We Might Be Drunk - Ep 203: Whitney Cummings

Episode Date: October 28, 2024

Halloween 2024 and we go Dumb and Dumber with Whitney Cummings as the cop keeping us in line. Join us for a fun episode with jokes, peeves, bits and more. Support the show and get 15% off your Lumen. ...Head to  https://www.lumen.me/DRUNK Support the show and get a FREE $20 credit to the first 500 to sign up at http://kalshi.com/drunks Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD WMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ WMBD Clips Page: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Whitney Cummings: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/whitneycummings/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://whitneycummings.com/tour/ Sam Morril: YouTube Channel: @sammorril Instagram: https://instagram.com/sammorril/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: YouTube Channel: @marknormand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets We Might Be Drunk is produced by Gotham Production Studios https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ @GothamProductionStudios Producer Matt Peters: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters/?hl=en  @marknormand   @sammorril     @GothamProductionStudios  #wemightbedrunk #marknormand #sammorril #podcast #drunkpodcast #comedy #comedian #funny #gothampodcast

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Oh, hey! We might be drunk. We're here. Happy Halloween! The hot one, baby. Oh yeah! She must work out. Trying to think of some lines from that scene. We got no food, we got no money, our pets' heads are falling off! That meme was big with the Haitian cat hoopla. Ooh, that's good. Haitian cat, that's your next whiskey. Ooh, I like it!
Starting point is 00:00:30 It's got like a little kick to it. Yeah. You gotta like start to add. You're right. Strains, what do you call it? Strains, spinoffs? Yeah, strands. Strains.
Starting point is 00:00:41 Strains is dark. Yeah. Spinoff. When you have like, like Absolute had the regular and then they had the strawberry and the peach and the... Oh yeah. So another line, line. Lines.
Starting point is 00:00:51 Line, a new line? Yes. You know Hulk Hogan was originally offered the George Foreman grill? No. And he turned it down. Wow, he said give it to that N-word. That's his big thing, the N-word. Did you guys see the Vince McMahon? Oh?
Starting point is 00:01:06 I saw I saw the first one the first step. It's fucking so good I haven't seen it yet, but I love it when a meme is already huge before it's come out when he's going Yeah, yes, if he sorry where he's just like oh, yeah, I should was that in response to it's incredible that wrestling world is just such a circus of like spray tans and steroids and drug addicts and pill heads, it's a wild type of plastic surgery, just on him alone is bananas. This is the best part is that he gets basically me tooed and everyone's like, oh, he's finished
Starting point is 00:01:38 and he comes out this night to like, yeah, look at this. Is this the night? This is how he walks out. Ah! It looks like he was just at a P. Diddy's freak off. Ah! Can you get the music too? The music's the best part.
Starting point is 00:01:48 Oh, are we gonna get... Oh, that's a good time. Is that like a... The song is just called No Chance. Man, what a walk. He looks, he's walking like Meek Mill. Bieber after Usher. Oh yeah.
Starting point is 00:02:06 That custody of him. By the way, it's just out there I guess now that Bieber got plowed by like 50 black guys I guess. We were all hard on him. What did we think was happening? We were all hard on him. So were they. Ha ha ha.
Starting point is 00:02:16 Okay, not now. Look, we've been through Me Too, it backfired, people won't hire women anymore. Great job Amber Heard. Oh you're here. And thank you. Well people think I'm trans so that's. Ha ha Heard. Oh, you're here. And thank you. Well, people think I'm trans, so that's. No one thinks you're trans.
Starting point is 00:02:28 Really? Who said that? I don't know. So, I've read it. So, I, and don't, I mean, let's like go with it. I wanna keep working. I wanna get spots at The Cellar. Let's say I'm trans.
Starting point is 00:02:38 But wait, what was I just about to say about that? Oh. Oh, Bieber. You know what? There's something, and I don't mean to laugh because it is sick, that when a woman is like hugged too long in a Christmas party, we shut down and have like a parade and everyone has to like wear the same hat.
Starting point is 00:02:55 Right. When a boy gets molested, no one cares. Nobody cares. No one cares, people think it's like funny. Yes, 100%. That sounds like my purse when I walk down the street with all my pills. And that sounds like my uterus after I had a kid.
Starting point is 00:03:11 So it is, I mean, what did we think was going on with Bieber? Why was, why is anyone signing it? First of all, why is anyone entertained by a 13 year old at all? Like I don't see a 13 year old. Some people think they're hot. That's true. It's absolutely that.
Starting point is 00:03:25 Yeah, that's it. It's all it is. Like when, you know, did you see the iCarly documentary, the Nickelodeon documentary? Yes, yes. When you're like, okay, are you telling me that there are casting sessions where 13 year old girls go in and sing and dance
Starting point is 00:03:38 with like her, cause you, on some level, you know they're hot. Yes. Or they're gonna be hot. They're, eh, they're pretty hot. You name one ugly Disney star or. Yeah, but no one's. Yes. Or they're gonna be hot. They're pretty hot. Name one ugly Disney star or. Yeah, but no one's fucking a kid because they're gonna be hot.
Starting point is 00:03:49 They're not talent scouts. They're hot now. They're beat-ups, yeah. Yeah, they're into it now. They're not like, someday this is gonna pay off. Yeah, it's not an investment. They're going like, this person's a star. Okay, there's an ugly, there's an ugly kid.
Starting point is 00:04:00 That's one to Whitney. You know, this is. Thank you. But not ugly to certain gay men. I mean, that's true. You know what I mean? More pushing for the pushing. That's Josh Peck.
Starting point is 00:04:09 Is he the one who got molested? No, no one's touching that, plumpy. Here we go. Cheers, Whitney. Woo, hey, hey, it's a 13 year old. But that kid. The weird time to toast. When someone offers that kid candy, he's saying yes.
Starting point is 00:04:23 You know, like fish in a bed. Yeah, but then the Peters are like, he ate too much, I'm turned off. Yeah, yeah. That's good, he's in the sugar cone mod. They don't have to waste a roofie on him. But to your point, how about all these teachers out there who like fuck a 13 year old boy in Florida
Starting point is 00:04:36 and everybody says high fiving. No one's worried about the boy. Totally, but another thing I will say is, I guess this is the podcast where I come forward with all my flaws. How many times a day, by the way, do you say it was a different time? Probably four or five times a day for me. Same.
Starting point is 00:04:54 I was obsessed with one of my teachers in high school. And you would have done it? Yeah. Oh, consensually. Absolutely. Yes. I was like a sexual predator in high school. Because's like, cause it's also for women, like girls, whatever. When I was growing up, like if you grow up poor,
Starting point is 00:05:09 like dating an older guy is not, your family wants that. Right. Like he can pick you up from school. He can, oh, I don't know, 35? I don't know. When you're 14, everyone's like 35. That's true. Right?
Starting point is 00:05:23 That's true. I was like, I don't know if it was just the fantasy or the authority of it or you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Talking about slavery and history class, I don't know what was turning me on, but there's something, I know so many girls that dated their college professors. Oh, wow. Really?
Starting point is 00:05:39 It's like every Woody Allen movie for a period. Yeah. Correct. Every Woody Allen. My high school theater teacher gave the exchange student AIDS. No way. Not an A. AIDS. Yes.
Starting point is 00:05:52 She did get a D in there. Wow. Gave him AIDS. You got to pass her after that. And we all wanted to, I mean, I talked about this on my podcast with Kate Siegel. I don't know if you ever watched like Haunting of Hill House or those shows on Netflix.
Starting point is 00:06:05 She's a girl that I went to high school with who was kind of like my nemesis. We were both in theater class and we were both trying to like get the theater teacher to fall in love with us. And she's really successful like in the horror space as an actress. And we did a podcast together and we talked about it.
Starting point is 00:06:18 We were like, we were fully like groomed by this guy. We were obsessed with this guy. You know, cause I think at that age, you think like my theater teacher can like put me in movies. Yes, yes. Do you know what I'm saying? I mean his home movies. I'm a survivor. I lost my virginity to a hooker when I was 16. So I guess technically-
Starting point is 00:06:35 You paid for it though. You paid her, yeah. It was free. She didn't charge me. And look, I was into it. I was the king of high school for six months. You're not a survivor. You're a fucking legend. I'm a legend. But I'm saying if it was flipped, if I was a lady and that was a guy, that guy would be in jail.
Starting point is 00:06:49 I have a good bit about this where the bit is how I saw a headline that said Cougars in the Classroom, the alarming rate at which teachers are now sleeping with their students. Yeah. Like that's how much worse it is when like women do it. It's not a crime. You never see a headline like, fuck I'm gonna fuck up my own joke,
Starting point is 00:07:03 Silver Fox Dilf. Ah, right, right, it's Cougar. No priest fucks again. Yes, yes, exactly. You know, hottie boy scout master. You know what I mean? I'm fucking up my own shit. That's it, if you're a teacher at this point, like every moment you might get shot and killed,
Starting point is 00:07:19 maybe it's just like, these are our last words. Good point. Teachers are like cops now. They're living on the edge. Yes, yeah, might as well live it up totally. I don't know but also teachers now I mean they're kind of becoming there's a lot of amazing teachers at least where I am in California Which is part of the reason I'm gonna leave they're all like activists where you're leaving, California I might whoa that house you're gonna leave that house Wow
Starting point is 00:07:40 You could have had like a Sunset Boulevard like cool ass You could have had like a Sunset Boulevard like cool ass. Death falling from my spiral staircase. Every time I walked down that spiral staircase, I'm like, I will perish. This is how I will die for sure. It's such a cool place though. That's so nice, thank you. I appreciate it.
Starting point is 00:07:53 It really served its purpose during the pandemic as a rehab where everyone relapsed. Don't tell me you're going to Texas too. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Nashville? You know what, I love Nashville. My mom is from Texas originally, so I kind of like grew up do. You know what, I love Nashville. My mom is from Texas originally, so I kinda like get up there a lot.
Starting point is 00:08:07 I love Virginia, I love Pennsylvania. There's one you're leaving out that's a pretty cool city. I'm looking upstate New York, Hudson Valley. Whoa, mama! But I'm gonna say something. Please. I'm not really scared of anything, okay? Do you think I'm scared of anything?
Starting point is 00:08:22 Maybe getting aids from a teacher would be scary. Yeah, no, I would've loved it. At that time, by the way, that's when, have you think I'm scared of anything maybe getting aids from a teacher would be scary. Yeah, I would have loved it At that time by the way, that's when have you heard the conspiracy theory that magic Johnson didn't have AIDS. No I'm so into this. He's still alive. I know that some like pharma company Paid him to whatever like pretend he had AIDS. What I just kind of hope it's true easy that one I believe oh and that the Stevie Wonder wasn't blind? Oh, yeah, yeah. He could die from it, didn't he?
Starting point is 00:08:47 That's what I'm saying. He could die from something else. That's why I believe it, he died from AIDS. Oh wait, you're a woman. Let me ask you this, we're talking about, oh sorry. This one thing. Loop it up. She's not a woman according to Reddit.
Starting point is 00:08:58 I'm a woman and I'll forget. Can I get some ice? What are we doing here? We've got it chilled, you just gave us the ice for the shaker. Oh, I see. I'm legitimately scared of Lyme disease. Mm.
Starting point is 00:09:09 It's the one thing I don't, I'm not like, I've lived with coyotes and rattlesnakes. That makes sense. I'm in California, just chock full of pedophiles, but like Lyme disease, I can't tell if it's a fake disease. It's real.
Starting point is 00:09:21 That actresses pretend to have when they're mass bombing. Or if it's a real thing, because you, like Av actresses pretend to have when they're mass bombing. Or if it's a real thing because you, like Avril Lavigne was out for four years, her brain just. Whoa! Don't be a hater, boy. Greg Fitzsimmons' aunt had it,
Starting point is 00:09:33 she had to be on a drip for like 20 years. So I just did Montauk with Ari, and he got bitten by a bunch of ticks, and he couldn't eat red meat for like two months. Jesus. So it's no joke. So Rogan's not friends with him anymore? That's the punishment, you just have to eat fish or something?
Starting point is 00:09:49 That's not that bad. For some reason, if you eat red meat, you get wildly sick. So. He's flamed or something? Yeah, so he couldn't have red meat, so when I invited him to the strip house, he's like, I can't have red meat, I can't come. Because I have Lyme disease.
Starting point is 00:10:00 Yeah, but he kicked it. So he was. Oh, shut up, sorry, you just said. Well, I was gonna say say we're talking about young people Fucking them now. You're a lady Leonardo DiCaprio fucks 25 and then cuts it off We all know that and every woman is annoyed by that and hates it and calls him a creep But can he just be attracted to young women and not be an asshole
Starting point is 00:10:21 Can I stop you for one second please as you said? women and not be an asshole? Can I stop you for one second? Please. Because you said all women say this? Not all women, just the annoying ones. I've heard a lot on the internet about him being a piece of shit. Okay. I don't think there's anything wrong.
Starting point is 00:10:34 First of all, we don't know that he's breaking up with them. There's a pattern. Okay, but also I just do believe, I'm not defending them, but child stars are stunted, I feel like. Yes. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, he at least picked the right age. Look at Michael Jackson. Ooh.
Starting point is 00:10:52 He went to at least of age. I think it just bothers women internally because they're older. But don't you think that Michael Jackson, he became famous at six, and then he only wanted to hang out with six-year-olds. Yeah. Yeah, but Leo became famous at 14, right?
Starting point is 00:11:04 That's true, yeah. I guess basketball diaries maybe or Gilbert Grape. So he's keeping it legal and- What I'm saying is Gilbert Grape was a documentary. Yes. Yes. I don't, like honestly, like I always thought it struck me allegedly as like just a little gay.
Starting point is 00:11:18 Little gay. Like, well you know what it is, it's like when you see a guy date the same girl over, like this is what straight men do, right? That's kind of what it feels like to me, but honestly, as long as it's of age, who gives a shit? But my point is if these women, like a 23-year-old woman became a CEO of some company,
Starting point is 00:11:34 everybody would go, good for this, wow, look how young this CEO is, she's a brilliant woman. Would they? No, they'd be like, fuck her, she must've condo-ed away to the top. I think women would be proud of her. They'd be like a push for women like, wow, a young female CEO. They wouldn't go, hey, her frontal brain isn't finished.
Starting point is 00:11:49 But when Leo dates her, her frontal cortex is undeveloped or whatever it is. So how come CEO OK, HPV not OK? I'm too dumb to follow what you're saying. Well, I'm just saying. What if he started dating like one of those Down syndrome models? What do people say then? They're like, ah, well, you know. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:12:08 Hero or is he a president? Yeah, that's true. Why? OK. I'd go down, Zoner. OK, you, at 14 years old, he believably sucked a dick for drugs in a bathroom. That's true.
Starting point is 00:12:20 What a data model. I don't know what you mean. Something's off if you're that good of an actor. Right. Something's off. He is so good of an actor. Right. Something's off. He is so talented, this guy. There's just something to me about like,
Starting point is 00:12:28 he made, you know, not Inception. Yeah, Inception, right? Revenant. He made all these great movies. Howard Hughes. Oh yeah, oh yeah. And we're like, I don't like. Alan Page played a woman in that movie. So it was a lot of great acting going around.
Starting point is 00:12:39 That's true. It's like, I don't like who he dates. Okay. Yeah. I don't like that you spend your life complaining about a millionaire. Yeah, that's a good point. It's just kinda like cool, I don't think he wants to talk to you either.
Starting point is 00:12:51 Is it legal? Then it's kinda like. It is legal. Yeah, so kinda who gives a shit? Yeah. Wow, we got Gisele at 18, what a fuckin' hero. You see? My God.
Starting point is 00:13:00 It's always weird when you get him right at 18. Yeah, and one thing else. Feels like you're waitin' around. Yeah. One more thing I'll say, I remember, I think it was John Mayer who was like kinda into comedy, you know, you know that John, he was coming around. He's tried it.
Starting point is 00:13:10 I'm trying to not a. Shit on him. Aim drop. Hilarious how you filled that in. But he was saying something about, I was like, I mean you're married, thank God, now, right? Yes, yes. And you are, you know, but you're in a good place.
Starting point is 00:13:24 Because once you get famous, like any woman, any guy, every guy that I've dated until now, thank God the guy that I'm dating, I didn't know that he was that famous when I met him. I truly didn't know. I just, because his body is so husky, I didn't realize he was like. She's with us, sure.
Starting point is 00:13:38 A big skater. And so, there's something about like, people don't even know they're doing it. When you're like a little bit famous, it like intoxicates them, whatever. Every guy I've dated for the past 10 years, they're a lawyer, they're a doctor. We start dating, they wanna start a podcast.
Starting point is 00:13:53 They reach me, stand up. And it's just sort of like, was that because we, but there must be something in the back of their mind. So John Mayer once was saying, I was like, why do you only date famous women? You know what I mean? I was like giving him shit about it. Because a woman that's not famous wants to be famous
Starting point is 00:14:09 if they, that's why so many famous guys date bottle service girls, because they already have, they already have to come talk to you. Like they're not seeking you out in the club. You never hook up with just the girl who's like, hey, oh, oh hey, hi. That makes sense. Do you know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:14:24 So it's like also. Mark and I frequent at night clubs, so yes oh, oh, hey, hi. That makes sense. Do you know what I mean? So it's like also. Mark and I frequent at a nightclub, so yes, we do know what you mean. But Leonardo DiCaprio's so famous, you know what I mean? So he basically just every year is like, what is he gonna get on a hinge? Right. He's gonna get like farmers only.
Starting point is 00:14:36 He just has to go like to the Victoria's Secret fashion show and be like, her. Like that's his dating app. And these John Mayers, they go on a hinge, they start talking to a girl, she posts their conversation because she's got nothing to lose You know so she gets to be like he was toxic he gaslit Yeah, I feel like the Victoria's Secret models know the deal they know the deal and they're like I get to date Leonardo DiCaprio For two years no one gets hurt exactly good point good point
Starting point is 00:14:59 I think he got something there every now and then and it probably helps your career if you're a young model and you yes You're probably getting more work after. That's a good point. One of his girlfriends is right here behind. This is Allie McBeal. And that's Winnie right there, unfortunately. Oh, she had a good run. So what are the Halloween,
Starting point is 00:15:15 what can we dress as this year? Well, you're the cop, you're Harlan Williams, basically. We're Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels and Dumb and Dumber. We also got, by the way, we got Kit Kats. Nice unders. Because we heard you like Kit Kat. I love Kit Kat. So this is like Japanese Kit Kat, so it's crazy flavors.
Starting point is 00:15:31 I can read them all for you. So there's dogs in it? Yes, there is. Hitting. This one is Chihuahua, and then we have chocolate mint, matcha. Wait, what? Yeah, cookies and cream.
Starting point is 00:15:40 Baskin Robbins Kit Kats? Like, thank you you actually for real. This is what the Asians do. They take everything we invent and then they make it all weird. Then they add orange to it. Yeah. Orange peel. Oh my God, mint chocolate chip is my favorite.
Starting point is 00:15:54 Mark, throw me one. I wanna try one of them. But I just mean like, like what can we dress as this year? We can't. What was this shit? Everybody's doing ray gun. The fact that we're allowed to be pirates,
Starting point is 00:16:05 they raped and pillaged. Yeah, I know, that's a good point. That's fine. But you can't be Hitler. Okay. That's the one right there. You know what is wild about Hitler? I know you guys are already like.
Starting point is 00:16:17 What's wild? Can I ask how old you guys are? This sounds like a VH1 show. What's wild about Hitler? I saw one recently that said Hitler the early years. I'm like, all right, he's not the fucking stones. You know? The one that's like Hitler, his sex life of Hitler?
Starting point is 00:16:30 No. No, but that's where he's in incest and his cousin. Yeah, his cousin. Whoa! Did you know that he wanted to be a- Worst thing he's ever done. Sorry. Did you know he wanted to be a painter?
Starting point is 00:16:40 Yeah, everybody knows that. But like- He failed. That's if a man wants to paint, let him paint. Yeah. You hear that, Hunter Biden? Yeah. By the way, Hunter Biden's an amazing painter.
Starting point is 00:16:51 Pull up some Hunter Biden work. That's true. And then please pull up George W. Bush paintings, because they're actually kind of my favorite. And Jim Carrey. Oh, I'd like to talk about that. It does feel like when you start painting, a latch gun wrong. Yes, yes. Tough.
Starting point is 00:17:03 Yeah. All right, maybe he's not great, but What does that mean? Bush was good. What would it get to take you to start painting? My mom's a painter. I mean, I like- That's cool.
Starting point is 00:17:12 So is Rosebud's. I like, you know, I'm just not good. I see her work. I'm like, oh, I'm shit. So I even try this, but it is kind of like therapeutic when you paint. I think you're like, you're getting something out kind of.
Starting point is 00:17:23 Oh, for sure. This is Hunter Biden's paint, you think these are good? That was Bush. Oh, Bush. These are Biden's. Can you do Bush dogs? Honestly, the fact that this guy ran the United States of America,
Starting point is 00:17:34 when you see these paintings, it... Pfft. Ah, now watch this drive. Wow, pretty good Bush. Look at the apron, what a cutie. That's cute, I like it. That's great. Yeah, it's not bad.
Starting point is 00:17:49 He had access to the nuke button. You got that right. This is the most make a wish ass shit I've ever, can you do that one? Well let's see Trump or Biden. Look at this, hold on, hold on. Look at this one on the bottom right. Oh, yeah that guy killed Obama, no, Ben Laden.
Starting point is 00:18:04 Brought to you by St. Jude's Hospital. That's right. Look at the bottom, right? What was an Obama who is it was a dude? Yeah? Dogs have Down syndrome look at the eyes Wow If I was in a hotel when I was in the wall be like that's cute. I like it Yeah, you'd be like all right. I was in a hotel when I was on the wall, I'd be like, that's cute. I like it. Yeah, you'd be like, all right, I got to upgrade. Put me in a good mood. Very nice.
Starting point is 00:18:27 That's heartbreaking. But look at that. That's some abstract shit. This is a lot of drugs talking. This is Hunter. Oh, yeah. That's... That's kind of fun. He's a good looking dude. He doesn't get his due for his nice face. Let me see. Let me see. All the crap in there. Is that the... Hunter Bynum, the... Joel and his son?
Starting point is 00:18:42 Yes. Okay. Oh, yeah. That guy's fucked a lot of whores those teeth are those are new teeth those are those are I did 80s cocaine teeth yeah those are funded by Putin so okay is he in jail going to jail I think these politicians they all skate he's gonna get out although gonna be fine I did ask if on the show I could be Kamala for Halloween because she might be drunk.
Starting point is 00:19:10 Ah ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! But they said no. What do you mean, who's they? Who's the, oh yeah, who? The non-binary Booker? I don't know. You worried about Whitney doing blackface on her pod?
Starting point is 00:19:20 Ah ha ha ha! Brown face? Brown face. Indian face? Could go either way. But by the way, I should just come clean. I feel the need to say this as much as possible. You come from a middle class family? No.
Starting point is 00:19:30 No. Have you seen her house, her middle class house? No, pull it up. I mean, it is like a castle. It looks like the Home Alone house. It's like Berkeley, right? What's up with the Montel Williams thing? She's a date Montel Williams.
Starting point is 00:19:41 Yeah, yeah, you could do worse. Also, do you saw the thing with her husband, Doug, hit a woman. Did he hit a woman? Whoa! Recently? He slapped a woman. He doesn't hit women.
Starting point is 00:19:51 Also, whatever he did to a woman is probably not worse than what Trump has done to women. Well, did you see that just randomly, as soon as it was around when she was gonna start running, they proactively were like, her husband had an affair with the previous nanny. They're like, I'm like, what are they getting at? Also, they're just finding out this shit out now.
Starting point is 00:20:09 I know. That's not it. Oh, maybe I got fake news, I don't know. She worked at McDonald's. It was like a brick house, the one that I saw. I don't know. All right. I don't know, like, do you look at stuff now,
Starting point is 00:20:20 and you're like, that might be true. I don't believe anything. Well, this is her house now, apparently. But who who cares is she gonna do a good job or not? I don't give a shit about working at McDonald's or you're from the streets or whatever I mean she went to private school in Montreal also I think a drunk woman is the scariest thing on the planet Woman you know in comedy shows Man-tackling you're fine if it's a drunk woman. You're like you threw in childless because you just had a baby
Starting point is 00:20:44 I eliminated yourself from that nothing to lose If a drunk man's heckling, you're fine. If it's a drunk woman, you're like. You threw in childless because you just had a baby. You eliminated yourself from that. She has nothing to lose. By the way, Whitney just had a baby. We put a dead baby next to her. Yeah, guys. Sorry. What have we done?
Starting point is 00:20:52 We've had some abortions, I assume. Some, plural? Jesus. They're back to haunt you. But I can't. This is you and Shob's kid. Oh, no. Whatever happened to seven weeks?
Starting point is 00:21:02 OK, you and Shob's kid, god damn it, Mark. Of all the conspiracy theories we've talked about on this podcast. Just kidding. Shob's whiskey's $90 a bottle and Bodega Cat is only 40. What is the logic on pricing? Like how do you even? We're making people. We respect our fans and we don't want them
Starting point is 00:21:21 to overpay for our whiskey. Yes. That's sick. And then, what is this called? Tiger Thick. Oh, it's 60, lowered it. It used to be 90. Does it cure CTE?
Starting point is 00:21:32 No. Ah. We love you. Woo. And what do you know, so is yours Japanese whiskey? No. No. No, it's made in Merca? Yeah, you got that right, sister.
Starting point is 00:21:43 Respect, I like that. Yeah, there's 73 there. Oh, it, you got that right, sister. Respect, I like that. Yeah, there's 73 there. Oh, it's gone up. Okay, interesting. This fucking, whatever this Kit Kat was was fucking delicious. No, these are insane. Do you not get your fans mad at you
Starting point is 00:21:53 if you eat on the podcast? Just get it off mic. Okay, got it, got it, got it. That's the key. Which of these should I try? I wanna try one of these kombuchas. Mark, are you doing it? Oh, I'd like to have one as well.
Starting point is 00:22:01 Ah, I would say, why don't we do the Mango Daydream? Whoa! All right. Or, oh no, no, no, you're gonna to have one as well. I would say, why don't we do the mango daydream. Whoa! All right. Or, oh no, no, no, you're gonna like the painkiller. That one. Painkiller? It's kind of pineapple-y. Bring it on.
Starting point is 00:22:13 This is LA libtard, the juice of LA libtard. Hell yeah. Hard kombucha. Well the juice killed Christ, so be careful. Dude, you will get, it's like a beer, healthy beer, you will not get a hangover and tomorrow you will take the shit of your life. Pineapple, orange, nutmeg, green tea, and kombucha.
Starting point is 00:22:31 What about the alcohol? Where's the, oh, hard kombucha. You want a trans woman dating app? Six percent. Six percent alcohol. But like, if Kamala wins and she keeps drinking, I think world leaders will be scared of us. She'll just be like drunk dialing.
Starting point is 00:22:49 I'm my most confident when I'm drunk. They'll be like, she's mad at us and we don't know why. Four days a month, she'll just be like a monster. Yeah, yeah. Those days are long past. What is she 60? Yeah. No, she's gotta be reasonable, at least, you know.
Starting point is 00:23:06 Metapause, you mean? Never, yeah, menopause. When does that hit? 51? It's kinda different for everyone, but now this whole thing, they call me HoRogan, with microplastics, they're making babies' taints smaller, they're making us fertile sooner,
Starting point is 00:23:21 girls are having their period at like four, and they're having metapause earlier. Yeah. Easy, RFK Jr. Holy, holy. What's in the tap water? Dude, he would have been scary as shit. Like, because all our leader has to do at this point is like be scary to China and Russia,
Starting point is 00:23:35 right? Yeah. RFK, if he just was like, Russia would be like, damn. Yeah, he's against war too. So he would just make one phone call. Did you see the guy from Chuck came out supporting Trump? Chuck. Yeah, you know that dude.
Starting point is 00:23:51 Yeah, yeah. Levi, Alec, or Zachary Levi. Look at that guy, that's a hot shoe. Oh hey, I'll take it. He's like you guys as one person. Oh yeah. He kind of is. Ah, there's Whoopi.
Starting point is 00:24:02 There we go. Imagine voting differently because the guy from Chuck. Oh, the Shazam guy. That's why they keep doing these debates. You know, like, who's it for? They get good views. I mean, politics is the new sport. I know, but think about how much money
Starting point is 00:24:17 is wasted on our elections. It's fucking insane. Oh, it's crazy. I heard there's not enough money for the hurricane people. Yeah, but you can spend what, 15 million per week or whatever they're spending. I'm not the numbers right, but you know what I mean. I know it's bad. It feels like a giant distraction that I don't know.
Starting point is 00:24:34 Oh, completely. I mean, but I feel like this is all we think. When I was a kid, we didn't this wasn't that big of a deal. When I was a kid, it was also like you didn't lead with your political. Yes. You didn't like you're not like fuck you, Mag. Or like you didn't lead with your political. Yes. You didn't like, you're not like, fuck you, Mag, or like fuck you, I'm with her. You were just like, hey, I'm Sam. Yes.
Starting point is 00:24:52 It wasn't like the first thing you let, it's weird, sometimes you go to a small town and that's how they still are and they're like shocked. Right. Back then we- You lead with your political beliefs, I lead with my pronouns. Well, we used to do it with race, like the good old days.
Starting point is 00:25:05 You know, like, oh, you're one of them. Stay out of my neighborhood. Now it's, now we can all mix racially and gay, but it's political division everywhere. My family's all split up. Still, really? Oh yeah, it's bad. A lot of politics, they just don't like each other.
Starting point is 00:25:19 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well. Are there people that were tight and then they voted differently or believed different things? Totally, totally. And you're like, it's weird because a lot of the open-minded, inclusive people are like, get them out of the house.
Starting point is 00:25:32 And you're like, well, they just disagree with you. They're not bad people. They just like certain- It's always the most progressive liberal lefts that are like, you're garbage if you don't agree with me. It's like, I believe in free speech as long as you're saying what I believe. Right, it's a bummer. What?
Starting point is 00:25:46 It's gotten like so extreme. That's the hard thing, right? Cause like Twitter is definitely the most free speech place, but like man, it is a fucking cesspool. Woo! Like I'm for free speech, but you're like, man, at the same time this does bum me out. I can be for both.
Starting point is 00:25:58 But I think we're also like, you know, mental illness is like, we're just seeing it run. You know what I mean? Oh yeah. People used to be mentally ill in their homes, they would like collect dolls or something. Now they're on Twitter, you know, mental illness is like, we're just seeing it run, you know what I mean? People used to be mentally ill in their homes, they would like collect dolls or something, now they're on Twitter, you know, just doing this. Yeah, usually you would just be a comic on stage getting that out, now you got this shit in your pocket too.
Starting point is 00:26:16 I know. Holy shit. So many people we know are just unraveling. Yeah. Like this is like, you're like, you're either gonna look back at this and feel so much shame, or even worse, you're not. I know. This is just who you will become forever. That's back at this and feel so much shame or even worse. You're not I know this is just who you will become forever Like that's true. You can't let yourself fall into it like Elon Musk is like all in he's just you can tell all day
Starting point is 00:26:33 He's captured by it and you're like you got shit to run man. You run a business It's weird. I have this like I'm sorry to be annoying and maybe this is I just had a kid and I like go to like Kid and you see you're like wait everyone started like this. I know and that a kid, and I go to like, once you have a kid and you see, you're like, wait, everyone started like this? I know, isn't that weird? It's, you're like, what happened? Everyone had their ass wiped and had to be put to bed and screamed all night. Hitler was a baby?
Starting point is 00:26:54 Ah, he wasn't so bad. That's true, he wasn't. And so I, I don't know, like the Lamas thing, I guess he's got a trans kid, right? Oh. And once you have 12 kids, one of them's gonna be trans. And lots of kids. When you're playing with those types of numbers.
Starting point is 00:27:09 That's true, the odds. Also, why do you have to keep coming in people at a certain point? I understand having a few kids, but 12? He's trying to populate Mars. Yeah, but when you have the CEO of four companies, you gotta have 12 kids, you're not gonna be there for two kids. My thing is is more how come everyone he procreates with looks like an alien
Starting point is 00:27:30 Genuinely was like, you know what like before I had a kid I was like, let me just ask Rogan because it seemed amber hurts He like everyone seemed to be having cable on musk I was like a good retirement plan, right and I was like gonna be like Rogan hook me up a lot of us Let's meet with the mother. Yeah, and then I was like, oh my eyes are way too close together for this guy I mean the women they are like like, oh, my eyes are way too close together for this guy. I mean, the women they date, they are like the goldfish eyeballs. Like he wants to procreate with an alien.
Starting point is 00:27:50 100%. That's his king. But I don't know, it's like, don't you think it's all just like addiction? Like, you know what I mean? What, coming? God complex. There's that, but procreating or like being on Twitter
Starting point is 00:28:02 all day, like everyone's got some kind of- I think you don't care. I think honestly that's where like the ultra rich and the ultra- Look at her, look at that! Whoa! But that's where the ultra rich and the ultra poor come together, is they just will both come in anything. That's true! They will just like, I think if you're rich you're like, it'll be fine, I'll just, you know, I'll get- Oh, yeah, I get it.
Starting point is 00:28:18 And if you're poor you're like, my life is fucked anyway, I'll just keep coming in people. Yeah! I need to have kids so they can go work, and that's how, that's why I having kids started. It was like, we have a farm, I need kids to help me, right? Right, exactly, yeah. Is that it? Nick Cannon has a huge farm apparently. But then you also go, but then you also go like,
Starting point is 00:28:35 oh, this guy has everything, but still needs meaning in his life. Like it's not working. Like you see someone get successful and you're like, oh, that didn't work. If I was on Musket and had a billion dollars, you would never see me again. Yeah, billion dollars, you would never see me again. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:28:47 You would never see me again. Well, he is a special breed. Well, he is way more than a billion dollars, by the way. He's like a Howard Hughes type. No, Howard Hughes disappeared. Oh, that's true. He had the jars of urine. But there was no good in it.
Starting point is 00:29:00 But also in the 90s. Chapter of his memoir, Jars of Europe. In the 90s though, there was like four big things. It was Menendez Brothers, Rodney King, OJ, and something else. Have you seen that shit on Netflix? Menendez Brothers? Yes, but the point is, now that's,
Starting point is 00:29:19 I get nine of those a day on Twitter. In a decade, we had four big things. And now we get, and we had Bill Clinton with Monica Lansky. We had Lorraine and Bobbitt. Okay, we had five things. We had Benet Ramsey. We had six things. But there wasn't a 24 hour news cycle back then. Don't forget the beautiful toddlers. Oh, the pageants? No, like with John Benet Ramsey. Oh, yeah, yeah. That was in the 90s though. Oh, sorry. Okay. But you see my point. Now you get 18 of those a day on Twitter.
Starting point is 00:29:47 Our scandals used to be like, Dennis Rodman is in a wedding dress. Yes! Oh, god, so charming. Or What's-Her-Face's tit came out at Janet Jackson. That was like the scandal of the year. Ter Reid, yep, yep. And now.
Starting point is 00:29:58 That was a Super Bowl, that was crazy. That was crazy. Which by the way, when you look back and you're like, did we get played? Didn't that feel a little intentional? Like why did she have the nipple ring on? Remember yeah, that was planned. They knew what they were doing. Well. She wouldn't she had a pierced nipple in there I don't think she had a son Nipple piercing around her nipple right pull it up pull it up see if my mom
Starting point is 00:30:21 I heard this your jelly rolls looking at a tit So it's not even a nip. She had a cover on. It was like a giant pasty that was a cross that we were never supposed to see. Wow, so that's not even that bad. I can see the areola a little bit. I don't, yeah, that's weird.
Starting point is 00:30:38 Oh, okay, that is a nip. That's a full nip. I don't think you would have put that on your nipple if you didn't plan to reveal it. Yeah, I think it's been confirmed, this is planned. Isn't that kind of wild? Like that just blows my mind, the idea of like planning. We're so bad at that as comics.
Starting point is 00:30:53 This is like the Bruder films here, this is crazy. Yeah. Wait, did you show your tit and I missed it? I kind of tried to, but then I remembered that I'm wearing a bra that has stains on it. Ah. So I. Is that from breast milk? No, that's just from me doing laundry
Starting point is 00:31:10 and not knowing what I'm doing. All right. Not giving a shit. You do laundry in the city? I mix my whites and my blacks. I'm very progressive. Wow. I did not do laundry in the city now.
Starting point is 00:31:20 Back in my house. How long are you here? I'm leaving tomorrow. I've been here for a while though. I've been here for a while though. I've been here for a while. I did, I'm hosting the Friends game show. Oh wow. The show Friends.
Starting point is 00:31:31 Really? Yeah, there's a game show about the show Friends. Could that be any more irrelevant? Honestly, like it's, I have no joke for this, but it's like at a time where everything is like dividing everybody, it's like everybody. Oh, look at that. I think I, yeah, I saw this on Instagram. Yeah, why not Congrats? Hey, not that's good money. That's easy paycheck
Starting point is 00:31:50 Get in that's it. That's a couple of yuck thing But okay, so what other Halloween costumes? I was thinking about it because I was like I Do need to just come forward with the fact that I did dress as a geisha when I was 18 And I when I tell you Trudeau level to the waterline white paint. I mean waterline, there are photos of me that I am saving for one of my.
Starting point is 00:32:12 That's not a skin color though, you're all right. Well in the photos. But if you do the eye pull back. I am just. Did you do that? No I didn't. Oh okay, well then you're good. My comedy career didn't start sooner.
Starting point is 00:32:21 But I am literally standing like this. Like, oh, like do you know what I mean? And I. Transphobic, what the hell is that? Stop it. He dresses as a lady. and start sooner but I I'm literally standing like this like oh like yeah I mean and I was transphobic with it's just as a lady that is not a transphobic costume to dress up I'm always to do that all the time did you dress as a woman all all the time what did that high school I'm a bat I would look like a bad woman yeah I'm a hairy dude when guys dress as a woman or a baby I'm always like what are we the baby is the hot buff guys who want to go shirtless in a diaper. Or the fat guy.
Starting point is 00:32:49 Or the fat guy, that's fun. The fat guy in the diaper is fun. Baby hooey, I like. But when I was in high school we had opposite day and the boys dressed as girls and the girls dressed as boys. What? Everyone had a great time. That's amazing.
Starting point is 00:33:02 That was normal. It was a great, it was a great, great fun, but also I was like a tomboy I always dress like a boy to know you're dressed like a boy right now. I always I love it I thought these were defunded by Eating disorder is you're not like a mental person a serial killer come on. What are we doing here? I thought Halloween was supposed to be scary, now they're like, please don't shame the Unable. An unhoused sin.
Starting point is 00:33:28 You can't do a hobo, it was a classic. That's a great costume. Are these out now, people are saying you can't do this? This is a list of problematic shit. I'm sorry, it's goodhousekeeping.com, I mean, I don't think our target demographic. All the cool people would come to the costume in the offense of costume.
Starting point is 00:33:43 Of course. That was always the cool person. The best costume I saw, I've said it a million times, it was when I was a kid at a party in Louisiana, there was a guy in a wheelchair dressed as Superman. And he won, everybody high-fived, and he cleaned up. He got laid. And the Anne Frank costume? Oh, that's great.
Starting point is 00:34:01 By the way, I was in Amsterdam a week ago. I could not get into the Anne Frank house It was so it was so fun. I was like, I didn't know that to fucking know somebody to get in here it was so frustrating yeah, because it was it was like torrential downpour and I knew I had to make a This is like the most classic I posted on Instagram like I can't get Anne Frank tickets What do I do and like in a story and all the responses are like Jewish mafia like Schumer Jessica Seinfeld They're like, how can we help? I'm like, I don't fucking I was just trying to get tickets, what do I do? And in a story, and all the responses are like Jewish mafia, like Schumer, Jessica Seinfeld, they're like, how can we help? I'm like, I don't fuck it, I was just trying to be funny, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:34:30 And then I found a ticket online, and when I got there, I found out it was a walking tour, which I'm like, I didn't know she was walking, I thought that was a problem, she was in a fucking attic. She was hiding. Yeah, she was hiding. So they're like, no, the walking tour is three miles away, and I was like, it's like a thunderstorm.
Starting point is 00:34:44 So I'm like, pleading with the person, I'm like, can you please, like, just can you make any room? Is it? Yeah. I'm like, please make room. And they're just, she was like, there's nothing I can do.
Starting point is 00:34:53 Oh! God damn. I'll tag on social. I'll promote. I'll pay partnership and Frank House. If I was a Jew in the forties, I wouldn't have had a place to hide. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:35:03 I'm not a good enough planet. That's true. But no, we went to the Van Gogh thing right before it and I got tossed. Some of the people in Amsterdam were kind of, the shows were fucking amazing, but the people were kind of pricks. I had a little guy throw us out of the museum. Like a midget? No, he was like 5'4".
Starting point is 00:35:19 Meter? But he was a fucking prick. We did the Van Gogh museum. If you're a short guy, tough. Tough sledding. But we were nice. I know, but it doesn't matter, you're tall. Yeah, you're tall.
Starting point is 00:35:32 You know what I mean? There's a whole thing about, a friend of mine used to be like a security person at nightclubs and they hire women a lot of times to run nightclubs to deal with short men because if there's, I'm dead serious, if there's a bouncer, like they get super aggro. They're like, you know how small dogs have to bother you?
Starting point is 00:35:47 Overcompensate? Imagine being a short man. You're just instantly, you're not a provider. Whoa. That's why so many short men. I shouldn't have said that part to him, but yeah. I feel like short men, that's why they're short. You're not even a provider, dude.
Starting point is 00:36:00 That with women, because you don't see a really hot chick with a short guy, what's the first thing you think? Big dick? He's rich. Rich. Right? Because like every million dollars adds an inch of height. Oh. I feel like that's my like general math on that.
Starting point is 00:36:11 That makes sense, that makes sense. I have like compassion for the short kings out there. Yeah. What is it? You're an honest lady. Is it just weak? What do you see? I dated a shorter guy than me,
Starting point is 00:36:21 but he was very successful in his field, and like I didn't really think about it. But I swear to God. Even with the arm around his shoulder? Like that didn't bother you? It prepared me for having a baby. I would never rock him to sleep, he breastfed. But I just was so- Why did it end?
Starting point is 00:36:37 I was so in awe of what he did for a living. I'll tell you why it ended in a second. Mission Impossible goes protocol. I thought he was a thousand feet tall. But I did one time go on this date with a guy and it was in a place called Delaney's Pizza in LA, horrible pizza, because that's what we do there. And he was sitting down and I came in
Starting point is 00:36:58 and we had the best time. All right. Best time. Well, if he's sitting, it's tolerable. At the end of the date, we stood up and it was like boom. Oh! Oh! God damn it.
Starting point is 00:37:09 Is there anything that could happen to us? It's like a fat chick on the phone. Ooh. You know, you're like, this gal's awesome. Truth about cats and dogs. That was episode two of Taxi, was Judd Hirsch is like, falls for this girl on the phone and they meet her and she's fat.
Starting point is 00:37:21 Oh, it's hilarious. It's a rough, but it's like, it's a rough, but it's like they, it's a tender tale. He's very nice about it. Yeah. Have you seen Fat Pig, the Neil LaBute play? I think he got like canceled for being too talented or something. No, I know he did like Friends and Neighbors, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:37:36 And there was a, Jeremy Piven was in the Broadway play of Fat Pig, and it's about a guy that's in love with a girl who is heavy and all his friends, like he can't do it. Oh, interesting. But she's like hot and he's so into her Well men women get so mad if we if we get if we're not into fat women, but it's just like you're not in a short Women, how come we can't have it on some level you probably biologically feel like it's not healthy. Of course You know you want to see the body parts and not the extra stuff or like on some primordial level
Starting point is 00:38:01 Maybe you think they're already pregnant. Oh, yeah Well, if you can't see the vagina it's a real turn off. Well she's got many vaginas all over her body. That's true, I can fucking roll. I gotta be honest. Why do I keep saying that? You can fuck a roll, she can eat a roll. I have never been hit on more than when I was pregnant.
Starting point is 00:38:19 Really? Get the hell out of here. It's a porn category, I know dudes who are into that. That's true. Explo- Well your tits probably got way bigger too. Giant, they look, and then the, but the veins, it looked like the New York subway map. Pull em up! It's a porn category, I know dudes who are into that. That's true. Exploited. Well your tits probably got way bigger too. Giant, they look, but the veins,
Starting point is 00:38:26 it looked like the New York subway map. Pull him up. Well my wife is pregnant now, and I'll tell ya. Oh yeah, hey. Thank you, thank you. Congratulations, who's father? It's not his, but he's sticking around. It's Greer Barnes.
Starting point is 00:38:39 But the sex, I mean I feel like she's more sensitive downtown. Oh, you're so hornated. It's crazy. So horny. It's a- Is it because you're scared the guy might leave because you got bigger? That's what they say biologically. You wanna keep the guy in the house?
Starting point is 00:38:54 Yeah. So how many months? You've already talked about this. Five, five in, four to go and- Whoa, you wanna keep it? It's full down, so we're on the fence, but yeah. I'm pumped for this baby shower. Yeah, yeah, we're having a baby shower.
Starting point is 00:39:08 Nice. And what's the plan? She's putting it together with her friends? Yeah, friends, family, the whole kit and caboodle. What's a good gift for a baby shower? Because you just, you had one. Help me out here. Mark, cover your ears. Okay, for the dad or for her?
Starting point is 00:39:21 For the baby. Is there a registry? I don't know. Probably. A coat baby. Their registry? I don't know, probably. A coat hanger. I mean, honestly, probably something from the registry. Yeah. Sure. And then a shit ton of burp cloths. Just burp cloths. Burp cloths.
Starting point is 00:39:37 Oh, burp. Burp cloths. Just for Mark, out of the pod. Or honestly, I would say, like real talk, just bring them food a couple days after the baby's born Yeah, or something for the house. We bought it. We got a house Oh, yeah, no house like that I mean like a gift card you get so many gifts that you have to fucking unwrap that have things on them that you can't You just I should get you a gift card to a place. It doesn't exist anymore
Starting point is 00:40:02 Video fuck with borders? Radio shop? Dude, I got you a hundred dollar gift card to the Wiz. But all the dude wants is the Wiz! Enjoy trying to find it. Once I had a kid, I realized like China one, fair and square, you're just Chinese trash all day long. It's all you're doing is ordering Chinese trash, you're going to start to get paranoid about it, and because it's just China, China, China, and you're're what were you eating? What's that? No, I'm Chinese stuff stuff
Starting point is 00:40:29 Toys and the socks and the thing in the bottle, but everything's made in China made in China And you're so tired you start being like like dude. I did this stuffed animals are the eyeballs cameras Can you just look like you start getting like dude China is everywhere and you're like live-streaming your baby on all these like apps And you're just like John where's this footage going Like I got like in a deep wormhole about China and all the baby products. How ironic is they kill theirs? All right, but I will say. By the way, the products they send over here,
Starting point is 00:40:54 like I think that's kind of the intention too. You're like, don't put that in your mouth, oh my God. We heard the theory about like on TikTok over there, it's like all productive shit and then over here, it's like a dude in a car, like, let me see which sandwich is better, you know? And by the way, TikTok, aren't they not allowed to watch TikTok that's just silly?
Starting point is 00:41:11 It's all like achievement based. No, it's science. Yeah. And they only are allowed three hours a day. And they invented the fucking thing. Yeah, but the irony is like, yeah, we're becoming worthless. But like these influencers that are like testing food on there are making millions.
Starting point is 00:41:22 Millions. So they might be thinking they're getting us, but these dudes are fucking killing it. Good point, helping the economy. Yeah. But I will say, pregnant wife, she is like a gung ho, she's getting everything together because she's in mom mode. So she's like fixing shit, she's yelling at contractors, she's killing it. Love it, dude, because that nesting comes in.
Starting point is 00:41:41 Yes. Ooh, I loved being pregnant. Really? I was like, love pregnant. Really? Really? But you seem like someone who would, like I remember seeing Rosebud and how angry she would get pregnant. The problem is Rosebud became as wide as she was tall.
Starting point is 00:41:52 I mean, being like small, like she's such a tank, she's so strong, but like that baby, I mean the baby is taller than her now. I mean, like you see Minho is like, you know, so, and she, I induced at 39 weeks, which you can do. What does that mean? Because after 39 weeks, the baby's organs are all cooked, you know? Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:42:11 And it sounds like I'm an adrenochrome, but the organs are all ready, so they're just gaining weight after that. And I really wanted to do it vaginally for a bunch of reasons. So I induced at 39 weeks, so. I'm a big fan of doing it vaginally. Yeah. Better than butt sex. So many holes to choose from.
Starting point is 00:42:27 And so Rosebud let it go. I was like, go induce. But she had the baby. Remember when there was those gnarly floods in New York City? Yes. Like her water broke and then the city flooded. But like, she like just went to the hospital and finally they would induce.
Starting point is 00:42:41 Yamanika's water broke too. Yeah. That is such a trip. Yeah, big trip, but you're out of the hard part. They say the first six months is the hardest. Of baby. When you're a comic and you've flown a middle seat on Southwest for as long as we have,
Starting point is 00:42:58 a baby is not that big of a problem. Come on. I mean it's not. The crying and the. That's how I feel about the robe, but that's not how I, giving birth seems like a like a more in the no sleep. You're on drugs. I mean you're not doing like a home Yeah, but you're always on drugs. You know it's so funny people say that you've never taken a drug on stage You know what I've definitely got on stage. Maybe after smoking a little weed, but never a pill my no
Starting point is 00:43:22 I don't really love that people think I take like pills. I've only taken pills. I mean, I've done it. I'm not doing it like I'm just- No, no, no. I don't do it because I'm too afraid that I'd be better. Mm. If I'm-
Starting point is 00:43:32 You're not gonna be better. You think you're gonna be better on drugs? You can only go up. You know that people, I mean, yeah, would probably chill me out a little bit. I'm so manic, but like- I've done a muscle relaxer on stage. Oh, I've never done that. If it's a late show and I'm fucking like 40 in and I have a whiskey and oh and I'm like
Starting point is 00:43:50 I want to go yeah, and I want to go to sleep after I'm like fuck it boom What do you say to the audience? I say muscle relaxer and it gets a laugh usually and then I just fucking Dude, I don't I remember do you ever have things that like stuck with you and changed your life forever? But it was just a tiny thing that you saw there was a YouTube video of a comic I'm just not gonna name of you want to find a comic who was I think On something on stage and he repeated the same joke he had already told yeah, we've all done that you've done that I've done that but well on TV. I it was like a YouTube. I might have been from like a club or something Oh, okay, but he was hammered you can guess who it is. Yeah, and I just was like a YouTube, it might have been from like a clob or something. Oh, okay. But he was hammered.
Starting point is 00:44:25 You can guess who it is. Yeah, and I just was like, that's my nightmare. Uh-huh. Cover your mouth, say who it is. Oh, I did see that. And I just remember going like, if I ever do that, I will blow my head off. Like that's just, that's my nightmare of like cringe. And then like, I love Nick Schwartz and he just was in Aspen or wherever in Colorado
Starting point is 00:44:47 and took something to altitude. Like that's my nightmare, you know? So I just, I've never done a drama. Yeah, but Nick took it well. I mean, he was funny and it's just fun. Of course he was. I love him. But the altitude dude does fucking get you in Colorado.
Starting point is 00:44:59 So no, it's funny. Oh, it does. Like you have a few beers there and you're like, oh yeah, oh yeah. Well, I definitely, during the pandemic, like weed had just become legal in California. We were in the pandemic. I. Oh, it does. Like you have a few beers there and you're like, oh shit. Oh yeah. Well, I definitely, during the pandemic, like weed had just become legal in California. We were in the pandemic. I was like, fuck it.
Starting point is 00:45:09 Like I never smoke weed. I was always the nerd that like never did anything because I came from an alcoholic home. I always had to be the sober person. So by the time the pandemic rolled around, I was like, I'm gonna have blue hair and like just do edibles. I think the first time we met I was fully like on edibles.
Starting point is 00:45:21 And I was like, fuck it. And then, you know, let's make podcasts interesting. Why not? That was wild. No one wants to hear us talk about our first ad was like, fuck it. And then, you know, let's make podcasts interesting. Why not? No one wants to hear us talk about our depression all the time. Like, you know what I mean? It's like, just let me be ridiculous. You know? I also like, I like just having fun.
Starting point is 00:45:38 I mean, like, look, there's a place, there's a time and place for those conversations, but like it's fun. I love coming on here and just being fucking, just having a silly time. The for those conversations, but like, it's fun. I love coming on here and just being fucking, just having a silly time. Yeah. The person working in the Amazon warehouse,
Starting point is 00:45:48 listening to us talk about how hard our lives are, it's like, put a bullet in our heads. So I was just like, we're in the pandemic, we're all doing podcasts, we're all losing our minds. And so that's when I was really doing like edibles. Yeah, why not? It's the pandemic. And smoking weed.
Starting point is 00:46:01 Do you ever have a panic attack on that shit? Cause I freak out on edibles. I can handle like none of it. You can smoke weed. I can smoke, but I don't love it. I take edibles to sleep. But even- You take like THC or no?
Starting point is 00:46:14 A little bit. I'll take like a nibble off of a gummy and then I'll sleep like a baby. But if I stay up too late and I get high, I hate it. I just like it cause it puts me to bed cause I'm gonna wake up eight times a night, but the edible will keep me asleep. But if I don't fall asleep and I'm just high in my apartment,
Starting point is 00:46:30 I'm like, I got to lock the door eight times, I got to turn my phone off. I'm paranoid as hell. I can't enjoy it. Do you ever smoke weed? Rarely, rarely. I think smoking is better if you're going to do it, because you can kind of control how much.
Starting point is 00:46:42 Edibles, you have to wait for them to digest yeah I'm always like did it hit it's not it's not hitting it's never gonna okay so I'll take another one because I don't think it's hitting and then so like yeah being on edible sometimes convinces me the edible didn't work right then I need to take another one. You never know like Adderall? Any of that stuff? Adderall is good stuff. I was prescribed five milligrams of time release Adderall to sleep. To sleep? Well, if you... I've never heard of that. If you try... I was prescribed blue chew every day just to do the pod.
Starting point is 00:47:14 Oh, by the way, I have to tell you a blue chew story. If you actually, I guess, have ADD, it calms you down. So I think most people take Adderall to like have a jolt like I already have a manic personality. I don't know I have horrible ADD though and it helps me focus is what it does. I think ADD is just you're smart and you get bored easily. I'm not and I do. You are smart as shit. How dare you. This guy's being a Woody Allen fan. You're not like his movies. I've never. By the way about movies we gotta ask you something. Let's fight.
Starting point is 00:47:45 Jonah Feingold, what do you think? Love Jonah. All right! What do you mean? Jonah, I was in a movie with Jonah. I know, he was talking about you. Oh, he's Woody Allen without the whole pedophile part. All right!
Starting point is 00:47:55 That was my favorite part. Yeah. Damn it. But wait, so you're working with Jonah Feingold? We're trying to work with him. What, was he 11? We love Jonah. Jonah Feingold, he directed a movie
Starting point is 00:48:04 that I did on Paramount Plus at midnight, that one right there. Yes. Oh wow, at midnight. He is so awesome, and he is just a brilliant director. Really? It looks like he might be, if we can make this movie that Mark and I wrote. He's fantastic.
Starting point is 00:48:20 He might be behind the cams. Yes, he's so awesome. Cannot recommend him more strongly. I love it. He is like, it's very rare that you have a director that knows, like let him go. You've got good hair. He's a hunk.
Starting point is 00:48:35 Dude, he's awesome. All right, all right. He's like who Woody Allen thinks he is, sorry. Come on. Do you hate Woody Allen? I don't hate Woody Allen, but are you telling me? I just stuttered, that's how sad that made me. I know, I know. Do you hate Woody? We're never gonna speak again. I know you don't hate Woody Allen, but are you telling me I just stuttered that's how sad that Do you hate what it speak again? I know you're gonna hate me for like can I just ask you a real question sure I
Starting point is 00:48:53 Know his movies are Prolific blue jasmine. I think is excellent sure dice and that's amazing Yeah, it's the performances the directors don't do the performance his strength writes him his strengths is casting he writes Okay, but it's the strength is casting what He writes the movie. Okay, but the strength is casting. What? Have you seen Annie Hall? Have you seen Manhattan? Annie Hall, the one where a woman is mentally retarded and can't get a sentence out? Like, his idea of how women is like, She's flustered! By him?
Starting point is 00:49:20 By him? Well, he's a famous writer. By him? He's a comic. That's true, he does blow himself up. I am so not the person who's like- Hand in Her Sisters is a masterpiece. We were just watching one recently though, fuck. You know what, we were watching one recently.
Starting point is 00:49:34 Crimes and Misdemeanors is unbelievable. Unbelievable, Hand in Her Sisters is unbelievable. Sure, sure. I just- Bullets Over Broadway's incredible. Yes. My point is, do you, have you really laughed out loud? Yes.
Starting point is 00:49:47 Take the money and run, it's hilarious. It's hilarious. I haven't seen that one. I say this having seen like two of them. No, no, no, we're talking after this about this, but we were just watching Deconstructing Harry because it's on Amazon and we just threw it on. Him making out with Elizabeth's shoe made me a little angry.
Starting point is 00:50:01 It's a little weird. I was like, I wouldn't have the confidence to do that if we were the same age. Right, right, right. This guy's like the most nebushy motherfucker. That's true, that's a good point. Of course he's, I just am like, you're making these movies so you can be around these hot chicks,
Starting point is 00:50:15 and that's what it feels like to be around hot chicks. Well guess what, he's making good movies to be around hot chicks. Totally, and that's what a lot of the best work, probably a lot of the best inventions, were to do tricks. Like good, it drives shit. I just, I don't like when men are like weak, A lot of the best work, probably a lot of the best inventions were good tricks. Like, good, it drives shit. I don't like when men are weak and they're like, look how weak I am.
Starting point is 00:50:31 I can't pick up a lot. I'm scared of lobster. Pull up Orson Welles' quote on Woody Allen. I will say it, but he started that. Because he's saying the same shit. I hate that shit. He invented that whole genre. I hate that shit.
Starting point is 00:50:39 I hate that, like, I'm allergic to everything and I can't have dairy. Listen to this, listen to this. I never could stand, wait, no, that's, I hate that, like I'm allergic to everything and I can't have dairy. Listen to this, listen to this. I never could stand, wait no, that's, I hate Woody Allen, I dislike that kind of man, but just get the full quote, because it's a funny quote. Henry Jaglim's in that. No, no, no, Orson Welles. Oh yeah.
Starting point is 00:50:54 Woody Allen is a funny quote. You don't want Orson Welles saying that about you, holy shit. Yeah, can you imagine? Because you know that guy's fucking, yeah, can you make it bigger or no? But yeah, Woody, come on, the movies are great. Alright there we go I hate Woody Allen I dislike that kind of man I can hardly bear to talk to him he has that Chaplin
Starting point is 00:51:13 disease the particular combination of arrogance and timidity sets my teeth on edge he's arrogant he writes he's not arrogant he's arrogant like all that's why I pulled it up like all people with timid personalities, his arrogance is unlimited. Anyone who speaks quietly and shrivels up in company is unbelievably arrogant. He acts shy, but he's not. He's scared, he hates himself, and he loves himself.
Starting point is 00:51:34 A very tense situation. It's people like me who have to carry on and pretend to be modest. I love Worshen Wells. To me, it's a- Gangster thug. That's pretty clever. To me, it's the most embarrassing thing in the world.
Starting point is 00:51:45 A man who presents himself at his worst to get laughs. That's it. In order to free himself from his hangups. Everything he does on the screen is therapy. Wow. Because you know why? Being a director. He's kind of right though about the therapy.
Starting point is 00:51:56 But being a director, you're incredibly dominant, you're in charge of people. I don't fucking buy that you're this guy. I don't buy that you hate yourself. I don't buy that you're like,. I don't buy that you hate yourself. I don't buy that you're like Hey, you can't have it both doing it to like make women pity you so you can fuck women out of your league And I don't like that's like his game and he worked I hate that shit Yeah, cuz that's how like creeps function. They're like who me right like he would never do it You know what I'm saying? And I'm not saying he's a creep I just mean I'm not talking about no I know you're saying stuff with the daughter and any of that shit
Starting point is 00:52:23 That's why I hadn't pulled that though cuz what you said like is the exact same thing There is something about that type of guy like aw shocks and that guy's the rapist Yes, too weak to rape. I don't yeah Rape an adult woman Well remember that bill burr too weak to rape a dry bar comedy special Remember that bill burr rant about hipster comics He's like, oh, they're all awkward and weird. He's like no, you're just you're all And you don't have the balls to be yourself and you get to me. I don't have a trust fund you
Starting point is 00:52:55 You're telling me you're insecure. That's the only thing I don't like when someone's pretending to be something They're not because it's like it's insulting to the intelligence of people that are like, I don't fucking buy this So you drive five movies a year and you have 500 employees and you're weak and shy Yeah, it's a smart really I hear you. I'm really oh you're some of his later movies Oh, he's he is kind of like an asshole like in a movie like deconstructing Harry He so he's kind of become that asshole, right? I'm gonna be honest. I say all this having seen and I've seen I mean match point is like masterfully done You just said you love two of his movies though blue Jasmine is incredible
Starting point is 00:53:29 Yeah, but it's like to me It's like the casting is always genius and I when everyone's falling for this like like this everyone wants to get picked I feel like everybody Woody Allen movie because they don't want to be the person that wasn't asked by Woody Allen and he'd like perfectly Thing where we're all recreating our childhood circumstances where we're like, I have to get picked. Yeah, yeah, that's definitely true. I feel like he's like the most popular guy in school somehow and we're all like, want his opinion.
Starting point is 00:53:52 Well, his old movies were great. Did you read his book? Without Feathers? No, no, the new one. I love it. He goes on and on about like how he's canceled now and he has to live in France, but he's like, all these guys are full of shit.
Starting point is 00:54:03 Timothée Chalamet blew me all day, he loves me, but on screen, on the news, he has to live in France but he's like all these guys are full of shit Timothée Chalamet blew me all day he loves me but on on screen at the on the news he has to be like oh I denounce Woody Allen I should have never worked with him he's like that guy's full of shit he comes clean on everything it's a great wow check it out I'm sorry he did marry his daughter stepdaughter yeah she was Asian that didn't help that was too soon nobody I don't think you heard Wayne Fetterman's joke is that Woody Allen's my hero all these years and still married to the same daughter when did he meet her at what age he was very it's he groomed her it's disgusting even if it is discussed even if it wasn't his daughter
Starting point is 00:54:45 Marrying someone you knew since they were five is weird, but he made an honest woman out of her and he's still with her Yeah, I mean that's it. I love that. I love the thing of like as long as you marry her. It's fine I'm with her was America. Okay, let her know thing right like she she fucked the student And then once she got out of prison they ended up together Yeah, yeah, and then she died Oh out of prison, they ended up together and then she died. Karma got her. I don't know, maybe this is a very hot take. I just think he's like, I think other people are good too.
Starting point is 00:55:14 And I think that there's a New York or Stockholm syndrome with him. There's no doubting that. And this is something really weird, it's a small thing. I don't understand why every woman in his movies has to dress like Jane Goodall. Like Emma Stone is in like tacky. That's true.
Starting point is 00:55:30 Why is like Scarlett Johansson in this Christie Barcelona, they're all in like Abercrombie, like do you have a deal with J.Crew? Like why can't they, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's a good point. They're all in like beige. That's a good movie too though for you Christina. That's another good one.
Starting point is 00:55:43 Barcelona, he's like how do I make Charlotte Johansson and Phil I'm sending you a couple though after that you're gonna you are gonna like Hannah's sister I'm just saying so is bullets over brought I probably enjoy it all if there wasn't all this drama around it I think there's a certain point where if you're gonna make magic movie magic get your personal life in order Okay, but how many how many people if we look back, are problematic? You can't... Every single one of them. Marlon Brando did some fucked up shit. I don't even believe he's problematic.
Starting point is 00:56:09 William Polanski did some fucked up shit. You don't tell me Chinatown is not a great movie. You know what he is for it. You can't diminish the work of a hundred something people or more on a movie. My thing is Woody Allen is sloppy. Sloppy? You're fucking sloppy, dude.
Starting point is 00:56:23 What do you mean? With the kid fucking? Just all of it. What are we talking about?. What do you mean, with the kid fucking? Just all of it. What are we talking, what part? The movie making or the diddling? All of it. All of it. I don't even know if he did diddle,
Starting point is 00:56:30 it's all up in the air. If you're gonna do that, the movies have to be flawless, I guess that's my point. If you're gonna marry a daughter, Some were. You gotta be cute. No one was more prolific, I mean no one. That's true.
Starting point is 00:56:40 There's some turds out there for sure. Yeah, no, there's some bad ones, but guess what? There's a shitload of really good movies. Something's just fishy about that guy. Well, obviously. Yeah. Yeah, I mean. Something's fishy about a lot of megastar Hollywood people.
Starting point is 00:56:56 When your ex-wife makes a documentary about you, take a good hard look at yourself. I'm not saying any of it's true, I don't know. How would I know? Well, she seems kooky, but. Of course. They both lie for a living living there you go. They're both profession. They win awards for pretending I mean tell me you're telling me Tom Cruise isn't kooky There's some kooky fucking megastar I can do this isn't kooky. Oh, I could do this all day long with everyone, but yeah
Starting point is 00:57:20 Yes, we just have to be talking about what he Allen Nicholas Cage isn't kooky Throw me any but yeah, I'll do this alright Alright, well let me just say, speaking of turds, we'll bring them back to comedy. Ari at Skankfest. You just admitted that Woody Allen's not comedy. You agree with me. Oh, sorry. But Ari at Skankfest got naked on a show and took a shit on stage. No.
Starting point is 00:57:41 And then took a note out of his turd and it said, I'm doing a Netflix special. So put that in your pipe and queef on it. Did it read? Could you read it? He read it. Yeah, it's pretty gross. I mean it was a big, Did he have to YouTube how to shit
Starting point is 00:57:59 to make it not destroy a piece of paper properly? Probably. Probably. That's a sad YouTube Shit on command he had it locked and loaded must have laxative himself or something Yeah, and he was fully nude while shitting. It's really an unpleasant image on yeah, right? Yeah, but that's that's God bless I'm already what the fuck I know Like I love you, but why right a joke? Did just make me forget about the Kobe tweet for a minute
Starting point is 00:58:30 He's trying to change the association shit on this. Yes bloody shit I'm really at this point. He's like doing the stand-up It's like you're announcing a special just do the shit then at this point. I know I know Honestly look it takes a lot to cut through the clutter these days. That's true. I mean, if it gets you in the algorithm, cut to me next year giving birth and everything.
Starting point is 00:58:50 I mean, did it work? Wait, let's see how many views this got. The baby's holding a Hulu flag. Before we make fun of this, let you see. It's original way to announce a special, I guess. You know what, Peaky Blinders did the same thing. Kelly and Murphy, shit out, season six. Obsessed.
Starting point is 00:59:10 I mean, I'm so bummed that I missed it this year. Was it wild? It was a wild, fun time. It was really fun. I heard next year might be New Orleans. That's what I heard too, which I think is a bad idea. Not the best comedy city. I love New Orleans to death, but comedy-wise,
Starting point is 00:59:24 Vegas is pretty damn good. The partying will be great, but the shows. It's fun to be able to go from venue, like walk around. Exactly. But Skank Fest has become a destination thing, right? So maybe it works. That's true, that's true, because I don't think everyone's from Vegas, obviously.
Starting point is 00:59:38 They're flying in, so. That's a transient city. I mean, Vegas has like become one of my favorite comedy cities. Me too. Really? Yeah, because the locals are great. Mondays if you do like a, like I was working on New Material
Starting point is 00:59:50 and I did the cellar in Vegas, still there? Yeah. Yeah, Monday, Tuesday, Monday and Tuesday the Vegas folk, the carnies are off. Sure, got it. So the dancers and the stripper, they come, waitresses, they come Mondays and Tuesdays and they're awesome.
Starting point is 01:00:04 Interesting. Yeah It's good to do Monday Tuesday Vegas Vegas can be cool when you get the right crowd I mean like last few times I've been there been great And you know what else and I think we're all kind of like this like we're all like comedy dorks like I was talking I just hired managers and I haven't had manager in a while and I was like I want like a Vegas residency Whoa, I do I totally just became a mother. This is child abuse. I said I like the city I don't love it come on. I just mean like remember when we started I don't know I was always just like like on my vision board or whatever dorky thing
Starting point is 01:00:36 I was doing when I like want to be a comic like there wasn't all this I want a Netflix specials like I want to like you've made it if you can like sell out in Vegas That's true. Yeah, I want to be special, I was like, you've made it if you can sell out in Vegas. That's true. Yeah. I wanna be care-boss. You either made it. I don't know. You either made it or shit has gone really south. Yeah, totally.
Starting point is 01:00:51 Yes, yes. But remember Frank Caliendo did that? Who were the last big people, like magicians? Whenever Frank pops up like. Yeah, Dunham. Dunham. Frank will pop up on my Instagram sometimes and it's just like how to do an impression
Starting point is 01:01:04 and I watch it every time. Oh yeah. Oh, it's like his instruction? Yeah, and it's just like how to do an impression, and I watch it every time. Oh yeah. Oh, it's like as instruction? Yeah, but it's amazing. Really? He's a great impressionist. He is good. He's like, be gifted.
Starting point is 01:01:12 Like what? How do you be a genius? Like doing impressions is hard. Yeah. Wow, yeah, Carrot Top has been there for years. Imagine doing a show every night, not worrying about promoting it. That's true.
Starting point is 01:01:24 Tapeface beat me on AGT, he's amazing. He's big. He is fucking phenomenal. Can you explain Tapeface? Eddie Griffin. It's chaplain-esque. It's like very much- Why did he steal how I have sex? He's a chaplain guy, he puts his tape over his face. Yeah, there's no speaking,
Starting point is 01:01:38 it's all acting out crazy shit. And it's truly amazing. He's an Edinburgh guy, like he's Scottish maybe? Yeah, I met him the morning after, he hadn't spoken until then. You're gonna not click on Zombie Burlesque? What, is your dick just got too hard? What happened? Come on!
Starting point is 01:01:53 Zombie Burlesque, that's sick. Nice. Burlesque with audience participation, we're all, I dated a blue man once. No way! He was a stand, he was a backup. One of them is a fan of yours, he was at your show. A blue man once. No way. So he was a stand, he was a backup. One of them is a fan. Really? He was at your show.
Starting point is 01:02:06 A blue man? One of the blue men is that you're, he's friends with Ruby, I think, cause I met one of them the other day. Which one did he date? He was a backup of one of them. Well, still it's a person of color. Yeah, and he-
Starting point is 01:02:15 Ah, sorry. After you, yeah, yes. Wait, who's that? Oh, what's that? It's David Cross. Did he get blue balls? Not with me, baby. But I did look like a homeless avatar after.
Starting point is 01:02:28 People say you're fun in the sack. I've heard. From who? I've heard that. Mark. That's a compliment. That's a pfft. Right? But wait, who would you know
Starting point is 01:02:39 that has been in the sack with me? Don't act like these are secrets. Name a name. Well, Pablo Francis. Yeah. Who? He did Keanu Reeves into a vagina. I haven't dated comics.
Starting point is 01:02:53 Oh, well, we're not talking about dating. I haven't slept with comics. You never slept with a comic? Never. Wow. Well, there's one who's like a comic actor and does stand up. Who? I'm not doing this. Okay. Well, that's one who's a comic actor and does stand up who I'm not doing this okay? Well, that's who said it
Starting point is 01:03:09 That's not what I said to him. I said I am definitely doing this Dave Coulier Like it's I mean he's gonna fuck you that was pretty cool. It was blowing him in a movie theater I would give him a shot. Yeah, I'm right.? You were like, should I get a C-section? He's like, cut it out. So who told you about my fair? I got an abortion. You got it, dude. What was the other one?
Starting point is 01:03:38 Have mercy. Oh, have mercy. Oh, that was Stamos. Who told you that? Well, I'll tell you later. Really? Yeah, yeah. I don't wanna say it on here. I don't want you outed. There that? Well, I'll tell you later. Really? Yeah, yeah. I don't wanna say it on here.
Starting point is 01:03:47 I don't want you outed. There's something about, I don't know, some Darwinian instinct where it was like, comics instantly feels like, like it would feel like incest or something. Smart move. Yeah. Don't do it.
Starting point is 01:03:57 That's why everyone thought I was gay for the longest time. Well, bye. Bye? No, I did try to be gay for a minute. It didn't take. It's just that the men in LA are so effeminate at this point. It's like dating a woman. How hard did did try to be gay for a minute. It didn't take. It's just that like the men in L.A. are so effeminate at this point. It's like dating a woman. How hard is that you can do? Pretty hard.
Starting point is 01:04:10 Really? I mean, I dated a girl for a while. Like, you know. Well, you know, the divorce rate for lesbians is like 80 percent. No way. Because no one takes the shit. You know, like I've got this designer guy at our new house. You need Ari Shafir, he'll take a shit. Yeah, well him and the wife are going at it and he's like, I will not be talked to this way. And I'm like, oh, you've never argued with a woman.
Starting point is 01:04:34 This is the first time you've had to deal with a lady. And she's like calling him out on bullshit and she remembers everything he said from 20 years ago. And it's pretty fun to watch. And he's like flustered. He's like, I never said that. And she's like, I got the fun to watch. And he's like, flustered. He's like, I never said that. And she's like, I got the text right here. And he's like, well, how dare you?
Starting point is 01:04:49 I'll be, all this. And I'm like, welcome to ladies. I'm like, like embarrassingly straight. Like my guy is like, is his like, he'll have like a hair coming out of a mole on his back. And I'm like, like, I'm like, whew, it's what I love it. That's funny. My wife's the same way. I had a unibrow going, which I didn't notice.
Starting point is 01:05:07 She was like, that's hot. I'm like, this hot? Holy sh, I didn't notice. I didn't even know I had it. She was like, I like that you don't even know that you're gross. So yeah, you ladies, you're interesting. Yeah, women like when a guy is not too kept, right?
Starting point is 01:05:24 I don't think it's all women all men. I think it's when it's the right person. When it's the wrong person, you're like, you should wax your chest. You should, and it's like, no, we just shouldn't be together. This isn't right. Oh, interesting. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 01:05:36 When you're trying to change someone in any capacity, it's just not the right person. Interesting. He had a wax chester. Yeah, yeah, a girl asked me to shape my chest in college and I did it like a fucking idiot. I saw the picture once and I was like, oh, I hate myself.
Starting point is 01:05:47 Yeah. Why would a woman, she's gay. She, I don't know what that, or a pedophile. I don't know what she is. Right. She actually got thrown out of my show at the Madison Square Garden Theater. Yeah, okay, see.
Starting point is 01:05:58 Okay, see, good town. See. That's the one. See, there's something crazy about me. She was the one. But it but it's also it's like you guys aren't allowed to make us Do things we don't want to do. Why do we get to make you shave your chest like that? What oh talk? Oh, I had a choice and I was like fuck it. I'll do it. Why not? And now I but I was a kid I look like you're so clearly a stubble guy. Yeah, that's gonna be so uncomfortable She's gonna have nipple burn. Yeah. I just assume you do missionary, that was rude.
Starting point is 01:06:25 I'm sorry. I'm boring. Yeah, she's gonna have a bloody forehead trying to blow you. I don't know, I'm big on I want you as is. As is. Best way that you think she ever blew me. And if I wanna change you, then it's like, we're just not a match.
Starting point is 01:06:41 Yeah. You know what I mean? Right, that makes sense, I like that. But you're right, like if I'm like, hey, take that off little lady, you know, that's offensive. But if when I walk out of the house in like a leather vest, she's like, take that off. And I'm like, you got it. I love in your, like your impression of,
Starting point is 01:06:54 you're like, you walk up. How are you doing? I can't ask. Like you're such a, like you're just doing river dance down the street. We look like a gay magic duo in Vegas. Yeah, we do. We look like lion tam magic duo in Vegas. Yeah, we do. We look like lion tamers or something.
Starting point is 01:07:07 Where are you on, so you've been married, what, two years? Yeah, almost. In November, right? I remember that shit. So what starts happening? Because it seems like you're doing more whoopee. Well. Damn it.
Starting point is 01:07:22 Oh, shit. Oh, was Ari on the podcast? By the way, who cleans up the shit? That's a great question. You clean up Ari's shit? Oh, it's Gangfest, you mean. I don't know, they got some interns out there. And it's just so...
Starting point is 01:07:34 God, what a fucking... That guy's gonna have a... That's a Joker-like origin story. Yes. Oh, because you know when it's like strippers, like all the dollar bills are on the ground and then at the end the song's over and you have to watch her pick them up Like someone had to clean up that shit. Yeah, that's true. I didn't think about that Well, we're trying to get our nutrition on point
Starting point is 01:07:53 We don't always want to be bugging our gym rat friends with questions Lumen lets you have your own metabolic coach right in your pocket the Lumen device measures your metabolism through your breath The app will let you know if you're burning mostly fat or carbs and gives you advice to help improve your nutrition, your workouts, your sleep. We need sleep help. And even your stress level.
Starting point is 01:08:14 Yeah, this stuff is really cool, man. I think you should give it a shot. We all need to be a little more fit, a little more healthy, especially if you're pounding the bodega cat. Yeah. And when you're drinking, let's be honest, you're not eating that well either. This stuff's easy to use.
Starting point is 01:08:28 Just breathe into the device like a breathalyzer when the cops pull you over. First thing in the morning and after your workouts and meals, Lumen will give you an idea of what's going on with your body in real time. So if you want to take the next step in improving your health, go to lumen.me.drunk to get 15% off your lumen.me slash drunk to get 15% off your lumen. That's L-U-M-E-N dot M-E slash drunk for 15% off your purchase. Thank you lumen for sponsoring today's episode. Hey folks, we might be drugged as brought to you by Cal-She. Think you know who will win the presidential election or how many seats the Democrats or Republicans
Starting point is 01:09:04 will win in Congress? Want to put some money on it? Today's the sponsor, Cal-She. You can do it. It's the first legal exchange available in all 50 states where you can bet on any event, including the election. Cal-She has markets on who will win the presidential election, Rotten Tomatoes score of Gladiator 2, how many launches will SpaceX have this year? This is unbelievable. I love betting on random shit.
Starting point is 01:09:30 You never know. Get on it. I gotta bet on if my wife orgasms and bad margins. Not looking good. It's like buying stocks. I like that money right there. That sounds good. It's like buying stocks. I like that money right there. That sounds good. Good money. Right now Trump and Kamala are trading at about 50-50 meaning if you place a bet on either you'll double your money. If they end up winning, Cal-She has already
Starting point is 01:09:56 facilitated over one billion worth of trades. Put your money where your mouth is, sign up using our link, calci.com slash drunks with an S. And the first 500 traders who deposit 100 bucks will get a free $20 credit. Hey. So click the link in the show notes for 20 bucks in free credits. Act fast. It's only good for the first 500 listeners. That's K-A-L-S-H-I.com slash drunks. Kelcey, you can trade on that?
Starting point is 01:10:30 Did they do like a fucking hose or something? It's awful. There were hose there. I love Skank Fest. I loved the fans at Skank Fest. It was a beautiful thing. The fans are great. They get a bad rep.
Starting point is 01:10:43 I did two days. I got to get in, get out because the evil comes get a bad rep. I did two days, I gotta get in, get out, because the evil comes out of you. Two nights or two days? Both. Yeah. And they do sock wrestling all day. Yamanica and Doug Stanhope went at it in a sock wrestle
Starting point is 01:10:56 in a boxing ring in the middle of the fest. What is sock wrestling? Sock wrestling is two people go at it and they have to pull each other's socks off. Whoever gets both socks off first wins. And it gets wild. Why this? Because it's so fun to watch and it's...
Starting point is 01:11:11 Can they do anything? You can do anything. There's no rules. That's amazing. I've never even heard that. Who won? Yamanika destroyed him. Of course. Because Doug Stanhope's like rotten fruit. He's soft and, you know, he's...
Starting point is 01:11:22 That was a white sock. And, yeah, I got it. It's also that she would have the strength to beat a 60-year-old alcoholic comedian. He's soft and you know, he's there. That was a white sock and She would have the strength to beat a 60 year old alcoholic comedian, I love Doug Stanhope He's how have we never had him on here. He just did are you garbage? What the fuck? How do we miss him? Is he still in town? He would do it. I'm sure Arizona like He's in New York right now right now. Yeah, I hit him up I love it on a podcast when people are like, you know who we should have on?
Starting point is 01:11:46 Sorry, sorry. I know, but you brought him up, I'm like, I'm mad he's never been on. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. He's like one that's like. He's an alcoholic. It'd be perfect. I was rude, Whitney.
Starting point is 01:11:55 You are one of the best guys. No, I feel horrible. I was, Chris Cole was supposed to come with me, my guy. I know it would have been better with Chris, but he should come on. No, you're great. He's dead weight. He should come on alone. Okay. No, you're great. He's dead weight. He should come on alone.
Starting point is 01:12:06 Okay. You know what I mean? He's so funny. We had a great moment because you went to the bathroom and Mark was FaceTiming him and Mark's like, ah, you were here, but it's fine. Whitney's chatty and instead of laughing, he goes, I love her stories. And I was like, oh, God damn it.
Starting point is 01:12:19 Oh. They're in love. Mark's joke's just fucking. And I laughed at it. He probably thought I was in the room. Good point, good point. No, I'm so in love. It's sick. Oh really?
Starting point is 01:12:32 You think you'll get married to him? Yeah. Whoa! Wow. I think so. Holy shit. You heard it first. Yeah, yeah I think so. All right. I'm glad you didn't become a skateboarder though,
Starting point is 01:12:43 because it is not a game on the body dude No, it's you destroyed your insides and your brain with comedy, but yes showing your outsides. That'll get you I did Tony Hawk's podcast and just walking around. He's like Jack Skellington. Yes Those balloons in a car dealer yeah Since he sounds like an old printer and shit dial-up Oh, he sits he sounds like an old printer It's like dial-up. Yeah, yeah, but he's yeah. No, I'm super in love It's it's I had no idea the similarities between saying bananas like so many and us crazy. It's an individual thing It's it's scary. You got to go. You got to take chances. You go to do the road. Yes
Starting point is 01:13:20 You do the road your friends with all the other skaters you're to you get something and you try it and you try it and you Try it until you get it right. The perception, the perfectionism brain is so wild. There's a lot of addiction. And if you miss, you're kinda fucked. Yeah. It's either- It's like they're hurting themselves physically,
Starting point is 01:13:35 we're hurting ourselves emotionally. It's kinda like, you know, it's all about style too. Yes. Everyone has a different style and they're all kind of competing, but since their styles are different, you're also kind of not. Right, right. In a way.
Starting point is 01:13:48 Exactly. And I've like, I don't know, like there's like a humility. Like I haven't met a ton of skaters. It's kind of wild because I was like... Wild. I can't date a comic but it's really hard to date people that don't understand what we do, you know what I mean? You got the next best thing and these athletic, you know, comics are all a bunch of pudgy
Starting point is 01:14:03 weirdos. You got like a hot athletic gritty Skateboard I also like to the skating fest of it all skate fans are so cool. Oh, yeah, they come up to him They're so gracious. They're so like humble. They're so like, you know, yes, it's very humble There's not a lot of confidence. No one's in the game in the comments like, you suck. Right. It requires so much failure. Yes. That'll humble you. Nailed it.
Starting point is 01:14:28 That's exactly, and the precision, if you're an iota off, that's like us. If you're a second off, a second is the difference between an applause break and a, you know, some innovation, you know, same thing with them. There's no room for error. Pull up the Seinfeld quote on skateboarding. Even Seinfeld likes skateboarding.
Starting point is 01:14:44 What? Which I, no one saw that coming. No. But yeah. Seinfeld said to learn to do a skateboard trick, many times you've got to get something wrong until you get it right and you hurt yourself, you learn to do that trick, now you get a life lesson.
Starting point is 01:14:58 Whenever I see those kids skateboarding, I think those kids are gonna be all right. Ah, that's great, I love that. That's cool. Which is funny, because when I was skating, all these old men would be like get out of here you punk piece of shit Get a job get a haircut you loser, and I'm like this is hard Busting my ass. You know the Serena Williams or those William sister Their dad used to pay people to go down and yell racist stuff at them while they were practicing
Starting point is 01:15:23 Yeah, that Best money ever made. I did it for free. And I like, love that. Is that right? Mm-hmm. Wow, that's crazy. That was not a complete. That seems a little unnecessary.
Starting point is 01:15:37 Give it a goog, I don't know. Give it a goog. They're winners, they're champions. Adversity's good. I'd love to talk to these guys who got paid for that. Let's see how they're doing. The end was like, you could have just said try harder. I would have gotten it.
Starting point is 01:15:47 But also skateboarders, a lot of them don't have dads. A lot of them didn't have really family around and they sort of find their own chosen family. Well pre-internet, growing up in the 80s and 90s, it was like, this board, you bought it for 50 bucks and it was all day. You skateboard, you drink out of a a hose somewhere you skateboard for another three hours You buy a Mountain Dew you skateboard maybe get a slice of pizza, and then you go home
Starting point is 01:16:13 Yeah, I was the whole day didn't you started in New Orleans Yeah, yeah, and we'd film each other and all that and it was great. It was great time it is weird because it's like I think it was Kevin Christie a good friend of mine comic in in LA who actually used to make stickers for toy machine. Whoa Genius artist he made a board for Billy Marx like he's awesome. So he him and Chris are homies and Why am I losing my train of thought not because I took a drug before the show Oh because he said I was like, you know when you're skateboarder, like they look at, he drives by like a staircase. Yes, yes.
Starting point is 01:16:47 Walks by like a pole or like a- Or ledges. And they look at them like, you would look like a woman's ass or something. Yeah. He'd literally be like this, and I'm like, who is she? And he's like, this, this, we gotta come back to this whatever staircase.
Starting point is 01:16:58 And it was funny because Kevin was like, oh, his job's illegal, you know what I mean? That's true. Like he walks past, like if you see like a bench, like a concrete bench. You know what I mean? That's true. He walks past, if you see a bench, like a concrete bench, it'll have little knobs on it to stop skateboarders from losing it. He'll be like, motherfuckers. But he knows how to take them off,
Starting point is 01:17:13 and put them back on. Oh, shit. And then I was sort of like, is it a red flag that my guy spends all day at a high school that his kids don't go to? Do you know what I mean? Because a lot of it is done at high schools. Like Wallenberg is I think it is done at high schools,
Starting point is 01:17:25 like Wallenberg is I think the back of a high school. Yeah it is, somewhere in LA. But yeah. No it's in San Francisco. Oh sorry, sorry. But it's all California these days. But it's the same with them, with like, all right we gotta skate here
Starting point is 01:17:42 until the security guard shows up. That's like us with saying retard. We'll say retard so we can say it. Then we'll stop saying it when the people yelled us and then we'll go back. But that's why it's so sad when comics get mad at other comics. Cause you're like, imagine a skateboarder going,
Starting point is 01:17:57 hey, you can skate here, that's inappropriate. And you're like, you're one of us, you fucking homo, what are you doing? Perfectly put. But I don't think any good comics do that. That's true. The same way good skateboard And you're like, you're one of us, you fucking homo, what are you doing? Perfectly put, but I don't think any good comics do that. That's true. The same way good skateboarders would be like, don't do that, because I can't do it.
Starting point is 01:18:11 Right. You're too focused on your own shit. Yeah. You don't have the time for that. Don't you think there was always comics that did that? Like remember, didn't Bill Cosby call up Eddie Murphy and say you're too dirty or something? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:18:24 We all know Cosby was sort of the true north of morality. Yeah. But I just mean like when you're telling other people to behave better, you're just revealing yourself. Whenever someone's like, you shouldn't make jokes about this, I'm like, what are you up to? Yeah. You need to like be self-righteous openly.
Starting point is 01:18:40 I'm literally at the point, if anyone is like pious or self-righteous openly and like what comes off perfect, I'm like, show me the tunnels in your house. Like even at this point, I'm like at the point if anyone is like pious or self-righteous openly and like comes off perfect, I'm like show me the tunnels in your house. Like even at this point I'm like, Cherie. We didn't have to get anti-Semitic here. No, Diddy had tunnels too. Diddy had tunnels too.
Starting point is 01:18:55 And the moss. That went to the, oh yeah, that went to Hugh Hefner's house maybe. Is that right? Dude, Jaguar Wright is my spirit animal, I'm not allowed to say that. Jaguar Wright used to sing for, dude back in the day, it's so crazy.
Starting point is 01:19:09 So she sang for the Roots, she's been in a bunch of bands, but back in the day, when gorgeous singers couldn't sing that well, they would get other people to sing their lyrics, like truth about cats and dogs, but music, and then they would get paid 500 bucks to sing the lyrics, and then they get some like hot girl to pretend they were singing it. I think Jennifer Lopez did this quite a bit apparently.
Starting point is 01:19:29 And so Jaguar- Can they do this in the LL Cool J song doing it? Maybe. Yeah, I think so. And so she's one that used to do that and she's been saying like diddy's a sex shopper, diddy's a sex shop and everyone's like, she's crazy, she's jealous, she's been saying this for like years
Starting point is 01:19:43 and she's on TikTok and she's out there just naming them, naming them. Whoa! Jaguar Wright, W-R-I-G-A-T, she just went on Piers Morgan and was like, allegedly, allegedly, allegedly, said, Jay-Z put Aaliyah on a faulty plane on purpose. Oh!
Starting point is 01:20:02 She rejected, I don't know, allegedly, I don't know. Whoa! Jaguar's a cool name. Wow, that's what you took from that? Yeah. That's all I got. Oh, wow. The liquor's hidden.
Starting point is 01:20:16 Oh, is that her? All right. Like she, I mean, she might, I mean, she will be dead any minute, so. Oh boy. Listen to it while you can. She's just saying it. She's been saying all this about Diddy for years and everyone's like she's crazy.
Starting point is 01:20:28 Really? Yup. Yup. I wonder if Epstein is, I wonder if he'll commit suicide. She's saying like Clive Davis allegedly. Do you think he's gonna get off before this shit goes to trial because too many powerful people are at play here or what? No I think, I mean here's what I love about murderers.
Starting point is 01:20:49 Go ahead. Murderers in prison kill pedophiles. That's true. They're like, no, we kill adults. We don't. There's a code. You know what I'm saying? Like there's a video of this guy who had life in prison.
Starting point is 01:21:02 He had like long hair and he killed a guy in prison who was in for pedophilia or you know, whatever, and the judge is like, did you kill this man? He's like, yes I did, I'm glad I did, you know, like he did whatever he did, and they're like, how did you do it? And he was like, I grabbed a, you know, whatever it was, a cord, put it around his neck,
Starting point is 01:21:18 held it, made sure he suffered for long enough, like he talks, it like gives you goosebumps because it's obviously this, you know. Did you kill this man? Because we just found out through DNA that he is innocent. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And so yeah, that child was a filthy lying home. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:21:36 But like in prison, you don't last long. Mm mm. If you're rich, he might just get fucked to death. I don't know. Damn. But I don't think, I think that. Well he is gay. I think he's too much of a, I don't know. I don't think he's gonna kill him.
Starting point is 01:21:52 I think he's like a weak person, is probably gonna snitch. Because he has tapes of all this stuff too apparently. 120 people just came out with. If you're doing something that shady and there's a camera, isn't a party like, maybe I should do this Do you think they knew there was a camera? I maybe I don't know
Starting point is 01:22:07 Yeah, I haven't seen it so I don't know and there was like all these people deleted all their tweets and stuff like this This is like Jennifer Lopez dated him like this could be crazy Yeah, this could be crazy be wild but also like The music business is so disgusting. Yeah, but that fist fight in the hotel hallway, to me, says it all. That alone is a thing. And there's something to be said for the fact that she held on that for so long.
Starting point is 01:22:31 So my guess, don't you think she probably was like, I've got this, I'll name some stuff, I saw some stuff, but like, you know what I mean? She's probably been trying to. And now who the white man. Who? Cassie. Who, who's she with? Kevin Spacey, she turned to her ass.
Starting point is 01:22:51 I love that he's like back. Oh, he's back, baby. Good for him. You know what's crazy? I told you the Chaz Pullman Terry story, right? Maybe. You were out of town, I was supposed to go to Chaz Pullman Terry's one man show.
Starting point is 01:23:01 Oh yeah. Because he did our part, he's the man, he's awesome. He's the man and the only person that can be named Chad and it's cool. Chad, sorry. Well anyway, I was supposed to go to the one man show. I was so pumped to go and I got pretty sick
Starting point is 01:23:12 and I had fully loaded the next morning. I was like, if I don't rest up, it's gonna be a long weekend. So I text him like, I'm so sorry. I can't, I'm just feeling pretty rough, but I really wanna see it. And he was like, I totally understand. I see Mike Lavin, homelesseless Pimp, at the airport.
Starting point is 01:23:26 The best. Who, you know, directed the show. Yeah. And I see him in the LaGuardia Lounge, and he goes, dude, it's like the hotel joke. You shoulda hung out, man. I'm like, fuck, what happened? He goes, Kevin Spacey came through.
Starting point is 01:23:39 He goes, we had dinner with him all night. We got drunk. What? He was the man. All I'm thinking is like, What? All I'm thinking was if I got there, I would have got him on this pod somehow. Oh, I would love to have him. By the way, I love that when people get canceled, we're like, you're welcome here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jeremy Piven, come, come, come.
Starting point is 01:23:55 Louis, get in here. The water's warm. Come on over here. I just feel like the Kevin Spacey up of this would be fucking epic. I mean, Stormy Dangles did stand up for 10 minutes, you know? Stop, and we're like, come on over here, girl. We're like, quit stand up, come on the pod. But also, Kevin Spacey, the thing that's shady about it is two of his accusers just died or committed suicide.
Starting point is 01:24:17 Is that right? Sorry to laugh. It feels a lot like House of Cards. I know, it's a little bit like, are you researching a role, dude? Yeah, if you look up Kevin Spacey accuser is dead, two of them are dead, and he's like very tight with the Clintons, who like, if you ever worked for the Clintons, you just all of a sudden have a bullet wound in your head and you hung yourself, like, huh? The Clintons are the closest it comes to like Russians. Allegedly.
Starting point is 01:24:38 Where someone just says like, yeah, a gunshot. Bill Clinton is Teflon. Everything slides off of a guy. What is that? Yeah, he even came back from the DNC, I was I was like what the fuck I thought this guy was in trouble Wild It's the island You can't get mad at Trump for what he did and celebrate Clinton The painting of him in Epstein's house where he's like dressed as a woman you only do that
Starting point is 01:24:57 if you're like besties Pull it up By the way I didn't even know about that What? Oh it's a beauty Okay you gotta jump on my chain with Rogan. I got to get you. Let's get a tech thread started, the three of us.
Starting point is 01:25:08 Yeah, totally. So this was in Epstein's house. Wow. And actually, a friend of mine is a journalist, and I have the picture of the guy that posed for this, which is really cool. No way. Yeah, let me see.
Starting point is 01:25:17 And now he's an Olympic swimmer. Yeah, this is on the transphobic list of Halloween costumes. Maybe I'll wear this for Halloween. Me as Bill Clinton. That's really funny, actually. It's a little niche, but somebody will get it. Just Sam Tripoli. Ba-da! Okay, whoa.
Starting point is 01:25:36 Okay, this is a photo of the person that posed for the painting. Whoa! Is that Ross Bennett? I wanted to print that out for Joe's studio. Jesus Christ. Whoa. That kind of well. Was that Ross Bennett? I wanted to print that out for Joe's studio. Jesus Christ. Wow. Paul Dano, if things didn't work out. Whew.
Starting point is 01:25:51 Is that Joe List? All right. I hate your guys. Look at the hairy list, or hairy legs. Man. Tight. So like, I don't know, and like, all the chefs are dead. Yeah. Is it two Clinton chefs that are dead? Yeah, and an Obama chef. And an Obama Yeah. Is it two Clinton chefs that are dead? Yeah, and an Obama chef.
Starting point is 01:26:06 And an Obama chef. No, well he drowned in an intermoderator. Yeah, wow. I'm sorry, it's not funny. There was the mom. All right. The mom of that chef came out and like said they were having an affair or something allegedly.
Starting point is 01:26:19 Oh, interesting. All these photos of him with Epstein were just, I think there's something. Well, it's else Trump to I mean So you know bar for someone just is so low that yeah, you're like Well, Clinton was the classic example of a guy who got away with shit Just he was accused of rape or do to do to charm that he got away with it for so long that kind of slow southern Accent. Oh, yeah, and and just knowing how to game people. I mean he just knew how to fucking crush people.
Starting point is 01:26:46 They're all, you even, you have to be a psychopath or a sociopath to even run for office at this point. Yeah. Right? They're all just. Well look at the options we have. Sick. Yeah, it's not good. Oh I will say the Walls, what's it, JD Vance debate
Starting point is 01:27:02 was actually kind of professional. It was nice to see like it was like a debate We need to get back to what made this country great Straight like tomorrow straight up. It's just kind of nice man a little fucking very nice. Just Steve. Yes Oh, you know what? I'm into um anal net I love for net you like for now. I'm super into for net little after dinner drink I feel nice. I was performing somewhere one night. I was just like hanging out the bartender
Starting point is 01:27:32 I think a lot of people forget that like we spend a lot of time in like kitchens the belly We are the hell I mean we are the you know so whenever I'm like hanging out with a bartender like a venue or something between shows I love that sure I had a sore throat one night, and he was like, have a shot of this, and I was like, this looks scary, and I'm like addicted, I love it. It's good.
Starting point is 01:27:51 Whenever I feel like I'm getting sick or like I'll do a shot of Frenette. Frenette. It does feel very medicinal. It does. Italian, right? It's gotta be. It's gotta be, I don't know.
Starting point is 01:28:00 I think black folk have really captured it. Oh, is that so? Oh, in Chicago, this is all they drink. Really? That and Cavassier and Hennessy. And Malort. And Malort, that's what I'm thinking of, Malort, sorry. Cold 45?
Starting point is 01:28:13 Malort is fucking, that is rough. I don't like, that's what I was thinking you were talking about. Oh no, Malort would fuck your ass up. I don't even know what that is. It's a Chicago staple. What happened to Fireball? Is that still another thing?
Starting point is 01:28:25 Every white woman who drank it died, I think. Why are we putting cinnamon in our whiskey? Unless Bodega Cat does a cinnamon whiskey addition in case, you know, I say it's a good idea. What do you do, what do you think about this like new wave of like a can that's a pre-made margarita? I think they do that, don't they? If it's done right, it's called a ready to drink.
Starting point is 01:28:46 Yeah. RTDs, yeah, look, we're gonna do that with Bodega Cat. We're gonna do like, Manhattan's boulevardiers, paper planes, we're gonna do little cans. I love that shit when you're on like a flight and they have those little tip top whatever. Yeah. Already made, yeah.
Starting point is 01:29:01 I love that shit. Now speaking of. When you're lazy, just pour it over ice, you're good. Speaking of Keiran the Throat, what was Haktua like? Is she cool? She seems fun. She's blown up, huh? Oh, she's blown.
Starting point is 01:29:14 Honestly, I knew everyone was gonna make fun of me. Like for how I grew up, I was like, dude, there is something to be said for- For spitting on a penis? Is this sound? She's got it. Like relentless, excuse me, There is something to be said for- For spittin' on a penis? She's got it. Like relentless, excuse me, relentless authenticity. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:29:32 Honestly, she is funny, she's hilarious. Really? I asked her what her hobby was, like what do you do for fun, and she said I love seafood. I was like, I love seafood seafood and then didn't list anymore. That was it. And I was like, you're kind of a genius.
Starting point is 01:29:50 I'll be honest, that's one of my favorite hobbies. I love seafood. Dude, she's not, cause like even people are like, I'm just being authentic right now. And they will say like a rehearsed thing, you know, on Instagram or TikTok or whatever. She's so grateful to be successful. Yes, yes.
Starting point is 01:30:06 She was working in a spring factory when this happened. No. With her grandmother. And also something that's so refreshing about her is that like this whole thing where all white women are like traumatized and it's like so hard for them to like get through the day and they're fragile and delicate. But also we should be equals in president,
Starting point is 01:30:22 but also we like can't get through the day, especially if you like look at me weird and I need to work from home, and I need a mental health day. She lives with her grandmother, and I was like, oh, what does your mom think of all this? She's like, my mom's a crackhead. Wow. Wow.
Starting point is 01:30:35 I don't talk to her, and I was like, oh, well, is that hard for you at all? She's like, no, I'm a crackbaby. It made me funny. I live with my grandmother. Oh. Like next. And it wasn't like a white woman just going on. I love that.
Starting point is 01:30:44 I was like, this is- That's a great point. This is real trauma. And I'm like, next. And it wasn't like a white woman just going on. I was like, I was like, this is. That's a great point. This is real trauma. Yes, and she's fine. Yes, and instead of hearing someone blow me about their fake trauma. Yes. They're triggered by like someone saying
Starting point is 01:30:56 Merry Christmas in the office or whatever bullshit. Sing it sister. There was something just so, also like, you know, look, I'm like half from Virginia, Texas. And like, we hate people from, Hollywood hates people from the South. They think they're dumb. It's part of the reason I wanna work on Roseanne,
Starting point is 01:31:11 because the main thing, I asked Roseanne Barr before I did the show, I said, what is the thesis of the show? Why did you wanna make this? And she's like, it's so important to people that, it's so important to me that people know just because we're poor doesn't mean we're stupid. And I like love that. Do you know what I mean? And so we're we like Hollywood hates poor people.
Starting point is 01:31:31 They think they're dumb. They think they're backwards. It's like wild. I mean, the office, I love the office, but it is making fun of poor people. Is that right? It's like wouldn't it be funny if people worked in a paper mill and like went to Chili's? Like that's I don't know. That's a but it's a hit. So relatable. Chili's. Like that's the- I don't know if that's a point in the office though. But it's a hit, it's so relatable. It's a bunch of rich people from Harvard going like these idiots that work in a paper mill. Do you know what I mean?
Starting point is 01:31:52 It's kind of like- But then you can say the same with the Simpsons because they're Harvard writers, but are they making fun of Homer and Mark? Yeah, I mean, yes. I think it's just like the idea of like everyone that works in a middle America job. I don't know, it just,
Starting point is 01:32:04 that always kind of felt like that to me. Right. It felt a little bit like that to me. Like, like they go to Chili's. Like you just picture the writer's room being like, they should go to Chili's. Like that's hilarious. You're like, some people go to Chili's.
Starting point is 01:32:14 That's true. That's where they eat dinner. Yeah. Most of America. You know, what if he has a PT Cruiser? Right. Loser. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 01:32:21 Well, I mean, look at Nate Margatze, Theo. These guys really resonate, you know, because of shit like that, and that's most of the people. You go on the road and people just wanna hear jokes. If you're like, I have anxiety, people in Kalamazoo are like, shut the fuck up. Tell me a dick joke. Or tell me a great anxiety joke.
Starting point is 01:32:37 Don't just fucking tell me your problems. I didn't come here to forget my problems by just listening to your problems. You have anxiety, I don't have health insurance. Right, or teeth listening to your problems. Exactly. You have anxiety? I don't have health insurance. Or teeth. Yeah, I just lost my arm in a tractor accident. Yes.
Starting point is 01:32:50 So it's like she's most people. Yeah, right. And so I think it also was just like someone, it came to this for people, like this whole thing of like representation on screen. We need like a half Indian trans Thai. It's like that's not most, this is most people. Well, that's why all that shit's failing like Disney's all they're all really losing I don't know I
Starting point is 01:33:08 kind of love the new show on peacock half-Indian trans lazy ladyboy it's a good show sorry I couldn't get that out I'm a little fucking out of it did you I should have eaten before this yeah I she's just like a why not and I also found something fascinating about the fact that she just like didn't ask for this. Yeah, that's true. She was just like going out drinking and there's something why. Although how great would that be if this was somehow a plant?
Starting point is 01:33:32 If somehow they fucking got us? There is something weird about it. And then slowly she's like, She's so cute. She's sliding shit out that's like CIA. Yeah, it's too natural. Hock-to-a, like you couldn't come out, you know who's mad about it is the guy who filmed it
Starting point is 01:33:46 He's like wait, can I get some love and No, no, dude, the guy that filled it this mother. He made so much. Oh, he did Oh, yeah, I made started making merch. She DM'd and she was like, hey, can you take this down? Like I have a job like he got so big off of it and she was drunk during it So it's like you're not allowed to like have sex with a girl while she's drunk But you can like make her famous without her Finally a girl's got a wild positive story She didn't show her tits
Starting point is 01:34:10 She just talked about how she sucked dick and now she's the number four podcast But if I know of itunes you're this famous for doing that like people see me in the airport They're like tell me a joke. What do you say when you see her like? Yeah, like how does that work? What do you what do you get out of it? There's a grandma and a granddaughter like, hactua, it's her, she's the hactua. Haven't we always had this though? I'm kind of obsessed when something like this happens.
Starting point is 01:34:33 We're like, this isn't the first time this has happened. Like, remember Ken Bone? Ken Bone. No. Oh, yeah, I do remember a little though. Yeah, he was at one of the debates or something. Yeah, like someone that you can sign up. Oh yeah, he was a meme for 10 minutes.
Starting point is 01:34:47 But also this is another thing that it's like, I hate having to say this, but comics, we're not the only people that are funny. That's true. We work harder, we craft jokes, we take it seriously as a job, but when you see memes now and you're like, someone that works at H&R Block, who made that?
Starting point is 01:35:03 Yeah, they were funny. They do steal a lot of our jokes, but like... That's true. The fuck Jerry feed and a bunch of the feed's just... No, but I know what you mean. Sometimes you just meet people, you know, who like have no aspirations to be a comic. Like I was just in Ireland and every fucking person who stopped me on the street, I'm like, why is this dude funnier than me?
Starting point is 01:35:19 What the fuck? So funny. Like I ran into so many people just walking around like Dublin or Belfast. Oh yeah. I fucking love it There's something about like repressed Catholicism. Yes laughs too. It's like it's the same shit in like Ireland Is it is so in like Boston? Yes, we like these dudes are just fucking funny I know but they're not trying to stand up. They're like, no, it's just for my friend. I'm just fucking but I'm busting chops It's like that type of energy
Starting point is 01:35:43 But my Twitter feed is all people are like like all the comedians are like we gotta stop racism But then all the randos are like just zinging about the other one about this Mexican Yeah, they're great nailed it cuz that's also my thing when someone's like you can't make that joke I'm like comedy is for people whose lives are hard and they need a break. Yeah need a coping that yeah This wasn't for you. Congratulations. Comedy's for everybody. Comedy's for everybody. I know, but I mean, I'm so glad that your life
Starting point is 01:36:08 is going so well that your biggest problem today is a joke I tweeted. I know, I know. I'm so happy for you. Agreed. This isn't for you. I remember when Bill Byrd did SNL, he had that whole SNL monologue and it got all this hate.
Starting point is 01:36:21 And you tweeted, if you don't like this, maybe comedy just isn't for you. Like, it's a funny monologue I was like I liked your tweet I well you know it's bill burr like for fuck's sake like he's not just one of the best one the best ever and he's uh and he put so much fucking work into it of course it was great have you ever gone into a restaurant and read the menu and you didn't want to order something? You're like, I'm allergic to lobster
Starting point is 01:36:48 and been like, I'm fucking out of here. I know, it's very strange. You know what I mean? It's like, that one wasn't for you. Yes. But by the way, I didn't say, hey, we should close down this restaurant because I'm not really into the menu.
Starting point is 01:36:58 I was like, you know what? I just, nothing really resonated. Right. But you don't get angry. You're right, it's a very strange. You don't go to a store and go like, I wouldn't wear that shirt, that's ugly, I'm not buying anything, fuck, burn it down, like what?
Starting point is 01:37:09 Yeah, it's very dictator-y behavior, it's actually quite Trumpian, who they claim to hate. Do we do that with anything though? I'm always kinda like, if I get angry about something, I'm like, do I see myself, do I do this? Well just cause you get angry by something doesn't mean that you do it, I mean. I do it with like kids.
Starting point is 01:37:25 I don't think kids should be famous. Like I have like a hot take. I don't think kids should be entertainers. So I do think that when I see like a I'm only like that with like shows with kids. Oh really? It does seem like it fucks them up 90% of the time. Look but what's the thing that we have, we do that with? Do you know what I mean?
Starting point is 01:37:47 Service animals maybe. When we're like, the peacock? Do we need a service peacock? Oh, we do make fun of that quite a bit. Are people doing that to us? Right. For our jokes, I don't know. That's interesting, but I'm not calling for them
Starting point is 01:37:57 to take their heads and cut that out. I'm just like, ah, that's a silly. You can keep your job. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? But what are the things that we have are picky and like self-righteous. What annoys me?
Starting point is 01:38:08 Or that we're like. I don't know, I have peeves. I got peeves too. I've got peeves all the time, let's see what I got. Oh, we're doing pet peeves? I forgot about that. Oh yeah, well I got enough for all of us
Starting point is 01:38:15 because I haven't seen one. Well, okay, this is a fucking peeve. I got one. This is probably such a. Line cutters. Oh, that's a. This happened, so I landed. I landed.
Starting point is 01:38:23 Cutters, fine. On a red eye, a red eye to London and no sleep. You landed Heathrow Airport you know it's just like that fucking setup where you have to get on the elevator to get downstairs. There's like that everyone's lined up everyone's just like fuck so we wait in line this woman tries to cut in and my girlfriend's psychotic. She fucking boxes her Yeah, she boxes her out. You mean awesome? I know but I mean but this where she's psychotic No, that was cool. And then and another woman she goes no
Starting point is 01:38:55 But you get in and she like box her out for another person to get in because they were online and then we get in And the woman goes, oh really? Oh really? And then you know, she just said back Nice try. Oh, and she goes she goes Oh oh really, oh really? And then, you know, she just said back, nice try. And she goes, oh, an American, of course. And she says back, bye sweetie. And the door's shut and I was like, we just got here. You couldn't let us have like a fucking 10 minutes in London before we get to the fun. She was right with the bye bye sweetie. I was like, girlfriend's side. We do. She was right with the bye bye sweetie.
Starting point is 01:39:25 I'm sorry. That's badass. Dude, we left you for a reason. Your leaders are inbred. You have mascots that run your country. I'm not doing this. Yes. You may or may not have killed Kate Middleton.
Starting point is 01:39:37 Probably killed Princess Diana. You know what I mean? What are we doing? You're all like Paddington beer. I hear it's a great movie, by the way. I heard Paddington beer was flawless, from what I mean? Like, what are we doing? You're all like Paddington Bear. Ah! I hear it's a great movie, by the way. I heard Paddington Bear was flawless, from what I've heard. I've never seen it, but people are like, that's the greatest movie ever.
Starting point is 01:39:51 All right, well we're done with the pedophilia talk. But when someone does that, they're like, my time's more important than yours. I know. Yes, yes. The line cutters piss me the fuck off. Or you're bad at time management. It's like, I gotta catch a flight.
Starting point is 01:40:04 It's like, no, we're all at the airport. We're all, we're all. I always get annoyed when the person is like, I gotta make my flight and they cut the line. And you're just like, you know, I do too, but I just woke up earlier than you. Yes, exactly. I left early, like we all had to do this.
Starting point is 01:40:19 Although dude, I did my fucking, I haven't gone international in a while, and my global entry ran out like a week and a half ago, and I was like fucking kill me. So you know, that was a pain in the ass. So you had to go with the general pop? General pop on the way back, where you're like, when you're used to the global entry,
Starting point is 01:40:36 but it's like at the first world. But I also think this is a good thing. I think that comics start to suck when they stop doing the things everybody does. I agree. I flew back from Skankfest, middle seat, because I forgot to book my flight, middle seat in the back.
Starting point is 01:40:51 Good. Brutal, I felt like Rosa Parks. Did you get recognized? Of course, hey, comedy, comedy, how you doing? You're not sitting there, are you? I'm like, ah, I'm shooting a sketch. Yeah. Brutal.
Starting point is 01:41:04 Speaking of airports, what's going on with the bins? They got rid of the bins. What bins? The bins in the security line. So they're like, hey, take all your shit out and put it in the bag. Put it in your bag. I'm like, my bag is airtight. If I open that thing, it's going to spring out with dildos and shrooms. It's all bullshit. You want me to put loose change for my pockets and my keys in my bag It's the bag is done that bag. I had to sit on it to pack it to zip it No bins, so I'm just like going through I have to put all my shit my coat take the coat off put that in the belt Have you seen this the no bins is unacceptable. I love a bin. Let me put my shit in a bin I want a bin the bins annoy me though
Starting point is 01:41:42 There are some bins too and you take it and they go automatic and sometimes the person behind I hate that their bin goes first. Yeah, are we not America bin Laden? It's a nightmare have you been on a plane yet where someone tries to answer a facetime oh I have seen that that should be the whole plot of soul. I had a guy with that. Yeah, dude I was on a plane. I'd rather be on one of the 9-eleven flights you heard it I'll land in five hours bro I'll see you soon I literally hear it ring he picks it up the end three rows behind him three rows in front of him we all just went no no like like we are united as a country over this thing.
Starting point is 01:42:26 It is actually really fun. We're all like, nah, dude, absolutely not. Yes. We would not stop. Like I'm with you. I love that we've all agreed we're not doing that. All right, here's a peeve. How about this one?
Starting point is 01:42:37 The guy who calls you, you're busy, so you don't answer. You missed the call. And then he texts you, goes, hey, man, just tried you. Yeah, yeah, I know. Now, the phone has alerted me that you called. You don't need to text and go, hey, I just tried you, I avoided you for a reason. You know, like I'm trying to avoid you.
Starting point is 01:42:54 Now you're trying me with a different type of communication. Technology is coming far away, and I still don't care for you. Yes, yes, just because you text now doesn't mean like, oh, I like this guy now. No, no, I still hate you. I I just I missed your call for a reason now you're gonna text me hey hey miss you missed my call yeah I know I love a text before call that I like I need like a two-day heads up how's Wednesday Whitney
Starting point is 01:43:19 yeah all right all right I'll say this about the, I was just so, I was in all the Scandinavian countries, you know, like Norway, Sweden, fucking, Copenhagen, Amsterdam, amazing. Amazing. But it is amazing, you're in like Copenhagen, or, you know, Sweden, or wherever, and like, they all speak great English. I know. It's not their language.
Starting point is 01:43:40 You make sure you know such a piece of shit. I'd walk into a store and they'd be like, blurkin', blurkin', I'd be like, is there a bathroom here? And they'd be like, oh yeah, right over there. And I'm like, you speak English? Cause we're America. It is a great country and everyone understands that. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:43:54 Those are beautiful countries too. Well, it's all white. Dude, when I went to, It's not. When I went to, it literally was Hitler's dream. When you go to Sweden, you're like, I went, when I was in Sweden, my problem there was like, it is a very, whatever that even means,
Starting point is 01:44:09 country progressive, whatever. And I was doing, this was like, I don't know, 10 years ago. Your blackface retards. And I was doing, well, they have the blackface Santa Claus. They loved it. You know, the blackface Santa Claus, they still do in Sweden.
Starting point is 01:44:22 No, I don't know, pull it up. Look up blackface Santa Claus Sweden, I think. Oh, is this Trudeau's Halloween costume? Or just Scandinavia. Scandinavia. Yeah, Black Pete is called. Black Pete. Oh, okay, yeah, so do images.
Starting point is 01:44:36 They call Pete Davidson's cock. Whoa! Yeah, they still do it. Come on! Not a fan. They still do it. That makes me very uncomfortable. This is like a Jordan Peele movie, what the do it come on not a fan Like a Jordan Peele movie what the hell
Starting point is 01:44:54 And so Sweden's gorgeous So it is an incredible country and I was like doing some joke about like, you know Like when a guy hangs up on you and you do and then you call him back and then he hangs up on you And but it was bombing like it was like doing fine in America at the time and finally I was like Why is this bombing? And someone just went, oh, over here men respect women. Oh. And I was like, all right, none of these jokes are gonna work. Wow.
Starting point is 01:45:15 Oh wow, all right, I take it back, I hate Sweden. My godfather's Swedish and I don't know him well, but it's like he's like a very dignified sweet man. Good sign of a godfather. I don't know you that well, never see ya. Well, my mom was a very dignified sweet man. Good sign of a godfather. I don't know you that well. Never see you. Well, my mom was a single mom at the time. So it's so funny that my godfather
Starting point is 01:45:30 was just like much older gay Swedish man who was like very posh. Amazing. My mom was like, he'll raise you. If my mom died, I would have had the most different childhood ever. Oh, that's true. So I remember, I told my mom,
Starting point is 01:45:43 I was like, does Johan want tickets in Sweden, and she goes, I don't think Johan can handle your material, and I was like, yeah, I did just work on a come in the sink chunk. Probably not for the best. You're like a gay guy, I would love that. That is so funny. Damn.
Starting point is 01:45:58 I would've had a very different life. I have a pet peeve. Please. I didn't really prepare for this, but I'm going to stop there. Please. Lay it on me. It's very rare I check my this, but I'm throwing this out there. Please. Lay it on me. It's very rare I check my email, but when I do, when people have like a quote with their
Starting point is 01:46:11 sign off. I hate that. Oh, that's funny. You know what I mean? And it's someone like- I'd rather laugh with the sinners and cry with the saints. Fuck off. It's also just like, no, it's just like trading.
Starting point is 01:46:22 You know what I mean? It's like some email, it's just like, oh, you didn't get that job. And then it's like, don't ask for a light load, ask for a strong back. Why is this Marilyn Monroe? Oh, oh, this is it. It was a Charles Bukowski quote. Oh, no.
Starting point is 01:46:35 By the way, I love Charles Bukowski. Sure, great quotes. You obviously don't know Charles Bukowski. You have a corporate job. He has some good stuff. And there's only a video of him hitting a woman off of a couch. I didn't care for that shit.
Starting point is 01:46:45 Pull it up. That was a rough video. Rough video. Yeah. It was a different time. And she took good care of him too. She's like the reason. Really? She's the reason he made it to like 72.
Starting point is 01:46:53 I know nothing about their relationship. Yeah. Who's filming that? Like how did they get on? I think they were doing a documentary. Oh wow. Which by the way, the fact that he did that shit on camera. True, what's going on behind the scenes?
Starting point is 01:47:06 Although Hollywood is such a funny book. I love that they put an ad in front of this woman beating video. And he was not a looker. No. I think that's part of it. Like did you ever see or read Iceberg Slim's book Pimp? I did not, no.
Starting point is 01:47:21 He talks about like if a woman's out of your league, you have to kind of abuse her for the Stockholm Syndrome or something and Gross he was not a handsome man. He talked about it a lot. He knew oh shit. All right. I kicked her off the couch We've all been there It wasn't like it wasn't like filing. It's just not good. I mean, it's not great, but You know equality she could probably take him at this point of his life though. Oh yeah, he's a mess. God, he's atrocious.
Starting point is 01:47:48 He had the boils on his face when he was young. Ugh. Throw some good shit though. Yeah, yeah, that's some great quotes. Lukowski getting pissed. Have you seen the video of Nick Cage losing his shit for Four Minutes Tray? No.
Starting point is 01:48:01 What? Pull it up, I mean I've seen the- Dude, my friend, so my friend Alex Wolf is an actor and he's in Pig with Nicolas Cage and they're friends and Alex is playing- You have to turn it up. He's playing Leonard Cohen in this movie coming out and it looks- it's awesome. I saw an episode of it. He's amazing as Leonard Cohen, but he's playing me voice messages from Nick Cage and they're just everything you would hope. Whoa. They're made- every message I'm'm like, this guy's the coolest.
Starting point is 01:48:27 Oh, this is acting. You have to turn it up a bit. Oh, this is not real. No, it's just in every movie where he loses his shit. He's a great actor. How many takes do you think he's doing to this shit? Yeah. How many takes you think he's doing to this shit? Yeah This is Tom and Christina
Starting point is 01:49:06 Man I'd say I'm after a bomb. I'm in the same hotel. That was fun. Mark at his new apartment. He's giving us some good entertainment. God bless him. Face off. This I watched this twice a week. By the way if you haven't seen Red Rock West that's a fucking great Nick Cage movie from the 90s. Never heard of it? Underrated. Made by John Dahl who did Last Seduction. Great movie. Have you seen Riding the Bus with my
Starting point is 01:49:39 Sister? What's that? Rosie O'Donnell playing the cardi person? No I haven't but I've seen the clips. We've done the clips on here. We have? Of course. How'd I forget that? Rosie O'Donnell playing the card person? No I haven't, but I've seen the clips. We've done the clips on here. We have? Of course. Oh dude. How'd I forget that? It was early, we might be drunk days. Oh okay, well we drink on this. Black down. Oh I thought that was Jack Black. Alright, now I got it. It's Ralphie Mae. Oh man. How about this one?
Starting point is 01:50:00 I had this happen to me twice at Skankfest. I'm not going to say the comics. You ever tell a joke, no one hears it, How about this one? I had this happen to me twice at Skankfest. I'm not going to say the comics. You ever tell a joke, no one hears it, and then someone repeats the joke and they get a laugh? Oh, I hate that. Oh, that happened twice to me at Skankfest. Hoesman C made a whole career in that shit. Do you think they knew, they heard, they...
Starting point is 01:50:20 I think it was subconscious. Like it slipped because it went under the radar and then they said it It was too it was too convenient. They said it like two seconds later So or two minutes later, but it happened and they got the big pop and you don't be the guy going I just said that that was my line cuz then you look like a psycho I think it to know who only because I mean it doesn't even matter but like I Could never like if I If I heard you say it, I know mark just said this sure sure
Starting point is 01:50:50 I'm always there. I always like to be the book cuz I'm with you I hate like with that and I'm always like no no do you hear what he just said guys say it again Yeah, I also don't like being the say it again person right now. I can't say it again, right? Right, so you don't want to say it again in case they heard it and did yes first time It's tough. It's a tough situation. It's a delicate balance So you don't know what to do, but you're like ain't it got a big laugh So you're like oh that was my thing, but what but also it's like if it got a big laugh Whoever that person was people are so unused to them being
Starting point is 01:51:20 Funny well, you know what I mean? Why did it get such a- Angelica Houston directed that movie? Whoa, no one saw that coming. Angelica Houston, one time I saw her on a plane and she was sitting next to someone who was like a handler or something. I have like Tourette's, I'm just saying people's secrets. And the stewardess brought her food and then she was like, thank you so much. I mean she's Angelica Houston, right? I'm like staring at everything she's doing.
Starting point is 01:51:46 And then the person next to her took the food, got up and said, this is not what she ordered. And I was like, sick. You have someone who's a bitch for you. Yeah, that's smart. So you never have to be a bitch to anybody. Great call. She was so nice and then someone went,
Starting point is 01:52:00 this is not what you fucking ordered. We like did the thing ahead of time. She has a dietary thing. That's genius. Genius. I should do that if you have sex with a lady and you're like, okay, that was great, and then some other guy's like, you gotta get the fuck out.
Starting point is 01:52:15 You're overstaying your welcome, you're a bitch, just a fucking sassy gay guy, fuck you. You're right. I'm not gonna say my pet peeve. Say it! I don't like it to be gendered. The only thing my guy and I fight about. All right, here we go.
Starting point is 01:52:28 It's not even a fight. We're gonna end on this. I'm so in love with him. I have no notes. He's a hunk. Go over. Great head of hair. Look at them pumpkins.
Starting point is 01:52:36 What? Please, I love them. Why the backing, the needing to find the perfect parking spot, it's just like, and backing into the space That's a guy thing. You're not saving time, right? Wait, why not? You're not to back in Oh Me cuz you're not to back out. It's the exact same amount of time
Starting point is 01:52:56 No, you get to pull out straight unlike Dave roll out that is not okay But you know what I mean like Like if you pull in backwards, it takes a little bit longer, but you get to pull out straight and you're good. But you can pull in straight and then back out. That's true, it's probably equidistant. I was just picking what time. Yes.
Starting point is 01:53:16 You know what I mean? Yeah, I guess it's a little bit of a delayed gratification. You know, hey, I'll spend the time backing in, which is a little more of a bitch, but then I get to What do trans people do? What do you mean? Do they back in or do they pull? I don't know. Transportation.
Starting point is 01:53:33 Interesting. Yeah. Yeah, what do trans people do? I don't know. Huh, if they dance who leads? Good question. Pet peeves, pet peeves. How many real trans people you think there are? Good question. Pet peeves, pet peeves. How many real trans people do you think there are? Because some are real and then I think some are on the bandwagon. I don't know what Drake's text message is. Pet peeves, pet peeves. Oh, I had one more.
Starting point is 01:53:57 Oh! Now we gotta go. In general, I'm sure everybody's already said this, but when someone dies, someone who kinda knows them being like, oh, or them going like, ah, he was such a nice guy. Is your way of star fucking after they're dead. Oh, like you knew them? He's such a nice guy means like, oh, so you knew him? Right.
Starting point is 01:54:19 Or the way people write these, like, that's the idea that someone famous dies and the idiot immediately goes to their eye photo, like, where's that photo? Oh, like, it's the idea that someone famous dies and the idiot immediately goes to their iPhone and they're like, where's that photo? Oh yeah, yeah, that is strange. It's like picturing people doing that. Yeah, yeah that is weird. Gotta make it about you somehow.
Starting point is 01:54:34 Yeah, I don't know. Unless it's someone you really were close with. That's true. It is weird. Would you ever tweet or post about your wife that she's your rock? No. Doesn't that feel like they're about to break up? 100%.
Starting point is 01:54:46 Or he's gonna kill her. Yeah. Yeah. I feel the same way with like a dead grandma. People like post this long Facebook thing about their dead grandma. I'm like, just go have this with your family. Unless it's hock two and she fucking raised you.
Starting point is 01:54:57 Wow, that's true, that's true. It's like pity bait or something. Yes, yeah, you're using this for clicks. You want me to feel sorry for you. Yes, I like it. Certain people, I like it. Certain people, I'll take a step further, there's people who are like,
Starting point is 01:55:07 my grandma died 10 years ago today, she would have been 103 today. Well guess what, she had a pretty good life. Yes! 103 is insane. That's crazy. You really expected her to make it that long? That's crazy.
Starting point is 01:55:19 People wanting to be pitied is this weird new trend where someone's like, I have Lyme disease and everyone needs to stop what they're doing. Well, victim is big. Yeah, why would you wanna be known as a victim? It's trendy, I don't know. It's a weird power thing. It'll go away, but you have to cower to the,
Starting point is 01:55:38 if you're a victim, now we all have to go, oh, sorry, now we're on our heels. It's actually quite a good tactic. It's pretty smart. Right, right, right, It's a way to bully people Yeah, so if you go if you're the rock and you're trans he has to go. Oh shit. What was it her? Zeezer fuck now. He's on his heels, so you're winning so there's something sadistic about it. I want to watch you squirm a little bit I don't know about sadistic, but I think it's a power thing
Starting point is 01:56:01 It's there's something to it where like now you've got a famous person or a person who's better than you squirming I had a guest come on who's like a big like YouTube person social media sort of influencer person and I really like her and she talked about having a mental illness and I was like what that's what they do that's another one everyone's bragging about how mentally ill they are Yes, yes, what happens with this goes away and people like I can't hire you bipolar. Oh That's a good point for me to less people hire women I can't hire a woman so I'm gonna get accused of something totally totally and also they never do Mental illnesses that don't make them look like a victim like no one ever goes. Oh, yeah, I'm a narcissist
Starting point is 01:56:43 Oh, I'm a sociopath. That's fun and funny. You know, they never do those mental illnesses. It's always like, I'm autistic, I'm non-binary, or whatever. I'm autistic, but I think it's helped. Like I went to this doctor finally, who's like super awesome, Dr. David Agus. He's like an oncologist.
Starting point is 01:56:58 I was like, look, I'm about to have a kid. I don't know what to do. I went off everything, like birth control and Prozac at the same time, and like, don't do that to do. I went off everything, like birth control and Prozac at the same time and like, don't do that. And was pregnant. And I was like, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't like antidepressants.
Starting point is 01:57:11 If it's for you, great. If it saves your life, great. There's a lot of people in my life I lost that I wish kept taking their antidepressants. But like, I was like, you know, I guess I have OCD, I have ADD. Everybody tells me that I'm like manic and like, and I was like, so what should I do? What should I be on? And he was like, is any of this working for you? Ooh. And I was like, you know what, maybe.
Starting point is 01:57:31 Is he nagging you? Yeah. I was like, maybe it kind of is. It helped me stop pathologizing myself. If you don't like me, that's fine, I'll survive. But I was kind of just like, yeah, maybe some of these are superpowers. I was diagnosed as autistic.
Starting point is 01:57:44 Really? I beat it Like a long time ago when it wasn't like cool or whatever and so I was like Asperger's all that kind of stuff like who I don't I mean, I don't know but there is not a lot of yeah there's not a lot of like I'm dyslexic. Yeah, it's all right But it's also something that is can't prove it's also something something that would wake you off the hook if you're an asshole. Exactly, exactly. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 01:58:07 Mark's got a great new bit about this. Oh, good. Yeah. Now let me ask you this, because we got to wrap up, but we got to get this out in the open. We got Whitney here. Is it true the kid, your child, is from a stalker? No.
Starting point is 01:58:21 Oh, I've been spreading that. Thank you. I'm sorry. Is that... How did that get out there? Reddit has gone amuck. Half the people think it's Brendan Schaub. So, but here's the thing. It is progress that it is someone I met at a show. Okay, okay. You know, is that a stalker? I mean, it's, you know, who's there with friends that were fans? I mean, you know, but that's really funny because like if a guy thinks a woman's funny, he must be like a stalker. Like he must be a psychopath. Well, female comedians have stalkers.
Starting point is 01:58:55 Totally. You guys have more stalkers than we do for sure. Definitely, definitely. I don't know. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I don't, what- We would just fuck them. Yeah, we would just be like, no, this is totally cool.
Starting point is 01:59:04 No, this is- Love what you're doing. The best way to get a stalker to be over you we would just fuck them. Yeah, we were just like no. This is totally cool Oh, yeah, this is love what you're doing soccer to be overused. I'm but I That's wild to me because I think it's just progress that people think it's a human because in the beginning everybody like because I talked about Freezing my eggs or something everyone thought I like fucked a Tesla or something like everyone was like wait is this how did you have? The did you have it in Neuralink? I don't know So it's like the fact that people know that I did it naturally is probably good anyway. But no, he's just younger than me. And so it was just kind of like not like a match.
Starting point is 01:59:31 He's like, and you're younger than me. He's awesome. He's just a fling. In what world would I, white trash till I die. Why would I be with the father of my kid? But you like him. He's fucking awesome. But he's not famous and he's like, you know,
Starting point is 01:59:43 he loves, he's not a famous person. So I just see him all the time. Okay, great. And they see each other all the time. And is he co-parenting? He's amazing, yeah. Oh, great, all right. Oh, he's the best.
Starting point is 01:59:55 He's the best, but I just don't, he's not, he's actually mentally not ill. He doesn't wanna be famous. Oh, great, love it. Was he like, please support? I mean, you said he's a young guy. Was he nervous to have it? Yeah, was it planned or no?
Starting point is 02:00:09 I basically was, my mom was dying and I couldn't cry. And I found, yeah, I found, I mean, I was out of tears on this one. She was in a bed. Both my parents had strokes 10 years ago. I've never met a woman who can't cry, but can come. Yeah. Jesus Christ. For me, it's honestly the opposite.
Starting point is 02:00:24 Same. All right, I was squirting though. Dream woman right here. I'm dying. Holy come. Yeah. For me it's almost the opposite. Jesus Christ, yes, Sam. I was squirting though. Dream woman right here. Holy shit. Yeah, right? Couldn't cry, couldn't stop squirting. And I was like, look, I'm gonna go out birth control, like I was 40, I was like, if it happens, it happens,
Starting point is 02:00:37 if it doesn't, it doesn't, I don't think we're like each other's person. Wow. Good for you. You're so awesome, you know? Like he's like truly the nicest person I've ever met, like the coolest, nicest, like just I just and I was in grief and all that kind of stuff, but I was just like, you know, the pandemic happened, which like stopped all of our lives.
Starting point is 02:00:52 And I was like, I needed to wait for both my parents to die to have a kid. It's a long, super boring, unfunny story. But I was like, let's just try it. Like why not? You know, let's just keep doing what we're doing. But like I'm, I'd rather have a baby with a stranger than use a condom one time. So let's just go for it. Let's just keep doing what we're doing. But I'd rather have a baby with a stranger than use a condom one time. So let's just go for it. I think birth control was making me nuts, dude.
Starting point is 02:01:11 This is not the time, I guess, to be anti-birth control. I'm going to get came for. But it made me insane. Really? I was just like, I got to get off all of this shit. Mood swings, the whole thing. It also fucks up who you're attracted to because it makes you smell pheromones differently
Starting point is 02:01:28 because your body thinks it's pregnant. So women that take birth control are attracted to men with more effeminate faces. Whoa. Yeah. And so they say that if you're on birth control and you get engaged with someone, go off of it for a year to make sure you're still attracted to the person.
Starting point is 02:01:40 Whoa. It's a whole thing. I talked about it in like my- So is this guy effeminate? No, not at all. I went off of it. Yeah, not effeminate. I mean, he likes female comics. He thinks women are funny.
Starting point is 02:01:52 So yeah, he's a flaming. And so, and yeah. And then just like we hung out for another like couple months and he went back to North Carolina and 10 weeks later, I was like, wow, super cool dude. Wow. Okay, we got that out there. The world has been clamoring.
Starting point is 02:02:08 Yeah. I mean, it's Brendan Shaw. I guess I just was like, he was just so cool and, you know, I don't know, I was like, I want to have a kid with you. Wow. Yeah, is that crazy? A little, but hey, it's working out. And you got a couple of bucks, so it's going to be fine.
Starting point is 02:02:23 Yeah, I mean, it's like, of course I would love to have one with someone, the person I'm with, but like that's just not... It's not in the card. It's also like the nuclear family is almost like over. Yeah, it feels like it. It's just there's something fishy about it, because also how do I know if I'm gonna be with someone if I haven't seen them with a kid yet? You know, it's like a whole, my brain is so backwards.
Starting point is 02:02:41 Interesting. I understand that, but no, it's, congrats on the kid and it's awesome. Are you gonna have one? I don't know, something maybe. You have to. You have to. You have to.
Starting point is 02:02:52 You just have to, it's so, I think the- This guy's got an abortion punch card going. What are you getting? He's gonna hit 12. Got a free sandwich. I think he's gonna get a free one? But also my thing, and I know I have to go too, but like, I guess I was losing my mind.
Starting point is 02:03:06 I don't have to tell you guys. Like I was, there's a certain point where as a, maybe it's female comic, I'll just speak for myself. Like, I don't know, like maybe I'm not a narcissist, it turns out. Like I realized like I kinda like myself if I'm not thinking about myself all day. That's healthy.
Starting point is 02:03:24 Dude, it is just me, me, me, me, me, and me, me, me. Now you found something else to live for. When we started, we were just like writing jokes, doing standup, doing whatever other job we had to do for money. Now we're just all day, me, me. Yes. And it's just like, I didn't sign up for me all day.
Starting point is 02:03:38 Hear, hear. I was so fucking sick of myself, I look like a crack whore there, I was so sick of myself, and now to be able to like, you know, well, we want we want more of you on this pocket You're one of the best guys No, this was such a good episode I just try to get out of your guys's way no I had my baby in New York. So child service This is a great episode. Fair.
Starting point is 02:04:05 Whenever you're in New York, come by. And then, yo, we're gonna be on Dr. Phil together in, I think, Arizona in December. Oh, with Adam Ray. Yeah. Hell yeah. All right, that's gonna be a blast. Yeah. All right, I can't wait.
Starting point is 02:04:17 If you had to choose a character from the 90s to come back as for a comedy show, Wendy Williams. Oh, yeah, yeah, she's a kook but like in a million years Adam Ray is dr. Phil huge I might go Ricky Lake funny but yeah all right good stuff who looks a lot like Monica Lewinsky looking back that was a moment for plump pale brunettes oh yeah so where you gonna be we got you in the Paramount theater, we got you in Denver, Salt Lake City, San Diego, Anaheim, Orlando, Jacksonville, Boston,
Starting point is 02:04:49 Ledyard, Connecticut. Atlantic City, Warner, D.C. Whitneycomings.com, folks, go see her live. She's all over the road. Now, do you bring the Rugrat on the road? You go first, because I got mine in my hand. I bring them every now and then. Yeah, I'm still figuring that out.
Starting point is 02:05:04 Nice. Okay, well, I'll mine in my room. I bring them every now and then. Yeah, I'm still figuring that out. Nice. Okay, well I'll be in Fayetteville, Arkansas, Wichita, Kansas, Kalamazoo, Chicago Theater, the Poughkeepsie, Bartevan, Torrington, Connecticut, Charleston, South Carolina, Asheville, NOLA, Wilkes-Barre, Inglewood, Houston, and Phoenix, Arizona, and Dallas, Texas. marknormandcomic.com, punchuplive.mark, slash mark normand, punchuplive, slash sammerill. Where you going to be, Fetty? I got Hilarities November 21 through 23.
Starting point is 02:05:37 And then starting in February, we're going to add some club dates leading up to this. We're starting in February. We're going to get another tour cooking. Hopefully my material gets a little tighter. We got Charlotte, North Carolina, Richmond, Virginia, Philly, Washington, D.C., Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston,
Starting point is 02:05:53 New Orleans, Mark's hometown, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, Durham. Maybe I'll pop by and say what's up to your baby daddy right there. We got New Haven, Connecticut, Providence, Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Portland, Maine, Burlington, Montreal, Toronto, Buffalo, Albany, Columbus, I'm going on forever here, Royal Oak, Grand Rapids, Milwaukee, Madison, Des Moines, blah blah blah, samorail.com. Blah blah blah, I'm afraid of intimacy.
Starting point is 02:06:22 I can't be alone with myself. Stockholm, Sweden. I'll be on the bus, so yeah, this is how afraid I am. I was like, I'll buy a bunch of Blu-rays for the bus. Watch Guy Movie Night on the tour bus. Are you doing it on a tour bus? I'm doing bus the whole fucking run. So 45 cities.
Starting point is 02:06:40 Whoa. On the bus and then we'll do more in the fall. But yeah, punchup.live slash Mark Norman, punchup.live slash Sam Morell. Are you on Punch Up yet, Whitney? I'm trying to be on Punch Up. There's something wrong with me where I just have decided if I'm gonna just fade away and be irrelevant,
Starting point is 02:06:59 I guess that's what's gonna happen. What are you talking about? I'm just trying, but I know there's all these things. Do Punch Up, it's awesome. I just hired a manager who, yeah, they say punch up is amazing because they figure out where all your fans are based on your socials. I need to do that.
Starting point is 02:07:11 All right. Follow us there, see us on tour. Drink Bodega Cat whiskey. DM Bodega Cat whiskey on Instagram. So good, I drank it pregnant. Yeah, the baby's fine. BodegaCatWiskey.com, but if you want in your city, DM Bodega Cat, there's a lot of ways to do it. It's on Instagram, BodegaCatWhiskey.com, but if you want in your city, you know, DM BodegaCat, there's a lot of ways to do it.
Starting point is 02:07:26 It's on Instagram, BodegaCatWhiskey, at BodegaCatWhiskey, and it's a good time, man. It's a good whiskey. Good time, yeah. We're at the strip house, Peter Lugers wants a piece of our shit, apparently. Ooh! Going through over 15 cases a week at the Comedy Cellar. You know you want a piece of this shit.
Starting point is 02:07:41 Where all the comedy clubs are hitting us up. This is gonna be big. The Story, Improv, Laugh Factory, West Coast, East Coast. Miami Improv, Rhode Island Comedy Connection all the comedy clubs are hitting us up. This is going to be big. The Store, Improv, Laugh Factor, West Coast, East Coast. Miami Improv, Rhode Island Comedy Connection, all these clubs are hitting us up. Oh yeah. If you're a comedy club, hit us up. Hilarities, we've got to hit them up. Yes.
Starting point is 02:07:54 We've got to hit up all of them. But we love you guys. Cool, do we have the comedy store? Yes. Oh good. Where's the comedy store? We've got to get, there we go. On that note, Whitney, you're the best.
Starting point is 02:08:03 See us all on tour. Just tried to queef, no doubt. We love you, thanks for listening. All right. Sunday's the day for my next offender. A bit of Piva rec, you know the future's close. I've had a little too much bourbon, and Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope,
Starting point is 02:08:21 and I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's coming, I'm out the fucking pub and I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's comin' And naked Samuel is feelin' dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way If we all get down in the same way We might be true

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.