We Might Be Drunk - Ep 170: Brian Simpson & Joe List

Episode Date: March 11, 2024

Brian Simpson makes it to the pod, a little late, but hes not from New York  and it was raining. Check out and add Brians new special coming out soon on Netflix, "Live From The Mothership". We also are lucky to have Joe List pop in and join us last half of the episode. See these guys on the road near you! Brian Simpson: https://www.briansimpsoncomedy.com/ Joe List: https://www.comedianjoelist.com/ Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Mark Normand: https://marknormandcomedy.com/ Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com  Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod Bodega Cat: http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters/ If you want to start a podcast contact [e-mail] for a discount on services when referred by WMBD!

Hey man. Hey. Good to see you. Sure you don't want to get a full body suit in case she has a nom flashback? I mean that was attacked me twice already. She's in a bad mood today dude. I don't know what the hell happened. It's what happens when you get a cranky old bag with dementia. Yeah she's like angry Mitch McConnell. She's loopy. Instead of freezing, she bites. It's hardcore. Yeah, I was going to say evil Mitch McConnell, but that's a little redundant. Hey, hey. Good to be back. I took a red eye. Thanks for making this. I'm taping a special this week. So Mark did me a solid and we're taping on a Tuesday because I'm out on tomorrow. Oh, this is exciting. So many things happening. On tomorrow. I can't even. Did I just have a stroke? On tomorrow.

I sounded like an immigrant. I'll be out on tomorrow. Yeah, man. So you flew in this morning. Yeah. You drank on the flight? No, no. Coffee?

Drank last night coffee. Tried to nap. Can't nap. Bad napper. I can't do it. Especially when you need to nap. You're like, I need these hours on the flight to nap. And then you're thinking about the nap, and then you can't.

It's like a boner. Exactly. No, it's horrible, and I'm envious of people who could do it. Yeah, yeah. This guy will fly to fucking L.A. He'll sleep six hours. Oh, every second. Every second of the flight, you know?

Like, from when it takes off? Just when it's lifting off is when I like to conk out. That's so valuable. Well, the trick is to, as you're taking off, hit that recline. You get that double. You're like totally backwards. But I still can't fall asleep. Me neither.

I can't do it, dude. It's anxiety too, I think. When Richard Jefferson was on here talking about how players take naps, I get it. They're like working out and stuff. They're tired. But like, I'm tired. Yeah. I can't do shit.

No, no. It's a nightmare. My wife took working out and stuff. They're tired. But like, I'm tired. Yeah. I can't do shit. No, no. It's a nightmare. My wife took me to stomp. Huh? My wife took me to stomp. I fell asleep. Really? In the morning.

Just fell asleep. That's great for her when there's a break in. It's also the worst review of that show ever. Yeah. I felt even the, they're like, it's like they're trying to wake you up. They're like, come on, dude. Can't wake up. I wish you were in the Aurora Theater.

It would have gotten your ass. Yeah. There's never a shooting at a Broadway show. That's true. Yeah. New York, no guns. Nah, gays don't shoot. You have a joke about that, right?

They get their load off. Wait, what? You have a joke about that right they get their load off wait what you have a joke about uh oh there's no gang there's no gay gangs yeah that would just be a musical yeah the snapping yeah yeah so yeah austin was great did all the pods uh had a great me and soda did kill tony we were zinging and zang and we took that thing over. And Mothership was fun. Jumped around all the clubs. And Paramount, one of the great theaters. Killer room. Stav taped a special there.

Good place to tape. Yeah. I did that last year. It was killer. Great shows. Got a Wilbur vibe of like theater, but intimate. Exactly. Closed balcony.

Not too big, not too small. And you got those little, I saw a tell there once. And he said, he called the seats, the little terrace things in the top. The box thing? He calls those the Lincoln seats. Which I was like, that's pretty great. Yeah, no, Austin has got some great rooms. Yeah. The problem is you drink all day, you drink all night, you eat bris brisket tacos tequila they don't need abortion

there because you're gonna have a miscarriage true true yeah just just make sure she's near a staircase and you're good to go we're off we're off to the races tonight folks yeah uh yeah man i'm fucking burnt i thought i had that classic thing where i did six shows in utah and i was like oh i'm gonna i'm sick oh and i'm like fuck why you have that thing where I did six shows in Utah, and I was like, oh, I'm sick. And I'm like, fuck, why? You have that thing where you're like, why did I add another show? I'm such a moron. I added a late Thursday.

I'm told you I'm done with a three in a day, but I'll do two a day. I'm fine with that. Sure. And I have a morning show on Friday. What's morning? Oh, morning show on TV. Yeah, like 8 a.m. or something. Yeah.

But I also took like an 8 a.m. flight to get there. So I was like i told you i don't nap so i'm just on fumes i'm watching the coffee intake because of the ulcer i'm being very careful i'm still drinking coffee but it's like you know i'm i used to be like a six a day guy easy now i'm like two and uh yeah i'm like this fucking mountain air it's not for juice right that mountain air is not for us man no just uh i mean it was beautiful utah is beautiful it's really the women there are so fucking hot and utah it's i call it a two jack off before show city wow that's how hot the women are there you got to get it out of your system and that's a review you got to focus on the show trip advisor i for real the women are like hot and the men are all like, they either look like Kenneth from 30 Rock or one of the Sex Pistols.

They're all just like, they're the nerdiest fucks ever. Or they're just like bad. Tattooed, jacked, like a mohawk and shit. Yeah, I always say the guys there look like out of work UFC fighters. And the women look like out of work porn stars. Bad tattoos, bad tan, crazy weird fake blonde hair, like pointy nails. Like we could see your pierced nipples or we can't even see cleavage. There's no middle ground.

The Mormon shit, half of them are so repressed, so they have to get it out and all these crazy, I'm not one of them, look at me, I'm bad, I'm fucking nuts, I'm drinking a monster. And then the other ones are like the poindexter it's like dilbert monster was made for the people that were held down yeah like green tea was an act of rebellion to them so like like monster they're like fuck you dad yes i know soda has a whole bit on soaking and uh it's murdering yeah by the way soda new

special out killer everybody's talking about with us too what fun app with us oh killer app yeah great and then i saw him at the mothership he's he's headlining over there and i was like let me watch he let me open hannibal showed up that was cool it was a real who's who over there soda's got a new 42 or whatever it's incredible murdering with brand new material he's in he's he's having a moment he's in the zone he's in the zone good to good to see your boys in the zone yes yes it's nice it's also cool to see him just like you know similar to us had stuff not really pop on uh you know streamers yep we didn't even have streamers we were on cable well even we're on

comedy central but so do you know it's like you know you're jealous i remember when hbo turned down my my special i was like fuck oh yeah of course the youtube ones like popped off but sure but at the time you're like fuck this is good for him and we didn't know the business is always changing man and now we've got the youtube and it's blowing the fuck up i know but there's a little there's some quirks with youtube fahim our pal open for me at the paramount he his specials uh stuck in in limbo or whatever he said cunt or homo or something and it's at like it's less than 100 000 views that happened to joe list too his last special like 9 million and this one's like 1.5 because he's still great. In like the 45th minute.

I know. They're like not for kids. 18 and over only. Yep. Watch that aisle. But yeah. No, you still got to tap dance a little, but obviously we're all glad to have you two. Yeah, well, they keep pulling that goalpost in.

It's like we all signed up for a different set of rules, and now. I know. There's a word for that. Have you heard this? Presentism? That's where you get mad at somebody now for something they did. Wait. I think that's just having a girlfriend.

Hold on. I want to get this right. Presentism? For something I've done in the past, but you're getting mad now for something I did in the past. Because it was okay back then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like saying retarded or something in the 90s, and they pull that up, and you're like, but you're getting mad now for something I did in the past. Because it was okay back then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like saying retarded or something in the 90s, and they pull that up, and you're like, but you could say it then. Yeah.

This was Harvey Weinstein's whole case. Presentism. It was cool back then. Yeah, but that was always illegal. No, no, no. But that was, yeah, I don't know. The analogy is you're going 20 miles an hour in 1988. They changed the law to 10, but they still got you going 20, so you got a ticket.

Now, that's the analogy. Yeah. No, I got you. There you go. It's tough. I was backstage with this week, and he was talking about whether I should say retard on stage for my special, which was tape. Is it YouTube? I can't say. I know what it's on. I'll special, which was taped. Is it YouTube? I can't say.

I know what it's on, I'll tell you after. And he said, he was like, I'm referring to myself in 1995. Is this okay? Meaning like, I'm talking about something I said in 1995. Jesus, we're all getting in a retarded time machine. Don't know what should be a great

John Cusack movie. Instead of hot tubs, he's just like, yeah. Exactly. We all go back, we're like, what's that? It's a conversation we have to have now, which is crazy. Yeah, Liz has a bit of a- The most offensive movie ever. Yeah.

But also the most feel-good one. That's true. No, that's, of course you can, is the answer. I mean, this is an insane conversation we're having. It's like, like okay so if you make a period piece now you have to make guys they don't say the n-word right hitler's nice to jews exactly i mean i think it all it feels this was honestly kind of a problem i had with the sopranos movie as opposed to the sopranos it felt like they were like bad dudes.

And in the movie, they were like bad dudes, but it felt like, I hate to use a word like more on eggshells, but it felt like it didn't have the freedom of the show. Sure. I guess it was a time limit, but then there were other problems, but. The Saints of Newark you're talking about? Yeah, yeah, definitely.

It felt a little new washed. Well, it's like when they changed the uh remember huckleberry finn they changed it they were like uh didn't they make it n word gym yeah it's like come on and then jesse pop had the best bit about that you remember that we said how about just gym oh that was a great one but i mean look, I'm against changing art. Yeah. I mean, so you're going to watch a Bogart movie? He's vaping?

Right. You know, it's like, no smoking? I know. What are we doing? Smoking is a warning now. It's like violent sex smoking. Yeah. Jesus Christ, what are we doing here?

But I was thinking, I was watching The Outsiders was on on TV and I was like, this is like eight white dudes, all eight handsome white dudes. They couldn't do that now. But white dudes were friends in 1951. They were greasers. I mean, yeah. I mean, they were gangs. It was just I think, you know. This room is all white dudes. And a woman. And a woman. Probably a black woman, if we're being honest. You know, Compton. Snaps at me.

Yeah, that bitch. But she's loyal. Yeah. Well, these hoes are loyal. She was in a fucking mood, dude. I mean, I tell you, she just came at me like twice, and I was like, fuck, I might not bring her. What does that look like when she comes at you? Oh, my God.

I could send you a video. You want to see? Yeah. Fuck. It's quick and vicious. I don't, I might not bring her. What does that look like when she comes at you? Oh my God. I could send you a video. You want to see? Yeah. Fuck. It's quick and vicious. I don't know if I could do this. Again. I feel like we need a video of some animation

of her taking her earrings off for her. Oh. Coming at you. I can't find it now. It's too much pressure to scroll through everything. But yeah, this is exciting.

I feel like our friends, like Joe List was just on the Tonight Show. Great set. Soder's special, Fahim's special. Shane's on SNL. You're doing a fucking hot one at the Wilbur. I was apparently not supposed to say what streamer it was on.

Oh. I mean, yeah. Got a text saying, yeah, you weren't supposed to do that. I'm like, I don't, who cares? I don't get it. It's coming out anyway. What are we doing here? I don't know.

All right. There's rules, I guess. I think they like to make the announcements. who cares? I don't get it. It's coming out anyway. What are we doing here? I don't know. All right. There's rules, I guess. I think they like to make the announcements. Yeah. They roll it out their way. I see. We could have gotten you an exclusive. All right.

I don't know. Still can. Yeah, who knows? All right. Well, hey, still exciting either way. And I think, now this is where I get queefy. I think the gods are in your favor. Have you ever heard the old proverb about the kid who breaks his leg on a horse?

And they go, he's like, oh, my life's ruined. Then a war breaks out. He can't go fight because he's got a broken leg. All his friends and family die. He's alive. Yeah. You can't drink booze. By the way, I like that he thinks that's a happy ending.

Everyone in his life is gone. But he's okay. He's alive. Yeah. Guy who is gone, but he's okay. He's alive. Yeah. I might have. Guy who hates his wife and friends and family. I might have botched it.

Yeah, I can only hope we get rid of Salicus. Oh, Lord. But. Oh, this guy's not lasting a minute. Look at him. He shows up in a green

Hawaiian shirt. They're like, oh, this is going to be an easy guy. Line that up. Taking a photograph of the guy in the front line. But yeah, you couldn't drink

and then you got a special coming up. Might be a blessing in disguise. Get your head clear. Your body's right. I'll tell you, I got a suit for this special. Doesn't fit anymore because I lost some fucking gut weight. I'm in way better shape because, man, booze is

a lot of calories. Oh, it's crazy. Especially brown liquor, which is what we like. Is that bad? Really? Brown is worse. Easy. Except for Bodega Cat, which is actually, we've heard, healthy. Yes. I've heard it's really good for you.

Good for you. Yeah. Take a swig at night. Yeah, no, I feel good. I do. I mean, nothing hurts the brain like booze. We've all been foggy we've all been hung over like it definitely slows me down a peg i'll tell you though i am ready to fucking tape because i'm just like so sick of these jokes like i haven't run a special like

this in a while yeah and i'm like torturing myself over tags right now and like ugh i'm just i'm just over this shit but that's how you know it's gonna to be a banger. We'll see. I feel good about it. Yeah. It'll be good. But you know what? Here's the classic conundrum. I taped it. I was going to tape it in LA because I've never done a West Coast special.

I was like, yeah, maybe the Wilton would be like a fun place to tape, right? My agent goes, don't do it. There's going to be like showbiz people there who are going to want to say what's up in between shows. You want to chill. And I was like, that's good advice. That's good. So we do the Wilbur in boston literally everyone is coming like you know my boy dory's coming chase is coming

uh my fit you're coming but yeah but you're working on it uh my family is a classic my family move i was like i'm like i'm gonna get your hotel like when you friday night and my dad's like yeah we're actually coming up wednesday thursday fr. I'm like, all right, let me add that to the tab. Already paying for 25 hotel rooms this trip. And you're not getting La Quinta either. No, no, no. I'm not going to put them up in a bad hotel. Yeah.

But it's, yeah, it's like everyone's coming. But my dad's from Boston, so he's like, you know, this is. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Oh, that's fun. Can I run a bit, actually? Do it. Yeah.

I got a bit idea. So people always shit on step parents but like that was no one's plan a no one was like you know hopefully someday i can raise the kid of the guy who nutted in the person i love that would be cool and he'll resent me for no reason yeah yeah there's something to that right yeah i think about that all the time with like i you know when you're a kid you fight with i had a stepdad he was a great dad but when you're a kid you fight with your shakur you're not my real father oh i've said that yeah in a with like i you know when you're a kid you fight with i had a stepdad he's a great dad but when you're a kid you fight with your shakur you're not my real father oh i've said that yeah in a fight yeah and you know what and you know what he's you know what he said you're

right i'm here oh no he didn't but he should have he should have said that that's a bit okay that's good and then you can bring it all around with the step porn that's a good point that's a hot that's the biggest speaking of nutted. That's how they get it back. But it's true. I mean, step parents get a bad rap and it's like a pretty noble thing to be a step parent.

Of course. It's like a volunteer firefighter. You stepped in. That's a good analogy. You stepped in and you didn't have to. Yeah, the real firefighters,

they flew the coop. Yeah. I like it. She's pissed. She's pissed. She's pissed. Easy. I got a little trick to get her in a good mood again. There you go.

Xanax. There it is. Yeah, opium. Fentanyl. Yeah, all right. I got a bit idea. This is raw. Real raw.

Hit me. Okay. I was on the road as well. You get all horned up. You're watching porn. Your dick's chafed. You're jizzing all over the washcloth. It's really a problem.

It's a problem. Masturbation on the road, it's awful. And I don't drink a lot during the week, and I don't watch porn at all during the week because I'm home with the ladies, so I have access. Sure. So on the weekend, I'm alone, so it's just pornapalooza. And I'm going to town.

My dick is ruined. But you get all crazy when you're horny. You're watching this. You're watching that. You're making faces. I got one leg up. I'm doing this. And I thought when you're horny, you're not in your right state of mind.

You say crazy shit. You're spitting. You're choking each other. And then you jerk off, and it's almost like you took meds you're like oh i'm back down like i'm back to normal so you took your medicine natural medicine natural medicine yeah but in court you should be able to plead horny oh that's really the crux of it you know and who rapists oh wow who are we talking about there's statutes of limitation here but I'm just saying like we really need Godfrey

for a Cosby impression right now that would be pretty clutch but you know if the judge is like says here you promised her to pay her college debt while you were getting blown and you're like your honor I gotta plead horny you know but that's great the rape thing I gotta figure out a way

it is true I've thought about that too like they say don't go shopping when you're hungry don't don't try to fly a woman in when you're horny right you ever do yeah you're like jerking off on facetime you're like i'll book you a ticket yeah wrong state you come you're like oh my god what have i done you're crazy her personality is not that good exactly i was watching a beat bobby flay with my girlfriend yesterday and there's this one woman who just like she's hot but she's got that classic hot person horrible personality she's one of the judges and it's like i bet he banged her oh 100 it's one of those where you're like he's like fucking her and he's like i'll make you a, I'll make you a judge. I'll make you a judge on my show.

Then he nuts like, fuck, she's not that good at TV personality. Yeah, my wife, when we got engaged, she was like, you want to go to the wedding? She's talking to the mailman. You want to go to the wedding? You want to go to the wedding? And I was like, you're just giving this away.

What are you, crazy? You don't want these people at the wedding? And then I realized that's kind of what I did. I banged her and I was like, you want to get married? Maybe that could be in there. Yeah. All right. Just spitballing.

There's some way to be like, you know, she was on two knees, so then you got down on one or something like that. I don't know. That's her horny. Yeah. What? You proposing. Yeah, that's her. Yeah.

Is that what you're saying? I like that. Okay. Okay. We got something here. Yeah. We're cooking. We're cooking.

I'll flesh it out in Tucson and Phoenix this weekend. Yeah. You do a theater in Phoenix? Yeah, too. I've never done a theater in Phoenix. I usually spread it out as Stand Up Live. Great comedy town. Yeah, it is.

They love comedy there. Let me know where the theater is. It's pretty good, too. That's dry air over there. I think the Jews like that. Yeah, dry heat is nice. Yes. Because it could be like 100 there and you're all right.

I know, that's true. But fucking, God, the desert. Like Vegas, I sound like such a Jewish stereotype, but like that shit. I leave Vegas with like my throat like, I'm probably sick every time. Yeah, well, it's also the worst, scummiest people in the country going to one place and

touching everything and getting cigarettes everywhere we're not used to we were we were like conditioned to be around cigarettes yeah i remember we used to play comedy clubs i remember doing like the saint louis funny bone and they would it was a cloud of smoke i remember that you were just like wow holy like thinking back i'm like that's insane insane that that was a thing but it was like it was kind of like, talking about stepping into a time portal, you felt like you were an 80s comic. Oh, yeah. You know? Yeah, Crackers, too.

They had the Smoke Eater. Remember that on the ceiling? It would be like, and it would suck up all the smoke. But I remember that club. Oh, yeah. I remember doing that club. My granddad was a boxer in the 50s, and he was like, when we would fight outside, it was a relief. Because when you're fighting indoors, he's like, you can't breathe because everyone's smoking cigars wow i went to a cockfight in puerto rico sounds like a country

song i went to a cockfight i had to see one it's inhumane it's it's hard to watch but they're all smoking so we're in like this little like kind of shack warehouse thing and you can't really outlaw smoking at a cockfight you're kind of focusing on the wrong problem, right? Yeah, the health inspector's like, whoa, keep pecking his brains out, but that nicotine's got to go. So, yeah, just so much smoke, but the whole thing was just gruesome. That's awful, yeah. I mean, I'll eat a chicken, but I don't want to watch that shit. Even when you watch Food Inc. or one of those docs, and you just see them flip them upside down and slit their throat, you're like, I don't want to see this. No, no, no, no.

It's like seeing how the stripper became the stripper. I want to see the stripping. I don't want to see the dad beating her at 11. Yeah, we don't need the origin story. Yeah. Yeah. The stripping's fun, though. Stripping's great.

And chicken's great, too. Porn is great. Either way, we like breasts. Yeah. Yeah. Although it feels like a lot of porn stars are uh offing themselves these days yeah notice that yeah i remember a long time ago uh i was out with jim jeffries and we were like you know getting drunk and my brother and his like i guess at the time fiance maybe or they

were serious we all at a bar and jim you know when you're drinking you have some ne'er-do-well friends who pop in sure and he had this friend pop in who told this long story that we were kind of like, where's this going? And it's about a porn star. And he's expecting a big laugh. At the end, he goes, and then she fucking kills herself. And everyone's just staring at him like, that's horrible. That's not funny at all. And my brother's wife looked at me like, where are we?

Yeah, yeah, welcome to comedy. I was like what the fuck is this guy ne'er-do-wells is perfect that's what it is comics used to be like pirates yeah you know they were all drunk and one eye missing i was laughing like how all i was like that's insane that you thought that was like a punch line yeah someone just murdered themselves yeah there's one who died recently yeah richard lewis was a porn star yeah he was great it was good fuck by the way r.i.p richard lewis you Yeah, he was great. Yeah, he was good. Fuck, by the way, RIP Richard Lewis. You know,

did I ever send you guys a thing? I tried to get him on We Might Be Drunk. What? And he wrote back a nice message. Show us. Prove it. He just said,

I think he had his number in there, so I don't want to post it. Oh, I guess it doesn't matter. Just tell us what it said. Yeah, I'll read it. It said, I think he said this to all young comics,

but he, let me find it. He was great. He had great stuff in the 80s. I wrote, you ever come to New York? Would love you on me and norman's pod he wrote i'm from new york but sort on the men from health problems stay authentic and i wrote hope you're okay and i think he wrote stay authentic to every young comic i think that was like his his george carlin keep kicking them in the nuts yeah yeah right right you know let's get him on the wall too

oh yeah we do we need him on the god damn this wall is gonna fill up man he was a hunk in his day he had like a full head of hair he had a big black jacket on yeah there you go he was great and he and he was so funny with larry their friendship was like a beautiful thing the way they shit on each other and yes he had he had a quote in this book i tweeted this when he died but like in the book i'm dying up here they profiled him a lot of it you know because it's from that 80s period in la and he would pick up women he would bang like all these hot women oh yeah one of his pickup lines was i'll buy you a tuna fish sandwich anywhere in this town that's a that's a charming line that's a great line seinfeld used

to have one where he'd go up to women i go you wouldn't know what to look at me but i can run really fast which is a cute line. It's fun. Yeah, he had a run on Conan. He did a Conan once. I can't remember who the guest was. Oh, Johnny Knoxville. Yes. And he talked about seeing Shaq's dick and just murdering.

Conan's getting up and walking around. It was one of those. And he was getting annoyed with Conan. Yes. Look it up if you can find it. I don't know if we're allowed to play it, are we? Conan clip. Let me see if our guest is texting.

Just want to make sure. Nope. Okay. A little late. Yeah, well, you know. Don't go there. But I do think he's not New York savvy, our guest. Sure.

Also, traffic was really bad, I noticed. All right, here we go. Is this it? Yeah. All right, here's one of the funniest shows. You're on that show. You must be having a good time. What year is that?

Tell us about it. 2002? Curb. Larry David. Larry David. It's his show. I just come on every couple weeks, and he's just so hip and great. I knew him since I was 12.

I went to this camp. I love this story. And I hated his ass. He was a jerk. He was a jerk-off. You guys were in camp together? At 12. All right?

That's great. I was a jerk-off. Right. Jackass. Let me just, you know, you don't need to, you know. We were both jackasses, okay? Right. We fought.

He posted about this. We had fistfights. Yeah. He was nervous to be out with him. 13 years later, we were both comics at the Improv, which was no longer here, sadly, in New York. And we dug each other's act. And then one night I'm looking at him, I'm like,

I hate you, man. I hate you. It was like Roland Polanski. It was like a scary thing. And I said... You just looked at him for no reason and said, I hate you? Well, I hated his ass. He was a jackass when he was 13.

12 years later, I didn't recognize him. Right, I see, I see. I felt the eyes. I felt some kind of demonic crap going on. So we sat down. I went, you're that guy? You're that Jack? And we started fighting again.

So now when I do the show, it's all ad lib, and it's a trip, man. And it's a great show. We got this. We don't need to play too much of it. But, I mean, that's a great story, too. He has a lot of great Larry David stories. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that friendship.

You don't see that kind of friendship on TV anymore. Like that kind of, I hate you, but I love you, ball busty, fighty. It's loose. It's a loose friendship, and it's real, man. Yeah. You kind of shouldn't each other, but that love is there. I found the Shaq stuff, if you want. All right.

Yeah, sure. Give us a taste. I want to just see him start killing. So Shaq. Does the Lakers practice naked? No, this happened before... They shoot the show five months... This is from the episode where they're at the game and Larry accidentally trips Shaq.

Great episode. Season two, I think. So I go there and Shaq, you know, he's a man. I'm a man. Okay? But he's 7'3". Why isn't his head the size of like five, you know, gigantic basketballs? I don't understand it.

It doesn't make any sense. Because I look down at another man's penis. Yeah. I'm a man too. Yeah. Well, come on. Okay. I didn't, I actually said, I started shaking like I had some kind of disease.

And I was shaking like Marley's ghost. And I went, and I actually said to Shaq. Quite a reference. And I went carol is that to another man like a johnny knoxville he probably just blew a bull or something you know and he's like oh a penis but all right it's it's nbc good point yeah he stapled his nuts to a fucking... Yeah, exactly.

To a piranha. But he's like, you can't say that. He's getting pegged by a clown. Easy there. All right, we... Oh, you want to hear the rest of it? No, we got it. We got it.

Yeah, no, we don't even know if we could do it. But how morbid that the last time he was on curb, it was like, when you die, I don want your money i hope you die alone you're like he had that big fight about uh his will he wasn't he was having health problems he's been sick on that show for like ever because i was watching the season five episode where the woman with the abnormally large vagina yeah i sent mark the clip that day i was was like, we were just talking, literally I'm watching Curb as the news breaks and he died.

So fucking funny. But yeah. Might I propose that he whips the glasses off? Oh, that scene fucking, we can play that. I'll text you that. That one fucking,

that one gets, that gets me every fucking time. And then they cut to Richard Lewis and he's like, what the fuck? This is not what I asked you to do. Might I propose you have an abnormally large vagina?

It's fucking great. I'm sending it to Sal Monk. You waltz in here and put the ball. All right. Yeah. R.I.P. Lewis. And R.I.P. the jaw just for laughs comedy festival. Yeah, that's crazy that the festival's over.

I mean, we were new faces. Here's a little throwback mark and sam here we were i believe new faces the same year after both failing to get in three or four times oh yeah how many times do you think we failed probably four right i got it on the fifth yeah i think me too because we text every year afterwards and i i i believed in mark so much more than myself that i was like you i'd be like i didn't get it but you got it mark would be like no no i thought you were gonna yeah it was like back we both thought the other one would get it yeah and didn't believe in ourselves and then we got it the same year yeah it was a loaded year loaded year pete davidson schultz chris d damian lemon can't remember who else neil brennan hosted

i remember i remember that yeah pavitsky i Povitsky. I can't remember who else. Brooks Whelan. Maybe Whelan. Yeah, he got it. Yeah. Yeah, it was fun. What happened there? Such a juggernaut. I don't know.

Well, they had to check some boxes. They had a bit of a cancel situation. And then I think sitcoms. The whole thing was sitcoms. It was like, we got this guy. He's a shooting star. We're going to put him in this sitcom. And then here we go. Ian Carmel? Someone like launch people. Yeah, maybe. He's a shooting star. We're going to put him in this sitcom, and then here we go.

Someone would launch people. Yeah, maybe. He was in our class. He killed Aparna. Oh, yeah. There you go. A lot of strong comics. Now that sitcoms are over,

they can't really launch. Yeah. The internet is. Mark and I came up in hearing stories. Oh, yeah. You can play this real quick. This is... She was great, too. Mo Collins. i'll tell you what i'm driving at i submit you took that baseball stashed it

in your unusually large vagina and walked right on out of here his reaction here the reaction is the best part he's just like would you do this? He delivered it like a southern lawyer, too. I love the delivery. It went full on like a mock, what is it called? To kill a mockingbird. I submit. Atticus Finch. Yeah, there you go.

Yeah, that fest. Mark and I, we got loaded. I mean, that's when Mark and I didn't know that those could actually help your career. Yeah. We were just like open bar. It was a party. So we just got lit the fuck up. Some people worse than us.

I won't name names, but some people I was like, yeah, you can't get that bad. We were bad, but there were some people like starting fights. Yeah. There was a great moment. I was drunk and I saw Jimmy Carr go up to Damien Lemon, who's a funny black comic. And he goes, Michael Che, you are really one of the next big things. And I was like, ah. Amazing moment.

Yeah. And then he was like, he was like apologetic. He was like, oh, I'd love to see you though. Yeah. I'd love to see you sometime. Exactly. Yeah. That's a bad moment.

I mean, look, the truth is they both had flat room hats and Jimmy probably saw him from far away. True. And we're all drinking and it was dark. He's racist. He's racist. he's a racist man very racist no that was uh that was a fun time though we had some good times i had some bad times there too though oh yeah i had some bombs i don't know how they went bankrupt paying us what they did i don't think we got paid oh well when you went back you did but it But it was always so disrespectful. Oh, yeah.

They were like, it's a party. You do it for the party. And then you look at the thing and you're like, I sold a lot of tickets. I know. I know. It's exposure. I can get exposure in Phoenix. I don't need you guys.

Yeah. Well, that's the problem. It's the old model of the industry. In the 90s, they were like, you get a six, seven-figure deal. High six-figure deal, probably. Yeah. A a holding deal you get a holding holding you don't even get this is from the 90s you didn't you explain a holding deal well that was not something in in mark or my lifetime but you know uh in the 90s you'd get a deal that abc or cbs they'd be like hey we don't have a show for you yet but don't go anywhere. We'll give you 400 grand to not make a show.

Holding. Wow. So you make money to not make a show. Holding coffee. A lot of literary. By the time we got there, you were lucky if you got an agent. Yeah, that's right. I got an agent at Paradigm.

And to let you know how seriously they took my career, the guy who signed me left without telling me. Oh, wow. I found out. I was like, hey, can I i talk to fred hashigan they're like he doesn't work here anymore i was like wow that's crazy guess i wasn't important yeah jesus probably still getting 10 he's living in boku well the woman who who was booking my tour dates at the time like was doing great for me considering i had nothing going for me. She was working her butt off. Kama Upton, she was awesome.

But we had one person there, but at a certain point you got to leave. Yeah. And I think we were both at Innovative who treated us like shit. Yes. They would write nasty emails to us. They would just be like,

well, this is what you're worth now. And I'd be like, well, it's a terrible offer. I know. Did he yell at you when I bailed out of there, when I was like, I'm going to leave you guys. I'm sorry guys i'm sorry i'm going another way they were like fuck you you're done you'll never work you're done and there's a lot of that going on my career was going badly because i was with you exactly this is the good news yes no they would write nasty shit oh yeah it was me norman rachel feinstein was with them what's in their interest to be dicks to you i don't get

that it's just ego they're unprofessional. You think you can leave us? There's nothing. No, you know how a professional does it? I remember Mark and I were free agent comics, and Mark signed with UTA, and I signed with WME. This was over COVID. And the guy I didn't sign with, who was high up at UTA, was very respectful on the phone.

He was like, well, you know, I understand, but the door's open. That's how you handle it if you're a professional. If you're smart i understand but the door's open and like that's how you handle it if you're a professional if you're smart and you see the big picture what an idiot would do be like man you're fucking up you're an idiot fuck you click that's how a moron acts yeah well tell that to berkowitz wasn't he nice to you i came home there was a knife in the door with a note on it and it was written in blood it said you're done or something like that you slit your cat's throat exactly that's a mess was he really mad at you i think he was just like hey go he was more passive-aggressive like do what you gotta do man but big loss didn't scream at you no

no i know i know burr we go way back so yeah we go back that's why i went with him because we went back but i mean i understood like you know it's funny how agents are like wives or girlfriends because i'll mention it in passing to my agent like oh berkowitz told me this they're like whoa whoa he texted you and you're like oh you're jealous and it's kind of fun it's like your your wife getting mad that's true yeah you gotta you gotta get him mad every once in a while let him know that you could still get it wet exactly exactly i'm on the market i uh yeah i remember having i mean some fucking manager i had he was so mad at me i've never i've never had a breakup this bad but it was like a 30 minute like i fucking got you this i at one point he said i made you and i was like did you

were you the one staying at these fucking shithole motels? You're not my real dad. Missing connect flights? Just once when I'm sweating my fucking balls off missing a connect flight in that massive Atlanta airport and the door shuts in your face, you want to be like, 10%, huh? Yeah, I know, right? You made me. Speaking of sad showbiz shit, Instagram was down today. The whole fucking country hair caught on fire. It was crazy. You realize how much you look at it, how much you use it, how much you rely on it. Not just Instagram.

Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube. What? Elon Musk had a tweet where he was like, I'm the one who's not down today. Yeah, he goes, I know why you're here. That was a funny tweet. I'm the one who's not down today. My girlfriend said the same thing. that was a funny tweet yeah uh no he's not down today my girlfriend said the same thing it's not a funny tweet it said uh threads is down tens of people disappointed hey

that's fun that's funny i saw reds is like woke twitter is it yeah i don't even look at it well i just have it to have it but it's like uh yeah it's like where people go to who are like pissed off say what you want about twitter it's the last place you can say whatever the fuck you want it's like where people go who are like pissed off Twitter say what you want about Twitter it's the last place you can say whatever the fuck you want oh it's wild for like a massive platform

sure sure it's crazy yeah and that's new it used to not be like that I feel like it used to be a little although I will say there's a portion of

Elon's people who are such cucks they're such fucking annoying and they're dark as shit they act like they're like the comedy people and then you make any joke cucks they're such fucking annoying and they're dark they act like they're like the comedy people and then you make any joke about elon they're like fuck you you yeah you fucking pussy yeah it's like guess what it's either all okay or none of it's okay he made this like fake macho tweet about like put on my on my gravestone never went to therapy i'm like that's not like a cool thing to brag about right when you've got 12 kids and clearly are a bit unhinged.

Right, right. Like, it's like, you know, and also, like, there are people who need therapy who are going to see that and be like, well, maybe I shouldn't go to therapy. Right. It's like, I'm not saying it's for everybody, but you tell me Elon Musk wouldn't benefit from therapy. Yeah, well, you got to sift with X or whatever it's called. You got to sift. You got to go, okay, that's crazy. There's a puppy being lit on fire and a guy writing, ha-ha, burn, bitch, or whatever.

And then there's a guy going, hey, don't say whatever. And you're like, all right, you got to find your lane. Have you ever reported anything on X? No. Reported? I don't report. Yeah, you can report things. What are we, fucking hall monitors?

Well, if I saw a dog on fire, I might report that. Well, it's just a tweet. I'm not saying the guy did it i'm not either but i'm like get this fucking off my thing you shouldn't be i almost when i once i finished jerking off i oh all right but but yeah it's just crazy that instagram goes down and it's like whoa yeah you need this yeah i kept opening it oh yeah it's not it's not there then five minutes later oh yeah it's down so kind of an eye opener yeah we are addicted we're addicted and you gotta you gotta post a link to your your shows this weekend you know it's it's really helpful too yeah you want to promote i mean i'm not promoting stuff for a while now that's like well yeah i mean it's it's crazy it's like

i haven't this is the first time in a while i haven't been well yeah i mean it's it's crazy it's like i haven't this is the first time in a while i haven't been like these shows need it's also easier to sell at a club than it is uh a theater you know the theater ones i was stressing a little bit more you know but uh yeah i'm not really touring for a minute i'm trying to just uh taping this and i'll try to write some new shit i don't want to i don't did you take time off how much time you take off nothing it's tough again and it was a it was not easy yeah i just need to write more before i do that i think i'll work out but i fucking hate working out at the cellar oh it's just tough yeah you gotta be i gotta branch out go to new york comedy club go here go there do a little at the cellar but you can't rely on solely that club yeah i guess i

gotta really start fucking hustling again oh yeah the grind will begin this that part's tough i don't envy you but yeah no i was not envying you when you had to start this new one after the netflix but i got a little bit i got like a few to at least make a club set passable for now bill burr always says he keeps about 12 minutes of hack. Just after he puts a special out, he can just go out there and kill for at least 12 to 15 and then kind of work around it with new shit. It's like cooking with fat. Yeah, yeah, there you go.

But, yeah, mass some of the taste and some butter. Okay, so I got a, speaking of Twitter, I got a peeve. Please. All right. I'm getting sick and tired of these motherfuckers on twitter who will post a video of like taylor swift or donald trump or nikki minaj and they go what do you notice about this video and i'm like i don't know she's twerking is there something is there like an alien in the back does a baby fall out of her clam? I don't know what I'm supposed to see.

And then you watch it eight times. And then I check the replies to see what I'm missing. Drives me crazy. Just tell me what's weird about the video. Or maybe it's a trick. Yeah, what am I, a fucking detective? Yeah. How much time do you think I have?

Now you rewatch it, and now they're getting their views up. That's probably why they do it. It worked. And I feel like a chump. Yeah, I guess I haven't really seen these, but that sounds fucking annoying. You're going to see it now that I've said it. I'll notice it now. It's out there.

Damn, that's annoying. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of annoying shit on there. I got a peeve. All right. And I have to realize why it is a peeve. But you know where you're at the airport, you got your rolly bag, right? Yep.

And then there's those sidewalk bumps, right? When you're trying to roll it across the street, the sidewalk herpes. Oh, yeah. I fucking hate the sidewalk herpes. Why is that fucking there? And then, because it's just, you have to now jangle it over the fucking thing. And you know what I realized it is? Yeah.

I think it's for blind people. Whoa. So they know, isn't that right? Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. They have those on the subway too. You ever see like off the stairs, it's sort of a ridged walkway? Yeah. Yeah. They have those on the subway, too. You ever see, like, off the stairs, it's sort of a ridged walkway?

Yeah. Yes. Not by the platform, but, like, right down the middle, it's a ridged walkway. Yes. To show them where to walk. Whoa. Yeah. The fact that blind people, we struggle to get through New York.

There's fucking blind people walking around in this haunted house obstacle course with no sight. It's pretty great. Well, on the train, that might work to your advantage sometimes. That's true. Some shit you don't want to see. But, yeah the train, that might work to your advantage sometimes. That's true. Some shit you don't want to see, but yeah, I don't know how the hell they do it. Public transportation when you're blind,

that's fucking tough. Yeah. Respect. I'm just going to have a, I'm on no sleep, so I'm just going to get a little pick-me-up beer. I'm jealous because I want some, but I fucking,

I'm not going to drink until this weekend. Hell yeah. Let me check my checks again. Actually, probably Thursday I got Negronis and Bodega Cat For the green room And some wine Because I have a lot of people back there

Guys remember BodegaCatWhiskey.com Get that shit We're working with a new person It's very exciting We're going to have a new website made hopefully A lot of good shit coming for Bodega Cat You can feel the wheels are actually in motion It feels like we're getting over that hump We're going to have a new website made, hopefully. Yes. A lot of good shit coming for Bodega Cat. You can feel the wheels are actually in motion.

It feels like we're getting over that hump that we couldn't crack before. Hey, Mark, can you pour half and then half in another glass? I want to try this whip it up test. You want ice or no? No, this is for you. Oh, for me? Yeah. What do you mean? So we have that little whipping thing right there, and apparently if you aerate it, like a whipper,ker yeah it tastes better it goes down smoother that's for you Jack tell me

which one's better whip one and then don't whip the other gotta get the whipping out before the guest shows oh boy is he showing what happened did he write anything well nothing and list said 317 arrival he'd sex it maybe he thought it was three originally because 230 i guess is a weird uh time why is it a weird time that's a totally normal time i don't know 30 minutes after 220 is a weird time 230 is completely normal all right all right she look okay now she's been in such a bad fucking mood She's fine She likes the mic She likes being on the set She might attack me when I move her for this other guest

A little taste test here Which one is that? Damn, that's smooth Really? That is a damn good tequila Let me smell it Does it smell different? I mean, it's like no kick at all

Fuck, that smells so good I miss drinking so much This is a hot one Where'd you find this, Peters? Google What's it called, Peters? Google. What's it called, Mark? Tequila Ocho. Okay.

Wait, you got it? Where'd you get it? At a liquor store around here. That's dangerous. That's a problem. Is that a good one? It was the best sipping tequila. Damn, all right.

I'm going to have it when I'm back at 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll chill. I keep talking about how great it is. Hold on, this is the whipped one. Okay. I miss booze. My girlfriend was asking me.

She's like, it's no difference. She was like, don't you feel good that you're not drinking, though? You're in good shape right now. And I was just like, no. I want it back. I don't feel good at all. I mean, I guess physically I do. Yeah, I could do an extra couple pull-ups.

Great. But what about the sharpness? Don't you feel like you're sharper? I know I am. When I'm not drinking, I'm like dialed in, baby. I feel pretty good. I mean, the thing is the ulcer is still, I still wake up in pain because of the fucking, probably coffee. Yeah, right.

You have to be so careful with food, too, with an ulcer. It's so fucking dumb. And stress, too. It's just an annoying thing. They did the orthoscopy down the throat? Yeah, the endoscopy. Endoscopy, whatever it's called. And then they confirmed?

Yeah, Liz from the Comedy Cellar picked me up. She was my, the manager from the Comedy Cellar. Wow. Everyone was busy. Norman was my next ask, but I hate asking people who I assumed he was doing something during the day. Yeah. Liz is too, but I was like, she lives right down there too. Let me try Liz.

I could probably, yeah, if I could squeeze it in, I'm down in the village. She just laughed. I came out there fucking wobbling. Boy, if I could get an abortion, I'm calling Liz. She's good. She's always there. She's like a task rabbit. She's fucking great.

I got a weird request from Norman the other weekend. like a task rabbit she's fucking great i got a weird request from norman the other weekend he was like can you go down to my house i'll buzz you in and play with my cat that sounds i was like what yeah i was like what i was like town the cat get we're both out of town they're both doing sets seeing his wife the cat gets depressed if he's on his own for two days that makes sense yeah it's like a scientific fact cats need a person around every at least 12 hours i mean why do you think she gets so fucking cranky she's yapping in my fucking ear the whole time i'm eating yesterday i had to put her in the bedroom then i hear her get like really fucking angry and i'm like well just behave while i eat i give you bites you gotta yeah yeah i mean

i i get it you need a you got an You got to play with them. That's tough. It's tough to have an animal. It is. Especially now that your wife is doing standup. Yeah, it's a lot. I mean, imagine a kid. Is there a part of you where it's like, you were the one who was supposed to stay back. Oh, yeah.

We made a pact. I said, we'll get a cat, but I'm not doing anything. And she was like, no problem. And then, of course, a weekend, she's like, can you change the litter? I'm like, get fucking cut. But now I'm calling my friends to go over there and sniff her panties. Pull the Polly Walnuts. Pull it up. A.T.

That's a great clip. Christopher's just fucking fuming. That's a great clip. That is a great clip. You know what's funny about Salad Gives? I could picture just with this get up you have on yeah you're the sniff a panty friend well don't trust me yeah

i know right also that's why the pine barrens episode was so good because it was just those two in their chemistry these are for eight my broadway's a size ten this really sucks Christopher you see the shit I go through here it is Andrea Di Matteo

oh oh D. Mateo. Pauly. Motherfucker. You gotta shoot him. Nothing. I love that he's mad at her. Yeah, he's always mad at her. I love that Chrissy's like a weird looking guy.

He's got no definition, but he's pulling her. He's confident. And he's in the mob. By the way, Drea DiMatteo went on OnlyFans because she hasn't worked in a while or whatever the case is. She said, it paid off my mortgage in the first day. I subscribed. Did you really? No. I got the leaks. But yeah,

she's hot. You were mooched. Do you feel bad mooching off something? That's like the new rip in a movie. It's a new bootleg movie. Yeah, I let her make her money and then I did it. I didn't do it too early. But the leaks are just there. Really?

Yeah. I'm not a supporter of that. Hey, we're on YouTube. Yeah, we're on YouTube. We're furry. That's right. Do we have a Patreon still or no? It's there.

Can we do feet stuff for that i got real toenails cooking right now but on the road and my clippers broke i could catch salmon with these fucking toenails they're terrible right disgusting do we have a guest all right oh okay this guy i know this guy pretty well he's a bit of a uh a man boy. He can't figure anything out. He's like a real comic, almost like how Norm couldn't drive. He's got a little of that in him. Here we go. Shit.

How are you, man? Sit down. Sit right there, yeah. How you doing? Good to see you, man. Uh-oh. What's wrong? Well, we got to peeve out of the gate.

Let's go the fucking the stinky uber oh the worst because it when the uber stinks it makes every other thing that's wrong for the course it times 10 yeah right i'm with you it's like this guy was a fucking idiot i'm 15 my hotel's 15 miles away from here. Jesus. Driving or walking? Driving. And it took me 30, almost 30 minutes.

Times Square. We're in Times Square. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. This guy was just fucking stupid. He drove right past me, first of all. Jesus. I'm on a one-way street.

I meet him coming up the street. I fucking, hey! He drives right the fuck past me. Then he holds up traffic. Yeah. Because now I got to walk up the street to get there. Oh, man. He doesn't pull over enough for everybody to get past him.

He holds up traffic. I open the oop, and I can already tell. I was like, this motherfucker going to be funky. Did you undo the windows? No, so. You got to undo the windows. Yeah, open that. Send a message.

Yeah, I open my window, and then he closes it. Whoa. It's raining out. He hotboxed you. Right, right. It is raining out. But still, but still, I'm trying to send the subtle signs when I'm like, hey, man, it smells bad. I eventually had to, hey, man.

You said it? Yeah, it smells bad in here, man. I couldn't take it. Wow, good for you because we all wanted to say it. I'm the one James Smith did that. Yes, exactly. It smells bad in here, man. I couldn't take it. Wow, good for you, because we all wanted to see it. Remember when James Smith did that? Yes, exactly. It smells bad in here, man. Let's compromise.

Let's crack both of these. And what did he say to that? He did it. He did it, yeah. At least he understood. The thing about a smelly person, they don't know they're smelly most of the time. Well, no, the thing is, some Uber drivers don't realize, most of the time, men, they don't realize that, like, that like hey man you've been driving

all day your ass fumes and everything is like you got to air it out between passengers right right you can't just have 20 asses in the back seat and then your ass sit in the front seat like you smell bad yes there's no way to avoid that and you're in a sealed box yeah for 12 hours walk around let it let it breathe also they work long hours sometimes. They forget the deodorant. You forget the deodorant one day. That kills the car. And it's a cultural thing. Can we get the ethnicity? Just out of curiosity.

He was some kind of Asian, like Cambodian. You know what? We're all a little racist because that wasn't what we thought. Oh, what did you say? Indian is Asian, by the way. That's true.

Oh, well, there was a golden something hanging in the window. That's Asian, all right. Cat doing this. Cat doing that. And I'm one of those people, like, when I get irritated, it, like, affects the rest of my day. Yeah, of course. So I don't like being late. It makes me, it fucks me up. Well, relax. Have a drink, my day. Yeah, of course. So I don't like being late. It makes me...

Sure. It fucks me up. Well, relax. Have a drink, you know. Yeah, let's do that. Tequila. Let's do that. I got some ice in here.

Fuck yeah. And this is some damn good tequila. Oh, y'all are not drinking. Well, he is. I got an ulcer. I'm chilling for another week. He's an old detective. Why is there already liquid in here?

Oh, sorry. Oh, okay. That's a new one. Thought Mark was trying to poison me. Yeah, man. Well, you got a new... Yeah, I knew I should have said yes to that. When's the new one. Thought Mark was trying to poison me. Yeah, man. Well, you got a new... Yeah, I knew I should have said yes to that. When's the new Netflix special?

It's the end of the month. It's March 19th. Okay. Yeah. So right now, this comes out before that. Right now, you can go to Netflix and you can save it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

So type in Brian Simpson, Netflix. Yes. And save to watch later so you get the alert when it comes out. And watch it the night of. It'll really boost it. Yeah. I wonder how much they judge you off how many people are saving it. Oh, yeah.

I never thought about that. Probably something. Because they wouldn't do it if they didn't. I don't know. They get all those numbers. They clock all that shit. Hey, that's exciting. And you did it at the hottest club in the U.S. of A, baby.

Did it at the mothership. Yeah. Did you do it one room or did you bounce around? No, I did just the big room. Nice. Yeah, did four shows. Man, I was there this weekend. Had a free day on Sunday.

I texted Adam. Can we do a show at the mothership, a headlining thing? He was like, let's do it, 5 p.m. Sells out in two seconds. Yeah, man. Whatever your selling power is, the mothership multiplies it by like 50. Exactly. It's like anyone can sell it.

It's like when Carmelo wore the hoodie. Remember that? Oh, yeah. Yeah, exactly. He was just playing way better. Oh. You can just sell it out. It's crazy.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And those crowds are hot. If they're there, they're there for comedy. Yeah. It's not like a date night or a bachelorette. Not very diverse crowds. Yeah, but still.

The honkies laugh. I mean, no, because somebody was asking me when I got here, like, well, is it better than New York? And I was like, well, it's just different. Like, you get everybody here. Yeah. You know, in the crowds. It's not always a good thing, but. That's true, because I'll be in Austin and I'll do like a puerto rican joke or a jewish

joke or whatever and they're kind of like we don't know that one yet we don't know about the tunnels they tunnel like yeah jude tunnel was in the news like oh i hadn't made it here yet or it can fool you like something like i was i've been working on this joke for like a like a month about why women don't apologize and it and i got it to the point where it was crushing in Austin. And the first night here, I was like, oh, okay, maybe I need to... Yeah, they like women here. Make an adjustment. No, I mean, I got to work last night, but still, it was like, you know. Well, that's why you got to get out.

Yeah, you can't just do one... The touring's important. Totally. I had a joke where I wished cancer on people, on a person. I wished cancer on them, and it killed here, it killed in the Midwest. I took it to LA, it wouldn't fucking work. Interesting. They're like, he's mean, he's wishing, it's horrible.

And then he's like, all right, you gotta maybe bring it down like a little bit. Right, right. A moderate form of cancer. It became like treatable cancer. That's how I got it to work. I had a joke about AIDS, and it was always always there and I changed it to chlamydia and it started hitting because it's not terminal.

Yeah, but AIDS ain't terminal no more. It's still gnarly. Did you see the gif of Idris Elba eating a spicy wing on Hot Ones and it said a mosquito biting into Magic Johnson? Wow. Where he's just like, oh, oh. Oh, that's great. That's one of the best gifs I've seen. That's great.

I've never seen that. Yeah, because I think AIDS is, like, AIDS isn't serious unless you've got something else too. Like nowadays. Like COVID. Yeah, here it is. When a mosquito bites Magic Johnson. That's really clever. I mean, it's dark as shit oh shit see you know people say like comedy movies aren't as edgy as they used to be it all went to the internet like memes and all that fills that hole.

Yeah. Well, they just don't make comedy movies. There's very few comedy movies. Yeah. That's true. And memes are also like the collective humor of all humanity. Because, you know, even people that aren't comics, everybody has lightning in a bottle. Every once in a while.

Yeah. Everybody I know has said some hilarious shit at least once. And the memes are like all of humanity making a joke it's like the whole country is a writer's room yeah yeah almost some of them some of them are thieving motherfuckers though that's true yeah they'll straight turn your bit into a meme yeah it drives me nuts yeah and then people will say you took the meme yeah the person who's who's in the clubs honing shit is the thief that makes no right like it's not of a dude who's just like just poaching it they're like a uh they're like a joke curator totally i'm like don't send me these yeah i don't even want to know but that one made me fucking laugh that's great because that one's

a visual joke that one's like one you couldn't even do on stage. That's true. Yeah. I guess maybe if you're a good act out guy, you could. Yeah. I probably should have scheduled this for after. I have another podcast to do. What are you doing? B and E in. Oh, that's far away too.

I know. And I'm going to be drunk. Well, you don't have to finish it. Eh, you might as well. Do you stop drinking, Sam? No, I have to finish it. Eh, you might as well. Do you stop drinking, Sam? No, I have an ulcer. I've been drinking all year, but it's killing me.

I wake up in pain every day. A collateral. What kind of ulcer? I don't know. I got a fucking endoscopy. They're like, don't drink for a couple weeks. I think the Richard Jefferson episode of this sent me the fuck back. Ah, well, we finished a bottle of whiskey.

Yeah, we killed a bottle of Lagavulin, and I was already in a ton of pain, but it's an NBA player. He's, like, you know, fun. I'm like, fuck it, I'll drink with him. Yeah, I don't be drinking the bodega can. Oh, yeah, we do that, too. Look at those three, four empty bottles right there. We mix it up.

This is a nice sipping tequila. No, I'll be back. All right. I'll be back. This is a fucking unfortunate. tequila. No, I'll be back. All right. I'll be back. This is a fucking unfortunate. I'm actually missing it. It's really, it sucks. You're missing drinking?

Yes. Because I wasn't even getting that fucked up anymore. I would just enjoy it at the end of the show or something. It was more of just like an actual nightcap. That's a pro move. Yeah. Well, all your joys add up. They really do, don't they? Yeah. I think you only get so much joy. Yeah. All your joys add up. They really do, don't they?

Yeah. I think you only get so much joy. Yeah. It's sad. Yeah. You ever see one of those people where it's like you look at them and you're like, oh, you did Molly from like age 12 to like 20 and now you look 50. Yeah. But enough about Ari Shaffir.

Right. It's like you used up all your funds. Yeah. Right. Yeah right you can't just but then it raises the philosophical question what's better die a little uh younger diet 76 and live or eat kale every day don't have fun and then live to 101 i'd rather have fun and die same same for sure but I just... That's pretty young. Richard Lewis was 72. Oh no, he was 76.

I say 60. 60 is when I'm trying to go. You're trying to punch it at 60? What are you now? What's after that? I'm 41 now. Oh, wow. 29 more years? 59. That feels like enough. That's 19 more years. I'm a fucking like enough. No. I'm sorry. That's 19 more years. I'm a fucking idiot.

Do you have kids? I don't have any kids. All right. Do you want kids or no? No. Nope. Do you have any? No.

Oh, okay. I didn't know if you had one you didn't want it. But even if I did, that wouldn't change my calculus. You know? Yeah, waitress goes, you're the father. And you're like, cool, I'll give you 19. Yeah, yeah. 19 years.

Raising strong. But you're in Tejas, no abortion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you better be careful. You can take the woman to another state. There's ways. All right. Well, she has to want to go.

That's true. That's true. Yeah. Well, that's why God invented trunks, too. Why do you owe your kids suffering? Yeah. No, you want your kids suffering? Yeah. No, you want to be a good parent. There's enough people who are like, you see them in public and you're like, you didn't want this.

And for some reason, you had four more. I know, right? Have kids if you want to have kids. Yeah. I think people just feel like they're supposed to. Yeah. You know what I mean? People get married for the same reason.

Oh, we're supposed to. Now it's time. Yep. Women are always like always i'm running out of time yep yeah well their bodies are giving them clues though that's the difference yeah but that's sometimes you gotta accept that's just that's just a test you're not gonna pass like i know people they from here they grew up their whole lives they're never gonna have a driver's license yeah you know i have one i just can't drive oh you do have i got a fucking license yeah who let you slip by that test oh i charmed her the instructor that's great i won her over i failed the first two or three and then i charmed her she laughed i was like i'm passing this no matter what i hit a cone she passed me i if it was a pass fail i got like a 68

or you know when you're driving you're like where'd that guy learn to drive geez he just cut me off it's charmy mcgee over i just wanted it so I don't hand a bouncer a fucking permit. There's something really sad about handing someone a learner's permit. You have no interest in driving. No. I mean, when do I need to, really? I mean. When you're on the road.

Rental car. On the road, I usually Uber or I'm with Vita who could drive. There you go. You know. All right. I mean, so many many features getting work because they got a license exactly oh man what do they say the first uh three letters a career car i remember i remember lying to a comic and telling him i could drive and he let me drive and he was

like what the fuck he made me pull over and switch wasn't it joe list no but that was that was i booked that gig and List got furious. Don't even have to tell that story again. We've told that story 20 times in this pod. But yeah, List got furious at me. We did like a run of casinos and he was like, I thought you could drive. That was another guy. I feel like List is somebody, he's one of the last people I would want to be furious at me.

Yeah, he's scary, like dad angry. Yeah, and he's bigger than he seems. Yeah, and he's bigger than he seems. Yeah, and he's from Boston, so there's anger. Oh, yeah. A lot of deep fury. Yes. A lot of Catholic. Yes, Irish, big forehead, bad teeth.

Like every Catholic, every Irish. Just naming bad qualities now. These have nothing to do with it. Yeah. They all draw on that, like, I'm never going to tell somebody I was molested energy. Describing Bill Burr. A lot of the best comics come from Boston. It's crazy, right?

I think you let that shit out. I think there's a lot. You're right. There's repression. And when you unleash that, that's like the funniest shit. I mean, it's a murderer's row. It's Patrice, Stan Hope, Dane Cook, Louis, Goldman, DiPaolo, List. Yeah, it's just.

Rogan. Rogan. Yeah, it's a crazy list. Yeah, but. So Rogan's not from Boston. He came up in Boston, right? Yeah, he grew up. He's from San Francisco.

And then I think he moved to Boston when he was like six. Oh, okay. Never mind. So he is Boston. Yeah, no, he's from. I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah. All right.

But I think it's something about, because everybody in Boston hates it, but they won't leave. No. And I think the people that get the balls to leave, they take that hate with them. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know who had a good run was Chicago. It was like Mulaney, Hannibal, Pete Holmes, Vatterot. T.J. Miller.

T.J. Miller. Yeah, Chicago had a good run. Vatterot's underappreciated. Yeah. He's fucking funny. Is he alive? Yeah, he's alive.

Yeah. But that's a sign he's underappreciated. That's what you want to hear as a working comic. Is he alive? Yeah, yeah. No,

he's a beast. He's a great comic. Very funny. There's a lot of beasts out here. Yeah. Is that New City Austin now? Canane is another one

from Chicago. Kumail? Well, nobody's come out of Austin yet. Nate? No, but it seems like they're fostering it. Yeah, it'll get there. Yeah, it's coming.

Give it about 13 more years. You got Second City. You got like Farley. Oh, yeah. Odenkirk. Odenkirk. Yeah. Aykroyd.

Yeah. Yeah. Murray. Bill Murray. Vince Vaughn. Didn't the Bay have a run too? The Bay had a run. Yeah. Yeah. Murray, Bill Murray. Vince Vaughn. Didn't the Bay have a run, too? The Bay had a run. Yeah.

Yeah, I think Robin Williams, Dana Carvey, Shang Wang, Louis Katz, Moshe Kasher, Ali Wong. Yeah. You forgetting somebody? Oh, Pat Oswalt? Oh, I think even Chappelle did a stint in the Bay. Yeah, Soda Prior. Oh, really? I mean, he kind of actually got funny up there, yeah.

Lenny Bruce. Because Pryor was on some Bill Cosby shit. Yeah. Yes. Then he went to Berkeley. Yes. And came back going hard. And he was gay.

Who? He was gay. Pryor. Was he? Oh, my God. I don't know if he was. He wasn't gay. Well, he was bi.

I think he was just doing a lot of cocaine. I think he blew Brando. Pull it up. I think he was just doing a lot of cocaine. I think he blew Brando. Pull it up. I think he was just having fun. Okay. Yeah. I would blow Brando. I mean, he's like the De Niro of their day or DiCaprio, maybe.

You blow DiCaprio? I'm too old. You missed your window. They didn't have bisexuals back then. No, no. It was all of them. Brando, second dick. I think that's Pryor's dong. They didn't have bisexuals back then. No, no. I think that's Pryor's dong. They say it's this guy. That does not look like a white dick.

No, it does not. I know white dick. You are one. How do you get a picture of that? I don't know. Yeah, right? Healthier than the shit Pryor was smoking, though. Isn't that back when you had to stand still for a long time?

Yeah. That's most popular. healthier than the shit uh prior was smoking though isn't that back where you had to stand still for a long time yeah that's must be a drawing i can't this has been around since the 80s i remember seeing this like in the 90s they had a fling i'm pretty sure yeah paul mooney was around for all that he was gay as well paul mooney was a character Oh yeah I was not comfortable around that guy Yeah me neither Oh my god he was intimidating as fuck I only met him when he was falling apart Oh really I met him as a young comic

And he was like prickly as fuck But he was hilarious You ever see this clip It's prior to talking about second date No never fuck a faggot. Now, I like to say this on film, because to all American male persons, never fuck a faggot, because they will lie. They always say, I won't tell.

They lie. They can't wait until you finish fucking them. Well, guess who was here, honey? Girl, look here. Well, the nigga got more bitch in him than me. Don't ever give a faggot head. Because you'd really be low down there, right? This is crazy admitting to this.

This is wild. Yeah, everybody ain't never sucking a dick or something. Yeah, I mean, no siree, Bob. We've never ever touched a penis in our life. We're real men. I suck the dick. You can get a habit from sucking dick. You know, become a dick junkie.

You can only do it maybe three times. You do it more than that, you get a habit. You be, I gotta have a dick. I love the prices in the back. Pecan pie, $1.25. That's what you noticed? That's what you took from it? That is cheap.

Hey, another surprise guest. Did he put this album out? Yeah, that's a record. Still Smokin', I believe it's out? Yeah, that's a record. Yeah. Still Smokin', I believe it's called? That's Chee Jin Chong. Oh, Live and Smokin'. What's the prior album called?

That early one. Hello. Crazy. What's wrong? Is that what it is? Live and Smokin'. All right. Joe List, fresh off crushing the Tonight Show.

Thank you. Hey. With the shirt on. That's brutal. I wore the shirt. I did Fian's podcast. I wore it as a goof. And Sam was like,

come by here. And I'm like, wow, I feel like, I have the giant mug too, but I left it over there. Let me go get it because it's pretty funny. They give you a grab bag

over there. Well, they give you like a whole little. Like a swag bag. T-shirt, mug. Do you still do late night sets, Brian, or no?

There you go. I said no. I should probably. Yeah, it's fun. I There you go. I said no. I should probably. Yeah, it's fine. I feel like I don't belong there. I don't belong there. Why? I don't have, it's kind of.

But you have like concise jokes. I feel like you would work on late night. The pennies bit would work. Yeah, but that's only like 30 seconds. And it's already on TV. Yeah, it's already on, well, no. Well, you did kind of a late night set on David yeah it's already on well we did a kind of a late night set

on David Spade's show yeah but they let me say what I want to that's true that's kind of like what Conan used to be Cable yeah

yeah whereas like and so like the last time I tried to do that and like going back and forth with them and finally I was like because my thing was

I'll go back and forth with you until I feel like it's not funny and then I'm not going to do it yeah you got to finagle and so it's that

you got to go back and then so it's that you gotta gotta go back and forth because i don't have any family friendly material it's tough i tried to go through my whole album was like what could i say on the nothing no you can do something you got the hacky sack bit yeah why do i know this this is your act but all that but all of that's still no that's already on something. It was on Netflix. But you can do stuff again. I did all my stuff was on, not all my, 60% of it was on my special.

And they didn't give me any flack. I think they're hungry for... Funny people? Really good comedy. Trying to find a nice way. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I just emailed a, I don't know, maybe it doesn't work like this, but I emailed a transcript and he was like, great.

And he was like, come on more. Oh. So it was fun. I'm bringing it back, baby. What do you feel like the benefit of going on a trip? Fun. Well, I've said this for years. I think experientially it's fun.

Like if you remove career, whatever, expectations, it's fun to go buy a suit. I went to Bloomingdales and had a tailor and i bought a suit and my mother gets to watch and my niece came and there's a guy with a little earpiece mr list is arriving he's here 30 rock julianne moore is over there it's exciting it's fun you say what's up to her she said hello i think she knew that i'm in the green room so she went hey she's our guy in the suit julianne moore Moore? You've seen it. Big Lebowski. Maude. A lot of ins, a lot of outs. You know her?

She's in The Fugitive. Oh, okay. I do. I know her. There you go. She's in The Fugitive? Yeah, a small part. She's one of the doctors at the hospital.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. That's a great movie. Yeah, she helps him out. And Lindsay Lohan was there. So it's exciting. You know, it's fun. It was fucking hot redhead night. That's crazy.

Ian Lara has a reel from the Tonight Show that has 12 million views. There you go. 12 million. Yeah, you look good. It looks professional. Yeah. And it's fun to have a day. Everybody's posting it and sharing it and texting you.

It's exciting. It's exciting to feel. As fun as YouTube and Patreon and all this stuff that we're doing, which is amazing and made us all wealthy to varying degrees, it's fun to still be in a showbiz thing. Yes, I agree. It's fun. Lights, camera. That is a better pitch than my manager or agent.

What do they say to you? I think I'd make a great manager. Seriously. But just nothing that was convincing. It's a huge moment. but it's a huge moment. It's not a huge moment. That's the opposite of what it is. But I do think we talked about it.

It was fun. Everybody said it was fun. It's very fun. And Jay Leno said it. You're still the only thing on NBC for five minutes. And The Tonight Show is the longest running talk show in the history of America or whatever the hell. And Jimmy Fallon, you talk to him,

that's fun. Jimmy's really nice and you get a different audience. I was on Kill Tony and Tonight Show last night. I saw that. Kill Tony has like 575,000 views. The Tonight Show has 11,000.

Well, now you just talked him out of it. Sorry. But it's fun to hit different things. I remember when we were young comics, that was all I wanted. I remember, you know, I think I was the last of you guys.

I think you did Letterman and you did Conan. I was like, oh, I want to get on like Conan or Letterman so badly. And, you know, Conan was the fucking. That was the funnest. That was the most fun. We were all together when you did Conan. We were at Vancouver the week before. That's right.

Yeah, leading up to it. It was like this exciting buzz that one of us was doing late night. That was a buzz. I was using that to meet girls. I was like,

I'm on Conan in a week. Does that work? Eh. Depends on the girl. That would totally not work now. A girl would be like, what's Conan?

The barbarian? Yeah, it wouldn't work now. Well, that's kind of annoying because a bunch of people were like, I didn't know this show was still on the air. And I responded to one, no, you did. of people were like, I didn't know the show was still on the air. And I responded to one, no, you did.

Yeah. You're just being an ass. Exactly. It's on the air. You know that tonight's show's on the air. Yeah, right. That's a you problem. What are you, Amish?

Yeah. No, you're aware. You think it'll ever go away? Oh, yeah. It's out. Two weeks. It's gone. I don't know.

I mean, people, it's, I don't know. People still watch. It'll move to like peacock and then something it'll just be kind of like a thing that's just there yeah it's going back to cable i mean they're doing ads on all the streamers i know right it's working backward well the purpose of late the purpose of late night is kind of dead right but they used to be like that's when you can say things that's true yeah all the kids are asleep it was late but now people watch stuff when they want and late night doesn't really mean anything anymore well and it's all very uh more corporate pc louis ck talks about this all

the time he's like you could air the tonight show at four o'clock in the afternoon now right before it was like johnny carson was smoking and they'd be like so whose britches have you been under or whatever and everyone's like yeah and now it britches have you been under? Or whatever. And everyone's like, woo-hoo-hoo. Yeah. And now it's, you know, we're playing Connect Four or whatever. They're like afraid to push boundaries. Because podcasts do that now. So it's replay.

There's no need to do that on TV because we're doing that here. But do you think we did it because you can't do it there, so we just rolled it over to here? Was it a cause and effect thing, you think? I think you could do it less there so you can do it more here and then also we just all became our own television I mean we're in a TV studio that was not on the menu

even five years ago we never thought you guys would own a TV studio or borrow it well we just talked about repression we just let it all out but yeah I mean Trevor Noah does a mean, what's going to happen? Trevor Noah does a podcast now. What's going to happen to Jimmy Kimmel if he doesn't renew on ABC?

Probably some sort of podcast, right? Yeah, yeah. And even during the pandemic, when you couldn't do TV, they all started a podcast. Now Conan has a podcast. Jimmy Kimmel did a podcast with Fallon that no one listened to, I think. Yeah, because that's another wild thing is is is that the audience is not going to come with you i know and then they might they might they might they might but it's not a it's not a guarantee of like that

because you have a huge voice somewhere else that you can just jump into a pocket or vice versa yeah like kim kardashian had a spotify podcast and they cut it. Obama had one, and they cut that. Yeah. That's crazy. Obama and Michelle. So you still got to be interesting, which is fun. You can be the most famous person on the planet, but if you're not that interesting, why am I listening? And you can't really hire people to make you funny.

You got that right. You have to be interesting and funny off the cuff. A lot of uninteresting people's pods blow the fuck up, though. Yeah, but it's usually because it has a gimmick right maybe there's a gimmick yeah like oh look this is everyone we fucked i was doing the same thing right i mean that's that's a that's a hook for sure great hook i want to know more about that yeah especially when i know the guy that got fucked yeah that's true you gotta have a hook oh i mean look at it like a caller daddy or whatever Yeah, that's true. You gotta have a hook. I mean, look at like Call Her Daddy or whatever.

I think that's the number two pot in the world. Yeah. Or in the country. I still have no idea what that is. I don't either. But it's girls talking about fucking and there's nowhere for women to hear that shit. So I think women are like, oh, great. Finally, I like to fuck.

This woman's talking about fucking. This is relatable. Like, finally, two women that'll... Yeah, but, like, Oprah's not talking about getting fingered. You know what works is men talking like women, it works, and women talking like men works.

Interesting. Like, if a woman is like, I fuck everybody, I love to fuck, and then I throw them out of the bed, that's a hit. That's a hit. If a guy is like, I love soap operas,

and I like being with the girls, that's a hit. Yeah, I guess because it's new. I being with the girls. That's a hit. Yeah, I guess because it's new. I think that's why we're not a hit. You don't feel like this? No, we're just men being men. Yeah, that's out. Salacuse looks more Asian every day, by the way.

Asian? Yeah, he sent a photo. He looks, look at him. What doesn't help when he's giggling? Look at that. And he's always holding a camera. Are you Asian. Tiny dick. What's up with him? Because I feel like no one is acknowledging this guy. Our producer, Matt Peters?

He's our J-Mo. Okay, he seems like doing background checks or something. No, no, he booked you. Oh, okay. Are you who I was texting with? Oh, here it is. Look at that. He looks like, you know.

Fujimoto? Yeah. It's the mustache and the squint. Now the glasses make it look like you're wearing a disguise. You look like Noriyuki Pat Morita here. Yes, yes. I get finance more, but it's more about the gay sex than anything else. Don't you guys think Salicus would make a great manager?

I came up with this observation last night. He's always getting the check. He wants to confront people. That's true. He takes charge. That's true. I think he'd be the best manager in the business. And I also think there's nothing stopping you.

Like a career manager? Yeah, like a comedy manager. And I bet you'd work cheap. Yep. But don't you got to have connections? Oh, I thought that was a zing. He's got connections. I mean, how hard is it to just get an email?

Just email, hey, my guy's coming on. Yeah, but they have to see you as that. But if you just got a roster, if you signed us four, now he's in business. And it's all attitude. You put you at a desk with a cigar and your feet up there with a landline. Yeah. You're in. I've got the look.

You got the look. Yeah. This is a terrible pitch. All you need is an old phone and you'll be on cruise control. Hello, Hollywood. Exactly. How much does a manager really do? Not much.

That's a great question. He doesn't even have one. Yeah, that's the point. I don't think you should have a manager. That's why you need salons. Oh. That's a great question. He doesn't even have one. Yeah, that's the point. I don't think, yeah, I don't think you should have a manager. That's why you need cell phones. You're going nowhere fast.

Not this man. He can take you to the top. I haven't been around Joe List that many times, but this is the first time I've ever seen you with all this positivity and encouragement.

I did a Tonight Show last night. I'm on top of the world. Yeah, that's why you need a Tonight Show. You've got to do it. You're in the dumps. All right, I might fucking do it.

Yeah. This guy's been in New York one day. He wants to kill himself. That's what this city does to you. Well, you know what I realized? It's horrible. I don't like New York, but I like that I don't like it. I think that's this whole vibe is the city hates you.

Yes, it's trying to spit you out. Right. It's indifferent to you. It's like survive or don't or whatever or die right there. It'll smell the same. Yeah. It's horrible. It just took me an you out. Right. It's indifferent to you. It's like survive or don't or whatever. Or die right there. It'll smell the same. Yeah. It's horrible.

It just took me an hour to get here. Yeah. I was at Feehan's. She was like, I'll get you a car. It was raining. I'm like, I'll take a car. I just gridlocked traffic. I finally got out.

It was like a John Cusack movie. I was just running here in the rain. Yeah. You can't get to Times Square in a car. No, it was a big fuck up. And then people talk to you like you should have known the intricate subway code like oh you could have just hopped in the l and then and then hopped over to the red and then waited up on 14th street and you would why'd you drive like what the fuck i don't know

that also who turns down a car you give me a free car that's true that's what i said she's like do you want a car i'm like yeah i want a car yeah you think door to door hey this will be easy and it's pouring if it's just it's intimidating it feels like i would never figure it out but austin you austin folk i don't know how long you've been in austin for but a little over like almost two you know a little over a year a year and a half something like that last time i was in the green room at mothership there's a full conversation about how all the other people there's no traffic here there's no traffic that's just something they say everyone's got cigarettes i'm like there's traffic i was just in the traffic you know there is traffic of course it's traffic but it's very for the comics there's

no traffic because it stops at like 6 p.m oh i don't know about that it's very like minuscule traffic unless it's like the weekend well it's like your your argument with rogan is great about uh you're like the homeless is crazy here and he's like it's not crazy but you're like you show up in an armored car with six you're going to back alley with yeah yeah seal team six yeah then you walk right in the door oh the whole is it like i laugh at those people that complain about the homeless people in austin it's well you going to think I'm a riot. Because it's not as bad as Los Angeles. Or here. Because, you know...

It's worse there than here. It's worse there? In Austin. No, no. What? No, I think it's worse here than Austin. The only reason you think that is because the mothership is literally like in the heart of... It's a block away from where the homeless center is, so that's where they all... But they're all in that area. Every downtown in the heart of it's a block away from where the homeless center is so that's what they all

but they're all in that area it's every downtown in the country has a crazy homeless it's all like city i was there last weekend dude it's like you're like this is like dawn of the fucking dead this is terrifying oh yeah i ran i ran in salt lake city one of the two places i've had to run there in austin like you ran from homeless people yeah i ran for office. I lost. If you go anywhere else in the city, you don't see homeless people. In Austin. Yeah. That's true. You literally go to where they are. That's not true. I mean, they're the worst

there, for sure. But you can see them on 4th Street, 5th Street, 6th Street, 7th Street. But South Congress, you'll bump into some, too. But if you leave downtown... Yeah, I guess so. But if you leave downtown yeah i guess so like but if you leave if you go to astoria there's not homeless people everywhere well did you see a crackhead the other day i did see a man smoking crack at 11 30 a.m he might have had a home though that's true he

was pacing back and forth smoking crack at 11 30 a.m i walked by with my child and wife and i was like well the writing is on the wall so here's the other side of that 90 of the stuff that happens it's not them that the homeless people just remind they like make you feel something that you don't want to feel right right but most of the violence and robberies and all that shit is all just the drunk people yeah that's mark the homeless people are the very i mean they may make you uncomfortable but they've never done anything to anyone that i know or me it's always the drunk motherfuckers that's walking up and down 6th Street. Well, he got accosted.

Really? I had two guys get in my face. Yeah, this is during COVID. I've told this story so many places, so I don't want to. In Austin? In Austin, yeah. But this was during COVID when it was really bad. And I was like, I'll just stroll down there.

Because for most of my life, I was like, I'm in the city. I'll go walk. And these two guys got in my face, started screaming at me. Then there was a third guy on a bike behind me. And I went, all right, I'm sorry, I'm lost. He carries a fucking switchblade on him, which you're never going to use. You're never going to use that shit, dude.

You're a great manager. Put the fucking weapon on the table. It's not a quality knife. Oh, you call that a knife? What's the problem? You know knives? I just... Just watching Godfather 2 yesterday, that scene where De Niro just fucking gets him.

That scene's so badass. This is for you. No, it's locked. It's got a lock. No? Be careful with it. It's hard to close. Oh, my God. Well, no, I see this mechanism here,

but I'm saying if you really stab something with this, this might close up. Something? You've been hanging out with Rogan too long. You're talking knife usage. No. Ah! You're not going to stab a person.

No? No, no. It's just sort of like a threat to be like, stay away. Until they bring out another knife, and now you're in a fucking knife fight. Or they take your knife. Yeah. Oh, jeez. That's why I also carry pepper spray in the other hand.

Whoa. So if you're going to beat me, you better have a gun because you're not going to beat pepper spray plus knife. I feel you on that. There you go. This is a challenge.

Some guy's going to come up to him on the street and just blow your face off. Matt and I went out to shoot photos one time in the street and I'm like, I can't,

I'll take photos of buildings. I can't shoot people in the street. That's insane. He's like, it's not a problem. I've never had one problem ever my whole life and he goes now take this and he just hands me a can of fucking pepper spray i'm like well what is this then how can both these things be true i need pepper spray and it's not a problem right are you allowed to have a taser in new york oh yeah no no new york's crazy you're not allowed to order

the pepper spray online but you're allowed to have it. Really? Yeah, it's a weird law in New York. You can't buy it online? No, you have to order it to another state, like Pennsylvania or Connecticut or something. It's like in Sweden, you can't be a prostitute, but you can fuck one. So you're like, how does that work?

I don't know about that. A son of a pussy's illegal? Yeah, but if you fuck a prostitute, it's not illegal for you. Huh. Huh. Give it a goog. What about stabbing them?

That's fine. All right, you'll be fine in Sweden. Yeah. You guys see Poor Things? I hear it's great. I loved it. I heard it's a great movie. What is that?

It's a lot of boob, right? It's full on Emma Stone getting railed. It's really wild. Yeah, full bush, tits, the whole thing. Really? Yeah, it's really something else. Yeah, everyone loves this. Simon Rex just texted me.

He fucking loves this movie. Is there a robot in it? It's great. No, no. She's kind of wonky, right? I saw a trailer. She's a little kooky. But wonky does not equal robot.

It's like female Frankenstein kind of, right? Yes, basically. Okay, all right. Basically, yeah, there's a frankenstein-y guy willem dafoe and this he finds this woman and uh she jumps off a building she's pregnant she's that's emma stone oh there it is i told you damn anyways he takes the baby's brain he puts it in the mother's body and uh hijinks ensues gerard carmichael's in it and uh yummy he was amazing in it really fantastic so he's banging his baby in his wife's body

no no no no it's a he didn't know this woman and they're not banging it's the guy who did the favorite yes oh that was a great that was good incredible the favorite and uh and killing of a sacred deer which is amazing and dog tooth my favorite. Rami's really great. Yeah, he's a 10. And Gerard Carmichael's in it also. Did we already say that? Yeah, yeah. I heard everybody does an accent, but Gerard just talks like Gerard.

I think he does kind of an accent. Oh, all right. Yeah. Is it a British accent, like an old-timey? Yeah, it's all British. Do we have any videos this week, Peters? I have some stories. Stories?

Pull them up. Pull them up. What do we got here? I have some stories. There's stories? Pull them up. Pull them up. What do we got here? I don't know. What do we got? You teased me with that Emma Stone thing. This was disproven. This is not true?

Yeah, they said that's bullshit. All right, I'll skip that story. Who said that's bullshit? What is it? You guys talking about Just for Laughs? It says Wendy's to roll out Uber-style surge pricing. So during the rush hour, they'll charge you more for a wendy but it marks that it's not true that's what mark's saying but this is done he's tweeted like that's

bullshit don't listen to the internet burgers are still the same all right problem solved i hate to you know not yes and yeah but i just i heard it was not true that's like you know yeah what's it called ben's pizzeria did that during the hurricane, and it got a lot of shit. There you go. The lights were out. They were charging like 60 a pie. You can't have peak pie, you know?

Yeah, peak pie. Also because there's other pie. There wasn't because a lot of places were closed. They knew what they were doing. They were gouging. Cunts. I mean, that just goes to show you Uber surging is fucking bullshit, right? I mean, they're doing it. You you know what pissed me off about uber they go hey your uber will be here in eight minutes

and you go all right eight minutes and then if you really look at the clock you're like all right it's 7 50 now it'll be here in eight minutes it'll be here at 7 58 but it really gets there at 804 and then you're like well if i was I was late, you would leave. But you could be late. Sometimes they tell you it'll be there in a minute, and then when you order it, it goes, actually, it'll be there. Yes, yes. And they can cancel, but you can't cancel. Yes.

And the women don't pick up the check. You got that right. So here's a little news story. What's the story? It's coming to us from the UK, I believe. It says a man's overindulgence in Tinder leads him to therapy. One individual's experience illustrates the concern a British man's dependence on Tinder, marked by daily swiping through hundreds of profiles, prompts him to seek professional help,

highlighting the potential drawbacks of excessive access. I got a friend who's hooked on Tinder, and he's spending a fortune because you run out of swipes. And if you pay more money, they'll give you more swipes. And he's hooked. He can't stop swiping. And he's lost like his whole paycheck on Tinder. Everything's addictive now, dude. Sports gambling just on your phone. You used to have to like have a bookie.

It used to not be a thing. Here's another one they have. It's not legal in New York yet. But I was in Pennsylvania. you can do a casino you can put real money to play blackjack on your fucking phone how many people are going to go broke from this oh yeah they already are i mean the threshold of having to drive to a casino is enough for me not to go to a fucking casino yes same with a bookie you got to deal with a middleman middleman. But if you're addicted to gambling and you have poker, I mean, I guess you could always do poker, right?

But blackjack, the whole casino. Yeah, you're fucked. You're fucked. It's the same with porn. It's just right there. You just have to go get porn. Yeah, but porn, you're not losing shit. Porn's not connected to your bank account.

What have we found a way to combine the two? A what? Oh. A porn app with a gambling app. Now you're thinking. What positions are they going to do? I'll bet on that. Always bet on black, by the way.

That's not a position. Here's another story. Seattle Comedy Club cancels four comedians for progressive values. That's like a couple months old. No, this happened recently. It was like two weeks, three weeks. We know the comedians. We know Kurt Metzger and Jim and Lewis is crazy.

Dave Smith. Dave Smith, too? The owners went on the seller pod. Oh, wow. And I listened. Did you listen? I haven't listened. It's a good listen because Noam really, you know, he's such a smart guy, the owner of the comedy seller.

And he made some great points. They admitted they wouldn't have Richard Pryor. So he's like, by your guidelines, you wouldn't be allowed to have Richard Pryor. And they were like, yeah, I guess we wouldn't have Pryor. What are the guidelines? You know, no hate, no sexism, no slurs. They would book Cosby, weirdly.

Yeah, that's true. They would. That's a good point. But how is that gonna be funny that place is gonna go out of business yeah for sure maybe but it's weird because last time i was in seattle man i had a great fucking time because i was amazing but it's almost as if these people think that everyone's that they can control who like like there's everyone wants to do their club and they're just excluding

these four people but like i'm not gonna do that yeah i'll never no but i think they're like a wokey club that's like their thing yeah they're like we're the whatever capitol hill yeah but even even they're even they're even the woke audiences don't want that but it's the audience that push back i think because these guys i listen to the pod they're new they're like we don't want that. But it's the audience that push back, I think. Because these guys, I listen to the pod. They're new. They're like, we don't know what we're doing. We didn't even know who Kurt Metzger was. I saw he was on Chelsea lately, so I booked him.

You're like, oh, wow, you are clueless. But then all the community piped up and then said, you shouldn't have these people. And then Noam's great point was, those people aren't going to go see Dave Smith anyway. So now you're booking based on people who won't even be at that show. Right. They're not going to be in the room and they're dictating how you book it. They're not even going anyway.

And that's, look, if you run a business, this is your right, but it's also everyone's right to be like, you're fucking idiots. This is a terrible way to run a business. Yeah. Especially for comedy where different voices, like book them and then book some fucking woke person.

But I also think if you're not in that world of pushback, or different voices, like book them and then book some fucking woke person. Yeah, diversity. But I also think if you're not in that world of pushback, the first time you get it, it's jarring. So if you're just running a club and you book the people, and all of a sudden you go, bring in Luis J. Gomez. He's funny. He seems nice. And then all of a sudden 15 people email and go, he's a Nazi. You go, oh, jeez, I don't want a Nazi. Get out of here.

I remember I was at, what's the place that was big? nazi you go oh jesus i don't want a nazi get out of here right because they're not used to i remember i was at what's the place that was big it's still there at brooklyn on the rooftop oh cupboard tiny cupboard we went there so tiny cupboard is a is a room here in new york in brooklyn during the pandemic that fucking it was kind of a beautiful kind of a beautiful uh view with that train right there yeah not good for the show. Nah, killed the punchline. Well, it became this big space because it was outdoors. And, you know, it's Brooklyn, so it's kind of, and I don't want to fucking sound, it's like a wokey room, whatever term that doesn't make me sound like an asshole. But it's, you know, hipstery people.

And then they booked Aaron Berg, Butt and Gino Bisconti. Right. And Sarah was on the show. And Sarah's like, I'm doing a show. The lineup's crazy. Aaron Berg and Gino Bisconti right and Sarah was on the show and Sarah's like I'm doing a show the lineup's crazy Aaron Berg and Gino Bisconti and I was like

Gino Bisconti in Bushwick let me get my bag and back up and I was like I gotta see this Gino if you don't know Gino is extremely irreverent

yes let's say yes and as is Aaron but Gino's like Aaron times 50 which is hard to do so I went and I was in the back of the room and when it was time for Gino to go Aaron times 50. Which is hard to do.

So I went and I was in the back of the room and when it was time for Gino to go on, I like literally snuck up into the middle, put on a fake mustache and a wig and sat third row. And 30 seconds in, people were like, what's this? And because he says the F word, you know, the gay F word. And he says black this. Yeah. Jew this. And I mean, it just turned into like what the fuck and

people screaming and yelling and then we were with the owners broke out yeah and they were like look at this email we gotta shut down they were like shaking like we'll never have him back oh my god and i was trying to explain like yeah like definitely don't have him back because he doesn't fit here but also this person that wrote this email is also a lunatic don't worry about them they wrote an email this long within 30 seconds we're gonna call the better business bureau and the police and burn your place down it's a mass shooting at the fucking yeah well you're like okay yeah so don't have gene again you learned your lesson but also don't let these these people are crazy people yeah they just heard a comic they didn't like that's all but you're right they get all nervous and they they they freak out well they think oh my god now i'm gonna be a nazi because

that's the society we're living in now adjacent to nazi is nazi but even though you were just walking by a nazi rally and you're like i didn't know they were gonna be here but here's the twist now this club is getting death threats you know we're gonna murder you sig heil they're saying all this crazy shit on voicemail and all that so they think oh we did the right thing yeah but it every both sides will attack you either that or like we should have booked the nazi yeah they sell i have a draw six million people i love that they think like there's a puerto rican nazi yeah or jew yeah you know dave smith but imagine getting booked there and like you're not famous enough for someone to complain ahead of time, but you're walking on eggshells while you're on stage.

Or there's some fucking super-empowered weirdo that's recording what you're saying. Yeah, that's no good. It's just anti-comedy. The whole thing's anti-comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The way I see it is if, like, you don't like it, don't go.

If you don't like The Sopranos, don't watch it. Don't go on every podcast and say you don't like The Sopranos. I never bring it up. Even right now, you're bringing it up. I'm just joking. What are these crazy- I'm just busting balls. You gave him the Italian point on that, too.

Enough of this Asian Nazi. This guy's incredible. Dude, it really is. I mean, we've all heard stories on the road where you're like, oh, this guy's incredible dude uh you know it really is i mean we've all heard stories on the road where you're like oh this guy did this last week and you're like okay well that's rare when a guy does something insane usually at a club when you buy a ticket to someone you don't know you are taking a chance but you might be finding someone you love also yeah yeah you might be finding someone who fucking yes does something insane you know

you gotta be pretty terrible for the staff to talk shit about you yeah next yeah yeah you know louis ck story at the comedy cafe in milwaukee you ever hear him tell that story i haven't he's doing this is what i played that room though of course yeah me too best condo ever so this is like it was a nice condo this is like 30 years ago or whatever it was 25 years ago i guess and louis was there was before louis blew up but he was starting to sell some tickets but hadn't blown up yet and the room's half full and the guy saw this family coming in that comes often and they're always there and they're like you know with their grandparents and their 18 year old kid and they're like dressed and like oh we're gonna go see some comedy and they said did you look up who you're seeing? Do you know anything about him?

They're like, no, no, we just love comedy. Every time we come, we see a good show. And the guy was like, don't come. Really? He's like, we got a restaurant upstairs. I'm going to give you your money back for this. I'm going to get dinner on me, and I'll give you free tickets for this show. We got, I don't know who, fucking Brian Regan coming.

Yeah, yeah. But you're not going to have a good time. You're not going to love it. Go have dinner on me, and we'll come back next weekend. We got whoever coming in. And they were like, oh, okay. That's a good owner. And because the owner saw, he's like, you're not going to like this.

I know you guys. I know my audience. I know who you are. And this guy's going to talk about jerking off his kid's face or whatever. And just don't come in here because then I'm going to lose fans. I'm going to lose paying audience for the rest of my life because I'm going to go, just don't come in here because then i'm gonna lose fan i'm gonna lose paying audience for the rest of my life because i'm gonna go we'll never come back here again the one of the best ones i heard was appleton wisconsin doug stanhope and all his

openers are just shit-faced and like you know doesn't connect with the crowd whatever some woman runs up to him furious like like fuck fuck that guy he was drunk we need we deserve a refund like he was terrible and he went up to he overheard her and he goes they make us drink here they force us all to drink and she believed him she was like i'm so sorry i didn't know they treated you that way that's hilarious straight out it's funny too like there's all this nazi these comics are nazi it's this is the only time in history where nazi has been subject. It used to be just be kind of like, these are Nazis. It was a very specific group.

Now Nazi is like this Jew who says retard is a Nazi. Now it's a guy who doesn't thread the needle well enough on a bunch of them. Now we need like a Nazi breathalyzer. He blew a tooth. Sounds like sauerkraut. So I got another story here. It's a new TikTok trend has airplane passengers binding their ankles for extra comfort. Huh?

What? They're saying it's incredibly dangerous. I don't understand. What is this? People are binding their ankles, like tying their ankles together for extra comfort. I have the story here if you want to see it. Yeah. You might want to read more than that because it doesn't make any sense.

All right. Here's a big commercial probably. There it is. Because of TikTok, I've created a community where people can feel safe asking questions about... What the hell? This is an ad. An ad for nuns?

I'm muting it. Catholicism has ads now? You've got to fucking... But it's a story about TikTok and it's an ad for people to come to church now. I guess so. Guess how many views Baby Shark has while we're waiting for this to run what is that guess what's that baby shark it's a cartoon for kids called baby shark two dads that's all the info you need uh take a guess it's a cartoon for four million you say what do you say no it's

gotta be more that's gotta be more than that you're bringing it up. I'm saying 120 million. 120 million, you're saying? It's like Gangnam Style numbers. I'm going to say half a billion. Half a billion, you're saying? I'm going to go a billion. How about 16 billion? Wow.

Most watched video in the history of YouTube. I don't know what it is. 16 billion. This one's got 148. 148 what? Views. Well, that's not the one. That's a knockoff.

You're really flipping his Google, bitch. Really? No, look at it. Baby Shark. What is it? Oh, there are 87 million views on this one. This is it? No, this is not the right one.

This is not the official channel. No, we're going to get flagged as pedo. I'm telling you. Oh, Baby Shark original. I just saw it. Baby Shark, right there at the top. It says most viewed on YouTube. Well, this is a 16 billion and one.

I thought this was going to take one second. This one's got 170 mil. Welcome to the show. I'm telling you. Look up 16 billion. I saw it with my own eyes. I believe it. Because the kid, they put it on repeat for the children.

Yes, exactly. This is like it's raining tacos. Remember that shit? Yes. No. It's raining tacos. I know it's raining men. 87 million. Yeah. Wait. No. It's raining tacos. I know it's raining men. 87 million.

Yeah. Wait, the top one says 14 billion. Oh, I thought it said 140. Yeah, I thought it said 140. 14 billion, you fuck face. You're supposed to be good at this. Jesus Christ. Squint more, would you?

14 billion views. We got to write kids stuff. I know. How hard is it? Well, it's like that Regan bit. The clock goes tick. I mean, how hard is this? Well, it's like that Regan bit. The clock goes tick. I mean, how hard is this? 14 billion.

What the fuck? Anyone else hard? How much money are these kids making? I don't know. They didn't make anything. Fletch up, kid. This is wild. 14 billion.

That's more people than are on the earth. This is like the next Zac Efron right here. This is how it starts wow anyway sorry go back to the story i just wanted to pull it and it would have been quick if you had read it as 14 billion 148 the kids aren't even hot or talented tiktok okay so what's the ankle binding bind your leg what are you doing this just read the headline i did it made no sense tiktok trend has airplane passenger binding So what's the ankle binding? Bind your leg. What are you doing with this? Just read the headline.

I did. It made no sense. TikTok trend has airplane passengers binding their ankles for extra comfort. Incredibly dangerous. Oh, so because not enough leg room. Let's put our heads together. What could this mean? Well, why would you bind for comfort?

That seems uncomfortable. Maybe to keep your knee, because there's not enough wideness. Now this is the show. We gotta read the headline and we figure out what the article. That's a program. Now we got a game show. The article's about nothing? You're catching on. The button is too high.

Alright, well, good thing we have a loading issue here. Hold on. Maybe not a manager, but any career other than this, I think, would be ideal. Oh, they're binding it with the seatbelt to tie their legs tight so that you're not man spreading or whatever. Oh, it's comfortable for the person next to you. No, this is women.

Because your balls need to breathe. You can't just squish your balls. Yeah. Yeah, this is bullshit. My balls can squish. Really? Yeah. So you can sit- I can't just squish your balls. Yeah, this is bullshit. My balls can squish. Really? So you can sit like this all day. They stack on top of each other. But when you cross

like this, your balls are being lifted up. Mine tuck underneath. My balls are very long. Yeah, I got one up, one down. They stack on top. You can sit with your knees smashed together like that without needing to pull your balls up? Yeah. Well, I think.

It's not great. It doesn't feel great. I mean, I'm also not flexible. You don't, yeah. I like my balls squished up. I got long balls as well. Do you have a guy sitting on his own balls? This is what happens.

This is for comfort plus passengers. Oh, shit. All right, I think we got a we got a bunk story here this is no good what's the next one any other stuff oh the owl

beloved New York City owl Flacco passes away fans mourn his death Flacco rose to fame after he was spotted on 5th Avenue's sidewalk the night after he escaped

Central Park Zoo and there's a link okay what is does Flacco mean something to New York people? Because most deaf's nickname was Pretty Flaco. And there's Waka Flaka. Flaco means skinny in Spanish. Oh, Flaco.

Yeah. Oh, okay. All right. Man, that's a crazy looking owl. Well, I do know that hawks die a lot because they eat rats and rats have poison in their system bird flu but why is Flaco beloved what's special about Flaco I think he escaped the zoo and people made him

a little hero so he's a fugitive it's like Shawshank he couldn't take life on the outside and he finally died from eating a rat I don't know how he died I just assumed that he's starting a rumor that's a beautiful owl, though. Beauty.

Yeah. Can we eat it? It's dead. Can you eat an owl? I don't know. You can eat a quail. I don't think you can eat anything. I've never seen anybody serving it.

Yeah, I haven't either. But look at that. That's a lot of meat. Look at that gut. Look at owl wings. I should serve it at Hooters. Hey. Hi, folks.

It's mostly feathers, though, I bet. I bet it's not that big under it. All right. Let's look it up some owl recipes. He's looking up owl recipes. Now you're talking. Look at that neck. It spins all the way around. I bet there's a lot of good meat in there.

Good looking bird. Beautiful. They have extra bone in their neck. There's 16 recipes on Pinterest. Yeah? What kind of sauce are we talking with an owl? That was the least black thing you've ever said. It's asking me to enter my birthday? Oh, careful.

That's what the big owl will get you. That's a trickle. Tricky. Any videos or no videos? No videos. All right. Cold trickle. Some good news, though.

Who pulled some good news? What are you kidding? The binded knees and the- I was just trying to be positive. You did a terrible job, man. The owl was weak. I might start drinking again. The owl.

I saw an owl in Tacoma. I was out there. I told you, I might move out there. I walked into the park. Tacoma? Yeah. We're talking about shady downtowns. That one's a fucking...

He's got you there. Well, downtown Tacoma's tough, but I would move to Gig Harbor. But I'm changing my mind now. It's a little far from show business. Yeah. But we saw an owl, and I'm walking around. It's like a Tuesday afternoon. What do you do when you're bored in the daytime?

You got some time off, an hour. What do you do? You walk around? Walk, yeah. Walk, movie, restaurant. Dog shit. I went for a walk in Gig Harbor. An owl flew right over my head.

You couldn't even hear it. You just felt it. It was like a spirit. Yeah, they're quiet. They're going to be living there. They're going to catch mice. I think we should all move to the country. No.

No. Live together. Him moving to Brooklyn upsets me. It's a big mistake. Well, he's in Queens. But don't you see? I was in Brooklyn the other day. And I sound like fucking Jordan Peterson over here.

But I'm walking through Brooklyn. I was in Williamsburg. And, and I sound like fucking Jordan Peterson over here, but I'm walking through Brooklyn. I was in Williamsburg, and everyone's like, actually, no, it's not called that. You're moving to the heart of everything you particularly hate. I know. I know. This is your number one talking point. That's more like Williamsburg Greenpoint, though. You're in a more commercial area in Brooklyn.

And more residential. It's very black. It's very family, which is usually. Those are all things you hate. That's what I'm saying. Actually, yeah, that is fucking awful. Yeah, it's that stuff. I hate that voice.

It's going to be like, excuse me, we don't have trash. We have whatever. I hate that rhythm. And everybody's going to have the things and the whatever. It's going to be wacky, skinny pants. It's going to be wacky. Skinny pants. Everyone's going to have pants. What's worse than the gay accent delivering bad news? You have AIDS?

So sorry. We don't have any more rooms. Yeah. We don't have oatmeal. They don't sound sorry. They're right. They sound like they're happy to be telling you. Yeah.

That's true. Oh, you're going to die. Oh, you're going to hate me. I raped your child. Oh, my God. Oh die. Oh, you're going to hate me. I raped your child. Oh, my God. Oh, I feel terrible. It's a bad restaurant. Especially with the pet name in there.

Oh, boo-boo. Hey, sweetie. I'd love to be called boo-boo. I got more. Oh, sorry. I got more hot owl news. Oh, bring it on. Jesus Christ.

So this is a bird flying and what it sounds like versus an owl. All right, pretty flappy. No, I just had an owl buzz my head the other day. It made me think of this. Listen to the owl. It's Kenza's turn. It was incredible. Kenza.

Shh. Kenza coming in. This is bad for radio Because you're not hearing anything That's incredible That's what I felt I felt it And all of a sudden My hair's moved

And I looked up And it was just Right over our head It was wild How is that possible? They have the feathers That make them more silent They've evolved

You see those basketballs That don't make any noise It's going to say the N word The plastic ones The decibel waveform Shows sound being generated by the birds in flight. It's all dusty. Each spike is an individual wing beat.

Jesus Christ. We just lost all our listeners. Meditation. God damn it. Oh, fuck. God damn it. I feel like this is like what the BTK serial killer watch. Are you working on any bits, Joe?

New bits? Part of the show we need to start. We burned a couple bits before you got here. So if you guys got anything, or if you got a peeve. I said if you have to pee. I'm working on a bit about women not apologizing. Oh, all right. Yeah.

Oh, nice. Oh, actually, no. I'm working on a bit about women not apologizing. Oh, all right. Yeah. Oh, nice. Oh, actually, no. I'm working on a new bit about titties. Please. Please. Do you want me to just do the bit? Sure. We'll workshop it.

It's ridiculous that we live in a place where on one end titties are regulated, like you have to be 18 to see them. Mm-hmm. Right? It's not a good indicator. It's not a good indicator it's not a good defense mechanism to keep people from but every website every porn cycle are you 18 right you don't you don't have to pass a test right click on every picture with a titty on you know but

but you yeah so if you followed all the rules theoretically you could get drafted and die in a war before you ever saw a legal titty. Yeah. But on the other end of the spectrum is the YY West. You come out of your mom's pussy, your whole world is titties. And there's no laws on when you have to stop. No, there's no law. Your mom can breastfeed you until you're 30s. Yeah, I guess that's true. So you could be a little kid that's like a genius, and you get into Harvard at 13, and you're having a hard time, and your mom could swoop by, pop out of the city, make everyone uncomfortable.

No one can call the police. She could pop out of the city to soothe you. But if you filmed it and put it online, he's not allowed to watch it. That's fun. That's good. You know, something like that. That's not allowed to watch it. Oh. Oh. That's fun. That's good. Yeah, or something like that. That's all it is so far. My only pushback is I think a breast milk stops producing.

No, no, no. As long as she don't stop breastfeeding it, it keeps- Is that right? Yeah. What? Damn. They used to have fucking like, you know- So what's the oldest you can breastfeed?

Infinite. If I cry around my mother, milk just shoots out. I mean, I don't know what the record is, but there used to be... Let's look up the record. Isn't that what a wet nurse is? Like somebody that never stops breastfeeding so they can breastfeed your kids. Yes. What? Is that what it is? My lady.

Slavery days, they had black women feeding the white children because it was undignified for the white woman to do it really it's called a wet nurse that was fucked up and turned on not cool yeah so you and i think theoretically it could go forever there's no laws to stop to say you have to stop breastfeeding i feel like this is the meat of the bit the titty milk yeah the titty milk it's infinite it would be nice if we uh could produce something

yeah but a baby can't eat you i mean it can eat you is but i don't think it's good for it it is i'm gonna keep trying there have i think there have been men that have produced breast milk is that right really i mean there must be at this point oh at this point yeah three oldest known breastfed children i got one here still look at the third one there they've got charlotte spink charlotte i say that miyam bialik isn't it the blossom woman yes that is she was on jeopardy you know 10 years old as well 10 i thought we go four years old isn't that crazy yeah 10 years old was pretty old yeah four's four's nuts i mean listen all of these are nuts i bet they're healthy as shit though because there's breast milk is the most nutrient

enriched liquid on the planet i mean they might be physically healthy but mentally oh of course you're not supposed to be aware of your mother's titty like you're supposed to stop dealing with your mom's titties right when you can start remembering stuff you're not supposed to be able to kind of read and be able to suck you should be able to draw your mother's titties from memory right right a police sketch artist tell me how the titty looked with a woman she's like is that the best tit you ever sucked on you're like actually um also i think they get pretty gnarled up those nips they do yeah oh yeah yeah i've hooked up with some divorcees and on the road and like holy shit really yeah it's like a fucking balloon got fucking tied up you

know we switched to formula and i've never been happier in my life yeah gnarled is the cringiest word well they used to shit on formula nesley got a ton of shit back in the day that's right pushing formula but well breaststroke is healthier oh yeah oh yeah because it's got by the biome and yeah you can't feel this is this. 10 years old? That's great. Well, that's the UK. They're weird over there. And talk about gnarled teeth. I'm right here.

And everything. Let's look at this. I'm a parent. I should... That wasn't shit, but I should... I'm trying to do the UK accent that I hate. Let's hear it. I'm...

Hello. I just fucked it up. Righto, governor. No, no, no. That's not UK. That's not UK? That's not UK? That's Australia. Oh.

No. That's not Australia. I should be able to suck any tea I want. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's like London-y. That's like London-specific has no tea. Right.

Tea. No... Oh, tea. Yeah. Like a Russell Brand. Like London particularly is like. No, oh, T-E. Yeah. Oh. Like a Russell Brand, like London particularly is like. Beantown kind of

absorbed that. Well, the Boston accent and the British accent are the same accent essentially. Bathroom. Oh, yeah. A little more Irish in there.

Yeah. It's just a little harsher in Boston. A little more blue collar. You say hosh in British, in Britain. Yeah, park the car. You say the car.

I parked the car. Right. And then, park the car. You say the car. I parked the car. Right. And then you park the car. But do they understand y'all? What? I don't understand you. I think it's an owl. I'm saying like, because I have to put on subtitles when I'm watching British shit.

Yeah, me too, actually. Even though they're speaking English. But they seem to understand. That's perfectly fine. Oh, Lock, Talk, and Stew Smoking Barrels. You need those subtitles. Yeah, yeah. Some of those are tough.

Guy Ritchie. Yeah. The Cockney accent. Do Boston people understand British people pretty? I think I do pretty well. But, I mean, that's a particularly outrageous accent they're doing. But British people in general, I can understand. Yeah, yeah.

I think they understand us because they're absorbing our shit early. Movies and TV and all that. I feel like the record has to be higher than 10 years old. I thought so too. I don't know how good you are at Googling over there. Oh, he got you there, Asian. Well, he's a manager. What do you want?

He doesn't know anything about Googling. He's busy looking up owl recipes. I do have one. Better knives. I have a new bit that's kind of a story but it's a bit i've been doing on stage but it's quick so that sarah's father died a few years ago they're from texas right so we all went down to texas to be with her mother and then my mother sent a fruit basket to her mother and then like three days later the fruit basket was sitting

there so sarah was like my wife was like why not mom why don't you want to answer open the fruit basket and then her mother goes oh no that's for joe his mother sent it like sarah's mother thought my mother sent me fruit like when i go when i travel she's just like my son is in austin just giving his fruit and i'm like you thought you're gonna open that and i was gonna hey bitch put down the grapes those are mine i know your husband just died yeah yeah it does okay that's funny. That needs more. I want to connect it to like that's why my wife is so, has such low self-esteem, whatever.

Right. It's a true story. Like her mother legitimately thought my mother sent me fruit. That's funny. Which is insane. You buy your wife panties and she assumes you bought them for you. Well, that's true. I'm spitballing here.

What else you could send i'm thinking yeah but it's funny because it's in that you know it's as well packaged with the pet the basket and the the bullshit in there probably some chocolates and her husband died everyone's sending her stuff and then the day three days after her husband dies a giant fruit basket with a card arrives and she's like that must be for joe that's great she didn't open him now the fruit's expired too thanks hey here we go sounds like john wick five yeah give me back my son yeah after his wife died a puppy arrived oh i didn't know that killed the dog got it got it oh yeah it was all about the dead dog right hey that's why he's getting the first one yeah i mean it was mostly about the dead wife oh but then the dog he was like living like the dog was like the representation

of the life got it you know because he only had the dog i get that a couple weeks it was a bitch and the car they right they fucked his car that first round wick was fun as hell it was unbelievable oh you know the last one was pretty cool too i haven't seen the last i think i saw parts of the last one tv the actions and saying oh yeah keanu seen the last. I think I saw parts of the last one on TV. The action's insane. But Keanu Reeves wasn't the best part of the movie. Who was? Danny Yo?

I don't know. The guy with the hair. You must know him. Asian guy. Or maybe it was Danny Yao. Syracuse? Probably a Yao. Donnie Yen?

Yeah. Yeah, Donnie Yen. Donnie Yen. Yeah. Yeah, Donnie Yen. Donnie Yen. That's like Joey Money. That's a cool name. Yeah, right? Right? Yen is like a box.

Donnie Money. You know what I just watched for the first time ever and never seen it? Shout out Dina and Ron on Egg of Me to see it, but Old Boy, the original.

Oh, man. That's it. Did you see the Spike Lee one before you saw the original? No. Oh, good. Don't bother. Really?

The original Old Boy is incredible. It was really cool original? No. Oh, good. Don't bother. Really? The original O-Boy is incredible. It was really cool. Very violent. Oh, my God. Beautiful music, too. It's not that violent, honestly. It's pretty fucking violent. Yeah, it's fucking very violent.

Yeah, you think so? Yes. It kills like 9,000 people. It's pretty fucking violent, I thought. Have you seen Squid Game? It's a rom-com. Because when does he... He doesn't really hardly kill anybody.

The last scene's all murder. The whole thing, thing the last scene he's just like mowing people down with a samurai sword am i nuts no you're right you're running the money am i thinking about a boy no he's not mowing no there's some what am i there's a tongue thing that's pretty fucked up there's teeth getting yanked out yeah the last scene is him getting his tongue. Oh, maybe. I think there's something else then. Asian guy killing the shit out of all the henchmen. Yeah, that was this.

Okay. You talking about Home Alone? This paint can's swinging down. Should we maybe bleep the part where I say about the tongue just because I don't want to give spoilers if you haven't seen that movie. That movie's 20 years old. All right. Well, I haven't seen it until now.

Sometimes you're late on a movie. You also mentioned Godfather. Should we edit that out? That's true. Fuck it. Old Boy is literally a movie that you couldn't make it. If it didn't exist and you just made it here, it wouldn't. Well, it's got everything about it.

It's shocking. It's the ending shocking for fucked up reasons. It's violent as shit. It's a mind fuck. I mean, it's my type of movie. You're not even really sure who's the bad guy. Right. It really is. Sorry.

That was fucking perfect. Yeah, look at that. Who's who? That's what I'm talking about. Okay, no sword. He's got a hammer. This is in the beginning of the movie and this is the only scene like this. I thought the end was like this too. The end's pretty fucking violent.

The end is violent, but you know. Have you seen Battle Royale? No, I heard that's good. Tarantino loves that one. Yeah, talk about violent. Basically a bunch of guys on an island that have to fight to not die.

Fun. Is this Japanese, Chinese, Korean? Because I think the Koreans... The Koreans have the dark shit. They're the best artists of Asia. Yeah. South Korea rules. Aren't they the best at everything?

Korean? No. Basketball? Oh, well, okay. Of Asia. Oh, of Asia. Nope. The Chinese still got them beat back.

Well, they have the population. And the balloon. Japanese got baseball. Yeah, but that's us. But South Korea's very good at baseball now, too. They get a lot of baseball. Yeah. Satsui, what was that guy's name?

Hideki Matsui. Matsui. Ichiro Suzuki. Oh, they're not very good at winning wars. Ooh. They did all right until 1945. They held their own for a good couple hundred years. Yeah, Japan kicked some ass. They're kind of 50-50. They did all right until 1945. They held their own for a good couple hundred years. Yeah, the band kicked some ass.

They're kind of 50-50. They're kind of split. Give them hell, Harry. It's still overtime. One of the best Colin Quinn jokes. Give them hell, Harry. Remember that one? It was about Harry Truman. His nickname was Give Them Hell, Harry. It was like a sarcastic because he was so weak. Who is this person?

I know who this is. That's Sam's dad. I recognize this person i know this is that's sam's dad i recognize this person but why is he serious richard lewis you gotta get out of austin man you gotta get out of mothership green room you're rotting away in there with no windows okay richard lewis he just passed away i know the name i didn't know he died curby enthusiasm stand-up comedian bunch of mel bro movies. You watched that new Curb? Robin Hood Men in Tights. I'm watching it today. I was on the floor. Robin Hood Men in Tights.

Great. The Prince. Yeah, I know I've seen him in a lot of stuff, but I didn't know. He died. Okay, I'm sorry. He's gone now. Is he really your dad?

No. Oh, man. Tequila's good. Actually, his dad is not around. Oh, your dad's dead too? No, he's old as dead to him yeah oh you don't fuck with him i i have a great stepdad he's who i called dad but yeah i have a there's a distant biological situation what would you do if your dad came around why your stepdad was in the

room would you what would i do no what would you call him would you call him bob you call him you call your real your biological dad by his by his first name that's what i call him when he's around hey bobby oh so he's around sometimes his last name is up and down in the water oh okay yeah yeah i see i will be that was an early sam that was that was an early sam that was an early shitty sam joke as i won't i won't say his name on stage i'll say it backwards bob hey i like. That's not shitty. That's okay. No, I assume you don't know yours. No, I know my name. Oh, okay.

No, but it's, what? It was a black joke. Come on. Hey, Kool-Aid. Are you Jewish? No, I wish. Everyone thinks you are, though. I know.

It's holding me back. By the way, you guys did your Netflix half hour the same day. Yes. And I was sitting next to you while he was on stage. Okay, what happened? And Mark does like a four minute like Jewish joke and you're like, this motherfucker's trying to kill his career. I said that?

You did. Yeah, I remember that. I said this motherfucker's trying to get cancelled. Oh, okay. It was height of the pandemic. Tensions were high. Did it air? Yeah, it came out with the airs. Unlike now when everyone loves us. Yeah, that were high. Did it air? Yeah. Came out with ears. Unlike now when everyone loves us. Yeah.

That's true. Oh, you a Jewish? Yeah. See, that's wild. Because you seem more Jewish than him. He's going with the fucking gas. You got to test it all. You got to spend some more time with the fellas.

No. Because all the Jews I know now, they wearing the bling. You know? Bling? They got the diamond encrusted stars of david oh yeah like they're bigger now you got to represent apparently try not to break a stereotype it just feels like a little thing but now every time i see a jew with a with a star david on now it's like more gaudy interesting you gotta let him know he was italian me no john got john

all right okay like me it's getting to that time. Well, plug some dates, guys. Watch Brian's new special on Netflix the 22nd? The 19th. The 19th of March. What's it called? It's called... Oh, boy. I thought I was bad at this.

Live from the mothership. Live from the mothership. Hey, there you go. And Joe List, I mean, tour dates for both of you guys. Brian, where are you going? I got some tour dates here for you. Oh, sweet. Okay, I'm not going to complain.

West Nyack. Wise Guys. Let's help him out here. All right, you got Wise Guys. Wise Guys, April 12th. Come on out. April 13th, Wise Guys. That's in West Jordan Guys, April 12th. Come on out. April 13th, Wise Guys. That's in West Jordan, Utah.

Motherfuckers. Tacoma Comedy Club, one of the best clubs. April 26th, April 27th. Shout out, Tacoma. That's where I'm moving my future home. Maybe I'll open for you. I'll be out there. Punchline Philly.

Very tall ceilings. June 14th, 15th, Punchline Philly. Best room in Philly. Not really. My big one, May 2nd, Regent Theater. For God's sakes, you got to come out at the same... I'm in Skid Row at the same time as the fucking Smashing Man of Scalco, Nate Bargatze, I think Seinfeld, Bill Burr, Bill Cosby.

They're doing three shows. At the Netflix Fest? Yeah. This is the Netflix Fest. Oh, yeah, I'm going to be there for one day. Regent Theater, May 2nd. And there you go. Pittsburgh, go to Punch-Up Live.

Please come. They're not paying for our travel. Yeah. Buffalo, New York, April. April, change the fucking website while I'm reading it. April 25th to the 27th, Helium, Buffalo. Yeah. I got nothing.

I'm off. Was that Sam? What is the? Yeah, I'm off the road yeah I got nothing I'm off was that Sam or where's the yeah I'm off the road for a minute I'm taping I will when this comes out

I will have taped my special so I'm taking a minute I'm gonna be up there but I got my family so I can't come yeah that's alright yeah I'll be like 12 miles away from you

ah that hurts I know I was all excited I wanted to surprise the family the pizza come out late

if you're not doing anything but I hear you ah the baby ah that's, the pizza. Come out late if you're not doing anything. But I hear you. The baby. That's right. The baby. Life's over. Who's opening? Gary.

Oh, I'll come up then. Well, I'm definitely drunk. It's not a question. Yeah, good for you. You might be drunk. We'll get you a car. No, no, no. No sense.

No, no. No, it's no problem. So Mark will be in El Paso on March 22nd and 23rd, Albuquerque March 29th, Memphis, Little Rock, Knoxville, all over the road, Chattanooga, Syracuse on April 12th, Buffalo April 13th, and then Minneapolis on the 19th. You've got two shows there in the state theater. Very nice.

And not to get weird, but we're doing a live Tuesdays at the Comedy Store during the Netflix Fest. Yes. Sunday. You are? That'll sell out. Sunday, May 5th. Live Tuesdays.

Yeah. Tuesdays. 4 p.m. Nice 4 p.m. show at Cosby Style. Yeah. Do y'all list on the pod only being on Tuesday? Like, what if you gotta do it? What if you gotta...

We'll do whatever. Well, it'll air on a Tuesday. Yeah. For the people. But the live will be on a Sunday. Could be any day. And we got a Bodega Cat Whiskey. Bodegacatwhiskey.com, guys.

Get a bottle. It's cooking. A lot of good stuff coming with Bodega Cat. Oh, yeah. You guys do a whiskey, like W? Oh, I like that. It's pretty good. I'm about to do some flavors.

This is not acceptable. Oh, sorry. Is that bad? Are we going to get fucked up? No, I'm kidding. We'll go down to Mark. All right. We love you guys.

Thanks for listening. Hey, hey. Que'll go down to Mark. All right, we love you guys. Thanks for listening. Hey, queef it up. Comedy. Sunday's the day for my next offender. A bit of Pivarec, you know the beer juice close. I've had a little too much bourbon. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope. And I get down in the same way.

Up on the roof like a cop's coming. And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way. We might be true.