We Might Be Drunk - Ep 235: Jordan Jensen

Episode Date: June 9, 2025

Jordan Jensen joins Mark and Sam this week for a wild one—airport brawls, candy addictions, and what happens when you grow up playing “No Kisses Today” with your mom. They break down the chaos of taping a Netflix special, the psychology of Spanx, and why Toronto might just beat New York. Plus, old-school peeves, parenting confessions, and a strong anti-tampon stance you didn’t see coming. Sponsored by: 💸 Get your 1-month trial of Shopify for just $1 https://www.shopify.com/DRUNK 🧔‍♂️ Start your free online Hims visit today https://www.hims.com/DRUNK 🎧 Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD 🛒 Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ 🎬 Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets ⸻ Produced by Gotham Production Studios: https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com @GothamProductionStudios | Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #JordanJensen #RocketMoney #CornbreadHemp #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #BodegaCatWhiskey

We're starting! We're starting! Hey! Dude, uh, yeah, before we were rolling you were just talking, it was interesting to me. I Denver, now it's like, my kid, I'm missing him. And you gotta think, he's four months old, so his life is like, like 15 days out of his life, that's a third. You're missing stuff. I'm missing stuff. Did you miss anything big? Nothing big, but he rolled over, which is so funny,

talking about a human, like he rolled over, what the fuck, you know? It's like a celebrity, like oh my god, she took a nap. But the kid is doing, he almost said a word. He was like, he was like, where's Dada? His first word was neglect. But yeah, so, but I'm back.

Because she went away. You can miss a word even if you're here. Ah, good point. You can miss a word if you're at this podcast. That's a good point. But I think something about being overseas. Oh yeah, where were you when I said my first word? Iceland.

Yeah. That is rough. Exactly, it's like I'm trying to get as far away from them as possible. Like Polanski. He had a different issue with it. Yeah, that was it. Yeah, but no, but you're aware of it.

That's gonna make you, I think, a good dad. Yeah, thank you. That you're like, you're conscious, you're like, okay, I'm gonna, like I'm with Vitor all the time on the road, he's got two kids, a third on the way, and he's so aware, like he's, I'm gonna make every moment on back count.

That's what you gotta do. And you're FaceTimeing with the kid, which he doesn't really get, he's too stupid now, but like, you're trying, and, cause she- We didn't have that growing up. No, good point. I mean, it's crazy that you like, it's innate, these devices.

Yes. They just kind of get it from birth. It's like a language. 100%. And they're, you ever seen that old video where the kid is swiping on a magazine picture? It's heartbreaking. But yeah, you're right.

They learn it so quick cause they're born with it. You know, it's like being born with a fork. You know, you just know what to do. so quick because they're born with it. It's like being born with a fork, you just know what to do, you don't have to learn. Yeah. So yeah, but the kid, so she went away for a few days for a bachelorette party and she came back and the baby was like, ah, I think it didn't know how to emote, I missed you.

It was just you and the baby? Yeah. Damn. And so. See, a dad and a baby is like a movie. Yes. The mom and the baby are like, but I feel like without the mom is you need the mom more.

You're in the mom. I need the mom more. Exactly, so there's more of a connection. When I came back, he was like. It's like a dog. Yeah, it's like a dog. Exactly. Dog sees you and you're like, oh yeah, okay.

Yeah, his ass was wagging, it was cute. But with her, when she went away, it's definitely, there's more mom connection. So he was like, he was freaking out because he didn't know how to handle cute. But with her, when she went away, it's definitely this more mom connection. So he was like, he was freaking out because he didn't know how to handle it. They don't know how to be like, whoa, it's so good to see you. And they're like, ah, you know.

I was more attached to my mom for obvious reasons. Yeah, big neglect going on here with the dad. Yeah. All right, P. Oh yeah. Sorry about that, I didn't know if I should text or. No, it's fine. Okay.

I mean, it was like, it's literally, his I should text. Oh, it's fine. Okay. It's I mean it was like it's literally his Wife called me and said he's he's gone. I was like I've heard that before Bad time for a joke, but Yeah, no, she I was just like yeah, you know, I didn't I really know him that well, but no funeral I think they had well, they were like we're having a funeral at the at the Buddhist temple, and I said nice try Yeah, I don't get to just become a Buddhist right late in life because you were a piece of shit Well, I did have no objects. You know Including you so it's something I got a I got a dad question for you

My dad's been gone for forever like he left when I was a kid. He's got cancer now Oh, I've seen him like twice in my entire I don't know what kind his new wife sent me a message on Facebook your dad's Biden yeah should I based like you're do you have a hindsight with your dad like should I reconnect because he's gonna die or question that is a good question I think you've never met him right once as an adult once isn't it yeah okay and once as a kid how? Once as an adult. Once as an adult, okay. And once as a kid. How was it as an adult? It was very weird.

Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah, whoa. If they're not there, they're not there. I think you're searching for something that doesn't exist. I think that's movie shit. It is movie shit. It's like, you know, Darth Vader and Luke, I'm your father. Yeah.

All right, but you weren't great. Yeah. You weren't great at, I mean, that's the thing. I was searching for this moment that didn't exist. And then I remember he wrote like a note, left a note in like a safety deposit box. And it was like, and then I had a great dad raise me. So I was just kind of, did you have a dad in the picture?

No. So you have like this void. It's tough. I just don't think you're gonna get closure from it. I agree. Let him die. And why give him the gift of meeting you? Not meeting you, but like, you're a fun guy,

nice guy, successful guy. Yeah. Well, you're just helping him out now. Now he's like, hey, my son's pretty cool. You're making him feel better about it. Yes! I wasn't really mad. You sound like a parent.

I was like, I wasn't mad. I was kind of just like disappointed. Yeah, that could be a bit. I wasn't like, yeah, but I wasn't. Funny. Yeah, you end up turning into a parent. I wasn't mad, I was kind of just like disappointed. Yeah, that could be a bit... I wasn't like, yeah, but I wasn't... Funny. Yeah, you end up turning into a parent talking to them, but then... But of course, because you're expected to take... If they neglect you and then you go back into their life, you are taking...

It's so fucking ironic. Oh, I'm taking care of you? Right. So... No, I didn't go to the funeral. I don't think his other son did either to be honest. Maybe he did, I don't know. But I haven't met him. It's a whole other thing over there.

Yeah, what are you gonna get out of that? Then you gotta waste a day, put a suit on, go to a Buddhist temple. I don't think you're gonna see him and go, all right, this chapter is closed or whatever. It's not like some Sex and the City moment. Well she said his wife on the phone said something like, he was a good man. I said, he wasn't. It's just something you say when someone dies. But you know, I was like, nah, I said, I don't

mean to be offensive. He was, you know, he just died. So that's what you say. Yes, exactly. That's why funerals are weirdly dishonest. Yeah. Because if you go up and say the absolute truth, it's cruel. Right. But if you bend it, you know, he, I guess there's ways to bend things in a way that's appropriate, but funerals always, unless it's a good person.

Right. Then you're bummed the person's dead. Exactly. So if you're not into the guy, I don't think it's worth going. No. He can't be real anyway. And I think this is kind of a win.

Like he fucked you over, now you're like up like up skipping this that's what you get. Yeah it's not a win it's just a nothing. Yeah. Alright. It's a nothing. I show up to the funeral I win. You get the dicks thing. We win. We win. Well yeah do we have peeves? We pulled up some peeves. Wait wait there's Trump thing you gotta see it. Oh what is this? Yeah what is it? So he says he goes on whatever Fox News and he says the N-word. What? But that's the funny part He goes, you know, we're trying to avoid the N-word and the guy's like, huh? The anchor and he's like, you know The N-bomb and the guy's like, what do you mean? And Trump's like, you know what I mean? And he goes Nuclear and he's like yes nuclear and you're like Jesus, you can't say the N-bomb is nuclear.

He just sat out to lunch, but it's a funny clip. That's almost like not racist, if that's how you think of it. That's true. But really, a nuclear bomb is much worse than the N-word. That's for sure, yeah. N-word can't wipe out Asia. An N-bomb, I guess.

Yeah, let's see it. It's just classic Trump being And it's the N word, that's a very nasty word, right? In a lot of ways. The N word used in a nuclear sense, that's the worst thing that could happen. And I think that was very close, the hatred was very close. What does he do, is he tiptoeing on the line there? Is he trying to be funny? Does he actually think that's the N word? That's weird. I don't know, that's weird.

I mean, would you have done that to like Don Lemon or something, like a black anchor? Oh, good question. Then it would have been pretty uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah. I mean, shit man. Damn, that's a- I guess the N word in the end,

you gotta avoid both. You gotta avoid both. You gotta not do either. Yeah, I don't want either of my neighborhood. Yeah, no. No. I just had, I was just howling at that at home, I had to show you.

Jesus. Do you cross the street where the nuke is coming the wrong way? Yeah, yeah, yeah, there you go. street with a nuke is coming the world? Nuclear with attitude okay, well what do we have some peeves from listeners? We have a bunch you want should we do a few this is amazing what a segment Yeah, I was like fuck we do peeves on your people seem to like I like the peeve section peeves hit home Like you wouldn't believe when I do shows and I'm like anything in the news. They always go, Peeves! I know, same, I always have to have a couple locked. I gotta start locking. Yeah, so what do we have?

When people put whole cherry tomatoes in a salad. Oh, interesting. It's not like the top of my list, but I can see. Yeah, you know who hates this, Peeves, is of third world countries. They're like, oh, you got a whole tomato in your salad, what a nightmare. I don't, yeah, it never been a thing. I guess is it because it seems lazy like they just threw it in? I guess so and like putting a whole cherry

tomato I guess is a lot of tomato I guess. Yeah this guy's living too high on the hog like oh sorry you had to eat a tomato. Yeah this is this is one that doesn't really. I hate the salad, the wedge salad. Yeah I I love a wedge salad. I like a wedge salad because it tastes, but I gotta do the work, I gotta cut it up, I gotta make a salad. That's a good point. You kinda like a wedge. Something fun about a wedge, so hearty,

it's a big hunk of crunchy lettuce. Yeah. You know what is a peeve is the shrimp guy. You know the guy who gives you the shrimp at the Thai restaurant, and you gotta get the heads off. Ooh, I hate the head. Or it's pasta with shrimp in it, and you're like, wait, so now I gotta pull this shit off

then put it back in. Like what are we doing here? Yeah. You know the heads, people are like well it's more, it means it's more fresh. Okay I don't give a shit. Give me frozen shrimp with no head. Yes exactly. I don't want head.

Like my marriage. No head. No I don't want head. I love his fucking back to school the other night. It was just on. I was like fuck it. Don told not Vanessa. She gives great headache dumb quick great great headache

When white people are abnormally interested in the Civil War this is another it's kind of a strange one Yeah, I get annoyed by they like if someone's a buff, a Civil War buff, Civil War, World War II, whatever. So you hate Ken Burns now? Right! Let the guy be interested. At least he's into this and not meth. That's true.

You know? Might be both. I think maybe more information. Yeah. Maybe this is like a weird, this is like a Civil War reenactment type guy or something. Oh, good point. Because that's a little weird.

That's very weird. Yeah. Maybe this is a guy, a black guy with a white friend who's way into that. Interesting. And he's like, it's a locker with the slavery, North-South thing, so maybe that's what this is going for. But there's good books on it. I mean, like, I don't know.

I have no issue with this one either. I mean, this is not a peeve of mine. I guess abnormally means like he's got posters on his wall of you know Whistlin Dixie and the the flag you're right abnormally does Yeah, like all right like you have a confederate flag on your property. Okay, now we're getting a little weird. All right I'll give you that probably Confederate flag is it's a cool looking flag. Is it? Well, it's just a cool like if that was a flag that represented something good You'd be like, oh, I want to fly this the branding was on point. Yes. It's like it's like the Nazis with the uniforms They were well made well made yeah, look it doesn't look bad. That's it

I like our American flag, but yeah, it's it I do too, but it's not bad But you put that on a on that Duke's a hazard car. That's a badass car doesn't look yeah I mean look you get Hugo Boss making your uniforms too. It's like, you're gonna look good. Yeah, branding is important. It's a bummer. Like, you want them to be dressed by like some, I don't know what a shitty designer is but.

Yeah, that's a cool car, god damn it. It's crazy, this was just a show. These were different times. Yeah, dude. What else we got? All right. Entering a closed door and not closing it behind you. I'm with you on that one.

That's pretty annoying. Yeah, these people just walk in, walk out, no clothes, raising a barn. I had a... because my front door at home doesn't just shut on itself. Me too. And so people just do it and leave it open. I'm like, what are you doing? I know, and I have a cat, so that thing could run out. So I'm big, what are you doing? I know, and I have a cat, so that thing could run out. So I'm big on the door close.

Yeah, no, it's the door close. Just being oblivious is a peeve. That's being oblivious. You're fucking not paying attention to your life. Because you're basically saying, I want to go in this door, and I'm not worried about you, so I'm going in. The closing it is a consideration. I got a similar one.

I have a friend who always does this they'll come over Open a seltzer take like two sips and then like put it back in the fridge I'm like what the fuck is that what? I'm like do you think I want to finish your fucking seltzer are we talking to can't can oh? At least with the top there's some kind of Fine I have no issue with the yeah There's a sealant there, but but the opening the can and then like you think I want that shit? Just fucking throw it out or it honestly bugs me to open a can and then take two sips too. It's like a double peeve. Yeah and it's gonna be flat by the time you get it even if you were gonna drink it.

Is this salekus? It's not salekus. Because every week I have to throw away a half full can Does he do that? Yes Oh we're gonna have to raz him It was honestly it's Rachel Feinstein Oh but why put it back? I said person because I was trying to make it with them You know what? Who gives a shit? She knows she does shit like that When she comes back here we're giving her a flat hot can of soda that's been opened

I don't care for that I'll save one of Sally Keys' old ones When I was a kid I would throw parties like in high school and college and I it was always a Beer bottle with this much beer drank out of it because people just want to hold it I'm like no no no you're you hold that you're drinking it. Wastefulness is the pee. Yes I'm not giving you a prop for the party. Yeah, I had some people over the next game We had Mexican food. I ordered a shitload of tacos just so everyone had like tacos to choose from. Love it, love it But then there was like nine or ten taco boxes left. You better believe I fucking ate those. Good! I put them in the fridge

I'm eating those. Yeah! Those are leftovers every day of the week tacos. 100% would have done the same thing. Yeah Pizza, whatever's left. I'll eat it. Love a good- I don't mind a cold pizza either. I'll go one further I take a bunch of people out to eat. If they don't finish it, I take it home. It will, do they try to take it home first? No, no, no, if they want to take it home, that's fine. But sometimes they're like, no, I never want to see that steak again.

I'm like, that's half a steak. I'll bring it home. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Yeah. No, it's wasteful as fuck. Also, I kind of like the takeout box. Me too. It's like a, it's like a pleasurable memory.

Yeah. Like, I like it. It's exciting. Yeah, memory. Yes, yes. I like it. Exciting. Yeah, and you know, nuking it up, that old Chinese food, it's fun. Yeah, it's good to see a box the next day you don't regret, am I right? Oh man. When I get change and they put it on the counter instead of handing it to me. Oh, interesting.

I mean, this is like the one person still paying with cash. Yeah. Yeah, that's true I'm a cash guy. You still do a lot of cash. I mean if you look at my wallet I got cash on me, but it's it's just to have it just in case I got hundreds in here Look at this hundreds. Yeah, I guess I got a few 20s. I'm not nothing crazy. I'll do you one further. I'm going international Well, what is that from? That's from London. Ooh, nice. Yeah, yeah. So.

What are you doing with that? Churchill. Good old Winston. Yeah. Well, I just didn't understand it all. I mean, he would have been a good, we might be drunk. Oh. He was a fucking boozer.

We should do a church, I saw Bert doing the Churchill martini. That would be nice. We should do a martini app. I'm gonna throw you for a loop here. I might have a drink. I'll do one with you. I mean, I don't wannaini app. I'm gonna throw you for a loop here, I might have a drink. I'll do one with you. I mean I don't wanna push you, I'm just saying

it's been a tough week and we haven't had a drink on here in a while. Let's do a, what should we do, I mean I could do a martini. I could do a martini but I don't trust him to make it. I'll make it, can we get the ice? Yeah what the fuck? Do we have vermouth and uh. A little dry vermouth and do you wanna go vodka or gin?

What do you think? I'm a vodka man. All right let's do vodka. I like the potato liquor. and a little dry vermouth and you want to go vodka or gin? What do you think? I'm a vodka man. All right, let's do vodka. I like the potato liquor. Do we have the, is that a gluten thing? Yeah. Well, I like a little Grey Goose.

Oh, I love Grey Goose. Yeah. Crazy, they made liquor out of potatoes. That's awesome. I know, well, like how did they figure that out? How did the Irish not just own all vodka? Oh, yeah fact they didn't get on top of all that shit good point. They're like the potato people Yeah, well they had didn't have any yeah, not the whole thing. They had a famine

I know but they're like Boise, Idaho. How come we don't have a good like book. Maybe there is a good one That's a great point Boise should be the vodka capital of America great city by the way I'd never know great city that was killer man. Great room, great comedy people there. Yeah. Is that where Caitlin Clark is in? She plays for the Indiana Fever, I don't know where she's from. Indiana Fever, that's right.

She's fucking amazing. She is so good. I'm a fan. You should go to a game man, it's right by your place. I would love to, dude when the WNBA plays, my neighborhood is like bumping. The lesbians come out. Is this, oh dirty, are we going dirty? Yeah let's go a little dirty, what the WNBA plays, my neighborhood is bumpin'. The lesbians come out. What is this?

Oh, Dirty, are we going Dirty? Yeah, let's go a little Dirty, what the fuck? Yeah, Dirty. Do we have the driver, and the driver Muth, oh yeah. I love it. Well yeah, she's great, and she's such a, she's got great character. She'll get fucked with on the court,

and she'll just make it rain instead of fighting back, and she never goes in on people online. She's well-raised. I think the beef list with Angel Reese is like gray for the sport. Oh, definitely. You need that shit. Definitely. You need some people to dislike each other.

It's the female Larry Bird Jordan stuff. Yeah, although the argument is that Angel ain't nearly as good. Yeah. But you know what? She's putting up fucking big numbers, she's good. I mean, yeah, we should go to a game, get some fucking, get some drinks in us. I would love to. Heckle. Pre-game at my good. I mean, yeah, we should go to a game get some fucking get some drinks in us

I would love to well, I call pregame at my house. Okay, let's do it put on a fever Jersey and head over No, you gotta put a Liberty Jersey, dude. Oh, that's right. That's right. Gotta support the the New York team Okay, should we do another what do we got when I oh, yeah, how do you feel about the change? Are you like handy into you? What is it? I'm okay with it. That doesn't bother me But some people have bad hygiene too, and I'm okay with it. That doesn't bother me, but. Some people have bad hygiene too. That's true. I'm not a germaphobe, but I hate touching a sweaty hand.

Oh, in the world. You get those after the show. Well, dude, I also like my hand will get, we all get sweaty, but when my hand's sweaty, I don't force a handshake. You go. Or I just do a fist bump. I just don't, I hate a sweaty,

it's nothing more disgusting than your sweaty fucking hand. I completely agree. I hate it. And it's wet. And then you think of all the germs that you've already had on your hand and now they're Coagulated in the sweat. It's bad. It's bad. I would go one further. I do the fist bump as well, but some people won't do it they're like and I'm like and they're like yeah, like what is this madman? You can't fucking that's paper-rock scissor You can't fucking know but it's so scissors. You can't fucking, no, but it's so, these people are like, men shaking.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, no, sometimes I, I'll do a fist bump. Give me a fist bump, come on! But yeah, some people just won't do it. They're like, we shake. I'm like, all right, whatever. I like a fist bump. I do too.

I'm kind of pumped for the, you know what, I wasn't gonna drink, but you know what? I can't let you drink alone either, so what the hell? Those are deep. I love, I like the big ones too because they, should I measure this or what? Unless you wanna eyeball it. I can eyeball it.

I don't like too much vermouth. Yeah, just a dab. Just a dab. You're like a Churchill. Oh hey, you got any olives is a win. Green Hole Olives, perfect. Man, you know what movie I fucking rewatched last night I mean we both seen it a bunch of times I was texting you in Salak use Taxi drivers so far. Oh classic

Our Brooks double shepherd. It's just a funny first name to mention. Yeah, you're a taxi driver dude Albert Brooks I go with the funny movie comedian friendly. No, he's great in in it I mean it's and he plays kind of a wimp too yeah anyone would look like a wimp next to that psychopath that's true he had nothing to lose but that was like the one of the first antihero movies I know dude it's so especially like for an American movie to be that fucking like just dark and fucked up like oh yeah like creepy stalker incel like but then also like the fact that he pulls Sibyl Shepard for a second. Yes.

You're like are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. He's so hot. I know she's gorgeous. That movie, I mean what a run he had with this, Raging Bull, Mean Streets, like that 70s era they all were friends, Brian De Palma. Don't forget after hours. Oh, after hours, yes.

Scorsese, De Palma, Spielberg, George Lucas, like, just a peckin' paw, just a great crew. Oh, such a crew. Oh, Coppola. It felt like movies were art. Now movies are fuckin' Hawkeye and Queef Man, you know? Queef Man. Back then, a movie was a movie.

It was dark, it was gritty, it was real. Yeah dude, and then, yeah what other peeves we have? We got some kind of like going peeve. Oh man this is, I'm kind of pumped for a martini right now. Wait, you had one you missed. I hate when people walk out in front of traffic and I'm with you on that, I hate this guy. He thinks because he does this,

he's allowed to walk in front of traffic. What is that? I hate this guy. He thinks because he does this, he's allowed to walk in front of traffic. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. What is that? You're still breaking the law, you're still in the way. I have to, I am really annoying with this shit because I'm so annoyed by the, you know, I used to always be like a cheat the lane type guy as a walker. Oh yeah.

And now with the scooters and the bikes and shit, it's fucking impossible. Oh yeah. I'm walking here. Another great 70s movie. Improvised. Wah, wah, wah. Dustin Hoffman improvised that line. Oh, that's right, that's right.

Pretty cool. So is the reaction from the cabi real as well? I don't know, it must be. It must be. If it's Rift, right? Cause he really slams on that hood, he took a risk. So how light do you want me to go on this vermouth? Like very light or just? I just don't like it oily.

I don't like it oily either. Okay, ooh that's a fresh bottle right there boy. What do you say I go like one shot? Nah, yes. That works. Even a little less maybe. Yeah maybe a little less and we can always add more. That's true.

When someone pulls out in front of me in traffic forcing me to hit my brakes and then they go really slow. Oh, I'm with you on that on the road and in walking. Yeah. You gotta go cuts in front of you on the sidewalk because he has to be in front of you, and then he walks two miles an hour. I fucking hate that.

I don't know what it is, because we hate to feel trapped. Yes, yes. That's what it is. You feel trapped, but then you're like, I have nowhere to go either. I fucking hate feel trapped. Yes, yes. That's what it is, you feel trapped, but then you're like, I have nowhere to go either. I fucking hate that shit. But I do hate when people, slow walkers on the street, like it all comes back to being oblivious. People who don't pay attention.

Sometimes you'll blow past them and they're like, geez. And you're like, well, why do I have to go the speed limit you wanna go? Like, I don't wanna go your speed, I wanna go my speed. So you go your speed, let me go my speed. Uh oh, speaking of speed. Is that her? Yeah.

Here we go. Hey! 32 minutes late. Get in here, you big black queef. We thought, yeah, you gotta fall off the wagon for that one, that's. Yeah. What happened?

You wanna know the truth or the fake truth? The truth, no, the real truth. I'm like near both. Really, fake truth, That's what happened. You want to know the truth or the fake truth? I'm like near both. Really? Fake truth, train's fucked up. Real truth, big fight with the person I'm dating. Big fight. Okay. Big fight, big fighty fight.

Who would you fight with? What's her name? Well, her name's Big Gale. Oprah's chick? Yeah. Damn. Is Oprah gay? Come on, she's a scissor queen. Is she? Scissor queen? Oh yeah, that little Stedman thing, that's a? Yeah. Damn. Is Oprah gay? Come on, she's a scissor queen.

Is she? Is she a scissor queen? Oh yeah, that little Stedman thing, that's a ruse. She's gay? Big less. This makes sense. It is hard to picture a dick going in her. That's all I think about. I can picture it if she's on top.

Ugh. You know what I mean? But she fluctuates with the weight. And she goes, you get a pussy, you get a pussy. This could be, tell me what you think of this, Mara. Oh my God, do you guys really get drunk on this? I mean, every time? He said he wanted a drink, I can't let my buddy drink alone, so.

No pressure. Should I wait for you? Who's that? Get away from me. That's Gail, that's her lady partner. Like her business, what is she, ostensibly. Their friend. To Jordan Jensen's new special.

Oh, that's right, yeah, we got you one over there. I want yours. Oh yeah, I did a special. Yeah, at the Gramercy? Yeah, MVP Stavros Helkias. Why, how's so? Showed up floating out of the sky like a little cherub, emerged after my first show.

What? And said, not really. Oh, I thought you had a monopoly or something. Could you imagine? It felt like that. Because after the first show, the first show and said, not really. Oh, I thought you had a bully or something. Could you imagine? It felt like that. Because after the first show, the first show was scary, tight, way too aware of cameras. He showed up and he was like, a merge out of nowhere,

went, first show's always weird. And I was like, really, where did you come from? And he was like, yeah, everybody hates the first show, second show, you'll crush. And I was like, thank God you're here. Cause I just had a whole like. You've heard that before though. I've heard people go, you get the first show and then you hang out the second show because the first show, you're like, because I just had a whole like. You've heard that before though. I've heard people go, you get the first show

and then you hang out the second show because the first show, you're like, I got it. Yeah, but you don't always get the first show. You can't possibly always get it. The first show was like. The first show was tight sometimes. Tight. Yeah.

Because they were not drunk and we were all just like fucked up by the crane. There was a heckler I had to flip out at. What? Yeah, and she was, you know the cackle hecklers? Oh, I hate the cackle hecklers? Oh, I hate the cackle. You hate the cackle.

Yeah, yeah. During the premise set up, she's like, meh, meh, meh, meh, and I had to be like, there's no way you laugh like that. There's no way you go to dinner with your friends and while they're setting up a story, go, meh, meh, meh. You wanna be, you wanna make the cut. You wanna make the cut.

Yeah. You wanna go, that's me, you hear it? And I flipped out. In a weird, twisted way, I bet she opened you up a little bit. Cause you know, you're me. You hear it? And I flipped out. In a weird twisted way, I bet she opened you up a little bit. Cause you know, you're in your head, you're up your own ass, it's a special, it's a taping.

You go yell at this lady and now it kind of cuts the tension. It made tension. Ah, shit. Because I went in on her. Maybe you could use that in the promo. I will use it, I will use it. At one point she said ew,

and it was like, I was describing a part of my body and she goes ew! And then I made a whole riff on that. All right. I hate when people, what does she say ew to? Well I was talking about something gross. I was talking about how I lost a bunch of weight so I had loose skin that I got cut off.

Ew. Yeah. And she went ew! I want it to be on your side here Jordan. I know, I know, I know, I know. And then I was like it's fucked Up that men have to like present their penis to women like this like they have to be like and here's my one Flesh sack I've had my whole life and yeah, yeah, you know That's fucked that's annoying. I hate this dude. I wanted it. I mean I truly was like hexing her

I did a child molestation joke in Salt Lake and a woman woman went out. Oh, that's messed up And I was like oh how brave yeah, how brave that you're against child molestation joke in Salt Lake and a woman woman went out? Oh, that's messed up And I was like oh how brave yeah, how brave that you're against child molestation. So everybody knows I don't fuck kids Yeah, that's brutal. I had a woman the other night doing this front row going And I'm like it's doing well, so who cares what your dumb head I know but she wants to fuck with you I guess so wants attention. She wants to fuck you, that's what I always think. I'm like, you're trying to fuck me right now. Mark tried to fuck her after the show though and she did this.

Yeah, exactly. She was a gale, if you know what I mean. Yeah. A gale. Yeah. But during a special taping to Hacker, that's crazy. Oh, that's crazy. Don't they make an announcement or something? Oh yeah. Yeah.

Big announcement, I blame B&E. Did you boot her? B&E gets those fans her? Well that's the thing is that the PAs kept getting too scared to boot her. And then the director was like, I'm so sorry I should have kicked her out. But then the second show was fine. One girl started saying something, like she would after I would say every punch line

would be like, and say it. And my sister who's scarier than me went up to her and was like, you better shut the fuck up. And was, yeah, my sister's like a little bit like hot white trash. Yeah. Right down.

Pull her up. Can I tell you, my friend, non-comedian, went to the show and he did know who you were, no offense. Oh, that's great. He went with a person who did know who you were and I told him, how was the show? And he goes, I'm a huge fan now, I didn't know her, now I'm on board and I wanna know more.

Wow, that's great. Wow. That's like the nicest thing you could say. I don't know which one he went to, but it was your special. The late show was sick. Oh yeah, there's my sister right there on the end. So were you tense on the late show

or were you kind of like, it'll be. Loose as hell, loose as, I was like fuck, I switched the whole lineup. Whoa. Yeah, I was like, I didn't, I was like fuck it, I'm just gonna switch it around. And it went better. It was great, it was incredible.

Hell yeah. But if you were like, that first show sucked, what made you lose? I would probably be like, fuck, I gotta nail this. Stavros, dude. Yeah, just Stav, that's it? Stavros was like, do not, so long as you said the jokes correctly, it'll be fine.

And then the second show, the audience was loose, my boys got off stage and were like, Jake got off stage and was like, dude, way different. Nice. Oh good. Because both the boys were like, yeah, they were like super tight and weird. And then the second show, I think the second show, also everybody had been like, do crowd work to warm it up.

And I didn't, the second show I did not do that. Because the first show, it was weird to do crowd work because everybody knows what's up right so the second show everybody's like okay we're to do it at a taping yes so the second job is like no crowd work we're just going into it hot and ready crowd works like to fuck around and you're like this is a special yeah just weird yeah yeah I've done it a little bit in specials but it's usually at the end I'm just fucking around yeah I'm just killing time before the closer or something. Pickups are fun. Do you like pickups? I hate pickups you like them Well, I just like you're gonna nail it clean and you're you don't care anymore

There's low stakes with a pickup. You don't care people listening even though they're them around. Oh, yeah, tell me to pick up Yeah, I think people pick up is like so say I'm telling a joke and at one point I like fumble a line Yeah, somebody writes that down and goes I like fumble a line. Yeah. Somebody writes that down and goes, hey, you fumble this line. So then the audience, you go, hey, laugh again. And usually they're like, you're kind of in on this joke together, which is kind of fun.

Yes, yes. It's kind of endearing. Yeah, and the first show I tried to do a pickup and they didn't laugh at the part that I wrote. And I was like, you guys, what's going on? Come on. Yeah, and then the second show. You have to tell it a third time.

Yeah. Yeah. Was it at 7 p.m. or? It was. 7 p.m. is evil. So what do you think, eight? Eight and 10. Always better, because seven, they get off work at five. Right.

Then they're like, do I go home and take a shit, or should I go straight there, maybe I'll go to Chipotle before? Yeah. It's too much. Not enough straight time. What day of the week? It was Saturday.

Oh! But it was a hot day. Nevermind. If it's a hot day or two. It's funny how everything factors in. You're literally looking at the weather report on your phone and you're like, fuck. Yes, yes.

Also close friend in the front row that I was staring at and telling a long bit about. By the way, that's like on, that's on whoever's seat in the room because they should fucking know it. Because I remember I did a joke about getting blown in my album. It was like a crazy story. And I just see my mom do this in the crowd.

I mean, I don't need to see that shit. It throws you off. She's upset to hear it, I'm upset to see it. Yeah. It's terrible. And we sound like such assholes. Your mom's like, I gotta hear about my son getting blown. I'm like, oh yeah, well, I'd just see you do this.

Yeah, but that does throw you at a taping where you're just like, I don't want to see. No. I'm lucky my parents don't know what you're doing. You sit the parents in the back. Yes. Your Rosa Parks the parents. I did make sure the moms were in the back, thank God.

Yeah. But the one friend who bought a ticket because she has a baby, I told a whole joke about her having a baby. And the life is. You're like this stupid bitch. I was like, yeah, she looked bad. She looked bad after the baby.

I'm describing it in detail. I'm talking about her husband, who I'm looking at also. It was crazy. See, I'm not too personal of a comedian. So stuff like that. I don't know how you guys deal with that shit. But the good thing is all the setups are going to, can be pulled into the,

because I said them so cleanly because it was like pin drop. So I was like, I will just use diction to say everything. So those can be pulled into the second set. Wow. Honestly, every special gets saved in the edit. I always think about the Mitch Hedberg half hour that became legendary,

but apparently he's bombing for like 50 minutes, and they just cut it into an amazing 22. And it made his career. It made his career. He's laying on the floor at one point, he's like, I'm bombing so bad, why even try? Yeah. Oh really? Yeah, they sweetened it.

Yeah, I don't think, I'm very OCD about sweetening. I get very weird about that. It's like I don't wear Spanx either because I'm worried that people will love me for the wrong reason. Does that make sense? Like when women are like this person. Like your body's gonna be too tight or something?

Everybody was like, wear Spanx for your special, all of my female friends, just because they all do that. And I was like, no, because I don't, I don't want to trick anybody into thinking that things are better than they are, so I can't sweeten, I can't wear Spanx, I can't wear, what's the other thing I can't wear? Oh, lip stain, I can't, tattoos are weird that I do that.

I can't wear deodorants, I apologize. I text you ahead of time, I said, just so you know, this is my boundary. But who's gonna be tricked? Like you're gonna hook up with some guy and he's like you fucking you lying bitch I watched your special no one's gonna actually be tricked by that by sweetening or by Spanx No by Spanx, but the Spanx thing is like haven't you see those memes where it's like what she looks like before Yes, like after and it's like it is real yoga pants are crazy No I have to be I take her pants off, which it looks like after. And it's like, it is real, yoga pants are crazy.

No, I have to be, nobody can think that it's, so they can't be sweetened because they can't be like that, joke hit hard. It has to hit as hard as it did. You're just telling the hair and makeup, make me look as dumpy as possible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to trick anyone.

No, I wiped off a bunch of makeup she put on. Really? Oh, totally, yeah. Dumpy is funnier also. Yeah. There's nothing that makes you more mad than when somebody is trying to be hot and they're special.

He's dead. Dead is funnier. He's dead can jump in it. There's nothing that makes you more mad than when somebody is trying to be hot in their special. He's dead. Dead is funnier. Chris Farley. Ah, shit. Yeah. No, Dumpy usually dies quick, but it is funnier. Yeah, that's true.

But you're against Swedening. People always think, the funny thing is even if you kill, they're like, they Swedened it. So that's why I'm like, I don't give a fuck. That's true. My thing is like, just, this is what the joke usually gets.

If it's like a little over put it up. You know, I don't care about that shit. I know, but you have one good set and you're like, laugh track, I'm like, no, no, this was a good set. It's almost never, I don't think I sweetened shit in the last one, it might have been like one or two jokes. But usually, I did like four sets, I did, you know, and the one before I did seven,

so I'm like, one of the like, one of the jokes hit. If it's not hidden one in seven times, it didn't make a... Seven is wild. I was at the den, I was just having fun. And I was also like, I had a great setup. I was in Chicago, I had Vita with me. I just had like, it actually made it less pressure

because different people came every night, so I didn't get like bombarded. So it was just every night we got fucked up. Every night, Vita and I woke up and sonned. It was kind of a good... It was a vacation almost at that point. It wasn't bad, yeah. By the end I was like, this was a bad idea.

But you got probably so much money, it paid for the taping. I don't know, maybe, I don't even remember. That is the difference between men and women. If I drank the night before, you would look at my face and be like, she drank. Oh really? You guys can sauna and look normal again?

Yeah. You get a puffy? Have you seen women when they wake up, just in general? Yeah. When's the last time you drank? Oh, I drank in Italy like two years ago. I had a glass of wine. I just don't, it doesn't.

Pull it up, let's see that face. I'm addicted to candy, so I had to chew. Ah, Spanx,, maybe like a Nerds? Oh, Nerd Clusters? Oh, those are good. Dude, I did a gig with Soder one time, and you know, he's sober, and I'm drinking, and he's like, you wanna come with me to 7-Eleven?

Cause we're like starting to go to bed, and I was like, okay, I bought a bunch of Tylenol, and he's like in the nerds section, like they got the blue nerds, oh shit, they got this kind of nerd, he's going nuts, he's like a crack head, but about nerds. I had the same thing, I have a soda story just like that, and it's hilarious, because I have memories

of getting fucked up with him, and now I'm hammered, and he's like grabbing ruffles and shit, you know? Gummy bears, licorice, whatever. He's the best. No, I'm a candy whore, so I had to choose, do you want sweets or do you want, because I couldn't. I, I'm a candy whore. So I had to choose Do you want sweets or do you want because I couldn't I assumed you had a problem or something I mean, I have a problem with I have a problem with consumption. Yeah sex love

Candy, so if it's booze, it's just like that will alter who I am Candy will not good sex will not you know what I mean? But booze is like I can't you seem very against altering who you are in any way, which is that maybe a good thing Yeah, yeah, no alterations. Yeah, totally we could use a few. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What um There was no incident. We were like I'm done with booze No rock bottom. It's just weight It's just like it's just my weight is so hard to manage because I used to be so fat That if I do anything extra it just I like get to, I like to feel like

there's no extra water weight, there's no, you know what I mean? Yeah. How'd you lose the fat originally? Anorexia. Whoa! Full, full, I only ate grapefruits. That was the move.

Whoa! Grapefruits on the everyday. That sounds like that's gotta be not good. Horrible for the stomach lining, must be. But yeah, and I just started, some kid was just like, do you wanna put my penis in your mouth, and it's in my yeah, and I just started, some kid was just like, do you wanna put my penis in your mouth, and it's in my special, and I was like, yeah. And then the dopamine of getting male satisfaction

made it so that I didn't need to eat anymore. I was like, oh, if I'm skinny, I'll have sex in love, I just have to not eat and suck a lot of cock. Did he actually say it like that? Does that work? Oh yeah, when you're fat, dude, you can do anything to a fat girl. You can literally be like, let's try your butthole

and I'm gonna put two cocks in there and they'll be like, oh okay, why not? Damn, all right. If you have an ex fat girl as a partner, she will be, I mean it's crazy, you can just abuse them. I gotta fatten my wife up. Fatten her up and then slim her down. Oh okay, okay.

That's a trick, yeah, really fat and then slim her down. Yeah, you have to break the self-esteem. Geez, speaking of Oprah, it's like, yeah, fluctuation. Fatten her up then only grapefruits. That's how you do it. Yeah. That's what I worry about with my hot friends. I'm like, what happens when you get old and ugly? Is your life over?

Yeah, you gotta have a personality too. If you're only about your looks, then you're in for a rude awakening at a certain point. So many people are like that though. I know, well they kinda go crazy too. You see Morgan Fairchild on a front lawn, they get drunk and waving the swastika. It's because they're not hot anymore.

Oh yeah, pull that up. A swastika? Well I threw that in there. But they're not hot anymore, so they have to get attention other ways, because they're so used to being treated so well. Oh man, she was like 80s hot. Lot of makeup, big hair, acting crazy.

It's just images you're on. You gotta go to all. What'd she do? She just went nuts in a front lawn one day. Yeah, who hasn't? That's true, that's true. We get fucked up every once in a while. I got bombed the other day.

Every once in a while I feel like I need a reset. other day It's every once in a while. I feel like I need it. I need a reset I need to like feel like shit to know that this is bad. Mm-hmm. You know, yeah, yeah, totally Do you ever how much candy are we talking and like a night? Is it a nightly thing? Well right now it's cake because I got a cake for my special Well, it's like I'll stop eating real food and just go on a candy binge. You know what I mean? It'll be like it's a depression thing, right? it is like, I'll definitely have candy every day. A little bit of candy every day. Oh, for sure.

Really? Oh yeah. What'd you go to? You know what's fucked up? It's Swedish Fish. Oh, those are great. You like those? Oh yeah.

The good is just the funny one to binge on. I love Swedish Fish. I wouldn't have guessed. If you gave me 80 guesses, I wouldn't have. Yeah, I know. I like old lady candy. I like black licorice. I wouldn't have. Yeah, I know. I like old lady candy. I like black licorice.

I like that. Yeah, it's good. Yeesh. Sweetest fish, it's subtle. The beauty of it is the subtlety. It's good. And that gooey, gelatin-y chew. Yeah.

The soft powder outside is good. Yeah. Oh, you are an addict. I am. You're snorting that powder. When I go to the hotel and there's that whole candy, it's fucked up. I have to remove it. Yeah. Is that your routine after a show? You're just chilling in the hotel and you're that whole candy. It's fucked up, I have to remove it. Yeah, is that your routine after a show?

You're just chilling in the hotel and you're like. I don't let myself, well in Canada, me and Jake tore through it all. That's the other thing is Jake sometimes, my opener, very funny comic, Jake Velasquez, will go, he'll become Fat Jake. Usually he's chatty-bee-tee Jake, which is chatty-bee-tee tells him what to eat,

he follows directions. Oh my god, what a nerd. But sometimes I can get him to be Fat Jake and he'll let loose and then we're just in Candy Town. Do the ruffles all dressed or the ketchup lays? That's the best Canada has to offer. What is it, ketchup lays? Oh, you've never had those?

I've never had those. We had bags of it, we were just in Vancouver. They're fucking phenomenal. Oh wow. Yeah, so you're like Denzel in flight but instead of the booze, you're going through the candy. Oh yeah. At the hotel.

Yeah. The Toblerone. Oh, yeah, the Toblerone. Oh, yeah, that's always staring at me. That's why those Bart comedy clubs are so dangerous. Oh, my god. Tell them about the Bart comedy club. Bart comedy club, you walk into the green room,

and there's drawers and drawers. Oh, this is like Spokane. Yeah. I always say, get that shit out of there. Do you really? So much. How do they? It's too much. But it's not only just like it's not like bite-sized. They have like full snickers Yeah, like an entire drawer full of snickers

I think one time Jake got through like 17 Cattle Tales before going on stage and was killed Ralphie May that club Yeah, I don't you knew that but it's so it's like organized So it's all those little little clear drawers and you're like there's my Reese's there's my nerd Snickers all over his face. They feel his neck. They're like, yeah Please but yeah that those clubs it's a nice sentiment, but you're like you're not though. You're dealing with addicts here Yeah Cuz I got I get off the stage and Vita and I would just be stuffing our face with like starbursts and Twizzlers Yeah, by the end we're like what I feel horrible. I feel horrible

It's the same as booze you realize how bad this shit is the second the high goes away Also hangover is the exact same. Yeah. No. Oh, yeah, not as bad, but it's gross It's not if you stay up all night in candy and sample night drinking cuz all the all Alcohol is that hangover is no sleep. Yes, that's right. With the sugar jitters. That's right. So it's the same, it's brutal. I make worse decisions on alcohol.

Oh yeah. That's true, that's why I chose candy. Yeah. It's never made me fuck anybody. It's made me not fuck people. Oh! You eat too much candy, you never have sex. Every time I drank, I had sex with somebody I hated.

Really? Yeah. Every time? Just some guy would be like, I don't like you, and I'd be like, get in here. It was crazy. I didn't know you hated me. But.

Wow. That is a turn on when someone says they don't like you, you're like, it is fucking. It's just immediate. It is a turn on. It's so crazy. Why is that? You want what you can't have,

and you hate yourself, so you're like, I get it. Yeah. We're in a grudge. I don't know how you guys do it, these cum whores for men that come out for men. There was one girl that goes, you were going there, side splitters, she sees Soder's poster, she was at my show,

and I was like, oh, you should go see Soder, he's great, and she goes, yeah, I'm gonna fuck him. Whoa. And I was like, no, I think he's in a pretty committed relationship, and she goes, oh, he'll cheat, and I was like, I don't think he will, and she goes, they all cheat, and. And I was like, I don't think he will. And she goes, they all cheat.

And I went, you are my literal nightmare. Just like a small brunette with huge tits, probably like 21. Just being like, I will force his cock into my body. It was so scary. And I was like, this is, for women it's scary because of other women. For men it's scary because of women.

Tampa's a different breed. And that's true. Tampa chicks are different. Soder is an anomaly, cause he's a different breed. That's true. Tampa chicks are different. Soder is an anomaly because he's a killer comic, but he's also like six, four, good looking face. He's like a hot guy. He'd be a hot guy if he was just like a harmonica player. Yeah.

I'm not a harmonica player. Maybe not a harmonica player. Then you couldn't hear the voice. Oh, good point. But most other jobs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he was like a barista. He'd hear the voice. Yeah. Oh, good point. Oh. But most other jobs, I'm with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, he was like a barista. He'd be like, that's a good looking barista. Yeah, yeah. But here he is just doing comedy and being hilarious. Yeah. So, well, we have to check in after he does Tampa. We'll have him on and see if he fucks that girl. No, this was a while ago.

Oh, all right, well. He's good. He doesn't seem like a guy. No, he's not, he's not. There's no way. And Katie's a good egg. He's also sober. You can't be the sober guy who's fucking around. You what? Oh, he's not, he's not. There's no way. And Katie's a good egg. He's also sober. You can't be the sober guy who's fuckin' around.

You what? Oh, he's sober too. Yeah. Oh yeah, the sobriety thing. But it's intense, the girls who come on. You cheated on me, I had too many gummy bears. And I fuckin'. Yeah, right. Yeah.

Wait, what happened? Just women, if men come up to me, they go like this. They go, do you wanna hang out after? And I go, no, absolutely not, no way. And they go, okay, women, they'll be like, do you wanna fuck? after? And I go, no, absolutely not, no way. And they go, okay, women, they'll be like, do you wanna fuck? And I'll be like, no. And they will not take no for an answer.

And they'll like, because they're not used to anybody saying no to them. And they'll get closer and touchier and grabby. And I'll have to be like, you have to get the fuck. I mean, the amount of times that me and Jake have been like, we now have to get this woman removed. And it's always like a hot girl in a trucker hat who's like we're the same dude. I work in a man's world, too I'm a bassist in a band and like they won't cuz women aren't used to have you ever been with a woman

I have I did not like it. Hmm. I had they want to eat out or what do they what do they want to do? This is our just want to strap on. I don't know. They don't say they don't say I would like to strap on Yeah, I guess that's they were like, are you sure? like are you sure you're not gay you are just try we don't Have to try anything. Well, just wow She it's so pushy sounds like a dude it does just watch a movie right a dude in the 2000s Maybe but now now men are like, all right, I won't do anything Right. Yeah, no, we are more cautious these and we're used to hearing no leave a girl says no you're like Yeah, no, we are more cautious these days. And we're used to hearing no.

Like if a girl says no, you're like, ah, it's about right. On to the next, yeah, yeah, totally. But a woman, I think, is like, no, I won't stand for this. Yeah, a woman is like, I've decided tonight will be the night where I fuck this comic. Wow, but see, here's what, I've mentioned this before, but female comics always go, oh, must be nice for men,

all these girls come up to you, no guy hits on me, but then if a guy does hit on you, you're like, get the hell away from me. So which one is it? It's the men that hit on you you don't even see because they have, it's like you'll see the guy who's like a PA on the, you know, for the show and you'll be like, he's hot. But if it's a fan, we don't see them. Like men, if you see a fan that's like, I want to fuck you, you go, I'll fuck a fan. We don't see fans as men. Okay. No woman has ever told me this. That's the reality. If somebody comes up with, like, can wanna fuck you. You go, I'll fuck a fan. We don't see fans as men. Okay, no woman has ever told me this.

That's the reality. If somebody comes up and they're like, can I have a poster? Also, I'd love to take you out. You're like, what? What are you, like, it's like a little kid. Right. Here's your candy, and they're like,

do you wanna have sex? You're like, no, I'm your babysitter. I see. Whereas for you guys, all women are, you're kind of their babysitter, because all women are little infant, you know what I mean? It's like, I love you, and you're like, yeah. I love infants.

Yeah. But wait, wait, wait, wait. So if it's like a PA at the club or something. Yeah, if the sound guy comes in. Okay, interesting. Yeah, then that's attractive. But if it's a fan, you're like, no woman is attracted to a fan.

I think the PA guy is worse because that's like a work person. Work person's hotter than fan. See, this is good. I've never heard this. What do you think, Mark? Where do you stand? Well, I'm not a woman, so I'm dying. I know, but as a dude, where do you stand on it?

As a dude, I wouldn't care either way. I don't care if it's fan or work, bro, who do I give a shit? Yeah, it's just I think the work is a little worse, I think. Yeah. You're kind of like, eh. They're gonna affect your job. Like now this girl hates you that you work with.

Yeah. I mean, you are leaving. In two days or whatever. But you gotta you work with. Yeah, I mean you are leaving But you gotta go back and be like how's that sound lady and they're like, oh she got promoted and you're like, yeah shit Yeah, that's not good. It's like getting cat called when somebody hits on you at a show. You're like, okay You're like you'll fuck anybody. You're black. You know what I mean? It's like fucking on training wheels a little bit. You're like what am I gonna, yeah, it's like not attractive to fuck a fan as a woman. Okay.

Because we wanna be fanning. Got it. Yeah. You give me honest answers as a woman. Yeah, it's a good answer. Every other girl's like oh shut up, I don't know, put it in my ass. Oh no, we really, yeah, we wanna look up to you guys.

I can't, if I date a guy who's at all, there's any like sycophantic, anyantic, it's disgusting, it's disturbing. Yeah, I guess you do, I guess it is also, it is a turn off if a woman likes me. Well that too, yeah. If someone's like, oh you're great, I'm like ew. Yeah, right, right. It is that Annie Hall shit.

Yes. It always comes back to Annie Hall, but it's like. Don't wanna be a member of a club that would have me, or whatever it is. But that's weird, because then he's attracted to children who've literally been conned into being attracted to him as a provider, you know what I mean? Yeah, but she didn't want him probably, she was a kid.

That's not consent, so you know what? It's like, ew, you're old, which is hot. It lines up. Yeah, that does make sense. Okay, I'm learning a lot here, this is good. The sound guy, yeah, you kind of even. Yeah, the sound guy just has to do his job, he doesn't even wanna be there. Right, right right the fan is like bought tickets yuck

Right, that's crazy also the sound guy can be like hey good show. Yeah What if it's a guy though who's just like yeah, you were all right like it was great. I'll fuck that's what I mean But he's not a fan definitely not in the meet-and-greet line. Yeah, yeah, which is where I would meet them Yeah, he's like yeah, I He's definitely not in the meet and greet line. Yeah, yeah. Which is where I would meet them. Got it. You know what I mean? He's like, yeah, I've seen better, but you were fine. Yeah, I've had guys where their buddy was fanning out and they're like, hey, my buddy's like a huge fan. Will you, he can't talk.

Can you sign this for him? Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, are you not a fan? And he's like, no, I am. And I'm like, okay. Oh, okay. Yeah. I've never done it because I have, the only reason to have sex is to find love forever

for a woman. You don't need to come ever unless it leads to something. That's what I always tell them too. Yeah. But no, but that's like, I know what you mean. Like if there's a guy after a show and he's like shaking, you don't wanna fuck him. There's no way.

Oh, I would love to fuck that guy. Just with the vibration? Yeah. But I think it must be fun as that soda lady with the big tits who's like cute. You're like, I've never gone to a show and seen a female act and been like, I could fuck her. That has never happened once.

I know. If I go see Patti LaBelle, I'm not like, you know what, I could probably flip her. That is such a good point. It is crazy to be sitting in the audience and be like, I'm gonna fuck that guy. But it's reality for a woman. Like she could go to a Maroon 5 concert and be like, I'm gonna fuck that guy. But it's reality for a woman.

She could go to a Maroon 5 concert and be like, I'm hot enough that I could probably fuck whatever the guy's name is with the tattoos. Whereas a guy could never be like, I'll go to this Madonna show and get laid by Madonna. That would never happen. That's a big one though. In an arena, I'm gonna fuck this person.

Madonna was a bit much. That's big. Even like Gwen Stefani's also big. Who's a low level singer? Even Fata Dell wouldn't fuck me. Fata Dell. Fata Dell's still an arena act though. Yeah.

Oh yeah, you're right. I mean we're talking about, you know. Joan Jett now? Who's playing in Long Island? I fucked Joan Baez a few weeks ago. She's got to be 79. Maybe older, actually. I'm trying to think of a female that...

No, I have none. I mean, the joke doesn't work, because we don't know that deep into music. No, no, no. Even to go to the cellar when they're playing that music. Okay. You know what I mean? Even her, I could, the bitch on the fiddle.

Yeah, no way. You'd be like, she's busy, she's doing something. Yeah, it's just crazy. Can you imagine, like, dude, can you imagine if we be like, she's busy, she's doing something. Yeah, it's just crazy. Can you imagine, like, dude, can you imagine if we went to like a, I don't know, like some big people town. But you've never done that? Cause you guys are kind of famous. No. What do you mean, no.

Done what? Gone to a show and be like, I can fuck her. Like you've never gone to like a party and there's like famous people there and you've been like, I think I can hook up with. No. We have friends who think that way and do it. They can do it.

That's crazy. No, I couldn't fuck the rand and do it. They can do it. That's crazy. No, I couldn't fuck the randos at the party. Yeah, no, same. You know that purple shop pay button you see at the checkout? That's Shopify. They make the customer experience simple by keeping your payment and shipping information saved.

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The featured products include compounded products which are not approved nor verified for safety effectiveness or quality by the FDA. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. Prices vary based on this product and subscription plan. Hymns! ED. I'm also just not motivated to... I'll DM forever. I'll DM flirt forever. But yeah, I have my best friend and my dog waiting for me at the hotel. There's no way. The DM flirts underrated it's almost filling the same need in a way it is yeah but you don't have to get a yeast infection you can just jack off and be like yeah it was well worked yeah I guess now I can just watch what I want to watch Jake will be like there'll be a such a hot girl that's my fan that will

come up to him and be like let's fuck right and I'll see him at the hotel with me being like I have to go she is so hot but the hang and I'm like I know it's a really hard choice. The hang is underrated. The hang is crucial. I wasn't even trying to get laid when I'm on a tour bus because I'm just like, I wanna watch a movie with Veeder and with my buddies, I'm like,

we're gonna watch Manhunter tonight, I wanna see that. But someone will just be like, I will blow you in, because you know, Ian, girls will just be like, I'll blow you in the bathroom right now. What? Ian? What does anyone get out of this? The blow job? No, I'll blow you in the bathroom right now. Ian? What does anyone get out of this? The blow job?

No, but I get what he gets out of this. What does the person- I don't understand. You tell us, you're the girl. I don't blow randomly. Come on. No, I only have sex for forever love. I never, or to punish somebody who doesn't love me.

I didn't know you were in a relationship. Is it good? Are you happy? Oh, it's on and off all the time. We break up every other day. But I've never not had that. Okay. But it is like, if I'm in a relationship

and me and you get into a fight, that would be one reason I fuck, right? Just for revenge. Otherwise, it's... You would fuck someone else? Well, if we broke up. Yeah, totally. Damn.

We can get break up at sex. Revenge fuck. Oh, you got it. You're a fiery kooze. Are you good in a fight? Are you a good communicator or are you just vicious? I'm not, I'm windy. I'll wind you up into an insane thing that you can't get out of where if you say one thing,

I'll say it's bad and the other thing, I'll tie you up. Oh, this is making me wildly uncomfortable. Yeah. Oh yeah, it'll be like, what did you mean by that? Because it sounds like you meant this by this and if you meant that by that, then we have to break up. So did you mean this or that? And I'll be like, that?

And I'll be like, I knew it, it's over. It's like that. Wow. And then if he's like, okay fine, we can end it, I'll be like, what do you, you wanna end it? It's like that. Oh, you're a minefield. It's fucked up.

Yeah. Thanks. Yeah, I'm in therapy, Alan's helping, Alan's helping. The problem with Alan is Alan is the stand up for you guy. Yeah, he is. Alan is like, he's like, you need to stand up for yourself, which is a little fucked up sometimes because I'm like, I'm wrong a lot. And he's like, you're never wrong.

He does, yeah, you're right. He does that. You're right. And he taught me to assert myself. He's like, you gotta assert. And he raises prices. And I was like, that's too high. And he's like, well, that's what it is.

So I haven't gone in two years. I'm two years. But it worked. He taught me that. It worked. I was like you fucked yourself here Al. You negotiated against against him. Yeah I mean he like I think he saw the Netflix special and he was like oh you can afford more than $17 and he upped it like 500% and I was like I'm out. Yeah. You had him if you crumpled up bills. I threw it in his face. Yeah, you had a few crumpled up bills You're leaving the session crying like I do so much I'll come in I'll owe him like $2,000 and just come in with 50s and be like and he's like, thank you. It's so he's also big on the parent Alan's always like oh, that's your parents. That's your parents. I'm like, what I'm killing prostitutes

Yeah, he's big on the parents. I know. And I'm like, what? I'm killing prostitutes. Like, that's your parents. Yeah, he's big on the parents. I know, and sometimes I'm like, Alan, I'm doing bad things. And he's like, no, he's bad. Some of these parents, it's not, some of these serial killers had normal parents. I know, I know. Sometimes you're just a bad little shit. Exactly, exactly.

People are bad. I mean, there's, I think sociopathy is just, it's like an eight, right? It's just in you. Yeah. You can't become a sociopath, right? Have you ever met somebody that you're like, close? I'm in showbiz, yes. I know a good one.

Yeah, I mean, I have people that represent me where I'm like, that guy could kill some people. Yeah, totally. He strangled a couple prostitutes. Oh yeah. So I'm fascinated by the fact that you say you only have sex for love. I didn't know that about you, that's interesting.

Oh yeah, I mean, I was talking to Steph Tolov because she has like a hit list of guys she's fucked. It's the funniest list. A hit list? I mean, you know, of sex. What do they call that in Spanish? A list? Schindler's List?

What's it called? Body Count? Body Count, very different than a hit list. Hit list, yeah. Hit list people you wanna kill. But she has them all named as like Lake Man. They all have names that she can remember it, where it's like, two kids lives with mom, stuff like that.

And I was like, oh yeah, I never have fucked on the road. I mean, I fucked once maybe. Well, that's part of the problem is we do this whole thing of men and women were the same, but we're so different. No way, so different. 90% of the women I've had sex with, I have no recollection of it. Yeah.

I never got their name, I never thought about it twice. It's just an oil change for a guy. It's an oil change. I know that sounds crass, but it's just how we're wired. I'm sorry. Yeah, the release is literally so we can be a human again. Yeah. So that they can fill back up.

It's like werewolf shit. Yeah, it is. It is. And that's why we want to leave after, because we're like, oh, what the hell, I'm hanging out with you. But why don't you just jerk off? Oh, I've done it. That's what we do now.

You ever do, you ever in a fight with someone you're dating and you just jerk off before and you're like, none of your powers are working? Oh. I'll jerk off and I'll pop an ad roll and I'll be like Superman. I'll be fucking like, I'll be like, I'll be just dodging her dumb fucking, it's amazing.

That's awesome. Her tits and her cleavage and her ass like. Maybe I should do that before I fight. Ah, I don't know. Come? Same for a lady. Yeah, I know, I just get sleepy. I just pass out for six hours every time.

No, but I think the jerk off is a powerful maneuver. Totally, totally. It used as a tactic in a relationship, you're like, oh, you get the power back. Because they know you want to get laid. Right. How often are you guys having sex in long-term relationships?

Well, my wife just had a baby. Yeah. So you're not allowed to have sex for six weeks. So we had sex six weeks to the day. Nice. Wow. Yeah and I just did her again on accident. Oh my god. Do you think you're gonna get round to it? No no we checked. We're good. I don't think it can do it like oh I guess Irish twins happen. Oh. It comes up right? That's right. Wow. Would you be okay with a second kid? Well, I would go with it. It's kinda nice to knock it out, actually, I think.

Yeah, I think you might, you should. Yeah. You think you'll have a second kid? No, I don't think she's pregnant again, but I think I would like a second. Wow, what'd you do? Yeah, it helps to have them together. Yes.

You've met only children? Are they bad? Oh yeah. They're like comedians. They're the worst. They just don't learn to share. They get Oh yeah, they're like comedians. They're the worst. They just don't learn to share. They get, yeah, they don't have, you know, it's like if you've been out to dinner with somebody

who like, is like, demands that there's no tapas, that's it on the child. You know what I mean? Like they don't learn how to fight. Like they don't learn that they'll get their shit kicked in if they call somebody a name. Right. That's what I've realized with people

where I'll be like, you can't say this shit, and they're like, why not? I can say what I want. I'm like, oh, you never had an older sister that just ran your head into a drag. I'll beat you up, that's a good point. Siblings keep you in check. You're like, I'm wearing a boa and sunglasses,

they rip that off you and kick you in the balls. Okay, I needed that. Very necessary. You gotta have two, and they can hang out with each other. I don't have to entertain two kids or one kid. If they have two kids, now you're playing basketball or whatever, wrestling. Yeah.

Go nuts. Can you crank it out that fast? Your vagina just rips open and then you just do it again? Do you want kids? I don't know. My whole thing is if I get pregnant, I'll have it. If I don't, I will never. I'm very animal oriented.

I really treat my dog like a baby and feel totally whole. I think last time we talked, you met a guy at the dog park. Didn't that happen? Oh yeah. We went on a date. It was a very meat cute, but yeah, brutal kisser. I'm all about if the kissing is bad, we can't.

What's a bad kisser? Teeth? No, teeth is even better. Teeth I can work with. Really? It's the zero mouth open. Oh, it's just. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What is that? It's just a, I don't know, it's just fear. How weird. It's just a form of fear. Oh, yeah, you're right. And I've had the opposite where the girl's like. Oh, that's rough too. Paint the fence, take it easy sister. Jesus Christ, yeah, you're right. And I've had the opposite where the girl's like. Oh, that's rough too. Paint the fence, take it easy.

Jesus Christ, yeah, that's awful. I mean, she was in a wheelchair with MLS, but still. Yeah. Yikes, dog park pickup, that's like a rom-com. The dog park pickup was very cute, yeah. The other thing is I don't think I would want to date a guy who has a dog. Oh, you wanna be the dog.

I wanna be the dog, it's also like a bit of a form of weakness to me a dog Yeah, to me. It's the opposite to me. It's like the person knows responsibility No, I prefer a guy who's like I don't want to fuck a guy with a dog. Yeah No respond, but why do you need a dog? Cuz you're slightly codependent in a gooey gooey boy. If I didn't do this job. I would if I didn't have this job I would absolutely do it have a dog. Yeah. In the city, though, you gotta walk it. Dogs are fun, man.

They're fun, but I feel like in the city it's tough. It is tough. You would never do a dog? I wouldn't do a dog. I have a cat. Well, a cat is not a cat. What? Your cat is not a cat.

That's true. You know my cat? My dog knows your cat. Your cat, I kept doing the funniest game. His cat is 45 pounds. Yes. And I kept throwing Coyote's game, his cat is 45 pounds. Yes. And I kept throwing Coyote's toy, my dog is 15 pounds,

kept throwing Coyote's toy near the cat, and Coyote would like try and get it and get as close as possible, and the second the cat would move, she would like zip out of the room. Oh yeah, wait, when did your dog meet my cat? It was at Broussard's birthday party, they were babies.

That's my cat, a Maine Coon. Yeah, but you're not, a Maine Coon is like this big, your cat is the biggest. It's you, my cat, a Maine Coon. Yeah, but you're not. You can't say that word. A Maine Coon is like this big. Your cat is the biggest. It's huge. Big paws, big head, crazy. It looks like it should be illegal. Yes. It looks like you own.

It's like a Lynx. It's so huge. It's huge, but I didn't want a cat and the wife was pushing it and I gave in. That's realistic. That's the cat. That's literally, you think that's Photoshopped and such. In German, the word for Maine Coon translates

to living room tiger. It's so. Because that's whatped and thought. In German, the word for Maine Coon translates to living room tiger. It's so. Because that's what it is. Mmm. Yeah. It's awesome. Beautiful. But I would say that's a dog.

It's a dog, it plays fetch, it greets you at the door. I like that. It's great. Yeah, maybe a cat's a move at some point, who knows. Love a cat. But their piss smells like piss. Well, you go litter box. Do you have auto clean? No, but I have my house, I keep it in the back. So I don't see it. Oh, you go litter box. Do you have an auto clean?

No, but I have a, my house, I keep it in the back. So I don't see it. Oh, that's good. But I have to change it. That cat probably shits human. Oh, it's bigger than Ian, the bite at that shit. I like how I said cat piss and we all thought of Ian. Yeah, Ian does seem like he has a smelly taste. It's so, so. Should we do a peeve? Oh yeah. Let's get some peeves cooking again.

We got some guest peeves. What do we got? Or listener peeves. You should get a dog, Sam. I bring Coyote everywhere, it's the best. I can't do it now. Another difference between men and women, you see a guy with a dog and you go, co-dependent, nerd.

Gay. You just said you would never fuck a guy with a dog. You should get a dog. Well you like them. I do like them, I know, but what if other women think this way? Women love guys with dogs. Well you like them. I do like them, I know, but what if other women think this way? Women love guys with dogs.

Okay. Not you though. I just like, I prefer somebody who's like zero attachments. I'm really- You wanna be the center of the world? No, I want them to hate everybody, including me, but sometimes they let me in a little bit. Whoa.

I really- You like this, why do you think that is? My parents. Yeah. Zero wants growing up. Alan. Zero, Alan, yeah. But I don't, my mom, the game we used to play Why do you think that is my parents? Zero I'm throwing Allen zero Alan Yeah But I don't my mom our game the game we used to play was called no kisses today

Which is where me and my sister would try and kiss my mom and she would forehead It was so fun. It was so fun, but I fucking revealing yeah But I only realized recently that wasn't a game that everybody plays Wow Like this and she'd push like that was the best game my dad did the opposite game He was like here's a bunch of kisses.. Wow. And you'd go like this, and she'd push like that, it was the best game. My dad did the opposite game. He was like, here's a bunch of kisses when you don't want them. Yeah.

How do you kiss your penis? Oh, weird. Okay, wow, an unfriendly lesbian? I've never heard of such things. Oh, so unfriendly. My mom's just a man. She's just, that's why she fucks women. She's a man.

If she were like now, she'd be trans. Oh, wow. 100%. Really? Interesting. You're really close with your mom though, right? Oh yeah. But two moms. Two moms, one is a man. If she were like now, she'd be trans. Oh wow. Really? It's interesting. You're really close with your mom though, right? Oh yeah. But two moms? Two moms, one is a mommy.

My stepmom is like mommy. Okay, got it. And she's very touchy and I go, and she goes, I'm doing it, and I go like that. But my mom is like, we don't touch. Whoa. Yeah.

All right. She came to my special and was crying and my sister was videotaping. Just because we never see her cry and she was like, just get the fuck out of here. I was like, no. She was just proud. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's cool. It was cool. Man, I'm learning a lot. And what's your mom like? What does she behave like at a special like that? The sweet mom? She did my hair. Nice.

Yeah, so she's just like touching my hair and like, yeah, like that. So it's yin and yang. It's very yin, but they're not together anymore because my mom was too mean. Whoa. But they're very good friends. My mom has two pit bulls,

I will never be in a relationship again. She cheats constantly. I found out she fucked two dudes recently. Whoa. Two dudes cheated on Michelle. We just did a podcast here the other day and Michelle was like what about the two dudes you fucked, and mom was like that was conference sex.

Conference? I don't know. I guess it means. Two dudes at once, is that what you fucked? Mom was like, that was conference sex. And I was like, what? Conference? Conference? I don't know. I guess it means. Two dudes at once? Is that what it means? No, no, it's separate dudes.

Like conference call? No, no, like she was at a conference and I guess didn't think it counted. Is she attractive? My mom? Yeah, she's swaggy. She's super swaggy. Guys don't care about swag.

Poul, Poul, Sue, Sue Cosentini. Give me the weight. So she's bi. She's bi. All right. Oh, you're gonna... Oh, oh, oh, we don't have to pull your, I don't wanna show your mom's hotness level.

She is kinda swaggy. Yeah, she's swaggy. Yeah, I thought it was Sammy Hagar. But either way. Yeah. Wow, oh yeah, all right. Oh, she did Rick Glassman's pot, huh? I saw her.

No, that was his mom. Oh, sorry Rick. Oh yeah, I can see it. Yeah. Well, who was the sperm though, for you? My dad. And you don't talk to your dad. Oh, he died, okay.

Yeah. Yeah, he's dead, so you can't talk to him. But he was also very hot. He's a hot guy? Yeah. Were you close with your dad. Oh, he died, okay. Yeah. Yeah, he's dead, so you can't talk to him. But he was also very hot. He's a hot guy? Yeah. Were you close with your dad? Super close, yeah. When did he pass?

Super close. Oh, shit. Your dad fucked you? Yeah, we fucked. Damn. No, but my dad was, we were like best friends. He died when I was like 58, when he was 58. So like 10 years ago.

Wow. It was like the way he wanted to go. He was like, I do not want to get old. I just want to work and die. It was good. It was actually great. No, he just had a bunch of weed, some NyQuil, died in his sleep.

He smoked two packs a day. Oh wow. So. Whoa, where are you from again? Upstate New York. Oh that's why. Ithaca Lansing, yeah. Yeah, that's a dark area.

Yeah, it is a dark area. That's like a high suicide rate, that area. Well the Asians. So the Asians, their parents go like this. Their parents it is a dark area. That's like a high suicide rate, that area. Well, the Asians. So the Asians, their parents go like this, their parents go, you have to go to an Ivy League school or we kill you. So they go to Cornell, which is the least Ivy League school, and then they get a B

and they jump off one of our gorges because we have gorges everywhere. Beautiful gorges. So then we built Asian catchers. Like the Apple Store. Yeah, like the Apple Store, these big nets that catch them. That's why I used to call dating apps Asian catchers. Yeah, like the Apple Store, these big nets that catch them. That's why I used to call dating apps Asian catchers.

Yeah, yeah. That's a good dating app. Asian net. And then we catch the Asians and we pull them out. Yeah, I mean, it is a depressing place. I feel like a lot of great writers came from there. Like didn't like Raymond Carver. Yeah.

Yeah, Raymond Carver, Jay McInerney, like all these like dark writers. He at least was like a student there or something. All these great writers, because it's miserable and it's cold, and there's a darkness to it. I just did Ithaca, I just performed there, it was great. Where'd you go, the state?

Yeah. Oh, that's beautiful. The theater, beautiful. I did Buffalo's killer, Buffalo's great. Buffalo's dark, that Buffalo has no, because Ithaca at least has like a Narnia quality, where it's small and there's waterfalls. Buffy is- Dippy, dippy.

Yeah. Buffalo's like- I like Buffalo. Buffalo's rough. I mean, I love the crowds there because they need a fucking laugh. Yeah. So cold. I love them because the women there are like,

they are funnier than most female comics. I lived in Buffalo for three months and they were just like fat, slap hoggy women who would just randomly be like, I'm taking off my shirt, not to be sexy, but just like, it's too hot, I'm too hot, you know what I mean? And they were just like, everybody,

we're playing rugby now. But they were all straight with a boyfriend that was castrated. I think that was my opener. I said all the women on Tinder here look like Artie Lang. Yeah, yeah, totally. Yeah, the Buffalo uniform is a Bill's Jersey, pajama pants and a scowl.

Yes, yes. But great food in Buffalo, they really do have good food. They do have good food. I mean they eat well, you gotta have good food in a cold weather place. Well it was like a boom town for a while, then all the shit went, like Rochester,

Buffalo, it all went to hell. Yeah. Syracuse. Yeah, Kodak. Even in Minneapolis, Buffalo, it all went to hell. Yeah. Syracuse. Yeah, Kodak. You've been to Minneapolis? That's like a secret. I love Minneapolis.

That place is bizarrely well run. The area I was performing in was rough. Oh really? I was like in downtown, like right by the arena, I'm like this is fucking a rough part of town. Oh I didn't see any of that. Most Somalis in America. Okay the Somali thing is so funny.

Yeah. I cannot, when I was there, I could not stop asking questions about it. The fact that it's all these Midwesterners that are so sweet, and then the blackest people. Yeah. You know what I mean? And they're just like, no, the more the merrier,

come on in. And it's just a full, because it's like when you go to Williamsburg, and it's an entire different tribe of people. Yes. You know what I mean? And you're like, okay, I guess this is just, it's so blatant.

Here it's like so integrated, but there it's like fat little ladies resting their little paws on their bellies with castrills and like black pirates. And then James you say we're the captain now. You know what I mean? Like a man holding a machete and they're like, come on in, use it to cut the cake. That's crazy.

Yeah, yeah, Minneapolis, I was there in the summer, the first time I ever performed there, and I was like, this town is great, and the guy's driving me around the city, and I'm like, why don't more people live here? This is an amazing hidden gem, and he's like, the cold is so bad, it keeps people out. Oh, I mean, that's one part I don't love about that,

downtown, is that everything is like an indoor mall thing. So you're like, on maps, you're like, wait, where's this coffee shop? And you're like, oh, I have to go through like a tunnel. Yeah. So you're like, on maps, you're like, wait, where's this coffee shop? And you're like, oh, I have to go through a tunnel. Yeah. So I don't love that, but yeah, Minneapolis is a great city. People love tunnels.

We don't like talking about them, though. You keep them a secret. My favorite city is Toronto, I think. Toronto's awesome. It's your number one city. Yeah. Come on. I love Toronto, but number one?

You mean like in Europe, including Europe and stuff? No, no, let's go in the tri-state air or the new US and Canada, there you go. US and Toronto. Wow over New York. Oh Well, New York is hard because I have it down, but I live here Toronto is like clean New York. Oh, how about Vancouver? No too much weed. Mm? No, too much weed. Way too much weed. You don't like weed? They do dabs. That's true.

I like, the Toronto audiences are so hot. They're good with comedy. They treat me like a celebrity. The, I like how integrated everything is. Like here it's just like black, white, Mexican. But there it's like every different. Yeah, that's true. You know what I mean?

And it's just well maintained. Yeah, it's a good city. It's there in New York. Vancouver, they do dabs. I asked them, I was like, what are you guys smoking? And they were like, a bunch of them were like dabs. And heroin is huge. Hastings Street is like walking dead.

There's a guy with a fucking machete right outside, I was trying to get out my door and they're like, stay put, fucking machete. Yeah. I think I said this last week. Winnipe and they're like, stay put, fucking machete. Yeah. I think I said this last week. Winnipeg is crazy too. Oh yeah, that's a sad place. It's a good comedy town.

Great comedy town. One thing I noticed about Winnipeg, beautiful women with ugly guys. Oh yeah, we noticed that too. Oh, there you go. Yes. You see a guy who looks like Joe List and you're like, wow, his girlfriend is gorgeous.

Really hot women, very interesting, yeah. Yeah, that was sad. Really good accent though. Yeah, I'm going to Winnipeg soon, I can't wait, man. They hate us up there. Do they hate us? Well, Trump. That was better, yeah.

Oh yeah, they hate Trump, they broke up with him. Oh yeah. He broke up with them. We'll see what happens. But he said, I'll make you my bitch. You know, he wasn't cool. And then Canada said, I'm not, I'm bucking you. Which I thought was a little bitchy.

No, it's a divorce and we're the children and it's our dad's fault for sure. Yeah, totally. But we gotta, you know. Mexico as well. And we don't mind that much, like she was the, you know, she was a good cook but. They were like, we're America, we'll find someone else.

Yeah, it's really fun. Yeah, we'll go to Cuba if we have to, or Haiti. But Mexico's mad at us too, both are upstairs and downstairs neighbors in the apartment They hate us. They're like hitting us with broomsticks on the ceiling. It's not good. Why is Mexico mad at us? Golf of America. I mean I think Trump's been poking them for quite some time. Oh, yeah Yeah, I mean why were they driving a ship through here? Oh that was bad. Hispanic Titanic That's what I've been calling that. How do you not know that thing is gonna hit you?

Well, it was drifting, because they were like, they turned the motor off. And so they were like, getting up on the mast, now they're half-mast, but they were getting up on the mast and they were like, hey everybody, and they didn't realize they were drifting into the bridge. Yeah, that was, but it didn't shut it down. I went right over it that next day.

Oh no, yeah, the bridge was fine. Who needs a wall? How did they not know? I guess they're not used to being tall. I tweeted that thing. You did? I did that same joke, yeah. No, really?

Yeah, yeah. Look at that. Oh, and there's people on there, by the way. Those sails are full of people. They're like standing. Two people died. Yeah. RIP.

Build that bridge. That is crazy. Really cool that our bridge didn't fucking budge though. No, it's a wooden ship. But what were they doing? They were just showing some stuff? I think they were, it was the part of the Mexican Navy, which you know, they should have been in our waters.

Just kidding. What's your number one city, Sam? In America, outside of New York, outside New York, I like Chicago, I like SF, I like... Chicago has too many men that wear no-show socks. It's too many queer streets. Right now, the whole city based on socks? Yeah, it's too many like, I mean, not gay men,

but gay men married to women. You know what I mean? Men with like, maybe like a- Well that should work to my advantage because then there's more available women. Oh yeah, great for you. I like Chicago, I love Chicago, I love SF. What do you think, Mark? SF sick.

I mean, those are both great cities. I try to find a hidden gem, like a sleeper, because everybody knows those are great. So you ever been to Wilmington, North Carolina? That's a great city. Great town, great town. Beach town, yeah. Yeah, southern, but still fun.

It's got a New Orleans vibe, but not all Cajun-y. It's not played out really. I haven't been there in years, but I've been there a few times and I loved it. The Carolinas are great, like Asheville's great. Providence is cool. Providence is a great town. Underrated.

I love Providence. It's cool because it's a beach town, but there's a mafia vibe. Yes. And more strip clubs than any city per capita. Foxy Ladies, Eggs and Legs. Yeah. What else?

What else is a good city? Tempe is fun, if you're really getting after it. Dude, I had a great time in Seattle, honestly. Seattle's fun. Seattle's fun. Seattle's sick. Killer. Yeah, trying to think some off the beaten path. Madison, great town.

Sometimes I just think of the shows though. I'm like, what's a good city? I'm like, I had a good show there. I know, Madison's so hot, it's crazy. Honestly, I had a great time in Milwaukee. I loved it. Oh really? I've never been to Milwaukee.

I'm going there soon. I love Milwaukee. I never been to New Mexico either, I realized what's in a face and a face sick Really? Yeah, I think it's cool. You don't like it. Ah little dry Yeah, tumbleweed It's it's very Hispanic. Bozeman, Montana. That's very pretty cool. Very pretty. Yeah, you should go like Yellowstone vibes Yeah, very earthy very fun. Although I got heckled an hour. That crowd was the drunkest I've ever seen.

Oh, they get fucked up. That's the problem with the hidden gems are they're wasted. Yeah, that's true. Because they're so far off the map, it's all they can do. Oh yeah. Winnipeg got fucked up.

Winnipeg is a weird place. It is, Neil Young's from there. Oh, it's Stab City or something, what did they always say? Stab City? Never take a Winnipeg handshake? Which is just where somebody stabs you whoa nine people said that was there what no guns there, so they're stabby. They're stabby But it's not an awful adjective about He's a little stabby. Yeah, no list with cities where Joe's scared to go outside and he's scared of the coop

Yeah, what is that? He lives in cooped in billsville, where in New York. Because things happen to him, like in Vegas he got like circled by kids on a bike. Oh, that's right. You know when you're scared, it kind of like finds you? Yes, yes. It's like my friends who lock their money up and shit, they always get robbed.

You know what I mean? Right. He always like whack shit happens to him. That is so true. Yeah, you have to just be like. You just walk around confidently and if something happens, it happens. Dude, I feel like Steve Rogers has been punched in the head by almost everybody.

Yeah! Well, he's got a real punchable mug, that guy. He was like a little kid. But we were at my wedding in New Orleans and Liss is like, this town's crazy, there's too many psychos here. And Andy Haynes, we're all eating at this brunch spot. Andy Haynes is like, shut up, you big pussy, what are you talking about? He's like very progressive. He's like, shut up, you big pussy, what are you talking about? You know, he's like very progressive,

he's like, it's fine. And we look outside, there's a guy getting stabbed in the courtyard, and the cops come, and List is like, thank you very much, all right, here we go. The cops start stabbing List. Yeah, he's like, I saw your last special, I hated it. Yeah, but that was a true story.

New Orleans is very violent. It's wild, that's a great city though, too. That's a fun city. That's a great city. New Orleans is very violent. It's wild. That's a great city, though, too. That's a fun city. That's a great city. Not a great comedy city. No. No. Although the last one I did was pretty,

the Fillmore last time was pretty fun. Oh, the Fillmore. Savros told me that's a tough room. I liked them. OK. It's funny. I liked them. And then my agent forwarded me an email being like,

this is the worst show I've ever seen. And I was like, well, that was a pretty good one. And why you forwarded me these hate emails? Because these things I find, I do find them funny. Okay, okay. I think when someone writes a long thing about how much they hated the show, I find it funny. That is enjoyable.

Yeah. Sometimes I get the lady, like, you were so offensive, you should be ashamed of yourself, and I'm like, that's funny. Yeah, yeah, no, it wasn't like, you know, you should kill yourself, it was like, he's disgusting, awful, I find that shit kind of funny. Do you get women, because you're a lady, so are women like, you're kill yourself. It was like, he's like disgusting, awful. I was like, I find that shit kind of funny. Do you get women, cause you're a lady,

so are women like, you're not being lady-like and you're wearing pants that are torn and your hair is weird? No way. Okay, good. No, but I don't read anything. I don't read comments. Oh really?

I don't read emails. Buckle up, I can show you some stuff. I don't. People send it to me. I cannot, I can't read comments. Who sends you that stuff? My friends will be like, fuck this guy, and it's like somebody being like. Oh my god, my mom does that stuff my friends will be like fuck this guy And it's like somebody be my god my mom does yeah, my mom's like I read this awful review

And I'm like I never would have seen this yeah No, I don't need any anything like that because I don't yeah I don't want to know if I have cancer don't want to know if somebody cheats on me I want to know about the cancer. I want to be kept in the dark the cancer you should know about Not if it's terminal. Yeah, if it it's treatable, I'd like to know. Yeah, I wanna know that. But yeah, if somebody cheats on me, I'm like, keep me in the dark.

But yeah, I don't wanna know what people think. I had one woman try to fight me on a stage, cause I asked. Whoa. Yeah, but they got her. I mean, because I was like, do you have a weird relationship with your dad? And she got weird, and I was like, don't get weird.

I was like, did you fuck him? Did you guys fuck? And she stormed off and was sobbing in a bathroom and then I just like went in all about her. I was like this is all just a move to get this guy to go in there after her and he was like it's true, it's true. And then she came out of the bathroom

and I realized she heard everything because there was a speaker going in there and she tried to storm on stage. That was in Appleton. Interesting town. Wisconsin. Yeah, wow, that's crazy. I've been there, yeah.

It's kind of a cute city, but it's definitely off the beaten path. That's one of those, some of these connect flight cities, I'm like, fuck. Oh yeah, just Spokane or whatever. Yeah. Well that's not a bad club, but. That's a good club.

Yeah, but sometimes when you're connecting, you're like, this could be tough. Yeah, but that's a good club. Yeah, but sometimes you know when you're connecting you're like this could be tough Yeah, I was a little we getting that little plane to connect. They're like this is the this is the bullshit Express Yeah, right the turbulence is crazy. Yes, I'm getting I never was scared of turbulence, and now I'm scared of it Yeah, I never cared. I was ready to die. Have you been on a private jet yet too much turbulence? I don't like it. That is real turbulence where you're like whoa? Whoa, you have karma like I've been on a turbulence, where you're like, whoa, whoa! And you have karma, like I've been on a plane with like,

you know, when I'm on a private jet, it's like with Louie or something. Yeah. And I'm like, if you're so rich that you're taking a private jet, if God is going to smite either the commercial jet full of children or Louie CK and me, it's going to choose us.

Like, we are going down. Have you seen him wig out? He hates, he's like, woo, woo, woo! You're like, hey man, come on, I look up to you. Keep it together, what are you doing? It is funny to meet your heroes and be like, what the fuck was that? Yes, yes!

See that they're scared of bees? Like no! Right, right. It is weird though, because you're also in the top.0001% if you're on a private jet in that moment. And you're like, this sucks. I know. Yeah.

Why is it, there's so much room, just because they're small. It's smaller. Yeah, the wind's throwing it around. It's so scary. That's why those big New York to LA planes are kind of like, in a way, great. I mean, they're annoying because they get them.

Those are the ones I like, yeah. Yeah, but you're like, I feel better, I mean. I like when there are children around me, because I'm like, this is, we're okay. We're okay. I mean I like when there are children around me cuz I'm like this is we're okay Okay, I'm the least important person who dies on this. That's okay. You know what I mean? Yeah, I'm gonna private jet I'm like dude totally going down first part of that was same as Jared Fogel, but yeah Something was coming kids around me. I feel good. I almost used to comedian, but I turned it around to another guy Are there kids around me? I feel good.

I almost used to comedian, but I turned it around to another guy. Spacey's took a lot of strays. Yeah. I like to mix it around here. We'd love to have you on, Kev. It's also good to have a woman. We haven't had a woman on this show forever.

Wow, this is, yeah. Well, this is, we're easing back into women. Even I looked around, I was like, did you hear? Yeah, has Rosalind here? What happened? That might be our last woman. You got a title for the thing? Special? I think it's going to be called

Take Me With You. Or Speedbag. I'm choosing between the two. Wait, Take Me With You or Speedbag? I don't know, I kind of like Take Me With You. That's kind of fun. Yeah, it's more tidally, but Speedbag is, I think, a drugs. What are you probably talking about?

Speedbag is what I describe the loose skin that was on my stomach. Oh, when you say that, that's kind of fun. That's kind of fun. But take me with you is like, just a little part where I say when somebody breaks up with me, I'm like, yeah, get out of here, run, take me with you.

Oh, got it, got it. And I was thinking about just having that in the beginning and then having take me with you and then going into it. I like it, that sounds more like a title, take me with you, I can see that on Netflix. It's Netflix, right? Yeah. Oh, congrats.

It's hopefully September, we hope. If they do that, they might push it forever, right? I don't know. Nah. I don't know why. OK. But you got to do all the promoting. They don't promote those bloodsuckers.

I got to do a whole podcast thing? Yeah, oh yeah. Go out to LA, do Bobby and say Tino and the other guy Whatever the other guy Podcasts there's no other secret. You could go on Fox News and talk about stuff Okay, but it's not like you have to like do a I don't have to hire a No, don't get the publicist. They'll rape you it but I mean They ever work though today. I'm'm always touring, they just do everything.

I mean it's just like I'm always on the road, so they just, you know. Well they'll be like, it'll be 14,000. Mine's not that bad. We'll get you on We Might Be Drunk. Oh okay, okay, okay. Wait, I can just text somebody. Okay.

So be weary of that. Okay. We'll get you on the Seller Podcast. Yeah. Like, no one listens to that. Yeah. What are we doing? I don't wanna talk about Gaza. Okay. We'll get you on the seller podcast. Yeah. Like, no one listens to that. Yeah. What are we doing? I don't want to talk about Gaza. Yeah. You want to, you want to, yeah, just do the pods and do whatever, you know, do whatever. I always feel like it's good to get outside of our bubble too. Yeah. I feel like every time, cause yeah, I do the

same shit, I pay these people and then they're like, we got you on two bears. I'm like, I know them. Yeah. I know, I know. That's one thing, Schultz went on Barry Weiss, Beckett Kelly, Shea Shea. I'm like, oh wow, he really got out of the bubble. I was thinking about getting a stencil and spray painting it, Jordan Jensen, Netflix, all through Brooklyn and Manhattan. Hey, old school.

That'd be cool, right? Grass roots. Nobody's done that. That's true, that's true. It would be Jordan Jensen, Netflix, da da da da da. Because you see those and you're like who had the balls to do and I've always wanted to Beauty well you should pay a migrant to do that that don't do the publicist do the migrant. That's not good. That's good Haha, good a dollar a day Or teen or teen yeah get an NYU kid or something

I saw a teen stealing the other day. Little, maybe like 11 year old black kid ran out with some, what is it called? That you put, wash clothes with it, I don't use. Detergent. Detergent. Ran out with it. That's rough that you didn't know that word. Yeah, I know, I know.

Ran out with it. He had some booze tasty. I used Dr. Browners. And ran out with it. What is that other thing, soap? Yeah, what is it? Soap? In a tampon?

I could go with an old rag. Dude, I'm out on tampons. Biggest decision of my life. What? Your pad chick? Dude, I've been against pads my entire life. Here's the deal. Tampons, disgusting.

Witch's finger that absorbs blood and then sits in your pussy? It is a crazy concept. It's gross, but they taste good. You go wings or no? Wow, you are married. Yeah, I do like the wings. I know nothing that's happening right now. I'm like what?

Red Bull, it gives you wings. Wings are great, the wings are good. Okay. Yep, I'm all about pads. Ladies, I know you're not watching this podcast, but go pads. That was for like special needs women who can't. Dude, that's what I thought too.

I'm almost thinking about going full, like have you seen diapers for, they're like soft and you can just pull it right out. Yeah, boy, oh boy. You're gonna cruise. Diapers? Oh, senior citizen age. No, they have big diapers.

I mean the ones that your kid wears, I think could stretch out nice and tight. This is the slippery slope. I like it, you're against banks, but you're down for depends. Oh yeah. I was a bed wetter, so I wore those. Oh really, a bed wetter?

Big time. At sleepovers, you ever do it? Oh yeah. It sucks. I would stay up all night like a patrolman, and then eventually conk out and fall asleep for two seconds, you're like, ah, covered in piss. What is that? Is it a nightmare you have in U of P?

They say it's trauma. I had some weird, I had a weird childhood. Was sex stuff? No, no, break-ins and a bad home. Oh, break-ins will do it. Oh yeah. Middle of the night fear. Yeah, like I remember being like an eight year old

and I would hear people like breaking shit in the living room, because I lived above the living room and I could hear it and you're like, there's a guy in my house. That's so scary. It was terrifying, but you would all eat dinner or breakfast the next morning,

no one brought it up. So you get a bad side effect to like an already bad thing. Yes, good point. Yeah. I was just so, I think I was just so scared. Yeah. That sucks. Good times.

I was scared at night, I would hallucinate all the time. Really? You ever do that in the middle of the night? What is it, yeah, like what? Where you just like see shit, I would always see these things that I thought were fingers. Anytime I got a fever, I would see a finger poking out of all these places and my mom would come in

and I'd be like, get the finger, and she'd be like, it's in your hair. To your dad? It was a cock. It was a cock. Because my dad would walk around naked. It took me forever to realize it was a big penis. Because I was like, it's a big finger.

It's like a thick, big finger. And then as I began. You got your revenge by referring to his cock as a finger. Finger, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Get your finger out of here. I see a guy like a coat rack and you're like, is that a guy?

Oh my God, the coat racks. But never had the dick finger dead. Our brains would do crazy things when we said coat on a chair. Yeah. That's the scariest thing I've ever seen. 100%. Or like in wood, on wood paneling. Yes, yes, the face.

So scary, so scary. I still have home at home invasion up here Like I'm scared of spiders or heights or whatever home invasion is my I got a real problem with that And you and it happened to you in New York, too, which is like yeah, that's true. That's true Did somebody steal your he when he was in the village? Yeah, you left town I came in through the window on the fire escape. He climbed up the fire escape I left my window open. I was on the second floor. He was a crackhead, broken, stepped across my bed so he could see the footprints.

And then- That's more horrifying. Horrifying. And then I came home and a bunch of shit was turned over, but he found I had a drawer with all my good stuff in it. I didn't have a safe, I had a drawer. Because I had cash, drugs, brass knuckles, a knife, you know, all cool guy shit, you know?

Baseball cards, a Playboy, a slingshot. But I had like six grand in cash from seller spots. I would just throw it in there every night and he took all of it. I know, I have mine distributed around. Oh, good move. That's also why, part of the reason I got a dog was because there was a fire escape

that went right into my window like that. There you go. She's tiny. She barks at everything that she She sounds big Well, you put some cash in those pads and no one's going near that yeah I'll tell you that yeah, look at those look at that diaper. Come on anyone else hard. That's good Yeah, wow, so it's a big step in my life to get rid of the tampons. I know, but you gotta pull a messy pad out of your panties. You go like this, rip it off, and then all of a sudden your underwear,

it's like nothing ever happens. Oh, okay. It falls away. The tampon, you pull it out, there's blood hanging off of it. Really? It's horrendous. Sometimes it gets full,

so you can just push it out like that. That sucks. That sucks. Yeah, it's not good You know woman stuff. It's quite. It's pretty That's why that's what my whole hour is about is about how it's like weird that we have to do all this disgusting shit And yet we have to be hot some women not me It is weird it's weird that your wife like ripped open and pushed a child out and it's now hot again Yeah, that's great. Yeah, that's nuts.

Yes. How's that happen? What does she do? Does she go into the gym and stuff a lot? She works out from home, but you know, you shed a lot of it just naturally. Did her ankles get scary? No, no. She actually kind of killed it during pregnancy.

She looked good the whole time. We'd have pregnant sex. You roll her over and get in there. That's all you need. Yeah. This little mail slot. Yeah, sometimes you can feel the baby's hand on your hand.

That's nice. Double teaming her. Yeah, we're high fiving. So, but yeah, yeah, you shed a lot of it and she's active. She's always walking and moving around, so it sheds. How is being, is it crazy? It's crazy, it's crazy.

Cause you miss, you go on the road, and you used to go on the road, you're like, look at this, I'm waking up at noon in a hotel, and now I'm like, what's the baby doing? Does he remember me? Wow. I'm texting her like, hey, tell the baby I said hi, and she's like, it's a baby, you know,

but I went to Europe and you're like, ah, I gotta get back, I missed the baby. So pro baby. Ah yeah, I was never a baby guy either. I've never held a baby, never changed a diaper until this guy. But you figure it out. You figure it out big time.

It kicks in, cause you have to. Is it annoying, the crying? It is, but you kinda learn what the baby likes and what he doesn't like so the crying goes down. And he's used to it with her, so you know. Yeah, exactly. And did it bring you guys up closer or further? Oh, definitely closer.

Really? Because you're a team now, it's two against one. Oh, cool. Do you want kids? I think I would someday, yeah. Yeah, we've talked about this. I'm getting older. The fucking Christa Stefano's kid made me want a kid.

Really? You went on that trip? You fucking the kid made you want a kid? Me fucking the kid, why would I want a kid? I could have a kid to fuck all the time. It was mine? A lot of people. That I owned illegally? Wait, the girl?

Oh yeah, we were hanging out, yeah. She's funny. She's really funny. Dude, at one point, we're all going like this, because she had to stay outside, and we're all trying to figure out how to go up so that somebody's babysitting her at all time, and we're doing Rubik's Cube math.

We're like, Sam goes up, then Jordan takes over. Oh my god, that was a crazy day. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, and we're like, quiet, you're math. We're like Sam goes up, then Jordan takes over. Oh my god, that was a crazy day. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, and we're like quiet, you're a child. And then finally she goes, the person who goes up first will go up and then come back out and watch me the whole time. We were like, yeah. Oh wow.

It was something like that. That's adorable. That was in Hammond, Indiana at a casino. You, me, and Chris, that was hilarious. Oh wow. I was picturing the cellar in my head. This is at Hammond. Yeah.

No, they wouldn't let a kid in the casino. Ah! So we were like, okay, so Jordan and I were like, we'll stay outside and watch the kid, and they were like, the kid can't come in, I'm like, but we're performing, they're like, state rules, can't be in, and we're like, quite surely there's- That guy was

putting a giant thing on his face. Oh yeah, he had a big thing on his face. I was like, why can we not bring the kid, but you can bring the kid? Yeah's that's way more offensive than a child Goiter what are we talking? It was fucking insane. It was a big ass goiter. Yikes. If I right hooked him that would have exploded we could have made a run for it but No, it was crazy. And he was he was like He's one of those like real like I'm in charge type guys. Yeah were like, we're just trying to not. You were being so cool though.

I was? I get so mad. Yeah, you were being so diplomatic. I don't even remember. I get so mad. I'm like, what the? I get very Italian very quick. Or I just want a fist fight.

And they're like, okay, we'll figure it out. Yeah, we're just trying to keep the kid calm. I try and get in a physical fight constantly. I fight with people all the time. Yeah, when was the last time you threw hands? At the airport. What? At the airport. What? At the airport.

You're that guy? You're the airport fight guy? Yeah, outside. Outside. I tried to fight a guy recently where I said, let's go outside and talk about this, and Jake grabbed me and was like, I'll have to fight, and I was like, okay, fine.

Yeah, that's true, Jake's four foot three. Yeah, yeah. Oh man, you fight men? Yeah, if I have to. This guy I fought, the one guy I fought, they don't fight back. Yeah, that's true. So you just end up, I just smushed him against a car

and was screaming at him and saying that he fucks kids, which is crazy. Oh, that's funny. Because he hit my dog with his bag on purpose. What? On purpose. Dude, I flipped out. Was it definitely on purpose? Yeah, he goes, excuse me, and then I go,

I said, excuse me for you. He goes, excuse me, and then I go, truly he's me for you. He goes, excuse me, and then I go, truly he's not talking to me, there's so much room, that's crazy, and then he goes, I said excuse me, and hit her. Whoa. And she was like, oh, you know, and she's the cutest angel in love of my life.

And so then I ran after him, and he goes, I said excuse me, and I was like, you fuckin', I was like, you're a sociopath in the end. Oh, you're in the right. Yeah, there was a group of black girls there, that was sick, because they were cheering me on. Oh, nice. You love that, that makes you nuts. That's big. Yeah, there was a group of black girls there that was sick because they were cheering me on That makes you that's big and I was like sociopaths. What else do you do you fuck kids? And then I went hey everybody this guy fucks kids, and he was like

I'm getting carried away. Wow my worst nightmare at an airport. Yeah, when you all that yeah, I don't want to get busted either Yeah, I don't wanna get busted either. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I get so pissed. It's just justice, it's like if something happens that nobody, you know what I mean? Yeah, and nothing better than a group of black girls on your side. Oh, this is the best, all waiting for the bus

because it was outside at the Uber stand. Oh yeah. I'm gonna kill him. It was good. Damn, well hey, check out the special, I wish it was me, no, take me with you. Take me me with you take me with or let's get some tour dates going here Who's this for here? You guys been here mark Ridley's? Oh, it's great room classic. Yeah I expect that oh, yeah old school. You know what I love about that club. It's in Royal Oak, Michigan

you'll be that Jordan will be the June 12th through the Through the 14th. It's got like every old headshot So I love I love clubs that like that like you walk by like Gary Shanley and John Stewart, I love shit. A lot of history. You'll be in DC the following weekend, June 20th through 22nd, then Denver at Comedy Works, great club.

Great club. Dallas, Texas, oh you're hitting the road hard in the summer too, July, Dallas in July, lovely time to go to Texas. I know. Then Austin. Austin. The first through the third, you'll be at the mothership,

that's cool, and then, oh Matt, you're just doing like the best clubs ever here, Comedy on State. Oh my god. It's the summer. These are great. Yeah. Spokane. Spokane is fun,

watch out for the candy. Brae Improv's a great group. These are all great clubs. It's big, so watch it. Oh, I love Rochester, I'm gonna go so watch out. Oh, I love Rochester. I'm gonna go in there that month too. I love Rochester. That's near home, so I'll just go.

Oh yeah, the darkness. And then Houston, you're hitting the road hard. Greenville, South Carolina. This is gonna be a fun little ride. Then you're hitting Europe, look at that. Woo! In the fall, go see Jordan all over Europe, London, Amsterdam, Oslo.

I'll give you a little some tips for these places because I just did it too. Paris, Berlin, Nashville, then back to Nashville. You're hitting it hard. Go see Jordan Jensen on the road. Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen. This is me, Red Bank, New Jersey, the Count Basie, July 12th, the Wilbur.

What day is that? August 7th, I'll be at Boston, Wilbur. Irvine Improv, August 22nd through 24th. Then we got Oklahoma City the following weekend, that's a fun one too. The Venetian in Vegas, September 19th. Rochester as well, I'll be there. The Carlson, the 25th through the 27th.

Then we got Chicago Theater, October 4th, one of my favorite rooms. Next night, Winnipeg as I said, going back to Utah, November 14th through 16th, Salt Lake City, wise guys. And then Carnegie Hall, New York City, December 4th, buy tickets please, I hope to see you there. That's a fun one. Marcus, what do you got?

I'm at the Egg, speaking of upstate. One of the best, great room. Burlington, Vermont, Wausau, Wisconsin, whatever that is, Green Bay, that'll be a connecting flight. Eugene, Oregon at the McDonald Theater, San Jose, Hyannis, Mass, and the Melody Tent. Come on out to that bean town and connecting areas. Then I'm at the Grand Cedar Showroom

at Foxwoods in Connecticut, Ben Salem at the Parks Casino. Then we're going to Australia, New Zealand, folks. Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide, Brisbane, Perth! And then I'm off in the Hamptons for a night, bringing the wife and the baby, we'll hit the water. Then I'm going to Alberta with Adam Ray, doing the Outdoor Festival, Vegas, Dallas, nine shows sold out. Wow.

Yeah, back in the clubs, I'm running an hour, or hour or doing a special shoot in October, November so I'm just running it. Then Akron, Dayton, Canada, Anal, Kweef, Seaman. We'll see you in hell. Thanks a lot folks. Jordan. Look out for Jordan's special coming to hopefully Netflix in September. And being Ian.

And being Ian. And RIP Jordan Jensen. And RIP Jordan Jensen. The vlog is have here. Huh? I have a solo. Oh, oh great. Oh boy, you're busy.

I'm very busy. All right. I need to sleep. All right. Yes, thank you. Wah! That was my idea. I've had a little too much bourbon And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous

I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get down in the same way We might be true