We Might Be Drunk - Ep 143: Matteo Lane Gets Married?!

Episode Date: September 4, 2023

Matteo Lane joins us for this weeks episode, can you believe he got married?! We give him some wedding presents and have some great conversation. Join us this week and grab a drink with us! Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Matteo Lane: https://matteolanecomedy.com/ Get 50% off of Factor &; support the show at https://www.factormeals.com/DRUNK50 & use code DRUNK50 Support the show and take $20 off your 1 st Gametime purchase. Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code DRUNK Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/

Let's just now now we have to generically talk shit Now we're just gonna sub in names. I'm excited Matt's coming. I want to say hi to him. Oh, yeah What's up to tell him to come in when he gets here? I think he's coming later. I think there's a gap Jesus You're looking this does not look like a dude stacked who just i guess just got married that makes sense yeah you look beefy man the arms are popping thank you looking good thanks i mean this is like it's how many how many days a week in the gym five oh damn and what and do you cut

out any types of food or you'd like well this past week i've been eating like shit but but italy shit italy food is no processed no chemicals i feel like it's real food yeah italy i was good at italy i did really well at but generally speaking i mean it was kind of just like chicken and rice and yogurt and chicken rice is good isn't it sounds great this is the best i've ever eaten i mean it's not like doesn't that piss you off when when the rock shows his cheat meal and it's like the healthiest meal i've had all week it's just like pizza. Doesn't that piss you off when The Rock shows his cheat meal and it's like the healthiest meal I've had all week? It's just like a cup of yogurt with one strawberry. Well, it's like sushi was his cheat meal. I'm like, sushi is healthy.

I thought that was healthy. It's fish. I don't know. There might be a lot of, I don't know if it's healthy. I don't think it's like, I don't know anything about sushi to tell you. I can't eat sushi. Rice has no gluten. Fun fact.

Really? So I'm not good with the gluten. I eat it, but I'm not great with it. But I'm rice all day. I love rice, but bread. Have we just started out on a really boring... Is my workout bringing this podcast to a screeching halt? No, I was just kidding.

That was my fault. That was my fault. It's not true. I know when you said gluten, I was like, fuck, we better move this studio to Los Angeles, I guess. I just saw... Sodium. I just. When you said gluten, I was like, fuck, we better move this studio to Los Angeles, I guess. I just saw sodium. I just saw a panic in Sam's eye. I was like, I should probably. Hold on.

Guys, everybody. Keto, what do you think? No. Hey, got to get your greens. You're married. Isn't that crazy? Whoa. Yeah, I got a text from Rosebud like two days before.

I was like, I heard no fanfare. I know. No pump. First of all, fuck you for doing a Friday afternoon wedding when all your friends are comedians. We had to. We had to because we did it at City Hall, which, by the way, is like getting married at Six Flags. And they. How is it like Six Flags?

I mean, they like you go in a line. You like rush you in. There's like a photographer's running around trying to get your pictures in front of this like fake sort of like capital building looking thing an old deranged man dancing yeah everyone's ugly they have funnel cake you know is that some of the rice from your chicken you ate earlier yeah and we're trying to act with seeds to get catch more birds for more protein you need more pigeons out there we're dressed like a gay couple from like 19 like we own like a gay porn shop in 1976 We're dressed completely ridiculous, but you know there we are You guys look like the serial killers in a David Lynch movie

That's what we were going for this is crazy. Aren't we cute very cute. I know we look ridiculous Yeah, I was wearing like Austin power, but my friend Taylor or rear dressed us and he was like ah I love these boots and I don't know how you're gonna feel about them and i was like are they austin power boots he's like if they're too silly we don't have to do it i was like no i'll do it i'll do it go all in so it was nobody but you guys um no we had like some people we had we had like a small group of people come and we had to get like a witness and stuff and of course like we need like a witness and someone to sign an affidavit affidavit and i was like who's the most professional person i know is that liz you're my witness she's got it

and liz was so liz we walked in she had everything in a folder and they're like we need your id here's your ids like we need your uh certificate we had here's a certificate you know shit but best witness is murder and weddings have similarities like witness you only hear like a murder or a wedding pronounce pronounce dead pronounce husband and husband life sentence life sentence catholics yeah um you know it's funny when we got married we get married by like i don't know some some sort of judge some some lady from the bronx and yeah you could see her because she's just doing this all fucking day so you could see her struggling like do you take him to be your last husband and so when we set her i do her i do she goes you may now kiss the husband and then she literally goes folds her things and goes have a nice weekend

it's like a vegas wedding in new york basically yeah vegas at least if you're married by elvis there's some kind of you know magic this was just like being married at an H&R Block. Yeah. It's like a DMV of marriage. Literally. Worse. It was like a Starbucks or something like, or caribou coffee. Who's drinking caribou coffee?

It sucks. DC? Well, you suck. I mean, look, if you're in an airport, sometimes you have no choice. It's not my first. It's not my go-to. Let's give you a scolding hot latte with eight tenths of milk yeah it's all milk gross but anyways the wedding itself was great and then liz had a reception for us at

the cellar and johnny one of the waiters he made me this giant wedding cake for us it was unbelievable so i have a bunch of but we have some gifts for you too you got that right can i open them now open them on air okay and we got a card for you as well. And we totally got this for you. It wasn't our podcast producer who did it while we were out of town. And we wrapped them. There was us. First, I'll open up the card. Okay, Mr. and Mr.

I got a tattoo. Oh, I thought you were high-fiving me. I can't high-five. That is a cool tat. Is it? I got it in Rome. It was pretty uncomfortable. Okay, so here's to your day, your life, and your love.

Here's to the two of you. Congratulations. Love, Sam Morrell, Mark love. Here's to the two of you. Congratulations. Love, Sam Morrell, Mark Norman. I wrote that. There you go. All right. I'll start with this one first. And people kept saying it like Schultz was like, do you have a registry?

I was like, I have no more space in my apartment. Yeah. Do not send a New Yorker any gifts. New Yorkers are the only people who are annoyed by gifts. Yeah. My mom will get me books and I'm like, what are you trying to drown me? I know. I am so happy you sent this to me i genuinely i'm not making this up i literally was like i need to go yeah because i shaved my legs and i haven't shaved them in a while this is great this was

laying around the studio no i'm just kidding no i mean even if it was it's great look i love how they circle the parts of your body where you can shave it. Yeah. Like it's some sort of CIA. All right, that's... Well, hold that up for the cameras. Oh, yeah, yeah. You got to show your uncle's body.

There we go. Thank you, Nana. He's shaving trim. Oh, my God, that's sweet. All right. Do you shave your pubes or what do you do? I give it a trim around the thighs because I get that nasty off-grown thigh hair. So I try to keep it all in this infinity.

Do you know that I just bought one? Really? Oh! I have one. And I also just did a whole- This is why people get registries, Mateo. No, I feel horrible. Damn.

Ninja, please. Yeah, I'll take it. Take it. I'm so sorry. I can't take two. Mark's going to take Mateo's wedding gift? Best wedding ever. All right, take it, Mark. I'm sorry. Thank you for the gift. I can't take it. Take it. I'm so sorry. I can't take two. Mark's going to take Mateo's wedding gift? Best wedding ever. All right, take it, Mark.

I'm sorry. Thank you for the gift. I can't take this. I'm joking. I'm joking. But can you imagine if I had two ninja bullets in my apartment? We'll give it to a homeless guy. But I love the ninja.

I mean, I use it all the time. They're great. And I feel like you do a lot of protein shakes, right? Yes. Yeah, yeah. And it's good for other stuff, too. All right. Now we're talking.

Oh, my God, this is great. A bed sheet set? You got to get that jizz all off of the old one. Take that home, throw your husband's face right into those, dude. Yeah, that's Lacoste, baby. You guys really were thinking about gays. Shaving our body, nutrition, and clean bed sheets. There's nothing better than this.

Bed sheets are the most important thing I mean you need good bed also for how often we're on the road you want to go home I got home late at night from the road probably got in like midnight not brutal but late fucking collapsed on the sheets nothing better

the best and I wash my sheets once every Olympics I'd say so your wife washes your sheets she's better than me but she's no prize we get along i'll tell you my wife she's all right she's in the clan so she has to wash them a lot but yeah oh i got you i got you some prep hold on no i'm just kidding i was trying to keep the gate like mark you should keep that for yourself you might need it more than i will after my sheets yeah i'll catch anything but yeah i got married it's so crazy how do you crazy i feel great i mean i do feel like this was sudden this

was i mean it was wildly sudden yeah my ring looks like it's from lord of the rings oh yeah we went for it and then the woman the guy david yearman where we got them from was so nice he was gay walked in and he goes and so he obviously helped us. But then we walked in to pick them up because they were delivered there. We're dressed in gym clothes. And it was like out of a movie. She's the one which walked up.

She's like, and can I help you? Oh, geez. I was like, whoa. Yeah, New York City. Someone lives in a studio killing cockroaches all day on her time off. My God. Well, she didn't, I mean,

do you think just showing up like that, they would, two magicians show up? It's a lot more fun. You guys look like you're doing two at the Borgata later this week. Oh, yeah. We look like we own two exotic tigers and we have a show in Vegas. Yes, exactly. What else do we look like?

I mean, we had to roast ourselves. I mean, I just. Let's see. We look like an ad on the subway for prep. Yeah, we go. Or two really flamboyant lawyers, like Salino and Barnes kind of thing. Call 1-800-FLAMBOYANT. We look like realtors that only show suede apartments.

Oh, yeah. All right. I mean, we look like lesbians. A little bit. And mean, we look like lesbians. A little bit. Don't we? A little bit. And we sort of act like lesbians. We fight like lesbians.

How do lesbians fight? But you guys are fucking. Yeah, I mean, come on. Lesbians, that ends quick. But normally people fight, fight. But we're just sort of like, I felt a shift in your energy, and I want to talk about that. Like it's very. That's how you fight?

That's essentially, yeah. It's pretty depressing. I assumed gay couples just fenced, you know, when you guys got mad at each other. Do you guys... Are you both in therapy? Is that why you fight like that? I'm in therapy. Yeah, he was in therapy, too.

He's still in therapy. People who fight in therapy are excruciating. Jonah Hill. Perfect example. Those texts. Oh, yeah. What the hell? But that doesn't...

Well, the fights take way longer because it's I feel like. That adds another. I know. That adds more time. I will say we have a problem because it loops a lot. And we have a hard time just sort of like squashing. And they're not fights. I mean, they're just sort of like.

I feel sad now. You're like, okay. You just keep feeling things. It never ends. Let's get to the point. Yes. I know. It's hard.

But we're getting better you know we don't we really don't argue that much how long into the relationship did and who proposed by the way who proposes in the gay i proposed uh which is shocking because i bought them but um really yeah well i mean we've flipped back and forth but um well kaepernick like like uh men and women like knee can i tell you that when I did it, I was so embarrassed because it was so heterosexual that I didn't even know how. You know what I mean?

Where did you propose? I got a nice hotel for us in Williamsburg that faced the whole city. I feel like most of the proposals in Williamsburg are ironic. Yeah, I brought a parrot to do it for me. That's also my shoulder pad. All the proposals are like do you want. Yeah, I brought like a parrot to do it for me. That's also like my shoulder pad.

I mean, what? All the proposals are like, do you want to get married? You're like, whatever. I don't care if you say that. Yeah, right. The hotel wasn't as nice as I thought. What hotel? Throw shade. Should I?

Sure. Yeah. We stayed at the William Valley. Oh, trash heap. But I thought it was going to be nice. And then I was like, oh, this is if like an elevator was made into a giant hotel. Like it's just, first of all, can I just talk about what's with the barn doors, the sliding barn doors with the bathrooms? So now everyone just has to hear me shit.

Yes. And then you got to go clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk. Like, no, give me a fucking door. And there's no difference with the sound. So it's like whatever is happening in that toilet is happening throughout the room. So I'm like, put your headphones on. What's the school? Go back.

What's the Google rating? The website looks good. Well, that's what I'm saying. Four, four, though, for a five-star hotel. I want a four, six. Okay. Well, there were stains on the sheets. I was mad.

What kind of stains? I don't know. Brown, yellow, red? Brown. What is brown? That's only one thing that's brown. Blackface. Either someone was eating chocolate way late at night

or just someone took a huge shit on the bed. Look at this review. One out of five. We booked for one night here to celebrate my husband's birthday. However, it has been an unpleasant experience for the following reasons. One, when we first checked in, the room didn't have a mini fridge. Okay, this woman seems insufferable. Our dog's food.

Food. I'm just saying I don't want to hear someone's shit when they're in the bathroom. I don't either. That damn barn door. Mark, what are you eating? Sorry. It's sour. That was, I put you out loud.

Mark is a cartoon character. Mark did that on cue I was just in Vermont and we were in a hotel it was like expensive for a shitty ass Hilton because that's all they had available and I mean you know you're standing in a shithole and you walk in

and immediately it's late at night we get in we're getting for the gig the next day and some dude walks up to me and my tour manager's kind of like play defense because he thinks he recognizes me. But he's just a drunk who sees me holding a 12-pack of seltzer. And the guy thinks it's beer. So he's trying to get a beer off me. He goes, is that beer?

And I was like, go away. Oh, weird. So we go in. No fucking Wi-Fi. They ended up comping tonight. There was no Wi-Fi in my room for some reason. And everyone's fucking with me. They're like, yeah, Sam, no Wi-Fi in my room for some reason. And everyone's fucking with me. They're like, yeah, Sam, no Wi-Fi.

Let me set it up. The Wi-Fi engineer comes up. He can't figure it out. Whoa. And then as he's leaving, he goes, I'm a big fan. I'm coming tomorrow night. Oh, see, I like that. I felt bad because I couldn't be a piece of shit because when we got there, we got drinks

and they kept giving us drinks. So like, we recognize you and we love you. We just want to say thank you. Have all the drinks you want. It's like, no, I can't be a piece of shit. And you're not a big drinker. So you're not even taking advantage of that. No, I had like one margarita.

I'm like, woo! You know, so, but the room itself was just like, it's, I guess it's fine. But like, I don't know. Is that a New York thing? I feel like big cities, they really skimp on the room size. New York, definitely because there's just not enough. I mean, there's really just not enough space. Yeah none of those lights worked by the way i could not figure out the lights and then they had to bring the light guy up and then the light guy couldn't figure out the lights and

i'm like i'm trying to plan like a i'm trying to fucking propose the illusion of all this money of the getaway is gone once there's a strange man in your room yeah once there's a dude trying to fix shit you're like I may as well be at home with my super. I thought too, it's like, okay, my house is, I literally,

I'm like, I can see my house. Yeah. I could have just done this at home. I know, and it does look great. I mean,

I'm sold on the website, but I know. The views are beautiful. Yeah. Yeah, the views are unbelievable, but those views, I couldn't just go to

Williamsburg myself, you know what I mean? I don't have to. Yeah. How was the state? Did you guys end up leaving some stains of your own uh we i hope we did good yeah yeah yeah i will say i'm embarrassed now my wedding night oh shit it's my stain alarm my wedding night uh we were so drunk and so exhausted we didn't bang and we banged the next morning we definitely had sex Okay But

Yeah I blew it Is there a routine with gay guys Like which guy Do you switch off Who comes first or what Cause you know In a hetero relationship I kinda have to make sure

The woman comes first You do that I have to I'm joking Well then you know She's not coming Once I'm The game's over

Once I'm out That's true I guess it's just like That was the last one the rap you're so ridiculous mark that was the first time i met you was 11 years ago you were preparing for your first conan set and you're at the creek in the cave and when you got off you farted oh geez well see i never changed i was like same who's that like you never change you never change you never evolved nothing it's always ever changed my sheets you are you're like a simpsons character

you are just sort of you've been the same he's kind of rick from rick and morty uh-huh a little bit yeah i'm like the alien from american dad oh yeah i can see that. What, so you proposed on one knee. Where was the proposal? At the hotel. I had it all set up like a marry me and like a nice, pretty thing. That's great. I know. That moment was really nice, like to have that moment.

But then, you know. And you met this guy through Instagram? We met through Instagram in February. Who DM'd who? Me. I'm desperate. He was doing a video where he was like getting ready you know those like almost soft soft core porn videos of like guys and girls like here's what i dressed in today and they start in their underwear and then they pull up their clothes and stuff like that oh i love those a thirst trap

type a total thirst trap so i was like going through his instagram god damn this guy's ripped yeah he's hot hot as jesus christ he is really you're not so bad yourself mateo yeah i look all right i got i'm getting more hair transplants in january so are you really really i thought it was one and done no i i want i went back for my year post and uh he was really happy and so was i and they were so nice and i was like you know i was like honestly i want my hair to wear wear really short like I know you're gonna fight me on this but can I bring it in and bring in hair here he's like absolutely oh okay and they're gonna give me

more of a beard I don't have a beard whoa just don't overdo it as a friend it's hair it's hair okay okay these plastic surgery ladies and they they lose touch you're gonna look like Liza Minnelli in three years yeah I'm so excited I'm going on tour.

It's called, it's the desperate tour. But you don't want a Madonna. You see her now and you're like, come on. She was good until like, a couple surgeries ago, she was still pretty good. That's filler and like facelifts. And so I'm literally just getting hair. Okay, okay. I just want some hair.

Madonna looked good in 2008. She got plastic surgery the very first time and she looked fucking great yes back when she looked good yeah she looks good there not not at the end not at the end i don't type it type in madonna plastic surgery 2008 see what we come up with i think i'm such a faggot. That is the year. Okay. That one. Yeah. The bottom one with whichever one. Oh, my God. Yeah. She looks like a Mortal Kombat villain. Jesus Christ. She's Zendar or whatever that is.

Except you never say, get over here. Yeah. All right. She went from a material girl to a material face, I'll tell you. Boy, she was sexy. And now there's a thing online called the Madonna Challenge. Have you seen this?

No, what's that? The lady. You try to jack off to her. It's really hard. Oh, my God, Sam. Woo, count it. Here's my thing about Madonna. I love Madonna.

Madonna wants, if she wants to look that way, she has every right to look however she wants to. I don't know what it's like to be an agent. You know, all those tropes, right? Yeah. But I will say when they took pictures of her at the Grammys and her immediate response was that it's a bad camera lens. It's this. It's that.

It's like if you're happy with the way you look, then say, I'm happy with how I look. That's where all the bad cameras are at the award shows. Yeah. I shows yeah i mean that's the best no one can afford a good camera there i know poor madonna madonna challenge is where you try to keep up with her dancing at a show and it's insanely difficult i tried it last night i couldn't do like oh she's an incredible dancer incredible but i mean just the the stamina the endurance it takes to do what she's doing i can't imagine like a beyonce show or something can you imagine the cardio no i can't and being and singing singing yeah like beyonce is singing incredibly well and fucking dancing and dressed in like the most amazing outfits you can imagine and i don't know what she's done. She looks the same. She hasn't

changed. She gets more fucking gorgeous every year. How about Britney? What's going on now with her? Are you a big Britney person? I actually was more of a Christina fan growing up because I like singers. But Christina's been nothing but a disappointment

for the past 12 years. How so? She just seems kind of mean and doesn't pick good music. Okay. She's an incredibly talented singer who has not chosen good. I hate to say it, but she needs like a Svengoolie to sort of like, hey, here's the music you should sing. Right. But maybe she doesn't want that career anymore.

I don't know. I mean, she's been fine, I'm sure. Yeah. Genie in a Bottle was big. Yeah. She's fine. But Brittany, I don't know, I'm sure. Yeah. Genie in a Bottle was big. Yeah. She's fine. But Britney, I don't know.

I was, my gayness, my divas were like Mariah, Whitney, Patty, Aretha. Like, I wanted the singers. I wasn't so into, like, the, you know, the bass. Yes, yes, the fries. It was pop versus, like, actual, like, pop. Singing. Yeah. I mean, I'm listening to to like aretha franklin from 1968 we were at that roast together remember uh oh maybe this wasn't the one we were at together

was it a roast where aretha sang oh wow it was uh you saw really frank it was a matt lauer roast uh years ago this is damn clearly years ago he He tried to leave. He couldn't. There was a lock on the door. I'm there and I'm in the back and it was a fun roast. I mean, get it out of the way. She does...

Aretha Franklin does the National Anthem before the roast. It was like a big get. And then Jeff Frost comes out and goes, wow, usually it's over when the fat lady sings. Jesus, Jeff. She got a big one of these. Yeah, good for her. It was a different time.

She flicked them off? Oh, yeah. Oh, good for her. Well, I love Aretha Franklin is the queen of shade. Oh, really? Oh, my God. The interviews they ask her, they're like, this guy's like, I just want to ask you about certain singers.

Do you mind? And we just get your impression of them. She's like, yes, absolutely. Like, you know, Mariah Carey, a singer, a good songwriter like Whitney. Whitney was a talent, a real talent. She goes, Alicia Keys, good songwriter. Taylor Swift, gorgeous gowns. Oh, gorgeous gowns.

Beautiful gowns. Wow. Gorgeous gowns. And then they're like Nicki Minaj. She goes, I'm'm just gonna skip on that i've never seen uh people lose their shit in my lifetime the way i've seen taylor yeah yeah i i'm so what am i missing i don't get it like i think taylor swift's great super talented great song writer but when you watch whitney houston from the 80s i mean you forget what the standard yes

you forget what like oh yeah we didn't need uh dancers we didn't need fireworks we didn't need this literally just a woman with a microphone and a piano what about tina turner unbelievable but different kind tina turner was a phenomenal singer different type of singer yeah phenomenal singer phenomenal dancer phenomenal entertainer, and had real charisma. I mean, she really could captivate an audience.

And do you know, she was like the Madonna in Europe. Really? Oh, yeah. In America, everyone knows her and loves her and stuff,

but in Europe, she was, I mean, number one. When she died, I think she was living out there. She was living in Switzerland, I think. Yeah, not Europe,

but close. Is that Europe? Yeah, it's Europe. All right, sorry. I was living in Switzerland, I think. Not Europe, but close. Is that Europe? Yeah, it's Europe. All right, sorry. I've been drinking. It's Swiss Alps. It's north of Italy. There you go.

North of Italy. Well, I love it. Curveball on voices. Okay. And you're not going to like it. Sinead. Sinead O'Connor? Yes.

As a singer. I don't think technically she was a great singer, but she was probably a singer that was meant more for meaning and interpretation. Ah, okay. So I don't think it was. She wasn't like Barbra Streisand. No. Have you seen Streisand live?

Oh, yeah. I'm obsessed. I grew up listening to Streisand. My aunt Sid and I are completely obsessed. And then when she was years ago, like five years ago, she was doing three concerts just for whatever reason. she was doing the United Center in Chicago, Madison Square Garden, New York, and then whatever the hell in LA. And she sells out like that, you know?

Yeah. So my aunt and I immediately bought tickets. She came out, she's like 76 at the time. She came out, she started singing. We started bawling. Wow. And she could still sing. And then Ariana Grande came out to do a duet with her. Wow.

And Barbara's out singing Ariana. And then the bomb hit. We were in Manchester. What about some dudes? I mean, all I know is Sinatra. Stevie Wonder's the greatest male singer. Stevie Wonder, Luther Vandross, but Pavarotti is the single greatest

voice to ever live. Pavarotti. Even better than John Legend? John Legend's really good. Okay, okay. And I like his Christmas song. Yeah, yeah. How about, I'm thinking of other dudes. Pavarotti, though.

Pull up a Pavarotti. Pavarotti, Nessun Dorma. How about like Bocelli? Andre Bocelli is an amazing singer. I like Bocelli. He's my guy. More, more. The Three Tenors?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. The Three Tenors, those concerts my god The three tenors Those concerts I like the blind thing I like that he's blind His son is a good looking He's got all the It looks like Bocelli's son

Has got all the looks Oh Bocelli His kids are really good looking Oh really? Yeah yeah yeah And he's got the talent And he gets to see That's like fucked up

That's true His dad was more I would say contemporary For men There's no other Do you think when he gets In like domestic dispute, he still can raise his voice? Oh, yeah. I wonder, right?

He's had a lot of domestic disputes. Trust me. He's had so many mistresses and kids. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Crazy for a landowner. Damn. Did you watch his doc?

Yeah. That's where I learned about it. Great doc. Same. He could not stop cheating. And you're like, this guy looks like Dom DeLuise but if you got the talent no if you got skills you're in yeah for straight people yes yes the way your gay dudes are like fuck that hey guys i see me on stage well i used to make this joke before i was known but like it was hard doing gay shows when i

first started doing stand-up because you know if gays don't know who you are they want to see women that's how we associate comedy a lot of times or drag queens right so i would get on stage and try these jokes that i was doing at the creek in the cave and you could just almost feel them being like where's kathy griffin you know right i hear this at brunch who cares like because gays are all funny so they're all like we don't what the fuck is this guy offers so the gay shows were really really hard in the beginning really hard yeah a gay silence is loud gay at a show gay shows like gay audiences are very uh tough audiences because what they do is they don't respond if you're not funny they just turn and talk to each other oh

that hurts worse than that's brutal it's brutal I did a show. I never enjoyed performing in Vermont, I got to say. Really? Why? I did a show there. Well, first off. Where were you performing? Higher Ground. It's like a song.

It's an Aretha Franklin song. Hey. Oh, no. Higher Love, I'm thinking. I'm sorry. Go ahead. There was no love that night, I'll tell you. No, it was, I'm doing, you know, Vermont, and it's weird.

I have a thing where, like, first off, I have a weird history. I got assaulted there. A guy smashed a pint glass over my head once. In Vermont? Yeah. I know, this peaceful ski chalet palace. Oh, dude, they're fucking, no. Ben and Jerry's, Bernie Sanders.

By the way, that city is, oh, yeah, but it's yin and yang. Yeah, yeah. You get the kind of, like, the hippie dippies, but then you get the dudes who are, like, the bros who are, like, the woods. I wish they were in Boston. I mean, it's weird to be liberal, but also like gun people. That's what they are. That's true.

They're outdoorsy. You don't see that combination like anywhere. There's no like not Manhattan. Well, there's no like well, there's no like conservative market that's like pro abortion. It's just a weird. Yeah, it's a weird combo. You're right. So we, you know, we're doing the show by the way the fucking people

there are like they're losing it we i'm with brian my tour manager we're just taking a walk we're gonna go play basketball at the y as we're walking by there's a there's a woman on drugs and she just turns to us and he goes fuck both of you i hope you suck dicks forever like it's like all you can do is laugh yeah of course but the show is no the show is a fucking mess it's like one of those things where they're just so they're on drugs they're just not laughing it's on drugs and it seems like they're having a great time but i'm hating it oh they're all high this guy won't stop fucking heckling me then he tries to come backstage and they let him backstage what are you doing they're oh, he works for the venue.

And I'm like, oh, the guy who ruined my show? Oh my God. He didn't ruin it, but he was annoying as fuck. No, I hate that. No, he ruined it. Anyone who's,

hecklers, I have zero tolerance. They don't know when to fucking, I have one joke that's a long story and he just completely cut it off. And then you have to

rebuild the momentum, you know? That drives me crazy. You guys have a say for it in the audience? You know, like, buy that guy a drink means throw him out? No, I say to them, I say, this person needs to go. Oh, there you go. I will say I've been very, very, very lucky, knock on wood, that I really have quite great, well-behaved audiences.

Really? Yeah, I do not deal with... Usually that's the case for me. The other shows this weekend were great. We did Providence, Northampton, and Albany's beautiful. The Egg is beautiful. Oh, the Egg's awesome. I think it's because I have a bunch of gays

and we all perform so we know what it's... You know what I mean? Yeah. They have an idea of like... But sometimes that works the other way, though. Sometimes the people that are also like, I do this, are the worst fucking audience. But I will say i i don't there's they ask me what's your code where i said there's no code word i will say out front this person has to leave

yeah and i give zero time i have zero talents for hecklers zero but you've heard people think i mean and i'm like i don't care if i bomb if someone's heckling the first 15 minutes i get them out and if i bomb for the next 45 minutes, I go to bed happy that night. I don't fucking care. Good for you because my worry is I'll derail the show. I'll lose momentum and I'll fuck it up.

I don't care. Not my problem. You've heard that story. I forgot who it is. It might have been like Orny Adams or someone. I do a great Orny Adams impression.

Well, you could do this. So he apparently, I think it was Hilarities or something. He has a code word. His code word is get this guy a cola. And they just forgot.

That's what I was getting at. That's what happened to me. He's going, get this guy a cola. Will someone get him a fucking cola? Yeah. Because he doesn't want to be the bad guy when they get tossed. This is why I brought it up. This happened to me.

I was at the Taft Theater in Cincinnati. There was a couple in the front from Kentucky going, woo, we love you, blah, blah, blah. Everything I'd say, they're going into the setups. I'd be like, so I got a ninja. say they're like going into the setups i'd be like so i got a ninja and they're like whoa ninja you know they're just so fucked up and i my code word is tase this motherfucker because it's still kind of funny you know so i go tase this motherfucker and you know everybody laughs nothing happens and i go can someone tase this motherfucker no one does

anything and then i they're gesturing me on the side of the stage and i look through the curtain and the guy's going he's like hitting a taser oh my god you want to do this and i was like no no don't actually damn so they just stayed the whole show so then after like what happened i'm like that's sometimes my code word is actually a curb stomp this motherfucker so it goes horribly mine's just i scream faggot. And they're like, who? But I, which one? But I hate,

the thing I hate more than heckling, I'd rather someone purposely heckle me than someone who thinks they're supporting me by talking at me. Because we can do something with that. Yes. Right. We can kind of yes and the heckler. That's right.

But if it's someone who's like, just like cheering you on, you're like, now you're like now you're just fucking with the flow yeah and i say there was i was in houston doing a couple of uh shows getting my hour together for this tour the improv and um there were issues uh but i um the audiences were fantastic but one show there was was a couple in the front. They were really talkative, and at one point, I was just like, you guys, I can hear every word you're saying, and it's incredibly distracting,

so if you want this show to go well, can you just stop? And then they stop. Oh, okay. You know? Sometimes you just be honest. I know. Sometimes it's not even about the joke. You just say, like, hey, I want to let you know.

You know what I say a lot? Like at the cellar, if someone heckles and stuff, I'm like, everyone, this person here, this is called a the joke you just say like hey i want to let you know you know what i say a lot if someone like at the cellar if someone heckles and stuff i'm like everyone this person here this is called a narcissist that's good this person that's catty as fuck oh i go in i never yell i never say fuck you you don't want to make it uncomfortable that way you can't bite too quickly because i've seen i was at the comic strip once and i saw a comedian who's got a bit of a temper i love the way he handled this He just No one else can see What's going on

Except him So he just turns to him And goes Fuck you get AIDS bitch And goes right back Into his act And I was like You can't bite that quickly dude

Wow I've seen some comics Some pro comics Like you know Oh yeah That go in And I was talking To Sarah Talamash

Years ago We were at the stand Years ago The old stand And she goes Someone was We were talking Oh they got into a fight with a heckler and sarah goes you know i think almost a hundred percent of the time i'm on the comic side and i was like yeah me too yeah usually although one time i did see one where a comic snapped at a guy at stand-up new york and it was it was it escalated really quickly and a guy in the front

row an old guy goes tell a fucking joke the comedian puts the mic down and does this so i'm kind of like what the fuck is like a fight about to go down this comedian i'm like he will kick this guy's ass so i turn to the host i'm like you should probably do something the host takes out a camera phone and starts recording it that was his idea of dude something i'm like fucking take him off stage or dude you know yeah yeah so what happened the guy got off stage and he left wow you just can't no fight the trick is you can't like scream and yell you can't actually fight because you are trying to like keep the temperature in the room you just have to be i my approach is always like i'm just super direct and honest i'll say like

i'm just letting everybody know like it's really difficult on stage when I have a rhythm of how I speak. And if someone keeps talking to me, that rhythm gets ruined. I can't hear myself. And then the joke is ruined. And then there's 1,000 people here. And then the show is ruined for you guys. I'm just explaining to you what's going on. And then people kind of – you have to get them on your side because otherwise we just look like crazy people like shut the fuck up and the person in the balcony

is like what? you're like some diva but you ever have the thing where you're like hey could you guys stop talking and they're like oh fuck you and you're like wait why are you mad at me you're the one talking at a show I hate that and you don't want to come off like a dick I had a thing we were taking the car

service back yesterday from Albany it's me I just love our lives by the way we're taking the car service back yesterday from Albany. It's me. I just love our lives, by the way. I love car service. My trainer tonight. This hotel. One with Gary Veeder, who opens James, who films and and fucking Brian, the tour manager. Brian is he's so direct that it's uncomfortable.

Yeah. Like the driver won't shut the fuck up. He like keeps telling us bad jokes and they don't have endings. They're jokes where they're just like and we we're going over the set, and we're talking about stuff. We're talking about Gary's special. We're talking about we're working on a show together, and then he just keeps cutting off. He's like, I got another one for you. We're like, oh, boy.

And there's no ending. So we're just sitting there pausing, waiting on a punchline. And then he takes a phone call. It's like a loud phone call. It's like an expensive car service. So I kind of give my tour manager a look like this, and he gives me a look like, expensive car service. So I kind of give my twin major mind a look like this. And he gives me a look like, I got this. And I'm like, I don't know what I got this.

He turns to the guy and goes, we'd like a quiet car for the rest of the turn. And I'm like, what the fuck, dude? This guy's going to drive us off the road. Yeah. I love it. You crushed this guy. I love him. I fucking love it.

I loved it, too. But I was like, god damn. I mean, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do that, too. Schumer used to do that kind of stuff. And I was like, I wanted to hide in my own asshole. I was so uncomfortable. I saw Amy do that before too.

And I was like, this is pretty cool. She's a pro. I just don't have that spine. It just depends on the situation, I think, for me. But I will say 99% of the time, my audiences are great. Totally. I'm having issues, though, with the sound at theaters where I touch the mic and no matter where I touch it, it's like. Oh, interesting.

And it happened at one theater and I stood on the stage. I go, hey, this mic is making this noise. And then the sound guy goes, well, what do you want me to do? And I go, I don't know. This might surprise you, but I'm not the sound guy. And he goes, well, that's just the way our mics sound. sound i said let me get this straight you have a 3 000 seat theater here and this is the first time you've ever heard a problem with the microphone he goes well maybe i'll get some duct tape and put it around and i go you can do whatever you want i was like but

we just need to fix the problem and they're holding the room right so and the whole staff is there like all the ushers everybody's in there and i'm on stage going back with the sound guy and he's making zero effort to fix it and at one point he goes you're just gonna have to deal with it whoa and i go i promise you i am not leaving this stage until you do your job and then my tour manager calls her sound guy and she goes he said change the channel so they change the channel problem fixed wow that guy should be fired i don't even get me that there was a certain that's the job right there was a certain theater very big theater very big moment for me and uh the two things happened one my host walks on stage as he's walking on stage they're not playing the music the second he grabs the mic and says hello they start playing the music

that's happened to me before i turn to the sound guy and i say hey you need to play the music the second he walks out and i'm not like hasan minaj like i don't have like a giant screen behind me and views and things that are you know like really you gotta get it right it's like just play the music so then emma's opening for me and in the middle of emma's set they start blasting my closer music oh what song is it ann Annie Lennox, Walking on Broken Glass. So in the middle of it, Emma says, like, walking on, walking on broken glass. I, my head whipped to the stage manager. This is the same guy? Same, same.

Yes. And I said, what the fuck are you doing? And he was like, sorry, his hand slipped. His hand slipped. That happens. Yeah. I was on stage the whole, sorry, his hand slipped, his hand slipped. I, that happens. Yeah. I was on stage the whole time in a rage. Like I did it,

but the back of my head, when I left, I saw the sound guy talking to my tour manager and he goes, Mateo, really sorry about that hiccup. I said, you should be until your sound guy. I'm fucking pissed.

And I left. I was mad. Happened to Gary, happened to Gary. But the song is, I have him come out to is I'm a Bitch By Meredith Brooks I like it So it happened to him

Yeah But at least you can use that It's a funny song It's a funny tune It's a funny song For Gary to walk out to Yeah Do we just sound

Does your audience like We talk this inside baseball Sure Yeah well this is a funny story Oh play the clip I sent you Play the I sent the I've never seen this

And I don't know You guys have probably seen it But I saw it for the first sent the, I've never seen this. And I don't know, you guys have probably seen it, but I saw it for the first time. This? I've never seen this. And we can't stop doing it. I have seen this. This is a real scene from Intervention. I know this. Yes.

Okay, Mark. You're just pulling this out of, out of. Pull it out. Okay, okay. It's fine. We'll go back into other stuff. I feel like we're in the middle of something here, but all right. No, no, no.

He told the story. Oh, okay, all right. Is there more there? No, no, no. I don't know what this is. But this is unhinged. Trying to eat well is exhausting, but when you change your atmosphere, you can also change your habits.

With Factor, it's easier to heat up a delicious, healthy meal than it is to hit a drive-thru. Factor's America's number one ready-to-eat meal kit that delivers dietician-approved meals right to your door. Their fresh, never-frozen meals are ready in just two minutes, way faster than takeout. We got a lot of these. They were really good, right? So good. The smoothies are good.

They taste good. They're easy to make. I mean, it's perfect for just a dumb non-cook guy. And if you're on the go, the smoothies are great. The heat up, it's ready immediately. It's so quick. And it's actually really good tasting and nutritious. To factormeals.com slash drunk50 and use code drunk50 to get 50% off.

That's drunk50 at factormeals.com slash drunk50 to get 50% off. Oh, yeah. That was easy. Hey, hey, folks. Looking for something to do tonight? Well, check out Game Time. It's the fast and easy way to buy tickets for all the sports, music, comedy, and theater near you with flash deals and last-minute tickets.

You can go to amazing events without planning months in advance. They even have their Game Time guarantee, so you know you're getting the best price. If you find tickets in the same section and row elsewhere for less, Game Time will credit you 110% of the difference. Wow, what a steal. We know these places can kill you with the charges, the fees, the crap, the sub this and extra that. It's too much.

Go out of town and see what Game Time has offer has to offer it's an amazing way to explore your city and prices that won't break the bank maybe we'll even see it one of our shows huh get a ticket snag those tickets without the stress with game time download the game time app create an account use code drunk for 20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem your code DRUNK for $20 off. Sorry. Download GameTime today. Last minute tickets. Lowest price guaranteed.

Use promo code DRUNK. $20 off. This is from Intervention. Somewhere deep down in my heart. That's a real Pavarotti, this guy. Great voice. I still love you what the is this being Bobby Brown?

It just sucks to have a bad cry. Yeah. Here's the thing. That show bothered me because I just felt like they were completely taking advantage of the people. Clearly. Of course, of course. Like that woman who was addicted to like this huffer or whatever and she was like i think i'm working on sunshine i was like okay so like for the rest of her life

like that's what allison has to be associated with that well she signed the release you know that's how they get you do you think that guy knows he has an awful cry until he's i think when you're on intervention that's the least of your worries like this man is clearly doing so much crystal meth that he's now on A&E or whatever fucking channel it used to be on

with his family being like I love you with lights and sound like they had to get miked for that like it's bad I wish a woman I broke up with

had that cry so I would have no second thoughts right because if you're just like I think we should see other people she would be like

oh thank god this is the right choice. Yeah. This is great. You know those guys in the sound booth like, go with the headphones. Like, Jesus Christ. That totally came out of nowhere. Can we watch more clips and make fun of them?

I don't know. Yeah, sure. I just did a whole. My friend Gabby Bell's got a really fun YouTube channel. And we watched. Remember the Magic Bullet, the infomercial? Yes. We sat and watched the whole thing and read it for filth. there's nothing better than infomercials oh so funny don't

do that one that one's that one's super current is there any other shit yeah these are who's this these are really current and this is not coming out for a minute okay so let's do it what wow is that a joke uh fucking diva oh geez i hope it's guilt too much pussy yeah he swallowed a pube women okay so you're dating or you're engaged or you're newly married or you're single okay and you don't want to end up with a corn addict you don't want to end up marrying someone if you are against a relationship so they're saying corn because porn gets flagged by tiktok i didn't know that because she's this woman i haven't seen this but i've heard about this um yeah she's like a fucking this woman is the woman who was really mad about oppenheimer right can you get the other why why was she

because florence pew is naked in it i haven't seen the clips but i've heard about this can you get the other why because florence pew is naked in it i haven't seen the clips but i've heard about this can you pull up the other one against her will is she like super christian yeah oh by the way that's what's bothering you about oppenheimer not the fucking the japanese japanese people got murdered you're mad about it was so good by the way thanks man what did you say you were like like... Oh, jeez. Tell that to Joe Liss. Why? Oh, really? Why? I posted a clip of me and Will fucking around with it. Yeah, let's see. Any advice for my husband and I wanting to watch Oppenheimer but being fully afraid of

the Florence Houston everyone's talking about? There's two. Wow. Have you guys seen Oppenheimer yet? No, not yet. I think it's really good. I'm dying to see it. My friend Nick, he's such an idiot when it comes to history.

He was watching Oppenheimer. He goes, why the hell do they keep talking about the Nazis? Isn't this Japan? Like, you're an idiot. That's amazing. OK, so I researched. I researched everything before we do you. But especially this movie.

Obviously, I heard about it. Yes, we wanted to see it. It has an amazing rating um we prepared ourselves i didn't know when the scene was going to happen and i also didn't understand how the scene was happening i thought it was just several minutes straight of but it wasn't it was actually broken up into like wow this is wild there were also two nukes you dumb bitch and then it would do yeah there's a genocide it was like very you know back and forth so it was really difficult to avoid it but obviously my husband and i talk

about everything if we go don't talk about everything man you always wonder who likes john chris all right i like john he's a nice guy what if you get let's get the boom mic in there really johnny's a nice guy what if you get the boom mic in there really the problem is what if you're talking about being triggered by nudity during a war film yes yes with mur a lot of murder knowing that like how many millions of people in hiroshima are going to die and she's worried about a dick or tits tits crazy i thought the tits or be like a relief on the screen so essentially um what we did was when the scene came up when things were happening he literally closed his eyes and laid his head on my shoulder if this is my shoulder like this is your husband's gay yeah i don't know her husband but i know he's gay literally i will tell you what right now

took nothing away from the story him not looking at the screen during did not you're an adult storyline i know they must not have sex by the way this is what my mom did to me when we saw he got game in a theater she put her hands over my eyes so i couldn't see the titties really yeah and she did it to me during griffin game is that the one where he dresses up and drag to play basketball? That's Juana Mann. That's okay. He got games like in a good movie.

That's Spike Lee. Very good. Is it? Okay. Yeah, Denzel. Yeah, it's a good flick. But she did it to me during Grifters, too. Fucking Annette Bening's perfect young titties.

Oh, pull them up. Annette Bening was a fucking dime piece. Oh, yeah. I don't remember ever seeing her young. I think she was hot older. I literally- I think she's hot in American Beauty. Very hot in that.

With the legs up, getting plowed by Peter Gallagher. I don't know if I'm with you on this one. Dude, she pulled prime Warren Beatty. Are you out of your fucking mind? Do you know how much Warren Beatty was so hot? Warren Beatty's a handsome guy. Do you know how much pussy Warren Beatty was good? Okay, I like that one.

All right, don't go to the old bag what are we doing here peters you'd still hit it dude out of respect i'm sure i would i saw on a plane once with warren baity man he was handsome oh my god i think madonna dated warren baity he pulled she pulled prime he was bugsy like i think he was also probably odine on punani who do you think is the hottest woman and man of all time? Well, of all time, that's tough. You can't do that. It's fucking... Who?

Beauty is subjective. If you had to pick for yourself. Yeah, hottest man. Oof. And hottest woman. Paul Newman's in the conversation. Yes. Look at Paul Newman.

Yes. Young Paul Newman's hot as shit. Oh, yeah. That's a good dude, Paul. Those fucking eyes? Come on, dude. It's a different era, but yeah. Different era, yeah, I guess.

Young Marlon Brando for me is... He is a hot guy. Fucking hot. Handsome hunk of junk. You're typing young Marlon Brando. Yeah, well, we're talking like... I mean... What's the fucking...

I think we did this last time. Did we? Yeah, I think so. Did we really? That's actually hysterical. I mean, Madonna. He's like... Yeah, he's very male.

Good features. That's a man right there. And a lot Madonna. He's very male. Good features. That's a man right there. And a lot of leading men back there weren't necessarily hot. They were just cool, like Bogie. Right. Bogie's a weird looking dude. He is, yeah. But he's awesome.

But it made it work. I do think Halle Berry is the most beautiful person to ever live. She's hot. She's up there. She's up there. I just don't think there's... I was watching X-Men. Young Angelina Jolie.

Yeah, that's on my top. That's top five for me. She's interesting looking. Yeah, yeah. She's beautiful, but never like... I don't know. She never quite... Dude, pull up some prime Angelina.

Oh, you can't beat... I go Angiover over Bally. Halle Berry's hot as fuck. Oh, my God. Super hot. She's fucking stunning. Actually, young Sophia Loren. Oh, that's in there.

I would say young Sophia Loren. Dude, come on in there. I would say Young Sophia Loren. Dude, come on. She was gorgeous. Are you kidding? A little too young. Before the no job, before the job, before the muscle fat removal. That is a natural beauty. That's insane that that's natural.

And she was nude in a lot of movies, too. Her kids look literally a perfect blend between Brad Pitt and her. Can't go wrong there. I'm a genius. Stunning. Wow. Almost as good as these free jeans I got from Dewar. Thank you, guys.

Hey, I'm wearing Dewar. Typing young Sophia Loren. Yeah. There you go. Alright, alright. How do we get on this? Oh, that Christian girl. How did you find her, Sam? I just, it was like going a few people sent it to me yesterday. It's just like all over the internet. I didn't even watch it though because I want to save it for this.

Cary Grant's a handsome dude, too, by the way. Yeah, but I think Mateo's issue back then is Mateo's a big body guy. And those dudes back then had shit bodies. No, not so much about the body guy, even though I just married Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, right. That's such a great picture, yeah. Manfield. Ooh, Mansfield was a dime piece.

So was fucking Mariska Hargitay, though, her daughter. Early SVU. Mariska Hargitay. I can never say her name. She's gorgeous. Beautiful face. Oh, my God, yeah. Mansfield, good name for a dime piece. So is fucking Mariska Hargitay, though, her daughter. Early SVU. Mariska Hargitay, I can never say her name. She's gorgeous. Beautiful face. Oh, my God, yeah. Mansfield,

good name for a gay bar. Hold on now. Go to Cary Grant. He's a hand... Do you know Cary Grant? He's like the George Clooney of the 40s. What is this,

a hot guy? Fuck yeah. I mean, it's a different era again, but at the pool very cute face yeah he's handsome okay he was a handsome leading and he could do comedy or drama yeah it's cognitive notorious right uh to catch a thief yes all those old flicks have a gay photo of them oh maybe he dabbled oh did he yeah oh good for him he got a lot hotter great oh dude you know what that movie uh arsenic and old lace that's like a michelle wool favorite she's it's a good old comedy he did it's funny as shit really slapstick weird i know it's a little hacky but i do think uh that emirata is very attractive i like a different look

i like a exotic kind of not a classic. I've seen her in person though. She looks a lot like and this is not taken away but a little bit like the alien in Mars Attacks. I'm okay with that. The one that walks like this.

A little bit. That was a cute alien. Look, I'm not saying I wouldn't fuck the alien. By the way, no one's funnier than Martin Short. I love Martin Short. I've been watching

Only Murders in the Building and he is so fucking funny. Have you seen Jiminy Glick? Yeah. Oh, the classic. The best. Have you seen Jiminy Glick? Oh, the best. The best. Best with his Jiminy Glick. It's so funny. I can't get enough of it.

It's ahead of its time. It's like pre-Two Ferns and all that. It's gold. You're right. Holy shit. And he was so mean to those celebrities. So mean. And they took it.

It's very Two Ferns. He shits on Seinfeld all day day and Seinfeld's on the floor. Seinfeld let him have it too. Yeah, that's true. My favorite dude was interviewing Eddie Falco and he was like, why do Italians try not to kill people? And she goes, why do Italians try not to kill people? He asked Mel Brooks, he goes, what's your big beef with the Nazis?

That's amazing. Wow. That's amazing. Fucking Mel Brooks fucking mel brooks man that alien mel brooks is we used to watch mel brooks movies all the time as a kid i love it but a young frankenstein is my favorite yeah yeah it's so good i used to imitate madeline khan the tired sick and tired of love. I had no idea what it was about, but I just was drawn to her. She's amazing.

You know she was an unbelievable opera singer? What? Go to Madeline Kahn, Glitter and Gay. It's a song. And just skip halfway through. You will not. She was hot, too. Oh, my God. She's top, top, top, top, top. Click on that one and just skip

Like three quarters of the way through She was an Unbelievable opera singer She was fully trained Like the real deal And you would never know because in that movie she was tired Right Her like Will Ferrell

I think you can be funnier when you train serious I agree He was like a Shakespearean actor Like a Leslie Nielsen Yes Well this is She made this song comedy too Now we're talking

We're talking hot Do we take in longevity Does that play a role Are we talking peak Are we talking Like Jane Fonda's got longevity I feel like She's still hot Oh Jane Fonda looks great

Sharon Stone looks great She does Pull her up Sharon Stone today looks absolutely great. I think Sofia Vergara will look the same until she dies. Probably, yeah. You know what's so fucking funny, though? Think about how deprived everyone was.

Like, the basic instincts. No Botox filler. No, no. I'm talking about, like, the scene in Basic Instincts where she does this, and she shows her beaver for, like, literally three seconds, and everyone's like, oh, my God, that's the hottest scene. And now the internet. I mean, that's, like, pg that's like i should be in a kid's film like a 18 year old's instagram post yeah it's not even like a thing anymore yeah i mean she looks great

yeah it looks great hanging in there uh fucking j-lo looks great oh j-lo that's another one she will never age you know mariah is cuckoo bananas as she is mariah looks good yeah her eye doesn't change those fucking roller skates with the short shorts in fantasy if you can pull that full i've jerked off to that poster i did a mexican tv show once called noches con platinito have either one of you done it before no i don't remember that okay well it's embarrassing but um they dressed me up like mariah in fantasy and I was rollerblading around in a wig, and they all just... And they were playing Fantasy.

I'm like, there's no way they got the rights to this music. That's the one. No, that's from Glitter. Type in Mariah Carey fantasy music video. Okay. I have J's on that poster. Sorry. Mariah is hot.

Hot, hot. Big cans, too. Big lips. Lips definitely help. Lips are good. Both of them. Ugh, I miss young Mariah Carey. Mark, who else is in the convo for you?

For women, I do like, what's her face? Salma Hayek. Gorgeous. And I like Penelope Cruz. Gorgeous. Ethan Simmons Patterson and I just saw this Italian movie with her in it. And she speaks Italian the whole film. How many languages can she act in?

She probably, I mean, she was a Spanish woman living in Italy. So every once in a while she would say something Spanish. But I'm fluent in Italian and she was A+. Wow, that's impressive. And fucking smoking hot. Yeah, beautiful. She's so good in Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Oh, is she hot in that?

I was supposed to be in that role. I auditioned. I used to joke with Liza Minnelli, because I do believe Liza Minnelli thinks that she could audition for any role. Yeah, yeah. And I would do this on Fortnite with my friends all the time. I was like, I was auditioning for Tomb Raider, and it was down to me and Angelina Jolie.

And I said, Angelina, whichever one of us gets it, it's meant to be. Natalie Portman, I know it's a hat. Oh, gorgeous. Gorgeous, gorgeous.

I saw her on Broadway as Anne Frank. Oh, that's right. She played Anne Frank. She's a Jew. Oh, I'd charge that. Is she Jewish? Yeah.

Good for her. But I just can't imagine you going to watch The Diary of Anne Frank. How old were you? I was a kid. My parents took me. Okay, yeah. I wasn't like, let's fucking do this. That's good truth.

I do love it about you that you're just like such a New Yorker that you were seeing Broadway shows when you were a kid. That's amazing. Well, that's why I remember when we were up there riffing, you didn't think I'd know that much about Broadway. I loved it. That was such a great clip. We should do it again.

We're doing it in Chicago, baby. We should do it. At least, I mean, do whatever you do at your show but at my show we're definitely doing it uh we're doing back to back in chicago i heard chicago theater both of you chicago 29 september 30th that's incredible so you guys will stay an extra day or shy town kids uh ride again i'm gonna sign the wall right under Liza Minnelli. Oh, that's great. Because I'm open for Aziz there and open for Schultz there. And so now that I'm performing there, I'm like, okay, I know that Liza's signature is on the wall.

And I'm going to sign right under Mateo Lane. Hometown boy makes good. Yeah, we were open for Aziz there together. I remember that. Oh, my God. My family doesn't know you're coming. They're going to die. Oh, you surprised them. They're obsessed with him. We'll do a fest with him

We'll do I'm pumped Yeah I get a day I got in a day Early anyway Perfect Just cause The big ones

You kinda wanna chill Yeah Also it's a great Chicago's one of the best cities It's the best Did my special there Just don't get hammered The night before

Which is so hard Cause you wanna be fresh For the show It's a drinking city It really is I grew up there It is a drinking city Do you ever drink malort yes i know it's disgusting it is disgusting i can't believe you know what that is of course they've made you try it every time for years deep dish pizza for

the first time oh wow really where we go lumonadis we got fresh people hate that people hate on it though because i always say i loved it and people were were like, fuck you, Pecklods. It turns out no one likes deep dish pizza except Chicagoans. And we're fine with it. I'm a thin crust guy for sure. That was like a that was a terrible idea. I'll tell you, man. Certain.

It'll put you out. We made the mistake. We eat way too much on my tour because I have Gary opening. So we every meal is family style. Huge. It's comical. We ended the show and, and you know we wanted to leave right after albany so we got a huge meal before middle eastern food we've been eating this shit

like hummus gassy stuff all day i'm dying veder's dying we're in pain i was like we're never eating before the show like that again but we had to leave so i get off stage i don't care for gassy people well i think i'm gonna i I'm going to die during this set. I'm downing peppermint pills. Shout out Rick Glassman. I was performing somewhere and there was Pepto Bismol. I go, oh, you guys have Pepto Bismol? That was Sam Morales.

He's in the rider. Thanks, Sam. So I get off stage. I'm dead. I'm like hurting. And I collapse. I let out the biggest fart. Right as I do it, the promoter comes in.

And I'm just like, oh, boy. And then he goes, it was great working with you. I did the show for you in Wilkes-Barre. I was like, oh, yeah, I remember you. And he goes, oh, I wasn't there in person. I'm like, well, this has been a great interaction. I really killed this one. Yeah.

You just want him out so you can fart. Just leave so i can release this tension you son of a bitch i'm such a the opposite on the road i'm like i have chicken and rice and vegetables like after i do sound check and everything and then i don't eat anything and then i go on stage when i'm done i usually get a hotel 24-hour room service so i can get like chicken oh wow i gotta get that protein i know we eat way too much on my tour it's not it's and then gary blames me i'm like you're the one who fucking picks these restaurants out let me ask you guys a theater question we're all doing some theaters now yeah

does yours come with a runner some do what do you mean a runner every theater i go to they're like this is bob your honor this is sheila your honor go? Yeah. Some do, some don't. You're paying for that, by the way. You are? I cut it out because I've never used them. So I'm like, I'll just get Uber Eats. We got coffee in the venue. Every venue has coffee. Yeah.

The coffee machine. My rider, what's on your rider? Like in the green room, what do you want? Let's hear it. Let's do our riders here. Immunity shots, because you get someone scratching your throat in a different city. You just look at those ginger. What do you...

Like ginger, lemon. Oh, I can't ask for that. That's clever. I like those. I get bodega cat whiskey, obviously. Nice. I get vermouth, the maraschino cherries, the bitters. I want to make a Manhattan.

We have... I get a couple bottles of natural wine just so everyone can get wine drunk after the shows I like having some wine You drink on the road? After the shows How do you guys You guys look great You guys don't seem to shovel

How? I had three vodka sodas on Friday And I'm still recovering On my tour we play basketball every day Gary and James will do weights Brian and I We play, we play, I play, on my tour, we play basketball every day. Gary and James will, like, do weights. Brian and I, we play pickup ball. And then, you know, we do some light. I'll do, like, pull-ups or some shit just to, like, feel something.

But, yeah, I don't. Plus, they're sober, so that kind of helps. Yeah, Vitor doesn't. Although, Vitor had a couple drinks with me the other night. Good for Vitor. I'm breaking his ass. Because I'll get Gary by lying about a bottle being, like, old. I'll be like, this is, like, a $500 bottle of wine. He'll be like, fuck. And then I'll try it. I'll be like by lying about a bottle Being like old I'll be like this is like a $500 bottle of wine

I'll be like fuck and then I'll try it I'll be like $30 Got you to drink it pussy It's $8 Mine's like peanut butter and bread And a thing of fruit And like coffee, water And sugar free Red Bull

Michelle Wolf gave me that tip Because when you're doing a club or something Or liketo-back shows and you're exhausted for that next show I tech because I was like who tours more than Michelle yeah so I said what the fuck we do you do she's in Europe what do you mean I know she's touring now but this is years ago I remember I was doing like a weekend at I think wise guys and you know she was doing like her 15th show at comedy works or something so I like texted her I said how do you have the energy to do it she goes sugar-free ragbo i was like okay so i put over coffee is sugar-free does it work you jolt i just take three sips three or four sips before my second show we we were sponsored by monster energy on my last tour and it was like i had so i had to have it by cancer

it took so much energy not to shit on it every night I mean I would and then we'd just clip up I'd be like this is good

and they'd be like that'd be the one I wonder if the container store wrote back I went in on them this is big I'm trying to let them know

that they're awful he's fighting with the container store right now I do like the container store the worst business is other people trying to get a reaction oh really well because I take it back fuck the container store right now i do like the container store the worst bit worst business use other people trying to get a reaction oh really well because i take it back fuck the

container store i spent all this fucking i think we got we ordered stuff for them today actually i well they have the alpha shelving right so i order all this it takes that takes forever it's super expensive and then you're like okay come deliver it on this day well they miss the delivery day then they miss the next delivery day then they're, well, we then they're coming and they go, is it a walk up? Like, yeah, they go, well, you didn't tell us. So we have to choose another day. Like it's Manhattan. Then they finally come.

They bring it right. And then they're supposed to install it today. So I get everything out of my closets and I've got these giant bags. You can't walk in my apartment. Yeah. And it's a New York apartment. I can't fucking move. And they say, you know, we're coming between 11 and 5 so we're i'm just sitting at

home all day because i cut out my day i'm like i have to wait for this guy it's like the cable guy and right and then i finally call them and they're like we're not coming and i go what do you mean like our delivery guy says they don't have that i'm like but we're both holding the same confirmation yeah god so it's like now my apartment is completely trashed. I got to go to Australia in four fucking days. I just wanted this fucking I'm spent all this fucking money. So I was like, I wonder what would happen if I just. We're also never we're never home.

Right. So when people fuck us on like we have a very small window. Yes. Yes. For two days and half my day is sitting at home with shit all around while i'm waiting for the containers what uh have you gotten a response from them yet because you got a big following here i used to work there so i got fired he got really there's some beef here that's damn yeah you know what working for them was a nightmare because they're like a fucking

cult i remember like walking in they sat all the employees down and then they show a projection of a picture of the president of the company. Not a video. A picture that we had to stare at while they played a tape of him saying, I love my employees. It felt like the Simpsons. I was just going to say that. Holy shit. Homer, that does not look like the leader. Holy shit.

Can you do all the Simpsons? I can do a good amount. I can do Moe. I can do Moe. I can do Moe's Tavern. What's going on, Moe? Oh, Bernie. Hey. Mr. Burns.

And I can do his Smithies. Wow. Hidden Taylor. My favorite is I can't do Homer very well, but I love when he was like Damn you God Damn you That's not God That's a waffle part

Left up there two weeks ago I know I shouldn't eat thou You don't really do impressions on stage There it is I know Sometimes I do I can do Ralph What is Ralph saying?

It's Homer This is fucking incredible Yeah But the thing is uh i do do it like when my special people kept being like i love your impressions like impressions i'm like oh but i think because i think i naturally do voices like i do a michelle wolf impression of my special and people were like we love your impression of michelle did she like it oh michelle i the second because what happened we watched the British Bake Off? There was a woman with no hand. And so Michelle and I

kept texting each other like every week, like, are they going to bring up the hand or not? British hand off. They never brought it up. And so finally one day was the final episode.

I'm sitting and watching and I just unprovoked I get a text from Michelle Wolf. I open it up. It's a voice message. What happened to the hand? I have to know. By the way, I love the British Bake Off because it's like everyone's just chill.

So chill. You watch American cooking shows. Everyone's so fucking damaged. I'm like, you're making bronzino. Calm the fuck down. This is what I say. I was like, in American shows, I'm just doing my old bits, but it's like in American shows, you're defined by what horrible thing happened to you.

Yeah. If you've had cancer, you're just cancer girl, you know, and then the British Bake Off. That's a girl. Worst superhero ever. Yeah. And it's like you have to choose. They're making you pit them against each other. So it's like cancer girl versus like Iraq veteran. Yeah. I'm like, fuck, I feel terrible having to choose. You watch Chopped. It's just a sad off. It's like my son died of leukemia. Here's my here's my pen. I got defra's just a sad off. It's like, my son died of leukemia. Here's my penne. I got defrauded by a bank loan.

I lost my restaurant in 9-11. And now you have 15 minutes to make an apple pie. Go. And your only ingredients are duct tape and an eel. Go. They're just panicking. I just got back from Epstein's Island. Here's my trout.

Yeah, it's crazy. It's a crazy show. But but yeah you're right the bake-off is just fun it's like lesbians making bread and then oh they're so polite like we're sorry mark your bread isn't good enough yeah there's an old lady i just want to say um oh no my favorites will be like um if anyone's finished could you please help me? I haven't finished yet. Right. I'm coming over. Yeah. They start helping each other. You're like, the fuck?

Yeah. There's no beeping, too. Like, ah, Nadia. When Nadia won, I sobbed. I could not breathe. I was crying so hard. Who's the guy with the nice eyes? People tell you, you can't do it.

You can't do it. That's the guy. He's the judge. Low's fucking icy. He's a saw Hollywood. Yeah's the guy. He's the judge. Low's fucking icy eyes. He's a Paul Hollywood. Yeah. Paul Hollywood.

I feel like there's a lot of housewives at home like, oh, Paul Hollywood can rape my quiche any day. I think he's just got awesome eyes. He's got very good eyes. The hair, the salt and pep eyes. Is that young Paul Hollywood? Look. Oh, yeah. Whoa.

He looks like Stephen Baldwin. Well, he is Greek, and he does Hollywood? Look. Oh, yeah. Whoa. He looks like Stephen Baldwin. Well, he is Greek, and he does look very, very, very Greek. Yeah, it is weird. He does kind of a vibe of like if Guy Fieri was James Bond. Oh, that's a tweet. You got to get that out of the world. I'll tell you. Look at that guy.

Don't do it now. No, no, no. I got peeves. We got to do peeves, too. Oh, fuck. I forgot about peeves. Yeah, yeah. He's a hunk.

But my point is, if you watch The American, they fuck up their turkey dinner, and they're like, beep, beep, beep, beep. But this show, there's no cursing at all. And then there's a garden outside. And their B-roll is like of a baby lamb eating grass. Yes, yes. It's just so not what you would think. Man, Paul, I was smoking hot.

I'm telling you. You ever see people in the older- Why is he not anymore? Is it because he's just a little heavier no he's i mean he's good looking now but i'm just saying when you look at someone when they're 21 you're like damn sure but i do ever see people like in their 50s or 60s and they have a certain attitude towards like women or waitresses and stuff and it's like oh you were i forget you're like they're a creep but i'm like oh you were hot when you were young oh yeah and you don't know that you're not that anymore right it's like when morgan fairchild flips out on you're like oh you used to have everyone nice to you but now you're not hot not morgan fairchild she was hot mark you are such a

she was hot really the fact that mark knows morgan i know she is what are you talking about really yeah oh my god i thought she was just well of. Well, she was on TJ Hooker. She was on Baywatch. I love you so much. It was a weird poll, but of course I know who it is. Well, I needed someone who used to be hot who now looks like, you know, a televangelist. No, but I know what you mean, though. No, Mateo's right, though.

It is. The 700 Club. Yes. That lady with the pink hair. That's her. But look at that. Come on. You're right.

People who like, I'll be honest, I feel like New York City is kind of like that. New York City is like a hot chick that isn't quite as hot, but it's still a fucking asshole. It's like so much of the city is like, deal with it. LA too has a little of that. LA was hot. The noise is nonstop here.

Everything's working. The rent is jacked up. Yeah, you're right. And it's like, hey, what? Not everyone wants to fuck you anymore yeah we're going to nashville nashville austin i just can't get over them all the people in mark's rolodex he throws morgan fair i think it was a good bull it was too easy i'm trying to be a little more original here pam anderson's having kind of a moment too he's She's back. She's back in a big way. Oh, yeah. She's doing great.

She wrote a book, the documentary. Yeah, but... She's a televangelist. Look at me. Look at that. Mark, you are... Holy, that's not her. No, okay, wait.

Who is that woman on the right, though? Let me just say this. Because that woman... That was the last one. Who the hell is that? I didn't even... I had no reaction anymore. She's a... Knott you are oh my god yeah look you are not kidding holy shit yeah i will not be getting

hard tonight yeah all right i used to see her on infomercials all the time and as a kid i was like why does she feel like she looks so uncomfortable example someone who couldn't stop they just kept going with the surgery and it's it's ruined i heard that could happen if you get too much hair too oh no i just want more hair you look great i thanks i don't think that like hair it's really not that much more but you know let me just say we're flying through this but i had a thing you talk about um fucking madeline khan singing opera you know who else sang opera jim jeffries really the comedian jim jeffries can sing opera on his uh throat and had to quit well you could get them oh my god can you imagine he's doing fucking he's doing this beautiful song and then he's like yeah you're you cunts Right, so listen up, you.

I guess there's no footage of him singing. I love Jim. His next song is going to be a really great song. Yes, sir. I bet he was like a, he must have been a tenor. He's so funny. Yeah, funny guy. All right, sorry.

I shouldn't have brought it up because I thought. He got hair plugs. Yeah, he did. And they look pretty good. Yeah good I think Joel McHale great plugs Jimmy Kimmel, Seth MacFarlane Jimmy Kimmel are you supposed to do this

are you supposed to just out all these people what are we outing well I don't know it's obvious when your hairline's been sliding up and down your forehead and suddenly it's solidified I wouldirline's been sliding up and down your forehead. Exactly. And suddenly it solidifies. I would not have noticed with you that you needed it. I didn't either. Because I disguised it so well.

I actually, in my year post-op with my doctor, he showed me pictures of my hairline before, and I was actually shocked how little of hair I had. Really? Yeah. Wow. I really was quite, I was like, whoa. Like, I couldn't believe it. Wow, yeah, the photos will get you.

You pull up Seth MacFarlane or Elon Musk, it's wild. Yeah, Seth MacFarlane got hair transplants, I believe, by the same guy that I... Oh, really? I have no way to prove that. I just assume because he's in New York. Give me an old photo of old MacFar. Oh, no, I'm thinking of someone else. Never mind, not Seth MacFarlane.

I remember seeing something weird going on with him when I did at travolta too yeah it's going back but you see when it's that perfect line like that that's always a giveaway right young travolta what do you think oh stunning stunning the butt chin look at musk though i mean come on that's bananas where is he he looks like a different person holy Holy shit. Yeah, he does. He looks more alien there. He does. Even though he hadn't been to space yet. What was he doing in the first picture? Was he in the Matrix?

What is going on in that photo? He looks like he's a fucking chipmunk or something. He looks adorable. Let's not say things we can't take back, Sam. I don't think he looks adorable. Well, adorable like a child, not handsome. I love to take back the nice thing. Hey, let's not say things you can't take back.

You complimented that guy. I'm never going to get over Morgan Fairchild. I'm going to laugh about that. She was on Friends. She was on like a lot of shit. She was on Friends? Oh, yeah. She had a run.

I don't know. Hot chick? Hot milf? I think Chandler's hot mom. That is the thing is like, you know, you do feel for people who get rewarded only for their looks. And then you age. I don't feel for them. They were blessed with beautiful looks.

Yeah, I guess you're right. And develop a personality to go alongside that and you'll have longevity. I agree. I agree. Like really, Sofia Vergara is doing it right. Like she's stunning and everyone wants to hire her. She's a great guest on TV shows. She's funny. She's smart. Likeara is doing it right. Like, she's stunning, and everyone wants to hire her. She's a great guest on TV shows. She's funny.

She's smart. Like, she's doing it right. Very attractive. Did he have his hair done? Yeah, I believe he did. Really? I think he just drew it now. Oh, I'm thinking of, no, Jimmy Kimmel had his hair done.

I don't know if Fallon did. Oh, Brian Frazier went all in. I don't think Fallon has. Really? I don't know. He doesn't. You think Fallon would come on here? I think he's busy.

He's busy, but I feel like he'd be a good. Is he busy? What is he doing? Oh, yeah. There's nothing going on right now. I forgot.

Let's try to get Fallon on here. I would love to have Fallon. And Fortune Feimster just had him on her podcast. Let's slide into his DMs. He would be a great drinking guest. No shit.

Good stories. We'd have to cancel the show. I sat behind him. I know. I sat behind him in a Rangers game once, and he was so fucking cool. Great guy. He seems nice. Yeah, he's a very nice guy.

Matt Damon. I had dinner with Matt Damon once at the Cellar. Whoa. What? He came to see Tom Papa's show, and they loved me. And when I walked in, they were like, come sit with us. And I was so uncomfortable. We had dinner.

He was a little tipsy, but having a good time with his wife. And then they came downstairs to watch me at McDougal And they wanted like And I was like What is going on? Is there a picture? Yeah there's still a picture Of us all at the table together

I love it I have my dumb hat on And Tom Pop is there And That's great That's one of the fun things About the cellar You can really meet some people

I doubt it will show up But if it does I'd be blown away You gotta get that puppy On Instagram I have the picture show up but if it does I'd be blown away you gotta get that puppy on Instagram I have the picture somewhere I can find it Matt Damon would you? yeah

he goes night and day for me sometimes I'm like man that's a good looking guy definitely younger Matt Damon he's like an actor he shifts his body I don't want to fuck Christian Bale in the machinist, but. Oh, yeah. It's pretty good.

American seems really stressful. I can't tell if he's gorgeous or odd. Look like he's pretty handsome. Really? I mean, what do I know? He's not handsome. No, he is. But I like that the straight guys are fighting for him.

What the hell? Pull him up in American Psycho. He's ridiculous. He's handsome. No lips, really. No. I don't have big lips either, but I have more lips than that. I thought he was like the prototype for a hunk.

Yeah, he's ripped in that movie. But that's exciting. We're both doing Chicago back to back. That's going to be great. Go Cubs. Go White Sox. Sorry. Not the Cubs.

All right. Wrigley Field is just. I love Wrigley Field. Oh... I love Wrigley Field. Oh, I've never been. Field of Hep C. I gotta go there. You have to go there? It's historic. It's a great field. Where a construction hat might fall on you. Dang. Wow. I'm throwing shade at your own team. You know what's funny? As I grew up,

my family's all Southside, White Sox, Chicago fans, and so I don't even like sports. I could give a shit about the cubs or the white socks but i just hear the cubs i'm like oh because i've been to those cubs games and just trash just and i'm not like kamiski was any better or whatever it's u.s cellular or i don't know a cricket now but um it's uh they it just it's too it's very yuppie oh got, got it, got it. Okay. And it's right next to Boys Town.

I think they call it North Halstead now, but the gay area of Chicago. And so when the games would get out, it was like a flood of straight dudes coming out of the gay streets. And we were like, dah, go away. There wasn't a little bit like, eh, he's all right. None of it. But you know what's funny? For Halloween once, my friends and I went dressed as the First Wives Club. Ah, yes.

And when we were walking through Wrigleyville, all the straight guys were like, Are you guys Hillary Clinton or something? The second we, literally, we walk one street over, we go into Boys Town, and they're like, And we went in a costume at a lesbian bar. Which one were you? I was Bette Midler, of course. It was Bette Midler, Diane Keaton, and Goldie Hawn. Goldie Hawn, wow. You don't own me. Goldie Hawn. Goldie Hawn. Goldie Hawn, wow, yeah.

You don't own me. Goldie Hawn was hot in her day. Stunning. Stunning. That's a funny movie. It doesn't look bad now, actually. It's a good movie. And the ending, we did the whole white dress, and we did the dance and everything.

What's the deal with Bette? To me, Bette is just a... Hold on. To me, Bette's just like a poor man's Babs. No, Bette is completely different than Streisand. Oh, okay. Streisand's very like, now I'm going to sing a song, and you're going to enjoy it, and then I'm going to direct. And I am this.

I want to live in Malibu and look at my flowers. You know, Bette Midler is like an actress. She's a dancer. She's an entertainer.ler is like an actress she's a dancer she's an entertainer barbara's an actress she's funny girl she's in that bogdanovich movie yeah man she's done a lot more acting than barbara barbara's a great actress but she she's done a lot she's done a lot more but i mean singer barbara's beyond better yeah all right but bett midler's an entertainer and uh she got started what's's a good comp for Bette Midler? What do you mean?

Like someone else similar. Oh, someone comparable. I mean, she's a little like. And what's her big hit? Did she have a big hit? Oh, my God. You ever know. Oh, geez. Of course.

That's a classic. You should know that from Seinfeld. I know. You are so freaking talented. She was great in Seinfeld. Yeah. She was great in Seinfeld. But, yeah, I would say Barbara's more of a singer, director.

Beth's more of an entertainer. Got it. Got it. Okay. Okay. Although Barbara would tell you, she's like, I wanted to be an actress when I was younger. What's the movie she's in with Ryan O'Neill? The Bogdanovich one?

Pull that. You know what I'm talking about? Barbara Streisand? Maybe Bernadette Peters. And the pussycat? Yeah. Something in the... Oh, no.

What's up, Doc? What's up, Doc? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Barbara was... And Barbara at What's Up, Doc was hot. She had the long, straight hair. So hot. So hot.

She was very good looking. Her husband's nothing to sneeze at either. Brolin? No, Brolin's hot. Okay, we're getting somewhere. She looks kind of like Jennifer Aniston. Oh? Oh, shit, yeah.

There's a bit of a Jennifer Aniston-ness about her. I love her so much. If you AI'd her to look more Jewish, like Jewish AI on Aniston. My favorite thing that Streisand said is she did this concert in Central Park in 1969. It was 200,000 people showed up. Wow. She walks out, and everyone's screaming. She's so New York.

She goes, I haven't done nothing yet is she brooklyn brooklyn oh my god i love it absolutely brooklyn brooklyn brooklyn brooklyn what broke strisand what was like the thing that barbara strisand i'm glad you asked me this question so barbara strisand she was dirt poor dad died when she was 14 months old she had to live in a a one bedroom with her grandparents her brother her mother she slept on a cot and uh when she graduated high school she wanted to become an actress and a singer so she brought this cot with her she carried around she slept in six different apartments one of them was a piano studio every night wow for an apartment wow she had all these keys and she would say in different

places every night and she's saying in the village at a place called the bonsoir where she opened for phyllis diller and uh holy shit was the one to be like everyone should watch her and uh were they were they tight till the end oh yeah oh yeah they were tight to the end i don't know phyllis diller's act at all i I don't either. I feel bad about it. Fucking hysterical. A lot of I'm ugly, I'm unfuckable kind of stuff. She's on the wall. I mean, yes and no, but like she really, you should look at old Phyllis Diller.

I've seen her on panel and it's great. Yeah, on panel she's fucking, I've seen that stuff. I mean, you in particular, it's joke after joke after joke. She does the thing where she roasts. What am I, chopped liver here? I like jokes. No, you know what I mean, but it's like she does the whole thing where she roasts Phyllis Diller mother-in-law type in.

Mother-in-law. And it's just 20 minutes. And how she memorized it, I have no idea. No, not that one. Scroll down a little bit. Oh, with Lucille Ball. That's fun. Fat jokes.

Try that one. Fat jokes. Here we go. This is a tough set if the mother-in-law ever comes to Lucille Ball That's fun Fat jokes Try that one Fat jokes Here we go This is a tough set If the mother-in-law Ever comes to the show That's true That's great

You gotta have a million of those That was in a minute and a half I know And the whole thing is that Yeah How many jokes did she write Then memorize Love it

You know what I mean To go through That's like Damn Did her and Joan Butthead No loved each other Oh I loved that

Not only that Phyllis sat in the front row of all of joan's shows when she started and laughed louder than anybody and they stayed friends till the end to the very end joan was one of the last people to have like a lunch with her right did you know joan no i was like i literally was a new face it was like 12 years ago or something and she died and it was i was devastated because she's my number one My number fucking one The doc on her was so good

So good It's funny to people like Lizzo's fat shaming You just want to show them this And be like can we all lighten up It's alright it's a joke It was also 1977 You know what I mean We're laughing

We're also laughing because we like laughing he's laughing we're also laughing because we like the jokes yeah I think like we're not like haha fat people we're like that was clever

it's clever it's smart do you think that audiences I've noticed over the past year and a half that like audiences are laughing

at not controversial things but things they would not have laughed at three years ago definitely don't say this don't say say that, don't do this. And now it's like audiences are kind of craving

to not feel like they have to be on their best behavior. Yeah, I don't know what flipped it, but something has shifted for sure. I don't know what it was. I try to pinpoint when it happened, but I notice retard is out a lot more. You hearing that? So we can bleep it, but I'm hearing it at the cellar all the time. I cellar all the time i wouldn't have heard that a year ago i think mark's right i think there's less

gasping yeah there's a period of gasps and you're like guys come i mean look it's occasionally you hear it we're also spoiled because we're on the road right we have our people come out but there'll be i'll be at the cellar occasionally and i'll be shocked at something like i'm like is this really not hitting everyone so once in a while I'm like – I know. I know. And then you take it for your crowd and it works. You know what sucks sometimes is like 99% of the jokes I do on the road works for any audience, right?

That's why we do it at the cellar all the time. But there's certain things I know gay audiences will get. And so for like six months I was doing like five spots a night at the cellar to work out this new hour. I was just going crazy just like trying to figure it out, figure it out, figure it out. And there were these jokes, these one-liners. I'm like, no one's laughing at it. And I'm like, I know this is funny. And so I tested out my new hour at a theater in May in Tampa.

And all those jokes got the laughs, got the big laughs that no one laughed at at the cellar. Was it offensive? No, no, no. It's the gaze got it. Oh, I see laughs that no one laughed at at the cellar. Was it offensive? No, no, no. It's the gaze. Oh, I see. And I was like, oh, my God. And I literally stopped the audience and go, can I just say I knew I was right? Because there has been I've been doing these jokes for months and straight people have just stared at me like I'm a fucking ass.

Right, right. But it was so felt great. My people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you have to make sure everything works in front of every audience. Of course. Because otherwise it's you. Exactly. No, if it's like if i do a jew joke it better work in fucking memphis right you know it's like do you do a new york city joke it better work in houston

right better work everywhere yeah change the subway to the bus whatever you whatever you got to do yeah otherwise those road those road dates get fucking depressing because you're like why am i not connecting i know i know but it is a bummer you're not connecting in your depressing because you're like, why am I not connecting? I know. I know. But it is a bummer when you're not connecting in your town. Like, you're in New York and the joke isn't working. You're like, come on. I live here. Yeah, but sometimes people come. They're all foreigners.

That's true. They're all like tourists. Yeah. It's like, because I say, I have a couple jokes about New York. I say, who's a New Yorker here? And like two people clap. Isn't that weird? And I'm like, ugh.

Where are the New Yorkers? Weekdays are better than weekends oh thursday nights and sunday nights are my favorite nights to perform weekend favorite fucking awful and they're awful to go out they're awful to go to dinner i i give me a monday or a tuesday no mondays no no no i mean to go out to get dinner i want to i like i remember sean padden used to have that great joke about like weekends are for fucking rookies. Oh yeah.

Drunks. He's like, get drunk on a fucking Wednesday. And I'm like, yes, that's, I related to that bit. So,

cause it's just chill. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I prefer if I'm performing in the city, Sunday nights are my favorite.

I feel like at the best work done on a Sunday. Yes. Cause those people had a weekend probably and they still came out. They're like they want to be there. Yeah. As opposed to Saturday, they're like we got to do something. It's Saturday. Right.

There's a pressure. I hate any gig with pressure. And look, it's not like to the extent of like a New Year's or like a Christmas Eve or we need to be together. But like going out on a weekend, there is an expectation and it may not be the right reason you know yeah speaking of joan have you got i don't know if we covered this last time you were here but have you seen the red carpet uh what do you call it uh what she would do the zane people yeah it's incredible i do it did i know didn't i show you what she said about anna nicole smith last time or no? Yeah. We did this last time.

I can't remember it. She was like, the doctor said no drugs in her body, just a lot of sperm. And she's still held on to her contract with Trim Spa. She's lost an additional 80 pounds. Good for you, man. I'm like, I can't imagine saying that. I cannot imagine. I bet she was a fucking good hang, too.

I bet she was the best. Lynn Complis, we got to get her on here to talk about it. They were buddies. I think Whitney opened for her a few times. Really? Yeah. Yeah, Lynn's got a bunch of stories, really good stories, too, about Joan. Yeah.

She'd be a great guest on here. I love Lynn. She looks great. She looks great. Yeah. I saw her on the Vegas TV. You know, they have the TV piping out Vegas cellar. Yeah. Yeah, she was on there. She looked great. Yeah. I saw her on the Vegas TV. You know, they have the TV piping out Vegas. Seller.

Yeah. Yeah, she was on there. She looked amazing. I have to dip in like 10 minutes. Oh. Why don't you, before we get out of here, why don't you plug some dates? I'm trying to. Next week then?

Matt? Yeah, let's do that, right? Yeah. Great eye drops. Oh, Lumify. The best. They make, I mean, like white. Your eyes will just. Great eye drops. Oh, Lumify. The best. They make, I mean, like white. Your eyes will just be white for hours.

Okay, Lumify. Okay, that's old, so I have to change that. Oh. Look how young. Great. There we go. Woo! We got some tickets moving, folks.

Australia's cooking. I think the Melbourne's sold out now, and both cities sold out. Oh, wait till you see this theater. I hear it's amazing. It's so beautiful. It just sold out now and both cities sold out wait till you see this theater i hear it's amazing it's so it's actually just sold out i just saw the kennedy center in february wow i'm very excited about that denver i can't fucking wait that's a great you know what come see me the second show added september 29th 9 30 it's like chicago sold out why is. I need to update my fucking... What about... Did I see the Radio City or my nuts? No, but I'm doing Carnegie Hall. Oh, great room.

Built before speakers, so the acoustics are incredible. Really? Yeah. I can't wait. Legendary. I have a song surprise at the end. Uh-oh. Liza?

Yes. It's going to be so fun. Can you tell us off air who it is? Yeah yeah yeah Okay Bernadette Peters That would be amazing I have a musical guest

I'm doing MSG Theater November 4th And I have a Special musical guest Oh really R. Kelly It is

It was Mariah's Musical guest One night when I saw her Yeah Hilarious So You're in luck Yeah come see me on tour

Ladies and gents. It'll be lots of fun. Yes. Visit MateoLaneComedy.com. All right, where you at, Sambo? When does this come out again? Okay. Okay, so we got Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

That's a big venue, guys. York, PA. Toronto, another big-ass venue. Chicago Theater, September 30th. Toronto, September 21st. Where in Toronto are you going? The Meridian Hall. Meridian, oh, nice.

That's a big one, too. It's a big boy, yeah. I'm looking forward to that. Phoenix, Arizona. I love Santa's life. October 5th through 7th. Yeah, I love it. Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, Indy.

I like the Egyptian room. I've never been. It's good. I haven't either. It's a great room. I think it's still available. I had a great show there. Okay.

MSG. That's so exciting, Sam. It's a biggie. Then Australia, like you guys, I'm following your footsteps. And then we just added Vegas because of you. I'm doing the win. I did the Mirage last time. Nice.

I'm pumped to mix it up. The win was great. And then we got Tampa, and really it's Fort Myers, but it's fucking Naples. We're back, baby. We're fucking back. Revenge Tour. Cue the music. Samorelle.com slash shows.

Your guys' schedule makes me feel like I'm not working. Oh, well, thank God I'm a shit addict. Portugal. Yeah. That's so exciting. Going in like two weeks. Oh, well, thank God I'm a chef. Portugal? Yeah. That's so exciting. Going in like two weeks. Oh, my God. Good for you.

If you know anything. I'll be missing you, dude. Hold on. Back up. When is he going to Amsterdam? I know. Can we zoom out so I can see? It's all September.

Oh, because I'm going in October. I was like, oh. Oh, yeah. We link up. I'm going to be in London doing shows the exact same time Schultz is. Oh, no. I know. It's going to be fun to hang, but. I can't wait. We don't have overlapping audiences. Oh, no. I know. I mean, it'll be fun to hang, but...

I can't wait. We don't have overlapping audiences at all. Good point. We all over Europe, Netherlands, Denmark, Belgium, Germany,

Ireland, Glasgow, London. We're in London. The Manchester Academy, O2, Birmingham. Yeah, that's where I'm going. And, yeah, I don't know much

about the UK. Then we're back in Hershey, which those tickets are not moving. Michelle Wolf country right there. Oh, that's right. Tyson's, that's basically DC. Oklahoma City, Dallas. Oh, I got a hotel you got to stay at there with my man.

Oh, please. Rhode Island. Denver. Cleveland, Denver. Two at the Paramount. Nice. Yeah, I love it. Grand Junction, whatever that is.

Hartford. Concord Mobile. New Orleans. Santa Rosa. Sacramento. Omaha. MarketOmenComedy.com. Get some Bodega Cat.

Bodega Cat whiskey, folks. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. Send us packages to Gotham. Go see Mateo. Check out our specials. You got it on YouTube. Watch out. Mateo's new special. Oh, yeah. Hair Ple out all this stuff we love mateo yeah killer act go see

him and don't talk because he'll he'll tell you what the what's what crazy that i do that no i think that's standard we love you guys oh sorry oh, sorry. I'm still potting. You know the guy where they go, you're a comic. You should be able to handle it. Oh, my God. We can't. I'm handling it right now.

I'm telling you to shut the fuck up. I hate that guy. All right. Sorry, I slipped that one out. No, no, it was great. It was great. Well, we love you guys. Ended up with some Pavarotti.

Matt Peters, we love you. Peters. You know. Thank you, guys. Keep listening, guys. Do you have a bag or anything? Okay, thanks. All right, we got you a Peters! You know. Thank you, guys. Keep listening, guys. Do you have a bag or anything? Okay, thanks. All right, we got you a bag there.

Not my Chicago accent. Big. Big. much bourbon and Norman's talking shit about the fucking punk and I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous

I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her and I get down in the same way We might be true