We Might Be Drunk - Ep 168: Fahim Anwar & Sam Tallent

Episode Date: February 26, 2024

Fahim’s new special “House Money” premiers Feb 28th, Link Below: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbQczAcZb_0 Repeat guest and new guest, Fahim Anwar and Sam Tallent join us for a little hair of the dog. Mark was up all night with Shane Gillis working on some jokes with him and is still hung over. Nothing a litle boot and rally can't fix. 2 hours of great comedy insights. Joins us, share it, subscribe and come back each week! Fahim Anwar: https://www.fahimanwar.com/ Fahim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fahimanwar/ Sam Tallent's Special: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eIUA1jfEk0 Sam's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/samtallent/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Mark Normand: https://marknormandcomedy.com/#schedule!loading Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod Bodega Cat: http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters/   If you want to start a podcast contact [e-mail] for a discount on services when referred by WMBD!  Support the show & get grooming with Manscaped for 20% off &; free shipping. Head to https://www.manscaped.com & use code DRUNK

Hey folks here we are we might be drunk I'm hungover you're looking fresh you haven't drank in what a week I drank on Rogan okay and that Richard Jefferson episode set me the fuck back because I had an ulcer that I was like I was something's wrong I don't want to be the party pooper. Sure. We got an NBA player here drinking with us. You got that right. I drank both of us. Oh, yeah.

And that next morning, I was like, fuck. Got the endoscopy yesterday, and I was, yeah, goddamn. Wow. This is from the comedy show. You need someone to pick you up. It's like an abortion. We got to get you home. I got propofol, whatever michael oh really knock me the fuck

out whoa and it's and you have to fight not to make because they put the thing in your mouth and it's the big tube yeah big circle you have to fight not to be like no dicks in here you know but uh yeah i uh i woke up like whoa and i did three sets you saw me i did three sets last night because devito's running the hour i want to be there to yeah support very impressive so what does it also feel like is it burning it's stinging kind of it's just like sharp like really upper abdominal ah oh man that's not silent reflux or acid reflux it's kind of it's kind of similar okay yeah because uh our friend joe list has silent reflux and he gets the cobblestone throat. It bubbles up. Oof.

Yeah. It's all gross. It's gross. I think of the guy in Dumb and Dumber. My ulcer. Yeah. Yeah, I need my pills. That's a-

Ketchup, mustard. Classic. Dude, yeah, I was under, man. I was fucking out of it. What a wild man. You're under the gun at the hospital in a hospital gown. Oh, yeah. Propofol, Michael Jackson, then you go do sets.

Yeah. Well, you know, I had some coffee. I was fine. Which also, though, like chill with the coffee. I'm like, I can't wake up with that. I'm on Propofol. Oh, yeah. True.

I got to wake up. Bet you slept pretty good, though. I was fucking out, dude. It's pretty crazy how hard that knocks you out. You got any more? I could use a nap. Oof. It felt good.

Yeah, I bet. There's no sleep better than a pill-induced. I got a crazy one for you. So, did I tell you I lost my laptop? No. I left my laptop on, I went to Dallas, i left my laptop on in the seat completely my fault it was a brain fart the tray was broken yeah i usually throw it on try to edit some shit do some joke writing whatever and uh it was broken so i was like i'll just put it in here read a book

put it in there totally forgot it oh terrible system yep i call i i realize once i'm in the hotel i'm like i left my fucking laptop brutal damn it i'm trying to edit jokes i'm trying to it's so much harder i'm doing the notebook which is great yeah for writing but it's a little it's annoying to like shift stuff of course but uh i call and of course there's a million hoops to go through they keep sending into people who are like i don't know. And then they go, it takes 14 days to get from the plane to lost and found. I was like, and I said, well, that's a bad system. Yeah. Two weeks.

You got to be aware that that's bad, though. Like, it's not great. That's a fortnight. I said to the woman on the phone, I could buy a pill that will kill a baby today. And she was like, I don't know how that helps you. I'm like, it doesn't. But I'm trying to make a point. Yes.

Yes. Lost and found is a lot of work to do to catch up. Right. You probably get a gun quicker than that, too. Ten days, probably. Ten days. Background check. I would say probably ten, right?

Give it a goog. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, and you could be mentally ill and get a gun. You lose your gun. Well, you can't bring your gun to flight, I guess. That's true. Yeah, they get that at security. You don't have a bit like this, do you?

I was going to run this by you. Maybe we'll just do the pod i have a joke about so i ran i started this joke on the pod it's hitting but i go uh you know guns they're like a baby you know they're uh you know they're easy to hate but then you hold one and you're like and you're like uh that's great and you're like yeah it's kind of cool. I get it. I had guns like babies, both annoying on airplanes. Ah. Both, if you date someone new, you're like, this could be a problem. Both going to be in a school soon. Oh, that's great. You don't have anything like that. No, no.

I had a holding my guns are like dicks. If you whip it out, it scares people. You know, hopefully it's not loaded. Mine saw it off. But this is great. Gun jokes. Something about how they're loud. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah, there's a lot here. The silencer on the BB. Yes. Yeah, especially on a plane. Yeah. That's good. Gun, rifle, Uzi.

You were just in Boise. Yeah. That's a fucking. Bitch of a flight. Bitch of a flight. Bitch of a flight. Had to go a day early. I hate the day early, you know me. Unless you have two shows and you're like, I'm going early for one show.

Yes. The two show night, you're like, all right, it's a lot to roll the dice on if I land, you know, but. Totally. One show. Brutal, but I got to say, Boise, all the way on the other side of the country, Idaho, they love comedy. They appreciate comedy. It sold out quick. And the crowd was killer.

So I had a great time. And Boise is a cute little town. It's clean. It's quiet. It's nice. Yeah. Everyone's friendly there because the dudes are like 6'8". They're like big honkies.

They're like Peters. They look like Paul Bunyan. Yeah. Paul, a lot of Patagonia, a lot of L.L. Bean, all that shit. Yeah, it's kind of like a lot of those cities, they all feel like Burlington. Yes, exactly. The mountains are in the distance, and I'm at a coffee shop. I'm like, so what's the thing with Boise?

Because I'm trying to get material for the local jokes. And I'm like, what do you got here? What's the delicacy? What's the motto? Something. And they all go, huh. Yeah, I don't know. Like, you grew up here?

Like, lived here 40 years. I'm like, give me something about the town. I'm like, you grew up here? They're like, lived here 40 years. I'm like, give me something about the town. They're like, well, we got scenery. We got hiking. And I'm like, go. I mean, New York, it's like pizza, subway, rats, Wall Street. Something's happening, for sure. Something's happening.

You can say anything. Yeah, migrants beating up cops. I can give you something. Something, yeah. 9-11 uh pizza gate who the hell knows but uh yeah they have nothing but there there it is it's a cute town we always say veter and i always say you can always tell it's a good coffee shop on the road if it's a trans barista they're gonna make you a good latte it's like you're like all right that's so true

yeah little cool coffee shop if there's got a a trans barista always i went to one in boise called district me and andy haynes uh had had coffee there and wrote some jokes i can't believe you used to not drink coffee because it's like such a essential part of our lives you know it's huge yeah i can't live without it now when i'm hung over the first thing i just go right for that coffee and i feel like it helps a hangover like 30 we you know what we need is a Bodega Cat coffee. Yes. Once we get Bodega Cat, like BodegaCat.com, BodegaCatWhiskey.com.

Oh, yeah. But I think like we get similar flavors with like a bourbon coffee. It'd be really cool. Love it. That's a great idea, and it's not illegal or whatever. This has been a fucking nightmare. We'll get it. Guys, if you can get us distribution help, we're about to dip in our own fucking pockets and we're trying to beat dos oros those

cunts we had we had a liquor first we're gonna go storm the pat mcafee show awkwardly and try to push our our hooch that's it did they promote on pat mcafee oh they stumbled on there it was awkward and weird really yeah i mean it was funny burt took his shirt off they had some some young uh quarterback like this hot cool black guy and he's like who the fuck are you he was trying to hawk his energy drink and it was a funny moment it's so funny how famous they are in our world yeah they do arenas but like you know you're a quarterback you're still like what exactly that's not my world i know he was like 22 he's like who is this what do you do why is this guy shirtless he's doing push-ups that was great it was like when howard stern was at a courtside game and he was mad none of the players recognized him it's

like well dude it's 2024 they were gonna recognize you in 98 yeah they're like is that angelica who's that share yeah there you go i didn't know that meant two bears i guess that makes sense yeah that's cool vodka is a tougher world it's a tougher world yeah competitive because the top shelf vodkas are like i mean goose ain't going nowhere no one ain't going nowhere right like and i thought him and tito's were like in cahoots, but I guess he's going against Tito's. We got to figure this out, dude. Yes, we will. We're pushing it, baby.

They already got more merch than us. They're killing it. Our merch is cool, dude. We got good merch. They got cool merch. It looks good. Stop promoting them. We need more help than they do. I should have brought it up.

There we go. There's some merch. No way. Did you really make We Might Be Drunk shoes? What? Holy shit. Did Trump inspire you? That is hilarious.

Who the fuck's wearing these? I don't know. I mean, go buy them immediately. Sure. But our faces are on there. I don't know about that. That's rough. Although I don't know with a suit that could look kind of cool.

That's true. I can't do a high top. I got sensitive ankles. I'm not a big high top guy either i don't like the constriction i feel it i wear them sometimes but i don't even for basketball they used to like tell you you have to wear high tops in the 90s and now everything now all the players are wearing low tops i know did you pump no i love that rock snl thing. What was that? The Thanksgiving thing. Just pump it. You don't remember that? I don't remember that. We got to pull that.

Pump it big. Hey. Holy shit. Here we go. What's shaking, fatty? What's up? Yeah, sit down. All the way from Los Angeles.

I'm running around doing pods. That's how I got out. Hey. Where were you before this? Soders. Oh, all right. Nice. I just did soders.

Oh, yeah. He gives you a pack of cards. What? I didn't get a pack of cards. It's a new thing he does. I swear to God, like, I almost cried because I haven't gotten a pack of cards since I was like 13. Hoops.

NBA hoops. Fuck. I love that. What the hell? Soda. What the hell? It's like flowers for men. Honestly, dude, like, I had to take, I went through like a flashback of when I was 13

and shit. Because when's the last time as a grown man you've like i haven't and so like the whole ritual of it and shit oh yeah it was awesome you never did the comic book cards did you no i never got into that it was more my speed a little bit like marvel yeah that was what's the big one to get like spider-man rookie card i don't know parker in high school yeah Uncle Joe. What is it? Uncle Ben. That's like getting a coach card, the Uncle Ben card. It says with great power comes great responsibility. You're like, fuck this.

I have a million of these. They remade Spider-Man so many times. It's like, that's why the Spider-Verse one was kind of cool, because it was like, at least they went a different way for once. Well, let's take a bet. Are there more Spider-Mans or Fast and Furious? Spider-Man. I'm going to say Furious.

Oh. What, there's 10 Furiouses? There's so many fucking Furiouses. A lot of Furious. I feel like the franchise really hit its stride when they did away with physics. Maybe there are more. There's so many. When they did away with what?

Physics. Ah, right. Because they were like grounded in reality. You know they were having writer's block after number three. Right. Then they're like, okay, what if we don't do physics yeah like i always imagine they had like a physics consultant in the room and then he kept on squashing all the great ideas and they're like you want to like stand outside like we'll call you when we need you

physics are real tell that to paul walker oh my god all right he uh it is so weird man like dying dying that way i know that's like luke sky that's like Luke Scott. What's his name? Mark Hamill really getting his hand cut off. That's crazy. I was in the theater. Sal Volcano used to do a thing where they would rent out a theater and have all their Practical Jokers fans watch a movie with them, and they had mics, and they would trash the movie. It was so cool.

I was like, this is what celebrity is? Sign me up. But they invited me, and when Paul Walker came on, they did like a RIP, whatever. And the whole audience cried. Oh, man. Wow. Yeah, it was a tough moment. We're all trying to be funny on the mics.

And then that happened. We're like, so. Oof. What the hell? That was the shit, though. I remember the, someone did that show at the Creek. And I remember doing it. It was like a mystery science theater type thing.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember that. But like a mystery science theater type thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember that. But that was kind of fun doing those. Oh, yeah. They brought that back. That'd be a good Patreon idea for this. Oh, that's a great idea. Talking movies?

All right. What do we got on Spider-Man versus Fast Five? They're currently tied. 10-8. Tied! Look at that. All right. All right.

Well, because there's three Tobey Maguires. There's how many Andrew Garfield, right? Three? Two. But what if there's a Furious? Yeah, but you... It's really going to open things up. But you open...

But dude, are you counting like Avengers movies? Spider-Man's in those too. And the cartoons too. Oh, good point. It's all about family. I've never seen one Fast and the Furious. What? I remember when the first one came out.

Same. I was in high school, and then everyone was peeling out of the parking lot. Yeah. It just juiced everyone up. They couldn't help it. Guys in minivans and shit were like, oh, they thought they were Vin Diesel. That's true. Going over curbs and shit.

Every car was just peeling out of there. Well, there's something about a movie that makes you want to do the thing. That's why I took my wife to see Two Girls, One Cup. Right. Yeah. You know, just plant the seed. They had fun. Both leaving skid marks.

All right. Danica Patrick. Is that her name? No, that's the racer. This is the chick from Fast and the Furious. Wrong race. Yeah. Was she good?

She was good. She was? What's her name uh dakota fanning no oh she was she was hot so hot probably i'm kind of into that uh michelle rodriguez just because i feel like she'd really fuck my face she's wearing a wife beater in her like every movie she's wearing a wife beater yeah she's hot oh look at that yeah good looking lady all right i've never seen one of them. And I think I remember that phase, but I think it was more like.

Side boob. I can't drive really. So I was more like just being like, ah, you know, crossing sidewalks. Like, fuck this guy. Yeah. Right, right. That's interesting. So you don't drive at all?

I don't want to put someone through that. I have a license, but I'm just too bad at it. I wonder how you intake a movie like Fast and the Furious when you don't drive. Right. You can't put yourself in that character because you can't. The same way I take in The Wrestler. I'm like, I can't do that, but that's cool. You have a point.

Although you've got a drunken knight. The whole movie is just a sad guy on the road. Is it? The Wrestler? Oh, yeah, pretty much. That's true. Yeah, I guess I relate. You're right. I guess I relate to it. you know hey that's the whole the whole movie's just a sad guy on the road is it the wrestler oh yeah pretty much that's true yeah i guess i relate you're right i guess i relate to but i've never seen the fast and the furious movie okay yeah i mean i i know people love them i just haven't it's you're not missing like i think me and my brother we went and saw a late one like a late series one maybe like five or six we were crying dude like it was like we were driving home

and just making our own, and making fun of the movie. Like, it's good if you like that type of thing, but it was like fun to watch in that way. Yeah. Because I think they out,

like the parking structure was being destroyed. It was imploding and he was able to out drive the implosion. Like it, like a control demo. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

So Vin Diesel was able to like outrun the parking garage crumbling. Yeah. And we were just laughing so hard. It's bad. And then they added Statham and the Rock are fighting. It's just gone into a whole other strata.

Hobbs versus Shaw. That's the one. All right. There's all kinds of extra characters. We're off racing now. Just like fist fights and buildings and shit. Yeah. But it started with just racing.

It started with street racing. It started with like just racing with street racing pink slips dude yeah you never know what's gonna turn into a franchise that's crazy that they're like i remember that movie i'm like yeah pass and then they're like yeah we're gonna make nine more of these that's pretty much yeah it's the american way man the demand is there they made three transformers yeah look there's not more i thought there's more I think it's three I think there's more this whole podcast we're gonna find out how many

we're just looking up movies find out how many Paddingtons there are speaking of the seven transformers what see

wow that'd be funny if the end is just about trans people that's what the seventh one's about yeah it's just called

transitions all the same at the end of the day yeah it's just called transitions all the same at the end of the day yeah it's just elliot page um seven films jesus we are cowards and won't make a new idea we're out of creativity they need proof they need an ip they won't make it if it's not a lot they don't they're not imaginative no but we used to have a pulp fiction by a big fat greek wedding there was there was a indie that people took a chance well now we get things like uh the last of us and you know what i mean like it's shifted into cool like ozark so it's in that space now we don't get those cool movies anymore like goodwill hunting and

true it's gone to tv i think Breaking Bad kind of kicked that open. By the way, Megan Fox, very attractive, dating Machine Gun Kelly. You see that shirtless photo of him? Let me see. Woo, baby. He got a bunch of tattoos blotted out, so now he's like full black. You got to check it out. It went viral yesterday, the photo.

Come on, Peters. Don't fail me now. Wait, he got them blotted out. Why don't you me see the photo come on peter don't fail me now you got him blotted out why don't you just get him removed isn't that there it is look at that what the fuck yeah i know he's like a black panther four the hell is that see you want to get them all covered up wild i don't understand why yeah i don't know he outgrew him i guess but now he looks like a newspaper stamp that looks fucking weird that's crazy man that's quite a household over there that feels like doesn't get hot like even with the shirt off it's like it's a shirt when he doesn't want to right it's like a black car i feel like that's like irresponsible to do as a doctor yeah a lot of tattoo artists you're like i can't or a doctor. A lot of ink. Tattoo artist, you're like, I can't. Or a doctor.

I said doctor did that. And is it like printer ink where they're like, geez, man, you're killing me. I can't afford this. Yeah. Yeah, the tattoo artist is HP desk jet or whatever. That's like gold. Fucking horrible.

Somebody said he looks like he's out of Dune. It does look like a sci-fi character. Dune is, I don't know if i had to read those books i watched the first one i was like i don't really you know like people fucking love it so i feel bad saying this even but i thought momoa was badass i thought he was cool as shit he's always fun but there was something they pulled up someone was saying that they uh there's a scene where he like walked up to timothy chalamet and he's like you've been working out and he's like he's like uh do i look good he's a scene where he walked up to Timothy Chalamet and he's like, you've been working out? And he's like, do I look good? And he's like, no.

He's like fucking with him. And they're like, is this in the book? And everyone's like, no, it's not. They just put that in to fuck with Chalamet, I guess. Oh, really? I can't do it. I tried. It's just so slow.

It's slow. It's long. In the sand. I know. Come on. No one's laughing. There's not one smile in the whole movie. I hate to sound like that guy. How about a smile? But I'm like, come on. No one's laughing. There's not one smile in the whole movie. I hate to sound like that guy.

How about a smile? But I'm like, come on, folks. Yeah, it wasn't my cup of jizz, as Mark would say. There's not one joke in that movie. And they just keep turning to Zendaya. She's like, turn. I'm like, do something. Something, yeah.

What the hell's happening? Dude, dramatic. Give me the big vagina, whatever that thing is in the back. They're going to kill us in the comments for this, because I bet nerds are going to be like, this is like when we were shitting on batman and people were like fuck you dude really the new one or what the new one yeah and they were like we love it yeah we're patents and fans i saw a fun uh i'm a fan of him too i just didn't love it i didn't love it either that was boring fun meme was uh i like dune too dune 2 chicks at one time. That's not my joke.

I saw it. The memes, dude. On the internet. I'm an old man now. There's Shrek. Dude, that does look like a pocket puss or a fleshlight. It's a giant fleshlight, that earthworm. It's a fleshlight you ain't coming out of.

Oh, yeah. I mean, it kind of looks like that creature from Tremors. Yes. Remember with Kevin Bacon? Yeah, great movie. And Fred Ward. RIP. That's right.

I believe there's a Tremors 2. Find out how many Tremors there are. There is a Tremors 2. I watched it. Yeah, I don't know. They might have done a Tremors reboot even. I feel like I almost have like big budget movie fatigue because now it's like all big budget movie.

It's like mostly big budget movie fatigue because now it's like all big budget movie. You know, it's like mostly big budget movie. So I'm like, I don't need to see another Marvel movie. I'm good. I'm fucking. What? Seven? God damn. There's as many Transformers as there are Tremors.

Tremformers. Yeah. You guys see Dune? I liked it better the first time when it was called Tremors. What are you, Dennis Miller? Yeah. Wait, wait, what did you just say? A lot of these big budget movies.

Oh, yeah. I was talking to someone the other day. He goes, you know, there's a dune that explains the movie. You watch it with this person. I'm like, okay, this isn't a David Lynch movie. I guess the first one was, right? But it's not like Mulholland Drive where it needs someone to break down scene by scene. You see those types of movies as an escape, don't you?

Yes. Also, this is the first time in history that the studio makes you watch the movie. You go, this is an 824? I'll watch that. No one went like, oh, is this Paramount? Put it on. Miramax, let's fucking go. Yeah.

I'm Miramax at the moment. They had some bangers. Pulp Fiction, Good Will Hunting. Yeah, they had some bangers yeah but yeah it's the weinstein yeah weinstein killed it that guy fucking rocked made some good movies he did jizz in a plant yeah but yeah first time the studio matters right a24 is just such a brand yeah whatever it is they know. It bugs me when companies know they're cool. I know.

Like FX has that thing now where they're like fearless. I'm like, all right, calm down. It's just TV. Yeah. We're fearless. I'm like, were you? I mean, was it like a really fucking big risk to make Fargo? I know.

Fucking one of the best movies ever. We're fearless. Fearless. You just walk in. We know. Yo, how angry are you if you're the rest of the cast that he just blew up all your residual money because you got taken?

You know what I mean? If you're Theo or Rudy or Claire, you're like, fuck, I was making so much money. You got a point. Who else has fucked up residuals for people? Charlie Sheen? No, that's still on do you think cause the cosby show will is it is it being run i don't know i think it is overseas it must be somewhere right

i'm sure we could find that great show like changed the world sure change the country yeah it was it was a good show do you think it's just a period of time and then they'll like slide it back in yeah they'll slide it back in probably i almost feel like um i'm gonna have this not when it comes to cancellations and stuff i think if you're an actor or you're you're in a field that women care about that's a canceling that lasts like a very very long time but athletes they kind of they're like all right we're doing some action for like a week and then women don't pay attention they're like all right i get back into the league you know what i mean like if you went through some of the shit that some of these athletes have done oh miles beyond what some guys in certain places miles bridges beat the shit out of his girlfriend and

then he was back in the league he's playing again wow but it's like you know also there's a shorter life of a athlete i guess so they're like yeah but also i feel like less women watch sports and care about so there's less there's lightning rod. I think you're right. I don't want that dude on my team, though. You have to be like, go Bridges. Ah, fuck. But a lot of guys don't care. Some guys are like, if he helps our team, he's reformed.

I don't want that. Roethlisberger, same thing. He got accused or whatever, and I think he got guilty, but he's out there. I think he probably raped. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You know what? They should let you play, but they should he probably raped yeah that's what i'm saying he's still you know they should let you play but they should write probably raped on the back of your jersey instead of rothlisberger probably but i think you're right ellen got got a ton of a world of shit because that's a woman yes world yes but also pretending you're one thing and then like yeah

your brand doesn't when your brand is like i'm awesome i'm so nice i dance with people and then like, when your brand is like, I'm awesome, I'm so nice, I dance with people and then you're awful to everybody. Dishonesty. They want people to be, you know. It is pretty funny to have that brand

of dancing with people and then behind the scenes being like, don't make eye contact with me. I know. Pick a coffee, throw it in an intern's face. Just be like,

and then just like, don't speak to me. Yeah, it's like the Republican senator who's like, God hates fags and he's blowing guys. There's always that overcompensation. Whereas if he just blew guys from the jump, no one would care. Yeah. His base would care still probably.

That's a good point. Maybe the base. Yeah, it's always the base. But yeah, you're right about I think people, if they don't care about the thing they're they don't really know it might not even hear about it right yeah like the lizzo they got her on uh fat shaming which is just classic because she's so fat and your whole thing is like body positivity so when you call the the backup dancers fat you're fucked you can't go against your your brand what are you pulling up here uh cosby's streaming on a black owned

oh tv channel called tv one there you go or you can buy it on amazon but i mean it used to be on everything well you know the thing about it is like i was watching an episode of mad men on i think was on amazon and it was the blackface episode so there was a disclaimer that came on before that said uh we're not okay with this and i'm like yeah no shit it's a fucking show about people doing bad shit like you don't put that before soprano's episode where he where he curb stomps a gay guy yeah i don't know why you have to put this on before hbo supports every part of this but then so i think about that like are they gonna have to put a disclaimer like bill cosby was not a good man enjoy probably yeah Probably, yeah. Yeah, I mean, they do it with smoking even.

Hey, there's smoking in this. Isn't that ridiculous? Crazy. Smoking. Editing out things. You know what? Why don't you watch it through a time portal? Like, think about, hey, this was a different time,

and that's cool. Of course. That would be a quicker warning to say, this was released in 1996. Yes. Or you know what I mean? Things were different. It's like milk used to be a nickel.

Now it's five bucks. Things change. Yeah. But you can't be like, they charged a nickel. They stole. Right. I mean, do you have jokes that you used to do and you think about now? You're like, oh, I would never do that.

Of course. Of course. Many. I know. Same. I have many of those jokes where I'm like, oof. Oh, yeah. But that's also like the world changing and you changing.

I mean, that's just natural. Do you guys feel like retard is coming back? Yes. Big time. I feel like retard's coming back. I mean, you just said it. Exactly. So it's so back I felt comfortable.

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I'm in a safe space of saying it. It was gone for a bit, but I feel like people are a little emboldened. It's less of a third rail than it used to be. And no one hates retards. Like, if you make a black joke, you might actually be racist. But if no one is like, get these tards out of my neighborhood, you know, no one hates them.

They're very pleasant people. I agree. Except when they're angry. Very strong. They'll flip a U-Haul. people i agree except when they're angry very strong they'll flip a u-haul but just saying i think no one hates him and there's like flame retardant he's tardy like if you if you dance around the word i feel like the the mean word is actually less potent i always thought it was funny like from that moment where you couldn't really that point in history where you couldn't

really see a retard but then libtard was okay which is just like this weird great point you know what i mean like yeah we just have this joke where i'm like does it work like that you could just like lop off the first half and you could say libtard how come there's no ragged like a republican faggot right right yeah that's a good point yeah what we do that we pick and choose you know it's like hey don't don't call lena dunham fat because that's that's her body but if you're're like, hey, Trump's fat. And look at him in that wacky baseball outfit or Chris Christie, hilarious fat guy. Well, that was your old bit about Lena. Mark had a great bit about Lena Dunham, how women would always be like, she's beautiful.

And Mark would go, oh, yeah, you kind of look like her. And they'd be like, fuck you. True story. That bit's been ripped off by a lot of comments. That's true, yeah. But he did it first. Did it first and reposted it recently just to claim.

It's great when it's like, you can tell it's like an old set. Yeah. All right. Yeah, exactly. Sometimes someone will be like, oh, someone's doing this joke of yours, but like,

I already have it out in a special. So it's like, I don't care. Like, I don't do it anymore. And like, it's up to that comic at that point. Like, I'm not going to be fighting for this.

It's up to that person whether they want to continue to do it or not. Exactly's in a special you know like if i was doing it currently and it's part of my act then you have a conversation that happens with comics yeah yeah hey we have similar blah blah but if i've already canonized it then i'm like that's on them that's on them i completely agree yeah and they should drop it just because they now they seem unoriginal yeah but that's that's up to them as a comedian how they want to operate but i mean it's for the best because there might be another one that you didn't know about in your set now you got two now you got two now we got a compilation cooking yeah some internet nerd will figure that out and start

splicing it's tough when you look we're all more prolific than the last generation because we have to be, right? We have to keep putting out specials. And it's hard. I mean, you're going to step on people's shoes accidentally. There's going to be parallel thoughts. So even if you got a good rep, it's going to happen. Same, man. Like I do my works on Stuff Show, you know, and like I just throw a bunch of ideas out there.

And like sometimes someone in the comments will be like, oh, Norman has a joke like this. I'm like, oh, thanks, dude. It's like, you know, I love you. I love you too. Like I don't see all your stuff sometimes. Of course, of course. But I'm always like, thanks in the comments will be like, oh, Norman has a joke like this. I'm like, oh, thanks, dude. Yeah. It's like, you know, I love you. I love you too. Like, I don't see all your stuff sometimes. Of course. Of course.

So I'm like, but I'm always like, thanks for the heads up. A guy did that to me when I was doing like Zoom shows during COVID. I did a bit and I was like, Segura's got something kind of similar. I'm like, it's out. Yeah. I love that we have like comedy nerd fans, you know. Same. Happened to me recently with a joke on here where they're like, it's not the same joke,

but this part is like kind of similar to a Tosh joke. I just, I was like, I don't want to deal with it. You don't want to deal with it. Yeah, but sometimes these guys just want to get you. I had a guy. He goes, I did a 2012 clip. And this guy goes, that's a Mulaney bit on YouTube. And I wrote, well, when was his bit?

And he wrote 2016. And I go, well, this is 2012. And he never wrote back. Like, how about like, oh, shit. And I'll go yell at him now. Yeah. It happened to me with an Ellen joke. And someone called me on it. And I was like, same thing. 2012 and he never wrote back like how about like oh shit and i'll go yell at him now yeah it happened me with an ellen joke and my and someone called me on it and i was like same thing mine came out

first and i was like i'm sure she's not worried about it let's just fucking drop it exactly well how do you guys feel because like you say you have to keep on like we had to be a little more with my joke about scissoring women it was a big uh top shell i'd like to talk about scissoring oh yeah but i think like because it's louis stuff, like the hour a year, that was sort of our pace. We were coming up as young comics, so we thought that was like it, the hour a year. Louis saved and ruined comedy. Yes.

How so? Elaborate. Because he raised the bar so high because of how great he was. And he's still great. I mean, but then I think when someone is that good every comic thinks it's attainable and it's great that he gave us all something to shoot for but every comic can't pull off

the year year and a half model that Louis that Louis doing totally and there's a lot of watered down shit now now it's like there's like another guy's like I got another special and you're just like did you do the road did you do the work I think I don't think people saw the work that Louis was doing. Yes, yes.

Louis was doing the fucking road. And there's no gatekeepers now, so you can just put out a YouTube special and drop the hat. Which is great, though, as well. Great. It's also good. Pros and cons.

But also, I think people like the glory. Hey, I'm putting a thing out. How about you retweet me? How about you talk about me? Have me on your pod? I'm putting a thing out. So it's more about the buzz than it is about the actual quality of the material and but also if you're a really good comic i'm not talking about you obviously no no but i'm saying like i don't

fall on this right because i'm checking all the boxes i'm like okay it's been a year and a half now we like you i think if you if you're working you're working but i think we're talking about the people that aren't doing the work, you know? Uh, but yeah, I think Louie raised, he set the bar unbelievably high as, as a great standup will do. I mean,

he kind of, I think he changed it. I mean, Carlin was kind of the past generation in terms of like output. And Louie was kind of our generations. God bless you. Thank you. Well,

you guys, I feel, you know, cause I'm watching you from LA and stuff. You've entered the, you guys are ascending and stuff and you're at a point where you you have netflix specials and you've broken through to this like next level do you still feel that pressure to have the pace that you were doing it when on youtube and kind of like on your own because i feel like if you wanted to you could lay off the gas in terms of like output of specials.

Not that you're not able to. You guys are totally able to. But like, yeah, what's your thought on like the pace of specials at this point in your careers? Good question. You want to take that? I think you should keep the foot on the gas because I'm maybe a special case. If I take it off a little, I take it off a lot. So I got to go all the way or else

i'm not actually working you know it's like going to the gym and go like i'll lift two things i'll leave i feel you gotta go in and do the thing but uh i'm also a psycho and i think maybe you are too yeah uh so i think keep going and don't coast it's hard for me to coast it's very hard for me to relax like i i do like the the grind i do like the road same it does i i do feel sometimes i'm like fuck i don't i don't look or feel good right now schedules and i get anxiety i look at you post your dates and i'm like damn you're not the only person to say that to us but i also feel like that like that i'm like mark the second i take the foot off the gas i'm like it's fine but like i don't vacations don't really make me feel

rested same same i'm stressed i guess the first three days you kind of got to give yourself to it and then i'm like okay but i like doing something i like being busy i like uh and and my like i like doing something like reckless like instead of vacation, I just go ahead and get shit-faced or something and get a story. Yeah, guilty. But I don't – no, I feel absolutely the pressure to keep the foot on the gas and to keep writing and trying stuff, but not at the same level probably before. I think the last Netflix special I did, that was a quick turnaround

because I just wanted to get that out before I started a tour. And I wanted the tour to be on new stuff. So, yeah, I think the tour is now like Mark's going international and stuff. I did just in Australia. I'm going to go international. It's like you want the tour to last a little longer. And so I think it's a slightly longer turnaround. I see.

Yes. Because your tours are longer now. You're hitting more places. Yeah, yeah. And we're weird. You're probably more sane. I mean, I have that same bug that you guys have, but I don't have it on the road like you do.

Like this past year, to gear up for this hour, I've done more road than I have, which is like, it pales in comparison to you guys. I would pop out like two times a month at least two weekends a month oh that's pretty good like eight months or whatever so i hit a lot of like major u.s cities but i mean i'm always getting up in la like those at the comedy store those 15 minute sets around town so i grind a lot in in spots right and then so i just like do you feel like you could like really work out at the comedy store or not yeah well i've been there so long where like i'm a made guy like i i don't feel nervous like they know what i am you know what i mean like when you first get past somewhere

you're just trying to crush because you want them to you want them to slot you in their mind somewhere right yeah yeah worthy of this as a killer and just like they don't know what you are yet and so you're on eggshells a little bit so you're just trying to crush all the time but i've been there so long and they know that i'm good and and i know where i can work on new stuff and you keep that pace as a guy who just kills and you become a guy that doesn't write yeah so you have so you have to true you have to kind of not always crush for sure like if you're just crushing all the time then you're not growing like i want to try some jokes that don't work because then that means you're like uh stepping outside yourself

a bit or swinging yeah yeah so like earlier in the week in the or i'll try stuff if it's a tuesday or a wednesday i feel like it's a less of a high stakes type show a friday saturday it's more of a show show they have babysitters and shit so i can't pull out my yeah i feel we're doing it i could i'm with you but i just feel like i gotta give them a certain type of show that or is tough i'll do some of my tried and true in there and get you know it is a weird room dude like why uh because it's a very real room it's a very present room like you could have the greatest jokes in the world but if you if you're not present and you're not like a person and connecting with them yeah on an energy level first they can't even

receive whatever joke you could have the funniest jokes in the world but if you don't feel like real and three-dimensional um they turn off it's it's they sniff it out it's weird i don't know what i know exactly i don't know what it is about that room. Because there's some hilarious people who have great jokes. But they come at it and they approach it like it's a 400-seater. There's so much leeway. When there's a ton of people, you don't have to be super nuanced. You can just have razor-tight jokes.

Yeah, you go up to the main room with your act and you kill. Then you go to the OR and they're like, there's a weird wall. Yeah, it's more jazz. How many seats is it? It's more like 150, 200. Wow. Also, people are coming in and out of there. It's always like rotating seats.

And then you can see the fucking Sunset Boulevard out that window. So there's a lot of distractions going on. And the light comes on. It's this blue star. Everyone knows it's the light. I hate when you can see comics in the doorway. I like it, though. I don't like that. I mean, you can see comics in the doorway. I like it, though. I don't like that.

I mean, especially when I'm working on shit. I want to do it in the shadows. Same. You know? Yeah, yeah. But that room, that's such a good point about you got to connect with him. Like Kumail. Remember that guy?

Yeah. You didn't remember. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. He's back in his stand-up now. He's back, baby. He's back, baby. He's ripped.

He was an old pal of mine. I never saw him bomb once in New York. Not once! Wow. And we're doing bar shows, back rooms, all kinds of horse shit, like Brooklyn stuff. Never saw him bomb. And I go, how the hell do you do that? And he goes, I always riff up front, even if it's a bullshit riff, because it just connects

us. And then I go into the material, where I was going up and going, Uber's weird. And they were like, who, what, huh? But he would go and riff and talk to a guy in the front row or make fun of the ceiling or whatever and it always worked for sure that confidence puts you at ease yes it's not like somebody because you wouldn't start a conversation like that with someone true you know just something tying you to the present yeah as a comedian when you open is invaluable because then they trust that you're like a sane person who is uh feeling what they're feeling and in the same situation you know exactly and it is awkward for a

guy to just walk up and talk like it's weird it's like you said you wouldn't do that in a conversation and what we're doing is a weird thing hey i'm sitting here you talk into a microphone at me hopefully i'll laugh that's a very strange relationship yeah yes so you have to go hey we're here we're queer just yeah especially when it's a smaller ship yeah then it's more like that but if you're walking out to 500 people or a thousand you could just go into it if you want to exactly isn't seinfeld like that does he just like gone just goes in yeah he doesn't go what would you eat today no no no same with louis louis just goes right in like he's all about the writing yeah i mean if it's your crowd and that helps also that level

of fame they're kind of like he's gonna be funny right they trust you already yeah yeah but i i do love that connecting that is really it's it's one of those things you can't describe and you can't teach it you just gotta do it over and over and learn it. I remember just a simple topical riff too. I remember the day Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett died, Ted Alexandra went on stage, and he goes, what a day. Shaq to the calves. Crushed.

Crushed. Because it was like to open with that, it just showed so much confidence. Totally. He was always great at that. He would just walk on stage, and you're immediately glued to him, and he would go, strawberry daiquiri, margarita, nice. Oh, what is that, light beer?

And you're just like, I can't take my eyes off this guy. Yeah. Ted's funny. Yeah, I like Ted. Funny guy. Hopefully he's still around. He is around. He moved to Connecticut, I think. Oh, really? He's got a family, but he's around. There you I like Ted. Funny guy. Hopefully he's still around. He is around. He moved to Connecticut, I think.

Oh, really? For the family, but he's around. There you go, T-Dog. He had some classic bits. I remember he had a, he was on like Dr. Katz back in the day. Oh, really? Dr. Katz, so many of the best comics.

I know. I discovered like Louis and Attell on Dr. Katz. Yeah, Hedberg, Ray Romano. But yeah, Gary Shanley and Chappelle, like everyone. But I remember he had a bit about like, you ever ask someone how they're doing, and they're, like, too, they're like, how are you? They're like, amazing. You have to take them down a notch.

You're like, okay. You know, they're like, how are you doing? Great. Good. You know? Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, you have to upgrade them, rather. Or you're like, how are you doing?

Good. Great. That's great.'s great yeah yeah such like a subtle great observation yeah he had a million of them he had that one about uh he went to the butcher and he's like can i get some like a steak and he goes you want grade a beef he's like give me the special needs beef not getting grade a he has this great bit about uh watching uh or is it a young lebron dunk on all these like white kids and oh yeah yeah no it was zion it was zion oh zion that's what yeah funny what was that bit

he had about connecting flights if i have to connect in man's ass oh i'd rather go direct sexual preference he goes he goes it's not a preference it's like what i want right i don't want it like a, like a direct flight is my preference. Yes. He goes, but if I have to connect in man's ass, I'm canceling the trip. That's great. He always had funny shit. That's awesome.

Killer. He's a beast. Killer Letterman sets. Oh, yeah. Do you miss, like, you did late night sets, right? Yeah. I kind of miss doing them a little bit. You guys were like the last ones carrying the torch, just doing it a ton of times.

It's been a while. It's just hard for us to do it these days because I would still do it, but they're just so picky about the work. I know. What was your thought or your philosophy behind doing so many late nights? You've done how many by now? 12. So many. Nine or 10 probably.

I don't know. And then you're just like, I want to keep doing them. What's the thought? It is a fun experience. People go, what's the point? They get no Nine or 10, probably. I don't know. And then you're just like, I want to keep doing them? What's the thought? It is a fun experience. People go, what's the point? They get no views. TV's dead. You have one clip that does better than that.

I'm like, it's an experience. I go down to 30 Rock. I talk to Jimmy Fallon. I got a suit on. Some other Katie Holmes is there. Martha Stewart's doing blow. It's fun. It's just TV.

So it's really experiential right at the end of the day yeah and it was i like doing it and i just liked having like a catalog of jokes living somewhere that too because uh you're like maybe i get hit by a bus tomorrow and i you know people like oh he had some good late night sets yeah i just liked watching them growing up i liked watching like i discovered guys like ronnie guys like Ronnie Shakes or just random guys. I was like, oh, these guys got good jokes, you know, on late nights. So I always wanted to do them. But, yeah, you're right.

They don't move the needle. No. Ronnie Shakes died jogging. Really? Fun fact. He had a great joke. He goes, I saw a guy walk into the ocean to try to kill himself, but I knew he wasn't going to commit because he brought a towel. I butchered it.

He had a lot of great shit. Oh, yeah. My therapist said something after two years that brought tears to my eyes. No hablo ingles. He had some bangers, man. Bangers. A lot of those old school guys. I mean, that's what I mean.

We talk about them. I mean, comics like that i loved i love late night sets i remember seeing like a tell on conan or oh yeah oh yeah or head break on um letterman i saw i he didn't do conan too i think he did yeah yeah my mom loves those applause breaks yeah that was crazy to see because just some guy going outside the box like that. Yeah, he was so fucking good. I see people trash him and I'm just like, what are you talking about? Mitch?

Really? Who's trashing him? People say he's like corny. Corny? What are you talking about? Brilliant. I know. I agree.

I love him. Wow. Well, you can't be corny if you spawn a whole generation of comics. I forgot who was saying this. Like comics who have babies like in terms you know figuratively like dane had a bunch of babies mitch hedberg had a bunch of babies atel had a bunch of babies so mitch can't be corny if he spawned like so many even today you'll see some comics that are kind of mitch influence nick cannon had a lot of babies too

who nick cannon that's true i had this joke where i'm like do you think nick cannon's accountant said like i crunched the numbers and you never have to wear a condom again i'm like um most people have fuck you money nick cannon has fuck you and finish inside money oh he's good yeah it was okay it was all right the first part did better than the second part by the way he does not enjoy tweets about him oh really no no he followed me because i did a tweet making fun of him once and i was like that was i think he wished he could be like fuck you jew boy yeah probably instead he just followed me here's the thing like let you know there's this thing about nick cannon whatever maybe it's corny maybe it's not but like uh maybe it was roy wood jr was talking about it like what

he did for comedy with wyland out in terms of like black comedians and stuff and other comedians as well, like as a factory, is pretty commendable, man. How long has that been on? That's a good point. That's a huge show. Like Mikey Day came out of there. I'm trying to think who else. It's a comedy sweatshop.

DC Youngfly. Yeah. They make slightly more than Apple employees. I like to go. Yeah. That'd be funny if you guys were on Wiling Out. I would love to do Wiling Out. No, you wouldn't. I would love to do Wiling Out. Bring me on. I like to, yeah. That'd be funny if you guys run Wile & Out. I would love to do Wile & Out. No, you wouldn't.

I would love to do Wile & Out. Bring me on. I'm good with black comics. Yeah, but you don't want to rap. No. Oh, you have to rap? No. Do you?

Yeah. Just have a pinch rapper. I'll write some, I can do a hippity to the hop, a hip hip hop. That could work. Some whitey, whitey rap.

Let me pee real quick. I gotta. All right, he's gotta pee. I might make a drink because I'm wildly hungover. I'm not gonna lie to you. Let me pee real quick. He's got to pee. I might make a drink because I'm wildly hungover. I'm not going to lie to you. All right, keep it going, man. I'm just going to do like a hair of the dog here. What is that?

What is hair of the dog? Yeah. Jesus Christ. I've heard of it, but. That's when you drink again to get over the hangover. You start it back up. A little hair like a Bloody Mary in the morning is the hair of the dog. It works?

It works because your body is going through a withdrawal. So when you have another sip, you're back. You're back. Are you delaying the inevitable, though? Completely. It's a total fuck you to your body. You're like, I need to solve this this now so give me a drink but i could just wait it out and feel better right but i'm impatient i get it if you don't mind all right

what are you doing in town i'll do one yeah i'm doing it come on yeah what brings you to the nyc pods to promote the spash hey youtube youtube hell yeah we love you i have an exclusive contract with youtube i don't i have a i have a first look deal with youtube everything i produce must be uploaded to youtube at first well this is what it is baby who needs the uh honestly kind of i mean i look to guys like you and and sam and that the model now. Sort of like do it on your own. And then they'll scale it at a later time. And it's just so freeing and liberating to not even for so long, man. Like I've been at it for like 21 years at this point. It's always like, hey, do you like this? Do you like this 15? Do you like this 30? Blah, blah, blah. And they're just a hot chick. And it's so cool to not need them anymore. Yes. And they can't even, it's not what it was. And it's just, they can help like boost

if you've got shit already going on. Like you're already popping off. It's great to do a Netflix. Like he's already popping off. It's great to scale it. So it's just very, it's mentally freeing just to know, oh, just do my IG, do my YouTube. Yes. And then take it as it comes. Right, it's like very, um, it's, um, mentally freeing just to know, Oh, just do my IgE, do my YouTube and then take it as it comes.

Right. It's like a business. You're just running a business. Oh, I'll do a little bodega and soda. If you don't mind, I can, I can make it,

but I got to pee too. Hold on. He's talking about his special. All right. Talk to me. Yeah. Yeah. Who's just like,

where's it going? I'm like, I'm like YouTube. That's the thing. I'm just keep on building it. And at a later time, if Netflix or whatever, it makes sense to do so and they want to, then okay. But, yeah. You just want most people to see it.

And that's kind of the YouTube route, right? Yeah. I think, look, there's more avenues. I feel like a couple years ago it was Netflix or YouTube only. And now I feel like i'm doing my next one for amazon you know yeah i i think you know like nate's did great on amazon sure they've done well on amazon so i'm like i think uh as long as people have it the ones that worry me are like hbo or yeah yeah where i don't know if people have i know people watch tv shows on them i know like

look look i have them but does that mean everyone in the middle of the country has yeah i don't know if people i know people watch tv shows on them i know like look look i have them but does that mean everyone in the middle of the country has yeah i don't think everyone has everyone has youtube yes yes you know and especially everyone has amazon prime because they order shit everyone has netflix um because it's the biggest you know right and you already have one on netflix so like the amazon one makes sense. Like then you're on multiple things. I think YouTube is just like, I just think about like you want to reach young people and new people and young people. It's so easy to just share a link. I thought for years about how I did with Comedy Central. And they're like, I'd be like, all right, watch my thing at 11 p.m. on Friday.

And even then, you were fucking are you a retard that's what they would say pretty much we're bringing it back we're bringing it back man we're gonna inspire people we're gonna inspire a gender a generation of people and what uh like what what do you go for length like how long this one's gonna be 58 minutes i think that's long that's good man it's too late to chop no i'm worried you're like Look, I think like, it's so weird because they look at like Netflix's data was like a lot of people bail after the first 15. But maybe they come back. I don't know. But your fans are going to want more.

So it's good that. I guess. Huh. Should I? I'm probably going to be in that. What's the sweet spot? I don't know. I would do like 48 or 50.

My question, is it already done? Yeah. I mean, I could make some land i'm we'll see here's my only thing about it is you could say if you shave like eight you could start the next hour with that that's true and it's so fucking hard to keep writing hours i mean i'm i'm doing what i'm doing on the road right now is i do like 55 60 of. And then I'm kind of like doing 10 to 15 of the next hour to see where it is. Cause I'm like, I kind of tell them, I'm like, look, I'm coming back to Oklahoma city. Let me come back with some good shit. You don't want to see me with the new hour that sucks. I got to start to work now.

So, uh, that's, that's how I look at it. But I, I don't know, man. I think we'll see what Mark says. I think it's always better to start cooking on that. How much do you have for a new hour? that's that's how i look at it but i i don't know man i i think we'll see what mark says i think it's always better to start cooking on that how much do you have for a new hour uh maybe like 15 if you're in good shape already maybe you're i mean he's his new special 58 minutes it's long wow that is long but 15 is enough to get back out there yeah yeah if you like it at 58 keep it at 58 because it's your special and it's going to live forever.

Right. So make sure you're happy with the length and what it is. Sure, sure. Sorry, I just yacked. Did you really? Yeah. Oh, man. A little bit of puke.

It's gross. Is that a first for this pod? I don't know. You should. Why don't you have something sweeter than just whiskey? I can make you a cocktail. I mean, you want to go straight. I love our whiskey, but you're going to try to get back on.

I wish we had a Bloody Mary for him to get back on. Oh, I wish. Do we have? I can make you a Boulevardier or some shit. Oh, hey. I mean, I don't want to push. Push. That'd be great.

We got a full bar, right? Yeah. Okay. Let's do it. All right. Now we're talking. Okay. See, I puked. I think I popped a blood vessel in my ass there.

You would have no idea, man. You look great. Oh, come on. You got the best hair in comedy, by the way. All right. Thanks, man. Indian number one hair, right? Well, I'm Afghan, but Indians have.

Oh, sorry. Come on, bro. Sorry. That's all right. Afghan. What do you guys have? That's a scarf, isn't it? Afghan? It's a rug, I believe. Oh, sorry. Come on, bro. Sorry. That's all right. Afghan. What do you guys have? That's a scarf, isn't it? Afghan?

It's a rug, I believe. It's a rug. How about those Afghan hound dogs? Pull one of these up. No, no. DeVito, we were talking about dogs, and Anthony DeVito was telling me he grew up with Afghan hounds, so he hates dogs. Look at these fucking dogs.

They're like the only dogs that I'm like, ugh. Sounds like a sex move. Oh, my God. I gave her the old Afghan hound. It's like Farrah Fawcett or something. It does. They look like fucking only dogs that I'm like, ugh. Sounds like a sex move. Oh my God. I gave her the old Afghan hound. It's like Farrah Fawcett or something. It does. They look like...

It's like Nikki Glaser. They look like Sam Elliott in fucking Roadhouse. You know what? It looks like Ann Coulter. Put a side by side of that. We got a meme. Do we have sweet vermouth?

Uh-oh. Where is it? All right. Well, yeah, so... Oh, this is it. Check out the special. Is itmouth? Uh-oh. Where is it? All right. Well, yeah. So this is it. Check out the special. Is it out? February 28th.

Oh, okay. We'll be out. Yeah. Hell yeah. Streaming, baby. Check it out. Now we're talking. What's the title?

House Money. House Money. I like. Yeah, man. The workout room is really the key to writing more. A lot of people do the same act over and over, and they're scared of failing. So the fact that you're going out there and working new shit in front of a live audience and you call it working out. Yeah.

That's a huge, you've got a huge head start over everybody. Well, that's my favorite part about stand-up. I think, like, comics do stand-up for different reasons. Some do it for the applause. They just love crushing. They just love that sound. Sure. That adoration.

I love the puzzle of stand up of like something could happen today and then you talk about it on stage. Yes. And then it works. Like once it works, that feeling. The best.

When you had nothing and now it's something. Yes. I'm chasing that. Even when it's not killing but you can just sense oh there's something here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is worth exploring. Yes. That's the best. So like I'm always chasing that Even when it's not killing But you can just sense Oh there's something here Yeah yeah yeah Like this is worth exploring Yes That's the best So like I'm always chasing that So my favorite shows Are my Fahim works on stuff shows Of course And you know

I have that piece of paper And stuff And it's annoying Because I'm literally I have too many ideas It's like You know I MC the show So I do 10 minutes

In between acts And I do like 20 minutes At the end It's just a lot of ideas And so I need that paper to keep to keep track of all of them i love it's annoying on tiktok because some people be like why is he holding a paper like he thinks i'm playing carnegie hall and i'm holding computer paper right but what's kind of cool is you get big enough where your fans defend you now before you just had to take shit from toxic people but now you have people who

knight for you yeah they're like it's called he works on stuff a lot of comics do it i love it yeah i always give that a like i love that too there's people fighting for you yeah pretty damn sophisticated i know comedy knowledge yeah they're saying terms like that's a good tag or a nice callback yeah i do know about callbacks i think that's why i'm able to even put a show like that online yes people are savvy enough to know totally comics literally don't just walk off the stream like oh there's having a name well like yeah it's a process it's an art you know well you ever uh did you see when tmz pulled up some new shane gillis stuff and oh they tried to bury him yeah it was so sad and the whole internet was like, bigger fan now, never heard this, hilarious. I like him even more, thanks to this post.

It was crazy. Where do you think that came from? It just seemed like such a last-ditch effort to destroy him. He's on the show. Leave it alone. It's happening. But yeah, I think somebody dug it up and sent it to TMZ. And they go, we unearthed it.

Yeah. Love the unearthed. Resurfaced. Like it's, we unearthed it. Yeah. Love the unearthed. Resurfaced. Like it's a fucking body on the ocean. It's so, they're shameless. It's weird that they're the ones who tell us when someone died. TMZ. Yeah.

Yeah, like you find out someone you like, like a celebrity you like died because like TM, they were the ones who broke Kobe. Whoa. It's so fucking gross that that's how they make their bank. I mean, has someone sued them yet? It's funny because remember when Hulk Hogan just destroyed Gawker? I feel like Gawker was TMZ before. Yes.

Was it? Ish. They weren't doing, but they were doing those kind of tasteless articles. Right. And Peter Thiel basically bankrolled Hogan to just destroy, because they shit on him. They outed him as a gay man. But he's not gay, is he? I thought he was gay.

Is he? He comes after you now. Uh-oh. Sorry, Pete. Don't hurt me. Give Peter Thiel gay a goog. Oh, that's a good-looking bull. That's a small one.

I was using this. That's fine. All right, you're on your own one. I was using this. That's fine. All right, you're on your own here. I'm sweeter with, and I'd be joining you, but I get it. You want more water?

Big fat ulcer in me. Yeah. I'm trying to be good for like at least another week. Yeah. Who is gay? Okay, my bad. Sorry, dude.

Yeah, that's why I didn't think because I know he's pretty far right. Oh, is that right? Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. What does he own?

He was early on with Elon at PayPal. Oh, wow. A gay pal. Literally. Hey, one sip, I'm back. I told you. Oh, that's good. When you drink it, I'm like, you Have a You can have like a whiskey soda

Second But you want to start with Something a little sweeter You're right You're right Goes down easy Seen a hungover man Before in my life

I've been one So uh Kevin Clancy Just texted me While I was whizzing Yeah Sam certainly went long Sam's gonna be a little late

Oh okay So We got more That's fine More for you Nice Afghan baby Those Afghan hounds dude Those are fucking bad dogs Gorgeous dogs So we got more. That's fine. More for you. Nice. Afghan, baby.

Those Afghan hounds, dude. Those are fucking bad dogs. Gorgeous dogs. The people, they're like combing their hair and shit. I mean, that's fucking, that is creepy. That's weird. It's so different than other dogs. I know.

That one was in Poison. Fucking weird looking dog. Oh, that is weird. It's like fucking Iggy Pop. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful hair. We should use that on people. Everybody's getting a hair transplant now. Just the Afghan hound plugs.

Just like a mullet. Right. Wow. Yeah, everybody's getting the transplant. And it's all from Turkey. Yeah, what the hell hell that's just not those are just and they come on they're shedding everywhere those are fucking disgusting it's a big mop yeah literally what that is they look like and their legs look like a bullfighters yeah that's true that feels like appropriation what if they get yelled at by like woke person? You fucking dog. My hairstyle isn't a choice for you.

James Franco in Spring Breakers. First A24 film, by the way. Was it? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that one's got some dreads. Look at that. Too much hair. Do we have any clips, any TikTok stuff you pulled?

Oh, this is... I hate this motherfucker. Who's this? This is the one I saw. Have you seen this shit? Is he donuts? He's smushing. It's like 18 donuts. He's this? This is the one I saw. Have you seen this shit? Is it donuts he's smushing? It's like 18 donuts. He's going to eat it.

Oh, my God. Whoa. All right, that's six. It's like the saddest shit people will do for likes. Do they just die immediately after eating it? Hopefully. Like they just clutch their heart and the tiktok logo comes up like look at this shit i don't know what what's the big deal i don't know why this is impressive well he's doing like well he's doing like what five the other guy was doing like that's true that's look at that shit wow that could feed a village just the sugar and the

calories alone i mean it's kind of like what pancakes are i always think about pancakes it's always way too much man how did that become the norm three or four stacks of pancakes are people crushing that one of those is fine whenever i'm on the road with my crew they always insist on it for the table and you know people take their pancakes differently some people want to drench in butter and syrup i don't want too much i like just like a hint yeah yeah i go waffle because you can break it up easier quarterly and you want a lot of syrup you go nuts on your little square your little little triangle. Yeah, and I like that there's little pockets for your syrup. Syrup traps.

Yeah. Edberg. Oh, syrup traps. Yeah. Damn. He's like, what does he say? Pancakes are like something. What does he say?

By the end, you're fucking sick of them. Oh, it's like your relatives. It starts out fun, and then by the end, you're fucking sick of them. Something like that. But it's, yeah, it's like a phase now. just you'll see a guy there's another guy i don't know what his name is but he'll just eat like literally like 10 000 calories in one seat and and it's like so you're just showing us how much you could i don't know there's we'll eat like 10 burgers or something why is that not you We all hate rich people. Everybody's like, fuck billionaires.

But eating food like that is selfish and gluttonous as well. And it's starving people. That's true. I don't know why. I guess because you can't make fun of fat people. Some of them aren't fat. That's true. That guy wasn't fat.

But that could save a guy's life who's starving. Yeah, all that food. Darfur, yeah. At least it's unhealthy shit no one's like we need more donuts in darfur that's true where's the entomans crispy cream dropping a parachute in boxes there it is waffles like a pancake with syrup trap all right not his best tweet you have to start the show strong you have to end the show strong there are two key elements you can't be like pancakes.

You're happy at first, but then you're, okay, it wasn't relatives. I pulled that off. But that relatives works, too. No, that was the, I think that was the Benjamin Franklin quote, where he's like, a visitor is like a fish. Fine at first, and by day three, like, ugh. Oh, really? I'm paraphrasing again.

They got bars. Franklin was good. Mark Twain. Killer tweets. Banger. Killer. He would have crushed on Twitter. He's got bars. Franklin was good. Mark Twain. Killer tweets. Killer. He would have crushed on Twitter. Or X.

X. What, any other TikToks? What else we got? Trevor Wallace had a good 824 sketch. Oh, yeah? His sketches are great. I like Trevor. They're really clever.

He's fucking, he kills it. He's a good Instagram follower follow my first day in india oh there's a whole there's a whole sub sub genre on tiktok which is just making fun of indian street vendors and like how they prepare food oh what was that He was cutting a bag of them with his toenails. Oh. All right, no gloves. Urine. Yikes. At least he's got the mask on. What is this?

I don't know what's going on. Matt, where'd you find this shit? This is India. There's flies and shit on it? Yikes. Is there a dead body body underneath what do you think the rating is for that i bet you they're healthier than us in the in the end of the day too yeah we're the we're the least healthy nation isn't that wild is that because everything we eat has fucking chemicals yep yep and we don't work out and yeah that has like organic toenails in it. Like unprocessed.

That's a good point. What else? Yeah. That was fucking gross. Yeah. That one I'm upset about. No, what do you got here? Is this one of those eating guys?

What the fuck is that? Is that a hamburger? Oh, my God. That's a bun. What the hell is that? Oh, look at this guy. He's got the pannus. He's a bun. What the hell is that? Oh, look at this guy. He's got the pannus. He's got a fupa.

That's quite a fupa. What the hell was he doing? And what was he eating? He didn't even eat it. I could do this. I can just stab something and dance. Also, make us sad. Tell us how many views it has.

I know, right? Like millions? Millions. Jesus Christ. That know, right? Like millions? Jesus Christ. That's his job? That just sounds funny to say. Look at this video and say, that's his job. DJ Khaled's doing

great. Honey, I have to go work. Let's go to work. That's it? Do you have any others? Another one. You guys gonna buy the Donald Trump shoes? Too expensive. how much are 100 no i think they're they're selling on ebay for like 10 grand but he but that's like his ticket master he's not seeing that shit i know he just saw the 400 that's still pretty good 400s good

i mean the novelty of them is pretty hilarious like you know they're gonna be hard to get they are he's he's quick he's he's like's like, well, how much do I owe? $355 million? Cologne. Yep. Sneakers. What else was he selling? It was like all kinds of shit.

He's going to be selling mixtapes soon. Hey, we can't really judge. We sell underwear with our faces on it. And yeah, we got those too. Oh, how about this for a shoe name? High Ballers. Hey, not bad. Because you're baller, balling, and it's a drink.

All right, that's an idea. Not bad. Not bad. Okay, gay pal. Are you doing another one? Who's this guy? My biggest video of 2022. Who's buying this?

Okay, we got 7-Eleven hot dog. I don't know what it is. I should just do it. I wonder what it's in. I can't get on it. 2022. Who's buying this? Okay, we got 7-Eleven hot dog. Ah, Jesus. I will say, the 7-Eleven Big Bite? Underrated. Not a bad hot dog. Oh, really? The thing he was saying that nobody eats? If you're in a pinch,

and you haven't planned your day very well, LA and stuff is not like New York, where there's a great pizza place on every corner right there's not a lot of grab and eat places and the hot dog's not bad at 7-eleven the big bite okay i don't work for them okay i respect that thank you these are the two corners that you got the the fitness guy who's like look at this shit and then you got the the overweight guy who's like that's that's my life yeah that's about right yeah i mean this is the middle yeah i'm in the middle i'm impartial and i'm just letting you Holy shit. And then you got the overweight guy. I was like, that's my life. That's about right. Yeah. I'm in the middle. I'm in the middle.

I'm impartial. I'm just letting you know that it's worth a shot sometime. Try it. A buck each? I mean, that's a steal. Yeah. You know who else had a decent? The meatballs at Ikea were solid.

Yeah. I don't know if you guys ever had that. Actually, the hot dogs at Costco are pretty good. And the pizza at Costco. Is it really? Have you seen the machine make the pizza? Pull up the video. It's entrancing. Just like Costco pizza being Costco. Is it really? Have you seen the machine make the pizza? Pull it up. Pull up the video. It's entrancing.

Just like Costco pizza being made. Damn. It's not horrible. The hot dogs were kind of the draw though. I like, because it's $1.50

for a hot dog and a soda. Where? At Costco. Okay. And they've kept that price for so long. I love it.

Yeah. I love when people don't budge. Yeah. I love back in the day when you could get a can of soda for like just a dollar. Yes. And now everyone went like $1 budge. I love back in the day when you could get a can of soda for just a dollar. Yes. And now everyone went like $1.25.

I know. We're not going to break a dollar. Isn't it mesmerizing? Oh, it's robots. Uh-oh. But then when they dispense the pizza sauce, that's the real magic. Look at that. Here we go.

Here we go. Viral-like fashion? Yeah. I hope so. All right, still needed some humans here. Yeah, AI hasn't taken completely over yet. Here we go. Viral-like fashion? Yeah. I hope so. All right, still needed some humans here. Yeah, AI hasn't taken completely over yet. Here we go. Oh, here we go, baby.

Oh. Oh, this is nice. That's very satisfying. That is. No Italian can do this. I know. Wow. That gives you more time to hit your wife.

Hey, guineas. Save some time. A couple backhands back to the cheese. Mateo and I made pizza at a couple places in the kitchen, and the good places usually put the cheese on before the sauce. Is that right? Really? A lot of the good places that we went to.

But that was Chicago. And New York. Oh, really? We went to Arturo's in the village. Great pizza spot. Oh, yeah. I love that spot. All right, what's the best pizza, would you say, in New York. Oh, really? We went to Arturo's in the village. Great pizza spot. Oh, yeah. I love that spot. All right, what's the best pizza, would you say, in New York?

Here we go. Well, I don't leave my neighborhood, really, so I'm bad. I mean, like, people, it's like now become hip on social media to shit on Joe's. Oh, I love Joe's. I love Joe's, too. Wait, that's cool now to shit on Joe's? People are doing it. You can pull it up. Find people shitting on Joe's.

People are... It's just fashionable to shit on on great things they always go after the best you know but uh i love arturo's because of the vibe too like the vibe is like a piano bar i went there with mateo he hops on the piano and starts singing you're like this is fucking amazing wow uh he's singing fly me to the moon. Oh, that's great. And then, yeah, it's killer, man. And the people are cool, and they make a great cocktail. I love a pizza place that you can get, like, a good-ass... That's true. ...had in there, too, or Negroni. Yeah.

And it's just a vibe. I love it. John's Pizzeria on Bleakers is pretty damn... We've been there before. We went there. Pies Only. Pies Only's, you get a good place so that's true make a night of it um i mean look let's be real new haven's got the best pizza new haven's

fucking great connecticut they cracked it i mean those coal although arturo's is coal oven too i'll tell you long island has great pizza they do because all the brooklynites moved to long island eventually and they got kind of pushed out so everywhere's good pizza now dude i know like even la has got some spots now totally but it's got to be thin crust i don't like i'll do the deep dish but is he shitting on it this guy let's see his review a tourist trap uh well they the volume there is out of control they put out so many slices. Late night for a while they were slipping, but I think they got it back. Also, the fact

that you go to another pizza place in that area, you're waiting in line for 20 minutes. Late night. Hey, speaking of pizza. Here we go. Get in here. It's never too late to level up your grooming game and keep that bush in check. Manscaped's new Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra keeps you looking and feeling amazing.

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How are you? Sam, nice to meet you, man. Hey. What's up, man? You know Fahim? Yeah. All right, just checking. Sit down.

Welcome, welcome. You want a cocktail? Sam's on the shakers. Yeah, I'll drink something. I'll make you something. Can we get another glass? And maybe some tongs, too. Yeah.

Maybe like a hot towel and a power washer would be good. I am drenched, dude. Are you? Yeah, yeah. I'm coming from Barstool. I'm so sorry. I value your time. We got an Afghan.

Yeah. Oh, good. Yeah. You're taking my job. We're looking at pizza videos. I'm so sorry. I value your time. We got an Afghan. Oh, good. Yeah. You're taking my job. We're looking at pizza videos. I know what that is. Have you had Joe's is the question. No, no.

I have not had Joe's. I don't know how to navigate the city. I don't know where to eat food in the city. What? Yeah. I come here once a year. I kiss the ring of show business. Then I leave back to the woods. Yeah.

Well, it's good to have you. What are you doing tonight? You got spots? Liver spots? No, I don't have any spots tonight because I have to do two more podcasts after this. Oh, my Lord. And I kind of want to see my friends who I've loved for years and years. What have you got after this?

I've got Gianmarco Cerenzi's. Okay. That's a kingmaker. And then I'm doing Ari's travel show as well. Oh, good luck with that. I think I was bothering you on the phone. I'm sorry. That was the 303 number.

Well, you guys both have YouTube specials. Oh, yeah, man. You're just doing so great, man. Congrats on the special. Thank you very much. Yeah, I'm following the money, and it's free on YouTube. I mean, mine too. This is the second free one I'm doing.

But I think that's the model now, man. Just build it on your own, and then you'll sell more tickets tickets and shit and then eventually when a streamer wants to come along then okay but if not this is great yeah it's just a commercial for your act yeah bingo yeah yeah it's just a digital flyer pretty much yeah are you chopping it up and stuff too they want me to they're they really want me to chop chop chop this uh these manager characters yeah chop you know you know the character old Old T-Dog. Little turn around. He's like, I think that I figured out a digital initiative

that would be best for the rollout. And I'm like, okay, well, how much do I have to pay the guy who's going to tell me to make clips? Exactly. LA speak. These dogs. They're like, have you heard of fucking reels? Yeah, dude. Yeah.

Do you know TikTok? Yeah. We know it. We're gonna get you on SiriusXM. Have you heard of Byron Allen? Are you unleashed? Mark's the only one of us I believe to go on comedy. You guys haven't done unleashed? I haven't done it. Oh, I pissed off Byron.

Why? That was fucking the picture alone was epic. Well, first Oh, I pissed off Byron. He chewed me. Why? That was fucking, the picture alone was epic. Well, first off, I met him at the urinal. And I was like, hey, what's shaking, huh? And he's like, this. Yeah. And then you got to prepare everything. Everything is you give him the jokes.

So you go like, here's my joke on dogs. Here's my joke on tables. Here's my joke on barbecues. Yeah. And I totally wanted to fuck with him a little. Because he goes, so, Mark, I heard you have a dog. And I go, what are you talking about? He goes, you know, your dog you have.

And I was like, I don't know what you mean. And we had a good time. He hated it. Oh, the picture. There's a picture of the whole group and Mark's doing this. Oh, yeah. He yelled at me during the commercial break. He's like, what are you doing?

You're killing the flow. The momentum. Stop trying to be funny. He is a very wealthy man. He yelled at me during the commercial break. He's like, what are you doing? You're killing the flow. The momentum. Stop trying to be funny. He is a very wealthy man. He's incredibly wealthy. He owns the weather. Yeah. He doesn't even.

That's your thing. That was our thing, yeah. He won't even do the thing anymore where it's like, oh, I heard that you were at the carnival recently. He pretty much just goes, your turn. Yeah. Oh, yeah. All right.

Now you tell the joke. He's going to set you up in a funky manner. Remember back in the day, Bob and Tom, you ever do that? Oh, yeah. All right, now you tell the joke. He's just going to set you up in a funky manner. Remember back in the day, Bob and Tom, you ever do that? Oh, yeah. I just did it. They fucking hated me. Oh, yeah. They still going?

Yeah, dude. Wow. Isn't one of them gone? They wanted to do material, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I did a joke on there about getting jerked off in a town car, and they stopped it, and they go, we could get fined in 150 markets for that.

That's a $1.5 million fine. I was like, I feel like that's not going to happen. But they were furious. And I was like, what the fuck is going on? Did you do it when it actually moved the needle? It did help. It helped you guys? It didn't help me because they ended the interview.

Yeah. Not fun. If you got some material on there, you'd sell like 10 more tickets. Yeah, I did it in November. I think it helped pack out Cincinnati Thursdayincinnati thursday hell yeah thank you very much that's a great club by the way i love it dude yeah the inmates run the asylum over there oh yeah go bananas yeah yeah old school we'll get a real boom in there booming laughter yeah one of my special there because it's so you did it there yeah Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's nice. Where again? Go Bananas Comedy Club in Montgomery, Ohio.

I mean, you're killing in like the first six seconds. Yeah, you were very nice to me on this podcast. I appreciate that. Hey, nowhere else. Yeah, yeah. Only here. No, you spit on me last time I saw you. Did you?

We did Kill Tony together. It was in the eye, though. I was at a blackout. I want to apologize for my performance. You did great. Oh, I had nothing. Yeah. I think I put my head on your shoulder at one point yeah because you do the protect our parks and you're just like yeah you're cockeyed and strange yeah ari got naked it was it was a wild night uh-huh you you kept the show on the rails hey man i'm a company man yeah i do the job oh yeah bob and tom has a guy named Ace now. He's just a black guy, and all he says is, damn.

And he could just be a button, but no, he's in there collecting a check. He'll be like, Ace, what do you think about that? And he's like, that's foolish. Fucking D-I. I want that button. I want that button on this pod. He's like, damn. That's actually more than Salakus does when he's here.

We should get some buttons. I'm like, oh god. Just revert back to radio. Yeah, exactly. That's where it's all going. Traffic, traffic. I got mattress in lanes. I-8's clogged. It's coming back. You know what else the radio

always did? They kept telling you the time. Remember that? Hey, it's 15 past the hour and you're like, I got a clock. Great. Why do you have to keep telling me the time? There was a phone number you could call and get the time and temperature back in the day. Yeah, that's right. What was the number? Do you remember?

No. Because I knew I had a watch. Right. Yeah. I never needed to avail myself of their services. Yeah. I guess it was kind of good. You hit that, let me hit the traffic back before GPS. Right.

We'd just look out the window, and he'd be like, he's got a jacket on. That's true. You go by other people. You just rip them off. But then there's always a psycho out there in shorts in March in New York City. And you're like. That's true. He throws off everything.

This guy ruined my fucking plan. Yeah. My dad had a thermometer on the wall back in the day. Now I sound like I grew up on a farm. Oh, yeah. I remember that shit. I totally forgot about that. Literally. You'd be like, oh. About 80 80 to say celsius and fahrenheit it was wacky

those are the landline so where are you based out of normally denver no la junta colorado the southeastern corner of colorado quit bragging yeah i know so how far on it you can walk to it whoa sin city is it hard to do the road out of that? What's that airport? I drive up to Denver and you can usually find it. That's a fucking bad airport though. No, I think it's a great airport. Really?

Yeah, I love that airport. That's one of my least favorite airports. Why does it suck so much? It's a mess. You got to tram. The security is a nightmare. Yeah. Security is really bad.

Always packed. But the trick to Denver security, listener, is you just go through the premier access lane and they never check. Oh. The one that the people who work there go through. You just walk right through there.

Because now there's like this whole serpentine snake of clear people and pre-people. It's like almost as long as the regular line. That's right. We have to keep giving up more freedoms. I know. Because we've given them the iris. We've given them the fingerprint. Yeah.

Good point. The next is you're going to have to do something with your dick. I don't know. You have to dip it in a machine. I don't know. Like have the machine in the house. I don't know what's next. Are you going to have to give up more freedom, right?

Yeah, I guess so. Geez, they really got us. Then there's always that new thing. Hey, did you get the citizen? Right. Global. I thought pre was it. And then they're like, no, now it's clear.

Now it's global entry. Now it's like, what's the next one? Global entries for international shit. Are you you pre i'm pre and clear everything yeah so what's the difference like is clear better than pre or clear get you through the line pre keep your laptop in your bag and don't take your shoes off yeah so it's a good combo oh so it's nice to have both yeah hell yeah yeah sometimes you'll get to an airport and they won't have clear but they'll have pre yeah yeah so. Yeah, so you're covered either way. Pre-Fontaine.

Yeah. Exactly. Pre-com. Yeah, I mean, everything. That and Orlando are my, Orlando's number one least favorite airport. Because you're dealing with, it's all kids. All kids. When they say kids board first, it's fucking 95% of the plane.

Yep. And it's a shitload of old people yep it's a bad combo yeah that's bad i mean uh what else is best chicago can be a cunt can be tough yeah are you guys delta yes you gotta stick with delta well united out of denver it's the hub yeah is that right i'm envious of you guys over here you gotta go delta united's fine united had a bad stretch when they had that like the dragon of the asian man and killing and killing the dog in the overhead yeah that was a bad pr combo whoops well now alaska's got the door missing yeah i i have a theory i have an idea fat people get two seats on a plane on certain flights use use the fat guy to clog the door.

I would gladly step up. Yeah, I didn't want to say it. The trick is to go back first so you can still face in. Yeah. But you know what they offered people on that flight? $1,500 each. You got to give more for a door coming off. That's a maybe you're dead scenario.

Completely. That's the final destination shit. That's more than $1,500. I just want you to agree to it right away without thinking. $1,500, all right. That suit itself, you could get a bunch of money. That's true. We'll give you an O-ball, pa, $10 off.

There's always some bullshit like that. Not Chipotle. You can get Moe's. The other Mexican place. You can get a quiz no six inch not subway yeah no they uh you knew about moe's of course it changes everything i'm a rogue comic too yeah i remember orlando airport remember you handed me we were opening for schumer years ago yeah in some arena there and we got fucking housed and i was puking in the i was puking in the airport bathroom and mark just i just see a hand lifted over it's a ginger ale for me that he grabbed yeah that's a good buddy move yeah

you guys go in the lounge right you better believe it yeah and you have your buddy who's like outside you know knocking at the door can't get in you get a coffee cup you go to the lounge, right? You better believe it. And then you have your buddy who's like outside, you know, knocking at the door, can't get in. You get a coffee cup, you go to the bar, you get four shots of Hennessy in there, walk out with it. Here you go. Yo, you're like full of life hacks, dude. I love it. I've done that. I've had the opener, like you bring them out and make a sandwich or something.

Yeah, I've done that. I did that with my wife. I feel like when you get older, the airport lounge is the new nightclub. Like I give way more shit about the lounge than, like, a nightclub. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Even if I have, like, six minutes before I board, I go in the lounge just to, like, cleanse. I go when I land.

I do, too. I'll hit that lounge. Wait. They let you in. Oh, yeah. On arrival. You can do that? Oh, yeah.

I'll tell the world because I get a coffee when I land. Then I get a couple cookies and I hit the road. I thought you have to show your ticket. You do. You have a boarding pass for that day. That day boarding pass is hit the road. I thought you have to show your ticket. You do. You have a boarding pass for that day. That day boarding pass is all you need. Oh. They don't like it.

Oh, shit. I didn't know you could do it. This is a game changer. Oh, yeah. Thanks a lot, talent. Yeah. Open the can. I'm trying to fit in with my New York pal.

Got it. I'm babe pig in the city over here, Ruben around. I had a literal I'm walking here today. Oh. From me. Yeah. You know those like how they have like the chinese guys like uh crawl out of that like hole in the sidewalk when they're down in the yeah yeah a guy

popped up and i almost fell in the hole and i was like i'm walking here don't get me started on the jute tunnels hey good real estate look that you know that's an improvised line by dustin hoffman the i'm walking here and midnight that wasboy? No way. That was improv. Wow. One of the most iconic lines ever. I'm walking here. Great fucking movie. Great movie.

Those UCB classes paid off. Oh, wow, wow. UCB, man. Remember when they used to do, we used to do stand-up there. Well, they used to run everything, man. That was like the hottest thing. I heard clowning is really big now. Like in LA? Oh, yeah.

That's the hit thing yeah what does that mean like like crusty the clown no it's like physicality it's like communicating a lot without even words oh like baskets yeah marcel marcel like that's what you see be used to be kind of yeah pull it up what is clowning an old art form got a new paint job in the LA comedy scene. Well, these guys seem really fun to hang out with. Oh, she's got a hat instead of a personality. Give me my shoe. Woo, baby. Anthony DeVito's got a great joke about...

That guy, that Chad guy. About how his ex started cheating on him with his best friend, and as it worked out for them, though, they got married, they have kids together, and he goes, and it worked out for them though you know they got they got married they have kids together and he goes and it worked out for me they both uh teach improv ah perfect right yes no but it is very good oh funny guy really funny my buddy yeah clowning oof i'd actually prefer like a bozo yeah more fun i think to hang out with the paint yeah i prefer penny wise than hanging out with exactly yeah eat my head

yeah the comedy scenes at a weird place it's great because comedy's so huge everybody's selling tickets it's great youtube specials but then it's also like when everything something comes but comes mainstream it also gets a lot of more shit in it. Oh, yeah. It's so boutique, too. You can find the exact kind of comedy that you want to see. You don't have to just watch whatever's on Conan that night. Right.

Right. You remember growing up, you just watched whatever came on Next on the channel? Of course. And you'd be like, I don't want to watch Yes, Dear. Yeah. But you did. Well, Netflix has an option now to be like, just put something on for me. You pick.

And I'm like, whoa, we're back on TV. We've gone all the way around to TV again. I remember knowing a lot about Charles in Charge as like a six-year-old. Oh, yeah. Because it was on after Rescue Rangers. And I was like, well, it's on. Oh, yo, Rescue Rangers. Oh, Nicole Eggert.

Yeah. Yeah. Was it Willie Ames? He was the best friend. Yeah, okay. Sorry, I watched it as well. Yeah. What's his facees? He was the best friend. Yeah, okay. Sorry, I watched it as well. Yeah. What's his face?

Scott Baio fucked everybody. He got in there. Good for him. Heather Locklear, Pam Anderson. She was hot. God, Pam. Where do you land on the Anna Nicole debate? What's the debate? Do you want to fuck her all the time or just a couple times a day?

I would say all the time. All the time. Yeah. Really? I really liked that. You don't think she's hot? I never got it. Really? Oh, my God. She looks like a couple times a day? I would say all the time. All the time. Yeah. Really? I really liked that. You don't think she's hot? I never got it. Really?

Oh, my God. She looks like a woman doing a woman. Well, I mean, come on. Let's not go into detail on that one. But there's different eras of Anna Nicole as well. Sure, sure. I like near-death gettable Anna Nicole. That's what I want.

Yeah, pillhead Anna. Yeah, yeah. But it feels like one false move and she's ugly i don't know she's right on the edge to me oh that's a buffalo whore right there she's a stripper and if they call it is with polly shore all right that guy's lived oh my god yeah i see polly's the store and stuff yeah i forget that like yo i used to watch him with encino man totally iodine that's pretty good. Oh, yeah. I mean, come on.

Yeah, dude. Yeah, Mark, you're right. That's not worth it. Well, wait, pull that one up, the one in the black. Yeah, right there. Look at that. That's Karen.

That's the lady who's going to yell at you at Red Robin. Yeah, but she's going to let you do whatever you want to her. Well, so does Fahim. That's true. It was very good.

Thank you for the cocktail. Oh, no, Boulevardier. That'slevardier mix it up that's our whiskey bodega cat i think she was also like seven foot tall well she's huge huge lady man i remember she was at that last roast and uh i just remember flicking her flicking off jeff ross and then she died like not that long that's got to be kind of rough to have on your conscience yeah you're like yeah i zinged her yeah two weeks ago like 11 did you hear what the coroner said to the chief of police when they found her body what i'll go first classic love it love it coroner that's a victimless crime yeah he's fucking the bodies yeah it's just refuse at that point. You ever heard that old Vietnam joke?

Guys, two guys in the trenches, there's bullets overhead, and he goes, I'm so horny, I gotta go out there. And he's like, don't go, you'll get shot. Goes out there, he sees like an Asian lady with a great body, bangs her, you know, the whole thing. Comes back, he's like, I got laid. And the guy's like, what happened? He goes, well, there was a dead Asian lady, and I fucked every hole it was great and the guy goes what'd she look like he goes ah she never had i might have fucked it up god damn it pull that joke up that's an oldie we used to tell it the uh it was rita rudners i think the whole term was she didn't have a head i think i fucked

it up somehow that's an old classic we used to tell us around the campfire in the 80s do you guys have a favorite street joke oh yeah i have a few i love there's a one on the gilbert godfrey album i love where he's uh you know he's doing the joke about the guy he's drunk at the bar and he goes uh oh shit i puked all over myself my wife's gonna kill me oh that's a great yeah you know this one yeah yeah and i'll tell it anyway for the people listening. And he goes, oh, fuck. And the guy goes, just put a $10 bill in your front pocket. Say some guy puked on you for the dry cleaning.

He goes, that's a great idea. He goes home. His wife's like, what the fuck? He goes, some other guy puked on me. He put $10 in my front pocket just to take care of the dry clean. She pulls it out. He goes, it's a $20 bill. He goes, he also shit in my pants.

That's a good street joke. What do you guys like? That's great. Well, I did mine already. That was my favorite. That's his go-to until he gets out of conversations with inquisitive crowd members. I'm telling you, you can find it online. I didn't make that up.

I swear to God, that's an old. My dad was a nom. I like the two boys riding their bikes home from school and a big van pulls up next to the boys and guy rolls down the window he says hey boys and he holds out a big bag of candy and he's like hey boys if you come in the van i'll give you some of this candy one of the kids says shit mr i'll come in your mouth for the whole bag when people are like telling me a joke i hit him with that and then they usually leave and i'm safe there you go yeah or they stay and you got a cool friend yeah exactly yeah that's a good deal someone to steal what's the uh the jewish pedophile joke

all right kid not so much candy or maybe it was a kid you want to buy some candy ah i'm off today with the street jokes what about the classic uh two guys or three guys have to sleep in a room together because they were out on the road? I love this one. The guy on the left, they sleep one, two, three. The guy on the left goes, man, I had a wet dream last night. The other guy goes, I came all over the place in my sleep. And the guy in the middle goes, I had a dream I went skiing.

That's a classic. All right, I finally got a joke right here. That's on the Gilbert album, too. Oh really that gilbert album is fucking amazing he just tells street jokes for a whole album but he does his own you know little riffs in there yeah it's it's funny as hell different time you couldn't do that now no you can't tell jokes now but i mean were those his did he lift them like yeah they weren't his okay well that's weird it's weird but he didn't bill it as like i wrote these i mean just it was built as dirty jokes i mean that's how stand-up was back in the day it was just sort of like open domain or whatever

yeah right or public domain yeah if i were ever to tell when i'd probably say here's a street joke right you know well he also worked in vaudeville you know yeah he was 140 years old when he died it was yeah wait what were you gonna say no i mean that's pretty much it just like back in the day you know? Well, he also worked in vaudeville, you know? Yeah. He was 140 years old when he died. He was. Yeah. Wait, what were you going to say? No, I mean, that's pretty much it. Oh. Like, back in the day, it was pretty much public domain jokes, kind of, like, you know?

Yeah, that's weird. Yeah. They would just pass them around in vaudeville. Yeah. Like, tonight I get to do the Chinese stuff, and then tomorrow y'all do the Italian stuff. Exactly. Yeah. Well, you know, Louis was like, we talked about this before, he did the hour a year.

It was kind of like the four minute mile. Once one one guy did it you're like oh we can all do this you got to kind of see a guy do it or go yeah and then uh then you can do it it's like the 900 tony hawk does a 900 now like 10 year old kids are doing 900 yeah you see that new baker video no no baker has a death wish yeah yeah it's very good i saw some clips actually skateboarding video oh yeah i know nothing about this i just i love skateboarding on ig yeah it's like the perfect medium to consume because it's all pure content yeah you know there's violence in there there's artistry there's agility everything and it's like i love the ones where they show the guy fucking up fucking up fucking up and then he nails it and he's scuffed

up he's bleeding he's dirty that's good for scuffed up, he's bleeding, he's dirty. That's good for our, we need that. You know he worked his dick off on that trick when he rides away sketchy, and he still posts it. It's like when you botch a joke, and you're still like, all right, well, I hit my head 12 times on the way to this punchline, so I'm putting it out. Yeah, the Asian lady had no head.

Let me take that again. That'd be the equivalent. That's what you gotta to call this episode matt the asian lady had no head let's do it the headless asian yeah but skateboarding great for that and even kids like a seinfeld said i love a skateboarder because you go that kid's gonna be all right because it's very it's reality you got to just keep doing this horrible thing over and over just for that little pleasure of riding it away. It's like a, what do you call it?

It's like a self-fulfilling thing. Like I did that on my own. No one asked me to do that. I did that. Self-actualized, right? Thank you. Yeah, yeah. That's the word.

I used to lurk a lot. All my friends were skateboarders like when I moved to Denver and I would just lurk at Denver Park and watch them ride around and think, I will never do that. Really? Yeah. I tried to skate skate around i had like a longboard and it was not gravity plus mass you know speed six four terrible balance six four 320 yeah not a lot of tall skateboarders i mean tony hawk is tall but other than him i feel like five yeah a lot of tall ones but he's in the half pipe you were probably on the street how old is tony hawk like at what age does it become a huge liability to be skateboarding? You know what I mean? I met him.

I went to his house, private skate park. He's going at it when I got there. I mean, the guy's amazing. He's a legend. He sounds like an old printer. He's like, he walked up. He's like, oof. He's all clicking and snapping.

His joints are popping. He's like Mick Foley. Yeah. Poor Mick Foley, dude. he's all clicking and snapping his joints are popping he's like mcfoley yeah yeah poor mcfoley dude yeah i i'm i opened for him once like years ago yeah yeah i was doing that fuck that shitty funny bone not the saint louis funny bone but they had another one uh mcfoley they're like i had the same age as mcfoley at the time they're like hey you headline the whole weekend he just wants to do one show would you open it i was like same like, same money. I was like, deal. So couldn't have been nicer.

His show was fucking funny. He's telling good stories. But I remember opening for him, and he goes, wow, that Sam's fucking dirty. And he goes, I'm going to curse one time. I'm going to give myself one curse. And he goes, I'll let you know. You tell me when to do it.

And he pointed to some of the crowd. And it was like, great war story. He's a And it was like, great, you know, war story. Yeah. He's a fucking legend. Well, yeah, he's like, you're dirty. And meanwhile, he's talking about the time a guy bit his ear off in Japan. He's the king of the death match, but he doesn't swear. But he's, like, weirdly wholesome.

Oh, he's great, yeah. I thought wrestlers were animals. That's his daughter, I think. Whoa, hello, daughter. Did you see the clip where Undertaker threw him off the fucking cage? Of course, man. That was the worst shit I've ever seen ever in wrestling. What do you mean worst?

That is like- I mean, it's real. He's getting fucking killed. You know how people have the Kennedy assassination was built into their brains, like a calendar explosion? Foley off the cage is like, I'll probably see that right before I die. Pull it up. It's just so fucked up.

I mean, he was like the dude who got the shit kicked out of him that was his gimmick the fall guy yeah and people were like wrestling's fake i'm like all right but look at him walk yeah yeah that's not fake right banged up no he's ruined that seems to be a pipeline now sort of uh some wrestlers have gotten into stand-up like i remember roddy piper was coming by oh yeah great guy super nice yeah uh this. Yeah. He had a tough time. They got to him in the locker room pretty early. Yeah. Yeah, Jake the Snake.

Oh, yeah. Oh, baby. My daddy done diddled me. Diddled my sister. I'm a product of rape. It's funny. That was like in Beyond the Mat. This is it.

Here we go. Whoa. That's a tall order. Yeah. That's not. What'd he land on? A table. Oh!

How do I get shit on by Vince McMahon? Do they do anything like this anymore? No. This is too many... Look at this guy. He's ruined. Yeah. This is what happened to Stephen Hawking.

At least he got to go to the island. That's true. That's true. He got a vacay out of it. Look at this. This is crazy. And they didn't work it out beforehand. What?

No, like they just ripped that. I mean, how do you work it out either? I mean, you don't want to be like, oh, let me see how this feels in rehearsal. Yeah, yeah. Then we'll run it back. True, true. Places, guys. Back to Juan.

I've never seen that. Thank you, Juan. But he was also so likable, Mick Foley. I mean, it's rare to be you know i feel like wrestling is the most similar to like it's like it is if you combine sports and stand-up yeah you're literally doing you're doing like a funny promo yeah people like the guy people love the rock because he's funny also you see them kind of like putter around until they lock into what their thing is i love wrestling documentaries they have one on a

vice does some great ones too and there was one on a stone cold at my hotel i was watching it because you see him in these like smaller markets when he's in memphis and stuff and he has like stringy losing hair you know yeah and he's like a good wrestler but he's not who he is he's he's not climbing the ranks and it's not until he gets fired from like was it wwe or something or so yeah he was gonna be the next featured player and then yeah and then he like bicks his head and he gets to go t in and then he's really mad about being fired and then people are like yes yeah and there's so many parallels between wrestling and stand-up oh yeah that's why i love these documentaries because it's like, oh, shit.

Like, yeah, it's not working. We're working. And then you're like, that's Stone Cold. People love this. Or people love this rock thing, this baby face thing at first. It's like, what is this? And then they kind of accidentally pivot into this great thing. Totally.

You figure it out. You'll be the cable guy. Yeah. Exactly. Cut the sleeves off. Start selling the arenas. You got to find your voice. And then Shane Gillis stole his whole beer drinking thing.

Yeah. Well, Vince McMahon was like, hey, Stone Cold or Steve Austin, we want you to kind of do like a bad guy thing. We want you to be yourself. Is that Trump? Oh, yeah. That's hilarious. He's in the Hall of Fame.

Really? Trump's in the WWE Hall of Fame. Oh, it is Trump. Wow. Yeah. And look at him try and drink a beer. He's never held it in his hand. Yeah, he doesn't drink.

Yeah. That's amazing. You would think Trump wouldn't go along with that. You feel like he'd just be like, no, I need a win. That's true. Yeah. He's like a P.T. Barnum-esque character, though. There it is.

Whoa, look at that. Damn. That was awesome. You know what's cool about Stone Cold? I feel like he never dropped the beer. Never? Because it was such a badass thing, but to always catch him. Yeah, he would get fired if he was like,

that was me another one. That would change everything. Old Butterfingers. Yeah, Stone Cold was like, that was peak WWF. He's the fucking man, dude. He was just probably the coolest. He was trying to come up with his name, and he couldn't figure it out. And his girlfriend, or his wife at the time, was like,

you should be Stone Cold. So she offered the like so she offered the name he loved the creamery she didn't have a head yeah well after he was done with her yeah oh yeah but also the uh the old days of wrestling not old days but like the early times these guys were like a back of a high school or some shitty gym and there's like folding chairs everywhere. And there's eight people there. It's like open mics. Exactly, dude. And you work up, you get like 40 bucks, then 80 bucks.

Yes. And then you might get a cut of ticket sales. Rodeo guys are the same. Because they live on the road and they're chasing this like insane dangerous dream. And, you know, drugs, alcohol, pill, all that stuff. They're a lot like comics too. And by the time you make it, your body is, like, too fucked. Yeah, yeah.

What's the best case scenario for a rodeo guy? Like, at least you can point to WWE and be like, all right. Some of those guys make money, dude. Really? Really? Like a top rodeo guy? A lot of them make their money, and then they open up, like, a bull ranch. And they start producing their own.

What the shit? This is not going to end well. I don't know. Oh, what is... That's a shitty piece of wood. He's sucking his dick? Fuck it. What is he doing?

Oh, no. Oh, no. How's that? It's cardboard. Oh, it's a mattress. Okay, never mind. All right, jeez. Mattress in lane.

These men are cowards. These people, excuse me. That reminds us. Casper, guys. Get on Casper. It's a good... Yeah, that'd be a great advertisement for Casper, guys. Get on Casper. It's a good... Yeah, that'd be a great advertisement for Casper. Yeah.

There's all this backyard wrestling. Oh, yeah. I feel great after being power bombed like that. Yeah. So I was just in Boise. It's a big Mormon city. Yeah. And they do the soaking.

You know what the soak is? You just hang in, right? You hang in, you don't thrust. That's a way of God being happy with it. Yeah, it's a loophole, but the guy jumps on the bed. Your friend jumps on the bed. That's why. Then you get the friction.

Yes. Isn't the friend going to hell then? No, because he's not fucking. He's not doing anything wrong. He's just jumping up and down on the bed. It's like Jews with the Sabbath. You get the little black kid to turn the lights on. Right.

Or Catholics only having anal sex before marriage. God's hole. Mm-hmm. Yep. I remember that special. That was good. Yeah. God's hole. Great on. Right. Or Catholics only having anal sex before marriage. God's hole. Mm-hmm. Yep. I remember that special. That was good. Yeah. God's hole.

Great band. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like, you know, just do the thing. It's all silly. How would you like to be the guy who has to jump up

and down? I would love to be that guy. Yeah? Yeah, you're in the mix. You got to get like LeBron. You need a good jumper. Well, you know, you're almost like

a cuck with a job. Yeah. Which is kind of nice. Yeah. Cuck with a job. Because you're like watching and helping out. out yeah i could jerk it while they're doing it you could sure this is a tax the jerk jump that's that's fun yeah then you're just on both of them i think you'll come out in the end that's why i can't go back and leave some bounds that is so fucking sad that that's how people fuck a lot of those mormons though they like by the time they're 19, they got like three kids. Oh yeah. Well, they're repressed.

They're like the Japanese. Yes. Ethno state. I fucked a Japanese girl, her vagina was blurry. And she had no head. That was when you were working the rape of Nan Kang. I'll be on that wall soon, guys.

Yeah. Leave a frame open for me. So we got the new Patrice photo, the new Geraldo photo, and we got Bernie Mac added there. Hell yeah. I'm guessing that was after the Godfrey epi did that. That was good shit. Oh, you changed the frames, too.

Nice. And the new Norm, it looks like, too. Yeah. The King. The greatest. And a new saga saga these are all new photos oh yeah i just did the levity live west nyack this last weekend and john lovitz wrote all over the wall where you sign like bob saget is gay john lovitz he signed it like four different times that way four different years every time he was there i love the uh there's a wall like that in Providence Rhode Island at the club comedy connection and it's just a bunch of guys websites

and you're like come on what other comic is going back there like oh yeah let me get that website down and check out his site yeah demo yeah yeah just comedians it's in the green room what are we doing here that's a weird... Put a QR code up. Yeah. Tag that up there. I'd be impressed. Yeah, exactly. Back in the day,

I remember there'd be comics you would hand out business cards. You'd just hang by the door. Fuck. Brutal. Did you have business cards at a point? I did.

Of course. I did, too. Vista print, baby. It was like $2,000 for 20 bucks. Did you pay extra to have it removed or did you keep the Vista print on the back of the car?

I kept it right on there like a goddamn soldier. Those were fucking awful. Oh, yeah, but when they came in the mail, it was exciting. You're like, whoo, I'm in the business now, baby. All it took was one person giving you a look, and you're like, I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. I hate myself. I'm just trying to fucking sell tickets here.

Oh, dude, so many things that would help my career, I just have that voice in my head my head of like i'm gonna receive a very mean text message when they find out about this right never do it again yeah i had a vhs no this is back in the day you're like you have open micro energy you don't know shit i gave it wow this guy rod long because i started in seattle he was like a guy doing stuff you know so i was doing some corporate event and then uh I'm like hey Mr. Long I was like 18 I'm like here's a VHS of some of my sketches and a stand-up set he's like oh thanks man thank you like I'll check it out yeah he probably did it no but I mean yeah man just uh throwback think about how unlikely Jess's they are just click on a link you bring a fucking tape I remember sending DVDs. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Joey Diaz would send blank tapes because he just knew they would never watch them. Yeah. There you go. Damn. They still book them. They loved it. That happened at Ha.

I remember I auditioned at Ha, and he just left the room, and I ate shit. He's like, great stuff. You start working next week. He never booked me. But he wasn't in the room either. I think he was just like, I got plenty of people here. Perfect. I flew into the punchline to audition for Molly.

What? Yeah, like I flew in to open for Alex Cole at the punch. I know Alex. And I went on stage and saw her get up and leave the room.

And this was when I had no money, you know? And I was just like, I was on stage and I just bombed unrepentantly. Totally. And then I got off

and she came in and she said, good set. I was like, did she I just bombed unrepentantly. Totally. And then I got off, and she came in, and she said, good set. I was like, did she start working you? No. I still never worked it. I had to trick my way in. That's the good set, and then never work you? Yeah. Yeah.

I had that with a Montreal audition. They wanted to see this one guy, and the rest of us was just filler. Right. And so we all went on, and they didn't watch, and they came in the room for the one guy. Who was the one guy? Do we get to know? I don't want to say. All right, all right.

It was Ralphie May. I remember the funny bone. They were like, just take a flight to Columbus. He'll watch your set. Yes. Take a rotation. I'm like, I can't do that. Who was the person?

Legendary Stroop. Yeah. Stroop. But they never really, I mean, I got like a few feature weekends here and there, but they never really worked me until I was selling them out. You know? Yeah, that's how they were. I was doing those B and C rooms.

Those fucking terrible. Did you ever do Wiley's over there? Yeah, twice. Whoa. In Dayton. Yeah. They got that great barbecue place right by the house. They do have good barbecue.

That was great. Was that Flame or something? It was called something. I never did Wiley's. I mean, got the job done. It was what you're going to do. It's their version of that dinosaur barbecue in Syracuse. Yeah.

If you have that, you never need to come back. Another bad sign bad sign for a town you go what do you do here they go barbecue dinosaur bar that's all we have like that's just a chain syracuse is rough that was the room i remember that at the time my agent told me uh she goes you're uh you're banned from all funny bones what did you walk 20 people in syracuse what do you do last night i was like my act what do you what do you think i'm like melting down i'm bombing it's syracuse you and kramer had the same result do you guys get walkouts still at all i do every now and then rarely why because they probably just didn't know how do they not know at this point some people just are like i'll go see comedy they don't yeah i did i had one of the liberty funny bone last time i did it it was a religious couple and i did some religious jokes and they walked but they're usually polite about it they're not usually like fuck did you call it out or i

didn't even see it the guy told me later he's like yeah the couple older couple left because you did a you know catholic joke i remember one time they i was doing Rooster Teeth Feathers. Oh, I've done there. I've done there. I bagged the book there. Years ago. She was headless. She didn't give me head. I'm doing a bit.

And as I'm walking out, the woman goes, she goes, fuck you. You suck. And the door just shuts. And I was like, all right. And I just heard a woman go, I think you're doing great. That hurt worse. That's worse. Because I was like pitied.

Yeah, yeah. It was terrible. But there's no green room at that Roosters, right? No. You have to stay outside. Yeah, outside. Yeah. Yeah, you're on the go.

Do you hear about this comic Erica Rhodes? What happened at Hyatt? Yeah, what was that? I like Erica. So she went for a walk. And they just unbooked her. Because there was no green room in the club. Oh. So she just takes a walk. And then she comes back. And they're like and they just unbooked her. They just had, because there was no green room in the club. So she just takes a walk and then she comes back and they're like, you're unbooked.

What? Yeah, but there's a green room at that hyena's. Yeah, I know. She said, maybe she's, there's like another room there. I don't know. Huh? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, how do you go find her?

How do you, I mean, look, maybe she shouldn't have walked away, but how do you not do a show without her? Isn't she the headliner? They brought someone else i guess that's crazy there's always comics hanging around waiting for their big shot right yeah like just here to support but they really just want you to not be able to do it they want you to have a stroke and not be able to go up there maybe the headliner just came here to check you out they used to pay people back in the day like the strip of those clubs on weekends in case a comic didn't

make it and you just like got a hangout spot right well you always hear that although those old souls jesus i'm drunk you ever see those old stories of like uh ah sandler didn't show get up there kid and there's a guy with a cigar with his feet up going you got it yeah i mean that was at the store but we're already paid regular so it's like i had a show in the belly room and then the sound guy's like yo man uh this guy you forgot what date it was i need you to go in there and do 10 i'm like all right so there's a lot of scrambling like that yeah but it's never like you young whippersnapper you've got what it takes totally get on yeah yeah i have i had the thing in hilarities recently because now like the special came out and like now people are more

they're coming you know it's great but then there's still the people who just go to see the show and then this woman uh i heard her say i did not sign up for this and she got up and four dudes with backward white hats were like get the fuck out bitch go how great is that that you have like people fighting for you now yeah yeah i'm telling these guys like sometimes you get shit on in the comments or whatever or like because i do this works on stuff show where i'm just like doing jokes off of a pad because i'm working on it and some people are like why is he holding the paper and then people are like yo he's working on shit you dumb piece of shit this is his process stupid yeah yeah yeah people like caping for you now yeah but then you can't

be like yeah get her boys you know like in the moment you're right she is a bitch and she's flat as hell they take it way too far like Jesus yeah we're with her now that's like the best club hilarity god it's so good that's in my top five

I think Cleveland yeah I should do it I've never done it before great food great room that old man is the best

Nick legendary love Nick one of the best I went to I did a theater there last time I was there

and I just like went and had dinner with them after and it was like the best fucking hang of course Vitor we're leaving i was like man great meal great hang veder's like i give the meal like a b-plus fuck you gary yeah he's such a foodie he's such a food snob it was good food it's good food really really good for clubs it's like the best i did the theater there the agora and i went to the club and they fed me yeah same here no really

i was getting drunk there was great oh yeah sam and uh nick they're the two best sam sat me down at the end of the weekend and he's like hey you want to uh you want us to tell your agents how much you made and i was like yeah right that's what you do and he's like hold on hold on here's your check and then here's another check we're gonna tell him about this check what a a guy. Yeah, dude. I don't know what you'd be saying that. Yeah, we shut him fire. Let's cut that out for you.

Nah, fuck him. All right. Yeah, we're good. Yeah, your agent doesn't listen. No, no. Not to my voicemails. Yeah. Yeah, nothing.

That's the best. That's one of the best clubs, though, ever. Yeah. Great club. It's so rare that people actually give a fuck like that well they really care and they will like watch your set yeah they'll notice every little thing and they tape the shows yeah every club listen to that do this shit i know it's greeks greeks run the best clubs oh it's their greek comedy on state greeks oh yeah yeah well what is it about greek people that just love they run business as well yeah diners yeah not their country you know that building the comedy on states in is called the

paris building they own that entire building really yeah oh yeah i was just there that club is fucking it's magical yes it is it's one of the great two albums i did there yeah oh yeah that's how hot that you ever done that one coming on state' Out State? Yeah. I've only done it once. I want to go back. Everyone wants back. Yeah. Yeah, I had a good time, man. It's like,

they just treat you right, man. That's a, great food. It's just a good city. It's just a good. Even Anna? Yeah. Even Anna.

Shout out. Like, New York has great food at all our comedy clubs, which is not a thing in LA, really. You know what I mean? Like, the stand has great food, the cellar. True.

That's something I've noticed about New York. That's only the two. That's it. It's all down there. So that's not... Caroline's didn't update their menu in, like, 20 years. I remember when we were young comics, that chicken parma was like, oh, my God.

Then you get older, you're like, this is fucking bad. Yeah, you feel like hell after. But, yeah, two clubs have good food. Yeah. Just two. I thought it was everything. Popcorn and hot dogs. Yeah, but feel like hell after. But yeah, two clubs of good food. Just two. I thought it was everything. Popcorn and hot dogs. Yeah, but that's good.

You don't want people eating spaghetti. Yeah, I don't want to be on stage and see someone cutting into a skirt steak. It's fucking pungent. You can't even talk over the sizzling. I was at a club last night and like eight pizzas came out. And you're like, not only are they not paying attention because they're cutting the slices and they're peeling off a pepperoni but now their mouth is full of food so i'm like am i bombing or are you hungry you don't want there to be ideally food and the crowd no do the gigs where they have the prime rib dinner and then also

there's a comedy show yes those are big in the mountain time zone people just coming up and getting more ground beef oh yeah you're standing behind them i know and then they don't even get a show because they're just like oh who got the jalapeno poppers pass that over here then the guy's just going nuts on wings and then the show's over right you're like you never left because you're too busy you know stuff on their face going down on that taco salad yeah those better be corporate gigs we're making stupid money otherwise like don't fucking yeah you want to work gigs we were making stupid money otherwise like don't fucking yeah you want to work on these were the worst gigs ever they paid like 200

dollars and you had to split gas with the headliner yeah what's the best corporate you've done like it was actually fun a good one a good one it's 99 9 out of 10 bad for me i know i know yeah i had one really good one and that but here's the's the kicker. It was like they had me at a steakhouse. It was like a night they were giving out. There was a scotch sampling woman, so she's like getting me fucked up. I kill. They bring me back next year,

and the mic doesn't work. And it's like I couldn't have topped the first year. It just went perfect. I come back. The mic doesn't work, and I'm trying to i'm trying to scream my jokes and i just eat shit and uh and i just lost all the the legend of that show was right right it wasn't a paycheck though right the second it was good yeah all right it wasn't

a corporate but it was uh there's a bunch of jam bands in colorado and they have this big christmas party all these bands and this guy was a fan he's like hey you want to come to our Christmas party it's good check you know I was like for sure I get there and he has a Santa suit and he's like yeah put this on uh we'll come back and get you and I'm like what and he's like oh they didn't tell you I was like what do you mean he's like yeah you'll be Santa and people will come up and uh we give everyone a present they're gonna open it they'll sit on your lap and uh it's the show. You kind of riff on it. And I was like, what? So I go up there.

And the first person who comes up is a woman wearing one of those. It's made of mesh. Oh, yeah. You can see her enormous breasts. And she comes up there. And they gave her a dildo. And she's like, I know what to do with this. And then she fucking starts fucking herself with the dildo while she's sitting on my lap.

What? Yeah, yeah. That was like the first person who came out. And that's how you met your wife. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah. I like that you thought you had a gig and they turned you into fucking- Santa.

Steve Schrippa from The Sopranos. You're doing the fucking Santa. I'm shy. Damn, dude. That's wild. That was good. It was a good gig. I did it the next year next year too did you do

a set no i just sat up there and be like a riff on whatever the present yeah yeah well the next year were you like where's that mesh lady right yeah she od'd after the last show it was bad ketamine yeah i've done some bad i did a corporate gig they paid crazy money this is a long time ago so i needed the money they put me in a limo to Philadelphia. It was at like the Four Seasons Ballroom. They bought me a tuxedo. They fed me. It was for pharmaceutical awards.

That was the whole show. I was the host of this award show. So not only did I have to do jokes up top, but I had to do like, okay, the winner this year goes to Orenthal for sleep apnea. These are hard to say names, too. Yeah. You got to say OJ. Yeah, too. You gotta say OJ. Exactly. Killing the most wives. You think Ozempic's gonna sweep at the next one?

It'll sweep, yeah. Viagra was up there, Xanax, all the class. Benton Hall kills it every year. But it was like a three-hour gig, and I got fired within 15 minutes. That's not bad, 15 minutes. Well, they were like, 15 minutes. Yeah. Well, they were like, be clean.

I did my act. I had a joke about how vibrators are like self-checkout kind of. And this lady gets up, walks out, and they go, that was the CEO's wife. She's furious. Oh, no. So then like Bob from accounting had to go up there and be like, oh, so. Just terrified. Yeah.

I got paid. They ever do a college gig where you forget how young these kids are like they're children you know like they're young adults and like they're bringing you up and and they're like trembling they're part of yes the organization that brought you out there like we're so excited to bring out this person and then they don't know to say your name last they're like yeah sam morrell's coming out he's fantastic he's been on conan yeah he's been on yeah here he is there you go thank you thank you so much that was unnecessary but i could have done a better job at this but but they mean well they do they're those kids are adorable bill burke came to my college when i was uh a freshman and they let me open that's awesome he was really cool but it was a fucking i don't know 1100

cedar and 80 kids showed up and they were spread out it was like a bad gig that's like inspiring and he was like he was fucking amazing he had like bits i'd never i don't even know if they were in specials but he had a bit about uh remember when uh the pistons and the pacers had that fight oh the malice and the power he had a bit about he's like i fucking loved it he's like i loved it he's like because what do you say to these athletes fuck you come up here he's like well they came up there yeah i like i love that take on it i know and to have topical stuff in college with 80 people is fun he was he was fucking great i've seen the doc on malice in the palace oh yeah yes it's so good so good all those uh untold or whatever yeah those are all killer.

Excellent. I opened for Eugene Merman at the Colorado School of Mines, which is like an engineering school. I've done that school. Yeah, it's a good gig. But it was the one week of the year they have off, so they banned water bottles. Because the year before, they came in with vodka in the water bottles. Yeah, so people were drinking vodka. I saw them in the crowd out of plastic bags that they'd tape taped to their bodies so i go up i have a good time i'm goofing

with the kids and then eugene merman goes up there and some kid is like bob's burgers do the voice and he's like i will not be doing the voice this evening do the voice though he's like i will not and then it just was 45 minutes of kids screaming at him oh him refusing to do the voice yeah that's that bittersweet shit where you're like hey i made a bunch of money i got a great gig but then that's all they want oh yeah it was tough on him poor guy he's funny he's very funny yeah that's all i'm open for i'm open for someone at caroline's when i was a kid and he was fucking hilarious yeah he was awesome had that comedy festival that he ran. Oh, yeah.

That's right. Is it still going on or no? I don't think so. He's off. But if you want to send me 40 bucks, I'll pass your tape along. VHS. Yeah, I'll give you my demo.

Yeah, Merman. I opened for Pete Holmes there. Oh, wow. Boy, did I eat shit. Yeah? Yeah. It was bad. Ooh.

That was, you know, new. So what can people, both on YouTube, Sam Talen. sam talent yours is already out mine's out yeah it's on matt and shane's secret podcast page that's awesome hell yeah i kind of like you did with doug key yeah yeah bigger platform carmen lynch yeah mine's just on my youtube so youtube.com slash he man or there you go yeah i just put out a travel show on my youtube nice samtalent.com really sam talent on youtube yeah check that out i'm proud of it definitely chop yours up for clips man like i am i caption it and because honestly it's cool that yours has so many views already but like you're gonna get even more people via clips yeah you'll have one clip that pops off

and does like 12 mil or something you'll be surprised yeah i would be surprised if 12 people watched a clip so no no it's good shit i have been but then you just have your grid is just you in the same outfit in front of the same backdrop but it's like i am i just put it out today check out my album the headless asian oh it's uh all right but yeah yeah Get some bodega cat Sorry I'm hung over I feel like I dragged ass on this show Sorry I'm late I feel so shitty about it This is the one I was stoked for

Then Turner's like Hey how about you do 15 Before you do the good one Okay thanks Turner Have fun over there in your ivory castle buddy Out in LA Sam is on the road See him in Timonium I believe that's Magoobie's right Have fun over there in your ivory castle, buddy. Yeah. He's a good guy. Out in L.A. Get out of here. And Sam is on the road.

See him in Timonium. I believe that's Magoobie's, right? Yeah, yeah. Stand Up Live or Tempe Improv? Desert Ridge Improv. Yeah, the new one. Levittown, New York. Yeah, how's that?

How's Governors? It's a fight. A night fight. Oh, good. You'll have fun. Yeah, it's a classic. Traverse is a good comedy town. Fort Worth, Vancouver.

Arcata? Arcata? Arcata, yeah, Northern California. Hood River. You're hitting it. Oh, where are you playing? Seattle. Sorry?

Where are you playing in Seattle? I don't remember. Oh, okay, okay. Click on the good one, I hope. Go to Sam's website. Yeah, yeah. I need to get ticket links on most of those, but hey, it's the thought that counts. Go to NOLA.

I'll give you some good recs. Dude, it's my favorite city in the country. Get out of here. I've been there once a year since I was like 14. Hell yeah. My wife proposed to me there. Whoa. It's the best, man.

What? You've never been? I've never been. Oh, boy. I'll take it. It's like Montreal with black people. I love both of those. I love Montreal and black people.

Yeah. Yeah, I think this comes out next. Yeah, so Salt Lake and then the special. But yeah, that's all. See you in Salt Lake this week. Edit a late show on Thursday. Nice. And then the special.

And then I'm probably going to chill for a minute. Chill. You earned it. I probably won't. You're filming out the Wilbur? Yeah. That's cool, man. It's going to be fun.

It's one of the great rooms, too. I love it. Yeah, no, we did it last year. And it's always somewhere I've kind of been. I'm like, I fucking love how intimate it is. Yeah. We've got seats. I'm it. Yeah, no, we did it last year, and it's always somewhere I've kind of been. I'm like, I fucking love how intimate it is. Yeah. We've still got seats. I'm pumped.

It's one of the best. All right, Raleigh, Austin, Tucson, Phoenix, Charlottesville, El Paso, Albuquerque, Memphis, Little Rock, Knoxville, Chattanooga, Syracuse, Buffalo, Vianney, Annapolis, Madison, Louisville. So Los Angeles, we're doing that Netflix Fest. You guys doing that? I passed on the offer. Really?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Shit. I'm sure you're in like the Nokia Theater or something. No. I was at the UCB that's not actually in Hollywood at like 6 o'clock. Oh, geez.

Sorry. No, it's all right. All right. I'm doing that Dr. Phil show with Adam. Oh, that's awesome. He's blowing up. Oh, yeah. God, he's so good. I think we're having him on here soon. Oh, yeah. You got that right. He's so good at that. I don't that Dr. Phil show with Adam. Oh, that's awesome. He's blowing up. Oh, yeah. God, he's so good.

I think we're having him on here soon. Oh, yeah. You got that right. He's so good at that. I don't even want Adam. I'm like, bring Phil and keep Adam at the door. No, I'm just kidding. We love you, Adam.

And yeah. Keep on keeping on. Bodega, Patreon, special, Afghan Hound. Toad's Morale. Toad's Morale. Toad's Morale. Buy Bodega Cat at bodegacatwhiskey.com. And we love you guys. Watch both of their specials.

Sam Talon for He-Man War. Both very funny guys. And we'll see you next week. Woo! Woo! Nice. Sunday's the day for my next bender. A bit of Pivorecki rec you know the beer juice close i've had a little too much

bourbon and norman's talking shit about the fucking pope and i get down in the same way up on the roof like a cop's coming and naked samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way. We might be true.