We Might Be Drunk - Ep 206: Ari & Adrianne

Episode Date: November 18, 2024

The Dark Queen out now on Netflix!  https://www.netflix.com/title/81900915 Episode 206 tonight with Adrienne Iapalucci and Ari Shaffir, such a fun episode. Catch Ari on his farewell tour and Adrienne on tour with Ari and also her new special on Netflix, produced by Ari and Directed by Louis C. K. Support the show and get 20% off your Chubbies order with promo code DRUNK20 at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD WMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ WMBD Clips Page: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Ari Shaffir: https://www.arishaffir.com/ Adrienne Iapalucci: https://www.adrienneiapalucci.com/ Sam Morril: YouTube Channel: @sammorril Instagram: https://instagram.com/sammorril/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: YouTube Channel: @marknormand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand/?hl=en Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets We Might Be Drunk is produced by Gotham Production Studios https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ @GothamProductionStudios Producer Matt Peters: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters/?hl=en   #wemightbedrunk #marknormand #sammorril #podcast #drunkpodcast #comedy #comedian #funny #gothampodcast

Hey, hey folks, here we are. We might be drunk, no winnie, but we got another bitch. All right, we got Adriana Iapolucci, one of our faves. And she's got a new special on Netflix? Yes. What's the name? The Dark Queen. Hey, I like that. I let Ari name it.

Ah. He always called you that. He always called me that I let Ari name it ah He always called you that he always called me that yeah, so it kind of just stuck I was like you're laying out all this money, so I'll let you pay for all of it He laid it all out wow and he was like I was like I hope we sell this otherwise I'm gonna owe you a lot of money. No wonder he's doing pop-up shows for Yankees tickets Special yeah damn pop-up shows for Yankees tickets. Blew it all in your fucking special. Yeah. Damn, wow, good for him, but it paid off. You bet on yourself and it worked. I mean.

Unlike P. Rose. That's true. So you sold it. I mean, can we talk about the odds? Ari's ugly, you're a nobody, Louis producing, these are a lot of strikes against you. Well, Louis, the Louis director produced. Louis directed. Louis Director produced.

Louis Director. Oh sorry. Yeah, it should have been no all across the board. But you pushed through and you won. I was actually shocked. We all were. I mean I'm happy for you. I was very shocked, yeah.

You deserve it though. You have great jokes. There's a joke here I've quoted on the pod numerous times, I'll say it again, the one where your ex-boyfriend threatened to kill himself. Oh, yeah right now. I can't kill myself Oh, yeah, that's a good one. I like that. I love just like a short joke. Yeah, no fat. I love it that the Ted Bundy joke I love oh, I love the The shooter that was a big one. Oh, that's all Ash Wednesday That's on it Ari me Ari wanted me to put it on there,

and I was like, I didn't wanna do it because it's from my album, and he was like, please, and I was like, all right, you are paying for this, so I put it on there. Yeah, well, you get one request. And it did do great. Yeah. Well, correct me if I'm wrong,

that was cut from your Netflix half hour. That was cut from my Netflix degenerates. They asked you not to do it. They told me that joke had to get cut out. Look at that. I was like, can I fight for it? They were like, well, I asked my manager, I was like, can I fight for it? They were like, well, I asked my manager, I was like, can I fight for it?

She was like, no. Damn. I remember this nice one, a joke gets cut though, cause you just, you get it back. I got it back. That's true. That's what happened with my Amazon. They asked me not to use one.

I was like, I get to open with it now. Yeah, good point. My opener's like, you want to hear when they cut? And it gets like a bigger pop, I feel like. They made me cut the first six minutes though. Jesus. First six? The first six minutes got cut.

That's hilarious that your most offensive shit is what you opened with. It's no, that's not the most offensive stuff. That is the stuff that is the nicest and sets the tone because I was like this might go on YouTube. Yeah. And they were like we wanna get to people being upset quicker.

Oh. They didn't say that specifically but they they're like, we just know the algorithm and people will check out. So they're like, cut the first six minutes. So like the first joke is pretty tough. It was too soft for them, so they're like, get rid of it. I think they're just like, you're nobody and if you're nobody and you're doing these jokes

that kind of aren't like, I guess, I don't know. Whatever they say, whatever they think, cause it's like the first joke is about shelter dogs, and then I go right into the Middle East, so they're like, we wanna get to that right away, and I was like, all right. Well this is a good comedy lesson, I feel like you're half hour, you were just Adrian,

this one you're like, I'm the dark queen, so they want the dark shit. Maybe, but I feel like that was also dark. I've seen her work clean. I mean, you did a Letterman set back in the day. Oh yeah. I did, yeah. That's right. I'm not really dirty. It's just dark.

Right. Like I always get lumped in with dirty comics and I'm not super dirty. Yeah, because the half hour you did was the dirty show, right? Well, it was only like 17 minutes. That was just the degenerates. That was like their version of the dirty show.

Sure, but like also they already always think it's funny that they cut that joke from the degenerates. I know. It was too degenerate for them. Exactly. Hilarious. Oh here you are. Oh my god. What year are you thinking? 13? You can't do this joke on Netflix. Next up, Ted Bundy murders people. I know right that's their algorithm. Yeah, let's see it. Let me see. Oh What are we doing this for? Public the public wants to see it. We want to get let them get to know you Where we're off on sound, but this is a great. I remember the police or the fireman joke Oh the female cop do you know cop that was a good one and the chapstick the chap. Yes

Chapstick was it was the female cop joke again? Is basically, can you do? Uh, this is like torture. This is like what? No, I don't care. I get it. It's fine. I wouldn't want to watch me either.

Something about like two cops, it's like I'll just do this myself. Oh yes. Two female cops show up, you're like, now we're all gonna get robbed, great. Yes, my lady loves that joke and that's when I was like, she might be a caper. She gets it.

Was Dave cool? He was very cool. He was very nice, yeah. It's a good distinction between dark and dirty, because I did a show, I did a show somewhere at a youth group or something, and this young black kid was like, I have a show in Harlem, it's at my church group,

you gotta be clean, I said, no problem. And I went up in Harlem, it's at my church group, you gotta be clean. I said, no problem. And I went up there and I said, so my gay roommate, and he's in the back going, and I didn't know they don't fuck with that. Right. They don't fuck with just mentioning a gay guy? No, they're like, don't be gay.

In church now, you can't be gay. That's hilarious. And this is Harlem in 2012 or something. Right, but that's not even, you're like, I'm not saying anything dirty. But it was just the gay mention was out. I mean, there's like a couple of jokes in there where I'm like saying some dirty stuff,

but like, yeah, overall people just assume if you're dark, you're like a dirty comment. I'm always lumped in with that. Yeah. I've seen you like when it goes south and it's kind of funny to watch. Oh, for sure. Because the types of jokes you do aren't just,

like you're not just bombing, but they're like mad at you. Yeah, they're always mad. Yes, that's true. It's not like they just aren't into it, they're upset. Which also I feel like it gives me so much power, like when somebody gets up and leaves a show where it's like you came here and now I'm making you so upset where you can't even stay.

So anytime somebody leaves, I feel like it's a compliment. Damn. I don't even take it as offensive. I'm like, you are giving me so much power right now. You do the same in your personal life, you're like, I'm fucking awesome. I'm great, I'm killing it right now. Is it, give it to me straight.

98% women who get mad? Oh yeah, I don't know if any men have ever gotten. Yeah. I don't think that is, I don't know if any men have ever gotten. Yeah! I don't think that is. I don't know. I think it's a female nurturing weird thing, like this is over the line, this is inappropriate, whereas men are like, hey, this is fun.

What was the joke that usually does it? Is there one? I don't know, it depends where I'm at. I remember, I was just talking about this with Jared, like I was in the South, in Dallas, and like I walked like 20 Cowboys on a military joke And they stayed they stayed like my whole set It was like 90% done and then that was their thing where they were like I'm out It is weird cuz it's like if you if someone's telling dark jokes one thing's gonna hit you I

Know but they stayed for so long It's weird to have a line when you're like, okay, laughing at everything else. I think what I was saying particularly was right and they were mad that it was right. Do you remember what it was? It's in the special. It's something about how we don't really care

about people in the military. Oh. And they were mad. There was two military guys, the one here and one here, and this guy got mad and this one was like, you're right. Oh. I don't remember the jokes, it's a while ago, but something like that,

how we don't actually give a shit about them. I think that helps them. That's like raising awareness. I know, but like, I guess these people are like, no we do. It's like, I've dated a lot of guys in the military. They're like a hot mess. Oh, well for sure. It's like, just keep them there.

Once you take them, they belong there now. Yeah, this joke is personal to you. Right. Sure, yeah. I mean, I remember Bill Hicks had that joke where he was like, I'm in the weird position where I'm for the war but against the troops. That's a great joke.

It's very funny. Damn. Well, you know what it's kinda like? It's kinda like jail. You know, these guys will murder everybody, they'll kill their wives, they'll beat the shit out of women, but if you fuck a kid. They're like whoa We're gonna kill you now, but like you guys are all hardened criminals you murderers, but that's their line That's their line fucking yeah

That's there's a line. There's always a line. I mean I I'm sure you've heard my story I did a show in Kentucky a lady came with me. She's like you got to stop saying retard I have retarded niece or whatever and I I was like, well, what'd you think of the Holocaust jokes? She goes, those were great. So it's just their thing. Everyone has their thing, yeah. By the way, retard isn't too great

in the Holocaust either. That's true, good point. By the way, they rounded up a couple black and gay as well, but they don't get any, they need a publicist. They don't get enough love. Yeah, because it was, what is it, you kill one guy, it's a murder, you kill a bunch, it's a statistic. Is that it?

I don't know. All right. Yeah, it is weird when people just have that, I've listened before, but then sometimes we'll just, it's their thing. Like, Jews will do it to me, where they're like, what you said is anti-Semitic, I'm like, no it's not.

Yeah. But if you feel that way, then you feel that. Yeah,-Semitic, I'm like, no it's not. Yeah. But if you feel that way, then you feel that. Yeah, that's your opinion, that's the thing, it's your opinion. I mean, I've had people, I've walked somebody on a Ukraine joke, this is back when people cared about that. Yeah.

You know, things keep changing. I know, right? But like, yeah, it depends what their line is and what their thing is. The death of one man is a tragedy. Joseph Stalin's my hero. We need more Stalin jokes on the pod. He's my background.

My phone background. OK, I have a joke about how, you ever see how hot Stalin was when he was younger? Yes. Let's pull it up. So hot. Stalin was pretty sexy. A lot of young, powerful people, they look good. Yeah, kids are hot. Wait, what? I mean, oh, yeah, look at that. Hotty. That Jake Gyllenhaal, holy shit.

I know. Oh yeah. Good looking guy. That's great, that's great. Post-Molondom. That's a good time. Yeah, young people are attractive. Not all though.

Yeah, that's true. Haley Joel Osment. Some kids peak. Yeah. Some kids, like the Rizzler. I think this is true, Haley Joel Osment. Some kids peak. Yeah. Some kids, like the Rizzler, I think this is as good as it's gonna get. Oh, 100%. But he's a fat kid.

What can he do though? This? Yeah. So like after that now. I guess porn. He's gonna be a Comic-Con at 30, if he gives me 500 pounds, and he's just like, mm, and they're like,

eh, it doesn't really do it anymore. Haley Joel Osment got uglier, and I hate to say it, Dakota Fanning. Dakota Fanning was a cute kid, and she grew up, and you're like, oh, she's gonna be hot, I bet. She's okay. She's okay.

It is weird, though, to say she's gonna be hot, I bet. The feeling of, the scouting feeling. Yeah, that's a tough one. Not good. That's a tough one. But we all think it. Yeah. What about the kid from Jerry Maguire? Was there a cuter fucking kid on the planet

than that son of a bitch with the glasses and the spiky hair? He went the other way though. He got like prison ripped. Did he? I think so. Wait, I wanna see. Look how cute that is.

He's cute there, yeah. Oh my God. There's also something really cute about a kid with glasses. Yes. Look at him now though. Look in the corner. In the right.

Oh no! Disgusting. That's a bummer. Too many people pinched his cheeks as a kid and he was like, fuck you, never again. Yeah, I guess so. He also didn't grow much. He's almost the same height. That's like, disgusting.

I think that's more of what it is. I'm short, I gotta be buff. Yeah, cause I'm tiny. It's like when guys go bald and they grow a beard. They're like I gotta have some control I'm not I'm not is not that's not five nine. All right. Yeah, that's true. Every guy bumps up a couple inches I'm five nine. I tell everybody I'm five ten. Are you five nine? Yeah, you can put the shoes on it's five ten mmm What do you five six? Yeah, you can put the shoes on, it's 5'10". Right, because. Mm. Well, what are you, five, six? Five, six, five, seven. Yeah, okay.

How tall are you, Sam? I say six, three, but. Everybody bumps. Six, two and a half. Mm. I go up with an inch with a dick, too. You round up the half. With a dick, I go three inches.

That's what I tell everybody. You round up three inches? Yeah, I gotta go up a little. Three inches is insane, though. That was the joke. We're both two nine So we say three yeah That would be a bummer but they say Pull this up now. I sound like the small dick guy, but they say I love this a woman Not only feels the two inches in or something. I

Mean sure I feel a tampon when it's in. It's not great. Oh yeah. That's definitely a small dick scientist. Yeah. He's like, the rest is bullshit, guys. Sorry. You don't really need it. It's extra.

Right. He's just like mocking them there in the gym. He's like, look at that big useless, you just grabbed, there's nothing. Four inches. Average depth, but how does that work if there's a big old dong going in there that's eight inches?

It's just the whole thing doesn't go in. Is that right? But then women say they like a big dong, but if it doesn't go all the way in, what's the point? I think everyone is not the same inside. I think you're right. You've been with a couple of BLMs. Black Lives Matter?

Yeah, there's definitely a difference there. I mean, would you get that whole thing in? No, for sure not. Oh, wow, OK. That's the end. You hit the end. Damn. You're going to have to pull back.

It just says you got a U-turn. It's like a cul-de-sac. Yeah, we got to back up. No good. You got to reverse it there. The sword is? Beep beep beep. Yeah, I mean, it'll be like you just worked out.

Damn. The day after, you're like, I can't really walk. Oh, my lady's doing cartwheels after we've worked. I'd rather not. We're the gay dudes, take cocks and work out all the time. Oh yeah. It might be a ton of pain. I think you build up, no, I think you have to build it up.

Do you know what I mean? Like, I think you build up a tolerance to it. To big build it up Do you mean like I think you build up a tolerance to it to big dong? Yeah, it's a big dong I see. Oh wow is the first one's gotta be tough The fur I mean I guess if you keep doing it over and over it gets easier I think a butts got a hurt way more than I mean that's not even happening now. That's true Yeah, call in if you're gay. I'd like to hear from your ass. Should we FaceTime Matteo again?

No. He's our go-to. He's your go-to gay correspondent. Yeah. He's my neighbor. I went downstairs yesterday. He's like, come over, I'll make you, I got a new call, got like sent a $900 coffee machine

for free. So he's making me a nice latte. He's doing the art. He's like showing off. Wow. He hands it to me. And then a woman just comes in and starts doing his makeup. He's going to some gala. Wow. And she's just doing his makeup while we're hanging out. I was like, man, we're different dudes.

Yeah. We get along well, but it's very different. He's living. Good for him. He's like sashaying around town. Speaking of bummers. Oh boy. Oh my God. Oh jeez. Came here straight from the game. Come on. You of bummers. Oh boy. Oh my God. Oh geez. Team you're straight from the game. Come on.

You're doing the Yankee. I've been homeless since they lost. I've been just going out looking at like how they should have played better at second place. Are you going tonight too? Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah we added a show to pay for tickets.

Me, Ken and Ren and ZC were like, well we can't afford this. So we do have a- They're gonna lose. Yeah, I know. So why are you going? Because we added a show to pay for it. And the show isn't like a month. Yeah, the show's November 11th.

Doesn't matter. Damn. Yesterday. Is it Autani? Do we blame Autani? No, they're way better. Dodgers are way better. I don't know, that kid's good.

I'm so glad I didn't get in on this. I love you. Yeah, I know. And I felt bad having to not get in on this, but like, I don't know, that kid's good. I'm so glad I didn't get in on this. I love you. And I felt bad having to not get in on this, but like, I just. God, we sucked. The Dodgers are really good. Dodgers are good and Yankees just fucking suck!

Yeah. Yeah. Judge sucked. How did they get so far though, by sucking? They didn't suck. They played some bad teams and they're good. They just aren't as good as the Dodgers. Yeah.

Worst record for a. Judge is fucking choking. choking judges hitting 140. Ah That's well you lost the Yankees, but you got a special that's right. We did get a special This is the best thing that happened to the Bronx there'll be no parade November she's a Bronx bomber What are you guys drinking? Oh, we're waiting for you. We're waiting for you to sit down here. Okay, thank you.

I appreciate it. He needs a drink after that run. Were you drunk for the game last night? Yeah, I was a little tuned up. Plus, some guy in front of us was on the show, Cannon saw him on the show, The Boys. He was the fast one. Oh, yeah.

You know, the fast black one. Yes. He sat at the table, the guy started the show. He killed the person. Oh that's right. That's right, that's right. Anyway that's why I know tickets are too expensive if that guy is sitting directly in front of us

and we're in the 300s. Wow. Yeah but he left a beer there. He got up to leave in the eighth. Did you get it? Yeah me and Renaziz's kid, Renaziz's kid's like, I don't think that's open. And I was like, pull a real Norman.

We were seeing eye to eye on that. And I tapped it. Unopened is not. Unopened. Oh yeah. That's a $14 beer or whatever. He's 16.50. It was cracked.

This guy was at the fucking thing? Sitting directly in front of us, that is him. Can't get him all the way in. So hot. When you see these people behind home plate though, and they're not, and they're on their phone, and you're just like, oh, he's like a 25. I know. I know.

I know. Fucking suck. At the Dodger games, that's all it is. Yeah. I just wanna be there. Yeah. Ugh, I went to the Super Bowl and the Phoenix won, and there was a million guys just doing this the whole time.

You wanna go, what are you doing? The worst is the hot girl doing this. I'm at the Dodger game. You're like, you're not even watching. We saw, I was with, it might have been with Dave Smith, somebody, but we were at a Jets game, one of those publicist tickets, who was like front row, father and son next to us, having a great time.

Early third, two ladies come in and it's their seat. But no like understanding of like, oh here's a dad with his kid. They're like, oh you gotta move, that's our seat. And he's like, all right, all right, all right, I'm getting up. And they're like, like now and he was like They sat for seven minutes, and they went back to the fucking buffet yeah, but then they got to move back

No, they were gone You gotta make a decision when someone comes when you're in their seat How do you play it get that hell out but do you say sorry or do you go? Yeah, I was just trying to say it for well. Oh my oh is this not my section play dumb play Yeah, you gotta go dumb. I was just trying to sit here for a while, or do you go, oh my, oh, is this not my section at all? I think you play dumb. Yeah, you gotta go dumb. I would just be like, no one was here. How stupid can you be that you're like, the best seats I thought were mine?

Oh shit. Holy shit, this is bleachers? I thought it was, wow, okay. I put some behind the plate. I got some nub on it. How did I miss that up? Oh, I thought because my teeth were bleached years ago. These are mine.

What do you want, Ari? We have anything. Well, let's make something with an olive. Oh, we got a ton of olives. Your bartender wrote me from Cambodia, from the wild. The beer Jew? The beer Jew, yeah. Can you bring it over?

I'll do the martinis in a shaker if you want. You're gonna do a martini? Martini. Let's do a martini for a World Series run. Vodka. You don't drink, right? Vodka. All right. No, I'll watch you guys drink.

Okay. Some would say is it really a martini with vodka instead of gin, but I'm- Who would say that? I've heard people say that. What? It's done both ways. It is. It is.

I prefer, I'm actually good either way, but I'm good with vodka. Yeah, you prefer, but to say it's not real, that's like saying like don't put salt on a meal at a restaurant. This is good shit. Yeah. It's a Belvedere.

That is good shit. Yeah. You have the shaker, I'll shake it up. Do you have vermouth? You restaurant. Yeah. Belvedere. That is good shit. Yeah. You have the shaker, I'll shake it up. You have vermouth? You gotta get Mr. Belvedere on the show. That's sweet and dry. That's not vermouth, that's olive juice. Oh nice.

In your face, Sam. We have olive juice. In your fucking face, you thought that was vermouth and you have a drinking show. I was making sure it wasn't sweet vermouth, there's a color. Common mistake. That's a good move right there. There you go.

Yeah. I don't know what any of this means. So when's the special dropping by the way? November 12th. Yeah, pretty fucking excited about it. Louis directed it. How did that come together with Louis coming on board? You were in a hotel. He was going to just do my special. He was going to put it behind a paywall at first.

Kind of like Bobby's and then. We had to talk him out of that. Yeah, smart. They're like, no one's gonna see that. I was just like, I need people. And Bobby was trying to convince me to do it though. He's like, people are gonna see it. I'm like, they're not gonna buy it.

Nobody knows who I am. Right. Yeah. They didn't buy his. The question. I'm sure Morrill bought his and then would buy mine. Maybe. He's got a bit of a following, but are you excited for the backlash?

The backlash. You're gonna get a ton of women going, hey, this is a little hot. There's definitely some feminists who just go, how dare you, Louie, how dare you, Netflix, work with Louie. Yes. They're gonna leave out the fact that he's actually in the process of helping a female comedian.

No one cares about that. No one cares. That's out. I'm not the right female comic to help, that's why. That is true. Good point. I'm not the right female to help. You that's why. That is true. Good point. I'm not the right female to help. There's only certain women that feminists like. You're the Tim Dillon gay of female comics.

Yes! Same body. Same body. Ah, but you know, you're right, that's a good point. They wanna help certain women and not all. They wanna help certain women, I'm not the right one. It's like if they go, we need a woman of color, you go, how about that Candace Owens?

They go, well, crazy. No, yeah, that's not like. You said women of color. Yeah, Milo. Yeah, there's only certain ones. Milo. You gotta get Milo in here to eat Funyuns while you guys drink. Yeah.

Get some ice too? Oh, you're the fun. But I'm excited for the backlash. It's gonna be swift. Some of these jokes, too, are so dark. The school shooting joke alone. The school shooting. They cut that out of Netflix before.

I made her do it. We just talked about that. Yeah, good for you. They were like, nah, they went and cut it again. of Netflix before, I made her do it. Yeah, good for you. They were like, nah, they went cut it again. I'm like, let's just do it for a promo clip. It's too good. And the odds are in your favor of a school shooting happening around then.

Yeah. So that could be topical. Now that COVID's over, we're back to school. I accidentally posted a school shooter joke on the anniversary of Sandy Hook. And someone was like, what the fuck? I'm like, well, there's one every day. I know how we do it. I wasn't trying to do the anniversary.

I did a school shooting joke, like very soon after Sandy Hook by Sandy Hook. And I was like, I didn't fucking know how close we are. It was like a month or two after. A month or two. Yeah, that's tough. That's touchy. I didn't even realize where we were.

Corey and Alex Jones, it's all made up. Yeah. He might not be. Yeah, that worked out really well for him. It was a billion, how do you owe a billion dollars? You're like LeBron would be like, I'm broke now. What does he have to do? Does he have to work at like Target?

Yeah, he's working slowly where he's gonna target his wages at Target. Swap the dishes. You imagine Alex Jones as a greeter at Walmart, like you get out there, the prices are ridiculous, they might be up to something. They're dropping like crazy. I was at UFC with Alex Jones and Joey Diaz.

Wow. It's a long time ago, 10, 15 years ago. And Joey Diaz hands him a cookie, a baked cookie. Oh boy. And he goes, here, here's this for you. And he goes, Alex Jones goes, what's in here? And Joey goes, eat the fucking cookie. Wow.

Did he just eat it? Yeah, it was drugs, but. You don't say. But he's like, obviously. God, I'm excited for this special. Me too. We need a normal comic on there. Every time we get one of these, it's a win for us.

We'll see what happens. Are they nervous at all, or are they just like, here we go? I don't think they think anything's gonna happen. They seem to think the jokes are not gonna get any pushback. They think they're not gonna get any pushback? I don't think so. I don't think they do.

I think you want pushback just to get the buzz going. Pushback rules, that's what Dice said. It's your call, you're the one who's gonna take the heat. Sure, yeah. No, she likes pushback. It's fun to see people get mad. Yeah. That's always angry.

That's always enjoyable, especially when other people are enjoying it. I think the best thing to do is just not respond to any of it, just let it play out. I agree. Oh yeah. Like early in, I guess my career, you just start fighting with these people

and you're like, there's no point. Just let them do whatever they're gonna do on your Instagram and Facebook or whatever. Now, do you have any jokes about Puerto Ricans? Because they seem very angry. She does. I do. She does actually.

It's my favorite joke. Dominicans and Puerto Ricans. Plenty. It's just one joke I think. Oh boy. This is exciting. I love how angry people are using Tony as a flash point for politics.

I know, it's all. It would be crazy if Trump loses the election because of Tony. Let's just not, we should just avoid it though because this comes out after. Man, wasn't that crazy though. That was nuts, I can't believe it. Nice, and may I say this is the best shape

of a martini glass because it's less spillable. Yeah, that's great. I'm a big fan of that too. Yeah. Great. Oh, that nice plastic. Adrian's new special. Yes, the Dark Queen, baby. Very exciting.

Woo! That's pretty fucking good. Mm. Made a little extra dirty. Good boy. Hey, not too shabby. Good boy. Not bad.

No kick. That's vodka heavy. Yeah. These'll fuck you up. Martinis are just like, it's booze on booze. Oh dude, last time, I think, not the last time, but one time we got Martini drunk and it ended a relationship of mine.

You and me. Whoa. I remember that. I was like, wait, I had one with me like that. What relationship was that? Our friendship, we just came back to it. I was on the phone with an ex and she was like, she's not, you're just drunk and she was like she was she's not

You're just drunk and I was like, yeah, I'm not lying So upset how drunk I was yeah, no, she was just mad She's like you're just drunk and I was like, yeah, I didn't I wasn't like lot Sometimes I will do the thing though where I'm like I had one drink right and you're clearly shit face I think it's always best when you're slurring from one. It's weird, right? It's a martini, they'll get you. I had one drink and my pants are off. I'm in the hallway. I'm fucking sober.

It is fun to say you had one drink when you had a lot. That is one of my moods, but this time I was like, I am a little drunk and she was just like, you're just drunk. And I was just like, yeah. Yeah, you said you were. But also like, we just finished working. We're out with friends. By the way, work said you were. But also, like, we just finished working. Yeah.

We're out with friends. By the way, work was you, me, and Mark getting drunk. Drink. That is work. Work is work. Podcast. Podcast is work. He went to a couple therapy drunk.

Duh! Yeah, one time. One time, it was tough. You started, you showed up as a problem. You got, yeah. That's great. It's like, obviously the figures are gonna point at me on this one.

That's great. Yeah. You know gonna point at me on this one. That's great. You know that thing where you try to not slurp, but you have to really intentionally. Yes. I need to pay more attention to the relationship. I mean, if I was a therapist, I'd be like, you're just the problem. It's better than being coked up. I love her so much, this is the best relationship of my life, and we're gonna start a home together,

and we're gonna make a movie. I know that feeling of drunk, where you think you're killing it in the moment. You're like, man, I'm enunciating these words perfectly. I'm fucking crushing this. My love language. Just notes. Affection.

I've been there, where you fucking just have to fake it. Yeah. We've done that, I've done that on stage. We were like, oh shit. Oh dude, when I did Burt's podcast with Ric Flair, we did The Something's Burning, it was the drunkest I've been all year. I puked, I was puking nonstop. On the show?

No, after, no, on the show I was like, but towards the end I was aware of how fucked up I was and we're having like a silly time, and then Bert goes, do you have any regrets? And Ric Flair just starts crying, and I'm just like, oh fuck. And he starts talking about his dead son, and I don't know what to do, so I just kinda,

like I'm having that moment where I'm like, I'm so shit-faced right now. That's crazy to say on a podcast with a drunk guy. I know. Well I was just trying to be like, just don't. You guys are almost in the same outfits. Look at your face. Look how red he is.

I don't know where it is. Bert? He started crying and I didn't know what to do. I'm so shit faced in this moment. You do look shit faced. You look so drunk. You can't even keep your head straight. At one point I just, I didn't know what to do

and I like put my hand on his back. No. Oh. Look how purple he is. That's a weird color to be does he still woo during the cry I want I want to say I'm like five or six boulevardier's deep here oh yeah but they're like tall ones well you hang I didn't know what that seems appropriate I was good dude we had the same thing on Killtony with Flair and it was, they had Louis and Zach in the back

because bigger names might come in. Louis recognized what that was immediately. It's like, I think this might be disrespectful. And we're sitting there, we're in the front with Flair, he's too drunk, he was in fairness, drunk since 2 p.m. that night. Yes. And then he starts talking about his dead son. I look back at Luis Gomez, and Luis just gave this look, and then Zach was kind of nodding, like,

let's light him up. Yeah. And it was just like, you shouldn't be here. He's coming on the pod. I can't wait. I'm kind of excited. Hope he gets tuned up again, because he talked about Asian pussy for 20, 25 minutes.

Keep it in. Yeah. I'd rather hear about that than his dead kid 25 minutes. Keep it in. Yeah. I'd rather hear about that than his dead kid though. Oh yeah. I had a good line, he went, woo, and I said, was that her name? Oh. Yeah, that's funny.

Yeah, this is a fucking hilarious show. That's a crazy line. Great. Did you ever think? Talking about his tracheotomy. Yeah, it looks like he's talking about his cancer. That's why I'm trying, because I'm wasted, but I'm also like trying not to laugh,

because I'm just like, what has happened in my life that I'm trying to console a guy I grew up watching? Yes, exactly. I'm trying not to, not laughing at him, but laughing at the absurdity of the situation. That's great. But yeah, he's a fucking, I mean, he's a legend. I loved him growing up, dude. I loved all those guys.

Anyone who's a bad guy, he's like fucking great. Thank you. Heal. It's got to be tough Thank you. Heal. It's gotta be tough to be a heal throughout the day, but the memories are great. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the hard part about healing. Well it's tough now when people are like, I'm gonna find your middle school teacher

and try to tell you're a cunt. That's true. You? Yeah, well it's usually the boo's in the ring were the fun part. Right. Well it's like, hey, you drug-burnt, you piece of shit, but 10 years later I feel like we were like,

man, Ari's wild. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But at the moment you gotta take all the shrapnel. History has been kind to Ari's mayhem. Yeah, still alive. Yeah. Still alive, still standing. Yeah.

What else did you do? You've told it. Kobe. A little shit in a box, I see where there's almost. Oh wait, no you don't, you just shit in a box. Yeah, he shit in a box. I feel like he has. I was literally giving him credit for a while. He has not.

I was like, man, he's really turned it around. Don't lose that edge. No, he has not. I landed in Vegas, they were like, oh, he shit on the stage. I was like, all right, good. Good to be here. Glad I showed up.

Did you plan this? Did you do a laxative? How did you do that? Well, I was on antibiotics for ringworm, so it helped. Why do you have ringworm? Right? I don't know exactly. What is ringworm? I don't know.

Some fungus. Don't you get it from sitting in a sandbox or something? I think I might have just like, yeah, I think I might have shared Mike Vecchione's lounge chair after a workout or something. Was the venue mad at you for pooping on their stage? Bro? I think you pooped on paper like a dog. Not at all. Really?

Literally, he was like, I don't know. The venue is disgusting. They were happy I cleaned it up. It's meant to be shit on. Yeah. All of Vegas is meant to be shit. It's Skankfest. They were like, only one shit?

What are you gonna do next year though? I think I might have to just go to jokes. Oh, boo. Yeah, I figured out the next step. I think you'd have to jerk off on people. Hey. Oh, I didn't think of that. There's a line there.

I thought it was human sacrifice. You don't want Louis and Ari producing this. It doesn't matter. Ari's already gonna go off the list. What if I jerk off on Louis? I know that. That's a full circle. Hey, that's good.

I love that. How do you stay hard? That's the hard part. You gotta listen to his old stuff. Yeah, you gotta listen to Chewed Up. I saw him the other night, he's got some fucking heaters. He's cooking. He's cooking.

It's so great to see, because I watched him a month ago and he was really struggling and now that same shit is, I love to see the progress. That Buddhist bit is killer. The who? He's got a Buddhist bit that's killer. Oh, I don't know that one. Yeah, I mean, he's got great stuff right now.

Yeah, well, boo this moment. Boo. All right. I don't know, there's got great stuff right now. Yeah, well boo this moment. Boo. There's a reach. I tried to back you up. Yeah, how are you gonna up that? I thought it might be human sacrifice, so I might have to be done. But jerking off publicly is, you got any ideas?

You could kill a lab rat or something. Didn't you jerk off in a California club on a table? In a condo, the La Jolla condo, yeah. Somebody told me that story. To a Maya Anoveira save, I jerked. Somebody told me that story. To a save? I went out in the other room and I got up pretty close

and then I went out for Jim Painter and I think Rick Ingram. And jerked off on a table. Into now and do a tea saucer. Oh, fun. Right as he was closing one out. Hall of Famer, though. Yeah, victimless crime. Yeah. As long as no one drank it. Sorry. I wouldn't drink it. Oh fun right as he was closing one out Hall of Famer though. Yeah victimless crime. Yeah

As long as I would drink it. Sorry I like these two in Hall of Famer. He's like I can only fucking not to yeah the dudes Yeah, a thousand hits or elite closer and never do it to wetland. You drink jizz out of a coffee Saucer do you hit the pinky? Fun pranks. There was a lot of jizzing back in my childhood, like Chris Farley in J. Moore's book, Grass Movement for Airtime,

they talk about the first time he met him, somebody had like a David Spade had a giant book on his desk and Chris Farley jizzed in it and closed the book. No. And that was just a fun, friendly thing. It is fun, but it's not sexual. Sexuality is just fun. Yes. But it's also gross. It's not the sex part, it's close the book. And that was just a fun, friendly thing. It is fun, but it's not sexual. Sexuality is just fun.

Yes! But it's also gross. It's not the sex part, it's the gross part. Right, yeah. A flaccid dick is not like, victimly. It's just like, grody. I did that in Joe Mackey's Bible back in the day. Ah!

He's not happy about that. This makes more sense now. I get it, I get where it went off the rails. I dare you to do the Koran though. That'll get you snipped. Of all the holy books, the Bible has the best pages for rolling joints. That's true.

Yeah, I love that paper. Yeah. Koran. You have to do something like that next year. You have to take like the Torah, the Koran, and smoke out of it. Yes. Roll joints out of the Bible.

Be real heretical. So you had ringworm, but before that, you had a Lyme disease, or almost? No, almost. I had to take drugs. I got bitten by a bunch of nymph ticks. Nymph ticks? Yeah, in Montauk.

I was there with Norman. Yeah, I was walking with a dog. I think it might have led to that. I don't really know. It was like right from there. So I couldn't eat meat for a fucking week. I went to sushi by scratch. Hey!

It was good. It's so good, but he had these like bone marrow pieces like for meat. And he was just mocking me the whole time. He's like, for those of you who didn't fuck up at Montauk, here's some bone marrow. How do you get Lyme disease? Ticks.

You're getting stuff that people got in like the 20s. It's, well the tics, the nymphs don't carry the Lyme disease, they carry alpha-gal. That makes you allergic to meat forever if you have meat while you're infected. Alpha-gal? Yeah. Sounds like your old album.

Alpha-gal. Oh, that could be a name for it. Yeah, Dark Queen is not bad, but alpha-gal sounds like one of those like. No red meat is rough. That's insane. You get bored. You get bored with fish and chicken.

Oh yeah. Turkey, pork. Turkey, ugh. Wow, so did you have to go to the hospital for that? Yes, and they just gave me antibiotics, which made me shit a bunch, which allowed me to take a nice hot dump on stage to honor Kill Tony at Skankfest. Hell yeah.

Was it full of blood? So a lot of them said yes, but I said a low amount of blood. You poop blood onto a stage? One time he showed me a picture. Yeah, when you say it like that. One time he showed me a picture where he shit and there was so much blood that it looked like strawberry chocolate cake.

Oh. Yeah. Beat me. Oh, yeah. Beat it. You want to call it up? What poor gas digital intern had to swiffer that up after that? No one talks about that hero. It was Red Ben who wanted to take it home. He dries out poop and keeps it in his mantle. You actually cleaned it?

I cleaned it, yeah. Oh, okay. I read those moments where you realize like, hey, no one else would suffer from this. This is a little much for someone else to do. Were you trying not to puke while you were cleaning this? No, I mean, you know. He's pretty used to cheating everywhere. Yeah, I'm pretty gross. Naked even on ass.

I live in gross, Gigi Ari. Well, I felt bad when we did Protect Our Parks. You fuckers got me next planet drunk. Wow. I puked at the mothership like, I'm talking gallons of puke. I laid in it, I passed out, puked at the mothership like, I'm talking gallons of puke. I laid in it, I passed out, puked again, and I staggered home,

and some poor person had to clean that. Well, Mark sent a gift basket. And now he's a star in Killtonia. Yeah. He sent him a gift basket, like, I'm really sorry. Look, look. That feels horrible. We know, we're commas. You fuck some shit up, like, I'll handle that.

Well, the worst part was the next day I showed up to do some more sets, and I met the guy who did it and when you look that guy in the eye It's a real bummer But I sent a gift I'm sure that changes a PTSD. I said an edible arrangement with a funny note Well, what's that for cleaning a puke? I didn't say was even for cleaning a puke. Well, I didn't say it was even. Of course.

It's a gesture. Most people wouldn't say that. That's true. Most people just move on. Public apology, you've made plenty of them. Oh yeah. Remember that? Damn dude.

Yeah, the puking, I remember you handed me, we were in Orlando. Oh. I was puking in the airport and Mark. In the airport. Mark pulls a bro move where he hands a ginger ale over the stall, seeing me bent over. That's a good thing.

That's a good friend. How often do you guys puke when you drink? Rarely. Not as much as I do. Rarely. Wow, if I go, I'm puking. Really? If I go hard.

I wish, that's better for you. That's better, yeah. I wish I got it out, because you wake up and it's all still in there for me and you just want to kill yourself. I feel it now where I'm like it's coming and I kind of like force it out. I don't use the fingers anymore.

I just do that enough to where it's like if it's there, it'll come out. I think some people can puke easier than, if I puke it's like a traumatic event. It hurts, I'm in pain. I like think about my childhood. Yeah, I'm tearing up. I love tearing up.

I love going to the bathroom real quick knowing like, oh I definitely got to puke. Really quick, puking on the side. Blemix style on the side, nobody can hear it. Then love going to the bathroom real quick knowing like oh, I definitely got a really quick puking on the side Blemix style on the side nobody can hear then come back to the table like hey, so what are we doing? And they're like why old glassy? I'd that's a fuck. That's a gift you come the side. You don't hear it You don't hear that's Blemix 101. I never knew that yeah, you gotta go quietly, so here's how they puke No splash it's like when you're pissing when you're on the phone with your agent yeah hit the corners hit the corners go quietly, so here's how they puke. Whoa. No splash. It's like when you're pissing when you're on the phone

with your agent, you hit the corners. Hit the corners. Yeah. Or you can just mute them. Yeah, you ask a question and be like, hey, what are those sales like in Providence right now? Yeah. And Tuesday?

Who you hit? You tell me about your childhood. You're taking a shit, you hit mute, and you're like, oh fuck, oh my God. Oh cool, yeah, yeah, I could do Spokane. That's good. Oh. It's funny how shitting on a Zoom

would get you in less trouble than jerking it. I think shitting's a bad look. Shitting's a bad look. It's not a great look. Just more disgusting than sexual. I agree. It's not sexual at all. But jerking would get you in more trouble.

Yeah. Jerking's worse. Jerking is worse. Okay. Yeah, jerking's worse. That's about right, it's the right order. It's worse, but it's also more flattering than if someone's just taking a dump.

Good point, good point. Taking a dump is like a power move more than like. Yes. I don't think we got the right woman in here to do this. Oh, sorry, yeah, I'm not the right one. I have female friends and they say this is flattering, so I don't know. I the right woman in here to do this. I'm sorry, yeah, I'm not the right one. I have female friends and they say this is flattering, so I don't know. I think it's more flattering that

than like you're just shitting. Your face makes me wanna shit. Yeah, oh. Well, LBJ would do both, right? Not jerk off, but he'd show you his dick and he would take a shit in front. Really? That was the, I'm pretty sure Lyndon B. Johnson.

Pull it up. He would show you his dong and say, is this the biggest one you've ever seen? Whoa, I didn't know that. Did he have a huge dick? I think he had a pretty big dick. And then also he would take a meeting on the shitter too. That I get.

To me that's- I'm like a horse, yeah. Wow, BJ. It's fitting. Can't spell BJ without, oh yeah. Wow, jumbo. Call his penis jumbo. Mark, are you gonna start calling your penis jumbo. Eh, jumbo shrimp.

It's big for a small? Yeah, yeah, I like that. Good merch. It's big for a small. Oh, I wish they would show it. This is the old days where there's no, I mean right now it's like. You have to use your imagination.

Yeah, that's getting out. He showed it in high school. We can get Michelle Obama's dick up here in two seconds. All right. Joking. I gotta tell you a joke after this. Oh, look at that. Look at that weight.

Wow, that's a hog. Zoom in, section G3, please. Wait, some of it might just be balls, though. That's true. That's a lot of ball. Wow. Is that Ric Flair? That's quite a...

That's the real bag. Look at the dog. The dog? The dog's giving it up. That is a pretty big dick. I mean, who knows how much balls are there though. It's gotta be 80% ball. No way.

I'm telling ya. Pull up a shot of Elvis. Elvis had a huge bulge in that same position and no one talks about his hammer. It's a pretty gay episode. Cause he took it from. He's not even wearing it. He's got some other dude's dicks from the 60s.

Hold on, he's hugging his dad there. The one where he's hugging his dad. That's when he's really hard. That's when he's really hard. Yeah. Keep going left, left, left, left, up. And this is entirely my fault for sending us down this road here.

There you go. Look at that. Wow, let me see that zoom in. Zoom in big. He's smuggling a couple of grapefruits. Wow. It looks like his dad's going into his dick going into what it's like up and down if he died in the toilet it must have dipped Yeah, is this dad Paul Newman? Oh?

Yeah, where wow what are those two things in the guy from Mad Men also is it man John Hamm? On ham I did a movie with him really Really? I don't wanna talk about it. It was so bad. Bridesmaids? It was really bad. It was called Keeping Up With The Joneses. It was so bad, I'm embarrassed about it, but it was there. This guy's dick is huge.

Whoa! What, that's a wallet! No, that's a dick. That's a great move. Oh, there on the side. You have a chunky wallet, everyone's like, holy shit, you guys got no luck. You're rich!

He's got a lot of 20s. Oh, I see it now on the side. That's like a weird x-ray. Wow. That's a see-through. That'd be a great, a designer should do that. They should make a design with just a dick outline. Yeah.

Oh yeah. Get the white wash in there. Don't they have like bras with the nipple in it? They do. Yeah. Ask Kim K to do it. That's a great idea. Kim Cognon?

Apparently a friend of mine who's a homosexual told me that they go full stuff. They stuff it? Yeah, they stuff it just for the look. Wow. Then what happens when you take them home and it's not that big? Doesn't matter, gay guys aren't gonna be like,

no thanks, they're gonna be like, it's here. That's what he said. Remember Tommy Caffrey's joke about that? It's like, it's not cool if you just, it's like if you go into, I got you a Jaguar and then you get to the just, it's like if you, I got you a Jaguar and then you get to the garage, it's just tissue paper. Shaped like a Jaguar, you're like, yeah, this sucks. That's true.

My favorite joke of his was how people should be, it was like open mic days when people were just starting to get stuff, we were still open micers. And when somebody booked a sitcom, they're like, you should be happy for me. Even though we're poverty stricken. And he goes, that's like going to a homeless guy and like eating a Big Mac.

I'm like, why don't you have it for me? I was so hungry before I got this Big Mac and now I got this Big Mac. He had the best analogies. Yeah. Dude, he had so many, he has so many good jokes. And those good jokes too. Yeah.

Remember the one he had, we're just quoting McCaffrey now, but remember the one he had about starting fights with kids in high school? They're like, you and me, three o'clock, bite rack. He's like, I was a pussy, so I would give people locations and times that were hard to get to. Oh, you wanna go?

You and me, Christmas morning, Mount St. Helens. Like, man, I'm with my family. This pussy's gonna be with his family. And then he's like, oh, you wanna go? You and me, Vanity Fair, Oscars after party. That's kind of a tight list. This pussy's not gonna get on the list. Oh, you want to go you and me vanity fair Oscars after party This pussy's not gonna get on the list Yeah, I saw him like a month ago at the stand randomly law school I don't know my thing in the rock rapper which is even worse. He see is sort of me now like Macy's for Christmas

You know he was the first comic, because everyone has his bit now, but he was the first comic I saw to do the, you know, the girl's like, we should make a list of guys we're allowed to sleep with. And he's like, she's like, you know, Keanu Reeves, Brad Pitt, whatever. And he's like, the girl at the store.

Your friend Margaret. Yeah, your friend Margaret, your aunt. Everyone does that bit now. He was the first, I think, to do it. Yeah, your friend Margaret, your aunt. Everyone does that bit now. He was the first, I think, to do it. Yeah. God, everyone does that bit. Yeah. He would crush, like, he was like that dude

that we would watch at mics or like shitty bar shows and he would have the best fucking jokes. I know. It's so funny that he stopped doing stand-up to become a rapper. A lot of comics want to be music. What's his name? From Chicago. Put you out like Hannibal Burr. He's back.

He's back doing stand-up. I think the lack of respect though gets to some people. That's what it is. Like, you know, I think he knew he was funny and wasn't getting what he thought he deserved. Who? And then he's like, let me do something I'm not good at. So when I don't get anything, it doesn't hurt. So he starts flailing, like,

I'm gonna go in a different direction. He was so funny, though. It's weird that we're all talking highly about him, about a guy who doesn't do stand-up anymore. But I think the lack of, he didn't get anything, really. So I think that pissed him off. Fuck you, I'll rep. He had the other great one, he's like,

Jenna Jamison, I read her book, the movie was better. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. It's a fucking 20 word joke. I know. You know, I love those. I remember seeing him at your show at the stage. The stage? Sage.

Sage. That kept me going, that show. You guys all book shows? Who booked shows here? We had a show, we all did shows. I did for a while. I still do. Oh, that's right.

You had the one with Lewis too, the mashup show. Whoa! The head show, yeah. And then I did another show when I first started, I was like three or four years in at some restaurant. I booked one at a bar. It does not happen, it turned out good. It sucks to have a show though,

cause you just get hit up. I mean, it's like, I guess the equivalent of having a podcast now. You need a booker who's like, they handle it. You need a don. You need your don. You gotta have it. To block for you.

But then those bookers get fucking ego sometimes. I don't know, this is a sore sub. What is it? Didn't your mom do comedy? Yeah. Is that weird? Does she have an X-Men special too right now, or just you? I mean, she'll probably get one.

She'll probably get one. Louis is losing. She'll probably get one. Is she happy for you? Yeah but I remember years ago when I first got something in comedy she was like how'd you get that? Like a real comic.

Wow. Well she's a comic. You don't want that at home though. Yeah I mean she's gotta get her other hip done. I think she's out of the game. It's tough when you can't stand up for stand up comedy. Yeah.

Do you like her stuff? My mom's actually pretty dirty. Oh. She'll do a lot, she does a lot of black shows. Oh, okay. I did a lot of black shows, but I got out of them and she's in them. Damn.

Yeah. Okay, dirty mom. Do you like her jokes? Some of them are funny. Yeah. You got out of black shows and then became their body type? I was always their body type. Oh, okay.

She has a really funny joke about, so her mother is Jewish and that her and my grandfather, her father was Italian and they were eating broccoli rabe and I guess when she was a kid and they ate all the flowers and then when my grandmother got up, there was only stems left and she goes, fine. She said something like, sure sure leave the stems for the Jew Like the stems the shitty parts are she saying you left the

See I see all right, we'll have her on Dirty though is it weird to hear your mom be dirty now I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. Dirty though, is it weird to hear your mom be dirty? No. I wonder if that led to some of your filter going away. Gotta be, right? Nobody judging you at home for dark jokes.

But it's not like I grew up with her doing that though. You might be the darkest comic because it's also not like, there's no part of it that's couched in like, oh look what I'm saying. Yeah. But I think that's the worst part is that everyone thinks I'm like acting and I'm like, this is just what's in my head. I'm saying. It's almost like something. But I think that's the worst part is that everyone thinks I'm acting.

And I'm like, this is just what's in my head. I completely agree. Unfortunately, everyone thinks I'm an edgelord. And I'm like, this is just who I am. It's so fun when I see people walk out on your shows and you're like, no, you're not wrong. No. It's just like, I'm so excited.

I get it. I see your point of view. It is all the same thing. You're definitely the darkest good comedian. There's probably some fucking dudes at Mike's who are saying some crazy shit. That's true. Anyway, congratulations on your special, The Dark Queen.

Anthony has his special out also in November on Netflix. Oh really? We gotta get him on. I heard it's amazing. I bet. Every theater I do, I go, who do you hate? Who showed up? Who sucked?

And who was great? And they all say, Mulaney was great, Jelsenek was great, and I won't say who sucked. Yeah, you can't. Yeah. Off camera. I'll tell you off camera. Oh yeah, I wanna know.

You won't be surprised. Is it a girl? No, no, they don't even count them as comedians. That is true, good point. But, no, you'll know. You'll be like, oh yeah. I got a lot of surprises. I got a Louis joke for you after this episode.

Okay. Yeah, that reminded me, because he directed this, by the way. But it reminded me earlier and it was no way on air. What did that entail? I think that's the only way I can get away from it. I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm noted room. Everyone's old. I mean I'm like performing I'm like tap dancing up there and like they're like not really that into it and I got off stage I'm like, he's not gonna do this special. I just start bawling. I'm just like Worries like he's out. I'm like, he's not gonna want to do cuz like I was just like he's gonna not want to do this He's gonna say this isn't ready and I just got off stage I start like bawling for like a half hour. Wow,. And he had a conversation that kind of turned things for me,

but I was like, he even said to me, this is a very hard hour for you to be going on the road where people don't know you. It's a lot of really dark topics, and he's like, it's a hard hour. He's like, it's good, it's better than your album. I think it's cohesive, but it's a really hard hour. And he was just talking about how before he broke,

he's like, I was struggling on the road, so you forget that. I'm just like, this guy's been really hard hour. And he was just talking about how like when he, before he broke, he's like, I was struggling on the road, so you forget that. Like I'm just like, this guy's been murdering forever. It's like, I struggled on the road with some of these shows and it's hard, it's hard to stay and do those jokes when you know like half the room's not into it or it's a booker that's doing you a favor. So you're like, it's tough.

It was a hard year doing that tour. I bet. None of these people really know me. Yeah, they don't know you and they're coming for knock knock jokes or four or five. Or whatever they think a woman is gonna do. It's like they're taking a chance on a woman and I'm disappointing them now.

You have to build his dark jokes or something, but then that becomes a problem, it's tough. Then they come for something different than she is. She's not trying, she just is this. I know, but it just, and that's why I was talking to Louis, he's like, well that's why me and Ari want to do this special for you, because we want you to have an audience

that like comes out to see you, and you know, it's just, I struggled on some of those shows where you're like, this is brutal. Yeah, for all the guys out there who have been accused of hating women comics, and like, you know, like women comics, like no, it's not, but it's like, they've been looking for one to really get behind.

This is that one. Here, here. This is what you'll look at on Netflix and go, oh right, yeah, I'm not misogynist, you've just been showing me fucking influencers. That makes sense. There's real club comic females that are hilarious. People love Jordan Jensen.

Like Jordan Jensen, I feel like people come up and be like, oh, she's great, so it's not a woman thing, it's just a subject matter. There's a lot of hilarious, you know. There's a lot. Michelle Wolf's a killer. That stereotype's old already at this point. It's like 20 years past, and they've all started doing open micers and grown.

Now they're all 15, 20 year comics. They know what they're doing now, but you're still being shown the wrong ones. Totally, totally. Did you ever have, cause you've been doing what, 20 years? 20 years, yeah. Did you ever have that because you've been doing what? 20 years. 20 years, yeah.

Did you ever have that, I better adapt, I better learn to be more mainstream? I don't know how. Like, there's a point where it's like, if I could be a straight hack, I would do it. Wow. Like, if I could just make money on the road, but like, my brain just doesn't work like that. Yeah. I mean, I guess to write hacky jokes is, yeah, I guess that's not necessarily it, but like,

to just think another way, it's like, I really can't. That's commendable, that's an artist. You do what you do, you know? Not to use the pretentious term of an artist, but you can't not be you. I think in a weird way, that's good and gonna propel you later. It sucks in the beginning. Hopefully.

I mean, it's like- Yeah, once you find your audience, then they'll come for that, then it's just game on. Sure. Just took 20 years. You're gonna have some young come for that, and it's just game on. Sure. It just took 20 years. You're gonna have some young female comic like, I just started, you're my hero, and you're like, well, bitch, get in line. That's a lot of times. This is what I had to do.

You're like Jackie Robinson. I am. It's funny when you just can't think in a different way. Jackie Robinson. You think of me. Yeah. Think of Jack K. Robinson. It's funny.

Do the Rosa Parks of comedy. It's funny if you watch the Jackie Robinson movie, like, they make it seem like three baseball games and like racism is cured. Like he's like, everyone hates him in them four games and everyone's like, yeah. It's just so funny. Well, we still wanna win.

Yes, we do. I have a joke I'm working on. I tried this joke the other night, I think, about like how I'll watch the WNBA, but like I feel like a real feminist when I watch it. Like, wow, I'm a great guy, but then the non-feminist comes out because I love basketball so much,

I'll be watching a game and I'll be like, it's a fucking open layup, you fucking dumb bitch, what the hell, make a shot. Yeah, that's equal. Right. But I love sports, that's the thing. Yeah. So it comes out, but I don't know.

You sent me a thing, or you sent it to the group chat about, it was one of the Oasis guys and he was like, the industry doesn't know what they want. You got to show them what they want or whatever. If you could find that. I sent you that, didn't I? Did you send me that? Yeah, yeah. I sent it to you too.

I sent it to you too. Yeah, it was Liam or Noel Gallagher. The funny one, I forget which one, I think Liam, but I'm not sure. Well, it's like you tell them fashion. If it doesn't work that way. Yeah, he goes, Dior doesn't ask, what do you guys wanna wear this year? Dior pushes a line, you catch up.

And then everyone likes it. And he goes, music should push the line. If you like it, come to us. To me, this is you in a nutshell. This is your comedy. His way is pure, but it's probably not making as much money. He goes, the audience is idiots. Not my audience. They're brilliant, but everyone else is his idiots. Yeah, so funny

It's so true. I mean he nailed it you got to show him because fashion is always avant-garde everybody goes Oh, I want to be cool I'll wear that and then that goes away and then something else flips and then you go with that Yeah, exactly, and it's like pushes it further and then you're like, well we hated this then, and you're like, all right, it's up to you, I'm not doing that. Right, you'll look it later. If you wanna direct a fucking documentary, do that.

But like, well that's not popular, like, all right. Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm doing. You gotta keep pushing it. If you can find, oh, there you go. I think that's it. That's it. Fuck the customer. Yeah. Yes, you found it.

Pull it up. Well they got him, and it changed the world And they can see we didn't want sergeant peppers, but they got it and they didn't want the sex pistols, but they got it Give it to him and he likes it and now there's an attitude in the music business where it's like Well, let's keep the consumer happy because that's what makes the music business go around Let's put it this way. If a fashion house is a record label, right? Like Dior or all those big fashion houses,

do you think fashion would stay the same if they asked the consumer what they wanted to wear next summer? Why fashion always moves forward and we all look different and have different aircocks and we're all different because fashion doesn't focus group it to its fucking customers. Customers are idiots.

99% of them are fucking idiots. You know, not my customers. They're fucking brilliant. They're brilliant. And I respect you, but the customers of other bands. Hey, that's you. I wanted to call my special initially tap dancing for retards. Yeah, it was definitely in the final two or three possibilities.

That's a great one. Because that's what you're doing. It's just like they're so stupid. It was also like we might have to put this on YouTube so we have to see if Netflix wanted it or not, but YouTube's not going to allow you to call it retards. I know, you could do tap dancing for it. When did Netflix become more agreeable than YouTube? Yeah, it's swapping.

At some point, I think they go back, you have to keep going back and forth, I think. Netflix does it in the booking, and then YouTube does it on the actual up there. Yeah. Once Netflix books you, they're like, do whatever you want, we're not gonna take anything down. That's true.

They're by their people. YouTube will be like, no one should see this, you're right. Right, right. But Netflix wasn't always that way. I mean, we just talked about her having to cut in the half hour. I think at this point, they just know that people being upset by stuff is helpful. And I think they're gambling on this. I have no following.

So I think between Louis and Ari and me, the jokes I think are good. I think they're just like, let's see what happens. It's like throwing shit to the wall. Yeah, forgot they're gonna be mad about Louis, they might also be mad about me helping them. Oh yeah, and I mean, and you are continually just doing wild stuff. Like I know at some point.

Kurt's kids are gonna boycott your premiere. At some point I'm gonna have to apologize for you. Oh yeah. No. Get them all ready, friends. What a silly world we live in, we're pretty like, ah, just in their house somewhere, and we're just telling jokes, having a good time.

That's the thing, we just want to have fun. Everyone is mad. Even like, even you taking a shit, it's like, it's for like a goof. It's a goof. Yeah, it's to make people laugh. Old man yells a clap. And if you get mad, you're the idiot.

You're the one wasting calories. Everyone's having a good time. Some people just go, mm, not drugs, not for me. And then a third group is mad about it. Yeah. You're like, wow, in the face of laughter, you're angry. And I'm not saying you can't be mad. People are like, oh, I can't get offended.

No, you can get offended. You're just dumber. You're just wasting your life. Also, it's like, OK, that's just not for me. Why are you using all this energy to be like, you're wrong. I don't want anyone to see this. It's like, just be upset or leave or whatever. I know, I know.

People that leave. I mean that's the thing. You have people that leave a show that. No, on their way out they disrupt the show. Right, but people that just leave a show who are like this isn't for me, I respect them so much as opposed to a person who has like, I hate you, you shouldn't be allowed to say that.

I gave a lady props once at the comedy store because it's just a mix of comics, 15 different comics and a mix of audience. No one's coming to see anyone specific, you know? And this lady was just snarling at me the comedy store, because it's just a mix of comics, 15 different comics and a mix of audience. No one's coming to see anyone specific, you know? And this lady was just snarling at me the whole time, 55, 60 years old. Her husband, I assume, was like smiling and laughing, but she was just mad.

Seven rows back, five rows back. I could see her the whole time, didn't yell. And at the end I was like, thanks, appreciate everybody, that's it for me. I was like, hey, before I go, there's a lady over here. And hey lady, you hated me, right? She goes, yeah, I did. And I'm like, okay, I can see it for sure.

That's a good title, you hated me, right? But I was like, but you kept it quiet. You allowed all these other people to enjoy the show. And guys, let's give this lady an applause for handling her hatred the right way. They all standing ovationed her at the comedy store. And she smiled and it was like, you did it right. You don't have to like me.

Yeah. Or sometimes someone will just be on their phone. Sometimes someone will be on their phone the whole time during your set and you're like, you're quiet. Yeah, you're quite creative. Be quiet. That's fine. You're allowed to hate me, I totally get it.

Be quiet. Be quiet. That's the type of disagreement, I mean, that's like something even like a microcosm for America. Yes. That's how it should be. Of course. If you don't like your neighbor like a microcosm for America. Yes! That's how it should be. Of course! If you don't like your neighbor, then just fucking keep it quiet.

Exactly. You don't have to have it out with everybody. Right. I mean, what if we do that with hot sauce? Hey, hot sauce hurt my mouth, get rid of all of it. No, just don't eat it. That guy won the lawsuit with McDonald's, remember? Oh, yeah.

The hot coffee. Hot coffee. I think it was an old lady. It was an old lady. Yeah. Yeah. Women. They complain much more. Yeah.

Plus she was old. I think all of her layers were out. Like I think you just lose layers and it's just equal and everything. That's true. You got weaker skin. Old ladies. Yeah. It burns off anywhere.

Yeah. Just yeah. Completely. It's actually, you know what my new move is? Whenever I'm in Brooklyn or something and people are getting all offended by my jokes, I go, boy, you guys are pretty conservative. And they're like, wait, what? I'm like, yeah, you're like Reagan's wife out here.

You're clenching your pearls. You're so scared of jokes. You're like the guys who got mad at Elvis for shaking his hip. And nobody wants to be a conservative, even conservatives. Yeah, their brain is like malfunctioning. They don't know how to handle it. Works like a charm. Negging people works.

Oh, it works. They kick you out. I'm a charm. Negging people works. Oh it works. They can kick you out. I'm like you're very Trumpian. You're actually quite like Trump. Yeah they don't like that. You know what's helpful is my friend came to see lesbian girls leadership like kind of came to see me at the comedy store a long long time ago as an employee. Holtzman went up.

You know how he is. I mean I watched him. I had to give a warning. She was offended by Holtzman. No, I watched him in Mothership. He did like 20 minutes about killing gay people. I mean, it was just so. At MSG for Kill Tony. And that's not what he said either.

At MSG for Kill Tony, he was like, fuck Billy Joel. There's people here who killed themselves because they had to work on the Billy Joel show. That is so great. He just makes me laugh so hard. Yeah, but I did tell my friend, I'm like, hey, oh, you might be offended by him.

I won't be offended, and just the warning, then she does like it, because she's like, I won't be that person. That's so smart to call them the servants. Interesting. Yeah, you're calling them out on it. That's why Dark Queen is good, you get it out there. They know I had it going.

It can't be upset. Why are you turning in for this? You can't be upset if you watch it. It's like Nashville hot chicken. You can't be like, ah! It's so hot. It's hot! It's called hot chicken.

Heart-hitting. Here at the, why? I'll be at the Ryman in May. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha There was one joke that he made more succinct and it worked a lot better. It was the same idea, I just had too wordy. I don't remember what the joke was right now. Interesting. He's so good at that. He's good. He sees it as like the biggie.

I mean he also, I guess because we wanted the comedy seller not to look like other people that have shot it there, so he extended the stage six inches and because I don't move a lot on stage, I just stood at the very top of it and they turned that light off, so it does look a bit different. It's like- It's moody.

If you see, did you watch the color? Yeah, it's beautiful, it looks beautiful. He wanted to look like a Bruce, Lenny Bruce special. He's like, showed me the one. He goes, I want to look like this in front of this bricky kind of wall. Is there a trailer or something? So they won't give me any clips for like two weeks out

and they won't let me post it until the day before. We'll give you one. Yeah, we'll give you one to play. Wait, are they letting me do something? My sister's a little bit trashier than me and I know that because after my dad died too I got a huge tattoo of my dad's face on her tit. Oh, that sounds terrible.

Well, it's supposed to be above our heart. Hold on. But the picture she used is so big that it just looks like a headshot. She was like, what are you gonna do for dad? I was like, nothing, you win. Dad loves you more. Is this the olive tree? Yeah.

Oh! Yeah, the real Stella. Smart move. See those gels on the side? It's all Lewy. Oh, the gold? Color in them, yeah. No more his hairline's receding. See those gels on the side? That's all Louis. The older you get, the more your tits are. Oh, the gold? Color them, yeah. The more his hairline's gonna recede.

No. That doesn't seem like a nice way to honor dad. How many shows you do? Four. Four. You know I see the tattoo when you dress as sexy, which I think is the best. They're putting, for the trailer, they're putting the personal jokes instead of the really dark jokes, huh?

Well, I guess you're gonna go to sleep tonight. No, they should go hard. Yeah, they should go harder than this. But they didn't let me pick those jokes. No, they never do. Yeah. Hit remind me there, Matt, just to make sure. Yeah, add one more, yeah, do a little remindy.

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this holiday season, gift yourself and your loved ones chubbies. It really is, it's solid stuff, I really like it. Well, that's all I wear. By the way, can I just say as a goy, I'm trying to work on my house, every six days is a Jewish holiday. They're like, oh, you can't come in today,

this guy, the roofer, it's a Jewish holiday. Why do you think we can't sell a fucking show? I know. Autumn is the worst. So many holidays. I'm like, I've never even heard a half of these. I'm a Jew. I'm like, that's a made up fucking holiday.

Yeah. You guys do have a lot of holidays. It's a lot. And you can say anything and I would believe it because I'm a big old Gentile. I'm like, oh, I guess so. I took a Hebrew class in college and the teacher was like, who's gonna be out for Passover? And everyone's like, I don't know. It goes, I guess so, ha ha. I took a Hebrew class in college and the teacher was like,

who's gonna be out for Passover? And everyone's like, I don't know, for real though, because I don't wanna change class, cancel class, and everyone's like, oh, cancel class, yeah, I'll be out. Yeah, Chabad of the River Town, what the fuck? There's something every day. That's just fucking, no, that's just his own personal

calendar. Look at this, calendar's got herpes, it's riddled with just, just dates. Sukka services, Hebrew school, subs in Sukka. Sukka, Rabah, Elver Sukka, services. Sukka hopping is the closest we got to Halloween. Ah, I thought it was Purim. Purim is dress up, Sukka hopping is get treats.

Ah. You go Sukka to Sukka, getting treats. I mean this is crazy to live your life like this. What does a Jew dress like, an athlete? Oprah's for Halloween. Somebody good looking. Full head of hair. I saw that guy coming after me and Ari.

Do you see that? What happened? Go to my Twitter for that picture. You put it up, it's so funny. Oh I saw that. Yeah. I got some nasty message about this. They're like it's anti-Semitic and I'm just like,

it's funny. Well yeah, that's where the joke is It's funny. Yeah, it looks we're making fun of what I go down a little more Yeah, I share a lot of other people there on there we go That's fucking Which one? Why didn't he tag Ari? I think I'm left. Why also, yeah, why spell it that way? That's why he thinks it's spelled.

I mean, it's close, it's close. I think I got it worse than Ari. Look at that. You did get it worse than Ari. Inbred. He's like the dude from Goonies. He's Beetlejuice, middle of changing. What the hell? In breadsteen. It is funny when they get you good. Yeah. Most of them are pretty shit. When you get a good one I'm like

I'll give it. It makes you chuckle. You're mad but it's still like that's pretty nice. That's how Peter saved it. He's like I'll need that later. You're gonna bring that back. That's a good time. Yep. Well are you doing the new stuff on the road right now? Are you working stuff out? I'm working stuff out. I kind of hate all of the new stuff. I like some of it but then I'm doing like stuff about the election and stuff that I'm gonna lose anyway. So it's kind of a waste. Yeah. But. I'll tell you, I think this is gonna turn your whole

career around just because people are gonna come out to see you now and then you can be you. That would be nice. So you get out of 300 people, you're gonna get 50 to 100 at least who are like, I'm here for this. They start laughing, the rest are gonna go, that's the clue that this is a joke. That's like you just get 30% of the audience that we're in.

It is contagious. Right now I'll ask an audience, it's like five just 30% of the audience that was in. It is contagious. Right now I'll ask an audience, it's like five people know why. Five people are there for me. There you go. I'll always ask because I'm curious. This is gonna flip the script, now they're gonna come out to see the dark.

Oh boy. Adrienne, by the way, until she fills up her calendar, is gonna be doing a lot of gigs opening for me on my tour. That's right. Pull them up, like plug some dates here. But, but, you you gotta, yeah, you gotta tell me which ones you want. Be great if it was just the same picture from before.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. The farewell tour, when are you coming back? 2027? 2027, yeah. What? I can't believe that. Taking some time off. Two years?

Yeah, maybe. Two years off the road. What if the infies are good again next year? I'll be watching it from fucking Cambodia or some shit. Are you still going to Cuba? Yeah, I'm going to Cuba. No power, me and Bobby just went for the election. Really? To avoid it, yeah.

Whoa. No election is here. I heard it's not that fun. It just kind of shut down and closed. I'll probably do most of these dates with you. I don't really have anything. Okay, well come to Pittsburgh with me. What do we have?

Lake Tahoe, Navarro, Ari, December 21st. Pittsburgh, Providence, Atlanta, Seattle, Vancouver, Edmonton, Calgary, Portland, Denver, Tampa, Salt Lake, San Antonio, that's about, that's probably good. Nashville, Tampa, Denver, all over. Hell yeah, hit me up with that Tahoe gig, I wanna do that. Okay. I mean, who's that guy? I'll ask him when I'm there, I'm Denver, all over. Hell yeah, hit me up with that Tahoe gig. I wanna do that.

Okay. I mean, who's that guy? I'll ask him when I'm there. I'm almost there right now. Throw him out there. Yeah, it was the last minute out. I'm gonna be there skiing anyway. And I was like, hey, see if you can get me something.

Yeah. Sweet. I didn't know there was a room out there. Yeah, I'm doing, I'm pulling a real Mark Norman move. I'm gonna be down for a wedding in Florida, so I'm surrounding it with That's a good way to pay for the flight punch up dot live slash are you Shafir slash tickets Yeah, but we're not here for me today. We're here for agent. Yeah

Yeah, but I'm gonna go on the road. Oh, yeah It's for both of us. Yeah, it is for both of us I remember when I did the degenerates and we did that show in Atlanta and you were like everyone was so happy to see you. Yeah they were stoked. Yeah. They've gotten you now and my audience has gotten you now enough. They're like oh sick I was hoping to be her. I'm sure some are like uh bummer.

But I would always get like Abrams brother came to DC Improv and he was like hey who opened my brother can't stop talking about who the opener was he wants to know the name. It's like I would get that all the time. And there was these five minutes of like, out of your 20, especially when it was just me and you, out of your 25, that would be like, what the fuck is this? She's not talking about periods. And then like, slowly they're like, oh.

And then the chuckles would start about four and a half, and then it would just be crushing when they're like, oh, she's not serious. Yeah. Oh yeah, that's true. You don't know what I'm, right, that's true. I also think when you get to theater stuff, you're gonna really crush it,

because I think dark in a theater is way better. Yeah. Because there's a little, the lights are out, we're all here for this. Distance. It, no, yeah, the club, they're like, they can see you, the lights are on a little more. I think they're more self-conscious.

Maybe, I could tell. Yeah, I could see like an audience feels uncomfortable to laugh. Yeah, you said it well. We did the Greek with Burt, and you went really dark, and you're like, I think they like the dark stuff because you're like, I can't believe you're saying that to this many people. Oh yeah.

And it hits harder. In abortion joke, we're gonna fucking applause break in the Greek. Yes. There we go. How big is the Greek? Six thou. Maybe more.

Maybe more. I mean, agent MSG opening for Louie in the round. And none of them know her. None of them. You killed. That was fun. Had to go on after her fucking legendary jazz musician son. And then Ravi Coltrane, yeah. And then, but once you start talking about like,

how come 9-Eleven didn't free up more parking spots? And they're just like, die, they're so in. Well, it's also New Yorkers who are fighting for parking spots. It's like the like, die, they're so in. Well it's also New Yorkers who are fighting for parking spots, it's like the worst. Right, that's great. But you can easily see them going like, we don't joke about that, but they're like. Not Louis, Louis' audience is whatever

I think my audience would be. Yeah. Sometimes your audience, I feel like, is a little too right for me. Too correct? No, like a little, and then I would open for Patton in his audience, sometimes would be too left. It depends, you know, it depends where you're at.

It's all about the middle, baby. The middle. Middle's good. Malcolm in the middle. Damn, my audience is too right. Italy. Sometimes, not all the time. But you could just see they're just like not happy

I'm up there. I forget what show I did with you, they were like not happy. I think it was Wisconsin or something. I had two specials. I think they're just not happy. I think it was Wisconsin or something I had a two specials. I think it's not happy Wisconsin Now they loved him. I Forget where we did or maybe I was also going through a breakup So it was not oh my god, do you remember that those sets are either like magical or the worst sets you'll ever get?

Yeah, we find some sometimes you're trying to make jokes out of it and they're just way too dark You have pretty dark jokes, too. Yeah, but during out of it and they're just way too dark You have pretty dark jokes too, yeah, but during a breakup want they're just blunt I don't think that I'm dark I'm just blunt During a breakup you're like hey you ever see a woman take all your fucking stuff and leave you and don't give you spare Keys now you gotta change your fucking locks Wait, you gotta pull up the Geraldo joke where he goes off on his ex-wife on Conan. Oh really? I mean it's a great bit but it's just a long rant. Oh it was a great punch at the end. God he was so good. I mean good luck you gotta find it in there but at some point. I would write

in breakup joke or something or no wife I don't fuck. It's one of those. Wife, I don't fuck. Wife fight, wife fight. He had a couple, his son works at the cellar, it's so great. Yeah, they're good kids. But yeah, sorry, you're gonna have to dig a little bit. Yeah, it's a great joke and it's to your point. It's about the misery of the road and just. Trying to keep a relationship alive. And just, yeah, and just the fights you have

when she's just like, because I relate so hard to that, anyone in a relationship where they're like mad, you're not checking in enough, but you just like, because I relate so hard to that, anyone in a relationship with a like mad, you're not checking in enough, but you're like, you don't understand, the day is gone like that. Yeah, man, it's too late. You wake up at three o'clock.

Not with little Gary. Gary gets going. Let's work out at eight a.m. And I'm like. Gary works out? At eight a.m.? Gary's kind of, he's jacked. What does he lift, pencils?

He lifts the menu for the meals he makes. I think you gotta get menu for the meals he makes. Oh, there it is. I hate going on the road too, Buttercup, but I'm just trying to earn a living here, okay? And I'm getting drunk is the only way I can anesthetize myself enough to entertain a bunch of freaks that I have absolutely nothing in common with. You would think you as my wife

would show one shred of compassion. Well, I never would have married you if I knew you were gonna go on the road and get drunk all the time. I never wanted to get married in the first place. You pressured me to get married, now I gotta feel guilty about trying to do the time. I never wanted to get married in the first place. You pressured me to get married and now I gotta feel guilty about trying to do the one thing I know how to do to support my family.

Did I forgive you when you slept with my friend because it's so lonely and I'm on the road all the time? That's dark. Have you had that one? You know what's beautiful about that is like, that wasn't written. You know he just snapped one night on stage and killed and he was like, oh shit

I got a new bit. Yeah Damn, he was good. And also just to build up of this insane personal bit and to end it with have you had that? Yeah Nelson is the only guy in the cellar he would he would be like I gotta go watch really yeah in the cellar he would be like, I gotta go watch. Really? Yeah. Cause he was so real, the jokes were great, the writing was great, but he was so dark.

The only time I met him was when he judged me on Last Comic Standing correctly for being terrible. That was really disheartening. Who, Geraldo? Yeah, I was like worried and trying to change stuff last second and there's literally zero audience for me to three camera guys. I had a good interaction with him on Last Comic Standing.

It was him, Natasha, and what was the other guy's name? Kindler. Kindler, yeah. I love all of them, well, I didn't know. I was being pretty dark, and they were like, I don't know if they were like, do what? I was doing something about being a nanny or something. They just had a good back and forth with me. Oh, nice.

I met him when I was really young. I just went to see him at comics. It was before the time we went to see him, Mark. I went to see him for this stand-up show. Papa was on it, Bobby Kelly was a great show. And but Geraldo fucking got a stand, you know. Wow. It was crazy. He's so funny.

And Ray Allen was hosting it, and he knew I loved Geraldo. He was like, do you wanna meet him? And I was like, really? So I got to talk to him for a couple of minutes and he was just very nice. Sweet guy. Yeah.

Yeah, great comic. Damn. Underrated. Underrated, I'd say, you're right. He had a moment where he was rated but then people just forgot about him. Yes, yes. Is that The Wall of Dead?

Yeah. Is his son funny? I gotta get up there. I don't know. His son's got some jokes, yeah, he's got some funny stuff. You know, it's probably a good and bad thing to have that last name, because people in the business will be like, oh shit.

But then also, you're brand new. So yeah, he's a- Your audience doesn't know anything. Yeah. Isn't it Greg too? Isn't it Greg that's doing it? Definitely. Yeah, my agent repped Greg,

so he was like, I'm keeping an eye on him. Like that. Oh, that's nice. Well, on that note. It's nice he wants to make money off of me. I'm keeping an eye on him, it's like, you just want to make money off of him. No, he's got money.

He's, this is a, yeah, there we go. Hey. What? That's him? Yeah, he looks like him. That's the one that worked at the cellar? Yeah. He did for a minute and then his other brother was there too.

Oh, that's the one. I know the other brother. That's what I know. He had seven kids. No, he did have seven kids. That's crazy. Doesn't he have a lot of kids? No.

I can tell you. His wife's were hot. That's it, I'm talking about the kids' mom. What has this podcast evolved into right now? I'm just saying, right? Let's cover our neighbor's wife. How do your agents keep watching his wife too? There you go.

Oh. Brrrrr. Yes. Dark Queen, November 12th, it's already out. Go watch it. Go watch it, tell your friends, watch it till the end, just let it press play and keep going. That's how you help the algorithm there.

YouTube algorithm helps with comments. Netflix algorithm goes just let it play. If you're like, I'm gonna finish this later, let it all play out and then find the spot you left off on. Turn the TV off, let the Apple TV keep going. And if you tap out, let me know what joke got you to tap out. That's another one.

I wish there was a way to comment, like I had to stop at this point. I had to stop at this point, yeah. Don't you have a special cooking with them as well? January, January. Oh. Yeah, I don't know the exact date yet. Soon though.

That's exciting. Fuck up. You're pumping them out already. You know the date. Jew 2 electric Boogaloo. Electric Boogaloo. The bargainator. Use that guy's photo for it.

Oh, I gotta do that for the cover. One of the covers is just me back. All right. Where you at there, Sam A? Hilarities, November 24th through 23rd. Then I'm not really hitting it hard till February, but we're going hard then. Charlotte, Richmond, Philly, Washington,

Bethlehem, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, NOLA, Memphis, Knoxville. This goes on for a while. That's why I'm a tabernacle in Atlanta. Yeah, tabernacle sick. I was just online with a guy who's from Atlanta, was talking about it. Oh, and we got Durham, Atlanta, Birmingham,

you see all this shit. I mean, you get it. I'm coming to your fucking city. Toronto, yeah, Montreal, all this shit. Samorail.com slash shows or punchup.live slash samorail slash tickets. On the bus for pretty much all of these. They're doing the Masonic in, wow.

I'm pumped for that one. That's a big one, bro. That's like five, six thousand. No, it's like 23, I think. 23 hundred. I did that for, like they have a New Year's or Christmas show every year with like a group of comics. That's a fucking big one, bro.

It's a good one. It goes this way and this way. I'm excited. Legendary. I fucking love SF. I hope it's doing all right. I haven't been there in a couple years, but- San Francisco's coming back. Don't believe the hype. I love it. I hope it's doing alright. I haven't been there in a couple years, but uh. San Francisco's coming back. Don't believe the hype.

I love it. I know. The fucking media does it. Yeah, no, it, it, it, it, tech left them for dead. Forget the homeless, tech left them for dead. Yeah. But now the cool people move back in, all the artists move back in. It's, it's, it's about to be the San Francisco that we started in.

Hopefully. Early 2000s where it's just cool before it got rich. I just did Oakland and we drove into San Francisco to do spots and it felt good. Lost the A's, they gotta come out to comedy. Marv, where you gonna be? Where you gonna be, Marv? And the Men the Warriors and the Raiders.

Raiders are cool. Tough time, and in and out. They left, they left. All right, it's a magical city. What do you got, dude? To make things disappear. Hey, we are in, Asheville got canceled, we're doing Protect Our Parks.

NOLA, Providence, I'm back in the clubs. I just did seven. How fun are they? At Cleveland, it's the bag. I'm doing Providence too, it's so fun. It's so fun. We did the 4pm show. That'll sneak up on you.

Wilt Berry, Inglewood, New Jersey, Houston, Texas, at the Improv, Phoenix at Stand Up Live, Dallas at the Improv, Nashville at the Ryman, and then a child, so a lot of stuff going on. You want a babysit there, Darkey? All right, we'd love to have you. Thanks for, Bodega Cat Whiskey. Drinking bodegacatwhiskey.com. It's at the stand now.

It's coming every, it's everywhere. New York Comic Club, Cellar. It's got a new Bushwick bar, Peter Luger.com. It's at the stand now. It's coming everywhere. It's everywhere. Man, New York Comic Club. It's got no Bushwick Bar, Peter Luger. Oh! It's at Strip House. Woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo See you on the road guys, see you next' And naked Samuel is feelin' dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true