We Might Be Drunk - Ep 144: Sal Vulcano & Winnie The One-Eyed Pug

Episode Date: September 11, 2023

Winnie joins the guys today to share some stories from living on the mean streets of Los Angeles in the 90s. Her run in with Tupac and many more great stories. Also a good friend Sal Vulcano stops by to join us for a while.  Sal is taping his new special in December at the Vic in Chicago, ticket presale goes on this week with presale code NOPRESH or on sale for the public on Friday the 15th. Go to SalVulcanoComedy.com for tickets and more info! Find out why Sal hates David Arquette and about his first Coke commercial. Come Stumble through the garden with us! Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Sal Vulcano: https://salvulcanocomedy.com/tour/ Also check out Sal on his amazing podcast with Joe DeRosa - Taste Buds! Support the show and get 20% off your 1 st order with code DRUNK at https://www.sheathunderwear.com Support the show and take $20 off your 1 st Gametime purchase. Download the Gametime app, create an account, & use code DRUNK hop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/

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Plus sheath underwear is 100% money back guarantee. That's sheathunderwear.com. Promo code DRUNK. This guy's a veteran. He's a big comedy fan. We love this guy. Get sheath underwear. Support the show. Support your show support your balls here here these are women's all right hey hey oh sorry no you go hey hey wait what's this oh you brought the dog hey i didn't even notice it.

He walked in. He didn't even say anything. Oh, my bad. I went right to the seat. You did one of the things I usually do. We were like, ugh, and you walk in. Come over? No, just flew in yesterday, went straight to spots, and I had a 10 a.m. pod.

How was that improv show? It was great, but I blew it. Why? Well, I feel bad. I didn't prepare. And it showed. Really? And it was star stud.

It was like Kreischer, Joe Coy, Whitney, Fortune Feimster, Dion Cole, Craig Robinson, Jeff Dunham. You're representing New York. What the fuck? I know. They go, do old material. You don't have to burn anything new. I said, great. I know all that.

And then I'm up there going, what's that joke from 2014? How's that end? And it went okay, but I forgot three jokes. I didn't say thank you to the improv. I blew it. Yeah, well, we don't come up there. That's true. That's true. But yeah, but you still gotta say thank you, I guess. Yeah.

Ah, the ego. I was like, I got this. It's good to have one of those every once in a while I learned my lesson but you don't want to learn your lesson on Netflix with a big shoot they fly you out you know yeah fuck I know I felt shamed but it still went

okay I just you hate to know that you forgot three jokes you know damn I know maybe they'll edit it so you look fine alright I hope so they'll probably use five minutes of it anyway, but the dog looks good. The dog is fun. Can you introduce us to your new guest? Oh, this is Winnie.

This is a lady I'm seeing's pooch, one-eyed Winnie. And lost an eye. Dude, a fucking pug with a touch of chihuahua surviving on the streets of LA. She was found. Wow. So that's why she has one eye. Because she's probably some fucking tough LA chihuahua is like, hey mama. Yeah.

Hey mamacita. Out on Skid Row doing fentanyl. And I mean, she was probably had to fight for her life. So she does, she'll be, last night she's in her bed and I just like touch her and she goes, ah, like this, like she'll snap on you. I'm like, oh, that shit doesn't go away. Yes. Where you, you know.

Flashbacks. The streets, they're in her. Well, you, Matt, that shit doesn't go away. Yes. Where you, you know. Flashbacks. So streets. They're in her. Matt, what were you just saying to me about your cat? Oh, my cat is a stray and she will only sleep in cardboard boxes. Whoa. He said his cat's a stray. He took her in and she only sleeps in cardboard boxes now.

He just said that. He's on a mic. Oh, thank you. Not right now. Oh, okay. Wow. All right. What's on a mic. Oh, thank you. Not right now. Oh, okay. Wow. All right.

What are you? What are you dressed like a special needs kid? What's going on here? I'm trying to class it up a little bit. Okay. I am Matthew. Okay.

Well, this dog's great though. Fun to literally play the thing. We just took a cab up here and she fucking loses it at rap music. She hates rap music. Really?

That's adorable. Maybe she's singing along. She probably knows Biggie. She's like an L.A. street dog. Yeah. She, she. She, she, yeah. She knows Tupac.

She goes way back. This is Suge Knight's dog. She's 16, dude. Oh, yeah. An old lady walked up to me on the street the other day and she goes, I hope I look that good when I'm 16. I was like, you won't. It means you're 112.

You'll be long dead. Yeah, exactly. Trying to be polite, but come on. I'm going to look up rap music from 16 years ago and see how she reacts to it. Oh, okay. 16 years ago. Really? 2002?

2007. Seven? See? I can't do math. All right. This is exciting. I hope she pulls out a shank And cuts somebody

She probably was getting Like held down by three dogs And getting raped And she had to just Shank her way out Yeah She got out of there Yeah

She fought her way out Good for her She's a badass Alright here we go Now make sure it's Los Angeles based Oh Get California love on

Let's see what happens Yeah That's all That's the 90s California Play it loud, too. Are we going to get demonetized right now? You got to play, what, 16 seconds they'll give you?

Wow, I forgot about the whole Mad Max thing. She's really bad. Oh, it's popping up. Uh-oh. Oh, man, the flashbacks are swirling. Remember that knife fight on Sepulveda? Yeah, she's getting a little anxious A little angsty

She needs a She was at that barbecue She needs a little treat, here Ah, this is great Ah, she'll be shitting that up in about eight minutes. Come on. She's got like no teeth. Oh, man.

She's old as shit. You love older women. Holy moly. Yeah. I think the rap thing pissed her off. I know. I think that was a bad idea. Wow.

She's like an old conservative. She's like, turn that shit off. She's burning nwa records with nancy reagan uh one eye one eye is fucking always kind of funny yeah yeah it's funny it's like you know it's like because it's badass you think of like nick fury you think of uh what's her name from kill bill daryl hannah yeah dan crunch Crenshaw. But it was like from the war, right? He was a Marine, yeah. Yeah, I mean, so it's always like a badass backstory. Yep.

And then just a little fucking pug. I know. Pull up the Men in Black dog, because that's what this reminds me of. Pugs are fucking great. Great, and great for kind of like the tongue out. I mean, it's gold. There he is. I wonder who voiced that guy, because he killed it's gold. There he is. I wonder who voiced that guy, because he killed it.

Men in Black is solid. It holds up. The first one's great. It is. Oh, yeah. The dog got a name. A or J. Rip Torn looks like a bulldog.

He does. Hey. Hey. I'm going to have to put a pee pad down She's getting moist Seeing that hot pug in a tux Dude that's the thing is she still starts shit Like I take her on a walk and

A big dog will walk by and she'll just go like And they always back down Cause she's got that street in her But the one time they call her bluff She's fucking dead She's got nothing to back it there's no teeth left i mean she can't bite she's got like one tooth yeah like that david tell bit right taffy and plus she's got a little uh little weight around the gut there i mean she's out of touch yeah out of shape out of shape she's losing it but she's cute as a button and uh i wish we

could get her on the mic. We'd hear some of these stories. I got a crazy fucking story for you. Please. Because I was in LA the week before you. I do Whitney Cummings podcast. And afterwards, we're doing spots. So she drives me to the spot.

We're on the same show. She does a phone call with Rodney Dangerfield's wife. Whoa. So she was just on the phone. They're just chatting. And Whitney's like, oh, she's the coolest Whoa. So she was, you know, they're just on the phone. They're just chatting. I was like, oh. And Whitney's like, oh, she's like the coolest person. She's like really loved him.

You could tell she really loved Rodney. And we're on the phone. And afterwards, I start doing the impression in the car. And Whitney's like, you know, she's cracking up. She's like, I didn't know you love Rodney like that. I was like, oh, I love Rodney. You know? Yeah.

No, I know you liked him. I was like, oh, no. He's like maybe my favorite, you know? Sure. And she's like, we should call her back. You should do the bits on the phone. So I start doing the impression, and know you liked him. I was like, oh, no, he's like maybe my favorite, you know? Sure. And she's like, we should call her back. You should do the bits on the phone. So I start doing the impression and she's cracking up. Oh, thank God.

I'm getting her laugh. I know, that could have gotten real sick. I'm like. Her with a rap. She's getting triggered. Wow. Oh, my God. What would be worse than fully committing to a bit and her being like, he's dead.

What the fuck is wrong with you? I know. But she was cool about it. And she was like, oh, I really loved him. I up every morning like laughing and happy he like made me so happy and it was just so cool because she is like a hot younger woman so you're like you never know but clearly the love was real sure and then i'm do i do a bit i do you know i was an ugly kid my mother never breastfed me she told me she liked me as a friend and she laughs then she goes there was another breastfeeding joke you go you know i was an ugly kid my mother she breastfed me through a straw i'll tell you it

was ugly she goes that's it i've never heard that one and then she goes i got a rodney dangerfield joke that no one has ever heard you want to hear it oh and i was like of course he's coming out of brain surgery we don't know if he's gonna make it he says before like shit i don't know like if i don't make it uh you know hello beard jew yo perfect timing and he says you know bonnie danger i'm telling a story about dangerfield's wife is telling me over the phone and she goes i uh he says to me like if i don't make it fuck like what do i do i i need my mind to be sharp and he's going into brain surgery he comes out they don't know if he's okay. And the doctor, everyone's in there.

The doctor goes, Ronnie, did you cough anything up? And he goes, yeah, 500 bucks last week to a whore. Oh my God. Everyone in the room fucking erupts in laughter. Like, can you imagine just like, it's like off the cuff. Wow.

Just like, is he dead? Yeah. It's literally like The Undertaker just like popping up, you know? Wow. Also, what a great wife. She's like, oh, the whore thing. It's a joke.

It's a joke. But good for her to roll with it. Oh, yeah. It doesn't look like Winnie. Oh, I can see it. Yeah. I can see it. Yeah, the big eyes.

They have comical faces for sure. Yeah, you know the Jay Leno Rodney story when he's in bed? Yeah, what is that again? He's laying in bed. You know, he could die at any moment. All the pipes, the tubes are all hooked up. And the wife goes, Jay, just put your finger in his hand, you know, just to let him know you're here because he couldn't respond or anything.

And he goes, Rodney. He puts the finger in his hand. He goes, Rodney, you're my favorite comic. You mean the most to me. And there's one thing I got to tell you. That's not my finger. And he said, Rodney, like a twitch. And he's like, I think he got it tell you, that's not my finger. And he said, Ronnie, like a twitch. And he's like, I think he got it.

Yeah, I heard that story. And I think Joan was in there with him too, right? I don't know, maybe. Jay Leno and Joan were both in there. Wow, what a room. Holy shit. Hot show. It's a hot hospital room.

I know, but it's a good roster. Leno was supposed to be on this L.A. show and he had to back out. I was hoping to meet him. Yeah, because I know he's a fan of yours and was supposed to be on this L.A. show, and he had to back out. I was hoping to meet him. Yeah, because I know he's a fan of yours, and I'm a huge fan of his. I want him on the pod. Oh, great. I feel like he's got, I mean, his 80s stories, I just want to hear. I remember reading his book when I was like a kid.

Remember that one, Leading With My Chin? Oh, yeah. That was a good one. That was great. Old school. He's got all the history. He stopped in front of the car. He got hit by a car during the comedy strike in the 70s or 80s.

For a guy who loves cars, he has had bad luck with cars. That's true. But I guess that comes with the obsession sometimes. He might be the toughest guy on the planet. He gets his face burned off, and then he's back at work doing jokes about it. And that's what you do. Some people are insecure. There was that one comedian who had a weird chin and got it removed and repaired.

None of us know his name. Right. Leno's got a weird chin. He's like, I'm the chin guy. Yeah. That's what you do. Have you seen the Louie and Leno fight on The Tonight Show? It was great.

Great. Can we play that? Pull it up. I think we can play that. It's Louie and Leno on The Tonight Show. But it's playful. But they go back and forth in a way where you're like i think louis kind of going at him a little bit like i got this guy and

leno's kind of like no fuck you i can still yeah i can still have fun exactly because everybody's like oh you're the the corny tonight show kind of mainstream guy but no no he had some venom in him dude you know what else we got to pull up at some point maybe on a patreon or maybe just like you know after our guest we have a special at some point? Maybe on a Patreon or maybe just like, you know, after our guest. We have a special guest coming in, not just one of your other special guests. But we could play it after. Have you ever seen Mark Summers versus Burt Reynolds? What?

No. Save that for later. Have that queued up. Let's watch the Louis one first. It shouldn't be hard to find. Louis and Leno fighting tonight. It's too long. It's later.

He's older. Louie's older? Louie's like at the peak of Louie. Yeah, it's like it was. No, no, no. It wasn't in 2002. No, I think it's later than that. It was like at that run where every time Louie did couch, you were like, you have to see this.

Yes, yes. Everything's amazing and no one cares. The cell phone. It's going to space. That's what started it, I feel like. I think that's kind of what broke him. I got it. Yeah, that was a lot.

He was huge. Also that bit in the end of the HBO special with his daughter. But why? Oh, brilliant. That was big. Brilliant joke. It's on YouTube. I'm on YouTube. You're on premium.

Oh, dude. You got to get these boomers out of here. We got to get some Asian twink to come in here and really gamer it up. Peter, find an Asian intern. Please. Make him trans. I want up. Peter, find an Asian intern. Please. Make him trans. I want a full headset, the video game chair. We just turned to Salamanca for the next episode.

It's an Asian there in the same shitty outfit. He may not be trans, but his name is Tran. Hey, there you go. I'll take it. That was pretty good. I liked it. What are we drinking today there, Fanny? Oh, well, I'll introduce it. That's pretty good. I liked it. What are we drinking today there, Fanny? Oh, well, I'll introduce it when the guest comes.

Oh, yeah. Or do you guys want to start now? We can start now. No, we'll save it for the guest. I think this is it, 2006. Oh, maybe. I think Louie's in a t-shirt. I don't think this is it.

No, this isn't it. This is not it? No. All right. It can't be that hard, but I don't want to put you out. It was a definite heat check from Louie, where Louie was murdering so much that he was like, I'm going to fuck with the host. Yes.

And he did it to Fallon, too, and they were good. Yeah. Fallon, it was a little rough because he was like, I told them not to hire you. Remember that one? Oh, that was crazy. That was one where I was like, this is kind of mean. Yeah, yeah. Because he was like, you're too cute. You were too cute.

I hated how cute you were. The girls liked you. And you're like, Louis, you're just owning up that you're a fucking asshole. I know. You know, you're a jealous, bitter guy. This is it. This is it. The most heterosexual outfit I've ever seen.

I'll say it. So he got a little zing about his outfit. He said, what'd he say? He got a real sexual outfit on. Okay. The most heterosexual outfit I've ever seen. Heterosexual. Heterosexual.

You look like a man who tried to dress himself. It is. This is it. Oh, I didn't know Leno started it a little bit. Oh, okay. This is it. Maybe this isn't it. You look like a cop.

Is it inside out? Oh, wait. Hold on. I look like we're typing the president. Well, this is my job. This is my uniform. I know. You are, by the way, you are.

Here it is. I hope I can say this without insulting you guys. You're the weirdest looking person on the president. Well, this is my job. This is my uniform. I know. You are, by the way, you are. I hear it is. I hope I can say this without insulting you. Yes. You're the weirdest looking person on the planet. Because he is weird looking. That's very good. I don't mean that as a negative. No, no, no, no.

It's just nobody. I can't describe you. It's just the fact that I have a full head of hair. Oh! Louie's like, oh, wait. I didn't know we were going here. But it's fun. Yeah.

But Louie has a great response. It's just that I just don't have to cover my chin because I'm proud of it. Woo! That's two. That's a one-two punch. Jay, if you weren't famous and you robbed a bank. This is it. And the dude was describing you to like a police catcher

he'd be like no seriously what did he look like that's a great joke nobody looks like you i can't i can't believe i'm looking at you all the time oh he's back on the ropes now how's lennon gonna get out of it and if you rob the bank what i keep the money and be happy no i say that's it they got out wow louis louis were definitely more creative oh yeah it's a tonight show audience like to me the funniest line is they'd be like no what does he really look yes but that didn't get the pop right true but it's way more clever it's a tonight show crowd full head of hair is easy not i don't say easy but it's a more clever. It's a Tonight Show crowd. Full Head of Hair is easy.

I don't want to say easy, but it's an obvious sight gag. You can see it right there. But it's fun. Yeah, the sketch art is a little more high concept, but that's Louis. But this is when you could kind of be a dick, and it was fun. It didn't feel contentious. No, no, no, not at all. And I'm sure they went backstage in the commercial like,

that was great, that was a great moment. However, the Steve Summers one was Mark Summers. Mark Summers, let me look it up. But that's a long, not at all. And I'm sure they went backstage in the commercial like, that was great. That was a great moment. However, the Steve Summers one. That's fucking great. Mark Summers. Mark Summers. Let me look it up. But that's a long, it's long. We might just want to say, let's say put a pin in that and save it for the end.

Find it now because it's going to take you a half hour to find it. That's true. Any word from the guest? I don't want to. Oh, good. Okay, but he knows he's coming. All right. All right.

Great. And he knows the floor and everything, right? Okay, God. Okay, but he knows he's coming. All right, all right, great. And he knows the floor and everything, right? Okay, good. I'll tell you, I got upgraded on the flight back. I got that laid out. They didn't fly you first class? Nah. It's fucking Netflix.

I know. Well, you know, they nickel and dime. How much did they pay you? You should have bought a first class ticket. Well, now here's the rub. You can't take it with you. That's true. But I had your voice in my head and i said i was looking

at the flight i was like oh man i'm like 38d that's an la flight six hours six and change let me look at the first class there was two available and i was 8.99 to upgrade to first class and i already paid you know 400 for the ticket or whatever it's like ah that's pricey but it's a long flight it's netflix you know they're paying pretty well fuck it i'll buy it push send this is rare for me i never do this i push purchase and then i got the email you purchased your ticket first guy all right then i get a look i check the app and it goes you've been upgraded oh and i was like well wait a minute maybe they got confused i've been upgraded i bought upgraded. I bought the ticket.

I bought the ticket on accident. I didn't need it. I got upgraded. I lost the money. I got upgraded for free. Here's how you got to look at it, though. You would have bought it anyway. I guess you're right. The upgrades are all of a dice.

What a kick in the dick. You're making enough. Here's how I look at the first class ticket. It's a lot of money. Here's how I look at it, though. You're making enough on the road. You're on the road as much as you are. You want to look at the first class ticket. It's a lot of money. Here's how I look at it, though. You're making enough on the road. You're on the road as much as you are. You want to look forward to going to work.

That's how I look at it. I look forward. When I have a first class ticket, I look forward. And this is a very new thing. I was middle seat coach for a hot decade plus. Sure, sure. And I'm 6'3". I didn't enjoy that shit.

That's hell. I'm sure that did not help my fucking neck. Right. But now i'm like fuck it i this is a work trip it's a write-off i want to i want to be excited to get on that trip right and that late flight i can lay down i'll fucking it's nice bring a book i'll watch a movie yeah yeah you're right but i couldn't help looking to 4b at the fucking coos who was reading a book and doing Sudoku and going, ah, I paid for that, bitch. I almost took a roll off her tray just because I wanted to eat it, just to get something back.

What you should do, though, is just be like, this worked out. That's how you have to look at it. I guess. Also, think about how much you got paid from fucking Netflix. Yeah. That's crazy that Netflix doesn't just get your flight i know i might just send them the bill be like here you go like play dumb there you go you guys are covering this right yeah of course okay i think that's an easy email back uh no we're not yeah i don't think

you're just gonna fucking jedi mind tricked into paying for but they should i remember back in the day doing late night sets on like cordon and they wouldn't pay for even like a coach ticket and i was like wow that's fucked up yeah because it's not but then you just like you route it with a i'd route it with like a weekend at like the punch line or something right it wasn't like a waste but i think that's crazy it's cbs but that's how much money they were hemorrhaging right that's why they're fucking not doing a late night hosting 20 million a year whoa we all just assume tv they have zillions of zillions they were emerging that much fucking money wow and they're bringing it back that i think hardwick's

gonna host no did you hear that no i think it's just that i don't think they have a host i think they're just doing at midnight oh okay oh that's right okay that's the first step before they go to full-on ai i know right they just get no host and they're like this is i watched some shows and i'm like this is fucking well tv sucks i mean look no no offense to late night we did it for years but like even conan's like i'm doing a podcast this shit's over it feels a little antiquated like who sits down and watches fallon oh here we go at 11 p.m i know you know bowl of popcorn oh who's on jwoww oh boy i can't You know, who gives a shit? Is JWoww still on?

I threw out a crazy name. I think she was on back when Louie was on that Leno. Yeah, you might be right. She got a lot of surgery. But, you know, fucking all these shows, like, I did a girl who's like, I come home and like Bravo is on. I'm like, get this shit off my TV. Oh, my lady does the same. I don't want to, like.

Cut to six months later, you're watching. No, it's been six months. I don't watch. I don't want to, like. Cut to six months later, you're watching. No, it's been six months. I don't watch. Same. There's another one where it's just like, it's called Below Deck, and it's just people yachting. Holy shit, are these motherfuckers boring. Like, this was before, this is how we got to AI.

This is literally like, we get dumb fucking uninteresting idiots with no talent. It costs us less. You don't have to pay writers. So now you're already not paying writers to have the show. I'm not saying you can't have, people like reality, but you can't deny

this is how we got here. Of course, of course. It was the end, it was the death of TV. I mean, like this, is it cake? Who the hell would do that show? I just taped an episode.

You know what's funny? I was there with, it was me and Christina P. Oh, I love P. She loves the show though because, because she has kids. It's a family show. That guy Mikey Day from SNL hosted. He's funny.

He's awesome. And also, I was making jokes. I'm like, none of these are going to make the show. Like, literally, one of them, they were like, this is a hard choice between these two. And I was like, yeah, this is harder than Kevin Spacey at a bar mitzvah. Silence. Dead silence. What?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, he was laughing. But, you know, you tell? Well, he was laughing, but you tell the crew, it was like, no. Now, you see, this is another reason why TV's dying. It's not just because of the Fallon JWoww shit. It's because comedy, that's the best joke on the show,

I guarantee it. It's a family show. I kept digging a hole. At one point, I was like, I mean, both you, you're killers. It's like choosing between Menendez brothers, you know? Oh, that's great. I kept digging a hole, and I'm're like we're not using any of these we gotta get some grip to get the footage just post that shit that'll go viral that happened to me on agt is that they cut all my funny shit and then um like like you know off set and then you're uh i had an editor like dn like twitter message me like holy shit i'm laughing my ass

off i can't believe you're like you're making jokes about muff diving and shit. Muff diving. They're like, how the hell? I'm like, yeah, they hated me. That's probably why they were like, get rid of this fucking guy. Well, we know from experience, you do these morning shows like, hello, Cincinnati or whatever at six in the morning, and you play ball and you go, yeah, thanks, Maria.

This is a beautiful city. You bomb. But if you go up and go, hey, maria this is a beautiful city you bomb but if you go up and go hey my dad molested me or queef it up whatever it is and they're like this is horrible but you sell the tickets that is the morning show playbook it's like chapter one were you molested were you not pretend you were it still hits yeah yeah they that lady hits you in the back with a clipboard like so any funny stories and you're like yeah so i was my dad was you you in the back with a clipboard like, so any funny stories? And you're like, yeah. So my dad was in the gulag and he fucked me every day or whatever it is. And they're like, well, we can't do anything.

So I'm like, but that's funny. It's also hard because I have a person who books me on this shit. And every time she's like, fuck, I can't ask them for live TV or they know you're going to fuck with them. Totally. You just have to hope it's live. Yes. Yes. It's so true. But is a cake i mean that's those are great lines they were they were incredibly talented though the people make it that's what we're talking about no talent these people are incredibly talented the back stage no the people making the oh those people are oh my

god because they're not only making a great tasting cake but it looks incredible i was like i couldn't believe like how much work that must have taken and then it's also tough because you know one of the people gets eliminated when we're on the show and your instinct is to make a joke right like this woman's crying i'm like i'm like fuck this is like their dream so i had to like pull back on a couple because i'm like i don't want to be a but i'm like i'm so close to being like i've seen that look before but you have to like pull back and don't say shit right

because she's incredibly talented and she and this is a setback for her sure sure damn those people are amazing we've been eliminated off reality shows

it sucks dude I did Last Comic Standing I made it to the semifinals I got some kind of illness H. Pylori so I'm up there and I'm like

I'm doing well and I'm like I can't remember my joke my brain was all foggy and then rosanne goes what happened you know they have to do the judges panel what happened years later you said that to her yeah what happened i was like ambient but uh she was like what happened the first set you were so good and it went well and this set you were a little off and i was like well i got aids and it killed and then they were like like the guy in the back was like what are you doing and then keenan ivory wayans said something he goes yeah this just

wasn't your best uh your best performance i go well i appreciate that damon that got a laugh but they cut all this out and i was zinging the hosts and i was like oh i felt so good like hey i was funny there even though my set sucked and they don't play any of it yeah that's the worst because those are all great lines and you're like all i have here i'm going down all i have is like you're fucking tony montana and scarface you're getting shot a million times you're just trying to take a few people with you right i mean essentially all you have is him getting shot in the back of the head that's it you don't have the cool like i'm but i went out like a g though right say hello to my little zinger. That's all you got.

And then you get shot in the face. Yeah, that's... That's... Oh, by the way, I got a hot rec for you guys. You might have seen this. I did Burr's podcast when I was in LA, and I hit him with Manhunter as a rec. And he hit... Which I love, dude.

Fuck, you love that movie. Yeah, oh yeah. But then he hits me with... I didn't know it was a John Huston movie. It's called Fat City. Fat City. It's with young Jeff Bridges. He's like 22.

He's a boxer in Stockton, California. And then we get Stacey Keach, who's like the washed up boxer. Love Keach. Dude, it's fucking good. It's a dark movie. It is not a feel good movie. Whoa. Did you watch it?

It's incredible. Oh, really? Yeah. Thank yougood movie. Whoa. Did you watch it? It's incredible. Oh, really? Yeah. Thank you. I'm in. I have never heard of this. It's heartbreaking, but it's so fucking good. Did Burt let you get a word in?

No, Bill Burr. Oh, okay. God, I think he said Burt. Yeah, Bill Burr loves movies. It sounds like one of the people in the movie. No. It sounds like a professional. Wow, I'm already in.

Just the font and the... the oh look at that picture oh dude john houston it's so cool to watch a guy like kind of near the end of his career directing because you're like oh you just know how to make a great movie yes you just know how to how to not there's none of the i've read ebert's review after and it was like some of the critics of this movie say that it's not you know there's not enough suspense he's like but that wouldn't work for a movie like this this is so real this is like it's such a gritty real movie it reminds me a little bit like a little bit of the wrestler oh but uh but it's not like it's it's a very different i mean the you know the bleakness i mean i'm not giving anything away once you start watching're like, this ain't going to be a feel-good film.

What is Fat City? Can we know what town that is? It's Stockton, California. Oh, got it, got it. Nate Diaz. And the director like that. Do you see his fight? No.

With Jake Paul? Oh, yeah, yeah. I lost some money on that one. Did you bet on Nate Diaz? Oh, don't say he hasn't seen it. Of course. I mean, he's the worst. What is this? The fucking Sops don't say he hasn't seen it of course i mean he's what is this the fucking sopranos no i've seen it i mean oh okay sorry i thought you were like i don't spoil

it no no yeah now you get two weeks my head at it you get two weeks not even two weeks not even two weeks no i've seen no i'm saying i've seen i was just shaking my head at like yeah bad fight but paul paul's underrated people go he's a youtube star underrated. People go, he's a YouTube star, Mickey Mouse Club. But no, he's a hell of a puncher. He can fight. I was just going to say about Houston, like, director at the end of their career is like, they're in don't give a fuck mode. Yes.

Criticism, critics, what their views are. Can you imagine, like, if you didn't have that inner critic in your mind, what you could create or, like, worry about what critics are going to say? Oh, yeah. You just know how to make a flick, you know? Yeah. Right. I'm all in on that. Yes. Hey to say. Oh, yeah. You just know how to make a flick, you know? Right. I'm all in on that.

Yes. Hey, Sally baby. Come on in. We're rolling. Oh, we're rolling right now? Oh, yeah. We usually do a little intro here, yeah. Hey, folks.

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Lowest price guaranteed. Love it. What's up? What's up, buddy? Good to see you, man. I got to do a live on-the-air apology. Oh, you're fine. No, you're good, man.

I was on 39th Street for 20 minutes. No, I know. I was in a cab, too. I got out and I walked with this little fucker. I didn't say it, but then I had a microphone. Oh, shit. I just jumped out of my car and ran here. Oh geez.

You let them run him? Two avenues over. I was my assistant just running and getting in the car in the middle of traffic. Wow. You know, it's just like New York. That's what we do. Explain the shirt. David Arquette ruined your life?

Oh, you don't know? I never told you that story? No, no. Oh baby. Here we go. Really? I never told you that story? No.

I love David Arquette. Oh, I hate the fucking guy. Oh shit. Really? Yeah. I hate him. I literally hate you that story? No, no. Oh, baby. Here we go. Really? I never told you that story? No. I love Dave Marquette. Oh, I hate the fucking guy. Oh, shit. Really? Yeah, I hate him. I literally hate him. Really? If I saw him, we would fight.

If I saw him, we would fight. Really? Whoa. The kids call it on sight. Can you not watch Scream? Thank you. You hate him that much? Yeah.

No, I saw Scream. Before we get into it, what are we drinking here? This is, well, for Sal, that's a stroll through the garden. For you guys, it's a stumble through the garden. Why is it a stroll? A stroll? That's not an alcohol. I'll take a stumble big time.

Yeah. I'll take a double stumble. I will say, I talked to Matt. I told him I didn't really need to drink at this hour unless you guys wanted to. I'm fine with it. But then he said, no, no big deal. But I'll tell you the morning I've had, make that a double stumble. Really?

Make that a fall flat on your fucking face in the garden. Oh, say what? I got you. No, what is the alcohol in there? Vodka. That's fine. He's coming in hot today, folks. We're coming in hot.

There we go. I like to hear it. There we go. But before we get into the story, what are the ingredients? The ingredients are hibiscus, blueberry, basil, a little bit of ginger, a little honey, everything. So basically the stroll through the garden is just everything in the garden, a little lemon, everything else, and then we add a good, healthy, very healthy dose of vodka in there.

Can we get a little bowl, one for the dog as well? A little pup bowl? Absolutely. Did you notice the dog? I did. Yeah. Tell us the David O'Kutcher. First of all, I love the new studio. Really? I haven't been notice, Doug? I did. Yeah. Tell us, David. First of all, I love the new studio. Really?

Oh, thank you. I haven't been here since you guys had the new studio. You guys really, I mean, this is an excellent, excellent job. This guy right here, Matt Peters. Killed it. That is something else. This is a nice room. Thank you, sir.

It's comfortable. It's climate controlled. It's spacious. It's stylish. I will say, your studio, a bit of a letdown. Yeah. I went down there downtown. You got a million dollars.

DeRosa is going to die soon. You might as well spruce it up a little bit, huh? Cheers. You're 100% correct. I don't know how to studio. I have a room that I turned the camera on in. I got you. You know what I'm saying? I got to be out of that place in December, so I didn't want to go too hard. Dude, this is fucking excellent. Oh, that's good.

This is delicious. I don't even taste the vodka yeah so you well theirs is the stumble through the garden yours is the stumble around the garden what does that mean it's a little stronger i want to do four on my face oh these two thought the pod was on monday and they terrified me because i was looking at my phone i look like 40 minutes later it's my fault yeah but Yeah, but this is how Salacuse is fucking with me. Matt, I'm at Chipotle taking orders. You have two minutes. Norman, missed it.

On my way. And I go, wait, we're on Thursday, I thought. I don't have that we have a pod today. Matt writes back, bad intel, good burrito. I don't know what any of this means. What the hell are you talking about? I write back, I said, Sal said August 31st. Mark, you said you were in L.A. today.

Am I missing something? Matt Salicus writes back. Dates got crossed. What? Very vague. You're like a Marine. But there's three texts to give me the we don't have a pod today. Right, right, right.

That was Monday. Yeah, yeah. That was on me. I told him we had a pod because I thought we did. I showed up with my kid. We were both there. Oh, now he's divorced. That should...

No, it's a girl I'm seeing's dog. Oh, she's at work. And I was like, I hang with the guy during the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the dog's name? Winnie. Winnie? One-eyed Winnie.

I or E? Y or I-E? W-I-N-N-I-E. Okay. Like Winnie Cooper? Yeah, dude. I know Winnie Cooper? Yeah, dude. I know Winnie Cooper. Wait, wait.

Really? Yeah. Mathematician? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Not growing pains. Yeah, no.

Wonder years. Her name is Danica McKellar. Very pretty lady. Yeah. Very pretty gal. Everyone's crushed back in the day. You got that right. I'm dying to hear this David Arquette story.

He's a piece of shit. But why is he a piece of shit? And I don't have any qualms saying that's why I made this goddamn shirt. Lay it on me, Fanny. Lay it on the storage. No, back in the day, I ended up seeing one of his exes. Oh, boy. What's that?

Courtney Cox? No, no, no. Cougar Town? No, not Courtney Cox. There he is. And I saw him at a party, and he came up to me. We had a couple of words. I didn't know him.

I had nothing against him. A couple of words. and they came up to me. We had a couple of words. I didn't know him. I had nothing against him. A couple of words. This has got to be now 2012.

Oh, wow. This goes back. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. You never heard the story? No, no. Yeah. This asshole doxed me.

What? Yes. He put my stuff up on. Because you dated a girl he used to date? Yeah. He didn't say it was because of that. He did it for another reason. What was the other reason? he used to date. Yeah, he didn't say it was because I, he did it for another reason. What was his other reason? No, no, I mean, he didn't say it was because of that, but he leaked my stuff on Twitter.

What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a psycho. I know, I know. Well, doesn't he have, he has some mental stuff, right? I don't know. He's known for it. No, that I don't know.

I don't know anything about his mental stuff. But I think he's got some, he's bipolar. No, no, no, that I have nothing about. I just have the gripe about how he did that to me. And I've literally been waiting to see him at events just so I could just go up to him. And yeah. I mean, he's a real piece of shit. Yeah, well, we got your back.

Fuck this guy. Yeah, it's not cool, man. And fuck Rosanna, too, while we're at it. No, it's not cool at all. Fuck them all. She's dead, I think. Fuck the whole family. Oh, no, she's alive.

No, I hate the whole family, actually. Yeah, well, that's crazy you can't add a celebrity doing that to another celebrity you should know you know come on also though also though uh completely fucking around you made that up yeah i'm fucking on my face in the garden right now i'm actually i'm actually i'm a big fan of his no he wrestles and this is a wrestling i'm actually i'm actually a yeah i was bummed for his ex i'm like fuck i love scream that's one of my no i love david okay and you know you know what's a rest speaking of wrestling you know it's a fucking you know it's an underrated flick with him ready to rumble with

the yeah as i'm saying he's a wrestler he actually wrestles once in a while he really sacrifices his body really yeah he's look up some of his matches he's i mean fully covered in blood oh he's bipolar yeah i don't know i made that up too i was like i was like all right i'm having fun but then you're like mental i'm like no no i don't know about the bipolar holy shit i went from like shitting on his dead transistor to like did you see you ready to rumble by the way you know someone is not going to get to the end of that story they're just

going to be like well fuck him and they dox him yes holy shit I was going to wait till the end but then I thought that and I was like let me just say that was incredible man you held that commitment I wish I thought of a better story but on the moment on the floor I think it was that was killer yeah he's actually I think he a better story, but on the moment, on the floor, I don't think it was either. No, that was killer. Yeah.

He's actually, I think he's a very, very sweet guy. I look forward to meeting him one day. Yeah. Maybe this will get back to him, and maybe he'll have a mercy on me. That's crazy, so you never met him. He's going to shit himself for the first three minutes of the story. What the hell? Holy shit.

Did I do that? Wow. Yeah. And Courtney Cox was a real piece. Yeah. Pull up the photo of her in Ace Ventura. Yeah. I feel like she doesn't get her due because she got in the Jennifer Aniston shadow.

Yeah. Yeah. She had her own thing going on. Oh, yeah. For sure. She was hot in those screen movies. She also has a rasp. And let me tell you something right now.

You can't buy a rasp. Yes. You either have it or you don't. And it's not common. Good point. I mean, look at that. Look at those shoulders, the eyes. I mean, hot tamale hot tamale yeah also she was the girl in bruce springsteen that's right video that's right that was like when she was super young right like that was

her first like before we knew her those are the years i liked she got on she got on stage with the boss wow i think that broke her like dancing in the... Dancing in the dark? Was that it? Look at that. Oh, so cute. She's another example, and I like the cocks. Wait a minute. But she's an example of too much surgery. Just let it age. All right, I'm getting doxxed. She's a beautiful woman.

LA's a fucked up place, man. It is. It is. You can't play the boss. What do call the old fucking doxes that's your yeah so it was this i mean it must have been planned right oh this is the video so he like she was cast she was cast but this is a real concert so they were duping everyone else there is that not a real concert that's a real concert it is yeah i think it's a plan false she wouldn't be she'd be shitting herself man he, he was a hunk.

So everybody there just thought that he pulled someone on stage, but he actually had ulterior motives. Oh, yeah. It's like a couple comics we know. They have plants. Wait, click on the one with the people and plants. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you later. Speaking of garden, running through the garden, who's got the plants? Let's talk about it.

He's doing the garden. Speaking of that Guns N' Roses song, The Garden. Play it at the beginning. No, The Garden. Play it at the beginning. Welcome to the garden. No. We got our kit. Guns N' Roses is fucking awesome. Some say

the best American band. I don't know about that. You know this tune. Did you ever see him in concert? No. I did. I did recently though, like five years ago. I heard he's weird now. I thought he, I didn't know what to. You know this tune. Did you ever see him in concert? No. I did. I did recently, though. Like five years ago. I heard he's weird now. I thought he... I didn't know what to expect, and he had the same exact pipes, dude. He didn't hold back.

Love it. God bless the man, yeah. Love to hear it. Yeah, he was a cute guy. Threw the N-word around quite a bit. Did he? Get out of here. In the song.

In the song. Even Slash was like... Really? What song was that? Ah, give it a goog. I can't remember this. I've heard this shit. Oh, yeah.

I kind of dipped out after they did that 10-minute song. Yeah, yeah. Remember Rain? After that, I dipped out. I liked Appetite, and then I liked Lies, Lies, Lies. Yep, yep, yep.

Yes. I have fun trivia about one of those. You know the song that says, I, lies. Yep, yep, yep. Yes. I have fun trivia about one of those. You know the song that says, I used to love her, but I had to kill her. You know? And then he goes, she's buried right in my backyard. Yeah. I found out years later he was talking about his dog.

Wow. How about that? I thought you were going to say Phil Spector wrote that line. That's crazy. Oh, you're going to play the N-word? Yeah. We'll cut this. Yeah, you're going to play the N-word? Yeah. We'll cut this. Yeah, maybe we don't play this.

Just proving my point. We believe you. Slash was black. It's okay. We didn't play the Michael Richards rant either. We just talked about it. Slash was something. Half black, half Jew, I believe.

He was exotic? Yeah. He was exotic. He was a hunk. He's in the Hanukkah song. That's the only reason I know. You know who the fuck was at my show in L.A.? I ran an hour. He was exotic. He was a hunk. He's in the Hanukkah song. That's the only reason I know. You know who the fuck was at my show in LA? I ran an hour.

The fucking Chili Peppers were at my show. Shut up. I'm not kidding. All of them? No. Speaking about the Garnet. Everyone but Flea. Wow.

And I'm kind of bummed because Flea is such a hoops guy. I feel like we would have hit it off. Oh, is he? You didn't know? No. Fucking Tom Takara's opening my show. And he was like, dude, Anthony Kiedis and all the chili peppers are in the crowd And I was like what they didn't come back. No apparently

Tom Takara's friend is out there, and he's like Anthony Kiedis is looking for a merch stand I was like I didn't bring merch And I was like what the fuck we could have gotten like someone send him a shirt Are you kidding us right now? And then he fucking docks me no he He was no he was they were at the show and i was like someone find them they're like we can't find them oh god damn it i mean did did you did you find out if he went through the agency to get tickets now i just picture anthony ketis like

literally on like you know like ticket master like all right he's like these fees are outrageous i can't believe wow it's crazy he would go to a show just because he's so famous. He went out in public. That's a weird show in L.A. Yeah. You do a show in, I guess it can happen in New York too, but L.A. is like so many people live there. Oh, you could have met Kiedis. I could have met Kiedis.

I picture him in his tighty-whities just from that concert. Kiedis. I bitched out on saying hello to him one time at an event too. Really? He was sitting right in front of me. Wow. And I just was like, that's Anthony Kiedis. What is this?

Oh, that's a shot of that. We're going to calm Sal down real quick. Oh, okay. This is a shot of this? Yes. Okay. I'm calm now. Yeah, yeah, we're all right.

Don't try to get us hammered there, dude. What is this? Oh, that's literally my job. Okay. I'm ready when you guys are. But yeah, that Kiedis, he's a fun guy. hammered there jesus oh that's literally my job okay i'm ready when you guys are but yeah that kid is he's a he's a fun guy and they've been doing this for four decades of just rocking out ironically mostly shirtless that's true do you have any actual beef still has a great thought

oh yeah do you have any actual celebrity beef um jesus do i probably not not me yeah no i can't if one doesn't come to mind immediately, I probably don't. I can make another one up if you want. I heard you and Fred Savage. Not friends. But he found out that I was with Winnie. Oh, yeah. She is a, did you know that?

She's like a, she's a published mathematician. Wow. Pull her up. She writes books about math. Because you always assume she's cute and she's in a show, so she must be an idiot. Not an idiot, but just like ditzy. Not a mathematician. Yeah, exactly.

And hot. You see that guy, Ben McKenzie? She's awesome. Ben McKenzie from the OC wrote a book shitting on crypto, and it's kind of taken off. Really? Pull it up. Yeah, but he's like the fucking hot guy from the OC. Exactly.

That's my point. You just assume they're all vapid. Yeah. So he wrote a book about pro-crypto. No, anti-crypto. He's like, this is bullshit. So the guy from the OC took it upon himself to write an anti-financial crypto book, and it's taken off.

He was an economics major. He's not a dumb guy. I think he knows economics. So he was like, I'm writing a book on this. Yeah, but if I knew about crypto you couldn't pay me enough to write a book about crypto i know right you know what i mean like what why would i look at this guy he's a hunk still yeah he could still get it oh yeah and now he's an author so you get the oc and author to back it up you've seen the oc oh yeah i used to rub one out to the

oc misha barden come on dude i don't know a thing about it. Really? Yeah. I know it took- Huge. Was that like my 90210? Yes. Yes. Exactly. Look at it. It was all hot. I got you by just a few years, but it's enough for me not to know the answer.

Well, what are you, 41? Sure. All right. All right. Yeah, they were all sexy. This drink's a problem, dude. You get us lit up in the afternoon. You're a Staten Island-

By the way, front line of the Post, Staten Island's trying to secede from New York City. Oh, boy. What's that about? That's been like that forever, though. I guess they're giving it another go. That's been since I'm a kid, they've been saying that. So what's it going to- How many years?

Yeah. I grew up in Staten Island. What does that mean? It's just not a borough? It's a borough. It's like the step kid borough. Yeah. Right.

Not even step kids. I am one. Me too. No, they've been trying to secede. I guess they just don't feel like they jive with everybody else, which the truth yeah well it's a bunch of cops and firemen i mean i went to chris d's house it's like uh virginia out there you know they're all blaring a rich man from richmond and uh they're going to town what did they say why i pay more taxes than the rest of the city oh is that right actually i don't necessarily disagree that i don't want to not

be a new yorker but like uh yeah we pay the same taxes people live in manhattan that makes sense it's like take it easy a little bit there right yeah we're in the burbs do you think you're more jersey or more brooklyn oh good question it's an amalgamation because i would say i would say more more jersey actually i would say that too but i didn't want to say it out loud yeah damn stefano is trying to lead an exodus he was trying to pull like a rogue in Austin move with all of us. He was like come to Staten Island I'm like, I'm not Going Yeah, I spot the ferry

They got they got jammed up with they got jammed up with permits and stuff like that You can't have a floating bar on that you can't just have a floating bar on the Hudson. It already has a bar on it. Yes, I understand. That's what I agree with that as well. I'm just yelling at the government. I want to start that bar. Pete Davidson, I want to start that bar.

I saw the plans for what they were trying to do, and it's amazing. Really? The plans are amazing. It's a great idea in theory. When I thought it was going to happen, I contemplated asking them if I could shoot my special on it don't fucking do that to yourself

Norman did a Tonight Show set on there which was fine because it was during COVID I would not do that shit otherwise well I thought it would be like done and the theater would be in there light it up and have the beautiful shots of it you know that's kind of my identity that boat

pretty badass I'm doing it at the Vic now shots of it. Sure. You know, that's kind of my identity, that boat. I grew up with it. Pretty badass. Yeah, but no. I'm doing it at the Vic now. Hey, the Vic! Yeah. It's me, you, Norm, and Bill Hicks. So we got a good alumni. There it is. I don't know how other people have shot there, right? Probably. Yeah. I don't know. When does this drop? I think the 12th?

2028? 10th! Oh, right on. There you go. Alright, 9-11. Tickets go on sale. Tickets go on sale the 15th, this Friday then. Is this for Netflix, YouTube, CISO, Grindr? What are we talking? It's one of a couple of those. The first Grindr special.

Maybe a couple of those you named. Okay, okay. I'm choosing between a couple things. Ooh, baby. It's not that salacious, actually. All right, all right. But no, no. So the pre-sale is the 13th and 14th.

The code's no fresh. And then 15th is on sale. No fresh. Yeah, it's December 2 actually. All right, all right. But no, no. So the pre-sale is the 13th and 14th. The code's no fresh. And then 15th is on sale. No fresh. Yeah, it's December 2nd. Saturday, December 2nd. You hear that, Kiedis? Get your fat ass over to Chicago. Yeah, I better see you guys.

I better see the peppers there. I think Chicago's a top three comedy city, probably. Easy. Yeah. It's just so good. They're just like, you eat those Midwestern people, but also it's still like a fucking city. Right, right.

You hear that, Chicago? Don't let us down. Great town. I'm at the fucking Chicago Theater September 30th, so come the fuck out. I don't want to jizz out of school, but Matt Rife sold out eight Chicago theaters. No offense. Like next year. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, I know. No, he's doing quite well. Quite well. There's a lot of horny milfs out there. Yeah. Yeah. Eight? That's kind of nutty. It's like 3,500 seats,fs out there. Yeah. Eight, that's kind of nutty.

It's like 3,500 seats, isn't it? That's probably a record of some kind. Well, for the record, I'll be happy with one sellout. Oh, yeah. That's terrific. Well, that's how big comedy is now. If you get one sellout, you're like, eh, I was hoping to add a show. Not in a venue that big, I'm cool with one. That's true. I know what you mean. Sometimes you're in like an 800 seater in a weird city and you're like, just one

in Knoxville. Right. You gotta take that W. I gotta tell you, it Sometimes you're in like an 800-seater in a weird city, and you're like, just one in Knoxville. Right. You got to take that W. I got to tell you, I did St. Louis last weekend. Had a blast. Which one? It's called The Factory. Yeah.

You did it? How's that backstage, though? Oh, my God. You want to live back there? Pull it up. Pull up a picture. It's not ideal for kind of like the ceilings are crazy high, but just the way they treat you, and it's so pretty looking. It's got a pageant. I think I did the pageant when i was oh okay it's like

almost like a more so a music venue yes yes so it's got that in st louis i do like when the when the upper like the mezzanine goes all the way around i love that which i think they had if i remember correctly they did have that yeah yeah but it was a little cavernous yeah it's a little cavernous but man it was beautiful beautiful sold out hot crowd but yeah the ceiling was definitely too high dude st louis i mean we've been playing there for fucking years there's something about st louis where like they drink they're fun yeah blue collar it's a sports town there's there's a lot of good shit going for it and their pizza i'm sorry it ain't that great you guys got to settle down with this provel cheese provel no i don't hate it but i'm also not like you gotta they're

so proud of it i'm like it's fine yeah they drink so they're such alcoholics that they think it's good there it is yeah i don't i tried it i didn't think anything of it no offense but um i was there about a month ago doing shows and uh i uh i busy schedule, and I needed to get some weed. And so I went. They sell it there. So I went to an official place. Yeah. I bought some weed, and I was going to take it on.

I bought the max allowance. Yeah. Wow. I'm busy. You max out. What are you, Snoop Dogg? Yeah, exactly. Jesus.

So the max allowance isn't anything crazy. It's just like they don't want to think you're a drug dealer. How do you max it out? It's not like 700 bucks there. That's a lot. Yeah, it's a lot. But you could fly back with all that. Not necessarily. Not necessarily. So I left necessarily so i left there i left there and i

i do like i lay let you and i've done it before whatever so i was like i just looked at it and i was like all right so i asked around they was like you're taking a risk but the biggest thing is that let's take it from you maybe give you a sure you know a slap on the wrist you bought it legally whatever right so i realized i bought like 25 pre-rolls and i was like if it goes to the x-ray and they see 25 things that look like 25 joints they're probably gonna take it sure so i was like you know i'm gonna do it at fedex so i went into fedex drug leader don't even know it yeah exactly i went to fedex i packed it all up i taped it i paid like 65 bucks to get it shipped overnight i get home the next day it's not there the next day it's not there the next day it's not there i call i say fedex i'm like what's going on i paid 65 bucks It's not there. The next day, it's not there. The next day, it's not there. I call.

I say, FedEx. I'm like, what's going on? I paid $65. It's not here. I'm leaving. I needed it by today. Yeah. So the guy goes, all right, I'll refund you the $65, and I'll try to get it to you tomorrow.

Okay, all right. Next morning, it comes. I get it. I open it up. Half the weed's missing. Oh, some fucking GD-having motherfucker at the FedEx plant said, what's he going to do? Complain? What's he going to do? That's pretty brilliant.

Literally, they took the best of it, and they took $350 worth. It was the only thing that was the best of it. It was medicinal, really strong stuff that they had. And basically, that was the only thing in there. And it smelled like weed. And they were like, there's probably weed in here. And if it is, I'm going to take it out. And when they saw it was all weed, they're like, I have to leave some. if it is I'm going to take it out and when they saw it was all weed they're like I have to leave some

right they take that shit back up and I got it half empty so somebody have fed it what if they were like look he's going to get arrested if it's 700 but if it's 350

it's legal so they were like yeah I'm sure they were looking out for him yeah wait Mark you pointed it out about Mitch Hedberg

because he has that famous joke yeah of like you know I said the joke yeah yeah yeah that's why I pointed at him. Thanks for the recap.

You remember when he said Mitch Hedberg had this famous joke, it goes like this and he said... Wait, do you remember when Mitch Hedberg had that famous joke? There you go. But now two things. I was so mad. I was like because there's going to be no justice. No, no. You got fucked. And I was like, I might

indict myself and just get him in trouble. What if you just checked the bag? I don't know what happened. What would they do if you checked the bag? You'd be fine. I fly with drugs all the time. They have that little, even if you have a lock on a bag, you have the TSA key. They open it.

They could probably do the same shit. I was just like, why even bother? You know, so I just did that. And I was like, this son of a bitch. I just don't know if it was on the St. Louis end or the you know my i'm thinking st louis i'm going through security coming back from calgary i did a fucking really fun show in calgary with dan soda and nick offerman at great outdoors fest at our great show i'm coming back and uh going through security the guy takes my i had a theragun with me a massage oh my god the same thing the mini the

they're so good i love it i got it babe oh dude you fucking you you exercise you're tight you put it on it really works as soon as it touches your body no matter where it is you go oh my god yeah and we're not they're not a fight they should be a sponsor because i'll fucking plug the shit out of you fucking piece of the shit send us a round of them send them around that's all you need the little ones are better too yeah but anyway i you know he takes it out he goes he goes is this a massage tool and i go it's a theragun. He goes, a gun? I was like, oh, you know what I fucking meant. Don't say gun in the

airport to me. I'm fucked now. I said it, but he reacted. Right, right. He's like, it's a Therabomb? It's a pricing gun. Oh, no! Come on! A gun's a gun. It's a caulking gun. Those things are fucking awesome. The best. By the way, I don't know if I ever talked to you about this, maybe, because I don't remember the last time, but buy yourself a pricing tag.

Go on eBay and get yourself for like six bucks, seven bucks. You get the thing that puts the plastic tags on the shirt. Yeah. You buy that yourself. And then whenever you want, whenever you buy clothes, you rip the tag off, you save it. If you're not liking it, if you don't. Oh, this is genius. Because you got to have the tags.

And you return it? And you take it back. That is brilliant. So you make up the price? That thing. No, I just put it right back on and return it. But what I started to do is now I never take, I don't take tags off clothes now. Oh, shit.

I literally don't. I don't take them off. That's like rapper shit. I just have to like make sure I wear it a bunch. It's funny you say that because I just went to Old Navy to buy some underwear and shit I forgot to pack

and I stole a shirt because I feel like, I'm paying overpriced for these underwear. I'm going to steal a shirt. You're like, Old Navy's whole thing is they're not overpriced.

Well, it wasn't my book. So I stole a shirt but I didn't realize I had the doohickey, the security beep, beep, beep thing. Oh, that's... That's big. That's big. So I'm his shirt, but I didn't realize I had the doohickey, the security beep, beep, beep thing. Oh, that's... That's big. That's big.

So I'm wearing this hoodie, and I'm buying the underwear. I'm chatting up with the lady. She had no teeth. It was in St. Louis. And then I get to the door, and it goes, boo, woo, woo, woo. And I went, oh, shit, I'm fucked. And she goes, you're good, because we had the chat up. So that's my wreck.

So I'm going to wear the shirt next time. It's got the big old white doohickey on there, and I'll wear it all over town. This is the motherfucker that talented Mr. Ripley. It's incredible. It just charms people. Yes. It's fun to wear that with it. In perpetuity now, that's on there.

But when you're walking out of the stores, you're going to be setting off the alarms. Well, I'll never go back. Any store. Oh, good point. Yeah. I never shop. You know what you should do? You should get them to accuse

you of stealing and then they call the cops they detain you and then if they're wrong that's a lawsuit that's big yeah that's big that's what they don't stop anyway you see all these videos of people just walking out i know during coke the worm out of that store with tags all over i'm a good citizen it It's literally like guys' grocery games. I know. They're just grabbing shit to take out of a fucking trademark. Supermarket Sweep. That's a great point. Let me just say this about the drugs.

I've been flying with drugs for weeks now. No one has stopped me. Okay. But I did it on accident. People give me shrooms. I throw them in my bag. I've been flying with Class A or whatever the hell it is, Class 6 drugs. Yeah, yeah.

And one time I went to Europe, and i have the same suitcase from like 1988 yeah you know it's like a suitcase and i was flying to europe and then uh the guy goes you're in big trouble they pulled me out of the line i was like oh shit what the hell turns out i have all these tylenol on my bag for the hangovers yeah it popped open and over time we're just throwing the bag around it got to a chalky powder. You're kidding me. So I have all this chalky white powder all over my bag, and they're like, you're going to jail. You're a coke smuggler.

And I'm like, no, no, sir. It's Tylenol. He's like, Tylenol. What the fuck am I, an idiot? And then one old grizzle guy came in and went, he's good. And I got out of it. That's nuts that he'll dip a hand in your luggage and just taste that right there. He's grizzled.

Because I guess they've got to make that call in the moment. Right. But who gets that job? Who's the guy that they say, come here, we need you to do Coke right now? And that's his job. Oh, so true. You know an ex-NARC guy? He just comes in.

He's like, yeah, I got thrown off the NARC force. I played too hard. Now I'm a TSA guy. And I love the guy who they always go, it's pure. Who's the guy who knows the difference between pure and unpure Coke with one taste? That guy's got a fucking coke problem. Where do I apply? He's like, it's extra strength, but he's fine.

What about your clothing, though? If you have just chalky white disintegrated Tylenol forever in there, and you're pulling clothes in and out of there. I rarely wear black for that reason. Okay. So I could get a new suitcase, but fuck that. Isn't your suitcase just unsanitary? Yeah.

You wear the same underwear and just turn it inside out. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. I bought new ones at Old Navy. Yeah. Yeah. You have, if I ranked your hygiene just from what you've told me, it's subpar.

It's subpar. Not great hygiene. Not great. It's like a D. Are you a D? I wouldn't flunk you. It's not about a D. You shower a lot or no?

I go three times. I shower every three days. That's my rule. That's not a lot. What? It's fucking summer in New York, dude. Well, if you Google showering, I think it's bad for you. And if you Google Mark Norman showering, you'll get a really funny story.

Yeah, well, it's rare. And the wife hates it. My balls smell like an old coffin. You know, you could fix that. Just throw in like one extra shower here and there. Yeah, but I think it's bad for your hair, your skin. I'm telling you, the New York Times did a whole spread about this. Yeah, but they change their mind every fucking week on everything.

You go to the New York Times one week, they're like coffee is bad for you the next week they're like coffee prevents cancer right make up your fucking mind on coffee i'm telling you well the way i'm drinking coffee it's good for your natural oils in your hair thank you you know maybe even your you still need to wash your ball you're not doing any balls favors you're not doing true you gotta wash the balls no rinse if i'm gonna rinse i'm gonna do the shower i No rinse. If I'm going to rinse, I'm going to do the shower. I understand we not want to use too much soap. I don't shampoo too often. Okay.

But I just want to fucking rinse. But that's the way to do it. You don't shampoo. Oh, that's not bad. You hit those balls with a bar of soap here or there. Yeah, maybe you're right. But this could be the wet market thing. Everybody's like, it's from a wet market. It's a pangolin.

Lab leak. Just saying. I think I'm ahead of the curve. All right. wet market thing you know everybody's like it's from a wet market it's a pangolin lab leak just saying i think i'm ahead of the curve all right what are we talking about friday night that's fucking no no saturday saturday night let me tell you something about you said it was every three days wait a minute i might have my days off i showered in la that's five days ago no la was two days ago. Oh. Okay.

Well, how about this? How often do you work out? You work out a decent amount. Twice a week. No, you work out more than twice a week. Well, what are we talking? Push-ups or you talking going to the gym? Going to the gym.

Twice a week. You always shower after a workout. Yeah. I remember dating a woman a while back who just didn't shower, but she never smelled. She smelled great, naturally. Have you ever smelled me? Be honest. Come here.

Oh, God. Don't get in close. I'm just saying. No, no, no, no. Not bad. No, I wouldn't have pegged it for someone to shower three days ago. Okay. You smell pretty good.

No, I remember this girl. She would come straight from a workout class, and I'd be like, damn, she was just dry smelling good. Wow. Some people, I don't have that. I don't shower. I don't wear deodorant for eight hours. I've had women be like, dude, you got to do something.

Well, you know why you have that? Why? Because of the showering. Oh. I don't know about this. All right. I mean, look, you might be right, but I also- You just proved it.

You said the lady never showered. She never smelled. I think it depends on the person. That's true. I think there's certain- I mean, look, okay, there I also you just proved it you said the lady never showered she never smelled I think it depends on the person that's true I think there's I mean look okay there's a homeless guy in the street he never showers you're telling me that guy's fucking well this is months we're talking I was walking to the ferry yesterday you know how when it's so thick of a smell you taste it

I tasted a homeless person in the air yesterday like I literally tasted something before I smelled it that sounds like a punishment I was like oh my god I just tasted that guy it was like thick in the air thick yeah that's the worst that should be a punishment on your show i mean taste that guy yeah they should go to somalia to be like he's asian uh lives in the bronx it's a full Somalia on that motherfucker. Laid off during the, you know, just so you can tell everything about him. Pandemic, divorced. He's got Hep C.

Do you guys have peeves? We should do peeves. Oh, I got some peeves, baby. I always have peeves. By the way, my rec, the Johnny Manziel doc. You guys see that? I got an issue with it. Oh, shit.

I liked it. It's fine. It's just about him. That's not the other one. The one about, yeah. Look, it's a Netflix series where they do the untold stories. Here's my issue with some of these docs. They're just fucking fluff pieces.

Speaking of docs, fuck David Arquette. No, but I think some of these docs are not asking hard questions. It's just like fucking like, this is my, they're not asking him. It's no like, he's just like, I'm fine. And you're like, this dude. You think it glamorized him? Yes. This dude is like, clearly not fine him it's no like he's just like i'm fine and he like it glamorized him yes this dude is like clearly not fine no what the fuck is he but they made it seem like he have a part in making it because sometimes it's like they make their own and it's just really like all of this is like a a puff piece you know i watched one of the espn ones on duane wade and

his life story is incredibly interesting but he it was it was clearly like a PR. Oh, it's like, this is like, you did some bad shit here. And they'd be like, Dwayne Wade, like this many time all star. Then he had a child out of wedlock, got back with his ex.

I'm like, wow, that was a quick section. And I'm like, that's the part I kind of want to hear more about. But yeah, you know, cause he does have an interesting life and he was a great player,

but I, and the Manziel shit is interesting, but I just wish they delved. I think it should have been. It's like one of the rare instances where it should have been like more than an hour 10. Like, you know, Netflix loves to stretch a doc into like an eight hour. Right. Where you're like, we didn't need eight hours on this. True. I wanted to know more.

Yeah, yeah. But I thought it was a fun. I'm not a huge football guy. It was interesting. I was on the edge of my kids. But I just thought it could have been so much better. That's my only critique on it. Okay.

He's an interesting guy, reckless fucking player. But so good. Just naturally gifted. At that level. At that level, yeah, true. I didn't know you were into sports at all. Well, I love a doc. He's getting in.

I love a story. He's getting in like backwards through docs. Like I feel like. Also, I feel like through our friendship, I'm such a big sports guy that like i've kind of should go to the game with it yeah the next game no i'll go next year for sure i'm down i would love to no no question we're going to game let's do it i love the live thing you know it's just the oh you see they traded buehner and i'm like i don't know you know that that's too advanced for me but seinfeld reference from that's why i like UFC, though.

Because to me, the Manziel stuff, I'm like, wow, I would love to watch this guy now. So I need the backstory, which you all know. You know about the players in the NBA. When we go to a game, I will tell you literally the backstory on every player. Because to me, it's just faceless people shooting a basketball. But if I get the story, now we're cooking. I get that. I totally get it. I mean, when I go to Rangers games with games with gary veder veder is such a big hockey fan that he gives

me the backstory right that gets me well he goes in the locker room interviews i can't wait to get veder is talking about sports illustrated um reporter that's right he was so adorable i mean you see these old pictures i mean look at him at him. He's a fucking- Fucking Jordan. The perks of being a- I mean, I can't wait for his podcast about this to come out. I'm going to share this. I didn't know this was out. Look at that.

Lil Gary with John Elway. Wow. Make a wish. Phil Jackson. Wow. Look at that bowl cut. I know. I wish he had that bowl cut right now.

He doesn't have any hair. I know. Could you imagine him with the bowl cut? He'd be famous. Damn. I know. Could you imagine him with the bowl cut? He'd be famous. Damn. Lemieux. Wow. Wow.

Look at that. Cindy Crawford. Oh, there's Michael Jordan. Gary, so those of you that don't know what we're talking about, our buddy Gary Veeder's dad was a bit of a con man and would get Gary into any game he wanted using fake. This is back in the day where you could use a fake. And no one called Bill Murray.

Bill Murray! I never saw that one. He used fake credentials to get into any sporting event saying they were Sports Illustrated. Amazing. And he was a photographer. He was a reporter for Sports Illustrated. For kids.

This is a good dad, right? Is that a good dad? That's what I was just thinking. Not if you know the whole story. I'm not sure. Well, you've got to ask Gary, but i'm not even sure uh how much of what percentage of that pie chart was for him right that's my point i think the dad wanted to go to the games and he was like i got this i think it was like i need to go to this game you're a reporter yeah cancer yes it's almost like using

a little thing as a prop when they don't want to be there. I find it to be very upsetting. Like Adam Ray with Brad Williams. Deep cut. Deep cut. Hey, we're looking to get into the locker room. This is my cancer reporter son. Cancer reporter. Do you need to check his credentials? I got them for both.

Oh, CRS. Yeah, bring them in. All right. I cut you off with a pee because of the man's. Oh, Sam's got treats in his pocket. There we go. Are you dog sitting? Is this the norm now?

No, not always. But no, she's at work. So I'm like. I got to tell you. I like this position on that dog. I love this dog. It was a classic Jack Nicholson as good as it gets thing where I did not like this dog at first. She was snoring everywhere.

And within a fucking week, I'm holding her up like, look at you. You know? Yeah. It really turned around really knows how to just chill right let's I got a lot of peeps oh I got one I had a guy a friend of a friend who emailed me recently uh email heading marvel opportunity oh so I click on it I'd like you to play Loki in a YouTube series I'm making that ain't a marvel opportunity yeah that's an opportunity to work with you a guy who has two followers on youtube wow that was a loki prank is what that

was no he was like offended that i wouldn't consider it oh well i was like i don't i don't it doesn't sound right for me good luck with it and he was and he was just like well you know it's you're gonna miss out but i'm not gonna to press. And I was like, all right. That's the guy who hits on a girl at a bar and she's like, no thanks. He's like, fucking dyke. She's married. What do you want? I had a friend growing up.

He was a fucking drunk. And he went up to a girl at a bar once and he goes, let's be honest. You came here to get fucked. And she's like, no, I didn't. And he was like, oh, OK. You just have to take the L. That was his confidence level. Let's be honest.

Wow. Get fucked. okay you just have to like take the l that was his confidence level wow wow get fucked no i was gonna say i had a similar situation in right out of college i came back and uh i was i bumped into someone i knew and they were like i've been what you've been up to and i'm like oh i'm filmmaking now i'm directing commercials and stuff and i was like oh that's cool he said as a matter of fact uh in a few days i'm directing a coke coca-cola oh wow and i was like oh that's cool he said as a matter of fact uh in a few days i'm directing a coke coca-cola oh wow and i was like oh cool and they were like do you want to be in it and i was like really and he goes yeah and i go a coca-cola commercial he goes yeah coca-cola i'm like coca-cola you've given him five outs now yeah it was yes a coca-cola commercial i was like sure are you sure he goes yeah so he tells me where to go and everything and i go home and i'm

like you're never gonna believe this i ran into this guy he's been in business now he's doing commercial commercials and uh and i'm i'm in the coca-cola commercial i couldn't believe i'm like man i show up it's him with a camcorder oh no like three other people he printed out his own credentials and we're on the campus of wagner Wagner College and he doesn't even have a right to be there and he's just walking around and he has a case of his own cans of coke oh my god he hands me the coke he's like all right now like run over there and laugh and open it and stuff is this Nathan Fielder what the hell what is good like what is this I'm like this this motherfucker this isn't a coca-cola commercial so I was like, what are you? And he's wearing a badge that says, ask me about my Coca-Cola commercial.

Wow. Yeah. And so I was like. You showed up. Now I'm into it. Right. And now he's like, oh, well, now we're going to a second location. We go to his home.

Oh, my Lord. He has a pool in the yard and it's off season. And he goes, all right, I'm going to stand over here. Get into your shorts or whatever. I guess he told me. And he goes, you're going to run and jump in the air and I'm going to stand over here, get into your shorts or whatever. I guess he told me. And he goes, you're going to run and jump in the air and I'm going to throw Coca-Cola cans at you. You're going to catch him and dive into the water. It was like October.

Wow. And so I did it. And then afterwards, I'm like, hey, this is a national, this is it for Coca-Cola. They know about this. He's like, no, I'm shooting a spec commercial to send to them to see if I can. Wow. So, was this about a year ago? Well, technically, he didn't lie.

He is shooting a Coca-Cola commercial. This was in the 90s. And do you know who that person came to be? Who? That's James Murray, the guy on my show. Oh, no way. He hoodwinked me completely. Murr.

Christopher Nolan. He completely hoodwinked me. He told me he was shooting a Coca-Cola. Wow. Holy shit. Yeah. That is hilarious. To this day, I take him to task for it.

But like, son of a bitch. Took the day of my life. Also, he showed me the commercial and it looked, it was terrible. Is it online? No, I don't think so. If I could get it. He did that thing where I jumped into the pool. He reverses it and puts it forward.

Oh, yeah. That's classic. Oh, man. I was at that pool three days ago i'm not joking i believe it i know that pool it's on season yeah my uh my friend went that pool that exact pool oh schmitz gay yeah schmitz gay pool yeah why were you there yeah it's uh it's upstate as my my friend my good friend uh it's an eight and a half acre property her grandmother owns it and she made it into a production house and she rented out to places like you know actually snl's filming that probably 500 times

what what city or what uh it's uh wow that's amazing does it still say schmitz gay on the floor no but they have pictures of everybody who's been there and they have the schmitz gay thing and everything wow there's her with the camcorder yeah right damn well. Damn. Well, you were going to say something. Oh, no. This took my mind off of this classic. Classic. So her grandma owns it, and so she just has parties there. Oh, that's so cool.

Yeah. Where the hell is Eight Acres in New York City? Eight and a half. It's a... Flushing? Where... It's called the Douglas House. Oh, give that a go.

The Douglas House. Wow wow for movie and tv and stuff that's awesome there we go anthony keita's going to your show you're in the schmitz gay pool real celebrity if you're listening we will send you merch yes i see i swim in the same water as those gays it was awesome oh here's a i got a pee for you all right um oh it went away how about this the guy who goes i hope i haven't done this pee before but the guy who tries to give you something that you can't do and he gets mad at you so i had a guy to show he goes i brought you a big bottle of scotch and i was like ah i can't bring that back. I can't bring it on the plane. He's like, well, fuck me then. But I didn't ask you to do it, and I appreciate it.

What kind of scotch are we talking? How nice. It was pretty nice, I think. How was it? I can't remember. It was something I hadn't heard of. It was like, oh, maybe I have heard of it. Because the question is now, what's the level of nice that you would have checked the bag for?

If it was a Walker Blue, would you have checked the bag? Probably. I didn't even think about checking a bag. Shit, that's's a good point maybe that's what he was expecting me to do maybe also you could just be like mail it to me at the fucking cell well you could have shipped it home and got it half empty you could have done that what's scary about that is they open that shit randomly i know he must have smelled it and they oh it smelled okay yeah because when i got it it smelled it didn't smell when i first put it in right and I was like oh, yeah, that's a that's a red flag But I mean I just all days opening up boxes. It's underwear. He's like I

Mean you know you're a piece of shit or he's crafty, but one of those two he really damn I had a guy this past weekend. I was I was walking offstage and a guy is that me hey me I'm sorry. I don't know how that's happening. I is a new watch an apple watch you got this is that our kit yeah uh he hands me he says oh dude he's right in front of stage he goes hey dude i got you something he hands me three packages of pre-rolled marijuana it's five in each but it's homemade it's like it's not it's not like homemade like like it's like it's in packaging but it's not the ones you see in the store like a barcode a manufacturer date and shout out to you thank you very much i've had them i brought them home but i i have yet to smoke them because i'm a little nervous to smoke stuff that

someone handed to me that i don't know of course but let me out of them right now i'll give a plug and simultaneously i will implicate him if anything goes wrong all right it says on it gas g-a-a-s and it on the side it says grower and a shower oh so that's the name of the product which made me a little weary and then there was three kinds one was called poontang okay one was called like pix2z and one was a hybrid called the poontang pix2z and i opened it up and i i was gonna be the creative meeting i opened it up and i was going to smoke it. I'm like, I shouldn't smoke this until I find out who this person is. Who knows?

Maybe he's like, oh, I also threw in a little extra in there. I don't know. Right, right. You know what I mean? So I have it. I should have brought it. That's the type of person who would lace you. And then when you're like, dude, you fucking laced me.

He's like, bro, I hooked it up, dude. You're welcome. Who is Poon Tang? Wow. What a tag. Poon Tang. G-A-S. Damn. Okay. like bro i'm top dude you're welcome who is coon tang damn okay oh wait what is that the mark save that for the save that for the end but that's uh because it's a long clip and i showed i showed my lady it right and i was like should we should i smoke something she's looking at she turns it over and she goes what does this say a grower in the shower and i was like i just left it at that that's great i didn't want to get into it that's in the shower. And I was like, I just left it at that.

That's great. I didn't want to get into it. That's like a mom moment. Yeah, mom. I was like, yeah, I didn't say anything. And then, like, literally 10 minutes later, she's like, babe. I'm like, yeah. She goes, I Googled it. Do you know what that means?

I was like, yeah. I didn't know you were such a weed guy. You're a weed guy. Yeah, since late 2018. Yeah, well, it's better than the booze. Yeah, but it sounds like I'm more than I am. Okay. I smoke every day, but it sounds like I'm more than I am.

You don't like weed? You bought the max amount at a distillery or whatever. That's because I'm busy. I was taking weed to sleep, and I noticed my recall was slower, and I stopped that day. Cold turkey. I had a full-on panic attack taking weed in Baltimore. I woke up, and I was like, I'm going to fucking die. My life is a lie.

Does gummies have that effect? I i know i fucking hate the gummies yeah they're risky you yeah that's the problem in the beginning but now it's regulated so much if you understand your dosing amount edibles can be really really good sure they relax you to put you to sleep to get you creative like all that stuff but if you take too much it's literally it's the worst time it'll kill you i've the same experience. And when you wake up with it, because you go to bed not high, you wake up high in a dark room. It's a lot. Yeah, it's a lot. Sometimes I get so high that I'm like, how am I?

I don't think I can be a stand-up comic. Oh, the fraud syndrome. Yeah. I literally am like, there's no way I can get on stage right now ever again. That's so crazy. My jokes aren't good. I'm not good. I don't know how I did it before I got by. can get on stage right now ever again. That's like, I don't know. My jokes aren't good. I'm not good. I don't know how I did it before I got by, but I'm a high stuff.

Have a panic attack. Like I'm not able to get on stage next time. And then like, you know, that happened to me 10 times. You don't go on high, do you? No. Only two, two times in my life by accident. It was terrible, but that's so crazy. I took edibles the other night and I woke up and I was like, why sell a comedian?

I feel about myself too. And I take it where I take it where I'm like, what do you do? You're not fucking funny. I know. That's what you do. You just start looking like Larry David in the mirror. He's like, you're the best. You're going to read that book. You're going to finish the book.

So you're going to stop eating the sugar. You're going to cut that. By the way, that's my biggest fear is getting high with a parent. Oh, my God. That's when he was high with his dad right yes glaucoma oh my god my mom i would be my mom drunk is my mom weighs 80 pounds so my mom like has half a glass of chardonnay and right you know i've been thinking about doing it with him yeah no i really have just why not i mean i never have and i'm afraid that's why i haven't yet but uh i just feel like even like just a puff and just see what happens you know see like what what comes out of that right for better or worse you know the potheads who blow the smoke on their fucking dog yeah i hate those motherfuckers

let's see if he likes this shit yeah you got a dog freaking the fuck out dog's a lightweight it's a fucking dog it's never smoked weed before all right one more peeve and i'll leave you alone you ever have this guy you go uh you go you got a band-aid i cut my finger what am i a doctor i thought you might have a band-aid i love the guy who jumps to the biggest extreme profession you know like, you got a screwdriver? What am I, a fucking NASA mechanic? I'm like, NASA mechanic? This will be a little screwdriver.

I love the guy who jumps to the craziest occupation. That's a good one. It's also reasonable. Like, I'm bleeding. That's a fair idea. Yes, yes. I'm with you. You got a beer?

What is this, the Coors Brewery? No, some people keep beer in their house. I hate that guy. Yeah got a beer? What is this? The Coors Brewery? No. Some people keep beer in their house. I hate that guy. Yeah. Can I have a stick of gum? What am I, Walgreens? Yes.

No, some people have gum on them. Yes. That's the guy. Exactly. You got any toilet paper? What is this, Amazon? You think I got just toiletries laying around? I don't know.

People have toilet paper at their home, usually. But you make it feel so stupid. The more obscure, the better. Like, hey, you got a piece of tape? What am I, 3M? Yeah, I hate that guy. The guy who's always put out. Yeah. Everything you do,

they're just like, oh. It's the opposite of the guy who's like, just take it to anything you want. Yeah, it's that guy, too. A toast to that guy. Oh, I love that guy. He's like, he's got one anything. Yeah, it was that guy, too. A toast to that guy. Oh, I love that guy. He's like, he's got one shot left in a bottle of Pappy.

He's like, you have it. You have it. Take the fucking bottle. You like the painting? Take the pen. Take the pen. Take the pen. It writes upside down.

Take the pen. Look at that. That speed. There you go. I write in bed. Jack Klompas. And I have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen work. I love the moment of like, he's thinking about it.

Take the pen. This guy kills it. No, I'm not taking the pen. Real story, by the way. Oh, really? It was one of the execs. Wow. God, this actor is so good, too.

So good. That's the thing about Seinfeld. Please do me a personal favor. It would mean a lot to me. I love this. This is a classic old guy move. This is such so good, too. So good. That's the thing about Seinfeld. Please do me a personal favor. It would mean a lot to me. This is a classic old guy move. This is such a good detail. There's too much shit in the front shirt pocket. Every old guy always does that.

Thank you very much. But also, God, some of Jerry's outfits are amazing. Oh, 90s. Holy shit. Red coat. But this is such a true thing. The guy who is like, no, just take it. And then is slowly like, you just took my shit. It's such a real thing.

You had that old bit about Sinatra's, the painting. Remember that? Sinatra used to say anything you would compliment, he would just give to you. Because he's like, if you can't give something away, you don't possess it. It possesses you. It's like a very early Sam bit. But my angle was like, yeah, that's an easier credo to live by when you have hundreds of millions of dollars. You know what I mean?

Like someone's like, nice blanket. I'm like, I didn't pay my heating bill. That live by when you have hundreds of millions of dollars. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not like someone's a nice blanket. I'm like, I didn't pay my heating bill. That was my angle, you know? Right. I was like, no, no, take the beating. Really take it. Take the beating. Take the beating.

Do me a personal favor. Take this beating. No, just take it. Take the chlamydia. I want you to have it. Speaking of, I got to wreck if I may. All right. In 1968, Joe Pesci came out

with a musical album. Oh, no. You sent me this. Did I? Yeah. Okay, here it is. Sure can't sing. 68.

68? 68. Wow. Little Joe. He was, he's good. What is he, 5'2"? Wow.

This is a famous song, isn't it? Yeah, the covers. Oh. Oops. It's not great. It sounds like sped up, like Hermit's Hermit's. But it's fun that it's Pesci.

I can't wait to get a cease and desist from the toughest Italian lawyers. You think that was funny, playing his fucking music? He worked hard on those fucking songs. Didn't he have a little rap album as well? Is that true? No, that was Rodney. That was Rodney. Play the Rodney rapping.

It's fucking incredible. Have you heard rap in Rodney? I got doubles of it if anybody wants one. What? Are you kidding me? Here I am. I'm Sinatra and you're Rodney. I have two of them if you want.

You can find them. I literally see... Anytime I go to a record store on the road, it's in there. But I do have an extra if you want it. Oh, this is gold. I think we've played this before. Wow. Oh, man.

I haven't heard any rap yet. There he goes. Hey. Sweet sadditch. Wow. This is a good example of you've got to say no to some stuff. You can't say yes to everything. Well, hold on a second.

Joe Pesci does have a rap song. It's called Wise Guy. In this context, that was terrible. You lift those lyrics and give them to something like a rapper, and he says that? That's kind of clever, actually. Oh, wait. What was the lyric? He said, my eggs, I have them.

What does he say? No, steak and sex, my favorite pair. I have them both in the same way, both very rare. Oh, that's a good line. Boy, Lil Wayne, eat your heart out. But that came from the top and then made its way down to him, and it got approved, and then that whole thing had to be. Oh, backup dancers.

So many people thought that was a good idea. I know. He's like, rap, you say, all right. It's a new craze, I'll tell you. Right. Makes sense. Kids are doing it. I get the connection.

I'll tell you, hey, run DMC. How about a little respect? I prefer to walk. Oh. You know he was probably like he saw a dude, dude he's probably like drugged out a party yeah like l.o cool jane he was like you're all right kid you're all right give me some tips on this rap thing both from queens yeah there you go rodney's brooklyn i think dude i love watching rodney interviews on stern because stern is such a big fan and he tries to

go so deep and rodney's like oh my mother she was very difficult and he's like what'd you do she go I'll tell you she gave me no respect he's just doing bits I was an ugly kid dude did kids torment you I'll tell you I shared a locker with a mop I was ugly he's like but give me more and he's like oh my father he was no bargain yeah yeah I saw him on an interview and uh it was robert downey jr and howard stern and stern literally he's got robert downey jr on and all we can ask him about is how great uh thank you oh you know how great like rodney is working on back to school and he's like you know yeah you know i was very young and rodney at one point was like i don't feel like shooting today and he's like we should shoot uh we should shoot robert downey's uh scenes tomorrow and they were like oh it's not what we. And he's like, we should shoot Robert Downey's scenes tomorrow.

And they were like, oh, it's not what we have scheduled. And he's like, well, shoot them tomorrow. He had a whore he wanted to see. Oh, hilarious. So he changed the production schedule because he wanted to fuck a prostitute. It would be great if he had an autobiography come out years later. And it was like chapter two. And he's like, I was so ugly that they put me in a closet with a mop no i was getting deep with you that's like the end of big fish yeah apparently got a lot of

pedophiled a lot i don't know if that's a verb he was molested yeah molested quite a bit i said a guy would drive around the neighborhood you'd get in the car he would diddle you and then you'd get in the car, and he would diddle you, and then you'd get out of the car. Well, it wasn't that ugly a kid then. Yeah. Good point. Good point. Yeah, one more. Oh, that was all the peeves I have. Do you have any peeves, Sal? I'm sure I have a ton.

David Arquette. You have a lot of peeves. David Arquette's a peeve. Well, the guy who does, hey, you got to have a shot with me. I'm like, but I don't want a shot. That's the child. Real men sip. Yeah have a shot with me. I'm like, but I don't want a shot. That's the child. Real men sip. Yeah. The shot is over.

I'm sorry. I appreciate the gesture. Oh, sorry. That was just the beginning. Oh, I saw something. I almost bought you this thing I thought you would have liked. Oh, yes, yes. I thought you were serious.

You actually did that to me, though, when you gave me the thing. You got me this awesome. I still wear it all the time. I have a Knicks winter beanie I wear all the time. I thought you were serious. You actually did that to me, though, when you gave me the thing. You got me this awesome. I still wear it all the time. I have a Knicks winter beanie I wear all the time. I've seen the beanie. Courtesy of Sal. Yeah. If I see something I think people will like, I get it.

That's nice. But you get that person? I get that a lot. Actually, my lady does it to me all the time. She's like, oh, my God, I saw this thing and you would have liked it. I almost got it for you. And then she just continues what she was doing. I was like, why didn't you get it?

She does it to me all the time to the point now is that I hang it over my head all the time because I don't get it. Just get me the fucking thing. Don't come here and tease me. I'm going to do that with my wife. Like, oh, I almost proposed. I was thinking about proposing. I got you a wedding ring, but I didn't get it. It doesn't work because I actually did propose.

So the joke stuck. But we'll keep it moving. I like the joke. The thing is, I live on peeves, but I can't pull anything up right now. I'm a great guest today. No, you killed it. I have peeves. I might have another.

Hold on. Let me see what I got. Also, why don't you plug your Vic show one more time? December 2nd, the Vic? Yeah. It's on sale. It goes on sale the 15th, September 15 time? December 2nd. Yeah. Yeah. It's on sale. It goes on sale the 15th, September 15th, December 2nd at the Vic in Chicago. We're doing two.

And if, you know, it's a small place. Hopefully they sell out. We're also making tickets. A bunch of the tickets. Very affordable. Okay. People that, you know, haven't seen me in the past because I've been through Chicago a bunch. Sure.

And yeah. And if we go, we might add more if we do it. Also, I'm on tour completely. There's like 30 cities up there wow so everything is at yeah so i hope to see you guys there cincinnati tulsa wilkes bar i got a great pizza place for you in tulsa savannah georgia atlanta yeah macon which i'm told it's not macon it's macon okay athens georgia and then I can't read that I can't either Peoria Illinois Roxford yeah I'm everywhere man so salvocano.com

salvocanocomedy.com again but the Vic is the big one guys and it's on sale September 15 if you want the pre-sale it's September 13 to 14 the code is NOPRESH highly recommend this it's his first hour long special. Yes.

He's got some, if you haven't seen his stuff, he's got a hilarious, this is not happening story on YouTube. Oh yeah. You should watch. We love him. Go to the show.

I appreciate that. Yeah. And I'm going, we have doing the cruise again. You guys both got on the cruise. Oh, wild time. That's in January,

January 22nd to the 26th to Miami to the Bahamas. We're co-hosting with Eric Andre. Oh, that's going uh january uh january 22nd to the 26th uh to miami to the bahamas we're co-hosting with eric andre oh i think i don't know if i'm allowed to say this but uh is is this guest confirmed you told me about yeah oh you could say it wait which one are you talking about a musician we like no that was astronomical how much he wanted back can we say who it was well you can either say who it was or I can tell you what the price was. I'd rather say who it was.

I'd rather the number. Weird Al Yankovic? Yeah, we tried to get him. Is he that pricey? He's huge. I was hoping we could get him. We offered him a good amount, but he just commands more. We are announcing all of the other guests. I was hoping we could get him at... We offered him a good amount, but he just commands more. Wow.

But we are announcing all of the other guests this coming week. $3 million for five days. And there's a lot of big ones. I just don't know when this comes out. Did he decline it with a song? He's like, because I'm pricey. It was a full production. He pressed the vinyl for us.

Who'd you get? I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say, so let me not say. Okay. Tell us afterwards. I want to know. Yeah. There's a couple of big ones. One has a good synergy with us and Eric Andre.

His name rhymes with Steve-O. You got to be careful with him. Put a fucking extension cord on that guy. He'll jump off the boat. I don't know if that's announced as of this yet. I don't think I'm supposed to announce it. But, hey, we ran through the garden. I heard the whole thing is sponsored by Coca-Cola.

You got some money to throw around. All right. Well, thanks, Sal. I know you got a hard out here. Yeah, I'm good. Yeah, guys, thank you. I appreciate you guys. Thank you so much for coming. Thanks for having me on again.

That was great. Yeah, absolutely. Happy birthday again. Happy birthday. I was going to do a big thing at the end. And we're days before this guy, so. Yes. That was, I mean, I had a little surprise.

Yours was just down here? You said the day before? September. Oh, gotcha. But we know we had a surprise thing that Gary Veeder put on for me. Very small dinner

but I know this guy was out of town and Sal popped in for a second. I begged him to move it but he wouldn't move it. Yeah, he's a stubborn little fuck.

Picked up the tab too. It was a big tab. Did he really? Gary Veeder's a fucking he put a little thing But he commands you get him good meals on the road.

It's fair. It was a good meal. I walked in, and I thought I was just going to dinner with the lady friend. And we walked into some restaurant. It's Stav, Ari, Gary Veeder, Rachel Feinstein, James Webb. Oh, I didn't know it was a surprise. I actually dropped Stav off. Yeah, yeah.

I had no idea. And I wasn't even supposed to go. So I just walked in like, what the fuck? I've never had a surprise thing for you before. Did they come over to you by any chance, the waiter? Yeah, you send us a night. You all send us a little drink. They never told me you all said they never told me anything no that was like i wonder if they didn't do it yeah even stop who doesn't usually drink was like i'll drink with you whoa what was it stop gotten a groanied out what was what did you send something over i just sit around the drinks but i asked them to do it and then they said okay and then

they never came no they did they did oh. Thank you very much for that, man. Oh, that's great. What restaurant was it? It was called Vic's. It was on Great Jones, I think. Oh. Speaking of Vic's. Yeah.

You'll be there in Chicago, folks. There you go. Go see them. All right. Well, I'm sad to miss it, and I hope there's some photos. I'm going to give you guys some photos, and it's going to be great. Let's do this right now. Why not?

To Sal's special taping. Yeah, here, here. Yours was great, by the way. I watched it last week. Loved it, as usual. Thank you, sir. It's hilarious. Appreciate it.

Thank you, boys. You know, it's doing really well online. It's doing better online than on the Netflix. Meaning online. People made clips, and all these clips are hitting. The clips doing really well online. It's doing better online than on the Netflix. Meaning online. People made clips and all these clips are hitting. The clips are doing well online. That's how it goes these days. Apparently, yeah. And I think our group, our generation of fans is a little younger,

so they go online before watching a full hour. I don't know. But, yeah, it's doing well and we're all doing great. We're in a great spot. Life is good, man. Soak it in. Let's soak it in. We love you. Soak love you and uh thank you thank you very much thank you boys thank you hey we were gonna watch this anyway we didn't we don't want to cheat you this clip so this is a long clip by the way but it builds right to it here okay no but it goes on for a while oh okay but let's see it i've never

seen this so uh this is carson is it carson no it's Carson or Lennon? No, it's Lennon, I believe. With Lennon, and it's Burt Reynolds is paneling. Burt Reynolds was the first guest. Mark Summers was the second guest. Speaking of alpha-ing. This is like two alphas. Two dudes. I think Burt Reynolds comes off like a bit of a dick here.

Okay. And Mark Summers is just trying to roll with it. And I think he – it's incredibly uncomfortable television. Oh, I can't wait. And made kids dive into it, which was really great. Gee, I wish I'd seen that. Pretty good. You make the kids.

I mean, you force the child. You hold the child's head under the baked beans and then throw them out. I love Double Dare. So this whole TV thing is beneath Burt, right? Of course. Well, then don't go on. No, not the show. What Mark Summers does for a living.

Oh, of course. Yeah, well, here's the thing. It's like, I mean, that's a funny line, but look, Burt, you took some paydays yourself, my friend. Ah. And a half? You've been in some great movies. I mean, I like that movie as a kid. I watched that one as a kid for sure.

But I just think it's like, you know, you could zing him a little, but it does get a little dickish. Let's keep going. Who told you we're neatness free? I just said that because your back is to me and I was just talking to a back. No, no, I can talk to you too, Bert. Thank you. Watch out, he's got scissors. He's got scissors.

No, I was just wondering who told you that because. My wife tells me that often. She says, good morning. I'm still married, as a matter of fact. Yes, well, you are. Oh. Good for... Oh.

Dumped water on him. Whoa. Jeez. I think that mug may have hit him. Did you see that? Yeah, might have got him in the face. Oh, no. I'm all summers now it's same here and burt it's like dude you're trying to big dog a

dude in a pink cashmere sweater true true it's a little weird uh you go to violence out of the gate i mean that's no good it's like it's oh a wittier guy versus a less witty guy who's a bigger star yes and it's trying to alpha him yes this is dennis leary giraldo all over again totally and giraldo fucking dogged him too exactly let's not forget burt played college ball let's also not forget that he's one of the most massive movie stars of all time huge and now it's probably like i think there was probably a period where he was like i'm too good for press yeah and now he's doing like, I think there was probably a period where he was like, I'm too good for press. Yeah. And now he's doing press. Yeah.

Think about like the deliverance fucking smoking the bandit type. He's a legend. Yeah. Look, I love pro Reynolds movies. I'm not going to act like I don't, but you could be a nice guest or don't come on. Yeah. That's Summer's response. You know, it's funny why I'm not eating this cake right away.

But this is good TV. Oh, yeah. This was known as losing control of the program. Good old Leno. He's not a neatness freak anymore. Oh, he's a neat freak. I didn't know that. So, Mark, welcome to late night television.

This nice little quiet, you know, Nickelodeon lifetime. We do a little show. We do some sewing. We, you know, we do little quiet, you know, Nickelodeon Lifetime. We do a little show. We do some sewing. We, you know, we do some little, you know. Brent Reynolds just threw water on me. Did you notice that, folks? In your treasure, it may be.

Don't touch me. Yeah. That a baby. Good for him. I used to be on your show all the time, Win, Lose, or Draw. I used to love that show. Funny, I don't remember. All right, not bad. Wow. Okay. Yeah, yeah so anyway we were talking about what's the deal why are you on this guy

i think this is his brand like in the carson days remember he used to come from yeah yeah he used to with people he used to oh okay but i don't think he's that witty is the problem i agree i think it's a dude who's like thinks thinks he's, he's surrounded by yes men, he's so famous, and I don't think he's quite as witty as he's, it doesn't come off well. No.

Yeah, it's talking about being a fanatic. Well, you started out as a magician, if I'm not mistaken. Oh,

no. What's this? Oh, a towel. Thank you. About a week and a half later, it came back. There we go.

Oh, yeah, good for you good for you I didn't see that coming this is fucking TV wow I've never seen this how do you like it he's a bully this is the bully vs underdog

story thank you Fabio what did he say? You know, I don't mind that because I deserved it. You deserved it? I deserved it. I did it to you. I deserved it.

You know, that's the kind of guy I am. You know? Okay. And I was saying to your wife the other night. Classic. Classic. It's a classic. It's whatever.

You want to finish it? Yeah, finish it. Keep going. I'm in bed gets crazy really oh they say this ain't it I saw you with Katie Kirk you are a nice guy I saw you on one of those PBS shows you were very susan to be nice to nice people two hit it off so well. Stewie is Milton Berle impression.

Take a look at that. Too obscure for the room. It's too good for the room. I bet that plays good on Nickelodeon. There we go. He's back in the game. Count it. At least I have a full-time job, though. That's the thing.

I got a full-time job. Anyway, what is this? Wait a minute. Can you imagine having a small game show and going on Leno and a fucking A-list movie star pick? It's literally like one of us was like the second guest. With Tom Cruise. Yeah, and he was just like, just started poking us. Yes.

He just started fucking with us. And I'm like, dude, Tom, I fucking like you, though. I know like you though i know i know oh this is class shit he's not a comic is he marks out what did mark summers do he was a i don't know he might have been a comic he might have he feels like but he uh he was a game show guy was it double dare yep yeah yeah i mean look i watched all that shit so did i i love double. He talks for a living, so. Oh, wait, we missed something. Oh, Leno showed up with a pie. A pie for both of them.

Oh, this is so classic. It's like the end of Hamilton, but with a pie. Oh, all right, all right. We're being playful. I think Burt Reynolds is bored. Yeah, he must be bored. Wow. Oh, he slipped it a little bit. I think Burt went is bored. Yeah, he must be bored. Two, three. Wow. Oh, he slipped it a little bit. I think Burt went in with a cool face.

Yeah, yeah. And he's a player. Burt's outfit looks more expensive. Oh, yeah, definitely. Oh, there we go. That's good. Okay. You know what?

This is – you know Leno's like, well, I lost control of my show, but holy shit, I'm beating Letterman tonight. Yeah, oh, he's got it behind the back here. Hold on. Oh, I should have hit him with it. They're trying to get Jay. If I look like this, if I look like this, Jay. There we go.

Oh, Jay with the sneak. There we go. Oh! Jay with the sneak. This is crazy. This is TV. This is TV. You don't see this shit anymore. You definitely don't. That's why it's dying.

You know why? Because everyone worries about their brand now. Yes. I'll be honest. I kind of miss the fading A-list movie star who ain't pleased with it publicly. Totally. A publicist now would jump in and be like, that's a bad look. Back then, he was like, shut the fuck up.

I'm Burt Reynolds. Yes, we need that. There's something weirdly, although it's not cool behavior, there's something kind of refreshingly honest about it. Yeah, right, right. Exactly. It feels genuine. Good for him. And this would be water cooler talk at the

at the office did you see leno last night exactly that's why the ratings were weird they were number one yeah also this is new leno like he was just new to the i think tonight show ended 92 93 so he was still the young guy can you imagine seeing that and then like the next time reynolds is on you're the second guest you're like i know i better fucking bring it yeah don't give him an opening yeah but all that they had madonna doing whatever with the shirtless or dancing with dave and then drew barrymore did the flash like that was fun stuff on late night the worst spot ever on late night second panel when robin williams was the first guest oh forget about He's just jumping in. He's stealing all your fucking thunder. Yeah.

You know what brought Leno? Because Letterman was number one. You know what put Leno up top? Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant. Pull it up. Banged a Prozzie. Got caught with a hooker.

And he did Leno the next day. It was a huge headline news. And Leno asked him about it. Cheated on Elizabeth Hurley. Wow. Show me the best looking woman on the planet. I'll show you a guy who gets tired of fucking her. You got that right.

It's on the bathroom wall. Look, it's all over his face, too. Yeah, but I don't trust actors. Who can put on a better performance than that? Oh, good. I guess I must have made a mistake. Yeah, that was his thing. He was a little anxious, a little fidgety.

My ex loved him. She thought he was so hot. See, it's like when you get cancelled. The crowd goes wild. Bueno, he knows he's sitting on goal. Oh, yeah. That smile. There you go.

See, you didn't have to pay for it. Let me start with question number one. What the hell were you thinking? Leno, what the hell were you thinking? I mean, that's a great opener. Great opener. But also, it's like, you know what bugs me about it a little bit is there is a bit of uh it's a little bit of like a teacher scolding a child oh 100 it's like it's it's like fuck it's leto leno sounds like twitter

right you know but i think it was in jest it was in jest but it's still like look the fact that that's the crazy thing is like that's your producer that's your booker like who's getting hugh grant oh yeah you know huge huge and you know the publicist is like you gotta go on you gotta clear your name you're gonna hurt your career so he had to go on he didn't want to go do this but no it's like he's like i'm not a fucking politician exactly didn't promise. But the problem is when you play the sweet guy in the movies, like, guess who's not having to do this fucking apology tour? Burt Reynolds.

Yeah. Burt Reynolds would be like, yeah, I fucked a whore. Yeah. He doesn't have to be like, oh, I made a mistake. But it didn't hurt his career. I mean, he went on to do Notting Hill and all that shit. God, Notting Hill sucks. Oh, yeah.

That movie fucking stinks. Women love that movie. It's just such chick flick horse shit. And here's my thing. It's like the way you can make a kid's movie that adults like, you can make a rom-com that dudes like. Oh, for sure. And that's a straight up chick flick. Yeah, it's like The Notebook.

No guy has seen The Notebook. Willingly. Yeah, yeah. But Love Actually was pretty good. Love Actually I didn't love either. Uh-oh. Actually. yeah it's like the notebook no guy has seen the notebook no guy no willingly yeah yeah but love actually was pretty good love actually i didn't love either uh-oh actually but uh but uh no nodding hill i was just like what a boring ass fucking movie so boring it's just not funny like don't present a movie as a rom-com if it's just a rom what's a good rom-com something about mary high fidelity i mean something about mary you could say is just a fucking comedy.

Yeah, with Rom in it. But no, High Fidelity, Annie Hall. But guess what? Annie Hall, they don't end up together. So that's probably why some cynical fucks like us like it. Broke the rules, yeah. I don't know. What are good rom-coms?

I mean, look, when Harry Met Sally is a rom-com, for sure. Great, great movie. That's a great movie. Great with Nora Ephron. Even Sleepless in Seattle is pretty good. Yeah, Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan always kind of brought it. Oh, yeah. Tom Hanks is just so fucking likable.

I know, but then you got 10 Things I Hate About This Movie. That's a good... 10 Things I Hate About You is a good movie. No. Yeah, it fucking is. Really? It's very good. Really?

Are you fucking kidding me? I saw it 20 years ago. I remember being bored out of my mind. That's like a fresh play on Shakespeare. Oh, it's a Shakespeare? Yeah, that's a fucking great movie. Okay. Heath Ledger crushes that movie. Whoa. I'm thinking of something different. What are you

thinking about? I'm thinking about how to lose a guy in 10 days. Yeah, that sucks. That's what I was like, wait, you're defending this with Kate Hudson? No, that's a piece of poop. You're right. I had the 10. The 10 mixed me up. They're calling itorice pizza a rom-com. I'd agree. I didn't see that. Female perspective, I think, right?

Didn't love it, yeah. Love that director, though. I didn't see the movie. Sure. PTA. Meeting. Yeah, rom-coms. Oh, they put something about Mary under there.

Okay. What else? Amelie's great. Out of Sight's a rom-com? I'll take it. That's a great movie, Out of Sight. Something's got to get... No.

What's the... Romance in the middle of it. Sideways? I could seeight's a rom-com? I'll take it. That's a great movie, Out of Sight. Something's got to get, no. There's a romance in the middle of it. Sideways? I could see that being a rom-com. Sideways is incredible. What about the one with Jack Nicholson that you mentioned earlier? Oh, As Good As It Gets? Yeah. That's a rom-com.

That's a rom-com. James L. Brooks, a little schmaltz, but I fucking, I like it. I like it. It's very New York. I love As Good As It Gets. That's like, for me, a holiday. Tracee and Amy's a good movie. Yeah.

I never saw that. That was on TV the other day, and it's one of those movies where like jason lee just goes on those fucking misogynistic rants but they're fucking hilarious yeah i gotta check it out that's that's like kevin smith that's like when he was like he that was like a heat check movie when he's like all right i had clerks and mall rats i got some commercial success i'm going mature yeah and he still kept the fucking the juvenile element that made him sure yeah i like she we should get we get kevin smith on here i would love to get him i don't know if we'll get a word in but we can get him on here well you gotta brush up on star wars

or whatever he's like a big comic guy he's fucking great though i love they got rose as a rom-com who saw that coming oh it is a rom-com yeah i saw it coming oh bros yeah that slipped in the back door um clueless another great one that was a good one okay we got some stuff moonstruck is good but yeah all right we're going it's fucking great great movie nicholas cage nicholas cage is like you don't know what you're gonna get but when you're fucking he had a weird career trajectory he got like a ton of gambling debts then he had to do ghost rider 8 you know and gone in 60 seconds and i don't know what he's doing now he just did that one about him well it's like that was fun good was it good yeah okay i never saw it it's silly as fuck it's all right it's a fun meta twist you know i liked it. Me too. Michael Pena, who's the other guy?

No, it was the guy from The Last of Us. He's great. Yeah, he is good. Pedro. Pedro Pascal. There it is. Michael Pena's fucking good too, though. PP.

You know he is. He's fucking in everything. Oh, yeah. You know him. Good character actor. Yeah, great actor. Oh, of course. He's in everything.

Dude, yeah. No, Nicolas Cage was in Pig. That was a great movie. Oh, I loved Pig. What a weird movie. great actor oh of course he's in everything everything dude uh yeah no nicholas cage was in pig that was a great i loved pig what a weird movie fucking beautiful movie uh there's something else we were going to talk about movies are in a weird place you know it just doesn't i don't know like you get top gun or barbie or oppenheimer and it it helps but i just don't feel like you can have an indie anymore. Can you have a Pulp Fiction? A Big Fat Greek Wedding? You know, there's no DVDs. You have to go probably even deeper.

The way that you guys go so deep in your own fucking pocket. Yeah, swingers. A Reservoir Dogs, a swingers, he's right. I mean, it's like. It's a risk. It's such a, I mean, yeah, because I just don't think you make your money back now. I think if you're an investor, like why would i fucking help a young filmmaker i've got a marvel opportunity for you do i get to play loki because i've always wanted to do that it's good i feel bad i've had

kids bring me scripts at a show and i'm like i'll never read this this is 200 pages i'm not gonna read it accept them and then really it goes to your agent because he'll say, if you come out with anything in the future that's kind of like that. Oh, shit. I handed him a script. He accepted it. Oh, shit. And he copied my idea. Interesting.

It has to go through your agent is what they say. Okay. Good to know. That's how Mark came out with Oppenheimer 2. The biggest bombing. Yes. That'll be the name of my next special. Well, fuck it.

Maybe we should wrap this bad boy up let's wrap her up where are you going to be the 12th oh no so I'll be in York and Bethlehem Pennsylvania this weekend followed by Toronto September 21st I believe it's the Meridian Theater is that what it is yeah that's a big one I hear

it's big it's a beautiful theater I'll be at the Chicago Theater September 30th these are crazy dates back in the club stand up live yeah well i'm doing a lot of clubs coming up to really tighten up that for the next special but nice stand up live in phoenix october 5th through 7th pittsburgh uh october 25th that's nick's home opener so you better fucking show up for that shit because i could have gone to nick celtics motherfuckers cleveland at the uh miami ohio theater that's what it's called weird name mimi ohio i can't see i'm blind then we'll be I could have gone to Nick Celtics, motherfuckers. Cleveland at the Miami, Ohio Theater. That's what it's called.

Mimi, Ohio. I can't see. I'm blind. Then we'll be that same weekend, Columbus, Ohio, Cincinnati, Indianapolis. The big one, November 4th, New York City. Hey. Theater at MSG for the festival, November 4th, samorell.com slash shows. We also got Brisbane, Melbourne, Adelaide, Sydney, Australia,

and we just added Vegas at the win. It's my second time in Vegas this year because, you know, I can't get enough of that Vegas. That's December 2nd. And then the following week we got Tampa and motherfucking Naples slash Fort Myers area. It's back, brother. Yeah, end on a bang.

All right, all right. I'll be in Europe this whole time, so come out and see me in Amsterdam, Antwerp, Berlin, Dublin, London, Glasgow. Manchester, Birmingham. Yes. And then back at Hershey, Pennsylvania. And tickets are hurting, so come to Hershey, get a Hershey ticket, and get an Oklahoma City ticket.

Those are hurting, too. Ticketmaster's fucking raping us. Raping these fees, these add-ons. It's too much. It's so weird where you're like, I was looking at my MSG thing just to see how tickets were doing, and the lowest priced ticket with their dumb fees, $82. Oh! It's too much. It's so weird where you're like, I was looking at my MSG thing just to see how tickets were doing. And the lowest priced ticket with their dumb fees, $82. Oh!

Because of their fees, dude. Unbelievable. These are not expensive tickets. They're like more than my fucking ticket. It's like Taylor Swift prices. It's fucked. Right. Well, no, it's not Taylor Swift prices, but.

Crazy. But it's crazy, man. So I finally have something to plug. Oh, the racket. Oh, look at that. Yeah, Salakius shot a full spread. This is pretty cool. Let me see.

For the DUI's Open. Oh, this is hilarious. I mean, look at the list. Who's the girl here? Janelle. Oh, she's a comic. They want a little diversity for Elaine. You know how it goes.

This is fucking great. Look at this. Oh, yeah. We reshot every Seinfeld tennis scene. And I how it goes. This is fucking great. Look at this. We reshot every Seinfeld tennis scene. And I cast it with all comics. This is hilarious. Judy Gold on the back. This is great. Very good.

Sally killed it. They're giving them out at the open if you're there or if you were there. I want to get one to frame it. Oh, Mary's in this too. She looks fucking great. Look at that. I know. It's the best she's ever looked. And Stavros killed it as George. look at that i know it's the best she's ever looked and uh stavros killed it as george look at that with the ice cream sundae come on this is so good thank you so good sally kill you we went out to what was it forest hills or somewhere somewhere flushing

who the hell knows super fun hilarious he got our ubers it was very nice so we appreciate that thank you sally look up racket bodega cat whiskey yes bodega cat whiskey dot com we're now legal in georgia and we're closer and so close to new york i'm getting hit up by so many people let's make new york fucking happen once it happens this shit will explode yes new york city bodega cat let's fucking do this let's do it it's online so go get it online people keep saying how do i get it go to bourbon outfitters. It's online, so go get it online. People keep saying, how do I get it? Go to bourbonoutfitters.com, I want to say. So get a bottle. Or bodegacatwhiskey.com.

Oh, even better. Yeah, better. All right, thank you, folks. We'll see you all in hell. Comedy! Woo! Good ass. Sunday's the day for my next offender.

A bit of Pivarec, you know the future's close. I've had a little too much bourbon And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her

And I get down in the same way We might be drunk