We Might Be Drunk - Ep 159: Merry Queef-mas (Ralph Barbosa, Carmen Lynch, Louis Katz, Santa Claus

Episode Date: December 25, 2023

On a very special episode of We Might Be Drunk, we celebrate Christmas with our friends. Ralph Barbosa the gingerbread mexican joins us, and then our special drop in from the north pole.  After that the very funny Carmen Lynch arrives (Check out her new special on YouTube on Mark Normand's channel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxPGfnOg4Bs Wrapping things up with our friend Louis Katz. Great fun and great laughs. Merry Christmas! Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Mark Normand: https://marknormandcomedy.com/ Ralph Barbosa: https://www.barbosacomedy.com/ Carmen Lynch: http://carmenlynch.com/ Louis Katz: https://www.louiskatz.com/ Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod Bodega Cat: http://www.bodegacatspirits.com  We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ If you want to start a podcast contact [e-mail] for a discount on services when referred by WMBD! Support the show and start the Good Habit at https://www.tryfum.com/DRUNK to save 10% off the Journey Pack today  

All right. Hey, folks. Here we are. We're here. We're queer. It's a beautiful 43 degree day in New York City. When we're taping. I don't know what the actual Christmas is going to look like.

Oh, good point. Well, we could be dead by then. I'm fine. Climate change. World War III. Yeah. Palestinians. What else you got out there?

Speaking of explosions, I just dropped the Negroni poop, the likes of which. Hey, Ralphie. That's you. Yeah, that's you. I believe it's a gingerbread man. Or boy. Thanks for coming in, bud. Hey, take your time. time hey how are you you again

good to see you who are you with sloth sloths yeah you drank with us oh yeah you guys got a problem he's got a problem so wait while ralph's putting on his uhmate outfit, let's hear about the Night of Too Many Stars. I did a spot. Last minute. Someone dropped out, obviously. When you hear this lineup, you're like, yeah, someone dropped out. Jon Stewart. Jon Stewart hosts.

Okay. John Oliver, Chris Rock. Wow. Adam Sandler. Wow. Robert Schmeichel puts it together. Too Many Stars. With the jacket. With Schmeichel puts it together. Too Many Stars. With the jacket.

With the jacket. I like it. He's a gingerbread guy, but he's like off the clock. Nice to meet you. I don't think we've met in person, right? What? Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Oh, wow. I didn't know that. Worlds are colliding. So I did this thing on Monday, Night of Too Many Stars, the benefit show. It used to be on TV. Yeah, I remember that. But it's like for autism and uh i did one joke i shouldn't have fucking done too but i uh it's like i walk in i'm like holy

shit that's harvey kytel whoa it's like people that you're like really what is that guy doing here is he autistic no no no no but he could play autistic he's good and i want to appreciate the money you made for my people but then we we uh i go up and it's like you know you know gaffigans everyone's there whatever i i get off stage and it's like i did a couple jokes i shouldn't have done you know you go into a joke i have a joke where the punchline is a special ed moron or something i could have cut that one probably right and uh and i get off and the first face I see is Keitel and he's like,

ugh. Fucking Harvey Keitel hates me. And then I turn to, it's Steve Buscemi and he's just like, I could have just been his face. But that's like, his face is always like that,

you know? And then I turn. He's funny looking. And then I turn and it's Paul Rudd. He goes, yes. Wow.

Bailed out by Rudd. So many stars. Yeah. Paul Rudd's a funny dude. I love Paul Rudd. He funny yeah steve buscemi's a little funnier or whatever yeah my comedy opinion yeah steve buscemi rules yeah uh big daddy he's the uh the hobo yeah yeah sausage mcmuffin yeah exactly even when he's not funny he's funny yeah remember when he got shot in the face on sopranos oh hilarious they're gonna say fargo he's been shot in the face a lot yeah i never saw fargo fargo's fucking good i just remember he's got the the groceries and he's like with the keys and he's just like blam yeah pull that up i use this to get hard so oh this is jamie by the way she made us drinks

jamo we're having coquito. He's familiar with it. This is your second time having Coquito? This is my first Coquito ever. What's your background? Mexican? Puerto Rican. It's not everywhere, I guess. Coquito's like a Puerto Rican thing. Oh, yeah.

That's better eggnog, I think. What does Coquito mean? Little coconut. That's what it means, but it's different from eggnog, I think. Oh, wow. I've never had eggnog either. What does coquito mean? Little coconut. That's what it means, but it's different from eggnog where it doesn't have eggs. Yeah, this is so good. Damn. I usually hate coconut.

Yeah, it doesn't have eggs and it has sweetened condensed milk where eggnog has heavy, like, regular milk. Yeah. And sugar. You just pull up where the dad gets shot in Fargo? That was the wrong scene. No, I was right. This is where Shemmy gets shot.

Oh, yeah. He shoots shot. Oh, yeah. He shoots him. Oh, yeah. Dude, he only pulled back a second. Right before he gets shot, it's the weirdest reaction to getting shot. He's just like, oof. He's like, ooh. Ooh.

That would have been a good Pepto commercial. Oh. That would have been a good Pepto commercial. Oh! Shot in the face and improved it. Wow, what a mood. Coen Brothers. Yeah, check out Fargo. That's a good one. They put him in a wood chipper in the end.

Yeah. I'm still going to watch it. You can ruin endings for me. I'll still watch them. Same. Do you live in Texas? Yeah, kind of. I'm still gonna watch it you can ruin endings for me I'll still watch them same do you live in Texas? yeah kinda wait for it

oh what a fucking shotgun wow on the firewood did you guys ever watch Barry? yeah that was a cool that's cool how he died yeah he's like

what he's like what did he say what's his last line he's like oh wow bam pull it up I didn't see the ending

of the show so that's the last season I'm guessing oh shit I'm sorry that's alright this is such a spoiler load of a podcast that's what's considered

a great show Bill Hader's amazing but it's funny that that's like a comedy yeah it's a comedy that's like a comedy. Yeah. It's a comedy. Try watching that before bed on the road.

You're going to want to slit your wrist. It's the saddest fucking show. Incredible. I mean, the acting's insane. Henry Winkler is like. Oh, I love Winkler. By the way, this is the difference between men and women right here. There's no group of women sitting around going, pull up when Buscemi gets shot in the face on a porch. Whose desktop cover is that?

Oh, it's me. Is that from Dog Day Afternoon? You got it. Yeah, that's badass. It's Christmas. This is the Christmas edition. I put the package in there. Nice. That would make a good Halloween costume.

The suit is tough, though, because they're like, what are you doing? Yeah, nobody would know. No. Except, like, big Al Pacino fans. Right. I don't know. Yeah, you just look like a dad maybe gay guys that movie's like a gay rights movie right trans trans oh gay too kind of right yeah in a way yeah it's all part of the lgbt plus q minus g this is barry so now i'm gonna know how it ends there we go oh really gonna spoil it for this guy what season are you on i'm one behind but i'll still watch it oh it's still an interesting season yeah all right there you go this is like

finale sorry guys wait where's buscemi i don't think he's in this one. Oh, I thought that's what we were doing. Are we not doing it? I don't know. Ralph just brought it up. It's about to happen. Okay. This is the long... I don't even remember this now.

There's that meme. I forgot who did it, but it's like dudes can just sit around and talk about... They can just name role players in the NBA. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what this is, but dudes getting shot in the face. Right. What if I just got the movie wrong? Oh, there, yeah. That's what this is, but, like, dude's getting shot in the face. Right. What if I just got the movie wrong? Oh, there you go.

Whoa, Ron White? Oh, wow. Oh, that's fun. All right. All right. I'll still watch it. I feel bad for people who've, you know, died, but that's got to be a cool way to die, like getting shot. Yeah.

People respect you automatically for that. Teddy Roosevelt was shot, and I think it helped him win the presidency. He got shot during a speech and then kept going. Why did he keep going? He was that tough. He was folded up in his pocket so many times. The bullet pierced the speech. The bullet just got in him.

He finished the speech and then went to the hospital. There you go. You know whose presidency it didn't help was JFK. That's true. Didn't help his presidency. They told him you should wear your speech on your forehead, and he didn't listen. Who had that bit that Biden's the only president you could punch assassinate shane oh that's funny that is hilarious

anyway yeah i live in texas but i've been coming to live here every other week for a little while like for for a month maybe damn yeah might as well get a condo or something yeah that'd be cool i mean i stay at my friend's place in queens i just go in on the rent with him Like, for a month maybe. Damn. Yeah. Might as well get a condo or something. Yeah, that'd be cool. I mean, I stay at my friend's place in Queens. I just go in on the rent with him. So I got, like, an apartment now, I guess. But I do want my own place.

Yeah. Because I don't know. All my stuff's, like, some in his room and some in his living room. But, I don't know. I'm never home anyway, you know? That's how I feel sometimes. Right? Yeah. I went to my living room. Just my, you know? That's how I feel sometimes. Right? Yeah. I went to my living room, just my other room.

I have two rooms, and it's just two giant suitcases open. Same. Yeah, I leave them open. And that's just my apartment always, you know? Yeah. People are like, you should clean your room. I'm like, I'll be there for a few hours. Right.

I just need to pick some shit out, maybe do some laundry, and I'm out. That's it. I feel good, like, sleeping in transit. Me too. Yeah, we're on that tour bus. That was the best sleep I got in a long time. Oh, man. Isn't that sad?

I feel the same way. I did a bus this year, and I was like, I sleep like shit at home. Yeah. I know. The bus is where I was meant to be. I even sleep better on a plane than I do at home. Like, all, like, stiff and stuff. Right.

But, I don't know. Somebody recorded me sleeping at the airport. wasn't cool oh yeah i like that they tagged you yeah they tagged me i was like what a bitch pretty funny damn whoever it is i'll punch them well they're no i won't they're a woman but i gave my mom to punch them that was fucked up probably better it's a woman a dude A dude would be worse, I think. Oh, I've been tagged by dudes recording me sleep. Is that legal? You sleep a lot. Yeah.

Well, I usually sleep at the airport. Maybe you're narcoleptic. Nah, nah, nah. I can't sleep, like, at night. But once I'm at the airport, and I'm, like, 15 minutes till we board, then I'm just like, all right, all right. I'm the same way. The body knows.

It, like, starts to go into shutdown mode. And then there's a delay, a 15-minute minute delay and you're just like that you threw everything off yeah now i'm fucked for the day it's all it's all hinging on that it's got to be an on-time departure 6 a.m flight that's why i mostly fly southwest they're the most consistent but i don't know one time well a few times i flew delta and i liked having like comfort plus or even like first class but there's been two delta flights that get delayed and i'm just like nah i can't risk it right can't risk you flying day of yeah i'll fly in day same yeah you do a day early sometimes only the only way i'll do a day

the only way i'll do it is if it's two theater shows in a night okay if it's one show i'll risk it but if it's two i'm like i'm fucking myself all right all right if it's a theater shows in a night. Okay. If it's one show, I'll risk it, but if it's two, I'm like, I'm fucking myself. All right, all right, all right. If it's a club, I always go day of. Yeah, I haven't done theaters yet, so I'm, yeah,

I take back the nerd thing. We're going to theaters next year. There you go. January, yeah, yeah. Yeah, man, I first saw you on, I think the first bit I saw of you, I forgot even the song it was,

but you were like, it was a rapper who bragged about going speed limit. Oh, Quavo. That's fuckingavo that's fucking that's a great bit yeah he won't open my dms yeah but yeah no thank you yeah i like that i like that one that one got me some followers but i am like damn i can't really do that on the road now right because people know it yeah sometimes people will yell it like do that one and i'm like

nah that's weird no but that's nice so that he's getting requests it's flattering but they're like but you heard it it's funny when it's a dip like it depends on the comics i remember like many years ago i'm opening for gary goldman and people were like grapes no it's funny the bits that like you know you can tell the type of comic you are yeah gaffigan said there's a guy who follows him to all his gigs and dresses a hot pocket, and he's outside dancing. And you're like, damn, that is the height of repeating events. That's funny once. Yeah, but he goes to all his gigs.

I don't know. I feel like that would be pretty funny all the time. Just never acknowledge the guy, though. See how long he does it for. Yeah, because it doesn't ruin the act. It's funny the first time and the 19th time. Yeah. Every other time.

Right, right, right. This guy. The first time and then that time where you're like, you're still doing this? Oh, yeah. I like that. Yeah, man. So what is like, you've been out with Birth this year and you've been on the road. This year you've been really going hard, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. It's been all right. You get lots of free stuff which is cool yeah this is how fast his rise is this guy hosted for me ten minutes ago and then now Netflix we're not an agent after that they're like you hosted for Mark Norman Harvey want to get you on the road yeah yeah I hosted for you at uh was it Ar you at, what was it, Arlington Improv.

That was it. Yeah. Arlington Improv is cool. They got like an arcade in there. Yeah. Which one's the Arlington Improv? It's in the middle of Texas. Oh, right.

Yeah. They got an arcade in the bar. And, I mean, comics get to play for free. Like, all the games are free. Yeah. It's like one of those, like, you pay 10 bucks and then you get to go play or whatever. And so it was cool opening for people there because you get to just like kill time in the arcade right but now i can't go in the arcade anymore because it's like somebody will stop my

game right yeah yeah what's your what's your game well i like playing like marvel versus capcom 2 they also got a they got mortal kombat in there but i don't know. If I just suck at Mortal Kombat 2 or if they got that one on hard, that's a fucking bitch. Yeah. You're going to play and then, like, the other character, because every Mortal Kombat character has, like, the same melee attacks. And they do, like, the straight punches, but, like, nonstop. You're just like, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh. Fucking asshole.

I know. You can't compete with that. But if I get raidediden i got a pretty good chance because i'll do the lightning tackle you know he goes oh yeah he's got the stick right raiden nah i don't think so no he's got the weird hat he's got the hat yeah he's the chinese weird has a cool ass hat man yeah yeah you i don't know if it's racist to wear that hat but i'm gonna buy that hat oh those are great it's. Oh my god, remember that guy? There was a bar and the guy wore that hat

outside. Yeah? Oh yeah. And the whole thing about the bar was five shots of anything, ten bucks. Oh shit. Which downtown New York pretty good. Very good. Do you think they watered that shit down? Oh yeah, and I think people died in there. Yeah, I think

it's gone now, right? You're not getting a good customer base with that deal. Not with in there. Yeah, I think it's gone now, right? You're not getting a good customer base with that deal. Not with that hat. Do you guys get recognized at bars and then it causes you to get super drunk because then they give you free drinks and stuff? Yes. Yeah. And I can't say no because, you know, you grew up broke.

So then somebody's like, here's a shot of tequila. I'm like, well, I have to take this. This is $12. Yeah, when I was eight, I could have never imagined. Yeah. When I was eight, I could have never imagined. Yeah. Getting drunk is, I didn't used to drink a whole lot. Like, I'd be like, no, I'm okay, you know. But.

Welcome to the pod. Yeah. Man. You have a bit about, though, how it makes, how alcohol tastes better if it's. If you're a father. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I think this has been has been like an emotional year

like i've never been in my emotions this much and that's what caused me to drink more yeah don't do that usually it touches your legs you got off lucky yeah this is good at like hiding feelings oh yeah and it just turns them into happiness here here well if you have the right type of if you're the right type of drinker some people uh they go angry yeah i've seen i've seen that what i'll be honest when i black out i go angry really really yeah i mean i haven't been there i mean you get a bad report yeah somebody told me that i blacked out and then i and then i opened up a 12-pack of sodas, and then I

just started smashing them on the ground, which I think was still pretty cool, but they said I was just cussing a lot. All right. Yeah. That's not so bad. I thought you were hitting a woman or something. Nah, nah. That's later.

I love her. I'm a lover, not a fighter. Yeah. You're fine. There's a lot worse drunks. Yeah, I'd be all right. Yeah. You should see my dad.

Is he a bad drunk? Oh, my God. I met him. He's so nice. Where'd you meet my dad? New Orleans. Right, right. Yeah, he was sober.

Okay. You give him a few pops, and it is just black-eyed city mom. It's those really nice, quiet dudes. They got all the anger pent up. Exactly, exactly. Like the clean comedians. Yes, yeah, it's Cosby. Did he hit you ever?

Oh, man. He would always hit me on the ass, but he would hit you pretty good. Did you have a nice ass? I used to. Yeah? Yeah. He hit you out of it. He spanked it out of you?

Yeah. One time he was tying my shoes and I kept moving my foot. Oh, I hate when my son does that Yeah I was a dick I was a piece of shit kid Oh shit He just He gave me the

The shake And then the spin And then the wallop The trifecta I don't know why I'm imagining you Your dad hitting you But like in a In a silly play

No no play And then when they turn you around they do the sound effect no no it was bad and he would always be like what are you gonna do if you go in the military huh somebody gonna put your shoes on for you i was like jesus christ have you met me i'm not joining the military yeah right i'm not gonna be Norman. Yeah. Parents have the weirdest questions, man. Oh, yeah. Like, the weirdest what-ifs. My friend's brother-in-law's dad died. My friend has six sisters. Wow.

And one of their husband's dad, who lives in Mexico, died. And my friend's mom was telling him in front of me, she's like, did you tell Javi that you're sorry his dad died or whatever? And my friend doesn't talk to this guy much. Yeah. They've said two words to each other in the last eight years. She's like, no, I haven't seen him. And she's like, what's the matter with you, Jaime?

She's like, one day when your dad dies, who's going to come for you? He was just like, I don't know. You? Not Javi, my sister's husband who I talked to twice. Right. Well, you're a dad. husband who I talked to twice. Right. Well, you're a dad. Yeah, I'm a dad. So are you asking weird questions?

Yeah, I guess so. Like, sometimes he walks slow. I'm like, what are you going to do if you're around fast walkers? Yeah. But he's just like not go around fast walkers. And I'm like, he's a smart kid. Got me there. Yeah, he's four.

He's all right. He's doing better than I am at that age. You were kid young yeah i had a kid when i was 22 whoa yeah yeah it's crazy i you know it's a good thing that i didn't have any success at 22 i would have had more kids because i can't have kids now yeah well according to doctors you know yeah well according to doctors you know yeah apparently oh really yeah I went and got a semen analysis just for the hell of it maybe it's not your kid not yeah he is to set just for trying to go Colombo on his ass just for cool points here I took I took ownership of them when I still wasn't sure if he was my kid damn but then we got a DNA test.

They're like, nah, he is your kid. And I was like, oh, shit. That's like cool. It's too bad you weren't like a big comic kid. That could have been a live stream. You could have made some fucking bank on that. Or maybe. Or Maury Povich.

I don't know. But if I would have been getting more like attention from girls back then, I would have had more kids. Which probably. Yeah. It's probably not would have been a good. It probably wouldn't have been good, you know? Oh, yeah. Yeah yeah but i went and did a semen analysis one time just because i i just i don't know i was curious about that stuff really yeah and there was a you could take a

semen analysis for like 125 bucks at a clinic and i thought that was kind of cool i always wanted to like medically masturbate oh yeah they give you a room and some porn right yeah semen analysis sounds like a michael douglas movie from the story michael douglas and demi moore i'm too scared to get the results they're gonna be like oh your jizz is fine but you have aids i thought i don't know i just i just thought it would be like a fun experience. I don't know why. I thought it would be funny. To jack off in a doctor's office? Yeah.

And like I went to the office. Like I got a ride there. I got dropped off. Like if I was going to the movies or some shit. And I did it. Like I was in the. Did they give you a magazine or something? Yeah.

So they put you in this room with like a magazine. But I mean, you got your phone. They give you the code to the Wi-Fi too. Okay. But the magazine got me started. A magazine. and the magazines were from like the 90s that was pretty hot yeah damn no asses they they had no playboys they had like dirtier stuff than playboys and you're like under 18 what the hell is this that's crazy um yeah and then like i thought i was like man once i got to the doctor i was just kind of like

man why did i do this like this is gonna be kind of weird like what if i can't even like get one out i was actually it actually was way quicker than at home like the whole thing it was like a hot experience i was like this is fucking cool like yeah that's kind of wrong yeah and then you're like oh if i jerk off this quickly in public, not public, but in a new, like I could jerk off in other places. Totally. Yeah, the whole thing was like fun. I don't know. But yeah, I gave him the cup and I had to walk by like the desk with the receptionist ladies.

And I don't know. At first it kind of felt weird. Even that felt like a flex. Like, check this out. I had no problem. It's a coquitoquito that's what they call these in puerto rico it's a small nut put a little put a little garnish in it yeah then i went back to like the waiting room and they called me back and the doctor was like look there's like four

criteria that your semen has to meet for you to be able to have kids. And you're engaged, yo. Then why is it on your lips? The guy was like, yours meets none of them. I was like, wait, what? And he was just like, yeah, like, well, I met three of them, I think, out of four. It was like, my sperm is not shaped right. It's like very low count. Like, very few of it is even moving.

Whoa. Yeah. And something else, I forgot what it was. They were like they were like i was like wait so can i not have kids and he's like i'm not gonna say you can't have kids i will say that there's a very very like small small chance like close to none he's like but you know if you want to have kids we can refer to you refer you to a specialist and you get started on that stuff he's like but we recommend you do that sooner than later they're like within a few years you'll have no chance of having kids or even like fixing it wow i was like holy shit i was like damn this day started off so funny it's not funny anymore yeah and you just

jizzed too like what a weird yeah went from like hey all right to damn that sucks but i mean it's whatever it's not like i was like like yeah i might have kids one day and like a family anyway so i was like it's whatever yeah but maybe i like I was like, yeah, I'm going to have kids one day and a family anyway. So I was like, yeah, it's whatever. Yeah, but maybe I wonder if something in you knew. Like, I need to go get that because I've never had an urge to get my jizz checked. Yeah, like a primal level. Yeah. I think there was like a-

No, I mean like to even have a kid earlier is what I meant. Oh, oh. Oh, interesting. Yeah. I think there was like a few scares that turned to nothing that maybe had like given me an idea like what if i just can't have kids you know but i don't know going to that clinic was like i don't know i'm glad that i found out because look for being honest i wasn't gonna be pulling it out anyway yeah that's true you know now i'm just more comfortable with it

i don't know sometimes the fear of giving somebody a baby that's the hottest part yeah good point yeah good point like this could ruin my life this is so or hers you know yeah that's true that is hot yeah it's pretty hot yeah ruining lives it's just hot all around just the idea but you don't actually do it yeah the idea once you Yeah. It's pretty hot. Yeah. Ruining lives, that's just hot all around. It's just the idea, but you don't actually do it. Yeah, the idea. Once you ruin it, it's not hot no more. No, no.

Then you got to kill her. The risk. No, but that's fun. Maybe I'll get my jizz checked. You know, you want to jizz and stuff. We'll do an episode. Oh, Patreon. I'll give you my doctor's card.

Please. Doctor. Now we're doing it here. Ah, nice. yeah we might turn around we might be infertile they should make like a cvs test and maybe we could just put the strip in the cum wait five minutes like covid yeah like fuck i got two lines, dude. The hard part for me would be not to call it every other, like, jizz, cum, you know, spunk. You got to say semen. I never heard of spunk. That's a good word.

I'm going to steal that. Jizz. Jizz is a good one. Jizz is classic. Cum. What else is there? Splooge. Splooge.

Baby batter. Nut. I like nut. Nut is good. Yeah. Nuts make the world go around. Oh, yeah. Just a squirrel chasing baby batter. Nut. I like nut. Nut's good. Yeah. Nuts make the world go around. Oh, yeah. Just a squirrel chasing a nut.

Yeah. I like that you brought your kid to this episode, man. He was a nut. It's my seed. Yeah. Seed. Holy shit. I thought you were making a joke.

There's a kid right there. I like how he's wearing his Beats by Dre. This would be an amazing Beats by Dre commercial. We're just like nuts, splooges. There's like a kid right there like, hey, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. The wheels on the bus go round and round. Yeah, yeah.

I got to check my jizz out. Maybe I'll do a 23andMe. You ever done that? I did one, yeah. Really? I was drunk in a bar and a girl was like, I'll do it for you. And she just sent me one. bar, and a girl was like, I'll do it for you. And she just sent me one, and I did it.

And it was like, yeah, it's nothing crazy. What, Ashkenazi? It's like everything I knew. Ashkenazi Jew. Oh, fuck. Whoa. Holy shit. Oh, no.

Merry Christmas. How you doing? Oh, I'm fantastic. I've just been delivering presents to all the good girls and boys and thought I'd come to visit you guys and say hi. Do Jews get to celebrate Christmas too? Oh, yes. Wow.

No. No presents. Nothing. No presents though. You get to watch us give presents. Yeah. Here you go. You got one of these.

He's received his eight crappy gifts that equal one. Yeah. There you go. What are you on, Ozempic, Santa? You look great. Oh, yeah, Santa's been a little more fit. He's on the keto a little bit. Okay.

Who invited Richard Dreyfuss? This is great. So, how has everybody been? Great. Great. Been a good boy. He's been jizzing in public. Oh.

Yeah. That puts you on the naughty list. Nah, nah, nah. You already brought the toys. This is our ho, ho, ho. That's me. Hey. How are you?

I'm good. I'm also a Jew but half, so Santa's been to my house. Break the toy in half and give it to her. Yeah, yeah. Break it in half or give you half. How's it looking at the side with the batteries, I hope? Yeah. Hey, there you go. Very good. Give it to her. Yeah, there you go. Santa, any stops at Epstein's Island this year?

How was it? Well, there was many children, but I decided to leave as quickly as possible. Good luck, Santa. I still saw your name on the list, though. How were those slay logs? Yeah, did you slay any puss? All right. Always with the puns.

Even as a little kid, you were always good with puns. Well, my dad hit me. What do you got in the bag? Anything we can see? Well, yes. Do you guys like candy canes? We kicked at a gun. Oh, boy. We're jelly.

We should have gotten a black Santa. Come on. Those are in right now. Although, he would have been late. These Santas are taking our job. Well, I have, let's see. So funny. What are you, an out-of-work actor?

How'd you get this gig? Oh, that's fun. Oh, yes. Whoa. What the fuck? How's that even possible? It's called A Little Bit of Christmas Magic. Wow.

If you wouldn't be jizzing in public so much, you'd know a little bit more about it. Holy shit. I want that toy. Yeah. Look at that. Oh, I see we're making it rain over here. Hell yeah. That was a real hundred.

That was way more impressive than you think, Santa. Yeah, Matt, did you happen to invite Mrs. Claus with giant fake tits? She has regular fake tits. All right. We got two right here if you need them. Are those really fake booze? Yeah. Grab that.

I have candy canes if you would like them, but it looks like you're already... Sorry, Santa. I've got my toy. I'll take one. Yeah, we got our sugar. Give J-Mo a candy cane. Something to suck on. Yeah. sugar give jamo a candy cane something to suck on yeah what a special christmas this is are you jealous of our people

huh i bet you wish you believed in christ now instead of killing him we did what we had to do yeah you had one carpenter and we killed him. Now we call maintenance. Yes, I have many, many children to visit and a lot of them on the good list this year. So I'm going to have to deliver some more presents. It was wonderful to see you. Oh, hey, is that it? Thank you. All right, someone plug in Kevin Spacey's GPS for him.

See those little boys. You got the original sweatshop over there in the North Pole, huh? Yes, it's very nice. It's nice, cheap labor. Yeah. You just have to feed them some milk and cookies that I take from the houses that I come to, so it's pretty quite easy.

A lot of people think that I eat them, but no, instead I bring them so I can get some free labor. You know, I just remember when I was a kid, I saw you fucking my mom. Yes, that was very nice. I thought it was my dad. Have a wonderful, wonderful Christmas. Thank you, Santa.

Hey, thank you, Kris Kringle. Thanks for hitting Mark as a kid. Made me a comedian. All right. Well, that was cute. That was super wholesome. Minus all the Epstein stuff. Yeah, we dirtied it up.

I forget that you're Jewish. What did I like around this time? What are you doing wearing this? I'm having fun. You're appropriating our culture now. That's our thing, bro. Hey, I'm trying to stay incognito. These are tough times.

That's true. I like how the only person he didn't address was the eight-year-old in the room. He's just like, well, he's got to stay 10 feet away. No, this time of year, I mean, Hanukkah, it's fun. Get the latkes. We got our fun shit going on. Look, it's your time of year. Hanukkah's a strong feature act.

All right. Be real. Christmas is that. We're getting by, honey. All right. In the middle. You throw a latke. I'm like, yeah, that's real fun.

Have you not had a latke? What is that? Oh, the potato pancakes are great. Delicious. They're so good. Yeah? Are they? I don't know.

They're potato pancakes. Next time you're on, we're going to get some. All right. They're not good? No, they're fucking delicious. They are? Throw a little sour cream on them. Yeah? A little apple sauce. All right. They're potato pancakes. Next time you're on, we're going to get some. They're not good? No, they're fucking delicious. They are? Throw a little sour cream on them? Yeah.

A little applesauce. They're fucking good. I'll bring tamales. There you go. I'm going to have backup on this soon. Trust me. I mean, love a potato pancake. Bring it on.

I'd like to try it. Eight crazy nights. David Tell, you said a bit about how his family was the worst with Hanukkah. They would take one gift and stretch it over eight nights. They'd be like, all right, night one, a bike handlebars. I saw him last night at the cellar. It's always fun to see. I love his joke.

So where in Texas are you? I'm like outside of Dallas. I don't want to say where exactly. Weirdos. But you're thinking of maybe moving here? Yeah. Right now I've just been spending like two weeks out of the month here. But once I get an apartment, then I'll be over here longer.

Yeah. Why not L.A.? Can I ask? L.A. is all right. But, I mean, my main reason for moving here is just to keep doing stand-up in front of, like, strangers. Hell yeah. Yeah. You need that. Yeah. I feel like my crowds are for moving here is just to keep doing stand-up in front of strangers. Hell yeah. Yeah. You need that.

Yeah. I feel like my crowds are spoiling me a little bit. I get away with saying stuff that's not even that funny, but they know me to the point where like, I don't know. It's like doing comedy in front of your cousins. Yeah. You're a big fish and you want to go, maybe I'll be a smaller fish for a minute. Yeah.

Well, I want to, I don't know. I don't want to say stuff that only my crowd thinks is funny. Sure, well, I want to, like, I don't know. I don't want to say stuff that only my crowd thinks is funny. I'm not going to feel funny. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like making your friends laugh.

Like, I want to make strangers laugh. And plus in New York, you know, you're like diverse crowds. And maybe it's just feeding my ego, but it feels good to make just some, like,

Swedish tourist laugh. Yeah. Or like a random Indian girl. You play enough of those crowds, you're like, don't any of you know the fucking language? Norway again.

Yippee. I know, right? You're just going to make me super Republican. We did a show together last week and your crowd was there. It looked like a lot of your cousins out in the audience.

And then a fist fight broke out. Yeah, after the show. What? Yeah, some guy named Muhammad. I'm saying it like that because he wanted to make sure I said it like that. I was like, what's your name? He's like, Mo. I was like, all right.

And he was just like, well, my name is Muhammad, but I don't want you to think anything about that. And he was just like, just make sure you say it right, Muhammad. Yeah, and then afterwards, like people were yelling you say it right muhammad yeah and then afterwards uh like people were yelling at him they're getting really mad at him um for the record i don't i'm not like on any side israel palestine whatever this had nothing to do with that no dog in the fight yeah but uh yeah afterwards people were like talking shit to him and he got one of the wine bottles on the side of the wall oh really

at the at the city winery and he like smashed it on somebody's head what i didn't know about that yeah muhammad you're a fucking asshole bro damn yeah damn that's but yeah that's why i try to avoid like sharing a flyer too much sometimes yeah i am in town so i don't want it to just become like my fans sure yeah holy i want i want other people's fans yeah i am in town so i don't want it to just become like my fans sure yeah holy i want i want other people's fans yeah i want more people like that at the show he seems cool uh no that's uh i know you mean it's like it is something like refreshing especially with new material when it's not your people and you're like oh this is an accurate read that joke stinks that's right to hear that oh yeah no there's been there's been so many times where i'm like man i think i

got a new five and then i do it here and i'm like, man, I think I got a new five. And then I do it here. And I'm like, no, I don't. It's just a five in front of my crowd. Right. Yeah, you got to make strangers laugh. It's nothing like a hot weekend if you're like Madison Comedy on State and they're just too good. And you're like, I got a new 10 for sure.

I got a new 40 seconds max. I got nothing. Yeah. It's true. Also, I mean, my crowds are mostly always latino but when i go from like texas towards the east like across the south the midwest up to the east coast then they can get like different types of latino they're like puerto ricans dominicans there'll be a few black people a few white people whatever and i know i can get through a show with more of an accurate read.

Also, I know I can get through like a full show where I don't want to do crowd work. Maybe I just want to do the jokes. Yeah. But once I get to like Texas going towards the west, it just becomes like all Mexican crowds. And I am getting a little tired of like there's always at least one person or 20 people in each show going, fuck George Lopez. And I'm like, just let me do the jokes.

Oh, man. Because you had a little thing with him. Yeah. But you guys are cool now, though? I guess. I don't know. I guess so. That's the problem with comedy now.

Talk to him on the phone. Everybody wants the drama. You know, what's up with you? Who are you feuding with? Who is this? And they make YouTube videos about it. And it's annoying. Yeah.

I just like, damn. I was avoiding. Yeah. Like, I was doing my best to avoid getting compared to Lopez. Because I feel like that's like the, like, I don't know. Even when I was just open micing, people were like, yeah, you're going to be the next Lopez? Right. And I was like, I don't want to be the next Lopez.

So you're starting a new show on TBS called Barbosa tonight. But yeah, I was just trying my best to avoid being compared to lopez but then lopez brought up my name and i now i have no choice yeah but that's like that's toxic energy if they're if they're it's like this isn't wwe it's like we don't want to just like exactly i'm not doing it i'm not cutting a promo i'm working on my act here you know yeah and then one time one time people talked about it one time somebody yelled it out of show and i was like nah it's cool me and lopez are cool he he called and apologized and then this one guy was like really mad he's like no he didn't he never apologized to you i was like all right he did you're the one that brought it up yeah what the

you want me to do like i don't i don't like when people don't believe something i say like if i have like a reason to lie sometimes uh what was the i honestly don't know when people don't believe something I say, like, if I have, like, a reason to lie. Sometimes. What was the, I honestly don't know what he did to you. What did he do? They brought me up on a podcast. And all he, I wasn't even mad. All he did was just, they brought up my name so much in this podcast that he was just like, who the fuck is that guy? He's like, don't say his name on here.

Fuck him. Which is, like, fine. Like, that's his podcast equipment. He can say whatever he wants. Like, like don't say his name on here fuck him which is like fine like that's his podcast equipment you can say whatever you want like yeah i'm not gonna i don't really care also wasn't like a big lopez fan i wasn't like oh fuck like it's all right you know you say what you want but yeah mexicans got real mad and i think a lot of the mexican crowds that come out i think i have tons of mexican fans that just followed me because they followed me but then i think there were so many people that followed i found out who I was because of him and followed me because of him. And I think a lot of them, especially like the older ones, like in San Antonio had like a lot of the older Mexican guys.

And I feel like some of them are just there out of hate for George Lopez. Hey, fuck it. I'll take a fan. Sell his tickets. Yeah, whatever. But yeah. Man, can some legend come out and say fuck Sam Morrell, please? I want to bump. Mark will say it. Yeah, whatever. But yeah, you can- Man, can some legend come out and say, fuck Sam Morrell, please? I want a bump.

Mark will say it. Yeah, yeah. I don't remember the legend, but I'll say it. But wait, what was the phone call like? Was that awkward? Not really. I answered the phone, and he was like, what, yeah? No, he didn't say that.

How did he get your number? Through this other dude named Edwin, who put together that HBO Latino Film Festival stand-up competition. It's a mouthful. I don't know. He gets Latinos together. Yeah. And he was like, man, he wants to call you or whatever. I was like, yeah, give him my number.

And he just called me. He was just like, hey, man, it's George Lopez. And I got a little star shook. I was like, what the fuck? He was just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, listen, got a little starstruck i was like what the fuck he was just like yeah yeah he's like listen listen and i was like oh shit my bad man when i said again i was like what the fuck and he was like no no just listen man it's like i want to apologize i was like you really don't have to apologize man you're like a veteran comic like you don't you don't owe me an apology you're just shooting the shit on your podcast fuck it and he was just like nah man i gotta, I got to apologize. Like, as a comic, as a man, like, you know, I didn't know who you were.

Yeah, I was like, all right, man, I appreciate it. I was like, you really have to, but appreciate it. And he was like, now you got my number. You know, if you need help or anything, hit me up. So, I don't know. Damn. I don't know how many Mexican fans you have, but if you're out there, it's over. We got a couple.

Yeah, we keep them in cages. mean i'm here i love this you tell this like nice redeeming story and then you're like let me get my outfit on yeah but yeah that's nice and he did it i just think it's he can do whatever he wants on his pod it's his pod whatever but it's a weird instinct to just be like who's this young new guy fuck him that's that's a weird even if you think that it's just weird to say it makes you sound a little washed yeah and bitter yeah it makes you sound like a little a lot of people well i think on that same podcast because they were they were he was basically like yeah nobody helped me so i don't help nobody which i've heard is like his whole thing but i don't think that's true not from i mean then again it's just rumors i've heard but But didn't they say, like, Sandra Bullock helped him get his show?

Oh, I don't know. Is that right? Blindside? Yeah, Blindside. Speed. Blindside 2. Yes. I don't know what other movies she's made.

The Net. The Net. Bird Box. Bird Box. Miss Congeniality. That was just recently. Yeah. She had a run.

Yeah. I don't know. I heard rumors that she kind of helped them get his show going really pull that up is that that that's interesting yeah man that's interesting too it's like i don't know also if someone didn't help you you just go by the motto i'm not going to help anybody yeah how about you go the other way i've seen comics who have had easier easier roads than we have and doesn't influence how we treat them. Yeah, right. Yeah, that's weird. Yeah, I don't know.

Oh yeah, they're pictured together here. And I also think everyone's been helped. I think that's horseshit. Discovered there's no way. Yeah, you see? Look at that. You're gonna tell me that's not help? Maybe she didn't help them. Maybe they made a deal. Maybe they were fucking. Maybe she was like, you do my landscaping for a year. You got a show, buddy. And then you know what I heard? I heard Carlos Mencia did her landscaping for a year you got a show buddy and then you know what

i heard i heard carlos mencia did her landscaping the next year i got you three no that's uh that's so fucking weird that he said that about you i don't i don't care i knew there was a thing but i didn't know what it was but uh that's weird yeah what are you gonna do what are you gonna do and if it got you a couple fans who hate lopez fuck it yeah yeah and you'll be nice to the next generation of comics you know yeah yeah yeah or not whatever maybe i'll be the next lopez for real okay no one help me lopez shit on me i'm gonna shit on the next hot latina comic but shitting on you is actually better than giving you props, I think, because it gets more buzz. Oh, yeah.

The whole reverse psychology. You tell somebody to throw out the trash, they're not going to do it. So maybe he did help you. Maybe this is what he was doing. Maybe George Lopez is like a real Mexican Jesus Christ. Real Jesus there. Yeah. Just sacrificed himself for me.

He Obi-Wan-ed you. He Obi-Wan-wan do you i like it i just looked at him as he let himself get struck by that all right well there you go lopez but yeah it's all right who were some of the dudes when you were coming up that you were like oh that's one of my dudes has anyone reached out to you like that like any like other vets the older guys that reached out to me that i was just like holy shit this guy reached out you did reset yourself up for no i was like i meant like vets i meant like i meant like of that of that generation burt burt likes you yeah burt is cool um you know who's always like fucking super awesome to me as cool as hell let me open for him give me advice it's dan soda yeah oh really he was badass great guy great guy great comic big jay let me play basketball at his place hey yeah i heard

jay's not bad at hoops he's not bad i mean not to be cocky but i whooped everybody there are you good i did all right uh i haven't played in like a few months, but around that time, I was still playing pretty often. Yeah. Well, Big J, the chain wallet gets in the way. It's hard to play. Also, everybody who played was like smoking hella weed before the game. Oh, yeah. I didn't.

I was like, no, I'm good. Everybody had like a height advantage. I was like, I'm not going to be high and short. Right. Right. I was playing yesterday outdoors my friend dory and we're uh we're just like shooting around and these two dudes walked up to us with their girlfriends and they were like you guys want to play i'm like fuck these guys they profiled us

little asian guy we'll cook we fucking cook yeah in front of their girlfriends it was so satisfying i had something similar like that happen and i got fucking just just whooped. Really? By some high schoolers. High schoolers, they're tough to beat. Yeah, they're so fast. Yeah. They were black. They cheated. It does suck, because we're playing rec centers on the road, and some of these kids can fucking

hoop. Oh, yeah. I think we played it actually in Dallas, and these kids were nasty. They were doing all the new moves, like some James Harden back stuff. I'm like, what is this? Karma Lynch, everybody. Hey, happy holidays. New special on- all the new moves like some james harden back stuff i'm like what is this carmen lynch everybody hey happy holidays new special on uh do you know ralph yeah okay i know you but we don't know each other now new special on mark's youtube that's right it's cooking it's called queef week queef

week queef week queef week i guess you were involved in the creative too. I didn't have help. No, he did not. That was all her. Believe it or not. But yeah, we did the live chat yesterday. That's fun. They loved you when you jumped in. I know.

Sorry. It's got cracking. That took so long. I was puking all day. Yeah. I really went too hard the night before. We did protect our parks. Look at Ari.

I took a shot of him. Oh, God. He's a 78-year-old man still going hard. You got to hand it to him. Why is it orange? I think we had barbecue. It's like Moses extended the desert. He couldn't make it through 12 steps. If I could have made it through that joke, it would have been funny.

That was funny. Can I get another coquito? And do you want a cocktail or are you driving? No, I'd love a cocktail. Please. The special is over. Yes. This is a big year for specials.

You got a special. I got a special. Oh, thank you. You got one. We haven't even plugged you. Ralph's special on Netflix. Cowabunga. Two hilarious comics here.

So definitely check them both out. Hell yeah. And this is a special Christmas episode. We already had Santa show up. You never know who's going to pop in. Oh, that's true. That's true. What's your special called?

Cowabunga. Nice. Thank you. No queefs in it? No, none that you can hear. Although his jizz is poison, we found out. Yeah. He can't procreate.

He's procreated, but he can't procreate anymore, is, we found out. Yeah. He can't procreate. He's procreated, but he can't procreate anymore is what we found out. One and done. Why? Yeah. Who told you? The doctor.

Yeah. And, you know, women. That's kind of a nice line, though, to have with a woman. You're like, I can't have babies, so I guess we don't have to wear a condom.

Yeah. I've said it, and they're like, I'm going to buy a Plan B anyway. And I'm like, I'm not going to pay for it. Yeah, what about you? I've done my part. Yeah, you're good. You went to the doctor.

You got it checked out officially. Yeah, I just walk around with the paperwork. There you go. I just show the girl right before you bang. Get it laminated, dude. Just throw it on the fucking bar table. It just says, most likely not. With a 20 on it.

So, oh. Oh, you're infertile, right? You're dead inside. I mean, I don't care about children. It's like I'm infertile. Okay, yeah. I want a dog. Infertile in the mind.

Yeah. Are you going to get a comic with a dog? Can you pull that off? No, no. I can't get one because my landlord won't allow it. And I don't want my boyfriend to have to take care of it. But one day. What kind of dog would you do?

I don't even know what they're called. Just something little and cute and playful. Something that doesn't shit too big. Thank you. Cheers. Cheers. What is this? Comedy.

It's like an eggnoggy. I'm Puerto Rican. I don't know. Everyone's like from different Spanish backgrounds. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You got a Spanish background, right? I'm from Spain.

Spain. That's the original Spanish. Oh, shit. Yeah, Spaniard. Well, thank you. This is scary. This must be how black people feel around white people. You took us over.

I know. Everyone says that, and then it gets so awkward. white people. You took us over. I know. Everyone says that, and then it gets so awkward. I want to apologize. Nah. Can you do sets in Spanish? Can I do sets in Spanish? I've never tried it. What?

Try it right now. Nah, nah. Mexicans hate my Spanish. How the pollo crossed the road or whatever. Nah, dude. Mexicans judge your Spanish so hard. Oh, right, right. Everyone judges.

I have a special coming out on Friday, and they're going to, like, rip me apart. It's in Spanish? Really? Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah, the Spanish people. Because I talk like an eight-year-old Spanish girl. I lived there until I was eight.

It's going to be, they're going to rip me up. Here's what sucks, too, and I get jealous of it. Is people whose first language is not Spanish, when they do comedy spanish like spanish speakers love it like mexicans love to hear like tom segura in spanish they love it yeah because they're being like vulnerable but like if i speak spanish and then i get words wrong they're like you fucking moron you're supposed to know this shit like disappointed dad do you think it's because you're darker than segura is that oh for sure yeah it's because i look like i should be able to and i and i don't you know what i mean it's like watching a darker than Segura? Oh, for sure. Yeah. It's because I look like I should be able to

and I don't. You know what I mean? It's like watching a seven foot two person miss a basket. Right. What do you mean you can't dunk? You fucking idiot.

Segura's playing with house money. Yeah. Smart. Yeah. Thank you. That's the Spanish one. Give a listen to this. Si yo tuviera una pistola

y alguien me dijera que matara a una de tus hijas. That's a literary. Sounds like you're mocking a Spaniard. I know it does. I'm mocking my mother. Oh, okay. It's funny because the facial expressions are still funny. There's things that still translate. Your Spanish is pretty good, though, because spanish like spain your spanish it's

spanish it's the vocabulary that throws me off i say the wrong thing every once in a while okay and it comes out more sing-songy than my english comment my vocabulary and my like accent it's just like i don't know i'll stop now all. I've disappointed enough Mexicans for one day. I almost asked for more ice than I want to offend you guys. Get some ice in here. Well, that's nice. A couple of Spaniards. If I had to know one language, it would be Spanish.

Yeah? Because you guys are really taking over. If you had to? Yeah, we are. Yeah. Nice. You're coming in. I mean, give it a go.

It's handy in New York. Yeah. I mean, what am I, Italian? No one uses Nice. You're coming in. I mean, give it a go. It comes in handy in New York. Yeah. I mean, what am I, Italian? No one uses that. Chinese were coming in handy. I want to know what they're saying about me in those restaurants. Oh, yeah. Good point.

Yeah. They're mean. They're mean. The meaner a Chinese server is, the better the food is going to be. It's a good point. Chinese could be big, though. I mean, I feel like if you're touring, you're looking at, now I'm getting agency on you you hit shanghai you're making some fucking money that's true that's true yeah there's a million of them yeah or more than that japanese i want to learn japanese they

got cool cars they got like arcades everything's cute yeah hello kitty i'm i get intimidated easy i don't get intimidated by japanese stuff you you know? Nah. That's so hard to learn, though. That would take so long. But they blur their porn. What? Bring it up. Pull it up. What is the point of the porn if you want to blur it? They're repressed people.

Keep the kid on the other side of the TV for this. I've never been more angry at America until I found out. I feel like that's our fault. No, we don't blur it. But we nuke them and we just traumatize them and now they're blurring porn. We've never been more angry at America until I found out. I feel like that's our fault. No, we don't blur it. But we nuke them and we just traumatize them and now they're blurring porn. We've roasted all their genitals. This clip right here is where Matt loses custody in a divorce.

Roll the clip where he's searching Japanese penises. His wife's like, I'll take full custody. Yeah, Japan. I mean, Kyoto's supposed to be beautiful. Yeah. I mean. Bukk to be beautiful. Yeah. Yeah, I mean. Bukkake. It's a beautiful nation.

That's supposed to be like, that's where like the billionaires, that's where like Steve Jobs would go on vacation is like Kyoto. Oh, come on. Kyoto's where you see like the real geishas. Really? Yeah. Whoa. The old timey like call girls.

I went to China. I know it's, call girls. I went to China. I know it's not Japan, but I went to China and we had a tour guide. And he was like a fat, ugly guy with like a Wolverine t-shirt and long stringy hair. And I go, what guy are you here? He's like, the pussy. Like, he just came out with it. He's like, I can't get laid in America, so I moved here. And I was like, all right, I respect the honesty.

That is fucking weird. But he's like, I clean up because I'm a- yeah i'm a five foot eleven white guy just being different will get you laid oh yeah it's like being black here dick's a little bigger you know you feel taller you can dance a little it's a whole different world but that's true for comedy too don't you think if you like move to new zealand you'd be huge well you guys are huge but no that's true for comedy too, don't you think if you like move to New Zealand you'd be huge? Well, you guys are huge. No, that's true. Arch Barker. Yeah proof of that Who's that? Oh He was big in Australia before I feel like the internet like yeah It was I feel like now a lot of comics can sell tickets overseas just because of YouTube

But there was a time when you know you had to kind of go there and build an audience and he was one of the early guys right yeah a little bit didn't you a little they played comedy central over there and for some reason his just caught you know sometimes like you do really good like drew carrie apparently was huge in japan as well yeah i want to build a fan base like in japan or like China just but like I don't know so I don't know I even if it was just like 50 people and just film like a special with an all Japanese cool. I'm just like my age and I'd advise you against this being your next special I'm gonna go for it

No, I just think it'd be hilarious just to see me be like and then my grandma was like yeah a bunch of Japanese people be like to see me be like and then my grandma was like and a bunch of Japanese people were like ah yeah

well Japanese and Mexican I think there's a lot of similarities you like rice that's true you like rice that's about it I always felt

that was like the classic Norman setup but it just ran out of steam tiny penis I always felt like we went along good like we could relate to

Irish people. Oh, really? Yeah. Because I saw I was watching some movie. I forgot what movie it was. I just remember the guy saying, like, I'm Irish. Like, we don't go to therapy. We drink or something.

And then what was it on Good Will Hunting when they're like, I heard you got an Irish curse? Oh, yeah. Every time they describe Irish people, I'm relating so hard. Yeah, I don't think Mex mexicans you're not big into therapy that's not part of the culture wow you you drink you don't tell your son you love him you know you drink some more there you go go to work that's just a new york thing i think what therapy yeah therapy yeah for sure woody allen really pushed and then it turned out he was the most fucked up as all also therapists are the

most crazy I mean like I've done it a lot but I've also realized most of the craziest people in my life are therapists yeah yeah

I have a fucking complete and there's a completely insane person I know that is a therapist really another one I got attacked by a therapist

in Vermont he broke a fucking pint glass over my head there you go he's not gonna be practicing for the next few years. The fuck did you tell him? I thought it was like confidential. Well, I didn't say anything that bad, but what happened was, I was trying to do this

bit about how Mexicans and Japanese people were like, and it just didn't go over. No, I, uh, I, we just kind of exchanged a few words. It was nothing that bad, but he was in a blackout and he went for, he actually went for a cop's gun. He was, he was, he was hoping for suicide by cop. He was going through an ugly divorce and he blacked out

and it was like, you know, he should talk to a therapist. Yeah. Right. That's the best kind of therapist. What would you learn from like a normal person?

You need a really fucked up person to learn. I guess so. Take it from me. Yeah. It's time to commit suicide by cop. But it's like how a lot of cops are actually corrupt. They're actually criminals themselves.

They go together. It's a yin and a yang. So most therapists are helping you with your fucked up mental shit. What are you looking for in therapy when you guys go? A little clarity. This is because of this. That's why you do that. It helps you realize why you do things and why you are the way you are.

Breaking bad patterns. You want to break bad patterns? That's where you go. I think that's a lot of it. Just crying. Making sense is so crying. Are you in therapy? Oh, yeah.

For 15 years. Do you see Alan? I see his wife. Oh, Beth. Beverly. There's a comedian therapist in New York, Ralph. Do you see Alan? There's a comedian therapist.

There's a comedian therapist specifically for comics's a comedian's therapist specifically for comics? It's like the comedy show. You need two recs. Actually, my boyfriend sees Alan, and then one day I was like, damn it, I can't see him. Because, you know, you can't really share a therapist as a couple. It's not a good idea. Oh, but it's not illegal, but it's frowned upon type thing. Well, yeah, because they're kind of of biased they want to stay on one side and it worked out for

tony soprano and gloria trillo right yeah yeah one of you is gonna kill yourself you know yeah well i like i like his wife it's you know she's in the family so she's good oh okay there you go yeah i know therapists a lot of them have therapists, which feels weird. Yeah. It feels like an anxiety dog with an anxiety dog. Yeah, but they practice what they preach, at least. It's like, okay, well, I at least believe in this. True, true, true.

I've never gone to a therapist, and honestly, I'm trying to see how long I can go without going to one. Well, we'll see when that school gets shut up. You think I'd go for a school? Come on. You're right. What, a bank maybe? You seem pretty stable, though. Yeah, you are put together.

Nah. You don't show it. I will wait until I'm at the hotel, and then I'll eat so many mushrooms. Really? And destroy a hotel room and cause so much noise that i'll almost just cause like a tmz scandal and what news gigs but we could have been hanging out years ago i haven't yet okay i didn't know this side of you yeah i try to hide it that's why i didn't really want to do too much on like on like bert's thing yeah yeah but then like the one night i finally did mushrooms i did what i

always do on mushrooms i just keep eating more and more. And it was still fun, though. I had a good time. Made a few racist jokes. And, yeah. It was all right, you know? Yeah, boy, we're one and the same. Yeah.

But, no, yeah. There's times where I'm just like, I'll go too far. Especially if I, like, drink and get some mushrooms. You guys asked me to bring, like, two recommendations. Bring us a rack. Yeah, hit us with one. Yeah. Honestly, that's the two things I could recommend the most.

Mushrooms and racist jokes? I guess that, too. I was going to say mushrooms and beer. Ooh. Oh, yeah, that's nice. I've never had a bad night on mushrooms and beer. What's your beer? I think Modelo's.

Maybe Budweiser. I like Budweiser's a lot. The heavy? Not the the light you like the negro modelo yeah i like that one too yeah i like the light ones i like miller lights yeah pills it's hard it's hard to find the beer i don't like i like pbrs a lot yeah i don't think i've ever had a beer i just didn't like maybe bud light i don't really like bud light too much okay what about uh guinness i like guinness i like gu I like Guinness. You only have three of them. Yeah.

But I like them. The first time I had a Guinness was here in New York. I didn't even really become a drinker until I started hanging out in New York. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah. My friend who started doing comedy with me in Dallas, he moved out here really early on.

And so I'd come and crash on his couch every now and then just to hit mics or whatever and find out what I'm into out here his roommate ended up being unemployed his roommate worked for the Dr. Oz show for a while my buddy Jake oh yeah Jake but then that show you know went and uh my buddy Jake did it go off the air because he ran for office is that why I don't know I never really asked maybe but yeah my buddy was just free all day while my actual friend fernando would be at work all day so me and jake would just hang out and do mics go showcases and then that dude would just hang out at bars all night and so i couldn't go home i didn't have a key to their apartment so i couldn't come home until jake went home so i just hang out with him yeah

it's like i said in that one joke like you're not gonna be at the bar and not drink right and i just you know became like a drinker there you go it was nice good to have you fell in love with dive bars oh i love a dive there's something kind of special but a dive right it's the best i go on the road and they're like where do you want to go after or there's this great nightclub or this place is like the hot spot i'm like uh fuck a hot spot any bar where you can't have a conversation yes i mean it's, it's like, all we have is our personalities. That's why I always hated those festival parties

where it'd be like, it's all comedians and it'd be like, eh, eh, eh. I know! Just like techno and you're like... I like that after a certain point.

Once I'm a certain amount of drunk, I don't want to talk anymore. Yeah, me and that guy, huh? Sal, is your kid an EDM kid? Especially once I'm hallucinating. We were in Austin a while back, and that was my first time trying Molly. Oh, baby. I was a little drunk.

I had some Molly, I had some mushrooms, and I had these fucking lasers and shit. It was pretty cool. Yeah, Molly is great. It just got a little weird because there's these hot chicks, right? I wanted two drugs. We're such a, right? I want to do drugs. We're such a bad influence. I don't do drugs. You don't?

You've never done Molly or acid or anything? None of that stuff. I do the most old man drugs. I do muscle relaxers. Advil? Where can I get those? I want to try those. Advil's great.

I do. That's where I'm like, all right, I'll be on a flight. Muscle relaxer whiskey that's badass i like that yeah i love psychedelics that help you figure shit out that's supposed to be really good but i don't like that that's not what i like to use it for no it's just fun yeah sometimes people are like do you feel more in tune with living organisms no you just hallucinated like crazy yeah yeah I just laughed a lot exactly like Rick and Morty or something dumb you never did drugs no just ayahuasca that's it whoa ayahuasca

I mean that I'm I told Ari I do his pot like we talk about it like next week, but I went to Peru by myself Like a month ago two months ago and just went for it by myself And now I want to go backwards and do like the lighter ones like shrimps and all that What is ayahuasca exactly? I've never even heard of this what is ayahuasca exactly i've never even heard of this it's a vine that's mixed with uh with different trees i mean someone else will tell you better but it's basically a mixture from the amazon jungle and you drink it and you see a lot of shit what'd you see a lot of shit come on elaborate no no no save it for art no no. You're not even really supposed to share it.

Like, it's one of those, like, you work shit out kind of stuff. Do you work it out? Is it worked out? Chris rocks that he became religious after ayahuasca. That was Neil Brennan. Oh, sorry, Neil Brennan. Sorry. There's stuff that you see.

I mean, you definitely wrestle with the devil, with the demons inside of you. That sounds like not a fun experience. But you come out of it on the other side. I went on a date with a girl once who said, it's 10 years of therapy in one day. I'm like, that's too much therapy. Yeah, but after four hours, it's over. That's pretty nice, I guess.

It's not like you don't have a hangover. Did you puke? Oh, yeah. Uh-ke? Oh, yeah. Uh-oh. Oh, yeah. From all ends. Oh, you do. Puking is from all ends.

You had diarrhea, too? Have you done it? No, but I think the person that I know that did it did it the same way as you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to go all into the jungle and do it. Yeah, like super cleansed after that? What? You just feel like super cleansed after that?

Like you just let it all out? Yeah. after that you just feel like super cleansed after that like you just let it all out yeah and it's it's uh it i don't think it takes one ceremony to figure it out oh no that's how they get you it's a pyramid scheme yeah i keep going back so i need to go tonight i got more shit to figure out damn everybody who i've heard does it loves it. Yeah, Matt Ruby does it, right? He's done it like five times. I mean, you love it after you do it. You don't love it during. Not every habit needs to be a self-destructive nightmare.

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drunk to help making starting the good habit that much easier. There you go. Fume. Hey, sit down. We got you the bitch chair there. The bitch chair. Thank you.

Hi. Another very funny comedian with a new special, Louis Katz. Hey. And I need some backup. They were trashing latkes, Louis. They are just above a hash brown sometimes when they're poorly done, but when they're done right, there we go. That makes them sound more delicious, just above a hash brown sometimes when they're poorly done, but when they're done right, there we go. That makes them sound more delicious, just above a hash brown.

I love a hash brown. Better than a hash brown. Better than a hash brown. They're better than a hash brown. Hell yeah, I'm going to try that. A little egg in there. It makes it light. Ooh, baby.

Yeah. All right, we've got to get back to Christmas. We just lost all our listeners. Palestinian fans, check down. You want a drink? Sure, what do you got? Cookie dough. Cookie dough to drink?

He whited it up. I'll make it for you and you'll figure it out. All right. It's like a Puerto Rican eggnog. Okay, I never even had regular eggnog. I don't know. It's a sex move. Yeah.

I gave her a Puerto Rican eggnog. I always end up quoting Dave Attell's eggnog bit, which he just calls elf cum. Why pour it in glass? Just pour it on my back and call it a night, I think is the tag. Yeah. Love it. Do you guys know each other? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He actually did a guest set for Attell in Dallas. I saw him right away. I was like, you know, usually you see everyone's kind of good these days, but no one's that good. I saw him, I was like blown away first time I saw him.

Really, and I went up to him and I was like gushing. It was kind of embarrassing how much I liked him. This is the dude that got me into the cellar. Yeah.

Whoa! Oh my God, look at this. Yeah, my only, but the one person I recommended, I'm like,

this isn't even a risk. He should be at the cellar and that was easy, you know? Man, they asked me, I was like, don't bring him in't even a risk. He should be at the cellar. And that was easy, you know? Man, they asked me. I was like, don't bring him in. I've wrecked a few people at the cellar. There was one comic I was a little nervous about.

And I remember texting Michael Che. I'm like, can you wreck this guy? Your buddy's with him. And he did. And the guy didn't get past. I was like, thank God. That's on Che. That's on Che.

I mean, really, you're lucky you got in with my recommendation. Now I need you to recommend me to the cellar is really the truth. It's so scary to recommend someone to the cellar unless they're like, you know, the perfect person. I still regret Matt Rife. Just kidding. I think he's in. Is he? Mm-hmm.

I'm sure he did. He did a set there last week. I'm sure he did. With Kevin Hart. Ooh. Yeah. Wow. How'm sure he did a set there. He did a set there last week. I'm sure he did. With Kevin Hart. Ooh. Yeah. Wow. How was that?

I wasn't there. I can't wait to see your guys'. Nah. This is it. We might be drunk the movie. Yeah. Well, hey, it's actually, you're joking, but we're working on it. Really?

Yeah, we are working on the movie. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. I'm sorry. No, go ahead well i did a set with chapelle at the stand and uh rock and kevin hart and they're all in the green room and it was it was a real love fest so they really do have this you know lift each other up yeah yeah i just did i just did a the night of too many stars thing i was a late ad as i said

earlier but like rock is so nice he's a great guy he's such a nice guy you know it's cool that he's like one of the best ever but he's also like yeah he's he's what every time he speaks you're like I got a reevaluate my whole fucking life yes yeah yeah like a few years ago he did an interview like when it's one of his special command like this interview could be a whole nother special like it's all funny it's all like crazy like dropping knowledge it was it was it was amazing my favorite chris rock quote i don't remember where i saw this i might be making it up to make myself feel better

about my decisions but i'm pretty sure i saw him say this where he said that uh if like at my funeral people are talking more about how great i was at stand-up than than how good i was as a father he's like and i really failed and so ever since then i'm like all right let me make more decisions about my son yeah stand up you know yeah that's when your act took a dive I thought you were gonna say he said uh if they're talking more about that I'm better as a stand-up than I am as an actor I'm like that's that's gonna happen yeah not a great actor. Did you see that movie, Top 5? I haven't seen that one.

I've heard that's great. I love that part where he sees DMX, and DMX is trying to sing. It's a great scene. He's just like, oh, shit, I should stick to what I know. That's a great scene. And the Seinfeld in the strip club scene. Holy shit. Yeah.

Oh, I forgot about that. That's a great scene. Damn, I got to see that. Rocket, you know, it's a pretty good movie. He's really good in this movie called Nurse Betty. Remember that one? Oh, yeah. With like Renee Zellweger.

It's like a serious drama, right? Yeah, it's a dark comedy. Yeah, yeah. Or maybe, that's totally off. Yeah, that guy Neil O'Connor made it. It was good. Huh. You saw that, Sal.

Which one is it? Nurse Betty? No, I never saw it. Oh, you're like the film guy here. Yeah. He was also the president in something with Bernie Mac. Yeah, that was fun.

Play the president. Yeah, that one was tight. I like that one. Yeah, Bernie Mac was the film guy in something with Bernie Mac. Yeah, that was fun. Played a president. Yeah, that one was tight. I like that one. Yeah, Bernie Mac was the best. Ah, the best. Bernie Mac and that movie, what is it called? Life? Nah, Soul Brothers.

Oh, with Samuel L. Jackson? Yeah. Soul Men. Soul Men. Soul Men. I liked anything Bernie Mac did. I liked the baseball one he did. I liked Mr. 3000, dude.

Oh, wow. Nobody saw that. Oh 3000 I just liked watching him I loved the Bernie Mac show I just enjoyed him Whatever happened to Bernie Mac So many comics just died You ever seen that movie Life Love Life He's all with the fucked up eyes I'm the pepe

That was fucking great Great movie He's all with the fucked up eyes like, I'm the pepe. Yeah. Yeah, that was fucking great. Great movie. You know what Rock one is kind of underrated is I Think I Love My Wife. Yeah. I thought that was actually, you didn't like it? Yeah, it was good. I liked it. It's okay.

All right, dude. All right, thank you. Remake of a Euro movie. I thought it was good. Yeah, yeah. Buscemi got shot in the face. No, it's a callback. We were talking Buscemi earlier.

He's the friend. Oh, yeah. He's a callback. We were talking Buscemi earlier. He's the friend. Oh, yeah. He's the funny friend. Then he was in Rain On Me. Oh, no, that was Cheadle. Yeah. With Adam Sandler. Wow.

Racist. Sorry. No, but everything, Rock speaks in like, he has these like philosophies where you're like, damn, this dude's fucking, you just shut the fuck up. And I'm like, let this guy just talk. Oh, yeah. Because he's going to say shit that you're like, huh.

Well, there's black people and... Anytime I'm around any veteran comics that I really like, I try my best not to talk. Just listen. I feel like if I just listen,

I'll find out things that I've always been curious about anyway. Yeah, that's how I met Cusby. There's also that thing where like, this kind of sucks. You have to kind of play cool whenever you're in those situations

so you can't really enjoy it. Like you want to really be like, this is awesome. You want to like freak out and you got to be like, hey, what's up? You know, just act normal

and it's not normal. You got to wear gingerbread man suits. That was like that night at the cellar when they all came in at once. Do you remember? And it made it in the paper.

Oh, yeah. It was like, it was Amy, Aziz, Chappelle, Rock, Seinfeld, and I was just me sitting at the table with Keith Robinson. And I think that's when he was, wasn't Jerry like, I like that a little bit. And Attell was like, did you? Was it clean enough? There's a great scene in Comedians in Cars with Zach Galifianakis

and he's like, oh man, Attell, he's like the best comic ever. And Simon's like, yeah. And he goes, well, you don't like Attell? And he goes, he was mean to me once. And they kept it in, I got to say. That's great. Yeah, he kept it in. I find that show to have not enough dirt and too much cutaways of coffee machines.

And that's way better. Speak for yourself. Those coffee machines. I just want to watch more beans, dude. Yeah, right? No, that's crazy. He kept that in. I didn't know that. He kept a lot in. He kept one. He trashed Bobcat Goldwaite more beans, dude. Yeah, right? No, that's crazy. He kept that in. I didn't know that.

He kept a lot in. He kept when he trashed Bobcat Goldwaite. Oh, yeah. He did that on purpose. Yeah. I mean, he wanted him to know. That was uncomfortable. Bob is like the nicest dude, too.

Yeah, yeah. It was a weird, I guess they just have a history. Well, he goes at them pretty hard. Have you listened to the rant? It's pretty wild. Isn't it kind of like an alt comic versusic versus club-comic kind of thing? Like he thinks he's all weird and I'm just doing real comedy. I think so, yeah.

Real comedy as he puts it. Right, right. He's like, you've got to light the Tonight Show couch on fire. I'm doing jokes over here. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you've got to do a voice. So, you know, about to get into it. I like that clip that goes around about it with Norm doing the Cosby joke,

which is like, I love that he kept that in, too. That's such a great joke. Great joke. Great joke. Oh, man. What is it? Patton Oswalt said the hypocrisies would bother me the most. He's this clean comic, you know, and Norm goes, I think the rape.

Now, do you think Cosby's legacy will be hurt? Yeah. You do? Me and Patton Oswalt, he told me, I think the worst part of the Cosby thing was the hypocrisy. And I disagreed. I thought it was the raping. That's just so, I mean, it's just so Norm.

He was so good at cutting right to the real shit i just re-watched his last special and uh the one the one no no reading hitler's dog hitler's dog okay all right last live one but uh the bit he does about sarcasm about how you can just reply you can give the truth but sarcastically like yes yes, yes, honey, I want to fuck your sister. You got me. And I want to murder you. Yes. And he just keeps going for like three minutes. The fact that he extends it for three minutes.

Yeah, that's what he did. It's so great. And like I was – I recently – I tried to submit a tape for The Tonight Show recently and they said I was too grumpy and negative. And I was like, well, you know, I was thinking, one of my favorite late night appearances I've seen recently, it's got to be Burr or Norm. And I'm like, oh, those were all on Conan. And that's another big loss to the comedy community is how Conan would have stuff like that on,

even though that's not his style, but he still had it on. Yes, because it was funny. Yeah, yes. But the Tonight Show, but every comic is grumpy. That's what I'm saying. That's what comedy is. I'm like, if you want me to be clean, then I every comic is grumpy that's what i'm saying that's what comedy is i'm like if you want me to be clean then i gotta be grumpy and negative this is right you're either dirty or i'm grumpy and negative that's it you know great point yeah yeah conan also is

i mean of our generation maybe the greatest straight man ever i mean oh yeah the way he would react to burr the way he would react yeah it was like yeah he set him up. He would act outraged and it made it funnier. He'd be like, well that's not okay. It was perfect. Conan just understands comedy

on such a great level. I mean, I love, this is a great one. Have you seen this?

Who's that? Jim Downey. And I feel unapologetic about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Wait, are we going to watch this whole thing?

No, no, no. There's a clip. I know the clip you're going for. The Epstein clip. Yeah, I think that's it. No, this is like a 30-minute thing. Salacus, you're slipping behind those keys, my friend. And as a father.

What's his name? Huh? What's his name? Huh? What's his name? Matt. Matt. You're doing great, Matt. Yeah, there you go. Pull back here.

Jeff Epstein, the New York financier. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Much has been said. Much has been said about Jeffrey Epstein. Terrible things. No, Jeff.

I'm talking about Jeff Epstein, the New York financier. We're talking about the same Jeff Epstein. No. Yes. No. What? I never heard. Oh, it was a big story in the news. Huge. No.

Yes, for you to say no one ever said... Jeff Epstein. Yes. Jeff Epstein. Yes, the financier. With the island. Yes, he had an island that I've never been to. Yeah.

I'm pretty sure, with respect, if there was some news about Jeff Epstein, I would have heard. No, I don't know. It keeps going. That's great. I mean, dude, that guy, Jim Downey, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I heard once, I was on the road with Sandler, and. That guy, Jim Downey, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I heard once. I was on the road with Sandler, and all those SNL guys were talking.

They were like, that was the guy you wanted to impress on SNL. Like that writer. So, I mean, I think he's a legend. Yeah, he was on the 20 Years. He's behind all the really great stuff. That's awesome. I have to watch this one. I haven't seen it.

I got to watch that, too. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Carmen? I want Conan on here. Oh. I love Conan. he's so friendly yeah he comes right to the green room most of them yeah you did letterman i did letterman twice

twice so cool you're that old he sounds so old i know he totally does that's great but right at the end pull it up yeah there's that thing about doing something right before they cancel the show and then it immediately becomes a dated credit you're like yeah you can't use it anymore yeah yeah brutal yeah i remember letterman gave you the the hand kiss right i was like and then the second one i was like is he gonna kiss it and he kissed it you need another drink there sloppy jalopy are you all right i'm good all right die his arms, because I think that would be romantic. But we're not together anymore.

So now it's just going to be awkward. That was the best audience was lettering. Oh, I know. Their audiences were the best. And this is when you're young and castable. Come on! What about now? Have you done Late Night? I did Tonight Show.

It went viral. I wanted to do Conan when I first started doing comedy. And then my second month into comedy, he was like, Nah, I'm going to retire. Brutal. That was the best one. You flew out to LA, they put you in that Hilton. That was nice.

And you could curse. The only note they ever gave me was, I had a joke where I wished cancer on someone. They're like, you can't wish cancer on his national audience. I was like, that's a fair note. It's very reasonable. You can't get away with anything on that yeah the only i had a joke about me getting raped and they were like nah nah but i'm like it's me though i can't do it

conan was the best that was the best one to do definitely what's the platform now seriously like there isn't a lot of because we don't even know it's all in flux right now also right they're moving things around or yeah well i think it's just you get like a big tiktok or a big uh instagram clip or youtube clip that's now it i mean it's same with comedy movies like no one watches those they just go watch tiktok for two hours they're gonna watch ours you got that right when does it come out well we haven't sold it yet two three years we're gonna sell it do you is it written in a way that you could shoot yourselves if you wanted to no we're shooting for a budget here. All right, okay, okay.

We cannot sell that. Do you know the name of the movie or are you afraid somebody will steal the name? Don't say it, someone will steal it. It's called Epstein's Island. By the way, you guys are huge in Spain. I just went to Spain. What? Yes, and everyone's like,

ah, Samorelli, Mark Norman, me encanta. Oh, me encanta, we might be drunk. Oh, wow. Seriously. That's awesome. Yeah. Damn, the only reason we had you on is to get the Spain fans. Where do you have them? And the seller is like, de celar, we love.

Wow. I want to go to Spain. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you've not been to Mexico. I want to go to Mexico. International. I'm trying to. What?

Nothing yet. It's tough because it's like at first you don't make the money. You're like, it's a lot of money. I mean, it's cool to travel, but you're also like there's value in waiting until you can actually sell some tickets over there, you know? Because I just did Australia for the first time. And we got offers. You went years ago.

Yeah, but for the festival. Yeah. This was different. I want to go to different European countries just to see if i could get the laughs like i'm not too worried about the money but i want to make sure i can go and like be funny over there it's different i don't i mean like i've only done like continental europe i haven't done anywhere where the english is their first language and you know because europeans move all over because the european union the you know common language is english but i think there's like fluent English.

And then I think there's comedy English. Yeah. And they just don't get every joke. So every European tour I've done is like it's just a process of slowly dumbing down my act. Yeah. So it's the most basic jokes. Right. And then I'm just kind of bored.

I mean, I'm not doing – you're doing it in the native language, I think, is probably awesome. Like it's totally a different thing. Yeah, but when I do English jokes in europe same thing they're their expats and they get it or their first generation and you're like have to speak a little slower yeah you kind of have to you know figure it out as you go you got to change your references don't say targets say their grocery or whatever especially doing like latino and spanish too like the they don't use the same words oh yeah you know and then the other i mean the best english there is is in all the scandinavian countries so they get it more but they don't feel emotions yeah so they don't laugh at things and

then that's not fun either you know yeah like scandinavians yeah the happiest i did our uh amsterdam and they're good but they it's a lot of clapping more than laughing. And I'm not going to say who, but they had two huge comics that we all respect before me. And both of them snapped on the audience. Really? And guys, you're like, that guy snapped? Michael Richards snapped? It's not like him.

But, yeah, that was a shocker. That was, yeah, I remember I used to watch all those David Tell insomniac apps, and that was like the one where he's like, I'm bombing. Oh, shit. Damn. Well, you know the thing is I think they're like, they're permissive about sex because they think it's not a big deal. So if you try and do these sex jokes, they're like, we do not care.

I can do their accent. I'm doing like a French one. But, you know, can someone else do the accent for me? It's not shocking to them. Yeah, it's's not it's not even interesting it's just sex like whatever we all do it we all fuck up who cares that's why I went straight Holocaust over there just spend like a month there do comedy for like the last two weeks like get assimilated first Get a simulator first.

I mean, that fucking bunch of hookers. Go to Edinburgh. You'll get a simulator. Yeah, get to Edinburgh. I'm going to try to go there. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to do that. Are you going to do that?

Yeah, I hope so. Full month? I don't know if I have the balls for that. Two weeks at least. Two weeks I would do. Do the month. It's fun. Two weeks?

You can do two weeks. You did a month? I did a month. Yeah, it was great. You liked it? Yeah, I know. It was fun. And it's packed.

People go to shows all the time. They're wasted. You learn a lot about your... It's like comedy camp. Really? See, that's what I know. It was fun. And it's packed. People go to shows all the time. They're wasted. You learn a lot about your... It's like comedy camp. Really? See, that's what I want. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. Maybe I'll do the month. You're in a place now where you could probably also just do a tour for that many days in a row. Yeah. But that's what I'm saying. What if I have people come out for the tour, but then I'm not funny to them? I don't want people to waste money just for a mediocre show. Yeah, you'll be funny.

What do you mean you're funny? You have a fan base. They're going to come to see you. I don't know if I have one in Scotland. You have a huge fan base in Scotland. Yeah, I'm sure. Come back from Scotland. Scotland's Mexicans have a lot in common.

The rice. Mexicans have a lot in common. The rice. Not to disrespect my own people, but I'm going to be really pissed off if I go to Scotland and it's an all-Mexican crowd. God damn it. I can't get away from you people. And you guys dig tunnels. You got to build a wall.

Is there... Oh, sorry. Sorry sorry sorry well let me just ask this is there because you're a uh i don't want to say a niche but you're a mexican comic i mean you're a comic but you are mexican so like do you is there perks to that where you're like hey i got a little novelty here i'm a little different or is it like i'd rather just be just let me be me who what do you mean like who am I different from well I mean you have you have Mexican fans they go he's Mexican he's funny yeah I like this guy yeah I got Mexican fans I don't know if I have Mexican fans oh you got a few oh really yeah you do really I'm just gonna say that but all right well I I think oh Chopper was a big fan of yours out of. Out of comics that I've taken pictures with or whatever, like, come out on shows with.

Like, when I got to open for you, like, I think you're the comic that Mexicans bring up the most often. Like, gosh, I work with that guy. Oh, wow. That's nice. Well, like, I know a guy who's Indian. He's a friend of mine. He's a comic. And he's always like, ah, it sucks being an Indian comic because I'm like the Indian guy.

I want to just be a comic. But then also, there's people who are like, hey, this is great. I get the Indian fans. But it's the writing. I mean, your jokes are just solid jokes. I think there's a real universal nature to the way you write jokes. Same with Shane Wayne. Shane, sure, he gets the advantage of having all these asian fans especially because he came up under alley but it's he also is big in the midwest because

he's clean and doing observational stuff so you know when i go to the midwest my crowds are a little more split a little more diverse yeah yeah probably just a more it's just more white people in that area probably yeah too i'm just glad that that the seats are at least filling up with somebody yes of course yeah but like what i saying earlier, when I get the older Mexican crowds, I think they're the ones that are expecting me to maybe do like a more George Lopez-y, like Paul, what is his name, Paul Rodriguez

type, like, you know us Mexicans. Yes. And then you can see it during the show where they're just like, what's this guy talking about? Dogs? They want you to start every joke with, I'm Mexican. Yeah. But when they're closer to start every joke with i'm mexican yeah so but when they're closer to my age and then it's a little better you know yeah i feel like i'm still doing comedy that most like latinos can relate to without having to say like yo first of all i'm

latino yeah yeah right it's and that's also like i i love uh felipe esparza but in the in the beginning it was more universal jokes and i think as he got a latino fast base he's doing more he knows his family's latino and he directs the comedy towards that more so i kind of missed the old felipe although he's still i still think he's hilarious he's a great joke right yeah he's one of my favorite felipe jokes is where he says that uh he has two kids and he had his first kid when he was a teenager when he was in high school he's like i still remember when my girlfriend told me she was pregnant he was like it was wednesday pizza day he's like she came to my table she's like felipe i'm pregnant he's like

i got my tray i moved to another table that's one of those jokes that i feel like can relate to latinos without having to say like yeah you know what i mean yeah we did that show in montreal where we had to riff for like 20 minutes which is just all you had you couldn't do material and just looking forward to that coming out oh i know and uh felipe went on last and just killed it like he was so effortlessly just like what's up with you and just funny funny funny murdering he's a pro we try to get him on the pub I think he was hungover yeah Felipe's on my comedy Mount Rushmore also because every time I see him he gives me free mushrooms perfect but he's one of those people it's like his care his whole persona is

funny and then he's also a good writer it's like Cat Williams to me like you know like every their whole essence is funny and then the things they're saying are all they could just be like clowns and would be funny but they're also telling well-written jokes and it's pretty amazing that is the perfect combo yeah bernie mack was like that yeah sure yeah totally rodney rodney funny looking yeah sounding funny top rodney man yeah yeah just all gold even just when he walks out i tried to do that on my first because i noticed when he does late night he walks out and he kind of like, pretends like he's lost. He's like, hey.

Yeah. And I tried to do that on my first one, but I think I just looked lost. Like, it didn't look funny. It just looked like I didn't know what I was doing. Yeah. It's funny. Michael Richards, I'm a huge Seinfeld the show fan, not to bring it back to the N word. But Michael Richards, he said when he was on the show so he didn't really

know he knew i was the wacky neighbor but i didn't really know where to go and then he said on like the third episode he figured out i'll be the dumb guy but i'll pretend to be the smart guy so i'll act smart even though i'm actually doing dumb shit and that's when he figured out kramer like i'll be confident but still be an idiot a confident dumb guy is funny. It's funny. It's really yeah, it is really funny Yeah, it's weird watching those old episodes of a show where they the character is so Well done and pronounced later on and then you watch the early ones like oh, they haven't figured it out yet This is weird. It's like a comic you gotta find that voice. Yeah, you watch the no yes Homer's voice really what the fuck? Animations real bad. It's kind of slow. There's not many jokes. It's like that first season is rough.

There's still some good episodes in that first season, but it's like, yeah, it's not what it became for sure. Well, it's better when it gets weirder and there's like tons of jokes. And the first one I think was trying to be just an animated sitcom instead of like being like, let's take advantage of this animation and go like buck wild. Once it goes to like season three and forward, I feel like that's when they start really hitting. Oh, yeah.

Season four, Simpsons, fucking. Yeah. But.ons fucking yeah but batting practice just every fucking line yeah can't they can't touch the amount of jokes a family guy does in one episode yes we're talking cartoons like that too though is it i mean this is like boom boom boom callbacks cutbacks all this shit simpsons is every every line too though it's like the same i think it's the same that's why i like futurama a lot futurama doesn't underrate whether it's a smart joke or just the most obvious joke like the joke is just there joke joke joke joke joke yeah yeah that's a funny shit 30 rock's good like that yeah heavy like so many jokes yeah they don't make a lot of those shows yeah they don't they really don't and that show at the time was too smart like audiences like we don't really get it. But certain people got it.

Same with Arrested Development. I can't stop Arrested Development. Arrested Development you have to re-watch. Yes. There's so many jokes you'll miss. I know. Yeah, 30 Rock holds up beautifully, though. Yeah, it's really funny.

So, quick question. Do you guys have any peeves that you wanted to share? Did y'all come with any peeves ready? Sure. Pet peeves. Well, two Jews on Christmas. Let's hear it.

When you dress up for the party, but the other, the guests who arrive late don't dress up. We didn't get that email. I didn't get it either, to be honest.

This is your outfit. I was texting a half an hour before the show so i clearly someone dropped out and i'm no we knew we had to get you on but um yeah you got a special out too by the way check out uh the it's blowing up too oh yeah it's doing pretty well i'm pretty happy with it yeah yeah what's it called it's called present tense but i put on the thumbnail the best comedian you've never heard of as clickbait. And now people think that's the title, but I don't care. And it gets haters like, you're not the best.

Like, good, you're commenting, helping with the algorithm. Thank you. You know what I've seen back in the day? That's great. He did a clip of himself. It was the worst comedian you've ever seen. And it was just a good set. So the comments were like, no, he's actually good.

The best comments would be like, I mean, he's not the worst, but no he's actually good the best comments would be like i mean he's not the worst but he's certainly not good yeah you're gonna hit a million uh within a couple of weeks i hope so that's great thanks guys thanks yeah well done a toast to a a youtube uh a youtube fucking pop. I'm out of booze. It's a special year. Everybody's got specials. I'm good. Next year. This is me and Louis watching our beef.

We are friends again. You had a great opening with Nate and W. Kamau Bell and Ali Wong. I was told not to do that. Why? Because people want to go right to stand-up. Like, they just want to see stand-up right away. I would be nervous to do that, personally.

Really? Well, yeah. In my specials, I usually go right to the fucking jokes. I'm nervous. But it's cool that they're all in this. Yeah. Marin Stanhope. Big hitters here.

Oh, that's great. Louie Katz was already a local legend. When I first met him, he was a young kid. I can't even tell you how much protection he's got. It was a joke. I didn't have the sense to put the work in. I think Louis is extremely funny. I've known Louis for a long time.

I love Louis. Oh, my God. He was so, so funny. He's a very good joke writer. He's very funny. So well-written. Marin's got to be in front of the Guggenheim, right? My love is that.

Super dirty, but also super smart. Is it too late to add that to mine? It's just us. Carmen, I just met her. She's all right. I thought, because I did one of these, I thought we were supposed to trash you. So mine's like this fucking Jew face.

You guys both did it, but you did it like a promo, and I needed it more like a cold open. And so I used you guys to promote it, but then it didn't work for the cold open. They do that. They just sabotage it. They know I shot extra. Yeah, and then they go on to roast me. I think I said like whenever people were like, oh, my God, Louie's here, and I look excited, and then it's Louie Katz.

Yeah, it was great. You came up with that on the spot. It was great. It was really good. But yeah, they start roasting me in a second. It's not just praising me. It's not just them, you know, jerking me off. It's getting too sincere. You said Eminem and it's actually, that's what I modeled it on. Like when, I don't know if you guys remember, do you guys remember when Eminem came out and they almost ran

like a little infomercial on MTV where it was all these like black rappers to kind of justify that he's white. Like, you gotta see this guy no he's the best and they ran it like right before uh my name is came out and all that and i always thought that was so cool so that's kind of what i was oh that's great you know dr dray didn't know he was white till he met him no way fun fact yeah that's crazy that's crazy there's stories like that with paul wall i saw a youtube video where somebody so the black dude was like, man, I hate white people. And then he saw Paul Wall on stage and was like, oh, shit.

Like, my favorite rapper is white. Bringing him back in. Is he still around? Paul Wall? Yeah, in Texas. He has like a comb over now. It's weird. Oh, build that Paul Wall.

Well, congrats, man. That's fucking awesome. Thanks. Yeah, it's a big year for him. It's popping. Yeah. Yeah. Comedy bubble, baby. well congrats man that's fucking awesome thanks yeah big year for it it's popping yeah comedy bubble baby

comedy's really popular these days oh yeah I feel like I got in right at the right time you should've I mean those bust years it was crazy

I feel like I'm such an old man but like it was so different when I started like people did not care it was niche it was underground

basement no one gave a shit there weren't critics know there wasn't a dedicated person at the new york times reviewing it but where does it go from here like when does it burst i don't know it feels like we're cruising yeah i think we're doing all right just because a podcast tv's dying you know late night seems to be floundering talk but it's helped yeah it helps i don't look at it either i think things swing back, though. I do think, like, how long can podcasts go? I mean, like, I'm having fun, but, like, I do think, you know.

Everything has a course. Yeah, people are going to want scripted. Then maybe it comes back to podcasts. I think it's going to be, like, a cycle. I think the podcasting, that might be true. But I think, and this is maybe a hopeful theory that with stand-up, it really is truly better live. You just watch it, and it's whatever. You go there, you feel that tension in the room.

And there's so few, even music is like, you can like it or not like it, but it's not that same feeling of the tension that's there when you see stand-up, and it's happening right then and there. And I think that's what's driving the ticket sales, is that people are looking for these experiences that can only happen live. And you can say something kind of fucked up yes yes yes it's

kind of wrong and yeah oh i can't say that at my office i'm like i say with my friends but you could say it in a room full of people who want you to say something kind of crazy yeah funny and totally uh and it hasn't been a joke but you know yeah and it hasn't been this wrong in a while like i feel like hr and stuff has gone up. So I need to hear a release. I need the other side for a minute. I got to even out. Yeah, totally. So yeah, but I agree.

I'm waiting for the... I just wonder, are crowd work reels going to die down? Is something else going to replace it? Yes, I feel like podcasts will die down first. I feel like not anytime soon, but in years to come, podcasts will become like how we look

at AM radio. Yeah. But that's what I thought 10 years ago and they're stronger than ever. Really? Yeah. I keep making that excuse

not to start a podcast like oh I missed it like you know I had to be there right at the beginning and then a new podcast will blow up and I'll be like

well I guess I should have done it. Because remember reality shows were like that'll pass and it's like they're still here yeah totally i've also been wrong about every prediction like in middle school i took a computer class and i failed and i was like i'm not gonna need this that was an honest thought

i'm not even trying to be i was like these hands this is what people need i'm gonna be a plumber although we still need them we got all the ai up the ass you still need a plumber. Although we still need them. We got all the AI up the ass. You still need a plumber. You still need a roofer. Yeah, that's true. All that stuff. You guys see that, what is that?

I think it was a South Park episode I was watching the other night. Where like everybody who went to college is standing outside of Home Depot hoping that a handyman will be available. The handymen are making all the money now. That's great. Man, brilliant. Still hitting. That's a new Man, it's still hitting. That's a new episode?

Yeah, they're like, what the fuck did I go to college for? I could have been learning how to do stuff and fix stuff. Yeah. They like to. How did it always hit it? How did it always hit it? It's pretty crazy, man.

It was pretty brilliant. It was the Pandaverse. The Pandaverse, yeah, yeah. Brilliant, because they do a whole thing about woke movies with Disney. You have to have a bunch of women, and they're all black and trans, whatever. They're like, put a diverse's woman and make her gay.

Yeah. But it's all about being lazy, like how that's just lazy. And then he starts bitching about woke shit, and then you realize, oh, this is lazy. And so they hit it from both sides. That's great. It's pretty brilliant. Damn. I want to meet them so bad.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. They just seem like the coolest dudes. One of their main writers lives here in New York and he works at the writer's room where I write. He's there. Get him on, Peters.

He's, I forget his name right now. He's the one that did Wonder Shows. Oh, yeah. Yeah. One of those guys is now one of the main

South Park writers and he's, yeah, he's like a, I mean, I kind of like, I fanboy out when I see him. He's like not even famous

but I know he is. Yeah. That Wonder Shows show was so great. Do you guys remember that? Have you seen that? I do. It was wacky and weird, but it was funny. I've heard it was great.

Yeah, it's like a hardcore fake children's show that was on MTV2 for a while. I thought that thing said, Yeah, Vernon Chapman. Yeah, Vernon Chapman. That's him. There you go. What about that, Sam? What?

I figured it out. I pulled the guy out of the air. Sally's getting better. Hot in here. Elf suit. Dumb joke. This is tough. Sweatshop.

Are those rented? I mean, these are like velour. I know, right? I feel like Stavros in this thing. He really commits to that. He wore them on Roggan for the full three hour got a uniform now yeah i guess so damn i mean any other peeves anyone else oh i have um i i i'm a germaphobe and i feel like everyone doesn't have to be a germaphobe but like you

need to respect how filthy this town is and people don't like the other day i saw a dude dropped his ear pod on the floor of the train and i figure well you're gonna douse it in sanitizer or burn it or something you just put it right in his ear and that is my pet i mean just like i almost wanted to stop are that clean though louis i mean come on yes i wash them every day dude the floor of the subway it's he should just let a rat shit in his ear. That's what that is. I've never seen anybody grab a turnstile in New York. That makes me feel really good about grabbing turnstiles in New York. I'm the only guy in the whole city touching them.

I'm the type of dude who would put it in your AirPod. I would have done that. Maybe one of these. Yeah. But I would have put it back in. Well, I guess it's just, never mind. It's me having problems. You should have seen what I did to that microphone before you got here.

Oh, yeah. Or you should fear wipe his ass. Probably not much. All right, let me hold it up there. There you go. I didn't know you were... That's a germaphobe. I guess so.

I guess I thought it was like a normal... Everyone would be like, yeah, it's gross, and it's just me. Do you get sick a lot? No. Okay, I never get sick, and I'm a germy guy. What do you like? You lick the pole in the summer? I rarely wash my hands

i mean if it's if i on them i'll wash them but what if you take a but you don't directly on them do you wash your hands after you you don't wash your hands after you wipe well if i get on them no you gotta wash your hands how many times have you had covet four i'm more worried about pink guy at this point you never had it you you don't wash i'm glad we hug more often than we should well i do i do a fake wash when there's other people in the bathroom. You don't even turn on the water, you just go... He's like, this was water, goodbye. At home, I don't wipe, I use the bidet. I get the bidet.

You don't wipe after that? Yeah. Do you? Yeah, you never know what's going on down there. Is your ass all wet? There's a dryer. Oh, you have a dryer. Mine doesn't have a dryer.

It's a low-level bidet. Yeah, but you're just wetting the poo. No, you're blasting it off your ass. It gets blasted off. Wait, you can't say that. You don't even wash your hands.

That's not a civil rights oath. But my asshole is. He gets rid of the brown. You've lost all that. I sound like Seinfeld when I said that. He gets rid of the brown. He gets rid of the broom. Get rid of the broom.

I wash my hands after I pee just depending on the smell of my hands. Yeah, I do that. You give it a sniff. You give it a sniff like, ah, penis has been all right today. Yeah. Pretty clean. This is crazy. This is wild to me.

You should wash your hands in the city. Thank you. The only reason I don't wash my hands after I pee is because that's how thoroughly I wash my penis before I leave the house. There you go. And then there's pee coming out of it. I'm not touching the pee. Who touches the pee? You touch your pee?

I'm not going, whoa. How do you aim? Let me make sure it's there. I sniff it like a sommelier. I touch my penis all the time. Why? Is it just my friend's apartment? touch my penis all the time. Why? Is it just my friend's apartment? Because maybe it's like an old building?

Or is it harder to find fart fans in New York restrooms? Yeah, it's harder. What? Wait, fart fans? You know, the upper thing. It's a fan that's sucking out the air while you're taking a dump. Oh. Oh, my God.

Is that what it's called? Yeah, fart fan. I mean, that's what I call it. I don't know. But you knew that. You both knew. We're Southern. Yeah. Is that a Southern? I? Yeah, fart fan. I mean, that's what I call it. I don't know. But you knew that. You both knew. We're Southern. Yeah, is that a Southern?

I guess so. It's like in the air. It sounds like my ex-wife, I'll tell you. Every restroom in Texas has two switches, the light switch and then the fan switch. Dead on. That way you don't stink it up after you're done. Do you guys shit more down there? I guess so.

Maybe. We shit properly, more properly. Everything's bigger in Texas in New York you just stuck with the smell smell mark Norman goes around this farting on everybody nobody has to live with it far fans in this city they're right we need would get one in here put one right above me it also helps get the steam out when you're taking a hot shower yes that I mean that's the law actually in buildings here they have to have that

in your apartment but they don't have to have it in public restrooms i think oh my apartment doesn't have that really neither does any apartment i've ever stayed in new york it's a mold thing they'll be mold if there's not if they don't do that maybe it's only new apartments windows and there you go windows that's that window or a fan there you go yeah all right i molded my ceiling so maybe you got something there Do you really? Yeah, a little bit I cleaned it, but it pops up Gross, yeah I know I gotta wash my hands

Any other peeps? Yeah, I got a peep that lines up with all of these Touching poop water Wait, huh? What? Yeah, like Why do you do it? You don't have home field advantage

Like if you're at a hotel or something You don't know the depth of the toilet And if sometimes you wipe Your finger hits the water. Like, you know, at home. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why are you that low? Do you wipe from front to back?

I mean, from back to front? Like, going under the crotch? What are you, a lady? Reverse. Then why do you touch the water? I'm saying because... Do you not lift up your butt cheek? Do you go all the way behind?

Are you inside the bowl? Holy crap. I'm in the bowl? You don't lean up? bowl is shallow you lean up right it's horrifying yeah this is crazy after that i'd be rinsing and swashing like this though tomorrow i'll give you a hotel peeve is when there's not enough toilet water in there and now you're like this feels weird now i look like a monster when I get to this. Yeah. The lack of water. The bowl is ruined. Too much water, too little water.

Both bad. You got to stand up when you wipe. Oh, I don't do that. Just go like this. You lean forward. Yeah. Stand up like an American. Maybe you have a deep ass.

Maybe your ass is very deep. Yeah. You at least got to start like lifting a bit. Yeah. Yeah. Levitate yourself a bit. That's not just go in the toilet why are you saying why are you accepting that i understand the depth of the toilet on the road

i don't this is crazy i don't know what about trying to sell for the day wet wipes but they up your toilet so you don't want to do it in your own place because it'll they could you just plug it up you can throw it away in the trash You can throw the wet wipe in the trash. I mean, it's not like it's full of poo. Mine is. You're first wiping, and then you're using it. You know what I hate with the toilet?

And this happens a lot. This is weird. The seat isn't the same size as the bowl. Have you noticed this? So you end up slipping on a little bit of rim. Do you know what I'm talking about? It happens a lot. It's weird.

Maybe your ass is just not regulation size. It isn't. Dude. No, I just found this out. I just found this out. I have a bidet in my place, and I'm like, I must have mounted it wrong, because I always have to lean to the side to get it. Then I go to Japan. Every toilet has a bidet.

It's every toilet. My ass is off kilter. I have an off kilter asshole. It's a design. Yeah, I didn't know that. Yeah, well, you know what else is a problem? You could never be a stripper. What else is a problem is I stayed in the AC Marriott.

You know the AC? Yeah. The toilet bowl is square. And the seat is square. So your ass is like, you know, I got no ass. It's like a Wendy's burger. It's no good. And it was frozen.

And I dropped off some chili but it's it's square and it's your butt doesn't fit on it right it's no good no that's not right how do they do that i don't know what are you doing man it's supposed to be like an upscale hotel a little bit that's weird the choices they make yeah they're supposed to be nice how do you feel about a foam seat like a cushion seat that's weird weird. I don't like it. Oh, interesting. I'm fine with it if it's like I'm the only one using it. Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Yes. It feels like someone else was on it. Right. It feels like an old person was on it. When you sit on the subway and the seat's warm, do you move? I think it's so gross. It depends how layered up I am, I guess. I'll tell you one of my pet peeves. And it ends up tasting good.

So maybe I shouldn't talk too much shit about it. But I hate, like, those, like, Korean barbecue, like, Japanese barbecue where you got to cook yourself the food. Yes. And then you can't even take it to go. I make myself the food and I'm not even allowed to take it. I made the fucking thing. Wait, you can't take that? You can't take it to go in most places.

What? And sometimes they have, like, it's all you can eat. But that means, like, all you can eat. If you didn didn't need it they're throwing it away in their own place yeah yeah you can't get to go all you can eat you can't get to go what am i because it's all you can eat in the restaurant that's fair yeah i don't know you're gonna put these places out of business i do have i have a bit about having to uh cook it myself and how much i hate cooking like i'm at the restaurant to not cook that makes no sense yeah it Yeah, it's crazy. I don't want to cook. My friend loves that.

I don't want to do it. We were in traffic for an hour. Stavi loves that shit. Stavi was just on here singing the praises of... Does he like to cook? He likes to grill it up. I think he just likes

the whole experience. He just loves Korean barbecue. I love Korean barbecue. I just want them to do it for me. I don't want to do it. And they still ask for a tip? Why? Yeah.

I made the shit. I made it. It's like self-checkout. Yeah. Yeah. Give me a cashier. Yeahier yeah totally this country's no good anymore koreans come in we're cooking their food for them they're like you said like yourself but yeah the uh that all you can eat thing that's that's a common thing like i went there was uh in brazil there was all you can eat sushi so they'd give you like fistful of rice with with a sliver of fish on it,

so you'd get full on the rice and they wouldn't have to sell the fish. So we just kept pocketing the rice, and we just left with all this rice in our pockets so we could get more and more fish. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. We had to hide it. We had to throw out the rice. My thing is, though, once the food is on my table, it's not like you're going to put it back. You better not. That's gross.

Right. So let me take it to go. It's already gone to waste. It's not all you can take to put it back you better not that's gross so let me take it to go it's not all you can take it's all you can eat you got to eat it but they can fill up your plate with so much and be like can't eat it let me take it have you ever gone high yeah

you've never gone to these places high I've only done ayahuasca come on you ever done ayahuasca come on you ever done the waska no i i'm i'm scared i i like he's a panicky jew like me yeah i don't even smoke weed anymore really i can't yeah yeah really you get panicky yeah i get anxious it's just like it's lit it's my joke used to be like i used to smoke weed to be like no worries now i smoke it's like all worries and that's that's literally how it is it's just like everything i don't know that's a part of getting older or something but i'm the same way in the last six months i've been able to smoke weed anymore yeah it's just uh

so much it's my brain it starts talking to me it's like that's horrible that's why i don't do it i start feeling i start feeling guilt yes yes totally yeah yeah that's no good yeah i don't know i used to sleep. That's my only thing. I'll take a little five milligram. I tried to do that in New Orleans once. I forgot that I took it. I took half the night before I slept great.

All the THC must have been the other fucking half. Because I wake up. Dude, I couldn't. I had a dream about what? Panic attack? Yes. Yes. i woke up into a panic attack whoa i had a dream about kevin barnett and that he was uh dead and then he was like you know how like you kind of garnett kevin barnett uh comedian yeah yeah you didn't know

kevin kevin was a really funny yeah cool dude awesome guy yeah Yeah. And he was going to be a big... That's Adam Sandler. You're back. That is not Kevin Barnett. Kevin Barnett. No, Kevin was... He was a writing partner with Joshua Benowitz, who's also a really funny guy. Somebody, yeah.

No, I know who you're talking about. Yeah, yeah. He was very funny. Somebody was talking to me about him just yesterday. He was just the best. He was so funny. Somebody was talking to me about him just yesterday. He was just the best. He was so funny. Good egg. He was such a good dude.

And the right amount of ball busty. Yes. And he could backflip. Yeah. Really? Just standing right there, he could do a backflip. Dude, he played the saxophone. I mean, he's crazy talented.

I would also be sad if Kevin Garnett died. Yes. I'm sorry. I keep interrupting. KG's great. KG's great. KG's badass. I love KG. Yeah.

And he's the right amount of ball busty. Great storyteller, too. Yeah. You see him on these pods? He's fucking amazing. Really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

He's so funny. But, yeah, I dreamed about Kevin Garnett, and he was, it was like, it was like I felt like, you know how like most spend all your life ignoring that you're gonna actually die i woke up like really knowing it and then it was like i couldn't have my glasses on it was dark and i felt like claustrophobic from the blurriness and i couldn't i just i was just flipping out man it was horrible the same thing happened to me really yeah i was with a girl who's like take one of these it'll help you sleep and she's like oh i didn't know this one had thC in it and I was like literally

on a toilet in the fetal position just like the toilet freaking the fuck out and she was like sorry I'm like this is the worst night of my life I feel like wait like oh there's other little bitches too I thought it was just me we're a little real men have panic attacks too hell yeah yeah no i hate it i don't like weed yeah i like to suppress my problems that's why alcohol is a drug for me yeah although i'm slightly interested in micro dosing shrooms but that's amazing you've done that i do mushrooms all the time really yeah you can do a regular one you don't have a micro how much is a micro dose like how much do you take i don't know i've never micro those oh i'll be at the airport like full-on hallucinating oh yeah yeah the first time that

i did that it freaked me out i'm not gonna lie but i feel like i've done shroom so many times that i could be like on like a couple grams just in front of people now it's like yeah i have no big deal yeah same makes you jovial good mood that's my next one i want to do that i just got some have you done them before though no start off with like a gram gram and a half but maybe stay home or just be like on your own with one person you're really cool with yeah and you'll experience like a nice trip there are times though remember earlier you were saying like does it help you figure things out there are times where i take so much that i can't avoid thoughts anymore and that kind of sucks but there are thoughts that

i guess i need to get out the way anyway yeah yeah it's like doing the dishes it's like i hate it but fuck it right for for me it's like the last couple times i shroomed it was more like uh it just felt good at the end when it was over i'm like oh i got through that i didn't flip out that's that's not a fun experience to me you know what i mean like right oh wow thank god it's over that's not that's not really yeah that's a bummer but i think i always like this idea you know because i got into them in college it was like let's do an eighth like let's let's eat you know this whole idea that you could just eat a cap or two caps what like like a pussy you gotta eat you know the whole thing yeah and it's uh yeah

so i i maybe maybe now i'll try it with just a little bit i got actually hans kim gave these me these uh shroom chocolates at uh um at skank fest and i have those still around so maybe i'll maybe i'll have a little different ones by now but you don't think they expire no i don't know I don't think so no I think they could I think they could last a little while I mean technically they're already bad they're fungi true yeah yeah so much I never go mushrooms to go back and go back yeah I'm saying like I don't trust it after like a month or two because I'm like what's I don't what the fuck is leaving the shelf life yeah I feel like they're very easily like obtainable so just get new ones yeah you're right you're right i have some at the apartment if you want some thank you hey you guys take drugs from

fans oh yeah yeah i won't take like maybe a drink but the drug yeah fuck you if it's packaged right so about the packaging yeah sometimes i will take yeah that they're not offering oh really yeah this guy brought mushrooms to a show in vegas and he gave me a bar and i was i had never tried a candy bar yet at that point like a mushroom candy bar he's like yeah man it's really good he's like i've been microdosing on mine throughout the day and he was like a little less than halfway done with his bar like a third of it done and i was like give me that one too he was like nah man it's my bar i was like nah give it to me i was like you don't know what this is do you not a shakedown yeah i lost a fan that day but i don't know what he thought i was what a weird imagine meeting one

of your favorite comedians and they're like i'm just gonna i'm gonna steal from you yeah i still i i'm bro i'm like i probably have a little bit of a problem i'll steal drugs from my friends like i'll steal mushrooms and i'll get mad if they take mine oh all right yeah that's my show give a penny take a penny yeah somebody brought mushrooms for for me and my my two comedian buddies luis and jesus and they gave me a bar we had a bar and then they brought an extra bar like a bigger one and they were like, hey, could you give this to Jesus when you see him? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, yoink, that's mine now.

Oh, that's fine. Jesus was like, you seen that? Have you seen that bar they left? I was like, nope. Oh, damn. My shit now. Does he know about it or is this something I was going to find out? No, I told him about it later.

I was like, look, man, they did bring it. I was like, but I'll buy it from you. He's like, nah, you can just have it. I don't want to get into arguments with you. And I'm not going to be like, no, no, no no you should take it i was just like okay you said i could have it it's mine there you go you lament see of chocolate it wasn't i did but i did skank fest this year and then i did a santa cruz festival i had so much weed after these oh yeah smoking it's like and i'm just traveling around with it yeah you know it's it's cool if you're going to the right States afterwards but you could be going to the wrong state and it's like

well what know what I was will do with all the shit now you're true yeah Moontower gave us something too and I took it and I had to change my flight oh wow it was too much yeah plan B it's only happened like twice but people try to give me coke and i'm just like do i really look like i do coke i don't know you've seen my act i i don't risk gonna do coke these i think so well that's i mean i my uh i had my bachelor party this year in costa rica where it's legal and that was awesome really yes because it's legal it's closer so it's not cut with anything man Man, like Coke is maybe the best drug. Maybe the best drug.

We're about to come down. I'm not a big Coke guy. There's no come down. Come on. We could go to sleep without a problem when it's pure. What? Dude, we do as much. Then just crash out when we had to crash out.

You don't even have to do that much because you get so high after just a little bit. It's so good. I can't do it. Nah. Because of? I don't know. I just don't like drugs that make me want to don't talk him into doing coke yeah i'm just look my point is that it's so rare to get coke was wrong like i would i wouldn't do it here because of the fentanyl thing i just won't i'm so scared of that but if like the pure cocaine is like

amazing i had no idea so The feeling is so good. Like have you ever done like. I've never done it. I've tried it. You've tried it? And it just like woke me up. It felt like a breath of fresh air. And I don't want that.

I think it's. I think that might have been a little meth-y. Yeah. Yeah. Because it makes you feel like. It's where you realize like why they call it getting high. You literally feel like. Like you're like just floating. Wow. It feel so good i mean like this is like the

opposite of a guidance counselor you gotta try it when it's pure what are you doing the cliche like we gotta start a bar man and we gotta write a movie and we're gonna go to the moon and we're best friends forever no well also the other thing is for me i'm really sensitive to um uppers so i just did like one line and i'm good i'm like good for a while i don't even there's not even that because sometimes you coke here like you do it like all night like oh i think i feel it yeah like this is like i'm good i feel great that's for me i don't have a, I'm not really like, give me a minute. But man, it was incredible. Yeah, a lot of people I know like to do coke when they're out drinking so that they can just keep drinking and then they'll do coke.

Yeah, right. So remote. And they'll be drinking until like 10 in the morning. But I don't like to be up when the sun comes out. No, me neither. And also like, your body's telling you to stop drinking. It's like, it's trying to shut you down. I like to be like, shut up, body. I'm done, you know? Yeah. That's telling you to stop drinking. It's like it's trying to shut you down. You're like, shut up, body.

Yeah. Good point. Yeah. That's performance enhancing drugs for a bad performance. It's like you're trying to get fucked up all night. That's bad for you. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Totally. Damn. Well, we should do some Costa Rican blow. Yeah. I mean, if you're down there.

Only in Costa Rica. Only in Costa Rica. That's what I would say. Really. But did you know a guy? Or like how do you call legal i know but like we can't go to a waltz dispensary how do we know it was clean because why would there's no reason to cut it with that first of all everything's cleaner when it's closer to the place so it's the distance from a location where it's who brought you the coke and costa rica there's some guy like yeah my mom made this

coke in costa rica there's some guy like yeah my mom made this like nice try fed yeah maybe don't say who gave it to you but is it like a i don't know no it's like there's a there's like it was my bachelor party so there's like a guy who like can arrange everything for the best the sad part was he was like a pimp kind of too and no one got a hooker and he was so we made the pimp sad he's like i've never seen this it was like he was depressed he was like no one like really like no one like not only because he missed money but he like didn't even understand he couldn't fathom i'm with him you couldn't get a hooker i mean he act up it was it was i think it was too hooker self-esteem i know it was too big of a group I had

people there's too much like stigma I think you want to get a hooky one no one to know and it was like everyone would have known that you got the hooker yeah and then if everyone was doing it but it's too big of a group for like everyone to do it so it kind of messed things up great if it was just one guy in a group of like 17 I don't think there's anything wrong with getting a hooker. I don't either. Now you know I have money and I just got laid. Yes.

Pro sex work. Yeah, totally. So this cocaine, this is Mulaney's bachelor party, I assume. All right, where are you guys going to be at? What do we got on the website? Yeah, plug some dates. And by the way, three killer specials here on Mark Norman's YouTube, on your own YouTube, Louis Katz, and Ralph Barbosa on Netflix, Cowabunga.

I was going to say, my tour dates are on my website, BarbosaComedy.com. Yeah, plug some dates. We're doing a theater tour. We're going to New York, Town Hall Theater, I think. That's a beauty. Nice. That's a great one. San Diego, Chicago, a bunch of cities. Nashville, Wil beauty. Nice. Yeah. San Diego, Chicago.

A bunch of cities. Nashville. Wilbur. Nice. Boston. Yeah, I was in Boston. I can't read that far. I was at the Vic Theater in Chicago on February 2nd.

Good room. Yeah. February 3rd, also the Vic Theater. Buckhead after that. Atlanta. Los Angeles. Netflix. There's a joke festival in May. I'll see you there, Freddie.

Yeah. February 17th in Tampa, Florida. Tampa. That's a fun comedy town. Yeah. I was just there. I'll see you there, Freddie. 17th in Tampa, Florida. Tampa. That's a fun comedy town. I was just there. I love Tampa. Great crowd. What do you got?

I got a... Tampa was great. January. I'm in a... Well, when does this come out? January? Christmas. Christmas!

I was in Austin last week, and I sold out. So you missed that. But in January, I'll be at the uh punchline in sacramento i am i'm doing a night at the irvine improv and then i'm at um in colorado springs at looney's in february so come check me there also charlotte north carolina on 26th of january that's what the tell he could sell his own tickets and how you guys doing on new material because you guys just put out specials. This is a tough time. I've been doing it for a while.

Ever since I taped it, I was like... Banking? Banking, yeah. Mine is, because it took me so long to edit it, I'm fine. I taped it May 2022, and it just came out. Wow. So I waited a year and a half to put it out. Wow.

So yeah, since that i've it's not ready to tape but i it's it's all different jokes that's great yeah great yeah all right what about carmen there my dates aren't all i have i seriously need an agent i've been booking myself my agent is gone so he got furloughed and keep so i have a few dates up there i'm at the kennedy center i'm at syracuse this weekend. I'm in San Diego. Hell yeah. But yeah, more is coming. Go to her website and watch her special on

YouTube. And also, you said there's three specials, but it's technically four, right? Because you have two specials coming out, right? One on Friday. That's awesome. Yeah, thank you. Oh yeah, alright. I'm at marknormancomedy.com. Check out my shit. I'm also inNormanComedy.com. Check out my shit.

I'm also in Tampa and Jacksonville and Columbus and Indianapolis. New York at the Beacon. Second show added. Lexington. Charlotte. San Antone. Houston. Go to MarkNormanComedy.com.

Get some Bodega Cat. And Sambo, what do you got? Blue Room, Springfield, Missouri. I'm back in clubs for a minute just to tighten the special, which I'll be taping in March at the Wilbur. Nice. Awesome. Very pumped for that one.

But, yeah, we got Blue Room in Springfield. Madison, Comedy on State. Only really good clubs coming up. Philly Punchline. I can't see. You got Oklahoma City. Yeah. You got Irvine.

Stanford, Connecticut. Wise Guys. Omaha. Salt Lake City Wise Guys. Hell, yeah. And then the big taping, March 7th. And Irvine as well. I think we missed Irvine Stanford, Connecticut Omaha Salt Lake City wise guys. Oh, yeah, and then the big taping 7th and Irvine as well. I think we miss her awesome. Yeah. All right, Jmo You know that'll be all I think they're all sold out already. So it's gonna be great. Oh, that's huge Just great me a hot show you want to plug anything? You got a new kid?

All right, there you go. Buy yourself a bottle of Dagen Cat whiskey. Yeah. On sale online. We're selling for a distributor, if you know anybody. Buy this whiskey, buy a Corvette. Yeah, combine the two. Now you're talking. I'd just like to dedicate the show to Kenny DeForest, too.

Passed it. Yeah, honestly, really tough. Great guy. Hilarious guy. We've known him a long time, and we heard the news very recently that things were not looking well. From what I gather, it was a hit and run. Jeez. Brain damage.

Terrible. Yeah, so. Very funny guy. Look up his stuff. Really funny. And a good person person and a very sweet person you know i believe uh my friend james webb directed one of his specials oh nice uh our friend who directed both of our specials have that right and uh chicago pro yeah kenny uh real chicago guy a hoops fan a great guy uh Ran comedy at the Knitting Factory. Yes, that's right.

Post Hannibal Buress with Clark. Will Miles. And Will, and we just found that out right before the taping today. And there was a GoFundMe, I guess, for his family. This is pre-taped, so this is late. Because we will not be in town for for Christmas but yeah it'll be missed it'll be missed and you know the Kenny we're you know very very tough and happy holidays weird note to end on sorry

we're gonna do some Costa Rican code cowabunga thank you if we find about if we could maybe put the GoFundMe in the link Oh there you go Alright well thank you guys Thanks for listening Merry Christmas Thank you for Happy Hanukkah

Happy Hanukkah as well It's Christmas today though And you know Thanks for spending another year with us We love you guys And this was a great app So thank you all for coming in Coquito

Coquito. Coquito. Sunday's the day for my next bender I've been a fever wreck you know the beer juice close I've had a little too much bourbon and Norman's talking shit about the fucking pump

and I get down in the same way I'm on the roof like the cops are coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous We might be true.