We Might Be Drunk - Ep 157: Stavros Halkias

Episode Date: December 11, 2023

Go watch Fat Rascal on Netflix the newest special from Stavros is out now and climbing the comedy charts.  A classic hang with the guys on We Might Be Drunk, Stavros kills it and has a great special out now. Don't miss it. Thanks for hanging with us. Stavros Halkias: https://www.stavvy.biz/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Mark Normand: https://marknormandcomedy.com/ Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod Bodega Cat: http://www.bodegacatspirits.com  We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ If you want to start a podcast contact [e-mail] for a discount on services when referred by WMBD! Support the show & get 20% off &; free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com when you use the code DRUNK

Hey, here we are folks. That was like my little do-do-do-do. And we just lost our last female listener. She's gone. Good to be here. We got a special guest coming in a few minutes, one of our faves, so stick around. You got that right. Oh yeah, it's freezing in this town. It's cold. I got long johns on. Do got that right. Oh, yeah. It's freezing in this town. It's cold. I got long johns on. Do you? Yeah.

I did it last night. Day long johns feels weird to me. It's not that cold yet. I know. And at night, you get that waft of ball stench. It's not good. Because they're just cooking in there. It's a smegma.

It's a BO. It's a sour. It's something. Something rancid. You ever just smell your balls after wearing them, and you're like, dang, great. I enjoy it. I get a hit. I'm like, ah, it's like ether.

What are those things you crack, you know, in fear and loathing? That's the best. Ball sweat. Ball sweat. You get like that real, I mean, we're getting too graphic here. Yeah, this is pretty bad. I like that I said we lost her. Now we lost her last year.

Yes, and there goes the gay one. Sorry, folks. But yeah, it is getting chilly, man. Oh, lost her last year. Yes. And there goes the gay one. Yeah. Sorry, folks. But yeah, it is getting chilly, man. Oh, yeah. The holidays are here. I saw the ding dong guy with the bell, the Salvation Army. Yeah. The tree is up.

It's happening. It's officially, it's that time of year where I'm doing like Buffalo coming up and Madison coming up and I bring James Webb on the road with me and he booked a flight where he lands like 4 p.m. in Buffalo. I'm like, that's rookie shit. Yeah. It's Buffalo in December, dude. I know.

Why do our agents do this? Like I remember going to Winnipeg and Edmonton in January. Winnipeg is something else. Below 40 when I was there once. Oh. And I was in a comedy condo and I remember it's like the saddest part of the condo is seeing what's in the fridge and you're like a detective and you're putting together who was there you're like you're like almond milk it was an la comic oh that's so true but uh that was a depressing

condo yes very depressing but it's a cool winnipeg's not bad no no good call rumors yeah yeah it was good but i mean uh and they had like a cool rec center it's like this it's so sad the shit you look forward to when you're on the road. I know, I know. That's true, but I would eat everything in those condos. Oh, pa! There we go. We got him.

Good to have you. Stop me, baby. Stop roast, everybody. This is so funny. Yeah, get in here. Still a little intro for you. I got to piss. Go piss, go piss. Yeah, we'll keep it rolling. little intro for you. I got to piss. Go piss.

Go piss. Yeah, we'll keep it rolling. You look like I'm back from school. All right. Well, the short bus landed. We got Stav here. It's so funny because we're writing this movie, and we have a part for Stavros, so I don't want to give too much away.

But I see him, and I'm like, the guy from the movie. I know. Because I've been picturing him in my head for three weeks. I don't want to give too much away either but like there's like three cameos i was really pumped for yeah working on this movie with uh noah garden schwartz and esther steinberg the four of us and uh stav david tell and tim dillon were like the three that yeah really fucking excited totally i hope we can make this i hope someone makes it yeah and the guy the guy and the gal writing it are um us write it are comics.

So they know everyone's voice so well. It's hilarious. Yeah. It's been easy and like, oh, it'd be so fun. It'd be so fun to just make a drinking buddy comedy. Yeah. I don't know if you saw the Daily Wire's new comedy. Did you see the trailer?

It actually looked kind of funny. It felt like an 80s comedy. When he chokeslammed the I never thought I'd say anything the Daily Waterloo was funny but the chokeslam on the girl in the wrestling match yeah did make me laugh a little bit well it's just it's funny how so much has changed

because I see that I'm like hiding under the covers like oh my god they're gonna get in so much trouble but that I mean this is 80s it's like Soul Man or Porky's or one of those movies. Oh yeah, Porky's, some of those. Just the anti-Semitism in Porky's alone. I'm like, and I remember the dumb anti-Semitism. He calls a guy a kite.

Yes. I'm like, you're not even a smart anti-Semite. That's true. All right, Stavi. I forgot about the weird anti-Semitism ribbon going through that movie. Yeah, we're talking about Porky's. Did you like Porky's?

I don't remember it. Come on, that was your high school nickname. Get in here. I brought a Santa hat. Hey, nice. Oh, I'm happy. Oh, fuck. This is great.

All right, let me get in here. Were you into those 80s sex comedies? All those little fuckers? How we doing? Hey, hey. How you doing, man? Good in here. Were you into those 80s sex comedies? They're almost like... Hello, little fuckers. How we doing? Hey, hey. How you doing, man? Good, man. What the fuck's going on?

We got you a glass of water and a soda water. I don't know what you like better. What do these motherfuckers got coming in next? You want a tight schedule? We got Albert Brooks. Goddamn. No, we just thought we'd throw a little intro for you. Oh, okay.

All right. Respect, respect. I know I'm a comedy nerd, but that Albert Brooks doc is pretty great. I heard it's great. It's pretty fun. Are you a big Albert Brooks guy? I tried to watch Defending Your Life while trying to also get pussy, and it just didn't really land.

The girl was maybe too stupid for it. It was like the movie was bombing. I felt myself the chances of getting sucked off, like lessening as much as she hated the movie yeah so i just had to pause it and grab a titty so i really that's i guess it kind of moved it along you know it was a desperation play i ended up getting the most difficult concept to grasp this sounds like a pretty dumb shit okay maybe not dumb it wasn't her cup of tea you know what i mean that happened to me with Play It Again Sam once. Oh, Woody Crane. Come on.

I know. These are old comedies. It's Woody Allen. It's an early Woody Allen. It was like a play he did. And the girl was adopted. She was Asian. Adopted and Asian.

Yeah, as well. The bad combo. Too soon, you. But yeah, then she made me put on, what's that fucking Hugh Grant Christmas one? Oh, Love Actually. Women love that. And then my dick got soft. That's that fucking Hugh Grant Christmas one? Oh, Love Actually. Women love that. And then my dick got soft. That's a great one, though, to shit on.

Yeah. Because it is a dog shit movie that every woman loves. I don't like it. It's the Friends of movies. Yeah. You know? It is worse than Friends. It's pretty bad.

Because Friends, it's kind of like putting on some dumbillou for baby, like you put on some dumb bullshit for a baby. Right, right. That's what it is for like a 24 year old girl in HR from the, you know, 2000s. Yes. It's just something nice. It's like me watching an act, a Chuck Norris movie. You know what I mean? Putting on like, it's just, but.

It's like a mobile, you know, when they're hitting it. Exactly, yes. Love Actually just stinks. It's just not funny. It's yeah. But I will, what I like is that it is a movie about cheating. you know exactly yes love actually just stinks it's just not funny it's yeah but i will what i like is that it is a movie about cheating it's like all these movies that are like that girls love that are really if you oh yeah just kind of like some sort of pro cheating movies good point

like moonstruck is the ultimate pro cheating movie i haven't seen that in too long. Ultimate pro-cheating. Really? It's crazy, dude. It's like the dad, she's going to marry Danny. Danny Aiello. Danny Aiello. And then she falls in love with his much younger brother. She cucks him with his brother while he goes to attend to his dying mother. And not only that, but I believe his brother fucking his wife cured his mother cosmically, and she lived in Italy. And not only that, Cher catches her dad cheating at the opera. She sees him, doesn't blow up his spot.

Wow. Her mom has the chance. Frazier's dad is in it. John Mahoney. Oh, yeah. And he plays an NYU professor that just fucks his students. Jesus. And he has like a – Cher's mom in it, Olympia Dukakis.

Shout out to – I got every Greek person I got. Yeah, right. I don't have many. I'm trying to get – it's like the All-Star – it's like the Olympics where it's like we don't have a lot of celebrities. I'm trying to cobble together a roster with me, Olympia Dukakis, Stamos, Jennifer Aniston, sort of. Right. I do the same thing with Jews in the NBA Top 75. I'm really clinging to Dolph Shays.

That's my guy. Yeah, it doesn't help when all your fucking, everyone you put forward is in black and white. Everyone's like, oh, they're fucking, they bounce with their hand like this. Hereil steinberg with the layup wow a 511 center um but yes it's a and so olympia dukakis has the opportunity to cheat and doesn't actually he tries to fuck her john mahoney tries to fuck her like as a change of pace like maybe i can fuck a milf instead of these it's an interesting it's a dirtbag movie for sure yeah women were all on board with these back in the day like uh bridget jones diary my wife was watching that the other day it's all sexual harassment like he's grabbing

her ass at the office and stuff and they're loving this right pretty much yeah yeah it's just a modern version but it's all harassment women love it clueless also she like fucks her much older bro oh yeah yeah that's based off of like another pride and prejudice oh i didn't know that jane eyre writes some shit like that taming the shrew or something oh that that's 10 things i hate about you is taming the shrew that's a that's a pretty good movie that's not bad young heath ledge i haven't seen that one i haven't seen 10 things i hate about you young heath ledger man he's fucking he's incredible jane austin there we go That's not bad. Young Heath Ledger. I haven't seen that one. I haven't seen it. Ten Things I Hate About You, Young Heath Ledger, man. He's fucking incredible. Jane Austen.

There we go. Nailed it. That was a great one. I saw that in the theater. Oh, wow. No, I love that one. A lot to beat off to as a youth as well. Yes. All three, I'm in.

The redhead, honestly, what else was she in? Brittany Murphy, Girl Interrupted. Was that Brittany Murphy? Oh, yeah. No, I'm thinking of Elyse Donovan, I believe. Oh, I definitely beat off to Brittany Murphy. thinking of Elyse Donovan, I believe. Oh, I definitely beat off to Brittany Murphy. But yeah, Elyse Donovan had a run. I was very into Redheads at Night at the Roxbury.

I saw Night at the Roxbury in theaters. Me too. Damn. That was a huge Roxbury. That was a banger, dude. Colin Quinn. Yes. I think this is our second Night at the Roxbury reference in two episodes.

That's a funny movie. I love Night at the Roxbury reference in two episodes. That's a funny movie. I love Night at the Roxbury so much that when I met Quinn, it is the first thing I brought up. I'm sure he loves that. He was, like, confused. Like, it might have come off like I was trolling him. Yeah. And I was like, you know, this is me fresh from Baltimore, hairless. Yeah.

Still had the tooth. Oh, damn. I'm just Bobby's,'s like little fucking mini me and colin quinn was like who's this little dickhead telling me about night at the roxbury but i literally love that movie yes i beat off exactly to that outfit that's a hot outfit oh dude it was incredible i love what girls wear those arm things i don't know what that is but i'm into it yep i mean she does heroin ancient egyptian yes um yeah that movie had fuck what's his name who's the guy that richard grieco oh yeah that same dad by the way dan

hidea dan hidea is that topanga simple great great underrated 80s flick the other one he's also in he plays the dictator in um in the Schwarzenegger movie. Fuck. Maybe the best. The best. Commando. Bam. No fucking rules, dude.

I've never seen it. What? It is like, when you think of an action movie, you're like, oh, everything is Commando. It's the archetype. You know when he's just like, and everyone dies, but he never gets shot. I'll watch it at your place sometime. Dude, please. That's like a star

I'm in Queens I've been literally watching old action movies and taking notes to prepare for a screenplay I want to write so I'm like I'm trying to become

like a professor of shitty action movies but Commando is like that's the bible as far as I'm concerned so who's the guy now is it The Rock like who's our

no Roy Wood said this like they're not really there aren't that many left it's you know what it is it's like who's our our boy wood said this like they're not really there aren't that many left it's it's you know what it is it's like there's guys trying it's a little like the nba where it's like a changing of the guard where it's like keanu's basically oh we got the 40 year old lebron it's like how long can this keep going you know i don't think he wants to keep going he doesn't want to keep which john wickford was was fucking incredible. But, I mean, you look at Keanu's resume overall, he really puts in a really great argument for the best right now with, I mean, Matrix and John Wick. Right.

Oh, yeah. Speed is an action movie. Speed's great as well. Point Break. Oh, yeah. Johnny Utah. He's just got an insane resume. Under the radar actually you

don't think of him as one no well because of Bill and Ted and he had a couple of weird ones in the beginning but I would say Liam Neeson is somewhat in the running he was he was before before Wick that was yeah and then dude I just watched I just I mean uh Denzel Denzel with the fucking uh Equalizer Equalizer Equal was fucking good. They made three of those? I didn't know that either. Damn, it's like Baldwin's. There's another one? Third one rules. Yeah, really

good stuff. But yeah, I don't think there is like a pure... Hemsworth, the extraction. Those extraction Netflix movies, really good. I never saw that. Really good. Okay, Hardy's good too. Tom Hardy's had a couple yeah he's an interesting one yeah he's he's got uh dsls which is interesting to have on an action hero yeah he's almost too gerard butler oh yeah like the b movie yeah right i in fact i just

watched olympus has fallen you're the one no that movie's fucking incredible you just ruined tom hardy for me i'm looking at his lips oh holy shit come on they should have made hardy play robocop you would have been fucking horny the whole time let's get a robocop is fucking good by the way the guy who plays robocop also has dsls to the point where when you we're like they must have had a different guy because you don't see it when he's out of the fucking helmet yeah with the helmet you're like, they must have had a different guy because you don't see it when he's out of the fucking helmet. And then with the helmet, you're like, God damn, what the fuck? That's true.

What the fuck is going on? Let's get Matt Rife in the new RoboCop movie. Let's do it. I want to look at those lips. I watched RoboCop trying to get pussy too. Got jacked off by a maybe former exotic dancer. Damn, that put Detroit on the map back then. Dude, the bad guy in RoboCop, the dad from that 70s show.

That guy's great. Terrifying guy. That's a fucking, who's, it's like a really good director who did RoboCop. He did like Basic Instinct and shit. Yeah, I know exactly who it is. He like elevates those movies, that guy. He also did Starship Troopers. Verhoeven, Verhoeven, right?

Yeah, they're all way better than you think they're going to be. Well, he actually, it's art. He's making, he's saying something. And he's like, Starship Troopers is such incredible satire. Right. That it's like, they're just, you know, you have to be stupid. Like, people are like, whoa, this is like, are these Nazi illusions? It's like, yes.

That's the whole fucking point well he everyone is a fight they're bad he ups the gore too and he ups the tits he always gets both of those in there like robocop we had a lot of pushback like because it is dark i saw it as a little kid just expecting it to be like a fun movie and i remember the kid being like what the fuck is i saw it on tv as a kid so i got all the oh yeah out but yeah dude i'm i am all on my fucking my uh action movie shit i can't wait to um the special comes out or it's out it's out oh hey congrats yeah fat rascal and uh i i i'm doing like a little promo run but once that's over i'm literally just get like doing a month where I'm watching some good movies,

but also just like I really want to get my action movie shit down. It's just in my head where I just want to write a really dumb script. Yeah. You know what I mean? I just saw Napoleon. Is it good? And the reviews are horrible. I enjoyed it.

Yeah, I saw Shane. Shane tweeted it was great. I loved it. I don't know. I liked it. Who is the director? Ridley Scott. Dude.

85. Ridley rules, dude. 86. Ridley rules. He's great. And he's already getting clapbacky with the interviewers. Like, oh, it wasn't great. He's like, fuck you, and I will be, that is a good day, or whatever.

He's a sir. Good, good. No, I want to watch that. I watched Killers of the flower moon obviously and i watched the killer which is fincher is that i liked it very good i liked it very good people say it's not good or fucking that's a bad audience score for uh well it's also what is it a three hour it's 243 40 i mean i i haven't seen it i these movies do get a little and this is coming from guy who loves the stupidest action movies they get a little, and this is coming from a guy who loves the stupidest action movies. They get a little formulaic, kind of like the music biopics where it's like, okay, we know what's going to fucking happen.

Right, right. So I could see that maybe being part of it, but it's like, Napoleon just had such an incredible story. Yeah, insane. To try and do a movie about his whole life is kind of fucking that's not six hours long you need three I just watched I just watched a doc it's on YouTube

it's like a PBS doc on him but it's like four parts but it's really cool and uh it's just funny like you really think about the amount of people he got killed

oh yeah in that last one of the last battles he brings 600,000 people with him into Russia and he comes back with 90,000 Jesus Christ

he got 510,000 people killed. And that's just one battle. That's one battle. And then he goes- But that's his biggest fuck up, right? We all get one. Well, he had Waterloo. I made a mistake.

Yeah. Yeah. But he goes back and then, and of course, like all these, all the French people turn on him and, you know, they have a new emperor come in. Yeah. But then the new emperor sucks so much that like, it's that classic movie thing where like he comes back and everyone like starts applauding him yeah no matter what people they do forgive you yes yeah he well what's cool back then is they put you on an island they exiled you it wasn't like kill him or put him in prison just like put

him over there yeah we should have done that with epstein but they put him on an island twice he kept coming back and he was like i love this country and they were like all right get in here how boring an island has to be after you're just used to oh you love war the emperor totally yeah yeah good movie it is so what i my blind spot with history is that i just don't understand when shit happened in relation to other shit like everything just feels like its own yeah that's true if you didn't tell me what years napoleon was in charge of france i would not be able i think it's like late 1700s early no earlier that's close i think it's like

early 1800s he got exiled in 1815 but it's crazy thing that america was all going on like 1777 that's why we got fucking new orleans they're so busy killing fucking trying to kill russians to sell off new orleans yeah exactly he needed money yeah he needed money you don't think about colonization but you're like man that's why vietnamese sandwiches are so good so we got that bread totally oh the food bread the food's the best part of colonization yeah you know that the uh the slaves and the women. Really take that for granted. Yeah, the gruel the slaves get served. I'm sure they would say the same thing. All for some douche on TikTok to be like, the bread is really good.

Yeah. But not to sound like a boomer, cum-guzzling weirdo, but I will say it's fun to be in a movie theater and see horses and swords and castles because it's just like i watch tick tock all day it's fun to see an epic production value yes they don't make movies like that anymore ridley scott's a fucking legend legend you have to be that's exactly what it is where it's like you have to have ridley scott a legend you have to have joaquin phoenix yeah even that i bet you they fought them on like the scope of this because oh yeah because i'm sure this is much more

expensive than a fucking superhero movie. It's tanky. I think it's tanky. It is. It's definitely tanky. It's not making money. You've got to fucking watch it. You've got to root for these movies to do well just so they keep making movies.

I know. Well, I mean, the good thing is I saw, I think this was like Disney's first year without a billion-dollar movie in a long time. I saw that. Yeah, they're really plummeting. Which is great. I hope that keeps happening because then it's like we have to make actual shit

yes like quality because if the formula of the most we only make billion dollar movies or we make like movies that cost a half a million dollars if if that's still the formula then it's going to be so hard even though i think it's fine i think we could i'm fine if that's what happens like from a personal standpoint it's like fuck it we'll make independent movies i made like a little i made a a small movie that hopefully is gonna you know hopefully it's gonna go into like festivals and shit like that um like we i think comedians would be able to do it because the way you get around that is good writing is like sharp yes like funny shit that doesn't need big big things like that but it's like i like a nice mid-tier drama i love those movies that are like 20 million dollars they cost 10 million dollars not everything has to either

cost like fucking you know like you saw the indiana jones or whatever oh yeah yeah however much it cost to make and it was like that was kind of like the best example of like, who wants this? Exactly. Harrison Ford doesn't want it. Yeah. He clearly doesn't. Didn't want to do any of this. He's pushing 80.

Yeah, exactly. At a certain point, and I love Harrison Ford. And he's a dude we left off like action stars. You got fucking Blade Runner. You got Star Wars, Indiana Jones. But like. Yeah, that's a good point. Air Force One's a fucking classic.

The Fugitive. Fugitive's incredible. That's a great fucking movie. Great movie. He's a very interesting... He's a really interesting guy to talk about because it's like you wouldn't just think about him as an action hero. That's true.

But Indiana Jones, I mean, the first... Star Wars. Star Wars, yeah, exactly. Yeah, Patriot Games. First one's so fucking good. I guess he's a little in the... These are really genre movies that are so big that they kind of crossed over, but yeah. Blade Runner, yeah.

What I love about Harrison Ford, you ever hear those stories of him going to Comic-Con and they're like, Han Solo, and he's like, go home. What the fuck is wrong with you? Go get laid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's awesome. He's just been famous for so long that he just hates his fans. Yeah. Still got the earring, which I don't love.

I love it. I'm going to go earring soon. You're going to get the look? Yeah. I think so. I've decided. I'm going away for like four months, and I'm going to come back looking hilarious. I'm not telling you guys anything else.

Wait, what is now? I'm tired of taking my appearance so serious, guys. It's a prison having to look like this. It's a prison. Having to look so clean cut. The upkeep, the maintenance. But yeah, I don't know. I got a couple ideas.

I don't want to spoil them. All right. Where are you going to go? Greece? I bought a place in Baltimore that's just like, you know, I'm going to chill there for a little bit, you know. Hell yeah. And then who knows? I don't know.

I'm just going to take a little time off. You should tape reinventing yourself. Oh, yeah. Like a YouTube channel or something. That's a good idea. Salacuse, hello. Oh, yeah, yeah. Got work for you.

Salacuse was with me for four months. Yeah. I would probably strangle Matt if I had to see him in four months. Oh, God. Yeah. He's the man. He's the man. Can you imagine just that camera?

You're having a bad day. You wake up, and he's like, so, what are you thinking for breakfast? Yeah. I told him I opened for Jimmy Carr at Carnegie Hall. Salakius, I snuck him in. You know, he's in the bowels of Carnegie Hall Hiding like a rat in a broom closet He's got a Hawaiian shirt on And a giant rig on his back

He's like alright I'm gonna put a gimbal in your front pocket We'll get a full shot of the audience Then I'm gonna lobby up under your shirt And I was like alright alright great And I go out there and he goes We shoot we do the set it goes great I come back I'm like this is gonna be some great footage We go to a diner we get some pancakes we check it

Gimbal never was turned on then then i go well at least we got the audio that battery died a bunch ago we got nothing out of it so i snuck this guy in i risked it all just to get nothing well at least you get you know a lot of opportunities to play carnegie hall yeah this is a one take j, and he fucked it. Oh, my God. That's so funny. Classic. I should have gone with you.

I was so fucking tired, and I was going to Australia in like a day. Oh, yeah. That's true. Australia is brutal. That trip's fucking brutal. That's a long flight. Yeah. You know, it's not even like, I mean, obviously we love Sal,

because we love busting his balls, but it's like there is something about, I'm just tired of being taped constantly. Of course it's like we're fucking like you're literally complaining about that with three cameras i know i know but it's a lot i know but at least we're good enough friends where i don't really give a fuck where it's like this is pleasant yeah it's like you know and again it's like if you're doing it for a reason like i'm gonna go promote the special i'm excited to do a couple of you know big shows it's gonna be fun like that's part of the job but it's like you know it's it like even when we were just talking about it's like part of me is like yeah it would be good content to fucking i know but it's also he just said it i would rather i need you know it's just

like that's not the it doesn't count as relaxing certain exactly if a camera's on it's not you're you're working you're working working. You're working. I like the comedians coming up had like a mystique to them. Yes. It's all gone. I feel like we're now like,

you don't know everything. I mean, I think about it now. Like if there was like Rogan in the 70s with Dangerfield, he'd be like on there talking about Watergate

and shit for three hours. That's hilarious. I don't really buy the golfer tongue kid. I think there's something fishy going on. I mean, it's just like we all talk so much and it's like every angle now.

Yeah, exactly. Why do we have to weigh in on like, you know, international politics? Yeah, exactly. It's like, yeah, I have let's just say I share certain proclivities with Rodney Dangerfield. And it's like, just to be a fat, drug-addled whoremonger, you don't really want that guy's fucking taste. Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? I'll tell you what they should do in Ukraine. Yeah, you're right. I never thought about it. Like Bob Newhart is talking about Netanyahu. We don't do that. It's weird. Be a comedian.

Go be funny. I heard Judd made a good Newhart Rickles doc, too, now. All these comedy docs. Touching. Touching trailer. Rickles is just the cool. What is the Rickles? You know the classic Rickles Sinatra joke?

Of course. There's that one, and there's a two. The one I love is when he's just like, you know, Sinatra saved my life, you know. You know, a bunch of guys were beating me up and Frank came over and said, enough. Yeah. I've never heard that one.

I mean, that's like a classic. He has so many classics. I love his in Casino the behind the scenes where he's just busting De Niro. Yes, yes. They paid you fucking $10 million. You can't remember the lines where he's just busting De Niro. Yes, yes. And he's like, come on, they paid you fucking $10 million. You can't remember the lines? You need fucking cue cards?

Come on, just say it fast. Let's get the fuck out of here. And De Niro's just laughing. Yeah, yeah. Him and Dirty Work, they just let him go. I just rewatched that, and that scene is insane. It's insane. The jokes are one thing, but then when he just gets to Artie Lang's stomach,

he goes, hello, ice cream, having fun in there? To his stomach? It's like like what a weird amazing insult and it's weirdly clean and wholesome somehow yeah you know he's not like you fat piece of shit he's like hey ice cream yeah yeah he goes from a baby gorilla yes yes that's good stuff how was australia we never heard about it i mean it's the trip are we there i wasn't there long i did a couple days in uh brisbane a couple days in uh melbourne adelaide baby brisvegas yeah i will say without question they were the worst crowd yeah and they knew it they knew it animals that's a road room but then uh yeah melbourne was incredible i popped into a bar dude you would love this i i had like a night off in Melbourne and I was like, I'm just going to go to a bar and get drunk by myself.

Fuck it. I had a tour manager there, but I'm like, nah, if you need anything, I'm like, no, be with your daughter. I'll handle this. I find a bar called Nick and Nora's, like old school noir. The whole menu is like femme fatale cocktails, hard boiled detective cocktails, which I don't think hard-boiled detectives were drinking these. Like pointy-toity. But they were dude. It was like, we got to recreate this drink on this pod in a holiday app.

It's called the, it's like a brown butter old-fashioned. It's made with rum. And it tastes like butterscotch, but it's an old-fashioned. It's fucking insane. Yeah. Pet a kangaroo. Yeah, you got to do it. Did the classic stuff. saw our old buddy james

smith in sydney james smith the man did you ever did you ever know james i don't think so very funny australian guy moved back to sydney he was like one of the seller guys in that in that crew back in the day australian guy tall great head of hair ball buster like why'd he fucking why'd he move back he's sick but he i still remember he was just a shit talker i still remember so funny we were left gotham once and it was the rain and i saw these four women waiting for a cab and i just watched him sneak in front of them steal their cab slam the door in their face and i watched him laughing as the cab pulled away he was like that he was hilarious yeah yeah he was just such an asshole in a

beautiful way he pulled it off somehow because he was also he had a sweetness to him too and he was obsessed with comedy obsessed so he opens for like chris rock whenever they go out there and all that but i was in a cab with him once we went to a house party and it sucked and he's like why the fuck would you take me here mate this is dead and he's like let me take you to a proper bar i can't do the accent but we're i can't do australian but uh we get into this cab and you know we're hammered it's two in the morning and we head to uh a bar and the driver smelled like a horrific bo yeah and he was like why don't you take a shower it's coming through the glass. The guy's like, fuck you. Fuck you. It didn't faze him at all. He's just telling a guy, you smell like shit.

There was a night at the cellar when Chris Tucker dropped in. And they were like, he's going to bump you. And James said, no. And they were like, he goes, I'm not going to. He's a movie star. He's not a real comic. I won't do it. And Noam goes, I'm not going to tell a guy who makes $10 million a movie that he can't go on stage here.

And James goes, I'll tell him. Oh. He got bumped. But he did. He did say. I mean, to his credit. But he didn't do it with class. But he did it kicking and screaming.

He made a. I respect him. He was like a purist. And his bits were really good. Great jokes. Very funny. You would have really liked it. No, I his bits were really good. Great jokes. Very funny. You would have really liked it. No, I missed it.

Yeah, he must have, because I got here nine years ago, I think, eight years ago. His comedy seller recs were Greg Giraldo and Colin Quinn. No way. Wow. That's nice. Pretty good. Yeah. No, that's awesome.

Yeah, that's a fucking brutal flight. I mean, you were only there for how many days? Not a long time. I got very lucky on the way back because I had one of those lay flat seats, thank God. And I was like, you know, I'm looking. It's 11.30 p.m. in New York. Two muscle relaxers, glass of wine. Slept the whole time?

I tried. But when I get on the flight, there's a lady, must have been an insanely rich woman. She's with her husband, her baby who's teething. The baby will not stop screaming. She's right behind me. I'm like, dude, her baby who's teething. The baby will not stop screaming. She's right behind me. I'm like, dude, I bought this. Yeah, right. You should be able to legit drug a baby on a flight.

Just hit it with one of these. She's picking it up. He's like, don't. I drug him. She's like, he's not breathing. I fucking boomerang He's like I drug him She's like He's not breathing I'm like it's okay I'm just gonna take a nap

Yeah he'll be fine He'll be fine Yeah so she's She's like Hey my nanny is back there She has two nannies with her In first class Gee

In first class Yeah which is like Hilarious And she goes Do you wanna Cause my baby is so loud I've never heard a person Be considerate like this

Yeah yeah yeah I also It helps that she's insanely rich Of course She goes Do my uh nanny and i was like yes it's behind a barricade it's still a lay flat she says the same thing that the woman said next to me i slept like a baby what a nice lady considerate lady huge yeah i mean if you have two nannies yeah it's probably like yeah you're doing all right yeah two, yeah. Two nannies, too. That's insane. But then I almost missed the connect. I had to connect in LAX, and I almost pulled a fucking cigar at that airport. I'll tell you.

I'll tell you. No, they were. Dude, you have to recheck your bag, you know, international. I hate that shit. And then you have to re-go through security, no pre-check. I was drenched in sweat. No pre-check. I know.

Brutal. I almost missed the flight. The guy, as I'm waiting for my bag, the guy's like, oh, you shouldn't. They shouldn't have let you do this. You're fucked. And I'm like, fuck you. Damn. But I made it. I made it by an eyelash.

Good for you. Yeah. Why do they do that with a close connection like that? It happens every time. I'm always running through an airport for a connection. It's always American Airlines for me, but I don't know. Yeah. Yeah.

You don't want to be the guys complaining about air travel with no pre-check. You don't even like flying first class. I know. I know. We got to speed forward to the next topic. Yeah. We don't want to be the guys complaining about air travel with no pre-check. You know what I mean? Like flying first class. I know. We got to speed forward to the next topic. Yeah. Let me just say this. You're right.

Well, I sounded out of touch there. I'm sorry. I was grateful on the other one, though. Yeah, you know, these lay flat seats, you can get so fat, even those aren't that comfortable. Some obese guy in a Southwest middle seat hearing me say that wants to kill me. You're talking to the flight attendant? This filet mignon's not that good. Just not.

Right. I said brown butter, old-fashioned? Thank you. Speaking of being filmed too much, so I saw Keith Robinson last night at the VU, and he's got some great new stuff. He's got a special coming on Netflix. Can't wait to see that. I don't know when.

I think Keith is taping December 19th, and Rachel Feinstein is taping December 18th. Oh, hell yeah. You should go to both of them. They're both- And JP McDade is taping, when is it, Eldridge? Oh, nice. December 17th. Three straight days, guys.

17th, 18th, 19th. Hell yeah. Three killer specials. If you're a fucking weird comedy fan, that is actually an awesome long weekend for sure. Hell yeah. We're producing JP's special. Sorry. Plugs on plugs.

And of course, Fat Rascal out on Netflix now, folks. There you go. Netflix has been killing it. Like you, Barbossa, what's her face? Shang Wang. Rachel's getting one. Keith. Shane as well, yeah and uh i produced

dina hashem's special which is on amazon right now dark little whispers so check that out there you go jokes uh but yeah so keith is on stage his new shit's amazing he has two strokes for the folks at home she's got incredible jokes incredible stroke material and there's a guy in the front row who has had a stroke and it's a worse stroke than his. Like, Keith can be like, how you doing? Whatever. This guy's like, you're so funny. I mean, I hate to do the voice.

I can't do accents. It's as good as your Australian. Well, they sound similar. No. Can you move your left side? No. And the next comedian had down syndrome and there was a guy

in the front row with even worse down syndrome. Mark, take it away. No. He was black and was saying the N-word too, by the way. Mark?

All right. Just put a picture of Shane Gillis. All right. So this guy's in the front row, and he's dying laughing at Keith. You know, we always talk about representation. That is representation right in front of you. So then Keith goes, what the fuck?

You had a stroke? And he goes, I had a stroke. And he goes, you trying to out-stroke me? And the place is going apeshit. And then Keith grabs the guy's cane and he goes you got a cane you got props you know he's doing the whole thing and it was gold it was just murdering murdering stroke on stroke crime and then he gets off and i was like keith that was incredible you got to get that video and he goes your content there you go then i opened the door for him

yeah yeah as he was walking out i talked to him for a while last night. He goes, I got one more hour in me after this. Yeah. I saw him years ago before even the stroke. And he goes, one more Avenger movie and I'm good. So I just grabbed him. I was like, all right. That's awesome.

Still young, too. I know. I know. But I respect that. Young, but seems older. He's just been around forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I respect that. Young, but seems older than... He's just been around forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yeah, Keith Robinson is like a classic. So fucking funny. So funny. Yeah, we want to get him on here, but I don't know. With the voice, it's like having RFK Jr. There's a clip of Keith losing Star Search in like 92. Oh, that's a classic. Dude, it's incredible.

It's like some skinny white guy just jumps up and is like, yes, yes, here's Keith like 92. Oh, that's a classic. Dude, it's incredible. It's like some skinny white guy just like jumps up and like, yes, yes. Here's to Keith like this. Just so angry. You can pull it up. It's like short. It's like fucking hilarious. I think Chappelle won this as well. Chappelle beat Kevin Brennan.

Oh, man. I mean, both had killer sets. I mean, like, you know, it's like 19-year-old Chappelle, and he does a fucking... 93. Look how cute. He looks like Martin Lawrence. Oh, that guy's been in stuff. Oh, wow.

That's crazy. The pump is crazy. Look at that shirt. It's amazing that someone just posted that. I know. Hold on. Let me see this again oh man poor keith that's awesome i feel like everyone was on that show back in the day norm was on it too yeah but that was back then when there's like three outlets you had carson star search and maybe an hbo something or other Night Stand. Yeah. Or what was that other one on A&E?

Oh, yes. Improv. Evening at the Improv. Evening at the Improv. Yeah. I think, didn't Caroline's have something? Oh, yeah. Maybe.

It was still in the fucking West Side. Yeah. It looked weird. Yeah. It looked like Caroline's, but yeah. Now, because the internet is bittersweet. We bitch about it, but it's like, there's no gatekeepers. There's too much content.

We've got to be filmed all the time. But you're also like, I can just put shit up. Oh, absolutely. And not think about it but it's like there's no gatekeepers there's too much content we got to be filmed all the time but you're also like i can just put shit up oh and not think about it you kidding me that's the thing it's like there has to be some kind of all i'm saying is there has to be a balance right like yeah like it is awesome truly i mean i've talked about before the only what changed my career was just posting on instagram there you go it was like it was literally posting videos. Yeah. There was no big break.

There was just slowly, at one day, people started coming up to me and I would like, like, you know, I would get like a, like there'd be some guy who was pale

and couldn't make eye contact and I was like, come down, fan, right? That would happen to me and I'd be like, what's up, dude? Yeah, hell yeah, dude. Thanks for listening.

Yeah. And that would happen from time to time, but one day, it just like, you know, I know i remember that mom came up to me wow nice like like a nice black lady on like a it was in vegas on like some kind of like work trip and she's like hey i'm a really like your comedy and i was with my buddy ben and he was like what the fuck was that it's just like a nice black mom yeah i was like what yeah you went from here to here i remember that you were posting every day for a year weird dude but yeah so i

can't complain about that but i'm just like random people find you it's kind of cool i i people sometimes will like stop me on the street and it's the weirdest it's like so not the type of guy i am but i'm still appreciative like a guy stopped me on the street that didn't even stop me just walks by me and i see him like lock eyes with me and he just goes. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like that's not the type of guy I am like this. But, you know, I appreciated it.

My favorite is when it's people you have. You're like, really? Yes. Yes. I was at the Pittsburgh Improv and there was just like it felt like a couple that was both freshly divorced. And they were back to acting like 20 year olds where they're just like just where they're just like this maybe late 40s, early 50s white couple that's just making out and shitting all over each other. And it's like, hell yeah, dude.

Some guy with just Cialis running through his fucking system is just him and his lady fucking put on their best Kohl's outfit and came out to fucking see me call people gay in the front row well you you bring out a sexual energy people see you and they get turned on like i'm serious you have like a naughty nastiness about you confidence a swagger yeah i mean the opening of the special is hilarious where you you have a woman being like you were the best yeah oh really i tried to do a little because i i love like it's the best. Yeah, yeah. Oh, really? I tried to do a little, because I love, like those like sketches are a classic thing in stand-up

where it's like I was of two minds where it's like these just aren't funny most of the time. Sure. But there is something awesome about it feeling like a special when there's a sketch. So I just like did a very, I was just like, it's got to be short, but it's just like, you know, it's like I think it's a minute long.

You played it perfectly. It was perfect. It was your vibe. It was hilarious. The special is killer. I'm proud of it. I know you will watch it, but watch it. It's fucking hilarious.

Well, between us, I was at the New York Comedy Club the other day. I was in the green room, and I was with seven female comics randomly. They were talking about who's hot, who the hot comics are. Your name came up, and you did surprisingly about who's hot, like who the hot comics are, and your name came up, and you did surprisingly well. They were like, something about him. I mean, he's hideous, but he's got this, like, swagger. Those are exact words, Mark.

But no, you've got a musk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all pheromones. Yes, yes. You can smell it. I picked you with two thighs and your glasses askew and you're just munching. That is, that's the dream scenario. Chicken thighs.

Yeah. I did have some yesterday. Hey, that's the best part of the chicken, PS me. Absolutely. Thank you. Yes. Are you a jerk chicken guy? I'll get some jerk chicken.

I go crazy with jerk chicken. I live in Queens. I don't live in, like Brooklyn has more jerk chicken spots. I don't have, that's the one ethnic group, food group we don't really have in Astoria. Right. But I do like a jerk chicken for sure. Love it. Your Greek is number one, right?

I like a Peruvian chicken. That's great. Peruvians have a great spot in Astoria that I will not say because I need some things to myself. Right. But it is fucking awesome. And D.C. andimore have good peruvian chicken but yeah you know i'm all over the place i mean i was just we were just in uh like missouri had some fucking the the barbecue was great where missouri me up st louis and kansas city

and two of the two of the best barbecue oh yeah where do you go spitfire in st louis i don't i went i was in kansas city uh with caleb heron you guys know him who are funny i do i know the name he's funny he's a really he's a he's a young comic younger comic um but he lives he's from there and i think he lives there a split time between there and la and it was just like i i was considering like just getting some road bullshit like you know you find a place on the road that's a chain and you're like this is semi-healthy right i know what it is we we became yard house boys yard house boys i don't mind yard house it has a salad you know what i mean it's got like a nice salad yeah like a you get a steak bowl you can get a little something yep and if you want to be

slutty you can be slutty as well it's got it all right yeah we're gonna eat there and i tell caleb this and he's like if you don't if you eat at a chain and not barbecue i'll kill myself all right we're going do you remember where you went in kc elders what was do you remember oh that's a risk it was new but he he swore by okay he's this fellow plus size champion i get i get to match with gates and kc is pretty great i love gates but there's a fellow plus-size champion. I get trashed with him. Gates and Casey is pretty great. I love Gates. But there's a famous, like, gas station one. Yeah. And that's the one that everyone's like.

This place was fucking great. Yeah. But it fucked me up so, like, it's so funny, dude. It's like, it's the time is a flat circle thing. The last time I did this podcast, or maybe one of the last, I don't remember. But I was just talking about how, man, I got to get it together. I'm getting too fucking fat. And it's like, now I'm even fatter than I was just talking about how man I gotta get it together I'm getting too fucking fat and it's like now I'm even fatter than I was and I've had the same experiences like I was talking about how

fucked up I was in Philly in Kansas City I literally my I was so fucked up off barbecue I straight up was like a girl was like can I come over and fuck and i was like i'm kind of had too much barbecue that level of fat where i'm just like damn bro my dick would have been hilariously pathetic this girl would have been like fucking like massaging like silly putty oh man i just like i couldn't i couldn't put her through that yeah it going to take a lot of effort to get my dick going. Barbecue's got to be the worst. It's just meat and sugar. Yeah, sugar, fat, meat.

Yeah. It tires you out. It tires you out. It gets your blood thick. Yes, yes. You've got to eat it at noon because you need eight hours to digest and just sit there before the show. That's what happened. We had it early, but it still fucked my entire day.

Damn. And yeah, I'm just like. And then you think like, God, I can't do shows after too much because I don't stop. I have no willpower to stop. I have same. And I go hard on the sauces because they put those squeeze bottles on the table and I won't stop. It feels good.

It feels good to go fucking buck wild. It's lube. Casey is probably the best barbecue in america yeah it's fucking awesome i mean the barbecue i think good i mean the texas stuff is awesome that fucks me up big yeah that's heavy i get that big fucking dinosaur rib yes beef yes so good but it's like and by the way in texas you can, by the time, you can spend $140. I know. And you're like, this seems like a just, it's a little excessive, but it's not $140 worth of food. No. Agreed.

But they weigh it out and they fuck, you know. That's the other thing. It's like, you have to get there early for it to be good. Oh. Like, you have to get there, like, everyone has to get there at, like, 11. You have to line up at, like, 11. Yeah. It's like, that's your day, bro.

Right. You just decided you're fucked. Like, Franklin's in Austin, that line is insane. Yeah. That's exactly what I at like 11. Yeah. It's like, that's your day, bro? Right. You just decided you're fucked? Like Franklin's in Austin, that line is insane. Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking of. Stubs, yeah. But it's incredible. It's incredible. That brisket is like fucking butter.

But it's like fucking a hooker where you're like, this is great. And then after you're like, ooh. I know. That was a mistake. The second you bust. Yeah. That's what, when you're even considering considering and you jack off and you're like thank you yeah yes like i feel bad now yeah imagine how bad i felt thank god i went to sweet

green you know that's like a jerk off yeah jerk yes exactly it's just a nice fast casual lunch yeah yeah it's not the healthiest thing on sweet green you got extra dressing you had some bread yeah but it's not it's not it could be worse it could be a lot worse yeah yeah yeah the barbecue is i think that's the one thing i can't do on the road anymore like i'll i'll do it occasionally in those cities but like if if i have options i love a little greek i love a little like you know love greek uh you know mediter Mediterranean is a nice middle ground where it's just like meat, rice, a couple veggies. Yeah.

You're okay. It's not the worst. It's not the best, but you got your bases covered. I don't touch the pita. Yeah. Everything else, I mean, it's good to, I love the pita, but it's too much. I like to keep it, yeah, light. A little tzatziki.

Is that the one? Tzatziki, yep. Yeah. Stav makes a nice tzatziki. Oh, really? Hey, you got to come to Queens. All right. You got to come over to Astoria.

I am thinking about, I've told Sam this, and his dick keeps getting hard. I'm thinking about moving into the city next week. Whoa! Okay. I'll believe it when I see it. I don't want to be pushy, but I was with, I've seen a trainer now, and she's like, I'm like, you should see Stav. He's my friend.

People at this gym, I think they'll like you. Stav, you'll get a lot of high fives. Of course, of course. And she was gym, I think they'll like you. You'll get a lot of high fives. And she was like, let's send him a video. I was like, let's wait. But she said, if you want to come with me tomorrow, free session. Tomorrow. 10 a.m.

What are you kidding? Let's see how he gets out of this one. Press tomorrow at 10 a.m. Or I would have considered coming up with a different experience. But if you move down there, you should see her. She's awesome. We'd love to have you in the city because you've gotten more people to Astoria than the Mets. You know, you get them out there. You did to Astoria what Rogan did to Austin.

It's pretty annoying. We want you downtown. I'm thinking about it just to fucking do it. Just live near me, dude. Just to be a downtown boy. I just want to like kick it more i know it'd be awesome and the thing is like what we talk about this all the time where it's like what's the point of like working so hard if you don't ever get to enjoy shit like i love my

apartment but it is the apartment i moved to when i had no money right but now you do have it to yourself i have it to myself that's true not really i have it to the fucking podcast ah yeah it's like two of the three bedrooms are podcast studio and office. Right. You know what I mean? It's more office than it is my fucking... I feel more like a Japanese businessman. He has to fucking sleep or else, you know, it's possible.

Your bed is on the floor. It's low, but there's a... I put a little wood. Oh, okay, okay. Do you like shitting where you eat, though? That's got to be like a little weird. No, I don't like it. It's too much.

Yeah, it's weird, right? Yeah. I like that we come here, and it's like a different place than where I live. And even the Are You Garbage guys have a great- Beautiful. Love it. I'm just like, we should do something like this. And it's like, even if I don't do it forever, it's like a couple years.

Because I'm going to be off the road most of next year so really i want to actually enjoy new york i actually want to live here and i actually want like i'll probably do like you know local stuff i might do like residencies and work on material that way but i just i gotta fucking chill for a little bit and i figure if i'm gonna be in new york my goal is just be here spring and fall and just enjoy new york in the spring and fall is the best city oh fucking world amazing so if i could just get a sick apartment that is unsustainable because i don't like i don't spend money on anything yeah i really don't so i just get like the fucking sickest place

of all time and just enjoy it for a year or two and then totally what happens after that um i agree if you're paying the taxes you might as well live in the city. Exactly. That is true. Yeah. I'm paying the taxes and I'm living like a Baltimore life quality. Yeah. Which I do love Astoria, but man. Whenever you go through your taxes, you're just like, so this is why people leave New York.

I know. It's really crazy. Yeah. This is the first year I've been rich and I'm like, damn. Yeah. It sucks. It sucks. Because Shane showed me the difference and I was like, oh, I get it now.

He's like, I don't want to move to Texas, but like. You better not fucking move to Texas. I'm not moving to Texas. Both of you. I'm trying to get this guy to the fucking village. You move to Texas, I'll kill myself. No, no, no. I'm not going anywhere.

But it was like jarring. Oh, my God. That's a big number. I mean, look. I love visiting Texas. Living in Texas. No, no. Same.

I love visiting. It's a great place. It in Texas. No, no. Same. I love visiting. It's a great place. It's hot. It's too hot in the summer. It would be great if you could just live there. Dude, I really did the math where I was like, damn, maybe I should move. But then it's like, if you're on the road in the winter, which is when the best tour, that's when ticket sales are the best, people come out in the winter the most.

True. And then you have your summers off. That's when the road is the worst, right? Yeah, yeah. You want to spend it. You want to leave when Texas is the best and then have to stay there when it's 125 fucking degrees. Yeah. Like, it is unbearable.

Anyway, whatever. Who gives a fuck? No, no, no. I'm with you. I love New York. I do just love New York. And I just, sometimes you just feel like, yeah, this is where, you know. The choice has been made for all of us, I feel like. Could you imagine any of us not living here?

It would be weird. It would be weird. And every time I leave. He's barely. Oh, yeah. He can't function. He can't drive. He needs a bodega.

He can't put in a Volkswagen Jetta in the suburbs. Yeah. You know that Japanese show where they have the toddlers going to run errands? Do that with Sam in fucking Kansas. That's a great show. And see what happens to him. run errands do that with sam and fucking kansas that's a great show that's great sam with no help do a return at a target in the suburbs i haven't had a coffee me waiting for an uber in omaha i'm like oh come on 20 minutes yeah no dude it's brutal it's uh i i'm i can't function here if you guys left, I'd be fucking sad.

Right. Yeah. No, I get it. I get that New York is one of the most unlivable places ever. It's the best, but it is the best. It's the best. I love it. Yeah.

It fucks you in weird ways. You know when you go on the road, you have a great time. You're like, that was an awesome trip, great club, great crowd, and you get back, and you land at JFK or whatever, and's just just jizz hitting you in the face you know you're like i can't get an uber the lines are great i just got bumped somebody called me an asshole i'm stuck in gridlock traffic on the bqe like fuck this city but but if that's the thing it's like again we love it and it's like what's the point of working and like we all got so lucky to get rich what's the point of doing that and not living somewhere else?

Because New York is a lot easier rich, dude. It's a lot easier. Remember how horrible it used to be? Totally. Almost every annoying thing, if you spend $150, can be fixed. Right, right. And it's like back when you didn't have that, that was bull. I remember fucking the train.

I mean, I live in the same apartment. i've taken the train like 10 times this year really i'm in astoria so it's like i'll just drive places oh yeah yeah back in the day it's like oh yeah sorry the train from the cellar to astoria that's crazy at fucking 1 a.m yeah it'd be like all right well we're actually going to the end of four we're going to forest hills then you have to turn around yeah yeah right great oh i remember going on the train with my laundry and then going to a laundromat and then waiting and the whole thing took like nine hours that doesn't even make sense to me why there's not a laundromat walking distance not where i lived no i also got bed bugs and bushwick and my friends like what are you gonna do and i was like i'll probably just live with them you know i just had to i wrote it out i'll just have bed bugs i couldn't afford an exterminator i couldn't afford to move so i just had bed bugs i remember brooklyn for like for like

a year i didn't have the l train and that was my only train home and i was like oh yeah that was insane living in brooklyn's hilarious that's how much of a New York Jew you are. You being in Brooklyn, I'm like, Jesus Christ. Is that okay? That's true. That was a different time. You had those two lady roommates. I remember. I slept.

I crashed on that couch a few times. And we watched a whole season of Eastbound and Down when you were hungover. Oh, yeah. That's awesome. I could barely move. You brought me a smoothie, which I still appreciate. I have a lot of sympathy for anyone with a hangover. Oh, yeah.

It was after the Christmas party. Oh. I remember, it's so funny that I don't react to it. I'm just like. That was no joke, folks. Sorry. You couldn't have leaned the other way? I'm the guest here, you man.

I know. Usually you do put it on me. It felt like a righty. I don't know why. That is really. Why are you so gassy? What is it? I don't know. What did you have yesterday for food?

Me and a friend went to Frankie. Little Frankie's at Pasta Joint on Eastside or East Village. Yes. Killer. I think I'm just getting all the carbs out. I think it was good. Very nice. Underrated Italian joint.

That is a fucking bad far mark. Woo! Doggy. That's not a good... Oh, we got Febreze. Nice. Well played. You went on Amazon and ordered Febreze because of this fucking guy's asshole.

That's for me. There you go. We both got a problem. You need a more absorbent couch. And it really bounces. This is a bounce, dude. You need to cut out a cloth section for Mark's ass. That's not bad.

Remember when you were smoking weed in college, you would put, like, fucking dryer sheets in it? Yes, yes. And a brown paper towel holder? You need to start spoofing your own farts. You can put a little mic in there so it picks it up. And then fucking Febreze comes out, dude. That's pretty good.

We might invent an instrument doing that. Yeah, fart spoof. That's like a, it is a pasta fart i smell it yeah yeah you smell the oregano i had muscles too that ain't pretty muscle that's where the fishiness comes in i fucking love muscles a little umami a little umami in that um nice pasta maybe i'll have a little fucking pot you know i might get some tacos after this baby in a story or you got a place here that's good yeah that my friend keeps telling me about that i haven't gone to it popped up on my google maps i was coming here it knows yeah yeah yeah do you guys ever do ways i used to be a ways guy when i drove all the because i mean in balt for

the first five years of the comedy, I was in Baltimore, but I went to D.C. pretty much every night. Really? Yeah, yeah, because the scene was better. And I was... When Waze first came out, I was a Waze believer. Yeah. And I think Google ended up buying Waze.

Oh, okay. So it ended up being the same shit. But sometimes Waze will have you doing some bullshit. That's true. It'll have you cutting through an alley or trying to... Right. It'll give you the absolute best case scenario where it's like, well, if you can make this left on a fucking eight lane highway, you'll save three minutes. Awesome.

And then you get there and it's like, oh, I'm fucked. Yeah. I'm here in 15 minutes. Is that the one that tells you if cops are nearby? Yes. That I like. That's pretty cool. That I like.

And then people help you. They'll be like, watch out. There's a speed trap up here. You wow that's pretty nice i enjoyed and i did it for that purpose where i was like i felt like i was one of the good guys which is like warning you about the traps and like the cops and shit but it was also very unsafe because you're like typing in while you're driving you're like cop on the right side oh yeah good point it was very unsafe yeah then someone's like guy wrecked who was trying to help you know on the right it probably if you're drinking and driving that's probably what you use right oh yeah good point um yeah i don't know you ever have the guy in like an uber

you're kind of cutting it close on a flight and he's like fuck this gps i know a better way that makes me so nervous yeah i'm like they might know a better way but they might not i don't know now we could just get stuck on a side street i know what you mean but that feels almost like that's almost like romantic to me at this point because every cabbie i've had for the last like 10 have asked me to put my address into ways yes i'm just like what is going on i hate that this feels wrong guys right right you're supposed to know the best way it's like a hooker going how do i blow you no come on you gotta this is your gig i know i could have done uber back in the day cabbies used to have to know the map like they'd have to study it and then take a test on it that's over yeah that's over i do kind of like i

mean some cities you go to you're just like this, this hotel, and they're like, on it. Yeah, that's nice. There's four fucking places to go. Right, right. But yeah, I'm with you. I land at Newark or whatever, I put my thing in, and I'm like, I do kind of miss them just knowing them. I know. And then you have to just fucking touch some guy's Android. Touch some fucking Jamaican Android.

Like jerk chicken. Yeah, jerk chicken. Jamaican Android alright speaking of food I got a peeve that is so specific that I can only do it with like a foodie here foodie is what he was thinking folks that's the word the F he was about to say um yeah all right so by the way when i whenever you gather like that and you don't fart i'm

shocked oh yeah he just did one of these i'm like wow that was the pump had some heat under me i had to let it loose yeah so this is a silly one this is a stingy cunty move of me. Also stingy I don't think is what you were thinking. But go ahead. So you ever go to, I love pho. Yes. Love a good pho. Great hung

over meal by the way. I might just have it. Fuck it. I haven't had it in a while. Yeah, it's great. And it just cleans you out. You're snotty. You're sweaty. It's great. But, hey hey we might be drunk. is brought to you by Manscaped. This Christmas, take care of those nuts. Manscaped has made sure your grooming is in check with a fresh launch just in time for the holidays. Their new performance package 5.0 includes the Lawn Mower 5.0, Ultra Body Trimmer, the Weed Whacker 2.0,

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That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code DRUNK, D-R-N-K. Happy holidays, you queefs. You ever have this one? You go order a bowl of pho. They bring out the, I love that little plate of the goodies. The herbs. The herbs. You get the basil, you get the bean

sprouts, you get the lime, and the jalapeno. Okay. We're all on the same page. They bring a little plate. It's the same every time I go with the wife. We get two bowls of pho, one plate to share. Crazy. Come on! I know what you're doing there

Vietnamese man. But you didn't, you must have asked for another plate. I couldn't do it. What? Mark, what is this? Well, I feel bad. I don't want to be the Karen or whatever, you know? You're not being a Karen.

I don't want him to pull out a phone and go, this motherfucker asked for... You're on the right side of history here. I thought so, but... Why can't you just ask that? It's a pretty basic... He's going to go where the inflation... I peep my friend being a pussy. I didn't want to push it. So on the opposite stop and i have had korean

food many a time absolutely and i do those little fixings they bring out i always ask for i love those really and i always ask for they here's a here's a i always ask for specific sauces at korean barbecue because they see white people come in and there's the bean sprout, the bean curd sauce, and the oil, the sesame oil. Oh, yeah. It's much more expensive. Sesame oil is expensive. Right.

It's really expensive. They don't automatically put it out there. Exactly. I ask immediately. I don't even let the fucking, I don't let the menus hit the table before I'm like, we're going to need a little sesame oil. And the other thing is, at least at the Korean place, when I do that, I feel like I've earned respect. Oh.

Korean respect. Right. Because I'm a round eye who knows sauces. Oh, right, right. You're knowledgeable. Yeah, yeah. And it's not racist to say that. It is racist for me to picture him calling you that. It's racist to do the math. And why did I say that? But saying it's not racist to say that. It is racist for me to picture him calling you that.

It's racist to do the math. Why did I say that? But saying it's not racist. It's the rare. You walk into like, here comes Kim Jong-un. Now that was racist. I'm just saying, when I go to these VTVs, I don't think Charlie likes giving up the condiments. How does this keep getting worse? I don't think Charlie likes giving up the condiments. How does this keep getting worse?

I don't even know. But, no, I really do think. Charlie doesn't like giving up the basil. That's all I'm saying. They try to divide it because they think I'm a round eye who doesn't know. I'm in your camp. He's a little camp at the end, too. But I do.

I will ask for the sauce. I want to be marked as a – even though I'm white, because I do – they're definitely an ethnic neighbor and ethnic restaurants. You will get – particularly, I feel like, Asian restaurants. You will get – it's a fight to get service. You're right. Like my mom, when I took her to – we took her to a Chinese place great place uh in chinatown my mom loves chinese food right food was incredible my mom hated it because my mom's away was a waitress for years and she was the waitress was rude as fuck you know what i mean oh yeah they just like toss the shit she's like hey she's like what do you want

what do you literally they're like what do you want yeah as soon as you get there there's no bedside manner tell them and then it's like you know shit comes out at weird times and my mom was just like couldn't couldn't appreciate it but i'm like no it's a fight to get the good food ma you can't this is what it's like right for actual i feel like jamaican places are the same way yeah there was a place in baltimore where it was just like they acted mad if you came in. Yes. If you think they're going to have everything, you're out of your mind. But I do like a little bit of humiliation.

I do too. Yeah. Really? A little bit. Here's the thing. That's how you know the food is good. That's the first they're fresh off the boat. The food is where it's all going to. It's like the sadomasochism of a meal. Where they're like, you little fucking twerp. That's he likes it he likes that i don't want to get my nuts crushed

by those by little house slippers but i um but i like it because it portends very good food right there's nothing That's the best. You want an ethnic restaurant that has no marketing. Yes. Has shitty plates and silverware. Yeah, nothing on the wall. They're not on Instagram. They're not on Instagram.

They're not fucking on TikTok. None of that shit. That's when it's good. There are plenty of, and that's how I feel about Greek restaurants too, where it's like something happens when the second generation takes over and it's over you know interesting then they start fucking you know putting edison bulbs up yes they start you know serving shit on a wooden plank right instead of like just fucking shitty semi-plastic plates exactly and it's like once that happens it's so and they start having good customer service they have good reviews the

best ethnic food you get has three and a half stars because oh people there are like hoity toity motherfuckers that come in don't like the fucking how rude they are yeah don't like that the bathroom is that's a great point you know what i mean it's like i don't give a fuck about any of that i want the fucking finest dish served to me yes tastiest shit of all time and that's what you get particularly i found particularly in most ethnic places i agree 100 it's almost like seeing a comic and you're at a theater and this guy's wearing a hoodie and some some hoity-toity person's like this guy can't even get dressed up for his own show and you're like no this guy's gonna be better than the guy this is david tell he looks like a janitor anything i fucking business cards yes yes exactly that's a

fucking hack that's a hack like same with the food you want the quality in the food not in everything else hates his audience yes exactly you know uh chinese some of the chinese in the fuck that place across the street here used to be the best oh it was good yeah it was like you get like shrimp with scrambled eggs, that type of Chinese place. Those fucking pork dumplings. I think cold weather food, for me, it doesn't get better than

Chinese or I love that Ukrainian Russian style food. Sure, love that. Food where culturally you're just used to freezing to death. Yes. And then they have these amazing soups. It makes sense. That's why that's the good shit. Yeah.ize might be what you want then they kind of split the difference what's that it's just kind of like thicker chinese for lack of a better oh really chinese and indian a little bit like those momo dumplings are fucking incredible i like that um

that's good stuff because again fucking mount everest you know what i mean like it's fucking cold yeah yeah we're just taking the good part of their culture yeah yeah yeah absolutely no i mean that's i love like a good borscht in the winter man a good fucking fucking cold yeah no i want it warm oh no no you can get a hot borscht oh i've never gotten a hot borscht the seller has it interesting it's very good guy oh big chunks of beef and carrots. It's great. Two peasants. Hello. Interesting.

I love it. For the winter. It reminds me of Greek peasant food. Ah. Because it's northern Greece. Like, you know, everybody thinks about, like, the islands in southern Greece. My grandma's from, like, such, so northern Greece that's, like, bordering, you know, the Balkans and shit like that.

Right. And that's kind of cold. And that shit is just, like, yeah. To me, it's a bunch of fucking soup. A bunch of bean soups, a bunch of tomato shit. Oh, bean soup. Really? What's like very, oh, you don't like lentil soup? Nah, I'm sick of it.

Every diner I go to and they go, I go, what's the soup of the day? I love a matzah. I love a chicken, noodle, rice, minestrone. They go, we got a Yankee bean or lentil. I'm like, should I just flip my wrist now? These are your options a yankee bean or lentil i'm like should i just flip my wrist now these are your options yankee bean or lentil i can't get hyped for a fucking chicken noodle because i just associate it with being sick yeah i love a chicken noodle when i'm sick but like that's what i get when i'm sick interesting yes i agree with that okay i honestly i need the place to be a soup

place for me to eat soup there okay because soup is if it's an afterthought right just water and a couple veggies that's true i need this to be your specialty got it like that's why even though is the definition of peasant food it's like just simmering bones for a long ass time but you go to a place they care about their broth yes their broth is like they slave over that shit. Yeah. I love ramen, same thing. Same shit.

That egg, the way they do those seasoned eggs. Ooh, baby. I want extra eggs, baby. Yeah. Yeah. I want to have five different meals after leaving here. I know. I want pho, ramen, and tacos.

So my lady loves to cook. She just bought a slow cooker. Ooh, better than the old name, tart cooker. But put that in my act. But that's the old term, tart cooker. But, put that in my act, but that's the old term. But, I mean, this thing's great.

You come home and the thing's steaming and you can smell like, ooh, she's got a minestrone going. Oh, there's a beef chili going and it's so exciting.

Chili, that's the good chili. Chili's good. The only problem is, you gotta, you know, in this fast-paced world, I'm like,

how long till the chili? She's like, you need another three hours. I'm like, God damn it. I get the whole black eye thing that's a matt rife joke can you believe how much trouble he got in for that um did you see i oh yeah well um it's not look the joke is whatever yeah not a strong. But it's also just people are looking.

Right. Right. Yes. When you rise like this, especially. And you look like that. Right. Right. And it's also like, you know, I haven't seen many of his crowd work stuff, but it's like,

you know, he cares about comedy. I get it. He probably works hard on his act, but it's not the strongest, you know, punch lines you're going to fucking. Sure. So it's like people are just trying to take it you know they're looking for something and it's like whenever you do a joke that is that with that subject matter this is my thing about freedom whenever this comes up with freedom of speech in general with comedy it's like it's not that you're not allowed to say

something it's that you have to make it good if you're gonna do something hard if you're taking one of these like open micers that want want to say the n-word it's like you're going to do something hard. True. If you're taking one of these, like, open micers that want to say the N-word. Yeah. You're not, almost no one should. No, I'm not going to say never because it's just like I'm, you know, philosophically opposed to saying you can never say something. Yeah, yeah. But almost no one should.

Of course. Almost no white person should say, you know, unless it's a really fun. Unless you're like really racist. Unless you've been canceled, you're trying to rebrand yeah on fox's streaming right fox nation yeah yeah yeah um but yeah so it's like that's my i think that's what people were upset about is just like look man it was just not a good it's it's some people would have been mad if it was the best a good it's it's some people would have been mad if it was the best joke of all time sure but then half of people wouldn't have and so the fact that it's he gets people that both want to come at him for comedy reasons and for like you

know tattletale you shouldn't say that reasons and together that's a very powerful force yes yes comedy nerds and like tattletales together and a lot of a lot of ladies who didn't love comedy maybe who just like his face i think that's the thing is like he brought in a lot of people who maybe weren't comedy fans right right and now they're just like we didn't sign up for that and we were like well we do that stuff all the time i know i don't talk about the jokes we beat women all the time no but uh i think you just think you just have to, like when you get that big, you're just going to get people popping in. Yeah. But it's also an opening joke.

That's true. Structurally, like start with something soft. Start with something like, you know what I mean? Yeah, I agree. But that's why people think he did it on purpose. That's like a big theory. Oh, what? agree but that's why people think he did it on purpose that's like a big theory what that he did on purpose to just kind of shed those ladies and show like i'm a i'm an edgy guy and now now that

i'll get dragged online i'll get some buzz interesting i don't know if he's that calculated he did the thing of like uh i'm just i'm just seeing if you guys are right right right it's like i would leave that off a special probably yeah yeah i've seen that done sure sure but that's true i guess that's that's one construction is like go hard up top but it's like that's hard to follow just from a structural standpoint true like that's why i always like look dick there you go it's all right a small smallie. Smally. His powers are getting weaker. I end with like sex stuff because it's like nothing can follow a girl.

No, no, no. You just can't. My closer right now is my closer because I can't follow it. Yeah, yeah. That's why it's my closer. There you go.

And I don't mean it's like a great, but it's just like it's that subject matter that would be hard to follow. Yeah, totally. And like I tried a little something different. Like for me,

my entire career has been like fat jokes are kind of the great. They're clean. They're a nice equalizer. Self-deprecating. Self-deprecating. You kind of get people on board. I wanted to do something a little different structurally this time

where I started with a little bit more like I'm not a big topical guy. You know what I mean? But I started with a little more like, you know, just kind of shitting on Austin city, you know, shitting on Austin, which then got into tech stuff and kind of shitting on a couple of things. And then I had and then I did a long story in the front of the special, which I always used to think like structurally should go at the end. And then I got the fat jokes in the middle and I close on big jokes. So it's like I get like I did that just to kind of fuck around, just to like try something different. Yeah. Like try and make yourself – try and like earn more skills and make that story funnier and snappier and make it so you don't lose people's attention.

I got to tell you, there's like a two-month period on the road where people were checking out. Really? But it's like – but it was too long. Yeah. Like that's why – You got to go through that i hadn't earned i hadn't earned enough buy-in yet and it was so i get i get playing around and maybe he was trying to do that structurally of like maybe i want to just do this but i think it's all of

that is the reason it was but yeah i don't think you know i don't think he deserved that much i mean whatever you know he'll be fine yeah he's gonna be going to be fine. Yeah. He's in a re-insperse. Yeah. It's also people, you don't get that white hot without cooling off a little bit for a minute. Yeah. Like, yeah, I think he'll be fine. But if he just had not done that special, I don't think any, like, I don't think, yeah, I don't know. I think they prepped that special. Oh, yeah. He just had not done that joke.

I think, I don't, maybe, there probably would be less buzz about the special. That's the theory. The Chappelle theory about the dress stuff. Right, right. That's the thing. I will give him credit in that it feels similar to those where it's like everybody's talking about it. Is everybody saying it's the best special they've ever seen in their lives? Yeah, yeah, right.

But from a pure number standpoint, everyone is talking about it. Can't argue with the no. But I did watch a few of the – because I'm like, well, I want to see how angry these ladies are. And what's fascinating to me is they'll be like, well, I like the guy. Now I hate him because he condones violence against women. You're like, whoa, condones? It's a joke about violence towards women. Where did you get the condoning thing?

But it goes – exactly. But it goes to Stav's theory. Like the jokes, when you go there, they have to be home runs. Right, right, right. And that's why people get in trouble normally from podcasts. Yes, yes. You're just talking. Structured, but when you bring that in a special,

and you go there, you want it to be an A joke. So you're fucked, round A. That whole thing, that's going gonna come back to haunt you no but you know he's also a young guy and i think and when you get this this you know heat i mean stand there's a reason most stand-ups pop later yeah true true true it just i think it takes time well it's so weird it's like my like we're talking about no gatekeepers it blows my mind when i see like a six-year comic and they have four hours on youtube i'm like what do you what are we doing here like first of all how do you have that much time secondly could it all be great is it all special

worthy i doubt it right take your time like just because youtube is there doesn't mean you have to use it anonymity is wildly underrated i've thought about this a lot right because like i was like damn these like young comics should not post this much. I know that's coming from all of us post constantly, and it's happened all of our careers. We've been around. We've been around, yeah, for sure. But I also think back to when I was 23, 24, I did think I should be on Comedy Central. Of course.

I did think I was ready for a half hour. Yep. So it's like I cringe, think like in a world where this was available to me. Yeah. I would be the same way. Of course. I'd be putting out things that were like dog shit with two good jokes. Yeah.

That are the two jokes. Like there's shit that I was doing when I was 23 that it's like honestly there's a joke on my on this special that i'd forgotten about that i that i was like oh that was the only good joke i wrote for probably four years yeah yeah hey it is good enough it turns out that was the one funny thing right but if youtube existed in this way when i was 24 that would be like in the middle of 38 minutes exactly exactly i completely agree with you guys i think about when we were like young it was kind of a privilege to fail in the shadows absolutely oh yeah we didn't realize and mark's right being anonymous is great i remember mike di stefano uh r.i.p yeah this guy so funny once tell me like he did like yep i do seven shows a night at ha

and no one fucking sees me yes i get to work on shit and i was like hmm that's yeah and and it it was always i remember he would pull me and joe mackie aside of the comic strip and be like it's good you guys are here every night and and you're trying shit and you're and like just get good before people see you totally and that's why i think people often wait to move to a city like new york now it's different with social media but back then that's how it was oh yeah that's how it was for me i mean i moved probably six years in i was 25 when i came 26 something like that you had great shit when you came yeah i remember meeting you i think i met you at a benefit of gotham yeah yeah yeah and i was like fuck this guy's got really good shit. I remember that. It's always shocking when you see someone new and their stuff is so home.

But I remember the early Stav joke of the ladies, I won't fuck you well, but the breakfast. Yeah, yeah. The breakfast the next morning. When I featured for Bobby, I fucked five, six just pieces of trash with that joke. Yeah. I was excited. It's the reason they fucked me. just pieces of trash with that joke yeah you know you know Boston mom yeah girls fresh out of pill rehab I hop should throw you a bone like thank you for that breakfast joke no but I think I heard

Burr once refer to it like as like if Robert De Niro would post his early acting auditions. And it's a good comp, but it's tough. I mean, what are you going to do? You want to make a career out of this? I don't begrudge him. Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

And I also think there is something to there's so much shit out there, it doesn't really matter. There. There kind there is anonymity right and it's like the only issue is if you saw like what would be bad for a lot of people is getting attention too early agreed where it's like in a weird way i think you know i think for me as well where it was like i didn't like i i didn't really have any industry attention, like, until now. Like, literally until right now. Yeah. And that helped me.

I mean, yeah, that's what I'm saying. Right now, it's like, it was this one. And that really did help me because it was like, it was a thing that I despised. You know, I feel like I got passed over for, like, a half, you know, a half hour here or there. Or, like, a late night set. Or, like, you know, I would submit and I wouldn't hear back, and it pissed me off. But it was like, well, the first time people saw me,

I was so much better at standing. Like I look back at my first hour, the one on YouTube, and it's like, it's good. But even that, I'm like, damn. Oh, interesting. I'm a worse comic now. Or I was a worse comic then, and that wasn't that long. I filmed that two years ago.

Damn. You know what I mean? And I just feel like this special is so much better. And I was good. Don't get me wrong. It's a good special. I'm proud of it. But it's like, what was I like even two years before that?

Exactly. Or two years before that. And so I was really lucky that I just kind of, you know, nobody really gave a fuck. I got to make connections with good comics people you know you guys all like helped me out and like i got to do shows with good comics but it was kind of under the radar and then it was like when when i just started posting it was like i kind of had a glut of shit i taped because i was also such a comedy like sycophant that i

would do my shows and like watch sure and so i just had a whole year's worth of shit then i was like well i've got it i might as well fucking post it and so by the time people started paying attention i was already good at comedy but it's like if that had happened when i suck and that but you're saying you sucked i we knew you and i have no memory of you sucking yeah but you know what i mean i could have done an hour like if people sure i mean people go viral and then they have to people come out to see them on their first run yeah and it's dog shit you might they might not come back of course i got really lucky where it was like i felt overdue so when people were like surprised i was good that would happen with come down too where people were like they just want to see the guy from the podcast yeah and then it was like oh i'm actually

good at comedy right helped me kind of grow my road business uh-huh the internet helped me just kind of take it to the next level you know there you went you went the reverse way of most comics as you're saying because like you had fans right before you were even like clubs were letting you headline right right which is like pretty weird dude i have some hilarious emails from places that were like we can give you 150 to do a sunday show and i was like no i just i would do it i would send them like emails with my podcast metrics and oh wow i think i you know compare similar size cities i sold this amount of tickets like i did fucking i would put little presentations yeah and some people were like oh sick and would let me do it and some people were like well that's all well and good

Yeah, yeah, you have the 4 p.m. dollars no flight Yeah, yeah somebody offered me to do their fucking contest You know that I'm still I still hold the grudge over that was like they wouldn't even let me feature Wow, you know we can believe still i still hold a grudge over that was like they wouldn't even let me feature i don't think wow you know we can believe it it was the it was really that guy actually helped me out so much when yeah me too fuck him but sometimes you can screw him because you go you don't believe me just give me the door i'll do it for the door you keep it and they're like fuck you you got it really no i always wanted the door because that's i always felt like you know but yeah that's fair

yeah you bet on yourself yeah and it's like and it only it only didn't work one time every time i made i made money you know there you go but yeah it was a weird situation where it was like people were coming out and there was a little like corralling people who just wanted podcast stuff and i was but it was cool for me because i i got to like get a lot of fans because the only reason i did a podcast was for stand-up yeah of course so it was like it helped because some of those people don't know that you know but i remember when this was happening and you would open for tom papa and tom papa would say like stas got fans yeah like he would like crack up because you guys are such different acts yeah but like your your people are coming to tom papa's show

he's in his suit like that was funny tom is uh he's the man he's the best he's the best he's the fucking king yeah uh he we we just fucking were randomly doing the exact same this is how good comedy is right now weirdly where it's like me and papa were both in theaters in the same cities it's crazy out and it was fucking and we both stopped we got to meet and get breakfast together when just like driving from st louis to kansas oh that's great fucking columbia missouri wow fucking breakfast together it was awesome i did a weekend uh there once deja vu comedy quit bragging strip club well it kind of was it was like it was like a comedy club than a nightclub i think that was my opener i'm like does each row does each floor down get sadder comedy is oh sorry oh no no comedy is crazy hot right now i just did denver

brad williams is at the club he sold it out like adding shows hassan minaj is at like the mini arena i did the paramount and then josh blue did some little we all got breakfast and it was like i said we got we got a muslim a midget and a slow cooker and walk into a bar all right mark only met them so we could tell that joke yeah that's a that's a cool group, though. Great group and a weird mishmash. Fun group. Yeah, I mean, and it feels stupid for me to be like,

I have to take six months off in the middle of this because it does feel like the hottest. I just feel like comedy's going, but it's like. It ain't going away. I hope you're right. I mean, we are in a boom. For you, I think you're going to be in great. And also like.

The specials are just out, so. Yeah, yeah, hopefully. Yeah, dude, it's, I think it's your best stuff. I mean, the last stuff was really funny. I love all your stuff, but, uh, yeah, there's a short list of comics who specials I watch, you know, and you guys, and then just a few other people. Yeah. Yeah.

You're so you're, I, you're such a comedy fan and you like are a good friend where I sent you a little clip cause I was worried about the sound and he wanted to just watch the special oh that's great that's great we uh we had corrupted files but we got it down now there you go yeah i got to watch you at the fully loaded you know it's fucking 10 000 people or whatever and this guy's doing i don't want to give away but the raccoon bit and it was just a place to go ape shit it was great that's the floor loader was great dude remember there was a guy that just fucking od'd or something in the middle of the set oh yeah enough about burt at the fucking gorge yes i forgot about that that was a cool moment because it was like

you never you always are like how are you going to react in weird situations? The gorge is weird to begin with. Yes, it's outdoors. It's on a cliff, basically. It looks gorgeous, but it's like, you know. And there's how many people? It was like 15,000. It was crazy.

It was fucking insane. He's selling so many tickets. It's crazy. It's wild. It's insane. Yeah. But it's like, you know, great experience, great comics, all that stuff. But it's not designed for comedy.

It's hard to begin with. And then in the middle of my fucking set, a guy fucking passes out. And then you have to kind of do crowd work while a guy is dying. I was just going to power through. That's how dumb my brain is. That's how I'm used to just like clubs where I'm like, all right, well, fuck this guy. Show must go on. Whereas like people were coming out like, stop.

Yeah, yeah yeah right matt you can't be like asking a guy you know when the last time he got his dick sucked while somebody yeah but all the comics you know it's me santino and burt like how's he gonna pull this off he's wearing a fucking velour track suit up there and you you had a great line yeah it killed i think think I was just like, damn, dude, that's fucking embarrassing. Being such a lightweight at the fully loaded. Killed. We were just shitting on the guy for being a bitch. We were like, he is gay.

You just EMT zip a fucking leather bag over his head. It's fucking pussy. I was like, all right, if this guy dies, it's going to look bad, but everything. Every other scenario, this is the line to go with. Yeah. You got to keep it. Take a calculated risk. Imagine that.

That's your last moment on earth. This fucking pussy. Oh, man. I had a guy have a stroke in my show. It's stand-up Scottsdale years ago. He was on Bar Rescue, the guy Howard Hughes. Always the nicest guy. But the next time I go there, it's not in the contract.

He's like, oh, it's a new venue. I'm in the back of a Mexican restaurant. I'm just like, oh, guy in the front has a fucking stroke. And I'm just like, oh, fuck, call an EMT. Call something. And Howard gets on. He calls an EMT. Then he gets on stage and starts doing crowd work. Like, geez, fuck, call an EMT. Like, call something, you know. And Howard gets on. He calls an EMT. Then he gets on stage and starts doing, like, crowd work.

Like, geez, I've had a stroke before. It's not fun, right? I'm like, you're doing schtick? Ah, there's no Keith. That's fucking awesome. He was bombing as a guy. It was brutal. Yeah.

But the guy gave a thumbs down in the way. I'm like, hopefully he was throwing it. All right, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Goddamn, that's hilarious. But Howard had a stroke from, like, Red Coke it wasn't like an honorable regular stroke right well salute to Keith I don't want to give you know he has jokes about it but it's like he got a dick pill stroke that is that right oh yeah yeah that's one of the oh yeah it's one of

the big bits in the special oh shit such a funny bit but I just remember here before it was a bit I remember hearing that and just being like that's a fucking awesome guy yeah one of the lines is like what are you willing to give up for that's great that's great he's the stroke salute are we doing a because stavi does advice we're doing let's do it stavi hell yeah I'd love that. Oh yeah, Stavi's world. Stavi's world. Hey Mark, hey Sam. My name's Malik. Actually Sam, I met you virtually

like two years ago on like a Zoom. Chat roulette. I had a VIP pass and the guests or the VIP guests could like talk to you for a moment afterwards

and it made you laugh. Sam used to be a cam girl. Yeah. Times were tough during the pandemic, Sam. You're showing boy pussy. it's a lot of hair in that bush sorry because i do stand up and improv and i want to start writing sketch so writing

sketches and stuff like that my previous goal was three times a week and i pretty much beat that this year so uh but something a problem i have is I often do bits on people and kind of on myself, with myself, socially. And they, they. Socially. Oftentimes they go pretty well, but sometimes they bomb. And then I'm like, oh, shit, did I make things weird? How do you guys, what's the best way to get over social bombing, but still having fun? I don't want to stop doing it

this is awesome this guy this guy look this guy is trying to like um pathology this guy cares about stand-up comedy so much that he has created a whole terminology around being a bad hang social bombing is not a thing buddy you took a swing and a miss people just are not liking your vibe it's not the stage bro just fucking chill out have a good time don't fucking do too many bitch nothing worse than the guy who's always on yeah constantly on you know what i mean like especially when you're starting stand-up right you don't want to be that guy you have the forced hangs right there's like everyone's on the same lineup right yeah i remember there was some hilarious looking back

at like the people you shared a bill with oh my god mentally deranged yes yes i'm not saying you're that guy but it's like but i do remember it's here's the advice just keep it on stage yeah don't do fucking bits you can call it social bombing if you want what you mean is being annoying that's what social bombing is yeah if you want to bounce a bit just say hey can i run a bit by you or or like i just think it's a different type of funny off stage and then on stage yeah totally you're better the compromise here would be hey if you you think of something funny in a group hang and you say it and it kills, put it in your act. But don't go the other way.

Don't go with your act in the hang. Oh, my God. You know? If you say something funny, maybe hold on to it and then put it in your act. But don't try it. Sometimes the only thing I can think is sometimes there's stories that are maybe different offstage to like, you know, they would work. I mean, some of my best, I mean, the threesome story in my act and then the story that I tell in this special in the first special, the threesome story in this special, I tell like a, you know, a travel story that did start with me calling my friends and being like, just telling them the story.

Yeah. I believe this fucking shit. And then doing a version of that on stage and it growing from there. But yeah, stories, I i think are a little different but i think our friend here is talking about a bit even running bits running bits is fine you can always yeah he's slipping them in he's like or even like pretend like maybe even like pretending something you know like yeah i don't know social bit has me a little worried about sure that fucking means. Sure, yeah.

Well, it's definitely not. Like, pretending to shit your pants or something? Yeah, right, right. What is a social bit? It's not fluid. You can't be like, hey, I had a threesome on a GPS. I had a three-ways. Guys, guys, what do you guys want for dinner, you know?

Right, right, right. Just be at dinner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's my advice. But on the bright side like clearly you have a hunger for comedy and you're and you're always yeah it's like use that for writing you know so that's that's you know keep it on the stage for sure keep that energy on the stage all right next one my new year's resolution is the same it's been for

the past couple years uh i want to do a pull-up but um just one but i'm i'm too fat i can't you can do it oh that was funny yeah i do pull-ups every day just you know start start easy you know like uh don't go all the way down just do a halfy weighted ones you could do you can do i've seen people put like there's machines at the gym where it's like they You can do – I've seen people put like – there's machines at the gym where it's like they help you. Yeah. Right, right. You can do dead hangs.

I think that's good though. It's really good to have a fitness goal that's just that simple. One. Because then you can just be like, all right, I can't do this now, but can I – are there other exercises that will strengthen my back? Right, right. I think you're fine. Now, you might not hit it if you stay fat. You might not hit it this year, but you'll get closer. It's just having a north star and then moving towards it.

I think that's a good one. Agreed. Yeah, Mark kind of inspired me to do – like I didn't do them back in the day, and I remember doing them once with Mark on the street and jerking my neck out for a week. And it was like – I was like, this is motivation. So now I'm doing it all the time because of Mark.

It's the best workout. Yeah. Prism workout. Oh yeah, that's all you need. Yeah. All right, what do you got here?

Just got in the tub. Hey guys. I think so. Newest resolution, work less. I have a good job and I make a lot of money and I'm going places in my career.

This is fucking Bond villain. Seven days a week or sometimes six days a week. But then if I have a day off, I just sleep all day. I would like to spend time with my friends, family. He's looking at himself, by the way. I'd like to spend more time in the gym and have a happy life. But if I work every day all day, then that's never going to happen. So work less, nearest resolution.

Okay, I love you guys. See ya. It is hilarious to get a video from a guy saying work less who's clearly taking a bath. Yeah, right, right. Taking a bath, literally looking at himself the entire time. Eye contact with the camera, you know what I mean? Just looking at himself the entire time eye contact with the camera you know what i mean just staring at himself um yeah that's a great one i think that's a beautiful you know you both know i've harped on this i have told both of you you need to work less

yeah i'll be in springfield missouri uh december 28th or 30th no but there's something to just i get it too i mean i did the exact same thing where it's like you, everybody sacrifices a little something different to work this much. Cause I feel like it's not going, you know, we're like, ah, this might go away. Um, and it's, you know, but I think, I think, I think our friend over here has the right idea where it's like, yeah, man, you gotta be at a certain point. It's like, what are you doing it for? Yes. Yes.

Continue to fucking stack money and just never have a good time and can't you work he said he works six days a week work four yeah and just start there you know you maybe don't quit completely but yeah a regular fucking week yeah he makes crazy money too so i know yeah so save that money what's the fucking money for you know i know then he sleeps all day so he's not even spending it. Maybe on that whirlpool he had. Yeah, it looked like a shitty bath. It also looked like he just had a weird green Tupperware with all his shampoos inside of it. Yeah.

Oh, there it is. Yeah, what the fuck is that? That's where he keeps the syringes and the who knows what. Yeah, that tile doesn't look expensive. Do better, buddy. Take better baths. Get yourself a nice whirlpool. There you go. I'm trying to buy a sauna.

How about a sauna over a steamer? You could just get an infrared sauna pretty easy. That's what I'm doing. You're doing that? I'm doing it in the shower. It's the same thing. You just close the door and let it steam you up. That's fucking cool.

You gotta come visit the Baltimore house. I'm trying to trick it out. Make it a little wellness center. I'm setting up. That's fucking cool. Dude, you got to come visit the Baltimore house. I'm trying to trick it out, make it a little wellness center. Ooh, baby. I'm setting up a gym in the garage. Nice. I'm putting a fucking sauna in there. Damn, dude. Yeah, dude.

That's nice. You got your brother to work out with you? My brother's down there, and he runs his own business himself. And he was just like, I should probably just hire employees because I'm going crazy. So before, it was hard to work with him like he's just constantly running a business by himself. But he's hired someone. So, yeah, my brother's going to come through. Yeah, I'm trying to make it like a nice little zone.

Great. Well, what's that neighborhood that Umar lives in? It's kind of that hipstery neighborhood. That's a great. Good neighborhood. I'm on the east side, close to where I grew up. I grew up in southeast Baltimore. And there's like a park and then there's like some fucking water.

There's a great walk you can do over there. So I'm kind of in between that zone. I just wanted to be around, you know, a shit where you go take a little stroll. Yeah, that's nice. And near my family. My best friend moved back to Baltimore. She just had a fucking kid. Oh, there you go.

I had that little motherfucker. Yeah. My brother lives there. My mom lives there. She just had a fucking kid. Oh, there you go. I'm that little motherfucker. Yeah. My brother lives there. My mom lives there. So it's kind of nuts. And then it's close. My other brother who's got the gym is in the Burbs. So it's like still a pretty, because Umar's neighborhood is a little, it's a little of a pain in the ass to get to from certain parts.

All the parts that all my loved ones live in. But I love that neighborhood. Okay. I spend a lot of time there. Stav is a a major celebrity in bolton oh i can imagine we i get phone calls sometimes on his walks and literally 40 of the phone calls someone's like stav stop i'm like all right let's let this play out yeah yeah yeah that's nice it is crazy but yeah but it's nice. I still... I had to go right again.

Who's next? That was straight up. That was a neutral. All right. That was Switzerland. I am shocked that we have... Because we were getting tagged by a lot of women today for the pod, for that Spotify wrap-up. I'm shocked women listen to this.

Women like a good fart. My wife farts like a fucking clan member i mean it's crazy i don't know the correlation but you know i needed something she's in blackface you guys see the chief's kid that kid the chief's game oh my god oh it was like a dead spin right up that he he had like black on one face, and they only published... They only showed one side. They only showed that he's in black face, and then they turned his other side to red.

He was doing the chief. There he is. But they got a major lawsuit now on their hands. Oh, really? For defamation, yeah. Look at how cute he is. Yeah, I mean, it still looks weird, I will say. It's a crazy look.

No, it's racist against a different group. Yeah, it's like, hey, let's's give him credit he's racist against two both yeah yeah exactly yeah the chief's colors are not black by the way like i know again it isn't blackface whoa he could have gone white and red white and red yellow and red yeah where did he come up with black? Is that the colors? No. Yeah, well, that is weird.

That is interesting. But yeah, it's funny how the black face took over the headline, but the Indian thing is worse to me. It's way worse. And I feel like I see black people. I don't really see a ton of Native Americans. That is the logo, though, isn't it? It's not the logo. It's just the name.

It's the name. All right. Yeah, I mean, but it's the Blackhawks, I think. Aha. That looks more like the Blackhawks. There you go. All right. Okay, well.

It looks like he's a name. Oh, he's part of a tribe, too. Oh. He's good, bro. He's fine. I mean, that's the funny thing is they were, like, saying it, but he is, like, yeah, he's whatever. That's funny, though, to only show the black side.

Yeah, yeah. They know what they're doing. Yeah. Look at that. Well, Deadspin sucks dick now. Didn't it bought bought up by like oh did it happens to every fucking media company is like Uh, like some big money asshole will buy it up and fired Journalist and kind of like only scabs will write for it or right? Yeah Sports Illustrated just got fucking caught using AI Yeah, and making fake

Pretending it wasn, making fake journalists. Oh, no. And they're denying it, but it clearly happened. Oh, no. So fucked up. It's happening. It's all happening right now. I saw a boy, Howard Beck, post that.

Yeah. Shout out to Beck. Because he got laid off from Sports Illustrated, and then they do this shit. There you go. And Howard's a great writer. Great writer. And that's the thing. It's like Sports Illustrated used to actually, I mean, it was it was journalism it's sad yeah damn bummer that's

the guy clearly so fake whoa ortiz right blue eyes yeah they made him handsome yeah yeah he's he is hot it is funny when you see these headlines where you're like see this woman with 11 000 followers that a lot of people have jacked off to she's fake i don't know how to feel like yeah i'm okay i got off anyway yeah it sucks dick but all right more advice yeah sorry i shoehorned that kid in there totally i don't want to be all queefy but of course I'm a huge fan of the podcast. I was just wondering if you have any life advice for an 18-year-old who doesn't know what he wants to do. 18. Cheers.

Oh, wow. That's a tough one. Talk about the most open-ended thing. This is very general. You don't know anything about him. Well, I would say go outside for a minute. I feel like a lot of these 18-year-old kids, they've got the noise-canceling headphones on, they're staring at a screen, YouTube, Reddit, video games all day.

Get out there. Live a little. Don't take on any debt. Yes. Go to school. You know what I mean? Even though he sounds like he's from England, so I don't know how their shit works. True.

But if you were in America, I would say do not go to college. No, Google's free. Unless you're on scholarship. Yeah. would say do not go to college. No, Google's free. Unless you're on scholarship. Yeah. And then fucking honestly learn to trade. I would go fucking plumber, dude. Well, that's going to be really necessary in the future. I would go fucking construction or plumbing.

Yeah, electrician. You can start electrician, absolutely. Or tech. Those are your two things. Don't fucking go to fucking liberal arts school. No, no. Unless you get a scholarship. And even then. I don't even know how it works, though, in England. Huh? I don't fucking go to fucking liberal arts school. No, no. Unless you get a scholarship. And even then.

I don't even know how it works in England. Huh? I don't even know how it works in England. I don't either. I don't know if it's free. They just, I don't know. Who gives a fuck? Fuck England.

It doesn't matter. Make some friends. Get a friend group. Follow more like, yeah, like, you know, do stuff. Go out. Live life. Have different experiences. Don't watch porn all day.

Yeah, don't feel like you have to immediately start your life. You really don't. Now is the time to know what you're doing. It's kind of nice to not know what the fuck's going on and to just go, just do travel, see different shit. Now's the time to open up your horizons because you don't want to be like, well, I had to go to school and I had to go to fucking grad school. And then you look up, you're 32, you're in debt, you've had like two relationships and you don't want to be like well i had to go to school and i had to go to fucking grad school and then you look up you're 32 you're in debt you've had like two relationships you don't like either of them right you're the guy in the tub yeah yeah exactly yeah a little baby get out there yeah you gotta be back in the story all right? Oh, shit. I can go another 510.

All right. Do you want to do one more? Sure. Oh, okay. Uh-oh. Yeah. Check. Hey, Mark.

Hey, Sam. My name's Charlie. I'm in my mid-20s. I was in a band. Now that band doesn't exist because my drummer just moved away. And what? Yeah, drummer just moved away. A band drummer moved away. What you guys would do if you were in this situation

or maybe some pointers for being on stage in general. Also, Big Peeve, I hate it when people try to control the volume at which you speak at. And Big Rock, Queens of the Stone Age, the band. Wow, dude.

The Stand Up, Take a Cat, Can't Wait to See You Guys Live, and Wave. Yeah, wave it up. Didn't the guy from Queens of the Stone Age want to come on here? Oh, that's right. What's his name again? Josh? Josh Coleman? Yeah, he's supposed to be cool.

I like that band. Good band. Okay, I got supposed to be cool. I like that band. Good band. Okay, I got to get into them. Dude, something that breaks my heart is that I had an offer of video. They wanted me to play a Roman emperor in that to be a fucking guy eating fucking grapes. A turkey leg and everything. It was just like I had a stretch last. It was when we were going to fucking Seattle.

It was like right before my special. It was like Portland, Seattle, LA special the movie too right and then right after the special movie and it was like there was no i would have had to like fly it was oh man it breaks my heart because that's a sick band yeah and i like their shit i think they're like soda's favorite yes exactly yeah uh also his people's people trying to control the volume that you speak at that's weird again some of these need context well i don't is that like people being like yeah yeah are you being a dickhead exactly you're in a library screaming like take it down man that's okay to tell somebody someone i've been on flights where people are so fucking loud yeah

i'm like do you mind just keeping it and then they look at you angry but you're just like i'm just i'm asking politely 100 yeah you're talking to the guy next to you why are you screaming i don't understand it yeah i'm usually sitting next to gary veder and we talk at a like a low yeah nothing okay p this isn't even like you know this is classic. But man, when you just get caught in that airplane convo, you say one thing against your better judgment, and you open the door a creak, and this motherfucker sticks his foot in it. Yes, yes. And then you're just like, yeah, well, yeah, it's like, oh, nice.

Yeah, podcasting's good. How does he know? How have I revealed so much about myself? Yeah. And the worst part is when they just will not. They won't stop. So it's like, I have at least been like, all right, I have to, I have just, I fake a knack. Same.

That's a bit. You got to fake a knack. But it's like, there should be like, you should be able to, you need to have like a 90 second timer. There should be like three levels of of airport conversation or airline conversations like just a nice back and forth a nice let's give it two minutes or under sure and then in two minutes you need to both silently press x or check mark two check marks all right you're you're renewed for five minutes yeah i like this and then it's like

and then after that and then after that it's basically like the whole flight which is the only scenario I can think of is it's a hot woman you're trying to fuck

yeah yeah but other than that yeah that's one that popped in big cans yeah we can lengthen that old woman you got jacked off

buying Reno with big fake cans I remember the story it's a classic of course I don't think I've ever gotten pussy off an airplane. I got a steward or a flight

attendant's number once and then it was fake. Yeah, but she was really pretty. That was the saddest thing. And I would not stop. I called it. I tried every digit. I was like, maybe it's a six.

Maybe it's a seven. And I moved on in. That's the second to last number. Yeah, she was so hot. Mathematically, there's billions of possibilities. Mark tried them all. I tried them all. I was like a beautiful mind up there with the fucking chalk and the window.

Oh, yeah, nothing. I called United. I was like, what was that lady's name with the cleavage and the eye patch? Yeah, nothing. United gave you a fake number two yeah yeah dude that's fucking the airplane is a I tried it once with the stewardess and I got shut down yeah of course it was in LA you know I'm sure you could sit on all day long so hot so hot ex-actress you could tell. It didn't work out. And if you caught her maybe in a minor city. Maybe.

Maybe in Poughkeepsie or something like that. Lose LAX to Poughkeepsie Direct. I don't even know if they have an airport in Poughkeepsie. No way. No chance. That's my go-to small town. It's a funny word. Absolutely.

The thing I was doing canceled. So I have a couple more minutes, actually. Oh, baby. Not that we have to be here all day, but we don't have to rush out either. All right. But, yeah, I mean, that's a standard peeve, you know. It's a good peeve. We could bounce bits. We could do a couple.

I'll do a bit. I'll do a bit. Let me see what I got cooking. Let me see what I got, too. All right. I got a couple that are like ideas. I have one that i can't quite i have a couple new ones that are actually working please but there's one that uh

um yeah actually there's a couple i would like to well there's something there's something horrible about like if a girl rejects you outright you can always always be like if she had just given me a chance it would you know i would have fucking charmed her that feels bad but i've discovered that what feels way worse is a girl that you fuck exactly one time does not want to hang out oh yeah man i really fucked up you know what it's like i had the chance it's like when you bomb a job interview don't get the job versus getting the job and then getting fired after the first day you know funny yeah so you're like no no we knew you yeah yeah yeah we gave you a shot we knew exactly who you like yeah you're in the

other scenario you didn't get the chance to know me right right right you didn't get a chance to know me i didn't get you didn't get we hung out and then kind of going along with it is that like, um, cause I also, cause then you think like, how did that happen? Whatever. And it's like, it sucks when you think you had a really special, like fun, magical, like night or two with a woman. Right. And then you realize, oh, she was the spiraling and that was her rock bottom.

It's like what you thought was like, we were out all night drinking and you you know we were making out and she was like i gotta see you tomorrow and we're getting fucked up and then we you know we fuck it you know my weird airbnb and whatever and it's like and then you like see her again and she's like yeah um yeah we called off the engagement i'm getting sober yeah right and fucking kiss her and she's like no of course not you know what i mean where it's like where it's like you know you just you think it's like wow this is crazy and it's like no this is what you thought was the best one of the best moments of your life was her fucking spiral oh god that's a fun that's there's something to that where it's like and then you're like she starts she starts opening up about it and you're like, oh, my God.

She's like – she tells you a story. She's like, oh, yeah, I just fucked a guy I met at 7-Eleven. And you're like, we hung out twice. Will you let me fuck? You fucked some other guy from Tuxedos? So I don't know. There's something I think – if I could kind of just mash both of those in there together. I like the job interview.

I like that. It's like getting to know you is good too. Yeah. Yeah, it sucks when you put in work. Yes. And then fail. And also it sucks when you get a really thoughtful rejection. You know what I mean?

It's like they pre-wrote it. Where they're just like they really, really don't want to fuck. They really thought it through. You can't even, this can't even be an accounting error on her part. This bitch is wrong. It's like, no, no, no. She crossed her eyes. She crossed her teeth, dotted her eyes.

Right. This is not coming out in your favor. And then you're like, could I fuck that? And it's not like I fucked good the one time. You know what I mean? Yeah. You're thinking, all right, I'll get another shot at this. Yeah.

It never comes. I like the idea of the big, drawn-out, rejection, thoughtful. Like, she's got a PowerPoint. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's got a spreadsheet. You took time into thinking about why you didn't want to be with me. Yes, yes, yes. Like, there is something.

After already fucking me once. Yeah. Yeah. Once is so tough. Give me two. You should. Yeah. Give me so tough give me two you should yeah give me to give me to me with a roommate actually once I kind of a crush on her and we fucked once and then and she was like we can't ever do that again I was like

alright see you tomorrow yeah I'll bring the electricity bill tomorrow Wow did you give her a good dicking though we were both pretty fucked up i mean it was probably fine it was probably like not terrible yeah but you know mine was brutally bad really barbecue i was also on a bender yeah what did i have that day peruvian chick well i was just i was in the middle of like getting really fucked up and it was like it was the first it was literally the first time like shit kind of started trickling like we it was the first like month after posting and everything was going like it's like the push it to the limit montage it's like what the every clip is going viral right gaining 10 000 youtube followers a day i'm selling out and i'm just like getting

fucked up i'm like you know i'm i'm fucking a bunch of girl and she was like she was so hot too she was like exactly just you know huge titties yeah uh tatted up the whole thing oh i love the tats and uh and it was just like you know i was i was just getting fucked up eating like shit i was all i had just rented a sick like air. I had like a week off, you know, in a cool city. It was just like, I was going all out. So I think I was just whatever, you know, tacos, you know, tacos, whatever. Okay. Okay.

Getting drunk. I was, and I'm not a big drinker. I was getting fucked up. I was drinking. I was smoking weed. I was doing mushrooms. I mean, it was a nice time. You know what it was? It was like right after i had lost all the weight so it was like nothing because i lost a bunch of weight in

the pandemic and i was just like just the beginning of the decline i've said this many times nothing better than the first couple months of a relapse before while you still have all the good your body still has all the positives yes yes exactly you yet and you're like i'm invincible i'm not gonna fucking gain weight you know what i mean yeah your life is in slow motion to like fucking cool music dude literally the day i fucked it was when the when when the like when everything started hitting when it was like the consequences started hitting i was like i feel kind of weird you know what i mean it was like right after my birthday i was gotten i was real hungover yeah whole thing but anyway damn so there's that one

i think there's definitely a lot there and it's very relatable yeah i gotta get something there there's a lot there yeah you're her i don't want to say you're rock bottom but see that's the thing i feel like i've heard that exactly exactly same and it's not that it was i don't think i was her rock bottom i which is maybe even more embarrassing oh yeah i'm just on the way down right that's funny i'm one of many yes i don't get my own if it's a movie i'm in a montage i don't get a scene yeah right that's a movie, I'm in a montage. I don't get a scene. Yeah, right. That's great. It's a split-second shot of me just, like, mashing my soft dick. Yeah.

Even, like, a whole thing of, you know, 7-Eleven's the scene. Right, right. I'm just on the way down, you know? She'll remember the rock bottom. It's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Over time, she'll forget me. Yes, yes, exactly.

Oh, that's pretty good yes exactly oh that's pretty good you're the rock middle the rock middle alright what do you got I gotta look at my notes here I got some ideas I got a bunch if you guys want me to go I mean go ahead man shit I'm trying to think what else I have here

this is a less relatable one but it's about fucking like a girl who's done porn where you're like or like a professional you know like a girl who's done porn where you're like – or like a professional, you know, like an escort off the clock, even on the clock, whatever, or sex positive, whatever. But it's like whenever you fuck a girl who's professionally good at sex, it's just like you're just like, you know. Well, first I have this thing that might be a little hack.

I said it once or twice where it's like don't Google before. Don't watch the videos before. Actually, I think the premise is once or twice where it's like don't google before don't watch the videos before actually i think the premise is good but um where it's like if you're gonna fuck a girl that's porn don't google her oh yeah because it's just like you don't wanna you don't want to know what's happened before you know what i mean you don't know what you're up but you don't want to see her two hands with plenty of yeah yeah might i oh that's great that's great it's almost like you yelp the restaurant before you went or something yeah yeah yeah but that's it's helpful that's yeah yeah that's yeah that's no good yeah it's not even like the restaurant got bad reviews because she's doing a great

she's doing a great job it's just with hotter guys or bigger dongs yeah yeah it's like mark's right though it's like an analogy thing where it's like i was thinking like basketball at first where it was like but it's like that wouldn't be oh maybe it's like uh you're like a high school football team and you're like we should watch the game film or the other team and they're just like giant destroying everybody and you're like even then you should watch the that's true that's true yeah good point but maybe you have an edge or maybe you're like oh i can eat pussy better than this guy or something maybe that's true yeah good point but maybe you have an edge maybe you're like oh i can eat pussy better than this guy or something maybe that's your edge but it's really just that you know

it's just really that the dick is so big and she's yeah hammered you know you're not capable of yeah it sucks to follow that yeah but and also you're like wait why do you want to follow that but it doesn't yeah but here's the thing if If you didn't watch it, it turned out great. It's never been a thing where this woman's like, geez, I wish your dick was 13 inches. Yeah. It's always been a good time. And that's why the second part that I like better,

I just think there's something funny to the premise of don't Google. I think so too. It's also funny you could say LeBron plays against Kevin Durant and he has and he has fun but he also shoots around with a make-a-wish

kid sometimes that's the second part where I'm like but it's not but it's all it ends up being fine because what I've been saying is

I have used LeBron before but the one I'm doing now is like you know Lance Armstrong doesn't want to do the Tour de France every time

sometimes he wants a leisurely bike ride that's good put a little baguette in the front of the basket stop and have a picnic halfway through and you should pause and go it's a very little baguette it's not a great

it's more of a roll so I don't know it's working it's working but it's like you know when something you like you it's working but it's like i need a little you know when something you're like you like this premise but it just doesn't yes totally smash i got a couple of those following yeah following something funny about following a porn star too though it's just like that's their job it's like it might be a comp to you the way you do comedy like

like look on stage i i crush but you know off stage like if someone laughs at every like i want to be a person right there might be some compare i'm trying to think well maybe like you ever go out with a girl and she's like you're a comedian on this date you haven't said anything funny you know and you're like well i do it there you know it's the same with lance armstrong like i do the tour friends but now I'm just riding on the pier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm following a guy who's... And it's also just about your confidence. Yes. Where it's like it just wrecks your confidence.

It's information you don't need. And ultimately it doesn't... Yeah, maybe there's something to it. It's ultimately not... It's not even necessary or helpful. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's information overload.

Right, right. Like looking up a cooking recipe is helpful. Now I know what i mean it's like it's information overload it's right right like looking up a cooking recipe is helpful now i know how to make it this is just going to give you insecurity i want to see pictures of the veal being slaughtered yeah that's not bad that's not bad that's a good line yeah you don't need to see the kit the chicken in the little cages you know yeah yeah just enjoy the chicken just enjoy the chicken that's pretty good there's something there i like that or you could make it about the farm animal getting fucked you know i need to see the guy fucking the cow just want some ribs yeah but yeah that's good that's funny that that's not bad the the animal thing yes yes okay yeah we got to be somewhere 230 just so you know

oh we do yeah shit all right but let me i could probably do one let me do a fucking some five anything is this is this stupid i'll be quick um my buddy we were going out to eat for like a couple nights in a row we were on the road and i go oh you want to get pizza and he goes ah pizza again we had pizza last night and i was like well don't ever get married because it's the same pussy every night you know like it's weird i with food we're like oh i want all this variety but like you know when you're married you're like this is it this is the the vagina yeah you know i can't be like i had uh i had cheryl last night you know yeah yeah i don't know it might be a quickie a quick joke

but i don't know is it i don't know if there's anything there um yeah something like there could be something there maybe variety in food is is like how we overcompensate with the same woman yeah i mean it's just it's it's that it's like not a one-for-one necessary analogy right yes you know what i mean that's the problem is that like it does make sense and it is funny but there's not depth to it yeah because if you if you go one layer down it's like well you don't love the pizza exactly exactly and eat three meals a day if the pizza if the pizza like you know was there for you when your father died in a car accident maybe you would have it every day yeah yeah like know, something like that.

Yeah, that's true. There could be something to flip it on the other side. Yeah, or maybe like how with your wife, unlike pizza, you eat the same way every day, but with your wife, you try to mix it up. So no one's ever been like, I'm going to eat pizza backwards today. I'm going to put the pizza up my ass.

Yeah. Yeah, I like that better, actually. Yeah. That angle of like, because it isn't a perfect analogy. That's good. That might be the way to flip it. Because it's like, it is kind of on its head simplistic. It's not an A to B.

Yeah, but it's better that way to show that it's not an A to B. I think I'll try that way. Yeah. All right. Whose titties are these? They were given to us from the South Park guy's wife. Oh, nice. Yeah, we got, I had one, something maybe here about how social media depresses you, but

it's like the people doing well who depress you. It's like a guy who's like, just got a job promotion. I got the best wife in the world. I love my little girl. And you're like, this motherfucker, you know? Yeah. But then like if someone posts like hanging on by a thread, life is not worth living i'm like i like this guy yeah that's right you're like in your head you're like don't kill yourself because i'm not gonna

have a daily pick me up yeah you know like who am i gonna who am i gonna you need like but i i don't know where to go with it because it's like that part hits but i need like i think the point is like people say social media feel makes go with it because it's like that part hits. But I need like I think the point is like people say social media makes you feel bad. But it's like people thriving, people who are not sad make you feel bad. We should change the algorithm. The problem is we see too many successful people. Right. Yeah.

Let's get a couple fucking train wrecks here. Yeah. Like the algorithm supports like handsome, hot people talking about success. I want shit pushed to me where it's like you know i've lost it all a guy's gonna do this around his neck it's like a boomerang he's like yeah you know i want to live watch a guy miss the last leg of a 10 leg parlay that would have saved his life but now he's gonna now you know what i mean now he's out a hundred grand yeah i don't want to watch a guy get i I don't want wedding pictures. Well, there is a giant genre on the internet called fails.

Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Just guys, like, falling over or... But that's more of America's Funniest Videos. That's true. That's true. I think we're talking about, like, you know, more of, like, emotion. Right, right.

A guy at a roulette table captioned, Just lost my daughter's college fund. Yeah, yeah. I want more of that. There should be a sad algo yeah yeah that should be like an app i get too much of like chicks with great asses yeah just being like i work pretty hard for this yeah all right well that makes you happy yeah that doesn't bum me out no it does it bums you out oh that's true that's true that's true

maybe it's something about how like people work in rehab clinics must be the happiest people ever. Like, man, I'm doing great. Everybody's coming in here with fucking pill addictions and they're about to kill themselves. And I'm awesome. Yeah, that's good. I also I also have a quick thing about like I don't know where to go with this one about seeing a girl. She travels a lot for work. I travel a lot for work.

I like I it's weird. I'm a comedian because i can't tell when people are joking like i was uh i was like man it's so hard uh so hard just not seeing you ever and she's like well you should you should you know fuck a prostitute and i was like yeah and she was like are you fucking kidding me and i was like oh i didn't like i didn't well she can't throw that out there I know that was like a mean dangle That's really funny But it's also not great that I bit that hard

You know what you should do is get down on one knee And she's like really You're like no That's good I like that turn Cause that's the girl's prostitute That's a female prostitute is that Yeah you can't dangle that

No that's a female prostitute is that yeah you can't dangle that no that's crazy no that's insane i like that but you know i don't know that the premise is even the comedian thing it's like there is something about that that's so much more relatable than that where it's i mean the comedian thing's a good way to get into it but there's something more to it about why you bit so hard yeah you really show who you are in those moments right right absolutely because there's some yeah because it's it's not it just shows what you really want or you know what i mean where it's like prostate is just such a good one though i know i know better than that one yeah yeah i mean it is because it's like you could i could see the dirtbag logic of like yeah

i mean it's like it would mean nothing and i'm justbag logic of like, yeah, I mean, it's like. It would mean nothing. It would mean nothing. I'm just coming. I mean, what, I can't jerk off? Right, right. And then I'm growing up in the economy. These are single mothers probably. You know what I mean?

Sex work is real work. Absolutely. It's fucking work. It's harder. Hard. It's one of the, it's harder than almost every type of work. Definitely. Definitely.

Like, come on, can you imagine? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, you know. type of work definitely definitely can you imagine oh yeah yeah i mean you know like you entertain you know it's like starting stand-up where it's just like you entertain people you hate it's like imagine you also have to suck those guys cocks like half most of the people they have to fuck so then that part of your brain is like well i'm one of the good guys i'm good there you go a nice change of pace for her. Yes. But you've just been saying all this. Your girlfriend has left you.

You know what I mean? It's all right. She's packing her stuff. Yeah, yeah. You have like eight bullet points ready to go. She's been packing the whole time. I like that, though. There's something there.

All right. Where are you going to be? The most important thing is watch the special. Yes. Fat Rascal. Fat Rascal. I'm going to take a lot of time off but the last i i got covid hilarious embarrassing to get covid now yeah what a nerd i did get it and it fucked

me up so i had i'm doing a couple makeup shows uh nice dallas is actually from the taping of the special i had to make those up because great venue really nice theater wait i'm sorry sorry for missing it dallas uh but dallas detroit grandids, I'm making up all those were left over from the Frat Rascal tour. I'm not adding any. I will announce a tour for later next year. But for the time being, I'm taking some time off. Hell yeah. So these are the last chances to see me.

And yeah, there might be some stuff off the special. What the fuck do you want from me? I play in this really nice where the tour ended and I had no dates. Yeah. And I got sick and it's like, fuck. Well, there's going to be 20 good minutes you haven't seen. There you go. There's going to be 10 bad ones.

Yeah. There's going to be 10 minutes of crowd work. 15. No, maybe 20. And there's going to be 15 minutes of stuff from the fucking hour. That's probably how it's going to break out. That's realistic. Not so bad, folks.

Not bad. Yeah, maybe JP will do. Maybe I'll bring more people. Maybe I'll have like three openers. You pull a Chris Kattan? Yeah, Eldest is going to try stand-up for the first time. You just throw your friend under the bus like, man, that guy sucked, right? Looking at your watch.

Yeah, I make him wear the worst outfit yeah there you go i write the jokes for him so i have fun oh that's not a bad idea you're pro putin i heard your act all right i'm gonna be a deja vu no um kansas city norfolk baltimore with umar uh birmingham shreveport tampa tampa jacksonville columbus ohio indianapolis new york at the beacon lexington charlotte san antonio houston we got a mark norman comedy.com and we're grinding baby we're doing it got to build some new hour i am yeah i've heard it's a beauty Sick Nice Back in clubs

For a short minute Before the special In March in Boston I think Boston's already Sold out baby But we got Buffalo Springfield

Madison Philly Stanford Dania Beach Omaha Dallas OKC Irvine

Salt Lake City The Wilbur For the taping baby Let's fucking rock Hell yeah Hell yeah. Hell yeah. All right.

Thank you, gang. Samrode.com. Get some Bodega Cat. Get Bodega Cat whiskey. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. Stavi Baby is Netflix special. Stavi's World. Yes.

Produced by Eldest. We love you, Matt Peters. Yeah. You guys look like a before and after, a glow up. Sorry, no one will get that joke at home, but you thank you guys thank you hey good app what an app And Norman's talking shit about the fucking poke And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans

This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way. We might be true.