what were we talking about?

I had something. You had something? Curated hang. Hang party bed. Oh, Moon Tower. Moon Tower. We were on Moon Tower. It was me and Ari and Sarah and Chrissy D.

You were there. You didn't come. But we all, everyone, there was a big party. And we were like, the industry party, we're like, we're already hanging. Why don't we go down to the river? Supposedly you came and looked for us at like 1 a.m. I did. I couldn't find you.

But we were like, let's just go down to the river and hang out. People love when you have cookie in your mouth and tell a story. Sure. This is the most Jewish I've ever been been telling a story with food in my mouth portions are very small um so we all went down there we skipped out on the party you had to go ironically you had to go say goodbye to brad williams you're like well brad williams is over there i told him i'd meet him small world and then you're like you're like i'll meet you by the river and we were all like he ain't coming back but we walked around there was like a link later film we

skipped out in the party and just hung with each other and that's why my uh career is where it's at but um i hate the industry the problem these industry parties is i went and i and you i ended up having to get hammered just to deal with it because you walk two feet and somebody goes hey normand i used to manage you in 1985 we did a comedy joint out there in wuhan you're like wait what okay then you're like good to see you and And you get away. And then they go, hey, Norman, what are you doing? We did this. How's your special going?

How's that? And you're like, I can't do it again. I just did the same cookie cutter conversation 12 feet away. And it's always the people. It's like, I managed you. I ripped you off on a bunch of deals. I tried to molest your girlfriend. And you're like, cool.

And you're like, well, it's great to see you. It's great to catch up. Barry Katz was floating around that thing like the Grim Reaper. There's no feet moving. He's just floating through the party. You see that nose and the face, and you're like, ah, Katz is coming. He's like a scarecrow, but for comedians. Yeah.

Well, I'm a comedian. It's because you don't have a relationship with all these people. They're just like, we've got to get you back. Yes. And you're like, oh, I'd love to come back. And they're like, okay. You're like, all right. Yeah, and the worst part of talking to someone is the small talk, and got to get you back. And you're like, oh, I'd love to come back. And they're like, okay. You're like, all right. Yeah, and the worst part

of talking to someone is the small talk and it's just small talk. And then you get away. Small talk. You can never have a real thing. That's why you got to curate. Yeah.

Curate is big. But yeah, and you see your friends over there. And I always feel like everyone else got into a good circle somehow. Yes!

I look over, I see like Chris D., Giannis, and Ian Lara all high-fiving. And they're going like this. Yes. And the other one's like doing that. And I was stuck with, you know, bleepity-blop.

Right. Going, I know, I'd love to come back. I know, wow, the tickets. Yeah, it's hard. But, you know, I'm on Instagram now. Yeah. You want to print out a card that says, like, special's going great. I'm good.

Yeah, I got married. Still in New York. I leave tomorrow. Because they always go, how long are you here until? You know, it's all the same questions. You just want to hand them the card and walk away. Yeah. I feel bad.

They're all going to see this. Wow. No, some of them were good. And we won't say who. Yeah. We'll keep it ambiguous. Because I can't remember. It looks good on you.

Good teacher really seems to care. Nice. So Norman and I did, we had dinner with Ann, Harris, and Joanne. They're great. It was fun. Frosted Flakes. They were great. They get it.

And Ben, also from Netflix. We had a fun dinner. It was a good time. But yeah, I mean, shit, that was. But again, curated. Curated. That was picked out of spot. It's just us. Wait, Frosted Flakes. I said they're great. Oh, I mean, shit, that was... But again, curated. Curated. That was picked out of spot. It's just us.

Wait, Frosted Plagues. I said they're great. Oh, I see. Got it, got it. I should have done there. Yeah, great. Oh, yeah. So it's the great that's accentuated.

It's a couple of R's in there. Right. Like my last school. A couple of R's in there, but yeah. Oh, jeez. But yeah, Montreal was great. And it's nice going back there with a little juice. Like, you're selling out a theater. I was doing some bullshit show for Meta.

That was tough. You had a thing, because I bumped into New Faces, and they're all like Salacues with a camera. They're all shaking in their boots, and they're nervous. They're out of focus. Yeah. So that sucks. I'm catching a lot of strays over here. What's that?

I'm catching a lot of strays over here. Sorry. I'm sorry. They're not strays. They that sucks. Catching a lot of strays over here. Sorry. They're not strays. They're direct. These are direct shots right at you. I'm worried about your mental health. Can I just digress for a second? Put the camera on him.

Do we have a camera on him? Okay. Well, why are you worried? Well, the other day, first of all, we're shooting a sketch at our podcast studio. And I said, this is a crazy question. I're shooting a sketch at our podcast studio. And I said, this is a crazy question. I don't know the address of our studio. Can you give me the address?

And then Sal, because you don't know how to go places. You don't know the address here. You just know how to get here. You know the building. So I wrote, can you give me the address? And he goes, okay, it's 789 Fifth Avenue. But it's not on Fifth Avenue. It's between 2nd and Boo Boo Boo. And then you've got to walk up.

There's an elevator, 17th floor. You take a walk. I'm like, yeah, I know that. I work there. It's between 2nd and Boo Boo Boo. And then you've got to walk up. There's an elevator, 17th floor. You take a walk. I'm like, yeah, I know that. I work there. It's my office. Right, right. And then you show me photos. You're like, these are for your eyes only.

Meanwhile, everyone I've talked to has seen these photos. You're like, these are for your eyes only. Now I feel left out. What the hell are they? They're tasteful nudes of Mark and I blowing each other. How would that be tasteful? Nudes of his child that he shows people. Yes, there you go.

He's like, yeah, your eyes only, don't show anybody. And then like 10 hours later, I get a text, your eyes only, don't show anybody. I'm like, have you gone mental? You showed these to me yesterday. What kind of photos are these? We did a photo shoot together. It's coming out next month. And I didn't want to scoop the magazine by getting it out there.

I'd show you. But they're beautiful. But it was just like the same photo and sentence two days in a row. I'm like, we had this talk. Are you okay? Well, actually, no. Oh, Jesus. Is this going to get serious? No, no, it's not serious. Oh, God. I would have felt horrible if you just

came out with Alzheimer's. You had jury duty? I had jury duty today. I thought you were going to say you're dying. What the fuck? Jury duty is pretty bad. Yeah. So I'm trying to figure out how to get out of it. I've been unhinged, so I wore this shirt. New Jack City?

My New Jack City shirt. Racist. What are you doing? No, no. I was like, no, this is like shows that I'm. This guy likes Wesley Snipes. Get him out of here. Yeah.

I'm pro-crime that I'm like rooting for the bad guy. Yeah. I thought I'd send a subtle message. Nobody got it. You're giving too much credit to these people.

You know what the fucking clientele think you're doing? Well, the government people. You know, they're not going to sit there and read your shirt. You know,

some guy's got no fat chicks. He's walking in. He's going to do a whole murder case. You're fine. All right. You jack city. I worry about you.

Why are you so stressed? Well, jury duty stressed me out because I have the pot. I've got two shoots this week, and I didn't want to sit in a jury and miss this and that. Well, we're glad to have you, and he gave you cookies. Yeah, I'm thrilled about the cookies. I'm not worried about you being an asshole. I'm worried about your brain being mush.

You got my head because I've been taking these weed gummies, and they help me sleep. I sleep like a baby. I finally found a cure for sleep. And then Salacuse is like, you got to stop taking those. It'll kill your recall. What? And I was like, oh, my recall is a little.

Wait, so you gave him drugs and then told him not to take the drugs? I take them from fans. You got to stop doing that. I stopped. But he's talking about the recall thing. And you want to be a comedian. You want to work on your act. All you is your brain that's all i got yeah so i dropped him but i'm not sleeping well again you should give me your girlfriend you know your wife

yeah that was my attempt at a joke there she'll stop bringing shit up all right never mind oh yeah that's a good point yeah she'll forget everything your forgetfulness is more running around which that was also fun with the hang by the way because i'm like texting everyone like you go into the hang like no mark's podcasting on tuesday and i had to be like well i don't know about that with three different people everyone's like we're going to the twa like let's do a different hang let's do like a steakhouse or a you know we don't even have to hang but we don't do it for me let's just hang to hang that's what i mean i want to set up a hang he may not show i can't have it on me.

Was any part of you annoyed that you had to go all the way out for the hang? Of course. Every part. Every part, yeah. If I wasn't married. Did you scold her for it? I gave her a little shit in the cab on the way there, and I could see it was hurting her, and I pulled back. She's like, we're throwing a party for you.

You take out your credit card, $120 cab. Thanks. I slid him valet money. I felt so guilty. I was like, we're throwing a party for you. You take out your credit card, $120 cab. Thanks. I slid him valet money. I felt so guilty. I was like, take this cash. Yeah, let me know when you hit that cover charge money. Oh, I got you. She was supposed to Venmo you. I don't know what to say. Mostly your money?

No, it's her money. It's her money. Well, this is getting weird. I know. Now we're just attacking. She did a nice thing. Now we're just attacking a woman here. Yes, yes. Attacking a woman. And it was fantastic. You two fucking dorks didn't show. He was busy coming up with t-shirt ideas for jury duty.

We're all busy, you know? The hang was killer. Airbrushing over here. Great fun. Although I did think we were going to the Hamptons for a couple days, but whatever. Really? He laid out his shirts. Boys in the Hood. New Jack City. One of these is going to the Hamptons for a couple days, but whatever. Really? He laid out his shirts, boys in the hood, New Jack City.

One of these is going to work. I swear to God. White chicks. Whatever you got. No, who's the hang? I want to see you hanging out more. Let's hang. I'm sorry.

I never see you. But here's the problem. If he was there, he wouldn't enjoy it. It's hard for me to travel. You could have bounced bits if you wanted. Yeah, you could write that off. We used to go to John's Pizza. We used to go to like John's Pizza. We used to do stuff.

We did a hang recently. We set it up. I set it up. We ended up going to, what's it called? East Village. That was like a couple months ago. Was I there? Yeah, it was the three of us.

Where'd we go? I was there too. I mean, I'm worried about everybody's mental health. Well, tell me where we went. Where'd we go? We tried to go to fucking whatever place, and it was closed. Remember, it was raining. We went to Smith's.

Smith's. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. All right. Yeah, we did that. Yeah, we went there. We did that. Yeah, we got to do that more.

We wanted to do steak, and you were like, I can't eat a steak at noon or whatever bullshit. I'm a nighttime steak eater. Yeah, all right. Well. I like a cold lunch. I was like, hey. I was like, boys, we're doing pretty well now. We're pretty successful. Let's go get some steaks.

And you were like, eh, I want to go to a deli. I'm like, all right. I like a good Jewish deli lunch. I like a Jewish deli. Let's do more hangs. I'm open to the more hangs. There we go. More hangs.

I'm having a kid soon, so that'll really spice up our hangs. Yes, bring the fetus. I'll be a lot more available to hang out once I have this baby. That's how it usually works. Alright, perfect. Well, he makes it work. You haven't seen your child in weeks. Yeah. His kid's like 17 or 18, right?

He's 8. Whatever. Is he available? He's got a girlfriend, right? No. A boyfriend? Alright, we'll move on you like being a father oh it's amazing yeah really yeah i had a crazy experience with him on sunday i was walking back from the library and uh this uh guy was shirtless and talking to the cops and uh burke kreischer and the cops were like left him alone and he looks at me he's like you know

what god bless you and your son i was like oh thanks and i was like what was it with the cops he was like they were checking on me i was like okay you're all right and he's like you know i was pretty bad yesterday you know i was gonna kill myself and that's what we go was in rough shape i was gonna kill myself and i was like well i'm glad you know you settled it and he was like yeah you know you and your son, God bless you guys. I don't have any relationship with my father. Hey, here it comes. It was never too late.

And he was like, no, no, no. My father tried to slit my mother's throat. Ooh, spicy. Yeah. Yikes. And I was like, all right, we can turn around with him, but you can get your life better in a good place. And he was like, all right, man, God bless you. And I walked away, and Charlie looks at me.

He's like, I don't like it when you talk to people. Wow, that would be me. I'm like, what are you, crazy? Yeah, smart kid. You're a native New Yorker. You engage in that long a conversation with a shirtless guy getting arrested? Well, he had his Fisher Saint t-shirt on, so the guy was very friendly to him. What the hell?

That's one where you say, thank you you keep going right yeah well matt loves to talk to crazy we went out shooting photography one time and i'm like he's like i want to shoot photos of buildings and plants and bushes and whatever and he's like no we're gonna shoot people and i'm like i can't shoot that's crazy they're gonna kill us and he goes no it's no problem i've never had an issue at all and i'm'm like, okay, if you say so. And then he goes, and hold on to this. And he hands me a can of mace. He's like, you need to have this.

I'm like, what happened to nobody gives a shit? And by the way, I'm getting a costume without a camera. Right. And he's got a knife on him already. So he's good. You're not using that knife. I have it. I mean, it's here.

But are you really going to stab someone? He has to. He has to. I mean, it's here. But are you really going to stab someone? When the court case comes around? He has to. He'll use it. No, I think it's just a good way to get people to move backwards. There you go. Yeah, but what if they don't move backwards? Then I'm in a knife fight.

Yeah. But you're also introducing a weapon into the fight. But he's the victim. You've got to be the victim when the guy takes the knife from you. Well, it's pretty hard to get close to me with a knife. If I have a knife, you're not going to get close, right? Especially if you're wearing your Crocodile Dundee shirt. You gotta wear a Screen 2 shirt.

You know, hold that knife up. Yeah, there you go. Psycho. Yeah. Reep, reep, reep. All right. You know what I saw in the theater two days ago at Film Forum? One of the best movies ever.

Double Indemnity. Have you seen that? Of course. Fucking so cool to see on the big screen Film Forum that's a wreck go to the Film Forum keep that place going

Film Forum's awesome yeah great spot Billy Wilder Fest at the Film Forum so they're showing all his shit I love the Film Forum

we went and saw I saw Goodfellas there and then I saw what the hell's it called Blue Collar you know that movie? I've never seen it it's's Paul Schrader, right? Paul Schrader. It's Richard Pryor and Harvey Keitel

and everything. They hated each other. You saw it there? Yeah. Oh, no kidding. How about that? Did we talk about this? No. Oh, wow. Wow, you guys got linked up? Yeah. How about that? Let's start with Isabel Hagen. That's a good group.

He was too busy cutting somebody up. Alright. Well, that's a good group. Good group. He was too busy cutting somebody up. All right. Well, that's it, guys. We're going to run. Any more cookies? All right. Do you guys want to do more peeves or a news story? Oh, yeah.

You got a peeve? I don't think you did yours. Oh, jeez. Give me a second to come up with a peeve. I got something for sure. I had one yesterday. Joey, working on any bits? I had another peeve that i forgot about is this

anything as a as a peeve i i had a you know these this twa you get a uh there's a limited amount of deck chairs or what do you call those like tanning chairs you know those things and they're going fast so i threw a towel on one just to preserve it so i got one i got a towel on one the lady's got a towel on hers and i jump in the pool you get out the wind is kicking up so i grab my towel i put it over me to dry off a little bit i hit the bar and i come back as a guy on my seat and i go hey whoa that's my seat and he goes there was nothing on it and i go i've been i've been laying there and he's like there's nothing on it so now we we're in a Mexican standoff. Now what do you do here?

Did you see right? Did you have nothing on it? I had all my shit right next to it. But nothing on it. I think you've got to put stuff on it. But next to it, how close next to it are we talking? Directly. Direct next.

If this is the seat, all my shit was right there. I think that's your seat. Okay. But I was there, and that bartender was awfully slow. How long are you at the bar for? Seven minutes. Seven minutes? And the lady's next to the... She's in her seat.

So now he's next to the lady. She didn't say anything to... She was drunk. Passed out. She's a black girl. She said, hey, it's 50 bucks a person for this party. They're dating now.

I've heard that guy. But yeah, I got the seat. I pushed and I got the seat, but it wasn't pretty. Yeah, it's tricky. I just want to digress for a moment. It reminds me of,

I want to come back around. I don't want to just be like, enough of that. But it's similar to the people at Starbucks. Do you think you have to go, or coffee shop, do you have to go get your coffee before you claim a seat? Or can you claim a seat and then go get the coffee? Because people are divided on that.

I think it's very similar. The age-old question. Because you have the seat. You left it, but seven minutes. That part of it is slow. If you're there alone, you've got to get the coffee. But if you're there alone you got to get the coffee but but you're there with another person they oh that's pretty good right but some people are even against that hmm yeah seat saving is a real prickly subject it's tricky new york's a nightmare

but how many seats were available outside of that seat two okay and he was. And he was with a wife. I wonder if he was trying to put the moves on your lady. Yeah, well, she gives out that vibe that she's available. So it's tough. But yeah, I got the seat. But it was a fight.

Yeah, I can see both sides. I want to be on your side because you always get my back there. I appreciate it. So whichever side you're presenting, I'll be on. All right, I'd like an honest answer. Whatever you really think. Gone seven minutes, nothing on the seat.

That's a tough... But the girlfriend's right there, but maybe you thought it was her stuff. True. True. Yeah, and they're married. True. You missed it. She could have piped up. I guess. Man, she's really screwing up this day huh my god i know i almost oh this is a good oh here we go is this free matt

all right we're getting the hang of it i can't wait anymore but we'll take these seats well would you please remove your stuff We're getting the hang of it So sexy She's got a point Who? Elaine Okay So you're with me Yeah yeah yeah

They're taken But Elaine spoke up Unlike my But also Benedict Arnold Who are these people Who are these people That walk up to a seat They're taken. But Elaine spoke up. Unlike my fucking... Also... Benedict Arnold. Who are these people that walk up to a seat and someone says, hey, that's my seat, and they go, no, it's not.

I would be like, oh, jeez, all right. That's what I would think, too. I would do the same thing. Wait, but he's already seated in it. Yeah. When you get back. This is actually a tricky piece. It's a tricky one.

He had a butt cheek on it. He was getting ready to get comfortable. Oh, so you caught him in motion? Yes. he was had like this is actually a tricky it's a tricky one he had a butt cheek on it he was like getting ready to to get comfortable oh so you caught him in motion yes i went his fucking taint hit it and then he got a big guy older i couldn't take him big bigger than me but older do you have a knife what was his t-shirt he had mace but yeah he got up i think i scared him a little i think if you catch him in the motion that's fair all right we got motion before before he once he gets settled and he's in there like but if you catch him in the motion well this goes back to the reclining on a plane fight this this is divided nations yeah where do you stand

on that i say the seat reclines i'm reclining i get i use the options the seat gives me if the airline says it reclines and i'm reclining i always check i just i just hate myself so it's a person behind me is like sound asleep or little or small i'll lean back but the it sucks to watch the tv with the seat all the way lean back i hate when people lean back so i don't mind being upright you know i don't want to break up the party but we tend to be in first class these days so there's a little more room so i don't mind moving back as much but in like the coach horse i would never move back never no that two inches really goes a long way it's tough uh and sometimes you

get that guy who's aggressively hitting and you just put your hot coffee down yeah that's tough you get the guy who's like yeah jesus christ i know now the coffee's spilling and i'm bothered by the person that leans back but i don't hate it's their right so it's i'm just like okay yeah you do that you can't be like this you you piece of shit, especially on really long flights. Yeah, yeah. In Australia, it's a no-go. You lean back, that's like fighting words. Oh, really?

Yeah, and I didn't know that. And I leaned back, and the lady behind me went, excuse me, excuse me, what are you doing? And I was like, oh, I'm leaning back, and she heard my accent. She was like, we don't do that here. And I was like, oh, and I fucking put that thing right back up. Wow. Yeah, it was. I'm going there in November. I'm nervous. Don't lean back. Yeah. But I was in coach. You can right back up. Wow. Yeah, it was... I'm going there in November.

I'm nervous. Don't lean back. Yeah. But I was in coach. You can lean back in first class. You went coached in Australia? Well, we're bouncing around Australia, so it's like from Perth to Sydney.

It was like a two-hour flight or whatever. Oh, okay. You didn't go... You definitely didn't go coached the long way. I went coached on the way back. What? Yeah, it wasn't pretty. Why'd you do that?

That's all that was available. Did they give you money for that? Huh? I booked it too late. jesus i sucked it up but the way there i had to lie down so i had it pretty sitting pretty on the way up and death on the way back it's a long fucking flight it's very long 11 hours of your life and you save probably three grand that's i mean that's three grand you could spend on steak dinners or TWA parties or whatever. Pretty good.

You know how you're always buying steak dinners? Well, I tried, but we went to a deli. But, let me say this. We went on,

me and a bunch of comics were on a gig. All the flights got canceled and they said, we got you new flights, but there's no first class. And a couple people said,'ll wait and they waited a

full day i talked to one of those people okay i don't want to call i don't want to give it away but i giving up a whole day in the in some weird town i i think it's better just do the five hours of uncomfortably well if you're very very funny and fat and jolly and of long hair it's probably nice to wait yeah a whole day single yeah and greek but yeah yeah it was the honest um yeah it was interesting a whole day it's no it's a choice do i want a day in what was it seattle yeah like outskirts of seattle you know outskirts is rough in a weird little town. Downtown Seattle is cool. You got that farmer's market. I have the complete reverse opinion.

Really? Downtown Seattle is a complete nightmare. It's the scariest place on earth. The farmer's market is killer. Outside of Seattle is wonderful. They're throwing the fish. I love that. Oh, yeah, yeah.

The Pike place. Oh, yeah, Pike. Yeah, that's great. But there's a lot of riffraff-y insanity down there. Oh, yeah. You go to West Seattle, Gig Harbor. Spectacular. I'm a city hick, man.

I like the downtown. But yeah. I invented that term. Who did? I did. You invented it? Yes, on that trip. Really?

Is that right? I thought you knew this. What are you kidding? I thought that was a term. How am I not getting credited? Is that not a term? Look up. I never heard it.

Google city hick. I came up with it on that trip. When we were in Vancouver? No, not Vancouver. When we went to fucking wherever you told me you couldn't drive. Literally, you said I'm only good at turns. No, I said I'm not good at turns. It's in the Urban Dictionary already.

It came from me. It stemmed. Give me a year. Give me a name. 2006. All right. When was that gig? 08?

Right there. Right after. No, it was a while later. City Hicks can often be found home drinking alone or listening to George Thurgood. Wow, they nailed you, buddy. What? They got you, buddy. I guess I'm a City Hick.

George Thurgood. What's his hit? Who do you love? Okay. Bad to the bone. With a bottle of whiskey. Look at that. I'm willing to admit somebody was saying this before,

but I didn't read this goddamn thing. You can play a little Hootie Love. Hold on. I got you. What is that, a jellyfish? No, these are fake boobies, dude. Oh, nice. Throw them on.

Let them play with it. I've played with one before. There you go. I don't care for this. Are we allowed to use any of this? Oh, that would be... Oh, come on. We got to be able to get that in.

You got a good voice. We're just like, man, this is really good. Yeah. Well, since we can't use it, we can't use this either. There you go. I prefer to be by myself. Oh, yeah. Yeah, thorough good rules.

Can you pull up this Lizzo story? Because this is like... She's in deep shit, right? I heard she was fat shaming, which is fun. Today's episode is brought to you by Liquid IV. It's hard to remember to drink water. So hard, in fact, that there's a whole side of TikTok where people are showing off their weird water concoctions, where they mix in syrups and sugar so it tastes good enough to drink.

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Here, yeah, it's true. Yeah, we'll pull the article oh shit you know she's vegan is she yeah fun fact that can't be true look at well think about vegan this is the thing about vegan people think of vegans as thin you can eat french fries all day long like chocolate not chocolate but whatever your candy you You can eat fucking... Sweet tarts. Yeah, pop tarts and sweet tarts and french fries and... Yep. Hitler was a vegan. Hitler was a vegan?

Come on, that can't be true. Yeah, that's true. Not a smoker. Wow. Woody Allen, I think, vegan. He has all these tits. At least in the movies he is. All right, so Lizzo has been sued by three former dancers

who claim they were subjected to a hostile work environment and harassment. I know how it feels. While they were members of the Grammy winner's dance team. The complaint filed in Los Angeles Superior Court Tuesday and obtained by CNN through attorneys. I'll just sum it up. So she went to a sex club in amsterdam where they like perform sex acts no but she forced forced she pressured her dancers into doing stuff like eating a banana banana out of a snatch nice well were any of them cramping up on stage after that because that

sounds like the potassium could help yeah you know ellen's loving this she's like thank god i never touched a banana i threw a couple cups of coffee on an intern but no banana in the clam is she an actual shit for this or is this just gonna blow over it's a lawsuit so she's gonna have to three be deposed three different people another plaintiff claims that her uh commitment to her role as a dance team was questioned by the singer who expressed thinly veiled concerns about the plaintiff's weight gain. So she's fat shaming other dancers. Well, she probably only wants to be the only porker out there. You can't have another...

Is that a legal term? Well, you know what I mean. She doesn't want another Chabette on the dance team. You're not making it better. But also, let's keep it like, before we jump to all this, we're reading a summation on CNN.com. This totally could have been her being like, oh, you got a little whatever.

Oh, ah. But it seems like a lot of people all at once. It's not like one person got fired and then they're turning on them. This is multiple people coming forward. Well, I'm not saying she's not a nightmare. I don't know this woman from Adam. I mean, look, if you're a dancer and she's like pressuring you to go to a club you don't want to go to, you know,

but I feel like she's going to kick me off the tour or something, I don't know, that could suck. Well, maybe they feel bad. They feel obligated, like, I don't want everyone mad at me, so I've got to go to this pool by the airport. You just have to do it. I appreciate eating that banana. But yeah, no, I think if you're this big, it's like Ellen.

You're huge. You have a ton of staff, and you start to kind of make demands, and eventually they retaliate. Yeah. Like Sam. So yeah, that's tough, man. Yeah. And it's not when she goes, hey, you're getting fat there, dancer. The dancer can't go, look who's talking, because she's the boss. Yeah. Position of power. But you were saying she has dancer the dancer can't go look who's talking because you know she's uh she's the boss yeah position of power but she has you were saying she has fat

dancers weren't you no i'm saying she wants to be the only fat lady on the stage oh really that's my theory oh she does have fat black dancers we heard what you said yeah that was a real freudian slip there what do you say we have fat black fat back up. Fat to black. Oh, I didn't know that was a mistake. All right, wait. Pull up some of the other biggins back there. Oh, okay. Wow, good for her sharing the stage with others.

They do not look like they're eating primarily bananas. No. Also, this crew with the stage reinforcement. We got to give them a shout out. I mean, that's a lot of beams. Looks like the Royal Rumble out there. Jesus. Yeah, that is a heavy stage.

They have to take separate elevators down to the stage, I think. I don't know, Lizzo. She sings. She's a singy person. She's good. Her songs are pretty good, I think. I love her. Yeah, I'm a huge fan. Very talented. She's a flautist. What's that?

She eats a lot of flautas. No. Flautas. She flutes. A flutist? No, it's actually flautist. Flautist? Thank you.

Ari put me on... I thought that was a disease. Put her on our radar. Ari, years ago, was like, I saw this woman at a music fest, and she's amazing, and it was Lizzo. All right. Cut that. Definitely cut that. Cut that cut that she'll

fucking sit on me um there's gonna be so many odd cuts in this i know i gotta stop playing with this tit it's uh it's hard to play right you know who you know who sent us this tit matt uh trey parker from south park's wife wow yeah she's a surgeon got it got it women can't be served this is dynamite this cocktail very good he's a pro nice all right wow lizzo that's uh it's gonna get ugly are there any other uh oh you guys big peewee herman fans oh i love peewee i love that movie when i was a guy i was terrified of it but um i liked the show but i I was a little young for Pee Wee. Like, my sister and my uncle, they were, like, so into it.

I watched the movie a lot. I was afraid of, was it Big Bertha? Large Marge? Large Marge, yeah. I always called it Big Bertha. I was always terrified. But I always remembered the tequila scene. But I have to be perfectly honest.

When I was a kid, I didn't totally get it. I was like, I thought he talked weird. But I watched it a lot. kid i didn't totally get it yeah i was like i thought he talked weird but i watched it a lot but i wasn't huge into it i think i was the thing that shocked me i thought he was like gen x he was 70 years old don't you think of him as being more like you know i mean it's hard to tell his age here and the show is out in the early 80s so yeah he's pretty old he's also in in Blues Brothers, by the way. Oh, yeah? He's in a great episode of Dirty Rock, too.

He did a ton of... He's in Blow. He's great in Blow. Oh, that's right. Derek for real. It's also weird to think back on, there he is, how much the little girl, I want to buy your women. It's hard to think, like, look back on that.

He just lived in that character. Like, he's just a comedian who just stayed in character. It's like to look back on that. He just lived in that character. He's just a comedian who just stayed in character. It's like Dice. For years. Yeah. Or Theo. But so much more of a character than Dice. Yeah, yeah. But I used to love the show, Pee-Wee's Playhouse.

That show was wild. There was nothing like it. It was so original and weird. So we're glossing over the controversy of him getting caught in a porn theater well ronan's got the great bit about great bit which he reposted ronan hershberg is a bit being like we we got mad at him for doing what you're supposed to do in an adult movie theater i mean that was that's a bit but uh yeah i believe fred willard too yeah who had my favorite tweet of all time what he did fred willard was like the funniest person ever we got to meet him yeah cool guy in omaha he got

caught masturbating in a theater and then the next day he just tweeted merry christmas so perfect damn so perfectly uh stated but yeah peewee got yeah he jerked off whatever that was a huge controversy back then that was massive but what what was was it because he was a kid star or what i mean what is it that's what it was the kid star it's like when ellen is mean she's supposed to be this nice dancey lady so when they go the other way that's when they get yeah i guess if barney the purple dinosaur was rubbing one out next to you in a seat exactly even if you're rubbing one out you'd be like fucking barney yeah that's a big eggplant. Yeah.

A lot of purple. But yeah, I thought everybody jerked off in a porn theater. Also, why are you going to a porn theater? It was a long time ago. I think it was the 90s. It was pre-internet. Yeah, it was hard to see porn. Yeah, that's where you went.

But I had VHS in the 90s. I don't know. If I was a celebrity, I'm not going to a porn theater. That's all I'm saying. Maybe there's a thrill to it. That's probably what it is. It's got to be some of that. Because we had those orange tapes or a blue tape.

Remember, they were always colored. How did he get busted? Who busted him? Yeah, I don't understand. Probably a sting, I guess. A sting? Well, a sting was there? I remember one of the jokes.

What a terrible cop to be. Everybody move in. He's whacking it. Go fast before he finishes. one of the jokes i remember from being a kid was what's his favorite baseball team the expose oh and i remember not really thinking it was a great joke but when you're a kid you hear a joke you're like great i have a joke to tell yes you tell any joke we walked around telling joke you got any good you got any good jokes that was the thing that dude said yeah no one tells jokes anymore no my dad would always have one locked and loaded

well this was huge yeah so 91 it happened heard good jokes late i was nine perfect well this is his first thing appearance after the jerk off thing oh it happened in 1990 91 wow i thought it was like 98 no because he was kinda at Uh oh Was it really in 1991? Yeah Cause this was shortly after It was almost like The Hugh Grant

Tonight Show Right It was at the height of it That saved the Tonight Show Brought it to number one Yeah His first appearance Back from that

They love him Oh this is Arsenio Who who who Ah Oh wow The music awards Which actually used to be a thing Now no one gives a shit It was huge Huge Oh, this is Arsenio Who, who, who Oh, wow The music awards Which actually used to be a thing Now no one gives a shit

It was huge Huge I mean, what an ovation This must have felt great Almost as good as coming This brings me back I love Pee-wee That was him for Halloween

A couple times. Oh, that's poor guy. Pee-wee. I feel like he must... It's hard to... He must get emotional, but he's in character. He also probably was like, let me just get my dumb joke out. It's like a mosh pit down there.

Paul Rubens. I got to say, the applause fucked up his thing. Totally, totally. It really ruined his timing. Also fucked up the show. You guys, this is going to get a little deep and maybe cheesy, but I'm so jealous of these guys, like a Paul Rubens or even Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler can be like, doobie doo, doobie doo, or Jim Carrey can just go all in.

I can't do that. I don't have the vulnerability. I'm not strong enough. Yeah, comedy. That's as far as I can go. I just say the profession I'm doing. Yeah. But I could never be that vulnerable.

You're the physical comedians in your stand-up more. I guess. I just hear my friends going, what are you doing? What the hell is this? Stop acting weird. I don't know. Whenever I see someone like Nick Vatterot back in the day, like an open mic, and he would just go, five people in the crowd. He'd be doing this crazy act out.

I was like, that is fucking brave. Brave. People throw the word brave around in comedy, but I'm like, that's fucking brave. To give it all out. Vatterot is fucking brave brave like people throw the word brave around and comedy around but i'm like that's fucking brave yes to give it all out guys batter out is so goddamn funny no we talked about this recently i think on tuesdays about like when i first started like i loved jim carrey and i liked high energy action i love dane and stuff but like you couldn't it was too much to bomb like a handstand like jumping around as like a t-rex and doing backflips if you're just eating it you're like i've ever seen joe para a couple times at the carolines which is so not the venue for him no he's such and all that but i remember him being literally shirtless sitting

on the ground pretending to row i don't even the bit was he's like shirtless rowing and it's just a bunch of like wealthy people in manhattan eating steaks and chicken parms or Jewish delis and just staring at him like, what is this? I know, but he committed. Yeah, exactly. Can you imagine? I mean, I remember Caroline's just the fucking smell of the food while you're bombing. Yeah. I have to bomb and smell a fucking sirloin.

So true. The thing about Caroline's too is set up in a way where the stage was like, so if you ordered a meal, the tables were in a way they'd be eating like over so if you ordered a meal the tables were in a way they'd be eating like this and you're performing like back here yes yes so they're literally cutting steak like this like looking over their shoulder you're like i'm just a goner i know caroline's was a great room for a period for all of us but i remember like for a period i get every hot weekend opening for these you know guys, guys who are crushing at the time. Jim Jeffries, Dave Attell, Artie Lang, J.B. Smoove. Fun weeks we all had.

But, you know, I remember as the club was kind of going down a little bit in quality, they stopped hiring security. Yep. I remember this guy would not stop. Scary dude heckling me. And I was like, is anyone going to throw this fucking guy out? He was like a scary guy. And I remember watching some tiny white guy who was a security guard walk over to him and whisper. And the guy just went like this. And he just walked out like, sorry.

And I'm like, oh, shit. I was so cocky about it. I'm like, they'll get rid of him. And he was like, I can't. He's too scary. Wow. One of the managers there was stealing money for years. Really?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I really liked the guy too great guy always nice and it turned out he was just the bartender they were stealing too no kidding really we all it was this was a lot this was probably like 13 14 years ago and we all liked the guy wow by the way that was the best christmas party oh the food was like top notch. There was MMA happening there. We told this story on the pod many times. I mean, the Rich Boss kick. Yeah, I was involved. I was there.

I was holding Rich's arms. Can you tell it? Because we've heard it from them many times. Well, I mean, yeah. I mean, I feel bad if you've already heard the story a bunch of times. But basically, Jason canner was busting rich's balls and then canner came over and was i was hammered ripping up the dance floor and then canner was like yeah man voss is pissed at me he's screaming at me and i was like why is

he screaming at you and he's like well i made a joke about his kid and then voss was like you're still talking shit and i was like what and then he comes over he goes you fucking still talking shit and can't had a cocktail like this and and he slapped it out of him, hit me, exploded all over my tits, and I was like, oh my God. And I grabbed Rich, I kept saying, he thinks he's being funny, he's being funny. And I had him by the arms like this, and because I had his arms, he just like,

mule kicked Cantor in the ribs. They kicked Cantor out, ironically. Well, Voss had more juice at the time. Absolutely. In his arms. And broke two of his ribs. Wow. And the funniest part to me was later I was talking to Quinn and I was like, yeah, he was fucking pointing his face at him.

I'm going to fuck your kid. And I was like, no, no, he wasn't. That's insane. So I called Cantor and I'm like, you got to put out some fires here. Like Colin Quinn thinks you were pointing in his face i'm gonna fuck your kid and canon was like no i did and i was like oh jesus you're lucky you only had two broken ribs after that shit but rich is such a sweet guy they're both great guy i mean canada's maybe my best friend ever but um rich was

worried about getting sued and he felt terrible so they worked out they're quite friendly now it's all good but that's nice yeah but i think uh you know i think bonnie was upset by much she's like you should not be talking when it's getting because bonnie was upset it got rich right right cranked up well as as horrible as it is to break ribs and mule kick somebody i still think that is better than like online shit just fucking someone up online i think it's better to get it out oh yeah of course you know i've been tuned up at the cellar a few times and i still prefer that right if you say something fucked up i remember a guy yeah you called me after that guy yeah choking you yes at the cellar and you know you're

all hopped up like holy shit that was crazy but that's still better i i we worked it out so you so we won't say who it was but there was a guy on stage yeah josh gondelman but he was a guy on stage running the light yeah it's a late show you're getting annoyed you shit on him on stage it's hitting you get off stage he greets you with like a high five and then pulls you in and starts choking yeah yeah basically and and stat he's a strong guy yes and i didn't see it coming it was all like uh out of my i had no idea then you said you were gonna fuck his kid yeah and then um no then you you uh but he had he was how long did it take you guys to be good

after that well you know it probably i I don't know, six months. But we never saw each other. We just kept passing in the night. And then one day it was just like, fuck it, let's just talk. And it was totally fine. And I'm not going to sue anybody or anything. I hate all that shit. Let's just work it out like adults.

We can work it out. There you go. The mule kick. i remember when i was doing the the shit talking on stage godfrey was on the floor slapping the floor going ah you you fucked up you're gonna you're fucking up man like he was like trying to warn me like you're done he's gonna kill you and i thought i thought i was killing with godfrey i was like hey i'll keep it going as you were getting your ass kicked he was commentating it as cosby the thing about talking shit good uh any do you guys have any bits or anything this is so good by the way let me see by the way

i got a bone to pick with you rubes that anne frank joke i ran on you you guys uh i think you hated it it's killing okay killing. Oh, okay. Killing. Well, I apologize. All right. I don't ever want to dissuade you from pursuing a bit. No, no, I still did it. Dissuade and pursue.

What did you say? Those two good words, back to back. All right. I'm pretty dumb. I was like, whoa, look at the big brain on Sam. Big Hawaiian burger. What about this? Is this funny?

I've done it a few times, and it works, so don't tell me it's not. But have you heard it? I was ticketing a shit at Starbucks recently. It's a whole thing there. But they had motion detector lights, so the lights went off. So now I'm shitting like this. That's already great. It happened a few times. It kept turning off does it help the flow of

the shit to to wait um feels like it would be more conducive to get it out of you you're like the queen you're doing one of these well then it's awkward too because i'm gonna come out of a public restaurant with my flashlight on so it looks like i was inspecting my asshole or whatever oh yeah checking for warts yeah there you go that's that's a that's a great act out great act out yeah that's fun i got a peeve for you actually just triggered a peeve actually which is right before this i go in that they have there's that one bathroom right it's just one toilet i go in there it smells like fucking trash it's like someone went to town on it oh yeah like trash trash or shit no shit it's bad as hell i just take a piss in there i walk out there's a person waiting oh that's a long the longfully accused moment class i'm harrison

ford and the fugitive i had that on a plane once i was like oh i was pissing and then i came out a lady was right there and i was like i pissed it's a weird thing about the ego because even though you don't know whoever's waiting you feel feel the need to tell them, I don't smell like that. That wasn't me. Yes, that's why I pee on the seat. I did that. Not the shitting. Right, right. They can tell because it's your name.

Yeah, there you go, like snow. I like that. I think that's a hilarious act. Great, yeah, and very relatable. Did it come on? Yeah, yeah, it came on, and it's happened a couple times. How long does it take? I wonder how long it takes. We should look at how long it takes to go Yeah, it came on. It's happened a couple times. How long does it take?

We should look at how long it takes to go out. I think you can set it for different times, I assume. They probably do that to speed it up so you don't linger in there. Right. Oh, yeah. I saw that happen to someone in a new building. I guess they didn't set it right,

but I was just taking a piss at a urinal. He's in the stall, and as I'm washing my hands the lights go out And I guess the the lighting fixture was in the right place, and I couldn't turn it on and he goes fuck And I'm like sorry dude. He goes. I don't even have my phone on me Yeah, how do you know yeah, you got to see the paper? I've definitely done the dumb guy thing where you're in a bathroom, there's a guy in the toilet,

and you just aren't thinking, and you feel like you're at home, and you just turn the light out by accident. And he's like, what the fuck? And you're like, sorry, I got it. The best move is when you're in there with a buddy doing battle shits, and then if you finish first, you leave,

you go, hey, what time are we heading out tomorrow? And then you shut the door, and he's just talking, and you hope somebody else comes in that's fun i told you the story when i worked at sears with my buddy dave stewart great guy we were doing shitting next to each other we called it battle shits and you're just on break he's shitting there i'm shitting here and this is really gross trigger warning i wiped my ass the first wipe and I reached underneath and just stuck it to the side wall, and he immediately threw up. It was like this.

It made like this noise, boom, and then just blah, and it just splattered everywhere. And we worked loss prevention, so it was his responsibility to clean up his own puke. But it was like a muddy shit just stuck to the side wall. That is fucking incredible. I'm Joe Liss. Welcome to Jackass. I mean, he just immediately threw up. Yeah, that's great.

Yeah, what will make you... Is there anything that would make you just puke? Puke is tough. Other people's shit is really a good whiff of shit. Yeah. It gives me a gag. I haven't just thrown up like that in a long time but yeah i don't know what's a good throw up someone's got to be pushing you in that direction already

too like you don't feel well for another reason than that you know yeah or you can do some stuff playing i'll throw up but really you have to see and hear someone else throwing up i saw it once coming out of a mouth into the bag like there was a an inch window from the bag to the mouth and it was it was pretty horrific bright yellow projectile chunky brutal damn you gotta put the bag to mouth folks i had my first bidet experience i never did one they're great mate right i said bidet mate i loved it it was like i'm a different guy now Heated I got that set up it's nice

You could do like taint to back to front And then it had the heater To dry you off Like a car wash Very good I don't know if I should get one Because it's too luxurious Why is it luxurious? It's your home

You're getting a steam shower Why can't you get a bidet? It's your home where your wife sleeps Where your children come and play with the toys it's a good point godfather um part two someone you're about to be a dad yes someone told me don't get the uh the tissue warmer there's like a thing you can get tissue warmer yeah like the baby wipe warmer so in the middle of the night you wipe your kid's butt when they they shit or piss and it doesn't shock them to crying and waking up. Oh, that's good. But then someone told me, don't get it, because it turns your kid into a little bitch.

Ah. And they can never go without it. Oh, that's inevitable. Interesting. I put my baby wipes in the freezer just so my kids cry. There you go. Toughen them up. Good call.

Well, the thing with baby stuff is anything online everybody wants to tell you what's what and everyone it's brutal all right what about this for a bit probably won't work but we'll give it a shot uh my buddy has a oh wait i don't know my niece is uh 14 and she's confiding in me she we're like pretty close we text and talk on the. And she told me she's bulimic. I was like, oh, jeez. So she sent me a photo of my... I just wrote back, you look great. And then I was like, which one is bulimia again?

Because I couldn't remember because there's so many of these eating disorders. And she said, I eat a bunch of food and I throw it up before I digest it because I'm scared of weight gain. I was like, what are you, crazy? She's like, yeah, like yeah yeah i'm like why would you do that she's like well i want the the taste i want the fun part but i don't want the weight gain and i was trying to relate so i said it's kind of like the pulling out of eating you know and uh that's that part's hitting and then i say i need i need more so i'm saying like uh i was like hey if you do gain weight well you can you can just get lipo and suck it out and saying, like, I was like, hey, if you do gain weight, well, you can just get lipo and suck it out. And she's like, well, what are you going to do if you forget to pull out?

And I go, oh, we can just suck it out. That's like the abortion? Yeah, yeah. I thought it was going a different way. Please. When you said the picture, you look great, I thought your brother was going to find the phone. Like, what the fuck? Oh.

I thought that's where it was going. Right, right. Yeah, huh. How's she got other traumas in her life that you can share with us just turn that into a bit yeah right exactly she'll hear this and kill herself but i thought the bulimia to pulling out that part works so i just need more but the hard thing is it's the pulling out is different than bulimia. Because bulimia, you do consume it. And then you throw up. Pulling out, you never come in them.

It's almost like you come in them and then they just shoot out the shiz. My niece texted me she's suicidal and doesn't want me to tell anybody. Let me try. I don't even have a niece. But I thought there was a... I need to make it personal, you know? Believe it or not, I cracked this mystery from the top, but... We're very close.

No, but I think the pulling out analogies is really good. But don't you see my point? I see your point. Bulimic is you do eat it, then throw it up. You have to come in the person, and then she lets it drip out. It's more like a, what do you call that? A cream pie? A cream pie, yeah.

A cream pie. That's the cream pie. Bulimia is the cream pie. But do people know about cream pie? Matt certainly does. What about this kid? He's 11. You know what cream pie?

Well, you got the internet. Okay. Yeah, an 11 year old You gotta ask a 50 year old Right Sam I tried a bit I tried a bit about it once

And it It didn't do great And part of it I feel like is because of that Like people didn't know Yeah Hit me You flip it

You explain cream pie That's sort of like the bulimia Interesting Because they don't know What cream pie is You know what Your cream pie It's my favorite porn Whatever That's when you cum And then you shoot it Back out of your pussy Yeah That's kind of like the bulimia. Interesting. Because they don't know what cream pie is. You know what? Your cream pie, it's my favorite porn, whatever.

That's when you cum and then you shoot it back out of your pussy. Yeah. That's kind of like bulimia. Maybe. I don't know. I'm spitballing. That's not bad. That way you can explain it.

What about like a vasectomy and a lap answer? Well, that would just two completely different things. It's like being like, what about a school bus and an airplane? Where are we going? You're tying it up because you can't take it in. Right. I get it. I get it.

You're losing the bulimia aspect. Yeah. That's the tank aspect. She's telling you she's bulimic. Yeah. Which I don't need. But I like the comparison. But now you got cream pie in my head and now I'm hard.

Bulimia pullout out because it is but it is for me as like a uh what do you like a sensical thing like that it doesn't quite add up to me sure personally okay because the pull out is totally different that's like not putting the food in your mouth that's like going to get it and throwing it on your face i think the point is it's it's incomplete like you didn't finish it yeah yeah yeah i guess so because he's saying before i digest so i think maybe that's okay before you digest you right like before you get pregnant inside you pull out hmm yeah that it's tough because i i feel like i got i got a comparison that's working i just don't know where to go from here. Right, okay.

This is the classic thing where you bounce a joke that's already working, and I'm like, it's no good. No, no, it's working. You're like, oh, shit. I was scared to tell you. Yeah, damn it. Oh, that's pretty good. That's pretty good, Peters.

Well done. Okay. Yeah, that makes more sense. We keep the cum. So it's a blowjob joke now. Yeah, that's kind good okay yeah that's pretty good more sense we keep the cum so it's a blowjob joke now yeah that's kind of the spitting yeah yeah yeah i just feel weird with her like so i've been blowing these guys and i can't decide whether it's no she's bulimic still oh okay okay and then you're like my wife is bulimic she doesn't't swallow. She spits. I don't know. Right, right. That's interesting. Something. Or let me, let me, let me.

You don't finish it. The joke is you don't finish it. Yeah, yeah. The joke is you don't want the results. Right. You don't want to get pregnant or gain weight. You're getting the good part. You're getting the blow job, right?

Yeah, the food. Right, the food. That's the food. You get the delicious part. Yeah. Yeah. The tasty dick. All right.

What do you got? I had an idea about, I was reading the thing about Hitler, about how he. Adolf? Yeah, Adolf. And he. Kirk Hitler? He was into, you know, incest porn and sadomasochism. And I was, you know, I kind of paused and i was like you think

you know a guy and uh but he uh yeah he was into incest porn and uh getting peed on and i was like man he hitler liked to get pissed on which is like that's so weird but then you're also like if anyone's going to be into it it should be hitler like it would also be weird if he was just like you know i just i just cuddle you? Right, right. And then the next angle was like, maybe this is a better angle. I hope so. Was, you know, he had an affair with his niece for like six years, Hitler. So I want to do something about it. Can you imagine being his mistress and like your friends are talking to you

and they're just like, Hitler doesn't respect you. Like he's never going to commit, you know? know i don't know maybe there's nothing here right right all right we'll try let's let me try a different one because this one's fucking it's fucking hit last night no i like i like the the shitting and the pissing stuff like he's you think you know a guy is a great line and then uh well sometimes i'm just thinking too yes yeah like i'm not it's not like i'm like sucks i'm like trying i'm doing math over here yeah yeah okay let me try a different one all right i think that's i think that's stuff here there's legs yeah for sure yeah but yeah i'm thinking here okay hold on hitler's in the state of mascus he likes being peed on it's just also weird to bring it up now like like it's gonna

affect our view of hitler it's it's one of the things we were like he already did the worst thing yes that's the angle like peeing on we're trashing him more we're piling on now yeah to hitler also sometimes maybe there's something to this angle an idea of like um it's are we just making some of this up because we're just so mad about hitler right like he's such an asshole they're like yeah and uh you know he fucked a rabbit or whatever i don't know whatever yeah we're making shit up about Hitler. Right. Like, he's such an asshole. They're like, yeah, and, you know, he fucked a rabbit, or whatever. I don't know, whatever. Yeah, yeah. It feels like we're making shit up.

You know, you could be like, do we do that with other people? Like, you know, Bill Cosby, you know, serial rapist, but, you know, he left the top off the milk, you know? Right, right. Like, we're just adding stuff later. You know, Cosby didn't post the black square. There you go. Whatever.

Yeah, yeah. You know, fucking Mansonson he didn't tip that guy yeah i just fucked up yeah i mean the angle was like man it's really fucked up to tarnish this guy's legacy yeah yeah yeah i want some respect for the dead you know i just thought about was uh the old i think it was dana ghoul had the bit about charles manson he has to go to the parole meeting every year with a big swastika carved into his head. He's like, guys, I'm better. He's got a fucking great bit. I'm better.

Great comic. I'm not crazy. It's really funny. Yeah, yeah. It's just weird to like, don't tell me about more Hitler shit if it's not worse than what he already did. I think that's the angle. You know, you're telling me about extra shit. I already hate the guy.

Yeah. It's also just funny to keep digging shit up on Hitler. Like, who's still doing homework? Like, we got to fucking get this guy. Yeah. Yeah. It hasn't been enough. Oh, maybe that's something.

The people that are still supporting Hitler, like, maybe this is going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Right. I hate Jews, but like pervs? Ew. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. He to pee on them

This pedophile was fucking young boys Oh I didn't know he was gay Hey You're early Sit down Should we do other bits Oh jeez hold on he's got one I don't know a lot of these

Some of these I'm nervous because they're working a bit And I don't want to just throw them out there how about this this is a story slash bit i'm at a crowded breakfast place with uh monis luke monis or maybe it was matt wayne actually both great guys we're in columbus ohio we're eating breakfast it's pack restaurant this is eating and then this woman yells out attention everybody attention so right away i already hate her yep and then she goes uh my friend's about to walk it she's a bride to be everybody just go crazy when she walks in and i'm eating eggs thinking why don't you shut the fuck up how's that sound right then she comes in and immediately i just bail i'm like go girl i

start clapping i just immediately clapping for her and then the woman starts crying like she's like thank you and i'm like why are you emotional we don't care your friend just bullied us i don't understand like why you were moved that is funny by strangers clapping for you yeah also how many times we need to go crazy for this woman won't they go crazy at the wedding exactly why are we clapping yeah anyways those are the angles and it's not impressive to me to get married well that's the thing women think it is they think it's like a big day and you're you're like the star for the day so you're this friend is adding to her stardom well i hope neither of your wives listen to this podcast we've talked about it well my wife is would be appalled like if i was like everyone clapped for

sarah when she walks in she'd be like i hate you and all these people it's like singing happy birthday at the restaurant it's it's no one gives a shit right right no one else gives a shit your immediate circle gives a shit yes but even they're phoning it in yes even your friends are like no one else gives a shit no we don't give a shit about the wedding either. That's fake too. It's all fake. I loved your wedding. Well, but you don't give a shit that I'm getting married. You're not like, yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, I just wanted to hang out and dance. Yeah, it's a fun wedding. It's a good time. But yeah. You should get married. For the wedding. We just want to go to a party. We can hang.

Yeah. We'll do it at TWA. Yeah, let's do it there. We'll do it at TWA. Yeah, let's do it there. We'll do it at Newark. TWA. Anyways. This feels like it's working.

Yeah, it works. I don't know. That's okay. Is there a, but like, is there, I don't know. At the very least, the funny scenario. Just someone like trying to,

the hype man friend. You're just like, shut up. Yeah, I think shut up is like. Well, yeah, maybe there's an angle. Like, this is why you pay the staff at the wedding to go cry.

I'm nobody. Right. Do that with your shit. Well, that was the thing that was funny to me is the idea of getting emotional by that. But you want to actually tell, like, stop crying. We don't care. Yeah, yeah. This is not real.

It's just so weird to be like, oh, my God, that's so nice. Yeah. But it is nice. Women are emotional or whatever. Yeah. But every night strangers clap for me i don't get emotional that could be something yeah that'd be weird if you on stage and started crying yeah the fucking syracuse funny bone

i think you got something there there's something there yeah it's already working yeah well just shut up get a laugh laugh. Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right. That gets a laugh, and then... Bulimia. All right. What do you got, one? I feel like I'm just eating it here. Oh, so did I.

You hear my last joke? Jesus Christ. You're all dying here. Don't bring it up again. We just lost all our fucking fans in this episode. She's scared to try another one. All right. I got one.

All right. So, you know, i might have run this by you but i'm sure you did but uh uh but you know i was sleeping with a girl who i'm seeing and while we're doing it she we just started she goes let's see this her dirty talk let's see how quickly you can come oh i love this woman doesn't sound like it's something you're enjoying right if you're trying to get out of it immediately right if i if i'm like this movie's incredible do you want to leave oh yeah something like that she's like can we watch it on fast forward yeah yes that's not going to skip a few scenes yeah right right watch it on 2x or whatever yeah whenever a

girl whenever i was single i'd be banging a girl she's like come for me i'm like you just want this to end nobody wants you to come for them that's what it feels like it just feels like she's trying to speed it up the person you should say that to is a rapist it's right right that's funny drew well it's like the old thing you do with a kid you're like let's see who can clean up the room the fastest yeah that was like a classic thing let's let's clean up my mom yeah yeah maybe that's funny yeah but yeah you could do a whole thing which is like we should have secs you know she's treating you like a little kid yeah maybe you could be like well let's just see who can stay quiet the longest oh that's funny yeah let's play the quiet yeah after that we can play the quiet i'm gonna do that with their stories let's see how quickly you can finish this

yeah yeah and then after you fuck you're like like, let's be hiding. Go seek. You never call her again. Yeah. There we go. Now we got a bit. We got a bit. We got past the. All right. Yeah.

All right. Yeah. Sally. Our parts are very funny. Yeah. All right. This is a quick, quick joke. Is this anything about how it's like cool to be gay now being like it's trendy to be like gay or LGBTQ.

And I'm like, boy, I would kill for that. When I was getting, I gay or lgbtq and i'm like boy i would kill for that when i was getting i got beat up for being gay and i'm not even gay that's funny all right that could be just a quick one yeah it used to be like you're gay like let's kick his ass now it's like you're gay like you want to hang out exactly yeah and gay was an insult like that those shoes are fucking gay you know right now it's like oh you're gay it's like uh like i knew it was in a good neighborhood right right yeah yeah you want to hang out yeah except before it was like you're gay we're never hanging out you know and that was me i'm not even gay i like the explaining part that you're not gay that's my favorite part yeah i'm not even gay

but it's weird to get beat up like if up. Like if you're like a racist guy and you beat up a black dude, he's black. At least. At least you were right. Yeah. Wait a minute. You get what I'm saying.

You get what I'm saying. Yeah. All right. I think I told you this one. True story. I lived in Harlem. I don't say that, but I went to my car.

I have a car in the city. I went over to my car. There was four black guys sitting on my car. So I just didn't take the trip i was like all right well you guys have been through a lot i'm gonna call my mother i'm like something came up right and then my friend was like you didn't say anything i'm like say anything even if i came home and there was four guys fucking my wife i wouldn't say anything other than i'm coming thank you guys here's your money that's great is that funny i love it yeah all right so there's something funny too like the car is still there you're like you never got the car back after

10 years or whatever this happened right right it's still sitting there yeah you know your friend's like can i get a ride to the store you're like oh my car's in harlem no i it got stolen really well sort of kind of yeah it's a seated violation or whatever the hell that's called that's an absolutely true story i just took the train i was like i'll just take the subway that's hilarious because i was like i'm too nervous i get it it sucks you never got thanked by those guys maybe that's something yeah like they could have been like, oh, we're a little comfortable. We appreciate it. Right. Yeah.

I like it. I love that you just don't want to bother them. You're like, eh, it's a whole thing. I don't know. Because it is hard to be like, hey, fellas, scooch out of here. It is weird. I was at a house party once, and these guys were sitting on my car, and they were like tough guys. So I was like, guys were sitting on my car, and they were tough guys.

So I was like, I'll just start it up, and they'll probably get off. And I started it up, and they stayed on it as a goof. So I just kept going. I'm at the stop sign, and they're on my car. And I'm like, I hit the wipers. I didn't know what to do. I hit the wipers. I hit the spray.

It would be great if Mark was like, I killed a guy one time. He wouldn't move i'm matthew broader dude tom mccaffrey used to have a great joke about that about how we uh tom how matthew broader can jennifer gray killed someone and the angle is just uh i wish that was like my grandma just so i could pressure them to hang out with me every time he's like oh you don't want to hang out that's cool cool. I'll just call my grandpa. Oh, wait, I can't. Because you and Matthew Broderick murdered him.

That's funny. Supposedly it was Roadhead. That's the rumor. I heard the same. Really? Jennifer Grey was blowing him. Jennifer Grey. Yeah.

I wish he got the nose job. That's what I heard. That's a crazy story. All right. All right. Well, yeah. Plug gigs, Joe. What do you got coming?

The specials out one of the best comics in the days yeah brand new special uh three years yeah son of a b here three years you too jesus don't pull up photos of me my god we're eating here you're doing by the way believe it or not i have a bit of a belly ache i don't know if it was the green tea the mocktail of the two chocolate chip cookies or the hot dog I ate in the street. But it's not good. ComedianJailist.com. ComedianJailist.com.

Go to YouTube right now. You can watch the new special. It's called Enough for Everybody. It's very funny. It's free. Subscribe to the channel. I got a bunch of dates coming up. I don't know where I'm going to be.

I don't know when this comes out. But I'll be at Nashville Zany's in a couple weeks. Classic. And I haven't updated my website. I'm not good at the business but um yeah the special is what matters august 18th it should be out now i think oh yeah and uh it's on youtube go check it out tell a friend subscribe to the channel subscribe share comment and up up vote give it a thumbs up please it's very good and i have another one from

last year called this year's material. Yes. Also on there. Also very funny. It's great. And he's got a Netflix thing. Joe's got so many great specials out. So watch all of them. And a hell of a podcast. One of the best.

Yeah. Got a, I don't know. When is this coming? Okay. Yeah. Bethlehem, York, Toronto. That's going to be a big one. So come to Chicago Theater.

Put a little enthusiasm into these plugs. Jesus Christ. Yeah, Chicago Theater. I can't wait. Put a little enthusiasm into these plugs. Jesus Christ. Chicago Theater, I can't wait. Stand-up live in Phoenix, one of my favorites. Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Columbus, Cincinnati, Indianapolis. MSG Theater, the big one, November 4th. See you there. And all over Australia, so I'll see you all over the world.

Hey, down under. I was so offended by your lack of enthusiasm on my plug. Then you kept the same energy for yours. You're like, I'm doing a big theater. I don't know. He's consistent. I said one of the best. I mean, you're like, I got to-

Focus on the words, not the- I'm doing Madison Square Garden. You okay? You sound like Ben Stein. Wow, what a pull. All right. Bueller. Don't run anyone over.

Bueller. Wait, when's your special come out? August 18th. Okay. So we'll go after that. I'm at the Taft Theater in Cleveland. Wow. What is that?

Gillios in Springfield, Missouri. Holy hell. In Chesterfield, Missouri, which I've never heard of at the factory. I think that's just a shoe factory. Now we're at, what does that say? Norway. Oh, we're doing a fucking European run. Norway, Copenhagen, Denmark.

Oh, Berlin is fun. London, Manchester. Never been. Birthdays, I'll be in Dublin for my birthday. That's fun. Happy birthday, Dublin. London, Manchester, Birmingham, Glasgow. Hershey, PA, Birmingham, Glasgow, Hershey, PA, D.C., Oklahoma City, Dallas, Texas, Portland, Maine.

All right. You can go to the website, markdomacomedy.com. Check out the Netflix special as well. It's still streaming. I hope they didn't take it down. And, yeah, get a bottle of Bodega Cat, you queefs. Bodega Cat Whiskey at bodegacatwhiskey.com, baby. Beer Juice, you're working on the book.

That's coming out soon. Coming out soon. We're going to crack out a foreword for you. Yeah, and if everything's going along the plans, it'll be shipping out in September. So check it out online and keep an eye out for it. Hell yeah. I'll write a five word. And what do you got there, New Jack?

I just want to name this episode before the Reddit queefs get to it. Let's go with Tuesdays with Drunks. Hey, all right. Nice. Somebody maced that guy. I'd like to really build that up. Like it was going to be a hot post. I came up with a crazy idea.

I know, right? I'm the most obvious fucking name ever. I feel like we might be gay is better. My father's gay. By the way, that's like City Hick. There's going to be 300 people being like, I've been saying this for years, you fucking idiot. That was devastating, by the way, the City Hick thing. I'm really upset.

Well, we love you. Congrats on the special, Joe. Yeah, it really shows by your face and tone. No, I love you guys. Well, I hate you too, motherfucker. I hate myself great special check it out YouTube

free specials subscribe yeah wow that was anti-Sam wow yeah it was flit

alright well thank you folks we'll see you all in hell Sunday's the day for my next bender I've read a

fever wreck you know the fear juice pops I've had a little too much See y'all in hell. See y'all in hell. Cops coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way. We might be true.