We Might Be Drunk - Ep 163: Lagavulin 11 Year

Episode Date: January 22, 2024

Just the guys on episode 163 with our old pal Nick Offerman Lagavulin 11 year. Another great episode with lots of great laughs, good bits and lots of movie recs. Mark Normand: https://marknormandcomedy.com Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com  Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod Support the show & get free breakfast for life at https://www.hellofresh.com/DRUNKFREE with code DRUNKFREE   Bodega Cat: http://www.bodegacatspirits.com  We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ If you want to start a podcast contact [e-mail] for a discount on services when referred by WMBD!

Yo! Ah! Here we are! Good to be back. It's a Scotch Day. We're doing a... By the way, this is a Nick Offerman Lagavulin. A toast to Nick Offerman for winning the award.

Golden Globe. Yeah. There you go. We got some golden drinks here. Ooh, that smells good. That is fucking... That golden drinks here. That smells good. That is fucking... That is smoky. That is smokier than Sarah Huckabee Sanders' eye.

Hey, hey. Nice. Or Snoop Dogg's ashtray. That is good stuff. Well, yeah, man. How you been? Good. Remember when he said he quit smoking for about eight

seconds and then it was all a snoop dog and it was all a ruse to sell his smokers or his barbecue bullshit what do you mean he's like i quit smoking weed and like you know the fucking internet just to get attention yeah and then he's like just kidding but buy my smoker whatever that was it smokeless grill there you go quit smoking i got advertising but boy did it work and i'm sure he sold uh that's the new game now it's just how the fuck do i make a splash because everything's all over the internet you know so how do i stand out for a second i'm gay see me in denver this weekend there you go that would work would work. I'm on the client list. See me in Denver. Aren't you glad you're not on that list?

That's nice. I still wake up like- We're too young to be on that list. If we were on that list, we would be on it for the other reason. We'd be working there. Worst summer job I ever had. You're just on- You're giving Stephen Hawking a massage?

Not to turn him on, just to awaken some parts. Right, right. So what is up with that plane? So many people are on that fucking plane. And I assume that not all of them are fucking minors. No, well, you would have gone on that plane if he asked you. Yeah. It's a rich guy with a jet.

You would have fucked a minor if he asked you, too. See my show in Dallas. Yeah, I think it's a ride. I think sometimes, like, I think it's a ride. I think sometimes, like, I think about being on the road. They're like, oh, my friend's got a, I know a guy who's a billionaire. I just met him through, he's like, he liked my comedy. So we became like pals through that.

And I remember one time I was on the runway in LAX. He's like, are you going to LA? He texts me, are you going to LA today? I would have taken you on my jet. And I was like, I don't know. I don't think he's done anything bad. Sure. But I was like, shit, I would have done it. Hell yeah. And I was like, I don't know. I don't think he's done anything bad. Sure. But I was like, shit, I would have done it. Hell yeah.

I'd do anything he asked me to do. I'd suck his dick. Yeah, I mean, how was the house? How was his... Awesome. Great house. But I mean, like, you know, of course it's a great house. That's true.

It'd be great if he just lived in like a studio. How did he make his fortune? I don't want to talk about it. It's too specific. Yeah. Everything's tech now. I assume it's tech shit, but I don't know how that works anyway. But Mark's met him.

I did? Yeah, we went out with him one night. Oh, yeah. Very unassuming. You would never think. He's like 11 years old, this guy. We had a fun night. That was a fun night that was a fun

night of mark and sam at a new york city nightclub nightclub that ain't our scene we didn't you know but that's a different world i remember you were single at the time and we we saw this girl walk by we were both like god damn and you went up and you went hey and she went you have to be more specific damn yeah there were some hot chicks i mean the fucking warriors were there grandma green and clay thompson walked in wow yeah i was like all right yeah this is the place to be i guess i know just you've probably walked by that door 8 000 times it's like in the east village you go in it's a fucking crazy yeah wild nightclub This is good scotch. So good. Offerman does it again.

Could you get caught up in that lifestyle? Could I? Yeah. No. No, no, no. It's just not us. It's fun to like. It's intoxicating.

It's too loud. Intoxicating? Yeah. It's for people with no personality. The music's so loud you can't have a conversation. It's for people on drugs. It is. You do drugs.

You make eye contact. You make out. You get out of here. And this is a no? These are all no's for you no's for you well it's high why does someone kiss him again it's high school like sequel it's just like who's hot who's not who's cool who's wearing what who's in the nose in the mix it it sucks but mark and i also like i feel like we thrive based off our personalities and not based off how we look. When I got laid, it was me making a woman laugh at a bar.

So it wasn't me just walking up to her like, you. That's some emperor shit. No, no. That's what you get at the courtroom. Him. You. Ten months later, that's the man right there. Yeah.

So no, that is not my world. And it's cool to go see and, like, observe, like a safari. You know, like, look at her, look at him. There's that celebrity. But I feel out of place the whole time. I'm like, I'm not cool enough. I'm not hot enough. I'm not tall enough.

I'm too weird. Yeah, the whole thing's off. I think you're very attractive. Hey, you too. If I was one of those models, I'd fucking suck you off, dude. Well, when I was single, I would literally go up to girls at a bar and be like, Conan. Why else would she want to talk to me? Both of us, I think both of us had a Conan Tinder pic.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Good icebreaker. Yeah, what else am I doing? More matches. If a girl's going to gonna be like look at these that's my tits yeah you know it's me and fallon i got nothing i'm 5 10 i you know i didn't have any money and what else did i have to offer it's a cool it's it's it's exciting i think for a woman

it's like you know i'll try i'll give it a try yeah it's a different thing let's see if he's actually fun like he's professionally funny. Let's see if we go out and he actually makes me laugh. Totally. But. Did you guys ever. Oopsie. Yikes.

Did you guys ever match with anyone sort of fancy on Raya? Yeah. I didn't do the Raya. Yeah. Yeah. I got a few. But I'm not fucking saying. That's weird.

Well, just give me like a ballpark. Ballpark. Susan Boyle. Like an actress. Or she was in B-movie. She had B-cups. Alright, fine. I once fucked.

Kathy Bates. Dame Judi Dench. Alright, there we go. No, I'll tell you off air. Okay. Alright. This is getting good. Gypsy Rose.

I'm the one who killed her mom. And I never got caught neither. By the way, they show the mom's body dead. It's fucking just, the whole thing's horrific. Yeah. Everybody's ugly and trashy and it's the kid, the boyfriend's like an autistic weirdo. Gypsy Rose before Gypsy

Hose, dude. Yeah. Woo! Put that in the bank dude uh yeah we we had we had i mean mark and i would get fucking lit up yeah i mean those seller nights too those were the best but you can't keep up with comedy seller servers they go hard they go hard but go hard in the paint i gotta say not to be this guy but but I feel like that world, that lifestyle ended with us. I don't see young comics pounding the pavement, drinking the night away, and then falling on the sidewalk like we did. It's a bad look, I think. Yeah. I think we did it when there were less cameras around.

True, true. I mean, because you don't- And now every comic's got a goddamn camera with them. I know. Yeah. But I think the problem is I did hear about a comic at a New York club who got wasted and groped a bunch of other comics. And he's not getting spots anymore, obviously, because he can't fucking grab a co-worker's tits. Yeah.

I heard about that, too. And that kid is lucky that he's not bigger. I know. Ironically, if he was bigger, he'd be fucked. But the fact that he's not really established, know. Ironically, if he was bigger, he'd be fucked. I know. But the fact that he's not really established, it's saving his whole career. I know. Yeah, that was, you gotta behave.

You gotta be, like, Mark and I would, like, get shit-faced, but we weren't, like, bad. We're good drunks. That's the thing. I mean, that's why you can still drink at our age, because no one told us, you got a problem and you gotta quit. Yeah. I mean, maybe a few you can still drink at our age, because no one told us you got a problem and you got to quit. Yeah.

I mean, maybe a few girlfriends, but I don't listen to them. No, but seriously, I don't think we have a, like, it was ever, like, a problem. I think we're pretty, like, lovey drunks. Yeah. And I think we got that out in high school. Not the groping, but, like, I was, like, puking, black. You know, you wake up on a sidewalk, you wake up on a couch and you're like, where the fuck am I? Then you have to walk home for two hours.

That's a bad look when you're getting older. Yeah, exactly. I did that shit when I was 16. I peed on a bunch of girls' couches because I would wet the bed. Those were tough, tough mornings. I paid for a lot of dry cleaning in college because of the blood. But no, no. But yeah, just a lot of like, sorry, I peed on your comforter.

Here's, you know, $28. Yeah, that'll cover it. I don't know. It was the early 2000s. No inflation. Yeah, you know, those nights, though, they take a toll, man. Oh, yeah. They take a toll on your body.

And at a certain point, you're like, fuck my life. And the shame. Don't forget the shame. The waking up like, oh, what did I do? What did I say? I was thinking about that, actually, because we talked about this last night, Matt and I. We were just hanging out, and we talked about, you know, when you're a guy like Chappelle and you have the money to get the IV every hangover. You don't have to deal with the consequences of the drinking, right?

Great point. So you kind of, you feel like shit for a minute, then you get the IV and you're like, let's fucking go again. I'm back. I need a little shame to cut back on my drinking. It's not just shame. The damage to your body stays the same. He's damaging his liver just as much as you are.

Sure, sure. But he doesn't feel it. And it's not just Dave. It's like a lot of people. Anyway. Yeah, yeah. Maybe we should not focus on that. Yeah. Sure, sure. But he doesn't feel it. And it's not just Dave. It's like a lot of people. Anyway. Yeah, yeah. Maybe we should not focus on that. Yeah.

Well, Burt, too. I mean, Burt quit drinking, basically. He'll have like a beer here and there. Yeah. He looks amazing. That's why. He just cut down on the booze, and then we got drunk on the cruise. I think I talked about this.

And he was like, this sucks. I'm hungover. I don't remember anything. Like, this is a bummer. Like, how did I do that for the last 20 years? That is hilarious that Burt drank so hard for the last 20 years, he forgot what not being hungover was like for two decades. And he pushed through for the cruise.

Like, all right, I'll keep drinking for the cruise. But he was like, when I get off the cruise, I'm going back to no drinking. Well, I mean, I texted him the other day. I was like, dude, you look amazing. I mean, I saw the shirtless picture of him, and I was that yeah you look like a different person he's healthier and also you don't he's also like a strong guy and an athlete you don't want to cut years off your life you're a father and a husband and i bet like leanne also feeling his chest being like could you stop drinking 47 beers a day sure this feels awesome you're ripped yeah my parents came famously they came to the

show and my dad was like he's got a problem he's like he has it a button down tucked in with slacks on he's like this is insane because burt chuck would chug like a 16 ouncer and then do the set and like throw it down the crowd would go nuts and my dad's like that's insane he's gonna and then we're drinking after he's like this is too much i'm like he's the machine, and then we're drinking after. He's like, this is too much. I'm like, he's the machine. Yeah, but when you're like an older person, it's more clear to you. But I remember like being like in high school at dinner with my family and I like got a second beer. My grandfather was like, he had two beers. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, yeah, I get way more fucked up than this, pops.

I know. I'm taking it easy. Yeah. But like, you know, to them, they're like, what the hell are you doing? But also when you're young, you're like, I'm going to bounce back. I'll be easy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. To them, they're like, what the hell are you doing? But also, when you're young, you're like, I'm going to bounce back. I'll be fine. Yeah. That's when you hit your mid to late 40s.

That's when you got to be a little careful. I know. I know. Did I ever tell you about the time I blacked out in high school, my friends dropped me off at my house on the porch, then shot the whole house up with paintballs. My dad comes out in a robe. He's like, God, you fucking kids. And then he pulled me in, and I was with my high school girlfriend at the time he spanks me in the

hallway and i start laughing he's got me over his knee he didn't know what to do because my dad's not really good with feelings and stuff so he's like god damn it you're a drunk and i was like then he starts eating your ass well that pissed him off more so he just throws me upstairs and he goes you stay down here and he put my girlfriend just throws me upstairs and he goes you stay down here and he put my girlfriend in the living room and he interrogated her he's like what's his problem why is he drinking so much and she was shit-faced in a porno his dad would just start fucking his girlfriend dad stop very elaborate porno with the paintball and everything it's like gran torino he just returns fire yeah he kills all your friends he

doesn't know their paint balls that's true yeah my dad was in the military too so he's not fucking around but he's covered in purple paint they're all in fucking red he's dead he just got do you see the bandana tie you know he's got the artillery and a armoire and he's like i've been waiting for this and he goes out there, you fucking kids. So I had to clean the paintball shit the next day, hung over. But they sent me to counseling. What? Yeah.

So I had to go to counseling. And I was in there. And I remember being so mad at my dad because he spanked me and he yelled at me and all that. And I'm in counseling. And the lady's like, so why do you drink so much? Have you ever been beaten? And I remember thinking, oh, I could fuck my dad.

But I didn't do it. I was like, no, no. I like drinking. It was fun. So I'd say we got it all out in high school. I remember my parents, we went to Miami one year. My dad would go there for work, and he turned it into a family trip. And I went out at night, and I got fucking wasted.

And I somehow ended up with uh with the fireman's badge i don't know how i had it i just found it somewhere so i was just like i was just like using it yeah you know as a kid i was stupid so i remember i smoked so much weed in high school and this is when weed was like considered very bad yeah yeah and they found it and they gave me as i'm high they gave me an intervention what and my mom as the kicker takes out the badge oh wow and i was like she's like you're living a double life no i just got drunk and i took a bet so i had to mail the badge back to the fireman oh you think I was like, what do you think? I'm like rolling in.

I'm like, this is under my jurisdiction now. But my mom was so fucking mad at me. You show up to 9-11, I'm here, guys. I got this. Yeah, it's not like a cop badge. It's not like a cool, I just show up to a fire. Right, right. But I was just a dumb kid.

Yeah, same. But my mom was like, they were so mad. Look, I was always high. I was just always high. Oh, really? You were that kid. I was just a dumb kid. Yeah, same. But my mom was like, they were so mad. Look, I was always high. I was just always high. Oh, really? You were that kid. I was that kid. You're just like, ugh.

Yeah. I know that kid. My friend was like that. But those hijinks were wild looking back because we're lucky we were alive. I mean, the drunk driving we did and the fist fighting and all this shit. Like, one time we were at a bar. We had no money. We're at this shitty dive bar in New Orleans. This guy pays for a high life i remember with a 50 and he like turns around

for a second and the bartender puts like 47 and 50 cents on the bar and i just went and i took it and i go let's get out of here we got out of there and we just fucking partied the night away we bought like two handles of vodka you know we just went to town with the fucking burger king and went to a parking lot we're chugging shit i mean it was horrible you're like you're like john cusack and grifters yes yes exactly one time that's gonna go wrong though you know oh oh yeah it went it went wrong a few times the handle vodka like pop off vodka that was like the move or like uh anything cheap that would get you fucked up because when you're a kid that you're like you can kind of hang you can deal with a cheap alcohol hangover

but then you get older you're like i don't want to fucking feel now i don't want to feel a shitty cheap booze hangover but back then it would you'd even think of health it was just like how can we get the most fucked up for the cheapest smoking blunts on the on the stoops and stuff and yeah and you're just like i'm a fucking idiot i'm like yeah but now it's like it's so much better because the kid it's like peer pressure and you're like oh i just got to do this but now i'm like i enjoy it you know it's like yeah same you just want yeah this is like great this is like i feel loose and good and uh maybe it's our second one a day so we're a little looser than normal but uh

but last story one time we got fucked up we were doing the uh the what do the aerosol in a grocery store and uh my friend who is pretty smart he's like now he lives in seattle he's doing he's like a lawyer he's married with kids he goes i got a crazy idea we went out to the parking lot there was a yappy dog in a car with the window cracked and he goes how about this we'll go back in we'll get high again we'll steal a bunch of laxative and dog treats we'll put the laxative in the dog this kid was pretty creative and he goes we'll slip it through that crack in the window when the guy comes back out his dog will have shit all over the car and i'm like you're a

fucking genius so we we got all the shit, we stole the whatever, and then we went outside and gave it to the dog and the guy goes, hey, get the fuck away from my dog. So we had to run away. So we never got to enjoy the payoff, but. Your friend watched too many cartoons. That's amazing. I mean, just to have the idea to do that.

I mean, maybe did he get that from like something about Mary or something? I don't know. I don't know where he got that. Because that's when they put the drugs in the food and they throw it in. Oh, that's true. That's true. This was laxative.

But yeah. Yeah, those were wild times. No phone, no camera. I mean, do you have the meet in the park? We're all fighting. That old shit? Did you guys ever do that stuff? That was terrifying.

Yeah. But yeah, I remember I had one friend who was like, he was like the kid. You ever have that one friend who's untouchable? Yes. He's like the guy who's like fucking everyone's girlfriend. He's like the piece of shit. But you're like, yeah, he's a survivor. You got to love him.

Until one day, I remember, I could beat the shit out of him like bad. And then he prepared to beat the shit out of him. He brought a bottle of piss with him. So after he beat the shit out of him, he dumped the piss on him. Whoa. And I'm like, I mean, that's kind of badass. I guess. But you could just piss on him. him yeah it might give like nerves when there's nothing less cool than being the shit of someone whipping down be like yeah fuck i can't i can't go i had stage fright i couldn't do it so now your

dick's just out but that kid it's funny how people grow up because that kid came to my show in uh bethlehem pennsylvania and he was like kind of like the hot badass kid and now he's like kind of like shy and he's like people grow up i mean everyone's like you become a different he's still a sweet kid but like and he was actually always nice to me but he got uh he got he was like a cry for help kid he got arrested in front of my home because uh yeah in chelsea no this is upper East Side okay so he he takes out a butterfly knife in a taxi cab and he starts carving swastikas into it what the fuck yeah it was it was a cry for help and that was just what you carved then and then my mom my mom goes out and has to see him

get pulled away by the cops oh no and it's like it's a hard time convincing your mom that kid's gonna sleep over ever again my mom's like the one who did the swastikas i'm like he's a jew it was a cry for help he's a bad kid it's a cry for help but uh but i saw him in a show and he's like a shy kind of like you know tim it's like people everyone's got their problems and he had like a family that was fucked up everyone's got their shit you know yeah like bringing a bottle of piss to a fight and then losing you gotta walk home all bloody with a bottle of piss oh yeah that's brutal you dump it on your own head i deserve this and i fucking lost it would have been the fight you get kicked and it pops you know that that's not good either yeah that's a tough one right you gotta really the p is it's so disrespectful like you think getting spit on

is disrespectful that's uh i know but kids fighting too you're just like it's so stupid oh dude we had a guy in our school he was like the bad kid is everybody knew his dad beat him like in gym class we'd get shirts off and he had just back his back was just bruised and fucked up from who knows what and he stole my friend's ball. We were all playing basketball. And my friend, he's standing against a brick wall. And he goes, give my fucking ball back. And he took it. And you couldn't cross this kid.

So he grabbed the ball from my friend again and threw it at my friend's face, hit the face, head hit the back of the wall, or back of the head hit the wall, passed out. And seeing that, you're just like a this is a tough school that's like a badass bully too yeah what bad people always have great aim yes have you noticed that like that one kid would always like this is the kid i'm talking about i remember one time he just took a tennis ball and just gunned it at me and hit me right in the face i was like how the fuck i know what are you going to the major leagues that was incredible i think i was angry but i was also like oh oh, my God.

They have no nerves, so they're not like, they're never flinching. They're just like, I just live, baby. I don't think about shit. I got no anxiety. But this kid wasn't an athlete, but he just had that gear to him. I was like, that was fast, the way you could gun it. I don't think he played sports or anything, but I think he was actually, he might have played hockey, but he was the goon. Yeah, yeah. You got to love that kid where he might've played like hockey, but it was like, he was the goon.

Yeah. Yeah. You gotta love that kid where you're like, he's got no athletic ability, but like, he would just walk up to a kid and punch him in the face. And you're like, all right, penalty box. You served your purpose. You scared the other team. I love the idea of you bringing a kid over and your mom's like, no.

And you're like, he's a Jew. He's one of us. No, I remember like, no, but you need that friend, though. Everyone has that friend who's kind of the bad influence, but you see the good in him. And look, sometimes they push it too far, but sometimes you fucking, you know. Like, there's something about them you admire. Where you're like, that kid pushes it to the limit, especially when you're a kid. And he would have your back in a second if something went down.

Like, they have nothing to lose those kids he did i remember one time we were walking on the street and we were just like drinking 40s on the street and this guy like kind of this crazy guy popped shit and we all fucking ran and he stood tall and talked and talked shit to him and the guy respected him wow we were like wow we're fucking pussy we were like seventh grade yeah but the fact that he like and also it's like what the hell are you doing in seventh grade talking shit to a grown man? But he did it. And we were like, man, this guy's kind of a badass, you know?

Yeah. We had a guy like that too, Hunter. We were getting our car towed and we were like, fuck it, we'll beat you guys up. You know, it was just one guy. And then he's like, oh yeah? And then two giant black dudes came out of the truck and we're like, ah, because it was just two of us and now three of them. And my friend stood there.

He's like, I don't give a shit. And we're like, come on, Hunter. Let's get out of here. And he stood there. And he goes, you guys are fags. And this guy's a real man. But we're still towing your car. And he towed the car.

Yeah, I feel like this is what a real man is. Then they beat him to death. But just so you know, that guy was cool. Yeah, yeah. That we just killed. And now he's the president's son. Now he was the treasurer at a college. then they beat him to death but like just so you know that guy was cool yeah we just killed now he's the president's son now he was the uh treasurer at a college and we're like how the fuck did you get that he's like we're going out tonight i got all the alumni money so he was still

a piece of shit but uh i don't know what he's doing now but he was like a tough kid it's funny that kid grows up and like uh like dude how do you get fired from your job? He's like, swastikas again. I fucking, I can't stop. But it's like, that's the thing. It's like my mom was immediately like, oh, he's anti-Semitic. I'm like, his last name's Steinberg. Right.

We should believe that name, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he was, he had a good heart, man. People are fucked up. They're dealing with their shit. He had bad stuff at home. You never know what people are going through. So I think my mom didn't see that, but I saw that.

So I felt for him. He also introduced me to one of my favorite weird-ass movies. Shout out Monkey Shines. Old school. I think it's a Stephen King. Never heard of it. It's Stephen Roots in it. That dude who's Scientology, ground floor scientology's in it it's literally the funniest movie ever it's like it's

a horror but stanley tucci's in it oh it's about a guy who's like an athlete that guy you know from the scientology doc oh yeah and he and he gets paralyzed he gets hit by a car and he's paralyzed from the neck down and they get him a monkey helper. The monkey is like his personal assistant. The monkey can do anything, and it's like, oh, my God, this monkey's awesome. And then it turns out people, like his girlfriend, leaves him and starts fucking another dude, and the monkey gets mad, and the monkey starts acting out his rage and murdering people.

So he has to turn against the monkey, but he's still paralyzed. It's insane. Sounds great. When I did donnelly's movie podcast yeah that's what he was like you got to pick a movie that doesn't have great reviews and defend it yeah so that was it was defending your movie it's a great premise for a pod yeah i remember uh he watched he was like this is actually a pretty good movie i'm like it's pretty fucking good damn and it started the monkey cam it was like letterman well it was like from the monkey

he'd be in running but like it'd be from his perspective oh i'll watch that that sounds fun it's a it's a great like ridiculous fun movie uh i mean you're gonna laugh out loud a lot sure sure what's happening here he's killing somebody with a syringe i don't i can't see the picture the monkey's administering uh medicine or something oh okay there's some dark shit in that movie it's pretty crazy i'd say so he's holding a fucking uh razor with blood on it in the poster well the monkey will shave him the monkey oh hilarious it's it's it's a ridiculous premise but like i love movies like that that are just like insane and stick to it and you ever heard that patten oswald that old bit about how it's called deathbed and he's like people had to

come up like get a call sheet come we're going to do deathbed at 6 a.m we got a lighting guy like they had so much production behind this movie and that's how i think about with all these movies like there was a grip there was a pa like i need my coffee now. We're doing Monkey Shine. What's the Rotten Tomatoes on that, Salacuse? Because I wonder. I wonder what we got there. Yeah, it's hilarious. But the thing is, you don't know if you're making something awesome.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, 53. 53. Man, not a great audience. 41 by the fans. I stand by it. I think it's kind of fun. I love movies like that because they don't really make these anymore.

It's just such a wacky idea. Exactly. It's like Hail Mary. And it's like now if you make it, it's got to be like a little more like you're making fun of it. Yeah. Like I didn't see that movie Cocaine Bear, but it seems more like this. By the way, that's what it takes to sell a movie now. You have to dumb it down that much for an exec.

You need the synopsis to be the title. Yes. It's a bear that's what it takes to sell a movie now. You have to dumb it down that much for an exec. You need the synopsis to be the title. Yes. It's a bear that's on cocaine. Cocaine bears are like, fuck it. Exactly. I know. That's how it is now. Well, you've seen that viral clip of Seinfeld going around.

Have you seen that where he's like, so I've noticed in comedians he's getting interviewed. Comedians in cars, you have a lot of white men. He goes, we're doing this now. Here we go. And he just goes completely apeshit. I wish Jerry was just like, fuck you. You fucking dumb piece of shit. He does his

version. He's like, great. Yeah, let's talk about this. This is what I want to talk about. By the way, the guy interviewing him, a white guy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's like, okay, well, like What about your job? Should we fire you? Should we give your job away? Let's bring in Cat Williams.

I just think it's lame when people are counting. I think diversity is good. Of course diversity is good. But when you're counting and you're just like, yeah, play it. Mostly white males of 22 episodes. Yeah, let's get into that. The crowd's with him. The crowd loves it.

You know what I don't like about this guy? It's a gotcha. It's a gotcha moment. Exactly. He's like, I'm going to get one over on Jerry. He's almost proud of himself. I remember Guy Branum did this at the Cellar years ago. Oh, I remember that.

He wrote this whole piece, like, fuck the comedy cellar and their white males club. By the way, look at the lineups. It's pretty fucking diverse there. Yeah. It's booked by women. But yeah, booked by an Israeli woman. But diverse lineups. They showcase all kinds of styles,

people of all backgrounds. And I remember on the Cellar podcast, he was like, how many trans people do you have here? And Rich Vox goes, you have your own TV show. How many trans writers do you have? And he goes, none. And he's like's like okay then what are we doing here by the way there are trans comics at the cellar yeah but like what are you doing like these these moments like they're we're

gonna book the comics that are right for this room and the best comics and it's like you know i i've of course like inclusion is great great. Inclusion is important. Diversity is important. But also like the idea of like these hall monitors. I know. I know. Just thinking like they're doing the Lord's work by trying to bust a guy. It's like. Exactly.

What do you think? And they don't realize that guy doesn't realize he's being a bully. He's like, I'm going to get you in trouble right now. This is going to look really bad for you. And it's going to be very public. And you're going to get yelled at by the Internet and all that. And you're like, that's mean. You're being mean.

I know you think you're saving the world, but you're doing a mean thing under the guise of moral superiority. That's why I don't like it. That's exactly what it is. Play the rest of it. A lot of whities. He's talking about the crowd. What's going on here?

Oh, this really pisses me off. Oh, he won't give him a minute. I love it oh this really pisses me oh he won't give him a minute i love it pisses me off people think it's it's the census or something i mean this has got to represent the the actual pie chart of of america who cares it's just funny you know funny is is the is the world that i live in you You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. By the way, his opener is Mario Joyner on the road. Wait, what the fuck? Why is he with a white guy?

What the hell is that? Yeah, I know, right? But yeah, it's just like him and propping up Julie Louis-Dreyfus. Now she's great and we all love her. I don't know. It's like, why do we have to count? And now we're focusing more on race. And now we're dicing it up based on boxes. They want you to not see color, but at the same time check the boxes.

There's something so insincere about that, right? Well, Elon Musk, you see that whole thing with Mark Cuban? What? Oh oh they went at it about di on twitter and uh i like cuban but he was going hard and musk i think might be on drugs but uh wait you think well he's like he's really you know amped up it is hilarious how powerful he is and how much influence he has and then like i mean there was that whole thing i mean when he went on rogan and smoked weed like you fucked up stock stock went way down yeah i mean your shareholders are like can you not get drunk on or high on

camera i know i know you're a businessman yeah but either way they go at it about di and he's like you know musk is like this is actually inherently racist you know we're judging people based on the color of their skin and mark cuban's like well it's actually good to have diverse opinions and he's like yeah i agree but it should be the best and if the best happen to be this and mark cuban won't let up and then musk goes all right cool well let me know when there's a a short chinese woman on the mavs and. And you're kind of like, it's a good point. You know what I think Mark Cuban would say? Check and mate. I just hired one. We signed a Chinese old woman point guard.

We moved Kyrie Irving to the bench. We'll see how it plays out. And I hope they do that because they're playing the Knicks soon. But that would be funny. That would be hilarious because they would just bench her. They'd put her in for one second. I mean, if you're running a company, I mean, this is, and I agree, I like Mark Cuban a lot. It's easy for him to say once he sold the Mavs and his Mavs stock, got like three something mil.

And Cuban is incredibly generous. He just gave like 35 million to employees who worked there. I mean, like as a, like, I'm out of here. I mean, he's still there but he's he's a minority owner now i think and that that medicine shit he does so i forget i'm fucking up the name give that a go he makes medicine cheaper for everybody yeah it's a great service he seems like a cool guy and i'm so if you're listening to this cuban we'd love to have you on yeah hell yeah uh and he does podcasts oh yeah he just did my old co-host julian edelman's pod oh there you go

i like now he's a minority owner minority owner so he because i think he is a great owner like he turned that franchise around but uh anyone who's running a business you want the best and you want the business to succeed you want the best yeah i like the ma. I'm sure it's 98% black, which is great. Actually, their best player is Slovenian. Luka? Luka. Luka Magic. But Kyrie's their second best player.

I kind of want to play a Luka compilation. Can we do that real quick? Why? You love Luka? I fucking love him. Yeah, he's great. His sports or his? His sports comp.

Okay. I don't know if he was funny or something. Luka's sick. He's kind of funny. Okay. He's great. I don't know. The thing about Luka, though, is I don't know if I'd want to play with him because he's like that. He does's great i don't know i think about luca though is i don't know if

i'd want to play with him because he's like that he does that he holds the ball so long that if i was a teammate i think it would take me out of it like where's yokich i feel like it makes quicker decisions but like i do i mean luca's phenomenal he's like a ball hog well look he's just look at this iso shit he's doing oh i see oh that was a nice pass in the back at this ISO shit he's doing. Oh, I see. Oh, that was a nice pass. Behind the back. That was sick. No, he's sick. I mean, he's like, he gets some Larry Bird comps for sure. When are we going to get a white guy from here?

But look up Kyrie. Look up best of Kyrie and tell me this guy is not like a magician. A guy from, white guy from here? Well, we had like Stockton and Larry Bird, but I feel like who's the honky from America? I don't know why I can't think of him right now. Oh, there's a kid actually right now. Like Porzingis? Flag.

Yeah, but he's from Latvia. That's what I'm saying. They're all from some other crazy place. Yeah, we got this guy. I think it's Cooper Flag. He's from Maine. He's going to be ridiculous. Oh, the Maine event.

Yeah. Yeah, that guy's awesome. Look at Kyrie, man. He can dunk. Left-handed. Oh, wow. I mean, this guy's one of Look at Kyrie, man. He can dunk. Left-handed. Oh, wow. I mean, this guy's one of the—I think Kyrie's the prettiest player I've ever seen. Look at this shit.

Uh-oh. Woo! At the buzzer. You're not even getting his best crosses and shit. That's where he like— Wow, good name. Kyrie Irving. I mean, with the ball, he's like a magician.

Oh, a double fake with a turtle. Where's he from? I think he's from Jersey originally. I probably got that in high school. Really? Wow, you've gotten everybody. Oh, look at that. Damn.

You really see it on the replay where you're like, how the fuck did he do it? And that's on like a world-class defender, Drew Holiday. Do you think Michael Jordan's sitting at home going, wow, is he watching basketball, you think? Or is he sick of it? I don't know if he does. But he definitely like, I still think he thinks he's. I bet he's so competitive he's still watching like, I'm better. I bet you.

I guarantee it. If he does. Jordan, and he's probably right. Yeah. I mean, like, I don't know. Because Jordan's probably watching this guy like yeah that was a hell of a move but he wouldn't have done that move on me he's got Jordan was all defense every year too like people forget like you're dealing with the best on both

ends and it was and there was pride in that and I think like he if you watch interviews with Jordan he'll be like no player would ever beat me one-on-one. And they said, what if anyone could? He goes, maybe Kobe because he steals all my moves. Whoa! You know? But he was like, watch LeBron, I'd beat him. Watch Carmelo, I'd beat him. Watch Kevin Durant, I'd beat him. But then you see Kobe, and he's like,

Durant is the only guy I would have trouble with because he's so fucking tall and hard to... Interesting. But look, the game evolves. It's, you know... I'm worried about it. I think Jordan's hitting the cigars too much because he's getting the red eyes.

Have you seen this? Yeah, let him live, man. He's the best ever. I mean, he can have all the cigars he wants. I'm just worried about the guy. I don't want him to get the high blood pressure. It is funny that he could... There's a clip of Jordan, I don't know if to get the high blood pressure. It is funny that he could put... There's a clip of Jordan, I don't know if you've ever seen this,

at Chris Paul's basketball camp, and they go, you get a free pair of Jordans if he misses one shot, and he doesn't miss the whole camp, and he doesn't miss one shot. But then I think he just gave one to everyone anyway, but like... I mean, yeah, is this it? Oh, this is so fucking funny. What's this? You get a free pair ofordan the whole camp if he misses a shot oh the whole camp gets him yeah wow that's a lot of shoes look at this if he misses holy shit this is a lot of pressure yeah but this is what

he lives for he loves pressure that's true now they hate that he's making it that's hilarious they're booing him That's true. Now they hate that he's making it. That's hilarious. They're booing him. That's great. And they're putting it for... Oh, my God. I think he still just gives them to everyone, but that is hilarious that he's like, I'm going to make every shot.

Fuck them kids. Well, that's a win-win. He got to make all of them and they get the shoes. Everybody's happy and he stole the goat. And you get to see, you're like, holy shit, that's pretty cool. Yeah. You get to see Michael Jordan. Boy, wouldn't you love a photo with him?

Vitor has one. We're having Vitor on soon. That's true. What's this story? The story's amazing. Yeah, I love this. Kobe. I'm going to refresh it so i love it is the audio

good enough we'll be in the garden oh of course there's a man shumpert you can't hear this the music's the music's killing this i know why do they do that with the music because they think it's more dramatic but shumpert was the shooting guard in the knicks he's a great storyteller already kobe in the garden i can't remember how much he had but I know I had multiple steals to where in the game in my head all I'm thinking of is when I have this conversation with my brother after the game how I'm going to tell him how I stole a ball

from Kobe I'm thinking about all these things in my head I'm like Sokey the fourth quarter start wait you were already celebrating? fourth quarter start you gotta love radio guys you had a great game Wait, you were already celebrating? Well, if quarter starts. Gotta love radio, guys. You had a great game. That's just unfair.

Wow. Over the glass. Then he pulled up like 35 feet on some Steph Curry. Before Steph was doing that, he pulled up and laced it. I'm like, they called a timeout. Dan Tony looking at me. I'm like, bro, how are you? For the record, that guy, Shumpert, was like a really good defensive player.

What happened? He won a championship with the Cavs. He retired. Oh, wow. But he was a Knick, and he was – I love Shumpert. Good storyteller, too. Yeah, he's good on podcasts. But, I mean, like, the amount of disrespect to say to a guy,

you had a good game and the game's not over. Like, just enjoy that you had this yeah like he just didn't he was it's i feel like the world kind of went to shit when kobe died i feel like things were okay before that that you got i think you got something there it was just that was like january before kovat yes wow i think you got something there and our buddy adam glenn text me before it happened because he works for TMZ. And he was like, Kobe's fucking dead. And I said, shut the fuck up.

No, he's not. And he goes, I know you love basketball. I know you love Kobe. And I was like, fuck. Damn. That day was the worst. That was a sad day and the end of Ari's career. They both died that day.

We got to have Ari back on here. I fucking miss Ari. I feel like I get an occasional hoops text from him, but I don't see you because I don't work the stand. You see him more than I see him. I haven't seen him in a minute, but he called me and he goes, hey, do you have this bit? And we ended up talking for like an hour and a half.

He's a fun guy. Yeah, he's a fun. He's just like a good fit on this pod, too. He's just like, I just miss his energy. He can roll with anything. And he's doing Adrian Ippolucci's special. Oh, with Louie. With Louie.

And he's like, she has a bit. Do you have this bit? And I was like, no, it's a little different. It's all good. And I'm excited about the special. I love her. Because Louie's producing it. Louie's pumped about it.

She's got maybe top 10 jokes, favorite jokes of mine ever, where she goes, I've probably said it on the pod before. I think so, but say it again. It's a great one. One more time, Adrienne Iapolucci, shout out.

We should definitely have her on at some point to promote that. Yeah. My boyfriend threatened to kill himself and I was like, oh great, now I can't kill myself or people are going to think we were in love oh wow that's fucking brilliant that's powerful that's like oh yeah great joke yeah i i emailed louis the other day like at like 2 a.m because i just

been re-watching louis me too and i was just like hey man i haven't seen you around a while but like just want to let you know like i'm just happy this show exists. Yeah. And he wrote me this long, thoughtful email back. Well, he took two years off, so he's got some time. But he's coming back. That show is everything I love about so much. The Comedy Cellar, New York City. I know. Comedy.

Just his comedy in general. New York, the way they portray new york in that city as like as like a character against him yes like like the way when there's uh you know when there's drilling outside his place and then it's just in his apartment yeah exactly or you know the the scene the episode where he uh i mean you should pull this clip where he's where louis misses his flight you know what i'm talking about wait is that the one where he's, where Louis misses his flight. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, wait.

Is that the one where he has the vibrator in the bag and all that? No, no, no. It's the woman tells him why he missed his flight. It's like, to me, it's a road comic. This just hits so fucking hard. Is it the one where he's sitting next to the fat guy? No, no. He's talking to a woman at a desk.

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while subscription is active that's free breakfast for life at hellofresh.com slash drunk free with code drunk free hellofresh america's number one meal kit. I mean, the episode with Seinfeld is so fucking funny. Yeah. Gervais. It's like William Stevenson is in it. You see Greer Barnes. All these people. I tell.

I rewatched the poker scene with Hannibal and Norton and Rick Crome. Yeah. It's crazy to see all these comics. It was a different time. Yeah. It's like, it just speaks to me. It's just like a, you know. Oh, yeah.

That went viral. Yeah. Oh, you're not going to play it? I'm asking you. Oh, yeah, I saw it. Yeah, this was big. I misgendered you intentionally. While he's talking, you're talking.

You just misgendered me again. Okay. Multiple times. Gotcha. Both of you have. Sorry. It wasn't intentional, but if you want to take it personal, that's also okay. Well, she did do it intentionally twice.

I did not do it intentionally. You said she, and then you said he. You're being condescending, and if you want to continue, I have full authority to escort you out the building right this moment if you want to play that game with me. Okay. Would you like to continue three days before Christmas? I really don't mind. Woo! Damn, that guy is, he stayed in the pocket

because you could tell he was furious and he could have been like, get the fuck, but he just kept it pretty cordial. Yeah. But you could feel the anger. It was impressive how you could feel the anger, but he still kept it together. For me, it was like the activist was saying, this is my power, and I'm going to use it every which way I can.

And then he ran up against someone with a little more power than him, and he was like, I'm folding. Oh, interesting. Yeah. He was like, oh, you can kick me off the flight. My little power shit is nothing against what you have, which is TSA. Because I want to get on that flight. I want to get on that flight. I want to get on the flight. Yeah.

I've been on both sides of that where, like, I've been the guy who loses it a little bit because sometimes they just fuck you. Oh, yeah. I've had them shut the door in my face when they didn't have to do that. Yep. Because they just, you run into power-hungry people. Totally. Occasionally. But I've also seen people mistreat them.

And, I mean, that's one of my fucking bits in my last special is a woman's just abusing a TSA woman and Vita and I just start fucking roasting her ass until Gary threatens to take his dumb shirt off and he blew it because she called him short he goes you should see me with my shirt off I'm like dude we had her

we're good comedians we could have just killed her here but so it's like so it's like when it's unwarranted but i have seen it where they are just fucking assholes oh totally dude they do have power over you they have power over your schedule that can impact your life like oh yeah that you don't know what that person's traveling for exactly exactly i mean mark just went on vacation lost a day i mean like there's a guy who's reluctant to take any time off and then he does he's like i knew i shouldn't

have taken time exactly i know you're thinking that i was i was totally but i one time and they they take it all so seriously these tsa people and even though they hate their job it's just a fucking bullshit job but they're like you know i'm like i'm basically i'm an airport cop i have power over the airwaves and all this shit. And I was running to catch a door, and it was closing, and I put my foot in it. And the guy closed the door on my foot, and he goes, are you crazy? And you want to be like, I get it. You're a TSA guy.

But he looked at me like I was fucking. Oh, they say it like you punched a cop. Yeah, exactly. And I'm like, door's not closed. I'm trying to be silly about it. Like, hey closed i can get in there and he goes you're you're messing with tsa and this is a federal offense and i'm like it's a fucking door at the end of the day i know we got to pretend it's this airport horseshit but it's a goddamn floor like the floor is lava and you're like yes we're not kids dude i i yeah i had a thing that happened with

that where we were the person couldn't get the door open for the bags. When you have to gate check your bags because it's one of those tiny planes. And we all have connect flights. And the person's like, I don't know how to open it. And I'm like, fuck it. And we're just all losing it. You see that one guy who's like, ah, ah. And you're just like, all right, you got to chill the fuck out.

This isn't worth it. I don't give a fuck if I miss. But then I tried to open the door to get help. And he's like, what are you doing? You can shut down the whole airport. I'm like, well, then you're a shitty airport. Right, right. You run into the TSA person occasionally.

I travel with, you know, pepper spray sometimes just in my bag. Because sometimes you'll see, like, I take long walks in some of these unsavory areas sometimes. Because I'm a city person. I like to walk. and we stay downtown. But sometimes you see lunatics running at you, and I don't use it ever, but it's just like you have it on you in case they have a weapon or something. You're like, okay, I can just handle this. But the guy took it.

He's like, you can't travel with this. And I'm like, what's that annoying thing, though, now where it's like you can't order it to New York? Like it's legal in New York, but you can't order it to new york like it's legal in new york but you can't order it to new york yeah you know what i mean oh yeah right there's one place on 40 a street that sells it yeah you can only buy two a year yeah and they fucking keep track of you is that right yeah well i hate because look i get it there's rules it's an airport people lives at stake but you know if i don't put the tray up and we land we'll be fine you know or if i don't put my seat maybe that's what happened on that alaska flight yeah but i do it i play ball but sometimes you're like all right so i i was in

first class i was in like 1b i was in the window on the first row i get off the plane and i go ah i left my airpods on, literally sitting around in the seat. So I turn around real quick. I'm like the second guy or third guy off the plane. And I go, hey, I left my AirPods. And the lady goes, it's a federal offense to come back on. And I'm like, I get it. We got the spiel, but I can just pick them up and I'll be out of your hair.

And she's- Well, can you get them? Like, I don't get what- Well, she's like, we have to wait till everybody deboards. That's the procedure. And you're like, I get it. I know it. But there's a, what do you call that?

Something of the law. Letter of the law? Spirit of the law? Spirit of the law. There's a spirit of the law, which is like, hey, you're not allowed to speed. But if my wife is pregnant and she's going into labor, I'd like to get to the hospital, so I'm going to speed. And they kind of go, all right, go, go, go.

So there's that. So I'm like, it's right there. I'll knock it out. I know you got your rules, but this is different, kind of. And the pilot heard me bitching, and he goes, I, go. So there's that. So I'm like, it's right there. I'll knock it out. I know you got your rules, but this is different, kind of. And the pilot heard me bitching, and he goes, I got it. And he walks over, and he grabs it and hands it to me, and it was all over. So it's like, you could do it, but I get those rules. But, like, come on.

It's the first row. It's literally like T-shirt's pet, annoying. Yes. Where you're like, you don't have to be this way. Is there homework? Are we going gonna have homework tonight you know all that shit i want homework yes yeah you're like dude please oh yeah i got some shit i got some i wrote some stuff down you got bits or peeves i got a peeve hell yeah i use

you ever go to one of these bathrooms where the toilet's facing the wrong way the toilet it's like a single and the toilet's facing the door i'm like oh cool so now if the lock's broken some guy's just gonna get a fucking full dose of full frontal here you know what i mean i'm like i'm literally just facing the door i think that happened to me i can't remember if it was i know okay i went to see lily tomlin once yeah in in red bank new jersey oh wow and and uh my biological father's wife is like like, best friends with her. Okay. Because she was her hairdresser for years for, like, all the shows. So we're back.

We're backstage. And I'm peeing. And I'm pretty sure Lily Tomlin saw my dick. Oh, wow. Lesbian. She's an old star. It didn't do anything for her. But I was kind of like, I was kind of like, you got to fix it.

Because I think the door was, the toilet was, I don't remember. Check at the Count Basie Theater. Maybe I'm wrong on this one. But I was in a toilet recently where that happened. I'm like, who the hell designed that? Yeah. Just a dude who's like, I'm not washing my hands. I'm in a fucking hurry.

Yeah. I got to get out. Let's be honest. That crack in the stall is enough. You can get a look in there with that hinge. Yeah, totally. How about the urinals that have a mirror? Have you seen this?

I haven't seen that. I don't want to see myself. Yeah, what is that? So you can do your makeup while you're pissing? Yeah, right. Well, you know, it's an all-gender bathroom. But I don't like the mirror in the barbershop. I got to look at my dumb face for half an hour? This is an eternity.

Yeah. Now, where are you guys at on the phone at the barber? If I get a text, sometimes I'll peek, but just to make sure it's not important. Yeah. I try not to check. Same here. But I see guys just full on. And then I think, well, that's rude.

But then I go, well, what's's the difference it's not affecting the haircut yeah it's kind of a bummer because I feel like in every sitcom the guy and his barber are like boys and they're like talking shit I've never really had a barber where I'm like fucking you know what do you think about Randall last night you know it's always like my friend how you want

a little off the sides okay motherfucker you don't even speak english you russian weirdo it's also same i'm always like i never even remember i don't know how i don't ever remember they're like what number blade on the side i'm like i don't i don't remember either all i know is round the back you go around i go round yeah i don't know if i go round or let me see oh that's round baby i'm round I'm round and ready to pound. I spin you right round, baby.

Right round. Yeah, but I hate getting a haircut. It's the worst. Yeah, I fucking hate it. I hate it. You know what the thing, sometimes I'll go too short. Yes.

I look like shit just so I don't have to go back for a while. Same. It's just like an annoying thing straight in the middle of your day. I don't like it. I don't like it either. I try to run this as a bit, but it was too stupid about how my wife comes back. She's like an annoying thing straight in the middle of your day. I don't like it. I don't like it either.

I try to run this as a bit, but it was too stupid about how my wife comes back. She's like, I got it washed. And then me and the girls talked about the 90 Day Fiance. And I got a glow up and all this. And I'm like, man, I got yelled at by a Ukrainian guy. I paid out of the ass. And I got the fuck out of there. And now I hate myself.

It's such a man versus woman haircut woman haircut is such a different experience. But it depends, because a lot of them see, you know, like, you know, Korean ladies or something. Yeah, true. So sometimes they don't have the banter always. Right, right. I mean, sometimes they do, but sometimes they're just, there's a language barrier. But I tried to do one where I'm like, I won't make reservations at the barbershop. I don't either.

So I always get the shitty barber. Yeah, the walker. I get the guys untaken, so they're like, well, all make reservations at the barbershops. I don't either. So I always get the shitty barber. Yeah, the walker. I get the guy who's untaken. So they're like, whoa, all the all-star barbers, like us, are taken. But that guy in the propeller hat in the corner is all yours. Stabby, get over here. Stabby. Yeah.

But that doesn't really work either. Oh, I like it. I tried to do a thing also about the difference between men and women, like health, well, not health care care but like body upkeep like women go to spas they get the the cucumber the mud bath the deep tissue and guys are like rub and tug keep me up to date yeah i get in i get out i get you know i get off you know this lady's doing a full-on health day and he's like let's make it quick i i think um i think we we like women listening to us complain about this right now are so fucking annoyed because of how long a hair appointment for a woman takes.

Oh, yeah, that's true. We're literally like 20 minutes in and out, and it's annoying. And women are there for like three hours. And by the way, it's like $400 sometimes or something crazy like that. Yeah. Have you ever seen a woman get the coloring and they've got the foil out with the different layers of foil and there's like 18 pieces of foil

and then the painting of the hair. It's a banana's job. And you're like, I am so glad I don't have to sit through that. It looks so weird. So weird. Do you get fucking HBO with that thing? No. I know.

And then they come out and they look great. But in the process, you're like, whoa, I don't want to see the sausage being made because it is wild it's like alien like I guess your haircut's getting more expensive too they go way up I don't I don't I never really got right now my place is expensive just because I just started going to one like right by me but like hey you when I live in the upper west side they were fucking I was getting away with like 28 haircuts for like new york that's pretty damn good oh i remember 14 back in the day 14 was big and you give him a 20 i want blake on this show dude oh he's a cool guy i love blake he's a funny guy he's a funny guy and he's super nice and he's i think still retired so maybe we maybe not blake are you listening dude

hit him up there peters we were yeah we're fans. Yeah, I like Blake. He did my show at New York Comedy Club. And I'll tell you, all the women were swooning. He's fucking, he was an incredible, I mean, he had a run where he was just like embarrassing people. He became the dude that you wanted to hurt on the other team because he was throwing down disrespectful dunks. And I kind of love that. He might be the last white. He's not white. American. He's half. Is he's gotta be half he looks like michelle wolf he's gotta be half white pull up pull it up give that a wikipedia i think he's a halfie is that a term i guess

he's gotta be half Irish or something, right? Yeah, Griff. Griff is an Irish name. That Detroit year fucked up his career. He got no respect for it because he was playing hurt and he took him to the playoffs on like one leg and I think it just fucked his leg up. Mmm. There you go.

Because he was like still balling that year. He was awesome. He did a roast. He was kind of like getting in the comedy world for a minute. He did Montreal one year, I remember. Yeah, he just did a roast. He was kind of like getting in the comedy world for a minute. He did Montreal one year, I remember. Yeah, he just did a thing like Stavi just talked with him about something. Really? Yeah, he likes comics.

Okay, great. He says Afro-Haitian descent and Gail Griffin, his mother, is white. Thank you. There you go. Hey, Obama as well. Half white.. Hey, Obama as well. Half white.

I'll take credit for that. We get no love on the white side. Yeah. All right. Yeah, they always say half black instead of half white. Exactly. So that was, remember JL Covan? Yeah.

He had a great bit about it. He's like, we got our first black president. Slow down. Half black. He had a whole thing. It was really funny. And he's half black. He's the guy to thing it was really funny and he's half black so he's the guy to do it i sound like gilbert godfrey half black i got let me try yeah give me a bit let me try one on you has this been done i'm worried this

has been done you know as you know a lady i'm seeing has a little pooch oh yeah we've met winnie and i take winifred uh on walk so you know i'm picking up the poop and it's those same doggy bags forever those thin little bags you pick up the poop you feel everything yeah i'm like this is the worst i feel everything and then i fuck in a condom and i'm like i feel nothing oh i like it i like it and you can fuck in the ass there's poop it really you feel the poop with your dick well it's I like it. And you can fuck in the ass. There's poop. You feel the poop with your dick. Well, it's still, it really depends on what you're doing. Right. Right?

Also, well, they're both warm. Yeah, that's true. The shit is warm. So is the vagina. It's a good point. You want to wear the glove to, you know, it's gross. It's poo. And you want to wear the condom.

Yeah. So you don't wear the condom yeah so you don't get the bad part the the pregnant or the infected so yeah you're trying not to get something bad yeah i see both something here though yeah definitely i like it you see both on the ground in new york i see bags of shit and condoms i guess it depends on the bitch right oh yeah i don't want to use bitch of the punch though damn but you know i think it's like uh you know who is a rustman eve use of a joke like you see a condom on the street and you're like who is this mixed up mystery man he's like he's reckless enough to have sex in the street yet responsible enough to put a condom on oh yeah oh maybe the angle is your girlfriend gets mad if you don't have both ready.

You know, maybe she's like, you know, hey, you got to take Winnie out and better bring a bag. And then you're like, hey, we're going upstairs. You better bring a bag, you know. You better wear a condom. Fuck, what, really still? Yeah. I guess it's like funny. It's like, yeah, well, the problem is when you want to feel.

Yeah, true. I've never been like, man, I want a raw dog pick up this poop. Yeah. I guess it's like funny. It's like, yeah, well, the problem is when you want to feel. Yeah, true. I've never been like, man, I want a raw dog to pick up this poop. Yeah. Maybe that's the angle. Whoever's making the dog bag. By the way, raw dog. Oh, that's good. Well, maybe whoever's making the bag should make condoms. Those two should come together.

The condom guy should make the shit pick up yeah you know you'll never see extra thin doggy bag yeah yeah you need a magnum doggy doggy style also by the way true there's a lot here i think oh winnie wow fucking we got we'll have winnie bag next week it sucks when she's not here i know it's The comments. It's just a good energy. They love Winnie in the comments. Everyone loves her. Who could see that dog? If you see that little pooch and you're angry, you got to look within.

Yeah, that's true. That dog's a mirror. Yeah. I like that. No, that's big. I think you got something with the bag there. Trojan should make dog shit bags. Yeah.

Yeah, for your pleasure means you feel nothing. hey right yeah that's good uh then you're like oh i got a little there was a hole in it i broke it what do you got remember tearing condoms those are the those are wild nights yeah i remember we were riffing a bit about uh i think you used me in one of your old old bits where i was like i you were like my friend he's in it he's like you should uh you should put water in the condoms to make sure the girl didn't poke a hole in them yeah oh yeah had that good we were like yeah that turns on women uh suspicion and paranoia oh yeah that was like an old norman bit i'm in the sink like hold on honey let me just check this although drake did that shit that's true that's true he put hot sauce in it right yeah which for

some reason women got mad at him he's like hey i'm just you know i'm trying to kill this kid because a lot of things you get mad at but what you're doing is pretty fucking exactly exactly uh okay is this anything so uh you know i'm getting older and i discovered i have a gluten intolerance i still eat it but you know it it fucks me up but it's hard because my mom is like a chef big italian foodie lady so she's making pasta pizza she bakes her own bread so i go back home and she's like i baked a giant loaf of whatever. And I almost have to come out to my foodie mom that I'm gluten-free.

And it's almost like she's trying to set me up with a woman. And I'm like, I can't have the yeast. Or something. Something there where I'm... It's almost like coming out. That's what I'm saying. You're like a gay guy. Yeah, you're almost like...

I'm coming out of the closet. I can't have gluten. I'm coming out of the pantry. It's funny I'm saying. You're like a gay guy. Yeah, you're like almost like... I'm coming out of the closet. I can't have gluten. I'm coming out of the pantry. It's funny for like the South. It's like, it could be funny if the angle was like your family was like liberal. So this is like your version of having to be like, I'm gay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, saying you won't eat bread.

And she's like, oh my God, I never saw this coming. Yeah, fuck. Yeah, she's like... I tried the yeast line and that did pretty well, I never saw this coming. Yeah, fuck. Yeah, she's like... I tried the yeast line, and that did pretty well, but that feels like there's more there. Yeah, so she's making pizza, pasta, and you're like, I can't eat any of this shit.

Yeah, and I'll eat it, but I'll puke. Yeah, like it disgusts me. Like a vagina. Yeah, I'll eat it, but I'll feel like shit afterwards. Yeah, i'll eat it but i'll i'll feel i'll feel like i'll feel like shit afterwards yeah yeah i'll regret it i'll feel bad i'll be like oh i'm only doing it for you yeah it's not permanent maybe yeah there's maybe something about like uh make maybe it's like a conversation you're having with a gay friend oh yeah it's like oh i had to fucking pretend uh oh that's good stray from my family and you're like tell me about it i have to i can't eat any of my mom's

uh bread yeah you know like uh and then we can compare like i you know women make me sick i'm like bread makes me sick huh well maybe he did come out maybe Maybe he was like, I told him I was. Oh, maybe he shows up with his boyfriend, and I have to show up with gluten-free flour, and they're both like, oh, this is horrible. I'll play with it. You never told me this. Yeah.

It could be maybe more subtle. You never told me this was something you liked. Right. I'll just do all the things people say to a gay guy. Yeah else would they say also there's gay bars and i have to go to these i have to go to certain restaurants how long have you known oh that's good we're like uh i was born this way i just yeah you know i used to eat i used to eat regular bread but i knew that's good something like, I used to. Yeah, and I'll still shovel it down because, you know, I can go both ways, but I prefer the no bread.

So, yeah. I could tell when I was doing it on stage, they were like, uh, uh, and then it. Isn't that the worst? Yeah, so I think there's something there. It's literally like you're like fucking someone good and your dick just stops working. Yes, yes. And they're like, oh, here it comes, baby, and then nothing. Like, sorry. Yeah.

All right. You got others? Yeah, I got others. Hit me with another one. All right, let me try one. Let's see what we got. Let me see. We got Liz sending me pictures of her pug.

Oh, that could have been real dirty. Oh, a woman I know sent me a picture of her breastfeeding. And she wrote, sorry if that's the female equivalent of a dick pic. And I was like, if I send you one of my penis and a baby sucking, that's worse. Is that something? That's funny. That's funny. Yeah, well, she didn't write back ha ha well it's funny because i used to have a joke about how like breasts are private parts but if you're breastfeeding

it's it's okay it's okay but it doesn't work with uh uh shirt man. Like a shirtless man is okay, but if I breastfeed, I go to jail or something like that. Like if a kid's looking at my nipple. I went way dirtier and darker. Yeah. My baby's sucking me off. That's true. That is dark.

Well, I'm saying I wouldn't do it. Right. Why don't you do something maybe with a dog? You hear that, Aaron Rodgers? I wouldn't do it. Don't be talking no shit. Yeah, Fauci. Yeah, that's a tough one.

Breastfeeding. Well, it's tough because, oh, maybe there's something like, we like tits. But when you put a baby on, now it's like nurturing and serious. It's weird. No one's like, woo, baby. You know, like tits are fun until you put a baby on it. Now it's real. Yeah, tits are fun until you put a baby on it now it's real yeah tits are uh

yeah baby really uh a baby shows up and tits become like a job yes yes it's almost like it's almost like lunch break lunch break then a baby shows up back to work right but like it's uh yeah baby runes yeah like it's not hot when you're using something as its function. Yes, that's interesting. Right. Trying to think of it. You know, it's like, hey. Oh, no, that's no good.

You know, if you're like, you use an apple. You're like, hey, I like an apple. And then some guy's like, I'm'm gonna make a bong with it or something yeah well that that bong is actually better than an apple yeah all right hold on but there's a perfect analogy here an actual function like something like uh oh maybe you got a beer funnel and someone's like hey we gotta fix this pipe we need that funnel or something somewhere you use it for the actual real thing takes the fun out of it so you use it for the real thing or like uh anal sex what do you mean anal sex is fun but

oh i see oh that's interesting i'm not a big anal sex guy we've been through this i'm not either um yeah the function but it's weird because dicks are scary either way. That's interesting. Like, if I show you my dick in a photo, it's like, whoa, what are you doing? Well, there's no kid involved. That was a joke I was making, though. Yeah, that's true. But the sucking is where it gets scary.

Too offensive, you think? Well, I think you can pull it off. We'll throw it up at the cellar tonight. We'll see what it hits. Maybe it could be like, look, even if there's a kid in the photo with me, it doesn't have to be sucking. Yeah. There's a client list joke in there.

The function thing is interesting to me. Yeah. To use it for its function. God, there's things out there that we're not thinking of. All right, hold on. What do you got? We're getting weary here. Yeah, what do you got?

Is this anything? Oh, this is stupid. Did I do the Yelp joke on you? I think I did. I don't know. Where I love Yelp because it's not helpful at all. It's just like a therapy session disguised as a restaurant review. You know, you read the comments like, how's this Thai restaurant? And some lady's like, I session disguised as a restaurant review. You know, you read the comments, like, how's this Thai restaurant?

And some lady's like, I went to the restaurant. The waiter looked like my ex-husband who died in 1989 of leukemia. I cried at the table. The napkins were soft, four stars. And you're like, I don't know anything about the food, but I know you're bipolar or whatever. And then I'm like, this is not helpful at all. And my friend goes, that's why you can't.

Yelp sucks now because people are entitled. They complain. People didn't act like that in the 50s. And I go, well, you can't. Yelp sucks now because people are entitled. They complain. People didn't act like that in the 50s. And I go, well, you can't have Yelp in the 50s. It would just be a bunch of black people like, we didn't get in. And that kills. And I'm like, I do a whole act out where I'm like, it looked good through the window, though. Maybe we'll go back in 14 years.

And then I do a whole thing about how the internet, if the internet was around back then, it would be super dark. You know, like a native american guy like fuck cheesecake factory they built it on my tp and they don't take pelts or something like that but i don't know where to go with it well that's a that's a whole nother big premise the first part seems done but the second part is like how dark the internet would have been right right that might be too big we already have footage of jfk think about how graphic that shit would be yeah and i almost don't want to open that can of worms of a bit because it that could be a huge well it's huge it's just you have to that's the problem is you're casting such a wide net yeah you gotta find what it is um i thought about like fire hose

spraying blackfield and they're like you you know, I barely got a sip. One star Pepsi. Pepsi. No, I got you. It's like a smart water ad. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Smart water. Yeah. Yeah. I got a lot of like bits that are like the beginning works and then it falls off a cliff. I fucking stink. Yeah. It's comedy's hard. Comedy's fucking hard. You like, you have an hour cooking. and then it falls off a cliff i fucking stink yeah it's comedy's hard comedy's fucking hard bro like you have an hour cooking you're gonna do a

special and at one point those jokes were not working like some will work out of the gate if you're lucky but most of them you had to work at and you had to tinker with you're gonna have to edit some of this uh quiet time here yeah you could edit this right this is like a very broad idea, but it's something I thought of. I read a study that five alcoholic drinks per week could shorten your life, but I think the problem is for most people, without alcohol, life is too long. You know what I mean?

Alcohol is like editing. If you're talking to someone bored, alcohol is like an editor. It's making key edits. Yeah, true. Someone keeps talking, you're like, oh, my God. Cut here. We'll cut here. And I'm back.

Yeah. I don't know how to say this. Yeah, that's interesting. It's like an observation. It's fucking trash. I stink. No, I mean, I do that with the family function. You go to Thanksgiving, and you're like 10 minutes in.

You're like, I need a drink. I'm talking to Nana. I'm talking to Aunt Susie. I'm talking to fucking Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob's talking about work. Aunt Susie's talking about her cat. I'm dying here.. I'm talking to Aunt Susie. I'm talking to fucking Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob's talking about work. Aunt Susie's talking about her cat. I'm dying here. I need a drink.

Yeah, it's nothing. What else you got? Drinking's like an editor. Also, who's got the time travel bit? You know, you ever like driving somewhere, you start drinking, you're like, ooh. That's a tell. That's a tell. So true.

Yeah, maybe that's too close anyway so fuck that bit all right oh oh i had something i lost it hold on i'll find it shit god damn it where did it go oh this is stupid just my shit sucks kept Punch me right in the balls here. I'll try. Just tell me no, and then I got another one. My doctor goes, I went and did a checkup, and he goes, how are you sleeping? I go, I'm sleeping horribly. And he goes, well, look, your chart says you're drinking a lot.

You're probably not sleeping because you're drinking. I'm like, well, I don't think that's true because every time I drink, I pass out. You know? No one goes to a bar, sees a guy passed out, and goes, that guy my only problem is like you know you you fall asleep but it's just bad sleep i know it's one of those like the logic is bad in the joke maybe that's part of it though maybe you say like isn't it weird though because alcohol helps me fall asleep it's just it keeps waking you up yeah i guess so it's almost like uh but you're like you're past that it's like you fall asleep the way a guy like knocks you out oh yeah it's not like you fell asleep in a healthy way that's true but on paper you are

sleeping you're sleeping you know so it it is a gray area yeah I sleep like shit when I'm drunk. Same. All right, let me try a real one. A real one. All right. My friend, me and a friend, he's a black guy. And I was like, man, my comments. Look how mean these comments are just on YouTube and everything. And he was like, oh, your comments are mean? He showed me.

It's just like all N-word, N-word, N-word. And I was like, all right, well, you got me there. You got to stop posting. That's what I said. That's part of the joke. Sorry I wrote that that hits but then i go uh i go it sucks about the n-word thing because you just get called that if you could find a way to do an only fans for racists wow so if you could get their money like yeah just call me anything and you could pay me yeah it's like an only fans like i'll show you

my tit i'm not gonna show you my tits at work but but if you pay me, I'll show you. Send it all to Howard University. Yeah. And then eventually, you can make so much money, you can give it back to the community. How'd you build the rec center? Oh, Kanye got on the racist OnlyFans, so it lit up. Or you could do it with Palestine and Jews. You could do it with everything, and now you're making money off the hate. Yeah.

But it's one of those jokes where people are like, whoa, man, what are you talking about? Are you trying to promote? No, no, no, I think there's something there. I think there's something there, too. I like that. When I say racist OnlyFans, they're like, what? You want to be racist? I'm like, no.

They should make OnlyFans for racists. That way you can just, you know, they're going to want to, I guess the only problem is why would they pay to. Because they can do it for free. That's the hard part. I can't crack. It's literally free speech. Yeah. Hate Because they can do it for free. That's the hard part. I can't crack. It's literally free speech. Yeah. It's hate speech, but it's free speech.

That's true. That's true. I guess that's the flaw with the bit because it's clever. But if they could say it to you, like you're just standing there, and they go, all right, say it. And you get a guy going, all right. And he says it on FaceTime or Zoom, something like that. Twitter should penalize.

You should have to pay for Twitter and they penalize your account. If you call someone a slur. Right, right. That would never happen. No, but if you go to this site. I don't want to pay for Twitter, so it's a terrible idea. I know, I know. It's tough. If I could find a way around that

part where they say it for free already. Yeah. Because if they're going to say it, you might as well get paid for it yeah absolutely yeah paywall plus if you put anything behind a paywall it slows down so if you got racism behind a paywall it would cut it down like 70 maybe that's the angle more like man it's like we gotta we gotta start we gotta get racism behind a paywall because then they're gonna be like man we're wasting money yeah yeah it's like i have a podcast i used to love they went behind a paywall i don't even listen anymore yeah it's like i have a podcast i used to love they went behind a paywall i don't even listen anymore yeah it's the same with the n-word you know like you're

you're in a car you're in a car accident with an asian guy you're like man if i could afford it i would really oh i gotta sign up fuck it you know it's all clever it's just not practical you got to find a way to make it actually work. Yeah, the logic isn't all there. Hey man, this is what bits look our batting average is not horrible it's just. What about this?

Yeah, hit me. Okay, I might have cracked it. Black people should copyright the n-word. Copyright it, now every time they say it you get royalties. Fuck what's that word uh reparations get royalties because if they copyright it like trump copyrighted uh you're fired didn't he i think he did or he tried to so now when you say you got to pay him black people should copyright the n-word so if you say the n-word then the guy says you're fired both of them have to pay up yeah yeah but like you know

we play music on here and they're like whoa whoa don't play music you got to pay the royalties what if that was like that with the n-word i know it's it's a no i i are fed it's something here though i i hear you it's just it's fucking. Look, we're showing the ugliness of this process. I know. It's kind of cool. Yeah, I guess so. Let me run one on you. Please.

So I was remembering, like, I used to be a kid. This is how I'm trying to do this, but I used to be like. Same here. I used to be a kid. We all did. And when I was, like, in seventh grade, I was lactose intolerant. Oh, really? Yeah.

But, you know, when you're told that, you're like, fuck that like fuck that shit i'll rebel so i just eat pizza like every meal and uh you know big mac stuff like that and you're like uh oh you just you're just like fuck it i'm gonna i'm gonna fight back and then i remember one day you know we'd go see movies in times square we'd like double up you get one ticket you just see movies all day yeah and i was in a times square bathroom just like shitting my brains out just like horrible and uh like liquid out of me and through the crack i hear a black boy black uh boy and his father go uh the dad goes that boy has got this shits and they started laughing and they like high-fived i was like it's so weird that like a low point in your life is like a bonding moment oh yeah another person i think that's where like the angle was maybe sure where you're like that's probably like a bonding moment for another person. I think that's where like the angle was maybe.

Sure. Where you're like, that's probably like, you know, like for me, I was like, man, I gotta like, I gotta like turn my life around. Yeah. So for them, they were like, that was the closest I ever felt to my father. You know what I mean? I don't know. It's like a funny observation.

That is funny. But it's so true. Like Charlie Sheen, that whole thing where he was melting down, the whole country was like, whoa, this is amazing. Yeah. Yeah, and it brings people together, ironically, when someone else is. Other people's misery brings you together. We watch Intervention as a family.

You know, like this is the saddest point in this guy's life. Isn't that weird? Yeah. A guy gets, you know, like a football thrown is nuts. You send it to your friend on Instagram like, dude, look at this. Yeah. You're bonding. Maybe the angle could be, because that's good.

Maybe the angle could be like, that's what people should do to bring other people together. Forget like Make-A-Wish and all this. I've got to, you got to fuck your life up just to help other people. Like fuck Superman. I get the shits. I'm bringing people together. I don't know. Somehow you can manufacture horrible things just to help bringing people together I don't know somehow you can manufacture horrible things just to help

someone else I don't know yeah for like it's like city harvest or something like for a benefit yeah I feel like yeah some see this guy I feel like I don't know that's what the internet

has become that's the what the internet's become. That's the problem. I know. The internet has become like, watch me eat this fucking, you get a free burrito if you can eat this eight pound burrito in 10 minutes.

Yeah. You just watch a guy do horrible shit to his body and you're like, that's like entertainment now. Yeah. And you kind of love the guy for some reason. You like look at this guy he's putting himself through misery for our entertainment well i think that's why america's funniest home videos was a hit because people were like sure i got kicked in the nuts by a shetland pony but i made 10 grand and now i'm

famous did they get 10 grand for a video if you won well if you won the the number one prize man it sucks to not win i know but you were on tv that was something back in the 90s you go home you go to school you're like i was on america's funny i kicked my dad in the balls i don't know man but at least it was a win i stink i got nothing i feel like my new shit is like either hitting or it's just garbage like this right yeah same we'll figure it out we'll figure it, and I've been getting some nice messages, like, hey, have you thought about this angle? Have you tried that?

Yeah. Some people are really on it. I got a rec. Please. It's a book. It's a short book. The Friends of Eddie Coyle. It's supposed to be a great movie, too.

I want to, yeah, Robert Mitchum's in the movie. Oh, wow. I haven't seen it. I'm going to watch it. It's fucking awesome. It's like 200 pages. It's like easy read. Yeah. It's like a cool-ass like 200 pages. It's like easy read.

Yeah. It's like a cool ass old school like Boston noir. Oh, really? Yeah, it's really cool. Okay. Good writing. Boy, you do a lot of reading. I was in a bookstore in Springfield, Missouri, and they just like I pulled over the back and Ross McDonald was one of the quotes being like, this is an awesome book.

And I was like, all right, I like his shit. So I was like this is an awesome book and i was like all right i like his shit so i was like i'll check it out i like noir i just like the language and stuff and i like like seeing plots unfold yeah i like that too but you know what i don't like about books is i don't like people seeing what i'm reading like are you on the train with that thing then you get some guy going hey eddie coyle read that last year i used to read a confederacy of dunces on the train yeah and i got a million people like, oh, great book. And I was like, let me read the fucking thing. It's nice, but it was like interrupting me.

I was on the flight, so I don't care. I just, I kind of like the feel of a book more than a Kindle. I stopped using the Kindle. I agree. Kindles are awesome, but I just, I hate having another thing to charge. Yeah, good point. Between the phone and the computer. And I actually like i have

one of those they're so stupid i said i hate having other things to charge but i use regular books and i i have one of those neck light things because sometimes flights get dark true true but uh neck light wow nerd alert they're like 20 bucks they're great really yeah they're fucking awesome that's a wreck get a neck because now you sleep next to someone, they might be sleeping. True. And that way you can still read. I'm going to get one of those when I eat my wife out. Yeah, that's the one I have.

They're like 20 bucks. They're great. Oh, wow. That one looks a little too cheap. Look at that. Okay. Yeah, the Kindle is like a sex robot. You want the real thing.

You want the book. You know? That's good. And then you're like, I don't want another thing to charge. That's funny. You should try it. There's something there. Take it. That's you. I don't use a Kindle, so. But that's good. And then you're like, I don't want another thing to charge. That's funny. You should try it. There's something there. Take it.

That's you. I don't use a Kindle. So that's you. Any wrecks? Let's see. I saw a movie. Oh, Anatomy of a Fall. Yeah, I love that.

Very good. That was killer. I watched it. Very good. Heavy duty. Good dialogue, too. Great dialogue. Did we talk about this already, Matt? You might have brought it up, and then I watched it. Very good. Heavy duty. Good dialogue, too. Great dialogue. Did we talk about this already, Matt?

You might have brought it up, and then I watched it. I got in a fight with Ronan, because I thought the snow movie with the rugby team that lands in the snow on Netflix, I think it's Argentinian or something. Yeah. You liked it? I didn't like it that much. Oh, and he did? And he's a cunt.

Ronan hates everything. And he was like, I thought it was great. I was like, really? I thought the dialogue was weak. I did watch it dubbed. So that might have been my problem. Oh. Yeah, he's a hater.

Oh, yeah. I feel like he only really likes movies for the most part if it's just misery. Yes, yes. If it's just painful and brutal, then he likes it. Totally. Look at that. Fucking killer score yeah oh man it was uh it was a good script i thought i liked the uh anatomy of fall yeah totally wrecked that one that was cool yeah deaf kid it has a lot of great twists and turns and it's really well that dog is beautiful yes what a cool i was like man everyone's

a good actor even that fucking dog snoop that was an awesome uh yeah and the main woman was so man it's kind of like i guess a loaded year for best actors and stuff because i saw she was nominated and i was like oh she's going against all these other yeah but hey i feel like movies and shit is picking up like they're they're really we had a scorsese michael did you watch watch Ferrari? No, I got to see it. I got to see it, too. You know, it's a Michael Mann with Adam Driver. And the story is incredible.

I love him. But I haven't heard anyone talking about it. I think it's out. It's out. Yeah. No one's mentioned it. I mean, Michael Mann is just such a fucking beast. Killer.

I just love Michael. I mean, I'm wearing a fucking Michael Mann shirt right now, dude. Oh, I didn't even put that. Thief. Thief. Look at that James Caan. All right. Yeah.

No one has brought this up so i can't imagine it what's the the rotten to me i feel like it's got to be good though it's it's michael man i'm gonna watch it all right all right 72 i'll take a 72 74 all right yeah it's worth seeing that's a c plus i bet it's cool though the story's really good just the real story i don't know anything about it oh cool cool this guy uh it was lamborghini and ferrari they hated each other and they were one was a tractor company and then they were like i bet i could make a better car and he was like fuck you so he made a car and then they would race them it's it's fun damn italians can't go wrong with italians is he

is this the second time he's played an italian in a row didn't he just do how he did house of gucci he did do house of guc He did do House of Gucci. I heard that was good. House of Gucci? I heard it was good. Really? Yeah. Look at that. That's pretty good. Not bad. I mean... He definitely looks better as Adam Driver. Not ugly enough, yeah. He looks like

Tilda Swinton on the left. But... There you go, yeah. Hey, Patrick Demp, he's an actual race car driver in real life. Really? Yeah, yeah. Him. That's pretty cool.

Corolla, a couple other guys, actually. Yeah, Corolla. Paul Newman. He's such a manly dude. He always talks about that shit. I know. Race cars. I asked him why he does it.

He goes, you know why? Because when you're on that track, you can't think of anything else. I was like, all right, i can get that with booze yeah try drinking yourself stupid yeah that works that'll work but no i get it the rush i mean i understand like there's something it's hard in this day and age to like actually be present so i do get that true true and you heard it from, a guy who can't drive a regular car. You ever see Rush? What's that? That's a Ron Howard movie about this car.

Is that Hemsworth? Yes. Yeah, I saw that. It looked good. It's good. It's a true story as well. Nicky Lauda burns himself up in a car. I don't want to give it away, but it's really good.

Oh, you know what's a good one? Do you ever see the documentary Senna? Yes, great movie. That was really cool great doc yeah that was awesome that guy was a hunk too i don't know shit about formula one but that is like the rage now man huge crazy i feel dumb for not because people love it i tried i really tried to watch it i was kind of bored i'm bored it's i think you got to get into like the i think any sport is like you can get into once you like learn it and know the rivalries and the personalities and the politics and all that stuff.

But I'm just so into the basics. I'm just so into basketball. I like football. I like baseball. Yeah. I like hockey. I'm kind of good. I don't need to keep – I mean, I need to do other shit.

Well, the problem with this is it's so subtle, which sounds weird because they fucking crash and go a million miles an hour but it's just like not enough it's basketball there's so much technique and fundamentals and all these things happening this is just like well there's technique in this too but it's just not as exciting exactly to the spectator because of them i mean like the angles that they have to keep hitting of course but like i'm watching hoops and there's like, it's more variety. Yes. Like you're seeing like an alley-oop, you're seeing a three-pointer, you're seeing a, you know, an incredible defensive play.

It's broken up more. Yeah. As opposed to the way this is to me. But like I also have talked to people who love this, whose opinions I do trust. So. Yeah. You know. It's a little reality TV for me that that that formula

one show it's like a bunch of hot guys competing it's like euro it feels like in the way euro i love tennis but it does have that tennis vibe we're all wearing like a sick watch they're all fucking like slick hair kind of too hot right right exactly and they're cocky as shit and it's cool and then they fucking crash like that, which is crazy. That is the crazy. I mean, that makes it extra tragic. You're like, his fucking hair. There's no more.

I know. I mean, you get why women like these guys, because they're real daredevils. Exactly. Tennessee and a daredevil. They're hot and they're kind of reckless. And if they're dry or something in the interview, that's just an added bonus. Totally, totally. This guy who wins the interview, that's just like an added bonus. Totally. Totally.

This guy who wins them all. What's his name? The guy who wins every fucking race for, uh, is it Red Bull? He wins every race. You know what I'm talking about? The left's pretty hot.

What's his name? He's like a robot. Oh, really? What's his name? He's the best for, he's just the number one guy. Number one,

formula one. I mean, it's killing me that I can't remember his fucking name. Daniel. No, not Ricardo. He's supposed to be cool though. He's the funny one of the funny ones okay but wait what's the number one guy are you searching best formula one people are calling us stupid now they're yelling at the screen because i know it's like lewis hamilton forever but now it's another guy hamilton schumacher no who is it uh it says hamilton. No, who is it? It says Hamilton's number one. Yeah, but that's probably old.

Oh, okay. Schumacher. No. Verstappen. Verstappen. That's the guy. He's like the stud. Oh, okay.

He wins so much that it's boring. It's almost like everyone's like, I guess we're competing for second place. Oh. But these guys all live. Verstappen. Verstappen. Where do they live? Switzerland or something? Where's the hub?

I got... We should stop talking about this. We're just asking questions. Because we're fucking idiots. But look, I would love to learn more about it. Yeah, sure, sure. Just because why not?

It's just a new thing. I also think, and this is going to sound cunty, but I think when there's a machine involved in a sport, it's less cool. I like fighting or boxing. It's just like bare bones. a sport, it's less cool. Like, I like fighting or boxing. It's just like bare bones.

Basketball, it's like ball and hoop. It's very simple. This has a fucking car in it. Exactly, and some of the companies are better. Yes! So, like, Red Bull and Mercedes make you a better car. So, it's like you're at a disadvantage if you don't get one of the good companies. That takes away from the sport a lot.

For sure. So, yeah. I agree with that. Yeah, you want the basics, like track. Yeah. Tennis is a racket and a ball and a net. That's it. Tennis, I dig tennis.

I love tennis. I would like, I've never been to one. We should go to one sometime. I would love to go to the Open. That'd be cool. List goes every year. I know. Maybe we'll go with him.

Yeah, sure. Maybe the fucking agents will hook us up with some tickets. Ooh, yeah. Yeah, tennis is awesome i watch that on the plane a lot because it's that little screen and i can see it all yeah hockey i can't watch live it's pretty fucking great live's great but on screen i went with little gary recently we had a ball and he played hockey and he's pretty good yeah he's a little ball of energy that kid he's a little hockey puck.

Should we wrap this bad boy up? I guess so, yeah. And plus, the ladies aren't hard on the eyes. I'm hard on them. I'm going to be hard on them. All right, where are we going to be here? Woo, Doug, a lot of editing on this one, Peter. Beacon, baby. Mark Norman at the Beacon.

Yeah, it's coming up whenever this comes out. It'll be soon. Beacon, New York City. Hopefully it's sold out by now. Lexington, Charlotte, San Antonio, Houston, Boise, Salt Lake, Atlanta, Raleigh. I'm doing Charleston, Austin, Tucson, Phoenix, Charlottesville, El Paso, Albuquerque, Memphis, Little Rock, Knoxville, Chattanooga, Syracuse, Buffalo, Minneapolis, Madison, Evansville, and L.A. for the Netflix Fest. What do you got, Fetty? I got Dania Beach.

I got Omaha. I got, fuck, OKC. Is that next? Yes. Irvine. Nice. We got Dallas before that as well. Love it.

OKC, Irvine, Salt Lake City, then the special at the WilburSamuel.com slash shows. I think it's, you know, look at OKC and stuff like that because the others are looking all right. It's amazing that, like, I just talked to Godfrey, and he's like, oh, it's just in Dania Beach. And it's amazing there's enough people in Dania Beach that are like, we'll go to Godfrey, we'll go to you. Fort Lauderdale. Yeah, I guess. Is that millions? Billions. Millions of people? enough people in dania beach that are like we'll go to godfrey we'll go to you lauderdale yeah i guess that's a is that millions billions millions of people oh uh yeah there's people there okay i just worry i'm like florida's got cities that's true oh well that's not a lot of people but yeah

i guess you get people from all over yeah it's a big club too at 375 i know i know it's a big room hopefully hopefully we sell some chicken decent food there too yeah a club is great great club one of the top florida clubs i'd say yeah all right folks get some bodega cat it's on the uh the interwebs buy a bottle make a paper plane make a sidecar make a boulevardier and follow bodega cat whiskey on ig let's get those numbers up because Mark and I are trying to get some distribution, and we're working very hard on this. Not like that hard, but we're trying. Here, here.

You got that right. Yeah, we're pushing. I'm connecting with people, then it falls through, and then I connect with another guy, and that falls through, and it's a tough sledding. Yeah. So we'll see you guys. Thanks for listening.

Tell a friend. Queef So we'll see you guys. Thanks for listening. Tell a friend. Queef it up. Thanks, guys. Thanks, guys.