We Might Be Drunk - EP 147: Roy Wood Jr.

Episode Date: October 2, 2023

The original release schedule was supposed to be September 17th the day before Mark's birthday. We had to move things around, but we keep the birthday stuff in. Don't be mad. Roy Wood Jr. is here for episode 147. His story about fixing the AC in his apartment, comedy road stories, peeves and much more are here for this great episode. Roy. Wood Jr.: https://www.roywoodjr.com/ Mark Normand: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod Bodega Cat: http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters  https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ If you want to start a podcast contact [e-mail] for a discount on services when referred by WMBD! Support the show and get 50% off your Factor order at https://www.factormeals.com/DRUNK50; use code DRUNK50

you want to get into it sure all right let's rock where were you i was here this weekend oh nice i was just doing the cellar i'm back out tomorrow where are you going well there's even any point in saying on this because it's going to be this is coming out so far right i'm just curious oh burlington albany providence northampton mass but it's fun i'm like you know what yeah we're on what this is some bullshit we're here so uh should you turn that off maybe oh fuck sorry so got one job here i have a niece yeah and uh i was like she lives in northampton and i was like oh my friend sam's coming would you like to go see him i bet i could arrange it yeah she said no thank you i've gotten that before i've gotten that too yeah but we'll follow this under shit you could have kept to yourself yeah right i don't know if we needed to hear this.

But no, no, I was like, what's going on? She was like, well, I just don't want to see any more male comics. She's fucking 14. Wow. How many male comics have you seen? Enjoy seeing Barbie for the 14th time. The brain is poison. The young mind.

Yeah, what are you going to do? Male comedian. You're blocking out a whole gender? She doesn't even want to see Chris D'Elia. He'll be crushed. What about gay comics? He wants to see her to see Chris D'Elia. He'll be crushed. What about gay comics? He wants to see her. They're male.

Black comics. It's so stupid. It's such an ignorant outlook. Yeah. Yeah, you know, who cares? Very negative. Very closed-minded. Try it. I'm sad I'll be down her in the audience.

What a loss that'll be. No, I had that once in Boston. I remember my dad. I sold out. It was the first time I sold out all the club shows in Boston. And I texted my dad. We have a lot of family there. And I said, does anyone want tickets?

And he said, I just asked. And they said they're good. Oh, damn. Now they ask for tickets, though. Uh-huh. Now they ask. Interesting. What do you think changed?

The Netflix? I don't know. I think they probably thought this was like a phase for me. And then they're like, because you would get that. Remember when you're starting out, you'd have those family members who'd be like, you're still doing this? I'm like, it's been 11 years. What do you mean I'm still doing this?

I know. I had the friends growing up, the high school bro, mook, nut job friends, jerk off buddies. They came and saw me once. They yelled fag the entire time. And then I never saw him again at a show because they thought it was a phase. They were like, he'll be done with this. Oh, so they thought they were like roasting you out of it. They thought they were like helping.

I had that too. I bombed a roast and the clips were online. I was like 21 and everyone, all these kids were like posting, like ha ha, like mocking me. It was like, all right, well, this will get him out. I'm like, no, I need to do this. Yes. But a lot of those people that

are shaming you for that for failing at this aren't taking any risks in their life so you know yes it's like their own bullshit but you know that's what it is because the friends that like supported me were like that's cool you're doing that right and if and then guess what if you are meant to stop you either stop or here's a punishment you fail at what you love oh t-shirt put it down but no it's true i mean also in nola there's like a real i think boston has a little of that too where there's like we don't want you to go past us so we're gonna keep you down you can't be doing arts you know we're mechanics that's not what goodwill hunting taught me yeah he wanted him to thrive those are good friends.

Yeah. Affleck's a good guy in that movie. Yeah. I got to see about a girl. They gave him the car. Yeah. My friends never gave me a car. I always want to do like a spoof of that where I'm like, I got to see about a girl.

And then it cuts to me not knowing how to drive and the car just explodes. Is there any chance that story comes from somewhere? The story about like, my dad came up to beat me. He had the belt, something else, and the the wrench and i picked the wrench because fuck him is there any chance some kid got beat with a wrench well he'd be dead he'd be dead with i love louie's bit about good will hunting oh yeah because it's so true i mean just there is an arrogance to just casting yourself as genius right right it's such a good bit. Genius, handsome, tough guy. Yeah, exactly. He's got his flaws that he hasn't dealt with his shit.

Yes. He seems pretty damn good. Yeah, exactly. And then guess what? He deals with his shit. Now he's perfect. Don't fuck with me, Sean. Stop fucking with me, Sean.

Great scene. I'm writing a character. I'm like, huge dick, eight-pack abs. No one understands his genius. Yeah, it's like fucking Louie nailed it. Right. Everybody wants to, the older guys, like, we need to tamp you down and get out with the drunks and come hang out with us. And he's like, I can't.

I got to get out of here. I don't even want to use my genius. That's how smart he was. He was like, I'm done with it. Yeah. That was the genius. It wasn't the theories or whatever. It was leaving. Right wasn't the it wasn't the uh theories or whatever it was leaving right that was it when i when i was a janitor i had a boiler room and i had a bunch of shit

written like joke ideas written down are you serious and nobody on a chalkboard yeah like a whiteboard that i stole out of another room and i had it going and some guy came in and saw it and he wasn't like that's hilarious he was like you're a piece of shit. Like you're a racist or whatever. Cause you know, it was like black joke, Puerto Rican joke. Black plus Puerto Rican equals funny. And I was like,

what the hell is this shit? Exactly. It went the other way. You're like Einstein. You're figuring out theories. Yeah. That's what we are. We are essentially like trying to prove,

like, that's what got me into comedy was like Chrisris rock taking a weird hypothesis and like and and everyone the premise being like and then by the end they're being like all right that's what comedy was and they're laughing they reluctantly kind of have to like give it to you yes exactly exactly so i relate it to goodwill except that was genius part it was that was a good year for movies that was like that as good as it gets not my favorite movie but fucking titanic was huge huge boogie nights that year wow that was a load the 90s were fucking dude i watched true romance the other day i hadn't seen in years that movie still rocks oh it's great the the christopher walken speech

oh my god where's dennis hopper both of them okay but dennis hopper's doing the dialogue i mean it's amazing that he just insulting him by calling him the N-word. I mean, the 90s were a different time. I don't know if you're getting away with that monologue anymore. No, the Sicilian monologue. Yeah, as I say, I don't think you can pull that off anymore. Salicu pulls up the monologue. You're getting a lot of trouble for that. Let's play it real quick.

No, but dude, that scene's great. And then, I mean, fucking Gary Oldman as a Jamaican drug uh drug dealer fucking amazing amazing yeah and uh i think chris penn is great in that dude it's a great size more the two cops are dead oh yeah but uh also samuel jackson's got like three lines and they're all hilarious it's like samuel jackson anything tarantino has to do with, he fucking crushes. That's true, because he was in Goodfellas, but he didn't have one good line in his shakes. But yeah, Chris Penn over Sean Penn any day.

Really? Oh, yeah, I love Chris Penn. Oh, come on, this is crazy. I love Chris Penn. That's a bold take. And we're going Penn. I love Penn State, too. Great team.

I like what they did, also. I thought it was very good. Paterno. But yeah, great movie. I just watched, I was on a flight. There's no good movies on a flight. I've seen everything. Which airline are you on?

I'm on United. Well, that's why there's no, they got like 12 movies. Delta's got a shitload. Delta's pretty good. But United's sick. United 93 was on. Weird choice. But I watched Slumdog Millionaire.

That's a fun one. Pretty good. Danny Boyle. Best picture. First time you saw it? First time I saw it. Oh, wow. Because I was like, well, it's a fun one. Pretty good. Danny Boyle. Best picture. First time you saw it? First time I saw it. Oh, wow. Because I was like, well, it's the best picture.

I'll give it a shot. And I wasn't really excited about it, but I got into it. I loved it. A little 2008, though. Very 2008. But it's got heart. It's a feel-good movie. Good heart and good structure, the way they do the game show.

And he goes back to the memories and everything. But the woman has zero character development. She says three words. He even calls her at the end of the lifeline, and she goes, I don't know. Her big contribution is not knowing. The woman is like a complete idiot. I feel like a lot of women in movies then and before, their name was Woman. Yes.

In script, it was like Woman. She's like the lead woman. They're like, just call her Woman. Lead lady. She's hot as hell. So you just found a hot lady. What's her name again? yeah and scripture's like woman right but she's like the lead woman like just call her woman lead lady and she's hot as hell so you just found a hot lady what's her name again she was smoking smoking hot indian gal she had a moment right did she she deserved one with that mug like i literally looked her up as slumdog millionaire woman rubina rubina ali i don't know maybe i'm thinking of someone else i don't think I saw her in anything else.

Man, she is beautiful. Beautiful. Bring it on in there, Petey. They're called a whiskey... Hold on a second. I thought it was a whiskey ricky. Whiskey ricky. Whiskey ricky. Thank you. It is two parts

whiskey, half part lime juice, four parts sparkling water. It's like a summer whiskey drink. It's a whiskey soda with lime. That's it. It's a great name, though. Whiskey Ricky. Yeah.

That's my dad's name. Ricky Henderson. Oh, yeah. You ever hear the story about Ricky Henderson? Oh, yes. You know what I'm talking about? The helmet? Oh, we got two stories on Ricky, by the way. Here, cheers, by the way. talking about the helmet. Oh, that's what we got a two stories on Ricky by the way here

Cheers, by the way, how about Ricky Ricky Dickie? That's really good. Um new summer drink man. Why you put lime in anything? It's fucking good I'll put a lot put lime on a fucking vagina. Maybe that would hurt Either way I don't think it's true, but it might be true Yes, one of the things that's been told so many times ricky henderson you know greatest maybe the greatest base stealer ever amazing baseball player yeah just a speed demon instincts everything but uh

the story is i think his first million dollar chair something crazy one of his biggest checks is just framed and it wasn't like a xerox of the frame he framed the actual check so they were like no that's cool but like that's money yeah you gotta it's not a dollar bill at a restaurant yeah that's a paycheck yeah i love a pickle in baseball oh yeah i love a pit that's my favorite thing in baseball is the pickle because it's very metaphoric for life like how you gonna get out of this one you got got two problems and you got to fix it. I love it. Give me a good pickle.

What was your story, Matt? Oh, so Ricky Henderson was talking to John Olerud when he played on the Mets. Here we go. Woo, baby. He went under him. Oh, we got a triple pickle. Whoa, there's four guys going. This is incredible.

Did he make it? Oh, I got him. Oh, I got him. Well, he had a valiant effort. Was that Ricky? No. That would be a hell of a turnaround. What the hell are you doing here? What is this?

No, he just said play pickle rundown. Sorry, I just wanted to see a great pickle. So the Ricky Henderson story is he played with, so John Olroon famously plays with a helmet in the field. Yeah, yeah. He was the Mets' first baseman. Exactly, but before they played in Toronto. And so now they're both on the Mets now. And Ricky's been playing with John Olrood for almost the whole season.

And he goes up and he's like, oh, you wear a helmet in the field. He's like, I played with a guy in Toronto who did the same thing. He was like, it was me. That's great. That's hilarious. Didn't even know who he was playing with. Wow. Wait, it was me. That's great. That's hilarious. Didn't even know who he was playing with. Wow. Wait, why is he wearing a helmet?

I think he had head trauma and his doctor was like, you can't take another hard ball to the head. So he was like, just wear the helmet in the field. Well, what's his name? Was it Hayward or whatever? The guy in the Braves had the... I don't know. If I played in the major league,

I would definitely have the one that goes down over your face. Oh, yeah. I mean, it doesn't make any difference in swinging. I also never got guys who didn't like david ortiz always wore the elbow protector you take a fastball to that elbow it stinks true true you lose all the feeling here for like two weeks sometimes it's the worst so it's like yeah i don't get or you know shatter an elbow even worse but uh yeah i never got that i know i know i don't like the uh the face the the chin strap it doesn't look great it's not a good it's got a little bit of downsy vibe i was just watching that uh netflix australian uh or new zealand down syndrome people finding love you sound you sound

it wasn't my choice was a woman's choice obviously And I picked like 12 noirs in a row. I had to give her one. I don't know, it's darker. But dude, I'll tell you, the New Zealand Down Syndrome accent, so much better than the American. Down Under Syndrome. They sound so much better. Down Under Syndrome? Ah, Downs Under.

Downs Under. Because the New Zealand accent is thick as shit, and the Downs accent can be thick, and I wonder if they cancel each other out a little bit. Kind of like this lime in this cocktail. Hell yeah. Oh. Hey, we got Gillis on the left over there with the glasses.

Okay, keep it rolling. Oh, Joe List in the blue, by the way. Okay. Who we got on the right? Joe Pera. blue, by the way. Okay. Who we got on the right? Joe Pera? I'm closing this window. We're going to get canceled. All right.

That's Sam after a rough set. My favorite movie. Can they see this? One of them. Dog Day Afternoon is hard to beat. Dude. Attica. Attica.

Attica. That's what the Nazis were yelling about anne frank attica all right all right three weeks in a row and frank three weeks in a row uh i love me i love anne she was around now she'd have an only fan and you're all right you're all right kid i'll tell you you're the one with no ventilation right now i'm sweating only. Only ants. There you go. Anti-ants. Never eat it. But it's like the opposite of the vagina.

The smell ain't great, but the taste. I disagree. I feel like it's calling me. No, no, no. I meant the opposite. Oh, okay, okay. It smells so good. I float like Bugs Bunny, and then you eat it, and you're just like, oh, that was horrible. It's a bad choice.

But damn, and it's also, why is it open at 6 a.m.? How big a piece of shit are you to get the pretzel hot dog at 6 a.m.? Sometimes that place will be open and like a regular, like a more, you know, a place that would make sense to be open, isn't it? True. Airport travel, baby. Yeah, like Starbucks isn't open yet, but Auntie Anne's is pumping out that dough. I got a food-related peeve for you guys. Hit me.

I got a peeve, too. Should we wait? I don't know if he's got peeves. All right, let's wait. Okay, let's wait. I got a bunch. I got a bunch, too. I'm excited about one.

This might be a peeve-heavy ep. Woo-wee! Woo-wee, baby. He's not here, is he? Let me just put this phone on in case he texts me. Okay, I'll do the same thing I'll give it a little look Okay nothing yet

Boy I just got back from La La Land Tinseltown It's more fun these days I used to hate it Yeah I used to hate it too but it's great to visit I mean the people who live there seem a little bummed out Not bummed out but just a little detached The second you walk in And you're like a person I mean, the people who live there seem a little bummed out. Not bummed out, but just a little detached.

No, the second you walk in and you're like a person, they flock to you. That's true. They're hungry for a real conversation. That's so true. Remember taking meetings in L.A.? I shouldn't be asking you, but we would really go all the time. Yeah, brutal. And you wouldn't even talk about a show. They'd be like, the Knicks.

And I'd be like, I flew here trying to sell a show yeah so true that's so true they're so just deprived of any real contact there because it was like they're isolated who's your agent yeah they all live in their big houses up on the hollywood hills and no one no one they'll say let's get lunch and they never do but that's because you live too it's too it is annoying like in new york it's too comfortable in new york i'll come meet someone out of my neighborhood as long as it's not crazy far for lunch. In LA, sitting in traffic, dude. For a lunch with a guy you kind of know, it's not worth it.

Yeah. But my point is, great. The crowds were there. They were full. We did the Ace Theater. It was killer. Ooh, that's beautiful. Yeah.

New York was in town. It's like Tim Dillon comes out. Santino comes out. Did Bobby Lee. Did they do guest sets on your show? No, I just did the store. So whoever they booked. Oh, okay.

I thought you did the Ace. I did the Ace on Friday. Everybody was gone. Oh. I would love to have one of those guys jump on. Yeah, I teched Nick Swartzen to come out when I was doing the World Turn there on a weekend. He goes, fuck you. I'm on the road.

It's a weekend. I was like, well, just seeing if you were in town, we could hang. That's what I said, too. And I saw Nick Swartzen at the improv too and i saw nick swartz at the improv and i went hey nick and he was walking by he went enough i gotta go and i was like i get it i get it he's the best he's a good egg he was a little grizzled but uh yeah i saw nicky and uh all the all the gang out there was it was a hell of a time but you did a podcast run didn't you i? I did the biggest run. I was doing four a day. That's not good. Not good.

Because by the end of it, you're like, have I said this? It was like a set. I was like, have I done this story? Steve-O, Howie Mandel, Bobby Lee, Santino, Kreischer. I did Bert's wife, Leanne. I just fucked her. I didn't do her part. That one hung there for a second.

I was like, who's going to get it first? It's like Hungry Hungry Hipp hungry hungry hippos you know right right i i did a trash tuesday i mean it was it was crazy i did i did them all i'm wiped yeah it's a good back yeah getting back sagura yeah sorry that was a lot i think that was it a lot it's a lot so many i'm going out there and i'm gonna do i'm gonna do not as many as you, but I'll do a few. I can't do that many. It kills me. It kills you. And then you, it's like you always say, we do the shows at night, and the shows are great

because you get a break, but I get drunk as a reward. So then you're drunk, and now the publicist is hotel room, phone's ringing, phone's buzzing, and you're like, ah, and he's like, we got to go do Steve-O. And you're like, ah, fuck. And you got to go do it all over again. Brutal. Damn. Yeah, I'm doing his.

I don't really know him. He did ours, but I don't really know the guy. He's tough because it's in his van and it's 9 million degrees. And there's about 17 guys in there with cameras and headsets. And it's intimate. Yeah. Your knees are touching, so buckle up. Oof. In the van.

Yeah, he's a van guy. He'll pull up to your hotel, though, so that's cool. That's nice. But why in a van? That's like the theme? That's the theme. Steve-O Vano. He drives up, and you get in.

I don't know. It's like a mobile studio. You don't drive while you're doing it, then. No, no, no. He parks it. I guess't know. It's like a mobile studio. You don't drive while you're doing it, then. No, no, no. He parks it. I guess it's kind of considerate if you don't want to go to a place. Totally. That's one way to get out of an L.A. pod.

Adam Ray's like, you got to do my pod. I said, I'll do it, but I'm slammed. I'll do it if you come to me. And he's like, I'll see you next time. Great. Yeah. No, it's tough. It's tough. There's no way you keep a van cool with six guys in it you next time. Great. Yeah. No, it's tough. It's tough.

There's no way to keep a van cool with like six guys in it and LA sun. It's just going to get hot, right? It's hot as balls. And it's one of those like when you push open the door, you know, you got to get that door open. You feel like a, like a migrant crossing the border. You're like, ah, ah, because he had a generator, but, uh, I think it was going in and out. So good luck.

Damn. Yeah. Those pods, man. They take it out of you. I just came from one and I think it was going in and out. So good luck. Damn. Yeah, those pods, man. They take it out of you. They really do. I just came from one, and I love it. When it's your friends, it's so easy. And then sometimes you meet someone you don't know well, and you're just riffing, and it's fun.

But there's a lot where you're like, was that good? Yeah, exactly. I just put something that's going to live out forever. It's like putting out a bad date on the internet. You're just letting a bad date live on YouTube it's not good so true at least with a date you got you got a bar there yes you know well and no one will ever see it again and there's the possibility of sex great point podcast everyone's gonna see it and no one's getting laid unless you blow steve-o or how Mandel. Are they harder to do when you have something to push? Or are they easier to do if you're just like, it's the same.

What was hard is you forget about the cameras and the mics. And you start being yourself. And you're like, oh, you've got to cut all that out. I trashed my ex. I trashed my agent. I trashed every comic in America. So now it's unusable. It's tough.

It's tough. And you're just out of juice you're out of like we got in this to be stand-ups yes you're just all of a sudden you're like a radio guy exactly you know I wanted to write jokes I don't want to be doing I like it's a it's amazing it's great for showbiz that like the landscape has become so you know wide open and so many people have these avenues but now I feel like back in the day you did like carson and you're like i'm good that's my press tour maybe totally maybe you did some morning radio or you did something but like you know now it's like you have to do a shitload because nothing is quite as big as that yep but everything helps yep so and as colin quinn

brilliantly said you can get in trouble for saying certain shit now, and all we do is talk and record it. All they need is Wi-Fi. Yeah. That's what he said, too. Yeah. To ruin you. And I don't want to get cunty, but I did Sickler. We love Sickler.

Yeah. The honeydew. Great pod. Great pod. Check it out. Yeah. But you show up, and he goes, let's hear your story. And you've got to tell this long story.

And he goes, all right, what's the next story? Then you tell this line. You're like, what are you doing? What are you, Byron Allen? You're like the white Byron Allen. You're getting all my stories and you're not chiming in. And you get the views. He literally just said, I became too much myself.

I shit talk. And then what does he do? Shit talk. Well, I love shit talk. It's a great podcast. I mean, I did it and i was like it was shit i'd never talked about yes i told a story about you know a death that i witnessed and i was like well i've never talked about that epstein um luckily that one's not on youtube either but uh

no that's uh only was hanging but it's uh you know. I did hear this great interview tactic when I was studying this, when I was starting to make documentaries, which is you ask a question, let them answer, and then don't ask your next question. And then they just go. Yeah, because they're nervous and they're like, well, I need to say something else. And that's when you get the good things. That's also great negotiation. You throw out a thing, they counter, and you just stand there. And everybody starts panicking and they go okay okay we'll go to yours well sometimes you get people i did an interview

uh you ever just do an interview that's so bad that you're like how do you have a job like i did a funny my publicist is like it's like a small town radio station she's like he's been doing this for 40 years i'm like that's not a badge of honor right he's a radio guy in a tiny ass town yeah like that's not a that's not a desired job you know what i mean so he just doesn't even do any research this guy so he's asking me questions that like are just like half-assed and it's like not even at one point you know he's like you did a podcast with uh julian edelman i was like yeah he goes you know that night after the super bowl when he was passed out and the woman posted the picture of him? And I was like, yeah.

And he goes, were you there too? And I was like, no, it was the woman. It's the woman who was there. What are you talking about? I was like, what do you want me to do with this shit? Yeah, they listen to one clip and they try to do a whole interview based off one clip. I had the same thing. A guy goes, so you fucked your teacher in college?

Because that was one of my, this is not happening. i was like yeah yeah it was crazy i tell the story again he's like what was that teacher like and i'm like we did the teacher ask me about ask about new york or comedy or anything but that's all he had so um i got this clip of larry king who famously doesn't do prep okay so this woman's talking about how she became a rape victim through abduction. Okay. Good comedy start. There we go. So she's saying he came up to me at the grocery store parking lot and grabbed me.

Hold on. I picked the worst possible version of it. Is that in the video? Yeah, some guy's house. Okay. Okay, wait. Pull up the Seinfeld one if you can, too. That's a good one. Okay, so anyway, so she's like,

I was brutally raped and abducted. And he goes, what happened to the groceries? The groceries? Was there ice cream? It could melt. That's one that doesn't really require preparation. That's like being a human. Yeah.

Right. You just don't ask about food when someone says they got raped. Are you okay? Have you sought therapy? How's the family? What happened to the frozen peas? Peas. How long?

Nine years. 180 episodes. You gave it up, right? I did. They didn't cancel you. You canceled me. Oh, look how mad he is. You're not aware of that?

This is my biggest fear. I heard you, Jerry. I thought that was pretty well documented. Is this still CNN? Don't most shows go down a little? Most people do also. Oh! Oh, that was a dig.

I went off there. I was the number one show on television, Larry. Do you know who I am? Jewish guy, Brooklyn. Well, you know. Wait. He was about to say that. You know, yeah, I don't, you know. Wait. He was about to say that. I've seen that clip.

You know, yeah, I don't think he was, like, really mad. I think he was just like, what are you doing? Yeah, yeah. But it was, like, pretty funny. Well, it's a journalist, a broadcaster. So if you said it. You asked if Seinfeld got canceled? Exactly.

Come on. No. Yeah, I mean, the amount of money probably turned down, right? It was crazy. Yeah. It was like a couple million and up. But hey, you know. Yeah, he did all right.

He did it at the right time because the show was getting weirder. That was part of Larry King's charm, though, I guess, is that he just didn't. He wasn't that bright, right? Yeah, he said, I want to go into it with the level of my viewers' knowledge. Oh, smart way to be lazy. That's a smart excuse. That's how I handled homework as a kid. I was like, I'm just going to go in with a layman's approach

here. By the way, both from Brooklyn. The Brooklyn alumni is bananas. It's Colin Quinn, Chris Rock, Seinfeld, Jimmy Kimmel, Woody Allen, Larry David. It's a big borough. Mel Brooks. Matt Salicus. Good one. Not to mention the athletes. Spike Lee. Spike Brooks. Mel Brooks. Matt Salicus. Hell yeah. Good one.

Not to mention the athletes. Spike Lee. Spike Lee. Great athlete. Stan Lee. I like Stan Lee. I don't know. He's a New Yorker, I think. I think he's Queens.

I think he's a Queens guy. I'll bet you. I'll bet you what? Five bucks. Deal. All right. Give me a Stan Lee BK. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, boy. Oh, Marissa Tomei as well. And Harvey Keitel, I want to say. Jean-Michel Basquiat. Oh, wow. Joey Fatone. Oh, I met him. Give me Stan Lee.

Where is he from? Oh, God. Spider-Man is Queens. Oh, that's right. Peter Parker. Oh, God. Come on, Brooklyn. Manhattan. Oh, yeah. Peter Parker. Oh, God. Come on, Brooklyn. Manhattan.

Oh, wow. We're both wrong. That's a draw. That's a draw. Where did he grow up, though? Did he grow up in Manhattan? Man, he lived long. He was like 95 or something, wasn't he?

Wow. Look at that. It was funny when the woman... There was a nurse dealing with him that accused him of sexual misconduct during like the height of Me Too. And I was like, he's 95. What did he do, rap for a boob? Yeah. The corner of 98th and West End Avenue.

Boom. Wow. Well, that's not, we both lost. Yeah. Man, he's a fucking legend though. Legend. The king. I mean, what is it? Spider-Man, he's a fucking legend, though. Legend. The King. I mean, what is it?

Spider-Man, Incredible Hulk, Fantastic Four, Iron Man. All those Marvel guys were early on. All those superhero people, they were Jews. All Jews. Because there were people that hid their secret identity when they came to America. That's good. Change your name. Change your name.

Bob Klein? No, Bob Kane. Bob Kane. Yeah. He's Batman. Yeah. Is. Bob Klein? No, Bob Kane. Bob Kane. Yeah. He's Batman. Yeah. Is he? He's got to be Jewish.

Yeah. And then the Superman is Jewish. Yeah. Right. He's from Cleveland. Hey, we got our guest here. Where's the music? Boy.

Sorry for being black and lame. CPT, baby. You only have to apologize for one. Good to see you, man. What's going on, motherfucker? You've lost weight. Walking, bro. Fucking fatherhood.

That'll do it. That'll make you lose weight? My son is seven now. He's got a bike. And if your kid gets a bike, you gotta get a fucking bike. Otherwise, you're jogging next to the kid. Right. So we ride the bike up and down the West Side Highway.

So that's giving me a couple of caloric deductions. You're already a better father than my dad. I've never seen that man on a bike. He gave me a bike and he kicked me out of the house. My dad rode a bike, but this is how he taught me to ride a bike. I went down once. We were in the park. I went down, zipped into a tree, went flying.

He was like, you're not a bike rider. That was it. So I can't ride a bike really. Promoted giving up early. Really? You can't like. I can't drive either. You never tried?

During the pandemic when people were like, don't go on the subway at the height of it without a mask. I was like, fuck it. I'll become a bike guy. So I city biked a couple of times down to like the cellar and I was like scraped up all over the arm because people are fucking reckless on that. Oh yeah. On that West Side Highway.

I mean, if you don't know what you're doing people are fucking cruising what i figured out on the bike like i really don't ride that much in this city for that reason but i will ride when it's high traffic because everything's more predictable because it's congested so even if you hit me it's going to be under 10 miles an hour that's good good. In theory, I should live. Yeah. And then you just have to. Yeah. Got to. I don't want to be that guy.

Yeah, fine. I'll be nerd. Like, you're not getting pussy off a bike anyway. So this idea of looking cool, there's no one going to DM you. I couldn't help it. Lance Armstrong, he was nutting that cancer all over Sheryl Crow. Sorry. Keep going. I forgot what kind of podcast it was. He was the best. He all over Sheryl Crow. Sorry. Keep going.

I forgot what kind of podcast it was. He was the best. He had to be the best. There's always one of anything. Yeah. Yeah, but like- I bet there's a scooter that could pull some country music ass. Oh, yeah.

If he's number one. Definitely. The trick is to look crazy on the bike, so I'll ride wrong way. And then it makes people watch for me more than not thinking about me. That's a good move. That's my move, middle of the street. I do the same shit in weird neighborhoods. I walk in the middle of the street.

I do that too. It was a safety aspect to walk in the middle, ironically. You have to, you're not going to sneak me from behind some fucking stoop. Exactly. Come out in the street and let's fight. Yeah, right, right. I don't like all the scooting going on and the bike riding just on regular.

I understand the highway, but you used to be able to cheat a red light in the city, and now these people come out of nowhere going the wrong way and shit. Oh, that's true. Yeah, yeah, I'm definitely part of the problem, but I'm alive. Yeah.

I think that's the important thing. That's what I always feel. I do city bike from spot to spot. It's the best thing for getting around for shows. Yeah. I don't know. It's just strictly to feel like I'm doing something with my son. Also, he plays tennis, so I guess I got to learn that shit too.

Damn. So he plays tennis. He's playing. But classes. He's not like fucking Andy Roddick. He's pretty good. No, he's a winner. Yeah.

Fucking Trey. He had a good run. No, he was a great player. But he's, you know, lost a lot of the big ones. I've seen you playing basketball with your son in the park. Yes. And I was like, this is a good dad. Yeah, yeah.

That's what you know. Like, if you see a kid with a good jump shot, you knowball with your son in the park. Yes. And I was like, this is a good dad. Yeah, yeah. Damn. That's what you know. Like, if you see a kid with a good jump shot, you know there's a man in his life. And that's what I want people to know about my son. Like, if I die too soon, check out that Jado. I heard Chris Rock one. NBA kids who had no dad, huh? Come on.

Well, I remember Chris Rock once. I've heard him say at the cellar one night, he goes, Steph Curry is Allen Iverson with two parents. I was like, God damn. Chris Rock. He's got the best sports. He just summarizes everything. And when you're like, shit, Chris Rock would have been the best sportscaster too. Totally.

Could you imagine him and Burr in the booth doing something? I feel like I saw that on the Chappelle show. The racial draft. That's what it was. Oh, yeah. That was epic. That was great. It's the Chappelle show. The racial draft. That's what it was. Oh, yeah. That was epic. That was great. That's the closest thing you'd get to that.

Yeah, Burr is cold with that shit. He's so good at it. And he could do any sport. I know. He loves sport, but he would get fired for saying cunt. Come on, you missed the puck, you cunt. Yeah, like that guy from the Orioles. Was it the broadcaster Kevin Brown got fired?

What did he say? He got suspended. And all he was doing was talking about how bad the Orioles are traditionally against the Rays. He didn't say anything slanderous. He was just like, every time we come to Tampa, we lose. We haven't won since here. And that was the last time we won. Terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible team when we're here.

And they fired him for that? They suspended him. What? He's back now. But yeah, they were like, yeah, man, don't talk bad about us. I think when Donald Sterling came out, they were like, all right, we got to rehire this guy. We're good now. Remember Jimmy the Greek?

Talk about how good we are. Yeah. Jimmy the Greek had a hell of a flub. What was that? He said the quick twitch. Remember that? Oh, yeah. Quick twitch. And then Cosell got in trouble for saying,

like a run, monkey, run. Well, that's a bad one. That was a different time. What about in sports? Well, they've got everything. If they take over coaching like everybody wants them to, there's not going to be anything left for the white people. The white control is a coaching job.

Now, I'm not being derogatory about that. No. That's kind of a compliment. There's only going to be left for the white man. That ain't good. Wait until he sees Tiger. You know what? Speaking of the white man, and I know it's not time to run bits.

Please. You can run them whenever you want, but it segues nicely. Do you think part of, and this is just a thesis, it's very loose. It tracks fairly decently on stage, but do you think part of the uprising that we're having with the awakening

that white men are having in this country, the capital writing? Yeah. I'm talking like the awakening that white men are having in this country. The capital rioting. Yeah, I'm talking like the outdoorsy white men. Yeah. The ones that show up to protest gay cakes. By the way, outdoorsy, you'd think they'd be a little tanner. They're always very pale. Good point.

Because they cover their faces. That's right. There you go. That'll do it does do you think the lack is there a legitimate white american male action movie star chris right now no on the karate shit though on some lone wolf wick i don't respect because the suit's bulletproof is it yeah i never watched his suits bulletproof i'm talking chuck norris steven seagal charles bronson yeah like just one man against an entire group of minorities we got a neeson liam taken but he's old as shit he's old is he american i thought no

he's scottish i think and i i think men, we got to give them back their lone wolf action heroes. Who could do it? Who's like the guy? That's like, what about Statham? He's British. Fuck. British. Bro, every film is global now, so they cast globally, or every action movie is fucking

a whole entourage of motherfuckers, fast and furious type shit. Like, I can't fucking think of just one white dude. There's not like a Bruce Willis. Yeah. Right, right. Paul Walker died, fucking asshole. Let's see. I Googled white acting stars.

Even he was ensemble. Yeah, true. Like Sylvester Stallone. Okay, Italian. Tom Cruise. I don't want to roll him into the white burrito, but fucking Sylvester Stallone, he beat Italian. Tom Cruise. I don't want to roll him into the white burrito, but fucking Sylvester Stallone, he beat up black people for three straight films.

We know I think part of the problem is that all the dudes are still working. Like, Stallone's still doing shit. In ensembles. Yeah, Stallone's like- They won't die. But like Van Damme, bro? Fucking Van Damme. But he's not American.

He's foreign. He's Belgian. I did Conan with Van Damme once and I can tell when a segment before me is dying cause Conan was like I could tell he was giving him nothing so Conan's like why don't you try and move on me and I'm like ooh this is a bad this one's bombing if Conan's like

kick my ass this is the only thing I have to go with I somehow ended up down a rabbit hole of Chuck Norris films from the 80s, right? And missing in action was like what Chuck Norris was. And part of the issue with the bit on stage is that I have to stop and reset who Chuck Norris was at that time to most people under the age of 40, really under 35. Sure. I don't really know Chuck Norris sure like i don't know i never saw it but like because i'm 44 so like we're like writing that schwarzenegger transition

into muscle action chuck norris wasn't muscle action guy he was just brute regular built dude who knew a bunch of fucking karate and kick your ass and like so we're missing in action too there's a scene where the vietnamese like the the premise of the movie of that whole franchise is chuck norris going back to vietnam to rescue pows he goes back by himself and just break our boys out great premise just basically it's basically extraction it's it's hemsworth extraction for the 80s yes and it's very patriotic we got to get our people back correct the vietnamese are lying and they're saying there's no more pows there are camps i'm gonna prove it so i'm gonna go over there by myself

and rescue the boys yes and there's a fucking scene bro i don't i don't know i think it was part two i don't try searching missing missing an action rat i think this is why joe rogan is so popular because he knows karate he's and he's fucking american and he's american he's ripped and he's tattooed and he's smoking weed and that's when the audience moans yes he hits every base that's a good point exactly i gotta tell you when when i don't know anything about RFK Jr.'s politics, but when he's doing push-ups and jeans, it goes

back to that 80s kid in me. I'm like, oh shit, he's tough. So in this scene, this is a torture scene from back in Vietnam era. They've got a rat that they've starved. Oh! And then they put the rat in a bag. They hang the pow upside down and they

put in his head and they put the bag over his head and the rat is literally trying to fucking eat you because it's starving right so it's just a classic torture scene we don't have to like it's fucking visceral as fuck and so the rat's all and then at the end of the scene don't want to spoil it are you guys please spoil it okay so at the end of the scene do I want to spoil it? please spoil it so at the end of the scene just scrub forward Chuck Norris has killed the fucking rat with his fucking mouth they pulled the bag off his head they think Chuck Norris is dead

you wonder where xenophobia comes from got it that's fucking cool that's a fucking man that's a fucking american man right there and we've gotten away from that type of action movie and i feel like when you don't have lone wolves on screen you get lone wolves in real life and like you need that you need representation matters like all every minority group talks about how empowered i felt when i saw someone like me on screen. Yep.

And we've taken that away. Have Jews ever had an action star? I'm going to sit this one out. Harvey Weinstein. Discuss it a bunch. He's doing a lot of action. Well, I think taking action was his problem. Yeah, agreed.

I'm trying to think, have we had anyone? Elliot Gould was like cool. Elliot Gould was cool, but he never fought anybody. Yeah. There was the white guy. Oh, agreed. I'm trying to think. Have we had anyone? Elliot Gould was cool. Elliot Gould was cool, but he never fought anybody. Yeah. There was the white guy. Oh, James Kahn. Is he? Yeah, he's Jewish. Tough Jew. Little Rocky Sockham. The fucking rules. He was like Liam Neeson 1.0

for a minute. Yeah, he was Sonny in The Godfather. Look how sexist we are. Wonder Woman. She's Jewish. She's an action star. Oh, there you go. But we're talking American Jew. Isn't she Israeli. She's Jewish. She's an action star. Oh, there you go. But that's a fucking... But we're talking American Jew. Isn't she Israeli?

She's Israeli. All right, we're talking American. Who was the white guy from Enter the Dragon? Is it Robert something? Is it Chuck Norris? Is it not this? No, no. No, he's in a different movie.

No, that's Way of the Dragon. I'm talking... Oh, yeah. There was... In Enter the Dragon, there was a white guy who was going blow for blow with Bruce Lee. And that was, like, fucking pretty badass.

Yeah. There was a guy in The Crow. Yeah, just pull up the cast of Enter the Dragon. I don't want to be a white guy. But, yeah, I think you got something. And UFC, I think, is very popular because of this. It's just fucking karate and brute force. And people love it.

Shit-talking, too. Look how popular Conor McGregor got, you know? Right. And we don't have that how popular Conor McGregor got. Right. And we don't have that in action films anymore. Every action franchise, I would argue the last legit would maybe be Jason Bourne. Oh, that's a good one. I forgot about that.

Those are good fucking movies. When it was time to throw down hand to hand, Bourne would throw down. I mean, that was more, wasn't necessarily martial arts type shit. So funny that he's our fucking bat. There's like Bruce Lee, and they're like,

who do you guys have? We're like, Matt Damon. The guy from Good Will Hunting. In a sweater with a backpack full of passports. And I will fucking defeat you. He's like, is that dogma? Oh, shit. So this list of Jewish action stars is pretty thin.

It's like Rob Reiner. That's hilarious. Ezra Miller, he's like a pedophile or something. But Ansel Elgort's on there. Hell yeah. That's his cousin. Okay. From Baby Driver, right?

Baby Driver. He's Jewish? He's his cousin. He's my cousin. I didn't know. That could fade out. Kirk Douglas was whooping ass like that. He's Jewish?

Wow. How about that? I heard this awesome story about one of my favorite movies is out of the past from the uh from the 50s with robert mitchum and kirk douglas and i saw the tcm like behind the movie thing and it was uh it was robert mitchum's son and he was like yeah mitchum never liked kirk douglas because he was kind of like this a-list like cocky wasn't too cool to the people on set. But Robert Mitchum was apparently the fucking man. I heard this story about Mitchum. His son was telling, he runs away from home when he was 11 because he felt guilty. They were so poor.

He didn't want to be another plate of food for his family. So he learned how to act by living on railroads and shit and just studying people and like being like oh this is how they act and it was like acting classes are bullshit you can just watch people and pick up what they do but like that's the most tragic start you know douglas versus mitchum one of the coolest movies ever by the way i love that kind of shit yeah also by the way all these old jewish guys like mel brooks and bud friedman they all did they did, they served. They were all in the war and shit. They all did military time. That's kind of over.

But that took a toll. Like all these people that we were like, they served and then they come back. Because you watch old movies and they're like, did you serve? And they'll just casually be like, yes. And like, if I served, that would be like all I talked about.

That would be it. I'd be like Goodman and Lebowski. I would never fucking stop. They served back when you could get a good blowjob from serving like you could come home true true I was one of the fighting boys overseas oh were you now

you could dip a woman in Times Square and she wouldn't say no that's what I've heard yeah it's like troops now they'll like keep it a secret until they know you. Right. That's true.

Like when you meet members on set, like a lot of crew on set is like a lot of veterans and shit. You know, a lot of productions they hire. Crips and shit. Yeah. And it'll be like the fourth week of production. Oh yeah, anyway, I was in Fallujah. Right.

And that's how I learned to do this with the lights. Exactly. Jesus Christ. Those dudes are always awesome. They're always like salt of the earth, no ego, the most humble, just hardworking guys. Well, it's an egoless job. You're like part of this greater thing, right? You're like part of a team.

You were great in Fletch, by the way, talking about movies. That was a good time, man. That was a fun movie. Jon Hamm is legit cool yeah isn't it a good feeling when you work with someone they're actually like oh thank god you're as advertised right he was talking you up on some talk show and i was like what a cool thing to see him say what a good actor you are and so it was it was it was dope we were in boston for like a month and a half just riding around shooting and i've never seen like celebrity like

that where it's like people already love him yeah but it's not like let's take a picture oh my god it's just hey john like fucking trash truck guys right to me that's fame yes totally the one you want yeah when it's like a working class person who you know only has three hours of free time a week. Yeah. And they fuck with you. That's a good point. They made it into their small funnel of outside of work and parenting and fucking marriage counseling or whatever else they do. Yeah, that's true.

And Jon Hamm's one of those guys too where i'm like everybody's like he's so funny and he's but he's good looking so i was like shut up but then he is he's good in bridesmaids and he's funny movies and stuff and you're like he was on 30 rock a couple times he was great and that he was great and i was like damn he is funny but i didn't buy it because he's so handsome yeah he was he was cool i i hope they do some sequels to it i know that's a paramount ip the whole flitch sure empire and i know is that like that was like a passion thing for him right yeah yeah him and um and the director greg mottola like greg mottola who did super bad like oh yeah

he's just passionate about like whodunit caper right i love those types of movies but you know they got it done i know that i don't know all the ins and outs of the funding of it but i know it was like one of those they barely got it to the finish line type passion projects yeah and they got it and then everybody loved it but it was a slow burn too because you know we got fucked because of covet like a lot of people yeah so because it was a comedy in theaters you mean no yeah it didn't get to theater say like ah let's just not let Oh, because it was a comedy in theaters, you mean. No, yeah. It didn't get to theaters. They were like, ah, let's just not. Let's just go. It was like limited.

Like 10 cities for a week and a half type thing. That's a bummer. And then immediately straight to Showtime. Yeah. Did he, I mean, he's a comedy guy though, Jon Hamm, right? He must have knew who you were. Yeah. He's actually seen me at the Cellar.

You know who else is a weird face to see at the cellar and just throws you off Gerard Butler yeah he's there sometimes wait is he American he's a rock'em sock'em he's an action star what's funny you were saying action star is because I'm thinking Fletch is he's like a journalist

so he's not like a he's like a figure it out with his brain type of guy comedy he's Chevy Chase from the UK yeah he's like a figure-it-out-with-his-brain type of guy. Right, comedy. He's Chevy Chase from the UK. Yeah, he's a Brit. Ah! Tom Hardy, too, is a Brit, I believe. But he looks at you just like that the whole time you're on stage. That's terrifying.

That's how my dad looked at me when I'd come home. Gerard Butler comes to the comedy cellar and then stares at you like you're giving the wrong answers in an interrogation. Where's the microfiche? And then he'll smirk at the end of like your full 10 minute set and you know that's the equivalent

of a standing ovation. It's weird when you see a famous person. Yes, I approve. I just hate when they see them in the front row because like I'm on stage the other night

and I'm like This is him and Will Sylvain's talking. Hold on. Ah, you can't see it yeah he's a hung I think he was plowing uh Aniston for a while give that a gook no I wasn't privy to that oh yeah check it out Sally somebody I won't say who and I won't say where but there's a comic here in the city that told, he didn't know it was Leo DiCaprio.

He told Leo to shut the fuck up. That was me. You knew that was me, didn't you, you son of an onion? I don't think I knew this story. What? I mean, it's not a great story. You told him shut the fuck up. Come guzzler Ryan Reese over here books me on a gig at some hotel.

I did that too. Were we on the same night? No, I would have remembered it because I fucking died. I had a good set the night I was there, and I saw Tobey Maguire to my right. What? He was laughing. I got a few laughs out of Spider-Man. So Reese was like, hey, some people are coming.

Just keep doing your set. He wouldn't tell me who it was because he knew I'd freak out. And I'm on stage. I'm getting a couple titters. It's all these hot New York socialite types. Yeah, not good. And then in comes a guy, tall guy, baseball cap and like a COVID mask. So I couldn't see what it was.

And he comes in and just starts talking to his entourage. And I'm like, dude, what the fuck, man? And he just goes like a. And I was like, oh, gee. And he kept talking. I was like, all right, shut the fuck up. And it's DiCaprio? It was DiCaprio.

He fucking waved, Mark. Like, bitch, continue with your shot. Wow. Dance clown. I am talking over here. That is brutal to get it from one of the coolest actors. I know. One of these two?

But if I would have known, I would have been like, if I was only an 18-year-old Israeli model, huh? Something. I could have thrown something at him, but I didn't know what to do. Yeah, that would have won him over. I could have worked with the roommate. But Reese told me that later. He was like, I couldn't tell you because I knew you'd fuck with him.

You'd say personal shit. See, we'd know. Like, I remember when I was living in L.A. and I would do Trippin' on Tuesdays at the Comedy Store. That was like, well, I'd say more better Mondays, too. But I only saw it consistently at the Comedy Store on Tuesday nights where there would be prominent black directors or actors there.

Everybody would fucking know. And then everybody's set would just turn into, I'm auditioning for Spike Lee tonight. Of course. And I'm going to do how much I love Denzel. I'm going to do Denzel impersonation. So I think it's better. Which, by the way, does he ever cast other Denzel in his movies? No.

That doesn't seem like a good tactic. In the history of fucking at least black cinema, there's never been a, I saw him at the comedy club and I cast him since Chris Rock and Eddie Murphy Beverly Hills Cop Part 2. Oh, yeah. That was a comic strip, too. What about Guy Torre? He got American History X from you? Yeah, he had a show at the Comedy Store. Tripping on Tuesday.

That was his show. I think he got it from that, but I don't want to shit on your point. Then good for him. But he might be it. Edward Norton was like, he'd be a good black guy. He'll be my friend. Hey, listen. It's a skinhead movie i'm thinking about

what a conversation the role yeah he's a great he's an awesome dude he's so cool and he's got we got to get him on the pod his stories are fucking crazy well did you watch the documentary the tripping on tuesdays documentary i haven't seen it it's on amazon prime it it really sets up the spine of what became the black comedy culture in Los Angeles in the 90s. It's like during that Def Jam era. Yeah. And like the boom would just like on a given night, Bernie, Steve, some more would just walk in. And then it would just be Eddie in the crowd.

And then Jamie Foxx like early on. Like just imagine Jamie Foxx doing the pre-show. Do you know Jamie foxx at all do you know him at all no i met him once back in the days when he still had the foxhole over on series xm foxhole used to like play the fuck out of my prank calls like that was a get the money when when satellite radio first started and a lot of comedians didn't understand the concept of just digitizing your shit send your shit in the mp3 and email it yeah i had a really bad album that will never go any i i did it early on yeah yeah why not good off that shit yeah sure and i scrapped the fuck out of it the second i had a real album

dude they played the fuck out of my shit that's when like jamie would still do like the live friday show or whatever where do you meet him at the foxhole at the serious studios like that's the only i've only seen him in 3d one time in my life you know i do my sets i go home like i don't yeah you're dead i'm not a part even back then i didn't party because it's la you don't know what the fuck is in the drugs like i just started doing shrooms and now there might be fentanyl in that fucking stop that true you're talking you're telling stories about famous people in the crowd i got a good one for you is uh i remember we were doing joker gary goldman was doing the scene before me and i was on set with gary and you know where this is going probably but gary is getting

fucked with like a guy is laughing at the wrong part of his jokes and did they tell the extras during the comedy club i don't mean to cut you off but just for the context when you all performed in the comedy club scenes in joker did they let the extras in the audience choose where to laugh or was it like no i just did my set and i and i was doing they were laughing i think they were expecting me to suck and i had like i just played like my best jokes that were kind of timeless like a joke that would work in the 80s but gary goldman's on before me and i'm in an easy scene i'm in a scene where i just get the kill and then i go off and i fucking the joker eat shit but gary's scene is when he's going to the club to like discover comedy so he's just laughing at

the wrong parts of jokes to show that he doesn't get comedy and gary doesn't know it's Joaquin Phoenix so Gary nearly loses his mind he's so he's so close to just going what the fuck but he powered through and then he goes it was Joaquin I'm so glad I didn't Gary will fucking go out of heckler so he's our last white action

but I mean But, I mean, holy shit. I mean, thank God. That would have been awkward as hell. Could you imagine? What's wild, though, is that as intimidating as we might find it, most of the famous people don't want you to talk about them. Of course not. Correspondence gender.

How was that, doing that? You make eye contact with any famous motherfucking room, they look away. Oh, wow. They fucking look away. They want no parts because they think, like even here at this podium with a teleprompted script that I've polished for a month,

you think I'm still going to fucking go off script and just fuck with you. Hey, Lester Holt, let me tell you, I'm not. Well, they're the most insecure people on the planet and they have no skill to fire back so they can't look bad i know dude lester holt can drop bars that guy maybe a news anchor or somebody caitlin jenner's and stuff like that was caitlin jenner there yeah oh my did he talk to caitlin conway no i saw everybody at the red carpet and it was just like pacing and fast and then when i got

done i couldn't go out in the crowd because biden had to leave so they put the stage in a security bubble to no one in or out until biden and kamala leave right so by the time i'm cleared through security to go out and gen pop all the good people are gone it's just looking random interns and yeah were you when was the last dinner before you were you were the first in a while right it was trevor and then it was the drought because of trump it was wolf menage did it that was that was before michelle oh really damn yeah it was hassan wolf an author because wolf pissed everybody off that's right they were all sensitive to wolf and then two years of covet then trevor i think you guys love trump

it would have been great if trump would have been there for wolf oh oh my god that would have been legendary that's his villain origin story he was at the one and obama made a joke about him yes he doesn't make that joke. We're living in an alternate. It's like a Rick and Morty different universe. Obama just resists the urge. No, I don't. I don't really. The only people I don't really like in the audience where I like I know there's going to be a dead spot is athletes.

Like if I had to choose again, I would rather host the correspondence dinner than say the espys have you done the espys no i've never done it but i just think of the norm clip where he's just where he's just they pan who i love ken griffey jr but he's just like and then he does this he goes yeah because norm's saying oj shit and but that was tough to see because i fucking growing up ken griffey jr was, who didn't love that guy? But I'm like, I'm a comic. It's fucking Norm, dude. That would crush my soul, bro, if I bombed in front of my favorite fucking athletes.

Because then I would get angry and then come at you and say something shitty about your productivity. Too busy to cook but still want to eat well? Factor has you covered. Skip the meal planning, the trips to the grocery store, the prepping factor has you covered skip the meal planning the trips to the grocery store the prepping the chopping and the cleaning up factor america's number one ready to eat meal kit delivers chef chef prepared dietician approved meals right to your door always fresh never frozen and ready in two minutes yeah i mean all the meals are really good i've eaten a lot of these they sent me a bunch if they want to send more, I will eat them. So go for it. If you want extra fancy for literally zero effort, check out their

gourmet plus meal options. These upscale meals have premium ingredients like broccolini, truffle butter. If you want a little extra treat factor, isn't just what's for dinner. If you want to, if you never want to cook again, you're in luck stock up on delicious breakfast, snacks, smoothies, shakes, juices, so every meal can be a Factor meal. Whether you're looking to boost your protein intake, cut back on the cows, follow a vegan, vegetarian, or keto lifestyle, Factor has what you need. Head to factormeals.com slash drunk50 and use code drunk50 to get 50% off. That's drunk50 at factormeals.com slash drunk50 to get 50% that's drunk 50 at factor meals.com slash drunk 50 to get 50 off oh yeah athletes are just too serious i bombed a gig for the rangers once and it was it was heartbreaking it was like and i'm not even a hockey i'm like basketball first by a lot but i like hockey

and i'm eating shit and i remember the only guy who was cool to me there it was like a scene out of anchorman aloutwig was there. It was Al Troutwig, you know, from the Olympics. He comes up. I swear to God, he like reeks of scotch. And he goes, and I go, oh, man, Al Troutwig. Man, I've watched you since I was a kid. And I was like, love you, man.

And he was like, well, I've never seen you, so my opinion remains to be seen. I was like, Jesus, what the hell? That's a classic Troutwig. Kenny Albert is hosting the gig. and Kenny Albert is the man. Kenny Albert's like, save my ass. He was like the nicest guy on the planet. And he hosts, and I'm bombing so hard. And Kenny Albert's laughing in the corner.

And just seeing that one laugh, I was like, I'm bombing, but at least this one dude is laughing. After you got that laugh, Al Trout was like, do you believe in miracles? is after you got that laugh al trovo it's like do you believe in miracles but anyway the the cherry on top of the bomb is adam graves who's a rangers legend i've probably told this story in the pod before but it's been a while at least adam graves walks over to me and goes he can't think of a compliment so the line he hits me with is i love humor that's all out that's all adam graves could give me is i love you it That's all Adam Graves could give me is I love humor. It broke my heart because I was like fucking Adam. I remember waiting outside the garden to get his autograph

as like a kid and this is how it comes full circle. You gotta go to a game just go I love hockey. Athletes don't back down though. You look an athlete dead in the eyes from the stage they don't look away. There's no fear in them. I did tory holt this is 0708 this is hall of fame right i mean yeah whenever greatest show on turf era isaac bruce ricky prole kurt warner tory holt yeah um goes

back to raleigh every year and he does a cancer benefit and i get booked for the benefit and you know cancer benefits it is for a good cause and you were there to help people stay happy in the midst of something sad but the order of the show is always fucked because they put the comedy after the video and now we're going to show you the video

of all of the people that have helped benefited from the foundation and it we're going to show you the video of all of the people that have helped benefited from the foundation and it's pictures of a lot of people yeah and it's all yay this is what the foundation does sure and then there's and here's a video from a person who was here last year who is now dead and now we will play the dead person's video and now roy yeah so like when you do those any like disease benefit show you're always after always the disease video there's an icu picture you know or something it's brutal it's a kid hooked up to tubes you're like oh come on man it's an honor it's just it is you are starting fucking 10 point it's fucking first and 40 yeah you walk on stage yeah just to get back

to the line of scrimmage you need your closer by fourth down it's fourth and 48 yeah like this got worse somehow i don't already would pick it up a purse was tough to follow and i'm fucking eating it and then i look over and marshall falk laughs and it's say marshall laughed and then they laughed because marshall and it was like roasting the boss at it because he was like the most senior motherfucker of all the players that were there he was like the he was the biggest balls in the room fuck yeah and he was the coolest on that whole team was fuck bro he was probably my favorite player in the league at that time he was so cool the joke started working and it's like 15 minutes but i like ate shit for like the first five or six yeah you make the adjustments but it's just not fun i did a um i well i survived a brooklyn

nets um season ticket holder event and the players were there and so who is who is the biggest who is the biggest guy there this is two years ago this is duran they're both there harden was not there okay and this is kairi in the peak of no covet vaccine i don't want to i don't know if i'm going to stay all that shit and the whole shoot it ben simmons is there like during that era where they're heckling ben simmons for not so there's already a list of shit i can't talk about but it's weird in that the season ticket holders are laughing but in your head and you're there for the season ticket holders but you can't help but look over in the corner and see if katie's laughing or see if oh my god so like you know we don, you don't care if Leo laughs.

Even if you knew that was Leo, you wouldn't give a fuck. But there's just something about athletes versus any other form of celebrity where you're like, please, when I look over there, let there be at least a smirk on his face. And I look over, and KD's just talking to somebody and not even paying attention. And I'm like, perfect.

That is the perfect... Best best case scenario that is a fucking no decision i went to a pelicans game with hannibal once and he him and kd were hugging so he must know comedy there's a lot of guys that fucking you know who fucking loves comedy harrison barnes really for the maps now at the time he was with the he's on sacramento i think now yeah like he's he's bounced around he's a good player yeah i know north carolina guy i went to a game and he like came over and like was like it was a hyper specific like not even on the daily show type of clip that he saw of mine i was like oh fucking that's cool blake griffin too he's a man he did stand up, right?

He tried stand up. He did my show at New York Comedy Club. The ladies were swooning. Yeah, Blake's a handsome guy. Can you be too handsome for comedy? Yes. Yeah, right? Of course.

But don't tell that to people buying tickets right now. Good point. No, I mean, like, D'Lea still had to deliver. Matt Rife still has to deliver. Yeah, for sure. Handsome only gets you 10 minutes of grace on stage. I'm trying to think, who are the other, well, I know D. Ray Davis brings them out. Beautiful eyes.

He's got nice eyes. Women come in, like, parties of eight, and, like, I look at, I go out and look at my audience, and there's, like, two tables of women, and the rest is just all couples. I'm like, shit. I think it's a disadvantage. and there's like two tables of women and the rest is just all couples. I'm like, shit. We're the fucking hot people. I think it's a disadvantage. I remember the season on, I mean, in terms of selling tickets,

it probably helps you because you're attractive to women. Well, women drive comedy sales more than men. Exactly. Do they? But if we're talking funny, we'd all be funnier if we were fatter. That's true.

The season where it's always sunny where Mac gets fat, he's the funniest he's ever been. That's good that is funny you gotta stop losing weight i've thought about that but i've always been at that point where my physique has always been i need to gain 50 pounds or lose 30 okay hmm well seinfeld said if any comic gains or loses 50 they're they lose they're funny yeah you lose like you you lose the job like i'm i'm legit scared of losing the roundness of my face like cheekbones aren't funny no no define jawline yeah for me at least it doesn't fucking work like anthony anderson's a great example of that where he he lost a lot of weight and still maintained

the funny because like i went back and watched the first barbershop and it's like he's so good and you can't even recognize him compared to like the way he looks now i'm blackish right those those movies were fucking good yeah that shit still stand up they made three of them yeah cedric is like insanely good in those movies yeah look at that look at that change. Jeselnik, another hot comic. That's true. But Anthony goes so hard that it's almost like, you know, he's like making fun of it.

Sure. You know, it's like he's so self-aware. Yeah. I respect it, though, with Jeselnik. He's a great joke writer. Because if someone still wants to fuck him after an hour of what he does, she's back.

That's a real woman. Yeah. You got a good one. Yeah yeah but as far as like mr x there's probably not a better joke writer working than anthony i mean i mean i think of like mr at comics like jimmy carr is great at mr x you know but but i think his anthony is like that that to go that dark and stick the landing is tough. Good name for a trans drag queen, misdirect. Because you think you're going one way. That's fucking killer. Write it down. On that misdirect side, I don't think, nah.

I was going to say Sean Rouse, RIP, was kind of a one point over. Gary Veeder's got great misdirects, too. We're talking like misdirects. Yeah, but they're longer pieces. Here's the whole joke in 10 seconds. Anthony's filling an hour. He'll do some longer bits. That's true.

So do you guys have any peeves? I remember you said you came in hot with some peeves. I got so many fucking peeves. Oh, I got one out of the gate. I got a peeve for you. So I have a girl staying with me, and she just was like, she follows me into the bathroom. I fart. And she's like oh come on i was like this is where you do this oh yeah you follow me the place i'm supposed to you want

me to leave my home to fart this is where it happens right you chose to follow me in here i'm fine with it but don't get mad at the fart was this an act of deliverance by you though sam no no i was already in there. She's pretty considerate. You could have farted on her, which is what I would have done. And I've done that, too. And I'll give her that peeve. She gets that one. The old Dutch oven.

I'm with you. Yeah. I'm kind of in a place where I'm tired of, like, asking for it. So the thing I do now, in a i try to pretend to like you know how long until you notice me until you come over and ask me if i need assistance like i think we're out of that that retail experience oh that's over we'll come over hey how you doing i'm here to help let me know especially in new york in clothing stores you still get it sometimes yeah but i'm talking like best buy yeah no that's over yeah and that's fucked up and i don't like that so

like you're standing there and you're doing nothing you see me over here and i'm trying to find the court that does the thing i'll just start carrying shit i'll just start pulling stuff off shelves and just carrying it and just creating a stack of shit to make it look like something. To the pet peeve, it's the lack of customer service now and the annoyance, like the attitude. Yes. But the societal POV of I don't get to complain because every job is stressful and you must the the peeve isn't the bad customer service is that somehow i'm wrong if i dare to say hey good point can someone help me i don't have the fucking key to the deodorant

i've hit this fucking button that's a good point 10 times yeah and no one's come so then when i go find you you're annoyed and then i can't be annoyed that you're exactly you're not getting paid enough and i understand that but then i don't get to go on twitter and go fuck walgreens and this stupid locking up with the deodorant. Right. That's good. The stealing made it harder for the people that don't steal because now we're just like, dude, what the fuck? And then you start thinking, maybe I should steal. Yeah.

I'm the chump now. Guy who steals. Yeah, yeah. You can do it to an airline. You notice you can go, hey, fuck you, United. You skipped my whatever. You didn't get my ticket right. And everybody's like, good for you because that's a huge,

it feels like that's a huge company it's a faceless this is you know people get actively fucked by airlines that's why airlines are the easy one but but he's getting fucked he's still getting fucked but but that's not that's not fucking your day the way a nine hour united delay fucks your day sure sure but or the marlon Wayans fiasco where they made him size down three bags, but other people were getting on with it. They nitpicked his carry on. And it was a very ticky tack thing. Do you think it was someone who didn't like his work? Or someone trying to make a name? It's got to be personal.

It's got to be personal. A white chick. Yes. I like the way he handled it. I thought it was pretty funny. Oh, he blasted him. Marlon was on his neck the thing with delta three days straight really i missed this whole thing oh he was on him even now he calls back to it like it's a call back in his social media you know how long you have to ride somebody for the algorithm to make sure you've seen

every version of the fucking joke damn you don't want to piss him off because the 12 siblings are flying too yeah yeah he did a whole you lost keenan you lost shantae yeah yeah yeah but the idea it's not so much about bad service i understand getting bad service but the idea that we can't complain about good point bad service under the guise of retail equity well then what's the price point what what's the what's the what's the wage where i get to go hey that was kind of fucked up service right it's not door dash like i get it it's a motherfucker on a bike bringing you your shit you'll get it when you get it it might be wrong seamless you can complain there's a robot you can complain to

yeah but i would never go public with that. Like when the door dashers get creepy with women and the Uber drivers are fucking weird. Shame them. That's a whole other thing. I'm with you. Shame those fuckers, yeah. You brought me barbecue sauce instead of honey mustard.

It's fine. I let that shit slide. But if you dare curl your mouth to have a problem with the retail experience in this country, there are people who just act like everything should be absolved because we're in a wage crisis. Right. And there still has to be pride in your work. Agreed. And then you check out and it's like 20% tip?

What? You got a tip? I got a tip for this lousy service? Yeah. We don't have to. I'm not going to say it. Bleep this name out. But one time I was at, we were drunk, Taco Bell at four in the morning.

This is like 2008. And the lady was just really doing a shoddy job and half-assing it. And he's like, she's fucking this up. He's watching her. And he's like, what the hell's going on back here? And then she gave him the burrito and he ripped it open. And he's like, I said no sour cream. And she was like, whatever.

And he goes, don't take the job if you're not gonna do it well and i was like nate get the fuck chill out man you know it's four in the morning who cares we're drunk and he was like you don't take the job you're not gonna do it well and i was like i'm pulling him off the desk i'm like let's go man and we left and uh i was like what a psycho but now i kind of get it i've grown up it's well you can't mess up the order and then be mean to him too yeah well he was like, what a psycho. But now I kind of get it. I've grown up. Well, you can't mess up the order and then be mean to him, too. Yeah, well, he was like, see, I'm watching her fuck it up. But if I show out, the story is, well, that comedian guy was an asshole. Exactly.

I bought a fucking TV mount thing. Like, you know how you can put like a little decorative piece of whatever the fuck behind your tv on the wall so your tv's not flush up against your wall sure i buy one of these things to nice little decorative thing behind the tv and led it up that's like i buy the shit the guy delivers it sign lets me i sign for the delivery and he goes all right thank you and i go who the fuck is putting this up i he goes oh no we don't do we don't do that and so then i drive i don't even call i don't email i get in a fucking cab and i go back to the furniture store and i went what the fuck oh yeah we don't do installation i asked when you all come in and put this up and she was like yeah

we'll get it in your home and it'll be nice and when i think back to the whole conversation she never said we'll put it up she was like it's gonna look so good on your wall yeah but that's misleading yeah and i'm like that's fucked up another good name for a trans write that down okay keep going but that's that's good stuff that's misleading she tricked you yeah but it's only so hard i had a similar thing happen with uh with a oven installation a place i can't didn't have a working oven the gas wasn't on for like 10 months i finally got the gas on it's a new york it's like you pay a shitload of money and your place doesn't work it's amazing i have drilling by the way you've seen the drilling in my home.

I go to Chris DiStefano's podcast studio today. There's drilling in his fucking podcast studio. It's like the one reason you rent a studio is to be quiet. But anyway, the plumbing company, every review is one star. Like, I shit you not, it's like 30 reviews in my building. It's like, this is who we use. So I'm like, literally, I know they're going to suck, but I'm kind of like, all right, they know the building you trust i shit you not

35 straight one star reviews yeah and all of them like they're the worst don't trust them they the guy is like comes by pretty quickly to a consultation i'm like okay he's like this is what it's gonna cost fine uh you're all're all set Monday at 9 a.m. I say, perfect. He goes, you're booked. You're perfect. Monday at like 9.20, they don't come. So I just am like, fuck, let me call the place.

They go, oh, you have to call with us to confirm. I'm like, he didn't say that. The call is to confirm. No, I mean, him saying you're booked is like, that's the confirmation. That's it. But yeah, it's shit like that where you're like, all right. But then they, you know, they got it up. They got it running eventually.

And that's why I'm not an angry person because I don't have like an in-between. So it's like it's psychotic or I just have to fucking let it go. And there's an air conditioning company they charged me for a part they came in they looked at the ac unit and they go okay you need this part and the part costs two thousand dollars fifty percent for an ac unit sums i don't know shit about ac and you fucking got me by the balls they They rooked you. Because it's fucking free. So I got no fucking, so I fucking pay the 50%. Three months go by. Oh, yeah, we can't come and the park's here and we got to come back and assess another thing and a thing and a thing.

Okay, cool. I go to the building super. What the fuck, man? Oh, yeah, that's a new state of the art AC thing. And there's only three companies that can fix it and that's our company and same shit these are our guys they come turns out the problem with the ac unit was the whole floor and they fixed the issue in the hallway whatever some switch shit is so now my ac works. I need that thousand dollars back.

Exactly. That she fucking charged me for the part. And they're fucking not replying to that email. Ooh. Uh-huh. And so I'm trying to give it like another fucking week. I got to go on vacation for two weeks with the boy. So I don't have the time to like properly.

Right. Attack. But there's no, we're past emails. This is a thousand dollars. I'm showing up to your office. Good. I'm showing up to your fucking office with the credit card that we fucking used over the phone and i want my fucking thousand dollars and if the answer is no you fucking double you start double clutching i'm gonna find out where you park your fleet of vehicles double clutching another good name for a trans uh yeah drag queen

i'm gonna rent some sort of vehicle and and I'm just, vehicles, plural, and I'm just going to block the exit for your fleet. I love it. So you just can't go fix shit today. Great. This is good. Street justice. And it's not criminal, per se.

Probably saying it on a podcast, not bright. But at minimum, it's a fine, whatever. Even if it is criminal, it's misdemeanor. I'll pick up paper on the freeway. I'm fine. That's some Southern shit. They don't do the freeway paper punishment. With the stick, with the nail on it. Yeah, orange vest in the middle of a fucking 75 mile an hour we're both southern i remember seeing those guys like i gotta shape up you know

on the highway but that might be the hospitality part of it because i feel like down south there wasn't a lot of this it's more of a it's for sure new eastern well it's also the pace is different and sure the northeast than it is in the south but see and that's also the pace is different in the Northeast than it is in the South. But see, and that's the difference, though, is that hospitality costs time, too. Because when you're in a New York minute, clock in your head, motherfuckers move too fucking slow. That's true. And I got to say, the South is sort of an honor system. Like, there's a code of honor in the South that I don't think we have as much up here. We're both New Yorkers.

There's like, we'll police our own down down there and you'll handle it our way like what you just described the truck thing we don't really do that good point i do declare yeah no you're right and but there's only so wild i can be with an apartment company that literally knows where i live right right but you get some uh some street friends you know those friends who smoke weed all day don't really have a gig and they're like i would love to park in front of this asshole those are the guys that fuck it up like those are the people you don't want to owe a favor to that's true those are the guys on a wire they're supposed to throw the gun in the river but they throw it and it hits a barge instead and then the police find the murder weapon that's true all right how about this you had a peeve yeah i got a couple this one i'm gonna

start out with my closer like it's a fucking cancer benefit with marshall falk there uh you ever have this guy you go and he goes oh you're yawning do i bore you are you tired am i making you tired i'm like i can't yawn now you ever the guy call you out for yawning i yawned it's not a personal attack and sometimes yes you are boring me sometimes if i'm yawning in a guy's face then yeah maybe you're not fucking guess you know where i didn't yawn during a fucking chuck norris uh a rat mouth scene yeah that was cool as shit. Those are like the people when you bring food in a room and no one else is eating, and then they go,

did you bring enough for all of us? No. Right. No, I didn't. I guess my ride's here. There's always that guy. But yeah, no, you're right. I can't stand that.

And then they're like, yeah, maybe you are boring now. Why am I getting yelled at? Because you're boring. Maybe you've got to step it up. That's a whole other angle. That's definitely a peeve for sure. Fucking yawn, yawn. And the people that get mad at you are yawning.

They're like, now I'm yawning. I'm like, well, then leave me alone. I know, I know. You don't have to be right next to me. And now I'm hiding my yawns. I'm like, you with farting with your lady. I'm like going in another room to yawn. And then I come back so I don't piss this guy off.

You ever try and do that mid-sentence where you lock your jaw and let the yawn exhale? A lot of bad dates. But it comes out weird. It's like trying to clench your butt sheesh with a fork. I'm stretching my throat. That's what I'm doing. That is a weird yawn. Fucking boring.

Yeah, yeah, that kills me. I hate that guy. All right. I got another peeve. I got lots of peeveswn. Fucking boring. Yeah, yeah, that kills me. I hate that guy. All right. I got another peeve. I got lots of peeves today. A lot's bothered me lately. Wait, wait, is Jamie Foxx all right? I think he's okay now.

Is he out? As far as I know. I think he had, it seemed like he had a stroke, right? Yeah, but I mean, since then he's gotten canceled and apologized and been cleared. Oh, that's right. Once you're getting canceled. As a Jew, really? Are we really going after Jamie Foxx?

It was something, the post was like, they went after Jesus. Be careful about fake friends. You know, they killed Jesus. What would they do to you? But it's like, yeah, but they, it's like, he's me, I didn't read into that as anti-Semitism. It's common conversational shit in the black community. It's not said in the spirit as anti-Semitism. It's common conversational shit in the black community.

It's not said in the spirit of anti-Semitism. I didn't read it as that. If somebody wants to take it as that, that's a separate fucking thing. Also, you have to assume that Jews killed Jesus. For you to get there, you have to assume that Jews were the ones that killed Jesus. It was the Romans who killed Jesus. They put him to death. Oh, really?

They had the death penalty. There's a lot of layers there. And then Jennifer Aniston liked the post, and she had to apologize. And I'm like, fun world we're. Oh, really? They had to death. There's a lot of layers there. And then Jennifer Aniston liked the post and she had to apologize. And I'm like, fun world we're living in, huh? They're like, oh, you're cosigning anti-Semitism? So the conversation about whether or not Jamie, how he meant it, was gone. Like, we're past that. Now it's you need to apologize.

And then Jamie apologized. So, I mean, it's all word under the bridge. My point is, if a motherfucker's been accused of something and apologized, he's doing better. But I was also like, can we give the guy a fucking minute, too, before we pile on? Because I'm also like a fucking, I'm a fan of Jamie Foxx. Sure, he's a talent. Yeah, I mean, he's a fucking great actor. I think what sucks about the whole Jamie Foxx thing with that whole post is that Lost in

that is that the man was basically saying to the world that he's been betrayed by somebody close exactly going through something in that post in itself i'm not gonna say it's a cry for help but it's definitely somebody bearing their emotions to strangers yes it's a guy who's in a bad place and then people in turn try to like like cancel him i i don't i don't like that shit at all. Those people should be in trouble. Enough with getting him in trouble. Like you're the bad guy for trying to out this dude.

It's like the Lizzo thing. There's real anti-Semitism. There's plenty to choose from. You don't have to go after that. I just think what I hate is when there is this degree of I know what you meant and you knew what you meant. Yes, yes. It's like, no, you can feel offended, but let's also respect that was not. That's not what I was going for.

That's not what I was going for. So then we still have the educational conversation. What the hell are you doing here? Is it your birthday? No, it's not my birthday. I'm your birthday, Mark. Oh. Happy birthday, dear Mark.

This is weird. God almighty. A brownie cake for Mark Norman. He couldn't wait until he left. This is very embarrassing. Happy birthday, dear Mark. Thank you. Happy birthday, dear Mark.

I'm going to blow this out. Happy birthday, buddy. Get COVID all over the cake. Blow it out before the wax gets all over the brownies. I want a corner piece, please. You missed one, buddy. Come on, Jamie Foxx, anti-semi. There we go.

I got my wish. Yeah, I didn't care for that shit at all, though. I thought that was... But you're right. He has a better point. He's making a point about something. And then we got to go, what about this? You know, it's like when you go, oh, so my gay roommate.

And people go, what are you, homophobic? I'm like, I said my roommate. But they're so quick to get you. They don't even hear what you said. Here's a good peeve, I think. People who, they follow up emails, and you don't even know them, but they do a follow-up email

with just a bunch of question marks. I'm like, I don't even know how you got my email. And now you're fucking annoying me? You're like, pushy? Right. I hate that shit. Can you reply, please? Where do we stand on this issue?

Yeah. It's like the nagging person who also, you don't know what an explanation to. Right. Those reply alls, they get lost, too. I try to find where we're at. It's a lot of emails to go through. Shit, man. I might go by that air-conditioned place.

Wait, so that didn't get rectified? Rather than send a reply email. They didn't get rectified rather rather than like send a reply they didn't they didn't give you the money back they did not reply let's say the name of the company fuck them no let's go through the proper protocols first and then we will fucking go on national television repeatedly you know what i want to do with whatever podcast i eventually start is instead of getting endorsements just have the freedom to just shit on it. Like, say who the podcast is not brought to you by. Go the other way.

Never make money. I like it. But also, just fucking slander. I love it. That's a good tactic. But just don't listen to that Ving Rhames speech before you go fuck with this company. I'm going to get some street dudes,

come out there with blowtorches. And we're going to get the diesel on the way. The pliers is the best part of that speech. I'm going to get some street dudes, come out there with blowtorches. And we're going to get the people over there. The pliers is the best part of that speech. I know. Some pliers. And Bruce Willis is standing there like, oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to fucking pull up on them because they wouldn't expect that.

Yeah, this is exciting. This is a TV show, getting back at companies. Yeah. You know, I wanted to do that. Like Nathan for you, but the opposite. This is a TV show, getting back at companies. Yeah. Like Nathan for you, but the opposite. Nathan against you. Roy's against you. I wanted to be that. So my degree is in broadcast, and I wanted to be like the six on your side,

fucking Better Call Bacaro, like the investigative journalist who gets to the truth. I wanted to do sports, but I was like, nah, I kind of like fucking with people. Yeah. There used to be a show. It came on after A Current Affair. I remember that. Before Maury Povich had his talk show, Bill Maher, not Bill Maher. We'll do it live. Bill O'Reilly?

Yeah. He had a show. There was, like, all these news magazine shows and there was a show called Fight Back. And it was just a little- Is that about Chris Brown? It was a little, no, it was a little short New Yorker dude,

might've even been Jewish. And he was just, the whole show was just him fucking with people on the behalf of regular consumers. Oh, this company didn't, they promised you Model 3, but they gave you Model 2. I love that. Yeah, David Horowitz. Oh, I company didn't. They promised you Model 3, but they gave you Model 2. I love that.

Yeah, David Horowitz. Oh, I remember Horowitz. Bro, that motherfucker was getting results every fucking episode. That's a great idea. Fight back. Let them know you can win. Motherfucker had a theme song. That's literally you've monetized outrage.

I mean, that's like Twitter in a show. Like, did you see this person this person? And this is what 1980s. Yeah, it's gotta be a show that That's great, he looks like inspector gadget right there Wow What? Wow. That's old school skimmers. Yeah, right? That's credit card skimmers for the 80s, bro.

Right. That's pre-identity theft. So that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to do some shit like that. So today I'm in my David Horowitz shit. I'm pulling up to that AC company. That'd be great if they were on the first episode. You should have your own show.

You're definitely like, if you don't, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but if you don't host a daily show, I think they will regret it John Oliver style where you will, someone will give you a show. Thanks, man. Someone will give you your own show. I'm not even sure though, like if political satire is even where I want to swim where do you think it is politics keeps you in a box

you put some more pop culture in there put some sports in there or talk to regular people so maybe it is a different show maybe it's not the daily show it's that or I think late night across the board it's got to change so the question becomes what is the daily show changing into and what is everybody else going to change into?

You know, recording out the box and they're doing At Midnight instead. Panel type stuff is probably going to come back for a little while. But I think even with that, there's a way to do something that's even different from that. By the way, they're so uncreative in Hollywood. They're bringing back a failed concept to replace a failed concept like fletch no but but i'm serious like apparently cordon show lost a shitload of money sure because that model is not working right now i don't think it's a knock on any of these guys it's a knock on the model it's way cheaper you don't have well yeah you don't have a whole audience so i think that's i think that's what they're

that's what they're banking on is that it's something that's a little bit more i had fun on it i did it midnight and i had fun on it like it was panel like we did chelsea like we're all panel i never did chelsea handler did you do it no i wish that show was huge. That show could make you. Yeah, I fucked it up for myself. Why? You fucked Sarah Colonna? No. Chewy? You fucked Chewy?

No, I went- R.I.P. Isn't he dead? Is he? Goddamn. Look at you, Salacuse. Don't fucking kill Chewy. I don't know.

I've been seeing R.I.P. Chewy on the back of uh i rock z's in la for a while yeah look first result chewy is not dead oh okay oh that's chewbacca oh that's chewbacca chewy there he goes chewy oh shit 2019 rip chewy you bastards like paul rodriguez Chewy. Oh, shit. Yeah, damn it. 2019 R.I.P. Chewy. R.I.P. Chewy. You bastards. Like Paul Rodriguez. Damn it, Chewy. So what happened on Chelsea?

I was, it was early in the show, like the first year of the show, before the show was the show. And it's all pop culture. And you know my stand up. I don't talk about celebrity stuff. And what my angle was going to be you know you well i know what fucking joe coy is gonna do and i know lani loves angle i'm gonna be the curmudgeon i'm like i was gonna be like the lewis black uh-huh like that was the mold i'm gonna be pop culture lewis black lewis black so lewis black is yeah lewis blacker. There we go. That's better. So I guess I went to Louis Black and being like, ah, what does this matter?

What are we doing? Why do we care? And the producers just fucking. I did it three times. The third time, I was edited out of the episode. Oh, no. And I was like, oh, I pissed somebody off. Whoops.

They edited you? So did they have you at the beginning and then you just disappeared? Yeah, give it up for our panel. Roy, Lonnie, Juliana Rancic. And then they did the panel and it was just Lonnie and Juliana. Oh, that's brutal. And then at the end of the segment, they cut to the wide shot and you just see me clapping.

Wow. Painful. And I didn't bomb, but... Was she pissed with you? I couldn't tell. She definitely didn't play off of it. I got the laugh from the audience, but I think in the tone of what they wanted that show to be, and it might... ESPN, knowing what I learned

later being at ESPN, if you're shitting on the product that they're trying to sell to the fans, even if it's funny, you're not good for the program. But but that's what we do we are the guys who make fun of the boss that's what they don't understand that's what comedians do and that next year letterman shitting on the network was huge yeah but letterman had balls he had like eight he was tenured he was a tenured professor yeah we're just hard to make your name that way i guess yeah and so then that next year you know josh wolf and everybody else they and they have a legit love like

ross matthews like they know how to do that shit in a way where it still feels you're revering yes what you're talking about and i didn't know how to do that shit in a way where it's oh but still i like botox treatments it was just why the fuck would you do that and the face what i don't even know when you're happy when your face like i'm just shitting on plastic surgery like and you can't do that with a show but there's a plastic surgery show coming on right after right right so yeah i the next year i see like the friends of chelsea tour and they're playing 1500 seat arenas and theaters and shit and i'm like fuck ah damn it's it's so funny because not not to blow you but i you know we see you you're doing great yeah we look up to you and then you forget that everybody has their scars

no matter who what level what talent everybody's got some kind of like chris rock tells you about snl and you're like oh wow you barely got any air time or he got cut out of sketches and you're like all right or you bombed after martin lawrence or whatever it is yeah but it was it took a buddy of mine when i started like dabbling in espn shit like in 2010 2011 where he's like and this is a guy went to journalism school with like no one will tell and that's the thing with comics nobody will tell you hey man don't shit on the thing that this network is built yeah yeah they just go you're funny be funny just do your thing and they think that you have i just didn't fucking know so i look at espn now i mean they're just firing everyone and there's no comedian like there's no comedic

scott van pelk will kind of have his moments of like insight but I feel like most people on ESPN now Stephen A is just like Tucker Carlson essentially it's like loud kind of like like shock shit you know that's what Skip Bayless does on Fox it's all just kind of like talking head shit it's not there's no substance there's not like a you know Rich Eisen or Stu Scott or like you know that type of show anymore. Because the thing with comedy, though, is that it requires you to not take yourself seriously. Right. I don't think you can really be in that realm and not still want to be respected as a revered journalist.

And then also make a quick joke. That's why it was easier to have Sports Nation and just put a comic on in the second segment and just let us be fucking crazy. And then apparently too many comedians got too crazy. And then one day it was just no more. Of course. It's like morning radio. They go, hey, be funny. And then you actually are funny and you shit on the lady and you shit on the segment.

And they're like, cut. This is no good. This is what I do. The show's name was Kenny and the Rag. I can't call her a rag. I don't get it. This doesn't make sense. The show's name was Kenny and the Rag. I can't call her a rag. I don't get it. This doesn't make sense. She's on the rag.

Yeah, exactly. So now that Chelsea shit taught me a valuable lesson, bro, because I feel like I fucked up a lot of money for myself. Because now if I did something on Food Network, it's just food is delicious. Yeah, yeah. You love food. It is funny that that is our instinct as comedians they hand you like a souffle

and you're like oh and they're like that was my life right there that was i mean vargas he put it well he said one time he did a show a corporate gig and no one is laughing he's like when no one's laughing as a comedian just feel like you're giving a mean speech and it's so true he's just shitting on this shit on this product shitting on your wife shitting on your family he's just mean that's comedy yeah yeah but it's meant to have laughter that's the problem of course it's like it's like making a fucking pie without sugar right you need sugar you know the painful thing about like morning tv and like like i'm headed to lexington kentucky or i would have gone by the time this airs. You know what's funny? We talked about that club recently.

Do you remember? Off-Broadway? Yeah, coming off-Broadway. Great club. Yeah, classic. That news show is like a 20-year institute. It's been the same fucking host, and it's the same four. You can tell they're asking the same questions as well.

The morning show there? Yeah. I bombed on that fucking morning show. There's a clip of me. I thought that was deliberate, though. Oh, yeah, of course. I was trying to burn a hole. I mean, I was like,

the only way this is funny is if I fucking eat shit. You, Steve Byrne, and Tracy Morgan. Do the short one if you find it. If you actually know. Tracy Morgan on morning TV. Kentucky. Fucking wild.

There is a clip of Tracy Morgan. I was just in Portland. Very sensitive people. I think it's the lack of protein. But I went in there. You know what happened to me? I went to the club and this guy was like, I got those three hot women

and I was like, thank you very much. And he said, it takes a woman like me to get them in. And he had a five o'clock shadow like me. And I was like, you're a guy though, right? And he said, excuse me. And I was like, oh no. Hey, you were a trouble band. I know. And he said, I said, I'm me. I was like, you're a guy though, right? And he said, excuse me? And I was like, oh no. Hey, you were in a trouble band. I know.

And he said, I said, I'm sorry, I made a mistake. And he said, screw you. You made a mistake. And I said, I can clearly see that you're a woman now because you're furious at me and I have no idea why. Okay, keep pondering that one. Keep pondering that one. Her reaction kills me.

The accent and everything. That's a good joke. What the fuck? But but you know what i would just kind of like when i when it would be going nowhere i just kind of do bits i know would bomb because i thought it'd be funnier tv oh i love hammer and but you know that one is a funny one to do there is a clip from like 15 years ago tracy morgan doing a morning show in El Paso. And halfway through the clip, he folds one leg under himself and pretends to be a Vietnam War amputee. In the middle of live fucking television. I love him. And it is just so fucking chaotic.

I fucking love Tracy Morgan. Well, you can't argue with a guy who's got... Dude, he's so skinny here. Holy shit. You're not too bad looking yourself. I love you. Join us on Monday's edition of Good Morning El Paso. 5 a.m. to 7.

Oof. Yeah, yeah. That's where they don't get. Good morning El Paso. You missed a great interview with a friend of mine, Tracy Morgan. A buddy of mine. I'll never see him again. Tell him some jokes, comic strip, make him some observations. No, go to the other one. Tracy Morgan, waste it. It's going to say like... A buddy of mine. I'll never see him again.

No, go to the other one. Tracy Morgan, Wasted. It's going to say like, yeah. Where are we? He was a fucking twig back then, dude. I don't even think he was wasted. I think that's just his strategy. Right. I saw him in an interview recently say,

they're like, you lost so much weight. And he goes, Ozempic. Like, you never hear celebrities be honest about that. I love him. Yeah, let it roll from right there. Another Brooklyn guy. Uh-oh, we just lost your microphone. He took his mic off.

He's holding the lav with his hand. That's when you call the club. Isn't that crazy? Come on, don't go to break. This is Texas. Uh-oh, Chrysler stole this. What's up? Uh-oh, Chrysler stole this. Right after this, here it comes. More dancing, more shirtless action.

Love, it's all love. Right here, yeah. I'm Captain James T. Kirk. I'm Mr. V. Agna. Oh, no. One of your favorite characters. I got to get them wheelchair gloves. You know, the black leather one with the fingers cut off.

I'm going to stop asking questions. Do Spoonie Love. Do a little bit of Spoonie Love. Can you do that for me? This is the character you do with Cranky Anchors. One of my favorites. Wow. You might want to hold that.

Let me see. Spoonie Love was on. Shame on, no, I can't do Spoonie. Spoonie was graphic. Yeah, you're right. I get his children watching. But I did get his leg blown off in Vienna. Well, apparently you have no problem sticking your shirt up.

For no reason. You have to do that. You have to do that. Otherwise, no one's going to come to the show. Dude, I love Tracy Morgan. We were behind him at a Knicks game once, and he just kept turning around. It was me and Anthony DeVito,

and he just keeps turning around and going, Michael Beasley's having the game of hisito, and he just keeps turning around and going, Michael Beasley's having the game of his life, and Tracy just keeps turning around and going, real animals eat meat. And we're like, I don't even know what this is. I don't know what that means either, but I love it. I'm dying. But we were like, yeah. Watching Michael Beasley just go off and Tracy Morgan just turning to us

and speaking nonsense. I was like, I fucking love him. When I still lived in Birmingham, is like oh 405 or whatever year Jay-z the black album came up that year Tracy comes to Birmingham first joke and this is super and Birmingham is still a conservative like even black people there little pearl clutchy yeah and religious and with tracy you're oh three and so then you don't even know like they're thinking they're getting snl tracy so it's a lot of white people in the crowd first fucking joke out of his fucking mouth he goes yeah y'all like to excuse me

back there you see a little sauce on my fucking mouth my wife's on a period but I still fuck though I like ketchup on my frankfurter oh three tables get up you think you're getting a clean show

and that's what he opens with first joke is i like ketchup on my frankfurter i love it he fucking walked through it's the quickest i've ever seen someone walk wow like uh i've seen people at mooney show hold on and then not realize that they left right before the last joke all right like they've settled their check and then they just fucking, and it's not like- Because Paul Mooney would do like two hours, you mean? Well, that, you know,

Mooney would go in on white people to their face. Oh, yeah, it was awkward. But he would talk about the race. He wouldn't talk about you specifically, but he would talk about white people so viscerally that the whole room is looking at you to see how you're reacting to material about your people. And then if you made it through

the show mooney would like congratulate you like he would he will you ain't like the ones how you ain't like the mother hunkies and he would give you a shirt right right free merch if you endure but when tracy morgan got in trouble for whatever gay joke that was i was like that's the least offensive thing he's ever said that's like not that bad he said crazy shit sitting at the cellar damn he's uh he never doesn't make me laugh like he's one of those dudes great he just will by the way he's a dude that will like if you see him at the cellar i feel like we'll have this like intense conversation he'll be like he'll be like give me this pep talk and then i see him the next time he has no idea who i am oh yeah he's definitely one of those who like i think is so, but then just doesn't remember you.

Yeah, he's got a lot going on. But I think he meant it. No, that's what I mean. In the moment, I'm like, he's a fucking sweet guy. He's fucking... He's got a great comedians in cars. Him and Seinfeld have a good back and forth. Is he in one of Seinfeld's cars, or did they take his Lamborghini?

Took the Lambo. Yeah. But I think Seinfeld drove cars, or did they take his Lamborghini? Took the Lambo. Yeah. But I think Seinfeld drove it. That's fucking awkward. Yeah. He got like Seinfeld. I saw him once at Caroline's, and I think he would get the light. He just didn't want to do long.

I think we get the light at like at 45 and just wrap up. So he would be mid-sentence, get the light, and be like, thank you very much. And they'd be like, what? But that was the light. That was it. The greatest shit I've seen in terms of a stage exit, Damon Wayans. I used to love Wayans.

Senior Damon Wayans. It was just a regular showcase night at Flappers in Burbank. And he goes on stage and calls for an Uber. Wow. In his hand. On stage. And if you're close enough, you know what the app looks like. He's calling for an Uber.

Wow. He places the phone down and proceeds to destroy for seven, eight fucking minutes, and then just looks at the phone, like in the middle of just a crescendo of a joke. All right, my Uber's here. I'll see y'all. And he flips and turns the phone to the car. You can see like the little car.

Wow. And he just walked out the door. Yeah, I just wanted to do something real quick while I wait for an Uber. Yeah, that's incredible. Do you know Damon Wayans at all? Not personally. Like professionally, we've worked together once or twice, but not, like, I'm closer to

junior. Oh, yeah. Just because there's comedy graduating classes or whatever, but. Sure. No, I've never, like, I couldn't call him or fucking, if he walked in the room, we could speak, but. You were in Only Murders in the Building. Yes.

Whoa. That's a cool fucking cameo. And you're in a scene with Martin Short and Steve Martin damn I just watched The Jerk today that's so crazy improv kings bro improv kings bro and they didn't even fucking the one scene we had

they didn't even fucking use it like they I'm trying to think of two people who play off of each other better than them. Maybe Tina and Amy. Yeah. Tina and Amy is definitely some Jordan Pippen.

I just know where you're going before you even like just fucking throwing oops to each other. Like they were fucking great, bro. Yeah. Wow. And then like personable, like just in the green room i had a gig in atlantic city the same night as them and you know like you get to a show casino gigs you see like a big crowd in line like oh is this my these are the people for my show you're like no your theater is around the corner this is the bigger venue that you didn't know shit about right right um so i asked

them a bunch of questions just about their live show i don't know if they still do it now but they they tour like a two-man bantery yes thing it's on netflix they do but it's structured like there's proper structure and they trash each other yeah yeah whenever they would do promo for that show on any talk show they would just take over the talk show by shitting on each other and i was like this is gold it's gold they're so good at it yeah was that was that fun as hell to shoot yeah that was fun it was exteriors though it was winter so they weren't well we shot we shot some stuff in the car that was green screen but the front half of the scene was like outside proper snowstorm so like they're like you know

get it yeah get it done like all of this take your time we'll do a bunch of takes it's like no make a choice figure out what you want to do and then it's almost like your job is to just be still and just let them fucking make circles around you yeah see those gigs are almost bittersweet for me because i'm in the hotel room showering like boy steve martin i'm gonna get him to like me i'm gonna say that one thing he's gonna love me he's gonna go you you got it kid and martin short's gonna hug me and high five me and then you don't say three words and you go home wouldn't say the thing would happen with guy fieri ah geez i'm gonna tell your story i'll tell my Tommy Davidson story. Oh, all right. Booty call.

So, I'm doing a fully loaded with Kreischer, and Guy Fieri is shooting a Something's Burning. And I was like, I'm going to get Guy Fieri to like me. I'm going to win him over. So, they're getting the barbecue ready, and Bert can't turn the oven on. He can't get the oven working. He can't light it. And I go, man, Bert, you'd make the worst Nazi. And Guy Fieri just turns to me and goes, what?

And I was like, I thought I had a zinger. I thought I had a home run. He hated it. And I didn't bother him again. And you're done. It was done. If you were me, he kept looking past me. He wouldn't make eye contact.

Marcus spent too much time with comedians that he thinks the way to make friends with Food Network people is nazi humor i'm gonna do it i'm like he was smoking a cigar he was drinking he seemed like a fun guy i think he's the secretly dark host yeah a lot of them are but you gotta warm up to that's true no warming see bobby flay you gotta hear this mexican joke buddy come here I always feel better when I find out people that put out this good boy image actually do drink or snort cocaine or some shit. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's in the kitchens and stuff.

That's the other thing of why you think he would maybe. I feel like Bourdain would have at least snickered at that joke. Yes, definitely. They're dark people. They're all tatted up. Well, Bourdain clearly was dark. So Tommy Davidson, that was the first big dark, you know, but. Yeah. So Tommy Davidson. So that was like the first like big name act I ever opened for.

Like A-lister. And this is 98. So Living Colors just ended. He's had a couple. He's got a good movie run happening or whatever. And so what I thought, I thought I was going to have the Chris Rock, Beverly Hills Cop 2. Uh-huh. And so what I thought, I thought I was going to have the Chris Rock Beverly Hills Cop 2. I'm going to wow him with this 15 minutes of fucking book buyback jokes in Florida State. That's all I fucking had at the time.

And so I was opening for him at the Comedy Zone in Charlotte. Good club. I like that room a lot. This is the old, old one when it was still on Independence Boulevard. It was like way out,vard it's like way out like commercial like way out so it's a three-day gig i packed two weeks worth of luggage on because it's the week of midterms i know i'm going to flunk this semester because i'm taking the gig and the idea is okay i'll rip tommy will love me oh no and then he'll say come back to los angeles with me wow because i thought that's legit how i thought hollywood because that's how movies are

yeah and the only story you've heard is the chris rock story up until that point a roy can dream eddie saw him ed Eddie put him in Beverly Hills Cop 2, and then he got Bring the Pain. And you don't realize there's like huge gaps of work that happened in between. Exactly, yeah. So every night I go up, and I'm doing well. I'm doing well.

Perfectly fine for a Friday night $30 ticket. 19, maybe 20 years old. Sunday night. Now, mind you, I'm introducing Tommy so I'm only seeing him when he's coming to the stage because at this point he's not in the room. I don't know this. But he's not in the room

when I'm fucking on stage. But I'm thinking he's in the room like all the other meathead, C-list headliners you work for who show up at the top of the show so i'm assuming tommy sees me but i can never get to him because after the show he's got meet and greets and he's got the man go ahead and so i figure sunday night i'm gonna talk to him so i'll bring my luggage to the club i've got all of my luggage in the club because I know Tommy Davidson is gonna take me back with him to the fucking Airport because that's how entertainment works and I go up and I rip best set of the weekend I come

back to the green room I bring Tommy down and I'm just and I decide I'm not leaving the green room until I talk to him so and you know how long it takes after the last show he does meet and greet that's a fucking hour then he's gotta go do paperwork that's another 10-15 fucking minutes but I see his things he has to come back to the green room for his things

so I'm gonna fucking sit right here Tommy Davidson comes in he looks at me he goes hey bud didn't see anything you did but they said you did good. Keep it up. Wow. And disappeared into the night.

And I'm just standing there like, what the fuck am I going to do? With my luggage. I just flunked out of fucking school. You're like trying to think of all this shit to say, but you just realize you'll sound crazy. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You can't leave. Right. I'm from school. Take me back to L.A. with you.

Here's my luggage. Oh, man. I thought that motherfucker was going to take me and put me in Ace Ventura 3. Holy shit. I forgot he was the dude. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. Wow. Yeah, he had he had a run man i used to love that shit when he he did a living color and him and jamie fox would do

like the uh jamie fox like the tough guy and he was a sidekick oh i can't think of the name of the sketch but it was he's a funny guy yeah and and then you like work with him numerous times after that and i like told him that story. And he's like, motherfucker, why would I take you back to California? Because he laughed at it. Yeah, it was all fucking love. Well, that's the win that you know him now. And you told him that story.

Yeah. That means you made it. It's like it's a weird mile marker in my career because like. Sorry. The third one, that one. Yeah, that was that was big. He always had the bandana on. Yeah. Oh, oh yeah they were like ace and main man yes i used to love that sketch should we do bits or what well we gotta get him out of here i've done bits i did oh he did a full

action yeah so you want to plug dates yeah where are you gonna be um i'm all over the place man but uh the big ones you know uh brea california sacramento just go to my website bay area i-85 in the southeast that's how i plug my shit any city that's on i-85 in the southeast i'll be there uh bay area and then uh the big one is um oh the more tucson the more is and then top five theaters one of the i've never done it i've never done it might be like it's might be my favorite venue i played that just it's beautiful and it's three tiers but they're like on top of you it's it's i've never played seattle proper until until what would be new year's eve like i've always done like the weird club out of town kirkland i did last year so many times i did tacoma i've done everything

in tacoma yeah but i've never done the the in like there was like some underground club in seattle it was like a parlor live and then there did that one in Bellevue. I did that. Bellevue, that was the other rich one. Yeah. I've done everything, but I've never done like... Apparently, like downtown Seattle is its own ecosystem. Oh, dude. It looks like shit from the outside, too. You got to go to that farmer's market is epic, too.

Pike, is that what it's called? Oh, yeah. Pike's Market. That's where they're throwing the fish? Throwing the fish. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I will see that.

Super cool. I love it. Okay, well, I got... When is this coming out? Oh, the egg. That's fun. when is this coming out that's fun when does this come out of september oh so oh september yeah buddy good god we're backlogged mark's going away all right so we got a toronto uh meridian hall that's a biggie baby come out chicago motherfucking theater i might have a special guest popping out now when i can't say who

but uh stand up live in phoenix pittsburgh cleveland columbus cincinnati indianapolis a special guest popping out in that one. I can't say who, but Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, Indianapolis, NYC, the big one, the theater at MSG. We got all over Australia. We got Brisbane, Melbourne, Adelaide, and Sydney, and also just added Vegas,

The Wind, December 2nd, and then the next week I'll be in fucking Naples. I'm making my return i decided to do a revenge tour baby naples gig and tampa that weekend so come on out that's your tommy davidson no no no no no i don't think they want me ever back there i've got my mileage shitting out of them but that's samuel.com slash you don't want to go there either hey it's my birthday i'm going to vicar street one of the great venues in ireland it's my birthday. I'm going to Vicar Street, one of the great venues in Ireland. It's really cool. It'll be all over Europe.

What is this? UK, London, Manchester, Birmingham, Alabama, Glasgow. Birmingham, UK. Oh, that's right. And then whatever that is. Hershey, Pennsylvania, Tyson, Virginia, Oklahoma City, Dallas, Texas. That Capital One Hall is beautiful. That's outside of D.C.

Portland, Maine. I can't read that. Majestic. Oh,C. Portland, Maine. I can't read that. Majestic. Oh, I love Portland, Maine. Providence, Rhode Island. Cleveland. At the Agora. Yeah.

Grand Rapids, Denver. There you go. Paramount. Grand Junction. It's good. Two at the Denver. That's fun. All right.

So, yeah. Come on out. MarkNormanComedy.com. Can I give you a quick peeve before we go? Hell, yeah. I didn't get a birthday cake. My birthday's August 29th. What the hell, man?

What the hell? That's yours too. Yeah, we'll share it. We'll share it. There you go. He came out all ceremoniously for Mark. My birthday's long past. What the fuck?

Yeah. Lincoln edited it. Yeah, Photoshopped it. No, keep in the peeve. Keep the peeve. Bodega Cat is available at bodegacatwhiskey.com. Hopefully by now it's in fucking liquor stores in New York. yeah hopefully bars but people are messaging me where can i get it what the hell you know yeah everybody wants it but yeah check out roy you got about what three specials

out there yeah they're all on paramount no they're all on youtube for free right now hey that's that's big man that's that isn't it crazy how many people are seeing them now than when they like of course people tweet me oh your new special two years ago let them think people are seeing them now than when they... Of course. People tweet me, oh, your new special. Two years ago. Let them think it. The best is when they repost when you're older. They're like, man, this new stuff's even better. I'm like, that's from 2018.

I know, I know. One of the best, that Leonardo DiCaprio bit is killer. Ah, yes, man. One of the true right allies. One of our favorite comics. Watch all of his stuff. It's one of the best comics. You probably know him, but if you don't, watch everything.

Great comic. Killer. Thank you for having me, boys. We love you, man. I appreciate it. I'm going to head to this air-conditioned place. Let you know. All right.

See you soon, guys. Thank you. Comedy. Comedy. Comedy. A bit of Pivorette, you know the beer juice close I've had a little too much bourbon And Norman's talking shit about the fucking pub And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming

And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her and I get down in the same way We might

be true