We Might Be Drunk - Ep 242: Jameela Jamil

Episode Date: July 28, 2025

Hey everybody, here we are, we might be drunk. We're doing it. We're back. I'm glad I wore a collar, you look nice. Thanks, hi, how are you? I should have worn a collar. Yeah, come on! I fucked up. Go home and change, I think.

I know, I got nothing. What can I change into? What do we have? I think we got a Klan hood back there. Fuck! The Klan hood's not, it doesn't look good on me. That's true, Jewish. This might come out after Labor Day too. Good point, the white. What are you doing in town? I'm here promoting my new podcast.

I've got a filthy and inappropriate new podcast out. So I thought this was the right place to come and promote it. You got that right sister. Wait, I did your old one. My old one, my other really filthy, jizz filled. Yes. I told a jizz filled story I think. You did, you were fantastic, you were both great.

You talk about being grumpy in New York, I remember doing yours cause I had to do it in my building's conference room cause it was drilling on my fucking apartment for like two years so I came on like cranky, but you had a nice energy. Wait, where's the Jizz? Well, I told a story.

Oh, I see, I see. I told a story about a woman for a Jizz story. We just had sex, that's what you meant. I just had sex with her, I jerked off on the Zoom, they didn't release it, it was a mess. Jizz filled is a great pod name. Jizz filled? Jizz filled.

So you were angry that day? Worst donut. I was grumpy, but you said that New Yorkers are angry. Angry, I don't, more grumpy than angry. Angry sounds really- I thought you just hated me. Did you really think that? Wow.

That's why I didn't even for a while even try and come onto this podcast. I was like, you actually hates me. What, you thought I hated you? Yeah. No you didn't. I did. What?

I just thought you were, but now I know. It's just, you were just an angry New Yorker in New York. I've never heard this. He'd be persnickety but he's a sweet guy once you get to know him. He's a sweet, lovely man, I liked you. I just thought. Damn.

Wow, you're the one. Have I made it weird? No, no, that's what we do here. I like how Jizz-Filled was fine but this is getting strange. Well, what's the new pod about? The new podcast, it's called Wrong Turns with Jamila Jamil and it's a celebration of all of our more embarrassing moments. I think I've just hit a plateau of how much, maybe a limit even of how much positive positivity.

I thought it was about women drivers. It's a nightmare. I'm sick of how positive everyone is on social media. I can't take it anymore. Positive? What Twitter feed are you on? Not yours. OK. I think we're on very different algorithms.

But I can't stand this obsession with turning everything negative into a positive silver lining and everything that, everything mortifying that happens to you is supposed to lead to becoming some sort of fucking billionaire in an ice bath. I was like, we need somewhere. I think shame shared is shame halved, and I think we need to just be toxic.

No more toxic positivity, just a space just to be toxic. Tell our most embarrassing stories. I love toxic people. I know you do. How do you know that? I got that sense on our Zoom. So it's just lots of the funniest people in the world. I would love for both of you to come on,

especially now that I know you don't hate me. And I would love for you to tell your stories, but their stories are unbelievable. You can't, yeah, you just, you feel so much less alone after you've listened to it. And the public send in their embarrassing stories and they're worse than anything any celebrity or comedian would ever admit to.

So it's a real riot. We could scare you, we got some history. I like bonding through some sadness too. So do I, I think shitting your pants, et cetera. I once shit my pants on my school bus in New York City. Last year. Yeah, I was on the short bus, I was going to a gig. No, I was in I think second grade

and we were stuck in midtown traffic and I couldn't hold it and I just shit my pants. Did you shart or did you fully go for it? I'm not just saying this to impress you. And no, I didn't shart, I knew it was coming. I was like, I can't, I was a child, I can't hold it anymore and a kid, and I just went and a kid, and some guy goes, you're bluffing and I was like, I can't hold it anymore. And a kid, and I just went, and a kid,

and some guy goes, you're bluffing. And I was like, no, I'm not. He said I'm bluffing, and then he fell at the pants. He goes, nah, he's not bluffing. Ah! That's foul. I shit my pants. Have you ever done it as an adult?

I have not as an adult, thank God. I've jizzed my pants as an adult. Same, any time. When? Strip club. Two minutes ago. Lovely. On the way you were minutes ago. That's right, that was not sweat. But you know, your strip club was young. There was a thing, I'm from New

Orleans and if you're 18 on your 18th birthday, you go to a strip club and you get a lap dance and it's like a hundred bucks for a lap dance on the stage. And if you get a boner, you have to pay the money. But if you don't, you don't have to pay the hundo. So as a kid you're like. If you don't get a boner, you go to hell. So. Well I was just like fighting that boner the whole time. You're 18, there's a hot naked lady grinding on you.

So not only did I get a boner, but I blew a load so I got my money's worth. An extra penalty. Yes, yes. Love, love that. There was a woman. She paid me a hundo. Who wrote in, she was a wedding planner

and she, you're all right with more shit stories, aren't you? Very briefly. So she had this bride who shit herself just as she was about to walk down the aisle because she was taking all those diet products, you know, those sort of influence the diet teas to try and shed as much weight as possible. So she fully shit, fully into the dress

but she's wearing, it's a white dress. But she's wearing all of this construction gear underneath to make her look even thinner. So it's locked into all the construction gear. So it hasn't gone out through to the white dress yet. So they're in a field, there's nowhere for them to go and wash. So she's like, what do you wanna do?

Do you wanna call off the wedding? She's like like no, I'm not gonna call off the wedding I'm gonna walk down the aisle so this woman walks like packed into her own shit down the aisle Gets married and then afterwards it's now time for the reception immediately. Yes, so she's like there's nothing we could do We can't change you because there's too much risk of the brown, you know, finding its way through. So she's like, all right, I'm going to stay in the dress for the entire... But the smell is not an issue? No, because it's locked in. It's tight in there.

Women are wearing all kinds of devices inside. It's like bulletproof, everything that's going on down there. So it's all locked in. No one's really smelling anything. She's wearing a lot of perfume, as is everyone else. Oat of toilet. And then she... Yeah.

That's why they call it that. Yeah, and so she decides she wants to carry on and do her first dance. So she does her first dance with her husband. He at one point has to dip her and his hands are down the small of her back. Like when her ass is pushing up. So he accidentally pushes all the shit up her bodycon wear, up the dress, up her back,

and then it goes out the back of the dress. So now there's suddenly poo pouring out the back of this woman's dress. And you're gonna think of that every time, you're like trying to get the last part out of a toothpaste tube. Like, oh fuck, disgusting. Yeah, you're traumatized for life

and this happened in front of all the guests and now everyone is just wondering what the fuck is going on. Like how is she shitting out of her back? Yeah. Which is actually quite a slay, really. Sure. Oh my God.

And then the husband was good natured about it and obviously horrified, washed his hands many, many times and then just said, listen, I'm fine with everything. I just, I'd rather not do the bit where I have to take her garter off with my teeth. Of course. Oh my god. Want to go down there? That's sweet.

Now do you give the daughter the wedding dress? Does that tradition still carry on? 100%. Okay. That's a list of stories. I think it's less more now. Exactly. That is brutal.

That's crazy. It's pretty disgusting. Boy, wow. So if you want to ruin your lunch but make your day better, listen to my new book, Cost Wrong Turns. I love it. I I love what I'm sold I'm sold. Yeah, or just poo stories. It's also humiliating sex stories and stalker stories. Oh, you got so many of those Yeah, same. I shit myself as a kid at a on a field trip and then we had to take a bus back and

Everyone knew I did it. It was like it was out there. So we had to take the bus back after the field trip I'm covered in shit big pants big bulge in the back and I'm all we had to take the bus back after the field trip. I'm covered in shit, big pants, big bulge in the back. And all the kids walk on the bus. They saved the front seat for me, like Rosa Parks. And the teacher, I'm walking on it, he goes, wait, wait, wait! Pulls out the New York Times, puts it on the seat, he goes, now you can sit down.

And the whole fucking bus guy laughing. Ironically, before the New York Times went to shit. Yeah, exactly. So that was brutal. Damn, dude. Incredibly brutal. Ironically before the New York Times went to shit So that was that was brutal Brutal but I'm very proud of you both for not shitting yourself as adults. That's very tight assholes you both have that's true done I'll say you can get to a toilet Thank you. Yeah, not really nice. I think you can get to a toilet in the city if there's an emergency They'll let you in there. So there have been situations where I'm like, should I gotta get to a bathroom? But you know.

Well, you always can. Yeah. It's New York City. You can ship between cars and no one would blink. I've done that. No way. Send me that video. Have you proven public ever?

I did it. I was 26. What? It was on Santa Monica Boulevard, right by 3rd Street promenade. It was on 5th Street. And I just, I got hit with something unpredictable in my stomach

and I shat all over the road and then I had to hide between two cars and I continued to sit there and shit and then cry and then laugh and then piss, cause you may as well. And then there was a rogue, lettuce on the ground. Were you solo? I was alone, yes.

And no one would help me because I think they thought I was unhoused. And so they were just running away from me with their children, broad daylight. It was a November afternoon and then I found a lettuce, just a rogue lettuce in the street and I was like, maybe I could use that to clean myself. But obviously it's not one of the more porous vegetables.

So it just sort of smeared it around, made it significantly worse. So then I had to take all my clothes off and I ran back to my hotel pussy out. Wow. Yeah, covered in my stuff, covered in my lunch from yesterday. Jesus. If I saw that I'd be like, run through some LA organic hobo has to use lettuce to wipe their ass.

Yeah. Here we go. It's unbelievable. So that was humbling and I think since then I've been really obsessed with disaster because I think it's character building, it's much more relatable, I fucking hate perfect people. Agreed. And I'm championing the disgusting. That feels like a Joker's prank. Like alright, you gotta ship between cars, use the lettuce and then run home with your badge out into the wind. There was one comedian who came on and talked about the fact that he started having sex with this woman

and then the house starts being broken into and he just keeps fucking her. He keeps having sex with her to completion during a break in. Wow, breaking in. I would never have that problem. I'm a premature ejaculator, so lucky me. No, that's crazy. Well, what happened?

Did they get killed or? They didn't get killed. They survived to tell the story, but they almost got killed. He managed to make his way out. I mean you make the burglars kind of uncomfortable, right? They're like why do they keep fucking? The woman bolted out the house

and he locked himself in the bathroom and then was eventually rescued by the police. It wasn't someone who was just trying to burgle, it was someone who was trying to break in and attack. Do we know the comment? Whoa. Do we know this comedian? I'm gonna save it for next time. Okay, you gotta watch the police. It wasn't someone who was just trying to burgle, it was someone who was trying to break in and attack. Do we know the comment? Whoa. Do we know this comedian? I'm gonna save it for later.

Okay, you gotta watch the pod. All right, shit, damn, who could that be? You definitely know the comedian. Oh! Was it Jim Jefferies? I'm not telling you, I'm not telling you anything. I think it was Jim Jefferies. Because I know this happened,

I know Jim got burgled once. I'm just praying it wasn't Russell Brand. Okay. But, geez, boy, these are, you got quite a collection. I gotta come in swinging with my stories. Yeah, you have time. Okay. There we go. Do you do Zoom or you do it here?

Wow. Did you eat chicken? I did. Did you really? Yeah. Anyone else hard? Lovely. All right.

That's quite a talent. Until I fart. Yeah. Until I fart. Yeah, is it usually more jizz related, poop related? Like what's the breakdown? No, it's everything related. It's how you got fired from jobs. There was that poor guy that found out he won the lottery

and then went and shout on his boss's desk. No, I think he pissed all over his boss's desk and then realized he'd read the numbers wrong. Ah. And then was extremely fired. That's hilarious. You know, it's times I've gotten fired, it's times the audience have,

it's just all the humiliating terrible decisions that you make. Yeah. Have you been fired? Oh yeah, couple of times. Which is the best way you've ever been fired. Well, I don't know, what ethnicity are you? Because I don't want to offend you.

I'm Pakistani and Indian, I'm incapable of being offended. Okay, great. It's a different group. Wait, you're Paki and Indy? Uh-huh. Damn. That's a conflict inside, right?

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Make sure you don't say that word in England ever, though. Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, no, it's fine. Sorry, it was a shortening, what do you call it, term endearment. It's fine.

Like Sammy or Markey. Yeah, no, no. Okay. I didn't mean it that way. You go or Markey. Yeah, no, no. Okay. I didn't mean it that way. Go ahead and try that one on stage in England. All right, well, either way, I was on a shoot for a Halloween show for America, what was that, AOL.

And they said, I hosted a Halloween contest. That was the host, people come up with different costumes, and I got to judge them and zing them, you know. So one cat woman walks on, she looked amazing, hot lady, tight leather, whatever. She's got the big whip, the ears, the whiskers. She walks off and an African queen comes in, like a Zulu queen, and I go,

watch that whip around the African. And the fucking cameras wilted, the plants died, the lights turned off, and I got fired. Yeah, that's fair. I thought it was clever. Slavery. We got it. Okay.

Well that's the other thing, before I got the job they were like, be edgy, we like edgy. They always say that. They always say that. I remember I booked a benefit once and I was excited, free benefit, I'm not getting paid but it was Joe Tori from the New York Yankees. I grew up a huge Joe Tori fan so I was like, am I agents you know, I'm not getting paid, but it was Joe Torre from the New York Yankees.

I grew up a huge Joe Torre fan, so I was like, and my agent's a huge Yankees fan, so he was like, they want you, like, this is like, really cool, you get to hang out with Joe Torre. There's gonna be Yankees legends there. It's a great cause, it's like domestic abuse, and I was like, okay, you know, he was beaten as a kid. And I was like, oh, I'm so excited.

And then I just never heard, and I was like, what happened to like, his wife saw your act. Oh! And I was like, his wife hates me? I'm like, what joke? And he was like, I don't know. But I just lost it. That's fucking shit.

I had a wife fire me as well. Fucking wives! Yeah, I did a gig for a pharmaceutical company and I did a whole bunch of drug dealer jokes. And she was like, that's inappropriate, that's over the line. I'm like, you guys sell drugs! That's funny, drug dealer.

I think that is funny. Yeah. Thank you. When they say they want edgy, they just mean they want you to say fuck. I guess so, yeah. Do you know what I mean? They want you to add fuck into a very safe joke, and then people feel like they saw something really raw,

and that they're not at work right now. They don't want the jizz filled. That's what they mean, no. Yeah. I got fired for stealing. Stealing? Stealing. A shoplift?

No, no, I was working there. I stole from my own store. Oh, weird. Which is pathetic inception. I was working at a video store. It was my favorite job I ever had. I worked there for years and years and years, and towards the end of my time working there,

we had suddenly got Haagen- Hargandars the ice cream You know if you're a broke teenager, and you'd never tried Hargandars before It was it rocked my world. It's amazing allowed to try one It was pralines and cream Yeah, so I I tried some pralines and cream and it like evoked a maniac inside of me. And I suddenly became addicted and I've been left in charge of the store for the first time ever. All my dreams had always just been to be the manager of the video store and I had my shot

to be able to impress all the people in the company. I think it was either VidBiz or Apollo or Blockbuster at this time. I worked at all three. And think it was either VidBiz or Apollo or Blockbuster at this time, I worked at all three. And so I'm, it was Apollo. So I, so they leave me in charge for two weeks and I just start going, I'm just gonna have one. I'm just gonna get one more. I'm just gonna get one more, just one more.

And I'll say that, you know, people gave them to me as part of a deal. I'll just not tell people about the deal where you get two DVDs and one Haagen-Dazs. I'll just give them the two DVDs. I'll just keep skimming off the top, skim off the top. I'm gonna be the president of the United States one day. And so I keep going, keep going, keep going,

and now I've gone past halfway. And this is like, we're talking almost a hundred tubs of ice cream. Wow! Yeah, it was insane. It was something like 50 or 100 tubs. Like it was dozens and dozens. And so I-

These are the pints. Pints. Yeah, gotcha. Yeah, so I'm like, fuck, I've now eaten too many to cover for myself. I'm gonna have to finish them all and tell them that the freezer broke. So that's what I do.

I eat all the entire fridge of Haagen-Dazs. Oh my, you got a problem. In under two weeks, I almost went blind with blood sugar. Yeah, no diabetes. I save all the packets and I put them in a bin liner and I unplug the fridge and I'm like, the fucking fridge broke, I'm so sorry. While you were away and so all the ice cream went away

and look, here's the evidence What I didn't know is that the camera? Oh my god Cashier desk that they told us didn't work very much so did work. Yeah, I'd say better than any other camera And I was forced to sit fired. We're disgusted and I was forced to sit there and watch. Not only were you fired, we're disgusted by you. You should get help. I know, I know, I know. So I was forced to watch in fast forward, me going back and forth and taking every single

pint of ice cream. Were you always this thin? Huh? I was not. I was not. Okay. That's why you're cool. What do you mean? That's true. You were a fat lady.

I was, yeah, yeah. You were a hefty young one. I was every size as a kid. I was, yeah, yeah. You were a hefty young woman. I was every size as a kid. I was super, super skinny and anorexic, and then I got bigger, and then I was all the things, all the people, all the vibes, all the looks. Because if you were bigger, they probably already suspected you.

Good point. No, I think maybe I got bigger because of that. Obviously, yes. I don't know. I can't remember where I was in my in my cycle of of body body fat that's crazy even on a rider would be disgusted by this story I know but imagine if I was sponsored by Hagen Dazs that's true trial it's so fucking iconic that she got a Marc Jacobs campaign out of no way I don't know that dressed her for that so she stole from Marc Jacobs for anyone who doesn't know wow and then he dressed her for her entire trial

Which was the most genius PR move that any designer has ever made ever because how chic? Yes, she could view to do that brilliant, then she became I believe the face of Marc Jacobs Wow I should be sponsored by a towel company in the hotels. Yeah, cuz I really yank the hell out of those Oh god, I fucking hope I get a hug and a bill for the town I Think you get billed. I never checked I remember I got checked once they charged me for like stealing a like a sheet or something I was like why would I steal a she why did you yeah, I didn't Take don't you guys fuck through a sheet now. I was using as a client outfit

I didn't take it. They just charged it. It was like a mistake. And they're like, we made a mistake. And I'm sure it wasn't a cheap charge. No, it was fucking expensive. It was like a few hundred dollars. Jesus Christ. I gotta look in this tell. That's bullshit as well because there's nothing worse than the bedsheets of a hotel. That's true.

Can we get a good pillow in hotels? I know, that's a peeve. That's a peeve. Every hotel pillow is shit. They're shit. They're too flimsy I gotta like pack that thing in like a like a jizz filled asshole. Like my dick into a magnum condom. Life is so hard for us. What? I don't know how we get through the day. I know. Life is so hard for us. Yeah, free haggardos. These five star hotels. Oh, yeah, it's not easy out there. A nightmare. So what happened? You got fat and you got fired.

Yes. Damn, did you kick the addiction? Cause we brought you a bunch of chocolate cause we heard you're- Have you got chocolate for me? I love chocolate. We heard you like dark chocolate. I do, I like dark chocolate. We went all out. Yeah, I love that.

Thank you. All right, you don't have to steal it. We'll give it right to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had my eyes on it already. You don't drink by the way. Cause you've taken a lot of the thrill out. You don't drink alcohol.

I don't drink alcohol. Which is quite humiliating cause actually it's a really good excuse for all the stupid shit I've done. That's true. It's all been done sober. Oh, interesting, good point. It doesn't work though, you do something bad drunk,

people are still mad. Not as mad. I don't know, you say the N word loud in the bar, people get pissed. I was. I'm not saying I've done it, I'm saying if you do it. Yeah. I was a pill addict for a while.

Ooh. Wow. Am I cool again? Yes. We Might Be Drugs brought to you by Shopify. Ready for a silent business partner that stays silent? Well, get the best partner for opening up an online store with Shopify. Hundreds of ready to use templates. Shopify helps you build an online store to match your brand style. Not so good at writing? Well, get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you. Easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling. Shopify is your commerce expert with expertise in everything from managing inventory

to international shipping to processing returns and beyond. If you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify. Turn your big business idea into cha-ching, Shopify. With Shopify on your side, sign up for $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com slash drunk. Go to Shopify.com slash drunk. That's Shopify.com slash drunk. Cha-ching.

What if you can delay your next two mortgage payments? Well, imagine putting those two payments in your pocket and finally get in a little breathing room. It's possible. Just pick up the phone and call American Financing. If you're feeling stretched by everyday expenses, you're not alone. Most Americans are putting these expenses on credit cards and there doesn't seem to be a way out. American Financing can show you how to use your home's equity to pay off that debt. Call American Financing today before you get to a point where you can't make those payments. Their salary-based mortgage consultants are helping homeowners just like you restructure their loans and consolidate debt, all without upfront fees, with customers saving an average of $800 a month.

It's like a $10,000 raise in your pocket. Tell them how! It's fast, it's simple, and it could save your budget this summer. Call now before it's too late. Call 855-581-5828. That's 855-581-5828. That's 855-581-5828. Or visit americanfinancing.net slash drunk.

What kind of pill? Thank you. It was just codeine, which they were giving out willy nilly. And so I was taking that at the time, and then I became addicted to it. And most people get sleepy on codeine, but I, for some reason, have some sort of upside down land in my brain where I always have the reverse effect

of any drug. And so it made me unbelievably chatty and I would take it late at night thinking I was gonna go to sleep and it would make me unbelievably chatty but I would have no recollection of any of this because I was out of my mind. And I was taking a lot of it at the time.

And I had, at the end of this year, I received a phone bill for 17,000 pounds, right? Which is like 20 grand. And I was like, what the fuck is going on? So I call up the phone company, I'm like, you've overcharged me by about 17 times. And they go through my bill and they're like, no, you've been calling all these ex-directory

phone numbers, and I was like, no, I haven't. Whoa, you blacked out? Yeah, I'm in my 20s, I'm a DJ at the time, I would never be calling all of these ex-directory sex numbers. It's like, you've been calling sex workers in the middle of the night, I was like, I haven't been doing that. This is crazy.

And I then talked to my roommate and he's like, I do hear you talking in the middle of the night. What? What do you mean? I have no recollection of this. Are you sleepwalk calling people? I'm sleepwalk kind of, or maybe awake and high. Wow.

But either way, I'm phoning basically anyone who will talk to me. So obviously people who are paying you by the pound and it was psychics, it was sex workers, it was some sort of online therapy or whatever phone therapy. And you're probably boring the shit of these sex workers so it just talked her into me.

But also like these are recorded, like someone's got thousands of hours of me saying God knows what, God knows whose secrets. Just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh my God. So I haven't taken any substances. So codeine causes blackheads. I don't know.

I guess so. I can't, it just in me. Melatonin makes me wide awake like I've had Coke. I live in that. Melatonin? Yeah. Okay. I'm up for three days if I have one melatonin gummy.

I don't sleep well. I feel like I'm in and out on melatonin. Yeah, same. But if you have the reverse effect, what if I don't sleep well. I feel like I'm in and out on melatonin. Yeah, same. But if you have the reverse effect, what if you take a Plan B? You're gonna get pregnant. That actually happened to me. Oh my god.

I took a Plan B and I got pregnant. Where's the body? I know. What happened? Abortion? Imagine if I was just like, when you said that, just like, here!

Oh no. I had a little, a cheeky little abortion. I see a finger coming out of the cow. Wow, that's crazy. So wait, so you- Yeah, I got into a lot of trouble the and then I got into way more trouble. Oh, well keep going sister. I'm a publicist dream. You're like an onion though. Is this a publicist dream? Before you appeal to the board, thanks. Yep, yep, she's new. Oh, wow, you got a real live one here.

This is crazy, boy, I wanna keep unraveling. You're like an onion bum. Was it abortion in America or no? No, it was in England. In England. Yeah, yeah. They're legal there. Yes, we love them. Nice. Yeah. We're in an abortion in America or no? No, it was in England. In England. Yeah, yeah. They're legal there. Yes, we love them. Nice.

Yeah. We're in an abortion like weed. Here it's okay, not here. You can't, so so so. Just trying to have a good time. Yeah. Yeah. You know?

And you started this too personal question, but did you know who the father was? Yes, yes I did, yeah. Yeah, we were both prone not having a baby together. Okay. We didn't know each other. And we took every precaution not to. Used a condom. Did he pay for it?

We went halves. Oh, good for you, modern woman. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. We went halves. I was like, we were both responsible for this. Yeah. The condom broke. Then the Plan B had the reverse effect

because of Upside Down Land. And also because I weighed over 175 pounds and it doesn't work as well on you if you weigh over 175 pounds and they don't tell you that in the pharmacy so I had no idea. Whoa. I do like to take that back, I want a refund. Yeah.

That's crazy. They should have paid for the abortion. He should have paid. Huh? He should have paid. He offered but I felt like we were both there. No it's very, that's true but you gotta go through the abortion. That's true.

That's a good point. That's a good point. Good point, and he got the jizz. He brought lots of takeout afterwards. Okay, he got some hog and dogs. He got the big takeout, thankfully. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Oh man. Oh, abortion humor. Oh, we love it. Good times, good times. Damn. Man, what a run. God, we went from shit to abortions real fast. Yeah, this is a pretty crass episode even for us.

I like it. Nah, I'm having a blast. Jizz, poop, abortion. I feel like you should do the episodes, not guess. Huh? Because you got a million of these stories. It's a mixed bag, but I become amazed by how many stories I have,

because I never plan to say anything when I'm on the show But it's some something about it unearths unlocks memories. So I watched it happen to both of you during this chat You've just been like oh, yeah, I shit my pants one time. I got a boner one time. We all More you're right. Yeah, exactly I was having a playdate with a friend and both his parents works We had like a nanny taking care of him and she had to shower the poop off me and I remember her just calling me a dirty, dirty boy. Oh, that's your kink.

Has that made a dent? Yeah, and that's the only way it can come now. Yeah. It's terrible. Sure. Of course it made a dent. Dirty, dirty boy. That's exciting.

It was pretty odd. Yeah. I was in second grade but I was like, something's happening. Yeah. Something's happening to me right now. That's how kinks start, isn't it? I wasn't saying great, but I was like, something's happening. Something's happening to me right now. That's how kinks start, isn't it? It's like an embarrassing moment

at a time of sexual arousal, which is why some men like to masturbate at sort of women who didn't want that, because part of it is likely that they were caught masturbating by their mom or someone, and go like, oh, that's disgusting, at a moment of arousal and now they're chasing that combo. Yeah, we're all thinking of the same guy. I have no idea who you mean.

I've been caught jerking it and I definitely, that is not a kink. I do not want to be caught, I just want to be left alone on the bus, don't come near me. But yeah, I've definitely, I've been caught by my dad once, which was a better guy to get caught by than your mom because at least he gets it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you say? I was in a chair. He joined in.

I was in a chair and I was going at it to a TV and he walked in and he went, oh, he did one of those. And I was like, oh God. And he looked at the porn. It was milk porn. And I think we kind of bonded on that because he's like, he's banging my mom. Same age range. Yeah, yeah. So he's. So we have a similar taste. Like it's a wine? He's like nice choice. Yeah, yeah. He's like I get it. Were you masturbating at the family television in the living room? No, I had a little shit box in my room and it was a blurry scramble. Well that's really on him then isn't it? How old were you? I was probably 15. Did you have a lock on the door? No

No lock. I mean if I shit if I have ever a kid he's having a lock on that door I do not want to walk in on it. No, it was rough. But in dude fashion I pulled up the pants and had dinner and no one brought it up. Yeah, he just kind of go with it He didn't tell anybody I didn't tell anybody I did find a MILF porn of mine once and it was like I think it think it was too old, and he was like, what the fuck is this shit? And I was like, I don't know. Was it more gilf? It might have been more gilf.

Yeah. I was just, you know, I was curious. I was a kid. This was before you could just find all that shit on the internet, so you have a DVD, and we'd pass them around, we'd share them in school. Oh yeah, very bonding, community. It was bonding, yeah, you shared it.

Yeah, it was always sticky. I mean, there was fat porn, we had everything. I mean, we had, community. It was bonding, yeah, you shared it. Yeah, it was always sticky. I mean, there was fat porn, we had everything. I mean, we had literally everything. Diversify. Diversify. We had a lot of porn in our video store, like very diverse. Oh yeah.

You go and rent it out. It was in the back room, the curtain, right? So we put it at the front right by the till to humiliate people because we were assholes. And also, I would booby trap it so that if anyone so much as breathed too hard near it, everything would come toppling down and then everyone would turn around and look.

And then I, yeah, I once got a very famous elderly actress. Stopped doing it. It is actually Judi Dench. Is it really? Yeah. Wait, I was thinking of the craziest thing. Is it really Judi Dench. Is it really? Damn. What was she looking at? Fucking weird.

Come on. British older actress. It was her or Helen Mirren? I don't think she even clocked what it was. But she just saw all the videos fall down on her. And I knew and everyone else in the store knew that she was... Damn good. It was like Indiana Jones, Temple of Poon. And I was watching it in slow motion like fall onto Dame Judy

Do that that was a psychic weird That's a peeve when they go to kind of like satirical with the porno like stop trying to be funny I don't like it. I don't love it. Yeah, I love it. I like saving Ryan's privates Shaving sorry What a jerk off to a war porno? The theme is it's a dark. It's a dark movie right dirty boy. I think you can come right down I don't want to come to like the porn version of life is beautiful. You know I don't care I do regarding Henry whatever you got my left foot

Yeah, give me shit loose the only way out of this concentration camp is if you eat this pussy Like just simple keep it simple fuck him on is great. This is killer wizard of Oz that doesn't make sense Edward what hands? Wait a minute. Edward penis hands. Okay, that one is creative. There we go. And he looks exactly like Johnny Depp.

Womb Raider, now we're talking. Womb Raider was great. Yeah, oh yeah. See it's clever, but I don't actually wanna watch it. Okay, pulp friction. You don't like puns and humor in your sex? No. Are you ever funny during sex?

By accident, usually. Just when he whips it out. Just when I whip it out. In a sort of sad way or in a fun way? I had a one night stand recently and I came very quickly. And she was like... How quickly?

There was a lot of foreplay, but I would say like 30 seconds in pretty quick. The tale of two ditties. And she said, and she just, don't worry, I won't tell anyone. I was like, I'm a comedian I don't give a shit. Yeah, I think I'm gonna tell You know, so I didn't I didn't care don't worry, I'm not gonna tell anyone makes it so much worse I know I thought yeah, I start cracking up. I was like, I don't give a shit. Yeah, I had a boyfriend who used to come very quickly and

Then I didn't realize that the reason he wanted to start having sex to the radio was because every song he knows is about three minutes How long he could last and then as when he would come he'd be like, two songs. It took me a while to work out what that meant. You should put on Stairway to Heaven. Come on, mid-November rain. Yeah. All right. Pyramids by Frank Ocean. Yes.

That's interesting. Smart guy. Was there a lot of foreplay before or was it just he'd go right into it and still? He was just very excited to be there. Hey, who could blame him? It is a compliment. I take it only as a compliment.

Yeah. Well, when a lady finishes quick, it's very nice? It is a compliment. That's true. I take it only as a compliment. Yeah, well when a lady finishes quick, it's very nice because women can keep going. Highest praise ever. Yeah, and you can still finish, so everybody wins. But there's two types, there's the women who are just making out and they're like, oh my god, I'm gonna come, and you're like, what? I've never heard of that, and then there's the type

of women who are like, oh, I don't come. Wait, wait, who's coming when you make out? No, no, you have those, like, oh my god, I remember I was. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, sorry. Who's coming when you make out? Who's coming when you make out? No, no, no, like, you have those like, oh my God, I remember I was just like licking a woman's breast and she's like, easy, easy, I could come from that. I was like, what? What?

She's flattering you. Probably, but I was like, but then why tell me? Unless you're sucking on her tits while she's sitting on a, like a, washer dryer. Oh, yeah. Or a dick. There was another guy there, but.

Yeah, yeah. Interesting. Yeah. But uh. Interesting. Yeah. It's a blessing in the curse, curse the orgasm one. I have one other story, but it's about orgasming. Bring it on.

I've already made this so crass. No, come on. It's a good crass episode. Okay, sorry. Put in my crass. I talk about this on my podcast. And I'm sorry to the woman whose breasts I suck that I believed you But I was DJing once that's what I used to do. I was a DJ. That's such a good impression. Will you do that again?

Oh my god, it's like I'm right back there Oh my god, it's like I'm right back there. So I was DJing and I used to DJ for young farmers. It's not an art. Young farmers? Yeah. Like the app? Oh, that's farmers only. Sorry.

Is that where you meet lovers? Well, that's where I think white people go to keep it white. Cool, cool, cool. I'll just say that's the app. I've never been on it. So I was DJing for 6,000 young farmers, because they don't get weekends, because they're out providing all the eggs and the fruit

and everything for us. So every few months there's these huge farmers balls in England and I would DJ them very often. And they'd be themed, there was a Wares Waldo one where everyone was dressed identically, which was an incredible spectacle. That's cool. From a DJ's perspective.

But also it's just loads of drunk, lost farmers, because everyone looks the fucking same, Everyone was dressed identically, which was an incredible spectacle. That's cool. From a DJ's perspective. It was just loads of drunk, lost farmers, because everyone looks the fucking same, so no one can find each other. It was a terrible disaster and they never did it again. But anyway, this time it was like 6,000 people and they've put these huge DJ decks up on top of these ginormous speakers, big enough to be able to play the music out to 6,000 people. And I'm having to DJ on them. And not only are the decks shaking,

which is incredibly dangerous, the vinyl, but also I am a sensitive woman. And after a few minutes standing on the speakers, start to have an orgasm in front of 6,000 people. But I'm trying to like hold it down and I'm like, what? Yeah, it's a nightmare and people think I'm having an asthma attack So my tour manager keeps running to me with my little asthma pump my inhaler and I'm like Sending him back and then by the way if a guy does this he's getting arrested

So I'm sending him back and then... By the way, if a guy does this, he's getting arrested. But if a woman does it, you're like, sweet, that's awesome. He didn't know, everyone thought I'm having an orgy. He thinks it's awesome. Yeah. Oh, I think it's awesome. Oh, right, no, either way.

If I saw a woman DJing Anne Cummings, I'd be like, that's the coolest DJ I've ever seen. People would think I was so into my own music. But then once it's happened once, because women are very sensitive, it starts happening again and again and, and again, and again. This is incredible. To the point where I pass out.

It sounds incredible. It's actually unbearable when it's happening. Once you go over five, and then past 10, you're like, oh my god, this is how I'm gonna die. There was that woman who wanked herself off to death. What? When she was 20, I think she came something like 24 times. You can Google this, 24 times you can Google this woman's a Richard Pryor joke remember I think she came like 24 times died during sex came and went at the same time it wasn't the one who died on the

beach but that's sad to know that happened as well yeah this was like back in the day she she I think she came like 24 times from using a sex toy and then she a heart gave way. A young woman. Holy moly. Oh my God. So I was like, this is how I'm gonna die. This is such a humiliating.

At what point did it start to feel horrible? Four. Four, because you start to need to pee, you can't go anywhere, there's nothing you can do, and then I collapsed, I like, my heart pretty much gave out, but like I collapsed at the end of the set, my adrenaline kept me going through to the end

And I just collapsed and I had to be carried to the car And I don't remember anything that happened after that for like the next nine hours I was unconscious, but that was quite embarrassing so the ex-boyfriend could have just gotten a speaker Yeah, instead of playing so much easier Wow This is crass like a movie scene in private parts. Yes I don't think I've seen that. Oh my, you've never seen the woman, she gets in the speaker and he's going, vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv Was he in a porno? Well it's a movie about him but there's a lot of filth in it Oh

Before he was... That was it I think When he was still fun Oh it's just the audio Oh yeah it's not good Oh yeah YouTube can't show it because she's naked on the speaker Yeah But it's pretty hot

It was pretty good, it was a funny movie Great movie, great movie He's a very different guy now Is he still bullying people on his show? I don't think so. Really? He's found Jesus. Kind of. Nice. Yeah. Uh-oh. Publicist is standing up and maybe quitting. No, she's taking a picture. I love that everything I said up until now she was fine with but as soon as I said something mean about Howard Stern she's off. Don't burn it. That's a good publicist. Well, so the DJing, was this,

did this only happen to you, this one time DJing? Yes. After that I never allowed a DJ deck to be on top of a speaker set, or near a speaker set again. Is this a common thing with women you think? I have no idea. Female DJs?

Well you think that's why there are so few female DJs? Maybe. They're like, it's not safe out there. Clitorally, it's not safe. I guess. Female DJs, female magicians, I feel like there's not a lot in that world really. That's true. Why aren't there more female magicians?

I guess there are female DJs. Yeah, why not? What's going on there? I think as women, you're more self-aware and you know how cheesy it is to be a magician. I think magicians are really cool. Also as a female magician, you have a hiding spot. Really? Where's the card? It's exactly shaped for a card, isn't it?

It is, yeah. Lovely. Just saying. Extra hiding spot. 100%. Maybe we've started something today. I look like Mark as a child being like, I know where that card is.

Where's my watch? Yeah. Wow, female magician, you don't see that. You don't see a lot of female, although Paris Hilton will DJ. Do you think it's because people already don't trust women, so it would be too hard, someone's already watching your every move. Well, witches back in the day, right? Yeah, scream that back.

You made a baby disappear. Yeah. Did you see the, what was the name of that documentary with the DJ who OD'd? Oh yeah. Oh, it was great. Yeah, he died very young. I don't even like techno music, but. Avicii? The lifespan of a DJ. Avicii! Avicii. What's the name of the documentary with the DJ who OD'd? Oh yeah. Oh it was great.

Yeah he died very young. I don't even like techno music but. Avicii? Avicii. Avicii. Unbelievable documentary. The lifespan of a DJ has to be pretty young right? You don't mean a lot of it.

Oh David Guetta won't, shut the fuck up. And Aoki's still kicking. Yeah. I'm Tim, this is my rec. I don't even care about techno or any of this music, but man, this guy was a fascinating dude. He was such a nice guy, because my job used to be an interviewer. I was a music interviewer on the Billboard 100 equivalent in the UK, and he was a really sweet boy.

Sweet boy. Sweet boy. Swedish, I believe. How'd he die? I think he did a lot of drugs, or did he kill himself? I think it was a lot of drugs or did he kill himself? I think it was a... I think it was the combination of the two. Yeah. Oh, okay.

But he was on the way out. Look how thin he got and weird and gaunt. Self-inflicted injuries from a wine bottle. Oh my god. I think he slit the wrist or the neck. Brutal. But he was wildly depressed and he kept putting drugs on top of it. He's like, what am I doing? I'm rich, I'm a billionaire, I'm famous.

Why am I not happy? Those hours are not easy. No. To live a normal life. Yes. A lot of Molly, a lot of Coke, you know. All the orgasms. Yeah, a lot of ladies.

Nightmare. Yeah, well yeah. I mean one is fun. One was fun. That's the difference between men and women, we come once and we're out. You're out, you're done. You get multiples. Yeah. Yeah come once and we're out. You're out, you're done. You get to multiples.

Yeah. Yeah. Women really have it great. I think you have less in general during sex. So when you'd have, so you make it up later with multiples. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas we were one and done. I'd do more places.

Yes. Yes. Yeah, I would not be jizzing at a techno beat. I don't know what you could do, because I've seen mechanical bulls get women That's a big one. Yeah, you can pull that out. That's a big Trend because the mechanical bull guys like, you know, he's really working those controls and the ladies really Queefing up there. Yeah guys to Dallas Buyers Club But yeah riding a mechanical bulls a big, uh, and washing machine as you said.

There's a couple ways to get off for a lady. Guys, we'll fuck a couch. Washing machine, yeah. That's a big one. Couch was big when you're young. You find angles, a pillow. Yeah, yeah. Between the mattress, bicycle seat.

Lovely. Bicycle seat. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe? Did you do that? You ever put the cantaloupe in the microwave? Wait, sorry, go back to the bicycle seat. Lovely. Bicycle seat. Cantaloupe. Cantaloupe? Did you do that? You ever just put the cantaloupe in the microwave? Wait, sorry, go back to the bicycle seat. You can slide, you can slit it with a knife

and then you can really get in there. Never tried that one. Oh man. I'm sorry, no. I have a city bike account. Sorry, are you on the bike, are you on the bike and then you've pushed your penis down through the hole that you've made in the seat? Well you take the the seat off. You just work with the seat off and then you lie on your back and then you sort of

Hump yourself with the yeah, or you can stand up and why does that have to be a bicycle bicycle seat? It just works well with the the seat the the fabric or the squishiness it's it's okay similar sponge. It's spongy It's spongy. Yes, yes. This is all pre-internet. You know, we had to get creative. The penis really can take a beating. It really can. It really can.

It can take a pounding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Suck in the veg. The veg. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But the dick is, I mean, we beat our meat. We beat it. Yes, literally. Like it owes you money. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, my dick is purple. Flog that dolphin. Yes, exactly. Yeah. beat it off. I've looked I'm 41 now. I look at my dick, and it's really got some years Yeah, my dick is mangled you know that old saying you'll

your dick your dick will take you to places you wouldn't go with a gun yeah so true is that an expression yes yes it's been going around it's so true you're like you you went into a lady's house and a dude showed up yeah either way I try to keep it out of the school no yeah I know. Yeah, no, that was a story I told on your show. The woman who showed up, or the guy who showed up. While you were shocking. While I was getting blown. Yeah, it was scary.

Was he trying to join in or was he trying to fight you? He was trying to join in. Good memory. Yeah. Hey. I don't remember what I told on your show. Maybe the bang and the prostitute. Maybe. It was't remember what I told on your show. Maybe the Bang and the Prostitute? Maybe.

It was embarrassing sex stories, right? Yeah, that was a win though. In the teacher, you had the teacher story? I bet you teacher, that was another win. It wasn't a teacher story. That was really embarrassing. You're saying you haven't had much embarrassing sex. No, no, I have.

No, we've had a lot. There's been a few shows. I mean, same here. I mean, I think I also sometimes just as a comic, you just run out of shit to talk about. So you're like, how can I put myself in bad situations? Yes. I think it's now happening to me.

From the second I uploaded my podcast, The Wrong Turns, first episode into the world, into the system, within one minute, my life started to descend into complete abject chaos. And now I'm living like final destination of disaster vision. I've welcomed it in, and I'm now being chased by some sort of disaster demon.

Like in the exact moment, as I was uploading it into the system, I was on a podcast of a friend, a comedy podcast, and he was like, hey, can I tattoo balls deep across your throat? And I was like, that would be hilarious. And it's a temporary tattoo. So I was like, great, it'll come off easily, I imagine. Like I've never really used one before.

But my skin is drier than Gandhi's asshole. And so if for some reason it really took, the tattoo really took and then wouldn't come off. And then to the point where I'm pouring like straight alcoholic spirits on it and it won't come off. And then to the point where I'm pouring like straight alcoholic spirits on it and it won't come off and I'm documenting it on TikTok because I'm supposed to be interviewed by Martha fucking Stewart first thing in the morning

on stage. And she doesn't seem like a bull's deep kind of gal. Oh, I can see that. Back in the day she was. Maybe privately, but she's still a very proper lady. And I was like, I can't fucking turn up. And my entire life in the past five weeks since it went out has been nothing but health problems,

disasters, travel chaos. I'm worried it's now gonna, I didn't have anything with me. I don't live in New York. I was just here, all you have is a dress that your outfit picks out. It's first thing in the morning, the stores are all closed.

I was like, that's it, it's just me and balls deep with Martha. So I had to claw it off my neck. Which then just looked like I'd been choked. Which I think she found even more disrespectful. Oh my god. There you go, what an impression. Yeah, the timing on you.

Nightmare. Wait, hey, we might be drunk as a party by by cornbread hemp when you're ready to seriously unwind It's time for cornbread hemp cornbread and hemp CBD gummies are created to help you feel better whether stress discomfort or you just need to relax Cornbread hemp only uses the best part of the hemp plant the flower. So you're getting the purest and most potent CBD. I Love cornbread hemp. I take it at night just to unwind, just to relax, just to take the edge off. I'm not great with the too much THC, so I like the hemp. It just hits me right and I sleep like a baby. All their products are third-party lab tested so you know you can trust them and

everything is USDA organic to ensure safety and purity. Right now, we only be drunk fans can save 30% off their first order. Wow. Just head to cornbreadhemp.com slash drunks and use code drunks at checkout. That's cornbreadhemp.com slash drunks and use code drunks. If you've had the same rusty razor since high school, it's time for an upgrade. House of Atlas gets the job done with five precision engineered blades and high performance serum strips that glide across the skin. The blades are stabilized and don't bend under pressure, so your shower won't look like a crime scene when you're done. Yeah, I mean, we've all been there. My dad just decided to never teach me how to shave properly. So I think

until I was like 18, I walked around with my neck looking like I had a very unsavory woman sit on my face. Not healthy. So you know, get this done right. House of Atlas is made by the creators of Athena Club. So you already know you can trust them and give you top-notch quality. And now for a limited time, they're offering 20% off site-wide plus free shipping at houseofatlas.com just use code DRUNK at checkout that's H-O-U-S-E-O-F-A-T-L-A-S.COM with promo code DRUNK for 20% off everything. And House of Atlas is now available at Target stores nationwide so get your grooming game on point. It's never been easier. Stop wasting money and time on shaving products that don't look good, aren't

effective and cost way too much. Visit houseofatlas.com today. Well you know Larry David. I do. You officiated his wedding right? Is this another one of your psychic moments? Yes. Judy Dench. Well he likes choking women. I knew that about him. But no how the hell did you guys meet up? Me and Larry David. We just became friends after a dinner. I didn't know who he was. I thought he was a Bernie Sanders impersonator because we didn't have curb enthusiasm on

normal TV that I used to watch. So I've never seen Seinfeld or- What? Which he's not in anyway. True, true. Oh yeah, the good, so you know Ted Dans, who's buddies with Larry. There are pictures publicly of us on the internet

because I'm not gonna whore him out. But yeah, so we became friends over the years. You're a big fan of his, aren't you? Huge, huge, yeah. Yeah, I mean, he's the best. Yeah, he's the best. And then I ended up marrying him at his wedding. Wow.

I didn't get married to him just in case. Let's not start that rumor. Was that the... I officiated his wedding. I know he's divorced. Was that the lady? No. New lady? New lady. Got it. Wonderful lady. Ashley. She's the best. She's so funny and smart and cool. Did you know his ex-wife? No. No and she was a producer on like Borat and like so Sacha Baraka introduced them originally. And she's just incredible. How do you approach that type of environment? Yeah, like how do you, how much you try to be funny?

How much you try to be sincere? I took loads of Conapin. That's what I did. Cause I was like, how do you, cause it has to be funny. And how do you go and do what is essentially a five minute standup set in front of, you know, the funniest man in the world and all his incredibly funny friends. But I survived it.

I made it through. No one complained. No one threw anything at me. So I feel like that's fine and now I can kind of do anything. Do you remember any of the lines that really hurt? I don't remember a single fucking thing that happened. I was shit-faced and I was so nervous. I just fully black out.

During my audition for The Good Place, it was a TV show that I did a few years nervous. I just black, I fully black out. During my audition for The Good Place, it was a TV show that I did a few years ago. I remember that. I have no recollection of any single moment of that audition process. I just remember coming back into my body in the middle of the audition, and I'm telling us, I'm not reading the script anymore,

I'm just telling them a story that I don't know why I'm telling them a story. And I was like, yes. And then when he used to come, he would say, hoorah. And then I sort of look up at Mike Scherr who looks visibly horrified and all the producers and it's really uncomfortable and everyone's really quiet. And so is the casting director. And then I, and no one says anything.

So I just clap my hands and go, I'm like, cool. So you got the part. And then I left and I called my hands and go like, cool. So I'm gonna go. And then I left and I called my agent just being like, I definitely, definitely didn't get, that whole day was just a complete day of disaster. I don't know, I think probably because, you know, it was just post me too and now there's a young actress

just talking about fucking in a comedy audition that has nothing to do with that. So I don't know, I have no idea. I wasn't there I don't remember anything. I said if I thank God, I haven't got the tape but right it's all on tape We're gonna get these tapes there the sex calls In the street that is truly God's fucking favorite. I know we got you chocolate We should have gotten you a lettuce head. I know I can't eat lettuce anymore. Oh Yeah, cuz of that you can't

Yeah, hasn't it ruin lettuce for you We're going to chopped right after this Oh Man, that's crazy. You've lived damn it. I have lived. Yeah We're going to chop right after this Man that's crazy you've lived damn it. I have lived. Yeah, I mean I'm 40 in a few months like I This is this is what happens. Yeah, this is what happens You just collect these embarrassing this tapestry of mortifying moments, and then you die Do you feel like it's you're in a relationship right? Do you feel like it's harder to welcome chaos when there's someone else to share it with?

What do you mean? Well like you said you're welcoming these kind of stories that could maybe be bad decisions but then when you're single I feel like it's easier it only affects you but when there's someone else in the picture, do you feel like? I would hope that, but it doesn't seem to have made a blind bit of fucking difference. It's just that now I have a witness. So I can't gaslight anyone anymore, because he's always fucking there. So he just watches this chaos unfold. He can't believe it.

He can't believe it. Does he welcome that type of stuff as well? No, not at all. He's completely dignified and nothing goes wrong for him ever. He'll have like excruciating moments in his career because everyone knows he's a singer. He had to go on tour with Kendrick Lamar,

like a sort of entire European arena tour. And my boyfriend is sort of more a kind of singer-songwriter type with a bit of electronic music. And so he'd never played arenas before. So this is a very exciting moment. And unfortunately, the first 20 rows are just diehard Kendrick fans who don't know who he is and don't want him to be there.

They just want Kendrick to be there now. And they're rabid fans. Are they polite or no? No, they're very not polite about it. And so the light off the stage reflects only the first few rows of the audience So he can't see all of his fans who are further back right smiling and excited. He can just see a bunch of people going Mmm Not like closed arms crossed so pissed and then there's a song he's got called don't miss it

That's got so many lyrics that you can never remember it So he always has to have his phone up for the song and he forgot to put it on airplane mode So he just gets message after message after message after message of like this is shit get off the stage Whereas Kendra everyone's tweeting him and he's just getting live while he's singing just being live trolled by the audience Wow, I can't believe he managed to fucking make it through the set. He fakes a smile. Yeah, but that's none of that, it's his mistake. He doesn't make mistakes.

He's like a very precise man. He did like martial arts as a child. Right, right. He's just like a very dignified person who never falls over and never makes mistakes. Well the question is, what's harder? So I'm balancing him out in the universe. What's harder, performing while getting an orgasm

or getting mean tweets? Mean tweets. Okay! Yeah, I guess so. You feel significantly worse. Yeah, but the tweets won't murder you. Like you could have a heart attack, right? That's true, that's true.

But sadly I'm still here to tell the tale. Yeah, you are, that's why you're on the show. What about the Ozempic? You doing it? No. Come on, everybody's doing it. Are you on Ozempic? No, but I don't eat 10 boxes of chocolate and 19 Haagen-Dazs bites.

It was one fucking time, Mark. Well, come on, you can't have kicked that. No, I don't like the Azempic. It's made a lot of my friends less funny. Really? Yeah. How do you think it's made them less funny? It's made them less funny because they've got no energy.

Oh. So that's no disrespect. I think lots of people feel a huge burst of energy at first. Sure. And they feel really good and high off the kind of, I don't know, the compliments or the achievements. Of course they're eating less food, you think? I think after a while you just develop actual malnutrition.

I agree. Because you can't eat very much. And then there's just, there was one of the comedians on my podcast, because he was taking it, he farted every time he laughed. And after a while we're in a closed room, there's no windows.

I was like, you have to leave. Yeah. Because I can't see anymore. Like my eyes are burning. Wow. Get out. That's a side effect from a zempig is the fart. You lose your sense of humor and you fart a lot. Yeah.

That's a tough one. No, listen, like I said, I don't mean to sound like I'm asking about it. I'm just saying that I've literally noticed a drop in energy of some of my favorite comedians. Yeah. And then that's unfortunately part of the job. So I think aside from the fact that I don't wanna

inject myself with anything ever. But if you're really fat, you probably don't have a ton of energy either. Like I said, I have no idea. It depends, there's different strokes for different folks. I'm just saying that if you're not eating enough, you're definitely not gonna have enough energy. And if energy is part of your job

and charisma is part of your job, then I would be too afraid to find out what would happen. I get it. I get it. It might make me more bearable, actually, if there's a lot of energy coming at people, but I could stand to be taken down a peg or two, but that's it. Well, no, you would make you fatter because you have the opposite. Oh, yeah. So you take ozembic, you're going to turn into Louie Anderson. I love it. I'd have more energy and I'd be funnier.

Ozembic and codeine get fat and shabby. Yeah, everything is the reverseie Anderson. I love it. I'd have more energy and I'd be funnier. Fat and shabby. Yeah, everything is the reverse for me. Yes, exactly. I've woken up during anesthetic, that was foul. Whoa! Yeah. Damn. Foul.

I was having my tits made smaller. Really? Yeah. Why would you do that? It's a sin, isn't it? What are you, crazy? That's pretty, that's terrible. I know, I know.

It was a sin. Like, I dated my boyfriend and then after he got to- Sorry, I'm just a little sad. Yeah, we all are. I know, I know it was a sin like I I dated my boyfriend and Alright Iran Good golly. Fuck. All right, Iran. Think about Iran to feel better. Okay, and you're back. God had put my, just my body parts in the wrong places.

He seemed to have put my tits on my ass and my ass on my tits. Like they were ginormous and I have no bum. And I was like, this is, this is fucked up. That was very British. I don't have nipples on my ass. Oh, thank God. Thank God, he put the nipples in the right place. But I started dating my boyfriend with Joy Norma's boobs

and then after he wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend with me, I got them reduced. And it was a fucking bait and switch. You lied to him. I think it is the most intense bait and switch that anyone's ever done. You should be a realtor. Because that is a bait and switch. It's ever done. Oh yeah. You should be a realtor. I know, yeah.

Cause that is a bait and switch. It's a two bedroom, this is a studio. But I was punished, Jesus punished me by waking me up to see what I'd done. And it was horrifying. He should have written you some mean tweets. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

That's why he's a sad songwriter. He's just, ah, we had the tits, the double Ds are gone. You know, he does write quite sad songs, so maybe that is what's going on. There we go. He's just, ah, we had the tits, the double D's are gone. You know, he does write quite sad songs, so maybe that is what's going on. There we go. He's in mourning. Now, let me ask you this there, sister. I can't wait to find out where this is going. You're so wonderfully weird. JJ? Okay. Okay. Go on, segue me. I think you've had this crazy run of wild wacky events, the hog and dast, the orgasming, the tits, the jizzing with the songs, the shitting. What a great trailer. Yeah.

You have all these great stories, you were chunky, you weren't chunky, your tits were crazy, they're gone now, the whole thing, Larry David, keep it coming. I think now young people have a phone on them 24-7. Yes. They're so reserved. They're so scared of being cringe and being outed and being canceled or being whatever.

Right. And it takes all those crazy stories away and now they're boring. But you grew up before internet. Yes. You know, we're the same age. And we could live. We could shit ourselves. We could do these crazy things. And we could tell the age, and we could live, we could shit ourselves, we could do these crazy things,

and we could tell the stories later and laugh about them. Now kids are like, I got a phone on me all the time, everybody's a Karen, everybody's ratting you out. Oh dude. You can't live. Everything's on the internet. I feel bad for these kids now. Fist fights, they go on YouTube now.

Oh my God. It's crazy, I got beat up, I'm so glad it wasn't recorded. I came, you know, so that would've been horrible. Well Mark, we have bad news. Peters, roll the footage. Oh man. You did come. I mean I would get panced, you know, all kinds of shit.

I don't know who any of us would be. I don't know if comedians would exist necessarily had we not had at least a moment without being observed all the time. Exactly. But who doesn't have a humiliating childhood story? Everyone does. Everyone does, yeah, but I think it's more like

the teen stories, you're shut inside out. No, it's actually made this way. I don't know why they did that. It's a strange choice. I don't dislike it, I was just suddenly wondering. I think it's a little muted, that's the style. Chubbies, I got chubbies, very good stuff. Anyway, sorry, yeah, no, I it is fucking weird. It is upsetting

But I think we're starting to now there's a turn on the internet where now people want everything to be Lofi like I write on this platform called sub stack Yeah, I know sub stack is an essay writing platform and it's becoming the kind of replacement for social media But it's long form and they've kind of got a lot of the features, so it looks a bit like Twitter, it looks a bit like Instagram, but then also you can find these long letters. And what it feels like is that the culture of Substack

is to go against social media, which is to show people the least embarrassing side of yourself. And it feels like we're all competing to be more relatable than each other, and more inappropriate. I write a blog called A Low Desired Please, which is named after my dog,

because he was sent to a training school and they wrote back saying he's very intelligent, he just has a low desire to please. And I was like, ah, that dog came out of my vagina, that's my actual child. His name is Barreled, if you're looking for him. Oh, you're looking for my blog. That's very But on that blog and on everyone's blog it feels like the substack thing is

Well, I heard about the women thing that was that really caught some steam. I know Talk about it today. We don't have to talk no, but yeah, so the but everyone's substack blogs are Oh there. I am. I am a failure pervert. Which is true. Can we get a photo with the old tits? Okay, sorry. Just curious. But yeah, low desire to please is great.

A low desire to please, but everyone's substack is about how you fancy your best friend's husband. It's all the most depraved, inappropriate shit. We're craving that. Yes. Do you fancy your best friend's husband? I don't, it's not my blog. Right. I don't.

No, actually I don't. I mean, none of my friends, not many of my friends have got partners. There's no one to fancy It's the out there roaming the independent life There you go Yeah Which has made it actually a bit weird because now everyone keeps on referring to me and my boyfriend as like their mum and dad And it's like well we the same age or younger than many of you you can't just name us

Yeah, your parents just because we're together in terms of what's happening. Yeah, we're mom and dad, yeah. We're the adults because we've been settled down for over a decade. Right, right. But I didn't sign up for this shit. But you're not married. I'm not married. Man. I don't believe in marriage.

Yeah, that's great. You are married. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a hot wife. I do, I'm very lucky. I've heard about her. Oh really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Could you teach her how to cum? That would be very helpful. Well apparently you haven't been able to see her. Don't get her talking to her, she's got a tit reduction. That's true, she has ample bosom. Quite the large pair. Keep her away from me, I'll evangelize

her. No, don't talk to her. Those tits are A-OK. Yeah. She is in a little weird... A beauty. Well done, high five. Hey, thank you. Thank you lucky guy All right, we don't have to go through the whole scrapbook. Let's zoom in on our boobs I have them somewhere, but yeah, she's fun and and well and down So lucky guy exciting very exciting. Um, yeah, I'm not a marriage or children person. Have you got children? One baby.

How's that going? Five months. It was hard at first and now it's great. You've got to get through that hump of like the crying, not getting through the night, the feeding, the diapers. Now he's cute and he laughs and he's fun. No one. Tell him to hile.

What is your objection to marriage? I just can't be asked. I think, and listen, I'm proven wrong already by the man sitting next to me, but I think you tempt the universe when you get married. When you make a statement to everyone, like, hee hee hee, we're gonna love each other forever, we're gonna be together forever.

I think. Hopefully this isn't what you said at Larry's wedding. I think the universe is going like. Good vows. What a fucking idiot these two are. He's an older gentleman, you know what I mean? And it's the second one. Yeah, but it's that moment where you're like,

I feel as though the universe is going, oh yeah? Yeah, I can see that. Let me send you your favorite ex that got away. Let me send you someone really hot and unexpected at work who does get your jokes. Right. And who is that specific breed of manic pixie dream fuck that you've been waiting for your whole life.

And so I think it peppers temptation around you. And so James and I have become kind of superstitious about it because every single one of our friends who's gotten married, like not that long after the marriage is suddenly being tempted in ways that they've gone through years of drought, like No one interesting coming along. And then once they get married, all of a sudden it's just fucking fantasy city.

All around us. And so I just like, we've watched it happen so many times that we're like, I think we just need to keep a low profile. Just keep our love a secret from the universe. That makes sense, I kind of get that. Let's not go and announce anything to anyone. I like this. Let's just shut the fuck up. Well it's always the couples that are always

posting pictures together, like we're so happy. Yes. It's not just marriage. No, it's gonna be like a suicide, homicide. Oh my god, they're fucking, yeah, pushing her off a cliff somewhere on a hike, and you're just like, a week ago, you know. Yeah, it's like the guy goes, I love pussy.

And you're like, huh, do you love pussy? like the guy goes, I love pussy. And you're like, do you love pussy? No one talks like that who loves pussy. But yeah, they're overcompensating because those couples that show the photos of them on the waterfall. No, we're quite private. Good. Very occasionally we'll post a picture of each other, but generally, generally we keep it just private.

I think that's the way to do it. I've also been in those relationships where with one girl, we would be bad and she would get mad I wasn't public enough and then I end up doing it, but I'm posting us, but now we're in a bad place. So I'm probably being like, we're great, but I'm like, we're not fucking great. No, it's a nightmare. So it's like, it kind of feeds itself.

And I was aware, I was like, I know this is gonna end soon. So I feel like I'm just an idiot for doing this. Right, right. But then, you know. Then you look stupid later, because your friend's like, oh, two days ago, I know this is gonna end soon. Yeah, so I'm feeling I'm just an idiot for doing this Then you know then you look stupid later because your friends like oh two days ago you guys were Hot air balloon. I know Isn't it? Yeah That type of stuff is important for something you know not all obviously but I've been relationship That's more of a pissing in a circle around you thing, isn't it? Is that like a British thing?

Is that an Art Kelly thing? It's like marking your territory, right? I always presumed the reason that people want someone else to post them is to make sure that other people know that that person's taken. I didn't think about that. That makes sense. So that's what I always thought that was about.

I could be wrong. Maybe they just want to celebrate the love and I don't want to be uncharitable to anyone. I'm just saying that it feels a bit like marking your territory. Do you know what I mean? I don't feel like we need anyone to know. I feel like you're an outlier.

Why are so many women push the marriage thing? Because I think it's, I mean, generally speaking, women are the ones going, come on, when are you going to propose? Where's the ring? Let's go, clock's ticking. I think that's maybe, I can't relate, but I can say that it would make sense

that if someone feels like, oh, I wanna know that you're taking this seriously because women invest so much of themselves into relationships, so much, and so much thought, so much planning, so much mental load. They're like, just, you know, just fucking, they create your whole lives. Men, as they get older, start to sort of atrophy, right?

They start to let their friendships go, fall apart. They don't pursue their dreams as much. And so they start to think, oh, I don't need to keep in touch with my friends from when I was younger. I'll just become friends with whoever is the husband of one of my wife's friends, right? That is a pattern that happens.

It's real loneliness as they get older. You have to fight it though. And it's mostly, like European men don't let that happen. They're still going on men's boy trips and doing all sorts of things. But American men and British men in particular, they don't like to look each other in the eye. They like to sit side by side, not looking at one another.

We're both looking at you. Obviously you don't have that problem. And I... And they let their friendships fall apart. And so I think women are doing so much of the organizing everything, like just keeping their lives fun and interesting, hopefully, you know.

And so I think they just wanna make sure that their investment is sound. And someone's maybe less likely to leave you. Obviously the statistics show that that doesn't protect you from fuck all. But I think it's that feeling of like, are you taking this seriously? Because I'm taking this so seriously.

That helps. But I'm not a romantic person. I don't think I bring any more to the relationship than my boyfriend does. So I feel as though, this is ideal. We don't need to lock anything down. Why do you think women crave that type of romance?

Do you think that's like a movie thing? Do you think that's like a hallmark thing? I mean, insecurity? I don't know, I've always wondered about it. And I don't think it's just women, because I know a lot of men who are also incredibly romantic, like straight men. But do you think they're doing it for the woman

or do you think they're in there hard? I have no idea, but how can we ever know because we're so soaked in this culture. How can we ever know what we think? Like so many of us were fucking like the movies when we were younger, like acting out sex based on what we've seen. So I was only fucking grandmas.

Sex-free. The gilts. Judi Dench. Yeah, damn. So yeah, so I don't know if romance really exists. I can't tell, because I don't feel it. I've never understood romance. Wow.

I've never understood kissing by a sunset or nothing upsets me more than like a candlelit dinner. Anything that feels forced, like now we're supposed to, like Valentine's Day is just like fucking, I can't. Any holiday with with grand expectations. Yeah, you were just fucking people over 100 what's what New Year's Eve sucks always always? Yes, unless you just are like we're doing nothing. Well, we're standing watching a movie that to me. That's like a great New Year's Eve Sure, why wearing lingerie has to be a surprise?

Yeah, let someone know at the beginning of the night like I'll look what you're gonna get later because they get stressed. Yes. Men get stressed. Now you gotta build it up. Oh I love it. You're like, god I'm gonna have to give them, she probably spent like $400 on that, I'm gonna have to give her a $400 fuck, you know, like, we've really gotta make this amazing. Who's this for? Me or you? I gotta pretend I'm blown away by this? Yeah, it has to be a surprise, a very last minute surprise, because people psych each other, psych themselves up. Yeah. Or psych themselves out? Out.

Where do they psych themselves? Out. In the bum. Oh. Sure, no, fine. So yeah, so it's weird, but I don't know where romance comes from. I can't imagine it's, I can't believe it's real.

I can't like these poems, these fucking songs, and these books have manipulated us. I'm pretty romantic So I'm different. We're yin and yang on this. What's your romantic vibe? I like to set up stuff and surprise and that's thoughtful. I think she's talking about a different thing. I think you're being thoughtful There's a difference like yeah between like having to sweep someone off their feet and you know Like planning to dinner like that's just a thing that's nice to do. I like to plan stuff for my friends as well I like planning stuff but wrote that very kind of sentimental like we went my boyfriend I went to this like fancy hotel and they'd organized this like romantic

beach dinner for us and there would sort of tea lights all around and music playing and it just like felt so oppressively seductive that both of us were so I was dry as a fucking desert you know yeah no I get it he was not we were just we didn't feel anything so we felt like we were just by our heads are being forced yeah towards each other I don't I don't really get it but I'm with you either way I just I don't know where all this stuff comes from well I think inside jokes can be romantic like the romance is we make it like a heart-shaped tub and rose petals and candles and Thoughtful I'm the same way like like I would we'd have an inside joke

Maybe I guess something made to like signify the inside joke But like this kind of four she's I think time with this like forced hallmark Yeah, I used to I had like a sort of almost bit that I did with multiple different lovers Which makes me a like a serial killer or something. I didn't murder them. We're just uncreative uncreative a piece of shit basically I am like i've learned I am a piece of shit over the years, but he uh, Yeah, I would tell them to meet me at 7 a.m. on a Tuesday, and I'd give them a long laundry list,

and I'd give them a long grocery list of things they had to buy for the 7 a.m. date. And this is always when they don't know me very well. And so it would be like hiking socks, but not the boots, a suit, bring your passport, 12 toilet rolls, a Brillo pad, which is what you use to scrub the grease off the thing, and tartan paint, which is an IQ test, because if you can't tell that tartan paint doesn't exist,

then you shouldn't turn up on there. I don't know what that is, yeah, I don't know. Tartan paint? Okay, tartan is like the Scottish pattern, like checks. Ah, oh, okay, it's like a plaid paint. Like plaid, yeah. Got it, got it. Scottish, like red plaid, so if you're looking for plaid paint. Like plaid, yeah. Got it, got it. Scottish, like red plaid.

So if you're looking for plaid paint, then you're a fucking moron and don't come to my house. I like it. And so I was like, you can only show up with the eggs and the hiking socks and the Brillo pad if, you know, at seven a.m. I'd be out all day like, where's this fucking paint? God damn it.

And so they would meet me in their normal clothes with a suit and the bag and the passport and everything and I would blindfold them and take them to King's Cross station from which there is a direct train to Paris. This is from London to Paris. They wouldn't know where we were going. How many dates in? How many dates in are we talking? Truly like three.

That's insane. That's insane. I would never agree to this. I'm a crazy person but I had ginormous breasts so I'm a crazy person, but I had ginormous breasts, so you can get away with anything when you have ginormous breasts. You can ask someone to meet you at fucking 5 a.m. and someone will turn up when you're like an age cup. Yeah.

Now you can't do this. Well, so I'm settled down. Yeah, I guess so. Anyway, so I would blindfold them till we get to the station, take off the blindfold, throw away all the stuff they went out to buy, apart from the passport and the suit. I would then hand them a ticket to Disneyland Paris,

and we would get on the train together, and we would, when we got there, we would put our suits and my gown or whatever in a locker at the station at the Gardenaugh, and then we would go and have an amazing day at Disneyland, and then we would run back to the station at like 4 p.m., get changed into our amazing clothes, and then like a movie back to the station at like 4 p.m. get changed into our amazing clothes and then like a movie run across Paris and eat in the restaurant of the Eiffel Tower

and obviously they would then fall madly in love with me and I'm only doing this mostly because it's not really there and I'm trying to create it and too young to realize that this is an elaborate way to find out you're not probably supposed to be with someone. If you need to do all this and create all these theatrics. Fascinating. It's insane, but the one thing I respect about this is you were doing something crazy for the story. That is the one part of this I liked.

And it wasn't even for my story, it was for them to have the story of like, oh, a girl really liked me and then did all of this. And then I became older and learned that, I think sometimes it makes it look like the girl likes you a bit too much. But again, I had those ginormous arse tits, you know? So I was able to carry it off.

I'm just impressed you bought the tickets. I know, it was so fucking expensive. That's a lot of money, plus the restaurant. Disneyland, Paris, the restaurant, I paid for everything. And then that was it, and then they'd be in love. And then I'd be like, fuck. I didn't even realize you didn't even like them that much. Yeah, but I didn't know I was trying to create

fictitious romance, and then after that I was like, I don't really get this shit, I'm not gonna do it anymore. And so now I'm just me, and if you love me, then you love me, but that's it, that's what you're getting. I can't do anything, I don't wanna do anything unsustainable because that shit always comes undone inevitably. So you've just gotta be who you are

and then just try to become less of a cunt. Did anyone ever confront you like have you done this with other dudes? No, no they learned on my podcast that I did publicly, my last podcast that you were on. They must have felt so special until they heard that. I think they would have felt quite small after that and I'm sorry for saying it again here on an even bigger podcast now.

When you walk in and Pluto's like, Hey, Jamila, good to see you. Who's this, a new guy? It just made them so happy, so I just wanted to do it again. So you meant well. I mean, I remember an ex got furious at me once because I got her a dumb, like a gag gift, basically, like a mug with her making a really weird face on it, a picture. That's great. And she found out I had done a similar thing to another ex. weird face on it, a picture. That's great. And she found out I had done a similar thing to another X.

And she was like, how could you? I'm like, well, I'm not fucking, I didn't mean to be cruel. I'm just not creative with gifts. Right. I thought it was like a funny. Yeah, of course, I'm so like that. If it works once, I'm doing it again. Same, it's like a bit.

It's like a bit. I'm doing the bit, I did this in a special, I'll do it on late night. It kills. Yeah, repetition is like a massive part of your art form. Yes. Yeah. Exactly, plus is like a massive part of your art form. Yes, exactly. Plus, that's a lady thing. She was so mad at me, it like basically.

But would you have been mad if you'd got a really thoughtful gift? That's a good question. Maybe, I don't know. And then she'd done it with an ex. I don't know, she never got me anything that thoughtful, so I don't know. I think it's a human thing, yeah.

My boyfriend and I gave each other gifts only the first ever Christmas and then never did it again after that, where we both panicked and realized, oh shit, we haven't gotten each other anything other gifts only the first ever Christmas and then never did it again after that where I We both panicked and realized oh shit. We haven't got each other anything So I went into his kitchen and I drew him a portrait of himself Because that was the only thing I knew how to do was you know I can I can draw quite well Oh, you know fucking Leonardo DiCaprio

To be the judge He panicked and was like oh I also got you something but it's gonna be here tomorrow Which is a song he was going to play Learned one of my favorite songs recorded it and it was so beautiful And it was so beautiful. Yes, it was that song. Um, my boy paradise my weirdo And then he he realized how beautiful it was and then released it to the whole world. Hey! No. Oh.

Fucking no. But it's a hit. Yeah. But inspired by you. No. He didn't write it for me. He covered one of my already favorite songs by Don McLean and now everyone has it and I was like cheapened it a little bit.

I get it. Obviously I wasn't actually mad because I'm not a, but it did dilute the value of the moment. American Pie? Vincent. Oh, Vincent. Yeah, I like a suicide song. Ah, okay. And partial to it, I find it more romantic.

So you were, how did he tell you that he was releasing it to everybody? He didn't. Oh. I just, I saw it on Spotify. You were just in like a Starbucks, you're like, wait a second. That was supposed to be for me. Yeah, I think someone I saw it on Spotify. You were just in like a Starbucks, you're like, wait a second. That was supposed to be for me.

Yeah, I think someone texted me about it because I never know what he's up to. We just don't keep track of each other that much because we live together so it's just like, well I don't know what he's up to. He doesn't know what I'm up to. It's so unrelatable because no woman would ever be like, write a joke for me.

That's true. And then you did, I'm like, yeah, well it works. It's funny. It's about a mug. Yeah. With your face on it. Yeah. Damn. Well at least it was a hit, then you get more money for the house. Yeah. We keep that shit separate.

Oh, damn. Oh, you don't live together either. No, we live together, but we just keep our money separate. This is unbelievable. Yeah. You gotta do like a TED Talk to other women. It's clean. It's clean that way.

It's clean. It's clean that way. It's clean. I agree. It just feels like, it's that thing that Goldie Horne said, right, about not being married to Kurt Russell. She was like, I like the fact that every day I walk outside my house and I could just go wherever I want. I'm not married. I could do whatever I want.

And I could go home with this guy or that guy, but I choose to be with him every day. I choose to go home to him out of no position of inconvenience. And that's how my boyfriend and I feel about each other where we're just like, I could go anywhere I like. I've got my money sorted. There's no mess. There's no overlapping mess apart from our dogs who we would fight to the death over. But other than that, I choose to go home and that feels good for me. That's the ultimate romance, if you ask me. There's no contract, there's no signing.

There's no motivation. A woman's right to choose. Yeah. Here, here. Amen. Yeah. And hey women. Yeah, this is big.

I think we got to, more people need to adopt this. We're just so stuck in this antiquated fairy tale bullshit. Well it's because of the taxes. They've sweetened the plot, haven't they? And also because to have your own, some of those people have their own spaces that's incredibly expensive too.

Right, right. Damn. It's not gonna catch on. What do you mean? No. I mean, because some of these people are talking about, so do they, Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell do not live together?

They do live together. Oh, okay. But she's still saying though, that she's like, yeah, but they own the house half and half so they can just split that in two or buy each other out. Like they're just, they don't get married. And I think I found that really inspiring. I was like, they are the happiest couple I've ever seen.

There you go. They're the most in love couple. So I was like, shit, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna do what the happy people do. Yeah. And they seem to just have minimal constraints that say you have to love me. I love it.

I think that's my idea of hell, it's a feeling like you have to. Does it complicate anything, like is there like anything like if one of you were in the hospital, it would be more difficult to? That's the only reason we would ever do it. So I think we'd do one of those like one hour marriages if someone, one of us ended up in an accident.

We'd get married in the ambulance, but that's the only thing. But also, who's fucking checking? I'd just say it's my husband. What are they gonna do, Google us? What if you get your breasts big again and he wants to visit you in the hospital? Yeah, I think this is big.

This is a real movement. I love the way that all men react when I say I had a breast reduction. It's a universal shockwave that goes out across the room. I almost left. I almost walked out. We should have a moment of silence. You almost threw your drink in my face. It has been the last 45 minutes of the pod.

That's true. We really zoned in on that. I really lost the room. It was crazy that we were all getting on so well. I know, I know. Now we don't respect you. You haven't actually looked at me since. Who are you? I can't even hear you. But Goldie Hawn got implants. There we go. Fun fact. Balanced out the universe. Yeah. So you years went away and she took them. She actually, yeah, I gave her my breasts. They're weirdly brown. They're darker. She's got these Indian tits. It's crazy. Indian tits. And Pakistani. Once Pakistani, once Indian.

Either way, they both smell horrible. Yeah, they both don't get along. Yeah. Alright, well hey Jamila, check out Wrong Turns, the new podcast. Wrong Turns with Jamila Jamil. And I definitely don't hate you. Oh, sorry. Sorry, that's the old one. No, the other one was Bad Dates.

Bad Dates, sorry, sorry. No, the old one. So this one's just called Wrong Turns with Jamila Jamil. I should have written that on the old one. No, the other one was Bad Dates. Bad Dates, sorry, sorry. No, the old one. So this one's just called Wrong Turns of Jermia and Jamil. I should have written that on the actual thing. No, no, no, I had it right in front of me. That was the old I could master. Mine's smaller than yours. I usually fart, but I had nothing today, sorry.

The Wilbur and Boston August 7th, Irvine, California, the improv the 22nd to 24th, then we have Oklahoma City, then we have the Venetian in Vegas Rochester New York new little club up there the Chicago theater in Chicago one of my favorite Winnipeg just added a whole Euro tour so Berlin Italy fuck England Manchester London Manchester Dublin Paris Amsterdam fucking all maybe I think Barcelona and Lisbon as well. I know, this is going to be exhausting. Salt Lake City, Reno, Nevada, new casino there, and Carnegie Hall December 4th, New York City. Punchup.live slash Samorail, then check out Punchup.live slash Mark Norm and Mark, where

are you going to be? I'm going to Australia and New Zealand, doing the whole, we're adding shows in Sydney and Melbourne and Adelaide, so come on out in Perth. Then I'm back in Long Island and Calgary, and Las Vegas, Dallas, I'm all over the place. Akron, that'll be humbling. And Dayton, Halifax, never been to Halifax, very exciting.

Hattiesburg, San Jose, and Alabama, and then we're off to Helsinki and Stockholm and Oslo and Greece and we're doing the whole. We might overlap in Europe, that could be epic. Fun, yeah, let's get drunk in Europe and get free healthcare and all that stuff. I'll take you out. Yeah, let's do it.

I'll take you both to Disneyland and then I'll take you to dinner. I'm like, dude, I'm coming in a suit? Imagine if I double date you both together. Oh, I'm in. We both feel so special. Yeah, well then we fuck. Let's do it.

All right, San Diego, you name it, DC, Boulder, Colorado. Check out Wrong Turns, get some Bodega Cat. Bodega Cat Whiskey, DM our guy Matt at Bodega Cat Whiskey on Instagram and Matt but at Bodega Cat Whiskey on Instagram and he'll get you the whiskey in the bar or the liquor store so please talk to him. So nice of him. I know. See us on the road check out her husband's song about you. My boyfriend. Boyfriend sorry. The whole fucking point we've been talking about it for 20 minutes. You're right. My bad. Boyfriend, she doesn't believe in marriage unless it's to Larry David.

Thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it. Praise Allah. Queef it up. I'm gay. Comedy. Comedy.

Sunday's the day for my next offender. I've read a Piva rec you know the future's close. I've had a little too much bourbon and Norman's talking shit about the fucking post. And I get down in the same way. Up in the air, I'm a little too much bourbon. I'm a little too much bourbon. I'm a little too much bourbon. I'm a little too much bourbon.

I'm a little too much bourbon. I'm a little too much bourbon. I'm a little too much bourbon. I'm a little too much bourbon. I'm a little too much bourbon. I'm a little too much bourbon. I'm a little too much bourbon And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope And I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her

And I get down in the same way We might be true