We Might Be Drunk - Ep 151: Halloween 2023 (Simon Rex, Ian Fidance, Jordan Jensen, Oz Pearlman)

Episode Date: October 30, 2023

Prepare yourself for a spine-chilling edition of "We Might Be Drunk" that will leave you laughing in the face of fear! Join the fearless hosts, Mark Normand and Sam Morril, along with a ghoulishly good lineup of guests: the enigmatic Simon Rex, the mysteriously hilarious Ian Fidance, the spellbinding Jordan Jensen, and the mind-bending Oz Pearlman, also known as Oz The Mentalist. In this Halloween extravaganza, the drinks are flowing as freely as the witches' potions, and the laughs are as contagious as a haunted house ghost story. Our eclectic crew dives into the world of movies, sharing spooky favorites that will send shivers down your spine. But beware! This episode is not for the faint of heart, as Oz Pearlman showcases mind-blowing magic tricks that might just leave you questioning reality. Get ready for a night of hilarity, magic, and perhaps a few surprises that go bump in the night. So grab your favorite potion (or beverage of choice), turn down the lights, and join us for a frightfully funny episode that will have you saying, "We Might Be Drunk, but we're definitely entertained!" Don't say we didn't warn you... Mark Normand: https://marknormandcomedy.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Simon Rex: https://www.instagram.com/simonrex415/?hl=en Ian Fidance: https://www.ianfidance.com/ Jordan Jensen: https://www.jordanjensencomedy.com/ Oz Pearlman: https://www.ozpearlman.com/ Grab some tickets to the upcoming November 4th Theater at Madison Square Garden with Sam Morril. Tickets will sell out, so don't wait to grab yours now! Link Below: https://www.ticketmaster.com/event/3B005EDAE0D21883 Buy tickets to Ian Fidance - Special Taping in New York on December 3, 2023 https://www.seetickets.us/event/ian-fidance-special-taping/573497 Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod Bodega Cat: http://www.bodegacatspirits.com | We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ If you want to start a podcast contact [e-mail] for a discount on services when referred by WMBD! Support the show &; get 20% off your order at https://www.liquidiv.com with code DRUNK New customers can score $200 instantly in bonus bets for throwing down just $5 on the NBA. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app &; use code WMBD  

We're rolling. Hey! We might be drunk, we might be gay, we're ambiguous. We got Superman here, Super Jew. That's me. Beer Jew, Salik Jew. Superman. Gambit Jew.

Superman. We got Wolverine Jew. It's Halloween, man. Oh, that's the dog! Yes. Dude! What's that, Millie? Winnie.

Winnie. Can I pet the dog real quick? Of course, dude. Pet the dog. Hi. Oh, my God. Isn't that cute? So what's the story?

How old? She's 16. Gay? Ooh, Epstein. She's on the fence. Yeah, she's gay. I think all dogs are gay or bi. A little bit.

Most animals, actually. I think she's honestly asexual. She's just kind of a cold bitch to anyone who comes near her. Oh, she was nice to me. If all dogs go to heaven, then they can't be gay. Oh. All right. So you guys are doing coffee, but we'll get into a drink.

I mean, we need energy, but yeah, we're drinking too. Okay. Thanks for having me back, guys. We were excited. I mean, I saw you in Charlotte a couple months ago. Thanks for lunch. That was awesome. That was fun. Yeah. That was a good crew. crew he was on tour i was doing a movie there we met up i couldn't come to a show because i was working that night but we were in tony uh cavallari that's right oh he's hot you know you know him from um righteous gemstones he played ozzy osbourne

in the that movie the dirt he's awesome really funny comedic actor. He comes from an improv background. And he's a very nice guy. But he's a big fan of yours. He was so stoked to meet you. That was so fun, man. We had the whole crew. Can I eat these candies? Please, please.

These days, you got to ask everyone because they're drugs and candy. Fentanyl. We got to test it. Oh, shit. Hold on. Fun dip. Fun dip was, this was like drugs for kids. Remember those?

It really was your first dipping in a powder bag. Yeah. Do you guys, not LA guys, but you've been to Hollywood Boulevard, and you've seen the guys that walk around in the soggy, sad suit that looks like they want to be a superhero, but it's like the butt's dirty, and it's soggy, and they're skinny. Like a dirty Pokemon. Nobody pays them. They're just doing it.

Yes. I feel like that guy. Yeah, I can see that. Because your dick is showing a little bit. Oh, I put a little bit like i got a small like right now it's super small it feels like it's showing pretty big in red rocket dude well that was a prosthetic it was a hammer it was a hammer was it fun because i had to put my big dick in a smaller dick so that was uncomfortable no um no it was uh it was very awkward putting on the

prosthetic penis yes it was the director's wife. Who puts it on you? The director's fiance. What? Who was the producer of the movie. Samantha Kwan had to. We had to get intimate pretty quick because she had to like literally I would put my penis in this other dick and she would like do this very independent film. So just basically like paste it around my crotch and balls and we had to do a test where

I had to jog in place and see if it flopped realistically oh that was awesome oh it was awesome and she's asian yeah yeah kwan that's yeah uh so yeah that was sean baker's fiancee and she did so thank you samantha kwan there you go yeah when i got i tore my sack in college jumping a fence and they they had to stitch it up but of course they brought the hot nurse in with my tiny acorn because I'm in a doctor's room, it's cold, I'm nervous. So my ball bag's being sewn up and then the nurse came in and put a gel on it.

Did you get hard? No, I was too ashamed because of how bad it looked. This explains a lot of women issues you have. Yeah, a lot of shame. But you got to sit in the hot blonde, 22-year-old. I had a thing on my dick a while back in the, in the hot. They're like, oh, we have our student. Can she watch?

And I'm like, can I see a picture first? Hot chick. Really? Yeah. She watched? She watched. Wow. And of course you're shriveled as hell.

I'm like, it's not like, it's like, it's a bad dick day. Yeah. Bad dick day. It's like a, it's a full interview for, it's like your dick's first open mic. It's not like, it's like, it's a bad dick day. Yeah, bad dick day. It's like a, it's a full interview. It's like your dick's first open mic. It's not ready. That grower-shower thing is real. Like, I got a couple friends who are just always packing heat, like, 24-7.

And then people like myself who have a little dick that can get big. Okay. So, there's both. And it's the guys with the permanent big hog that are just like, dude, that must give you the big dick energy so much more to know. I know. It's just showing in your pants. Yeah. I know. And you can get pantsed at any moment and you're like, I'm good. So, like, dude, that must give you the big dick energy so much more to know it's just showing in your pants. Yeah. I know.

And you could get pantsed at any moment and you're like, I'm good. So, like, yeah. I was at a comedy festival recently and they do the naked roast, which I don't know why anyone would sign up for that. Who's naked? Everyone or just the victims? Just the victims and the hosts and the judges were all naked. I remember Kurt Metzger had a line about that roast where he goes, just write jokes.

I know. Like, how hard is it to just write jokes? Well, they did have jokes, but I know what you mean. Oh, look at this. This is killer. We got Blood Greta today. That's brilliant. Brilliant.

Is that tequila? You're good, dude. Well played, Gambit. I love the Gambit outfit. I'm a tequila guy. Blood Greta. Awesome. This is great.

Cheers, boys. Hey, Mazel Tov. We might be drunk now. What is the, is it Kool-Aid, or what do you got in there? Oh, no, I just donated my own blood. It's pink grapefruit juice, right? Is this Magic Johnson's blood? Fuck! Oh, God!

He's still going. That's pretty good. Oh, boy. Trying to put down this coffee so I can drink this blood. Yeah, let me kill this. So coffee and alcohol, yeah, so is this the point me kill this hey so coffee and alcohol yeah so this is this the point of day usually where coffee transitions into alcohol or is it different every day no we usually don't drink this early i mean unless we're podcast that's what i mean yeah usually it's the pot the pot the pot will force us so what have you been up to you'll be back in

the movies the world or yeah yeah back in the movie world but i can't so it's funny uh i had to remind myself on the way over here, because of this strike that could be over any day now for the SAG part, the writer's strike's now over, so you see SNL's coming back, all the talk shows are coming back. We were just asking, how come SNL's allowed to come

back if SAG is not complete? Because also, like, Fallon and some of the other talk shows are coming back, I think it's the gray area between it not being writing for an actor. So it's not really SAG because they're not actors. They're hosts, even though they also act. I believe that I'm not smart enough to know this is just what I think. That there's still that sort of the gray area where, OK, now we could do talk shows and then eventually scripted actor show as well.

Got it. OK. That makes sense. So, yeah. Anyway, I'm just glad shit's opening up. But I'm not allowed to talk about all this cool shit I did, but I am allowed to talk about one that was – So, this is how it works is SAG has to give you a, like, basically waver – give you a hall pass to talk about or promote online a movie that you did in DuPresse. So, I'm here for the New York Film festival uh and i got a movie called the sweet east which is a really cool indie that was just in can so i was back in can it's so funny how i got into this like artsy fartsy like you know actor world uh because after red rocket i'm doing these cool indies so this one is like sort of in that same world like shot on film do you ever see a movie

called good time yeah it's a safety brother yeah. Remember how cool that movie was? Great movie. Part of the fucking coolness of that movie was it was shot so beautifully by this DP, director of photography, named Sean Price Williams. Okay. He's the guy who shot that movie. Got it. If you wanted a cool A24 movie or you're in Europe and you want a French artistic movie,

this is the guy you want to shoot your movie. So I met him in Cannes when I was there three years ago for Red Rocket. And he said, I got a movie. I'm doing my first directorial debut. And I just knew it would be cool because he's such a good cinematographer. And I knew he was such a film nerd that he would make a cool movie. And then I read the script and I play a white supremacist professor who's a Nazi sympathizer who gets to drop serious, bad, offensive words that you can't say anymore.

I'm like, I'm in. Wow. And I'm Jewish, so it was fun to play a Nazi sympathizer. I was going to confuse the haters here. Oh, yeah, dude. Now, what about those people like, hey, you're going to have a trans person. You've got to be played by a trans person. Are we going to go to the point where, nah, you've got to have a real Nazi?

Oh, that's a good question. Not in this case. I guess not. They've got the exact opposite. Yeah, exactly so but that was fun to play that so anyway the movie's called the sweet east it's uh that's why i'm here in new york promoting it and uh hell yeah and the canceled people they need to play a real rapist like we bring them back right that's right so we get them back yeah they gotta work oh jim jeffrey said the great bit about like we have to be trans play a trans person but what about all the good-looking people who are playing ugly people?

Like Charlize Theron, his monster. That's right. That should go to a real uggo. A real monster. Yeah, exactly. That's progress. Yes. Oh, there it is.

Okay, so there's... Is this the film that Tony's in as well? No, that one we just shot, that's another movie that I... My first... I actually got my first producer credit on that one. So funny. I just had to ask. Like like i've been acting for 25 fucking years i've never got the respect it's always like stand here say this wear this say it like this which is fine but you you know i got ideas i'm not you know i sometimes direct better than the writer's ideas just being honest and i in this

movie i was i simply said hey i want to be a producer on it and they go okay that's all i had to do this whole fucking time so i had input on my wardrobe i had input on rewrites i'd be on set punch like pitching jokes they put them in the movie i was like this is awesome hell yeah um you know you see some actors who kind of take it to that level of like producing as well that's kind of what i want to do because you know so much shit out there so bad oh yeah that i feel like i i got some ideas hell yeah you've been in the game long enough just the fucking you know jewish face yeah we got a nice mug thanks but yeah yeah good for you because that's what i don't like about acting is you have no control you have no input you know they just

tell you do what they say to say on the paper you have a mark go to that yeah yeah literally stand there where they say so so but some depends on the project there's been some projects where they give you some wiggle room to improv and that's always when like the best shit happens is when you're letting it fly and i agree so so in this movie though the sweet east i was very much i had to stick to the script this guy nick pinkerton wrote it who's a very famous new y York film critic that all the cinephiles know, and he was a super intellectual,

intelligent guy. When I read my lines, I had to Google every other word because I didn't know what the fuck it meant. He was so smart. So he's a film critic. He's a film critic who wrote this movie. That's insane. It's insane, yeah. That's kind of ballsy, because now if you want to go back to criticism, then they're like, well, your movie might have sucked to us. It's like a yeah. That's kind of ballsy. If you want to go back to criticism,

then they're like, well, your movie might have sucked to us. It's like a Jew playing a Nazi. Roger Ebert wrote Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. Really? Is that right? You know that? Whoa. Ebert was a great writer.

True. I mean, he read his reviews. They're incredibly well-read. Well, if this guy gets trashed, you're like, hey, welcome to the club. So anyway, Talia Ryder, who you're looking at right there, she's the lead. She's a great, awesome young actor. And so this one was very much I had to stick to the script. Not a lot of wiggle room, but it's okay. It worked for this movie.

But then the movie you're talking about in Charlotte I did, it's called Operation Taco Gary's. And it's coming out. Don't know when. We just saw the first cut. It's so funny. Basically, we wanted to do a throwback comedy because I'm sure you guys will appreciate this. There's no more good, silly comedies

in the world of those 90s, 2000s comedies that are just, you could put your brain under your seat for 90 minutes and just have a laugh and not take yourself so seriously or be too woke or be too politically correct or be too this and that. We just went for it.

Here, here. Good. Yeah, it's called uh operation taco gary i'm also a nazi in this one producer credit that one is not a can no that one will be a garbage can just kidding it's actually really like this one a lot i love it i just saw the first cut and it's really fucking funny and the cast is great in it so oh wait i don't know if i'm allowed to talk about that one but i just did fuck it well you can cut it out later but also simon is like an i'm sorry marco no i just think the world is craving that silly comedy again yeah yeah yeah exactly no simon is like a legit avid listener of this podcast he'll text me he'll text me like less guests i want more than you you and mark oh and then but then he'll hit

me up he's like i want to come back on that so we got we're happy you're back because he's like a critic of our pod it's actually kind of pathetic it's it's weird because you guys and a few other comics i realized like me and a lot of other dudes out there i'm sure you guys know this now you guys have become kind of our soap opera like we know your guys live so well so listening to the pod yes and we know who's got beef with who and who did this and who slept with a tranny this week and this and that and it's turning this thing where me and my boys are hitting each other up like yeah did you hear this like as if we know you guys and i'm sort of in the diagram where i kind of do know you guys yeah it's it's really become this thing where a lot of guys my age and i'm sure younger and older um

you guys have become truly like a part of our life age and i'm sure younger and older um you guys have become truly like a part of our life we listen to you when we're traveling in the car on the way to work it's like you're for instead of a middle-aged housewife watching days of our lives we know you guys lives now well women need to watch that horse shit i have a girl who watches like i come home it's like beyond deck on bravo i'm like this is fucking god whatever how dare you yeah it's fucking trash. Well, we have. It makes you dumber.

Yeah, I'm an avid listener. I know you guys so well. And it's funny because normally out, and this sounds arrogant, but normally out in the world, people kind of know, like if I meet someone, I don't know that. Well, they know more about me than I know about them. Of course. And that's how it is with you guys. I know so much more about you guys than you know about me.

Well, we met during COVID. We just like kind of became pals during COVID. But I mean, since then, I've like, you know so much more about you guys than you know about me. We met during COVID. We just like kind of became pals during COVID. But I mean, since then, I've like, you know, been watching. I mean, Red Rocket is such a, you give an insane performance, man. Thank you. We've said on the pod, you deserved an Oscar nomination. Yes. I mean, these awards things are bullshit anyway.

But like, you know, you were so good in that. Thanks, man. And there's like a narrative to those things. So now maybe that you got that one under your belt. It's like, you'll get it for the next one or something. Right. Yeah, maybe. You know, it's funny.

I never – it's just funny that that was – I remember when that came out, there was a lot of Oscar buzz around that movie. But Sean Baker, the director, writer, producer, editor, he told me – he goes, here's what's going to happen. And he was totally right. He goes, you're going to get a great buzz for this. We'll probably win a Spirit Award, which we did. We'll win some festival awards, but the Academy won't go near it because of the subject matter. It's about you grooming a girl who's 17 years old.

They're going to run the other way. A lot of the voters are still very involved in that type of stuff. What's that? I'm just kidding. I said the voters are still involved in that type of behavior. That's why they wanted to run the other way. It's a documentary. So I think it was a little heavy subject matter for the Academy,

but the Independent Spirit Awards, they're cool with it, and they loved it. Good. So I think it was a little heavy subject matter for the Academy. It's a dark movie. But the Independent Spirit Awards, they're cool with it, and they loved it. Good. So we got some cool awards, and it was just funny. This sounds like bullshit, but I remember the first time someone shared an article with me, and they're like, these Oscar pundits that predict who's going to win the Oscar. And it was like, Simon Rex, 6%. I'm like, the fact that I'm even in this conversation is fucking hilarious. That's killer.

I have such low self-esteem. People gamble on that. People gamble on that. It's a real thing. My friend Dave Jeska will gamble on the fucking Tonys. That's manly and gay at the same time. Kind of like us. We're ambiguous.

Wow, good for you. 6%. That's not nothing. Well, that was just, for me, I was like, that's funny and that's enough. And then the reality of what that meant was actually kind of scary because I still ride the subway. Like, I rode the subway yesterday. I flew coach out here because I had to get my own ticket and I'm not that rich. I still want to be able, you guys talk about this on the pod, you don't want to get too famous right where you fly too close to the sun yes you want to kind of cruise to where you can still fly coach still take the subway and not be noticed and that's where i'm at in my career and i was like dude

an oscar nomination would put me in that no subway i gotta get first class now category look up some oscar winners matt don't you think there's some oscar winners who like who people we know but people don't really yeah it's some Oscar winners who like, who people, we know, but people don't really know? Yeah, it's changed. It used to be much more of a thing. I feel like now no one cares as much. But anyway.

I mean, like, how many people saw Tar? Like, that's an acclaimed movie. Right, exactly. Right. It's like. Right. Yeah, that's what's become so funny is that all the biggest, like, Oscar buzz movies, like, no one's seen them.

Yeah, it's like late night for us. Simon, which do you sort of end like their career like this is the career i want to have you know it's a good question but i really you know okay oh you know what bill murray because he's never once you've never really seen him do something that you're like that sucks or if he is a part of something it's not that's not the best it's not because of him and he's just steadily like he'll always do a cool indie movie he'll do like he just kind of does what he wants to do like i saw him at can when i was out there and everyone's in a suit and he's in a flowered shirt and he just don't give a fuck i love it yeah he's like one of the last og kind of like fuck you i don't like guys left him and nicholson maybe yeah nicholson but

he's not around as much you don't see him out as much. He was out a couple Lakers games, though. But it was sad that it was a big deal that he was out. Yeah. It's like Winnie being out. You're like, fuck. It's sad that this is news. The sunglasses are just because he's seeing impaired. So I would say Bill Murray, to me, has the ideal career.

Because he just always does cool shit. He's just who he wants to be. And he just stays working. He'll just do a couple movies a year. That would be the dream. But not comparing myself to him at all. He's just who he wants to be, and he just stays working. He'll just do a couple movies a year. That would be the dream. But not comparing myself to him at all. He's just that dope.

And then I was really lucky. So it was funny. When we were in Cannes, for Red Rocket, how it works is you wait in your hotel room to see if you win Best Movie, Best Actor, Best Director, all this stuff. And in Cannes, it's called the Palme d'Or. And it's the top eight movies, I believe, of the year are in that category. So Red Rocket was in that category, which automatically it's a win. You're in like the top eight movies of the year. And there was actually buzz going around that we could win best actor, best movie, all this stuff.

And it went down to the very last second. We're waiting in our hotel room and we didn't get it by like a very small margin. The jury, whatever, Spike Lee was in the jury. It was a whole thing. Anyway, the production company was friends with bill murray and they go we feel so bad you got robbed we're taking you out tonight with a surprise and i go to dinner and bill murray shows up to dinner bill murray sits next to me puts his hand on my leg and he's like so red rocket honey's like i'm just like what is happening oh my lord this is not happening right now. And he was being so funny, and he was fucking with the waiter. Did I not tell this on the last one?

No, I don't remember this. You did tell it. Did I? Oh, shit. Tell it again. Give us the punchline. The punchline is we hung out all night. We're walking through the streets of France.

He's such a cool guy. I see him at the Vanity Fair party a few months later. I go up to him. I'm like, hey, Bill, what's going on? He looks me up and down. He has no idea who I am. fair party a few months later i go up to him hey bill what's going on he looks me up and down has no idea who i am takes his wrapper of his burger and puts it in the inside of my jacket pocket and slaps me on the chest and walks away that's amazing i was like that's even cooler that is

so cool yeah he just didn't remember me he'll just show up to frat parties and you know bars and buy everybody around i did tell that story but there'll be a few listeners that didn't hear that i know and and dude you're one of those dudes i was so pumped wanted to come back because i feel like the last episode i mean we even cut some gold because we had to you asked there was a couple things we couldn't tell charlie sheen oh really but but it was i mean the stories we kept in were fucking gold good good good yeah yeah uh well you know i think it's also kind of like i know i listen to the show so much that i feel like i could kind of just jump right in and zing and zang with you boys and i get it some shows you go on it's like you might not like it right now i'm getting set up with some podcasts

that i kind of got to do the homework before and like listen to it to get sort of the tone of the show uh but yeah i hate a podcast with homework come on yeah i mean we'll give you some peeves and wrecks but that's you know some people get annoyed with that even oh really that's the best shit i love how your guest the other day's dad called in with some peeves who was it your boy uh you had on glassman yeah and his dad had a polarizing guest yeah you either love him or you hate him good numbers on that up though i gotta say he brings his people oh yeah he's got the weirdos now uh yeah it was funny because if you just listen to it and don't watch it there was those pauses that he was taking that you couldn't tell if he was like if it was serious or not which is entertaining and funny like like he had that's his shtick right like he

was kind of doing this thing i'm like oh if i'm watching this i think i'd pick up on it more but i was driving and listening but it was like a funny thing he was doing with you guys where he was like kind of breaking your balls and acting like he was really upset or whatever you know he was a little little frosty that day he came in hot yeah he just did an earlier pod and he was he was a little spicy that's the thing too sometimes people come to the city and they just like rack up eight pods in a day and you're like number five and they come and they're like what yeah you asked on yeah yeah exactly you begged to get on here yeah but hey yeah what else so yeah i'm going back to what you're saying though the the wrecks and the peeves that's one of the best parts of the show and going back further i did let you know

once i think just as a fan if anything when you have a guest on it would i love hearing you two just alone together that my note was maybe you two guys do 10 minutes alone before your guest comes in that way we've been doing that that's just my horrible idea i like the note no where'd you grow up i grew up in the bay area san francisco oakland berkeley bay area so did you do the the trick-or-treating as a youth oh yeah absolutely and i remember back it was in the 80s uh uh that your parents would have to go through all the candy because there was i don't know if you guys had this in new orleans and new york where there'd be like a razor blade which is insane because think about how expensive razor blades are good point well it'd actually be helpful because you know razors are not cheap

you're hoping there's one in there like all right perfect right fear that there was like rate like that must have been everywhere because i remember the parents having to go through the candy and make sure it was safe. Yeah. It's a weird thing as like a villain, like to get your satisfaction not in front of you. Like I hope somebody

got fucked up. Yeah. It's like the lotto, but like for scarring a kid's face. You gotta watch the news every night. Come on, kid.

Do I have another blood? Absolutely. There was a Snopes on this. This time make it a charlie sheen and uh it did happen once the razor blade and the apple but it was done by the father to his own son whoa so you can check out snopes that's in there the apple don't fall too far from hey there you go an apple a day it'll kill your son we might be marvin gay oh baby, baby. So, yeah, anyway, that was my note to you that time. I think I texted you and I was like, I love it when it's just you guys, so maybe there's a way to do both.

But I guess it all depends on the guest. But you two just together is just so great. All right. Until someone like me comes in, hogs the mic, and ruins the flow. No, we like it, man. God damn it. Heavy flow. Good flow.

Love the flow. We're drinking blood anyway. All right. All right. So, wait. Okay. So, yeah. Halloween poison candy. Just drink the blood. We're drinking blood anyway. All right. All right. So wait. Okay. So yeah. Halloween poison candy.

What else? Halloween. Halloween. Oh, those abductions. Are you a horror movie guy? Not really. Me neither. You know, I'm not.

I don't want to pay to be. I kind of live in fight or flight all the time as a Jew anyway. I'm always in this state of like something bad's going to happen. So watching that to me, it just doesn't do it for me. I'm with you. My life's kind of a horror movie like uh yeah not really but in the sense that i'm you know like i feel that i gotta work very hard at like relaxing it doesn't do it for me i'm with you i did i did see paranoia paranoidal was it paranormal activity paranormal i saw in a black

neighborhood and that was pretty great that was helpful that's always fun i've been going into movies as a kid in oakland was the best because the crowd yelling at the screen was half the fun i mean i've said it before i saw american pie in a black neighborhood and he you know they show the pie all mangled and some guy goes he tore that shit up and the fucking place erupted popcorn went in the air it was a it was a hoot and a holler start of a comedy career right there yeah he got his first laugh. Adam Sandler said he got his first laughs zinging in movies. Really? Yeah, yeah. I probably told this last time. People always ask me

why I want to get in the show business, which I actually never did. It kind of just fortuitously fell in my lap. But when I was 12 years old, I went to an Oakland A's game and I was in the bleachers. It was $1 bleacher tickets. I'm in the bleachers with my boys. I probably told this on the last one. I don't remember this. And it cuts, you know when the camera cuts to someone in the crowd so it cuts to me and my boys were 12 and i double flip off the camera on the jumbotron

32 000 people erupt in laughter and i got this tingle obviously that was like but it wasn't like at that moment i'm like oh i'm gonna go into show business but it was sort of a core memory or something that was like well that was special like like, oh, I'm going to go into show business. But it was sort of a core memory or something that was like, well, that was special. Like in the cutaway right away. But everyone was laughing and I was like, yeah. I bet that lives on the Internet somewhere. We got to find out. No, because this was 1989.

Oh, yeah. There was no nobody had. Yeah. We had Stavi and I were on the board at the Liberty game. They put us on the screen. Yeah. And I know it took Stav like every every ounce of strength not to just immediately go you know but uh no we were on the on the screen together it's fun as hell but like that moment

as a comic you're like do i want to get invited back did you kiss i kind of wanted it that would have been awesome um i was just watching this horror movie called i didn't it was i don't like horror movies and this is actually a peeve of mine it's it's a really well-made movie it's a very good movie it's called talk to me you can look it up it's i think it's australian is it newer it's new yeah i heard about it i've heard it's really good 824 is killing it exactly they make good shit it's it's a really well-made movie i think it's got crazy high rotten tomatoes too but this is a peeve of mine and i like horror when it's like either psychological or like – Yes.

And this did have an element to it that was psychological. But the premise is like there's a stone hand that's cursed and you grab it and you can let in dead spirits to your body. And you say, you know, talk to me. And then you allow the spirit in. But if you let them in too long, they overtake your body. But it's like a drug for the kids. Right. It's a smart premise.

My issue is this. There are bad signs already. And I don't like, like, there's enough horror in your life to go with what you're saying. When you bring upon you this unnecessary shit. There's another peeve in horror movies. When the spirit takes over you and it's like, and then you see a person be like, run. You know? That's a peeve like what do we do this has been done to death right but that's in the movie like all right but then they keep doing it till more and more bad shit happens you're like you see people are suffering

yeah yeah but i don't like dumb decisions i think it's hard for me to and you, you know, I'm watching my girl, and she's like, they're kids. And I'm like, I know, but I think kids are fucking dumb. Yeah. Like, Scream had enough, like, comic relief for me. Yes. Well, to me, the supernatural fucks me up. Like, when there's a comedy movie, and they're like, but the kid made a wish, and it all came true. And I'm like, well, now I'm out of it.

That's exactly right. That's how I felt with Game of Thrones. I was in until dragons flew around. Thank you. As soon as dragons and white walkers, which is racist, but I'm out of it. That's exactly right. That's how I felt with Game of Thrones. I was in until dragons flew around. Thank you. As soon as dragons and white walkers, which is racist, but I won't get into that, start walking around white, I'm out. I'm out. It's like then it's a sci-fi thing and you're talking mystical realms.

Just keep it to your brothers fucking your sister and you're going to get decapitated. I can relate to that. We got incest. Dragons fly around. I'm out. I'm out. You know? It is weird how much the brother and sister fucking used to be a thing because i talked about this in the previous episode but like the roman empire

used to be i mean it's online baby step bro all that shit step yeah you're saying that's the number one looked up uh porn is step family because some people want to fuck their number one it's number one but i used to be i thought it was step not mom or oh it's step anything oh step by step step by step ladder yeah you name it uh 12 steps yeah that's an orgy but yeah so they uh you but i think that goes back to like primal days of like fucking your sister fucking your cousin that's all you had when you were in your little village yeah some of these people had options well i'm all inbred back in them days all those romans had options i think they were just like true it was like the arrogance of your bloodline.

Yes. I think it was like, I was watching one of them, and I think it was Caligula, and he was like, my sister and I are pregnant. We're expecting it. Everyone even then was like, ooh. Except one guy was like, a toast. I'm like, that's a survivor. Yeah.

He knew what he had to do. The best thing about incest is you already met the parents somebody write that down guess who's coming to dinner but it's just a regular night exactly that's so funny yeah that's good stuff i'm an only child so i can't relate oh you got lucky or unlucky right well so here's the thing. Only child, so I'm a mess. But I had step family, so I shared my toys. And it wasn't just like me, but not by blood. You know what I mean?

Step brothers or sisters? I had two step families. Oh, man. You were cleaning up. My mom's busy, yeah. So now, growing up, I had two step brothers in San Francisco. I'll tell you, this guy's got more steps than an Apple watch. And one of my stepbrothers, he was like a savant.

Like he was he's like really very, very intelligent. And he was investing in the stock market when he was 10 years old. I'll never forget. He would buy like the product of the stock he invested in and put it in the window of our house in San Francisco. Because in his mind, it was a billboard to promote that product to get more sales now obviously the numbers wise it's not going to do that but to think that way at 10 this kid's a genius no he is and then we would go to New York or San Francisco Giants games and he would sit there and count every stat and look in the chronicle the next day and if they were wrong he'd call them upset and be like you guys were wrong about

how many pitch like he was like whatever I don't know what you call that autism yeah some form of it some form but but hyper intelligent but like you know like yeah that is like what's he doing now he's murdering people no he's counting cards in vegas yeah no he's in sales and he has a bunch of kids in san francisco and he's just a good dude but he was just like it was just interesting to see that way of thinking because I'm just the opposite. Well, what do you think of San Fransisky? Is it as bad as they say on the news? Is it apocalyptic?

Are the businesses going away? Is it fentanyl all day? Yeah, I was just actually out there. I was actually just with Pete. I wanted to take, so Pete Davidson was doing standup up there so I wanted to go take him out in my hometown because I'm like, bro, I'm always in New York with you. Let me take you around show you some good food it was so fucked he's just so famous we couldn't even go right we would try to go get lunch and and nowadays with social media

not only do you get bum rushed with a photo without them asking like this young generation of kids now with the phone they just come up and film you and tag where you're at so you can't sit down and have lunch good point in five, everyone's going to be showing up. Right. And San Francisco's not like a showbiz town, so that's a big deal if Pete Davidson's having lunch somewhere. Yeah. So unfortunately, we didn't get to do it. But to your point, I drove you to the Tenderloin.

Where would you have taken them real quick? Okay, so there was a few places. There's a place called Swan. Swan Oyster Depot. Yeah, that's one of the top ones. It's always a line is the problem in waiting in line with him stuff. Oyster and Depot is not a great combination. But it's just like a real good OG San Francisco.

The owner looks like Colin Quinn. It's a real blue-collar place where they're just shucking oysters and sashimi-style fish. Boudin. I saw that. No, it's really good. And there's a few other places I'll mispronounce that are like some Asian fusion.

But anyway, to answer your question, it's shitty, but it's definitely sensationalized in the media. Oh, they were so mad that Cash App guy didn't die from a random.

You could tell that the media was just like, fuck, we wanted this so bad right right he died but it was it was planned it wasn't like a random oh right right right there are random people that kill you but so like the murder rate is way worse in other cities new orleans sorry crazy miami you know a lot of places so the murder rate's not that crazy in san francisco it's more just like there's shitty crimes like your car is going to get broken into because of the the very lax laws on like a theft under a thousand bucks you don't go to jail so it's just green light for everyone to rob out of your car which

is like yeah that sucks um and you see it on the clips everywhere and it's uh it's shitty but it's still one of the most beautiful cities i love it great food great you know fucking great place to grow up don't want to live there anymore. But like so much culture there. It's kind of like the New York of California. We have everything. We get like, you know, it's like an urban metropolis. You get every type of, you know, sex, race, whatever.

Come as you are. Like whatever, you know. So good place to grow up. Great place to grow up. Beautiful city. And the Niners, baby. Yeah. And the Warriors, baby. We've got good sports.

They're balling, yeah. I mean, the Niners are looking incredible. We're looking incredible. just got to stay healthy it's it's kind of nerve-wracking when you're this good in the beginning of the year you want to get good in the second half of the year and not be uh hurt so but they have the talent we got the talent baby oh yeah and it's just such a disney movie like the whole quarterback story is just so unbelievable mr irrelevant last pick number three get rid of him and now he's coming out there putting up MVP numbers. It's kind of insane. It's like a Tom Brady story.

He's not a Tom Brady, but he's like that kind of story. He's got the best offense. He's Bay Area. Tom Brady's Bay Area. Yeah, there you go. So is my guy Julian Edelman is a Bay Area guy. Oh, yeah, I met him the other day. He was at Pete's show, the wide receiver on the Patriots.

Yeah, he was a cool guy. He was backstage at Pete's show in L.A uh was shooting the shit with him for a while and we were talking football and uh cool dude great guy you don't want to fight that guy in a bar he was just i thought he was a ufc fighter when he first walked in he's just built like uh he will fuck you up those are always the nicest guys exactly fuck you up like ufc fighters always uh like a like a gentle lamb of a 16 yearyear-old dog. They're so relaxed because they know they'll fuck you up. It's the loud ones that talk shit.

Exactly. That are the ones that are pussies usually. I was in Phoenix and the fighter, Kelvin Gaslam, is at the show. Oh. Nicest guy. Tough dude. But he'll fucking, I mean, like he's incredible as a fighter. Oh, yeah.

Incredible. And he comes in my green room after. He's like, one table, just one. Shut up. And I was like, can you imagine getting shushed by a fucking, just a badass professional fighter? And you're like,

fuck off. And he just like stands up and you're like, wow, you don't know. Because he doesn't look like he's going to kill you. Short guy.

Tiny guy, but he will fucking kill you. Yeah, nowadays you can't fuck anyone because you don't just know the cauliflower ears and sign number one, but a lot of times,

I remember taking jujitsu for a year and then one day realizing, oh, I'm not this guy. But I tried it for a while. And I remember going into the class and being like, so many of these guys you would never think. And they would fuck you up. And they don't look you the part, but it just goes to show you. It's true. It's like chlamydia. You never know.

The dick looks the same, but it's in there. The shit is in there. Even a school shooter, you can tell. Like, I bet that guy's a... Either way, you're peeing blood. That's the point. Yeah, I did jujitsu for a year. And it's like one of those things where I like golfed for a year or two.

And after a while, some things in life, you got to kind of find out who you are by finding out who you're not. And I remember I had this epiphany. I was in jujitsu class. And I got this dude with my arms behind my my back like ready to dislocate out of my shoulder and the dude's sitting on my face and i'm smelling his asshole and i remember at that moment i had a thought i go i'm paying money for this and i never went back again and i pay money to be a woman really right yeah true true um and i said why am i why am i doing this uh but you learned some stuff learned a couple of things and actually the one time i got in a fight in 20 years i used it and it fucking worked yeah what happened in the fight

bill murray so i fly to australia bill what bill murray you beat him up oh yeah yeah um muhammad ali his last fight he got him no so i fly i fly to australia and as we know australians are ready to fight oh yeah fly to australia i was back, Australians are ready to fight all the time. Oh, yeah. I fly to Australia. Back when I was doing Dirt Nasty, this music comedy persona that I had. My dick costed late night. Yeah, baby. Your dick got the HIV. I remember.

Nice. Speaking of HIV, can we get another round of Bloody IVs? Yeah, let's go. Bloody IVs. I love that song. Wait, are you Spider-Man under there? Gambit. Who's Gambit? What is that? X-Men. Oh, I've never seen Spider-Man under there? Gambit. Who's Gambit?

What is that? X-Men. Oh, I've never seen X-Men. I'm not a Marvel guy. He's Creole? Yeah. Oh, so they're becoming more cultural marvels? Yeah.

No, there's an older one. That's what I call Bruce Jenner. X-Men. All right. There we go. We're back. That was good, baby. Put that down with the incest.

All right, keep going. So anyway, I'll never forget because I was so mad at my tour manager. We flew to Australia, which is a very long fucking travel day. And we land at 5 a.m. and I have a show that night at midnight. Oh! And I was like, why would... And I didn't realize we'd get there. I'm like, wait, you got me playing tonight?

Oh, my God. And I'm so... Obviously, jet lag. I know you were saying jet lag takes you two days. But on that one, like, you're kind of... That day, you're like, whoa, I'm on the other time zone. You flew on obviously jet lagged. I know you were saying jet lag takes you two days, but on that one, you're kind of that day, you're like, whoa, I'm on the other time zone. You flew yesterday. David Tell had a bit about that where he goes, the time change is so crazy.

I land in Australia. I called myself. I picked up the phone. Tell. Okay, that's clean, too. Truly, I don't like when people overuse the goat. That's a peeve, but the goat. Yeah.

Everyone's always like goat, too. Truly, I don't like when people overuse the goat. That's a peeve, but the goat. The goat. Yeah. Everyone's always like goat, goat. No, the greatest of all time is usually one, and Attell could arguably be one. Who's better? Who's better? He's one of a few goats. He just makes me happy. You watch him, and you're like, this is, like, you feel joyful.

Yes. You know, it's weird. Comedy concentrate. He's like the frozen shit in the orange juice can, you know? There's no water in it. Yeah. Yeah, he's sort of like, because I remember living here in the 90s and going to comedy clubs and even back then like in the mid 90s he was out like such a fixture and like my my good friend

jordan rubin who's sort of my conduit yeah he's funny he's great and he was a comic and he was friends with all the comedians so he kind of got me in that world where's he now he's uh he's in la writing directing producing oh great yeah uh and gay porn yeah all right he's sucking his own dick good for him um so okay the fight so i get to australia it's an easy premise i land i i have to party all day to stay awake so it's just like espresso beer speaking of coffee just keeping it going and finally i get on stage it was out of a movie and the second i get on stage um i grab the mic i'm holding the mic and a I get on stage. It was out of a movie. And the second I get on stage, I grab the mic. I'm holding the mic.

And a dude jumps on stage, grabs the mic, and yells, Australia! And punches me in the face with the microphone. What the fuck? So I just remember. Wait, did you say anything anti-Australia to precede this? No, it was the moment I got on stage without a hesitation. He bought a ticket for this? Yeah. And he's holding a roll of quarters, basically, which was always, I remember, back in the hesitation. He bought a ticket for this? Yeah.

And he's holding a roll of quarters, basically, which was always, I remember back in the 80s is how you wanted to punch someone. So he's holding the mic and he punches me in the face. And I perfectly turned because I just remember like turned with getting punched. And I turned and I look right at my DJ and he just is like, oh shit. And it was like slow motion, you know, time kind of slows down in a car accident or a fight or whatever. And I just turn. And the one year of jujitsu, I don't want to sound like I'm tough because I'm a pussy.

But this is what happened. I grabbed the dude by his shirt. And I remember if it's a T-shirt, not a gi, you grab and turn up and trip him and fall on top of him. Okay. And I did just that. Who's wearing a gi to a – Well, that's what – What do you mean a gi?

The argument in jujitsu is a suit. A suit wearing a gi to a... Well, that's what they call it. One of your gigs. Their argument in jujitsu is a suit. A suit is a gi or a jacket could be a gi. So this guy had a t-shirt so you grab it, turn it, I trip him

and I land on top of him and I just start bombing on him and it was like Christmas story when he's beating up the bully and I'm thinking I'm beating this dude's ass.

I can't believe I'm beating this dude's ass. In front of an audience, by the way. A circle forms around us and is going dirt nasty, dirt nasty. And I'm thinking, I'm beating this dude's ass. I can't believe I'm beating this dude's ass. In front of an audience, by the way. A circle forms around us and is going, dirt nasty, dirt nasty. And I'm just socking this dude. And I'm like, this is the best show on earth.

This looks fake like it was planned. And that was Will Smith. And security grabs me off and they pull me to the side. They're like, mate, I didn't think you had it in you, mate. Good technique. And I was like, oh, this is awesome. And then they were kicking the guy out i'm like no bring him back i want to give a beer wow and they're like yeah and then it was he comes back and immediately attacks you exactly it just keeps going uh and then the next day it was in the newspapers what dirt nasty beats up fan at show and it was the best press ever because then the rest of the Australian tour.

Is that you? Yeah, that's the show. But this was in Australia. The rest of the tour's dude is challenging you. So wait a minute. I don't know if it would be on YouTube. But this is. So then the rest of the tour, I had this reputation as, oh, he's crazy.

He beats people up. That's not good. And for the first time in my life, I was just laughing because I'm so not that guy. That it was funny to be in Australia with this reputation like, like hey he beats up his fans be careful with this guy and they had security for the rest of the tour with me at all times because like they thought i was a liability i'm like you guys have no idea what a pussy i am that was so fuck it was just kind of funny to for a week great in australia be considered a tough guy and i've never had that now every australian has a stereotype the jews are tough you know thanks to you yeah i mean that was crazy so and then yeah that was uh but yeah back but the reality is is i'm really not a tough guy but hey you took the guy on in front of an audience

it's too bad it was self-defense it really was the proper way awesome it was it was like i it's like it would it was almost like all right dude i jump on stage. You're going to grab the mic, yell Australia. You're going to punch me, then let me beat you up in front of everyone. And then security's going to pull. It was like perfect. It was like a plant. It was perfect. Wow, what a psycho.

So he planned that. I mean, what a nut. Was he wasted? Yeah, he was wasted, yeah. But I knew the Australian way. I was like, bring them back, get them a beer. And it was like, they love that. So I don't know.

You're doing Australia. Yeah, I'm doing it. I did it, bring them back, get them a beer. And it was like, they love that. So I don't know. You're doing Australia. Yeah, I'm doing it. I did it, I don't know, a couple months ago. And they yell Shooey. So watch out. Oh, yeah. You gotta drink out of a shoe. And I just kept saying, shut up. All right, all right. But I did like 20 shows. So by the last one, I was ready. I went to Walmart. The Shooey will not replace us.

Yeah. I met the guys who started the Shooey. They're these surfer kind of dudes. Oh, really? Yeah, they came to one of my shows, and they're the guys that, like, pioneer or started the shoey. No, actually. Pioneer is such a weird word for that. A little drastic.

No, I think it was actually, there was, like, an argument where there was, like, a famous race car driver in Australia did it after he won. There's some origin story to why they're shoeys, but it's just stupid. You're drinking out of a dirty shoe. I went out and a shoe i was ahead of the curve i bought a shoe at walmart i scuffed it up a little bit and then they yelled shoeie and i had my friend throw it to me i caught it and i did it but i did it the last show because it was what kind of shoe we talking it was like a van's piece of shit knockoff white shoe i have a video of it on my instagram but what's it?

Tui Vasa? Whatever that UFC guy does the shoeie every time. Oh, I'm not sure. Yeah. Yeah, Australia. Burt did it. He got laryngitis. No fucking way. Because it's just, here we go.

Do a shoeie, you cunt. That's all they yell. And the crowd's going ape shit. So that one guy threw me a fake shoe. You know it's a bad sign when Burt Kreischer's body can't handle it. Exactly. Let me piss real quick. I'll be right back.

Piss? We just got it here. It's the coffee. It's the bloody tequila. We'll hold it down, Mark. Thank you. Winnie can take my mic for a minute. There you go.

See, it's a clean shoe. You can tell. Did a package come, boys, that I ordered to this studio? I want to give you at the end gift uh no i just oh you got him there perfect we'll do it later just want to see oh i didn't know there's a secret i got a gift for you guys so um yeah it's funny because uh you so you just got back from australia see this is what i'm saying i know more about you guys than you know you just were in europe yes you're in australia you know more about me than my father i yeah it's

fucking yeah your dad was a very he was a businessman you guys lived in a mansion you had uh that was empty you got robbed a lot for your bike yes there was um if i could remember the trans black woman that raised you this is scary her name was like uh matilda olive head or something close close not not. Think of penis. Enos. Enos. Enos the penis. I mean, you can't make this shit up.

You can't make it up. And she hooked up, or he hooked up. He was a drag queen. I got murdered. Hooked up with a guy, got murdered in a van. You've told that story a lot, though, so that one's not that crazy. That's a great story. I've heard that one on a couple different pods, because that's some real shit.

All right, penis. New Orleans is a rough town, man. Everybody's like, you're going to New York. You're watching out there. Yeah, that's what I'm real shit. All right, penis. New Orleans is a rough town, man. Everybody's like, you're going to New York. You watch out up there. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm like, no, New Orleans is way scarier. That's when people talk about how San Francisco is so out of control. Like, yeah, it's a little sketchy, but every major city.

And New Orleans to me is where like, oh, you'll just disappear out here. Oh, yeah. Okay, can I tell you the best? Okay, real quick one. I know I'm a lot. I'm a lot. I'm a lot. Bring it on, buddy.

One of the funnest nights of my life. Did you have this dog since puppy days? No. It's like 16. No, I'm saying you got it as a puppy? No, it's my girl's dog. Oh, it's your girl's dog. She adopted her at nine.

Oh, that's cool. The girl you go to hot yoga with. See, I know your life too much. Hey, come on. Another one with that. She adopted her at nine. She's 16 now i mean she just adopted she's got the body of a 15 year old um it feels bad they're gonna you know die in

a shelter because people take them back so yeah i get it man you get so attached to those fucking things i i found a lizard i live in joshua tree and i found this very rare lizard called the horny toad if you want to pull it up and they're so beautiful and rare you can sell them for like three grand to germans or some country and i caught one and i put it in a jar and i live alone out in the desert this in one day i got attached to a lizard that's how much pets this was a cold-blooded lizard that but enough about the real housewives no this was a real lizard and i put it in a jar with a little like sand and a little fake tree and i slept next to my bed with this lizard and i swear i had to let him go the next day and I was like,

I'm like, I'm actually sad to let this little buddy go. I'm like, that was one day with a fucking lizard. You'll never get an abortion. Imagine how attached

you get to a dog. I know. They're the fucking best. Speaking of abortion, is that what this is? Is this the clan parenthood? Okay, real quick New Orleans story,

can I? Yeah, please. I'm sorry guys. No, we love it. Nola, baby. And you guys are, let's see that picture of Pacino. That's you guys when I'm talking. So. No, we love it. Nola, baby. And you guys are, let's see that picture of Pacino. That's you guys when I'm talking.

So I go to New Orleans with my buddy J.E. and his manager. J.E. is a guy from St. Louis who produced a lot of Nelly hits, like Country Grammar. Remember that shit? Oh, do I remember Country Grammar? My boy, he's like a white boy producer, and he's like the man in St. Louis. And I'm shooting a movie in New Orleans. He's like, we want to come to New Orleans. So so he comes down and we're drunk in the french quarters eating barbecue at one of those like make shit not like like it's just a barrel like someone rolls it up and you're

eating the barbecue sure and my boy who's from st louis is like man this is the best barbecue sauce i'm bringing some back so he goes i'm bringing some back so he buys a jar of barbecue sauce in the street and we're really drunk at two in the morning and these two uh black guys come up to us and they go y'all want to see the real new orleans and we're so drunk we go yeah and jump in their car whoa me a jewish manager and this big white dude who makes nelly's hits who's a tatted up big white boy and we jump in these strangers car and we drive to the hood oh boy in fucking new orleans and we're so drunk we don't even think about what we're doing we get

there and we get out of the car and it's like one of those movies in the 80s like when chevy chase pulls up in vacation to the wrong neighborhood like you know what i mean like yeah which way to the freeway man fuck your mom like one of those moments and we get out of the car what's oh yeah nelly cut it um royalties and uh so we get out of the car and dude out of this is out of a fucking movie i love we walk up to the club with these guys we don't even know we go to a club with these guys they want to show us the real new orleans there's a old black like a trick i don't know this is real there's an old like classy black man in an all white suit out front at the door to the club. We are the only white people in sight. You're in heaven.

They killed you. And my boy, as we walk in, drops the barbecue sauce. It shatters on the ground all over the dude's white suit. You step on sneakers, you're done. Imagine a white suit barbecue stain. Everything

stopped. Everyone looked at us and it's me and two other white boys in the hood that spilled barbecue sauce on sneakers, you're done. Imagine a white suit barbecue stain. Everything stopped. Everyone looked at us, and it's me and two other white boys in the hood that spilled barbecue sauce on the dude's white suit. That is the whitest thing possible. Ever possible. And I'm just, in that moment, I'm like, we're done. And he looks down at his suit, and he looks up, and he goes, man, it would be the only white boys around here spilling barbecue sauce on me. Get your ass in here. And he let us in, and they they loved us and they put us on stage and they had these girls it was called a bounce club oh i know about so bounce is like the genre

of music in new orleans that's called bounce music and sissy nabi is like a famous bounce artist and it's sort of like a it's like miami booty base whatever and all of a sudden we're on stage as like we're the joke and we're getting these girls barefoot are standing on their hands, booty clapping us like we're a pinball machine. And we're just getting ping pong on stage. And you just see the whole crowd's laughing and loving us. That's incredible. It was the coolest, most fun time I ever had in my life. You DJed crawls and road trip.

Yeah. Dude. Did you start doing some nasty? No, we were just on stage having a good time. Do they know you rap? No, they have no idea who we were. Oh, that would blow their minds. We were a novelty because they were like, these white dudes must be crazy to be in the hood like this.

Who are they? Put them on stage. Yeah. But it started with the barbecue sauce on the fucking suit. And I thought we were dead. It was out of the blue. And he let us in. It was so good.

How great would later. What a great moment. They're hung over and they're like, was that the guy from Felicity? Holy shit. There's a later... What a great moment. They're hung over and they're like, was that the guy from Felicity? Holy shit. There's a little bounce. So was that. We were getting bounced on stage. It's all twerk music.

But I'll be honest, I had more fun at that party than any douchebag Hollywood fucking showbiz party. Yeah, hell yeah. Do you go to them? You kind of have to. It's part of your job. You got to go meet people.

You do make connections in this business are just as important as almost anything else it's like who you know and when you go sometimes you're led into like the van like i remember i went to the vanity fair party the last couple years and that's where like only the select people get in and that's where you're meeting everybody wow let me get your number and you then you do a movie with that person you know i mean I mean? It's like, that's how I met Todd Phillips. I met him at the Soho. The king. Your boy. I met him at the Soho house. It was the first time I ever went to the Soho house, which for listeners is sort of a exclusive high-end Hollywood and worldwide club. It's kind of a douchey club. It is. But it's where like people go that are making money. Networking. It's kind of like the first class lounge compared to their other restaurant so the second the elevator doors open my first time ever

in soho house one step two step todd phillips comes up to me and he goes dirt nasty big fan get his phone number game next thing you know we're working on shit together he's putting my music in his movies he put me in a movie. Whoa. He EP'd a pilot I did. What movie? The movie was called, it was like a party movie. I got to edit it out. It was a party movie where the whole thing was a frat party. He was producing it.

I forgot what this called. And he was directing it from on the phone, giving me directing notes while he was doing Hangover 3 in Bangkok. Holy shit. And he was calling, and the movie was called like, fuck, I have no idea. Dude, it's- I'm sure you could find that wherever the fuck you're digging.

I'm not lying. It was released. It's a real movie, but I'm not, I think in the end I'm in it for a frame because- We don't know. It's a Todd Phillips produced it movie, and it's about a party. It probably came out in like 2011, 12.

Anyway, to my point, that's kind of like how important those rooms are. Yes. And how far that could go is just like, hey, Project X. There it is. I thought this was Project X. And if you get there's in the DVD outtakes, they have my full scene in it. But OK.

Anyway, but that's neither here nor there. I got to work with Todd and become friends with him. And now he's my boy and he's the best. And yeah, it's just like those relationships are shit that your agent and manager can't even get you you know what i mean that you gotta it's part of your job is to go like be in those rooms so totally um i just feel like i have imposter syndrome like with other actors i don't feel like i'm really so funny is you saying that in the superman i just feel like i don't fit in well no it's true like i but i feel like i do you guys have this i feel like i don't

fit in anywhere. I have this everywhere. No matter what I've done in my life or a career, I'm like, I'm not one of you guys. And it's probably just me being insecure or low self-esteem, whatever it is. But I don't ever feel like I'm part of a group. Yeah, yeah. You know, like I know a lot of comics, but I'm not one of you guys. I work with actors, but I'm like, but I'm not really one of you guys.

When I was rapping, I'm like, I'm doing this as a joke. I'm not a real rapper guys. I work with actors, but I'm like, but I'm not really one of you guys. When I was rapping, I'm like, I'm doing this as a joke. I'm not a real rapper. Right. That's interesting. I think that makes you almost like, I mean, fit in everywhere instead of not fit in everywhere. Oh, yeah. Chameleon style, baby. And if you did fit in someplace, you might not be as driven.

Yeah. I think that the not fitting in makes you kind of like kick it up a notch. Like, I'll do this, I'll do that. What does fitting in even mean? I feel like comfortable with Mark because we've been friends for so long yeah but i don't feel comfortable like the bigger the group the less comfortable i feel like that's group think is so dangerous you just see look everything that's wrong right now is this sort of large group thinking that's just so not like i feel like and this sounds so corny but i'm like a lone wolf who

doesn't want to be in a large group because i I feel like that's dangerous in a weird way. Like all the bad shit you ever see from cults to politics to whatever. It's always like groupthink. Yes. And people always say, be yourself. You've got to find you. And then when you be yourself, you're like, that's not what the group thinks. You're like, wait, I thought we were all supposed to be individuals.

And now you're mad at me for being an individual. And then what's the Adolf Hitler quote? I would never want to be a member of a group that would have me as a member. That's Groucho Marx. Oh, the Marxist. That's right. That then what's the Adolf Hitler quote? I would never want to be a member of a group that would have me as a member. That's Groucho Marx, but yeah. Oh, the Marxist, right. That's what I meant. Be yourself. Everyone else is taken. Adolf Hitler. Another good Hitler quote. You miss 100 shots

you don't take. Big Hitler. So what else were we talking about? I think that was Wayne Gretzky. What does that clock mean? Is that real time? Real time. You guys keep it about an hour, right? No, we go.

This is a long app. Oh, it is. This is a special app. This is a creepy episode. Oh, buckle up. We got people coming by. Oh, I love it. No, it's great.

We got trick-or-treaters. Yeah, we got kids coming. So talk that dick. I know you got peeves. Oh, my God. This is Christmas. It's red and green now. What is that?

A jello gun? I found a hypnotic in a liquor store speaking of black club i have the best i got the best stories i'm hell yeah the best hypnotic story but these are for you simon these are tequila incredible hoax okay i gotta go to um my movie premiere tonight. I'm going to be fucking hammered. And I got to get on stage and talk like in the artsy-fartsy New York Film Festival. And I'm going to get up there and just be like,

I just thought we might be drunk. You want to hire me to pretend to be an Australian? I'll punch you. It'll get great buzz for the movie. No, but that seemed fake, but that really happened. Simon Rex does it again. Yeah, baby. Are we getting a photo right now?

Is that what we're doing? Hey, this is getting off the rails, baby. Okay, hypnotic. You ready for this one? Hit me. This is a good one. So this girl, fuck her. This girl, I'm not going to say her name

because I don't remember it. Years ago. Demi Lovato. She calls me up crying. This is probably, I remember if I had my phone, was it the LG phone with the antenna? So far it sounds like any woman.

I'm going to say this was like maybe 05-ish. And I get a call and I was in New York, visiting my boy. I'll never forget. I was driving down Central Park and I answer the phone and it was like the LG flip phone days. Yeah. And she's crying and she goes, I'm pregnant. Oh! And I instinctively, this is back in the Western Union days.

Jesus Christ. This is like the old Wild West, like 20 years ago. She goes, I'm pregnant. She's crying and she's doing such a performative good job that I don't even think about it. And I'm like, oh, okay, what do you need? She's like, just Western Union, $350 to Texas, or just wherever she was. I don't even think about it. I do it. Then afterwards, I'm like, just Western Union, $350 to Texas, or just wherever she was. I don't even think about it. I do it.

Then afterwards, I'm like, wait a minute. I wore a rubber with that girl. She got me. And I was like, well, good acting. She got me. I'm going to have to just let it go. And what am I going to do? Like, okay.

And then my boy hits me up a month later. He goes, hey, this girl's drunk at the table bragging all loud about how she got you for 350 bucks and pretended she was pregnant. I'm like, this bitch now is going to get it. Yes. So I go to a club in L.A. Simon murdered a woman. Yeah, yeah. I see her at the club.

Black Dahlia. That was it. And by the way, when I call her bitch, it's justified at this point. Of course. She stole from you. Yeah. And lied to me. So I go to the bartender and i go what's your stickiest drink

and he goes stinkiest i go stickiest he pours me a hypnotic with some other syrupy drink and then he jerks off in it and i go up to her i just i see her and i go up to her and i tap her on the shoulder and she turns around and i pour the drink on her head in slow motion and it's just dripping down she's like and of course i look like the asshole to everybody who's in the place and security picks me up and carries me out and i get kicked out and i'm just like it was worth it yeah totally that is such a real house fuck someone over i threw a drink on her no poor clarissa poured slow motion it was so gratifying satisfying gratifying gratifying and i pour it on her head

and just to look, it was like Carrie. Yeah! It was sweet revenge. I love it. And it was almost worth it just for the pour. The 350 bucks. Hell yeah. And good acting on her part. I'm such a dweeb when you said stickiest. I thought that was like a slang for strong.

You actually wanted something sticky. That would screw in her night. I love it. So anyway, yeah, that was that happened. Well, she probably paid $3.50 for dry cleaning, so you got her there. Yeah, fuck her. I had a girl once Venmo request me. We hooked up, and she

flew to New York to hook up with me, and it didn't end well. Not like I was mean to her, but I just didn't end up dating someone else. Girls get mad when you don't date them. And she venmo request me for the flight nah and i was like pay i didn't even want to think about it i was like you're not taking up real estate in my mind well in all fairness my mom is jewish and she wanted um i fuck simon that's this uh yeah that's bold though the venmo request oh wow we could, wow. Could I... I got peeves.

Please! We love peeves. It feels like we're getting towards a venting time of... Lay off. Because I noticed on the show, you guys will get into peeves or wrecks early, and then you can get back out of it, right? Oh, yeah! We go wherever the pod takes us.

I love it, baby. We have the format just to have a couple things to always do. Yes. Okay. I'm drinking HIV here. I love it. You're wearing a Superman suit. Come on, let's go, baby. Let on let's go nuts okay here's one and if i've said this on the last one

uh okay um when you're talking to somebody and in the middle of you talking to them they get on their phone oh yeah but here's a rule if i'm already on my phone and i'm texting and you start talking to me you're in the wrong right because i'm already in this don't make me don't make me feel bad i'm in my phone you saw i was in my phone but if i'm mid-conversation and i'm talking to you about like my dad what were you saying that's it that's it it's like and then they and then and then after they're done not listening to you they don't they don't even come out of and go oh what were you saying yeah it's just lost and you just sit there and you're just like that that's really annoying um and i try to never do that so if i'm like at dinner and i

feel the phone vibrating and someone's talking to me you just gotta let it vibrate you don't pick it up self-defense versus you know yeah it's just phone etiquette my girl does it all the time where like i will be writing a text to someone and she'll start talking to me i'm just like you gotta let me finish. That's her fault. I'm not going to do it while you're talking. That's on her. You've got to set those rules.

It's a new peeve. It's a very logical peeve. Very logical. Because I was in the middle of something and you started talking. Now I have to give you attention. And if I don't, you're mad. But you interrupted me. You interrupted me and you're making it like you're always.

No, it's like, well, no, we're always all on our phone now. But that's not the point. It's that you saw me on my phone first you're a horrible person you can say i'm sorry can i just bother you you have to at least address you're in the wrong so with the ex-girlfriend of mine we had to have a talk about it we go here's the rules and we establish it and everything was fine so communication is key okay here's another here's one in la i don't see it out here too much. Same face girl. Every girl now has the same mathematical face. They have the same lips and they're 25 years old doing work on their face.

What are you doing? You're 25 and you all want to look like the same person. That's how I feel. That was literally angled right into my mouth. I bet he thought, do I go to the guest or he knows you better. Yeah, I know him better.

Mark and I are old friends. He's allowed to fart in my mouth. If I have one, I'm going to rip it. Rip it up. I got to pee. People farting in my mouth. Yeah, no, same face. Every girl is starting to have the same face.

And it used to be old ladies in Beverly Hills you'd see driving by in a Range Rover that want to look like Angelina Jolie. Sure. And they look like a cat. Yeah. But now it's girls in their 20s are all getting all this work done and it's been super normalized and it's okay. Yes.

No, it's not. I think that's for other women because us dudes don't like that. We hate it. And my wife is young and she gets it. I'm like, what are you doing? Is it just filler or Botox? It's Botox. Okay, so that's... Women get prevented with Botox, I think, as well. I'm like, what are you doing? Is it just filler or Botox? It's Botox.

Okay, so that's... Women get prevented with Botox, I think, as well. I guess that's lesser of the bad. Yeah. It's more when they actually get work done because I don't even notice Botox and I guess I don't notice anyone. Yeah, they're all the same.

You're right. They all have the same face and I swear it's almost like when dudes go to the gym too much. Yes. You're doing that for other dudes. Yes, exactly. That's not for women.

No. If you're just funny and skinny, you can get laid. You don't need to go to the gym. You're doing that for other dudes that's not for women no if you're just funny and skinny you can get laid you don't need to go to the gym you're doing that for other dudes it's quite homoerotic it is or like spinning rims when those were things like that for girls that's for another dude to be like you're cool great point what are you doing yeah you might be gay dude oh that's the new show we might be gay and that's okay that's okay but don't pretend you're doing it for women because really they don't give a fuck. And the type of woman who does give a fuck you don't want to be with anyway. Right.

You know what I mean? Right. Like, fuck your quads, bro. Yeah. I'm with you. There's too many of this. Like, any girl who's doing this all day. I'm out.

I'm out. It's also hilarious how women know their angle so much better than us. Like, Mark and I will have a female guest and we'll take a picture with her. And Mark and I both look in the picture and they're just a picture with her and Mark and I both look like in the picture and they're just like, their angle is like perfect. Yeah, they know what to do. They know what to do. They know to take a photo.

Well, I think a part of the problem is these Instagram filters have made the expectation so perfect. Like they could auto-tune their face. You know, these things that it's like, now the goal is perfection. It's like the golden ratio, whatever that number is of the universal beauty math.

There's like an actual mathematical equation. Can you pull it up? It's called the golden ratio. And I think it's like the Fibonacci sequence, which is the nature one. But this is more for women's face that around the world is agreed as what's beautiful for the standard. And it's the eye space. It's the nose to mouth ratio. It's the width.

And it's agreed by every culture is what that is. And they're all trying to get that face. But it's the nose to mouth ratio it's the width and it's agreed by every culture is what that is and they're all trying to get that face but it's not real so therefore i see right through you and you're not real and i don't like you interesting yeah you know what the craziest one is is uh a lot of asians are getting the eye surgery to open them up and you're like what are you doing they're doing that a lot and they're getting skin lightened they get their skin light they want to become more westernized and a lot of americans are skin lightened. They get their skin lightened. They want to become more westernized. A lot of Americans are getting their eyes closed to look more like

Clint Eastwood. Everyone's a loser. Wait, does Clint Eastwood have clothes? Is he like this? He's always squinting. I almost got my car bashed in by Clint Eastwood.

Yeah, I parked in his parking spot. He's got a Hollywood story for everything. I parked in his parking spot at the Warner Brothers lot in like 1999. I was like Felicity Days or something and I'll never forget his offices were right next to like where the friends we were shooting right next to friends and i remember i had a porsche and i was a cocky

young actor and i was making a lot of money and i was just stoned all day and i didn't care about anything and i was a dick and i remember i pull up into a spot and they come out they run out they go hey hey hey that's clint's parking spot if he comes back he will bash your car in with a baseball bat and i was kind of like i hope he does yeah just for the story like i want him to bash my car and how fucking cool would that be if dirty harry beat up my car right and i left it there for like 15 minutes and they were so pissed but i got out of there before he yeah yeah that was the yeah he that would have been a great camera lucky. You feel lucky, punk? Ooh, and then on the same lot, I played basketball with George Clooney. Jesus!

And I swatted him so clean, swatted him so clean. He went for a layup. That's got to feel good. And I muffed it, and he goes, foul. And everyone on the court goes, aww. And I go, really? He's like, you hit me. I'm like, I'm not going to argue with George Clooney, but wow.

That was all ball. Wow. It was so all ball. Was this E.R. George Clooney or was he already a I'm not going to argue with George Clooney. But wow. That was all ball. Wow. It was so all ball. Was this E.R. George Clooney? Yeah, E.R. George Clooney. E.R. George Clooney. Because it was like late 90s. Sexy.

But he knew he was on the fast track calling fouls like that. So find out later. Because I would play pickup with these guys. And it would be like some of the grips from a show. And some of the, you know. And Clooney would play. But I remember one day I'm playing out there. And I guess he was very contentious with him always calling fouls that weren't really fouls.

You hear the same thing about Obama. He called a lot of fouls. Is that right? Yeah. I think when you get super famous, you feel entitled to a foul call. I think you're right. And also I think like, yeah, everything else goes your way. Yes.

I would think you'd want to be humbled in the opposite way, but maybe not. But anyway, so this fucking grip or some one of the guys who wasn't an actor and he calls a foul uh um clooney calls a foul on this guy who's obviously like a blue collar tough guy who's working on one of the sets and clooney gets the dude in a headlock right and and he's like this and and everyone's like oh shit and immediately the guy reverses the headlock and gets cluny in one and is on top of him like this and everyone goes no no no no that's a 20 million dollar face don't do it and i remember seeing cluny's face just sticking out of the thing and this guy was gonna muffle him up and i was like oh shit and

the dude didn't punch him but he just had him clean and it was like a basketball hollywood fight almost happened and i was like a basketball Hollywood fight almost happened and I was like this is incredible that was a rough game and as he did it Matt Damon was walking out

with all his money I knew you were gonna no Clooney by the way Clooney should do this podcast I feel like he's a Casamigos guy he's a liquor guy

I feel like he's a comedy fan I heard him on Marin and he was cool as fuck he's a big comedy fan I'm putting it out in the universe. George Clooney, come on, we might be drunk. Come on, Clooney.

We're fans. We're big fans of your work. Yeah, and your wife. Yeah. And your work. Out of Sight's one of my favorite movies. Great movie. Out of Sight.

That's a great movie. He's awesome as a bank robber in that. Also, Elmore Leonard. Good director, too. Yeah, so to me. Elmore Leonard. Isn't there a movie about him coming out? Wait.

Is there? Really? He wrote all those cool books. Oh, never mind. I just read, too. Yeah. Elmore Leonard. Isn't there a movie about him coming out? Wait. Is there? Yeah. Really? He wrote all those cool books. Oh, never mind. I just read one of his books. I'm confused. There was the Detroit Bank Robbery one.

Yeah, that's a lot of his shit. He's great. He's a great writer. But, dude, also, what you said about stars calling shit, I know a guy who played in a pickup game with Kanye West. What? And apparently, he called goaltending. It's like, oh, dude, you can't jump.

And he's like, goaltending, that counts. And they're like, what? It's like calling three in the key. He's like, come on. Three in the key. Kanye calls goaltending. Wow. I do think Clooney should come on this pod, though.

That'd be great. We'd love to have you. The facts of life. I'm trying to think of a Kanye joke, because she ain't messing with a goaltender. Hey, I like it. I like it. He's back with Adidas.

You see that? Yeah, they forgave him. Oh, after the anti-Semitic rants? Yeah. He seemed really mild-mannered that he won't ever make another mistake. So I'm sure this will be a long-lasting partnership. Yeah, this is probably it. Well, I think with Hamas, he doesn't look as bad.

That's true. You know? Yeah. He's looking pretty good right now. I don't think he was doing us any favors, but yeah, there's bigger villains out there for sure. That Alex Jones thing. You know what's bad? What's Alex Jones thing?

Oh, he went on Alex Jones. Oh, yeah, I saw that. Defending Hitler. You know what's bad? When Alex Jones was like, you got to take it down. Yeah, he was like, you got to take it down. Pump the brakes, man. Oh, man.

Ah, Sandy Hook. Oh, wait. Can I? Bunch of actors. I hardly knew you. I started off as a... I want to do a bit. This bit never worked about Sandy Hook, but about how if you believe in crisis actors,

do you believe in crisis actor agents? Some guy like, she's incredible. She was in Sandy Hook. That's fucking great. She's possible for Pulse Nightclub. That's fucking great because i got a couple of friends who are really big conspiracy theorists and in the peak of covid when there was like people crying over a lost loved one i would they'd be like that's a crisis actor i'm like well i'm an

actor and i could tell like that's not that's real that's not a hired actor like to orchestrate that like there's no talking to those people but it's okay i have a lot of like magical thinking friends which is you know that's kind of what surfaced during COVID was a lot of people that believe in some other shit. You know, whatever, teach down. But that's actually a big peeve of mine is trying to, you know, like have a conversation with someone who believes in all of that. You know, they believe that crystals will heal them. And that's kind of fun, though, because you're like, just go. It's entertaining.

You know, you meet a flat earther. I'm like, please, please talk. That's a good attitude to have. It's like I wish, because you're like, just go. It's entertaining. You meet a flat earther. I'm like, please, please talk. That's a good attitude to have. It's like, I wish I could be entertained more. I don't know why it bothers me, but it does. Well, it's maddening because you're like, what are you, crazy? But you're also like, eh, let me listen. Oh, wait.

I think I got it. How about another piece? If crystals are healing, I want to see you with a guy with a gunshot wound. Yeah, exactly. Put a little crystal next to him. Let's see what happens. Some cancer, yeah. You guys probably can't relate to this one, but this is more of the rest of the country

might relate to this one because you guys are New Yorkers, but you do drive. You drive. Oh, yeah. So there's a thing when you're driving and you're supposed to keep a couple cars distance between you and the car in front of you in case they slam on the brakes. You got to give a couple, a little bit of breathing room. So I'll be in the fast lane and I got two car lengths in front of you in case they slam on the brakes you got to give a couple a little bit of breathing room so i'll be in the fast lane and i got two car lengths in front of me just to be a normal human and somebody zips in to fill in that spot and they're risking your life yes and they're filling in the space and that's kind of what

causes traffic like the accordion effect of like it all backs up and it's like if everyone just stayed in their fucking lane and didn't be an asshole we'd have less traffic and and and every time it happens i gotta try not to get mad but it's like dude you filled in my safety zone dude and you're fucking it's like not cool but it's in new york i don't think you guys get that one as much no no i'm with you on that the the too close to to pull in just the fill-in guy or the guy racing next to you and you're racing to a red light like yeah where are we going? Well, there's a comfort with the distance. That's what it is.

You fill it in. You ruin your whole comfort. We're talking about my life. It'd be like if a guy at a movie theater, you had the whole thing to yourself and a guy sat right next to you. You're like, what are you doing, man? That fucking happened to me, dude. No way.

It happens at bars, dude. People do it. Really? Yeah, at a bar they'll do it, too. What the fuck is that? They want to hang. There's two type of people. The people that are in the airplane that don't notice there's 72 people waiting and they're

slowly putting their bag away. And then there's me who's like, I don't want to be in your way. I got one crazy. I was in an airplane and it was me in the window, a lady, and the empty seat. We're taking off. The seat on the aisle is empty. I go, hey, look at this. Why don't you scoot it over?

And she was like, I'm good. I'm like, come on. on the aisle is empty. I go, hey, look at this. Why don't you scoot it over? And she was like, I'm good. I'm like, come on! Hit the aisle, bitch. She stayed middle. Stayed middle. I couldn't believe it. Oh my god, for a second I thought Mark went the other way that she was in the aisle and he's like, come closer. No, no. That's why it took me a second. Take the aisle. What are you, crazy?

She stayed in the middle for like, it was a fucking flight from Vegas. That's insane. This one must have been a peeve on the show before is when you a long time ahead reserve your aisle or your window and a couple gets on and they're like, excuse me, would you mind switching your seat so I could sit with my, it's like, bitch, you guys live together. Take a break for two hours. I'm not giving up my window seat so I could sleep. Fuck you.

And now I'm the asshole when I say no. No, no, no. Fuck you. If it's still an aisle, I go. That's the key. If it's still aisle, I could sleep. Fuck you. And now I'm the asshole when I say no. No, no, no. Fuck you. If it's still an aisle, I go aisle. That's the key. If it's still aisle, I'll give it to you. I will give you my aisle. Right.

But if you're trying to get me to go window for window, kiss my dick. No, no, no. That's my point. I say kiss my dick bitch to them. That's what I say. I say fuck you, kiss my dick. Well, one time this happened to me. It was like Miami.

Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you. No, no, no. I was going to say kiss my dick a few more times. It's very important. They got to get t-shirts. Some merch going. Well, so I met someone in the middle once.

This Miami couple. I was in Miami flying to LA. And this guy gets on with his wife and kid. And they're like, can we please sit? And I go, no. And they made some big stink about it. I go, how about this? Halfway through the flight, I'll give you the seat.

So I was nice. That's a compromise. That's a compromise. But in my mind, I'm like, don't you want to be with, do you really need to be next year? You guys live together. Take a fucking break. And just like. And no offense, but it's not my fault you didn't book the shit together.

Like, why is that on me? What am I, Expedia now? I got to change the flights? Expedia. But like, I had this with a lady. She goes, hey, I think they know I'm weak. They go right to me. And I'm just sitting there.

I got my sunglasses on. I'm hungover. I'm gay. And she's like, hey, what do you want? By the way, you sound like a very weak person right now. I'm weak. I'm weak. And she's like, hey, uh-oh.

No, it's hot. It's hot. OK. It's starting to get hot in here. It's very, what's the material? Holocaust-y. A little Mickey thinner. Made by Hitler.

What the fuck? Hugo Boss, I think he did the design. Was Hugo Boss the one who made it? Because they did dress good. They looked amazing. Pull that up. Yeah, the Nazi uniforms are evil as fuck. They look sharp.

Hugo Boss has a great cut. I won't wear it out of respect. Oh, really? No, because you know what? It's like- Yeah, I get it. But then would you drive a Volkswagen? I think it's different.

I think Hugo Boss was like the Nazi manufacturer. Right, right. Look, you could cut holes in what I'm saying a million ways. I'm just- Can we cut a hole in this? If I see it. It's also expensive. I'm like, I'm not going to drop a lot of money.

You know what? That's a peeve. These guys, and I might lose you I'm like, I'm not going to drop a lot of money. You know what? That's a peeve. These guys, and I might lose you guys on this, but these guys who buy like a $60 t-shirt, it'll be like a black solid t-shirt, 60 bucks. I'm like, I go to Hanes. For a black tee? Yeah.

I mean, for like TV or something. Sometimes it just fits better. I get it. I still don't get it. I'm like, you can't tell the difference between my Hanes and that Hugo. I get if it's like tattered or has a loose neck or something, maybe. But the straight up black tee for $60, I don't get it. Do we have any? I love this Nazi with free Wi-Fi, by the way.

How'd that work? Are these Neos? I guess not. All right. But yeah. What about Rex? Simon? I I gotta peeve please

literally every person weighing in on every issue on social media oh welcome to the internet the middle east the middle east

the middle east like literally the dumbest fucking people the dumbest people are like here's what you have to do and I'm like some bodybuilder

in Tampa figured it out? You're going to solve the crisis in the Middle East? Yeah, everybody. Yeah, we're going 100 years. Stick to giving me bench set tips, all right? Right. The what? Mia Khalifa weighed in.

And she lost her deal with Playboy. What a dumb bitch, though. I mean, truly, you know you're a bag of shit when Playboy's like, we can't show you pussy anymore. You're too big of a bag of shit when Playboy's like, we can't show you pussy anymore. You're too big of a piece of shit. Playboy's still around? I didn't even know. I thought it was over.

It's like a prestige thing. It's like you doing Fallon. Got it. Got it. I did show my tits on Fallon. Yeah, you did. I might have shown my tits. You're hot.

Yeah, you're getting halfway naked. It's like you're Clark Kent all of a sudden. Oh, yeah, burning in a car key. Yeah, that's really annoying is everybody it's like it's like can we all agree you said this once actually sam yeah could we all agree we don't know anything especially about the most complex thing complex experts are at a loss you don't need to have an answer for everything and just regurgitate something you saw on the internet and think that you know like just just be like i don't know and exactly and i'm not even saying like if you want it if you want to post like this really upsets me that's totally understandable you should be allowed to do that uh and if you want to say like this is fucked up on both sides here and we're you know mourning the

loss of people and terrorism is horrible but like the people that are just posting like here's what i think you're like well i don't want to know. But for some reason it's been upvoted. But it's just more, we're not solving this on Twitter is my point. Like if you're striving for. You're not changing anything and you're just singing from your soapbox. It's about you. You're making it the you show. You made the Middle East about you.

That's it. Oh, speaking of peeve, ah, here's one. Ooh, when a girl posts on their social media or whatever, them doing charitable work, like some white girl with 30 black kids in Africa smiling like, bitch, you're saving the world? Get the fuck out of here. And you only did it. You're fucking making it about you.

You only did it for the post. You don't care about these kids. It's all about you. You don't give a fuck about the kids. You even picked one where you look hot in the middle of a sea of children, you sick bitch. Yeah. Literally the second it's over, she's like of a sea of children. You sick bitch. Yeah. I mean,

literally the second it's over, she's like, all right, scatter. Yeah, that's it. Don't touch me. Ew.

Unbelievable. Yeah, they can't do it. Sort of tagging that, I've got one. Please. Celebrities pretend like they're down to earth.

Oh, I love that. Oh shit, is that me? When it's Paltrow and her Oscar is propping up her door. Oh,

how is that down to earth? She's pretending like I'm not impressed by her door. Oh, how is that down to earth? She's pretending like I'm not impressed by the door. Oh, I see, I see. It's just a doorstop to me. Yeah, we're still Shakespeare in Love anyway. It doesn't really count. Hey, get in here, Giorno. Hey, Liquid IV, folks.

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restrictions. Terms for and responsible gaming resources. Thank you guys. Nice. Jordan, get over here. You're sober, right? Hey, this is Jordan Jensen. Simon. You have a drink, right? Fellow comedian in New York.

We'll drink for you. I'll do mushrooms. What are you, super lesbian? What's the outfit here? I'm quail. Oh, Doug Funny. I'm queer, man. QAnon lady.

Do you remember? This dog is deceased. No. Basically. She's hanging in. It's right at the end. Don't you ever say that about little Winnie. Oh, my God.

She looks like John, the booker of stand-up New York. A little inside, but yeah, yeah. Simon's half naked because he's hot. It's very hot material. I'm actually embarrassed. I met you once, and I played myself in front of you really bad. Oh. What did you do?

I came up to give you your credit after a stand-up show I saw you do, and you're friends with Louie, right? Yeah. You were sitting with Louie, and i was just like i was just i hate myself and i come up to you and you're sitting there after a set you murdered and i just reached over and i thought that i should come give you your props and it was just like very unnecessary no no it was because i could tell like even you and louis were just like why is this guy coming i went to your little booth area it was was at the cellar downstairs, that little area, but the other cellar around the corner. Oh, at the VU.

And I had a couple drinks, and I think I was even on mushrooms. And I was like, I'm just going to go tell her. And that happened. And you said you did great. So I apologize. You don't remember this? No. Okay, see, I've been living with this.

How did it happen? There's nothing wrong with you saying good set. No. We love that. Did you force a fist bump? Yeah. Yeah, that was it. The too close. Did you force a fist bump? Yeah. Yeah, those are true. That was it.

Too close to the face one? Yeah, that happens. Well, hey. The forgetting Simon is terrible. Well, she'd never even remember. No, Norman, come on. Oh, jeez. I've been living with that every day for...

Well, no one noticed. Remember, they're not thinking about you, Simon. Is that... It's alcoholic. She doesn't drink. Virgin. I wish that somebody would... She doesn't drink. Virgin. I wish that somebody would.

Mushrooms but no booze. Yeah, mushrooms, acid. I mean, I can't do Molly because I'm on too many antidepressants. Oh, gotcha. Booze just, I don't know. Can you orgasm? No. That's what I hear.

You can't orgasm. Maybe that's the problem. What's the deal with these antidepressants you can't orgasm. I can't even. Well, maybe that's the problem. That's my Seinfeld. What's the deal with these antidepressants? The women aren't coming. Well, it's ironic because women are on antidepressants to make them chill enough to date, and then they can't come. Oh, well, they couldn't come anyway from my experience. The G-spot's a myth.

That mask is tight on you, huh? Oh, it's hurting. I am hurting. I broke mine. I luckily got his Incredibles mask. I'm going to take this off and turn Asian. My eyes are being pulled back. I did acid with my dad recently.

What? Who are you? I'm peeing one more time. I did acid with my fucking dad. Timothy Leary Jr.? This guy's pissed six times. I did acid with my father. That's a fake tit.

Watch out. It's soaked in booze on accident. Yeah, Mark, it was weird, man. Yeah, what was that like? It was weird. I would go shroom before acid with Papa. See, I used to be shroom before acid, but actually acid to me is cleaner. Shrooms get me more heady, and acid's cleaner.

You guys have a good relation? Working on it. Okay. That was part of the whole thing. Good for you. Yeah, it was heavy, though, man. It was the second time we've done it. My dad's like an old hippie, so it's nothing for him to do psychedelics.

But it was weird. It was weird. Of course. But I'd be worried you would get too honest. Like, I never wanted you. The abortion clinic was closed that day. Your mom's a whore. Exactly.

You know, it was wild. I'd love to do acid with my dad now that he's dead. That would be really good. That's really a good idea. Just looking at the coffin. Yeah. Staring at it. Hanging out.

That was always his thing. He was like, you can do acid, but you have to do it with me. And's really... Just looking at the coffin. Yeah. Staring at it. Hang out. That was always his thing. He was like, you can do acid, but you have to do it with me. And I was like, that's the scariest thing I could do. Whoa. Wait, did he really say that? Yeah, because he was a hippie, but he was worried I would jump off a building, which was very true. Where'd you grow up?

Ithaca. I was going to say upstate. It feels like an upstate hippie dad thing to me. And I did acid, tripped hard, and it was a near death. Really? I was on the front page of my newspaper come on what pull it up somebody walked by me and they went you're famous and it tripped me out and then i got home um type ithaca journal ithaca journal acid and my last name is spelled with an E. Oh, fucker. Just kidding. Jeez. Come on, Sally.

And then I saw it. You look like divorced Wolverine right now. This is pathetic. I got laid off from being Wolverine. I'm an IT guy now. Squinting at the computer. Okay. So what do we got here? Ithaca Gazette.

That's my dead dad. That's my dead dad. Oh, this is hurting. Obituaries. Yeah, I don't know how you pull it up, Jordan Jensen. Maybe, no? Ecuador? That's what it was for?

All right, so what happened? Okay. Well, I saw myself on the front page, and I thought that that meant that I was supposed to die that day. Oh, shut up. What the hell does that mean? I was like, today's the day I'm supposed to die. It's all a cyclical thing.

So then I locked myself in a room and went in and out of being like no i have to seize life and live to the fullest to no no you have to kill yourself immediately back and forth forever yeah and then i came out of it a new person and haven't done acid since oh hey there you go ithaca you gotta do acid what else is there to do there i'll do all the time i did them the other day same here gang fest and then i heard everyone's on psychedelics there huh oh yeah that's like a big druggy thing it It was a mess. One of the comics was so fucked up that she touched a black girl's hair. I saw that.

That was so... Oh, you were there for that. I was there. I was at a strip club. That was so funny. I tried to write a bit about it. You can touch everything there. It's full nude.

You can finger women. You can't touch the hair, though. That gets you kicked out. So funny. Damn. Who did she touch? It was Wine Shank, the poor thing, and I was trying to explain to her. Me and Kim Condon... No, but who did she touch, though? Ainschenk, the poor thing, and I was trying to explain to her. Me and Kim Condon.

No, but who did she touch, though? A friend of my friend. A lady at the club. Black lady. Yeah, and we were trying to explain it, and I was like, yeah, I just. And Weinschenk was like, but why? And she was asking, why is she mad? But I thought she was saying, why can't we touch a black girl's hair?

And I was like, ooh, no idea. That is way beyond my capability. We've got to sit down and talk about that one for a while. It's a long answer. Yeah, we don't want a bunch of white people to be breaking this one down. Who knows? I think it's fine. Sure.

Phoebe Robinson, get in here. I'm Jewish. Oh, you are? Cool. Mark? I'm atheist. Yeah, gay, trans. Yeah, the ambiguously gay dude.

Your dick is stuffed in there, huh? No, this is a sock. Nice. But I'm ambiguously gay, so I wanted a hog. Yeah. But I'll take it out. I feel disingenuous. Who were the two actors that were the two, who was it again?

Beatty. The ambiguously gay duo. Oh, it's Robert Smigel. It was Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert. Is that right? Yeah. Wait, why Smigel? Smigel wrote it.

Oh, I got to just do a thing with him. What did you do? Really? I got to do a Triumph the Insult Comedy Dog song live at Largo in LA. And I did a Sandler song that they had done 20 years ago. It was like a Sandler singing with the dog going back and forth. Oh, wow. And he was like, well, you do Sandler's part of the song.

And I got to sit down with him and rewrite it a little bit and perform it it live while triumph and me were riffing back and forth and it was like one of the fucking coolest things wow ever it was at a strip club comedy show that they do in la at largo that was anyway it was cool and i was just honored to work with hell yeah i mean it was just one of those things that go it's cool it's a 250 seater. Margo, fix that. That is just stressing me out. Sorry, it hurts. But yeah, that's so fun. Yeah, it was cool to work with Triumph. Triumph, he's a legend. Pull up Comic-Con with Triumph or the Star Wars line.

No, how about the Wiener Circle? What's that? Wiener Circle. When he's in Chicago at the- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all great. He's excellent. Smigel's a genius.

I mean, he is, yeah, he's excellent. I don't know who any of these people are. You know Smigel. No. What? The insult dog? Listen. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He wrote for SNL for a while. Didn't he go to jail? No. No, no. I don't think so. He's out there. I thought he was there

reporting on maybe January 6th or something and got put in jail for a minute. Different guy. Different guy. That's an... I know who you're talking about. The part where he touches her hair is brutal here. Is that Zach McBrayer or whatever? Jack McBrayer. Yeah, Jack McBrayer.

Jesus Christ. Oh my God, this is my dream. It's just a guy behind this hand, by the way. That's the beauty of it. He's just standing right there saying this shit. But the fact that they're mad at the puppet is the best part. Yes, yes. Thank you.

What is that there? Water, this suit is my kryptonite. I'm dying in here. It's so hot. There's something hot about the muscles sliding off, revealing the skinny man underneath. Yeah. You're in pretty good shape, though, Simon. I'm okay.

I saw you. I mean, ass naked in Red Rocket. You were running. I was like, you're in pretty good shape. I just do Jewish prison push-ups. That's all I do. There you go. Prison push-ups.

Not trying to get buff. Just want to be flexible and mean and lean and be able to run away from danger. Well, the Holocaust invented Bikram. All right. Okay. I don't think it helped anxiety quite as much. That's a good point. So you're into hot yoga now, man.

I go. My girl likes it, so I'll go. No, it's okay. I'll go once every two weeks. It's humbling. I don't stretch, so it's like an excuse for me to stretch. You got to stretch. It's humbling. I like. Do you so it's like an excuse for me to stretch. You gotta stretch. It's humbling.

I like... Do you ever do stuff like that or no? I just came from Pilates. Whoa! You came? I came from doing Pilates. Yes. I have come from an exercise machine once.

Which one? Which one? The elliptical? This is so weird. This is so weird. I could do it right now if we had one. Pull it up. Well, the Prozac.

You go like this. Pull it out. And you lift your legs up like that. Oh, yeah. On your stomach or your back? On your back? Like this. You're holding on.

Oh, and you just do your legs up? Dude, I have no idea. There's something about the blood pulling down. Huh. And it's crazy. I've done it like multiple times. We had one going up. Man, it's sad when you can't get your own wife off and she goes to fucking exercise class

and she's jizzing all over the floor. Yeah. A man can never say that. Like, I hit the Pilates machine and I came all over the floor. By the way, a man can never say that. Like, I hit the Pilates machine and I came all over the place. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm not announcing it. I'm not being announcing it. Really good class.

Thank you, Martha. I came, actually, three times. You're in a plan to fitness. Oh. No grunting. No grunting. They pull the lug bell. Oh, fuck.

What is it? The lug alarm? Lug bell, I think. Yeah, lug bell. Yeah. Is this really a silicone tit? Is that? It is.

Do you know who sent us this? Do you know who sent us these tits? I already had about 30 pieces. I'm going to be so fucked tonight. Do you know who sent us these titties? Who? Simon is Trey Parker from South Park's wife. Yeah, she does implants.

She likes the pot, I guess. Why does she have these? She's a doctor or a surgeon. Oh, okay. Oh, really? Yeah. What the fuck? Power couple.

Wow. I know. White power couple. That is a dream. That's the dream is to get Trey Parker and Matt Stone on. Oh, that'd be great. Okay, so yeah. Who's the dream?

Oh, shit. Speaking of dream guests. Yeah. Hey. Oh, it's Prince. It's a bad movie. Austin Powers is escaping a series of Me Too's. Oh, it's Prince. Austin Powers is escaping a series of Me Too's. Austin White Powers.

Ian, he doesn't move his legs like this. We went to the rent party. Can we get him a chair or something? Do I make you rent? Here, sit down. We're going to move the aborted baby here. Hold on. There we go. How the hell are you?

You know Simon? I'm good. Hello. Ian, baby here. Hold on. There we go. How the hell are you? You know Simon? I'm good. Hello. Ian, Ian, Simon, Simon, Ian. Good to see you both. Both funny guys. Yes, I'm very excited. Oh, this is exciting to have you here, buddy.

Good to see you. Thank you. I'm so happy. Thanks for doing it. You reek of velvet and cigarettes. Yes, I got changed here on the street. That is such a good costume. Did you bring that?

They bought it for me. I asked for it. You really put the man in the quail man. Who's quail man, by the way? Is that Quidditch? Doug.

Remember Doug? Skeeter? Patty Mayonnaise? I remember it, yeah. Doug Funney. I'm too old. I'm old to my generation who watched Doug.

Doug and the Rugrats were holding that network down for a while. Temple of Doom? No, not Temple of Doom. You're thinking of Hidden Temple. Legends of the Hidden Temple. Dude, the best part of that show is when they were trying to,

pull this up, Salakus, when they were competing in the end and a security guard would just grab them. Oh, yeah, right. Do you think once a guy was like, this is a great way to kidnap kids? I would love to go to have like a where are they now, the kids that were on the crack rock. Oh, yes. You know? That would be great.

You'd have to go to a lot of grave sites. It was a cool show. Or a bunch of Double Dare people. What are these Double Dare people? They're all addicted to fentanyl. It was educational, too. They do like real questions. You'd have to move up.

All right. Now we sound like pedophiles. Could I have another shot? Also, the kids were really attractive. Whatever that green monster was. Yeah, that was great. You know what? I'll do, Mark.

You do one more? I got a full IV or HIV. Wait, what's in that IV? Booze. I'm just drinking a little. Oh, no, I have some left. She relapsed. Already.

No, you didn't. No, I'd be sucking everybody's dick if I had. You know what I mean? Give her some booze. Bartender. Yes. How long have you been sober of alcohol? Since October two years. When did I get into the cellar?

Two years ago? Two years ago. Hey, look at your whole life turn around. Well, I had not been drinking for a long time, and then I got in, and I had a glass of wine. She's talking about the wine cellar. And there's no alcohol in this, right? And then I had a glass of wine to celebrate, and I didn't like it, so I kept you. Well, I had not been drinking for a long time, and then I got in, and I had a glass of wine. Oh! She's talking about the wine cellar. And there's no alcohol in this, right? And then I had a glass of wine to celebrate, and I didn't like it, so I kept going.

But that was the last time I drank. You feel better, right? I just don't like it. I get slutty. I get sleepy. My face gets red. I get puffy. Ah, yes.

And I always, like, yeah, I hang out with people. You end up doing shit you don't want to do, and you're like, why did I do that? Just because you're drinking? Yeah, that's true. What about, does marijuana do the opposite and keep you out of trouble or did it make you insecure and paranoid scary yeah yeah yeah yeah it could go either way my tongue off let me see should i bite my tongue off right now should i peel the flesh yeah isn't that weird but okay so you really are not left with much because no alcohol no weed occasional mushrooms mushrooms are the best i don't need anything

besides mushrooms oh yeah no you were fine i'm not me i don't do any of that you can't eat anything besides mushrooms. You didn't sell me on mushrooms. You loved me on mushrooms. No, you were fine. I'm not me. I don't do any of that. You can't do anything. I can't do mushrooms. But you're more of an addict. You're just drinking. What are you, a drinker? Sober. What are you drinking?

This is not alcohol. How long have you been sober? Eight years. Good for you, dude. No weed, no mushrooms, no nothing. I understand how fucking hard that is. I think I've gone three months is my max. Yeah.

Yeah. You are so strong. You can't even fit in that i know i'm busting out of the scene dude no it's a it's literally the hottest i'm true for me we've been here for four hours and i'm getting i'm overheating for four more what do you do are you in a relationship right now no what do you guys do on a first date as sober people good question i go i i don't drink uh we can get coffee or go for a walk. But I feel like sobriety is hot right now.

People are going sober. It's way more popular than ever. I guess. But still, I'm not going to hook up with a girl. I just fuck comics. What? Yeah. What'd you say? I don't go on dates.

I just hook up with comics who've seen my entire act and know everything about me. They know that approaching me sexually is terrifying. I'll hook up with a girl and then a couple, I go, I've been listening to your podcast. Dot, dot, dot, dot. That's the worst. But at least they know you. At least they're like, well, I've known every bad thing he's ever done and said. And I'm still willing to fuck him.

I've had fights with girls that I date over shit they've heard me say on podcast. I always wondered if that happened. You're fishing. Yeah. Right. I've never. And this is not a slight on any woman I always wondered if that happened. You're fishing. Yeah. I've never, and this is not a slight on any woman I've ever dated, I've never

I usually spend so much time with them that I've never been like you know what I need to do in my spare time? Spend more time with them. Yeah. That's crazy lady shit. I would never listen to a podcast of a woman I was fucking with. I always wonder when you guys talk and shit, I'm like are there girls listening on this? Am I peaking sometime? I hope not.

Yeah, I've gotten in trouble for a bunch of stuff. Oh, good. I got in trouble with Matt Richards recently. I got in trouble with a guy that I was dating because I said libertarian stuff. What, a guy got mad at you for that? Yeah. That's a deal breaker. She dates absolute pisses.

Oh, really? This guy's... Any guy was like, that's inappropriate. You're like, all right, we got to go. Well, the girls who do that are like, you didn't refer to me as your girlfriend you said that and i'm like you gonna kick rocks lady yeah also don't stop blowing me i'm trying to tell my wife that don't put stuff in their act because of it because of their well that's why i just stopped dating people because i was like look i'm having more fun now than ever that i don't have to be like

do they work but when i'm in a relationship, I do not talk about them personally. I very much keep that boundary up. But I like- Me neither, but the second we break up, I'm like, I'm going to bring this fucker down. Here's your size. I'm going to draw his penis in front of all of you. The second things goes out,

Jordan turns into a fucking oracle of just this person's life. She fucked over Trevor Bauer. I don't know if you heard about that. What is that? That's a silicone boobie. I outed Hasan Minhaj. Dude, I felt fake titties at Skank Fest. Those big fake titty girls, they let me grab them all over.

Their heart is a rock. Heart is a rock, dude. I don't love it. Yeah, it's not great. The first time is exciting. I remember I hooked up with a girl with big fake tits once, and I was like, the first time, you're like, this is incredible. But then you feel real tits again, and you're like, yeah, I'm going back to the organic.

That's how I feel about trans women. Now how do you feel? I need to go back to the organic. How do you feel with Joe DeRosa getting all this love? Good! And you're like, I've been doing this for years and then Norton's been doing it before all of you. You know what? Sorry about that.

No, hey, good for DeRosa. He's finally realizing he's cool. He's a friend of finance. I support it. There you go. More guys need to go to the other side. All right. At Skank Fest, he goes like this.

He's like, we're talking upstairs, and he's like, yeah, Joe DeRosa, you know, he got blown, or Sagalow's telling us, he got blown by this trans woman, da-da-da-da-da. And Ian goes, she would have blown me she would have blown me too and we were like no that's not really the direction we're not going in like

isn't he a lucky boy we're going isn't he might maybe a gay man well he loved it he's all in now does that mean you're gay or i mean i'm a novice no no it doesn't mean you're just drugs and sex and rock like what's the i've never been good vibe're gay. Is Skinfest just drugs and sex and rock? Like, what's the vibe? I've never been. Good vibe, fun vibe. Is it a lot of drugs and fucking? Is that what's going on? I look for the know. Not fucking. Is it Burning Man for comics?

What are we talking about? There's very little comedy happening. Really? It's a lot of podcasts. Oh, so it's more of a party? It's a party, yeah. It's a big party. It's basically everyone that pays for Lewis's network gets, like, their dream to come true

once a year. They all get to see us live. They get to meet Sam Talent. Whoa. Make a wish for people that are going to hang on for a few more years. Yeah, exactly. No, it's great. It's all these comedy fans go.

They get to see you do stand-up podcasts. You say hi. You say hello. It's really fun. You gamble. It's a party for all the comics. You gamble. It's in Vegas.

It's Comic-Con. Yeah, and we all get to hang out because we never really see each other all in the same place so it's it's really nice for everyone okay i've been hearing about it for years you don't have to censor you know sometimes you go in a green room you're like can i say retard around this lady probably not uh but skank fest is just full on go nuts there's no industry there so you don't have to like have conversations with people you don't give a shit how long until you think they'll go to that, though? Because it seems to be-

Emily was there. The Comedy Store Booker was there. But she's cool. She can hang. Britt and Lucy were there. They're cool. They're different. They're alcoholics and fun ladies.

I mean, there are strip clubs putting labia, 20s and labia. Yeah, we had a thing. They had each night was like someone hosted a party at the strip club. And to the second night- Oh, you ran the fucking show, man. hosted a party at the strip club. And to the second night. Oh, you ran the fucking show, man. This guy can run a strip club. It was impressive. I was watching from a distance, touching that black lady's hair.

It was an experiment. They gave us a bus, and I rallied the troops. I got us all on a bus. We went to this strip club. And I got to be like a mother hen of like ushering people over. I was giving people ones i was like have you had enough patrone okay good do you need some ones okay it was so fun it was impressive me the one dollar bills to give the strippers but i was on mushrooms so i would

hold it out to them and then they would flip their butts into my face and it freaked me out so much that then i would disappear hide behind the wall that is tj miller and the women thought that i was like grifting them. You're luring us. Well, first of all, Jordan goes, what do I do? I go, you throw it at him. So she overhand throws the dollar bill like she's in a fucking league of their own. I didn't want to be too close. And then a girl popped her ass over, and when she twerked,

her pussy fell out, and Jordan went, ah! And she just scurried away. Not gay. I'm not a big, Are you a strip club guy? No, I was thinking about that earlier. How I'm not because I forget

why I thought because it's very uncomfortable. I don't know where to look. Do you look them in the eyes? Do you look at their tits? Do you look at their butt? What do you do? Everything.

I know, but it's weird and the people... I just look at the dudes in there and it's sad. Sure. Well, I like going when it's a group of friends and I get to see them interact.

I'm not going to be like, I want that one. No. It's a goof. I just feel like I'm getting hustled. It's a goof. It's a fun thing. I don't want to pay to get a heart on. I get a heart on for free.

I can't get heart. So I was going up and going, may I give you a piece of currency, milady? No. No. I don't want that. They do not want that. Jordan saw one go, I don't want that. She threw it on the ground.

She was walking through like a duchess with these huge tits. And he goes, a currency for you. And she goes, I don't want this. He gives him his dollar back. It was a Best Buy gift card. Let's be honest. You're drying up strippers with your character work. I know.

She's like, fuck, the impromptu guys are here again. I go, I was like, banaca. And I started talking to my asshole like, is it true? Those strippers were aggressive, man. They were trying to make a buck and they were not taking no for an answer. I had a breakup once

and I went to a strip club solo in Minneapolis and I was so depressed. I was playing acne. That's sad. I was so sad. I was like, I don't know what else to do.

I'm alone. And I went and all the women that came up to me were like too young. I couldn't do anything. One of them was like, she must have been like 22

and I was like, I'm sorry, do you have anyone older? And she was like, like really and then another woman came up to me and she was like i guess like you know she's like she i'm the oldest one here i was like how old is she like 27 like i can't do this sounds like a great strip club what the hell are you talking about yeah really where's this location yeah oh no just a question yes um statement rather uh i went to a strip club in new orleans yeah i worked at mtv in the 90s Yeah. Oh, no, just a question. Yes, Simon. Statement, rather. I went to a strip club in New Orleans when I worked at MTV in the 90s, and this kid had never been to a strip club. He's really young. He's like, what do I do?

I'm like, give her a dollar. He put four quarters on the thing. Shut the fuck up. You can't bring the temple to that fucking strip club. Holy shit. There's a strip club in New Orleans. I'm not going to say which one. Hustler. strip club holy shit i there's a strip club in new orleans i'm gonna say which one hustler but they do a thing where if it's your 18th birthday they bring you on stage and if you get a boner

yes you get all the money or you get none of the money because people are throwing dollar bills on stage but if you don't get a boner you get all the money so my friend we went for my friend's 18th birthday basketball shorts atm It's like a gay man's ATM. Asked him out. That's that game that we used to play. What was it called? Spend a Dick? Where you would like slowly... Chicken.

No, you'd get closer and closer and closer until they would cut you off. What? Is this my last day? Gay chicken. Wait a minute. You go like this until you tell me to stop. Okay, well, I'm going to chicken myself. Yeah, thank you.

I was going to let you go for the bit. All right, so what happened? We have to follow your love. I was terrified. Like, thank God I have six pairs of underwear on. Mark, it's hard we lose all our subscribers. No, that game has a name. Chicken.

No, no. When you put your hand on someone's leg and go to touch their penis, they say chicken. You keep yelling the same thing at me. It's not going to make me change my mind no it's called chicken chicken you're not being able to see through your goggles what is it it's called chicken give it a go i don't know this game gay chicken yes chicken oh chicken or is that called a turkey it's called nervous remember it tells a little bit about like, what was it about chicken and fish?

That's what's healthy. I say we start serving penguin. Mattel's always got the best. He's got it. He's got it. The other night, Ari walked through the room at the cellar and Mattel goes,

Ari, you look like the landlord of a box. What a poetic way to say homeless. What the fuck am I smoking here? Sunset. Sunset? Have a little sunset. That's nice.

I'm okay. I'll take the real thing. This is all of us spreading COVID right now. Super spreader. Oh, my goodness. Oh, no. I want to guess. Whoa.

I talked to this guy. He's good. Really? He's good, yeah. I'm excited. I'm a mentalist. Yeah. Oh, goodness. Oh no. I want to guess. Whoa. I talked to this guy. He's good. Really? He's good, yeah. I'm excited. A mentalist? Yeah. Oh boy.

I'm good. Is he going to read our minds? I think. Yeah, what does a mentalist do? God, you want to see a real haunted house? Open that thing up. This will be the scariest episode you've ever recorded. She's got all the abortion ghosts inside of her.

I have to go. The ghost of babies in there. She's growing all the abortion ghosts inside of her. I have to go. The ghost of babies in there. She's growing on you, I see. Oh my God. Wait, whose dog?

Is that Gizmo? It's not Gizmo. Who is that? I just realized she's a hot dog. Who's Gizmo? Liz's dog. Oh, right, right, right.

Liz has an old ass pug too. Isn't it weird that they both have old ass pugs? They're surrounding your life. Maybe you have a, maybe the mentalist can tell you why.

That's a good point. Maybe your spirit animal is a decrepit, ancient, half-blind dog. They're just such fun dogs. I love, pugs' face are like comedy, man. Oh, yeah. It's like they have such comedic faces. A funny looking dog

with the tongue out, the one eye. Also, they get a mad rap. They're the same as French Bulldogs, pretty much, but now they're the hobo version. Yeah, but they're not supposed to exist. That's true. Because they're breathing. Neither are you, okay? They're like same as French Bulldogs pretty much, but now they're the hobo version. Yeah, but they're not supposed to exist. That's true. Because they're breathing.

Neither are you, okay? They're like Chinese emperor dogs, so they're supposed to be right by your side. Hey, how you doing, sir? How's the mentalist? How's the costume? It's so really terrible here. I showed up. Yes.

All right. Give the man a chair. How you doing, sir? Comedy. Are we doing this? Feels like a Kyle Dunnigan character. Come on, sit down. Thank you.

There we go. Get a mic on the mental. Oh, you got one. So Oz. Fellow AGT alum right here. Oh, I didn't go very far on it, though. You're too good for them. Oh, well, I don't know about that.

You were on AGT? The guy who beat me was actually an incredible mime. That guy, Tape Face. Tape Face, The guy who beat me was actually an incredible mime. That guy, Tape Face. Tape Face, yeah. He's incredible. He's incredible, yeah. He's got like a Vegas residency. People were like, you lost to a mime?

And I'm like, Tape Face. They're like, oh shit, he's good. Yeah, that's pretty strong. It's still bad for the poor woman who was abducted. She's like, I can't watch Tape Face. It brings me back to when the guy who fucking put me in a cellar for nine years. How far are you going at us? Was he talking during that and behind the scenes or what?

He talked to me. Oh, yeah. Good question. I don't know what they do to you, but they try to get you to talk shit about your fellow contestants. And I'm not going to do it. He's talking. They try to watch you and have cameras on you and have you talking shit behind the scenes

while you're watching them. Oh, really? And try and get a gotcha moment where your face is like, oh, that sucked. And I'm like, what'd you say? What is it? I don't quite know what a mentalist is. Please. Should we get in it?

Yeah. Let's get this going. I'm the lame one who can't drink. I got a gig right after this. I thought this was tomorrow. Hey, so do we. Superman. What's your name?

Simon. Simon. What's a mentalist, right? Whoa, here we go. Have you seen MTV in the 90s? Yeah, where the fuck have you been, Oz? This guy's royalty. What's that?

Nothing. Pick a number. One to a hundred 69 obviously for ian why are you showing me my name oh because that makes it oh sure that i'm not okay i'm ian okay i got it i got it i got it look at the struggle right here all right let's go here what's your name jordan so a magic trick is like i would do something right now right but there's no trick one question okay and if you're just listening to this i just wrote a number did you all see it i saw i didn't see it but i'll go with you i saw purple velour you're out you're good at what you do one to a hundred was there a reason you picked this number yeah see look at this i bet damn do you think he did a birthday this guy hasn't blinked in minutes i think he might have gone higher oh he's a nut sam crossing this off this guy's coming in hot i'm gonna go what's your name

koi's watching like a hawk that's cool don't tell him the number yet grab the marker let me see i didn't know there was a dog in here i wrote 12 geez she's right here it wasn't 12 was it is this the camera we're filming at? It's that one? Because I want to make sure I show it to the camera. Was it 12? I'm going to be so mad at myself. Tell me.

Tell Jordan. Tell Sam. What are you guys supposed to be, by the way? With the ambiguously gay duo from SNL? It's not that ambiguous. Okay, yeah. I'm kidding. What did you go with, Simon?

What about Austin Powerbottom? 49. Tell him what I wrote, please. You saw. Tell him what I wrote. I crossed out 12. I wrote down 49. Oh, man.

What'd you say? 49. Whoa! Is it because of the 49ers? And I'm 49 years old. That means we're winning the Super Bowl this year, and you got it. You are winning the Super Bowl. Oh, my God.

There you go. How'd you do that? I'm the NFL mentalist, bro. I've been on every team. Whoa, how'd you do that? How'd you do that? Have you guys not seen these clips? Guess her age, will you?

No age. She's 12. I don't get slapped. Come on. Hold on. Wait. Definitely not going to look like that at 49. This opens like that at a great joke from Sam I love the tweet where you go the guy made fun of you and you go is that fuck you with a duffel bag with your act in it uh yeah one in a hundred chance where's that dude how did you get I did a gig with I did a gig with a magician and he was kind of a dick and he goes oh are you gonna uh what would I say

to him you you know it more than me. What is it? I'm a fan. Uh, something where he goes, uh, you have some good jokes in there and you go, do you? Oh yeah. He goes, you're the one telling jokes. I said, I'm the one who didn't bring a duffel bag. That was my zing on him.

Which I did say to a magician, but you know. Hell yeah. How did you guess 49? Yeah. That's weird. You know how? Marlis. Mark.

I'm not going to tell. You don't know. Hold on to this. Hold on to this. I saw. Mark, here's what I want you to do. Think of someone. Don't think of your wife.

Too obvious. I never do. Yeah, baby. Shag it, darling. Maybe. Yeah. Think of someone, if you're having a birthday party, and somebody you invite. But you'd want them to be there.

Okay. So maybe not. I got it. No, you got it?'d want them to be there so okay maybe not i got it no uh you got it someone i want to be there who i know you know somebody you know great you got someone got it somebody that you know what if they were having a birthday they'd invite you i hope oh a different person different vibe okay okay all right all right i got it you know what jot this down go over there write this down i don down. I don't want anyone to see she's watching behind. This guy, Coy, hasn't blinked in minutes. I don't trust him. This is impressive.

Write down this person's name. I love how these guys are so chaos. Wait, do you know this person's birthday by any chance? Oh, that's a power move. Even if you know the month, don't tell me. Chaos, so you're concentrating on the whirlwind and then they do their little thing. And the month. Even if you know the month. Don't tell me. They create chaos so you're concentrating on the whirlwind

and then they do their little thing. I'm on to it. And the month and whatever day you think it is. I won't fact check you. If it's wrong, don't worry.

And I mean, this is a fucking group. This is going to be a big ep I think. I'm excited. Oh, what are we doing here now? Nope, there's no trick. I just want to get rid of Mark,

you know? He disappeared. Murdered Mark. Oh, no, no. You hired a murderist. You coming back, Mark? Sorry. All right. Now I'm going to stick with it. Oh, hold on.. You hired a murderist. You coming back, Mark? Sorry. All right.

Now, I'm a stickler. Oh, hold on. Fold it. Fold it. Fold it in half. Come on back. Yeah, baby. I'm a stickler.

Before you say anything, you didn't write the last name, did you? No. So even if you show them, they might not know who this is. Come on back. I'm good. How'd you know I didn't write the last name? Dude, what the fuck is happening with you, man? This is crazy. The N-word? That good. Dude, what the fuck is happening with you, man? This is crazy.

The N-word, that works. You know what? I'm glad we didn't invite Godfrey because I was nervous about that one. Oh, God. Jordan, since you're on to me, grab that note. Do you think she knows this person? Yes. Don't look. Don't look then. You definitely know him. Him. Her. I'm saying him. Her. It's Esty. What's your name?

Dan. Hold out your hand. Grab it. Take a little. Yeah, take it off. Make sure I'm damn hold out your hand grab it take a little yeah take it all make sure i'm not cheating let me grab this if this person had a birthday party would they invite you yeah i think so i think so too you know what you just thought of it watch his face october november december january february march april may june july look at that expression right there did you see that bam you know what you do when you think of who you're going to invite to your birthday? You got to go tit for tat. They invite me? The person you

just thought of, what month is he born in? Oh, good. April? April. That's what I thought. Wow. The mentalist. What the fuck is happening? I gave it away. I got no poker face. You know what? I think it's a friend of the podcast. I know who it is. It's Gary Veeder, isn't it? face. How'd you give it away? And you know what? I think it's a friend of the podcast. I know who it is.

It's Gary Veeder, isn't it? Wow. How the hell'd you do that? What? Open up the wall. I'm scared. I'm scared. Open up the wall.

If it's a photo of Gary, I'm kidding. Don't take my credit card. What the hell is she doing? She's a woman. Twist this around. Wait. No, no, no. Inside.

Zip. Okay. Open up. Oh, my Lord. If you got a picture of Gary in there, I'm calling the police. I don't want a picture of Gary. And there should be a card. And a zipper.

And read the note on the back to Mark. What the fuck? Wish Gary happy birthday for me. Oh, my God. Dude, what the fuck is this, man? All right. I don't know how he did that. What the fuck is that?

What kind of sorcery shit are you pulling, bro? You didn't write it down on anything? Do me. Am I or am I not a gay man? We can all answer that one. We don't need a mentalist for that. Does it even count if you're on Molly? I don't think it does.

Ian. Yes? Picture this. You got a cast and crew in this room. We got some bodega cat whiskey. By the way, everyone needs to go to that website. Hell yeah. This guy's killing it.

This is a bargain. Holy. Yes. This is a bargain. You got that right, buddy. I wanted the 200,000 scotch, but I decided I'll splurge. Is that a baby? Ian, forget about Mark.

Forget about Simon, who's still hurting based on the 49ers. I think they're going all the way, by the way. Yeah. Everyone thinks that right now. I think so, too. All right. I am impenetrable. Go.

Let's not go there. Not as asshole. Unless you give me some kind of whiskey. Let's say you could sit down and this and everyone i want them to know before you came out of that elevator did you know who i was what that was gonna happen ever met me in your life spoken word not a clue all right i thought you were a magician well i brought a steel case in yes if you could sit down have dinner hope is witness i want you to picture this visualize this yes ultimate celebrity dinner guest you and this person hanging out dead or

alive man woman anything hold on your dad is not a celebrity all right jesus i saw you go there i know you okay all right i'm gonna read this guy i said dead or alive ian's got a smile from ear to ear he's not going dead guys sam real's got dead guy vibes written all over him yeah enjoy it as a child i think it's a guy i think he's alive it was a woman you'd be more excited and you know what's crazy about this is that i've met this person not once but twice you have the guy be honest you did not tell anybody this you haven't written down nothing hold on hold on. Stay right there. And you made me look him up in the green room. Close your eyes.

Close your eyes. Look at this. If you pick this guy, I'm going to fucking lose my shit. Okay, okay. He came up earlier, actually. This is, I just put this up. I just met Ian. He just thought of somebody.

I pulled this up because I had this. Can you see that, Peters? Does that come clear? Oh, no, it is. Be for real. Who are you sitting down? Ian open your eyes your picture in it. What's his name? Who is he? Should I say it first? Open your eyes open your eyes

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! How did you get that, dude? Oh, we were talking about him earlier. How did you get that? Bring him out the way. I'm kidding. Ian just got hard.

Oh, hell. That's really fucked up. Wow. Oh, man. You didn't write it down? No. I see stars right now. Ian just starts beating the shit out of us with that cane.

It's like fucking witches. Oh, man. How did you fucking get that, dude? He's got a knife. It's serrated. It won't go deep. How did you fucking get that, dude? He's got a knife. It's serrated. It won't go deep. How did you know that? Oz, what the fuck?

Oh, no, we need the mic back. Oh, no, I broke your mic. I'm sorry. Wait, did you manipulate his past? Did you talk to him? Even Winnie's paying attention now. Look what you've done. I didn't touch him in any inappropriate ways.

How did you? The mentalist. You've got to tell us how you did one of those. I'll tell you everything. We get really drunk, and then tequila's my drink. But no, I'll drink right. Get him a drink. Get him a drink.

Wait, wait. Whatever you want. Here's what you do. We've got to move the mic down just a little bit. Did you win ATG? You should have. Third. Third.

Okay, well, we've got a anal trans day. Very high ranking for a Jew, though. Very high ranking. How'd you do? Hey, you're a mentalist. How's this Israel-Palestine thing going to turn out? Not good for that, man. Not good for either of them.

Not good for anyone. It's a mess, yeah. Do this. That's a list gets serious. But on another note, things are looking bad. Yeah. You're going to read his mind. Okay.

How about it? Okay. Okay, do this. Shake hands. It's getting weird. I don't know. Okay. How about it? Ooh. Okay. Okay, do this. Shake hands. Dude, that's getting weird. I don't know. Unreal. Freeze right there.

Freeze right there. Just until it gets awkward. Okay. Jordan, look this way. You're my witnesses. You are not going to guess what's in his head because I don't want to know. Okay. You're not going to guess a name, a number, a celebrity.

I've done it all. The Lolita Express. That was insane. It's going to be, watch this. If I reach over and I brush this across Sam's healthy head of hair oh yeah you're gonna feel something right there in your hair if i poke his knee you'll swear to god i poked your knee whatever he feels you feel like oh finally i'll come yeah for the love of god she. Somebody blow this man for me.

I call sex draw. Okay. You ready? Sex draw? No. Look this way. Oh. Jordan, close your eyes. Too much sex talking.

Can everybody see Jordan? Unfortunately. Jordan, don't peek. Did you just feel a poke on your right forearm? Yes. Did everyone see me do that? Yes. Tell them, Simon.

Ian still shook from Bill Murray. You poked mine, right? Did everyone see me do that? Yes. She him, Simon. Ian's still shook from Bill Murray. You poked mine, right? Did everyone see me do that? Yes. Yes. Show us on Jordan where they touched you. Her arms are closed.

Jordan, you're peeking? No. All right, I need to ask you a question. Her eyes are closed. I want you to tell everybody right now what happened, what I do to you.

You poked my right forearm. No, after that. You brushed the top of my nose. Oh, my God. You don't want to see me messing with you right now? Was that wind? Hold on, after that. You brushed the top of my nose. Oh, my God! What is he messing with me right now? Was that wind? Hold on, hold on. Hold on.

Do you feel that? You brushed my nose. Do circles. How the clock works. Sorry. Eyes, eyes. Jordan, tilt your head up. Look at her eyes.

She is not peeking. I want to know when. Do you have read receipts on your texts? No, I never touch them. Simon is sweating. Superman's about to rip that off. Jordan, no peeking. I want to know when. Do you have read receipts on your texts? No. God. I never touch them. Simon is sweating. Superman's about to rip that off. Jordan, no peeking. Okay. How about us? Right now. Suck me off real quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the name of magic.

Did you feel anything yet? No. How about right now? Anything? No. My theory is that the moment I do something to Sam, it goes through his hand. I don't know why he's wearing those gloves. It goes all the way over to her. Do me a favor, Jordan. Open your eyes. Open your eyes. Open your eyes. What did you just feel? Something right here.

Oh, my God. What the hell is going on here? What the fuck is happening? He brushed his nose and his chin. This is voodoo. No, no, no, no, no, no. Anyone can do that. Do it.

All right. Now we're going to do Rex. Rex is having a mental breakdown over here. Close your eyes. All right. Ready? Here. Okay.

So, yes. Jordan and Sam, hold hands. Okay. Sam, shut your eyes. Shut your eyes, Sam. Okay, so Simon's still upset. Okay, and whoa, Jewbeard over here, he's crazy. Okay, Ian's still thinking about Bill Murray. Mark's gay.

Okay, now, Jordan, here, here. I was on AGT. Here, now. Sam, I did not touch you. Your eyes are closed. What did you just feel on your face? Something in my ear. Yes, it was kind of close to the ear.

This is insane. That was kind of close to the ear. No, because what I was feeling wasn't a tingle. It was a direct paper on my face. I guessed. I did guess. Damn it. He guessed.

You don't have the powers. You're fucking good. The way it's done, when he reached over me, is it possible that this sleeve touched me? Because maybe he has a... No, no, no. He was far away

from my face. He was on it. He was on it. You could manipulate... Get your phone. You could... I don't know. Oh, here it is.

You could manipulate a witness who was like, where on the doll was I touched? Is it this thing? Is it this guy? Here's my phone. I just pointed at the doll. Bro, I'm so impressed. This is incredible.

Go to your contacts. It wasn't a tingle. It was a pointy itch. Did your glove work or no? A thousand percent. I thought he took the paper and went over my face. Contacts? We need to discuss at some point the guy, I don't want to say the name, who hired you, who's got kind of a fetish

for comedians and magicians and brought you over to New Jersey in the middle of the night because I've done that gig multiple times. Awful gig. Orthodox Jews. Amazing. I don't know what that is. Anyway, it was on his road again. Look through your people. Look through contacts. This is incredible. Contacts. What do you got?

Cosby. Was his body close to mine? Was he leaning over me? Yeah. Does he have a tail? Heavy padding. There is a tail. It's a nub. It's a tall tail. It's kind of hurtful to call it that. Do you ever tell anyone how you do these things? My wife knows a lot.

Oh. I'll marry you right now. I like that. That's it. So what do we got? I don't know. You know what? I don't want you looking through and being like, this guy's an asshole.

I haven't talked to her in a while. Just pick a random. No, no, no. Do this. Tip down. This is fucking nuts. Turn it downwards. Yeah.

Okay. This guy's flexing with the Amex Platinum right there. Whoa, black card. Start scrolling. Okay. No, no, no. Do this. Hold it for a mark. Look underneath. Damn, this thing's heavy. Is it scrolling? Yes. Don't linger and butt dial.

Can you guys see this, Simon? Make sure. Barely. Barely. This thing is scrolling. Here's what you do. You scroll. No, it went away. Block. Oh, start scrolling. No, no went away. Block. No, what? There's anything. Oh, start scrolling. No, no, he's got like a cover screen.

Look at it. Whenever you're done, say, I'm done. Easy there, G-Spot. Bring it close to your body, G. Right there. No, close to you. Right there. Let me ask you a question.

We give him a book right now. He opens it. Where do your eyes go when you open a book? Middle of the page, top, or bottom? I would probably go to the top. I don't i was looking at what do you know i go middle yeah everyone's on a book he's not a top top you're both oh i got that's another thing you're gonna call them

do this talk for 30 seconds see if it timed out look at the list see the name at the top wherever you landed i talked to him look at the name at the top. At the top? Wherever you landed. I talked to him. Look at the name at the top. That's what you want. Do you know this person? I don't. Better.

Even better. Lock your phone. You got people now you don't know? He's a popular guy. Okay. 100% didn't shift posture, nothing. It's a guy. Am I right?

It's a guy? It is. Yeah, it's a guy for sure. Ooh. Think of his first name. It's not an email address, is it? No. Oh, it's email.

It's a pain in the ass. It's a hotmail. This is crazy. I'm going to judge this person. Think of how many letters are in the first name. See how he nodded? Did you see that, Simon? I saw it.

It's too fast. He's a hotmail. It's too fast. If the name was Ian, you don't count. You know. If it's three or four letters, come on. Next time it's Mitchell, Alexander, you got to count. It's four letters, isn't it?

It is. Yeah. Oh, my Lord. I think Carter gets shit wrong. Gary Veeder again. come on next time it's mitchell alexander you gotta count it's four letters isn't it uh it is yeah oh my lord get wrong all right gary veder again hold on you freaked out when he did that that was super funny but he said he doesn't know him it's not gary it's not no but when you did that you got scared you looked over at him hold up be for real sam you took your phone out you scrolled anywhere i said pick any name you said i want top name bottom middle anywhere in there. You could have picked anybody.

You didn't write anything. You didn't whisper anything. Okay. What is this guy's first name? Greg. Greg. Oh! Fuck my ass!

One or a bunch? I mean, my brother's Greg, but other than that. It's not your brother, right? Greg Stone? Hold on. Gutfeld. Gutfeld. I know Gutfeld.

Greg, think of the last name. Think of the last name. Sounds like he's a member of the tribe, but it's questionable. Jewish? I can't tell by the name. Nobody's perfect. Jordan is so wet right now. I'm freaking out.

Like five years ago. I don't know this guy. It's going to click later. And you're like, how the hell do I know him? Who'd you pick? Your whole phone. What's his name? Greg Hodes.

No! You're freaking me out, man. You're freaking me out. This isn't fun anymore. I've worked really hard to get away from bad energy. I thought this was a comedy podcast. This is scaring me. You'd think you'd have a better suit.

I mean, after all that. Come on, man. Jesus. This is insanity. This is crazy. Dude, can you tell us how one of those works? No. I don't want to know. This whole gig? What are you you tell us how one of those works? No. I don't want to know.

That's a whole gig. What are you kidding? Is Simon disrobing as the show continues? Yeah, it's his day. I've seen a whole lot of collarbone all the time. One that I can't, I can understand a few of them, but yours I can't get. Yeah. Because you didn't write it down, did you?

No, he made me look at it, a picture of him earlier in that room. Did you hack into the Wi-Fi or something? Is there a wifi? I'm not even on wifi. I don't know. What does wifi even mean? Does anyone know? Wireless fidelity.

What does that mean? What he showed you a picture? I like it. That's good stuff. He made you? What do you mean? Did something happen back there? In the waiting room.

It was consensual at the time. He goes, Google yourself. Now Google. He was already Googling himself for the record. That was very, for the record Google yourself now Google one person dead or alive

you want to have dinner with and I did and he goes okay just keep that save that I'm like alright yeah I need the photo

so how man this is impressive I don't want to know I like it being a mystery I disagree this is me right now this is incredible

very well done sir impressive scary weird what a gig guys and girls is there something that you're born with

or is it a learned behavior I bought a book on Amazon Prime like six weeks ago no but truly is there something as a child you're like

I'm gonna tap into some dark magic no I did magic I mean this is like 13 I need to find a way to attract members of the opposite sex and I'm like card tricks are working really well right now.

Yeah, women like that. You ever work at the Magic Castle? No. It's not. That's that child's play? I like your pitching him ideas. Yeah, come with me, kid. I got to cruise.

I'm too much of a capitalist. That requires a big pay cut. So you're freelance? Yeah. Good. Good for you. Corporate kids. Corporate and TV.

Oh, you must clean up. And podcasts. A lot of podcasts. When do we get on Rogan? I have not gone on Rogan. Corporate kids. Corporate and TV. Oh, you must clean up. A lot of podcasts. When do we get on Rogan? I have not gotten on Rogan. Oh, we'll get you on there. You should be able to know this. I know.

Can you do Rogan stuff? Good point. I did Shane. Shane Gillis' podcast. They were shook up in Queens, man. Can you just hide something behind your back? Yo, dog. It's fucking gay.

Card tricks are gay. You're shaking dude's hand. As soon as I touched a chin, it was a cow. Can you do one more? Yeah, let's do it. Don't stop. Keep going. Let's fucking do it.

Close your eyes. He puts his balls in your chin. You're gay. Think of a letter. It's a T and it's a bag. Do Rex. Yeah, do Rex. Rex.

Yeah, let's do another one. Let's do another one. So listen, he thought, this is funny because every time i do this i write down a name collect names and i write down names of famous people that people either fascinated by or want to meet yes okay mostly alive you know because i don't know it's primarily here's what i want to see 50 cards ellen degeneres tom cruise beyonce justin bieber brad pitt is everyone here familiar to you science ryan gosling you just got aroused. Okay.

Sure. Jimmy Fallon, Oprah. Anyway, you're going to pick somebody. But I can't have you just look through and say, that's my favorite. Because now, what if I looked you up? What if I followed you on Instagram? It's too obvious. Okay.

I want it to be spontaneous. Okay. Kind of random. Here we go. You can see them all? And these are... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Reach in.

Reach in and just randomly grab one? Random, grab one, random. Okay. Random, random, are... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Reach in. Reach in and just randomly grab one? Random, grab one, random. Okay. Random, random. Random, random, random. Get one, get one, get one. Boom. Got one?

Hold on, hold on. One more, one more. Ian, you wanted the last one, so go. Hit it. Grab one. Go. Are we supposed to see these? Yes, yes, yes.

Okay. Cover my eyes so I don't see a thing. Cover my eyes. Oh my God! Don't say it. Show everybody. Show the cameras. Make sure I can't see.

Is it your dad's name? Both of us show name both of us show Saying this guy's name The other day Vegas and look at these cards you don't don't tell me later all the same men women all different black white gay Out my eyes good temperature well moisturized. I'm not know the gay part, but who else? This is crazy. Jordan, can I open my eyes? Good temperature, well-moisturized. I'm not putting Sam's hand on my face. All right. This is crazy.

Put it back. Get sneaky in there, Ian. Dude. Go. Both, both, both. But wait, you're going to shuffle. Put it in, put it in. She said, okay.

Easy, easy. Shuffle. Like, do like a shuffle or whatever. Relax, mentalist. Are we getting all this? Yeah. All right. Where'd the Orban go?

Who knows? Let me grab the cards. You should know where that is. Get rid of it. Alright, if your person walked in the room right now, would you recognize them instantly? Yeah. Huh.

It's a celebrity. I'd recognize them. Watch, watch. Look at the hand posturing. Like this. He likes the person. He's trying to pretend not to. Yeah. There's a little, it's mixed body language. He is mixed race. Definitely a guy well manicured. Definitely a guy. Well manicured.

Ryan Gosling. Oh my God. Ian, you said you wanted a tattoo, so how about this, gang? You want to end on a high note? What's this? Like card. Business card. Yeah.

Not that exciting. I give this to you. It goes in your junk drawer. You forget about me. No, no, no. No, no, no. You're going to remember this for a while. I'm going to ask you to do our podcast. Hold on. Let's finish the things before you a while. I'm going to ask you to do our podcast. Hold on.

Let's go finish the things before you start booking. Scissors. Here we go. I'm starting with hair. Oh, God. Oh, God. If you do what this guy looks like, this is crazy. This is crazy.

This is what I did. Oh, baby. Instead of studying at the University of Michigan. Oh, my God. This is appalling. You're in person. It's not smiling. First time the whole thing, Ian's not smiling.

You're a person serious. And you know what else? Earlier, you thought of Bill Murray, didn't you? Out of anyone, you thought of Bill Murray, alive and well. But right now, you're getting somber on me, my man. I think this is a guy. Am I right? Could have been a man or a woman.

A guy. Tell us all who is it that you're picturing at this very moment. You said you wanted a tattoo. I'll do you one better. What's his name? Say it. Elvis Presley. King!

Everybody say hello to Mr. Elvis! Oh! This is insanity. How the fuck is this possible? Holy shit! How is this possible? Wow! I've been talking about Elvis Presley so much lately.

The king! Dude, king! Simon looks just devastated. It's just, you know what it is? It's just weird and it's not fun anymore. Can I have this? I'm giving you this. Hold on.

I'm giving you a little something to take it home with. This is fucking... You must be good in bed. No, you don't. Spit it out. Spit it out. Jordan knows how you're doing it. She knows how you did it, you freak.

She knows it. He went like this with the cards and they all had a difference of names. Oh, okay. And then this stack right here had the same names, and he gave you one and you one. So explain this, idiot! Because he knew you were going to pull Elvis Presley! That's still impressive! Yes, really, it's still impressive.

Wow. That's fucking crazy. I mean... That's a good Elvis clip, too. Dude, that is wild. I have a print of Elvis framed above my television. Wow. This is crazy.

In a gold frame. And so does every 18-year-old mall goth. What are you talking about? Nobody has that. That's not that crazy. This guy is special. He's a mentalist. And he said it was a guy.

He doesn't see gender. So that's really impressive. Are you sober? No. So you could be intoxicated and do magic? Very much so. Great story.

Is it better magic drunk? Drunk magic? For me or for the audience? For you to be drunk, can you? Not as good, but I'll tell you one of the best stories ever

is I used to carry on tricks specifically for people that were either super high or tripping. And I was in Amsterdam pre, I was in Amsterdam pre everything being legal.

It's like 20 years ago. And a bulldog cafe, all these Americans were on shrooms. Best moment ever. There's a trick I do. It's more of a card trick than it is like a mentalist trick, where you hand somebody a card. They pick any card off a deck. They hold it in their hand. I say, whatever you do, don't blink.

And I snap. And the card goes from being regular size to mini. And this was like maybe the seventh trick I did for them. So they were already pretty shook. The dude on mushrooms literally looked at the car looked at me left the cafe they couldn't find him for three hours. I had to go on

it actually became kind of sad but it was still a great reaction. That's what my dick does around here. There's your mini. Don't worry

we find him. By the way Mark touched my dick earlier in this episode. That was very funny. Did Jordan feel it? Did Jordan feel it? I know.

Her clip went like this. Her cock flopped a bit. This is a banger. Shut up. How do you follow that? Where do we go from that? I don't know where to leave you at this point. I gotta disappear and go do a gig. Gotta make us cum or something.

You tour the world? Yeah. Primarily corporate events. Can you talk to the dead? I can. They don't talk back. This is cool, man. It's fun stuff. You seem upset. I am. I'm crisp perplexed. It just doesn't make sense. You came in a great mood.

I know. Now I'm just... Jordan, can I have your vape? Who's going to win the election? Which one? Coming up. The 2024. Trump? Okay. What are you going to do? There you go. That should honestly be his motto. What are you going to do? There you go. That should honestly be his motto. What are you going to do?

It's me. What are you going to do? Great material for Shane Gillis, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's double guys. Will the Phillies win the World Series? I'm not a beast. I love Bryce Harper.

Yes. I mean, I'm out because I'm a Yankees fan, but, man, he's fun. They're a fun team they're really the Phillies I was I was watching I just saw a clip

of DeSantis on Bill Maher and he goes how's the campaign going and he's like it's going well and he goes let's be honest

if it was going well you wouldn't be here that's a pretty funny moment great line great line wow yeah damn

DeSantis is so unnatural. He's not great live. He's not natural. You got to get his album. Any, like, what are the coolest, you say you do sports teams. What's the coolest sports team you've done? Do you watch Hard Knocks? Sure.

Yeah. Episode two, I did something with Aaron Rodgers. Did you see that thing? No. Are you the one that told him not to get the vaccine? Yeah. That was me. That was absolutely me. You got to watch it. I don't want to spoil it. Did you see that thing? Are you the one that told him not to get the vaccine? Yeah. That was me.

That was absolutely me. You've got to watch it. I don't want to spoil it. Should I tell you what happened? Yeah. Pull it up. He takes a deck of cards. I tell him, look at any card.

Think of it. I'm not doing it for you right here. So you're going to be like, do that to me right now. And he looks at any card and says, close the cards. Hold them in your hands tight. And then I. He just holds up. Is that an Achilles?

Yeah. It was a snapped Achilles it was a photo no too soon so literally I got about 100 text messages and tweets after being like did you fucking do this to him?

yeah and so I told the guy next to him here's a list of 50 animals that are never teams like giraffes zebras goldfish

like teams that know NFL pick one just open the list pick one I go what'd you pick? he goes a goldfish and then I go open your hands.

When Aaron opens his hand, there's the deck turned into an aquarium, like a little deck with a goldfish swimming around. Oh! Wow. I can't wait to see that. I'm so excited to see it. And then next week, I'm on the Michigan game, Michigan-Michigan State, college game day with college football fans.

Sure. Angels is coming up. Packers. I do watch stuff in the NFL. Wow. Why did you pull stuff off Ian's phone earlier? Because I would like to do that

with people I date. Oh, scary. She's like, this guy is just a friend of mine slash mentalist, but I'm going to need you here on second date. Yeah.

Still okay, second date. Skeleton's in the closet. If I promised you that I would not tell anyone. Oh, it's going to torture him. Will you tell me how you did that thing with the phone he can't do it it's his job this is like my larry david moment where larry david has the career enthusiasm where he's like the kid's like how'd you learn

this trick oh yeah that's a great magician told me he's like i'm a magician he's like no you're nice yeah have you ever met larry david he was dressed as superman that kid i haven't just as good in person just as good in person. Just as good in person. Yeah. I met him once. I was terrified. Is he tall? He's pretty tall.

He's 5'11". That's tall. I looked it up. You've met Larry David. I told it on the pod last time. He was complaining over $1 about a golf ball situation. Yeah, it went viral. Simon's buzz, dude.

Yeah. Your voice changed. I'm actually a little buzzed, but more just in fear and shock. Are you trying to figure out how he did the trick? Do you have a book anywhere in this room? A book. We don't like to read.

I don't think so. We're in shock there's a book somewhere. You look like Superman after a bender. I have to go to Mexico for a week he just saw through the wall i was laying fucking someone else he's like i'm done he looked like superman in hollywood land have you ever gotten fought because of this fought yeah has anybody been like i'll fight you

not really fought but i've had some weird moments because we're got a lot of mob restaurant mob back in the day and so they'd come out of jail and they'd have these like parties yeah where it's like a mob party where no one's invited yeah it's very shine box yeah you have this like look where somebody gives you a look and then you just realize you're just kidding but it got real serious we got mine comp and offerman i think dude you know what i think of is you know the scene where paulie Walnuts goes to the guy you can see as dad? The psychic?

The psychic? There's all kinds of bodies and he's like, where the fuck did you figure that out? He starts throwing the chairs. God bless Pauly Walnuts, man. Nick Offerman,

has he been on here? Yeah, he was on the most recent episode. Let's do it. So here, do this. You didn't know that?

Should have known. Should have known. Nick Offerman fucking rules. We love him. And he gave a bodega cat a nice plug, too. Let's do this. This is his face.

Is this good? Stop. Somebody stuck this note in here, so I don't even know. Uh-oh. What? Who wants in? Who wants to get Jordan in?

Yeah. Yeah, Jordan. Santa Claus, to be real. She's like, I'm going to figure this out, damn it. There is a way. I'm not Harry Potter. She's on antidepressants. Simon. Yeah. Let's like, I'm going to figure this out, damn it. There is a way. I'm not Harry Potter.

She's unantipresence. Simon, let's each of you get a book. Which one do you want? Of these two books? Well, they're not mine. Did I give you these? She's going to dissect this. Take a book.

These are my books. I will be giving you. Okay, here's the game plan. Here's the game plan. Okay. We're going to do this in two ways. Are there photos in the middle? Yes. All right, you know what? He's going to pick for you. Here's what I plan. Okay. We're going to do this in two ways. Are there photos in the middle? Yes.

All right. You know what? He's going to pick for you. Here's what I want you to do. Yell out, stop. Stop. Look at that page. Tell her what number it is.

Tell her right now? Out loud. 300. You want 300 or 301? 300 even. Good move. You go. 300 or 301?

300 or 301. Not enough pages? Not enough pages. Damn it. Simon, be a little more premature this time. Yell out, stop. Mentalist. You enough pages. Damn it. Simon, be a little more premature this time. Yell out stop. Mentalist. You're failing.

182. Okay. On a motherfucking cup. I assume it closes on the even, but hold it close to your face. That's 187. Shit. Sorry. He still got me. 182.

We got it. Stop me. Biden's age. Here we go. And I want you to look at the first word on the page. Whoa, we're not a steam here. Statistically, the first word might be the, and, if, he, the. Like three-letter words, two-letter words, boring.

Is it more than three letters? Yes. Okay. Oh, boy. Same deal. You pick any page. I don't want to number nothing. I'm going to stare Sam in the face.

No, George, stare at me. As I kind of riffle. Stop. Wait, I'll go slow. I'll go slow. Make sure I'm not looking at him. No. No, George, stare at me. As I kind of riffle, stop. Wait, I'll go slow. Make sure I'm not looking at him. No, stop being you. Okay, stop. Do you want me to stop? No, go again. Is that in the cellar? Good photo. Yes. Do me a favor. Look at the first word on the page up here. Yep. Do you see it? Yeah, I do. Is it more than two or three letters? Yes, it is. Close the book. Close it. Close it. All right. I just pictured this every night at your house with your wife

she's saying shut up and just eat my pussy all right it's false on so many fronts how many fingers are in you right now just hold up your pussy. All right. Oh, boy. It's a Mexican standoff. I almost want to get this wrong on purpose because it'll cheer Simon up. No, no. Keep fucking with him. Ready for this?

Yeah. Pick any letter. Mix up the letters in your word. Mix them up. And just grab one somewhere in the middle. Just grab that letter out. You got it? Yeah.

Look at me. H. You just think of an H? Oh, shit. You changed out. You got it? Yeah. Look at me. H. You just think of an H? Oh, man, you changed that. I know you so well. Thank you. Hard R. Think of your word.

It was a weird one, wasn't it? He liked it. You know why? When I said stop on this page, he goes, yeah, good. Like he was happy. Because if it was an easy word, he would have wanted a different page. You stopped anywhere, anywhere. Think of the first letter.

Think of the last letter. What did you just do? It's either J or G. Is it ending in a G? Interesting. It's a J. Yeah. J with a G. J with a G. Be honest, Jordan. No tricks on this one

because she wants to figure it out. What happened to J? He picked any book. He picked a page. Wait, you change your mind in the middle. What word did you pick? Weather. Weather. Oh! He controls it.

No! No, sir! And you know what I feel like doing? I feel like we need to just make it rain. Make it rain. And you know what they call it? Get him out of here. Legal tender.

Tendering. Is it tendering? Tendering? What kind of word is tendering? What the hell, man? Yeah! What kind of word is tendering? What the hell, man? Yeah! What kind of word is tendering?

What the fuck is happening? Wow, he grew up in the tenderloin. Fuck me tender. That's an Elvis. This is how conspiracies are born. You're not helping the Jews with the control of the weather thing, by the way. Holy. Oh, my God. What the fuck?

He got the answers to the full question. I thought he was writing down his words. This episode is off the rails. You got that right. It's too much. It's too much. How did he do that? How did you not open with that one?

Leave while you're ahead. Did you memorize every damn person? God damn it. All right. Even Winnie's enjoying this. Man. Dr. Oz, everybody. Look at him.

Holy shit. You got my vote. Yeah. You're not kidding. Thank you, sir. That was amazing. Thank you so much. Really killed it.

Incredible. I mean, unbelievable. What are we doing here? I think we're hugging it out, Simon. There you go. Take his wallet. Take his wallet. Awesome. You want any candy? Candy for we're hugging it out, Simon. There you go. Give me some love, baby. Take his wallet, take his wallet. Awesome.

You want any candy? Candy for the road? Yeah, hell yeah. Simon, let's do this. Let's do this. Pretty impressive. I don't know what's going on here. Simon, you're looking like a chick

that just gave up right now. Yeah, you got your high heels in your hands. It's Lex Luthor right now. Yeah, that's true. This is, I don't know if you know, this is packed with kryptonites. Oh my gosh, the kryptonites. Oh, my gosh. Kryptonites. Wow, the mentalist is also a sexual predator.

Is it possible for a non-Jew to be a mentalist, or is it only a Jewish community? There's not too many. Yeah, there's something inside of the water in Israel. I don't know what it is. Lies. Blood. Lies in Israel. Magicians.

Like David Blaine, David Copfield, Houdini. You don't have to talk to me about David. He's a Jew that's bringing on unnecessary suffering. We've got enough going on. There's no need to put yourself in a box. David Blaine.

I like this. We're back. Fuck you, David. Get the fuck out of here. Oz the Mentalist, everybody. Incredible. Ozzy Osbourne. How about David Copperfield?

All right. There you go. Thank you. Everybody check your pockets. All right. Holy hell. How the fuck did he do this? That guy should be way more famous. I've never heard of him. everybody check your pockets oh my god holy hell how the fuck did he do this that guy should be way more famous I've never heard of him he's doing very well

she's examining everything hands off to Matt Pierce he flapped you the book and then you said stop and he somehow managed to switch it to what he wanted and then that he knew the page number on mine I got it all figured out.

Either way, he was good at it. Really good. Either way, woman ruining magic for all the fellas right now. Come on. Magic, magic, magic, magic. Just another woman not letting the fellas have fun. Yeah, come on, Jordan. You're literally having a nervous breakdown.

You're literally about to throw yourself off a balcony. You're like, how did you know people like Elvis? How did you know? That was sad. I listened to him one time. I feel like Ian is like the perfect prey for a magician. I mean, that was totally, could have been like violent. You've been like, my grandmother's dead mother's cousin was violent.

How did you find that guy, Peters? No, I booked him. Oh, that was you? Wow, good job. Good job. Come on. You think I don't have this podcast's best interest at heart? We had DeRosa eight times.

We could have had him. DeRosa's dead weight. That was awesome. DeRosa's the mentalist. Oh, I'm fucking sad. I don't know. What's the point? So this is my first time trying Bodega Cat.

I remember you guys came up with the name. You guys were exploring names. And it became Bodega Cat. Yeah, we had Fat Cat, but that was tasty. Yeah, yeah, Bodega Cat. I'm going to try it for the first time. Ooh, baby. 12 years sober down the drain.

Smooth, tasty. It's got a hickory undertone. It's got a nice auburn cherry bite it's good flip it from Tyrannosaurus Rex baby

Jordan if we had a whiskey it'd be called rat juice ooh that's tempting yeah rat juice rat juice alright why fat cat

bodega cat bodega why do you want fat cat originally it was fat cat cause I think it sounded like high society And silly

And New York fat cats We were thinking of things That are like What makes you happy When you see it And no one's not happy To see a fat cat That's true

You went from fat cat To broke ass Well Tell me who doesn't love A bodega cat Yes Everyone loves bodega Sorry sorry sorry

I love cats No they pop in from behind Like a cereal box And you start petting one And you're like This is fucking This is the best It's New York baby everyone loves Bodega sorry sorry sorry I love cats no they pop in from behind like a cereal box and you start petting one and you're like this is fucking this is the best

it's New York baby so yeah Bodega Cat became the thing bodegacatwhiskey.com folks yeah baby and we should wrap this up quick plug MSG Theater

November 4th please come to that shit New York City baby is this plug time? plug time plug some shit guys and then I got I got

The Sweet East is in limited theaters December 1st. A really fun movie they did. And guys, I was offered a tequila sponsorship. Didn't do it. I was offered a vape sponsorship. Didn't do it. I chose to be better than you guys and go healthy with this. So I started

a men's skincare line called Mox. Okay? And it's basically just the same kind of shit that you use of your girlfriend or your wife's stuff all the time. It's face wash and a serum and it keeps your face

looking younger and healthier and it makes women more attracted to you or if you're gay, other men attracted to you. So it's blackface. Yeah, exactly. So I'm going to leave you guys

all with a box of my new company, Mocs Skincare. I'm trying to do something positive with my life. Well, you look incredible for 61. Thank you. Thank you very much. So anyway, yeah, this is my new company, Mox Skincare. I'm trying to do something positive with my life. You look incredible for 61. Thank you. Thank you very much.

So anyway, yeah, this is my new company that I am actually co-founder of, so it's not just like, oh, I'm working with them. I'm actually part owner. No, dude, you do look incredible. There it is, yeah. Mox. Yeah, baby.

No wife, no kids is really the secret. But anyway. What does Mox mean? Like Moxie. Oh, Moxie. Yeah, you know. I got it. And it's good stuff, so I got all you guys a boxy of moxie you can use it too it's bisexual hey so is she yeah all right we love you simon i love you guys thanks for having me on this was

a real whirlwind oh yeah is it. Is it whirlwind? Whirlwind? Whirlwind. Whirlwind. Whirlwind. What do you got? W-H-I-R-L. So you're whirling in the wind? Yes. Check out B&E with Jordan and Amanda. B&E with Jordan, our podcast.

I can't wait to come on this one. Yes. Oh, it's a wild time. It's crazy. New episodes every Wednesday. Patreon.com slash B&E and Pod. November 3rd, Amityville Music Hall. Come and see me in Long Island.

And guess what? I'm recording my first special December 3rd. Yeah, baby. Cutting room. Two shows. Eamfinance.com for tickets and all my dates. Thank you. Jordan filmed hers there, and it's fucking incredible.

Check her special out. It's great. Everyone watch Jordan's special on YouTube right now. Jordan's hilarious. Thanks. I love the fact that Louis put these out, and his are the lowest numbers. Yeah. It's great. Everyone watch Jordan's special on YouTube right now. Jordan's hilarious. Thanks. I love the fact that Lewis put these out and his are the lowest numbers. Yeah. That's fun.

It's hilarious. Yeah. Glad to get Lewis. Jordan's special's so good. Check her out. Check it out. Should I plug dates? Plug dates.

Yeah, plug anything. I'm coming to LA in October. I'm coming to Cincinnati, to Utah, to Burlington. I don't know when this comes out. Rochester, Syracuse, Albany I really wish I could fart right now on the mic so hard Rochester, Syracuse, Albany

is the triangle of sad I know, I know It's only one-nighters in each Well, go supporter Jordan's hilarious So is Ian Thank you so much I'll come in Australia

next month Oh, fuck I'll be in Australia all month Brisbane, Adelaide Melbourne, Sydney and then I'll be in Australia all month. Brisbane, Adelaide, Melbourne, Sydney, and then I'll be back at the end of the month. Tampa, Vegas at the win, motherfuckers. Let's go. And then Fort Myers, all that shit.

Buffalo. I'm back in clubs for a minute. The special's going to be in March at the Wilbur in Boston, but I'm coming a bunch of places before there, so come see me on the road. I hope you come out. Philly, Springfield Springfield Missouri all that bullshit

do you jack off in every hotel room you think? oh god yes it's something completely on all those cities when you're in a relationship you're like let me just get the poison out I remember I told a young comic he was drinking Sam's poison

I remember a young comic was like how do you not cheat on the road? And I was like, well, I just jack off before the show. And he was like, yo, that's fucking genius. I was like, I don't have a genius. I think it's just a thing you do. Yeah, yeah. Well, all right. MarkNormanComedy.com.

I'll jack off in your hotel. And The Beacon in January. Come on out. All right. Sell two shows and get some Bodega Cat. Come on out. All right. Sell two shows and get some Bodega Cat. Beer, too, anything? Yeah, baby, Bodega Cat.

This is good stuff. I'm not just saying that because I'm here. It's good stuff, guys. Thank you. I enjoy it. Hell yeah. Look at that.

All right. What's the Japanese word for after you come, to be clear? There's a word. I did, and I didn't think Oh, you've got to do it

on the mic. You're so stinky, son of a bitch. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. It went through the velvet. Will you wash your ass? I didn't do it on the microphone, you stinky son of a bitch. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. It went through the velvet. Will you wash your ass? I didn't do it.

I didn't fart. The metalist made me do it. That'll stick in your nose for a while. You're fucked. But it came out. All right. I shot out a little Milky Way there. Mark's going to give me pink eye one of these weeks.

Well, thanks for listening. Happy Halloween. We truly do love you guys for staying with us every week. He spelled it over there. What a special... And if you haven't seen also another shout out,

watch Simon and Red Rocket. Red Rocket. Which is incredible. He's incredible on it. Thanks, man. And check out all his stuff coming out. And he can't plug everything

because of the strike. Yeah, the strike. Oh, that's right. Good stuff happening. Good stuff out. And he can't plug everything because of the strike. Yeah, the strike. Oh, that's right. Good stuff happening. Good stuff happening. And subscribe to our YouTube and leave us a nice review, everyone. And we appreciate you guys. Have a happy Halloween.

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Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!! I've had a little too much bourb and Norman's talking shit about the fucking poke and I'm a little bit here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true