We Might Be Drunk - Ep 219: Nick Swardson

Episode Date: February 17, 2025

Nick Swardson joins on this new episode, he was gracious enough to take the trip up the 16th flights of stairs at the studio. We also get a short pop-in from Ari Shaffir at the end of the episode. Check out Nick on tour and stream Ari's new special on Netflix "America's Sweetheart" Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD  WMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ WMBD Clips Page: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Nick Swardson: http://nickswardson.net Ari Shaffir: https://www.arishaffir.com Sam Morril: YouTube Channel: @sammorril Instagram: https://instagram.com/sammorril Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: YouTube Channel: @marknormand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets We Might Be Drunk is produced by Gotham Production Studios https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ @GothamProductionStudios Producer Matt Peters: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #wemightbedrunk #marknormand #sammorril #podcast #drunkpodcast #comedy #comedian #funny #gothampodcastomedy Tour Dates Announcement

Let me know when we start. I've already started. Oh you did? Oh okay. Hey hey. Hi. Yeah so you walked up 16 flights to be here. Yeah.

Claustrophobia? Yeah, it's claustrophobia. Yeah. Yeah, really claustrophobic. Keeps you thin. It does, I'm really really thin. 16 floors folks. 16 floors. I'm really, really thin. Sixteen floors, folks. Sixteen floors.

This must be a problem for you. I didn't know that. It's an issue. It's the biggest issue in New York. That's like the big... Everywhere else is easily accommodating, but the buildings... People are really weird about stairwells. The guy when I was like, oh, I'm going to take the stairs, and he's like, 16 flights. And I was like, oh I'm gonna take the stairs, and he's like 16 flights. And I'm like yeah.

And he goes okay, do you want, do you want to just take the elevator? And I go oh no that's the point, I just don't take elevators, I'm really claustrophobic. He's like okay. And then so you wanna get let in the stairwell, and then how, and then you're gonna go up. It was like literally people look at me

like I'm an insane person, which it is insane. It walks 16 flights. But I mean, people can never wrap their head around it. They're just like, why don't you just take the elevator? It's like, okay, why don't you just not do heroin? Right, right. Is this hard in hotels on the road? Yeah, but I usually, I'll call ahead, I'll make make sure you know what I mean. I'll stay at basic hotels

I don't care yeah, but does this hurt your career like what if you're the yeah building really held it back I was up for all the avatars The nut the last thing was you had to take an underwater elevator Mission impossible six dude he was taken over for Tom Cruise. Oh my god Philadelphia. Yeah. I had to get on the AIDS elevator. Damn it. Galifianakis has a similar thing. He does? I don't think he can, I remember in Kings of Comedy or whatever that was called. Comedians of Comedy. He's white. But he took, he wouldn't take the elevator. I didn't know that I know Zach really well pull it up I think you have a new story about him in your in your hour. It's hilarious. Oh, yeah

I've got a lot of Zach stories one of them There's one I didn't tell but um so Zach and I used to live in New York back in the late 90s And we would do this thing when we would we couldn't afford to go home for Christmas We'd be stuck here for Christmas, and we walk around and you know, we're in our like early 20s Mm-hmm and just unassuming just dorky guys and we would walk down the street and we would point to a guy And it would have to be one of the most intimidating Just like thuggy mobster just anybody that just looks like

Intimidating and we would be like, okay You got to go do it to that guy. And so then we would, me or Zach, whatever, would walk up to this person, and in the thickest, like, Italian accent, walk up to him and go, hey, how you doing? You have a good Christmas, okay? You have a good Christmas.

We'd shake their hand, and they would be so disarmed, because it was so weird, and they'd be like, yeah, okay, you too. So... It didn't disarmed it was so weird and they'd be like, okay you too Just didn't matter who was like that guy you gotta get that guy that's fun stuff Yeah, it was debauchery just pure debauchery Well, they said in the old days Charlie Chaplin Buster Keaton would dress up like hobos and see who get more money That was their day. That's fucking insane. I thought they hated each other though pull it up No, they didn't they did that final movie limelight together. Oh

Yeah, there you go, but I'm a big chaplain fan huge. I'm a big Keaton fan. Are you really oh yeah? I always debate that with people they're both great. They're both great. Yeah, they're both great But chaplain stunts are insane didn't Keaton break his neck on a stun. Yes. He did which one was it Do you remember I think was something with the train where he hit like a bar? It was a bar over the train and he hit it and broke his back. He fell backwards Yeah, his technical stunts were insane Yeah, I just think was a bet like a better comedian just yes you physically and just he was just hilarious He is one of my favorite. I was gonna bring this up because you were talking about movies earlier, Sam.

One of my favorite movies, which is a deep cut on Chaplin, is called The Circus. And it's one of his feature length films. And he does a bit where he's on a tightrope and they just unleash these spider monkeys on him. And so he's on this tightrope and he's got these monkeys. And you know, they have no idea what the monkeys are gonna

Do yeah, they're crawling all over him and like biting his nose what and he's in character And he's so committed and he's also on a fucking tight rope yeah, and so but he's got Yeah, wait, and Jimmy Fallon can't get through a scene without breaking. Yeah, come on See the wire yeah That like that's easy right right I mean obviously I'm sure that's Shit oh we love it. Oh No, what a premise. This is like a squid game more than a comedy movie Yeah, so it's just no idea what these

My god Wow What a badass yeah, yeah scary that would be yeah, you have no idea This is pre the monkey ripping the ladies face off in the 90s. Yeah, did you watch that doc? No? I couldn't do it my god. Oh, they're gonna bite his dick aren't they they eat him out Yeah, but how amazing is that? Wow, that's crazy wow yeah Keaton can't fucking do them. Oh come on Crazy Wow yeah Keaton can't fucking do that. Oh come on fuck

No, he's great. He's funnier though, but Keaton's more maybe more impressive physically He's stunt wise yeah, the technical stunts yes wrecked by them from this era Dana Gould turned me onto a great book called frame up about fatty Arbuckle. It's insane. Oh wow really framed. It's incredible Oh, I want to yeah, I'd love to read that. It's so cool I know Chris Farley really wanted to play a fatty our buckle in a biopic would have been so cool Yeah, he was like obsessed with it. He really wanted that to be like a turning point for him. Mm-hmm So that would have been really badass. Yeah, but the monkey thing you were talking about So I remember I was gonna do a bit about it, but there was there was another monkey story. That's the one about um That's one re broke his neck. Yeah, hold on and

Spray oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. I remember that the water pressure falling on the train tracks by the way Yeah, that's got it. We just broke his neck and he got right up What an animal no workers comp no benefits nope What an animal no workers comp no benefits nope All right, sorry no that's fine mark. It's fine monkey monkeys is no so there was a Oh, sorry Yeah, sorry it's just on the brain Yeah, no there was a story that I was obsessed with about a guy as it was a couple that had a monkey, and I guess it was in a kennel, loosely paraphrasing,

but I guess they went and brought the monkey a birthday cake, it was a monkey's birthday, and they brought the monkey a birthday cake, and this is what was told, another monkey, they said, got jealous that the other monkey got a birthday cake, and then attacked the guy holding the cake, and then did what monkeys monkeys do instinctively ripped off his genitals bit off his fingers and his nose I guess that's their go-to right there go to thing yeah yeah so like

that's what he did to this guy and it's all because he brought the monkey a birthday cake which Wow yeah you've got I don't know there's so many layers of that of like I don't know why you would bring a monkey birthday cake, which... Wow! Yeah, you've got, I don't know, there's so many layers to that of like, I don't know why you would bring a monkey a birthday cake. Right. Is the monkey, the other monkey really jealous? I don't know how they know that. And you think he'd attack the other monkey,

not the guy who brought the cake. Yeah. Well, the monkey didn't do anything, it was just his birthday. I guess so. Just the guy who did the thing, you know? Yeah. It's also fire, so the monkey's gonna panic about that.

Oh, right, fire. But here's the thing the monkey did. he blew out the candles and made a wish No way They found the wish and the wish was to fucking eat a nose and dick sandwich there was a lot more monkey comedy I think that's gone by the wayside me with PETA we had like There was that movie with Alan Cumming and he and then that that's what the doc is about the woman Took that monkey and kidnapped that monkey What? The monkey's like getting old Alan Cumming was like part of trying to find this monkey because he bonded with the monkey

What? It's crazy. It's a crazy story. I just thought he was gay. There's a whole doc About it, it's crazy. What's it called? It's monkey something. It's on Max Chimp Empire Chimp create. It's like the tiger king for this woman. You're gonna hate this woman. She's in I already do I don't even need to watch it. Yeah Oh there you go. He's really branching out yeah Blonde white trash people love animals and hamster haywire Gerbil they don't with Richard gear now too soon

God mark you really jumped on that one in 88 fuck you're not afraid By the way his career has ever the same that really hurt his career I don't think that's true mark. He's doing all right Maybe one Richard Gere moving the last ten years. I think the durable thing was out there for a while though Clearly it still is I've got you guys on Mark's brain 24-7 you all got the reference Yeah, we did immediately who that guy can't just walk into a pet go and look at Exactly you can't know Nothing yeah, if I were him I would do that. I would just double down triple down

I would be like one of those pied pipers like Turbils just constantly just rubbing in people's faces and just cut a hole in your pants just just to trick people You know he know moving to Spain Maybe ah that's durable country. No, but they don't know that is yeah Exactly, it's like Woody Allen going to London Your space bar and then the first first first. Thank you. No his wife is jealous Before me his wife in her inner gerbil suit Oh, yeah. Before me?

The gerbil's before me? Or his wife in her gerbil suit. Just a giant tube. Good God. I've looked into this. I think you have to de-claw them if you're going to do that. The gerbils? Yeah, because they'll just tear you up from the inside.

I don't think you have to look into that to figure that out. Wow, an amateur would just get a gerbil and he'd be done with it. Damn amateurs a pro That's a sad reddit thread you God the gerbil people who was once any part of anal claws I like that now. I'm hard. I'm hard. Oh my god Gerbil yeah, so yeah elevators. I hate. That's crazy. Has anyone ever been like, not understood it, been like what the fuck?

Yeah, non-stop. Yeah. It's like, it's amazing. I don't understand why they have a stop button on an elevator, do you know why? I don't know why, I'm actually asking that. We got the Google box. Why the fuck, why would you wanna stop an elevator?

Maybe a berth? I feel like they only use it. No, I think you'd wanna expedite that. That's a it's always in like a in like a movie like speed or heat or right like we got to get out early you know something like oh the cops need it feel like it's only used for illegal things yeah like we got to circumvent yeah the law halt the elevator in case of a critical situation allowing passengers safely but why wouldn't you exit safely on the floor? Yeah, why wouldn't you want to get out?

Wait, you know this is a true story that happened to me So really really high-end hotels which I don't stay at I like staying like Marriott's me too But um really high-end hotels are they're fucking impossible stairs. They're like all locked down. It's super difficult So I was filming a movie in Boston and they put me up at the Ritz Hotel and I was like I don't need that. I go I can just stay at you know the Marriott and they're like no and I'm like okay all right fine. So I acquiesced. Yep. But we stayed there and my friend Jay Galvin was with me and we had to take the elevator and we're going down from my floor and all the sun just goes

Yep, and stops. Oh good, and with and I'm not embellishing this on a fucking dime He goes do don't freak freak out I grab the doors and I fucking rip them open and I'm not joking and it was halfway to the lobby And I'm screaming it was like out of a Keanu Reeves movie. I'm like jump jump to the lobby and I'm screaming. It was like out of a Keanu Reeves movie. I'm like, jump, jump. And Jay's like, what the fuck are you doing? And I'm like, jump, now.

And he fucking dive rolled into the lobby. And then I dive rolled into the lobby. And I was like shaking and he was like, what the fuck just happened? And I'm like, I have no idea. I have no idea what happened. You got like mom strength. Yeah, it was like surreal when you hear stories like that.

It really happened to me. It happened once in a Tacoma, you would have freaked out. I was with my buddy Gary Veeder when at Tacoma elevator and it's like 12 drunk people on the elevator and they're like jumping up and down. Oh, what is that?

And we're like, and Gary and I are like, what the fuck? And then the elevator got stuck and it was Gary and I ripped the fucking thing open and we're like yelling at these guys, I did have a vision of like me After you gave me your bags to take up in the elevator. I was like fuck something's gonna happen Yeah, yeah, I always think that when I do it. It's gonna happen. You know what I mean, right? That's why I'm like and and your elevator doors are the ones that are like a tomb Ah they just are like mmm right and then you're in there for life.

Are we looking at bad elevator things here? Oh God. How hard was it to pull them open? You wanna pull up my fucking dad-dying too? Jesus Christ. Are you weird on flights or just elevators? I had a problem on flights. I had to get over it.

Well that bathroom is tiny. Yeah. Well I was like, I've stopped flights before. I stopped a flight on a tarmac. What? It was a commuter flight, flew was like, I've stopped flights before. I stopped a flight on a tarmac. What? It was a commuter flight, flew into Minneapolis, and I just pop over to Michigan to do a college.

And I'm sitting there in the window seat, and it was a tiny plane, and this large man sits next to me, and I'm kind of like against the window. And I start hyperventilating, and I just literally, I just go, Stop! Stop! We're taxiing off the gate. And I go, nope! And the stewardess is like, what do you mean? And I go, off, I gotta get off. And she was like, are you sure?

And I'm like, yep, I'm outta here. And they had a taxi back, plane was livin'. And I felt really bad for the big dude next to me because he just knew that it was him just like, just jirbling me into the fucking Declined me into the window right right yeah, but that's got to suck to be so fat you trigger someone's phobia Yeah, totally that's a bummer. Yeah poor guy man. He's probably dead. I want to try pulling the doors open How hard is that it's not that hard okay?

Well, I think the fear has to, that's the impetus to really... I wonder if the gerbil did that with the asshole. Oh, yeah. Dope out. Pretty sweet. I would want to. That asshole's so tight. Oh, you know it.

Because you've got to squeeze to keep him in. Because he's going to be trying to burrow out of there. Just survival instinct. He's got all the PR. Yeah, he's not having a cigarette. They were not able to squash that shit. I know! How do you not squash? It was pre-internet, so word of mouth, you can't squash.

Yeah, that's true. The other one was Jamie Lee Curtis from Aphrodite. Yes! Then there was Richard Gere drinking the cum. Rod Stewart. Rod Stewart, sorry. I'm obsessed with Gere. We'd love to have you on Rich.

Also, Richard Gear fucked a baby at some point. I heard that too. Richard Gear orchestrated 9-11. Fucking insane, this guy is a troll. I heard he started the fires in LA. My god, gear dial it down a gear. Take it down a gear. There we go.

Richard, you fucking dick! Hey, is your house alive. Yes, all right Thank God. Yes, it's still alive. Sorry if your house unburned Yeah, no, it's okay, but a lot of people have you been back since no I fly back tonight whoo Yeah, Harry Thanks, well your house is there so you're good. Yeah, I just won't get on a fiery elevator. I don't understand people. One of my friends took me to some rich dude's house for some after bar. And he had an elevator, and it was literally the size of a coffin.

And they all thought it was hilarious, and it only fit three people. And they all piled in in drunk and it got stuck and they were like stuck for 40 minutes. Wow. And I was like other people were at the party like what the hell and they called the fire department I was like why would you even risk that? Yeah. Some of those houses have but it's always the shittiest elevator. Oh yeah. What the fuck? Yeah. Buried alive. You can process that, exactly. You're buried alive. There's one story that's the worst thing I've ever heard. Lay on me.

Happened in New York, and you can look it up, and it's a real story about a fucking dude, Richard Gere, no. This guy got stuck in an elevator for three and a half days. Oh! And it's 100%, the guy was on Oprah, made national news. He left work on Friday in Manhattan, left work on a holiday weekend. Yeah.

And then forgot his phone, went back up, and the elevator got stuck. Oh my god. And everybody had left for the weekend. Oh! And he was there for three days. What a nightmare! And they show a time lapse. He's trying to go to the bathroom.

He's trying to like ring the bell. He's trying to get out of the roof. Wow. He was there for three days. He was like, yeah, I had no idea what was going on. I had no idea what day it was or anything. Holy shit. That sucks, but it's not like that James Franco thing

where he like would gnaw his arm off. It's not like an inspiring story. It's just shitty. Just shitty. Right, yeah, no, it's just terrible. That just sucks. Yeah. Shit in the corner.

Oh my God, this is it? This poor guy. I would go up the ceiling Yeah, I'm like how was there not like some kind of trap door. Oh, don't they have they have to have them don't they yeah? Oh Man and no phone you can't look at it. Yeah Yeah, there's no phone. He's on Tinder. Yeah, right? Oh Yeah, yeah, then open with the door thing there, right there. Yeah. Didn't open though.

But the floors are too wide. Three fucking days. Unbelievable. This isn't an hour or two hours, three days, and he had a Snickers and a Gatorade in his backpack. Wow. So A, I guess that kept him kind of alive, but I don't even know how you ration that.

Right. And you probably think, oh, I'll be out in a few hours. I'll be out in, yeah, so I'd have it immediately probably. Same. Horrible snickers commercial. Or, or. Or Gatorade. In the fetal position is the rough part.

Like, look at that. Oh, poor guy. Yeah, like what do you do? Like, you have no idea what, oh my god, it's the worst. They do this in prison. They put you in the box if you're bad. This was like Shawshank. Yeah, you're in solitary. Yeah. Oh do this in prison. They put you in the box if you're bad. This was like Shawshank. Yeah, you're in solitary.

Yeah. Oh, this poor guy. Yeah. Great way to get people to lose weight though. Your wife puts on a few, you throw it in an elevator, it shut down. Yeah, you take the stairs. Yeah.

Oh my God, was that, wait, so that's where someone found him? Yeah. At 40? Oh, I would blow that guy. Oh, yeah. Wow. I mean, you could sue for that, I would blow that guy. Oh, yeah. Wow. I mean, you could sue for that, I assume.

I mean, I was wondering, you can probably. Yeah. Yeah, look that up first. That's insane. That's emotional distress and damage. That's horrible, boy. No one comes in on a weekend? Right, and it's MLK, that fucking asshole. It would be great if he was fucking in the fetal position.

People came in and out. I mean. It's like drunk people came in and out That would happen in New York you just step over him yeah, totally some homeless you could potentially sue instead. Oh come on Oh 40 hours you said three days 40 hours is awful, but it's nice wait 40 hours That's about two days almost oh, I thought alright. That's not that bad. I'm just kidding two million dollars two mil Okay, would you do it for two mil already hours if I gave you two mil right now to sit in that elevator for hours I would do it drug myself and just sleep That's true, but no phone you gotta know but you can't know that it's gonna happen though

So at some point so you could have diarrhea Sam Good point we all know so you'd be painting the wall. Yeah, you can't prep for it be a Pollock paint I just say pull my pants. I'm like fuck you just spray the camera with your turds We did a movie the longest yard Oh, yeah, we filmed in Santa Fe and it was home to one of the worst I think it's the worst prison right in US history Whoa and so Adams partner paid his assistant to sleep overnight in a cell whoa, and he couldn't leave And it was like the most haunted violent prison and he spent an entire night in the cell that's that afterwards

I was like and he couldn't have a flashlight. He couldn't have a phone He couldn't have anything and I go what was that like and he couldn't have a flashlight he can have a phone he can have anything And I go what was that like and he was like I'm not doing that again Yeah, like a thousand bucks, and he was like yeah, there was a fucking horrible It's like I was like hearing shit, and it's like he was just like it was awful jeez Where's that memoir everybody's mad at Ellen this guy's putting people in a cell for a for a day Yeah, Ellen wow just saying that's a way worse was a prison Mark their world was a prison. That's true. How is that movie? Oh is that a fun one?

Yeah, that was fun. I was I wasn't in it, but I was just writing during oh hell. Yeah, that was a fun one I like that one Chris Rock. Yeah, Tracy Morgan Richard gear Yeah, Tracy Morgan Richard gear Make of leave it to beaver it was leave it to durable Richard gear as the gerbil you know they open up with that that big circle That's just his asshole, and that's the durable coming out to the day hello everybody, and it just pops out coming out to the day hello everybody and it just pops out

Blood everywhere it's kind of like the roundhog It's gonna be three more years of winter or whatever groundhogs gay there we go. It's a porno now now It's a porno well everything's a sequel anyway. No is a just getting calls. He's like you have Richard's not doing durable project Watching that right now This much time talking about I'm touching that right now. I never thought I would spend this much time talking about Richard Gere and Gerbil. Well this is why it's such a big big news story because it's got a lot of meat to the bone. Well not everybody knows it. My mom just texted me she watched Primal Field, what's Primal? Why can't I speak? I'm having a stroke, what the fuck?

My mom just texted me she watched Primal Fear, I got it. There we go. And she was like, he's still so handsome. And I was like, oh you don't know the Gerbil. That's a phenomenal movie though. Dude, he's still so handsome. And I was like, oh, you don't know the gerbil. That's a phenomenal movie though. Dude, Edward Norton's insane. Incredible movie. You wanna talk about it, if people haven't seen that, watch it just for Ed Norton.

He was totally unknown and beat out like everybody. Really? In Hollywood for that part. He beat out like Matt Damon, all these people. Yeah, it was like his first movie, I think. Yeah, it was incredible. Not to keep it on Richard Gere, but he used to fuck Robin Quivers really from Howard Stern

And also fuck Mike Tyson is that right Robin Givens? She's got a lot of range. No, that's different Oh She was hot. Oh Robin Quivers from Howard Stern yeah, oh I think they used to date and she said his penis was very disappointing Imagine saying that on the biggest radio show of all time. What did it have teeth and fur? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Richard. We're changing gears All right, well she said she saw his dick somewhere

I don't know if she fucked him But she saw I remember listening as a youth being they dated and she just saw it. That's it. Yeah Please okay, this is a gear heavy up. Yeah Not yet yours people Yeah, we'd love to have you on Yeah, come rebuttal rich. Yeah, we'd love to have you on by the way, I love you a big fan, so Oh, that's not alright. He's got a normal wang here. That's D. What the hell robin quivers. Yeah I want a fucking buff clit Bad pose little little fruity. Yeah, it's not great, but good-looking man. Oh, there's a winking at you there

It's a fucking legend the guy's a legend. I got nowhere else to go. That's what his dick saying right now Keanu Reeves gay scene oh man. How did I miss that movie? Also phenomenal movie great, great movie. River Phoenix? Ghost Fancy. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Great movie.

I'll check that out. Sam, you mentioned to me, you guys talk about movies a lot. Yeah, we do, a lot of wrecks. Like if you got a recommendation for the people. I got nowhere to go! That's fun. The gerbil said the same thing.

Yeah. But you do it. All right, that dick is I eyeballed me, please you have any do you have any wrecks? Yes, I do One of my favorite movies here we go from the makers of Napoleon Dynamite It's a movie called gentlemen Broncos. Mmm. You know it. No. Do you know it? called gentlemen Broncos you know it no you know it phenomenal movie came out after Napoleon didn't really do anything at all but it is so fucking good it's in the same vein of really dry quirky humor but uh it's Jennifer Coolidge

Jermaine Clement Sam Rockwell Michael Androno phenomenal phenomenal. Yep, Mike White. He's great. He's got the same vibe too. It's so good. Oh, I'm excited. I will check this out. I love Jermaine Clement, man. Jermaine's amazing, he's so good.

Flight of the Conchords was so funny. Yeah, you'll love this movie. Oh, all right. Kind of Wes Anderson meets Gummo. That's how I would describe this director. Just that person right there? Maybe that's just that kid. You're wrong.

You're wrong. Yeah, you're just going off the kid, man. Maybe I'm going off the kid, that's an ugly kid. What was your most fun movie that you, you've been in so many movies, what was the most fun one? Too many. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. Ah! Probably Charlie Chaplin's The Circus You've been in so many movies. What was the most fun one? Too many.

Probably Charlie Chaplin's The Circus when I was a monk. You were great in that. They're all so fun. They're all different. One of them, kind of a sleeper that nobody really saw was a movie called 30 Minutes or Less. And that was the director of Zombieland and it's me, Danny McBride, Jesse Eisenberg, and Aziz Ansari. Okay. And that was a blast. Yeah, we filmed in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Oh, nice. Madcap coffee. It didn't do well because we had a backlash, because there was an incident that's a real thing where these couple... Aziz, no, I'm kidding. Aziz, man, That's not man! That's me! I'm Sean of the Comedy Cellar!

Um, so, um, there was a real incident about a couple that, um, took this mentally challenged person and strapped a bomb around his neck and had him rob a bank. Whoa! And then the bomb detonated and the guy died. So the writer used the premise of strapping a bomb to somebody to have them rob a bank.

It's not based on what happened. But then people equated it to the movie. And like we were making fun of it, but we weren't. And it's a dark comedy. But the writer just used the premise of the bomb and somebody robbing a bank. But anyway, people were like, you guys are a piece of shit. It's like what the hell we didn't do anything Yeah, but it's also we don't it's not it's not making fun of anything, but that's it's a great movie, okay?

I'm me and Danny McBride are the bad guy. Oh The first time I've been a bad guy all right I'm down well. Yeah, you're fucking down that Eisenberg's a talent I mean he's annoying and whatever but he is he can write a movie. What are you his fucking grandfather? Well, just see that Eisenberg's a talent He's got some I like this movie What is it a real pain his new movie? I haven't seen it yet killer great great I remember I was on a flight with Jesse

and he was reading a script. And I go, oh, what are you reading? And he goes, it's the new Woody Allen movie. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? You have a fucking Woody Allen script on your lap right now. And he goes, yes. And I go, can I read it?

And he goes, I'm not supposed to, you know. And I go, okay. I goes, how is it? And I just would like pick his brain. Jesse's awesome by the way, he's one of my oldest friends. Yeah. But he was protective of it obviously. But I was like so enamored.

Let me switch gears here. Ooh. Get it? No, so there's a movie coming out called 28 Years Later. Based on 28 Days Later, which was critically acclaimed, also Danny Boyle, one of my favorite movies is 28 Weeks Later, the sequel to Days that people don't talk about enough.

The opening sequence to 28 Weeks Later, I think is maybe the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life. Really? It's the opening, you don't have to play it. It's the opening like 10, 12 minutes, and it is fucking horrific. I was so obsessed with it

that when I would have pregame parties at my house before we would go out, I would make people watch the first 10 minutes. What? I was so obsessed with it. So people would come over like all fired up and I'd be like, you guys, oh just wait, oh before we go on, let's just,

just 10 minutes real quick, watch this. That's scary. And it was just, people were like, oh. Wow. Oh God. And it would just ruin the mood and then we would go out. Scary than special? Okay.

All right, sorry. Cut that. Wait, I've never even seen 28 Days Later. It's really good, they're both great, but 28 Weeks is underrated. I heard somewhere that you almost were in Tropic Thunder, but weren't? Out. Yeah.

Several times. What happened? So, Bennett called me about being in Tropic Thunder, so it was like his pet like favorite thing and I was like yeah done. Which role was it Jack Black's role? Oh, and he wanted me to gain a hundred pounds no stairs and yeah stairs made out of doughnuts So I was like okay, but I'm like, 100 pounds. He's like, you can do it. We'll figure it out.

I'm like, okay. And then Sandler called me two days later. And he goes, hey, I'm doing this movie, The Zohan. I want to be in it. I play my best friend in the movie. And I'm like, okay. And then I called Ben back. And they shot at the exact same time. And then they were trying to... Ben's partner, Stuart, who has passed away,

was one of my best friends. And they were trying to, Ben's partner, Stuart, who has passed away, was one of my best friends, and they were trying to find something for me, but they were shooting in Hawaii, and we were shooting in New York, and it just couldn't, nothing could happen. And I loved the Zohan, it was great. But I loved Tropic Thunder, so it was like, it was just the worst timing of both at the same time.

I was like, fuck. Damn. Yeah. But Jack Black killed it. Oh, Jack was amazing. I mean, he was way more right for the part, but I was just honored that. Damn. Yeah. But Jack Black killed it. Oh, Jack was amazing. I mean, he was way more right for the part, but I was just honored that Ben, you know, thought excited Don Blades of Glory with his company.

Oh, right. Which is one of my favorite movies. That's a good movie. Yeah, you're the stalker. Yeah. Right. That's just a funny movie without me in it. That movie's fucking hilarious.

How cool is that? Saint-Law calls you. I know you're used to it now. You've been doing it 700 years, but they call you, you can be in a movie. You got it made. It's pretty fun. It's great. You shouldn't sluff that off. I'm not, Mark. I'm just saying. You should embrace that. Anyway, I just said they were both great. I was excited. I just want you to know how cool that is. What, were there any other ones that almost happened but didn't happen that you're like, fuck?

I don't know Mark are there? Well let's see Jesus fucking Grandma's boy was great Thank you Um Classic What were you asking? Sorry

Are there any others that almost happened but didn't happen? No, there were ones I was up for that I was like yeah I did, this is true I did, I got a call from my agent, and they go, hey, they wanna, this is 100% true, I just remembered this. They wanna read you for Star Wars. And I go, what do you mean?

And they go, they wanna read you for Anakin. What? And I go, who, wait, they call it for me, Nick Swartzen? Nick Swartzen, my my name and they're like yeah They want to read you and they got they know who like I'm a comedian They're like they don't care. They just you have a good look for it. Bah bah bah Wow, and I'm like, okay And so I just went in and read Lucas and read for fucking Anakin who the part went to Hayden Christensen I woulda hunk but um

Did you read it in front of George Lucas? Not in front of George Lucas, no. I went to his office, like the company. And yeah, it was like fucking, I was like, and I literally go, why am I here? And they go, well, you know, blah, blah, blah. And I go, just, I go, I'm honored. This is like amazing. Sure.

But you saw me on like Reno 9111 and like maybe Vader would skate around space This doesn't make any sense. I'm never getting this part. Yeah, they just laughed and I'm like, yeah, you never know I mean Robin Williams Jim Carrey. They pulled off some serious roles You know, I could but it's like to be in that right that you know, it's Star Wars universe Yeah, I could definitely do it. I could fucking nail it yes Yeah, you started in Minnesota. Yeah in st. Paul was that tough. I mean is there were there clubs and stuff there I started in 1996 okay, and they told me when I started that Comedy was dead yeah, so like there were eight clubs at that time in the Twin Cities

What whoa eight clubs wow what are they the Twin Cities. What? Whoa! Eight clubs. Wow. This is coming off the 80s, like the boom of the 80s. Right, right. And when I was there, there were three. And then one of them was closing.

So I remember the local comics were like, yeah, it's, oh, why are you even starting? They're like, it's done, comedy's over. So the people that started around that time were the people that really like, really wanted to do standup and believed in doing standup, you know? Like I made no money, it was like sleeping in my car shit, driving across country. So you know, then I moved to New York and you know, that's when like everybody was Galifianakis and Jim Gaffigan, Kevin Hart. I mean, like

the lineups were like insane back then. Wow. And it was just all of us vying for like five minutes. So, did any of the older headliners take you on the road or help you out? The people I opened for starting out were Jay Moore, David Cross, Anthony Clark, and Janine Garofalo. Hey, starstead of the fair. Yeah, so they were all nice enough to bring me out on the road,

which helped immensely. And then I, in turn, when I would find funny young people, I would make sure I would get them out and get them on the road and get them good stage time. Yeah. I remember BJ Novak. Oh, yeah. I remember I saw him, brought him out to do shows.

Dan Mintz, who's really funny. Very funny. Zach Galifianakis did shows for me. I mince. He's really funny very funny Zack alphanac is did shows to me. I'd open he would open Wow stuff like that man Yeah, I mean I'll just find people like if I see a clip, but I'm like DM I'm gonna be like do you really funny yeah, that was funny cuz when we have a weird history which is super funny The gerbil farm no No, but um before that before I realized our history, I remember seeing clips of you on Instagram. And I was like, oh, this guy's really funny.

I'm like, who the fuck is he? And then, cause it was funny because I've been doing stand-up 30 years. Like fucking know everybody. And I didn't know who you were. But you came off like you've been doing it for like 80 years. Like you had this like energy of just like,

yeah, back at it again. Yeah, a little drizzle. I used to fuck Joan Rivers. That type of like old cat skill diarrhea. Yeah. Just borscht, borscht, bell, like in underwear. But it was just so funny. I was just watching your stuff. I'm just It's almost like you're a vampire. Oh, yeah like in a way. It's like your nose for out to

Vampire nose for out to those for a Jew That's pretty good Wow, so so tell him does mark not know the history What I didn't know would tell me late on fucking the college gig. No, you think I'm just Stefano now I thought we did back in the day we did oh That's not gonna tell me that you you booked. Where'd you go to college? Oh? Fuck you're right. No fucking asshole. I forgot this part. Do you know you fucking dick fucked up, dude? Fuck you, man I tried to book Nick at Tulane when I went there and

because I had so I was doing stand-up and They wouldn't let me like they were like you can open for who we bring down I was like all right, they brought down dat fan of course they did and And it went well, so they were like, okay you you're good enough to I mean my jokes suck But they were college because they wanted to like me and yeah you can help bring people down and I saw Nick's half-hour and I was like you should bring Nick Swartz and down and Nick cuts a Katrina cut a deal with me He cut a deal, but I think they still couldn't afford him

So it was like it just didn't for time and whatever it didn't work out because the Katrina cut a deal. That's me. He cut a deal, but I think they still couldn't afford him. So it was like, it just didn't, for time and whatever, it didn't work out. But then Burr ended up coming down. That was cool. But Nick was, he was like one of the only people to write me back. Hey!

Pretty cool. No, but then I came back for half the money. Did you? Yeah. Not when I was there though, I think you came back later. You were left, but I came back because I felt bad about the Katrina thing. Yeah.

Because I had started it. Fucked up. Yeah. Whoopsie. You and Richard Gere, dude. But yeah, so that we, yeah we did correspond. Yeah. That's cool.

Yeah. Must be exciting text to get from him. I know, I was pumped, yeah, but uh. Then Sam sent me a shit pic. It was fucking inappropriate. I was fucking getting Christy Beifert. Good job. So wait, do you know Andy Dick?

I do know Andy Dick. Are you guys still partying? I haven't talked to him in a while, but I know Andy. Yeah, I have several Andy stories. Oooh, I just bring it up because he got punched out in New Orleans on Bourbon Street. When? This is years ago. It was all over TMZ. Some guy knocked him out. He's been punched out in New Orleans on Bourbon Street. When? This is years ago. It was all over TMZ.

Somebody knocked him out. He's been punched out. One story I just heard that he was in a bathroom with Wesley Snipes and they were at the urinal and Andy looked over at his penis and went like, oh nice. And then Wesley punched him in the face. What? That's what I heard and I was like, I'm 100% believing it. White men can't peek.

Yeah, poor Andy. I heard and I was I'm a hundred percent believing it white men can't peek Yeah, poor Andy. I don't know how he's still Bless his heart. I respect that I do the look over well. Yeah, but you can't comment. You can't comment That's the problem look over is already invasive, but when you rather hear nice than you poor guy How do you Richard here either? I take a nice Yeah, but I'm dick in his name Yeah, Andy's and he's uh yeah, he's bi right and he said whatever and he wants to be And he can I remember I open for him at Irving Plaza 1998 and it was Andy Dicks circus of freaks

so it was me Todd Todd Berry, Maryland Rice Club. And so Andy was sober at the time. So he goes, okay, I'm gonna go out and do this bit, okay? And I go, okay, and he goes, then I'm gonna bring you on. And I go, okay, fine. So he goes out, goes on stage, starts doing standup, and then he had the bit where he had a guy who played his sponsor.

So he goes, I'm subber right now, it's great, blah, blah, blah, and he goes, my sponsor, Paul is here. So Paul comes up and he's wasted. That's great. So it's a whole bit. So Paul, I witnessed this, so Paul backstage had pounded like five cans of clam chowder. Oh no.

So Paul comes on stage and he goes, oh my God, Paul you're drunk. And Paul's like, fuck you Andy. And he's like, fuck you. And then Paul does this reflex where he projectile vomits into Andy's face. Oh man. So there's puke all over the fucking, all over his face, all over the stage. Andy fucking just goes to the microphone

and he just goes, Nick Sortson. Ah! And walks off and I'm like, the fuck was that? Yeah. I'm walking past him and He goes sorry. Sorry about that like All right, I can see him doing that. I get sent a good bit. No no no Yeah, like these give me one credit, right?

Good God nobody even knew I was they're just like all right. Are you off the sauce? Yeah? Hey? How long I? I did have some celebratory drinks after my special taping, but I haven't drank this whole tour I haven't drank since August holy. Oh my in Texas you look I was like I looks fucking yeah I didn't drink in Austin. Yeah, I didn't drink the entire toilet head tour, and I'm gonna continue I don't really want to drink anymore come on. I just don't, I'm like done. We got a bottle. Wait, what? What about?

No, I just feel like I won drinking. Right. Like I won. You went hard for a long time. I went hard for a long time. I was down low like, I went hard in the pain. Like people don't realize. No, I've heard.

And I wasn't a drug guy, people always think I'm like some dude below and stuff like that. I wasn't a drug guy. People always think I'm, like, do blow and stuff like that. Like, I was never a drug guy. Just, I loved drinking. Loved it. What about it did you love? I just liked the... I liked hanging out at a bar,

watching a game. I loved day drinking. Yeah! I loved airport bar drinks. Oh! I loved checking into a hotel, getting a cocktail. All of that. What would you think?

Here's the funny thing. I always tried to do this where like I always tried to solve drinking Where I would go through phases so like everybody starts out drinking kind of whatever sure like Jack coke Vodka Cranberry You know bullshit, and then you're like well me no I think I'm a whiskey guy right and then I went through a Jameson phase that imploded. And then I'm like, yeah, that's dummy. Tequila, that's where I'm at. And then I went through that phase, imploded that. And then I'm just like, you know what?

I'm all about Jaeger bombs. It was just like, I just kept trying to find how to make it work. And then I was like, nail polish remover? And then I just landed on like I'm just vodka Yeah, and I'm diabetic. I got diabetes and Key West you got it there Yeah, so it turns out just everybody listen. I get amazing sentence I'm sure I'm the first person ever

To get too high and drunk on stage in Colorado I got a person to get too high and drunk on stage in Colorado But I'm both of song yeah, but no so Key West it turns out everybody You can't get drunk every day blacked out for a year and a half and eat key lime pie Non-stop in that altitude it will Know Key West doesn't have else. Oh, I think it's in Colorado. No that was I was making a joke about what happened. I mean oh, I forgot about that I didn't We'll cover that after wait

chat say jack One no sleep. I got a toddler my friend saw you I called you during I don't know if you did call me Look at many people that my friend who I grew up with was just in Key West And he's like I think Nick Swartz and Shitface at the bar. And I was like, maybe I should check up on him because I feel like he didn't just randomly, like he's probably been here for a while. Dude, it was unreal.

It was so fun because it was during COVID. Yeah. So COVID was kind of a little superfluous there because it was like, nobody really, it just, I don't know, it didn't really exist. Yep. Because it was all outdoors and everything. So it was just kind of like Narnia with bars. It was Barnea don't know, it didn't really exist. Because it was all outdoors and everything. So it was just kind of like Narnia with bars.

It was Varnia, you know? So it was like, every day you just wake up and drink. And then at night go see live music and drink and then pass out, repeat. Sounds like heaven. There was nothing, it was fucking amazing. That's great. There was nothing, you know,

in the sense of there was no work. I didn't really, I was gonna retire actually. I wanted to just live in Key West. But I just completely succumbed to this island life. And I didn't care. It changed my whole perspective on life where when I came back to LA briefly and I was like, why do I have all this stuff?

And I sold all my clothes and shoes and Rolex and diamond chain and so I had all the stupid shit And I just would like lived in Key West and like flip-flops and board shorts. It was like super happy Yeah, it was like a really happy time That's great And it was like being at bars and just having discussions about like art and literature and music and it was just fucking great Hell yeah, I remember one of my highlights was um They have a butterfly museum and I went I spent a thousand dollars at the gift shop

The come on swear to God After then wasted on butterflies. Yeah. Yeah, I was walking around in like butterfly pajamas fly like be dazzled Butterflies your gerbil. Yes, it is Wow butterfly kisses in the anus tonight Think that's the lyrics they think I'm not mistaken on that the Key West is a magical place It's great. They have the Key West comedy club. Yes, I'm Dustin and they've Tom

Dustin buddy just made a documentary about him, and we don't know when it's coming out God no, I'm sorry for trying to give a plug It's coming out. Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh. God, what a brutal worker. Nellie, I'm sorry for trying to give a plug. Sorry for the plug to your friend. Fuck off. It's a great doc.

Yeah, the documentary. I think you're in it. Key West Comedy. Well, the funny thing is I was in Key West for a year and a half, and I never did one set. Ah! I'm gonna vouch for this. I never did one set.

That must've driven him crazy. You got a great comic, one bar over, and you went through a set. Yeah, literally. Stumbling past your comedy club. And they have a Key West theater. I'll be there February 20th. All my dates, by the way, Nick Schwartz and.net, back on the road picking up clubs for the

theaters I missed, and I've got more theaters. When does this pod air? Two weeks. Wait. Not this weekend, but the next one, right? Yeah. Okay. You're gonna go to Key West as a sober guy? You know how hard that is? Yeah, dude. Two weeks? Wait. Not this weekend, but the next one, right? Okay. You're gonna go to Key West as a sober guy?

You know how hard that is? Yeah, dude. That's a challenge. No, I can do it. A pedophile going to the Vatican. Okay. Yeah, those are my... He's a tough laugher.

Oh, that's fine. That was an easy analogy. You know what? And no, that's great. Yeah, what's the website? Do you plug it? .net. NickSwardson.net?

Yeah, I couldn't get, I lost.org. What about Gov? Yeah, I wanted Gov, or Edju. What'd you call him? A vampire? Edju. Oh, Nosferatu. What'd he, what'd he Alan call back there?

Nosferatu. There it is. Yeah, all right? I'm going back to Florida Yeah, dude, which I know Sam That's it. What's the beef talk about I know I love yeah, I might fill my next special in Tampa I'm debating. I'm doing it great. Florida's great for comedy. I love it I love Florida to people think I hate Florida just cuz I fucking hate Naples, but like Florida Lauderdale is great I love Orlando crowds are great. Yeah, Miami's tough though. Miami's tough. They just they show up late They're kind of just not they're hot. They're the thing about the Florida club that you're talking about Off the hook you off the hook which I like a lot. I like the club the thing about this one of my pet

No, youles. I do Here's the thing I don't like and this is what I don't like in general about comedy I don't know how you guys feel about it. I don't like I don't like Food at a comedy club. I don't like off the hook. It's like full on. It's really good food, but it's a full-on fucking meal Surf and turf and it's a bib on yeah, and the staffs great the foods great, but it's like it is good. It's fucking Brutal to perform of course well people. I don't understand like people in the comments why? Why do you eat at a club when you go to a show? Even in comedy clubs, I have people eating cake in the front row and I'm like,

isn't that not healthy for you? Of course. It should be no, like comedy on Stade Madison, the fact that they have no food is, fuck, this was a choice and it's great. The main money you're making is on booze anyway. Of course. Yeah, and it's not like this shows that long

It's like when you go to a movie you don't want to fucking surf and turf But they do that now that's what that's like how they're trying to revive movie theaters They're doing like yeah, who your seat service. I've seen that it's kind of fun actually Yeah, but you don't have to laugh audibly as a response and a movie not a great way to see You got the blackened chicken But yeah, I'm with you on the food and if you're gonna eat at a comedy club which is disgusting and weird, do it early. Go go an hour early, pig out and then enjoy a show with a full stomach. Yeah when they bring out, we used to you know, Carolines all the time, they bring out

like the giant block of chicken parmesan. Yeah. It's fucking pungent too. It's distraught. I know. I'm smelling it. Yeah. And you, and you know what clubs a lot of clubs do this popcorn now, which when you're bombing all you hear is I don't need that maybe don't bomb wow Can't crack the code on that one They should open a fajita comedy club Hundreds of fucking, it just looks like fucking Armageddon. That'd be beautiful.

I think I did your fajita joke on a TV show once and I got creamed online. No, why? I didn't know you did it already and I did a similar thing. That's fine. I just wanna bury that hatchet. Brandon Schaub got attacked for that too.

Whoa. Well that's on you. Yeah I know I did a fajita joke. That was like a throwaway Observation at like the laugh Factory and then this is during the myspace days and it went viral during that time Yeah, and it was just literally an observation. It was just about fajitas and blah blah blah Yeah, so it's like I don't own an observation. I always think it's I think you had it first Well, I mean what was your joke just about how it's like in the most attention getting meal right similar to yours Yeah, it's an obvious observation

I just the whole thing about comedy cops these days is so funny because I've had people go like oh Dude, I yeah that bit you do I just saw so-and-so so do it. And I go really, what's the bit? And they're like, it's exactly like yours. And I go, well what is it? And they would tell me it and I'm like, no, no, no, it's an observation. I go, my punchline, the whole, where I take it is different. You're just seeing the setup and the premise.

We all share premises. And then we have a different take on it. Totally. I saw someone posted a morning TV thing that I did and they're like bill burr did it first or whatever I'm like a lot of comics fuck around a morning. I know we've all done. It's a it's a common good God Yeah, well they like to be the guy who gets you I called him out. I'm the man I'm a cop why would we all steal from each other like that doesn't make any sense So I remember this when I first started. I remember this very vividly.

And I was in Minnesota at my mom's apartment, 1997. And I did a bit at the open mic and it was about athletes that celebrate. And I'm like, why are you celebrating? Like that's your job. You score a touchdown, why are you freaking out and blah, blah, blah. And so I did a whole bit and I'm like,

a doctor doesn't do that They're not in surgery and then they fucking last stitch then they fucking throw everything and yeah spike all the stuff So I thought I was all excited and then I go home and I'm watching Conan and Bill Burr is on Conan and Bill Burr does the exact same And the doctor and the surgeon. And there's no way he saw me in hell. There's no way I saw him. But it was just like-minded thinking.

And I'll never forget that where I was like, oh, this is probably gonna happen. You know what I mean? So I like when people go like, oh, you know, so-and-so's a thief. I'm like, well, no. You know, let's actually disprove this, you know what I mean? Because I've thought of bits where people are like,

oh, Brian Regan does the same thing, and I'm like, how, fuck. I came up with the N-word black people bit organically, and it turns out Chris Rock already did it, so. That's true. Oh my god. It's not my fault. That's not your fault.

Sam, that's why we pray. I just wish you wouldn't do it at dinner all the time. That's when it gets weird. Can you tell, because we've had great Norm stories on here and you were actually tight with him, can you tell any Norm stories? The king. I mean I do a couple in my set.

They're great. So I don't want to give any of those away. Don't give those away yet. I'll share with you one that was one of my favorites. All right. So we're on tour with me, Sandler and Spade, and Norm. And it's our final show, I believe it was Mohican Son. And so it's our final show, so we're deprived of sleep,

so everybody's just like, let's sleep in, okay? So we're all on a tech thread. So we all sleep in, and we wake up. And so Norm was on the thread at 6 a.m. On the thread with everybody and he goes hey, yeah, I'm getting breakfast Everybody want to have breakfast and it radio silence everyone's sleeping I Wake up at about 9 a.m. And I go hey, is anybody wanting a breakfast and people like yeah, yeah I'm down blah, blah. So we go down to the lobby and Norm's walking up and he goes, what are you doing?

And I'm like, we're gonna go get breakfast. He goes, yeah, that was my idea. And I go, what do you mean? He goes, yeah, no, I said you guys wanna get breakfast and nobody said anything. And I go, yeah, we're all sleeping. Adam's like, yeah, we're sleeping. And he goes, yeah, then Swartzen, Adam's like, you're sleeping. And he goes, yeah, and then Swartz, and he fucking goes, hey, you want to get breakfast?

Now everybody wants to get breakfast. So he took my idea. He took my idea. I go, I didn't fucking create breakfast. He goes, yeah, I know, but I thought of it first, my idea. He goes, they don't even have breakfast here. And we're at a casino, and we're like, they don't have breakfast, they always have breakfast.

And then he goes, no, I've been walking around trying to find it. And then we go to the concierge, and we're at a casino and we're like they don't have breakfast they always have breakfast and then he goes no I've been walking around trying to find it and then we go to the concierge we're like do you guys have breakfast she's like yeah there's like three diners like in there just one like blah and he goes what what are you talking about walking around you have breakfast it was like the most insane yeah that was the thing about Norm is like you just never I was always like what are you talking about? Yeah, just like did he know he was being funny. I don't know that's what's the genius of it I was jealous of it, but it was like I was one of his good friends

It was just like I didn't steal your idea for breakfast like insane Yes, right install it. Yeah, I thought of it Insane yes, we're to install it. Yeah, I thought of it Like it was so funny like I still have screenshots of like the threads of all of us. Yeah, it was like Norm would just it was so bizarre. I remember one time we were going down to Florida We had a whole run of shows in Florida like four sold out amphitheater amazing shows So we're on the thing to Gonston st. Augustine, right? Yeah, that's a beautiful It's the best show I've I'll talk about that is that mmm. It's the best show I've ever seen in my life But so we're on a thread

So Norm is gonna meet us from California and Florida. So two days before we're like, alright, Florida Orlando blah blah blah excited fired up Yeah, yeah. See you guys there. So we go we get get in Orlando. We're all at the hotel We're like, okay. Um, Norm you here yet. He goes what where we're like we're in Florida We're in Orlando like are you here and he goes Orlando. What are you talking about? Baby, like we have a show show tonight. Yeah, he goes what? Yeah, who said that? Yeah, I didn't know that and I literally screen-shotted it two days before norm going can't wait to see you in, Florida And I go you fucking said and he goes oh, yeah, no yeah shit. I have the flu And we're like what do you mean you have the flu? He goes. Yeah, I have the flu

We're like why don't you say you have the flu? He goes yeah, yeah the flu We're like why don't you say you have the flu? He goes yeah, I forgot Fuck yeah, so he missed the whole Florida run Wow He just didn't tell anybody his name's built on this thing, too Well sometimes he was sometimes he was like we were the main for me and spades and strainer and Adam So norm they would be like a rotating like Neyland Tim Meadows Norm stuff like that. Yeah, but um, but yeah, it was just like he just said that's hilarious So what about you ever nervous being the new guy cuz all those guys have known each other forever No, I came in hot I just started slapping genitals.

Well, I had worked with Adam for so long, and those guys all became really close. So when we went on tour, it was just, I never felt like the new guy. It was just like my buddies. I've heard you got a jump shot too. Ooh! I did, before I went blind

Literally like that was in Key West to have glasses now because I can't fucking see shit I've had multiple people tell me I remember Godfrey once was like Swartson's got a J dude Dude, I said yeah, I was a shooting guard Yeah, I couldn't run point but I was like very like redic that was my idol who became a friend JJ redic Can I ask one more norm? He's one more norm question. He's my favorite, okay? Did he do well on the shows because I've only seen him live twice and one night he fucking Annihilated it was like the roof came off and then one night he bombed Silence for like 45 minutes. Um It's kind of like whatever he wanted.

Mm. You know, like he could, yeah, he could murder or if he just wasn't in the mood, he would just go off on like some kind of whatever he wanted to do. Yeah. But he did say one of my favorite things ever. I did a festival in San Diego

and I headlined Friday, Norm headlined Saturday, and I stayed and hung out with Norm, and we were backstage, and right next to him, he's about to go on, Kirk Fox is opening, it was really funny, is about to introduce, he's in the process of introducing him. He goes, you know, you're headliner, blah, blah, blah, and Norm just turns to me and he just goes,

the only thing I'm goodcing him he goes you know your headliner blah blah blah and norm just turns me he just goes The only thing I'm good at I hate Like Norm MacDonald he went on stage Jesus that's dark no it was perfect because it's like sometimes comedians are just like I can you sometimes I don't know you're just like feel fucking dark sure I don't feel like it But yeah, but I mean do you think he didn't like doing stand-up now? He loved it. You know just kind of just said self-loathing like yeah I said maybe just wasn't in the mood. It was a music festival. Oh, yeah, so you know what I mean I'm sure he was just like this could go either way Yeah, I just don't for Louie, and he would always pace in the green room be like I don't feel funny today

I don't feel funny. I don't have it. That's I have it. I'm not funny anymore. Then you go up and murder Yeah, I think before I show you just get that in your head the but I'm like a legit insane person before I go on stage I don't know if you're like this I get really tired Mmm, like I get a weird fatigue where I'm just like, oh and then people like are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I just have to get out there and then once I'm out there. I fucking love it Yeah, and um, but I remember Dana Carvey was saying that to me. We were doing a gig at Laugh Factory in Hollywood, and it was Kevin Nealon's New Material Night.

And I'm backstage with Dana, and Dana's like, I'm gonna bomb, I'm gonna tank. And I'm like, you're not. And he's like, no, no, no, no, no. I just, I don't have anything, I'm gonna bomb. I'm like, no, it's the New Material Night. And he's like, no, no, no, I'm gonna bomb, I'm gonna bomb, I'm gonna bomb. And I'm like, no, it's a new material night. He's like, no, no, no, I'm gonna bomb, I'm gonna bomb, I'm gonna bomb.

And I'm like, all right, whatever dude. And he just went out fucking murdered. Yeah. He had a carby. Exactly. Literally, he's the most charismatic, naturally hilarious human being that's ever created. Much like a Richard Gere. Yeah!

But no, he's amazing. It's funny when people say stuff like that. That was Norma, I mean, I know he's a brilliant comedian, blah when people stay say stuff like that was norma I mean, I know he's a brilliant comedian blah blah, but he had one question was he ever brutal to hang out with What do you mean like was it ever hard? What abuse no no like he's just like hard was it was it annoying sometimes? You know like fucking defend mark well He's got the...

No he's trying to like... I appreciate it. No man, man, man. Hey, you're in our cave man. What are you doing here Nick? What are you doing here? You know, he couldn't drive, so he'd go pick him up or he... Like he has that great story where his assistant is like, Norm, you're not gonna believe this,

I got a hooker last night and she snorted coke coke off my dick, don't tell anybody, please. And Norm was like, yeah, of course, I got ya. And then the UPS guy walked in and he goes, ah, this guy got his dick coke snort by a hooker. And the guy was like, what are you doing? But that's Norm. Yeah, I mean, it was always just interesting. I mean, there's a story I've told before,

I'll just tell it quickly. Please. But it's the one of where I called him to watch a baseball game. So do you know this story or no? So I call him. It's noon. There's a triple header on.

So I go to the bar, have a couple beers, and then Norm's like, hey, what are you doing? And I go, I'm at the bar. I go, I just got here, have had a couple beers. Want to meet me and watch games? And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. He can pick me up. And I go, no, I've already had drinks. I got just just got here. I've had a couple beers want to meet me and watch games And he goes yeah, yeah, he could pick me up and I got no I've already had drinks

I don't want to drink and drive. I could you live a mile away. Just call a cab is before uber and he goes All right. Yeah, see you there. So I'm like, okay, so I'm drinking at the bar Watch one whole game. No norm. Hmm another whole game. No norm text him. Nothing. No reply This is what six hours now six hours, so now. I'm like solid buzz Thank you mark mm-hmm, so then third game No, norm huh so it's nine o'clock at night now I'm like fucking drunk as shit, and I'm leaving the bar, and he's walking yeah And he goes where he gone

And I go what do you mean where the fuck have you been? Yeah. I watched all three games. Like in a blackout, I can't walk. And he goes, so you're leaving? And I go, yeah, I can't see. This is what I'm talking about. And he goes, yeah, and this is the best part,

this is so norm. I go go where the fuck have you been and he goes I? Had to do laundry Nine hours I go nine hours to run an orphanage You were the same thing yeah, right? He was yeah, so I stayed had like one more beer But it was just like that would drive me crazy. Of course. That's what I'm talking about But I mean, that's why like you just never You would never like fully invest right?

But he was great though. He was really competitive one time He goes uh he goes hey, yeah, you ever play ping-pong and I go yeah I grew up playing I grew up playing ping-pong at a ping-pong? And I go, yeah, I grew up playing ping-pong. I had a ping-pong table. And he goes, no way, I play ping-pong, I'm really good. And I go, I bet you I beat you. And he goes, no, no, no, I bet you won't. And I go, okay, he goes, he goes,

I got a new ping-pong table. So I go over to his place, and we're playing ping-pong, and I annihilate him, like in front of him, in front of Lori and his son. And it's just, and he's fucking livid. And I'm just smoking, and he's like, ah, what the fuck? What are you fucking, half Asian?

What's going on here? What are you doing? And I'm like, I grew up playing ping pong, I'm like really, really, really good, and he's like yeah I play again, and so I just kept beating him and I felt bad I was kind of like I would let up a little bit. Yeah, and you could tell he would make it more man Like yeah, yeah, fuck you, and he was just he was so mad Oh, that's like there was a funny competitive side to him God

Could you imagine him trying to have a girlfriend or anything like that showing up nine hours late to stuff? It's insane no or not be able to drive in LA that is crazy that I know I have another friend who can't drive in LA And how do you live there you got an uber now? But this is you know in the 90s in early 2000s. Yeah, I mean it was tricky I mean, I can't believe I don't have a DUI. I mean so many Decisions of like because I would live in I live live in Venice Beach and I would do sets at the improv. So I'd like try and sleep in my car, but sometimes like you would roll the dice. Yeah, you'd get off because of your fame? No, one time. Yeah, I did a couple times. Not from a, I would get out of tickets

because I was on Reno 911. Oh, beautiful. But this is a true story of getting out of a DUI. This is 100% true. I was leaving the improv and I was going six blocks to a bar in Hollywood. And I'd had about five or six drinks. Okay. Which is nothing, it's easy.

So I'm driving and I go, I'm gonna go back roads, not do major streets, just in case. So I go back roads and I pass a cop car going down, I'm almost to the bar and I pass this cop car, my windows are down and music's blaring and I'm like, oh fuck, I just know they're going to pull me over, I just know it. And I look at my rear view and they're doing a U-turn, so I floor it, step on the gas, go to the street in front of me, a hard right there's a meter there Thank God I jump out get out of the car to turn the car off cops come by

Pull it behind me. They're like hands on the car hands on the hood hands up up up Empty your pockets. They're like are you on drugs? I was like no no no no no no no no no no I'm emptying my pockets And they're like okay. What are you doing? What are you doing? And I'm like I uh I just got off stage I was at the improv. I'm a comedian. I was just going to this bar, and they're like, okay, what are you doing? What are you doing? And I'm like, I just got off stage. I was at the improv, I'm a comedian. I was just going to this bar and they're like, okay, you have drugs on you? And I go, no, I don't do any drugs. There's no drugs, I promise.

I'm like, have you been drinking? And I go, I'm not gonna lie to you. I had a drink after I got off stage. I go, it's so scary doing standup that I just, I had to just to kill the nerves because it's's so scary doing stand-up that I just I had to Just to kill the nurse because it's just so scary and they totally were like, oh Yeah, I can see that. Yeah Yeah, that'd be horrifying. Well played and I go yeah, I go I'm not gonna lie to you though

Then this is before cell phones and I had a little notepad with all my jokes and ideas and premises So the cop goes what's up? And I go it all my jokes and ideas and premises, so the cop goes, what's that? And I go, it's my joke notebook. And he goes, okay. And he looks at it and he goes, what's that? And I go, joke, and he goes, what is it? And I told it to him and he goes, that's very funny. And then he goes, what's that?

And I go, it's the idea I have for a TV show. And he goes, what's the idea? And I go, it's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he goes, yeah, that could work. And then he's like, what's the- This is the most LA could work La pull it so insane and it's a hundred percent true. He's like that's a bill burge in there What's this drawing of a gerbil? So then he like puts out one more joke so he turns to his partner and he goes What do you think and the guy goes? I don't know the kids a fucking comedian, and he goes okay

He goes good luck man. He goes don't get back in that fucking car, and I go I won't I don't know, the kid's a fucking comedian. And he goes, okay. He goes, good luck, man. He goes, don't get back in that fucking car. And I go, I won't, I won't, I swear to God. And he goes, okay. And they left. And I walked into the bar and I was like, oh, my fucking God, I couldn't believe. I'm invincible. It was insane and I just never.

You're act. That happened to me when I was in school and they pulled my notepad out, but they hated my fucking joke. No way. Yeah, they were like, that sucks. No way. Yeah, it was fucking annoying.

Did they let you off though? They let me off. Okay. And it was a bit of my act, this was a story, but a true story, a guy actually had cocaine on him. I didn't know him, they stopped all of us and he didn't search the guy because they beat up on me for my shitty jokes.

Oh, he owes you a beer. Yeah, yeah. And a bump. Good God. It was fucking weird. I got pulled over in Rhode Island, this is a month ago, I think I told you the story, cop pulls me out of the car, I go, I'm a comedian,

he goes, give me three jokes. First two bombed, he was about to take me to jail, I'm hammered, did a trans joke, smooth sailing. No way! Oh yeah. Are you serious? I'm hammered to the trans joke smooth sailing The black joke I thought I pull out a black one first and I think I did an Asian and then the trans joke I love you said I'm gonna be honest Because a pedo would never be like I fucked one kid I was nervous Good god, but if you if you level with them if you go in like an emotional connection my friend We got pulled over we were in high school. He was whizzing down this highway

We were all drunk and he the cop pulled him over to get sound he goes. I just got dumped I'm so sad my girlfriend was a love my life the cops like I get it man Get out of here and we got out out of it I love cops yeah amazing I didn't prep him on this I said I said peeves if you have any pee I gotta watch the time too Oh shit. Yeah, we've gone over. I've got a little bit Um I'll tell you this one. I uh I was at dinner I was during the movie just go with it with Sandler and Jennifer Anderson We're in Maui wow and we're all we're all out to dinner is pretty awesome. That was a great shoot and

She's very cool. She's cool as shit. She's like the coolest person. What about Barack Obama? He was not in the movie All right, I heard they were Canoodling that's the rumor do you hear that true. Yeah, pull it up true. It's a rumor She didn't deny it on Kimmel. There's room. She did deny. Oh she did okay. I saw a version Like a million rumors I remember we were hanging out in our hotel room And she was like look at this and she just like googled her name, and it was like all this stuff She goes this what I deal with it's like all this fucking nonsense

And there was one that was like a bit swimmer, too There was one about that said Jennifer Aniston's addicted to grapes or something great. I was like all this fucking nonsense. And it was one that was like. And it was like David Schwimmer too. There was one about that said Jennifer Aniston's addicted to grapes or something. Grape. It was like one thing she's like, I'm not a, what does that even mean? Statutory grapes. So anyway we're at dinner and it's Sandler,

the whole crew and then Woody Harrelson lives in Maui so he crashed the dinner. So we're hanging out and I had just met him and so we're just having dinner. And so, Jennifer's like, Woody, Nick does stand up. He's also a stand up. And Woody goes, oh yeah? Tell me a joke.

Ah, here we go. And then everybody got quiet and he was like dead serious. And I go, what do you mean? We're at dinner and he goes, no, tell me a joke. And I'm like, okay. And then I just, I told him a joke and I'm like Okay, and then I just I told him a joke and I go and there's one I use with police when I get pulled over If they're like tell me a joke and I go blonde walks into a library and she's like can I get two cheeseburgers? And they're like this is a library and she's like sorry can I get two cheeseburgers? I told that joke to Woody and it was just a beat and he just goes

I told that joke to Woody and it was just a beat and he just goes Jesus Christ yeah, it wasn't like cheers Woody Harrelson right natural born killers After that as cool as fuck is like the nicest dude. He seems like a cool dude. Yeah, he was great Yeah, I remember he did this bit at the bar and he pulled out a tin of red powder. And he goes, hey, I grow my own cayenne pepper. Whoa. And I go, no way, that's cool.

And he goes, yeah, I have a farm. And he goes, smell it. And I go, okay, like an idiot. And I go, okay. Ah! So immediate fire, pain, sobbing, so painful. And he's laughing. And I'm like, oh my god

And I go and like rinse my fucking eyes out blah blah blah and I go back and he's like sorry about that, man I didn't think you're really gonna do it. No, I go. Yeah, that's sucked. He goes. Yeah, I'll do it too then. Sorry Went through it too, so it was cool. Have you tried those smelling so oh, it's a nightmare Those are brutal. No the NFL players who they have it in Rogan's green room at that club and He's got a flight to catch Is that a gerbil? Oh shit. What what is it from mark? Yeah? Good open it afterwards should I maybe a little jumpsuit? Oh? Come on you are not allowed in a kid store

Look at this love that stuff. That's good. Oh, this is a classic You are not allowed in a kid store Every kid shelf yeah, just ask Kevin spacey yeah, Kevin. Oh did the soundtrack for that book? This is great. I grew up with this book good night moon every child classic. Yeah, that's great Wow, thank you are what a guy you're welcome. Yeah, I try my best God bless you Ari. I'll read the card aloud. Hope it's not doing that No, no, you have to read it by the way Ari's got a new special out on Netflix. Give it a watch Thank you. Yeah, America's Sweetheart Yes on Netflix 85k on plants Are we were talking with the new Jewish vampire movie that's all right now knows for our to

That guy looks so much like me. It really does. I saw it, I was like, wait, was I in this? Did I forget? You're the stunt double. Here, wait, I already take my place. I gotta go. He's going to the airport. Yeah, I gotta make sure. You came so late.

I know, I had to come straight, and it wouldn't poop. Ah, his girlfriend. Everyone's saying, Sam has diarrhea. Oh, he's a girlfriend. Everyone's saying Sam has diarrhea. Oh, that's a standard for Sam. I know. Weak, weak Jewish stomachs, man. Yeah, I know. You have a weak one, right?

I've managed, but yeah, it's not great. I'm a bloody guy. Ew. With all blood. Yuck. All blood? I mean, sometimes it's mostly blood. It's the first third of it, it'll tell me.

You gonna flag that or no? You just gonna roll with it? Roll with it. At his age. Yeah, listen. God has his plan for everyone Yeah, Nick plugs on dates. He's all go man Nicholas well when does it when is this gonna drop two weeks so So what would that be then the 20th Key West nice so yeah Key West, and then Florida, Richmond, right? Yep. And then Houston Improv.

You gotta hit Purley's in Richmond, dude. West Palm. Oh yeah, great diner. Yeah, I'm picking up some clubs and then- That's a big room. Four three and four ten, the comedy works in downtown Denver. And South, you're going everywhere in Denver. Yeah.

Yeah. Covering ground. It's pretty cool. Wait, is that where you're going? And there's there's more dates added to so they're all on the website, so you're not gonna do an edible Are you we'll see oh you got to go now. We'll see a bloody edible They know bloody edible. That's the name of my next special People are some of the rumors people made up about it? Because you had all kinds of stuff swirling. He's on drugs. I fucking literally went to Colorado. It was 9,000 feet altitude.

I was starting my tour. I was in a good mood. And not even the tour, I was prepping for it. And I fucking had cocktails. And then somebody gave me an edible, which I eat. But it hit me when I went on stage. And it was a new set, so I didn't have my set list. And so I was like brain farting on stage

and then I was like trying to like remember where the act was, it was a brand new act. And then somebody videotaped it and sent it to TMZ and then the theater pulled me and my opener, Ari Manus, Ari was like, don't pull him, what the fuck are you doing? And they're like, no, no, no. So they pulled him, the crowd was like, boo. Like don't.

And I just waved. You got pulled at your own show. That's yeah Wow It was it's mountain towns. It's mixed with like degenerates and Illuminati Billionaires might be upset right totally. I've done that. She was a weird show. I did it right before you actually I saw you right there in the next day. Yeah, that's right. That's right People like really worried about Nick. I like why I had a meaningful conversation with them. Yeah, totally not a red flag I'm like, why had a meaningful conversation with him? Yeah, like totally not a red flag at all. Like, good God.

And then it was like on Yahoo News, USA Today called me for a comment. Whoa. I'm like, what did Michael Richards go through? Like I didn't go through like some like fucking meltdown. I was just too high and just, in Colorado. Yeah. I wasn't at the fucking, you know what I mean?

We never would have said that in Colorado. Too many whites. That's true. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I wasn't at the fucking, you know what I mean? We never would have said that in Colorado. Too many whites. That's true. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. God. All right, I gotta go. All right, well hey, thanks Nick.

I love you. Let's take a photo. Hell yeah, get the moon in there. Good night. Hey, sex with kids. All right. Praise him. Thanks for the gift, you ever met buddy congratulations

on the thanks being away is quite nice hey thanks for doing it man good stories good up good times well I got a weird handshake they got a hug that was yeah That was tough. Sorry dude. You're sitting in that weird pose all fucking. All right. It was your body. It was your body Mark. Wow. When are you leaving? One of those nights. I'm leaving on Wednesday morning or tomorrow. Okay. Tomorrow night night.

I thought you were gone already. Yeah, I was like two days and I'm gone for six weeks. Whoa, six weeks. Where are you going? All over. Hit us, what are you thinking? LA, Nashville, San Jose, San Antonio, hell yeah.

Denver, Atlanta, Portland. Are you gonna stay in all these places? Yeah, so I'll do some press shit in Austin, I'll stay in San Antonio, I'll stay there for a little bit. In LA, in Braille, I'll do press there until I go to Nashville, do some press there. No sets though? No, all sets.

Oh, okay, okay, great. But in between I'll stay there. Oh, okay, okay, great. But in between I'll stay there. Oh, okay, great. You just stay in a hotel or something? San Antonio, yeah, San Antonio I'll go back up to Austin, hang out there, do spots and shit. All right, well what a dream. I'll go to the beach,

I might go skiing in between Tampa and Florida. Come on, you're living. Get two days off. I know, but I have a kid now, all this shit is just FOMO for me. Dude, I was using a fake pass I Got caught with a fake pass. Oh, no would pass. It's a it's a it was in a map well I don't want to say which

But it was one of the passes for ski towns Yeah, and I was with Ryan O'Neill and they go we're like we don't dinged it six times And they go sir step out of line for a second. Oh shit. And then I'm like, well we're fucked. I already knew we were fucked, but we still hold out hope. And they go, can I see your face? And he goes, no. He goes, well can I see some ID?

He goes, I don't have any ID. And they didn't let you in? No, he goes, I need to see some, why can't I see your face? And O'Neil just went straight Karen. He goes, I was badly burned. I was familiar with the Americans with Disability Act of 1997.

And for him. The guy was like, you think it's the first time I've seen a fake pass? They're not, they're pretty lax with them. We went skiing. Very lax. And what's his fucking name? The guy, the bar stool guy, he gave me his pass.

Francis. Francis. Ellis. Ellis. He's like, here, take my pass. I'm like, your photo is on, he gave me his pass. Francis. Francis. Ellis. Ellis. He's like, here, take my pass. I'm like, your photo is on there. They always get used. He's like a six-four Nazi-looking blonde guy,

and I'm a twink, five-ten, curly douche, and it worked every time, not a peep. They just didn't go, go. It's all coke heads ringing it in, except one old man, don't go to the old man. Yeah. He has really cool dudes in those types of jobs. They're just like, I'm just looking to do this until I can ski Oh, they had a strike it's over now

They had a strike so they had like shut a bunch of lids we didn't tell anybody they had a strike for the they wanted More money. Are you guys are you guys good skiers? I'm okay at snowboarding. I can't ski to save my life I'm okay, but I go for it. He's good. You're good. You're pretty good Terrible to challenging ratios in finance. He's awful so bad. Just bombs it He'll go up on fucking he goes. I'll try one leg. I'm like buddy. You don't even know how to ski Yeah, and he's smoking the whole time smoking note. No helmet just smoking one leg in it Yeah, and he's bad. You know, it's really bad was Gillis. He's just a big snowman Michelin man, he's never even tried

You'd be worse Yeah, it's uh it's fun as hell be to one day you got it Just do it for a full day, and you got it down you got it snowboarding is easier to master I've heard yeah, I agree plus. I'm used to going sideways because of skateboarding my whole life Yeah, and you're bisexual so it's halfway there. There you go. I go both ways And yeah, it's it's a great really the fun time is cooking the dinner shitting on the comics getting drunk doing drugs I gave you a VD. Yeah, hell yeah comedian ski trip was the best the best doing nothing for three days How to show to pay for it? Yeah, we'd put on a bad special We did I got this at the view

We can't say but uh yeah, you know you know the culprits yeah Yeah, and just like It's fun. It's a good ZD yeah in the morning. We all just have a blast Shane does two runs and then search ZD, Kevin in the morning, we all just have a blast. Shane does two runs and then starts drinking. Yeah, then he cuts it out. Sean Patton, he's so fat he had to quit like halfway through. Had to leave him on the mountain, the helicopter got him.

Oh, he always. I watch his show, the FX show. It's killer. He's amazing on it. Yeah, he's a real piece of shit on it. I love him. Yeah, it's great. He's the comedic relief.

It's a well written show. Comedic relief on a sitcom, but he really is. He made it, and it's actually a really good sitcom as far as it comes great to the guy from just shoot me. Oh, yeah There we are hungover Rocking a Nate Robinson jersey. These are all jerseys. I found for the ski trip thrift store Yeah, any double or triple extra large I would get it rocking a Kobe No Yeah, no, I had a Kobe. I gave it to from the the roast I gave it to Norman. He's rocking it. Yeah

I'm down. I'm rocking out Hills 23 on Before that's Draymond dude. It's pre Draymond really yeah, CJ Watson fuck I wish I knew I had a dirt Dirk Nowitzki for a while. I don't know what happened. Yeah, you had to dirt. Who's not in this? Somebody's not in this. Well, Pat was gone, because remember he stopped doing the skiing because he was too hurt.

Oh, we had Chrysler one year too. Chrysler came one year. Yeah, Sal came one year. Oh yeah, big Sal volcano. Man, what did we do, four or five times? Yeah, it was great. We'll go again. We all slept in the condo, like floors and stuff Oh, yeah, first time nobody's a draw. All right

Let's just do this show. We did a this is not happening show storytelling shows people was like we don't have room for extra rooms That's right. So we just got air mattresses Amazing. Those are good time. We're gonna remember these days when we're old and gay and in a wheelchair Damn, so Shane was still paying for merch. Shane still had nowhere to be. Now he's like, I'm in eight movies, I'm on an arena tour, I'm in a Bud Light commercial, Under Armour commercial. Yeah, O'Neil's got the Ben Wallace.

Oh yeah. Yeah, those jerseys hidden to jam to be able to find each other in the mountains. Brilliant, brilliant. That's a good idea. I didn't think about that. Oh yeah. Getting them cheap at thrift stores,

just the biggest ones. They're fun. They're fun. Yeah. And you see a Philly jersey popping out of a snow bank and you're like, oh, this finance is a fully covered body. Yeah, it's fun to be able to spot you. And then you get like props on like, oh, hey, that.

And we're all like, I don't, yeah, it was just Canada this past year. I feel bad you came to see Nick and then he saw you left damn. What was it? He walked 16 floors up. I was not aware of it No, I thought he was fucking with him when he texted to me, and I was like haha, and then he was like no I'm not kidding man. I really yeah, he won't take elevators. We'll take random edibles on a mountain Always just your instincts. How are you guys doing?

I'm on two hours of sleep. Love New York, they said it was fucking global warming made the winter stop. Great. It's here, it's back. Yeah, it's nice and 40 degrees, yeah, Trump's America. This is Trump's America. Is this coming out the day of the Super Bowl?

The eighth? The ninth? That's the day of the Super Bowl? The eighth? Ninth? That's the day of the Super Bowl. Who you got? Eagles versus Chiefs, is it? Okay. It's hard to bet against the Chiefs. I know.

God, I wanted the Bills to pull that out. I wanted the Bills to win. Did you see Allen's breath go out of him when they got that last first down? Because the fact that he got that ball off. He got the ball off and it hit him in the hands. That guy should have caught it. And also on fourth down, he made that.

That was a first. Right. That was right on the line. Couple things went against him there, but he just goes like this, he's like this, he's like, and then you just see his puff of smoke as he breathes out his fears and his fucking failures. Soul.

It's kind of like going against Brady where you just kind of wish you were in another conference. Ah. I just want to get there, because dude, you have to go through the Ravens and the fucking... This is legacy. Even the old Bills went to the Super Bowl every year. He's a footnote in 20 years. Sure sure but no one will remember this if you don't go to the show. Wait a minute did the Eagles play the Chiefs in a Super Bowl two years ago? Yeah. I was at that one. chiefs won the chiefs won went to it with Gillis and big J

Man Bert, yeah, and it was a sad sad. I'm gonna make that catch And then you're up Then you then you then you just got to get a field goal Oh felt like that Giants throw and Eli broke through and threw it to Tyree except on fucking caught it Yeah, you know, this is this is last night. I mean the fact that he makes it In a receivers on is it a honky yeah He's a he's a large inter receivers hands ouch And then there was a flag and they just yeah, that's sad

It's sad when they're like hugging you like sorry right then Yeah, what a game Did you hit your wife Peters? Oh, yeah, I Did see a black eye out there. I can understand I don't say hit your wife, but when you're that mad about a football team and she says just one thing wrong What's that Nick DiPaolo joke is like you never said the n-word I guess you never bet any money on the on the magic or something like that That's his fault for betting on the magic. Yeah, it's a laugh bro. Dump it to the left. Ah look at that

But no you had a guy actually you hit the right guy. Oh That hurts. I'm not saying we could have caught that but I could have caught that Chances we make a couple of those catches He put his hands on it, he wasn't like it over He went right to his fuck Big mistake Damn Art we're never gonna see you again I know, I'll be back in

March for like four days And then April, April I'm back, April I'm back Why do you decide to go out like this? I took from June to December off And then I gotta go hard, because I was gonna want to, I, Yeah, but why, but the question is why don't you come back in between more.

Oh, well I scheduled this so I could do press for the special. Got you. I scheduled a week in Nashville, we can, LA, we can, Austin. You're all over my algorithm. I'm going hard next month. I'm doing 20 cities next month.

20 cities? 20 cities. This month. Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah, well, yeah. You got the bus. Those are ready, but yeah, I got the bus already be I got the bus You could see me and you're doing the bus. Yeah, who you going with? Peter nice web filming and we got my tour manager Brian Hubbard

So we were starting on the 11th here, right the booze bags or not They will be for the theater drink. He will for this tour Tulsa Austin Dallas Houston Nola Memphis Knoxville Nashville Birmingham Atlanta and Durham all in this month. I did the Bijou in Knoxville. Great theater. God damn. I heard someone else film there.

That's why I was like... It's good. Oh yeah, I would think that would... You're not filming there are you? No, no, no. But it's one of those when you see it, you're like, oh yeah. And the crowds are fucking perfect. They're happy. Dusty Slave film there. Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah, we got New Haven coming up Providence a bunch of other ones Portsmouth

We added a show there Portland, Maine, Berlin nice Montreal, Toronto Buffalo It goes on on Madison the Orpheum. They send out paper tickets. Oh, no Yeah, it's so old-school that guy he rules you talked about any music gonna be paper in that room. I'm doing a Monday So you're doing some tough markets, too. Well, you gotta go everywhere, baby. Hell. Yeah, I love it Yeah, Bob. Oh is good in San Diego go through my red sauce Please don't go by don't hit me up that tickets are crazy expensive Didn't that crazy people show up and they go I paid $180 these tickets like there's still some left for 30 I know.

What are you doing? Yeah, right? Go to the guy's website. And then they yell at us. Like, we put the prices out. I'm not charging $400. It's confusing though, because a lot of people just Google.

Yeah, tickets. Right. Yeah, just go to our sites. Go to Punch Up, for Christ's sake. Hey, I'm in Reno, not bragging. I'm doing a bunch of casino dates to get a nice purse, and one night only, I'm out of there Who cares about the draw they don't give a fuck anyone there's like

Sometimes you like don't draw well. I'm sorry goes. I don't care Daddy daycare tour dude I'll probably lose it all at the craps table, but I'll hit the buffet Then we're going to Napa Santa Barbara Asheville makeup date for the hurricane Bristol, Tennessee New Brunswick, Ithaca Rochester Port Chester Albany Burlington Wausau, how do you say that?

Green Bay Eugene San Jose well this goes on and on Tell how to line about Eugene once he called it, a Eugene, Oregon, or the town that makeup forgot. Ooh. Not bad. Fucking great. I think Nike's from there. Now they're in Portland, aren't they?

Portland, yeah, right outside Portland, like an hour. You ever go to that store? It's not that great. Really? But you get to shop. You get to just get free stuff. But I feel like you're expecting like cool shit and it's kinda like, they're like,

nah, this is our other shit. Oh, interesting. It's a trek and it ain't great. It's a trek and then the amount of money you spend on a cab out there is like all right that's like two pairs of shoes already. Wow. It's a lot. Interesting. This is a Jewy conversation. It could be it. Yeah it is. Sounds right. I bought a pair of slips or whatever they're called. Vans? No the ones you slip on. Slides. Ah. Jordan Slides. I took him to Southeast Asia by country three they stunk so bad I just soak them overnight in soapy No, the ones you slip on. Slides. Jordan's slides, I took them to Southeast Asia.

By country three, they stunk so bad, I just soaked them overnight in soapy water, pulled them out, they still smelled terrible. And I was like, I just gotta dump these. Some Cambodian villager. No, no, those are cool though. I can't picture you in those. No, those are cool. There's like some light blue.

Oh, those. Yeah, those absorb weird. Yeah, I had all the dots on it. That's it. That's it. But in light blue. Anthony B yeah, those absorb weird. Yeah. Yeah had all the dots on it That's it. That's it in light blue. Do you Anthony Bourdain must have smelled like complete ass? God? He must have you know Yeah, he's kind of fucking hookers some Bourdain over the weekend. It's like man. He's so fucking good. He's good cool

He's the cool guy Fucked up that we live in a world no offense to Guy Fieri But we're Bourdain kills himself and Guy Fieri is just like everywhere thriving. It is a little fucked up I always say Bourdain is Guy Fieri with depression. Yeah, Guy Fieri. It's not too late. Yeah Eight Burt if he eats one more boot and ball. He's gonna croak anyway. He got fat damn I was watching when I was going from a smash mouth to smash burger Way to get it out Yeah, I was watching one board in in Ukraine He's just fucking they went through like three bottles of vodka in one music. It was before it was before the war the war

You didn't hear a Bourdain smashing vodka. I thought you said Fieri. Oh, I think my Fieri, too Oh, yeah, he's a he's an animal. He's cool You couldn't have a Jew on this tour because the the Pepto would go through the roof So as God's is your one is pretty interesting. It was good. Oh really good. He's just like I don't know seems hopeless. This is that All the restaurants they had in that we all looked them up all all closed Oh really a lot were on the border trying to make peace through food. Yeah, didn't work Say they do have similar menus. They do have very similar There was a long piece about like who invented the falafel was

Israel and then they phase finally research it goes Syria All these places you just throw down borders where you throw them so it's like they're eating the same shit right shit But really Russia Ukraine you get the pierogies yeah, or she like a lot of Russian restaurants Just said we're actually Ukrainian Little political maneuver yeah Where is it I went is it? I went to one, it was really good. Really? And the East Village is a really good one.

Get the Gaza Strip steak? Israeli food, for sure. Shut the fuck up influencer voice! Ayat. Ayat, I think that might be it. No, that's it. It was really good. Gary's gonna make me do this on the road. That place is da bomb.

Nice. Nice. All right. All right. Nya, nya, nya, nya, nya. All right, I'm on two hours of sleep. I'm gonna kill my. All right, I wish you came earlier. I know, it's good to see you.

I'm back again. Please. In March or April. Do a full out. He did like a tag team. He left, you showed up. He was great. He was like, sweet. I'm out. Yeah

Yeah, we kind of ran him ragged. We got all the stories out of him. You got him a cab to the airport right? Okay, good good. Hey, we love you guys. We'll see you on the road. Drink Bodega Cat Bodega Cat whiskey.com. New bottle. Well yeah new me comedy I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her.

I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true