We Might Be Drunk - Ep 174: Robert Smigel & Justin Willman [Magical Comedy]

Starting point is 00:00:00 We're rolling. Let me tell you something. These Levain cookies, have you had these Levain bakery cookies? No. Levain, no. I mean, pull up a picture of what these look like, man. Yeah. They sound a little too highfalutin for me. No, no, dude. I mean, yeah, they're like fancy cookies that you wait in line for. I'm not gonna wait in line, but my girlfriend Post makes them. So it's like, this is what girlfriends do. They just fucking take,

Starting point is 00:00:27 they're able to have two bites and move on, and they order like 14 cookies, and I'm like, oh cool, I'm the one with no willpower. I'm gonna eat all of these. Yeah, yeah. But the oatmeal cookies from these are like fucking scones. Oh, it's too much. It's all bread, it's just a block.

Starting point is 00:00:40 But it tastes great. Yeah, it tastes good. And the oatmeal one is not too sweet. It's like the, dude. Oh my God, look at this, it's like porn. You're gonna cum when you eat these. They're insane. Oh man. But they're like, the oatmeal ones are on another level

Starting point is 00:00:53 because I love oatmeal cookies, but they make them too sweet sometimes. Yeah, that's true. The subtlety is the key to the oatmeal. But the oatmeal raisin is the transgender of chocolate chip. What, they surprise you with the raisin? Yes, with nuts. But I've been fooled too many times.

Starting point is 00:01:10 We're like, hey, a chocolate chip because it's got the brown chip, but it's a raisin. Yeah. Yeah, but that looks amazing. Geez yes. I gotta say they're excellent. And so then we're in Texas. I did a corporate there and then we were there for,

Starting point is 00:01:24 I stayed for the memorial of her friend. She gold bellies like three boxes of these. You know what gold belly is? What's gold belly? You can just get like literally anything. You can get like a Peter Lugar steak in like Kentucky. Oh, I thought it was a term for a fat Asian. You know, there's gold belly over here.

Starting point is 00:01:41 Sorry. But it's a, dude, you can order like a pepe's piece of a new haven when you're like oh wow that's the it's it's an incredible idea so I've never done it but she does it for the so she was like two boxes on like more these fucking cookies yeah away from these cookies I do a benefit at the at the garden guess what's in the gift box levainain fucking cookies! You can't escape them! They're killing me these cookies! They're hunting you down, they're chasing you.

Starting point is 00:02:08 They're good cookies though. Yeah, but I wonder if you say she can eat one bite and put it down. We can't do that, but is there a heroin addict who's like, I'll take one hit. Is that possible or do you have to just take the whole pile? I think they exist, I think there's people who have like, I have a friend who like tried crack and he's like,

Starting point is 00:02:23 not for me, I'm like, I don't know you existed It's fine, but not for me, but I knew a guy who uh, I don't know if you ever met him He used to come around the shows about this guy Adam and he was like a degenerate gambler like a chess Savant like yeah, I think number two in the country as a kid. He was like, you know, there's always something off about these guys Yes, he's in a bow tie on TV as a child, you know something off about these guys. He's in a bow tie on TV as a child, you know? And then he becomes a drug addict and he's in Washington Square Park hustling people for money, you know, for coke money. Total nut, but uh... Every smart kid is a drug addict because they're all too smart.

Starting point is 00:02:58 They all get bored. They get bored! That's what it is. It's like, um, rounders. Everybody grew up with that wormers Everybody grew up with that worm Everybody grew up with that kid who's like charming as fuck super funny cool as hell and he's like come on We got a game over here with the cops we can take them and then you end up getting beat up It basically De Niro mean streets everyone has one like piece of shit friend But they're fun as shit the worst I'll take the worst part of the piece of shit friend their piece of shit friend You ever have them bring that guy right my god this is like unbearable well it's all the chart note of the charm but with all just the degeneracy you want to tell him like no you were my limit yes you're the

Starting point is 00:03:36 further no this guy was anytime I do a gig in like AC he just be there yeah he gets any casino gig he just happened to be there. He just looked at my schedule, he's like, someone I know here, he'd be shit-faced. But he's the type of guy who would call me like, yeah, I just, I smoked crack last night. And I'd be like, you gotta not do that. And he's like, no, I'm fine. I'd be like, well, clearly you're not fine. I know you're not addicted yet,

Starting point is 00:04:01 but it's not a good thing to do. This kid's got rage, crack and chess? That's a lot of range. But I had a kid growing up called Hunt. His name was Hunter. Shout out Hunter. His brother used to beat the shit out of him. He was a tough kid. His dad's president. Yeah. He was worse than Biden. He was like crazy kid. Fist fighting kid, whatever. But he became the treasurer of his college just to use the money. So he'd get strippers, he's getting strippers and hookers with college money and buy and blow with the college's fund. That's kind of legendary.

Starting point is 00:04:33 He was legendary. I mean, he was a psycho and then a nightmare to be around. What's his last name? I'm gonna... I don't want to say that. I'll bleep it. I just want to look him up on LinkedIn. He's not even in the room right now. I just want to see what... Okay, I'll look him up.

Starting point is 00:04:45 But like once we were at a house party and there was this kid we didn't like there and he goes, hey Greg, let me fill up your beer. And I look behind me and Hunter's filling up his beer with the keg with his dick in the glass and we're all laughing and then Greg sees it and he tackles it. So now we're in a big melee, but that was him.

Starting point is 00:05:01 No, that's not him. Oh shit. You gotta go Louisiana. Now you gotta bleep and stand out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll talk about it later. Yeah, that's not him. That's not him. Oh shit. You gotta go Louisiana. Now you gotta bleep and stand out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll talk about it later. Yeah, we'll talk later.

Starting point is 00:05:09 But he, I mean, this guy was a fun-egg-ler. He worked for Domino's, so he'd steal credit cards. He got the credit card numbers. Now he's buying fucking Hi-Fi speakers. Not him either, but you're getting closer. Yeah, this guy does look like more of a piece of shit right here. Yeah, he had that haircut.

Starting point is 00:05:24 That was the swoopy the Lego the leg Go my Lego Alright, sorry. Yeah, we're talking about I'm sweating. I ran here now. That's not him. It was Lady you ran I ran to in the rain. Yeah Rain, and I hate it you know what I here's a peeve the people who are really slow walkers in the rain I know now you're like having to sprint around people you're doing it's like an obstacle course. Not to mention the umbrella points are coming at you. It's crazy. It's like a fire like on guard or something. I hate these people who are like kind of like trying to get

Starting point is 00:05:54 their way. Mark and I for whatever reason we refuse to do umbrella. I don't like the umbrella. I don't do it either. It's an extra thing to carry. Exactly. And you're gonna lose it. And then what happens? Someone calls me, I have no free hands. Ah, good point. This guy's gonna have a black coffee. You need the coffee hand. Coffee. Coffee and phone.

Starting point is 00:06:13 I'm back on coffee, baby. Whoa! He sees you! Y'all serve a glow. Look, I'm still hurting, but I have been drinking and I've been back on coffee. I'm like, you know what, I'm gonna eat. There's no spicy foods yet. That'll be the last one, but you know.

Starting point is 00:06:26 All right, all right, well how many a day? Coffee? I've had a few. Oh geez, you're back on the wagon. I'm back, baby. Okay, damn, Juan Valdez over here. Should try crack just once though. I should, I kinda, I'm curious.

Starting point is 00:06:41 Are you not curious? Crack, yeah, I'm sure I'm curious. I'm sure we smoked it just like back in the day by accident. You get a bad like weed strain. A little sprinkle. Yeah, it's on the corner right now. We live in Manhattan. I saw a guy doing crack yesterday actually. Really? Yeah, in the village. Just see it. I guess he's just in the, you know, like a doorway just sprinkling crack and he had the little pipe and everything. Vintage, man. Like a throwback.

Starting point is 00:07:02 It was nice. David Cross came in here and said I was in London and my friend was doing crack and I was like I'll just do crack. That's right. What the fuck is this? But he said I get it. He's like I smoke crack. He's like I get it. I get why people do it. This is fun. I guess it's worse though, right? Like it's better to smoke and be like overrated. Yeah. Because at least then you're not gonna keep doing it. If you get it, those are the people that get hooked I think. That's true. Although he didn't. keep doing it. If you get it, those are the people that get hooked, I think. That's true.

Starting point is 00:07:25 Although he didn't. He didn't. But you got to think Pepsi does nothing but advertise all day, every baseball game, every commercial. Crack, no ads. Still killing it. Every year we can't get rid of Crack. Sells itself.

Starting point is 00:07:38 Sells itself. That's a good product. There's really not much like that. No, no. How about this for an idea? This is a curveball. Why aren't advertising, you know, we have ads on buses, Ubers, back of a cab, baseball game, it's every stadium, it's all ads. Cleavage. No one has bought cleavage space. This would sell more ads than anything. Wow. Come on!

Starting point is 00:08:03 Are you not like a random woman, or are you a poster of cleavage in the head there? No, no. You meet a big breasted lady, you know you meet like a Red Bull girl, so she'll give out Red Bull, she's cute, she's got a tight Red Bull outfit. I'm talking a sticker that says Clorox,

Starting point is 00:08:19 right here on the cleavage. You got a hot lady, every guy's turning, every woman hates her. But you know, like a tattoo, I think someone's done this with like tattoos. Yeah, but that's so permanent. No lady's gonna sign up for that. Yeah, but how much is cleavage worth if it's just one woman in Cleveland for like a fucking day and a half? It's gotta be permanent. Cleavageland. Yeah, that's a good point. It's gotta be a permanent tattoo and then you you're like, alright, if you agree,

Starting point is 00:08:46 and it's got to be a warm weather climate, you can't be in the winter. But what's the point? True. But what about this? Hey. You hire a woman for a day to walk through like Wimbledon. Hey, Robert, get in here, buddy. Hey, man.

Starting point is 00:08:58 Hey, here I come. Good to see you. Sorry, we're in the middle of a heated debate. And we've also never met, so nice to see you. Nice to meet you. Such a weird way to meet. How are you? How are you? We're in the middle of a heated debate And we've also never met so nice to see How are you we're big fans I'm a little Got to fight it out We were just I don't know if you want to slide right into this

Starting point is 00:09:21 Let me slide right in the fair debate. He says there should be ads on cleavage. There should be ads? Well, there's ads everywhere, and I'm saying it sells more product if you hired a woman to just write Clorox on her cleavage, because we're all looking anyway. But it's gotta be, I'd say if you do it, it's gotta be a permanent tattoo,

Starting point is 00:09:39 and it's gotta be a warm weather climate. Well, but what if their logo changes? Ah! That would be problematic. What logos have changed, really? Logos change. weather climate well but what if they're what if their logo changes ah that would be problematic what logos have changed really logos change coca-cola was all different before no it's saying but UPS change maybe not coca-cola bad example you know what it's a weak argument you're right great well here's my thing you hire a lady to walk through a crazy Coachella, Wimbledon, anything where there's a soccer thing. Especially like those, remember that woman

Starting point is 00:10:11 who used to run onto the baseball field at the All-Star game, Morgana, I don't know. Yeah, the Kissing Bandit. The Kissing Bandit, you guys are too young. I don't know, I remember this. Morgana the Kissing Bandit, she had enormous boobs. And she had, if she had plastered a logo on the Pepsi At least it would have got to be famous you got it's got to be like on Lizzo's ass

Starting point is 00:10:34 No, she was famous, but they were doing but they but they blank her out though, didn't they? There she is. Wow. Yeah, see that got my eye I'm in baseball back then baseball was above that kind of thing, but now gambling, betting apps, you know, you gotta think about this Shohei Otani thing. That's crazy, right? Yeah, I mean. He's just lying.

Starting point is 00:10:55 I assume, I mean, you know, I'm not, I don't speak fluent Japanese, but I'm assuming. I'm not watching Shogun. But if someone took 4.5 mil out of my account, I'd like to think I would know. Yeah, the whole thing of, well, also, didn't the guy do a whole ESPN interview where he basically outlined the whole process

Starting point is 00:11:14 and then he had to walk it back? Mm, fill me in. He was betting? He had to pretend a guy who bet 4.5 million dollars of his money. The guy first claimed that the money was... To pay off his interpreter's debt. Yes, exactly.

Starting point is 00:11:30 That was his first claim. And then it became, no, no, he stole the money. Yes, I think that was still illegal for a baseball player to pay off a debt, like gambling. So then they changed the story to, my interpreter embezzled $4.5 million from me and I didn't know and he bet it and I was completely unaware. If he gets off, Pete Rose should be back.

Starting point is 00:11:50 Exactly. Well, it depends. I mean, because if he didn't bet on baseball, then that should be okay with baseball. Given the fact that sports is now polluted with ads for gambling apps. Every ad now is DraftKings, Fandle. Honestly, I think it's okay to have gambling apps, but commercials for them? What if they're on Cleve? It's like, oh, well in that case.

Starting point is 00:12:12 We were pumped to have you on, man, because I mean, I did recently watch the Hulu doc, the Dana Carvey show. Too funny to face. Oh, it's great. It's killer. You were great in the Nickelodeon doc as well. Nickelodeon.

Starting point is 00:12:28 I'm not that old, you're right. I'm only 25 and I was exploited. But you know, Zack and Cody were really fun. It was worth it to work with Zack and Cody. The occasional hand down like crotch was worth it. By the way, we didn't introduce our guest. Robert Schmeigel. Oh, sorry.

Starting point is 00:12:51 Who cares? No, we care. We're fans. I mean, if you know Triumph the Insult, Comic Dog, this guy. We heard you like the Cone. SNL. I'll have one if you have one. I'll have one.

Starting point is 00:13:03 Okay, sure. Oh, is it twisty? Oh, I didn't know that. Oh yeah. So then I'm gonna have one of you have one. I'll have one. Okay, sure Oh, is it twisty? Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, yeah Hey, no pressure. He's got a long sir. I'm fine. Oh, no. No. Oh, look at that. We Halloween I was just trying to fit in with the ambiguously gay duo last Halloween. Oh, I saw that I heard about that I was very flattered to see yes, you and you guys are You you don't you're not packing quite as much as Those guys had some units no no they need you need to it's without you did It's the one costume where you can stuff your crotch without shame. Yeah, because that's the whole we're not we're not gonna put ads on those crutches

Starting point is 00:13:41 They won't sell Yeah, I don't even know if that would be like frowned upon now if I did that cartoon now, oh, I'm sure Yeah, what was that like the late 90s on SNL that one late 90s? But the joke was supposed to be how obsessed we are with Anyone's sexuality. Yes, just so stupid. Well those eight the he-man. I mean it was all gay It's just so stupid. Well those eight, the He-Man, I mean it was all gay vibes from He-Man, you know? All those 80s cartoons were super homoerotic.

Starting point is 00:14:11 Yeah, and the Schwarzenegger movie, Predator, and then Batman became homoerotic, like by the third one where they were panning down to George Clooney's. Yes! The nipples on the costumes. Nipples on the costumes. So that's where.

Starting point is 00:14:24 That Clooney one was pretty rough. That's where that movie came from. Was that the one, that wasn't the one with Mr. Freeze. Yes. Chill out. Uma Thurman, she was pretty fucking hot in that movie. Boyce and Ivy, yeah. But Mr. Freeze is worth the whole movie to me.

Starting point is 00:14:39 I mean, come on. Just all the bad puns, weren't there a million bad puns? A million. Yeah, but Batman Forever was pretty bad too. I mean, there was like a couple. Which one was that? That was the Joel, were they botheren't there a million bad puns? A million. A million. And Batman Forever was pretty bad too. I mean there was like a couple. Which one was that? That was the Joel Schmucker. Joel Schmucker?

Starting point is 00:14:49 Yeah. I mean he went like, he went campy as hell. I respect the effort but it just was so. Yeah. Val Kilmer was. Yes. It was too neon and weird. Yeah, that one sucked.

Starting point is 00:15:00 The best one was the second one I thought. With Michelle Pfeiffer and Danny DeVito. She was so hot, yeah. Oh, the lick in the face. That was a good one. Whew. Man, that was something. The new ones were good though. The first new one was awesome.

Starting point is 00:15:12 The Nolans. Yeah, and the... Well, the Dark Knight. Yeah, that was awesome. Yeah. I mean, they took a campy TV show from the 60s and made it like a noir film. Well, actually, actually, the campy TV show from the 60s,

Starting point is 00:15:24 you should watch the 1966 Adam West Batman movie. I own it on VHS. Oh you do? The bomb? Yeah. Yeah, I love that movie. Sometimes you can't get rid of a bomb. Yes, yes, that movie, yeah, the music's great,

Starting point is 00:15:39 Cesar Romero is amazing, Burgess Meredith. Adam West is like the joker. Yeah. It's one of the funniest amazing, Burgess Meredith. Adam West is like a joker. Yeah. It's one of the funniest performances I've ever seen. So funny, and they utilize that on The Simpsons. What? Adam West.

Starting point is 00:15:52 No, on Family Guy. Oh, is it? But he was on The Simpsons too. I think he's on both. But he became a regular on Family Guy. He played the mayor. You're right. Mayor Adam West, but Conan and I

Starting point is 00:16:00 wrote a whole pilot for him. Really? Really? You guys haven't done your research. Ah, son, here's the bomb. It's okay. This movie is so ridiculous. And I wrote a whole pilot for him really really you guys haven't done your research Is the bomb it's okay this is so ridiculous About the shark repellent? Shark repellent in the first scene, yeah. I swear to God, it's the funniest movie ever. He can't throw it there because they're making it out.

Starting point is 00:16:33 It's like a silent film. It's like a chap. And Batman really went a different way. Oh, yeah. Really, they really changed it up. I like fun Batman. I mean, they're both fun. I know, but now every superhero is just

Starting point is 00:16:47 Brooding yeah dark side. Yes, it's up for Deadpool They but then they said it was great, but then they start to try to copy Deadpool to right like whatever whatever works They copy but yeah, I'm kind of actually I'm not a big superhero movie guy But the new Deadpool Wolverine one like that could be kind of cool. Yeah Yeah, those are the. Yeah, I'm looking forward to that. Iron Man and the Game of Loads. Those are the fun ones. Some zingers, yeah. But can we go through, let's just go through the resume

Starting point is 00:17:10 for the folks at home, because you got the company resume. Do we have time? I mean, this guy. You were at SNL for a while, right? Yeah, I'm really old. I started in 1985. Oh my God. I know

Starting point is 00:17:26 Were you even born 86? 83 yeah, I was around 1985 Lorne Michaels came back He was gone for only a year, right? I think he was gone for almost four years I think 80 to 84 he just sure it's not my wife and that's when they went Walgreens Hi 84 you just make sure it's not my wife and that's when they went Walgreens Hi Let me ask you something is it rude to interrupt the podcast by picking up the phone It's not oh great

Starting point is 00:17:56 The new hearts get all of a sudden Talking to Abe Lincoln so you start there in 85 that's's crazy. I started there in I thought that was Don Ohm I turn off the goddamn Don Ohm Meyer is that a palm pilot what the hell? It's an it's an eight it's an And I'm a paranoid I'm paranoid about brain cancer. Is that a jitterbug? Oh No, there's a company called Ah fuck it. I don't remember. But it'll protect you from dangerous blah blah blah.

Starting point is 00:18:28 Me and Rob Schneider talk about this all the time. Did you guys, you haven't seen my show, the Triumph special, have you heard about this? I've heard about it, I haven't seen it yet. Oh, fuck. I'm a big Triumph guy. Because Schneider's on it and I got to make fun of him, it was really fun. What do you say to him? Can you pull up the

Starting point is 00:18:50 commercial for the triumph video? It's called you love the time. The name of the clip is you lucky bastards new triumph special coming or something like that but Yeah, it was a game show. I do called. Let's make a poopumph, where it's basically like Jeopardy. I shouldn't say that because they'll steal, they'll think I'm stealing. Yes, yeah, let's just take a look. You'll see, I'm kidding. Is that Michael Winslow?

Starting point is 00:19:13 That's Michael Winslow. Oh, yeah. Michael Winslow, great progressive city of San Francisco. Let me state that I will not tolerate hate speech. That's right, I will not make jokes about any of the ethnic groups you all priced out of this town. Let's make a pooo! Adam Savage, everyone!

Starting point is 00:19:32 The guy from Mythbusters. Sure. You're a wizard on Mythbusters. Seriously, I have to ask you, is there anything you can't build other than an appealing Tinder profile? Here's Schneider coming. Rob Schneider!

Starting point is 00:19:47 Hey Rob, honestly, thank you for coming out so soon after the holidays. I know you like to spend January 6th with your family. I came! Weird Al Yankovic! Weird Al. You are beloved by nerds everywhere. Think about it, Weird Al.

Starting point is 00:20:05 So many people kept their virginity to your music. Yeah. Ah. Oh, wow. That's funny. You don't have to show the whole thing. Kept their virginity is gold. Do you write all these?

Starting point is 00:20:16 No, no, God no. I have, I'm not a standup like you guys. You guys are amazing. But you're a joke guy. I'm a joke guy and I'm a sketch writer and I've written a lot of shit, but have help with triumph always have help because it's like there's no the jokes are so dense Beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but like you going to comic-con the Star Wars Opening I mean that shit is legendary. I rewatched that like twice a year. Oh triumph in our what's this with the hot dog place in?

Starting point is 00:20:43 Chicago the wiener sir Circus. That was fuckin' Yeah, yeah, those ladies, they, it's, I always called it organized racism because, it's like this one place where, in Chicago, where these black ladies behind the counter are just hurling abuse at the yuppie white clientele and they're throwing shit back and it's just like sport.

Starting point is 00:21:11 And so I always wanted to go there. I always wanted to go there with triumph. And when Conan went to Chicago, I wanted to do it with Conan and Conan didn't want to do it. I wanted to like stick up for Conan. And he didn't wanna do it, he said, I'll just be mobbed and it won't be fun for me.

Starting point is 00:21:31 So then I thought of Jack McBrayer. Oh, the whitest man on the planet. Yeah, and also like the sweetest persona. Next home we meet, so I step up. I don't know if it just gonna be in a red hot, red truffle... Oh, that's brilliant. One chai dog, one cheddar burger. I don't know what the fuck you want, I'm talking to you!

Starting point is 00:21:53 Where you at? I'm letting you know, I just want a hot dog. Do you wanna try this thing, you slow-wit? She's fucking up! I would like a red hot chai dog. Where is my man? Mustard and ketchup, please. So you want a wiffle and a cheek?

Starting point is 00:22:08 Fist up and cha-cha! This is what they do to everybody. Yeah, but you gotta get him in there. He comes in as Triumph. You gotta get... But this is hilarious, because this was a novelty then. Now this is every Walgreens in New York. I guess you're playing three, you know what they say! Are you f***ing his dog? What's wrong with that? I

Starting point is 00:22:34 Know That's not true You know why you guys work You're gonna put some earflaps on your head! You know why you guys work for tips? Because no one will stick the whole thing in! Goddamn. That's amazing. At least that guy's laughing. Yeah, no, no, they were totally into it. They're obviously in on this, right? They love the attention. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:01 They knew we were coming and they just played it up. He nailed it too. He kept the awesomeness. That's from our failed sitcom. Then I was like, let's do a sitcom together, Jack. Yep. And it was on Adult Swim and then. And they hired me to take that picture. That's right.

Starting point is 00:23:16 I took this photo. Is that right? Yeah, yeah. Oh, full circle. How you doing? Jeremy told me that, Jeremy produces my specials. Yeah, I love Jeremy. Whatever, you can call him specials.

Starting point is 00:23:25 I put it on YouTube, that let's make a poop thing, because I didn't, it went really well. It's one of the best shows I've ever done is Triumph. But I couldn't sell it, and I didn't even bother because it was shot kind of raggedy, so I just figured, Sam did it, I'll do it. Until I discovered you was really on YouTube Yeah, we put out you put out YouTube specials. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How many did you put out on YouTube before a couple?

Starting point is 00:23:52 Okay, two specials then we did that like mini doc. Yeah. Oh, that's right Yeah, I did two YouTube specials, which is like it's still like and unless now sometimes you can get Certain words are now moving the goalpost in a little, but there was a period where you're like, holy shit, YouTube is the place to be. Wild West. But when I first did a YouTube special, people would bring me on stage as like,

Starting point is 00:24:15 you've seen his YouTube special, and it would get a laugh. They thought that the host was like, shit. Cause it wasn't like a cool thing to say. No, exactly, no. But then, but I was like, yeah, but I've got one on Comedy Central, no one's seen those, so. Right, no, everybody saw the one on YouTube.

Starting point is 00:24:28 Same with Mark, I mean, Mark and I, we did it like the same few months. Yeah, yeah. And it was like, you know. Yeah, I don't know how to get people to watch, I just have this shitty like, triumph the insult comic dog like page, but I don't do enough on it to like, I don't do enough on the web in general.

Starting point is 00:24:46 Well this will get you an extra 10 views. Thank you, that's why I'm here. That and the free beer. Yeah, but I mean, fuck the industry. I mean, look, I know you did the rounds, SNL, Conan, the whole thing, but you gotta try to pitch shit. I mean, you have such a great resume and it's still hard for you to sell a show.

Starting point is 00:25:04 Don't you get sick of that? That's why YouTube is so great because it's great if but but I would just like people to See this sure was it you're in Conan who wrote that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie idea. Yeah, that was always that's the Hans and Franz movie that's right yeah, that was Conan me and Carvey and It was Conan, me and Carvey and... Neelan? And Neelan. And we just read from it this summer on Conan's podcast.

Starting point is 00:25:32 It was nice to at least have people hear excerpts from it. But yeah, that's like, some of the stuff that I've written that I like the most is stuff no one's seen or heard. Sure, sure. It's really frustrating. That movie was one of them, yeah, yeah. That was a great sketch. I have that with women I've fucked.

Starting point is 00:25:52 Some of the best. Some of the best, I'm like, I wish people could have seen that, you know? And not just the dudes you fucked. Yeah. You can't even put that on YouTube for free? Nah, they flag it. Damn.

Starting point is 00:26:03 But what about those old Conan days? Because I know you're, we've established you're an old man. Very old. But I watched Conan in college with my eight jerk-off buddies and the masturbating bear. What was that guy who would do the, he would try to sell you jokes and go, paper or plastic? Oh yeah, Brian Stack, I can't remember

Starting point is 00:26:24 the name of the character. That guy was my favorite all time character. Traveling salesman. Traveling salesman, that guy was number one, but I mean that shit meant the world to me in the year 2000. Oh that was a big one. That was a bit I came up with before Conan.

Starting point is 00:26:38 Wow, I didn't know that was yours. Yeah, yeah, when I thought I was gonna be fired from SNL, which was the summer of 1986 I think I go back to Chicago, and I'm living in my old apartment with Bob Odenkirk Yeah, yeah, look at that there you go name drop Bob Odenkirk boink And so Bob and I were like fuck it I'm not gonna give hired Franken called me over the summer and he was like, fuck it, I'm not gonna get hired. Franken called me over the summer,

Starting point is 00:27:06 and he was like, yeah, it's not looking good. I'm sorry. Al Franken? Yeah, Al Franken, yeah. Our worst guest yet. Worst one. What? It's our worst episode.

Starting point is 00:27:20 What was he like? What was the problem? I don't think he liked us. Like a wet blanket? Yeah. Yeah. But he has a way of letting you know? I don't think he liked us. Say like a wet one. Ah, yeah. Yeah. He has a way of letting you know if he doesn't like you. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:29 He let us know. Yeah, we knew. We were aware. But yeah, so it's decoding years. Yeah, yeah. So I thought I was gonna be fired and so Bob and I were gonna do another sketch show together in Chicago and one of the first ideas I had

Starting point is 00:27:44 was for in the year 2000 because I thought like I grew up watching like the Jetsons and shit and so we thought the year 2000 was gonna be all space agent and the closer we got to it the funnier it became but it was just not gonna be anything I mean 2001 a space Odyssey was a big part of like good point getting that You know mindset on people but even y2k remember that that was a big well, that's yeah And that was already 19 up by then we knew that yeah, but yeah, so that sketch and

Starting point is 00:28:19 So then we ended up doing that sketch Conan got hired for SNL. I got I, I got Bob Odenkirk into SNL. I got him hired and then Conan separately came from Harvard of course and we all bonded and then there was a rider strike in 1988 and we went back to Chicago and performed all these sketches that we couldn't get on SNL. We did like the Chicago super fans, the Da Bears started in Chicago. I didn't know that SNL. Ah-ha. We did like the Chicago Superfans,

Starting point is 00:28:45 the Da Bears started in Chicago. I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I just found out today that you're in this skit. Yeah. We're one of the guys. I'm one of the guys, I'm the fourth guy that nobody knew who the fuck that guy was.

Starting point is 00:28:57 So, ah! There's funnier stuff, but whatever. It was. That's great, I'm farly in love with that. No, no, people still use that, people still call the Bears Da Bears. Da Bear, but that. It's great, I'm farly in favor of that. People still use that, people still call the bears, the bear. But that's a catchphrase that won't die.

Starting point is 00:29:09 I mean this goes with like the Eagles fans, you can put it in anywhere, that's why it was so relatable. That's why it was popular, yeah. You know that Eagles fan that ate poop at the Super Bowl, remember when they won? Yeah. And he just grabbed the horse poop and he's like, he's gonna eat it and I'm like, dude, you won.

Starting point is 00:29:25 That really happened? Yeah, fucking gross. Eagles fuckers are crazy. They're crazy. Eagles, Philly fans are on another level of crazy. They are on another level. Chicago fans are very funny. Is this it?

Starting point is 00:29:34 Oh, is this it? Oh, God. Oh, no! What is it, horse shit? Yeah. Oh! Holy shit. That was me at a corporate in San Antonio last week. Oh, God. Oh, no! What is it, horse shit? Yeah, oh! Holy shit. That was me at a corporate in San Antonio last week. And he didn't even lose a bar bet.

Starting point is 00:29:50 This is just, he's just doing this because. That's how COVID started. That's how happy. That was so fucking gross. That's crazy, yeah. When I, I remember when the Bears won, way back, 1986, I think, I remember just the Bears won way back, 1986 I think. I remember just watching the CNN coverage

Starting point is 00:30:09 on Russ Street in Chicago. And there was a guy wearing like aviator shades with a Dicca mustache. And he just, all he was doing was, he had a hula skirt on and he's just like, Bears. Bears, he's just got a really serious look on his face and she's just a fat guy doing a hula dance and so I made Farley do that on the show once.

Starting point is 00:30:31 I remember that. With Michael Jordan. Yes, that's right. I got to do sketches with Michael Jordan. That's insane. I remember when you guys did it. Actually, I got to do sketches with Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Brett Favre, all the super fans shit.

Starting point is 00:30:45 Yeah, are you a sport guy? Oh insane sports guy. What are your allegiances? I see the shirt. Well I like all, my dad raised me up to, this is the Dr. J Netts logo. But my dad raised me to root for, I lived in Manhattan. So I rooted for every New York team.

Starting point is 00:31:04 Hell yeah. Everything in the New York area. Now I have preferences like the Mets. It's hard to root for the Yankees. I think the first game was tonight. It was supposed to be, it was rained out. There you go. It was rained out. But the Knicks, I saw you in the.

Starting point is 00:31:16 Hardcore. Huh? I'm a hardcore fan. We were at the game the other night. We won Monday. You won Monday? Yeah, me and him. He got us in.

Starting point is 00:31:23 Nice. Givenchenzo, 11 threes. That was crazy. I watched it with my sons. So I just found out recently that those celebrity row things are for free. Yeah, keep that down. Let's leave it to the secret.

Starting point is 00:31:36 Oh, okay. We'll edit that out. I just, all these years, I never even thought to try and then somebody got me on the list. Oh, nice. Very recently. So I went went I was at Saturday's game Oh big one with with against I can't even against Brooklyn. Yes against Brooklyn. Yeah, not a big one I was big when though they get was it was fun. It was fun. And and I actually brought triumph

Starting point is 00:32:00 Because I'm an idiot and I just thought it would be funny to To see triumph and so they took a picture of Triumph and posted it. That's awesome. Of like Triumph and me just watching the game really seriously and now. Jumbo? No.

Starting point is 00:32:14 Oh damn. No, I wanna put Triumph on the jumbo. That would be huge. Yeah, yeah, I wanna do that. They should get you to do something for the playoffs like insulting other teams as Triumph. Yeah, no, now they wanna tape me doing some Triumph stuff. Gotta do it.

Starting point is 00:32:26 That would be huge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I did make the jumbo like a couple of weeks earlier. And everybody was like, who? And it was just like, who the fuck is this? Yeah, that's what we get too. Yeah, yeah, it's kinda humiliating. No, it's literally like.

Starting point is 00:32:39 They thought it was Pete Sampras and who? Chris DeStefano was telling me the first time he went on, he was with his dad and they put Phil Collins on first. Oh, jeez. And then he's like, I'm gonna go to San Fritz and have a good... Chris DeStefano is telling me the first time he went on, he was with his dad, and they put Phil Collins on first. Oh, jeez. And then they put Phil Collins on first, and they go nuts, and then they put Chris on, and everyone's like, who? Hey, hey, hey, folks, we might be drunk as brought to you by Fume.

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Starting point is 00:34:04 That's tryfume.com slash drunk, promo code drunk. Get on it. So funny that the promo code is drunk. Yeah. Justin, everybody. Nice to meet you. Hey, how are you? Finally, this is Justin.

Starting point is 00:34:19 Hello, Justin. Robert. Robert, it's very nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Have you guys met each other? No. I have not. I don't think so. This is, worlds are colliding. He's a comedian very nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Have you guys met each other? No. I have not.

Starting point is 00:34:26 I don't think so. His worlds are colliding. He's a comedian, magician. I know. You know him. Yes. Oh, okay, great. Aware.

Starting point is 00:34:34 You're aware. He didn't say aware. Oh, there we go. Look at that. Oh, yeah, yeah. There he is, courtside with triumph. This is triumph. I don't know if you knew that there, Justin.

Starting point is 00:34:42 Oh, I'm a big fan of triumph. Oh, thank you. And now Leo is fucking a- Oh my God. Oh, thank you and now Leo Oh my god They didn't see Leo they Adam Sandler and Bill Burr the Animated it's for the kids, but it's not thank you buddy. You're not really shades This is it's it's all good. I love this Sandler's doing a character and Burr is just Burr. Exactly.

Starting point is 00:35:06 Sandler is a character. Burr is a burr. I wanted Burr for the movie. He's a bitter old turtle. And Sandler, yeah, Sandler was like, Buddy, I wanna do that Bernie Brillstein voice, buddy. I was like, okay. I pictured Peter Falk, but go ahead.

Starting point is 00:35:22 That was number one in the world, wasn't it? Oh, this movie did amazing. Yeah, this movie did great. Who was the one in the world wasn't it though this movie did Oh, yeah, yeah, who was the voice of the teacher? She was so good which oh the mean teen mean teach Cecily strong Unrecognizable she's one of the best ever she was a game on Monday. That's right. I saw that I'm so scared of Bill Burr I saw him two nights ago, and I'm a huge fan But you know he's prickly and I just went up to him and I go hey Billy goes hey mark What's up, and I go?

Starting point is 00:35:50 Pete Diddy I didn't want to have a little or anything your fear turns you into you get Tourette's yeah I just was like what's in the news, and then he was like huh? I can never tell with him. I know me or not exactly I tell everyone I saw him at the thing the other night And he I guess you asked him to come on the podcast and so out of the gate He goes I can't do the pocket. Yeah, I'll do it next time. I was like, all right cool. I fucked up I'm sorry, but he was in a good mood for a while and then it turned and I was like I could see it coming

Starting point is 00:36:20 I got it's like a hurricane, you know to get out of the way. Yeah I did my night of Too Many Stars benefit, which Sam was very nice to do. That was awesome. In December, but. I think I did too many dead baby jokes. No, you were fucking hilarious. Sorry about that.

Starting point is 00:36:33 Hilarious. Yeah. My favorite line of the whole night was your bit about the sex toy that has commercials, the cheap sex toy that you have to pay for. Oh, that's a great one, yeah. Liberty, liberty, liberty, liberty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:49 That's a great one. Yeah, I say you'll have sex robots, but if you're broke, you're gonna get the ones with ads. Yeah, so fucking great. That's the bit, the fun one. It killed Jon Stewart, he quoted it right after you came on. Oh, I didn't know that. You didn't know that?

Starting point is 00:37:03 No, no. Yeah, yeah, he talked about it. I thought I bom't know that. You made a joke about it. You didn't know that? No, no. Yeah, yeah, he like talked about it. I thought I bombed, so I was hiding after the show. Nah. It's a weird audience, the charity benefits. Oh, sure. A lot of them don't know a guy like you. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:14 But a lot of people told me you were one of their favorite people. Oh, thanks. Yeah, no, he was great. Even the Palestinians? Yeah, the Palestinians. We welcomed the Palestinians. No, they, but Burr used to do it, We welcomed the Palestinians.

Starting point is 00:37:25 But Burr used to do it, and one time he followed Katy Perry singing to an autistic kid. It's like one of the greatest things we ever did on the show, and everybody was in tears. And then ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr. And he killed. He did a hilarious whole segment about Steve Jobs. I remember this. You do? It was on TV. Yeah, it was on Comedy Central.

Starting point is 00:37:49 He did a whole chunk debunking Steve Jobs. New Charger doesn't work on the old one. This is your hero? That was the line? Yeah, it's your fucking hero. That was the biggest laugh. Always eating something pretentious like a pear. I love that line. Yeah. And so he... But after the show, he's like,

Starting point is 00:38:03 yeah, thanks for putting putting me on after that After the whole crying crying thing that was great. That was great And then later it's like I was just busting you balls. Yeah, it's still it's like he's so committed. Yes our balls Yes, and he's he doesn't actor. Yeah, he tell he tells you that he was busting your balls like a week later Yes, exactly exactly He tells you that he was busting your balls like a week later. Yes, exactly exactly No, I think everyone's a little scared to burr I think that's no what he did the voiceovers and I would like come out of the voiceover sessions with him like shook Shook up like do I am I a prick am I like giving him too much direct? No, no, he's a he's a sweet man

Starting point is 00:38:41 Like if Boston was a person yeah Yeah, he's a really sweet guy. He is like if Boston was a person yeah 1980s boss yes, yeah Yeah, Wilman. What's going on with you bad? This is the hotter me. I always say Like the handsome normand he is handsome up close. It was guy Think we look alike road hard put away wet I could see them being brothers really hot a little bit. We should write a single I don't know who to make a choice at the end. Yeah, what are you doing in town? I I did the Today Show today Kelly Clarkson nice

Starting point is 00:39:14 I mean I did magic and shit. He's had one That's Michael fucking house Don't carry their oh Shit cookies I just complained that these cookies are everywhere. They're the best cookies. I can't stop eating them I gotta try we're talking this is what did you really? Eating is where I excel okay We'll take one take a pass this is the show should be called it should be about eating and they might be they might be farting Or something I eat on stage you gotta have that you gotta try that. Oh my god

Starting point is 00:39:50 Jesus Christ this is crazy come on these cookies are insane you order another one Lizzo's gonna show Yeah, so it's more so yeah, I've got a I got this prank show Yeah, April 1st April 1st April fools. It's called the magic prank show very cool aimed at like to go You got to pull up the clip from that I send you from this. It's really cool. Oh Yeah, look at this yeah, yeah pull this up your show is amazing. Yeah, I watch with my wife They're the old one and she's like fingering herself the whole time Because you're a hotter, more successful me. So it's what she wants.

Starting point is 00:40:28 Our wives should, they should talk. Let's swap. Get the best of both worlds. Alright. Because she's like, I wish you were funnier. I get that a lot. Look at this right here. That was a great abortion.

Starting point is 00:40:41 Beautiful. Man. In Texas. How do you, I mean Man. Texas. Yeah. How do you, I mean, oh sorry. Well we come up with jokes and it's, you gotta pull them out of thin air, it's brutal, you know. But how the fuck do you come up with a magic trick?

Starting point is 00:40:53 It's a... You gotta invent those. You kinda have to invent them. Or take a really, really old one. And kind of... Update it. Update your premise. Like turn, you know, the silk to egg is very, very old.

Starting point is 00:41:03 Right. It's like an old kid joke sucker trick. So it's like how the hell do you update that so? Doing it hooked up to a lie detector kind of works. You know oh, so there's some sort of new wrapper to it I love it fresh. Yeah, I'm gonna feel like I'm sure with premises. It's a little bit You know maybe harder to hide an old premise but but yeah, and then figure either figure out what what's what do I want to do a bit about and find a trick for that or start with the trick and and figure out what what how I can make that unique right right now I look I got I hate my wife jokes but that's as old as time you know but we

Starting point is 00:41:38 don't pretend they're jokes you do it hooked up to a lie detector buzzing what's going on women or wives haven't got to a lie detector. It's not buzzing. What's going on? I'm surprised women or wives haven't got on the lie detector train. That would just, I feel like they would buy that. Women should have one of those in the house. I don't want my wife to, but you'd think they would get on board with that. Yeah, I wish, we should cut this out. Yeah, I don't want to give any ideas out there.

Starting point is 00:42:02 No, no, keep it, keep it. Our new sponsor, Merit of the Night. That's coming, that's fucking brilliant. It's coming, write that down. There's an app for that. By the way, Manspread, can you give the guy an in-chair? Jesus Christ, there we go. I'm that guy, I'm so used to this.

Starting point is 00:42:18 Now we can relax. Sorry about that. Thank God Ralphie May wasn't here. Peace. I feel like still alive. Thank God Ralphie May wasn't here. I feel like I keep crossing paths with you guys on the road like ships in the night. Are we? Yeah. You were just there. Yes. Coming, you know. Yeah. Everywhere.

Starting point is 00:42:35 Sometimes they use my poster for you. Yeah. You for me. Yeah, but you're all over the road. I see you everywhere. Yeah, I've been around. You're cooking. Yeah, we're both doing outback shows for you. That's right. Yeah. All right been around. You're good. Yeah, we're both doing outback shows for you. That's right Yeah, all right selling this okay straw onion rings

Starting point is 00:42:48 Outback I get I gotta ask you best SNL sketches you ever did. What do you think's your top? And I'm sorry, I'm like enjoying all of this at the same time. I'm thinking of mean triumph jokes about magician They write themselves look at you you're a regular Harry who gives a shit. Damn. And he says he doesn't write this shit. Count it. Count it. Sorry.

Starting point is 00:43:16 I'll stop. No, no, no. That's all I can. No, no, no. What do you, yeah. Oh, that is the best part of doing it. Like some of the theaters on the road though is when they tell you Houdini's performed there and you're like Houdini Levitated out of the ceiling here and you're like I got like nine new abortion jokes

Starting point is 00:43:31 You know either way something's disappeared What yeah, what are your top SNL because this guy how many years you read for SNL? Oh, man. Well, I wrote that for eight years and then I did cartoons I did the Dana Carvey show in the Conan show Yes, did you see his documentary on Hulu too funny to fail fail? I didn't see it. Yeah, it's crazy You guys went dark the dark the Dana Carvey show yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, well it was like me and Louis CK and Dino Stamatopoulos who was like a family guy guy right um Didn't do family guy family guy. I don't know what the hell he did

Starting point is 00:44:08 Adult swim guy but and then it was yeah, Steve Carell called Steve Carell and Colbert were cast members Charlie Kaufman was a writer Yeah, yeah, yeah, Malcov! Malkovich. Adaptation? Unreal! Is that a sunshine? Yeah! Oh my gosh. Yeah, no, and he barely got anything on it. Ah!

Starting point is 00:44:30 He was not happy. Is that a joke guy? Yeah. No, no, he wrote great stuff, but it was like, we were, believe it or not, trying to stay on the air and do like Regis Philbin bits, and you know, because we started that show Excuse me Wow they might be burping little semen we

Starting point is 00:44:52 Are you gonna do hey you gotta stay in the business We'll get to learn we'll get to learn Michaels later Dana Carvey was like I like it was like such a star then too. Yeah, he was a sketch superstar. Dude, my brother, the two VHS tapes that were replayed a hundred times in our home was Billy Madison and Opportunity Knocks with Dana Carvey. Wow, really?

Starting point is 00:45:19 For whatever reason, that was my brother's favorite movie, so we watched it probably a hundred times. Wow. I fucking loved that movie. I'm gonna tell Dana. Tell him. He's like, wow, somebody liked it? I loved it.

Starting point is 00:45:30 He doesn't perceive it as a success. I had a one night stand with a girl once, and I hadn't watched it in years, and I threw it on, and she was like, this is not a good movie. And I was like, all right, two bad decisions. Sorry, what are you gonna do? Good way to get her to leave. Dana Carvey.

Starting point is 00:45:44 Now we started that first episode with the sketch where he played President Clinton. Oh yeah. He played Bill Clinton and it devolved into him breastfeeding puppies and kittens. Yes. He ate nipples. The milk was shooting.

Starting point is 00:45:57 Yeah and I'm like, I had no idea that home improvement was for kids. I was such a fucking idiot. Wait, do you have the clip of Home Improvement? Pull up the clip of Home Improvement. Oh, that's funny. The emotional episode. There's an emotional episode of Home Improvement.

Starting point is 00:46:12 Yeah, well no, this sort of encapsulated the whole situation. And you guys, and your whole gag was whatever week it was produced by a different sponsor. Yes, we were gonna have a different sponsor, like old time television, there used to be like the Texaco Star Theater, the early. Right. So we, Dana actually had the idea

Starting point is 00:46:31 that it would change every week. So it was like the Taco Bell, Dana Carvey show. Well, Disney bought ABC, right? Disney had just bought ABC. And that fucked you. That helped. It helped? No, it helped fuck us, yeah. Yeah, fucked you. That helped. It helped? No, it helped fuck us.

Starting point is 00:46:46 Yeah. Yeah, oh yeah. No, you're right. It definitely helped fuck us. But yeah, because we had gone in there with this concept that like we're gonna do late night comedy, you know, 1130 standards at 930. Cause NYPD Blue was right after our show

Starting point is 00:47:05 Oh, that had like an you know a mature audience rating or something totally so I was like Can we get one of those for our show and they were like no we want higher ratings No, no no no no it was like, look up, it was like emotional episode. I think you gotta look up Too Funny to Fail, and then there'll be like a promo for it, I think. I don't know about this. It's just a commercial that ran on ABC. Oh, here we go. Okay, here we go.

Starting point is 00:47:39 Yeah. All right, all right. It starts with me talking. That one probably, yeah. Is that Hater? Yes. All right, all right. It starts with me talking. That one probably, yeah. Was that Hater? Yes. I heard about the time slot. I thought, oh, well, maybe it'll be compatible

Starting point is 00:47:54 because Tim Allen's kind of a man's man kind of guy. And it seemed like maybe he's a hip comedian. He'd been busted for cocaine or something. I don't know, his home improvement a little racy maybe, right? I get your point now, Tim. You respect me, huh? I hadn't watched it until about four shows in. I just stopped everything at nine o'clock on a Tuesday and watched it and just watched in horror just not believing

Starting point is 00:48:28 what we had foisted on this audience. A parent's worst fear of losing a child. I don't want to die dad. You never know whose family it will happen to. An episode so powerful it hits home. We beat this thing, no matter what it is you know. I'm not letting anything happen to you. A special home improvement followed by the diet mug rootbeer

Starting point is 00:48:54 Look at these guys laughing Good I love it with no iron well I feel like this is the reverse of this you were on the cleanest show on the planet now You're drinking with a one. Yeah, it all balances out. Yeah, how was Kelly Clarkson? Is that good? She was good Yeah, yeah, she's a really good person to do magic for she oh yeah doesn't want to know doesn't even try like she is a child Yeah, yeah, that's great, and I did a bit where it felt like I might Skewer my hand with us like a like a metal spike. You know it starts off like sweet and innocent It's a ring trick. I'm gonna put the ring on this spike

Starting point is 00:49:26 and cover it up with a cup and then there's six other cups. Can you do a magic trick? I can, yeah. You want me just to describe a trick? I could do it. I could do it. I could do it. I could do it.

Starting point is 00:49:37 Robert, deck of cards has high cards and low cards. Do you choose high or low? I choose high or low? I choose high. I knew it because I predicted high. Not high enough apparently. But you could have easily. Yeah I could have.

Starting point is 00:49:58 You could have, I'm just saying, I don't wanna be a skeptic. Listen, you know. I have a childlike imagination and I don't want to undermine Children who obviously love this show and watch it frequently for Kelly that would have been enough. She would have been that would have been enough Mark of the high cards ten Jack Queen or King let's go Jack Jack now Yes, or no Did we set anything up? We did not we've never met so no no I predicted no

Starting point is 00:50:31 Unbelievable well played well played you know I got another triumph joke in my head hit it So it's like you you read my mind just now. Yeah, then why are you still here? Yeah, then why are you still here? Can't turn I'm glad you're not having to bottle all these up Sam Jack there's clubs hearts spades and diamonds. Do you want club hearts spade or diamond hearts? hearts Okay, no more no more silly stuff Hearts. Hearts. Okay, no more silly stuff. Alright, said hearts.

Starting point is 00:51:07 Inside there is a playing card, one card only. Yeah. Oh wow. I'm just gonna show Sam. Sam, tell him. Wow. Wow. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Holy hell. Oh man. Now is it tough, because you're a funny guy, a magician guy, a good looking guy. Go on. But you gotta be clean. You're out in the world, the clean comedy world. That's a tough. People think, oh magician, I can take my kids to this.

Starting point is 00:51:56 For years, before Magic for Humans came out, I was touring comedy clubs, so I was doing clubs, so I didn't have to worry about kids, so people just assumed it's gonna be for adults. And then when Magic for Humans came out, and when we made the show, Doing clubs so that I didn't have to worry about kids so people just assumed it's gonna be you know for adults and And then when magic for humans came out and when we made the show we kind of I didn't try to make it clean You know like my my head magic producer co-ep magician Stuart McCloud's here like we put some you know We had anal jokes in there. Oh nice heroin jokes. We had like it was on Nickelodeon Puppy play bit you know the guys who dresses puppies you know, sniff each other's asses and stuff. But as long as it ended in a magic trick,

Starting point is 00:52:30 people were like, my kids enjoy this. So I kind of accrued this family audience. So now it's clean. I don't mind it. Instead of selling two tickets to myself. But it wasn't like your act was super vulgar. It wasn't super vulgar. No, it was just a little adult. It was a little adult. It was a little adult.

Starting point is 00:52:46 I like the idea though of doing a really filthy magician act. I've never seen that. Right? Yeah. Was it amazing Jonathan? Was he kind of? Oh, he was filthy. That's a good example.

Starting point is 00:52:55 He was filthy? He was pretty filthy. Really? He was a funny dude. He was a big fan. I liked him. Love him. He would do, you know, a bit where you take out a big old,

Starting point is 00:53:03 like a huge jug of Coke and like a huge huge and then it would just go away. Yeah Gallon a coke. I mean he would he you know hacking through his heart. He would tee I mean he his stuff wouldn't hold up today He would now his assistant he would put playing cards over eyes and staple them to her face Pull up some amazing stuff. Oh my god. He started as a street performer. I believe yeah and Pull up some amazing stuff. Oh my god. He started as a street performer. I believe yeah and Moved his way up, and I saw my Comedy Central is like a ten-year-old me too love his tight It's about his Comedy Central special how does a good-looking guy get into magic? I feel like you do math a lot of magicians. I mean they're like doing it to meet women or something right?

Starting point is 00:53:39 Well yeah, well David why it's kind of like we get tired. Yeah, that's true David Blaine. That's a lot harder guy Hey, was a seedling is yeah, he made player magic sexy kind of he was like a sexy He was talking mysterious. He knew when to shut up most yeah, yeah, he just does a trick and shuts up Yeah, one of my favorite triumphs is what okay? No, no watch this just for laughs Well that woke their ass up, but quick didn't it Sorry. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHH AHHHH A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A Wild really is yeah Steve Burns Yeah, he did and then Ben Berman did one and I introduced Ben to Jonathan I told I told Ben about just that Jonathan had this kind of heart issue that came up. Oh, yeah He was also regularly smoking crystal meth And Jonathan, you know, I think he he like telling the story that his doctor said his body couldn't handle quitting So he just kind of was gonna keep doing it and Ben just was fascinated by this Wow yeah, is he dead he's dead

Starting point is 00:54:50 Okay, I don't know if he but he lived for many many more years and Okay, so crystal meth is health is okay. Yeah, okay if you're a magician David Blaine was like triumphs white whale for many years. Oh, you couldn't get them? Yeah, but then I did. You should look that one up. This is one of my favorite things I ever did was, no, oh, a different David Blaine. That's a spoof.

Starting point is 00:55:13 That's Mikey Day there. Yeah, it's so good. Oh, this is young David Blaine. Oh, there's a parody. It's a parody. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. We went to an outlet store, okay?

Starting point is 00:55:24 You wouldn't have heard of it. It's not trendy yet, nobody knows about it. Where'd you buy it? I bought a green sweater if you wanna know. Okay, I bought a green sweater. Interesting. Are you sure you didn't buy a teddy bear? Yes, I'm sure I did.

Starting point is 00:55:36 Teddy bear, what the F? How did you get it? Where's my face? That's good. I'll just look up Triumph and David Blaine. I wanna see this. This was one of my favorite ones. Cause I finally, I wanted to do him

Starting point is 00:55:51 when he was like in a block of ice. Yes. Desperately I wanted, cause everybody could go right up to his face. Oh, that's perfect. I know, but they were like off that week, so I couldn't do it. So then he did this thing where he was

Starting point is 00:56:03 up in the sky dangling Side gown or something. Yeah, but he kept taking breaks here. Just take a look at this Wait, this isn't it That's not the right one. It's it's it's that's like an outtaker some shit Some fans I phone Conan Classic or whatever. Have you met David? I've met David, I've hung with David Blaine. Yeah, me too.

Starting point is 00:56:29 He's a cool guy. He's really nice, yeah. Really nice. Yeah, very good sport. Yeah, how could he not be? Yeah. That's his best endearment stunt. Okay.

Starting point is 00:56:41 How hard was it to get people to look at Triumph's eyes and not your eyes? Good question. That's a very good question. It's, I don't tell people what to do, but it's always an interesting way of judging someone's level of commitment or professionalism. Like yeah, celebrities too, like the ones who look at me

Starting point is 00:57:02 or the ones who look at Triumph are like, you can tell they're the ones who are more in on the joke and willing to play. And then you'll get somebody like, you know, Ted Cruz. Well actually Ted Cruz was, he thought that he was gonna top Triumph, it was very sad. Oh no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had some comebacks?

Starting point is 00:57:21 Yeah, oh yeah, he was, he invited me up to talk to him. He had writers. It was really sad. You, he was, he invited me up to talk to him. He had writers. I was really satisfied. You put this up all the way to the end. Roast battle. He had Charlie Kaufman in there. No, not this one. The one that says Beto O'Rourke.

Starting point is 00:57:34 Oh, how did you get Beto? He's a fun guy to roast a bit. Oh yeah. So all the way toward the end is when I finally got Ted Cruz. Did he at least laugh? He laughed, yeah actually. Not only did he laugh, but he high-fived me

Starting point is 00:57:46 and I cut it out of the piece because I didn't want that to be a meme. Ah! I didn't want that up his group plane. But I give him credit for playing along. Yes, yes, I give him credit too. No, he admitted that, no, he was cool. He was like, you got me, you got me.

Starting point is 00:58:00 That's hilarious. That's great. That's a great fucking line. That was, I was a little bit of a softball. I think if I hadn't come up with that, I would turn in my triumph card. No, that was a better zing than you're giving it. That was perfect timing and you got him good. That's crazy, a security guard is pushing Triumph away.

Starting point is 00:58:17 I know, it was no. Or is he petting? He's not petting. I give myself the most credit for that. Just, it was a very tense, like everybody hated me. Everybody around Ted Cruz was just looking at me with, and no one was giving me anything laugh-wise. Right.

Starting point is 00:58:31 You know, so I was like. He is even. No, he is, and I'm just hoping that this'll play funny for the Colbert audience, that's all I would care. Killed it. What, who is an asshole that you've roasted? Who is a prick? Not many, honestly, they've all. Have you been attacked? Who was a prick? Not many, honestly.

Starting point is 00:58:45 They've all. Have you been attacked? Yes, a couple of times. Michael Vick? No, no, not by celebrities, but like, it's interesting. Like when I first went to Trump rallies, they were kind of nice, and then when he got inaugurated, then it was sort of like, fuck you, we won,

Starting point is 00:59:04 and like, it's our turn now. And there were like three different people who, two people like just pulled my cigar out of, pulled Triumph's cigar out and broke it like right in front of me. I tell you now you're doing a good job though when they're attacking the puppet. Right.

Starting point is 00:59:20 No, that's true, that's true. And then there was one, but then there was one biker who was just like, who the fuck's wrong with you, man The fuck out of here and another biker just calms him down, bro, bro. It's all it's cool. It's just a pop through Yeah That and the Michael Jackson fans were the angriest in me. I went to the Michael Jackson trial in 2005 I think You know the big trial Wow up for molesting all these kids.

Starting point is 00:59:48 Artists of the year he was up for? Yeah, artists of the year. Those cookies are insane. Oh, they're so good. And these kids were all dressed like clowns. They all wore these wacky outfits. So it was hilarious. They were just dressed ridiculously,

Starting point is 01:00:04 but they were furious at me. Just didn't wanna talk to me, then I was saying stuff like, I understand, you want to maintain your dignity. It looked so ridiculous. But then it like took, we had to stay an extra day and like come back the second day and give them lemonade because it was really hot and kind of wear them out.

Starting point is 01:00:24 And some of them were willing to finally talk to Triumph and let me do my jokes. Yeah. It was nuts. Man, you're going on a battlefield. I mean, it's a lot of fire in there. That's a tough one. I commend you because it's hard to think on your feet

Starting point is 01:00:36 in that tense situation. Yeah, yeah. But like I said, I do have writers and they help me with jokes and shit. That Ted Cruz one was improvised. And I'll give myself credit for doing that under duress. I will say that. There you go, there you go.

Starting point is 01:00:51 I gotta ask you an awkward question there, Will.Me. Yeah, we're at Will.Me level. What's up, Normie? Well, I'm a Magic fan. I've been watching Magic my whole life. Woody Allen did Magic, as did Steve Martin. Orson Welles. Steve Martin for a long time. Epheser's fake, yeah. Oh yeah. Arsenio Hall? Really? Magic my whole life, you know, what he Allen did magic Martin Orson Welles

Starting point is 01:01:06 Yes, oh, yeah, I said, you know, huh really Yeah, I didn't know that David Copperfield. Yeah Never heard of them. All right Magic is great, but I think it kicks up a notch around Black people am I wrong? You're not wrong. Thank you!

Starting point is 01:01:31 I mean, that should be, I guarantee you there's a montage on YouTube of black people reacting to magic because it's so fucking awesome and it's so much funnier. Jesus H. Oh, is that really? Oh, come on! Your algorithm gets you. I have the same kind of theory as horror movies same kind of world. Yeah I guess so. Yeah I guess so. They're way more fun with black people. Yes a hundred percent. There's a lot more movement, a lot more running. Talking to the... That guy ran away! Did you see it?

Starting point is 01:02:08 I mean come on! This is amazing! Alright, ready? Sacramento or something about comedy? No, just doing some magic. Hahaha, I mean I'm not trying to get offensive here, I'm just saying it's a real stereotype. It's so funny, so this girl who works for me, she like my production manager, and she told me she goes I should tell you She's like I took an uber home from LAX and the guy was asking me what I do I was like I'm a magician and she's like and then he got really racist. He said magician

Starting point is 01:02:35 Oh black people love magic. She said this to me all concerned and whispery, and I was like yeah. He's right Yeah, they do I mean everybody everyone loves magic, but black people are not afraid to show their joy Yes, and now I mean I'm not generalizing a hundred percent. I'm sure 75% yeah that's a 5% racist, but it's like when they do the black people of chicken. I'm like I love chicken Yeah, we all like chicken. Who doesn't like chicken. Yeah, the racial things like chicken watermelon I'm like who doesn't love chicken and watermelon great both great grape soda great fast food Popeyes yeah comedy seller party Tuesday oh yeah and it's it's catered by Popeyes cuz we all love Popeyes can't go I think a little Nicky when he's like blown away by

Starting point is 01:03:17 yeah yeah it always drives me crazy when critics say Adam Sandler's using product placement no every time there was a purpose to the joke that either this character likes Popeyes or Subway commercials in Happy Kilmore. There's always a reason for it and people are like, no, he's just trying to make money. There's no money in this. No, no, that was pre-Pedophilia too, the Subway.

Starting point is 01:03:40 That was Popeye's. Pre-Jarred. Pre-Jarred. I have Jared cell number believe it get the fuck out of here I use Jared and a triumph special oh no yeah yeah my come poop with me album has a DVD from said interviews yeah I interviewed Jared from subway and the Dell dude yeah at the same time you're lucky try wasn't a puppy the Dell dude was a magician the del dude was a magician and look at him cut look at him now

Starting point is 01:04:08 Yeah, any any magician few he's a sweet guy Ben Curtis. He's a magic beef. Yeah, there's some good magic. Oh really I Mean magicians love heaven be I mean it's probably the same in comedy Oh, yeah, but in magic it's a little more spiteful I think there are so few like tricks magicians love to get very possessive about oh, that's my trick or even if it's an old trick That's how I do it you know right and there's no room for the the open-mindedness of it Maybe somebody else thought of something similar so they like to have beef Yeah, how do people did Penn and Teller have a lot of people who support them? Penn and Teller used to be hated by magicians. Right, because they would break the code.

Starting point is 01:04:47 Yeah, Penn and Teller would love talking about how- How they did it. How stupid magicians are and how they did it. So they would reveal how they did it, which I always found more entertaining because then you really appreciate what goes into this. And they only just give you the little tip of the iceberg you know they can't reveal They didn't reveal every tree, and then they would still fool you

Starting point is 01:05:08 Yeah, it's so funny like the the arc of their career now. You know Penn and Teller fool us They're like these well-regarded You know gods of yeah, Jack who magicians look magicians are late to come around to like anyone who's doing it differently people magicians Hated David Blaine at first really they were like were like, he's just doing store bought tricks, I can buy that quarter. Ah. They were blind to the fact that he's, you know, connecting with people in a different way.

Starting point is 01:05:31 Right, right. People always get nervous about the new guy who's bending the rules. Exactly. But, you know. What about, I think we can all agree we hate Criss Angel. No. I actually don't know anything about him.

Starting point is 01:05:42 I don't either. I hear he's a very nice guy actually It's the kind of thing triumph would be all yeah, I admit that yeah one time I performed in Las Vegas and I got Lance Burton and Penn and Teller to come on. Who's Lance Burton? Oh, he's like the most famous. He was my childhood hero. Oh, sorry love tuxedoed magician. Pull him up. Or there's Triumph with Penn and Teller, if you wanna. This guy. Lance Burton.

Starting point is 01:06:11 Familiar? Not really. No, he's really much better known in Las Vegas. Okay. But Penn said, make fun of his hair. He uses a flow-bee. He told me. What's a flow-bee?

Starting point is 01:06:22 You don't remember a flow-bee? It was that weird machine. Back you clean your thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, ball cut your hair like uniform. told me. What's a flowbee? You don't remember a flowbee? It was that weird machine. Back in cleaner things. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Cut your hair like uniform. Roomba for the head. Yeah, it was like a Roomba for the head, exactly. Okay.

Starting point is 01:06:33 So I went for it and it was quite embarrassing. So he didn't like it? He was cool with it, but it was, yeah, there you go, flowbee, flowbee. What the fuck? It just. It pulls your hair up and cuts it as it pulls it up. As it pulls it up.

Starting point is 01:06:46 So it's like this uniform. Don't mistake that for your flesh light. Oh. Oh. Circumcision. Damn, floby, okay. Weird. Clooney uses a floby.

Starting point is 01:06:59 There you go. I didn't see that coming. Damn. I've got a nerdy SNL question that I would love to ask Robert. I'm curious, what's your favorite sketch that never made the air? Never made the air? Yeah, maybe just got cut for time, maybe first dip in.

Starting point is 01:07:13 I have such a shitty memory of this stuff, but I don't know, there's one that Dana Carvey posted a couple, like a year ago, there was a really intricate sketch that we did at dress rehearsal where Charlie Chaplin, it was a, he played Charlie Chaplin, and it was, in the 80s there was this documentary where they found all this lost footage of Chaplin, the master, at work.

Starting point is 01:07:40 And let's watch Chaplin in between takes, and he was very bossy and control freaky, which I can relate to, but he was like really angry at people. But anyway, this was a sketch where, so I had like in every take, watch his mind at work. And so it starts out with like,

Starting point is 01:07:59 he's nothing like Chaplin. He's dressed in a completely different way, and he's sitting at a table at a bar, and then John Lovitz comes out as like the waiter, and he's got all the fucking Chaplin shit on him, and then like take by take you just see Charlie Chaplin steal from the waiter. His entire persona.

Starting point is 01:08:18 Yes, and by the end he's exactly his famous persona. Oh, that's fun. But it's never acknowledged that he's stealing. But he's walking ridiculously. Right. This is seven Bs, right, Sam? Yeah, and then. No.

Starting point is 01:08:37 Yeah. Oh, maybe you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway. Ah, the mustache. Anyway, I've given away the premise, so it's not so much fun to watch. So, I found a skit, it took me five minutes to find this.

Starting point is 01:08:52 It's one of my favorite skits. Oh yeah? It was Sabra Prices Right, I think it's been scrubbed from the internet. Oh, they know, they're about to put it back. I know exactly why that happened. Why? It's because of the music rights.

Starting point is 01:09:04 We used a song by Donna Summer that costs too much. I know exactly why that happened. Why? It's because of the music rights. We used a song by Donna Summer that costs too much. So they're putting in- Should we not play this? You can play it because- Are we gonna get- We're gonna tank. No, no, no, it's on the internet.

Starting point is 01:09:15 Okay. Hey Tommy. So this is where the you don't mess with the Zohan kind of came from. Ooh. Oh wow, look at that. That was on TV. That's a funny movie.

Starting point is 01:09:24 Yeah. Hey,, look at that. That was on TV. That's a funny movie. The Summit Clock Radio from Summit is good. Who can tell me the correct price for the Clock Radio? You. I'll guess $25. What what what all right, come on up. You, you, you. It doesn't seem like, what's it worth? Well, it's worth over 200. I sell it for less, you see. Okay, 75. Oh, this is an insult, insult. Okay, you, you. So it's more than $75.

Starting point is 01:09:50 Yes, yes, and look, it is $150. And how about 80 bucks? All right, all right, all right, 80 dollars. Go on and sell it. Nice clock, right? It's worth $75. Okay, so I'm going to sell it for $75. Okay, so I'm going to sell it for $75.

Starting point is 01:09:58 Okay, so I'm going to sell it for $75. Okay, so I'm going to sell it for $75. Okay, so I'm going to sell it for $75. Okay, so I'm going to sell it for $75. Okay, so I'm going to sell it for $75. Okay, so I'm going to sell it for $75. Okay, so I'm going to sell it for $75. Okay, so I'm going to sell it for $75. Okay, so I'm going to sell it for $75. Okay, so I'm going to sell it for $75. Okay, so I'm going to sell it than $75. Yes. Yes. I look at least $150 and how about 80 bucks? Alright, alright, alright

Starting point is 01:10:14 Who's your favorite To write for it Tom Hanks actually. Oh really? He's just the greatest guy it's like it's such a boring answer because because it's Tom Hanks and everybody loves him, but He actually helped save my career because like my first week Well, I started there in and the first five weeks I got one sketch on with Madonna actually the very first show I did and then like I had four weeks in a row of Nothing, I guess I was writing two weird stuff and pre-taped things and Lorne Michaels wasn't into it then Tom Hanks came on and he was, I just thought he could do a really good Seinfeld so I wrote a sketch with three comedians who are all kind of Seinfeld

Starting point is 01:10:53 rip-offs. I've seen this. Yeah and they're just they all talk the same way what's the deal? They're just having a conversation backstage. No then... Damon Wayans is in it. Yes, Damon Wayans and John Lovett and Tom Hanks. Yes. And it kept me from being fired, I think. Really? Pretty sure, because it was the hit of that night. And then Jerry hosted like seven years later

Starting point is 01:11:13 and I wrote a game show version of it called Stand Up and Win, which was funnier. It was with Carvey and Sandler and Schneider as contestants. I remember that. It was like, what's theler and Schneider as contestants. I remember that. It was like, what's the deal with Oprah? She's fat, she's skinny, that one? Yeah, yeah. And all the answers were like, it was like a Jeopardy thing, but all the answers were

Starting point is 01:11:33 like rhetorical stand-up comedy kind of questions. Oh no, go before the Gillian's Island one. That's too... There's like a... Contestants, thanks for making it. Are you ready to play? Yes, we are ready to play. Okay, hands up. There's like a... Justin, thanks for making it. Are you ready to play?

Starting point is 01:11:46 Yes, I'm ready to play. Okay, hands on... This is one of my favorite stuff. Here's our opening question. What's the deal with airplane food? Billy? I know, could this stuff taste any worse? It's like thanks, but no thanks.

Starting point is 01:12:02 I'm still stuffed from that huge bag of smoked almonds. That's good. That's worth $100. Is that actual Jerry material? No, no. We wrote new shit. That's not a stand-up bit, dude. A bad version of Jerry could have done that.

Starting point is 01:12:20 Bad comedian. He's gotta hand it to the Jare man. No, he had a self-awareness. Yeah, I love that. And he understood that it was like a lower version of what he wrote. Of course, of course. But I admit when I wrote the first one, I didn't have the same respect for him that I got later.

Starting point is 01:12:37 Like I was still into my, like my heroes were Steve Martin, Andy Kaufman, like the people who were kind of tearing apart stand up. Albert Brooks. Albert Brooks. Albert Brooks, Letterman. But then I kind of got past that stage and kind of realized how hard it is to write great jokes and make great observations,

Starting point is 01:12:55 even in a traditional stand-up format. And by the time I wrote this sketch, I totally worshiped Jerry and his show especially, man. Oh, for sure, the show's amazing. I've been watching Taxi Before Bed, it's a good wind down show. Man, Andy Kaufman's so funny on that show. Oh yeah. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:13:14 You should watch Andy Kaufman. When he was on Saturday Night Live, he was a guest in the 70s a lot. He did the Mighty Mouse. He did the Mighty Mouse, which everybody knows, but then he did another one where he played the foreign guy that ended up being on Taxi, but he did it in a way that was so fucking,

Starting point is 01:13:34 it's the hardest I'd ever laughed in my life up to that moment. That's why I remember it. Yes. Pull it up. I don't know if you have it, it's him doing Foreign Man on Saturday Night Live. If it's out there, he will not find it.

Starting point is 01:13:48 He's doing inept impressions of people in his Foreign Man character, and then he starts crying, and I don't wanna ruin beyond that. SNL had some balls, it was so experimental, and they found interesting comedy, I feel like, all of a sudden, it doesn't have the balls in it. They don't have stand-ups anymore at all But Andy wasn't like as big as those guys yeah when he did this

Starting point is 01:14:15 But like Norm MacDonald discovered him here is a stand-up comedian, but they would put him in the weekend update They'd put him in as Letterman or Larry King Yeah, it was so fucking funny. Almost Tarantino, because he was kind of bad at it. No, his Tarantino was amazing. I know, but he wasn't like a trained actor, you know, or like a Will Ferrell. But I mean, I think now it's all political.

Starting point is 01:14:38 Everything- It's all political! What the fuck? Comedy's really, ever since 9-11, I think. No! Yeah, yeah. I think think is later than that. I think 9-eleven made everybody the stakes just became higher. I think it's social media I think now it's been I I'm saying exponentially you're right. Yes now it's increased even more with social now What you do is not political No, we try to avoid that too. I think no no there's an audience for for what you do without a doubt

Starting point is 01:15:06 I'm just saying like all the late night shows are incredibly they lean in too hard Yeah, they lean in really hard and it's all the same joke after a while. We got it Well, it becomes like an echo chamber. Yeah, like John Stewart Did you have you seen any of his? A little bit. Yeah, so he goes on the first. But he's getting shit for this. Yes, that's what was so great. No, well here's what happened. So the first Daily Show, he comes on and he dares to suggest that maybe they're not doing

Starting point is 01:15:32 the best job proving that Joe Biden is fit for office. Yes, yes. They didn't have him do a Super Bowl interview, they had him do some really silly, silly question and answer thing. First time in history, by the way, the president has not done that is that true yes It's fucked up. Yeah, so talk about these things so then he got so fucking attacked for daring to suggest

Starting point is 01:15:53 You know there's too much at stake. You can't do that But then the next week his ratings were even higher Which proves that like you walk through the fire people are yeah It would be nice to have nuance in political comedy Well, the people have you know, I think what you're saying is right But then people become so used to just hearing their echo chamber that you're right They're shocked that someone would dare to maybe question Yeah, that's something on their side is this idea that political comedy has to be used as a weapon to try to elect people instead of just being political comedy.

Starting point is 01:16:28 Yes, well we've done a thing now where you kind of can't say anything anymore, but comics still can. So I think people gravitate towards comics to be like, say it, say it. Or I get that all the time, speak out on this. I'm like, I'm a fucking comedian. I'm a clown. Speak out. I got your thoughts on Jizz. Leave me alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, speak out. I got on jizz Leave me alone best material. Thank you

Starting point is 01:16:51 But that's you you that must be nice for you. That's good I did try to do political magic at one point I did a Comedy Central pilot where I was it was kind of like a Colberry approach like a little bit You know kind of well actually a little bit more like naively exploring both sides like i i built trump's wall and walked through it that's funny copperfield's walking through the great wall of china so into a trump rally and was like all right let me prove that this is see if it's a good idea or not yeah that's great and people uh the people obviously the people who are who hate trump loved it but everyone who loves magic but just also you know doesn doesn't doesn't like the jabbing at their favorite guy Like just I am no longer a fan. Yeah, no exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Sorry you lost me. Yeah. Yeah month later

Starting point is 01:17:34 I'm like you're still following me I'm following you now. Yes, didn't you they never it's like when they go I'm moving to Canada if he wins You know, I'm gonna get a Jimmy Kimmel or whatever. You're still here. But you know, we're so tribal now and we've always been tribal. It's human nature, blah blah. But it never felt tribal this much with Republican Democrat. It felt tribal with like men versus women, black versus white, rich versus poor, whatever. And now it's all political. Right. And it's strange. But sometimes you still hit and they're like if you go to like Appleton, Wisconsin or something I feel like that's like a city where they still keep their political beliefs to themselves. Yes. Yeah, you know what I mean? There's some cities and you're like, oh, yeah, there was a time where people did that

Starting point is 01:18:12 It was like rude to do that now. It's like part of your fucking Twitter bio I know it's part of your identity I was I did this show that the special that let's make a poop special in San Francisco And I had Schneider on, and there were people who didn't want me to book Schneider. And they actually, it ended up being a surprise guest. They didn't want a bill that Schneider was gonna be one of our guests.

Starting point is 01:18:34 They thought people would boycott it or something. Yeah, it's too well. But then when he came on, he got a reasonable amount of applause, he didn't get boos, and I hit him pretty hard, hard enough that people were satisfied. Sure. You know?

Starting point is 01:18:48 Also, he's an old friend of yours too. It's like, that's the other guy. Oh yeah, I'm not gonna. People were like, he was like, yeah, that's like an old friend. Like, what do you mean? Yes. So I shouldn't be in touch with friends?

Starting point is 01:18:57 Right. Willman's queueing on, we still hanging. Yeah. Yeah. I thought his magic episode at the Capitol was great. Yeah. Yeah. He went through the Capitol steps.

Starting point is 01:19:09 Yeah. Pelosi's laptop disappeared. Oh my God, you hear a tell, by the way, we do wrecks on here. I think we both wrecked David Tell's new Netflix special. Yeah. He had a line that killed me where he said, he always looks like he's one of the QAnon people.

Starting point is 01:19:23 But I know what, I have a real January 6th look. Yes. He goes, but I'm a Biden man, Hunter Biden. No. Just, that's a great fucking Biden switch. The king. Yeah. And it's no left and right can both laugh at that. His whole. At that.

Starting point is 01:19:39 His whole hour. His whole hour that he put out is so funny, I thought. It was the only special I've ever watched where you're like man. I wish this was longer. You know you're watching something like Oh, I gotta see you. You haven't seen I haven't seen Michael you're gonna jizz. That's a sad how we had we cut this now. Oh You cut the part where I I guess fuck it or leave it keep the hotel shit. Give me a tells you be a tell I love Dave and he yeah, he's and he's in a good mood for a day and a half

Starting point is 01:20:18 Call me seemingly happy. So he's one of the nicest guys sweet business to you must have known him for I've known him for years I I guessed it on the gong show like 20 years ago when he hosted it for Comedy Central. I was triumphant. And when I left, comes up to me, he knew about my autistic charity, and he says, what's the name of the company? What's the name of the charity? And I tell him it's Next for Autism, and he just like pulls out a checkbook

Starting point is 01:20:41 and writes a $5,000 check and hands it to me. That's how he is. What a mensch. Yeah. He's a great guy. He's a checkbook and writes a $5,000 check and hands it to me. That's how he is. What a mensch. He's a great guy. He's a great guy and he's One autistic to another. I watched a few minutes of him on you, on your show, and the only thing I didn't understand was

Starting point is 01:20:58 the headband under the I don't get it either. It's like I understand the concept of an old Jew wanting to cover up their Martian hairline, and that's like I understand the concept of an old Jew wanting to cover up their you know Martian hairline Sure, that's what I have the hat on but he has like a headband under the hat Yes, I'm like is that how it works you the uglier we get Gonna be covered all in black in a week or so. Did you see Seinfeld commented on his Instagram and wrote? How cold was it in there?

Starting point is 01:21:24 Yeah, but I don't think Dave would like that Yeah, so would you guys have Rex is there anything that you recommend could be anything like doesn't have to be a Special a movie a book any anything that I recommend something, but it's not really what your audience Throw it out there. So there's this musical on Broadway Has everybody tuned out it's called Kimberly akimbo it won the Tony last year and it's closing at the end of this month and the end of August excuse me at the end of April that one blue moon got me man yeah I tell Jews can't hold it's really good it's amazing it's fucking amazing.

Starting point is 01:22:06 Funny or what? It's hilarious but it's also really touching. People think it's gonna be sad because it's about a woman who has progeria, I think it's called, where you age rapidly. Oh! And so she's like a 63 year old actress playing a 16 year old.

Starting point is 01:22:22 Oh fuck. But I'm telling you, it's really funny and her parents are like really. Holy shit. It's real, huh? Yeah, it's real. She doesn't look like that. That kid's probably 14 and you look like you're 90.

Starting point is 01:22:38 Kinda good. No, that woman in the middle is like 60 or whatever. But anyway, it's an amazing show. I don't know what to tell you. Okay, great. It's a Broadway musical, right? But if you can get past that It's closing in a month so but I just want people to see it cuz they'll be grateful. All right Well, so is this podcast? Yeah, we're about on the way out. about I got a rag I don't normally recommend Magic shows I don't recommend no, but I saw a magic show

Starting point is 01:23:12 last night in New York City is called speakeasy magic and it's a Really cool experience people always think our magic castle. That's like a cool place to go see magic. This is this is You I don't want to spoil too much, but it's basically it's like a cool place to go see magic. This is, I don't wanna spoil too much, but it's basically, it's like a magic gang bang. You go to this cool table, you're at a cool table with your friends and it's like, an incredible magician after magician comes sits at the table. It's like a kind of a speakeasy vibe.

Starting point is 01:23:35 It's a very strange secret entrance that you go in and yeah, hosted by Todd Robbins, who's like a sideshow, MC extraordinaire. And it was cool like if you're looking for a cool magic thing to do in New York City I think I've been there wait. Where is this? He used to be at the McKittrick hotel, which is where they did sleep no more Now it's in the what's that thin building the Flatiron yeah flatiron district. Okay, but was it used to be it was a mickitric on what used to be in the maturity. Yeah in that hotel Yeah, yeah, I took my kids there. Oh you did. Yeah, yeah, right really cool. Yeah, really cool really great magician

Starting point is 01:24:18 Some magic yeah, but when they do the Japanese with the with the shrimp and they flip it. Hibachi. It's like a Benihana of magic. They come to your table. Yeah, you open your mouth. I gotta recommend, I saw the Carlos Santana dock. It's good. On a flight, you know.

Starting point is 01:24:37 And I'm not, I remember the huge biggest Santana fan, I mean he rips it on the guitar, but the old stories of him in the 60s as a young guitar player, Mexican kid trying to make it in San Francisco going to the Fillmore and opening for the Birds and the fucking Blood, Sweat and Tears and all that, incredible. And there's a scene where he goes, he gets Woodstock, his agent gets him Woodstock, he's like 22 years old, he's freaking out. I got Woodstock, the biggest gig on the planet. I'm freaking out. And he goes, he's a nervous kid. He goes up to the Grateful Dead and all these, the who, all these giant acts and he goes,

Starting point is 01:25:13 guys, I'm Carlos, I don't wanna bother you. Just wondering when I'm going on. And they're all smoking weed and they're all hippie dippy and they go, well, you're going on before us. We're going on at midnight, so you got plenty of time. It's two in the afternoon. So they go, you might as well take some acid us. We're going on at midnight, so you got plenty of time. It's two in the afternoon. So they go, you might as well take some acid. And he goes, I've never taken acid.

Starting point is 01:25:28 I've never done a drug in my life. And they go, eh, take some acid. It's Woodstock. And he goes, well, it's two. Probably won't go on until 10. I'll throw some acid down, whatever. So he guzzled a vial of acid. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:25:41 He starts tripping instantly. He's like, oh my god, this is insane. And they go, Santana, you're on. He's got the day gig. So he has to go up there. And he talks about, this is the scene. This is the footage of him on acid. And he said he felt like his guitar was a snake.

Starting point is 01:25:58 And the neck was trying to eat him. So he has to play the notes right or it'll eat him. And he's in fear for his life right now in front of you know 50 80,000 people whatever the fuck it is and It was just such a cool story and I was just on the plane like fist-pumping Because he's like 21 right here. So good. He's so good But yeah that damn that was just a cool scene and you can feel it when you watch the scene like

Starting point is 01:26:26 oh man they're all tripping out and just the love and the vibes and the passion and the whole thing. Yeah. What a time. Panicking. I got a wreck too. I got a wreck as well. Past guest on the pod, Sam Talent.

Starting point is 01:26:39 I'm embarrassed I never read his book. Oh! Running the Light, amazing book about a novel about a standup comic, it's insane. What's his name? Running the Light. He takes some real risks in this book and they pay off, it's awesome. It's about a road dog in like the 80s

Starting point is 01:26:55 and just doing the road and blow and hookers and the whole thing. And just like a piece of shit guy, but like, but you feel for him. And yeah, it's just like them it felt like the most realistic run of a guy doing hell gigs yes yes yeah this is what it's like and a guy giving into being like kind of a road hack and right what you have to do to survive and you lose that artistic muscle and yeah it

Starting point is 01:27:18 was really cool it was a really funny but also fucking sad too but sad story a bunch of comics did the foreword for the audiobook, or not the foreword, each comic read a chapter. I read one and I read it so poorly that I didn't get in. Really, they redid it? We must've done a bad job because my mom told me she tried to start the audiobook for this

Starting point is 01:27:39 and she goes, whoever read it did a really bad job. You must've been fucking terrible. I didn't wanna do it so I was speeding through it. So I was like, yeah, then on a Thursday night, I went to Chicago and, yeah, yeah, I'll be there. He didn't put me in. You gotta bring it with these audio. So don't get the audio book.

Starting point is 01:27:58 No. Get the book. Actually read the book. That's another thing. Shout out to anyone who could do a good job reading an audio book. It makes such a difference. You to anyone who could do a good job reading an audiobook. It makes such a difference. You ever listen to an audiobook

Starting point is 01:28:07 and the person's awesome at it? Yes. It's like, goddamn, I was just reading about a guy, I don't know why, but it said like, at least one of the ways if you read a lot, it'll help combat dementia. And then I'm looking at this guy, he's like, does a ton of audiobooks,

Starting point is 01:28:20 because he's reading the audiobook for this book I was listening to. Fucking dies of dementia. That guy reads for a living. Okay, well that puts that to bed. That freaks me the fuck out. So it causes dementia. I guess it does.

Starting point is 01:28:32 Yeah. So stop reading. You know, Biden was in a book club. Uh oh. Wow, look at that. Look at that guy. That's a great promo right there. Iraq.

Starting point is 01:28:44 Yeah, check out Justin's new show on guy. That's a great promo right there. My rec. Yeah, check out Justin's new show on Netflix. That's very exciting, man. Yeah, I watched every episode of the other show. Thanks, man. Loved it, killer. It's called The Magic Prank Show. Called The Magic Prank Show.

Starting point is 01:28:55 We basically, it's like, pranks by request. Fantastic. Late COVID, I posted on my Instagram, anyone want any, if you could have a magician's help pranking someone in your life, who would it be and why? And just inspired by those real replies, I was like, this is a show. I love it.

Starting point is 01:29:09 We did it. And your tricks are so damn creative and original. Thank you. Really impressive stuff. Yeah, everything I've seen is awesome, man. Definitely check it out. And watch Leo on Netflix. Watch Leo.

Starting point is 01:29:21 Whether or not you have kids, it's awesome. Thank you. But more urgently, since Leo's already a hit, Triumphs, Let's Make a Poof. Oh, there you go. Trust me. Too political for me. Trust me. No, no, no, no, no.

Starting point is 01:29:36 That was like the only political joke, the one with. I'm just kidding. No, no, Weird Al Yankovic, we make a lot of fun of Weird Al. We make up song parodies that Weird Al never wrote. And pretend that he wrote them and compliment him on them. It's like, yeah, my favorite thing is is when Triumph is incredibly passive aggressive

Starting point is 01:29:58 in his insults. That's like the ultimate. All right, worst SNL host. Biggest asshole, hated, can't stand. You know what, I'm really, one of my big regrets at SNL is that I was not there the week Steven Seagal. Whoa, you missed that? Yeah, I was doing, I was right,

Starting point is 01:30:17 I think Conan and I were away doing Look Well, the Adam West pilot that we did many years ago because we were Adam West freaks. But yes, everybody, every story I heard about that guy was beyond anything I'd ever experienced with any other host. I've heard the same about him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:30:37 Well, what about you, Justin? I feel like you've reached the mountaintop. You're a magician, you're all over Netflix, you're on the road. You're doing theaters What's next? What's that? I mean, I hate when people ask that cuz you're killing it So we should enjoy the now but where do you go from here? I mean, you know, it's like It's kind of just about putting butts in seats Like all the TV stuff is really just about planting those seeds so you can kind of keep doing

Starting point is 01:31:05 the live shows forever. Yeah, yeah, and talk about, we write a joke, once you've heard the joke, the surprise is ruined. You're not gonna come back. You got it even worse. It's, yeah. You gotta come up with shit all the time. I mean, I get maybe one second shot at it

Starting point is 01:31:19 when people will bring people to watch them see it for the first time. Right. So it's like watching someone unwrap a gift. You know what it is, but you're so excited to see how they're gonna react to it. And then, so it's two hits and then I'm done. But I wanna do a live special,

Starting point is 01:31:34 like a stand-up special this year. I mean like Jonathan, as a kid I grew up watching Amazing Jonathan's Comedy Central special, so I feel like it's got to get Robbie Pratt Netflix to take the bait. Oh, they'll do it. You know can we be proud is that who you yeah? Or maybe maybe he's a big fan of yours. Maybe we just tell him. I'm you doing magic Yeah, we'll be on the edge of a building. They don't know who to shoot Can we get a lot of tricks with jizz? I'm gay, that's the trick trick car Michael already did that one

Starting point is 01:32:10 Can we get one more trick before we wrap you know up? I mean we got a magician here for Christ's sake We watched 38 hours of triumph Can't have too much triumph Mark because people always said that they've never seen the two of us in the same room at the same time and now they have I think I it's time for me to teach you a trick. Oh Wait, all right This is it and this is the first trick I ever learned as a kid uses big cards, but I did it as a kid they were normal

Starting point is 01:32:39 Yeah, but they felt big as a kid. So I'm gonna makes me feel uh Feel nostalgic here. It's a spelling trick watch so I spell a C E I get an ace right it's an it's an easy trick here, okay? Tw. Oh, I get a two right it's it you see just T. H. R. E E get a three three so mark you got that okay? Take it and just one cut do a few four so one from the top to the bottom do I spell anything? Yes, it's about four. Oh, you oh, so sorry. Yeah, so F. Oh You are and then turn over the next card should be top card show them the four no what okay?

Starting point is 01:33:18 Hold on dyslexic here. Maybe you miss here. It's just F. Oh You are Here's maybe you miss here. It's just F. Oh you are Four four okay, Samuel. Yeah, you want to do what it do want to try so I'm doing five five yeah, F. I V E yeah, show me five nailed it. That's great. That's great I'm to realize I couldn't spell you want to try six mark you can trust it. I could do six This is the I acts you got okay

Starting point is 01:33:46 s I x boom Mark is just imagine I Six you know what here? Sevens by lucky now try seven you got this. There's a lot of little letters here. S-E-V-E-N-word. Okay, you ready? Uh-huh.

Starting point is 01:34:16 Go! Come on. What are you doing to me? Sam, will you do seven? Can you try seven here? You got this. S-E-V-E-N. Show him seven. Will you do seven you try seven here you got this? E V E And show them seven yeah very good

Starting point is 01:34:31 Very good you want to do eight. I'm literally a mark eight all right Okay I G H T nailed it made show it to the ten of slip this room gonna be E I G H T Can you can you do nine? Ahh, okay.

Starting point is 01:35:08 Alright, Hitler. N-I-N-E! Niner! Come on! What are you doing to me? N-I-N-E! Nine, nine, mark ten 10 you got this 10 10 Come on I came all this way T. You can do this T. E. N. 10

Starting point is 01:35:35 Hey! The special needs boy Let me do a real reaction Oh shit! Hahaha Run out of the room What a racist Let me do a real reaction Run out of the room Well that was great well played No, no that was awesome you guys were what I what a the duo no one thought they would love the ambiguously magic do

Starting point is 01:36:05 This is awesome. Thank you guys. I you got gigs coming up you want to plug in we plugged the the try I got is the special that's on YouTube All over the road. I'm all over the road. Yeah, we got Chicago. We got Long Island Vegas. Oh, yeah, Vegas Vegas for the first time where you're playing magic. I'm the first magician to play Vegas. May 3rd and 4th at the Venetian. Oh, I heard it's good. Hell yeah. That's a big room.

Starting point is 01:36:29 Yeah. Alright. Netflix is a joke fest. You guys doing that too? I'll see you there. I'll see you there. Let's do it. Alright, and yeah, you're all over.

Starting point is 01:36:37 What's the website called? JustinWillman.com. Easy peasy. Hey, hey. Hey, you don't say. I'm coming to your town, baby. Hear that eight minutes of jizz coming at ya Philly Memphis Little Rock, Tennessee Chattanooga, Syracuse Buffalo, Minneapolis Madison Bloomington Evansville Los Angeles

Starting point is 01:36:55 Hollywood Coachella Victoria BC Vancouver West Palm Fort Wayne Fort Myers Boston Fittsburg Seattle and Spokane. That's an all right one. Yeah, but you're up. Oh, I'm pretty much off the road for a minute. I will add dates soon. I just taped a special, so I need to write a new act,

Starting point is 01:37:15 but I will be in Atlantic City with Chris DiStefano. Hey. But we're competing against Frankie Valli, so that honestly might be a better show. But AC, June 22ndnd me and Chrissy D That'll be a fun one. We're bringing some special guests. Oh, yeah, and that'll be a be a good time So same world comm slash shows bodega cat whiskey might be in New York You got that right, so we'll be at the cellar New York comedy clubs got two clubs that want it. Yeah

Starting point is 01:37:42 Stan's be all over Whatever yeah, they're all they're all they get out We've got two clubs that want it. Yep. The stands, the west side, whatever. Yeah, they're all gonna gobble them. We're about to re-up on a big shipment because you motherfuckers went through the whole batch. Yeah! We love you for it. BodegaCatWhiskey.com, thank you guys.

Starting point is 01:37:54 Robert Schmeichel, Justin Wilman, awesome app. Thank you. It's an honor. Thank you guys. Both titans of the industry. All right. That wasn't sarcastic. No, no. All right Up on the roof like a cop's comin' And Naked Samuel is feelin' dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her

Starting point is 01:38:35 And I get down in the same way We might be true

We Might Be Drunk - Ep 174: Robert Smigel & Justin Willman [Magical Comedy]

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