We Might Be Drunk - Ep 173: Allegedly

Episode Date: April 1, 2024

Freshest episode you could ever ask for, recorded on March 28th we talk road shows, MSG Garden of Laughs, P. Diddy, Nickelodeon and how ignorance is bliss. Everyting in this episode is alleged if any lawyers are listening. Sam Morril: https://www.sammorril.com/ Mark Normand: https://marknormandcomedy.com/ Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order at  https://www.sheathunderwear.com with promo code DRUNK Shop: https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod Bodega Cat: http://www.bodegacatspirits.com We Might Be Drunk is produced, recorded and edited by Gotham Production Studios. Head producer: Matthew Peters https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters/ If you want to start a podcast contact [e-mail] for a discount on services when referred by WMBD!

Ah, we're back. Mark's chewing an orange. Alright, I need my vitamin C, baby. Yeah, baby. Oh yeah, look at this, cuts. Yeah, oh they've been hooking us up. They have good, right out of the gate you're gonna plug too. Sorry. No, they're great. I love their stuff. The shirt and the jacket is cuts. I love cuts.

Dick is cuts. Yeah love cuts. Dick is cuts. Circumcised. No, I wear a ton of their shit. They're great. Very nice. It's a care package. I love it. Little Gary's wearing cuts.

We have some of the same shit, so we have to coordinate on the road. I'm like, we're both wearing a red hoodie. I'm like, you motherfucker. That's adorable. I've noticed sometimes my openers will look like me. I'll have this guy, Caleb Seinen, open for me. He's got curly hair, and he's a skinny white white guy and I'm like, what am I doing? I gotta mix this up

I gotta get like a Yamanica. Yeah. Yeah exactly So yeah, we're having fun on the road. I'm living on the road. Just got back from Albuquerque Paso act a big one. I heard that was a big one, there's nothing to do there. It's flat and dry like my ex. It's road runner country out there. It's wacky. It's a whole other world. I've never been.

I loved Santa Fe. I had a great. Really? Yeah, yeah, I thought the crowd was excellent. Yes. I even, you ever on the road for so long that you get like, you're like, I'm gonna buy something. I just bought like a leather jacket there.

I never wear leather jackets. But I'm wearing it on this season of a is it cake on Netflix coming out soon I'm wearing a leather jacket And it was a risk and then Mikey day at one point called me cool And I was like because I'm rocking away. I've never been called cool. This is more than a fucking leather jacket Yeah, I'll do rock the leather jacket the other day I had to rock it at the Knicks game and you just feel like you feel like Travolta in Bay Ridge and Saturday fever. I'm just You just feel good you feel strutting if there's something strutty about a little I don't even think he wore one in that movie

Did he but it feels he did he definitely wore I remember the white Yeah, of course, of course the white suit, but watch the hair, but yeah Yeah, we need a guy who thinks we can play the Bee Gees Guy thinks we can get away with fucking Big I haven't tried to get their tracks for specials. They're like oh, that's gonna run you like 50k. I'm like oh never mind Yeah, but dude the Bee Gees are so fucking good so good in that documentary is killing. It's insane on Macs I love that shit. It was a different time because they were kind of struggling as a boy band You know the acapella whatever the hell you call that soprano, and then they hit it with disco the biggest thing on the planet

There's a letter as an LJ. Oh there. We go. Yeah, the opening got him an idiot That's a rich this movie so much darker than you remember when you watch so darmy. This is old Brooklyn There's nothing we're getting about that character not one. He can dance. I was I was about to cut Not a great guy, but I'll hit you with one of these and you're like well like so can Chris Brown so there you go But he you know people seem to have forgiven and you're like like so can Chris Brown so there you go, but he you know People people seem to have forgiven him have you seen the charts? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? That was my only good line on my last protect our parks. I was so drunk. I couldn't think of anything funny, but uh They're talking about UFC and Rogan goes who do you think the best fighter ever is and I go Chris Brown

No one laughed no one cared, but I got it in like yeah Yeah, but this movie is dark. It's gangs if there's a rape scene They pushed the guy off the bridge or whatever he fell I maybe fell yeah He falls, but his life wasn't going great. Yes. Yes That was a different time he date rapes a girl and then calls her I can say this without getting demonetized calls Our cunt right afterwards. He's like now. You're a cunt yeah Don't do that you won't fall off a bridge yeah, and we never thought twice, but you're like oh what a movie picture Funny I saw this too young because I remember just seeing all the clips and like I'd watch the Simpsons

And they would like parody it and stuff so yeah Oh, this is like the fun dancing movie and as a kid. I was like shocked Oh, yeah movies will make you grow up. Yeah, oh for sure you watch some of these you're just like oh shit A dude just dies yeah off a bridge. It's like yeah. It's just a New York death Don't oh I'm a fucking bridge and what sort of hurry in the dollar slice Yep, what sort of hurry is the end that he's got eight two slices of pizza on top of each other He's got to get back to the hardware store. Sell that paint. But I mean Porky's is dark.

There's like a weird anti-semitic ribbon going through it. Yeah, where he says Kite instead of Kike. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was like the big, so he was like the dumb racist. Right, right, right. Yeah, Animal House is a date rape. They have the... Revenge of the Nerds.

Revenge of the Nerds as the eating out. There's like two scenes in Revenge of the Nerds that could be on Law and Order SVU There's like two legitimately dark scenes Yeah They're funny in the movie They're great But you break them down, you're like Revenge of the Nerds was on TV the other day dude It is a fun movie

Oh it's killer Also underdog When they're the band Yes Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun Young Anthony Edwards. Yeah. I think it's also on Pretty in Pink,

he gives his drunken girlfriend to Anthony Michael Hall, the nerd, and he's like, this is me, and then he's like, just take my girl home, just take her. Well, yeah. I think that was just like 80s studios, they're like, but where's the rape? Oh!

They're just like, no, we need a rape. Which we've now moved on to like we need a black guy Real progress will be we'll get a black rape There we go Like roots had that That was the 80s had some it's such a weird decade for movies, dude. Cause there's such, there's some really bad flicks. Tarantino says the worst decade of film history.

I think it is, cause the 70s and the 90s are insanely good. This is a great movie about Sam talking to his ex. I have that image on a t-shirt. This is called The Long Goodbye. So it really is. I know, I know know I documentary. I'll take that joke out But we've all been there I mean that I've how many road nights were you talking to your agent are you talking to your girl? And you got a whiskey and you're like I got I got a six-hour flight coming up

I'm on saddest saddest parts of the ham and cheese is 25 cents here. Oh Those were the days that's my voice tells me that he's on the road. He has to pretend He's having a bad time those girls like God's brutal out here I'm so bored who said that him or maybe you know no Veeder does it on the road he be on the phone with Gary will be on the on the road with me and he'll be on the phone with his wife and he's to pretend It's like brutal. We're literally like outside like tanning. He's like, it's fucking, it's taking a toll on me. We're like fucking, sometimes, not the best, we'll be like poolside in Orlando, a lot of leg tattoos.

Better than, you know, what it could be. Snowstorm in New York, you got a coconut drink with an umbrella in it with the white on your nose. Like, ah, it's gulag down here. You know, I have a famous story. The first time I met Joe List, we had the same manager. He put us together for a road gig in Boston. So we had to ride in a car together, five hours, never met. So we're just getting to know each other in the car.

And we're having a great time talking Seinfeld, talking Chris Rock Bits, talking comedy, whatever. And my girl at the time, different girlfriend, called called me and I wanted to get off the phone with her Because she just wanted to chat for like an hour and I wanted to hang while you're with another guy in the car Yeah, she just wanted to talk she liked talking on the phone and I was I was like Zoom it I can't see I Zoom it I can't see

Holy shit, that is hilarious small mouth No chin the whole thing all right for that not big enough, but I've got it all she's got herpes to All right, well the story is ruined, but I'm sorry Great story, but I was in shotgun, and I'm sorry Mark. No it's not. So what happened? It's not a great story, but I was in shotgun and I'm like, ah, I gotta get off the phone, I'm driving, there's ice patches everywhere, if I hit a patch, we'll slide off the road. I wasn't driving, Jolis is howling and he hung up the phone and he goes, we're gonna be friends forever.

Ah, ha ha ha. Yeah. No that's like, that's like such an obvious guy on the road thing. You can't be on the phone. I know. That would really bug me. I've definitely brought people on the road and they're fighting with the girls.

Yes! And I'm like, what are you doing? I'm paying you to do the gig with me. Take that shit outside, get out of the green room. No, fuck you! I'm like, please just, you know. They're driving obviously, because I can't drive. Right, right.

And they're screaming, you know? Yeah, we don't need that energy in the weekend. Come on. You ever do the share the hotel room with any other kind? Oh yeah. I shared one with a guy once and he was just scream fighting with this girl the whole time. Yeah.

And then he snored on top of it. That was like a bad snore. I know it's not technically your fault, but you find ways to blame him. Yes, yes. And you really contemplate murder. When someone's snoring, you're like, I find ways to blame him. Yes, yes. You know? And you really contemplate murder. When someone's snoring, you're like, I'm going to snuff him out with the pillow.

I can't take it. I was rolling a guy over once. We were both drunk, but he was so drunk that it was like, you know the snoring where you're like, is he going to die? You know, he's like, uh, uh, uh. It sounded like a dolphin. Yeah. Yeah.

And I rolled his ass. I didn't want to Jimi Hendrix him, so I rolled his ass over and he stopped snoring for like 10 minutes and then it started again. It's such a hateable quality to snore. That's why there's never been a forensic files about a snorer because after they caught the guy, you'd be like, but I kind of get it.

You know what I mean? It's so irritating. It's probably a big reason why the women kill the guy over time. You know, women kill men slowly That's the antifreeze in the oatmeal every time put a drop in six months later. He's dead, but it's that snoring I bet yeah, I store my lady hates it. Do you snore? I snore like a chainsaw She hates it. You don't you never really know if you snore unless there's video proof. Yeah. Well, Sean Patton, worst snorer in America. I've been a...

I can see that. I've lived in a house with five guys. I got a brother. I got my dad snores like crazy. My dad's a snorer. All dads snore. All dads snore. You shoot a load into a woman, she has a baby, you start snoring. I don't know why that is.

Or you start sneezing like an asshole. Ah! Oh, that's... Dude, I got to fucking peeve. The guy who sneezes... I don't know why that is oh, and he starts sneezing like an asshole That's dude. I got it. I got a fucking peeve is the guy who sneezes What is that just like I give a guy he's two coffees for some reason on the plane I know he had maybe one car, but he's holding the bag going right by me goes. That's you What are you doing? He said I do your horn Yeah What's what he was doing? Yeah? Yeah, if you break it down, I do. It's like an air horn. He said, I do. Yeah. I guess that's what he was doing. Yeah, yeah.

If you break it down. But my dad sneezes like, it's like a fucking air horn. It's like, ah! I'm like, what is this? You hear birds flapping away from the house. It's crazy.

Morgan Murphy had a great tweet once. She said, a haunted house, but just dad snoring, or just dad sneezing. I fucked it up. But yeah, that was a funny tweet but he's got some good shit. She's funny. Yeah, Morgan Murphy Shout out good bits, but yeah Sean Patton worst snore on the planet And we've done a million gigs together all over Louisiana back in the old poor comedy days He got a sleep apnea thing the mask

I Want to fuck him in the ass cuz he he sleeps like a baby he's silent now wow it works such a sad packing thing though you're it is those weren't made for road comics those were made for people that never leave there's something so sad about putting that in a duffel bag I know I know it's like a sign of aging and it's like you look like Bane You know But you see his fat ass on the on the air mattress with that air thing and with that mask on and you're like Thank God for technology. I think an air mattress with one of those is the saddest images I've ever seen

The air mattress the air mattress and the sleep apnea mask. It's a bad a bad combo the neck look Not a good combo. It's the opposite of Burt Reynolds naked on a bearskin rug. Yeah. Is a fat guy, sleep apnea mask with the air mask. We have a fat guy here. Peters? Oh! That's what we call a misdirect.

Everyone looked at me. He's not on the show, he's the producer. He is on the show, but he's not on camera. Are you on camera? Never? But every now and then you'll walk in and give stuff to us, and then the whole frame is taken up. But...

Do you... Do you snore now? You must. Yeah. Six six. Oh, okay. Girl snores are cute though. They're like... ...... I mean, you still put a pillow over their head. Oh, okay. Girl snores are cute though, they're like...... ...

I mean, you still put a pillow over their head, but you do it with a smile on your face. Of course. No, I'll be in the bed with the girl and sometimes she'll snore. Winnie always fucking snores. Mmm. Winnie is an old bag, dude. Where is Winnie? She'll be back.

Alright. She'll be back. Alright. Take a little trip. Uh-oh. No, no, she's coming back I'm on the I'm on FaceTime with my girlfriend, and she's driving She's got road rage and someone cuts her off in LA and when he's in the passenger seat just flies

She's like screaming like fuck yeah, and then she like I see when he just collapsed into a fucking Scream like fuck yeah, and then she like I see when he just collapsed into a fucking No pocketbooks. I'm like she got a cushion. It was like her airbag. Okay good. She was fine, but I was a hoof I just see those little paws go like Out the window this picture is flying through the fucking windshield yeah, but I feel like she would land on her feet Yeah, yeah, just survivor. She's basically like that Hawaiian lady on the dash. Just you know Bobbin and weaving She's basically like that Hawaiian lady on the dash just you know Bobbin and weaving The white power cat at the Chinese restaurant They love that cat

It's like hello kitty yeah, but that Japanese Japanese Japanese So yeah, what were you doing last night? Yeah, I want to hear all about Did a gig did garden the laughs crazy. I didn't realize how big it was Apparently they raised over like two million dollars for this charity. Oh, yeah, like, you know crazy lineup me Chrissy Do there's me and Chris D with my favorite basketball player as a kid had his poster on my wall John Starks Oh, that's a legend. I legend, I love him. Legendary. I had a good set. Luckily, I text both of you guys my opener. I had to go bullet on this lineup.

Great opener. And I opened the benefit where they, Steve Sharippa from The Sopranos comes out and I'm trying not to laugh because his voice I just associate with Bacala. Sure. So he's like, we did a lot of good this year. I'm gonna try to keep a straight face here.

This was Marie Ziti. Karen. Karen Ziti. Yeah. So set the stage, you're at Madison Square Garden. MSG, big deal. Twice in a week, by the way. Yeah, we were there earlier, yeah. We're gonna talk about that later.

We'll talk later, but yeah, so we're at, I'm at the garden, crazy gift bag too. I have now two Morrell Nick's jerseys custom. They gave me one when I made, and I got a Walt Frazier bobblehead. All these great gifts, they gave me a little suitcase that opens with the kids thanking you on a video. It's incredible, but oh, there we are.

John Stewart, C.C. Sabathia, Dwight Gooden. This is the first time I ever saw my agent, Mike, is a crazy baseball fan, he's the biggest Yankees fan. So I watched him, I've never seen him get starstruck. He works with pretty famous clients. Sure, David Hart and all that. Yeah, he reps some big dogs,

but he goes up to Doc Gooden and he's like, Doc, I read all your stuff, I've read your book, your story, and I was like, damn, I've never seen him like, you know. And Doc, Chris has a big business special about Doc Gooden. Oh, that's right. About how his dad pretended he had special needs to get better seats at a game.

Oh, right. And it was the Dwight Gooden perfect game. Oh, perfect game? Is he the? No hitter, no hitter. He's not the acid guy, is he? No, that's Doc Ellis. Sorry, wrong Doc. That's a crazy story though, not the acid guy. Is he? No, that's Doc Ellis. Sorry wrong, Doc

That's a crazy story though. Great stuff drops acid and throws a well, he's a medical doctor. You do what he wants But yeah, oh who else? Oh, yeah, JB. Yeah, he was cool. Hey, they pulled they did not want me in that photo JB Suzy and John I think John just saw me standing there and he goes Sam get in here just to be a he's a nice guy That's killer. Hey, Jimbo. Yeah, we had a lot. I got brought on by Henrik Lundquist and Mike Richter, the two best Ranger goalies ever, legends, Henrik Lundquist, hot as shit.

So you had the bullet spot, what happened? Wait, that was great with the jacket. I go bullet and I, my opener is two million dollars, guys, we did it. And it's all going to Diddy's Legal Defense Fund. Hey. And that, it crushed, and I'm like, thank, I got an applause rate, so I'm like, I'm in. It was one of the things where I'm like, can I say this?

You know, it's like, everyone's there. Like literally every person, every New York person, like McEnroe's in the crowd. Oh my God. Ben Stiller. Talked to McEnroe for a while. I did a benefit for him like a couple years ago. He's great. He's cool, and I they were a bad. They were terrible crowd And I was struggling to be listened to at one point lady wouldn't stop talking I go lady

Shut the hell up, and I just saw Mack and go Yeah, and I was like all right. That's a that's a cool dude Was Dolan there the was I talked to him. Yeah. Oh, He said you better be funny, I said I'll try. Oh jeez, I hate that you better be funny. But it's Dolan. He was very nice. And then Dan Arull from Run DMC. Whoa, shit. It's weird when you talk to someone like that because you have to pretend... Obviously I know who he is, but you don't want to... What do you do in a conversation? So he's like, you're from New York I was like yeah yeah how about you and I'm

like I know he's right DMC yeah always from Queens Wow yeah legendary who is this Oh Ben Stiller Victor Cruz Heather McMahon over there Mackenroe Steve Sharippa and Ben still a very cool guy Nick's fan hell yeah what was this in support of its garden of dreams? This is their foundation. It's like it for who young kids and yeah, it's it's a good charity I've heard about this shit forever Hey, oh dude Luis Guzman was the coolest dude ever he hung with us like all night He really yeah, he's got a weed company in Vermont. He's got a big place in Vermont.

And he gave me his, he's like, take my number. He's like, put my number in your phone. I was like, picking up Luis Guzman. That's awesome. Your girlfriend's like, any women hit on you? I'm like, Luis Guzman. Hit on me. No, so yeah, Chris and I went late.

We drank pretty late and had a nice one. Oh, great. Yeah, he loved Chris. and had a nice one. Oh great. Yeah, he loved Chris, he was talking to Chris all night too. Fun gig, man, crazy. When you think of Luis Guzman, what do you think of immediately? What role? Roggey Knights probably.

Yeah, yeah, he was also great in anger management. Oh, he was great in that movie. Weird pool. And McEnroe. Oh, that's right, that's right, yeah. But yeah, I also think of, yeah, McEnroe was really cool. right that's right yeah but yeah he I also think of yeah McEnroe was really cool he he uh he's a Queens guy. He is yeah. I think he went to Dalton I thought he was Upper East Side guy I know he went to Dalton but he'd

be Dalton go to Queens or from Queens. He um he yeah what we talk oh yeah Louis Guzman was telling stories about just smoking blunts. He said, like, he was telling me, he's like, the guy at my own weed company, I was like, oh yeah, what's it called? He's like, Get Nice. I was like, I was asking, like, where does that come from? He goes, on the set of Boogie Nights. And I was like, oh, it's one of my favorite movies.

They always ignore that when you give the compliment. You know, because I'm like, oh, so I just, at a habit, it's like, if it's on TV, that's a movie you finish. You know, and it's a long movie. Yeah. But he's like, yeah,'s on TV, that's a movie you finish. Sure, sure. And it's a long movie. Yeah. But he's like, yeah, we would all be smoking blunts, like me, the whole crew.

Everyone would be getting high, and then I'd get on set, and Paul Thomas Anderson would be like, are you high? He's like, nah, nah, I'm just getting nice. Yeah, that's good. I'm like, that's the company. It's hilarious, you're just doing drugs, and you're like, no, I'm good. Yeah. Things are good. Pull up some photos of Gooseman

in the Lower East Side in the 70s, there's some amazing, cause I follow Retro New York on Instagram and there's some great ones of Guzman, just like Avenue B holding a knife for some reason. Yeah. Oh, and he was just a bad, I mean, it might be hard to find. He was so cool, man.

And then, yeah, I was just watching the Limey the other day and he's awesome in that movie. Oh, there's one.. I mean look at that. That's fucking New York City. Who knows what year that is. I mean he is the real deal He's been great for a long time I feel like you know what's funny de Stefano is talking to him and he goes you know my girlfriend is Puerto Rican and on my sitcom we were trying to get like it got canceled, but we wanted you to play Her dad and he goes would never do it and then just kept talking about something else Oh, he didn't mean it disrespectfully. He's like, no, I only do like good stuff is how he But Chris lost a laugh and you know, it's like cuz he was so he didn't mean it disrespectfully, but it's just such a hilarious

He's like I don't do sitcoms. I do like he does like if you look at his body of work. It's like cool shit Yeah, yeah, totally Wow that's incredible what a gang of guys, and it's been a great week for comedy in New York because uh I Went to the Patrice O'Neill benefit party. Oh cool It's just a tape Rachel was tipsy when Rachel's drunk. It's fun as shit fun, and it's like burr Keith It's fun as shit fun, and it's like burr Keith Everybody's there fucking club soda Kenny is there. We're all howling laughing. They're all making fun of Ridge Voss Gaffigan doing an impression here something yeah sure cat Williams That's killer. Oh yeah. Yeah, oh great. And you know burr when burrs in town. It's very exciting It's's just been a great, we went to a Knicks game.

We hit a Knicks game, we saw Dante DiVincenzo score 11-3s. What a fucking game to be at. Burr told me he saw us on TV. No way! I was just watching the game and I was like, oh, there they fucking are. And they just saw us going like this behind the bench. Oh, that's great.

Because you, Mark, could not believe our coach Tibbs is like, if you don't know him, he's like a psycho, but in the best way. That's why the team is so good. They're so disciplined because he's just like a military guy You know yeah, and they're up 30 against Detroit is they have it Detroit's got a pretty bad team out there and their star players hurt Yeah, he's yelling at him every play like what the fuck it was one marks like why is he still yelling? I was getting triggered because I was like it felt like your friend's dad, like, got to bed, you fucking kids, you know, I got to sleep over.

And he was so angry, he never gave a smile, nothing. Not a smirk. He'll occasionally smirk. Okay. Look up Jalen Brunson, Tom Thibodeau, Fist Bump. That's like, it was like one moment last year where he finally gave half a smile. But it means a lot when you get half a smile. That's true. It's like the guy last year where he finally like gave half a smile, but it means a lot when you get a smile

That's true. It's like the guy who never laughs. Yes, remember William Stevenson the comment Yeah, the most miserable guy ever never left his soul, but when you got that guy to laugh it It met the world good. Yeah, look at this tip it. Oh, no look up the video of the fist bump. Yeah It's like 10 seconds. It's probably why the team's so good though. You gotta admit, it's like Singapore. No one's fucking committing a crime in Singapore because they'll flog your ass. There you go. It's the same with Tibbadoe.

This is it, look at this. Look at this little smile it gives. G. Gee. It's the most subtle thing on the planet. But it was a big moment. Yeah. But then he does, he loves Brunson.

He loves the team, clearly. It's just how he is. He's an unmarried coach who just like, I think one woman wanted to marry him and he was just like, no, I'm only in the basketball. I just watch footage. He's that type of dude. Do you respect that, though?

I respect how committed he is to what he does. I think he's a, and he was also an assistant coach on the 90s Knicks where everyone talks about the grit. He was an assistant coach on like the Celtics team that won the championship. And I think he's like, he's known for being a defensive guru.

Like he's a badass for sure. But they did a poll recently in the NBA who's a coach you would least wanna play for and he finished first. Cause he'll play his guys like 45 minutes a game. And that's like, players are like, that's fucking hard, it hurts. Yeah. want to play for and he finished first. Cause he'll play as guys like 45 minutes a game. And that's like, players are like, that's fucking hard, it hurts.

Yeah. But the Knicks are just mostly guys who are like, yeah I'll do it. Yeah, it's a tough gang out there. They're real scrappy. They're so fucking scrappy, right? Yeah. And Josh Hart comes over and fist bumps

Chris DeStefano, I was like, that was pretty cool. That was cool. I'm out. I got a laugh from one of them on the gum. Was that Hart? Yeah, they have a little thing where they all the players come to like grab gum. They love mints and gum I don't know why Josh Hart's like before he goes in he's like grabbing watermelon gum and just like chewing or like spearmint gum They're just like grabbing and put in their mouth before they go out. I'm like you're playing with gum Yeah, they love gum But the worst part was first of all just grateful to be able to go to a game at the

height of this Knicks buzz, because I feel like they're really humming right now. And so we're lucky to get to see that live and be courtside. But we knew we were going to get on the jumbo, and it's a star-studded affair. It's Edie Falco, Tracy Morgan, Chris Rock, Cicely Strong, all these giant celebrities, and then us knuckleheads, and we're like, we gotta do something funny for when the camera's on us. We gotta kill this Jumbotron. We got three.

We put too much pressure on. There's not a lot you can do when you have to be clean. Yeah. And you've got like five seconds of just no audio. Like, how are you gonna be funny? So the gag we come up with for me, Norman and Chris, is like, let's pretend we're fighting, then turn to the camera and wave. Yeah.

Didn't translate very well. Didn't translate at all. Even the woman as she's like walking away was like, I thought you'd be funnier. Oh! And we were like, ah, shit. And then, yeah, we blew it. But it was tough.

It was tough. Well, she just, the camera's in your face, she goes, smile, smile. But we're thinking, well, we're not going to smile. We're going to fight. But you don cameras in your face She goes smile smile, but you're we're thinking well. We're not gonna smile We're gonna fight, but you don't know that so now we look like weirdos because we're fighting and then we're spotted We had one take and we blew it we blew it and then we're in the we're in the like eating area and Chris Rock walks by and he looks at he looks our table goes comedy. Yeah

my life highlight of my life of eating a bowl of ice cream. He says comedy. And then he walked by again and he goes, couple of killers. And then, yeah, I bet that we didn't say one word to each other. The king, yeah, we were like, let's leave this as it is.

Yeah, yeah. Let's not ruin, both of us were like, let's try to top it, no, we'll ruin it. Yeah. You gotta leave that moment, love, rock. I had a line loaded. I was gonna say, tell special tomorrow. That's your line?

This is like your jerk store. Yeah. You're gonna try to run into him again? Yeah, well it just takes it off us. It's about comedy, it's exciting. Dave Attell never has a special, it's exciting. But it's better than my Bill Burr P. Diddy mishap. So you take a shot at the king, you better hit him. Yeah, it wasn't a shot though.

It's just like if he walks over, I don't want to be like, how are you? Cold out, you know. Traffic was bad. I don't want to have that. I want to have something interesting. You're looking at your notes. You're like, P. Diddy's back in the news?

Right, right. Something about Nickelodeon? Exactly, exactly. That's what I've been opening with by the way in New York. I just walk up and I go, sorry I'm late, I was jerking off to the Nickelodeon doc. Murders every time. It also killed some childhoods. That was a different kind of slime. Nickelodeon man. It's bad. Do you hear what happened? Even the Rugrats came out and said they got touched. Tommy Pickles, he wouldn't be anywhere with it. Doug Funny, got funny touched.

Not so funny what happened to him. Yeah, there we go. Even the Hey Arnold kid. Ah, that's why they call him Skeeter. All right, skeet, skeet, skeet. So I interviewed Kenan Thompson today or he had some interview on some radio show and he was like, yeah, that was despicable

Supposed to be a safe space for kids. He's like they need to keep looking So I think there's more dirt. I think there's more dirt cuz I didn't know it sounds bad But I thought there was gonna be more like there was some bad shit, but I thought it was gonna be like this unloading of Epstein Harvey P. Diddy style conspiracy, but it was like one guy was weird with a kid. No, I think there was a few. There was a few guys. There were two pedos and one abusive boss.

That was basically the side. All right, abusive boss. It shouldn't be in the same sentence as pedos, right? Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying. That's like when they tried to cancel Shane, and it was like, people who have been canceled this year, Bill Cosby, Harvey Weinstein, and Shane Gillis.

One of these is not like the others. Right, right, exactly. Yeah. So, but yeah, great week. What a week in New York, and now we're here, we're back doing the pun. How about that Pete Diddy shit though? It is pretty crazy, right? I don't know a ton about it, but they him. I don't know they had Lou he fled He they don't have him you mean physically have him. Yes in custody or no. I don't know I know I think he flew to an island Where there's no usually a safe haven for bad people. Yeah, well this island has no jurisdiction

What's the word tradition extrad, like so there's no legality where he's allowed to be there. So it's a smart island to pick. It's weird like, if you're an accomplice, obviously you get in trouble, but if you just fly him to the island, do you get in trouble? Like clearly he's on the run.

The weird move is his drug mule. Are you aware of this guy? Who? Drug mule. Yeah, he's got a drug, you know you're a bad person when you don't just have a dealer, you have a mule? Right. That's like a big deal to have a mule yeah he's got a drug you know you're a bad person when you don't just have a dealer you have a mule yeah that's like a big deal to have a mule right yeah a little offensive to mules users like hey I carry shit on my back up a mountain now I'm an asshole this guy just took stuff off his ass

crazy mules like what do I ever do with putting heroin up your ass and this is a white guy who played in the NCAA. What a fall from grace. Not exactly a Cinderella story there. Guy keeps trying. Take it to the hole. There we go. Alright.

That's a weird one. And he's like, I mean, I was talking to someone the other day and she told me she's been to his parties. Really? I've been to some of his parties I'm like how was it she's like I mean you see some shit and I'm like not like that she's like no not like that but what they you know a lot of famous people are there obviously and and I would go I mean who would turn down a P-Diddy party? I mean look if I didn't know about Epstein I probably would have gone to Epstein's like look of course we had Lewis Black in here talking about it

and and I was like oh a crazy dinner with a bunch of interesting weirdos I'll about Epstein, I probably would have gone to Epstein's. Like, look, we had Louis Black in here talking about it, and it was like, oh, a crazy dinner with a bunch of interesting weirdos? I'll do it. Yeah, and I guess you gotta change, uh oh. This is Cat Williams talking about P. Diddy parties. Okay. That was my only goal.

I didn't want to get with a white woman because I was scared she might have me running down the street like Jonathan Mages. The truth of the matter. So I stayed away from that. Now I've had to turn down 50 million dollars four times. Four times. Just to protect my integrity and that virgin hole I was telling you about. Right. Because P. Diddy be wanting to party. And you gotta tell him no. Because P. Diddy be wanting a body. And you gotta tell him no. You gotta tell him no.

Wow, I mean, this is like Nostradamus here. Yeah. I mean, no, people said this about P. Diddy that like he definitely, from what I've heard from people, have just told me they're like, yeah, he would like sexually humiliate guys. Mmm. And, you know. I heard he would pay male prostitutes to fuck his girlfriends. Yeah, which my wife would love I'm sure but he'd pay men to sexually humiliate them by forcing him onto their track and

He would uh, no money moe Adel No, he would uh and he would make women is what they'd say. We can't get in trouble for speculating Can we yeah, he would make women is what they'd say. We can't get in trouble for speculating. Can we? Yeah, he would pay allegedly Allegedly let's call this episode a and He would like have these women these sex workers just he'd be like you have sex with him You have sex with this person you do that and it's like If you're one of these parties first off like that's horrible that's happening, but also like say no

You could be like no, I'm here to people watch, not to fuck random holes. Yeah. You don't have to just do it. I don't know, maybe there's some coaxing and. No, maybe you're right, maybe there's intimidation. Yes, that's the word I'm looking for. And blackmail, apparently he's got cameras in every room.

So he has you doing a compromising thing, now you have- You better hope you're having a good dick day when those cameras are on. When you're peeing you're like, fuck, I'm having a bad dick day. They got me at my lowest. Right, don't give me that wide lens. Keep it there. They're zooming in, they're like, still nothing here. What the hell?

Now does he change his name? Because he went from Puff Daddy to Puffy to P Diddy to Diddy. To probably Diddy. And then eventually inmate 50601. Did he do it? He goes by Love now. Love? Yes, that's his new...

That's a good move. Yeah. Yeah, he changed it up. Interesting. A little confusing in the tennis game. Yeah, apparently Kanye is going by Jews are okay. Everyone's changing it up. Just the game. Yeah, apparently Kanye's going by Juzer OK. Everyone's changing it up. Just the opposite.

Yeah. But Love is, you know. That's really what he's going by, Love? Rappers really change their name a lot. He's a 90s rapper, too. It's really amazing that, like, I mean, I feel like even if it wasn't, you know, when you come up in the 90s, it was so much homophobia in rap.

Yeah. It still is. But like, maybe not as much as rap, but you check those fucking comments section. Oh yeah. It gets fucking heated. And then, you know, obviously the violence of the 90s was like crazy. I feel like it's just not like, now rappers are more in their feelings, I feel like. Oh yeah, Drake is all feelings and all that. J. Cole. It's a lot about heartbreak and all that but yeah, you're right It's it's really gone from homophobic to like gay Renaissance

You know we're having like Nas X little Nas X and then the P. Diddy stuff and it's not the same as gay This is like trafficking shit Meek Mill. But yeah, yeah, so he's not gay is he I think he was there There's a there's a audio tape going around right now of allegedly Huff Daddy having sex with Meek Mill really there's an audio tape. It's pretty wild if you want to hear it Remember those on rap albums when they were just be like skits. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah Yeah, between the songs you're like who are these four? It's like this cuz I'm gonna fucking kill you then all of a sudden They're doing like an in living color thing Remember that shit yeah, I remember that like Eminem and beyond like anything yes sipping on jizz and juice

alright He heard somebody had a great tweet that he said uh y'all don't respect a black man in America I'm moving to Ghana and one guy wrote. He's gonna suck a bunch of dick over there black men in America moving to Ghana and one guy wrote he's gonna suck a bunch of dick over there Give her who tweeted that's pretty funny. I lost it. Oh poor meek Yeah It's funny Why it's them having hardcore sex

Let's play it okay. We get in trouble for this hardcore sex. Well, let's play it. Let's play it. Okay, stand by. Can we get in trouble for this? No. All right, go for it. It's weird how we can play this but not the Bee Gees.

What a system we've created. Okay, I think this is it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh This is reaching this sounds more like Serena Williams serving How is this what proof is there that this is no internet that was true? Oh? Get out of here a little too easy to yeah do this shit Deep fake look how sadly good looks after that. He's so disappointed in me. Can the audience see Elliot Gould just so they get these jokes? OK, OK.

Dude. Yeah, this is weird. I mean. Yeah, I don't know. I don't love all of it because it's like Nickelodeon, Pete Diddy, sex trafficking. It's like we crave all this dark shit. I don't know why. Like you make a trans joke or a black joke and you're public enemy number one.

But then like we're like, give me true crime. Give me pedophilia. Oh, Michael Jackson doc. Oh, bring it on. This is so exciting. Epstein. Oh, baby. I'm like, this is the bad shit we should be not watching. Homeland Security is fucking at his, two of his places, that's a big deal. Of course, they arrested his kids. I mean this is, it's funny that you see that his neighbor is Ridley Scott.

It's funny that there's all these sex parties going on and he's just like probably reading a Napoleon book. He's like, I gotta get this, I gotta nail this here. Yeah, I mean, I don't know man. Yeah, look, it's America, it's innocent until proven guilty, but it looks bad. Yeah. We could say that, I guess.

I just don't, I don't subscribe. Like, I haven't seen, I've never saw the Michael Jackson. I'm a Patreon for this stuff. Yeah. I never saw the Michael Jackson, I didn't watch the Nickelodeon. I watched the Michael Jackson one out of curiosity Just because he was such an icon. Mm-hmm. Sure. It was a weird thing with Michael or like look

Did he do that? I don't know Did he do something inappropriate? Probably and it's like we are like when it comes to Michael It's like there's this weird thing where it's like we feel almost maybe complicit That's why we can't because we love his music so fucking much. Sure. I don't know anyone who doesn't love Michael Jackson. Well, it still plays out here at a Target and shit. Sure. It's still around.

That's my point. Where like R. Kelly, you don't really hear as much. Yeah. Michael, you fucking, maybe, you know, maybe depends where you are, but. And he's older, so I feel like it's in the zeitgeist. It's in the tapestry of America whereas R. Kelly's more Current maybe R. Kelly it'll like come back in like 30 years and kids will be like this guy's really good

I bet you're right. We should look who yeah did what all right? That's how you find out about shit, right? Yeah Yeah, I mean fucking a Elvis married a literally just going Elvis That's what my mom really Lewis all these guys Charlie Chaplin was fucking a 14 year old So it was Led Zeppelin, but he did it silently True yeah good point good point. I thought it was Robert Plant right Robert Plant. Yeah zeppelin yeah, so speaking about Nostradamus here's cat Williams on Michael Jackson all right clean that underwear drawer before the hot weather hits Jackson. All right. Clean that underwear drawer before the hot weather hits. Make the switch to sheath and stay fresh and sweat free all season long. Sheath underwear is unlike anything else. It comes with two pouches. Put your dick in

the one and your balls in the other. Keeps everything separated so things don't get stuck together and turn into a sweaty mess. I haven't checked but I bet you I'm wearing... Let me see. Yep Yep I am wearing sheath. Look at that. Hey! I bet I'm wearing it too. Let's see. Oh yeah! Always wearing sheath. I don't know where, there it is. Yeah. There's your logo. With an added bonus of making your package look awesome you truly can't go wrong. You can even build your own underwear bundle on the website to make sure you have a pair for every day of the week. Go to sheathunderwear.com and use code drunk to get 20% off your first order.

Plus sheathunderwear's 100% money back guarantee that sheathunderwear.com. Promo code drunk at sheathunderwear. Support the show, support your balls. And I gotta tell ya, I wear them every day, I love them. And I really do and I get props from the lady when I wear them. Yes. Gets her in the mood, I get a little, you know, get a props from the lady when I wear them. Yes.

Gets her in the mood, I get a little bump from it, gives you a little help. Bulge and then the lady, they make lady stuff too that looks good. So get on it. Sheath. Sheath. Fuck Michael, he spent his whole life trying to be a white woman his whole motherfucking life. Then as soon as a nigga get in trouble now he's gonna be surrounded by Muslims and shit

Michael you ain't no motherfucking Muslim you can't even be a Muslim you got a white woman park face How you gonna be a Muslim half your face is Park Michael Fuck Michael gonna get on TV and lie to us and tell us shit don't make no fucking sense This nigga climbing up in trees and shit talking about don't You climb trees no motherfucker. We got bills and shit Michael telling niggas that don't pay good money for him telling us shit It don't make no goddamn sense talking about he put his nigga dick in a white woman He came out with two babies that ain't mixed.

Who the fuck do you think you talkin' to, nigga? I'm a grown motherfuckin' man. You put a nigga dick in a white woman and got two blonde blue eyed babies? Nigga, fuck you. Fuck you. One of them babies name is Blanket. You can't name no nigga baby Blanket.

You can't name a nigga baby nothin' soft. Now Blanket will comfort none of that shit. Oh, boy. He's sending a writer to me. We know what the fuck Michael doing. We been knowing how Michael was. If you don't believe me, tell me when was the last time Michael was in a relationship that you believed.

Don't worry, I ain't. I ain't always killed. When was the last time you was like, Michael is fucking the shit out of that bitch? Not never. Don't worry, I'll wait. I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll wait, I'll I'm a western. He's my favorite. Have you seen this special? No, no, no. I'm gonna watch the whole thing. He never stops talking, he never stops moving. It's amazing. I like him. I got a western.

Michael can't fucking lie to me. I'm a grown motherfucking man. I love bitches, that's my shit. I love bitches. So if you go to my house, there's certain shit at my house that ain't for me. It's for bitches. I got a regular bed with regular pillows and I got two pillows with a silk cover on it. That's not for me, that's the case bitches wanna come over there and they don't feel like rapping

they goddamn hell. They ain't gotta fuck up they perms. Fuck up little nigga. Cause I love bitches, that's my shit. If you go to my house, there's Alize in my house. I don't drink no motherfucking Alize, but bitches do. And when they come over there, I want them to feel comfortable. Now what the fuck would Michael need in his house

if he was trying to make little boys feel comfortable? I don't know, a goddamn amusement park, some motherfuckin' animals, some... That's killer. Killer. Smart shit. That is a nice turn right there. He kind of knew his head in there But the way he built that that was that was pretty fucking good That's what I love about comedy and I'm a fucking nerd and I'm gonna go into it. But this is a guy

This is some black dude from Atlanta. I Don't think it's from Atlanta. Is that right? I think it's Atlanta. I might have been Florida. Maybe you're right Maybe he grew up in Florida. No, he grew up in Florida. I think he's Atlanta. He might have been Florida. Maybe you're right. I think he grew up in Florida. No, he grew up in Florida. I think he came up in Atlanta as a comic. I think so. Either way.

But- Can we get him on here? Do you think Cat would come on? I think he's too hard to get. Cincinnati, Ohio. Jesus. But he came up in Florida, didn't he? I think he might have been a street performer for a minute.

He was a street guy for a while. I mean, he was like, he ran away from home young, I think. Yeah, yeah. He's a brilliant guy, blah, blah, blah, down to it. I'm a fan, yeah. I think he's really funny. So funny, so cool. I never make it through a full long interview

and I listen to his whole Shannon Sharp one and it sure as hell wasn't for Shannon Sharp. Yeah, yeah. He's a smart dude, but whatever. My point is, he's a guy up there, being hilarious, wearing a green fucking velvet suit with a crazy perm coming out this way and a little mustache and all this jewelry

and a giant belt buckle. But that structure, there's so much structure in his act, like the alize to build it up with the silk pillows and then to turn it with the amusement. That is comedy, baby, that's stand up, it's a craft. Well, I think it's almost like those people who take their outfit that seriously usually don't have that kind of attention to the craft.

Yeah, yeah, true. And so you're like, oh cool, you did everything. Yes, yes, but I equate it to boxing or UFC where you're like, these are two guys slugging it out and getting punched in the face and hitting with elbows and knees to the fucking ribs and all That it just looks like two Neanderthals go, but there's so much technique and fundamentals and training involved and they know what they're doing and there's all this jiu-jitsu and Muay Thai that's why I love it because it's it looks like this silly goofball guy just being funny but there's there's so much technique. I love it. Hidden in it.

I love it man. No it's uh it's cool. I'm doing I'm in the weird stretch now. I had a new bit hit. I have such a low self-esteem right now when I have a new bit hit because I'm starting from scratch. Yeah, then I'm like, I bet someone has it Anytime I say like a weird historic like I did a Han dynasty I'd say that as part of the joke was like When people make fun of people who don't have kids being like you you won't have you won't have a legacy Someone said that to me one of a legacy and I was like you're a Long Island realtor. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, but let's calm down. This isn't the Han dynasty

Oh, that's funny need an air to rip someone off on studio apartments You know what I mean, so that was the angle and it was like there's more It's a longer bit, but he was like I said Han Dynasty I just kind of said that off the cuff while I was working it out And I was like fuck I said Han Dynasty that Quinn is always doing like history stuff Yeah, and they were like not it's not my bit you pulled Han Dynasty out of thin air. What was the thing in Dynasty? That's a great reference. But then, now I have all these new, are you working on new shit?

I got a ton of new ideas. Let's fucking try some. I mean, I'm talking. Bad? No, just half-baked. I got some turds. Raw premises. All right, I mean I got a nice new sheet

of like bullshit ideas here that I haven't worked out yeah well I cheated on the last show cuz I that Clorox thing I've been I've been I wrote that yesterday yeah Clorox on the tits I oh wait this is out of order out of order so whatever try it on us all right all right so well I was just thinking about how women get objectified and sexualized and all that which sucks to be a woman but men need to tone tone down the creepiness with the catcalling and all that, but I think women could tone it up. Because men, we get no love.

They get too much love, we get no love, so let's even it out a little bit. Because I was at a pool party once when I was a kid and my balls popped out, and I mean a woman puked in the pool, an old lady fainted, a kid started crying and I'm like if men talked about tits the way women talk about balls, you guys would all kill yourselves. Balls are gross, balls are this, balls are disgusting, nobody likes balls and I get it they're gross but the point is we could use a little love. Like a tit pops out, we have a parade, I text you, I'm texting my dad, hey, we haven't talked in 10 years,

but there's a tit on third street, you gotta go see it, you know, whatever. So the point of the joke is we need to bring that down and bring this up, and then I thought, you know, we all love cleavage, and I got the other thing. I think instead of ball. It should be dick You think dick because balls are kind of gross. They are pretty good is like the actual balls are just like

tits are more pretty I mean Ball cleavage does nothing Yeah, no one's like no one is enticed by but like women do like dick, but they still won't get excited if a dick came out No, I think their dick works better.. No, they'd be scared. I think dick works better. All right, maybe I'll go dick. I think women like a dick print in sweats. Do they?

I think so. They do like that. They do. The gray sweatpants is a big thing. Okay, so that's basically the meat of it. And then I talk about OnlyFans. Ladies, you can do OnlyFans. So yes, you can objectify it, but you can use it to your advantage and make money.

Whereas if I put my balls and dick on OnlyFans, I would get deplatform, shadow banned, and I wouldn't be able to go to Thanksgiving. My dad would be like, my coworker saw your sack online, don't come over, you're not welcome here, we changed the locks, whatever. I think it's funny that you're like, unattractive women are making a lot of money on knowing. Oh, yes

I think be funny if you're like if I put my dick on on the internet People would be like I even people who don't like what I do would be like I'd prefer your comedy Something like that that's good I like that angle a lot of like the only fans like Because you are taking a negative and making it positive right silver lining. Yeah, I like that's good because Women are like I want you to like my singing or my talent, but you only like my tits Yeah, men are like I want you to like my dick a little bit more and like we want to be objectified Yes, we want to be objectified.

Because we objectify. Yes, yes. It sucks. It should be a little bit more of a middle ground. Men objectify too much to the point that like, I mean like, think about some of the shit you jack off to. You're just like, the second you're done, you're like, what was I thinking?

That was horrible. 100%. Not the pedo stuff. Well, my cousin. Yeah, cousin is the worst one. I always remember that Attell joke when he goes, I think weed should be legal, I do. And everyone cheers, he goes,

and I think if you really want to, you should be allowed to fuck a third cousin. And they all go, alright, I took it too far. Yeah, yeah. My favorite thing about Attell's special is he kills, he gets some big laugh and this guy stands up and he's like applauding like crazy and Attell fist pumps him and he goes, get tested. This is an extra joke on top of the fist pump. I mean the guy got a joke in every fucking nook and cranny. His new special is so good and the fact that Attell will zing you on the way to zinging you.

Yes! Like, I remember I was on stage with him once, before he even insulted me, the first time was, Sam, you're a vampire, what do you think about, like, so he's like insulting me on the way to insulting me. I was like dying, I was like, god damn, he's. Did I tell you what, you know Lev Furr? Yeah, yeah. You know, funny guy, big comedian, big dude.

Typically. Yes, he got passed in the cellar, you know, good for him, funny guy, but he's in the doorway and it tell goes So love you do any drugs and love goes yeah like some coke some molly and he goes mmm everything but Ozambique Oh everybody laughs the whole fucking roof game I mean he's quick and the word conservation is conservation is so impressive with him. Of course. The one that they showed online from the special was, I got hit by a bike, it's my fault. I was on the sidewalk.

It's a great bit. Most comments would be like, New York's getting rough, it's getting tough out there, you know, like set up a joke. You don't have to do all that. Just cut, cut, cut that. Yeah, but that's also why his special is shorter than most specials. True. Good point.

You know, it's like with the short special, I'm like, okay, but you can watch an hour and ten minutes special with less punch lines. Good point. He's banging it out. So then the only part of the joke that works, but I like your OnlyFans thing, that's a good, I'll just say this is, advertisers should buy cleavage

space for, cause I got the other day, I got the, hey, I'm up here from a lady, and I'm like, well, your cleavage is day, I got the, hey, I'm up here from a lady. Oh, yeah. And I'm like, well, your cleavage is out. I'm sorry, whatever. But that should be advertising by Clorox. Then men would be buying Clorox, going home and doing laundry. The wives are like, look at you, Chip.

And then he's like, I had to do a load. And that kills. So that's the only part that's working. But I think that'll help. All right. What do you got? Did I do the stepdad one? Did I run that yet or no? I haven't heard it.

I can't remember what I fucking never do on this podcast and then I know I repeated once and there's nothing more shameful than doing the same fucking half-ass shit joke twice. I'll know it if I hear it. So I had one about, I've a joke defending stepparents. I had a guy be like, oh, my stepdad. And I'm like, yeah, that wasn't his plan A, believe it or not. That's not anyone's blueprint. No one's like, someday I'll raise the kid of the guy who came in the person I love.

That'll be fun for me. And no strings attached. So that's the first part. Then I have a whole thing about like, like parenting and how like, you know, I had a joke on Instagram that got shared around a lot. It was just joking how I don't have kids and all the comments were like, you know, I had a joke on Instagram that got shared around a lot. It was just joking how I don't have kids and all the comments were like,

fuck you, enjoy dying alone. I'm like, yeah, just cause you have kids doesn't mean you're not gonna die alone. You're fucking, what do you, like best case scenario is you're on a deathbed surrounded by family. They're on their phone. They're not paying attention to you die. You know, the grandkids like, fuck, We're still here. He's texting his friends

It's been ten days. He won't fucking die And then you finally do die and the grandkids like all right p grandpa I loved you so much it doesn't get any like so he pulls it that's your legacy Pull the plug on the post you pull the plug on the post yeah, nothing lives of you That's is that too dark and then we something too, but the you're more upset when the phone dies next grandfather That's my actually my old bit remember. Oh, okay. That's on him back in the day. Oh oriental I dropped my phone in the toilet. I'd rather lose a loved one. Oh, yeah, not my mom or dad my own uncle No question. My grandpa was 89. The phone was brand new

My grandpa was 89 the phone was brand new Yeah, the joke was the big punch of that was like wouldn't be cool is how old the joke is It'd be cool when your grandpa died if you got an upgrade like a better old dude doesn't say the n-word anymore I'm like they still say oriental we couldn't fix everything The grandpa five not the grandpa five s How old that fucking joke is? That was like a Conan 2015. That's wild. Got oriental onto Conan though.

Well, TBS, they let you get away with that shit. Yeah, so the parents stuff, it's funny. It's like you put out enough specials, you start writing your own shit again. I know, I know. You're stealing from yourself. Yeah, same. You gotta find new ways.

There's only so many things. I think the stepdad is a... There's more there. That's a lot there. I had a thing I think the stepdad is a- There's more there. That's a lot there. I had a thing I tried the other night that got something, but it might be, so I say, you know, there's no good PR for stepdads,

but it's like a thankless job, kinda, you know? Yeah, yeah. So, you know, I had a good stepdad, bad biological dad, I remember, you know, but you fight with your stepdad, so I remember we were fighting once, we were yelling at each other. He was trying, he was like grounding me, and I said, you're not my real dad. He goes you're right. I'm here and

I've quoted that to like five people. You told me that story. I've quoted that Yeah, like that. Yeah, I love that. When do you hear that maybe here you said it here once. Oh, I did I love it Yeah, I'm glad I heard a great line. Yeah, I really just repeat another fucking joke. No. No you just said that part Just the end. You just said that part. God, I hate myself. I think there's- Drink on a podcast, you forget. Of course. I think there's something with, I don't know if I said this before,

so now I'm worried I'm repeating, but I think there could be something with dads are firemen, stepdads are volunteer firemen. Ooh, I love that. Because volunteer firemen are actually more heroic because they're not even getting paid and they're saving lives and know what we always have fire we love there's no calendar for the volunteer Peter you play the same clip after the clip just put it I say this together

yeah just put that I'm saying that and I'm saying that just put them together I think so I don't retain I don't retain any of this shit well do I think there's something there because volunteer fire fucking can you remind me that after this I think you're right I? Like them I'm gonna play with that tonight That's good shit Let me try different. It's brilliant. You came up with the twice. I just repeat Okay You're the sober one

So you you should know and you watch all this fucking footage. Oh, you could say you So you should know and you watch all this fucking footage. Also you could say you unplug grandpa to plug in your iPhone. Oh yeah that's something, that's true. Yeah I like that angle, volunteer firefighter. I'm writing it down because I don't trust you motherfuckers. Save it for next week. Yeah no volunteer fireman gets no love. You know no one ever goes, you're not my real fireman. You're a volunteer fireman.

I'm here. You show up for the fire and they're like, you're not the real one though. Yeah. But I'm here motherfucker and I got a hose. They're like tits. Tits, yeah. You're not real tits.

Yeah, step dads are like tits. Just because they're not real doesn't mean they're not cool. There you go. Yeah, there you go I'll just on both. I Took it too far third cousin All right, I got I got a couple more. All right, this is good. We're getting some work done here God damn it. Let me write down dick instead of balls. See, this is me at my job.

Dick not balls. Balls are just funnier to me than dicks and grosser, but... What was that Colin Quinn thing about, uh, don't use the straws? Yeah, they put their balls on the straws. Don't use the straws. Yeah. Use the... Don't use the popcorn. They piss on the popcorn. Oh't use the straws yeah don't use the popcorn they piss on the popcorn oh yeah the problem is your relatives great joke man CQ is the fucking king I love I love his joke in a New York story it's on

Netflix you know it's uh I've rewatched that recently and how he has a whole thing about you used to ask for directions and they went not only would they they give you the directions but the ritual was they had to shame you and how he has the whole thing about, you used to ask for directions, and they wouldn't, not only would they, they'd give you the directions, but the ritual was they had to shame you first. So they'd be like, where are you trying to get? And they're like. And they turn to another guy, he's trying to get here.

They don't laugh at you. It's so true. Before smartphones, you'd just be like, where do I go? And people would laugh at you. Yeah, that's true. So fuck it, such such a he is a master Observational comic he is the master of like social interaction. Yeah, he's so good with all that shit Yeah, he's king the king the king love him

Hey, David tell you uh you and Colin Quinn. He's like what stagnant that was killer Okay, all right this could be this could be something So like every relationship my wife hates one of my friends You know every every guy has had a girlfriend or a wife who hates a friend. We've all been there sure so My friend is like I want your wife to like me and I like him and he likes me So I'm like I want you guys to like each other too He's like what do I got to do and I'm like he's like what do I got to do to get your wife to like me, and I like him, and he likes me, so I'm like, I want you guys to like each other too. He's like, what do I gotta do? And I'm like, he's like, what do I gotta do

to get your wife to not hate me? And I'm like, you're asking the wrong guy. Because I think she hates me too. You know, that hits. But then I wanna do a whole thing where I'm like, all right, here's what you do, you gotta get her, she loves Italian food, get her some red wine, get her some flour, take her out.

So now he's taking out my wife, and I'm encouraging it. And then you take it to the next step, you play with her clit. You go down on her, you work the vagina, then you're like, fuck, this guy's fucking my wife. Yeah, and I got other people call me like, dude, I saw your wife out to dinner with some dude. I'm like, was it going well?

Was it good? Was she having fun? It's good. Yeah, she looks like she had fun. Oh great, oh great. So that could be a whole thing. Does that hit, that's funny. Yeah, she looks like she's having fun. Oh great, oh great! So that could be a whole thing. Does that hit? That's funny.

Yeah, that part does okay, but it's still, I don't know where to go with it. But I like that you take it to a silly place. I think those types of jokes just have to keep going. Yes, yes. I think it's gotta end with him fucking your wife. I think that's where it's gonna end. And instead of getting mad, you're like, how was it? Yeah, details!

Details, yeah. All right, all right, that's a true story. Who is it? I'll tell you later, but But I think they're there he's making progress and uh, why did she hate him? She just thought he was like a like a shitty guy like a scummy guy and I'm really now. He's not a scummy guy Really? No, he's not a scummy guy. Ari? I'm kidding. Love you Ari. Who was it? I'll tell you later. I don't want to get it out in the open, but

they're cool now. So we figured it out. We did it together. But I was like, it took- That's like annoying though that you're like, you don't have enough problems, now you're like, you're trying to solve his problem? Exactly. And he's like, he lives in another town, so she was going to that town just randomly, and he's like, he lives in another town. So she was going to that town just randomly

and he's like, what do I do? And I was like, you gotta do this, this, she'll love this. If you do, get her tickets to this and so on. He's buying her tickets and shit. Oh my God. And he won her over, but it was so funny because I was like trying to hook up my friend with my wife and it's just, I was like thinking about it.

Like this is gold, this is comedy. That is fucking hilarious. Damn, it's nice when something ridiculous have like I was I was dealing with a realtor recently and I was like thinking about moving and then Everything she said to me was like we're dating. It's like this is I'm not running a joke I'm just saying like but she would be like Sam come on Like work with me Sam and I'd be like this isn't couples counseling I don't have to do any I don't even have to talk to you anymore

but there was like Sam I'm Work with do something. Yeah. Yeah, I've surrounded myself with people with pushy people in my life. Yeah Yeah, yeah, I noticed you do do that. What is it? I think it's almost like an abusive thing like you know that the girl who keeps dating the Abuser like you you're doing it you keep going back to these guys, but it's my fault All right, yes, your great line the same women keep showing up. Oh, yeah, what's what is that again? I don't know. I just remember punchline. I can't remember my own shitty jokes over. Yeah, what what's your type? Oh, no depressed women. Do you like the press woman? No, but they keep showing up. It was something like yeah

No, but those not especially killed yeah, it's something whatever you got. It'll take our word for it It was a good joke at one time Joke seems to care really seems to care it Let me see what else God must have been so nice living back then just cuz yeah, he looks really happy well I'm just saying like there's a ham and cheese on the wall for 25 cents in my mind I'm like oh ham and cheese. I can't have the bread you know and The whiskey I shouldn't have too many glasses with like it just seemed like we didn't know how bad shit was for you Then like no one's fat. No one was fat, and you're smoking you didn't know smoking was bad younger though And they do you have a drinking podcast good point?

But but we but I'm just that we know how bad everything is so it kind of makes it less fun Because it takes away a little whenever I see the calories on the menu. I'm furious. I know me too Great peeve that's a great piece. She's a cheese cake factory. You're like 3,000 calories for an omelet? It's always something like, really? And then to add insult to injury you're on the fucking treadmill trying to do the right thing and you're like, let me see what I burned in 20 minutes baby. 18 calories? Fuck you treadmill!

What are you kidding me? That's like an olive at the cheesecake. You know what the peeve is? Knowing. Knowing! That's my peeve. You know what the peeve is knowing no That's my peeve. No awareness is a peeve Is bliss its bliss it really is knowing is a peeve Yeah, have you ever seen a bit have you ever seen an upset Down syndrome? I'm just saying and that was me cleaning that up That was him taking a potential sign for a bit and making it into one of ours you never see a down syndrome guy

like oh fuck oh what the hell don't do that act out on stage tonight show like what the fuck that was the election was read why the Oh, they're like what the fuck Why is the Italian for some reason is a Down syndrome greaser oh My god, I gotta send you one of these things I gotta say this shit Leave it in Going down on that one. That's all right. We'll just put a picture of Gillis right

Let me send you this Sal. Please check you can you Instagram better or text? All right, what are we doing? I just wanted to remind me of something I wanted to send. Oh, okay. This one might bomb, but I think it's pretty funny. Yeah, and then, fuck. What else, there's something else. Oh, I want another bit in a second.

Yeah, hand me one a bit. All right. Oh, I texted you. Put that on while I'm looking for one. That was the old fashioned text noise. Yeah. Oh God. Oh, hey, I love Brian. Oh

Start from the key stuff in the beginning. Yeah, Mary fresh it all in by the way those guys I want to give a shout out those guys have a podcast like Hitler just then what it was a joke I just said I felt like Hitler What nobody hears Jewish right uh gee I don't know are you Jewish Gordon? Oh, gee, I don't know. Are you Jewish, Gordon? Gee, I don't know, Jeremy, are you? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, That's fucking perfect. That's great. That's comedy Cut that out. I don't get on her bad side why wow just seems like a scary lady. You know runs, Hollywood Mm-hmm Seems like a scary lady. You know runs Hollywood mmm That's great. Oh by the Alex sulkin and the other guy. What a funny they have a podcast apparently that's gold Dan Bolger was raving about it. Oh, he's a funny dude. I just saw him at your show. Yeah, he's killer

He was ripped killer killer comic Dan Bolger in Boston Look, I'm trying. I'm going through all these phones. I hate most of my shit I'm going through all these phones. I hate most of my shit. I have all these fucking premises, buddy. They're not great. I only got one more, so throw one at me, I'll throw one at you. We'll call it a life. I got a few ideas. What's with the bunny suit? Oh, is that not today?

Oh, should that not today? Oh, should we be wearing that? Oh, okay. Well, it's too late now, but I'll do it. I'll do it for the photo. Yeah. Thumbnail. What's the point of that? Right. We've got a premise that doesn't have a punch line.

You do? Yeah. Oh, wow. Try this. That gentrification gets a bad rap, or whatever, it's whatever it is. It just needs rebranding. Like I think it should be called like manifesting. Like we manifested this neighborhood.

Ah yeah, the rebrand. Yeah. All right, premise no punchline, you should move to LA. Oh. All right. Yeah, all right, I see this up there. You need to rebrand. Yeah. Because that's also something that like, those bougie white people are there, and they're like, I manifested this to happen. So you manifested a whole neighborhood. Right. What if you change it from, we didn't gentrify, we transed.

We transed neighborhood. Transition. We already made a better transition Yeah, then you can't push back on it right. Oh you're transphobic The neighborhood is different. Yeah, don't deadname I said something like that to someone a woman in the crowd like you were at the tape and with a woman was like pretending To be British There that woman she's like her I was like anyone got a problem She was like yeah, my problem is my friend thinks she's British, but she's from Connecticut. And she was like, that is not true. But she really talked like that.

And I'm like, what the fuck? And I was like, that's the next thing after trans. It could be like, why identify as British? Oh, yeah, yeah. Isn't that appropriating a little? It is appropriating. It is, but I guess with another white group, you can get away with it.

That's what it is, yeah. So I got, let me try one. I tried this one on you. I don't like when people misuse expressions. Like I came across this thing of Bethany Frankel, you know, from The Real Housewives on Instagram, and she was in Emirates, first class, where you have like your own showers and fancy,

and she goes, I'm so humbled to get to live this way, and I'm like, I don't think you know what that word means. No! It's not, you're posting it because it's cool, not because you have humility. Like, if I fucked a movie, sir, that's cool, but it's not like I'd post a picture of us in bed. Like, it is with great humility that I share

that Sidney Sweeney has sucked me off. Ha ha ha ha, yeah, yeah, right. It's only because of my modesty that I can even tell you about this. And then there's something about like, no, like, humility is if you post a picture of you with a Legion on your lip, and you're like, who the fuck gave me herpes

That's an act of humility. Yes. Yeah, like a low point, you know, right? The first part hit pretty fucking hard. I don't know about the herpes part, but we'll play with it. No, no, that's great That's great. Like oh I fuck Sydney Sweeney. It made me realize how ugly I am That's what it's a funny line I went David tell on that one made me realize how ugly I am What about me he probably is gay well listen other voice in my head Fucking a tell bits I used to do drugs, but that was way over there. I love that damn. That's a great joke he had so many on that fucking album with the, Skank for the Memory is the best comedy album.

We talk about it too much probably on here, but. Well, Rachel put it really well. We were talking to Rachel the other night about it, and she said his jokes are so funny, but they're also interesting. He has interesting jokes, like Sea World is aquatic Auschwitz. That's interesting.

You're like, oh, yeah it's a you're you're kind of calling out the What do you call it mistreatment of animals with this joke relating it to the holocaust? I mean, it's it's it there's more there than just a joke. It's got some depth to it. You're right Yeah, he is Fucking great. Yeah, he's great. He has so many we were texting each other back and forth while watching that and also you know I love about Dave is like it's almost like a throwback type of comic where you really just need the audio I know I can just walk around listening to him because the voice is so good yeah

yeah and did you see when he walked through the crowd with the recorder so funny and he goes people yeah he's thinking people he's like whoo-hoo-hoo he goes oh some bald guy goes I didn't know Putin had a son it's just pure comedy you know you know when they uh they get the orange juice concentrate concentrated he's concentrated yeah there's no activism there's no message and no nothing it's just a guy in a skull cap and a jacket for some reason being hilarious yeah he just killed it. Yeah, all right, that's something there.

I might have another, but you go. Last one I got, and, because I think some of these I already did, but let's see, okay, this could be kinda hacky or maybe just shitty, but you know, I'm 40 now and I like beer, I grew up drinking beer my whole life. We'd buy a case of beer, kegs, collards, the whole thing and now I'm gluten intolerant. My doctor's like,

you're gluten intolerant, you can't have beer, I still do it but it... Yeah, I see. I drink beer with you sometimes. Yeah, it hurts and all that. I shit water and blah blah blah but it just sucks that you just hit a certain age and you're like, you're gluten intolerant and I'm like, damn, that sucks. But if I'm gonna be intolerant towards anything at 40, probably best it's gluten. You know, wouldn't that suck if your friend was like, hey, I'm having a dinner party.

I'm like, nah, I don't tolerate Muslims. I just can't tolerate them. It's just, and they're like, what the fuck? Where'd that come from? I'm like, oh, my doctor? Yeah, yeah, yeah, just comes with age, you know? I just got older, I realized. And then, so that kinda does okay.

I think it's a bigger act out if unless it's your friend, it's the doctor doing it. Wait, wait. The doctor's going, what the hell is this? He goes, jeez, you know. Oh. He's checking you out. That's good. He's like, the x-rays came back and you're like, how am I doing?

Filipino intolerant. Yes. He's like, yeah, very rare. Very rare, yeah, okay, that's good. I think that's closer, it's not quite it yet, but it's like, yeah, very rare. Very rare, yeah. Okay, that's good. I think that's close, but it's not quite it yet, but it's like... The doctor is better. It's just like, the friend thing is like, a person could actually say something that could. Yeah, good point.

Whereas a doctor would never say that. That's why it's funnier, I think. Good point. But it's still not there. It's like a doctor saying... And it doesn't have to be a race. Yeah. Right.

It could be. This camera up your ass tells me you can't tolerate gays. Yeah. Oh, that's not bad. You're like, really? It doesn't feel that bad. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And then I go, so I've switched to hard liquor to be healthier, which is silly, to switch to hard liquor for your health. Oh, I've done it, dude. And it's actually bad in other ways. That's the point. boy get ulcers. Yes Yes, but so then I'm like that's like saying and then I need a thing where it's like a hard liquor for your health That's like a beard a hard liquor, so you need like an analogy. Yeah, like I going from I stopped eating meat

Oh, what do you do for protein? I eat small children or something like that some kind of heightened thing that's actually way worse Yeah, that's like too. That's too silly. Too linear. It's like gotta be like What's another thing you could switch off for health? There's also peanut allergies. I'm trying to think of other things that could Affect you later in life dairy. I'm thinking like guns. Maybe two could be funny like I mean they're like a different type of Dairy. I'm thinking like guns maybe too, could be funny. Like a different type of self defense or something. What's another thing that could really backfire is what I'm thinking.

Yeah, yeah. Alcohol, guns. Yeah. Wait, what do you mean guns? Well I don't know, this isn't it, but I was thinking like I switched for protection from a handgun to like a Giant gun like a bazooka. Yeah, that's not it But I was thinking it's got to be like that because that's like that type of jump. Yeah beer to liquor is you know?

Soft to hard so it's got to be something maybe porn go from like that porn might be the angle orange not bad It's funny Stop going to strip clubs. Now now I just kill hookers. Strangle hookers, yeah. But hard liquor is worse, that's the thing. So it would have to be, I'm off porn, now only strip clubs for me. That's gotta be that jump.

Mm, oh, because it's live instead of video? Well, liquor is worse for you than beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're quitting, you're trying to be healthier by being less healthier. Yes. That's, so, yeah, like I think going in person is probably worse than doing it at home.

Yeah, good point, good point. Or now I just look in people's windows while they're fucking. That's better, that's a joke, we got it. All right, we got it, come on! Yeah. Come on, teamwork, writers' room. I'm done with strip clubs, now I look into people's windows while they're fucking.

Yeah, that's good, that's good. They have a ton of money yeah All right, and sometimes I have to run away. I'm getting exercise. Yes Yeah, and I'm trying to write I don't have any per I don't do a lot of personal material you guys are you and list you guys are so good with like This is happening in my life. I got a joke out of it I am not gonna that so hard to keep burning fucking hours, dude. I know. And I don't go, the list is more personal than I am,

but I'll have stories every hour. Like there'll be a couple stories, but that's more like to fill it out, to structure it out. Like I have to put, I think I put, my structure is always for every hour, a bunch of jokes, then one long story, then one short story, over. That's every hour, I think.

Wait, wait, say that again? Every hour is a bunch of jokes. Yep. Like up top. So that's like 35 minutes. Something like that. One long story, then one short story. I think every hour I've ever done.

Interesting. I think. Interesting you do two stories back to back. Well I think you have the one that's like the real, like this is my closer, but then you're like, this is like your little mini extra thing. Yeah. I almost hear you saying stuff like,

I have one short story and we'll get out of here. Like after your long story. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, breakfast time saying one short thing's coming up. That's smart because I think ending on a long story could take you out of a special. But the story not being the ending,

the long one, I think is smarter. Because you're in it. You'll never back out of it. And then the short one at the end. I think that's a good move. Mine is totally different. Mine is gay, 10 minutes of gay, eight minutes of gay,

eight minutes of women fucking, men and women, racial. Then I go into like social commentary, school shootings and stuff like that and then I end it. And you do a lot of you'll do like you'll get towards the end sometimes or in the middle-ish you'll do like a longer chunk. Yes, I have chunks. I got you I got a whole chunk on cultural appropriation. I got a whole chunk on white culture. That's your version of a story. I guess chunks. I got you. I got a whole chunk on cultural appropriation. I got a whole chunk on Why that's your version of a story? I guess so I mean you have to just have Parts were like if it's just one liners

You'd be a different. You're not that type of comic now your joke guy, but it's like Anthony Jeselnik or something like that's all One line or what even he will do a story some yeah He will he will but like I feel like he's like the guy who is like the one-line Joke guy now. Yeah, we're like more Longer bits probably yeah, I think so yeah Tosh is kind of like that Tosh will do joke joke joke joke long chunk Yeah, joke joke joke joke let me try one more I have one more hit me baby, so you used to date a girl who would get really mad Pick her up at the airport, but I'm like, I'm a New Yorker I don't drive. I don't have a car. It's like a weird request Yeah, she'd be really mad that I didn't pick her up and she said well

I could get raped in an uber and I'd be and I'm so dumb that I was like well take a lift Yeah That line hit and then but then I need like so then I'm like I don't know where to go with it exactly the first Part this is okay. Well, I say this isn't enough, but I say like, we'll just make sure he's like a five star rating because then he's never raped. He'd be at least a four, seven or something, you know what I mean?

Yeah, that's good. It needs more. There's something about like, the one I tried when I initially did it, which isn't enough is like, you know, well I ended up picking her up of course, like multiple times. Like I'd cab there and then cab back, oh that's ridiculous. Really? Yeah. Wow. I'm a good guy.

You're being abused dude. I know. Realize though that if I do a joke that might sound mean I'm actually a good fucking person. No. So I go to get her and then the whole time you're looking at the driver and you're like he went to raped. You're like mad he wouldn't have done it. That's good. That's good. Really? Yeah, you're just mad. You're like, this guy went the done it. Well, here's where my brain goes.

So she wants you to pick you up from the airport. She's like, I could get raped from the driver at the airport. But you can get raped from any Uber. Any Uber driver can rape. Why does it have to be the airport rapist? That's a good thing. You can Uber to the grocery store and get raped. So do I have to go everywhere

did the logic doesn't turn if I if I if I see what I'm saying the two most unsympathetic you can use that excuse ah I gotta go to the dentist I might get raped like why she's a consider people like they might get something might come over them I'm like all right so then I go to I go to pick her up and my car. I'm like shit the female driver

I might rape now That's good. That's good. Also. She could just get female drivers Can you request that oh what about gay uber? They should be grander go over gay uber uber and then you get raped gay uber yeah This is like the structure my old subway joke every I'm like you're just gonna. Let him do that yeah That'll oh yeah with a guy's jacking off. Yeah, he goes. He's jacking off to me on the train I go you got to stop and he goes I was doing it to you I turn after turn to my girlfriend like you're just gonna let him do that that was like an oldie

But uber, but yeah, that's a bit gay uber. We need gay uber goober goober yeah gay lift gift It's a gift I'm at the airport. I'm like you need to come get me This guy's this guy's eyeballing the shit out of me Any any wrecks or peeves or what? Oh, I got a peeve. It's a quickie.

I can't stand. You say this around me, we're not hanging out ever again. Anybody who says in my heart of hearts, get the fuck out of Dodge. What is this, your one-man show? I hate that. What the fuck? Out of touch. What is this? Your one man show? I know. I hate that. I got a guy, he's like one of my manager people, whatever, and he's like, in my heart of hearts, I really think this is some of your best material.

I'm like, shut the fuck up. Now I don't believe anything you say. It's so dramatic, so cheesy, so cringy. In my heart of hearts. I don't even know what that means. It's akin to people like, that had me in my feels. What the fuck are you? What are you, an alien? Who are these people? I don't know what that means. It's a kin of people like that had me in my feels What are you an alien who are these people yeah, I'm furious goober

Fucking goober oh Hit me in my feels good. That's like those ladies who say a cool beans Fuck up Kathy in my feels. I want to hit you in my car someone else is driving on the way to an airport yeah you'll feel that how about any any Rex uh I just rewatched there will be blood it's fucking oh fucking good god it's so good I know it's a 20 year old movie or whatever but man it just ah PTA does not miss with that so good. I I got home Kind of drunk last night. I throw on the TV Social network so good great dialogue great movie great dialogue like

Every moment there's dialogue. We were like this shouldn't be interesting. I know this is not an interesting story Yeah, a guy created a fucking app like who gives a shit, but it's compelling riveting and they throw in the legal stuff So you're like all right? This is kind of cool Great Justin Timberlake's great. He's great. He's great. That's Sorkin Sorkin and then Fincher directs it oh That's a fucking Sorkin's. It's either the best thing you've ever heard of the worst thing you've ever heard There's no middle ground. That's so true. It's dude. I mean, what's a bad Sorkin? Geez, I can't I can't like a sex move. What's it? What's a bad Sorkin? You're gonna give me his discography. I could tell you I don't feel like there's like a bad show

I think some of the episodes you're like, all right, do we get it? It's not like it's like not exactly a bad show, but I think some of the episodes you're like, all right, dude, we get it. It's not like, it's like not exactly. Well, he did that newsroom, didn't he? That was rough. I didn't like that. I thought I had moments. Like.

It was so self-righteous. It was very self-righteous, but yeah, now he's a beast. I did not like that. All right, so now I know. You know what I, you know what I did, I liked that a lot of people didn't like was Molly's game. That was pretty cool. Oh, I never saw that.

Idris Elba and a very sexy Jessica Chastain Oh very sexy in a very sexy you just sell both. I'm being honest. That's true Yeah, you can't go wrong and the dude from succession is in it to cat Ken Kendall from success Oh really Jeremy strong bill burr was telling me that new play with Jeremy strong and Michael imperial He's like unreal. He's really so good. That's the one that got walked in on with the climate change guy Yeah, those fucking but look what I did there now. They're just spreading awareness about that. Good point They had a well your point a handle it well climate chamber come to my shows in Memphis Come mega splash

So I have them on the West Wing a few good men as writer Molly's game the trial of the Chicago seven, which I never saw. That was a little newsroom. A Few Good Men is good. Amazing, amazing movie. And Sports Night. Sports Night was good. Sports Night was good, yeah.

That was great. There was a couple episodes where I was like, ugh, but like overall, I loved that show. I thought it was like, it captured such a moment too. It only missed because it was on when every show was a laugh track show I it looked like a laugh track show and there was no laughter I think people like confused I thought they thought it would be something else, but it was just like a great

Show I love art. Yeah, maybe ahead of its time and very very ahead of its time too smart for the room There's a lot of shows like that in like the 90s I mean I I thought about the critic all the Before we go, pull up Orson Welles. Dice any of this, the wine commercial? Or the peas commercial? From The Critic or in real life? The real one or the one? No, the real one.

Okay. It's so funny, dude. He's just getting shit-faced at the end of his career doing wine commercials. Oh, yeah. I haven't seen this in 30 years. Oh, dude, Michael Lawrence and I are texting each other. He's having audio ones only of him snapping at people being being like why would I do this in this Pete commercial?

He's like what would compel me to do this he goes you're a buffoon Your ignorance knows no bounds. Oh, this is one yeah Oh, this is real yeah Action piece so funny so heavy at this point. Wow. Look at him. He's so serious. His presence is amazing.

Action awesome please. He doesn't do anything? No, sorry, oh he's not rolling. Yeah he is. 102 take two. Ah, the French champagne. Yeah. Has always been celebrated for its excellence.

There is a California Champagne by Paul Masson, inspired by that same French excellence. It's fermented in the bottle and liked the best French Champagne. It's vintage dated, So Paul Masson. 102 take three. Action please. Champagne has always been celebrated for its excellence. There is a California champagne by Paul Masson. Inspired by that same French excellence is fermented in the bottle

and like the best French champagne it's vintage dated so Paul Massant The best part is that he just doesn't at all he's at a point of his career where he's like I'm only gonna do like Othello and Macbeth and then these shitty commercials Yeah yeah and I love the drunk beginning where they're like, action. Ah! Ah! That's exactly why you start this pod every week. Ah!

Ah! Ah! We got a Robert Spiegel here. I love him, dude. He makes me laugh so hard. I hate to say it, there's a little Saint Germain in there. Oh yeah. For sure.

Oh no, he's like a great character, man. But Bodega Cat Cat I don't know if it's if we're legal yet but it's it's close I mean we're close to being in bars in New York. Yes. We're already in some bars in Texas and liquor stores but we're very close to New York, New Jersey, Florida and California. Yeah. If you're listening you want Bodega Cat up in that motherfucker. It's happening. We have new distribution We're making it happen Almost out of our whole first batch, which is like what 10,000 20,000 bottles?

I don't know how much we got we got we're almost out because of you guys so Degga cat whiskey calm. Thank you for supporting. It's only growing yeah, and thanks for rocking the bodega cat merch as well Yes, we see you guys do I mean that shit? When I was doing the theater tour those sold out like crazy with those so oh yeah Oh, yeah big time and and we're getting a new bottle new website I mean, we're really revamping and kicking it up a notch So you're gonna be able to get it hands-on fuck. I mean get it online if you want But you'll be able to buy it hands-on fuck. Yeah, we get it online if you want, but you'll be able to buy it You know in person soon, so it's already like a signing or something. Let's do it through will do and uh yeah

I would love it, and it'll be first place. It'll be will be a comedy seller in New York City So they were they put it on the fucking menu. I think it's gonna be their house In their old-fashions in Manhattan's you had a seller getting about Daga Cat, Manhattan So I'm pretty excited for that come by the club get an old-fashions in Manhattan's you order a hand with the seller getting a bodega cap Manhattan So I'm pretty excited for that come by the club get an old-fash say hello Oh and follow us both on punch up dot live. Yes mark Normand and punch up dot live slash Sam Morell because we're posting a lot of only you can see content here It's uncensored and we're getting flagged on shit like you know Instagram It's uncensored and we're getting flagged on shit like you know Instagram

Tic-tac all that stuff so you get it free The only thing we ask for is your email address for and we're only gonna blast you when we have like either a special Or come into your city. It's a really good app. Everyone's on it now. Yeah punch up dot live Slash mark normand or punch up dot live slash samurail like this is this is a good place It's like patreon instead of paying us you just give us your email And yeah, you get all the info you get a bunch of free content that we're gonna post yeah only available there Never any spam which is great. Yes, no spam. We're not gonna spam you we appreciate your support. No spam The no ma'am. Thank you, and yeah, where are you gonna be some dates mark you plug some me is you oh punch up punch up? Oh great punch. I'm gonna go to New Haven love New Haven Frank Pepe's get some peace. Oh

I'm a pepe man, but I don't know if I've had Sally Sally's legit all right Philly coming back Love Philly one of my favorite comedy town Memphis Little Knoxville, Chattanooga, Syracuse. Salacuse. Buffalo, Minneapolis, Madison, Bloomington, Evansville, LA. Coachella, Victoria, BC, never been there. I hear it's a beautiful island, Vancouver, Royal Oak, Fort Wayne, West Palm, Fort Myers, Boston,

Pittsburgh, and Spokane, and Seattle, at the Moor, going back to the Moor. My favorite, cop five theaters, I think, Boston, Pittsburgh, and Spokane in Seattle at the Moor, going back to the Moor. My favorite, top five theaters, I think. Easy, easy. Hey, Salakis, what's your favorite movie, by the way? Well, it's not my favorite movie, but if I can wreck something at the end of the show,

I'm stealing this from Benny Safdie. I saw him on a red carpet, and he was like, what are you watching? And he said this movie called Sherman's March. I've heard of it, it's a documentary. Yes. You saw this on Letterboxd, right? Yes! Okay, it's good? I've heard of it, it's a documentary. Yes. You saw this on Letterboxd, right? Yes!

Okay. It's from like 1981, it's about this, it's a very personal story of a guy. It's a war movie, right? No, no, it's a documentary about a guy following Sherman's March, which is, well, the guy after the Civil War, or the end of the Civil War.

Yeah, it's a war movie. No, it's not a war movie. But it's about a guy who is in the war, no? Correct, sorry, yes. Okay. But it turns into a personal story about him the war, no? Correct, sorry, yes. Okay. But it turns into a personal story about him going to visit all his exes along this path. So it's just like his personal Sherman's march.

Mm, oh, that's great. So he's going through the south, visiting all his exes. All right, give me another one of your favorite movies. Ooh. If it was one movie that you would describe as like the most salacuse movie. Dogged Afternoon.

One more. Pelham? Pelham one, taking a Pelham one, two, three. One more? What do you got in your pocket? What's going on here? What's happening? What's going on here? One more.

Who's coming through the door? Taxi driver? Taxi driver, yeah. Fucking pricks, just take the shirt. Ayyy! Ooh, let's see. Oh, we were close. Oh, this is my favorite movie!

Oh, shut up! favorite movie. Oh shut up That's a killer shirt Look at that you can wear that jizz all over it there you go Oh, I got all I got on the road is Right now I'm gonna add a lot of stuff workout dates. I got to write a new hour, but uh Atlantic City June 22nd With Chris DiStefano. Oh, yeah together. I'm excited for that one's gonna be fun So but I'm gonna add some stuff soon, so you'll be doing city spots like a madman. I'm gonna be popping around

Yeah, I'll be on your shows bring it on. I'll be coming through. I heard you killed on Tuesday Ruby They were good Ruby said that they were good. I talked about you know what I bombed in the set right before that So it's it's an up-and-down process to miss the game. That's the game got a lot of I love it I'm loving the process right now It's like I'm embracing it fully and I was talking to Quinn about it because he's in the same place and we're both like You feel alive you feel like you're right and some yes I got I got to think it's time to see you like when your hours done. This is the fucking time to see somebody In this calendar is empty, but I'm trying to build it up

Well, you have your comedy fan and you like the process yeah, go see how the sausage is made But there's nothing nothing like a better eat a killer hour. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, we love you guys. Thanks for listening comedy you guys thanks for listening comedy Up on the roof like a cop's comin' And naked Samuel is feelin' dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true