We Might Be Drunk - Ep 15: Bourbon Beer & Martini

Episode Date: March 21, 2021

Mark and Sam talk about the industry, therapy, talking during movies, and a ton more Bourbon beer and Martinis  Today's episode is brought to you by.... Lucy! Use promo code “DRUNK” At www.lucy.co to get 20% off all products, including gum or lozenges! & MyBookie.ag! Sign up today at www.MyBookie.ag and use promo code "DRUNK" to secure a deposit bonus up to $1000!

One more drink, one more drink You know in the morning for sure we gon' stink One more round, one more round It's 5 a.m., you pricks, the barkeep frowned This is what we do, catch up for a few We'll riff and talk some shit and then we'll sleep till two talk some shit and then we'll sleep till two let's fucking dance hell yeah we're dancing baby dancing in the moonlight Everybody Who is that?

Oh shit Sam Cooke No Oh god We're ready of the rep as the worst fucking music guys in this podcast I know It's old It's an oldie King Harvest

Who? King Harvest Oh I would have never gotten that Dancing Isn't that right? Dancing in the moonlight I just looked it up That's what it said Oh alright I've never even heard of King Harvest. Oh, I would have never gotten that. Dancing, isn't that right? Dancing in the moonlight. I just looked it up. That's what it said.

Oh, all right. I've never even heard of King Harvest. Jeez. Fuck, I thought it was like, it's not the zombies, but it felt like a zombies type of band. Right. Now it didn't. I'm a fucking idiot.

I've already been drinking. I started with a song. It was my fault. We're not a music podcast. Hey, we're not a music podcast. Look what I'm doing, Mark. Woo-wee. D're not a music podcast. Hey, we're not a music podcast. Look what I'm doing, Mark. Woo-wee. Dainty lady over here.

A little martini. I feel like Sterling and Mad Men here. Come on. True. Just that cup with the tiny neck on that thing. It's rough. It's tough. It's like you feel like either a cool chick or a prospector or some shit.

Right. You look like the Monopoly man over there. like a cool chick or a prospector or some shit, you know, like, right. You look like the monopoly man over there, but you got the, you got the law of the olives and the, the toothpick killer. You think this is a game, dude, I'm taking this podcast seriously. These are blue chiefs,

uh, stuffed olives and I'm rocking a vodka martini. This is like, this is a drinking pod. We've never even really done a martini yet. So I said, let's fucking dance, my friend. Yeah, do it up. I mean, martini, one of my favorite drinks of all time.

I love it. Dirty, filthy, salty. Shoot at my face. So yeah, I'm jealous. I like a martini because they get you fucked up real fast. Yes. It's cool because it's a classy drink But it gets you hammered

It's three ounce vodka One ounce dry vermouth You're just drinking that That's a lady drink You're drinking a screwdriver, motherfucker Good point, you got a sugary Fruit juice in there I'm going just a tad of olive liquid

Fuck you, and vermouth You can tell a professional alcoholic like that one of my friends does this move he does he just drinks he'll pour vodka like all the way up to the top and they just like shoot on a little club soda yeah that's an alcoholic's drink yeah that's kind of a smooth move and just just to cut it a little bit i love that because now he can say he's having a cocktail. Otherwise, he's just drinking straight hooch. Hooch. I'm rocking.

I'm in Kentucky right now. Lexington, not bragging. Great city. Great town. Great club. Just did a show tonight. A lot of love for the pod, by the way. A lot of people came out.

We might be drunk. Woo! Pet peeves. And so I said Give me a local brewery And they gave me a bourbon beer I was going to say You got to be drinking bourbon in Kentucky

Yeah so this is the best of both worlds It's a beer Made in the bourbon Cask or barrel or whatever you call it I love that dude 8% It's good shit it's my third one tonight They let me take a cup home Cask or barrel or whatever you call it. I love that, dude. 8%. It's good shit.

It's my third one tonight. They let me take a cup home. 8%. Great beer. Terrible cell phone battery. One of the finest. Hey, man. I love Kentucky.

I've been to the racetrack there in Lexington Keynes. Racetrack. I've done that. I mean, you got to hit a distillery there, man. They've got those. I think they do makers there. Everything's Kentucky bourbon. I've done that. I mean, you got to hit a distillery there, man. They've got those. I think they do makers there. Everything's Kentucky bourbon. I mean, that's bourbon.

It's bourbon. It's horses. It's toothless. I'm loving it here, but it's tough because you want to hit the distillery. You want to get some bourbon and some beer, but then you just get shithoused at noon, and then you got two shows. You don't want to do two shows after the Maker's Mark tour. You're fucking...

Oh, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Good name for my summer tour, by the way. But yeah, it's true. Remember, we tried to do a bourbon tour years ago. Remember? No.

No, I was trying to put that together. You don't remember? I was like, we should find a... I should find a name. I thought that was cool because years ago, like Bert and Pete Correale and all those guys did the Jameson Irish Whiskey Tour. Yes. We get paid extra.

We promote your booze. We drink it. It's a win-win. I love it. I love it. I'm down. But I think we could probably do that now, I bet. That would be fucking, dude,

a little cross promo for this pod. That would be fun. That would be great. It'd be dangerous. Danger, but you get some stories out of it You get a couple of booze bag comics Who we like and we'll drink with It's slim pickings with all the sobriety out there

That's the thing All these comedians are sober now Because they drank too much Exactly They blew their livers out Like you know Five years ago Yeah, fuck

That's right, you gotta hand it to the Stan Hopes And the Bill, I mean, the Burt Kreischer's Just hanging in there It's almost like alcohol is keeping them alive At this point Like, if they stopped, they'd die It's kind of like Holyfield You're like, they went on way too long

But at the same time it's pretty cool Yeah it's impressive And like Holyfield They speak a little more slowly now Right There's been some brain damage I know I know We're going to be talking about these guys

In 20 years like oh I'm sure they're dead now But man those guys lived There was something cool about like the old badass drunk writers Oh yeah Very romantic The Hemingways I love Attell's joke All the great writers were drunks

Hemingway, Judy Blume He was one of the great drunks too Attell He's still one of the great drunks too, Atel He's still one of the great drunks He's just sober I feel like every bar I go to, they go What are you doing? I'm a comic Oh, we had Atel in here 10 years ago He brought a chicken with him

He beat up a guy in a pool with a pool cue You know, whatever Every road story from like the early 2000s And before on the road for comedy It just sounds like you were in the movie Roadhouse You know, whatever Every road story from like the early 2000s And before on the road for comedy It just sounds like you were in the movie Roadhouse You know? I know, right? What happened?

I think the cell phone camera changed it all Like, we're not going to get into a fist fight Because I work at a bank, I'll get fired Or I'm making out with a fat chick My wife will see it So the bar was where you went to really Get loose And now it's all on tape

Well it's not just that You can't get into a fight on the road anymore Because everyone knows MMA That's true as well Back in the day you could throw a punch at a guy and get away with it Now he's going to catch it, throw it in a reverse arm bar You have a broken jaw, he throws you to the ground That was all because I had one too many drinks.

So true. I remember I danced with a girl at a bar in college. And she goes, uh-oh. And I got a punch in the back of the head. I just went straight down. And the guy was like, don't dance with my girl. I was like, I didn't know it was your girl. I mean, talk to her.

She's the one dancing with me. Why am I the bad guy? But you can't hit her Not in public So I got a nice wallop We got a little note from Harry here Can you confirm your pod mic Is going through the Zoom When you get a sec

Is this from me or Mark Harry Uh oh It's going through Yeah it's going through the Zoom Yeah yeah Zoom audio Why is it not coming Does it not coming? Does it not sound good?

Cool, cool. We'll get this. Hey, man, I'll give this to you, Mark. This glass is a little fucking dainty. It is a little like, you know what I hate about the martini glass? It's like it was not made for drunks. Look at this shit. It wobbles. You're nervous.

It's like a waiter with too much shit on a tray, but it's in your glass. Right. It's almost impressive if you don't spill it. That's how good of an alcoholic you are. You've got this tiny little glass that's so spillable, and you still don't. Well, this glass glass I got it online It's Duke's Bar Apparently a famous bar in London

And it's a big ass glass So I think it only is supposed to go up to like here So I think that's the point I kind of like an overflowing glass There's some fun to it Oh that's the best yeah it starts dripping on your fingers Like an ice cream cone Give me a rocks glass martini

Cause you get all the a rocks glass martini. Because you get all the love of the martini without the anxiety. That's fair. Yeah, drinking, man. Was your show good at Comedy Off-Broadway? Great show. I had the weird couple in the front row that was just mean mugging me the whole time. And I was like, everybody's laughing, but why are you in the front?

Go sit in the back and sulk. But, uh, eventually I caught the guy filming me and then I yelled at him and then he got mad at me. And it's one of those weird things. I'm like, why am I the bad guy? You're,

you're filming. This is what, yeah, I just did a show in Brooklyn and it's like, it's one of those weird Brooklyn shows. This happens in Brooklyn. A lot of found where they're like, they give you no energy to the point that it's like, it's one of those weird Brooklyn shows. This happens in Brooklyn a lot, I've found, where they're like, they give you no energy to the point that it's like, it's awkward where I'm like, so, you know, I'm not like

a screamer. You know what I mean? I'm not going to give you a ton. So if you're giving me nothing, I'm going to have to riff on that. And it was, it was work. It took a while. I did that thing I do when I can't come up with, I kind of did all my new shit. And then I was like, like all right give me topics like let me just and you kind of get you like kind of get them back by just

showing you you can riff a little bit yeah and then that and that well some of them bomb but at least i can kind of like turn it into crowd work and then kind of because i either do crowd work when i'm so sick of my act or when I have nothing. Yeah, yeah, same, same. So I'm just setting up to try to riff a bit here and there. If I can get a good topical bit, maybe there's something there. But, man, Brooklyn gives you nothing. They're like a crowd in Brooklyn where it's like they're there to see a magician, but they know all the tricks.

Ooh, that's perfect. You know what I mean? So true. And they don't want to get got because they think they know all the tricks. Oh, that's perfect. You know what I mean? So true. And they don't want to get got because they think they're these artsy-fartsy, smarty pants. So they don't want your punchline or your turn to go, ah, because it's too vulnerable for them to let loose like that. You're right. It's also like I'm there with my friend Dina Hashem Who went on before me And she's got great jokes And

You know We were talking about it afterwards And I said You know I kind of like I kind of like when they're bad Because You come

Sometimes you get crowds That are a little too good With these new jokes And you're like Yeah they're not this good yet Right Right And the road will make you feel

Real good about your new shit And you need to You need to be humbled A little bit Like These crowds They will Put you flat on your ass a little bit yeah and i don't mind a little ass flattening but it just just keep it real with me like don't give it don't give me too much and don't give me

too little because there's such a thing as too little too so like i i know you guys are too cool for school but like give, give me a smirk. It feels like a date where you're not going to get laid, but you're like, I'm going to keep fighting. Yeah. To at least make this a good date. Right. You know? Right. I don't want you to fucking, you know, it's one of those things where I know the jokes aren't that good yet, but I know they're not that bad yet.

Yes. And you're right. There is something about a crowd that gives you nothing. But there is also, if it's every once in a while, man, that fight will make you riff a new line. Like, how many bits do you have where the tag is shit, and then you come up with a new tag. Like, you have a new ending of the bit because you had to riff it. Because the first two punchlines didn't hit Yes it's so true

And then at the end like In the middle of it you're sweating you're Frazzled but at the end you're like I'm Kind of glad I got that that shit Crowd because I got a new line out of it I it Pulled something out of me that it wouldn't have been pulled Out with if they were good I had a couple new bits that hit the last two nights

That got zill I hate when you have that new joke energy and you're walking around with your chest out. Like, I got a few new ones and then they just give you- I know. Because you're still vulnerable with that bit. It's still new and fresh. So you're like, is it bad?

Is it good? Now I have no idea. It's funny. I've copied this all day. It's not as bad as the worst crowd. It's not as good as the best. But man, Brooklyn humbles me, man. You ever start now when you're doing open mics and you would do a comedy open mic and the

comics give you nothing and then you just go to a music open mic and you kill? Yes. Yes. Because to them, you're special. Right. Right. Exactly. They don't see the tricks and the turns.

It's like you said with the magician. But my thing with Brooklyn is they think they're so, uh, worldly and cultured, but I'm like, if you guys were in charge of art, we'd be fucked because I'm throwing something at you here. And maybe because it's going this way too much or going that way too much, or it's too jokey. They just shut off. And I'm throwing something at you here And maybe because it's going this way too much

Or going that way too much Or it's too jokey They just shut off And I'm like, okay, but you guys are giving me feedback And if I just listened to you I'd have no act Yeah, not everything can be David Lynch Not everything can be Twin Peaks

Exactly There's gotta be some And that's the weird thing is that with jokes we almost like focus group it a little bit that people don't talk about it well you know we're taking these on the road we're literally taking them everywhere to make sure they work and then brooklyn is like almost the snooty uh where they're like wow us right right right they have that energy dazzle us and I'm like, motherfucker, I'm not an America's Got Talent here I know This is a show you paid to come to see

Yes, we're in the backyard of a vegan restaurant Why are you judging me? You got blue hair And the side of your head is shaved And you got a Snoopy tattoo And I'm the bad guy? You showed up Just because you look like scary spice doesn't mean we're on your reality show here okay yeah exactly no we get we get fucking hammered by a

man it's uh it's it's crazy but uh i'm i've got a lot of road dates coming up and it's been a minute for me so i'm excited to really go hard and I miss it so much I just think like New York man It's not good for your comedy to be in one place In terms of the building It's also not good for your brain To be in one place Completely agree

We're ramblers You gotta have routine, you gotta have variety Even the walk from my apartment to the subway I've done it 8 million times I wanna kill myself I start going the other way. I go backwards. I do a new train just because I got to mix it up. And Ryan Hamilton told me, I don't know if I'm supposed to say this, but he opens for Seinfeld on the road. And they get in that jet and Seinfeld buckles the seatbelt and he goes, ah, vacation.

Which is so great because he's like, you know, he's got three kids. He's got a wife at home. And that is work. And the comedy is the fun part. That is the crazy part to me is that so many people hate their jobs. And that we're just, like, I love every minute of this. Even the bad shit, it makes me feel good in a way Because man there's always this great

There's this great quote And I might have said this in the podcast There's one drawback to a drinking podcast We might repeat ourselves We all know that drunk who tells the same story Every time too Oh dude it's brutal You ever do someone's podcast

And they do that I've heard this on your podcast. You're retelling a story not to me at a restaurant, but this is on a live show. Yeah, completely. And then you just have to decide, do I go with it or do I cut the guy off and embarrass him? Yeah, it's tough. Drinking will fuck your head up a little bit. It's tough. Drinking will fuck your head up a little bit. It's funny.

All the philosophers, like I was reading this book about like it's a history of the world through six glasses is basically the premise of it. Like how every period of time has been defined by a drink, whether it be like a soda, tea, coffee, alcohol, like, you know, beer, wine, whatever But the thinkers, a lot of times They drink tea or coffee They do stuff that stimulates your mind Whereas, like, you know, the fuck-ups The people that build shit They're the drunks

We're supposed to be thinkers But we have the drunken mentality We're supposed to be making observations And telling jokes But this is the shit that kills our brain Well, that's a great point Because comedy is blue-collar making observations and telling jokes, but this is the shit that kills our brain. Well, that's a great point, because comedy is blue-collar and intellectual at the same time.

You know, you're out on the road, you're flying out, you're on the road every weekend, you're schlepping, you're in a suitcase, you're in a hotel, you're trying to get drunk after, you're trying to get the hotel breakfast,

you know, you're doing radio. It's a very blue collary gig we're travelers we're rambling men or women but it's true yeah so it's this weird sophisticated intellectual thought thing with shit-faced uh humble humble lifestyle you know not a lot of money so yeah it's a it's a fun combo well that's an interesting point because we are literally doing what we do to move drinks like that's how we get paid what we do because we're moving alcohol right yeah and we're in these like we're in these bars where they're serving fried food and we're like we worked all day on this on this premise let me let me work out this premise they're literally

stuffing their face with like fried food and we're like I got to try out my joke Like let me tell you how I feel about life And they're just like Some people are there for the show And then some people are like I just want something to do man I know I'm trying to get my wife out of the house And do something and have a cocktail And you're talking about your anxiety

Blow me I'm a steel mill guy Anxiety It's getting cooler to talk about that shit. I feel like we've talked about this before, but just the idea of the old man, like the Humphrey Bogart type guy who just drank away his pain. That was manly, though, and now it's not. Now it's almost more manly to be in therapy and to be like, yeah, I'm aware of my shit. Right. Yeah, I think there's some merits to both.

I like the guy who, like, you meet these guys, salt of the earth. Their back hurts. Their feet hurt. They're hungover. And they just rally. They just go back out. Oh, we're going out tonight? All right.

All right. Fuck it. Let's go. There's something to that guy. That's a man, the guy who keeps drinking to you. Yes. I love that guy. The guy who keeps drinking to you yes i love that guy it's funny because i do relate to that like i do see like a guy who's like

you know you see a guy with like a family and kids he's like like playing with his kid i'm like look at this fucking pussy right here and then and then you walk a few blocks down you see a guy who's like in the gutter with a bottle of moonshine you're like this motherfucker's a man this is what a man is but at least therapy it's like you and this other guy or gal in a room and you're paying him and you get it all out you know you're not putting it on other people like your friends or or or your girlfriend or your wife or whatever you're knocking it out with this guy or gal and then you go home and be about your day I think that's kind of nice too How much do you think therapy has helped you? Oh, it's great

I mean, even if you don't go every week or whatever You just get the tools, you learn And then you go, oh, I can apply that And then you got to figure out Because everybody thinks they're hot shit Everybody's entitled You got to find out what's not hot shit about you And work on it

Don't you think some People go to therapy though and just all They do is be like this guy did this To me and then this it's like I think some People go and just get enabled And get worse I think Some people get better if they have humility And they work on their shit but I do

Think there's a type of person that therapy doesn't Help yeah that's True yeah but I think Our guy tells it like it is I do think there's a type of person that therapy doesn't help. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. But I think our guy tells it like it is. And I think that's what you need. He kind of gives you the business. He's our guy is super smart. And,

uh, it's funny. Our guy is like, it's really like seeing our therapist felt like getting passed at a comedy club. You get like your recommendation, you kind of, you kind of audition, you text, you're like, I'm fucked up.. You get like your recommendation, you kind of, you kind of audition,

you text, you're like, I'm fucked up. He's like, all right, you can come in, you know? And,

uh, I, I mean, I think it helps, but I also think, you know, our guy is a confrontational method and that, that works,

but it doesn't work on everyone. Like I brought ex girlfriends there. I brought my mom there. Like it doesn't. Yeah, dude, I was, it's also sucks when you see a therapist that uh a lot of comedians see and you leave with your mom i'm like shit is like janice papa is gonna see me walk out with my mom this is embarrassing right right oh you're doing a two-man act now sam what's going on here it feels like because it feels like you're coming off stage. Like, that went well, or I bombed in there.

Oh, dude, I remember I heard a comedian we know get a laugh in the session. And part of you, it fucks up. You're like, I guess I gotta bring the heat now. I can't just fucking, you know. Totally, totally. Air my shit. Yeah, you can't be a sad sack in there. You gotta be entertaining It's the comic in us

I have it when I'm going down on the girlfriend You're like, am I doing well? The comedy thing goes into every aspect of life Am I doing well? Yeah, I need a moan, I need a coming I need a reaction Am I doing well? Yeah

You guys having fun? Tell your face Yeah, tip your it like a fucking set. Yeah, tip your waiter or whatever it is. I'm here next week. Tell a friend. Yeah, it's everything we do. We need that validation. We need that reaction.

We need to know we're doing well. That's a good point. Yeah, even in therapy, I'm like, a little more enthusiasm, please. I'm trying to get some reaction. I'm not trying to like kill in therapy, but I am trying to get. When you get, there is something about, especially like the way, like we are such club comics. Yeah. That there's something about that where we're so uncomfortable with silence.

Like there's like all guys or storytellers, there's people that will just kind of milk the silence in the room And embrace it And I think we're people that want laughs Like bam, bam, bam So even in therapy when shit gets dark Don't you find yourself trying to break the tension And make a fucked up joke Of course

And that joke gets nothing Because he's a professional And so then you're just going to the spiral of like insecurity you're going to crowd work you're like so anyway uh what is that a lamp what is that what do you got there yeah you're on zoom sometimes i'll be on zoom therapy with him and his wife is also a therapist and i'll just hear her in the other room do you ever do that no i've never done the zoom i can't do it oh you, you've never done it? No, it's too weird for me.

Do you do phone or you're just not doing it right now? I haven't done it since the pandemic, which maybe is not healthy. Yeah. No, I go for like a tune-up. I don't feel like I need to go every week, but sometimes I have a week where I'll be like, I think I need therapy. Yeah, I get that.

Do you get a discount on Zoom? It feels like less of a session. No. No, same deal as in person, yeah. It's like a personal trainer. If he's like, hey, now do a burpee, I'm like, if you're not here, it's not the same. Hey, folks, We Might Be Drunk

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like let me throw this shit out there And see what happens Yeah I kind of feel guilty I just tossed it to the agent I'm like I feel bad trying to highball Someone but it's like it's funny The agent will just throw them An absurd amount of money so If it's a gig I don't want to do then Either they'll pay the absurd amount of money or it just

Goes away right right Yeah we had the same agent for a while And she was a shark. Shark. Killer agent, like got the money up, got the good gigs. But every time I showed up at the club, they're like, hey, good to see you.

But Jesus Christ, tell your agent to cool it, will you? She's barking down my neck here. I'm like, oh, sorry, sorry. But it's kind of what you want. I liked it. Yeah, you don't want them to like your, you don't want people to like your agent. Right, sorry. But it's kind of what you want. I liked it. Yeah, you don't want them to like your... You don't want people to like your agent. Right, right.

They'll like us and hate the agent. That's fair. You know who they love is the person that they're paying jack shit to. Yes, yes. Hey, that guy, Tony's a great guy. That used to be us. Remember, we used to make shit on the road. I know. You did it for the love of the game. I remember, we used to make shit on the road I know

Ugh You did it for the love of the game I remember, we had the same agent before that too They were fucking dog shit Oh, yeah Now, how did you fire them? Because mine was not pretty Oh, really?

They didn't fight that hard for me Well, he didn't fight hard He just got angry Yeah, I think they were like I haven't had a manager in years but i remember at the time i had a manager and he uh he fired them and they were like did we do something wrong meanwhile literally every week i was like hey you guys are getting me horrible gigs for horrible money and they're like well that's what you're worth that was like the comeback

like who like what am i you're fucking what am i adriana andopranos You're just gonna treat me like shit and I'm gonna stick And the answer is yes I stuck around For a while because I had no other options but I mean They said the rudest shit to me to the point That I was like why am I taking this I'm out of here I just remember getting the first call from a

Manager or an agent like we'd like to represent You I was like It was like some guy in a Hawaiian shirt in the Back we'd like to represent you i was like it was like some guy in a hawaiian shirt in the back of a like a wheaton's factory he's like hey well we want to we want to wreck wreck you and i was like oh my god i'll take it but then you slowly realize that this guy's an idiot or or he's ripping you off or whatever dude i remember your first manager just got you fucked up and that's all that mattered like i i had a i had a first manager too that like she wrapped my buddy baritone day thurston who was like my good friend i don't know if you remember him he used to

host my weekly show oh yeah great guy great wrote a great book called how to be black it's like one of the best guys he's doing he's he's popping up everywhere on like he was on bill maher the other like a few weeks ago he was yeah he was he's on cnn all the time shit he's he's great he's a great dude too but uh she repped him so i was like oh she's legit but she was like a comedy agent but she was repping me and uh i remember the first thing she was like i was like get me on a late night show that's what i want is late night we were so hungry for that and she was like all right just get me the names of all the bookers and i was like i didn't realize that was insane at the time. Right, right. Like, any real manager is like, oh, yeah, I'll email them right now.

But, like, she was like, find me all the names. Like, she was going to cold email them. You're doing all the work. You could email them. Dude, this is what I was talking to Dina about tonight is, like, how every manager should just be a social media expert now. Like, why are we paying for people to just. Why are we paying?

Like, you should just run my TikTok. That should be your job. Good point. Good point. If you're getting 10%, they don't do. Otherwise, they just call you and they're like, so what are you working on? You tell them. They're like, sounds good.

I'm like, I don't need a fucking coach. Right. And then they make you feel bad. Like, you got any scripts? You're like, well, nothing new. You're like, well, nothing new. They're like, oh, nothing new. You're like, you want me to write a feature film in two weeks? Like, what are you thinking?

You got any show ideas? How's this? I don't know if that'll sell. Well, quit asking me that. How many agents have given you shit about, like, your output of material? Where they're like, you don't have any new stuff for this? How many times? Because it's happened to me.

And I'm like, who's writing more than you, Mark? Like, who the fuck is writing more jokes than you? I know, I know, yeah. They're just sitting there by a phone waiting for us to produce some shit. Like, you get some stuff cooking. How about that? I don't, agents I get.

Agents serve a purpose. I see a direct result. I don't understand the job. The manager seems like a made up thing I remember on Entourage The whole thing was like The manager Because it was his best friend from childhood

And there was an episode What's the difference between a manager and an agent And Eric was like We're the ones who care The managers I'm like that might be true If you grew up in Queens next to them If it's a stranger

They don't care and they do nothing. Right, right. I think they're a dying thing. I think it's fizzling out like the VCR and the sewing wheel or whatever. But I think the manager, all they do is organize. Oh, you're a dumb comic. You're an idiot. You can't type.

You can't pick up a phone. So we'll get the hotel. We'll book the flight. I assume that's all they do. They manage. They would send me. They would. They would.

They would send a lot of advances. They'd be like, here's your schedule for the upcoming week. And I'd be like, cool. Turns out the club I'm playing sends the exact same thing. Yours was better formatted. Right. Right. I don't. thanks for the itinerary made up jobs i mean those are gonna go away the middlemen are gonna keep being cut out because uh they don't do anything i i think you're right and i think you got some of that social media

give me like a 21 year old asian kid and and let him do the TikTok, the social media, the Facebook promotion. What are those Facebook things where they just shoot out a spread and it goes to all these different geo cities or tracking or whatever it is? That's the future. That's the future. Yeah, I don't want – it's almost like they've been trained. The interesting thing about managers is's almost like They've been trained The interesting thing about managers is like It's like they've been trained in how to do nothing So they're good at selling you on nothing

It's like a salesman who's just like Like so where are you And you're like well I think you're great That's what they do they flatter you And we're so insecure that that's currency to us Where they're like Mark Norman Like Mark this is me being a manager Mark you're one of the best joke writers They flatter you, and we're so insecure that that's currency to us. Right. Where they're like, Mark Norman. Like, Mark.

This is me being a manager. Mark, you're one of the best joke writers in New York City. You've got the goods, man. You've got a great podcast, Tuesdays with Stories. You've got We Might Be Drunk. That's another podcast on the come up. You've done every late night show. You should have a sitcom.

Don't you think you should have a sitcom? I'd like a sitcom, sure. Well, let's work together, and I'll help you get a sitcom. You're right. I'll get on it. I'll write the script, I'll come up with the idea I'll pitch it Great And I'll take 10% and I'll be an executive producer on it And I'll get residuals for that And I'll check in on you once every two weeks

And I'll screen a lot of your texts and phone calls Handshake? I'm in. But here's the funny thing is like, we don't ask like, how are you going to do that? They just say, we're going to do that.

And then they don't do it. Yeah. I probably shouldn't say this, but my manager texted me the other day and he goes, you want to sell a sitcom, right? I was like, yeah.

He goes, all right, write me 10 things that you think are interesting and 10 things you'd like to see on TV. And I was like, okay. So I wrote it all out, and he was like, yeah, I don't know how any of this could be a sitcom. And I'm like, I just did what you asked. If I had a sitcom idea, I would have brought it to you by now.

You think this was just you asking me about this exercise is going to pull some sitcom out of me magically? What are you, nuts? You think that genius original sitcoms are just like bleeding out of us like these take work and these take time it's insane man i know it's also like no one wants to make any people only want to make marvel or like a story about racism that's the only shows that get made anymore they're like it's either a superhero or something really fucked up that happened like we either make, we either want to make you feel terrible or we want you to see Thor. Those are your only options.

I know, because they want to play it safe. They want to play it safe money-wise, which is Marvel, and then they want to play it safe cancel-wise, which is race. So, like, yeah, those are your options. And then I was like, well, I was, you know, beat up a lot in my black neighborhood. And they're like, eh, they got to be the victim. be the victim you're like come on yeah you're the oppressor here's the interesting thing here's the idea they act like like they're like it's despicable i'm like you guys are the ones making the shit they're like it's crazy how long it took to get a movie like black panther and we're like you work for a studio this is how every pitch meeting goes

this is how every pitch meeting goes this is how every pitch meeting goes I'm a huge fan we're huge fans here I'm like that's crazy you own a network and uh you can make a show right right and we like your idea we love it keep going no no I'm I'm with you I love your idea Mark we like the idea but can we make the host not you and uh we need more diversity and I'm looking around the room going Wow there's a lot of white guys in suits And then there's the one you know Blonde lady over there

But you need me to be diverse It's a It's a bullshit game man I don't know if you saw it today This woman From Teen Vogue she was like An editor at Teen Vogue and she stepped down Because she had racist tweets about Asian people when she was 17. She's 27 now.

So the thing is, here's the idea where it's like, here's why she stepped down. Because the tweets came up because it was terrible violence against six Asians were killed in this spa attack. But it's that thing where you're like, hate Hollywood Because of how like you care when it's Convenient to care You didn't give a shit about this Asian tweets The other day I also obviously Some freelance tattle dug these

Up with these people are the most Despicable human beings and like no One's defending the tweets but like get A fucking life I know and also You're 17. I can't you evolve? You know, like what happened to progress? What happened?

I'm not the same person I was. I've been rehabilitated. I'm a different person now, but that's out. Exactly. And she's clearly done a lot of good stuff. The other thing is like, doesn't Anna Wintour run Vogue? Isn't she supposed to be the most horrible human being of all time? The devil wears Prada is her Yes, I mean this is my whole point

She can keep going She's fine She's grandmothered in, I guess, I don't know Yes, but she's shutting down this bad person So she's back to being a hero That's what we do We attack the jokes, we attack the tweets But we don't attack the actions

Like Shane Gillis got in trouble for his his uh asian jokes but yet snl had never hired an asian so shouldn't they be at fault i mean isn't that worse than not i mean making a joke is one thing but not actually hiring them what would you rather hear a black joke or a guy going i don't hire those people isn't that the thing that's the that's the uh That's the crime. What was interesting to me is how it's like a one-size-fits-all condemnation system. And how I remember CNN did an article, and it was like, people who have been canceled this year, Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein, and Shane Gillis.

And you kind of want to be like, are these equal offenses? We need degrees here, people. There's murder one. There's homicide. There's genocide. You can't just go all lump. You can think something is not good without equating it to rape. Is that maybe still okay?

Right, right. Yeah, now he's side by side with these psychos. The whole thing's. I think we're going to look back at this in 10 years and go, ooh, those, now he's side by side With these psychos Ah, the whole thing's I think we're gonna look back at this in ten years and go Ooh, those were some crazy times I think Shane would've been good for SNL, honestly He would've been great, he was hired by Michael Che I mean, he would've been great

It would've been a nice mix-up Now SNL feels like such a bubble of a certain thing And it's like, let's have some variety I thought it was all about diversity It shouldn't just be diversity of skin It should be diversity of of thoughts and comedy and humor and it's hard to stay funny in that bubble so so props to che because i i really do think that he's like one of the funniest people man i i i that that show doesn't always do it for me but like i mean he is like che he is like a pure no che is like a pure stand-up. He's as funny as they come, I think.

Oh, yeah. He's got a great comedy mind. I feel like we've blown him before on this pod. I just think it's rare to meet people. I'm happy when funny dudes succeed. I think he's so fucking funny. Here, here. Yeah, he's kind of got it.

He just built for comedy. His brain works in the right ways. And he would be the perfect guest on this show actually because he is like we've talked about guests che fucking drinks oh man does he booze it's almost impressive that he can he would he would put us under the table hard i think probably yeah he's up there he's such a good Him and Wolf, Wolf can booze too And Wolf gets shit done It's amazing You know what it is though

It's people that work that hard That's who happy hour is for It ain't for the people Who are just like oh just stumble in It's for the people that are like It's been a hard day That's who happy hour is for And that's what Michelle Michelle's like a runner She are like, it's been a hard day. That's who happy hour is for. Right, right.

And that's what Michelle, Michelle is like a runner. I mean, she's like an all type of tough. Yeah. Do you hit the gym hard still or no? Well, the gyms are all, I go to the rec center because I'm a cunt. Are they open? No, they're still not open. So sometimes I'll walk by there and I go, I can't believe I went there two to three days a week working out.

Because now I look at it and I go, oh man, when that opens, I got to get back in there. And it's just daunting. I'm actually impressed. That's the thing about the pandemic is I feel like we used to be pumas and lemurs and cougars. And now we're a bunch of house cats. You know, we've been like de-depressed Or what do you call it? We've been demoted down to like Because you just kind of go with how the society's going

And we used to be fucking Yeah, I'm weak, man Come on, we're weak My body's so weak I play ball still outdoors I like winter exercise Like basketball outdoors in the winter is the shit Because you're just like

It burns in your lungs I kind of like that burn Because when you're just like, it burns in your lungs. I kind of like that burn because when you're done, you feel so good for the whole day. You really do. And you're not cold because you're hustling out there. You got the breath showing. The sweat feels good on your face because it's chilly. Yeah, I'm with you.

Rocky, the workout scene in the winter is like the all-time coolest workout scene. There's nothing cooler than Stallone climbing the stairs and beating the meat you're like ah stallone's such a he's such a his twitter so funny man i i kind of love still dude he's just like doing motivational speeches and shit but he he's so sincere that you kind of can't help but love the guy i did the tonight show and he was the other guest which was very it was like a dream show it was me cedric the entertainer and stallone oh my god holy shit i got to meet cedric i took a photo with him but stallone was like get out of here but he looks amazing i mean he's got to be what 75 80 he looks incredible i mean there's a ton of work done, but he pulled it off. He's still jacked, still ripped, still tight. Amazing.

Dilf. I love him. He's had kind of a tragic life the last... Yeah. He lost his son, but man, Rocky, dude, it's just the best. The story behind it, how he wrote it, and then they were like, we're going to shoot it, but you're not a star, so you can't be in it. He said, well, I'm not giving it to you unless i can be in it and

direct it or whatever he did amazing stallone you're not a star cut to the biggest movie star for like the next 25 it's like god are they fucking dumb that's the suits man these execs are such queefs they don't get it and then then how about this? They told the Sandler. They told the Sandler at SNL, you're not a camera guy. You're not an on-camera guy. Well, here's the thing. My point is, we get rejected all the time.

We get kicked around. We're the comics. We're the writer. We're the talent. But next time some guy goes, hey, Stallone, you can't be in this, and then the movie makes a zillion dollars

and wins Best Picture, how about we fire that guy? They don't have any repercussions for these idiots i want those people in the same room as the dig up tweets people i want them all in the same room and i want them being like you're not good at digging up tweets and they're like oh yeah i'm gonna dig up tweets on you right now and then they're gonna cancel them and they're gonna get sent to an even further room. It's just going to keep going. But here's the thing, man. No, I hate it, man. It's great.

Rocky movies are like I even like the bad ones, dude. Dude, Creed is great. I loved it. Great. I love the one with Tommy Gunn. What is that? Five. I watched all those growing up.

Just they would come on cable. Great. Put them on. He's so fucking lovable, man. Yeah. Yeah. Still, if you don't love Stallone, you don't love America That's how I look at it Yes, he's imperfect

What's more American? He's every man He's kind of adult, but he's lovable He's every man, he's got it all I bet he's a cool dude Oh yeah, I could see that I could see that Hold on, I had a point there.

Yeah, you made a good thing with the tweet. Oh, I think eventually the guy who digs up the tweets, like, first of all, that guy should kill himself or that gal. I mean, they're worthless. They're the scum of the earth. But I think eventually they will become the bad guy. I hope.

Are they not already? Well, I mean, they're getting hired They're getting work, they're getting clout For finding this shit So I think the tables will turn Where that'll be like, ugh, you're that guy? Yuck They're so proud to find it too

It's like finding buried treasure It's like You're not a pirate, dude You're a fucking scumbag You're proud to ruin someone instead of being like well this person wrote a shitty thing and now she's accomplished a lot and she's probably become a different person and grown a little bit you look at them and being like aha got it yes my my biggest fantasy is some because somebody

will find a tweet on me i'm sure sure, eventually. And my biggest fantasy is them going, oh, I got this guy, but this is pretty funny. That's all I want out of life. Like, ruin my life, but I just still have you go, that's pretty good. I would have said this to my editor, but that's pretty good. They wrote this hit piece on me in, like, 2013. And they were quoting my bits, and Dave Smith said my favorite thing to me. He goes, you know what? I read some of the jokes they quoted yours, and was like i think they hold up dude i was like i was like you know what

that's all i asked for is that the people reading are like that's that the structure still works on that joke i think yes yeah i'm not saying i'm perfect but hey fuck it if you think that's funny i did my job what do you what do you got on uh you got any wrecks or peeves Yeah I got both As far as a wreck goes Okay I've been rewatching It's probably my top five favorite dramas Of all time No no no

Have you seen Justified Oh I haven't I like the western theme though I'm down for that It's western it's noir It's Elmore Leonard It's Western. It's noir. It's Elmore Leonard. So this is a double wreck.

So I don't know if I've mentioned this also. One of my favorite books as well, Elmore Leonard's Fire in the Hole, which is what Justified's based on. It's got a bunch of great stories in it, though, man. So many great short stories in this book. There's one I love about. I've been rereading this, too, because it makes me fucking happy. It's just the dialogue's so rich. I mean, if you don't know Elmore Leonard,

he wrote Jackie Brown. He wrote Get Shorty, like all your favorite shit. They, you know, Justified's one of the best written shows of all time. But like, so there's a short story in here about this like washed up baseball player. And he talks big, like he's this tough motherfucker. But then you look into his past and he talks big like he's a tough motherfucker but then you look into his past and he's just like he you know pitching the minors he was a fucking scrub who made to the majors barely but he talks like i struck out mattingly i struck out this guy and then it

turns out he struck them all out in the minors when i got sent down for injuries so so he's trying to get a job as a greeter in a casino as like a celebrity. But they're like, you're a fucking nobody. Who are you? So the guy who runs the casino is kind of a tough guy. And he goes, let me tell you something. If you can strike me out, I'll hire you. I'll hire you for the job.

Because he's kind of like wants to show off that he's a tough guy. And he takes him. They go out and they play. And the guy knows he's washed up. But he knows he's a kind of like a wants to show off that he's a tough guy yeah and he takes him they go out and they play you know he's throwing and the guy knows he's washed up but he knows he's got nothing so he just starts gunning for the guy's head like trying to take his head off and he keeps throwing him off the plate and the guy's just like jesus you're gonna fucking kill me and then he goes just throw one down the middle and he cracks them and he fucking hits it and cracks it and he goes i just wanted to show you i still had it he goes you work on monday and he hires him and his girlfriend goes i don't get it he hired you you tried to take his head off and he goes honey it's part of the game it's like writing like that which i just fucking love like you're just like oh that's kind of like he just wanted

to show that he was cool too it's i love it it's great great it's so uh i don't know what the word is but it's so human it's like ego and all our all our insecurities coming out and and just you're you're you're talking about it i felt like i was there i was sucked in oh dude it's like i mean what has better dialogue than all the shit i just i mean it's all great dialogue so he wrote this book tishomingo blues i think don che bought the rights to, but he couldn't get it made. And it's an awesome book. And man, I don't know. He's just great. So if you haven't seen Justified or read this,

big wreck. I know it's just easy. It's like, it's the type of book where you're like, you're just going to feel good the whole time you're reading it. Justified is also just like, every line is gold. All right. Walt and Goggins and Timothy Oliphant are the stars. Yeah.

And they're both just fucking a plus actors, man. I'm in. Fantastic. You got to hand it to FX. They put out some good shit. They do. Uh,

just like, I, I, you know, I don't care for it. Like they weren't like fearless on the posters and we're like, get over yourself. You're right.

Right. That's a little fearless. You're write, like, fearless on the posters. And we're like, get over yourself, you fucking assholes. Yeah, that's a little much. Fearless. You're sad in a fucking house in the hills. Yeah, exactly. We're fearless. Yeah, they're not buying our shows. That's fearless.

Buy a show from a couple of nobodies. That's bold. When you're in downtown LA, you lock the doors, you fucking pussies. You're not fearless. Yeah, good point. Lock the doors, you fucking pussies. You're not fearless. Yeah, good point.

Well, first of all, I got to say, I watched Honeyland and fucking loved it. I mean, I watched it with a lady. I'm crying my eyes out. The whole thing was amazing. It's beautiful, yeah. Beautiful. Heavy documentary, yeah. Yeah, great rec. I don't know if you guys listened, but last time Sam mentioned Honeyland, unreal, killer doc.

I mean, just a slice of life in that woman's world. It's so crazy how she's living. And it's a metaphor for just everything in the world, how you can have something and motherfuckers ruin it. Exactly. Greed ruins all, and you can have something nice, but you won't have it for long. And it's a pretty great movie It's pretty heavy Pretty heavy, amazing that that is happening in the world

Like that's what Five years ago or whatever Unbelievable picture Just the fact that they captured that And it's well shot It's well laid out It started off kind of slow And I'm like, what is this?

And then before I know it, I was hugging a pillow And biting a belt So good I love that you're into it Give me a rec though I'm going to recommend a movie And I feel like we should throw out A couple of comics names

That are unappreciated Please, I always am down for that. I love that we do that on this. Yeah. The movie is Sound of Metal. I hear it's great. Yeah, I heard it was good, too. I was like, let me give it a shot, because movies have been shit. We mentioned the Marvel and the whatnots.

So I said, let me give it a shot. It's so good. It's an Amazon movie, too, so it was kind of like a sleeper, and now it's up for an Oscar, which is so cool. And it's this guy who's a drummer for a metal band, and he just goes deaf. And so his whole world is gone.

He can't drum. He can't be in this band. That's his whole life, music, and he has to deal with it, and it's a struggle, and the acting is so good. It feels like a documentary. Damn. Yeah, Gary Veeder was raving about it uh really good i gotta watch it yeah it's heavy though it's a it's a jerker you're gonna tear jerker which it's what i call a bad hand job it's tough to tear jerker but yeah it's tough it's tough to get amped up for to know to be like even like i love the lucas brothers

movie so much the jews and the black messiah but like it's tough to get amped up for it to know To be like even like I love the Lucas Brothers movie so much The Judas and the Black Messiah but like it's Tough to get amped up for something that you know is gonna Be heavy it's tough to be like in the mood you're Like all right time to be sad I guess It's true My anxiety is so bad right now that I just want to Watch either like fun

Snappy dialogue or silly shit Yes yeah give me Step Brothers Or The Jerk or Billy Madison. Every now and then, a nice, silly, old school, something like that. Or Tropic Thunder. You're like, ah, I need a fucking McNugget. I don't feel like having a hoagie right now. Hey, Hey, We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Lucy Nicotine Gum.

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Hell yeah, it is. So get some today. 20% off at lucy.co with promo code drunk thank you give me give me some peeves i got i got a few too okay i got i got this peeve was driving me nuts so i did it i did some shows and this guy was doing a great guy but you ever have the guy who he tell he's telling you about something and you're like oh yeah i got it man totally and then he something, and you're like, oh, yeah, I got it, man. Totally. And then he keeps going, and you're like,

I don't want to keep giving you more fuel because you won't stop. He'd be like, oh, man, the apple pie at this restaurant. I'm like, I've had it. It's amazing. He's like, it's so good, right? Incredible. Great apple pie.

One of the best apple pies you've ever had. Am I wrong? No, it's a great apple pie. Yeah, it's better than your grandma's apple pie. I apple pie. One of the best apple pies you've ever had. Am I wrong? No, it's a great apple pie. Yeah, it's better than your grandma's apple pie. I got it! We've agreed! We're done! I can't keep going down this. How many times can I agree? How far are we taking this? Yes!

We've agreed. We love the pie. Do you want me to suck your dick? This is crazy. I know. We're done. You're making me hate the pie now This guy would just keep going It was almost like a show Where you're killing, so you just keep tagging I felt like he was doing that with me But I'm like, yeah, but we're just hanging out

We're talking It would drive me nuts That's a good one The cocky kill When it's like, I'm just agreeing You're not killing Right, exactly And I'm with you

So stop hounding me I'm already there And now it makes me want to not be with you It's a greedy pander kill Ooh, a GPK Yeah, because you're getting the nod you're getting the enthusiasm but you're taking it too far taking it too far yeah so that that was tough and after a while you were like love the pie and i would walk away because i couldn't do it yeah that's a tough

one yeah yeah but nice guy i just he was just jizzing so much from the agreeance, I guess. Yeah, I got one, too. I have a friend, one of my good friends. He'll come over. He'll pop. I have a lot of seltzer here. You know, I always like to have a fridge stocked with, and I do all types of seltzer.

I mean, you can even see right here. Even at the desk, I have original. I have a special brand i support because i met the guy doing crowd work on a roof he ran a seltzer company i said you know what i like your style i'm gonna fucking buy your shit and i'm gonna get packages every month from it because i like the entrepreneur vibe and i thought his product was damn good it's called sound so i was drinking it and i i get his blueberry cinnamon uh seltzer It's fantastic. I get Spindrift. I'm stocked with seltzer. I'm crazy.

I have a buddy who comes over all the time. He'll open a seltzer, take two sips, and just put it down. I'm like, you did a pop and drop, man? Come on. I hate the pop and drop. You got to have at least half the can. I'm with you. I hate it.

I had this in college. I'd have parties at my house, and guys would come over. Oh, you got a beer And they just wanted to hold it Now there's one sip taken out of a fucking IPA So I'm sitting there at 10am Cleaning up shit I'm just chugging

Because I don't want to waste it That bugs me Because the carbonation It's gone You killed the carbonation So that's one. The other one is I have a friend who just drives me nuts. Oh, yeah.

He'll text me. It's an on-the-spot hang. Always like, let's get dinner tonight. And I'm like, oh, I can't tonight. And he'll just write back, ouch. That's crazy. That guy's a psychopath. He does it all the time It's like

It's his response to everything Ouch And it cuts deep because you don't want to hurt anybody But you're also like hey how about We schedule something you wacko We didn't have plans You think I'm just wide open My lady does that she'll be like

I got meetings all day. And I'm like, okay, do what you got to do. I won't see her the whole day. She's on the phone. She's making sales. And then I'm like,

Oh, I'm jumping in the shower. She's like, Oh geez. I'm like, you've been on the phone all day. How come when I have a thing, you're pissed.

And then when you can be on the phone, this is, this is, it's, it drives me nuts. It's also the type of guy who's like, meet me at my place. Like to meet me at a a restaurant two blocks from my place

Why don't we just meet At a neutral location somewhere And they're just like, ouch Why is everything ouch? Why is everything hurting you? Toughen up Back to the seltzer thing with the one sip out of it The pop and drop

You wouldn't do that with food If you were like, hey, you got any food? You wouldn't take a taco, take one bite and put it down. It's something with liquids. That's true. Although it depends on the food. He will do it. Like I have trail mix out all the time and he'll take scoops.

And that to me, I'm like, that's perfect. That's there for scoops. Take whatever food you want here. I have more groceries in my apartment Than I've ever had just because of the pandemic Right I'm here more I'm not used to being home this often

So I got chips I got trail mix, I got string cheese I got all kinds of good stuff here I would just eat all of it in one sitting I eat it all, I'm disgusting That's why I don't do the shopping So you just eat all of it in one sitting. I eat it all. I'm disgusting. That's why I don't do the shopping. So you just eat out every meal? I do oatmeal for breakfast.

I keep a bunch of bananas, a couple of oranges, and I buy a rotisserie chicken and a bunch of trail mix as well. And I just live off of that for the week. But for dinner, I eat out pretty much every night yeah you have no you have no willpower with when you have snacks no me neither but i just that's the other thing i'll get drunk and i'm just like stuffing my face with snacks and treats and i just but i also i'm like i mean what like we could have worse vices that's true I mean I also think like You know Whatever I made a

I made a douchey rule With the pandemic No food after 11 That was like my pandemic rule Cause I was just eating Oh dude Like snacking at midnight You know

Watching TV In my underwear So I had to make that rule Yeah but you're fucking You're fine man I mean I think You gotta You gotta treat yourself

Because Anxiety Like you gotta have something You can't like, you got to have something. You can't have nothing. You got to have something. You got to have something. Scoop a trail mix is not the worst thing in the world for you. No.

No, no, no. It could be a lot worse. Do you have any other pet peeves? No, that was my big one. Oh, how about this? This is a pet peeve. This is something I think this might be a lady thing. So we'll be watching a movie and then she'll be talking to me during the movie.

And I'm like, OK, so should I listen to the movie or should I listen to you? Like, we got to pick which one we're doing now. Not trying to be a dick. But then she'll talk to me throughout the movie. And if I pause it, she gets annoyed. Like, oh, sorry. Oh, and I'm like, well, I'd like to hear the movie, but I also want she gets annoyed like oh sorry oh and I'm like well I'd like to hear the movie but I also want to hear you

didn't mean to offend you so I don't pause it and then she'll talk to me and then go what'd he say like what do you mean what'd he say you talked to me the whole time how do I know what he said this is on a movie you've never seen before she's doing this yes unacceptable unacceptable she'll

go at me and then she'll be like, what'd he say? I'm like, I don't know. I was listening to you. Isn't that a compliment? I don't know what he said either because you were talking. See, this is why you rewatch shows as a couple

so you can do the talking because some people, like all rewatches are Simpsons or South Park or like Succession's great for this because you're like, we'll just talk because we've seen this before. But when you're doing a first time, you think I want to just talk?

I missed an important piece of dialogue. I know. That was plot centric. I know. Exactly. It might be she's a younger gal. She's 11 years old. So maybe it's a generational thing.

I don't know. Children are the worst. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because they're used to the TikTok. Is this too dark a joke? Let me run this bit by you.

Tell me if it's too dark. All right. But when you regret when you hook up with someone immediately, I wonder if pedophiles do that. Do you think pedophiles, like after they fuck someone, they're just like, oh, my God, are you still here? Jesus Christ. That's interesting.

I mean, that's a funny idea, and I'm actually intrigued. That's a great bit. I don't know if it's stupid I might be the wrong guy to ask But I think that's great Yeah you are I appreciate it I think it's gonna bomb

What uh Give me uh No more pet peeves No no Those are my two big ones The validation guy I agree with that one big time And then the talking

During the movie Then asking what they said I hate a movie talk I mean I'm okay with it If it's If Here's the thing once you've paused the movie you've done the right thing like she can't be offended by the pause you're doing you're saying i don't want to miss the movie but i'd like to hear what you're trying to say

this is the most polite thing you can do exactly i mean i will say she does have a skill of like she'll be scrolling on her phone While the movie is on And then I'll be like, oh wait Who's that guy? And she's like, oh that's the guy From the work Guy, and I'm like, oh, how do you know More than me? I've been watching it while you're TikTok-ing Yeah, you know

What it is? Young people, man I feel like they also are just like They're just looking up shit about the movie Too sometimes, aren't they? I feel like that's a young person thing. That's true too. I do that sometimes too. If I'm just like, sometimes I'll be watching a movie,

I'll be like, I wonder if this actor is still alive or something. You know what I mean? You always do that. Definitely, definitely. You know what I was watching the other day that I hadn't seen since I was a little kid that's just such a classic is Vertigo, Hitchcock. Oh, yeah, classic, classic. Dude, it's so good. scenes i was a little kid that's just such a classic is uh vertigo hitchcock oh yeah classic class dude it's so good i mean without hitchcock you wouldn't have all the tropes and all the movie

moves that he did i mean he invented a lot of shit hitchcock fucking rules so good so good big fan uh you got a bit yeah let me see what I got. This might be stupid. Tell me if it's too stupid. I think it's kind of fun. Hit last night. Bomb tonight. So people, when they have a stroke, they smell burnt toast before they have a stroke.

Yes. So it's like, that's annoying because that sucks, but it doesn't suck nearly as bad as a stroke. You know what I mean? It's annoying, but that doesn't suck nearly as bad As a stroke You know what I mean it's like kind of It's annoying but it's not it's like that doesn't happen with any other Horrible thing like that it's never like Who farted then you're like Fuck AIDS oh man That's great Hey Brooklyn if you're listening

You're on my show tonight you should have fucking laughed I got so many jokes like that That's great You got a fart and AIDS So silly and dumb It got zero I almost dropped it What do you got

Don't drop that I like that I got some real weak ideas My wallet got stolen Just recently Two days ago It was a nightmare I got some real weak ideas. So my wallet got stolen. Just recently? Yeah, like two days ago. It was a nightmare.

So I'm trying to get some material out of it. First of all, I thought, wouldn't it be nice if the guy who stole the wallet, the punishment if we catch the guy should be him having to go to the DMV and getting my license back. Like, you got gotta do that shit You know because that's the worst part It's not the money it's not that

It's the actual handling of all the chores Now that I have to do Do you have like a full wallet Took the whole thing yeah I do this shit I do like the Like I have it on the back of my phone Yeah that's not bad I can't keep my eyes off my phone anyway

I may as well put it all in one place It's true but if you lose the phone you're really fucked True but if I lose the phone I'm fucked anyway Yeah I guess so So that's the other angle I like the DMV angle About like he's gotta do the bad shit So did he steal it?

You didn't get mugged You dropped it somewhere? I had my wallet in my friend's car, window broken, right off 2nd Avenue. Broke the window. I had my jeans in the car, and he just took the jeans and had the wallet in it. Oh, my God, man. Yeah. Old school, man.

New York. New York's getting wild. This is the East Village, 11th Street. Broke the window of his fucking car. I know. That sucks. It was crazy. Just seeing the glass shatter, you're like, oh, that's crazy.

Then you see the jeans gone, and you're like, well, there goes the wallet. So then I thought another funny thing could be you take the wallet. It'd be cool if when you stole my wallet, you had my problems too. You got my financial burden. You got my college debt. You got my problems too You got my financial burden You got my college debt You got my whatever it is You got my blockbuster fees I don't know if there's anything there

I like the DMV thing a lot I like the thing about the DMV You're like, what are you here for? He just holds up a picture of you And they take a picture of it For the new driver's license photo Right Did they catch him

No no we called the cops Some guys got your wallet In a crack house Who knows what the fuck The only problem with the The identity I've heard the identity It's a different, but it's like kind of close. It's like they took my identity, but they were like, we have my fucking identity, though, really, you know, that's the only problem. I think the DMV angles is the angle to pursue.

OK, OK. About like. They broke a fucking window. I know there might be something there They broke Like on a weird way You're like It's not like Yeah it's a weird thing

Where you're like Whose car was it? Was it a comic? No I was shooting a thing With this guy And he was a nice guy I met him that day

But he had this nice Mercedes And so I was wearing A costume for the shoot And so I guess they saw the Mercedes and I put my jeans in the car and he got it. David, you almost, you almost should be mad at him for not parking, lotting a Mercedes in the current East village. That's almost like blood on his hands for that shit. Right. Yeah. Uh, so then the other angle is you lose your wallet.

It sucks, but losing your phone is worse because there's a wallet on the phone. You know, you can use your phone to pay for things and use your facial recognition, but you can't use your wallet to make a phone call. So the phone is almost one. Yeah, you can't call an Uber with your wallet. Can't do it. You're trapped. Right, right.

Yeah, without the wallet, you can survive. Without the phone. Even with the phone, they'd be like, you don't have any ID. I do have ID. Google. Mark Norman. Right, right. Exactly.

Yeah. They say cash is king, but the phone is king. The phone is king but the phone is king The phone is king man The wallet doesn't Like I mean you can kind of just survive Without a wallet you got seamless You got Uber you got

Apple Pay Yeah At some point you're like Maybe this dude pushed me into the future That's interesting Yeah yeah I mean the wallet doesn't At a certain point, you're like, maybe this dude pushed me into the future. That's interesting. Yeah, yeah. I mean, the wallet doesn't, like, everybody, like, have cash on you, and you're like, what is this, fucking 1994?

You know what I mean? Yeah. Cash is almost for, like, only for me to, like, tip people with at this point. I know, I know. It doesn't feel like cash is king anymore. It's so true. I mean, look, you don't even have a wallet So what does that tell you

Your wallet is all your shit's connected to your phone I do this just to like have some cash I mean I'll do like a little money clip like that But I Yeah I have all my things on my phone Because I'm just like why would I I mean did you have your phone on you when you got robbed Uh No I had the phone on me thank god so i have that if you had your if your phone was your wallet

exactly i'd be screwed so it's an idea i'm trying to get something out of something out of a bed there's something there yeah about breaking in the car too all right well what about the let me try this on you and then I'll let you go Cause that's like a topical This just happened to me thing But this is an idea I had Tell me if it's been done It's weird that

When I was a kid I wanted a pet I wanted a dog And my mom was like it's a big responsibility You gotta feed it you gotta clean up after it I don't know if it's a good idea. And she talked me out of getting a dog. But if I told my mom, hey, I'm ready to have kids, she'd be like, go for it. I'm like, isn't that weird?

The kids are way bigger responsibility. And the dog, she'll end up taking care of anyway. And the kids probably too. It's very relatable. Yeah. Has that been done? I haven't heard it like that no it's interesting it's like my mom would do the exact same thing you know why because dog still feels like you're delaying adulthood in some way to them but kid is like we're doing it that i think that's how they see

it and maybe that's there's a way to spin that where you're like a kid i always wanted to you know what it is because you know this is what might be the whole time you're a teenager like mom can i have a dog she's like no mom can i have a dog but if you were pestering her mom can i have a kid she'd be like what right maybe there's some angle to play like that like having a dog is like a kid thing almost Well how about this When you ask for a dog Your mom has to get the dog But when you're like I'm having a kid

She's like that's on you and your girlfriend Like you guys Because you're not fucking your mom So it's not even She's not even involved With the dog she's involved You can get a dog walker when you go out of town when you get a when you get a kid you you gotta ask for your mom yeah i don't know yeah because i

think it's almost like hey it's sexual with you uh yeah you figure it out go go nuts but with the dog it's like oh i'm involved in this it's weird because the dog thing i guess it's that it just feels more serious we're having a fit we're starting a family like no one takes it seriously like we're getting a dog we're starting yeah yeah you're having a baby you're like we're starting a family it's a big deal and she probably looks at it like because you told her you got a cat. Did she say anything to that? No, she didn't care.

She didn't care about the cat. But when I was a kid, I wanted a dog. She was like, I don't know. That's a big responsibility. I'm like, but if I had a kid, you'd be all for it. Like, that's a way bigger dog. You leave for the weekend. You leave a pile of food and you're good.

Although if you have a kid when you're a teenager, your mom's like, shit shit should have gotten him that dog Ah yeah that's not bad Yeah I'm taking care of either one Anyway There's something there I like this angle

The mom wants the Wants to be a grandma But she doesn't want to be a pet owner Yeah well that's She's got a story to tell with the baby There's no story my son got a fucking dog Right right right Here's a picture of your son's dog

I care why This is my grandson There's no name for the son's dog Yes yes I'm a grandma that's the name You got a new title It's almost like saying I'm a grandma, that's the name Right You got a new title It's almost like saying I'm gonna get a bike

Versus I'm gonna get a car You know, your mom's like, alright, who cares You're getting a bike, alright, whatever Yeah, there's city bike, who gives a shit Yeah, but you get a car, like, hey, you got a car You're right You're jumping all in It's a bigger deal

You're gonna be a father Compared to like, are you gonna have a fucking dog around? You give the dog to a friend Because you couldn't handle it You're not getting that much judgment You give that baby up I mean, that's the difference in commitment right there You give the baby to your friend

Your mom's like, you just gave away the baby You're like, yeah, we wanted to go on vacation Yeah Yes Cut to me outside of a Walmart With a baby in a cardboard box Alright alright That helps

There's something there I'll try it this weekend There's something there I please do Comedy at Broadway The great I'll be there in August I love Kentucky

Yeah It's a great state I love it too I love this hotel I love it's right by the club I love Kentucky Yeah It's a great state I love it too I love this hotel I love it's right by the club I love that shit I'm looking forward Yeah I love

I love the road I can't wait to get back to it man The road Just get in that green room You order the shitty salmon You got a cocktail I mean It's the little things baby

Just feels so good I can't wait Well make sure to email us at WeMightbedrunkpod at gmail.com with your pet peeves, your wrecks, your jokes, everything you got. We'll read them on the Patreon. So subscribe to patreon.com slash wemightbedrunkpod. Or it might be, is it wemight? Yes, wemightbedrunkpod.

That's right. Yeah, that's the email. Yeah, and just keep I'm having a great time with this, man Keep listening to this Keep telling your friends Yes, share it, quote it We got clips on Instagram

We're on Instagram with our own page Follow that And yeah, tell a friend Spread the love, spread the cheeks And tell us about some cocktails you like Because I've already learned about a few. We might be drunk on Instagram and follow Mark and myself, obviously, and see us on the road. I actually do my last virtual show on Monday, so you get tickets to that.

It's on Zoom. So if you live in Melbourne or some shit where you won't see me for a while, buy a ticket. It's fun. I'm working on new shit. SamRail.com slash shows And Yeah, I got Connecticut coming up Atlantic City

All on my website, Arlington And much more coming soon But Mark, what do you got, man? I'm all over the road as well MarkNormanComedy.com Check it out, all kinds of fun dates Columbus Funny Bone coming up. What else?

Oh, boy. Wise Guys in Utah. Tacoma Comedy Club. Magoobies. You name it. Hartford Funny Bone. That'll be tough. Spokane Comedy Club.

That's a tough one. Funny Bone in Virginia Beach. Never been there. You ever done that one? I haven't done Virginia Beach Funny Bone, no. Portland Helium. All kinds of fun stuff Funny Bone Syracuse, hey, hey Please come out to that, I need you You're a fucking warrior

I walked a lot of people in that room Yeah, yeah, that's a tough one It's in a mall, it's next to a Toby Keith It's in Syracuse How many bad things can I say? But yeah Good stuff, alright, well thanks man Good drinking How many bad things can I say? But yeah, good stuff. All right.

Well, thanks, man. Good drinking. Enjoy that martini. I killed it. I killed a couple of them. I had the shaker right here. I'm fucking. Oh, I love the shaker.

I got a little shaker going. You bring a girl over and do that. She's like, all right, I'm in good hands. Pretty cool. Oh, yeah. Cool. Nothing better. Well, dude, it's great to see you. And I mean, she's like, alright, I'm in good hands. Pretty cool. Oh, yeah. Nothing better. Well, dude, it's great to see it. I mean, it's tough.

I can't wait to do this in the studio. We should do this in a bar. Yes, we gotta do it in a bar. Fat Black, whatever it is. We'll talk to Liz. Yeah, that's a game changer. We'll go from here to here. Oh, my God. You think that'll give us a bump?

Oh, yeah. Big bump. I think we'll be better face-to-face. There's pheromones and energy and connections. I miss your smell, dog. Yeah, for sure. All right. Sweet.

I'm loving this, so I hope you guys listen and are liking it, too. Yes, and keep sending those jokes. They're fun. Alright. Take it easy.