We Might Be Drunk - Ep 234: Mark Normand & Sam Morril

Episode Date: June 2, 2025

No guest this week, but Mark and Sam are all over the map. They kick things off with Hollywood gossip and late-night mishaps, then detour into veganism debates, tragic car accidents, and why lamp switches are the real enemy. They relive playoff heartbreak for the Knicks and Celtics, share Euro trip highlights from Iceland, and break down why navigating language barriers is harder than ever. Plus, the boys unpack Team America’s genius, rant about drinking culture, and drop some highly questionable Charlie Sheen and P. Diddy stories.   Sponsored by: 💸 Cancel your unwanted subscriptions with Rocket Money https://www.rocketmoney.com/DRUNK 🧘 Chill out: 30% off your first Cornbread Hemp order https://www.cornbreadhemp.com/DRUNKS — code DRUNKS 🎧 Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD 🛒 Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ 🎬 Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets 🎙️ Check out That Sounds Right — the comedy panel show hosted by the producer of WMBD: https://www.youtube.com/@thatsoundsrightshow Produced by Gotham Production Studios: https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com @GothamProductionStudios | Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #RocketMoney #CornbreadHemp #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #BodegaCatWhiskey

A solo app? What are we doing? Hey, I missed it. I missed it. Missed it. Lots to talk about. We don't want some fucking queef from Hollywood buttoning on our convo. Oh, how'd you get started? Who'd you fuck? Do you know Weinstein? Enough. They never know Weinstein. They don't know him. Oh, I met a woman who said she met him and he hit on her on her. Ah, and but he wasn't aggressive Wow, he accepted the shutdown. He was like, I'm sorry interesting. Isn't that weird now? It's funny cuz she probably hides that story like she won't go public with that Yes, that's what you don't want to be the person who's like we didn't write me exactly exactly

His other being he probably did do it to Other women right right interesting well What a start to the episode? Jesus have you seen that montage everybody like Harvey? I love you You're a god and they're all like kissing his fingers and his feet and toes and lips he did He didn't have a working penis. That's what they that's what they said. He didn't have a working penis Yeah, so he had like he'd like a Luke Skywalker like bionic hand type cock or something. What was going on?

He was just eating women out. Oh He was a gentleman. That's a charity. Yeah, it's a good guy Yeah, I heard it was a nub that didn't really work, but then they say that Epstein Hitler and P. Diddy also had a bad egg-shaped penis There you go Yeah, so something's going we got a pattern difficult to live with Hitler and P Diddy also had a bad day. Egg-shaped penis. There you go. So something's going, we got a pan here. Over difficult to live with.

Is this thing on? All right. No, it's a- Overpriced, D&D. Overpriced. Egg-shaped penis. Oh my God. I went to a diner in the village.

It was like a $30 for an omelet. It's crazy. It's fucking, it's getting a little out of hand. It's way out of hand. We went to a diner the other day. It was an omelet with potato. I got a bowl of soup, but I think was like $59, dude And it's like you know it's bad when presidents are being like I'm gonna do something about these eggs. Yeah It all comes out of the eggs

People love eggs well if you can find this story. They're smuggling eggs over the border. Yeah now which is like first of all That's funny, but also it's like the movie sorcery you gotta be careful you don't want to fucking you know the breakable the toughest smuggle of all like a fendle you put up your ass you put an egg up your ass that's gonna crack and make a chicken except for the vibrating egg that's a good thing remember that the vibrant Jim Jeffries bit that was big that egg there it is so our borders smuggling how do they smuggle that shit? Yeah? I mean one sneeze and it's all we did the egg drop challenge remember that egg drop soup

You never do the egg drop challenge. Oh, that's where you uh Oh you drop it from a high thing and you make sure it doesn't I did that yeah design an apparatus That keeps it from cracking and I won mine. Did you? How'd you wrap it? I just went to town. I did like a cushion with a bubble wrap with the- The immigrants are listening right now. With a fanny hose.

How does this go? I won. Yeah, damn. I do love eggs. Oh, I love eggs. When people are vegan, I'm like, but the eggs. I know, I ate two today. But they have like, you know what they have is

like the just egg, but that shit is trash You know whenever they're showing you you know whatever it's look it up. It's like it's like it's like egg beater stuff You just pull it, but it's not real get out of here. It's all imitation Yeah, it's all fake. Oh Gross you know what that shit is it's like you go to the play and you get the understudy, right? That's what the just egg is the understudy at least is good. You still might have a good show good point. Yeah It's a horrible name because you're like I'd rather just an egg. I know what is it real egg eggs from plants No, it's trash

Who was like trying to do the vegan thing for a while and like you get sucked into it like you know Cuz you just try not to be then you be the guy who's just like well I don't want to be difficult right it's annoying that goes we're gonna order from two different places Yeah, then you're like yeah, I guess we have to Cuz then she true is like let me try real pizza, and she was like what the fuck I was like yeah, I was lying to you your shit sucked Your fake cheese pizza was trash. Of course. The only thing they get away with is

like the cashew milk or, you know, oat milk. No, but like that ice cream can still be good. That's true. Like the Van Luen, like that shit, the vegan flavors are pretty good, but that just happens to be good. Right, right. It's one of the rare ones.

Also, it's $17 more for the vegan shit. It's, that's what they don't talk about. It's a luxury to be vegan. It's a luxury the rare ones. Also, it's $17 more for the vegan shit. That's what they don't talk about. It's a luxury to be vegan. It's a luxury, and they act like they're saving the world, but we're adapting to them. Yeah, also, you're saving the world, but you're ruining the hang. You're a bad hang.

And the meal. Inconvenience, yeah. No, I had people over for the game the other night, and I was ordering, my friend's like, you should get a vegetarian option. I'm like, ugh. No, that... Pizza, you usually are safe.

Vegetarian. That's true. But, you know... You can have cheese with a vegetarian. But the vegans with the no cheese, they're taking it, they're taking it... Well, they say it's not ethically done. I agree, but like, you're the weirdo. You should figure your problem out.

We got to adapt to your thing if you're handicapped and I got a I got a stairwell I can't build you a ramp that's a bad example the handicapped person that might not be their fault the vegan guys choose it good point the handicapped guy didn't choose to get hit by a car good point the vegans choosing a wheelchair when you don't need it I was with a guy and he's vegan He was telling me he goes I would I would eat eggs if I had a farm and I knew that the Yeah, how far are we gonna take this? At what point but also doesn't a chicken just shit on an egg. It's not hurting them

I love if I had a farm. It's Manhattan where the fuck's the farm I get out of here farmer what is it all what's that only state farm say there you go like a good neighbor that's the one like an annoying friend I'm gonna ruin the hang yeah no it's fucking the vegan stuff god bless you it's hard I also like when the comics we know do it you're like how the fuck do you do it late at night on like a Wednesday? Crazy, crazy, you gotta carry like a NutriGrain bar or something on you That shit's all bad for you too I think the vegan stuff is bad, like that Impossible Burger, they did the math on that, it's like way worse for you

Than a piece of beef Yeah, probably Yeah, cause you gotta pack it in like the snack wells, like hey these, these are actually fat free, but they're like covered in gluten, sugar. What a shame. My grandparents fell for that shit. I did too. Closet full of snack wells, my grandma's ass. It never looked fatter.

Yes, yes! I mean, it was like, this ain't working! All these poor housewives are getting fatter and fatter eating that devil's food cake bullshit. Yeah, that shit was not... It was not real. No real no no it was pretty good I had a it didn't taste bad yeah everything there's always a new craze every year like have you tried these fig Newtons yeah they're awful they're all they're horrible for you but that's what I was epic with a big news don't even

taste good I don't mind a Newton all right I don't mind a Newton they're in the cookie category You put the fig nude next to an Oreo that you think it's all right. That's a good point. That's a good point I think putting Roseanne next to Heidi Klum But yeah, put that shit in the Hippie-dippy power bar aisle. Yes, the next to a power bars good fine. I guess it's it's whatever Yeah, but you eating a power bar cuz it. Fine, I guess it's whatever. Yeah, but you're eating a power bar because it's like a meal replacement type thing, right? You're eating a Fig Newton is like,

that's like billed as a dessert. What about the Newman's own? Which one? Oh, like Paul Newman? Paul Newman, at least you know it's going to Sickle Cell or whatever. Yeah. Gotta love Paul Newman.

Ah, you gotta love Paul Newman. The lemonade. The lemonade, the spaghetti sauce, the Fig Newtons. What, is he just ripping off other people's products and putting his name on it pretty much charity and his face He was like the Robin Hood of the fucking of the tomato paste aisle. Yeah, all the kids Yeah, his kid. I think killed himself did he yeah, I believe so give that a good Is that a hang gliding accent or did he kill himself? I

Hang like I don't know about that Carson son son or Newman's and died in a hang gliding accident Wow Hang glide that came and went huh, that's uh yeah, that does not look like a good idea How do you look at that thing and think yeah, I'm gonna do that yeah, yeah, we should put vegans on a hang glider What happened bad hang? Motorcycle accident 1978 Oh mark Wait a minute, I think your motorcycle accident in 1978 most painkillers to ease his discomfort Oh, yeah, yeah alcohol drugs Looks like he OD'd okay I'll take it a step further. We're talking hang gliders. What's motorcycles? What are we doing? Yeah, it's a bad idea not

This odds are against you. Especially the guys. They had to pass a law a few years ago in Connecticut so that they would be forced to wear helmets. Wow. Because people were sick of scooping their heads off the side of the road. But they don't want to wear helmets

because they feel the breeze in their face. They like the breeze. Well, me and him like to take a nice little bike cycle around the city. But no helmet. We don't wear helmets. You gotta wear a helmet. You have no excuse.

I gotta protect the bird's nest. You got a fucking iron dome up there. May and Stacey are gonna be wiping your own asses for the rest of your lives. You're not careful. It's not you. It's the other... Because I saw a guy... This is a walking city to me.

Fuck the scooters. You know? So I crossed diagonally through an intersection. I see a guy on a scooter. I see a guy on a scooter. And he looked really angry at me. And the scooters, you know. So I crossed diagonally through an intersection. I see a guy on a scooter. I see a guy on a scooter and he looked really angry at me and I was like, fuck you, it's a walker city. But he gave me one of these and I was like, fuck you, you're in a suit on a scooter. Who the fuck? Go fuck yourself. The suit scooters are a bad combo. The suit scooters, because you're powerful but you're not.

Right, a business scooter. Unless you're like the CEO of scooting. You're kind of a pussy. Yeah. Well, poor Sam's got a fan out there in a wheelchair. He's like, ugh, it's a walking city. I guess I'll never go there. So I was wrong about Carson's son. Ricky died in a car accident while shooting nature photographs.

Oh, man. That sucks. Damn. Well, you can't shoot while you drive, Ricky. That's the problem. Put the camera down while you drive, Ricky. That's the problem. Put the camera down while you're on the gas. That was the texting while driving of it today.

That's true. That's true. There you go. I'm a big texter while driving. Are you? It's like drinking and smoking. They go together. It's like steak and potatoes.

Yeah. It's a good combo. They're good apart, but together, wow. It feels, yeah, because it makes it fly by, right? Flies by, you're getting shit done while driving, I love it. But you can do the voice. That's the key. The voice does help.

Hey, hey, tell Salacuse to wear a helmet. But that's LA people. LA people would just leave you like a minute and a half, and you're like, fuck, now I gotta listen to a minute and a half of this fucking person. Oh, don't do that. Pontificating, no fucking bullshit. You can type it out with your voice, I mean. So it sends a text. I like that. Yeah, that's what I'm doing

I'm doing the LA people always leave you. Yeah, all the LA people I know it's like a long fucking message the worst is you see the guy at the at the park or whatever he's going Take a note too, and he's like well like we all have to hear his fucking Here's why the voice thing so obnoxious you found a way to Take a note too, and he's like, we all have to hear his fucking phone thing. Get out of here. Here's why the voice thing's so obnoxious. You found a way to elongate the voice message. Yeah. So now it's the voice message,

but it's going on and on and go, okay, cool. Here's another one. What are you doing? I know. I'm not listening to your album here, fuck you. That's brutal. I hate it. It's too, and they always,

they never have all their thoughts together. Like, what was that guy? Who played Yoda? Frank Oz, I hate it. It's too and they always they never have all their thoughts together like what was that guy? played Yoda Frank ah that was it boy. He's good It's the rough draft. Oh, yeah, you got to get it together. You got to go like have a fucking Rough draft. It's insane. Yeah, remember that old Craig Baldo joke. I love this I know the the that was a big bit what was he was like listen Elton John he's like

something something then again no he's like I don't want the rough dress yes the fucking song where you recorded on the studio yeah he had some funny shit yeah he was funny he's a sports reporter now or so yeah in Boston no shit mm-hmm funny guy I remember every great bit I heard when I moved to New York

because I remember Leo Allen had that great bit about pet stores. He's like, they say don't go to the grocery store when you're hungry. Don't go to the pet store when you're lonely. Oh, that's great. I'll take all the turtles and I'm gonna name them Elizabeth. Elizabeth. That's good, man. Oh yeah. I remember every Tom Caffrey, McCaffrey bit. I got so many so many good bits my favorite one was uh You pick like I was a pussy when I was a kid So if someone would pick a fight with me I would just give him a time and location that was really difficult to get to oh this oh this guy wants to go You and me

Christmas morning Mount St. Helen. He's like that's kind of hard to get to and he's like you hear this pussy. Oh You want to go you and me Vanity Fair Oscars after party That's kind of a tight list this pussy's not even to get on the list That's a great fucking joke I think I'm still here before but yet the he had the first You know girl and guy give you the the boyfriend girlfriend give you the the hall pass Yeah, you could fuck her and he's like the girlfriend's like George Clooney You know Val Kilber or whatever Nicholas Cage. What about you? He goes the girl from the store Everyone ended up copying that bit completely that's one of those bits that like sounds hacky and retrospect but the first time I heard it

I was like damn, that's good. Damn, that's good. He had the great bit. He's like, I read the Jenna Jameson book. The movie was better. Yeah, it's classic. Quick. Quick. He had good shit, man. Oh, yeah.

Because I couldn't write it. I was so bad. I was so new at comedy. So seeing other people's jokes really inspired me. Also, he would kill in the tough rooms. Oh, yeah. Those were, yeah, dude. I need new jokes.

I was just on a run man I was in a row I did 11 nights on a tour bus and then we're filming a movie while doing it So I'm just like by the end. I'm fucking cranky Sleep-deprived but like some of these venues man the Masonic and SF Fucking SF is that's one of the top comedy some less homeless people to There's still poop, but they were, you know. It's like mice, they're still there. Sure.

But you know, but it was beautiful. It was great. All right, yeah. I saw some, sometimes people tag you and they tag me. Yeah, yeah. So one guy was like, best show I've ever seen. Oh, they were good. You know what my favorite one of the whole run was, I think, was Seattle, the Moore Theater.

Fucking Seattle is just something, something about it. I love that town. by the water down there Vancouver's dicey right now yeah we go outside so you know I'm flying high after the Knicks win they won it's just they were just one game two I'm losing my mind against the Celtics and I go oh yeah there's this is game six Dabi and I some guy tagged us we're running through the street just fucking screaming. That's an amazing photo. I turned to Stavi, I'm like,

should we embrace Seventh Avenue in the madness? And he goes, we must. Yeah, we have to. And we ran out there like, ah! Hell yeah. People were climbing the fucking billboards, just like, it's mayhem, it's like, you know. But yeah, I'm going nuts, I'm so happy.

And then after the show, my tour manager's like, run down to the green room and I'm like, why? And he's like, just run. I'm like, all'm going nuts. I'm so happy. And then after the show, my tour manager's like run down to the green room and I'm like, why? And he's like, just run. I'm like, all right, Jesus. And there's a guy wielding the machete in the alleyway trying to get in. I'm like, all right. Whoa.

Fucking Vancouver, man. It's dicey. Holy moly. Yeah. So give me the Knicks run down. They won the first, lost the second, won the third. No, they won the first two rounds. Oh, against the Celtics, they won the first two, they lost, game three's big,

because if you're up three-oh, you never lose in the NBA. But they won the first two, they lost game three, end up going to game four with my mom, pretty fucking badass. I know, I wish I could have gone. It was pretty damn fun, and then. Did you get any? I did, I fucked my mom, dude.

It was pretty cool. Andy. Look, they put us on the kiss cam. I'm a sucker. No, dude, it was pretty epic. Brunson went off. Tate him towards Achilles. That sucked for the Celtics.

But then, yeah, then I went back for game six with Lil Stavi and then, yeah, we were flying high, man. Walking through the streets, just embracing the fucking, just high-fiving strangers, just loving it. When was the last time they were in this level of playoffs? 25 years. Wow! So now what happens?

Dude, I almost booked a gig in Indy to go to game four. I almost was like, I'll fuck, I booked it. I booked the flight, I booked the hotel, and I got a gig, and then I just was like, what am I doing? I'm so tired. I know I'm so tired though, I'm just like burnt out. I've hit 50 cities already this year,

I'm like what am I doing? My body's like what are you doing to me? You're gonna get a little break though. Yeah, but that's in what, two weeks? We got other shit, no, it would be like next, I mean I don't know when this is coming out, but we're dating this episode right now, but No, I just was fucking that last run just like because we did you know, we're doing the tour bus movie

So then we have the third run that gave us a different bus. So we just couldn't film anything I was like, oh so now I can't shoot so we had to film everything on the fourth one I was just like it'd be like I'd do two shows and I get off and be like oh we got a film till three Oh, and then Vita would be like we need a shot of you like looking out the bus window at 7 I'd be like alright, so I wake up so it was like that for like 11 days, but did you finish? Finish that part. Yeah, yeah, not the whole thing, but yeah, we're getting them. No we still got shit to do No, that's true, but it's no we're getting them. No, we still got shit to do. No, that's true. But it's, no, we're cooking, man. It's in the good.

You're recently single, if that's okay to say. Are you meeting with women? Sure, sure, Howard Stern. Are you? Yeah. Are you meeting women on the road? It's hard on the road because of the bus. I think I wanna do a bit about this

because I think this could be a bit. We were fooling around a little and she goes, I wanna kill you. And I I was like I'll humor this Let's see where this goes so I was like you met Casey She's out there But would you roll the dice I would sleep with one eye open You know you don't have to use plan B with her at least She's like like she's trying to be an influencer some guy threw his life apart for her He like he had he was married me

She'd on his wife with her and then like tried to get his wife to take him back And she was like no you fucking you bang Casey Anthony. Yeah, like what are my friends gonna say? Yeah, I don't know the the influencing is worse than the killing but this guy won't do a joke with this girl says uh she goes I want to kill you and I was like you know I was bowling with it because we're hooking up and I was like yeah and she goes how you gonna kill me and she goes when you least suspect it with a knife I'm gonna stab you a bunch of times and I go yeah you little slut she goes what

did you say I'm, oh I crossed the line That's funny Yeah, but yeah, there's something there maybe but yeah, oh dude. Yeah, we got into a fight on the street We both hammered it was like 4 a.m. I end up at down the hatch a beer pong. I know it That's a good bar great bar and I ended up just like, you know, that's the one tucked away on Greenwich. Yeah Yeah, we end up playing beer pong. I'm bombed. Yeah, we're just like you know that's the one tucked away on Greenwich. Yeah, yeah, we end up playing beer pong I'm bombed. Yeah, we're like you know we didn't leave with all these people we get into a fight in the street and And I was like I it's 4 a.m.. I'm too old for this shit I'm leaving and she was just like she's like screw you and I was like I was like you suck and some guys like

He goes oh Sam around I go this chick sucks sucks and he goes well fuck you suck my dick He says I'm like whoa chill out Those are walking and he followed me the guy So I'm just like in a conversation with him. He's like it's some 20 year old aspiring comic. He's like can I pick your brain? I'm like and I'm like I'm against 4 a.m. And I'm shitface now seems like the right time So I'm like yeah sure so we start walking for like five blocks and I'm bomb. You know what lady good is tapping there. Let's talk it out. We're walking and he's like can I I got a flight like this has been so I don't know what I said I was so wasted he's like this has been so informative like thank

you by the way this is like a meeting in our business yeah like this is this is how stupid our lives are and he's like can I take a picture to commemorate this meeting or whatever? And I was just like, ugh, like fucking hammered. And then I thought of that girl the next day, and she was like, we need to talk about what happened. You ever black out and you just don't know what happened? So I was just like, well, I'm trying to put together what happened because I don't remember. So I'm like, we need to talk about what you said. And she's like, what did I say? I was like, well, we need to I'm trying to like put together what happens I don't remember so I'm like we need to talk about what you said. She's like what I say

I was like you tell me you got to tell me what you said. I don't know. I don't remember shit Yeah, so what'd you say? What was the fight about? I don't know. I just I couldn't pick I couldn't put it together But so funny, I think she wanted to stay out and I was hammered Oh, I think it was like it was like one of those when you're hammered you like don't want to keep but I've been It's also women will fucking feed you shots. Yeah, and they're like, yeah, I'll do it and then they don't do it Yeah, so I'm getting bombed and sure, you know Oh, I doing shots too. That's tough. I end up at all these fucking bars were like you look around you're like I'm the only one with gray hairs here. Yeah, I'm too old to be here. You're also like fuck

Yeah, it's not a lot of people our age at beer pong bars. Yeah. I like that the knife conversation, that wasn't the fight. No. The fight was about staying out. No, I'm intrigued. It's funny, I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about the movie Basic Instinct, and it's basically just like a cop who like is turned on by the fact that this chick might murder him.

Yes, basically. That's like, you get to a kinky place at a certain point where you're like, yeah, fuck it, like, you know, why not? Is there a more rewound scene in American history than this movie? Yeah, but it's hard to jack off to because you keep seeing Newman's face. Every time you see your vagina, you're like, fucking Newman.

Yeah, I had this VHS. This put her on the map, baby. Yeah, but then you have to deal with Wayne Knight's sweaty face Yeah, but you know yeah, no it was hot as she was so hot in this movie So hot I think Sharon Stone be a cool. We don't have enough women on the pod that'd be a cool podcast That's an all-time. She's got stories. Can we get Sharon Stone on she follows Vitor what yes? Sharon Stone's a Gary Vieter fan wow that's amazing I mean she's great in um in a casino too. Oh so good dude. She blows pesci. I know

Damn, she was sexy Yeah, Newman really ruins this it like that like the director was like such an auteur He's like I want to make sure people don't jack off to the scene, and they actually like take it in It's Paul Verhoeven right yes. Yes. It's like a cool like misunderstood director Man Newman had a run in the 90s this Jurassic Park and Seinfeld. He's great. Okay, JFK. He's a great actor Yeah, Wayne Knight. He's really good. Oh They look they show it on YouTube Wait go back you can't see because the, I saw a lip. I saw lip

Damn, that is crazy. Can you imagine like can you imagine getting this script? And it's like and then I show my pussy. Yeah during an interrogation by the way look at the interrogation hole It's like ridiculous looking I never noticed the lip that well. This is the best I've ever seen it Holy shit, so apparently she said she didn't know that shot was gonna be in the movie. Oh. Oh, get outta here. That's what she said. She claimed I didn't know.

And then what's her reaction when it's in it? She said she was shocked. I'll try and find the interview. Now, is that a prosthetic clam or is that the real? I would say it's real because she said she didn't know. Yeah, but she happened to be perfectly shaved. I don't know, seems... Yeah, do they have like, you do hair and makeup,

are they like trimming your pubes? Right, right, yeah, do they powder that bus? Whoa, Newman! You would roll the dice. If the chick's hot enough, you're like, eh, let her kill me, what the fuck? Sure, with a nice pick, why not? Yeah, it's hot.

Oh, man. And it's phallic too, though. Right. Well, Douglas, he was in all the hot sex movies. Oh dude, remember Robert Schimel's joke about from the movie Disclosure with Demi Moore? Yes. He's a joke where she goes, If you don't let me blow you, you're fired. He goes, right then the UFO should start landing, you know?

Yeah, he's in that, the one, Fatal Attraction? Yes, he's in all the- He's in all of them. He's all, my dick makes bad decisions. That's the whole genre. That's a good genre. The Fatal Attraction is just like, don't fuck, crazy chicks. That was basically-

That's the moral of the story. Just don't, you can cheat on your wife Just fucking be smart about it my dick makes bad decisions was that was like me in the 20s or my 20s, you know That's all it was who had that great quote like your dick has taken your places you would you wouldn't go without a gun Oh, wow, it's so true. You know, like I'll go down this dark alley I think that girls on the other side of it Whatever what also just leads to bits like I like I feel like my best bit my best stories in my actor like from just like Following women and in a spin just like a story. Yeah. Yeah, just like you're like, well, let's see where this goes Yeah, my dick led me to a homeless shelter once really I had hooked up with a girl who's staying in a homeless shelter

There you go, yeah. Nice. Again, four in the morning, shit housed. She was like, we can go back to my place, but I'm staying in a shelter. I was like, Kev, shelter. Let's go, step on it. Were there people around you?

We banged in her, on like a cot in a shit hole, and I shouldn't have sne't sneak me in it was crazy Damn, yeah, it was like prove you're homeless Yeah She put like a coat on me and makeup cuz I had to go in the women's section Which is you hear like women crying and screaming. Yeah, how was the smell? It wasn't great It was great. The whole thing was kind of a bummer damn, but I saw the homeless shelter like a week ago Just randomly it's on Atlanta went back for seconds. Yeah

I saw the homeless shelter like a week ago, just randomly. It's on Atlantic. You went back for seconds. Yeah. Yeah. It's on Atlantic and I think Bedford. It's this big armory. It's crazy. But yeah.

Yeah. Imagine women listening to this story being like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? Because I've done it too. I remember like, I went to that girl's place where the guy just showed up. And I mean, that was like a true story where the guy just showed up. And I was like, oh, this guy's the guy just showed up and I was like oh this guy's gonna murder me but

you're like and you know it's a bad situation you know it doesn't sound right but your dick is like it'll figure itself out your penis is so confident yeah that it puts you at ease but this like 95% of female hookups like a woman is like I could die here and right every single one of these that's fair. Yeah Yeah, I was your mind. I'm like I could kill you yeah Yeah, they love that women want to be with a guy who could kill them, but won't yes You don't they don't want to be with a guy who would can't kill them unless you're like a UFC It looks like a female UFC fighter you could beat the shit of the guy but otherwise yeah it's probably uneven that's true yeah female UFC fighter would kill all of us but

I've hung out with UFC guys and I'm like this guy could kill me if he wants oh yeah good point good point I'll roll the dice they're actually the gentlest met on the planet weirdly enough yeah they could kick some ass not all of them one of the one of them beat the shit out of that girl oh really not all of them but and we wonder why we don't have more female guests. We're hopeful. Sharon Stone, we won't beat your shit out of you. Come on in.

We love you. No, she's great, man. She's great, great run of movies that way. Yeah, we need more women. Oh yeah, call in. We have, it is a sausage fest of guests. In our defense, we've tried to book Jessica Kiersten 17 times and. Is she coming on? What tried to book Jessica Kiersten 17 times.

Is she coming on? What happened with that? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. She is harder to find than Amelia Earhart, am I right? I'll tell you. Both lesbians. She had to be a lesbian, right?

I don't know if that's confirmed. That jacket. Yeah, come on. OK. Woo, Earhart. But yeah, we've tried a lot of women. Do women not like us? No, we got Rosebud, we got Rachel, we got Miss Pat, we have recurrent women.

I know, but I wish we had more, just feel like we've tried. Short hair, there it is. That's all I need. What year is that? 2029? Oh wow? Boy, she's a revolutionary, but not doing a great thing for female drivers Yeah, you know just like the earlier is the WMBA. It's like we're not there yet. Yeah Exactly yeah

You ever heard Lisbeth about a he's like I had a female pilot the other day Which is fine what bothered me is she had a female pilot the other day, which is fine. What bothered me is she had a ponytail coming out of the side of her head. And he's like, that worries me. I'm not worried about the female. I'm worried about you. You're too wacky to be with a flying plane. I can't remember the bit.

I hope I'm not spoiling his act. Greg Giroldo had a great one too. Oh. We heard like everyone in the flight heard a woman's voice and they're like, oh fuck, like this is an expensive vehicle buttercup I got some peeves by the way I love I love a good peeve. You've been fucking I mean you've been in Europe. I want to hear about it, dude Oh, yeah

Europe is amazing by the way. We had a great time I'm going off your extra where I go because I want to do another Euro trip. I mean, Iceland, holy shit. The pictures you're sending me were crazy. That was number one. That was the first spot, so it was hard to beat. Why was it number one? It's just because we've all been to England.

We've been to the UK, Ireland. It's not that different. It's drunks. It's fun people. It's whatever, bad food. But that's the Palladium, which the way, which is like their Carnegie Hall. Gorgeous. Unbelievable.

Wait, where is this? The Palladium in London. Yes, that's like Lenny Bruce played there. Yes, yes. Legendary. Right in the heart of the city, too. Beautiful. That's in Birmingham.

No one cares. But I don't know where that was. Gorgeous. I love those old bars, the Hatchet Wound. That's a good time. But yeah, that's in Iceland. I don't know where that was. Gorgeous. I love those old bars, the Hatchet Wound. That's a good time. But yeah, that's an Iceland. So Iceland was first.

It's otherworldly. It's all volcanoes and glaciers. They call it the city of fire and ice, Reykjavik. And it's incredible. All the rocks are big and black and like they got this crazy- And hard and throbbing. Yeah, big vein but this this is like one random it's all Viking shit and you can feel it in

the air and the people are big and blonde and man buns and the food is weird reindeer and all this shit have you eaten reindeer I ate reindeer yeah I had fucking whale in Norway I was like I'll try it once. Oh, well, you're single now. So. But yeah. So, yeah, we just had a hoot and a holler. But you get pissy on the road because your your your creature comforts

aren't there. Yeah. So like, first of all, you don't have drip coffee. There's no drip coffee anywhere outside of America. Flat white. You got to go flat white or Americano, which I hate.

I know you do feel like an American piece of trash because I have the same problem. I'm used to just like drip drip coffee and with, you know, a splash of whole milk. Yeah, but it's the best. You go to a diner, you get the the lady with the pencil in her ear, report. They can't do that. They must look at that as just garbage. I guess I think. Yeah, but do down. I'm They must look at that as just garbage. I guess. I think, yeah, but dude, I'm the same way.

I'm traveling, I go to every airport, you get a coffee, and you're like, flat white, like I don't even know what this shit is. I'm drinking it, it's all milk. It's all milk. It's all milk, so then you got to get an espresso if you want to just have the coffee, but then you're just drinking this fucking tiny dip. Yeah, I like what I like. Yeah, and it behooves you to have multiple different. You know it's an international city. Give me some drip

We show up to Europe. We're like I'd like it Dunkin Donuts Would it kill you to have a Dunkin Donuts? Yeah, well I took a stand after a while like we have Americano, and I would walk out I just couldn't do it anymore. I hate America. I don't like Americano, and it's named after us I know so we're gonna name it after us get the trip must be Italian American Yeah, you know what it is. Well, I know the history of it. It's from World War two When our soldiers went over there and they served us espressos. Uh, we're like, where's the coffee? They're like, this is it They're like add water to it. Is that right? And they call that Americanos because we were American

So yeah, it is American I guess yeah. Well, they steal all our movies and music get the drip just deal another thing I remember Richard Jenny's of a joke how we Americanize all their stuff about how they have the croissant We we go eat your croissant with your fat piece of shit. Oh, that's funny, but dude. Yeah, I I do miss like that's like the most basic shit. I miss when I'm in Europe and same with Australia They don't do just drip. They don't do drip, so get the drip. That's an American thing. Yeah, I bet it'll catch on if they bring it over there. I love Diner Coffee.

Me too. I mean, that was one of my favorite things about the road is when you just show up at like a spot, you just get like five cups. Yes. They just keep filling you up. Keep filling you up with old days. You didn't even drink coffee when I met you.

That's true. I was blown, Mark was like a guy who was like, I was like a comedian who doesn't drink, our hours are so fucking wacky. And it helps a hangover like a motherfucker. I'll tell you what's helping that hangover is that fucking cold plunge baby. Oh. Not too bad.

Yeah, I gotta set that up. That and some coffee, I'm fucking back baby. Although I was down for the count on Sunday, I was fucking out. After the fight? I was supposed to look at places with Stavi and I was like, buddy, I'm not, I can't move. And he was like, I get it. He was like, I know.

I've been there. But I was like, I can't, and I had to go to fucking Brooklyn to see family. And I was like, am I gonna puke in this cab ride to Brooklyn? What's your move? Cause we're getting older. Yeah.

I'm being a forties now. When I'm dead hung over, I'm like, I'm praying cab ride to Brooklyn. What's your move? Because we're getting older. Yeah. I'm in my 40s now. When I'm dead hungover, I'm like, I'm praying to God. I'm on my knees. I'm like, please take this away from me. I need some help. So I do coffee, big meal, like big greasy meal. What's your order? A huge shit.

I'll do like the classic, like the lumberjack. Give me eight eggs, a sausage, bacon, potato, pancake. Go nuts and eight coffees. Chinese food's always good. Spicy, I like spicy when I'm hungover. Yeah, coffee, some fucking Chinese food. A big dump really clears you out. Yeah. That helps.

I like all that, yeah, that's kind of the move at this point, you just kind of have to accept it. It's at the point where it's like, yeah, like all that. Yeah, that's kind of the move at this point. You just kind of have to accept it It's that worth the point where it's like yeah, that's that's that Yeah, it'll and also it's like in you for a couple days. We're just like you're just like sad. Yeah It'll be like two days later. I'm like, why am I sad? Yeah the anxiety Flushin dude. It's also I'm not I can't drink with people that do shots anymore. I need I know I have a system I know what I can drink. I know how to pace myself.

I also, I got trapped in a bar the other night because the rain just came down. I was like, I guess I'm drinking until this rain stops because I don't want to walk home in this shit. And I did. And that was another fucking mistake. Wow, that's hilarious. Why'd you hit that woman?

It was raining. I was stuck. So Reykjavik is incredible. It's incredible. Me and Sean Murphy, first of all, the show is bananas. The crowds are incredible. No one goes there, I guess. And then.

How big is Reykjavik? What's the population? I'd say like 400K, something like that. It's like a village. And we went to the the sauna this is called the sky lagoon it's on top of a mountain it's 15 minutes outside the city it's one of those things you don't like you're like should we do this i'm kind of lazy and i'm so glad we did it there's a bar behind me there's a bar edged into the rock where you can sit in the water

the water is very warm and the air is freezing i love that shit and you can sit in the water. The water's very warm and the air is freezing. I love that shit. And you can sit, I drank a couple beers at the bar, nursed the hangover. Then you do a cold plunge. Then you do a sauna. Then you cover yourself in this milky, salty shit that exfoliates you. From the big black thing. Yeah, exactly.

And then you get back in the sauna and you kind of like marinate in this stuff. And it goes into your skin, it feels all good. Then you shower, then you go back in the sauna. It's incredible. Wow. It was so cool. What a day.

I highly recommend it. I wanna do it. Yeah. And then what about, where else did you hit? So then we went to England, Birmingham, Bristol. Bristol's where Banksy's from. So we went to all the old Banksy's on the wall. Like back when he was like an open micer.

Oh that's a great, what was that one back there? Was that Amsterdam? No, that was London, that's Birmingham. Oh, okay. Bristol, one of the, Bristol's cool. It's kind of like Madison, it's a college town, but it's very artsy. Cool.

And Russell Howard is from there, Steve Merchant's from there, Banksy's from there. Oh shit. Yeah, so it's like a very art town. I've never been. But Cardiff is in Wales. So we took a train from Birmingham to Cardiff. So you gotta, Wales is like its own thing.

They call themselves, they're like, we're not English, we're Welsh, fuck you. Yeah. And it's kinda like Long Island, where they're fatter, uglier, drunker, thicker accent. It was so fun. The women look like whores, they're covered in makeup, caked in makeup, crazy. Like Bozo the Clown.

And the crowd was great, but you can't even understand these people. The accent is so thick. We show up, we took a train, it was like a three hour train ride. Yeah, I'm hungover, whatever. Hour one, hour two, hour two and a half, all these people come on the train. They're all shit-faced, all these women are like, bye, good day, mate, scoot over, you f***ing man. You're like, Jesus Christ, what's all this about?

There was a rugby game in town. Oh, no. So all the yokels from the outside towns were going into Cardiff. Look at that, that was a Saturday night. That was me and Stavros. And, no, I'm just kidding. But, uh... Damn. We were there on a Friday, we showed up, there's a rugby game going on, Look at that! That was a Saturday night! That was me and Stavros. No, I'm just kidding.

Damn. We were there on a Friday, we showed up, there's a rugby game going on. And the whole town was abuzz. Every fucking pub was full. It was like 11am. It was crazy. And the show was killer. And we just walked around with people watching at night. And got a donor. You know, donor.

Oh, kebab? Yes. I love a good kebab. Love it. Love it. That's big out there. Oh, yeah. That's the way of the Brits and I guess the Wales as well. Yeah. Yeah. So then we left there, went to London,

and London's just fucking great. London's awesome. Awesome. It feels like New York. So how many places did you hit? Was that it? Then I did Scotland, then Glasgow. How was that?

Killer. Glasgow's great. But again, they heckle you. And it's just guy who sounds like groundskeeper Willie's I know You're like what I don't know That's what happened to me in Belfast. So I'm Larry right. I was like, huh? Oh you did Belfast. Yeah Oh, that's where I ended. That was great. You get the pizza. I Did that guy's great one to the room? It's great. Yeah, thank you, sir. Flouse Great pie. What do you make you a New Haven style? Sicilian actually which was a little much. Yeah, but I ate it before the show and after the show dude. Yeah, Belfast is cool and

Yeah, but the heckling like I can't understand a fucking word no no, we just they're like we just said Jeff R. Curry. He he couldn't do the crowd And then you're like, can they understand me I can't understand them So how are they so you're like so I was at the mall You're trying to really enunciate. No, like this guy can't we don't hear a word he's saying. What the fuck is this? Yeah, no, I gotta do another, I mean, you're smart. You hit a lot of places I didn't hit. I was like, maybe I go back and do something like that, because I just love the change of scenery

and I love mixing it up. So yeah, I'm thinking maybe end of some point, but we gotta fucking film this movie too, so we'll see. We'll see what happens. Well, oh, that's right, yeah, good point. But it's- We're gonna have to end up canceling, either way, we're gonna have to end up canceling gigs,

we'll reschedule them. We can always go back, yeah, we get this movie, we gotta get done. We're gonna make it. You know how Hollywood is or whatever, it doesn't, if you don't just do it, it'll just, oh, I have a meeting about the next time we shoot, then another meeting, and then a clan meeting,

and that's too much. Oh dude, it's like, you know, we got Yom Kippur's right around the corner, like I think it's a few months away, and they're like, then another meeting, and then a Klan meeting, and it's too much. Oh dude, it's like, you know, we got Yom Kippur's right around the corner, like I think it's a few months away, and they're like, and after that, MLK? I'm like, that's a year, that's about a year, you just said. Exactly.

They take the longest, I swear to God, if those, Memorial Day turns into three weeks with these people. I've never seen, if I, these people go on fucking, you know, five maternity leaves, they have two kids. It's fucking amazing. If you follow any of these people on Instagram, they're always in Turks and Caicos, right? They're always on vacation and we're just like what no wonder shit never gets done

I know cuz all we do is work and all these people do is fucking play they play and then they're like Oh, we have to go down to scout like they'll make a meal out of like we're scouting this location And that means we're gonna be in Miami for four months. Yeah, wait what? That's crazy send a guy. It was a fun place to scout. Yeah, always never Like I got a I got a pop in the Gaza for this new movie It's always fucking South Beach, dude You know, it's amazing cuz I have a thing I'm trying to develop and it's like they're like I'm like the meetings Three and a half weeks away. They're like that's really good for them. And I'm like, that's good

Meanwhile, this thing I'm just making is so satisfying because I'm just making it and I don't have to wait on anyone except my friends who are like, you know, your friends will do you favors. They'll be like, whatever you need. I'll bend over backwards. Like, you know, so the same way we do favors for friends, you know, with comics,

we're so used to doing shit work for like nothing right that if it's your friend you're like, yo Gladly, I don't give a shit sure. I know but they don't they don't have that. You know, that's why it's crumbling You know why it's crumbling, but it's amazing any movies been made. I see a movie now I'm like, how did that get done? I know but just think it's probably four years in the make Oh every story you hear it's like it took seven years to get done I'm like, well, maybe that should be an indictment on the system and not a positive story exactly I remember the comic strip they used to have a thing the comics from comedy club they used everything like Chris Rock we used to make him wash dishes for stage time here

I'm like maybe you shouldn't be bragging about that maybe you should have recognized that this guy had a lot of talent right well it took Eddie Murphy to go put this guy on right so you like it proves your Point you need a friend or wash dishes or clean shit. Whatever it was I don't remember But I know you to move chairs Sam who gave you a break early a break. I don't think I don't know any one person I mean there's someone being like Jeffries used you yeah, no I mean it was a bunch of people I think but that's my point. It's not one person. It's not a break It's not like in the movies with a like kid you got I mean right right you know that's rare in moment. Yeah, yeah, Weinstein. Yeah, you gave me a back rub

Yeah, my fucking asshole, dude. I don't have a pussy, but he's you know he he sounds like a hell of a guy Yeah, good good good good Well, you know Candace Owens whole thing is that he's innocent. She's doing oh really she's doing a whole thing about he's he's completely innocent We're like okay. I mean well. She's got some Kanye in her where she's like I'm not gonna wear a Klan hood But I'll say the crazy thing you know and that'll be my move. Yeah, we're talking about it right exactly so it works Yeah, once you heard it here guys Weinstein's innocent and there you go what uh all right? I got some peas I want to hear some peas. How about this if your idea of budgeting is crying into a poorly organized Spreadsheet let rocket money do the hard work for you

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me go back and edit it and fix the spelling spelling some guy goes He has to comment saw that oh I saw the edit oh and all right the old word that you misspelled like the way you spelled it You're like. What are you getting out of it? I used the wrong there. I didn't strangle a hooker What is this? This is your day? You're like like my third grade teacher with a red line, like, wah, see me after class, no, I just spelled it. I caught it and I re-spelled it. Get out of here. It's the same type of person who writes first. Oh, yeah.

This is, you need attention. That at least is not like needling. He's just like, I'm first. It's still sad and the guy's a loser. But the spelling guy, you're like, what are you doing? Yeah, it's a weird one. I think you're like what are you doing yeah it's a weird one I think they feel like they're special like I got you I caught it yeah now what I've been doing and I probably shouldn't give away my secrets but I've been putting fuck ups on purpose for the engagement for the engagement I put a

I'm doing port chest all your fans think you're a retard Guys dumb as shit. They already thought that I've been putting I'm going to port Chester, and I was like where's port Chester, and it's like right above the Bronx So I go hey, I'm going upstate everybody and every single cop you could pull this up on my Instagram every single comment It's like that's not upstate you idiot. Hey upstate. What are you crazy? 10 feet above the Bronx you retard, and I'm like great keep them coming. I bet that show sells out damn that that's a cool venue to isn't it? What's it called again? I don't know I played that one. It was cool. It's a theater. Yeah, no It's an ad it's an ad I made on Facebook, but every comment is literally like fucking smart. It's not upstate It's working.

God damn. No one cares about the ads. How about this one? More peeves, I like it. How about the guy who can't accept a compliment because he's doubling down on how I should be thanking him more? Well, I'll give you an example. You go, hey man, that was a really good layup you did.

He goes, yeah, it's me. Of course it was a great layup. I'm doing the layup. I'm good layup you did. He goes, yeah, it's me. Of course it was a great layup. I'm doing the layup, I'm the layup guy. And you're like, I'm just giving you a compliment. Now I'm like, I know, I know you're the layup guy. So like you couldn't take the compliment. You had to like triple down on it.

So now I'm like blowing you even more. I hate that guy. Just take the compliment or don't. That's Gary with food. I'm like, this is a good meal. He's like, I'm the fucking meal guy. He does that. And no, no way that I fucking pay for the fucking $500 meal and everyone's like Gary. Thank you so much

Thank you so much Thanks for picking this Such a good job choosing. Yeah, of course I do This is my thing. I'm like I know just saying it's a good it's a good meal. Yeah it's like their ego is so big yeah they can't even accept the compliment. He's almost mad at me for complimenting him as if he's like yeah you didn't expect this. I'm the I'm the best. Yes yes I'm like I got it I got it I'll never compliment you again. So that guy. That's a good peeve these are good peeves. All right I got one more. And they're specific. I wonder if I have any., I've been gone in my head for so long

So you're just really know take it in the world, but uh, and this is an object Enough and see if you can find this I'm putting it into this Let's put this to bed the lamp where the flip switch is on the cord. Oh You know what I mean, we got a lamp on this table there's a cord going down to the wall and you got to follow the cord like a fucking I love that yeah magician with the strings or the rope that's a great peeve no I'll take it a step further when there's like a weird random light switch somewhere on

the table oh that's like a little light you can't find I had to call the front desk and be like I'm sorry but like where I can't turn the light it's like right in my eye it's like a sharp yes like what where is this and she goes we get this call the time it's right I'm like well then maybe fix it maybe change the switch enough with this bucket who was

it wasn't her decision stupid bitch you know I'm on your side. I'm like, oh, sorry. Yeah. I also hate the lamp you have to touch to turn on and off. Oh, because that takes a while to figure out. You're like, did it do it? Yeah, it's like the clip.

Was that too much? Jesus Christ. What the hell is going on? Exactly. At least the lamp I can see. But the cord. I mean, honestly, I couldn't find either without calling for help. But the cord thing, the cord tends to be behind the couch, behind the table, so I'm doing

a capper neck, I'm on one knee and I'm like a kid in a cave trying to find my way out with the rope. It's fucking brutal. Yeah it's like goonies. It's goonies, put it right here. Dude I got a peeve and it's a positive but then it turns into a peeve. I love a woman who's never on the phone. It's such a positiveve. And it's a positive, but then it turns into a peeve. I love a woman who's never on the phone. It's such a positive thing.

She's never on the phone, she's never checking, but then here's the peeve. They never answer their texts! Because they never check their phone! You can't have it both ways. So that's, I got another one. That's good. So then here's the other one.

I mean, this is, you ever have someone just explaining again and again to you, like how something's bad for the environment, and I mean, this is, you ever have someone just explaining again and again to you like how something's bad for the environment and they do like a 15, they'll give me like a 15 minute spiel on like, we're on the tour bus, the vent, they're like, you gotta close the vent when you're sleeping. You know that little vent that gives you air?

Yes. And you're like, oh, okay, though you gotta close that vent when you sleep. You don't want that in your face. I'm like, why? And they give me like a 10 minute speech on pollution, how all it's the bad stuff in the road. And finally I was just like,

finally I was like, yeah, I like, it's a cool breeze in my face. I like it. I'm keeping it on. Keep it on. I kept that, it was hot in there. So I got the pollution in my face for 11 days. So it wasn't like a climate change thing.

It was like you're taking in bad. It's unhealthy. It's probably rotting my skin, but you know what? It was a cool breeze. I liked it You need the breeze. I like a cool breeze. I'm with you This is America. Let me put pollution up my ass. I think I think the peeve is just people who worry too much Yeah, I guess eventually their Boundaryless anxiety is pushed onto you and I'm like, I don't care right? I don't give a fuck, right?

I'm already on a road diet sleeping on a tour bus. I'm like, I don't care. Right. I don't give a fuck. Right. I'm already on a road diet, sleeping on a tour bus. I'm already unhealthy. Exactly. Exactly. Things are already like, who gives a fuck about some air? Yes, yes. So maybe the poison I'm drinking every night is the worst problem.

Hey, poison we're selling. Yeah! The David Kat whiskey, baby. Good poison right there. Everyone's saying that young people aren't drinking. But I got to tell you, I'm walking around the city. The bars are packed. Bars are full

I completely agree. You know I think it's less like I think it's a less social You know the kids can't get together because they can't make eye contact I had a thought the other day and tell me where you're at on this there fatty Bands are gonna go away Okay, people aren't hanging people aren't hanging you need to, two drop off. You get into a garage for nine hours, just ding, ding, tak, tak, hitting the drums and all that shit. That's going away. Because hey, why would I practice in a garage

when I can just look at TikTok? And I got to have the dynamics of a personality where you guys don't gel, but you got to make up again. That's all going to go away. And technology is going to come in. It's already in. You know, I get a bass board or an electric whatever, you know, I can make up all the sounds on my laptop. Why would I learn the guitar or the drums?

Yes, the people just have a fucking AI keyboard type thing and you're like, I'll fucking I'll just sing and I'll use the AI. Exactly. But there's no draw, although now the drama instead of like slash and Axel having beef, it's like you and a fucking robot Yeah, we couldn't make it work. He was too fucking stiff. Yeah, my battery died I couldn't find an outlet. Yeah, so that's I think bands are gonna go away That's my theory. I think people still need entertainment and people still will you know

I think people still will learn like I think it's cool when a parent Pushes an instrument on a kid as long as they're not like a crazy it's like discipline it teaches you like so I think that's cool so and then maybe early on you realize that the kid is a prodigy I think I think people will still love music I don't think bands will ever go away for real. I think people love music but I think convenience always wins so I think people are gonna tend to go to the music what do you call that thing those boxes they make like Reggie Watts thing, you know? It just makes up, it's like a drum machine or whatever.

Or a laptop where they'll just make beats and they'll make, I'll just put a guitar in, you know? I'll put a guitar sound right here. I don't need to actually play the guitar, learn the guitar, be in a band with a guy with a guitar. Yeah, you like learn, it's easier to learn software than an instrument. Yes, yes, exactly. I know you, man.

I watched the Avicii doc, you see that? What's that? Woo! He's a DJ, and I hate DJs. I hate techno, I hate all that shit. But the doc is fascinating. This guy, he's made songs that are huge, and we all know them, and I didn't know he made them.

Wow. So he's like a fucking legend this guy, but he killed himself because he was depressed. I feel like a lot of DJs kill themselves. Yeah. Or OD, I think it's these crazy hours. Yep, yep, exactly. Yeah, you're partying late.

I mean, and also like, think about like, we have to kind of be connected. You can get fucked up as you're, I mean, you have to still be like. Good point. But you can just get like, think of all the uppers are probably on to to like be doing that shit till 5 a.m And then you can't just go to sleep No, I think about how wired we are after a set right if you get off work at 5 a.m

What are you going to bed at like 10 a.m.? Yeah, also we hit the booze Maybe these guys doing Molly coke meth crank ketamine all this shit cuz drug scene, it's the party scene, it's the rave, it's techno. But the guy's a genius. Is it a wreck? Oh yeah, I'll wreck it. That wasn't my wreck, but I'll wreck it. Just as an artist or a comedian, it was fun to watch this guy just spiral into hell. Nice.

Very good. Nice. I got to peeve. Please. Okay. The you never know guy. I Got peeve please okay the You never know guy. Oh Yeah, yeah, you know what you'll never get attacked by an old Asian lady on the street. You never know That's enough of that. Yeah, I'm with you Hope you get attacked by an old Asian lady on the street

You give her one can you're fine but yeah no that is annoying because it's it's just negates everything you just said. You never know yeah Gary Goldman had a great bit back in the day sometimes you know. Right right what was that one he goes uh hey Gary it up. He's like actually it only adds up if you add it up Yes, at least some guys got great jokes, but my rec is the Nathan Fielder new rehearsal It's amazing. Hey man. This guy is on another level He's like he makes me feel like a fraud as a as a comedic person He's so yeah, he's amazing and like weird and abstract and I'm sure not everyone gets it but if you get it it is you have to see season one to see now not at all I'm gonna check it out have to watch Nathan for you first may I love that

show you love it already I love Nathan for you right into this but if you if I just said to someone who's never seen that watch this they'll be like I'm lost this is too insane sure it's so out out of pocket. Yeah You don't have to watch the first season But you have to know who he is and what he does things you can pull comedy from it's it's really impressive like this guy the fact that he's even famous is also crazy because he's so different and I could see a Pitch meeting going real south with this guy. I pitch shit that's way more mainstream beer like that's

horrible but he's just this guy's is such a brilliant comedy mind. He's also so good at not breaking like I would love to see the behind the scenes footage because you know we break sometimes. No it's not because occasionally he's got to meet someone who's just so weird. But yeah, the way he just stays I mean when he has the nail salon with the valet Yeah, I mean shit like that where you're just like, oh my god, like he he just stays fucking Lot it's like when we would do morning TV and you're like just don't fucking break

I think a guy's like this or like guys like Sasha Baron Cohen Yeah, they what he would do and but he's just so unique and like, just don't fucking break. I think of guys like this, or guys like Sacha Baron Cohen, that every day what he would do. But he's just so unique, and like, oh, I wrote another joke about ball sacks, and then this guy's doing this crazy, abstract, original humor. All right, all right, but yeah, that's my big record.

This season tops the first season, I think, by far. And they're both great, what I'm just saying. This one is on another level. So yeah, big rec, and the studio, I'm loving that show too. I gotta give it a watch. Yeah man, my rec is, dude, we just watch a lot. I mean, it's obvious, but we've been watching a lot of just classics when we're on the bus late at night.

We've rewatched South Park, Bigger Longer. Oh yeah. It's the best. Can't beat it. It's incredible. It holds up, whatever, 25 years later, so hard. It's like- They don't make enough good comedies anymore.

No. Rewatch it, it's so good. If you haven't seen it, definitely watch it. The fact they just went balls to the wall to make it a musical. Yeah. And the fact that every song is hilarious and also good. Yep. And it fact that every song is hilarious. Yep.

And also good. Yep. And it's like a David Tell where it's dirty but smart. I love it, yeah. You know? Oh, it'd kill me. Team America would say the same thing. Agree.

They know what they're doing. Obviously they have a sex scene between two puppets, but they're heightening it and making it really long on purpose. So good. They're pros, those guys. Pause it for a sec. I got another peeve when people, you remind me of another peeve, when people will show

a video of some actor who's older now, who's been out of the spotlight, they're like, look how old he is. That's how fucking time works. That's where the New York Post will do that shit all the time. Yes, yes. Or I saw an In Touch magazine and they're like, look how old Jack Nichols it is.

You're like, yeah, he's 80. He's 88 or something, he's fucking old. Well, what are we doing here? Yeah. I love when they do the, they're aging gracefully. You're like, no, he looks like the Crypt Keeper. We all know that, but just let the man die. He's awesome.

He met his match. I mean, this is like the Nathan, but from the convenience store side. Right, right. That's fucking crazy. There's almost like a little Christa Stefano in that guy. He's like, I drink some pee. I drink some fucking pee.

Yeah. It's great. It's good stuff. Right, right. God, drinking pee would be fucking bad. You ever tasted it? I must have. I've tasted it. It is a weird sour tang that is unmatched. Sounds

kinda good. It's bad. It's bad. Did you drink pee? Well we had no running water, no plumbing in our house when we moved in so we'd have to pee in cups. And so one time I peed in a cup I left it out and I was like what is this, apple juice? And I took a swig and I went oh I forgot I pissed in this cup five hours ago. I did the same thing with cum. We ran out of yogurt and I was like, what is that, fucking, what is that, Siggy's? I just fucking chugged my own cum.

It was fucking horrible. Greek yogurt. But yeah, man, that was the gag back in the day. You'd be like lemon lime Gatorade, remember? You'd just pee in it. I guess I'm gonna try to drink it. Yeah, well, pee is a weird tint to it. It's like an orangey almost it's not good now. It's not good Every pee in the morning you're like damn this piss is way too dark. Yeah, what is that? I think I've got to drink more water drinking enough water your piss should be clear

Clear clear enough water that it's clear clear wow now it's not my pee is not clear no my pee is my pee is like Donald Trump skin fucking no nutrients in there yeah dehydrated well I drink too much coffee too coffee'll get to diuretic but it's a dude I fucking caught I drink so much since I've been back I was on the road and by the end of the run, I'm just like, you're just like, I'm tired. I'm just gonna do two shows. I just start pounding whiskey.

I'm just like, fuck it, I'll just get drunk. And the shows end up, I make it through the shows because I'm like feeling, you just have to manage those, the highs, the lows, like coffee before, booze during, then you crash. But then you come back and you're like, oh my God, I'm home, I gotta get fucking hammered. Yeah.

You know, and there's always someone, that's the thing about our jobs, there's always someone out who's willing to drink with you. Boy, you got that right. You ever, where you at on drinking on a plane? I try not to, cause it's for work, but God, it's good. It's so good, they bring it to you, it's a bar in the sky, basically.

And it tastes better, like you ever have a Bloody Mary on a flight? It's something about tomato juice in it to you. It's a bar in the sky basically and it tastes better like you ever have a bloody Mary on a flight something about tomato juice in the air. That's true. It's so good. Also, dude. You're just like I Don't know just get like a jack and coke on a flight. Oh, yeah something so damn you feel so damn American You feel American you feel like Draper. Yeah, it is nice And I think imagine we'd still smoke on there and slap the get a seagroms and soda. Yeah I know like when I watch a movie. Yeah I haven't ever drank on a plane. Does it hit different? Yeah. Yeah, it does you cry. Oh, yeah cry on the ground

But also when you look good when you land you're in like this euphoric Boozy buzz where you land you're like whoa, I'm ready get that uber you know like it's not it's not a chore It's a chore later when you're at the hotel And you're like if I fly into a gig at the night early It's very hard not to have a couple on there it is but I mean I'll mix it up sometimes I'll just be like fuck it. I'm gonna get like a random drink I know I'll get like a vodka soda splash a crayon. I'm like let me fucking mix it up a little bit. Yeah, why not? You're 10,000 feet I'll get a fucking screwdriver. I'm like what the hell why not? I love a screwdriver. Yeah, what that is?

I'm gonna just mix it up Cuz you think about the shit you drank when you were a kid You know, like that's what you drink when you get like that shitty ass vodka. Yeah, I'm just mixed it with OJ We're like, oh we're getting oh my god Fuck it's me ever make some sangria when you were young? Oh man, when I was first moved here, 2007, 2008, I was like 22, 23, I worked at the New York Film Academy and the guy who was my, what do you call it,

my upper senior, he's like my- Your supervisor? Supervisor. Yeah. He was a big booze bag. So he would go, once I was there like a year and he felt comfortable with me, he was like, you wanna pop out for lunch?

And get two beers each at Shades of Green. You know Shade of Green on 16th Street? Cause the New York Film Academy was on Park Ave and whatever, 18th. So we'd go to Shades of Green, we'd chug two pints and it was just the right amount where you're not stumbling at work But you're like, ooh, man, I'm feeling good. I'd be typing like whoo-hoo Life's alright, you know, it's 23 years old. It was great. But when you hit that right buzz, oh, that's that is a cool bar

That's the one when you get that right buzz and you're just like fucking but then the problem is maintaining that exactly That's I mean that movie, Another Round, I think I love that movie. I gotta watch it. You gotta finish it, it's so fucking good. One of my faves. But yeah, maintaining that buzz, that's the issue. It's like, it's a fucking dance.

I'm just being out, like, you know, I'm at the game, I'm like fucking, you know, having a few scotch and sodas. I'm like fucking, you know, I'm like, oh, I'm feeling good. But then the Knicks start losing. Yeah. Not in this game. This game, I didn't even drink at this game.

I was flying high. I was on, that was the one night last week I didn't drink. Right. But I was at a game, the other game, and I'm just like, and then the Knicks start losing. I'm like, start pouring a little heavy. Yeah. Then we come back.

I'm like, we're coming back. I start pouring a little heavier. What the hell? Any reason and pour. Yeah, any reason. You can pour on a good pour on a bad that's problem with booze So what the great thing about booze? I love yeah something about a scotch and soda just Easy to get fucking bombed on we goes any scotch and ginger to is another all with that yeah, whiskey ginger Santino Oh, yeah, that's right. It was good ginger. Yeah drinking is fun drinking's great But I don't you feel like you've mastered it as an adult like we drink so much we blacked out so much

I mean I did until over the weekend every once in a while I have a slip up and I you need that every now and then it's when shots come into the equation that's what I'm just Drinking regularly I'm fine, but when people start point. It's always that one fucking push like come on I'm gonna do it yeah, and I got to just be smart enough to be like well. I'm not I know But once the one person's an idiot and then of course they disappear sometimes Yeah, and then you're just like what happened to them right, but I'm stuck feeling like shit now You know what else sucks about shots shots are always a problem But when there's rules with it like if somebody'll give me a shot. I'm like whoa and he goes you gotta wait for me

Do the shot or like they do this shit oh no we did the table tap move it's too much I was in a bar and some guy walked up to me I guess he likes our pod and he just it was like a young kid he must be like 24 or something he takes a Guinness he puts it here and he goes and just chugs it in front of me God bless him yeah, have fun out there kids, but we do that drink to drink I know well It's like the huge that they're at the age where they can do that and back but dude It's like those guys who put ice in their mouth when they eat pussy Pussy's fine So then uh yeah, I'm at need the ice. That dude doesn't help anything.

So then, yeah, I'm at the cellar, they're bringing us shots, they're like this big. And I'm like, they think, they're like, we're hooking you guys up, and I'm like, you're killing me is what you're doing. You're going to kill me. Yeah, hook me up with a colostomy bag, an IV tomorrow, and a handy.

Oof, and then, not to mention the diarrhea. Yeah, the diarrhea. People don't mention the diarrhea, but when you get to a certain age, it's like, eh, get the runs. It's true, it's true. It's not to mention the diarrhea. Yeah, the diarrhea. People don't mention the diarrhea, but when you get to a certain age, it's like, eh, you get the runs. It's true, it's true. It's not good. It's bad, it's real bad.

And my shits the next day are like Flint mixed with ink mixed with soft serve. It's a horrible combination. It sounds kind of tasty at the end. Soft serve, I could go for some soft serve. But it's like the blackest thing you've ever seen and I've you know I've been to a spike Lee movie in the early 90s Yeah, no, it's it just it sits in the toilet like like pudding. It's not there's no form to it all right We're getting too great. It's bad. Yeah, why don't we have more female guests? Yeah?

We need some women Sharon Stone I love like I love that we went from like we can't get any women like we should get Sharon Stone Yeah, it's a good point. That was our logical next step We should get we should get one of the we should get one of the biggest actresses of all time We can't get any women you know who I'd like to have on Katherine Zeta Jones. Can we get her? Can we get metal at all, bro? Is she alive I think she just died Just just died. Yeah, I pay mark dream guess back from Europe working on any new stuff out there

Well, that's the problem everybody goes. Oh you went came to. You must have all this gold but uh, I got one bit Idea that I think I told you about on the phone. I tried it last night. It did. Okay Maybe we could punch it up because it needs more but I'm pretty gluten intolerant. Yeah, you know and so Certain shit, you know has gluten and bread pizza croissant. all right, it's obvious. But gluten is also sneaky. It's in beer, it's in soup, it's in all this other shit, we don't know it. And I go, it must be what an anti-semite feels like. Because usually you can tell who's Jewish,

but sometimes they fool you. Now I'm at a dinner party, and I'm like, half an hour in, like, there's Jew in this? What the hell? You didn't tell me, and your friend's like, whoa, what's your problem? You're like, I'm intolerant. I can't digest these people yeah it's like being it's like being an anti-semite because you never know yeah you're just like you're like

you're a Jew right right yeah you're uh then the twist could be like I'm complaining at this dinner party then I'm like maybe I'm the Jew or make it also could be like it makes me it makes my stomach hurt You know makes me sick. Yeah comfortable right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but there's no Maybe the Nazis they were getting the nutrition facts. You know that that wasn't the papers They were like let me see if there's Jewishness like The birth of it's kind of like the nutrition facts where it tells you what's in it. Or 23andMe maybe is like the nutrition facts.

So that- But I think there's something funny about having to feel it out. Oh, yes. Because you have to like feel out, like with the food you just ask the person. Right. But with them you're just like- What a guy, you have to- Really, what you have to do is you have to say something messed up about Jews and then they're like hey, and you're like I knew it right right that's why I'm feeling bad

Although I guess it not just any it wouldn't just be a Jew would be bothered by I don't know I'm thinking of like an angle here. Yeah, but the first part's working so I gotta just expand on it Yeah, I have a gluten joke about I hooked up with a girl who is glued I see I hooked up with a girl who is gluten free And I go it's fine, but it's never the only thing It's never like I'm gluten free and I'm not annoying in any other way So I'm gluten free and here's eight other irritating attributes. That's it. She fucked like she was gluten free I was going down there for like, you know, ten minutes and I was like nothing and she goes not yet

I was like, I feel like if you ate bread you would have come by now It's doing all right. Yeah. Yeah, pretty well. Is that why I'm not risen? She goes not yet. And I was like, I feel like if you ate bread you would have come by now Alright, yeah, yeah pretty well is that why I'm not risen Yeah Also gluten another thing is like people give it to you like if you got a heroin problem Yeah, you don't go to a restaurant. They just put a basket of heroin on the table You know like you're always being tempted when you when you're gluten intolerant go to a restaurant, they just put a basket of heroin on the table. You know, like you're always being tempted when you're gluten intolerant. You go to any restaurant and that's the first thing that comes out. Exactly.

But gluten's also not as addictive as heroin. Of course, of course. But I think there's something too like you don't know. Like I ate a bowl of soup and you're like, oh, there's gluten in the soup, I had to Google it. You don't know until later. Right. That might be it.

You don't know until later. Maybe HPV? Yeah, it could be like an STD. There's something there. I found out after the fact. Right, right. Yes, you find out in the toilet. You fucking liar. Yeah, like.

Going to the bathroom, like, ah. What do you feel when you eat it? You feel like crazy bloated. I eat one pancake and I'm like, my stomach feels this big and you just feel way down. And then you get the diarrhea. Do you can't eat pizza pancake and I'm like this my stomach feels this big and you just feel weighed down And then you get the diary you can eat pizza. I still do it. I still do it I push through you ate pizza my place the other night. Yeah, I mean I love pizza. I love pancakes I love all that shit. Maybe that's an angle to I still do it's kind of funny

Like I still do it and just deal with the consequences right right? Yeah, I'm not gay, but I still do it Yeah, my ass killing me. Well, I like if you, but I still do it. Yeah, my ass is killing me Well, if you're going the STD angle, it's like Yeah, I'm not gonna quit fucking I'm gonna quit fucking I can wear a condom. Yeah, I'm not gonna work on right, right Yeah, that's true well, we both know a guy who's got herpes and Him and his wife make it work. Yeah I like you said we both know,

like they're not gonna put it together in the comments. I wonder who that could be. First. He's vocal about it. First, yeah. He's got herpes with two peas, you fucking asshole. All right, what do you got? I had a, what do I have?

I mean, the crazy girl was the big one. I had one about, I was talking to a girl and she was kinda, I don't know where to go with this exactly, but she was kinda crazy. And I was like, you start a fight with me every five minutes and she goes, well if you start dating me, then I'll fuck. And I was like, is that how it works?

Like you go to a car dealership and the car just explodes and he's like, you gotta buy this now. Right, right. That's not it, but I feel like that's like the I feel like the angle Totally the angle that's a great angle. Yeah, something about that like if I start dating you it's gonna get better What are you kidding? You're fighting with me now? No? This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase right exactly What's supposed to be good? Yeah? It's like you shit your pants in a job interview, and you're like nothing Oh, yeah, it's kind of like you break it you bought it. You know like well if it's already broken

I don't want to buy it. I don't know yes. Yeah, it's something there for sure Yeah, man crazy people are entertaining. They really are that's what we like Charlie Sheen and Pete Diddy I mean, it's it's fun. I've always said I like Pete Diddy He looks like hell you see him He's aged like 50 years. I know, he does not look good. Somebody wrote under that photo, they wrote, that's what happens if you can't get to the baby well. Wow, that's funny.

I was like, God, we've all missed that one. It's a good one. Yeah, he's not doing great. Look at that. That's not real. This is AI, but not real. Oh, I thought that was Uncle Ben. Ben's rice.

There, that's the real one. Wow, I mean you can't go buy these. It looks like Charles Oakley. That's crazy. Damn. Damn, yeah. He's gonna fry I think. Man, not good. Not good. Yeah, have you heard any of that

testimony? It's pretty awful. What was it? It's just, I mean... Beating up the girl. No like Cassie Cassie yeah Cassie she's like he would he would have people there it's a sex trafficking thing you'd have people there and they would finish on my chest and he would be in the corner with a towel over his face and then he would come over and then rub the cum on his chest. Sharon Stone anytime you want to come along we'd love to have you.

It's an open door, open invite. I mean I feel like this is a good time to plug some dates. Yeah, yeah. What do you got Mark? Woo wee, I'm uh. We got some stuff. Oh okay. Should we open it on air?

Yeah why not? Yeah open it while you're plugging some stuff here. This is June 1st you guys. Portchester going upstate. Oh, sorry Rochester, New York coming to the Kodak Center. I've been to Rochester in years Portchester Upstate Albany at the egg. I love that egg. I love that one. What a great room That was I think is already almost sold out and then a Burlington Vermont I've been to Burlington since the comedy club days back in who knows when? Wassau Wisconsin Green Bay Wisconsin Eugene Oregon San Jose

This is nice little Chopin vodka Hyannis Connecticut Then Australia I get That Australia Wow Auckland Melbourne Sydney Sydney We're going hard buddy out of the show in Sydney. Yeah, come on by then We're going to do the Hamptons one night Calgary With Adam Ray that's cool Las Vegas Might see it might go down to skank fest and Nola Dallas a lot of show. We got nine shows in Dallas Oh my god. Well, I'm gonna shoot an hour in October, so I'm like really prepping. Yeah, I get the Akron Dayton Halifax

Yeah, man. I love it added San Diego and DC's cool. I just did a San Diego. I loved it great I got Red Bank, New Jersey July 12th. I got Boston, Massachusetts at the Wilbur August 7th Irvine, California the improv the 22nd through the 24th. We got Oklahoma City the following weekend to 26 through the 28 Is it wait? What is it 28 through the 30th? Yeah, that makes more sense. That's better We got Vegas at the Venetian September 19th Can't wait for that Rochester New York comedy at the Carl at the Carlson, the 24th through the 25th through the 27th, you're going too quick for me, buddy. October 4th, the Chicago Theater,

that's gonna be a great one. Then the next night I got Winnipeg, Canada at a casino. And then we got Salt Lake City, I just went there for a couple, going back for more, we had a great time, November 14th through 16th. And, wait is that right? Yeah, I can't read.

Oh, December 4th, Carnegie Hall, baby. Start spreading the news. I love you guys. Practice being a retard for a long time. And we got Bodega Cat Whiskey's making some news. I mean, we're crushing it right now. Comedy Store, shout out, thank you. The Sunset Boulevardier at the Comedy Store.

Order it. On the menu, baby. On the menu, and we love you guys for thank you comedy store. I still can't get a spot there, but it's nice to know No, it's nice to know I appreciate it. Hell yeah, and We were a bunch of clubs when a bunch of clubs were working on it. Yeah, yeah, so it's all Tampa side splitters love it well name it. We'll see you guys on the road. We love you. Oh, sorry I didn't see this. What is this? Oh Brandon OJ Simpson nor McDonald Wow

We'll hang this up on the wall. That's fun. That's cool. Thanks Poker hat keep keep listening guys. We love you and we'll see you next week. Hell. Yeah comedy And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way

We might be true