We Might Be Drunk - Ep 17: Manhattan & Hot Toddy

Episode Date: April 5, 2021

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One more drink, one more drink You know in the morning for sure we gon' stink One more round, one more round It's 5 a.m., you pricks, the barkeep frowned This is what we do, catch up for a few We'll riff and talk some shit and then we'll sleep till two talk some shit and then we'll sleep till two let's rock whoa that's the old the al bundy let's rock remember that al bundy man classic Remember that? Al Bundy, man. Classic. Did you watch that?

Oh, sure. Great one-liners, man. I know. Ron Leavitt. He said he made that show and he was like, no one will ever watch this. It's going to get canceled in a week. It did like nine seasons. Great. I mean, dude, that's like the all-time great come in and be a great character. Jefferson? He replaced

A character and became more popular Than the guy replaced that never happens Oh Ted McGinley the handsome guy Yeah he was good Darcy was good Applegate Peggy was good Katie Segal is on like 10 shows now Still hot

Still hot so milfy with the high hair And the weird heels. Yeah, the new show, though, it's such a network-y show. I know. It's like a lawyer whose name is Hunter or something. Yeah, I hate when they do that. Her first name is Law, and her last

name is Hunter. Yeah, her first name is Law, her middle name is And, and her last name is Order. Like, all right. We got it. A little on the nose there, CBS. It's a Truman show was, you know, he's Truman. And then the director was Kristoff, like Christ.

It's like, come on. It's so on the nose. It's funny when people do that. Yeah, I mean, dude, this has been one of the best weekends I've had. Maybe in a year. Maybe. I mean, the comedy club's opening, seeing the pals, and the weather all came together. So you got back.

Did you work on Friday? You did a seller spot Friday, right? I did, yeah. I knew a couple people would flake, and I jumped in. So I forgot to put a veil in Because I'm never here on the weekends I got all the people who didn't show up I got all their spots

Yeah, Cellar was amazing So those of you that don't know New York Comedy Club opened up on Friday And my first spot At a New York Comedy Club In over a year Was Jerry Seinfeld Dropped into Gotham spot at a new york comedy club in over a year was it was jerry seinfeld dropped into gotham that's right and he went on before the host because he wanted to be the first comedian on stage it was

it was a meaningful night to him and to all of us obviously sure it was cool to see jerry be like this is this is important it was cool to see him feel that moment Yes And it's fun to go on after Jerry Of course And they're already amped up now Like it's not going to be a bad crowd now You saw Seinfeld open

Then the host then you So it's actually kind of a sweet spot Yeah it was nice man And then Seller saw some of Louie ray romano was there tonight i heard rock was there i missed him i heard amy was there i missed amy but uh saw amy yeah it was great just seeing the people go ape shit when she went on stage you're like oh my god we are back like these people are seeing celebrities everybody's laughing everybody's happy everybody's drinking mcdougal was popping love it It's a great feeling where you're like

I'm so grateful It's important to be grateful You know And then the host does like three minutes before And you're like come on Just bring me up So true I know

I know It's amazing because like This is just our normal life That we did for ten years And then Now that it's back We're like It's amazing This is our life That's just it's back, we're like, Oh, it's amazing.

This is our life. That's just what it is. And we're like, this is incredible. If you take away anything, you take away a toothbrush for a year, a toothbrush is going to be amazing. It feels like you went on a break with like your soulmate.

It's like your soulmate. It's like, we need some time. I need to find myself. And you're like, all right. And you're just for a year, just having the saddest sex

Of your entire life You're miserable You want to kill yourself And then she's like Get back in here And you're like Yes I'm back

I'm finally gonna get My balls licked again But Can I just say That back to Married with children And then we'll get back To the comedy club

Because that's big stuff But Please If you watch First of all Married with children got a ton of like feminists hate it and they got all these horrible reviews no ma'am no ma'am everybody hated uh you know my mom she's like how could you watch this it's degrading to women too yeah

and i was like i don't know i'm nine this is hilarious the guy's a shoe salesman he's looking at tits all day but uh it was so it's so funny how people work Because we just keep going back to the simple shit Like look at TikTok It's like girls dancing And then like horrible comedy videos That are so broad So basic You know like a girl bends over

And a guy's like damn Then she gets up and it's a man You know and you're like We just keep going back to the primitive shit Every time Well I've said this a million times But ancient Greek comedy And you're like, ah! We just keep going back to the primitive shit every time. Well, I've said this a million times, but ancient Greek comedy, 400 BC, Aristophanes, shit like that, it's rape, dick, and fart jokes. Exactly, exactly. They're making the same fucked up jokes we still make.

There's a reason they've lived on. I mean, Lysistrata, that's the famous one. The men go to war and the women won't fuck them until they end the war ah that's great i mean that's like that could be made today that's fucking funny that's still funny it's still funny midgets farts uh sex dicks you're right poo it's funny that that was such a politically incorrect show even if it's time and it knew it and it's so funny i mean a lot you would just come in and say shit like you know a fat lady came into the shoe store today and everyone would cheer yeah almost

almost in the way danger feels like i was with a girl the other day she was real loose how loose was she it was like they were winding up The studio audience Yes Yes Old Dangerfield joke I used to love I'll tell you My ex-girlfriend was fat

How fat was she? Well I would drop a I would drop a drop of water In her belly button It was an echo My favorite was When Meat Wally sparks

When he goes up to a couple Making out on the dance floor You two should go get a room Then he walks up goes up to a couple Making out on the dance floor You two should go get a room Then he walks up to a fatter couple Making out on the dance floor You two should go get a warehouse That's a great joke That's a great joke

That's a great joke Oh man Married with Children was classic It was a classic And you re-watch it sometimes And some of those one-liners are gold man just a miserable married couple yeah he's living in the past he was a high school star athlete there's so many so that's the thing is he's an asshole but his life is shit

so you kind of have to give him that pass he works in a shoe store where he gets abused all day his wife never sleeps she is hot though that's the funny thing i know that he's just they had to like kind of make her look ridiculous but you're like she's still kind of hot definitely hot the daughter was hot and then i loved it the whole gag is he hates his life he hates his kids he hates his job and all he wants to do is sit on the couch watch tv with a beer and put his hand in his pants that was the big joke the Hand in the pants he did that in the place We had It's so good man and so good And and the whipped Husband like you didn't see that on tv a lot

The power woman with the with the With the arm candy husband Right short haircut Yeah so true good point It was like that that Versus Roseanne it was kind of like those were the Two kind of like trash shows that Were beloved beloved I mean Roseanne. It was kind of like those were the two kind of like trash shows that were beloved. Beloved.

I mean, Roseanne, though, that was actually like a really good show, I think. Yeah, it was. It was the first time like a fat family was on TV and they were trashy and poor. That was great. Yeah, man. Norm Macdonald wrote on that. Did he really? Oh, yeah.

They had a lot of funny writers, I think. Damn. Yeah, that was classic. I was more of a married with children guy, but I definitely respected Roseanne. I was, too. My parents watched it, but, like, 90s had some solid, I mean, we had Seinfeld,

and Friends was big. It wasn't my favorite show. And Will and Grace you rewatch. It's not great. No. Simpsons, though? Simpsons! Come show And Will and Grace you rewatch It's not great No Simpsons though Simpsons Come on

Will and Grace Yeah I never really did it for me Acting is great But it's just not It's not my cup of tea Nah it was It was so theater And

Speaking of Norm Macdonald He had one of the best points I ever heard He's like This show is supposed to be like Progressive and Supporting gays But

They're just laughing At the gayness of it. He'd come in and go, I got a date tonight. They'd all laugh. And you're like, he's a gay guy, got a date. What's the joke? They're just laughing at him because he's gay, I guess. It was just big to get that many gay characters in a sitcom.

That's the thing. It's still, what was it, NBC? It's not like they're going to take an edgy take on it Yeah, yeah, totally But Jack, whatever That guy was such a talent Sean Hayes, that guy is so funny But he would come in and be like, I got new jeans

And the audience would go crazy And you're like, that's not even a joke He's just laughing because he's gay And saying it like a gay guy Yeah, that's a good point But yeah, that was the night We had a couple of killers A couple of great movies

Great music Sandler That was the rise of Sandler And Jim Carrey Yes Yes, and like All the Tom Hanks Spielberg joints

All that shit Pulp Fiction Woo Boogie Nights Boogie Nights PTA Fargo Lebowski

Even like my big fat Greek wedding Which is not our cup of jizz Never saw it It was an independent movie and it just blew up Even like Sex and the City was a good show It was I saw Charlotte in a diner once Kristen Davis, beautiful woman

I was probably 7th, 8th grade I was in with the basketball We were in our basketball shorts I said, oh, I've seen your show She goes, you're too young to have seen my show I was like, oh yeah, then how come I know your husband can't get hard Huge laugh in the diner She laughed really hard, I was like, hell yeah

How have you never told me that? That's an amazing story I don't know Huge laugh in the diner. She laughed really hard. I was like, hell yeah. How have you never told me that? That's an amazing story. I don't know. I thought you froze. No, I was literally frozen. Holy shit, that's incredible. She was beautiful, yeah. Beautiful.

Yeah, that show is like, it's funny. It's coming back, but without Samantha. And you're like, how do you do that shit with that? She was like the, she was the wild card. You can't do the show without the wild card. She's coming back, but without Samantha. And you're like, how do you do that shit with that? She was the wild card. You can't do the show without the wild card. She's the Kramer of that show. She was the weird one in the comic relief. Which is funny, because if they do Seinfeld, Kramer's probably not coming back.

That's true. That show is edgy, too. If you rewatch it, they're like, Samantha almost fucked a black guy. They're like, woo, that was close you know like shit like that we were like damn i don't remember that oh yeah i saw a bunch of those when i that show we weirdly provided comfort on the road if i would be you know if i'm like scrolling in the hotel and i miss new york and i just i'm like oh shit tbs you know that's all tbs had was like back then at least it was sex in the city reruns family guy reruns and like the worst created shows of all time yeah yeah every show was like one woman

who was like three guy friends and she's like oh you guys i'm cool i i i watch sports and you're like right right who is this for who is this show for i drink beer i'm wearing a jersey and a baseball hat yeah that's so true but they every now and then tbs would have like a back to the future marathon they play shawshank redemption four times a day or casino or breakfast club it felt like a friend who had great taste and stuff But then when he was like, I want to tell you a joke You're like, fuck, alright Yeah, yeah, just stick to telling me The Carlin bit Shawshank's a tough one not to watch

If it's on TV If it's on TV, you're watching it in movies I mean Casino, I just always watch it No matter where it is All the Scorsese Casino is so watchable for sure It's like a three hour violent music video

It's kind of And it's every character is so hateable That they become kind of likable I know I know I love it I love that fight in the desert Where they're like you motherfucker You Jew bastard you piece of shit And he's like I knew you shouldn't come out here

And it's so realistic They seem like real friends. It's amazing. Yeah, dude. Pesci's so good in that movie. Frank Vincent, right? Fuck. That was... James Woods. Sharon Stone. Don Rickles. Alan King is in it. Yeah, so hot. Kevin Pollack.

Damn. A lot of comedians in that movie. A lot of comedians. Yeah, it's Vegas, baby. Love it. And then, yeah, you said Breakfast Club, too, for sure. Yeah, No Country for Old Men. That was on HBO a lot for a while, and I would just, I would watch the last

ten minutes, the first ten minutes. I mean, no matter where it was, I would watch it. Yeah, the Coen brothers are kind of you can't do wrong. Yeah, they had a couple of rom-com Things I didn't love Bardem is so fucking Oh I liked Intolerable Cruelty I even liked that one

I liked that one cause Clooney's so damn charming He's got that Cary Grant thing man He's the best But uh dude Javier Bardem in No Country Is so so fucking scary So scary And so good. That damn cow thing with the fucking...

Wait a minute, are you drinking non-booze? No, no, I got a hot tod, dog. Oh, nice. I was worried you were going sober on us. No, no, no, it's hurting me. Just for the record, I do have some sort of reflux going on right here, and I'm still powering through for the pod, so... All right. What do you got, I do have some sort of reflux going on right here, and I'm still

powering through for the pod. All right. What do you got? A hot toddy? What is that? Bourbon and honey? I just did hot water. I think you're supposed to do lemon juice, but I can't take that for the acidity. So I just did bourbon, water, and a little honey, yeah. All right, all right. I love the gentle alcoholic. I can't take the acidity, I'll just have the poison What do you got? I got the old fashioned Couple ice cubes, you know how it is Oh no, Manhattan, Manhattan

I'm sorry, sorry, Manhattan, jeez, you're right Cause you got from the courier Fireside cocktails, baby They sent us a bottle of Manhattan And I'm not a huge mixer guy. You know, you get the margarita mix or the Bloody Mary mix. I want to make my own goddamn cocktail, but this shit tastes damn good, and it tastes like a Manhattan. Yeah, well, they sent us that, and they sent the Negroni, too, right?

Yeah. So it's just a bottle, but it's just mixed. Yeah. It's pre-mixed. You just pour it over ice. It's a bottle, but it's just mixed. Yeah. It's pre-mixed.

You just pour it over ice. With the bourbon in there already. And I wish I had a garnish, but I get worried these bottles, they come real sweet sometimes. And this ain't too sweet. It's fucking perfect. So well done, Fireside. Hate it too sweet. You know what that would be nice for is a green room. You're on the road.

Yes. I mean, especially if you're in a theater-y type venue where they don't have a bar. Yeah. You should have one of those in there That's fucking nice Also, it's good if you're a single chap And you got a couple of hookers coming over Or a couple of ladies, whatever it is And you just go, oh, you wanna

I'll make you, I got the best Manhattan in the city And you go in the kitchen, just They think you come out there with a real cocktail It's nice, you don't have to buy all the ingredients You can just, I mean come out there with a real cocktail it's nice you don't have to buy all the ingredients you can just i mean i love making a drink i do love kind of do it but this is kind of a nice you know it's a nice alternative if you if you're lazy or you just you know exactly get a woman over you don't want to have her waiting for too long you just get it going get it going yeah you can keep in the fridge you just pour it over You just have it straight up Yeah, yeah, I mean it tastes that good

And the bourbon's already in there It's not bad Maybe I'll try that next week You try it, I'm gonna do the Negroni I love making my own Manhattans, it's my only thing Yeah, yeah, it's nice It's all about the ritual It's like, I had a friend who loved rolling joints

He wouldn't even maybe take a hit, but he just goes, I'll roll it, I'll roll it. Or the guy at the grill, I'll do that, I got it. I love that guy. Love that guy. Yeah, I don't want to do it. The guy's like, I'll drive. You're like, great, you drive, I'll drink. You drive, I'll drink. It's a fucking...

I don't want to do the work part. So you're drinking the Manhattan. You're a Manhattan guy. You like Manhattan. Oh, yeah. It's got that just touch of bitterness and that kind of blunt flavor. I love it. Just like us, man.

Just a little bit of bitter, but also very sweet. Yes. Hear, hear. Give me a peeve, man. What's going down? Oh, we're going right to the peeve, huh? I mean, I want to break out an email in a little bit, because I love hearing from the

people, but... Yeah, well, I had this one. I'm not going to say who it was, but this is a real cum guzzler, and it kills me every time, and I try to accommodate, but all right, you know when you have a plan, and somebody goes, hey, can I tag along?

And you go, yeah, sure. Tag along. And then they change the plan. I hate that. So just to give you a little context, I was like hanging out with somebody. And I go, all right, well, I'm starving. I'm going to hit Chipotle. And he goes, ooh, I'll go with you. And I go, all right, well, I'm starving I'm going to hit Chipotle And he goes, ooh, I'll go with you

And I go, all right, great, let's get Chipotle And then we're halfway there and he goes What do you think about this place? And I'm like, I'm going to Chipotle He's like, let's go here And now I'm like, well, I thought we were going to Chipotle He's like, let's go here, this will be better So I went there, I'm a coward

What place did you end up going? We went to like a She-she Manhattan taco place Damn You know they're Al-Qaeda these people You know cause Al-Qaeda They hijack planes This motherfucker hijacks plans

I like that That's big I hate a plan hijacker They're the worst That's big yeah You came along for the ride and you went another way. That wasn't part of the plan.

I know. You suckered me into the hang and then you shifted the plane right into the second tower. You're right. That's a hijack. That's ISIS. That's a hijack, man. That pisses me right off. I know. I was like

Resenting him while eating these fancy $18 tacos Damn So he just picked a different Mexican place It was the same type of thing You had a meal in mind And he took that from you Completely

And I was like okay Because he was dead set on it He saw the place and he just hit him Like a ton of bricks And I was like, alright He wanted his thing more than I wanted mine So I gave in But I shouldn't have

I should have said, I'll meet you outside with my burrito bowl I hope it was a close friend Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah Good egg, good guy It doesn't hurt the relationship But I remember when it happened I said, I'm writing this down for the pod Isn't that that funny i'm more alert of shit when someone does something that bothers me it doesn't bother me as much because i know that i'll at least get the vent about it here

right that's so true even when a horrible thing happens i'm like ah at least it's some fodder remember when we were real young in comedy and we would just bitch about something In the business for like 45 minutes Straight on a street corner at 2am And then we'd just both at the same time be like Alright good vent good vent Yes oh so we'd spend hours on a corner That's all we did Freezing our tits off just talking about one booker

That didn't respect us And they're probably A fucking bar back now That's the funny thing But that's why you got to do it because you don't want to be the bitter comic at least just get it out with your friends get it out and i gotta get it out with you so i'm not talking to some stranger and yeah you know dayton ohio and i'm like this fucking guy's like who is this guy he's so angry because i didn't get it out i got it out that's what you got to do exactly you got to get it out and how about how about when you start shitting on a guy and they go oh dude that's

like my my best friend that's my roommate or that's my writing partner and you're like oh god that's the worst the worst and you go i was joking i love that guy i've done that before for sure oh yeah but that's the thing is like the people like the close friends you have that ball here's a here's a peeve i got so the close friends you have like we can shouldn't each other and it's kind of good and and peaceful and silly and when you get someone ball busting you you want it to be from a place of warmth bad ball busters whether it be whether it be someone who just shits on you in a way that's like a little too real or mean yeah or or if it's someone who's just not that close to you so you're like is he fucking with me yeah that's bad i got i got a middle finger across the room from someone i'm

not that close to recently and i was kind of like i i don't know are we closer in your mind or are you just telling me to go fuck myself Yeah and the middle finger Was never that funny I mean look we've all done it in a photo Just to be cute or whatever But I don't know the middle finger I get nothing from that It's not a twist it's not a turn

It's just like it's funny because it's mean That's not enough for me It's got to be a real close friend for me It's got to be someone who I know Is saying fuck you because I know they love me It's gotta be like Joe Mackey Or someone If it's someone whose personality

Is so bubbly that they're giving you the finger Then it's funny Exactly he's such a cute little guy That when he does it you're like wow It's like a 10 year old doing it That's funny A kid being vulgar is funny Oh that's fucking gold

I mean that's what the little rascals was And problem child All that shit South Park Yes so true So the bad roasting Or the people who just say mean shit to you Be like what you can't take it I thought you were a comedian

No I am I'm a comedian. Just like, no, I am. I'm a comedian. I'm maybe that means that I have a decent, you know, did you hear me shitting on myself on stage? I can take, I can make fun of myself. Yeah. I thought you actually like hate me.

That's why I'm being like, oh, okay. Right. Right. Yeah. And there's no joke to it. You know,

like Ellen had that funny joke about, uh, Hey, nice haircut, idiot. And she's like, geez, she's like, well, I was just joking.

Well, you don't know how to joke properly. We should both be laughing. That's an old Ellen back when she was fun and normal and straight. Ellen had another great bit. She would say to her PAs, die, cunt. Thought it was pretty funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, her ratings are through the floor

And again, back to my point It all comes back to the primitive Two guys talking on a podcast Maybe not ours, but some other podcast Gets better ratings than her Primitive It's weird I don't know, man

I think talk shows also I don't even know if it's just her thing I think like she took a break I think the hiatus hurts you a little bit. And then talk shows just don't do as well. It's funny. Remember how much we would have to tinker these late night sets and we'd have to do talk shows and they would be like, this word's better than this word. And you can't do this word. And now it's kind of the point where I'm like, I don't really give a shit if I do them ever again. I do. I had the same realization. Like now that I'm selling a couple of tickets on the road, I'm like, why would I do that?

Why would I change my act and put on it? Look, I get I like the old fashioned vibe of it, the tradition. I get it. But now I'm like, now that we don't really need it, it just seems definitely less alluring. And certain guys were I mean, J.P. O'Connor was always so cool he was always so easy to he would he'd be like if it was one joke i remember he cut from mine he's like we can't have you wishing cancer on someone in the joke for conan's national audience i was like

that's a fair that's a fair uh note you know yeah yeah no he he was he was fair he got it he got us he let us be ourselves but if we stepped over he, he was like, look, it's still TV, man. Like, this is ridiculous. We got away with shit, though. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, you had a blowjob joke out of the gate on one of them with the cabbie. You're getting a BJ.

Yeah, I probably shouldn't have done that joke. That's a great joke. It was all right. The driver, what is it called? The automatic driver? Yeah, that's one i can't believe i got on but i think i know some i think we got cocky to point like that was a problem where at that point i was kind of like let me just see if i can get this on more than i like the joke

right uh but yeah the joke was something about a girl was uh she was jerking me off in the back of a cab that guy said he said you, there's a person driving this car. And my angle was, man, that's like a great ad for driverless cars. You know? That's great. That's why you're a good comic. Because some guy will go, I got jerked off in a cab. It was crazy.

This girl's a slut or whatever. But you had the driverless cab thing, driverless car. And you had an angle with it. And that's good writing. Yeah. It was not my favorite joke. I look back and I'm'm like it might have just been too dirty for a late night Sometimes they're Protecting you in that way Like this is a 5pm audience in Burbank

And people say like why'd this joke hit harder They're fucking tourists in Burbank At 5 in the afternoon I remember it hitting I remember being like wow I was on the road somewhere Watching that joke like damn that killed bank at five in the afternoon i remember it hitting i remember being like wow like i was on the road somewhere watching that joke like damn that killed and uh and that was blue i love when we'd be on the road and we catch each other on late night or catch up on the late nights that's

the most fun watching a buddy just like you're in a hotel room and you're like all right this they're good nights in this you know yes exactly and i don't know if this is I haven't seen Late Night in so long But remember when it would be like Tonight on Conan It's Will Ferrell Whoopi Goldberg and comedian Sam And you're like oh You got to hear that comedian thing

Like I know that guy I did love it I think you were the first one of my friends on Late Night You crushed Your Conan set you crushed Oh yeah that was 2013 I was 29 years old I was terrified

You took Conan's tie and dabbed your forehead And that pic was like a big thing That was a big pic for me That was a big moment He didn't love it I don't think so I was just reeling i was like on another planet i just like give me that uh let's let's keep being funny let's see how funny we can be

what do you say to you he goes uh okay don't do that because his microphone was attached to it so i think he was like what are you crazy and then there was so after that i was like i got more emails about the tie thing than the bits which was a little annoying but i get it so after that, I was like, I got more emails about the tie thing than the bits, which was a little annoying, but I get it. So after that, I felt like every time I did Kona, I had to have a thing at the end, like a weird twist or a gag. So on one of them, I pulled out a 20 and I was going to put it in his suit pocket and tap it down. And I pushed out and I pulled the 20 out and I put it back in my pocket. He goes, he's whispering my ear. He goes, you were going to do something with that 20, weren't you? And I go, yeah. And he put it back in my pocket He's whispering in my ear You were going to do something with that 20 weren't you

And I go yeah and he goes you're a fucking idiot Wow oh my god It was lovingly But he was laughing through his teeth Like you're a fucking idiot He's got to on some level respect Because he knows You look up to him

He must He's a humble guy, but he must. So the fact that you're being that reckless on a moment that he knows is probably important to you, he's got to respect it on some level. Yeah, I hope so, because I grew up like, you'd see Gilbert Gottfried go on Arsenio, and he would grab the camera and go,

ah, you know, and you're like, that's what comics do. We get crazy out there. You know, Belushi's doing cartwheels shirtless And so I wanted a little taste of that But we're so not those guys I mean, you have a little I mean, you're such a pure joke comic You know, you're such a pure joke writer

But that's hilarious I mean, you pussed out on that It's probably for the best Probably for the best, yeah, yeah On one of them, I pulled a headshot of him out And I got him to sign it while we were waving Wow really That was a little more respectful

I have that in my apartment framed of course Damn he's such a nice guy too He's such a legend The greatest On my last Conan I don't know I did 8 of them or whatever He never came in my green room I know all these comics like oh isn't it cool when it comes to your green room

He never did that once for me And then the last one he did And that was nice Yeah, I think he did it once for me I think other shows do that more I don't think he does it But it's like, you kind of get what Well, you do that thing

And then they come in And you have like eight guests and they're stuck And they're just like, this isn't what if it's I bet if they knew it was just you, they'd come in more. But they don't want to fucking meet your aunt. You know, like it's a whole thing for them. I remember Fallon came in my green room. It's like my whole family. It's like my mom, my dad, my brother, my sister, my agent. Yeah, that's a lot.

It's that's their whole job is to sit on a couch and talk to fucking Snooki. And now he's got to talk to our aunt. That's just adding extra work. Yeah. I remember one time I was on the road with Dave Attell and Jeff Ross

years ago. Wow. And Dave, you know, we're in the Borgata and Jeff's room, his green room has got like 40 guests.

It's like, it's like uh you know family cousins yeah two people he met in a bar once two guys like a father and son he met at a bar like literally swimming with guests there's subs everywhere everyone's eating they're socializing i opened the door to a tells room it's like all the sandwiches are saran wrap, nothing's touched. He's smoking a cigarette. He looks up. He goes, hey. That's a comic. And Jeff Ross comes into the green room with family to introduce him to Dave. Right.

He goes, oh, this is my aunt. And Dave goes, oh, great, another aunt. That's fucking perfect. I love it. But the thing is, Jeff knows. So he's He's dying I mean he's laughing his ass off He's like he knows who Attell is But uh So great

That's just a perfect like microcosm of their personalities You know It's like a window into their heads it's great But yeah I totally get it It's like you're on the road I get tired on the road It's like You don't I get tired on the road It's like

Those meeting weeks Will take it out They take it out of you So I can't imagine Running a whole show Oh dude I mean Not to be a cunt But just being on the road

Sometimes And you're hung over On that Saturday You got two shows that night Maybe three shows And then the opener Gets a little too chummy And he's like

So How'd you get started And how'd you learn to write? And you're like, I can't do this right now I gotta go on Yeah, it's tough I was that guy once I feel like I knew to shut up

I learned my lesson to shut up, I think But we've all been that Like in a green room There were comics I looked up to And I'm like, fuck, I want to establish some sort of rapport here i want to i want to be friendly with this guy but i also uh don't want to bother them i mean i have a store i don't know if i should tell it about depalo but uh it was back it's you you and nick no no it's a friend of ours and nick and this guy used to open for nick or he did once and he was like so

nick uh how'd you get started like what's your process and nick's like we're not fucking chicks we don't have to fake conversation and i was like oh oh you know this is like 2001 or something so then our story our friends started opening for nick and this guy goes hey i opened for him once he chewed me out for talking So don't fucking ask him any questions Don't do anything and our friend was like okay Okay and then he Opened for him didn't say a word For like two weeks of opening

And Nick goes You keep your mouth shut you do well on stage Here's a bunch more dates and it worked out Hilarious That's an OG comic Oh yeah I heard that i heard that once and i when i opened for nick and and we got along well because uh because i didn't say shit yeah and then he and then he came over and started chatting with me i was like oh he's a

nice guy but yeah i i've noticed the chattier and the more questions and the more ego on the younger new comic, the worse of a comic. Sometimes, yeah. Sometimes. I can see that. Yeah, for sure. Well, yeah, I mean, we're kind of going over notes. They should be going over notes, right?

Yes. Sometimes you shoot the shit. I want to meet the people I'm working with for the weekend. Of course, of course. So I'll chat with them a little bit. But, like, I mean, yeah, it's a job, man. I mean, we're going over We're going over our notes

And it's I like when I see a comic In there with a notebook Working on this Yes That makes me think Like okay They're taking it seriously

I feel the same way I'm with you Alright Speaking of Taking notes And getting better at stuff We Might Be Drunk Is brought to you by Blue Chew.

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For you Alkies out there Mark and I were chatting at the comedy Cellar last night We wanna make our own liquor We might be drunk bourbon We might be drunk vodka, tequila Whatever you guys are thinking is the best We don't really

Mark and I think we're bourbon drinkers first and foremost But I could be down for fucking To make a tequila that could be kind of fun Maybe we get more women involved with that Yeah yeah you double your sales I don't know a lot of lady bourbon drinkers Maybe it's just me but

I think you're right Women like the clear Yeah and also I mean shit The Rock he's got Terramana Clooney had Casamigos This is the logical next step I mean you shit, The Rock, he's got Taramana, Clooney, head cost amigos. This is the logical next step. I mean, you know, A-list movie stars, us. This is what.

So I think vodka or tequila could be great. I could be down for that. I'm a martini guy for sure. I'll do a tequila. I'll drink fucking anything. I agree. I love, you know, we both love a dirty martini. I love a margarita.

I love tequila on the rocks with a squeeze of lime, whatever it is, or a bourbon, a bourbon and soda, bourbon on the rocks. So email us. How do we do this? That's what we kind of put it in the subject, the liquor. And we might be drunk. We might be drunk pod at gmail.com. But yeah, we want to know how to do this because I think this could be a fun thing.

We make our own booze. We start small, maybe some limited supply thing. Next thing we know, you're at the fucking bar and they're like, what kind of bourbon do you want? And you say we we might be drunk on the rocks. Yes, I love it. I love it. Yeah. I love it I love it

Yeah So Tell us what If you know a guy Who does a barrel Or whatever Or has a distillery Somewhere

And needs a Needs a new Product Placement Whatever it is Let us know Because we want to have Our own bottle

We want to bring it On the road And drink our own shit In Tampa Or Denver Or Austin That'd be so cool man Yeah I would love that

That's That's Because a lot of comics Sell t-shirts We should sell our own boots Corolla did Mangria We can do our own shit Hell yeah

Definitely And we can drink it while we do our pod The people can drink it out with us Out in the pod land We all come together And we might be drunk Maybe that's the name Maybe it's not

We'll think If you have suggestions for a name, we'll listen. Yeah. Yeah, this is all up in the air, all ideas, spitballing. So throw it all at us. But let us know if you think bourbon, tequila, or vodka. Spitballing is kind of a funny name. Oh, yeah.

A spitball. That sounds too gross. It's a little gross, a little elementary, juvenile. Rather elementary. too gross it's a little gross little little uh elementary juvenile rather elementary um let's should we read a p from the remember email us at we might be drunk pod at gmail.com also sign up for the patreon as well if you're enjoying this for a bonus should i read one more yeah hit me this is from gt pet p first i want to say I fucking love the podcast. Watch both your specials half a dozen times. Thanks also for turning me on to Nate Bargatze. That dude kills it.

Nate's a great comedian. This one is more specific to people who have worked in the food service industry. It drives me nuts when you people bring out food to the table and no one seems to remember what they ordered, who had the cheeseburger, and then you just blank stares looking around like an idiot apparently everyone got all timers that

is good the same time how the fuck can you not remember what you ordered drives me nuts every time love the show keep up the great work fellas oh yeah well said good call I like that that's so true and I've seen that and I've done it you know the guy comes up he's like who had the the manicotti and i'm like so anyway this uh you know fucking guy parked at

my parking spot oh shit sorry sorry you know yeah for sure for sure i've done it too but i also i've i've tried not to do it Yeah, yeah Did you ever wait tables? No, I did catering for a while I never did an actual awful gig Yeah Gotta wear that monkey suit Oh yeah, oh yeah

At least with catering Every gig is like, it could be a bar mitzvah It could be an Elks club It could be an old folks thing It could be a bar mitzvah it could be a uh elks club it could be an old folks thing could be a family reunion you kind of mix it up yeah but it's mostly just it's always at night it really killed comedy for a while so that really it was never day shit that really sucked man i waited tables for i don't know 10 years yeah. I mean, that was like the go-to. New Orleans was all service industry.

It was all booze and food. So that's the natural progression. You just, oh, I'm 14. I'll go work as a waiter or a busboy or a bartender. And I hated it. Fuck, man. 10 years? The good thing about restaurants, though, is Is the wait staff is a bunch of psycho

Degenerate We all fucked each other We all did drugs We all drank every night You kind of hang out and you're like this weird Group of misfits And then you'd make a bunch of tips And then you go to the bar next door and spend it all

Yeah The getting fucked up with the staff Is my favorite part of stand up on the road Yeah, and you get that old Glimpse of it when you go back to comedy clubs And you go out with the staff I don't do it as much as I used to But when you're a young comic, you drink with the staff

It's fucking, it's a fun time It's great because you're in their world For a whole weekend, you're like, wow This is what it's like in Indianapolis This is what the people are like, and they're dirty and they're offensive and they're fun and they're smoking and they hate their kids and they hate their house and they fucking hate their they hate the man they're oh fucking bill bill's the worst i fucking hate bill i shouldn't have fucked him that time you know oh it's great you get it on the drama for for sure. Nowhere does standards and practices seem more insane

than when you're just hanging out with food service people who just say fucking anything. Anything. They get yelled at all night, and they have to put a smile on it. So when they get off shift, off the clock, they are just pirates. One lady puts her leg up on the table. You see the ankle band She's on house arrest

Or whatever it is All that shit, C-sections Black eyes, who knows That really That was us early on in stand-up too It was like, you know It was miserable gigs That we'd have to smile for

Oh, so true. So true. And that's what was tough about the pandemic is you went back into that for a second. Like, I'm in the park. I'm on a roof. I'm in a parking lot. Get my ass kicked. But you just got to push through.

Got to push through. You want to read another peeve? Oh, yeah, sure. What do you got? I got Skylar Lutz. I'm a guy. And here's Skylar Lutz I'm a guy and here's my pee I'm a guy I'm a guy and here's my pee Yeah great name

Skylar's cool but he lets you down with Lutz Lutz is 30 Rock man Lutz You never watched 30 Rock Yeah who is that Lutz is the writer on the show. The bald guy? Yeah, yeah.

He's in the writer's room. Judah, Tufor, and Lutz. Yeah, Tufor, by the way. You can never do that now. Nah. Yeah, Skylar Lutz. I'm a guy and here's my peeve. Women on first date who tell you

they want a man who knows what they want, but then keys your fucking car when you tell her she's not what you want. Shaking my head. Peace, Skyler. Jeez. This is a personal peeve. Yeah, this is clearly a specific woman he's pissed about. They tell you what they want in a man but

then they yeah hold on let me reread that a woman on the first date who tells you what they want they want a man who knows what they want but then keys your fucking car when you tell them you don't want them jeez that's kind of funny that's a good point Yeah like he's like I know what I want And it's not you Yeah that's a weird thing I've noticed on dates Is like if you If you don't want to see someone again Sometimes they react in a crazy way

They react in a way Where they're They're like fuck you I thought you were a man You're like I told you Yeah I've been blown off by women I'm just gonna like take the hint I don't know, like, what do you

What else do you do? It's weird when they're like Because that happens I think dating's tough I think people have a hard time out there And you meet a lot of bad people Yeah, there's a reason a lot of people are Some people are single

But I talked to a close friend of mine Female friend, you know, she's With someone now, but when she used to date I remember we'd like, you know, we'd swipe Bumble For her and we'd like look at the men She would do it for me too And I remember she would meet guys She's very attractive

And she would meet guys who If she didn't want to see them again they were so angry they were like what the fuck yeah like what the fuck's your problem and it's like i don't have i don't want to be with you that's not a that's not a personal of course i guess you're taking it personally but it's like you could be great i've met people that are great that i don't want to be with it doesn't mean you're not great just not for me yeah yeah no but people do get mad about that and they get it's almost kind of babyish and i think and this is this sounds like a bit but i think a lot of guys get hurt up front you know like you ever see that guy who goes up and hit on a girl and she's like uh no i'm good no thank you and

he's like fucking dyke or whatever a fucking lesbian over here you're like she's not into you man or she has a boyfriend like relax don't hit her take it easy and then i've noticed after you sleep with a girl she becomes that guy like if you sleep with a girl and you're like i'm kind of good i don't want a relationship right now i'm not looking for anything real they're like fuck, fuck you, you piece of shit. And you're like, I just don't want to be in a relationship. Like, I didn't do anything wrong. That's if you use Bluetooth. See, that would have been a good segue. But no, for real.

Yeah, you're right. I think there's something about, I mean, the power shifted. They know that they have something that you want. Interesting. Right? And they're keeping the guard. And this isn't all women obviously No, it's not all men

But They know that you They know a lot of guys are using those apps To just get laid So that's why they're like keeping a guard How many profiles do you see where like Not here to hook up Which by the way it's like

I've been on dates where they're like You are not getting laid tonight I'm like you're the one who keeps bringing it up by the way I haven't brought it up That's when you know you're getting laid by the way, I've been on dates where they're like You are not getting laid tonight I'm like, you're the one who keeps bringing it up, by the way I haven't brought it up That's when you know you're not laid, by the way Exactly You're not getting laid Do you want to come back to my apartment?

I'm like, are you sure? To not fuck They change into lingerie You are not getting lucky tonight, mister I've had all this, this is happening Totally Yeah, well yeah, there is. You're right.

Yeah, I think it shifts. There's been a shift once you've gotten laid. Men biologically are more invested before they have sex, and women are more invested after. I think that's supported by science, I think. I agree, but how come we're the bad guy? Just because you're upset doesn't mean I'm wrong. I don't know.

I think it depends. I think it depends how you go about it. But sometimes you just get someone who's just like mad. I mean, sometimes you get people, sometimes you get people at a bad time. Like sometimes I'm just not there yet. And it's not,

it has nothing to do with the woman. Like I can meet someone awesome, but sometimes I'm just not over, over it has nothing to do with the woman Like I can meet someone awesome But sometimes I'm just not over the last person You know Yeah but also I mean Just to back it up It's kind of sad that there's a power shift After you have sex

Like I don't know why don't you I mean is that it Just the sex thing I don't know this is going't you... I mean, is that it? Just the sex thing? I don't know. This is going to sound insulting. I think it depends. It depends.

Well, what's going to sound insulting? Yeah. I mean, there's definitely people that I've slept with and I've been like, well, I want to sleep with you again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think sometimes they still have the power. I don't think it's always the case. But I think once a guy knows that he got that, they become cocky.

They become a little cocky. Like, I'll give you an example. My friend, I had lunch with my friend this weekend, and he came into the city. He's staying out of the city right now, but he came in to meet this girl for brunch. And I think they've hooked up before, so he just assumed they were going to hook up. And I was like, you tried so much harder to get laid before with her. Yes. You were taking her to nice dinners.

You took her out for breakfast and you thought she was just going to invite you back like that. That's all I'm saying. You're not trying anymore. Right, right. But here's my question. That's part of the shift, too, is once Once you've gotten it You're doing those nice dinners What's date three? You want to watch a movie at my place?

Sex becomes kind of the goal Of course, it's definitely the goal But he did something to get laid He won her over He impressed her He was charming He had a funny story He was great, intelligent, whatever.

What did she do besides the sex to keep him? That's my point. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I think, but I... That feels more equality-ish to me. It's like, yeah, you both got laid, and now he's over it, but what are you doing to hold on to him like it's i have an

old joke about like this is when your shit kicks in ladies after you sleep with a guy you gotta you gotta bring on the charm now that's kind of the interesting thing where like when you see it switch it's kind of funny like like i'll give you like an app like bumble where the women have to make the first move. Yes. And then you see some of the corny shit they come at. Oh, it's horrific. I'm not going to act like I haven't said some bad openers.

Of course. But I've gotten some turds. Okay? I've gotten some that I'm like, you're hot and I still can't write back because this is brutal. This is brutal. I've had to say, how's your Tuesday going? Oh, that's it I'm fine with that I'm talking about

Like an overly like a ridden shitty One I don't care how's your day that's fine I don't like how's your day It's an icebreaker It's so stock like this is your opener This is it this is your big shot This is your elevator pitch how's your day going Maybe it's not an elevator pitch maybe she's writing

Ten of them, you know? Okay, that too, but like let's say you go up to a girl at a bar. She's a beautiful woman sitting in a bar. You go, how's your day going? If she was like, I don't know. That's fair. I'd be like, yeah, good point. That was a bad opener. Well, good point.

That is a good point. That's not a great opener. And I'm not saying I need a big opener. I'm just saying like, this your chance your shot your first app where you're the first initiator it's a big power shift big cultural shift that's it come on but someone but someone tries too hard i'm put off if it's too much if it's too much effort i if someone just hits me with a sup i'm like oh she doesn't give a shit. I'm listening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you've got some stuff with that, too.

You like a real, I don't want a decent woman here. I want a tortured. I like a real see you next How's Your Tuesday. Yeah. Exactly. But sup is interesting because you're like now I'm intrigued Something very Like lowest Effort ever

Yes I do think but don't you think there's some women out there who just want to fuck I mean I think there's some women Because you're saying like they lose the power Maybe they keep the power because they were good And they know you want to come back for more If you're a great restaurant And i buy a slice of pizza there and it's a damn good pizza you don't lose your power i'm like fuck i want to get more pizza no i'm with you i'm with i'm

completely with you and that's great too i'm all for like anti-slut shaming and all that like let's all fuck that's all we're here for let's do it it feels good why are we so weird about it your slut spit back in the day oh thanks yeah i'm all for that but uh i don't know nikki glazer once confided in in in all of us we did a live podcast and she was she was killing by the way she's so funny like off the cuff she killed yeah incredible she was yeah she's a killer she's a beast but she the cuff she killed yeah incredible she was yeah she's a killer she's a beast but she was like we were talking about she could be like she could be like a female howard stern type she's got like that ability for sure great on radio great on

stage she's got some great jokes but she's so loose and comfortable and she keeps it real which yeah i feel like a lot of people don't do. And she was saying how, look, it's just biological when you fuck a lady. They feel this weird connection because in your mind, subconsciously, or whatever it is, you're like, oh, I'm reproducing with this guy. Like, we're going to have a kid together and blah, blah, blah. And I don't know, live together, whatever it is. But like, that's what your brain thinks because we're all cavemen and women. So like, we're all animals.

And as men, we forget about that. We don't have that. Don't you also think the person getting penetrated is just going to, like, you're literally getting more of an imprint of the person. Of course, of course. Like, don't you think it's more. You let them inside you. You've been inside them. It is more emotional.

Yes. Whether it's a lesbian or a gay I mean a woman Straight woman or a gay guy Like you got penetrated Like Michael Che used to have this great joke about He's like I don't want a gay kid And I don't want a daughter And people are like Jesus

I just don't want any of my kids getting penetrated It's like a great twist And it makes sense Because it's traumatizing I like a setup that sounds ignorant And then the punchline sounds Like it makes a lot of sense Oh, I love that

You bring them in and then they love you on the way out But I think that there must be truth to that Just getting Of course You're getting fucked Yes, which is where the phrase comes from I'm getting fucked by my boss Yeah it's like I got fucked by this guy

And you're like yeah you got fucked by him That's what happened Right right and yet Then there's that weird thing with sex and women Where they're like dominate me Call me an idiot Pin me down choke me So you're like this is all very strange

That always scares me Yeah, my gal's into that shit Really? That scares me It's fun You play the role, you go with it You get wrapped up in the moment It took me a while

I was not good at it Because we're such comics i could just feel like people making fun of me i'm like yeah you dumb idiot how do you like that yeah retard you know i didn't know what to say but she's like come on be mean i do other i do different role plays uh-huh yeah what do you do you go the You go the other way. You're very nice. Guy who comes really quickly and then goes, I'm sorry. I was doing a character. I thought you liked it.

Well, that's why I see jizz there. I commit. No, I, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Everybody's got their shit. Everybody's got their thing. Things turn people on. I'm not into that. I had a girl try to choke me once.

I was like, ah, please, stop that. Yeah, it's not really my thing. No, no. Did we ever get your peeve? My peeve? Oh, the middle finger thing. I got a couple. I wrote a couple down.

I got more. Let me see what I got. Oh, please, hit me. I love a peeve. Oh, this is one when people are late but it's deeper than just this it's more than just people being late it's uh it's rude like i have a friend who'll be like 30 minutes late for something he'll just be like and i'll be waiting on the street and he's like running late and i'm like yeah i know

you're just telling me what i already know Tell me when you'll be there Is what I want We know you're late Give me information You're giving me confirmation I'm aware, I know what you're doing Right, yeah, that is annoying That's a peeve

Punctuality is important I don't want to say I've been the late guy many times And I learned just text before you know Yeah but you always text You gotta text And it's scary and I get this guy Because when you text you're like oh he's gonna be mad

But it's still less mad than they would be later Yeah I just try to be I try to be punctual I realize like you know I put a lot of shit off Yeah So I So that's

That's where I get screwed A little bit But Do you really? Like the gym Or writing Or Everything

Yeah I want to do stuff When I Yeah I want to get a quick You know Exercise in or whatever But

I'm the same way I want to have new But then I'm mad At the cellar tonight I didn't have enough new jokes. Right. Isn't that funny how that works? Like, I'll sit on the couch and be like, I got to write today.

I got to write. All right. It's two o'clock now. At three o'clock, I'm going to write till 430. And then my gal will come in and be like, hey, we should get lunch. And I'm like, oh, this fucking girl. I'm trying to write here. Yet I'm on the couch in my underwear, playing with my balls.

Al Bundy, man. Yeah, yeah. So do you get the lunch or do you not do that? I get the lunch and then I go, hey, I make her feel bad. I'm such an asshole. I'm like, you know, I was supposed to be writing, but I'll go to lunch with you. And she's like, oh, geez, sorry. And I'm like, I could have just said no.

I got to write, but I passive-aggressive didn't you're a people pleaser i know but then you end up not pleasing them because now i'm at lunch being a cunt yeah because you're you're you're in a crank i do that too though i'll say yes to things and then i'm mad so i've got i've gotten better at breaking plans for sure where i just good i just i don't want to... Seinfeld did a whole bit about how none of us want to go to your wedding. I was like, ah, it's nice to hear that. That is nice, yeah. None of us want to go.

I saw Mulaney live doing his Comedy Central special. What was that? New in Town? I was such a big fan. I got tickets. I went to see it at the Skirball Center, and his opener was just the fact that you're here

is a miracle. Doing nothing is so much easier than doing anything. So thank you. And I was like, wow. That's such a great opener because nobody wants to do anything, and you guys showed up here. I'm butchering it, but it was really funny and poignant and a great way to open a special.

Yeah, it's very self-aware. Yes, yes. Canceling plans is like heroin. He had a whole thing. It was great. It's so true. Isn't it weird? Hey, just like my whole day.

You know why? Because you cancel plans and it just represents potential. Your whole day can be anything. It's like getting a new joke book. You're like, I'm going to write some good shit in here. That's a great way to put it. Holy shit. That's perfect.

It's potential. Even though nothing will probably happen, it's potential. It's potential. It could happen. It's like a lottery ticket. Nothing's going to happen, but it could. It could. That's exciting. happen it's like a lottery ticket nothing's gonna happen but it could it could that's yeah i love when you look at an open day you get right when you're like i don't have to do i love doing this

podcast with you but when i look at like a day when i have nothing no nothing better nothing better and you do the least amount of shit that day ironically it's weird i don't even like there's some days where i don't even watch a movie it's so like i'm like i need can i at least accomplish nothing right i do i do less than nothing i'll like stare at a fucking screen i'll stare i'll stare like a fucking cnn screen or new york post screen or something like i'm doing nothing yes that's so true i think is a lot of people, you know,

you get those guys who are like, I'm bored. What are you doing? I'm bored. I'm like, I am not bored. I can find a million things to do. I got too much shit to do.

I can, I can tweet. I can write a joke. I can play the piano. I can watch a movie. I can go on the roof and read. I'm never bored. Who are these people?

Yeah. Bored people. It's weird. I talked to someone. Who are these bored people? Yeah, bored people. It's weird. I talked to someone the other day. My buddy, Seaton Smith. I was like, man, I'm hungover. And he's like, well, you write a lot of jokes. And I was like, oh, that's a good way to look at it.

It's like you're burning your brain out. You're kind of like, I need to shut it down for a sec. Yeah, yeah. That's true. Some people think like, we don't think like that. We're kind of like, I need to shut it down for a sec. Yeah, yeah. That's true. Some people think like, we don't think like that. We're constantly guilty. I should be doing more. I should be putting more clips and writing more jokes.

I feel guilty, but then I still, I don't do enough, though. I still don't do enough. You see? You did it. You just did it again. But I don't, man. I'll do like, I don't know. You're the most prolific guy out there.

You just did a special. then you did a roof special Now you're working on a new hour Most people have to put an hour out in that time It's nothing, I got nothing In this new Unless you're coming to see me on the road, in which case It's very strong No, it's just taking

So fucking long to figure it out I don't have any shit to say It's fucking exhausting i i'm the same way though man i catch myself doing a bit tonight at the cellar that i did pre-pandemic i'm like you can't write a fucking new joke in that in that year of the pandemic i'm like i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm yelling at myself while on stage in front of 50 people yeah i did i did two Like Short ones That were from

I did I did three one liners That were from the Roof special tonight On stage Cause they were just so stiff I'm like let me just Take some short fire ones

To get the ball rolling And I was mad at myself They're all short jokes But I was fucking mad Same Same I'm such a cut To my own brain

I was on the rooftop tonight I did a joke From my first album because i was like i need something that'll hit it's quick this is bulletproof no one's gonna ever heard this joke and one guy in the back goes wow so when i was listening to your first album the other day and i remember that joke i was like ah he caught me i'm a cunt i suck so weird busted yeah i'll do i'll know I'll do some It's such a weird thing but I did

I did a thing on Clubhouse And it was From Passover Whatever I mean it'd be fun if we did something On it together it'd be fun if we did like a joke Thing on it could be fun but overall It's like whatever doing stand up on there Sucks it was called like night of a thousand

Jewish Whatevers you know and it's like whatever doing stand-up on there sucks it was like it was called like night of a thousand jewish whatever's you know and it was like scott rogowski was on it jeff garland a bunch of jewish people on it good lineup uh it was fun yeah but but the idea of it's fun i it's hilarious i'm like let me do the old let me just do jew jokes i'm doing old jokes and i'm doing okay and i do one joke it's a newer joke and they go we don't laugh at disabled people i was like oh man neither do i you don't you're misunderstanding the joke yeah uh i told my mom the joke and she laughed she's like that's not offensive i'm like my fucking mom doesn't find this and my mom is she turns her nose at a lot of my shit Yeah And she was like that's not offensive And it's like man people are so Fucking There's like a type of person that's like

They want to be on the right side of history Rather than the fucking They want to laugh at a joke Totally totally And it's like look we all do We all want to be on the right side of history But check that shit at the door This isn't hate speech motherfucker These are jokes we all do we all want to be on the right side of history but check that shit at the door no this

isn't hate speech motherfucker i know jokes i'm not a politician it's a comedy show you signed up to come to like get out of here and it's only comedians who take this shit like a movie writer who does a disabled thing isn't like oh get get the script writer get the get the director it's only comedians because it's coming out of our mouths so they believe it. Ah, it drives me crazy. We're fucking, our purpose is to make you laugh. It's fun. I did a pedophilia joke tonight that killed.

I felt so good because it's like when a joke like that kills, it's like they trust you. Yes. And they like you. You know what I mean? Because there's something about, by the way, if a pedophilia joke doesn't hit, you know who doesn't laugh at pedophile jokes? Fucking pedophiles Those are the people that probably are like

That's not funny I'm uncomfortable right now Totally, and I'll go so far as I tweeted tonight If it's a good joke I'm not saying laugh at any pedophile joke Any joke, laugh if it's good But don't laugh at it if it's bad, but don't laugh if it's bad.

Pedophile, toothpaste, whatever. But I did a tweet tonight. I said, after a show, white audience member, that black joke was appalling. Don't ever do it again. You should be ashamed of yourself. It's 2021. Get your shit together. Black audience member, that fucking joke was great.

I loved it. Do more black jokes. I'm a little hurt you didn't do any more black jokes. And that really happened to me,. I loved it. Do more black jokes. I'm a little hurt. You didn't do any more black jokes. And that really happened to me. So I tweeted it, but it's a, it's a symbol of this weird white lady thing where they're like, Hey,

don't do that joke. That's offensive to black people. And you're like the black guy liked it. So I know you think I'm a racist, but you seem more racist because you're telling him what he can hear. Yeah. You're like some weird little dictator. Let him tell me.

Yeah. No, no, we can talk about this for 10 hours. Let's watch it. But the cellar was pretty cool tonight. It's pretty cool to be back at the cellar. New York comedy, man. Great. Even Liz, the manager who we love, be it's pretty cool to be back at the cellar new york comedy man great everyone even liz the manager who we love and she's hardest working person at the cellar hands down everybody loves

live she's the real deal and she has some life in her again she's got a purpose she's running around i mean she's built she was born to run that club it's so true. It's the best club in the world, man. It really is. Oh, it's great. It's four rooms, sold out, killer. Pretty special. Great to see SC, the booker, the seller. Special. I still think

we should do this show, when shit comes back, we should do this show live, not live, but at the Fat Black. This is the Fat Black right now, live, but at the Fat Black. We should. This is the Fat Black right now, folks, if you're in Milwaukee. The only problem is just we'll figure it out later, but it might be hard to shoot.

People are hanging out. There aren't enough places to hang out. I don't know how to pull it off. We go 2 p.m. I can do that. All right. Yeah, we can have a day cocktail. We're adults. that We can have a day cocktail I'm down for a day cocktail

I do like drinking at night better I do too of course We're such animals You get one in us I don't care if it's 2 or 4 or 8 I want another one Alright let me read another pee From Sean Page Pet peeve i have a roommate

that constantly asks my permission to use this or that appliance in the kitchen or also ask if it's cool to cook something is it cool if i microwave this or that which i always reply yeah sure i don't care every time but all i really want to say is yes please by all means cook and eat where you live why are you constantly asking my permission what's next are you gonna ask me where to use the can um interesting yeah i don't know this is weird uh my only question is it is it is it your appliances maybe that's why he's asking if yeah i don't know well this goes to show that you can be too much of anything. You can be too mean and eat all the food and be a dick and not pay rent, or you can be too nice. So there's always that gooey middle, and this guy's going too nice, and it does get frustrating.

Too nice is annoying. I agree. Because it doesn't seem sincere. It seems like they're trying to get points for being that nice. Yeah. Totally, totally. Yeah, I'm with it. It seems weird.

Like, what are you doing? Take it easy. We live together. He's got a couple wrecks, too, which we haven't done wrecks this up either, but he goes, sort of trust with Mark Maron and Jillian Bell. Funny comedy about maron being a pawn shop owner in birmingham alabama never heard of it but no obviously we know maron um 1917 ah the recent sam mendes movie brutal action packed yeah yeah it was great yeah

saw that in the theater it's the last movie i saw in the theater whoa wow have you been to a movie theater uh i haven't i have not and i was i'm a big movie douche i love them going to the movies the whole thing but no i haven't i can't wait to go back i hope i that's they always say movie theaters are over that's gonna die they're all going away and i hope they don't no they won't people want to go people want to get out of their house i don't care how cool your entertainment center is at home you want to go out and see it's true and do things and see it doesn't count as a date if you take your girl to your apartment and watch a movie it counts the date though if you take her to the fucking regal cinema or whatever i mean that, that's a date. That's a date.

You got to tear a ticket. That's the only reason it's a date. But it is kind of crazy that people have, you have a movie theater screen in your house, basically. These people have like 57-inch TVs and shit now at their house, like poor people do. You know, it's a different world. So the movie theater used to be exciting,

but now it's like, I got this shit at home, man. I got food and booze. Yeah, but dude, not that I want to see King Kong versus Godzilla, but that's not a movie you want to watch at home. I agree. I'm with you. I love the experience. I love the popcorn smell. I love the weird seats and the candy.

I'm into it. I like a movie theater. There was one that closed down by me, man. But at the snack bar, they had cashews. Ooh. You know you're getting a good movie selection at a theater that sells cashews. You're getting some foreign flicks. You're getting some indies.

Yeah. Love a theater with cashews. You look at the snacks you're getting at that bar. You're getting some good shit. If they get a seltzer gun, you might live there. They got Spindrift behind the bar. All right, I got a parking pet peeve from Donnie Mustachio. When you're searching for a parking space and roll up on a guy getting in his car,

you wait for him to pull out, and he gets in and just sits there looking at his phone. At least wave at me before you get in to let me know you're not planning on leaving, you douche. Donnie. Yeah, I don't really relate to this one because city guy, but yeah, it sounds like a douche move. Yeah, that is interesting. I get it, because two things.

One, sometimes people feel like, oh, this guy's waiting on me. I kind of like it. I kind of like sitting here, because I have something that he wants, and it gives you a little jolt of power, which is sad, but hey, human nature. And then sometimes I do that too.

I get in my car, I'm like, well, I just want to look at my phone for a minute before I seatbelt and drive for a half an hour. You want to check everything before you go. You want to put the address in of your GPS, whatever it is. True. I get that.

But yeah, if it's a long time, that's fucking annoying. Yeah, I'm the guy, if somebody's waiting, I'm like, I don't even look. I just, I'm sorry. I'll get out, you know. You're I'm like, I don't even look. I'm sorry. I'll get out. You're a pleaser, man. A pleaser. It's not a good way to live. People pleaser. Should we wrap this thing up?

I could read 10 more emails. Oh, jeez. Let's do one more email. We should do our wrecks and our jokes, too. Oh, jeez. I've been rambling. I'm sorry. Well, it's been fun man yeah what uh what do you got for a wreck well i'm 20 minutes into this tina turner doc and i'm loving it oh fuck hbo's got so much good shit hbo is killing it hbo is always the best network

netflix has a lot of stuff. I get it, but they have a lot of shit too. I feel like HBO is top tier shit to good, whereas Netflix is like the shit outweighs the good. Yeah, man. I saw the trailer for it. It looked great. Oh, man. They go all in on Ike hitting her and everything,

and he's no joke. Damn. My rec was also HBO. I was going to go QAnon doc. Ooh, tell me about that. It's great. I don't even know if it's that well made a doc. It doesn't really have a focus point,

but the characters are so fucking weird. And it's the first time watching anything where I'm looking at people on screen where I feel decent about my posture. These people are fucking disasters. No, it's good. It's fascinating, man. It's all over the place.

There's people that made this weird website, 8chan, you know, in the Philippines. Yeah, they did a New York Times thing about it a while back. But they go into pretty hardcore detail. And the people, like, there's like four characters that could be Bond villains in this shit. Like, there's so many. It's worth a check. It's like, I think, four up.

I think they just released the last two tonight. So maybe I'll watch them before bed. All right. Oh, it's a series yeah it's i think six parts total oh i love it though it flies by q has had a moment q is like they were this weird fringe psycho group and now it's like a it's on cnn talks about them they're in their documentary it's kind of in the mainstream. Yeah, Matt Ruby had a great line the other night. He called Free Britney gay QAnon.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. That's funny. Yeah. That's good. No, it's good. It's worth a watch, man. I dug it. I don't want to give away too much, but it's solid.

You got a bit? I got a bit. Tell me to go fuck myself if this has been done. But so it's a kind of a layered bit about how sex workers, there's like a real weird new push, like supporting sex workers, which I like because sex workers are the only thing people give money to that they're quiet about. You know, it's like, oh, I love BLM Or I love trans rights

Or I love whatever Climate change So they have to let you know that they're giving money to it But sex workers are like I'm going to keep this one quiet You know like I've been giving one of them for decades Haven't told anyone What a hero I'm an activist I'm giving out jobs

Something to that It's fascinating I like that a hero I'm an activist I'm giving out jobs Something to that It's fast I like that a lot I think there's something about A lot of the people Who support sex workers They're like I support sex workers

We'd be like Yeah we already know We can tell You're wearing sweatpants On a Wednesday We already That's the uniform Of the

I support sex workers Yes It is funny that it's like you know man so there's this basketball player i'm going i'm going in another direction i'm coming right back paul pierce uh he he went on instagram live and he's smoking a blunt he's with all these strippers and he works for espn you know which is disney oh yeah and he's smoking a blunt He's with all these strippers And he works for ESPN Which is Disney And he's getting in trouble for it

He's just casually hanging out But then it's like you punish him You're kind of being like You hung out with not people So there's something fucked up about that I completely agree Women do it too Women are like these sex workers are abused

And you're like Yeah I got two last night They're like Whoa easy creep You're like Wait I thought they were a hero I thought I was a hero Like I'm helping them

It's a weird Which one is it? It's a gray area It's a gray area Which is great for comedy So That's the bit I think maybe the difference

Is that a lot of people Who I think got into sex work, there's some trauma. But shit, you could say the same about comedy, right? I mean. Yeah, yeah, of course. Or any form of entertainment. Yeah, politics, anything. Yeah, I get there's trauma, but that's not me. I'm just giving them money.

Like, I'm supporting them. I'm giving them jobs. I'm employing It's a fascinating thing Because I think There's a lot of people Full of shit Like we gotta help

These sex workers They're down and out They're getting hurt And you're like Yeah I'm helping them I'm keeping the lights on But then it's like Are they hurting?

I feel like OnlyFans Has gone through the roof Aren't they doing well? I feel like every article I see is like OnlyFans Like got this This I feel like It'll be like is like OnlyFans got this.

I feel like it'll be like a nurse and she's like, yeah, I can't survive on my nurse's wage, but I have an OnlyFans. Yeah, by the way, that's female privilege. A guy could never do that. Hey, I'll show my asshole. Can I get six million? That's the catch me outside, girls. You got six million in a day or whatever. Damn. Really? Six million dollars? That's a headline. That's a Catch Me Outside girls. You got six million in a day or whatever. Damn. Really?

Six million dollars? That's a headline. That's a news story. Six million in a day. Wow. Give it a goog. Damn. Yeah, so it's like this weird thing of like,

hey, don't objectify women, but unless I want your money, then objectify me and give me the money or whatever it is. It's all very gray. It's blurry. It's muddy waters. It's blurry, it's muddy waters It's fucking muddy, man Yeah, so then I do this whole thing In the bit where, remember this old saying

You hear a lot from old guys where they go These prostitutes, you're not paying for the sex You're paying for them to leave And then I'm like, no, you're paying for the sex They want They want to leave They're leaving for free Like you pay a hobo to leave

You know hey can I get a dollar Come on one dollar You're not fucking the hobo behind a dumpster I go up to women in bars And they leave instantly I ain't paying for that Well actually I did I bought her a drink So I did pay for that

Right right No that's a great premise i love that angle there's something there yeah you're paying for them to leave and then then i go into a whole thing with that but yeah that's that's where i'm at now it's brand new that's this is all interesting yeah it's funny black lives matter maybe the problem is uh Sex workers are not being Beaten up by the police They're being fucked by them Ooh That's good

I don't know Because trans rights matter But they're not being beat up by police But they are being beaten up Are they? Yeah, they're hate crimes for sure But there's some trans prostitutes So if you're into that

You're helping them Alright This is dicey Now I think we're going in a weird area I think the joke I think the bit is like It's the one thing you can't We're getting away from the bit

It's the one thing you can't really be proud of Yes But then again it's the only movement you jack off to right right huh yeah yeah hookers i mean we even changed the name which is a sign of progress for them it's sex worker now so they're definitely and then with like the the the shooting they're like in the limelight now it's a hashtag we got to help them so i think they're getting some love which is great but they're the only group that you quietly support you don't even want people

to know you support them you're anonymous yeah yeah when you have like a gofundme do you want to show my name with sex workers absolutely not yes exactly exactly that's funny all right what do you got there's a lot here so i got one idea i think is i'm kicking around i think it's pretty fun is uh i can tell you this right about uh so i say uh you know i'm uh i'm in therapy and i drink so i talk to professionals constantly you know i and people compare bartenders and therapists because they both listen they both take your money they both sometimes tell you when you have to go but the difference is the difference is a bartender will throw you a free round Oh I love this This is great

Therapists are never like oh you were molested 30 minutes on the house Oh that's killer That's a new one I think that's hidden man It did not get much tonight Really I've tried it twice It killed

Saturday It got very little. Oh, that's big. They were good, but they were a little stiff. It took me a minute. That's why I did some old ones tonight. Yeah. There could be something, too.

Also, the chance of me fucking this therapist are not great, but I think this bartender is showing me some love. Something about asking for the number. Right, right. Yeah, both of them are like, please stop calling me at home. Yeah. Buybacks is a big thing. Like, I hear you had a rough night.

Here, take one on me. But that's true. There's no therapist giving you a free session. Yeah. Or extra time. Bartenders. Yeah Or extra time Bartenders

They listen to you If you go too much It's a little troubling If you're like yeah I go five Either way if you go five nights a week People are like oof you've got some issues Right Right

Yeah you're never Is there a term like therapy-aholic in there or something? Like, this guy's addicted to therapy. You're in AA or something. You're in a meeting about going to too much therapy. It's not like either way you don't want to... I don't know. There's something here, though.

Yeah. It's true, because when you get drunk, you really open up, and you really start talking about shit. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe you combine it where therapists should get you drinking. So you open up even more? Yeah, like if you're hitting a wall in therapy you open up more to a

bartender yeah he's got a bar cart right here he's like hold on you're not we're not making a breakthrough but this will this vodka will get you get you to a breakthrough i don't know but then maybe there's something about bars how like therapy they tell you when you need to go but bartenders they tell you when you need to go But bartenders they tell you when you need to go There's something there about like the boot Getting kicked out I had that in the setup

When you go too far in therapy That's a breakthrough When you go too far at the bar It's a headlock It's a headlock yeah You broke through a table or something You gotta go, but in therapy They're trying to get you there

Isn't that weird about bars? They're feeding you booze and then you black out And do crazy shit and they're like, get him out of here I'm like, you gave me a ton of You gave it to me Alcohol, yeah, you gave it to me That'd be like a therapist going whoa you talked about a guy blowing you in an alley get out of here like you got this out of me i i feel like i've had moments

with alan my therapist where he's been like really a couple times i i there's maybe there's something about either if you cry and either oh They're like, all right. Yeah. My work here is done. Yeah. Oh, this is great. There's a lot here. And oh, how about this? You never tip a therapist.

If you were tipping him, he might let you go longer. You're tipping the barkeep. Interesting. Yeah, Therapist has never said, you know what? We got to close up, but get back to my place. We'll keep going. All right, that's a great bit.

That's a biggie. That feels like a hot app, man. Good times. It's a signature bit. Good times. Keep, yeah, subscribe, rate, review Hit up the Patreon Which we Already had over, I think we had 420 people

On there, brand new Patreon So I'm loving it Keep joining And Send us an email We might be drunkpod at gmail.com We'll read more on We'll read the, we'll read more on the Patreon,

but, uh, loving this. Yeah. Yeah. Great stuff. Good talk. So I got a little toasty at the end there.

This, this fucking fireside hit me hard and, and tell us about some, some bourbon, some distilleries, some tequila, whatever you think would let us know what we should do. We're clueless.

We don't know how to sell a liquor or anything. So fill us in, help us out. Yeah. Let us know what we should do. We're clueless. We don't know how to sell a liquor or anything. So fill us in. Help us out. Yeah, let us know what we can do. Yeah. And we'll start selling that shit. And yeah, alright. Keep on keeping on. Keep trucking. And queef it up. Keep drinking.