We Might Be Drunk - Ep 20: Patrón Añejo

Episode Date: April 26, 2021

Mark and Sam drink Patrón Añejo in the studio together!   This episode is sponsored by Manscaped! Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code DRUNK at Manscaped.com!

We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk. We might be drunk, yeah. Hey, hey folks, here we are, We might be drunk. We're here. We got a whole different setup. Some nice digs. I like it. A nice drink.

A little tequila. I like that when we were doing the Zoom ones, we were doing different drinks, and that was fun. But this is something about doing the same drink. Yes, we're on the same page. Here we go. Clink it up. We got a nice anejo. This was a gift from my pal Jamie Lynn.

Oh, she's the best. Yeah, I would never buy this. This is like, you know, top shelf stuff. It's good stuff, man. Look at that. I'm a clear tequila guy, but this is so smooth. Anejo is, I don't know a lot about tequila, but that's what, that's, the tequila snobs love the Anejo. That's what they always order.

Aha, well what the hell's a mezcal? I, I, okay, I don't, see, I'm the wrong guy to ask i think yeah i think like a is it a mezcal or tequila can be a mezcal but a mezcal something weird i'm totally off here it's tough it's like i don't even know why i started that sentence now i'm like i should just shut the fuck up well it's like when you call a cuban a mexican people like what are you crazy they're totally different i'm like oh are they they don't seem that different. You say, oh, are they? Yeah, I was just in Miami, so I did that on accident. Oh, yeah.

It got ugly. Don't do that. Yeah. I'll never do that at a cockfight again. If you're in Miami, you just got to go Cuban every time. Yeah. That's the move. Like New York, Puerto Rican. Yeah, good point. That's the guess the dominicans are mixed in and then you get a guatemalan and a venezuelan every now and then it's tough i was

getting some threatening messages i did a joke in i got this about where i say dating me is kind of like it's like going to the dominican republic uh you know it's like like you're like oh this is great for like five days but then after that you're like this has some problems i'm not aware of and i and every once in a while it'll get shared and i'll get like another message someone like i'm dominican and if i see you i'm gonna kick your fucking ass yeah damn and i'm just like the joke is about people being stupid and not knowing that their vacation spots have problems and then i'm fucked up it's kind of the reverse thing when you're shitting on a city. You're like, fucking Cleveland, huh?

And somebody goes, woo, I love Cleveland. You're like, no, I was shitting on it. They just hear their town and they go crazy. By the way, Dominicans, they have an N-word pass. Do they? I mean, from what I've heard. I think it varies. You know, white people are always like, oh, you're stealing black culture,

which is true, but so are they. I mean. Do they have a pass? I think so. I mean, go up to Washington Heights. It's said quite liberally. I'm just saying. I don't know the rules.

Now the Asian kids are saying it. Who knows what it's like. That's definitely not flying, I don't think. Maybe that's where all the hate's coming from. No, I don't think so. I've seen the videos. Yeah. This is good stuff, though.

I mean, I like a tequila because is it an upper? They say it's like the only alcohol. They say it's the only upper. But I never get like, I get like a temporary boost. Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. That is the first thing that the tequila guy's like, you know, it's the only upper. And you're like, all right, I get like a temporary boost. Yeah, that's true. That's a good point.

That is the first thing that the tequila guy's like, you know, it's the only upper. And you're like, all right, I've heard that six times. Then why are you doing cocaine as well? Right, right. But Bert Kreischer said, go clear, tequila, vodka, gin, less hangover. So that's how I got into it. Now I'm hooked. But this is an a-hole is hitting the spot.

It's where go clear is what they say when you join Scientology also, right? He went clear. Yeah, that's got a hangover though. That sticks with you. Either way, you've told people too much. Right, right. Is it true that Scientologists, they tell you all your secrets and then they just got you for life? That's the rumor.

That's what I hear. I think that's why they still have, I would assume that's how they still have tom cruise and travolta yes you pay a ton of money you tell them all you're like molested i got diddled i fucked my sister whatever it is and then now you can't get out like and seen we got it yeah yeah yeah you're fucked yeah that's uh it's weird if travol is, the other thing is that he's gay. And if he is gay, I mean, he was married to Kelly Preston, who I thought was one of the hottest actresses. So hot.

Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. It must be crazy to be married to someone that hot and not even enjoy it. I know, right? It's like you work at a butcher shop, you got all these cuts of meat, and you're a vegan. That's got to be tough. They must have fucked, though, because they have kids yeah no i mean who knows maybe he's by maybe

i don't know maybe after a while you you know it's almost like an epstein thing where you're like i gotta i gotta go something new i gotta mix it up here i've had the best is that did epstein mix it up well i think it's at first you're banging models and then you're like all right i've conquered that mountain now we gotta go younger and then you're like, alright, I've conquered that mountain. Now we gotta go younger. And then I think you get hooked. That's what I assume. It's like booze. You just get sick of it. Yeah, then you go to Coke. It's a gateway veg.

Yeah. I've had 18 years. Let me try something a little newer. Right, right. Yes, exactly. Tastes like a ninth grader. What was your joke about grape juice? Oh, yeah. You guys have a joke about that. It's like, hmm, tastes like a ninth grader. What was your joke about grape juice? Oh, yeah. You guys have a joke about that.

It was like when I was a kid, I liked grape juice. Now as an adult, I like red wine. And when I was a kid, I liked, when I was 15, I liked 15-year-olds. Now I like adult women, but I still like grape juice. So it was saying how scary it is that your brain knows to not fuck kids, but it also still likes grape juice. I remember the first time I heard that joke, I was downstairs at the cellar, and I was watching it with Nikki Glaser,

and we both turned to each other, and we both went, great joke. Wow. It's fun when you're watching another comic, and two comics are both smiling like, yes. Wow. See, that makes me feel better because that joke bombed for like a month and then you told me you liked it and i kept doing it only because of that interesting well people hear the pedo stuff and they just kind of pull back but i needed

another comic to go no no no fuck those pussies keep going it's weird to work out a joke with a little bite on it i know because the second you second you get pushback, sometimes you're like, oh, I'm not only a bad comedian, I'm an asshole. Exactly. Exactly. That's why I think edgy or whatever you want to call it, dicey material is so fun to hear because you're like, wow, he made it work. The writing was good enough that he got through that. Because even an observational clean joke is rocky in the beginning, you know, so let alone some pedo or anal or whatever.

It is funny to say, like, pedo. I think pedo is a fun, like, on Peep Show, they say pedo. Pedo, it almost sounds nice. Pedo. Louie had this great bit about, like, if you fuck a 15-year-old and you fuck a 2-year-old, there's got to be a different word. Like, that's kind of shitty that, you shitty that this guy fucked a girl in his neighborhood who wanted to have sex. Sure, it was illegal, but this guy's fucking a baby.

They're the same thing? We've got to get some degrees. Damn, that's fucking good. That's dark. Dark as hell, but it's funny. But it goes to that Patrice point of you've got to let us try everything. You've got to let us play. Yeah.

Because it's not all ready to go out of the gate. That's the good thing, though, is like when you go that hard, sometimes they'll be like, all right. I mean, they can tell. Sometimes when you, almost worse than going really hard is going like not quite hard enough. Yes. And then they're just like, is he not kidding?

Yes, exactly. You got to lean in all the way. For the record, it's a stand-up show we're always kidding but yeah of course but yeah sometimes you don't go hard you some like that's the good thing about jazzle nick he goes so fucking hard right and then they go okay this is obviously a joke this is like ridiculous but if you if you pull back a little then they're like it could be serious yeah you're right you were in miami Miami on Sunday? Were you there all weekend? All weekend.

It was a Friday, Saturday, Sunday gig. Miami Improv? Oh, yeah. Beautiful club. Amazing staff. Great, great weekend. Great night. Damn, that's like a classic.

Man, Miami is a city I've never done stand-up in. It's not a great comedy town, but this club pulls it off. I mean, it's cocaine and fake tits and twerking and beach. They don't want to hear our thoughts on anxiety. That's so true. They really don't. Dave Mattel won't work there. He's like,

fuck Miami, I skip it. He did an Insomniac episode back in the day there. It was pretty funny. I could see him hating Miami, dude. Oh, he hates it because he's like a little troll. He doesn't want to go there and he's wearing like all black and you know boots and a hoodie and a car heart jacket he can't go in the sun it's funny i posted a picture today and uh in my head i'm like this is like a cool pi shot you know from like a tour poster and uh i was like make it look like the maltese falcon alternate poster to this guy

comedy artwork guy and like three of the comments are like why does he look like no sferatu i was like fuck fuck it's because i'm so pale and i'm wearing a trench coat ah that's pretty good that's pretty good that's pretty good a tell one said to me on stage he goes sam you're a vampire what do you think he's so good he gets you on the way to getting you i know i know he told my friend uh sean murphy he's like this tall lanky did a show yeah You're a vampire. What do you think? He's so good, he gets you on the way to getting you. I know. I know. He told my friend, Sean Murphy. He's like this tall, lanky.

I just did a show. Yeah. Great guy. Funny guy. Check him out. He said, you look like a butler at a haunted house. And you're like, oh, that's so perfect. That's like poetic.

A butler in a haunted house. I mean, butler's funny. Haunted house is funny. And he combined it. I mean that he goes in some deep part of his brain that we haven't touched yet yeah it's pretty amazing that's pretty good goddamn miami though what were some highlights well i brought the lady we did south beach which is just like bananas there's no covet down there uh everybody had butt implants

it was crazy yeah and it was fun to watch to watch because they're all in bikinis. You could just stare. And I took photos and all that. But it was just so Miami. You know when you go to a place and you're like, this is exactly what I was hoping it would be and more? It was that. Butt implants.

Oh, they're huge. Is that safe? I don't know. I just read about someone who died from butt implants, so they can't be that safe. Well, it's like Johnson & Johnson. You lose a few, but you keep going. Oh, man.

But yeah, great, great town. And South Beaches, whoo. It was very poppin'. Yeah. I know they just had a spring break. They had to shut the city down. It wasn't even because of COVID. It was just like the spring break got too crazy yeah damn butt implants i know it's weird to sit on your implants

isn't that odd i mean i have a joke book in my back pocket that throws me off i can't imagine i can't imagine having fake i know fake ass i also think about like man sometimes i'll see a porn star with like a giant fake ass and fake tits, and they're ripped. I'm like, how do you work out? Right. I know. Yeah. There's an MMA lady with fake tits.

And I'm like, doesn't that get in the way? And what if somebody hits that? It pops. Now we got that whole thing. Damn. Yeah, it's tough out there. But the women, I was with my girl, and it's just so hard because all the women look like cartoon characters. Like Jessica Rabbit with the tiny waist and the huge hips and the fake ass and the big jugs.

It's like, I got to look. Yeah. You look like Lois in the Family Guy porn that you see on the internet. Yes, yes. Holy shit, I jerked off like a Marge Simpson version of this. This is crazy. I thought I was the only one who jerked off to this. What is the, what is, who does that?

I don't know. It's weird. Yeah, it's definitely weird. There's a Seinfeld parody. There's like a Big Bang Theory. There's all of it. It's weird to jerk off to stuff you like. Like I like to keep it's like separation of church

and state. Yeah, let's keep let's keep my shows out of my porn. Yeah, yeah. I know I'm guilty of it because we've all had the thought like, oh, Elaine or whatever. What if Kramer was plowing Elaine? And then they just do it for you. The imagination is gone.

Frasier porn. Oh, man. Niles. Huge. Niles getting pegged. Oh, God. I got pegged by Ross. And the dads in the Barclay, I was like, here we go again.

Underrated show. Great writing. What? Hey, shit, I had a thing on porn I wanted to bring up, and I lost it. Hit me. I'm all foggy from the weekend. Just tons of booze in Miami and then sun all day. It's tough because you've got the lady there, so you want to show her a good time.

So usually we like to rest during the day and then bring it at night with the shows shows i had to bring it all day and at night oh god it must be so i've never bring someone on the road that must be so tough i really value my uh i'm gonna do nothing time that's the thing it's my escape and like and then i look at my tour schedule i'm like do i need to be escaping this much yeah yeah i'm escaping a lot right right i know but i do like it i like i love it i avoid i avoid anything because there's you can just get out of any commitment come to my wedding i'm on tour i'm on the road i'm working i need money yeah yeah it's so true but you're the girlfriends they uh they see oh miami oh uh san francisco oh these are fun town i'm got i'm coming and i'm like all right she ain't coming with you to Dayton, Ohio.

No. God, no. I don't even want to go there. But then she does the wait, what time's the show? 7 o'clock. Oh, then when are you done? Well, there's two shows. Two shows? Like, get out of here, sister. This is how it goes. Does she ever just stay in the hotel while you do the shows? Sometimes, but she gets

bored. She's very extroverted, whereas I'm very introverted. So we yin and yang. But she's like, I'll just go. And I'm like, alright, but I don't want to hear any pouting in the green room. Because I'm like, I gotta go sell shirts. She's like, you're selling shirts? I'm like, get out of here! This is how it goes. We gotta get shirts

for this podcast. Oh, that's a good call. We gotta think of something cool. Yeah. And by the way, I know, I looked at comments for like the first fucking time. Hey, welcome. And forever, because I wanted to see what you guys thought of the new theme song. I saw some love. I saw some hate.

I don't know. I like it. What do you think? I like it, too. But people hate change. You know, we talked about this. You said people were hating on the other one. They were hating on the old one.

So I say you give them a month with it, and then we'll see if they still hate it. We'll reevaluate if we have to. But that great colin smith who did both of those songs he can he can shift his voice he's incredible he's really good i sent him a nice message he was he was very thankful great guy great guy great talent uh one time i saw him make out with a celebrity i'm not gonna say the same i know oh i think he did more than make out with her, if you know what I mean. Well done. Kathy Bates. Still got it. Black chick, right? We're giving them clues now?

I don't want to give it away. I'm just curious if it's the same celebrity. Who knows? Oh, boy. Who knows? Maybe Dominican. He's a coxswain. Hard to tell.

Damn, I had a porn point and I lost it. What was your early porn stuff? I think I was Milf from the get-go. Oh, hmm. Damn, I had a porn point and I lost it. What was your early porn stuff? Were you a... I think I was MILF from the get-go. Oh, wow. And I think we've talked about this, but I'm not as into MILFs as I used to be because I'm getting older. Yeah, they're peers.

And now it's like, she's like just four years older than me. Yeah. It's like, all right. Yeah, it's not that exciting. But I still am attracted to older women, I think. Oh, same, same. Well, older women are fun because not only are they a little experienced and a little weathered, you know, they got some crow's feet, maybe a sag here and there. I don't mind a sag.

I don't mind a sag, but they're almost like dudes where they're like, I just got to get laid and get out of here. You know, there's no like, what are we? Well, there's two. There's that, but there's also the like i'm mad i'm not married right now oh and i'm kind of like you thought i was the guy ah right right i'm like i told you i'm going on tour for the whole you know it's kind of like no no well that's why divorcees the best because they're a little more realistic they're like i've done it once he hit me in the face with a you know a golf a golf club. I'm out.

I just want to get laid. You banged Elan? Tiger. But, uh, yeah, I just want to like, you know,

get laid every now and then have a cocktail at a, at a piano bar and, you know, tend to my, uh, Malamute. I really just like to be, it's tough.

I, I have, here's this problem. I, I keep people around around but then i also don't want them there oh you ever do that so you're like i don't want silence yes but i also need to not be talking to you right now it's it's very hard for me like yeah i know i need like i'm not writing enough right now and what i'll do is i'll do a ton of shows to torture myself like i'm like well i'm not writing enough so you could have to say the

same jokes over and over again or you have to write a new fucking joke good for you a little bit but it's it is getting painful i gotta really start i gotta turn on the heat a little bit yeah but if the ideas aren't there sometimes that faucet is not going and then sometimes you get this creative flood of jokes and ideas so yeah it's all it's a natural thing it's like it's ups and downs but that's good that you know yourself well enough that if you tell the same jokes it'll force you to pump something out you know it'd be really cool on this podcast if we got to a point where we had like a professional bartender in house oh how cool would that be just like a dude in a bow tie who's just hanging back there Yeah, can he be shirtless?

Is that better or worse? I think shirtless with suspenders and a bow tie I'm in That'd be badass Patrice had that thing where he had a great joke He was like, I don't want to be alone But I want to be by myself Wow, he just said what I said

In a much more beautiful way So true though wow because you know you want somebody in your life but you don't want to talk to them basically yeah i mean which women will never understand they some do some really do because i think some of the same thing but uh i also just struggle to connect right now i'm just not connected yeah i think like the pandemics played a role in it i think you know maybe you shouldn't be though if you're not feeling connected just i think that's normal ride the wave ride the wave connected yeah yeah unconnect for a while then then you'll be

ready to connect what if this just turned in like a dark drinking pocket so i'm like i'm just not fucking there dude i just get fucking sauced i'm so alone yeah thank god you're not one of those drunks i value my friends because we all know those drunks who it's like dr jekyll and mr oh yeah oh yeah my gal luckily is a is a funnest drunk she's smiley even if she's like woozy she's like this is great i love it here you know and uh that's that's nice because i've dated the girls who just flip a switch. It's almost more important than the sex. Almost. What do you mean?

A good drunk. Oh, yeah. To be dating a good drunk. For boozy guys like us, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You've probably had girlfriends that didn't drink or not a lot. I have, and I've also had ones where it's a problem

yeah i've also had ones where i'm like oh shit this is like i'm pulling hair back oh yeah well sometimes that turns them on but yeah i know what you mean and then you're just fighting at 5 a.m and then she wakes up at 11 and she's like what happened last night you're just fighting at 5 a.m. and then she wakes up at 11 and she's like, what happened last night? You're like, what are you kidding? You told me I had a tiny dick and you fucked my brother and you're a lesbian now? Yeah, that was the worst. Those were tough times. I had a gal who was such a bad drunk,

I would debate, I was so poor and I was a young comic, but I would debate getting a hotel. What? Like, if she went out drinking, I thought about getting a hotel. That's how terrifying she was as a drunk. I remember I dated a girl, and it was her birthday, and we weren't dating that long. It was like we were only dating a few weeks, and she got fucking lit up. Yeah.

Like, to the point that she started vomiting in the street and I was like, I've been with you like three weeks and I have to take care of you. Like this is a bad start. Yeah, that's a flag. That's a real flag. Damn, that's tough. Did it last? No, it was like two more weeks probably.

Yeah. I can't believe I gave it two more weeks. It sucks as a guy though because you can't really get out that easy. You know, I feel like if a guy is a crazy drunk, a girl can be like, I'm nervous around you. What if you hit me? But as a guy, you're like, ah, I'm just sick of you puking. It doesn't sound as. You're right.

It's just like they're not there. So if someone has a drinking problem, they just it's guy or girl. Someone is a real drinking problem. Yeah. They don't know. Right. They just don't know how bad shit is. Remember when they when Hasselhoff went viral?

Oh, with the hamburger. Yeah, and it's like, you're like, this is it. By the way, it wasn't even that bad. He was just like drunkenly eating a hamburger. No. Which is like, I've done way worse. I did that Saturday. You get the leftovers open.

But for a former star who is like shirtless on a show, that is rock bottom. Oh, completely. You had carbs. Yeah. You're disgusting. It's funny. Mel Gibson watches his meltdown. He's like, I would kill to be Hasselhoff.

I would kill for that meltdown. Well, yeah, you have to videotape him, I guess. It's just. Yeah. Pat O'Brien had a legendary one, too. Oh, Access Hollywood? Yeah. What did he do again?

He just went off on everything, and he called his wife a cunt and all this shit, and it was wild. I mean, it was almost poetic how good with words he was. It's funny when people who are public speakers get lit up. I remember I did a gig. I did a gig for the New York Rangers once, and it was like a trump golf course i don't like it was a weird gig wow yeah i just got in the cat i didn't know where i was going i got in the car that's how that's how little i read itineraries yeah i'm like where am i going to like westchester i'm like all right so i start i start uh i go on and there's a pretty famous sportscaster there and he

and and i said to him i'm a i'm a, he reeks of scotch. Yeah. Hammered. And I'm not going to say who it was, but he was reeking of booze. And I said, oh, I'm a big fan of your work. He said, why? I haven't seen your work, so my opinion of you remains to be seen. Jesus.

And it was like such a, it was so well, everything he said to me was so cutting, but he was clearly shithouse wasted. Right, right. But he's still eloquent. Yeah, that was a bad gig. Oh my God. I bombed hard, dude. Yeah.

I bombed for just like Rangers legends. It sucked. Damn. And then Adam Graves came up to me who was one of my favorite players growing up.

I loved that Rangers team with like Adam Graves and Messier and all those guys and Adam Graves walks up to me and he was just searching for something positive

to say but he couldn't find it and he goes, I love humor humor that's all he could give me i love humor oh man brutal did you take his shirt over his head and start bailed on man that's tough yeah so many bad gigs so many uh i didn't know you were a rangers guy i didn't know you were a hockey guy i was a bigger fan when i was a kid now it's like i'm just too into basketball. And that's like, how much can I be into at this point? Exactly. If there's like a big... My friends were big fans. So if they're like, you got to watch this

game with me, I'll watch it. But I mean, I'm so into the NBA. I like to watch movies. I like to do stand-up. I like to do other stuff. We got a lot of interest. We got a lot of interest. What's up with the Islanders? I feel like they're kind of the black sheep of New York hockeyork hockey yeah i never it was weird i think they're good now i don't know i don't know enough about hockey honestly i think uh but i never got you never hear

about them it's always rangers rangers harry they're good now though aren't they even the devils you hear about no you know devils were devils were killers. Brodora was a fucking killer. Yeah, I loved hockey growing up because, I mean, the Rangers were awesome. They had Messier. I mean, that was like the most crazy. That would have been the best sports year in New York history, Rangers and Knicks winning. And the Knicks lost in game seven, but the Rangers were down,

and Mark Messier, the captain the captain said i guarantee you win and they won wow it was pretty badass to just guarantee it yeah that's some fucking hardcore and they won and they won man that's crazy that team was badass for sure a friend of mine banged a new york ranger whoa say what friend or what ranger but she said uh biggest biggest dong she's ever seen in her life. Yeah. Hockey players are the nicest people. They're nice. They're tough. I like hockey players.

They seem more normal. I don't know. I feel like if I met, I don't know, Brett Favre, he'd be kind of a cunt to me. But I feel like a hockey guy I could go drinking with. Yeah, probably. Although Brett Favre was in Something About Mary, which is pretty cool. Dude, what a cameo. What a cameo. What a movie. Brett Favre?

Yes, yes. They don't make comedies like that anymore. I mean, that was politically incorrect then. Then. But you know what? I rewatched it recently. It holds up. Oh, still great. Still great. Matt Dillon, dude. Matt Dillon. Matt Dillon steals a movie. I mean, when he gets up.

Everyone's great in it, though. His pants are undone. Rice-a-roni. The San Francisco Treat. These mongoloids. They're changing their image. Yeah. This guy had a drive-in theater for a forehead.

That scene, dude. I was howling. I showed that movie to someone who was like, what? How is this made? When he's tackling the retarded people. Oh, man man that was amazing Yeah he's Matt Dillon was gold

Lee Evans dude Oh You two should be kissing My hairy fucking bean bag Man that was great Chris Elliott Harlan Williams Mary

I love her man Yeah yeah You ever had a white head On your eyeball? I know that movie Like the back of my ass That's one of my favorite. Is that your favorite Fairly Brothers?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. By far. You take it over Dumb and Dumber and Kingpin? I do. I just like it better. Dumb and Dumber's great, but it's way sillier. This is just jokes.

I love Dumb and Dumber. Dumb and Dumber's amazing. I mean, Dumb and Dumber, it's a symphony. It's a masterpiece. People that don't find that funny, I feel bad for them. I've shown that movie to people who don't get it. What? Multiple people are like, yeah, it's not for me. They think that's some elitist bullshit.

Like, oh, this is beneath me. This is slapstick shit. I'm like, no, this is brilliant. This is like beyond... This is comedy concentrated. Jeff Daniels didn't really do that many comedies, but he's so good in it. So good. He killed it. But he was in no comedies, really. Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right.

Pretty ballsy to go up against that force of jim carrey too and he held his own he didn't even go up they were just like they just i think sometimes when you get a guy that good in his prime yeah you almost just he just makes you look better because carrie they were both so fucking perfect so good so good but she was so hot what was her her name? Oh, Lauren Holly. Holy shit. Whatever happened to her? I don't know. She was one fine piece of ace. Quite the redhead.

Yeah. Yeah, no, she was really hot. But why do these dramatic queefs, these Jeff Daniels, who's great, but I think Jim Carrey might be more talented because I think comedy is harder. Yeah, they're both great. I think, like, you know, Jeff Daniels is such a good dramatic actor.

He's amazing in that. I mean, just to show they both have those gears. Like, Jim Carrey, he's a good dramatic actor, too. That's true. But as Seinfeld once said, Greg Kinnear used to do stand-up comedy. Then he went into acting and won an Oscar. But he quit comedy. Damn.

Which says a lot. Will Ferrell can't do stand-up, but he's a brilliant comedic actor. Michael Keaton? Michael Keaton! Yeah, stand-up's hard. He was good, though, I heard. He was pretty good, yeah. I saw a YouTube thing.

He was funny. Very likable. Yeah, likability. Goes a long way. For some reason, it goes too long. See, I'm not likable. Yeah, you are. Shut a long way. For some reason, it goes too long. See, I'm not likable. Yeah, you are. Shut up.

I have to really win with zings. Shut the fuck up. You're not likable. You get me, but grandma, you know. You're not likable when you're doing a pedophile joke in Toledo. What are you talking about? By the way, I shit on Dayton earlier. I actually like Dayton, Ohio.

I should have said Toledo. Toledo sucks. Toledo sucks. Dayton is actually kind of cool. I'm there next month. Yeah. should have said Toledo. Toledo sucks. Toledo sucks. Dayton is actually kind of cool. I'm there next month. You're in Toledo next month? Oh, yeah. Funny bone?

Well, I'm taking all the tough spots. I'm doing Syracuse again. I'm doing Toledo. I'm doing a bunch of bad ones. I'll lend you a razor blade. Jesus. I know. I just want to get my set.

I feel like you've got to run it through the mud a little bit because it's doing well as a 45-minute chunk. But you got to see what's too cool for school, too smart for the room, whatever it is. You're smart and you're brave. I mean, look, I just got an Albany offer and I was thinking about it. I don't know. I'm doing Albany too. You're not going to do it?

I'll probably. I'm filling up here. I'm filling up. Oh, yeah. And I kind of just have to make choices. I want to make sure I can hit cities cities like chicago and sf and san diego this year and i if i take every city i can't hit you know cities i i really want to hit that's true but i do yeah i i do want to hit albany but i just shit i think i'll just sell better than those other cities so we are brought to

you by manscape the best in below grooming. Precision tools for your family jewels. Don't use the same trimmer that you use to shave your face as your balls. I've done it. It tastes terrible. Get Manscaped. They're simply obsessed with keeping your balls safe and clean. Manscaped, trusted by over 2 million men worldwide. That's 4 million balls.

In case, unless some of them have had testicular cancer. I don't know. Manscaped is trusted by a lot of men, guys, and we have an exclusive offer for our listeners, 20% off and free shipping with this code DRUNK at manscaped.com. Riff. Oh, riff on Manscaped. Sorry, I'm drunk.

We've been drinking. We might be drunk. You've got to get the perfect package. Manscaped hooks you up with a bunch of tools and formulas. They do have a lot of cool stuff. They give you the trimmers. They give you the ball toner. It makes your balls smell better. It's nice.

The wipes. The wipes. The lawnmower. This is their third generation trimmer. I've used it. It makes your balls look nice and neat. Yes. Makes your dick look bigger too. You got that right. Has a cutting edge ceramic blade to reduce grooming accidents thanks to their advanced skin-safe technology.

It also comes with an LED light and a more precise shave. And it's waterproof. Shave in the shower. Mark, tell them about the rest, man. I love Manscaped. You got to do it. I throw the lawnmower in on my suitcase on the road. I just keep it in there.

The battery lasts forever. It's a great trimmer. It's perfect. It's lightweight. It's perfect. It's lightweight. It's easy. Join the Scissor Bros family with Manscaped. Get 20% off and free shipping with code DRUNK at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code DRUNK. Unlock your confidence and always use the right tools for the job with Manscaped.

Make your dong look bigger, trim the hedges, get after it, folks. I use it on my face, too. Manscaped.com, 20% off with free shipping. Manscaped.com, and use the code DRUNK. Unlock your confidence, guys. Get in there. Hear, hear. All right, give me the top five cities.

For touring? For you. I'm talking your favorite city, club, a whole amalgam. This is tough. It's tough. Well, all right, I got to put Chicago in there. Love Chicago. Chicago, the crowds are awesome.

You know what? They combine blue collar, but also with city life, which i kind of like yeah so it's midwest but they're city people i love that i can't i i love going to sf i know they fucked up the homeless situation yeah they've really it is fucking weird you see like a like a dude with a shaved like a white guy with a shaved head flying on a hoverboard and there's a homeless guy and you're like you guys should have equalized right right it's complete extremes it's shitting on the sidewalk and then elon musk you know like is that john luke picard and a fucking hobo what the hell uh yeah it's rough uh i like those two cities for sure i it's it's tough not to say philly and boston too ah yeah i love philly

love i love boston, but Philly, something about that city. Well, that club Helium is magic. Great club. It's magical. Magical. I talked to him today. It's a great club. Grossman?

Yeah. Yeah. But how can I not say comedy on state? Ah. Madison with Wisconsin, man. The only thing I'll say about Madison,

great, probably one of the top three clubs in the country. Check it out if you live there. I wouldn't call it a city. That's more of a town to me. I know it's the capital, but it feels towny. But it's small.

But they got that big-ass farmer's market. They got that Veterans Museum. It's kind of special. That's true. Also, I will say I would love to say Denver, but I've gotten so little love from that club there. Really? I've been there once, and it was in the suburbs. I think it's one of the best clubs ever.

I'd love to play there more, but I haven't been there enough. Whereas like, yeah, those might be my... I always had a great time in D.C. Big cities pack it out. And then there's some weird small cities that I just happen to love. Like, alright.

You can't say Bloomington Comedy Attic isn't like a fucking great club. Great club and cute town. Yeah, cute college town, University of Indiana. You ever done the La Jolla Comedy Store? Magic, dude. Magic. Magic. And that is, it's like, that town seems fake.

It's right on the water. San Diego rules. Yeah. Yeah. I got to put them in there too. San Diego fucks. Yeah. They really do. They're a great city. Great city.

Yeah, it's starting to hit me now. It's like LA weather without the pretension, without the bullshit, without the Hollywood actor cunts. It's just great people and the sunshine and the blondes it's it's got everything they party too well said yeah it's la without showbiz talk 24 7 yes yes there's no producers in san diego man it's a great city though and that club that club's got so much history like it's letterman on the wall and robin williams and all these you know fucking leno it's just oh man those walls shake.

Well, give me yours. Well, I mean, you covered all the good ones. Let me try to think of some off the beaten path. I mean, Austin is awesome. Austin, Texas is awesome. Just did Austin. We did the Paramount. It was one of the highlights.

That's insane that you did that, by the way. Well, it's a capacity thing, by the way. Yeah, but take the fucking W, man. I'll take a dub. But, yeah, Austin I love. Austin's magical. But Austin's like hack now to say because everybody's moving there. Yeah, but I've had great times there.

I like Houston too. Yeah, Houston's amazing. I've only been there once though. I did one night there. So I mean, I had a great time. I opened for Z's in like a fucking arena. Wow. It was like like 9 000 people or something was huge you know it's an underrated club and i don't know i hope we're not getting too uh

inside we'll get out and we'll do p's in a minute all right stick around if we're too nerdy for you motherfuckers last club i want to give a shout out to because you named probably the best ones but i gotta say royal oak is a sleeper. I'm there in August. I go there every year. Love it. I love, first off, Royal Oak, Michigan, beautiful suburb. It really is, dude. It's 30 minutes outside Detroit.

Yeah. You know, there's all these indie movie theaters there. Yes. Les Amose, they're playing Who Framed Roger Rabbit. I was like, hell yeah, dude. That's great. Love it. Yeah, they're good people at the club

i can't wait to go back always love it and another quick shout out uh blue room oh in the ozarks it's in uh columbia missouri i think it's no it's not columbus i did a club in in columbia missouri once and holy shit they paid me shit i fucking had to fight every show. It's not there anymore. It was like a club on top, a fucking dance club on the other floor. And I think my opener was, what do you do in the basement? My taxes? Wait, this is in Grand Rapids, is it? No, this is Columbia, Missouri. I've never done this one.

No, that's the Bob. I've been there, too. Of course, I've been to Grand Rapids. But they've got the best coffee in the country at- Madcap. Mad at- Madcap. Madcap. Madcap. Shout out to our boy, Phil Hanley.

He would send me Madcap coffee, and he got me a great mug from there. I use it every day. What a guy. Best coffee in the country. Great coffee. Great setup over there. Also, I got to shout out Salt Lake City. Oh, dude.

I'm there next month. I can't wait. That's a fucking great room. Great room. Keith, the other man. Great town. Hot chicks and those Mormon chicks. Holy shit.

Every guy there looks like an out-of-work MMA fighter. They're all ripped. They're covered in tats because they're sober. So they just work out and do caffeine. Same with Sacramento. I'm like, is this dude going to put me in a rear naked choke? I'm doing a fucking meet and greet. I know.

Every guy looks like an MMA and every chick looks like a retired porn star you know they're all popped up with the lips and everything it's weird whenever people are sober they always have to go hard into some other thing you know they have to go into working out or or it's an addict it's an addict yeah that's why you know level yourself out with a little cocktail what are you serious anyway uh anyway yeah great club what give me a peeve dude all right i got a couple uh a couple of hot ones here oh i like a hot peeve all right uh okay i had this one in miami and it fucking drove me up the wall out at a restaurant Nice place with the lady. I get the, we do all the whole thing.

The drinks, the food, the entree. Everything's great. Then the waitress comes up and I go, can I get the check? She goes, sure. Pulls out the weird, you know, those new kind of swipey things that's handheld. See if they do it in front of her. Got to do it in front of her. And I go, you know what?

I've been selling merch all weekend. So I got this big fucking Miami Cuban wad of cash in my pocket that I got to get rid of. It's burning a hole in my ass. So I go, oh, let me just pay cash. What's the bill? Okay, the bill was 50. So you do the math. Okay, 20% is $10.

So I go, all right, I'll just give her 320, 60 bucks. And she's just waiting there. And I was like, what's the bill she goes it's a 50 she shows me the screen and i go okay i'll pay in cash she goes great and she just stands there i don't want you to watch it me tip you it's very awkward then i put 320s down she took it and left i was like no no no i think if you're a good tipper this isn't a problem i know but i don't like the idea of it because now i'm forced to tip i mean i was going to anyway but it's just like you always tip i know but i don't like the uh the stare down it's very aggressive like you know when you print out the thing you got a tip in front

of them they're just waiting i'm like this is one of your first peeves i'm not sure if i'm on board with i don't like to stare i'm on board with all your peeves that the tipping is very personal it's very intimate this isn't the good the the bad, and the ugly here. This is... I don't like it. Get out of here, sister. Let me tip on my own time. If I want to leave a loogie or a phone number or whatever it is, a condom, this is my time

to tip. It's intimate. It's vulnerable. Right. I don't care for it because now it's forced. It's very forced. I don't like forced. Huh. Even when my girl's like, I look good today, don't care for it because now it's forced. It's very forced. I don't like forced. Huh.

Even when my girl's like, I look good today, don't you think? I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't just force a compliment. I don't want anything. I want to compliment you when I believe it and see it. Don't push it. Can't stand the stand by me with the tip. Don't watch me tip.

I feel like a lot of tips are stand by tips, though. If you're at a coffee shop and you tip, is it because that's a volunteer tip or what? Well, that's different. Yeah, that's a bucket or a jar. Okay, how about a taxi cab? They know how much you tip? Yeah, that's true.

That's true. But at least I got the partition. He's looking the other way. I can kind of dilly-dally down here. This is just a lady staring at me, watching me count money. Hate it. It makes me want to tip less. Huh.

Yeah. I don't know if I'm on board with this one. I totally get it, but I also just like, you probably tip well everywhere, so she's probably just like, thank you, right? I'm a solid tipper, yeah, but I don't, it feels very like I'm going to watch and see how you do. Oh, okay.

Now I hear a little bit. Tip intimidation. Tip intimidation, and she can shame me to my face, which, look, I'm a solid tipper, but I don't like the implication. I'm a fucker. I'm spineless, so I feel like even if they're bad, I usually give a pretty good tip. I'm the same way.

Same way. But there are times, yeah, no, I feel like I'm fine with this. I'm okay with the standby tipping. All right. I don't care for it. I hear you. I got a hard one for you. All right.

Hit me. Go to get an egg sandwich at my corner store almost every day to the point where the guy goes, he goes the usual, and I say, yeah, and it's a good feeling. Love the usual. A toast to the usual, by the way. Yeah, here, here. To a sandwich place where they say, he goes the usual amigo and it feels like i feel warmth in my heart i like it he makes it ethnic yeah well he is ethnic but he also says the usual my friend it's a nice feeling yes i get now i get the familiarity i get the sandwich made the same way i want every day i get it every day and here's what happened today

i go in there i get cut off by a guy we i beat him there but he kind of cut me off oh i don't like that it's not just it's like a grocery store but they do sandwiches yeah but i go there every day and he cuts me off so i'm a little annoyed but like maybe he's just shopping for groceries he cuts me in line for the sandwich. Oh, not the usual. Yeah, the usual. He didn't order the usual. What he did was he goes in front of me, cuts me off, and then doesn't know what he wants. Oh, that's a problem.

You wanted to win so badly, you forgot the rules of the game. Yes, exactly. Good point. You better be ready. If you're cutting, you point you better be ready if you're cutting you gotta be ready if you're cutting i'm annoyed but be fucking ready yeah that's what you know what that's like and this is an inside again but when you when you go to a show and a guy goes i gotta get out of here can i go on early and you go okay sure and then they go on and hang out i hate that you lied the hang the hang it's a bullshit move. When they're like, I got to go first.

And then. Yep. Have some respect and at least hide outside. You know, smoke a cigarette. But don't just say you got to go and then hang out all night. I hate that. I got another peeve. And this one, maybe I'll redeem myself.

But I stand by the check thing. I've never, never not been on board with it. Your peeves I relate to. I appreciate it. You got me a little bit with the tip intimidation. The idea that she's there. Of course it's intimidation. I used to move furniture, and I always hated when the people whose furniture you were moving watched you.

I did it a couple times. I don't have the frame. I'm too lanky. I don't use my body right. I can see that. Got to lift legs. Yeah, I don't use my legs. I'm too light for my frame i see i need to

put some poundage on what do you think you're let me don't tell me 185 yeah about all right but i'm six three so yeah that's tall that's tall uh i should be like 195 probably ah you're fine you're fine you're lean god is good yes praise all, okay, so driving all over Miami, I don't know where I'm going. I got a rental car, you know, and the lady, the trade-off is I drive, you navigate. I think that's fair. That's fair. All right. So she is younger than me.

She's another Gen Z or whatever the fuck you want to call it. So she's texting all day. So I'm like, okay, what's the next move? And she's like, oh, hold on. Let me pull the app back up. I'm like, I shouldn't have to ask. day so i'm like okay what's the next move and she's like oh hold on let me pull the app back up i'm like i shouldn't have to ask every time like what's next so we take a right here jesus thank god i asked the rights right there all right what's next all right in two miles you take a left where hold on let me check again i'm like this is brutal i shouldn't be bothering you to get the direction so So that was a pet peeve. That's rough because you guys are a couple. You're supposed to be a team.

I'm all in on this one. She couldn't stop texting long enough to keep going with the race. So I had to be like, where now? Did we miss a few exits? I mean, it was a nightmare. That's not fair because you're doing, yeah, you're not texting. Right, right. I'm driving.

I was drinking. But yeah, it was brutal. I was off the dashboard. But other than that no that's that is i'm with you on that one for sure well also it took us like an extra 15 minutes because i was like oh now i gotta get back off the highway then back on the other way like we missed a bunch of exits it was a nightmare so just stick to the plan and keep keep reading the gps i'm a terrible driver so i try to be a good front seat passenger. That's my trade-off.

I know I can't drive. I'll come in hot with some good mixes. I'll give you any type of mix, too. I'll fucking go old school, Bobby Darin, Louis Armstrong. I'll go with some feel-good, Earth, Wind, and Fire. Bring it on. You make me feel like dancing. I'll put on fun music.

Thank you. I'll go low-key for the end of the night. Little Leonard Cohen, maybe you need some energy. Let's put on something crazy. Let's put on rap, whatever you want. I'll do on fun music. Thank you. I'll go low key for the end of the night. Little Leonard Cohen, maybe you need some energy. Let's put on something crazy. Let's put on rap, whatever you want. I'll do whatever you want. We'll have a good time. I appreciate that.

I fell asleep only once in a car twice with a comic. But I've been doing this a long time. That's like 15 years. That's pretty good. I don't mind the sleeping as long as I know where I'm going. But if I need you to navigate, I kind of need you. No, I try to be a team player here. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

And it's not even, look, text away. I don't give a shit, but like, come on. I shouldn't be asking you. Maybe once. It was once, I think. All right, you're fine. I heard about that, by the way. It was Shafi?

Oh, no, I made it up. I never heard about it, but we got the name out of you. But yeah. Ah, Shafi. Come on, he's young. He was young, yeah. Yeah. And it was for like three minutes.

I just passed out for like three minutes. Yeah. I'm trying to see if I... I think I had another peeve. Ooh, I got you one. Yeah. Good for you for being a team player. I don't want to do any of the...

I'm not a radio guy. It's too much pressure. Really? So anybody who wants to do the radio... It's the same with a guy who wants to grill. I'll grill. I'm like, great, you grill. It does hurt when they hate your taste.

Well, that sucks. But that does feel like a personal attack. Yeah, that's true. Where you put work and thought into a mix and they're like, oh, can you change it? You're like, yeah, I only spent two hours on it. No big deal. Are you showing up with a CD? No, but I do Spotify lists and I have mixes ready to go.

Oh, wow. I forgot about that. Because we do the road a lot and I want to make sure we have good music ready to go. Nice. That's very thoughtful. I'll do jazz. I like jazz because that way we can have a conversation. But if we don't talk, it's not weird.

Exactly. Exactly. I like a little jazz, a little up-tempo. Yes. Good call. You know what? Maybe that's my rec this week. I got a good rec.

Jazz. If you don't listen to Oscar Peterson, maybe my favorite pianist ever, man. Really? Incredible this week. I got a good rec. Jazz, if you don't listen to Oscar Peterson, maybe my favorite pianist ever, man. Really? Incredible, yeah. I don't know Oscar. Oh, you love it. All right. It's great.

Oscar Peterson, yeah, that's my rec for this week. All right. Anything, just put him in a Spotify, one of the best ever. So we haven't done a lot of music on here for recs. Good point. You did one week. Dr. Dog, yeah.

But yeah, Oscar Peterson, guaranteed you will like it. If you like jazz at all. All right, I'll throw out Dave Brubeck. Okay, I don't know Dave Brubeck. He's a great 60s jazz guy. Killer, killer. Take Five is one of his best songs. Check it out.

I'm going to check it out on the way home. You want to do a couple emails? Yeah, hit me, Harry. You want to do a couple emails? Yeah. Hit me, Harry. What should we do? Remember, it's WeMightBeDrunkPod at gmail.com. I got some up here, too. What should we do? A peeve? A wreck? What do you want? Give me a peeve.

I'm in a peevey mood. Should we do a drinking peeve or just a regular peeve? Either one. maybe a regular. This one's from Brian. All right, hey guys, saw Mark in Boston a few years back. Looking forward to seeing Sands when things open up.

I'll be in Boston in September, can't wait. Thank you. Beantown, love Beantown. I really do love performing in Boston. I love Laff Boston. Peeve, saying right is a conversational tick at the wrong time. Oh, interesting, interesting.

It should be used when there's an assumption of agreement, like when you're pointing out something obvious, right? Not when you're telling someone new information. That destroys the meaning of the word. Very annoying. Yeah, you're like a literal, you're a literal person here. Yeah, yeah, I'm with him on that, totally. Right?

Right, right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right. Sometimes he'll just say it. You know, you're like, man, my mom's a cunt. Right? You're not even listening. You're not supposed to agree with that. Yeah, exactly. Right? We got a ton of peeves. Jesus. Alright, give me a peeve. Hey, gents,

always enjoy a good rant, so maybe I can provide a few here. This is from Jeremy Well, or Wheel. While? When you are at a restaurant and someone you are with asks, what's good here? What do you expect the waiter to say? Better yet, the person then ends up just ordering a salad

or something that the waiter does not even recommend. Also, we have the internet at our fingertips. Look up the fucking menu, bitch. That's a fair one. I think that's a fair peeve i i definitely it's annoying too like i've seen people do that we're like what's good here and then they just go with the exact opposite yeah because sometimes maybe they're trying to be healthy and they're just like what's good here you know the fried uh macaroni and cheese rice balls and they're like i'll have a niçoise salad. You're like, why did you do that then?

Yes, yes. I've done it. I'm guilty of it. We've all done it. No one's not done it. We've done it because you want them to kind of say one thing that you're looking at. Well, sometimes it's not crazy because sometimes a place is known for something. True, true.

But it's still kind of like, just fucking get what you want. Right. Well, one trick. You ever heard of the law of averages? Give me an example. Well, one trick is you go, what's the most popular thing ordered? And they go, the salmon. And you go, I'll have that. And then you go, why do you get the popular thing?

And they go, because if enough people have tried it, hated it, liked it, and kept getting it, that means it's probably the best thing. But also it could just be a generic thing too. But what if they, yeah, I think, I don't know. Yeah, I'm not a big fan of that question, but I do think we've all done it. We've all done it because you get scared. You go, well, what do you have?

And you're like, oh, what do you like here? You kind of throw it on them so it gives you more time. And then you go, oh, I'm going to get the cheeseburger. And they go, get the steak. And you go, cheeseburger. Every place is like, we're known for our burger. Like, every place is known for their burger. What place isn't known for a burger?

It's a burger. It's a burger. If you've got a shitty burger, stop serving it. Right. Now, this is where I'll lose you again. I don't get the big burger craze. You didn't lose me. You didn't lose me.

If it's a great burger place, if I'm going to Minetta Lane in the village, I'm getting a burger. Get the burger. If I'm going to Paul's Burger, I'll get a burger. Burgers are not my go-to order. No, me too. A lot of guys get the burger. I think it's a little cheaper, and they're not taking a risk. It's a burger with fries.

You can't really go wrong. But I don't know. We perform every night. It's hard to with fries. You can't really go wrong. But I don't know. We perform every night. It's hard to eat when you're that full. Oh, that too. It makes you feel very heavy. That too, yeah. I'm not getting that.

I'm not getting linguine with clam sauce before I go on. There's a reason you get certain things. I love a burger, but I try to go a little lighter on show nights. End of the night, I'll go a little heavier. Yeah, same. But the burger's just too plain for me. I need a little. I'm from New Orleans little lighter on show nights. End of the night, I'll go a little heavier. Yeah, same. But the burger's just too plain for me. I need a little, I'm from New Orleans. I want some spice.

I want some diversity on the plate. I like a veggie, a noodle, a meat, a fruit, something. How about, why can't you do like pepper jack cheese, maybe like a spicy mayo? Maybe you mix it up a little bit. So what's your go-to order when you're being good and when you're like, I want to treat myself a little bit? I'm a big comfort food douche. I love soul food and chicken fried steak and meatloaf and pot roast.

Whoa, chicken fried. You are fucking New Orleans. That's amazing. I love that shit. I can eat that shit all day long. I mean, it's horrible for you and it's salty. But man. It is fucking good. I mean, a's horrible for you, and it's salty. But man. It is fucking good.

I mean, a good pot roast? Oh, come on. Yeah, I like the guy who wasn't satisfied with steak. He's like, we got to take it to another level. We need a fried steak. Yes. Well, I'm a big soup douche. Where do you stand on soup?

I love soup, but no one loves soup as much as you. I love soup. There's that place across from the cellar. I got a crab bisque the other night.'s pretty good i love a good dude if it's a good soup i'm fucking in yeah i love a good soup borscht is my favorite soup borscht is great but the cellar has hot borscht which is rare you like cold borscht no i like hot but i i feel like everywhere i go i'm like oh give me the borscht isn't vaseleselka, isn't it cold? They do both. They do both. Veselka, if you're in New York City and you haven't eaten there, support, man. One of the best Ukrainian diner in the East Village.

24 hours before this. Hopefully they get back to it. I know. One of the best fucking spots. By the way, Ukrainian is the most underrated food. Everybody talks about Italian and French and Mexican and whatever, but Ukrainian, it's like the pierogies and the dumplings and the meats.

It's so good. Kasha stuffed cabbage. Oh, the cabbage. You just feel like everything was made by an old woman with heavy tits. Yes, yes. A grizzled old lady who's just worked on a field and got beat by her husband.

Just a weird apron and, yeah, huge cans. Oh, this is another one from Jeremy. When you're on an email text chain with people and they ask a dumb question that could have been answered if they just took two seconds to scroll up. Interesting. This guy's all about efficiency and, you know, finding out. I don't get a lot of, like, work email things,

but I am on text threads. Yeah. Sometimes you get on one and of like work email things, but I am on text threads. Yeah. Sometimes you get on one and one person is like nonstop and you're kind of like, all right, dude. You can tell he's just doing it to like just interact. He wants to keep it going. You're like, come on, man. I'm a big fan. I just like one-on-one so much.

I'm down for like a small hang, but like as you get older, I would think about when you remember when you're young and whoever's the party is kind of like you have to invite everyone or you're an asshole. Yeah. Or you're either inviting everyone or you're ignoring a bunch of people. Right. They're calling you ignore, ignore. And then you get older and it's like the group, because there's not a lot of places to drink when you're young.

Sure. So if there's a place to drink and it's good, literally everyone finds out about it. Yeah. Bobby's texting me. Can Bobby come? Yeah. Yeah. So if there's a place to drink and it's good, literally everyone finds out about it. Yeah. Bobby's texting me. Can Bobby come? Yeah. Yeah, all right, Bobby can come. Then it turns into like 400 people.

Right, right. On one little fucking roof. That's how it goes. But then you're older and it's like small. It's just better, older, you know. It's better. It really, 30s are great, man. People are like, the 20s, and I miss my college years.

Like, nah, 30s is the way. I mean, 40, I'm sure, is hell, because that's kids and stuff. But 30s is the best decade. I'm loving it, man. Loving it. You're an adult, but you're still young. You still get it up. You're not too fat yet.

You got some hair still. And you know how to fuck now, and you know how to drink. Way better. Yeah, it's all downhill from here, though. Oh, we're going to hell in a handbasket. But yeah, that's fair. Should we do another peeve. Yeah. It's all downhill from here though. Oh, where we're going to hell in a handbasket. But yeah, that's fair. Should we do another peeve?

Yeah. I like, for some reason I like the peeves. Peeves have kind of. They're very relatable. We should do Rex too though. I had a nightmare the other day that I had an office job. Yeah.

How fucked up is that? What job was it? I had a nightmare last night too actually. It was clerical. Just like I was typing and I was wearing a tie and I was in a cubicle. And I was like, oh man, I hate this job. And they were like, where's the files? Where's the files?

And I was like, this is my nightmare. And it brought me back because I've done all those jobs. You ever have a job job? It was all part-time shit. Yeah. Nightmare. Yeah. I never did a real nine to five office job isn't that

i mean we take for granted like obviously we know we're lucky and comedy's awesome but the idea of a boss saying like you gotta you gotta stay a couple extra hours tonight like oh my god i can't even fathom it anymore i'm fucking grateful every day man i love what we do like i i do too even when i have a bad night, I'm like, I love standup so much. This last year has been hell. Like it really has been. Oh yeah. It's been hell.

I missed it so much. Like I was doing fucking rooftops every night, man. I was like, I can't, it felt like going back in time. It felt like, it was weird because I had like,

when I started, I didn't have people that would come out and see me. So, you know, there was that. But now I was kind was kind of like well people were willing to come see me places yeah but they were shitty places right so I'm kind of like I get them on roofs and wherever we'd go but uh but you know what's cool about what you did you put out the rooftop special and people came and saw you a lot you get a lot of roofs and a lot of sets and they get to watch that youtube and go we saw this guy that was my roof that's pretty cool i'm filming something at

the cellar right now just like i like capturing this moment in time there's something very special like the first night i went back and did stand-up seinfeld had like tears in his eyes when he got up there's something heavy about comedy coming back and just everything coming back. I feel for Broadway actors. I feel for people who lost everything, restaurant people. That's their dream. That's their job.

I totally, I can't imagine. So yeah, I think of those roofs too. And I'm like, man, it was, I look back and I was with Salicu, our boy who gets more name drops in this podcast than fucking anyone yeah i love it all right sally but you know we were shooting something the other night and someone like came up and with his friend on facetime and he's like i love the rooftop special so much i'm like this dude directed it right here and that's like a cool moment that he knows that he made something cool like it so i hope i hope you know you know i i

don't take any of this shit for granted even even we have a bad seller night or you know there's someone chatting in the crowd like there was tonight and you're getting heckled i'm like oh this is the best shit ever it's the best shit ever and i like the ancillary stuff too i like the hotel i like the road i like uh you like the road i kind of do too i love the road is that weird of us to like it? Probably. We're probably fucked up and we need an escape and we need to be kind of, we, I like variety.

I want to be in Denver one day and then Phoenix the next. We both push it away though. Yes. Yes, we do. We do. That's why we like it because the road is like, it's like all your,

it's temporary, but it's also like all my shit. Let me just put it over here for a second. Yeah. It's like, it's like cleaning your apartment, but you don't really clean it. You just grab everything and throw it in the closet. Throw it in the closet.

Yes, that's so true. I'm coming out of the closet finally. But it's so true. I like, oh, I got to go to Denver. And then you're in Denver. You're like, I got to leave. I love that. I love getting in and getting out.

You get a taste of it. It's like dating a girl for three days. It's perfect. None of the none of the fights come up yet before they realize i'm the dominican republic yeah yeah like you're in denver you're like oh i uh i don't have bills here yet i don't have to buy an apartment i don't have to get a job you know you're just in and out i love that i do i remember hearing john stewart once on npr he was doing terry gross and he said, I feel like a cowboy.

We just go city to city. And I was like, man, I love the way great comics just romanticize what we do. Yeah. Also, Jews are dying to be cowboys. We're dying, dude. Yeah. What is it?

Why do we want to be cowboys so badly? I think because it's such a Gentile-y thing. Closest we got was Dustin Hoffman, Midnight Cowboy. He died pretty awfully. That's true. But somebody described to me as paratroopers. I remember one time, this was probably three years ago, I'm texting with you, I'm texting with List,

I'm texting with Mackie all on the same day, and you're like, I'm in Albany, Mackie's like, I'm in Phoenix, Joe's like, I'm in Seattle, and I'm like, man, I'm in Akron, Ohio, and we're all just trying to get laughs, and then we gonna leave it's such a cool thing we just they need comedy here they need jokes they need a laugh here let's go fucking love it man love it there's a comic on a plane at all times you know in the in the country it is hilarious when you're just sitting there and a comic just sits right next to you on a flight and you're like, here we go. Yeah. There's a weird bond.

You see a comic in the airport. You're like, hey, where are you going? He's like, I'm going to fucking Tampa. You're like, I'm going to Atlanta. Oh, that's a good club. You got the whole thing, you know? Yeah. You got a bond there.

I love it, man. There's more. I'm like, yeah, I'm excited. I mean, I need to build a new act. Same. And isn't it weird? These comics who didn't do anything in the pandemic? I'm not saying you should go out and try to do shows because they weren't really shows, but you got to do something. We started a podcast.

You did the roof thing. I'm doing crazy sketches. I know you got a new fucking hour too. Fuck you. I know you have a new hour. 15 of it is COVID or 10 minutes is COVID, so it's not that long. Yeah, I just need a new. I feel like I got like 15, 20 that I like right now. Yeah, yeah.

And then I'll, you know, and it'll keep, I mean, on the road, I'll get to try more shit and feel it out. But I feel like it'll come. Each day, more shit comes. And it's like, I feel like I, here's the thing, what we do. We do so many sets. Like, I'm doing a few a night again. Like, I used to.

Yeah. And I start to hate my act. And I'm like, why do I hate it? Because I do a lot of sets. But if you get a couple, two or three new jokes a year, you got an hour. Yes, exactly. Or two, three jokes a week. A week. Or a month.

Yeah. But you got an hour. So it just makes you angry that you don't have more. But when you do a lot of sets, I mean, this is our thing. A lot of our friends, like they have a show or something. This is kind of all we've done always. Yeah, that's true. That's true, and I like it.

I like this gritty kind of weird salt of the earth nomad lifestyle. And look, it gets sad. Don't get me wrong there's comics we know and look up to where you're like man this guy's like alone and he's 65 and no kids no wife and just grinding it out still and i think if you play it right though you can be a comic forever like a bill burr is doing great he's got two kids and a wife and he's happy he's a millionaire and he's respected yeah it's a it's a tough uh wave to surf but you can pull it off yeah and well again in the 30s we can still roam a little bit let's fucking roam dude hell yeah should i do another do another one which one we're getting we're getting sappy about stand-up are we sappy it's you know what you guys

fucking tune into a drinking podcast if you're not not into shit getting weird every once in a while, that's on you. I'm sorry. I had a couple pops at the last show. This fucking tequila is good, dude. Oh, the best. This is pretty good. Oh, we got a name for bourbon. How about Road Gig?

Ooh, I kind of like that. That's not bad. That's not bad. I heard another one today. Callback. Callback's fun. I'll have a callback. It almost sounds like a pickleback or heard another one today callback call like i'll have a callback it almost sounds like like a pickleback or let me get another callback or road comic road comic is

almost too comedy comedy road gig i do like the old-timey picture of us in the bottle though yeah that's not bad we got a wreck have you seen seen, it says Fleabag. Have you seen it? I love it. Great show. Amazing show. Great show. What's her name? Phoebe Waller-Bridge. There you go. Yeah, she's excellent.

It's funny. I found myself becoming more attracted to her as the show went on. You know why? Because she's fucking talented. Talented. Funny. But she is pretty also, but she's- Huge mole on her forehead.

That's why she wears her hair like that. Oh, really? Yeah, which is probably why she's funny. Everyone's got to have a thing. You got to have mole on her forehead. That's why she wears her hair like that. Oh, really? Yeah, which is probably why she's funny. Everyone's got to have a thing. You got to have a thing. Yeah. All right, I got one from Corey Pichette. Did you go?

Did you read yours? I did. Yeah, I did that show. You hit me. Corey Pichette said, hey, Mark and Sam, huge fan of you both from here in Canada. Don't stop what you're doing. My biggest pet peeve is when you're walking in any major city with awnings everywhere while it's raining

and the fucks with the umbrellas are walking under the awning and still don't move when you're trying to stay under them yourself. Get the fuck out of the way and have some self-awareness. You got an umbrella. I need the awning. Always love you guys. Please, when life gets back to normal, come to a show

here. Love from Canada. By the way, where the fuck are you in Canada? It's huge. I love that. Come to Canada. All right, I'm in Montreal. Hi, I live in Vancouver. Well, you got to specify.

I'm in Winnipeg. Not that either. Okay, good. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. No, it's probably not Canada, realistically, until next year, I don't think. Yeah, well, you got to get that vaccine passport. Yeah. Uh-huh. Some people are pushing against it. We'll see what happens. I don't think yeah well you gotta get that vaccine passport yeah some people are

pushing against it we'll see what happens i don't know i'd love to dude i love toronto so much i love love it montreal i don't love doing stand-up there i'll be honest uh really do you have you ever murdered in montreal yeah i guess you're right i haven't they're fucking they're like they don't laugh the comedy Comedy Nest, I bomb. The Festival, I do okay. But those are comedy people, I guess. Yeah, it's tough. Toronto, you'll fucking kill.

Love Toronto. Toronto rules. Toronto's got a little stank on it. Vancouver, I do well. Vancouver is one of the most beautiful cities. Amazing. Expensive. In the fucking world.

So expensive. What about Winnipeg? I had a great, I've only been to thatnipeg i i had a great i've only been that club once but i had a great time that's a good club man uh that guy tyler's a good guy he runs that club great guy i was in uh i was in that condo though i can't fucking i'm done with condo oh fucking done it was years ago and i was of course i was i knew i was there after an la guy because there was like almond milk in the fridge no new york comic bought this i like it but i know new york comic didn't buy it yeah so true that condo is a bummer because it's like it's a condo a condominium in this building and it's it's also an old folks home

oh really so i'm coming home at 5 a.m with some you know big lady i'm under one arm and then you know old man johnson is in the playing he's playing rummy in the lobby area. And I'm like, oh, hey, he's leaving. I'm coming in. It was a nightmare. Yeah, Canada, Vancouver really is where it's at. Oh, yeah. Great town.

That seawall. But Vancouver is like the LA equivalent. Yes. And I feel like Toronto is New York. No doubt about it. And it's way more cultural. What's the word? D cultural. What's the word? Diverse.

That's the word. But yeah. Yeah, good place. Saskatchewan's a little scary. There's that one room. What's that room? Comic strip up the Edmonton. Woo, man.

Yeah, I heard that's a fucking hell gig. Hell gig. I mean, they call it these rig pigs. These guys who work on rigs all day. Yeah, it's oil man, yeah. Yeah, they make a fortune because there's good money in it so they just buy blow and scotch and they're like uneducated and they just yell at you they called me a fucking every slur in the book so you gotta it's just babysitting these rig pigs how was your show i got called a polack i think i don't know yeah uh i did a gig like that once in vernal utah it's an

oil rig town and it was uh it's like the saddest gig they were like we put you up in the nicest room i get there i'm like the honeymoon suite i'm in a fucking like heart-shaped bed with a giant jacuzzi i'm like this is the most depressing shit i've ever just put me in a regular room yeah oh man i did ac once and like we're gonna give you the sinatra suite i was like jesus sinatra suite who the hell am i i get there was the worst room i've ever seen the door came off when i opened it it was one of those like everything was like from the 40s like back in his heyday it was so dusty and shitty there's a guy in the other room just hitting a woman you're like oh this is the sinatra suite this is crazy yeah um yeah dude i remember i did ac once tropicana this fucking piece of shit ripped me off he never paid me uh right out it was a week after i recorded it was 2015 i recorded a half hour for comedy central

and uh and i'm in ac and it's of course like you have that friend who's like a degenerate gambler my friend adam who's hilarious but he's he's like a degenerate gambler, my friend Adam, who's hilarious. But he's a degenerate fucking gambler. Yeah. Gambles on the WNBA. Wow. You know you've got a problem when you've made it to the WNBA. That's great. He shows up shit-faced, just like shows up.

He's the type of guy, if I get a casino gig, he's just there. Yeah, right. Where I'm like, you're here? He's like, yeah, it's a casino. I'm like, all right. And then he's like, come right i'm like you're here he's like yeah it's a casino i'm like all right and then he's like come on seattle storm give it to me wow wmba that's hilarious gambles on every he's actually he's like you feeling good about the knicks tonight i'm like i'm a diehard fan you can't ask me i don't want to i don't want to fucking i don't want your money on the line on my name so who you got the spelling bee akila yeah go indian but uh yeah man

no he but he showed i remember it was that classic gig you show up shit face to your fucking hotel room no wi-fi it wasn't even like a hotel it was like a fucking condo on the boardwalk yeah come and shit face cockroach cockroach stomp and they just pass out drunk. And end of the week, they never fucking paid me. Damn. Yeah. Brutal, man. Those casinos are hard enough already.

The guy disappeared. He had like a fucking, oh, dude, what a piece of, I forgot his name, but he was a real piece of dog shit. AC is a sad, sad place. It is rough. It's got a good history.

It's got all this like lore about it. Like, you know, Dean Martin, you know, went down on a lady here or whatever it is, but he went down a woman everywhere. That's true.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah. But man, it is a bummer. Everything's like dingy. Everything looks like it had a heyday. And then it's,

that was 35, 40 years ago. You ever go to Tony's Baltimore baltimore grill in uh ac i don't know it's like an all-night 24 hour they serve you order you say i'll have a jack and coke you they just give it to you in a pint glass wow and it's like six bucks that's kind of nice it's classic it's old italian women they're just serving you pasta to it my brother did a bachelor party in Atlantic City. Nice.

And I kind of told him, I was hammered. I'm like, we got to stop in a Tony's Baltimore Grill. And everyone was like, all right. And we walked in, everyone was like, this place is the shit. It's great when you wreck a place hammered. Yes. Yes, good call. I do love a shitty dive like that.

But also, it's funny that Baltimore is their go-to. Like, this is the Baltimore. Baltimore sucks. Baltimore's a shit town. Hey, we're going to Youngstown Inn. We're going to the Chernobyl dive. Yeah, we got a Darfur cafe coming up. We're going to get a lot of letters for this one.

I started with fucking Dominican Republic, and we went downhill from there. We did Albany. We did Syracuse. We toledo and now uh baltimore we're fucked but shit town and you you guys left too don't give me shit every time i go there it's another but white flight oh we got to do a bit you want to do a bit yeah what do you got i got you want me to go first yeah please so this is one i don't know know. I think there's more meat in this bone. I hit tonight. I think there's something here.

But I was talking to a friend. He goes, I'm battling depression. And I was like, oh, I've never had that. And he goes, you never. And I was like, no, I've been depressed, but it's never been a battle. Ah, right. Every time I feel depression coming on, I'm like, you win. Ah, that's funny.

You know what I mean? I spread my cheeks. I'm like, do whatever you'd like depression you assume the position yeah yeah there's something i don't know where to go with it really there's something about like to me the idea of like here's what you do when you're depressed it's not a fucking battle you go all right i'm gonna wait it out right i'm gonna i'm gonna watch another sopranos i'm gonna order, have some coffee. I get mad, by the way, when coffee doesn't cure my depression. Yeah, coffee cures everything.

It cures that. A hangover, a sleepiness. That's weird that it cures your hangover because for me, it gives me a headache. Really? I mean, I do it because I need to wake up a little bit, but yeah, it's fucking. It's a cure.

Does that cure your hangover? For me, it actually. Oh, I crave it. I'm like, I'm so hungover. I'm like, give me a coffee. And I'm like, all right, I'm kind of getting back to normal now. It like kicks me into gear. Weird.

But maybe you drink so much coffee, it's probably just, you know, it's normal for you. I drink a lot. I still get a kick from coffee. I fucking love a nighttime coffee. I'm glad that I'm working again at night regularly because I love a nighttime, like a private eye. Yeah, I had one tonight at the show.

I felt great. You feel like you're on Law & Order SVU. You're like, what do we got? I know, like a coffee at a diner at midnight. I'll even get a decaf just for that look, that feel. Yeah, the taste is nice. Yeah, I think there's something to the depression thing. I have a lot of depression ideas.

I added to it. There's a lot here lot here i think there is a lot just about about like how you just give it it's not it's not everything's a battle right sometimes you're just counting the time till you're not losing anymore yes yeah it's more like uh it's more like a headlock or something where you just gotta like my older brothers would get me in a headlock and watch TV, and I would just get comfortable. And you have to wait it out. It's kind of like, yeah, what's something that you have to just wait for it to end, like when the power's out?

You're like, all right. Kind of like being the DMV. Yeah, there you go. You're like, this sucks. Hopefully it'll be over in three hours. Exactly, exactly, yeah. Something there. Yeah, every picture of you three hours. Exactly, exactly, yeah. Something there. Yeah, every picture of you looks terrible.

Yeah, there's something there. You shouldn't be driving. I don't know. That is interesting. It's true. It's not a battle. It always wins, and you just have to get through it. But it's how long it wins.

Yes, yes. It's more of a like a marathon not a sprint it's like something that takes long a long time not really because a battle can be just quick and one and you're like we won this one but this depression is like uh it's like a lease it's a lifetime battle yeah you know what it's like it's kind of like it's like if you were like fighter, but they didn't schedule your fights. Oh, yeah. You're like a boxer, and you're like, I thought we were doing this on the 20th. And you're like, ah, fuck.

Yeah, it comes out of nowhere. Yeah. All right, yeah. Something there. I'm going to play with that. What do you got? There's definitely a lot there. What do you got?

Damn. Maybe it's like being fumigated. You just got to wait it out. I don't know. All right. Just tell me this is a dumbated. You just got to wait it out. I don't know. All right. Just tell me this is a dumb line and I'll get rid of it. So my friend is Native American and he hates Jeep. He's like, I don't like the Cherokee thing.

He's like, it bothers me. I'm like, why? It's not like a dig. And he's like, I don't like them using our name. Or not our name, but our thing. I'm a Cherokee, whatever. I'm like, all right, all right. We'll wait until Caitlyn Jenner hears about the Trans Am.

Have you done it yet? I did it in Miami and it killed, but that's Miami. That's a Coke-fueled, you know. I don't think it's bad. I kind of like it. All right, all right. It's a throwaway. I'm not resting my keys on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or don't think it's bad. I kind of like it. All right, all right. It's a throwaway. I'm not resting my keys on it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or my coat on it. And you just hope she doesn't drive it. Yeah, there you go. That's not a bad tag. Maybe that's the tag. Yeah. That's not bad.

Yeah. All right, all right. She did kill someone, right? She did. She ran over Spruce did. Imagine being killed by Caitlyn Jenner. What a weird thing. How did your grandma die?

Caitlyn Jenner. Yeah. I love the guy. He gets hit and he's like, what the fuck did you do, dude? I mean, ma'am. He's got to still correct it that he died. You fucking ass bitch. Right.

All right. So that was just a dumb throwaway. And then this is something I've been working on or I've been thinking about for a while that I need your help on. Kids are the opposite of food because kids... Or wait, sex is the opposite of food because food, you want to eat right away

and it has an expiration date. You can't eat after this. But kids, you can fuck after the expiration. You know, food you eat before. I would say people because you can't ever fuck kids. Oh yeah, good point.

People, people. People you fuck after 17 or 18. Kids, you got to wait a few years until they're 9 or 10. You know, it's like food, it's good right now. Yeah. And once it hits a certain date, the milk is spoiled. But a kid or human, you want to fuck after 18.

Interesting. It's almost like you got to wait. It's almost like an avocado. It's not ready yet. Interesting. Yeah. An avocado, it's ready quickly. It's almost like an avocado. It's not ready yet. Interesting. Yeah. An avocado, it's ready quickly. So I don't know if avocado is ready.

I don't know if that is either. I'm just spitballing here. Food has an expiration date. Must have by. Food, you don't want to eat too late. People, you don't want to fuck too early. Interesting. That's the thesis.

Yeah. Like people have an expiration date or wait no you got to jump on food you got to be patient with people aha that's what you're saying there you go food yeah yeah you got bananas on the fridge you're like ah i waited too long and then mary kate and Ashley Olsen, you're like, oh, it's not time yet. Avocado. Do you ever try to eat an avocado before it's ready, though? It's hard as a rock. It's hard as a rock. Yeah.

No pun intended. But yeah, yeah, that's true. Avocado is a special case because it's like you got to wait for it, and then it's ruined. But too early is ruined. It's like they're ready. That's why I got to wait for it, and then it's ruined. But too early is ruined. It's like they're ready. That's why I thought about that for the kid or the person. But, yeah, I think there's something with that expiration date.

You know, you check the milk. You're like, oh, man, I got one more day. And then with a 17-year-old, you're like, one more day until the birthday. It's clever. Something's missing, though. Something's clever. Something's missing, though. Something's missing. Something's missing. Call in if you can think of it.

No, there's something about... This is a love line with Sam and Mark. There's an element that I'm missing here. There's something about... Maybe something with dating apps. It's almost like Fresh Direct, but like Tinder. Huh. Maybe there's something with old people.

Like some people are too old to fuck, and that's like rotten fruit. Your pussy's like a bad mango, girl. Yeah, there's something about... It's a chin scratcher for sure. Waiting too long is also a problem. Right. Yeah, there's a sweet scratcher for sure waiting too long is also a problem right yeah there's a sweet spot you know maybe it's just maybe it's just like you maybe the bit is just like the person in their prime 30s is the prime yeah for everybody i think the 30s is the prime right right and food i mean

it's the same with food a banana is too ripe ripe, then a banana's brown, but there's a prime. Although I don't know, maybe the third. Fucking some people hit their prime later. That's true too. But there's still a midsection. That's the meat of it. This is tricky. Maybe an old, fucking old lady's kind of like when you reheat leftovers.

You know, you get some animation back in it. Shit was like Big ZD right there. That was great. Yeah, that was her name. Z it. Shit was like Big ZD right there. That was great. Yeah, that was her name. ZD. ZD. ZD Johnson. Yeah, there's something about when something goes bad.

Yeah. Maybe you got to make it like a relationship going bad. Maybe that's the way to connect it all. Because if it's a relationship going bad. Maybe that's the way to connect it all. Because if it's a relationship going bad, you're like, fuck, I should have done this when I still could. Right, right. That way it's not about the looks and it's more about just like a general, like, oh, shit, I could have fucked. Yeah, it's a tough one. I think you're right, though.

I think there's an element missing. Well, if it's a failing relationship, you're like, man, this was the last day I could have done this. Yeah, now it's turned. Now it's turned. The relationship is turned. Yeah. Yeah, that's not bad. All right.

It's a clever observation. I know what the connection is, though. I know. It's a tough one. There's some guy right now screaming at his computer screen. You fucking idiot. It's about pomegranates yeah yeah maybe someone planting your seed yeah i don't know but uh i think there's something there and something maybe it'd be nice if people had their their date just pushed on them

so you could look at it like in their skin skin, it was like a tattoo. Like, oh wow, she's ready. Ooh, interesting. Yeah. Maybe it's go bad, like fuck, I wish she's gonna go nuts or something. Oh yeah, yeah. Must fuck her before this date or she'll get attached. Yeah.

Right, right. All right, hey, that's good stuff. That's something. Write in, tell us what you think. Email, pee, drinks. I lost her and my honey maple on the same day. I took her cherry. All right.

Yeah, email us. See us on the road. I'm going to be in Cleveland April 30th through May 2nd. Next weekend, I'll be in Spokane and Seattle, then Lancaster the next weekend. What's in Lancaster? I didn't even know about that one. It's a one-nighter, but I can't wait. Pennsylvania, then the next week I'll be in Utah.

I'm gone every week. Salt Lake and Utah. Every week. You can come see me and see Mark. Where are you going to be, man? Also Tacoma. Speaking of Baltimore, sorry, I trashed the town. I'll be in Timonium next week. Magoobies. Hartford Funnybone. I'm telling you, I trashed the town. I'll be in Timonium next week. Magoobies. Magoobies, yeah.

Hartford Funny Bone. I'm telling you, I'm doing all the tough ones. Virginia Beach, you ever done that? Never done it, no. I'm going to get my ass kicked out there. Portland, Oregon. I know some of you are going to be like, you piece of shit, you did a story about Virginia Beach.

I changed the city for that story so I didn't get sued. Toledo. Oh, boy. Syracuse. Houston Improv. That'll be fun. Philly Helium. Buffalo. I'm all over the place. Oh, you. Syracuse. Houston Improv. That'll be fun. Philly Helium. Buffalo.

I'm all over the place. Oh, you're coming up nice after that, though. Yeah, Brea. That's a hot one. I actually got Atlantic City coming up in June. Ooh, I'm sorry. West Palm. Oh, I got Arlington Draft House last weekend of May.

That's a fun one. That'll sell out, so you better fucking get on that shit. Get on it. We had a show already. I can't wait. Rhode Island, Providence, Comedy Connection, Richmond. Damn, you are going hard. Yeah, it's going to be a tough year, but we're going to really craft that hour.

We need another special. I can't wait. Oh, I got Tampa in June. I can't wait. I got Raleigh in June. There you go. Raleigh Good Nights. We got, yeah, a lot of good shit coming up.

I can't wait. OKC. Man, this is going to be great. July. Levittown, New York. Long Island. I took a pic. This guy's heckling me the whole fucking show tonight.

And I said, where are you from? He goes, Long Island. I said, I'll be there in July. Let me take a picture of you. We're going to have a do not allow for my show. Click. There you go, folks. Don't heckle unless you want to get dusted.

And then we'll film it and put it on the internet. I pummeled this motherfucker. Good. I did not care for him. No, make sure to email us. We might be drunkpod at gmail.com. Subscribe. Leave us a review. We don't really plug that,.com subscribe leave us a review you know we don't really plug that but you should leave us a review and uh yeah subscribe follow our shit

yeah we got specials on youtube uh all kinds of stuff so yeah come see us live say hello we gotta get some merch we're still working on that fucking rye or bourbon or whatnot we gotta follow up on that shit yeah good idea Let's do that. Give us some names. We're still Callback, Road Gig. We got fun ones. Late Show, Late Shift. We're still noodling, folks. So tell a friend,

spread the love, spread your cheeks, and queef it up. Comedy. Bye-bye.