We Might Be Drunk - Ep 156: Tim Dillon

Episode Date: December 4, 2023

Tim Dillon stops in for a great episode. This one is great, such good chemisty with with the guys and special guest Winnie joining us on the couch for the episode. Tim Dillon: https://www.timdilloncomedy.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Mark Normand: https://marknormandcomedy.com/ Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod Bodega Cat: http://www.bodegacatspirits.com  We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ If you want to start a podcast contact [e-mail] for a discount on services when referred by WMBD! Get 50% off of Factor at https://www.factormeals.com/DRUNK50 and use code DRUNK50 Get 50% off of Factor at https://www.factormeals.com/DRUNK50 and use code DRUNK50

Let's open with that. That was good. No, no, don't open with that. That was perfect. You heard that, Rosebud? Yes. Thank you for having me. Thanks for doing it, man.

Good to have you. I love being here. I know you're a busy guy. Not really. No? Well, you work a lot, and then there's lots of hours of not working. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's what we all do, I think.

That's ideal. That's how I like it. I like to go hard and then just really veg out. Right. Get a Whataburger and a nice steak. That's right. You eat high end. We do.

We do well. We do decently well. We were at the stand last night. A lot of hospitality there. Oh, my God. The food. They put everything out for us. You know, my agent is also a man of size.

Justin. Yes. He got fatter. He's big. And then the owner of the stand was there. I remember we were all free agents at the same time. Yes. I remember that.

During COVID, we were all agentless. And I remember taking a walk with him. And he was not big then. No. COVID really brought out people's passions. Whether it's fentanyl or pizza. Right. I like dressing dogs.

Yeah, whatever you were into just during COVID, it really went nuclear. And I think he's having some success. Some guys get a nice suit and a car, and some guys get fatter. He's doing great. He's got a hot wife. Really? Yes. Wife's gorgeous. I don't believe it. Really? Yes. Wife's gorgeous.

I don't believe it. I believe it. I'm telling you. Pull her up. And he's doing good. His people are doing good. You know, and so I think he's a happy man. And Chris was very nice to send everything out.

I mean, he should have pizza after pizza. It was crazy. We were calling comics over. Just please. These open micers, they haven't pizza after pizza. It was crazy. We were hauling comics over. Just please. These open micers, they haven't eaten in weeks. It was like Auschwitz. They all left and were like, thank you. Thank you.

It was great. You know how many kids, or not kids, but younger comics text me like, that was amazing. Hanging out with you guys. It was nice. No, it was fun. That's what the festival's about, is people just hanging out. Remember they used It was nice. No, it was fun. That's what the festival's about, is people just hanging out.

Remember they used to do that big Caroline's party where they do the free food and everything? That was a big party. Oh, I lived for that. You want to talk about someone who looks great, by the way, is Caroline. She looks still... So hot.

Would you still fuck Caroline? Amazing. Guilf alert. Yeah. I saw her out east. It's got to be late 60s. She looks stunning. Stunning.

That's ridiculous. She looks great. Stunning. That's ridiculous. She looks great. Wow. Yeah, she's like a Sophia Lorenzo. She was at my show on Saturday and I was like, who is that hot chick? Whether they are women or men, they all look kind of like Patrick Milligan. Whether they're women or men, they just kind of mold into that eventually. It's their final form, right?

Yes. Their final form. They just get there. It might take a while. There's varying degrees. They just get there. It might take a while. There's varying degrees. But they get there eventually. And Caroline just looks like just a hot. Well, she was smart enough to close it.

Yeah. You know, she's like, I'm done with this shithole. And I'm done with that. What was that gay guy who had the little dog? Lou Ferrando. Yes. I thought you were setting me up here. Yeah, Lou Ferrando was a fucking class.

Literally would walk up to every with an earshot every comic you're the best comic in town kid yeah i'd see him walk up to joe mackie you kid you're number one every go up to a homeless guy outside you got the goods my friend it would just blow smoke but i i needed that energy at that time two years ago um we were thinking of doing the apollo theater by the way, in the height of like the George me. And it was like the worst idea. Like my agent called me and goes, how about this? He probably wanted to have chicken and waffle.

So he goes, how about this? We have the Apollo Theater on hold for the festival. I go, oh, man, this doesn't seem like a great idea. Right. Like it seems like the worst idea ever. It's like me in the Apollo Theater, I think in like 2021. Oh. It was just like, and I think Louis Veranda, to his credit, was like, we're not doing that.

He's like, we're not doing that at all. That's the real problem. He's doing the Iron Dome. It'd be the same thing. He's doing the Iron Dome. We're getting a lot of mileage out of that one. Have you done comedy in Israel? I was supposed to do it in April.

Oh, sorry. I'm still going. I got a good feeling. You'll still do it. It'll be good by April. Come on, you're in. It's winding down. It's coming down.

Yeah, you're fine. I just go by tweets, so I don't know what's happening on the ground. That's even worse. It's hard to sustain. You can't sustain. Remember Ukraine? Twitter? Oh, the war. In the even worse. It's hard to sustain. You can't sustain. Remember Ukraine? Twitter? Oh, the war.

Like in the beginning, you know, they're singing and SNL, there's folk songs and people are like, you can't. I mean, I really thought

Hillary doing Hallelujah, that was going to turn it. Oh, yeah. That was fucking brutal. I love Leonard Cohen. I'm like, this is how you honor him? I thought it was the last thing of that. And I thought I was totally okay with it. I'm like, oh, it's a him? I thought it was the last thing of that.

And I thought I was totally okay with it. I'm like, oh, it's a post-mortem. Okay. And then you woke up the next day and it was like more of it. Yeah. And they're like, no, it's Hallelujah forever. You're like, no, no, no. We have to.

I know. I thought what Pete did was fine. I was like, that's like a sincere moment. That's like a tough monologue that week. That was good. But it's hard. And he does have experience, you know, with the whole thing. He does.

It's a tough thing to go out there that week and go, hey. But remember the old SNL? Remember after 9-11 happened, Rudy Giuliani hosted? He was like, what did he say? Can we be funny? Or no, Lauren? Somebody came out. And he's like, why start now?

Rudy was funny. That was funny. But he used to dress in drag on SNL. Didn't he do a bit in drag, Rudy? Rudy? I'm almost positive. With Trump. Pull it up.

With Trump. I mean, this is how crazy the country's got now where, you know, that was funny back then. Everybody was laughing. Yeah. Yeah. And now it's all splintered, you know? Yeah. Very funny.

2003, Osama bin Laden hosted. That was hilarious. It was great. He was hilarious. It was great. He was good. He was a good host. He bombed. All right. That's a very different speech.

Very different monologue. But I mean, it's just a fun. Did I ever tell you that I went to like a summer camp with Rudy Giuliani's son when I was like. Oh, there you go. He tried to kill me. He tried to drown me. It was.

Really? Yeah. We were like kind of cool for like the first few minutes. And i think i called him fat or something i said something shitty sure and he and he held my head underwater he could like he was a strong fucking kid you look him up listen to me that's you're just explaining israel and palestine you were both in the wrong had a little size on you but everybody kind of learned their lesson right here the american government on his side yeah had a couple more billion I had these eyebrows

yeah for sure it was complicated but I believe Chris Farley played Andrew Giuliani yes he killed it really yes it's fucking hilarious Andrew Giuliani is a typical sociopath politician's son

if you see the eyes. There's eyes that you just can't... God, Farley was fucking amazing. Kevin Nealon, too. Unbelievable cast. It was amazing. It was a hot show. Remember, you looked forward to this. You ran home. A braver, better future. This guy's not you.

He looks like Andy Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's. I guess Andrew is joining me here. Today, let's not get into the side. I was the law and order candidate, but today I'm the people's mayor. When my grandfather came here with $20 in his pocket, he dreamed of life. I mean, it's one joke, and he's playing it perfectly. He's amazing.

Dude, when he does Newt Gingrich, he goes to the Congress and Farley does Newt Gingrich in front of Newt Gingrich and all. It's amazing. Yeah, I've never seen that. Yeah, he does Newt Gingrich in the Capitol Rotunda. It's crazy. And it's just like you have everybody there. Oh, I have seen this.

This is great. Yeah, it's amazing. It's just like. He just there i have seen this it's great yeah it's amazing it's just like he just oozes funny he can't just ooze his funny like whatever he does wherever he goes even even his movies that missed are still funny oh yeah almost heroes is a funny movie yeah beverly hills ninja yeah beverly look at this this is already funny. I'm dying. It's amazing. The white hair. It's so fat. It's great. Newt, Newt, Newt, Newt.

Imagine killing there. There. That's the hardest room in the world. There's no harder room. When we played the Dangerfield for Ronald Reagan bit. Oh. I mean, just annihilates. Annihilates.

And it's kind of amazing. It's amazing. What a hell gig. This is a huge turnout. My God, thank you. This is great. Look at Newt, front and center. I'm reading a few new books right now.

You might want to be here today. Got Daniel Steele's Chances. Great new book. And Jackie Collins, husband. Hollywood husband. Very interesting book. They're all standing. It's great. And of course, my new book. My jackie collins husband hollywood husband very interesting they're all standing it's great my new dinosaur book so uh see you could never do this now with biden they wouldn't let you do it which is what you said let us be funny c-spin and of course my friends at pbs also for those of you watching the uh net open your text i think he starts like passing

legislation yeah oh fun they have a great is a clip of a i don't care arty lang describing what it was like to roast donald trump and it's fucking arty lang it was on seth myers i think but he's just talking about he's like you know we're roasting him and and and we're talking about howard stern and and trump is is like, you were the best. You had the set of the night. And then Artie tells one of the jokes and he goes, he bombed. He was terrible. He bombed.

He wasn't funny. He just can't handle it at all. Yeah, now it would be tough to roast, like to get everybody together. Oh, yeah. And I guess the White House Correspondents Dinner is the closest thing. But like, you know, even then, that seems to be on eggshells more than it was. Oh, yeah. You got to play ball.

Like that was the Republican committee. Right. Your agent would go, don't, it's Republican, don't do it. Right, don't do it. But it's still a cool, funny thing. Oh, it's so cool, dude. But it's your country. I think it's, I mean, the way Norm used to do it, the way Colbert did it back in the day.

Yes, yes. cool but it's your country i think it's i mean the way norm used to do it the way colbert did it back yeah yeah i mean they it's it's cool to to find a you know a way to bring it together i don't know yeah funny that's what comedy is and that's when you see it in its purest form like that where it just it leaves a comedy club leaves a theater and it's just raw in the world right and you put it in the world like uso tours are amazing because you're like you're in front of like servicemen who are like desperate for entertainment they're out there they're they're some of their friends are dying it's like an amazing environment and you're bringing them entertainment you know and and everyone talks about how great those shows are everybody i've never done them but everyone goes goes like, they're amazing shows, everything like that. And it's amazing.

Anything political, no one ever says that. Like nobody's ever like, this is going to be great. This will be so much fun. It's at the Bethesda Country Club in Maryland. No, you're going to love it. No, you're going to love it. It's the teacher's union, and you are going to – it's never like that. Well, it's people who need comedy versus people who are inconvenienced by your presence. That's right

That's right I did a wounded warriors thing on a New Year's one year and it was the best New Year's gig I've ever done They can laugh at everything. Yeah, a tell is really like the master of those gigs because he just knows he's like nothing political Just dick jokes. Yeah, silly, you know Everybody laughs I bombed a hard at one of those and i was like this crowd's ungettable to the world way out in hampton's country club super rich they hated me vos went up after me and i was like good luck they're worthless he gets on the stool and he's like what's wrong with your face to some lady and it's murdering yeah and he just

keeps hammering them you look at you you got your money you're only blowing him because he's rich all this shit and it was gold and i was like all right yeah that was a lesson it's like when a street fighter just like knocks out a boxer yeah that's boss he's fucking he's just so good quinn called him the master of the counterpunch that's what he is you barbara bush looking cunt you know just spitting everywhere killing no it's i've seen him we did i opened for him he did an aa special which has still not been released which is amazing interesting and he did it in like the huntington melville marriott or in long island like the huntington hilton of course and he just murdered and it's just you know an aa group and they're in there and they're all sitting in chairs and it's like yeah and he just, again, murdering, going through the crowd,

like one by one, like boom, boom, boom. AA's a great crowd. AA, cops, firemen, all great crowds. And Voss has done those gigs for years. I remember when we did that Joker's Cruise. Remember that? Yes. After one of the shows, one of the gigs I was on,

it was with Voss and some lady walks up to me and she goes, you were our favorite. And Voss goes, oh yeah? Well, your other friends are prettier than you. I was like, oh, my. He was so fucking funny. We get stranded at the airport after the gig. It was like he had status with United or something. He gets on.

He's complaining for like 40 minutes straight. He gets on a flight in an hour. I'm there for seven hours. It was a horrible day. But some guy insults Voss. And Voss just turns to him and just goes, look at your fucking face. And just starts destroying this guy like a crowd gathered around. Wow.

I can only imagine what's going through a person's head. Voss is like biblical. It's like a guy who's always ready to unleash a prophecy in the direction of another person who's wronged him. He's always ready to just pivot and just start laying into somebody. And the best is at the airport, he even opened his suitcase and sold CDs. But it's also your Bonnie who's also amazing and quick and sharp. So those fights have to be like the most entertaining things you've ever seen. All those kids get a front row seat.

Right. I mean, until the hitting. Just barbs. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, those gigs. Those gigs, they're kind of over like have you done one of those in a while i'd like a like a rehab gig i have not i just lost out on i was supposed to do a fundraiser tonight for joe tory the yankees former oh wow and i lost out on it joe tory

messaged my fucking agent and was like i love his stuff i'd love to have him on the show i see my agent on saturday i'm like so what you didn't send me the details for this joe tory gig i can't wait and he goes you lost the gig i was like how he goes his wife hated you what an up and that's comedy that's crazy i know i lost i lost a fucking benefit gig i'm not even paid for this i was going there just to be like, I get to meet Joe Torre. But she's never met you. I know, but she saw some clip.

I just wanted to know the clip that upset her. I want to know, too. Any clip. Any clip. Probably. The one where you call women retards? Oh, yeah. That was a bummer.

But it was probably her. She probably watched it. And she probably was like, this is a good opportunity to exert my will yeah exactly you know exactly he's got his dumb yankees and all his shit that he does let me you know like show that i can flex i have power i hate the comedian i had the same thing i did a corporate gig in philly ballroom nice hotel they could put me out in a limo. They bought me a tuxedo. The whole thing.

Crazy money. I had to host the pharmaceutical awards. Oh. That was the whole gig. So I'm up there for like three hours with cards and like, give it up for fucking Zoloft. And it's a round table. So it's three hours. I memorized.

I had PowerPoints. It was music cues. It was music cues. It was a whole Oscars for pharmaceutical drugs. And I'm doing my first 15 minutes clean up front. I did one joke about vibrators. The lady comes up to me with the head thing and the clipboard, and she's like, you're out.

I'm like, what? She's like, the wife got mad. The CEO's wife got mad. I'm like, I came here to limo. We got two hours and 45 minutes to go. She's like, yeah, Bob's going to do it. I was like, all right. And they sent me home. Paid you?

I got paid. All right. But it was all because the wife got offended by a vibrator joke. It's always the wife. Yeah. Well, it's always like a tough, like I did a fundraiser in Long Island. It was a cancer thing. Like I had no idea what it was.

They booked me and they were honoring a a young girl who had passed away and they had a lot of music and they figured we'll get a comedian yeah and they were just doing it was this fundraiser that raises money for people with cancer and it wasn't like about specifically this girl but like her mother was there like why don't you say a few words and then she got up and she's like you know during whoever's battle you know this foundation was with us every moment everything like that and then literally five minutes later i was doing bits about frozen yogurt it was the it was like a nightmare was it just nightmare. You're in a nightmare. Yes. And you're looking at people.

And you're doing the clean set. I'm doing a clean set. You can still see the wet faces from the tears in the audience. And you're like, this is the worst. I did that one was a bad one. And then I did the Bethesda Country Club, which was actually okay. And I just called them all, you know, because they're all just military industrial complex, like defense contractors.

And I was just, I made fun of them. And they kind of rolled with it because they're all just military industrial complex like yeah yeah defense contractors and i was just i made fun of them and they kind of rolled with it because they're all morally compromised people sure that's why i like doing comedy in washington dc yeah i think cities with with tension are good new york has the tension it's the layouts the way we all live and then it's like i think boston has that class tension and race tension yeah and dc has that it's just morally compromised. And everybody there, Chicago. Those are like the best cities. Yeah.

I love those cities because they have like that pressure that's running under, that Ghostbusters 2 molten slime river that runs under the city. Yes. That you, like that's what I, you know. D.C. has the most of that. A lot of it. You ever hear the Jonathan Katz joke where he goes, I just did a benefit for the survivors or the benefit I did last week?

Oh, that's great. That's a great line. He has some great shit. He's funny. He's a funny writer. I hope he's all right. I think he's MS. I didn't mean to bring the room down with that one.

Well, we'll do a benefit for him. How old is he? I can't be that old. Although, he's in a lot of old David Mamet movies. Really? He co-wrote House of Games. What? MS can also be very mild.

Yeah. Hmm. Sounds like it. Well, it runs a spectrum. I see. Did you watch Dr. Katz growing up? Oh, yeah. He's 76.

Okay, he had a run. Hey. Yeah, he's doing all right. Was that the ice bucket, or was that something else? That's ALS. ALS. That's the worst ALS. Yeah.

Really? That's Lou Gehrig's. Yeah, because that's Lou Gehrig. That's like a five year it's over, and it's not good. It's like a. ALS. That's the worst ALS. Yeah. Really? That's Lou Gehrig's. Yeah, because that's Lou Gehrig. That's like a five year it's over and it's not good. It's like a tough. Right. But then the MS is more of a spectrum. That might have been the last time the country came together on something.

That was the last. And it was also showed you this, the dumbest activism ever. Like it was like, no, no, no, I'm doing this. Yeah. It's cold. Yeah. What do you want from me? I'm suffering. It's cold. I'm in my backyard. Yeah. And we're doing this and, you know. And it'm doing this. It's cold. What do you want from me? I'm suffering.

It's cold. I'm in my backyard and we're doing this. And it turns out it's good for you. Now Rogan does the- Oh, that's true. That's true. We were all just- That ice bath is hell.

I've tried it. I got into Rogan's. I got like a toe in. I'm like, fuck this. This is stupid. He loves it. And he's like, he braces himself and he gets in. He's like-

Yeah. I can't do a cold shower. That's like the last thing I look forward to in the day. I can't lose it. Supposedly the people that do the ice baths say that you are high. That's what I hear. You are like high. Look at the demonic face on the guy.

Yeah. I mean, he's. Look at his nips. Holy shit. That seems like it might be edited, but maybe not. I hope so. God almighty. But that's how you get out all the online hate.

People come at the guy so much. So much. You've got to do a bath. Yeah. It's like a baptism. You've got to cleanse yourself. It's hard. I mean, the internet is mean.

Sorry. You do. I do see you post the pictures of the good meals on the road is that like sometimes yeah we we um usually there's a place that we've now been or i've been multiple times so like i know the people there like now i you know like you go back to like sydney australia and you have like your spot or you go to auckland new zealand something crazy you know or whatever denver but like yeah now you have the spots where you like know the people and you're like your spot or you go to Auckland, New Zealand, something crazy, you know, or whatever, Denver. But like now you have the spots where you like know the people

and you're like, oh, this is good. Because in the beginning when you're in the road, you talk about this a lot. You're walking on the side of a street. Yeah. Cars whizzing. Maybe Ubers don't come and you're like, why am I going to get an Uber?

The Bob Evans, I can see it. Yes. So I just got to walk on the side of this highway like a heroin addict. Yeah. So that I can sit. People die that way. A lot of people. Oh, and they should.

That's also the way you should die. There's no way that you should live if that's the way you're living. That's how Bill Hicks went. I don't know if you knew that. Yeah. They said it was cancer. Yeah, I don't buy it. But it was, you They said it was cancer. Yeah, don't buy it. It was Route 98.

So now you can go to a nice restaurant. The road's different now because you can go to a nice restaurant. You can stay in a nicer hotel. You don't have to be – I mean, you know, we used to stay or I used to stay, and I'm sure you guys did too. And like, you know, whatever you could – extended stay. America or whatever was there. Residents in.

Yeah, they'd put you up. The bigger the hotel hotel the worse the hotel The bigger the room You're like well if it's got a fridge This is for a divorced man People are living When you see the U-Haul in the parking lot This is a fucking sad weekend

Well it's tough in San Antonio I remember I was doing the old improv Which was on the third or fourth floor Of the mall it was not lol it was the old river center i remember that improv and i i went in and i they were like he goes there's nine people we're not doing the show and i'm like all right damn nine's pretty good then he goes like this he goes i got great news i'm like i bet it's not great news he goes there's 13 and by the way the room sits 400 yeah there's 13 we're good to go

he goes i just spoke to everybody we can do it so we did it was fun it was fine but it's like after that you would walk from the san antonio mall you know under overpasses oh yeah back to this really shitty whatever it was residence in or something and you're you go and i'd been sober then probably like five six years i'm like this is the life of a junkie oh yeah that's what's funny about early comedy you're like oh this is exactly the life of a junkie i'm walking under an overpass to a shitty like motel that people are living in and hopefully don't kill myself yeah and hopefully don't kill myself and then bobby kelly's texting me what cinnamon bun I can get. He would text me. It was like the worst support system ever.

Bobby would call me. He's like, dude, go to Lulu's. They have a two-pound cinnamon bun. I go, oh, well, that's so good. That seems to make sense. Yeah, well, it's like another junkie calling a junkie. Like, I know the best spot. And then you eat alone.

When you're on the road, you eat alone. Oh, yeah. So you're just sitting there. Well, you can't bring someone at first. So when you start headlining, you're there solo. But it's fucked up but i look back i'm like that's when i got my best writing done because i had that it's true it's one of the hungriest and you need it and the feature can't come with you because he's 45 and has a day job right and he's like he's like do you mind if i sell these beer koozies i'm like no no no you do what you have to do yeah

you always hear stories about the guy not letting the person sell merch, and you're like, who the fuck? I don't get that. Let him sell whatever you want. I don't care. The worst was when you had to share a room with a guy. Yeah. You guys ever do that one?

Mike Racine, I found out he had sleep apnea, I think. That was fun. Saint Germain woke up once in a night terror. Oh, my God. And shook me, was shaking me, and I was like, what's going on? And he's like, oh. He goes, I'm sorry. I have a real darkness in me. It was like shaking me. And I was like, what's going on? And he's like, oh. He goes, I'm sorry. I have a real darkness in me.

I'm like, what? How do you follow it up with that? I'm like, this is the craziest. How did he get a guy from Nam's personality? Yeah, it's crazy. He went to Nam. Yeah. He is the wrestler.

He is. He's the wrestler, but he's a comedian. He's like Merle Haggard. Yeah, I did a gig. Remember True TV? Is that still around? I don't know. I don't know either.

That's not a good sign for the state of TV. The woman from True TV, Maureen, every year would go, she'd have these meetings with all of us, and she'd bring us in. I remember. Listen, I love all of you. She goes, I can't give you a show. I'm a huge fan of all of you. I think you're all great. She goes, I don't have the power here to do anything for you,

but I just want to tell you. I go, we just came an hour here. I know. Your studios are by Columbus Circle. We go all the way up. There was no reason for this. Come to New York Comedy Club or the stand or the cellar and go, oh, we can't do anything for you.

She was my manager for years. And Joe Liss and Gary Goldman. It was, yeah, a lot of three-hour meetings that didn't go anywhere. Yeah. But good person. I like her a lot. I do love her. I did one of those shows for TruTV, like How to Be a Grown-Up or whatever the fuck they

were. And they flew me out to LA. They put me in a, what do you call those hotels that you can live in? They call it like long stay? Extended stay. Extended stay. Extended stay. That's it. Those are the tough ones.

Yeah. It's a tough one. You hear dogs barking. That's the one by Co-Bananas. There was an extended stay in America in Blue Ash, Ohio. I remember that. So it was the worst hotel on the planet. You couldn't sleep.

It was dogs barking. There was a full zoo in there. And I talked to Bonnie, who was also on the show, and she goes, oh, yeah, I got them to move me. And I'm like, oh, I didn't know we could do that. Remember those days when you were so new you didn't want to push it? I was also so new to the road, I remember, that I didn't know how bad those hotels were. I was like, oh, this is cool.

I'm a young guy on the road. But I remember doing laughs in Kirkland, Washington, and I was in this crackhead motel to the point that a crackhead passed out. You open the window, and his head is against my window. I like that's fucking that's dark but i remember there being a pancake house next door so i was like it's great you know yeah i tell marina my great hotel marina franklin calls me she goes you stayed here exactly yeah she got she got moved obviously but uh but back then you like that's not yeah it was nice i think if you're a woman there might be more you might have more of a thing like hey i don't don't feel safe. Of course. Yes. I can't call up and go, hi, I feel vulnerable.

I feel vulnerable right now. Someone else called when they saw you. Yeah, right, right, right. They were like, we got a real problem here. The meth heads are like, let's clear out, boys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, no, it's fun, though. But those early times are, I think, some of the most pure fun that you have. Yes. When you're with a bunch of comics, you take a road trip. I remember Jared Freed took me early on. He did a gig in, where did Jared Freed? He had like a standing gig at like, was it Foxwoods? I think so.

I think it was Foxwoods. It might have been Foxwoods. It was just a road trip with comics and you just got to go perform and then we'd come home yes it was just fun you're in a car you're joking around well you know what it's like the it's like Katrina Katrina's obviously horrible devastating but we had fun right we're running around we're setting fireworks we're looting we're shooting guns yes so it's it's yes deadly horrifying, but it's also freeing in a way. But then for some people, the problem is, I guess, Katrina doesn't end. Yes.

There's still some people now with fireworks going, let's go. And you're going, oh, I have a family. And that's what's hard. Exactly. I remember that Foxwoods gig. The owner was one of the, remember that older guy who owned it? Oh, yeah. He was the type of drunk that would always start crying.

But now he went to Mohegan Sun. Oh, good. And they took me out. And I crying. But now he went to Mohegan Sun. Oh, good. And they took me out. And I actually like those guys. They took me out for lobster rolls. We ate lobster rolls. But yeah, they get emotional. Yeah.

He would always start. And I'd be like, I'm not comfortable with that. But he would just be like, I'm so happy you're back. I'm like, why is this a crime? Yeah. I don't know your last name. I kind of like it a little. I like it a little.

Let me tell you right now. When a grown man starts crying, there's something I go, you realize the gravity of this moment. Yeah. I go, I'm glad because, you know, I'm eating a lobster roll and he does get wistful. Oh, yeah. You know? And he got wistful and I go, this is insane. Yeah.

And uncomfortable. It's like, Tammy Pescatelli. She doesn't call me anymore. Wistful in a casino is never good, though. No But it's like Timmy Pescatelli. She doesn't call me anymore. Whistle in a casino is never good. No, it's not. No. And that green room, they were just stocking like it was like it was hell.

I hated that gig. That was a tough gig because everybody loses money. Then they come to your show and they hate you. You, me and Chris DiStefano did it a long time ago. We had this writer following us, this guy, Scott Robb, who's a great writer. He wrote a bunch of, guy from Cleveland, very, very bright guy. And he was in the green room.

He was like, they treat you like, like the way they talk to us. He was like, this is crazy. I always think if my parents could see this, they'd be like, come on. What are you doing? But now it's great.

Now it's fine. Now it's good. You get there. You graduate. It takes a while. But you're all connected through a struggle, which is kind of interesting. Yeah, it's boot camp, baby.

I call it Mein Kampf. People in Gaza listening to this going, oh, really? It's like a war, really. You play a strip ball? I'm in the strip. I'm in the strip. People are like, really? A struggle?

Mom? Okay. Right, right. It was fun. It was fun, honestly. The hardest things are the funnest. It was was fun. It was fun, honestly. The hardest things are the funnest. It was so fun. Living, I lived in a five-story walk-up on the fifth floor. I had a shower in my kitchen.

I know who you lived with. I know who I lived with, and that was, I mean, oof. Oh, yeah, Cosby. And it was Cosby. But it was just fun. It was always fun. You got to go on the roof roof and you'd smoke a cigarette do you smoke no but i would back then i did because like you now i can't you get in the

mid-30s you gotta go no right now i'm in the late 30s now but it's like eventually you have to say no but like when you're 25 there's no reason not to have a cigarette anyone listening is 25 yeah there's just no reason not to especially when you're on a roof and you want to talk shit about who got you a foul. Exactly. There's nothing better. You light up a cigarette. You're like, God damn it. Yeah, and the nicotine's kicking in.

Yeah, you're like, I've been pounding the pavement three years. What does that person have? Right. Well, we all were talking about how rough the beginning was. Do you think you can bypass that now with the TikToks and the reels and all of the podcasts? Kathy Griffin had a great line years and years ago and she said she said this is trump no she um she said uh you pay your dues now or later say it again you pay your dues now or later so what's interesting is like that's

great i i do think there's gonna be a time every career, even if it is a rocket ship. Right. Where you're going to level off or something. Interesting. I do think eventually you do. You can't avoid it forever. Right. You might not have to go to do what we did.

But again, we're admitting what we did. It's fun. Yeah. Sure. The dues some people have to pay aren't fun imagine because here's the deal some people are going to get really successful early on and make a lot of money and then for whatever reason things really cool off and people don't care i would wager that's harder yeah it's actually harder when you're not young and broke and you have that camaraderie and

you're like fucking like you have that energy of like we're all doing it and everything like that. But when you just get to a certain point and, you know, because some of that's isolating, right? Some of the like succeeding and all that stuff can be isolating. And then having to pay those dues or figure something out might be harder. You might not be equipped. I mean, when you're younger, it's like you're building towards it. But if it just hits you at like in your in your 40s, it is weirder. Right.

And everybody kind of turns on you when you pop quick and don't have to do all the do's. But I think that's just instinct. I don't like it either. And you got to fight it as a comedian. You got to fight it. Because sometimes someone will pop and you're like, I'm just being a contrarian. Because everyone is obsessed. And they'll be like, this is the greatest.

And you have to be like, it's fine. It's's fine it's not yeah the greatest it's not bad either it's yeah i think that people are invested in like a certain thing whereas like a certain sequence of events of people that have paid their dues but again it's like there's things people are doing that we're not seeing that's the other thing right really they're you know sorry yeah but like yeah that's part of it right it's like you know it's like who knows people do things and that we just don't know them you know yeah yeah like if some guy's a magician for five years and then becomes a comedian does really well at it for two or three it's like the guy was a was you know what i mean i'm not no i don't know if that's ever happened everyone's you don't know i mean it's i think people if you

don't know a person it's harder but if you know that they're fucking hustling there's a documentary called magic camp i say that to say this i always have an agenda when i say something there's documentary called magic camp and it's about these kids who want to be magicians and it's so sad because like the yeah here it is and i saw it years ago and they're all trying to be magicians and it's so sad because like the yeah here it is and i saw it years ago and they're all trying to be magicians and succeeding as a magician there's like two guys that have residencies in vegas exactly and then everybody else their success is like i drive a ford winstar yeah to a birthday party i get out in the back i do the thing people are happy we are lucky in the sense that we are in a thing that when it can be good like when you are a magician it really cannot be good

and there's three there's three guys yeah there's like three it's like david copperfield lance burton david blaine and david blaine it's all dav Davids. And Chris Angel maybe. Oh, yeah. Penn and Teller. But they're kind of comedy too. Penn and Teller do it. That's fine. But we're talking in history now. Yes, yes.

So it's like imagine if your passion, there was no root. Here there's a root. There's a root. And there's a lot of us. And there's a lot of people doing great. There's a middle class in entertainment. There's a middle class. Yeah, people are like so i was looking at like i'm lucky that i didn't want to do something that was so even

actors when you're just an actor oh that's tough you're just an actor and you have no you can't do anything you can't do anything else then you just have to wait for somebody to go you got the part that would that would kill me that would kill me the waiting and uh but i i do think when we started stand up like i would watch the half hours on comedy central and be like that's what i didn't know yeah that a lot of those guys were struggling to fill rooms on weekends oh yeah oh yeah but like i just watched it like that's fucking awesome yeah sag after strike has just ended yeah which means the very demoralizing process of me sitting in a room with like Sean Donnelly and they go, all right, come in.

And you just sit there and they go, now remember you have your nightstick in your hand. And cause every role is like, you know, cop or like, you know, gambling addict who sees his daughter. Yeah. Once a month. Alcoholic dad. Police supervision. Right.

You know, ferry worker. worker right who's poetic yeah smart fairy work right but but it's just it's like one of those things where you go thank god and i like acting i think it's fun to do but you're in the eli roth movie i'm in the thanksgiving movie that comes out which is cool they cut my head off and i'm in another thing i can't talk about that you know a little bit about. But maybe they edited me out. I don't know. They might edit me out. That's why I never told anyone.

I'm not telling them now. It sounds like I am, but I'm not. But the thing is, just being on set with those things, it's like actors are, you know, they're just interesting in the sense that like they don't have any power over what they do. No. They don't have any power over what they do. No. They have to wait until somebody says, we can be proactive in 10 different ways.

100%. And they can write something and act in it or direct it, but you still need the money. You got to produce it. You got to fund it. It's a ton of work. Also, just meetings, dude. You realize I'm working with a guy now who's like, man, don't respond to emails and i'm like yeah yeah it's like it's like well mine does if it's from the capital grill so what i do is i always put that in the header i think it was a more general thing i mean look i like who i'm with but it's i think it's more of a general thing he's

like he's like dude managers don't do shit and i I'm like, yeah, we know that. But it's one of those things. Managers are fun guys. Yeah. That's their thing. They're just a fun guy. They drink with you. They get the tab. They're a fun guy.

They get a lunch. Because I have one. I hired one. It's weird. You go so long without one. You go, I'm going to get one again. You have one again? I have.

I just hired another. Wow. Who's great. He's arguably the biggest, I guess, comedy manager. And he's good. He's really good. But it's just at what they do. Which is what it is. They're just like... They butter you up.

They buy you two Bud Lights and take a cut of your whole theater tour. They just go, you're fucking funny, man. They go, you know, I laugh, man. They go, I don't laugh a lot. But when you... I laugh and I like it, man. You're giving them 10 10 to be a good hang then they go like

this they go why aren't you in white lotus i'm like i don't know there's 30 reasons why aren't you in white lotus i go i don't really know he goes i think that's what you should be by the way white lotus season three is in thailand so could you imagine at like a wellness spa yeah could you imagine something i belong in less than white lotus season three at a thai wellness retreat can you imagine more of an ari shafir role probably yeah yeah i mean just and hearing me be like is everything okay with your room you know it's just like, right. White Lotus season eight when it's in Boston. Like, it's at the Encore Casino. That's in Boston.

That's when I'll do it. You're in Yonkers. Yeah, go. I'll play Jennifer Coolidge's role. Yeah, dude, that's like... But the Eli Roth thing sounds cool. It's really cool because it's a horror movie, so it's like the one thing Hollywood really can still do is like, I have a great decapitation.

Oh, I can't. Oh, God. Well, but they know. They can see me getting garrotted in the trailer. You see the blood and it's just fun to have knives in you and everybody's bleeding and then everybody's eating at the craft services table and we're all bloody and there's knives. That's great. It's just so cool.

Horror movies are just cool. Yeah, it's just fun. So there's knives. That's great. It's just so cool. Horror movies are just cool. Yeah, it's just fun. So it's like a cool thing to do. That is so cool. Are you a big horror person? I love horror movies. So I've always liked them and like I, you know, especially this time of year. Yes.

Like Halloween, Thanksgiving, like. And this feels like a real popcorn family. Turn this on. Yeah. How did this role come about for you? Well, Eli's just a fan of the podcast and he's a really cool dude and he just gave me this opportunity

and I you know was like thank you that's kind of what it is he seems like a cool guy he's an awesome guy he's the bear Jew man I auditioned for another thing and I wasn't right for it the bear goy yeah and he wasn't for me it the bear goy yeah um and and he i was it wasn't for me he

was like you did great i did like a bunch of auditions for he's like you did really good you were close but it just wasn't for you and i was like no i get it you know and then this thing he was like i think something here is really good because they wanted they wanted you to be fun there was this is a role they go we want you to be funny yeah so i was like great like this is great so i was really pumped it was really exciting that's really the only way for us to get no i've auditioned for 9 000 things never gotten one you got to know the director you got to have a podcast they got to put you in that's it yeah the only time i've gotten stuff yeah they've just been like here it's never i've never booked up no they're because there are people that are out there that um you know

are actors yeah yes they're, that's their job. So they're known and they have long resumes and things they've done, which I totally get. He's like, the guy that we went with, he goes, for the other thing, he's like, he did all of these things. I go, right, well, of course. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. If Shia LaBeouf is in the room and then I show up, I'm not getting it. And that's fair. Give it to the star. Just the same hair. That's great, man. That's great that you're in that. well it's fun and and uh you know i i think it's good and um the other one was hard the other one i was it was hard and the director was yelling at me because i

was not remembering the blocking it was tough i had a similar thing and he was he was yelling at everybody but he's yelling at me he would come up to me because i don't know why you're fucking this up and i'm like i'm sorry i don't you know and he's like he goes it's not hard you move the book 70 across the desk 80 it's out of frame you turn around and deliver half of your line when he opens the door you wait for him you deliver the other half when he picks up the phone you start to say the second part of your line but you're looking around yeah and then you finish the second part of your line okay and then he's like you wait a while but not too long to do the third line. What's the fucking problem?

Let's go. And you forget everything. And there's 80 people watching you with cameras. And I'm just like, and there's some of the biggest actors in the world around you. And you're just like, oh my God. Like, it's hard. Yeah. Like, how hard is that?

Well, last night at my job, I was drunk. Right. Right. The other thing's easier. That's what I felt like when I did America's Got Talent. They're all like stretching and having to be in the perfect place. And I remember being like, oh, I can be wasted. Right.

Like, stand-up is loose and fun. Yeah. And this is so, you miss one thing in acting. You're like, yeah, it's tough. It's really weird because we're such stand-ups who work so hard at it. You hone it. And all they want you to do is not be a stand-up all the time. Like a morning show.

They're like, hey, don't say anything you would say on stage like that's my whole thing yeah but that's these morning shows we're also there we're watching there at the end there's like three of them left that's why i like doing no it's gonna be like a relic i'm glad that we were the like last maybe generation of people to do that like morning radio new day cleveland his legendary thing like yeah like it's funny to watch these morning shows because they're so pointless and they're pointless and like the people on them don't even like i remember when you grew up like the morning shows they would kind of be attractive people oh yeah now it's like slobs is it really yeah they're not they're like sitting there and you're like, what?

And they're not particularly charismatic or anything. It's just like it's the bottom of the barrel. It's what's left. It's what remains. It's like a dating app after 50. Yeah, exactly. They're just like, let's throw these two people out. Well, the phone takes everything away.

It used to be, I need to know the traffic. I need to know the weather. I need to know the news. And now I know the weather. I need to know the news. And now I have all that on my phone. Why do I need to hear it from Kathy? And then we have Boston radio shows, Maddie in the Morning, right? All these things like, you know, Lauren and Wally, like these old school. They're in your car.

And I love that, especially because we podcast and stuff like that. Like the history, I feel like, of radio and broadcasting and the history of stand-up comedy always kind of had, you know, right stern and o and a and the the whole thing so like those preston and steve any of those shows that can help you sell tickets when you go on in the beginning if you are funny on those shows people are listening and you can sell tickets so it's like to me it's interesting seeing like how that evolves too oh yeah oh yeah and there's the good ones are still around. The good ones are still there.

It's always changing. Like Lucille Ball. That was like a radio person. Then it's I Love Lucy. The business is always going to be changing. It's a good thing. You got to adapt to your fucking... And shit comes back, too.

Yeah. Blackface. Yeah. Lucille Ball, racist. It's back in. Yeah. Well, she had a Puerto Rican hubby. Yeah.

Cuban. Cuban. Cuban. Sorry. White Cuban. Yeah. White Cuban. That was controversial at the in. Yeah. Well, she had a Puerto Rican hubby. Yeah. Cuban. Cuban. It's fair. Sorry. White Cuban. Yeah. White Cuban. That was controversial at the time.

Yeah. Yeah. Who had that funny joke? It's like back in the 50s, you couldn't have a pregnant woman on TV. That was like an edgy. And then now you can't say woman on TV. I can't remember who had it. It was a funny bit.

Sorry I brought it up. But there's nothing new. It's funny. There's nothing new to be. There's no edgy now. Oh, you can always go edgy. You can always go edgy. Edgy now is like being religious.

Right. It's a good point. Right. It goes the other way. Yeah, exactly. Because all the young kids now are like devout Catholics because it's the only way to be like, fuck you, mom. Right. Because their mother has like green hair.

Yeah. And, you know, and they're like, fuck you, mom. I'm a devout catholic you're saying the rosary that's how they piss their parents off yeah you know right nuclear family whoa yeah they're like what yeah it's interesting yeah it's all it all comes around have you ever adopted a kid do you think either i don't know adopt i don't know about that it's a real lifestyle change yeah kids are weird because all our friends are doing in vitro whatever it's called it's like 10 grand a pop they really want a kid and then all the other people i know are murdering

like they're they're uh aborting so kids are really kids are really on the spectrum of like i really want one or i feel like it's just that's one of those questions where like you're at a town hall with a presidential candidate you're like governorSantis, let me ask you a question. Some of my friends are doing in vitro, 10 grand a pop. Other ones are murdering, aborting. Where do you stand? How do we solve this? I know.

It's hard. There's nothing in the middle. I always think about getting a dog. I always go. I always see a dog in a window. And I go, I should just get a dog, right? Because they're great. And then I'm like, I travel a lot. i don't know if it's fair whatever uh when you have a kid i fully believe

that your entire life has to be oriented around your child yeah and why i'm so pro people having kids is because at a certain point i think it's kind of it's it's necessary for a lot of people to step out of their own interests and into more of a collective family. Agreed. I think that makes a lot of sense. Especially for comedians. Especially for comedians. I would never say no, but I would say it would require a massive lifestyle change.

Yeah. And it takes the narcissism out of you a little bit. What about you? How do you feel about it? I don't know. It's hard to know. I'm like you, man. I'm on the road constantly. I do think adoption's interesting because there are a lot of kids that are needing of homes.

You know what I mean? Yeah, and you get the black points. Get a black kid. It would be good. And have them sell merch. Yeah. Just a three-year-old selling merch. I'll get a Chinese kid who'll stitch the merch.

Ooh. Save some points. That's right. I have a Chinese godson who I never would have Chinese kid who'll stitch the merch. Ooh. Save some points. Now we're talking. I have a Chinese godson who I never would have said yes, but he's Chinese. He's like a little Asian. Oh, too cute. He's a killer.

He's Asian. And it just intimidates people when they see an Asian child. Of course. Because they know he's the future. You got to get a Palestinian kid. Really mix it up. You got a Pali? Good conversation starter, too.

Yes. Yes. I don't hate them. Look. Really confused. I saved this one. If I had a problem. Yeah. mix it up oh you got a conversation starter yes yes i don't hate them look really confused how many of you saved that's a good that's right yeah yeah you're tearing kids posters down i'm adopting them yeah what an odd move to tear a poster ah it's straight what an odd move no matter how you feel i think it's the worst thing that's happened with the whole it's just an odd move yeah i think it's the way there's nothing worse with the whole thing. It's just an odd move. Yeah, I think there's nothing worse. There's nothing worse than that.

It's a good point. Nothing worse. Nothing worse. By the way, though, and I'll be honest. Let's also go the other way for a minute. I'm also not a fan of posters. I'm not a fan of mucking up a lot of... I don't love a poster.

And I also don't love the tearing down of a poster. But it's like, I've never been a fan of a lot of posters. Sure, sure. Yeah. We should go back to the milk carton. Right. We know. But here's the other thing. I love the tearing down of a poster, but it's like, I don't like, I've never been a fan of like a lot of posters. Sure. Sure. Yeah. We should go back to the milk carton. Right.

We know, but here's the other thing. We know it happened. Yeah. We have the internet. No one's happy about it. Can we fit 10,000 faces on the carton? That would pose a problem. Is that how many go missing? A lot.

Yeah, it's a lot. A lot of missing. And you guys can't do dairy. Right. Put it on pork. There, it's a lot. A lot of missing. And you guys can't do dairy. No, right. That's fine. Put it on pork. There you go. That, too. Are you guys working on any bits?

This might be a good time. I got nothing, dude. Wait, what about a peeve? Yeah, give me a peeve. Ooh, the peeve. I got one. And this one, I can't believe it hasn't come up on this show. How about this guy?

You go out to eat with him. You finish the meal. Everything's great. And you get this one. You know the teeth sucker yeah you know all night he's got the steak piece in his teeth he's like man that was good dinner i'm just like what are you doing yeah go to the bathroom yeah the teeth sucker the guy who brings the little floss pick too oh that guy why is that a thing in public yeah he pulls out of a case like it's a don draper public what you allow them to do like people really will

unless you push back if you look at plane behavior how that's degenerated it's degenerated to a point where people are having fistfights yes they're naked on the plane if you don't push back that motherfucker's not real right right they're ai so if if you don't push back people tend to do what they're allowed to do good bad people yeah bad people they take advantage of what they're allowed to do that's so true i remember one of the best things i've ever seen is we have a flight. I'm flying back from God only knows Syracuse, Buffalo. I think I did the egg. Yes. I like the egg.

Egg's cool. Shout out to the beautiful venue. Lovely venue. And we're coming back. And you know, you're in a little shit jet. The pilot's young. There's one flight attendant. And there's maybe, I don't know, 17 of us with the privilege of going back to

la guardia there's a guy there and i mean it's a 41 minute flight yeah yeah if that it is cruising for like five minutes and then a descent a guy goes like this to the flight attendant goes yo you got any pancakes to the attendant or the flight attendant? She goes, no. He goes, all right. Then he turns to his chick and he goes, that's kind of fucked up.

She's got a griddle back there. Yeah, like he thought there'd be a full breakfast. It's a 41 minute flight. He goes, yeah, it's a little fucked up. But it's just funny, the injustice. Yes. Yeah, it's kind of fucked up. That's kind funny the injustice. Yes. Yeah, it's kind of fucked up You know and then for a minute I agreed with them. I'm like, yeah, why not? That's how it happens. That's it. You start being

Unreasonable it can spread. Yes, it can spread because when someone's being unreasonable it is hard to go against them Right, it's much easier to join them and go, you know, I would like a pancake. Right. You forget. The mob. You forget how insane. You become a part of the mob. You become a part of the mob.

And the mob wins if they get the numbers. Yeah. So that is scary. I think it's connected a lot to the social media shit, though, because just being an outrageous asshole will get you retweets next. Yeah. Squeaky wheel, baby. That's right.

And it does turn, when you're on a flight, you become that. You're like, yeah, I'll be an asshole, too. Instead of being like, you're an asshole, it's easier you're like yeah i'll be an asshole too instead of being like you're an asshole it's easy to be like i'll be an asshole right i'll pile on the guy who takes off the shoes next to you and you're like you haven't taken a shower in i know right now like foot between the seats it's crazy but that pancake guy is online he's the one commenting on your shit you guys saw the video the guy leaning back on the flight putting his hands behind the- Pull it up. You've seen that.

The hands behind the chair. I have not seen this. I mean, it's just- It's a TV. It's a fucking pig. It's a pig. There's a TV back there. That's crazy.

What's he doing? Let's see this. Is it a bit? Yeah, it's a video. Is this because flights got cheaper? What happened? Well, Janelle James did a great joke. She goes, bus people are flying now.

I think that was good. That was on her Netflix. I thought that was a good way to cut it. This isn't it. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Nobody wants to spend it in the kitchen. With Factor, America's number one ready-to-eat meal kit, saving time is a total breeze. Factor delivers chef-prepared, dietician-approved meals right to your door.

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can get 20 off when you go to liquidiv.com and use code drunk at checkout that's 20 off anything you order when you shop better hydration today using promo code drunk at liquidiv.com. It's recent. That's fake. That's not it. The incident showing that the male passenger not only punched the seat. Isn't it funny now, by the way, that terrorism is the least of anyone's concern? By the way, the nicest thing you bump into is like a quiet Islamic terrorist.

That's the easiest thing on a flight now. You're just like, okay. Right. Yeah. You're like, okay, so all you're going to do is charge the cockpit, but you're going to be quiet and not bother me. Fine. Instead of like the movie World Trade Center, we're just thinking it's like a curb episode. Every fucking thing.

This dude's an asshole. Well, yeah. Go to Twitter, maybe. Bus people. That is dead on. Go to Twitter, maybe. Okay. Bus people. That is dead on. Go to the cesspool of X. I mean, the- Yeah, no shit, huh?

I mean, the Greyhounds were really- It's tough. I used to take megabuses, too. Yeah, they're bad. Washington, D.C., and I'd do the little room at the D.C. Improv, like the front row. That's the double-decker one, right? Which one? Yeah.

Yes, the double-decker one. Yeah, that was awful. I hated that. And we would go there and i would put the you put your headphones in and then you would just turn around there'd be like a chihuahua yeah yeah someone had a chihuahua in like a bag and a couple holes in it yeah and there was feeding and potato chips yes and then you'd be like this is where i'm at in my life and then you would you would get out inC. and do the show.

And then you'd be like, okay. And then the worst thing was standing on that line in the morning. Oh, the worst. The worst. Because you're on the line and they're unhappy with you because you paid like $3. Yeah. So they're like, get in the line. It is a good deal.

Yelling at you. It's a great deal. They're hitting you with a cattle price. Yeah. No, you get in. You're doing the math. Like, how are you making any money? Yeah.

And then you pay. I used to pay a couple of dollars extra to be in like that premiere line oh yeah you could so then you would like board first and you're right and then you're like how could this get any worse then you hear like cling cling cling cling you're like oh he's playing a casino game nice it's only four hours but then you look at people on it who are like i was like well i'm on this because i'm trying to be a comedian and i have a shit job and then you look at people in their 40s yeah 50s and you're like oh yeah he's seeing his daughter so the he's going because he got a lead on a job out of state but doesn't want to put money down for the room rental until he knows if he gets the job so he's's got to go and hear about this job

because he just got out of jail and it's been seven years. And if he gets this job, he's going to take a room rental in Baltimore. And you go, this is tough. That is tough. I remember taking it to Baltimore too. The move back then was you take the midnight bus back.

I did the same. Because instead of having to pay another hotel, so you take the midnight bus back and that's when you see the fucking animals. That's when the freaks come hotel, so you take the midnight bus back, and that's when you see the fucking animals. Yeah, that's it. That's when the freaks come out, my friend. And people are, it's full on drug mules.

Yeah. So the bus is people from Baltimore. And low end drug mules. You're not getting Johnny Depp blow. Kilo heroin in their fat pussy. It's fat mules. Yeah. And then they go, yeah, it's right.

And then they get out at the Port Authority. Oh, yeah. And we're all getting out at the Port Authority, and that's the final stop in New York is Port Authority. Right. Yeah. So then you just get let out at 3.30, 4 a.m. Oh. The nightmare of nightmares.

And you're like, great. And I live, thank God, on 45th between 8th and 9th. So I would just kind of like scurry to my thing. But, yeah, I mean, it's just a nightmare. It's a haunted house in there. That was back then when you'd have a girl waiting for me. and she'd be like, what are you doing with your life? And you have to be like, I don't know. It doesn't add up.

I'm trying to make it. I'm living my dream. Yeah. Yeah, the worst was Fung Wah. That was beneath Megabooks. I never did that. Those were the Chinatown. Those were the $1 ones?

It was $1 to go to Boston, but it took about three days. But, man, that was tough. It was like a cage of chickens. Me and Sarah Tolomache used to take the old school Uber pools. Oh, yeah. but it took about three days but man that was tough it was like a cage of chickens me and sarah tolamash used to take the old school uber pools oh yeah because we both lived in astoria and here's what the old school uber pools would do they would never stop picking people up yeah so what the uber pool was it's like there was a there were times when me and tolamash would sit in a car for an hour yeah after our spot at the stand, right?

We would have been home and asleep if we had taken a drink. I know. But they'll just keep circling Murray Hill, and it just doesn't end. And then eventually, I think, is UberPool done now? It's got to be. It's got to be done. It's a speed date. COVID got rid of it, right?

Yeah, I think so. It was fucking bad in L.A. Oh, it's a nightmare. I wouldn't think i'm like i'm just trying to save money in between uh meetings i've been in an uber pool in la and an uber pool in la starts to get weird like you would get in and there'd be two people like hey what's up and they'd be like hi and everybody starts talking you know what are you pitching kind of and then everyone i've been in the more people start exchanging numbers and you go this

is crazy networking i got i got him once and the girl just got in and was crying and I was like, I'm not touching this one. But by the way, we're going to explain this to people. It is one of the funniest things we're going to explain. It's good. Also Airbnb, which I think is on its way out a little bit because I think people are realizing the insanity of going- What happened with you and Airbnb?

I'm not allowed on the platform. There were two lesbians. They had a house in Joshua Tree. We cooked a dinner. We had fried fish. We had burgers. We had baked beans. Nothing crazy.

Americana. And what happened was these women made me pay a cleaning fee and then also just destroyed me in the reviews, gave me a horrible rating. And we didn't do anything that bad. It was just some dishes, right? So I threatened to kill them. And I didn't, not directly, but I was just like, I hope i threatened to kill them and i didn't not not not directly but i was just like i hope you know in a funny way yeah i hope the house doesn't burn down i called them desert dykes it was a whole thing it was all thing because i the cleaning

fee which is again why airbnb's tanking has lost half of its value it's almost over yeah because people are going why am i paying you 500 for cleaning fee, which is two weeks of a cleaning lady? And then you're hitting me because there's four dishes in the sink. This is crazy. So I'm banned from Airbnb. They won't let me back on. I've had big people try to get me on. It won't work.

And it is what it is. I don't want to go to some stranger's home. I've never done it. The insanity of it. During the pandemic, hotels were, you know, the restaurants were closed. Everything was all common areas in a hotel were closed. They didn't have maid service. It was weird.

I get the appeal of an Airbnb. Oh, there's a pool. We can sit outside. I've had some good ones. Yeah, maybe like Phoenix. You go to Phoenix, you can get a nice house. But now the amount of rules, how weird they're being about everything, the weird voyeuristic things with the cameras everywhere. Yes.

Who's watching you. I think Airbnb is going the way of Uber Pool, whereas when we describe it to people, it's going to sound insane. Because you just got in a car with strangers and they would get dropped off and then another stranger would get in and then you would be – you're on a queue to dropped off eventually yes in a tiny little car i mean it's crazy it's the same way showing up to an airbnb i've shown up to airbnbs where it was clear the family was living there up until when i showed up yeah like 10 minutes yes and you're like oh my god like the shower was still steaming like some poor guy just got his family and goes, we're in the camper tonight. Yeah. It's sick. It's actually coming in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. Yeah.

Right. Disgusting. It's really sick. The staff would always try to turn me on to it. He'd be like, it's the best. I get a three, four bedroom. I bring the whole crew. And I'm just like, yeah, that's what I want.

I want to hear Gary Veeder jerking off in the next. I know. I know. It was fine for the moment. I think during the pandemic, all those things were good. Where you were like, yeah, we got a house. Now, what if we lived in Houston?

It was also like, people were vacationing in like other alternate realities. Yes. So they were like, what if I lived here? That was the pandemic. In the pandemic,

everybody was like moving around. Some people bought houses at other places. Some people were like, what if I lived here? You went to Austin for a minute. I lived in Austin for a year, you know? And you hated it?

I couldn't do it. It wasn't for me. I love my friends that live there. I love Joe. I love the club. I just am not a guy. I like oceans. I like, you know, I like just where I kind of grew up.

Like, I love New York City. I like L.A. It took a while to like L.A., but I do like L.A. now. Would you ever come back to New. I love New York City. I like LA. It took a while to like LA, but I do like LA now. Would you ever come back to New York? To New York? Of course. I would come back here, sure. Really?

For sure. Austin's a college town at the end of the day. Austin's a college town, but I get it. I get why people are living there. I'm not a huge fan of the burbs. Same. So it doesn't mean I hate them. It means that like- It's not for you. LA suburbs of the burbs same so it doesn't mean i hate them it means that like it's not for you la suburbs aren't burbs do you know what i mean like i like i could get to sunset boulevard

real quick and i'm like this is a city yeah it's not new york it's not a miami chicago new york type of city but it's a city austin is a tiny little city surrounded by a lot of sleepy suburbs and if you're into it like if you like i have a family and the kids are in playing soccer and stuff it's great um but for me it's just well i i like a little more stuff going on yeah no i get that i get it get it get excuse me it gets old quick because you can do everything in two weeks and you in la makes sense to me you and aust Austin didn't really make sense to me. Yeah. You're like a guy who soaks up culture. Yeah.

I see you getting like funny Hollywood stories in LA. Yeah, I go to dinner with people. Like I really, Soder will talk about this. Like I take meetings with people, which nothing's ever going to happen. But I'll take meetings with very high level people. Who's the most high level person? I don't know. President of CBS or something. And I tell them why they're wrong about everything they've done less moon and they and they just they

kind of nod and they go i kind of understand what you mean i go i i go i know the funniest people in the world and you guys are fucking it up you're throwing it good away they need to hear that and then they go they go yeah you're probably right but they go what do you want you know and i go yeah right yeah because the deal is it's like changing the government right people don't realize right so it's like those companies are big cruise ships that you can kind of tilt a little bit like this sure um but i would say like i know the funniest people like you know and and they should all every they should get shots i should get a shot all my friends should get shots but they can't take a risk it's too much money yeah i think they're gonna start to now because i think

they've lost enough money where they're gonna start to but that's what's fun to me about la is it's like there's something to sink your teeth into and it's it's all going wrong which i find really interesting and really good for comedy yeah the city's going wrong it's devolving the industry's changing no one needs to be there anymore people are mentally ill they're on talking their phone in the middle of the street they're like what's up guy you know it's sick it's a sick place of sick people who are dying and they're desperate and they're all crawling around like lizards and they know it's over we all know it's over and we know we're gonna meet a bad end right but that i feel like is a very

healthy way to get it's entertaining i And it's entertaining. I love it. I rather it. I love to sit in an LA coffee shop and just hear the desperation of the keys on the back of my mind. This is the one that's going to change it. It's a buddy cop movie. No one's done one of these. Ozark meets The Wire.

It's Ozark. They're all trash. So to me, it's like fun. Whereas it's like in Austin, there's something that everybody loves it. New York. What I loved about New York is like in New York, if you were like, if you say to a New Yorker, this city is shit. A New Yorker will turn around and go, you have no idea how shitty it is. Exactly.

I'm losing my mind. Right. So everyone will always complain about New York, which I think is a very healthy way to live. Yeah. I think it's very healthy way to live. Yeah. I think it's very healthy. And often people just look at you and they're like, this is the place. And that, to me, it feels cult-like. And there's hope there.

Everybody's moving there for this hope. Like, my world's going to change around. There's no hope here. And I'm holding on to that. I love the no hope. Yesterday, Mark and I were on the train, and I've got this dog in the little pouch. And how about that fucking guy on the train yesterday? You ever have someone try to talk to you across the the train so it's like a bunch of people have to

listen to the conversation yeah he goes hey a pug and i was like oh yeah he's got a dolly with love love pugs and we're like oh yeah i think we figure that's it he just keeps going he's like he's like i had a pug dead and we're like why are you putting this in my head why are you doing this well the mental illness is so great here oh yeah and there is and there are moments where i saw this band outside of new york comedy club and i don't know if i'm gonna do this but this is just a new york moment i might not do it but i think just thinking about it's good there's like a guy at a base and i go are you guys a band and they go yeah i'm like would play? I got a gig on Friday. Would you play while people got seated? And I was like, it's a Carnegie Hall.

And they were like, really? And I might disband. I might just choose them. I got to watch their stuff later. But maybe I'll just choose them to play while people are seating. I think it's a very nice way to open a big show. I think it's a great way to open a big show. And it's just a weird New York moment of seeing these guys.

They were in a rehearsal space. So they are rehearsing. Oh, you blow their minds. So how amazing would that be? they're like some dude they didn't know I was they were like Oh, you're a comedian and some cool one crazy fan like if I met in your comedy club. He's like So I'm like see see I'm a comedian see this sick person Identified with things I've done. yes um but so it might be like one of those moments where it's like that's the cool shit about the city that i love it's just that rain those random moments that you don't get other place but that's the problem with la

is that guy that band is waiting for you like where's my producer where's my booker you'll get an email from that band's manager exactly what kind of money we talk exactly what kind of money we talking here they're like that's amazing i carnegie hall but there i had a musical opener at the msg theater and it was it people loved it i think it's a good thing yeah i think it's a good thing we're gonna figure it out uh you know the beginning of a big show is always weird anyway because people are seating and you can't really be doing comedy so music is perfect i think music people are seating and you can't really be doing comedy. So music is perfect. I think music's good. Yeah, and it's different.

People pay. It's like they can kind of still chat a little bit while still enjoying it. Yeah, it's kind of good. Or I was thinking maybe an opera singer. An opera singer might be fun to stand an opera singer there and a pianist just doing piano and then have like a soprano like singing opera. That's funny also that's funny so they may win they may beat the band because it's actually funnier yeah funny so serious yeah but imagine that i did put the band on and then it was a great night for them that's a real new york moment it's not gonna happen but mark and i used to we used to open

for schumer in these big arenas and she would have her brother's uh jazz trio open and it was like a really classy way to open a show. People loved it, I think. I had a Christmas party in LA. We had a jazz trio during the Christmas party. Took it up another notch. Really? Just a jazz trio in the corner doing Christmas jazz. Yeah, yeah. That's fucking awesome.

It was killer. We had that at my wedding. I was at a bar once in Sacramento just like a live kind of, it felt like I was in LA Confident like a live kind of old. It felt like I was in L.A. Confidential. It was fucking awesome. Oh, yeah. It feels classier wherever you are. I like jazz because the people that do it, they go, we're not getting famous.

We're not going to get rich, but we love this music so much. We look at it. It's historic. It has importance. We love it. And we do it, and we do it at a high level because we love it. Yeah. So I think that's a really cool type of music. It the opposite of comedy and it's the absolute opposite yeah and it's like

you could listen to it while you work while you just like take a walk and you could still think it's fucking right it's perfect it's perfect like background noise yeah you never see a jazz musician like hey hey no one's listening you know know. No, they're never like, shut up, get off your phone. Yeah. Although you get these things where musicians, I used to not think musicians could feel a bomb, but I've seen musicians in venues where they just don't acknowledge them at all, and I'm like, that fucking sucks.

Interesting. Yeah. Because you would see it affect the performance. They're not giving themselves to it. Well, sociopathy is great, though, because I've had actors open for me who've asked. They go, can I open for you? And they just go up and they bomb.

And they go, I think that was good. Actors try. Yeah, just for the first time. No jokes. And they get like one half of a laugh in a five minute set, which is rough because then there's four minutes and 45 seconds of tough. Yeah. Then they'll just look and go, I think that was kind of good. So, you know, you never know how someone is internalizing it.

Oh, yeah. Some people have no self-awareness at all. Like, it's one thing to be a really chubby person and wear, like, really provocative clothes to make a point and go, fuck you. It's another thing to think you look good. Yeah, of course. There are those people who go, no, no, no, this is hot. And you go,

oh, you know, as Christopher Hitchens said, how far the termites have buried and how long and how well they've dined. You know what I mean? That was powerful. He had some good ones. Yeah.

It's like some people just are not. So you're looking at them going, oh, I'm in the room and I'm watching this person. But a lot of them are just like, that was great. Because we've all seen comics on stage where they're not in the room. Of course. Of course. And those are the people you're lighting eight times. Yes.

They don't know. They get mad, too. They're like, I room. Of course. Of course. And those are the people you're lighting eight times. Yes. They don't know. They get mad, too. They're like, I got it. Yeah. And you're like, well, you're doing 24 when you were supposed to do seven. So you got it. So they don't know. Like my manager said to me, he goes, you know when you do a seven.

You know when you do a four. He goes, the awareness is key. It's key to know. Of course. It's key to walk off stage and go, okay, that one was great. That one was very good. Awareness might be more important than funny. Oh, yeah. It's huge. Yeah, good point. Because if you're funny, but you don't want you to walk off stage and go, okay, that one was great. That one was very good. Awareness might be more important than funny. Oh, yeah.

It's huge. Good point. Because if you're funny, but you don't know when, I mean, you're not funny. Yeah, that's true. Awareness is huge. Awareness is big. And also- And the delusion in this biz is bananas.

Well, the thing is you need it. You need it, which is interesting. Like, you need it. In the beginning. You need it in the beginning. And you don't know how much of it you need. You got to find the level of it that's good. Yeah.

And then you just got to tinker with it, and then, you know, it's helpful. It's one of those things where it's like, it's necessary, but it can also kill you. Yeah, that is true. Maybe it's like rage in a boxer. Yeah, you need it in the beginning, but you also don't want to kill somebody in the ring.

You got to know. Because you got to believe these things are possible when the evidence is saying they're not. Yes. Yes. Like it's one of those jobs where you tell people for the first few years that you're doing it. And it's like it's a polite. They go, oh, that's good. Yeah.

Yeah. That's nice. We were talking about a comic last night it was me mark colin quinn and jim norton we were talking quinn was telling a story but this comic was like i got the perfect opener for any benefit and quinn saw him do it at a benefit and it ate shit right and then he ate shit right and uh and he didn't realize it he thought it went great and that's fucking that's a horrible like he that quinn was like, he's had us a great life. He doesn't know. But that's horrible.

Governors once were like young comics who just came out from the city to do Governors. We had a guy sit down. He goes, let me tell you about the business. This guy's like, you know, and we're like, okay. And then he does a whole like 20 minutes about like, here's what it is. Yeah. You know, he does his whole thing because you got to start at the prom shows. And we're like, okay.

It couldn't be more wrong, okay it couldn't be more wrong right couldn't be more wrong but he's giving us his whole thing about he's like you got to make sure your manager's not you know it's weird like and then he got up and just ate it yeah for 10 minutes just bombed for 10 minutes and then came off stage looked at us he goes they were good like of course the level of insanity is high well how many comedy teachers do these comedy classes the teachers are always bombers well jessica kirsten did one back in the day imagine having her as a teacher when you're an open mic there are exceptions i'd say it's 99 to 1 i took one when i started and joe mackie was in it with me and at the time and i guarantee you're funnier than the teacher probably when you were that famous one it was racine no there was one where it was like racine to stuff there was like a big one that a lot of people no no i was it was me and mackie and no one else who did it but at the time you're like that guy's fucking fun you random

people you're like that was good i mean well there's all these people that you'll see in an open mic right who are really funny yeah there's some people some of the funniest people you'll see you just see like twice and then they just disappear right like there are some really funny people i go that guy was really fun here that girl was great and then they just disappear yeah it is such an interesting thing about like sticking with it sure it's hard it's tough because life gets in the way well there's a lot there seems to be this this chasm between talent and then driven and ambitious and like knowing how to promote yourself and you need that now yeah i feel like that one's more important now i know but they're they're rarely both you really see the hilarious guy like this girl you'll see it in open mic she

doesn't have that that business sense no she's's like somebody who's like, I got this thing inside of me. I got to get out. Yeah. And it's really funny and interesting and different. And then you don't see her again because she hung herself. Exactly. But had she not, she might have been, you know. She might have been on a remake of Will and Grace.

It's hard to picture Maria Bamford getting off stage and just handing out business cards. Exactly. She's brilliant. You watch her and you go, God, she's brilliant. I watch her, man. One of my best moments ever is when she saw me at JFL and she saw the set because that was really funny. And I was like, this woman is on another level. She's amazing.

I just watched her, man. I was like, it was the coolest thing ever. And she's very nice. Remember, we hung with her in Vancouver. Sweet lady. She's awesome, dude. But yeah, there is is i mean that that was what they used to tell you like you hand out the business card oh yeah oh yeah like kevin hart is both you know but that's rare dane cook dude i knew a guy who had these cards super hilarious that was his thing he was

super hilarious at gmail or whatever and he would go here you go those guys if you say super hilarious it's like saying i'm hot and i know it you're like you're 900 pounds you know it's never a hot girl with i'm a hot and i know it it's always over compensation every time and then you get these guys you read their card it says director producer writer actor comedian i'm like what is this you're not i don't want to hand me a card he goes feel it you can't possibly rip it'm like, if that's a thing you paid extra for, maybe don't invest in the business. There's nothing really, you know, there's nothing worse than a guy who's been doing it like seven months. Who's a full business person. Because we all hated that guy.

Yeah. We were like, just get pizza. Sign up at the pit. Michelle Wolf will put you up. There you go. Try to kill for two minutes and shut up. up at the pit. Michelle Wolf will put you up. There you go. Try to kill for two minutes and shut up. That's the job. Don't tell everyone your strategy.

So here's the question. We're talking about delusion and all this and who's funny, who's happier? The delusional weirdo or the blue collar guy? Without question. You think? I don't know. Ignorance is bliss. They're much happier

But I think when it kicks in When they're 40 They just eat a gun Or eat a bullet There's I know this one guy This one guy from Long Island He did like song parodies

This is the funniest thing Okay He's been a right wing guy forever Right? He has nothing ever going on In the business ever He's doing a Facebook live one day It's one of my favorite things

I've ever seen Facebook live He goes like this He goes I'm waiting until there's A hundred people in here Before I Before I I got a big announcement He guy i got a big announcement because i got a big announcement i'm gonna say i don't care oh no he gets like 50 people he goes we'll go with this

so if 50 people get in he goes he goes i'm in hollywood now he's standing in front of his house in like sayville long island yeah there's snow covering it he's got like an old car on the driveway he goes i'm in a business where it will hurt me to say what i'm gonna say and i don't care he goes i'm supporting donald trump he goes i don't care if i never work again this is a guy who does song parodies in long island bars right every not one person thought he was doing anything but supported other he's like and it hurts me to busy he goes i don't care if i work he goes i don't give a shit he goes i'm gonna hear from people in hollywood that this is not good for my career but he goes i'm supporting trump and it's just like is he happy that's what i'm asking and he

might be he seems stressed to make that announcement yeah he might be or he might be stressed but then i think he gets in his car and he goes i don't give a fuck i'm lenny bruce i don't care about anything i told him i'm supporting trump well there's the flip side of that of the girl who's like racism is evil and you're like all right we were in brooklyn we all agree with you you're not a hero no one's even racists don't think they're racist right the kkk are just like we're a community we just yeah we're doing the right thing we're in brooklyn we all agree with you you're not a hero no one's even racists don't think they're racist right the kkk are just like we're a community we just yeah we're doing the right thing we're preserving tradition yes yes exactly or say with the the god hates fags or whatever right those people think they're saving the world right no i've seen the i mean i used to do a bit about the fuck racism sure you're like no one is on no one is against you no you're not you're not strong here's what's interesting about that you rate like that type of comedy when you think you'll

see it you almost rarely see it a lot of the people who do it on twitter all day when they get on stage they just do very hockey like yeah yeah bullshit jokes like they don't it's not like what you'd think it would be like you'd think they would get up there and do something. But then a lot of it's just very old school, kind of hacky. Yeah, you go just, oh, this is that. I look like if this guy fucked that guy. Right. But all day on Twitter, it's politics.

It's like at Mayor Adams, do something. And you see their actions, you're like, actually like oh whoopee right could you imagine because there was about a year when those those racism is bad as was they were everywhere there was a year when they were that was hot and it feels oh my god how many of those you'd be in like burlington vermont they're like we support black lives in this store and i'm like i feel like all stores support black people yeah that's a law that was made in 61. Well, there's a couple of clam bars in Long Island, a little suspect on that. There might be a bar, too, in Boston. Well, there's a Chinese restaurant that I go to.

When the black people walk in, the woman goes, you pay now to go? I'm like, this seems a bit hostile. They don't have the bumper sticker there. Seems a bit hostile. She's like, I'm doing takeout. I paid out online. She's like, pay again. But my point is that- The best scene in Don't Be a Menace. He's like, I'm doing takeout. I paid out online. She's like, pay again.

But my point is that- The best scene in Don't Be a Menace. That group that did all that, that racism is bad, whatever, imagine them at a USO show. Right. Could you imagine these fucking people in Iraq? They're getting shot at, and this is the comedy they see? Oh my God, I would pay to see that. I think that gay people should be allowed to get married. You're in Soho doing You're in a bar show.

Not a lot of resistance tonight. Right. Yeah. Yeah, it is funny. It is funny. But they'll also go. It'll be funny. If it swings the other way, they'll swing with it.

Sure. Exactly. So that's what's fun. What's fun about them is they will just swing with it. I know. They'll swing with it. Yeah. They'll start doing, hey, are we woke?

Or maybe we're a little too woke. They'll go from woke? Or maybe we're a little too woke. Like, they'll go from I'm woke to we're a little too woke. Like, it'll just, it's all a pendulum. But they never go back and go, sorry, I yelled at you. No, no, no. The other year about being, not being this. I did find those song parody guys so fucking funny when I started. No, they were funny.

He's a funny guy. I remember there was a guy, fuck, I forgot his name, but he had a song where he'd go, I hit a girl and I liked it. And I was like, you should have seen that pop one of the biggest comments in australia this guy who they told me about in australia who sounds like a legend this guy did a song parody of meredith brooks song bitch uh-huh and he called so i bring vitor out on stage on the road that song for real oh really yeah bloke you know the song yeah no well it's a song parody of Bitch by Meredith Brooks.

It was so big, it was like they were doing it in stadiums in Australia. I'm a bitch. I'm a lover. I'm an ogre, and I really like your knockers. And he does this whole thing. This guy's such a legend. He killed someone on his wedding day. No.

That's what a legend he is. He's a comic. He's in a bar. He gets into a fight. is. He's a comic. He's in a bar. He gets into a fight. He ends up killing a guy and has to do six years. He kills a guy on his wedding day. He comes out of prison and he's doing comedy. He's a legendary comic.

He's like really funny. And he does this song called Bloke, Chris Franklin. And it's like actually pretty- You killed him by punching him? Yeah, a few times. I killed a guy, and I liked it. Play a little bit of this, because this is actually a funny song parody.

I hate the new age, guys. I'm a chauvinist. Here, go back a little bit. This is fucking amazing already. No, it's actually amazing. This is for Nick Cody and Luke Heggie. Yeah, love Cody. Love those guys.

Watch this. It's actually good. I can't wait for this guy to use us as a credit. You might have seen me on We Might Be Drunk. All right. I hate the new age, guys. I'm a chauvinist. I live on beer and pies.

I tried to tell you, but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath. Brush me teeth. That's funny. Great. All me mates gave me a real good alibi. Thanks, guys. All me mates gave me a real good alibi Thanks guys I really went out drinking I told you I wasn't working Don't ask me for commitment

Cause it's something I will shirk I'm a bloke, I'm a knocker And I really love your knockers I'm a labourer by day I get some for me pay Watching footy on TV And I really love your knockers on my labor room. He's got friends. I'm all me pay watching booty on TV. Just leave me while they bleed. Just pour my beer and get my smokes and go away.

That's great. I cannot believe he killed someone. I'll tell you something, he killed that tune. Oh, yeah. How many views is that? I don't know, but he's going out now. Oh, yeah. How many views is that? I don't know, but he's a lead. Well, this was back in the day, and they would show up to, like, he did it in, like, the AFL Stadium or something in Melbourne, like, this massive, like, 80,000 people.

It was crazy. Wow. And the whole audience is singing it along with it. And they're all going, I'm a blow, you know? Wow. So it's, like, interesting. Australia is a really interesting place. It is. You're there, and you're like, along with it. And they're all going, I'm a blow, you know? Wow. So it's like, Australia's a really interesting place. It is.

You're there and you're like, I love it. And then there's moments where you go, is everyone retarded? I know, I know. It's just, you don't know. It's interesting.

I messaged you about it recently. I told you you're gonna like it. I have every restaurant you should go to. All right. If you're in a zoo. It's fun. You feel very detached too.

You're like, I'm on the other side of the world. No one can get to me. Yeah, it's kind of interesting. And then I did, are you doing New Zealand? I'm not okay because it's that's even more detached because you go then you four hours to auckland new zealand then you're in new zealand and then four hours on a plane south of that is antarctica wow it's over you're the furthest in

the south pacific you can go yeah and then is antarctica so there's you know i love it like i always go like i've gone now twice and i go i'm never doing it again every time i do the flight yeah and then i just always go back it's fun it's one of those things where it's like i really like it when i'm there and i love the comics like nick cody's great luke hegg is great la sucks i mean i'm going from new york i'm fucking dreading that i mean that's, that's, that's, that's, by the way, that's inhuman. How are you? Are you laying over in LA or something? Yeah. Yeah.

Or SF. Put a day. Are you doing it all in one day? No, just get it over with. Just get it over with. That's what I do. I'll pop a muscle relaxer on the second one. I'll knock out.

And you got movies. You got food. Well, so what's interesting is I stayed up like a whole day. I go in. She's like, she's like, we can serve you the food whenever I go. I'm just going to conkk out so I conked out I wake up and I'm like shit I've been asleep six hours I'm like that's great I walk up

to her I go well that's really good I've never slept six hours on a plane she goes yeah she goes we're doing good she goes we only got like nine hours left so then you're like oh this is and then you look at where you're over and it's like the Mariana Trench you're not over anything you're like I hope the plane's working I know you feel lost those flights over the. You're like, I hope the plane's working. I know, you feel lost.

Those flights over the Pacific, you're like, I really hope everything's in working order. That's when you need that guy from O'Hegan to cry on you. And we hit turbulence. You're like, I need a dad right now. And we hit turbulence in them and you're like, it's turbulence and you're in them. But they're just like, it's normal.

It always happens. And you're in a Boeing 777, which is a beautiful plane. Oh, yeah. It's the best you can get. Stunning a new zealand i did auckland and it was the wildest crowd i've ever had great they're great it was awesome but they threw drugs on stage oh interesting i do a q a at the end they yelled shit out where i was like i'm offended no you know it's crazy it's it's um it's it's it's it's it's like it's the end of the world yes Yes. You're at the end of the world. They call it an island of volcanoes.

Right. I mean, they're all just sitting there waiting for the big one. So it's kind of amazing. And there's beautiful parts. Like the nature there is unreal. It's Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings, Jurassic Park. But then, like, I stayed by the casino.

Yeah. Woo! It's dicey. It's a certain type of person that you, like. There's a native in their blood. Yeah, there's a native. They have some. And it's a certain type of person that you like there's a native in their blood yeah there's you know they have some and it's like they have a squawking and it's like it's something weird starts to happen with the booze and like their medulla oblongata like the back of their neck and the way they're like oh it's like a different kind of bird you're like this is like a weird it's a weird group it's a

weird group but yeah I'm into it. They're very different, even though they look similar in a way, but it's off. There was a show called Sliders in the 90s. I remember that. With Jerry O'Connor. Oh, yeah. The time travel. And Sliders was, and Louis kind of talks about Australia like this, too, where you're there

and you're like, it's almost our world. Right. And then Louis says, oh, like a weird parrot will fly by. So Sliders was just, they kept trying to get back to their world, and every time they says oh like a weird power to fly by so sliders was just they kept trying to get back to their world and every time they'd slide you another right some of them would obviously not be there it's like it'd be like dinosaurs but then some of them you'd be like oh this is our world and then it's like somebody's like head would like do a full 360 wow sliders yeah boy you're always talking about food

this is my recommendation, by the way. I'm supposed to have a recommendation. It's sliders. What do you watch? I don't even know this guy. You feel like a documentary guy. Well, sometimes, but I love really crap stuff. Selling Sunset?

I'll watch Selling Sunset for the whole season. It's so hot. I can see that. I'll watch it to the two midgets, right? It's so hot. I can see that. I'll watch it to the two midgets, right? The thing, but no, but I like, I'll watch like Santa Clarita Diet.

Oh, yeah. Where like Drew Barrymore is like a zombie. I'll also watch the great things, The Wires, The Sopranos, you know, The House of Cards, the first couple of seasons, but like Bloodline's good on Netflix. I don't know Bloodline. Netflix original. That's a good with Ben Mendelsohn, who's great. Oh, he's good. He you know Netflix original that's a good with with a Ben Ben Mendelsohn who's great oh he's good one of the best actors and Bloodline is really

really good that's a if you haven't watched Bloodline on Netflix it's slow but it's good Sissy Spacek Kyle Chandler Ben Mendelsohn Linda Cardellini it's a really good show and I love Florida so to me i can kind of just

watch a show i do kind of love florida too by the way fun me for how often i gig there is there anything better than after side splitters a nice rain like a nice right you got hemingway on this yeah i kind of love tampa crowds though. I love Tampa crowds. I love the food in Tampa. Yeah. It's just like coconut shrimp and the best. It's nuts. It's fun. Yeah. Some of the best sets of my life are probably at size four. It's amazing.

Because they're kind of down the middle and you can't offend them. There's nothing you can say that'll, so you'll go harder and then you just, it's like the best set you'll have have I had a thing I used to riff about Great club How many pay-by-the-hour motels That are around there

Oh yeah And I was like My friend's really like She's from Tampa She's trying to defend it She goes Yeah well a lot of people Are going to Busch Gardens

That's where they stay I go That's not what What kind of family Is staying in a pay-by-the-hour motel Yeah To go to Busch Gardens I mean it's like

So Tampa has like a seedy Dark underbelly Yes Which I've always liked is they're going to pay by the hour motel. Yeah. To go to Busch Garten. I mean, it's like, so Tampa has like a seedy, dark underbelly. Yes. Which I've always liked. I've been there. Did my bachelor party there for that reason. I've always liked and respected that. That area?

Ybor City. Oh my God. Chickens running around in the street. Yes. I love that stuff. Great time. I think it's good. It feels like where you'd be a boat, like PI. Miami to me i love miami

but miami's very much like it's like global and sexy and the crowds are not good but uh tampa you're like this is designed for comedy yes designed for comedy there's real people there there's real people there yeah miami's a fort lauderdale great crowds it's like it's something about florida yeah orlando's great crowds are all they all florida's good man miami improv can be fun too they can get a little wild but yeah they're always 30 minutes late and on coke yeah they are late and they fucking they don't pay attention they're like they're not like working people they're like influencers and yeah exactly it's latino la basically yeah it's interesting so la yeah good point it's cuban la there we go there we go jacksonville too like san augustine all that

they're all pretty good they're great they're great yeah they're fun people it's hurricanes it's jews it's old people it's cubans no we need flor Florida is like the weird soul of our country. Yeah. We need it even though it is crazy. You ever go to Key West? No. I've never been there. Oh, it's Florida on steroids. I have.

I got it. It's worth doing. Yeah, I want to do it. Just because you get on a jet ski, you wake up. Oh, it's beautiful. You live like a PI. Everyone there is drunk. Everyone ran over a kid in 89.

They fleed to Key West. No one in Key West is not running away. No, everyone is. It's all right. They all think they're Jimmy Buffett. They're all sunbaked and Brown. And by the way,

no one who lives like that regrets it. No, no, no. You'll never meet a guy in Florida. Who's living that life. Who's like, man,

I wish I was in Chicago. No, no one on a boat in Florida wants to to be anywhere else you got that right yeah good movie rec by the way i bet you've seen it uh key largo bogart and uh edward g robinson and lauren bacall great fucking flick really from the yeah but florida does bring out the worst oh parts of you oh yeah so when you if you ever live there you gotta or or or even spend a like a lot of time there you just got to be ready to confront that. Yeah.

Because it will bring out the part of you, the primal darkness. Yes. It does. Blow off a guy's ass. You know, you'll be doing something. I've had some dark nights there for sure. Oh, yeah. Ooh, baby.

The late night drinking. I was at the don cesar which is a great hotel in saint pete beach and they were all getting ready for the hurricane there's this guy outside drunk he just looked at me as a guy he's like let it come you know and so that's kind of what it is he goes let it come it's like lieutenant dan on the boat it's like that's what you just got to you know it's it's fatalism down there you're like this is it oh yeah if i end up in the mangroves that's what happens yeah that's what it's a weird combination of paradise but the world might end yes but it's people that go there to die so you

have that energy too it's people that are like i've given up or i know i'm in the final stage and i just want to be me. Right. I want to be me. Like, I have a friend who moved down there and she is, you know, insane now. Fully insane. She's not old, but she's like middle age. And she's went down there. And the thing about Florida is you start acting years older than you are when you start living there.

It's weird. So if you go down there and you're like 40s you start you start acting like you're a retiree and she's just you know she's a lot of fun but she was me and big j are really good friends with this person and we love her because she's one of the funniest people i think do i think i know you're talking about crazy michelle yeah yeah so crazy michelle said the funniest thing we've ever heard she sat me and big j down years ago in chaconis was hollywood she looked at both of us and said without any hint of irony she goes i feel horrible for harvey weinstein it was the best i've lived here 20 years these whores they lie and me and jay laughed so hard i put up a picture of jeffrey epstein on my story once she just had no idea who he was and she just

responded gorgeous so that's how out of it she is and she's down there in florida and we still love her i guess removed from all the allegations yeah yeah she was gorgeous but she's just down there in florida um you know living that that florida life she goes gorgeous yeah she goes gorgeous wow but she's the king of florida yeah she's down there in florida now just kind of like she hangs out with like a nun oh she has one of her best friends is like a nun and i'll call her and she's like yeah i'm at the nun's house it just gets wild yeah it's weird she rides around on a golf cart all day you know yeah she's married to a comedian we know i know yeah i sat next to him on a flight once.

Nicest guy. Very sweet. Yeah. Very sweet. I'm curious now. We'll talk after. All right. All right.

We got to get down to Florida. I'm going to Tampa in January. I'm pumped now. I'm going to Florida in December. I got Fort Myers and Tampa. And then you got St. Pete right there, and it's beautiful. Oh, it's great. St. Pete's rough. St. Pete's rough.

Scientology's over there. Clear water. Everything's nice. Fort Myers. I did a club called Belushi's once, and it was one of those hell gigs where I bombed every show. Yeah. And it's still Florida. The bartender at the end of the weekend just goes,

kid, you deserve better. And I was like, oh, my God. And it was one of those gigs where they just wouldn't pay me. Right. I was like, I have a 6 a.m. flight, and they're just waiting around for like, they're like, we'll get you. And I'm like, it's 2 a.m., please.

Every bartender in Florida has seen the darkest things imaginable. Yeah.m. flight and they're just waiting around for like, they're like, we'll get you. And I'm like, it's 2 a.m., please. Every bartender in Florida has seen the darkest things imaginable. Yeah, right. They could be 22. They've seen everything. Yep. They have the face of like a weathered divorcee. You know, they just, they're like, yeah, we've seen things in this bar that you can't even imagine. Myrtle Beach

has a little stank on it, too. So does Virginia Beach. I don't know if you've ever been there Both are pretty terrible I've never done Virginia Beach I'm always scared of that I just feel like people have like Like penis hats There's a lot of cash wrap parties

There was a club in Myrtle Beach called Fuck what was the name of that club Was it just Carolina Comedy Club Yes that was it Oh my god I remember it was the worst weekend ever. Really? It was like every table was drinking Long Island iced tea.

I've never seen it in my life. Just trays of Long Island iced teas. You know, some of those beach communities are fun. Like, Dead Crow is great. That's a great town. That's a whole different game. That's a nicer vibe. And remember the guy?

There used to be like a conspiracy museum there? Yes. Yeah, it was cool. But they filmed like Iron Man there. Wilmington's a nice- That's a really cool- Yeah. I had sex with the owner of that club.

Good guy. Timmy? Yeah. It's a lovely gentleman. A sad beach town like AC is sad. That's a tough one. I like AC, but it's Vegas with AIDS. Yeah, you can't really walk out there anymore.

You can't. It is Vegas with AIDS. Even the seag't really walk out there anymore. You can't. Even the seagulls kind of look like they have AIDS there. Yes. It's rough. Everything's dingy. No one's fucking painting anything. Atlantic City is, no one there is up to anything good.

No, no. I had to get a prescription filled there once. It's the walking dead. You want to talk about it. You want to talk about it. Mike Lawrence's bachelor party. Me, Scott Chaplin donnelly mike lawrence yeah in uh the uh what was it the joke the one that closed down the showboat or something like oh yeah the one that was like clown themed yeah and it was right it was just tough that why would he do it there and racine

i think was there uh i don't know he just wanted to see atlantic city yeah mark mike it was like darkly poetic you know like of course we were talking about mike the other day he's kind of a savant oh really brilliant brilliant yeah he's really a funny fuck what about off the hook i know that you're not i hate that was the worst weekend i've never done it i haven't either i had a horrible time there it was one of those weekends where they just wouldn't i couldn't r.i.p er Eric Myers, who was opening for me. Yeah, he was great. It killed him. Oh, my God.

Talk about how bad the weekend was. He was burying me, too. I mean, he was like high energy. And a lot of his jokes were like, young people suck. And I'm like, I'm not going to be able to follow that. I mean, it was murdering. I mean, murdering is as much you could do it with. Hilarious guy.

I remember going up. Yeah, he was. He was I mean, murdering is as much you could do it with. Hilarious guy. I remember going up. Yeah, he was. He was very funny and a very nice guy. And oh, my God, was I bombing. It was like it was one of those gigs where you're like, all right, well, I'm just going to fucking play the greatest hits. Fuck it. These are all my best jokes I've ever written. The most broad jokes.

Yeah. He's all worked on late night. These all. Right. And I'm still bombing. It's like it's one of the things where like I can't you just feel like you're drowning the whole set yep and i remember wishing death on multiple old men uh it was horrible yeah and they just don't it wasn't it's tough and then you're like naples is bad naples is not ideal for comedy no they're fucking you know what was great that was

the palm beach improv yeah west they closed they closed but it's i know it's a great night that was one of the greatest gigs for me because i think palm beach is great yeah and you just go to the beach and everybody's insanely rich but in a fun crazy way yeah like they're all trumpies and they're all driving pink rolls royce you know yes and they're like nuts and it's fun. I love that gig. It's a gig. We go to Pura Vida every meal. Oh, yeah. It's a great gig.

It's great. I had a show there once. The guy in the front row, he had a table of like 12 twinks. Yeah. And he had another, what was that? Versace. All Versace. And he's like, another bottle of champagne.

And they were pouring it in his mouth. And he's like, dance, bitch. I'm like, i'm trying to do my bit about cereal but he was just he ran the whole show he was the mayor no it's crazy you've got people there we had like we had a table of just old drunk like bawdy women oh like those type of ladies who were like, you better be funny. Like, where did they come from? Like, hell opened up and they just emerged like a Farsight cartoon. But it's fun because all you need to do is shit on them once and they're like, great.

Yeah. That's what they came for. Get out of the way, yeah. They came to get called a cunt or something quick. That's what they came for. We got the Real Housewives of St. Pete. That's right. You got that right?

That's right. Right. Exactly. You know? Yeah Housewives of St. Pete. That's right. You got that right? That's right. Right. Exactly. You know? Yeah. Those are fun, though. They're fun. They're the best gigs.

I love those. Other than Naples, I would say I kind of do love every gig in Florida, too. Sure. Florida's amazing. It's a good escape, too. You get why people move there from New York, all the snowbirds. I don't know if that Belushi's Club is still around. Look it up.

It's still around. Florida's what Arizona could be. Uh-huh. But it isn't. There's no water. There's no ocean. You need an ocean. You need the ocean. Because is what Arizona could be. Uh-huh. But it isn't. There's no water. There's no ocean. You need an ocean. You need the ocean.

Because the Arizona, Stand Up Live, I love. It's one of my favorite clubs. Great club. But just Arizona, when you're driving around and everything like that, you're like, they become lizard-like, the people. Oh, yeah. They're like kind of sun-baked brain. They're open carry.

Yeah. So with Florida, it's a little nice. Still there? Yeah. Of course. Holy shit. It was rough. Still there? Yeah. Of course. Holy shit. It was rough. Nothing dies out there.

I wonder how much he knows about the club. Who? Belushi. Oh. His business manager calls him every now and then and goes, well. Yeah. Why are they naming it after a guy? That's so weird.

It probably sells tickets. I don't know. It's like, hey, do you ever do acroids? In Akron, we got acroids over here. Have you done, hey, we got it. You ever do a Ackroyds in Akron? We got Ackroyds over here. And we got. Have you done that? Brad Garrett's.

Have you done any of like the named after a comedian club? I did the Kimmel. I popped it on the Kimmel Club once. And that's pretty good in Vegas. Garrett's is a famously decent one. I hear a great guy. Yeah, he's probably a great guy. I've never been there.

I've never seen any of those. What a horrible idea to open a comedy club as a as a funny guy that seems you gotta do inventory and deal with you know i will say watching joe do it was interesting because like oh shit he was able to good point well he's a zillionaire yeah because he had the money to do it exactly the way he wanted and and he goes up there and he goes up there and it's such a better like it's amazing instead of being on the road forever it's his family it's like oh i have a club i can go do work it's really and it's such a better, like it's amazing. Instead of being on the road forever, it's like his family. It's like, oh, I have a club. I can go do work. It's really cool.

It's kind of a secret weapon. He's doing two hours a night on a Tuesday in front of a full house. I got to get there. You haven't been there? Every weekend they offer me. Every weekend they offer me. I'm booked till I tape. I'm like, I'll do weekdays.

But they're like, it's just weekend. You go, it's just a scenic casino in the back. Everybody's sitting, having like an Italian dinner in the back. You come in, everyone looks. You're like, oh, I'll get New York out of here. It's about time. It's about time. I want to.

I want to do it. Where are you going to be? I know you've got Carnegie Hall tomorrow. That's tomorrow. Yeah, in December. This comes out December, right? Oh, wow. Nice.

I love that. I have to do a topical thing, so I can't ever get ahead. Oh, you've got to bank. Yeah, I can't bank. i have to do a topical thing so i can't ever get ahead oh so i just i know yeah i can't bank i have to do topical uh december go i go scroll down i have no idea yeah uh december detroit nice toronto uh the mothership there you go columbus bethlehem and washington dc ohio san antonio dallas atlanta st louis indianapolis and boston DC, Ohio, San Antonio, Dallas, Atlanta, St. Louis, Indianapolis, and Boston, Foxwoods. AC, rounding it out. Rounding it out, AC, with no material. I don't know what I'm going to do. It's like... Something will happen

in the world. Something will happen in the world. I heard you were doing the Apollo. Yeah, well, I'm waiting. I'm going back. We're not doing that. It's not right. I miss some of those dudes. Where is he? I don't know.

He's around. All right, what do you got there, Freddie? I just got Tampa, as I said, and Fort Myers, Buffalo, Springfield. Buffalo, Springfield. Madison, Philly, Dania Beach, Omaha, Dallas, OKC, Irvine, Salt Lake City. When you're in Irvine, we'll hang out. There we go. Let me know, because no one ever comes to LA anymore. I'll be in Irvine, we'll hang out. There we go. Let me know because no one ever comes to L.A. anymore.

I'll be there. Yeah, and then I'm taping in Boston. I'll drive down to Irvine because it's not that far. That'd be great. Yeah, let's hang, please. There's some good restaurants down there. It's fun. You can have fun there.

Yeah. Yeah, I love that room. It's funny. When you drive to Irvine, that Orange County, there's a line where the roads get better. Yeah. There's plants everywhere. The buildings are prettier. All right. Hey, what do we got here crest in sacramento we added the show omaha kansas city norfolk baltimore birmingham shreveport tampa jacksonville coming to florida baby columbus

indianapolis new york new york at the beaconacon, Houston, San Antonio, Texas, Salt Lake. MarkNormanComedy.com. Check it out. Get some Bodega Cat. Listen to Tim's podcast. It's hilarious. One of our faves. I was really happy when I heard you.

No, dude, thank you for having me. Yeah, thanks for doing it. And Winnie's still kicking. Pissy Elliot. She's still kicking, man. How old is she? 16. She's very sweet.

Thanks a lot, man. How old is she? 16. She's very sweet. Thanks a lot, folks. Good night. That was fun. That was good. That was a good one. Sunday's the day for my next bender. A bit of Pivorec, you know the beer juice close.

I've had a little too much bourbon. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way In New Orleans, this woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way. We might be true.