We Might Be Drunk - Ep 223: The Cold Open with Phil Hanley

Starting point is 00:00:00 Oh You guys join me dude Oh god! I can't fit! Get down! We got a 69 Come back! The ball sack! The sack! Broke back cold plunge! Ah f***ing cramping!

Starting point is 00:00:38 Get down here! My c-section's gone! Ah! What's the timer? 40 seconds! My c-section's gone! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ This is freezing. Alright, do the lime ring. What's the line? Get a cold punch. Does that make you live longer? The line is, I didn't know Mark was this big a gaping hole. Here he is. The cold, I can't do the cold.

Starting point is 00:01:14 The cold punch is great. It's like 48, it's not even that bad, dude. I feel like Matthew Perry. I feel like Whitney Houston. I'm dying in here. This is crazy. Give me some ketamine. Mark, come on. This is nothing. My legs. 10 more seconds? Yep.

Starting point is 00:01:30 What? You can do it. I mean this isn't bad. My legs, they don't work. I'm like osteoporastorias. I expected better from Mark. There's no room. It's like my first apartment. So were you going after me? Sure. Really?

Starting point is 00:01:45 Wow, we got the video. I look like I have trauma from Katrina. I can't be without water. Alright, good. You gotta get the dunk at the end. I'm going under, bro. Get the dunk. Dunkin' Donuts.

Starting point is 00:02:03 Oh wow, what an animal. Oh I mean I just had one I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit. We're rolling Wait, where's those coffees? Oh, I thought we said we're not doing coffees. Oh, I thought you already bought them Oh I thought it was either or. Ah, I feel like the caffeine or the booze. I'm not a big mix the booze Oh my the Rizzler. This is this is tough because we had a guest cancel on us today This is my peeve. I wrote to this person They said you never confirmed so then I pull up a screenshot. I hate being, I hate doing the screenshot. I love it. But I did it.

Starting point is 00:02:47 Pull it up. And it said, this date, yep, I'm in. And I wrote, confirmed. Oh! What did they write right before that? You never confirmed. Didn't they write? Hey Harry, you never called.

Starting point is 00:03:00 Did they write, let me know when it's confirmed? And then you wrote, confirmed. Yes. Okay. No, I didn't say let me know when it's confirmed, and then you wrote confirmed? Yes. Okay. No, I didn't say let me know when it's confirmed. They said this date, I'm in, and I wrote confirmed. That's a confirm. That's a confirm. You can't confirm more than confirmed.

Starting point is 00:03:17 And then, and then said, okay, I'm sorry, but it's a peeve. Of course. Mark and I aren't here a lot. It's hard to schedule these. Well, how long ago was that? How long ago before this? It was a few weeks ago. All right, all right.

Starting point is 00:03:29 It was, and this person said there should have been a confirmation after the confirmation. So right before the thing, we still on. But it's like, for me, it's like, no, it's in the calendar, it's confirmed. That's a confirmed. I mean, this is a Larry David moment. It is a Larry David moment.

Starting point is 00:03:43 Completely. But I think I'm in the right. You're completely in the right. You wrote confirmed. That's up to her to put in the calendar. We can't hold your hand for every date you have. You were at an appointment. How'd you... Was that confirmed every day till the day of? No! You write it down! But then here's the question.

Starting point is 00:03:57 Are we, like, a dental office? Oh. Because they do write their confirmation the day before, and I'm going against myself. But it annoys me when you make a restaurant reservation on like Rezzy or OpenTable and they're like, are you still in? Press 1 to confirm. I'm like, oh fuck, you had to scramble to press 1.

Starting point is 00:04:14 Yeah. You're in. But I'm like, I said I was in a day ago. Right, right. And now- But they do it now. On Rezzy, if you don't show up, they charge you 50 bucks. I get it. You're holding a table It's like a weekend, and it's a I think that there's that's fair, but you know

Starting point is 00:04:30 Yeah, we're not a dental office. We're not a dad No, but I think yeah, you can only do so much you're an adult You got to put your shit in the date book got to put in the date book Yes, a planner get yourself a palm pilot sister a palm pilot remember a dope wars dope war that was a game on a palm pilot oh no you want to grab your dad's palm pilot and then you'd be like let me download this and it's just a game where you sell drugs it's like the sims for bad kids right right I never. I never knew Dope War. That's a dark game for a palm pilot. Like what's acid going for in Harlem?

Starting point is 00:05:10 I'm in like fifth grade. My mom had a palm pilot. That was a hot ticket item. She was like Elon Musk walking around with that thing in the 90s. It was like pre-Blackberry. Right, right. Can I remember Blackberrys? Of course, the ball, the wheel. it was like the little golden tea on there It was pretty cool. The little clit. I like that clip. He loved it. I could find it

Starting point is 00:05:30 It's nice that one you could see yeah that clip actually did something no hood on it The hood the clitoral hood you learn a lot as you get older They never tell you about the hood when you're a kid. Never David Tell? Ah, the clit under a hood like a little racist. By the way, is the cues on mic? Because I read 78 comments about it. I love it, I got a producer, a Google bitch over there is talking a mile a minute and we can't even hear what he's saying.

Starting point is 00:06:00 Really? Yeah, so get the guy a little, as much as I hate to say it get this man a microphone alright Well, I'm gonna take advantage. We need a scoop for this too for the ice I sent this writer. Oh my burps are not as good as yours. I was solid. It was a bad burp. Sorry What were you saying? I found a Frank Sinatra writer from the 50s or 60s. You sent me this It's this is extensive. Oh, this makes me feel like not a diva. Oh boy What what year? Based on the color TV I would guess early 60s early 60s

Starting point is 00:06:31 Okay, you want to read these mark and you read them color TV We got to move these upright piano for the dressing room private telephone with dedicated line one bottle each of vodka gin Jack white wine Shavas regal red wine and cavazia thank you that is a lot that's a lot I mean upright piano what a psycho I love number 11 which was to tuna sandwiches crossed out to be two ham sandwiches interesting I might have overpoured here, interesting

Starting point is 00:07:09 that well it's you know afternoon, That's the worst part if you have to pick them apart Yeah, 12 boxes of Ludens cough drops jeez one bag of mini tootsie rolls a bowl of pretzels and chips Salt and pepper tea bags honey lemon lime sugar. It is funny that he's like a tough guy who's like smacking women around He's like don't forget my tootsie rolls. Yeah Right check out number 35 and like this one 35. We're on a carton of camels Yeah, no filter this should be a show seeing though the pimple-faced nerd going out to get all this the intern who's like Frank Sinatra's like a grocery games, but if you don't deliver you get fucking beat up by the mob yeah You get hit with a whiskey glass Six and writer mine yeah napkin I got I got the bodega cat whiskey in there gotta have that I got a

Starting point is 00:08:02 I got the bodega cat whiskey in there. Gotta have that. I got a fruit plate. Get some... This was when I was doing clubs hard. A fruit plate and a veggie plate. Cause you just get some healthy food. You get some hummus. I do the same.

Starting point is 00:08:14 And then I got some nuts. I used to have some fucking Natty wine in there. Just cause you get hangover free. Yeah, it's natural. It's nice. I'm trying to think what else. Oh, I got the Vixens from Manhattan. So I got vermouth nice I got uh the the cherries and I got the man. This might be a photo finish I might have made this this is a classy rider. You got here. You're like

Starting point is 00:08:38 Martin all I have is a veggie plate almonds bodega cat. That's it? That's it. That's a fucking boring rider. Yeah. You would have been a better rider when you were opening for Schumer. You had like beef jerky in there. Well, she was foot in the bill and I didn't feel as guilty when it's me. They're gonna go talk shit later. But with her, they talked about her.

Starting point is 00:08:59 So I was okay with that. Look at that. Making a cocktail in a robe in the middle of the day in Manhattan now that's living baby We're doing all right. Yeah You gotta up that rider game I'm not going crazy, but yeah a lot of it's honestly a lot of it's got pushed up because of eater When you're in the theater, you know you kind of order dinner and stuff in the club

Starting point is 00:09:18 It used to be hard back in the day couldn't get a healthy fucking I don't want to have wings for you eat that for years on the road and a certain point You're like I don't want to eat this shit. Can I give you one from Stavis right? Please stop roasted chickens to to you know they say those are bad for you. No what no because Look it up, but it's like in the bed. It's in a plastic bag. There's all these reasons. It's not good for you Look, I don't I didn't retain any of these I just see an Instagram video, and I'm like and then I looked it up and then I was like I don't remember I get one every time I go and I pop that iron dome right off there and

Starting point is 00:09:51 that you know it's annoying this is my peeve those fucking tampon strings on the road to story that are tying everything up you try to get a good pull of a chicken leg and it's it's lynched up with a twine. I hate that twine. I do love a good rotisserie chicken too. Oh, you don't? Oh, no, go ahead. Well, the pro move, you take that thing, you flip it over, and you eat the bottom first.

Starting point is 00:10:16 The bottom's where all the flavor is. You eat ass? Yes, I'm eating chicken, poultry, pussy. Remember when every Open Mic comic had a bit about eating ass? Oh, that was huge. Every comic they'd be like, I eat ass. And you'd be like, I don't want to know that. I don't give a shit.

Starting point is 00:10:33 I don't want to say this because I'm sure 900 comics are going to hear it and go, fuck, I have that bit. When I heard this bit, you don't do coke, but you eat ass. You don't drink Coca-Cola, but you eat ass. Everything was, you don't do this, but you eat ass? You don't drink Coca-Cola, but you eat ass? Everything was, you don't do this, but you eat ass. 800 comics had that formula. But it would probably kill every time. It crushed, it crushed.

Starting point is 00:10:54 Yeah, that's why they did it. I don't eat gluten, but you eat ass? You know, in retrospect, not a bad point though. No, it's a great point. The first version who wrote it had something and then every other comic There you go. I can't remember who it was but they're talking about like That's a perfect-looking Boulevardier That's what I'm doing this because we have Phil Hanley coming in

Starting point is 00:11:13 He's a big Negroni guy said he didn't want to drink we heard through his reps I guess but then I text him and he said no I'll have a drink and he's a big Negroni guy Boulevardier is just whiskey in place of Negroni. It's whiskey, sweet vermouth, and Campari equal parts. So it's a good cocktail. I would put it over Negroni for my personal taste. Wow! My personal taste! Because of the bodega cat, that's why.

Starting point is 00:11:33 Yeah! What do you got, Sally? Oh, I was going to say that Phil has people. Yeah. Yeah. We all have people. What do you mean? I don't know. He knows you really well. Why would he have to have people to get him on the show?

Starting point is 00:11:45 That's true. Because, you know, we're busy and Peters was dealing with him. I don't know. Yeah, but they don't seem like they're in sync, these Phil people and Phil. Are they ever in sync? I feel like whoever's repping us always makes us sound more difficult than we are.

Starting point is 00:11:57 That's true. That's true. But you need that. Yeah. You know, because we don't want to be the bad guy. Yeah, you don't want to be a bad guy. But also, we're not bad. I we're I'm pretty easy usually same same my rider you heard it you're easier than me I got a crew I got a lot I got a few

Starting point is 00:12:14 people with me they all want to they all want to picket stuff you know right right that's true well that's nice of you I got coffee in there too actually coffee's big you used to not drink coffee. That's true, 33 I made it, till 33. It's fucking insane. No coffee. I was drinking coffee in like seventh grade. Wow. Man, I pictured you with a black coffee,

Starting point is 00:12:32 those New York blue cups with the Greek on them. I got those like glasses at home. Really? I love those things. Oh, that's cool. Pull those up, those ceramic-y, not ceramic, but they're like Paper, that's it. I love the New York the net cup. I love those. Yeah, I got those at home, man Are those still around?

Starting point is 00:12:53 Watch the whole tick-tock about it. They went out and then a company brought him back in 2015 Hell, yeah, there's a spot in the East Village called a brocco and they serve that's like really really good coffee And they they serve him out of there and it's one of those places I think they serve them out of there. And it's one of those places, I think it's Big Nable when it opened, it was one of those like, you know, curly haired Italian guys, old guy with great curly gray hair. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:16 And he would just open when he felt like it, which was so annoying, because you're like, I want a coffee. But he'd be like, yeah, I feel like we're going from like 12 to three today. And it'd be like, okay, but I don't know when you're gonna, we don't know when, but he didn't give a shit and it worked. Damn.

Starting point is 00:13:27 Not caring works. I know. It's so true. Every guy who didn't care gets laid. It's true. You know, and then every guy's like, what does she like? He's getting nothing. He's dry as a bone. The twiddling of the fingers doesn't help either.

Starting point is 00:13:39 Come on. Come on. Tell me about her pussy. There's a dumpling place in Chinatown, four dumplings for a dollar, but they'll just close when they run out. So they'll just run out. Four for a dollar? Oh, yeah, best deal in town. That's incredible. What were they pork? What are we talking? Pork, yeah, and there's a line out the door every single time.

Starting point is 00:13:57 Even the biggest vegetarian will kind of clamp up in the city when there's a deal. Oh, yeah. How about that, uh, the frog legs in the window, like the, you pass those windows, you see the ducks. It is a little, it is aggressive. Oh, the skin ducks, the red. Yeah. That's true.

Starting point is 00:14:14 You walk through Chinatown, you're like, it's a, it's a culture clash. Oh yeah. It's like Chinatown is eating little, littley alive by the way. You seeing this? Yeah. Little Italy used to be here and then Chinatown was here and now Chinatown is slowly the Chinese they're better than everything they just they're killing the WAP they're eating them alive and then they're hungry again 30 minutes later yeah I mean I think Chinatown is just

Starting point is 00:14:39 morphing little Italy used to go all the way up to Houston what's the significant oh the movie China town? Nicely done. I'm a dumbass China town Jake, but uh yeah look at those I mean it looks delicious, so another bit of the P King got it fucking good love is the skin oh You know what I love it. Those uh bow those little white fluffy bread the dumpling things, no, no. It's like a fluffy bread that you clamp onto a meat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Got like a bow. I think it's bow. B-O-I, maybe?

Starting point is 00:15:12 A bow bun, I think it's called. Bow bun. B-A-O. Oh, I love a bow bun. Look at that thing. Yes! It's like a puffy pussy. It does. Look at that. We should stop saying taco. We should still cornered a bow bun. Yeah I mean tacos not a great. That's no woman was pink nice taco

Starting point is 00:15:36 Good taco you know my lady calls it the dolphin smile wow why? She's got a real. Oh no zipped up Organized tight clam really don't give me a just a dolphin there it is that's it on the on the left so she says she has a great vagina yes it's tight and it's sealed up it's not all wacky like a like a sale at a car lot that fucking inflatable thing you see you hear guys brag about their dick but you rarely hear women say I got a great pussy she She's very into her vagina. Yeah. As am I. You should be. I guess so, yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:07 Yeah, I would suck if you're like, her pussy stinks. And what's fun about her vagina is I've seen it more than she has. Really? Well, yeah, because a woman can't get down there. I guess, I don't know why I said really. That makes more sense. Yeah, I've seen it a million times. And she's seen it maybe twice, three.

Starting point is 00:16:21 A good vagina is so important. I've definitely like, you have those one night stands where you just, you have a real bad one. Oh yeah. What's a bad one? Not- Flappy, floppy. Not sanitary either.

Starting point is 00:16:32 Like it was a bad smell once and I was like, I was too embarrassed to say anything so I just ate it. It's like sending the food back, but the rest, but the chef would be really offended. Right. You can't do it. Yeah. Can't do it. Sucked it sucked but yeah you're face to face with that thing so you want it to be somewhat you know attractive you're definitely a

Starting point is 00:16:51 there's definitely a moment when you're down there and you're like feel yes for sure how do you would you stand on Harry muff I don't mind like I worked a hard day Don Draper five o'clock because I put a cigarette in it but I don't mind, I worked a hard day, Don Draper, five o'clock. Sometimes I'll put a cigarette in it. But I don't love the full bush. Full bush, it feels aggressive. Yeah. It's like, I could have guessed you were for a woman's right to choose, you didn't need to rub it in.

Starting point is 00:17:16 Right, right, yeah. I mean, if your vagina looks like the top of my head, I'm out. Yeah, if it looks like Tommy Chong's hair. We got a problem. Yeah, but it looks like Tommy Chong's hair, we got a problem. Yeah, but I don't mind a little stubble. I like a little stubble or a little fluff on the top, like a little Hitler on top.

Starting point is 00:17:31 I'm cool with that. Yeah. How about armpit hair? Where do you stand on that? Yeah, I know I'm an asshole, but I just don't like it. I can't do it. See, women are allowed to not like things. Like my wife would be like, ponytail on a guy, fuck that.

Starting point is 00:17:44 If I ever met a guy with a ponytail, I'd kick him down the stairs. But I feel like if a guy goes, hey, our pretty hair is fucking gross. Everybody's like, you're an asshole. Oh, and I'm aware of my body hair as a situation. I know it's bad. But you're all male.

Starting point is 00:17:57 Eh, but see, that's the problem. Right. Is we're like, I don't like this. And I'm like, but I just, I got some hair up here. I got the Captain America fucking shoulder hair. Oh, wow, damn. You know, it's not great. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:11 But yeah, the armpit hair is tough. But she's like, if I see a guy with jewelry, if I see a guy with a ponytail, if I see a guy with like, I don't know, too tight of a jean, she's out. A lot of actors do the ponytail. Yeah. You see like Leo do it for a while, Orlando Bloom. I feel like some of those guys were just getting so much

Starting point is 00:18:27 pussy they were just like let me let me do a heat check. Right. Let me see if I'm still getting ass with this ponytail and they do. They clean up. And they're like fuck it I'll cut it. Yeah the man bun. Every guy who gets a man bun women make fun of them but that guy gets tons of gash. Yeah and you know they could probably play guitar Yeah, and maybe surf or woodworking look at the all hot guys man bun man bun man bun Steven Seagal Steven Seagal is one hot dude Man Seagal movies are just they're not good No, but they're like so bad. They're fun pull up pull up like a classic one He I would say he's the original Andrew Tate because he he's like, I'm the shit, I'm awesome,

Starting point is 00:19:06 everybody wants to be me, I can kick anyone's ass, I'm the coolest guy. He has zero humility, this guy. And eventually had to leave America. Yeah. But Tate is back, they say, right? Oh, is that right? That's what they're saying.

Starting point is 00:19:17 Well, there you go, we'll get him on here. Do you watch the Oscars? I did watch them. I did too. I thought Conan was unbelievable. Conan's always the best. He's just the best. He's just the best. He's a great guy.

Starting point is 00:19:26 That Drake halftime joke was so good. So good and I love the Lithgow thing. I love the little shoe where you're like, no one else would do this but Conan. And the worm from Dune. And he goes, this is the showbiz thing. You spend that kind of money, you got to use it twice. I love that.

Starting point is 00:19:42 I love Conan. Me too. Yeah, he's the best. I thought it was fun. I felt like it wasn't as Weafy as the rest of them until Adrian Brody spoke. I didn't make it that oh my god Longest acceptance speech ever like five minutes. It was almost as long as the brutalist. It was that fucking up Well, I'm gonna really good tweet. What was it? Oh, I don't remember, but it was something along the yeah It needs an intermission or something. Yeah No, we're gonna really good tweet. What was it? Oh, I don't remember but it was something along the yeah It needs an intermission or something. Yeah No, but he uh Yeah, he there's it was like everything people hate about actors

Starting point is 00:20:12 Yeah, it's what he did in this speech it didn't he didn't say anything, but he just was like I'm gonna keep going Ah, it's like it reminds you like you're really good Yeah, when you have a script right right When you're writing it, there's a reason there isn't any screenplay by Adrian Brody things out there. Yeah, but Shalamu. He should've won, I think. He was upset, you could tell.

Starting point is 00:20:33 He was visibly upset, yeah. This is the same thing with Demi Moore, but I thought, I thought Shalamay should've won the Oscar. I thought he was awesome. Somebody had a good tweet, Demi Moore lost to a hotter, younger woman, and they're like, this is the plot of substance. There's a substance, did you see the substance? I have not. I thought he was awesome. Somebody had a good tweet, did me more lost to a hotter younger woman? And they're like, this is the plot.

Starting point is 00:20:46 This is the substance. Did you see the substance? I have not. I'm going off you. You heard my story. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of fucked up, right? Oh, look at Kylie.

Starting point is 00:20:54 Man, she is like a cartoon woman. Yeah. Huge cans, nice face, big hips, small waist. That's like the Kardashian way. Yeah, but how do you go from, what is it, Travis Scott? Was that who she was with? The blackest man on the planet to this little twink dressed as Curious George. I think sometimes you over-correct.

Starting point is 00:21:13 Ah, yes. I remember Jim Jeffries had a bit about he dated a girl whose ex was Michael Phelps and he's like, can you imagine fucking the greatest athlete in the world and then me? Ha ha ha ha ha me. So true. Overcorrect. I think you got something there because we all do it. I think. Oh, I think it also been pretty consistent. I think I'm all over the map, honestly.

Starting point is 00:21:34 I think you also when something goes wrong, you're like, look, as you get older, I think you get better at this and you kind of like, I'm going to rule this out. I'm going to rule that out. Yeah. But then when you I think she's still young. I think you're kind of like, I'm gonna rule this out, I'm gonna rule that out, you know? But then when you, I think she's still young, I think you're kind of like, this was an extreme choice. I'm going the other way. And he is maybe one of the hotter actors in show business right now, so it's,

Starting point is 00:21:55 no matter what he looks like, you're still dating one of the, he's like the Leo of our time, you know? He's crushing it. Crushing it, and he's good, he's down to it. Do you like that movie? I liked it, I thought it was okay and I talked to him. And he, you know you ever have that where you see a movie and you're like, eh, that's pretty good.

Starting point is 00:22:10 Then you talk somebody, you're like, oh, maybe it was great. Oh, you thought it was great? Yeah, yeah, I had some analysis for Mark. What's your analysis? It's just that he was involved in like two different love triangles. One with two men and one with two women and

Starting point is 00:22:26 the stories paralleled each other I was telling him how great the writing was mmm what do you think uh I thought some of the dialogue was not great but like great director love James Mangold yeah it looked so beautiful and he was incredible man yeah and the woman who played Joan Baez was amazing. I've never seen her in anything Monica She was great. Oh, yeah Dude, he nailed it. It's one of those things. We were like oh, yeah, I love Bob Dylan songs me too He's watching a biopic and even if they're bad you're like like people hate the Queen one But just watching Rami Malek do Bohemian Rhapsody all these songs you're kind of like it's kind of cool that

Starting point is 00:23:04 Live-aid scene was unbelievable. The fact that they recreated that so perfectly, it was incredible. It's like I'll watch someone do bad karaoke. So when you see someone fucking crush it with like high production value, there's worse ways to spend your time. I saw the Elton John movie,

Starting point is 00:23:19 I thought that guy was pretty incredible. That guy was great, Rocketman. I mean, it is usually, at least this wasn't like the totally traditional storyline that they all follow. It was like, okay, it was unique. It was like about being a folk artist versus being, you know, doing whatever you want to do. I think it's a little weird to go in electric thing because it's like, he had everything and this is like kind of all they had. And he's like, I'm going to fucking do what I want to do hmm and and I also get the other part of me It's like that's rock and roll man. Yeah, I'm gonna do what you want

Starting point is 00:23:50 So I kind of go back and forth where it's like we didn't have to do this there You just did it to kind of be a dick right but also like getting You get to this level because you do whatever the fuck you want right and that's I don't know I get you What do you think of that? I felt the same way when I went from a toothbrush to an oral B I went from acoustic to okay, but remember David Tell's joke because uh what do you like ma'am a vibrator? She goes I go fingers it goes mmm acoustic But yeah, I thought it was good felt with the vacu glide I was like I'm still good jerking off of my did you fuck the? Vacu glide Matt. Oh, that's a yes

Starting point is 00:24:30 Well then what happened to it What we thought you were gonna take it give it to Hanley we had to give it to someone I mean, yeah, so For those of you who don't know the vacu glide is a $1,000 dick sucking. Is it a thousand bucks? It's a thousand bucks. And, yeah, I know. And Mark and I, to protect our friendship since they only sent one, we decided to neither take it. Yeah, I mean, for a thousand bucks you could get ten hookers.

Starting point is 00:25:00 Ten hookers? Where are you getting hookers? Wait a minute. How much is a hooker these days? A hundred bucks for a hooker? What is this, 1922? Go down to AC, get a couple of skeevy, pockmark, weirdos. Yeah, you don't need to play my shit. No, but you know, VacuGlide, so That was a good bet.

Starting point is 00:25:18 So we, I thought we gave it to you because someone could enjoy the greatest blowjob ever. You'll fuck it tonight and report back full review. Let us live vicariously Remember at the end of Ebert's life when he was missing his jaw and he and people were like Yeah, I feel bad Eden in front of you and he's like no eat for me. Fuck this thing for us Report back. How did he was that from dick sucking? How'd he hurt his jaw? Sorry that was too far But you didn't there might feel as good as a vacuum glass. No no bones anymore look at those lips He'd see a dick come out the side I think oh no that was a tough tough poor guy great doc great writer, too

Starting point is 00:26:05 Yeah, he was anytime. I watch an old movie if he has a review on it I'll read it after the movie because he's so good the same thing cuz he'll say shit that you don't realize You that you feel yeah, well you articulated that in a way I never like maybe I would have someday figured that out, but like he's so good at breaking down Yeah, he was a little harsh at times do this some stuff. We're like oh easy bird. You don't have to say that I disagree with him a lot on comedies. Yes, that's kind of where I'm kind of like man He could trash a comedy be like nah. I think it's funny, but then so much you it like he loved booty call He'd occasionally like when we'd be like damn. I didn't see that coming. That's hilarious

Starting point is 00:26:40 Yeah, there you go. There you go. Yeah the wife and pull up that remember that scene in booty call This is like 90s comedy where you could get away with shit that like they just don't do anymore The two deli guys you got to lick it before you say This would never you got to love the 90s or just doing insane shit like this well boy did they You got to skip it a little. As soon as these shoes do, I'm gonna go get some groceries and stuff. You want some bread and some eggs? Yeah, a little further. What the fuck is this?

Starting point is 00:27:12 I don't remember this part. When you realize this movie had an insane budget too. Yeah, this is a big budget picture. This definitely isn't it. It must be way before this. I bet this clean, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty,

Starting point is 00:27:20 dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, when you realize this movie had an insane budget too yeah this is a big budget picture this definitely isn't it it must be way before this i bet this cleaned up at the box office god jamey fox has been around a while huh

Starting point is 00:27:33 oh yeah living color they were on together those two speaking of no it's this isn't it it's another one whatever speaking of overcorrection katey holmes was dating tom cruise and then went to jamey fox talk about ultimate correct. That's crazy. Color correct. But yeah, yeah, she, I watched her make out with him at the backstage of Jimmy Fallon. You watched it?

Starting point is 00:27:54 Yeah. Did he tape it? I drew it, I taped it, I filmed it, I audio recorded and I tried to join in. That is definitely a white guy on the right there isn't it that's a Jewish guy for sure Someone wrote that in the script yeah and they had to audition for that you got to lick it, no no go browner go more ethnic

Starting point is 00:28:32 the 90's were a good time they were great hey what's up dude, how are you sit down sit down we figured for you cause you're a Negroni guy we made boulevardier don't mind the ropes Don't ask we did a cold plunge because I said when I got in here. I was like do I have to sit beside Norman?

Starting point is 00:28:57 And he goes yeah, they need a cold plunge. Do you have a cold plunge in the studio? Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, put that front and center. It's a sponsor. So oh really yeah, I got to show some love Wow. Thank you How what do you do that every episode? No, he has one at the house that he does it every morning. I don't do it every day I I had a cheap one. I got rid of it and I got one for like 500 bucks, and I was like I use it for a while It was good. Yeah, but then the winter comes and I got a cheap one, and it was so cold this winter It just turned into like a block of ice Let go on the road and forget about it, and I'd come home, I'd be like,

Starting point is 00:29:25 how the fuck do I get rid of this? Right. So I just waited till a day it got warm and melted, I tossed it, but they sent us a few of these, so... Wow. This is a good one. How... It's just such an unpleasant experience. It's brutal. I couldn't do it.

Starting point is 00:29:39 He couldn't even get in. He's a fucking baby. I got up to here and I squealed like a pig. Yeah. I tried to pull him in. Yeah. What? So, do you do them? No. Oh, really a pig. Yeah. I tried to pull him in. Yeah. So do you do them? No. Oh really?

Starting point is 00:29:49 No, no, I'm gonna try. I'm gonna really go for it. Cause they wake you up. They're great for the body. I like waking up to it. Do you feel great afterwards? Yeah, you feel amazing. Really?

Starting point is 00:29:56 I would like listen to my girlfriend's stories. It was crazy. I'd be connected. How long do you feel good for? It gives you a boost. You feel more focused. For someone who has bad ADD It would make me pay attention. So his voice

Starting point is 00:30:15 Got copies and you guys are on the list I'm waiting. Oh really it's gonna arrive. Okay No, I love it dude, I love the but it's I get that it's uh, you sound like a douche It's like I remember I was on Legion of skanks once and Lewis was like the two Dushiest thing a person could do is cold plunge and get an IV drip. I'm like them both this week I like how they're telling us what's douchey I've got a black baby with like a swastika on its forehead like hey, cold plunge is horrible I'm like, yeah, can you clip that out of the clips you post with me? Yeah, exactly.

Starting point is 00:30:47 IV drip is great. I've only done it once. Love IV drip. Can I put my coat somewhere? Throw it anywhere. Throw it on the big barrel. Put it in the plunge. Yeah, there you go.

Starting point is 00:30:56 Is that on screen? Does that look bad? All right. You're fine. Sweet. Oh my God, it's great to see you guys. I feel like I never get to see you anymore. Yeah, we're all pretty busy. We're running around. I got a kid. He's uh on a bus. Yeah, how's the bus good?

Starting point is 00:31:11 Throwing on some movies. Yeah fun. How's the road? How you like it? It's good. It's been great I don't I just fly everywhere, but uh same. Yeah, I don't like the bus I I think you'd have to be really selective. I think Sam's got a good crew. Great crew. Yeah. Veeder. Can't go wrong with Veeder. He fits in the overhead. He doesn't talk. Yeah. Yeah. It's cheap on flights. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:34 What? And how's the kid? You know, he's in the cold plunge right now. He's belly up. But I got a lot of kid material. Really? I don't want to be the dad comic so I'm making it Their dark twisted joke with the kid people really I get the whole rock thing people like open up to you when I say I have a kid they're like oh this guy's a kid I got here that rock said that to me once he was like He's like you gotta have a kid to grow with your audience because all the old guys who don't have kids are weird

Starting point is 00:32:03 Oh, I think that's true. I don't want to name names. Yeah, yeah. But I said, I said, how about Quinn? He goes, one exception. He goes, that's one exception. Yeah, but Quinn is so tuned in to everything that. And he's so empathetic and warm already. Yeah. You know, other comics, we're not going to name names, but they get a little cold and stiff over the years.

Starting point is 00:32:21 I remember coming home and I was getting, I was in Philly and I was taking the train home after a gig, like it was like one show at the Punchline or whatever, and I met a comic who is single, doesn't have a kid, definitely will never have a kid. And I was like, and I was going home to an unhappy relationship and he was going by himself and I was like, fuck, you gotta, you can't, he's like a comic, comic, comic, and I'm like, you gotta introduce

Starting point is 00:32:46 some normality to this weird life. Right? And it just, it shakes it up, because we could do the same, we could do the same thing for the rest of our lives, routinely. Road, roves. Well how often do you feel, you're on the road so hard right now,

Starting point is 00:32:57 you're on the road so hard right now, it's like, so easy to just be like, here's another fucking airport joke. Yeah. Yeah, it's easy. I finally have airport jokes. I have two. But I bought it for two decades but you can't you spend so much time there you shit happens I know I don't subscribe to that whole like hey you can't do this topic into that if it's funny it's funny yeah

Starting point is 00:33:15 Louie has amazing airplane jokes yep so just do it if it's funny this is an airplane but it's the it does take place in an airport. That's fine. It happens Yeah, the opener my last special was like missing a connect flight And it was it was more about like just how I dealt with it. Yeah, baby. It wasn't great Oh, thanks, man, but that Joe I was thinking that that particular joke I think of now cuz I'm trying to I haven't been writing the way I should cuz I'm working on a fucking book for eight Years yeah I can't imagine like how much creative energy have to put in that and then trying to write stand-ups, right?

Starting point is 00:33:47 And then now, and then after this, I have to do the audio book. Oh. I can't read. You're gonna be slurring. I know. I'm wondering. How do you do an audio book when you... Because the book's about being dyslexic.

Starting point is 00:33:58 Yeah, it's about being dyslexic. Salacuse was there, part of it. Did your agents laugh when you said you wanted to do the audio? Yeah, they didn't want me to, my manager wasn't like over the moon about it. Cause it, most people do it in a couple days. And it took me 64 hours. I have one more session I have to do today and then I have a pickup session. But uh, it was like, I would, cause I can't read, like I can read in my head,

Starting point is 00:34:22 but out loud it was like like I'd have to be like Like I was like okay. You can fucking do this like right pepping my like getting off fuck man. It was crazy It's like rocky, but for a paragraph. Yeah Yeah, yeah, it was yeah, it was fucking rough, but I'm almost done But I thought it was important because otherwise it's like the whole book is like kind of about like you know overcoming You know diverse or diversity Three white guys guys did it overcoming adversity and stuff like that So it felt weird not to do the audiobook, but god damn it was brutal But that's a great pitch the fact you can't fucking read or spell. I mean, yeah, I'm texting with you

Starting point is 00:35:03 It's crazy shit. You said yeah, you said it seemed like a mean we've texted with you, it's crazy shit. You said, yeah, you said it seemed like a ransom note. Yes, yes, it's all over the place. And I'm like deciphering words, like, oh, he meant adversity, not diversity, you know? So you learned to speak Phil. Yeah, so it was fucking, yeah, it was something. But I'm almost done, I got one more so I can only have one drink. Alright, alright.

Starting point is 00:35:23 It's stiff, it's a stiff one. But yeah, man. You's a stiff one, but uh Yeah, man you get paid on the audiobook too, so you got to do it. Yeah, it's not It's you don't get yeah, and you get paid, but it's not like 64 hours worth of fucking Most but it's cool that you're doing it. Yeah a lot of people listen. I listen a lot of books on tape Yeah, and if you know if the committee I listen to Cigurus book on tape, and it was way funnier because he read it Yeah, oh interesting yeah, that was the thing, I listened to Sagarra's book on tape and it was way funnier because he read it. Yeah. Oh, interesting.

Starting point is 00:35:46 Yeah, that was the thing, because I have jokes. I mean, there's like, in the book there are jokes and then there's also like, you know, kind of dark shit. But I was like, someone's gonna fuck these jokes. Some actor is gonna fuck these jokes. It's gonna drive me crazy. Could you imagine an actor doing your jokes? Oh, God.

Starting point is 00:36:01 I read Sam Talent's book because he wanted every comic to read a chapter. I read it so poorly, he didn't use it wait you had so you know what it's like to do an audiobook Yeah, it's fucking brutal. It's brutal. Yeah, I didn't want to read this book. No no What's it about it's about a road comic like a fictional guy with a washed up road comic like it's like a novel Yeah, it's incredible.'s like a novel. Yeah It's incredible. I'll run it out. What's it called running the light? Okay, and we're gonna do book now, too He said oh is he yeah, I bet it becomes a movie It's so captivating cuz it's so detailed like doing the line of coke fucking the hooker bombing the corporate getting back on the plane It's great, but it's hard to watch he's right like it's hard to hear an actor

Starting point is 00:36:44 We do jokes hard to watch actors play stand-, like it's hard to hear an actor read your jokes. Hard to watch actors play stand-ups. It's getting kind of played out. Yeah. It happens a lot. It's happening right now, actually, at The Cellar. Has anyone ever captured stand-up on TV or in a movie? Funny People Sandler.

Starting point is 00:36:59 Oh, right. But he's a comic. Yeah. And Judd wrote it. Right, and Aziz is in it it Seth Rogen did comedy for a while So we was a stand-up of 13 dude in Vancouver Wow when I started comedy Everyone had stories about Seth Rogen's parents would bring them to at the time There was a it was like it was like a book show

Starting point is 00:37:20 But it was Tuesday nights in Vancouver at a bar But it was killer and Brent but who I think was funny he would host it anyways his parents would bring like Seth when he was a kid yeah it's been good to get spots on a show like that yeah he has a clip on YouTube it's pretty funny it's pretty funny I never it was before it was before I started yeah that might actually be at the venue I'm talking about. There you go. 13. To me, this is the opposite of comedy.

Starting point is 00:37:50 My parents weren't around to drive me to a show. Like they were doing their own thing. Yeah. So like the fact that you're loving parents is crazy. I was on acid. Yeah, exactly. But he was just funny. I think, I think he was just a funny kid and then he got cast in Freaks and

Starting point is 00:38:04 Geeks at like 17 or 18 and yeah, it was just, he was just set. It I think he was just a funny kid and then he got cast in freaks and geeks at like 17 or 18 and yeah, it was just he was just set. It's crazy. Look at that. It's weird to think like I just wouldn't across my mind I was a smart ass. I was making people laugh, but I would never think to do yeah, it's wild wild I would never think to go in this adult. Yeah venue where they were adults are drinking That was the reason I went when I was young. Oh really? Alcohol, yeah. They'll sit there arguing, but they're both deaf. So they can't hear what they're arguing about.

Starting point is 00:38:33 Kelly, ask me a pillow. But I'm a nomad pillow. I love that he's like, they're like bits like an 80 year old man would do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just like, he was like an old Jew since he was a kid. Armadillo? Another thing that Rock said, and sorry I meant to say this, about having a kid, he also said like, you have to get married. Because if you're not married, people are like, well why is this guy not married?

Starting point is 00:39:03 I don't know, I don't know, like Seinfeld has all these absolutes where you gotta have to do the absolute yeah like you have to do Louie does it too like you have to do this yes I don't know you know and also rocks divorce I mean you can get married and divorce yeah right yeah Louie told me don't do clips clips are bad don't ever tweet and now he does both so I'm like what are we doing here yeah yeah but he hates them he hates all of that we all. So I'm like, what are we doing here? Yeah. Yeah, but he hates them. He hates all of that. We all hate it. I feel like all because that's what I say. It's like a comic starting out. I'm like, listen to advice, but people are going to tell you what they do.

Starting point is 00:39:34 Yeah. Everything is such an individual thing. Coming up with material is such an individual thing. Everything is such an individual thing. But comics will tell you absolutely this is what you got to do. Comics will tell you this is what you gotta do, and then they'll tell you don't listen to advice. Yeah, comics are all over the place. But it's also the advice they give you

Starting point is 00:39:50 is also what worked for them. Yes. Like Louis would say, you don't want this shit in a career, you want this. I'm like, well that's what you did. Yeah. But there are people who blew up like, Adam Sandler blew up Young.

Starting point is 00:40:02 Yeah, right. You blew up this, there's many ways to to have a big career yes if anything It's kind of nice to have this because you have it longer. That's true. It's just Elon. It's just But uh it's gonna get fucking gif now god damn it But uh Yeah, I mean I think it's more like are you equipped to handle it when you're young? Because we've seen people flame out. We've seen people like pop and then you're just like, oh shit, you were not mature enough.

Starting point is 00:40:34 And that's not an age thing always. That's like, are you ready for that? Yeah, it's similar to a cancel. People are like, he got canceled but he's doing great. I'm like, but he's also good. If you get canceled, you're good, you're fine. Because you just show them, hey, he got canceled, but he's doing great. I'm like, but he's also good. Yeah. If you get canceled, you're good, you're fine. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:47 Because you just show them, hey, I can do this, I can do that. But if you suck, you're like, eh, it kinda fucked. Also, if you blow up, I mean, there's such pros and cons to everything, but if you blow up immediately, then you miss, I mean, some of the best parts about being a comic are like the weird fucking situation.

Starting point is 00:41:01 That's true. Also, what about when we were just all at the cellar every night, right? You're gonna. That's some of the best time absolutely the come-up. Yeah, you got nothing to lose haven't having like a Glen Fittick That's your drink yeah, Glen Fittick or like you know just those long nights fucking with Liz the manager there Oh, just hanging out everyone like walking in there knowing everyone you want to see that night are gonna be there. And then doing your sets and then hanging out and being like, Bucketel goes on in 45 minutes.

Starting point is 00:41:31 I'm gonna have another drink, stand by that cash register door in Watchetel. There's nothing better than that. And you had no responsibilities, you get home at four and you're like, who cares? Yeah, I still have no responsibilities. Yeah. But you're worried about, well you wrote a book.

Starting point is 00:41:48 I mean, you. Yeah. You're in it, Sammy. I'm in it? Yeah, the Colette, when we first met, because I talk about, you know, my whole life, but I talk about when I first moved to Vancouver. I can't say his name, but the person that owned the bar where we met,

Starting point is 00:42:00 the, he was your roommate. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Damn. Oh, now I wanna to hear this you know who it is damn no I used to live with this guy yeah oh yeah let's go on jello shot there you go that guy was wild jello shots it was weird cuz I was so paranoid I used people's real names if they're in the public eye I figured if I could say this on a podcast and use the real name then I could do it yeah but then people from home I like change certain people's name some people I reached out and I was like hey can I use your name in the book and they were like

Starting point is 00:42:34 yeah but some people are like fuck I don't know man you know in Bukowski's book Hollywood he just would use famous people's name and like you can't use their name and he'd be like all right right, Arden or Say Say. He would just write names like that and you're like, oh, that's fucking genius. Yeah, why not? I had to go through the whole thing with a lawyer and change people's names. Oh, damn. Who, like, just people who you grew up with and stuff? Just, yeah, not, like, there's a couple people that, like, if it was like, I tried to be real,

Starting point is 00:43:02 I was like really careful. I didn't want anyone to look bad or whatever But you just like certain people like teachers names and stuff like that the teachers were shitty to me Oh gotcha stuff like that has changed their names if they're dead can you use a real name? I I mean I would like to think they are but Yeah, no, there's a mean they're mean to kids. Yeah Gross. Yeah, called me dumb and lazy. Oh shit. Yeah, no. They were mean to kids. Yeah, gross. Yeah, called me dumb and lazy. Damn. Oh, shit. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:28 Really? Totally. That's how teachers used to be, I feel like. Yeah. Now they're not like that. I was in French immersion, so I didn't know when they were calling me that. Yeah. They were mean.

Starting point is 00:43:36 Well, you know they were calling you that. Wait, what? No. Wow. Really? Can you speak French? I used to. It's gone away. But I was pretty good. I was I think if I gave it like an hour and really like hung out with a? I used to, it's gone away, but I was pretty good. I think if I gave it like an hour and really hung out with a French guy, I'd get it back. What if you went to France and you spent like two weeks here?

Starting point is 00:43:51 Easy! Week one, I'd have it. Dude, you should just do that. I know, but I got a kid. You could take a kid on vacation. That's not a good kid vacation, really. Can't do the flight, yeah. There's no Disneyland in Paris. Liszt says he flies with his kid all the time. He's flown with his kid, I. Can't do the flight, yeah. Really? There's no Disneyland in Paris.

Starting point is 00:44:06 Liszt says he flies with his kid all the time. He's flown with his kid I think 28 times he told me. Holy shit. Which is insane. The kid is actually Diamond Medallion. That's amazing. I bumped in, I was flying to Milwaukee. Oh, there is.

Starting point is 00:44:18 Nevermind. And I got on the plane and I was like, fuck that dude looks like Liszt. He was like already asleep before it took off. Yeah. But he's back on the plane. I was like fuck that dude looks like list He was like a like already asleep before it took off. Yeah, he's back on the bottle. Yeah No, he was already asleep and You're like damn that guy's ugly. I go that guy looks so much like list and then we get off the plane and it was Joe List oh, it's always like I saw Phil Haley on the plane to Wisconsin. Yeah, so there you go. Yeah, he thinks you're Batman He's like, I don't know what Phil Hanley's up to I don't know where he is who he is yeah, yeah, but list does it, but he's hard to fucking find too. That's true

Starting point is 00:44:51 He says he is a kid. Yeah, he's at home right now. I love how hard at work You are we're talking about list you bring up a picture of list yeah, you're fucking working man. I appreciate it I shot this pic so okay great big. Thank you. Yeah, I think that's the first hour at the celery did I think so But God that's a great hour killer. He's prolific as fuck. Yeah keeps pumping it out. He's got another great They're all great. He's got one in the can right now. I think it's coming out. I don't know soon really yeah I don't know how he just yeah, he just pumps it out. He is really found I remember seeing like a Rory Scoville or Nate Bragazzi where you're like, oh they know exactly who they are They're they're like on the way to being great

Starting point is 00:45:31 Yeah You got to just know your voice like Nate would have a thing happen to him and he would just go on stage and talk About it and it would do okay and they would do it again and it would kill. Yeah, he just knows where to go Yeah, yeah, I'm still all over the place. Rory's like that too. Ah, Rory's unreal. A famous story, not a famous story, but I opened for him once, he was doing four hours at the Relapse Theater in Atlanta,

Starting point is 00:45:54 all no material, just riffing, for four different hours. Yeah. I opened for him, I would do material, and I was like, hey, I did a, I had a good set, I'm the man, here we go, and then he would go up with no material for an hour and crush, and blow me out of the water, and I'm like, damn it I did a, I had a good set. I'm the man. Here we go. And then he would go up with no material for an hour and crush and blow me out of the water.

Starting point is 00:46:07 And I'm like, damn it. I worked so hard on that. And this guy's just killing with nothing. He just did 10 nights in Brooklyn. Really? Yeah. He did 10 nights at, uh, what's that place with his like shuffleboard upstairs, union hall.

Starting point is 00:46:19 Yeah. I saw him on a flight and he was talking about it. Yeah. He did 10 nights, 10 new hours, And he had like music in the background Wow Or any of them good enough to like how do you film something like that? Do you break it up like something night one? I feel like editing that together's gotta be a nightmare I think Katz broke it up. I think Katz. Oh, he filmed it? Yeah, I believe so. Yeah. Yeah, I'm bummed I didn't know he was here. I loved him on. I on. I know. He's a really special talent, that guy.

Starting point is 00:46:46 He really is hilarious. Oh, interesting. I fucking hate that airport. That's the thing about, wherever you live, you gotta have a good airport if you're gonna do this. Any airport with a tram in the middle, I wanna kill myself. You land, you gotta get on the air train

Starting point is 00:47:01 and go to baggage claim, you're like, what, what? And you feel like such an amateur. I was at Minneapolis this weekend, I was that's the Minneapolis this week I was like would you what fuck how do you get you know you're asking people like I know it's the worst Airports gotta get it together LaGuardia voted number one Really really I love the water to Suck like ten years ago. Oh, it's amazing Now we're doing Phil's airport material

Starting point is 00:47:23 We suck like 10 years ago, now it's amazing. Now we're doing Phil's airport material. But yeah. I mean, how long did this book take you, dude? Took about, like, from the beginning, like eight years. Wow. Yeah, because I started and I had no, I didn't even fucking take English in school. I finished high school having never read a book.

Starting point is 00:47:41 Whoa. I had a special ed teacher read me a book about some kid who got lost in the wilderness, which I think she was like pushing me in that direction. But, um. Were you running a lot by it? Was there anyone you'd run stuff by or? No, I started, I made a list of everybody.

Starting point is 00:47:55 It was when I was like living in New Jersey. That's how long ago it was. Wow. And I made a list of everyone I had ever met in my whole life. And then I made a list of everywhere I'd ever been in my whole life. And then I started just trying to write and it was so bad and then I slowly Got better yeah, cuz I was trying to like at first my first draft that I handed in my agent was like I can tell when you're going for a joke cuz that's all I've ever written

Starting point is 00:48:20 Yeah, I would like set up a paragraph where like oh, this could be a doozy at the end And he's like just tell the. And so it's like funny, but it was so freeing to not have to worry about punch lines or twists or anything like that. Yeah. Like Sam. I'm waiting for it. I was going to make a one man show joke, but that was, yeah. Oh yeah, that works too. But yeah, man. So it just kept going. And then I guess I sold it like maybe four years ago and then I finished it. So it took kept going and then I guess I sold it like maybe four years ago And then I finished it So it took four years

Starting point is 00:48:48 And then I finished it like a year and a half ago And then I thought I was done and I'd hand it in and then it would just be like Slight changes, but it just took so long Yeah, and then the audiobook and then it comes out in two days from when this air With any writers whose brains you picked for advice? No, like the only, I mean I was inspired that Quinn had done it before. He's got a book. He's got a bunch.

Starting point is 00:49:13 A coloring book. He's got a couple. Yeah, a coloring book and then he wrote another one too. But I was inspired, Matt took that picture. It's a good pick. And then, no, and the only people that I can really read is like, I can read Bukowski because it's so straightforward. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:49:31 But I can't read like flowery. So the book's written very like, you know. Like Hemingway sentences, tight. That's yeah, that's the comparison I keep getting. Hopefully it ends the same. But I think this is going to really hit home. People who are dyslexic and I They're gonna send you all kinds of fucked up letters

Starting point is 00:49:48 Yeah a lot of crazy people that come to my shows are dyslexic people parents of dyslexic people and Oh nice self-induced dyslexia Yeah, do you think the drugs did anything to you or no? I don't know a lot of acid in his history for the folks at home. Yeah, I took a lot of LSD. But the reason, and I always thought it was just because I was like, whatever, I felt like dirty as a teenager before taking so much drugs. But then I had a therapist be like, well, you, it was so miserable.

Starting point is 00:50:18 Can you imagine going through school and not, you just don't, you don't know what they're fucking reading. So I would just like fake read. And then they'd ask questions. You'd be like, I have no, it's like, you know when you're... This is probably why you became a smart ass. Yes, 100%. 100%. Because you needed some control,

Starting point is 00:50:35 so the sarcasm was your control, right? Absolutely. Recess, I would be fucking introduced by Johnny and I would fucking go out and be bopping and scatting at recess. Or also just to like prove that I was smart because you're told you're dumb you felt you feel dumb Yeah, you can't read and can't write you feel stupid. What about what about the relation to you? Because you have two older siblings, right? Yeah. Yeah, were they they were good students great students

Starting point is 00:51:00 Yeah, so that I mean that's got to be I relate to this very much Yeah, I mean what did that feel like when they're pulling back good grades and you're just like, yeah, because it, what do I do? Yeah, you just feel like, cause at first they didn't know what was wrong. So they would just say, I was lazy and I was dumb. And my mom would just show up and fucking fight for me to get put to the next grade.

Starting point is 00:51:21 Cause she thought it would be devastating if I didn't go to school. You have that great joke about your mom was doing your homework, and then the teacher was saying how bad all the homework was. I'm putting you in the, and you're like, you're like, damn it, Phil is working two jobs.

Starting point is 00:51:35 Yeah, yeah, yeah, raising three kids. Yeah, and raising three, that's a great joke. Ha ha ha. Also, you're bigging the crowd work, I feel like. Yeah. And that almost feels like you're smart ass, now you're putting it to work and making money on it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:49 I think, yeah, that's a, it's a weird thing. Cause when people started, cause I always did crowd work from soon as I started comedy. Yeah. And I never thought anything of it just because you get it in your head. If you're dyslexic and you're bad at everything, you get it in your head that the things that you are good at, you devalue them because you're like, it must just be easy if I can do it. Right.

Starting point is 00:52:09 Because you're so used to it. So it took me a long time to start posting clips and accepting like, oh no, this is a skill. Yeah, 100%. Besides if you watch certain people's clips. Well, it also became popular too and you were happy to be good at it. Well, yeah, it became popular and I'd been doing it for 19 years. Exactly. Wow. Where it was kind of an, don't want to say an afterthought like crowd work was

Starting point is 00:52:28 always around but it wasn't what it is now. Now crowd work is making a career off it. But there were people who I think were really thought of as being good at and Phil was one of those people I think would you know you're in New York you're like Phil, Todd Barry. Yeah, Big J. J does it well yeah. Yeah that's true. But yeah, you're selling tickets. Like hotcakes. Now, yeah, after all, yeah, which feels so crazy. That's what it's all about, baby, butts in seats. Yeah, yeah, it feels so weird because now,

Starting point is 00:52:55 to do, when I started comedy, the only people that did theaters were people that, like the only way you could do it would be on a sitcom. I know, I know. It's weird, right? It's weird, right? weird yeah no it's we're we're in a boom Quinn keeps joking like it's about the end I've been hearing that for five years Colin Quinn keeps saying the booms about the end and he keeps saying like you know he made a great point last night about how you know comedy he's like I

Starting point is 00:53:20 felt this like the crowds are getting dumber yep he's like the the end is coming he's like what killed comedy back in the day was like, we'll just do karaoke night. He's like, now, like, it's like everyone's doing karaoke on TikTok. Yeah. And you're like, fuck, he'd make all these comparisons to like these huger versions of what happened.

Starting point is 00:53:37 He's like, this is five times. Cause the boom, this boom is like, Huge. 20 times the boom of the- We know people at 10 guys at arenas. That's so insane. It's insane. Yeah. Two guys at arenas in the boom of the... We know people at 10 guys at arenas. That's so insane. That's insane. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:47 Two guys at arenas in the history of comedy, or three guys, and now it's like four people we know. Yeah. Nate does an arena at 4 p.m. I started, we started with him at The World. He's adding shows like it's an improv. Yeah. In an arena.

Starting point is 00:54:00 I talk about The World a ton in the book. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. For those of you who don't know there was a place called The World, it was like a satellite room to Broadway comedy club. Already not a good club. No. This is the bad room at that club. It's in the attic, it's like a storage space. Yep. They had fucking tables on the... Stage? Yeah, on the stage. And I... Run by a guy in a fedora. Yeah. I'm guessing his name you didn't use. Summer, yeah.

Starting point is 00:54:25 In the winter, fur coat. Yes. And then, I was on stage at the world and had someone tell me that their bill was wrong. Like mid-set. Like that was where it was at. That was where it was at. They was like, this is wrong.

Starting point is 00:54:39 And I'm like, yeah, it's so wrong. My career was so in the toilet, I'd be like, let me fix it. Yeah. I just paid the bill. Yeah. I remember getting you in My career was so in the toilet, I'd be like, let me fix it. I just paid the bills. I remember getting you in there and you crushed. The first night, because you had to be, it was a papered room, obviously. It was all barked in, randos.

Starting point is 00:54:54 And so you had to shuck and jive. And I was up there like, what's the deal with peanuts? They're weird. It's not a pea, it's a nut, whatever. I'm bombing. And you went up there and you were like, look at this fucking guy. Holy shit, and I was like who's this dude? Yeah, yeah, cuz I'd done so many shitty gigs right who raised to do shitty. He was a lot of very professional We didn't have because I think Mark and I were so used to just doing

Starting point is 00:55:20 Kind of just like these shit rooms in New York and Phil kind of came with a more professional approach I remember we were to at a bar show and there were like five people in the room and kind of just like these shit rooms in New York. And Phil kind of came with a more professional approach. I remember we were at a bar show and there were like five people in the room and Phil just went up there and really handled it like it was a big show. And I was like, oh shit, this is kind of cool. Everyone else was like, oh, five people showed up.

Starting point is 00:55:36 But he really like played to them. And I was like, oh, that's what you're supposed to do as an entertainer. You're supposed to, I mean, it's obvious. But it wasn't obvious to us. No. For me, it was a big fucking deal, because I like ended a relationship of five years

Starting point is 00:55:49 and didn't get to see my nephew and like to move here. Yeah. So every show in New York to me just felt like a fucking huge deal. Interesting, I didn't know about all that. Yeah. Wow, that's kind of how I feel with the kid. Like every set I'm working.

Starting point is 00:56:02 Oh that's great. Because you get out the house, like just getting out of the house is hard. Yeah. And so you're like, I got to make sure this line works. I got to take that line out, tweak that. Like you go in there with a mission. Yeah. Because you can't, stage time is precious now.

Starting point is 00:56:13 Before I was like, I'll fuck around. You just want to kill. I can't imagine. We were laughing because we were on the road and Mark's like, God, I can't get out of the house with this baby. And we look on YouTube and I'm like, did Mark just do Brendan Sagalos podcast in Queens Your wife's at home deal with the baby like I gotta go to a story to bang out this pod real quick

Starting point is 00:56:39 Yeah, I kept putting it off for years like fuck and I'll do it my parents were in town That's what we got me out of the house. I knew it was something. Yeah, they were driving me nuts. If you're too busy to cook, that doesn't mean you should give up on your health goals and eat out all the time. There are other options, like Factor's two-minute meals.

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Starting point is 00:59:25 dude that's the hardest part about a kid it's not the keeping it alive it's not the shitty diapers and the screaming it's like the scheduling I got a pot of this time stick well I have yoga and I'm like so you gotta hire somebody or get somebody over it's brutal I've done everything I wanted to do all day every day it's hard cherish it it cuz that goes away quick But do you ever think about having a kid? I want to so bad. Yeah. Yeah, really? Yes Oh, I love kids. What? Yes, I was like, yeah totally. I just wow I didn't know that say you're gonna do the old-fashioned way or you think about adopting? What do you like?

Starting point is 01:00:01 Oh, I think I mean ideally I would do the old-fashioned You never know. Yeah, you like adopt you get like a 17 year old year yeah one year company yeah I think about it so you ever see the movie uh you ever see thief with James I have seen there's that scene where you know he's like an ex-con and he's trying to he's trying to adopt the kid and like where were you from you these years to use he's I was in prison they're like yeah you can't adopt the kid he's like I'll where were you from these years to years? She's like, I was in prison. They're like, yeah, you can't adopt the kid. And he's like, I'll take a black or a Mexican one.

Starting point is 01:00:28 I don't give a shit. He's doing them a favor. I forgot about that, yeah. It's one of the most fucked up hilarious scenes. He died, right? Yeah, he died, dude. That movie fucking rules, though. He's an ex-con.

Starting point is 01:00:40 Ooh. Phil likes kids so much, his home screen is his nephew. Yeah Yeah, I'm super yeah, I have a yeah when he's a baby Kevin spacey's home screen is also your nephew You gotta explain that one quick is that your kid no I Think since he was born. I don't know if I've ever not had him as my home He's 18 now. But yeah, the picture of him when I was just-

Starting point is 01:01:08 But you're tight. You're really tight with your sister too, right? Too tight with my sister, tight with my, super tight with my nephew. I'm going home and performing in Vancouver this weekend. Hey! Yeah. What club? What room?

Starting point is 01:01:20 The Queen Elizabeth. Hell yeah! The good one, right? No, no, that was in...where did you play, Sammy? Vogue? Vogue! That's a good one. That's a great room.

Starting point is 01:01:30 Is it? Yeah, oh yeah, you're gonna love it. Oh, it's amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Great crowds in Canada. Yeah, Vancouver's awesome. Oh, I love it.

Starting point is 01:01:38 I remember the mix. Too bad the mix is gone. That was the room. The mix was such a great...and the thing that sucks is it's still there, it's just not a club. Ah! It was sold out from Tuesdays like the whole week. I know, I stayed in that hotel recently, randomly.

Starting point is 01:01:49 I did the great outdoors, whatever, with Santino and Soder. Oh, that's a fun show. It was a great time. But I was like, why is this hotel familiar? What's going on? And then I realized the mix is right under the fucking lobby. Us three and Joe List were in the sauna at that hotel. Holy shit.

Starting point is 01:02:03 No, that wasn't at the Sutton Place. When we all did the Vancouver comedy, that was one block down. That was the Sutton place. Damn, what a great city. I'm pumped to go back. I really like that. I love Seattle too, man, for comedy. Seattle's great. I know that downtown has seen better days, but that Pike Market's so fucking cool.

Starting point is 01:02:22 Killer. I love Pacific Northwest. Portland, Oregon gets a bad rap, but that Pike Market's so fucking cool. Yeah, killer. Yeah. Yeah, I love the Pacific Northwest. I mean, Portland, Oregon gets a bad rap, but like I usually have fun there too. Crowds are great. Crowds are great in Portland. That whole strip, that Pacific Northwest is just. It's a good strip for shows, man.

Starting point is 01:02:34 And heroin. Great for heroin. They got good shit. Hastings. Yeah. Yeah, Hastings is nasty. Hoo-wee, yikes. I always, wherever I am, I always text Veeder for recs.

Starting point is 01:02:45 For food recs? Dude, it's insane. He's actually, it's annoying because he's so arrogant about it, but every fucking meal is a home run. Yeah. Oh, to me, to have that. He thinks it's a real skill though,

Starting point is 01:02:56 to fucking just take my credit card and just be like, I found a spot. Yeah. By the way, I'm paying for these like insanely expensive meals, and everyone's like, Gary, thank you so much. Thank you, Gary. That's hilarious.

Starting point is 01:03:08 That's hilarious. I took him to Chicago to open for me and he had a dud. Yeah. He didn't live in, I thought he was going to hang himself. I thought I was going to come into his closet with a belt. I got food wrecks too. Chicago is easy. Come on.

Starting point is 01:03:20 Yeah. But Gary, so, I mean, one of the most fun loving, easy to laugh. When he's on a mission finding, after we did the beacon,, on his phone, you can't joke around with him. He takes it seriously. He takes the vibe of the road very seriously, and that's who you want to be on the road with, is someone who like, he's like every moment has to count. Like he gets me up early in the morning, we go to like, by the way, here's a rec, go to the rec center, seriously. Like you go on the road,

Starting point is 01:03:57 the South, every YMCA is like fucking beautiful now. Really? Really? Dude, I mean, rec centers, they usually have a steam room, a sauna, they have a basketball court, a pool. That's good rec. You can get a seven day pass for free usually, or it's like a day rate. But it's like, man, you're on the road.

Starting point is 01:04:14 And if you live there, it's like 150 for the whole year. I highly recommend that, man. Wait, you get up when you're on the road? Veeder fucking pushes us. Really? He's sober us and really he's sober Peter sober I still drink at night, so I'm like the superhero here But like right but like they're yeah, we we try to like I'll play ball with my tour manager Brian We play basketball Veeders doing weights we fucking yeah, we try yeah, there we go. There's Gary area

Starting point is 01:04:39 Special yeah looking that little suit. I Feel like looking like a million bucks if you get up then because you don't nap right I Hate naps yeah, it was kind of a peeve to me really it works. It feels great I highly recommend a wreck from really yeah, what's the trick the trick is you try to read? The trick is The reading would totally it's fucking exhausting dude it is it's hard but yeah I just wait

Starting point is 01:05:10 I just don't have a coffee till I have a nap and then after my nap I have a coffee if you get up and drink coffee it's gonna fuck up your nap there you go but 20 minutes man cause don't you tie if you get up and you work out but how do you do the alarm? my question is how long does it take you to fall asleep for a nap?

Starting point is 01:05:27 That's the question. Because then maybe like 10 minutes. You have to keep adjusting the alarm, I feel like. No, I'd set the alarm for like an hour out, even though I'll probably wake up in 20 minutes. Right, right. But if I work out and do shit on the road, like when I look at Liszt on the road, he's hiking and all that. I'll be like, I'll be so tired in between the early show

Starting point is 01:05:45 and the late show. What are you an old man? Come on, you're a healthy guy, you're prime. I picture him with a walking stick. No, I would just be burnt, you know what I mean? Honestly, it wakes me up. If we exercise and hit the sauna and do a little shower, get a good breakfast, I'll have four coffees at breakfast,

Starting point is 01:06:04 but I'm up for the day. I don't, yeah, but then we fall asleep somewhat early on the road. Oh really? Aren't you not tired when you're on the road? I am, but I just push through and then I try to get some good sleep at night. You're the only person, that's where the booze comes in.

Starting point is 01:06:18 Yeah, that helps. You're the only person that, and I think of you when I'm on the road, Norman gets so pumped about like, he's like, flew in from South Africa, did a podcast, I got three spots tonight. Like that, it's like the shit that would weigh me down, gets you pumped.

Starting point is 01:06:34 Yeah, I guess so. Cause I am tired, but I'm pumped that I could get it all in. Beat the system, I feel like. Do you get a feeling like when it's all over, you're like, mm. Yes, it's satisfaction Satisfaction this for the kids at home satisfaction is better than happiness Everybody's like I want to be happy. I want to be happy. You're not satisfied you get satisfied You'll be happy, but maybe they're connected satisfaction makes you happy. I think so I think so everybody's chasing happy

Starting point is 01:06:57 They want to yeah pill or just like what do I do? I want to be happier Go fulfill yourself and then scratch something off a list. I will say after four hours, I would prep for the audiobook for four hours, then I would do the audiobook session for four hours and I felt burnt but on top of the world after that. Yes, because maybe we're all different here, but I feel like a vacation. I almost can't enjoy it because I'm like, I'm not being productive. I could have done this.

Starting point is 01:07:24 I could have done that. I wasted a day and I don't enjoy the vacation because I'm just thinking of what I could have done with Those hours. Yeah, maybe that's a disease. I'm bad a vacation dude. There we go Look you have to you have to almost trick yourself because I think we were all wired in this way We're like to get good at stand-up. We had to do so many shows a night Yeah, never really take nights off for so many years, you're like, it became hard to relax. And then you go on, I'd be in like Santorini, and I'd be like, I'm supposed to just like go on a catamaran?

Starting point is 01:07:54 What the fuck is this shit? I got stuff to do. And even then, my girl would be making fun of me, she'd be like, you're just gonna read like a Putin book by the pool? That's relaxing. I was like, that was me trying to be good. But yeah, yeah, I don't know. It's hard for me.

Starting point is 01:08:08 Like, yeah, I'd always want to be like, what's this doing for my comedy? And that's a really unhealthy way to think. I guess so. But because I don't do that. If I go to like a Knicks game, I'm like, how is this good? But I guess the things I enjoy, the ways I like kind of decompress aren't vacation.

Starting point is 01:08:22 Same, same. I feel like I take a lot of mini vacations. I go to like a Knicks game or like a fucking you know hockey game or go to like a museum or go see a movie. Yeah. But I'm not gonna like... Mini vacation. That's big. But when I go travel I'd be like well I'm here I want to do like a gig. Yeah that's how I feel and then you know the women in your life get mad at you like you gotta you gotta go do this what about dinner and I'm like I hate dinner. I wanna go do this.

Starting point is 01:08:45 It works both ways though because I was just in, you know, I did a little Euro tour and dude, I did too many countries in too short a time. I didn't enjoy it. Like that's the other problem. Like I want, the balance is hard, but man, I did like all of Scandinavia in like four days. Really? And I'm like, this isn't how you fucking enjoy it. I did the same thing. You wake up, you're in an airport. It sucked. And every time I'd land there, I'd be like, isn't how you fucking enjoy it. Yeah, you know wake up. You're not an airport It sucked and you know and every time I'd land there. I'd be like man I found a good restaurant my big I want to be here for a few days

Starting point is 01:09:10 Yeah, then I see what like Leonard Cohen used to do and he just like live in Hydra for a month And I'm like that's kind of cool. I mean I guess a musician you can do that Yeah, but like we don't need Ari all right fucking Cambodia for a month, and I'm like That's too much a month and I'm like, ah, that's too much. You're 68 years old. But if you were doing, if you did that and did like every other day. That's true. That's the move. You know what I mean? Do a show in Norway, spend the day in Norway, fly to, you know. I brought the wife on that, I did the same run, where you just wake up, go to the airport, you fly to Oslo.

Starting point is 01:09:43 The show's that night, you do the show, you try to get dinner, try to do something after the show. Which is so fucking hard when you don't know what's going down. I know, and it's late and shit closes early. We live in New York, we forget. Like, shit rolls up over there. Even New York's closing early, dude. I was trying to go to a bar the other night, after I saw you, at the cellar when I was fucking shit-faced, that night at the cellar.

Starting point is 01:10:03 All I know is I ran the light, Liz, the manager's lighting me. I was like, I impregnated her and I won't pay child support. And I was like, what the fuck is happening? I was just like fucking with her. He's laughing. Yeah, she was cracking up. I got off stage to a bomb to try to find a bar and like nothing was open.

Starting point is 01:10:17 I was like, this is a fucking West Village. Yeah. Dude. Bars are gonna start closing more and more cause no one drinks now. East Village. That was a hotspot. It was a hots spot 7a. There was that other you know 7a is 24 hours or used to be Veselka is not 24 hours That was the one that ripped my fucking heart. Veselka is a spot. It's the spot. It's a spot

Starting point is 01:10:39 And it was such a comic spot. Yeah, you'd go there. We've been there together a couple times. That's's a sure Yeah, and I've been there because I live so close. I'll stop in and you always see comics there Yeah, closes at 12 which now is like late for the city. It's like why we what happened? Yeah, new catchphrase. It's not the city that never sleeps anymore No, it really isn't like diners are also dead to the city like yeah, and then you go to a diner And you're like, how do you stay open? You're like, oh, eggs are $22. It kind of takes away the charm of a fucking diner. I know.

Starting point is 01:11:10 And now they got these diners that are pretending to be a diner. It's like, I identify as a diner, but it's so expensive. And you're like, what are you doing? There used to be like blue collar people in here, middle class. And now it's just, everything's like fucking fake. It's like a diner accoutrements you know but they don't have the prices yeah but not East Village nothing open late now oh that was the bar area I know remember Mars bar and all that shit that's all gone. Bars might still be open late.

Starting point is 01:11:38 Norm and I talked about the movie how much we both love After Hours so much just about the idea that this like the chaos of the city all night and what it represented. And now that part, like, look, it's crazy to see like Tribeca and Soho and like how fucking grimy they were. It's also awesome. Great fucking movie. I love that movie. You recommended that to me during the pandemic

Starting point is 01:11:56 and I fucking loved it. It's so funny. It's Scorsese's funniest movie. Yeah. But yeah, it's crazy. Like, I love that he's in that bar late night. Yes. All these, you know, there's the weird bar owner, all the weird characters, the diner that's late. And just Soho when it wasn't a mall. I know.

Starting point is 01:12:14 I know. They had strip clubs in Soho. Isn't that crazy? They were strip clubs in Soho. Wow. It's insane to think about how much shit has changed. Yeah. But yeah, it's sad and the problem is we're bitching about it, but the kids now don't even care. They're like, ah, we don't want to do that. We want to watch Netflix and take Edibles and vape. That's what it says? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:33 These kids today, statutory vape. That's all it is. They just want to like play Twitch and shit. Yeah. Yeah. It's sad. No one's got any fire in the belly maybe I'm an old boomer in the robe and it's harder to well the kids kids are fascinating now

Starting point is 01:12:51 because they're like soft and queefy but they also eat ass and do ketamine yeah like they've just they've stayed crazy they just do it in different ways that's that's interesting yeah like Luigi is killing, but he was he didn't drink You know that's what I'm saying. Yeah, I think I got something here. Yeah, there could be something all right Luigi This is a prototype like Larry David scene from after hours Curb your enthusiasm. He's trying to buy a token. Oh, yeah, like 1201 and the price of the token it just goes up He's a great scene Griffin done He's in a new movie

Starting point is 01:13:33 Raining like mad out there. No, would you just give me a break? I really just want to go home I'm sorry. I can't do that. I could lose my job That's heavy the the one actor's probably like 40, I have the old dude. Yeah. That's true. Get drunk, talk to someone, who knows? Would you just?

Starting point is 01:13:53 That was the line, sorry. Who knows? Everything going wrong is like, it can be annoying, and this movie does it right, which is a harder thing to do. You could just be annoyed watching it. Yeah. But this movie keeps it just funny enough right right and visually it's just so good beautiful I know so I just see like a taxi an old taxi cab in a movie and you get like sad

Starting point is 01:14:14 of course fucking like that's I was the Untouchables was on TV the other day and Fucking those old-timey cabs like I miss just seeing miss just seeing like cabs. The checker cabs? Those are cool looking. Yeah, remember Arthur? I love Arthur. Yeah, Arthur man. Moved in New York City. Exactly. New York was wild. Taxi driver, all that shit. I mean it's really buttoned up. Yeah, I watched the movie Taxi Driver. It really made me miss Taxi Driver. Seemed like really stable people.

Starting point is 01:14:43 You could, you remember he's wiping jizz on the backseat. Those were good times. So we have three premier joke writers in New York City right here. Are you guys working on any bits? You always do this when I got nothing. Every time he does this I'm like I got no fucking, all my new shit sucks. You got some stuff. I saw it the other night. Nah, I, I fucking suck. All right. Well, Bill Ailey's got a book. He's been writing. Look, yeah, the last line's a punch line. Oh. So, I'll set up.

Starting point is 01:15:08 No, that's not true. But yeah. That'd be cool for a buildup that long. Well, it is kind of the first line of the book relates to the last line of the- Hey, callback. Yeah. Or bookend. And where's the best place to buy it? You're if you this is if you could do anything for me,

Starting point is 01:15:29 my dream is to go from special ed to the New York Times bestseller list. And you, you have now the people that are watching the podcast now is the time view. Preorder it now today or tomorrow then it can happen? Okay, we can do this we order this guys now spellbound and Amazon's a place to do it You can do it on Amazon if you go to my Instagram Give a little follow and then The link in the bio. There's a link in the bio. It's on Amazon. It's on they get wherever you buy books I love it. You will put it on the YouTube as well. We'll put it on our page, and we'll plug it.

Starting point is 01:16:06 Yeah, we'll plug it. There'll be a link in the YouTube, right? There's a modeling photo in there. Whoa! I've seen some of these. On the end pages, Sammy, if you look at the end pages, those are all, I made a list of all the words I couldn't spell as I wrote the book.

Starting point is 01:16:18 Oh, awesome. And the end pages, the black pages there, those are all, that's a list of all of them. Oh, wow. This is great. Oh, cool. Look at that. OK, cool. All right all right all right and there's a zillion people out there with the reading problems and writing problems so this is gonna hit

Starting point is 01:16:31 home and kids now are illiterate yeah you can also get the audio but yeah does the audiobook cost count toward the bestseller list it counts that there's like two categories there's one category that encompasses everything But if you actually buy the book, I mean if I was you I would just go you get both The hard copy of the book then That goes towards the New York Times bestseller list, but that's like my dream dream dream. Okay. Well, let's Let's get him there That was this morning by his agent No get him on the bestseller list New York Times spellbound by Phil Hanley

Starting point is 01:17:11 My life is a dyslexic wordsmith. It's I can't wait to read this. I know Mark's gonna read it Sammy You're I can't wait. We talk about going to Cafe Colette doing that. Oh shit those fucking Cappuccinos, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm good man. Talk about when you got past at the cell show. Oh shit, those fucking, those cappuccinos. Those were fucking good, man. Talk about when you got passed at the cellar. Oh shit, yeah. Hey, all right. And check out him on the road, too. Yeah, give us some road dates as well for Phil.

Starting point is 01:17:32 Pull up some road dates. Yeah, can you bring it up? Punch-up's the way to go. Punchup.live slash Phil Hanley slash tickets. You can see Phil. This comes out the 16th, I believe. Oh, these are killer rooms you got. San Francisco at Cobb's one of the best rooms

Starting point is 01:17:46 in the country. We got Washington, D.C. The D.C. Improv, another classic. Kimball Theater in Virginia. You got the Variety Playhouse in Georgia. Plaza Live, Orlando, Asheville. Orange Pail, have you played there? Yeah, let me tell you something.

Starting point is 01:18:00 It was only, Asheville's a great city. It was one of my least favorite shows in my last run. But I might've just draw a bad crowd that day. I think Asheville's great. I love Asheville. I have a sweatshirt from the Orange Peel, that's why I remember it. Is it a jazz club, what is that?

Starting point is 01:18:14 No, it's a really cool little rock club. And then I'm at Town Hall. Whoa. In New York? Yep, New York, and then the Wilbur, which were two dream venues for me to play. Two of the best rooms in the country. Wilbur's top five, I think, in the whole country.

Starting point is 01:18:28 I taped a special there, I fucking love the Wilbur. And we just added a show in DC. Beautiful, man. And that's not me. Man, you gotta go to Oldebets. You ever go there? No. Pull it up real quick, Salakus.

Starting point is 01:18:40 Oldebets in DC? Oldebets, dude, trust me. I don't know Oldebets. This is a Gary Doesn't Miss Old Ebits grill. Pull up a picture, it's fucking old school, like a Sinatra type play. Dude, it's so cool. It looks like a big version of the tornado room in Madison.

Starting point is 01:18:55 And the host was a We Might Be Drunk listener, so he made sure we were taken care of. Hey! I got you the coolest waiter, was like an old guy who was like kind of a ball buster. I was like, oh, this is what it's all ballbuster I was like oh, this is we got fucking sauce were pounding martinis were getting great stuff for the tables It was it was a great night. I love look at that. That's beautiful old school got it guy check it out Yeah, like I look beautiful. I got on a brag

Starting point is 01:19:19 But I'm doing Vegas and I got the spearman rhino guy hit me up Yeah, so I'm gonna go in there with a just gym shorts on and then hide your wallet Dude that's that place is classic. Oh, yeah, I've been oh you have I've been yeah, I've been once too Yeah, I'm all over the road. I mean Reno Well, we've got the live page to stage premiere at the Village East we're playing Second episode oh yeah I might be there for that. Hey, we'd love to have you. When is it March 26 going? I'm going to the next game Oh, I'd be there. That's understandable

Starting point is 01:20:01 going to the next game. Oh, shit. I'd be there. That's understandable. The Ryman. Doing the Ryman, baby. Oh, my god. Have you done the Ryman? Yeah, it's sick.

Starting point is 01:20:08 I overshoot my dad's fucking head. You've done the Ryman years ago. That's amazing. It's sick. Very exciting. What's a bucket list? Yeah, that's a bucket list. One of the best rooms in the fucking country.

Starting point is 01:20:16 I just did a pretty cool one in Nashville that wasn't the Ryman. It was like something like it was on a university thing, but it was pretty good. All right. Yeah, Nashville's great. Great comedy town. Had Taylor LeWan from Busting with the Boys come out. the You can't poop on a bus. No, no. He hotboxes the fucking bus. And then throws it in the garbage. And I was like. Oh, he fished it out?

Starting point is 01:20:48 He had to fish it out because he triple bagged it. I'll give him that. I was like, all right, at least he had the force to triple bag it. But we're like, dude, you can't do that. It just sits there. You can't be carcasses on the bus, man. Yeah. That's a spicy shit.

Starting point is 01:21:00 That's a spicy carcass. Yeah. But goddamn, the hot chicken, it's good, but it's a mistake. Yeah, it's a huge mistakecass. Yeah. But goddamn the hot chickens. It's good, but it's a mistake. It's unreal. Yeah, it's a huge mistake. But all right, so yeah, come out to my show, Bust It With The Boys. They did the jelly roll roast with me. They had a better set than I did. They killed.

Starting point is 01:21:15 They're funny dudes. Uptown Theater in Napa, which Napa I'm very excited about. Just going to wine country. I'd love to go to Napa. You gonna get some fucking wine? I'll get some Merlot. I feel like Giamatti. No, you don't drink Merlot.

Starting point is 01:21:24 You don't drink Merlot. You're Right. Oh really? Yeah. Oh shit. All right, Santa Barbara Asheville makeup date for the hurricane although Asheville just had a crazy fire you see that yeah They just don't want you to perform that they really don't Bristol, Tennessee, New Brunswick, Ithaca, then I'm going on a UK tour when that day's that's great Yeah, that'll be fun. And I love the UK. I love the UK. They gave me a long Europe tour

Starting point is 01:21:49 and I said, break it up. I got a child now. Dude, you know what? I really wish I did the same thing because I loved Copenhagen and I loved Amsterdam. I love all these places. I didn't get to fucking explore. Broke my heart.

Starting point is 01:22:00 I'm gonna spread it out. Spread it out. Spread it out. Oh dude, you're playing the egg? Yeah, the egg is sick. It looks cool Yeah, I got so we got the but that this is after that wait I'm in smart to are we the same week that the 12th this comes out the 15th 16th, okay? That's March 13th. Yeah, yeah, but yeah, I would have played the egg though. The egg is great great show They Cuomo came out was a blast Columbus, Ohio

Starting point is 01:22:24 Great show they Cuomo came out was a blast Columbus, Ohio April 10th Royal Oak Michigan Grand Rapids in Milwaukee Madison Des Moines, Iowa never been st. Louis, Missouri Kansas City, Minneapolis Phoenix, Arizona San Diego SAC SF Portland we added a late show on a Monday, so please come out. I hope I don't regret the Vogue. Yeah, we got the Vogue We had a late show there, please These are like midweek things they make me fucking nervous at a late show But Seattle the Moore's great late show in Vancouver May 7th on that Egyptians killer Oh, yeah, Boise and then Salt Lake and then closing out in Denver. Hell yeah Paramount supposed to be great It's fucking insane. It's it's so good top five as well. I love Denver

Starting point is 01:23:05 So what are you doing in this big break here between? April there's a big break here, right? It was 30th to me. We have a big break. I guess yeah 12th and get some a piece of shit, man. Sorry Yeah, sorry. I'm taking two weeks. I was covered. What are you doing that week, dude? I'm doing like 12 days at a time I got a fucking recoup a little bit yeah thanks some pods with with Mark over here yeah yes some other shit but uh sardinia or something are we doing pet peeves oh yeah yeah yeah maybe maybe kidding me a bunch this is a huge pet peeve and then is

Starting point is 01:23:40 when you're you get upgraded right yeah in first yeah want to sleep I need to sleep sure you know You're a napper. I'm a napper Napa Valley fucking the whole plane is completely silent Everyone is not being a dick everyone's got the blinds down. It's just like fucking Xanadu the stewardess in the little cubby thing are talking and fucking being so loud If you had that yeah, where they're not aware of the volume. It's like you got to be it's insane What are the sleep? Yeah that you don't do noise cancel? I don't hear plug. It's hard to sleep in the noise cancel It's hard to get a good angle on those. Yes sure I go the pods Oh, really?

Starting point is 01:24:24 Headphone you know it's a good hack for that actually is you put the pods. Oh really? Not the headphone, I go with the pods. You know what's a good hack for that actually, is you put the pods in and you play, I play like just a white noise app. Oh wow. And I'll just do a fan. It'll just be the noise of a fan, but it's with the pods in it, it works.

Starting point is 01:24:36 I never thought of that. It's not gonna cancel out if they're yapping, but it's. Yeah, yeah, that's a good one. That's a good one. Good peeve, good peeve. Okay. Damn, we gotta, this guy, he told you about a book. Can we show the writing, that's a good one. Good peeve, good peeve. Okay. Damn, we gotta, this guy, he told you about a book. Can we show the writing, your writing, just to let people know how fucked up you actually

Starting point is 01:24:50 are? This is pretty good. This is pretty good. Oh, that is pretty good. Yeah, that's not bad. All right. My girlfriend wrote that up. Okay, and then this is a huge one that ruins my night.

Starting point is 01:25:03 So I'll do stand up, all I wanna do is go back to the hotel and watch the Leafs right watch the maple Oh, yeah fucking people who ruin the game like after the game. They're like I guess that's another one in the wind column Whatever dude first off no one gives a shit what you think secondly my nights fucked exactly I'm supposed to watch a game not knowing that's a big one one. Because that's what most people do. Of course, of course. Don't read the comments. No. Did you see the Canada 1 eventually? The, what is it, the Final Four?

Starting point is 01:25:31 What do you call it? The Nation. The Four Nation Four. I know, Vitor told me he was texting you. I was like, well, let's send him a fucking middle finger right now. And he was like, no, no, no. And I was like, why?

Starting point is 01:25:39 I'm like, it's fucking funny. Canada 1, you gotta hand it over. Yeah, they're so talented, their team. Yeah, and I mean, the States were great, too were great too was hard to vote because some of my favorite players were playing for the American the Kachuk brothers are so cool. Oh, dude. They're such bad I just like the fact did you see that they got into three fights within the Three scraps but the thing that was crazy was because they'd been hyping it up The NHL had been hyping that out and I was like, I don't know,

Starting point is 01:26:05 because the All-Star game's always so boring and lame. These guys went so, they were playing game seven. It was insane, scraps, crazy hits. We saw it in Montreal. I was with, yeah. And so in Montreal, they like sing, and it was like, yeah, it was huge. It was great.

Starting point is 01:26:24 It's kind of sad to see the tension between Canada and the US where like they're booing and you're like, ah, it's a bummer. It bums more than them. We're neighbors. It's such a bummer and the one thing that I'll say when I tell people like Americans, I'm like, yeah they boo the, Americans are always like, I guess so. Like the people that I tell are understand why Canada's hurt Right. Yeah, wait. Wait. What do you mean? They booed the anthem? Yeah, they booed the yeah, but they're mad at us. Yeah

Starting point is 01:26:53 They're mad at Trump there. Well, yeah, I mean they're mad at the states, but I think they yeah They're a little upset because of the tariff thing. Sure Is true no in or out the the the the the the the the the the

Starting point is 01:27:38 the the the the the Dude, I just heard Tate and I'm like, uh, it's with Shane. Maybe it's like a country singer. Yeah Singer too. Yeah, damn. She's not a mccrae. There you go Alright, so yeah, thanks folks get the book by the book no bound by Phil Hanley We're very impressed. That's my wreck. That's my wreck for the week Yeah, no bound by Phil Hanley if you could please buy it this comes out I have like two more days to get it on the bestseller list if you buy it

Starting point is 01:28:07 If you buy it today or the next or I guess yeah the next few days then it would get on the New York Times bestseller list We're gonna spread the word great comic great joke writer. Yes I have every belief that this is gonna be amazing. I haven't read it yet, but you get a copy. I got a copy Oh, yeah, I can't wait. All'm gonna bring it with me on the fucking bus I'm gonna read it for real. So please I don't want James farting near it. Yeah By the way, I just I just skipped to a chapter said chick sick chicken. Yeah, no, there's a modeling story That's kismic. Yes, so I can't wait. Buy the book, support our buddy over here. Thank you guys so much. Thank you for having me. Yeah, great to see you guys. You

Starting point is 01:28:49 want a plunge before you go? Absolutely. Yeah, off camera. But yeah, definitely. We both had our balls in there. So it's a nice. It's filtered. It's a good. It's a good plunge right there. Yeah. The hell of a plunge. And RIP Hackman. RIP. Yeah, we didn't do that. We should have done. You know, it bugged me a little. A lot of people were pissed David Lynch didn't get a bigger thing at the Oscars. Ah, yeah, that memoriam is always a popularity contest. People always get pissed.

Starting point is 01:29:13 They'll get pissed over random people and they're like, Shannon Doherty wasn't in the Oscars. I'm like, she wasn't like an Oscar, I mean, I liked her. It's TV, TV Hackman. I liked her. She was hot. She was hot. She was hot. Was she Asian?

Starting point is 01:29:26 She had a look. Is that how we're going to? No, Gene Hackman. So this is my book record. Asian wife. My movie record is going to be the conversation with Gene Hackman. There you go. You should, and another one more Gene Hackman, Night Moves.

Starting point is 01:29:42 Oh yeah. That's a fucking tight one. There you go. Two unsung great, I mean, people know the conversation, I guess, but it's fucking, these are like great movies. Yeah. And I feel like they get forgotten and, God, Hackman was great in everything. He was the man, you know, his dad walked down on him

Starting point is 01:29:58 when he was 13. No way, really? Yeah. In the interview, he was like tearing up over it. Yes. And he kinda paused, he goes, guess you'll never get over it. And I was like, Jesus.

Starting point is 01:30:05 I know. Wow. What a tough, like 13, he's playing with his friends in the neighborhood and his dad just goes, and he never saw him again. No way. That was it, yeah. Wow.

Starting point is 01:30:16 Damn. Thanks a lot folks. Hug your father, hug your mom. Buy the book, we love you. Thank you for listening guys. Thanks for having me. See you in hell. We might be drunk

We Might Be Drunk - Ep 223: The Cold Open with Phil Hanley

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