We Might Be Drunk - Ep 22: Manhattans

Episode Date: May 10, 2021

This episode is sponsored by Upstart! Find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today when you go to www.upstart.com/drunk    Big thanks to Gotham Podcast Studio for hosting us! 

we might be drunk we might be drunk as long as we are hanging out you know we might be drunk raise a glass let's talk shit pep heaps wrecks and a bit maybe drunk we might be drunk yeah Man, these pretzels are making me thirsty. Keep it in. Are we rolling? All right, we got that. Let's do it. All right, hey, everybody. Here we are.

We Might Be Drunk, episode... 22, I think. Ooh, all right. Good year. Yes. 22, baby. Skidoo, which is a New York term. Skidoo? 23 Skidoo, which is a New York term. Skidoo?

23 Skidoo? I don't know. That's because on 23rd Street, the wind would blow women's skirts up. Is that for real? They called it 23 Skidoo, something like that. I'm off, but give it a go, Matt. This is the year the wind gets me, dude. Here's a clip of what it did to Marilyn Monroe.

That's true, yeah. That was not consensual. Hit me. Today we're doing Manhattan's little fireside chat. Is that what it's called? Fireside cocktails. Fireside cocktails. And we're going to have a chat.

I like fireside chat. There's something nice about that. Yeah. Let's go. We still need a name for our rye. Yeah. We came close on something. Those of you following, we're making our own rye. Yeah. We came close on something. Those of you following, we're making our own rye.

Yes. Send us some names in. Hey, hey. Cheers. A little day drinking. Hey. It is sunny out, folks. This is a Manhattan.

Yeah, that's the thing about our schedule. Sometimes we got to day drink to make this work. We're both on the road again pretty hard. Yeah. Woo. Not bad. Not bad. Good job, Fireside.

But yeah, what was I saying? You were saying we need a name for our ride. Oh, yeah. We've come up with Callback. I like Callback. I like Callback. And then I also like Cockfight. Cockfight's fun.

Yeah, and it's also fun, like us. Or get a little cock with two gloves on it. Yes. And a cigarette in its mouth. Like a dick or a rooster rooster okay we can do the dick i don't know if you want a dick on a bottle yeah i don't think i think that's jarring if you're in a liquor store and you're like oh makers knob creek it's a little aggressive yeah give me the dong although knob creek sounds like a dick yeah my knob does bullet makes you think of a dick yeah that's true it's a bullet but it's like a phallic right remember the washington

bullets were you around for that of course they changed it because i the owner knew someone who got shot which is like such a dumb it's like oh you discovered that bullets hurt people that's a good realization to make yeah but i mean lions hurt people i think it was more the crime aspect yeah but i think it was more the crime aspect. Yeah. But I think it hit the owner personally. Also, I'm sorry, Bullets is a cooler name than the Wizards. Bullets is great, and then you got Grand Wizards.

That's true. So now we're off on this territory. Huh. Yeah. Was it Dimitri Martin used to have a joke where it was like, I'd rather see the actual things fight than the teams? Greg Fitzsimmons. Fitzsimmons. Yeah, yeah. Somebody stole that from him, but that's a whole other pod. Fitzsimmons. Fitzsimmons. Yeah, yeah.

Somebody stole that from him, but that's a whole other pod. Ooh. Yeah, we won't get him. Sorry, Greg. I'll tell you after, but yeah, he's got a whole beef about it. But yeah, Wizards is boring. That's like Harry Potter, Magic the Gathering. Get out of here.

Come on. It's nerdy. This is sports, man. Yes, exactly. What's the next? The Warlocks? The Witches? Yeah. The Elves? The Lion, the Witch, and the next? The Warlocks? The Witches? Yeah.

The Elves? The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe? Fuck this shit. Yeah, exactly. Never read it. Yeah, I don't think I've read it either. I'm still mad about the Utah Jazz. Yeah.

Where has less jazz than Utah? That was in the opening of Basketball. Oh, is that really? Underrated movie. Great movie. They say the Lakers moved to Los Angeles where there are no lakes. Right.

From Minneapolis. And the Jazz moved to Utah where they don't allow music. That was the whole thing in the intro. That's a very underrated movie. Great comedy. First of all,

it's Zucker, I think, directed it, and then the guys, Trey and Matt, wrote it. I met Zucker on, who wrote Naked Gun, by the the way And he wrote Airplane too right

Yes He's written the best slapstick I thought we'd hit it off a little better I met him on the Impractical Jokers cruise He was just hanging out What? Is he a Joker fan? I think he's a fan of the Jokers I think they also just have made

They're so famous they've just made weird friendships. Yeah, I get that. When I was on the Joker's Cruise, it was Doug Stanhope having a conversation with Joey Fatone of Backstreet Boy or NSYNC. NSYNC. Yeah, I was like, what the fuck am I watching? That's like a weird dream. Yeah, it was like one of those Lunesta commercials. I'm like, there's a gopher talking to Lincoln in the kitchen.

You're just sleeping. You're like, it was Hunter S. Thompson was there and Frank Sinatra. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It was, what's that guy's name? Ron Perlman talking to, you know, Timberlake. Yeah, brutal, but fun trip.

It was fun. That was, cruises stressed me out that one of the best parts of that cruise was i'm on the boat with uh great crew of comics it was like rich voss was on tim dillon oh nice ari uh yannis papa's kreischer yeah it was a crew and uh yamanika it was a fun group of people and i remember after one of the shows some were tough you know it's a boat and we're waiting by the door and this woman walks up to me and she goes you were our favorite It was a fun group of people. And I remember after one of the shows, some were tough, you know, it's a boat. And we're waiting by the door. And this woman walks up to me and she goes, you were our favorite right in front of Rich Voss. And he turns to her and he goes, oh, yeah?

Well, your other friends are prettier than you. And everyone laughed except for them, obviously. But like Voss, he's had that loaded for 35 years. Of course, of course. What did Quinn say? Voss is the king of the counterpunch. He really is. You can't beat him in anything. He got me once on ONA.

I mean, I was crushed for like a week. I had to hide it, but I was zinging him, and I felt like I got the best of him, and there was some guest on the show, like some author or some nerd guy. And he goes, you like comedy? And the guy goes, yeah, sure. He goes, you like Mark Norman?

He goes, never heard of him. And Voss just stared at me and I was like, ah, he made the other guy zing me. That was how good he is. Damn. Yeah, it crushed me. That's like Magneto, like just getting the device and throwing it at you.

Yes, exactly, exactly, yeah. He got me once, I was like 21 years old and I did a Friars Club roast of Omarosa, and I bombed so hard, like crushingly hard. Voss goes on after me and bombs a joke and goes, you guys better laugh or I'm bringing Sam back up. The room explodes. It was crushing.

Yeah. I did a Jewish gig in Long Island at a country club. I was eating my ass. I ate my ass for like a half hour kearson went up killed and then vos went up and killed even harder i was like i at first i was like this crowd sucks they're a bunch of stuffy whatever he killed he just sat on the stool and made fun of the guy in the front row he happened to be like the mayor of the club killed he's so quick i know i know i tried to do material i'm like uber huh and they're like

nah we don't take uber we have a driver yeah we're like we don't you're like we're observational comics you don't get what we do here and they're just like just fucking make fun of the room exactly yeah that's all they wanted they wanted racist jokes and making fun of the rich guy in the front that's a great combo yeah i know i know i wish i would have known that i have both of those things but i wasn't ready what you were you were in tacoma right yes how was it great weekend seven shows sold out at capacity but uh just like i did a sellout man they're still buying tickets a lot of the time they comp those those rooms that's those it's your people. Yes, exactly. It was all white. No, it's my people. It's a stinky town.

It is. It smells weird. Yeah, yeah. It's like a port town with factories. It's very old school. It's blue collar. Yeah. But it's blue collar meets Pacific Northwest, so it's pretty and the scenery is unbelievable.

And it's actually a good balance. It is. Yeah, it works. There's hiking and there's like you know misogyny it's got it all but uh great town great club just and i did that la run with all those podcasts so it was like it was nice to go to tacoma and just go to the woods i had a hike you know i am you drink coffee on a picnic table staring at the the sea. Good times. I remember, I haven't been there in a bit, but I remember last time I was there, there's a rec center,

which I love a rec center on the road. I don't know, like with COVID now, I don't know if it's the same, but like you just go in, it's like a $5 day pass. You just play hoops. You can go swimming if you want. Is that a Y? Yeah, same thing. Yeah, yeah.

Rec center Y. But yeah, I was playing with these kids, and there were all these white dudes with earrings. Pacific Northwest. This is the toughest we got. Yeah. They were fucking great. Oh, really?

Yeah, it sucked. I was not getting the ball. I was like, God damn it. I got to just hustle and get rebounds. Yeah. That area, that Washington, Portland, Oregon area is so weird. That Mount Rainier just stares at you. It was just outside my hotel looking at me like

an old man with a boner. Just right in my hotel window. I would just get up every day and have coffee and stare at it. Great time. It's a good little city. And they got those steep hills there. You gotta walk up the hill to get to the club. It's like a black diamond trying to get to the club

every night. It's crazy. It's tough. Yeah, but the crowds were on fire. Crowds were great. They get a little sloppy over there, but it's a fun sloppy. The crowd's like a black diamond trying to get to the club every night. It's crazy. It's tough. Yeah, but the crowds were on fire. Crowds were great. They get a little sloppy over there, but it's a fun sloppy. The crowd's like a stallion, and you got to ride it, you know? But they buy more merch there than anywhere. I sold out all my shirts. I sold a good amount of shirts.

I might have overdone it just with the campaign. It was like five shows. The first time I sold shirts, I think I sold like, I want to say like 70-something. That's great. First time, yeah. I was like, yeah. i think i need a joke about what the thing is i don't have one either i think it might help that might help i was in cleveland which dude i love cleveland cleveland is so underrated i always say it's the best city in ohio suck it cincy then you're fucking chili that's that's it's just like not creative yeah yeah spaghetti with chili it's kind of like you like you you forgot you had ingredients and you're like i'll whip this

together right right it's like a high guy on chopped you know it's a high guy job but it's also like okay you did that once you don't just own it and make it your thing yes exactly that's a good point skyline chili it's just shitty pasta right yeah it's shitty pasta with you know meat sauce i like chili i love and i like chili is my do you make chili no i should i'm not a fireman but uh i should have you made chili i make it all the time that's one of my pandemic i did it constantly because it was like, beginning of the pandemic, it was like a good, it's just a good food at last. You can put it in the freezer.

It's fun to make. You really just, all you have to do is keep dumping ingredients until it tastes the way you like. It's for a novice cook like myself, it's perfect. Interesting. I've never thought to make, I love it. I get it at Wendy's. I'm the guy who gets chili at Wendy's.

I get some, you can make it pretty healthy too. You like some turkey meat you get a bunch of veggies some hot peppers i throw some sauce up in that motherfucker i make it i make it nice and spicy some hot sauce i uh i'm so impressed i go black and pinto beans i mix it you would love it this is my kind of meal i like hearty i like comforty the best and dude i've got this is i mean it's not like i came up with this but this is a nice little touch if you want to stay keep it healthy and it tastes delicious substitute for sour cream greek yogurt tastes great tastes great bunch of cheese some avocado on there uh squeeze some tostitos drop it on got yourself a fucking hearty little meal oh i'm hearty holy shit that is very impressive i love it yeah man you're like a you're like an old detective at home you're drinking whiskey making chili and

i'm in a like i picked you in a trench coat with boxers oh my god that's great yeah i'm gonna try that because uh well what's the base is it a tomato base you could do that i like what i like to do there's a lot of way i mean you can kind of get creative with it i like to just uh i dump a bunch of beans i do a few cans of beans i try to strain it a little so it's not too watery a bunch of beans i probably go like a little more black than pinto but i mix it up dump some salsa in there i do a bunch of veggies oh man i'm on board hot peppers bell peppers. Woo! And then you got to get that meat in there. I love it, man.

And you just got to have a big pot? Yeah, big pot. Stir it. It's fun. You kind of let it go. You can kind of let it simmer and just watch TV or something or work on something. It's a fun thing to do because you just keep adding stuff. I like stuff that you just keep adding.

Yes. And then you're like, oh, I can just keep. As long as you don't go too hard with the spice, you keep doing it gradually. You get it to the right place. I fucking love it. I'm very impressed, and I'm excited. I got to come over. Come over.

Let's do a chili day. Because, see, I'm the guy at the restaurant who gets the soup. You ever go to a restaurant? Because I get the soup almost every time, and they're always surprised. Because no one buys soup at a restaurant. You're the biggest soup guy I've ever met. I love soup. I like a chowder, a bis a chili uh a broth a gumbo you

name it you ever go to the soup nazi in uh new york i did i wasn't impressed it was fine it's very expensive way it was like nine dollars for a cup and then it was just like a banana and i'm like what's with the banana yeah they give you a banana oh i didn't get a banana they always give you a banana oh it's like it's like what you, my fucking mom packing me for soccer practice here? Yeah, banana. How about a piece of bread, you psycho? I didn't get bread, too. Oh, okay.

Banana. The lobster bisque is pretty good there. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. But I waited in line. It was a cold day. It was $9. I went there from visiting from New Orleans because it was still, I don't know, 1999.

So the soup Nazi was still hot. But yeah, I haven't gone back since. But even as a tourist, I was still, I don't know, 1999. So the Soup Nazi was still hot. But yeah, I haven't gone back since. But even as a tourist, I was like, eh. He was pissed, I think, that they called him the Soup Nazi. He sued and won. Wow. Yeah, they settled out of court, but he did all right. Soup Nazi.

Yeah, you probably couldn't do that now. Yeah, probably not. At least not on NBC. Yeah, that's true. I mean, they went hard. They had like a masturbation episode. They had a date rape episode. But they don't say it.

They always say things like master of your domain. They kept it very, like even the way Letterman would do a sex joke, it was very much like a wink and a nod to the crowd. Right, right. Look at The Office. That's like 10 years ago. Oh, retard joke, black joke. They go nuts.

Rape jokes. It's like, this is crazy is mbc dude a lot it's they've pulled it in more quickly than any 10 years i think of any time uh network i think so yeah i think you're right well i think with the internet and everything everything has been sped up so we've always kind of progressed as a society but it's just been amplified and sped up because of the internet because you can talk more yeah and more things like this happened on this you're like all right sorry let me do my apology tour i fucked up i loved your tweet the other day about uh hey you're like say you're sorry okay i'm sorry and you're

like you didn't mean that why did it mean the joke oh yeah exactly that's that's comedy in a nutshell folks i pinned it down this happened to me in Tacoma. It's not just comedy. It's like people demanding apologies for things. Sometimes we just say shit. We speak so much that we're going to misstep sometimes. Of course. Yeah, totally. And just because you're upset by it, I might not be, so I don't know where you're at.

We have different lines. It's funny. It's like, man, who's the best basketball player of all time? Michael Jordan? He missed shots. Ah, good point. It's like pulling him aside. Why'd you miss that shot?

Because I don't make every shot I take. Yes, exactly. I'm trying here. I have to make a shot to see if it'll land. That's the only way to know. You can't write it in your house. You can write it in your house, but you still never know unless you test it. You know you know what's interesting Ari said this to me Ari Shafir once said this to me like he's like the reason I never tweet is because it's like he's like you know what the comedy seller when you go downstairs and there's someone who's not a part of the show but they have

to go downstairs to use the bathroom that he said that's what Twitter is to me wow that's great people I think it's a great observation it's people walking in who aren't a part of the show and now they're upset. Like, what did you say? That's great. Those are the people, because Twitter you get retweets, so it's a new audience.

That's how you build a base a little bit, right? But a lot of those people are like, how dare you? And you're like, you don't get that I'm being sarcastic right now. Yeah, yeah, this is a performance. This is a comedy show. This is all meant to get a laugh. That's it.

I'm not a politician. I'm not trying to change the world. Just trying be a fucking i mean a fart can be funny but if somebody walks into your fart cloud you're an asshole you know but it was just for humor for yucks yeah what was the mel brooks quote it was a uh comedy is uh a tragedy is when i get a paper cut comedy is when you fall off a cliff uh i might cliff I'm paraphrasing so I might be wrong on that Sounds pretty good Sounds right Charlie Chaplin said

He was talking to some guy about comedy And this is like the best comedy Advice I've ever heard Somebody's like alright He's like okay you got a guy on the street make that funny And the guy goes okay okay He's walking down the street and he falls in a manhole. How funny is that?

Charlie Chapman's like, hold on. Let me make it funny. Guy's walking towards a manhole. You think he's about to fall in? He gets hit by a car. That's comedy. And I'm like, oh, that's great, because you've got to be one step ahead. That's not just comedy.

That's life. Ooh, there you go. That's like you spend your whole life worrying about one life. Oh, there you go. That's like you spend your whole life worrying about one thing. Another thing fucks you. Yeah, so true. So true. Like Sam Kinison died on the highway by another drunk driver. This is the biggest coked up alcoholic, you know, womanizer, fat fuck, you know, crazy

rock star comedian. T-boned by a drunk driver. Shouts out to Carla Bove, by the way. RIP Carla Bove. Sam Kinison's opener. I never met him, but I respected him a lot. I never did either, but everybody loved him and had great things to say and said he murdered.

Yeah. Man, Kinison, that is interesting. Yeah, you're right. He fucking, he died at the at the hands it's fucking crazy yeah so god damn it live folks well think about it you think also covid makes me think of this shit too where you're like it's crazy the things we worry about and then covid happens this is a worry no one would have predicted oh fine some people are like a pandemic's coming yeah people said that but for the most part this was not the thing the average person was worried about

and then this happens and you're like man this wiped out like not only so many people but so many businesses you know i know i know so true and nobody saw it coming yo you got the psycho and the weirdo with the bunker who's got eight cans of uh tuna fish and costco black beans and garbanzo beans all day long but nobody saw this shit tuna fish you got me fucking now you got me jones and for some oh sam hasn't eaten today for the for the i haven't eaten i'm drinking on a i we got some we got some peanut butter pretzels so i could soak up some of those booze but i came i came without eating i fucked up yeah well we got a free meal at the city winery oh hell yeah i based my whole life around free meals me too i planned them i planned my whole

day so do i like i'm like okay i'll be at the club at 7 30 it's a good meal too they got good food great food in cleveland at that club at hilarities check it out dude i by the way i just quick shout out to hilarities in cleveland if you live in cleveland go to hilarities it's it's it is a national staple. I think we might have even forgotten to mention it as one of the best clubs in a couple weeks ago. Oh, yeah. Because we just, sometimes we forget. But, dude, that is like a top five club in the country.

It's insane. Top five. When you go to that club and then you go to another club a week later, Syracuse, you're like, what the fuck is going on? You could have this, but you have this. I remember i got in trouble at syracuse once uh my agent at the time said what did you do you walked like 30 people and i was like uh my act nah what did i do fuck all of you yeah right i bombed it's, that's a bomb. I've never walked 30 on a bomb. That's the cues for you.

It's tough. It's in a mall. It's Syracuse. You got a lot against you there. You really do. It's freezing cold. Nobody's happy. They should be happy at the show.

I know. We're not cold in the showroom. Bring the fucking energy, guys. Please, please. I think it's a lot of papered tickets for us or it used to be yeah well well dude that was the thing people don't get like papered for those of you that don't know what you're talking about it's free tickets and guess what you have no investment in a free show no one gives a shit no one gives a shit and they're they're kind of like you you you're lucky i'm here i drove here i the car. I'm buying two drinks.

Bring it, Dickless. Like, you make me laugh instead of like, hey, let's have a good night. That's how we're feeling. Like, I got some great jokes. You got some laughs. Here we go. But they're like, nah, you got to pull it out of me. But I think that's the general public for the most part.

Probably. Because you think about things, it's harder than ever to be an entertainer now and i think we were always guys that like needed laughs immediately yeah but think about how people consume content now it's like an algorithm based on shit you already like so we're competing with that so we sneak in people like fuck this guy i fucking hate this guy because it people's time is more valuable than ever right they're like mad that you infringed upon their time yeah especially when they could just be sitting at home with streaming tv they got their phone in their hand they got grubhub at the door i mean everything is right there and then now now we're like hey you got to listen for a minute to laugh at this you got to hear the setup

you got to pay attention so we're asking a lot now more than ever we're asking a lot but also they're given the least that they've ever given like we might be asking a lot but they're getting the most free content that's ever been available ever true and they've never been more critical i know but that's that's human nature i think the more you get we're gonna get a montage of those birds hey look who showed up the more you give the more you want this is how people are you know like no one ever goes hey this is great we have all this stuff now they go what's next you know it's like louie's joke about the uh the internet on the plane the internet we have internet on a plane now it went out for one

second what the fuck and that's just kind of how people work yeah no you're right we want it right when we get it we want it to work perfectly every time and never go backwards i mean i relate to that bit it sucks when a bit of a comedian you love where you're like fuck i do that like yeah like i definitely like man wi-fi my hotel goes out i'm like come on i know i know we go to length to have things set up the way we like and we travel so much so when anything goes wrong it's it's pretty disappointing i try to check myself a little more. I'll be honest. My recommendation for this week to go into it, therapy. Ah, interesting. It's not a movie.

It's not a book. I went back into therapy today, and holy shit, I need it. Really? I've been holding some shit down. Oh, man. It's going to make me a better human being because i took time off and i i swear to god i tried to do a bit about this but when i i quit therapy all the time and whenever i quit he looks at me like i'm an athlete in my prime walking away where he's

just like you've got a lot left to give i don't know why but i i really i need it i need therapy i i definitely i I push it down. And just talking to him today, I was like, wow, I have not dealt with my shit. Interesting. And I am punishing other people with my shit. Is this work, lady, family, friends? Everything. Everything. It's very hard to deal with family stuff because I think your family stuff is like, it's a pattern now.

It just is what it is. You never, you're not like a 10 year old like hey mom dad we need to talk about this yeah we have a pattern that's that's not really working for me no you just keep repeating that pattern until it becomes normal and then and then you make you base your relationships on that right right so these aren't fixed exactly instead like a circle with my mom instead like is just going in a circle. With my mom instead, like, is an example. Like my mom, I love my mom so much, I have a great mom. But like I'll do things, like she'll sometimes,

you know as entertainers we don't always feel seen. I think like we're similar in that way. We're like, we say shocking things because we didn't feel seen growing up. Sure. You know what I mean? You got that right. That's like our, that's our thing.

Like we don't feel, like you had an overachieving brother as well oh yeah and a genius bro literally a genius yeah my brother and sister same shit so it's like you you do that to stand out you felt like a black sheep yes same shit here it's like it's patterns so you know with in my case yeah like i always thought my mom and she's so proud of me like she i know she's proud of me but there are times where she's like you should do you should write a shouts and murmurs for the new yorker or something and i'm just like it's not the type of comedy i do mom and she's like

you should do that and instead of being like you know it hurts my feelings when you don't see me or like value me for who i am i'm just like that's not what i do and so do you keep that so you don't fix the problem you just keep it fucking going yeah yeah but do you say that's not what i do so do you keep that so you don't fix the problem you just keep it fucking going yeah yeah but do you say that's not what i do or you just you just i just get upset and i bottle it i do the same thing and that's what i'm trying and that's just one of like maybe a hundred things i'm working on right oh you might need a two-hour sesh we might need a sesh no i mean i haven't gone in the whole pandemic you can do that for a massage i think you should be able to do that for therapy hey you know let's make this 90 yes you should be able to do it for therapy and you know what jerk me off

but now i'm really confused got jerked off by an old bearded man but the beauty is you get to talk to him about it after and deal with it but yeah no i'm with you i'm the same way my mom that's the thing about moms is they care they know we like comedy so they that's her way of being like hey I'm related to my son the the murmurs thing which I've never even heard of shouts and murmurs it's a new yorker piece it's like every every article every magazine I mean the worst radio morning team in history this is shouts and murmurs how you doing murmurs you got that right all right here? You got that right. All right, here we go. Traffic on lane five. I'm the same way. My mom will

show up at home for Christmas or Thanksgiving. I haven't seen them in months because they live in New Orleans. They'll just go, hey, here you go. They'll put a stack of magazines and newspapers on the table. I'm like, what's this? There's a comedy article in there. Each one of those is a comedy piece. I'm like, what's this? And they're like, there's a comedy article in there. And each one of those is a comedy piece.

And I'm like, okay, so should I sift through all? This is going to take me three weeks. You know, this is like a stack. Have they heard of email? Yeah, I'm like an old accountant with the, I got a green visor on, you know, I'm like, I feel like I got a big file I have to deal with now. So I'm like going through it and they're like,

it's somewhere in there. They talk about Joan Rivers. I'm like, oh, great. I'm like, I feel like I got a big file I have to deal with now. So I'm like going through it and they're like, it's somewhere in there. They talk about Joan Rivers. I'm like, oh, great. I'm like, this is it. How about a hug, a conversation or ask me how the show was or the weekend or the gig or whatever. And they're showing love as best they can. Yeah, they're trying. And that's the thing that we have to accept. Like, I'm telling you, man, like when you leave therapy and you go back you feel the same way

you quit working out and you go to the gym that first session you're like fuck now is it in in person no i'm doing zoom okay because i i took off the whole pandemic with alan because i didn't want to do a rock zoom yeah sorry i don't know if we're supposed to say his name but that's all right i didn't want to do zoom so i was like i'll be all right but i got some shit so maybe i'll go back and see if he's willing to go in person i think you should go back i'm gonna go back i mean i remember the first time you went you called me i was like holy shit there's like a different side of mark i've never seen this side no yeah i was doing it would suck because i remember you called me or like there's so much i want to say right now and then uh i think i was about to like tape

something i was about to go on and do some bullshit. And then I got off and I was like, I called you back and you're like, ah, no, I'm good. I was like, I missed a moment.

Yeah. Mark was like really being vulnerable. I was kind of interested in it. After therapy, it's like doing a set because you have like 30 minutes of like, whoo. After a set, you're like,

I'm Superman for 30 minutes. And then it fizzles away and you hate yourself again. And after therapy, you're like, I'm healthy. And then it goes away again. I mean we're drinking like i went to therapy now i'm like ah here we're drinking fireside cocktails but i gotta say you came in and you you were kind of glowing more of a glow than normal i i feel uh it feels good to work on it like it feels like

that's something that's you know so yeah all right i'm making an appointment i gotta get back it's it's important for me and like look if i'm not saying it's important for everybody some people don't need it but yeah but if you feel that you're needing it look up if your health insurance uh covers it also a lot of therapists work sliding scale like yes what a fucking cool thing that they do that you know i mean so yeah what's your rec by the way uh well that's a great one boy that was heavy stuff and i'm i'm glad you brought it up but uh mine was uh i'm at home i'm flipping through the channels my mom speaking of mom texted me hey and whenever she texts i'm like this is gonna be some kind of project i got a whole thing my mom She wants to write a book with me. And I'm like, I don't want to write a book.

And she's a big cook cunt. She's like a foodie bitch. So she's like, hey, you give me a comic, and I'll write a recipe about them. And I'm like, all right, all right. That's kind of fun. I used to like when Caroline's did the Dave Attell or the Damon Wayans.

You ordered a cocktail. That's kind of a fun idea. I guess, yeah. But I'm like, all right. No one's going to buy it. Who's going to buy the Dave Coulier quiche? But all right, whatever. So I'm like, I like this guy.

So I'm like, Groucho Marx. She's like, all right. And she comes back. She's like, he's a Jewish guy from New York. How about some lox? I'm like, OK, great. I like this. I'm into this.

It's a whole thing. But whatever. So she texts me. I'm like, oh, it's going to be some cooking shit. And she's like, the Mark Twain doc is on Amazon Prime. It's amazing. And I was like, oh. Wow.

And I had nothing going on, so I put it on. It's six hours or something, or four hours. I watched the whole thing. It was unbelievable. I'm going to watch it this week. I can't wait. Ken Burns. Ken Burns rules.

He rules. Did you watch The Hemingway? I'm halfway through that, and that's great. It's incredible. Yeah, but I steal cable, and it went out during that, so I got to get back on the horse. No, no, that's PBS. It's free.

I don't even have cable. I know, but I don't have cable. What do you use? PBS, it's free. You just go on YouTube. Oh, is that right? No, you just type in Hemingway documentary into Google, and it comes up. Oh, okay.

Yeah. All right, I was watching on my stolen thing. Yeah. But all right, I'll do that. I'll watch Mark Twain this week. That's interesting. So it's amazing? Amazing, because first of all, the guy was killer, a killer comic, great writer.

He has some zings that you're like, he's so quick. Yeah. He traveled the world at one point, went to the Nile River and he goes, how much for a boat on the Nile? And the guy goes, eight dollars. This is like 1890 or whatever. He's like, whew, no wonder Jesus walked. Wow.

He was just zinging and zanging. He had some great lines. I wish I could remember other ones. He tried to kill himself at one point before he made it. Tried to kill himself. Right after that, he makes it. So it's like the gun jammed. I mean, it's crazy shit.

And it's PBS and it's Ken Burns, so it's drawn out. But it's not like it's six parts like these other ones. Like World War II, it's 12 hours. But you feel like you're learning when you watch those things. I mean, it's like Ken Burns really is incredible. Incredible. He's a national treasure. Have you seen a photo of him? Yeah, those things. I mean, it's like Ken Burns really is incredible. Incredible. He's a national treasure. Have you seen a photo of him?

Yeah, yeah. He's tiny. He's tiny. He's got weird hair. He's a perfect looking doc guy. He looks like he bakes cookies and trees the rest of his spare time. Yeah, he does. So teeny.

But I love the things he chooses, like the way he goes about the narrative and everything. And it's really touching. And the tragedy in this guy's life, my God, it puts all our bullshit in perspective. Like the things we bitch about. I'm like, the air fryer, they sent the wrong color. And he's like, my kid died today. And then my brother died in the war. And it's heavy shit.

Smoked 40 cigars a day. 40? 40. That's just one of the fun nuggets in there. 40 cigars in a day. I watched it with my girl. She was about to hang herself. She was so bored, but I was like.

Yeah, we got to compromise. I was on edge. Yeah, I loved it. Damn, 40. There's a famous story about Che Guevara where his doctor said you could only smoke two cigars a day for your health, and he started smoking cigars this long. Ah, that's great. It's crazy. It's also funny. It's like, you're a revolutionary. Just let him do what he wants. this long ah that's great it's crazy it's

also funny it's like you're a revolutionary just let him do what he wants i know he's not gonna live that long right right he's just killed people um 40 cigars in a day yeah that is phenomenal and he like tackled race before everybody uh he tackled all this shit he was a big big atheist guy like because his whole family dies i don't give too much away so he's just like why do we believe in this guy why do we think he's great and shitting on god he got a lot of hate but he also was loved and then towards the end of his life people kind of caught on to how genius he was and they would just fly him out to like england and just to ask him advice and stuff it It's fucking fascinating. Damn. These days he would have been like on Loveline or something.

No, it's so crazy. He, yeah, he really was a genius, man. It's funny. I'm always thinking of Jesse Pop's bit about him. I remember the whole controversy about how it was N-word Jim. Oh, yeah. It was the actual N-word. And he goes, we should change it to N-word Jim.

And Jesse Pop's like, I got a crazy idea. How about Jim? Jesse Popp, underrated comic. He's funny. Check him out. He's got great stuff. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

So that was my wreck. And it was four hours and you don't feel it. I watched it in two parts, loved it. Damn. Heavy stuff. Hey, hey, folks. We Might Be I watched it in two parts, loved it. Damn. Heavy stuff. Hey, hey, folks. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Upstart.

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and certain other information provided in your loan application. And now go to upstart.com slash drunk. Nobody got on a peeve. Okay. People blasting music from their car. We all miss DMX. It's 6.45 a.m., dude. Yeah.

Drives me nuts. I grew up with this. In my neighborhood, there was a lot of music blasting and all that. And who is it for? Are you letting other people know? Are you enjoying being in a metal box with blaring music? I don't get it. You're a graphic tea personality.

You need people to know. And also, you're forcing your bullshit. Like, how about this? We live in a society where you don't need to impose your personality on everyone in a 50-foot radius. Right. How about just doing your thing? I love quiet people.

I love people that keep to themselves and people who surprise you and people who are better when you get to know them. People who lead aggressively like that, this is you at your best and it's only getting fucking worse. That's true. You're a rotten onion. Rotten onion?

What are you, my grandpa? This guy's a rotten onion. This guy's an old turnip. That was one of the slurs from Mark Twain's time. You rot an onion? Yeah. No, you're true. I mean, you're true.

You're right. It's so true. It's like these guys have nothing to say. They got no personality, so they got to show you with this loud music or this crazy neck tattoo or a mohawk or there's got to be something. Instead of having anything within you or a cool thought, it's got to be this aggressive, over-the-top showing of, hey, look at me.

I got this. I i'm loud i hate it it's not talent it's it's you're right it's like a talent substitute you're like right i i want attention i want attention but all i'm gonna do is be fucking annoying yeah uh that's it's a real peeve that's a big peeve and we need women to stop fucking these guys. Ladies. Yeah. Don't see the guy drive by with the blaring DMX and go, this guy, he's the one I should be letting inside me. Yeah, that'll make them stop. That's the only thing stopping these douchebags.

No, they'll be louder if they don't get laid. They want more attention. Well, that's the thing I never got about the banging with the ladies is like, you know women are always like oh i hate this guy i hate that guy but the bully in school in my high school always had the hottest girls yeah the the loud guy always got the hottest girls i'm like ladies you could you gotta you guys have vagina population control it works both ways i think confidence goes a long way like the hot chick was also kind of an asshole a lot of the time. I mean. That's true.

But at least we love them and leave them. You know, we're not dating them. I just think that's the difference. Like women were seeking relationships and men were like, but men would date shitty women. I think. That's true. I do think it works both ways. But you're right.

The bully always had a hot chick. Always had a hot chick. Always. Yeah. Yeah. And like, you know, women shit on frat guys and Wall Street guys, but they always cleaned up. but you're right the bully always had a hot chick always had a hot chick always yeah and like you know women shit on frat guys and wall street guys but they always cleaned up i don't know it's interesting yeah they shit on them but deep down they've got money and wall street guys you can

shit on them but fuck madoff's wife didn't know what was going on i know right cosby's wife knew what was going on Carmella Soprano knew Tony wasn't on the level Exactly not sanitation Come on sister He had a goomba Cosby's wife that's gotta be a rough Way to go that's a real 180 Oh my god

I mean I'm sure she wasn't thrilled I'm sure like back at like 20 years ago She wasn't like I love my life yeah but you know those jello chicks are still coming in i guess she's still rich it's got to be weird to see that power shift where it went i remember judd apatow once at the cellar said we were just like hanging a bunch of comics and he's like his comedy never made sense to me because his wife was always so angry at him over like nothing and i was like wow that's a great observation interesting like on the show no just like in stand-up he'd be like he goes i'm sorry and it's like you're fighting

over aftershave or some bullshit like it was always like the most minor offense and she was furious at him he was like he was doing bad shit right but you But, you know. Oh, man. Yeah, I can't imagine the fighting in that house. She's like, we never have sex anymore. He's like, you're always awake. Come on. Let's do it for me. You're always awake.

This is really, he's like, you never falling asleep has been a big problem for me. Yeah, yeah. During couple therapy. She drinks a lot of coffee. Yeah, right, right, yeah. Exactly. I. She drinks a lot of coffee. Yeah, right, right, yeah. Exactly. I touch her, she wakes right up. It's like Rodney's cadence right there. I'll tell you, I'm trying to sleep with my wife.

I fuck her, she wakes right up. I'll tell you, I get no respect in this household. No respect. Rodney as Cosby is a funny, funny character. I'm one of the worst serial rapists of all time, I'll tell you, but no one saw it coming. Rodney in Natural Born Killers is one of the all-time dark comic turns. Oh, my God. I didn't see that coming.

So good. I was watching that movie as a kid through fingers, and I'm like, wait, Rodney's in this? What the fuck's going on? Rodney Dangerfield's groping his daughter? Yeah. That was wacky. Yeah, that was too much. Are Are we gonna do that in the future We got some crazy horror movie

It's like is that Jim Carrey What's going on Is Jim Carrey fucking a kid Alright Hey here's a peeve Now I got into it with this gal I was with my lady and we're out At a museum

And I go how much is the tickets you know i'm like getting my wallet out and the the woman it was like this young kind of hipstery girl and she goes it's uh 10 bucks for whatever and five for seniors and i go oh well she's a senior you know pointing to my lady and she got she giggled and this gal's like wow rude wow and i knew she was trying to get me on some like you know whatever pc shit or whatever and i'm like well actually there's nothing wrong with being a senior so you're rude and she goes wah wah wah whatever i'm like no no no whatever you tried to get me and you wanted me to go with it. So now when I get you, you're pulling a wah-wah whatever. What if I just whatever you?

Wah-wah is the ultimate wet blanket move. Yeah, she goes, wah-wah whatever. Like, what do you mean whatever? I'm going off your dumb rules. I'm playing your rules. I beat you. And now you're mad at me. Oh, I hated her.

That's good. Yeah, that's, you made such a harmless joke, and she's just clearly on her high horse. Exactly. She's on the high horse, so I high-horsed her. Yeah. I doubled down. I, like, what do you call it?

Where did high horse come from, by the way? You think you're better because you're on a high horse? I think by that logic, you think you're better because you're in a high car. Hummer. Oh. Same shit. It was the high horse person, the Hummer person back in the day.

Right, right. Yeah, but, you know, a Hummer is worse than a Porsche. For sure. So, yeah, that's a weird argument. Maybe the emperor was on the highest horse or something. Maybe. So you, she tried to get you and she just fucking, yeah, she sounds like she sucks. I kinged her. I put two stacks on her, you know, and she just fucking, yeah, she sounds like she sucks. I kinged her.

I put two stacks on her, you know, and she was like, whatever. Like, oh, so your whole system is flawed then. Because if you were true to yourself, you'd go, ah, okay, you're right. But you don't believe any of your own bullshit. That's why it bugged me. If you're going to play that shit with a stranger, you got to play it. You got to play it. You got to commit.

You can't just be like, I win. Yes, yes. She just wanted to win. That's what bugs me about that whole thing is like, you just want the scalp. You want the kill. You want the gotcha. But you don't actually want to play by the rules. Everyone wants the credit.

No one wants to do the work. I mean, look at when you post a video now. Everyone writes first. You want credit for being on your phone more than me great point that's what you want first that's not an accomplishment i'm first you should take a break yeah you shouldn't be first first is a negative first should be embarrassing you ever you ever look at your instagram stories you're like i wonder how many views this got and you see and it's up for like 30 seconds you buy oh it's a new one and you see and you're like oh that's weird they saw it first first is not a good thing right first is like showing up

an hour early to a party oh yes so true yeah that's not an accomplishment you're not impressive you're the loser here and you're letting us know you're the loser you let us know you're a loser all the same time you think you're the winner yeah You let us know you're the loser, all at the same time, you think you're the winner. Yeah, I know. First, all caps, eight exclamations. I'll tell you, these first people, they got the smallest cocks I've ever seen, you know? But that's like going to a party and going, first, imagine that guy.

What a psycho. It's insane. First is fucking, it's the worst. First is the worst. First is the worst. You heard it here. First. First. Okay. Now, this is another pet peeve, and this has nothing to do with people.

This is just my own bullshit. You see this a lot in cities in New York or wherever. The address, first of all, I hate an address that's hard to find. You're like, okay, there's a business here. What is that? That's the phone number. Okay, that's the whatever. I need the number of the street.

I'm on 14th Street. What is the address number? And then you look and it says 3800 Broadway. But Broadway's around the corner. But they still want to be considered on Broadway. So the business wraps around the corner. I used to deliver pizza, and this would drive me up the fucking wall.

Just put the address out, give me a clear number, make it simple, and then sometimes it's like 49 1⁄2, or this side of the street's 46, and that side's 47, but there is no 47. We went straight to 49. It's confusing. It's an ego thing. You want to be part of a cooler avenue

right and and you've made it confusing you've made it confusing i'm just trying to drop off the pizza here folks no it drives me crazy and it makes it much harder to you know for for delivery people makes it much harder for ubers it makes you're just making everyone's life harder i know so just fucking cut it out and be yourself that's what the problem is you're trying to be a different address than you actually are I want it 46 48 50 52 why why does it have to be weird you know it's trans of addresses yeah okay it's like I'll play along for trans like that's your life but this is an actual this is the thing where I'm like no this is a thing this isn't a person so just be your fucking be what it is yeah and you're not the fucking bat cave like why are you so hard to find i want this to be a you

know this is a deli or a pizza shop or a coffee shop or a house like i'm trying to give you packages or pizza whatever brutal yeah yeah i'm with you 100 it's all the all the address you want is always mysteriously gone you're like okay, okay, there's 58. There's 60. What the hell? Where's 59? Okay, 59 should be over there, but it jumps up to 71. Like, ah, dressing nuts. Also, yeah, also if you live in one of those places,

you have to just be like every time like, no, no, no, it's here. Yes. So it's annoying too. Right. This building is great because they put a big piece of paper taped to the wall. Do you see that? It just says the address. I'm like, thank you.

I love it. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. I love it. Hey, let's treat this as if we're dumb as shit. Yeah. And let's make this easy for everyone. Well, we got the GPS now, which I think has upped the dumbness, because you're like, oh, the computer will figure it out.

Dude, I remember doing the road with Joe List, and he was driving off a map. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. A map. Yeah, I delivered pizza at 17, and I had MapQuest printouts. I had an almanac thing. MapQuest is different than an actual map, though. MapQuest at least is like you're going, I'm going to the left.

Left, right. Right? Yeah. Where a map is like this is, I go two inches. Right. That's fucking insane. Yeah, yeah. No good.

No good. At least this thing goes, you have arrived. And you're like, all right, so I'm in the area. But still. Do you have the audio on when you do insane. Yeah, yeah. No good. No good. At least this thing goes, you have arrived. And you're like, all right, so I'm in the area. But still. Do you have the audio on when you do it too? Oh, yeah. Really? I like the audio.

Damn. When I'm driving in LA, I need it. Because you don't want to just be like. You rent a car in LA? Every time. I'm an Uber guy. I just can't. I can't trust you.

Every now and then you get like, be there in 12 minutes. You're like, oh, shit. It's a 12 minute ride. Now I'm adding the full double the ride. I get stressed out because sometimes they'll chat with you and I'm just like, if I'm there, I'm doing like podcasts all day or something. And I'm like, oh, I don't have it, man.

Yeah, I got nothing in the tank. Like not even like, I'm not even trying to be rude. I'm like, I just don't have it. I get it. I get it. Yeah. You know, you want to be like, here, just let me play my sagora episode

really loud talk to this guy this is entertaining i got nothing left in me i'm so with you yeah people don't realize that because they're like oh you can't talk you some kind of big shot you're like i'm out i'm tired it's like i hit the gym and now you want me to do curls i was done i was in cleveland i was just like the guy thank god he just talked but didn't expect me to do curls. I'm done. I was in Cleveland. I was just like the guy. Thank God he just talked but didn't expect me to talk back. Yeah. You know, morning flight. I was exhausted.

Yeah. I was in a car with a couple. Oh, sorry. Sorry, I cut you off. Oh, no. He was just giving me the whole rundown of Cleveland. But it was like kind of charming. He was like clearly loved it.

And I was like, no, I kind of like it. I kind of like how into Cleveland he is and it's making me more into Cleveland. I don't mind that and those guys will just go, you know. If they just want to go, it's like a museum thing where you're like, you just go, I'll sit back and watch this. But if they need engagement, I'm kind of

like, oh dude, I woke up at 4am and I got nothing. Yeah, totally. And I just want to close my eyes and daydream about, you know, my ex. But it's so true that uh that they they'll just go but the problem with communicating and conversation is the reacting yeah that's really what wears you out it's not thinking of stuff to say it's not trying to be charming it's like uh-huh oh is that right get out that's what wears you out well they listen

to a podcast they look at us the way we look at a crowd. If we're not giving them enough energy, they're kind of like, guess I'm bombing. Yeah. It's a fucking, it's an Uber. When you put it like that, I feel guilty then. For sure. Yeah, interesting.

It's a show we didn't sign up for. Aha! Much like the paper tickets. Well, they signed up though. That's true, they came. We used to do comedy. Ambush. Ambush shows. Yes.

People would be eating dinner, and we'd have to just go up and be like, well, you guys suck, and they're like, it's a first date. You know what I mean? They weren't happy. That's true. Good point. This Manhattan is not too shabby, I'll tell you. No, it's hitting the spot.

It's hard not to. I got four shows tonight. I got four, too. Where are you? The Stand, 13th Step, Brooklyn, City Winery. I'm Gotham, The Cellar, City Winery, The Cellar. Oh, that's a good night. It's a good night.

You're on the west side the whole night. Real good night, I'll tell you. That's what it's all about. Gotta get some new jokes to hit. I know, me too, man. Oh, I had something about the Uber. Damn it, I lost it. Oh, I got it back.

I can't believe I got it back. I was in a car with a bunch of comics, and I'm a backseat guy. Everybody fights over shotgun. I don't want shotgun. Too much pressure in shotgun. There's, like, weird radio stuff. Also, you do more reacting in shotgun because the driver's talking.

You got to go, oh, yeah, get out of here, whatever. Backseat, check the phone every now and then. You can kind of zone out. You can come in when you want with the convo. I love backseat. Well, you're chill chill type a alpha dudes always want shotguns so they can control the radio oh maybe that's it i don't want any control i'm good yeah i'm fine with it and i'm saying i'm with you uh i also i'm also a very nervous like you know i back i have a bad back always and i'm always like i'm in the front seat i want to make sure they have enough room in the back you know yeah so i it's hard for me to enjoy

the front oh yeah i just prefer i'm with you i prefer low pressure low press it's the same with the grill guy you know you go to the barbecue he's like whoa whoa you're flipping those wrong let me do the grill get out of the way i got it you're like great you do it i don't want to fucking pay attention to patties you get to do the grill you're tony soprano you're the guy that everyone wants to fucking kill yeah i'm just a dude eating free fucking meat yeah exactly exactly i'm laid back and and also who are these psychos that have to have this right music i don't like the song i'm like i hate all the music you guys pick but i'm fine with it i'm just in the back hanging out i'll tell you a bar i want to get drunk in a bar that plays sinatra all right i don't want to be in a fucking loud bar

i hate loud bars i hate it all we have is our personality you know that's it that's it i never i never like walked up to a woman she was like yes it was always like i always kind of fucking won her over over time do some a good line or something and although i was at a bar with you once and a woman approached you pretty quickly and i was i was i was a little jealous and impressed i was like man i think it was the height you were the tallest guy in the bar and this gal i've seen women do that to you what approach you no oh fuck off i don't think so maybe my aunt fake humility i don't think i've been approached maybe by a woman's like, you stole my soap or something. You took my clock radio.

We've seen the shirtless pics. We've seen the pull-ups. I walk into a bar. People go, hey, can you send these drinks to table nine? I don't think any. There's no lady approaching me at a bar. If there is, let me know the bar. I know.

You tie your shoes different than most people, I notice. I don't. I do the knot. I'm one and done. People spend six years of their life tying shoes. And you just do that like that. But you get enough ankle support. I sound like I'm 97 years old here.

Is that comfortable for you? Yeah, yeah. I like a slip on. Interesting. I don't want the, it's tight enough to where it stays on the foot, but also loose enough I can slip on. Interesting. Yeah. You don't see a lot it's tight enough to where it stays on the foot, but also loose enough I can slip on. Interesting. Yeah, you don't see a lot of people with that tying situation.

Oh, is that right? Is that a me only? I don't, I mean, it's not like I pay a ton of attention, but I saw it and I was like, I don't see that normally. All right, I'll take it. Yeah. I thought everybody did that. I don't. I'm doing just the regular, the loop-de-loop.

Yeah, the loop-de-loop. Then they get loose. Now they're all off on Broadway, getting every fucking germ on them. Then you tie them. Now you got the germs. I don't know. As long as it's the real Broadway, not some bullshit half address. Yeah.

We're off Broadway, kind of. I took the corner. I was looking at the addresses. I find one. Still Broadway. Come on. The worst. The worst.

Should we do a bit? Yeah, let's do a bit. I got a few in the works here. And like, man, another shout out to Cleveland Hilarity. Just like, man, weekends like that remind you what we've been missing out on. Like, holy shit. Hell yeah. Great city.

I was there for the NFL draft too, which was a complete craziness. Oh, right. But yeah, the crowd's just rock there for the NFL draft too, which was a complete craziness. Oh, right. But yeah, the crowds just rocked. A lot of We Might Be Drunk people. Got two We Might Be Drunk people on the subway right over here. That's a good sign. I love it. I love that.

That's great. That's all I want out of life is to be recognized in the city I live in. Yeah, but not too much. Not too much. And to enjoy your life. Yeah, but not too much. Not too much. And to enjoy your life. Yeah, definitely. But, you know, yeah, one I had was, and I don't know if this is you, it's kind of like a two-parter, but I don't know where to go. And the problem with this podcast is we're always drunk,

so I never know if I've said this before, but one is you ever on a dating app and you see a woman, she just posts a picture of her as a kid, and you're just like, who is that for? A fucking disappointed pedophile. Like he just shows up on the date. Like you should really use more recent pics. This is a little rude, you know?

So that kind of got a lot. It needs a little more. But then I did a whole kind of a tangent when I was like, you know what I like about pedophiles? And that gets kind of a laugh because they don't expect that line. You know what I like about pedophiles is they never complain at a joke. You never meet a pedophile who stands up like, you've gone too far. Right, right.

They're too scared to complain. Exactly. There's something nice about a group that doesn't want to identify itself. Everyone's about being identified. Pedophiles are like, not me. Identity politics. They're like, no, thank you. I went out of that.

I don't want to identify as this yeah that's funny that's a great angle but i think you got a lot with the kid pic yeah who's that for first of all even if you are a pedophile you're not on tinder because it's just a bunch of like regular legal aged women and then if you the way most people swipe like a lot of people are like yes yes yes pedophiles like oh no no yeah all day long like finally a kid pic but uh yeah two as a normal heterosexual male who likes uh you know legal aged women who's that for the whole the whole point of the picture is like let me see what i'm working with here let's be honest yeah i don't

want to see potential yeah i mean if anything this is what a man wants show me a picture of you in 30 years right i'd like to see where we're going right more than what's been interesting you know yeah let's see let's see a future like that that face app thing that makes you look old yeah that's doable yeah throw me yeah that's's doable. Or throw me your mom in there. Throw your mom or your grandma in there. I think John Fish had a bit like this.

I think John Fish had a bit about I want to see your mom. I think he had a bit like that. I think we're too close to a John Fish bit. Oh, that's good. He's funny.

John Fish is a fucking great comic. Underrated comic. Check him out. John Fish. He has an album called He Has Friends. Yes. Killer.

Killer. One joke after the next. he's i love his stuff uh that's good that's good yeah i think the mom thing's too close i think it's something like that all right um also there's another angle with the uh the girl who has her friends in the photo and the friends are better looking right that's another weird one where you're like all right i'd like to say hello to uh this one. How do I get to her? Yeah. Is that too mean?

It's almost like a mystery. I think it's another John Fish joke. I think Fish did a joke, I'm the one on the right, and he goes, who's the one on the left? I don't think I can top that. I think he cracked that one, too. Damn, Fish. Johnny Fish, man.

All right, all right. Underrated comedian, and give him a goob. Yes. There you go. Funny guy. Great album. Hope he's doing all right. Oh, he had a kid.

Yeah, he had a kid. Good for him. It's funny. Hope he's doing all right. He's happier than any of us. He's got a family. That's true. We're drunk on fucking Tuesday afternoon, Mark.

You think you're worried about him? That's my heaven. All right, fish. Damn, I'm trying to think of another angle, but I don't want to step on old Fish cakes there. 20 minutes later, that's actually Fish's closer you just stepped on, John Fish. Damn. All right.

No, I think we got plenty of work, and I got more ideas. I mean, if we got time. I mean, you do a bit of yours. All right. That's funny, though. That's so true with the kid pic. Nobody cares about what you look like as a kid. A lot of people do that.

I don't get it. But all right, whatever. It's very arrogant. It's kind of like, look how cute I was. That's what it is. Look how cute I was. Yeah. All right.

It's hard to be a not cute kid. Most kids are cute. It's true. Yeah. Show me an ugly kid. Then I'll be interested. Yeah. All right. That's a real pedophile, by the way. cute kid most kids are cute it's true yeah show me an ugly kid then i'll be interested yeah all right you know that's a real pedophile by the way by the way uh a lot of kids are cute in hollywood

and then get ugly yeah that kid who was in jared mcguire there was nobody cuter than that he's like shredded now though oh is he i think so okay, that kid was adorable. Adorable! Jesus. I don't even like kids, and I was like, this kid's great. Yeah. Well, a lot of what makes a kid cute can make you kind of awkward looking as an adult. That's true. Like a big head, like Haley Joel Osment. I was going to say him next.

He got weird looking. But he's, I mean, he's still a great actor, though. Great actor. He's shown him in, like, Silicon Valley. But yeah, as a kid, you're like, adorable kid. Yeah. It's hard to pull off. It's tough. It's tough. Yeah, you're like adorable kid. Yeah. It's hard to pull off. It's tough.

It's tough. Yeah. You grow up how you grow up. I'd like to see ugly kid, good looking adult. I wonder if there's a- I feel like that's a lot of models. Yeah. They always say, I was awkward.

I was skinny. I was awkward. I was so awkward. And then you're like, all right. And then you see a picture. You're like, you were fucking hot at 15. Yeah. Yeah.

You were pretty. You had braces braces but i can get over that i was so that's a hot girl thing i'm so weird how and if no follow yeah she's a weird person why because you like like popcorn with like something when instead of butter it's like always like you think that makes you fucking weird i like cold pizza i'm weird shut up we all like cold pizza that's not interesting 110 pounds yeah. We all like cold pizza. That's not interesting. You're six feet, 110 pounds. Yeah. And you've got big tits somehow.

Somehow. I'm weird. I'm so weird. And then I go, I'm working on this pedophile bit. And they go, I got to get out of here. I thought you were weird. Where's the weirdness? All right.

This bit, I've been trying to crack this joke for 20 years. I can't do it. I might have run it by you before. But I'm just so. Well, that's the problem with drinking like we do. I'm just so into that i think there's something here and i have a lot of these bits where i couldn't crack it for six months and then i finally detectives brother yes these are cold cases yes cold case files i'm reopening the file let's do it all right Is it girl in a well? No. So I bought a car, and my girlfriend is like, I'm sick of the car.

You're always talking about the car. I hate the car. I think you like the car more than you like me. Yeah. And the joke is it's not that I like it more. It's just easier to understand. A car has a dashboard with nothing but dials and gauges that let you know what's going on.

Women are very vague. Women are very silent treatment-y. You know, you got to figure it out. Cars just tell you, out of gas, E, overheated, hot. The engine of a car has never caught on fire and the dashboard says, I'm fine. Like a car will never lie to you about how it's feeling. Good point, yeah. So that gets a laugh.

I'm fine. Women don't tell you when they're in an empty. They just pick a fight with you. Yes, exactly. I wish women had like a little dial where you're like, fuck, I got to make sure she eats before noon or something like that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, then I have a joke.

I'm like, and I've tried every angle all over the place. Like if women had gauges, it would say, I'm fine, whatever you think, and I don't care. But imagine if a car was like, does this take unleaded or diesel? I don't care. Now it's broken. So, like, I know there's something here, but I can't crack it. And the point is if a car was like that, it would be unsafe. So what do you think I'm dating?

That's true. Women have no warning. A car at least will be like, hey, the airbags are out. Women are like, I'm just going to kill you randomly in your sleep. Yeah. Maybe that's something. Yeah. I don't know.

I can't. And then I have a whole thing about if your car is quiet, everything's going great with your car. Like, wow, it's running perfectly. That works well makes you guess. Right. This is a relationship. You should just tell me. but we have to guess a car is something that like it would never be like the dodge you have to guess how i'm feeling yeah model you know yeah

right right you figure it out you should know yeah no no cars like you should know what i'm i'm need i don't know do you need gas you should know you gotta tell me I don't know. Do you need gas? You should know. You got to tell me. I don't know your tank. But yeah, then I have another thing. But if a car is quiet, it's running great. But if a woman is quiet, you're in deep shit. Well done. Yeah, good comparison. That does okay.

But this feels like a big bit. It's a big bit. But I'm getting chuckles here and there. Nothing really is sticking. Maybe that's the angle. You're one of the best at sticking with bits and cracking them I think Cars and women is fun

I think the problem is men think women are like cars So we treat you like I need to fix this I need to work on this but women don't want to be fixed They want to be heard Which is like tough With a car If the tire is going and leaking and you go i gotta patch this tire the tire doesn't go just listen well women will sometimes

say like i'm cold they take my jacket no i just wanted to tell you i was cold yes exactly no device does that we look at things as very you know women are so they have so much nuance and cars are just like blah blah right so yeah there's something interesting about that where you're comparing like we're used to just trying to fix yeah exactly and women are really hard to fix yes they want to be understood more than fixed and that's where i came up with this angle, which I thought was something, but it's getting zero. All right, I'm going to tell the joke doctor. That's not me. Women, we treat women like cars, but they're not like cars.

They're horses, which already sounds bad, but hang on. Stay with me. A horse gets you from A to B just like a car, but it has feelings, it has emotions, you know and you know we'd rather ride it without a saddle or whatever it is yeah obviously that's silly but um you know women are more like horses because they you gotta tend to them instead of fixing you can't just get a wrench in a horse obviously you know you gotta fix it or you got to talk to it. You got to emote.

You got to relate, which is why women like horses. You got to feed it. You got to feed it. You got to take care of it. It's very expensive. You got to house it, you know. Now it's getting weirdly taken care of-y. But you see what I'm saying?

And I thought the horse angle would save the bit, but it's not. There's something to this. There's something there. Women are, and then the horse angle would save the bit, but it's not. There's something to this. There's something there. And then the horse car compared. I mean, this is a bigger bit. Yeah. Women are like horses because you have to take care of them. You have to pet them and comb the hair.

They want shoes. There's a lot here. Does the shoes line hit? I haven't tried. I just thought of that. There's something there. Okay. Shoes are very important. Shoes are very important. That's a lot here. Does the shoes line hit? I haven't tried. I just thought of that. There's something there. Okay. Shoes are very important.

Shoes are very important. That's a good line. And it sounds bad because I'm comparing women to a big, smelly, muscular animal, but it's part of a bigger idea. I'm not just trying to insult the ladies here. I'm saying they're like a car but with feelings instead of an engine. Yeah, that's the pause. They're like a car with feelings. They're like a horse. That's the pause you see. They're like a car, but with feelings instead of an engine. Yeah, that's the pause. They're like a car with feelings.

They're like a horse. That's the pause you see. They're like a horse. Yeah, that's not bad. Yeah, so that's where I'm stuck. Give me a month, but it's going to take a lot of bombing with it. And this is the part of comedy that is hard, but also why it's great. Well, yeah, you stick with it, you get that reward.

Exactly. Women are like a horse. The difference is the horse knows where you're going. Women are always like, where are we going? Where is this relationship going? Where is this? I'm trying to just. Yeah, because a car is like, where are we going?

Wherever you want to go, I'm down. You tell me. And the woman's like, I want some say, which is kind of like a horse. I want a plan. Yeah, yeah. Interesting. A plan is important. Yeah.

Also, I have a stick that I hit a woman in the ass with. All right. That's something. Is it? Yeah. Also, you slap a woman in the ass with. All right. That's something. Is it? Yeah. Also, you slap a woman in the ass. Right, right. Yes.

Aha. Okay. I'm thought this is too much. I was thinking like horses. Like in war, I always think like when things get tough, you're like, fuck, take her. That's not it. that's not it. Right, right. Yeah, you want to ride it.

Yeah. They're beautiful creatures. Yeah, exactly. They- Majestic. Yeah, it's interesting, but that's why I, because just the fact that you're noodling with this so much

tells me there's something here. Yeah, no like i like your mind because it's always to me it's if you think there's something funny there you know every once in a while we both have bits we're like yeah i'm not really feeling it right i think usually you have big ideas that can be kind of play with because you know i love your bits so i'm thinking of like the women women yeah you think of them like cars but they're really like horses yeah yeah i don't want to put too much pressure on no no no it's but it's something to think about it is the shoes the butt slapping there's a lot here and also when i was a kid every girl had like a have a had a binder with a horse on it they loved horses women like horses they do

and a boy had a ferrari or lamborghini or whatever was that in the cars i wasn't really either as a kid but i saw a lot like i'd go to my friend's house you have a big car on his wall you know big funny i see like seinfeld or leno and i'm like that's so not what i would spend my money on if i had that kind of money yeah yeah I'd rather a big house than a cool apartment. For sure. But yeah, I get it. So I don't know. I think there's something there, but I'll keep noodling.

And you tell us what you think. I got a lot of feedback on the pedophile and food joke about bananas and avocados and all that. So the folks are helping. They're tweeting. They're writing in. Give us your peeves, your whole thing. I think I'm missing anything.

Oh, yeah. Did we cover everything? No, I was just thinking about the bit. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's a heavy duty. This is the big bit. Heavy duty, which is what horses do. Yeah, you don't want to see either of them shit.

There we go. All right go all right all right something um horses shoes horses sound like women when you piss them off i don't know they'll buck you off yeah you do something if you try to put it in her ass, they're like, get off me. Stallion. Seabiscuit. I don't know. Secretariat. Jockey.

Yeah, that's the only difference between horses and women. Horses like small guys. Ooh. Maybe that's an ending. I'd be better for a horse. What's that? You'd say I'd be better for a horse. Right, right. Exactly.

Yeah. You think a small guy ever gets on top of a horse you know trying to fuck it and they're like at least he's small yeah yeah yeah yeah i don't want a woman to peg me maybe i don't want a horse to fuck me i don't know hold on there's a lot here well we're we're noodling folks this is this is the writing process but uh yeah i feel like how what are we at, Matt? Are we good? Yeah, I think we got a full app here. Make sure to email us. We're going to do your Patreon questions.

Sign up for the Patreon at patreon.com slash we might be drunk pod. Email us at we might be drunk pod dot com. We might be drunk pod at gmail dot com. Sorry, the booze is hitting me. Make sure to rate and review us. Follow the We Might Be Drunk Instagram page. Follow me. Follow Mark.

Look for us on the road. I will be in Utah and Arlington, Virginia this month at Wise Guys. Nice. And the Draft House. We already got seven shows in Arlington. I hope we add more even. I can't wait. Hell yeah.

What do you got, Mark? I got all kinds of fun dates. I'm in Spokane going back to the p n w as they say classic club great club i'm in hartford coming up tickets are horrible so come on out for connecticut's tough i don't sell well on connecticut i don't either because it's right here you know it's too close yeah portland oregon helium that's gonna be a hot one Syracuse, Toledo, Funny Bone Houston Improv, Philly Helium Buffalo

All kinds of Dayton I just added, Dayton is fun I just added Yeah, that's a fun town I just added some more Albany July 4th and 5th I got Atlantic City The 11th and 12th of July.

Plug that. I've got Tampa, June 18th. These are June, not July. I know I said July. June 11th and 12th, Atlantic City. Tampa, 17th through 19th, side splitters. Raleigh, the 25th through 27th of July. June, I mean, fuck, I can't't speak anymore i'm glad we're spending this

this time he hasn't eaten uh i'm in atlanta yeah oh and send us some names if you think of a rye name yeah i love callback dude i like callback with i like callback with a grungy looking cat yeah you know beat up looking cat with maybe a smoke in its mouth. Something fun. Yeah. Or the cock fight is kind of fun too. Cock fight is fun. I like callback with an old rotary phone on top of it too. That could be fun. That's fun. So send us some names and yeah, Patreon, Peeves, Rex.

I got a lot of good bands from, I mentioned Sales, which is a cool band. And so a lot of people sent me a bunch of shit. So yeah, keep emailing and we will read them on the Patreon. Tell a friend. See us live. Spread the love. I get so many messages about Oscar Peterson. Yes.

How much you guys are loving Oscar Peterson. So that makes me happy when Rex seemed to resonate with you guys. Yeah, hell yeah. I'm loving it. Some people messaged me Bill Evans as well, who I love. I love Bill Evans. So if you like jazz, check Bill Evans out as well. I don't know Bill Evans.

Oh, you'll love him. Okay. Keep listening to the pod, man. I mean, I'm having fun. I think we're rolling. We're rolling. Go to therapy, tell a friend, and yeah, keep on drinking or not drinking. Again, guys, thank you so much for listening.

We're having such a great time. And shout out to Gotham Studios on 38th Street for having us. Hell yeah. We love it here. We love Matt. We love the spot. You might have given away the address there. But hey, who's counting?

Thanks a lot.