We Might Be Drunk - Ep 166: Are You Garbage at Dating?

Episode Date: February 12, 2024

Are You Garbage at Dating? We are too, but Dating By Blaine is here to help and we have the Are You Garbage boys to add their flavor as well.  Big thanks to Blaine for joining us, check her out at:  https://www.datingbyblaine.com/ Tell her you found her from We Might Be Drunk! Are You Garbage is on tour! Go grab a ticket to see the boys, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley on the road near you: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Mark Normand: https://marknormandcomedy.com/#schedule!loading Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod Bodega Cat: http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters/   If you want to start a podcast contact [e-mail] for a discount on services when referred by WMBD! Support the show and get 20% off and free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com with the code DRUNK

Welcome to We Might Be Drunk. Hey, hey. Special Valentine's Day edition. Look at that. Matt Peters, you did it again. Very romantic. He won't even have sex with his wife, but he'll doll this place up like you wouldn't believe. This is beautiful.

My girl's going to watch this, and she's going to be like, you didn't do this shit for me. I know. Well, I got to get you a threesome at my house yeah uh you pegged me i'll fuck her it'll be a whole thing uh we got a great guest here a relationship expert blaine anderson thanks for joining us also later we have two other potential love experts that we have that's true we'll see but uh thanks for coming thank you for me. I'm excited to be here with the romantic setup. It's really good. Do you want a box of wine? I mean, why not, right?

All right. I've got a good box. Boy, that's heavy. I forgot. I used to do this for my mom when I was a kid. She drank Franzia? She drank Franzia in that big glass jug. What was that jug?

It was some Italian name. Pull up the jug. You know the jug. It was some Italian name. Pull up the jug. You know the jug. It had the little handle. I don't know. Carlos something. This stuff used to give me the worst hangovers. Oh, it's bad.

Oh, you don't need to open that for me. I'm actually fine with the Mark stuff. Well, I'm going to open it anyway. Okay. If you're going to open it. Carlo Rossi. That was it. I remember this shit.

That caused a lot of crying. But when you were a kid, or in college at least, not when I was a kid. We'll get some for Charlie. But you do the sangria. You know, you have a friend make the sangria with the franzia. Holy shit, the next day. Or the slap the bag. Did you ever slap the bag?

What's that? You don't know about slap the bag? We don't believe in domestic abuse. Take that bag out of the box. And you have a bag inside of a box while you're chugging it or someone's drinking it. Oh, wow. Someone slaps the bag and gets it flowing faster. Man, you are a relationship expert. Okay.

How does one become a relationship expert? University of A&L. I'm a dating coach. A dating coach. Sorry, I missed. Maybe someone of a dating, a relationship expert, but I'm a dating coach specifically for men okay yeah so you're like hitch yeah yeah yes they call me yeah or bitch for two of us what do you do for gays so you help yeah do you help gay men as well or just i focus on men who are interested in dating women. Because you know women because you're a woman. Yeah, so it's easier that way.

Yeah. Where are you at on fuckboys? What do you think? Those are not really my clients. The fuckboys, they can do your thing, enjoy yourself. My clients are more anxious, attached, looking for a relationship, want to figure out what they're maybe doing wrong that's leading them to not have success with women,

how to better market themselves, how to build confidence. Right. And attract awesome girls. Don't you get confidence, though, from getting laid? That can help. So sometimes you have to start a little lower on maybe where you want to end up. Bang a six and then maybe. Yeah, and work your way up to a ten. There's some strategy to that.

Are we talking ages? Yeah. Six. No, sorry. You're a six-year-old, right? I was thinking the level, you know. Oh, okay. All right.

Hot scale. Yeah. Attractiveness scale. Well, don't you find that the dating landscape is a little fucked up right now? Or am I crazy? Is that just my algorithm? All I see is like, men aren't finding women anymore, and women are off on OnlyFans, and they can't get along, and this and that.

No, I think the landscape has changed. And that's partially why I have a job is because it's tough out there. Totally. It's like the online presence, the social media, the dating apps. It's not intuitive. How would you know how to create a little profile that markets yourself to a woman who you don't know and don't understand, which is really where I come in. And I'm like, okay, these pictures, this is what you're going to say about yourself based

on who you are to attract the right type of woman that's cool you're definitely I mean you're helping probably some incels too right I mean you might be stopping a mall shooting that's true I would love to take credit for that um I get a lot of incel comments on my social media that are just like women are the worst like that's matt that's been lovely to communicate with i don't believe that for a second all right that's scary though they're not really like who i'm at least reaching out to try and help right right have you ever has it ever started you know contentious like that and then you're like i could help you oh that's a good question i i don't know like no

one know i've worked with one-on-one because if someone's like that i'm like i don't think i can help you or at least like we aren't meant to work together like i want someone who's like hey i think you can help me make change like i'm excited about this i know i can do better i like like women not right i hate women and i want to what's it like give me an example of a guy who comes to you who's like a mess. How do you start? Well, a mess would be too strong. I wouldn't say most of my clients are actually messes.

They're really great guys. Oftentimes, I have a couple different profiles of men I work with. One is the engineer who may or may not be an engineer. Or Asian. Often is an Asian. Works in a technical field. Spends a lot of time behind a computer doesn't interact with that many women but actually usually has a lot going for him in his personal and

professional life and just wants his dating life to be at that same level and it's usually just making a few small tweaks and you know kind of polishing the edges and then he gets a great result i get wedding announcements i've had baby announcements. Wow. Hey, well done. I request that the child's middle name is Blaine if they do work, if it works out. Sure. But I haven't had any takers on that yet. Well, Blaine could go either way. Yeah, exactly.

It doesn't matter the sex. So you get man, woman, trans. That's a threefer. Yeah, there you go. But hey, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I don't want to sound mean, but 20 years ago, this job might not have been as popular no but now i think we need it well and it'd be harder to find customers because you can only you're really 20 years ago only who you had access to and i find all my clients on instagram oh wow i'm putting out content

that's giving tips the algorithm is amazing yeah puts me in front of single guys guys will be like yeah i broke up with my girlfriend and the next day you know you were on my explore page i'm like thank you instagram beautiful is is there ever a guy who you're like you can feel like his intentions are impure and and he's like he just wants to fuck a lot or are you okay with that if a guy's like i need to get my confidence up i gotta get my numbers up. I don't inherently have a problem with that as long as you're not tricking anyone into anything. No chloroform.

Yeah, no chloroform. That's my number one rule. My dating rule. But otherwise, you just want to have fun and you want to have hookups. That's cool too. Sure.

I agree. I agree too. You get that out of your system and then find your partner later or not. Especially if you've been struggling. Maybe you'll be better in an actual relationship

if you get that out of your system. Yeah, learn a little in the bedroom first. Right? Yes. Find this clit? Yes. This supposed clit? Where is this?

That's a myth. Well, there's a weird double standard where, you know, women act slutty. They get called sluts. They're made fun of and that sucks. I say slut it up, ladies.

Go nuts. You did a great bit about that back in the day. Thank you. Mark it like a three-minute bit defending sluts before it was cool. Yeah. Defending sluts. The one thing that I get a lot of shit about in the equality stance is who pays on a first date. Oh, yeah.

I always pay. They get angry in the comments. I've never not paid. Yes, you always pay. It's just what you do. It's just evolution. Yeah. It makes sense. But actually, like- Yeah, no, I always pay. It's just what you do. It's just evolution. Yeah. It makes sense.

But actually, like, in all species, like, the man is the pursuer pretty much. Sure. There are reasons for that. And if you want to give yourself the best odds, I get that all the time. Like, well, it's not fair. What if she asked me out? Like, I'm not here giving advice on what's fair. I'm just, like, telling you how to play the game a bit better so you can get better results.

Right. If you want better results, for dates yeah i agree i always pay but one time a girl recommended an orthodox jewish restaurant the bill was 375 dollars uh because yeah because a rabbi has to bless this uh lamb i guess so really it's upcharged an extra couple hundred so it's not even because the food is better? It was pretty good food, honestly. Just less? But she saw the bill because I angled it to show her. Very Jewish. Yeah, I was like, you should know. It's a Jewish restaurant.

You should know. The bill should be this big. Just so everybody can see it. Oh my God, look at this. Yeah. Yeah, that is a... Just pay. Yeah, guys, you just should pay. Also, it just shows that you can pay. Yeah. Yeah, that is a... Just pay. Yeah, guys, you just should pay.

Also, it just shows that you can pay. Yeah. If you're cutting corners on date one, you know. Totally. And also, I was on the Bumble for a while, which was, you know, the Bumble. Because the lady has to initiate. And boy, I got to say, though, the female pickup line is tough. Not saying all men are Rico Suave,

but some of these ladies would be like, how's your Tuesday? I'm like, come on, that's what you got? If you just said, hey, I'll blow you, we'd be at this Jewish restaurant in an hour. It's a better pickup line. It is better. It's better than just high.

That's what guys can put out. Oh, the high. She just says high. Well, she's just opening it, so now you have to do the work. Exactly. Turn it around and have the clever opener hi. Well, she's just opening it. So now you have to do the work. Exactly. Turn it around and have the clever opener. For guys, what's a good pickup line?

Good question. Well, it's like an opener on a dating app. Yeah. I would say look at her profile and try and pick something that's unique to her profile because that's going to be more interesting. Everyone's, how was your weekend? How's your day going? Right, right.

It's so boring. Can you look for something in her profile that other people aren't going to notice? Good call. Like, does she have, like, is the dog doing something weird in the background? Or, like, is she at a place that you know of? Like, just comment on it or ask about that. I think a lot of those guys are messaging so many women. Yeah.

That they're just writing, like, kind of a generic thing to all of them. Totally. And they're like, let's see. It's like you're throwing bait out there. Yeah. Casting a wide net. Yeah. It's a slot machine.

But if you see a real winner on there, you're right. I think you need an original. You absolutely do. You look at the profile, you make a joke out of one of her prompts or something, right? Right. I always start with, what do you think of Palestine? Yeah. Just get something light in there.

I think God's on a first date is important. Agreed. You got to talk about it. Figure out who's on what side. Yeah. A lot of politics and religion on every date. Perfect. Go right in with that.

Let me throw this idea at you. You're an expert. Dating app, to me, the flaw of it is you can make your own profile and put the photo of your choice. But I don't care what you think about you. I want to know what other people think about you. It should be more like Yelp. Right? It's a great idea.

It's an idea you know i got another add-on to that you can do a lot of great with you know with your pictures but nothing for your voice oh i don't know what your voice you can you can do voice i guess i haven't been on one in a while but but i i would you know you'd meet this gorgeous woman then you'd show up and you'd be like what the fuck was that that? That voice? That was crazy. I've had that the other way. Somebody wants this thing. I feel like voices are important. Well, just vibe is important too, right?

You meet someone at a bar. I'll see a picture of someone and not think she's hot and then see her at a bar and be like, oh my God, she's gorgeous. I mean, something about it, just like the whole package is important. Agreed. That's why dating apps are tough. I'm much more of a,

they're necessary evil. Like when I work with a man, I'm like, okay, yeah, we're going to like get you a good dating app. Which is the best one? To use? For men. It just, it really depends where you live. Oh. Yeah.

You live in Atlanta, right? Austin. Austin. Yeah. Which is the best one in Austin? Bumble and Hinge are both pretty good. Hinge is big. I think Bumble is, because it's founded there there or based there, they have more users there.

But then I've heard in other cities, you kind of have to experiment and see what the people in your area. But if you live in, I don't know, Daytona, you probably have to use Tinder or something. Yeah, yeah, they're behind. Yeah. What if you live in Wuhan? Sorry, sorry. I remember logging on in Buffalo and I was like, why does every chick look like Artie Lang here? This is crazy.

Well, they're named after where they live. But yeah, that's true. I think some of the cities, like they haven't caught up to, I guess it would seem like the hipper ones. You're in Austin, but. So that's the move. What about if a guy wants to meet someone in person?

That's tough these days. Is it though? Why do you say it's tough? Well, you got to jump through over some landmines. I've heard, I'm 40, so I'm an old que queef but i've heard some young ladies talking in my dungeon and they'll say like uh this guy walked up to me at a bar it was so weird and aggressive and you're like well what was he supposed to do well he's being weird and aggressive i think like that's the problem but i actually so i just launched a new course shameless shameless plug. It's called Approach Academy and it's literally teaching guys how to approach women.

Okay. I conducted a survey of 13,000 American women, actually UK and US, and 98% of them said they wished they were approached more. Oh, wow. But they're picturing a certain guy. They're not picturing him. You know, I'm just saying. Well, you say they wish they were approached more what about snuck up on how do they feel about that see that's the difference they don't less sneaking up

more appropriate approaching sure in daylight like not dark alleys not empty parking lot okay i'm at a loss here yeah i don't know those are those were your go-to i'm confused um yeah that makes sense bars bars i mean mark we said I mean, Mark, we... You had never... Mark is being modest. He never had a problem getting laid. I remember seeing Mark in the wild, and he's... What was your pickup line? I had a few, but...

This was a good one, I thought. I would go up to you, and I'd go, hey, white pants, bad for spotting. No, I'm joking. That's pretty good. That's good. I would say... We got another one. Oh, man, if I wasn't gay...

That would always get a laugh. And then they'd go, oh, too bad. I'd go, actually, wasn't gay. That would always get a laugh. And then they'd go, oh, too bad. I'd go, actually, I'm not. Let me buy you a drink. Something like that. That one's kind of cute. All right. It would always work.

All you need is just to get the couple senses in there. Here come our other dating experts. Oh, speak of these dating experts. Look at these guys. Looking good. Come on in. They look like dating experts. This is Blaine.

Hi. Happy Valentine's. The Are. Come on in. They look like dating experts. This is Blaine. Hi. Happy Valentine's. The Are You Garbage Boys. Yeah. Can you go around Blaine there? What's up, buddy? Happy Valentine's. Thanks, man.

We got you some boxed wine, some shitty champagne. So this is Blaine. This is Kevin and Foley from the are you garbage podcast yeah okay thank you she's plugging her dating site and he's plugging ozempic thanks buddy you're down a lot you're looking good I'm down yeah I'm down still disgusting but down slightly disgusting so she's teaching how to approach a lady at a bar. Just because it's a lot of navigating. Tough sledding these days.

That's what's happening right now, is it? Yeah, right? I don't have to hit on Foley. Hi, I'm Kevin. Hello, role play. Do you want to go back to my house? How did you guys... You're in a relationship.

I'm married. You're married. Are you married? Just got engaged, dude. Whoa! Congrats. Who're married. Yeah. Are you married? Just got engaged, dude. Whoa! Congrats. Who is he? Sorry.

I have to do that. Name's Ronnie. Yeah. It's a fireman. Well, how'd you meet her? We met at a comedy club here in New York. Face to face. Face to face.

Old fashioned way. We love that. The old fashioned way. We were friends for a little while. Got hammered at a party. Hooked up. That was it. Hey, mazel tov.

Thank you. How about you? How did you meet yours? Same thing, comedy club. She was really nice. You're dealing with people. We have access. It's late at night.

There's drinking. We're all drunk. Yeah, there is a built-in advantage. Some advantages there. Sure, for sure. Yeah, I met her at the old stand. His has a little story to it. It actually is romantic. Yeah, I met her. She was in in town she's from germany and she was in town for a weekend

she had like a layover from costa rica before she went back to germany so she was here for the weekend went to the stand i made a move shot me down i wasn't on the show i had just moved to new york so you're like hanging out you know what i mean like at the end of the night we're just hanging there and she's like we start talking whatever like real kind of passively and then she uh asked for more bread she's like are you on the show and i was like nah she's like are you a comedian and i'm like yeah you know that's like the only card you got and i'm like yeah she's like are you on the show and i wasn't working the club i'm like nah not tonight you know just so she started it she started that's huge and then uh i was like nah not tonight not tonight. And she's like, why? You're not funny enough?

And I was like, well, there's a lot of politics involved. You got to hang out a bunch. You got to show face. And I was like, start busting my balls, lady. Yeah. And then, yeah, so then I ended up, someone was running a five-minute set for the Tonight Show. I think Monroe, when Monroe did the Tonight Show, didn't show up because he was caught

somewhere else. So they were like, oh, we have five minutes. Who wants to fill it? And Donnelly's like, put up, Kevin, because Don because he was caught somewhere else. So they were like, oh, we have five minutes. Who wants to fill it? And Donnelly's like, put up Kevin. Because Donnelly was a drinking buddy. And she had gone down just to watch the show. She had gone down in the show. So I wasn't on the show.

We already were hitting it off. I wasn't on the show. Then I came down, did okay. Good enough to get married, I guess. That would suck if you went on and you're like, oh, fuck. Just have a panic attack. Just start shitting your pants. You're going to go from upstairs.

But this is how hard it is to meet a woman. All these things had to fall into line. Monroe had a panic attack. Just start shitting your pants. You're the girl from upstairs. But this is how hard it is to meet a woman. All these things had to fall into line. All that shit had to happen. Monroe had to be late. Exactly. Donnelly had to be a booze bag. Right. Monroe being late isn't the most crazy thing that happened.

Because back in my single days, I would literally go up to girls at a bar, and just the opening is so hard, because it's a big wall you got to get over. And I would go, uh-oh, and I would drop my phone with me and Conan on the front. Real subtle. Yeah, because it's so much work to get to that. My move was I would be on the phone, and I would just loudly fake on the phone, loudly talking like, that's not enough money for the children's hospital. Yeah, we need more.

Two or three more. And I'd be like, sorry, I'm trying to raise money here. Hey, Sam, nice to meet you. That's good. It did pretty well. It did all right. You guys are good-looking guys, though here. Hey, Sam, nice to meet you. That's good. It did pretty well. It did all right. You guys are good-looking guys, though. You're in shape, good-looking guys.

Yeah, we're fighting up until then. Yeah, but you're all funny. That's huge for getting girls. I bet you all have hot wives and girlfriends because you're funny. That's what hot girls say. Get at it. They always say that. They say that.

I swam way out of my weight class. I was also probably 45 pounds lighter at the time. Yeah. I got her when I swam way out of my weight class. I was also probably 45 pounds lighter at the time. Yeah. I got her when I had like two years of looking okay, and then I married her and blew up. Yeah. Because you can't just go up and go, hey, I'm funny as hell. You have to say something normal, then say something funny.

For sure, I've tried that though. I've tried it all. You've tried everything. I hit her with a seltzer. What worked on you? So I met my husband at a workout class, and he literally just walked up to me and was like hey i've seen you here before so i wanted to introduce myself and i was like oh do you work here and he's like no we've been taking class together for months okay oh okay like nice to meet you and then he's like he walked away after that and i was like that was kind of weird okay but then But then I was seeing him. Yeah, he planted the seed. And then over multiple interactions, now I had seen him.

Now I recognized him. We chatted. And then he asked me out after we talked like four or five times. He's a good looking guy, I would assume. He's at a workout class. That's what I said. He would have paced me. Yeah, exactly.

I would have got hit with a bear spray. If he walked into Barry's, he'd be like, why are you here? What the hell? Yeah, he was doing the classes, not just hanging out at the smoothie bar. Is there a vending machine in here? He's trying to get a Twix. Did you, at that time, when he came up and said, hi, I'm Steve or whatever, did you think, like, oh, is this guy hitting on me? No, he wasn't hitting on me.

He was just, like, saying hello. But for a guy. Yes, he was. Well, okay, he was. But he wasn't. He didn't make the move at that time. That's a move. Yeah, that is a move.

That's the move I teach. If a girl walked up and said, hi, I'm Sally, I'd be like, this girl wants to fuck me. Like, for sure she's hitting on me. Like, that doesn't happen. Hi, I'm Megan.

Oh, yeah. Will you marry me? I met Matt's son. I was like, this kid wants to fuck me, dude. This is weird. There's a kid here. This is crazy. He's got the headphones on. was a kid here. Yeah. This is crazy.

He's got the headphones on. He's all right. Yeah. Noise canceling. All right. So he walked up. But see, that's the other thing is like, I think a lot of guys at a bar are trying to get laid that night.

So that's the other factor. It's like, this guy did four attempts. Yeah, it's a longer game. He's going for a single. You're going for a home run if you're at the bar. Yeah. Good point. Yeah.

If you're going for a single, you're going for a home run if you're at the bar. Yes. Good point. Yeah. And so when I'm – like the clients I work with and the guys I teach, most of them are – bars aren't really their place. Like they don't excel in the bar. They're not extroverts. Oftentimes, no.

Right. Because you do kind of have to be funny at the bar or you have to have something or you have to get her drunk enough or like something has to happen. Jesus Christ. It's 2024, lady. Trying to jam me up. She's good so what i i say you figure out a hobby like whether it's comedy you know if you want to be funny or you want to hobby okay anything it literally no hobby's good hobby's good hobbies where girls frequent are better okay could be working out cross out dodgeball

yeah dodgeball zog sports yeah that's good. Yeah. Dodgeball, Zog Sports. Yeah, that's good, right? It's actually a good one, yeah. What's another good one? Because you want the ratio in your favor, right? Yeah. What's the one that's not? Like yoga would be good.

Are you creeped out if a guy's in yoga? Because that would, in my opinion. There's lots of guys in yoga. Oh, yeah. They're hotter than us. I thought there was going to be dudes approaching them at the gym. So that's why my husband's move, it's the longer game. Right.

You have to go over, you have to talk to her once, see her again. I'm not allowed to play in a fitness anymore. I know that. This is good stuff. Yeah, it's alright. I'm learning a lot. So you're like a hitch. Yeah. We did that joke. No kidding. Everyone has done that joke on me.

It's everyone's first comment. I apologize for my half friends over here. Sorry, I'm a snitch. But, okay. So what's another type of guy that you're like, what was the hardest case you've ever seen? Ooh, good question. This is going to be tough for me.

Okay, so I was mentioning I work with a lot of engineers or guys who fall into that category. Inevitably, a lot of Asian guys and Indian guys who usually live in the United States or in the UK. I've worked with guys all over the world. They really want to date white girls. Which is fine.

That's your preference if that's what you want. Why do you think that is? The exoticness? From where they... I guess so, but black is exotic too they want white girls i hear it all the time i don't know i don't know i'm like could we at least be open to like also your race yes i think we should and the problem isn't that what i've seen it's not that white and they say great if you push them into staying with their race you're

like let's keep it together i don't mix i don't like mixing. I'm all for the mixing. And a lot of them are saying, white girls don't like us. You know, like, we have brown skin. And it's really not that. But people want someone who feels similar to them. And from what I've seen, birds of a feather flock together is much more true than opposites attract when it comes to dating. So if your name is Deekshit and you're from India, dating Annabella from Connecticut poses some challenges.

That is some baggage. Yeah, that is some serious baggage. Yeah, there's a lot of cultures to learn about. And that's what the problem is. It's more like if she's seeing you on a dating app and she can't pronounce your name

and you look really different, then she's making a snap second decision of like, I have nothing in common with this guy like right next next next and so that's you know that can be challenging and that's where in person if you're able to connect with her you're gonna have more of a shot but you're really different culturally like what do you really have in common to be dating off the jump yeah yeah and how often do you stay with the client until they until they get a girlfriend no it's like a set package and then they're on their own after that unless they want to

reach it would still be a client probably hey birchick get over here for a second poor deke shit he's listening now he's like this used to be my favorite podcast yeah we have a lot of autistic listeners but did was was deke should help did you help him um he actually purchased one of my courses he wasn't a one-on-one client so i didn't track his progress progress is as closely i saw his name come through then i was like how closely do you track progress so it depends if you're a one-on-one client then i might be talking to you often and like i've actually gone to some weddings for one-on-one clients they can invite me to their wedding really fun that's cool um does anybody try to put the moves on you

i was thinking the same thing like that's an expensive i mean on instagram sure like i wear a ring on both hands like nice very like apparent but people don't see it and i get lots of dms but no one like buys a package and then tries to hit on me. That'd be a very expensive way to hit on somebody. Gotcha. Did they know? Yeah. Slide in the DMs. Save my money.

I've met a few girls who are paying a lot of money. Interesting. Yeah, that's awesome. The Indian guys like the honky whore. Do you also consult with any women in all of this or no? It's all just men. We got some questions here. Oh, here we go. Here's one. My lady won't do things with me in bed.

She used to do with other guys. What do I do? Whoa. That's weird. That's fucked up. Well, what did the other guys have that you don't have? Also, why is she telling them? That shouldn't be coming up that often that you're like, Gary used to do this. And you're like, what the fuck?

Interesting. Deek shit used to. Deek shit used to be a gun in my head. By the way, I'm not asking how other dudes used to fuck my girl. Yeah, that's something I'm not super curious about. No. I don't know what you would do. I don't have any advice for that.

I feel like you either need to get over it and just stick with what you've've got you have to break up with her if like it's really bothering you or be more persuasive i guess it's like what are you trying to get her to do like well she should talk her into it she should lie in his favor and be like oh the last guy was tiny so i could fit my ass you can't that's good that's right his name poor Deekshit. He got Deekshit all over his dick. But yeah, so that's a tough spot to be in for this guy. I think that also could be people, sometimes when they're young, they're more adventurous and they try stuff and they're experimental. And then when they settle down with somebody, they don't want to do that shit anymore.

There was a time and place for that. Oh, times have changed. It was college. I don't know. I feel like everybody's There was a time and place for that. Time should change. I don't know. I feel like everybody's eating butt now. That's a good... I keep forgetting there's a kid here. He read this and he was like, what does that mean? Geez, I've got to put a sleep mask

on him as well. Your wife is going to win so much in the custody battle when this is over. Just play one clip and it's over. Some sort of lull. Alright, what's the next one? What's better, celebrating Valentine's Day before or on

the actual date? I think if you're going to celebrate Valentine's Day, you should do it at home either way, so it doesn't really matter if it's before or the day of. Going to a $300 prefix dinner with everyone else going out for Valentine's Day feels cheesy. And sucker move.

Yeah, sucker move. Make dinner at home or get takeout and plate at Q. A little more special. Yeah, more special. You're already at home then. Things can escalate quicker. That's a lot of pressure. It's like New Year's.

It's pressure and the payoff is never worth it. True. I have a personal. This just hit me. i could use some advice what would you tell a guy you know maybe a 37 year old comedian who's just realized his anniversary is tomorrow no just that just fucking take those home with you you're gonna have them take them jesus that's that could. What anniversary number is it? That's important. Four. Okay, that's not a big one. I got it.

Take her back to the stand and then do a set and actually do well. I'll bail and then you do five and you can do a set. What's tomorrow? Tomorrow you can make a dinner rest somewhere, can't you? Sure. Yeah, we're headed out we're, yeah. We're headed out of town right after this. She's picking me up now, so I'm kind of short-handed. Yeah,

that just hit me. We'll help you with this. We'll figure something out. Yeah, it's the week of Valentine's Day. What if you planned, like, oh, I planned this trip to Cabo, or I got you a Taylor Swift ticket, something that you can just buy online. But then he has to go see Taylor Swift. It's true. It's like 20 Gs. I know. There's so much.

It's not their 40th wedding anniversary. What is a good anniversary date though? I really like experiences. Like something you can do together. So who do you enjoy or let you both enjoy? Like whether it's a show or...

That's good. You can get tickets. Anything. And then you don't have to do anything. Go sky jumping with her. Sky diving. Like, whether it's a show or... That's good. You can get tickets. Yeah. Anything. And then you don't have to do anything. Go sky jumping with her. Skydiving. Skydiving. Skydiving. Skydiving.

I was like, what is that? I mean, just smush his words. Either way, I can't do it. I don't know about skydiving. Go ice rolling. Skating. Take her sled and dump her. I'll have to figure out.

I'll try to pull the trigger and be like, hey, I got tickets to a show next week or something. Broadway. Aren't we near the Diamond District? Oh, jeez. Pick up some ice, dog. What? No.

Does she do anything for you? Where's the equality? By the way, thanks for calling it the Diamond District and not the Jew District. That was pretty cool. You mean Jew land? Jew land. Worst amusement park ever.

It's all tunnels. I don't have any rides above ground here, Moishe. That's good real estate, man. They've already conquered the top. They've gone underground now. No Jews in the building, but they're under it. Yeah, I've got to figure out something. We also never really, because it is very close to Valentine's Day,

we always kind of just like, oh, we'll do Valentine's Day for that. That pressure is on the guy, though. That's a guy-lady thing. Yeah, I don't know. Anniversaries to me aren't like that big of a deal. I agree. It's not a huge deal. Get her a card.

Write a really nice note in it about what you love about her. You guys got a card on you? She's out front. There's not a huge deal. Get her a card. Write a really nice note in it about what you love about her. You guys got a card on you? She's out front. We can fold something. Can we get an intern to run the CVS for him right here? There we go.

It'll save his marriage. Give him a birthday card. Happy birthday. Happy retirement. Feel better grandma. I'm sorry for your loss. Happy Kwanzaa. This guy's a bum, though.

Valentine's Day is really on the guy. Yeah. To do something nice. And I also think Valentine's Day is kind of silly. Hey, she's a keeper. It's very, like, I know it is that old hack thing of, like, it's, like, a made-up holiday, but it's, like, I don't know, you should be doing cool shit with your significant other all the time.

It's, like, very fake. I agree. You know, it's just, like, this is, you should be doing cool shit with your significant other all that it's like very faked and you know it's just like this is what are we doing here corporations yeah we go out to dinner already a bunch and we do cool shit we go away like what's this i have to do it today they used to put a lot of pressure on that from when we were kids remember in in class if everybody handed out valentines and you didn't get one you felt like oh those little hearts on the lollipop yeah brutal i love those little hearts. You missed that on the lollipop. Brutal. I love those little hearts, those little conversation hearts. Yes. Oh, I crush those. They're like little antacids.

Any time of the year, really. We got them right here. Yeah, they're like Tums. Romantic Tums. Yeah. They do taste like Tums. I haven't thought about that, but they really kind of do. They're chalky.

Just chalky, yeah. Let's do another one. Are those the regular ones or the dirty ones? You see the dirty ones? Dirty? Yeah, it says like stuck me on it. What do you think about that stuff?

Is that stuff in poor taste? No, I think it's funny. Those kind of things? I would rather have the dirty ones than the regular hard ones. Yeah, this is just a swastika.

Oh, it's just homo. Homo. It says love you, Ava. They are dirty. It's a deep cut. My wife wants to have a three-way with another guy. I suggested a pre-op trans woman. Thoughts?

Still a dick, but a pretty dick. You are in it deep, dude. Wow. That would have never been my suggestion ever. He's cutting the deal. I would have said divorce and moved on. This guy's thinking outside the box. Get it?

That doesn't feel like the same thing either of what she's going for. What do you stand on threesomes as long as both you all three people are down get back here get in as long as everyone's down yeah yeah why not but hey keeper i think is that something you can get over though if she's like i want another dude like because obviously every guy would is the you know i and it probably is a double standard, but it's like, every guy's like, I would love the two girls. Yeah. But then if your wife's like, I want two guys, I feel like that would be a tough thing if you said no for everybody to overcome.

That's always out there. If everybody's being honest, the reason you would want two girls is because you do want a little variety. And it's the same way on the ladies' side. Yeah, I agree with that. I don't want two girls is because you do want a little variety and it's the same way i'm on the way i agree with that i want two girls two different girls i don't want i don't want her there because if she's and there's no disrespect but if she's there it's gonna be a fight of course because i'm like oh you paid more attention to her well she's the guest you got to be nice to the guest nice to the guest yeah i mean also if you're gonna do this don't go pre-op trans go

Deke shit That way there's no competition he doesn't know what he's doing he can be over in the corner by himself yes You know on the gaming would you do a threesome with any of you guys would you do that? I probably yeah, I don't want to die when secure Are you saying any combination yeah i mean i probably would it's just going to be messy like it's just you're never you walk into that room you you're walking out different people you're either yeah you're there you're either menage a trois people or you're you're an orgy guy or you're not you know what

i mean that's not like what thing you do once or twice and and and leave it in the room and it'll be looming forever everything will come up it'll be always getting thrown in someone's face in the first big blow up that's coming out you know i used to do a bit about my ex uh was like you should come on my face and i did and afterwards we both had like that moment we're like we're not these types of people it was like that moment like we thought we were edgier than we were. It was just like, ugh. Let's go back to Mad About You. Tell me why. I love you like I do.

Yeah, that's tough. Yeah. I'm too gross for any of that stuff. I can't do that stuff anymore. What do you mean you're too gross? Threesomes and stuff like that? I'm just, yeah. Every time someone fucks you,

it's a threesome. At least a two and a half. He's got a point, huh? Would my date get offended if I gave her too much chocolate? Maybe she thinks I'm a feeder.

This guy's a psycho. Is that a thing? A feeder? It's more offensive if you get her like diet sugar-free chocolate. I agree. That is worse.

Good point. Here's a Sloop Fast. And a washing machine. Sloop Fast. I forgot about Sloop Fast. That's all right. Slip fast. I forgot about slip fast. That's all right. It does taste pretty good. There was an Onion headline

that was like, guy breaks up with his girlfriend because she actually ate all of her Valentine's Day chocolate. Sure. Oh, wow. It's like,

there's something true to that. That's funny. But this guy seems like he likes that, you know? Yeah. What's a feeder? I think it's somebody who just like gets off

on feeding you. Fattening someone up. Ugh. Kind of what I think it's somebody who just like gets off on feeding you. Fattening someone up. Yeah. Kind of what I am to you. It kind of sounds like this guy is a feeder. My mom does that to me. Yeah, you're right. If he wants to give her too much chocolate.

Hmm. Yeah, the feeder thing is weird. That's what I mean. Like the fact that you know what that is and you're aware of that means you're too deep in the weeds for me. Also, this guy wants a fat lady. So there's some woman out there who's like, I'm dying to get fatter. I want to eat whatever I want.

So they're a match made in heaven, but they got to meet. We missed one. No, we got that one. Oh, sorry. My friend spent $5,000 on a dating service. I think he's insane. Thoughts? Oh, no.

Why didn't he get in touch with me first? Yeah, you're cheaper than that. And have we gone over the prices? I would say it depends what the dating service is. If you're paying five grand to, like, be able to gift sugar babies presents, yeah, that's fucking insane. But if you want to, like, if you're working with a matchmaker who's actually legit, that's cheap. Got it. And if you want to, like, correct something in your dating life, you could snap your fingers and pay five grand and like start getting laid or like start getting dates

seems like pretty good deal yeah it depends on what your job is if you work at subway that seems like a bad move yeah but if you're loaded you can afford it yeah right i tell people that all the time like don't buy my course or work with me if you can't if it's going to be a stretch like that's just gonna make your dating life worse do Do you charge more than the other person is? I would. Oh, shit. Yeah. I don't.

I don't. 15K. Lucky for them, it's a flat rate. Yeah. Okay. That is that. What if he's 5'3"? Because that's an uphill battle.

Have you ever had to deny somebody of like, I can't help you, and I don't want to take your money? I don't work with people all the time. Buddy, get it, dog. You're done. But I have a 5'3 client who just got his second girlfriend since i've been working with him and is absolutely crushing it she's 11 and and the girl actually who he's dating now was a girl who turned him down before we started working together and was the reason he came to work with me because

he liked her yeah and he was like i'm doing doing something wrong. Like, I really like this girl. I thought it was a fit. And they were friends and she shut him down. And then we worked together and then he got a girlfriend. And then the original girl decided she actually liked him.

So he broke up with his first girlfriend and went back with the original girl. Oh, that's so fucking weird. So sometimes you get clients that like, hey, there's this girl that I like.

I'm very clear, though, we're not working together to get that specific girl because there's way too much out of everybody's control for us to get just going after one specific woman. But in this case. She's your sister. But in this case, it worked out with them. She was like, oh, wow, you are great now that you're doing the right thing.

They saw it with another girl. That's probably what it was. Yeah. Right. She's like, oh, this guy's cleaning up. He's not a poser. Let me get in on that. Yeah.

Women like a guy who gets ladies. Sure. Like Pete Davidson. Yeah. You know, I think he fucks so many hot women that hot women are like, well, I got to fuck him. Or else I'm not hot. It's almost like a stamp.

Yeah. Yes. Tramp stamp. That was all right. Yeah. Okay. I got the breaking relationship news. Uh-oh. There's been a leak of Drake's penis.

Oh, nice. Finally. Whoa! Hey, that was fun. How do we know that's Drake? He confirmed it. I thought I only did that. Wait, what is he doing?

Oops, sorry, Jordan. Oh, he's looking at Dick. Oh, what is he doing? Oops. Oh, he's looking at the... This has got to be some kind of FDA regulation here. Alright, alright, alright. Let's hide the dong here around the little guy. It's a fucking OSHA, but they're not walking. We're all fucks. He confirmed it. What did he say?

He's on the dark web next to his son. He's got 4chan next to a four-year-old. And I know this is a recent tweet, so you probably won't be able to find it, Matt, but what did Drake say? He confirmed it. He said that was me. That's it? Yeah.

Good for him. He's owning it. Who posted it? It looked all right, by the way. Yeah, it wasn't anything to be embarrassed about, I would say. No, good flop on there. Decent. Talking about like it's a piece of New Haven pizza.

Look at that. No flop. Sinatra would fly that out from Connecticut. The delay. Salakis is on a time delay. See, that's a perk of a... I'm going to get too offensive, but all right. We'll keep moving. How about that kid? He's cute.

So your clientele is mostly Asian? No, I wouldn't. No, it's not mostly but there's a good number. I don't know the percentage. Higher end people? Guys that do well? Yeah, professionals. Okay. Are you comfortable saying the prices of the services? Yeah, so I have entry level

courses that are stand alone shorter courses. Chicks 101. My Chicks 101 starts at like $149. So accessible if you have a job. Fingering 302. The Get It Wet Package is $1200. I do have a $1200

course. That's my master class that includes all of the courses that I have. And then working with me one on one starts at $6,500. Yay! What does that get you, $6,500? Head?

I was thinking it. No, six Zoom sessions and email coaching and my courses. What are you wearing in the Zoom? More than this usually, actually. I'm out. Wait, what's mail coaching's you bring in another guy email coaching like hey like why should i text this girl like she just you know oh wow that's a really good tool that's what they really want if you have someone who's

well obviously you know well versed in that world to bounce off what should my response to this be that's huge i had a bad experience with that years ago the girl that i liked that world to bounce off what should my response to this be that's huge i had a bad experience with that years ago remember the girl that i liked that came to the show oh and i came on too strong in the email he sent her an email the next morning where i was like dude do not send that he's like why i'm like it's psychopath level it was a drake and then and then he's like i'm like don't send it he's like well what have I told you I already did I was like you'll never hear from her ever again prettiest girl that I'd ever seen at the time obviously

good back pedal thank you you're getting me jammed up got me in the pen over here and his car's gonna say cause it didn't work out with her on stage I was performing at a club and on stage I said that I was shooting something the next day,

and it was like something like a student film or something like that. But I was trying to impress her afterwards, and I told her it was Boardwalk Empire. So we went home that night, we hooked up a little bit, and then she gave me her email, and then the next day, that night we said we were going to make plans and see each other later the next night. So I went and got my hair cut, like, in the 20s. Oh. Yeah, so he had, like, that, like, high fade fucking to look like, you know. Steve Buscemi going.

Yeah. And then I sent her this email. I was like, you know, it was so great spending the night with you, and your hair smelled so good. Yeah, not a good one. It's not so bad. Why'd she give you her email? She was trying to get rid of me. It was info at best.

It might have been over before you sent the email. Yeah, that's my thing, too, is like email. Come on. Yeah, I was an idiot. I was in that life. You're like hotbot.com. What the hell? It's got to be so tough for these engineers.

You said it's mostly engineer guys They can build a bridge They can design a building And structure and all this shit And they can't think of a text for a lady That's gotta be so tough because I'm the opposite I can text a lady all day But there's so many things you can do

That you also There's so many things you can't do Outside of this you're pretty running bumping into walls and stuff like that 100 yeah i can barely they're looking at you like this guy like this guy can't book a flight look at these shoes i just put one knot on there and i slip them on because i don't want to tie them i'll die i'll fall in the street but yeah i know what you mean but i'm just saying you can design a bridge yeah no i got a space shuttle or whatever the hell and not even text no they're really smart guys like i sometimes feel like the smarter they

are like the worse they are oftentimes they're very technical yeah very technical very you call tend to overthink things so sometimes it's just like sending me a text i'm like yo you're overthinking it there's no feel to it there's no like oh i've been here before don't text her back right now you don't need to say more. Just like, leave it. And they just needed to hear that. And they're like, oh, yeah, okay, okay. So you go through like that.

It's step by step. Hey. For my one-on-one client. I broke a little ground here. We're talking, whatever. Do I say this? I think I said the dick pic too early. It's fine.

Sally Q, say it over. it's kind of cool to see the window and how much guys struggle with this yeah it's pretty wild it's like you get why we have school shootings i feel i would also i would also never have the confidence to even i mean you're a very attractive lady very i would i would never if i like, I would never... And you knocked on the door, and she's like, how can I help you? Oh, nothing, never mind.

Yeah, I'd go, oh, is this the weight room or whatever? I wouldn't fucking... I wouldn't be like, yeah, I'm a big cock or whatever. Do you get Uber Eats by any chance? I was looking for the rich guy building. Is this it by any chance?

Yeah. So I'm saying that it takes a lot of confidence to overcome that. To ask for help. To ask, yeah. To ask, yeah. Specifically an an attractive woman for help anybody go all the way to getting married yeah yeah i've gone to weddings no kidding she's killing it yeah that's awesome had baby announcements and does the lady know yeah are you like in the back with like a fake mustache on just like give him like a point she knows i've met a lot of like their significant others

or girlfriends and they're like and the girls are like thank you for helping him like make a decent dating app profile or like thank you for like getting him on track because it's not that these guys are like suck and are helpless they're awesome guys they just it's the upfront thing right that they just need a little help getting over it and the girls too right yeah i mean yeah it's like you're selling yourself a little pizzazz it's marketing and sales like it's not a product problem it's a marketing problem that's what i say like we're not changing you like that we're just presenting you a little differently we're gonna authentically market you in a way that women are like oh damn like i want to date him and not like oh like what's that or even like he's a friend like oh he's really nice but he's just a friend have you been able to close that at all like oh

he's just a friend yeah yeah well because a lot of times it's because these guys toughest one to overcome they're yeah they're creating a they're creating intellectual connections but they aren't creating emotional or sexual connections so it's teaching them how to you know have more feeling when they're talking to women how to get women feeling things even just as simple as like holding eye contact touching her knee like when you're out, leaning in. You're not sitting there all proper with your hands folded. Relax. Lean in.

Make her feel desired. Yeah. All right. And do you have the hitch rule? Does anybody else already know? It's not just the hookup, right? Check that little book. We were all kind of mesmerized there.

All right. She's like, you make a lot of eye contact?'m staring right now you know make her feel like a woman i'm like i'm shit i'm terrible i know forget the anniversary you don't have anything planned yeah do you have the hitch rule where it's not just a hookup it's it's for a relationship no i don't have that rule nice all right i like it what about girls who want to meet guys are they struggling yes everyone is struggling. There's a lot of dating coaches out there for women also. Oh, there are?

Yeah, but I feel like with women I would feel bad being like, yo, you need to lose 15 pounds and get a new outfit. But with guys I'm like, yeah, you need to like... Have you told guys to lose weight? Yeah, or like get healthy. And it depends who they want to date, you know? This is bullshit. But I have guys who it's like... Put this quack in here. Have you told guys to like change up the wardrobe? And it depends who they want to date, you know

Because even if you're doing everything right like you could be doing a lot of like the right things But you look like you can't like walk up a flight of stairs or like you look like a slob and like your closer where you look like a slob and your clothes don't fit you. This is an attack. You look great. You look great. Brought to you by Factor Meals this week, everybody. Sell some mattresses, boys. I mean, you're engaged and you're stylish.

Whoa, stylish. You got a handsome beard. You got the hat. You look great. Thank you. Hey, all right. Thank you. It'd be great to be hit on you now. I'm leaving my wife.

But if you are in shape Yeah wait till the rubber Hits the road and these lights turn off If you're Getting those things wrong you can be doing a lot of Other stuff right but still not be getting the results you want Like you could be doing a lot of The right stuff but if you look like crap like

Yeah you're not gonna get a 10 if you're not gonna get a girl Who looks great so you need to like sometimes spruce that up as well if you want your girl to look like that like if you want her to be fit and have straight white teeth and shiny hair like you kind of have to have those things not necessarily the same level but you have to be like

conscious of it sailing in that direction sure have you ever found yourself not before but later like kind of attracted to one of these clients yeah i've had some hot clients i'm like oh like okay i've set them up with my friends were you doing this before you met your husband no i wasn't ah yeah this was my pandemic baby attainable smart he's cool with this obviously yeah nice she's not a swinger. She's a goddamn professional. I didn't mean it like that. She's not stripping, dude.

We got another question. What did your old man say? You know what I meant. How do I tell my girlfriend I'm not into her squirting? I don't think that's something really she's doing intentionally. What? This guy's killing it. He's complaining.

If she's squirting, get a tarp. Have you seen the laundry bills? She might just be peeing in bed. That's fine to do in a hotel when someone else is cleaning it. I think you just get into it. Not at my home. Get a tarp. Get a slip and slide.

My mom cleans my room, lady. Get romantic in the shower, I guess. Sam, did you have a joke about hydration? Yeah, I was with a girl once in Michigan. Before, she was chugging water. I was like, what are you doing? She's like, I have to hydrate before. I was like, I think I might have misrepresented my abilities.

She was a squirter. That's why she had to do that. Jesus. Whoa, I love the squirting. What happens if she wasn't hydrated but she's a squirter? It's like a squirt gun that doesn't... She turns into a raisin? I don't know.

I don't know what happens. She just seizes out. It's like a car that won't turn over. How do I date the old-fashioned way? No Tinder, Hinge, et cetera. Get out there. We've got to talk about this. Yeah, pick up some hobbies.

Hobbies. Sipping paint's really good, right? And sipping paint. Oh, yeah, those are cute, but that's not good to meet girls. That's a good date. I thought you meant drinking it. Oh, okay. Yeah.

I did too at first. I know what a sipping paint is. Huffing paint. I think it's degenerate. You guys do inhalants? Is that a good place to meet girls? Oh, okay. Yeah. I did too at first. I know what a sipping pain is. Huffing pain? I think it's degenerate. You guys do inhalants? Is that a good place to be, bro? Sniffing glue.

That's all right. You like to huff? Wait. What are other hobbies? Like ceramics. I think there's lots of ladies. Oh, these are gays. No, I bet guys. Come on.

It's a phase. That is not a gay hobby. Ceramics is not gay. It's not straight. Isn't that going to be obvious if it's a vase. That is not a gay hobby. Ceramics is not gay. It's not straight. And this is not going to be obvious if it's like, you know, ceramics. You have to pick something you actually like. But it could be. Oh.

You got to be yourself? Wait. Yoga. I can't lie my way through this. Pickleball. I think pickleball is really good. Pickleball is cool. It's so big in Austin.

Pickleball is big now. Huge. Low impact. Yeah. Literally like anything you find interesting where girls also are. Like playing video games at home isn't going to be a great hobby to meet women. Not all hobbies are created equal, but find some hobbies where girls hang out.

Yeah. That's a good point. If you're at home playing Call of Duty, it's fun, but you're not meeting chicks. Yeah. Take my Approach Academy course. Like I literally break down how to meet women in the wild so you don't have to rely on that. I was always just the bar. We haven't.

We had a lady. Not even with comedy. Like, you know you just add a bar i was comfortable we had a lady who met her husband uh playing call of duty remember flying them up to like yeah from texas to san francisco or something yeah now they're married i have clients who like reference that like story is like a myth of like there was once a guy. And I'm like, no, no, that's not happening for you. No, no. Comedy has made it. We have been spoiled because as comics, I mean, remember how often we used to just hang out after the show?

That was big. I mean, you have a good set. You pretend. You're just at the door. I'm looking at my phone or whatever. Oh, this is where the people come out? This is weird. No idea.

Hey, hot chick over there. And they know everything about you. So the first 20% is over. They're already in to who you are. chick over there. And they know everything about you. So the first 20% is over. They're already in to who you are. They know you. And they know your hobby. That's a lock. Yeah.

How do I date? We did that one. Good cocktail for drinking alone this Valentine's Day. Jim Beam and a handgun. Yeah. Fentanyl smoothie. Why do you have to drink alone? Get your guy friends.

Go out. Yes. Have some Cosmos out with your guy friends, and it's a good conversation starter. Or you could have a Bodega Cat. There you go. Bodegacatwhiskey.com. Get a Bodega Cat and a Fleshlight. Call it a night.

Fleshlights are from Austin, Texas. I don't know why I know that, but I'm with the Fleshlight where I'm from, yes. You're full of surprises. Girlfriend is great. I would say, in all honesty, you're full of surprises. Girlfriend isn't great. I would say, in all honesty, a good Valentine's Day cocktail, make yourself a Negroni. Who doesn't like a Negroni?

Old-fashioned, Manhattan. Old-fashioned, yeah. And you'll be groaning. Wait, this one is tough. My girlfriend isn't great at wiping after she shits. If we do doggy, there is faint streaks. There are faint streaks, you mean. How do I address this?

You need her to be a squirter so you can bidet that shit in real time. Get a bidet. That's the key. There you go. A pack of dude wipes. A bidet would help. Do you trust this girl to be the future mother of your children or a reliable partner?

She can't even wipe her ass. Good point. Hygiene's important. I think she's out. Well, it's probably the wheelchair makes it hard. You ever have a one night stand with someone and they just go for your butt and you're like, just a tongue in there and you're like, are you out of your fucking mind? You don't know my routine.

Like I am clean there, but you didn't know that. I would highly advise against it. I had to stop a lady once. It's wild down there. You're a gentleman. No, no, no. You don't want that. My asshole looks like your head.

Man. Yeah, I would never want to subject anybody to that. No, no. but i mean i've done that a million times sure but it's a lady what are the best first date ideas that's a little vague here it's a broad one i don't think you want to get crazy with the first date just go get drinks drinks right is dinner creepy it's not creepy but like why do you want to have dinner with her either what if she sucks like you want to have dinner with her either? What if she sucks? Exactly. You want to keep it short, sweet.

Just go get drinks. She's good. Yeah. A couple of drinks, see where it goes. Yeah, because if it's great, then you can go get dinner. Yes. And you get honest with a couple of cocktails. I pay for everything all the time, but should I expect Valentine's Day gifts beyond sex?

I mean, what gifts do you want on Valentine's Day? Yeah, that's weird. Also, why would you expect a gift if you're already paying for everything? I don't think she's getting you anything, don't you? I hope so. Oh, yeah, he's done. This guy's a goner. Are you expecting a Valentine's Day gift? No, I don't want a gift.

Did you get her anything? I did. Okay. My girl gets too many gifts. She buys me too many things. I'm like, stop buying. I don't want this shit. What type of stuff?

She bought me this. I do like this sweater. That's thoughtful. She got me like eight other Knicks sweaters. I'm like, it's too much shit. Can I have one? Yeah, of course. All right.

Tell her to keep going. Yeah, yeah. By the way, I went to the game last weekend. I was thinking about you. We're going tonight. That's a fun time over there. I tell you, I'm real loose with the Sixers. Man, the Knicks are really pulling me. I like that squad. They're cooking, baby. They're a's a fun time over there. I'm real loose with the Sixers. Man, the Knicks are really pulling me.

They're cooking, baby. They're a good group of guys over there. I was at the game where Randall got hurt. That was one of the worst days of my life. Thanks for bringing it up. How do I get over my commitment issue? Now that's a good question because every guy has them. I got nothing.

Yeah, you're barking up the wrong tree. I don't feel like every guy has them. I feel like. Yeah, you're barking up the wrong tree. Yeah. I don't feel like every guy has them. I feel like the guys I work with are the opposite. They, like, want commitment from the other woman. Oh, the guys you work with, yeah. Yeah, like, they're more. Not the guys that are out there getting laid, though. They're not just.

They're running the other way. Deke shit. Your guy's bird shit's fucking strangling him. As soon as you get him laid, you're like, yeah, I'm not really ready for anything. Yeah. I had to work with a therapist. A therapist? Yeah, serious answer. Oh, yeah, yeah. That makes sense.

None of our thoughts. That's how nuts we are. I don't know. Drink through it. Keep it moving, dude. It's all patterns, right? It's like you have issues with this because of some other shit. You address it. Yeah, you probably get better. Why is it okay for a woman to have a guy friend but if I have a girlfriend, it's a fucking

problem. Maybe it's your tone. Yeah, this guy's got a tune. Yeah, right? You got a fucking problem, babe? I can't be friends with a stripper. What's the deal? This is bullshit. Yeah, I don't...

That sounds like a him problem or his girlfriend problem That's not a rule I got female friends Outside of comedy though Cause we're like peers you know what I mean How many guy friends do you have outside of comedy It's very true I got like two from when I was like Seven years old

But I mean like if my wife Met a new guy Like she didn't That that would be weird. A new single straight guy. A new single straight guy who was like, we're going to grab drinks. I'd be like, you're not fucking going to grab drinks. Right. How do you feel about that?

What do you think? Nah, I'm not saying I'm not. I'm saying we have to have a conversation that just seems weird. It seems like you're going on a date. Well, that just, the description of that, yeah, it's like she's going on a date. Yeah. But, like, there's situations where, like, when my – he's my boyfriend at the time now, my husband, and I moved to Austin. We're both meeting people.

I have made guy friends through other friends I already have that he might not know yet. Or through playing pickleball, I play pickleball. It's like, oh, I met this guy. That's not weird. But we're not going out to drinks one-on-one. That would be weird. It's a group setting of like, oh, Tony and Trevor are coming over. Sure.

I know this is an old trope or whatever the word is, but those guys would make a move if they thought they had a shot. Yes. That's every guy's thing. I don't fucking trust. Listen, every dude would take the shot. If the commanding officer came down and was like, take the shot, he's fucking taking it. Every dude is a piece of shit except us.

Yeah. For sure. You think there's ever been a guy who hired a dating help and then a woman who hired a dating help and they met? Has that ever happened? Yeah, probably. So I actually have been talking to this other woman who's a dating coach for women and I'm like, we just need to hook up our client. Yeah. Bingo.

Same time. Get them together. Have a mixer and they're all just staying on the other side of the fucking apartment. You guys are catching the corner. Kind of an easier way to do that would be the guys who follow me on Instagram. Just go find dating coaches for women and then the women who follow her start there. Oh, don't give it away. Oh, that's already.

That's high level math. I'm explaining the back door entrance to that. So go follow. If you are a guy who follows me and you want dating advice, you want a girlfriend, go find a dating coach for women and see the girls who are already following her. Those women want relationships. So start there. But isn't a DM creepy?

DMs are tricky. It can work. You have to have a good profile. You have to treat it like you're dating app profiles. You got to have a good profile. You have to treat it like your dating app profile. So you got to have some good pictures. You got to have some interesting bio. And then it's way better if you have some mutual friends or something to connect on. But it's been known to happen that you can slide into the DMs and it works.

Got it. All right. Is that it? I'm deleting all my wife's pictures off my Instagram. So that's what you're saying. Start there. So you're saying I can't let her cock block me? Dating a girl for six months.

This is our first Valentine's. Any gift advice? God, the gifts. An experience. That you can do together. Something you can enjoy together. There you go. Dinner, flowers, stuff like that?

Yeah, I mean, it's fine. But I think I'd rather, for a gift, I would rather have an experience. Flowers are nice, but- Be specific. What's a good experience? Like a concert. Okay, that's fun. Going to a concert that you both enjoy, a trip.

Yeah, but then you got to hang out with her. It's true. That is part of the gift. 72 hours alone, no cell service. Baby, One Direction's back on tour. We have been dating for three months, but the sex is already boring. Can I bring in sex toys? I don't see why not. We have been dating for three months, but the sex is already boring. Can I bring in sex toys?

I don't see why not. Yeah, I think you could have brought in the sex toys three months ago. Agreed. Yeah, that's not like taboo. No. Is this a guy? Probably. Oh.

What? I don't know. I feel like that's a lady's place. That feels like a lady to me. Yeah, agreed. Either way, that guy's on his way out. What? That guy's on borrowed time. Yeah. Yeah.

Uh-oh. How will I know when it's time to ask her to marry me? How did you know Mark? Uh-oh. Well, let's see. She looked at my phone. No. Either this or I leave.

Yeah, exactly. I show everyone your Drake video. I think for me, because you go out with a million girls, the one you can be most yourself with, and I hate myself, I'm a piece of garbage, whatever. And if she likes that shitty version of you, and you don't even have to think about being around her. Some people are like, all right, this person's here. I got to be on. I got to be this. I got to be that.

I got to be this version of me that they think I am. When you can just be you, that's the one. That's pretty good. I like that. Easy life. Amen. And she's fun and we get along. We're very compatible.

We make each other laugh quite a bit. We had sex today. There you go. Sorry about the stint. She doesn't wipe her ass very well. She's a streaker. That's good. That's good stuff.

Yeah. I think that's right because you know that feeling too when you, and look, I'm not married, but that feeling when you leave a social hang and you're like. Yes. When you go home and you're around someone who just puts you at ease. Also, you know what's really good? That same, but when you experience that with them. Like you walk out of a party or a wedding with her puts you at ease. Also, you know what's really good? That same, but when you experience that with them, like you walk out of a party or a wedding with her and you're like, oh, that fucking sucked.

Great point. You know, that guy was the worst. Like when you share that, like kind of like, you know. That orgy with Diptych was fucking terrible. I'm sure there's some trauma in this, but I can't, like when we're both sleeping together, like in the bed, I can't imagine her not being in the bed there. Does that make sense?

You know what I mean? Like, that's when it's, like, perfectly cozy. That's heavy. You know what I mean? That's cute. I mean, you're heavy. She's usually up three feet, but sure. Mark and I are both trying to fire off a fat joke. Periods are in sync.

Well, what do you say there, Blaine? How would you know it's time? I like both of your descriptions. My periods are in sync. What do you say there, Blaine? How would you know it's time? I like both of your descriptions. I think that's great. I think being your authentic self. And I tell guys that even in the early stages of dating, don't date this person if you feel like you have to be somebody that you're not. And don't pretend to be somebody you aren't when you're approaching

or when you're getting to know her. Because if she likes you for who you're acting like, then you have to either keep that up or risk her not liking who you actually are. You're better off just going in with who you authentically are. If she doesn't like that, then great. One less person to worry about figuring it out with. Move on. What about that bullshit where they say you should be with somebody who challenges you? I don't know if me and my girlfriend actually challenge each other.

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Ready to charm your Valentine's dates. I like having my ass eaten. Oh, is there a question? Ready to charm your Valentine's dates. Do whatever the fuck you want. I mean, do what makes you come, dude. Yeah, 2024, baby. Let it rot. Yeah, just do it with a woman. Then you're not gay. Why don't you just enjoy your fucking life? Weird. And stop worrying. I mean, yeah, your girl's eating your ass. This guy's gay.

Also, this guy probably was nervous sending this. They're like, what are you, gay? Shut up. Just get your ass eaten. He was like, all right, I'm going to come out of my shell. I'm going to ask my favorite comedians their advice on this thing that I'm petrified about. He hits Sandy. He's like, I'm fucking gay, dude.

Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Yeah. My friends are getting divorced. I've always been attracted to his wife. Oh, now we're getting into it. How long until I can fuck her? I love this guy doesn't know.

He just knows he can fuck her. He's like, how long until I can fuck her? Yeah, really confident that she wants to fuck him. Yeah, right. Yeah, and how close are you with the friend? The answer is never if you want to be friends with the guy. Yeah, that's true. Do you have any rules on that when you take on a client?

What if the client says, hey, I'm in love with my boss's wife? Or something like that. I mean, can you afford to lose your job? I guess that's true. Help me construct a plan to kill him. Co-worker or something like that. Is this about afford to lose your job i guess that's true i hope we construct a plan to kill him co-worker is this about us what are you what the hell a stupid question he was a friend say you have a say you have a mildly successful podcast and you got the hots for your co-host i was wondering why you were playing pick the ball marcus divorced i'm never trying to fuck

his wife his ex-wife that's just shit you don't do. Of course. If you're close friends. Now, if you're not. If it's like an associate or a friend of a friend and you don't mind burning that bridge. Yeah, there you go. You're just a guy at that point. It doesn't seem worth it, though.

Like, if this is even a friend of a friend, you're going to be in social settings with them just to fuck her. Like, that seems like a lot of baggage to take on. Yeah. Yeah, but it seems so wrong. It must a lot of baggage to take on yeah it is hotter because you shouldn't be doing it that's every porn is shit you shouldn't be doing fucking your your friend's mom sure you know the teacher the boss whatever it's all shit it's training your brain to you know for forbidden fruit i think think. A real estate agent. Yeah. Babysitter. So wait, what do you do about the co-worker stuff? Because a lot of people met at work back in the 80s and 90s, and now that's taboo.

Is that taboo now? No, you can still meet at work. A lot of people have a no fraternizing clause. No kidding. That's huge now. Or you have to disclose your data. There's more red tape. I don't know how.

Yeah, they're scared to get sued. But I don't think it's usually you can't. It's like, I know a lot of the big corporations, it's you get to ask once. You can like ask somebody out, but if they say no, like never bring it up again.

All right, that's fair. Which really should apply to all situations. What about the hierarchy shit? Because some women like a guy who's in a position of power. I know I do. I mean,

like what I would tell a client is like every situation is different. You might need, you need to navigate that in a way ideally where you don't lose your job. Right.

If you're the boss, that's hard though, right? Say there's like a hot... Intern. They're like, Love Actually. Love Actually is a movie we all love,

but that was Hugh Grant fucking the intern lady or trying to. Listen, that's the 90s though. We're all lying to each other. Do we all love that movie? I think that movie stinks. The country loves it. Hugh Grant fucking the intern lady. Or trying to. And it was still happening. We're all lying to each other. Do we all love that movie? I think that movie stinks.

The country loves it. I don't know. It's a popular film. You're talking about Four Weddings and a Funeral. That was a good movie. Love Actually. Get out of here with that crap. All right.

Well, Obama is... Man, the king of segues over here. Michelle Obama was higher up than him, and she hit on him. And now they're married, obviously. And now they're a gay couple. Big Mike. Who knows? Just saying.

You're right. Every case is different. Politician's stories about how they met their significant other, they're so innocent. He's like, and then Michelle and I got ice cream. I'm like, did you? Yeah. You didn't have drinks and fuck just once? A black dude in the 80s?

Come on. You're rushing to Newport and Henny. Let's go. You're Kenyan. Come on. You didn't go out for ice cream in Chicago? What are you talking about? Henny.

There's no goddamn ice cream stores in Chicago. He's got late night at a barbecue written all over it. What are you talking about? Let's go. He was swooping were line dancing. How do I convince my wife to try anal? I don't know

but when you figure it out come by the Foley's house will you dog? CC your boy. Straighten a friend up. What do you think about the anal there with white pants?

Soon to be brown pants. I've heard if you let her peg you first, she almost always lets you do anal. So try that. That's a pretty big price to pay. That's a devil's bargain. No, I just asked her and talked to her. You gotta meet at the crossroads at midnight for that?

Ask her for Valentine's Day as your gift. That would suck if you got pegged and then she said no. Wait, wait, wait. You gotta get that in writing. Maybe he wants the anal. Yeah. No, I don't think she's going to. I think it's more of a problem for her body.

Yeah, she's not down with it. How can I convince my wife to try anal? Maybe he's talking about on him, I'm saying. I mean, yeah, a lot of guys do that. But I mean, it sounds more like. I don't think a lot of guys, but guys. Guys do that. How can I convince my wife to try anal? I think

you just gotta say, hey, I really want to do it. I'll lube up your butt. I don't know. Yeah, I'll take it slow. If it's not working, we'll stop. Yeah, you get some phalanges in there first. You get a finger or two and you gotta work your way up. Digits. You can't just, you know, get right to that.

Warm it up with the pinky first. There's a lot of eye contact on that. Hey, all right. It's my goddamn anniversary. Me personally, I'm not a big anal guy. She's all over me. Mark and I have talked about this. We're not big into the anal, I think, you know.

It's just, James Smith used to have a great joke about this. James Smith, our buddy in Australia who listens to this sometimes, he used to have a bit about how it's like you got a good road right there. Sure. Why are you taking the bad road? Yeah. It's not for me. It's not my cup of tea.

Well, we tried it, me and the lady, but it was so brutal and uncomfortable and weird, and it's a pinhole back there. And we were just like, all right, fuck it. It's not going to work. It's my thumb and it's my ass. Great Gary Shanley one. Oh, yeah.

Hey, Yanni, for the last time, it's my thumb and my ass. Husband and I are getting divorced but plan to still live together. Sorry. I've been drinking brown beer. And you want to be an engineer. Should we have sex

or will that complicate things? No. Why are you getting divorced? You're living together and having sex. Yeah, you're married. It sounds like you're doing pretty well as a married couple. Maybe they're brutal to be around. Yeah, maybe they're just like, you know.

Maybe they're staying together for financial reasons. Or the kids. That's what I would assume. Seems like a bad idea. But hot. Maybe have sex with other people is what they meant. I don't know. I had a family member who they got divorced, and they kept the house, and they then split an apartment somewhere else, and the kids would stay in the house.

Oh, I know a lot of people do that. And the parents would. So the kids' lives never changed. The parents would. Whoa, that's pretty good. Like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, the dad would leave, and then Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, the mom would leave. Whoa.

I have a friend doing that right now. So they were like, their home stayed the same. That seems ideal. Yeah, that's really good. That's like hacking the system. You get your own apartment. Yeah. So you never hate each other.

Yeah. And the kids, yeah, that's great. The kids are like, yeah, we're still in our house. Is this a recycle one? My girlfriend won't eat my ass, but I really enjoy it. Is this doomed to fail? This guy won't give up. No.

He's got these ass eaters together. He just keeps writing in. It's the same as Gary. The next one just says, am I gay? Shoot me straight, dudes. What's the worst best relationship advice you ever got? So we have both. I'll just give my worst and best.

I feel like the worst advice, I touched on this earlier, that people get is opposites attract. Like, I have people, I'm like, no, no, no. It's not actually it. I think birds of a feather flock together is much more true. That's true. Like, look for somebody who you have things in common with. So, I feel like that's the worst advice that gets given a lot. And then, I think the best advice that I like to give guys is everybody wants to date up.

Like, whether you're a man or a woman, you want to date someone who you perceive to be cool and you're excited to introduce your friends to it's like aspirational yeah somebody's exciting and so yeah so if a girl goes to you and the guy's like oh like i just need closure i need to know why it's like it's because she thought you weren't you weren't good enough for her like that's the hard reality to level up use that as fuel to level up so you the next time you see her it's like she's like oh man like i missed out you know and you can he's got a leather jacket now you can date higher quality women like at the end of breakup when he loses a couple of pounds and he's carrying the groceries yeah i love that movie oh yeah vince vaughn yeah but you're right

opposites don't attract we got trash and drunks. We're also drunks, by the way. All right. We're probably trash. You've both done the show. You're both very trash. We're trash. Oh, we got different shaped champagne glasses, too. As Matt pointed out, we're trash.

There you go. No more questions? No, do you want to do Vince or Peeves? Peeves? Yeah, Peeves is good. Anyone have pet peeves? want to do a bit or peeves peeves yeah peeves is good anyone have pet peeves any any guys have pet peeves uh one down hold on i have it was a little bit more about and it's it's a bit of a it's like a it's a bit of a hacky bit but i was like i was watching the grammys with my with my lady oh yeah and like i know it's the thing you have to be

shocked and you have but like uh billy eilish was like, I cannot believe this. And I'm like, she already won like nine Grammys in her lifetime. She sold 100 million records. And it's like, how do you? We're supposed to believe that you were nominated for four tonight. It didn't cross your mind at one point that you had already performed on stage that night at the Grammys. Is it crazy that like and it was just this like big aloof like I don't even know. One point that you had already performed on stage that night at the Grammys. Is it crazy that like and it was just this like big aloof like I don't even know.

I'm like you are a professional performer. Yeah. Performs in front of a hundred thousand people at a time. You are not at a loss for words in front of a microphone. Right. After winning a Grammy. That sounds crazy. Billy Eilish hit you up trying to get to him.

She's got no shot. Yeah. All right. She's got to set it. Break it to her softly.. She's got no shot. Yeah, all right. She's got to set a game. Break it to her softly. She does. You stopped yourself mid-joke there. She is well endowed.

There's a woman and a kid in the room. Talk about a rough crowd. Both are turning me on. But yeah, she's got an ample bosom there on old Billie. She's very talented. I genuinely love her. But it was just like, I don't even, what do I even say? And you're like, come on.

I know. You got to do that, though. No. The other end of it is pretty annoying, too, though, when people are like, you know, I hope this gives kids hope. And you're like, shut up. Get out of here. No, but she kind of was supposed to say that.

What's she going to say? Like, I saw this one coming. Thanks, guys. No, no, no. I think that there's a thing of like, wow, this is so awesome. I'm so honored. Like, it was like this. I can't even pull words together.

You know what I mean? It was this like big, aloof, what? And I was just like, this is. Didn't Pesci do something like that? I think when he won, pull it up, his acceptance. It was Joe Pesci. He just walks up. He says, it's my privilege.

And then walks away. Yeah, it was like very, that's kind of a cool way to do it. I mean, it's a very Joe Pesci way. You know, it's like, you know, if we're talking Peeves and Grammys, Trevor Noah, he just complimented everybody. It was like the weirdest. You had to after the coy. Yeah. Oh, fuck that.

Have some balls. Go in there. I'm not saying you got to after the. The coy. Yeah. Oh, fuck that. Have some balls. Go in there. I'm not saying you got to roast everybody, but like. Let's watch the best. He's so little. I know. It was my privilege. Thank you.

Whoa. White privilege. Right back to the deuce Deuce Club. You know what I mean? Yeah, I guess so. For a couple of snifters. It's a shine box. Yeah, I don't know.

Just like, come on, Trevor. Howard Stern did a whole thing on it about how he just went up and he's like, you are great. I admire you. It was very complimentary. It was so cool you're here. And you're like, what do we need a host for? It did sound like he was doing well in the room, though.

It sounded like he was doing... Well, he's getting applause because they go, hey, leap and everybody goes sure and he goes you're so cool all right and everybody goes yeah she's cool and then he moved on to the next person i just felt not like anybody could do that the point of a comedian is to be comedic sure maybe i'm a cunt yeah i mean i i prefer the style of like the gervais or the way Tina Fey and Amy Poehler did it. They were great. They were great. But Gervais got away with it because he was in Hollywood.

I mean, he had won like a billion grand. That's true. A billion Emmys. He was their peer. He could shit on them. Well, you don't have to come out that hard, but there's a way to do it. I think you can take shots, yeah. You can make, I don't know.

Or even a joke about Dua Lipa. It doesn't have to be at her expense, but it could be a joke. Sure. Just love a joke as a comedian. Call me nuts. What'd you say? I'm kissing ass. All right.

Plug the website and beat it. All right. You guys ever do this one? How about the, this is my pee for the week. Anybody out there who's ever said truth to power? I don't even get that. I don't know what it means either. I don't get it. What does that mean? But anybody who says it, I immediately don't like it.

Speaking truth to power is what it means. What does that mean? Like you're speaking truth to power. You're just repeating it. People in positions of power. It's like when people are saying comedy should be like, you know, tackling people in higher up positions. It's almost like punching up rather than punching down.

You're telling the king he has no clothes. You're telling the truth to someone powerful. I thought it was like activists. I would have never got there. I guess so. You're speaking truth to power. The king has no clothes. You're the kid saying, he has no clothes.

You're the person who's speaking to someone powerful. As opposed to your kid who's saying, that's Drake's cock. You're speaking truth to a powerful person. I would have never got there. See, nobody in the room knew it. I knew it. She didn't know it either. Two people knew.

But anybody who says that is pretentious. I don't disagree. I don't like to roll in those circles of people speaking. Yeah, yeah. Agreed. Who the hell's this? Oh, by the way, you hear Billy Joel's new song? Pretty good. Oh, no. Good for him. You didn't like it? I mean, I don't know. It's like, I just went

and saw him at the garden. It was amazing. Me too. But it's like, Billy, play Piano Man and call it a fucking day. Oh, come on. He hasn't written a new song in 20 years. 30. 30 years. 30! Wow. I mean, sure. Yes. I love Billy Joel. One of the greatest

lives. Dude, him at the Garden is one of the best, most powerful, truth to power performances in my life. Take that, Piano Man. What was the name of the song? What was it about? Was it about drinking? It was about DUI. Jersey State. I forgot the name of the song? What was it about? Was it about drinking? It was about DUI.

Jersey State of America. I forgot the name, but it was good, though. Having a breathalyzer in your car? I got a peeve. I've had some stomach problems, like gastro, like pain from stomach acid stuff. Jewish. Oh, basically, I'm just Jewish. Someone in the Midwest is listening to this right now like, you fucking pussy. But I went to, I had to go to the urgent care or whatever.

The people, the front desk are so fucking rude. Oh, the worst. And I'm like, no one treats you this way if you're going to Chipotle. Yeah. Right. You're going to be this rude at a hospital? I know. That's a New York thing.

I live in Texas and they're nice. That's true. They're so nice. They're like, sweetie, here's the clipboard. You go sit down. I hope you feel better. Well live in Texas and they're nice. That's true. They're so nice. They're like, sweetie, here's the clipboard. You go sit down. Like, I hope you feel better. Well, they just don't do anything. I'm like, I need a referral because the referral you gave me, the book for like months, I found

another. It's like, you do all the work, you find another. It's just, my peeve is just healthcare in America. It ain't great. Who's your carrier? You don't got a PCP? I got insurance, but you still got to find someone that carries it and you still need a referral for the, it's still a thing.

They don't cover it. Huh. All right. Good talk. I go to the PCP. I say, hey, are you in a healthcare system, or do you have like a private doctor? No, I don't have a private doctor. I need to get – I need like a –

You got to be in like Mount Sinai or Beth Israel or something like that. What are you doing? Talk to the diabetic. Dude, he goes to the doctor weekly. No, I'm in Mount Sinai, but you still need a referral to go outside Mount Sinai or Beth Israel or something like that. What are you doing? Talk to the diabetic. Dude, he goes to the doctor weekly. No, I'm in Mount Sinai, but you still need a referral to go outside Mount Sinai. What are you going to go out Mount Sinai for? Because they don't have availability for months. Let's see the gastro guy.

Yeah. I'll set you up with my guy. Not a gastro pub. Just want to make sure everybody knows that. But every time I call in, they're like, they don't have me in the system for some reason. So I call in and I'm like, hey, you have to do the automated thing. And I'm like, Sam Morrell. I give him my date every time. call in they're like they don't have me in the system for some reason so I call in and I'm like Hey, I give do the automated thing. I'm like Sam Morrell I give my day every time Caitlin Morris, and I'm like do I have to transition to get a fucking? Customer service aspect of it is specifically New York brutal crazy thing bro

Dude, nobody cares less than like a key foods It's crazy. Dude, nobody cares less than like a key foods cashier about your life, your day. They don't even make eye contact. No. Just throw in your groceries. That I'm fine with. I'm talking about the hospital. I know.

What I'm just saying in general. The key foods. It's from the ground up. This is going to sound a little hoity-toity, but those Uber Blacks in the city are horrible. At regular Ubers, you're taking your life in your hands. I got an Uber Black last night. The guy had a spare tire in the backseat. That's the elevated one,

isn't it? Everything's falling though. Yeah. Get out of here. Bullshit. Talk about new money. There were two spare tires in the backseat. I cancel it. Do you guys have peeves? This week, the

sitch has been getting on my nerves. I've been hearing the phrase, the sitch. What's the sitch? What's the sitch has been getting on my nerves i've been hearing the phrase the sitch what's oh yeah what's your sitch what's your vibe we met we had to meet with some you know some industry person and he was really it was like one of those things you want to shake someone's hand i want to be like let's just save an hour and yeah each go our way or whatever but it was hitting you with this what's the vibes on this what's the sitch and probably he's looking at me like what the fuck's he talking about what's the deal ages they just shorten words they make some cooler cut the check let's go is there a person you're at a bar they're looking around for women what's the talent look like oh yes dude i had one guy i had one guy who's a friend of a friend like finance guy and we were like at a bar and he's like well the three

of us three good looking guy, we could probably clean up in here back in the day. I'm like, what are you talking about? We're 40. Shut up. Get out of here. A sad reminiscing guy? Yeah.

We were at a bar at a Yankees game. I'm like, what are we talking about? Shut up. Yeah. The sitch. Yeah. The sitch is bad. I don't even like the riz.

You just took a part of the word. It's not clever. What does that mean? Wait, what is riz short for? Charisma. Oh. Really't even like the Riz. You just took a part of the word. It's not clever. What does that mean? Wait, what is Riz short for? Charisma. Oh. Really? You got the Riz.

What's Zaza? Is that weed? Yeah. I've never heard of Zaza before. I don't know Zaza. It was Zaza Pachulia. Remember that guy? No.

Is that a rapper? Basketball player. How about you? Do you have any pet peeves? Yeah, I was at the airport yesterday. I hate when people crowd around the baggage claim. Take three giant steps backwards when you see your luggage,

step forwards, and take it off. Did you know that? Are you a crowder? No, we don't crowd. You seem like you didn't know that. No, we don't crowd. Step back.

Yeah, we step back. Keep it back, and then walk forward. I find it so irritating. I also do everything in my power not to be the one getting the bag. Yeah, he's not. I mean, we're traveling with like 75 pound bags. He's not

chasing after him on a carousel. He's outside smoking a cig. It's just human nature. It's just like cattle. Even when they're calling the gates like, alright, boarding group one, boarding group two. Everybody's like packed in. You're like, you gotta get on the plane. Relax. But we just have to scoot in and there's that tension. And getting off too.

Yeah, same shit. I can't get off. Alright. You got any more? i got one more one more this is my own peeve a peeve i hate about me i will fuck something up blame other people and then realize i fucked it up so i'll be like oh i gotta i got a sharpie here i'm gonna put this on the shelf for later when I need it. And then two years later when I need that Sharpie, I'm like, everything in this place is fucking throwing around. The wife put shit everywhere. And then I find it on the shelf and I'm like, oh, it was me.

So I blame other people when I did it myself. I do that a lot too. Yeah? Yeah. I always think something was stolen too. Yes! Like, oh, somebody definitely stole it. And I'm like, oh, shit, it's over somewhere else. I do that too. No one definitely stole it And I'm like oh shit it's over somewhere else

I do that too no one's been over I'm like someone stole Has someone the super been in here You ever do this you ever go where the fuck And before you finish the sentence you find the thing Yeah I've been looking for my phone on the phone I'll be like on a call I'm like walking around And I'm like flipping pillows and shit

I'm like what the okay never mind I bumped into someone on the street once where we were both Looking at our phones'm walking around and I'm flipping pillows and shit. I'm like, what the? Okay, never mind. I bumped into someone on the street once where we were both looking at our phones and we bumped and we were both mad at the other. It was both of our faults. You sure? We were both like, you fucking, my phone was more important. Then we fell in love. Then we kissed. The wife will do the, where's the Franzia?

And I'm like, just look for two seconds before you ask. I'm bad with that too. It's right in front of you. Oh, yeah. My husband's bad with that. It's like, where is it? I'm like, just look for two seconds before you ask. I'm bad with that, too. It's right in front of you. Oh, yeah. My husband's bad with that. It's like, where is it? I'm like, I guarantee it's there. You're not looking.

Your eyes aren't open. I told my mom. I was like, I was complaining to my mom about that. She's like, oh, I didn't want to tell you before you got married. I thought you might not get married. But like, yes, this is part of having a husband. They can't find anything. Yeah.

Right. What? I lean on that. No one told me. Yeah. I blame the lady for, yeah, you moved this. You definitely moved it. No, I didn't move it. Oh, it's right there. It's at my back. A big thing, and I've been getting- But I won't admit it. lean on that no one told me yeah i blame the lady for for yeah would you move this you definitely moved it not it moving oh it's right there it's at my bed a big thing and i've been getting but

i won't admit it my wife always does but i've been i've been like calling it out more and like to the point where it's like now she's like you got it you know but you're like i'll be in i'm like i'm hopping in the shower showers on i'm like peeing i like flush the toilet you know and then she's like our apartment there's like do it like you know toilet. You know, and then she's like, our apartment, there's like door, like, you know, like hallways and turns. So she'll be like three doors away in the kitchen. Be like, I'm like, why? She's like, I'm like, why did you?

We were just in the same room together. You wait until the shower's on. I got the hair dryer. And you're going, what? I'm thinking like, you know, something. So I'm like, hop out. And she's like, I was looking for the salt shaker. And I'm like, fucking me what you're doing. I'm like, what? I'm thinking like, you know, something. So I'm like, hop out. And she's like, I was looking for the salt shaker. And I'm like, you fucking bitch.

I lose it. You stupid bitch. I never loved you. You ever have this one? They call you and they have bad service on FaceTime. And you're like, uh-huh. And then they're like getting mad. I'm like, it's your shitty service.

I'm at home. Dude, I had that one. If you hang up, you're in trouble. Why'd you hang up on me? Bust it up? When my lady was in Germany, we were traveling back and forth to see each other a bunch. And so literally our emotional connection or connection in our relationship was based on Wi-Fi a lot of the time. Oh, man.

Because you'd be like, something would happen and we would call and it's like, I can't hear you. And then it's like, all right, she's going to bed because of the time difference. And I'm like, we, you have to wait until tomorrow or whatever to figure it out. But like, it really caused a lot of tension. Are you kind of ever glad like, oh,

the Wi-Fi sucks. We don't have to talk. There was moments for sure. I've been that way on a call. All the time with everybody. Yeah. Yeah. So don't like talking on the phone ever.

I never want to talk on the phone. I never want to face. I mean, FaceTime. I've just hung up on people before. Like, I should start. I have. Yeah. My boys will FaceTime me. I don't want to stare into another man's

eyes for 15 minutes. Get out of here. My girl has a bad habit of trying to show me pictures while I'm driving. Oh my God, look at this. We could go here. You're about to kill us. I do that. I can't drive. I'm the front seat guy

like, dude, check this out. Showing the Uber guy, yo, check out Drake, dude. One time we were in a text fight, like a fight, but through text. It was just like, they're the worst.

When I was driving in a snowstorm, I was coming back from Souljoles and it was snowing like crazy. It's in middle PA and I'm driving back. It's like two and a half hour drive and I'm like and I wanted to crash and die just to win.

It'd be her fault. You bitch, you killed him. You made him talk. I respect that. Anything with that. You guys look at it the same way. We're out there. We're getting our dick kicked in. You're driving in the snow. Middle Pennsylvania. You're coming back out and you're getting your balls broke about something.

You're like, I'm out here fucking killing myself. I know. Your car crashes. A cop finds you. He's like, it wasn't his fault. Yes, exactly. Dane was behind this one. Have you ever done the long distance?

I have not. Well, not in a serious relationship. But like situationships that the long distance i have not well not in a serious relationship but like situationships that are long distance yeah what's the hubby do you got a good gig can you talk about that um is he rich he's rich i wish he's not really i got him i mean he's not broke but oh he's private oh smart yeah smart. Yeah. Pull up Drake's penis again. His kid's watching it. What's his Instagram? One all-time creepo move by Sally.

I want to look at him, he says. You bringing up Drake's dick with your kid there is one of the all-time blunders. His kid was like, what the fuck is that? He really did look shy. All-time blunders. He was like, eyes open. What the fuck is that? Wait a minute. CPS is calling. He really did look shy. All right. I like that he's got headphones on him, but his eyes still work. You can see his face. Yeah.

Why does that black man have a slinky? All right. Here's a question. Yeah. For a single cat out there, I always had trouble with, let's say you sleep with a lady. You have a one night stand you hook up whatever it is and you never want to see her again what do you do there so she doesn't try to ruin your life and get angry i think there's a tactical like way to say goodbye in the morning

that kind of you're like don't say like okay like i'll call you like i'll take you out and then not that's way worse right this was really fun. It was so nice meeting you. Bye. That's it? Yeah, a little bit. But they're going to text you. And then she might text you. And then I think you just have to be honest.

And you say, I had a lot of fun. I'm not at a place where I want to date right now. I'm not dating. Make something up. But you're being positive there, right? Yeah. And you're saying, wow, this was great. Yeah.

Give her a little affirmation. And then be like, you know, I'm not in a place to pursue anything. I also think sometimes. I wish you the best of luck. Don't ghost. Depending on where you met and, you know, if you meet them at 215 off the wagon or whatever. There's a gentleman's agreement. Yeah, there's a gentleman's agreement.

I hope so. This is a handshake deal we got here, Jerry. We're fucking doing this and I'm out. At what point? What if they become a little unhinged and they keep messaging you crazy shit? That's what I'm talking about. And you've already said no. I don't even think you have to respond

after that initial text. If they want more like an explanation either direction you don't owe them anything. You can just stop answering at that point. Go ahead and ghost. I think give the initial no thanks. There you go. Have you ever had to turn down a client because you got to vibe you as a creep? Yeah.

Nice. I'm sorry about that. Well, just more like if I don't feel like I can help someone or I don't want to work with them, then I say no. I'm in a fortunate place in my business where I'm not like taking every client I can get. It's like I'm at the high school every day. I can't meet a woman. Well, yeah. I mean, you guys want to plug some stuff?

Yeah. First off, you're on Instagram. I'm on Instagram, Dating by Blaine. Okay. On across all social. Nice. Hell yeah. And if you're having trouble, give her a look.

Yeah. She's been very awesome. I started approaching girls also. My other plug is just approach girls. Approach. There you go. That's good. That's good about you.

You seem like you really want people to get together. It's the real deal. It's like why I do what I do. It makes me so happy. That's great. Nothing makes me happier than when a client's like, oh my God, I met this woman. She likes me back. That's great.

I love to hear it. I love that. Yeah, we got Are You Garbage starting a big tour here. Yeah, we got a big theater tour coming up. We're doing the Tampa Theater in Tampa in April, which I just saw you were at. Beautiful. We're doing a theater in Atlanta.

We're doing one in Norwalk in the Wall Street, or the Wall Street Theater in Norwalk, Connecticut. We're doing the Wilbur. We're doing Town Hall and then a bunch more, but those are the big ones coming up that we're going to need some peeps out. Hell yeah. Yeah. All right.

MarkNormanComedy.com. I'm all over the place. Salt Lake City, Boise, Iowa. Wait, Idaho? Where's Boise? Idaho. Idaho. Idaho.

Idaho. Then we're going to Phoenix, Tucson, Austin, Raleigh. Hey, come to the Paramount. I'll be there. Bring the hubby. It's on me. Are you him? Can I see his wiener?

El Paso, Albuquerque. Can I show my kid your husband's wiener? I'm in L.A. Come on out. Buy some bodega. Happy Valentine's Day. What do you got there, Fetty? I don'tA. Come on out. Buy some bodega. Happy Valentine's Day. What do you got there, Fetty? I don't know when this comes out.

OKC, Irvine, Salt Lake, and then a new special at the Wilbur and Boston. Yeah. It's going to be great. Can't wait. And bodega. Jesus Christ. How do you do this? Oh, God.

I got a bum ticker over here. Jesus Christ. Have you ever noticed this? Sal Hughes, give me a Lipitor, will you? Oh, my God. You scared the shit out of me. That's only fun if you're the one doing it. I guess.

By the way. I'm called a Dick Cheney. Dude, I thought I got shot. Which way does it go? I don't want to do that. In movies where there are shootouts. Sal Hughes got a gun. Man, Sal Hughes looks like a shooter, too.

That's a amazing kid, though. Oh, hey, that was a good one. Happy Valentine's, incels. You guys are the best. See you guys soon, and see everyone on tour. Check out Blaine's stuff, and we love you guys.

Thank you, buddy. Thank you for having us. Stay strong, bird shit. Yeah. Yeah. Sunday's the day for my next offender. A bit of Pivarec, you know the beer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon.

And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope. And I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming. And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way. We might be true