We Might Be Drunk - Ep 222: Rosebud Baker & Rachel Feinstein

Episode Date: March 10, 2025

We've hit the Mother Lode with two of the best in the biz! Rosebud Baker and Rachel Feinstein join us for an epic hang with a bunch of laughs. We're drinking Patron on this episode and make it through almost a whole bottle.  Check out Rosebud's new special on Netflix, The Mother Lode. Go see Rachel on the road! Support the show and sign up for you $1 per month trial period. Head to https://www.shopify.com/drunk Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD  WMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ WMBD Clips Page: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Rosebud Baker: https://www.rosebudbaker.com https://www.instagram.com/rosebudbaker Rachel Feinstein: https://rachel-feinstein.com/ https://www.instagram.com/rachelfeinstein_ Sam Morril: YouTube Channel: @sammorril Instagram: https://instagram.com/sammorril Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: YouTube Channel: @marknormand Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand Tickets/Tour: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets We Might Be Drunk is produced by Gotham Production Studios https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com/ @GothamProductionStudios Producer Matt Peters: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #wemightbedrunk #marknormand #sammorril #podcast #drunkpodcast #comedy #comedian #funny #gothampodcastomedy Tour Dates Announcement

We're here with Rosebud Baker, new special on Netflix. Check it out. The mother lode. Watch it with the wife. Before and after. Before and after. This is the first before and after in one, right? Yeah. You found a new, I heard Chris Rock once say like a special should be like an iPhone. you need a new feature. And you did a new feature. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I did. It was, you know it's funny, like some people really love it. Some people are like,

I didn't know what the fuck was happening, and I didn't, you know. And I'm like, I thought about putting ahead of it, like hey, you know, like kind of explaining the premise, but then I was like, that's too on the nose, and it also fucks with the comedy of it like hey, you know like kind of explaining the premise but then I was like that's too on the nose and it also Fucks with the comedy of it because it feels like it opens up like a true crime documentary You know like I was like, what would it look like if I were to and I was like that doesn't work They have to just figure it out. You never addressed it. I love that. Yeah, I just I mean

I've just been doing promo kind of trying to say say it I do think it helps people that don't naturally get it to understand that premise, but I don't think. Rosewood doesn't drink, by the way, so. Yeah, yeah. We'll put that here for Rachel. Oh, shit. Give that to Rachel.

I would have absolutely taken a swig of that. Wow. But you've now eliminated another thing that a comic could do, so now the next one's gotta be like, you know, I'm pregnant, but I'm not keeping it, and that's the second one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's, yeah, I kind of was really tossing it

back and forth up until the very, oh, shit. The baby? Yeah, I don't believe in that stuff. Yeah, the baby. Hey, Mazel. I love the poster. Mazel to you. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Oh, Leanne, Mazel to you. Yeah, Jesus Christ.

Oh, Leanne, Leanne Morgan, she's a good egg. That's a yummy baby. She is, she's pretty fucking cute. But I wasn't sure that I was gonna do it right up until the end. Oh yeah? Yeah, I was kinda like, I shot the second one and I was like, I don't think we need it.

I don't think we need the back and forth. Like we could just use the second one and I was like, I don't think we need it. I don't think we need the back and forth. We could just use the second one. And the editor, Kelly Lyon, she sent me two different cuts. She was like, here's one with both and here's one just by itself. And I was like, damn, you did it so well. Then I'm like, now I don't fucking know what I wanna do.

She just told me, she was like, go with the one that's more interesting for you. I think it nailed it, cause it differentiates. Now you stand out. So people go, I gotta watch that. Do you save a lot of material doing it this way? Yeah. Interesting. For sure.

I think I left like, at least 35 minutes on the car. What? That's a ton. Yeah. All right. So I have something to go out on the road with. That's always the challenge with a special, cause I so often will just throw shit at the one.

Like I take everything. I don't care. That's what I do too. Yeah. Everything I like, you cut it. But then when you start the new hour with the shit you cut, you're like, I cut this because I didn't love it. I know.

Now I'm starting the new hour with it. That's true. Yeah, and I'm like, I don't even want to deal with that. Like I don't even want to go back to it. Wait a minute. Why are you at work? Oh I am at work. I have my fucking setups in my bag. You're ducking out of SNL to be here. Yeah.

I'm honored. It'll be a funnier episode because. How was that SNL at 50 thing? That looked insane. Oh yes. It was awesome. I mean I literally had nothing to do with the writing of it. It was all like alumni and like the head writers. I just sat back and fucking went to the party, which was fantastic.

Sure. It was awesome. I mean, Whoopi Goldberg was there, you know. You got to lead with Whoopi? It's just the most, I was excited about Whoopi. That's a direct response. I was really excited about it. I met her once and we were doing the MSG benefit thing

and we just like found each other together and they were like, take a picture. So we just, I put my arm around her and she goes, you're gonna regret taking this picture with me. Really? I was like, all right, I like that. I love her, I'm gonna go with Whoopi. It made me laugh.

Dude, it wasn't like I was going up to it going like, maybe Whoopi will be there, but I saw Whoopi and I got like a part of me got really excited in a way that I wasn't kind of expecting. Remember that movie Eddie where she plays the Knicks coach? Yeah. And this is how low the bar was for Knicks fans back then. The ending was they made the playoffs.

Oh. It wasn't like they won the championship, they're like we're in the playoffs. Oh man. She was, I mean, yeah. I mean, this is like every Knicks fan's dream. I mean, Ghost, she did a lot of great shows. Yeah, Ghost was over the top. She's in the Willis Reed jersey too. I mean, yeah, I mean, this is like every Knicks fan's dream. I mean, Ghost, she did a lot of great shit. Yeah. Oh, Ghost.

She's in the Willis Reed jersey too. I mean, that's old school. Damn. Yeah. Yeah, so who else were you there? Was there anyone there? I mean, McCartney? Dude, I got in line at the check-in line and I was behind Meryl Streep and I just started doing laps around the building

because I was like, I'm in the wrong place. Right. It was like, what is it? Imposter syndrome just led me around the building like four times before I went, oh no, there's one check-in line, you dumbass, and you just happened to be behind Meryl Streep. Wow, man.

Did you say anything to her? No, no, I was like, I just. Move, bitch. No, I was just like, I'm not supposed to be here. It was like the way I felt my first day in the building times a million. Oh yeah. You know a lot of those people now though.

Yeah, I mean I've met them but I just. This is Bill Murray, Sandler, Paul Simon. Oh look who's on time. I can't believe it. Yeah. Wow. Rach, you're first. Do we have any juice for this because Rachel can't do it tequila straight.

Sit here Rach. How dare you. Rach, I like your outfit. You're lightweight. Really? Yeah. Did my sister help you? What's that? Did my sister help you?

I literally packed a second one so I was like, I have a crazy face. But we need the mic in place. Sorry. The person who's been in comedy for 20 years. You need a mic on this. Make that 70. You guys are the poster children for bouncing back after pregnancy. Yeah. This is the most Rachel entrance of all time.

Just throwing shit, a phone's ringing. I have a different outfit. I was like, okay, I'll get there and Rosebud will help me drag. You look great. Because Rosebud always looks like a heckable and I was like, I don't know what I'm doing. You both look great. Thank you. You too, Mark.

Hey, I'll take it. Back to the thing about bouncing back. Mark, you've really bounced back. Thank you, thank you. Just my rack while you tell us how we bounce back again. My C-section scar. Oh yeah, give her a little juice. She can't handle a straight tequila.

How dare you? Do you want it straight? No, I want the dumbest twat drink, like a Malibu pineapple. Hopefully this is good. No, a little more. I think she needs more than that. Yeah, come on. What are you taking me for?

This is pretty damn good tequila. It goes down easy. I haven't been divorced yet. Jesus. Tell that to your outfit. As a divorced lady at the bar outfit. Rosebo was telling us about the SNL 50 party. Yeah. Who's who?

Who was like the most crazy person to run into there? I mean. Eddie Murph? I didn't run into Eddie Murphy. It was crazy to see him there. LD? Bill Murray. Oh, the king. Was definitely the one. That was crazy to see him there. I'll be Bill Murray The king was definitely the one that was a funny segment He did with the with the he ranked the anchors

He sang Gloria on stage like at the after party and I I saw that and I was like I can go home Well, you made up with Chevy they had a longtime feud was that real I know I know Bill Murray had the feud with Harold Ramis like till the deathbed I'm like did you got it life's too short you gotta make up Apparently anyone like tanks like jet like but like slovenly tanked you don't have to say who but you know where there's some people You mean everybody was hammered like it was you know I don't even know how much cocaine was like coursing through Wow really go back party It was how they did in the 70s, right?

Yeah. You had them good old days. It was a fucking good time. When's the last time you think Chevy Chase blew a line? Pfft. During Community? I don't know. Probably.

Keith was fucked up, he had a cane. You probably want to ask me about things over in Maspeth Queens. Every coin store there, and Kelly was kicking off. Kelly, woo! Yeah, I mean, it's funny. Just to say, there's some pretty rare baseball cards showing up.

It's weird to go to something like that, because you know, especially as a current writer, you're like, you just feel so beneath it, even though you're there, feel like this is I'm not I should of course here, you know You're don't you feel better than a few of them like what I mean there's gotta be a couple that you see where like that I'm what do you mean you're a great you're like a couple comics. No just like writer. I was just oh yeah I mean you're definitely very special also is hilarious airtight fucking brilliant special

I've not washed it. I've been on the road for 16 days, so we watched manhunter and Red Rock West Those are old school yeah, we watched I would never watch either of them yeah Hilarious no I was actually on the road once when some of those Sandler dates And we're like a dinner afterwards and Tim Meadows is there, all these people there and Tim Meadows, I don't know if I ever told you this, but he goes, there's this really funny new writer there, Rosebud Baker.

Whoa! For real? Oh, shit! I was like, oh, that's cool. That's awesome, that's really nice. Tim Meadows. That's awesome. Who doesn't like Tim Meadows?

That makes me feel a lot better, yeah. Yeah, I don't know, every day that you go in that building, you feel a little less funny. Ah! Than the day that you go in that building you feel a little less funny than the day that you walked in. You know what I mean? Because of the competition, what do you mean? I don't know, it's the competition or the fucking psychology of the place, I don't know. I just like, if I was depending entirely,

and I think this is why I've stayed focused on standup, because if I was depending entirely on that building to feel funny, I'd kill myself. Oh yeah. I'd kill myself. Of course. I'd kill myself. Well it's a theater energy in there. I took an improv class and I felt like so dark and weird compared to they were like normal and supportive.

Yeah. You know and I'm making crazy jokes. Mark starting, Mark give me a suggestion. The abortion clinic, let's start a. Yeah. Yeah, they were not into it. Oh my God, it's dead. I would love to see Mark in an improv fight. Fascinating. And they have to get shit. Everyone my god, it's dead! I would love to see marketing improv.

Fascinating. Everyone's scared when he's supposed to shiver like ice for you. He's just calling everyone a whore. Yes! And they have to yes and you. If you could do that for your YouTube, like just go do a fucking one. Yeah they freaked out, I was not invited. You farting on other improv people.

God. Yes and that, you quiff. I would love I am that. You quiff. I would love to see that. It took you like a year to realize that you weren't just like an active prick, but that you were terribly a rock. Yeah. Yeah.

I was like... I was defending Mark earlier. I was like, nah, you gotta get to... Sam kept explaining everything you said to me. Now you guys are like good friends now. Yeah. Now I get it now. You guys didn't like each other?

No, they liked each other. I liked her. She didn't like me. No, no, I like, no, I love Mark. I just like, there was the first few times before I got to know him better that I didn't understand Mark yet. So I was like, why is he saying things

that are like, finally, like, were horrifying me? I didn't know him quite well enough to that point. So it was just sort of jarring. But then Sam was like, oh no, that's just Mark. Like he'll go, he really actually has no idea. And then I think you sent me that lovely text once, like I think I gently recommended you to therapists. And you went. And then clearly the text was like coached by Alan,

cause it was like the nicest thing I've ever received. Like you were thanking me for being a kind friend. I was like, oh my God, that's all it took for me. My publicist wrote that. Rachel got me for me. I almost just wrote that. Rachel got me into therapy and I got Mark into therapy. And I haven't gone in a while, but it helped. Whoa. Yeah.

Well, actually, up until last week, I did go last week. There you go. Because we got in a fight. Me and Esti got in a fight. Really? What? Whoa. Rosebud at the cellar was amazing.

No. We got to stop wearing that free Palestine flag in front of her. I've ever seen. I felt, it was, I sort of got backed into a corner a little bit, I felt like, she wasn't doing it on purpose, but she was like asking me. She was the booker of the seller. Yeah, she was like, she was saying that, you know,

she never needed therapy, she's fine, everything's fine. And she was kind of asking me like why I needed it or what I got out of it. And I answered and then that, I guess that answer didn't like do it or she was, she kind of asked me the same question again in a different way. And I just was like, you can't ask me that. That's all I did.

I was like, you just don't ask me that. Like, that's why I was kind of just like, don't ask people. Like if you're, if I'm in therapy, like I don't need to tell you why I need therapy. I don't, you just, don't ask me that. Okay. Rosebud was kind of just like, don't ask people. Like if I'm in therapy, like I don't need to tell you why I need therapy. I don't need to tell you what I'm learning there. Yeah, that's fair.

Yeah, yeah. It was just so funny because I feel like we're complete opposite in like, I wanna channel Rosebud in every way, like at every moment in my life. Like I just feel like you're just like boundary, boundary. Yes. And I'm just like giving people clothes out of my back

and like I just like always feel like. Let me grab that one. Yeah, I can't. But the way he was. Like I just try, I remember when I first met Estie, I just kept trying to learn like players in the Yankee. You used to do that. Oh yeah.

We used to have to call in the veils of the cellar. It wasn't an email that you send or a text or whatever. You have to call in and Mark, I see Mark, Soda would make fun of us, he goes, oh, did you just do your Esty voice? Where you're sweeter, but Norman would go outside and be like, ah, go Yankees, oh man.

Oh, that sucks, it's like an audition every week. I'm around Friday, Saturday, man, the Yankees are gonna win the pennant this year, I tell you. You were 50 years younger, I'd fuck you. Woo hoo. Somehow whatever I said about the Yankees, Estie would still find foul somehow.

I tried to find the most generic, broadest thing I could possibly say about the Yankees and she would just be like, ugh. She could smell the stench of my lies on me. I go like, I'm doing this for you, you old bag. Fuck! Yeah! Man, thank God Estie doesn't listen to podcasts.

This is a whole. Yeah. She's a whole... Yeah. I remember though, one of the first times at the cellar, I was on the way upstairs and Mark was like, yeah, I heard you stunk it up down there. And I met you maybe once and I thought I had a pretty good set and you were like, oh boy, a lot of people are talking about your... I'm joking with you. ...in quotes material.

They say you're trying your hand at this. This guy sounds great. He was like, I'm sorry, you need a little skirt that you thought you could, you know, you could grow some tits. I remember getting off stage once and Mark going, uh, good hair. I was like, I'm gonna kill myself in front of you. Now I'm getting compliments. I'd kill for good hair. Good hair. I mean, and I had bombed. No, I'd kill for good hair

I mean and I had bombed no It was it was not you were right to just do the hair It was like actually nice of you to say good hair, but it was also at the same time I was like fucking awful. I was like this is I was looking for something that was the only good thing I know years ago. It's much feeling right when you pass pass the seller yeah Mark and we can cut this we wasn't want this in here but uh Mark apparently you went up behind Esti and we're doing like this oh yeah and Gary Goldman call me and he goes is something wrong with that guy like no he just can't not make the joke and he was like okay he was like didn't understand it what's with these comedians okay He wasn't offended he thought you would have death wish oh

He was like what is what is he doing like he's well to me you go after the most powerful person That's the butt of the joke yeah I get it I explained it now. I understand. Thank you. Here's the thing in the beginning when people first meet you You'll do you'll say the thing when did this turn into an intervention tomorrow what the hell's happening and I love you in the beginning it's like you you'll say something that just annihilated somebody before you're close with them with Sam explained to me that you don't know I didn't know I was annihilating and then so now and then now I get it I have never felt annihilated alright thank you I I don't know that means I have autism mark rape me

Fucking rape me that's how we started I submit I was like I'll do the pod Got me in a moment Well-known about mark The thing is people will sing me then I'll sing back and then they'll be like what the fuck where that come from and I'm like Oh, I thought we were I think I go too hard maybe. Maybe, yeah. On the back, on my serve. But the intention is, I do feel like your intention

is always good. Yeah, I've never heard. And that's why we've never really fought. Right. I've been friends with Mark for close to 20 years now, and we don't really fight. No, no. We don't argue.

Just rape. We rape, yeah. We playfully rape. Yeah, and we take turns, you take turns you know it's important to share Delighted because it would be tax even better because then I was like oh, I thought this guy was a dick and now he loves me This is I love you the whole time. He loved you always love you became a dad and then we had that like yes connection So now I'm fucking photo that you just just pulled up It's fucking with this is a somebody took that of me outside of Colbert in 2016 This is an ad I'm hungover yesterday on stub hub where they get these photos. This is crazy

It's a 10 year old. This looks like you just got into real estate You look like the cousin of George Santos in this photo You look like the cousin of George Santos in this photo. Oh my god, they do get like crazy. I'm in a battle with someone on Wikipedia. What's happening? Putting up a picture of me. I tried to take it down again last night. I don't think it worked.

Because I can't figure out Wikipedia. That! That! Who is that? Who is that random hole's that random hole! Honestly, I look at this photo and I'm like I don't know where it was taken. That's you? Yes! Oh, I thought that was a down syndrome child.

Wait, that is you? Yes! Wow! That is me! Man, who would impregnate that? I have to say Oh, I really thought that wasn't you. I thought it wasn't at all. It looks wasn't me. No, that is me. It looks nothing like you.

Somebody put that photo of me on Wikipedia and I keep going back and forth and trying to put a different photo up, but I can't figure out Wikipedia. Yeah, you're way hotter. That looks like you're like so fun loving cousin. Yes, yes. You look like Amy Adams with downs here.

I mean, this is, you're crushing it now, Rose, but. It's really bad, but I didn't even look that bad, even then. You look like you're being propped up in that picture. It really is like a skin suit photo. I don't appreciate whoever keeps putting this up. And I think talking about it on this podcast is a surefire way to just keep this going

for probably the next 20 years. No, no, no, you have to get help, though. Somebody will DM you and help you, because I had the same problem with Wikipedia and somebody helped me because an ex-boyfriend played, my ex put on Wikipedia that I got my start juggling and it was like, that's fun.

But that's funny. Every morning show I did, they were like, oh juggling, and it looked like I was ashamed of my juggling past. Right, right. The poor intern, every time I did morning press, I had to bring oranges and I was like, I don't juggle. At least you didn't have a juggling pass. Right, right. For intern, every time I did morning press, I had to bring like oranges. But at least you didn't have a juggling pass.

Like that's a real photo of me. She's got you there. You know what I'm saying? Well you got hotter, that's why this is amazing. Like you- Brutal. Yeah, you look completely different. Yeah, I don't honestly- You look like you're being propped up there

by like, health workers or something. I feel like you got like corrective eye surgery here. Your eyes are- I look like cross-eyed, I look like I have a lazy eye. I swear to God. You look older there somehow. I know. It's bad.

You look like somebody like rolled you over there and here you look insanely, now, right now, you look insanely hot. I think that might've been while I was still drinking. Oh, that's what it is. Had to have been that. That'd be great if she took one sip of this and just went right back to that.

Yeah. Just one. I know, when people are like, God, I wish I knew you when you were drinking. I'm like, you wouldn one sip of this and just went right back to that. I know. Just one. I know, when people are like, God, I wish I knew you when you were drinking. I'm like, you wouldn't have looked my way. You could see the booze. What were you like? What would you like to drink?

I would love to hear you as a drinker. I was just really, ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! But you had to have her hold him, the baby.

Ah! That's great. Do not, don't bring my baby into that. Sorry, that's fair, that's fair. No, you should have made a bow to her. She doesn't wanna be taken, but she doesn't wanna be next to that woman. No, that's fair.

No, no, no, I wouldn't. Yeah, what were you like in your drinking days? I wanna know your drinking personality. I was just like a really angry, which is psychotic, because I look like happier then in some ways, even though I do look simple. Simple, yeah. Yeah, like I look happier in a some ways, even though I do look simple. Simple, yes. Yeah, like I look happier in a retard kind of way,

but I am not. Your baby's pointing and laughing. She looks like country slow there. Yes, country slow. Yeah. Like Cracker Barrel. Right, like somebody is. You look like you're saying cousin mommy

told me to go to the store, the Cracker Barrel. Yeah, Mama June. You look like somebody that would come up to you after one of your shows and be like, I usually hate women in comedy, but I love your humor. I think you're so funny. You're doing this at county fair. I feel like women are so gross and yucky and scary, but you're fun.

I sure do like me a tilt-a-whirl. I look like someone whose eyes got crossed on the Tilt-A-Whirl. She does look like she's on a ride. It's a really sad photo. Would you get angry when you drank? No, I was a very angry drunk. It was like I would go out with every intention of having a good time. By the end of the night, I'd ask someone what time it was and they'd be like, I don't have

a watch and I'd just punch them in the face. Wow. Like it was crazy. Holy shit. Drawing blood, crazy. What? Deep fucked up shit. And I remember it started happening at the end of my drinking where I would wake up the next day and somebody would be like yeah you assaulted our friend. Whoa. What'd you do? Just like actually that's a real story. I punched someone in the face because I they didn't have their watch on them hold I want to be that woman like is that so hot to guys like our woman that just punches them no it was not I think that's really sexy I mean part of her I mean yeah part of me is like it's hot and the other part of me is like it's terrifying yeah that's part of a woman who's unhinged is hot but then you wake

up with that and you're like oh ah, fuck, she's crazy. No, it's really bad, really, really bad. And I look back on it and I'm like, I'm in touch with one of my exes while I was bad drinking, and whenever he tells me a story, I'm like, I don't wanna know that. Right, right.

I don't even wanna know. But also at the same time, I'm kinda like, on a comedy level, I'm like, tell me. Yeah. Cause he's like, he's the only person that I know that could fill me in on that entire chapter of my life. Like I was blacked out from like the moment I moved to New York until like we're drinking.

Yeah, wow. Yeah, he's like. Did you do like a lap of fun and then you'd start assaulting people? Cause like most, I love alcoholics and most. Yeah. Yeah. Mm, mm, mm.

Most throbbing alcoholics that I've dated, usually the first lap is like life of the fucking party. And then the second lap is when they start rocking and glaring. Checking the ride. And then it ends with somebody fighting a sleep better. I was a lot of fun for a little while. And then it was like, what happened to her?

You know what I mean? And that's how people would just like, that's how you keep people in your life, is you kind of like- Right. You're fun in the beginning. Yeah, you're fun in the beginning. I do love the drunk who just disappears.

You know that one guy, he's immediately gone. I used to be so jealous of them. That was your dad. I wish he drank, he'd have an excuse. He did that shit Stone Cold Sober. Oh damn. My favorite Sam dad story is that his dad told him he's like, well it'll all make sense when you're 18 just open this locker in midtown or something.

No. He's not decent born, you can't just leave a map in a locker. He left a note in a safety deposit box in the bank and it was like two paragraphs and it was like, ah. Ah. That was it was like, ah. Ah. That was it? Yeah, yeah.

He was like, he had a wife who had previously died of cancer. He was like, I didn't want another kid or a relationship, so. It's not like a scavenger hunt. He made it seem like it was national treasure or something. Right. But then, yeah, it was like, there was like a half brother I had, and I was like, oh, I never met him, and they were like, I was like, oh, does he want a meat? He goes, you know, I floated it out there, and he didn't seem to be receptive. I was like, oh, I never met him and they were like, I was like, oh, does he want a meat?

He goes, you know, I floated it out there and he didn't seem to be receptive. I was like, all right, nevermind. No shit. So I just never met him. Apple doesn't fall far, I guess. So then you got a brother out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A halfie. Dad, I never knew him. No, he's cousin. Oh, he's cousin. I only met him a few times, but he's a nice guy. Wow, so you never met the half brother. No, never met the half brother. Interesting. So I met the other side of the family

They're not they're nice people can we put a feeler out there to get them to call? I don't want to do Only gonna be prank calls I missed you so much fucking pussy You think he listens to this brother, first I call him. You think he listens to this shit? No, but I was jealous though, of those alcoholics that disappeared.

Those ones are, they're like cool. We were, but we were just in a- So when I lived with him, he would just be, just dust on my birthday. We were just in Nashville and I got like a long letter from a member of that side of the family. Like a few days ago and they were like, we've been following your career.

We have this last name, is there a last name? I was like, but it was like a long note and I got it right before I'm going on stage. I'm like, I can't. I'll read it later. I can't do it. I, I, I. Pull it up.

I, but I was like, I can't, it's too much, you know. It's crazy. Well, Tammy from Des Moines is on my three, so let's go to the board. Dude, I just like, it's weird to hear this, that you were adopted, so like- Legally adopted, my mom, when people hear the word adopted, they think you're fucking out of an orphanage,

like Oliver Twist or something. That's not how it was. Okay, but still, you're not in touch with family members, so it makes sense that there's pieces that you would not know, right? But like, I last year read this biography about my granddad and found out that my grandma didn't tell my dad and all of his brothers

that she was dying, right? None of them told them, but she knew she was dying, so she told my now step grandmother that to give this note to her husband, like my granddad, and I didn't know that they even knew each other. And I didn't know that like, as I was reading this book, I was like, okay, so she gave a note to her best friend to give to her husband after she died.

And as I'm reading it, I'm going, wait, that's the name of my grandmother now. And I didn't know that they were best friends. I had no clue until I read this biography. I was like, this is shit that you find out if you're adopted. But I've been in this family my whole life and nobody has mentioned that. Interesting.

It was so fucking weird how families, the shit that they keep to themselves Oh, yeah, you just want to know on like a health level. I'm like hey what age should you get prostate cancer? I just want to know this a little shit like that. Yeah, he had it, and I just wanted I just want to know yeah, this is a run in the family exactly. He ran in the family I didn't know I had a schizophrenic aunt until I'll tell you, he's all right, you know? I didn't know I had a schizophrenic aunt until after. Really?

Yeah, yeah. I was like, I mean, it's like Republican, political. Everybody's got a schizophrenic kid. Whenever I find a relative on, what's it called, 23andMe, I'll be like, oh, so-and-so says they're your second cousin. And my mom's like, I think it's better not to respond. He's really Republican. My husband's Republican. You know second cousin. Yeah, I'm like I think it's better not to respond a Republican It's like we should just block him out, but yeah, yeah

She says it was just like so funny cuz she's like supposed to be this open liberal like she doesn't even want to know members So her family. I know she's like well. There's no sense in calling. He's registered Brother Yeah, we got it we got to get some shit as a country Sam didn't your dad skip town, but stay in town Yeah Well Damien Lemmon used to have a joke that I love where he goes you might the type of dad that would leave the family But stay in the neighborhood. Wow. I was like well. That's like fucking poetic that joke. Yeah, he was dude

He lived on like 55th and first I mean, so yeah, yeah, that's like fucking poetic, that joke. Yeah, he was, dude, he lived on like 55th and 1st. I mean, he was like right there. I mean, so, yeah, yeah, so I remember one Christmas, I was with, you know Scott Rogowsky? Oh, I love Rogowsky. He's an old friend of ours, used to be the HQ trivia guy. Mark and I like knew him since we were like 20 or something. Micro penis.

No, no, he doesn't, no, he doesn't. He had a bit about it. Mark's playing. And you guys are like, whoa, is he on Mark's play? He had a bit about it. It's playing. You guys are like, whoa, easy on Mark. He had a bit about it. It's in his act. It's in his act. I'm promoting his act.

Are you trying to get him to pull up a picture of his... Thank you. That's a Googler right there. What a Google bitch. 2015, my penis is below average length and girth. That's not even a joke attempt Yeah, what is PSA actually sad fact I love Scott whatever I don't know any of this stuff

But anyway, yeah, we were just hanging out We were hanging out one day we went to a Knicks game on Christmas and we were fucking hammered. I just remember being like in the nosebleeds with him and Scott's like, I'm titty fucking this girl. And there's this mom and kid next to me. She goes, sir do you mind? We're like, sorry, sorry. We're just bombed. We're like, we're very sorry. I love that guy. And then like a minute later he's like, it's all fucking up the ass. And she's like, sir, we're like, sorry. We're fucked up. What do you expect? it's a nosebleed but then later that day I was like my biological

dad just asked me to come over for Christmas do you want to be nice to have a buffer will you come with me and he like he's like yeah let's go so he's like the only person who ever met him oh yeah we went over there and like you know uh yeah he's a guy I love Scott there he is now all you can see is the penis that I know. That's his nose. This picture is terrific. Like of all the pictures he could have chosen. Yeah. Although I feel, it feels like you bumped into him a lot,

which I thought was really funny because they both lived in the Upper West Side. I'd see him in the neighborhood. I'd see him, I saw, I had to, well he moved to artist housing when I was in the Upper West Side. Yeah. He's not an artist.

It's a fucking scam. But his wife worked in the arts. But yeah, I saw him, I remember I'd see him and I'd be like fuck I just got to like dodge and he was old so I'd be able to like dodge around Yeah I was on the phone like after he'd bump into his and it would always be like the most Jewish plate like it would be Like they're both grabbing the same can of fish at like Murray I'm like, oh my god, I did he went to the fucking why same why?

I saw my dad at the Y. I'm like oh my god. I did he went to the fucking Y same Y Yeah, oh really oh yeah, we look exactly that's like a scene from a class doing labs Fun fact my biological micropenis You know he was not what's his name Arthur Elgort Wow, no Bob Elgort. No, that's not Brother, yeah, I'm drinking dude That's your dad's name both tried to climb onto the same elit. That's him in the top left Yeah, that's a little 1930s. He's old. Let me see. He's 90. Wow. I can see it the eye

Yeah, I will say he looks rich No, yeah, I just said he's an artist housing. Oh, yeah, you're right never mind. Oh wow He's like one of the marks broke a hot like Connard totally see it. Yeah, he was he was you over Yeah, yeah, it was like an ad man like a mad. Yeah, it was but he blew it all Keaton thing, too I've got breaking news. What, bad? Oh no. Bad? Shut up. Sure. Whoa! You did it?

Matt Pena did it. Did you guys do it? Oh my God, can you change mine too please? Mine's problematic as well. Wait, what? By the way, Rachel, he is producing a podcast right now. How much work are you giving him? I'll go back after.

Wait a minute, why didn't you pick a good picture? I like that. Are you happy? Yeah, that's a hot pick. That picture? I like that. Are you happy? This is great. Wow, now the episode is going to come out and it will go back. Probably, yeah. It doesn't still say that I got my start in the gritty downtown juggling scene.

I do look exactly like the Quasimodo, like the Hunchback of Notre Dame post. Oh, the old one, yeah. No, I think it's fun to find like old pictures for you It is you know what I mean on you know I just what's great about being a comic is the internet will humble you over But I get good no it feels like it's taking on a black bear like the old With like a real gummy smile come on Man Frank He was taking on a blackberry. It's being like the old Eatsville with like a real gummy smile. Come on. Gummy. It's Man Frank.

Frank. Yuck. Yeah, at least put the one where I played Anne Frank on this. Oh yeah, that was good. No, please put like a better looking pic. Can you please swap that out? Yeah, get a hot one. I've been trying to do this for 10 years.

Matt is amazing. Peter's a wizard. I'll tell you who doesn't have a small... I'll tell you who doesn't have a spout. I'll tell you who doesn't have a baby penis, man painters. He's a fucking idiot. I knew this would be a good hang. I had a good feeling about this. Right, right, right.

I got so excited when you said Rachel was. Oh yeah, yeah. No, but you have to understand how fucking hilarious Rosemont's special is. It's killer. It's a fucking hair type brilliant special. I'm bad about washing stand up. That gay joke with the baby in New York. Every time I, it's a fucking horror type, brilliant specialist. I'm bad about watching stand up. That gay joke with the baby in New York.

Oh I like that, I saw that joke. I think I posted that joke, I love that joke. Thanks dude. That was funny. Yeah it's such a good, that's what all a joke is, is like the perfect, you need that perfect analogy. And you're just like, you beat the audience to that analogy and you're like, oh that's the joke.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it was fun to like, it's interesting because I felt like it was done after that first year. I was like, I think I got it. And then there was so much shit that like over the year, they just got cut down and then got added that I was able to do. I'm like, I'm so glad I did it the way that it- Always better to wait.

Did it. It's just way better to wait. And I know there was like that pressure of like putting shit out all the time, but I really am like, I waited five years, I think, to put this one out. Oh, wow. Since the last one. Wow, five years?

I did too. And I think like, I remember like four years in, I told Collin, I was like, I think I've got a Quinn. And he was like, not yet. And I was like, I walked, I went home that night, I'm like, what the fuck? And I'm like, he was like, not yet. And I was like, I went home that night, I'm like, what the fuck? And I'm like, he was so correct. Right, yes.

And I'm so glad. Colin Quinn told you to wait. He told me to wait, yeah, he's like, it's not ready. And no comic is gonna tell you that, that's why I love Colin, because he really cares and he's like, no, it's not ready and he was 100% right. But some comics, Colin is a fucking great dude

and a great comic and understands, but I had a comic once tell me to wait and it was my best special, you know So I think some of those people were just like no, maybe listen to any hack that's jealous of you But Colin well, it wasn't a hack honestly, it was it was a good comic But I think they were just like well, maybe you're rushing it. I've rushed specials before this wasn't when I rushed like we've all have rushed A special like it happens the demand but I think Louie fucked it up for a while for everyone. Because when Louie was putting out every year, year and a half, yeah, he was doing that.

He was locked in, but not everyone should be doing that. I don't think Louie fucked it up for that. I think they fucked it up for themselves thinking I can do it. I have his mind. You know what I mean? Where they're like, I don't have the experience nor the skill, but I'm gonna do it exactly like he does it.

And it's like, why? Well, it's like when everyone tried to emulate Jon Stewart and you're like, no, this guy was fucking locked in. Right, right. It just, same with Animal House. They just kept trying to remake Animal House. Yes. No, maybe Animal House was just really fucking good.

Yeah, just let it go. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like when they try to remake anything, personally. I mean, I'm like, if it was good, stop it. I know. You better have a new spin. When they did a shot-for-shot remake of Psycho, I'm like, what's the talent here? Why?

I agree. They added one thing, it was Vince Vaughn jacking off. That's the only thing they added to that movie. Well, they're just scared. They're cowards. They go, hey, this worked. Let's make money on the next thing, and it'll be the same. It's harder for them to make their money back. Yeah, you're right.. It's harder for them to make their money back.

Yeah, you're right. Progressively harder for them to make their money back, so they're just counting on what they think is a solid thing. And to be honest, as far as movies go, it seems to be working for them. Well, the comic book shit, definitely. No, but it's not working. Now it's starting to.

Well, Brady Corbett, who made The Brutalist, the guy said he made no money on the movie. It took three years of his life. I didn't love the movie, but it was impressive. Like, I mean, the fact that he stretched this budget, it was under 10 million he shot it for. It looked like a $90 million movie. It did. It looked big.

And you saw it? I saw half of it, I fell asleep. First half is fucking great. Second half is like, it made some weird choices. The director, great hair. He has good hair Yeah, but like no it has beautiful moments But like there's some misses but like the fact that he made no fucking money on this and he gave it three years of his

Life yeah to me. It's like the rosebud photo You see that shit he's a speech he gave about like this shouldn't be we shouldn't have to like have a second job as a director Oh, yeah, yeah when you're making like good movies to the internet's fucking everything up the movie business That's what you know you're lonely in your marriage where I want to see a picture of every man That's brought up like every time say oh, let me see I want Sean Baker Sean Baker Simon Rex our buddy who is in your movie Red Rocket told me you don't do podcasts. I hope this gets back to you because I want you on the fucking podcast.

Yeah, Simon Rex is literally in there. I think your movie Enora was my favorite movie of last year. I fucking loved it. God, I was so annoyed with how much Andy wanted to watch that. It's a great movie. It's really great. I know it's a great movie, but I know he just wants to watch it because she's hot.

And he was like, and that fucking movie was just like, he brought it with us on Christmas break. I was like, we're not watching a Nora in my mom's house. So you can like, I'm gonna talk to Andy about this. Break up with her. Yeah. She's hot?

She's not even that hot. She's hot. She, like yeah, Andy has a real thing. Oh really? She's so good in the movie though. It's a great movie. You also have an idea for like what your husband's thing. Like I always know what he should have married.

So if any woman looks like she could have been a Catholic, a Cnetician or something. Yes, yes. I am specific. Yes. Yes. Mr. Key was fucking good, man. Very good.

He should have married a hot nurse from Long Island, so whenever I see a nurse, I'm just clocking her extra tight. Right. This guy's a legit filmmaker, though. He did Florida Project, Red Rocket. He's the real deal. I think his stuff, it's a lot of- Skinny cock there, let me tell you, a massive, massive-

This guy's got a hard dick. Oh yeah. Hard dick Sean Baker. Come on, we might be drunk, dude. He went on Jim and Sam, I think. Really? Let's fucking get him in here, man. I would love to get him, hey, there we go.

Oh, whoa, stars! What are we- Wow, Hachi Machi! Is that young Simon? Dude, don't do Simon. Whoa! X this out, don't do Simon like that. He doesn't like that. Yeah, it's our doors! Wow! Hachi machi! What the fuck? Is that young Simon? Dude, don't do Simon. Whoa! X this out. Don't do Simon like that. He doesn't like that.

Yeah, it's our buddy. Come on. I had to interview him once and they were like, don't ask him about it. He looks great! He looks great, but I don't want to be fucking promoting his nudes. Why do you wear a prosthetic in Red Rocket when he's got a decent hog? He's got a nice hog. Yeah.

He's got a fucking great hog. No, I mean, when I saw that in Red Rocket, I was like, fuck. And then he said it was a fake Rocket, I was like, fuck. And then I heard you say it was a fake dick, and I was like, thank God. Yeah, yeah, good to be back. Yeah. And just like that, we're back in the game. Yeah, so you excited?

I think Gillis is on this week. Yeah. That'll be fun. I ran into McKeever and Becky in the hall. Oh, good eggs. Love that Becky. Yeah, it's always nice when stand-ups host. Yeah, for sure.

Who is something that you had a lot of fun with when they hosted? Chappelle. For sure. You know, Shane. We get more juice for her too. Last time Shane hosted. I mean, I was on the sketch side,

so there's more interaction with the host when you're on the sketch side. Yeah. But now I'm on update, so I'm just sort of like in a windowless room with like four other writers. And it's just like we're like siloed alone. And it's just us and our computers, and then we like turn around and shoot the shit

with each other, and then go back to our computers. That's more my speed. Yeah, it's much, much better for me in terms of like the way my brain works and just like, you know, even at the end of the week when it's more collaborative, you're just tagging each other's jokes. Yeah. Do you get burnt out on those topical jokes?

Yeah. Sometimes just staring at a plane crash. What's funny about a plane crash? Yeah, yeah. You start to feel like a psychopath, you know? Yeah. Do you also, is there ever a time when you pitch a joke and they're like, no, and you're like,

that's a good fucking joke, I'm taking that joke. Keep sure. Yeah. Yeah, there's a there's plenty of them but I kind of like interesting in a way because like every time you know, it's kind of like stand-up or like everything every time I'm like wildly humiliated or I have some jarring horrible interaction with somebody. I'm like, okay great. Well, just put in my act Yeah, there you go It feels like that a little bit in the writers room because it's such's such a terrifying writer's room where it's like, OK, well, I get that. Then I get that.

You know, every time we're jarring with Jackson. It was more like that on the sketch side, because I felt so odd on that side of the table, where it was like, I didn't know how to yes and. Comics are all like, no, but. That's the way that we interact. And then the sketch writers and improv, they're yes anding each other all day long.

So the whole time I'm feeling like a freak. I'm just feeling like an absolute freak of nature, like ruining a dinner party every day at work. Now I feel normal. Now I feel like, okay, I'm with the psychopaths. Yeah! We know some of the other people who write that. Doesn't Casey do that as well?

Casey writes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Her 9-11 joke is so funny. Oh yeah. I love that joke. And then Josh Patt her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Her 9-11 joke is so funny. Oh yeah. I love that joke. And then Josh Patton, Megan Callahan, Pete Schultz, and Dennis McNicholas. Are the hours as crazy or? They're as crazy, yeah, they're crazy.

What about Che? You getting in there? I've known Che 20 years, I can't pierce the skin. That guy is a fucking- He's a rhino. He's a tank that's got the door shut. He's like a submarine I'm talking about Keith treach a love sucking, but okay, okay? Yeah, I'm dead inside too, but chance

Can't get in there. You're not dead inside. I well you know what I mean We've because we've had a lot of that drone night with you said of you. That's what I'm saying, but that's what I'm saying I thought it'd be pretty but it's all who you really I feel like we've had a lot of those nights where we just fucking Connect on yes, it's I mean it's all who you ask. Really? I feel like we've had a lot of those nights where we just fucking connect on shit. Yes. I mean, it's part of that I've known Mark for so long, but like how many of those nights were at the subway station at 2 a.m. and I'm waiting for my train

and Mark's just fucking waiting there and we're just shit talking people for like three hours. Sure. And we're just like, good vent, see you tomorrow. Yeah. Fuck, those keep you going. Look at how many, I've had so many nights, this is probably 10, 11 years ago or whatever.

Bobcat, there's. Sometimes I feel like I it Sean get a read on the guy on on Che. Yeah, I feel like he's very easy He's always been a fun hang to me. He's a great hang easy great hang just gonna say this is a peeve right now No one's yes, Andy marks fucking yeah, I'm with you. I love I'm with you. I love Michael I get what you're saying. I think he's a brilliant comedian. I have said that. Oh look at us, we're babies here. Yeah. Holy shit. Let me see. Oh there, I'm in the top left there.

Back before women did comedy. All white men, except Che and Damien. I do think that Che is like, I've described him as, it feels like hugging a ghost. Thank you. If I come to you with an emotional problem. That's what I'm talking about. But I just,, it feels like hugging a ghost. If I was to come to you with like an emotional problem. That's what I'm talking about.

But I just, there's like people that you go to for that and then there's people you don't. Yeah, right, right, right. I feel like Sam is that you're the most satisfying person to go through. Like, I feel like I do like a nighttime roundup of my day where it's like, what is Gary Springer's final thoughts to Sam?

I just like, yeah. You're very empathetic. I just like give all my complaints and I feel like you're very satisfying also because I feel like you'm just like, yeah. And just like give all my complaints. And I feel like you're very satisfying also because I feel like you have that like, just that New York Jew vibe where you complain just enough until you're done complaining. But it's all for a purpose.

Like you don't wanna stay in that space. It started out as a compliment. It's like an art form. It started as a compliment and then she called me a New York Jew who, he's like he's a whiny bitch and he, it's just, it's tough. But no, I know.

You're kind of a nice man. Rachel's the same way. She's a phone buddy for sure on the road. Oh yeah. You have that friend you talk shit to. But you need that. I love talking shit about clubs with Sam. I'll text you whenever I've had a really bad road gig.

You need to get it out. And you'll respond with specific examples of places that were similar. We had a good one about Atlanta. I didn't want to say it. I've had great times there, but they did one time due to me. When you're younger and you're not selling enough tickets, they made you do the three shows on Saturday. And I remember selling out the two late ones and the early one they made me do for 12 people and you really start the night in a rough tone

I had to do a show in Atlanta for five people Wow five and they were like finish it up bitch whoa dance you want your full check you get up there and dance for five people and I believe one of them worked there. Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn. Damn. I did enjoy, no, I wouldn't say. Great diner too. Great diner. The diner's great. There's no steaks at the diner.

Yeah, I was like- You want a diner steak? No, I'm saying the low steaks. Oh, okay. Got it, got it. Your store is the best, so obviously you want the best checkout. Lucky for you, Shopify is the number one check out on the planet and today's sponsor.

Shopify literally boosts conversions up to 50% by using ShopPay, which allows customers to check out super quickly and pay for purchases and installments. This means way fewer abandoned carts and way more sales for you. Yeah, Shopify is easy. This is what you wanna be on, guys. Yes.

I mean, why complicate life? Get on Shopify. Yeah, we sell shirts, mugs, cups, hooch. Get on it. When you sell with Shopify, you're ready to sell on the web in your store, in your customer's feeds, and everywhere in between. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout

Haley Bieber uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash drunk all lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash drunk to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash drunk. But they were fun. I mean it was like one of those road gigs where you're like, this is insane what's happening.

But I can appreciate it because I've left my body. Yes. Exactly, exactly. You're looking down at yourself, yelling at some dude in a diner. It's like literally. I'm laughing at myself from like above. You know what I mean?

It's like De Niro outside that place was smacking the phone finding out Joe Pesci got whacked. That's the fucking vibe of the diner. It's like an assault in a stairwell of a parking complex. You're like, I'm out of my body. This guy's having his way with me. I'll go up there. Yeah, I'm looking from above.

Yeah, but laughing at myself. I've had fun there. I love Atlanta crowds. I really think they're great crowds. They're very good crowds. I love those crowds. I just did Atlanta on this run and I was like, man, that was one of the most fun crowds I've had. I love it. I love those crowds. I just I just did Atlanta on this run And I was like man that was one of the most fun crowds I've had I love it. I love the South

Tabernacles, yeah, Nashville. I'm going to Nashville this week. I will say like oh They're always really really really fun great comedy town We got we had a great time Taylor LaWann from Busting with the Boys came out and we were doing we're making this dumb movie We were shooting a dumb party scene with him And he was like so game to like make Gary snort fake lines and shit. He was so fun to hang out with. I mean Nashville's the best. I love it.

And the chicken fucked up the tour bus for a while. Sure, sure. But I love that you love the South. South gets a bad rap. I love the South. We have a good time. You haven't done the smaller room at Zany's, have you? The newer room.

I'm doing Zany's this weekend. Are you doing the newer room? I don't know, I don't know. I just didn't even look. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no and I'm like, hey, the car will be there. Yeah. It's gonna work out. The show's gonna happen as long as I show up. Every time I get on a plane, it feels so unnatural. So I just feel like, stand up feels like obviously the most natural thing, but hurling my body to an airport, I kind of have to disassociate like a child that's getting abused or something. I'm like, I'm gonna go to a meadow where it's safe

until I'm landing in a little. Yes, hear your eyes, zombie out. With everything in my life though, like truly everything, like even having a kid, I was kind of are, I zombie out. I can't get that to happen with everything in my life though. Like truly everything. Like even having a kid, I was kinda like, I guess I'm doing this, you know what I mean? Yes. But that might be the most healthy attitude

because you know what, you're more present. Yeah. You're more present. No, well, I'm too tired to form a new memory, so it's not like I'm present. I know, but if you're not planning ahead, I do think you're present. I think if you're not thinking about everything

that's coming next, you're like, this is gonna happen. Well, I do feel like that's why I kind of relate to comedian moms a little bit more than some other moms because I feel like, or at least people a little more like, because I'm like type D, I'm the least type A person. So I didn't read a single book about pregnancy. I was just like, whatever, I just had one, my dermatologist told me what to do,

and I was like, okay, she's like, have a C-section. I'm like, all right. One type A bitch to give me like a plan. You know, and I feel like, and I, a lot of women get very like, I don't know, they just get like holier than now around like birthing and stuff and I'm just like, the rest of our lives is so exciting and compelling.

Like I don't care how my kid arrives, you know? And that's why it was very satisfying like to talk to like Rosebud That's why your I loved your special so much because I just feel like it's nice to talk to a mom That's like also, maybe a little darker. I feel like I don't share too fast. Oh my god How you really feel and they start backing away slowly and you're like oh, I fucked this up Yeah, bond I always say too much too fast. Me too.

Yes, they're just like, oh, we just started teething and I'm like, I'm snacking on Xanax. Flip it. Flip it, Peters. Well, I think our brain naturally goes to the craziest place. I know. And we have to dial it back for non-comedians

all the time. Keo was saying that to me the other night because he's just like, I see the way that you and I interact with people and he's just like, that's not, we have to remember that's not what most people do. Like I'm just like, should we take this to the sickest place? Okay, I feel better.

You guys are giving me shit. This is why I'm jerking off on Esty. Matteo. I'm going to the craziest place. That's all I was doing. Matteo is the best fucking person to be your neighbor. It's so fucking nice to have him in my building. He's a good egg.

I love him so much. He's crazy. I really love him so much. Him screaming at his Italian aunts too is like nothing makes me laugh more than him. His Chicago family, yeah. Screaming at the TV together, like no, no, watch Hoarders, put on Hoarders, Matteo.

I also appreciate just like the comedians in general, like when you have a kid they don't care and it's nice because they don't like For a while I was like I'm lonely and then I was like oh They just don't care because I'm still the same person to them They didn't none of them gave me that bullshit like hey mama They didn't do any of that and I was so grateful for that because I didn't want to be treated like differently Yes, you know what I mean? I know what you mean It was almost a relief to be around narcissists because yes, they didn't feel like they had to lower their voice an octave

I'm like they don't even it didn't even occur to them whether you slept last night No, which is somehow appealing because you just know. Yeah is interesting. Yeah Yeah I went to high school with a bunch of like mook drunk Psycho guys and they didn't care about anything and was very, they didn't ask you about your day or anything, it was just get drunk, black out, fight each other, whatever. And it was an easier life.

Those guys are weirdly non-judgmental. Yes! You think of them as like judgmental, but then you're like, now these guys only care about getting drunk. Yeah. Well, you say that until you're crying from it. Oh, I'll do that.

I'll do that. Then they're like, get him! Yeah. But I've had comics meet my high school friends, they're like, whoa, how do you hang out with those guys? Yeah. It was easy. I have one that still hits me up all the time,

and he is like a complete psycho. There you go. His mom was a hoarder, they got like kicked out of their building. He's like a chess genius. So he was ranked number one in the country. But he also was like a raging coke head. Is this your gambling friend, the one that gambles? Yeah, he's a gamble.

He used to show up at shows and Phil Hanley would be like, this guy's incredible. And I'd be like, give it a couple hours. What the fuck's wrong with this guy? Seeing what's happened to the rich kids that I grew up with, because they always had money. They didn't try to be anything because they had everything they needed.

So I'll go home and I remember going to pick up a steak or something from a restaurant They always had money. They didn't try to be anything because they had everything they needed. So I'll go home and I'll like, I remember going to pick up like a steak or something from like a steak house. And my friend who I had gone to high school with comes around the corner in a waitress like outfit and she's got like this and she's on crutches and she's like, Rosebud, how's it going? And I was like, Hey, what happened? She goes, I fell off a roof. You know what that reminds me of is Schumer's high school friend.

It's like we're 30. You ever hang out with them? Like you'd be on a private jet with Schumer or something and she'd be like, I'm going to bring my Long Island high school friend. They're the most fun girls you ever met. So fun, crazy, doing shots. They're all just like nurses with like the scratchiest voice you bad tattoos they got like a burden when you just move straight to the lot yeah I like and they're like they seem like they've been on around the world like three times but it's the best man those friends you grew up with it's

like it's fucking so satisfying yeah cuz you do like oh shit this is oh totally one of my friends he's bartons of the cellar Dan Paul you know he said that he's he said that he's at the oh, he's a great guy. He's my boy. I mean we grew up together I know in that photo. Well, those were the good old days But yeah, anytime somebody's at the cellar like this guy's toxic I'm like I grew up with a guy exactly like that and he was my best friend Cuz the toxic guys fucking funny they're funny and they're fun and they do crazy shit That's why I used to like to hang with the skaters in high school because the skaters were funny They were like the dry weird that was me guys that may or may not commit suicide. Yes

Yeah, they got some edge. Yeah, and the toxic guys more fun than the narc The funniest thing about mark is that like in every picture it looks like somebody photoshopped you in because you were on the road That's uh, that's that's Ben yeah he was the woodsman he'd do all the cool furniture would work I like that guy like a guy fun she married the wrong guy Chris is cool Chris is a good egg yeah I do I love featuring I got oh the best I really love featuring didn't have to worry about promoting, selling tickets. You do 15 minutes of work and you live a rich person's lifestyle for the weekend. Oh yeah.

And then, you know, people come up and they go, oh you should have been the headline. Yes! And you're like, yeah I know. And then, but you're like, you're just living it up from like very little work. And it's, I mean, I do think it's the best job in comedy. No, it is. Featuring for a really successful comic is the best. I remember when I first started opening on the road

and I would just be like waiting, like after, just to see like, is he gonna ask me again? Like, did you ask me again? Like just waiting, checking my texts all day. And then I remember getting off stage once and like the headliner being like, ooh, you're a dirty birdie. Meanwhile, I was just sn being like oh you're a dirty birdie meanwhile you're dirty birdie like one dirty joke yeah oh you're not a little bitch but it is kind of nice I

will say as like when Norton's like if you had a dick we could take this to the next level but I don't know that was that's an old-timey thing no offense but I remember those days we had to to audition for the headliner. He wanted him to like you or you wanted him to like. Every single one. Everyone. It wasn't as much as auditioning, but it was like I would, that was my whole life,

so it was just like if he asks me to do another disgusting weekend for like 500 bucks, then you know. That's a win. Oh my God, I remember being like, I hope Spanky Brown thinks I'm funny. Yeah, exactly, exactly. But you really did. Yeah, oh yeah.

You really did and those fucking weekends made you a pro. Those weekends made you give a shit about setting up the headliner. You know, it's not just about doing well, but you want them to be like, this guy gave me a good crowd. I hadn't even done The Road and then started featuring for Amy

and then started headlining my own and I was like Oh, this is a fucking rude awakening Oh Wrong way where like I should have been doing these shitty gigs then done that then gone back to the shitty gigs cuz like Once I was doing like headlining gigs at these like shitty clubs. I was like this sucks ass I didn't realize how fucking rough this was. Oh yeah, you remember you think you have

way more time than you do? Yeah, I thought being on the road and it sucking was like a myth and story comics were telling. Oh no. And I got on the road and I was like, oh my god. Papered rooms, heck of a little bathroom. But I started so young that I was like, this is cool. Just being in a hotel to me was fucking cool.

I remember it took me a while, my mom would call and be like, this is cool. Like, just being in a hotel to me was fucking cool. Like, I remember it took me a while, my mom would call and be like, this isn't the life you want, and I'm like, I think I'm too far in at this point. Yeah, and we were young. We were young, but like, I think she saw the writing on the wall, like, if this doesn't work, you are gonna have a sad fucking life.

Oh, yeah. And I was like, I know. Yeah. I don't need the reminder. Yeah. I have these thoughts. You'd see those headshots. I'm listening to Tom Waits. Right. You see those headshots in a club, you're like, ooh, I'm scared of being that guy with the mullet, who's like kind of a draw in Nashville.

And that's when they looked good. Yeah, right. I mean, like. That was just peak. That was peak, yeah. I also feel like it's just a, it's an even, it's a way different situation for a guy and a woman on the road.

There's just such a throbbing loneliness to being a woman on the road woman. And all my time in the road, like in the years where like a guy would just be like, you know, crushing ass like I don't remember one man just even even glancing at me. Oh, come on. Never. Now, this is a peeve. Comics always do this. They go, no guy ever hit on me, blah, blah, blah.

And then one guy hits on you go, there's too many creeps in this club. Which one is it? No, I want them to are you kidding? Oh, come on Anything I can get it's still there I want a Paris filter instead of that Human being make a pair of fucking peeves. All right hit me Oh, sorry, go ahead. No, go ahead. I just want to respond to Mark. No, we're not making it, at least I'm not making it. If Salikus hit on you at the Zanies in Nashville, you'd go, this fucking, that's Hart being a woman,

this weirdo's hitting on me. I would immediately be like, stick it in, but I would download that to continue my self-esteem. Okay, okay. I've had a few female headliners I work with where like, everybody here's hitting on me, I hate it, this sucks. And you're like, all right, I'll stop, okay. I've had a few female headliners I work with where like everybody here is hitting on me, I hate it, this sucks. And you're like, all right, I'll stop, Jesus.

Then they'll be like, no guy ever hits on me. And I'm like, yeah, you can't have it both ways. Here's what we're saying. In a comedy crowd. Here's what we're saying is that based off of how well we just did, we think that we should be getting hit on more than we are. We're not saying no one ever hits on us.

We're saying like no one ever hits on us. Okay. We're saying like, this is crazy because I've seen male comics do worse than I just did and get pussy thrown at their fucking nose. You know what I mean? Sure. And we are sort of going like- Our bar is lower too. Maybe.

I'd go wheelchair lady. That's true. I know, I've- Yeah, yeah, yeah. But listen, you get lonely enough on the road. Wheelchair lady in some hotels. Their bar gets pretty low. They don't have elevators. It's a whole thing you know It could be tough. I put a broomstick right in that wheel she can't go anywhere Guy and the mom would complain about when they first came to the country and she used to go and then

She had no friends With tears running down her face What it says on the parking spot wheelchair people Man that is hilarious. The Special Olympics is now called Wheelchair People. I will say, being a single male road comic is fun. It was fun. And I totally get that, yeah, not being, you know, a woman on the road is.

Of course. There's definitely, I remember Ida Rodriguez, man, we were on a road gig years ago in like fucking, I wanna say like Puerto Rico or some shit. What? We were somewhere weird road gig years ago in like fucking, I wanna say like Puerto Rico or some shit. We were in some, we were somewhere weird. Puerto Rico? I was hammered the whole fucking weekend. But I remember some guy came backstage

and I was like, he was fucking with her and I was like, I'll fucking kill you. I was totally bluffing, but I was like, I will fucking like leave her the fuck alone. And she told me a story on the road gig where like, she was like, I had a guy once like try to break my door down and I was like, oh my God. Like you hear the shit women deal with on the road, you're like like, I had a guy once try to break my door down and I was like, oh my God. You hear the shit women deal with on the road,

you're like, yeah, it's fucking different. That sounds like a porno for us. That's never once happened to me. A man came into my room in Vegas, he started to open the door. JustGow? No, it was the guy. Ha ha ha ha ha.

That's a deep cut, no one's gonna get that. I said, a man, a man. Ha ha ha ha ha. Not a lovely lady. Again, if Just Go hit on you on the road, you go this fucking club. Nothing would make me feel safe if it was Just Go hitting on me.

All right. And then Just Go, if I woke up in the dead of night and Just Go was like strumming a show tune on my bed. I can't remember like a single time that something that creepy has happened. Oh, no, no, no, no, there was once, but it was a different kind of creepy. It was not sexual.

It was, a guy came up and was like, hey Rosebud, can you sign this? And it was a book, and I was like, well, I haven't written a book. So I looked at it and I was like, what is this? And he was like, it's just a book. And I was like, do you want me to sign a picture or something? And he was like, no, you could just do this.

And I was like, no, I can do it just on a piece of paper for you or something. And he was like, no, I just wanted to get your signature in case something happens to you and Andy needs your signature. What? And I was like, what the fuck? And I was just like, gah.

And it didn't feel sexual, And I was just like, gah, like that was, and it wasn't, it didn't feel sexual, but it did feel like you don't wanna fuck me, but you might wanna kill me. Right, right, yeah. That's worse. Yeah, I had to get a restraining order

against this guy because he was making like, he was sending packages to this other Rachel Feinstein that he thought was me in Brooklyn, with like this, like dark, but like embarrassing fan fiction. It would be like, Rachel got off stage and her manager Sylvia looked at her tall ass. And she turned around and waved.

Like it was, it was like an entire book. Whoa. He sent her like a wedding ring. And again. Thinking it was you. Thinking that it was me. Got it. And then she reached out to me and she's like,

hey, I filed a police report. I've been getting a lot of packages from somebody that she was so annoyed to. She wasn't I wasn't like the cops like this guy's a good writer. Yeah. This is good writing right here. No, I mean, he was like, I shouldn't talk about this, probably. But like, yeah, no, he was in a trailer park and the cops just like knocked on his door.

They were like, yes, you got to stop. So these packages. Yeah. He was doing a lot of he was like painting me a lot like but what also weren't you had someone lying you they weren't that sorry he was like homelish at best oh oh that's bad was he painting that East ville picture of you guys thank you that's you. But no, it wasn't good. I mean, it was very alarming. Yeah, it's bad.

No, I mean, I've never had anybody just come up and, it's true, by the way, Mark, we're not making it up. Oh no, but my point is, the guy with the book that you're freaked out by, we would go, I think I'm in with this chick. Right, because we wouldn't have a fear of getting murdered afterwards. That's the difference, the fear of getting murdered.

Yes. Yeah, we don't have the murder fear. Well, he brought's the difference, the fear of getting murdered. Yes. We don't have the murder fear. Well, he brought up that I might die, you know what I mean? Yeah. It also wasn't like an unrealistic, like, just like, I wasn't like jumping to, he literally said like, just in case something happens to you. No, that's crazy. I was like, that's, I don't love that.

Yeah, this guy wanted to make a suit out of my skin, probably. Like I don't know, like he was like painting and I mean it wasn't good, he was living in the woods, like he was throbbing with. How many acres on the woods? Yeah. What are we looking at? How big was his compound?

Right. By the way, like of all the people that like, since I started dating Pete, that have like, there's been a few situations like that where a guy's been kind of alarming and I'm like, one time I got into a Guy's car because he pretended like he was at uber when I was leaving club I was like, I don't know if this guy's the uber. I'm just a little worried if he was like, I'm sure it'll be

Sleep I'm gonna send you that like and it wasn't by the way It I convinced the guy to like take me back, but it wasn't in any way at uber like And he was a dude who was just trying to pick up chicks as a fake Uber driver. And he was like, sure, it'll be fine. And he took you home. You took me back to the hotel. What I'm hearing is you got a free ride. That's all I'm hearing. OK.

That's female privilege. You have gotten to get in a car and be like, oh, this guy's not an Uber. And I don't know whether or not like what did you. He was a guy that was like quaking with mental illness, who was at my show earlier and guy's not an Uber, and I don't know whether or not, like, what did you? He was a guy that was, like, quaking with mental illness, who was at my show earlier and wanted to be my Uber, which I still think is kind of flattering if you're out there. That's true.

But, um, because he didn't rate me, and I just wanna say thank you so much. That's so sweet that you didn't rate me. Who has better adjectives than Rachel? Throbbing, quaking, wildly. Truly the best adjectives in comedy. Quaking mental illness. That's wild.

But no, I had a guy at the Seoul Ming, she also said, Seoul Ming. That's by the way, that's a dark life. You're just waiting for chicks in a fake, that's like the plot of Bone Collector, remember that movie? Denzel, Angelina.

Is that how that was? Yeah, a guy just picks you up in a cab and he puts some gas in the backseat and fucking takes you and kills you. Not a great movie, but. Angelinaina. Angelina she was looking pretty good. I got a bone to collect. Yeah buddy. Oh yeah you do. John Voight daughter. Weird. It is weird. I know because I guess John Voight was a hot guy. He's a fucking midnight cowboy. He's got his face in her face. Yeah it looks exactly like her so it's almost like I can't see him as a man because I just see like beautiful

Angelina that's probably how you stay hard while fucking her you just I mean like don't come I mean you're just like I'm gonna fuck I'm void John Voight. All right Whoa she's hot too, isn't she like a French actress? I don't know. I have no information. Yeah, she's beautiful. Yeah Angelina man, you heard she uh Wasn't she like a French actress? I don't know. I have no information. Yeah, she's beautiful. Yeah. Dang. Angelina, man. You heard she, Brad Pitt, I think, hit the kids. Yeah? Yeah.

I did read that. Allegedly. See? Yeah. You sound like a kid hitting apologist right there, Salakus, doing the allegedly. Yeah, we don't wanna get sued. I saw that on like, it was like,

Distancing. In a plane, right? Yeah, he beat her, he roughed her up a little, but the first rule of fire show. And the FBI had to come, and they were still like, I don't know about this lion bitch, but the FBI was there, what the fuck? Yeah.

It's not like a woman tells a tale of any kind of abuse, they're just like, I don't know. Well, it's bad pic, you don't want him to be a bad guy, you know? I know, I like too many of his movies. Listen, you can still come to him. Oh yeah. And I still will. Yeah. I did, he was the only man I've ever seen on screen

where when he was on that rooftop in Hollywood, I was alone in that theater and I took a picture of the movie screen. Wow. Which is psychotic. No, when he was on, like what was the first time he was on? That movie was so satisfying. Oh yeah.

I remember, I saw it with Ari Shaf fear and I remember we just like we just left One day his house. He's like, let's do a podcast about that movie. I was like, let's fucking do it Caprio alone in that trailer And this guy's like what 54 here something like that for something I I remember seeing this and just going good god Because I just feel like a dirty Jew and I'm like he would never want to fucking, he wouldn't want anything to do with a Rachel Feinstein. God damn it.

That's true, especially that Wikipedia pic. That makes me want to name like Rosebud Baker. Rosebud Baker is a fucking, that's a hot name. That's a good name. Clean name. Yeah, nice Gentile. Nice, clean, not a whisper of ethnicity in him. Yeah, but you know what, I grew up,

people just called me Bud, so that's like how I got the personality. Interesting. You know? How about Brad Pitt and Troy? That was fucking crazy. I never saw Troy. It's not great, but he's Achilles,

and he's just shredded. You guys didn't let that play long enough, or slow enough? Yeah, see, like when I would see a guy like that that was that hot though, and even when I would fantasize about him, I would give him some kind of ailment or something so that I could make him want me.

So I'd be like, oh, he has to have some sort of gangrenous disease. I mean, look at this fucking dude. He's on his last legs. See that. I don't know who I'm more attracted to, him or Rose Byrne, this is crazy. Oh yeah, Rose Byrne's hot.

Rose Byrne's hot. I mean, he's shredded. Oh yeah. Yeah, I don't like wet long hair Screaming at me and the plane and shaking me a little okay come on I'm in it to win it. Yeah, why'd she call the FBI on that? Why'd he hit his kids? Did they say why I think they made fun of Roy he shoved him down. It wasn't a punch situation. Oh Allegedly you are an apologist aren't you? Yeah, what are you doing to Charlie? He loves BP?

He shook her a little bit, but I think his girlfriend now is a big heap if I'm not gonna sell it She's like I think his kids said the n-word or something. I think they had a really pull up as his girlfriend He's getting a Nes something. She's not a heap.. Ah damn, sorry. It's like a Nez something or other. You wanted Jew in there? I was hoping. Like Latina architecture. Ah, you're right, you're right. What about Amal Clooney?

What about her? What about her? Is she a hebe? No, you're just saying because of her nose, you fucking racist. She's hot. She is hot. I mean, she's in my top five. And why would a guy have a thing like you?

She's not in your top five. Easily, easily. I love when you got Scarlett Johan. Oh, she's gorgeous. Very attractive lady. Stunning. Do you remember how mad people were that he was with her? What, really? Yeah, when they first got together they were like, why the fuck would he go?

Because she was like a lawyer. Why, she's so beautiful. They were upset that he went with like a really intelligent woman with a career. Public service announcement, Clooney, you're on Broadway. We're clearly fans of yours. I've fucking quoted out of sight on this podcast many times. Come on the fucking pod.

We'll promote Good Night and Good Luck. Love the movie. Clooney, I know you're hearing us here. Love your wife. He loves your wife. He wants to have sex with your wife. That's their sales pitch. Yeah.

You need to come on the show. Is this a Google actress, Jewish people? Oh, Gal Gadot. No, not Jewish actress. Be a coonist. Thanks for Jews. These are amazing. No, we need Clooney on here. I think that's a good app

Oh, of course of course come on. It's classic. That's classic You did Marin we're fucking comics. Oh Man's man of drinks what he has a tequila. He's cost amigos. Yeah, but I think he would like bodega cat. Yeah, you better believe it Come on. Hey, we're kind of like you were following your footsteps So you want to talk to the younger versions of the you know we got bodega Like no no liquor salesmen, we're doing Where the team ooh of those two guys? Team is fucking flattering at that point. I'll take

Tmoo anything Randy Gerber yeah, he looks like he'd be a wild one to drink with who's Gerber is that Randy Gerber was that, like, Randy Gerber? Yeah, he looks like he'd be a wild one to drink with. Who's Gerber? Is that Randy Gerber? Yeah, exactly. Who's Randy Gerber? He is. Married to Cindy Crawford.

Whoa! Damn. He looks like he would tie one on in a fucking... Yeah, like, we'll hang out, we'll wife swap, it'll be great. It'll be cool. This is real Gentile shit right here. Just a couple of men out there on hogs. But Clooney would like us.

Clooney, it's out there. It's out there now Clooney seems like the kind of guy that would go to like an all-man's barber shop like he would just go and get you know Even the guys and have the whiskey and the head shave or the neck shave I think I do they all go to barber shops. I guess they all do I mean go to barbershop my guy says weird shit, man I might need a change. It's tough. I've always been so jealous that men have the barber shop Yeah, he just makes fucked up jokes and then starts laughing to himself. I'm like, I don't like this energy.

That sounds great. But they're not good jokes. Ah, okay. My dentist does that. It's disgusting. Really, what does he do? It's like my mouth is open. I feel, I just feel like I'm getting

Drilled? Violated right now. You're getting drilled by a dude? Yeah, I'm just like, ugh. But with bad jokes, it's like really terrible. No, I get it. You by a dude. Yeah, I'm just like yeah, but but with bad jokes. Yeah, no I got a big laugh Yeah, a lot of work haha. That's sharp. Yeah Yeah, my dad's a bad breath which is weird like who does my dentist? I'm like you got a horrible breath, but you that's your thing you should say it's like a barber with a fucking bad

I've gotten the fucking bald ponytail barber. I'm like, you don't know well enough to cut that shit? I know. This is your whole bag. Yeah. Find me a photo of a Jew on a motorcycle. I don't think I've ever seen it. Jew on a motorcycle? That doesn't exist. There's no way.

Or NFL. Or a Jew operating a fuse box. You see a Jew at a fuse box. Yeah. I do it at home. At like four in the morning. Jew on a motorcycle is, dude, I told you to be Israeli. What did I say?

Please posing Israelis are built differently like I think like cuz I think of like military and like how I'd not be cut out for the military Then you see though. I'm like oh fuck I have allergies Any of you guys have Cl in D. Gun is heavy Night and she did like an impression me talking to Sam was when she was playing with her dolls. She was like don't worry Sam It's not your back. It's just anxiety Wait till you see you for real. Yes, she goes. Don't worry. She's fast asleep. She can't hear anything

You say right now. I was so horrified cuz I'm like she's heard all my conversations She can't hear anything we say my pussy's so wet right now Yeah, she goes it's not your back it's anxiety wow that's adorable No, she's getting really funny She's like did you see that video right where she talked to me all about God like she asked me all about God And yes, it's probably worthless. Yeah Just like can I see a picture of God like she woke me up like in like five in the morning and people say yeah I wouldn't worry about let's just play hungry hippos

How did she did you tell her about God he goes well She asked me how I was born and I said God and an angel which is the fucking laziest answer I was born and I said God and an angel which is the fucking laziest answer And she says some angels she goes daddy said I came here because of God and some angel which almost sounds like some whore By the way, yeah, it does sound like some whore. He's a New Yorker. That's what you did the answer You're giving like Birmingham, Alabama. It was an angel. Yeah, pretty close to each other, you know Interesting It was an angel. Yeah, but they're pretty close to each other, you know what I mean? Oh, interesting, interesting. They're kinda close. Like, one is said with a different accent.

You're right. That's such a good insight. It's kinda like Long Island and Jersey are the same thing. Yeah, I mean, anywhere outside of a major city, he's just sitting there in the south. Yeah, he's a repressed Catholic, of course that's what he said, God and some angel. What are you looking up, angels?

God and some angel, it really does feel like some kind. Salakis, you've lost control of the Google here, what are you doing? What is this shit? I was looking for a Mexican in some angel it really does tell you she's lost control some Google here What are you doing? Name angel tattoo all right This fucking mojo. I lost it when I looked up you fixing an electrical box for you Never be a picture. Yeah, it's not come. I can not operate a fuse But he doesn't even know what it is he looks at it it like somebody from the 60s looking at an IBM computer. Wait, is Andy Jewish?

Is Andy not good at fixing shit? He's okay. He's not terrible at it, but I would pick hiring someone for me. Yeah, task rabbit. I would choose to hire someone just so that it doesn't. Can you fix stuff, Mark? I only can because I worked as a porter for years

because I couldn't get a job anywhere else. Wow, I didn't know this shit. So I had to learn everything on the fly. They'd be like, go fix the fuse box. I was like, oh, okay. And I would Google the shit out of it and then I would have to fix it. And then the lights in the skyscraper go, ooh.

Where were you a porter? That's fascinating. At a high rise in Midtown East. Oh shit. I dated a porter. Oh really? Yes, because I was a nanny at this building on the Upper East Side and then like.

And you met the porter? I think I just thought he was flirting with you and he's just helping me to the car. I was like, oh, he's obviously hitting on me, but then I was like, he likes me and I just, and then yeah, I dated him for a little while. Hey. Yeah, Upper East Side.

There you go. 86th and York. Never dated anybody that I met in the wild like that. Really? What? Yeah, I never. Where do you meet people? I have a very unapproachable energy.

It's what I've come to understand. Yeah. There's a hard edge. I'm very unapproachable, even on dates with men that have told me, where I don't know if I'm on a date or not, and I'm like, what's going on? Like, why am I here? Are you trying to sleep with me?

I just need to know if you're trying to. I feel the same way. So that I know how to act. Right. You know what I mean? I say the same thing, I'm like, this dick ain't free. I mean, you gotta fuckin', come on. I just need to know what the deal is, you know? Like, I feel-

Well, the problem is, they go open Wikipedia you, and then see the problem. Oh my God, like I feel well the problem is open Wikipedia you and You have a lot of bad a lot of bad first dates No, I mean Not really like I've had I've had first dates where I'm like, I don't want to see you again But I wouldn't call them like really terrible. How did you meet guys online or like? I would always meet them on apps. Yeah, apps work, they work. But I kind of, I was like, damn, I wish I had met, I mean, I met my husband in the wild, but I didn't.

Yeah, comedy. You know what I mean? It's not really the same. Didn't you meet at Dan's wedding? No, we met before that. I mean, Dan's wedding was when we hit it off. And then I was on the way home from there and I was like, am I, were we just at a wedding

and that's like why I'm feeling like, I couldn't quite figure out if I liked him or not. And then a few, like a week later I was like, I still wanna hang out with him again. And then I was like, oh, that's, I think there's something there. Something that's just going on there, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I remember that wedding, that was fun. It was so fun. And then's just going on there. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I remember that wedding, that was fun. It was so fun. And then he proposed to you, like what did he do when he proposed to you? Well, I had a moment with him where I was like, listen, we should fuck other people because I'm trying to get married again.

I wanna get married. And he was- You said that? Yeah. Cause I was like- That's a shocking thing to say. I know, I was like, cause I didn't think he wanted to get married. Did you mean it? Yeah. I was like, I wanna get married,

I'm looking for a husband. You know, you're a comic, you've been married before, I imagine you're not trying to get married again. So we should probably fuck other people, you know. Whoa, I like that. But it was, I was like, this is, I just couldn't do the, you know, pretending like I didn't care about getting married

and all the fucking- Yeah, good for you. Like bullshit. That's cool. Enough of that. And what did he say to this? He was like, I would think about getting married and all the fucking bullshit. Yeah, good for you. Like bullshit. That's cool. Enough of that. And what'd he say to this? He was like, I would think about getting married again. And he's like, I don't wanna fuck other people.

Wow. And I was like, oh, okay, well, all right. You know, so then I was like, I'll give him words like dating. This is so not romantic. No, it was not romantic at all. It was like. But it's so unromantic that it's kind of romantic.

Yeah. I like it, I think it's good. I like how straightforward it is. I was like. I also assume, it was like but it's so unromantic that it's kind of romantic yeah I like how straightforward it is I was like I told Pete I was like you should probably just drive me out to the woods like some cat you failed to domesticate or something like let me there's this guy I want to meet in the woods he's doing paintings of me I want to see this dude. He's a really talented artist. What do you mean? You want him to get rid of you? What are you talking about? I just thought there's no way this Catholic fireman wants to marry me. I'm like, he should marry some fucking nurse named Gina, like a hairstylist in Jersey.

He's not going to want to settle down. And I also wanted to get married. I'm very monogamous. I always wanted to get married. And so I was just like, don't dick me around here. Like you're gonna waste my time. So I was like, yeah, drive me out. I told him that direct.

I was like driving out to the woods, like some fucking cat you failed to domesticate led me back out in the wild. And I think he said something that was not romantic, but he was just kind of like, no, I don't wanna drive you to the woods. Like he's like, I think we'll keep going. It was like the Vegas non-compliment.

I love it. Keep going. Keep going. Let's just keep going. Yeah. Well, Rachel, it sounds like the Vegas non-compliment. I love it. Just keep going. Keep going. Let's just keep going. Yeah. Well Rachel, it sounds like you need to go with a deer and antelope prey. Check out Nick Offerman's new book

on paperbacks wherever you can find them. I can't wait to have a book just so I can do guides like that. I love that guy. Oh, he's hilarious. He's awesome. He's a fucking man. Now that's a marriage, him and Megan Mulally. Yeah, they're doing it

How long have they been married? Who knows but I bet they have wild rough I love that guy He got hot yeah, he's very attractive and he and he's and he's a cool. Yeah, you can tell they fuck look how they pose Oh, yeah, it's 2003 He's very attractive and he's a cool fucking dude. Yeah, you can tell they fuck. Look how they pose. Oh yeah. Married since 2003. Hey! That's an incredible Hollywood marriage.

Yeah. That's rare. Man, you know I was watching the other night, I just was like, I pulled my fucking back out so bad when I got back on the road and I'm laying down. I was like, I haven't seen Eyes Wide Shut in a while. Just threw it on. That movie was made, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kimmer

are having marital difficulties. And Stanley Kubrick's like, I'm gonna cast them as a couple whoner having marital difficulties and Stanley Kubrick's like I'm gonna cast them as a couple who's having marital difficulty and it's great you're watching them and she has this long monologue about how she wants to fuck this this marine or whatever this like sailor this sailor and Tom Cruise just sits there and takes it and it's just this dark fucking movie yeah it's it's pretty damn I won't say it's like a perfect movie, but it's pretty fucking entertaining. It's very entertaining.

And it bombed. It bombed horribly. I've watched that movie multiple times, and apparently Roger Avery was saying on Rogan, he was like, that movie was supposed to be about like child molestation. What? And they changed it,

because the studio was like, we're not making this. Because he like complained to the studio four days before he died, and then he just died, and they're like, yeah, we'll make this what we want to make it, but it's still pretty fucking good. It's good You ever see this photo? What's that? It's Nicole Kidman Dissociating from the marriage. Yeah, and like you could just tell that he hates that she's smoking. Yeah He's a health nut. I mean apparently wouldn't allow alcohol on Top Gun. He's like no really whoa He wants everyone in tip-top shape you see that Adderall clip that's going around of him

You know what I it bothers me because a lot of people are posting like Tom Cruise was right was he Fuck I took Adderall when I was a kid fucking helped me turn my grades around Me too. I got I was like failing until I started yeah, I don't really it's a classic clip where he's calling that Matt I don't really it's a classic clip where he's calling that Matt Whatever his name from the Today show Lauer Lauer glib and it's like fine You make some fair points, but also like I've done the research. You're a fucking actor, bro I know you I know you're I know you're like probably you commit like crazy to your work so I'm sure he goes hard with this other stuff, but You're not a side

For I found something I agreed with and I stopped looking. You know what I mean? I've done some research, but also it's like, Lauer I thought handled it all right, where he's like, look, I'm not saying I know this, but I'm saying I've seen cases where this works. I'm a case where it worked, you're a case where it worked, maybe you don't fucking know every kid's story.

I mean, I just think it's one of those of those moments where people are like man Tom Cruise called it No, we all just like we just like Tom Cruise a good fucking actor I don't know if he called anything here is this one we was prancing around the couch pretend to like pussy It's a similar air by the way by the way. He's in Scientology What are we fucking talking about they have dirt on him? They've dirt on everybody no one no one has left Scientology and they unscathed in a pleasant situation where they're like yeah, we had a we had an amicable Good run. I was told Richard gear the gear same Richard gear

That was your back, baby Six-week callback Scientology yeah, he was in Scientology left. They're like we're gonna fucking destroy you. That's what I'm Pharmaceutical industry I'll admit they're fucking evil, but like I those drugs helped me when I was a kid and They they develop habits if you use them right and guess what Richard gear this thing didn't hurt you more than Scientology did it It's a little fucking jerk, but I think the problem is. Little fucking adorable gerbil. Mwah. Mwah. That smells like shit.

You just kissed a shit gerbil. You're like, drunken Elon's Toad. One shot and this guy will fucking hell. I've had a couple cat-shot now, come on. But I think his point is, we shouldn't just throw drugs at a kid. You know, like, hey, you should try to solve the problem. I'm not saying he's right or wrong,

but I do hate when these actors go on these tirades. Like when Jim Carrey did the vaccine tirade, you're like, just stick to acting, you quiff. We don't care about your tight teeth. Yeah, when people are like, you know, look. Nathan McIntosh had the funniest thing about Jim Carrey that I do agree with, where he was like, everybody's talking about how Jim Carrey's a fucking whack job and how he's

Like shut up and dick and they're like he's crazy now and he's like Oh, you think he was more sane when he was opening his asshole up and talking with it That's a good thing. He's more sane than he's ever been Great jokes Yeah, great hang to Nathan so funIntosh. Yeah. Great hang too, Nathan's so funny. Good hang. Yeah, he's great. I love, he and I. By the way, if Jim Carrey were in this room right now,

not one of us wouldn't fucking run up and hug him. Of course. We all love, and look, I fucking love Tom Cruise too. I'm just saying, like, people sucking him off for that tirade, it's like, come on. Yeah, all it takes for me is just one compliment from a Nazi, and I'm sitting on his lap. Yeah, sure. Hey, Gerbils, if he called a Nazi and I'm on it sitting on his lap. Yeah

Hey, Gerbils if he called me funny, I'd be like hey this guy's all right This tequila is fucking good. What is this? It's very good. It's smooth as hell. What is that Patron? El alto goddamn that looks like some guys high school cologne a lot of cologne Jamie the bartender we love you for sending a game. Oh, it's delicious. Thank you poppy Thank you for all you do Should we wrap this up? Let's wrap it up plug new special Unbelievable It is Puerto Rico. Should we wrap this up? Let's wrap it up! Plug, plug, new special. Motherlode Netflix! Yeah, Motherlode on Netflix. The special is unbelievable. I'm gonna watch it. Go check it out.

I'm starting behind on shit. My fucking website is like, I just don't even. So much better than mine. It's just all blank. It's still Whiskey Fist. No, the show's, oh shit, I don't know why those are blank. That should be. Mm.

Well, I do my own website, so I'll fix that. Yeah, there it is. That's what I was looking for. Check up her website, we'll get it fixed by the time this is out. That is a different person. Her friends are gonna wheel her to a town near you. Rachel Feinstein, we're gonna be coming,

oh, I love her. Hey, you can see the bottom of Olivia. Who does your website, Rach? I don't know, I can't even remember, honestly. A man in the woods. A guy named Sam that emailed me. If you guys have somebody that does your website, please tell them. But you should not use the Punch Up page now.

Yeah, Punch Up. PunchUp.live slash Rachel Feinstein slash Tickets. Yes, I'm in Nashville this weekend, but this probably won't air by the time. No, yeah, so it starts here on the ninth here. Okay, nevermind, I'm in, I don't know. You're at Vermont Comedy Club, Mubube's Joke House, Comedy Mothership in Austin, Mic Drop Comedy in San Diego,

Mic Drop Comedy in Plano, Texas, and the Arlington Cinema and Draft House. Go see Rachel Feinstein on the road, go to her website for tickets. Hell, and Rachel's got a Netflix special out there as well. Yeah, check out Rachel's hilarious Netflix special. It's called Big Guy. Big Guy.

When is this out? Yeah, the 9th tonight. I'm in Burlington, Vermont. I'm sure I didn't sell that out. Maybe I will. It's a big venue. Montreal, Toronto, Buffalo, Albany, Columbus, Royal Oak, Grand Rapids, Milwaukee, Madison, Des Moines, Iowa, St. Louis, Missouri, can't wait, Kansas City, a lot of barbecue on this trip, Minneapolis, Phoenix, couple nights in Phoenix, then we got San Diego, Sacramento, SF, the Masonic, I can't wait, added a late show in Portland on a Monday, so you better fucking help me out, Seattle, the Moore Theater, my favorite theater, added a late show in in Vancouver Boise, Idaho, Salt Lake

We got and then we got Denver, Colorado at the Paramount. I can't wait com slash shows go follow us on punch up Chicago Put it on punch up Reno, Nevada two shows Nashville at the Ryman Napa Santa Barbara, Asheville Bristol New Brunswick Rhyme in Napa, Santa Barbara, Hatchville, Bristol, New Brunswick, I think, uh, Reykjavik, we're going to the UK, folks, come on out, Glasgow, Birmingham, Bristol, London, you name it, Rochester, Portchester, Albany, all the toothless towns, Wausau, Green Bay, oh, Eugene, San Jose, I got invited to the Nike store in, uh, in, uh- It's overrated.

Oh, really? I just went to Eugene. It's overrated. Okay. It just want the Eugene It's overrated It's a really good product there Okay It's not as good as they bill it up like it's gonna be something amazing. It's fine. Hey, it's free shit. I'll take it It's not free What? It's discounted

I'm not going You can get free shit Fuck it. We're canceling the whole gig Cancel it Las Vegas, Akron, Dayton Oh, we're in September. This is crazy. I'll be dead by then. We'll see you all in hell. Pray for me Can I say, can I say, can I say my-

Let's get some dates from Rose buds I just want to look them up So you want to see Rose buds on the road? Sorry, just kill time for a second while I look We'll kill time for a second For all you soldiers and for all you soldiers out there at sea We're thinking about all you all We got Bodega Cat Whiskey, bodegacatwhiskey.com

We're at a lot of new places right now We're crushing There's Jodie Foster on drugs Jodie Foster and the accused. And uh. Damn it, I don't know where they are. All right, you know what, I won't do this to people. But it will be on my website.

Rosebud special is called Mother Load. You gotta, it's amazing. Yes, just watch the special. Watch Mother Load. And then go to my website. And we love you all, thank you for listening. Watch Rachel and Rosebud stuff, we love them both. Hell yeah.

I was pumped for this episode and it did not disappoint. Killer app. Love it what a great hack. And send Rachel paintings and nudes and send and get Rosebud to sign your book of dead people. We love you. See you next week guys. Thanks. Bye guys. That was so loud. The job's coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true