We Might Be Drunk - Ep 25: Lagavulin 16

Episode Date: May 30, 2021

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We might be drunk, we might be drunk, as long as we are hanging out, you know we might be drunk. Raise a glass, let's talk shit, pep heaps, wrecks, and a bit, maybe drunk. We might be drunk, yeah. Hey, hey folks, this is it. We might be drunk. Here we are. It's a late night at the Gotham Studios. Sam's repping the team. Straight from the garden. Actually, that's not true.

I went to the cellar for two sets and straight here. Wow, that's a great night. Great night. Knicks game, cellar, cellar, pod. Could have been better. We lost. Ah! But the playoff energy, man, was special.

It's what New York's all about. There was a dude, I'm in the nosebleeds with my boy John Weisberg. We're in the nosebleeds. A dude is blowing rails right next to us. Shut up. Just doing coke right next to us. What? And he goes, you want some? I'm like, I'm good. And it was like a tough thing where he's like,

I gotta work later. He's like, what are you doing? I'm like, fuck. It's like right after a dude took a picture with me at the game so i'm like i'm a comedian and he's just like where do you work and i'm just like uh you know all over he's like we go in the cellar i'm like i'm like yeah i work the cell i'm going there later he's like can i he's like can i come with you no way i just want you to coke you're gonna be my plus one to work yeah right also you never tell people you're a comic, and this guy's coked up. Yeah, I don't know why I did it. It was just kind of like, eh. I get it.

I messed up. Well, the worst is when you've got the Uber driver or whatever, and he's like, what do you do? And you're like, I'm an accountant. And he's like, oh, yeah, what kind of projects are you working on? What kind of accounting do you do? I'm like, civil? I don't know. I don't know anything about accounting. I don't know like i don't know that i don't know

anything about accounting i don't know why i picked it yeah you gotta pick you gotta pick a lie you know a couple lines on i know i should have said furniture mover or you know palestinian army something where you just get some sympathy yeah exactly get out of it how let's can we do the booze oh yeah yeah sorry you're being all mysterious with the boozes. We got a brown paper bag. Got a big bottle of hooch. Now, weekly, we trade off. You bring one week, I bring the next. I like this. Yeah, I like it too. This, I wanted to cover

because it's such a special bottle. Wow. And I rarely break it out, maybe a Christmas or a Thanksgiving. So I'm pulling out tonight, folks. All the stops. Old English. Oh, my favorite. Come on. This is hot stuff.

Lagavulin 16. Look at you. 16 years, the Epstein. I wish. I wish he went 16. That might have been legal in some states. Oh, yeah. Good point.

All right. Although still gross. Yes. We don't condone it. See, the ice melted just enough. You get just a cut of water. That's a peaty scotch right here. Oh, yeah.

This is exciting. Very exciting. Schumer used to have this in the green room always. That's where I learned about it. Oh, it's like bacon. It is like bacon. It's so smoky. Yeah.

Oh, that's fucking perfect oh it goes down easy that is good ass scotch man this will get you to relapse that is good stuff i remember i did i shot a thing on comedy central once like years ago uh in new orleans and it was a bunch of comics the showcase for their show and this one comic was like he was like I'm probably not gonna drink this week and I was like a young comic I was like what it's New Orleans you're not gonna drink yeah yeah you know I don't know it's been like 30 days I didn't realize he had a problem so I'm like pushing him I'm like come on I did not in a way like if he told me he's an addict right I want to but he was like no it's been 30 days I thought he was just like taking some time off yeah literally before he goes on stage he was like i see him with a beer

he's like stumbling i'm like oh this might be my fault the rest of the week it got to a point where he was like pulling comedy central exec society you got a fucking problem with me you gotta fuck we're at dinner afterwards it was me him and some comedy central comedy central execs you know who are really cool yeah and he's like how come i haven't gotten a half hour special yet oh and i'm just like oh boy then he's like he's just starting starting shit with me it was one of the things where i'm like this dude i think i know who it is now yeah you're painting a picture here wow i can't believe i felt kind of bad by the end because i was like at first all these guys just be an asshole to me all night but then i was like

he might have burned some bridges this week well i didn't know you knew john panett but uh wow man i think i know who it is now i think i actually saw him tonight but good guy great guy i don't think you saw him tonight okay i think he's got it under wraps uh now if it's who i'm thinking i don't think it's here i don't think you'd be able to guess even okay okay well moving on yeah but yeah you gotta admit though there was something fun about a guy relapsing for me maybe for the friend i'm sure that first drink is great oh yeah i've seen a few guys relapse and at the time it's kind of like yeah he's doing it yeah you know and you get all pumped up don't do that with the harder drugs though they don't think don't like put a needle in yeah yeah they just kind of go out you ever thought

about heroin no i haven't the needle gets me thank god it's a needle you can you get free basic can't you ah i guess you're right well i don't like that you can snort it yeah i don't like any of these things i don't snort anything really don't like any of these things. I don't snort anything. Really? You ever done blow? Never done it. I've never done it either. There was a kid when I was growing up in the city who would always do coke. And I remember he was like a couple years older than me.

And he just did a bunch of blow and jumped out of like a 30-story window. And I was like, that's enough for me to stick to booze. Whoa, man. I also follow sports enough that I do. There were just enough stories of like Len Bias had a bad reaction. There was a Daryl Johnston guy. There's enough athletes. I'm like, I know they have like a bad reaction, but you look at a world-class athlete and you're like, what chance do I have?

Right, right. Exactly. If they can't hang. But I know that's not how it works, but that's just how I saw it. Why do you never do it? I just didn't like the snorting. And I don't know i i don't really need an upper i'm a i'm an energetic guy i like to come down i like to relax

uh give me a give me a shot or a beer or something i don't i don't really want to go up i'll do an adderall every now and then yeah if i'm a you know adult drug yeah crunch for time and i'm funny when you're a kid you get fucked up to escape. When you're an adult, you do drugs, you're like, I guess I got to focus, you know? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, like kids are, the Adderall is just, it's so prevalent. It's like every college campus. What's that? Kids do Adderall, I guess, but they're doing it for tests.

They're not doing it to like party, are they? I did it to party. Really? Oh, yeah. You know, you want to keep drinking and it kept you focused while being drunk. So you're like loosey goosey, but still in the pocket. It's like that Seinfeld joke. Focus and drunk seems like a terrible combination.

Yeah, yeah. You're just like saying horrible shit and be like, wow, I was present for all of that. That's exactly what it is. I took that cop's gun and I saw every second of it. But yeah, what was that Seinfeld joke about Four Loko? I don't remember. He's's like you're trashed but alert right you know or something like that i feel like seinfeld gets so many shouts shouts out on this podcast yeah well his bits are evergreen and uh like like uh memorable you know yeah for loco what a fucking mess that was that just just get drunk why do you have to like see that's the thing

that's young person shit. Yes. Well, like adults, like we're sipping a good ass scotch here. And I get it. When you're young, you're not buying bottles like this. But, you know, but just getting fucked up to the point that you can't even enjoy. Like drink beer or something. Yeah, I know. Have a Bud Light or a fucking White Claw or whatever. I did a couple four locos and it was kind of like a badge of honor.

Like how crazy we are. We go all the way. But it's that fucking colorful can.'s a you know 24 ounce can already already you're trash is it legal oh yeah i think but it was illegal for a minute it was it was uh they they they let it go it was like you get a bodega god damn yeah crazy time what a country it's so cool you brought a log ofulin. This is the nicest. No one's ever brought someone a Lagavulin in a brown paper bag like this. No one's ever had this shitty a delivery system for the best scotch.

I know. And I had to like walk around with it. It's be like, look at this fucking idiot. I want to be like, no, no, it's Lagavulin. It's the St. Coors Light over here. I've been walking the best. Yeah. You were in Hartford all weekend, man.

It's getting good, that club? It really, I hate to say it, I've been trashing that club for 20 years. And it was a full 180. Fred was the manager. He killed it. He's out there every night with a clipboard, like taking notes, looking at the room, what can be fixed. He asked you for anything you didn't like, telling me critiques.

There's a bouncer in there walking around because that's a heckle room. Yeah. That's the only club I've ever been like attacked at. You got attacked? Well, a guy charged the stage and somebody stopped him. Thank God. But it got pretty ugly. Damn. It was a front row three top and it was a girl and two guys and they kept fucking with me like to where only i

could hear it and no one else could hear because they were right up on the stage so i'd be like oh i took an uber here and they're like guy takes uber what a loser you know and i could hear it and they were all giggling what's wrong with uber i don't know but it was just tools everything i said they would like nitpick and joke about and insult me and eventually i just snapped i was like will you guys shut the fuck up what's your fucking problem and one guy was a little slow or off and i was like you know i'm going all in on the special needs and the down syndrome and all that and one guy in the back goes hey leave him alone and i'm like you're defending them they've been heckling me all night he's's like, I didn't hear a thing. Oh, no. And so now I'm battling this guy. He's like a boat shoe, white hair, you know, shirt open to here.

And he's like, leave them alone. We're trying to enjoy a show, and they just paid for a show, and you're going to yell at them? I'm like, they've been shitting on me all night. He's like, I didn't hear anything. So now they're like, ha, ha. And I'm like, fuck you, you turd. I'm going back and forth.

And then eventually they leave, and I'm just doing the thing where they're walking out. Just let me see how many I can get on this guy. Oh, nice. And eventually I said virgin, and the guy went. forth and then eventually they leave and i'm just doing the thing where they're walking out just let me see how many i can get on this guy and eventually i said virgin and the guy went towards the stage and they got him but which means he was a virgin exactly because because you say that and he was like a player he'd be like that's not true yeah yeah exactly and uh i i was ready though i was like i could take this guy because he was like this kind of doughy Like short squirrely little You could tell he lived at home

Was he wearing his helmet though? He had that weird t-shirt where You could tell it was like the neckline Was all fucking pulled out Because you know he like wipes shit on it Or you know cleans his mouth with it You gotta get a higher class of heckler I know this guy was bad news

He was bottom of the barrel. But the problem is you went hard. Yes. Because it's almost like sibling shit when you're a kid and your older brother is like pinching you under the table. And your parents don't see it, but he keeps pinching you. And then you just turn and go, fuck you. Yes. And they go, go to your room.

And you're like, you didn't see any of that. Exactly. That's what they did to you. Exactly. Yeah. They nitp they did to you. Exactly. Yeah. They nitpicked for at least 30 minutes and I just snapped. I've been there. I should have said something throughout.

But yeah, I snapped on a guy. And then fucking Donald Sterling defends the guy. It's like, come on, man. Donald Sterling. Yeah. It was like this good looking rich guy. I don't think Donald Sterling is a handsome man. What?

Oh, wait. You're thinking of Roger Sterling. Roger Sterling. a handsome man. What? Oh, wait. You're thinking of Roger Sterling. Roger Sterling. Sorry, sorry. You convinced the coolest Mad Men character with the racist Clippers owner who lost his team? Well, I got Sterling, yeah. Great. There's a great, I think it was like a 30 for 30 type doc.

It's a podcast on Donald Sterling. It's great. Really? It's really good. What's, I mean come like his rise or what's the it's kind of like how he got rich and he just fucked he did a lot of housing discrimination a lot of shady ways he got rich interesting then it was you know weird with his wife it's hilarious because you know he's fucking around on her with like a much younger woman but

at the end they end they always end up together it's tough it's like you knew who he was it's you're both pretty old. Yeah. What are you going to be like? What are you going to like get on Bumble? You're fucking in your 80s. Right. Exactly.

Exactly. Like Bill Gates, apparently it's come out that he was like on the Epstein plane and he's. Is that true? Yeah. I know that he was like friendly with him, but I didn't know that. I saw a report like Melinda uh was creeped out by him yes yes and and he had a uh hall pass with his ex with with melinda no no uh bill had a hall pass with his ex-girlfriend so once a year he was allowed to see her his ex-wife yeah is that his

ex-wife or ex-girlfriend no she was he was married they're getting they got i think they started the divorce in like 2019 which is like that's's when that kind of money is involved. It must take forever. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But it's just so crazy that this guy, he looks like, you know, he looks like such a dork. But, you know. Money.

Somebody had an interesting point. They said the guys who look like that probably are actually hornier because they never got laid or something. You know, you think like, oh, you know, what's his face? Armie Hammer. Oh, he's a sex addict, whatever. But like that guy can get laid in two seconds. But Bill Gates maybe is actually more hungry for puss. Well, I think Armie Hammer was more hungry.

Yeah, that's true. He liked a good rib. but yeah you it's interesting like army hammer could get laid probably more easily like if we're at a bar but just look at the power structure of that company like you're such a big like and people like shots he's banging employees but it's like what do you expect he's in a loveless marriage right he's the head i'm not defending the guy but i'm just saying like where do you think he meets women where do you think he gets where do you think he like has an edge exactly it ain't at the nightclub no no no it's at the place where he's the coo yeah what is coo chief something something official operating chief operating officer i don't know chief of operations ah coo he was

yeah he's it's a weird story man you see the pictures of him and it's like just it's hilarious and your post is just posting pictures of him like you're like his first single shot like it's funny that he's like a celebrity who's on the prowl i know like they're treating him like a rod right well i mean he's a catch you can't deny it he's not a hot guy but he's you know one of the richest men in america where do you where do you meet women if not the workplace if you're at that level are there like billionaire dating apps probably or millionaire i would guess he's not on raya you know that'd be hilarious to come across bill gates on raya oh my god just as the it's just a

windows sound effect dun dun it's taking everything i have not to make a microsoft joke i'm sure that's been done oh i think i did one last week oh there we go i think we both done them it's it's right there for the taking you can't help yourself this is so this goes down so so easy So good Maybe one of the best This is a scotch right? Yeah yeah single malt This is like one of those I think it's like made in some like I don't know there's a bunch of scotches

I think it's single malt You said there's a lot of scotches that are made in like They have a certain smell that's so peaty Yeah Like what's the Lafroig That's a good one too Ardbeg Ardbeg is so good That's like uh what's the lafroyer isn't it that's a good one art bag art bag is so good that's like the pdist that's a great scotch great scotch but it's not forever i've had friends be like oh it's a winter scotch oh i could do this in the summer art bag

it's like a winter that's true uh oh i had something now i lost it shit gay oh just like just like bill gates how was utah utah was great that club is wise guys in salt lake one of the best clubs in the country shout out to my my uh my man tan france from queer i sent a bunch he wasn't he's filming queer eye but he sent a bunch of people from his uh from his like his friends and people to come see me and he paid for their tickets i'm like dude i would have comped your friends that's amazing he lives in a lot of cool people live in salt lake salt lake's like kind of one of these sleeper cool towns it's so cool davido and i went to like a speakeasy bar our first night there anthony davido's with me great comic if you haven't seen him uh alex valuto uh was uh hosting also terrific comic in salt lake so we uh david and i hit the speakeas we're getting great drinks just a great vibe man i love that that city's great

great city great people and you know they got that dry bar thing over there right that's yeah yeah the clean comedy special the clean comedy specials. So we come out there, and they're like, ooh, baby, look at these New York degenerates coming out here and slinging some crazy zingers. And I think they're so Mormonized and shit. And it's so, they don't drink coffee. They don't drink booze. I mean. 15-minute walk, they had a cup of Joe. I was like, God, you're killing me. Exactly. Yeah, exactly yeah it's crazy and it's like it's a different culture but they are a lot of

people that were raised mormon and now we're just like drunks it's like they it's like they they're so repressed yes it's like a rum springer that lasted forever where they're like i'm just gonna get fucked up forever yeah and they overcompensate so much like hey here's all my tats i'm ripped i. I got crazy hair. And my opener in Salt Lake was always, every guy here looks like if Monster Energy was a person. Oh, my God. That's great. All just buff and tattooed and pierced and shit.

So, yeah. There was like porn star-ish people on my last show. So, I'm like, this is like a porn star probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of fake tits a lot of like that whitish blonde hair you know like cut yes yeah yeah i look like quick silver or some shit what the hell literally the best crowds are like i i've been back on the road a bit and it's like uh it's funny getting back on the road like this i didn't have any experiences

like this but like i was at a club recently and a guy just this always kind of bugs me there's a little peeve it's a comedy peeve but sometimes like a person the show will just come in the green room and i'm just like it oh yeah that's i'm a dude but if that's a female comic you should maybe uh police that a little bit yeah but i had a guy who was just drunk and he came in the green room not wise guys he comes in in hammered. And I'm kind of like, can I help you? And he goes, can I have a picture? And he's just this big, oh, drunk. And I'm like, dude, you can't just come back. I'll take a picture of you, but you can't do that.

Right. And then the owner of the club comes back and goes, heard you almost got raped. I was like, yeah. And then they say, what, it was a joke. I was like, you're running a business. What are you doing? Yeah. And how do you know I didn't get raped?

But yeah, no, that is, it's just a curtain. You know, that's the whole thing. Or sometimes it's a room. Sometimes it's a room. It's kind of cool. It is cool when you walk through the kitchen to get to the green room and you feel like you're in Goodfellas or something. I love that. Yeah.

I thought you were in construction. Yeah, I love the kitchen walk. But yeah, great club and those crowds just love comedy. Denver and Salt Lake, something about those two cities. They just eat up comedy. Maybe that's it. Maybe the mountains. I don't know.

It's beautiful. Yeah, it's fun bringing someone on the road who's never been there because DeVito and I, the second we land in Salt Lake, he just looks at the mountains and goes, oh, my God. I was like, oh, man, you need that energy sometimes. Yes. Because we get so jaded. It's like, oh, another weekend.

And then he's like, dude, this is like gorgeous. I'm like, yeah, it really is. I know. And then you're just like, bam, five hours and we're in this whole other universe. Like this mountain is just staring at you. The people are different. There's no diversity. We are high elevation.

You know what's bad with diversity? When I see a black guy and I get excited, I'm like, thank God I got some color in my show. This is crazy. I know, but then when you take a photo with him and chase him, he's like, what the fuck? But yeah, yeah, I know. It's crazy. I think I worked there years ago and my host was black. And he's like, dude, I love coming here.

I'm like, really? He's like, yeah, I clean up. I'm like exotic. It's like going to Sweden. Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah, my host was a killer great great jokes really funny stuff it's so nice when uh you know the club just throws someone up who's really so he he he was there last time i was there too that's really one of the best clubs in the country one of the best we we did a thing we were talking about our best clubs and like i i don't know how we left that one off yeah that's the problem with doing those things.

You always leave clubs off. But Wiseguy's in Salt Lake, incredible. And then when you take a guy there like DeVito, your opener there, he's like, oh, this is what comedy can be. Because we get our ass kicked in the city. We're at a bar show in Brooklyn or some fucked up funny bone. So when you get to these great clubs, it's a really special thing. It's the best, man. Yeah, it was a good weekend. It was just killer shows.

Yeah, I'm just happy to be on the road again, man. It's nice to be back. It's good to have an outlet. You're like, oh, this is my purpose in life. Working on an hour. Going out. Killing in front of strangers. The time goes quickly, though.

People are like, why don't you do this on the road? I'm like, well, I do a pod with you. I do a pod with Stavros. So you're doing those bonus eps on the road. You're doing like, then you kind of need to sleep one day. That's true, yeah. Then you get drunk one night, so that ruins a day. Yeah.

Yeah. David Spade, I heard, hires a guy now just to stand outside the green room. Really? Just because so many people run back there. Well, he almost got killed by an assistant. Oh, that's right. Remember that? His assistant tried to, like, David Spade could have died.

Wow. What happened? He had a crazy assistant who just fucking broke into his place and tried to kill him. Holy hell. I think he fired him because the guy was a bad assistant. And then it turned out he was an even worse human, I guess. I don't know. Damn.

Crazy. Spade is some of those classic jokes where I love. I just love how sarcastic he is. He's one of my favorites. When you're on a flight and the pilot, they always tell you their name. Like someone on the plane is like, oh, he's good. I like his work. That's so his.

He's dry. He's so dry. Yeah, no, he's great. Nate Bargatze's favorite comic. He's dry. He's so dry. Yeah, no, he's great. Nate Bargatze's favorite comic. He's a great comic. Great comic. People don't know how funny Spade is who are like really young. I mean, they know, but they don't.

Like I've had people be like, oh, I didn't know he was this funny. Yeah. Oh, because we grew up in the 90s with like Tommy Boy and, you know. Black Sheep. Yeah, Just Shoot Me. Yeah, SNL. New York Minute. Remember that?

Was that? Was it? He had a thing like a desk piece. Yeah, it was great. Yeah, SNL. New York Minute. Remember that? Was that, was it, he had a thing like a desk piece. Yeah, it was great. Spain America. That was it, where he'd be like, Casino came out. It was great when it was called Goodfellas. He would do jokes like that.

He was like, it was like the first kind of cunty comic of our generation. Yes, cunty, yeah. Then I remember Terry Hatcher came on and put on a blonde short wig, and she was uh black sheep is out i liked it better when it's called tommy boy oh wow that's great and he just went oh yeah he was good it's so crazy to lose your kind of like comedy soulmate he lost farley you know and uh he died holy is. I mean, it's so weird. You're like, we're going to do this for 40 years, he probably thought. I know, I know. But he was one of those guys, like you hear those stories.

The shit that I've heard about him, they said one time he jerked off in Spade's notebook and closed it. And Spade's like, ah, gee, because he knew what it was. He was like such a wild guy that he was like ah he jerked off in my book again damn yeah like farley was wild he jerked off in his notebook he did shit like that all the time like you turn around and he's just balls around he's like ah you know stuff like that where he would you know it'd be canceled in a second but i always said snl used to have balls but wow they really really, no, Farley was the funniest man. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I mean, he had it all. He was like a cartoon character, falling through tables, fat guy in a little coat. The best. Yeah. Who's your top SNL person ever? I usually say Phil Hartman to sound smart. Dude, that's mine, too. Oh, really?

Oh, Caveman Lawyer? Come on. So good. So good. He was on another level. He's up there. Eddie Murphy, obviously. Yeah, yeah.

Well, I think Will Ferrell's up there. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough. There's so many good ones. Let's see. Hmm. I mean, I love Norm, too. Yeah, incredible.

Norm doing for real. You know who's underrated at Weekend Update is Kevin Nealon, man. Oh, yeah. He was great. Kevin Nealon's great. Yeah. He's got a solid act, too. Yeah. I had to follow him in LA once. I was like, man. Oh, yeah. He was great. Kevin Nealon was great. Yeah. He's got a solid act, too. Yeah.

I had to follow him in LA once. I was like, man, those jokes are great. He brought me up once to the comedy store, and he did not. It was hilarious where it's like he just didn't know who to bring up. And I'd worked with him pretty recently. But he's like, wait, who am I bringing up? And the waitress goes, Sam Moran. And he goes, who? And I got a huge laugh.

Jesus Christ. That's funny. Here we go. Yeah yeah you already feel a little out of water at la and then you hear that shit and you're like oh god i'm really then he's on my face he was like oh you i was like yeah haven't you worked with him i opened for mccaroline back in the day he's such a nice guy and really funny and was like gave me tags wow he was like watch my act i think they wanted someone clean for him, and I wasn't quite what he wanted. Yeah.

But he was still really cool, and yeah. Great guy. It's funny, because we used to hang out at Caroline's for years. When's the last time you stepped foot in there? I've been in there, I don't know how long, two years, three years? I did an event. Caroline's on Broadway, 49th and, yeah. Did an event before COVID, but yeah, I mean, I watched you. I would go watch you open

for a guy that's how you know little i had going on but i remember watching you open for jim jeffries and you did the the no bit and he was like that's a great joke and i remember i got to hear jim jeffries say my friend had a great joke and he was like that's great that's great he's like hitting me he's you know he's like already in a blackout he's not even on yet but uh yeah that was like it meant a lot that he was so cool i mean i was that was like 10 years ago probably more yeah so it's like meant a lot that he was so cool he was so cool he took us out after me you che yes it was great and he was like uh you know he's just a fun guy he almost came to my family thanksgiving which in retrospect thank god he was too hungover.

I just picture him going to my mother, who's like a very proper woman. I'll go and addict out for you people. I was fucking a toy hooker in the ass the other night. My mom's like, oh dear. Yeah, that would have been like Arthur, the movie. Having him at your house, just an Australian Arthur. He would have been a good Arthur. He'd be a great Arthur. They did.

Fuck, they redo movies. So they redid Arthur. He would have been a good Arthur. He'd be a great Arthur. They did. They re- Fuck. They redo movies. So they redid Arthur. With Russell Brand. I like Russell Brand, but it's like, this was their- They always need like, this is our spin. John Giggler is going to be a woman. Hell in the air.

Right, right. And it's like, I didn't see the movie, but I could just tell they made it too bright and colorful. Yes. It too Disney-fied. It was like, it looked like whimsical. Yes. You want that movie to have like a sadness to it. It's the-fied. It was like, it looked like whimsical. Yes. You want that movie to have like a sadness to it.

He was a sad drunk. Sad drunk and you loved him for it. It's the same with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. They remade that. It was too whimsical. It had Johnny Depp.

He was all quirky. It's like, no, that movie's got to have some fucking like darkness to it. That movie's dark. You can't do that anymore.

This is interesting. I mean, Charles Grodin just died who's a fucking brilliant comic actor. Name one big comic actor fucking like darkness to it that movie's dark you can't do that anymore this is interesting i mean charles groden just died who's a fucking brilliant comic actor name one big comic actor who's dry you can't have subtlety in a big comedy anymore have subtlety watch the heartbreak kid with with uh charles groden watch midnight run with charles groden amazing lines in in the heartbreak kid where he's you know trying he's talking to the girl's father yeah and he goes i didn't serve in the war in vietnam like you did but i i served in the war here fighting against injustice you know just like he's fucked up just he's just a horrible piece that's why that remake didn't work because yeah because he was like ben

stiller was like kind of cool in it like right right charles gruden's a fucking loser in that movie of course the the loser is always funnier the only thing a little more take more take more the closest thing to the dry comic actor now is probably vince vaughn and it's still not that dry but he's probably the closest you know he's like a big actor yeah he's in old school he's making like the quips off to the side side of the the mouth kind of shit. Great in that movie. Yeah. He's probably the only one because we had Bill Murray for a while, but then he kind of got weird. Bill Murray was the – he was the kind of the last of the dry, big –

He was the guy. Grodin, so – he's another line. I mean, so many great lines. But Midnight Run is one of those perfect movies where it's got everything. Yeah. It's a buddy comedy movie. I mean, we were sucking off the nice guys on the Patreon. Oh, yeah. It's a buddy comedy movie. I mean, we were sucking off the nice guys on the Patreon. Oh, yeah.

It's a buddy comedy. Two guys who hate each other. A bunch of colorful characters. You got Joe Pontigliano, Dennis Farina, Yafit Kodo, who just also passed away. But then, dude, it's so many, like the line where he meets De Niro's family and he goes, he's a criminal.

And the kid goes, he doesn't look look like a criminal I'm a white collar criminal It's a fucking great Lie that's great Grodin's the best yeah yeah You don't get the dry nuances out But I think it's It's living and prospering on the internet Because like real comedy

Fans are like alright I'll go to YouTube or whatever and you got to find your guy Now yeah but You're right but dry is harder because it's all about going viral and the exactly dry doesn't go viral dry is not like earned and it's a more like three-dimensional trait in a character yeah it's like the quick silly guy but uh yeah we're going for numbers now we're going for mainstream yeah and that's kind of hurting things we saw him on the street once i was with my buddy scott ragowski and marion groden charles groden's daughter is a stand-up and and she's really cool i moved right into her on the street and i was

like hey marion i thought i'd look over i'm like that's fucking charles groden i just look at scott who's like the biggest groden fan jaw dropped wow wow that's wild he was like man that guy was like so dry yeah he was the driest like my ex but uh yeah yeah yeah he'll be missed we had a with a mooney and a grogan in a week mooney is a is another like just badass comic another caroline's did you ever watch him do like a long set oh yeah many times i've watched hours of mooney never got to open i uh never got picked that was a tough gig yeah it's what i heard show up like 90 minutes late so sometimes you just got some like regular comics just being like i guess i gotta do 90 yes you had to stretch baby and that crowd was not into you

they were in they were waiting for him but he would walk his own crowd sometimes really he didn't give a fuck he did not give a fuck but in a in a in a way that was authentic i mean like you said chapelle said something about him right about yeah he said i saw chapelle pop in at the stand it was pretty great chris rock john stewart and chapelle did a whole mooney tribute which was really nice but he had the best line about Mooney. He said he could have been huge. He was brilliant enough. He was a great enough writer. I mean, he wrote for Pryor, for Christ's sake.

Every special, you see his name in the credits. Exactly. He wrote Blazing Saddles, all that shit. So he could have been huge, but he sacrificed having a big career just to keep it real. Yeah. Which is like, wow, when you hear that, you're like, that's so true. He did. He kept it so real.

He just wanted to say what he wanted to say, and it wasn't for everybody, and it's not going to work and get you mainstream success, but he chose his path. White man can't jump. Who cares? He owns the team. He had so many funny lines.

I mean, he really talks shit to white people in a hilarious way i remember i met him once i did a fryer's club roast i was 21 i bombed harder than i've ever bombed in my life it was a humiliating night paul mooney i've never seen a guy who i thought was like i looked up to the guy obviously i knew who he was and he was just phoning this set in like oh yeah and it was hilarious to watch him just kind of get nothing and be like, I don't give a fuck. Yeah. He did not give a fuck.

And he brought, he brought me on to just like nothing. He goes, this next comic, he just like read something. I think I had like a blurb. He's like, you've seen it.

He's a fan of Kennison. He's a fan of Bill Hicks. He's a fan of Richard Pryor. I knew all of them. All dead. Give it up for Sam Morrell. That was my intro to just, you just cut to me it just like

and i just bombed for like and then you know and then rich voss went on after me and his first joke bombed he goes you better laugh or i'm bringing sam back up and it killed that's a great line killed man he sacrificed your ass for a for a laugh i was just i laughed it was fucking hilarious but wow what what what bomb what was so so bad about your set was it i think i just i think it's weird i don't i just didn't have any chops i just wasn't i wasn't they could smell the fear maybe totally i did an audition to get that they did like open calls at gotham and it was like during the day and i remember seeing like richard belzer was in there like petting a dog a little dog this is so weird this is like uh eddie brill was like one of the judges

i think it was like a couple other comics judging it and i went up and i killed i had like just jokes about they were like just give any i think it was just like a random celebrity just roast them and i did i think it was like simon cowell and i was killing i was like i was so nervous but it went well i was like they're you're in, you got it. Wow. And then I just wasn't good. Interesting. It was bullshit.

It was like, I didn't have, I was too new. I was 21, I just didn't have it. Wow, that's pretty wild that you had that experience. Was it at the Friars Club? Yeah, it was humiliating. Wow. It was a roast of Omarosa. Oh my God.

What year was this? 08 or something? 07? Wow. Holy shit. That's wild. Horrible. Man, what a time capsule.

Omarosa, Mooney. She looked great. She was very attractive. Sleepy hot lady or sneaky hot lady. Before she was part of Trump's cabinet. Yeah. She's a pretty lady. Hell of a cheekbone on that girl.

Oh, yeah. But yeah, wow. that's a crazy night. And that's one of those nights, you probably had a suit on. I did. So you're 21 in a suit. I posted a picture with Mooney on Instagram. I saw, oh, that's the pic. Yeah.

Is that night? Yeah. Oh, I'm sure he hated taking that pic. Yeah, you could just see in his eyes, this guy ain't going anywhere. Well, you beat him, technically. I won't go that far i mean he he's just such a cool character i mean a lot of younger people know him from chapelle show and like obviously that's like what that helped a lot of us yeah how cool he was i mean it's so fucking funny in those so funny so funny he probably wrote a bunch of that shit. I mean, he was just a great comedy mind.

And he has an episode of The Green Room. Yeah, it's great. And him and Bobby Slayton, who are both titans of that era, going back and forth. And Bobby Slayton says the N-word. And Paul Mooney just rolls his eyes. It's fucking great. Yeah, it's like Paul Mooney's like, I've heard this shit before. Exactly.

You're not going to get me. The Green Room was a great show. Great show. It's on YouTube. Check that out. You're not going to get me. The Green Room was a great show. Great show. It's on YouTube. Check that out. That's a wreck. Wreck. Paul Provenza, also a great dude.

Yeah, good guy. Who loves comedy more than Provenza? Yeah. He's brought a book, Satiristas, and yeah, The Green Room is killer. He had a show in the 90s where he just interviewed comics. Nobody watched it, I'm sure, but it was like Bill Hicks is on. I saw that, yeah. Louie's on one.ie's got a white socks with dress shoes he looks like an idiot it's fun to watch david tell all these guys oh my god but yeah now i feel like we're going too deep we're going too deep give me a peeve give me a peeve oh i have so many i mean basketball

one tonight i had was uh here's one the guy who just like stands up in the fucking in the aisle and is like in no rush to get a seat i'll just stand here for a second and watch yeah you're obstructing the view you piece of shit i know i nearly got my ass kicked because this guy wouldn't move he just wouldn't move and i go i and some people going sit down sit down and finally i get the closest shot to go. I go, sit the fuck down. And he turns around and he gives me the dirtiest look. He goes, calm down. Whoa.

And I was just like, and I just gave him a look back. We kind of stared at each other. And I was like, I think this dude could take me. Man, the energy of this game was bananas. It was bananas. I'm like, I paid a lot of money for these seats. I don't want to fucking, you know. Yeah.

I don't want to miss out. Damn. What was it? Long Island out out there you think coming in a little long island a little a little bit every that's the beauty of madison square garden you get you get literally every borough that's true you get the suburbs you get everything jersey long island maybe some westchester yeah the real i mean i feel like a lot of jersey people are knicks fans because fuck the nets dude yeah yeah and the nets are brooklyn i

don't know knicks i'm a knicks fan forever so that's a i got another peeve all right these people on on airplanes so two peeves one they don't respect the zone oh zone is big i live for those zones that's my whole life is built around the zone it's kind of like it's so weird when they're like all right we're boarding this people now and literally every person just stands there and yes i go literally when i'm cold i don't right you're not you're slowing down the whole process because now the people that are boarding before you have to like weave through you exactly so i hate that shit that's a peeve uh-huh you hate the the weaving or you hate the gathering i hate the fact that you have to weave because of the gathering.

I enjoy the weave, though. It feels kind of cool. Excuse me. Get out of my way. I'm important. You're not. All right. I got Delta Comfort.

Delta Comfort, man. Oh, that's all I do. I don't need first class. I do. Oh, really? Well, you got the gams. I mean, look, I had Comfort today. I prefer for, I mean, it's just like, it depends on, it depends how long a flight we're talking.

Yeah, yeah. If you got that New York to LA or Seattle or Portland, it's tough not to, but yeah, I don't know. Yeah, well, the exit row is kind of a poor man's first class. You got to risk your life. I'm fine with that. It's kind of like going to war. Yeah. But then you come back and you're like, all right, you get some respect here.

Yeah, exactly. Who has ever, has anyone ever gone ever gone like hey do you feel comfortable in a case of emergency has anyone gone nah i don't think i can handle it you know people have oh really i think sure i'm in the history there must have been someone who's like yeah i'm a coward i don't want to do it all you got to do is pull the latch up i don't know i don't know it doesn't seem that crazy also i feel like if it gets that bad you could just be a coward and be like i don't know i don't know it doesn't seem that crazy also i feel like if it gets that bad you could just be a coward and be like i don't give a shit that's true you could jump out and get some other guy yeah that's true i would love to save the day on a plane though that would be the highlight of my life in what way like sully are we talking like mark walberg hypothetical 9-11

sully is never gonna happen because i can't fly a plane but i'm talking tackle a guy who's like belligerent or whatever in the aisle because i feel like people would have your back you wouldn't even be fighting with the guy for that long you know people would help you but if you make the first move i would i would love to be that guy then you get like you get dealt the lounge for the rest of your life you know donald sterling guy in the plane leave him alone yeah yeah yeah yeah i would love to save the save the day on a plane that would be badass that would really be something and what a credit i mean fucking tonight show you know him from uh the united viral clip you know him from saying get off my plane to some russian scumbag and one of the greatest bad movies

of all time yeah oh air force one is so cheesy i love that movie it's so good i had the vhs oh dude oh yeah i remember when the mtv awards used to be like a bigger thing and they'd be like the in the line of the year get off my plane yeah that was pre-9-11 right yeah yeah gary oldman Gary Oldman. That was back when Russian terrorists were the big thing. Yes. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Those were the days.

It was fine to hate Russia. Everybody can get on board with that. It's such a hilarious propaganda vehicle where it's like, fuck, Harry, can you pull up any of Air Force One? It's so, that last scene is so funny. Yeah. Just the scene where he's fighting with Gary Oldman. And it's like, of course, the president, like, uh gary oldman and it's like of course the

president like not only he saves the day yes of course it's such hilarious horseshit propaganda it's some real patriotism uh americana shit you know like oh our president is not only like handsome and nice but he can kick ass harrison ford does rock though oh i love him i love his dumb earring i love that he can fly a plane i'm a fan did you see the viral clip of him where the guy showed him the magic trick no some guy did magic at his home and he was like what the fuck did you do it was like in the most harrison ford way possible he was just freaking out at a magic trick i have seen the clip of him at comic-con where he's like uh grow up he He's like yelling at these kids, like, get out of your mom's basement.

Go get a hobby, you losers. And they're all like, no, Solo. Han, we love you. I'd love to jump on board, but I'm wearing a jersey of a man who's younger than me on my body right now. Well, I mean, we're getting old, you know. Somebody had a good point. They said, you know you're getting old when police are younger than you. And you're like, ooh, that's true.

You know, cop used to come to the window and you go, oh, yeah, sorry, sir. And now I'm like, hey, what is you, 18? Yeah, I'm like, go home. Yeah. What are you doing out? Cop is, I have a lot of new cop jokes. That might be my bit for this week. I might run one that's not really, it's not really there yet, but I might run that by you.

All right, yeah. Lay it on me. Let me throw it. Let's do the ad. We got an ad here, folks. Let's get an ad in here, folks. All right, all right, all right. Here we go.

Did you email it there, Hare? I texted it. Oh, you texted it. Okay. Even better. Beautiful. I love text. Hate email.

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I know, right? I'm slash slurring. Give me a peeve. All right. Oh, you got it. I got some interesting stuff this week. Okay, peeve. This happened to me all weekend, and I think it's a, I don't know.

Maybe we're comics. We're out every night. We're riffing and raffing. We're chopping it up with all kinds of different folk. The guy who you kind of know, who you bump into, and he keeps asking, how are you? Because he has nothing else to say. You know, you go, hey, man, good to see you. Man, what has it been, like two years? He's like, I know. How are you? I man good to see you man what's it been like two

years he's like i know how are you i'm good i'm good i'm good things are going great i'm back on the road uh what's going on with you oh you know uh being the lady where we're living up here but how are you i'm good i'm good and after the third how are you i'm out of stuff i'm tired i'm tired is how i am yes Yes. Yeah. I'm tapped out. Stop asking me how are you. Let's actually have a conversation. I told you how I am twice. I made up two of them because I had to fill dead air.

It's tough because it's almost like we've all done those morning radio show spots on the road where they have like nothing and we just have to like take over. That's what they're asking you to do. But I get fucking some of these gigs. I'm tired, man. Right. You're so right. But like, I just want to have a conversation of back and forth and then i feel guilty if i take over the whole thing i don't want to just make this about me so i want to include and have a an equal opportunity here but just how are you how are you but they're asking you to

dominate the conversation and they're making you feel guilty it It's like a double fuck you kind of. Yes, exactly. I felt guilty. And then I'm like, I'm good. I'm good. What's up with you? And now we're just in this weird stalemate or whatever. Is that a stalemate? Is that a thing?

I don't know. What the hell is a stalemate? A stalemate, isn't that a chess term? Probably, yeah. Yeah, it's a chess term and I think neither you can win. I guess it works. Okay. I just use it can win i guess it works okay i just use it i think blindly oh man speaking of chess the queen's gambit uh girl was at the

game tonight what she is hot oh yeah yeah i got a nugget for she lives in my building really true story damn pretty wild her husband is or a boyfriend whatever is whatever is a beautiful man. Really? He's like 6'6", ripped, hot guy with the V-neck and a leather jacket. You could pull off a leather jacket. I'm working on it. You've done it for episodes here. That's our highest viewed episode, by the way. Is it? Do you think it's because of the jacket?

I think it's the LJ. I like it, man. All right. That's one peeve. I hate just to have a a conversation enough with the how are you it's tough yeah they're asking you to do the heavy lifting all right so then i'm in hartford so you got a drink it's the only way to get through it and uh i got this one and i hope we haven't covered this before but i got this one from everybody i'm trying i've been so hung over

lately i guess i'm getting old or whatever it is But I've been trying to kill the hangovers and fight back. So I heard if you have a glass of water between every drink, you're going to be fine. Which is not true, but I tried it. But I had the guy going, water? Really? Water? I'm like, I'm going to keep drinking. I'm just trying to stay hydrated for the hangover tomorrow. This isn't some kind of attack on booze or alcoholism. I just need the water.

It's our most natural resource. I can't have a glass. I know. Why are you making us feel? Dude, I do the same thing because I want to be able to function the next day. Yes, exactly. I don't want to lose a day. The bartender, you mean?

What's that? It's the bartender? No, it was a guy I was hanging out with. So he's like, really? Water? You're drinking water? Whoa, what a weirdo. What a pussy.

I'm like, I'm still boozing. I've had more drinks than you probably, but I just would like to have a life tomorrow. Yeah, I don't like people getting involved in your routine. How about that? I'm with you. You do your thing and I'll do mine as long as we talked about this on the patreon people who get mad when you leave too when they're just like come on you're like i've been here all fucking night i know how about i leave when i want to leave it makes me

like be like well i'm not gonna come hang out with you next time i leave when i want to leave that's why irish exits are so underrated oh i love an irish no and what? When this guy's that drunk, they're not going to remember anyway. You're just saving yourself an ugly confrontation. Right, right, exactly. So true. That's why people do it. Yeah, it's just easier, and you're not going to remember anyway. You're going to wake up tomorrow.

You're not going to go, whatever happened to that guy? You're just going to go on with your shit. Is that why it's called the Irish exit? Because the Irish are probably the meanest when you leave. Oh, because they're a bunch of drunks. Because they they're drunks they probably call you a pussy if you leave and then that's probably out of vented i don't want to piss them off yeah i love it i mean i think it's it's weirdly uh considerate in a way like look you guys keep having fun i'm a downer i'll just be on my mosey way here also how about like sometimes you're out of shit to give and you're like yes i need some me time like we talk about it we're both comics we're out all the time yeah i

think we're both kind of introverted at the end of the day of course of course you need those recharge time it's like you know what's good for you don't guilt someone into hanging out that's not your fucking friend i know and not to be a cunt but how great is this party if you if you desperately need me there oh dude how about those texts come to this party it's great i feel like if it were you wouldn't be pushing me so yeah yeah if you're if you're eating out l mcpherson you're not texting me you know what i mean i like your hot chick reference it's like 50 something now i couldn't think of it if you're banging christy Brinkley, I feel like. If you got Sidney Crawford on the blower, hang on to that one.

Oh, man. No, but it's so true, though. If you know Nicole Eggert. Okay, okay, sorry. If you're mope diving Donna D'Erico. That's a great one. I'll tell you, if Carmen Electra is on the horn don't hang up on her if you like a little liasmin bleeth action i think we've we've done all of paywatch did we just did we just uh talk about every woman we jacked off to yeah pretty much on our first like

year rubbing out this is our first year yeah yeah if you know xena the warrior princess and you're fingering her all right what if this took a turn i was like if you know hercules oh kevin sorbo wait a minute that dude's gone off the deep end oh he was like one of the dudes cheering on the capital trashing was he yeah he was like live tweeting he was like they're finally coming i'm like oh this is a bad look yeah him james woods is another one who went wild, went nuts. Great actor, though. Great actor. Phenomenal actor.

Great roles. He was on a Columbo back in the day, too. Ooh. Murderer. Sorry to give that one away, but he was a bad guy. But you should have known. It was James Woods. Yeah, yeah.

The second you see him, you're like, you did it. Yeah. Yeah, so true. He was great as L uh lester lester diamond and casino oh god he was great the weasel yes yes there's always that guy who's like talking to your girl and you're like who is that guy she's like ah he's harmless you're like i don't think he is harmless i don't like that guy lester weasel or lester diamond sorry uh all right all right you gotta here's my wreck you're

wrecking the green room great wreck I'm wrecking two things even though I probably should save one maybe I'll save one for next step I gotta say I was shocked and surprised HBO's got a new show about stand-up it's kind of loosely based on Joan Rivers. Oh, yeah. It looks great. Hacks? It's killer. Yeah. Hacks is great.

I watched it with the lady. We were both like, this is a good show. This is good writing. I mean, they nail comedy. How many millions of comedy shows have come out where you're like, that's not what it's like. That's so ridiculous. That would never happen. You know, they get heckled and the woman's on her first first ever show and she's

killing the guy you know you're like no she would crumble but this is like really realistic timely very poignant interesting well-written hbl max it looks great i remember i remember taylor redford i was like i was just like doing the sides with her for audition i remember being like i like this dialogue a lot the dialogue's good and the premise is so perfect i never like the dialogue on these auditions oh they're the worst but yeah it's it is a good premise like joan rivers and like a protege kind of yeah and the protege is like an entitled hipster kind of gen z she wrote a blog everybody liked the blog so then she got hired on this show and now she's entitled she's like i shouldn't have to i i was on that show why do i have to keep trying and work hard and then joan river's like you gotta work you got lucky you you

i i'd have like do the clubs for years you just wrote on a blog so then the girl gets canceled for a tweet about a gay senator and then uh so this joan lady hires her, and she's miserable. It's really interesting. It's a good show. It looks fucking great, man. Yeah, I was so impressed with it that I emailed the writer, the head writer. Who? This woman, Jen Statsky. Oh, yeah, I follow her on Twitter.

She's good. Her tweets are funny, too. She's a basketball head. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. So I messaged her. I DM'd her i was like i just want to say i've seen a million shows about stand-up this one's actually realistic

and makes sense and really funny the writing's great and she wrote back thanks i appreciate she's been around she's written on a lot of stuff yeah i see that name i see her name pop up a lot she's a pro i mean the show is really well done damn i had a movie and i can't remember my rec now i'm fucking an idiot ah yeah well this doesn't help yeah this is not helping yeah this can't be good for us i had like three points of when you were talking and i lost them all because i like got into what you were saying so it happens it's funny i hear that my talk to people they're like that's a great idea for a podcast you guys just get drunk and i'm like yeah you should listen to an episode we lose a lot it's for the first 30 minutes they're like oh these guys are uh you know on to something you know it's like the opposite of marin you guys you gotta stick around for the

beginning right right right exactly yeah this this pod's like a marriage in the beginning it's great and it just crumbles fuck man i'm trying to think. All right. I'll save the other wreck. I should ask. I don't want to blow it out. I should ask what the movie was because I know. Oh, you saw a great movie? I've seen it, but. You also wrecked Heartbreak Kid.

You know what? Midnight Run. I got a good. Yeah, but those are. I've wrecked those a million times. I got a good wreck for you. All right. All right.

Peaky Blinders. Ah, I think you wrecked this before. No, no, no. I think I mentioned I liked those a million times. I got a good wreck for you. All right, all right. Peaky Blinders on Netflix. I think you wrecked this before. No, no, no. I think I mentioned I liked it on the Patreon. Oh, okay, okay. No, I think I wrecked Watchmen last week, didn't I? Last week, yeah. I thought maybe this was an older rep, but-

No, no, no. I just started watching it. I like it a lot. If I wrecked this for the second time, I apologize. I like it because it's like they're always getting drunk. They're always smoking. The main character is fucked up from the war. It's kind of got a Don Draper thing going on.

The dialogue is very noir. There's a line where he's trying to get one of the women to this woman, this bartender. He's trying to get her, and she's an undercover cop. He's trying to get her to hook up with this gangster that he wants to be in business with. And she goes, I'm not a whore. And he said, we all are. We just sell different parts of ourselves i love dialogue like that killian murphy's a great actor the acting's great it gets a little doer at times the color is so gloomy but

i'm i'm in i'm i'm into it i watched the first season and uh it's really well done like the set pieces and all that it really like it's cool like cinema yeah pieces and all that. It really like- It's cool. It sounds like cinema. Yeah, I'm into it. Style. So I like it, but it was one of those I never got back in. You know, the second season is tough now to pull you back in. My buddy Dory pushed me so hard to watch it that I finally was like, it's one of those shows that you need to be put.

Most Netflix originals suck. That's true. But also, we're such pampered twats like when you said succession i looked at i was like ah this looks a little slow and maybe boring and then i was i'm obsessed with succession i cannot wait for the third season i'm so pumped special on tv it might be the best show on tv so if you just push through i mean the wire how many times did i try the wire four Four times? And then I eventually got going. So, yeah, sometimes it takes a little bit of a push.

Yeah. But, yeah, yeah, I like it. He's a hot guy. Who? Murphy. Yeah, he's like weird. He's like those eyes. Yeah.

You're like, is this dude handsome or just scary? Exactly. I've talked to girls. They're like, oh, he's so hot. He's so sexy. But who's your number one if you went gay who'd you hook up with for who have you thought about prime clooney looks pretty good prime clooney you know what movie i just remember what movie i was gonna write oh great

we got this was gonna be the movie wreck okay out of sight oh great movie it's a soda burg soda burg and it's cool i saw cluny in interview say like he needed a hit because he wasn't viable as a movie star and it wasn't even a hit but it was so well liked by critics that it kind of saved him soda burg needed a hit wow yeah j-lo is hot as hell so hot you got dennis farina's in that shit yes cheet Cheadle. Cheadle's great in it. Yeah. Steve Zahn. Yeah. He's underrated as a comedic actor. You got Isaiah Washington, one of the first actors to get canceled over the last 20 years.

What did he do? He said he called a gay guy that slurred on Grey's Anatomy. Oh, yeah. He did the F-bomb. Yeah. Wow. I forgot. He got canceled, which you're like, damn. Is there no path to redemption, though?

I know. But then, so then he, which is like a blogger word. I'm sorry I even said that. Is there no path to redemption, though? I know. But then, so then he, which is like a blogger word. I'm sorry I even said that. Is there no path to redemption? Truth to power. That's another big one I hear a lot. So then, yeah, the cast is incredible. Oh, Ving Rhames.

Oh, yeah. Who's never not good. Love the Ving. Love the Ving Rhames. Great movie. So, yeah, we watched that, and I was like, man, I haven't seen this in a while, but the dialogue is just killer. And the first scene, clooney's robbing the bank and he's just he plays an ass oh albert brooks albert brooks yeah he just plays an asshole it's fun

to see clooney play kind of like a a bad dude yeah yeah no he's it's it's so stylized too and it looks great it's kind of a throwback to like a weird 70s, just kind of heisty, sexy, cool movie. Young Clooney's pretty hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who else? Definitely like. Who has really grabbed you, though? Who are you like, man, that guy is cool as shit.

I'd love to blow him. You know who's a really handsome man? Is Michael B. Jordan. Oh, yeah. he is a good looking really good looking guy ripped he's so ripped he's like because you got to go like action star because these dudes take care of themselves i know michael b jordan you're like you're playing like superheroes you're playing fucking creed oh there we go he also is uh gq does this thing on youtube where they go like give us your daily routine like what do you

do every morning and then throughout the day and he did one and he was so cool and chill and regular that it made me like him oh that would be yeah because i was ready to not like him if you're gonna be like i wake up at 5 a.m yeah i have an avocado smoothie like oh that's the rock those guys are in there brady yes exactly but then you look at Tom Brady's shirtless, and you're like, you look like shit. He's kind of skinny fat. Yeah, but then he's just like an incredible. So maybe it's not about how you look. Right.

Well, a lot of MMA guys are like, this guy looks like doughy and chubby, but then they can kick ass. So hey, who knows? Oh, dude, Cormier? Yeah. DC. You're like, this dude should not be able to fight. That guy's amazing.

He's incredible. One of the best of all time who you gotta give me some of your guys well i would i got a weird thing for oscar is it oscar isaac oh yeah yeah he's something about that guy is is uh he's a handsome guy swarthy swarthy i like i think if i was a lady i would go swarthy yeah short though you cool with that he is short well i i'm okay with it because i keep an open mind i'm not as uh shallow as most ladies but uh i you know i'm i'm 5 10 so i gotta give it up to the the under six guys but uh he's such a good actor i love the choices he picked he's got great roles you know ex machina and lewin davis oh so he's cool both two of the most just awesome movies the last 20 years i think

yeah and then but then if we're going cool guy skill level tom hardy wow pretty hot i feel like he would hurt you yeah i could see that he's like a heartbreaker but i feel like he also might fuck you too hard don't you think yeah i can see that But he's just so good And like In interviews He's quick And funny You gotta have quick Did you ever see the movie

Lock? Is that the one Where he's That's not the one Where he's the two gangsters He's just in the car For the entire time I don't think I have seen that

The entire movie Is him just in a car In a car And it's like He does phone calls And that's the whole movie What? It works come on

it's fucking great is he driving or is he in the back seat he's driving but it's like he'll get a phone call and you'll be like steaks just all of a sudden happen and you're just like wow that's pretty crazy that i just felt that much from just a phone call but it's it's pretty crazy does he get out of the car not really no it's i'm telling you it's it's pretty crazy does he get out of the car not really no what it's i'm telling you it's it's i respect movies where you're like this is the weirdest this must have been the weirdest pitch yeah yeah right but you got tom hardy so they're like well we'll take it but i've seen phone booth and that sucked it looked like shit it's just a guy in a phone booth and they're like if you leave this phone booth we're gonna blow it up or whatever the hell it is so it's an interesting premise but you're like first of all

i haven't seen a phone booth since 1988 and secondly i don't know is it i'm not that invested yeah oh how where do you stand on uh bangability on like a colin farrell i think he's a handsome guy and you know in bruges is great he got the accent. He probably is a fun drunk. So I think he's a bangable. Bangable, but I feel like it's a low hit rate. I feel like he only would get hard like every like five or six lays. Interesting. And then some of them would be like crazy hard, hard.

We're like, you're hard, but it's only for like part of the time. Yeah. Yeah. I can see that. It's kind of like his career you know but he he also has the whiskey dick then we've all heard the irish curse oh true so you know if i'm gonna go gay one night i'd like to have at least a decent hog who who else are you thinking uh let's see uh christian bale not too shabby yeah but he seems

like he's got anger problems. Yeah. He would be in a character and take it out on you. Right, right. That's why I'm not fucking Daniel Day. That would be a nightmare. He's like two in the role. He's like method. He's like, fuck Lincoln too.

This sucks. I thought you died at the end of this shit. What the hell? I know. Where's Booth? Didn't he quit acting? Yeah. and now he's back in acting oh is he i don't think he's back oh i thought he was i thought he came back well he did phantom threat i think that was it oh okay that was a good movie was it good i like it's very slow yeah yeah but you're like this dude's great i mean you could do worse

shit than watch that dude okay no i agree i agree he's a he's a beast but i feel like every movie this year in the oscars was slow i i couldn't i they all none of them looked like movies i wanted to watch you know what the problem is those are movies that i can watch if i went to the theater and made a night of it but they're not movies that i can watch at home it's like watching a foreign film if i see one playing in the theater i'm in right but at home i'm like ah it's hard to just stay locked in i completely agree you got the phone there you got the laptop there you got everything else there it's hard to it's got to be like if it's like a classic i'll i'll go all in on it does that worry you and i know we got to start

wrapping this up but does that worry you about your attention span because i grew up watching movies i grew up watching tv all day and it was just tv or i'd read a book or i'd go skate or whatever it was but i would just i would be locked into a movie and i i loved every minute of it i didn't want it to end and now i'm like oh it's a good movie oh shit i gotta tweet something depends if i'm alone depends like i try to put the phone down if I'm going to watch a movie. I mean, but also part of it's like a lot of movies are shit now. Oh, yeah. A lot of movies that we grew up on, we were all in on shit movies.

Like think about how many bad movies you're like, I'm just going to watch this whole thing and have no distractions. And it's like that movie didn't earn my attention. Interesting. I'm not saying it's healthy, but also like if it's a good movie i'm gonna give it a shot like i don't know like if i'm watching even like a good show i'm gonna try a lot of shows get greedy though now we're like it'll be like an hour long show and like three scenes are good right that's true there's a lot of that so it's kind of like if it if you

earn our attention you'll get but i do i i I hear what you're saying. Like we're programming the youth to just have zero attention. We were talking about the algorithm earlier. Yeah. All these things. It's all about like instant satisfaction. I mean, think of a show like Family Guy, which is like kind of groundbreaking because they were like, we're not going to have a plot. It's really just going to be the jokes.

Yeah. Yeah. That's true. They cut the fat. Yeah. They cut the fat. And it was great. I mean, I love Family Guy. I think it's still on i don't know who knows i don't want to watch his tv anymore but uh isn't that crazy it's crazy we spent our whole lives trying to get on tv and

now we're like youtube is better than if we had a special on fox of course i mean i can watch an animal attack then i can cut to like the playoffs in the 88 and then i could cut to uh a fist fight in the street then you can cut to like oh look at this johnny carson set with rodney hilarious if that was the actual that was cable you're just like you change the channel it's two bums beating the shit out of each other yeah that'd be great and then porn is right there so like it's just everything you want in any genre any art. It's all right there. Yeah. Nostalgia, whatever you want. So YouTube is always the winner for me. YouTube is incredible.

I try to like, I should watch Hacks. I might watch that. Give it a shot. Give it a shot. It's two episodes in. I think they're like waiting for more to come out or whatever it is. Our buddy Dan Perlman and Kevin Ice have a show on Showtime called Flappish Misdemeanors,

and it's getting good reviews. Oh, nice. I want to see that, too. I like both of them a lot. All right. I'll check that out. So check that out on Showtime, because I hear good things. I love Iso.

I've gotten drunk with him a few times. He's a good egg. We were just in a bathroom together at the stand, and we had some good laughs. But Perlman's a good egg. Perlman's got a great line about uh his friend i don't know maybe i shouldn't give away his material but he's got it it's an older joke his friend's like i like to date girls who are still pretty without makeup and he's like that's not that doesn't make you noble you know you're basically saying like oh i only date God's home runs, which is such a great line.

That's great. God's home runs. God's home runs. Yeah. So, yeah, check that out. And we're on the road. We're back at it. Should we do a bit before we go? Oh, geez.

Yeah, let's do a bit. I have a whole cop chunk that's hitting, but I have one or two lines I need to get on board. All right. Hit me, baby. Part of it, I don't know if I'll remember it it but part of it is uh you know the people i this is how i kind of started and this didn't really hit but i think there's some potential here there's a thing on you know citizens app yes yes i love there was a thing there was a thing on it in california that this guy was accused of starting the wildfires with a thirty thousand dollar reward. And it was up for like 15 hours and it turns out he didn't do it.

And it's almost like the liberals who were like, defund the police were also like, what if we were the police? That's so true. It didn't really hit, but I think it's like a fun premise. So I started doing a thing like, I think they should have to be the police for a year, the far left. That would be just perfect. Just a year of them like you know pulling you over and you're like was i speeding like no but uh we found a tweet of yours from 2008 that's great is that against that's the angle is that against the law and you're like no we just wanted to know we just wanted you to know that we know and you're like yeah that's great so then i

want to do a thing i had other angles with it like you know, I'm trying to think of it like you're under, like you have the right to remain silent. But if you do want to speak, we're willing to listen because you've been a marginalized voice and we're aware of that. Right. Might cut that. Might do one about. It feels like if they were black, they wouldn't get pulled over.

Hey, that guy's speeding. Yeah, he's black. Let's let it go. Let's let it go. When they plan evidence on Jews and white people, they're black, they wouldn't get pulled over. Hey, that guy's speeding. Yeah, he's black. Let's let it go. Let's let it go. Or they plant evidence on Jews and white people. They're like, can't this? Or like, you know, another angle is like this hit, this line hit where I was like, you know, it's kind of like I feel like he's guilty. And you're like, well, the evidence says he's not.

And you're like, well, you have your truth and I have mine. Oh, that's good. That's good. Yeah. This is, well, you have your truth and I have mine. Oh, that's good. That's good. Yeah. This is my truth. This is my truth. Yeah. Well, we need a judge to come in.

No, no. This is my truth. This is how I feel. Yeah. Yeah. You can't argue with how I feel. So then the last part, this bombed. I think this is funny, but this bombed.

I say, you know, yeah, cops make horrible decisions, but at least most of them are split second decisions. Like liberals make horrible decisions but at least most of them are split second decisions like liberals make bad decisions that last decades cops are like cops are like hope that's a hope that's really a gun liberals are like uh two to the woody allen again ah really yeah zilch that's i guess i guess people aren't thinking about Woody Allen as much as we are, but that's great. Also, cops, the thing about cops is, yeah, they'll put a guy in jail. He does the time. They get out.

With the liberals, it's like, you're just fucked forever. We just hate you. Yeah, you're just stuck. There's no, there's like, it's funny. The same people that are like, this person deserves a second chance are like, fuck that guy forever. Yeah, you're just stuck. There's no, there's like, it's funny, the same people that are like, this person deserves a second chance are like, fuck that guy forever. Yeah, exactly. Where's the second chance?

Somebody had a great line. It was like, wokeness is like a religion except there's no forgiveness. Yeah, that's great. That's a great line. That's heavy. Damn. But no, that's great.

It's a hard bit because there's nothing tangible there. You're just going all off of basically like kind of the world we're living in now. Yeah. That's a great bit, though. It's just fun because I do think that like a lot of the fun, like, look, I identify with a lot of liberal politics, but a lot of progressives will do shit where they don't ever put themselves in the other person's shoes yes and it's like which is the definition of open-mindedness and consideration compassion well you see people like like white women yelling and like there was one of like her like poking in a black cop's face that went viral and it's like

that guy might know what it's like right he might Black Lives Matter. He's like, I'm black. I'm a cop. I might have my foot in both. Yeah. I might actually have an understanding. I don't know. I think they get so swept up in the activism and saving the world and everything that you don't realize you're yelling at this guy.

But it's not real activism. You posted a fucking black square on Instagram. You didn't do anything. I even think about this a lot. I went to a couple of protests and they're not people just want it to be a thing but it's like real protests were unsafe yeah like Martin Luther King and like like you were marching in Mississippi that was unsafe yeah you're fucking marching in the suburbs right right and there's a Panera Bread right next to where you're marching you're getting a bowl right after this shit. Yeah.

And when you break it all down, a lot of this is for you. For sure. Lady, this is all- You wanted a picture for your- You want the photo. Yeah. You want people to know. And look, I'm not saying your intentions aren't good.

I'm not saying that it's good to feel that people deserve equal rights, obviously, and that your heart's in the right place. But there is an annoying type of person that is like i don't want to get political on here because it's like a fun drinking show but when people are like defund the police it's like we'll come up with a fucking solution then exactly what's the solution we all have we all have guns right i can't drive a car i feel like this isn't gonna work out well with a fucking firearm and then ironically the people who say defund the police are very police-like they're telling you what you can do what you can't say what you can't do and you're like

he's like a cop i'm scared of you like i thought you hated these people and you're one of the it's it's the gay senator who's closeted and he's like we gotta stop these homos and you're like you're you're gay dude this is the this is your weird overcompensation. It's the same shit. Right. And both sides have fucked up. The extremes are all overcorrected. Exactly.

Most people just are decent. But yeah, certain things obviously have to be corrected. But look, I just think there's... Just don't make it about you. You know, to help people, I like progress. I want people to be equal and and move on and all this but like this is more for a lot of people is more for them than it is for the actual cause they're tweeting about shit but they're not actually living that shit yeah i think there's a

disconnect with social media yes like you're you're a different person behind the keyboards it is like it's all for a lot of it, not everybody, a lot of people it's for show. Oh, yeah. Like, I mean, you're not showing your low points on there. You're not leaving the abortion clinic like selfie. You're doing it at fucking, you're showing yourself leaving like cool places.

Right, right. You know what I mean? Yeah. You're not showing yourself at your lowest. You're showing yourself, you're like, there is virtue signaling, obviously. Yeah, it comes down to perception you know i want to be perceived this way yeah and that's what we do online i mean

i want to be perceived as funny so i only post jokes i do not post any people like why are you being quiet about this i'm like i'm quiet about everything because i'm a i'm a comedian and i'm keeping it jokey i have a lot of new bits's funny. I have a new bit also about like how I saw a guy in a t-shirt that says, fuck racism. I was like, damn, we have to wear shirts now. It's like I can't just feel that in my heart. It's like I say, you don't see me walking around in my Islamophobes can suck my nut t-shirt. And so the angle I'm doing is like I just want to start walking around in a a in a t-shirt that says fuck baby rapists and people are just like like why are you wearing them like are you are you pro baby rape and they're

like no i'm like well i'm trying to raise awareness so it's like there was like an obviousness to this and like a yeah there was like a virtue signaling element where it's like most people know a lot of it's like structures that need to be changed most people are i think good i agree i agree completely it's just this gooey middle yeah you know where some people are too far this way some people too far that way most people are just somewhere in the middle just being quiet it's like the quiet guy on the train we're like census workers in the way that we meet people because we're like we meet so many people on the road right and i do feel like i meet so many people i'm like this is a good person this is like i can tell that decent human being like so many people on the road. Right. And I do feel like I meet so many people. I'm like, this is a good person.

I can tell that decent human being. So many people I met after the shows in Utah, I'm like, these are calm, kind of humble, kind people. Yeah. And then you see people on social media and you're like, where the fuck did that go? I know. I know. Social media is like when someone does a line and a couple of whiskeys.

You're like, this should not be what you're putting out there. But the bad shit gets the likes of the bad. So people kind of like whether you like it or not, it's almost like you get fed when you behave badly. Yes, yes. I mean, look at the headlines like stop Asian hate is the hashtag. So like the news will only show asian people getting beat up but like a bunch of people get beat up my friend's a cop he'll be like oh yeah a bunch of people got beat up that day but they show the asian one just because it's a hashtag you're like i don't know

if that's that's not good well they go with whatever the stories of they go with the headline i mean shit man there's like if if you're outraged about it that's what they're running that week because that's the news now it used to be the news and now it's literally like this will get the clicks yep yep like look at every new york post tweet you're like this every single one of these is shameless clickbait yes of course like i saw the one the other day and it was like ben we meet the real benifer like why this is more yeah forget the forget the old benefit i'm like i'm trying to forget but you fucking post it every day right and that's the irony is they want bad

shit to happen like you actually you hate bad shit but you actually love it it's it's like when uh bill burr does the grammys and everybody's like bill burr's a racist and then people go well actually his wife's black and they go whatever like what do you mean whatever i thought you hated racism there's you were wrong whatever happened to someone just not being your type of person wow that too but it's like why can't be like yeah i love bill burr but maybe something maybe he's not for some people and that's okay but like why do you have to jump to fucking racist i don't get that because they they but the irony is they want it to be racist but it's all good in the end because it's all just clicks for bill and it's all just i guess i mean look it's annoying but at the end of the day like this is more fans are finding bill burr i hope so but that yeah i read every one of those

fucking things because i'm a psycho and you are a psycho something's wrong with you to read this i read all because i want to know where people's heads at and i'm like this is crazy like you really think he's a racist then then they show pictures of his wife and he's like they're like ah who cares about that he could still be right you're like jesus what is wrong with you psychos but but it's like kind of like are you are you battling real hate are you battling real intolerance or are you just sitting behind a keyboard yeah and stirring shit up yeah twitter is like a stock market for fake activism. Oh, Asian hate's up this week. Let's go with that. They're all looking at a big screen.

Stop Asian hate. Let's go. Let's move. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about the clits getting cut off? Ah, that's old. That's out. Go with the Asian, you know. They're in a room. Some guy takes them to lunch. He has a martini. We get a lot of Asian hate tweets going, ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. I get asian tweets before dinner workout at 6 a.m not everyone's gonna get that but if you got it that was dead on you know you haven't seen wolver wall street come on i love it give me a joke all right oh man i uh i feel bad because i i this sounds cunty but i've gotten a bunch of jokes from this show to work so i don't want to do one that works same no dude i i feel like i feel the same way and i do get the compliment from people after the show sometimes like it's cool to hear you and mark say that and then see the work so exactly i'm glad that's kind of the point of the show so i'm glad that totally point of that segment at least all right all right so uh this is a joke i'm working on

about uh it's actually about similar to twitter so it's kind of in the same vein but one of the cool things about animals is first of all they can't tweet and animals have horrible lives and they never bring it up like if animals could tweet it would put all our bullshit in perspective wow you know like uh you know if a zebra in africa was like uh you know uh finally found water haven't haven't had water in a week and then a croc i'll eat my only child fml you know do you got to do some line i don't know if you already do this but some line about our children are in cages hashtag chickens or something oh that's good that's good i like that and then i got i have this whole thing about how we don't realize but one of the best

qualities of animals they don't bitch they don't complain like you watch planet earth some zebras running away from four lines they bite him on ass. They pull him down by his neck. And then he kicks one of the – he manages to get away and that's just it. There's no blog. There's no press conference app. There's no scene of the zebra going, well, that was a fucking hate crime. Jesus Christ. Did you see that?

It's because I'm interracial, you know. So that's – Is that it? That hits. Yeah, yeah. I like too. It's like my flight gets delayed 30 minutes. I'm like hashtag

fuck delta exactly exactly meanwhile these people like watch their families dies and they're like tomorrow will be better i don't know right yeah they're just trying to survive they're trying to get through it and there's zero obviously they can't talk but there's zero like remorse i mean you just you just move on with your life. There's something about having to survive. We create these lists like status system. You're on your flight. You're annoyed you don't get upgraded, right?

That doesn't exist in the animal world. No. It's just fucking sink or swim. Yeah. And there's something like very, you're going to be less depressed when your life is that simple probably completely completely and us complaining is a privilege we don't realize it like we have yelp we have segments on this show bait we yes we complain and it's funny it's like it's therapeutic like i i complain on this show and i'm like i feel better yeah yeah yeah and they can't do that

animals actually yelp they yelp for help like they're like you know and we tried that no i just thought of that we have a site called yelp we're like it's drafty in here you know don't come to this restaurant three stars the enchiladas were only okay yeah their yelp is i i lost my leg right exactly and they they press on so i lost my leg two and a half stars i like the the kids in cages chickens and k that was something because it's like we complain about kids in cages but it's like they're literally in cages because they're about to die right right yeah like we're shooting on hotels they're literally like, did you not like a Holiday Inn? I was in a slaughterhouse. Yes, that's great. There was a pube in the shower.

Animals like, I eat fur, carcasses, whatever it takes. We were in the hotel and DeVito said to me, he's like, man, there's dogs in this hotel. I change rooms because I think I have fleas. Whoa, damn. I was like, fleas? we're in a fucking hotel with fleas jesus fleabag motel fucking fleabag that's hilarious i've had fleas before i'm like who are you i've had fleas you had fleas well my dog had fleas as a kid then i got fleas and it's a nightmare yeah it didn't sound good no i think i'm good bed bugs is still worse bed bugs is fucking that is like nom vet shit you're up at 3 a.m like they're coming after me you know you're having like

like flashbacks and night terrors i love it all right we gotta wrap this up we're gonna wrap it up we're going along uh albany funny bone this weekend man friday saturday atlantic city tampa uh side splitters raleigh a lot of great shit coming to Raleigh, North Carolina. SamRail.com slash shows. Oh, that's a good site. I've never heard that. I've never heard live or comedy, but shows is good. Yeah, man.

Virginia Beach Funny Bone. Never been. You ever done that one? I haven't. Everyone thinks that my stew story is for Virginia Beach. I changed the city for the joke but it's it's a similar city okay I've never been to Virginia Beach yeah I'm coming with fat Chris Al uh that should be fun Orlando Florida let's sell that puppy out San Antonio helium

those breakfast tacos man oh yeah love it love it Antonio's got some fucking great Mexican food. Great Mexican food. Great Alamo. Portland Helium. Funny Bone Syracuse. Oh, that's going to hurt. Toledo Funny Bone. Houston Improv. Philly. Buffalo.

Dayton. So, yeah, the calendar is full. I got like Nashville and Zany's coming up. Oh, you got to go to that. That's a hot. That's one of the fun clubs. Tell Lucy I said hello. A lot of great's coming up. Oh, you got to go to that. That's a hot. That's one of the fun clubs. Tell Lucy I said hello. A lot of great clubs coming up.

I forgot anything. All right. I feel bad. Matt's going to get divorced if we don't wrap this thing up. Oklahoma City coming up in July. Madison. Great. What are you doing, Madison?

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