We Might Be Drunk - Ep 251: Dan Soder & Greg Stone

Episode Date: September 29, 2025

Dan Soder and Greg Stone stop by for a wild one. The guys cover everything from steroid-Jesus theories and New York’s rat NBA to dissecting cats in high school, Mad Magazine nostalgia, Castro assassination plots, and lemon party memories. Plus, hangover cures that don’t work, landlord grudges, and why chest hair is making a comeback. Sponsored by: 👕 Your new fall wardrobe awaits. Free shipping and 365-day returns:https://www.quince.com/DRUNK 🧠 If you’re struggling with OCD or unrelenting intrusive thoughts, NOCD can help. Book a free 15-minute call:https://www.learn.nocd.com/DRUNK 🎧 Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD 🛒 Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ 🎬 Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets ⸻ Produced by Gotham Production Studios: https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com @GothamProductionStudios | Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #DanSoder #GregStone #MarkNormand #SamMorril #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #BodegaCatWhiskey

Hey, congratulations on 250 episodes, everybody. That's why me and my friend Kumail Nanjani came by. I've shrunken him. Man, he's hot now. It's crazy. He's so hot. That jaw. I know.

That jaw is so. It feels like he had worked. Oh. The guy with hair tits. I can't be far. You think he got? I think it might be just the juice, dude. That might be the roids.

It's sucking. The testosterone makes your job. It did. Jesus Christ. The juice is loose. The juice. Everyone knows that. No juice in the building.

Christ was on anabolic steroids, and that's why it looks so good. That's why it's all shredded. That's why it's 4% body fat. Ted Alexandra. Classic. Classic Ted joke. Oh, yeah. Because Jesus needs his own workout video, Body of Christ.

Oh, yeah. That's what you want out of a savior, because have you seen Buddha? Sloppy. Vintage Ted Tim's a man I love Ted Tim well what a fucking shitty What a stoner thing

Yeah my friend Marty He's like his name is Marvin You're like fuck Ted Alexandria Onganderer fucking rules Astoria legend I think he was there before Everyone else

I think he was like that One of the OG Astoria people Oh that's right He grew up in the story That's why He's a queen's guy He's born and raised Yeah

So he was actually living at home And now he's in the woods Is he? That's the way to go Good for him. I bet he's got a great beard. Woods is either, I made it. I'm living in like a giant cabot on the, on the, on the, on the lake, or Ted Kaczynski.

It's the ultimate happiness or the ultimate sadness. Yes, there's nothing to the middle. You're either like, I'm content or the world must pay. Yeah. I need nothing from the world or I have a manifesto. Yeah. I need to put my thumbprint on the world. Yeah, yeah.

And make, I mean, Kazinski had some good points. Oh, smart guy. He really, he's a very smart guy. Genius. He wasn't right. He read his shit and you go. He kind of called technology taking over every single thing we do. That's true.

And that's what sucks. Got turned in by his own brother. That's that sucks. His brother. His brother did it? What was his brother's name? Like Mike Kaczynski? Yeah, what was his brother?

Ted Kaczynski. David Kaczynski. Oh, the nerd. The nerd of a fucking narc. Snitch. Are they grown up in Chicago? Kisnicki. I know you guys aren't going to believe this, but my brother, Ted, is in the wood.

blowing up he's sending bangs the professor I sell car parts there's a story Ted Kaczynski trying to impress a girl and he gives her

this like little when they're in high school he gave her some he could look this up some little type of thing that like exploded to like show off to her and it's like

yeah that's not how you get pussy dude I don't know my point is it didn't work for him or he wouldn't have been the Unabomber I'm just saying

yeah that is true he was getting pussy if he was I mean imagine if it was though imagine if that's why he went down the Unabomber thing

is because he was getting so much pussy for big dude i don't know dude i send a bomb in the mail next thing you know i'm getting sucked off she's like can you use the vibrators like i don't trust technology they're in there i'll make my own yeah yeah look at that right do you have a lawnmower and a dildo look at this as a child he once played a prank on a female classmate involving a harmless exploding device

which they both found amusing i don't know if that's true though all right which they both found that's her half her face is missing she goes i cut it was a quavit By the way, can we look at that... Can we look into that as a red flag for a potential fucking hazard later in life? No, no, no. A child making explosives? What happened of flowers?

It's kind of like when a cat leaves a mouse at your door. Oh. Oh, this is bad, but also... You could be dangerous. Yeah. But you could be very... I can't let you in the house. You're very, very dangerous.

They kill mice for fun. It's not even like a eating thing. They just want to knock them around. Yeah, evil. My dad's roommate's cat would bring musk rats from the lake. How big are we talking? Very big. Like the size of the cat.

It would be like if I killed a man and brought it to Katie and it was like, You know I had a rat, right? He brought Veter. It's about that size. I killed Veter and put it down to my front door. You said you what? You know what had a fucking rat. You had a rat in your house?

Or in your fucking crew? Who ratted on you? Who was the fucking rat? It was DeVito. I know it. That's gung- Son of a bitch What the fuck is it?

I'm finding it. In your apartment? Yeah, dude. Dude, no way. We did the whole fucking episode. Nope. Do you wait until you see the size of this fucker? It's plump.

They're so big. Yeah. Rats. He's leaving the droppings. Oh, they just have size. I know. I'll walk my dog and one will go by and murder will be like, I'm going to kill that.

You know, I don't want you to get involved with that. You don't want to fuck with a rat. Yeah, city rat. I'm sending it to you, Peters. Well, you know, you go to Denmark and you're like, everybody's tall here. That's what the rats are like in New York. Yeah. If there was a rat NBA, they'd be being recruited out of New York.

This is it. If you want a good lineman, you go to Ohio or like Nebraska. You want a big rat? You go to New York City. That's true. San Francisco? I bet's got some big rats. Yeah.

Big gay rat community. It's like, oh, the rat houses, the bat bath houses. Castro, he's a Castro rat. He goes to be just spread viruses by smearing our shit. That's in your house. Had two fucking exterminators come by with hockey sticks. Got him. Beat his ass to death.

That's true. True story. They come by with hockey sticks. You see Blackie's with hockey sticks. Watch out. Yeah. They're not in the Ottawa senators, all right? Anyway.

That's how they did it? They should. I had two guys come before. The third guy comes with hockey sticks. I've told this. What are they, Hanson brothers? I know. That's what I said.

That's my favorite. seen in fucking slap shot. The Hansen brothers come in and just start beating the shit out of everyone. That would be a funny way though if you hired like Hansen brother exterminators and they're all wearing Chiefs jerseys. You're right.

Hockey jersey and they come with like funny glasses and then they go, well, we beat the rats to death. Yeah. The hockey stick. When the guy in the movie goes, these kids are a fucking disgrace. It's great. I watched that movie on like a UPN

on like a Sunday morning when I was like nine and I was like, this movie. It was just, it was one. One of those movies where you watch on cable and you go, I can't turn the movie off. Yeah, Paul Newman, obviously, making me go there. Yeah. Love a down and out sports movie.

Yep. But you're right. Minor league sports is something special because it's pure love of the game. They love toys. They were like child-brained. Yeah, yeah. And it had grit to it. The movie was nasty.

Yeah. They beat the shit out of people. But they showed it. I leave the house, though, because I was going, I do Joel Ocowski's basketball game on Sundays. Yeah. And I go out. New York Times Joel. Yeah, dude.

But I go out, but I, uh, he goes, I got it. He sends me that. picture of the dead rat within fucking 10, 15 minutes. And I wrote, you found him dead and he wrote, I made him dead. Oh, that's cool. And then, and then, uh,

that's like a Liam Neeson line. It's pretty fucking badass. I was pretty fucking playing. Banging Pamela. Yeah, good for him. I know. Good for her. Seems happy.

Also, giant dick. Huge hog. So you know. So Tommy Lee's got nothing to stand on anymore. Oh, I can stand on one. He goes, yeah, on it. Tripod. He can balance on it.

Yeah, he's got a kickstand. But it is if you're Liam Neesonon and you run into him, to go, the only man who could have a larger cock than you is me. In her older age, she's not as stretchy, but she knows how to make it work. And she's taking it.

Yeah, she loves it. It makes me very happy. That's a two Viagra dick probably. That's 73. You need an extra boost to get it up. 73, I think, though, but him in new love, since his wife died?

Oh, yeah. Tragic. Tragic. Dead wife fucking. Apparently, you know, he, like, swore it off. He, like, swore it off. He was, like, swore it off.

for like 12 or 16 years like every he swore off I think pretty publicly ever being in a relationship again yeah and then Pam Anderson and her

and by the way since her documentary has came out since she's embraced being who she is I love it I dated someone who banged him and really

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I didn't ask about the dick because we all know the co-star of Rob Roy when he took her on that rock

Beth Stelling fucked him oh my god that's crazy no but all the bits yeah So now when I watch Schindler's list, I'm even sadder. So we go. For just five more Jews, I could have not fucked.

I could have not fucked Sam's ex-parry. Are you dating Samaril? But she told me they met on a flight, and, yeah, they went on three days. She said he was a lovely guy. And that sucks. Is he, was Scottish or Irish? He's Irish. I believe he's Irish.

I think he don't want him to kill. Big Rangers fan. He said a lot of the Rangers games. That's awesome. He just all around seems awesome. 73 years old, born in 52, and he is so good at naked gun too. He's from Ireland. He's from Northern Ireland, where the troubles were. Oh, the troubles.

I saw on an interview, he was not pleased with how they killed him off in Star Wars. Oh. He was like, I'm a Jedi. It's a weak death. I keep talking about this. My thing that I watch on the road are like YouTube videos of movies, what they were supposed to be, or why. they didn't get made is just that's my algorithm oh yeah and so I love it and so there was a thing about quigon gin originally I'm sorry if you've seen me say this on another podcast because I just

set it on another one I can't remember what but originally quigon gin was you and mcgregor and obi won was Liam neason oh shit and the whole point is Liam neason's character gets obiwan gets killed and then quigone takes the oban name to then try as like um umage because oboe one was like the great teacher and you know what I mean so he's like I'll become Obi-Wan now. This is like Madman Don Draper Dick Whitman shit right here. Exactly. But that's how they had it and then they changed it

but originally it was Ewan McGregor was Quigong Jen and then at the end of the movie he becomes Obi-Wan in like this big scene where he's like I'll be Obi-Wan. But then it would be like confusing if you're like which one's Obi-1 like what's the real one they said that's why in Star Wars a new hope there's the first one

in the very first Star Wars there's a moment where they say Obi-Wan Kenobi and he goes That's a name I haven't heard in a very long time And it was supposed to be a reference to The thought that he wasn't really Obi-Wan He was Quigonged Jim This is why you can't judge a book You see this 6-4 guy walking down

Third Avenue with that voice He knows Quigon You guys want to talk episode one You know, Jojo Binks really got a bad rap What do you think about it By the way, our next liquor Quigon Gin Oh yeah

That's perfect If you think George Lucas won't get up your asshole about that? That's true. He's very litigious that bearded cunt. Yeah, he's gonna fuck your guys and shit.

Oh, yeah. A little seasoned assist action. He'll think it's at the Jar Jar Jar Bank. Yeah, dude, he will. Yeah, you guys will get quite, oh, look at that. But it was still fun.

Damn it. Did someone actually make it? No. Oh, just show Photoshop. Yeah, yeah. Quigon. All right, shit. Yeah, you don't want to get

in the Star Wars fucking merch game. No. No, no. I do have all the toys, though. I collected every figure, the 70s figures. Wow. You have the old, like the original ones.

Yeah, even during Katrina, they were untouched. I was lucky our basement got flooded, but somehow the Star Wars, they're in a giant Darth Vader flip-out thing, you know, with a little, little, uh. Those are ones that you could probably, I didn't know you, I didn't know you, uh, action figure guy. I was a big action figure guy. Me too. Oh, really? I was like wrestling figures.

That's it. I have that. That's the Darth Vader thing. And it's all full. I remember one of my friends having that. Yeah, it was big. I was an action figure guy, and, you know, we got a buddy that's joining us, but we got a buddy that's a huge action figure guy

but I was too late I did it too late that was the smoking cigarettes thing I loved them I just loved they're fun figures I loved getting a new figure I loved like anxiety too

I think you want something in your hands it is the same reason you smoke it really is you just graduate to it what were your guys' figures mine were ninja turtles wrestling and X-Men I was I was wrestling

I was all about wrestling I would say if I'm if I'm ranking them it went wrestling X-Men turtles But I was real big into the turtles The turtles ones were great Because they got the squishy head

The non-squish head You got the toys, the side The nunchucks were all great With the weapons They also had My dad bought me the van I had all the Hasbro I mean dude I had a ring

Full of those guys Yeah Everyone that's pictured I had Damn Including the natural disasters Typhoon and earthquake down there I was a DC guy I have all the Aquaman

The Flash Batman Superman Wonder Woman Do you remember the original Super Friends toys Yes I have those With, like, the cloth capes? Yes, I have. They had a little metallic.

Yeah, the ring around their neck for the cape. Those were my favorite. It was the original Justice League ones from the 80s. There it is right there. That's it, baby. See that. The Batman is from the movie. But the superheroes one right there to the left, those are like, oh, gee.

That was my childhood. Yeah, same. Same. That is my childhood. I love the primary colors. Yeah, DC through and through. Love Batman. Really?

That's rare. Robin was a fucking little twink. Look at it. Oh, yeah. Batman's on the side. Look at the legs. What are we doing here? The Batman right there is actually, that's from the original movie.

The movie, yeah, with Michael Hayden. And my dad, one of the only good things he ever did, that's Bob. Oh, yeah. Which was a reference that Joe List and I made for 20 years doing stand-up where we'd be going on stage. I go, Bob, you're my number one man. We do that all the time. But my dad, we went to a toy store when I was spending a weekend with my dad when he still lived in Denver. and he bought me Bob and the Joker

and I was like I want Batman and he's like buddy they're out of Batman and I was like it was one of those lessons where like I'll just be grateful that I got Bob and the Joker got two for one and then we went and got in his car he hid the Batman oh shit

one of the best one of the best reviews I mean the only good thing he ever did arguably the only good thing he ever did damn but that's a great nice little sneaking a toy on a kid it's pretty sick I just sent my cousin's daughter a switch too out of nowhere

damn better than sneak it digit. Yeah. But, yeah, where does it get those wonderful toys?

Oh, that's great. Have a stretch armstrong. That was a fucking good one. That was great to destroy. Yeah. See if you could break it with your friends.

That's true. I ate the inside once. What? Big mistake. I tasted it. You caught it open and ate that like blood of the blood of stretch? Too curious.

How about creepy crawlers? Oh. Remember Gack? Oh, Gack. Gack was just cold comb. That had a moment. It just got you to learn out of a deal with your cum.

It was prepping us for cum. Just like cum. I'd throw it on a girl You go on Hey on your tits Then I'd say sorry And get a wash cloth If she liked it

You're like that you're like Oh fuck Apologize Five minutes later You want to throw it back on her Yeah yeah Oh fuck Oh yeah

Gack was a fun Because you could do this With your thumb And it go Yes Yes It was prep for a vagina Yeah

It was good Listen they were getting you ready Yeah Oh yeah They were grooming Nickelodeon Oh they were Yeah

In all the ways Yeah that was a good It was so fun And then did your fucking middle school science class? Do you ever make your own gack? No. In chemistry? No, no.

You did that one here. Really? We were going to make your own gack. And everyone was like, oh, shit. And I was like, I've been making my own gack at night in my bedroom. I'm going to make my own gack to a couple rolling stone pictures of Britney Spears. What's the worst thing you dissected? We had the frog and the pig.

I never had a pig. Yeah. We did the frog. That's all we did. It was so funny. We did like a feral cat. What? Oh, he's a New Yorker.

It was fucked up. It's why you didn't do a pigeon. That's the most New Yorker shit I've ever heard. It was awful. Hey, this stinks, been on my fire escape for a month. We're going to see how its lungs work. Next week, we'll do a Puerto Rican. I'm going to bring the guy from the Moldega.

Was it still alive? He just snagged it. He goes, you guys ready for science? He just pulls it out. Takes a hockey stick. Shut up. That's a cat. It was like a fair

It was like a really gross Did they warn you? Did they skin it? It's too furry The fur would fuck with me It was really gross I wonder if they're warning you Because kids have cats as pets

I hated it Exactly I remember we had a project This teacher and she We had to like solve it using DNA And we all got our separate ones And I realized I was like

This was right when I realized I could cheat I googled the story That she created That I had to solve using DNA And I just found the ending online and I completely cheated but I was like

and that's how I had to make up I couldn't figure out the DNA so I just had to make up the thing for the whole class and she gave me a dirty look she knew it didn't add up she knew but she couldn't call me on it because I could call it for plagiarizing

she's like the prosecutor and like the dirty cop and she goes I know you want this case in the black but god damn it but she couldn't call me on it because I could have called her out for plagiarizing being lazy so I got the fucking A

that's really funny but I plagiarized it's really awesome to think that they put all these kids in the position of murder police. Yeah, right? I pulled a Columbo, I turned back.

There's one thing that bothered me about that DNA. Miss G. One more thing. When you came in, you said we had the song, but you don't have Google. Columbo, your teacher's so funny. And anything with DNA is already weird. Yeah. We found Gack in the anal cavity.

That was that old, that was that old Chappelle joke on his HBO half hour, where he's like, I don't know if I could ever leave my DNA around a crime. And he does the whole thing. He's like, hold on, one last thing. I've got to jerk off. Yeah, yeah. Because your DNA is like, how they get it, it's either blood or come. And that was always weird about law and order, SvU, because it was like, you can't curse, you can't show anything.

But you were like, there's semen all over this woman's bundle. Yeah, there's semen everywhere. That's the joke is. It is weird to make a clean show about sexual assault. TV-friendly, about rape? Yeah. That pitch, Dick Wolf goes, you guys probably think this is going to sound crazy. We put rape on TV.

Right. They go, what do you mean rape? He goes, I mean, kid rape, adult rape, all of it. Yeah. You sodomize him with a pine cone. You sick fuck. No, you can't say fuck. No, no, no, can't do that.

Can I say a sick asshole? No, it's not past the watershed moment. And we're going to bring a rapper and a comedian to be in it. A former pimp. Bells and Richard Belzer. A guy who said cop killer is now a cop. Yeah. He's old.

Belzer. Belzer, yeah, the crowd worker. The original crowd worker. Man, that moment was Stan Hope. Oh, pull that up. He goes, what's the guy. this merch? What's this merch? And stand-up goes, I bought your book.

Yes. One of the best episodes. That show was great. It depended on the panel, but when they got the right panel. Oh, with Patrice. That was a great one. The Patrice one. Burr had one. He was yelling at Liz Winstead back and forth. Stano wasn't even supposed to be on there. Look at it. Yeah, he looks real rough. He had long hair.

He looks young as shit. He looks healthy. He does. God, this was great. This was like no refunds, Stan Ope. Yeah, the prime. I've seen every one of these. They're all online now. Yeah, Doug was a bucket list.

Oh, Glenn Wool. Shout out Glenn Wool. Glenn Wool's a good egg. This was great, too, because Belzer was trying to hold court and be like the wise guy. Yeah. And they all, you can't fuck with Atel. Attel just dominated him with so many zingers. Yeah.

Attel just jumps in it all the right times. But, yeah, this is great. I love it. Look how bored he is. Is Intel is just thinking of jokes? You can tell you wants to smoke? Yeah, he probably, I think he does eventually. I'm wrong.

Was he still drinking then? No. Okay. This is right when he got some. Oh, it's up, dude. Yeah, how do we wait? We missed the action figure talk with Stone. Don't worry.

We can get back into it. We got Kumail Nanjani. You got anything in the bag? I bet you carry one around, don't you? You don't carry? You've changed. Get in there. Come on in, dude.

Take a seat. Come on it. Oh, you brought your weird cookie. Now we've got to watch you eat it. Yeah, you got to watch. The fans must watch you feast. Hey, you doing, dude. Hey, what's up, buddy?

No, this is great. I heard Dan, I heard you from a mile away. Down on the street. Like a fog ward. Oh, man, let me see that camille. I almost bought it just because it was him. Yeah, you should. But this is the worst selling Marvel Legend line, like of all time.

Is that right? Every week, our female listenership just keeps dropped. I know. The vaginas are drying. If you think your Pussies are dry, give us two more minutes. Yeah.

Because we're going to talk. Action figure sales. I was going to make a custom camille, put him in his old, you know, his old, open mic gear. Yeah,

you should. I can just melt this up here. Who do you got? No, you should put him in what he wore at cabin. Exactly, yeah, right?

You should have returning from Montreal Camale where we all sat around him and he told us about how he was going to buy a TV with his development deal. That was a real thing. The last development deal ever.

Yeah, we sat outside on Second Avenue. smoking cigarettes, I was smoking cigarettes, and he was like telling everyone in the circle, like, yeah, they gave me a check for $100,000, and I'm going to buy a TV, and we're all like, oh, oh, it's really there. They're still going on them heels. And then by the time we went, yeah. They go, like, paradigm might sign you.

I'm like, is that still an agency? Yeah, right? I don't know, maybe we can give, we might be able to go haves these on a breakfast at explanation with you. Real place. Expectation. Expectation. Explanation's even sad.

We're not even going to the wrong next. We don't have eggs. That's part of the explanation. We're out of eggs. Just toast. Lower your egg expectations. There's what it's happening in Montreal. Dude, I remember I was drinking so much during Montreal that I met with a management company in the morning.

And I was so hung over that I needed to drink. And I was like, fuck. And I went to explanation or what? Expectation. Explanation should be the abortion. That's the name of the breakfast spot in Montreal. Next to the hill, the high end. Now it's called Exceptional.

They changed it? Yeah, maybe. Oh, new management. Exceptional eggs all the time. But I went in and they were serving booze. And I got a beer and a shot at like 11 a.m. And I just remember the girl from the management company. Well, this is fun.

I'll do a bloody Mary. And I'm over a little months for survival. Yeah, right. Trying to get out of a hole right now. Yeah, you should have an existential crisis. Yeah, there it is. It is. That was bad.

I was so hung over during that meeting. Mark and I were going to, we went to Montreal this. year we were just getting fucking hang i remember we were not around a lot of open bars at that time they were like the smart career oriented comics there who were just like you have one and market i were just like I blacked out and I was asking

just like people who worked at showtime I was like why don't you guys buy the wire I don't know I remember walking up to Josh Rabinowitz I love Josh and I'm hammering I go up to Josh and I go hey Josh this is you with the industry and he goes this is the head

of NBC radio I was like oh sorry Nice to meet you. I'm not good at this. Remember talking to agents just so they would buy your drinks? You're like, oh, yeah. I love a wing night. As you're stabbing your drink. Yeah.

Oh, I could probably go out there. I'm going on. Yeah, exactly. I remember I did JFL Chicago, and I was blackout. I was blackout at Up Comedy Club. Oh, yeah. And I went to go there, and T.J. Miller was in the green room. And T.J. Miller goes, you should probably take it easy.

Wow. In that moment. In that moment. In that moment. I swear to God in that moment. Oh my God. I might have been. And then we went to the party after and I was like blackout drunk.

This was so embarrassing. You would double fist. Yeah. I'd do a shot in a beer. Jamie Massada from the laugh factory was like holding cord or whatever and he just like was like doing that to me because I was standing with someone that worked at the laugh factory. And I was blackout drunk and I go, don't worry about me. I'm an esty guy. I only got a kiss up to her for spots.

And he, like, looked at me, and then I woke up the next day. I was like, why did I even say it? Oh, yeah. I woke up in a hotel of Chicago, like, why? And then I met, did T.J. Miller tell me to take it easy. Yeah. That was, like, one of the first thoughts I had the next morning at the wakeover. I was like, I think T.J.

Fuck, I should probably quit. Those festivals got worse and worse. I remember Montreal, the big deal was, like, back in the day, Kumel guys like that signed development deals for six figures, seven figures, whatever. I mean, it probably high six at that point. Yeah. But I signed with an agent. And then to let you know how low in the totem pole I was,

this guy, like, came into, like, the big guy there, came into, like, close. And then I was like, oh, what happened to Fred? And they're like, oh, he quit. So the guy, I was like, I got an agent to, like, he quit, like, two weeks later. And didn't even tell me. He said he couldn't do it anymore and that the business is dying. You go, just sign it.

Yeah. He was, like, their big guy. And I was like, oh, I guess I just don't have an agent again. Right. I just took me a while to get to Montreal. And now Montreal is over, but it's back. We're doing Long Island this Saturday. Me and you.

baby we're going to Belmore we're going into the fucking page we're not going to make it out of that no they're going to be surrounded on all sides that's when they sit next to you on stage what's that one called again Brokridge Brokridge yeah but they literally are on stage they are yeah

where a guy can just go hey and you're like stop yeah that's crowdwork with real hands-on crowdwork I think it has one of those stripper shelves around you you know those little like tables yeah it has one of those like drinks yeah yeah I do like that room though it's a great it's like a fun tiny little room.

Yeah. But there's no green room. So we're going to be sitting in your car. Oh, yeah. They're ready for a car hang. Bring a couple toys. Dude, that would be awesome.

Bring your figures. We'll just have a whole world. I have one for you. I keep forgetting. Yes. I'm sorry. I'm saying about like, there they are.

Oh. Weird. They refund their tink. Look at these fucking homos playing with toys in the car. And then you go on stage. You go, I'm going to tell you like it is. Right. It's the seconds earlier.

You're like. Yeah, I haven't been there until he tried to fuck me over on money during COVID, I think. Did he give you a knot? He gives you a nod of money. A nod, no. Yeah. Where you go like this, where he puts in your hand and I'm always just too giant of a pussy to go, well, I mean, like, I need to have paperwork for this. When you're that big of a dork, when he goes, hey, good job tonight.

And you go, I just need to check with the government. Right. This is young James, though. How do you fuck? James is like the sweetest. I think the brokerage is young James. Oh, that's the son. His son.

He's like one of the best people ever. I love him. He's a huge comedy fan. Yeah, yeah. How did they fuck you over, Sam? It was just COVID shit. It was just him being like, oh, no, people canceled. And I'm like, well, you resell it sold out.

You resell the tickets. Yeah. But he was like honoring like day of cancels. I'm like, I can't. Wait, so he was not paying you because people canceled. He claims. I don't fucking know. Yeah, that's.

But it was shady. I was like, but it's sold out. Man, COVID was a real time to watch club owners learn how to scramble to fuck you. Oh, totally. I can't. But I was like, I'm good for here forever. Oh, you know, you ever done McGuire? Yes.

Even further out. Yeah, yeah. It's a where I knew that Gary Veter had the gift. Because I had worked McGuire's before, and it was horrible. It's like they're talking during your set. Yeah. And then Veter featured for me one weekend, and they listened. He, like, got them to be a great audience.

He's a Rockland County boy. Because they also, you have to listen, and he's got great jokes. Great jokes. So they would listen. They would shut up and listen, then he'd make them laugh. And then by the time I went up there, I was like, oh, they're like a real crowd. Oh, yeah. Wow.

It was great. Only him and Tim Dillon were the only two people I saw handle that room well. Interesting. Just go up there and be like, shut up. Yeah. Well, they're both Long Island. They're speaking of their fucking animals. Yeah, they can do their dialogue.

Yeah, exactly. So I got to get it. Nate had that. Remember you do the world and it'd be like a chatty tourist bunch of nut jobs. And then Nate would go, so I was out in the park, man. And they would go, what's up with this guy? But you're forgetting he's. used to bomb a lot

and he like gave himself to the darkness like I was at the show where he was just fell back and he goes I'm just gonna keep talking yeah and then like after that

every time he was like better and better at winning him over yes that room suck you ever seen that movie a bone collector

with Denzel yeah that scene with a bad guy Denzel is just like on the ground paralyzed and he's just like talking to himself and he's like

wait what and he leans in and he just bites him in the neck yeah that's that you're doing that with jokes right yeah

yeah I saw a Dave David Tell open at Stand Up New York Was Dave Atel got the opening opening What was like, I don't know, maybe it was a guy before him, I don't remember But he was first very early the show Get some wild fucking screaming Yeah, screaming Then I saw Ted go on right after him

And we're just talking about Ted And he brought him down Like they were fucking animals And he was like And then I watched him kill on his And I went, that's a comic Yeah Ted's like a Jedi

because he would go up and go Packery Heineken I like it I like it And then they were listening He was just like a teacher He had you in the palm

You know that port That you can look through At East 4th Yes Yeah I remember when it was Eastful watching Ted Just like calmly

That with like a rowdy crowd You're like He could take a nap up there Yeah And he'd be like He would slink Across the stage He just put out a best of album

I did all this old stuff That I love that It's awesome Check out of He's a killer He's a guy He's one of the few guys With two presents

Yeah He did two Doroza No I think he was banging One of the Yeah Todd And I think

Topolo maybe Depaolo's got two Yeah Geraldo Wow Giroldo Yeah Yeah

He had two Comedy Central hours I don't think He definitely did two halves Yeah Oh he did Yeah Yeah

Damn dude ComedySrell presents Here's my thing With nostalgia And stuff Where's that Comedy Central Be smart

Right Go like hey It's on Paramount Plus, probably. Yeah, but like push that. But be like, hey, we're going to bring it back. Like, try to compete. Be like, hey, we're going to bring back a fucking Comedy Central Presents.

And then everyone would get wild about it. Yeah. We're on YouTube. No one gives a shit but us. I know. No one cares. I know, but this Dane Cook. There's all these, like, old, you know, killers, like, who are famous now.

Oh, the Nick Swartzon? Swartz was so good. That was a great one. I just get mad you. I kind of can't find them ever. No. Just watch them. Regan.

Regan. I think Sam's right. I think they're all on Paramount Plus. Check it out there, Peters. Oh, look at that. Where are you? Oh, Paramount Plus. Look at Mark Merrin.

Wow. Holy shit. Who is this? They got Lewis Black Youngwood. Headbird. Look at Fitzsimmons. Wow. Wow.

Look at Kevin Brennan. I think he did the first one. Oh, no. Season one. Juan de Sykes, I remember very well. It's a great one. They all stayed around. You look at like some of these half hours now,

those allow these comics came and went. These presents, they're like, there's most of these guys are all still here. Good point. How good you had to be to get one. Good point. Man, do you ever go to those tapings? No.

It were really fun. I watched Kurt Metzger and Tom Rhodes tape one. And then I watched, who else? When they used to do the elaborate sets, not these, not the half hours. When they had the elaborate sets, we never got those. I remember that. Our class didn't get that. We didn't get to pick what your theme was.

Got too pricey. I remember Burr had his was like sports. It was like a pinball. Like they all had, Patrice's was like. like a subway station. Yeah. Domarera had a deli. Yeah.

I remember. He went like one-man show with it. Yeah, yeah. But they did that. You could like go full one-man show and all the backdrop. And then by the time we all did it, they're like, you get your name.

Yeah. And we were still like, cool. Oh, yeah. That's awesome. But yeah, you're right. They took like, and you know what they did? It's the cheapening of the digital screen. Because instead of like building stuff,

they just go, put it on the screen. Yes, yes. It wasn't even, it was just projected. Yeah. Look at it out. Oh, we're all on Paramount Pro. Where's their check? Oh, I mean, I guarantee if you looked at that contract, they were like, we own this now.

Yeah, yeah. Here's your money. Oh, God. I didn't know I hate myself was a Comedy Central. It was Comedy Central YouTube. Yeah, yeah. That was the end of the kind of the last. Hey, Norma.

I got this photo. Hey, look you guys are next to each other. Yeah, that's fun. Oh, look at that, Sam. You're sandwiching Norman. Hey, finally. That's a Salukes photo. I got this.

Yeah. Oh, that's right. You know what they should have done? I got this and positive influence should have been switched and you would both look like you were looking at Mark eating suit. They really fucked up. Whoever does their layout, fucked up. That's at a diner in L.A. at 4 of the morning. Really?

Yeah, it was shit-faced. Good pick. Not bad. Marcus Price took that. Hey. Oh, yeah. That's great. Look at how young you are, dude.

That's only five years ago. I know. You've aged. We all have. We all have, yeah. There's a drop off. There is an age where you go, like, where it happens rapidly. Yeah.

We're like, I'll look at pictures of me. You posted that one from where you might be drunk of us, a cabin. And someone was like, oh my God, yeah. Soder looks way better. You go, it's 15 years ago. Yeah, right. Of course I look better. We all look so pale in that and so young.

And then fucking drunk. You can tell how drunk we all are. And Mark, I feel bad. I hate saying it. But now that you're the kid, in two years. You're going to look like this. That's the wear. This is it, man.

That's the wear until. As in white, it ages you fast. Yeah, it really does. There's like an old cabin picture. It's crazy. There it is. Oh, man. Hey, folks, we might be drunk.

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That's Q-U-I-N-C-E. dot com slash drunk free shipping and 365 day returns quince dot com slash drunk there it is look at oh wow back when jell used to drink neater looks worse i wonder if nate is bothered by this my big head is blocking sam yeah yeah blocking that knocking that oversized shitty jacket i used to wear oh my dude you got my leather look at my nick to paolo starter kit yeah the leather coat the attitude jacket do you think if nate was pissed why i wonder if this bothered him like hey come on guys i'm like A squeaky clean family man. It's not cross-like and you're like, it's fine.

Look at Conan on in the back. Remember when you'd watch people do Conan? Yes. That might have been this night and we might have been watching Che or something. Yeah, that was so fun. God, that bar was great. And that woman was so mean. So mean.

Remember her? She kicked Chee out. That's right. She couldn't do the show after a while because he got drunk and she was a fucking asshole. She was a coos. She kicked the door on me for having sex in the bathroom. I wasn't having sex in the bathroom. I was like just pissed.

And I was like, what the fuck lady? And she was like, no sex. She was like, I don't remember exactly how I was you in there with. I was by myself. And she was like, no, sex in that bathroom. I swear something. She made you look really cool. She opened the door and I was like, what do you do?

And I was like, that's not happening. And someone told me, I think they were like, yeah, she said that people were fucking in the bathroom. And that's why she kicked it in. It was weird. You were holding that action figure. Yeah. Also, you should have gone into it and left and got, sorry, I was fucking. Yeah.

I'm like, Greg Stone. I'm fucking public. Greg Stone. Fuck a lot. Louie looks like our creepy manager of the boy band He's like, look at my boys My boys are going to do so hot My hot boys

Damn, Liss was very drunk Oh, it's new cats, I couldn't tell who that was Yeah, Louis cats and then Lists leaning back I think I'm holding him Yeah, Louis looks like he's wearing the groucho face Like the glasses Damn dude, those I used to wait tables

The next morning The Mexican joint Yeah, and I would have to be at the cafe At 10 a.m. And I remember so many of those nights being outside with you guys until like four. Oh, yeah. And they'd be like, all right, all I need is four hours of sleep.

Yes. You're like, four hours is healthy. And then I'm young, you could do four hours. And I would, but it would be so painful. I'm fucking hung over right now. Are you really? Yeah, I'm feeling. How many?

Did you go out last night? Yeah. Big? Big enough. Date or? Well, it was a Monday? Come on. Was it a date or were you just?

I was with a buddy. Oh, boy. We just pulled up at a bar and. Yeah. And then it's hurting. You've got that. I don't feel great. I was there.

The other day, it's the worst. We're getting old. Do you have a way? Because here's the thing, I've been out of the game for 12 years. I've been away from it. Yeah. What do you do to, do you do the, do you do like, PD-a-light before you go to bed?

No. I do, I have like some powders. Yeah, I'll do it I can. You have elixers. None of that shit. It doesn't work. I try all of that shit. It doesn't work.

I've tried hangover be gone or whatever the fuck it's called. You never does it. What about the charcoal pills that the KGB? I'll admit. I've taken 20 of those. Those things. I used it once. but I think it was placebo.

It's all placebo. Because I used it and I woke up, but I was like 19. I was like, I'm fine. The only move is just pig out on like pizza, burger, or like late 90s. But then you feel shit for it. It's just choose your shit. I'd rather that shit because it's least not a headache.

You're not painful. You're just like, ugh. Yeah. You know? Yeah, but you just can't sleep. Sleep is the issue. And it fucks up your cycle. And I was trying to, my friend's staying with me for a couple weeks.

I was trying to get him late. We went out. Yeah. He met a girl. He did all right. But, uh, Oh, nice. But I was like, bring her back and fuck her on my couch.

I don't give a shit. I want to watch. I was trying to help. Yeah, I got a camera set up. I got a rig. I got a rig. I got a ride here. Honestly, if you're cool, then we can make some money.

Honestly, we can get enough money for you to stay at a hotel. So you're not in my house. You know what Instagram live is? We're going to go live. What's your follower account? So what happened? Did he get her, did he bring her back or did he? No, I think they were fooling around a little bit.

And then he's like, I'm going to do it tonight. And I was like, all right. Is that weird? Because, like, what are you going to do? You're going to take a walk? No, I got a door and shuts. I got a room in the back. Okay.

Yeah. It's not like in your living room. No, we're good. We're good. You're like, I was trying to watch the second episode of Alien Earth. But I guess you two slapping skin will be. I don't give a shit. He's my buddy.

That's great. Speaking of those early mornings, talking about the restaurant, I used to temp. And so. That's where you got the, I don't see color. I don't see color. Oh, yeah, that's true. I'm black. I don't know that.

I remember all your guys's bits. Yeah, that was a big bit for me. I'm, I think, my form of autism. I remember your bits. I remember your bits. Yeah, but I think that's what I love. Remember your bits. You would think this bad neighborhood?

I remember all of them. They got me out of waiting tables. That was that free bird. That bit fucking murdered. Yeah, that was like the first joke that I wrote that it really worked. We were like, and then I did it too many places. I did it on code. By the way, someone played a clip of it.

The voice I do for the black guy, not cool now. Pulling. I'm like, hey, man. I do some shit like that where I'm like, it's a different time. Do you say black guy in it? I go thug, which Republicans made real tough. Yeah, but there's a way, but you're saying black,

it could be a white thug who talks like that. Absolutely. There are white guys who grow up talking like that. It is New York. Yeah. But yeah, we don't have to watch it. No, no. It sucks.

It just trust me, it sucks. But it crushed, you crushed it. But that was like, that was all funny because that was at a time where we're all finding out our one bit, like our first hit single. Yeah, mine was janitor. Yeah, you're like, oh, janitor, it's crazy on the sign.

It's so funny. Dude, I remember you were the one that when you went through it with the rape joke. Oh, yeah. But really, what's funny about that is you were like pre-cancel culture in trouble. Right. And I remember how preposterous it was to me.

Me too. Because I read it and I go, well, it's missing half the joke. Yeah, that's a problem. Yeah. That's how they do it. That's the problem when they're trying to get you in trouble

with the joke and they only put the setup. Well, that's what's funny about all these like videos like comedy hate videos now because you can just take a little plit of like me on stage

going like and they're like is he losing his mind? Right. Dan Soters lost it and they show the thumbnail and you go I'm doing the eat ass act out

right right. They do it all day long. It's great. Whatever. It's fun. But just I just want one of those guys to admit

like okay thank God you did something weird because now I get paid they never thank us thank you very much for that weird clip it's just like I hate you

I hate you you're the worst you suck you're a hack and you're like yeah but you're well I got bits out of it too I got stuff out of it I mean I mean you have a great bit about on the last special about this whole

which is fun because it's almost like a continual yeah yeah you almost go you know if you're if you're a real guy you remember when the first one came out I don't know if non-comics remember that shit yeah but that's why that's us sucking each other off

That's our lemon party Yeah It was just being like I remember I remember you guys Fucking blowing each other Lemon party was the original Black guy huge dick

Yes Yeah We're going to say check out this link Yes exactly Three old men blowing each other Yeah I think the lemon party Was a little more fun

It was the most fun It was upbeat Because you go Ew But also funny It's not aggressive Because they're all old men

It's hopeful It's like one day I can Yeah You suck at another guy that's dick and a nursing lady? I can't wait. That's living. You can be old enough where you can blow your buddy,

and then he can blow your other buddy. Hey, we need a racial. Listen, that's teamwork. You know what, guys, in 30 years, let's meet right here. Read to the lemon party. That's all, dude. That's so fucking funny. So what are you up for softball later?

And you go, yeah. Let me see that photo one last time. Just for old time. Type in lemon party. com. See if it comes up still. Oh, it does. Absolutely

He checks once a week It's your home screen You gotta be over 18 Okay, we are By the way Going on the road with no porn thing Oh, it's just Wait, what do you mean

No porn on the road? Like you ever go? Right, yeah We go to states Where they're like Oh, Texas Louisiana I was just sitting in Virginia

I always download some for the trip It's like a movie on an iPad Yeah, for the airplane ride You try to use that imagination See if you still got it It's tough Old school, cold old school jerk? You feel like Doctor

Strange? You feel Amish. How did I do this? I tried to draw a picture? I don't think I was going to do it unplug this weekend. Yeah, right? No, you can't find it, huh? I guess it got scrubbed. It's weird. It's that's someone's grandpa. I think when they died, they were like, it's time to let it go. I guess so.

Hey! There she is. They cleaned it up. Oh, that's no good. Also, that was the first time I ever realized that old people can also be gay. Oh, yeah. He was like, I didn't know that. I didn't know that, but they just... And then you met Rick Cromb.

Yeah. And you're like, okay, all right. Lemon party, dude. It's so funny that it's like, those guys, those old men were like, well, no one will ever find out. No. Reginald's going to take a picture and it's just for us. Yeah.

You fool, they know us as the lemon party, man. He's got that pictures. He's bombing. Yeah, yeah, all right. I repeat, I repeat, you're under attack. from Imperial forces. He goes, I'm not going.

I got to kill. Them talking about World War II then blowing each other. Yeah. Mamun, we got home. Oh, man, I guess it's gone. I don't know if this is good or bad. This is sad.

I'm, like, bummed out. I thought it was dot org. Remember rotten.com? Did you guys ever go? Rotten. Yeah, I never. It was disturbing. It was very disturbing.

Too much. It was the original, or no, it was like, faces of death. Face of death. Do you know what the one was, the fucked up one was? Was banned from T.

TV. Faces of death was fake. I found that out from you, I think, like a week ago. Yeah. Faces of death was fake. I didn't know that. Banned from TV, the shit that was so fucked up. Videos of people just dying.

It's like they would show like people getting, but like you were watching at like your friend's basement when you were 12. Never the guy with the gun. No, no. Oh, that's real. That one's real. That was face of death. If you guys have a problem with any guns, that's, um, what's his name? He was like a senator or something.

Yeah, it was in Oregon. Why can't I think of his name? By the way, I see half of that shit on X. every day now. I mean, yeah, that's all. The internet's just rotten.com. Yeah, right. It used to be like kind of a novelty.

Now it's just my feed. Oh, man, who? I'm going to looking this up because this is bugging me. He was a old bald guy. He was in a suit. And the filter wrote the song, Hey man, nice shot about him.

Oh. Bud Dwyer. Bud Dwyer was the, yeah. He was the one that he takes out the gun. He goes, if anyone has a problem with a gun, you should get out of here. Yes. And it's fucking shoot himself.

And it's real? The Nogne's snail song. He got caught right there all the way. That's the clip. But Ben from TV or no, the filter song

Hey man, Night's Shown No, but the nighties nail song uses the gunshot as the beat. Whoa. It's like, da-d-d-d-D-D-D-S. Yeah, it's on a downward spiral.

Oh, man. We got to lock up. He might have been in the Lemon Party. Look at that. That's why I shot him so. The picture came out. You guys found out what I do with my friends? How'd you find me in Mr. Hashimoto?

That's how I feel every time I say the wrong name. Oh, fuck. Yeah. But band from TV was like shit from like, the one of, remember is there was a hostage situation and the guy tried to pretend that he was one of the hostages but it was in Brazil and they knew it was him and they all come out and the Brazilian

SWAT team just shoot some point blank range with a shotgun to the chest on the news all these people are running out they just go boosh wow remember the lady running in front of the train yes that I remember that I hated that that was real that was dark they were filming like the last run of a train and then the guy checks and he doesn't go and the lady goes and it's like oh and then all of the shit flies at the camera. I missed all this shit. You're lucky. Yeah.

Because it was always a friend's older brother. And they were like, do you guys want to watch a band from TV? And I'd be like this. In my head? Absolutely not. Yeah, it was always, we're watching porn. We're having a good time. Porn.

We're jerking off together. Some guy goes, faces of death. And I go, I guess I'm going to close my eyes in the back of the room for this one. Well, it looks like I won't be sleeping. Sam saw none of it, but you did dissect a cat. That's true. You're even. A feral cat.

Crazy. Oh, I didn't want to. Did you try to opt out? You could opt out I was always one girl who cried I remember she was like I can't do it It's a living thing She's a vegan now

Or she's not Now she runs like a barbecue She's like I was wrong Fuck all these animals Kill them No there's no friends in this game You ever see a guy die in real life? No

Once I didn't see him die When I saw a dead body Where in a warehouse in New Orleans I'm like me and my buddies Were just walking around You know with a hoop with a stick You know It's a stand by me

It was stand by me And all I saw was the feet and some blood and, like, trash around. How did he die? I don't know. It was just a dead body. They picked him up in Weekend and a Bernie's film. They go, guys, maybe he could buy us beer. You put his arm over.

Yeah. You worked at hospital. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Dude, I was pushing a guy. So I'm with a guy 150 years old. His daughter, who's like 98 years old or whatever, they're getting the elevator. She doesn't fit in the elevator.

And I go, I'll see you guys upstairs. And she's like, okay. I'm looking at him. We're on the elevator. He just goes, and then nothing. And I'm like, that's odd, right? Wait, so when you're on the elevator and he makes that noise, are you go, like, that's not a normal breath?

I went odd. I was like, I wasn't really. And then I push him off, and the daughter's there. And she was like, my father's not breathing. And she starts screaming. Oh, my God. Oh, what? And then the, he said, give me all your money.

But he was full DNR. So it was like, they do not resuscate. So, like, they like, they like, This is a thing where, like, we're just waiting for this to happen. But then she starts screaming. The nurses come, and they're like, they're not really recessinging, but they're like, whatever. And I'm still pushing him. And I grabbed his TV remote.

And I, like, put it next to him. And the nurse was like, yeah, Greg, he's not going to. That's so funny. He's not going to be it. Because when you put them back in the room, they'd have these TV remotes. And you wanted to put it next to the old people so they could reach it. Yeah. And so they're literally like screaming.

And I'm just like, still doing that job. That was your coins on his eyes. Yeah. That was your putting his remote next to him. You go, give him an honorable. I watch his soul come out of his mouth on the elevator with me

and it's like my first day on the job How many people total Do you think you've seen die? No, a lot I mean I've seen dead bodies I've seen them a lot Watching them die I held a bunch of people's hands

As they died Oh That was a thing That would happen a lot Yeah That wasn't in the hospital He was a fucking serial killer Yeah

Usually I would do He just breaks in And he goes I feel like it's time I saw a person die once In the city An old lady I was walking to the bus stop

As a kid And an old lady jumped out of a building and splat What? What? Yeah. That's like too dramatic. How old were you? Sixth grade. 11. Wow. 12, yeah. Yeah, crazy. Did it get it on you? No, it's not messy. I mean, it's not

I mean, it's just like a clunk? Or a splat. Yeah, it's a hard sound obviously. Like dropping like grocery bag? You know when you drop a grocery bag and it goes like, boom. You just think your mind protects you so you think it's, you're like, oh, this isn't real. Yeah. You're like this, I'm on some movie set. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

But not a lot of blood wasn't instantly dead. No splat. She wasn't instantly dead? No, she was like mumbling. Oh, that's the worst. Yeah, it was rough. Fuck, and did you go to, and you just went to school?

No, I was leaving school. Oh, what's the come on, tell you some at the beginning of the day. It's also crazy to do it, like, to jump onto a crowded street. Yeah, she could have killed you. Yeah, and then... That's true. Where did she land, sidewalk or street? Sidewalk or street?

fuck. I mean, either way is bad, right? Sure. But I mean street, I mean,

I don't mean this in like a cruel way, but like streets less invasive. It's fucking, yeah. Like,

sidewalk can literally hit you and get on you. Yeah, it was, it was weird. I remember, uh, you remember like,

she said something like, like mumbled cold and someone went in the store and got a blanket for a fucking horrible. Anyone else hard? Yeah.

Jesus. This is great. Was there a pink mist? I mean, you just go home and your mom's like, how was your day? My parents weren't home. And I remember I called a friend to, like, tell him what happened. And his mom was one of those, like, chatty moms. And she was like, and she told like a 10-minute story.

She's like, by the way, oh, he's not here right now. And I was like, oh, all right. So I just listen to her to tell, like, a 10-minute story. While you're holding out of this? She was one of those, like, lonely moms. She's like, I'm at Dagestinos. And they don't have the chicken. And I'm wondering.

That's really what happened. And young Sam is like, yeah. Wow. You're a good man. Dude, that's traumatic. It was fucking weird. She was old, you say. She was old.

Interesting. Did you find out any info in the paper after? Like, were you curious? Yeah, I didn't really see. I mean, that's how fucked up New York is. I don't remember seeing it on the news or anything. I remember being like, like looking for something on the local news. And it's like, I was like 12 probably.

But you watch the local news. There's so much fucked up shit that happens. Oh, yeah. Also, it's New York. And this was in the late, mid-90s, late 90s. so you're that's not as clean it's not it's like getting disney five but New York's still a tough city

damn yeah that was a fucking that's when we were like you look up more yeah you know you're like so uh when we were doing the bonfire um around Christmas Rockefeller Center gets like crazy

yeah it just gets like uncomfortable to try to get there to like do a show and I would always ride the end train because I was in Queens and I got off the end train and the whole street to Sirius was shut down. And I was like, what the fuck happened? Like 15 minutes before, a woman was walking, like, same sidewalk on 49th to go to

Sirius, and a corner of the building came off and fucking crushed her head, like, down on the sidewalk. She, like, stopped to buy an umbrella, and a piece came down and fucking killed her. Someone I know that happened to their, who the fuck is it? Is it a comic that happened to their, like, relative, and they got them, I wonder if it's the same fucking person, and they got, like, rich or something on that. I don't know. This happened in like 2017 or 18 right there, and it was like, oh shit.

Like we like saw it up, but because of the internet now, we like looked it up and they were like, she worked in our building and she was like literally going to buy an umbrella or something and it like fucking. That's worse. I think they might have been sued because that building was in trouble because they were like, you should have been updating it. Wow. They call it Section 11 drilling when there's like a loose brick or something.

Yeah, yeah. And it's annoying as fuck when they're doing it in your building. But like you got to do it. These are old buildings. You got to make sure the brick. stone the irony of buying an umbrella I know too it's crazy it's like a wily coyote thing she like put the help

side out she like the shadow was grumpy dude if you die in a wily coyote a piano come on you wonder you wonder how long until her family said that like one cousin had that joke and he's waiting and he goes was it an an anvil

you say acme on it you hold him a sign this stinks how traumatic that is for that person watch out and they go mm the guy next

it goes blah loo yeah my wife and I remember we come back from the creek we get off the seven and you had to go to the seven

you had to go to what was it Queensboro Plaza Queensboro Plaza right me and my wife my girl at the time I looked down I'm like

is that blood and there was blood we followed blood from the seven out on the street all the way up the steps to where the end train is and then there's just

a guy laying there and I'm like what the fuck and as we're like I couldn't even before we could do anything these EMTs run grab him

put him on the stretcher find out like the next day he was the Craigslist killer the guy who and the reason he was bleeding is because when he stabbed someone it didn't have like a sheath or whatever cut his hits like a common injury I guess

for people who stabbed people it like sliced up his hand he lost blood passed out and they found him at the fucking N-train or Queensboro Plaza the killer the killer he was the killer

Whoa that's the guy I don't remember his face he's laying down I don't know if you can see why was he laying down did someone kill him so he he lost blood I think he lost blood and passed out or something um and these EMTs came up and holy yeah we followed literally a trail of blood it's like that um remember that patrice joke about uh someone uh jumping in front of a train yes when you live in New York long enough you go like I mean kick the head off the tracks yeah go somewhere I got a dinner to get to

yeah damn now I heard this can you might have to give this a goog there PD but I heard The reason they're scaffolding is because a piece of a building fell off and hit a lady. And so now there's a law that you have to upkeep your building every five years. And that's why they're scaffolding

all over the city. Yeah, that would make sense. Is that true? I mean, we are in a city of giant buildings and like Sam was saying, one fucking loose brick. Yeah.

My dad had like a protege he worked with and she died that way. Really? A loose brick fell on her head. Jesus. People die that way. It's crazy.

It's like Home Alone too. Yeah. You got wet banded it. yes there it is scaffolding officially called sidewalk sheds you're fucking net one day you're walking next day you're yeah that's wild now I bet the ACs kill some people too oh yeah by the way I was always very nervous oh me too I put a few of those in myself I'm like this could be a problem there was a girl I hooked up with one time and she was like hey you're could you help it was like just the beginning of summer she's like could you put my AC in and I was like I'm hammered

yeah I was like you're also on the third floor yeah I was like yeah I was like okay day, but check it tomorrow. Oh, I was putting in, like, fucking cardboard around. I'm like, I don't know what to do this. Oh, yeah, yeah. This thing ain't going nowhere. There's duct tape.

It doesn't look good. My fucking, my sheet was a fucking shower curtain. It's all right. My windows, whatever. Put it off the pressure of the window and you're like, this is going to hold it. I know, I know. Legally, in New York, you're not supposed to.

The landlord is supposed to do it for you. They never do. They never do. But, like, if that's on them. Sue those motherfuckers. There was a guy. I had a fucking soup in my old building fucking hated me. Just like one of those you just,

just decided he hated me. Oh, that's fun. And he hated everyone in the building, but he'd be nice to the women, I'd notice, but every dude, he's a perve. But he, but he would come in, like, the toilet would be fucking clubby. I think the toilet's fucked up, and he'd be like, oh, he'd be like so fucking mad. And they'd be like, I'd like

try to tip him at the end. He'd be like, no. And I'm like, she gets the same mad at me. So don't be, yeah, well, you also go, don't be a dick. Because I'm trying to, I'm trying to pave that street. And I'm also like, the fucking pipes are fucked up. What do you want? We had, Vecione and I's landlord. You know, we lived there for like, I lived in for like 14 years.

I lived with Vecchio for 10 years. He would never fix anything. He would never fix anything. There was a problem in our kitchen where one of our boards was warped. She wouldn't fix it. We had mold in our shower. We just had to put a garbage bag over it.

And we had these two really hot girls that lived on the third floor. It was a three floor building. And like our roommate was banging one of them. Our other roommate. And we was like, just talking to the girls or whatever. We were like, yeah, fucking Anthony, right? She was like, what do you mean?

And she goes, my refrigerator broke and he had a new one with him. like an hour and I was like wow what and I found out that he would do he would like rush to the building yeah so I told her I was like next time you're getting something done text me and then I just waited yeah and he came down the stairs and I was like Anthony there you got some mold in the shower he was like son of a bitch I caught him and he's like all right then let me take a look yeah come on in buddy whenever women are like he's such a sweetheart I'm like to you yeah exactly this is a individual relationship. I'm a swarthy

different-looking dude. Monica Lindsay's like, Bill's nice. What are you going to talk about? Oh my God, the president's so cool. He's so sweet. You get to hang out with him. He gave me a cigar. I will say, though, that is one of the coolest moves of all time is getting a blowjob while you're on the phone with the Senate. Oh.

He's like, yes, aerovette. Yeah, at first I was like, he said it like, we all done it. I was like, oh, no, I haven't done that. I've never done that. I fantasized about that. A cool phone call? Be like, oh, release the funding. And it would be funny if the argument would, well, and she, like, felt them get soft, so she, like, knew, you know what I mean? Right.

He started getting soft when they were talking about Arafat. A cigar in the clam is a wild move. And how do you like to that? It's a power move. Yeah, totally. Not in a good, not in a healthy way. I'll tell you right now, cigars are flaky. Yeah.

A lot of stuff to flake off in the puss. I agree. You've got to get that tobacco out of there. I bet the smell Like old boots It also feels like Wasteful of a cigar Like you know Castro wouldn't do that

That's true That's why he hated us He respected a good cigar You go you know we were making headway With Cuba And then they found out He put it to where You know they gave Castro

This is how funny the CIA used to be They gave Castro at exploding cigar To try to kill him Oh yeah That's a real thing It didn't work Really? Yeah

But it was exploding or it might have been poison Oh I don't know I actually It'd say bang Yeah, right. Poison is better. It makes more sense.

But the exploding's got a nice charm to it. Yeah, that's so fun. Well, you know he wants a cigar. Yeah, I guess it's not that crazy, but that's fun. Yeah. Think about how many. She's sabotaging his cigars, but they're not sure. Maybe I assumed exploding.

Him just, him with like the black face and then the thing like shredded. Right, right. The breaking bed. Yeah. Gustavo. Yeah. She changes his tie. And then Castro just died of natural causes.

Nah. But he's like a cat. You make it to 89. You did pretty well. You did damn good. I feel like they just let you roll. They all like, hey. Yeah, write it out, dog.

This guy, what are we going to change him? Old dogs, new tricks. The milkshake. Damn, they did like. Wow. You know, they stayed trying to kill him. Oh, yeah. What a fun job.

Hey, our job is to kill this guy. This sounds like a set list, too. Right. I go soft, I go shoes in the softball. I want to be in that writer's room. Yeah. You know, right. pitching ideas

and how are we going to get cast out what do people like milkshakes okay put it on the board can we do spring shoes

you see shoot them out of the room Sam you see a cigar with a circle around it and other thought bubbles how do we get it there maybe AC could fall on

him I'll have a drunk guy hook up with a girl yeah what in the window fat a molten metal I mean this is quietly coyote shit

yeah end of October in 71 the new guy just goes I hate to say this but they wouldn't say a gun yet? Yeah. I am right.

Long-rained rifle? Guys, I know I'm not in favor right here. Sniper writer? I don't know. He also survived some crazy battles just overtaking Cuba, man. Yeah. Like what he did to Batista. Yeah, exactly.

There was like some crazy number. There was like, I think 87, and they, and they landed on 12, and they're like, well, this is fucking biblical. That's quick. You know? It was like him, Che and 10 others. I think one of his one or two of his brothers. That's, yeah, because he had a brother. There is.

Yeah. Cigar. That's great. You were right. You were right. Wow. Fun. I'd love it.

And I love they said the most extreme and cartoonish. Yeah. Oh, they poison his diving suit. Here's my question. Do you think exploding cigar was first used to kill Castro or first using a cartoon? Ooh, I would assume cartoon. But the cartoon writers could hear it and go, well, yeah. They're talking to Hannah Barbera for ideas.

They go, what do you got? He goes, Dinosaur Ribbs. It takes the car all the way on its size. He goes, all right, yeah, we can do that. We got blue sky with this. Oh, yeah. Have you tried chasing him off a cliff? He'll stay in the air for a while, but eventually he'll drop.

He'll look down. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Wow. I'm trying to think of more cartoon. Have they ever killed anybody with an exploding cigar? No. Like, it's never worked?

Because if it doesn't work, a Castro, it's like, maybe get some little mob guys with it. Also, maybe try the bit out. Right. Yeah, right. Take out some, like, foot soldiers with an exploding cigar. Right. Damn Now it's like

It all goes back to Kaczynski Trying to flirt Nah You think they had In the writer's room And they're like Oh we'll just shoot them Fucking hack over

You drive the cigar It's called TNT He goes I've never Tried one of these Yeah it's so funny And Mad TV I mean

Mad magazine on the cover Oh there it is That's exactly what you said The black smoke With the pop cigar That's a good time Yeah he was even on that cover That's crazy

Mad was the shit Yeah, dude, I used to love it Me too The parody of shit The folding The folding is great When I finally learned how to do it Yeah

It was more satisfying Than learning how to tie my shoes I used to go to like The little bodega in my neighborhood And I would try to fold it And the guy would go Oh you gotta buy it You can't fold it

You gotta buy it I don't know Yeah If you found a mad already folded You're like fuck this Yeah It was like a highlights Where they're being circled

Oh Like a used condom That really is Dude that's so funny A circled highlights Really was like finding A used condom Yeah that was fucked up

gross who would do this oh yeah do you remember finding your first used condom sure yeah i remember finding one down by like a creek that we used to smoke cigarettes at yeah and the reason i knew it was used because you were like it's like uh i poked it with a stick but it was like even through the stick you saw the way that the the rubber moved where you're like oh there's stuff in there oh yeah i still have the one yeah he pulled it out i found this one russman eve used have that great joke about the condom and the used condom in the street is like who is this guy responsible enough to use a condom. Right.

Do it in the street. Oh, yeah. He goes, homeless people, he goes, we're going to do it doggy style. Straight doggy style. Straight doggy style. Oh, ha ha ha ha. It was funny. Could rock a V-neck like a son of a condo.

Oh, he's a handsome mofo. Whenever a man can rock a v. I'm always like, good for you. A little hairy. This is even too close for me. You could, though, because you got good hair. You got good chest hair. No, when you dressed up like Brett Hart, you had like good chest boy.

that's true you know what I mean you got that fucking I got like a white trash wispy that's not good baldwin's a fucking bear rug look at him yeah holy so you get eight kids with the yoga instructor that's too deep that's crazy it's cleavage that's a you yeah who is that Jude law oh shit you remember when they made fun of when Chris Rock made fun of him and then Sean Penn he's one of our finest American actors he's a comedian you get Jude law Can't get him? Get Jude Law.

I think Jude Law is one of America's finest Yeah, and then they're all like Go back to Katrina with your shotgun. Shut up. Go interview a cartel leader. Yeah, exactly. Man, Baldwin was a hunk.

Oh, dude. I could use some chest hair. I got nothing. I got the nipples. I thought you shaved it for a while. No, no. I'm like an Asian boy. When did you get chest hair?

Were you like a teenager or, you get that you start with the happy trail yeah i got that and then and then i remember dating a girl in college who was like you should shave it's like really gross you should shave your chest and she talked me into it and i did it and i was like i have no respect for myself oh my god you see yourself you know i've seen a dog when they get a haircut too short that's the energy you walk around also against their will yeah same at the cone yeah one time i was high in my apartment and i was like maybe i was living here so i was like maybe like 24 25 and i was like just shaved my chest off. And I did. I just shaved this part

off and I was like, you look ridiculous. And it's all itchy for the longest. That's your punishment for doing it. I hated myself. I was like, ugh. But that's why I see as a fan of pro wrestling. Sometimes, like, there's a picture of Hulk Cogan in the 70s with chest hair. Oh, shit.

Oh, you should have rocked that. But then in the 80s, everyone was just, yeah, there you go. Oh, weird. It's a weird penis I know, right? You can tell that he's so hairy he he like puts it into something. Yeah, it's like the back of a crab. You know, the part you pull up?

Are they going with a razor? Are they 40-year-old virgin getting it west? Good question. Probably, I think, like, a mixed bag. I wouldn't be surprised. I think a lot of these guys, bodybuilders do it with razors. Yeah. Because they have to be, it has to be right then and there.

You know, the Steve Carell. Oh, yeah. That was real. He was like, just do it. That's why there's blood on it. The nipple one. Oh, that one is. His nipples are so small.

Are they? Pull it up. When he does it, you go, look how tiny his nipples are. All right, I have to be on a train in Penn Station at 516. What are my odds? Where are you going? Why would you do this?

Yeah, now? Why do you always do this? Well, I figured I could make it. Look at his nipples. In 19 minutes. So you want to just stop the episode now, you're saying? No, we can keep going, but I can get a city bike. Just throwing it out there.

Wait, where are you going to? Is this maybe a thing that you might want to tell me before we record? I feel bad, you're right. You're really. This is my life story with this one. I do kind of like him improvving and leaving. Guys, here's the deal. I thought we'd be done.

Mark and I had a dinner. He's like, I do have to get out of here. Three seconds. Estes, we're going to walk in and go to Gregstone.com. Yeah. I am on the Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour. September 25th in L.A. is when it kicks off. But it goes through the end of the year.

we're going to be announcing the back half for 2026 soon please come and see the show it's very fun hell yeah anything else you want to plug and go to the website subscribe to my YouTube and go to danceover. When is this hell man? Great podcast. Barcelona, Milan, Dublin, Liverpool, London, Paris No, no, Amsterdam, Berlin

back to Wise Guys for a second time I love it November 14th so much Reno Nevada the 29th Carnegie Hall December 4th I love that Putt up that live

hometown boy Carnegie Hall how fucking pumped are you I'll be pumped when it sells out Yeah I hear that But you're not doing it

with the festival Right You're just doing it I can't do that Don't give it to them Do it on your own I love that I'm a big fan of that

Yeah You're competing with 40 fucking friends Of course I know Of course Doesn't make sense Go see him at Carnegie I'm gonna go to that show

Dude Hey hell yeah It's a beautiful room Yeah All right I'll be in Helsinki Stockholm, Dublin, the Valley Center, which I don't know where that is.

Going back to Magoobie's, got to write a new hour. Kodak and Rochester, Washington, D.C., Niagara Falls, San Diego. Yeah. All right, Markdomakami.combe.com, buy some bodega cat. Check out, Greg. What do you got? On my podcast, welcome to talk to that.

There you go. Check out the podcast. It's hilarious. Looking handsome, dude. Looking good. Hey, with Libi and DeVito. Nothing wrong with that. Funny people.

All right. Thank you, folks. Thanks, boys. I've got a train to catch. You're not making that. Chee-choo! That's crazy. I'm going to text you from the train. dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her, and I get down in the same way.

We might be true.