We Might Be Drunk - Ep 202: Kyle Dunnigan & Blair Socci

Episode Date: October 21, 2024

We're doing some great impressions tonight with Kyle Dunnigan and Blair Socci bringing a great episode together with Mark Normand and Sam Morril. We might be drunk! Podcast Sponsors: Spice up your sex life & get 20% off your 1 st order at https://www.usejoymode.com/DRUNK Support the show & try Shopify’s $1 per month trial period at https://www.shopify.com/drunk Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD WMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ WMBD Clips Page: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Kyle Dunnigan: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kyledunnigan1/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://mspatcomedy.com/tour/ Blair Socci Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/blairsocci/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://blairsocci.com/ Sam Morril: YouTube Channel: @sammorril Instagram: https://instagram.com/sammorril/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: YouTube Channel: @marknormand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets We Might Be Drunk is produced by Gotham Production Studios https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ @GothamProductionStudios Producer Matt Peters: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters/?hl=en  @marknormand   @sammorril   @BrianReganComic   @GothamProductionStudios  #wemightbedrunk #marknormand #sammorril #podcast #drunkpodcast #comedy #comedian #funny #gothampodcast

Hey, hey folks, here we are. We might be drunk. What's shaking? We got the one and the only Kyle Dunnigan. Been there, done again. Been there, done it again. What's shaking? Done again. This is primo Dunnigan time. I mean, it's just RFK Jr. up the wazoo. It's Bill Maher up the ass. All this. I think Maher up the ass, all of it. I think the Maher is my favorite.

Is he in the news right now for something? No, but he's always on. You're saying Bill Maher's primo now, like he's in the news now? I feel like his show is bigger than ever and then now you pop up and you got a hell of a Maher. The Bill Maher reading to children was probably my favorite.

Oh, thank you. That was a big one. You know he doesn't like me, right? I know. I heard the clip. Pull it up. Why doesn't he like you? He went on Rogan.

He was like, and it was that reading of children was the only thing I'd done. And he went on Joe Rogan's podcast and said I did a terrible, well, he just had like, he does a terrible impression of me. He just brought it up in the middle of nowhere. It's perfect. Wow. I mean, it's exaggerated, but that's what an impression is. He's like, I don't know who he is.

I went to Hawaii with him. Do you think as a comedian, he'd be like, he'd kinda like it. Of course. Yeah, no. Oh, is he gonna watch it? Yeah. Oh, here we go.

Here we go. Plenty to talk about. Plenty to talk about. Plenty to talk about. Plenty to talk about. Congratulations, by the way. Before we leave. What's that? Did I say Klinsky? Oh, by the way, what's that? Kulinski. Oh, they go back. Yeah

And it's a very he brought that about a nowhere He doesn't oh really by the way, you can tell Rogan loves his impression. Oh, yeah This is the top of the show to his let me first got on got on. Is it? He was doing a terrible impression of me. I didn't know who he was. Have you? Went to Hawaii with him for a week. No. Yeah, and I know from other people, yeah,

and AJ Benz used to send me back. Why did you go to Hawaii with him? Bill Maher doesn't like your impression. It was a random story, but I was dating somebody who he liked and invited her, and then, so I understand why he didn't be there. Weird. But I think he already knew of the impression.

Not at that point, but this, him just like, I don't know, I just felt like this was like him being like, I don't know who he was, like he's a nobody when like I know he knows who I am. And then this other woman came up to me in Whole Foods and she was, I just have to tell you, I was like a waitress on Bill, waitress, on Bill Maher's plane and I went up to her,

I said, hey, have you seen Kyle Dunning's impression of you? And he turned away from me and he wouldn't answer me and then they made me sit in the back of the plane, I didn't get a tip. Oh my God. I was like, get that lady in the back. Wow. No tip for you, okay.

A Rosa Parchter. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah, I don't know, it's amazing that you. Okay. A Rosa Parchester. Yeah. Oh, holy shit. Yeah, I don't know. It's amazing that you're with him for a whole vacation just picking up his mannerisms and he doesn't know you. He was so mean to me on this trip and even my girlfriend and I was like,

he's being mean to you, right? I go, yeah. And I was very kowtow and quiet. I made one dumb joke and then, His N words was black people. and quiet, I made like one dumb joke and then, and he, like, As in words, as black people. He did a show, he did like an amazing show and I was like, I heard the crowd was tough or something,

I made some suites that, and he goes, oh, now he speaks. Oh, I hate that. Anyway, I don't know. Can we set you up in scenarios as Bill Maher? Sure, sure. You're fucking a woman and she can't come. Okay. Oh, I don't care.

Oh, I'm done. He's big into... Black hookers. Black hookers is a big thing. I was never mean to him. Like before this, I only like read to children, like whatever, it's like a stupid whatever. Pull it up, pull it up.

But he goes. We never even got to this by the way. But after this, after this, then I did do some rude sketches. Well I guess yeah, show this one for me. He asked for it, right? Yeah. Yes he did.

No, I. Did I say Kowinski? Sorry. That's a classic Hollywood move, this pretending to not know who someone is that happens all the time in Hollywood That's literally called Hollywooding. Yeah, there you go. It's a verb We don't lose I'm leaving if you play that I'm leaving, okay He's a terrible. Yeah, it wasn't, I don't man it.

People have done me and I can laugh at it. It's not that it was just. But he's your face. He's got your face and he's doing an impression of you. I love that he's trying to sell him on it after he said I'm gonna do it. Yeah. Does he play it as well?

He won't let him play it because if you play it I'm leaving. Oh, wow. I know. I don't know why he even cares. I hope that the waitress met him like right after this interview. It was, I said waitress, stewardess, but do it is yeah

But yeah this um, I don't I just I was funny like why does he even care? But yeah, I don't know it's a bother him. So so now go to Bill Maher reads to children Okay What she would never do that's why it's funny. I know, exactly. I mean... He hates kids. No, I guess you have to put in Kyle Donoghue. Oh, Mars spelled... M-A-E... M-A-H-E-R. That's so funny to hate. I got a million guys doing me. I've never gotten angry about it.

This is the meanest... This is the only thing he had done before he he I don't know I'm mad about it. Yeah It took NASA astronauts going 17,000 miles This is bullshit a cow couldn't jump over one of you stupid idiots during nappy time, okay? Oh, you're crying now. I'm on page two That's great, it's great well, thank you guys I gotta go Came here for a compliment. He should have you on he'll have you on eventually We have the other impression of Don. That sounds like weird.

And then he was shitty to that guy's impression. Was he? Yeah. Oh, really? I was really like, impression of themselves. But uh. Well, he has a very high sense of himself. Like he always says, I'm the best comic, I'm a great comic, blah, blah, blah.

Where other comics are like, I suck. Like David Tell is like, I'm a hack. Mar is like, I'm the best comic I'm a great comic blah blah blah where other comics like I suck like David Tells like I'm a hack Mars like I'm the king. Yeah, he's kind of he's all like Trump. He doesn't like Don't like the person that's like you that's true that's true. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not like You you hate Yeah, that's true. People who hate Trump tend to be a little Trumpy. You know the-

Balmo? Alec Baldwin. Oh, interesting. Well, you know all the blue haired ladies who are like, you can't say that. I'm like, well, you're like a dictator now. You're telling us what we can and can't do. It's kind of ironic. And they kind of ironic.

And they kind of have Kim Jong-un's haircut too. And body. Yeah, that's true. Boy, I'd love to see that guy naked. Would you love to see Kim Jong-un? There's not a stitch of hair on that body, I bet he's smooth as a seal, and I bet he's got a tiny, tiny little crab rangoon.

His belly goes over it, you're like the family guy where you don't even need to blow. Yeah, the Peter Griffin. Oh, that's about right. Oh, zoom in. Well, that's good stuff. By the way, that's never what you want to hear on a naked pic. Zoom in. That's true. He's all ball bag.

Yeah. He's got a fupa. It's fucking bad. Yeah. What does David Tell say? I want to tickle him till he queefs duck sauce. Queef duck sauce. What are the others? You do RFK. That's a great one. Oh, yeah. Did you guys hear his story?

He put a bear in Central Park. Yes. Very weird. Well, It's very weird. Well, it's so weird, but the thing is it's a really funny prank he did, and instead of owning it, he put a bear on top of a bike and put it in Central Park, which is like a bear was riding a bike and fell over and died.

That's very funny, but I guess he didn't think it was very presidential, so he went on Roseanne Barr's podcast, he tried to get ahead of the story, but his story was so crazy. He was doing the thing where you hug yourself when you're trying to self-soothe. Oh yeah. Because he knew it was off the road.

The first sentence he said was, Well, I was out with my friends going hawking. Like the most unrelatable. Ha ha ha hawking, hawk to a. Yeah, hawk to a. He goes, and this woman in front of me, she hit a bear and the carcass looked pretty good so I put it in my car.

I was gonna skin the bear later and eat the bear meat. He's doing a, he's doing like, I'm some, I don't know, earthy person, I keep a thing. But he's doing this all the time, and then he goes, you know how, I guess it's the redneck in me. That's what he said. Which it's like, I think if the opposite of, if there was like a test, the opposite of redneck

would be like a candidate. You know how rednecks go hawking? $80,000 a year for hawking where you have to buy a hawk. It's also hilarious that he's, was he still running for president when he went on Roseanne's pod? Oh, I bet, yeah. It was at the tail end,

but I love the self-soothing. If you see, if you go Roseanne Barr, sorry, RFK, Bear, I think it'll come up. And I didn't make up any of what I just told. That's the top one. It's the exact, and Roseanne Barr's like, huh? Even Roseanne is freaked? That's a bad sign.

It's a bear. She's a bad sign. The bear. She's a kook and a half. I like her. He said the day started with a trip to the hut. Put him in the back of my van because I was gonna skin the bear. Yeah, yeah, go back a little bit. Skin the bear.

A young bear. So I pulled him over and I picked up the bear and put him in the back of my van because I was going to skin the bear. It was very good condition and I was just like... The face touch is lying. And you can do that in the York State, you can get a bear tag for a roadkill bear. You're allowed to pick a bear up and put it in your car. You know how people... Where's Cheryl Hines on all this? She's like, you brought home a fucking bear now.

What do we do? You're already running for president. You don't have secret service. Now you bring a bear home? Well, that's the thing. He never brought that bear home. That's the thing. It's like he, it was always just gonna be a prank,

which was, he should have said, the end of it he goes like, I was late for the airport, so we just had to put the bear in the car, in the park. But the other part of the story, which I'll stop talking about this, but he, to explain the bicycle, because how do you explain this bicycle?

He goes, and my friend asked me to get rid of his bicycle for him. Which is like, first of all, how do you not know how to get rid of a bicycle? It's like eBay or like your, I don't know, the front, you know, like the sidewalk, maybe. Just put a bike there. Both in Harvey Keitel from Pulp Fiction. He's like, get rid of a bicycle. It's like eBay or like your, I don't know, the front, you know, like the sidewalk. Maybe just put a bike there. Paul said Harvey Keitel from Pulp Fiction.

He's like, I can get rid of this. Yeah, someone like, I'm gonna ask my, I'm gonna ask Robert F. Kennedy to get rid of this bike for me. Right, right. You ever heard him without the voice? Pre-voice, it's pretty wild. Just, it's so crazy to see him, no crazy voice.

He's young, he gotta go young. What happened to his voice? I think he got some kind of illness in the trachea. Do you think he would have been present if he didn't have that voice? It would have helped, but the bear shit doesn't help either. Oh yeah. Oh my god. Isn't that mind-bgling? It's got a level. About the case after the trial. That's almost more intense than Christopher Reeves before and after. Yeah. Oh.

That makes me, that's one of the stories where Mike there's no God, how she died right after of lung cancer. Yeah, that's right. Staying with him. Superman can't walk. What's next? Aquaman gonna drown in the tub? That's a little Bob Newhart for you.

Look how cute. Oh wow. Good looking guy. All the Kennedys are hunks. They all have good hair. That's that Irish stock. Pull up John F. Kennedy Jr. This would be my number one

if I flipped to homosexuality. Yes, I think he is the good best looking guy on the planet. Body, hair, face. Okay, everything. You like everything. I mean the whole thing. He's a Kennedy. He can fly a plane. He apparently can't fly a plane. Oh, that's true. That's one that you cannot. But look at that hairline. I mean, the thick, full head of black hair, the perfect amount of chest. That's the second thing you said about him

was the thing that killed him. All right. He couldn't swim either. Whitney Houston, she can draw a bath. There he is. There he is. Woo. Yeah, I go down the...

YouTube knows my, they know what you like and it's just like plane crashes and fat people falling down. Kind of looks like a non-Italian multisanti a little bit. A little, yeah. Italian hot boss. But look at that, I mean that is a man. Handsome guy.

Woo! Got the good smile, he's got the suit. He's kind of, he kind of sounded dim though. Did he sound dim? I never listened to him. He's kind of talking like this. Good looking people I never listened to him. He's gotta talk like this. Good looking people I don't listen to. Man or woman.

But that plane crash, oh my God. The terror they must have felt because it was dark. And all you do is you hear the screaming sound of the wind going by. You know, because you don't really feel it. You don't like have a good sense of like whether you're up, down or sideways. When you can't really feel it. You know, like have a good sense of like whether you're up, down or sideways when you can't see the horizon,

but you hear like the sound of just, and then the girl in the back and her sister was there and her sister was probably like, what am I doing in this plane right now? Wait, wait, you've heard the plane footage? No, but just knowing that dive bomb, I haven't heard actually any of that, but the speeds, you know?

My dad had a very similar plane. Did he die? No, he's fine. Oh, geez. No, he did die, he didn't die in a plane crash. Okay, all right. I heard that Stephen Colbert's dad, brother, and cousin were all in it.

I think two brothers, he lost a lot of family. Pull it up. Plan crash. Crazy story. Well you know the Kennedys, there's like six. Six in a plane. That's why the mother said to him, she asked him not to fly his plane

when he went to get a electric. Oh wow. And then he died. Two older brothers. Damn, dad and two older brothers, wow. Plane crash after. Was that one plane crash? Okay.

It crashed in North Carolina. Can you see how many plane crashes the Kennedy family's been in? Because I think it's something like six. Damn. I hope I'm not wrong, I hope I'm wrong. Well the Irish. World War II and stuff?

Yeah, his brother died in World War II in a plane crash. And then a sister died, she was dating the prince of some place. Mm-hmm plane crash John see they're riding around on those single-engine Cessnas all day. That's what rich people do they got the mini planes for plane crashes Okay, I was four is pretty good It was only for Kyle Really you're wrong. Yeah, I'm right. I told you there was no God. So terrific. You do Trump too? Yeah, but I did Trump very early but I feel

like everyone does it better. Yeah, who else? Who the more? You do Caitlyn Jenner. Yeah. Oh, that's a great one. Lady driver coming through baby. Yeah, baby, it's got Austin Powers in there Thank You Randy You'll forget about that Alec hard crash, but yeah, you do a lot of people who have killed people Let's get good. Can you do Alec Baldwin? Um, yeah, what's Alec Baldwin? my wife, Ilaria I do like the quiet Alec Baldwin? Yeah, with Alec Baldwin. My wife, Ilaria. I do like the quiet Alec Baldwin. Do you think Baldwin or RFK have seen this?

RFK must have met you. I did meet him backstage once at Largo. He was backstage. Really? He loves comedy. Yeah, why was he there? Probably with Cheryl. Yeah, she was there. Yeah, maybe she was performing. He loves Tim Dill was he there? Probably with Cheryl. Yeah, she was there. Yeah, maybe she was performing.

He loves Tim Dill and he loves Rogan. He's always in that world. He did kill Tony once. Oh, he did? Yeah, he did a set and he really bombed. Wait a minute, RFK Jr. comedy set? At the forum. Can we see that?

It's really bad. Another Kennedy death? Oh, this is hilarious. Yeah, I'll tell you about it. Cucumber bad another I know I wish somebody sniped and she goes cucumber how to say cucumber this is a low point she pretends not to remember an American in a let's see this let's pull it up And how do you say it in English? Cucumbers? Cucumbers. What?

Whoa! How do you say cucumber? Whoa! You grew up in Massachusetts. Whoa! Here's the question, why did Alec Baldwin, I understand coming in her once. Sure. Why seven times?

Yeah. I mean more than that obviously, but like why? He looks exhausted. Siete. Have you seen him lately? He looks so tired. Oh, he's got all those kids and that Hispanic wife. If she doesn't clean around the house, you gotta be like,

hey, hey, you gotta keep up with Hispanic part everywhere. Of all the loads he's shot, the worst ones have been in her. It's an amazing home. Boy, she is very fertile. I know, right? He started at what, like 55, he started having these kids? Because he's gotta be. No, he's gotta be older, look at him.

Yeah, and having him. But when he started. One, two, three, four, five. Having a pregnant wife now is so much work. Imagine doing that five times, it's insane. Imagine picking out that many matching pajama sets. That gives me anxiety. That's true.

That would make it more trigger. It was at one, two, three, four, five, six, seven kids. Seven, holy, and she looks great, she hung in there. four, five, six, seven kids. Holy, and she looks great, she hung in there. She's like a yogi. Ah. But still. How old is he?

How old is he? He's gotta be 65. There is actually, you can see he's got some Instagrams. I was like, he probably has like mid-50s when he started. Are they still making Rust? Full head of hair. Rust 2. I think Tignitara replaced. He probably was in mid 50s when he started. Are they still making Rust? Full head of hair. Rust 2. Electric. Electric.

I think Tignitar will replace. Well that was Delia in another movie. Wow. Rust 2. Oh yeah, we had another thing. I can't remember. That naughty little fatty. You never met Alec?

No, I never met him. He's got an Instagram. If you want to see, you could read through that. He does seem miserable. He's like, sure, I miss, you know, golf with the friends and poker nights and going to the movies. And he just lists like for 20 minutes. But they're great. I love them.

I love my kids. I love my kids. Yeah. 20 more things. Damn. Yeah, the years of when I was, when I was younger, I feel like a lot of people had five kids, four kids. You don't see that as much anymore. No. That was one or none.

Well, it's like people aren't sound, people are being more honest and you just, whenever I meet people, they're like, don't do it. They're just like, it's real hard. It's not a... Well, you don't have no... Everyone is depressed, everyone's like, I'm depressed, life is horrible, there's so much hate in the world,

and then you're like, you want a kid? They're like, well, I don't wanna ruin my life. I'm like, oh yeah, I thought your life was depressed and ruined and worthless. What's Dan Natterman's joke about this? Oh yeah, about the car? He's like, yeah, they don't sell out like, oh, this thing, it's a lot of work,

there's gonna be good days and bad days. Yeah, he goes, how's this car? And he goes, it's not easy. Yeah. Oh, maybe that's thing, it's a lot of work, you know, there's gonna be good days and bad days. Yeah, he goes, how's this car? And he goes, it's not easy. Yeah. Oh, maybe that's about marriage, works. Marriage, yeah, it's about marriage. But yeah, marriage is tough. That's a great bit.

He has some great ones, man. Oh, yeah. But. Big fan. So what do you, on the road, do you do the impressions or do you do an act? You know, I just started to incorporate them more because I do feel like people like impressions and I... Oh, people love them.

I actually have been writing music and I have this one song that I'm writing right now that... Oh no. I put like a bunch of, yeah, yeah. The music guy now? Come on! Yeah. You bring your guitar on the road?

I have them put a piano out for me. All right. And every club. And I have a band. Sometimes I bring like the band with me. It's really fun, yeah. Really, you got a band? Yeah, we perform at Joe's Pub.

You know, Joe's Pub here. Yeah, we do that every few months. Wow. Look, I know you look down on guitar comics, but that's what I am. That's what I am now. No. You gonna get an easel?

I might. Oh, come on. That's what I am now. No, you gonna get an easel? I might. Come on. I do a bunch of different, like I go from one thing to the next, and it does, because I'll start with stand up, because it's hard to go back to stand up. Yeah. Who's this guy?

Hey, sit down. Come on in. Oh yeah, go pee. I'll come down to the bus station, slap the dick out of your mouth when you're working. That, yeah, go pee That hey Rosebud, you know Kyle hi, oh yeah, this is a classic favorite guitar comic Oh No, oh Jesus Christ That's when you really need a two-camera shoot though No, what do you think folks? Okay? Okay? Wow, that's gonna be you lawsuit. Yeah

Man, that's why I got a lot of views on it. Oh, yeah, that's a classic video They should play that every comedy club before you go on. This is from 18 years ago It looks like it's me looks like yeah, that's RFK Man that must have been Boston I guess. I don't know. But crazy times. That was back, isn't it amazing how much fucked up shit has happened in a comedy club before cameras? Like how many sets do you have in your early years where you're like, man, I wish that

was filmed. Oh, I have a lot where I'm glad there was no camera. Wow, that too. Yeah, first time I did stand up a guy said, two weeks earlier a guy died. In the crowd the crowd comedian killed Heckler guy what yeah what stabbed his eye with a stick and like what yeah on stage No after the show like in the parking lot, and I was like cool business Wait which comedian was this I

Don't even know it it was such a shitty, it wasn't even like a comedy club. It was like they had magic and open mic thing. Yeah. I don't remember. Like who was- And he murdered an audience member? He murdered some guy. This is what this guy told me.

I was like, oh. Whoa. He goes home to his wife, how was your set? I killed. One guy. Killed a person. Hi, how are ya? Yeah.

Nice to meet you. Kyle. Hey, how are ya? Hey folks, we might be joined by we're out here by Joy Mode. It's tempting to pick up some boner pills when you're grabbing a chopped cheese at the bodega, but save yourself the headache. Most of that stuff isn't great for you and it comes with a bunch of side effects. When you're looking for a good time, try Joy Mode.

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Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that Heinz ketchup uses damn Sign up for $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com Slash drunk all lowercase go to Shopify.com Slash drunk to upgrade your selling today Shopify.com slash drunk. Good to see ya. Thanks for coming. Blair's got a new YouTube special. Check out Blair's special and if you want to drink you would more than have to oblige you. Kyle wasn't drinking so we weren't drinking but I'm the bummer I guess. You're a big bummer. Well, it's 2.30 in the afternoon.

Never stopped us before. It does seem early. What is your vice? You guys potheads? No, my vice, I keep having to try to work on things that no one asks for, and I constantly feel like I need to busy myself, and yeah, workaholic, but. Oh, really?

I've never seen you working. I know, but I trash a lot of what I make. Oh, okay. Mine is gummies and self-improvement too, dichotomous, better hellish. Right. Yeah. I do the gummies as well. At night to sleep and I'm like,

I gotta get it, how old am I? No, I'm the same way. I gotta get all fit. You don't like get high during the day or? Never during the day and never outside my apartment because I don't speak after. You know, I just go full mute. Like I can't, it's just like I'm only alive

inside my own body. Right. Yeah. I gotta get some of those for my girlfriend. Daddy. Daddy brod. Do you find, because sometimes I'll wake up a little groggy and I feel like I missed a mental step

with the weed gummies. Do you feel fine in the morning? I mean, I'm so used to it at this point, but no, I don't think it's good for speeding up the synapses. Okay. I think it makes you slow as shit. Ugh, I gotta get off of.

I get the weed hangover, I don't like it. Yeah. I went to a sleep therapist who said that that gummies eventually you don't sleep well and does the opposite Did you find that how long you've been doing it? Oh, I sleep like a baby on them. Really? Yeah Yeah, it's bad. The only thing that works. Can you do the sleep therapist is Bill Maher? Oh, okay people Really think pot helps you sleep Okay, he's smokes a lot of weed. Yeah, he's big into it.

Big weed guy. He does it on his podcast. Yeah. Oh, that's chic. Yeah, I guess. He's lighting one up. We might be high. Yeah, there you go. That'd be a bad pot. Yeah, that'd be really boring and slow.

A lot of people, though, I'd see comics go up high. I'd be in awe of Big J, not just going up high, but he would do great crowd-rope. I know. And I went on once high, and I was like, this is the worst set of my life. Of course, yeah. I'm like, I feel the bomb. Yeah, I have the dumbest thoughts.

I'm like, popcorn is good. Like, I don't ever think of anything, you know, just regular No, and then you start bombing then you think about bombing and then you think about that Then you think about that and you just you're like off in another dimension while they're just staring at you Yeah, your time is slower. So you're bombing longer That was the worst thing about zoom comedy was you're bombing in your room So like now I'm in my room bombing and you close your laptop and you're like, oh, I'm still here.

I'm still swimming in this feeling. That was the worst. The Zoom shows. That was really tragic because it was just like this doesn't, this isn't the art form. No, no way. You got all these little boxes and you're like, is that guy laughing in the top right? No, he's not

Okay, it sucks to bomb in places that are like they give you peace in some sort of way cuz like a comedy club You're like, all right, that's where that happens But like I did a gig at the Strand bookstore once and I'm like I like coming here Yeah, I fucking ate it. Yeah, you know, it's like you guys are ruining the store for me. Like this store makes me happy Yeah, it's like having a breakup with someone and you don't want to go to the restaurant. Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah. I've bombed in front of my hero

and I can't even want this stuff anymore. Who's your hero? Tony Robbins. Is that true? No, it's not my hero, but I did read some of his books when I was younger and I liked Tony Robbins. Really? And I mean, he's kind of a, now I think he's a psycho,

because I bombed at his birthday party, so now I have to demonize him. And then I feel better. What? You performed for his birthday? You don't even understand how badly I bombed. Like, I could picture it. What did you talk about?

Well, here's the thing. First they go, because Tony wanted me at his birthday, no idea who... He's a fan. So, I had his handlers, they go, because Tony wanted me at his birthday. No idea who. He's a fan. So I had his handlers did like a Zoom call with me and they were like, Tony, why don't you do a big screening. It'll be Joe Biden and he'll introduce you.

He'll say the president's here and then you'll come up on the screen. I was like, oh, I'm a little worried they're gonna think the president's really there because he doesn't meet these presidents and then they'll be disappointed. And they were like, this is, we're a cult. That's what Tony wants, you know?

There's no arguing or whatever. So I was like, okay. So I get, it just was like, I knew in the back of my head this was bad. You need your subconscious figures out before you do. Because later I figured out, first of all, the intro of me was so huge. He goes, ladies and gentlemen, you know Tony Robbins?

Oh yeah. He's literally a giant, like he. How tall is he in real life? He's seven feet tall. No, get out of here. He's at least six, eight. He's really tall. Six, six, six.

He has, look at this picture. He has giant syndrome. He does, look at that mug on him. He does, he has a tumor action, has pituitary gland and he never removed it and it pumps out growth hormones, that's why he's that big. Oh, that's why he's so happy.

Yeah, and he never got it removed. But, see, so what happened with the bug? So he goes like, he goes, have I ever disappointed you before? And they're all like, nah. Like everyone is pumped up with this weekend of like you can do it or whatever. Yeah.

And they're just like, rah. And he goes, ladies and gentlemen, I have a big surprise for you. Now the guy before me was the secretary of treasury. Oh. Okay, he was there interviewing him. Went way over by the way. Who wants that guy at their birthday?

I need the Secretary of Treasury. Well this is like his birthday, but also like this weekend of his like prime members. And then talk about Zoom, just like TV, he has an amazing studio, and just like TVs around the world zooming in. Whoa. 300 people in seats.

Oh my God. And what's the Secretary of Treasury? He was, the guy's like a criminal This is back like during like it was like 2008 crisis was like his fault Larry Sumners, oh yeah, I remember he talks like this and he was Yeah, now Summers. Yeah, and he's putting a different name. He's What year was that you think you did this? Oh, this is 2020

Twenty-one. Oh, it's recent. Yeah over time and and he's getting laughs and that to me. I'm like, I'm like this is definitely So good sign though if he's getting laughs The same way I'd be like if they're laughing at this shit. Yeah. I see, I didn't feel that. But it was corny shit they were laughing at. I don't get why this guy gives a speech. Who's after you, the attorney general?

Well, he was interviewing him and he was just talking about whatever. So, he was, so it's very believable that the president would zoom in, is what I'm saying. Okay. This guy was just on stage. That makes sense. Right, because they're not saying he's here, they're saying he's on Zoom.

Yeah, and so then they show a package of Tony meeting every president, since he's taffed. Like just like Tony meeting. So he goes, ladies and gentlemen, zooming in. And he talks, Tony's like, zooming in from Washington DC. And already the crowd's like, ah! Yeah. The president of the United, and then I come up with my crappy wig on the screen,

and the whole audience goes, oh. Oh. And I'm like, hey, it's Tony Bologna's birthday. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Dead silence. Like, dead silence, dead silence. And in my head, I'm like, this is the funniest thing I have. silence, dead silence. And in my head I'm like, this is the funniest thing I have.

This is dead silence. This just gets worse. You open with the closer. So then I had to introduce myself, and I'm like, no, Kyle Dunning, I need to do some comedy. And I was behind the screen, so I come up from behind the screen, and they all just stand up and start cheering, but I just bombed

and so I was like, what is this weird thing? And then after I realized, like, oh, they're like so indoctrinated, like you, when someone enters, you give them all your energy. So they were doing that thing, but it seemed sarcastic because I was bombing, I'm like, yay, you're the one who stinks. And then I just started doing, I was just jumping around.

You ever panic and just start doing other impressions? Well, no, I was doing standup at this point because I had an impression I think for the end, please. This is trauma. Do we have trauma talking about it? But you ever do anything where you're like, in the middle of the bit, you jump to a different bit, you're trying to find something that works.

Yes, of course. And I'm like, so nothing's even, and then I said as Joe, that was so, it was just, yeah, I had to do my time. I had to do, it was 30 minutes. There was more money than I'd ever gotten. Yeah. I was gonna say, you probably made so much money.

It was a lot for me. For me, it was a lot. But it's funny, because Tony Robbins hired you and after this bomb you have to hire him. To like build your motivation. I needed a tag, that was good. I wanna talk about that story. You're like I need help, I'm in a dark place Tony.

What did he talk to you afterwards or now? This is like maybe the worst thing. Cause I had them sing happy birthday to him and they all turned to him and they were like happy birthday and I snuck off and I could still hear him and he goes you guys have a day You'll never forget cuz they went like you know swimming with sharks or whatever. Yeah, and he and they're like, yeah Then he goes there's a night. I'd like to forget

Talking about me I've never in my life, try to find him saying one negative thing ever in his life. And he said about me, like I like Tony Hawk. Anyway. But he hired you, he's a fan, Kaleem. Not anymore.

Yeah, but that's so fucked up to know someone's act, to hire them and then turn up. He tried to help me though in his defense. Like when I was Joe Biden, he's like, to hire them, and then turn up. He tried to help me though, in his defense. When I was Joe Biden, he's like, look, he's asleep, he's asleep. I was like, please don't help me. Oh. You know, in my head I'm like, oh no, this is bad.

But anyway, it was quite the experience, and yeah, every time I see him, I feel like a flush of shame. Well, I think he's a bad guy. He was. I like that they're- There were murmurs. I'm just gonna help him out here. Look it up, I think there were murmurs of a me too.

Okay, there we go. And let's be real, if you've got a cult and you're not taking advantage of them, are you really running a cult? This is something that I got, which also made me really nervous. I Googled his last birthday, which was his 60th, and it was like, he was crying, the people who,

it was like all these very famous people performing. There we go, look at that, four more women accused, Tony Robbins. Okay, you're back! Boom, boom. You don't wanna kill with this guy? I did it for the women. Donnigan gets the last laugh.

Yeah. All right. His 60th birthday, which is online somewhere, it's like Usher, all these people, these fans will be like, Tony, you saved my life. Did he? He's like, did he? Did he? And his wife's crying, everyone's crying,

and then to, that was also the setup that made me nervous. I'm like, I can't top his last birthday. Right. Colin Quinn's got the best bomb story about the Robert De made me nervous. I'm like, I can't top his last birthday. Right. Colin Quinn's got the best bomb story about the Robert De Niro birthday. Oh yeah. That's like the most painful. What did he,

cause I remember it being hilarious, but I forget what he said about that. Like it was the worst set ever. He started trying to roast De Niro and the lines are bombing. Yeah. And he's just like, oh fuck now. And he's bombing in front of Billy Crystal,

who he always hated. Ah. So it's just this long story of just bombing in front of everybody. In front of your arch nemesis. And he's a huge De Niro guy, obviously. He's a, you know, he's in, you know, Mean Streets is like his favorite movie. Right, I bombed famously at the VMAs.

You did? I was the warmup for VMAs. Oh, at least it's not, yeah. That's true, it wasn't televised, but I had to do 10 minutes of warmup at the VMAs, you least it's not, yeah. That's true, it wasn't televised, but I had to do 10 minutes of warmup at the VMAs, you know, Radio City sold out a bunch of like young, hot twinks and sexy, you know, Ariana Grande types, and I am dying, nobody will even look at me,

and JLo walked by and I was like, hey JLo, and she goes, oh! Like, don't bring me into this bullshit. And they lit me early and they were like get off, get off. So I did about eight. There's me trying to get around BB Rexha to get on stage. My friend Scott Rogowski was there for some reason and he texts me, he goes dude Norman's

doing stand up here and then like ten minutes later he texts me, he's fucking bombing. He was in the front row and he came up and shook my hand. He was like hey how are you? That's how loose the set was. That's how bad the set was. That's how bad I was bombing. That's a bad setup though for you in your defense. Oh my God.

It's brutal. Yeah, that was a rough gig. But I got paid. Yeah, that's what it is. You just like, just get through it. Those are get through it gigs. Yeah. And that's what it is.

That was a get through it. But it does suck when it's like a hero. Yeah, I just, and then's what it is. That was a good but it does suck when it's like a hero Yeah, I just and then when I got off you you try to like I don't know find some It's a horrible. That's trauma. That's Blair you're new here this No, I feel right at home, thank you. Bartlett Yamanica almost got stabbed in the eye. I bet. That was a polite one though.

Yeah, that was a starter. That was an opening the door. It was a squeak. Where do you do it in New York? I came to Rosebud's daughter's birthday. Hey! Happy birthday. You have a daughter?

And then to do a special promo. Nice. Just to visit my old home. What a godless town you guys have here. You got that right. Yeah. I'm so tired. Wow.

Yeah. I'm weak now. Can we pull up the special? It looks so damn good. How did you get that to look so sharp? Thank you, Mark. You know, Veep's did it all. Oh, I didn't know that. It was not on YouTube. Oh, no. It's on YouTube now. Thank you, Mark. You know, Veep's did it all. Oh, I didn't know that.

It's not on YouTube. Oh, no, it's on YouTube now. I got it back. I got it back. Oh, OK, OK. Veep's, they did Brad Williams as well. Yeah, they did, like, that little first crap of everyone. But it's on YouTube now, baby.

It's so crisp. I shot at the Bourbon Room in LA. Oh, I've been there. It's a cool room. Yeah, it's cool. It's like an old rock club. It was really crisp. I shot at the Bourbon Room in LA. Oh, I've been there. It's a cool room. Yeah, it's cool. It's like an old rock club. It was really fun. Nice.

Cookie. Wait a minute. Are those the sleeves with the thumb hole? Yeah, they are. Nice. I like that. In case my hands got cold, I guess. They're in the special.

Sure. I got a sweatshirt. It had the thumb holes. I was like, oh, this seems feminine. Yeah, it's an aerodynamic turtleneck. Yeah. The big dog. Should we do some peeves?

Oh. Peeves. Anyone got some peeves? I always have peeves. I had one. We had one today. We went to a diner earlier. I hate the guy, the waiter will bring you the bill.

And then he hovers. I'm like counting change. I'm counting cash. And he's just like, he wants that money. And I'm like, get out. Let he hovers. I'm like counting change, I'm counting cash and he's just like he wants that money and I'm like get out let me do this I'm doing math here get out of my face. They do that with the thing now it turns oh you gotta get my tip you're like ah you're right here you're right here I have to go 20% it's gonna go 18 but yeah I don't like all this the money should be a little more private it's like a like ATMs remember you stood back while I got money should be a little more private. It's like ATMs.

Remember you stood back while I used an ATM or a porn booth? I feel like people have stopped the distance at the ATM now. I was like, what are you doing? Get off me. Exactly. I have COVID. Yeah. Back it up.

Six feet. Mine is loud cars. Oh, that's a bitch. I'm like, why are you such a loser? Quiet down your car. Hate it. Yeah, why? You just want to disturb everyone. By the way, never a nice car. No, it's always some sort of a dodge. Like a variation of a dodge. Yeah. Yeah. That and motorcycles too. What are you doing? Yeah. Oh, you don't like motorcycle guys. No, I don't. No, I'm like, how would you safely bear my children?

You'll be dead. You'll be dead before we have to go to preschool. Right, right. That's true. All right, here's a pet peeve, but I think I'm the only one who thinks this. Please. When you're in line at the airport,

all your luggage, right? And I just stand there in the line and wait for like a big gap because you pick your luggage up, you gotta move 20 inches and you put it back down. It's like all this extra energy. So I wait and you get there the exact same time, but people are like, oh, I moved.

People like yell at you for like doing them a favor. They'll wait till there's like a gap and then you get a nice walk. You know, do this every two feet. Does that bother you guys? I don't know why it bothers me. I get it, but I get both sides. I get why, because you're paranoid.

Your whole thing is like, get through this fucking line. So when someone's holding back seven feet of space, mentally you just want it filled. Yeah. So I get it, but I get your point too. You're not wrong. I just, I mean, oh, here's this one, one other one is people who walk,

and you're walking and they just like, they're walking like this and they walk you into a wall. Oh. And this is my thing. That is a great one. I'm with you. Yeah. That's on the street too.

People do it on the street where they kind of just like kind of fight for the corner, you know? They try to like, and you're like, no, no, no. I hate diagonal walkers. Yes, diagonal walker. What are you a bishop? Yeah. Like a rook or whatever that is.

I hate that. I had a guy go really fast horizontally through me. The other day. They're trying to dominate you. Oh my God. Sign of dominance. I had a guy, dude, this really pissed me off today. I was just checking something on my phone.

I made sure there wasn't anyone in the way. I hate the phone going quickly, but I looked down and a guy puts his arm out to like fake clothesline me. Whoa. And I was like, ooh, what a motherfucker. Whoa. Yeah. The fake clothesline. What did you do?

I just go, fuck, I just go, what the fuck? And he just like walked away. He was clearly a crazy guy who was smoking his. Oh. He looked ratty, but I still hit him with the what the fuck. You should have hung your coat on it. There you go. What the fuck.

Clothesline me. Yeah, that's no good. But he's a psychotic man. Yeah. It still pisses me off. Sure, sure. Yeah, it's quite rude. Still a peeve.

Definitely. I get it. I let a guy walk me into a bush. I just was like, I'm a black man. Yeah. It still pisses me off. Sure, sure. Yeah, it's quite rude. Still a peeve. Definitely. I get it. I let a guy walk me into a bush. I just was like, I can be more confrontational. Like why are you walking into me? But instead I just like, I'm like I'm just gonna let him just see where we go.

We just go right into a bush. Wow. And then not even under, just and still not getting it. Go ahead, sorry. Oh no, I got a New York walking one that you guys will probably appreciate when it's raining and you're both walking towards each other and you're hugging the wall. Oh, the wall hug. Someone has to sort of give to walk in the rain. Whoever has no umbrella

should get the wall. Okay. I think his scenario, no one has an umbrella. No one has neither. Someone has to give. If it's a lady, I give them the the wall if it's a guy. It's a Mexican standoff That's a tough one. If he's Mexican I give it I hate the umbrella like the slow-walking umbrella guy in yeah, because I just never bring an umbrella Mm-hmm. Yeah, neither do I me neither? What about this when like dumb like when someone's dumb and there I think you're dumb because you said something But what you said wasn't dumb, they didn't get it.

And then you go, you have to be like, this dumb person thinks I'm dumb, but you're dumb because you're too dumb. Yeah. Well, I said it wasn't dumb. That bothers me. That's a great one. That's a big comedy problem.

Yeah. Yes, like sarcasm. Yes, that happens a lot. They don't get the sarcasm and they go, what are you, stupid? And you're like, no, no, you are, cause I was joking. I dated a girl who I'd constantly was like,

this girl thinks I'm such an idiot. Right. I remember that Sarah Silverman. Yup. You're right back. You guys dated for a hot minute, huh? What was that like? That was the Bill Maher plane.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think he had a crush on her? No, I think he generally like likes her and wants her around and you know thinks she's funny. I was barnacle. The second you showed up he was. He just was like literally like we all be in a circle talking and then he would come up and bump me out so I was out of the circle. Wow. This guy is a huge. Is he a very small man? His hands are really tiny. He a small is he's five seven yeah I

met him once huge hog by the way like lore around LA everybody oh five eight oh usually those rumors get around and that one has not reached me oh it's a whopper can we get a bill maher whipping out his dick to him. Okay, everybody back up. Here comes my hog. Is that a picture of his dick? There's a clip from a prostitute podcast. She's like an escort, and she talked about it. Does everyone have to be on fucking podcasts now?

I know. You're banging a prostitute, you think your story's safe. Oh. And then she's like, I'm starting a podcast. I'm gonna talk about everyone I bang. I remember I hooked up with a woman in Spokane, like during the day we hooked up. Nice. And she was, right after we had sex,

she was like, I'm thinking of starting a podcast. I'm like, of course you are. No. Of course you just decided. Yeah, exactly. Well, fucking podcaster are. Of course you just decided. Yeah, exactly. Well, fucking podcaster, Kamala is on Call Her Daddy. Do you see that? That's insane.

The political world is so bananas right now. Theo is having Trump and Bernie Sanders. It's just out of whack. I think she's doing Stern. Kamala Harris is doing Howard Stern. You realize how insane? Telling a kid in the 90s that like you're gonna have the first female

possibly candidate on your show after the whores with the Cuts on the ass we get any of the presidential hopefuls, but they didn't ask you no we didn't get but you know Buddha judge DM me But you are if Kate did fucking Tiger Belly. That's right. That's right. And Gillis. And Whitney. And Whitney.

And Shane Secret Pods. So yeah, he's a busy man when he's not running over bears. Maybe he's an RFK. Ooh, it's gonna go. Mama. That's his first words. Woo. That's what first words. Woo. That's what bean guys comment on my videos.

They're like, she has the same condition as RFK Jr. They all write that. Oh my god, I'm like RFK. No, not at all. They all write it. No, you have like a cute, you have like a. Thank you, Sam. You do animation and stuff.

They say so many men. Don't you do kid shows and stuff? Yeah. Yeah. That's me. You hear RFK and a kid Oh, cool. Oh, cool. Don't you do kid shows and stuff? Yeah. Yeah. That's me. You hear RFK and a kid show, they're like, who hired Mr. Tracheotomy? Do the new Rugrats show.

He's gotta play the double. He gets gathered around. I wanna do an RFK Christmas album, I think that would be cool. Ooh. Give us a hint. Just hear those sleigh bells make a ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,

do, god damn it. Silent night. Ooh. Give us a hit. Just hear those sleigh bells. They're going, they're going, they're going to. God damn it. Silent night. Did that sell? The problem is it's not the raspiness. It's the, it seems like he's gasping to talk. Yeah, yeah. That would bug me about it.

Yeah, that it's upsetting. It's upsetting. It's, it feels like you can't be like, serious. It sounds like a guy who you should give the Heimlich, but he doesn't need it. It sounds like he almost, if someone started talking about that, you'd be on edge. Of course, of course.

But it seems like he's hurting, he's straining. Yeah. What are other ones you've done that blew up? Mar, RFK. Nancy Pelosi. Oh wow, nobody does Pelosi. Give me some stock tips, will ya? What else do I do?

Come on. How do I get impressions? Jeff Goldblum. Oh, Goldblum! Dinosaurs. My mom's number one. Really? Yeah, he's a bitch.

Really? Yeah. See's a bitch. Really? Yeah. See? I don't know what his name is. Oh, if you go to my Instagram, I just put in a box of stuff. You know what's funny, he's in those old Altman movies. He pops up like one scene.

He's in California Split for like a scene. He's in Nashville for like a second. He's in Annie Hall for a minute. Yeah. I did a run of impressions. If you go down to the one with down low. To the Kaylin Jenner. Kaylin, that one, yeah, I do a bunch of them.

Oil paintings. Is that the Shapiro you did? Oh, you do Shapiro. Oh yeah. Juliet Lewis complimented on that. Do you know who Malarkey is? That's Warren Buffett. I'm not sure, but I hope it doesn't commit suicide.

It's still Gates. It's where it belongs. I'm not sure. Can somebody please tell me what malarkey is? I've grown into a malarkey. Who's that? Harry. Holy shit.

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it's a paparazzo not getting out of your face when you call my cocksucking asshole I'm more confused now it's a your Luger's up to take a swing in a stewardess but it doesn't taste as good what are those four hours long It's a hamburger. It's a hamburger. It's a hamburger. It's a hamburger. It's a hamburger. It's a hamburger.

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It's a hamburger. It's a hamburger. It's a hamburger. It's a hamburger. It's a hamburger. It's a hamburger. It's a hamburger. The fucking skull hand. No skeleton hand. First like me you may think the food on my tray is far away, but I assure you it's just smaller. I bet he'd really know how to jimmy my jimmy. Who's the craziest people that reach out that are like, I love this? Seinfeld's a fan.

Yeah, he put me in that movie, yeah. I did Walter Cronkite in that Pop-Tart movie. Has anyone ever gotten mad at you and been like, what the hell is this? Well, Bill Maher.ronkite in that Pop-Tart movie. Has anyone ever gotten mad at you? Been like, what the hell is this? Well, Bill Maher. Cut to earlier in the episode. Yeah, we went off on Bill Maher for a while. Oh, you did?

No, no, he, it's, yeah, I don't think, I heard from anybody else about it. Well, but. Yeah, I'm, yeah, the, yeah, a few different people reached out and I'm trying to think. The politicians I assume aren't going to hit you up. Nah. But Tony Robbins found you.

Tony Robbins, yeah. How'd Seinfeld find you? Just the videos. Wow. He just DM'd me and then I started talking. And then I was reading a bunch of parts in that movie I didn't know if I had a Job yet, but I did like 10 zoom table reads damn I was doing like a bunch different like impressions there

Yeah, you did Cronkite and was that it Johnny Carson. Yes Try not to do Dana Carvey. Oh Right, right Dana Carvey's got that one down. Yeah, his, it's like, I just like, was just trying to do a different version because his is so funny. Yeah, of course. I just made it like more straightforward

and not like cartoon, as cartoonish. Did you see Gaffigan is doing Tim Walls now on SNL, I went on Saturday. Oh really yeah, I was Nate. He was great Oh, I saw some of the sketches online. They're good great. Yeah, it was it was so much fun. I never been before It's a lot of fun. Yeah, Tim Wall I mean that would be the dream is just be a regular working comedian and then SNL is like hey Can you come do that one guy you look like? Yeah, and it was so cool seeing Dana Carvey too. Did you see Dana Carvey's Biden? Yeah.

It was really funny. It was great. Here it is. He's probably, he's like, his SNL years were so good. Oops, that's right. A lot of people forget I'm president, including me. But guess what? And by the way

Almost as good as little things. Yeah. Yeah, that's like he's so funny. He's perfect for this She has her voice down. Let's hear it. It's incredible. Oh really? Yes What is that thing Kamala says like it's unburdened by what may have been? We are not Good that's good Did you see the guy where he there's a guy online who is doing the answering questions the way Kamala answers questions is pretty funny. I don't know that that's enough to bring it up, but Yeah, this is a wacky time to be alive. I want politicians were like professional and serious now. It's all

It's all fun and games right? It's all caller daddy and Theo von's pod No, this isn't it now there, there's a guy. Forget it. Ah, well. Damn. Good time to be a comic. Any wrecks? I've been watching the Vince McMahon. You guys watching that a little bit? Yes. Last night I went through a few of those. Wild. Oh, dude, I got to send you one, Sally Kews. This is fucking great.

I saw the Menendez one too. Did you see that one? Yeah. I watched that. It was like four episodes about, I had no idea what I was getting into. It was like four episodes, like, why did I write me? I was like, what? Yeah, a lot of dad cops.

Is that proven though? Cause he just wrote that in. I think it's good though, because they're gonna get a new trial, I think. Oh really? Even though they're really mad. They were so mad at Ryan Murphy, but. They were?

Yeah, because they're not happy with their portrayals. Oh. But apparently, shit. Yeah, why did he portray us badly? That's gonna suck to be doing a life sentence, and then they're like, they made a show about you getting raped. Yeah, but apparently,

they didn't believe in male sexual assault back then, and so all the evidence was dismissed in their trial and that's where they got life. And so now they're saying if it were evaluated now, would they be tried completely differently? Good point, Kim K. came up with that. I heard there's no evidence though of the but I'm providing the wrong.

I mean how do you get the evidence 40 years later? I think they're getting a new trial because one of the members of Menudo is going to come forward and say, the father raped me because he was a man a music manager. Oh What about like you still can't like people get you know molesting all that Yeah, let's get into it. He's gonna murder. He's gonna murder them. You know, man Yeah, my dad was fucking me I think I should get to kill him yeah Your dad's jizzing up. I feel like you got a good case. They were like six years old. Yeah.

My dad was fucking me. I think I should get to kill him. Yeah. In a decent world. Right. In a perfect world. In a perfect world. I had him pull this.

This is just like this old audio. Wait, this old audio from just how over they do it in old wrestling commentary. It's so fucking funny speaking to McMahon. Triple H? Bitch of McMahon Triple H That's a man's daughter He's gonna run in the hell for what he did here tonight. Yeah, Neil Hemsley! Does he have no conscience? Does he have no heart? Do you have no soul, you son of a bitch? What the hell was he watching?

That's how he's the commentator. That's how he would call the matches. Just lose his mind. It was weird to see him smaller now in the documentary. That guy, they're all tiny because they stopped taking this down. I know, right? Damn, Fitz McMahon McMahon shitting on chess what a guy what a guy real trouble now that mustache too yeah yeah he's looking fucking but then he old he could do he could be an impression have you put him on the list he's got the

voice pull up a man now he sounds like a. He sounds like a little Blair Soky in there. Oh, his son is like jumping off steel cages. This isn't trailer trash. These are billionaires. What the fuck are you doing? Totally. His daughter's getting called a slut by the whole audience. It's also the only time he hugs his son is after he becomes paralyzed in a match.

Like, it's some dark shit. So that's what I had to do to get a hug for my dad Not one yet But yeah, he uh he's a scary dude. Oh His eyes are wild I'll pull these I remember being a kid like walking by my brother's watching man What's the fuck is with his eyes? Yeah? Here's him in what's-her-face Trish Yeah, here's him in what's-her-face Trish

Bark like a dog he made her and she she got interviewed and she was like I wasn't that bad. Yeah, she's a real one She's all right By the way his wife's in a wheelchair throughout this whole thing. I mean it's great What that's the gag is the bat? He's just writing these these storylines where he's like my wife will be in a wheelchair I'll be making out with like all these young stars. He like pushes her down a ramp. They make out in front of her I mean it's wild. And the crowd's booing of course and then of course they write in that she gets the last laugh in a match

But it's like he did get to just cheat on her for a while. He right. Alright Kyle study this one. He made her bark like a dog This is primetime network TV folks I can do her Well, the best is when he he's like gets me tooed and that night they have a live event and they're like, yeah, well, he's not going to show up. And he just comes out to like raucous applause.

Yeah. It's because it fits in with what he's been doing. The lines are blurred. That seems right. Oh, completely. I mean, they did blackface. They did every stereotype in the book. They did it all.

Did you see Trump when he came back to that same town where he got shot his first line when he came back on stage? What'd he say? Where was I? Oh that's pretty good. That's a good line. That's pretty good. So terrific. Well that's like you ever see I think this on George Carlin's tombstone it just says he was here a moment ago. Ooh! That's great. He's been to that Hollywood cemetery. It's so cool, like all those old, like Mel Blanc, like Bugs Bunny. Yeah, it's crazy. I think Merv Griffin is, I won't be right back.

Ah, clever. Who said that? Merv Griffin, I think? That's on his tombstone. That'd be good for him. Let's get tombstones for you guys. Let's be on your tombstone. Matthew Perry's is, I won't be good for him. Let's get tombstones for you guys. Let's be on your tombstone. Matthew Perry's is, I Won't Be There For You.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. When the rain starts to fall, I'll be there. His doctor got in trouble. You see that?

His doctor got convicted of whatever overdosing. One lady too, right? Was it? It was a lady who was getting the pills. Yeah. Yeah, it was so sinister. It was like some Michael Jackson shit. Like the text messages that got released.

Yeah, they were kind of like, they were like, look at this moron, he's gonna buy more shit from me. What? Yeah. I can't get any pills from any doctor. I swear to God. I try so hard.

I can get you pills. What do you need? Really? What do you want, Bluetooth? I want like a Valium type of chip. Oh, Xanax, does that work? That's great. I can get you some Xanax.

For flying or just for everyday? I have an MRI coming up. Oh, shit. I've had it before. Yeah. And I don't like it. I asked my daughter, I have one pill, and she was like, no.

And I was like, cool. Pfft. Pfft. That's it, it's not a Lucy cigarette. You can't just have one pill. One pill is. I think it makes perfect sense. Thank you, one pill?

Those things are crazy. They're crazy. And then they won't let you fall asleep. And they're like bang, bang, bang. Right. Yeah. You have to respond to them. And you're like, I'd like my brain to just shut down.

The worst is the IV they put in your arm, they put an IV and you can feel it and you're just there for four, anyway, we don't have to talk about that. We've done a lot of IVs. Is this real? Matthew Perry paid the doctors about $55,000 in cash in the two months before his death.

Estrada said two of the people, including one of the doctors charged, were arrested Thursday. Estrada said two of the defendants, including Ayahuasca, I don't know what the fuck her name is, have pleaded guilty to charges already, and a third person has agreed to plead guilty.

That's so sad. $55,000 in cash, it guilty. Jeez. That's so sad. 55,000 in cash, it's just like, it's just sad. No shady it is. Damn. I think some kind of recording where they were talking about like what an idiot he was,

like the doctor saying how stupid and they're ripping him off. Could this be any sadder? Oh god. Had to be done, obligatory. I'd like to recommend The Penguin. Oh really? Yes, yes. I love it.

Pull it up. Love it. Yeah, it's not my shit. Like I would have never sought it out, but I saw it so good. He is invisible, right? Like he came and recommend. You cannot tell he's like some scary ass over.

I can't believe that's him. Kristen Milioti is incredible. She's good. She's amazing. Look at him. Yeah. And like Home Feral barrel boy oh boy who directed this Sally look I did the Batman movie we trashed and everyone

hated us for Batman movie we tried the Robert Pattinson yeah okay you know that when they do this thing they give you a real reason like he walked he got a bad leg so he walks like a, he's got a bad leg, so he walks like a penguin. He's not a penguin, so then I'm like, now I can get into this. Oh, interesting. A real guy. That makes sense,

because the old penguin was just, meh, meh. Yeah, exactly. For no reason. It's a little bit like late season Tony Soprano. It's very Soprano. Ooh. Yeah, it's all the mob,

which is like not what I thought it was gonna be about. This is my pack, pack, pack, rockin' Spurgis Meredith. Yeah, I've got a crap thunder. Here I am due to be released tomorrow and I still have worked out one single crime worthy of my talents. Those stainless disgusting prisoners. That one, two of your here as Rick Flabby. Pull this up. This is Adam West, Batman,

was the biggest poon hound in America. He would fuck like two women. I don't know about this footage, but he'd bang two women that night, then he'd wake up, bang another lady, then he'd go to the set and have old lady on the set to bang. It's crazy.

My mom says poon hound. really we should hang it's a 60 so I'm trying to throw it back what having a hot mom yeah pull her up you have a mom don't act so fucking surprised you like you well you only hear from other people about your mom, not the daughter. That was like, we all, like my brothers and stuff, you know, that would be a heckle to them all the time. Thanks, Gortz.

Oh, really? That's awkward. It did suck for the kid with the hot mom. That was a tough. Thank you. Eight women a night. That's not possible. Ah, talk to Kyle.

Yeah. Eight women a night? Well, you spread it out. That's not even fun. No, it's not possible. Ah, talk to Kyle. Yeah. Eight women a night? Well, you spread it out. That's not even fun. No, it's not. And that was pre-Viagra. That's true. Wow. He was a superhero.

All right. That is fucking crazy. Adam West, who knew? That's not, he's lying though. I kind of don't like when people inflate the numbers like that because you know it's bullshit. All right. I was thinking, is there erectile dysfunction or erectile disinterest? I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I kind of don't like when people inflate the numbers like that because you know it's bullshit. Is there erectile dysfunction or erectile disinterest? Now I'm saying this because I saw this woman be like shitting on her man. Wait, do it as Bill Maher though. Okay people. Okay. I saw her shitting on her husband like I think he's just not interested. Right well that yeah we don't get we don't well that, yeah, we don't get into that.

We don't wanna get into that. But yeah, I know what you mean. But now these kids have nothing to complain about, because back in my day, if you couldn't get it up, you had to like apologize and tell a story or go down on them for an hour. Now these kids are just like, hey, I can't get it up, I'll take a blue tube.

This was big, this is big back then. This is a huge ripped dude. Yeah, it's true. Man, that must have been awesome. You just didn't have to do that much, and women were like, that guy's shredded. ripped dude. Yeah, it's true. Man, that must have been awesome. You just didn't have to do that much and women were like, that guy's shredded. I know. Yeah.

I mean, this is, I mean, it's fine. They didn't have protein back then. Yeah, and black people weren't allowed in the limelight. So you couldn't, you didn't have to compete. Cause they're all ripped. I know, we should be going down this road. Wow, I'm just saying. It was a better time, is what I'm trying to say.

They weren't taking our women. Joking. And sports were easier too. And you had someone to do your job. Haven't seen a lot of Jews in the NBA since they let black people in, I'll tell you that. That's true. Dolph Shays, that was our last.

Pull him up. Oh, pull him up, he's old school. Was he a Brooklyn guy? I think he was. Everyone, every Jew in the old days was from Brooklyn. That's gotta be. I mean, he looks like one of my cousins. He really does.

He looks like Michael Richards. Oh, look at that form, I love it. Yom Kippur. It's bouncing too high. Oh! Don't make me. Don't make me. This offense is giving me a lot of anxiety.

Not a lot of Jews named Dolph anymore, by the way. It's very cold in this gymnasium. Could you do Woody? I mean, that's Woody basically. Yeah, you can do Woody. So every Jewish person would make Woody, is that offensive? No.

Well, yes, but we don't care. What are the chances this guy's name was Adolf? Oh. Yeah, it's Dolphus. Good point, good point. Shorten it to Dolphus. Yeah. Adolf Shays.

Oh, Brocks. I was close. You gotta change it up after. He's playing for Cat's Deli. It's right over there. Oh, it's like Adolf. He's like, no, it's not. We don't do that anymore. We changed it up. Good looking guy.

This is actually the JFK Jr. kind of look. Oh yeah. What do you think, Blair? JF jr.. A hunk or what pull him up? I mean, this is the hottest Definitely is on something at that age to be that ripped you know he's on to your something Okay, oh yeah, okay, okay? Yeah, cuz he's so jacked and it's like, you just don't produce enough testosterone to be that jacked at that age.

Totally. He's saying JFK Junior. Oh, JFK Junior, oh my God. I'm not asking if you wanna fuck 70 year old. That's what I thought. That's what I thought you were saying. I mean, look at this man. He's such a babe, yeah.

Such a babe. Oh my God. Rosebud. He is incredible. Get over here and put a towel down. Cause this is really cool. Have you seen this man JFK Jk. Junior Come on. What a hunk Yeah, he's real fresh looking. Oh

Dog yeah, baby Goy version who yeah, oh my god. Look at that. Who's your top layer? Yeah, I'm such a freak like I like like my number one love of my life is Walton Goggins oh he's a good actor yeah like I think he's just so cool you know you'll recognize him he's in everything yeah again so Walton Goggins I like guys that are not like the actor-y, well I guess those are really actor-y looking photos.

He lives in the West Village, he has a house there. Oh really? Yeah, yeah, I've seen him walking around. Look at that mug on that guy, he's all in journals. He got his teeth knocked out when he was a child, so people give him shit about his teeth, but they were actually knocked out. Okay.

The West World, I remember that guy. He's in everything, he has so much range, incredible. Is it the acting that you like, the fact that he's ripped or the crazy mug? All of it, all three. Okay. Like all at once, yeah. I like it.

Yeah, I like a fucking freak-o. Yeah, who else? Oh, who else? You know all the women are talking about right now is this Adam Brody. Oh yeah. Every girl. All the millennial, it's like a nostalgia thing.

But he was excellent in that show. He's good, yeah, that show is girl porn. I've been having to watch it with my wife. Girl porn, yeah. He's got all this riz and he's funny and cute and he helps old women get across the street. Yeah, and he's like so nice to her. Yeah.

It's just like a guy being nice. Right. I'm like, incredible! Oh my God, best actor of all time! And a win for the Jews, you guys needed a win. We needed a win. Oh! He's the leading man.

I've looked at some of those cellar lineups and I'm like, we need some good PR right now. Can we switch this up? Jesus Christ. Oh yeah. He's in that Netflix show right now. That's what we're talking about. Yeah.

Jesus Christ, bud. Jesus grandpa, what the hell? What the hell is that? He's in that Netflix show right that's what we're talking So, okay those are two do you give it give a third That's not a great look though, there's no rhyme or reason to the to the men I like like I like also Jeffrey Dean Morgan cuz he just seems like a man that grills in the background. Wait, who's Jeffrey Dean Morgan? He's in a lot of shit. What? Yeah.

I thought it was Javier Bardem. Yeah, I know. They have a similar vibe. Oh, OK. Yeah, I also like Dwayne Wade. Oh, Dwayne Wade. Yeah, yeah. The little battle role player?

I know. He's a pretty guy, though. Yeah yeah you're all over the road I really am I like it you know you're like yeah interesting it's really not a it's like a X Factor thing yeah you know which has not served me well in my life why because a relationship cannot be sustained on je ne sais quoi. That's a good point. You know? That doesn't pay the bills. No.

There's a lonely epidemic. There it is. Very true. Very serious. Okay, let's get Bill Maher reacting to a loneliness epidemic. Oh, you're lonely. Just get a black hooker like... That's what I do.

He's gonna hate that. He watches the show. Oh, you're fucked. Come on, Bill. Have me on that whatever thing real time whatever it's called now he should embrace it a fun episode of Club Randall I think we need to bury the hatchet here and just be friends yeah you're an atheist we went went to Hawaii together, come on. Are these his ladies of the night?

No, it's his ladies. Oh, okay. If you go, well, if you go Bill Maher. Damn, Bill's pulling. Yes, Thorum. Thorum! Wow. You haven't heard from her in a while.

I'm a stone, holy shit. Bill Maher's fucking everything. Hia Jones. If you go Bill Maher, Black Hooker, you'll see. Oh, there it is. Speaking of the devil, that's Coco. Coming in hot. I mean, that's his thing.

Nothing wrong with that. Bill Maher in Superhead? What the heck? What the heck? Drew Paul. What? Vanessa Kay. Oh, Huff.

Whoa. In the Huff. Wow. Damn, they'd have Huff. Amber Smith. Tracy Richmond. Okay, oh, huh? Wow damn Tracy Richmond Quite a list of people that Uh-huh. What about you Kyle? Who's your number one besides the Sarah Silverman who broke your heart? Those very you know, there's a very mutual Everyone the same time broke up

Wait, who's my what were you pre Kimmel or a pro post Kimmel during? Wait, who's my what? Were you pre-Kimmel or a post-Kimmel? During. Oh! No, yeah, post. Oh. Post, you know, post, you know. What was your question to me?

Who are some of your number one hot ladies that you're into? Is that like a fantasy? Yeah. Those are like the ones I've dated. Oh, I didn't know you pulled any celebs. Well, not, I mean not really. Schumer, Silverman.

Schumer never were boyfriend girlfriend, how dare you. Sorry. Anyway, oh no, Kyle's in a dating history. Oh baby, here we go. Damn Maderman. That was one night. Oh my god, a black hooker. What the heck?

Okay, paid for it. It didn't go anywhere, it was one page. Oh my god, a black hooker. What the heck? Okay, people. It was one page of a guy fishing. That's about right. Oh my god, that's great. This is an ad for a fucking laptop. Or mental health. What is with that head shot, by the way?

You look like a mentalist. This is terrible. Can we talk about somebody else? Alright, alright. You look like a mentalist Else This page is perfect that sums me up perfectly this is a picture of Diddy Yeah, no, it's not going great. I'll just be honest. Did you guys see that? Atlanta del Rey yeah, miss pop star is dating a Louisiana crocodile hunter? Married. Yeah, married. I loved it. That's one for the Louisiana boys.

Yeah. I was like, more men should wrangle crocodiles. Agreed. You know? Yeah, and also if you can handle a crocodile, you can handle a little mental illness in a woman. Right. A crocodile might be easier. But yeah, good point. Oh, look at that, he's like a woman. Right. Crocodile might be easier. But yeah, good point. Oh, look at that, he's like a man. Yeah. This guy's a Cajun, southern dude.

Oh, check out that name, Mark. I bet he drinks bodega cat. Yeah. Oh, thank you. Jeremy Dufresne. Hey, Mark and I did an interview for bodega cat yesterday, and this guy would not stop pouring us booze. I know.

I was like, I had like four or five before I went on stage. Yeah, we kept going, and he kept being being like I took the night off of this interview. So let's let's hang out all night I'm like, yeah cool. I have to run an hour. Yeah Give me shit face. I know I set aside a half an hour for this and he was like we're going all night We did yeah, it was not a that was not why did he find you after the show? Yeah So sales are gonna skyrocket yeah I have no wiki feet. Huh, you don't I don't know I say type in Carlton wiki feet I got you gotta be on there now. I've seen your feet. You got talons. You've got like eagle

Yeah, I got really cool feet. You got bad feet Monkeys, oh, let's see blairs, but my reps made me take down my what I had a feet only fans for 24 hours and then Maybe take it down because I auditioned for Disney. Oh Well, that's where yeah beautiful feet right there nice feet where what is what it was that? Very nice feed. I know. What is that? Ah! Look at that.

I'm glad they took my regular pictures. Oh yeah, this is too much. Why are they all bikini pictures? I don't know. This is on the internet. This is Delichy's homepage. No! All right, what are you doing?

Dang, I thought they were going to be severed pictures of my feet. No, they go all in. Now I'm humiliated. Yeah. Oh, there you go. That's a nice covered up photo of Annie Wood. What? How did it get to that?

I think Kyle's got wood. Ha ha ha ha. My face just turned so red. Oh, yeah. I just pulled up pictures of like bikini pictures. Match the head. I thought it was gonna be feet. Before I looked him up first.

Yeah, no, it wasn't your fault. And there was nothing. If you can find this, there's a gay site that rates comedians. Oh, I don't want. Really? Yeah, so I was like, it'll be me versus Brian Hamilton or you versus Judy Gold. Whatever it is. That's a cunt-ish.

Yeah, exactly. I did a commercial years ago that was like a gay hit. For some reason, I was like shaking a cow. A gay years ago that was like a gay hit for some reason, I was like shaking a cow. A gay what? It was like a gay hit. Like it was a gay community for some reason. And Louis Anderson wanted like, I met him and- He was gay.

He was gay, wasn't inappropriate with me, but he invited me to his apartment and then he had food out and he goes, I can't figure you out. And I was like, oh, I'm on a date. I didn't know I was on a date. Holy shit. You could do worse than Louis Anderson.

He's great. Yeah. What did you say to that? I can't figure you out. I just go, oh, like in my head I was like, oh, okay, this is, I should leave. Yeah. I opened for him in Vegas years ago and we drove around for a while.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, you want to get McDonald's? I was like, okay. And then we sat at McDonald's parking lot and ate and he talked about comedy and then he touched my leg and we went home. No, we didn't. Well, his knee hit mine. You know, he checks it out.

He sees what you're up to. I get it. I don't even blame you. You know. Yeah. That's not an appropriate thing, touch of legs. No, I get it. He's feeling it out, he sees what you're up to. I get it. I don't even blame, you know. That's not an appropriate, I don't think, touch of legs. No, I get it, he's feeling it out. But I will say he ordered milk for McDonald's, which I had never seen. What?

Wow, that's wholesome and disgusting. Yeah. Well, I was gonna- And also, like, creative. I guess, yeah. I didn't even know that was a possibility. You know what I think a lot of people don't know is like, cause you hear girls be like,

a guy just like kissed me, you know? Guys will come in. I say this all the time. And I think it needs to get out there, like for young men, like you gotta do like, like lean the leg on the other leg, see if they move away or not. Things before you really were a kiss.

I think a lot of men don't get taught that, and they go, I like this person, and they go in, and it's like, I mean, you probably see it. Thank you, Kyle, please spread this. I'm always shocked, and my friends are always like, you couldn't see it coming, I was like, no, it's like mid-convert sentence. Oh, yeah, they don't do a pre, before that, physical,

like, is this okay? Like, what Louis was doing was like, and he probably felt you go like this okay he's not into it Mark what's that Louis joke about I wish you really went for it last night oh that's a great bit yeah you can what is that he's making out with some some girl and he's like going for the bra and she's like no stop he's like okay then they're making out more and he goes for the pants she's like no stop he's like okay and then he sees the next night at the comedy more and he goes for the pants. She's like, no stop, he's like, okay. And then he sees her the next night at the comedy club

and he goes, she goes, what happened? Why didn't we have sex? And he goes, you kept stopping me. And she's like, I wanted you to go for it. And he's like, so you want me to rape you on the off chance you're into it? That's the bit. No, he starts with going like,

what are you out of your fucking mind? Oh yeah. You know, it's like, yeah, but that's a great bit. It's a tough one. It's tough cause you gotta know what the lady is into or wants, but you can't ask But then you're right if you ask you you're like a pussy. Yeah, can I kiss you? And I think the guys going in for the kiss they seen it on a movie

You know where they're just like these go in for it and the girls like oh, I'm so swooned Yeah, but I'm always like but like how could you not tell that I was not into it at all like can't you feel vibe? Guys can't we were bad with vibes. Yeah, you've been on a lot of bad dates We're like they'll just go for it not a bad date. So I wouldn't say they were bad dates Like I I feel like I screen really well, so they were very nice people They were not like bad guys at all like I've never even had a bad experience They were not like bad guys at all like I've never even had a bad experience But I just did not see yeah

Coming from anywhere like cuz I was like I've known you for 30 minutes at 630 p.m.. And so light out right No, what do you do that? I always think that I'm gonna say something could be or something in that moment And then you're so caught off guard that I'm like okay I guess I'm just gonna be polite and kiss this man back, but I don't want to. Yeah. Ooh, that's tough. That's pretty cool, though. That's like, good to know that women

who are just polite out there. Oh, yeah. So if you're a creep, just go for it. No! I'm like, I'll just try to make it quick or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

I know, my wife was telling me the other day, she's like, oh, I banged a bunch of guys and I just didn't know how to get rid of them, and I'm like, oh, great. All right, is that how you do it? Whatever yeah, yeah Mm-hmm. I know my wife was telling me that they just like I banged a bunch of guys I just didn't know how to get rid of and I'm like, oh great Yeah, yeah, it's not a bunch he's like I'm having sex with men who you're just like How do I get out of this like how do how do I end this date? You're like I gotta fuck him. I don't even want to kiss a stranger like I can't imagine wanting to sleep with a stranger Yeah, I was really really like someone to want to sleep with them. I know you can't relate to

If I like someone I'm like I don't want to sleep with them Yeah, if I don't like someone I'm like we got to make this happen tonight 24 is a ticking time. I think that makes sense though. Yeah. I think if guys are on a bad first date, you're thinking like how can I still get laid? Oh, totally. For sure, whereas I don't think,

I mean women don't think that way, right? No, they're like gotta get out. No, I'm like ew, how do I get out of here? I won't even do a dinner date for a first date because I think men at this age now, they're trying to be polite and gentlemanly where they wanna take you to dinner. And I'm like, I don't want them to feel

like they wasted money or anything if there's not a vibe. I have a dinner date tomorrow. You really? A dinner date I think is nice for a second date. Yeah. First date, I'm like, I want a 45 minute cook cat. It is weird though, it feels formal

to be on a date with a stranger and then it is weird. It's a lot of face to face though. I feel the same way, I'm like, oh my god, we're really making our conference right now. You think the guys expect sex at the end of the dinner date. No, I don't think that and I'm not worried about that. I just don't want them to feel like, you know, that they were used. Yes, I don't want them to feel used. That makes sense.

And I don't want to be trapped either. Yeah. That's happened, that's happened. That's how I instituted the rule. The trap is the problem. I was like, I had one night free from being home from the road and I was so tired, but I was like, I gotta go date. I gotta be like a real life woman.

And then I go and after 90 minutes, I was just like, SOS bitch, to like any later time to lock eyes for the check. Right. Went on three hours. I was like, never again. What? Dude just kept ordering tapas. Oh, tapas guy. Tapas is like being held hostage.

But they could just keep ordering more things. That's true, that's a good point. You're not in control, you're really trapped. Yeah, let's try the squid. Yeah. Keep it coming. What do you think of this? Because I went on a date and then you pay

in the beginning as a guy you pay and you're doing like the men female role and she didn't, this girl didn't at all like try to pay or let's split. She just was like, yeah, you get it. But she didn't shave her armpits. Now let me explain. If we are doing, people are gonna get mad at me,

but like if we're doing I'm a man, you're a woman, that's your part. Oh, good point, that's interesting. You know what I mean? I think that's very reasonable. Okay, all right, thank you. I like this. You know what?

I hate to agree. No pushback. I hate to agree, but I do. Okay, wow. Because if you are going with the gender rules, which I do, like I don't think a woman should ever pay or split past 30 years old. Like I think that's ridiculous.

Whoa! A guy split the check, I'm like, you're a pussy, I don't like you. Right. What are you doing? Yeah. Yeah, I don't want that. I think a woman should split if she doesn't like him. If she knows he doesn't like him.

Oh, to show? Just be like, I don't know. That's interesting. Because then you don't have to feel like I used him. You're like, I paid my half and it didn't work out. I don't think I've never not picked up the phone. I always pick it up. Good Sam.

I don't think there's ever been a time, even if I'm like never again, I'm like, well I don't want to then to be like he was the best too. I can't even help it. It's not even a rule or anything. It's just like I lose attraction. You know what I mean? Because I'm like, I'm spending so much money

on my hair and makeup and my goddamn nails and outfits and all this shit that I don't wanna do. Okay, that, see, that makes sense. Yeah. She shows up scrunchy armpits. Split the check. Yeah, I'm with you. Okay.

I think don't ask a woman on a date if you can't pay for it. I'm gonna get so much shit for this. No, that makes sense, that makes sense. Or what I've always said too, it's not just have to be a really nice restaurant, take out the tacos. I just take out a check.

I take out a loan. But also, it is. The dinner thing, if you're not, I've done it for the first date, and if you're not vibe no But thank God for comedy because we have an out we go I got a ten o'clock spot got us I'll see you later, but if you like her you can bring her to the show But if you don't it's a good way to yeah I have such the opposite thing is you guys cuz like I know you guys that your whole move is like, every male comic is bringing the girls to the show.

My, they're always like, can I come to your show? I was like, absolutely not. I'm not inviting you to my show. I feel like that's dangerous, like if you don't do well, that could be bad, or they don't like what you say. Yeah. I don't have that. Also, I'm like a maniac on stage, like I'm completely different off stage,

like I don't want them to see me being Vince McMahon And I don't and also I'm not trying to like bring a guy with me to sit in the hall at the comic store Right every dude comic clowns me. Yeah true You know you got to introduce and he's like, oh man, there's a Bill Burr and you're like, oh geez now you're introducing's Bill Burr. And you're like, oh geez, now I gotta introduce you to Bill Burr. Yeah, that is brutal. First date, the show,

just with the other comics, there's annoying. I brought a girl to a show once, I had a hot set, we had sex. Then I brought her back to another show, like a week later, and I bombed. I never heard from her again, I swear to God. Marie! Never heard from her again.

I had a tough, tough set that she was like, all right, well, you know, getting late, you know? Almost don't wanna bring them back after a hot set. You're not gonna do- That's true. If that's as well as you can do. The armpit hair of the Guy version. Yeah. I feel like when I'm married, I'll bring them.

This is a great, agree. Yeah, that's Salacuse like my Doesn't expect it from the way you've been acting Are you sure you want to talk about this cuz I sure don't course I want to talk about it Okay, I You sure you wanna talk about this? Cause I sure don't. Of course I wanna talk about it. Okay. I guess things change for me on Tuesday night. Tuesday night? What happened Tuesday night?

I saw your act. Oh, and he goes, you're a cashier. Cashier. You take money. That's the big one. Hey, what's here? Yeah. You take money. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was on a date once, I was gonna say about dating, but like she was just texting,

like literally down like this. That's not a good sign. We're at a restaurant, no it's not. That's so rude. So I took a picture of her texting, texted her. Oh, that's funny. I thought it'd be funny. I thought, thought she goes, oh I do look cute.

She thought I was like, you look cute. Oh, get out of there. And I was like, okay. Get out of there, split that chest and go. You ever heard of David Spade's bit about how this girl he would just keep. Yes, so funny. Yes.

He's like, she's like, oh I'm sorry, I just don't really check my phone a lot. And then he's on a date with her the whole dinner, she's like. Oh man. Seems like he's on a date with her the whole dinner. She's like. Oh, man. Seems like he picked it up. So I'm not good at texting. Any bits, we do a thing where we,

bits you're working on and then you. Oh my God, I love your, you guys are great. Really good joke writers. If you could help me out, it'd be great. Please, what do you got? You got an idea, a premise? Yeah, I got a bunch. Well, what's something you're excited about?

Half hour of stuff. I got a tag, I need a tag for this joke. All right. All right. So the premise, I don't wanna do the whole bit, but like the premise is really like women like not wearing bras, it hurts not to look. When they come down the street,

like you have to look away. I don't think women know it hurts to not look. Right. And then I just, like imagine if all men walked around like adorable puppies, like sticking out their bras you couldn't look at. And like not, like they're kind of like weird. They want to bite your hand. Kind of adorable, like not rescue. It's like actual adorable puppies. And then they walk around in high heels so they can get more in your face and they put glitter on, we put glitter on them, you know, for us. And then I go, and then I go, I'm like,

oh no, I hope one doesn't fall out, it'd be so bad if one fell out. And the tag I've been doing is, if you looked at them, you can get fired from your job, or like, I had no tag on it. Right. If you try to pet one, you could get fired from your job. Oh yeah, if you try to to pet one you could get fire from your job or so you have to try pet one yeah your job yeah I do the rest

of you guys figure that out come on are you really okay all right go straight through that door yeah all right I got nothing on this puppy tits. Yeah, I mean I felt like a bit Yeah, it does need that I think it could use a tag but Milk bone. Yeah, just I mean the premise is you have to put them in the pound. Oh, yeah But having just something women love all right versus right so Well, I've always said the things women like about men aren't considered creepy. Like women like a tall guy.

A woman can go up to a guy and be like, wow you're so tall and that's completely fine, but a guy can be like, huge tits. Women go, you're funny, funny is a turn on or you have a great job. Or I guess a woman can't say you have a lot of money. Yeah maybe money hanging out of your. Maybe money is the move.

That's good, yeah. Yeah. Because, yeah, exactly, it's not the same. Like a guy's dick peeking out, your women are like, what are you homeless? It's not the same. It's not a good thing. Right.

But the money thing is funny. Well, maybe it's money, Ben. Yeah. Money. It's definitely money. All right, okay, we got a lady here who agrees. Now how do you get money and tits to connect? Oh, just coming out of your shirt, maybe. Yeah.

Or out of your pockets. That's closer to your pocket. Oh yeah, yeah. You have your bank statement or your checking account number. Yeah. That's a homeowner? Yeah. All right. homeowner? Yeah. All right.

Something that. Maybe we'll try to change with money. Yeah. This is great for the listeners. Yeah, you guys love this, right? We'll tell them after the show. Yeah, Blair, do you have one? I have this bit where I feel like it goes so well

until the end where I used to think that men who fell in love with strippers were the dumbest people in the world. But then my trainer hit on me. Ah, that's good. These men are my brothers. They have wild, open, generous, hopeful, romantic hearts. But then I try and get the end. Like, I talk about how I miss the true story like I heard

him hit on like this really they didn't know I could hear this really hot girl at the gym as I was walking out and I already like knew this about him but then I was like and then I had to go straight to the strip club to be with my brothers but and like it hits but I feel like I need a harder right you but he also hit on another girl everyone yeah Yeah, but like perfect yourself that you that they don't yeah, you know and like a strip you're paying him. Yeah So yeah, yeah, yeah part two where I tried to go down that line It didn't really work where I was like I was gonna get you out of here

Funny you telling your friends like no he this guy I was gonna get you through school, but I don't feel like a dude hit. That's funny. It's not so funny you telling your friends, like, no, this guy likes me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, no, no, he's just, he's doing, that's what he does. Yeah. It was devastating. Yeah. And you were paying him and he hit on you?

No, he hit on another lady. No, but he hit on her too. Oh, he did hit on you. Oh, so he's just trying to. He also listens to podcasts, so he's probably gonna hear this. That's all right. That is the scrimmage of perfect. Wait, you're still seeing him after he hit on you? Oh, yeah, oh, so he's just trying to listen to podcast. So he's probably gonna hear this Still seeing him after he hit on you Pardon the bit about this my friends are like, why would you keep going to someone who says I think so? I just go

Yeah, your love I'm not in love. Okay ridiculous. Well, he's a hot guy. He is. Yeah Yeah, did you think about it? No, I have to keep going back Other trainers in LA. I know but I can afford oh he gives you a deal. Oh He does love you. That's the new bunch of fish in the sea is a lot of trainers in LA. Yeah, but if you joke machines, come up with a tag. Maybe also, I love the idea of the lap dance. He's stretching you. That's the same. Oh, yeah.

No, I did have a line too where I was like, yeah, I thought it was weird. He kept telling me to work on my kegels. But. And you heard him hit on someone else. I heard him hit on someone else. It was like humiliating. What'd he say? I was like this is how men feel when they really believe the strippers are in love with him. Yeah, yeah. That's a perfect A to B.

I was like I'm so dumb. What if there's, you know how a stripper will bring you to the champagne room, maybe he's like I'll be your only client. You know, like he's like we'll work together alone somewhere. Yes, yes. Like come to your house or something. Some kind of parallel with getting him alone. And you got to pay him a little more when he finishes the job. Yeah. I'm trying to think of the stripper parallels, like, yeah, you can't touch, stuff like that. Yeah, yeah.

How about a parallel between names of strip clubs and names of gyms? Is there something fun? Hard bodies. Hard bodies. names of strip clubs and names of gyms or something hard bodies yeah and maybe you pay him by putting ones in his whatever pants he's wearing parachute pants mark you had one at lunches well hold on one second there's one there's something maybe something else on here and we got to finish yours well there's something funny about like where do you you know you're supposed to like work out when you're down like where do You go to get over a fucking

What about this your bachelorette party you bring everybody to the gym There's something there for sure it's funny for yours We were just saying you know like instead of the puppies, maybe money in the shirt. Yeah. Or in the pockets popping out, cause you were like, you're like ladies. That's the woman version. Eyes up here. That's the woman version. Eyes up here.

All of the puppies is more like- The good visual. It's hard to not look at puppies. Right. The feeling is more like, how you're like, oh my God, look at that puppy. Like, you know, like wanna grab it or bite it. Yeah, I have to touch it, I have to bite it.

Yeah. It's like the tag, I'm always, when I'm doing the tag, I'm like, that's not the right tag, it's wrong. Yeah. Pug. If you look at them, like you get fired. Are they friendly?

Yeah, it's about like. Maybe a rescue could be fake tits. You rescue your tits, your small boobs and fuck it. Rescue is fake tits. Oh, your small boobs and fuck it. Rescued his fake tits. Ah, is that stupid? Pure bread? Yeah. Pure bread!

Pure bread. It's kind of like what ends the whole story, where you know this is the end and we're moving on. Do they have their shots? Maybe the end is the big difference is, I can go to the pound and get a free puppy. Tits are quite expensive or something. Yeah. The difference between them. Yeah, the difference is I can go to the pound and get a free puppy. Tits are quite expensive or something. The difference between them

instead of just comparing them. It could be a way to button it up. The difference between a non-discriminate which who I would let touch my puppies. Right, right. So not to take them to dinner first. Can you tell me something about them getting wet? Oh, wet puppy contest.

Maybe something with a puppy and tits They're both a lot of work to get back to the house like you got a potty tray in the puppy for tits You gotta buy dinner. I don't know. You gotta buy food for both. All right it's it's like if it could escalate to like because the the idea that like and if you like stare at like, like you get like in real trouble, like there's some escalated thing about

looking at these puppies, if there was something that was like funny. Yeah, they get older, you're like, that left one looks kinda rough. You know? Yeah. You got something here. It bothers me, it bothers me.

Oh, what about the idea of service tits? Oh? Service animals now what do you do with these of these boobs on the plane? I think they make me feel better They call me down. I need these medica. Oh, yeah. Yes You need you have to pay I have a note from my doctor seeing I did That doesn't make sense, but. Seeing eye tits. All right, I got one.

Help me with this. This is a raw, wacky idea. It's all up in the air. So me and the wife moved into this new house and we got this designer guy, like this flamboyant gay guy. He's an amazing designer, but they're butting heads left and right and they keep arguing. And she's like, you said this and how come you can't complete this? He's like, I never said that. And she's like, you said this, and how come you can't complete this? He's like, I never said that.

And she's pulling up receipts and stuff. Like you said it right here. And I'm like, oh, you're gay. You've never argued with a woman. This is a whole new world for you. You're way out of your element. And he's like, his head is spinning. And she's like, you said this, and I never forgot that.

And what about this six months ago? And he's like, where's all this coming from?' And so I need some money." I love that all the shit she's tortured you with is coming in handy. I'm sitting back. Because she's using it on someone who's working on the house. Exactly, yes, yes. Maybe there's another thing she does to you

that could like, you know. Oh yeah. What's another way she could like, you know. Yeah. What if she has puppies in her bra? I'm torturing you? What's another thing she does? You know. Yeah. What if she has puppies in her bra? I love that. Torturing you? Yeah.

What's another thing she does? She remembers everything. She has texts to prove everything. That's this one. Yeah. Investigative journalism. Yeah. Oh, the tone, I don't like your tone.

I feel like you're sliding me. Maybe the guy starts going back at her and she goes, I don't like your tone. You turn to him like, you're not gonna win this buddy. Yeah, yeah. Just from experience. Right. She starts withholding sex from him.

That's it, I'm never fucking you again. You're like, wait, what was that? What the hell did you just say? That's funny, I like that. That could be something. That could be good. That's really good. I like that. All right.

That's funny. Okay, that helps. Look at that. But he must go home to his husband at the end of the day. Thank God you're a dude. All right, what do you got there? I got a couple that are done. The one that's like I don't really know where to go with

is the good story about Gary and me on the road and we were on a tiny plane and this woman just took my seat and you know Garry and I were sitting together and I was like oh I that's my seat and she goes no I'm sitting here and I was like oh no I have it like right here I have the the ticket right here and she goes this is my seat. Oh baby. It's like a 40 minute flight fuck it I'll just sit in front. So the plane starts like it's the worst flight I've ever been on it's a tiny plane it starts going down it was terrifying I was like fuck,

Gary and I look at each other like holy shit, and she just starts going, ah, screaming, and without hesitation Gary and I just turn at her and start pointing and laughing at her. And it was like this thing where I was like oh my god, we were so happy she was miserable, we forgot it was gonna kill us. You know what I mean?

And then I wanna do something about like how, like the idea of like if we did die, like getting to heaven, like they screen your like last. Oh yeah. They like screen your last like hour. He's like, let me see, so how did you spend your last time? And she's like, you know, something like,

oh, and he's like, you took this guy's seat? Ah. Fucking bitch, you have to go to hell. And she just screams or something like that. Yeah. And then something about like screening my last hour and they're like, you just mocked. You just mocked a woman.

I don't really know where to go. A woman in terror? Yeah, you mocked a woman in, like you were good until you gave her the seat. You were good to her and then you just mocked. I don't really know where to go with this is my point. That's where. I think the heaven is a good angle

because it gives it somewhere to go. Yeah. Now we have that to play with. Heaven is good. She's not going to get in because you took your seat. I have a joke I thought I could maybe do. This might be too disgusting. I have a joke about coming to my sink. I know that one. You've heard that one. Yeah. And I thought maybe a guy could be running the footage and he's like, yeah, here you are giving a seat to a woman. That's very nice. And there you are in the cabin back. Oh, that's a good callback. I'm in a sink.

And I'm just like, yeah, but like, I could use, but I don't want that to be the whole bit, but that might work. Yeah. You were gonna be in the pre-check line and then you got moved back. I got moved, yeah. Oh yeah.

It's like, ooh, we gotta, yeah. Yeah, this is, see, this is. She takes your seat in heaven or something, that's when she gets your, move that to heaven, yes, is, see this is. She takes your seat in heaven or something, somewhere where she gets your. Mm. Move that to heaven, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. This is a tough one, this is why I'm bringing this one up. Yeah, yeah, that is tough.

You want, you hope the plane crash, she would die and you'd be like, oh, thank God, she took my seat. It could be funny if he sends us all to hell and it's a scary ass flight and she starts screaming again. Oh, yeah, that's her hell. But that's not, yeah, that's not enough. I don't know. Maybe there's something with a baby on a flight screaming

and something with her screaming, some kind of parallel there. I don't know, I'll crack this at the clubs. That's a tough one, yeah, I don't know where to go. Yeah, I feel a little stuck with it. Yeah. Flight, terrorist. Flight, Eris. Let's wrap up.

Wait, can I just give one more? Please. We can cut this. No, but like I do think where the audience is like horrified. We're not cutting it. We're keeping it all in, you piece of shit. I like really tiny legs. And like I've talked to it on stage.

Like, and I, one way I way I do would do it would be like I could do a really realistic Ted talk about a guy who was like in a motorcycle crash like 20 years ago. He's like well when I saw the sand in the road and then but I and then like one time I tried saying like I lost my legs but there was like a 12 year old Korean girl don't the donor was like a match, whatever. But it's like a TED Talk, what am I, is there a way to this bit where I'm doing a TED Talk? Those are tiny.

I know. Like Holocaust legs. It gets a laugh. Woody in Toy Story. I've said that, Woody in Toy Story. But I've tried a few different ways, and it's like sometimes. Wait, what are you trying to say?

Well, it's really just like the joke is gonna be within like the Ted talk, I think. It's where like the story would be like kind of funny but. All right, I lied, let's cut this. No! No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Ha ha ha ha.

No, I don't. Mine's like Tony Robbins. Oh yeah, yeah, exactly. I don't know, I'm confused. I don't know. Mine's stuck. Mine's stuck. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I don't know, I'm confused. I don't know what you're saying. There's no like smart bit here. It's just I have tiny legs and when I do this, it's very funny because it's visually,

I'm like, my legs don't work. Yes, a handicap. So it's like, it's a visual. Well, what's the Ted Talk? That's just like, I could do a very realistic one that I don't, like I, I was in a wheelchair for 20 years. Oh! They've atrophied.

I see, I see. It could be funny being like, you know, my legs are so, it sucks that like I walk and things work and they have basically the same look as FDR, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's even honking. I do heavy squats, like it's unbelievable. Come on.

Really? They just get tighter, they just get tighter. And it's also, you know the rip of like when you first start working out how much it hurts? It's like, you know, I do heavy squats, like it's unbelievable. Really? They just get tighter, they just get tighter. And it's also, you know the rip of like when you first start working out how much it hurts? Every week, same, just agony. Ironically, this joke doesn't have legs.

All right, okay, I was reaching. Let's plug you guys, tour guide. You guys wanna see some more of that? Yeah, no, there'll be no leg joke there for if you're in Brooklyn. I'm also gonna be in, if people go to my website and put in your zip code, I gotta figure out where I wanna go

and if people let me know where they are. Oh, that's a good idea. Because the emails, that's the way to go now with emails. Yeah, exactly. Are you on Punch Up? Yeah, I think I am actually. Nice. I just joined that. Oh, good. Good move. Both, exactly. Are you on Punch-Up? Yeah, I think I am actually. Nice. I just joined that. Oh, good. Good move. That was very funny. Bell House, Mothership, and something

else I saw. Yeah. Joe's Pub with the piano. With the band. Hell yeah. Yeah. All right. I'll be at Volcan Guys in Austin November 7th. And watch my special on YouTube, please. Yes, check out the spe- uh oh, we lost it. Uh oh. Where'd you go, Sally? Live from the big dog, baby. Austin, Tejas, go to the Vulcan Gas Co. Oh, I like that place. Yeah.

Great. Look at that hair. Woo! Thank you. Like a pinup. All right, what do you got there, Samuel L. Jackson? I got a Hilarities November 21st through 23rd, but then we're gonna go to the next one. Woo, like a pinup. All right, what do you got there? Samuel L. Jackson.

I got a Hilarities November 21st through 23rd, but then we're starting the bus tour in February, so literally going everywhere. So we got Charlotte, Richmond, Philly, DC, Bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, NOLA, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, Durham, New Haven, Providence, Portsmouth, Portland, Burlington, Montreal, Birmingham, Atlanta, Durham, New Haven, Providence, Portsmouth, Portland, Burlington, Montreal, Toronto, like 45 cities.

So just go to the website, punchup.live slash Samorail. That was the boost I needed right there. I'm literally coming everywhere. So just, that's Segura's tour name. I wish that was my fucking tour. I know, he nailed it. Mine is the Errors Tour, but I'm coming everywhere is the best fucking tour name.

Very good. Hey, Cleveland Hilarities. Best club. Great club. One of my faves. Fayetteville, Arkansas, Wichita, Kalamazoo, Chicago, theater, Poughkeepsie, You guys tour.

Connecticut, North Carolina, see Asheville. Oh, is Asheville, do they have people anymore? No, they don't. Oh, good. The gig will be canceled. All right. Noah, Wilkes-Barre. We should do something for them. Yeah.

All right, we'll figure something out. We'll send them a bottle of bodega. Houston, Phoenix, and Dallas. Thank you. Get some bodega cat, folks. Follow us on PunchUp.live slash just our names and see you all on the road. And really, PunchUp is doing something cool right now or you know these ticket companies are really fucking you guys and us

they're these crazy fees for you guys we're obviously not seeing that and you know we don't want you to pay that so that's why we're trying to build email lists make this a little easier but uh yeah PunchUp.live slash our names and drink bodega Cat. We're fucking everywhere right now. Florida, Texas, New York, New Jersey, Kentucky, Rhode Island, California, all over. We just got in like 15 new comedy clubs. So we love you all for doing that. And bodegacatwhiskey.com if you want to order a bottle. But also just the Instagram of Bodegacatwhiskey,

you could DM and our guy Matt handles that and he'll, if you want us in your liquor store, your restaurant or bar, we'll make it happen. Yes, we'll connect you. See both these people on tour, watch their stuff. Watch Blair's new special, watch Kyle's, all these new characters you're doing. Oh, killer.

So, we love you guys. Thanks for listening. Fun app. It's so fun. Thank you. Yeah. About the fucking hoax And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans

This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true