We Might Be Drunk - Ep 18: Modelo Especial & Campari Soda

Episode Date: April 12, 2021

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One more drink, one more drink You know in the morning for sure we gon' stink One more round, one more round It's 5 a.m., you pricks, the barkeep frowned This is what we do, catch up for a few We'll riff and talk some shit and then we'll sleep till two talk some shit and then we'll sleep till two hey folks all right we're here we're hung over we're disheveled we're queer we're doing it

i'm feeling same. Same. Yeah. But this is the only show in history where being hung over is appropriate and kind of normal. Yeah. It's one of those. We're doing a day pod today. Day drinking pod. And I was like, fuck, I got to drink something I didn't touch last night. And I touched a lot.

You know what I mean? You ever look and you're like, what can i had tequila i did gin i did uh vodka i'm kind of like i gotta so i'm going i'm going with a light i'm doing a little uh campari it's a big it's a pint glass version of it but it's a campari campari soda simple very effeminate drink but yeah i'm trying to ease my way back in It's 4pm, you know That's a good That's like, what's that guy Chaz Bono of drinks It's just easing in, you're transitioning easily

Slowly in Because Campari is like a liqueur Almost, right? It's not actually a liquor Yeah, it's like 20%, it's not super strong But it gives you enough to get in I like to ease my way back in it's like 20% It's not It's not super strong But it gives you It gives you enough To get in I like to ease

My way back in It's like bitters I think bitters Has just a touch Of jizz in it Just a little bit Of alcohol A little bit of jizz

That's the way to do it Like Sprite With some gingers And you're back in But you're not shit faced I love it How about you What are you doing

I'm taking it easy And I'm in I'm in Austin'm in austin so i've been boozing i've been drinking tequila all weekend eating queso i've been shitting blood this town is just alive and bubbling up at the seams and uh so i got a nice uh a nice light medello here you know a nice mexican beer Probably one of my favorites with the gold tie. I hate Modelo, but I love Especial. Oh, you don't like the Negro Modelo? I mean, I like it, but it's just black and dark and heavy.

This is just light and airy. Yeah. Yeah. Well. Classic. But they were saying the same shit at the Capitol. Anyway. Yeah, it's too dark out there.

We got to make some changes. But but yeah uh yeah that's good yeah this is this is perfect actually i was like walking i'm taking a nice little stroll in the rain as it's coming down hard on me got a little got a little uh massage help help the old neck the neck will go out Trigger point massage therapy It's painful but it gets the job done It releases toxins There's all these studies Everybody should be getting a massage My dumb childhood

My evil brain I cannot walk into a rub and tug I can do But a massage I can't do I feel guilty Just look at it like it's a doctor Have you ever been to a chiropractor? No never Oh man I've done that I feel guilty Just look at it like it's like Like a doctor Look at it like it's a Like you know Have you ever been to a chiropractor?

No never Oh man I've done that It's Some of them I feel like do nothing Yes I can crack my own back I get on a chair I do this

I do the twist move I saw one guy once And he was just like Standing in the corner And he just like ran into me And like I was just like What the fuck

That hurt And he was like Yeah well I gotta You know I gotta level it out And he was like Alright standing in the corner and he just like ran into me and like and like I was just like, what the fuck hurt? And he was like, well, I got to, you know, I got to level it out. And he was like, oh, you just it was like it was like a defensive end running into me where I'm like, it just fucking hurt. Yeah, I got CTE now. You got what? What the hell? I mean, I don't know. Chiropractor, is that expensive?

It seems like such a weird gig. They pop your elbow and you give them 50 grand. There's this one dude in LA that saved my ass He's a good chiropractor Dr. Cole in Culver City He's jacked He was Studio City Not Culver City

Not close at all You don't trust him Because he came in with a sleeveless shirt He was shredded He called me bro And you're like what doctor What doctor talks like this You know right Dr. Chad

His name is actually Doug Oh Doug is perfect Yeah but he was Incredible dude he saved my I've sent People to him and they're like yeah that guy is a game changer Alright I mean Hey look acupuncture I still don't know if I believe in yet

I'm still on the fence on CBD But people swear by chiropractors So maybe I'll try it Acupuncture, yeah, they'll do the cupping Yeah, all the athletes do that shit And then I'm kind of like, what am I doing That I need the same treatment as Michael Phelps Maybe, it's like, I'm just

Smoking weed, I guess That's it That's about the only similarity. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I don't know how athletes do it. I don't know how they play. I mean, I know they have access to the best healing and doctors and all that stuff, but

you still I know they're on a special jet usually, but it's still they're still seven feet. They're still just played 40 minutes and it's still They're still 7 feet They're still just played 40 minutes And It's physical and then you land And you gotta play I mean that's it's fucking hard man It's a nightmare Then you gotta train on top of that

And didn't some football player just shoot his wife And his kids and himself I don't know if he had CT I didn't see that yet but yeah he's I mean that's what's going down That was like Aaron Hernandez man He had had CTE. I didn't see that yet. But yeah, he's I mean, that's what's going down. That was like Aaron Hernandez, man. He had advanced CTE. Junior Seau killed himself.

CTE is that you got to look into that. Well, it's Bob. I don't know enough about it, but I do feel like based on this is might come off as ignorant. But I feel like MMA must be much safer than the NFL because it's every, every few months you're fighting, like you train, but if you're an NFL, the thing, if you're an offensive lineman,

all you do is like back crack helmets all day. Exactly. All day. And you hit it in the training, in the game, you hear that smash. And at least with UFC, they stop it.

You've never seen a ref come in and go, all right, he's tackled. You got them. You know, it's, it's just pile up by eight guys. You know, they're all 300 pounds.

Yeah. And the cool thing about UFC is they at least will say it. Like, I got to stop fighting because I want to keep my brain. I got kids. I want to hang out with my kids. So they'll actually admit it. Like, yeah, I'm getting punched in the face. This is bad news.

But sometimes you see him, man. Like, I don't know if Holyfield is going to fight again. But I remember I had Holyfield when I had a sports show on my show. And like, this dude fought professionally for like 30 years. Crazy. I don't know if Holyfield is going to fight again, but I remember I had Holyfield when I had a sports show on my show. And like this dude fought professionally for like 30 years. Crazy. I can't imagine what that, and he was a bruiser. That was his whole thing.

He was like, I'm a fucking, I'm a, I'm the guy who's going to stay in it. Right. Right. And then he did, did he hear you?

He only has one ear. He was, I think he was probably, I think it was like a little, a little slow, but he also... We'd make jokes. I remember we opened it with Stavros.

I'm like, we have a new opponent who you've never faced. And Stavros just ran in and ripped his shirt off and was like, ah! And he was laughing. He was being silly with us, too. That's great. But he's such a legend. You're just kind of like, oh, man. It's like I'm in the presence Of like one of the best ever

You just feel that They just walk with that You know He beat Tyson I mean What kind of Mind state Do you have to be in

To see Mike Tyson And go Oh I can beat that guy That is insane And he beat him Yeah Well Tyson was so He had that stretch

Out of the gate That was just Yeah He's like 5'8", 5'7". He's just a tank. He's got that torque. I mean, terrifying human being. So scary.

Brownsville, Brooklyn. So you're in Austin. How are the shows? Oh, my God. I can't even get into it because they've been so great. We sold out every show show We added a show Sunday It just sold out again It's at 25% capacity

Which is not a big brag here But it still feels good But there's demand And that excitement And you feel that from the crowd I was at the Cellar all weekend I feel an energy man man, for sure. Yes, yes.

And I got to say, if this is what 25% of the Paramount Theater feels like, I can't even imagine at 100. It's got to be just booming laughs. I opened for Aziz there once, and it was pretty special. It was pretty damn cool. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it's just great.

It's one of those cool cities where you're on 6th Street, you're on Congress, everybody's up and at them. There's a guy on stilts, there's a drag queen on a unicycle, and a frat guy puking. And then you go in the theater, and it's from 1915. The Marx Brothers, Charlie Chaplin have been here, and it's beautiful and ornate. And you're like, wow, right outside is a guy doing heroin. It's so funny. You just see frat douches, and then you walk in, they're like, elvis fuck someone in this room closet right here they've got all this weird history exactly i know

and it's so pretty in there it's uh it's cool how showbiz works then you just you do these shows you get these applauses you high five everybody go outside and then you become just as degenerate as the other guys it is pretty weird man you're up there and it's like you feel like Man this is so kind of I don't want to say dignified but you're in a theater There's something kind of dignified About that and then you're like oh yeah But I'm not a theater person

Right Yeah there's a chandelier a box seat I'm like I'm not that guy Yeah I got a mixed drink in the Green room and I just took a shit I diarrhea'd I'm talking about my'm not that guy. Yeah, I got a mixed drink in the green room, and I just took a shit, a diarrhea. I'm talking about my dick on stage, but there is an eloquence to it. I remember when Ray Romano did,

I think he did Radio City or some great New York theater. I forgot which one, but he had a line where he was like, I think I'm the first person to ever say anal leakage in here. I remember that. Yes. That was a great, because it was kind a great dirty he was the seller all weekend too wow nicest comic i'm hands down nicest comic i've ever met i'm on stage upstairs as the upstairs and the downstairs the cellar and i hear this booming this booming applause to the point that it kind

of disrupted my set for a second and i was like you know i'm a little upset i didn't get that uh that ovation and everyone starts cheering like crazy like you know i'm a little upset i didn't get that uh that ovation and everyone starts cheering like crazy like you know being fun so they trying to outdo downstairs and then i get off stage i go downstairs rock and chappelle on stage together oh man that's amazing yeah well we're back baby it's pretty cool man it was a fun night. Cellar was hopping. And then, of course, you know, I'm at you forget that they the hook up the way they hook it up. Alcohol wise will do you in there was like, oh, yeah, just give me a tequila on the rocks. And then they show up with a tequila like this big. And you're like, I appreciate it.

But also now now this is my night. You know, right. Right. Exactly. It's funny because they're your friend and they want to be nice But they're also ruining your life We've all had that You know the bartender at this cool dive bar So they hook you up

But you're like, if I drink that I'll shit out my liver But thank you But thank you, it's perfect So how long, you coming back tomorrow? No, no, I can't leave I'm fucking, I did this show I added this show and then Kill Tony

Hitchcliff was like, you wanna do Kill Tony tomorrow? I was like, alright, fuck it Put down, let's get another hotel room for another night Let's do it up So I'll be back Tuesday Nice But I just, I appreciate you guys making time for this in the day because I knew right when you get out of this theater,

you just hit the street and you just guzzle booze and some guy hands you a pill and you start jerking off a guy and it's all over. Oh, dude, there's an energy in the West Village right now that's pretty crazy. Like I was out with our boy Salacuse last night who, we had such a good time man i love him he's very there was a great moment at the cellar where i'm just hanging out

with him on wednesday there and sean padden and louis come over and they say what's up and uh and sean pan goes oh you're salicus and he goes oh i love your work and uh and louis goes oh what do you do and he goes i'm a photographer and i and. And Louis goes, oh, what do you do? And he goes, oh, I'm a photographer and a filmmaker. And Louis was like, oh. Louis did a double take. I think for him, it was a really cool moment. Yeah. He's a film buff guy.

Yeah. And funny, you know, Salicu, I don't know if you saw, he had this thing published in GQ about a crazy night he had with DMX, who just, you know, RIP. Oh, I saw that. I didn't read it. By the way, quick toast with DMX Who just, you know, R.I.P. Oh, I saw that I didn't read it Quick toast, DMX Come on

Who doesn't fucking We were walking home last night, Salacuse and I And we're on the train And we pass some cops blasting Y'all gonna make me lose my cool And you're like, talk about breaking through Yeah, crossover appeal, Jesus Christ But that's, this is what I, oh sorry, sorry

This is what I like about DMX is, I mean sure, I grew up with that music, it was big in high school What you really want? All that shit But DMX has a fucked up checkered past, you know, some animal abuse, some domestic abuse, whatever the hell it is. And we can still go, yeah, he wasn't perfect. He was a weirdo, a psycho. But the music's great. Let the guy die.

It's all right. Yeah, he also was a great actor, honestly. I remember there was, I think, a Rolling Stone or Esquire article back in the day saying, like, yeah, Exit Wounds isn isn't a great movie but this dude has a fucking ton of talent like this dude can yes totally totally and you and you got to be a pretty good actor to not be dragged down by steven seagal you know like he can i think like i think good actors make you look better so if you oh you know but um seinfeld said that's why he picked those That cast Because he was like They'll pick me up

I mean it was just You know Costanza and Elaine They're all Kramer Just talents So yeah One of the best casts

Of all time But Yeah Anyway Salix used to tell me Stories about DMX And they're like So anyway

He goes to Chicago To photograph DMX For I think XXL magazine and he's in chicago and he's in the hotel waiting for dmx and he's like hey man uh he's talking to the to the assistant like hey where's dmx been four hours i'm waiting and the assistant goes i'm gonna be honest with you he didn't make it to chicago and he's like oh fucking they're like you know what i feel bad i'll give you his number so he calls him and dmx picks up the phone it's like that raspy voice he's like oh fucking they're like you know what I feel bad I'll give you his number so he calls him and DMX picks up the phone it's like that raspy voice he's like yeah yeah and and Salacuse just goes look man I I'm back in New York now I I really wanted to photograph you in

Chicago I I and DMX like I'm sorry all right all right he goes where are you he goes I'm in Miami and he goes if I come there tomorrow it's out of my own pocket. Will you please be there? And he goes, I'll pick you up at the airport. Anyway. What? Anyway, he doesn't, obviously. He doesn't pick him up.

But Salacuse rents a car, and he rolls up to DMX's place, and it's like he had just had a newborn. Yeah, so they're hanging out now. DMX is like, what? He said he's the nicest guy on the planet He says yes to everybody They are walking around Did he freeze? Oh no, I think

No, no, I'm going away Holy shit That was some fucking Times Square Let me just hold my pose Silver guy But dude, so they end up Doing all these kinds of crazy shit they play pool dmx takes all three games well he's not even paying attention he's talking to some artist

and the artist i'm an artist and he goes all right let's record together and he just goes to like record with her and like talks over her track to like give her extra you know it's like dmx is a guest on my track now then right they end up you know he's driving So fucking fast And Salke's like This is terrifying He has footage of the driving He's like this is the scariest Like I'm wearing a seatbelt And DMX is like

Why are you wearing a seatbelt Like if we flip this The The seatbelt might catch fire And rust And you won't be able To get it off And he's like

You're thinking of flipping The car Right right And then Holy shit And then He's telling the story About how they go to

You know They go to This tough part of Miami And they end up Like buying drugs And He's witnessing this And he's like

This is pretty crazy They end up in some 7-Eleven type You know Bodega whatever They're in the 7-Eleven type store And these four

Kind of Tough looking kids Are following him around and they go yo X where's the money at where's the money at and Salacuse is like we're gonna get fucking robbed like this is terrifying and they keep following him around and DMX kind of ignoring them and he turns around and he goes

I was just about to rob you motherfuckers and they all laugh and high five him and he's just like yeah he's just kind of fearless just he was that dude Damn cool story Just look up DMX GQ If you want the full story Our boy Salacuse

Pretty cool nod Great cat I love Salacuse What did he look like in Miami with DMX They probably thought he was his lawyer Or publicist or something. You know, this little white guy with a Hawaiian shirt on. Sal Acuse is our Kramer.

You know, he's got a Hawaiian shirt on. He's got wacky hair. He's like up for anything. You going to Miami? I'll go with you. You going to Brooklyn to shoot this? But he's like dry New Yorker. He's like a drier New York type.

He's like more of like a Charles Grodin type of Kramer Right, right But I love guys like that who are quiet They're kind of laid back But they can also spin a yarn Where you're like, what the fuck? You've lived, man Yeah, well anyway

This leads right into a pet peeve of mine Salacuse has told me these stories And my peeve is drunks Whose energy overwhelm the room yeah you hate the overwhelm because i like having a drink with people but when you when the drunks so salak who's telling the story they're like oh yeah you're telling literally 15 minutes of like them segwaying it in a shit about themselves and we're just sitting there like i'm like at like 15 i'm like hey i'd like to hear the story you know i have to be that guy now like i'd like to hear the end of this so then they're

like all right all right what and then and then he tells telling the story getting to go he did what let me guess what happened i'm like how about you just let him tell the story yes stop interjecting you queef this isn't a fucking choose your own adventure, motherfucker. This is real life. That's what I said. And then I went, art, art. Also, a story's got a rhythm. And if you keep fucking with the rhythm, it's like we're taking a shower and you keep flushing the toilet. The temperature's going up and down. Just let it happen.

Come on. I hate that. I'm so with you on that. And then they got to get their dumb joke in. And then you got to pretend to laugh at their joke but you don't actually want to hear the joke. It's a nightmare. What is this, Chelsea Lately? This is a dinner. Let us tell the fucking

story. This isn't a panel. What were you at? A house party? Where was he telling the story? Nah, we were just at a bar. But I mean, you know, whatever. Well, yeah, I'm so with you on that pet peeve. Just let the guy get the story out Then we can all canoodle and chop it up about the story after

But let's let it happen I don't know if canoodle is the right word Maybe not Kibbutz Is that something? Kibbutz? I don't know I thought that was some Yiddish thing

Kibbutz? Canoodle is Yeah I double checked. Kiss and cuddle amorously. It's a fun word, canoodle. It is a fun word. Yeah. We canoodled afterwards.

Can and noodle. But wait, what'd you say? I don't know. We canoodled afterwards. We made out. We cuddled. I was spooning him by the end It was weird

How about this one? On the same vein as yours, is when you go I'm watching a comic, or I'm watching a concert And you're like, oh, this guy's great I gotta watch this guy, and they go Oh, okay, I'll watch with you, and then they're going Oh, that was pretty good And I'm like, I said I was gonna watch this guy

And now you're interrupting, even though I told you I said I was gonna watch, and you keep interjecting With your fucking point, and I'm like, I said I was going to watch this guy And now you're interrupting Even though I told you I said I was going to watch And you keep interjecting with your fucking point And I'm trying to listen Yeah, it's tough, you gotta just give him with the Okay, yeah, yeah You give him one ear, yeah, got it And then you're really listening with the other ear

Yeah Brutal My pet peeve Mine is weird and super It's like complete minutiae Tiny slice of bullshit, but it happens to me all the time. And it's when you're walking down the sidewalk with a friend or whatever, and they keep getting closer to you. And before you know it, you're kind of inching away. And before you know it, you're on the lawn or you're in the street and you're like, all right, buddy.

And then you switch to their other side and then they do it again to you the other way you ever have that yeah it's awful yeah it's like i'm i'm pigeon-toed and i'm still very aware of like hey man come on yeah like they just they don't it's subconscious and they just keep kind of inching towards you so you inch away and then before you know it you're you're in a building i'll tell you what i'm loving i love space man i'm a big then before you know it you're you're in a building i'll tell you what i'm loving i love space man i'm a big space guy you know i picked the wrong city obviously but i was at a like a sidewalk cafe with my brother uh yesterday and all this remember when restaurant tables would be two inches apart and you'd be like this is not enough space for me especially

with comics you know we're gonna say something horrible and they're gonna give us dirty looks you know so yeah you have that little plastic guard now it's kind of nice oh yeah oh for sure yeah those that i mean you grew up in manhattan so i i don't know how i figured you'd be used to it but that no space to it you never get fully used to it i also hate the other table hearing my conversation I'm doing 20 minutes on Puerto Ricans And I'm like can they hear this What if they film me I hate that feeling Of like shit can you believe Cuomo

Or whatever and I don't know I just hate them Hearing It would be hilarious if you got cancelled for a take on Cuomo And Cuomo did not get cancelled I know exactly that's where we're at That happened with Trump all at I look at Billy Bush That's a great point Yeah

Damn It's getting to a point Where I am starting to enjoy it It does take a level of confidence To not even address the allegations At this point She'll be like what's on the agenda today boys And you're like oh you're just not even going the allegations at this point to just like, she'll be like, what's going on? What's on the agenda today, boys. And you're like,

Oh, you're just not even going to talk. Okay. All right. It's kind of, I know, I know. It's kind of impressive.

It is. Well, the first couple, you're like, Oh damn, this guy's a psycho. He's in trouble. He's grabbing women.

And then I read a few and they're like, he kissed my cheek and he waved to me. He gave me an elbow, elbow bump. I was like, all right, all right, come on.

But the first one, you're like, oh. I don't doubt that he's a shitty boss and shitty person. Yes. But it is like, now it's kind of like, well, when you kind of give Al Frank in the boot, I know he resigned, but he kind of got the boot. It's like, now he's getting the benefit from that shit. Because you're like, well, he kind of got fucked. Yes, so true, so true.

But yeah, that space in New York Even the grocery store, the aisles If somebody else comes down the aisle You're like, oh shit, you gotta do the sideways shimmy That is not made for humans You gotta grab your partner do-si-do It's fucking horrible I'm walking my brother down the street

This is a great New York moment I'm walking my brother up a west side We pass the sidewalk cafe And as we walk by we overhear a woman she's got the burger uh open face she hasn't closed it yet and she just goes to the waiter a bird shit on my burger she's like she's asking for another burger because a bird shit on a burger that is classic wow which is kind of not the restaurant's fault like I guess that's a risk you run if you're sitting outdoors, but you got to probably give a free burger.

You got to do it, yeah. And the sad thing is if she would have closed that without looking, she would have eaten that thing because it kind of could be like a black and blue or blue cheeseburger if you don't look at it directly. It's funny how outside eating used to be such a treat. Like, ooh, there's a patio Or ooh let's eat outside

You know the sun is shining And now it's like give me the fucking roof Give me an AC give me a booth Give me inside It's so true it's funny how Everywhere in New York It's like New York doesn't give a fuck About parking really so I guess it's good for restaurants

Because let them make more money They got fucked for a year Let them make the money And if you have a car in New York I guess you gotta use a garage I don't know But for at least a while Let them make that money back

But we'll see how bad traffic gets Just because I feel guilty I'm like here you go waiter I mean you got fucked hard Yeah it's rough And then I do kind of like it though It's like dirty Paris, man

It's kind of cool Yeah, that's true I guess Paris is kind of dirty too But New York, you know There are certain areas that don't lend itself To outdoor dining Where you'll be sitting there And it's like right next to a hospital

And you're like I was going to hear a siren all day It's kind of rough Right Yeah, that's true You hear it in the distance Clear We're losing him

I expected a better ambiance from the firehouse cafe This is bullshit I love Dirty Paris, by the way That's a sex move if I ever heard it I gave her love Dirty Paris by the way That's a sex move if I ever heard it I gave her a Dirty Paris That's when you Eiffel Tower with a guy And jizz on her ass I don't know

It is funny that anything will be turned into a sex term At some point Eiffel Tower what I know the most beautiful pristine sculpture In the world has turned into a threesome With two guys high-fiving. I gave her a Mona Lisa. Ooh, what's that?

Yeah. Fun fact about the Mona Lisa, by the way. Do you know the story behind that? What is it? Well, this is what's so interesting about showbiz and entertainment. Like, you know, Bill Burr, great comic, yada, yada, yada. But he didn't break until that Philly rant. And that, like, kind of put him on the map. I remember until that Philly rant. And that kind of put him on the map.

It was always good, but that put him on the map. The Mona Lisa was just this kind of run-of-the-mill painting from Italy. It was whatever. People walked right by it every day. Then it got stolen, became the talk of the art world. Every newspaper, the Mona Lisa is stolen, some art thieves. They found it. Then they put it back.

And now everybody had to see it because it was the big stolen painting. So it almost kind of went viral. Interesting. It's Da Vinci, right? Did he not break till like. I always wonder, I don't know enough about art to know which artists like they're like, oh, they're huge. And, you know, when you when you reminisce about them, you're like, were they fucking... No, a lot of them...

Most of them probably had nothing. I think he was somebody... He was kind of like, you know, what's a good... He was like Roy Wood Jr. to us. Like, oh, he's a fucking killer. He should be way bigger household name, but he's just kind of like a working good comic. That's how Da Vinci was.

All these guys, like Picasso apparently died penniless And all these other guys They always blow up later That's gonna be like a tell That's brutal I know I know Although I guess it gives you some cachet Especially if you die young man Look at all the people that die young

Bruce Lee, Jesus, Bill Hicks Yeah Hedberg Janis Joplin Yeah so true Hend yeah, you're right Nirvana guy, Jim Morrison Cobain Is that the 27 club or 32 club? I believe Cobain was 27

And Jesus 32 or 33 I think he was 33, yeah Every comic would be like, hey, I'm 33. Look, Jesus already did this and that. I haven't even gotten on Conan. But yeah, yeah.

Mona Lisa had to go viral. Because it is just a basic kind of mediocre painting. No offense. It's good, I guess. But you needed that bump. That was like the Rogan bump. It's interesting. It's like, it is. You you needed that bump. That was like the Rogan bump. It's interesting. It's like, it is.

You know what though is kind of cool is I just think about what art used to be. And I know there's still art and there's still great movies and there's still, you know, TV now is kind of like the new medium. Right. But you think about like, have you watched Bonnie and Clyde? Oh, great. It's so fucking good. It's like a bad ass movie from the 60s, you know, bad ass, gritty, dark. And it's it's I forgot. I don't want to say mise en scene, but we had to watch it in film school. And it's it's shot like a like a foreign film, like the cuts and the angles and the twists and the turns, the sharp,

whatever contrast that's all, that was all new back then. And they did it first. Yeah. I, I don't know if I said this last week, but it was, I think it was supposed to be directed by Truffaut. So it like had,

and then it was supposed to be Godard and then it ended up being Arthur Penn, but like, man, it ends up being awesome. And yeah, Faye Dunaway was so hot. It was like crazy. So hot,

so hot. And, and it was, that was like heavy crazy Ah, so hot So hot And it was That was like heavy stuff for What was that? Early 60s? I think 67 Ah, okay But yeah, that was

That was a cool ass movie Still holds up Still fun The acting is great Love it Yeah, Gene Hackman That's a good rec Oh yeah, Estelle Parsons

Who was at a show of mine once She's like 90-something now What? Yeah, my parents knew her somehow and they brought her to Like an early Caroline's breakout Artist type show and I was not good It was one of those things where I'm like

Did I just fucking do very mediocre In front of a legend you know Like this woman's Like partied with Warren Beatty And probably like Jack Nicholson and I'm just like I'm like so anyway my dick And I'm just like, so anyway, my dick And it's just like bombing Yeah, yeah, dude

I bombed in front of Marcia Gay Harden Oh, love her, man Which, super milfy in person, by the way Yeah, and in her movies Yeah, yeah But, you know, you start bombing And then when you start kind of scrambling up there you just get too real You're like what the hell are you doing here

It was a horrible hack filled lineup It was at Joe Franklin's Remember that place? Oh my god when was this the 80's? It's like 10 years ago All these horrible comics on the show And me and I'm bombing they're bombing Can I switch spots with you?

I'm at Catch a rising star at 11 right exactly so uh i had evening at the improv in 20 so i had to run out of there but but uh i bobbed i was like what are you doing here you're so hot you're milfy and it took everything i had not to make fun of the gay harden i mean it was too it was right there but i i didn't do it that would only made it worse if you addressed her oh my god respect I didn't do it she's so she's a good actress too oh man that that's rough but I heard you at least booked a a guest spot on Sanford and Son out of that so that's pretty cool yeah yeah my family ties call back but uh yeah, yeah, she was she was nice and pretty. And that was that was a bummer.

But I told my mom about it and she was like, oh, that's cool. I've heard of her. Yeah, dude, she's great. She's she's been around, man. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't know what she was. She must have had a friend there.

Something was going on. I'm like, this is a divy, grimy, midtown comedy spot in the back of a restaurant what the fuck are you doing here so cool so much cooler to see that type of actor than like an a-list person because there's kind of oh yeah she's just like a more interest she makes interesting choices and stuff remember laura lenny was a gotham one so like that's a cool actress to see wow you know that is cool she's good she's a great actress yeah Yeah, she rules. What's that guy's name? Not Javier Bardem. What was the guy from 300?

The hot guy. Gerard Butler. Butler. He was at the Fat Black one time. He's there all the time. He's tight with Godfrey. Yeah. Oh, that was crazy.

He's like three feet away from me. I'm like, what are you doing here? It's me and 30 retards on this show, and're sitting like in the first row Second row, it was crazy It is hilarious when you're like bombing You're like, fucking That's the dude from that shitty Katherine Heigl movie What the hell? Yeah, exactly

I know, right? Yeah, but you always hear about the comedy store They were like, Tarantino's here tonight I'm like, what the fuck? Tarantino's here? That's like the Hitchcock of our time I know, you better hope it's a hot crowd. That's brutal.

I opened for a guy once, not gonna say who, but Bieber was in the crowd, and that was pretty cool. Oh my god, that's weird. Yeah, he walked during my set, but either way, I got to see him. Did he really? Yeah.

I was like, who's this nerd? That's fucking hilarious. You walked Bieber. It's just cool. We think, oh, New York, who's this nerd? That's fucking hilarious You walked Bieber It's just cool, like, we think, oh, New York It's home, it's where we live, our apartment's tiny You know My hallway smells like shit My neighbor hates me, but then you're like, oh yeah

So does Jennifer Aniston lives here, or whoever In this city It's crazy to think all the celebs It's just a real city, man, it's just a fucking cool It's like not as I feel like In New York You know what's cool about New York Is like we still appreciate

In LA I feel like They don't even appreciate They all have Like Tarantino They'd be like Oh okay whatever You know I know

He's like one of my heroes I used to live on 10th street In the village And Sarah Jessica Parker Lived one block ahead of me And I would walk by And every time I walked by I was like Maybe she'll come out today

Maybe I'll see her today But never did But I knew where she lived That sounds weird I was looking at her windows And drawing her That's a New York couple Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker

Yes Both I think born and raised She might be Jersey actually Yeah our boy David Jeskow Knew her pretty well back in the day And always says she was the coolest person And Ryan Hamilton knows her And says she's awesome

She did comedians in cars And I fell in love with her She was so down to earth and everything Good laugh Great laugh, great face I know a lot of people think she's weird looking But I'm into it That's your type Yes

I like a big mug Yeah It's not just the mug It's like the nose You like a bigger nose I think Oh give me a honker Alright well what do we got Speaking of things we like

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That's joinhoney.com slash drunk. Get that Honey, baby. Oh, yeah. Nice. Honey. Yeah, it's good. It's a good one Yeah yeah yeah I gotta tell you

I've been traveling I've been doing shows I've been writing I don't have a recommendation Per se But I do have to say I bought a watch And I love it it's the best thing I've ever bought Myself what is it let me see Well it's nothing snazzy I got a

Oh shit I got a Timex It's a vintage look it's only 50 bucks Time see well it's nothing snazzy i got a oh shit i got a timex it's a vintage look it's only 50 bucks timex but it's it's the best watch i've ever had it fits right on it's that kind of cool oh look at that like the band is just there's no clip it just kind of sucks onto your wrist and uh it's got the indigo light got the date the day of the week and the time that's all i need Never been a big watch guy. I wasn't either, and I tried it. Now it's all I do is every day I just look at this. You never have to pull your phone out.

You got the watch right there. I knew a kid playing basketball grew up who had a watch, and it was like sharp on the end. Oh, yeah. And he would like try to swipe you with it. You're supposed to take the watch off. I mean, you're cutting me, dude. He was like, that's how he would would try to fucking intimidate you on defense

Oh what a douche That's evil It was an evil motherfucker Yeah but no this is just You can bring it on stage and you just kind of look at your Oh I've been on 20 minutes I've been on 30 minutes I mean it's a huge game changer for me I like knowing what time it is all the time

It's nice to know Not to look at your phone Just another reason to not look at your phone So that is cool Yeah, I read some stat that we open our phones Like 600 times a day Over a day And you're like, ah, I can't have that

That ain't good No, and how many times do you go Oh, I gotta text John And then you open your phone You didn't even text, now you're on Twitter, now you're on Instagram Now you're on Facebook, now you open your phone You didn't even text now you're on Twitter now you're on Instagram Now you're on Facebook now you're on email You didn't even get to the text Yeah it's terrible man it really is

And like it's it can't all the things That we talk about how we need our brains And then you just feel your brain turning into mush And uh I'm like we're doing on a drinking podcast you gotta take care of your brain I'm like literally I hobbled out of bed at 115 uh i'm like you got to take care of yourself folks uh anyway yeah i got a good rec i think oh i already said it's bonnie and clyde man i like there's movies

from the 60s you know what i like about and all right spoiler if you haven't seen it but something i like about 60s movies is they would just end in fucked up ways. There's something really cool. 70s did this too, but like, I mean, Dog Day Afternoon, Taxi Driver, they could just do something shocking and then the credits roll. Right. Totally. I kind of love that.

I mean, you know what's coming. You know they're going to die, but you don't know when. Yes. Yeah, that's so true. Yeah, the 70s, I think, is the best decade for film because it didn't get as commercialized and corporate, and it was just art. Like, Cuckoo's Nest is art.

That is a fucking film. And it's gritty and weird and twisted and funny and sweet funny it's got everything but you're right they just end yeah dude yeah this too those movies kind of they kind of hit they kind of hit every note it's also funny when bonnie and clyde came out jack nicholson was like nobody right i mean who he was not famous not really no he was just the young kind of hot young guy who just killed it was was like Chinatown and Cuckoo's Nest And Five Easy Pieces and Easy Rider Easy Rider's 69 though, that wasn't even out

I wonder when Five Easy Pieces came out I'm looking it up I'm gonna go 72, 73 70, so he had a run And then Chinatown Faye Dunaway, the fact that she's in Chinatown Network And Bonnie and Clyde is like,

that's like first battle Hall of Fame shit. That's pretty crazy. Totally. What a roster. What a resume. Yeah, she is so hot and cool and kind of sophisticated, even when she's playing someone just fucked up in the head. Right.

Even back in like the 80s, 70s, 80s, like Animal House, Caddyshack, the comedies were still solid movies. Ferris Bueller's Day Off is a movie I grew up with, and it's actually a good movie, and it's a comedy. Or Breakfast Club, or Home Alone, all those- I don't know how good Home Alone is. I like it, but I don't know if it's a great movie. I mean, it's not The Godfather, but it's like- Home Alone 2 sucks. I'm sorry. Ah. Do you like it? I'm don't know if it's a great movie. I mean, it's not The Godfather. Home Alone 2 sucks. I'm sorry.

Everyone talks about it. Do you like it? I haven't started on that. Do you like it or not? No, Home Alone 2 is a pile of garbage. It's terrible. One has got the hard, I get it, but you're like, it's fucking, come on.

But Pesci and Stern, they were so good. Yeah, Pesci just never missed. It was kind of just Never, never misses Even Eight Heads in a Duffel Bag had moments I remember that movie I remember that fucking awful Poster too But yeah, I mean, Gone Fishing

I saw all the fucking Pesci movies Gone Fishing But My Cousin Vinny, good movie That's a great movie Yeah, it's not Cool Hand Luke But that is a great movie Trading Places, Coming to America All those Land of Blues Brothers is good

Even the comedies were fun Good movies Now it just feels like Cheaper by the Dozen Parent Trap All this shit It's like, come on You know why, dude? Because it's all about excess now it's like

algorithm shit i mean it's what it literally is an algorithm it's like let's totally like you hear all about like multi-picture deals back in the day but they still took time on that shit i feel like everything's rushed out now and that's what like tiktok and all that shit is and that's why when you see a movie like bonnie and cla, you're like, this took years to make. Yes. You felt that it was like important. Like you could just tell like, you know, Warren Beatty produced it. You're like, oh, you could just sense like he cared about this material. And, you know, the writers forever to get it sold.

And it's kind of it's kind of cool. It's a cool story. You know, it's really cool. Even cars. I mean, not to get into cars, but like you see a car from the 70s or the 60s. You're like, it's as beautiful with these great lines and curves and they didn't think about crumple zones and airbags obviously so you know everybody died but i mean they're just so cool and you look at every car now and it's like it just looks like a you know a fucking shopping

cart with wheels and a roof well you have a classic car i mean like something cool about about classic about throwback i mean i mean yeah there is yeah i mean you're right there were there are no airbags in some of these cars which is right oh yeah but there is something pretty damn cool about it still i think it's a lot like comedy like we'll sacrifice you know we'll say some darker stuff or go in some twisted areas because we don't have airbags. We want the art. We want the Bonnie and Clyde.

We want the old Beamer. We want our comedy to be this stylized thing and that you work hard on it. Your special, List's special, my special, great views because I think people can see that there's some blood, sweat, and jizz in there. Yeah, you got to put work into it, man It's like, that's what the road is for Some people are like, man, it's gotta be hard to do the road But that's what it's for Is to hone the material And like, dude, we're the only types of entertainers

That focus group our shit You know, you think about that? We're taking it like Let's see how Toledo responds to this Let's see how Minneapolis responds to this, you know? So good. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's necessary.

It's a necessary part of the gig to, to take it different places. And there, you know, maybe sometimes one market doesn't respond, but hopefully you, I think overall you're like, I think I know what works. Right. And, and not only do we focus group it, but we focus group it and write it and perform it. So it's all filtered through us at the end of the day, whereas a movie or TV show, they go, eh, we showed it to a few housewives in Minneapolis and they didn't like that guy. So we got to get rid of him. You're like, yeah, but he's the bad guy. You're not supposed to like him. I know, but he's unlikable. Get rid of him. So now you got eight people telling you this. It's a film about Hitler. of them so now you got eight people telling you this is a film about that lady yeah exactly this fat lady in milwaukee didn't like the hitler character so we gotta we gotta cut him out of

the movie she found him to be toxic and we have to remove hitler no you're so right man it's like you're focused at least you're focus grouping it mostly for people that came out to see you on the road yes so whereas like movies and tv sometimes Are like yeah this person might not like it And you're like well that person's not the right demo They shouldn't like it Yes exactly You ever see a movie with like 88% On Rotten Tomatoes you're like that's a good number

I don't want a fucking I don't want a 99 or a 100 Great point It's like these cunts with the Zagat and the Yelp they go, how'd you like that sushi restaurant? Ah, I gave it one star I hated it, zero percent You go, geez, zero percent?

They go, well, I don't like sushi Well, then you shouldn't be rating it What are you doing? If you don't like sushi to begin with Why are you rating a sushi restaurant? Those are the best reviews I don't like the thing that they do Yeah, so the whole restaurant sucks No, you just don't like i don't like the thing that they do yeah yeah so the whole restaurant

sucks no you just don't like it oh people are fucking trash they're it's i know they're dumb just me me me i don't like it so it must be bad well i i don't like isis but isis is happy to be in there people people vary dude jp jp JP McDade has a joke about How you can google review The Great Wall of China And it's four stars And then he goes To give you an example

He says some shitty restaurant in Florida That's 4.3 stars It's such a great observation Oh yeah people are such We're fucking ingrates We really are All of us And yet we want their approval at the end of the day

Which is the real rub of it all But that's why comment cards at clubs You ever start an out and you get the comment cards And you're just like Who leaves I mean I guess some people leave good shit on comment cards But the people that are really taking them seriously They ain't

They ain't helping No no definitely not Like I would we would get drunk at the club Sometimes and like I'd watch the staff Clean up and they're all mopping and sweeping And we'd take the bucket out We'd have a couple of drinks start reading them As a goof and

You know they were every funny here's my number here's my email not a bad show chicken wings were cold where's fluffy bring in fluffy i want russell peters angela johnson he was okay the curly haired guy wasn't bad bring in uh jim jeffries like all right what do we do we would just laugh all night reading those there was no jeff dunham i'm like damn all right thanks uh yeah we do? We would just laugh all night reading those. It was no Jeff Dunham. I'm like, damn. All right. Thanks. Yeah. Uh,

yeah, they, uh, they really go to, they really go to town. It's there. It is funny when you see some where you're like, the feature was better. The opening act was better.

And you're like, I'm holding onto these. These are fucking hilarious. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I think I pocketed a few great ones too. Like nice guy. I wish he'd admit he was gay.

And you're like, all right, what does that mean? That's fucking great. Yeah. That's a great one. What up? All kinds of those. a few great ones too like nice guy i wish he'd admit he was gay and you're like all right what is that that's fucking great yeah that's a great one what all kinds of those yeah clubs that are still doing that it's like fucking 1980s it was youtube comments before youtube you're right handwritten youtube comments handwritten youtube may as well have a fucking, an ink, a quill and a fucking ink pen. Yeah, exactly.

But I don't know. Apparently club bookers read those or they used to. I think they read those. If you're like a brand new headline or something. Yeah. We want to see if we'll bring them back. How about a Kevin Hart back in the day? I'm talking like late nineties would do his show,

stand outside the club door with a composition book, say thank you to everybody and get their email back when email was new and exciting. And then he would email everyone and then do a mailing list. And when he came back to Philly or Denver, he would he would email him. Brutal. But you know what? I mean, I respect him so much for doing that, even though it's brutal. I also heard that back in the day, his travel budget was like $5,000 because they had to take care of his entourage. This is when he was a young headliner, too. It's fucking hilarious.

What is that? I mean, he had a crew. I mean, I think it was like, I want to take care of my people. And he wasn't making that much more than that. So it's just hilarious that he was that. But I probably just knew he was going to make it. I think he was like, I want to take care of my people. And he wasn't making that much more than that. So it's just hilarious that he was that. But I probably just knew he was going to make it. I think he was just that driven. Yeah, I guess so.

Jesus Christ. I tried doing that a couple of shows with the composition pad. And then it's like, people are drunk. You're trying to decipher. You're like, is that an eight or a zero? And then you're like, I'm drunk. It's 2 a.m. I'm manually putting these into my computer.

What the fuck's wrong with me? You know? Right, right. And on paper paper it sounds easy You bump into people, you get their email Case closed, but it's actually a full conversation Then they critique your act And then they tell you how much they hate your co-host

And it goes on from there It's the worst Yeah In the words of Albert Brooks, the compliceult Have you heard of that the complice salt that's yeah that's where it's everything starts out as a compliment but if you wait long enough it'll turn into an insult like oh i thought it was an assault i thought you were going to salt oh no that's

funny too but uh you're like i loved your act man you're so funny my wife hates you she hates you but i love you you know if you stay long enough it'll get get mean. I thought you were funny. I thought you were good. I don't know what I'm like. Yeah, it went well. Why are you talking to me like this? I thought you were good. Right,

right. Exactly. I killed. I thought, yeah, I was the one laughing. You're like, it went well.

Why are you talking to me like this? Stop it. Yeah. Yeah. You ever, uh, you ever had that thing? This is rare,

but it happens the other way sometimes where you walk off stage like man i suck that crowd hated me i gotta i gotta write more i gotta fix that i gotta do this and then you listen to it it sounds pretty good yeah it's like the opposite of laugh ears right where you're like some people some people eat shit and they get off like nothing is wrong and then other people i guess i've been i did that the other night the seller actually i was like that was fucking brutal i was listening to the seller like i was pretty good this went pretty well yeah newer jokes so i was like yeah it's pretty good and we're especially hard on new joe i or at least i am i'll do i'll throw a new one

out there and it's all risky and scary and you're like oh they hated it that joke sucks i'm not good writer and then you listen to it you're like oh no that did okay it, that joke sucks I'm not a good writer And then you listen to it and you're like, oh no, that did okay Yeah, I do the same I mean, because they're trying out for the team Essentially, the new joke Yes, exactly And you're kind of like, you better impress You don't want the new guy to come in and fucking

Just bend over You can't hang with these other jokes Yeah, yeah, I remember one time I saw A comic we both love, great comic and he bombed on this bar show and all these comics came up to me like you did better than that guy he's he's the name and you're not and da da da and i'm like he did all new shit all those premises were gold in a week those are gonna be yeah you know closers so that's he's doing it right i'm not a fan of the comparing the i hate the show it's like guess what even if i don't even if i don't like love the guy i still like feel like

an obligation a little bit to defend him yes you know it's something and yeah i don't like the pittiness against each other that's what the fucking industry does dude that's what they pit us against each other like we we're the ones who help each other out like who who helps you more than comics of course it's all comics definitely for sure but i do watch you know when it's a lot like a what do you call those a showcase show at the cellar there's six comics and a host or five comics and a host you watch everyone come out of there and if you listen they're going the third guy was the best i like the fourth guy fourth fifth guy he was the best. I like the fourth guy. Fourth, fifth guy, he was the best one.

You're like, this is what everybody does. You're like, just enjoy it. But it's like a human nature thing. You just have to rank people. They like, that's why people like reality shows, because there's a winner. It's so stupid. But you know. That's not how I consume stuff, really.

Me neither. I don't watch a movie, and I I'm like I'm watching Bonnie and Clyde Man this is a fucking great cast That's what comes to my mind Man this is so well shot I'm not like watching like Faye Dunaway was better than Warren Beatty They're both fucking good

I'm not trying to It's weird it's a weird way to I don't know It's a weird way to look at things But it's almost, it's just subconscious Because we all do it, he stole the show I mean, he was the breakout star She really, really took the thunder

Whatever it is I'm sure I've done it a bunch But I try not to do it It's such a competition-obsessed culture It's why people love sports And things like that I mean there is a winner It is a story

It is It's meant to inspire And not just entertain But people are like This person It's like an underdog story They call it a Cinderella story Yeah

You know it's like People are obsessed with With winning and losing You know it's And then the The irony is that You make it to the top The underdog made it And then they want you to fail.

Sure. Right when you get up there, they're like, all right, let's bring you back down. You're like, what? We just traveled all the way up here. It took 20 years, and now you want me to come crashing down? That's why we built you up, to bring you back down. We're not good people. I guess so.

Yeah, for sure. I'm staying in the middle. I'm getting to the middle of the mountain, and I'm going to build a hut and get a couple chickens and just hang out there. Well, they still might bring you down. They'll just bring you even lower if you stay in the middle. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I don't know.

I'm getting one of those weird hammock things on the side of the mountain that just hangs there, and you can sit in it and take photos and have a coffee out of a thermos. I think it's basically, that is a showbiz career basically is like yeah but i mean that was like sinatra right i mean he made his biggest possible and then he's like fucking people forget him then from here to eternity then he's back and then you're like right oh shit his entire life was kind of up and down it was it was a higher up and a higher down. Yes. Totally.

That's what it is. Patrice said it best, I think. He said, show business is a roller coaster. You wait in line. Then you notice, hey, I'm ticking up. We're going up. This is great. This is fun. Then you're on top. You're like, oh shit, I'm on the top of the loop. This is crazy. And then, then you wait in line again

just for that one little rise but you're gonna fall it's a perfect analogy that's what a drug is there is a higher chase and that's kind of like kind of a comedy that's kind of how you stay as a stand-up because you kind of get one taste early on of a good set but be it a bringer show or maybe you just got you got a hot crowd at the right time and you get just enough to be like, all right, I'm going to stick around. And you are chasing that high. It is a drug. Totally.

I mean, how many people in comedy are like, that guy's still doing it? I've never seen that guy do well. I've never seen him happy with his set. The crowd hates him. 20 years later, still doing it, because he still gets the accoutrements. You still get a, oh, I guess I got a show tonight. accoutrements you know you still get a oh i

guess i got a show tonight oh oh what do you do i'm a comedian oh my profile is me with a microphone you still get all the fun stuff even though the eight minutes of bombing sucks and you'll never make it but you still get those other things any person probably also had a good set like three months ago if they're getting up enough like as we say if you do enough sets you're gonna have the horrible sets right so if you do enough sets, you're going to have the horrible sets. Right. So if you do enough sets, you're going to have those fucking kill sets.

Even if you're not that good, some crowds are just red hot. That's true. And they go, that crowd got it. Those other crowds are idiots. That one got me. Like, yeah, that makes sense.

I did that shit for years. We all did, you know. You had to lie to yourself in the beginning. We all sucked. Yeah, it's always when there's people that kind of just come out of the gate. I think I heard Bill Burr once say, you know. That comics will post their early sets and like how stupid that is, because because you think De Niro posted like his first acting audition.

Ah, right, right. But we'll do that with standup. It's like, Oh, you'll show yourself as weak. Yeah, it's true. But it's also in,

in the context of look how much better I've gotten and look how bad I used to be. People can progress. So I think it's cool. I saw John Goodman posted his Roseanne audition, and it was killer. You're like, I would have hired him too. I don't think there was ever a time when he was bad, though. That's true.

I can't picture John Goodman not being... He's fucking great. He's a beast. He's great. Big Lebowski, he's great. Roseanne, he was great. I mean, he was King Ralph, the babe. Come on. Fred Flintstone.

Inside Llewyn Davis. What range? What was it? Inside Llewyn Davis Oh yeah He was great in that movie He's always great, I love him Flight, he's good in Flight He's a great actor

Great actor, he's a weird New Orleans staple, everybody in New Orleans He has a house down there I saw him in the street there once He was walking into a Whole Foods I was like oh shit that was john goodman it was when he was in a period where i think he lost a good amount of weight well yeah he's at whole food yeah do something yeah dude wow yeah you know he's a legend oh yeah oh yeah and and kind of keeps under the radar you don't see him at like big events and

oscar shit you know he's just doing his thing for sure what do you got a new bit you're working on Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And kind of keeps under the radar. You don't see him at big events and Oscar shit. He's just doing his thing. For sure. Do you got a new bit you're working on? Yeah, I got a couple, and they're all over the place. They're so raw and loosey-goosey. I've been trying to find them on stage, and there's not enough there yet. I need some hard examples.

I have a few loosey-gooseys as well. All right, great. I got two. They're so loose that I feel like I had to bring two because they're not punched out yet. But one of them is people keep complaining about AI. The beginning of the bit is it's weird how technology keeps getting better. Everything's getting faster and sharper and clearer,

and yet it feels like people are getting worse. Technology is getting worse. Right. Technology is getting better. People are getting more petty, more narcissistic, more, you know, self-involved. But we got like an air fryer. We got streaming video. We're going to the moon all the time. You know, it's like everything we're making is getting better, but everything we make

is getting better except the people we're making. That's a good angle. It's a different bit. It's an angle. I hit a bit of premise once a long time ago. I never really did anything with it, but I had to say how phones are getting better and people are getting worse,

and I say phones are getting thinner. Something like that. I never did anything with it, but there's something about like, yeah, I also think it's the technology making us worse oh that's interesting because where are people at their worst it's i think it's they're either on social media or or if they're in public what do you do you put up a phone Yeah I mean like no matter What the technology Surrounds us

And it's a part of the evil like people were Fucked up before this shit but this is Like fuck up enhancement Kinda yes That might be the angle The technology is getting better and yet It's making us Shittier yeah we make The technology that's the, and yet it's making us shittier.

Yeah. And we make the technology. That's the irony. Yeah. We make it. That might be it. Let me write that down. It's hurting our development, and who's making it? Kids.

Right, right. And they're not even developed yet. Yes. I don't know. That's nothing, but I'm just riffing here. Riff? Yeah, it is making us worse because you know what it's it's it's an instinct but then it's also kind of permanent right like you have a couple drinks and you're like i'm gonna tweet this fuck this tweet this but then

it's just up there that was how you felt for like one moment but now it's just now it's like look this is how he feels in general yes and you're like no that's how i felt but there's no there's no this is how i feel in this particular moment setting for twitter right yeah it's true i mean how many times have you gotten in a fight with your mom go i hate you mom you don't actually hate your mom and she knows that but you just in that moment you're so angry that you you were irrational i've never done that because i love my mother but uh no of course i've done it when you're a kid of course you do that shit and it's like yeah yeah no you say that you say shit you don't mean i feel like therapy for both of us has made us calmer in fights yes don't you think oh for sure yeah I've been pushing therapy on everybody

Because you realize hey some of this is on you buddy It's not just other people being fucked up You've got some fucked up shit And that's what therapy is good for Yeah So the rest of that bit is like I can't wait for AI If you're like AI is taking our jobs

It's going to come in and replace us I'm like oh great somebody without a hot take who does their job without complaining that sounds amazing but is that too mean i'm thinking it's like it's not hitting so well it's tough because i wonder why it's not it might be like ai it's like well more people are going to be out of work. Like it's going to fuck people. So maybe that's why they're not. But like, so with that take, I think you got to go further.

Like, I think you got to go even harder with it. I think with a premise that's kind of like you all fucking, we all suck. AI will be better. Maybe you bring it on yourself and you're like, fuck. He's like, oh, you know what? I want this in my dream. I want that in a dream. I was like, oh, you know what doesn't want that?

Robot Mark Norman And you're like, oh, come on, I'm basically a robot I barely feel Right, right, yeah Yeah, I don't want to get a boner in a playground And don't worry, the AI won't This robot, he's going to keep it clean I think you pulled on taking your job

And that'd be good, too I think that would make it interesting Because then I'd have to go funny and bring it back on I think you pull it on taking your job and that'd be good too. I think that would make it interesting because then I think a funny, bring it back on you. But yeah, it's something about like, it's funny. I do think about that sometimes with like these,

these conditions in Amazon warehouses are unlivable. They're unacceptable. And you're just like, you know, some of these like people are pregnant in the warehouses and you're like, well, you know who won't get pregnant as a robot. Exactly. And that's a fucking heartless, horrible take But it's kind of funny

It's kind of funny and kind of true But obviously everybody needs a job But yeah Well shit man, truckers, that's like a real That's a real worry Jobs like that where you're like, shit, there's a lot of jobs I mean, we might get fucked they keep developing this hologram technology it's like who do you want to see

mark norman and sam around the road or do you want to see fucking uh george carlin live at the improv you know beamed in yeah and and even if they do see our hologram he won't be hung over he won't be trying new shit you know he'll be a fucking professional playing the hits yeah yeah so that was that then then i have a horrible premise about uh i'd be the worst trans person because like trans people have to be strong and like stand up for themselves like hey it's not he it's she but if you call me matt i just go with it yeah you know i have no backbone with that shit you're like hey matt uh you're an improv guy right oh yeah yeah that's me like i don't it it says ten dollars on

the window you you charge me 20 i just go with it you know when you when you aren't trans you take your identity for granted ah because Because like someone says to me Like Seth I'm like yeah I could be a Seth You know what I mean I'm like no it's actually Sam But you say it to a trans person you go I'm Veronica Right But like with me I'm just like yeah

I don't feel like correcting them whatever Well I think to be trans yeah you gotta have Some self esteem you gotta believe in yourself A little bit but me I'm just like, oh, I don't care. And also, they are correcting people more than you are. Yes. So they're used to it. It's kind of just like reflex, probably.

Like, no, actually, I'm this. Okay. Right, right. My apologies. Yeah. So that was all I had on that. But what do you got? I have a couple ideas.

So I was watching that QAnon doc which is great I finished it loved it uh but I wanted to I did a thing about how like you know one of QAnon's big thing is that they're anti uh pedophile and I'm like wow what a brave stance to to be against pedophilia I've never met I've met so few people that are like i don't uh condone that so very cool but to me it's like uh i saw one sign in the video and it said pedophilia is not a sexual orientation and you're just like i've never heard that argument ever i've never heard anyone it's never like you're straight and you're like actually not a pedophile i that's how i identify i'm a child molester and you're like so and you're like all right yeah i don't know where to take it or

something about like hey mom dad sit down and they're like oh are you gay and you're like uh a little different let me get into detail here like i don't know how to end this but like yeah i like the idea of someone sitting down their parents and be like mom dad i am a i'm a pedophile i hope i have your support something like that i don't know how to like of course it's not a sexual orientation it's the dumbest shit ever but maybe the only time pedophiles identify as being a pedophile is when they have to do the knocking in the neighborhood and they go hey i'm just letting you know i'm a sex offender you know that's the only time they'll actually admit it publicly when it's by law that's the only time yes right right that's

funny they're knocking the door the funny visual for sure that's good yeah also you know pedophiles are horrific when even murderers in prison are like we got to beat up that guy if he diddled a kid you know we got to kill him in the shower i'm like you murdered your dad yeah yeah he had it coming but that kid or that guy touched the cub scout we gotta kill him yeah that's funny yeah even fucking even murderers are like this guy's gotta go you know well they do that with everybody they do it with regular people too but they're like we really right oh yeah you kill regular people through the air but this one one's personal. We got to really... Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's something funny.

If I was a pedophile, I'd be in prison like, dude, you killed your sister. You killed a kid. I fucked one. What's worse? Right. And the other angle I had was watching the Derek Chauvin case, the guy who killed George Floyd.

I don't know how you could watch this. It's horrific mean just i'm out of curiosity and to see how the lawyers handle it really more so than anything but um yeah i mean it's horrible it's like the footage is the worst thing i've ever seen in my life and i'm watching and i'm watching and it's like makes you realize how much you have to dumb down a case for a jury. They're like, our next testimony is from a breathing expert. And some guy like sits down. He's like, yes, oxygen is necessary to live. And they're just like, aha.

And you're sure about this? You're like, yes, I'm a breathing expert. Like, all right. And then I want to do something like every person they bring in It's like you're explaining it to a four year old Our next Our police chief is coming in here So our police chief And is this the normal protocol For the Minneapolis police

And they're like no This was unacceptable And they're like a condemnation What do you expect him to say Yes this is our bread and butter is uh chokeholds and end in fatality is kind of what we do we're kind of you know it's kind of you're like what what do you expect yeah yeah i don't know where i'm going with this but there's stuff like the idea that you just bring in people and you're just like

yeah i you know i eat dinner every day I'm kind of a foodie I don't know Also like the chokehold thing Expert I thought Tried to do this a bit But I never actually Did it on stage But could be something like

Why are cops talking about These chokeholds and shit Every cop car Should have an MMA referee in it You know So he could go like Whoa whoa he's had enough Wow

He knows every Every time Like it's getting serious That's their whole job MMA referee in it, you know, so he could go like, whoa, he's had enough. Wow. He knows every every time like it's getting serious. That's their whole job is to stop fights before they get too dangerous. And that would be great to have with cops. Yeah. Instead of a partner, instead of a partner, they should have a referee. Yeah, because they know everything about the body and choke holds and all that shit. They're like ex fighters. So who better to follow a cop around and go,

okay, he's had enough, you know? That's good. That's funny. I think that could hit. I could never, I'd never get anything with it. I don't think, I don't know if I could pull it off. We'll see. Comedy's hard, man.

The breathing thing is great. I'm an expert. I'm an expert. You need oxygen. I don't know if people know know that I don't know if that's common knowledge But that'd be funny if you made everybody in the In the jury like alright hold your breath I'm gonna show you I like it

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